Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/9235001.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural
  Relationship:
      Castiel/Dean_Winchester
  Character:
      Dean_Winchester, Castiel
  Additional Tags:
      Age_Difference, ghost!cas, Reincarnation, dream-sharing, Coach!Dean,
      Jimmy_is_Cas, and_cas_is_jimmy, Blowjobs, minor_cas/others, (meg_inias
      and_daphne), Anxiety_Attacks, bottom!Dean, Top!Cas, Sassy_Balthazar
  Series:
      Part 5 of responsibility,_love,_determination_&_death
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-01-07 Completed: 2017-02-13 Chapters: 3/3 Words: 20865
****** closure ******
by jhoom
Summary
     As Jimmy realizes his dreams with Dean are perhaps more than dreams,
     it takes him and Dean some time to figure out the new dynamics of
     their relationship.
Notes
     Okay so I was hoping to make this just one part to finish out the
     series, but I got to 6k and realized that just wasn't reasonable. So
     I'm dividing this last part into two parts. And hopefully it will
     *stay* too parts...
     Thank you to destielonfire for being lovely enough to beta-read for
     me :) We'll be in Cas' POV for the rest of the story, but keep in
     mind he'll usually refer to himself as Jimmy.
     If you're worried about the MCD and underage tags, check the end
     notes for spoilers/explanation. If you've already been reading the
     series, there's no real new information there (except for spoilers to
     how they specifically relate to this part of the story).
     As always, come visit me on tumblr :)
See the end of the work for more notes
***** Chapter 1 *****
Jimmy can barely focus on the way to the hospital as the paramedics poke and
prod him. Maybe Dean was right about the concussion. But he stubbornly holds on
to what he heard.  
Coach Winchester's name is Dean. Dean called him Cas. And he's here with him.
All of that has to mean something.
Right?
Once they arrive at the hospital, they check his vitals and do an x-ray. The
doctors tell him he's got some mild bruising and a sprained wrist, but no
concussion. They leave him and Dean alone in a small hospital room while they
go call his parents, warning him to take it easy.
The silence that reigns once they're left alone is suffocating.  
Since Dean clearly won't make the first move, Jimmy takes it upon himself to do
so.
“You called me Cas.”
Dean winces, his discomfort palpable. “You don't pull your punches, do ya,
kid?” He rubs a hand over his face, barely hiding a grimace, and sinks further
into his chair. “Yeah, guess I did.”
Although it's nice to hear him say it, the admission doesn't reassure him the
way he thought it would.  Something about the way Dean won't meet his eyes, how
he fidgets nervously, makes Jimmy's stomach twist uneasily.
“Why?” he whispers.
Dean’s silent for a moment. “Why do you think?”
His tone isn't aggressive or patronizing. Simply curious.
Jimmy doesn't know where to even start answering that question. He supposes he
may as well start at the beginning.
“I… I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid,” he says slowly, weighing each
word carefully.  “My parents asked me what he looked like, and I said he had
green eyes and a beautiful smile.  They laughed and thought it was cute, played
along until I got older... Eventually I stopped talking about it because I
could tell they thought it wasn't so cute anymore.”
The smile he'd had when he started taking has slipped into something bitter.
His fingers dig into the scratchy hospital sheets, and he watches the way they
bunch up instead looking at Dean's face.
“But he always called me Cas. Well, until very recently. I never asked why,
but…”. Now he looks up and his breath is taken away as he loses himself in
green orbs. “I should’ve known it was you.  I would’veknown it was you, if only
you’d look me in the eyes for more than two seconds at a time.”
Dean shifts uncomfortably, his eyes darting around and not landing on Jimmy.
Just like usual, actually. Maybe it was too much to hope that things would
change.  
“It's fine, Dean.  Coach.  You can leave, we can pretend this never happened.”
He crosses his arms over his chest and glares angrily at the window opposite
Dean. Jimmy desperately wants him to stay, to keep talking and finally finally
get answers and know.
But if Dean doesn't want that, then it'll never end the way Jimmy wants it to
anyway.  May as well know that now instead of setting himself up for future
heartbreak.  
“Jimmy…”
He closes his eyes tightly, sealing in the tears that threaten to fall. He
refuses to let Dean see him cry.
“C’mon, Jimmy. Look at me. Please.”
The chair scrapes across the floor as Dean drags it to the bed, but Jimmy
remains unmoved.  He's close to begging Dean to leave, needing time alone to
deal with this. To the rejection he feels, the embarrassment that he opened up
and Dean couldn't even reciprocate.
“Cas…” he whispers, and Jimmy's head whips around so fast it aggravates the
minor whiplash in his neck.  
“I can't…  I don't know everything about it, okay? So if you're looking for
answers, I'm not your guy.”
“You clearly know more than I do,” he snaps, and he hates how watery his voice
sounds.
“Yeah, I suppose I do.” He swallows nervously.  “Okay, so this is gonna sound
crazy but…  But maybe it's some crazy that’ll actually make some sense.”
Jimmy sits there quietly, afraid to interrupt, as Dean tells him the story of a
little boy. A boy who died in a car accident but refused to let that keep him
away from his best friend. The ghost boy who’d stayed in Dean’s life until it
got too painful for him, because he'd accidentally fallen in love with his best
friend. How the ghost boy then disappeared, devastating his friend.
But then new dreams came for the friend. And the friend foolishly thought they
really were just dreams. Just his mind's way of coping with losing the ghost
boy again. But then maybe he went to Lawrence High one day and saw someone he'd
never thought he'd see again while awake.  
“So those dreams… that was really you?”
“Yes. I… I think so.”
Happiness swells inside him and he leans forward to kiss Dean. His Dean, his
very real best friend he's loved for years and now-
Now Dean dodges the kiss, and damn all the wires and tubes that prevent Jimmy
from trying to follow him. Again the sting of rejection’s there, tasting like
bile in his throat. Worse than before since it's following so closely that
little burst of joy he'd felt moments earlier.
Immediately Dean reaches for him, threading their fingers together and squeezes
gently.  “Cas…  Jimmy…  I can't…  We can't do that anymore.”
He petulantly wants to snatch his hand away, but Dean's hand in his feels too
nice. So real in a way it's never been before. He can look down and count
Dean's freckles. He can feel the weight of him, his callouses and a scar
running along the back of his hand between his pinky and ring finger.
It's unfairly distracting.
“Why not?” he whispers. “We’ve had sex numerous times-”
The grip on him tightens into a vice before Dean notices and loosens his hold.
Jimmy looks up and sees a man trying to get a handle on his panic. Dean looks
around and breathes a sigh of relief when he sees the door securely closed.
They're still, thankfully, alone.
“Jesus, kid, you can't just say shit like that out loud. People will think it’s
true.”
His hackles rise at being called kid once again. No more Jimbo or buddy. No
endearments like the ones Dean used when they were wrapped in each other's
arms.  
Kid.
Is that all Dean sees him as?
“It is true,” he insists. “I remember it. You remember it. Tell me how it isn't
true.”
“Well uh…  I mean it's not like we ever exchanged bodily fluids or anything so-
”
“So you’re saying it doesn’t count?  It was meaningless to you?”
“No!  Of course not.  It's just-”
The door swings open and they both jump in surprise. Dean pulls his hand away
and springs to his feet. “Mr. and Mrs. Novak,” he says smoothly, betraying none
of the emotion from before.
It'd be more impressive if it didn't make Jimmy worry maybe Dean's not nearly
as affected by all this as he is. There's a flicker of worry in his eyes when
he looks at Jimmy, but other than that he's unreadable.
Whatever. Jimmy rolls over and feigns sleep while the “adults” talk.
- - - -
He sleeps dreamlessly for the next few nights. Before, he would've assumed it
was bad luck not to see Dean. Now he knows better.
“Coward!” he screams into the black, empty dream. He hopes Dean can hear him.
- - - -
His frustration grows when Donna breaks the news to him that he might not be
able to compete at States.  
“It's up to the doctors, kiddo.”
He grits his teeth at the nickname, but tries not to hold it against her. She
has no way of knowing how much it irks him to hear right now.
“You just rest up and hope they think that wrist is good to go in time, or else
your spot goes to Kev.”
“He'll lose,” Jimmy says flatly.
Donna shrugs. “Probably. His heart’s just not in it the way yours is, but he's
the only one we got in your weight class.” She slaps his shoulder playfully.
“Get better and we won't have to worry about it. Don't stress out too much just
yet, you've got a couple weeks.”
The reality of what she's hinting at hits him.
“You don't want me at practice, do you?”
“Oh hon.” Her smile is sympathetic but she seems sad. “What're gonna practice
with one arm out of commission? Just go home and rest and we'll talk again
after your appointment with the docs in a few days, 'kay?”
Is probably beneath him, but he storms out of her office. He hears Krissy
calling him from the weight room, but he ignores her. There's another, deeper
voice there too. He doesn't want to deal with Dean or anyone else on the team
right now.
Jimmy gets in his mom's car, such she's graciously loaning him while his is the
shop, but his fingers lock up on the steering wheel. Driving to school had been
a struggle, especially since he can’tn't bear to hang his dreamcatcher. Not now
that he knows the true significance of it.  But without it, there's nothing to
settle his nerves.  
He hates this. All of it.
The accident. Dean. His stupid wrist. Possibly missing states after working so
hard. And now driving is beyond him. He’d already had so much anxiety about it
in the first place, and now he’s actually crashed and it was terrifying.  
How did things fall apart so rapidly? He was happy just a week ago, and here he
is, sitting in his car and slamming his head against the steering wheel again
and again.
After a bit more sulking, he gets out of the car. Good thing he can still catch
the bus home.
- - - -
It is very unfortunate that he has tech ed at the end of the day. Because that
means every day, on the way out to the buses, he has to pass by the weight
room. And every day, he can hear the rest of the wrestling team laughing or
talking or going about their usual routine. Even though the season is over for
most of them, it’s so ingrained in their schedules to go there that it’s likely
at least a few of them will show up to work out every day for the rest of the
school year.  
Except Jimmy. Because his appointment isn’t until Friday and he’s still banned.
A ban which he’s not entirely unhappy about. He misses wrestling, but at the
same time, he’s not exactly interested in seeing Dean right now.  
No, he’s not interested in seeing Coach Winchester. Dean is looking more and
more like a figment of his imagination. An idealized version of someone who
clearly doesn’t exist. Because in real life, he’s simply not good enough. In
real life, he’s just a damn kid and-
“Novak.” Jimmy starts slightly and stops walking. Dean’s leaning against the
door to the weight room, eyeing him. “Haven’t seen you around in a bit.”
He watches the older man warily.  “Donna won’t let me train until the doctor
approves me to come back.  It'll be another few days at least.”
“Oh.” Dean shifts uneasily on his feet.  “Thought maybe you were ignoring me.”
