Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/340996.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural_RPF
  Relationship:
      Jensen_Ackles/Jared_Padalecki, Jensen_Ackles/Christian_Kane, Jared
      Padalecki/OMCs
  Additional Tags:
      Past_Abortion, Past_Underage_Sex, past_underage_alcohol_abuse, past
      underage_smoking, past_underage_drug_use, Alcohol_Abuse/Alcoholism,
      chain-smoking, Cutting, Mpreg
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-02-16 Chapters: 4/4 Words: 14303
****** Consequences ******
by disturbinglynic
Summary
     Jared met Jensen when he was only sixteen and after one night of
     passion, Jared finds himself with child. Forced to get rid of it by
     his parents, Jared's life, which once had a bright future, goes to
     hell practically overnight. A chance meeting seven years later brings
     Jensen back into Jared's life, but he's happily in a committed
     relationship. Jensen makes it his job to help get Jared sober, and an
     old passion is rekindled. Pregnant with another child Jared knows he
     has to tell Jensen about the one that they could have had all those
     years ago. When Jensen finds out the truth, he walks out on Jared.
     More depressed than ever, but unwilling to hurt his child, he starts
     abusing himself in ways that he never did with alcohol and
     cigarettes. When he winds up in the hospital Jensen comes to his aid,
     but is the past too much to overcome for them to have a happy future?
Notes

     [http://pics.livejournal.com/disturbinglynic/pic/0001er00/s640x480]
                                 Art by bflyw
***** Chapter 1 *****
[http://pics.livejournal.com/disturbinglynic/pic/0001fcad]
The sun was shining in through the curtains lighting the room enough for Jared
to make out the features of the man in bed with him. Jensen was beautiful when
he was asleep. Jensen was beautiful anyway, but he was even better like this,
when he wasn’t showing off for anyone else, when he wasn’t joking
around. He was still and quiet now, his features relaxed. Jared took the
opportunity to stare.
 
Jensen’s skin was golden from the sun, a light smattering of freckles
adorned his face. His eyelashes were almost feminine, but they suited Jensen.
His eyes, closed now, were green and always sparkling. Jared could see why
Jensen was a model. Jared could see why Jensen made such a fantastic model.
Jared knew that he could spend all day just watching Jensen. He considered
himself lucky that he and Jensen had auditioned for the same part. Jared had
flown into LA from Texas for this, but Jensen was already in LA for the
modeling. They were in a motel room now, the one that Jared was staying in
while he was out here.
 
Jared would be leaving to go back to San Antonio in just a few hours. He was
only sixteen. He had to go back to school since he hadn’t gotten the
part. Jensen hadn’t gotten the part either, but Jared was pretty sure
that what he had gotten with Jensen was so much better than the commercial
anyway.
 
It had been Jared’s fist time. It had obviously not been Jensen’s
first time, though he hadn’t expected any less. He was sure that once
Jensen had found out that he was a virgin, he would have laughed and walked out
on Jared. Instead, he had just smiled and kissed him. Jensen had been
wonderful. It had been everything that Jared could have hoped for for his first
time, as girly as that sounded.
 
Jared wanted nothing more than to stay right here with Jensen and not go back
to San Antonio. Jensen was twenty and had his own apartment. He could crash
there for a while, get a job, and just be with Jensen. It was ridiculous to
want all of that after just one night, but he couldn’t help himself. It
was just wishful thinking anyway. He was going back to San Antonio and who knew
if he would ever see Jensen again.
***** Chapter 2 *****
[http://pics.livejournal.com/disturbinglynic/pic/0001gd3s]

Finally it was time for him to go on break. He’d been on his feet for
hours now and he really needed a cigarette. He stepped out back and sat down,
lighting up a cigarette. The first inhale was a relief. There was nobody around
so he decided to stretch out and lie down. There weren’t enough breaks
during his shift. He hated going so fucking long without a cigarette. It was
the only thing that kept him feeling normal when he wasn’t drinking. The
drinking would come later, after his shift was over.
 
He could hear laughter from around the front of the building. Another group of
people for him to wait on. Fan-fucking-tastic. Being a waiter wasn’t the
worst thing in the world, but when he got groups of assholes who just got drunk
off their asses, he hated it. And he always got groups of assholes who got
drunk off their asses.
 
Jared finished off his cigarette and lit another one. He always needed more
than one to get him through his shifts. He was glad it was finally getting
cooler out at night. It was nice after running around the restaurant all
evening long. He relished his smoke breaks for more than just the cigarette
itself. This was his time away from the restaurant. This was his time to
himself. Not that he didn’t have plenty of alone time. He had his own
apartment, as crappy as it was. He had already done the sharing of apartments,
and as soon as he had saved up enough money, he had gotten his own place. He
needed the solitude and he couldn’t get that at work. He had to play
nice at work. He had to pretend to care about people, the customers at the very
least. His coworkers had given up on trying to talk to him about anything that
wasn’t work related.
 
Jared sighed and decided to light one more cigarette. He still had time for it,
and if he was going to be the one to wait on that laughing group, then he was
going to need it. He still had four more hours of this bullshit to deal with.
He just wanted to go home and watch some bad TV while he drank himself into
oblivion.
 
Jared finished off his cigarette and got to his feet. With a huge sigh, he made
his way back into the restaurant. He checked on the tables he had left with
food and made sure everyone was still doing okay, then he made his way over to
the large group that of course had been seated in his section. He froze before
he got to the table. There was no fucking way that this was possible. He had
given up hope so long ago even though, if he admitted the truth, this was the
reason he had moved to LA in the first place.
 
He started walking again, and the closer he got to the table, the more sure he
was of who was sitting there. He hadn’t seen Jensen in seven years
though. Hell, he wondered if Jensen would even remember him. Probably not.
Jared had just been another notch in his bed post probably. Though at the time,
it had felt like more. Jared had always thought that they had a real
connection, but they had only had the one night and then they had to go their
separate ways.
 
He finally made it to the table and was surprised when Jensen’s eyes lit
up at the sight of him. Apparently Jensen did remember him. Even after seven
years. Jared’s breath caught and there were definitely butterflies in
his stomach now. Jensen smiled at him and knees went weak. That smiled haunted
his dreams so often. “Hey! It’s Jared, right?”
 
Jared nodded and forced himself to speak. “Jensen, how have you
been?”
 
“Can’t complain. What about you?”
 
Jared shrugged and looked around.
 
“Well give me your number. We should catch up.”
 
Jared had to fight to keep his smile from being too silly. He didn’t
want Jensen to think that he was some lovestruck teenage girl. He wrote his
number down on his pad and tore it off to hand to Jensen. He took their orders
and managed to get back to the kitchen without making a complete ass of
himself. Three cigarettes was not going to be enough. Actually, a shot would
really be great right about now. Despite his wanting to see Jensen again, even
after all of this time, it brought up some painful shit from his past and he
wasn’t sure he was ready to deal with any of that right now.
 
He made it through the rest of his shift in a kind of daze. Now that Jensen had
appeared, he couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened seven years
ago. Not that he ever really stopped thinking about it, but it seemed different
somehow now. It was a relief when his shift was over. He was glad that he
walked instead of drove. The cool night air might help clear his head. And so
would the half dozen or so cigarettes he would smoke on the walk home.
 
It would have been so easy for Jensen to forget Jared. Sure they had gotten
along well at the auditions and afterwards they had had some amazing sex, but
that was the end of it for Jensen. That hadn’t been the end of it for
Jared. As long as he lived, Jared would never be able to forget Jensen. Not
only had Jensen been his first, but Jensen had gotten him pregnant and that was
what made it impossible to ever forget Jensen.
 
He wondered if Jensen would even bother calling him. Part of him hoped that
Jensen wouldn’t. Jared hadn’t exactly done much with his life in
the past seven years. Jared knew what a mess his life had become, and it had
started with his one night stand with Jensen. What could he possibly have to
tell Jensen?
 
He poured himself a generous drink when he got home and lit another cigarette,
sinking down onto the couch. He remembered when he had started drinking and
smoking. Hell, back then he had even done drugs. He had really gone off the
deep end and he had done it just under seven years ago.
 
About a month after his night with Jensen, he had started feeling funny and
throwing up on a regular basis. When it hadn’t gone away he had gotten
his mother to take him to the doctor. When the doctor told him he was pregnant,
his mother had been furious. She had told his father and he had been even more
furious. They had forced him to get an abortion.
 
After the abortion, he had sunk into a deep depression. He had turned to
alcohol first, swiping it from his parents' liquor cabinet whenever he could.
He started sleeping with anyone that would have him, never bottoming, never
wanting to risk pregnancy again because he had managed to get pregnant with
Jensen even though they had used a condom. Drinking led to smoking and then
smoking led to drugs.
 
