Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10081136.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Harry_Potter/Severus_Snape
  Character:
      Harry_Potter, Severus_Snape
  Additional Tags:
      Explicit_Language, Slash_sex, Sexual_Content, Angst, Tragedy, First_Time,
      Hurt/Comfort, Romance
  Collections:
      HPFandom
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-05-30 Chapters: 9/9 Words: 71295
****** Controlled Emotions ******
by LeviosaHex [archived by HPFandom_archivist]
Summary
     Reposted now that I have worked out how to format on here properly!
     Dumbledore requests Snape to recommence Harry's Occlumency Lessons.
     Snape decides it is time for a different approach. A look at human
     emotion. Set in Harry's 7th year therefore not canon compliant
     Dumbledore not dead etc HP/SS rated M for a reason HP/SS
Notes
     Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally
     archived at HP_Fandom, which was closed for health and financial
     reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its
     works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I
     e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but
     may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator,
     please contact me using the e-mail address on HP_Fandom_collection
     profile.
***** Anger *****
A/N This story originally was meant to be fairly short and purely be about some
aspects of human emotion. The first 7 chapter are just that, however, it has
changed and grown on me and will probably lead into a sequel that will be based
on this... anyway it is not canon compliant and is set at the beginning of
Harry's 7th year. Professor Dumbledore isn't dead etc etc...
Warnings: Will contain male/male sexual content. Rated M for a reason!
Chapter 1 Anger.
0830hrs Great Hall
Harry was relieved to be back at Hogwarts after the long, boring summer
holidays. Not that his relatives had been particularly awful this summer, but
Hogwarts was his home, and since it would be his last year at the school, he
planned to enjoy every minute of it. He smiled contentedly as he sat down at
the breakfast table in the Great Hall with his friends, Ron and Hermione, and
spread out his new timetable, eager to see when he would be able to fit in time
for extra Quidditch practice. The first thing he noticed, however, made both
his good mood and his contended feeling disappear.
His first class that morning was Potions.
"Fuck," he muttered under his breath as he looked at the parchment in disgust.
"Ughh, double fuck," he said more loudly when he saw that Potions was the first
class of the day, every day.
Ron, who was sitting opposite Harry, looked up from his plate of bacon and eggs
and frowned. "What's up mate?" he asked.
"We've got Potions first thing every day," Harry managed to respond through
clenched teeth. It was all he needed to say to be understood by his friend of 6
years.
"Oh yeah. I know. Its crap, isn't it?" Ron spluttered around a mouthful of
food. "The Git's teaching Defence this year too, and we've got that every day
as well," Ron screwed up his face in resigned disgust but didn't seem over
bothered by the dreadful way they would have to start each day for a whole
year.
"You have to be bloody kidding me!" Harry replied scanning the timetable again.
"Nope 'fraid not. I forgot you weren't at the Welcoming Feast so missed all the
announcements. Snape's teaching both subjects this year. They couldn't find a
replacement for Slughorn."
Harry slumped forward in his seat and banged his head on the table a few times
before resting it there in despair, his good mood now only a fleeting memory.
0920hrs Potions Classroom.
Harry had only been in the Potions classroom for twenty minutes, but his
concentration was already slipping. Snape had sneered at him from the moment
class had begun, and although he was trying to block out the constant barrage
of barbed comments and contemptuous glares, he hadn't been too successful.
Taking a deep breath he tried to focus on grinding the snake fangs he needed
for the potion they were brewing, but Snape's sneering voice broke through to
his consciousness once again.
"Are you completely incompetent Potter? Twenty points from Gryffindor and
detention with me after dinner tonight," Snape barked.
Harry whipped up his head and looked at Snape in disbelief. His hands were
shaking, which made the pestle he was holding, in a white knuckled grip, rattle
slightly against the mortar.
"What? I haven't done any..."
Snape cut him off abruptly by darting across the room, planting his hands on
his desk and towering over him. Harry leaned back slightly in surprise and
dropped the pestle onto his desk, the noise of which seemed to echo through the
silence that had descended on the room. It took all of Harry willpower not to
snap at his classmates to stop gawking - it wasn't as if it was an unusual
occurrence for Snape to be treating him like this after all.
"Why does it not surprise me that you have yet to learn to keep that mouth of
yours shut? In the six years I have had the displeasure of teaching you have I
once listened to your inarticulate excuses? Have you ever managed to persuade
me to change my mind on any given punishment?"
Harry opened his mouth to protest, but nothing came out. The ball of anger in
his gut grew.
Snape snorted at him before stalking back to his desk in a billow of robes.
"Detention tonight and tomorrow night for having the audacity to question me.
And as for not having done anything yet...I clearly stipulated grind not bash
the snake fangs!"
"But it's Quidditch trials' all week Sir!" Harry managed to splutter through
clenched teeth. Anger was bubbling in his veins, causing his face to flush, and
his heart to pump faster.
Snape whipped back around and glowered. "Will you ever learn, you imbecile? Do
you think I give a damn about what mindless activity you have planned for this
week? You have now earned yourself detention every night this week, for sheer
stupidity," Snape said in a menacing tone.
"Bastard!" Harry muttered louder than intended, his anger making him lose a
little of his control.
"Fifty points from Gryffindor for inappropriate language directed at a
Professor." Snape said with a smirk. "Keep it up, Potter, at this rate you will
go down in the annuals of Hogwart's history for losing the highest number of
points for their house in one day!"
Harry lowered his gaze and bit the inside of his mouth to stop him from
screaming at the evil, sadistic git. He wanted to punch the sneering bastard in
the face and break his large, ugly nose.
1400hrs Defence Classroom.
When Harry entered his last class of the day - Defence with Snape - Harry's
foul mood and anger had not eased much since the morning. He wasn't entirely
sure if he was now just angry at Snape, or whether he was more annoyed at the
constant barrage of well meaning comments from Hermione about being more
rational and controlling his emotions. Neither of his friends seemed to be that
bothered about having so many classes with Snape, but he supposed they hadn't
had to endure the taunts and humiliation the Professor bestowed only on him -
nor had they had the dubious pleasure of his company alone over the years.
Hermione seemed to think Harry was overreacting a bit and kept reminding him
Snape was on their side, but Harry couldn't care less whose side he was on. As
far as he was concerned he was an evil git and that was all there was to it.
As soon as Harry entered the Defence classroom however, he noticed that all the
desks had been removed, and there was only a single row of seats neatly
positioned around the wall. There was no other furniture in the now brightly
lit room and it reminded Harry of how the Room of Requirement had set itself up
for the DA sessions. The thought that they were finally going to be taught
practical Defence spells and strategies lightened Harry's mood instantly, but
before he could get too excited about the prospect of some practical sessions,
Snape's voice boomed out reminding him who their teacher was. His momentarily
brighter mood dissappeared.
"Find a seat quietly, and don't bother taking out any of the textbooks on
Defence, " the commanding voice of the Professor instructed. The students
quickly sat down as a quiet murmur of excitement ran around the room. Snape
slowly started looking down the row of seated students as he started speaking
again, "This term, you will be solely concentrating on your duelling skills
since there is no advantage to be gained by knowing the theory behind defensive
strategies and spells if you cannot cast them. However, to master the advanced
techniques required, you will need to..." Snape paused and slowly turned to
look directly at Harry before continuing, "...control your emotions and
discipline your mind. Something, I fear, will be impossible for some of you."
The disaster that had been Harry's Occulmency lessons, which Snape was
obviously referring to, had been one of the worst experiences Harry had ever
had to endure, and he couldn't believe the bastard would goad him with the
memory of them. They had both entered those lessons with an agreement that
anything that happened in them would be confidential. Why Harry had believed
the bastard would keep to his word, he didn't honestly know, but he was shocked
at the obvious betrayal and glared at Snape with anger clear on his face. As
soon as their eyes met, Snape smirked and turned away causing Harry to almost
call him a lying, untrustworthy, snivelling bastard, but he swallowed down the
urge and closed his eyes. If the bastard wanted to break his word, two could
play at that game, but Harry resolved that he would find a more opportune
moment to reveal some of Snape's memories.
"Bloody hell mate, he's really after you this year," Ron muttered in Harry's
ear once Snape had recommenced pacing in front of the class and was out of ear
shot, but Harry was too angry to attempt to respond to his friend. The tension
across his shoulders', that had been there all day, increased, and his head
started to pound.
"Harry, stay calm. You know the reasons why he needs to treat you like this!"
Hermione hissed in his ear as she placed a gentle hand on his arm.
Harry grunted and shook his friend's hand away. Hermione truly wasn't helping
in her constant attempts to calm him.
"Each Gryffindor will be paired with a Slytherin for this class, and you will
remain with the same partner for the entire term," Snape continued. "I suggest
you work together to refine your skills out of class as well as in, since to
fight an enemy you must first understand them."
There were loud groans from both Gryffindors and Slytherins at the prospect of
spending time with someone from their rival house.
"Mr Malfoy, you will be with Miss Granger. Mr Weasley, with Miss Greengrass. Mr
Longbottom, with Miss Parkinson..." Snape had to raise his voice to be heard
over the groans and complaints at his choice in pairs; however, a silence fell
over the class when Snape finally turned to Harry.
"Mr Potter, how unfortunate. There appears to be an odd number in this class.
You... will be paired with... me."
Malfoy and a few other Slytherins sniggered. The Gryffindors gasped. Harry
couldn't believe the sadistic git was goading him like this, and looked up to
see black eyes full of sneering amusement focused on him. Not breaking the eye
contact, Harry tried to show the bullying git he would not be intimidated by
him, but Snape only raised a superior eyebrow before turning his back and
continuing in his normal lecturing tone.
Harry hardly heard a word of what Snape said - he was so angry it made his ears
buzz, but he got the basic message that the object of the lessons for the next
few weeks would be to learn how to anticipate the actions of an attacker. To
achieve this, one member from each pair was to cast as many minor hexes at
their partner, using varying techniques and timing, whilst the other, was only
to try to block. Normally, Harry would have been at least a little nervous at
the mere thought of having to duel Snape - they had drawn wands on each other
on a few previous occasions, although never with an audience, and none of these
occasions had ended favourably for Harry - but his anger and bad mood allowed
no room for any hint of nervousness.
As soon as the class started arranging into their assigned pairs, Harry stalked
up to Snape with his wand drawn, ready to defend himself immediately. He didn't
trust the Death Eater not to start attacking him without the formal pre-duel
agreements customary in formal duels. However, rather than Snape taking the
attacking role as Harry expected, it was with no small amount of surprise that
he instead quietly informed him that he wanted Harry to attack. In fact, the
Professor even gave some helpful instruction on stance and timing prior to the
practice session commencing. Harry didn't know how to react to Snape giving him
helpful advice; it was not something he ever thought would happen, and although
his earlier anger was still there, his mind could not comprehend the unexpected
and unusual change in Snape's attitude toward him. However, as the duel
progressed Harry's anger returned as Snape deflected or countered every spell
or hex Harry cast, with what appeared to be no effort at all, and he found that
he would have preferred the usual tirade of sneering remarks and belittling
comments on his lack of ability than the silent, uninterested, bored attitude.
By the end of the class, Harry was exhausted both mentally and physically, and
stormed out of the classroom as soon as the they were dismissed. If he stayed
one minute more in the presence of his most hated Professor he might just give
in to the urge to throw one last hex at the Git whilst his back was turned, and
the last thing he needed was more detentions or to be expelled for attacking a
teacher.
"Harry, you need to calm down!" Hermione said grabbing his arm once she had
caught up with him in the corridor.
"Calm down? Calm down! Are you serious? Didn't you see what happened in there?
That bastard was goading me and trying to humiliate me!"
"I don't think he was Harry. I actually don't think that was what he was trying
to do at all."
Harry turned to look at the thoughtful expression on his friends face.
"Have you lost your mind Hermione? Of course he was! He hates me and loves
nothing more than making me look stupid and incompetent!"
"For goodness sake Harry, you have to stop this. I am sure Professor Snape
paired with you for a very good reason. You need to know how to fight someone
of his ability and..."
Ron caught up with his friends and spoke over Hermione, cutting her off mid
sentence.
"Bloody hell mate, that git was a complete bastard to you in there! He really
does hate you eh?"
"See!" Harry spat at Hermione, who huffed, flicked her hair back, and stormed
off. Ron looked at Harry in confusion, but Harry just rolled his eyes and
shrugged his shoulders. Harry was too caught up in his anger to see that
Hermione might actually have a point.
1900hr Professor Snape's Office.
Harry's anger had not dissipated by the time he was due in Snape's office for
his detention. In fact, it had got worse. He was seething. He had just spent
the last half-hour with Professor McGonagall, who had informed him that she had
appointed Ginny as the Quidditch Captain for Gryffindor. She explained that it
would be better for the team if the Captain could give of his or her time
unreservedly, and since Harry would not be able to participate this week, she
felt she had no other choice. The Head of Gryffindor seemed as upset about this
as Harry, but Harry knew she was right. If it hadn't been for Snape, he would
still be Gryffindor captain and be looking forward to the rest of his year. As
it was, he wished he was back at the Dursleys' - at least there his humiliation
was in private. It was in this mood that Harry stormed down to the Dungeons and
knocked on Professor Snape's office door.
The sneering voice of the Potions Master instructed him to enter and the sound
of it made his stomach lurch.
Snape ignored Harry when he entered, and continued to ignore him when he walked
further into the room, focusing instead on whatever it was he was reading.
"I'm here, as requested, for my detention, Sir," Harry spat through clenched
teeth.
Snape sighed and put down his quill, "Indeed you are," he replied, looking
Harry up and down as he slowly rose from his seat and walked around to the
front of his desk.
"Tonight you will be resuming your Occlumency lessons. For some reason, the
Headmaster still holds the belief that I am the best person to teach you this
skill," Snape informed him calmly.
Harry's stomach sank. "What? I don't believe you! Dumbledore said the lessons
with you were a farce! There is no way he would ask you to teach me anything if
he had a choice!"
"I am fully aware what our lessons were, Mr Potter, and farce is too mild a
word to describe the complete incompetence you showed for the skill during
them. However, Professor Dumbledore has indeed requested that I try again. He
seems to think you have matured over the last two years and may now be able to
find the discipline required to master the shielding of your mind."
Harry wanted to scream, to hit out and smash something, anything, but
preferably the evil git in front of him.
"Clearly, you are still unable to control your emotions or discipline your
mind; therefore, I plan to take a different approach this year. You will not
question my methods and will do as I say without argument, is that clear?"
Snape spoke slowly in an annoying bored monotone.
Harry was speechless. He couldn't believe Dumbledore had asked Snape to start
these lessons again. He knew it was essential that he learnt to shield his
mind, but the last person he would learn anything from was the man standing in
front of him.
"Is that clear, Mr Potter?" Snape repeated.
Harry nodded whilst trying to calm his pounding heart.
"We will begin immediately," Snape informed him calmly.
Every muscle in Harry's body tensed as he remembered the pain and anger he had
expereinced previously when his mind was invaded by this man, and he tried to
focus his mind whilst waiting for the first Legilimens to hit. But Snape did
not reach for his wand; instead, he leant back against the front of his desk,
folded his arms, and looked intently at Harry before speaking again.
"Close your eyes" Snape eventually whispered quietly.
"Sorry?" Harry asked in confusion.
"I said close your eyes. Are you deaf as well as stupid?" Snape sneered, his
calm demeanour slipping slightly.
"I heard what you said, but why the hell do you want me to close my eyes?"
"Do as I say, Potter, unless you want this week to extend to the entire term."
Harry emitted a low growl, but warily closed his eyes.
"Tell me what you are feeling right now."
Harry opened his eyes again; he wasn't just going to stand there and answer
questions about what he was feeling. He found it difficult to talk about his
emotions at the best of times and to share anything personal with Snape was
just not going to happen.
"For fuck sake Potter, just do as I say. Close your eyes, and try to answer
some simple questions, or we are going to be here all bloody night."
Harry was shocked by Snape's language. He had never heard the man swear before,
and it concerned him that Snape was about to lose his temper, so he closed his
eyes and tried to quell the urge to slap the bullying bastard in the face.
"Tell me how you feel," Snape asked again.
"How the fuck do you think I feel?" Harry said, not giving a toss about his
language.
"Well, it is obvious that you are angry. You have never been exceptionally
skilled at hiding your emotions Potter. Tell me who it is you are angry with."
"Who the hell do you think?" Harry said having to fight to keep his eyes closed
and not just grab the sadistic git and punch him.
"I presume the answer would be me," Snape answered with what sounded like a
hint of smugness in his voice.
Snape's smugness only served to increase Harry's anger. "Too bloody right it's
you!" he spat in response.
"What is this anger making you want to do?"
"I want to slap the smirk off your face. I want to grab you and ..." Harry was
cut off mid rant with another question.
"What sensations do you associate with this anger Mr Potter? Is your stomach
tied in knots? Are your muscles tense and shaking? Is your heart racing? Is
there a heat rising from your gut that is consuming you?" Snape's voice had
dropped to a low resonate whisper.
"I suppose all of these things. That's what most people feel when they are
angry, is it not? Look. What is this about?"
Harry opened his eyes to find Snape standing about two feet in front of him,
staring at him intently.
"Keep your eyes closed, Potter," Snape said quietly not taking his eyes of him.
Harry growled but obliged. He was a bit confused by the look in Snape's eyes
and wanted to close all images of him out.
"So let me recap. Your muscles are tense; you feel hot and flushed; your heart
is pounding, and you want to... grab me, slap me...in other words...touch me?"
Harry opened his mouth to respond, but the words were lost when he felt the
briefest press of warm lips against his. His eyes flew open in shock. Snape was
standing so close he could feel the man's breath on his face, but it was the
look in the black eyes that made Harry's breath to catch and his heart to
stutter. They radiated an intense emotion he couldn't immediately decipher.
Was it anger? No, not anger.
Desire?
Oh God Harry thought, as his mind went blank and his anger vanished.
"Your detention is over," Snape barked before sweeping out the room, leaving
Harry trembling.
A/N please let me know what you think! LHx
***** Fear *****
Warnings: Rated M for a reason. Contains adult male/male sexual content and
will contain more as the story progresses. I you don't like please don't read x
Chapter 2 Fear
Day 1 continued
Harry stood frozen to the spot in Snape's office after the Potions Master had
swept from the room. It had taken a moment or two for his mind to register what
had just happened, for his mind to come back from nothingness, to start feeling
again. What he felt however, he couldn't fathom. Once he regained enough of his
senses to move, he fled back to Gryffindor Tower and as far away from the
dungeons and Snape as he could.
1945hrs Gryffindor Tower
Ignoring his friends, who were sitting in the common room chatting, Harry
headed straight to the boy's dorm to fetch his broom. He could hear Hermione
calling after him with concern clear in her voice, but he couldn't face them
right now, he had to work out what the hell he was feeling, and attempt to find
some rational explanation for what had just happened, but he knew he was not
going to find one easily.
He heard a gentle knock on the dorm door moments after he had slammed it shut.
"Harry it's me, Hermione. Can I come in?" the gentle voice of his friend came
from behind the closed door.
It took all Harry's concentration to form the words of his response; his mind
was still detached from reality."Go away 'mione. Not in the mood. Talk
tomorrow."
The door creaked open, and his friend entered anyway. A gentle hand was placed
on his back as he rummaged under his bed searching for his broom. Harry jumped
at the touch.
"Harry you are shaking! What on earth has happened?" Hermione sounded a little
alarmed.
"Nothing. Just leave it. Snape. Usual bastard," Harry snapped.
"You can't allow him to get to you so badly. You have been angry all day. It's
not good for you."
Harry stood with his broom in his hand and faced his friend. His eyes were
wide, and he was still trembling.
"What on earth happened? You look...scared!"
"NOTHING! Just leave it!" Harry was becoming annoyed but regretted his words as
soon as they were out when he saw the hurt look on his friends face.
"Sorry" he muttered. "Not scared, just angry," his monosyllabic responses
continuing.
"I thought you had a two-hour detention with Professor Snape. Why are you back
so soon?" Hermione spoke quietly trying to take a different approach.
"He let me go early. He must be going soft."
Harry tried to laugh, but it came out a strangled grunting sound as he thought
of soft lips on his.
Hermione gave him a strange questioning look.
Sighing, Harry tried to focus on his friend and give her some sort of
explanation for his current demeanour.
"We had an argument. The detentions were planned. Dumbledore asked him to
restart my Occlumency lessons." Harry hoped this would get Hermione off his
back since he really wanted some time alone to think.
"Oh! Well, I know you hated them in the past, but you do need to learn Harry. I
hope you didn't just storm out when he told you. You will just have made it
more difficult for yourself if you did. He's obviously been goading you to give
you an excuse for being in the dungeons every night. You can't exactly claim
you need remedial Potions or Defence lessons this year, can you? You got two
O's in those subjects!"
"Get real 'mione! He loved every minute of taunting and humiliating me!"
Harry's frustration at having to stand discussing this kicked in and he almost
shouted at his friend.
"I really don't think he did, I told you that earlier, after class, remember?"
"He hates me, of course he enjoyed it! Now please, can we just drop it?"
Hermione huffed and shook her head as she turned to leave.
"Well, if you ever need a friend to talk to..."
"I know Hermione, thanks, but I'm fine," Harry said trying to smile and appear
calm which was proving quite difficult as thoughts of Snape's lips plagued his
mind.
Once Hermione left, Harry ran to the Quidditch pitch where he flew, high and
fast, trying to concentrate on attempting new tricks and pushing every other
thought out his head. He landed just before curfew feeling a little better with
his body buzzing from exertion, but the high didn't last long. Memories of the
day crowded back in as he walked back to the castle, suffocating him. Flying
had only managed to delay dealing with his thoughts and feelings Harry realised
with dismay. He couldn't breathe, and his chest tightened as a panic attack
threatened. He broke into a run and headed to the only place he had found
clarity and peace in the past.
Day 1 2300hrs Astronomy Tower
Harry stood looking over the lake from the top of the Astronomy tower trying to
take deep, cleansing breaths of the night air into his restricted lungs. It was
a beautiful night and a warm, light breeze silently breathed between the stone
pillars, it reached into every alcove and caressed him as it went. Watching the
ripples that played over the dark water of the lake Harry could feel the
calming effects of the silence take effect and he started to sort through his
jumbled thoughts and emotions.
He had been angry with the Greasy Git, hadn't he? So why was he now not so
sure? His whole body had started trembling the moment Snape had kissed him. He
had kissed him, hadn't he? Maybe he had just imagined it. The look he had seen
in his Professor's eyes had his mind reeling, surely he had just misread the
usual angry loathing as something else entirely, something that was more
fitting of the kiss he thought he had felt.
Harry couldn't quite hold on to any one of his conflicting emotions. Anger?
Maybe. He still wanted to shake the man, still wanted to wipe the smirk of his
face, still wanted to scream, still felt tense and his stomach was still in
knots but was it anger? He no longer knew for sure. It had changed somehow.
Had he actually liked the feeling of having the man's lips against his? He ran
his tongue unconsciously over his own at the memory of the soft, warm touch and
shivered. His stomach flipped over, his hands were sweaty, his mouth was dry,
and his heart missed a beat.
Closing his eyes he tried to focus on anything but that touch, anything but the
heat that had, in that instant, radiated from his lips and consumed him, taking
his mind and shattering his thoughts.
He was scared he suddenly realised. Hermione was right. He was scared of his
thoughts, scared that he might have actually liked being kissed by that
bastard, scared of seeing the man again, scared it would happen again, scared
at having the familiar feeling of anger robbed from him in an instant, scared
he no longer knew who he was.
Harry wanted to get far away from the castle, he wanted to hide; hide from
himself and his messed-up mind and the sadistic git who was playing with it. He
turned away from the scenic view in front of him, but his head spun and the
panic attack hit him full force.
Day 2
0100hrs Astronomy Tower
Harry woke from a disturbing dream, he must have dosed off whilst recovering
from the worst panic attack he had ever had. His bum was numb and his back
ached from sitting propped up against a stone wall. He tried to capture the
fleeting images of his dream and fear ran down his spine. Snape threatening
him, placing him under imperius, controlling his mind, his emotions. "It was
just a dream," he muttered to no-one. "Snape is an evil, sadistic bastard, he
scares the shit out of me, but I am still angry with him," he said matter-of-
factly, as if trying to convince himself. "How dare he fuck about with my
head!" Harry grabbed his invisibility cloak, and headed back to Gryffindor
tower feeling a little better as the familiar sensations of anger returned even
if he was now more scared of the man than he had ever been in the past.
0900hrs Potions Classroom
Standing with his friends outside the Potions classroom waiting to be allowed
in, Harry's anxiousness at seeing Snape this morning increased from the low
simmering level it had been all night, to something almost unbearable. Everyone
was a bit scared of him; even the Slytherins Harry thought as he looked around
his year mates. No-one dared enter his classroom without being told to do so
first, too scared of the retribution they knew would come if they did. This
knowledge made him feel a little better. A little less abnormal. The feeling
didn't last long however, when he realised that none of those around him would
be afraid of the man kissing them or would have spent the night consumed by
thoughts of him doing just that.
"Oh god," he groaned as his anxiety spiked. He shifted uncomfortably on his
feet and rubbed his sweaty hands together as his heart picked up pace, and his
stomach flip-flopped. He didn't know how he was going to cope with the next
hour.
The door opened with a bang as the commanding voice bellowed out over the
waiting students. Snape looked and sounded as though he was in a foul mood.
"Find your seats quietly and open your books to page 394."
Ron leant over to Harry and whispered in his ear as they sat down. "Bloody hell
mate! He looks as though he is ready to cast an Unforgivable at any moment!"
"Shh Ron, I could do without any more detentions!" Harry hissed back quietly
staring at his feet, staring anywhere other than the black-robed figure at the
front of the room.
"Potter," Snape growled in a slow dangerous tone. "I said quietly. That means
not talking. I would have thought you would have learnt to keep that...mouth of
yours shut yesterday." Deep onyx eyes met with wide green ones.
Oh shit! What the fuck is he playing at? Did he just say what I think he said
in the way I think he said it? Is that anger in his eyes or something else? Is
he looking at my lips? Harry's mind went into overdrive as black eyes bored
through him.
"Maybe you could get him to chew on some flobberworms for that potion you were
talking about last year Sir," Malfoy sneered to an eruption of laughter from
the Slytherins. "That would shut him up!"
Snape smirked at the comment but did not break the gaze. "I could indeed Mr
Malfoy. In fact, I am sure I could think of a number of...activities that would
render him unable to speak, at least for a little while."
Harry thought he was about to pass out. His head was buzzing, and his breathing
was rapid and shallow. His tongue darted out wetting dry lips unconsciously,
immediately wishing he hadn't when Snape's eyes widened ever so slightly at the
gesture, and an eyebrow quirked up before he spun around and broke the gaze.
"Well, why haven't you all opened your books at page 394?" Snape barked.
Everyone reached for their books, but Harry was too stunned to move and sat
chanting; oh my god, oh my fucking god, over and over in his head until Ron
poked him in the ribs making him yelp in fright.
Snape seemed to still momentarily at the sound before turning around slowly to
glare at him with an evil sneer. Harry dropped his eyes and fumbled with his
book trying to find the page with shaking hands. The git had kissed him Harry
thought. Any doubts he'd had about that fact vanished, and now Snape even
appeared to be threatening him with doing so again!
"In today's lesson we are going back to the basics, since some of you have yet
to master the fine art that is ingredient preparation. You will practice
chopping, crushing, grinding and dicing. You will choose one ingredient, per
preparation method, from the lists in your books, together with the most
appropriate implement for each task. Return to your seats once you have
everything you need," Snape instructed as he idly indicated to the vast
storerooms with a wave of his hand.
The class lined up at the storage cupboards, books in hand, chose various
ingredients and implements, and returned to their seats. Once they were all
seated again, Snape rose from his desk.
"You will begin with chopping. It is the easiest preparation method and
generally indicates that the ingredient provides an additional, not essential,
property to the overall potion. Can anyone give me an example?"
Hermione's hand shot up.
"Miss Granger," Snape sighed after looking around the room, seeing no other
hands raised.
"Phragmites may be added to any potion that has a main ingredient that is
likely to cause nausea, since it calms the stomach, thereby reducing the
likelihood of the person suffering from this side effect."
"Phragmites may indeed be added to almost any potion without changing the
desired effect of the main ingredients, and it would be chopped for this
purpose,"
Snape began weaving his way in and out of the desks, looking over people's
shoulders as they worked.
Harry couldn't concentrate, but his mind froze completely when he felt the
intimidating figure approach him from behind. Something cold and metal touched
the back of his neck. It lightly ran from one side across to the other causing
Harry to stop chopping as a shiver ran down his spine. The shiver was quickly
replaced by a warm radiating heat as Snape pressed his body gently against his
back.
"Mr Potter, I believe this would be a more appropriate choice of implement to
chop parsley." A hand appeared over his shoulder that held out a sharp two
handled mezzaluna. Harry realised it must have been one of the cold metal
handles of this knife that he had felt run over his neck.
Reaching a shaky hand toward the proffered knife, he grasped it by the other
handle, but Snape did not let go. Instead, he leant down and whispered in his
ear, so quietly that Harry had to strain to hear what he said.
"Are you sure you can co-ordinate your trembling hands to use a knife that has
two very sharp blades? I wouldn't want you to lose any fingers now, would I?"
Before Harry could formulate an answer, Snape continued in a louder voice and
let go of the knife.
"Interesting choice of herb, Potter, can you tell me what it is most commonly
used for?"
After a brief pause, Harry muttered the only thing that came to his mind.
"Erm... well ...as a garnish, in cooking?" He knew the answer was stupid as
soon as he had said it, but it was out of his mouth before he could think of
anything better.
"You're in a Potions class, you idiot, not cookery. We are talking about the
magical properties of ingredients, not their flavour, colour or texture!"
The Slytherins sniggered again the noise echoing through the room.
"Emmm yeah ...sorry... but you did ask for its common use Sir."
Snape growled as Harry prepared for another sarcastic retort.
Hermione's hand shot up again.
Snape ignored her as he walked slowly around to the front of Harry's desk,
speaking as if only to him.
"Parsley is associated with both love and death. If you add it to a love
potion, for example, it will cause the love interest to forget you, to hate
you, in other words, have the opposite effect. However, if added to certain
poisonous brews or taken immediately after ingesting one, it will give the
drinker protection from death," Snape paused and lowered his voice so only
Harry could hear.
"Odd that you should choose something with such duplicity at the core of its
nature, something involving love and hate, death and protection from it."
Harry fought to try to find the meaning of the man's words, to form some sort
of answering retort, but couldn't and an uneasy feeling in his gut grew. The
reference to love and protection unsettled him deeply, as did the talk of hate
and death. All of these things had ruled his life since he was a baby,
continued to rule him, causing him much distress and turmoil, making it more
difficult to control or understand his emotions fully.
Despite his turbulent emotions, the class continued fairly well with only the
odd menacing glare coming his way, when his hands, trembling as they were, let
something else drop to the floor. By the time they got to the last ingredient,
the one that required to be ground, Harry had started to control his anxiety a
little, which allowed the more familiar sensation of anger to filter through.
In a strange way, he now found it to be comforting. Placing his snake fangs in
the mortar, Harry concentrated on grinding, and not just bashing them as he had
done the previous day, but wasn't managing particularly well in getting them to
break up. Finally he resorted to bashing them, just the once, but as soon as he
had made this slip, Snape approached, again from behind, leaned over him, and
covered his hand with his own larger one, stilling his movement.
"Mr Potter. Once again, you seem incapable of distinguishing from merely
battering something, to grinding it with care and precision."
Harry held his breath and closed his eyes momentarily before Snape spoke again.
"Let me show you," was softly purred in his ear. Harry could feel the man's
breath against his hair, moving it slightly. His stomach jumped at the
sensation, and the sound of the man's voice made his cock twitch ever so
slightly as he was pressed against his desk by the weight of the body behind
him.
Oh Merlin, what the fuck is happening to me Harry thought as he closed his eyes
again for a second, trying to calm down.
Snape increased the pressure of his grip, pressing down hard, trapping Harry's
fingers painfully, crushing them, until Harry thought they might disintegrate
as the Snake fang had just done.
Snape spoke again in a normal lecturing tone.
"You trap the ingredient under a steady even pressure before commencing a
rocking motion, you must not allow the pestle to rise away from its target for
the briefest of moments."
He continued grinding the snake fangs until they were dust and Harry tried to
focus only on the hand that was on his, but the steady motion was being
transferred up through Snape's arm and caused his body to rock against his
back. Harry cast a quick glance around his classmates, who thankfully, all
appeared to be concentrating on their work to notice anything untoward. Harry
felt engulfed by the man and started to fight against the pressure on his hand
in panic.
The git only increased the pressure and once again hissed in his ear.
"I could grind you Potter. Is that what you want?"
Harry let out a quiet gasp at the threat, but soon as the whispered words were
out Snape's mouth the warm pressure vanished as the professor stepped back and
let go of his hand. Harry's heart was pounding from the threat, but his cock
was still semi-hard from the physical contact, making his mind close down as it
struggled to deal with the conflicting emotions of fear and desire rippling
through him.
"Stop what you are doing, clean up your desks and put any equipment away before
leaving quietly." Snape instructed the class calmly, as he strode back to his
desk.
Harry quickly collected his books and fled the classroom.
1540 hrs Defence Classroom
Harry had had a free period after Potions, and once again he had taken to the
skies. He had skipped lunch in preference to spending the time flying and
pushing his physical limits in heart-stopping manoeuvres. He didn't care if he
got hurt, didn't care much for anything but forgetting about Snape, and flying
to the extremes of his ability accomplished this, at least whilst he was in the
air.
He had managed to get through two hours of Transfiguration without too much
going wrong, although, he hadn't heard anything Professor McGonagall had said,
since his mind was too focused on the feeling of Snape's body moving against
his and trying to work out a way to get out of going to Snape's Defence class.
However, since he had been unable to come up with an adequate excuse for
skipping class he had reluctantly gone but felt as though his mind was absent
when he entered the classroom.
The Defence class took the same form as the previous day, only this time it was
Harry's turn to be on the defensive. He felt weak, vulnerable and completely
drained emotionally, and had not been looking forward to the inevitable round
of hexes he believed he was undoubtedly going to have to endure. However, after
the first 40 minutes, much to his surprise, the class seemed to be going not
too badly. He had managed to block all spells thrown at him fairly easily, but
Snape didn't seem to be putting much power or effort behind his casting and
Harry thought it odd considering this would be an ideal time for Snape to
really humiliate him. He was convinced the more experienced wizard would
suddenly cast a right blinder at him so had been in a hyper-anxious state for
the whole class. However, his anxiety didn't help him when it came. What
surprised Harry the most, was that Snape hadn't even raised his wand when he
was hit square in the chest by what appeared to be some sort of binding and
stunning hex that threw him to the floor with his arms bound above his head,
and his legs spread wide. Snape looked momentarily shocked that the hex had hit
him; as though he hadn't meant to cast it, and lifted it almost immediately,
but Harry lay motionless in the same position trying to catch his breath even
though he was no longer bound.
"Get up Potter, or would you like me to replace the hex?" Snape asked quietly
with what Harry thought sounded like a hint of amusement in his voice. "I could
do so tonight, if that is what you want."
Eventually pulling in a harsh breath Harry managed to scramble to his feet, not
daring to look at the bastard who had just threatened him again. He thought he
recognised an amused suggestive tone in Snape's voice, a tone he had never
heard coming from the man before, and it sent a shiver of fear down his spine.
The git would love to tie me up and torture me. He really is an evil sadistic
bastard.
Snape shouted over the noise of the class but did not look away from Harry.
"Wands away. Class dismissed. Remember to spend at least two hours a week
meeting with you partner in an attempt to get to know each other. If you do
not, I will know, and you will fail this class."
The initial sighs of relief at the end of the draining class were replaced with
muttered groans as everyone filed out into the corridor in their pairs,
grudgingly arranging meeting times.
Harry wanted to run from the classroom but found he couldn't. His lungs were
struggling to catch-up with the oxygen deprivation caused by being stunned and
bound but also because his anxiety was burning more oxygen than normal.
"Mr Potter, why are you still here? I thought you would have been the first out
the door. You already have the pleasure of my company for more than the
required two hours for this class," Snape looked at him questioningly, all
suggestive amusement and threat gone.
"I think I am going to..." Harry stuttered before blacking out.
Coming around moments later, Harry opened his eyes to see a concerned face
hovering above his and almost let out a scream. The concerned expression
disappeared instantly however, and was replaced by one of sneering
indifference.
"You should go into acting Potter. You have always had a flair for dramatics
and attention seeking," Snape taunted.
"I didn't intentionally black out Professor! I missed lunch and I am very
tired," Harry said trying to give an explanation for his fainting fit other
than the truth about his anxiety.
"Whatever the cause, it does not give you a valid excuse to skip detention
tonight. I expect you there at 7pm prompt, understood?"
Harry nodded and darted from the room.
Snape's Office 1850hrs
Harry hadn't managed to eat much dinner; his friends had questioned and
badgered him on what had happened in Potions that morning, and where he had
been hiding all day. Ron had been more upset that he had gone flying without
him than anything to do with Snape, but Hermione had asked him some difficult
questions. He thought he had managed fairly well to hide his spiralling anxiety
and answer them without giving anything away about why he was so distracted,
but by the time dinner had finished he was glad to escape from his friends,
even though it did mean it was time for his next detention.
Harry took a deep breath and tried to calm his frayed nerves as he knocked on
Snape's door.
"Who is it?" The gruff angry voice of the Potions Master was heard immediately
in response.
"Ehh it's Harry... Emmm, I mean Potter...Harry Potter." God I can't even get my
name out properly, no wonder Snape calls me a bumbling idiot he thought.
"Come in and close the door quickly behind you," the annoyed Professor
commanded.
Harry froze on entering. Snape was dressed in full death eater robes.
"You are early. I was just about to change," Snape scowled and gave him a
warning look.
"Oh right emm, I can go and come back again later, if you want."
"No need. Since you are here, we may as well begin. But should anyone come to
the door you will remain quiet until they leave, is that understood? I can't go
scaring little children now can I?"
"Emm right yeah I suppose not."
"Close your eyes."
"Oh eh I am not sure about... well I am...well..."
"Spit it out Potter."
Harry sighed, resigning himself to just closing his eyes. He didn't want to
explain that he was scared, scared of him, scared of what might happen whilst
he had his eyes closed, scared of how the Professor made him feel.
"Nothing," Harry said closing his eyes "Just not sure what this has got to do
with Occlumency."
"All will become clear to you soon if you are not the complete dunderhead I
have always expected. If you are, you will never be able to occlude, so the
discussion will be mute. Now keep your eyes closed."
Harry could feel the man circle him, as though he was carrion, and the air
moved as he wafted around him in his flowing Death Eater robes.
"Tell me how you are feeling tonight, Potter."
"Well emm, I'm still angry I suppose."
"Really? Is this...anger still making you feel the same way, urging you to do
the same things?"
"Eh yeah, I suppose, but I also feel a bit...erm anxious I think," Harry
stammered trying to get away from talking about anger and what it made him want
to do. He wished he hadn't mentioned it now.
"Anxious? Tell me, how does this anxiety makes you feel, what physical
sensations are you experiencing?"
"I'm not sure how to describe them exactly."
"You must learn to identify the sensations associated with certain emotions if
you ever have any hope of controlling them. Is your stomach still tied in knots
as it was when you were angry?"
"No, it's more like something is running around inside it now."
"Carry on," Snape encouraged.
"I am a bit lightheaded; my heart is skipping beats and going too fast, and my
mouth is dry."
"Mmmm those indeed are some of the classic symptoms of anxiety and fear, as
well as other emotions."
"What is the cause for such fear Mr Potter?"
"I never said I was frightened, I said I was anxious, nervous I suppose."
"Nervousness, anxiety and fear are similar emotions. One usually stems from the
other. However, I will rephrase the question, what is it that is causing your
anxiety?"
"Well mmm being here...with you... I think."
"You are scared of me Mr Potter? The-Chosen-One, The-Boy-Who-Lived, the boy who
is going to save the world from the most powerful dark wizard of all time, the
golden boy of Gryffindor, the epitome of all things brave, is scared of me?"
Snape sneered as he continued his slow circling.
"I am none of these things, and you know it, and yes, I think I am scared of
you, a little." Harry opened his eyes as anger at the man's words mixed with
fear of what would happen next.