“Just an added benefit,” he sneers before continuing down the wall. Who needs
Dean Winchester? No good heartbreaking jackass-
“Whoa whoa!” Dean sprints to cut him off. He looks panicked, and Jimmy can't
ignore the twinge of guilt he feels knowing he's caused Dean pain.
No matter how much he might deserve it.
The fight instantly goes out of him. “What?” he sighs.
“I just… wanted to know if you're okay.”
Whether he means because of the accident or the *other* stuff, Jimmy doesn't
know. He chooses to only address the former.
“Mostly fine. Kind of sore. They're going to check my wrist soon to see if the
sprain’s healed, then maybe I can practice and get ready for States.”
Dean chews his bottom lip like he wants to say something, but then he shakes
his head.  He holds out his hand, opening and closing it a few times. “Lemme
see.”
They stare each other down for a moment before Jimmy gives in and raises his
injured wrist.  Dean gingerly removes the brace and pokes around, massaging and
gently turning his hand back and forth. It takes all of Jimmy's self control to
suppress a shudder. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the feel of Dean’s
hands on him, even when the touch is feather light and innocent like this.  
“That hurt at all?” Dean's voice is quiet and a little strange. His fingers
twitch where they hold Jimmy's arm. Like they're desperate to keep moving
across the expanse of skin. Move his exploration up up up.
There's nothing Jimmy can do to stop the goosebumps that prickle along his
arms.
“No,” he whispers. God no.
Dean clears his throat loudly and finally lets go. He steps back to put a
little more space between them. “I'm no doctor, but it's probably fine. I could
show you some stretches that won't require your wrist. Or I could spot you
through some squats.”
The older man looks so adorably shy. Jimmy sees the offer for what it is, and
nods to accept the olive branch. Upset and confused as he may be, he'd be a
fool to turn down quality time with Dean.
He follows Dean into the abandoned weight room and leaves his backpack by the
door.  “Where is everyone?”
“They all went to the baseball game. I think Krissy's into some guy on the
team.”
“Aiden?”
“Maybe? I dunno, she's all tight lipped and blushy about it.”
“Hmm,” he hums. “She sits next to him in math. They always get trouble for
chatting too much.  He's on the baseball team, I think.”
“That must be him then.” Dean frowns as he looks him over. “You need a minute
to go change?”
“What? Oh.” He looks down and notices his jeans and button down shirt. “I
didn't bring any other clothes. Coach Donna said-”
“Don't worry about it,” he waves dismissively. Then he's dragging some mats to
the center of the room. “We'll keep it light.”
True to his word, Jimmy barely even sweats. It feels good to use his muscles
again, too. The little bit of inactivity he's endured since the accident has
left him jittery and restless. But every touch as Dean guides him through a new
stretch has his skin tingling and his heart yearning for more.
It seems unfair that he's spent years wishing Dean was real, and now that he
*is*, he gets him even less than before.
“So uh…  Same thing tomorrow?”
He's missed his bus for sure and he'll have to walk home. Tomorrow he'll have
to do the same, since the idea of getting behind the wheel again is too much.
He has mountains of homework.  Chores to do-
“Yes.”
All evening he thinks about it. He barely pays any attention to his homework
and fakes his way through conversations with his parents at dinner. When he
crawls into bed, his imagination runs rampant and he doesn’t even care. Because
tomorrow afternoon he has a date with Dean.
Not the type of date he’d like. No fancy restaurant or moonlit skies. Just a
humid weight room with musty mats. But it’s something. The first of many
something’s, if he has anything to say about it.
- - - -
His dreams are still lonely that night.
- - - -
The whole gym wing of the school is abandoned. It’s a halfway decent day out,
so all the spring sports are outside making use of the fields. None of the
other wrestlers are around either.  Jimmy knows this because they invited him
out to a movie after school. He politely declined, citing his doctor
appointment as an excuse.
He can’t feel too guilty about it. It’s not even a lie. Just a slight
adjustment to the truth.
Jimmy heads to the locker rooms and changes into joggers and a loose fitting
tee. Not the sexiest outfit, but Jimmy doesn’t really have any “sexy” workout
clothing. Besides, he already knows Dean is interested. No need to change the
way he acts or dresses to get Dean’s attention.
And he most decidedly does have Dean’s attention. When he strides into the
weight room, Dean’s eyes follow him like a hawk. Jimmy smiles triumphantly when
Dean licks his lips, eyes trained on Jimmy’s mouth. In that moment, he makes a
mistake. He can’t help but think Dean’s gotten over his earlier hesitation.
That he just needed to adjust. Moving things from their shared dreams to the
waking world might have been freaking him out a little.  
They go through the same exercises as yesterday. Always mindful of his wrist,
Dean helps him with positioning. He gravitates towards Jimmy - maybe he always
has and Jimmy never noticed it before - and it fills him with hope.  
When they’re done, Dean motions for Jimmy’s wrist. He puts a bit more pressure
on it than yesterday, but the touch is still light as he probes for any
problems they might have exacerbated.  They’re so close together, he can feel
each breath Dean pulls from their shared air.  It’s so easy to just shift onto
his tiptoes and kiss him-
Dean gasps in surprise, grip tightening briefly before he sighs and gives into
the kiss. It’s the best feeling in the world, having Dean’s lips move against
his. His real lips. A real kiss.  
Slowly, he pushes Dean against the nearest wall. Dean goes willingly, and once
their bodies are flush against each other, he’s both delighted and reassured to
feel Dean’s erection pressing against his. He breaks the kiss to look around.
There are rolls of mats stacked against the walls and weight machines in front
of those. They’re completely blocked from the door.
Perfect.
He slips onto his knees. Starts to finger Dean’s belt buckle when he happens to
look up. And there’s Dean, with his eyes clenched shut and tears streaming out
the corner of his eyes.
Jimmy lurches backwards like he’s been hit, scrambling to crawl backward.
Dean’s eyes fly open and he immediately relaxes when he sees the space Jimmy’s
put between them. The tension dissipates so quickly that it forces a choked cry
from Jimmy.  
How could he have been so wrong?  How could he-?
“Jimmy, I can explain-”
“You don’t want me?” he asks weakly. His own tears are starting to form and he
has to blink a few times to keep them from falling.
“Oh god, you know I do.” Dean steps forward awkwardly. The bulge in his pants
makes it obvious that at least part of him wants Jimmy.
“Then why… Did I just… Did I imagine the way you feel about me? Am I crazy for
thinking you’d want this?” He desperately searches Dean’s face for some answer,
and then goes pale when he finds it. “Are you… are you ashamed of me?  Of us?”
Dean doesn’t answer. Which is probably the worst answer of all.  
Jimmy storms out of the weight room with tears in his eyes, barely able to hold
it together long enough to get to the safety of the locker room. He bolts the
heavy door behind him and rushes to grab his things, shoving them into his
backpack as quickly as possible. There’s a quiet little knock on the door by
the time Jimmy’s angrily pulling on his jacket.  
Staring at the door, he worries that it’s Dean. (Or worse yet, that it’s not.)
After a moment, Jimmy marches to the other side of the locker room and sneaks
out through the gym.
Coward! he screams at himself.  
It doesn’t stop him from running home. No matter how fast he goes, he can’t
outrun the feeling of rejection that follows.
- - - -
He's sitting on a bridge with a fishing pole. It's not an uncommon dream for
him, but one he's never understood. His father's never taken him fishing and
he's never had an interest in it while awake. But he often ends up here when
he's upset.
Admittedly, he finds it soothing.
Maybe Cas’ family fished. Maybe somewhere in the back of his mind, he remembers
this other life. Surely his bond with Dean can't be the only thing that
survived.
Speak of the devil.
Heavy boots sound behind him, then a familiar figure is sitting next to him and
grabbing the extra fishing pole.  But he's too small, too much his own size and
all of a sudden Jimmy can't stand it.
“Stop hiding behind that teenage form.” He's proud that his voice doesn't
quiver. “No more hiding, no more lies. Just us, as we are.”
Dean's form flickers for a moment. When it's solid again, he's fully grown with
hair a few shades darker and two days worth of stubble.  
“Okay Jimmy. I can do that.”
They sit quietly, their legs swinging in time together over the edge of the
bridge. Jimmy's bare feet skim the edges of the water. Dean's stay magically
dry. It's quaint and superficially pleasant, but underneath is everything left
unresolved between them.
“It's not that I don't care about you,” Dean starts. “I do.  A lot.  But there
are rules about this stuff, and I feel like maybe before I was taking advantage
of you-”
“Did you know it was real? The first time I mean.”
Dean takes a deep shuddering breath. “No. But maybe I should've. And that's not
the point. I- I didn't stop it when I didknow, and I feel like shit for that.”
“Clearly,” he says dryly. “Then why’d you let it keep going on?”
“You’re joking right?” Jimmy stares at him blankly and Dean grumbles under his
breath and very dramatically indicates that he is so not pleased to say this
out loud. “Because I want you and I’m fucking weak. And when we were dreaming
it was kind of easy to ignore all the reasons I shouldn’t. But now you know and
it’s just…  When we’re like this,” and he uses his fingers to gesture between
them, illustrating the now obvious age gap, “it’s hard to forget all the
reasons to stay away.”
“So let me get this straight,” Jimmy says slowly. “You want me… but you don’t
want me?”
“I want you, but I want to wait,” Dean clarifies.  
Jimmy sighs and turns away.  
“Hey,” Dean begs desperately for his attention. “I'm not ashamed of you. I'm
not. Really. I'd love nothing more than to take you on a date, have everyone
see you on my arm…”
“But I'm too young.”
“Yeah. And I'm your coach and…  Fuck. I'm not ashamed of you-”
“But you're ashamed of yourself,” he whispers. And Jimmy gets it, he thinks.
He’s not angry or upset at Dean anymore, but rather at their circumstances. Of
course, being upset about their age difference doesn’t seem fair since he’s
been given a second chance to live. But every time he remembers Dean pulling
away at the hospital or his tears at the school, it stings. It’ll probably
always sting.
“I want to be the guy who deserves you, so please Jimmy. Let me do the right
thing here so I can be.”
Fuck.  
How the hell is a guy supposed to say no to that?
He groans as he falls backward onto the bridge, staring up at blue skies and
leaves fluttering in the wind. “Fine.”  It comes out a little bitter, so he
tries again. “Fine. And I mean it.  I don’t like it or necessarily agree, but I
can see your point. So I won’t try to jump your bones again until I’ve
officially turned 18 or until you say otherwise.”  
Jimmy pushes up so he’s resting on his elbows and tries not to sound too severe
when he adds, “Age of consent in Kansas is 16, by the way.”
“Maybe. But I wasn’t too fond of dating high schoolers when I was one,” Dean
teases, nudging him with his knee, before becoming a little more serious. “I
think I might’ve made an exception for you.”
“Sure you don’t wanna make an exception now?” he asks as he turns away to hide
a blush.
“Sorry, man. But even if the age thing didn’t bug me, the coach/student thing
kind of does.”