Jared had started failing his classes, and as soon as he had turned eighteen,
he had dropped out of school and left home. He moved halfway across the country
to LA, part of him hoping that he would find Jensen even though he knew it
wasn’t likely. He had found a couple of guys to room with and had even
done some things for money that he wasn’t necessarily proud of. After he
had finally saved enough money, he had moved into his own place.
 
He had stopped doing drugs, but he couldn’t bring himself to give up the
cigarettes or the alcohol. Especially the alcohol. It was the only thing that
even came close to dulling the pain. Seven years later and the hurt was still
as strong as it was all those years ago.
 
Jared drank until he passed out.
 
*****
 
The ringing of the phone woke him in the morning. He groaned and reached out a
hand to grab for it without bothering to open his eyes.
 
“Hello,” he croaked into the phone.
 
“Jesus. You sound like hell.”
 
Jared shot up, which was a huge mistake because it made the world spin and made
his head pound even harder. He let you a groan. “Sorry. Just a little
hungover.”
 
Jensen chuckled. “Well if you’re feeling up to it, I thought we
could grab lunch later so that we can catch up.”
 
“Yeah, sure. That sounds good. Just let me know when and where.”
 
He wrote down what Jensen said because he didn’t think he’d be
able to remember, and he really wasn’t thinking to clearly anyway, and
then he fell back onto his pillow, hanging up the phone with Jensen.
 
Jared felt around on his nightstand for the painkillers he kept there and dry
swallowed a few. He scrubbed his hands over his face and then dragged himself
out of bed. After a shockingly cold shower, he began to feel a little more
human.
 
It was still fairly early so he still had time before he had to go meet Jensen.
He had no idea what he was going to say to him. He couldn’t tell Jensen
about the baby and he couldn’t tell Jensen that all he had done in the
past seven years was to drink, do drugs, smoke, and drop out of high school. He
was a fucking loser and there was no way that Jensen would look twice at him
anymore. He didn’t even look anywhere as good as he used to. He always
had dark shadows under his eyes and he was too thin and too pale. He tended to
skip meals, choosing to smoke instead and he never spent time outdoors unless
he had to. There was more of a chance of having to talk to people if he was
outside of the safety of his own apartment.
 
This lunch meeting was just a disaster waiting to happen.
 
*****
 
The little bell above the door rang as he entered the diner. He saw Jensen
immediately and headed over before he lost his nerve. He took the seat across
from Jensen and smiled. Now that he was sitting here and looking at Jensen, he
could see that Jensen was still as gorgeous as ever. Time had certainly been
kind to him. Jensen smiled and Jared had to wonder what the fuck he was doing
here. He wasn’t in Jensen’s league anymore, not that he had ever
been. He had only been some annoying teenager that Jensen had found endearing.
 
“The years have been kind to you,” Jared stated pathetically.
 
Jensen’s smile only grew wider. “And you’re still just as
adorable as you were back then.”
 
Jared rolled his eyes. Adorable. Yeah, right. Maybe back then, but not anymore.
Jensen just kept smiling at him.
 
Jensen asked Jared how he liked being a waiter, and they discussed that until
their food arrived. That was when Jensen started asking the hard questions.
 
“So how long have you been out here in LA?”
 
“Since I turned eighteen.”
 
“You’ve been out here for five years?”
 
Jared nodded. “And I’ve been working here for nearly just as
long. How about you?”
 
Jensen didn’t answer his question. “And I’ve noticed that
you’ve taken up smoking as well, and if I’m not mistaken,
drinking too.”
 
Jared shrugged. “Things just didn’t work out as great for me as
they did for you. You’re still the really hot model and I’m just-
“ Jared cut himself off before he could say more. Jensen didn’t
need to know what kind of screw up he really was.
 
“You’re just what?”
 
“It doesn’t matter,” Jared replied, shaking his head.
 
Jensen looked at him, those green eyes taking in Jared, roaming over his body
before looking him in the eye again. “Well, now that I know
you’re here we can start hanging out. You should come over some night
and have dinner with me and Chris.”
 
Jared raised his eyebrows. “Chris?”
 
Jensen nodded. “He’s my boyfriend.”
 
Jared managed to keep the smile on his face but his insides knotted up at the
mention of Jensen’s boyfriend. There had been a part of Jared that had
hoped that he would get to start things with Jensen where they had left off.
Now any hope of that was gone. Jared could try becoming Jensen’s friend
and seeing where things would take them, but he wouldn’t push Jensen to
cheat. He wasn’t that much of a dick.
 
Jared swallowed hard. “Sure. Sounds good.”
 
“When’s your next night off?”
 
“Tomorrow night, actually.”
 
Jensen grabbed the receipts and the pen that the waitress had left and wrote
his address on the back of one. “Come over tomorrow night, say around
seven?”
 
Jared took the offered receipt and nodded. “Should I bring
anything?”
 
Jensen winked at him. “Nope. Just bring your adorable little
self.” With that, Jensen got up and walked out leaving Jared at the
table, blushing even though he was rolling his eyes. Now it looked like he was
stuck having dinner with Jensen and his boyfriend, Chris, tomorrow night. He
let out a sigh and got up from the table. Looked like he would be drowning his
sorrows in alcohol again tonight.
 
*****
 
Jared had probably gone through half a pack of cigarettes just on his way over
to Jensen’s. He was nervous as fuck about having dinner with Jensen and
the boyfriend. Jared was pretty sure that this was a disaster in the making,
and yet here he was, standing on their front porch - because they had a fucking
house together - finger hovering over the doorbell. He wasn’t getting
any braver just standing outside their front door, so he gave himself a mental
shake and pushed in the doorbell. He could hear a dog barking in the house and
a man’s voice that he didn’t recognize yelling at the dog to stop
barking.
 
Jensen threw open the door and beamed at Jared. Jared’s jaw dropped and
he immediately snapped it close. Jensen was wearing glasses and a worn pair of
jeans with a ratty tee. He looked comfortable and he looked even more gorgeous
than he did in all those photographs that Jared had ever seen of him.
“Come on in, Jared!”
 
Jared smiled and walked past Jensen into the house. “Jeez kid, did you
smoke a whole carton before you got here?” Jared turned to find Jensen
waving a hand in front of his face, a sour look on his face.
 
Jared looked at him sheepishly. “Sorry. I don’t have any cologne
or anything with me.”
 
“The least you can do is go wash your hands. Bathroom is just down
there,” Jensen said gesturing down the hallway. Jared found the bathroom
and locked himself in. He scrubbed a hand over his face and scowled at his
reflection. The evening was off to a great start already. He turned the water
on and lathered up, scrubbing his hands until they were raw. Now he really
wished that he had some cologne or something to spray on himself so he
didn’t smell so much like smoke. He was so used to the smell that it
wasn’t something he ever noticed, but of course Jensen would. Jensen was
perfect. He wouldn’t smoke.
 
Jared took as long as he thought he could get away with in the bathroom before
finally unlocking the door and walking out. He followed his nose to the kitchen
where he found Jensen in the arms of a man, Chris, he assumed, smiling as Chris
kissed his cheek. Chris noticed him first and smiled at him. “You must
be Jared.” He disentangled himself from Jensen and walked over to Jared,
holding out his hand. Jared took it and they shook. “And you must be
Chris.”
 
Jensen walked over to the both of them and slung an arm around Jared.
“Ready for dinner?” Jared shrugged but let Jensen lead him to the
table. The table was filled with food. Jared wasn’t sure he could eat
that much. It smelled delicious though. Jared wasn’t much of a cook so
he ate a lot at his restaurant. He had kind of missed having home cooked meals.
 
Jared spared a brief moment to wonder where the dog was. He didn’t see
it so Chris must have either put him outside or locked him into one of the
rooms so that they could eat in peace. Jared didn’t mind. He liked
animals but he didn’t feel like dealing with a dog at the moment.
 
Jensen set a glass of water down in front of him and when Jared looked up,
Jensen had a look of determination that quickly turned into a smile when he saw
that Jared was looking at him. If he had to wager a guess, it would seem that
Jensen was determined to get him back on track, though he couldn’t
understand why. It’s not as if they really knew each other that well.
Just because they shared one night of passion didn’t mean that Jared was
somehow Jensen’s responsibility. Jared also couldn’t say why he
knew that Jensen wanted to fix him. Maybe it was the way that Jensen had looked
at him yesterday during lunch, or the way Jensen had just looked at him. Either
way, he was sure that he was right.
 
Jared figured that if anyone could get him to stop drinking and smoking then it
would be Jensen. But he also figured that it wasn’t going to happen, and
even if it did, Jared was going to put up one hell of a fight. He liked smoking
and he liked drinking himself into oblivion. And on rare nights he enjoyed
fucking himself into oblivion too. He would pick random men up at the
restaurant and sometimes he would even pick up prostitutes. It didn’t
matter. It wasn’t as if he was looking for anything special, and even if
he had been, he was kind of already shit out of luck.
 