"Keep your eyes closed Potter."
Harry closed them again.
"Why are you afraid of me?"
"Maybe because you are dressed in full Death Eater robes, maybe because I don't
understand you or your motivations, maybe because I think you are capable of
carrying out all the things you have threatened me with today and enjoy it. I
have seen you cast the Cruciatus before, and you have to enjoy causing people
pain to do it as effectively as you do," Harry spat.
"I am not going to discuss my use of the Cruciatus with you, or my motivations;
however, I can assure you, what you think you may have seen, might not be
strictly accurate. If I am not greatly mistaken, this is the reason for
teaching you to Occlude is it not? As for threatening you today... I do not
believe I did so once."
"You said you would make me chew flobberworms! You ran a knife across the back
of my neck. You said you would grind me to nothing. You stunned and bound me
and said you would do so again tonight."
"These were not threats. I did not say I would make you chew flobberworms, that
was Malfoy's suggestion. I merely commented that I am sure I could come up with
something equally entertaining to keep your mouth busy, did I not?
"Ehmm...Yeah something like that, but it was still a threat of a punishment
nonetheless."
"That was not a threat Mr Potter that was a... joke. Although I am not
surprised the subtle art of humour on this matter escaped you, but it was
indeed a joke."
Harry realised that once again the man was playing with him, that he was freely
admitting to having made a joke in class about kissing him. The sense that
something was really wrong here grew, and panic started beating strong in his
chest.
"As for the knife, it was just the handle, not the blade. Did it not feel
pleasant against your hot, sweaty skin? Did it not send tingles down your
spine?" Snape's voice had lowered to a resonate purr. "I agree the suggestion
of grinding against you or binding you may have been a little too much for you
to understand as humour, but they certainly were not meant as threats."
Harry's mind cleared and he thought he understood everything in that instant.
Snape was flirting with him. It wasn't pain he wanted to inflict. It was
pleasure. Remembering the suggestive tone of Snape's voice from earlier, Harry
shivered. As soon as the involuntary movement past, he became aware the man had
stopped his endless circling, and tensed as he felt Snape's breath on the back
of his neck. It sent a tingle down his spine but as the man's tongue flicked
out and gently licked a line across it, from ear to ear, it was not just a
tingle but a bolt of electricity that shot straight to his groin, making his
cock harden instantly.
Harry groaned, his mind went blank and his fear disappeared.
His breathing remained heavy as it had done for most of the day, his stomach
flipped over, his heart skipped beats, and his mouth was dry.
"I see that you like that, Mr Potter."
Harry opened his eyes to see Snape standing in front of him looking down at the
obvious swollen bulge in his trousers. He was smirking at him, and there was
excitement clear in his eyes.
"Whh...what the fuck is going on here Pp...professor?"
"Why don't you tell me what is going on? What are these sensations making you
want to do... Harry?" Snape asked seductively.
Hearing his name being uttered by this man made Harry's eyes widen in surprise.
Snape took a step toward him slowly; they were now only inches apart. Harry's
heart was hammering against his chest, his cock was pulsating, his lips ached
to feel the warm, moist touch of the other man's on his. Not breaking eye
contact, Harry closed the distance between them and pressed his lips against
Snape's gently as if testing what the man's reaction would be, but as lust and
excitement flooded the dark, deep eyes, Harry gasped and opened his mouth
slightly. Snape took advantage of the slight parting of Harry's lips and pushed
his tongue into his hot, willing mouth and deepened the kiss. Harry felt his
knees go weak, but he was held up by a pair of strong arms that had circled
around his waist, pulling his whole body closer in a tight embrace, his
throbbing member pressed firmly against Snape's equally hard length. Harry's
hips thrust involuntarily.
Snape broke the kiss suddenly at the erratic movement, looked down into Harry's
flushed face and surveyed the bright emerald eyes of the panting young man in
his arms.
"I believe you have may have been confusing desire and excitement as anger and
fear Mr Potter. Detention is over." Snape released him and strode from the
room.
A/N Well that turned out longer than expected! Hope you enjoy reading it.
Thanks to Alex, danniperson, ieatmyfeelings, GalynSolo and Lightnshadows for
your reviews they mean a lot to me. So please read and review this chapter, let
me know what you guys think! LHx
Oh and if you are interested there is scientific proof about how we interpret
physical sensations. How the same set of sensations can cause two different
emotions, our responses to certain stimuli are generally programmed through
experiences in childhood but can evolve later. For example one person might die
of fear at the mere thought of jumping of a high bridge with a piece of elastic
around one ankle where another would find the prospect exciting. The sensations
each person feels are the same, just interpreted differently.
* Mezzaluna– a single or double bladed curved knife that has a handle at both
ends of the blade.
* Parsley magical properties, according to certain Wicca beliefs, are indeed of
love and protection.
***** Confusion *****
Warnings: Rated M for a reason. Contains adult male/male sexual content and
will contain more explicit scenes as the story progresses. If you don't like
please don't read x
Chapter 3 Confusion
Day 2 Continued
2045hrs Snape's Office
Harry stood once again in the middle of Snape's office having just been left
alone for the second night running with his mind shattered. Tonight, however,
he could barely walk, never mind run as he had the previous evening, and only
managed to stumble forward toward the high-backed chair behind his Professor's
desk before falling into it heavily as his knees gave way. Harry had never been
so painfully aroused; his cock ached for release, strained to be set free from
its tight confines. Without thinking where he was, without much thought about
anything, Harry quickly undid the button and zip on his jeans and reached in
with one trembling hand to grip his weeping length, releasing it in one quick
movement. Stretching his legs out under the desk, he leant back, closed his
eyes and started to move his hand up and down his throbbing cock, thrusting his
hips into his own hand as he did so. Discordant images flashed through his
mind. Sensuous lips a hairsbreadth from his own, deep black glittering eyes
full of desire and excitement, floating black Death Eater robes, a tongue
running across the back of his neck, a searing kiss extracting his very soul.
Harry groaned as every muscle in his body tightened, his back arching into his
own touch as he suddenly came, spurting thick threads of cum onto his T-shirt,
some splashing the underside of his Snape's desk. As the last wave of release
eased, Harry flopped backward into the chair panting hard. His mind was more
than shattered now - it was like dust blowing in the wind. He sat slumped like
this for a few moments with no thoughts or emotions, just a warm buzzing
sensation that was the memory of his orgasm rippling through his body.
A noise reached through to his distant consciousness; his eyes snapped open and
his surroundings slowly came into focus.
"Shit," he voiced aloud as he realised where he was, and what he had just done.
Frantically scanning the room for the source of the sound, he breathed a sigh
of relief when he saw there was no-one else in the room. Both doors remained
closed. One led into the corridor, the other, Harry presumed, to Snape's
private quarters.
"Shit," he muttered again, wondering if the door Snape had exited through was
indeed to his private rooms, wondering if the man had heard him groan as he had
come.
He couldn't see anything in the room that could have caused the noise and
started to think he had maybe imagined it, until he heard it again. It was
coming from behind the closed door he had never been through. His mind went
blank once again; he couldn't process the possible meaning of the noise at the
moment. Quickly zipping up his trousers and casting a quick cleaning spell on
himself, removing the visible evidence of his heart-stopping orgasm, he stood
on shaky legs and stumbled across the room as fast as he could, and fled.
Day 3
0110hrs – Gryffindor Tower
Harry entered Gryffindor common room a few hours later and was thankful that it
was empty. Everyone was in bed. His body was exhausted, and he wasn't sure
where he had been for the last four hours, he knew he had walked, but it felt
as though it had been only a matter of minutes since he had staggered out the
office in the dungeons. His brain had yet to catch up with the events of the
night.
Not wanting to climb the stairs to the dormitory, he curled up on the comfy
sofa in front of the fire, and stared into the low burning embers of the fire
as he finally started to replay the events of his detention.
He had initiated the mind-blowing kiss, he had rubbed himself against Snape's
body, he had brought himself to completion whilst sitting behind Snape's desk,
in Snape's chair, and he had thought of Snape whilst doing so! Closing his
eyes, he curled up on himself even more, putting his head on his knees. How
could he have felt such an all-encompassing desire and sexual excitement for a
man who had angered and frightened him for the last two days? For the last six
years, he corrected himself. Had he been angry? Had he been frightened? He knew
he had, but couldn't work out exactly why now, not entirely. His rational brain
told him Snape was still the same greasy sadistic bastard he had always been,
that enjoyed nothing more than humiliating him. Maybe that was what this was
all about; maybe it was just another way to get at him, to degrade him in some
sort of sick private joke. Harry didn't believe that to be the case however, it
didn't fit with the man's previous record of only humiliating him in public.
Yes, he had treated him badly during their Occlumency lessons; he had pushed
him hard and grown angry at his lack of ability, but now he thought he could
maybe begin to understand why. Snape was worried Harry would give away his
status as a spy; he had been desperate in his desire to make him master the
skill, to save himself from certain death should Voldemort find out through any
of Harry's memories.
Anger can be the outward expression of desire Harry thought, as understanding
started to filter through his foggy mind.
Harry realised he didn't understand human emotion at all, didn't understand
what drove people in their daily interactions with others or what caused their
overall demeanour and behaviour. He no longer knew himself. He no longer
understood what he thought and felt - let alone those around him - let alone
the complex character who was Snape.
The very foundation of what Harry thought he understood about himself, what
made him who he was, was now in question. His fears - were things that caused
excitement; his anger - deep desires.
It made sense in a way; it explained his reactions to certain situations that
most people would run a mile from, why instead he ran headlong into them, why
he felt bored when he didn't have anything dangerous to challenge him. He
missed the rush of elation when his heart was pounding and adrenaline was
flowing in his veins, but did that make him any less afraid of life-threatening
situations? Was the emotion of fear, for him at least, not real?
The anger he regularly felt over the death of his parents, for his childhood,
toward his relatives, toward Snape and toward Voldemort himself, could all be
interpreted differently. Were they just deep desires for his parents to still
be alive, for his relatives to love him, to have had a different life, to
destroy the evil that was Voldemort, for Snape to accept him- to understand
him, to not see him as the epitome of his cruel, bullying father? Was his anger
not real?
Had anything he had ever felt been real?
The lustful desire and excitement he had just experienced at being intimate
with Snape confused him even more. He liked girls. Didn't he? He thought he at
least knew that about himself. He was 17, surely he would have known if he
didn't. Thoughts of Cho and Ginny and any intimate moments they had shared
wavered through his mind as weak fleeting images. None of them had been
anywhere near, the all-encompassing, hot, passionate encounter he had just
experienced. They paled into nothing and left him cold. They had left him cold
at the time he realised. He didn't feel any attraction to the girls around him,
not in the way the other boys in his year did if the regular lewd discussions
were anything to go by and he certainly didn't feel the need to give himself
pleasure as regularly as Ron did with his barely muffled groans and gasped
shouts of 'Moine' in the middle of the night.
Harry hugged his knees in tighter and closed his eyes tighter in an effort to
stop his mind from coming up with the obvious conclusion, he was just not
willing to contemplate what all these realisations might mean.
0910hrs – Potions Classroom
Harry arrived late for potions having managed to crawl up the stairs that led
to his bed at 5am that morning, he had slept through breakfast, and only woke
minutes before class had been due to start with Ron shaking him. He had hastily
dressed, but he knew he looked a complete mess. His hair was everywhere, and
now, as he stood in the doorway of the potions classroom looking down at
himself, he realised his shirt was done up all wrong, and his tie was squint.
"Mr Potter, is spending one week of detention in my presence not enough for you
that you deliberately turn up in my classroom, not only late, but looking as if
you have spent the night...in a...brothel?" Snape spat, looking disgustedly at
him.
"Errm ah... I'm sorry emm I didn't sleep well, Professor," Harry mumbled as he
tried to pull his robes further around himself to hide his crumpled,
dishevelled appearance.
"It's the only place the little runt would find anyone crazy enough to want to
shag him," Malfoy laughed.
Snape ignored the comment and the giggles from the Slytherins, instead, took a
deep breath and continued in an almost bored voice.
"Twenty points from Gryffindor for your overall tardiness, I do not want to see
you present yourself in my class looking like...that, ever again!" Snape gave
him a stern warning glance.
The rest of the class, surprisingly, went without any more lost points or
snarky comments. In fact, Snape totally ignored him, even when he made several,
obvious mistakes. Harry watched the Professor, as he walked around the class or
sat at his desk marking papers, trying to work out why he missed the insults
and barbs. It was better than being totally ignored by the man he decided. By
the time the class finished, he craved for just one look or comment that would
at least acknowledge his presence.
Harry collected his things when the class was dismissed and started to head
toward the door.
"Not so fast Potter," Snape called out from his seated position, not raising
his eyes from the papers he was marking.
"You're in for it now mate," Ron said grimacing.
Hermione pulled Ron out the door and gave Harry an apologetic worried look.
"See you at lunch?" she whispered.
Harry nodded, but continued to stare, almost open jawed, at the way Snape
teased the feather of his quill over his lips, and had to suppress a shiver.
As soon as the last student left the classroom, Snape flicked his wand at the
door, slamming it shut. The noise made Harry flinch. Only once wards were
erected, against unexpected visitors or prying ears, did Snape look up at Harry
and put down his quill.
"Close your eyes," Snape said quietly.
"Www...What? Here? Now?"
"Yes here and now, would I ask you to do so otherwise? Just do it!"
Harry closed his eyes. He had hoped he would have more time to consider what it
was he felt before having to do this again, and being made to do so now, made
him...nervous?...excited? Harry wasn't sure which any longer, and his mind
struggled to clear the confusion.
"What are you feeling this morning Mr Potter?"
"Errmm I'm not very sure." Harry could feel more than hear the man approach
him, and his mind shut down further.
"You are not sure? There must be something going on in that...tousled head of
yours...tell me," Snape said gently whilst running his fingers through Harry's
hair as though trying to straighten it.
"Uh...ermmm well ...I'm a bit confused actually... emm I don't know what I
feel." Harry shifted on his feet, not sure if he wanted to move away from the
touch or lean into it.
"Why do you think you are confused? What is there to be confused about?" Snape
continued carding his fingers though Harry's hair, running his hand over the
back of his head and down to a sensitive spot right at its nape. Harry relaxed
a little but realising that it was Snape's touch that was relaxing him, made
his mind even foggier.
"I'm confused about...everything. About all the anger I have ever felt, about
all the fear and anxiety I have lived with, about..." Harry paused and opened
his eyes briefly. Snape had his eyes closed, and his face was expressionless.
"Yes carry on."
Harry closed his eyes again trying to summon the courage to mention what had
happened between them the precious two nights, what seemed to be happening now.
"Well I'm confused about this...err about you... you know ...emm ..."
Snape leant down and very gently captured his lips with his own, stealing the
words from Harry's mouth. Harry instinctively leant into the kiss and returned
it; it was a very different sort of kiss, no less passionate but
less...animalistic, Harry thought. It sent shivers up his spine, but Snape
broke away abruptly.
"You are confused about how I make you...feel?" Snape whispered.
"Yeah I suppose..." Harry opened his eyes.
"Keep them closed Harry, I am not finished yet."
Snape's hands were on him, running down from his shoulders to the waistband of
his trousers, slowly massaging over the muscles as they went.
"You can't describe what sensations you feel, or you merely can't put a name to
them?"
"No, I could describe them, and maybe even name them, but well... that's what
is confusing. I mean one minute I was angry at you, the next scared, and now,
well now...there's this, and you are... you are a man!"
"Ah I see. Tell me Harry, have you ever been with a man before?"
"NO! Merlin, what kind of question is that!" Harry found himself struggling to
keep his eyes closed, but Snape circled his arms about his waist and pulled him
into a full body embrace. Harry's head naturally came to rest in the crook of
the taller man's neck.
"I believe it is an extremely pertinent question considering our...situation.
Have you ever been with a woman?"
"Emm, well yes, sort of," Harry mumbled. His lips moved against Snape's cool
skin as he spoke.
"Sort of?"
"Yeah, you know, a few kisses but not much more."
"Not much more?"
"Well nothing more I suppose."
"Why do you think that is? Why has your desire never been such that it has not
led to more?"
"Never met the right girl I guess. Those encounters, as you call them, didn't
really...uhhh!"
Snape's hand had dropped between their bodies, and lightly pressed against the
front of his trousers where there was an obvious hardening. The touch took
Harry's breath away.
"They didn't make you feel like this?"
Harry barely managed to shake his head by way of response.
"You have never once thought that odd? At no time looked at another boy and
considered what it would be like?"
"No," Harry croaked out.
What the fuck is going on with me Harry thought desperately, his body was
craving something his mind did not want, could not even begin to understand.
"You must let go of preconceived, muggle ideas of sexual relationships. The
truth is, a person's sexuality can be fluid, varying across time and situation.
This applies to muggles as well as magical people, but we have a greater
understanding of our own state of being than muggles will ever be able to
comprehend. You must learn to accept who you are at any given point in life and
know the reasons why."
A sense of peace washed through Harry and at that moment, standing in the tight
embrace of Snape, he felt less abnormal, less confused than he had ever felt.
Harry looked up to meet dark smouldering eyes, and groaned as the man's hand
gently rubbed his cock through his trousers. Harry stretched up and placed his
open willing mouth on the accepting lips above him, yet again initiating a
mind-bending kiss of teeth and tongues.
Nothing "wet" about this Harry thought as desire ripped through him as he
struggled not to thrust into Snape's hand; not wanting the movement to push him
away as it had the previous night. He groaned as the need for release built
quickly.
"Shit," he muttered into Snape's mouth, as his body took over and his hips
pushed hard against the touch, but Snape didn't break the kiss; instead, he
manoeuvred Harry back slightly until he was leaning against a student desk,
undid his trousers, and pushed them down. Harry bit harder than intended on
Snape's lower lip at the sensation of his cock being released to the cold
dungeon air, but the older man didn't seem to notice; it actually seemed to
drive him on into a more frenzied attack with his own sucking kisses and
nibbling bites.
Snape gripped Harry's length and ran his thumb over the slit, collecting the
moisture that had gathered there, rubbing it around the sensitive head, before
setting a brisk pace of firm strokes. It only took a few minutes of this
confident treatment before Harry felt the tightening of every muscle in his
body as his climax approached.
Something at the back of his mind was warring with his physical desire,
something that told him this was wrong; something that said he needed this to
stop.
"Fuck, stop...I can't hold on... shit..." Harry mumbled incoherently.
"Relax Harry...Come for me. Now."
"Oh Fuck!" The soft, seductive words uttered in his ear, pushed any niggling
doubt to the darkest recesses of his brain, and his body took over. The force
of his orgasm, the first experienced at the hand of another, was so strong it
verged on painful. Snape continued thrusting his hand up and down his length as
hot spurts of come shot up and coated the area of the black teaching robes
directly above him.
His climax left him a boneless jittery mess, and he only managed to remain
upright because of the strong arm around his waist holding him up. Snape let go
of him slowly, making sure he was balanced on the edge of the desk behind him,
and muttered a cleaning spell on his hand and robes.
"I think, under the circumstances, it would be best if I excuse you from your
detention tonight Mr Potter. You need to accept and understand who you are at
this point in your life before we can move on. Confusion is not an emotion; it
is merely a symptom of poor understanding, in this case a lack of understanding
yourself. You need to move past this before we can...continue."
Harry was in shock at the change of the man's demeanour, he was now speaking as
though in a potions classroom talking about the most basic potion to a class of
dunderheads.
"I accept that I might not be... normal. I have always known that! It is what
you are doing to me that I don't understand that's what's confusing me the
most!" Harry spat out.
"Exactly the reason I need you to work out what it is you feel before we can
continue. Now, please straighten yourself up. I believe there will be a first-
year class of Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs arriving shortly, and the state you
are in would send them running to the Headmaster quicker than seeing me dressed
in full Death Eater robes and mask."
Harry stared at the man, confusion clearing slightly, but he wasn't sure he
liked what he now felt. He quickly straightened himself up and stood to leave.
Snape, turned back to face Harry, let out a long-suffering sigh, and pinched
the bridge of his nose before he spoke.
"Potter, please do not turn up in my classroom late, looking as you did this
morning or act the way you did, again. It truly was a remarkably stupid thing
to do." There was no real malice in the voice, just a tired sounding
irritation.
"I have already apologised for that, and I told you that I didn't sleep
particularly well last night. As you know, I sometimes don't, and when I'm
tired, I can't concentrate on potions. I'm sorry I messed up, all right!"
"I can see you haven't slept well, and I did notice your complete failure at
brewing anything resembling the potion you were meant to. However, you are
correct, that is not particularly unusual for you. It is not to these facts
that I am solely referring, you idiot!" A frustrated sigh emitted from the
man's throat.
"Oh right emm, I am not sure what you are talking about then," Harry muttered.
"Not only did you come here late, you looked thoroughly debauched, which in
itself was enough to try my patience, but you then proceeded to stare at me and
watch my every move throughout the whole damn class. Indeed, that was the
reason for your failed potion, not tiredness."
Harry shuffled on his feet, and a heat crept up from his collar flushing his
face.
"Did you think I would not notice? I would be surprised if the whole bloody
class didn't notice. Even the most dim-witted of your friends might think it
strange, that after apparently having spent the entire evening with me, you
turn up looking the way you did, but then to proceed to thoroughly botch a
potion, that even a 1st year could attempt, whilst all the while staring at me
with a faraway vacant expression, was extremely foolish." Snape was clearly
losing control of his frustration, and growled as he advanced on Harry, but
there was still no real malice in his voice or expression.
"Don't you think you are being a bit paranoid Sir? I mean you said yourself, I
regularly turn up to class looking as though I haven't slept, and as I am sure
you remember, I frequently botch potions. As for looking at you, well emmm I
wasn't aware I was doing it," Harry ended lamely.
"I suggest you have a look in a mirror, and then tell me that you only look
tired." Snape flicked his wand, and a mirror appeared before Harry's now
scarlet face.
Oh shit, Harry thought as he looked at his unshaven face, which held very red,
swollen lips. There was also a love bite on his neck just above his squint
collar. He didn't remember Snape kissing him there let alone marking him. With
an unsteady hand, he drew his wand, pointed it at the bite, and muttered a
simple healing charm which completely removed the mark. He then repeated the
process on his lips.
"You obviously have some mediocre skill at casting healing charms. You clearly
had other more... pressing matters to attend to that made you fail to use them
before you left my office last night." Snape wore a small smirk of amusement on
his face.
Oh Merlin Harry thought. Snape had heard him come. The confusion vanished and
was replaced by something much less pleasant as the meaning of the words hit
home.
You better go before your friends get any more suspicious of what you are doing
with me. I will expect you back tomorrow night after you have dealt with your
confusion, and have faced up to who you truly are. Only then can we move on
with your...lessons. Snape raised a suggestive eyebrow and effectively
dismissed him by unwarding the door and turning his back on him.
Harry fled with his stomach in his shoes, feeling as though he might vomit.
A/N Well here it is, the next instalment of the rollercoaster ride of a week
with Harry's emotions! LOL. This chapter is really a bridging chapter to the
next main emotion, as I am sure you have all realised. When anyone's deep
seated beliefs and ideals are challenged there is always a period of confusion
and questioning. Now I admit this would normally take longer than 12 hrs to
work through but this is the wizarding world people! LOL anyway hope you
enjoyed it. Please review! Reading them makes writing even more worthwhile and
enjoyable!
Thanks to everyone who has favourited this already or added an alert and
especially to my lovely reviewers!
Crazy 109 yeah a two-by-four right by his head might feature in this story LOL)
nade elainoir– Glad you are enjoying it! Hope you find this one as good!
KitElizaKing Thanks for your lovely review you really made me happy all day!)
AlmondWithUnicornHair Nice to see you over here this deviation from my other
story. I will update Insanity just hit a wall with it at the mo. Glad you liked
this tho' and hope you have cooled down a bit)
Ieatmyfeelings OMFG indeed LOL... glad you liked it... think the tension comes
from thinking about sitting in that restaurant LMAO!)
Danniperson Glad you liked it Danni! Hey everyone reading this go check out
this girls work!
LHx
***** Shame *****
All the usual warnings – male/male sexual relationship, strong language. Rated
M for a reason.
Chapter 4 - Shame
Day 3 Continued
1040hrs -Boy's Bathroom-Dungeons
Harry ran to the nearest bathroom with his stomach heaving. Leaning over a
stone sink he turned on the icy cold water, splashed his flushed face, and
sobbed in hitched gasps. He had yet again fled from Snape - this time in shame.
Harry had always felt ashamed of who he was. He was responsible for the death
of his parents, for the death of Cedric and Sirius, for the death of an untold
number of people. People were still dying and would continue to die if he
didn't fulfil the prophecy and kill Voldemort. None of these deaths would have
happened if it hadn't been for him. Voldemort had been smart choosing him over
Neville; he must have known he was the weaker, more incompetent wizard.
The shame of being different shouldn't bother him by now he thought. If being
the so called Chosen One wasn't enough, he now knew he preferred men; he was
abnormal in yet another way.
He had practically thrown himself at Snape the night before, he had brought
himself off in the man's office, without any thought of being caught, then
turned up, looking as if he had indeed been in a brothel in said teacher's
class without a thought of how it might appear to his friends or his year
mates. And if that hadn't been bad enough, he had proceeded to throw himself at
him again, and virtually begged him to touch him, to make him come.
Harry punched his reflection, shattering the mirror in front of him. He
couldn't bear to look at his pathetic, tear-streaked face. The Dursleys' and
Snape were right - he was nothing special. He was irresponsible, reckless, and
weak, a total fuck up - a freak.
1245hrs - Great Hall.
"Where the hell have you been Harry? Are you intentionally trying to anger
Professor Snape, he will be furious that you didn't turn up to his defence
class? I mean really, you can be so..."
"Stupid... I know Hermione. You don't have to remind me!" Harry snapped at his
friend.
Hermione sighed "No Harry. You are not stupid. You can just be... a little
impulsive at times, you don't think through your actions before..."
"Yeah... jumping in headfirst...I'm a reckless mindless fool. I hear you."
Harry was ripping pieces of chicken from the bone as he spoke, throwing them on
his plate, although he really didn't want to eat right now.
Hermione slumped back in her seat and said nothing more. The silence between
them grew and became uncomfortable.
"I'm really not that hungry," Harry grouched after a few minutes of trying to
choke down some food. He rose from the bench, not daring to look at his friend;
he didn't want to see the concern in her eyes, the worry that represented the
distress he caused everyone around him.
"I'm sorry Harry, but I don't think you are stupid or reckless. Please sit back
down and try to eat something. You haven't eaten much, if anything at all, the
last day or two. I am worried about you because I care, all right? Please don't
go off like this."
Harry sat back down defeated, and pushed his plate aside so he could rest his
head on folded arms against the table.
"No Hermione you are right. I am a complete idiot. A stupid impulsive freak,"
he mumbled into the table.
"Harry, what has happened?" Hermione's hand rested on top of his head.
"Don't 'mione, I don't want to talk about it. You wouldn't understand anyway.
It's just these blasted lessons with... that bloody git."
"Harry!" Hermione removed her hand. The way she said his name this time had a
warning edge to it. He looked up to see his friend glancing at something behind
him. Just before he could sit up straighter and look around, the low, quiet
tones of Snape's sneering voice reached him.
"I am sure your friend would understand Mr Potter. However, it may
be...prudent, if certain details of our lessons are kept quiet...for the
moment, at least," Snape smirked and glanced quickly at Hermione.
"However, that is not the reason I wish to speak with you. Your failure to turn
up in my defence class, as you are aware, carries an automatic detention. Since
I cancelled your original detention for tonight, to allow for... certain
matters to clarify themselves, you will serve this new detention tonight.
Indeed, it is most opportune, since it appears I may have spilt something on my
desk, something rather sticky. You will attend at the usual time of 7pm and
commence cleaning immediately. I may not be available to supervise but expect
the job to be completed thoroughly." Snape raised his eyebrows, eyes glittering
with amusement as he stalked off.
Harry thought the heat rising from his gut would burn his insides. His eyes
watered at the intensity of the embarrassment and shame he felt.
He let out a whimpering groan and placed his head back on his arms, hoping the
ground would swallow him up.
What the hell had processed him to wank off in Snape's bloody office, he
thought miserably. To do so, had been crazy, but forgetting to clean up
afterwards had been imbecilic. He was an idiot, in fact, idiot did not quite
describe the level his stupidity and impulsiveness had sunk to.
Snape was laughing at him, as much as Snape could laugh, he had even reminded
him earlier that they were having lessons; lessons in controlling emotions.
That was what this was all about; Snape was just taking each emotion Harry
spouted forth and questioned it, trying to make him understand it. It was his
doing that they had turned sexual; they were his fucked-up emotions after all.
Snape didn't want him like that. He had always made it clear how ugly and dim-
witted he found him.
Why in Merlin's name had he felt comforted and at peace in the man's arms? Why
did his touch feel so right, so normal? He had felt relief when Snape had held
him, touched him, made him come in his hand. It had momentarily eased a deep
anxiety within him, an anxiety that went beyond the irrational fear he had felt
toward the man. It had touched a bigger hidden anxiety, one that said he wasn't
normal, had never been normal, and turned it into an excited yearning to feel
accepted.
He had never been overly attracted to girls he now acknowledged; in fact, he
had vague memories of liking a boy he had been at muggle school with years ago.
He had tried to like girls; he had found Cho attractive hadn't he? He loved her
black hair and dark eyes he remembered with a small smile, as images of her
fleeted through his mind. The smile was replaced with a scowl however, as the
images quickly morphed into something else, someone else, with equally dark
hair and eyes.
Harry opened his eyes to clear the images, and became aware that Hermione was
talking to him. He didn't have a clue how long she had been speaking or what
she was saying.
"...Harry, are you even listening?" Hermione said in an exasperated tone.
"Eh? Oh emm, sorry... no, I was thinking how fucked up my life is. What were
you saying?" Harry tried to sound normal, failing miserably, as a deep
depression stole over him mingling with his shame and guilt.
"Honestly Harry! You need to get a grip of yourself and stop making things
worse between you and Professor Snape. He is just acting on Professor
Dumbledore's orders you know!" Hermione huffed haughtily.
Harry let out a choked laugh at the irony of his friend's words, and shook his
head. If only Dumbledore knew, he would be expelled for his sick inappropriate
behaviour.
"Harry I think you and I need to talk. Tonight, after your detention, come
straight back to the common room, and we will have a chat. Let me try to help
you. I have been reading up on Occlumency, maybe we could practice together?"
"Oh, emm...I don't think that's a good idea 'mione. Anyway, we would have to be
able to cast a Legilimens to practice properly."
Harry hoped his friend hadn't managed to teach herself this skill; he certainly
didn't want her to rummage about in his most recent shameful memories, ever.
"Well yes, we would, but maybe we should try. It would be a good skill to
learn," Hermione said hopefully, an excited gleam in her eyes at the thought of
learning something new.
"I will be too tired by the time I get back, maybe another night all right?"
Harry said trying not to sound horrified at the thought.
"Ok we won't practice tonight, but I still want to talk to you," Hermione said
obviously disappointed in not being given permission to cast Legilimens on her
friend.
Harry nodded his agreement, although he hoped he would find an excuse between
now and then not to meet with her. She wouldn't understand and would tell Ron.
The thought of his friends knowing just how different and screwed up he really
was made him shudder.
1900hrs – Snape's Office.
The rest of the day had gone all right Harry supposed. The History of Magic
class really was the most boring class ever. It had, unfortunately, allowed him
too much time to think, and grow more ashamed of his now obvious sexual
preferences. He just wanted to feel normal, and knowing he wasn't in this
fundamental area of life depressed him more than any of the other stuff that
made him unusual. This was at the core of his being, and not something that had
been forced upon him, or expected of him. He couldn't blame anyone for this,
only his own sick mind he realised as the boring voice of the history Professor
had droned on.
Charms had been no better. Flitwick had them practicing the Muffliato charm,
and when Harry had cast it the class had been surrounded with a low, menacing
sounding growl. Flitwick had found it amusing, since according to the Professor
the noise was more appropriate than the gentle buzzing the charm was meant to
emit, as it had been Snape that had apparently invented the blasted thing.
Harry didn't find it in the least bit funny. In fact, it made him even more
ashamed of himself; he was becoming obsessed with Snape he thought. Even a
simple charm showed how much the man was on his mind.
It was in this frame of mind Harry approached the Professor's office, and he
prayed to Merlin that Snape hadn't been lying when he had said he would be busy
tonight. However, when he knocked on the door of Snape's office, he experienced
a small pang of disappointment, even as a sigh of relief escaped him when the
knock went unanswered. When he pushed the door open the room beyond was
revealed to be empty, and Harry slowly made his way over to the large wooden
desk. Memories of what he had done the night before came flooding back, and a
wave of embarrassment washed over him again. The shame and embarrassment did
not stop feelings of arousal and excitement coursing through him however, as
thoughts of Snape touching him and pressing his hard body pressed against him
came to the forefront of his mind. The room smelt of Snape Harry realised as he
breathed in deeply, it was intoxicating to him now and made his cock twitch and
harden more.
Trying to calm down, he looked around the room for any sign of cleaning
supplies; he was normally not allowed to use magic to clean in his previous
detentions with Snape, so presumed there would have been some cleaning
materials left out for him. When his gaze returned to the desk, he noticed a
single piece of parchment sitting neatly in the centre of the old wooden
desktop. Wondering if Snape had left him written instructions, he picked it up
and unrolled it carefully. However, the parchment was revealed to be blank.
Just as he was about to replace it on the desk, a familiar flowing script
slowly began to appear as if being written by an invisible hand.
Mr Potter
You are no longer required to clean my desk. I found it necessary to do so
myself prior to using it.
I have no wish to spend yet another evening in my office, supervising this
unnecessary detention; therefore, you will join me in the adjacent room. The
door is unlocked.
S.S
"Oh shit," Harry muttered as he read the note again. Shame engulfed him as
images of Snape cleaning up his mess flashed through his mind. The emotion was
not alone though, it conflicted with a desire to see the man and an excitement
in the prospect of doing so. His vision blurred, and his head spun. He had to
control these errant emotions; this was what Snape was trying to teach him
after all, it had nothing to do with wanting anything else from him. He had
made a fool of himself so far, had shown just how weak he was, so weak that he
hadn't managed to work out who he was, what it was he desired on his own.
Taking deep breaths; Harry tried to focus his mind and think of Snape as the
Greasy Git, the man who angered and frightened him, but he just couldn't. Oh
the sensations of anger and fear were there, but he couldn't recognise them as
such, he now only felt a burning desire to be held by the man, to feel at peace
again and a bubbling excitement at being invited into the man's private domain.
The desire and excitement were clouded by a deep shame of actually wanting this
from a man, from any man. He hadn't yet dared to consider who it was he
currently seemed to desire; that was too much for his mind to process yet, too
disturbing. He had to hide these emotions, he decided, had to find something to
say that would sound assertive and mature. He would apologise for his
behaviour, and hope Snape didn't want him to close his eyes tonight. He didn't
think he could deal with that again. Not yet, not until he could work out a how
to stop the shameful way his body craved the man's touch.
Taking a last deep breath, he knocked on the door leading to Snape's private
rooms and braced himself against showing any signs of arousal or excitement,
tried to hide his shameful urges.
1910hrs –Snape's Private Quarters.
"Come in, Potter," Snape's relaxed slow voice instructed through the wood.
Harry shivered at the sound of the deep, resonate tone. Closing his eyes he
took yet another deep breath, as if trying to draw control and resolve from the
air.
Opening the door slowly, he glanced around the sweeping foyer that greeted him,
and gasped. It was decorated in luminous silvers, dark emerald greens and
whites. The floor and walls were glittering marble that reflected all these
colours from the light that was being emitted from a bright orb dancing
overhead. In the centre of the foyer, there was a sizeable glass Terrarium. As
Harry approached it, he saw it held an impressively large, beautiful green and
black snake. The snake glanced up at him hissed and lazily.
"Welcome. My Massssster awaitssss you, my little Ssssslytherin." Harry gasped.
The snake obviously wasn't used to welcoming Gryffindor students into his
Master's rooms.
"Thank you for your welcome," Harry hissed back in parseltongue "but I am not a
Ssssslytherin. I am a Gryffindor." Harry nodded and lowered his eyes in respect
to the old snake.
"Ah you are the sssspeaker my masssster talkssss of sssso frequently." The
snake uncoiled from his perch and slithered toward the front of his enclosure
"I thinkssss you are missstaken however, you are mosssst certainly a
Ssssslytherin." The snake seemed to fix his gaze on Harry's eyes as he spoke.
Before Harry could reply however, the voice of the snake's Master broke his
thoughts.
"Are you going to stand speaking with my familiar all night, or are you going
to remember your manners and speak to the human who lives here?"
"My Massssster isssss rather agitated thisssss evening. Good Luck my
Ssssslytherin friend, pleassssse come and ssssspeak with me again sssssoon, it
nicsssse to finally have a sssspeaker amongssssst us again."
Harry nodded again at the snake and turned toward the direction from which
Snape's voice had come, and slowly walked towards it. There appeared to be no
door in the large marble archway that delineated the entrance foyer from what
appeared to be a sitting room. Harry could see an orange glow coming from the
far wall, and presumed the light was emanating from a fire, but his view was
blocked by the back of a large, emerald green, leather sofa. This room was much
darker overall than the brilliance of the entrance, but it conveyed a warmth
and comfort with its deep colours of black and green. Three of the room's
walls, which were still white marble, were lined with books from floor to
ceiling making the room less bright, and there were thick, dark rugs on the
marble floor.
Harry cautiously walked round to the side of the sofa.
Sitting at the far end, was a tired looking Professor Snape. In his lap there
was a large open tome, but his eyes were closed, his head rested against the
soft green leather, and his legs were stretched out in front of him. Snape had
his hair tied back, away from his face. He wore a casual white shirt, which was
open at the neck, black trousers, and no shoes. Harry gasped at the sight of
the usually tense rigid Professor, who, to Harry, looked stunning like this.
"Please sit Potter; I rather dislike being gawked at." There was no hint of
malice in the man's voice, just a tired weariness. The flush in Harry's face
deepened. He wasn't sure if it was from arousal, shame, or a creeping sensation
in his gut he couldn't quite place.
"Oh right...errr I am sorry Sir... mmm," Harry floundered and shuffled his
feet, not wanting to sit beside the man but not wanting to appear completely
socially inept either. He wanted to show he could be composed and mature but
knew he wasn't doing a very good job at it so far. Harry cast his eyes around
the room, but could see no other chairs, just the sofa on which the Professor
sat.
"I won't bite Mr Potter." Snape opened his eyes and turned to look at Harry,
raising an eyebrow when Harry flushed more, a hint of amusement clear in the
black glittering orbs as he added, "If that is not what you want that is."
"No... God no...mmm, I... I am mmm sorry about...ahh...you know... I..."
Snape's amused glint turned into a smirk, and he snorted at Harry's attempts to
apologise.
"Really Potter, sit down and try to at least breathe. I could do without you
passing out on me again."
Harry's embarrassment and shame, washed over him afresh in a strong pulsing
wave, making his stomach drop, and he thought he might vomit from the
sensation. It did, however, effectively extinguish his excitement and arousal
much to Harry's relief.
Sitting down tensely on the edge of the sofa beside the still relaxed figure of
his Professor, Harry put his head in his hands, and tried to regain his
composure. Snape obviously found his inadequate bumbling attempts at an apology
laughable, and he supposed he had sounded like an inarticulate fool. Taking
another steadying breath he tried again.
"Professor Snape, I was trying to apologise for my reckless, impulsive
behaviour over the last couple of days. I'm sorry for what I did in your
office, sorry that I threw myself at you inappropriately. I know you were only
reacting to my emotions as they arose, trying to get me to see how poorly I
control or indeed understand myself."
Harry heard the man beside him shift in his seat and after a moment's silence
Snape spoke in a quiet tone that held no derision or humour.
"Why do you feel the need to apologise?"
Harry looked up briefly at the question, stifling a groan at seeing a gentle,
almost caring look, in the deep black eyes. The look shot through his senses;
the desire to be held and understood returned.
"Because I am ashamed of myself," He managed to grind out as he hung his head
again.
"Ashamed? Why would you feel shame?"
"Oh, you want analyse what I feel, tonight?"
"Yes, I suppose I do, although that is not what I had planned for this evening,
I had thought I might have been able to help clear up some of your confusion.
However, since you seem to have moved on, ever so slightly, maybe we should
explore the reason for your current state of mind."