You could quit.
The words are on the tip of his tongue, but he can’t bear to say them. They’re
selfish and unfair.  And he doesn’t want Dean to quit. He really is a good
coach and clearly enjoys it. The idea of him giving that up on Jimmy’s account
is untenable. So he mentally shreds the words and decides to make this a good
dream. One that’ll tempt Dean to stop hiding from him and come back again and
again.
“So…” He drags out the syllable to catch Dean’s attention. “What exactly are we
going to do with all our free dream time now that you won’t let me fuck you
senseless?”
Dean chokes on a laugh that turns into a cackle the longer it goes. “Fuck, man,
don’t say shit like that. Gonna give me a heart attack.”
“Oh dear, the perils of dating an older man.”
The laugh is back and Jimmy’s glad for it. It’s music to his ears, and he hopes
to hear it again and again.  
“You’re such an ass,” Dean whines, but it’s fond rather than angry sounding.
Dean offers a hand and helps pull Jimmy up so they’re sitting side by side
again. Their fingers thread together and Jimmy’s heart skips a beat. Though he
knows that it won’t go farther than this for a while, it’s nice all the same.
It helps Jimmy decide to give up on the physical stuff. To let Dean set the
pace. If he’s the one that’s uncomfortable and worried, Jimmy will be the
patient, supportive one.  
(And maybe some petulant part of him wants to do this to show Dean he’s mature.
That his fears about Jimmy’s age are ungrounded and silly, doing nothing but
depriving them of something they both crave. He knows it’s unlikely to work,
but it couldn’t hurt.)
“How’s your wrist?”
“Doctor says it’s fine. I should be able to compete at States next weekend.”
 He chews his bottom lip. His earlier thought coming back to haunt him. You
could quit.“You’ll be there, right?  You’ll still coach me and help-”
“Jimmy?”
“Yes?”
“Calm down.”
He takes a deep breath and then wonders why he bothered. It’s a dream. Even so,
the familiar act does help calm his nerves a bit.  
“I will alwaysbe there to help and support you, okay? I’m not going to stop
being your coach, and I’m not going to stop being your friend. We’ll just have
to uh....  Make sure those two roles don’t intersect where they shouldn’t.”
Jimmy nods. He’s definitely willing to try.
- - - -
With physical intimacy off the table, Jimmy decides the best way to spend their
dream time together is to learn about Castiel. He wants to know the boy he used
to be, see how much of that transferred over. Maybe even try to figure out how
or when Jimmy Novak and Castiel Milton merged into whatever or whoever he now
is.  
By day, Dean helps him train for States. By night, he helps him uncover his
past.
Dean molds the dreams, shapes them into memories of Castiel’s childhood home.
Of his parents, of their shared memories in school and playing at the park.
Whenever Dean shows him something new, he watches Jimmy’s face intently. Jimmy
knows what he’s looking for - a flicker of recognition, some sign that he is
Castiel, or at least has his memories buried deep down.  
He’s a disappointment each and every single time.
Some of the people look vaguely familiar (Castiel’s parents especially), but
there’s no sudden sense of knowing. The recognition is more along the lines of
deja vu - noticeable but easily dismissed. The few times when he tries to press
the issue, digs deep into the recesses of his memory to sift through the dregs,
it leaves him in pain.
In those moments, Dean always rushes to his side and rubs at his temple to ease
the ache.  Jimmy pushes him away as he tries to regain some sort of
equilibrium. He never knows how to explain to Dean that the pain he feels is
never in his head, but his heart.  
They lie under a tree, holding hands and watching the clouds passing overhead.
It’s a dream, so when they jokingly claim the clouds look like tanks or drum
sets, they scramble to reform more solidly into those shapes. Currently they’re
watching little cloud army men shoot cloud missiles at a knight and a ninja who
have teamed up. Dean cheers on his army men while Jimmy coaches his knight and
ninja.  
As the knight braces himself behind his shield and the ninja takes cover behind
some other clouds, Jimmy turns to look at Dean.
“Can I ask you something?”
“You trying to distract me so you can win?”
He shakes his head and urgently tugs at Dean’s sleeve to get his attention. The
battle above them dissolves back into formless clouds as Dean turns to face
Jimmy.  “What’s wrong?”
“Am I like Castiel?” Jimmy’s found himself wondering this more and more. He’d
managed to keep himself away from an existential crisis, but he can’t help but
feel one is on the horizon if he doesn’t sort this out now.  “Like…  Am I
Jimmy, or am I Castiel?  Am I both?  Am I neither?  Do I-”
“Whoa whoa, let’s slow down on the midlife crisis, okay? You’re a bit young for
that.” Dean reaches over, hand hesitating for a second before he brushes some
errant strands away from his forehead before settling in to cup his cheek. “I
look into your eyes, and I see Cas. He’s in there for sure.”
Relief settles through Jimmy and he lets out the breath he’d been holding in.  
“You do things that are so uniquely Cas that it…  I mean, it’d probably break
my heart if I didn’t know you were Cas. That head tilt thing you do, and your
exasperated sigh and eye roll. And the way you talk sometimes. Like a friggin
robot or something.  Cas was always like that.”  Fondness makes Dean’s voice
rich with emotion, which in turn makes Jimmy’s heart swell.  
“But… there’s some not Cas in there too. And that’s not bad,” he rushes to add
as he watches Jimmy’s eyes tighten. “The eye crinkle and your gummy smile.  I’s
so beautiful, lights up the damn room and takes my breath away. But Cas never
smiled that big. Even when he was happy, it was always this shy little grin
that you’d blink and it was gone. And that was kinda special, too, because of
how rare it was to catch it.  
“And your clothes are way more put together than Cas.  Kid just picked the
first thing he found and threw it on. He came in to second grade once with a
neon orange shirt and a deep purple set of shorts, mismatched socks, and flip
flops, for fuck’s sake. That’s adorable and all, but I kinda like this,” and he
runs his free hand along the collar of Jimmy’s shirt, follows the trail of
buttons down to the edges of his cardigan, “a lot better.”
The younger boy blushes at the praise, at the doting words and the barely
contained affection beneath them.  
“It’s kinda like… I’ve kinda been imagining it as…” He flounders for a bit as
he searches for the right words, but Dean stubbornly pushes on. “There was a
Jimmy, just like there was a Cas. But they melded together at some point. I
figured whatever it was that happened to you two, it happened while you were in
that coma. The dates line up to when Cas disappeared, as near as I can tell.
Maybe… maybe Jimmy and Castiel were both so young, so neither personality took
over and you guys just mixed together.”
“Hmmm good a theory as any I suppose.” And it’s one he’s willing to believe in,
since it at least gives him some semblance of understanding about his
situation. “Do you like the end result?” he asks timidly.
Dean presses a kiss to his forehead. Barely there contact before he pulls away
and holds his gaze. “I absolutely do.”
- - - -
Not all of their dreams are shared.  
They have a surprising amount of control, but sometimes it’s just sleep. Or
regular dreams, total nonsense that Jimmy can barely remember the next day.
Occasionally he’ll fall asleep and meet with a fake Dean. Some dream version of
his dream self (and yes, it gives him a headache to think about it).  
Jimmy instantly knows when it’s not the real Dean. The little details are off.
How he holds himself or what he says. Or maybe he’ll be back in his teenage
form again. No matter what it is that gives it away, Jimmy spots it. But it
makes him wonder if this has happened all along. If before he knew Dean was
real, false ones slipped in along the way to keep him company in between
visits.  
When it happens now, it pulls him out of the dream experience so acutely, he
usually ends up dismissing the false, teenage Dean and moving on to other
things.
But States are today and he figures he could use the extra practice.
The world reshapes around them, and they’re in the gym at school, dressed to
wrestle. Jimmy smiles predatorily at Dean and waves him over to the mats.
He’s surprised about how non-sexual it is to grapple with Dean. They’re wrapped
around each other, sweat dripping (but only when Jimmy remembers he should be
sweaty - it is a dream after all). They grunt from exertion, and yet only the
faintest threads of arousal flow through him.  Possibly because it’s a fake,
but he thinks it’s because he’s so focused on doing well tomorrow.  As fun as
it would be to have his way with Dean right here on the mats, his focus is
intent on getting in as much practice as he can.  
His imagination lets him make this Dean bigger, stronger, and faster than he
should be. Jimmy gets pinned and slammed to the mats more times than he can
count, but there’s no fatigue or muscle ache to accompany the successive loses,
so he pushes on. By the end, he’s finally got Dean’s legs pinned beneath him.
It’s all the more satisfying for how hard he’s had to work to be able to beat
this pumped up wrestling partner, and he grins down at the apparition to gloat.
“Maybe I should quit coaching.”
He yelps in surprise and the dream Dean fades into nothing. Jimmy pushes to his
feet, needlessly dusting himself off and fixing his wrestling outfit.  “What?”
The real Dean (or rather, the dream manifestation of the real Dean Winchester…
there’s that damn headache threatening him again) stands off by the bleachers,
shifting uncomfortably on his feet. Jimmy walks over, not understanding Dean’s
discomfort. When he gets closer, he sees the bulge in his pants and how Dean’s
clenching his fists in a desperate attempt to divert blood flow.
“What?” Dean asks defensively, so adorably flustered Jimmy could kiss him.
“That was hot.”
“You have a fetish for guys wrestling?” Jimmy jokes.
“Uh, obviously. I was big into pro wrestling as a kid. I think Gunner Lawless
is half the reason I decided to try wrestling in the first place. Also, I
definitely have a you-and-me-wrestling fetish.  Cas used to help me practice
like that, and I kinda had to shut that down because I was a horny teenage kid
at the time. Super fucking awkward.”
“Glad to see you’ve moved past the awkward part.”
“Shut up,” Dean laughs and punches his shoulder playfully. Jimmy swats back at
him but Dean easily dodges. They continue back and forth for a bit until Dean
grabs both of Jimmy’s hands and holds them still, face somber. “Should I?  Quit
coaching? It’d make it more reasonable for you and me to… date or something. I
mean, not immediately, but maybe sooner-”
“Dean,” he says gently. Dean’s mouth snaps shut and he looks so vulnerable when
he looks at Jimmy. “I would very much like to date you. The sooner the better.
However… I appreciate you being there to coach me, and I know you enjoy it. So
please, no more talk about giving it up.”
They stand there, waiting for Dean to make up his mind. Worrying his bottom
lip, Dean finally shakes his head. “Yeah, I do kinda love it.” He puffs up a
bit and winks at Jimmy. It’s not at all flirty, despite how it looks. Merely a
sign of his appreciation and happiness that they’ve talked through a concern
they’d only hinted at before.
“Okay, Jimbo. States are tomorrow. Let’s see what you’ve got.”
“Yes coach.”