Dinner would have been quiet if Jensen and Chris hadn’t kept up the
conversation. They both asked him questions, which he answered in as few words
as possible. He couldn’t believe he had given up a night of drinking for
this. It was still early though. Maybe he would go to a club and pick up some
stranger, fuck him raw while he pictured Jensen with the glasses and the worn
clothes. It sounded like a good enough plan to him.
 
It was like Jensen had read his mind though. After dessert he suggested they
put in a movie and just hang out together. When Jared tried to get out of it,
Jensen insisted, and really, he couldn’t say no to Jensen. Hell, if
Jensen turned on the charm looking the way he did then Jared was pretty sure he
would agree to anything. Well, almost anything.
 
Jared couldn’t sit still though. He was in desperate need of a cigarette
but he was sure that if he tried to walk outside to light one up then Jensen
would find some way to keep him in the house. So Jared sat, growing more
irritated by the second. Jensen finally noticed that something was wrong.
 
“What’s the matter with you?”
 
“I want a fucking cigarette,” Jared growled. Jensen shook his
head. “No. You don’t need a cigarette.”
 
“How the fuck would you know? Have you ever smoked?” He was
irritated and he was taking it out on Jensen. He should feel bad about that but
he really didn’t give a shit right now. He just wanted a cigarette.
 
Jensen got up and walked into the kitchen, rummaging around in the cupboard. He
came back and tossed something into Jared’s lap. It was a lollipop.
Jared looked up at Jensen and scowled. “What the fuck am I supposed to
do with this?”
 
Jensen smirked. “You suck on it.”
 
Jared glared at him but unwrapped the lollipop anyway because damn he needed
something, anything, even if he’d rather have a cigarette. After a few
minutes he could definitely say that he preferred a cigarette, but the lollipop
wasn’t really that bad. It didn’t ease his crankiness though. He
really fucking wanted a cigarette, but if Jensen was going to be all high and
mighty and not let him, then he supposed he could deal with just the lollipop.
As soon as he left here he would probably smoke the other half of that pack.
 
The movie finished and Jared got off the couch, stretching and yawning.
“Thanks for having me over guys, but I should really get going
now.”
 
Jensen looked like he wanted to protest, but thankfully he kept his mouth shut.
Jared said goodnight to both Chris and Jensen at the door, since they had both
insisted on walking him to it, and headed out. As soon as the door shut behind
him he pulled out a cigarette and lit it, sighing in relief at the first drag.
Despite Jensen having insisted he stay over for the movie, it was still fairly
early so Jared headed to the nearest gay bar to hook up with someone.
 
Once inside the bar, he found someone almost instantly and dragged him back to
the bathrooms. In one of the small stalls of the bathroom he fucked the guy
with rough thrusts, picturing the way that Jensen had looked at dinner. He came
hard, as did his partner, tossed the condom and walked out without another word
to the guy.
 
Back inside his apartment he went straight for his booze, not even bothering to
pour it into a glass. He took the bottle into bed with him and imagined all the
ways that his life could have gone right, all of them including Jensen and the
baby.
 
*****
 
His head was pounding in the morning and it matched the pounding at his door.
He groaned and dragged himself out of bed wondering who the fuck would be
visiting him. It’s not like he had any friends or anything. He was
shocked to find Jensen standing at his door. “What do you want?”
He was angry at having been woken up so damned early and he was taking it out
on Jensen.
 
“Get dressed. I’m taking you out to breakfast.”
 
Jared scowled at him but did what he was asked. At least it didn’t
appear that Chris would be at breakfast with them, so maybe this wasn’t
so bad. He grabbed some clothes and then shuffled into the bathroom. He took a
piss and then splashed cold water on his face before finally brushing his
teeth. He tamed his hair the best he could and then changed into the fresh
clothes. He still felt like hell when he stepped out of the bathroom but at
least he was more awake now and probably wouldn’t scare anyone off.
 
“Great. Let’s go.”
 
Jared followed Jensen out of the apartment and couldn’t help wondering
what the hell this was all about. It seemed that every time he opened his mouth
around Jensen though, he was short, so he decided to just keep his mouth shut
and wait to find out what the hell was going on.
 
They made it to a diner and Jensen held the door open for him. He was assaulted
with the smell of bacon, mostly. His stomach growled despite the fact that he
still felt kind of queasy. He hoped his stomach would take the food because
that was all he needed- to puke up his breakfast in front of Jensen. Jensen
would surely not want to be his friend after that.
 
They were seated quickly and Jared ordered a small breakfast of just bacon and
eggs and toast. He wasn’t really sure about the eggs though. Those might
be a mistake, but he really hoped that they weren’t. His coffee came out
almost immediately and he was grateful for that. He was going to need it if he
was going to get through this breakfast with Jensen.
 
When he felt like he could ask it calmly, he finally spoke up. “So
what’s this about?”
 
“I want to talk to you about your… habits.” Jensen was
looking him in the eye but the hands gripping his coffee mug where white from
gripping too tightly. “I want to talk about the smoking and the
drinking.”
 
“Why? What does it matter? Why do you even care?”
 
Jensen put his coffee mug down. “We had a connection Jared, and just
because I’m with someone else now doesn’t mean we can’t
still have a friendship. I don’t want to see you throw away your
life.”
 
Jared snorted. “It’s a little too late for that.”
 
“Jared, what happened?”
 
“Look, something bad happened to me and it fucked up my life completely.
I started smoking and drinking and even did drugs.”
 
Jensen’s eyes widened.
 
“Don’t worry. I don’t do drugs anymore.”
 
“What was it that could have possibly screwed up your life so
much?”
 
Jared shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. As soon as I could, I took
off. If I never see my parents again, I’ll be a very happy
person.”
 
“Jared, when you say you took off… did you even finish
school?”
 
Jared looked away and didn’t answer. He was a complete failure. His life
was a complete failure. He would never be good enough for Jensen. He would
never be good enough for anyone.
 
“Have you ever considered getting your GED?”
 
Jared shrugged. “What would be the point?”
 
“The point would be to get your life back on track. It’s not too
late to make something of yourself. Don’t you want something better than
what you have now?”
 
Jared glared at Jensen. “I’m perfectly fine the way I am.”
 
Jensen snorted. “You keep telling yourself that, kid. You keep up the
way you are and you’re gonna wind up in the gutter.”
 
Jared was only growing angrier now. How dare Jensen come into his life and
start judging him like he was better than him. “You don’t even
know anything about me!”
 
“I know enough.”
 
Jared snorted and thankfully the food arrived at their table. Jared dug in,
Jensen’s eyes watching him. Finally Jensen focused on his own food and
Jared felt himself breathe a little easier. The meal was silent. He supposed
Jensen was done bugging him for the moment, but he knew that wouldn’t
last forever. He didn’t want to hear what Jensen had to say. Jared may
not be happy with his life, but there was nothing else for him. He had already
come to terms with how miserable his life was, and hey, if it ended early from
cancer or alcohol poisoning, then fan-fucking-tastic.
 
When they had finished breakfast, Jensen paid for their food and they left.
Jensen didn’t say a word the whole way back to Jared’s apartment.
Jensen walked him to his door. “Jared, I still think we should talk
further about this.”
 
“No, Jensen. I’m done talking about this. Maybe we
shouldn’t be friends either, at least not if you’re going to keep
pushing this on me.” Jared flinched at the look of hurt in
Jensen’s eyes, but he didn’t apologize for what he had said.
 
“Well, if that’s how you feel then.” Jensen’s voice
was barely above a whisper. He turned around and walked away from Jared,
walking out of his life once again. This time it wasn’t circumstances
though, it was Jared’s own choice. He had pushed Jensen out of his life
even though he wanted Jensen in his life. He had pushed Jensen out of his life
rather than tell him the truth about their past, rather than tell Jensen the
real reason that he was so fucked up.
 
Jared had to be at work later but he went straight for the liquor anyway.
 
*****
By the time Jared made his way to the restaurant for his shift he was trashed.
He was more than trashed. He wasn’t even sure how he was walking. He
wondered if he could get away with this at work. That would be something else.
He didn’t think it would happen though. He was kind of really fucked up.
Actually, Jared didn’t think he’d been this fucked up since right
after the abortion.
 
He stumbled into the restaurant and unfortunately right into his manager.
“Steve!!!! ‘Sup?” Jared giggled manically.
 
Steve yanked him out of the restaurant and glared at him. At least Jared was
pretty sure that Steve was glaring. He couldn’t really see straight and
Steve was kinda blurry. “Jared, just what do you think you’re
doing showing up for work drunk beyond the capacity to hold yourself
upright?”
 
Jared snorted. “Can hold myself upright just fine,” he mumbled.
 
Steve sighed. “Jared, you know we can’t tolerate this. I think
you should go home, and you won’t be coming back.”
 
Jared forced himself to focus on Steve. “You firing me?”
 