"Oh right, well I would rather not, if that is all right with you. I haven't
had much time to think about what I feel yet."
"No, I think it imperative we look at why you feel shame Mr Potter. Shame is a
toxic emotion. It undermines who you are, and does not allow you to move
forward in life. It stops you achieving your desires by blocking self-
acceptance, and is not far removed from confusion or lack of understanding of
one's desires. It can become so entrenched in a person's view of self that it
overrules every other emotion. In short, it can rule your life." Snape had
become distant as he spoke; his voice trailing off as though he was speaking to
himself by the time he finished.
"Right, yeah ok, that makes sense, but if I can only feel shame, then surely
that's better than all the other stuff that went on in my head up until now.
Will it not help me control my emotions and focus on shielding my mind? That's
what this is all about anyway. I mean I am so ashamed of myself right now that
I do not want anyone to see what's going on in my head. It might make it easier
to throw anyone out."
"You are partly correct. Shame can aid someone in blocking their inner feelings
and memories, quite effectively in some cases. However, in your situation, this
will not do. To effectively shield your mind, you must understand and accept
your emotions. Otherwise you may end up withdrawing from those who seek to help
you, and impede the successful completion of your goals in life or finding
happiness. Shame is such that it eats away at you, leaving nothing of your true
self. I do not advocate suppression or withdrawal from any emotion, since there
is always a high risk of the truth breaking through when you least expect or
need it. I encourage you therefore, to move past this shame and begin to form a
deeper understanding of what drives and motivates you."
"Well I don't think I will ever get past being ashamed of what I am, of what I
have done."
"I return to my original question then, why do you feel so ashamed?"
"Why do you think? I mean you are right. You have always been right. I am a
complete idiot, a bumbling fool who didn't even realise I...well you know..."
"Prefer men?"
"Yeah."
"Is that the only reason you feel ashamed?"
"No. I am ashamed of throwing myself at you and turning up looking like I did
in class this morning. I am ashamed of what I did in your office, and that I
have spent the last couple of days worrying about whether I prefer men or women
when people are dying trying to protect me. I am ashamed that I am not the
great wizard everyone thinks I am; that I lived and my mother died; that I
couldn't protect Cedric in that cemetery, that I didn't listen to you two years
ago and learn to shield my mind. If I had, Sirius wouldn't have died..."
Harry fell silent, aware he had been ranting, and could feel tears sting at the
back of his eyes. He hid his face in his hands again, and willed the tears not
to come. He refused to cry.
After a few moments Snape let out a sudden gasp of air, as if someone had
knocked it out of him.
Harry held his own breath waiting for some derisory comment about his
weaknesses or scathing remarks that would confirm his worthlessness. Silence
stretched on for what felt like forever. Snape suddenly stood and strode across
the room. Harry sat up a little straighter, and opened his eyes a little to see
Snape standing at a window that was charmed to show a view of the lake.
"That is quite some list Potter. How long have you been feeling like this?"
Snape asked quietly.
"Errr well I have always been ashamed of who I am. I'm a freak in the muggle
world and the resident celebrity who is weak and knows nothing here at
Hogwarts. I have always been different, never been accepted for just being me."
Snape flinched slightly at Harry's reference to words that he had uttered years
ago.
"You are not weak; in fact, you are far from it. The power your magical core
emits is actually stronger than you yet realise, I should not have made an
example of you when you first came here, or made some of the comments I did in
your previous lessons," Snape spoke in low tones as though speaking to himself.
"Oh," was all Harry could say, he didn't know if the Professor's words made him
feel more ashamed or encouraged. If he wasn't weak, then why hadn't he managed
to fulfil the prophecy yet? Why had he failed to stop Voldemort returning, and
why could he not grasp the basics of Occlumency?
"You are not to blame for your parent's death or indeed for Mr Diggory's or
Black's demise. I ..." Snape broke off suddenly and paused, turning to focus on
Harry as he spoke slowly "...the blame for these deaths does not fall at your
feet."
"I know that, I suppose. People have told me as much, many times, but it
doesn't really help how I feel about it all. I...suppose... I... generally
don't think about it all that much now really...it's just with ...well...you
know... realising that I am... different in another way...it has brought a lot
of stuff back."
Snape sat down beside him.
"You are different Mr Potter, of that there is no doubt, but only in that you
have had fame and celebrity thrust on you from an early age. Which is something
you had no control. You have been heralded as the saviour of the Wizarding
world by people who do not have the faintest idea why you survived that night.
As for your more...personal preferences...they are not abnormal. You only think
of them as such because of the restrictive, narrow-minded, muggle upbringing
you clearly have had to endure. If I were to tell you that there are a number
of Witches and Wizards, currently at Hogwarts, who also prefer the same sex,
from both the student and staff body, would that make you feel any better?"
"Oh emmm yeah...well...actually no, not really, I mean... well I'm 17, I am
technically an adult and have only just realised there is something wrong with
me, that I am more attracted to Wizards... I mean Merlin, I really am pretty
thick not to know that about myself."
"Stop that nonsense Potter; have you not heard a word I have said tonight or
this morning. Your sexuality is something that is fluid. It changes with time
and situation and it certainly does not mean there is something wrong with you!
You no doubt have pushed thoughts of forming a relationship with anyone away
because of the danger inherent in being who you are. It is perfectly normal to
resist even friendship when there is so much at risk."
"Oh so this is just a phase? I might not be gay?"
Snape growled in exasperation "No, I think you are...gay... as you name it, a
muggle word I personally have no time for, I do not think that will change, you
have only come to realise it because you haven't allowed yourself to consider a
close relationship with anyone. The situation has never been right. Your
sexuality is fluid in that, once you become more accepting of who you are, your
needs from a sexual partner will change over time, but not generally the gender
you are most attracted to, although you may indeed enjoy both."
Harry hung his head, not sure he grasped what Snape was telling him, but it was
clear enough that he was right, that he was gay; he had pushed thoughts of
close relationships aside in fear of getting someone hurt or even killed.
"Oh right ok. Well I'm sorry I threw myself at you and made you touch me.
I...god...I don't know what I was thinking."
"You merely reacted to my suggestion that the sensations you associate with
anger and fear, could, in fact, be interpreted differently. You must get over
this sense of guilt for your actions, as well as your shame. You must learn to
accept who you are, Harry."
Snape moved closer to Harry, gently reached out one hand, and cradled his chin,
lifted up his face to look at him.
"Look at me Harry. Can you honestly tell me, you did not enjoy my touch, that
it didn't feel right?"
"Uh...yeah you know I enjoyed it, but god... that is just so messed up!" Even
if Harry could learn to accept he preferred Wizards, he knew that being
attracted to Snape was just wrong on so many levels he couldn't even think
about it.
Snape captured Harry's face in both hands, and ran a thumb gently over his lips
before leaning in closer.
"You enjoyed it, but felt it was wrong? Does this feel wrong?" Snape closed the
distance and pressed his lips against Harry's.
Harry was shocked by how right it felt, even though at the back of his mind,
there was a niggling feeling it was all very wrong. Not so much that he was a
man any longer, but that this was Snape his most hated Professor. Regardless of
this fact, however, he felt his desire for the man flood through him from his
lips straight to his groin, exciting him. Shame, guilt and whatever else he was
feeling was pushed aside at that moment as he responded, leaning gently into
the kiss, parting his lips slightly in invitation. Snape had initiated the
first touch this time, and he didn't want to push for more. He needed to know
that this was not only his desire but Snape's as well. He needed to control his
impulses. He had to control his emotions.
Control his emotions he thought. Shit this is what this is all about. Harry
pulled back from the kiss and stood abruptly. The realisation that Snape was
only doing this as part of his lessons, that he was only trying to teach him
control, hit home.
"I'd better go...ermmm my friends will wonder where I have got to," Harry
managed to stutter out through his ragged breathing and turned to leave.
"Harry, I..."
"You don't need to say anything Sir. I am gay. I like wizards. I accept it all
right. You were only trying to teach me to understand and control my emotions -
make me less impulsive. I get it. You don't need to touch me again to make me
understand."
"Harry. Please listen. Yes, this was about understanding and controlling your
emotions, but..."
"Stop Professor. Please just let me go. I need time to deal with everything
that has happened, and I can only do that by myself. Please," Harry pleaded.
Snape sighed, "I will see you tomorrow then."
Harry nodded, leaving Snape staring at his retreating back as he fled once
more.
A/N Sorry it has taken me longer to update this than I originally thought it
would. Have found this chapter a bit of a challenge and would still be
floundering if I hadn't been set a challenge to get it finished today by
ieatmyfeelings! Thanks for the kick up the ass x
I hope it has turned out alright. Shame is a very difficult emotion to
understand, it is something that is so personal and deep that it requires many
sources of support to overcome. I found it difficult to try and move this story
along, while trying to express what shame can do to someone and still make this
a fun story! It hasn't turned out quite the way I had hoped actually but here
you have it. I may revisit this chapter at a later date if you think it isn't
very clear what I am trying to say... Please let me know!
Thanks to all my reviewers and all of those that have messaged me and set story
alerts etc, but especially to my reviewers. I wouldn't be still writing these
stories if it wasn't for you guys! Gabby, MarkMeUp, Crazy109,
AlmondwithUnicornHair, Danniperson and of course ieatmyfeelings Luv ya all. LHx
***** Disgust *****
Usual Warnings! Rated M for a reason this is a male/male slash story and as
such has sexual content. Strong language is also used throughout.
Chapter 5 – Disgust
Day 3 Continued
Gryffindor Tower – 2010hrs
Harry ran up the stairs to the Gryffindor common room taking two steps at a
time. He needed to talk to someone, and he knew Hermione would listen. He
thought she might even understand. His shame had blocked the knowledge that he
could trust the girl he had been friends with for the last six years, but he
knew now that he could trust her not to judge him with something like this. Not
that he intended to talk to her about Snape, he didn't think her understanding
would stretch that far, but he had to tell someone that he was gay. He
generally wasn't very good at talking about his thoughts or feelings, but
telling someone would cement his acceptance of it, he decided.
Shouting the password at the portrait as he sprinted up the last few steps, he
barged into the common room, ignoring the snide remarks about his rudeness from
the fat lady guarding the entrance as it slammed shut behind him. Scanning the
room, he saw Hermione sitting curled up with Ron in a small window alcove seat,
and his heart sank. He knew he could trust Ron with his life, but he wasn't
ready to tell him this, not yet at least.
Pulling his gaze away from his contented friends, he turned to drag himself up
to the dormitory with a familiar sinking feeling in his gut that reminded him
he was very much on his own. A deep yearning to have someone to hold, as his
friends did, took hold. It was an ache so immense it pained his very soul.
Shame had been replaced by an acceptance of his sexuality, but the pain of
yearning for something he couldn't have, maybe could never have, was worse. He
needed someone he could be close to that would want him, not because of his
scar or his name, but because of the person he was. However, he knew that even
if he did find someone who could see beyond all the publicity surrounding him,
he would never enter into a relationship willingly whilst evil threatened his
life and everyone around him that called him their friend. It didn't matter he
was gay. Just because he preferred wizards changed nothing. He had accepted
that it was safer to be on his own a long time ago, but it did not stop him
wishing for more at times, and tonight was one of these times.
Maybe that's why it felt right with Snape. Snape didn't care about his scar or
his celebrity. Being with him didn't bring the man any more danger than he was
already in. Well, unless he let Voldemort see them together through his
memories he realised. A shot of panic ran through him. He had to learn
Occlumency before he got someone else he cared about killed. Not that he cared
about Snape, he quickly corrected himself, but he didn't want him dead just
because of his lack of ability to keep Voldemort out his mind. It didn't mean
he liked or cared for the man.
As Harry reached the stairs leading to the boy's dorm, Hermione shouted out.
"Harry, where do you think you are skulking off to? You promised me a night in
the library."
His friend had removed herself from Ron's arms and was walking toward him.
Harry turned and looked at her with confusion until she winked and rolled her
eyes back in her head indicating Ron behind her.
"Oh Yeah, did I? Ah well it's a bit late now."
"Nonsense, you are back early again from your detention. I presume Professor
Snape wasn't there?"
"Eh yeah, he wasn't in his office, but he left me a note about what he wanted
me to do. I left when I was finished," Harry said trying to not blatantly lie
to his friend.
"So come on then, let's get going. Are you going to join us Ron? We are
planning to look into the history of runes and their use throughout ancient
times."
"Eh? Oh, right. Emm, nah you're all right. I have stuff I need to do here," Ron
said giving Harry an apologetic look as he screwed up his face in disgust at
the thought of going to the library.
"Looks like it's just you and me then Harry," Hermione said cheerfully as she
put her arm through his and led him back out the common room into the corridor.
They silently made their way to the ground floor, but rather than turning
toward the library they headed out toward the main entrance.
"I thought we could maybe go and sit by the lake for a while. It's a lovely
night," Hermione said.
"Ok, yeah that sounds good. I could do with some fresh air with all the time I
have spent in the dungeons this week. If I am not careful I might start to take
on that pale, greasy, gothic look, in fact, I even smell of potions." Harry
raised his arm to his nose and breathed in the scent of Snape. It was a
slightly musky scent laced with hints of various potions. His heart flipped
over at the smell and groaned, immediately trying to hide the noise with a
cough and a disgusted look on his face as soon as it escaped him. Hermione
smiled at him and raised an eyebrow.
Once they arrived at their usual place beside the loch, Hermione pulled two
large blankets out of her bag and spread one on the dew moistened grass before
sitting down. Harry flopped down beside her and stared out over the dark,
glassy surface.
"We haven't really had a chance to see you since we got back Harry, and you
seem a little stressed and distant. Is everything all right?"
"Yeah I'm fine 'mione, it's been a hard week so far, that's all."
"I take it your lessons with Professor Snape have been just as bad this year as
they were in 5th year?"
"Eh well yeah, I suppose they have been. In a different sort of way... they
have been worse...much worse, actually."
"You can't have done much your first night. I mean you were only gone for about
an hour if not less."
"Yeah well, I told you, he let me go early."
"What about last night? Ron said you didn't come up to the dorm until about
five in the morning."
"I wasn't in the dungeons all that time. I went for a walk afterwards to clear
my head."
"So how did that lesson go?"
"I can't occlude if that's what you are asking. The lesson wasn't helpful. Look
Hermione I would rather not talk about this all right. I just need to get
through this week and hope Snape realises soon that he can't teach me and gives
up again."
"So where did you go for your walk last night? Did it help clear your head a
bit?"
"Oh emm, I just walked around the grounds and sat in the Astronomy Tower. You
know how I like it up there."
"On your own? You need to remember who you are Harry. Hogwarts is safe, but you
know the weak point is the Astronomy Tower."
"I know who I am Hermione," Harry said a little too sharply.
"I know you do, but you can't withdraw from everyone. You are going to have a
tough year this year, and you need your friends Harry. Ron and I will always be
here for you. We want to help as much as we can. You do know that right?"
"I know 'mione, sorry for snapping. It's just that I have had a lot to think
about the last few days."
Hermione picked up the other blanket, moved closer to Harry, and pulled the
blanket around them both. She leant into his side and placed her head on his
shoulder. They sat like this looking over the loch for a minute or two in
silence.
"Hermione?"
"Mhmm?"
"If I tell you something personal, will you promise not to tell Ron, even if
you hate me after you hear what it is?"
"I am sure there is nothing you can tell me that will make me hate you, Harry."
"Yeah well, if you did, will you promise not to tell Ron?"
"Emm yeah ok, but he has been worried about you too, you know, even if he
doesn't show it."
"I know, but do you promise?"
"Yes all right, I promise," Hermione said rolling her eyes as if she thought
Harry was being a little silly.
Harry closed his eyes and let out a long breath.
"I'm...well I think...I'm...emmm..." Harry sighed again. This was harder than
Harry had thought it would be.
"Goodness Harry just spit it out. It can't be that bad! Just take a deep breath
and say whatever it is that is bothering you!"
Harry didn't take a deep breath; he held it and blurted, "I'm gay Hermione."
Hermione let out a small laugh. "Yes, and this is a problem because?" Hermione
had stretched the words out as if what he had said was no surprise.
"Is that all you are going to say? I tell you that I am gay, and you don't
think that's a big deal?"
"Oh Harry, sometimes you can be really dim! Why would it be a big deal? We have
been waiting on you telling us for ages!"
Harry didn't know whether to be relieved or offended by her comments.
"Yeah well I only worked it out myself recently. What do you mean you have been
waiting on me telling you?" Harry said a little sulkily.
"Well come on Harry! Ginny has been throwing herself at you for ages, and you
don't even seem to realise it. You've not had any interest in girls since Cho,
and even then, I don't think you were all that attracted to her. I mean what
guy snogs an attractive girl then all they can say about it was it was 'wet'.
Really Harry, it wasn't difficult to work out," Hermione laughed again and
shook her head.
"Oh right, yeah I suppose. I must be really thick not to have known myself
until yesterday." Harry said with a frown.
"No, not thick just not willing to accept it maybe. So who's the guy then?"
"Errr the guy? There is no guy." Harry was a little taken aback that Hermione
thought he was with someone.
"After the way you turned up in potions this morning? Ha! Don't you dare try to
tell me there is no guy!"
"Oh yeah right... ah shit, I really don't want to talk about it. It was just a
one-off 'mione"
"Harry, you can tell me, you know. Ron already knows you are gay, but I promise
I won't tell him who you have been with."
"Like I said, it was just a one-off, you know a one-night stand. I won't be
with him again, that much is for sure."
"I didn't take you for the love-them-and-leave-them type of guy Harry. Are you
sure that a one-night stand is all it was?"
"Definitely."
"Oh come on Harry! Just tell me who it was. I promise I won't tell anyone. I
think I might know anyway."
"What? There is no way you can know! I know you are a know-it-all but not on
this! You couldn't guess in a million years."
"Well I think it might surprise you how obvious it is when you analyse the
evidence," Hermione said a little smugly.
"What evidence? There is no evidence!"
"Oh I think you will find there is plenty."
"Go on then, tell me who you think it was. I bet you a butterbeer you are
wrong!"
"Professor Snape," she replied simply.
Harry froze for a moment in shock before he realised he needed to deny her
statement. Jumping to his feet, he tried to react as he might have done just a
few days ago had she suggested he had been snogging Snape.
"WHAT? Ha! That is the craziest things I think you have ever said. I mean,
Merlin Hermione, have you totally lost your mind? Snape? What on earth made you
come to that conclusion?"
"Calm down Harry! I mean goodness you're acting like I said Voldemort or
something!"
"Well he is... he's the next worst thing! He's an evil bastard, a...a Death
Eater... a sadistic git and...and he hates me!"
"Stop it Harry. Your initial reaction just confirmed it. I know all right."
"You know nothing. You've gone completely mad!" Harry said pacing in front of
her.
"I know you have had no time to yourself. I know that you have spent most of
your time in the dungeons or in class. I know that Professor Snape went out of
his way to touch you yesterday. It was fairly erotic to watch actually, and I
know he was more than just annoyed about your lateness this morning. I know you
watched his every move, and were distracted by him. I know he held you back
after potions. I know you failed to turn up for defence for no apparent reason,
and Snape didn't even ask Ron or me where you were, as if he knew you probably
wouldn't come. I know someone healed your ... marks and reduced the swelling to
your lips between potions and lunch. I know he was teasing you about something
in the Great Hall, and you were embarrassed by it. I know you have just come
from his private rooms and... well...you smell of him."
Harry stopped pacing and stared at his friend in shock before trying to
respond.
"Oh...my god...do you over analyse everything? For your information...you have
it all wrong. There was nothing erotic about him touching me. He was...he was
threatening me! Well actually he said he wasn't but, anyway, I thought he was,
and I healed my own marks once I saw them in a mirror. I smell like potions
because you are right, I have spent most of my free time in the bloody
dungeons, and what makes you think I was in his rooms?"
"I came down to his office earlier. I thought you might have liked some company
since Professor Snape said he wouldn't be supervising your detention. You left
his note lying on his desk."
"Oh, right yeah...well ok I was in his rooms, but that proves nothing. He just
wanted to talk about the Occlumency lessons."
"Harry I know, but you need to be a little more careful. I mean he is a
teacher, your teacher!"
"I know what he is Hermione, and teacher isn't my main concern here! He's a
Death Eater and a slimy git that really does hate me, so whatever it is you
think you know you have it wrong."
"Harry, please sit down. I saw the way you looked at him in class this morning,
and at lunch. Even that on its own would have told me something had changed
between you. It is really quite obvious. You don't need to lie to me. I promise
I won't tell anyone, as long as you promise to be more careful."
"Urghhh Fuck!" Harry sat back down with a thump.
"Believe me nothing is happening. He hates me, has always hated me, and that's
all there ever will be between us, so can we just drop this now. It's making me
feel a bit sick."
"Harry you said you felt threatened by him. Are you trying to tell me...he
forced himself on you?"
"Oh shit no. God no! I...look it's complicated."
"So you like him then?"
"Like? Ha! No! God, Hermione, how can anyone like Snape? Urghh. I mean
seriously, it's pretty disgusting to think about."
"Are you sure that's how he makes you feel?"
"Merlin, don't you start asking how I feel. That's what got me into this mess
in the first place."
Hermione gave him a questioning look.
"Look if I explain a little about what happened, will you promise to just let
it go?"
Hermione nodded.
"In a nutshell, he thinks that by exploring my emotions, as they arise, he can
get me to understand them better. If I can understand them, then I will be able
to control them."
"Ah the first step in mastering Occlumency." Hermione said nodding.
"Correct."
"So on Monday night, I was really angry with him about...God I can't even
remember why I was so furious... but anyway, I was. He made me close my eyes
and explain what sensations the anger caused me physically, you know stomach in
knots etc... anyway, he then asked what the anger made me want to do.
Everything I said was physical, like I really wanted to slap the evil smirk
right off his ugly face. I wanted to grab him and throw him across the room but
when I told him, he suggested that I wanted to touch him and then...well... he
well he sort of kissed me.
Hermione gasped.
"Yeah I know totally fucking mental eh? But the thing was 'mione... Urghh
god...as soon as I felt his lip's brush against mine the anger disappeared. I
still felt the same sensations, but it felt more like I...uhh...look it was a
shock all right, that's was all it was. I mean I still had my eyes closed!"
"So it wasn't just 'wet' then?" Hermione said with obvious mirth in her tone.
Harry gave her a withering stare and raised his hand to stop her from saying
anything else.
"I could do without comments like that Hermione!"
Hermione chocked back a laugh and coughed in an obvious attempt to control her
amusement. "Sorry Harry. Carry on. I promise I won't say anything else."
"Ok, well, last night he told me to close my eyes again. I was really anxious
about it, I mean Merlin, I didn't know what he was going to do, not that I
thought he would attack me or anything, but I just couldn't get it out of my
head that he had kissed me. Anyway, he had said and done a few things
throughout the day that kind of scared me a bit, but he managed to turn them
all round, as if they had been nothing but private jokes. He made me realise
that anxiety and maybe even fear could be a positive thing, that it could be
interpreted as excitement. The thing was he is right, I mean ermmmm... I was
...god...I really was...and I ended up kissing him Hermione. How fucked up is
that! He stopped it going too far, and said that I had learnt that anger could
be interpreted as desire and fear as excitement.
"Wow that's really...I don't know what to say!"
"Oh there is more!" Harry had never been this open about anything with anyone
before, but now he had started talking, he wanted to get it all out.
"This whole anger to desire, fear to excitement thing, it kind of makes sense.
I have never actually analysed why I feel a certain way before, but now when I
think about all the times I have felt a angry or scared, I can actually turn it
around to see how desire and excitement fits in. I mean I still fear Dementors,
for example, but I fear them because I am scared of never feeling happiness. In
other words, I feel excited about being able to face true evil and
extinguishing it, so I finally might have a chance of finding some happiness.
Does that make any sense?"
Hermione nodded.
"After potions this morning, he had me close my eyes again and asked me how I
was feeling. I told him I was confused, and well, I was. God, my whole
perception of who I am had just been turned upside down. He said confusion
wasn't really an emotion, and I needed to work through it to gain an
understanding of who I was before the lessons could continue. Anyway, I ended
up kissing him again, and he didn't stop it going further than just a kiss.
God, I'm really fucked up aren't I? You must be horrified at me. I'm horrified
at me. I mean I accept that I am gay now. Up until tonight I was more worried
about liking men than being turned on by Snape but now that I can accept that I
do prefer men, the whole thing about throwing myself at Snape kind of turns my
stomach. It really is a bit worrying, not only worrying, but I am disgusted by
it. We kissed again tonight, but he started it that time, and I managed to push
him away, thank Merlin!"
"Why did you push him away?"
"Because this is just a way for him to make realise I have no clue about
controlling my emotions. He is trying to get me to understand them by making me
feel them. It's all just a lesson plan to him! Why he thought it would work I
have no idea, but I suppose he has actually read my cues pretty well, but
thinking that I might actually have liked him all along and he knew, is
disturbing, considering even I didn't have a clue I would react like this!"
"So you do like him then?"
"I actually don't have a bloody clue how he makes me feel 'mione, apart from
pretty messed up and disgusted."
"Why are you disgusted though? I mean Professor Snape is rather sexy, in a
strong masculine sort of way, don't you think?"
"Sexy? Bloody hell Hermione, are you having a laugh? You think Snape is sexy?"
"Well yeah, I mean I'm not attracted to him or anything. I think I prefer
blonde hair to black, but he does have a presence about him, and his voice is
rather distracting. I can understand the appeal."
"Blonde? Don't you mean ginger?"
"Oh yeah, well that too, I suppose."
"You suppose? I wouldn't let Ron hear you say that! So you like blondes eh? Ha!
The only really blonde bloke about here is Malfoy!"
"Yeah, I had noticed," Hermione replied dryly.
"Oh my god Hermione, you are blushing! You like Malfoy! Bloody hell!"
"Well he does make me angry to the point I want to punch him, you know to grab
him and shake him."
Harry burst out laughing.
"Hermione that is hilarious!"
Hermione laughed a little but grew quiet suddenly.
"Harry," she said with that warning sound in her voice again.
Harry looked up to see Snape standing right beside them.
"Oh fuck," Harry said through his laughter, which was turning more hysterical.
He felt as though he was losing control, the stress of the past couple of days
bubbling over, and being released in a burst of hysteria.
"Why is it, you think you can flout the rules and be out after curfew? You are
nothing special Potter, regardless of what everyone else tells you, and Miss
Granger, I expected better from you! Potter's lack of respect for the rules has
obviously rubbed off on you."
Harry continued to laugh hysterically as he realised he was becoming aroused by
the closeness of the intimidating figure, who had moved to stand in front of
him, his groin only a metre or so away from his face.
"Potter will you stop that inane laughter. You really are an insufferable,
disrespectful brat, whose arrogance continues to astound me. You obviously
believe you are above everyone else that rules are not meant for you. Well, I
can assure you; you are not!"
"Sorry, it's..." Harry tried to control his hysteria but found he couldn't as
he spluttered out a garbled explanation "it's... just...you...I
mean...Hermione...Malfoy ... makes her...angry..."
"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed indignantly "I am sure Professor Snape doesn't need
to hear how much I dislike one of his students! I am sorry Professor. We didn't
realise it was so late; we will return to our dorms immediately."
Hermione glanced up to see the stern Professor smirk at her with amusement
clear in his eyes before he schooled his face into the usual scowl.
"Take this hysterical fool with you and try to get him to calm down. His
childish antics are really quite irritating," and with that he turned on his
heel in a billow of robes and stalked away, continuing on his night-time check
of the grounds.
"Harry, for Merlin's sake! Will. You. Stop. Laughing!" Hermione battered him
over the head with a book to punctuate each word as she spoke.
"I can't 'mione... It's bloody...hilarious and...sodding typical...he would be
...on patrol...tonight. I...can... feel... my anger...at what he
said...growing!" Harry had tears running down his face by then.
"Really Harry I don't think I need to know what is growing!"
"Oh yeah... no...God I am so fucked up!" Harry said slowly calming down from
his near hysterical outburst. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel a bit
out of control actually."
"Well, I suppose you have been under a lot of stress recently. Stress can make
you act rather strangely, but I am really not amused you told Professor Snape
that Malfoy angers me! I mean, really Harry!"
"Oh shit sorry 'mione. At least Malfoy isn't totally repulsive; he's quite good
looking, I suppose."
"He is a little shit, and you know it, but it doesn't stop me liking him. Just
like Professor Snape can be a right git at times, but that doesn't mean you
can't like him."
"Thanks for trying to make me feel better, but really I don't like Snape all
right."
Hermione gave him a sad look and pulled him to his feet.
Harry had come down from his hysterical outburst quite abruptly, and it left
him feeling rather depressed. They walked back to the castle in silence, both
lost in their own thoughts.
Day 4
0815hrs- Great Hall
Harry sat at the breakfast table thinking about the dreams that had broken his
sleep the previous night. They hadn't been his usual type of nightmares, but
they troubled him just as much, maybe even more so. He had woken up twice
sweating and out of breath and once screaming as he came all over himself,
making him glad his roommates were used to his nighttime screaming and wore
earplugs. He was beginning to worry about his sanity and could not fathom why
Snape turned him on to the point he was having such erotic dreams about him.
His body disgusted him.
"Good Morning Harry," Hermione greeted him as she and Ron sat down.
"You all right mate? It sounded like you had a bad night. Nightmares again?"
Ron asked as he piled his plate full of sausage and egg.
"Ehh yeah, just regular nightmares though. Sorry if I kept you awake." Harry
could feel the heat rise to his face and looked down at his empty plate.
"So did you find out anything interesting about runes, or whatever it was you
were talking about last night? Sorry I was too tired to wait up for you getting
back."
"Yes we found out a lot of interesting facts, didn't we Harry?"
"If you say so 'mione" Harry said rolling his eyes at Ron.
"I'm more interested in who the lucky girl is than ancient runes actually. Are
you gonna tell me who she is Harry?"
Ron nudged him and winked.
"Girl? Oh emm..."
"Ronald Weasley! If Harry wants to share his private life with us, he will tell
us in his own good time. Now will you please stop speaking with your mouth
full? It truly is disgusting."
"You find me disgusting do you? That's nice, being told by your girlfriend you
are disgusting."
"Well there are some things that are disgusting about you Ronald Weasley, but
don't worry, there are plenty of other things that I like."
Hermione looked at Harry with raised eyebrows as she said this, who grunted in
response, giving her a warning look. He could understand her acceptance of his
preference for men but could not for the life of him comprehend why she thought
his physical desire for Snape was all right, that was more disgusting than
Ron's table manners Harry thought as he pushed his breakfast plate away,
thinking it best if he didn't eat this morning.
0905hrs –Potions Classroom
Snape was pacing the front of the potion classroom as usual and looked more
tired and drawn this morning than he usually did.
"The potion we will be working on this morning is unfortunately one that
frequently crops up in the NEWT exam. I say unfortunately, since it is an
extremely volatile and difficult potion to brew. You all have attempted this
potion previously in my class. However, since none of you, apart from a select
few, managed to brew it correctly, I have decided to give you another chance."
Snape flicked his wand at the blackboard behind him and a list of ingredients,
along with detailed instructions appeared, in his neat flowing script.
"Without looking at your books, can anyone tell me what potion this is?"
Hermione raised her hand as usual, but Snape ignored her.
"Mr Potter, surely you of all people must remember this particular potion. If
my memory serves me correctly, the last time you tried to brew it, you sent
half your classmates to the infirmary with 1st degree burns."
"Yes I remember" Harry mumbled not looking up as Snape walked toward him.
"Well? Do enlighten us."
"It's the Draught of Peace Sir."
"It is. Tell me what main ingredient causes the drinker to gain an innermost
emotional balance sufficient enough to understand their desires and to be at
peace with them?"
"Moonstones Sir."
"You surprise me. Maybe you do have something other than Quidditch statistics
in that brain of yours after all. However, I will reserve judgement after you
have drunk the concoction you produce this morning. One tiny mistake can be
disastrous to the drinker, rendering them entirely emotionally unstable or
unconscious, maybe even irrevocably so."
Sniggers went up from the Slytherins, "Won't make much difference then, since
he's a total nutcase anyway," Malfoy sneered.
Harry couldn't care less about what Malfoy said, he was more concerned about
being made to drink something that would, not only reveal his true innermost
desires to himself, but might make him do or say something in front of the
whole class.
"You will each prepare your own brew without assistance from your partner.
Innermost peace can only be truly achieved by understanding yourself and not
taking on another's perceptions. Now collect your ingredients and begin."
Much to Harry's relief Snape totally ignored him for the whole class, allowing
him to focus on what he was doing for once. By the end of the class, Harry
thought he had brewed a perfect Draught of Peace. When everyone was beginning
to put stirring rods down and turn off burners, Snape began handing out empty
vials, instructing them how to bottle their potion safely as he went around the
class. When he came to Harry, he handed him a vial, looked into his cauldron
and sneered.
"Git" he murmured under his breath as the Professor walked away without
commenting.
Snape looked particularly greasy and revolting this morning Harry thought. He
hadn't looked like that last night he remembered, as images of sleek shiny
hair, tied back neatly against perfect pale skin, came to mind. Harry shivered
although he didn't know whether it was in disgust or not.
"You all will bottle your potion and bring it up to me for inspection. However,
much as it may please me to see some of you unconscious for the rest of the
term; it invariably would cause more trouble than any of you are worth.
Therefore, those of you who have managed to brew an acceptable Draught of
Peace, will return to their seat and drink it. I expect a two-foot essay on its
effects first thing tomorrow morning."
Harry carefully bottled his brew, wishing now he had made a mistake with it. At
least he wouldn't now be worried about finding out he really did want Snape. He
should have realised Snape wouldn't actually make them drink something that
would do any permanent harm, and his stomach churned at the thought.
Hermione approached Snape's desk first; Harry noticed that his potion looked
exactly the same as hers and groaned. It was all the confirmation he needed
that he had indeed brewed a perfect Draught of Peace.
Snape looked at Hermione's potion, carefully smelt it, and then handed it back
to her.
"You may wish to drink this somewhere other than here Miss Granger if
your...anger is still at the forefront of your mind" Snape said quietly with an
amused smirk. Hermione took her potion back and pocketed it, her face blazing a
deep shade of red as she returned to her seat.
Harry was gob smacked by the exchange, and looked at Snape questioningly as he
approached his desk. He had never seen the man look quite so amused.
"Well Potter, at least you didn't blow up your cauldron this time" Snape
snatched the vial from Harry's hand. "However, if I were to allow you to drink
this excuse for a potion, it may actually make... you explode."
"But Sir..." Harry couldn't believe he was going to receive a zero mark for his
work, since he knew he had done everything perfectly.
"You really want to drink this..." Snape dropped his voice to barely a whisper
"...here, in front of all your classmates? No. This potion must be discarded
extremely carefully. You have managed to brew something that could prove to be
quite...dangerous. You will give me a four-foot essay on the properties of
Moonstones by tomorrow morning." Snape pocketed the small vial in his
voluminous robes and raised an eyebrow at him as he did so.
Harry was about to protest again, but two things hit him at once, he had
already written an essay on Moonstones last year, and he was sure Snape
wouldn't have forgotten about it, so it wasn't really a punishment. Snape was
probably just as concerned about what he might say under the influence of the
potion, considering his actions over the last couple of nights. Just as he was
about to turn away from the Professor's desk, he saw Snape write acceptable
next to his name on the parchment in front of him. Harry raised his eyebrows in
acknowledgement of his grade.
"Well don't just stand there Potter, unless you are arrogant enough to argue
with me regarding your mark."
"Oh eh no" Harry muttered, as he turned and headed back to his seat.
Only a handful of students had managed to brew a Draught of Peace that was safe
enough to consume. Ron, surprisingly, was one of them. Once class was
dismissed, they all headed out into the corridor, Ron looked particularly
spaced out with a distant expression on his face. It reminded Harry of the time
he had unwittingly consumed a love potion back in 5th year.
"Ah 'mione!" Ron gushed, flinging his arms around her and muttering something
in her ear as he did so.
"Really Ronald! Get off me! That kind of talk is not going to get you
anywhere!" retorted a disgusted looking Hermione as she pushed Ron away and
turned to stalk off. Her progress was halted abruptly however, as she barged
into an equally spaced out looking Malfoy, knocking him to the stone floor.
"Granger! That's one way of getting me on my back; you could have just asked
you know!"
Hermione stepped back and blushed furiously before retreating down the
corridor. Draco watched her go with a smile. His friends, who hadn't taken
their potions, were all laughing, but Draco didn't appear to have made the
comment flippantly, and Harry had to stifle a laugh.
"What the..." Ron started with a furious look in his eye.
"Come on Ron. Just leave it. Let's catch up with 'mione!" Harry dragged his
friend away easily enough. It appeared Ron couldn't stay angry long after the
suggestion of going after Hermione was made, and followed Harry willingly.
Thank God the effects of a Draught of Peace were only for half an hour thought
Harry; he wouldn't be able to cope if it was much longer, and he silently
thanked Snape for not letting either Hermione or himself drink the bloody
stuff. God knows what would have happened if either of them had.
By the time the two boys had almost caught up with their friend, Ron seemed to
be coming out of his potion induced state and looked a little horrified.
"Harry? Oh bloody hell, I think I might have said some things to 'mione I
shouldn't have!"
"Your deepest desires I take it" Harry said laughing a little.
"Oh Merlin, she is going to be totally disgusted with me! Thank god we have a
free period now."
Harry couldn't help laughing at his friend's expression. "Maybe it would be
best you go and hide for a bit then. I will go and speak to her first, see just
how mad she is. Meet you in a bit in the common room all right?"
Ron nodded and headed off toward Gryffindor common room, leaving Harry to run
after his other friend, who he caught up with just as she was entering the
library.
"Hermione! Wait up." Harry grabbed her arm to stop her going into the silent
study area.
"I don't want to talk to you just now Harry. It's all your fault! If you hadn't
blabbered your mouth off to Professor Snape about my joke at being angry
with...you know...I wouldn't now have ideas in my head about him that I wish
weren't there!"
"Oh come on 'mione it's not my fault you have a thing for him!"
"I don't! I mean he's a disgusting lowlife!"
"So why didn't you just drink the potion in class then?"
"That's entirely beside the point! If you hadn't..."
"Do not try to lay this at my door 'mione! Anyway did you see the way he looked
at you when you knocked him over? Looks like the... anger might be mutual!"
Hermione huffed, spun on her heel and stormed into the no talking area of the
library.
1700hr -Great Hall
During dinner, Harry sat on his own, giving his two friends time alone to work
through their argument, which had been raging on at every opportunity since
after the potions class. He sat trying to work out his own inner turmoil, and
went over the defence class he had just come out off in his mind. All in all,
the class had gone fairly well, but it only added to his strange feelings of
repulsion and attraction to Snape. There had been no duelling, since Snape had
decided to give them a better insight into the Unforgivables instead. Although
he did not cast them, as Moody/Grouch had done in his 5th Year, the way Snape
spoke about them, especially the cruciatus, chilled Harry to the bone. The man
sounded as though he loved the curses more than life itself. His voice had
taken on a deep caressing tone that had sent shivers up and down Harry's spine
much to his dismay. He wasn't sure if he was more horrified by his physical
reaction to Snape's voice, or by Snape's apparent attraction to the Dark Arts.
He knew he was in some way attracted to Snape but just couldn't work out why or
how it had happened, he wasn't so stupid that he didn't realise that disgust
and attraction were linked in some way, he probably wouldn't have been able to
make that link a few days ago but he could see it clearly now. If he wasn't
attracted to Snape, he wouldn't be feeling disgusted at himself, although he
wasn't entirely sure if he was more disgusted by Snape or by his feelings for
him. His disgust was a confusing mix of both he realised. Snape wasn't exactly
the perfect man to be dreaming about; he wasn't attractive in the conventional
sense, he wasn't even a particularly nice person but Harry had liked being
held, kissed and touched by him.
1900hrs - Snape's Office
Harry stood yet again outside Snape's office and attempted to push all thoughts
of Snape kissing him out his mind. He really hoped Snape wouldn't ask him to
close his eyes tonight and tell him how he was feeling. If he did, he decided,
he would just have to lie. There was no way he was going to admit feeling
disgust since he would have to explain what he was disgusted about; he may as
well just tell the git he was attracted to him, and he wasn't about to do that.
Harry knocked on the old wooden door with a certain amount of confidence now
that he had decided to lie about his feelings. His knock went unanswered.