 
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
     hey guys! long time no see :)
     soooo... let's start off with me apologizing. i said this part would
     be two chapters, but then i lied and made it three. so this is NOT
     the last chapter, there will be one more. hopefully JUST one more.
     i also figured i'd let you guys know that currently i'm not posting a
     whole lot on ao3 (as you may have noticed) because i was silly and
     signed up for four big bangs. i just finished off my cas big bang,
     which will be posting i think in april??? now i'm on my dcj big bang,
     then i've got a destiel and a dystopia!au one. basically, most of my
     writing time rn goes to things you won't be able to read for months.
     so updates on stuff like this are slow.
     BUT!!! if you're looking for me, i am pretty active on tumblr
     @jhoomwrites. i post short under 1k ficlets pretty regularly there,
     even as i muddle through those bangs. you can check out my emoji
     ficlet_masterpost and my short_prompt_fills_masterpost to see what
     i've done recently (older stuff = on top).
     and now, finally, onto the fic!
Unsurprisingly, time passes.  Jimmy doesn’t win States, but he does pretty damn
well all things considered.  He’s young enough that the prospect of next year
is enough to soothe his crushed hopes, and old enough to know that life goes
on.  It’s more of a bummer because Dean and Donna’s hours at the school get
significantly reduced.  The season’s over and there aren’t any more mandatory
training sessions or meetings until the summer.  
Although it leaves Jimmy a little anxious, he tries not to let it bother him
too much.  He gets to see Dean at night when they dream, and he knows from last
year that the coaches don’t stay away for long.  Student athletes who want to
maintain their fitness level always have access to the training facilities,
even when their seasons are over, and the coaches don’t like to leave them
alone too long.  Without supervision, they might over or under train, leaving a
mess when the next school year starts.
Even so, Jimmy itches to get back on the mats and in the weight room.  He
hasn’t like being inactive for too long.  Never has, as far back as he can
remember, though now he finds himself wondering whose need it is.  Is it Jimmy,
the little boy who lying inactive in a coma for months?  Or is it Castiel, who
went years without a body and didn’t get to feel any exertion of any type?
As is often the case, he settles for both.  Both of them just want to feel the
proof that they’re alive and strong.
He takes to running on the track after school to burn off some of his energy.
 Donna and Dean were both pretty clear that he’s not to do any weight training
unless one of them’s there to supervise.  The rest of the wrestling team can,
but they’re still worried about his wrist.  It seems fine, but Jimmy can’t
exactly fault them for being overly cautious now that there are no meets to
train for.
On a warm but cloudy spring afternoon, Jimmy’s doing his usual run when he’s
nearly pelted by a low flying lacrosse ball.  It whizzes by him and lands a few
feet ahead of him on the track.
“Would you mind?” a voice calls from the nearby field.  Jimmy diverts his path
and runs over to the retrieve the ball.  
“Thank you,” a girl says when he walks it over to her.  She looks vaguely
familiar, with her dark eyes and brunette curls.  Even though she’s at least a
head shorter than him, there’s a presence to her that makes her seem bigger.
 “James, right?”
“Jimmy,” he automatically corrects.  For a second there, he was about to say
Castiel, but thankfully he recovered in time.  It was probably hearing the
formal James that threw him off.  Only his parents call him that, and only on
the rare occasion that he’s in trouble.  
“Jimmy.  I’m Meg.  I think we have history together.”
“Oh!”  Now that she says it, he can easily place her in the back row where she
sits right next to her friend Ruby.  “Yes, we do.”
“Glad to see I’ve made such a big impression on you,” she teases.  She very
noticeably gives him a once over.  “You’ve certainly made one on me, running
around like that.  You give a girl ideas.”
Jimmy tilts his head, wondering what ideas she could possibly have that relate
to him running.  “Okay…” he says awkwardly.  
“Wanna give me a chance to act on those ideas?  Maybe take me out on a date
this Friday?  I hear there’s some new superhero movie out.  Boys like those,
right?”
“Some do, though I actually prefer-  Wait, are you flirting with me?”
Meg actually laughs, putting a hand on his bicep for support as she doubles
over in giggles.  “Oh my my my, Jimmy Novak you’re just too adorable.  I’ve
never come on so strong to a guy before and you’re only just now realizing it.”
 She wipes tears from her eyes and smiles apologetically.  “I’m sorry, but that
really is too cute.  I like you, Jimmy.  And yes, I was flirting with you.”
“Oh.”
“Oh indeed,” she says sagely.  She gives his bicep a final squeeze before she
lets go.  “Look, I gotta get back to practice and I can see I’ve just about
broken you.  You think on it and get back to me.”  She turns and jogs back to
her team, waving one more time before rejoining the practice.
A girl just flirted with him.  A girl just asked him out.  An actual person, in
the actual real world - not just in his dreams - wants to go out with him.
Huh.
- - - -
Jimmy considers Meg’s offer for the next few days.  He’s not interested,
obviously.  Doesn’t think he would’ve been even before he found out Dean was
real, but certainly not now.  Perhaps he’s flattered by her attention, but
really it stays on his mind because it’s real.  He wants real flirting and real
dates.  
And he wants them to be with Dean.
It’s not that he’s changed his mind. He’s willing to do this at Dean’s pace.
 Dean isn’t comfortable dating a kid and a student he coaches.  Those are still
reasonable concerns.  Jimmy respects that.  But the idea’s been put in his head
again, and there’s nothing he can do to get it back out again.
Which is probably he goes to sleep and finds himself dreaming about a nice
restaurant.  He’s at a table set for two, wearing his nice suit (aka his only
suit, and perhaps a little better tailored in his dream than in real life) and
looking at the single red rose in the vase before him.  This would be a
romantic date, right?  Dean would lead him in by the arm, pull out his chair
for him, stare lovingly into his eyes while they talked-
The fake candles flicker slightly, and Dean’s sitting in front of him.  
“Fancy place,” the older man says as he takes it in.  “This a place you know?”
“No. At least, I don’t think so.  My family likes to cook, we don’t really eat
out a lot.  I think this is just based on a bunch of TV shows and movies that
have been lumped together.”
“Hmm,” Dean hums in acknowledgement.  “Nice.”  Then he waggles his eyebrows.
 “You wanted to take me out on a date tonight-”
“A girl at school asked me out,” he blurts out, cutting off Dean’s flirting.
 Because apparently he can recognize Dean flirting with him, he’s just
oblivious when someone else does it.
“Oh.”  Dean’s face contorts into something pained before he wipes it clean and
forces a more neutral, friendly smile.  “You should go for it.”
“What?” Jimmy huffs.  He’s half standing, about to maybe storm out of this fake
restaurant or maybe pour the fake glass of water on Dean.  He hasn’t decided
what, but he feels like he has to do something to show how offended he is.
 “How could you tell me to date someone else?”
Dean motions for him to sit down.  Even though his face gives nothing away, his
eyes are tight and dark.  “I’m just saying…  I mean, I was probably doomed to
fall in love with Cas and he loved me but… but that’s me and Cas.  You
shouldn’t have to be… roped into all that, if you don’t want to be.  You
deserve a chance to be Jimmy, and to find out who Jimmy will fall in love
with.”
He’s no less insulted as he snaps, “And what if Jimmy lov-”
“Then it’ll keep,” Dean interrupts, like he can’t bear to hear Jimmy say it out
loud.  He looks so desperate in that moment, so desperate for Jimmy to
understand and to not push for more than he can give right now.  Because Dean
wants to give in, but he’d hate himself for it.
With a resigned sigh, Jimmy sits back down and collapses back into his chair.  
“I’m just saying…  How can you be sure if you don’t try?” Dean continues once
he’s sure Jimmy’s listening.  “I mean, you told dream me you had a crush on
someone at school, like, a year ago or something.  Clearly you’re interested in
other people sometimes, and I think you owe it to yourself to explore that.”
Jimmy blushes and stares at his hands.  “That was…  That was you,” he whispers.
“What?” Dean asks.  Jimmy doesn’t have to look up to know that Dean’s jaw has
dropped open in surprise.
“The person I had a crush on…  It was you.  My coach.”
When he meets Dean’s eyes, Dean’s staring back at him dumbly.  “What?” he
repeats more emphatically.  
“I uh… I thought you were cute.”  Jimmy shrugs like it’s nothing when they both
know it’s everything.  “There was something familiar about you, something
gentle and wonderful and… and I had a crush on you.  So you can ask me to date
other people all you want, but I’m sure about how I feel.  I’ve fallen for you
twice now.  And only ever for you.”
Dean looks away first.  His eyes dart from the other tables to the ceiling to
the floor, anywhere but Jimmy’s face.  “I just want… I need you to be sure that
you’re sure.”
“Me telling you isn’t enough?”
“You’re a kid,” he says gently, as though it’ll be any less insulting if said
softly.
“According to you, I’m just as old as you are!” he shouts.  If this restaurant
were real, they’d definitely be making a scene at this point.  But the
indistinct guests at other tables and the servers don’t pay them any mind as
they continue on with their meals and work.
“That doesn’t mean shit.  I’m pretty much a kid, I promise you.”
“But you’re adult enough to be sure, whereas I’m childish enough that I can’t
be.”
“I never said childish-”
“No, you’re right.”  He finally does stand up and indignantly throw his napkin
on the table.  “Clearly I’m not mature enough to handle this situation, because
I can barely stand to look at you right now.  Good-bye, Dean.”
And like that, the dream dissolves.
- - - -
Out of spite more than anything else, Jimmy finds Meg the next morning at
school and officially asks her that weekend.  They settle on a group date with
some of her friends that have boyfriends.  They’ll all meet for dinner, go to a
movie, and then maybe stop by an arcade on the way home.  
It’s probably a terrible reason to go out with someone, but it is what it is.
 He tries to make the best of it, just to be fair to Meg.  And in all honestly,
he does enjoy parts of the date.  All the non-romantic aspects, like
socializing with his peers and the activities.  But he feels no inclination to
sit close to Meg or hold her hand or kiss.  
They go on a second and then a third date before Meg kisses him chastely on the
cheek and wishes him the best.  When he asks why she doesn’t want to go out
with him anymore - not out of disappointment but curiosity - she tells him his
heart doesn’t seem to be in it.  
After that, it’s Inias who asks him out.  Jimmy’s still pretty upset at Dean,
so he readily agrees to go to the school play with him.  Once again, Jimmy
enjoys himself.  The play is spectacular, he likes spending time with Inias…
 But when Inias drops him off at home and leans in, Jimmy turns his head to the
side so that the soft kiss lands on his cheek instead of his lips.  Inias seems
mildly miffed but not terribly surprised.  
They go out a few more times after that before it ends up about the same way it
did with Meg.  Their dates gradually shift from “dates” to simply hanging out.
 As a plus, he’s gained new friends in both of them.  But that’s about it.
 There’s no earth shattering change of Oh!  I do want people besides Dean.  All
it does is confirm what he already knew.