“Yes, Jared. Now go home.” Steve walked back into the restaurant
and left Jared standing there by himself.
 
Slowly, Jared began to make his way back home. Now what the fuck was he going
to do? Jared let out a sigh. Tomorrow morning he was going to have to start
looking around for another job, probably as a waiter still. If people found out
that he had gotten fired from this job for being drunk though, then he was
screwed.
 
Jared nearly stumbled over Jensen when he got back to his apartment.
“What are ya doin’ here?”
 
“I was going to sit here and wait until you got home. I felt bad about
the way things went this morning. Are you drunk?”
 
“Pssh.” Jared waved him off.
 
Jensen let out a sigh and grabbed Jared’s keys from him. He opened the
door and shoved Jared through it. Jared stumbled but managed to stay on his
feet. “You tryin’ to trip me?”
 
“Sure, why not? Maybe a good knock to the head is what you need.”
 
Jared snorted. “Yeah. That’s it.”
 
Jensen led him to the nearest chair and sat him down in it. He left Jared and
Jared toed off his sneakers and leaned back against the chair, closing his
eyes. He heard Jensen walk back into the room and felt a glass being pushed
into his hand. Jared opened his eyes and looked down to see a glass of water.
He drank it down gratefully.
 
“Jared, Chris and I were talking, and I was wondering if you’d
like to move in with us.”
 
“Yeah. Sure. And then you’ll take all of my fun away. If I come
live with you I won’t be able to drink or smoke.”
 
“That’s true, but even if you don’t move in with us
I’m going to pester you.”
 
“Pretty sure I told you we shouldn’t be friends.”
 
“I know what you said. I don’t care. I want to help you.”
 
“Don’t want help.”
 
Jensen pulled Jared off the chair and shoved him in the direction of the
bedroom. He pushed him down onto the bed. Jared sank into the bed happily, not
caring that he was still dressed or that he was over the covers.
 
“I’ll be here after you sleep this off.”
 
Jared grunted and fell asleep.
 
*****
 
His head was pounding again. Really, this was something that he was used to.
What he wasn’t used to was waking up with somebody glaring down at him.
“What the fuck are you still doing here?”
 
“I told you I would be here when you woke up.”
 
Jared groaned and rolled over. He didn’t have the energy to deal with
Jensen right now, but Jensen wasn’t having any of it. Jensen shook him,
none to gently. “Get your ass out of bed and get showered.”
 
“Who the fuck do you think you are? I don’t have to listen to
this.”
 
Jensen dragged him out of bed though and let him drop down to the floor. If
Jared was feeling better he would have gotten off the floor and hit Jensen. He
wasn’t feeling well though, so he just braced himself on his bed and
forced himself into a standing position. He glared at Jensen and headed for the
bathroom to shower, but not because Jensen wanted him to.
 
He let the hot water ease his muscles and stayed under the spray until the hot
water was gone. He took his time going through the rest of his morning routine.
He knew Jensen would still be out there so he planned on making him wait. Who
the hell did Jensen think he was coming over here and demanding he sober up.
They hadn’t even seen each other in seven years. It was completely
ridiculous.
 
When he walked out of the bathroom Jensen was standing there waiting for him,
arms crossed over his chest.
 
Jared let out a sigh. “Still here are you?”
 
“Let’s get some food in you, kid.”
 
“Not hungry.”
 
“I don’t care. You’re eating anyway and I imagine you
don’t have anything in this shithole to eat, so let me take you
out.”
 
“Nobody is forcing you to be here in this shithole, so why don’t
you just go away and leave me here to be by myself, okay?”
 
For what Jared assumed was not the last time, Jensen was dragging him again,
this time out of the apartment, leading Jared to the nearest diner for food. He
shoved Jared into a seat and sat across from him. This was only their second
breakfast together but Jared was already getting sick of it. Or at least he was
getting sick of Jensen’s attitude, though part of his brain was telling
him that his own attitude was a lot worse. He ignored it though. He’d
rather focus on how irritating Jensen was being.
 
It wasn’t as if he didn’t know that Jensen was just trying to
help him, but Jared just didn’t want the help. What was the point if in
the end he wouldn’t get the man he wanted anyway.
 
They didn’t talk until their orders had been placed and Jared was
greedily drinking his coffee. Jared wasn’t the one who started the
conversation. He didn’t want to be here and he didn’t want to
hear whatever it was that Jensen had to say.
 
“Jared, I still think it would be a good idea if you moved in with me
and Chris, at least until we can get you back on your feet.”
 
Jared rolled his eyes. “I’m not planning on giving up the smoking
or drinking anytime soon so why are you still bothering?”
 
“Because I remember how you were when we first met. You were so bright
and full of life. I just want that for you again.” Jensen had been
sincere in what he said, and it made Jared think twice about the help he was
being offered. “I don’t want to impose on you and Chris.”
 
“You wouldn’t be imposing. He’s agreed to help with
this.”
 
“Why? He doesn’t even know me. You hardly even know me.”
 
“It doesn’t matter. We got along once and you need help now. Let
us help you.”
 
Their food arrived, saving Jared the trouble of answering. He didn’t
know how he felt about living with Jensen and Chris. He could live without
hearing the two of them every night, doing what he and Jensen had once done,
something he would never get to experience again. And yet, there was so much
sincerity in Jensen’s eyes, and pleading as well. It seemed that Jensen
somehow felt that he was responsible for Jared now despite the fact that Jared
was twenty-three and not sixteen.
 
Would it really be so bad though? He’d been on his own for so long
though, and even though he liked his space, he would get to be around Jensen,
even if he couldn’t be around Jensen the way that he wanted to be.
 
“You’re not going to try and give me a curfew or anything, are
you?”
 
Jensen chuckled. “Wouldn’t dream of it. You are twenty-three
after all. There will be rules about the smoking and the drinking
though.”
 
“Am I going to have to quit cold turkey?”
 
“No.”
 
So why the hell not? What did Jared have to lose? Jensen was the one person
that he had been hoping to run into in his five years here, so why not take him
up on this offer? If anything he would get a friend out of this whole thing.
Besides, he knew it was time to finally give up the alcohol and the cigarettes.
He knew this, he really did. He had just lost his fucking job because he had
been so fucking drunk. Who knew if he would be able to get another job now, and
even if he did, who was to say that he wasn’t going to get fired from
that one too because he showed up drunk one night.
 
“Why the fuck not.”
 
Jensen scowled at him. “There’s the positive attitude I was
looking for.”
 
“Look, you got me to agree to live with you guys and to try this, what
the fuck more do you want from me?”
 
Jensen sighed. “Fine. Let’s go back to your place and pack your
things up.”
 
Jared followed Jensen out of the diner and honestly wondered what the fuck he
had just gotten himself into.
***** Chapter 3 *****
[http://pics.livejournal.com/disturbinglynic/pic/0001hkx9]

The sun was shining brightly through the windows. It was probably already well
into the afternoon. Late nights at the restaurant did that to him. At least now
when he woke up in the morning, or in the afternoon, he wasn’t
completely miserable. And by miserable he meant hungover.
 
It had been a year since he had moved in with Jensen and Chris. His progress
had been slow, but they had been patient with him. Mostly Jensen had been
patient with him. Chris had been at first, but as Jared stayed with them longer
and as Jensen spent more of his time with Jared, Chris had become very unhappy,
and rightfully so. Even Jared had noticed how much time Jensen was spending
with him rather than Chris.
 
Even though it was what he had wanted, he had brought up the issue with Jensen
because he really didn’t want to be that much of an asshole, and Chris
was a decent guy. He didn’t deserve to be treated the way Jensen had
been treating him. Jensen had just shrugged it off though, and Jared
hadn’t bothered bringing it up since then.
 
That’s why he wasn’t really surprised to hear raised voices from
down the hallway. They were arguing about Jared. Again.
 
Jared had definitely overstayed his welcome. He was clean now and it was time
for him to move out and get on with his life. He groaned and got out of bed,
heading for the shower. He turned the water as hot as he could stand and sighed
as he stood under the spray.
 
Detoxing had been one of the worst things he had ever experienced, and he
definitely couldn’t imagine going through anything so horrifying again.
It was something he would never wish upon his worst enemy.
 
Things were better for him now though. He felt good, he felt strong. He was
stronger, actually. He had taken to lifting weights to get through some of the
tougher periods, when he wanted nothing more than to take a drink. He was a lot
more built now than he used to be.
 
He could think more clearly too. Now that he wasn’t always in a fog
because of the alcohol, now that he wasn’t damaging his brain. He
hadn’t felt this good in years. Hell, he wasn’t sure he had ever
felt this good.
 
When he got out of the shower, Jensen and Chris were still arguing. Jared
actually worried a bit. They had never argued for this long before, at least
not that he knew about. He dried off, brushed his teeth, put some clothes on,
and they still hadn’t finished arguing. He was hungry but he
didn’t want to go out there and interrupt them. He didn’t really
want to sit here and listen to them argue either.
 