Trying the handle a moment later he found it unlocked. Stepping inside the
empty office his eyes fell immediately to a single piece of parchment sitting
in the middle of the large desk.
"Oh shit" Harry muttered as a rush of desire, excitement and disgust raged
through him. One part of his mind desperately hoped that the note was
cancelling his detention, the other, hoped that it was another invitation to
the man's private quarters.
He slowly approached the desk and picked up the parchment, the familiar hand-
written script appearing as he did so.
Mr Potter
I have been held up in a staff meeting; however, this does not excuse you from
your detention. The wards on my quarters have been altered and will allow you
access. You are to wait there until my return. Do not abuse this trust.
S.S
Harry stared at the note for a few moments. Snape trusted him in his private
rooms alone. It was the second time that day the man had surprised him. The
first had been the way he had seemed to care enough about Hermione's feelings
to excuse her from drinking her Draught of Peace in front of Malfoy, that had
been very unSnape like, and now this. Snape trusted no-one. Remembering
Hermione had found the note from the previous night, he pocketed it and headed
toward the door separating the Potion Master's office from his living quarters.
The door opened slowly, without Harry having to knock or utter a word. He
slipped inside, the door closing gently behind him as he did so, followed by an
audible crackle as wards were reset.
"Welcome my Sslytherin sssspeaker. My Masster has insssstructed me to tell you
to make yoursssself at home. You are truly honoured to be allowed in here
alone, you musssst be a trusssstworthy and loyal Sssslyerthin."
"I am not a Ssssslytherin. Pleassse sstop calling me one," Harry hissed back.
"I mussst insssit. You may wear the mark of Gryffindor and in your heart you
may believe you are one but where it matterssssss mossssst you are indeed a
Sssslytherin my friend. You mussst accept thisssss to truly accept who you are.
You have allowed your heart to rule your head for too long."
Harry stood wondering what the snake meant, as memories of his sorting ceremony
flooded back. Was he really more Slytherin than he wanted to believe? He
couldn't begin to consider that to be true. It went against everything he
thought he believed in. Harry was so lost in thought, he didn't hear the door
behind him open, and jumped slightly when Snape whispered in his ear.
"Talking to my familiar again Potter? What has he said to make you look so
shocked?"
"Oh nothing. Just welcoming me to your quarter's Sir. He really is a beautiful
old snake."
"Beautiful he is and as old as Hogwarts itself. He has been handed down to the
head of Slytherin since he first came here as Salazar's familiar all these
years ago."
"He...He was Salazar Slytherins snake?"
Snape nodded briefly. "Some say he holds all the memories and knowledge of the
founder himself."
"But he says I am a more a Slytherin than a Gryffindor!" Harry blurted out in
shock that it was the Slytherin founder's snake who insisted he was a
Slytherin.
"Ha!" Snape sneered "Does he really? Well, that would be a headline stealer
'Sorting Hat makes mistake – Gryffindor Golden Boy is really a Slytherin!'"
Harry scowled at the reference to the sorting hat.
"I did not ask you to come here to entertain Syrus, however. The headmaster
wants you to learn the skill of Occlumency, not perfect your Parseltongue."
Snape removed his outer robe and gestured for Harry to follow him into his
sitting room, dismissing the topic of houses, much to Harry's relief.
"Sit." Snape indicated to the leather sofa they had both occupied the previous
evening with a nod of his head.
Once Harry sat, Snape lit the fire and stood with his back to him for a few
moments watching the flames dance in the hearth. Harry shifted uncomfortably in
his seat, a dread filling him about what might happen tonight. He desperately
wanted to close off his feelings of attraction, to push away the increasing
desire for Snape to sit next to him and hold him, to touch him. He was still
disgusted at himself for wanting these things from a man who embodied
everything he was repulsed by.
"Are you uncomfortable?" Snape asked eventually without turning to face Harry.
Harry stopped his fidgeting "No, I am fine Sir" Harry lied.
"If you are sure, then we will begin."Sit back and close your eyes."
Harry wanted to tell Snape that he didn't want to continue this game he was
playing, that he already understood what it was he was trying to teach him,
that there was no need to close his eyes. Instead, he complied, thinking it
would be better if he didn't protest.
"What are you feeling tonight Harry?"
The use of his first name so soon, in this now familiar routine, startled Harry
and made his stomach flip over at the sound of it. It had been spoken with the
deep soft tone that Harry, had only that day, thought sounded caressing.
"I don't feel anything much tonight Sir."
"Nothing at all? Are you sure?"
"I am tired I suppose and would like us to move these lessons on toward actual
Occlumency. That is what they are meant to be for after all."
"You are frustrated at my teaching methods?
"Eh no nothing like that. I don't really feel anything."
"Open your eyes."
Snape had turned around and was looking at Harry intently.
"So you feel nothing. No anger, no anxiety or fear, not even a hint of
confusion?"
"That's right. I feel nothing."
"Interesting. How about desire or excitement?"
"No! Nothing like that either," Harry said with a little more strain in his
voice than he had intended.
"You have accepted who you are then? Fully accepted it?"
"Yes, I have little choice really."
"So why do you sound a little...perturbed by my asking about desire and
excitement?"
"My sexual preferences are private."
"They are not private to me, not whilst I try to teach you control. Does that
make you feel uncomfortable?"
"I have already told you, I don't feel uncomfortable. I see where you are going
with this Professor, but really, there is no need. I accept that I am gay, that
I prefer men, but this is something I need to work through myself. It's not
something I need to discuss with you."
"So you think you have an understanding of all your emotions, that you can
control them, that you can shut your mind down to any strong emotive memory
that may make your mind weak?"
"I don't know until we test it out, but yes I think I understand what it is you
have been trying to teach me."
"Very well. We will test just how in control you are. Prepare yourself," Snape
said drawing his wand suddenly.
Harry tensed and tried to empty his mind.
"Legilimens,"
The spell slammed into him. Snape was in his mind as easily as he had ever
been. Memories of kissing Snape that morning in the Potions classroom flashed
through his mind, and Harry struggled to close down his thoughts and push Snape
out. He really didn't want him to know how good being in his arms had made him
feel. The memory moved on, he was now sitting by the lake with Hermione, she
was telling him how she thought Snape was sexy. Harry growled. His desire to
keep his conversations with his friends private motivated him to push Snape
out.
"You...you must promise to... keep that to yourself. Invading my privacy is one
thing, but my friends have a right to have their confidences kept private,"
Harry stammered after pushing Snape from his mind.
"However amusing I might find it, I honestly have no interest in Miss
Granger's, or any other witch's, sentiments regarding me. I am sure you must
realise this."
"Yeah, but it's not fair to have our conversation overheard in this way. What
she said isn't what it sounded like anyway. It was out of context."
"Of course it is not fair! Having your mind invaded isn't fair! Do you think
the Dark Lord gives a damn about what is fair?" Snape was sneering at him, and
the familiar anger shone in his eyes.
Harry slumped further into the sofa.
Snape sighed and put his wand away.
"You are obviously not ready for this yet. There are clearly still some
emotions you do not fully understand. Indeed, I would have been surprised if
you had managed to work them all out yourself. There is more to human emotion
than anger, fear, desire and excitement."
"Yeah I know. I am not stupid, even if I am an overemotional reckless fool."
"No Harry, you are just a normal young man."
"Normal? Ha!"
"Ah we are back to this again. So you haven't truly accepted who or what you
are."
"Accepting who I am and thinking I am normal are two very different things!"
"Is it?" Snape asked quietly in contrast to Harry raised voice.
"Of course it is! I mean you obviously accept who you are, but you can't tell
me, you think you are normal!"
Snape sat down beside Harry.
"What you see or think you understand about me, may, in reality, be very
different from what I actually am. You of all people should understand that
more than anyone. However, what I am, is really none of your business. I am not
concerned about whether you think I am normal or not. What is important is that
my life is normal to me. If you cannot find normality in yourself, you will
never find any sense of peace."
Snape paused, stood abruptly and walked back to the fireplace seemingly lost in
thought. Harry wanted to understand what Snape was trying to tell him. It made
sense in a way, but how could he ever think he was normal - he wasn't, and
nothing would be able to convince him otherwise.
"Let me try to explain. True acceptance of who you are, requires you to see
yourself as normal, regardless if it doesn't quite fit another person's view of
normalcy, it must be yours. However, even true acceptance is not always enough
to be at peace with your life. You can accept something to be true even if you
despise it, allowing it to overcome you with bitterness and anger. If you allow
this to continue, you will never have control over your life or find any peace.
On the other hand, you can try letting go of these negative emotions, since you
cannot change the past or the truth that is your life, but you can change your
attitude and reaction to it. It is a common process when grieving something you
feel you have lost. In relation to what we are discussing, you have lost what
you consider to be a normal life - a life that conforms to the social norms.
You must accept your life for what it is, make it your norm, try to be at peace
with it, and not harbour any anger or bitterness about what life has given
you."
"How can I ever think I am normal when everyone has always gone out of their
way to tell me I am not? It's difficult to feel ok about being me when all I
have ever heard is that I am a freak, that I am not normal. I can accept that I
am not normal, but I will never find peace in that fact."
Snape growled in frustration.
"That is exactly my point. You accept you are not normal, do you not see there
is something intrinsically wrong with that statement, have you not heard a word
I have said?"
"I heard you, but nothing will ever make me feel as if I am normal, how could
it. Even you said I wasn't normal the other night."
"I never said you were not normal. I said you were different. We are all
different, in one way or another, and yes there are certain things that have
made you stand out a little more perhaps than the average wizard, but your life
should at least be normal to you, which is my point."
"So do you think your life is normal? That being a Death Eater is normal? That
doing what that madman wants, is normal?"
"I am not a Death Eater. I have not been for a very long time, as well you
know, so please do not call me one. As far as what I have to do I have already
told you, my life is normal to me. However, it does not define who I am any
more than your scar or name defines you."
Harry hung his head. Snape was right; he should not have called him a Death
Eater. He knew the man risked his life for the Order more than anyone should
have to, and he did not deserve to be told he was not normal because of it.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."
"I am not offended. Why would I be? I do not care what people think of me. I
know who I am and accept my role in life. I have to try to make my peace with
it every day. I am not saying finding peace is always easy. Sometimes
bitterness and anger are much easier to find, but you must try if you are ever
going to understand and control your emotions."
"I... I kind of see what you mean. I accept my role in this war, it is normal
to me, but how can I be at peace with it? It doesn't make me happy, in fact, it
depresses me."
"Being at peace with something does not necessarily mean it will bring
happiness. Do you think it makes me happy to go to the Dark Lords side every
time he calls? Of course it doesn't. Why would that mean I cannot find peace in
doing so? Peace and happiness are not synonymous. "
Harry growled and put his head in his hands. He understood what Snape was
trying to tell him but it was all just too much to take on board. He would have
to rethink his whole way of perceiving his life, his entire way of being. Snape
understood him more than anyone ever had Harry realised. More than he
understood himself, and he understood Snape more than he ever thought he would.
Snape was bitter and angry most of the time, struggling to find peace with his
role in life daily. Harry could clearly see that now.
A slight movement of the sofa made Harry aware that Snape had sat down beside
him, but he didn't move and kept his face covered with his hands. His breath
hitched slightly as he was overcome with a desire to be held, to be held tight
in Snape's arms. He needed the physical closeness of someone who understood
what he was going through. As though Snape had read his mind, although he knew
he hadn't, a strong arm snaked around his waist and pulled him closer. Harry
dropped his hands away from his face and turned to look at the man beside him.
Their eyes met in mutual understanding for what felt like an eternity. Harry's
heart was pounding. He felt an acceptance and peace wash over him that he had
never experienced before, and he didn't know whether it was coming from being
with someone who understood him, or from finally understanding himself a little
better. The next thing he knew he was on Snape's lap being kissed passionately.
He wasn't sure how he had got there, whether he had yet again flung himself at
him or whether Snape had pulled him onto his lap, but Harry didn't care. He
wanted this more than anything right now, and he could not understand why he
had ever thought being with him was disgusting. Harry returned the kiss with
equal passion but wanted more. He wanted to rid the man of his high collared
robe and shirt, and to kiss the pale smooth skin of the neck he had seen the
previous night. His hands came up and started unbuttoning Snape's robes without
breaking the kiss. Snape didn't try to stop him; instead, he pulled Harry's t-
shirt out his jeans and ran his hands under the material. He caressed his
abdomen and chest in gentle but firm strokes, and his thumbs rubbed over his
nipples as they went making Harry gasp into Snape's warm mouth. Small shocks of
electricity ran down to his groin making him aware of how tight and restrictive
his jeans were against his now painfully hard cock. He had managed to undo a
few of the many buttons of Snape's shirt and robe but was growing frustrated at
the slow progress. Breaking the kiss momentarily, he growled, "Too many
buttons, I need..."
Snape captured Harry's mouth again, cutting off his plea, but he removed his
hands from his under Harry's t-shirt, drew his wand in one quick motion, and
wordlessly cast a spell that undid all the buttons on his robe and shirt. Harry
broke the kiss again, sat back further on Snape's lap, and pushed the material
of the thick black robe and crisp white shirt aside. His heart rate increased
further, and his cock twitched at the sight of the toned muscles Snape hid
under his voluminous robes.
"Oh God," Harry said breathlessly as he ran his hands over the porcelain white
skin before him and leant down to kiss and lick the hard nubs that were Snape's
nipples. He felt Snape tense as a small quiet groan escaped the normally stoic
man's lips.
"Harry?" Snape sounded as breathless as Harry felt but with a deeper rougher
tone than Harry had ever heard the man use.
Harry ignored the questioning element to the way Snape had said his name and
continued to kiss his way back up to Snape's welcoming mouth.
A few minutes later Snape broke the kiss and placed his hands on Harry's chest,
holding him back slightly with a questioning look now clear in his eyes.
"Snape...god... don't stop this."Harry pleaded.
Snape continued to look at him as though he was trying to work something out.
"Please, I want you," Harry's voice was rough with arousal.
His words seemed to break something in Snape, who launched forward and kissed
Harry with such passion that Harry could hardly breathe. Large strong hands
gripped his arse and held him up as Snape stood. Harry wrapped his legs around
Snape's hips, so that his cock pressed against his hard abdomen as he was
carried back through the entrance hallway, and past Syrus, who hissed something
as they went. But Harry wasn't listening to the snake; he was too intent on
exploring Snape's neck with his tongue and mouth, and enjoying the feeling of
the rapid rise and fall of the man's chest against his as he panted heavily.
Harry was lowered onto a soft cool surface; the weight of Snape's body coming
to rest on top of him in one movement. Hands were back under his t-shirt
briefly before he felt it being tugged upward. Snape knelt up between his legs,
but since Harry still had his arms around the man's neck he sat up with him
before having to let go to allow for his t-shirt to be pulled over his head.
Once free of his t-shirt, Harry pulled at Snape's robes and shirt helping him
remove them entirely. Snape pushed Harry gently back onto a large bed which
Harry presumed to be Snape's, but he didn't really care where they were at this
moment, as long as what they were doing didn't stop. Snape remained kneeling
between his legs looking at him with a burning desire that Harry thought might
consume him. His hands were still on his chest from when he had pushed him back
and they started massaging his muscles and running them over ribs and abdomen.
Harry reached up and ran his hands down Snape's chest and when they reached the
waistband of his trousers he quickly undid the top button. Snape's massaging
motion stilled, his breath hitched, and his muscles tensed. Harry looked up
from where he was gazing at the obvious evidence that Snape was as equally
aroused as he was, and met dark eyes clouded with desire.
"Harry... I... I don't know if this is such a good idea. Are you sure this is
what you want?" Snape's voice was raspy, as if it had taken every last ounce of
control he had to speak.
"Does it look like I don't want this?" Harry thrust his hips up; the material
covering his cock was taut and straining. "Don't you dare back away from me now
you Git!"
Snape half snorted, half growled at Harry calling him a git, but leant back
down and resumed kissing him although a bit less passionately than previously.
It was as though he was over thinking what he was doing, trying to slow things
down, and control it.
"Stop trying to control everything Snape. Fuck. You are infuriating!" Harry
gasped out when Snape broke away from Harry's mouth to trail his tongue down to
his neck.
Snape sat back up on his knees again. "Harry, I think you may call me Severus,
don't you think it is a little better than Snape or Git, considering?"
"I don't care what I call you. Just stop trying to slow this down! God Severus,
can you just for once let yourself relax a little!"
"Oh I am relaxed Harry, but I am not 17. There are some things in life worth
stopping and thinking about or at least trying to take your time over before
plunging in head first."
Harry grunted in frustration, thrusting his hips up at the man again.
"Too painful to go slowly!"
Severus let out a choked sounding laugh but brought his hand down to Harry's
waistband and slowly undid the button and zip.
"You're a fucking tease!" Harry said between involuntary thrusts of his hips.
The sensation the slow movement the zip made as it was pulled down over his
cock driving him crazy.
"I am not teasing, just trying to give you enough time to be utterly sure of
what you are doing."
Harry started to lift his hips and pull at his trousers with every intention of
removing them, but Severus slapped his hands away before ghosting a hand over
the fabric of his boxers beneath, ever so slightly palming his hard length.
Harry lifted his hips off the bed again seeking more pressure against his cock
from Severus' hand, but he snatched the hand away at the movement, rocked
backwards and sat on his heels.
"So Harry. Have you accepted that you prefer men?"
"What the fuck kind of question is that? Is that not fucking obvious?" Harry
spat out, sitting up, legs still apart since Snape was kneeling between them.
"Yes maybe it is, but are you at peace with what it is you currently desire?"
"Please don't turn this into a lesson, Snape."
"I need to know, before we take this any further Harry."
"I want you, is that not all that matters?"
"You want me? Do you really? How will you feel about this in the morning if I
take your virginity tonight?"
"I don't know how I will feel, but I want you now! Is that not enough?"
"No it isn't. I need to know you are at peace with this."
"Fuck Snape don't do this to me! Is this just a game to you? It is, isn't it?
"Of course it is not a game, but unless you can tell me that you are completely
at peace with being with me, then this has to stop."
"Oh I get it! This is just another fucking lesson in control! You are trying to
show me how impulsive and reckless I am! How out of control I can become!"
Harry pushed himself up, jumped off the bed and grabbed his discarded t-shirt.
Snape reached out and grabbed Harry's arm, trying to stop him from leaving.
"Potter, if you leave now you are being reckless and impulsive, but I need to
hear the truth about what you have been feeling today. I know you were lying to
me earlier about feeling nothing."
Harry thought the man was sneering at him, and his stomach tightened.
"Get your filthy, greasy, hands off me, you git! You want to know what I have
been feeling? All right, I will tell you. All day, I have been disgusted at
myself for wanting you, but now I am totally repulsed by you. You are the
cruellest, sickest, most sadistic bastard I have ever met, and I fucking hate
you!"
Snape let go of Harry's arm and a sad smile fleeted over his face as he watched
him leave.
A/N Ok Don't hate me too much! But I had to leave it here. Sorry it has taken
me so long to get this chapter up. Things have been a little crazy for me
recently and it did turn out way longer than I had planned for half the whole
story to be!
Thanks to everyone who is reading this. Especially my reviewers! Please keep
reviewing if you are still reading! They mean so much to me! LHx
***** Hate *****
Warnings: All the usual – male/male sexual content, strong language.
Chapter 6 – Hate
Day 4 Continued
2030hrs Gryffindor Tower
Harry stormed out of Snape's bedroom, vaguely aware of Syrus hissing as he past
through the bright foyer. Glittering whites and greens now seemed incongruous
in relation to the dark mood pulling at his soul. He wanted to scream, to punch
something, to hurt someone, to hurt Snape. Emotions consumed him, blacking out
all rational thought. The intensity of it made his body shake, his gut clench,
and his mind close down.
Harry had no recollection of the walk to Gryffindor Tower, and as soon as he
arrived he wanted to turn on his heel, and head back to where he had just come
from. He wanted to kill the greasy git that had caused the feelings surging
through him. Struggling to remain in control, he stormed through the cosy room
that was the Gryffindor Common Room, and ignored the calls from his friends to
join them in front of the fire. He walked past a group of younger students, who
were sitting round a small study table playing exploding snap, and heard
worried gasps and comments about how upset and angry he looked. Scowling, he
increased his pace, and practically ran up the stairs to escape hearing any
further comments. No doubt they were remembering the last time he had displayed
such outward emotion, Harry realised. That had been a couple of years ago after
the TriWizard tournament, when he had released an uncontrolled burst of magic
that wrecked the Gryffindor Boys dorm. Indeed, what he felt now was similar to
that fateful night. He felt used, manipulated, weak, ashamed, and disgusted,
along with an intense loathing that scared him. What was even more disturbing
was the deep yearning desire he felt to be still in Snape's bed, to feel the
weight of the man's body press against him, to be held by strong embracing
arms, to feel warm lips on his. The desire made the intensity of all the
negative emotions seem much worse somehow than they had two years ago.
Pulling the deep red drapes that surrounded his bed back, he sat on the edge of
his bed, clenched his fists into tight balls, and rocked back and forward in an
attempt to control the build of magic growing in his chest. It was a rhythmic
motion in time to his aching heart. The movement caused the air around him to
move and wafted a smell that was a combination of Potions, sweat and sexual
arousal to his keening senses. It was not just his own arousal but a mixture of
his and the man whose arms he desperately wanted to be still wrapped in, the
man who he never wanted to see again. It was an intoxicating scent that made
Harry moan, and it did nothing to calm the hardness in his trousers or the
coldness slowly creeping into his heart. Harry didn't know how long he sat like
this, but he didn't hear the soft click of the dormitory door as it opened, or
the slow hesitant footfalls approaching him. He only became aware he was no
longer on his own when a gentle hand started rubbing comforting circles on his
back, stilling his incessant motion.
"Harry, let's get you out of here," whispered Hermione as she pushed strands of
damp sweat soaked hair out his face. The tone of her voice was tight and
betrayed a concern tinged with fear. Harry, ignoring her, resumed his rocking,
albeit to a slower pace, and tried to slow his heart, deepen his breathing, and
will away his obvious arousal. A moment later he felt his friend cast a quick
healing charm on his hands. A pain, he hadn't registered was there,
disappeared. He had obviously punched something hard, and he hoped it had been
Snape's face. However, as soon as he thought of Snape's face, an image of deep
black eyes, burning with desire, flashed in his mind and his cock twitched back
to full life again.
"Oh God," Harry growled at the unwelcome sensation.
"Come on Harry, you either need to calm down or we need to get you away from
the castle. You are scaring me a little. I can feel your magic build, you must
control it."
"I am controlling it Hermione. Leave me alone. I'm fine." Harry hissed out
through his clenched teeth.
"You are not fine. Let's go for a walk. Talking something through can help.
Please let me try to help you," Hermione pleaded.
"You obviously think I am in danger of destroying Gryffindor Tower or
something! I am not a child anymore, I am an adult Wizard, and I do have full
control of my magic," Harry spat out hatefully.
Hermione maintained her composed outward image the only telltale sign of her
discomfort at Harry's tone was a slight tensing of the muscles in her back and
the stilling of her hand on his back.
"I know you are an adult, but we can all be pushed to a point where we could
lose control. You are a very powerful Harry, and it is dangerous for you to get
this worked up. It does not mean I think you are lacking in control, or are a
child. However, you being in the tower, in this state, has frightened some of
the younger students. They have only heard the exaggerated stories about how
powerful and raw you magic can be when you are angry. So for their sake, if not
for your own, please just come for a walk."
"Fine." Harry growled, grabbing his jacket as he started toward the door.
"Harry?" Hermione said quietly as his hand fell on the doorknob.
"What?"
Hermione grimaced at the sharp retort, but fluttered her fingers over her mouth
as she did so, and pointedly dropped her gaze to Harry's lips.
"Oh fuck!" he muttered under his breath when he realised his lips were swollen
and numb. Hermione whispered another incantation. A charm to reduce swelling
Harry realised as a tingle ran over his red abused mouth. His tongue flicked
out unconsciously and tasted Snape as it did so. It was an intoxicating flavour
of peppermint, vanilla and sandalwood, and his arousal and hatred increased, as
if they were joined, at the taste. How could he have wanted Snape? How could he
have kissed him and gotten so aroused by him that he had almost let the bastard
fuck him? How could he still want him? He really did still want him Harry
admitted to himself as an anguished sob escaped him. Snapping his eyes open, in
an attempt to ward off the memory of soft lips pressing against his, he scowled
at Hermione, turned on his heel and stalked from the room.
Crossing the common room moments later, Harry became acutely aware of the
silence that had fallen in the normally noisy room. The only sound was a gentle
crackle of wood burning in the large stone fireplace. Glancing at the familiar
faces of his housemates, he saw flickers of fear dance through their eyes as
they met his. Dropping his gaze, Harry focused on moving his feet forward and
leaving the common room as quickly as he could. He did not want to see any more
evidence of the fear he caused. How had he become someone who could cause such
fear? He didn't want people to be afraid of him, and it saddened him that he
was capable of harbouring such negative destructive emotions. He wasn't the
person he wanted to be. He hated what he had become – of what Snape had made
him.
2100hrs – The Grounds of Hogwarts
Harry slammed his way out into the corridor and made his way toward the loch,
his gait was stumbling and rigid. Other students moved out of his way as he
went, gaping after him, and whispering once he had past. The stress of holding
back his magic was starting to tell, and by the time he got to the loch's
embankment his whole body was vibrating. He needed to destroy something. He
hoped that if he released his magic in a controlled way it would help dispel
the tension.
Pointing his wand at a nearby boulder he shouted, "Reductio." The boulder
instantly disintegrated with a loud bang leaving only a shifting pile of sand
in its place. Spinning round he set about reducing more rocks to dust, but the
venting of small bursts of magic did nothing to appease the building tension he
felt. In fact, it only seemed to increase it. Spell after destructive spell was
cast wordlessly since his jaw was now clenched so tight he could not open it to
speak. Piles of sand littered the once rocky shore, and were interspersed with
small craters in the ground where he had missed his intended target.
"Harry! Please stop!" Hermione screamed.
Harry turned erratically and pointed his wand in Hermione's direction. Her
brown eyes widened in fear and she froze. Her fingers twitching near her wand
pocket the only movement in her tense body. Harry hated Snape more in that
moment than he thought was possible, he had turned him into someone who even
his friends feared.
A pain shot through his scar the moment the cause of his hate entered his
thoughts. It was a pain so severe he dropped his wand and fell to the ground
clutching his head. Images of sitting in the potions classroom as a small 11
year old child flashed though his mind. It was the first potions class he had
ever had. Snape was sneering at him, telling him, he was nothing special. The
memory faded and was replaced by one of Snape sitting behind his desk hissing
at him about how stupid and reckless he had been as he read from the Prophet.
That had been the time he and Ron had flown to school in the enchanted Ford
Anglia. The memory quickly moved on again. This time he was slightly older, but
was still in Snape's office, and the Professor was telling him that he was a
spoilt, arrogant, selfish brat, that he was exactly like his father, and how he
must think he was better than anyone else. The memory was the from his 3rd year
after he had sneaked into Hogsmead without permission, but it too faded only to
be replaced by the memory of a fight he had with Malfoy in his 4th year, but
this memory didn't finish. The intrusion into his mind abruptly ended, and the
pain in his head receded. He knew, however, that it had been another memory
that had ended with the Potions Master reminding him how arrogant and stupid he
was.
Harry lay unmoving where he had fallen, trying to pull in air in shuddering
gasps; he had obviously held his breath through the pain and his lungs burned.
He realised that all these awful memories where he had thought he had truly
despised Snape, was nothing compared to how he felt now. Something deep within
him clicked into place. It hadn't been hatred he had felt for Snape back then,
it was a desire for the man to like him. He had always been saddened and
confused by the Professor's obvious hatred of him. It had upset him that he
could cause such loathing in someone who did not know him. This knowledge only
served to remind Harry what a stupid freak he was. How could he have wanted to
be accepted by an evil git like Snape? None of that changed the present though
Harry thought. He hated Snape now all right, but it was tempered by an equal
loathing of himself. He hated himself for allowing Snape to get to him, for
being so desperate for affection that he had ended up in the position of being
rejected from the man's bed of all places. Snape knew he longed to have someone
who would care for him, to be accepted. Indeed, he had mocked his unquestioning
love for Sirius a few years ago by saying he must be desperate for affection to
accept an offer of family from a man he didn't know, from a madman who had just
escaped Azkaban.
Harry realised now that Snape had been correct. Not that his love had been
misplaced when he gave it to Sirius, but he had given it unreservedly before he
knew the man. A man who everyone thought was a murderer - a man who had only
escaped prison to kill him, to finish off the job he had started, the job he
had accepted from Voldemort.
Snape obviously wanted to teach me a lesson. Teach me that I give my affection
away too easily. Make me see how my need for love and affection has made me
weak and impulsive. How dare he use ... Harry's thoughts were abruptly cut off
as he heard quiet voices close to where he lay.
"Miss Granger, help me get Potter back to the castle."
Harry snapped open his eyes when he recognised Snape's quiet but none the less
commanding voice, and jumped to his feet, grabbed his wand, and pointed it
directly at Snape in one fluid movement.
"Don't come anywhere near me, you sick fuck," Harry spat out.
"Harry!" Hermione admonished "We only want to help you!"
"You are as fucked up as I am if you believe this git has ever wanted to help
me!"
Harry could feel his anger and hatred fill him. Along with it, the tightly
wound ball of raw magical power, made its presence known again. The very air
surrounding him seemed to crackle.
Snape drew his wand, quickly flicking it at Hermione as he did so, and a
protective shield shimmered into existence around her. Snape moved forward and
stood between Harry and his friend creating a further barrier between them.
"Come on Potter do your worst!" Snape sneered as he slowly advanced on him.
"Professor Snape! Harry! No!" Hermione lunged forward in an attempt to come
between the two wizards, who currently looked as though they were squaring up
for a duel. Snape grabbed her roughly and threw her to the ground behind him.
"Get back, you stupid girl!" Snape growled without taking his eyes of Harry,
who let out a blood curdling scream at seeing his friend mistreated in this
manner. The tightly wound ball in Harry's chest doubled in size rapidly, and
exploded outward in an immense rush, as his control snapped. Harry was only
dimly aware of an incredible force leaving his body before blackness overtook
his conscious mind. His crumpled body hit the ground a second later with the
sound of Hermione's screams ringing in his ears.
Day 8
0830hrs - The Infirmary
Harry woke slowly with every muscle in his body aching. He tried to open his
eyes but the light was too bright and it seared through his head like a knife.
Groaning in pain, he snapped them shut again.
"Harry, are you awake?" The concerned voice of his friend reached him.
"Uhh...my head," Harry said thickly. His tongue felt swollen, and his throat
was raw.
"Madame Pomfrey! Harry is awake!" Hermione squealed making Harry flinch at the
noise.
So I'm in the Infirmary he thought as he tried to gather together any memories
that might tell him why he was here, but they fleeted just out of reach. He
heard the familiar rustling of the starched white robes of the mediwitch as she
approached his bed.
"Mr Potter?" A cool hand touched his brow, but it did nothing to ease the
pounding pain.
"My head..." he managed to get out before sitting up abruptly and retching. The
severity of the pain made his stomach churn.
"Drink this and do try to keep it down. You are suffering from a magically
induced migraine from the reckless release of all your magic in one burst. I
would have thought you would have managed to control that temper of yours by
now Mr. Potter. You are lucky you didn't turn your brain to mush."
Harry had no idea what the Mediwitch was talking about, but he didn't care at
the moment. He just wanted the sick pain to go away, so he opened his dry lips
willingly when a cold potion vial was pressed against them and drank the
disgusting gloop in one go. His stomach lurched as it went down, but he
breathed slowly through his nose trying desperately not to retch again.
Thankfully, the potion worked quickly and the pain began to lessen almost
immediately.
"What happened 'mione? Why am I here?" Harry asked with his eyes still firmly
closed since he was afraid of the pain returning shoud he open them.
"Shh, we can talk about it later. You need to rest."
"Hermione," Harry ground out slowly in a tone that held a clear warning that he
wanted her to tell him now.
"Now is not the best time to discuss what happened. I need to get to class, and
you really do need to rest."
Harry opened his eyes cautiously at the nervous sound in Hermione's voice.
"Just tell me Hermione. I can't seem to remember what ..."
Images of lying half naked in a cool bed with Snape lying shirtless between his
legs slammed to the forefront of his mind, cutting off his demand.
"Oh fuck." Harry closed his eyes again as he remembered thrusting his hard cock
in to Snape's hand, begging him to release his aching member, begging him not
to stop.
"Mr. Potter! There is no need for language like that. If you continue to speak
that way, I will refuse to treat you any further," Madam Pomfrey admonished.
Harry groaned "I'm sorry," he whispered. The Mediwitch scowled and huffed as
she moved away from his bed.
"I know what happened, Harry. I...I spoke with Professor Snape. He told me..."
Hermione paused stuttering nervously.
"He told you what? He told you what he did, did he? What... I did..." Harry
remembered that he had wanted Snape, that he had been the one that had almost
begged to be fucked, that he had pushed for more than a kiss. Even knowing this
Harry could not let go of the hate he felt toward the man. Snape should have
never let things get to that point. It had been sadistic and cruel to use sex
as a means to teach him a lesson in control. The Greasy Git truly was a sick
bastard.
"Well, he didn't tell me exactly what happened, but I could guess from what he
did say." Hermione blushed and hung her head.
"What exactly did he tell you," Harry hissed through gritted teeth.
"I don't think we should talk about this here Harry," Hermione said glancing
round.
Harry reached over to the bedside table where Madam Pomfrey usually put a
patient's wand when they were in bed sick, but his wand wasn't there.
"Where's my wand?" Harry asked a little alarmed, feeling vulnerable. He never
went anywhere without it.
"Oh Professor Snape has it. He thought it best he kept it until you could talk
with him about what happened."
Harry growled.
"How dare that bastard take my wand, he has no right!" Harry turned back to his
friend with anger flashing in his bright green eyes.
"Cast a silencing charm Hermione. You are going to tell me what happened, and
what exactly that git told you," Harry demanded, feeling his emotions spiral
again.
Hermione sighed in exasperation, but cast the charm as requested. She knew
better than to provoke Harry, since he didn't always need a wand to wreak havoc
when he got this upset.
"Try to stay calm, Harry. Professor Snape didn't tell me much really, but
because you had already told me what had happened between you the previous few
nights, I kind of put two and two together. He...he really didn't say an awful
lot...well actually he did... but not a lot of if made any sense...I doubt he
even remembers speaking to me."
"Stop talking in bloody riddles Hermione. What. Did. He. Tell. You?"
Hermione took a deep breath.
"He only said that it was his fault you were so distressed, that he had taken
things a bit too far before he managed to control himself. He was really upset
Harry."
"Upset! He was upset? Ha! Upset my arse! That man doesn't know what it is to be
upset, he isn't capable of feeling anything but maybe a vindictive loathing for
me! As for taking things too far, too fucking right he took things too far! He
intentionally went out his way to humiliate me!"
"I don't think that was his intention Harry. He really did seem quite
distressed."
"Yeah right! Of course it was his intention to hurt and humiliate me! It has
been his sole goal in life since I came here! I am sure whatever made you think
he was distressed was just a cover up at his amusement at getting me to
practically beg him to fuck me!"
Hermione gasped "Oh Harry! I...I...Merlin... I'm sorry...I didn't realise
things had gone that far!"
"What the hell do you think got me into this bloody state? A few kisses? Ha!"
Harry growled and hung his head at Hermione's shocked expression.
"Look I don't want to talk about this. Didn't you say you had a class to go to,
in fact, shouldn't you be in Potions or are you so chummy with Snape now that
he will let you skip his class?" Harry was seething, and since talking to
Hermione wasn't helping he just wanted to be alone.
"Potions started 10 minutes ago Harry, and no I am not chummy with Professor
Snape. I am sure I will get the mandatory detention for missing his class, but
this is more important. You are more important."
Harry huffed, deflating a little with the genuine care and concern in his
friend voice and eyes.
"Look, all I know is that Professor Snape was genuinely upset, and he wasn't
pretending. He couldn't have been. He was under the influence of a rather
strong concoction of pain killers at the time. Madame Pomfrey made me leave
when she realised he was becoming distressed, and was telling me things. She
said that it was an invasion of his privacy, since the potions would make him
say things he might not otherwise reveal."
"What? Why would he be under the influence of strong potions? And why were you
with him?"
"Do you not remember anything about what happened a few nights ago?"
"A few nights ago?"
"Oh...you have been unconscious for 3 days Harry. It's Monday morning. You
pretty much drained your magical core. Madame Pomfrey has kept you asleep since
Thursday night saying that if you woke up and tried to use magic too soon it
might cause irrevocable damage to your core."
Fleeting memories of being down at the loch and throwing reductio at anything
he saw flashed before him and he took a deep breath.
"What did I do Hermione? I...I don't remember much after leaving the dungeons."
Harry's anger and hatred deflated some more and was replaced with a sick
feeling he always got after he lost control.
"Well you were really worked up. I think you tried hard to reign in an
uncontrollable build of magic but you didn't quite manage it. I think you might
have though, if I had not gone and got Professor Snape to help me calm you
down." Hermione grimaced and hung her head.
"That maybe wasn't the smartest thing I have ever done, but you had collapsed
holding your scar and I was really worried. Professor Snape's rooms were closer
than the Infirmary so I went there first and I thought he would be more capable
of defending himself against any outburst you might have once you came around."
Hermione fidgeted in her seat, clearly worried that she had made a mistake in
getting Snape to help her.
Harry closed his eyes; the memories of that night were coming back. He could
now clearly remember the feeling of an outward rush of magic leaving him after
he witnessed Snape pushing Hermione to the ground.
"He threw you to the ground and called you stupid. I just..."
"He was trying to protect me Harry. He had surrounded me with a Protago shield,
but when I saw how angry you were at him, I thought that it would be better if
I approached you, but he wanted you to let go of your anger and hate, and he
wanted you to let it go on him. He said later that he deserved it."
Hermione continued to fidget uncomfortably in her seat as Harry looked at her
in confusion and tried to make sense of what she had said.
Taking another deep breath Hermione continued, "He told me that you had reached
a point of no return, which you had to release in one blast, that there was no
other way. Otherwise, you ran the risk of internalising it, where it would
slowly destroy you from the inside out. He also said it gave 'The Dark Lord' an
easy path into your mind or something. I don't really understand what he meant
by that, but you had collapsed holding your head, so I presume he was right.
You were still lying screaming in pain when we got back to you. Professor Snape
muttered some spell that sounded like occlutomentis, I presume from the Latin
he shielded you mind, although I can't find the spell referenced in any books."
Hermione still refused to look at Harry as she spoke.
Harry frowned at finding out there was maybe a simple spell that could shield
his mind, but Hermione had started talking again, so he decided to ask about it
later.
"Anyway as soon as the spell was cast your pain seemed to go away, but when you
saw Professor Snape...well you...you could actually hear your magic crackling
Harry." Hermione looked up with sympathy clear in her eyes.
"Yeah I remember. Is...is...he... all right?" He might hate the man Harry
thought but he didn't want him dead.
"He's fine. Madam Pomfrey released him on Friday night. He was here earlier to
see if you were awake yet, but he had to go prepare for our potions class so
left."
Harry looked up at Hermione and frowned.
"He was here...to see me?"
Hermione nodded, "He really is upset by what happened, Harry. Not that he has
said much about what happened since he stopped taking potions for pain. In
fact, he hasn't said much to me since that night, but I know he is. He sat by
your bed on Saturday night, I don't think he knows I saw him though. I came
down after curfew to see if you were all right. Madam Pomfrey said I could
because you had been a bit unstable over the day and I was worried about you,
but when I got down here Professor Snape was sitting by your bed. He
looked...well... he looked upset and worried."
"I'm sorry to have worried you Hermione but as far as Snape being upset, he
bloody well should be, he crossed the line that night. I know I need to
understand and control my emotions better but he didn't need to do what he did
to make me see how impulsive and reckless I can be."
"I don't think teaching you control is all that is going on here Harry. Can you
not see that maybe he found it difficult to control the situation just as much
as you did? He is...well you know... human too... he is an older more
experienced man... having you...well you said you begged him...? "
Harry nodded and closed his eyes again, clenching his fists in the crisp white
sheets as the memory of being in Snape's bed returned.