By then, Dean and Donna are back at school.  Jimmy avoids Dean, both at
practice and in his dreams.  It’s kind of like cutting off your nose to spite
your face, because clearly they’re both miserable about it, but Jimmy’s not
over being upset.  He has a right to his anger, even if all it serves is to
prove Dean’s point that he’s a kid.  Kidsthrow temper tantrums.
Ugh, who cares,he thinks to himself as he powers through the rest of his
squats.  Dean’s already made up his mind that I’m a kid.  There’s nothing I
could do to prove him wrong short of spontaneously waking up seven years older.
 
It’s comforting to know that perhaps he’s not the only one being stubborn.  
“How are things going with Inias?” Kevin asks as Jimmy spots the other boy.  “I
heard you two were dating.”
From across the room there’s a crash.  Everyone turns to look at the commotion,
finding Dean’s walked into a weight rack and knocked it all over.  Krissy and a
few other kids go over to help him clean it up while Dean stares at Jimmy,
looking like his heart’s been broken.  Jimmy turns away first, because this is
not a situation where Dean Winchester gets to feel like the offended party.
“It went alright,” Jimmy says with a shrug.  He maybe speaks a little more
loudly than he needs to.  “Turns out we work better as friends.”
“Uh huh,” Kevin grunts as he strains to finish his set.  Once he’s done, Jimmy
helps him put the weights back on the bars.  “Same thing that happened with you
and Meg?”  
“Yeah, basically.”
“You seeing anyone now?”
Jimmy narrows his eyes suspiciously.  “Kevin, why are you-?”
“Oh god!” Kevin holds up his hands and waves them emphatically.  “It’s not for
me, I swear.  But my lab partner Daphne has a huge crush on you, and I told her
I’d ask.”
“I hope you’re not insulted when I express my profound relief that you weren’t
hitting on me.”
“And I hope you’re not insulted when I say I’m really not interested.”
“Good.  Now that we’ve established that neither one of us insulted by our
mutual lack of sexual chemistry,” he teases, just to see Kevin squirm, “what’s
this about your friend Daphne?”
“She thinks you’re like the cutest thing ever or something.  She won’t shut up
about it.  Honestly, that’s the only reason I’m even bringing it up.  If I have
to go through one more science lab hearing about how good you look in your
wrestling outfit, I think I’m going to burn the school down.”
Jimmy snorts.  “Fair enough.  Daphne Allen?”  Kevin nods.  “Kinda light brown
hair?  Green eyes?  Am I thinking of the right person?”
“Yeah, that’s her.”
Unconsciously, Jimmy’s eyes drift over to Dean.  Dean, for all his forced
nonchalance as he finishes fixing up the weight rack, is clearly listening
intently to this conversation.  
Good.
“What’s her locker number?  I’ll stop by tomorrow after school, see if she
maybe wants to grab dinner this weekend.”
“717 I think.  Down by the English hallway.”  Kevin’s about to move on to his
next exercise when he turns around.  “I’m wondering if her actually going on a
date with you will make her talk more or less about you.  Shit.”  
- - - -
That night, he’s in some innocuous dream about being at a carnival as a child.
 He can feel someone pulling at the edges of the dream, like they’re trying to
find a way to get in.  Jimmy stubbornly seals all the invisible seams, then
goes back to playing whack-a-mole.  If Dean wants to talk to him, he can do it
in person.
- - - -
Two nights later, after he’s actually asked Daphne out and set up plans for the
weekend, does he give in to the persistent nudging at his dreams.  Dean
instantly manifests in front of him.  The man looks distraught, but he does his
best to hide it.
“Dean,” Jimmy acknowledges without looking up from the model rocket he’s
putting together.  
“Jimmy,” he rasps in reply.  He takes a seat on the floor next to Jimmy,
handing him the glue as he reaches for it.  “How you been?  Haven't seen much
of you lately.”
“Well I've been busy.” There's a pause and Jimmy can hear Dean grinding his
teeth.  “If you're going to say something, say it.  Thought we agreed to stop
hiding things.”
With a sigh, Dean swallows his pride.  “How's the dating going?”
“Why?” he snaps, no longer bothering with the pretense of assembling his model.
 “You jealous?”
“Yes,” is all Dean says.
“Oh.  I…  I didn’t expect you to admit it.”
Dean shrugs and takes the model from Jimmy, inspecting his work.  “I probably
shouldn’t, but uh… I don’t really wanna lie about it either, y’know?  Like you
said, no more hiding.”
They sit quietly as Jimmy lets that sink in.  No more hiding, right?
“Well,” he starts slowly, dragging out the word as if it could stop him from
having to say the rest, “if it makes you feel any better, I’m jealous of all
the relationships you’ve had.”
There’s no immediate response from Dean, and that worries Jimmy.  Because like
it or not, he is jealous.  Jealous of all the people who’ve actually gotten the
real Dean to warm their beds.  Hung off his arm as they go on dates.  Get to
meet his family and friends and be a part of his life.  He wonders helplessly
how often that happens.  Who these lucky men and women are-
“I haven’t been with anyone else since… since the first time we…”
Since the first time we had sex remains unsaid, but it’s clear from Dean’s
embarrassment.  
Jimmy’s mouth opens in a wordless O.  And here he thought this whole thing
meant a lot more to him than it did to Dean, but even when Dean thought it was
only a dream, he hadn’t wanted anyone else.
“I don’t like dating other people,” Jimmy admits shyly.  “I like some of it, I
guess, but not the date parts.  The whole romance aspect was unappealing.  The
expectations to touch and kiss and all that.  I just wanted it to be you.”
“Fuck, man.  I’m sorry I pushed you into it.  I didn’t want to make you
uncomfortable.  I just wanted you to have all the shit Cas never got.  The
normal high school experience, or whatever.”
“I’m pretty sure ‘awkward dates’ aren’t that uncommon in the ‘normal’ high
school experience.”  Jimmy offers a weak smile.  “But I probably could’ve done
without experiencing it first hand.”
A second model appears, this one a ship, and Jimmy starts piecing it together
while Dean finishes up the rocket.  It keeps their hands busy and offers them
an alternative to talking.  It doesn’t stop their minds from racing, though.
“It’s shitty of me to ask this,” Dean admits, but continues on anyway, “but
maybe you could not date Daphne?  If you don’t enjoy it.  I mean, if you do
want to, obviously do it-”
“I don’t want to.”  He puts down his model ship and pushes it gently.  It
floats away as if pushed by an unseen current.  “It's just making us both
miserable, anyway.”
“Seriously though.  Don't do it because of me.”
“Dean,” Jimmy scolds sharply.  Dean has the good grace to since and shut up.
 “Did you not hear the part where I said it makes us both miserable.  At some
point, you need to respect that I know what I want and I mean what I say.  If I
can respect your desire to wait, you can return the favor.”
Dean scowls but doesn't argue.  “Ugh, you're right.” He sounds disgusted, but
Jimmy's pretty sure it has nothing to do with him.  “I'm an ass.  Think you can
forgive me?”
“Always.”
Neither doubts his sincerity.
- - - -
“You cancelled on Daphne?” Kevin asks accusingly the second Jimmy steps into
the weight room.  Half the other kids freeze and not so subtly eavesdrop on the
conversation.  
“Yes…?”  Jimmy shuffles on his feet.  He can feel more than actually see Dean
watching them like a hawk.
“Ugh, it’s all I heard about all through biology.  How Jimmy’s not as great as
he seems and who cares if he’s cute if he’s just going to run off after
committing to a date.  Oh, but Emmanuel, oh he’s so sweet and not at all like
Jimmy how could she ever have been so stupid as
Biology’s an hour long, man!  I had to listen to her ranting about you and
gushing about this new guy the whole time!  The.  Whole.  Time.”
“Sorry?” Jimmy offers.
Kevin slumps a little.  “Ugh, don’t worry about it.  She does this all the
time.  I wouldn’t have wanted to go out with her either.  If she babbles on and
on like that with me, it must be ten times worse to be her boyfriend.”
Jimmy's actually relieved not to have to date anymore.  Admittedly, he didn't
have to in the first place.  Dean's pushing and his own temper are the only
reason he even considered it.  Now that those are no longer issues, he's happy
to go back to the way things were.
He catches Dean's eye and they share a look.
Yeah, he definitely made the right choice.
- - - -
Not much changes after that.  Jimmy stops his short-lived foray into dating,
Dean keeps coaching, life goes on.  Sometimes their shared dreams are tense,
filled with an underlying need to get closer and to touch.  But Dean always
pulls back, and on the rare occasions when he doesn’t, Jimmy does it for him.  
Jimmy finishes his junior year without much fanfare, goes on vacation with his
parents (and is so damn happy to find out there doesn’t seem to be a range to
how far he and Dean are from each other to share dreams), and does regular
teenager things.  Like spend days doing nothing but watching TV in his pajamas.
 Or go to the mall with friends just to loiter.  
And apparently have major panic attacks.
It should’ve been nothing.  He and some of the other kids from the wrestling
team go to a drive in movie.  They bring blankets and sit in the back of
Krissy’s dad’s truck, watching some cheesy horror movie and sharing snacks.
 It’s actually a lot of fun.  A lot of fun.  Enough that he doesn’t even think
about Dean or school or applying to college next year for the whole evening,
which is unusual.
They’re driving back into town, goofing off and making fun of the terrible one-
liners from the movie, when Krissy curses under her breath and pushes down on
the accelerator.  The others ignore her, but Jimmy’s attention is immediately
pulled from the conversation.  He turns to follow her line of sight and catches
the fact that they’re currently running a red light.
Screeching tires and a crash.  Being thrown as glass shatters.  Voices yelling
- screaming? - and the harsh smell of antiseptic.  Then the feeling of
weightlessness, drifting away-
“Jimmy?”
When he comes back to himself, he’s on the side of the road next to the truck.
 Krissy’s kneeling next to him with a concerned look on her face and a hand on
his shoulder.  Everyone else is standing in a semi-circle around them, a
respectful distance away as Kevin tells them to give him space and let him
breathe.
“What happened?” he asks and tries to stand up.  
Krissy holds him down easily, so Jimmy stops fighting it and stays there.  “I
ran that red light and you started hyperventilating.  I pulled over and we got
you out of the car.  You were out of it for a while there.”  She bites her lip
in concern.  “Is this about your car accident?”
Jimmy’s chest seizes up.  
“Cas died in a car accident.”
His jaw locks and he feels like he’s going to throw up.
“Some drunk driver ran a red light.”
He closes his eyes and concentrates on breathing.
“They got him to the hospital but… but he didn’t make it.”
“Jimmy?”
He uses Krissy’s voice to ground him.  Opening his eyes slowly, he meets hers.
 His mouth doesn’t want to work properly, so when he opens it, no words come
out.  
“I’m sorry, I should’ve been more careful.  I know you haven’t been driving to
school much since you hit that tree.  I must’ve really freaked you out.”
Oh right.  That accident.  Of course she means the one in the school parking
lot.  How could she know about Castiel?