He paced his room, trying to decide what to do, when finally the arguing
stopped. The front door slammed shut shortly after. Jared walked out of his
room and slipped quietly down the hall. Jensen was sitting at the kitchen table
with his head bowed over.
 
Jared didn’t say anything. He just walked up to Jensen, placed a hand on
his shoulder and squeezed. Jensen didn’t lift his head but he did place
his own hand over Jared’s. Without thinking about what he was doing, he
leaned down and kissed Jensen’s cheek before removing his hand and going
to get himself some food.
 
“You don’t work tonight, right?”
 
“Sure don’t.”
 
“Okay. It’s just you and me for dinner tonight.”
 
Jared froze in front of the refrigerator. He swallowed hard. “Is he
coming back?” he whispered.
 
“No.”
 
Jared slammed the fridge door shut. “Damn. I’m too late.”
 
“What are you talking about?”
 
“I was just thinking that I needed to leave and find my own place, that
I needed to give you guys your privacy back.”
 
Jensen got up from the table and wrapped his arms around Jared. “I would
have never let you go so it doesn’t matter.”
 
“Jensen, I cost you your relationship. I never wanted to do
that.”
 
Jensen snorted. “You wouldn’t have done it on purpose, but are
you really telling me this isn’t exactly what you wanted?”
 
Jared pushed Jensen away. “Are you even upset about this? Do you even
care that Chris just walked out on you?”
 
“I was happy with Chris, I really was, but then you came back into my
life. I wasn’t fair to Chris and I feel terrible about that, but there
isn’t any way I can fix that now.”
 
Jared didn’t answer. He grabbed his food and headed back to his room,
shutting his door behind him. He sat down on his bed and let out a sigh. It was
everything that he wanted, but he didn’t want it like this. Especially
not after the past year. He had changed. He was more like the guy Jensen had
met eight years ago. Just older and maybe even a little wiser. He wasn’t
angry the way he had been when he had been drinking.
 
There were all good things, but it meant that he couldn’t just hook up
with Jensen now, not like this. Jensen needed time and so did Jared, at least
if he wanted to keep from feeling too guilty.
 
Jared decided to keep to his room for the day until dinner. Jensen needed the
time to think.
 
*****
 
“You hid out in your room all day. If I didn’t know any better, I
would say that you didn’t like me.”
 
“I wanted to give you your space. You need time to think.”
 
Jensen nodded. “I called Chris. He didn’t really want to talk to
me but I only called to apologize to him anyway. He deserved at least that. You
were right.”
 
“Well good. At least you did that.”
 
“He said he forgives me. He had hoped we could work things out, but he
knew as soon as I met you in the restaurant that night that you hadn’t
left my heart.”
 
“We hardly knew each other.”
 
“I know, but I never stopped thinking about you.”
 
Jared didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t been able to stop
thinking about Jensen either, though for different reasons. If he hadn’t
become pregnant, he wondered if he would have still thought of Jensen all the
time, if he would have wondered what could have been. He probably would have.
That night with Jensen had been pretty unforgettable.
 
“I don’t want to rush into things.”
 
“Okay. We’ll take things your pace.”
 
“Just like that?”
 
Jensen shrugged. “I’ve been waiting a long time for you.
Wasn’t sure I would ever get you back, even after I found you in that
restaurant. I know you’re not going anywhere now. I can wait.”
 
*****
 
Jensen was true to his word and they were taking things at Jared’s pace.
Not that Jared wanted to go at a snail’s pace or anything, but he wanted
to make sure that he was the only person Jensen was thinking of. Not that he
even really doubted that. Jensen had taken him into his home, and Jared had
seen what it had done to his relationship with Chris.
 
So he and Jensen dated for a few weeks, never doing anything more than kissing.
Jared was starting to get antsy though and he knew that Jensen was also.
 
They had just finished dinner and were on their way back home. Jared linked his
fingers through Jensen’s, glad they had picked a place they could easily
walk to. The night air was cool and fresh, and there wasn’t a cloud in
sight. When they stopped at a corner Jared leaned in and kissed Jensen. It was
sweet, tongues just barely touching, and it held the promise of something more.
 
Jensen squeezed his hand and smiled at him. They crossed the street and
finished their walk home, footsteps falling more quickly this time.
 
As soon as the door was locked behind them Jensen had him pressed against it,
mouth devouring his, hands roaming his body, finding their way under his shirt
to bare skin. Jensen’s mouth left his and started leaving open mouthed
kisses along his neck.
 
“Bedroom,” Jared growled. Jensen yanked him away from the door
and they shed their clothes as they made their way to Jensen’s bedroom.
Falling into bed with Jensen had been just as easy as it had been eight years
ago.
 
Jensen was still as beautiful as he had been eight years ago. He was still all
golden skin, green eyes, and freckles. The only difference now was just a few
laugh line wrinkles and though he was still in great shape, he wasn’t
quite as hard as he had been. It just made him even more beautiful though. And
he was all Jared’s to touch, to look at, to kiss, and to lose himself
in.
 
*****
Jared rolled over, not quite awake yet, and felt the nausea roll through him.
He hurried out of bed and ran for the bathroom. He remembered doing this a
little more than eight years ago. He remembered what this was like. He just
hoped that Jensen would react better than his family had.
 
“You okay, Jared?”
 
Speak of the devil. Jared figured that he should get this out as quickly as
possible, just get over it. “I think I’m pregnant.”
 
“Pregnant? What makes you say that?”
 
What indeed. He couldn’t tell Jensen just yet about what had happened
more than eight years ago. “I’ve just been feeling a bit off
lately, and now I’m throwing up. Seems pretty suspicious to me.”
 
“We’ll take you to the doctor and see for sure, okay?”
 
Jared nodded. “If I am pregnant, are you okay with that?”
 
Jensen sat on the floor next to him and wrapped his arms around him. “If
you are pregnant, then I don’t think I could possibly be any
happier.”
 
“Yeah?” Jared hated how broken his voice sounded, but after
everything that he’d been through he wasn’t sure he could believe
that Jensen would be happy.
 
“Absolutely. I’ve always wanted a family. And I’ve been in
love with your for over eight years now.
 
Jared grabbed a piece of toilet paper and wiped his mouth before looking at
Jensen, eyes wide. “You’ve never said that before.”
 
“I know, and I should have said it sooner, but that doesn’t make
it any less true.”
 
“I love you too, you know that, right?”
 
“I do, but thanks for telling me.” Jensen leaned in and pressed a
kiss to his temple. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up and then
to a doctor.”
 
Jared nodded and let Jensen help him up and to the sink. He brushed his teeth
and then let Jensen steer him towards the shower. Jared didn’t talk. He
couldn’t. The knot of worry inside of him was so overwhelming. He tried
to tell himself that this wouldn’t be like it had been the first time.
Jensen loved him and wanted to have this baby with him. He wasn’t like
Jared’s parents. He wasn’t going to be forced into getting rid of
this baby if he didn’t want to.
 
*****
 
After a trip to the doctor’s office, it was confirmed that Jared was in
fact pregnant. Jensen was ecstatic. He was walking around the kitchen, fixing
them lunch and talking incessantly about converting the room that Jared had
been staying in into a nursery and what colors they should be and on names he
liked depending on if it was a girl or a boy. He went on and on and on, and the
more that Jensen talked, the bigger the knot of worry grew. He was going to
have to tell Jensen about the baby that they could have already had.
 
Jared knew this was something he should have already told Jensen, but it felt
like there had never really been a good time to tell him. And now Jared was
going to have to tell him no matter what.
 
“Jensen, I need to talk to you.”
 
Jensen stopped talking about how to make their home more child friendly and
looked at Jared. “Sounds serious. Is this about the baby? Are you having
second thoughts?”
 
“Jensen, please just sit down. I’m not having second thoughts
about the baby, but there is something that I need to talk to you
about.”
 
Jensen nodded and sat down at the table across from Jared. “I’m
all ears.”
 
Jensen was sitting across the table from him, waiting patiently. Jared kept
fidgeting. He didn’t want to do this but he knew that he needed to. He
gulped down an entire glass of water and still felt parched. Jared was taking
his time but Jensen wasn’t rushing him. Jensen wouldn’t do that
to him.
 
“You’re not gonna like hearing this.”
 
“Jared, you can tell me anything. You should know that by now.”
 
Jared nodded. “It’s about the first time we got together.”
 
“When you were sixteen?”
 
“Yeah. Except it’s more about what happened afterwards. You kind
of left me with a little surprise.”
 
Jensen’s eyes widened. “Don’t tell me you got
pregnant?”
 
Jared nodded.
 
“Well where is our child? Why would you hide something like that for all
the time we’ve been talking again?”
 
“Jensen, my parents forced me to get an abortion.”
 