"That can't have been easy for him. I don't know how far he let things go
before he stopped... but he admitted to taking things too far before he managed
to, so I can imagine... but would you have preferred it if he had just done
what you asked without trying to make sure you were 100% alright with it first?
I personally think he did the right thing, don't you? I am not defending him or
anything, but you have to try to see it from his perspective too," Hermione had
regained some of her usual lecturing tone whilst she spoke but still looked
uncomfortable.
"You are making it sound like it was entirely my fault! Yes, I did want him. I
can't deny that, but Merlin, he only let things happen because he wanted to
make a fool out of me. Don't you see? It was his way of teaching me a lesson.
He doesn't really want me like that!"
Hermione sighed and took hold of one of Harry's hands.
"If things got as heated as I imagine, then I am sure you might have noticed
whether he wanted you or not Harry, there are ways to tell you know." Hermione
gave him a small smile trying to lighten the mood.
"Merlin Hermione...god... just because he was maybe...you know...doesn't mean
anything."
"I am just trying to make you see that it might not be as straight forward as
you think. You have always looked for the worst in Professor Snape, and you
have been wrong every time. I am not saying he has made it easy to trust him,
but he has never been guilty of the things we have accused him off, in fact,
generally the opposite has been true."
Harry knew that Hermione was right; he had Snape to thank for still being alive
after all. The man had saved his life on more occasions than he cared to think
about, but he was sure he was right about this. There was no other rational
reason for it. The man had always hated him and had even called him ugly!
Snape's arousal must have been a purel physical reaction to having an idiot
writhe about under him.
"Think of it another way Harry. What if, in a couple of years time, you met
some guy a bit younger than yourself who had never been with anyone before and
things started getting a little bit more physical than you thought he was maybe
ready for, would you just go ahead and have sex with him, just because he asked
you to in the heat of the moment, or would you hope you had enough presence of
mind to slow things down, to make sure he was happy with what was about to
happen, that he wouldn't regret it in the morning?
"That's different... I mean..."
"Just answer the question Harry."
"Well of course I would want to make sure he was all right with it, but
hopefully I wouldn't let things get to the point where he was begging for it in
the first place. Not if I was older and more experienced!"
"You really can't be that naive Harry, so don't pretend to be!" Hermione let go
of his hand, and sat back in her seat in exasperation.
Harry groaned and covered his face with his hands. Hermione had a point. He had
just been too blind to see it; too quick to jump to conclusions about Snape's
intentions - again. Snape had been just as aroused as he had been, just as
vulnerable. He hadn't laughed at him or told him to leave he had only tried to
slow things down a little, and give him a chance to control how far things
went. He had been right to. Harry knew that now, even though, at the time, he
had wanted Snape to fuck him, he knew that he hadn't been ready for that. He
accepted that he was gay, but he wasn't really at peace with it yet, he needed
more time to adjust to this recent revelation. The fact that he seemed to be
attracted to Snape was even more alarming, he could not begin to accept this to
be true never mind finding peace with that knowledge. If the older man had done
what he had asked of him, he would have woken up in the morning regretting it.
The fact that he regretted his uncontrolled outburst of magic was easier to
handle than admitting he had lost control of his sexual impulses. But he had
lost control of his sexual impulses Harry realised and if it hadn't been for
Snape questioning him he would have let the man do anything.
Hermione left after giving him a fierce hug telling him to rest, and assuring
him that everything would be fine. Harry didn't understand Hermione's
unquestioning friendship, couldn't grasp why she would continue to want to help
him. Why would she want to be friends with such a pathetic loser that only
brought her danger and fear, someone who had no control of their body or their
magic? The question led him to appreciate that he could not understand why
anybody would like him. He didn't feel he deserved to be loved or cared for the
way his friends seemed to love and care for him. He had given them nothing in
return but grief and stress.
Harry came to the conclusion over the course of the day, whilst lying in the
peaceful confines of his hospital bed, that Snape had been right. He did have
an unhealthy view of himself, had always had a negative self image, had always
craved acceptance from others to alleviate the pain he felt at being different.
He realised that unless he learnt to accept himself, and be at peace with who
he was and the role he had been given, he would never trust anyone that showed
him any kind of care. How could he when he didn't believe he deserved it.
He spent the entire day in bed thinking over all that had transpired in the
last week and focused on trying to assemble a clearer picture of who he was.
Trying to accept and be at peace with every aspect of his life. Tentative
tendrils of peace edged into his aching heart as he, for the first time,
accepted his life for what it was.
Snape did not show up in the Infirmary again, and in many ways Harry was glad,
but part of him longed to see him, to speak with him about what had happened,
and to make sure he was all right. He still believed that Snape had used sex to
make him see his inability to control his emotions and he still hated him for
doing so, but the fact that Snape had been as equally hard as he had been,
niggled at the back of his mind. Surely if the only thing on the Professor's
mind, had been to teach him a lesson then he wouldn't have been so aroused, but
Harry pushed the thoughts away, since he needed to focus on understanding
himself and not second guessing Snape's motivations at the moment. He should
have listened to what the older man wanted to say before running off. He
shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like he always did when it came to
anything to do with the git, but the man made had made it difficult to trust
him over the years. The fact that he had saved his life numerous times was an
enigma that never seemed to sit right amongst the sadistic taunts, unfair
accusations and sneering.
1650hrs Dumbledore's Office
Harry had been released from the Infirmary only moments before, and Madam
Pomfrey had informed him he was to attend the headmaster's office immediately
on his release. It was with no small amount of dread that he climbed the spiral
staircase, since he was surely in big trouble this time. Dumbledore had told
him over the summer that he would be extremely busy this year, that he would
not have much time to meet with Harry but would try to see him once or twice
over the term. The Headmaster wanted Harry to concentrate solely on his studies
and training this year, to prepare for the inevitable escalation of the war
when he graduated and not worry about Order business until he had completed
school. But here he was, climbing the staircase to the old man's office only
one week into the new term, and he had no misconception that he was attending a
social meeting.
Harry stepped through the open door at the top of the stairs, and Fawkes
squawked in greeting as he entered, ruffling his golden plumage as he pranced
on his perch. Harry watched the bird as he took another step inside the room,
closing the door quietly behind him. Dumbledore was not behind his desk, but
voices could be heard coming from the Headmasters small living area which lay
behind a closed door to Harry's right.
Edging his way into the office the clear resonating baritone of Snape could be
heard clearly.
"I must insist, Albus. I cannot continue teaching Potter after what happened on
Thursday night. Surely you must accept that I am not the right person for this
task?"
Harry held his breath on hearing Snape's deep pleading voice. Harry thought he
sounded desperate to make the older wizard release him from the task that meant
he would have to spend more time alone with him. Harry closed his eyes hoping
that Dumbledore agreed to Snape's request, just hearing Snape's voice confirmed
that he was indeed attracted to the man. Being alone with him was never going
to be a good idea now he accepted that fact, he would never find peace if he
had to regularly spend time with him out of class, not while he wanted him so
badly, not while he still hated him.
"Severus, what transpired on Thursday night only reinforces my reasons for
believing you are indeed, the correct person to teach Harry to keep Voldemort
out his mind. Unless you are willing to explain to me what happened between you
and the boy, I am sorry but I must refuse your request. You will continue
finding ways to teach him in the evenings that doesn't arouse too much
suspicion."
Severus growled, "It is not my place to divulge the nature of
our...disagreement but it should be suffice to say, it is most inappropriate
for me to continue teaching him, and I am sure once you meet with the boy he
will confirm this. I fear I may have misjudged my approach to his lessons and
find myself at a loss as to how to correct the damage I have done. Only you can
maybe manage that now."
"I cannot correct damage caused by something you are unwilling to tell me
about. You are the only one that can do that Severus, in fact, it is imperative
that you do, and quickly. Failure in this matter puts us all at risk."
Harry heard the unmistakable sound of Snape's robes swishing as he turned to
leave, and Harry's heart jumped into his mouth. He darted back to the door he
had just entered through and opened it as though he had just arrived. The last
thing he needed was to be caught eavesdropping on the two Professors'
conversation. Just as he opened the door, the tall black forbidding figure of
Snape stalked into the office, but as soon as his eyes met Harry's, he stopped
abruptly in his tracks and his eyes widened slightly before he growled and
brushed past him down the spiral staircase. Harry watched him go and wanted to
run after him. He wanted to tell him he was sorry; sorry for jumping to
conclusions, sorry for not waiting to hear what he had to say, sorry for
pushing him into intimacy, in the first place, sorry for lashing out at him in
anger and hate, sorry for not trusting him.
Harry's thoughts were cut short as the Headmaster's hand touched his shoulder.
"Harry my dear boy, come in and sit down. You will have plenty time to speak
with Severus later. Do not worry about him. I am sure he will forgive your
outburst, as I am sure you will forgive whatever it was he did to cause such a
reaction. He isn't always the easiest man to get along with." The Headmaster
chuckled slightly as he spoke and peered at Harry over his spectacles his eyes
were glittering with amusement.
"Headmaster how...how can you laugh at what I did? I could have killed him!"
"Ah indeed I am sure you could have, if that had been your intention but you
should know better than I, that hurting people really isn't in your nature.
Your magic, as uncontrolled as it was, always knows your intentions Harry, even
if you conscious mind may not. You merely stunned him. Granted it may have
caused him a little pain as every muscle went into severe shock but it was
nothing he couldn't handle. I can assure you he has dealt with worse."
Harry sighed and flopped down into the comfortable armchair opposite the
Headmaster's desk.
"So, you're not going to expel me for attacking a teacher then?"
"No Harry, not when that teacher obviously provoked you in some way. I would
like to have a better understanding of what Severus did that angered you but
alas he has been most unwilling to divulge what happened between you."
"It wasn't entirely his fault, at the time I thought it was but it wasn't. I
would rather not discuss it though, if that is all right."
"Of course, but I do implore you to make your peace with Severus soon. I do not
think I have seen him quite so upset in a long while. He can become rather
unpredictable when he is like this and I need him to keep his mind focused, now
more than ever. It is imperative that you continue your lessons with him, as it
is becoming more important you understand how to block your mind from further
invasion by Voldemort. In fact it is crucial you succeed Harry, otherwise I
cannot include you in the Order once you graduate. It would be too dangerous
for you to have any information regarding our war efforts, since it would leave
us open to attack."
"I understand that, but apart from Thursday Voldemort has never actually
managed to see any of my memories, the connection has always been as thought I
had entered his mind, you know, as if I was the one casting the Legilimens. I
had thought it might be of some benefit to the Order if I could see what he was
doing. You know it did save Mr. Wesley's life, I didn't appreciate that he
would be able to send me false thoughts like he did with ..." Harry cut himself
off not wanting to say Sirius' name.
"Indeed you are correct. If Voldemort had not discovered that you have some
sort of connection to his mind, it would have been of benefit but he does know
Harry, which gives us a bit of a problem. Have you ever wondered why Voldemort
has been unable to access your memories? Can you think of a reason why he
managed for the first time on Thursday?"
"I haven't thought about it. I have always presumed he thought that if I
believed he couldn't read my mind I wouldn't learn how to block him and if I
didn't learn to block him then he would have the ability to plant false
information again."
"That is possibly true, but if that was the only reason, why do you think he
hasn't sent you any further false thoughts since the incident at the Ministry,
and why did he enter your mind on Thursday?"
"I don't know Sir. I still have nightmares and can feel what he is feeling at
times, but they are such horrible negative emotions, so I have learnt to
control them I suppose, you know not let them bother me as much. I focus on
good memories and push all the anger and hatred that he feels away. Sirius told
me once that I could choose whether I let his negative, destructive emotions
consume me. That I could choose to ignore them and focus more on positive
things."
"That, my dear boy, is exactly why Voldemort has not been able to access your
mind to either read your thoughts and memories or indeed give you false
information. It has been the power of your love for people that has made your
mind something he cannot understand. He cannot gain entry into something he has
no understanding off. However, even the strongest of love, by its very nature,
has the potential to turn into the strongest of hate. Love can motivate us, but
when wronged it can quickly consume. It is against this you must learn to
anticipate and control. Otherwise you will lay us all bare should hate ever
creep in."
Harry frowned.
"But Headmaster I thought that to be able to Occlude, you needed to be able to
not feel any emotion at all, whether good or bad?"
"Ah yes that is correct. Master Occlumens like Severus have learnt to
effectively switch off all emotion, but it is not a particularly healthy state
to be in when practiced as frequently as he unfortunately has to, but it is the
only reliable method known to shield one's mind from intrusion. However there
is another way that I believe would make it possible for you to at least close
your mind to Voldemort just as reliably. It is this method that Severus has
been trying to teach over this last week. This method solely relies on you
being able to recognise any negative emotion at any given time - to not only
recognise it, but change it into its positive counterpart. By doing so
Voldemort will have nothing he understands to latch on to. He cannot
understand, let alone feel, anything based in positive emotion Harry, it
confuses him, thereby effectively blocking him from penetrating your mind. In
short your mind would become a very uncomfortable place for him to be. I must
warn you however, this controlled emotion approach will not help you Occlude in
general. Someone who has the equal ability to understand and feel positive
emotion would still be able to penetrate your mind."
"So is that why you chose Professor Snape to teach me, because he has no
understanding of positive emotion?"
The Headmaster looked at Harry with sad eyes and shook his head.
"No Harry. Severus' capacity for love is much greater than even you or I may
understand. You will never overcome a Legilimens cast by him unless you manage
to learn how to completely empty yourself of all emotion. You, by nature, are a
very emotionally driven person Harry, and I do not wish to devoid anyone else
of that trait."
Harry frowned, what the Headmaster was telling him about making every emotion
positive, made sense, but why was it imperative that Snape teach him if he had
no hope of blocking him from his mind when they practiced.
"You look confused Harry is there something I have not explained well?"
"No you have explained it well enough I think and I understand what you are
saying, it makes sense. The first time Voldemort ever managed to see my
memories was on Thursday night when I was filled with the worst anger and hate
I have ever felt towards someone. That was no coincidence was it?"
"No Harry, it was not."
"What I don't understand is why it has to be Snape that teaches me if I have no
way of blocking his Legilimens, I mean how will we know I have mastered this
method and why does he continue to test it by casting Legilimens on me?"
"I wasn't aware he had been using Legilimens on you during your most recent
lessons with him. In fact, he agreed that doing so would be of no benefit.
However, I trust he must have had a good reason if he did so. As far as why it
must be Severus that teaches you - if you think about it Harry, it really is
not very difficult to work out why it must be him."
Dumbledore tilted his head slightly whilst raising his eyebrows in a
questioning manner, his blue eyes twinkling over his spectacles.
"Now I do believe it is time for dinner, so on you go. I have other things to
which I must attend. I will be in touch soon." And with a clap of his hands he
was gone.
Harry stood looking at the empty space Dumbledore had just vacated, his words
ringing in his ears.
Snape really did want me to hate him. He intentionally pushed me into the worst
state of negative emotion I had ever experienced.
Harry shook his head and took a deep breath as he snapped out his thoughts; he
was in danger of allowing all the negative emotions return. There was no point
in trying to second guess what Snape had been thinking or why they had ended up
in bed together, he needed to speak with him. It was a conversation he dreaded,
but he knew it was one he was going to have to have soon.
1735 hrs Great Hall
"All right Ron?" Harry said trying to appear happy and relaxed as he slid along
the bench to where his friend was sitting.
"Oh! So you have decided to talk to me today, have you? Feeling a bit bad about
almost killing my bloody girlfriend, are you? Do you think being nice to me
will make me forget about it, you git?"
"What? I didn't almost kill your girlfriend Ron."
"Yeah right, so why did she spend the majority of the night in the bloody
infirmary then refuse to tell me why she was there? I'm not completely fucking
stupid. The whole school knows you lost your bloody temper again. You could
have hurt her Harry!"
"Hermione was never in any danger Ron, she took me to the Infirmary and stayed
while I was treated, that's all."
"So what got you so bloody worked up this time? Has someone else died while you
fight another Dark Wizard?" Ron sneered.
"Ronald Weasley! How dare you bring up something like that!" Hermione said as
she approached them, shock clear in her voice.
"Why shouldn't I? Neither of you tell me anything about what is going on. I may
as well just say what everyone else is thinking anyway."
"Ignore him Harry no-one is thinking anything like that." Hermione put a
comforting hand on Harry's shoulder whilst scowling at the sulking red head.
"Snape was missing from class on Friday so the talk is that Harry had a fight
with him, you know, decided to take out at least one death eater while he had
the chance."
"Professor Snape is not evil, as well you know," Hermione hissed quietly "and
please keep your voice down. This is not something we can discuss here."
Harry really didn't want to discuss it at all, and especially not when Ron was
in one of his moods. He didn't want to lie about what happened but he didn't
want to tell him the truth either.
"Look Ron, I am sorry I haven't talked to you much since we got back. There are
has been some things that I have been having problems with all right. I
shouldn't have lost my temper the way I did but I did, and no matter how much I
want to change that fact I can't. I promise that I will tell you what's been
going on as soon as I can get my own head around it, ok?" Harry said trying to
stay calm and not to become irritated with his friend's attitude.
Ron scowled, picked up his plate and moved up the bench a little to sit with
Ginny.
"He will calm down Harry. You know how irrational he can be when he feels left
out. He does care about you, it's just that he's not very good at showing it."
"I know. Look, why don't you go sit with him, it might help him calm down a
bit. I would rather be on my own just now anyway. I will catch up with you both
later."
Hermione nodded as she stood, giving his hand a gentle squeeze as she did so.
Before she left she pulled out a sealed piece of parchment and slid it onto the
table beside Harry's hand.
"I was asked to give you this message. Please try and stay calm, whatever it
says, all right?"
Harry nodded as Hermione turned to leave.
The message must be from Snape. There was no one else that would give Hermione
a written message for him, not one that would make Hermione think he might
become upset by its contents at any rate. Picking up the note Harry glanced up
at the head table and his eyes immediately met with Snape's dark uneasy gaze.
Quickly looking away he put the letter back down and grabbed his cutlery. He
tried to appear calm and collected but his heart rate increased just knowing
Snape was watching him. He tried to focus on eating something before he
fainted, since he couldn't remember the last time he had anything to eat, and
although he was sure Pomfrey had given him nutrient potions while he was
unconscious, they were never as good as eating a meal.
He managed to eat a little, but his mind kept wandering to the letter sitting
beside him and to the man who had written it, the man he knew was currently
still sitting watching him. He could almost feel Snape's eyes burn into him.
Quickly glancing back up at the head table his suspicions were confirmed. Snape
was staring at him, but as their eyes met again the older man snatched his gaze
away and focused on his food. It appeared as though he was having just as much
trouble eating as Harry was. Putting his knife and fork down he decided to just
open the letter and get it over with, he might be able to eat something if he
at least knew what the message was about he decided.
Ripping open the seal he saw it was a longer note than he had expected, it had
also been written using a spell rather than by hand so the writing was not
recognisable as anyone's in particular and there was no opening salutation or
closing signature.
I find myself in the unfortunate position of having to write to you in an
attempt to explain some things that you were unwilling to listen to previously.
Before I begin however, I make no apology for the manner in which I write. I am
sure you understand the need for ambiguity in this matter.
I assume that you still feel about certain things the way you did the last time
I saw you, and may indeed believe that I am due you an apology. However, in all
honesty, I cannot give one, since I do not regret any of what transpired.
My actions were not designed to cause you any distress. What occurred had
nothing to do with our task, even if it did produce the desired result.
Whatever you believe, I am not so cruel that I would resort to using such
methods with the intention of causing anguish. Such interactions should only
ever be conducted with positive outcomes in mind; otherwise it becomes
destructive and toxic for all concerned.
I would like to have the opportunity to speak with you directly, but I
appreciate it would be a rather difficult conversation, not only for you, but
also for me, since I am not entirely sure I can give you reasons for what has
occurred. If it is not your wish to have this conversation, or continue what
was started, then you only need to ignore this letter. Should I not hear from
you by tomorrow evening I will inform the other person concerned with our task
that he will have to make other arrangements for it to be completed.
I have returned an item that belongs to you, which I took for safe keeping. It
is where you would normally keep it.
Harry's hand flew to his wand pocket and felt the comforting shape of his wand
nestled there. His eyes darted up to the head table and met with Snape's for
the briefest of moments before the normally stoic man squirmed in his seat,
stood abruptly and strode from the room through the staff exit.
Harry's heart was hammering as his eyes fell back to the letter in his hands
and he read it through again. Any last vestiges of hate he harboured for the
man fell away as he realised how difficult it must have been for him to write
such a thing. A soft, warm hand fell on Harry's shoulder, making him jump
slightly.
"You look a little shocked Harry. Is everything all right?" Hermione asked
gently as she glanced down at the letter.
"Yeah. I think so." Harry pushed the letter toward her as she slipped in beside
him again, which earned her an angry scowl from Ron who still sat a few places
away.
Hermione sat quietly reading the neatly typed script for a few moments.
"Wow that is..."
"Yeah I know a bit weird eh?"
Hermione quickly cast a silencing charm that surrounded them in a low buzz. Ron
scowled again, threw his fork down and strode from the room.
"Weird? No Harry it not weird, its lovely, the person who wrote this put a lot
of thought into what to say. Considering who it came from it must have been
very difficult for him to write."
"Yeah that's what makes it so weird."
"Why would anything that was obviously written from the heart be weird Harry?"
"Well considering it is to me from...you know...it is a bit strange Hermione,"
Harry said laughing.
Hermione laughed with him "I suppose it is... a rather unexpected turn of
events, but it most certainly isn't weird, not if the words are meant, not
after what happened between you."
They both stopped laughing and sat quietly for a moment.
"What are you going to do?" Hermione asked.
"I don't know. I am not sure about...how did he put it...continuing what was
started! Although he is probably just talking about the lessons and not
anything else that we started. It's a bit unsettling to think that he could
mean anything else. It would be better if we never saw each other again, not
alone anyway."
"Why would that be unsettling, surely you must have known what he wanted for
days now, like I said earlier there must have been certain evidence that
he...you know... wanted that..." Hermione blushed and laughed in embarrassment
as she spoke.
"Yeah well, there was, but god Hermione, it's too much to take in... too
big..."
Hermione laughed harder.
"Merlin that's not what I mean, you have seriously got a filthy mind! I was
going to say it's too big a change in how I have always thought he felt about
me and what I thought I felt about him."
"I thought your perceptions of him changed the moment he kissed you. You have
had a week to come to terms with how he makes you feel."
"Yeah well I haven't really thought about it. I have been more focused on what
it meant for me in general. I really did believe he only did what he did to
make me realise certain things about myself, you know not because he felt
anything for me in return."
"Like he says though, it would have been rather cruel of him to use physical
intimacy just to teach you a lesson in emotion. I have never thought him to be
that sadistic, especially after we found out why he must put on a show of
hating you. It has been quite clear for years that he doesn't really hate you,
far from it in fact."
"If I'm honest I think I have known that deep down for a while. You know he has
always had the capacity to hurt me more than he should have with the things he
says in class, I think it's because it makes no sense. He has done so much to
protect me over the years, each time he saved me from injury or death he made
me feel like I mattered, not because of this bloody scar or my history but it
was like he cared or something crazy like that. I know that sounds mad after
the way he has treated me, but he makes me feel safe. No one has ever made me
feel safe, not even Sirius. I think I..."
Harry cut himself off as the shock of what he was about to say ran through his
body in an alternate hot cold shiver.
"You think you... what, Harry? Hermione said smiling.
"Eh yeah mmm just that I feel safe that's all."
Hermione raised her eyebrows at Harry's obvious discomfort, but did not
question him further much to his relief. He couldn't quite believe he was about
to admit he would miss the bloody git when he left Hogwarts, but it was true
though he thought, a little startled by the revelation. I will miss him. I want
him in my life. I need him.
"So are you going to respond to the letter?"
Harry pulled out a spare piece of parchment and his quill from his bag and
began to write, the decision on whether to respond or not seemed obvious now.
A/N – Sorry again it has taken me so long to get this posted. Hope you think it
was worth the wait. Please let me know what you think...I know there are loads
more readers than reviewers, it would be really great if you could all let me
know how I am doing! ;-)!
***** Attraction? *****
Warnings: Some strong language and references to male/male sexual relationship
but nothing too graphic in this chapter.
The story can finish after this chapter for thse of you who do not want to read
beyond the single storyline of emotions...the next chapter diverges
somewhat...LHxx
Chapter 7 – Attraction
Day 9
1855hrs – Outside Snape's Office
It had only been 8 days since Harry had arrived outside Snape's office for the
first of what had meant to be a full week of evening detentions. He remembered
how angry he had felt, that first night, how much he had trembled, just as he
was trembling now. But so much had changed in those 8 short days - he had
changed Harry mentally corrected himself. Everything else had remained exactly
the same. He was still the boy who lived, the one that was supposed to save the
world, the threat of Voldemort still hung over his head and he still bore the
emotional scars of a less than ideal childhood, although those were now fading,
thanks to Snape.
Snape, Harry thought with a smile. Snape hadn't changed either, not if this
morning's class had been anything to go by. The barbed comments and point
taking had been as bad as it had always been. Snape had doled out biting
sarcasm with no hint of emotion in his black eyes, and it had unnerved Harry
slightly, but there had been a brief moment at the end of the class when
surprise had flickered through them. It was the moment Harry had slipped his
reply to the letter Snape had sent him out his pocket, and handed it to him,
along with his potions exercise book at the end of class that morning.
Harry had planned to respond to the letter the previous evening with a quick
one line saying he wanted to meet, but as he sat at the dinner table, poised to
write the note, he had decided to write a little more. He thought that since
Snape had put some thought into his letter, he should extend him the same
courtesy. He had spent most of the night trying to find the right words, and
although it wasn't very long, it had taken him many attempts to get down on
paper what he wanted to say, whilst not directly saying anything. Snape had
made it clear in his own letter that any written communication had to be
ambiguous. When he had handed the letter over, however, he immediately wanted
to snatch it back, wishing he had kept it short and simple. However, it
appeared that Snape hadn't been too angry at what he had written, and had even
given Harry a small smirk as he entered the Defence classroom. A smirk that
everyone else would have thought looked like a sneer, but Harry had seen a
fleeting warmth in his eyes that changed the meaning of the smirk from sneering
contempt, to a teasing smile and it had made Harry's heart flip over, and his
cock twitch under his school robes.
The defence class itself, however, had been awful. A visiting Professor, who
specialised in hand on hand combat, had been timetabled for that day, and
everyone automatically paired with the partners they had been working with the
previous week, meaning Harry was with Snape. The visiting Professor had used
them in his demonstrations and got them to go through the offensive and
defensive holds and throws he wanted the class to learn. This had resulted in a
lot of full body contact and made Harry thank all the gods for school robes
that covered the arousal he had felt for the whole class. At one point during
the demonstrations, Harry had successfully managed to make Snape lose his
balance, and he fell backwards onto the training mat, but Snape hadn't let go
of the arm hold he had on Harry in time, and Harry fell with him. He had landed
directly on top of the shocked Professor, and his erection slammed deliciously
into Snape's own hard length. Harry groaned and Snape let out a strangled
grunt, before freezing, as if in a joint body bind, for a second or two with
the eyes locked onto each other. Hermione had let out a strangled laugh which
broke the moment and resulted in them struggling awkwardly to regain their feet
before they both threw Hermione almost identical scowls, which apparently only
served to increase her amusement, but she managed to cover it well enough with
a fit of coughing. By the end of the class, both Harry and Snape had been
panting heavily and Harry knew it wasn't only a result of physical exertion.
The need for release was becoming painful, and by the look on Snape's face, he
felt the same. There was no doubt in Harry's mind now that he was attracted to
Snape and that Snape was as attracted to him.
It was with this knowledge that he now stood, trembling just as much as he had
done over a week ago outside Snape's office, but this time he trembled in
nervousness rather than anger. Not a fearful nervousness, but a nervousness
born out of excitement of the unknown. He had no idea what he was going to say,
or indeed, what Snape was going to say, and he alternated between wanting to
run back to the safety of his dorm, and wanting to run straight into Snape's
arms.
1900hrs – Snape's Office.
"Professor?" Harry whispered as he entered the office. Snape had not answered
his knock, and finding the door unlocked he had entered thinking that maybe
there would be a note for him again. The office wasn't empty however. Snape was
sitting slumped forward on his desk with his head in his hands, apparently
having not heard the knock or Harry entering.
"Professor?" Harry said a little louder as he walked further into the office.
Snape sat bolt upright, and opened his eyes in surprise.
"Potter!" the startled Professor sneered. "You are obviously labouring under
the false impression that you no longer need to extend me the common courtesy
of respecting a closed-door or at least knocking before entering!"
Wonderful, he's in a bad mood, Harry thought. What in Merlin's name am I doing
here? Harry fought the urge to tell the git to bugger off and run straight back
to Gryffindor tower, but he managed to stand his ground and respond calmly. His
desire to talk about what had happened between them stronger than any anger the
Professor's words caused.
"I did Sir, but when you didn't answer, I thought you might be in your private
quarters again."
"Well you can't have knocked very loudly," Snape snapped. "However, I did
indeed mean to conduct this meeting somewhere a little more private. If you are
comfortable with being in my rooms again, then that would be the most obvious
place."
Snape stood motioning to the door behind him, waiting for Harry to indicate
whether he was indeed comfortable taking this meeting into the older man's
personal space.
Harry hesitated, diverted his eyes and shuffled his feet. His mind and body
were at war, he wasn't sure it was the best idea to be alone with Snape in his
private quarters again, but he was aroused and excited by the prospect
nonetheless, and his stomach fluttered and his face flushed.
"We can stay here if you wish, although we would have to be more careful of
what we discuss. It is not as well warded against prying eyes or ears." Snape
flinched slightly as he spoke as though he was mentally berating himself for
his lack vigilance over the last week.
"No, it's all right. I think it would be better if we could talk openly." Harry
moved forward toward the desk, toward Snape, the tension between them palpable.
Snape nodded, turned abruptly and whispered a password. The door quietly swung
open.
Once they were both standing in the bright entrance foyer, with the door to the
office firmly closed and warded behind then, Snape opened a small door
immediately to the right of the entrance. A robe cupboard Harry realised as
Snape began unbuttoning his robes.
"You may leave your outer robe here if you wish," Snape said, looking at
Harry's heavy outdoors school robe.
Harry did not respond. He was too transfixed, by pale long fingers deftly
undoing button after button on the billowing robes Snape habitually wore, to
form any coherent sentence, his arousal at the sight making his mind shut down.
The fingers stilled under Harry's gaze.
"I keep these rooms rather warm Mr Potter. It is not my custom to remain in
teaching robes whilst at home. If, however, you would rather I kept them on, I
can spell the room's cooler."
"Oh emmm sorry, no it's fine," Harry stammered as he became conscious of his
staring, the heat rising to his face again. He shrugged out his own robe as if
to confirm his ease with the situation. He regretted its removal as soon as he
handed it over however, as his cock hardened further within the confines of his
tight jeans as soon as Snape removed his own robes.
Once their robes had been hung up, Snape indicated for him to enter the sitting
room. His heart rate increased at the thought of sitting so close to the man
his body had been craving all day, even though his rational mind was dreading
the conversation ahead.
"Would you like something to drink Potter?" Snape asked as they entered the
overly warm room.
Harry was taken aback by Snape's calm, almost friendly tone. It was no big deal
really to be offered a drink by someone he had almost had sex with, but it made
Harry on edge somehow. The friendly gesture was so different to what he was
used to from his Professor, and he wasn't sure how to respond.
"Only if you are going to have something, Sir." Harry answered uncertainly,
feeling completely out his depth and socially inept.
Snape nodded and headed toward an old, beautifully carved cabinet, which looked
as though it was made out of expensive black ebony wood.
"Please take a seat, Potter, unless you intend to stand for the entire
evening," Snape instructed.
Harry cursed under his breath at his inability to appear mature and relaxed.
Snape really must think I am a complete bumbling idiot, Harry thought
derisively of himself, as he tried to relax and sat on the edge of the sofa and
watched as Snape set about retrieving two silver goblets from the cabinet.
Harry closed his eyes against the image in front of him when Snape bent down to
open the bottom cabinet door. Well-defined thigh muscles and a toned arse were
all too apparent through tight black trousers doing nothing to calm Harry's
arousal.
This is crazy Harry thought as he took a deep breath and tried to think about
something else, something less arousing. He was beginning to feel as though he
had been hard all day and wished he'd had a wank before coming down here.
"You seem rather nervous Mr Potter," Snape drawled softly a moment later
Harry opened his eyes to see Snape standing in front of him holding out one of
the silver goblets. Taking it, without looking up into the dark eyes, he
answered quietly.
"Thank you," Harry nodded toward the goblet now gripped in his shaking hand. "I
suppose I am rather nervous."
Harry mentally cursed the sound of his breathy broken words and cleared his
throat before trying to speak again.
"As you said in your letter, this is going to be a rather difficult
conversation."
"Indeed," Snape simply answered sitting down beside him. "Drink your wine and
try to relax, but do not drink it too quickly. I could do without you becoming
inebriated this evening."
Harry had only ever had a small glass of wine on one previous occasion during a
meal at the Weasleys', and he had not particularly liked it, but he took a
small sip of the deep red liquid out of politeness. He still didn't like it, he
realised, although this one was quite different. It had a heavy flavour and
left an unusual after taste.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, the only noise a soft tick, of what
sounded like a clock, and the crackle of wood burning on the large open fire.
Harry sipped his wine slowly, trying to get used to the taste. Snape sat
staring at the dancing flames in the hearth. Harry was a bit surprised that
Snape had given him alcohol, but he did not dwell on it overly, his mind was
too busy trying to work out what he should say to start the conversation.
Snape eventually broke the silence with a sigh.
"We will begin by exploring how you feel this evening, Mr Potter," he said
quietly, not looking at Harry as he spoke, instead continued to stare into the
flames.
Harry frowned at the man's words. It was not what he had been expecting and was
not prepared for closing his eyes again. He wanted Snape to tell him what he
had been thinking and feeling, not the other way round, and his mind scrambled
to respond to the statement.
"Oh emmm, can we not do that tonight? I mean...mmm...not until we clear up some
other things first," he stammered.
"No. We will continue with the task the Headmaster has given us before we
discuss more...personal matters," Snape stated calmly, still looking into the
fire.
"Close your eyes," Snape's instructed gently.
Harry squirmed in his seat, absent-mindedly taking a larger sip of his wine and
tried to form an argument against continuing the lessons tonight.
"I don't want to do this just now. It's not fair of you to expect me to be open
with you, not without talking about what happened first - you know, about what
you did."
Snape snapped his eyes away from the fire and focused on Harry.
"What I did? I was not alone in my actions Potter. I did not force myself upon
you!" A spark of anger lit the black eyes as he spoke. "As for being fair, I
believe I have told you numerous times, life isn't fair. If you haven't
realised that by now, you are more of a dunderhead than I originally thought."
Harry felt pain at the familiar words, even though they were not delivered in
the usual barbed tone, they angered him nonetheless.
"That's not what I meant. I am not accusing you of forcing me. I know it was me
that pushed for more, but I need to understand why you started it, and it was
you that started it. I refuse to tell you how I feel whilst you say nothing
about how you feel, and certainly not whilst you continue to belittled me.
Merlin! You wonder why I believe you only used sex as a tool to make me hate
you; I mean really, it's not that difficult to work out is it? You haven't
exactly given me any reason to believe you even like me, never mind anything
else," Harry's anger increased as he spoke but was surprised that Snape let him
rant like that, he usually cut him off before he could have his say.
Snape closed his eyes and sighed.
"Words, Mr Potter, that's all they are, just words. My role has made it
impossible for me to outwardly display any sort of emotion other than contempt
and loathing for you. Can you not understand that? My actions, however, should
have told you a different story. "
Harry's anger at Snape's words dissipated somewhat by the look of sadness that
now occupied the black eyes, but he still felt a little annoyed at the way the
conversation had started.
"Yeah well words hurt. We are in private now, and you still make me feel like a
total idiot. I have never understood your reasons for saving my life. I
presumed you only did it because you had no choice; that Dumbledore had asked
you to ensure my safety, you can't tell me it's been from the goodness of your
heart or that you actually care about my well-being."
Harry cringed inwardly at how he sounded like a whining child, he hadn't meant
it to come out the way it had, and he braced himself for more cutting remarks
about his childish attitude. However, Snape remained calm.
"You are correct. The headmaster did indeed request that I protect you and
ensure your safety over the years.
"So your actions mean nothing. They don't mean that you like me. I mean why
would they? You have made it clear since my first day here, that you hate me,
that you think I am an arrogant, stupid brat."
"My reasons for accepting Albus request to protect you are not important, not
in relation to teaching you how to block The Dark Lord from your mind. That was
the purpose of us spending so much time alone together after all. Not for any
personal reasons. It is regrettable that we find ourselves in this...mess."
Snape's words made Harry's anger spike again.
"That's all this is to you isn't it, a mess, a situation that you would rather
not be in? You wanted me to hate you, and you used..."
Snape did cut his ranting off this time, and his voice was tight and
controlled.
"Of course I wanted you to hate me. The Headmaster explained the need for you
to understand hate, did he not? To not only understand it, but to allow it no
place in your mind?"
Harry growled. Snape's words made his doubts about the Professor's motivations
flood back even stronger than before.
"Yes the headmaster explained, but for you to kiss me, touch me, take me to
your bed...God... That is why you did it, wasn't it? You are just lying when
you say you didn't plan it! You must have found it hilarious when I responded
the way I did, I played right into your hands, didn't I? I allowed you to
humiliate me in the most..." Harry's magic was starting to pool again in his
chest, making him stutter slightly at the familiar sensation.
"Stop right there Potter. Control your emotions," Snape growled, closing his
eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose in clear exasperation.
"Have I not already informed you that it was not my intention to use any form
of intimacy to create negative emotion? I did not plan to kiss you that first
night, and I certainly did not expect you to end up feeling hatred toward me
when I took you to my bed. The fact that you did, is what is regrettable, even
if it was my initial goal."
"So why the hell did you kiss me then? You know that very first night. Why did
you do it again the following night? You fucking touched me and made me want
you, you git. You seemed to know exactly how to change my anger and fear into
more positive emotions! You can't tell me none of it was planned!"
"I will not discuss this. Not until we finish our task."
Harry slammed his drink down on a small side table beside the sofa and stood.
His frustration and anger increased worryingly.
"No Snape, goddamn it! I know I need to block out all negative emotion, but can
we just talk about us first."
Snape abruptly stood taking one large stride forward closing the distance
between them. Harry flinched slightly as he felt Snape grip him roughly by the
shoulders, and could feel the tension in the taller man's body and a heat
radiated from the hands on his shoulders. A shiver of electricity trickled down
his spine at the contact and Harry looked up into black eyes that were now only
inches above him, and felt overcome by the passion and emotion that radiated
from them. The look and touch broke Harry's anger instantly and replaced it
with a deep desire to be in Snape arms, to feel those soft, warm lips on his,
to be pulled tight against the hard muscled body in front of him, to feel the
acceptance and peace he had felt previously when with the older man. Snape
appeared to sense the sudden change in Harry's emotional state, and eased the
tight grip on his shoulders, but did not break the intense gaze. Harry was
fighting with an impulse just to leave and forget about Snape, but there was a
stronger desire to stay. He desperately wanted to take one small step forward,
press his body against Snape's and kiss him.
"Harry...please sit down, drink your wine, and try to relax," Snape spoke
quietly his voice was a little hoarse. He picked up Harry's drink and handed it
to him.
"I promise we will discuss more personal matters later, but not before we
examine what you are feeling. Learning to close your mind to Voldemort must
come before anything else."
Harry's took a large swig of his wine and winced slightly at the bitter taste.
Now that his anger had turned to desire, it continued to build, but he managed
to look away from the dark eyes, and sat down as instructed. Snape sat beside
him a moment later and sighed.
"This situation is just as difficult for me. Contrary to popular belief I am
human too. I made a mistake. I should not have allowed sexual desire and
intimacy to become mixed up in these lessons, and I am at a loss as to how to
rectify my error in judgement. I have no way of knowing how you will react if I
try to explain the reasons behind my behaviour. Therefore, it would be better
if we complete our task first, and the only way we can do that is if we both
try to forget what has happened between us and concentrate solely on shielding
your mind. Otherwise, I will have no option but to ask Albus to help me sort
this out."
Harry's eyes widened at the thought of the Headmaster getting involved. "You
wouldn't. I can't see the Headmaster being very happy with this." Harry swung
his arm out between himself and Snape.