“No, it’s alright.  I knew I was having issues with cars.  I should’ve warned
you.”  He forces the words out and pushes to his feet.  This time Krissy helps
him up.
“Hey man, it’s cool.”  Krissy’s smile is warm and comforting.  “I seriously
should’ve judged that better and never ran the light.”
The five of them cram themselves back into the truck.  Conversation doesn’t
come as easily as before, but soon Kevin finds a CD that’s nothing but covers
of Disney songs, and they’re enthusiastically singing along.  Jimmy holds it
together surprisingly well, but there’s no ignoring the fear he feels every
time Krissy takes a turn too sharply or the old engine sputters.
That night he doesn’t find himself in his usual dreams.  He knows instantly
that’s something’s different, sitting in the backseat of a car that’s too bigs
with hands that are too small holding a tablet he doesn’t recognize.  No matter
how hard he tries, he can’t make the dream shift or end.  He shouts Dean’s name
louder and louder as the car approaches a set of lights.  
In a panic, he tries to unbuckle himself.  The seat belt remains stubbornly in
place and the car keeps moving.  The woman in the front seat doesn’t hear his
pleas for her to stop and let him out.  He’s trapped.
With crystal clarity, he’s forced to relive the entire accident.  The crash and
the rush to the hospital with Castiel’s mother weeping over her son’s dying
body.  The weightless feeling and the riptide pull of the vortex in the sky.
 Being helpless to fight against it until it sucks him up whole.
Jimmy wakes up and finds himself paralyzed with fear.  His room’s pitch black
and it takes him a moment for his eyes to adjust.  As his room slowly takes
shape, he’s able to calm his racing heart and remind himself that the vortex
never got him.  He got away, because as strong as its pull was, there was a
stronger one.
Dean.
Without a conscious thought, Jimmy reaches for his phone and goes through the
contacts.  He’s never called Dean, but he has both his and Donna’s number.  The
coaches always give out their cell number when they have off campus matches in
case they get lost or something, and Donna will often send out mass text
messages reminding them about meets and practices.  Dean’s number is right near
the top, still marked as Coach Winchester.
“Hello?” a groggy voice answers, and it’s all Jimmy can do to sniffle out a
pitiful, “Dean!” before he bursts into tears.  He bawls over the phone as Dean
tries to comfort him, whispering endearments and generic promises like
“Everything’s going to be okay” and “Don’t worry, I’m here for you.”
“Jimmy,” Dean begs after several minutes of nothing more than sobs, “you gotta
tell me what happened.  Do you need me to pick you up?  Are you safe?  Are you
hurt?”
He holds back another wail.  No matter how real the nightmare felt, he isn’t
hurt.  He is safe.  He’s alive.
“I-I’m fine.”  Crying has made his throat sore and his voice sounds rough as it
forces its way out.  “I-I dre-dreamed of-of when I-I-I died,” he hiccups before
breaking off into whimpers.
There’s silence on the other end of the line.
“You at home?”
Jimmy nods, then remembers that Dean can’t see him.  “Yes.”
“Your parents home?”
“Yes.”
“You think you could sneak out?”
He’s never tried, but admittedly he has thought about it.  Climbing out his
window isn’t an option normally, and certainly not with now bad he’s shaking
right now.  The front door is too loud, but if he went out through the side
door in the garage, he could probably manage it without waking up his parents.
“Yes.”
“Meet me outside in twenty minutes, okay?”  
It’s not cold out, but Jimmy bundles himself up.  He can’t quite stop chills
from overtaking him, and his comfy sweatshirt at least helps minimize the
effect.  He waits by his mailbox, picking at the paint and waiting to hear the
sound of a car.  There’s one at the end of his street, but it sounds like it
pulls into a driveway and shuts off.  Not Dean then.
He’s starting to worry that Dean got lost or decided not to come after all when
the sound of approaching footsteps makes him jump up.
“Hey Jimmy,” Dean whisper yells at him as he comes to a stop a few feet away.
 “You got somewhere we can sit or you wanna go for a walk?”  He frowns at the
older man until Dean shrugs.  It’s hard to tell in the moonlight, but he might
be blushing.  “Figured you wouldn’t to go for a drive.”
In his blind panic about the dream, Jimmy might have overlooked that.  His mind
was so wrapped on the horrifying prospect of being swallowed by that vortex
that he’d managed to forget about the accident itself.  Though no doubt anxiety
would’ve gripped him the moment he set foot in Dean’s car.
“I’ve got a treehouse.”  
Dean chuckles but motions for Jimmy to lead the way.  It’s actually not much of
a treehouse, only maybe six feet off the ground.  It sure felt high as a kid,
though.  Then he got tall enough to reach up and touch the bottom, and some of
the magic disappeared.  
The last few times he’s gone in, he hasn’t even used the ladder, simply jumped
up and pulled himself up.  Now he uses the worn wood nailed to the tree, then
crawls to the far wall.  There’s enough room for him to lie down, but only
just.  He certainly can’t stand up anymore.  
It creaks a little under their combined weight once Dean follows him up.  Dean
looks at him uneasily but Jimmy pats the floor nearby in invitation.  He has
every confidence that the treehouse will hold.  
He expects Dean to sit a safe distance away, but he certainly doesn’t object
when Dean sits right next to him.  Their bodies are pressed together and if
that weren’t enough, Dean throws an arm over Jimmy’s shoulder.  Jimmy can’t
help but melt into the contact, snuggling into Dean’s warmth and breathing in
his musky smell.  
“How do you know where I live, by the way?” he whispers to Dean’s shoulder.
 How upset would Dean be if he leaned in and placed a kiss there?  
“We have all the contact info for kids on the team.  Names, numbers, parent
info… address.  Hope you don’t mind.”
“Does it look like I mind?”
Dean chuckles.  It sounds funny with Jimmy’s ear pressed to his chest.  He
wants to hear that sound again and again.  “No, not so much.”  They sit there
and listen to the crickets.  There’s probably another few hours before dawn,
and Jimmy selfishly hopes Dean will stay for all of them.
He nods off for a moment, only woken up when he feels (or thinks he feels, he
may be imagining it) a gentle kiss placed on his head.  
“Dean?”
“Yeah, Jimmy?”
“Can you tell me more about Castiel?  And your life after he disappeared?  Or
anything, really.  Just help me stay awake.”
“Sure, Jimmy.  I can do that.”
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
     ahhh why has this story taken me so long to finish?! but it's finally
     done :) happy ending and all!
     thank you to destielonfire for beta reading this chapter (though if
     you see any errors in the last little bit, that's all me). and thank
     you guys for sticking with me on this unexpected ghost!cas journey :)
     as always, you can visit me on tumblr - because of various big bang
     projects, i'm on there more often than on ao3 at the moment, but i am
     around and i am writing!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Sleep doesn’t come easily after that.  Why should it?  That dream was the
single most terrifying thing he can remember experiencing, possibly because it
actually happened to him.  
It takes a lot of coaxing on Dean’s part to get him over it.  Honestly, the man
is amazingly patient and so damn thoughtful Jimmy doesn’t know how he lucked
out.  Before he goes to bed each night, he texts Dean.  When he does fall
asleep, Dean’s always waiting.  
Dean really is his dreamcatcher, keeping the nightmares and bad memories at
bay.  He takes Jimmy on elaborate dates, dates beyond anything they could ever
do in real life.  Trips to Paris to watch fireworks light up the sky beyond the
Eiffel Tower.  Ski trips in the Alps with a cozy fire waiting for them
afterwards.  A visit to another planet, two moons lighting the sky as they hike
along the rocky terrain.  
It’s perfect.  Slowly, he starts looking forward to going to sleep just so he
can see what Dean has planned next.
Even when Dean makes him start practicing driving again.
“I hate this,” he grits his teeth and grips the wheel too tightly.  “Can’t I
just invest in a good bike?”
“We don’t have to do this, but I think it’d be good for you to practice here
where it’s safe.”
“I hate that we’re doing this but most of all I hate how reasonable that
sounds.”  Jimmy curses under his breath as he drives around empty dream
streets, criss-crossing through imagined neighborhoods and eventually learning
not to tense up every time Dean adds another car to the road.  Over the last
few weeks of summer, he regains his confidence behind the wheel and even plans
on driving to school again.
Though of course that brings new challenges.  Jimmy’s a senior, but a young
senior, so he and Dean still can’t be seen together in public.  The dreams help
give them time together, but after that night in the tree house, Jimmy finds
himself craving more.  Dean’s body - his actual flesh and blood body - pressed
against his, their lips coming together, and maybe, finally being intimate
again.  
Not that it matters until he’s graduated.  He’ll only be seventeen, but he
marks that down as the day he and Dean can date openly.  Jimmy won’t be in high
school anymore, Dean won’t be his coach, and he’ll practically be an adult,
which means he can make adult decisions.  Like whether he wants to fuck Dean in
the back of the Impala or in Dean’s apartment first.  (It’s always a question
of first, because Jimmy plans to have sex with Dean absolutely everywhere.)
Until then, he revels in the brief time they do get together.  Dreams and
wrestling practice, and best of all those rare times when Dean and Donna will
take the whole team out for ice cream after a good practice.  In those crowded
booths, no one notices if Dean’s thigh presses against Jimmy or if their hands
brush as they reach for an extra napkin.  It always sends a thrill through him,
but it’s nowhere near enough.
Despite how much he anticipates it, his graduation sneaks up on him.  One
minute, he’s in the middle of college applications (he picks several both in
and out of state), competing for States (which he wins), studying for AP exams
(which he does well on), and going to prom (with a group of friends; word’s
gotten around that he doesn’t date and Jimmy sees no reason to correct them -
he does date, but only Dean).  The next, he wakes up and his mom’s pestering
him to pick a school.
“Oh.”  He nearly drops his spoon into his cereal.  “I suppose I should pick
one, shouldn’t I?”
“Yes,” his mom laughs while mussing his hair.  “I know you got into all the
places you applied, but that doesn’t do you any good if you don’t make a
decision.”
He’s distracted for the next few days.  He’d looked into schools sophomore year
before he’d found out about Dean, always planning to leave and get as far away
as possible.  He spent a whole week researching the best programs and figuring
out which ones would be more likely to give him a scholarship, but the main
criteria was always the same: get out of Kansas.  Given that he’d died in this
town once already, his desire to escape makes a lot more sense.  
Things are completely different now, though.  He wants Dean, and he wants him
more than he wants to leave.  KU was supposed to be his safety school, a
consolation to his parents.  With Dean in the mix, it’s extremely appealing.
 It’s close enough he could live at home, or move in with Dean.  Dean’s taking
classes for his graduate degree, they could carpool together and be that sweet,
adorable couple that makes everyone else gag.  