Jensen went from excited to furious, about the same amount of furious his
parents had been when they had forced him to get the abortion. Jared
instinctively backed away from him. “Jensen, I didn’t have any
choice.”
 
“Of course you did. Did you even bother trying to find me to tell me
about it?”
 
“How can you blame me for that? It’s not like we exchanged phone
numbers or anything.”
 
Jensen slammed his hands down on the table and Jared flinched, backing away
even further. “You could have found me if you had wanted to. It
wouldn’t have been hard. You knew my name and you knew where you could
find me. Damn it, Jared. You should have come to me. Did it ever occur to you
that maybe I wanted this child? That maybe I would have wanted to start a
family with you?”
 
Instead of raising his voice like Jensen had, he kept a calm, even tone.
“You forget that I was only sixteen and was still living with my
parents. You have no idea what happened, you have no idea the circumstances.
Don’t you dare blame this on me. What makes you think that I
didn’t want to keep that child? You’ve been wondering what has
changed to make me want to drink and smoke and do drugs. You have your
answer.”
 
Jensen looked as if he might soften and actually listen to Jared, but that
moment was gone in an instant. His face hardened and he glared at Jared.
“There’s no excuse for what you’ve done. I want you out of
this house.” With that Jensen turned and left, leaving Jared sitting
near the table, tears streaming silently down his face and wondering how things
had gotten so complicated again.
 
*****
 
He really wanted a drink. He wanted to drink himself into oblivion and forget
about this ache inside of him, the heartbreak that threatened to destroy him.
Happily ever after was a joke.
 
He couldn’t drink though, and not because he was more than a year sober.
He had no problem destroying his own life, but he couldn’t harm the one
that was growing inside of him, not after his first had been forcibly removed
from him.
 
He didn’t want to get out of bed either, but he had to work. He needed
money for the baby and for this tiny room that dared to call itself an
apartment. Jensen had said he would help support him and the baby, but Jared
wasn’t counting on that. As far as he was concerned, he was on his own.
 
He dragged himself out of bed and into the shower, standing under the spray of
hot water far longer than he needed to. It felt good and helped to ease some of
his aching muscles. He washed himself quickly when the water began to cool and
then barely toweled off when he stepped out.
 
He stood in front of the sink, still dripping, staring at a fogged mirror.
Sighing, he reached out for his toothbrush. He brushed his teeth as the mirror
cleared, noticing that it was time for him to shave.
 
He was nearly done shaving when he nicked himself. He watched in the mirror as
blood oozed from the cut. It was worse than usual and it stung. He stood there,
entranced, for more than a couple of minutes before finally shaking himself out
of it. He got dressed, plastered on a smile, and headed to work.
 
*****
 
Jared was dead on his feet. His shift had been busy and full of assholes. His
exhaustion was replaced by loneliness and despair when he walked into his tiny
apartment. He laid down on his bed and stared at the ceiling.
 
At work, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the nick from
shaving, which was strange. He couldn’t quite pinpoint why he was so
obsessed with it. It didn’t matter. He needed to get ready for bed. He
needed his sleep.
 
With a sigh, he dragged himself off the bed again and into the bathroom. He
shucked off his clothes and stood in front of his sink. Without really thinking
about it, he opened up the medicine cabinet and pulled out the straight edge he
kept in there. Still unsure of what he was doing and why, he slashed open a
line on his thigh.
 
Pain was the first thing he registered. More than he anticipated because he had
cut deeper than he had intended, despite not having been really sure of what he
had been doing. But that pain was good. He liked how it felt, he liked how it
made him feel. It was a high like he had never experienced before. This was the
type of pain that he could deal with. This didn’t leave an empty ache
inside of him. This was so much better than the drinking or the smoking or even
the drugs. And this wouldn’t hurt his unborn child.
 
He watched the blood trickle down his thigh and smiled, the first real smile
since Jensen had broken his heart in two.
***** Chapter 4 *****
[http://pics.livejournal.com/disturbinglynic/pic/0001kaey]
The cutting had been a sweet release for him, a way for him to feel in control.
If he was forced to admit it, then yeah, he would say he could probably add
another addiction to the list, but at least he wasn’t hurting his child.
 
Jared ran a hand over his protruding belly. He was seven months along now.
Which meant that he had now been alone for six months. Six miserable months and
not one word from Jensen. He hadn’t even been around to go to
doctor’s visits with Jared.
 
Jared was terrified. He didn’t want to go through the birth on his own.
He didn’t want to raise this baby on his own. Jared grabbed the razor
and sliced his thigh, letting the pain fill him up, take him over. He gladly
gave himself over to it.
 
*****
 
Work wasn’t really busy but Jared was feeling exhausted. He was hot and
sweating, and he felt like maybe he was coming down with something. He headed
back to find his manager to see if he could go home when the world swam around
him and then faded away.
 
*****
 
His eyelids fluttered as he struggled to open them. There were beeping noises
and hushed talking.
 
“Jared,” he heard. He knew that voice. He hadn’t thought
he would ever get to hear that voice again. “Jensen? What
happened?”
 
Jared opened his eyes and Jensen’s face came into view.
 
“You’re in the hospital.”
 
“Why? And what are you doing here?”
 
“I’m still your emergency contact. A cut of yours got seriously
infected. You fainted at work and now you’re here.”
 
The tone of Jensen’s voice and the look on his face led Jared to believe
that Jensen knew that Jared had been cutting himself.
 
“The baby?” he asked, ignoring the way Jensen was looking at him.
 
“The baby is fine, and you’re damn lucky about that.”
 
Jared nodded and looked away from Jensen. Here he had thought he had found
something that wouldn’t hurt their child, and yet he had still managed
to put him in danger. Tears started streaming down Jared’s face. He felt
the bed dip with the weight of Jensen sitting next to him.
 
“I can’t say that I’m not disappointed or angry about what
you did, because I definitely am. But I also realized how much of an idiot
I’ve been and how much I still want you in my life. I want the three of
us to be a family. If you’ll give me another chance.”
 
Jared let out a sigh. “It’s not that I don’t want to try,
and it’s not that I don’t want you in my life again, but you know
we can’t just go back to the way things were.”
 
“I know. I want you to move back into the house though. You can sleep in
the spare bedroom if you want, though you’re welcome back in my bed,
just to sleep, of course.”
 
“That’s fine, but I just can’t do this now.”
 
“Okay. I’ll just sit here and leave you alone. If you need to
talk though.”
 
“I know. Thanks.” Jared let himself drift off to sleep.
 
*****
 
Jensen was still there when Jared woke up again, napping in his chair. Jared
took the opportunity to look over him. He looked exhausted and like he had lost
weight. It was the worst Jared had ever seen him. It looked like their months
apart hadn’t been easy for Jensen either. That made Jared feel a bit
better, knowing that Jensen had been suffering.
 
Jensen shifted under Jared’s gaze and then opened his eyes. “How
are you feeling, Jared.”
 
Jared shrugged. “I’m okay. You look like hell.”
 
Jensen nodded. “Yeah, I’ve kind of been miserable.”
 
“Then why didn’t you come see me sooner?”
 
“Because I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. I was so very angry. But
I started realizing that I really didn’t have the right to be angry. If
you say there was nothing you could do, then I believe you. Then I found out
you were here and they wouldn’t tell me what was wrong on the phone. I
was so scared at the thought of losing you and the baby.” Jensen broke
off with a choked sob.
 
“What happens if you find out something else that you don’t like?
Are you going to kick me out again?”
 
Jensen leaned forward and took Jared’s hand in his. “No. I was an
idiot and I know I was an idiot. We’ll work things out. I won’t
hurt you like that again, but Jared, you can’t hurt yourself anymore
either.”
 
Jared looked away from Jensen. He wasn’t ready to talk about this.
 
“We don’t have to discuss this now, that’s fine. The
doctor wants you to go to counseling though, and I think it’s a good
idea. I’ll go with you if you want.”
 
Jared sighed. “Yeah. Okay.”
 
Jensen didn’t say anything else, seeming to understand that Jared
didn’t want to talk any longer.
 
*****
 
Jared had been back at Jensen’s place for about a week now and things
were awkward. Jensen was trying and Jared was trying to forget that Jensen had
kicked him out.
 
Jensen was taking really good care of him. He was also around him constantly,
trying to make sure that Jared didn’t take a razor to himself anymore,
or to do anything else just as destructive, or even more destructive.
 
It was sweet, but just a bit stifling. Jared wasn’t about to try
anything. Especially now that he knew he could put their baby in danger. It
wasn’t worth the risk. It was the only thing keeping him in line though.
Jensen hovering over him did nothing except annoy him.
 
Jared didn’t say anything though. He knew that Jensen was just trying to
help.
 
Meals between them were quiet, and not the comfortable kind of silence. Jared
couldn’t help wondering if it had been such a good idea to move back in
with Jensen, even though it had been exactly what he had wanted. They had
forgotten how to act around each other.
 