"No, I'm sure he would not, but I do not care what the Headmaster thinks.
Shielding your mind has to be our priority," Snape said with a hint of
resignation.
Harry sighed and relaxed back a little, he still didn't think he was going to
be able to concentrate on shielding his mind when his body was screaming to be
touched, and his mind wanted to understand Snape's recent behaviour toward him,
but he accepted he would have to at least try.
"You promise we will speak about everything else later?" Harry asked quietly.
"I promise," Snape said nodding tiredly.
Harry took a large mouthful of wine before leaning his head back against the
sofa and closed his eyes.
"Tell what you are feeling, Harry."
Harry had felt so many conflicting emotions since stepping in this room, and he
didn't know where to start.
"I am still a bit pissed off that you won't talk about the other stuff first I
suppose."
"So you are angry?" Snape asked.
"More irritated now than angry I think."
"Are you sure it is not desire? A desire for this time to be spent discussing
the more personal matters?"
"Yeah I suppose it is," Harry said a bit distractedly. He could feel the wine
sitting heavy in his empty stomach reminding him that he hadn't eaten today.
"Can you harness that desire and make it a positive motivator to get this
lesson over with so we can have that discussion?"
"I am trying to," Harry huffed, "that's why I am sitting here with my eye
closed and not just hexing you." Harry gave a small insolent smile but kept his
eyes closed.
Snape snorted, and Harry almost opened his eyes. The snort had sounded
suspiciously like a laugh, but Snape quickly started speaking again so he
managed to keep them closed.
"You agreed with me earlier that you were a little nervous when you came in
here. Why were you nervous?"
"I do not understand what happened between us. I thought we were going to
discuss it. I was scared of what you were going to say, of what you were going
to do."
Harry felt Snape shift slightly in his seat beside him.
"Scared or excited Harry?" Snape said seductively.
Harry snapped open his eyes. If they were not going to discuss why their
relationship had changed to include sexual things, then he sure as hell wasn't
going to sit there and be teased by him again.
"Please don't do that! Without you telling me what you feel you can't possibly
expect me to..."
"What? Be honest with me?" Snape raised his eyebrows and gave him a wide-eyed
almost innocent look.
"Merlin, you are the most infuriating man I have ever met, do you know that? I
want us to sort out what happened between us. Without doing so, I can't
concentrate on anything else." There was no anger in Harry's words now, in
fact, he was actually starting to feel rather relaxed.
Snape stood, took a deep breath, and strode back to his position in front of
the fire.
"All right, that was maybe not the best way to go about this. Let me start
again. Have you thought about any other occasions when you have felt angry or
frightened and tried to work out how desire and excitement could maybe fit in?"
Harry sighed, took another sip of his wine and closed his eyes again.
"Yeah. When I had to spend the day in the Infirmary, I thought a lot about what
you said, you know, about finding peace, and I realised I held a lot of anger
and fear about many things in my life, mainly because I felt I had no control
over things that happen to me. Anyway, I think I can turn those emotions into
more positive ones. It has helped me feel less of a freak actually, and I have
been more at peace with my life today than I ever have."
"Give me an example of what used to make you angry or scared, then try to
explain how you feel about it now."
"I was scared of graduating, of leaving Hogwarts, of the war, of people dying
because I am not ready, or not powerful enough, to defeat Voldemort. I can see
now though that if I let fear and anxiety rule me, I will never be ready. I can
make it feel like excitement. Excitement about finally being able to live my
life free from Voldemort, excitement at the prospect of everyone being free to
life their life's without threat."
"Good, so you can turn your fear into excitement by visualising the positive
outcome of conquering them?"
"Yes I can." Harry could, in that moment, actually feel the excitement bubbling
in his gut just at the thought of being free from Voldemort. He shifted in his
seat relishing the absence of fear as a fresh wave of peace invaded him.
"How about anger?"
"Well, I have always felt angry at my relatives for treating me the way they
did over the years. As you know, from some of my memories you saw a couple of
years ago, they always made it clear I was not welcome in their house. Anyway,
I can see that my anger at them was really just a very deep rooted desire for
them to accept me, to treat me at least with a little respect if not love. I
suppose my desire to have a caring family is the root of a lot of my anger
actually."
"Good. A desire to feel loved and accepted is a normal desire that any human
strives for and it can motivate you to build positive relationships with
others. As long as you do not accept love just because it is offered, that
would not necessarily be a good thing in certain circumstances. You need to be
at peace with yourself first. Otherwise, your desire may become desperate and
needy."
Harry nodded "I thought about that too actually. I...wondered if you kissed me
to prove how desperate I was for affection; you know that I would accept it
from anyone."
Snape sighed, and the sadness in his eyes, returned.
"You do accept people too easily Potter, especially if they show you some care.
However, that was not my reason for kissing you." Snape did not allow Harry to
respond to this declaration but quickly continued with his next question. Harry
tried to concentrate on the task, but the wine was doing nothing to help him
stay focused as thoughts of the times they had kissed entered his mind.
"You say you have felt more at peace with who you are over today. Is there
anything that still poses a problem when trying to resolve past shame or
guilt?"
"No I don't think so. I don't feel so ashamed or guilty about people who have
died any more. I know that there was nothing I could have done to save them.
Well apart from Sirius that is. I have also come to terms with liking wizards,"
Harry added quickly as the desire to move onto the personal things became
stronger. He had worked through most of his old hang-ups, and the only thing
left deal with was how being in Snape's presence made him feel.
"Ah yes. Black's death was...unfortunate. Why do you still think that was your
fault?" Snape replied smoothly, ignoring the comment about his sexual
orientation.
"Isn't that obvious? I let Voldemort into my mind. I was so full of anger and
hatred for him that year it made me behave and act irrationally. It was anger
that made me run off to the ministry that night. I did not consider the danger
that I put everyone else in."
"Your actions were a little impulsive; however, impulsiveness is sometimes
necessary to get things done. We were operating in a very difficult environment
at the time, with Albus gone and Umbridge running the school, and although your
actions were impulsive, it was understandable under those circumstances why you
chose to try to save someone you loved. I think it was love that made you
impulsive, not anger or hate. However, we will come back to that later."
Harry was a little stunned by Snape's remarks. They were maybe not
complimentary, but at least they were not scathing. However, he did not have
time to consider what Snape had said before he started speaking again.
"With regard to you letting the Dark Lord into your mind, I believe that you
would never have been able to occlude him, even if you had taken your lessons
seriously and become a master Occlumens. The link between you and him goes
beyond the power of Legilimency or Occlumency."
"Yeah the Headmaster said that too. Actually he said that unless I learn full
Occlumency I will not be able to block your Legilimens using this controlled
emotion method. So why did you cast it on me last week?"
"Ah yes I wondered if you would ask me this." Snape paused slightly before
continuing as if thinking about the best way to explain his actions. "That
night, you were under the impression that you had mastered your emotions, and
it was the only way of making you believe you had not without the need to
explain that you had to hate me. You see, I knew you were hiding your true
emotion that night. I knew by your body language that you were alternatively
disgusted and attracted to me."
"Oh, ok mmm...so if you wanted me to hate you how on earth did we end up in bed
that night, if what you say is true, and you did not intend for that to cause
hate?"
"We will discuss that later, but since we are talking about that night, let us
explore the emotion of disgust. Other than myself, is there anyone else that
has caused you similar feelings of repulsion?"
"No I don't think so... well apart from Voldemort, but do not try to make me
feel attraction to him! You see, I had already worked out that disgust and
attraction are linked, without one there cannot be the other, that is why I
wanted to hide my emotions from you that night, but for you information, it
wasn't you I was disgusted at, not entirely. I was disgusted at myself. You
know, for being attracted to men, but I am not bothered by that anymore. If
anything, I am relieved. I mean, I was worried for a bit that I didn't seem to
react to girls the same way as other boys my age and now it all makes sense,
although I still can't...emmm."
Harry frowned. He had been about to say he was still couldn't fully accept who
it was he was attracted to, but suddenly realised that he did accept it. The
reasons he felt attraction to Snape seemed very clear at that moment.
"You still can't...what, Mr Potter?"
"I was about to say, that I still can't accept who it is I am attracted to, but
actually, I can."
Harry closed his eyes tighter at this admission, but he felt completely at
peace with his reasons for wanting to be with Snape, whatever the reaction to
his admission might be.
Snape did not respond immediately, but moved slightly in his seat and cleared
his throat before speaking again.
"You are correct you cannot be disgusted by something that neither attracts you
nor fascinates you, but you must try not to be disgusted by the Dark Lord and
his followers, but we will come back to that when we explore hate."
Harry had hoped that practically telling Snape he was attracted to him would
have turned the conversation to more personal things, but he realised that he
was actually no longer irritated by Snape' calm refusal to respond to anything
personal or indeed having to discuss only his feelings. In fact, he was rather
enjoying doing so. He felt calm and relaxed, and his thoughts were clear and
untroubled. He wondered absently if it was the wine that was making him so
relaxed, and he brought the goblet up to his lips and took another sip.
"You appear to be able to turn anger and fear into their polar opposites and at
least have some understanding of disgust; however, we still need to analyse
hate. Hatred is born out of these three emotions when they are sustained over a
period of time. It is hoped that if you can control these emotions, hatred will
not arise.
"Ok," Harry said slowly. "So these lessons are finished then?"
"Not quite. I would like to test how you would deal with instant hatred and
analyse any current hate you may harbour."
"I thought you said that hatred was bred out of sustained anger, fear and
disgust so what is instant hatred?"
"I will come to that, but I want to deal with long-term established hatred
first. You have mentioned anger, fear, disgust and hatred when talking about
The Dark Lord tonight. Although you seem to have managed to turn the anger and
fear into desire and excitement you must also try to turn the disgust and
hatred into something less destructive."
"I do not hate Voldemort anymore. I used to, very much so, but I have not felt
hate for him since the incident at the ministry... when he possessed me." Harry
stated calmly.
Snape did not respond for some time, and Harry opened his eyes wondering why
the questioning had stopped. Snape was facing him with an openly confused but
surprised look on his face. When their eyes met, Snape schooled his expression
into his usual blank stare.
"What do you feel for him now?" he asked blandly.
"I feel sorry for him." Harry answered immediately.
"You...feel... sorry for him?" the surprised look returned.
"Yes, I feel sorry for him. He does not know what it is to love or be loved,
and he never will."
Snape let out a harsh breath and looked away, seemingly lost in thought for a
moment.
"Do you still wish the Dark Lord dead, even though you no longer hate him?" he
eventually asked.
"Of course I do. When I kill him, I will end his suffering. No-one should live
without friendship or love. I suppose when I think about it, he really doesn't
disgust me either. I genuinely do feel sorry for him."
Snape turned, walked over to the drinks' cabinet, retrieved an old dusty bottle
and poured himself another drink. Once he had taken a sip from his goblet, he
turned and faced Harry again.
Ok," Harry said hesitantly "So what about this instant hate?"
"I am coming to that, but first can you tell me if there is anyone else that
you have ever felt hatred toward, other than me and the Dark Lord?"
"No, not really. I mean I always told myself that I hated my family, but I
didn't really. I loved them, even if they did treat me badly. That sounds crazy
doesn't it, but they took me in when I had no one, it was all I knew, and it
saddened me that I caused them such distress."
Harry took another drink and closed his eyes again, deciding to share something
with Snape that he never thought he would share with anyone.
"You know that I saw someone at St. Mungo's when Sirius died...a psychologist,
yeah?" Harry felt so comfortable speaking to Snape now he really wanted to
share this with him and make him understand a little better. He was the only
person, other than the Headmaster, that knew about his therapy sessions.
Snape nodded for him to continue.
"Well they made me realise that I actually had a very strong attachment to my
family, but my attachment to them was a negative one, you know, not healthy.
She said that it was a common response for someone who is brought up in an
abusive household. Even children who suffer extreme forms of abuse can love
their abusers more than children who were raised in a loving family. I know
that makes no sense rationally, but it explained a number of things about why I
behaved the way I did, why I felt so bad about Sirius death, even though I had
only known him a short time. She did say though that my first year of life
protected me from some of the worst outcomes of insecure attachment disorder.
That's what she called it, an attachment disorder."
Harry was aware he had just revealed something to Snape, that he hadn't even
discussed with his friends, and although was a bit taken aback by his openness,
it was a relief to have shared this with someone.
That was the reason Snape gave me alcohol Harry realised. He gave it to me to
relax and loosen my tongue.
Harry smiled internally at the slyness of the man in front of him, but he could
not feel angry about it. It really was a relief to share this with someone,
even if it was with the most unlikely person he ever thought he would. Harry
snapped out of his thoughts when Snape began talking again.
"Rationality sometimes has no place in one's emotions Harry, especially that of
love. Do you feel you have overcome the problems associated with this
"Disorder"?"
"Yeah, mostly. It will always be there I suppose but having the Weasleys' in m
life helped me realise what a loving family should be about, and Sirius helped
too. I know I gave him my love too quickly, although I don't regret doing so, I
realise it was inappropriate at the time. You see this attachment disorder made
me..."
"I understand about attachment theory Harry. You do not need to explain why it
made you seek comfort and love. I too was raised in a less than loving home.
However, we have digressed from a little from our task. That discussion may or
may not be appropriate some other time. The only thing you need to now learn is
not to hate something or someone when you have no understanding of its purpose
or motivations, to not be so demanding in your need to know what these
motivations are, to find compassion in every situation or deed, even if they
appear to be the most terrible."
Harry nodded. Snape's words made sense, and he felt that if he could remain at
peace with himself, as he did at that moment, doing what Snape said would be
relatively easy.
"Who do you feel the strongest love for at the moment in your life?"
"Emm I suppose it's not one person. I love Ron and Hermione. I love them
equally but for very different reasons."
"What if I was to tell you, your friends had been less than honest with you?
That they had been planted by the Dark Lord to gain your trust, that once you
graduate, they will hand you over to him?"
"I...I wouldn't...believe you," Harry stammered at the awful thought.
"Why not? It is entirely possible. Wormtail was a Death Eater, and he was
chosen by the Dark Lord to infiltrate your fathers group of friends when he was
still in school."
"Ron and Hermione are no Death Eaters," Harry said quietly as a slither of
worry inched into his brain. He had always wondered why his friends put up with
him, and the danger he put him in every year. The relaxed sense of peace
started to waver, and his body tensed.
"No, indeed they are not. Not yet. Neither was Pettigrew whilst he was at
school, but he was, in fact, chosen for his task many years before he became
one."
"Yeah but..."
"There are no buts Potter. What if I could show you proof that your friends
were not as loyal to the light as you may think?"
"I...I...you are lying..."
"How does it make you feel Harry?"
Harry sat up straighter bringing his wine to his lips with a shaky hand.
"Do not drink any more wine Mr. Potter, try to focus on how it makes you feel
to know that your friends are liars and traitors who plan to betray you to the
Dark Lord the moment you are away from the safety of these walls."
"Like you are ripping my heart out... I would...hate them with everything I
have."
"Take your hate Harry, take it, control it, change it. I will ask you again.
How does the betrayal of you friendship make you feel."
"I ...I...uhhh Merlin..."
"Concentrate, control your emotions," Snape drawled in his deep commanding
voice, reminiscent of previous sessions in Occlumency.
"I...I would pity them and their pathetic sorry existence, I...would feel sorry
for them...sorry that their life's would be for nothing... for allowing
themselves to be used by all that is evil and pitiful. Fuck Snape; please tell
me it's not true."
"It is... not true." Snape said slowly and quietly. "Not as far as I am aware
at any rate."
"That was really cruel!" Harry gasped.
"Maybe, but can you see how quickly love can turn to hate when it is wronged?
Even the slightest doubt that your friends may have betrayed you caused a
certain level of anguish. Part of you allowed yourself to believe my words
because you are still insecure in yourself, you do not believe you are worthy
of another's true friendship or love. This is why you must first and foremost
love yourself, find peace with who you are, not allow the need to understand
everyone's motives to rule you. However, you did well in blocking out an
example of how instant hate can come about, even though I am sure you did not
truly believe your friends to be traitors. The true test will come if someone
you love really does betray or disappoint you. You must be careful who you give
your love to, although love must be the defining emotion in all that you do. It
will be a very difficult balance to achieve, especially when love can be used
against you for the purposes of evil."
"Pardon, how can love ever be evil?"
"Love in itself is not evil but those who wish to destroy you could easily use
the love you have for others against you. For example if the Dark Lord could be
vanquished right this minute by you killing one of your friends, would you do
it?"
"Of course not! I would find another way." Harry said shocked at the
suggestion.
Snape raised his eyebrows.
"Really? And risk the life's of many in the process, including the one friend
you choice to protect?"
Harry frowned.
"You see love can result in irrational decisions when the thing you love is
threatened, love can protect but it can also harm. I therefore warn you again,
be careful with whom you give your love."
"Is that why you hate everyone? You know, so you are never put in the position
of making irrational decisions."
"I do not hate everyone Mr Potter, even if that is how it appears." Snape
answered quietly.
"You hate me though, don't you?" Harry didn't think the man did, not really,
not anymore at least. This lesson had gone well and he felt Snape had actually
revealed a lot about himself through his questions and explanations about
Harry's feelings, even if it had been in an indirect round about way.
"This lesson is not about my emotions, it is about yours. The only question
remaining should be whether you still hate me?
Harry smirked "You really are infuriating. If I tell you what I feel then will
you answer my question?"
Snape nodded once.
"Alright, at the moment I do not feel hate toward you. I mean if you tell me
that you did use my sexual attraction to you to purely teach me a lesson, then
yes I think I could, but you said you didn't so no, I don't hate you, I
actually don't know how I feel about you."
"If I told you that I had lied and did use you sexually to garner hate, you
would hate me again?"
"I just told you that I might. Did you?"
Snape just raised his eyebrows "You would allow hatred a place in your heart
for me, even when you do not hate the Dark Lord?"
Harry took a sip of wine and sighed.
"No I suppose I could turn that hate into pity."
"Pity? For successfully teaching you to keep the Dark Lord out your mind?!"
Snape asked incredulously.
"Yes, I would pity you. To be able to use sex just to teach a lesson is
degrading, not only to me but to yourself. It turns it into something that is
disgusting, when it should be the ultimate outward display of
someone's...emm...attraction...to that person." Harry shivered inwardly. He had
almost used the word love in relation to sex, in relation to what had happened
between them.
"Good." Snape simply said.
"You think it is good that I would pity you?" Harry asked a bit surprised.
"Yes. Of course. The Dark Lord has no place in his heart or mind for pity. If
you can quickly turn hatred into compassion, pity, sorrow, call it what you
will, then you have won the battle of shielding your mind."
"Ok, so I must be able to turn negative emotions into positive ones, I get
that, however I am not sure the next time someone really pisses me off I will
be able to do it quickly enough to keep Voldemort out. Like you say emotion is
not always rational."
"I don't think normal levels of anger on its own would be enough to make your
mind an uncomfortable enough place for Dark Lord to be. Your anger tends to be
fleeting and of the righteous sort, you tend to forgive very quickly. It's only
by allowing anger to remain for extended periods of time, giving it time to
fester, to eat away at you, allowing it to grow and mix with other negative
emotions that generally breeds hate and of course being betrayed or let down by
someone you love. It is the later that you have to be more worried about and on
your guard from."
"That's why the Headmaster insisted that it was only you that could teach me
this isn't it? You know because of all the years of anger between us."
"I daresay that was one of his reasons, but the mind of Albus Dumbledore is not
a place even I can ever hope to understand," Snape smirked slightly.
Harry laughed quietly at the unusual candour from Snape. He felt completely
relaxed in the man's presence now, no longer like an errant schoolboy. Even
though they had been discussing things that he hadn't thought they would be
that evening, things that Harry found difficult, he realised he had almost
enjoyed doing so but his mind now turned to finding out more about Snape.
"Can I ask you something now?"
"The answer is yes, I did once hate you Harry, but I have not for a long time."
Snape said plainly but turned his back on him as he spoke and was now staring
into the dying embers of the fire.
"Oh right yeah, actually that was not what I was going to ask, but yeah, it's
nice to know you don't hate me." Harry gave a small smile. He was unsure now
whether to break the mood of talking about how Snape felt, a warm glow
spreading in his gut at knowing he wasn't hated by the man his body craved, his
erection springing back to life at the thought they may have something together
after all.
"Go on Potter, you can ask whatever it is that you think you need to know, but
I make no promises that the answer will be what you want to hear."
"Ok ermmm, it isn't a question about what happened between us actually. I was
going to ask you how you keep Voldemort out. I don't mean to sound rude, but
love really isn't an emotion I would easily associate with you, and if he uses
hate to gain access..."
Snape turned and sat beside Harry and faced him slightly. "I never said he uses
negative emotions to gain access; it only makes it a more comfortable place for
him to be. In your case there seems to be a link to your mind without the need
for casting Legilimency. Only through making your mind something he cannot
understand do you have a hope of keeping him from seeing your thoughts and
memories."
"Ok but that does not answer my question since I was under the impression the
Dark Mark created a similar link to a Death Eaters mind."
"You are correct. However, if I was to fill my mind with positive emotion, I
believe he would grow suspicious, but he also does not expect to find no
emotion, which is what Occlumency achieves. Therefore, I use Occlumency to hide
the truth, together with the controlled emotion method when I find
it...challenging to hate something he would expect me to hate. In effect, I
turn care, compassion and even love, into disregard, cold heartedness and
hate." A sad look entered Snape's eyes as he spoke.
"God that's...that's awful!" Harry exclaimed.
"It is necessary," Snape said matter-of-factly. He stood abruptly and returned
to his position in front of the fire.
"It is now past curfew Mr. Potter, and since I believe our lesson is at an end,
you should return to Gryffindor Tower."
Harry scowled, but he was not angry at Snape, he couldn't be, in fact, the sad
resignation in the man's voice made him feel a desire to make Snape smile.
"That was not the deal. You promised me we would discuss other matters once I
had told you how I felt." Harry spoke quietly as he rose from his seat.
"Indeed I did. However, I believe I have given you enough to think about for
one night. It is best that you leave." Snape picked up his forgotten goblet of
whisky, and concentrated on swirling the amber liquid.
Harry quickly tipped the last of the remaining wine from his goblet into his
mouth, and grimaced. There was a heavy sediment at the bottom, and he turned
slightly, not wanting Snape to see him, and spat it back out before he placed
the goblet on the table.
Once the bitter taste had subsided, he turned to look at Snape for a moment and
thought about how he felt about the man in front of him, and how he was going
to persuade him to talk about what was happening between them.
"I need to know Sir. I need to know why you kissed me that first night, why you
took me to your bed."
Harry advanced a little further toward the rigid Professor. His desire to be in
the man's arms was now almost unbearable.
"Why do you feel you need to know?" Snape spoke each word slowly his eyes
closed briefly, before reopening gradually, and focused on Harry rather than
the goblet in his hands, which he now gripped tightly.
Harry returned the gaze, pleading with his eyes as he continued moving forward
slowly.
"I need to understand you better...otherwise I will always doubt you...
otherwise these lessons will not have been truly successful...otherwise I will
not be able to find peace with this one last thing."
Snape let out a breath as though it was his last, and dropped his eyes back to
his hands.
"Have you not understood what I told you? You must stop this incessant need to
understand someone's motivations... otherwise you increase the risk of feeling
hatred, and you invite unnecessary distress if you do not receive the answer
you hoped for."
Harry took another hesitant step closer as Snape continued talking. The deep
tone of his voice made him shiver slightly and he wondered why he had never
noticed how sexy his voice was before.
"Is it not enough to know that I did not plan to kiss you, and I certainly did
not plan to have you in my bed?"
Harry sighed.
"I suppose it's going to have to be enough. It doesn't change the fact that I
would like to understand you better, get to know you."
Snape raised both his eyebrows. His eyes were questioning, almost disbelieving.
"You do not wish to know me Mr. Potter. Now please, you must go. It is late."
"I can make my way back without being seen. Please Professor, let me stay a
little longer. I may not need to understand you, but I really do want to."
Snape snorted.
"Who would have thought it? Harry Potter asking to stay longer in the presence
of his most hated Potions Mater."
"I do not hate you." Harry said quietly with feeling.
"No of course you don't. Not feeling hatred was our goal after all." Snape
spoke as quietly as Harry, trying to sound dismissive.
"I have never hated you, apart from Thursday night last week that is."
"You expect me to believe that. Our mutual hatred for each other is renowned."
"I do not believe you have ever truly hated me either, in fact, you said as
much earlier."
Harry had closed the remaining distance between them as they spoke and pressed
his body against the rigid frame in front of him, slowly raising his arms and
circling them around Snape's neck, never breaking eye contact.
"Harry, please stop. You would not be doing this if you hadn't just downed the
remainder of your Draught of Peace a moment ago."
Harry smirked and raised an eyebrow.
"I think you will find that I am. I didn't drink it. I spat it out again before
I returned the goblet to the table. I realised what it was when I got to the
bottom, and the sediment shimmered a very distinct turquoise blue."
Snape's looked obviously startled by the admission, his mouth opening slightly
as if to speak, but no words came out.
Harry stretched up and gently pressed his lips against the slightly open ones
above him, then pulled back again but kept his arms around Snape's neck.
"I am not so much of a dunderhead that I can't recognise a potion that I made a
few days ago."
"You really are full of yourself, aren't you Mr. Potter? I always said you were
an..." there was no malice in the tone of voice in which Snape spoke, indeed
his eyes burned with humour, and his body relaxed slightly, but Harry cut him
off with another small kiss.
"You really know how to make a guy feel special, don't you?" Harry whispered
against the warm mouth.
"I wasn't about to compliment you." Snape said quietly, his lips brushing
against Harry's own as he spoke,
"Just as well I don't want you to give me any then, isn't it?"
Snape let out a choked laugh.
"Brat," he said through a small smile as he circled his arms around Harry's
waist and pulled him in close.
"Git," Harry returned before closing his eyes. Their lips met in a passionate
slow kiss, and their bodies melted into each other in mutual understanding and
acceptance.
A/N I know really cruel... but since a couple of my reader have asked me very
nicely on FB to include it I will continue from where I left off in the next
chapter! Please review, pretty please LOL. It really did give me a headache to
write and I need to know what you guys think!
Oh if you want to follow me on FB you can add me as a friend my username is
LeviosaHex.
***** Decisions *****
A/N Ok so this story has taken a weird turn on me. If you are expecting a short
and sweet ending to this story this is not it (Sorry – I might write another
ending for those of you who want the story to end already as I said it would in
the beginning!) For those of you following me on FB (LeviosaHex) you will know
this chapter has been through various revisions and versions. The original plan
for this story was for it to a short single plotline story that looked at basic
human emotion. Anyway that plan went out the window when my muse had a bit of a
crazy turn last week and this chapter grew into a monster. (18500 words) to be
precise! So after removing the introduction of another plotline and cutting it
back to the basic story again...I didn't like it and the new idea wouldn't
leave me. So I have decided to go with the longer version. However since this
chapter has turned into a monster and still needs some serious editing I have
decided to post it in two parts. This part is the shorter of the 2 (Sorry to
those who requested the long version all at once but I really won't have time
this weekend to edit the rest but promise to ost the last and final chapter
next week!)
I would really really like feedback on what you think and whether you want this
story to continue, although after this chapter and the next I would probably
make it a sequel... anyway please review! LHxx
Chapter 8 - Decisions
Day 9
O200 hrs Gryffindor Tower
Harry listened to the gentle noises of sleep as he crept past Ron's sleeping
form. He had just reluctantly returned from the dungeons under his invisibility
cloak, with his cock throbbing, and his balls heavy and painful. Casting a
silencing charm around his bed he quickly undressed and lay down on the cool
burgundy cotton sheets. He would rather have been lying on green silk with
Snape, but the infuriating man had sent away to think. Harry ran his hands over
his chest and abdomen as he closed his eyes and replayed the night's events in
his mind. His fingers brushed over his swollen nipples and the raised red marks
that adorned his body; marks that had been made by Snape as he had sucked and
kissed him into the painful hardness he now found himself. He must have been
aroused for almost 24 hours straight, Harry thought as his hands lowered to
grasp is needy cock and cup his balls. Snape had not touched him there all
night, even though Harry had practically begged him to. The obstinate man
refused to listen to Harry insisting that they both needed more time to think
about what entering into a sexual relationship would mean for them both, to
decide if that was what they both wanted. He also said that he didn't want the
first time they had sex to be under the influence of any alcohol or mood
enhancing potions, if indeed they both decided that was indeed what they
wanted. Harry had been adamant he felt no effects from either the wine or the
potion he had drunk earlier but Snape was stubborn and refused to budge. In
some ways Harry was glad Severus had sent him away. Physically, it was as
frustrating as hell; mentally, however, it made him feel as though the older
wizard really did care for him, making Harry want him all the more, his
decision to be with Severus had been already made as far as he was concerned,
regardless of the consequences.
Moving his hand slowly over his sensitive cock he pulled back his foreskin and
allowed memories of thrusting against Severus' hard cock through tight jeans
and thick woollen trousers to flood his mind. Running his thumb over the
exposed head he imagined it was Snape's hand on him rather than his own and
wondered what it would feel like to have sex with a bloke. He knew it must feel
good from some of the conversations he had overheard from the Weasley twins,
but he really couldn't imagine how it could be pleasant having something shoved
up his arse. The fingers cupping his tight balls crept backward toward his
entrance and probed at the tight puckered skin as his other hand continued to
slowly stroke his hard length. Gently pushing the tip of one finger in, he
hissed at the slight burning sensation it caused. Lubricant, he thought as he
removed the probing digit, rolled over, and retrieved a small tube of plain
lubricating jelly he had bought in a muggle pharmacy from his bedside table.
Once the lubricant was smeared over his fingers, he resumed his cautious
probing. His finger slid in fairly easily this time but only so far, but he
moved it around a little and thrust it in and out. Harry thought the sensation
was all right, but nowhere near as good as having his hand wrapped round his
cock. Keeping the finger half buried in his arse he concentrated again on
stroking himself, and groaned softly as his balls tightened and sensation built
quickly. Tilting his hips up and away from the bed, he quickened the pace as he
fucked his own clenched fist, almost forgetting about the finger in his arse.
The change in position made his finger slip in to the knuckle. Harry just about
screamed in surprise as it gently brushed over a certain spot deep inside him.
"What the...Fuck" he gasped, slowing the pace of the hand on his cock,
concentrating instead on the finger in his arse; desperate to see if he could
find that spot again. He thrust harder and deeper with his finger, and grew
frustrated when he could not find it again. He cautiously added a second
finger, in an attempt to reach the allusive spot, and flinched at the resulting
pain, but as he breathed out again his muscles relaxed around the two intruding
digits, and the pain dissipated. The need for release was now becoming
unbearable, so he gave up searching for what had given him that jolt of
pleasure and resumed stroking his cock fast and hard, although he kept the two
fingers deeply buried in his arse. He decided that he quite liked the sensation
of being filled and wanted to have at least some understanding of what it felt
like to be fucked by a man before it happened.
As he neared completion his hips tilted upward once more, straining for
release. The fingers in his arse pressed against that something deep inside him
again, this time harder.
"Fuck" Harry screamed, as sparks of electricity shot from his prostate straight
to his tight balls, making them tighten further, each down stroke on his cock
he now matched with a tilt of his hips and a hard inward thrust with his
fingers. Tingling sparks of electricity coursed through his body making it
difficult for him to breathe, each shallow breath a low grunt. The familiar
feeling of impending release gripped him quickly, and his body was rigid and
straining when it overcame him. Thick spurts of cum shot out his swollen prick
emptying his built up tension and frustration in hot hard spurts. The muscles
in his arse clenched tight around his fingers, but he continued to fuck them,
riding out wave after wave of his intense orgasm. A loud groan escaped him as
the last wave faded away, his heart pounding, his muscles now limp as he
slumped back against his bed panting. A few minutes past as he tried to slow
his breathing and calm his pounding heart with his hand still wrapped around
his softening cock and his fingers still buried deep.
Looking down at his quivering body he saw the evidence of his orgasm splattered
on his chest and closed his eyes.
"Holy fucking mother of Merlin" he muttered as the power of thought and speech
returned, he had never experienced an orgasm like it and was amazed at Snape's
level of restraint. If real sex was as good as that, then he knew he would find
it difficult not to have it every night.
Quickly cleaning himself up he pushed away thoughts of having sex with Snape,
he needed to sleep. His body was a quivering mess and he was completely
exhausted, but his mind was at peace with the knowledge he wanted Severus more
than ever.
0830hrs
"Harry!" the voice of his friend woke him from a deep sleep.
Groaning he pulled the covers over his head.
"Harry! You need to wake up. You have missed breakfast again you lazy sod. You
need to get ready for Potions." Ron shook him roughly by the shoulder.
Harry sat bolt upright in his bed, the smiling face of Ron coming into focus as
he placed his glasses on his nose.
"I thought that might waken you. You don't want to be late for the Greasy
Bastard again do you? He might actually hex you this time if you wander in
late...looking like that again!" Ron wrinkled his nose although he was still
smiling.
"What?" Harry's sleep fogged brain scrambled to make sense of his friend's
words.
"I said you don't want to be late for Snape's class."
"Oh yeah... Potions," Harry stammered.
"Are you going to tell me who it is you are shagging mate?" Ron openly laughed.
"Eh? Shagging? What are you talking about?" Harry replied as he swung his legs
out of bed, getting a whiff of stale sweat and cum as he did so. He realised
too late that he was completely naked.
"Yeah, shagging! I might not be as clever or as observant as Hermione, but
Merlin, I am not stupid. You come back here at god knows what time this
morning, you stink of sex, and you are covered in love bites!" Ron's eyes
flickered over Harry's body as he spoke.
Harry glanced down at his naked torso, seeing the bright-red marks Severus had
given him the night before and grabbed his top sheet, belatedly trying to cover
himself.
"Oh yeah mmmm well I ... I am not shagging anyone Ron!"
Ron shook his head and laughed again.
"Whatever mate, but you better get your arse moving. Snape will have a fit if
you don't!"
Harry smiled at the thought of the Snape and his arse. Ron looked at him in
confusion.
"Oh yeah. Emm thanks Ron for wakening me." Harry tried to look serious whilst
attempting to stifle a laugh.
"I brought you up a bacon sandwich since you missed breakfast." Ron indicated
toward a small study desk beside the window near his bed where Harry could see
a sandwich and a glass of juice waiting for him.
"Thanks Ron you are a life saver," Harry said with more feeling. His friend
shook his head and laughed again as he left the dorm. Harry really did have
good friends, he realised although he wasn't so sure Ron would still be his
friend if he knew who it was that had given him the marks, but he really didn't
care anymore. If his friends couldn't accept who he was and who he wanted, then
they were not true friends, and he would find some that were.
Harry rushed off to the bathroom and jumped in the shower, letting the hot
water scorch his skin. He thought over last night and the eight days that had
led up to it. He had learnt so much about himself in that short time that he
almost felt like a different person. He knew who he was now, or more accurately
he accepted who he was, and actually wanted to be him rather than someone else.
He wanted to fulfil his purpose, and he couldn't wait until school finished so
he could do just that.
Leaving school no longer scared him - far from it. He was excited by the
prospect of finally getting to hunt out Voldemort and the pieces of his evil
fragmented soul. Harry couldn't say the prospect made him happy, but he was
definitely more at peace with it. He had Severus to thank for his change in
attitude toward his life, Harry realised.
Severus, Harry thought. It was easy to think of the Professor as Severus Harry
realised. Severus was a different person to the one he had called Snape all
these years. Oh he was still as much the sharp tongued snarky git he had always
been, but there was a hidden depth to Snape that no one ever got to see. But
Harry had seen it. There was a lost man hidden beneath the layers of billowing
robes, scornful scowls and cold empty eyes; a man who cared, a man who yearned
for love as much as he yearned to give love, a man who stood for everything
that was light as much as Snape represented the dark.
Severus Harry thought again, but this time a wide smile broke out over his
face, and his cock hardened just thinking about the way they had kissed and
touched the previous night.
"Oh god," Harry muttered, as he curled his hand around his cock, quickly
pushing back the foreskin and running his thumb over the sensitive gland. He
set a fast pace of firm strokes as he pictured Severus kissing him, licking
every inch of his upper body, biting him, sucking him, marking him. God how he
wanted to be back in Snape's arms right now, how he wanted to feel that amazing
mouth on his, the way he had last night, with a slow passionate kiss that
turned hot, demanding and frenzied. He wanted to feel those pale hands run
under his tee-shirt, caressing him, teasing him, making him arch into the
touch. He wanted to feel his hard toned naked chest press and move against him
as his nipples were sucked and licked. His pace quickened as he felt his
impending orgasm rush through him.
"Severus!" Harry shouted as he came, the water cascading from the shower above
instantly washing away the evidence. The climax had been nowhere near as
intense as the night before, more like the orgasms he'd had in the past when
masturbating, but rather than finding himself satisfied as previously, it left
him wanting more. Remembering he had classes to get to he soaped up his hair
and body and rinsed off quickly. Grabbing a towel once finished, Harry headed
back to the dorm thanking all the gods that his dorm mates were all out when he
realised he had not warded the door to the showers when he came in. Not that it
was uncommon to walk into the communal shower to find someone tossing off, but
he would rather not be discovered like that whilst covered in love bites and
shouting out for Snape. Severus really would hex him if it got out they
were...he didn't know what they were actually. Were they together? Could they
be together? Harry didn't know, but he was going to make the man listen to him
today. He would not be pushed away again if he could help it. Having made his
decision to be with Severus, it made him more determined to make him listen
than he had ever been about anything before.
As he left the bathroom, he caught a glimpse of himself in a full-length mirror
and gasped. His lips were dry and swollen and there were angry red marks
running, from just below his ears, down to his waist. Darting into the dorm
Harry picked up his wand and quickly cast a few healing charms that would
remove any marks that would be visible when dressed before throwing on his
school clothes. Forgetting about his bacon sandwich he ran out of Gryffindor
tower, and toward the dungeons. He knew he was going to make it on time if he
ran as fast as he could, but he wasn't sure if he really wanted to. If he was
late it would give Severus an excuse to give him more detentions, but he
decided being late wasn't the answer; he knew the Professor found lateness rude
and a sign of an undisciplined mind. He ran faster and approached the classroom
just as the door slammed open.
"You're cutting it fine mate," Ron whispered, "and if I didn't know better I
would think you were beginning to like being in detention."
"Don't be ridiculous," Harry said through panting gasps as he tried to recover
from the sprint from Gryffindor tower.
Taking his seat Harry's eyes darted to the front of the classroom and
immediately met with Severus' blank stare. Harry gave him a small, barely
noticeable, smile but Severus didn't seem to notice as his eyes wandered over
Harry's exposed neck area.
Making sure I don't look like I been with a whore Harry thought with amusement.
I want you to mark me again when you make love to me tonight Severus. I want to
feel your cock inside me Harry thought as he stared into the dark eyes which
finally snapped up to meet his.
Surprise flickered through the inky depths, and eyebrows shot up before an
intense questioning frown crossed his features.
Harry broke the eye contact after a few moments, wondering if Severus had been
reading his thoughts.
"What was that about mate?" Ron whispered in his ear a few seconds later once
Severus had moved away.
Harry shrugged, not lifting his eyes from staring at his hands. He felt
Hermione kick his chair from her position behind him, but he ignored her; he
knew she would be wearing a reproachful look to remind him about her warning to
be more careful.
Snape waved his wand at the blackboard, and instructions for the potion they
would be making that morning, appeared, and if the groans had anything to go
by, it was a complicated one. Harry still didn't look up, since he was
desperately trying to will away his growing erection that had started the
moment he had seen Severus.
"Silence!" Snape snapped.
"This potion is complex and dangerous. However, if you have any hope of passing
your NEWT in this subject, you better get used to this level of brewing. Follow
the instructions on the board if you want to have half a chance of success, and
not the ones in your book. Now begin."
There were quiet mutters around the class as everyone stood to retrieve the
required ingredients, and Harry lifted his eyes to look over at Severus, who
was standing in front of his desk watching the students form a neat line in
front of the storage room. The black eyes slowly moved and met Harry's gaze,
but he broke it quickly and strode over to the door that lead to his office in
a billow of robes.
"Potter. In here now," Snape commanded as he snatched open the door and flicked
his head toward his office.
Harry jumped at the sudden venom in Snape's voice and stared at the sneering
Professor.