Decision more or less made, he excitedly talks to all his friends and teachers
about his plans to go to the local college and become a psychologist.  His
enthusiasm for the plan has everyone congratulating him and wishing him good
luck.  They don’t quite understand his passion for child psychology, but given
how personal his reasons are, he doesn’t expect them to.  If anywhere out
there, there’s a child who went through what he did, he wants to be there to
help.  
He’s a senior, about to graduate, but the comradery of after school practices
keeps most of the other seniors coming back too.  By the end of practice,
Kevin’s the only one who hasn’t had enough of Jimmy’s happy babbling.  As they
move over to the bench press, Kevin gets in position while Jimmy wonders if he
should do a campus tour before freshman orientation in the fall.
“KU, huh?” Dean asks as he shoos Cas to the side and takes over as spotter.  
“Yes,” Castiel beams at Dean as the older man helps Kevin start his reps.
 “They have an excellent child psychology program.  One of the best in the
country, actually.  And it’s close to home and my family and friends and-”
“And he won’t shut up about it,” Kevin grits out.  
Dean helps him put the bar back on the stands.  “Kid’s excited.  I’m sure
you’ll be just as bad next year.  Go hit the showers, practice is almost done
anyway.”  Kevin seems all too happy to escape, giving a tired wave to both of
them before heading to the locker rooms.  Dean gestures for Jimmy to take his
place.  Jimmy’s three reps in when Dean casually says, “You know, I always
pegged you for an out of state guy.”
If this were a dream, he’d definitely make a crack about Dean being allowed to
peg him any time he wants.  In the not quite empty weight room, all he can do
is quirk an eyebrow and keep lifting.  “KU’s a perfect fit for me.”
Green eyes flicker with emotion too quickly for Jimmy to make it out.  “I’m
glad you picked a good school then.”
They’re cut off from discussing it further there, and for the next month Jimmy
can’t quite work it in when they’re dreaming.  Whenever he tries to steer the
conversation towards the fall, there’s always a distraction or Dean will
seamlessly change the topic.  It should be suspicious, but Jimmy honestly
doesn’t notice.  He’s too happy about the future, too excited about what’s to
come that it doesn’t register that Dean’s acting strangely.  They have the
whole summer to figure things out.
At his graduation, Dean and Donna and a bunch of the other coaches are there.
 Even though he expects to see him, Jimmy nearly trips over his feet and walks
off the edge of the stage when he sees Dean with the other faculty members.
 Dean Winchester, love of his life, is at his high school graduation.  Wearing
a suit.  Holy fuck.  Sure, he’s seen it in his dreams before, but the real
thing is so much better.  He spends the rest of the ceremony imagining a date
at a fancy restaurant, followed by him peeling that suit off of Dean piece by
piece before he fucks him into the nearest flat surface. It’s only with extreme
willpower that he forces the images from his mind so his boner will go down and
he can function like a regular human being for the rest of the day.  
The graduation ends with the usual tossing of their graduation caps.  Jimmy’s
pretty sure the one he ends up walking away with isn’t his, but oh well.  His
parents insisted he not lose it, so he grabbed the first one that landed near
him so he’d at least has something to wear during pictures.  
His mom and dad aren’t hard to spot.  They’d already agreed to meet by the
trees shading the left half of the field.  
“We’re so proud of you sweetie!” his mom gushes before trapping him in a
painful hug.  
Once he’s free, his dad offers him a handshake and a wink, “Good job, sport.”  
“Thanks.”  After some quick pictures together in every family combination
possible, they mingle with the other graduates and their families.  They end up
in a circle of wrestling kids, tearing up at Donna’s heartfelt speech about how
wonderfully talented athletes they are and how happy she is to have had the
privilege to coach them.
There’s a dinner at a nearby restaurant and the wrestling crowd ends up taking
over.  The place has a rooftop patio that’s barely big enough, but the servers
squeeze together a bunch of tables for all of them.  Jimmy isn’t able to get a
spot near Dean, but he is close enough to Donna to hear her loudly compliment
the parents on raising such amazing kids and then go on about how they’re
barely even kids any more.
“Look at you, all grown up and about to go off to college.  I’m gonna miss you
kiddos next year!”  The parents blink back tears and pat their kids on the
shoulder or kiss them on the cheeks.  There’s a collective groan from the
teenagers, but they’re good sports about their parents fussing over them.  
After they eat, the crowd gets up and walks around, forming smaller groups to
chat as they wait for dessert.  Jimmy makes small talk for a few minutes until
he spots Dean alone in the corner.  It’s not hard to sneak away and join him.  
The restaurant overlooks the Kansas River, and in the fading sunlight the water
sparkles with shades of blue, pink, and orange.  Jimmy wants to comment on how
beautiful it is, but Dean cuts him off.
“I’m moving.  To Michigan.”
Jimmy understands the words, but they don’t make any sense to him.  “What?” he
asks dumbly.  
“I graduate at the end of the summer.  There’s a company up in Michigan that
made me an offer.  I head out there early September.”
“You’re graduating?” he repeats.  No.  No no no, that can’t be right.  They
were supposed to go to school together.  Live off campus and drive in together
and meet for lunch on the quad.  “Already?  But doesn’t it take longer-?”
“Undergrad is four years, grad school’s usually less,” Dean explains.  “I
could’ve probably already graduated, but the coaching made me slow down a bit.
 I’ve got a couple classes this summer to finish up my degree.”
“Oh.”  Jimmy feels suddenly very young and naive to have not known this was a
possibility.  Here he is, trying to convince Dean he’s an adult and he doesn’t
know something that seems so basic.  He hadn’t even seen this coming.
 Undeterred, he stands up a little straighter.  “Well then, I’ll go with you.
 There’s still time for me to can change schools, I can-”
“Jimmy,” Dean interrupts.  His voice is gentle, but there’s a firmness behind
it that commands attention.  “There’s a reason I didn’t tell you before now.”
It clicks into place.  Dean changing the subject whenever Jimmy brought up
college.  His careful avoidance of talk beyond graduation.  The whole time,
he’s been keeping Jimmy from finding out that he’s leaving him behind.
“You don’t want me to come with you.”  It hurts almost as badly to say it as to
think it, but he forces the words out anyway.  
“It’s not that.”  With a sigh, Dean turns to face the river.  “I always wanted
Cas to go to college.  That was the one wish I had for him, after he died.
 He’d be there helping me with my homework and…  And it was one more thing he’d
never get to do.”
“I can still go to college.  There are schools in Michigan-”
“KU’s the best for what you wanna do.  You said it yourself.”  Jimmy remembers
all too well how he went on and on about their child psychology program, and it
makes him sick to realize he was putting himself in this situation.  “Don’t
limit yourself to being near me.  Go where you wanna go, do what’s best for
you.  And know that I’ll be there to support you.”
“Yeah right,” Jimmy laughs bitterly.  “If by ‘be there’ you mean ‘be hundreds
of miles away’ then sure, you’ll ‘be there.’”
“Jimmy, please.  I took that job before I knew where you were going to school.
 Never mind that there aren’t any jobs around here right now for what I wanna
do.  I’ll still see you every night, if you want me there.  I’ll be back home
for holidays.  And when you graduate from college-”
“When I graduate from college?” he snaps, rounding on Dean.  Dean looks around
nervously, but no one seems to be paying them any mind.  “First it was I wasn’t
old enough.”
“You’re still not eighteen, Jimbo.”
“Then,” he continues as though Dean hadn’t interrupted, “it’s because I’m still
in high school.  Now you’re telling me I have to wait until I graduate from
college to be with you?”
“Jimmy… I’m sorry.”
“Do you even want to be with me?  Do you even mean it when you say you love me?
 Is this because I’m not Cas?”
“What?  No!  I… How can you doubt…”  Dean visibly collects himself before
leaning over.  His next words come out strained and there’s something manic in
Dean’s eyes.  “If you hadn’t died in that car accident, we’d be married right
now.  Don’t give me that bullshit about you not being Cas, either.  You and I
both know you are.  I love you, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to do what you
want, when you want it.  I gotta look out for you, especially when you aren’t
going to look out for yourself.  
“You’re going to KU and you’re gonna major in the thing you love and wanna do,
and you’re gonna be happy you did it.  I’m going to Michigan to do a job I’m
probably gonna love doing, and I’m going to be happy I tried it.  I am not
going to let either of us become regrets for the other.  When we end up
together - and notice how I said when and not if - I want everything to be
perfect.  You can be pissy about it now if you want, but you’ll thank me for it
later.”
It stings and Jimmy glosses right over the parts of Dean’s argument that make
sense.  He’s hurt and he doesn’t really care about reason or logic right now.
 “Yes, I’m sure I’ll be so happy this decision was made for me.  It’s amazing
to know that I’m considered an equal part of this relationship, with actual
input and an opinion that’s valued.”
Dean’s shoulders slump.  “Jimmy- Cas- shit.”
“How elegant.”  He’s still pissed, but some of his anger drains away when he
sees how adorably flustered Dean is.
“Look, maybe this wasn’t the best way to go about this.  Okay,” Dean amends
when he sees Jimmy’s pointed look, “it was not the best way.  But I swear, I’m
not trying to get away from you or keep putting this off.  I love you and I
want what’s best for you.  Right now, that’s college.  I don’t want to be the
reason you don’t get the most out of that.  So please, do this for me.”
It’s really not fair.  Dean could ask anything of him, and he’d do it.  Before
he can answer, they’re interrupted by Donna gathering all the scattered members
of the team for a picture.  He’s exhausted by the time they’re done posing, and
his parents say their good-byes before ushering him back out to the car.  It’s
a sign of how weary he is that he doesn’t even bother protesting or seeking
Dean’s company one more time.
“You have a good day?” his mother asks as she pulls out of the parking lot.  
“Yep.”  He’d been happy for most of it, at least.  Until his dreams had been
brutally crushed.
They drive in silence for a while.  His dad looks at him in the rearview
mirror, sees how he’s slumped against the window.  “Coach Donna’s pretty nice.
 I can see why you kept doing wrestling this year, even with all those AP
classes.”
He grunts in reply.
“You and that other coach… Winchester, right?  He sure was talkin’ your ear
off.”
The last thing he wanted to do this evening was continue the charade that Dean
is his coach and nothing more.  This was supposed to be the night they could
slip their hands together and kiss lightly on the cheek without hiding it.
 He’d hoped to introduce Dean as his boyfriend.  Which was stupid, obviously.
 It was never going to be today.
Now that he’s thinking about the situation, he realizes how it would look.  The
day he graduates, Jimmy says he’s dating one of his coaches.  There’s no way
that wouldn’t cast Dean in a bad light.  
So he puts the guise of student/coach relationship back on.  “He was telling me
some of his wrestling stories from when he was my age.  Tried to get me to try
out for my college team.”
“Oh, you should!” his mother chimes in.  “I don’t know if you’d have time for
competing, but it’d be a good way to keep in shape and make some friends.
 You’ve always enjoyed wrestling, I’d hate to see you give it up now that
you’ve graduated.”