What made things worse was knowing that he hadn’t told Jensen the full
story yet. He would though. He was going to have to. He just hoped that Jensen
would keep his word and not run out on him again.
 
*****
 
He was running a hand over his belly nervously. It was his first appointment
with the psychologist. He was glad that Jensen had agreed to come to these
sessions with him. He was sure he’d be more of a basket case if Jensen
wasn’t resting his hand on Jared’s knee. Even with the
awkwardness at home, Jared still relished in the comfort that Jensen brought to
this appointment. It actually made him feel like things were more normal
between them.
 
The door to the office opened. “Jared Padelecki?” Jared stood and
so did Jensen. “I’m Dr. Harris,” the man introduced
himself, holding out his hand to Jared. He turned to Jensen. “And you
must be Jensen Ackles.” He held out his hand for Jensen as well.
“Well, if the two of you will follow me.”
 
They walked into a very comfortable looking office and sat on the couch
together. Dr. Harris was watching the both of them and smiling. “Jared,
from what the doctor at the hospital told me, you know what had lead you down
this path of self destruction. Why don’t you tell me about it.”
 
Jared took in a deep breath. This was why he was here. It was finally time to
get the story out, the whole story. He had warned Jensen that there were parts
he hadn’t heard yet. Jensen had told him that it was okay and they would
work through all of it together.
 
“Nine years ago I met Jensen at an audition for a commercial. We hit it
off instantly. There were sparks, you might say. Anyway, we fell into bed
together. He was my first. We were safe. We used a condom. I had to leave the
next morning though. I didn’t want to and I’m pretty sure Jensen
didn’t want me to. We didn’t exchange phone numbers or anything
though. I’m not sure why. I guess maybe because I was in high school.
That was why I had to leave. I had to go back to school.” Jared paused
and drank some of the water that had been left for him.
 
“I wanted you to stay. Not a day went by that I didn’t regret not
having a way to get in touch with you. I didn’t dare try and track you
down though. I didn’t know what your parents would think.” Jensen
had spoken just above a whisper. Jared turned to look at him and he looked so
sad.
 
That hadn’t been necessary, but it was nice to hear. Jared knew all of
that now, but he hadn’t known back then, and he knew that was part of
why he slid so far so fast. He reached out and squeezed Jensen’s hand.
“I know.” Jensen smiled at him and Jared turned his attention
back to the doctor, keeping Jensen’s hand in his own. He was going to
need it.
 
“I went home and went back to my life, trying to forget about my night
with Jensen. It wasn’t easy. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Then I started getting sick in the morning. It didn’t click, not then.
So after a week of throwing up I finally told my mother and she took me to the
doctor. He told me I was pregnant.” Jared snorted. “My mom
demanded that he test me again. The same results came back, of course. She was
furious. She dragged me out of there and didn’t talk to me the entire
way home. When we got home she told my dad.”
 
Jared paused here, trying to gather his thoughts and his courage. This is where
things had started falling apart. This is where he had begun seeing a side of
his family he hadn’t known existed. It still hurt. There was still an
ache inside of him that he had never been able to quell. It had started to ease
when he and Jensen had first gotten together, but then Jensen had kicked him
out. Jensen was trying to make things right, and so was Jared, but it
wasn’t something that happened overnight. This was something they had to
work hard at, and as much as Jared wanted to, he was just so tired.
 
“I realized things that day about my family that I didn’t know
were possible. They were upset about the pregnancy, yes, but they were more
upset by the fact that I had had sex with a guy. My dad yelled for what felt
like hours and called me names and told me he didn’t raise some
sissy.” Jared let out a shuddering breath and Jensen squeezed his hand.
“My mom didn’t say much but she nodded right along with my dad. I
was in shock. I thought for sure they would be pissed about the pregnancy. What
parent wouldn’t be? I was only sixteen. I thought they would kick me out
because I was gay and because I was pregnant. I think that would have been
preferable.”
 
Tears started streaming down Jared’s face and Jensen unlinked their
hands so he could wrap his arms around him. He buried his face in
Jensen’s neck and tried desperately to get himself under control. He
hadn’t even made it to the worst part yet. Jensen rubbed his back
soothingly and after quite a few minutes had passed, Jared felt that he was
able to talk again. When he pulled away from Jensen he could see tears in his
eyes. And he was about to make it worse.
 
“My brother was in school to be a doctor. He had access to medical
equipment. I don’t know how he got his hands on it. He shouldn’t
have been able to, he shouldn’t have been able to bring it home. I
don’t know what he did. I’m not even sure he had the proper
equipment. They drugged me. My own bed. They did it in my own damn bed. My
family.”
 
Jared should have been crying right then. Hell, he should have been bawling
like a baby right then. He didn’t though. It made him realize just how
horribly broken he really was, and how much he and Jensen were going to have to
get through if they ever wanted this to work. Jensen was holding him tightly
and crying though. “I didn’t know, Jared. I’m so sorry. I
didn’t know and I never even gave you the chance to explain.”
 
“I know.”
 
“I’m so sorry, but we’ll get through this. I know
it’s going to take time, but we will get through this. And hopefully one
day you can forgive me.”
 
Jared didn’t answer him. He just let Jensen hold him. Jensen was right.
They would get through this. Everything was out in the open now. They could
work through it all. And maybe Jared could finally put the past behind him.
 
*****
 
Jared tossed and turned but sleep continued to allude him. He was very aware of
Jensen sleeping in the room down the hall. They had talked extensively after
the therapy appointment and now Jared was completely drained, and yet he
continued to not find sleep.
 
He tossed the covers off of him and dragged himself out of bed. Despite the
fact that they were going to take things slow so they could rebuild their
relationship, Jared had a thought that he would sleep a lot better in
Jensen’s bed.
 
He worried that he might wake Jensen up, but he shouldn’t have been.
When he got to Jensen’s room the bedside lamp was on and Jensen was
reading. He looked up at Jared’s approach. “Hey, what’s
wrong?”
 
Jared shrugged “Can’t sleep.”
 
“Yeah, me neither.” He pulled back the covers in open invitation
to Jared. He hesitated, even though this was the reason that he had come to
Jensen’s room. “Don’t worry. I’ll stay on my side
of the bed.”
 
“I know. I’m just not sure if this is a good idea.”
 
“If it will help you sleep, then it is.”
 
Jared could understand Jensen’s logic. He just wanted what was best for
Jared. He just wanted Jared to be happy and healthy. He just wanted to take
care of Jared. More than anything, he wanted to fix things with Jared.
 
He climbed into bed next to Jensen and tried to get settled. Jensen put his
book down and turned out the light. Jared found that he just couldn’t
get comfortable. He tried every position his pregnant belly would allow but
nothing worked. Beside him Jensen sighed and then fumbled around in his
nightstand drawer.
 
“Lie down on your back and lift your shirt above your stomach.”
 
Jared looked at him questioningly.
 
“Please,” Jensen pleaded. Jared shifted and the lifted up his
shirt as asked. “Thank you. I just want to help.”
 
In the dark Jared made out what looked like Jensen pouring some lotion into his
hand and then rubbing his hands together. He dropped his hands to
Jared’s belly and began rubbing. Jared let out a little whimper, and
then closed his eyes and sighed.
 
This was nice. This was soothing. This was exactly what he needed. He felt
himself drifting off as Jensen continued to rub his belly.
 
*****
 
Jared woke up to the sun shining and an empty bed. He vaguely remembered Jensen
getting ready for work and then leaving him with a kiss on the cheek, telling
him to call if he needed anything. He yawned and stretched, and would have
stayed comfortably on the bed if he didn’t have to pee.
 
Normally he would be frustrated by that. but he felt good, he felt really good.
He hadn’t slept that well in a long time. He didn’t know if it
was the belly rub or sleeping in bed with Jensen or a combination of both.
 
After taking care of morning necessities, he headed out to the kitchen for some
food. He saw that Jensen had cooked and all Jared would need to do was heat up
the dish. He didn’t know why, but it made him smile. It wasn’t
something that Jensen hadn’t done for him before. It felt different this
time though. Maybe they were finally working their way back to the way things
should be between them.
 
Jared whistled as he heated up his food. He took it into the living room and
got comfortable on the couch, turning on the TV and finding a movie that would
keep him entertained for a while.
 
*****
 
A hand on his shoulder shaking him gently woke him. “Hey sleeping
beauty,” Jensen’s smiling face said from above him.
 
“What time is it? What are you doing here?” Jared asked, blinking
rapidly and rubbing a hand over his face, trying to lose the last vestiges of
sleep.
 
“It’s not even noon yet. I came home to have lunch with you. Hope
that’s okay.” Jensen leaned in and kissed his cheek. Jared turned
his head so that their lips met, but he pulled away quickly, keeping the kiss
brief. It had been enough though. Jensen’s smile grew even wider.
“Stay here and I’ll bring lunch to you.” Jensen
didn’t even give him a chance to answer, he just walked off towards the
kitchen.
 