"Hurry up Potter, I don't have all day," Snape growled.
Harry walked toward the office door and followed the Severus inside. The door
slammed closed behind him and silencing charms were erected the instant he
passed over the threshold.
"What in Merlin's name was that about?" Severus asked with genuine shock on his
face.
"I...I don't know what you mean..." Bugger he had been reading my mind, Harry
thought, but why is he so shocked? It isn't like there has never been anything
sexual between us.
Severus paced the area directly in front of his desk.
"I heard your thoughts Potter, don't try to tell me you didn't know!" Severus
spat out in clear agitation.
"So you were reading my mind. God Severus, last night you wouldn't let me tell
you how I felt, but this morning you just invade my mind and take my thoughts
without ..."
Snape cut Harry off, "I did not invade your mind, you imbecile. You pushed your
hormonal irrational thoughts into mine!"
"What? I did not push anything into your mind! You must have cast a Legilimens,
or something. You were looking at me enough," Harry tried to smile and raised a
suggestive eyebrow.
"Are you completely stupid? Surely, you of all people should know I cannot cast
a nonverbal Legilimens, and that Legilimency does not work that way. It does
not give access to current thoughts like reading a book. Do you not remember
anything I taught you two years ago?"
"Severus, please calm down. You are being a bit of a git, and I don't know what
it is I am supposed to have done, " Harry said calmly.
"What you just did, defies all known boundaries of even the darkest of magic,
and you have the audacity to call me a git because I am angry! You clearly do
not have the remotest understanding of the seriousness of your actions. What on
earth possessed you even to try planting your thoughts in my mind, you idiotic
boy? Do you have any idea at all how dangerous mind magic is?" Severus looked
beyond angry, his face almost purple with rage as he ranted at him.
"Dark magic? What the hell are you talking about? I did not intentionally make
you hear my thoughts. The potions classroom isn't my ideal place to tell you
how I feel, although I am not so sure how the hell I feel about you now," Harry
could feel anger start to grip him. "You are being an unreasonable prat, and
yes I am fully aware how dangerous all forms of mind magic can be, or have you
forgotten that I have had my mind invaded more times that the whole fucking
wizarding world put together!"
"Unreasonable! You think I am being unreasonable? I have just had an
irresponsible boy break through my mind shields and plant thoughts that are not
my own in my head. How the hell do you expect me to behave?" Severus was
seething.
"I didn't do it intentionally! I didn't even know such a thing was possible,
and I expect you to at least be civil to me, Severus!" Harry spat out.
"I will be civil to you Potter, when you start acting and behaving in a manner
that is worthy of civility. Using this skill is worse than casting the
Imperius. You can make people believe anything you want them to believe, you
can make them do almost anything, whilst they fully think it was their own idea
to do so."
Harry's anger dissipated a little at the thought of being able to control
someone's actions by just thinking.
"You seem to know an awful lot about something that is so dark it goes beyond
the boundaries of even the darkest of magic. I presume I am not the only person
that can do what you claim I did?" Harry asked, dreading the answer.
"Oh indeed you are not. There is one other." Severus said quietly his anger
seeming to dissipate as quickly as Harry's "It just so happens that it is how
the Dark Lord managed to recruit so many Death Eaters when he was so young. He
manipulated their thoughts, planted ideas that were not their own, but did it
in a way that his victims believed them to be so. However, he has never managed
to get past my defences in this manner."
Harry frowned "I...I...never meant to ...invade your mind Severus...I was just
thinking...well god you know what I was thinking, and when you were standing
there looking at me, you know, checking me out, it made me even more determined
to make you understand how much I want you."
Severus narrowed his eyes, and peered at Harry as though he was a strange new
specimen he had found, before snapping his eyes away and siting down heavily in
his chair.
Harry felt a little disconcerted that he seemed to have yet another unusual
skill that Voldemort had, but he wasn't actually too worried about it. He knew
he would never use it to make people do things, and he appeared to be in full
control of what thoughts he sent and to whom.
"Do you think anyone else in the class heard my thoughts?" Harry asked
worriedly, as he wondered if his thoughts had been broadcasted to more than
just Severus.
Severus was lost in thought and did not appear to hear what Harry had asked.
"Severus?" Harry said as he walked behind the Professor's desk and placed a
hand on the man's tense shoulder.
Severus jumped at his touch, but Harry did not remove his hand, instead he
tightened his grip and massaged a hard knot that he found there.
"I asked if you thought anyone else would have heard what I thought." Harry
repeated.
"I cannot be certain but I don't think so. I am sure there would have been some
sort of reaction if the whole class instantly had stupid irrational thoughts
about wanting my cock up their arse" Severus said with no humour. "The Dark
Lord can only send specific thoughts to one individual at a time. However, your
own ability appears to be stronger."
"You think I am being stupid and irrational just because I thought about
wanting you?" Snape's words were beginning to tire him; they stung when they
were in relation to their private relationship.
"Of course wanting such a thing from me is stupid and irrational! Even you must
be able to see that. However, I am not about to discuss what it is you think
you want from me at this time. There are more important things to deal with
than a silly schoolboy crush. We kissed, it was no big deal, it meant nothing,
and the sooner you get any idiotic ideas out of your head about lying in my bed
"making love" the better." Severus voice was cold and hard.
Harry stopped massaging Snape shoulders and snatched his hands away. He felt
like someone had just punched him in the gut.
"Fuck, you really are a total bastard, aren't you?" Harry said with pain clear
in his tone.
Snape stood, "I would remind you to watch your language Potter. I am still your
Professor and you are still my student. I should never have allowed those
boundaries to become unclear."
"Unclear? It was perfectly clear last night what you wanted, or do I have to
remind you?" Harry snatched his tie off and quickly unbuttoned his shirt as he
spoke, revealing the numerous bright-red bruises and teeth marks all over his
upper body. "I think these make it perfectly clear that the boundaries no
longer exist, and I will talk to you as I goddamn well please when we are
discussing personal matters, Severus."
Snape froze looking at the marks on Harry's torso, and his eyes closed against
the sight.
"Button up your shirt Potter. We cannot discuss this here," Snape said quietly
all venom gone. "The matter of your ability to plant thoughts into the minds of
others needs to be analysed. Therefore, yet again, something other than
personal matters must take priority. Something that is all too common when
serving in the front line of a war."
The quiet, almost apologetic tone of Snape's voice, calmed Harry a little, but
he was unsure whether Snape was sorry for giving him the marks in the first
place, or for speaking to him the way he had, but by the look now in the other
man's eyes it was the latter. The black orbs burned with a sad desire making
Harry want to take the man in his arms and kiss the sadness away.
"I can understand why you are worried Severus, but I have no intention of
controlling anyone's mind," Harry said quietly, pushing the topic of their
relationship to the side for the moment. Severus was right, this was not the
time nor place for this type of discussion.
Snape watched as Harry slowly buttoned up his shirt and sighed.
"I am sure you do not, but a skill of this magnitude is dangerous, regardless
of how you intend to use it. We must inform Albus immediately, since I cannot
risk testing this alone. I have no idea how much you could weaken my defences
inadvertently."
"Ok, but what do we tell the headmaster, I mean we can't tell him we found out
because I was thinking about how much I want you to ...you know," Harry blushed
slightly at the thought of having to explain his thoughts to Dumbledore.
"Indeed, that would not be the best way to begin the conversation. We will tell
him that you wanted to let me know how much you..." Severus sighed, "pity me, I
suppose, since hate is not an option."
"Can we not make it a little less negative?"
"No, you must be able to keep up the appearance of hating me to the outside
world, as I must appear to hate you. To do otherwise puts my position, as a spy
for the Order, at risk. Although, to the Headmaster, you obviously must display
your hate for me as pity. "
Harry growled in frustration "But I don't hate you Severus, and I don't pity
you. I...I...want people to know that we are at least friends now," a steely
determination entered Harry's voice.
"You still want us to be...friends, even after the way I have spoken to you
this morning?" Severus asked incredulously.
"Words Severus, that's all they were, words. Not that they didn't hurt because
they do. They were rather cruel, but I do not believe you truly meant them."
"Then you really are an irrational fool, I am not a very pleasant man Harry."
"I know, but you are rather sexy when you get angry, the more you try to make
me angry, the more I want you." Harry stepped closer to Severus.
"I am not trying to make you angry Harry, although it is rather disturbing that
you no longer seem to be able to be angered by my words since I must continue
saying them, regardless of whether I mean them or not."
"But you don't mean them, do you?" Harry asked quietly as he quickly closed the
distance between them.
Severus sighed "You really are an incorrigible brat."
"And you really are a complete git." Harry smiled as he stretched up and kissed
him.
A/N: I really really love your feedback, so tell me what you think and whether
you want this story to continue, so please review! Pretty Please!
Below is an answer to some comments and questions I have had from readers if
you are interested...
Some of my readers really have made me think by asking some questions after the
last chapter. Basically they have asked if I believed there was no place for
other emotions in the world other than the few I have so far analysed in this
story. I use the word analysed loosely since this is obviously no academic
work. Anyway this made me think about what I was writing and turn back to what
initially gave me the idea, which was a number of academic research papers on
the physiology of human emotion. (I know, nowhere near as captivating as good
old fanfiction but hey it's my job!) Anyway whilst writing a paper on these
latest research papers I turned to old established works of such as Izard, C.
E. (1977) Human emotions; Parrott, W. (2001) Emotions in Social Psychology;
Plutchik, R. (1980) A general psychoevolutionary theory of emotion; Tomkins, S.
S. (1984) Affect Theory; Steinberg, R. J. (2003) A Duplex Theory of Hate. and
Watson, J. B. (1930) Behaviorism.
Although there are differences in these writings, as there are in any writing
that attempts to theorise on the realms of human behaviour and the emotions
that motivate it, there is none-the-less a common theme of there being only a
few core primary emotions. Izard names 10 whereas Watson only named 3. Now we
all know that there are many more than just 10 emotions right? But are there?
Indignation for example is an emotion defined as anger against unjust, unworthy
or mean actions or words of others. Yearning is often defined as a persistent
melancholy desire for something that has been lost or never gained and is
linked with grief and sadness as well as excitement and joy. So is indignation
just a word used for anger caused by a specific external stimuli? Is yearning
another word for desire? These are not questions I can rightly answer, all of
us perceive and have experienced emotion differently due to our different
genetic makeup, social and life experiences, to name a few. Anway, I digress.
So, yes I personally believe there are more emotions than just the 10 mentioned
by Izard but are they primary or are can they be categorised under a main
heading making them secondary or tertiary or are they a combination of
emotions.? Hate for example is a not a primary emotion (according to the Parrot
(2001) although this is refuted in other works) but is firstly categorised
under that of anger as a tertiary emotion. However others combine anger, fear
and disgust to explain hate (Steinberg (2003)). As you can see there is no one
agreed model that categorises emotion, Indeed love in western societies is
linked with joy whereas in others it is liked more closely with sadness...
social learning and norms play a huge part in how we feel, what makes us feel
and indeed what out reactions to these emotions will ultimately be.
My inane rambling therefore are in some ways personal and in others based
loosely on recognised theory but are highly unlikely to shed any new light on
this complex topic.
So why did I use the ones I did... well they fitted my story nicely and
secondly I could easily look to known psychological models and physiological
responses to stimuli to say what I wanted whilst not pushing the boundaries of
the imagination too far for it to seem plausible. Like I said earlier this is
no academic work and I have taken liberties with established theories and bent
them slightly in places to make them fit but have hopefully not taken it so far
it is unbelievable.
Sooo to answer the question from one reviewer I cannot contact directly (the
site they reviewed on doesn't have a messaging facility) yes I do believe that
my characterisation of Snape feels everything in minute detail including the
emotions you mentioned but he controls them instantly out of the need to
protect himself and yes it is a sad world he lives in. My personal opinion on
emotion is that human emotion is made up of a few core primary emotions...that
combine and can make others...but that is obviously up for debate!
Anyway I have rambled enough but I want to thank all my readers and reviewers;
your questions made me think and look at what I am writing more closely! LHxx
***** Determination *****
Warnings: Male/Male sexual content... lots of it! Oh and the fact it hasn't all
been edited/grammer checked yet... but ran out of time and wont be able to
write for a couple of weeks so thought I would give ou what I have...
Chapter 9 Determination
Day 9 Cont.
0940hrs Snape's Office/Potions Classroom
Severus pushed Harry away, shook his head and scowled.
"That was completely foolish Potter," he said, his scowl deepening when Harry
smiled.
"Maybe, but you can't tell me you didn't like it," Harry replied smoothly as
his eyes travelled down to Severus' groin.
Severus grunted and whipped his voluminous robes around himself, covering his
obvious arousal. "That is completely irrelevant. Given our current
circumstance, kissing me is highly inappropriate. We must talk to the
Headmaster immediately and return to class before it's more than just Miss
Granger that notices something strange about your hormonal behaviour toward
me," Severus said harshly as he strode to the fireplace and threw in a handful
of floo powder. "The Headmasters Office," he muttered, continuing to scowl at
Harry who laughed at his obvious discomfort.
The voice of the Headmaster filled the room a moment later. "Severus, is
everything alright?"
"Albus, can you come through? I have some disturbing news I think you should
hear immediately; however, I have a class of incompetent idiots currently
brewing a potentially lethal potion and cannot leave," Severus said into the
fire.
"Certainly," Albus said mildly. The fire flared green a moment later, and
Dumbledore gracefully stepped out.
"Ah Harry! Nice to see you. I was actually planning to send you a message this
morning. I would like to have a chat with you later tonight, if you can spare a
moment of your time for an old man that is."
"Oh, of course Sir," Harry replied, cursing under his breath, his smile now
gone. He wanted to spend time with Severus tonight; he was determined to make
the stubborn git listen to him, but he could not refuse to meet with
Dumbledore.
Dumbledore turned his attention to the scowling Potions Master whose robes were
still wrapped around him tightly, "Severus, what is so urgent, you risk leaving
your students alone?"
"It is Potter. Yet again he has flouted all known boundaries of magic and has
displayed another disturbing skill. A skill, if not controlled could cause
endless trouble, since the boy is incapable of ordered thought or control,"
Snape sneered.
Harry struggled not to roll his eyes at the barbed comments. Words, he told
himself. Words, that's all they were.
"Really Severus. I am sure young Harry here is quite capable of controlling
himself when not provoked unnecessarily," Dumbledore said peering over his
glasses in reprimand.
Snapped snorted in derision. "You seem to labouring under the false impression
that Potter has the control and maturity..."
Severus' rant was broken short with someone banging urgently on the office
door.
The panicked voice of a student came through the thick wood. "Professor Snape!
Professor Snape!"
Severus' swore under his breath and darted to the door, flinging it open just
in time to cast a protection shield around Ron's cauldron, which was smoking
and bubbling dangerously. It exploded a second later. Harry and Dumbledore
followed the irate Potions Master into the classroom, and watched as he strode
toward a pale looking Ron.
"Into my office now, you imbecile," Snape snapped. "The Headmaster will give
you an antidote for smoke inhalation, which is on my desk especially for idiots
like you Weasley. The rest of you can turn off your cauldrons and leave.
Quietly."
The Headmaster disappeared back into Snape's office with Ron staggering behind
him. However, before the antidote could be administered, Ron collapsed on the
floor unconscious.
"What were you brewing Harry?" Dumbledore asked as he peered at the vial he had
retrieved from Severus' desk.
"Oh I don't know ermm... I have been in here since the beginning of class,"
Harry said worriedly looking at his prone friend.
"Ask Severus how much of this antidote I need to give Mr. Weasley," Dumbledore
instructed as he unstoppered the vial and smelt it.
Harry ran back to the classroom to see Severus waving his wand over the smoking
mess, which had once been Ron's desk, muttering quietly. Harry presumed he was
casting some sort of containment and cleaning spell.
"Se...Professor Snape?" Harry stammered not wanting to interrupt the continual
incantations.
Snape ignored him. Harry could feel the eyes of his classmates on him as they
stilled in their task of putting away books and turning off cauldrons.
"Professor Snape," Harry repeated louder this time.
Severus growled, and stopped muttering, but never removed his eyes from the
still spreading black mass on the floor.
"Not now Harry, I need to contain this first," he snapped distractedly, and
started the incantations again immediately after speaking.
Oh shit, Harry thought as he heard mutters and shocked gasps from the students
still remaining at the use of his first name.
"But Professor, how m..."
"I said not now!"
Harry closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and pushed his question into Severus
mind, ignoring the fact there was people still watching him. I need to know how
much of the antidote to give Ron. Oh and don't call me Harry! Severus tensed
and flinched slightly before responding, "All of it Potter, you imbecile!"
Snape barked between spells, emphasising 'Potter' in a sneering tone. Harry
turned back toward the Headmaster, who was kneeling down beside Ron, pouring
the whole vial of antidote into his mouth. He had obviously heard the
interaction between him and Severus.
Ron coughed and spluttered moments after the potion had been administered,
"Bloody Hell! Potions are going to be the death of me," he said as soon as he
regained consciousness.
"I am sure Professor Snape would not allow that to happen, Mr. Weasley,"
Dumbledore replied to the disorientated boy lying at his feet. Ron snorted
derisively.
"Up you get, I am sure you are just fine now, but I suggest you head over to
the infirmary just to make sure. Harry, you go with him, I think I have worked
out what it is you and Severus want to discuss. I will get his version of
events first and join you in the Infirmary later," Dumbledore said before
sweeping out into the classroom.
Harry watched him go but was a little worried that he wouldn't be present when
Severus informed the Headmaster about his ability to transfer thoughts. They
were going to have to lie about what he had been thinking, and Harry didn't
have a clue what Severus was going to tell the Headmaster he had heard.
"What the hell's going on with you and Snape?" Ron whispered urgently once
Dumbledore was out of ear shot.
"Nothing Ron," Harry lied, and followed Dumbledore into the classroom, ignoring
his friends scowl. Now was not the time for lenghty explanations.
When Harry entered the classroom, Severus was finishing the task of repairing
Ron's desk. All signs of the ruined potion were gone. Thankfully Hermione was
the only student remaining, and she rushed to Ron's side as soon they entered
looking worriedly at her boyfriend.
"Now, about this matter you wish to discuss Severus, Harry is going to escort
Mr. Weasley to the Infirmary, so how about you and I have a nice cup of tea in
my office and I can catch up with Harry later if need be," Dumbledore stated
more than asked.
Harry shuffled his feet and tried to convey to Severus he wasn't happy about
discussing this matter with the Headmaster separately, but before he or Severus
could say anything, Hermione cleared her throat and spoke.
"I can take Ron to the Infirmary if you need to speak with Harry Sir," she
offered.
"Excellent idea Miss Granger. I am sure Professor Snape and I will not keep
your friend long." Hermione slipped her arm around Ron's wasit and led him out
the classroom.
"Now we can all have a nice cup of tea," Dumbledore said with a pleased smile
once the door was closed behind Ron and Hermione leaving them alone.
Severus didn't answer and swayed slightly on his feet. "Are you all right
Professor?" Harry asked worriedly, placing a hand on Severus' arm when he
swayed again.
Severus scowled and shrugged Harry's hand away, "I do not need your assistance
Potter. It is your fault I was distracted whilst cleaning up your friends mess,
and I may have inadvertently inhaled more than..." Severus collapsed at Harry's
feet.
"Oh dear," Dumbledore said mildly. Harry quickly knelt down and pushed Severus'
hair away from his face.
"Headmaster! He doesn't seem to be breathing!" he said frantically, pulling the
unconscious man onto his lap, and cradled him.
"Ah the fumes of an overheated Draught of Living Death," Dumbledore said
calmly, reading the instruction on the blackboard. "No need to worry Harry, he
is not dead, just in a very deep sleep, but I will have to get him to the
Infirmary." Dumbledore's eyebrows almost reached his hairline when he looked
back at Harry, who was now stroking Severus pale face. "I presume you wish to
accompany him?" Dumbledore asked, with surprise clear in his tone.
"Of course... emm, I mean yeah, I want to see if Ron is all right and we can
have our discussion after Professor Snape takes the antidote. Harry quickly
placed Severus back on the floor and stood. His face flushed bright red at
having held and stroked Severus face in front of the Headmaster.
"Mmmm," Dumbledore said with a frown. "Well I will require your assistance in
getting him there in any case. We will need to take him by floo. I cannot
imagine the rage he would be in if we were to carry him unconscious through the
halls of Hogwarts. You will need to floo together since he won't be able to
exit the floo network himself," Dumbledore instructed as he cast a featherlight
charm on Severus unconscious body.
Harry lifted Severus easily and cradled him in his arms before stepping into
the floo.
1000hrs Hogwarts Infirmary.
Moments later, Harry fell out of the fireplace in the Infirmary. He had never
quite managed to master the art of travelling by floo gracefully, and landed
awkwardly on top of Severus on the white marble floor.
"Oh my God Harry! What happened?" the high pitch voice of Hermione reached him
as he struggled to regain his feet.
"Inhaled too much of Ron's potion." Harry answered, scooping Severus up in his
arms again as he spoke. Ron and Hermione were the only students in the
Infirmary Harry realised with relief, and he carried Severus to the furthest
away bed from his friends. Lowering the limp body of the Professor onto the
hospital bed, he removed the featherlight charm and placed a soft kiss on
Severus' lips. He then quickly ran his fingers through the long black hair,
pushing it out his face, and straighten his robes around him. Once Severus
looked slightly less dishevelled, Harry turned round to look for Madame Pomfrey
but his gaze immediately fell on the shocked, reprimanding expression of his
friend, who was now standing right behind him.
"Don't say a word 'mione!" Harry said with a scowl. He was in no mood for
lectures about being more careful at the moment; he was too worried about
Severus to listen.
Luckily, Madam Pomfrey arrived at Severus' bedside before Hermione could say
anything.
"What happened Mr Potter? I hope this has something to do with Ron's potion
accident rather than any stray magic you might have emitted," the stern medi-
witch asked, as she peered at Severus pale face.
Harry flinched at the reminder.
"It was the potion accident. Professor Dumbledore asked me to bring him here,"
he answered whilst watching Pomfrey run diagnostic spells over Severus's body.
"He is indeed in a deep magically induced sleep, but I will not be reviving him
quite yet. The error Mr Weasley made to cause his cauldron to explode has given
the fumes a rather nasty side effect when the antidote is used. Professor Snape
will just have to sleep it off."
"Will he be alright?" Harry asked.
"He will be Mr Potter. Once he stops hallucinating and thinking he can fly
without a broom," Pomfrey said with no humour
Harry had actually meant Severus when he had asked the question, but he was
glad his friend was going to be ok.
"Now come away from Professor Snape's bed. Visiting will be permissible this
evening," Pomfrey instructed.
"Oh I am meeting the Headmaster here," Harry informed the scowling witch, and
sat down in the chair beside Severus bed. He did not want to leave Severus
until he knew he would be all right.
Pomfrey looked at Harry with undisguised surprise. "Very well, but only until
Professor Dumbledore arrives, then you both must leave."
"Ok. Ermm...can you tell me how long it will be until Professor Snape wakens?
It's just that the Headmaster and I were discussing something with him when the
accident happened." Harry hoped Severus wouldn't be unconscious long; he really
wanted to speak with him tonight.
"I will wake him in time for dinner," the stern witch answered curtly before
striding back up the ward to check on Ron.
Harry got up from his chair, sat on the edge of Severus' bed, and placed his
hand on the man's chest.
"Harry! You really need to be less...obvious about...whatever it is that's
going on between you and him," Hermione hissed.
"Relax Hermione, there is no one else here," Harry said as he turned his
attention back to Severus and realised that Severus really did look dead.
"Hermione! He isn't breathing!" he exclaimed as anxiety gripped him.
"Draught of Living Death does cause some startling effects, Harry," the gentle
voice of Dumbledore came from directly behind Hermione. Hermione gasped, but
Harry did not take his eyes of Severus' chest. He couldn't worry about the
Headmaster having maybe heard what Hermione has said. He was too concerned
about Severus to care.
"Headmaster, he really isn't breathing. That can't be right! Are you sure he's
going to be ok? I mean even wizards need to breathe! God he looks blue," Harry
almost shrieked as his eyes flickered up to the relaxed face of the normally
pale Professor, but he was beyond pale now.
A firm hand rested on his shoulder. "Harry, remember to control your fear. He
will wake, I promise you, but you and I need to have a little chat first I
think."
Harry let out a harsh breath, focused on controlling his anxiety and removed
his hand from Severus' chest.
Reluctantly turning to look at Dumbledore, he said,
"Madame Pomfrey says he needs to sleep it off. She doesn't want to give him the
antidote. Can we have our chat wait until he is awake?"
"No, I think we should talk without him. There are some other things we need to
discuss without him in any case." Dumbledore turned to head back to the floo,
but paused as he reached Hermione.
"Miss Granger, I presume it is unnecessary for me to warn you that you must
keep certain matters to yourself?"
"Of course Sir, but I really don't know anything. I mean, what I said was
just...well ..."
"I did not hear anything you said Miss Granger," he looked at Hermione silently
for a moment before she blushed and dropped her eyes.
"I will leave you to take care of Mr Weasley. However, please do not hesitate
to visit me anytime you feel like a cup of tea or a lemon sherbet." Dumbledore
leaned in closer to the young witch and lowered his voice, "You know, sometimes
a nice brew can be just the antidote to the unusual," he said cryptically,
giving her a pointed look before nodding and striding off. Hermione watched the
Headmaster stride over to the floo with a look of confusion flickering over her
features.
"Come Harry, we will have our little chat in my office. I have opened the floo
to you." Dumbledore said before stepping into the grate and dissappearing in a
flash of flames. Harry took one last look at Severus, and resisting the urge to
kiss him again, turned toward the fireplace.
"I think the Headmaster was trying to tell me something," Hermione said
quietly, almost to herself.
"Yeah, that he likes tea and lemon sherbets. You have never had the chance to
sample his hospitality, have you? You should take him up on his offer, it
is...different!" Harry laughed.
Hermione nodded but looked at Harry rather strangely as she watched him floo
out of the Infirmary.
1600hrs Hogwarts Infirmary
Harry missed the rest of his classes that day. Instead, he spent his time
examining his new ability with Dumbledore, and discussing the hunt for
Horcruxes. As soon as he had escaped from the old man's office, he returned to
the Infirmary under his invisibility cloak and sat watching the still sleeping
form of Severus whilst he thought about what he had learnt. He had discovered
that he could not break through Dumbledore's mind shields, or indeed plant
anything in the old man's mind, even when he wasn't Occluding, not unless his
thoughts were about something he felt very strongly. He had only managed to get
a thought about destroying Voldemort through, but that was all. Apparently it
was still an unusual skill, but the Headmaster did not seem worried about it.
In fact, he hadn't seemed overly surprised by it at all. The conversation had
turned to the search and destruction of Horcruxes and how Dumbledore was
getting on finding them. The Headmaster had informed him that he believed he
had found the hiding place of another one and requested that Harry accompany
him to retrieve it that night. Harry was excited about getting more involved
with the fight against evil, and enthusiastically agreed. It meant he would
only have until midnight to be with Severus, but he understood better than
anyone, that destroying Voldemort was more important than anything else. Harry
asked if the Headmaster if had any ideas as to the whereabouts of the remaining
Horcruxes, but it quickly became apparent that Dumbledore, either did not have
a clue where they were, or he was holding back information. The conversation
had been the most open and frank Harry had ever had with the old man, but it
had left Harry slightly unsettled. Not that he could explain why he felt the
way he did, but he knew something was not quite right.
The stark white curtains surrounding Severus' bed were abruptly pulled back,
snapping Harry out his thoughts. Holding his breath, he watched as Madam
Pomfrey entered and administered a potion to her patient, and leave again. A
few minutes later Severus stirred.
"Severus?" Harry whispered quietly, pulling of his cloak when Severus opened
his eyes.
"Potter what the..."
"Shhh, drink this."
Harry pressed a potion that Pomfrey had left beside Severus' bed to his lips.
"Mr Potter I am perfectly capable of looking after myself. Now remove yourself
from my bed," Severus grumbled, looking down at his white, hospital gown clad
body in disgust.
"No. Drink this and I will think about it," Harry said resolutely. The surprise
on Severus' face would have been funny if Harry wasn't so nervous about
speaking to the man like this, but he wanted to take care of him, and the
grumpy sod would just have to get used to the idea if they were going to be
together.
"You really are the most annoying brat I have ever come across," Severus
grumbled.
"I know, but you love me really," Harry said with a cheeky grin.
Severus growled.
"It was a joke, don't look so horrified. I am quite aware you don't like me
that much!"
"Give me the bloody potion Potter," Severus snapped.
Harry held up the vial, but did not let go when the older wizard reached out to
take it, and their fingers touched.
"Potter," Severus said slowly, a clear warning shining from his eyes.
"Promise me something Severus," Harry said unfazed by the intimidating glare.
"Promise you what?" Severus replied in a slow drawl.
"Promise me you will take me to your bed tonight. Just for tonight I want us to
forget about the war and do what we want. I want us to be together." Harry's
heart was hammering in his chest at being so forthright and blunt, but he
needed for Severus to understand that he was serious about wanting to be with
him. Severus dropped his eyes, and snatched away his hand on the vial.
"You have no idea what you are asking for Potter," Severus said quietly. Harry
reached out and touched Severus face, running his thumb over the slightly
parted lips.
"I want you Severus. I want us to have one night where we don't worry about
tomorrow or the war or anything else. Just one night, is that too much to ask?"
"Yes it is you stupid boy. Now remove yourself from my bed before I throw you
off." Severus gripped Harry's wrist and removed his hand from his face.
Harry dropped his eyes and stood, his anger at the man turning into desire so
quickly that he hardly recognised it, but the rejection stung nonetheless. "If
you have decided you don't want me, then fine, but there is no need to be such
a git about it." Harry pulled his wrist out of Severus' grip and turned to
leave, but Severus reached out and grabbed his arm before he got very far.
Pained green eyes met with pools of black that radiated sadness.
"It is not you I am rejecting, you idiot, but I cannot give you what you want.
To allow myself to feel anything other than contempt for you will effectively
sign my death warrant. I have already allowed my defences to become too weak."
"At least give me a chance to talk to you about what has happened between us
Severus, Please," Harry pleaded.
Severus sighed and let go of Harry's arm.
"Meet me after dinner tonight in the Potions classroom. I have some work to do,
and we can talk, but do not expect anything more. Now give me some peace to get
dressed."
Harry nodded unable to say anything. He was scared if he opened his mouth
again, Severus would change his mind about even speaking to him.
1700 Great Hall
Harry arrived for dinner before his friends and sat morosely pushing food about
his plate. Severus had said some truly cruel things, but he realised he no
longer could feel angry with the man. His anger was turning into a deep
yearning to be with him that only increased when Snape spoke to him in his
usual cruel way. The desire to be free of Voldemort's grip, for Severus to be
free to feel again, consumed him. He knew he had the better end of the stick
when it came to emotions and couldn't begin to imagine having to be angry and
full of hate all the time, but yearning for something he couldn't have felt
awful too.
Ron and Hermione arrived and sat opposite Harry. Hermione gave him a
reproachful scowl and Ron glowered.
"Hey," Harry said frowning at the different, but equally unhappy looks on his
friends faces.
Ron grunted, looked away and grabbed food from the golden platter that had just
appeared in front of him.
Harry shot Hermione a questioning glance who let out an exasperated sigh and
dropped her eyes. "Ron heard you speaking with the other patient in the
Infirmary earlier. He... is under the impression that...you have been hiding
something from us."
Harry groaned and placed his head in his hands. "I don't want to talk about
this just now."
"See! I told you it was him. He makes sick. I am going to sit somewhere else.
You coming 'mione?"
"Ron! Harry is our friend and we will stick by him, whatever is going on in his
life. Now sit down."
"I am not sitting next to that...traitorous poof. You can do what you like, but
I am out of here," Ron spat and stalked off.
Harry couldn't feel angry at Ron. He understood that it must be difficult to
find out his best friend was gay, but to find out he wanted to be with Snape
must be incomprehensible to his friend.
"He will come round Harry, but you do need to be more careful," Hermione said
reproachfully, although Harry could see a flicker of worry in her hazel eyes.
"Yeah I know, but I just don't feel like putting on a front anymore. I
am...well, not happy exactly, but I have accepted who I am and what I want. If
my friends don't like it, then tough, I will find other friends who can accept
me."
"Harry! I am glad you are finally accepting yourself more, but you are being a
bit harsh. Ron just needs time to adjust. It is a lot for us to take in, and as
far as putting on a front, you have to! We are at war!" Hermione lowered her
voice to a whisper and leant over the table, "You cannot be seen to be friendly
with a known Death Eater, Harry."
"He is not a Death Eater, Hermione, as well you know," Harry said raising his
voice slightly.
"Shh, keep your voice down. Merlin! You are seriously not thinking straight at
the moment. I never said that was where his allegiances lie, but he is known as
one!"
Harry growled in frustration "Fuck, do you think I don't know that, but I want
him so badly. I really do. I know you must find that totally weird and fucked
up, but there is so much other stuff going on in my head just now, I need him.
He is the only person that really understands me, the only person that maybe
can ever understand."
Hermione did not respond for a moment or two, she sat just staring at Harry
with a look of concentration.
"I'm not hungry. Are you going to eat that?" Hermione said eventually, nodding
to Harry's plate of roast beef and potatoes which had gone cold.
"No. I'm not hungry either," Harry replied pushing his plate away.
"Right, well come with me. I want to talk to you." Hermione stood and motioned
to Harry to follow her.
Harry shot a glance up at the staff table. His gaze immediately going to
Severus, who was watching him intently. Harry froze. The look of unadulterated
lust in the man's eyes made his heart speed up.
"Harry!" Hermione hissed, grabbed his arm and pulled him away. She shot one of
her scowls at Severus, who actually flinched and looked away, making Harry want
to laugh.
"You really are impossible!" Hermione huffed as she dragged him out into the
corridor. "You have to remember who you are and who he is Harry!"
"I know who we are Hermione!" Harry snapped.
Hermione pulled him into the ground floor girls' bathroom, checked they were
alone and warded the door.
"What are you doing Hermione?" Harry asked, feeling a little on edge.
"I am a bit worried about you Harry. Are you really sure you want to be with
Professor Snape, I mean really want to?"
"I have already told you that I do," Harry responded immediately "What's this
about?"
"Have you slept with him?" Hermione asked bluntly.
"Hermione! Merlin, what kind of question is that. I mean God, I don't go asking
you or Ron if you have shagged yet!"
Hermione sighed. "I know, but I am worried Professor Snape has...influenced you
in some way. I know he is supposed to be on our side, but we must be on our
guard from attack, even from those within the Order."
Harry gasped at the insinuation "He hasn't influenced me! Well not in the way
you mean anyway. I know it must be a shock to you and Ron, but I am not
interested in anyone else, he makes me feel stuff I have never felt before, and
like you say we are in the middle of a war, none of us might be alive this time
next year. I want to have at least one night where I can forget about all that.
I want to be with him." Harry was getting a little frustrated at having to
explain himself again.
Hermione pulled a small vial out her robe pocket and handed it to Harry with a
determined look in her eyes "You won't mind taking this then," she said firmly.
Harry took the vial from her gingerly "What is it?" he asked.
"It's a potion that works in the same way as Finite Incantatem, but it not only
stops all charms and curses, it removes any effects of Potions you may have
ingested."
"Bloody Hell Hermione, I thought you were the one friend that would accept me
for who I am. Do you really think preferring men is so abnormal that I must be
under some spell or potion?"
"Of course not Harry! I really don't mind whether you prefer witches or
wizards, but it was only a matter of days ago you hated Professor Snape, so
much so you could have killed him. Now you appear to be having sex with him.
It's not normal for one's feelings to change so quickly and dramatically. I am
only trying to make sure you know what you are doing, I don't care if you have
sex with him every night, well I do care because I want you to be happy, but I
need to know it is you that wants these things. That you are not under the
influence of some dark spell or potion!" Hermione sounded as equally frustrated
as Harry felt.
Harry scowled at his friend then sighed when he saw the worry and determination
in her eyes. He pulled the stopper out the vial. "If this will make you happy I
will take it, but it won't change anything. He hasn't spiked my drink with a
love potion or cast the imperius on me Hermione." Harry drank the disgusting
gloop in one go and thrust the empty vial back at Hermione. It made him a
little depressed that he had to take Potions to assure his friends that he was
in his right mind, but he understood her reasoning.
"Well?" Hermione said.
An incredible sense of peace washed over Harry, "Well nothing, I still want
him. In fact, I think I want him more. What the hell was that you just gave
me?" he asked as his desire to be with Severus increased tenfold.
"It is a general antidote to most love potions and spells. Combined with...well
I put in some of your Draught of Peace." Hermione blushed slightly at her
confession. "I did it for your own good Harry. I am your friend and want to
help you, but I can't if I am not sure you are in your right mind and are being
made to want things you wouldn't normally," Hermione said a little sheepishly.
Harry groaned. A burning desire to be with Severus, to kill Voldemort and end
the war, to have a less complicated life, stole over him all at once.
"Merlin, Hermione... that was really stupid and devious," Harry gasped as he
tried to catch his breath against the ache in his heart, his yearnings became
almost unbearable.
Hermione huffed and looked at Harry worriedly as he leant forward breathing
heavily.
"How the hell did you get some of my potion anyway?" he asked, trying to
concentrate on something other than his painful desires for things he couldn't
have easily.
"I sneaked some into a vial when you were handing your sample to Professor
Snape. I took it because I thought I could prove he was failing you, even when
you had brewed a perfect potion."
Harry snorted and laughed a bitter sounding laugh "He didn't fail me on that
potion Hermione! He didn't let me drink it because he knew how I felt about
him. Just as he didn't allow you to drink your potion because he thought you
might make a fool of yourself with Malfoy!"
Hermione hung her head "I am sorry, I only did what I thought was for the best.
I will understand it if you are angry with me."
"I am not angry with you Hermione. I don't do angry, remember? I have to turn
anger into desire. It's actually quite easy to do." Harry smiled trying to
reassure his friend that he was ok with what she had done.
"Desire?" Hermione stepped back a little from Harry with a worried look on her
face.
"Don't look so worried 'mione. Just because you do something that should make
me angry, doesn't mean I want you like that! I just want this war to be over so
my friends don't have to feed me bloody potions just because I want to shag
someone!"
"Oh." Hermione relaxed again. "It's who you want to sleep with Harry that's the
problem, I mean you did hate him for 6 years," Hermione said with a little
laugh.
"I never hated him Hermione, not really, in fact, quite the opposite, I think,"
Harry said sadly.
Hermione looked at him with an understanding frown and nodded.
"Well if you are going to carry on seeing him, you have to work out a way to
not be so obvious about it. The tension between the pair of you is pretty
intense."
"The tension is only so bad because he is being a stubborn git and won't fuck
me," Harry stated plainly.
"Harry!" Hermione shrieked in shock.
"Well you did ask if we had shagged yet, so I am telling you, we haven't.
That's why there is so much tension. I swear he is driving me crazy, I don't
think I will be able to get through this year if we don't shag soon. I mean
Merlin, I think I have been hard for him for days, it is a bit distracting."
"That was a little more information than I really needed, but I am not sure
starting a sexual relationship with him will make it any easier, surely it
would just increase the problem."
"The problem cannot possibly get any worse," Harry said shifting uncomfortably
on his feet as his erection throbbed. "Especially if I keep getting fed my
bloody Draught of Peace," Harry muttered.
"Well you both need to find a way to hide your attraction for each other before
people realise what's going on. There is already a load of talk about what
happened in potions this morning, you both were really distracted, I mean apart
from the way you looked at each other at the beginning of class, which was bad
enough, he called you Harry for Merlin's sake and then he answered your
question without you even asking it, not verbally anyway." Hermione crossed her
arms giving Harry a look that he knew meant, I expect a full explanation.
"Oh shit. I had forgotten about that...emmm I can't explain. Not yet," Harry
answered firmly.
Hermione huffed but did not push the issue "Well there is obviously more going
on than I understand but whatever, you both have to start acting a little more
normally around each other and if you think sleeping with him will dispel the
tension as you put it, then I suggest you do so tonight before the pair of you
rip each other's clothes off in public or something crazy. You know I really
thought you were going to kiss , or something the other day in Defence and I
can't be the only one that noticed!" Hermione screwed up her face at the
memory.
"Hermione, you only noticed in Defence because you know me so well and because
I already told you we'd snogged and stuff, but yeah it is getting a little out
of hand, but I don't know how to make him relax and not worry so much. He
thinks that what has happened between us has weakened his mind shields against
Voldemort. Severus doesn't just occlude against him; he also uses the
Controlled Emotion method I explained to you, but kind of in reverse to what I
have to do. That's why he is so angry and full of hate all the time, that's why
he speaks to me the way he does. Voldemort doesn't expect his Death Eaters to
feel anything positive, so he has to change any positive emotion into its polar
opposite."
Hermione frowned, "That's awful Harry but surely he could just occlude any
memories of being with you?"
"I think that's what he is trying to do, but the problem is that Voldemort
expects to see and feel Severus' hate for me. Having these memories is making
it more difficult for him to do that."
Hermione had that look she had when she was thinking about a complex problem.
Her brow furrowed a little and her eyes became unfocused.
"What are you thinking Hermione?"
"Well...I am not sure this will help, but I read somewhere that there was a way
to temporarily remove and store memories for short periods of time. Sort of
similar to collecting memories for viewing in a pensieve but unlike Pensieve
memories the person they are collected from has no conscious memory of them at
all once they are removed, rather than the them just being muted a little. I
found it when trying to work out a way to Obliviate my parents in a way that
wasn't so risky, but it wasn't suitable for that because you can only store
them for up to a month at a time before they die and can never be returned. At
least with Obliviate there is always some hope the memory can be restored, even
if it is dangerous," Hermione said sadly.
"I'm sorry Hermione." Harry felt guilty for spending so much time thinking
about his relationship with Severus, when his friends were willing to sacrifice
everything to help with the war effort.
"Don't be, it had to be done," Hermione said matter-of-factly.
"Yeah but it makes me feel a complete selfish git for spending so much time
thinking about something so trivial as having a relationship with... anyone
actually," Harry said hanging his head, a little ashamed of himself, even
though it did nothing to reduce his arousal that still coursed through him.
"Harry stop blaming yourself for everything, it was selfish of me to Oblivate
my parents without giving them the choice, but I had to know they were safe,
and just because I am in a relationship with Ron, doesn't mean I am any less
committed to the war effort. We all need someone, and you deserve some
happiness too. If you think Professor Snape can give you what you need, then
you have to go for it, but I am not sure sleeping with him will make your
problem any easier. You might end up feeling more for him if you do."
"I only want to have one night with him, Hermione. I can worry about tomorrow
when tomorrow comes."
"That is not always the wisest philosophy Harry," Hermione said reproachfully.
"It was Dumbledore that told me to do exactly that this afternoon. He said I
should enjoy myself whilst I had the chance, and I think he is right," Harry
said dismissively, "Do you think Severus will know about this memory removal
spell or whatever it is?" Harry asked hopefully.
"He might but it was in a rather old obscure book. I can try to find it again
if you want, although I am not sure I should have told you about it now,"
Hermione said worriedly.
"If you find it, will you bring it down to me in the dungeons?" Harry asked
pleadingly, ignoring Hermiones obvious discomfort at the idea now.
"I suppose so," she agreed grudgingly.
"Thanks Hermione, you really are the best!" Harry grabbed her and kissed her on
the cheek before darting out the bathroom, vaguely aware that Hermione was
muttering something about hoping she had done the right thing.
1800hrs Potions Classroom
Harry barged into the Potions classroom.
"Severus!" he exclaimed excitedly as he entered. Immediately regretting doing
so the moment his eyes met with those of the Headmaster. Severus froze and
glared at Harry, his eyes calling him all the names for stupid under the sun.
"Ah Harry. Come in my boy. Did Miss Granger find you?" Dumbledore asked with a
smile.
"Yes I saw her," Harry answered scowling. It was his idea to feed me the bloody
potion Harry thought. A nice brew can be the antidote to the unusual...indeed.
He really is a sly old coot.
"I am glad you have such good friends," Dumbledore said quietly. The sad glint
in his eyes did not match his smile or his words.
"Headmaster, I... emm ...I came to ask Professor Snape some questions, but they
are not important, so I can come back later." Harry turned to leave, but the
Headmaster stopped him.
"No need, Harry. I was just leaving anyway."
Dumbledore nodded at Severus, but before he left he said, "Enjoy your evening
boys, but I must urge you to be a little more circumspect about the change that
has occurred in your relationship. The school is abuzz with the wildest of
rumours you know, and I generally find that the stranger the gossip, the truer
it is." The sadness in Dumbledore's eyes deepened, before adding "Oh and Harry,
please do try to get some sleep. You will need your rest for what lies ahead."
Harry flushed a bright red at what the Headmaster was implying and shuffled his
feet unsure of what to say. He had no intention of sleeping before meeting with
him later that night, and had the feeling that the old man knew that.
The headmaster raised an eyebrow then turned and left.
"Senile old fool," Severus growled, once the door closed leaving Harry and
Severus alone.
Harry snorted, "He is not as senile as he makes out Severus."
He almost told Severus about Hermione and the potion but decided against it. It
was bound to anger the Potions Master, and it would give him another excuse for
not listening to what he had to say.
"He might not be senile, but he obviously believes there may be some truth to
the idiotic rumours." Severus said in a resigned voice.
"Well, the ones that I have heard are kind of true. At least he doesn't seem to
be too bothered about us being together," Harry said smiling.
"There is no us Potter, and we are not together! Whatever that meddling old
fool thinks, there can never be an us. I should never have acted on my utterly
inappropriate affections toward you. I do not know what in Merlin's name I was
thinking."
"Ah so you admit you feel something for me, that kissing me did mean
something?"
"It meant nothing Potter." Severus snapped, but the desire in his eyes belied
his true emotion.
"I know that's not true." Harry stepped closer to his Professor who stood
rigidly in front of his desk.
"I don't care whether you believe me or not, but tonight we must discuss the
matter of your disturbing ability to push your thoughts into my mind."
"I am not talking to you about that Severus. I have discussed it with
Dumbledore, and I am not worried about my ability. It appears I can only push
thoughts into another's mind when I really want or need something."
"I am aware of your discussions with the old fool, but I need you to try to
push something into my mind again. I need to find a way to keep you out."
Harry sighed and closed his eyes. I want you to fuck me Severus.
Severus growled, anger clear in his eyes "You stupid little twit! You must stop
this nonsense. It is not helping. I need to be able to keep you out."
"Not until you agree to fuck me Severus. I know you want to."
"Whether I want to or not, is not the issue here. You are being totally
insufferable and making this more difficult than it already is."
"Look, I just told you, I cannot push any old thought into someone's mind. I
could not breach Dumbledore's shields, in fact, even when he stopped Occluding
I couldn't get anything through unless I thought about something I am
passionate about."
Severus narrowed his eyes in disbelieve "So you are saying that if you tried to
make me believe I wanted to kill someone, for example, you couldn't do it?"
"No I couldn't, since that is not what I want. I have to really want what it is
I am thinking for it to transfer over. If I truly wanted you to kill someone,
then maybe I could, but I haven't tried to make my thoughts seem like those of
the person I am transferring them to, so I am not sure it would work. Anyway, I
do not want to control anyone's thoughts. I can only let you hear my thoughts
because it is something I truly desire."
"I see," Severus said quietly sitting down abruptly. He sat in silence for a
few seconds looking at his hands, obviously deep in thought before he raised
his eyes and looked at Harry again. "So you really want to be with me?" he
asked incredulously.
Harry moved closer to Severus until he was standing right in front of him
before he answered.
"Yes I do," he answered quietly.
Severus dropped his eyes, "I cannot give you what you want. I should never have
kissed you. I should have never allowed anything to happen between us. It was a
serious error in judgement, an error that must not be repeated."
Harry lost the battle with his hands, which had been itching to reach out and
touch Severus and cupped one hand under Severus' chin making him look back up
at Harry again.
"What if I told you that I could make you hate me again by tomorrow morning?"
Harry asked softly.
Severus gripped Harry's wrist and removed his hand from his face, but did not
let him go.
"I do not think I could ever truly hate you again, no matter what idiotic plans
you cook up to annoy me. I am finding it difficult now and we have only kissed
and touched a little, if we take it any further I fear I will become completely
undone."
There was a deep sadness in Severus' eyes, but Harry smiled. It was the closest
he was ever going to get to Severus admitting he did have feelings for him.
"What if your memory of being with me could be removed?" Harry asked, moving
his hand into the cooler one and lacing his fingers through Severus'.
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said how about if the...".
"I heard what you said Potter but have you completely lost your mind? I am not
going to allow you to Obliviate me!" Severus pulled his hand out of Harry's
grasp.
"I am not suggesting we use Obliviate," Harry clarified.
"What are you gibbering about Potter? I will not entertain any more of your
foolishness."
Harry closed his eyes. I want you more than I have ever wanted anything
Severus. Please listen to me.
Harry opened his eyes nervously wondering if Severus would be angry at pushing
his thoughts into his mind again, but there was no anger in the black eyes that
met his just a burning desire that made Harry shiver.
"Just one night Severus. Apparently there is a way to remove memories
temporarily. Hermione found it when she was looking for a less dangerous way to
Obliviate her parents'. It's in an old book about memory charms."
"Why on earth would Granger want to Obliviate her parents?"
"I'm not sure it's my place to tell you that, but I am sure she would, if you
asked her. However, the point is, she found a way to remove memories
temporarily, so that there is no recollection of them."
Severus' frowned, "I am aware of such a charm, but I have never had the
occasion where I thought it necessary, and this situation is not as simple as
hiding memories. It is not the hiding of memories that I have a problem with.
My Occlumency shields, thankfully, are still intact. However, my current
inability to change positive emotion to negative, is what is causing the
problem, regarding you at least, and ironically you are the only person the
Dark Lord expects me to hate."
"But you just need to remove any memories that make it difficult for you to
hate me before going to Death Eater meetings, then you would have no problem
feeling hate for me as you always have."
Severus' brow furrowed.
"I really want this, Severus. Surely we deserve at least one night before the
war kicks off properly. One night to do what we want and forget about the war."
Severus sighed heavily. "I can understand you want to have a bit of fun before
the war starts in earnest, but you could have anyone one you want. You don't
need me."
"I don't want anyone else. I only want you."
"Why on earth do you want your old greasy git of a Potions Master? I have made
your life almost unbearable for the last 6 years, and I am a Death eater, for
Merlin's sake. I think you really have lost your mind," Severus said scowling.
"Stop it. You are not old, and you are not greasy, not when you have washed
that crap out your hair anyway, and you have had to be a git to me. I
understand that. In fact, it's partly why I like you so much. I mean yeah, you
used to anger the shit out of me, but you have always made me feel safe, and
you understand me better than anyone else. You are smart and powerful and are
the bravest man I have ever known, and you are no Death Eater. I doubt you
really ever were, not in your heart where it really matters." Harry moved
closer to Severus as he spoke, gingerly straddling his legs before sitting down
in his lap.
"Life is too short to worry about tomorrow Severus." Harry leaned forward and
pressed his lips against Severus' closed, resisting ones.
Severus remained tense and unyielding but did not push Harry away.
"Please Severus," Harry whispered against Severus' lips
The tension suddenly seemed to flood out of the older wizard. He let out a long
breath, let go of his tight grip on the arms of the chair in which he sat, and
pulled Harry closer, wrapping his arms around his waist.
Harry couldn't help but smile as he kissed the now unresisting, welcoming lips.
Severus broke the kiss a minute or so later just as it was becoming more
passionate and looked at Harry with eyes that appeared darker than Harry had
ever seen them. The pupils were so dilated, that there was only a small slither
of black iris around the gaping hole and Harry was mesmerised by them.
"You look...sexy as hell like this."
Severus grunted in dismissal and pushed Harry off his lap.
"Severus?" Harry's stomach twisted in apprehension thinking Severus was going
to tell him to leave, but the worry disappeared as soon as he was grabbed
roughly by the hand and pulled out of the classroom, through the office and
into Severus' private rooms.
1830hrs Snape's Private quarters.
The door closed behind them with a bang and Severus pulled off Harry's outer
robes, removed his tie, ripped open his shirt, and kissed him with such passion
that Harry thought he might come from that alone. Harry tried to remove Severus
robes, but there were too many buttons, making Harry growl in frustration.
"Rip them Harry," Severus whispered urgently against the skin of his neck where
he had been sucking and biting at the delicate flesh.
Harry gasped. The lack of control and deep tone of Severus voice made his cock
harden further from its already aroused state, and he pulled hesitantly at the
rough fabric of the black robes, ripping the open. The silky soft material of
the white shirt beneath clung to Severus toned body, and the sight of it made
Harry even more desperate to remove any material that stopped his hands from
running over bare flesh. He ripped open the shirt with less caution and the
small buttons scattered to the marble floor, making a tinkling sound as they
landed. Syrus hissed urgently, but Harry wasn't interested in what the Snake
had to say; he was too absorbed in his task of removing Severus' clothes. As
soon as both men were naked from the waist up, Severus pulled Harry into a
tight embrace. The heat radiating between their heaving chests enveloped them
in mutual desire, and sparked a deep burning fire of need in Harry that made
his chest constrict.
"Fuck Severus, I need you now," Harry panted in a deep, broken voice that
sounded foreign even to his own ears. Their eyes locked in an intense exchange
of unspoken mutual understanding and held onto each other as though their life
depended on not letting go. Severus lowered his hands and gripped Harry's arse,
pulling him in and upward, causing Harry to hold on tighter to the naked
shoulders' above him as he was lifted up. He wrapped his legs around Severus'
waist and was carried like this through to the bedroom. Some of the desire in
Severus' eyes had been replaced with an urgent, questioning look by the time
they approached his bed, and Harry pushed into Severus mind trying to reassure
him: I really want this Severus, I really want you.
Severus groaned at the intrusion and captured Harry's lips in a bruising kiss
as he collapsed forward onto the bed, trapping Harry beneath him, his legs
stayed wrapped around Severus' waist. They lay like this kissing passionately
for some time, but Severus broke the kiss and rolled off Harry abruptly.
Groaning loudly, in protest at the loss of contact, Harry turned on his side to
face Severus, and shuffled closer to him, rubbing himself against Severus'
side, but he was gently pushed away.
"Stay on your back Harry, and keep your hands above your head," Severus said
huskily as though he was struggling for air.
As soon as Harry did what Severus asked, his lips were captured again in a slow
smouldering kiss and cool hands explored his chest in firm confident strokes.
"Oh god" Harry gasped into Severus' mouth when Severus pinched one of his
nipples, and rolled it to hardness between his thumb and forefinger causing
shots of electricity to run straight from his nipple to his groin.
Severus broke away from Harry mouth and ran his tongue down the path his hands
had just travelled, sucking the pink nubs into his mouth one after the other,
nipping them between his teeth, and flicking his tongue over them. Harry had no
idea that his nipples could be so sensitive and arched his back into the touch.
Severus opened his eyes and looked up at Harry with a mischievous glint in his
eyes. "Never had you nipples sucked mmm?"
"Mmm stop talking Severus, and touch me." Severus obliged by running his hands
down over Harry's chest again. This time they travelled lower, undoing the
button and zip of his jeans quickly before palming Harry's hard length through
his cotton boxers. Harry to thrust up into the exploring hand; his cock was
desperate for more friction, but frustratingly Severus withdrew his hand,
smirked up at him and pushed himself up into a kneeling position.
"Merlin Severus, don't stop!" Harry gasped as he wiggled his hips, trying to
free himself from his trousers.
"I don't intend to, unless you ask me to." Severus looked at Harry with an
arched eyebrow.
Harry just laughed and wiggled his arse more.
"Lift your hips for me." Severus instructed.
Harry did what he asked and watched as Severus pulled down his trousers and
boxers until they were just below his knees. His cock now sat pulsing on his
abdomen; the engorged head already leaking pre-cum. Harry toed off his shoes,
allowing Severus to pull his trousers off completely, and watched as he threw
them to the floor. Severus licked his lips and groaned softly as he looked at
Harry's dripping cock.
"I want to see you Severus," Harry breathed out. His heart was pounding, and
his control was starting to wear thin. He wasn't sure if he could keep his
hands above his head much longer. He stretched up and gripped onto the bottom
of the headboard just to be holding something although he really wanted to be
either touching himself or ripping Severus' remaining clothes off and touching
him.
Severus nudged Harry's legs further apart, knelt between them, and slowly began
undoing the buttons on his own trousers. As Severus' cock came into view, Harry
stared at the hard member. Veins pulsed along its thick length and it pointed
out and slightly upward in its aroused state. Severus removed his clothes
completely and slowly wrapped a hand around his own cock, watching Harry's face
as he did so.
Harry let out a gasp at the sight of the man touching himself and the need to
touch his own engorged cock became too much. One of his hands broke free from
its grip on the headboard, and flew to his groin, but Severus quickly flicked
away the offending hand.
"Pleasuring you, is my job tonight Harry," Severus whispered silkily as he
swooped down to kiss Harry again. Every nerve ending was screaming to be
touched, and Harry was slightly worried he would lose control too soon. Severus
gently lowered his weight onto Harry's body, deliciously trapping his cock
between his abdomen and Severus' tight stomach. Harry erratically thrust into
the hard muscles, but Severus ran his hands down Harry's sides, gripped his
thrusting hips and pinned them down to the bed, stopping his movements. Keeping
the restraining hold on his hips, Severus began to explore Harry's body with
his mouth by sucking, biting and liking every inch of Harry's willing flesh
from neck to nipples. Harry thought he was going to go insane with the pleasure
coursing through his body and started to fight against the restraining hands at
his hips. In response, Severus changed position by sliding his body further
down the bed. Running his tongue over the thin line of black hair that went
from Harry's naval to the thick, wiry thatch surrounding his cock as he went.
His hot heavy breath wafted over the cooler skin of his hard shaft and balls
making Harry let out a low rumbling growl and fight harder against the
restraining hands on his hips. Severus ignored Harry's struggle to free his
hips and ran his tongue softly up the underside of Harry's cock.
"Holy fuck!" Harry groaned loudly and lifted his head off the pillow to look
down at Severus just as his tongue flicked over the collection of precum that
had gathered in his slit. Harry's balls tightened at the sight. "Shit, Severus,
I don't think I can last long if you keep doing that." Harry panted. Severus
looked up at him with an amused smirk, sucked the head of his cock into the
warm, moist cavern of his mouth, and massaged the sensitive glans in firm
circling strokes with his tongue.
Oh my Fucking God! Professor Snape has my cock in his mouth! Harry thought as
the absurdness of the situation hit home.
Severus sucked in more of his throbbing length until his whole shaft was buried
to the base, and his throat muscles massaged the tip as it was swallowed down.
Severus set a slow but firm pace of moving his mouth up and down Harry's rigid
length; sucking hard and dragging his teeth gently over the shaft on the up
stroke.
"Oh shit!" Harry screamed as his head fell back against the pillow with his
eyes squeezed shut. The sensation of having his cock sucked was overwhelming.
Harry fought to open his eyes; he wanted to watch what Severus was doing. He
had never seen or felt anything as amazing as his cock disappearing in and out
of that beautiful mouth, and he knew he wasn't going to last long. Severus
thrust his own hardness into the mattress, making him groan around his
mouthful. The vibration caused intense waves of sensation to rumble through
Harry's already tight balls.
"Oh Fuck Sev!" Harry reached down and pulled Severus hair, trying to warn him
that he was about to come, but Severus only intensified the pressure from his
tongue and quickened his pace. Every muscle in Harry's body tensed as his
orgasm rushed over him suddenly. It exploded in a wave of extreme pleasure that
made him unable to breathe as pulse after pulse of his seed spurt out his cock
straight down Severus throat. As the last wave broke over him, Severus let go
of his hips, pulled his mouth back over the sensitive glans, and gripped his
shaft with one hand. Harry thrust into the tight fist that was now milking the
last of his seed onto the eager tongue lapping at the head, tasting him. Harry
couldn't drag his eyes away from the look of ecstasy that crossed Severus
features.
When the last wave of pleasure finally passed, Harry slumped back onto the bed
with his muscles quivering and breathing ragged. Severus quickly changed
position, kneeling up between his legs enabling him to grasp his own dripping
cock. Harry tried to tell Severus not to touch himself, but since he was
struggling to catch his breath, no words came out, instead, he quickly reached
down and tried to pull Severus' hand away, but the older man just grunted and
rolled onto his side away from Harry's reach.
"I...want...to touch you," Harry managed to gasp.
"Not yet" Severus answered gruffly, his eyes closed with an expression of
concentration as he lay squeezing the base of his prick in a tight ring made
from his thumb and forefinger. Harry reached out and cupped Severus face in his
hand and ran his thumb over the red lips.
Who would ever believe that this normally sneering mouth could give such mind
shattering pleasure? Harry thought.
Severus opened his eyes and looked deep into Harry's. The desire and lust was
still burning in the glittering black depths.
"I'm sorry Severus. I just couldn't hold on any longer. Please let me touch
you."
Severus snorted, "You held on longer than I thought you would, Harry. You have
nothing to be sorry about, I wanted you to come, and the night isn't over yet."
Severus raised a suggestive eyebrow.
"Oh." Harry felt a bit silly and inexperienced and frowned a little.
"Why are you frowning? Do you have somewhere else you would rather be?" The
humour in Severus' eyes blinked out.
"Fuck no! It's just that...well, I feel a little...mmm... inexperienced and I
want you to enjoy this too." Harry carded his fingers gently through Severus'
hair trying to reassure him how much he wanted him.
"You really are incurably dim aren't you?" Severus said mildly, leaning forward
and kissing him on the forehead. "You really have no idea how much I want you,
do you? How, just having you here in my bed, is more than I ever expected to
have?"
Harry's frown deepened "So did you want me before the beginning of this term,
you know, before our lessons?"
"I...I had feelings for you yes." Severus admitted a little grudgingly.
"Oh ok..." Harry wasn't sure how this confession made him feel. He wasn't sure
if it creeped him out, that his Professor had feelings for him before he was an
adult.
"Don't look so surprised and worried. I did not think of you in any
inappropriate way prior to this term. I merely realised that I cared for you
after I got to know you a little better during your Occlumency lessons."
"So why did it change this term?" Harry asked, but wasn't overly worried about
the reasons now, he really didn't need to know, but was interested none-the-
less.
"I could ask you the same thing, but for me, you have become a very attractive
young man. When I kissed you that first time, and you responded the way you
did, something changed. However, I believe the real question is what has made
you want me?"
Harry leaned forward and pressed his lips to Severus', his cock twitched at the
memory of having just been devoured by them only a few minutes previously,
making him deepen the kiss. Severus pushed him back slightly, breaking the
contact.
"Why do you want me Harry?" Severus asked again quietly. Harry looked down at
Severus chest and ran his hands over the pale skin, watching the nipples harden
as his fingers passed over them.
"I have already told you why Severus. I can't explain it any better than I did
earlier. I just do, I can't imagine being this at peace with anyone else. I
don't want anyone else."
"You will have to learn to want another and forget about me. You do understand
why this must be the case?"
"We will worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes, but like you say, the night
is still young, so I think it's your turn," Harry said looking up with a cheeky
grin. Severus rolled his eyes in mock consternation, pushed Harry onto his
back, snaked a strong arm under him and flipped him onto his front.
Severus straddled his hips; his still hard cock resting against the top of
Harry's arse.
"Accio oil" Severus muttered wandlessly.
Harry tensed slightly, the thought of Severus fucking him was something he
still wanted, especially if they were only going to have this one night
together, but he was a little worried about how painful it might be now that it
was actually going to happen.
"Relax Harry. I am not going to do anything that you are not fully ready for,"
Severus said softly running his hands over his tense back.
Harry nodded into the pillow, feeling a little embarrassed and immature for
being nervous about something he wanted.
Severus stilled behind him "Look at me." he said quietly.
Harry lifted his burning face off the pillow, twisted his upper body to the
side and looked into Severus' deep black eyes.
"We do not have to have full penetrative sex. It is not all there is to
making...tonight enjoyable." Severus said softly.
"I know, but I want to Severus, I really do. I'm just a bit nervous I suppose.
Good nervous," Harry clarified.
"That is to be expected. Just relax and let your body lead you. You must tell
me if I do something you do not like. Agreed?"
Harry smiled and nodded feeling a bit less worried now.
There was a popping sound as the stopper on the vial of oil Severus had
summoned, was pulled out. Severus dripped the cool liquid teasingly down
Harry's spine from his hairline to the crack in his arse. The contrasting
warmth of the hands that ran over the trail of oil moments later made Harry
shiver.
"Are you cold?" Severus asked.
"No, just feels good," Harry answered, relaxing further into the mattress.
Severus firmly massaged the oil into Harry's shoulders and neck, working out
all the tension. An earthy, musky smell invaded Harry's senses, "Mmm. Smells
nice," he muttered.
"It is a plain base oil with an equal combination of Patchouli and Bergamot,
both of which are known for their relaxation properties." Severus said in
almost a lecturing tone.
"Is Patchouli not used in most love potions?" Harry asked.
"Yes, but its use here, is not for that purpose. When mixed with Bergamot it
concentrates the relaxation elements of that particular ingredient. Indeed in
most love potions, the Pat..." Harry cut off Severus' lecture.
"All right Severus I get the idea. Let's not talk about potions tonight," Harry
chortled.
Severus grumbled something under his breath but continued massaging every inch
of Harry's back. By the time he reached the top of his arse, Harry felt as
though he was boneless, all tension now gone.
"Turn over," Severus instructed as he knelt up, but remained straddling his
hips.
Complying eagerly, Harry flipped over to face Severus, and allowed his eyes to
wander over the pale skin before reaching down to curl his hand around his
thick cock. Slowly pulling back on the silky skin, he watched as Severus closed
his eyes. A low grunting breath escaped him as his cock hardened to its full
length under Harry's touch, but Harry only stroked the throbbing member twice
before Severus reached down and removed his hand.
"Not yet." Severus instructed, his voice deep and broken.
"But I really want to touch you," Harry pleaded.
Severus ignored Harry's pleas, ran his oily hands over his chest, and rubbed
his hard sensitive nipples. The warm hands left him for a moment as they
snatched up the oil again. Drops were slowly drizzled onto each nipple and
dripped down to his navel.
"You are stunning," Severus muttered to himself with a distant look in his eyes
that had an element of sadness to it.
The look of sadness unsettled Harry a little and he wanted to know what was
wrong.
"Why are you sad Severus?"
Severus quickly snapped out of his reverie, re-stoppered the vial of oil,
placed it on the bedside table and looked up at Harry.
"Not sad just...thinking," he replied plainly with no real emotion.
Harry knew Severus was thinking about how crazy and dangerous being with him
was, but he wanted Severus to completely lose himself just for one night and
didn't know what to do to make him relax so did the only thing he knew and
reaching up, circled his arms around Severus' neck, and pulled him down for a
heated kiss. Harry's cock, which had recovered slightly during the back rub,
thickened and lengthened from its half hard state and stood proud against his
abdomen when Severus' cock brushed over it. A jolt over electricity ran through
his entire body, making him groan. Severus sat up again, but refused to look
Harry in the eye as his hands resumed their firm massaging motion on Harry's
chest.
"Severus, look at me" Harry requested.
Severus' eyes slowly looked up and met Harry's gaze.
"Stop over analysing everything Severus. We will work out the memory charm, and
everything will be fine. Even without it, I am sure I could make you hate me
again easily enough if I had to. I want you to just let go and be yourself just
for tonight. Please."
Severus sighed "I fear it is too late to ever feel hatred toward you again
Harry, regardless of what memory charms your friend Granger finds or schemes
you cook up to make my life a misery, but I will find a way to make it look as
though I do, it is not that I am thinking about."
"Tell me what is wrong"
"It is nothing." Severus ran his hands quickly down Harry's chest, slowly
lowered his body onto him, covering Harry in a delicious heat. The oil made
their bodies slide against each other easily and Severus moved and shifted his
position so their hips were aligned. Hard cocks met and rubbed together making
both men groan. All thoughts of hate and tomorrow disappeared, as passion
overtook them both. Severus sucked in Harry's lower lip and teased it with his
teeth before plunging his tongue into his mouth. The slow probing of tongues
increased in urgency as their oil slicked bodies slid over each other, and
their cocks thrust together between their abdomens.
Harry thought having his cock in Severus' mouth was the most erotic thing ever,
but this was something entirely different. The blow job had been urgent and
desperate, but the slow building sensation that now gripped him took his breath
away in its slow intimacy.
Severus pulled away from his mouth, buried his face beside his ear, and hissed
in harsh breaths on each thrust; muttering something Harry couldn't make out
over the nonsense words coming from his own mouth. The sound of the deep voice
in his ear, however, made Harry shiver. Severus really did have a voice that
made Harry want him to talk in his ear like that forever.
Severus suddenly slowed his thrusting and sat up on his knees between Harry's
legs. Harry almost screamed at the loss of contact and grabbed Severus by the
arms, pulling him back down.
"I'm so close Sev, please don't stop," he muttered incoherently as he thrust up
against him again, but Severus pulled away out his grasp.
"Severus?" Harry stuttered.
"Shh Harry, just relax." Severus lifted up Harry's legs and pressed them into
his chest. Unable to move in this position, Harry watched as Severus let go of
one of his legs, ran his fingers over his puckered entrance and muttered
something Harry didn't understand. A strange feeling shot through him; a
tingling sensation that was not entirely pleasant, but it passed quickly, as
the exploring fingers continued caressing the sensitive flesh.
"Oh god" Harry breathed out. Sparks of electricity ran up his spin from his
arse.
The fingers disappeared and Harry watched as Severus caught a small glass jar
in his hand he had obviously summoned wordlessly. The jar was opened quickly,
and Severus dipped his fingers in to a thick gel like substance before resuming
his slow, firm caresses, never breaking his gaze from Harry's face. The finger
caressed for a few moments before pushing gently against his entrance. Harry
tensed ever so slightly.
"Tell me to stop now if this is not..." Harry cut Severus off, by pushing down
against the probing finger making the tip slip inside him.
"I won't break Severus," he said pushing down harder. The finger slid past the
tight ring of muscle and Harry hissed at the sensation but not in pain. Severus
slowly moved the finger around inside him before bringing it almost all the way
back out. When he pushed it back in, he bent it slightly toward his abdomen,
brushing the spot Harry had found himself that morning when masturbating,
causing him to grunt in pleasure as a jolt of electricity shot through him.
Severus smirked down at him, raising his eyebrows seductively before thrusting
back in, curling the finger more, and pressing that delicious spot harder.
"Oh My God" Harry stuttered as sensation overtook his body. It had not been
this good when he touched himself and he wanted more. His back arched, and his
hips thrust down onto the intruding digit harder, encouraging Severus to go
deeper and faster. Severus withdrew his finger in response, quickly replacing
it with two. Harry felt a slight burning sensation, but continued to push back;
the burning was worth the pleasure that accompanied it. Two fingers were
replaced with three after a few minutes of Harry begging Severus for more, but
as a third finger was added his movements stilled; the burning turned to pain
causing him to tense.
Severus stopped all movement "Relax, Harry. It will hurt but not for long. I
promise," his voice was ragged and broken as he spoke.
Severus gently removed his fingers, gripped one of Harry's legs, and pushed him
back over onto his front. One arm slid under his waist, pulling his up onto his
hands and knees, as the other ran over the bumps in Harry's spine. The
gentleness of the touch sent shivers through Harry, and when it reached his
arse, he eagerly pushed back against the probing fingers. The new position was
less painful Harry realised, but all thought and discomfort disappeared when
the fingers pushed down onto his prostate. In this position, the pleasure from
the touch was even more intense, and Harry let out a loud grunt as sparks of
electricity coursed through him. Severus spread his fingers inside him,
streching the muscles carefully before he began thrusting in and out of his
body, touching that spot on every second or third thrust. Once Harry was
completely relaxed, he started pushing back against Severus hand, urging him
for more. His forgotten about cock dripped onto the sheets below him, but right
now Harry wanted to feel Severus in him more than he wanted his cock to be
touched.
"Fuck...Sev...want...you," Harry stuttered out in-between grunting thrusts.
Severus removed his fingers and dipped them back into the jar of lubricant
sitting beside them. Harry turned his head to the side to look at Severus who
was slowly stroking himself, covering his cock in the wet lubricant. Harry
gasped at the sight. The look in Severus' eyes was so intense with emotion that
Harry couldn't even begin to describe it, but it made his stomach flip over as
feelings of peace and belonging stole through him. Severus moved forward on his
knees slightly with one hand still on his cock and aligned himself up at
Harry's entrance. His other arm wrapped around Harry's waist and pulled him up
and back slightly. Burning black eyes locked onto Harry's, as a hand slowly
wrapped around his forgotten about cock at the same time as the cock at his
entrance entered him. Only the head of Severus' cock had breached the outer
ring of muscle guarding his hole, but pain and pleasure rushed through Harry in
a confusing mix making him cry out, close his eyes and hold his breath.
"Breath Harry. Push back against me when you are ready." Severus spoke with
difficultly, his voice quivering slightly either with emotion or because he was
struggling to remain still. Harry wasn't sure which, but Severus didn't thrust
into him any further; his only movement a slow circular motion of his thumb as
it caressed the engorged head on Harry's pulsating cock. Harry breathed out and
relaxed against the hot intruding member and pushed back. Severus gave him full
control over the pace at which his cock entered him, and Harry marvelled at the
man's control as he felt his arse stretch to accommodate the hard length. The
burning pain was intense, but he wanted this so much that he kept pushing back,
at a steady even pace until his arse cheeks pressed up against Severus'
abdomen. With Severus' cock now fully buried in him, Harry let out a long,
harsh breath, and remained still whilst trying to adjust to the incredible
feeling of fullness in his arse. It still hurt, but his heart was pounding from
all the emotions running through him. He felt so complete and connected to
Severus that he wanted to capture this moment forever. He turned his head to
the side again to look at the man behind him, who, at that moment had his eyes
closed and his brow furrowed in concentration. To see the normally angry,
spiteful man lost in pleasure, whilst maintaining control as to not inflict any
unnecessary pain made Harry's heart swell with an unidentified emotion.
Severus' eyes opened and locked on Harry's. There was no hint of any negative
emotion in the deep black pools; they swam with a warmth that Harry thought he
could actually feel surround him. Maintaining the eye contact, Severus withdrew
from him half way and slowly pushed back in causing Harry to hiss as the pain
spiked.
"Tell me to stop now, if this is too painful for you Harry. I might not be able
to soon."
"Please stop worrying, Severus." Harry wiggled his arse slightly to encourage
Severus to continue.
Severus grunted and let go of Harry's cock, which he had been slowly stroking
the whole time maintaining his erection through the pain, and grabbed his hips
before withdrawing almost completely and thrusting back in slowly. Harry felt
himself stretch further as his muscles relaxed and the pain subsided a bit.
Severus continued moving in and out him slowly, until the sensation of being
filled became pleasant and the pain was almost gone. Severus, leant forward and
covered Harry's back with his chest, sucked his neck, curled a hand around
Harry's cock again and began stroking it, more firmly this time. Harry groaned
and lost himself in the sensations coursing through his body from being fucked
in time to his cock being stroked. Severus removed his mouth from Harry's neck.
The ragged breath against his wet skin added to the pleasure washing through
him.
"Do you still want to be fucked hard Harry?" Severus whispered in his ear, the
sound of the deep, broken voice made Harry shudder, and a bolt of electricity
shot straight to his groin.
"Fuck yes! Harry panted. He needed to come soon. His balls were tight and drawn
up, and the familiar sensation of impeding release crept closer.
Severus let go of Harry's cock, and gripped his hips; the fingers digging into
the soft flesh. Harry mourned the loss of the warm, oily hand around his cock,
but soon forgot about it when Severus withdrew from him completely and slammed
back into him hard. Harry screamed and pushed back against Severus as the
sensation from being fucked made his mind completely blank of all thought.
Severus kept the overall pace slow, but each thrust back in was hard, pounding
against that spot inside him until Harry thought he could come without his cock
needing to be touched again.
"Faster Sev...Fuck me faster," Harry pleaded between thrusts, urging Severus on
by pushing his arse against him.
Severus grunted something that sounded like shit and picked up his pace,
pounding into Harry hard and fast.
"Oh, yes...fuck...Sev...yes!" Harry babbled incoherently and constantly as
Severus fucked him. That place deep inside him was hit hard on almost every
stroke, making Harry's vision blur and his breathing come in shallow gasps.
Suddenly, Severus snaked an arm around Harry's middle, pulled him up onto his
lap, wrapped a hand around his cock again and began stroking it in time to the
thrusting of his cock.
Harry's breath left him completely and every muscle tensed. His hips thrust
erratically into Severus fist and back onto the cock impaled in him, fucking
himself as his climax approached.
"Seeeverusss!" Harry screamed as his orgasm gripped him moments later. It
ripped through his body in a tidal wave of intense pleasure. His hands gripped
at the silk sheets, his knuckles turning white, as wave after wave hit him
hard, his body convulsing in involuntarily spasms. Cum pumped out his cock as
though it was under extreme pressure and coated Severus' hand. Severus
continued pounding into him, his cock hammering against his prostate on every
stroke, prolonging Harry's orgasm until he thought his heart would jump out his
chest. His vision blurred to black at the edges as the last wave of orgasm
shuddered through him. Severus suddenly went tense behind him and he let go of
Harry's cock.
"Fuck! ...Harry!" Severus growled and started to come in hard thrusts, shooting
his seed deep into Harry's body, filling him with a warm, wet heat. Harry's
body went limp, but Severus kept him from slumping forward by the strong grip
he had on him as he rode through his orgasm. Harry looked round to watch
Severus climax, and marvelled at the erotic beauty of the man in the throes of
passion. He knew Severus was not considered an attractive man, but like this,
he was stunning and Harry couldn't imagine ever wanting anyone else.
Conventional attractiveness had never appealed to him and now he knew it never
would.
Eventually Severus' thrusting stilled and he collapsed forward, pushing Harry
down into the mattress, covering him with his body. Harry felt the strong
pounding of Severus heart against his spine and smiled. He felt alive and full
of emotion for the man on top of him. They both lay panting in silence, Severus
softening member still buried deep. Once their breathing slowed slightly,
Severus carefully pulled out of Harry's body, rolled off him and lay on his
back, staring at the high stone ceiling.
Harry lay boneless on his front unable to move, but looked over at Severus and
saw the corners of his mouth turned up in what he knew was a smile.
"Are you all right?" Severus whispered. Harry thought Severus sounded like was
trying not to laugh.
"Of course I am all right! That was..." Harry didn't know a word was adequate
enough to describe what he had just experienced and stammered.
Severus did laugh. The sound startled Harry in its foreignness. "You are
laughing at me!" Harry stated.
"You have always been one to state the obvious, haven't you Potter, but yes I
am laughing at you. I find your lack of vocabulary amusing." Severus replied
still smiling.
"Well how would you describe what we just did?" Harry said huffing.
"Mmm, I think acceptable would be as good an adjective as any." Severus replied
coolly.
"Acceptable? Bloody acceptable! You have got to be taking the piss!" Harry said
indignantly.
"Obviously," Severus said as he pulled Harry into a slow kiss. When their kiss
broke, Severus sat up, pulled up the blankets that had pushed to the bottom of
the bed and covered them both in their soft warmth before wrapping his body
around Harry's back in a tight embrace.
Severus' breathing quickly became slow and steady as sleep claimed the older
man and Harry wondered if Severus had managed to fall asleep so quickly due to
a lingering effect of the Draught of Living Death fumes. He knew sleep was not
going to take him so easily even though his body was tired. His mind was
racing. Hermione had been right; there was no way he could be around Severus
now and not want this again. A plan that had been formulating in his mind over
the course of the day solidified. What he needed to do seemed so much clearer
now. A hot determination filled him. He would finish this war, obliterate the
evil that threatened his life, and that of everyone around him and he would do
so soon. He would fight until the end, but would do so with excitement, desire
and love driving him, not fear, anger and hate. It was because of this that he
knew he now had the upper hand over Voldemort.
Harry placed a soft kiss on the Severus' lips, slipped out of his arms, and
quietly walked away from the dungeons under his invisibility cloak. He did not
look back.
A/N Please Please review! Let me know whether you want a sequel or not and what
you think of this chapter, I only write for all you lovely readers but I dont
know if I am doing ok unless you tell me. SO thanks to everyone who has
reviewed and I hope this longer version of the story turned out ok... I am
aware it still needs some editing but have ran out of time this week and
thought I would give you as is... LHx
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!