Jared didn’t know what the difference was, but for the first time in a
long time he felt loved. He hadn’t even felt this loved when they had
started sleeping together. It gave Jared hope that things between him and
Jensen weren’t completely destroyed after all.
 
After a few more minutes, Jensen came back to the living room with a tray of
food for them. He had made sandwiches and soup for lunch. They ate in silence,
Jared already having turned off the television. It was a comfortable silence
though and Jared continued feeling relaxed and even happy.
 
They finished their food and Jensen took their dishes into the kitchen. When he
sat back down on the couch with Jared, he sat right next to him instead of on
the opposite end of the couch. “Thanks for last night,” Jared
whispered.
 
Jensen took Jared’s hand in his own and squeezed. “My
pleasure.”
 
Jared sighed and rested his head on Jensen’s shoulder. “I slept
really well last night. I don’t want to make things hard for you but it
would be nice if we could keep doing this.”
 
Jensen kissed the top of his head. “It’s okay. I slept really
well too. We can share a bed and not have sex. We’re adults.”
 
Jared snorted. “You make it sound so easy.”
 
“Isn’t it though? I mean, do you really feel like having sex
right now?”
 
Jared sighed. “No, I really don’t. Good point.”
 
“I have to get back to work. We can talk more tonight if you want,
okay?”
 
Jared nodded and Jensen stood up. He leaned in to give Jared a chaste kiss,
then left him there to go back to work. Jared sank back into the couch more
comfortably. Lunch had gone surprisingly well. It was as if they hadn’t
been separated for months. It was as if the awkwardness of the weeks between
the hospital and therapy hadn’t been there. They were slowly making
their way back to familiar territory. They still had issues they needed to work
out, but they were going to make it.
 
Smiling, Jared turned the television back on to kill some time before Jensen
came back home.
 
*****
 
They had just finished a huge dinner that Jensen had made and were heading to
the bedroom to settle in for the night. They took their turns in the bathroom
and then sat side by side in Jensen’s bed. Jensen put the news on and
then pulled Jared to him. They shifted so that Jared was sitting between
Jensen’s legs and Jensen began massaging his back.
 
Jared practically purred under the touch, especially when Jensen wound his arms
around Jared and began rubbing his belly. He let himself settle against Jensen,
hoping he wasn’t squishing him too badly. Jensen seemed perfectly
content though and continued lazily rubbing Jared’s belly.
 
“Let me know if I start getting too heavy for you.”
 
“Mmph.” Jensen was too busy nosing at his neck to really answer
Jared. Jared let him. He didn’t seem to be trying for anything sexual.
It seemed to be more soothing instead, the barest of kisses being places on his
neck and his jaw. Jared sighed and snuggled even further into Jensen. Sleep
came easily.
 
*****
 
“Just a few more days left. Are you nervous?”
 
He and Jensen were lounging in bed, pigging out on ice cream.
 
Jared spent a few minutes thinking about it before finally answering.
“I’m not sure, actually. I’m glad for the pregnancy to
finally be over but I’m scared that I’m going to be a terrible
parent. I don’t exactly have the best role models. And I’m
terrified that the birth is going to be hard.”
 
Jensen put down his ice cream and wrapped his arms around Jared. “I
can’t promise you that the birth is going to be easy because I
don’t know. I can promise you that I’ll be there with you every
step of the way. And you’re nothing like your family. You’re
going to be a great father. My baby is lucky to have such a great
father.”
 
Jared felt tears in his eyes. “Thanks.”
 
Jensen took Jared’s ice cream from him and placed it on the nightstand
with his own. He laid Jared down on the bed and followed him down, rubbing a
hand along his belly and leaving kisses on his cheek. Jared sighed and reached
out his arm so he could wrap it around Jensen. Jensen lifted up so Jared could
get it under him and then shifted as close as possible to Jared.
 
Jared whimpered and tried to pull Jensen even closer. He needed the contact
right now. He needed the comfort. He turned his head so he could capture
Jensen’s lips. Jensen responded eagerly, slipping his tongue past
Jared’s lips. Jared sighed into the kiss. Things still weren’t
perfect between them, but they were getting there and neither of them would be
giving up.
 
He was really starting to relax when he felt something damp between his legs.
He opened his eyes in surprise. “I think my water just broke,” he
murmured against Jensen’s lips. Jensen pulled back and looked at him.
“Seriously?”
 
Jared looked down at himself and he knew Jensen was following his gaze.
“Time to get you to the hospital.”
 
Jensen sounded oddly calm, though his actions suggested otherwise. He was out
of bed and changing clothes and generally just making a mess of things. Jared
was glad they had packed for this a while ago. He dragged himself out of bed
while Jensen was running around doing who knows what. He slipped into his shoes
and headed to the front door and stood there until Jensen finally realized he
was no longer in the bedroom.
 
Jensen drove calmly to the hospital, thankfully, and they were shown to a
private room immediately, again thankfully.
 
Jensen sat on the bed next to him and rubbed his belly. The contractions
hadn’t been bad so far and Jared actually felt kind of relaxed. Although
that was probably helped along by Jensen rubbing his belly. He gripped
Jensen’s hand through another contraction while Jensen used his other to
still rub his stomach. The contraction passed easily and Jared released his
grip on Jensen’s hand.
 
The next time the doctor came to check on him, he announced that Jared was
ready to give birth. He and Jensen looked at each other. “Seriously?
Already?”
 
The doctor chuckled. “Yes, you are definitely ready. You’re
lucky, Jared. I think this is going to be an easy birth.”
 
And it was. Jared had barely felt any pain before their son screamed his way
into the world. Jensen was on the bed next to him as the doctor handed Jared
their son. Jared felt tears streaming down his face, and when Jensen pressed in
against him, he could feel tears on Jensen’s face as well.
 
Jensen reached out an arm to wrap around Jared and the baby.
“He’s perfect. We still need a name for him though.”
 
Jared laughed. “Actually, I have one. How about Aiden James?”
 
“Aiden James Ackles-Padelecki. That’s a mouthful.”
 
“Yeah, well anything is going to be a mouthful with Padelecki.”
 
“True. I like it. Aiden.”
 
Jensen placed a kiss to Jared’s temple. It was a perfect moment and
Jared would never forget it.
 
*****
 
Jared was dozing when Jensen brought in their crying son. “Someone is
hungry.”
 
“Someone is always hungry,” Jared groused.
 
Jensen sat down next to him and kissed him before handing over their son.
“You just take care of feeding him and I’ll take care of burping
him.”
 
Jared hissed when their son started suckling, but soon relaxed into it. Jensen
sat next to him running his fingers through Jared’s hair, trying to
soothe him. It worked, but only to a certain extent. Jared was exhausted and
just wanted out of the hospital already. They wouldn’t be leaving until
tomorrow though.
 
Jensen took Aiden from him when he had finished feeding and ran his hand along
his back to burp him. Jensen put him down to sleep once he had finished and
then turned to Jared. “You should sleep while Aiden is asleep,
okay?”
 
“Will you stay with me?”
 
Jensen laid in the bed with Jared and wrapped an arm around him. “Sleep.
I’ll be here when you wake up.”
 
Jared didn’t need much more than that before he was asleep in
Jensen’s arms.
 
*****
 
Jared could hear low voices talking. Jensen was still pressed against him, but
he was talking to someone. The voice sounded familiar. It took him a minute but
finally he recognized it. The voice belonged to Chris.
 
He wanted to say hi to Chris, to thank him for everything he had done, but he
didn’t want to intrude. Jensen and Chris may have had some unfinished
business.
 
Jensen kissed the top of his head. “I know you’re awake. You can
stop pretending.”
 
Jared opened his eyes and smiled. “I just wanted to give you two a
chance to talk if you needed it.”
 
“It’s okay. We’ve talked. He’s kind of been here
for a while already. Guess you really needed the sleep.”
 
“Oh.”
 
“How ya doin’, Jared?”
 
Jared smiled at Chris. “I’m good. How have you been?”
 
“Can’t complain. Congratulations, by the way. He’s
beautiful.”
 
Jared beamed. “Thanks.”
 
“So it looks like you two finally sorted things out.”
 
Jared and Jensen looked at each other and smiled. “We’re still
working on it, but we’re getting there.”
 
Chris smiled at the two of them. “Well I’ll be leaving you to
it.” Chris walked out leaving Jared and Jensen with Aiden.
 
“He’s with someone now.”
 
“Just how long was I asleep for?”
 
Jensen chuckled. “Don’t worry. I’ll fill you in on
everything.”
 
Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen and buried his face in his neck. “I
love you.”
 
Jensen wound his arms around Jared and kissed the top of his head. “I
love you too.”
 
And in the privacy of their hospital room with their son sleeping peacefully
beside them, Jared finally felt that everything was okay and there could be
such a thing as happily ever after.
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