“Yeah it’d be good for you,” his dad agrees.  Any suspicion he might have felt
about Dean and Jimmy whispering together vanishes, making Jimmy’s gut wrench.
 “Maybe you should ask Coach Winchester to help you figure that out.  I think
he said he went to KU or something?  He might know some of the coaches there.”
“Uh huh.”  
His parents keep chatting about how much fun it’ll be for him to keep
wrestling, totally unaware of their son’s lack of enthusiasm.  It’s all he can
do to smile at them before disappearing into his room for the night.  He wavers
between wanting to dream about Dean and wanting time alone to clear his head.
 In the end, he decides he needs the space.
- - - -
The summer sucks.
Dean’s busy trying to graduate, and all Jimmy does is mope around the house.
 If he does go out with friends, he’s barely engaged in what they’re doing and
usually goes home early.  He mourns the summer he thought he’d have, all the
kisses and loving touches and promises spoken out loud for once.  Instead he
sees Dean a couple nights a week as they dream.  Dean still maintains his “no
sex” rule, and it hurts.  He doesn’t bring it up, because he knows the type of
romantic nonsense Dean would say.
“Want our next time to be special.  Want it to be real.”
It’s hard to argue with that, since he wants it to be real, too.  Mentioning it
will only cause them to argue about when and why not now and, if they’re not
careful, it’ll spiral downward into worse and worse questions.  So Jimmy lets
it be.
Just like he keeps his anguish to himself when Dean moves.  Dean has literally
been his anchor at times, and he’d been so certain he’d know the moment he
drove out of town.  It breaks his heart when he hears from Krissy that he’s
been gone a whole week.  A whole week, and Jimmy didn’t know.  A whole week,
and Dean didn’t say anything.  They see each other almost every night, yet Dean
didn’t think it was worth mentioning.
“You said we weren’t going to hide things anymore.  You said we were going to
be honest with each other!” he yells as he pushes hard against Dean’s chest.
 Even in their shared dream, Dean lets himself stumble backwards.
“I know, and I’m sorry.  But if you’d asked me to stay, I know I would’ve
broken down and done it.”  
Then stay! he wants to shout, but with great restraint he holds back.  It’s
unfair of him to ask.  So instead he steps forward into Dean’s arms and lets
the older man hold him tight.  “I’m going to miss you every day.”
Dean runs his hands through Jimmy’s hair and kisses the top of his head.  “I
know, sweetheart.  I miss you too.”
In those last few weeks before college starts, Jimmy grows up a lot.  He forces
himself to see Dean’s side of things.  Dean lost his best friend and missed him
for years without any hope of getting him back.  He’s in the position of being
in love with someone much younger than him whom he coached.  His whole life
would be put under scrutiny if they announced they’re a couple.  He’s doing the
best he can to make the right choices for both of them, but nothing’s going to
be a perfect fit right now.  One of them will have to give up their career
prospects to be together right now.  And as much as Jimmy hates to admit it,
they have time.  Putting things off for now won’t deny them years of happiness
together once things are more settled for them.  
He still hates it, though.  
- - - -
The school year passes so fucking slowly Jimmy feels like he’s losing his mind.
 Time only seems to move at an acceptable speed when he’s caught up in the
whirlwind of finals, but the moment he turns in his last exam, it goes back to
crawling along.  Thanksgiving Break, Winter Break, Spring Break, they all pass
uneventfully.  Despite Dean’s earlier promises to come back to Lawrence, he’s
usually in town for no more than a couple days.  Not enough time to arrange a
completely platonic meeting via the wrestling team.  The best they can do is
“accidentally” run into each other when they’re out to grab lunch, but Jimmy
can feel Dean radiating discomfort the whole time.  
After that, Jimmy doesn’t bother trying to schedule another meeting.  The
difference between the visibly unsettled Dean he sees at Chipotle is a far cry
from the relaxed version he gets at night.  Confident and at ease, it pains
Jimmy to see such a huge difference.  A growing worry forms that Dean will
never get over the seven year gap between them.  They’ll never get to be
together.
As his freshman year comes to a close, Jimmy counts down the days until his
eighteenth birthday.  He and Dean make out all night.  They reel it in when it
starts to get too heated.  The temptation lingers behind every press of their
lips, every swipe of their tongue, every caress as their hands wander.  Even
without sex, it’s an amazing way to spend his birthday.  
Jimmy knows better than to get his hopes up or expect a change, but there’s no
way he’s not going to celebrate.  Being eighteen is one less barrier between
him and Dean.  The list is becoming shorter and shorter.  With Dean working out
of state and him finishing school, all that’s left is for him to get his
degree.  He can make it another three years.  Dean is worth the wait.
- - - -
The summer is, unsurprisingly, miserable.  He has so much time on his hands,
and nothing to do during his waking hours except miss Dean and lament that he’s
not in Michigan.  Yes, he toys with the idea of going to visit.  But that would
require explaining to his parents why he’s disappearing to another state with
his former high school wrestling coach.  The little white lies he’s told so far
bother him, and the huge big one he’d have to tell to avoid mentioning Dean at
all is too much.  So he stays home and does extra classes and hangs out with
high school friends at every opportunity.  
And at night he watches movies and talks to Dean.  
- - - -
Another year flies by, but it doesn’t drag as much as before.  Jimmy’s gotten
used to not seeing Dean during his waking hours.  He’s more invested in his
classes, he’s made new friends, and living in the dorms is a nice change from
his parents’ place.  In his heart he still longs for the future, but he focuses
his present on getting there.
- - - -
Sometimes, Castiel’s memories are triggered.  
Some of them are from when Cas was alive.  He’ll be watching videos for his
child psych class, and they’ll sing a song.  Jimmy’s too young, doesn’t
recognize the tune at all… except he does, because it was one Cas and Dean used
to love as kids.  They’d sing it over and over on the bus to school each
morning until the words had lost all meaning.  And when his roommate Balthazar
drunkenly draws a face on one of his socks, it reminds him of a time Dean and
Cas did a puppet show rendition of Goldilocks for their families.  They’d spent
hours making those stupid sock puppets.  He remembers every single second of
it, too.  Picking out the right googly eyes and the best yarn color for
Goldilocks’ hair…  And how Sam had taken a liking to Baby Bear and eaten the
nose off of the puppet.  
Other memories are from after.  He’s sitting in the library studying for his
history midterm when he happens to look up.  It’s past dinnertime and the fifth
floor where he likes to sit is abandoned.  There’s not a peep or the rustling
of books or even the sound of the A/C.  Complete silence.  Jimmy distinctly
thinks of how it should be eerie, but it isn’t at all.  It’s comfortable and
familiar.  The image of himself - shapeless, bodyless, nothing but a wavelength
of light - floating through library stacks as he read the night away.  Whole
books come back to him, things he’s never read but now loves dearly.  
What he remembers of being a ghost is quiet and solitary, but he never felt
more lonely than when he’d return to Dean’s room before dawn.  Watching that
beautiful boy asleep in his bed, so close but forever out of reach…  He’d never
wanted anyone but Dean, and he’d known even then that he never would.  
The worst is when he’s outside under the stars, lying on a scratchy blanket and
trying to locate various constellations for his astronomy class.  He’s
instantly thrown back in time nearly a decade.  There’s a homecoming dance,
Dean’s body pressed safely beneath him, and miles of stars above.  Remembering
his decision to leave Dean is almost as painful as remembering the car accident
that killed him.  The latter left him paralyzed in fear.  The former has him
crying in the middle of the quad at three am.  This time, he doesn’t call Dean
for comfort.  Even if he weren’t a world away, it seems wrong.  The car
accident hurt them both, but it was neither of their fault.  Cas leaving…
that’s on him.  It’s for him to face the consequences of that on his own.
As with all the other pieces of Castiel’s life and afterlife, Jimmy files away
the memory and cherishes what it tells him about who he used to be.  The bad
parts and the good.
- - - -
Jimmy does a summer abroad between his sophomore and junior years.  The school
pairs him up with a family in Spain, and he spends nearly eight weeks taking
classes, touring the country, and learning how to actually speak Spanish
instead of rotely repeating the things in his textbook.  He even develops a
liking to spicy food, something he’d never really been into before but can’t
get enough of now.  
The only downside is the distance.  Michigan and Kansas are close enough that
whatever connection binds Dean and Jimmy together, it doesn’t weaken.  Their
dreams are just as crisp and vibrant as when they were both in Lawrence.
 Apparently Spain is too far for their bond.  The weeks stretch on without any
sign of Dean.  He hopes it’s because of the time zones, but that hope fizzles
out the longer he’s there.  
He tries sending an email once or twice, but he barely has time to keep his
parents updated that it kind of slips his mind.  He’s so used to the way things
are; he sees Dean at night, and integrating him into his daily routine hasn’t
happened since he graduated.  One day it’s the start of his trip, and seemingly
the next he’s gone seven weeks without hearing from him at all.  The few text
messages he’s sent haven’t gotten a reply, and it starts to worry him.  
Before he goes to bed that night, he sends a quick I miss you <3.  
He dreams of being back at KU, his high school and college friends mixed
together as they enjoy tapas on the soccer field.  His Spanish brother, as he
so fondly refers to the boy he shares a room with in Madrid, is there too.  He
organizes a game of soccer, girls against guys, and the ball defies all laws of
physics as it flies through the air.  Everyone shouts in Spanish and English,
an impossible mix of the two languages, and Jimmy is aware enough to think of
how strange this whole thing is.  
It’s been over a year since he’s dreamed of a Dean that isn’t actually Dean, so
when he sees a familiar figure standing in the bleachers, it draws his
attention.  Ditching the soccer game - and the ball sails right past his head
as he tries to dart away - he goes straight for Dean.  
“Dean!”  He grins so widely his face hurts and he wonders if his body is
smiling in his sleep.  The soccer game continues behind him, but the sounds are
muted and it fades from his awareness.  All he cares about is Dean.  Once he’s
close enough, Jimmy engulfs Dean in a bruising hug.  They’re about the same
height now, only an inch or two between them, and it thrills him.  “I didn’t
think you could dream call me this far!”
“Guess I can.”  There’s no warmth to the words, and suddenly Jimmy realizes
Dean’s not hugging him back.  
Pulling away, he looks up to meet Dean’s eyes.  They’re closed off and…
worried?  “What’s wrong?  What happened?”  
“Nothing.”  He takes a seat and motions for Jimmy to do the same.  “Can we talk
a bit?”
That sounds ominous.  “Sure.”  He doesn’t push for Dean to go on, even though
anxiety twists through him and demands
“I’ve uh… I’ve been able to reach you the whole time.  I came a couple times in
the beginning, but you were so distracted with stuff like this.”  Dean waves a
hand at the field, cast in a dim light now that neither of them is really
paying attention to the game.  “Seemed like you were having fun.  I didn’t want
to interfere.”
Jimmy doesn’t know how to respond to that.  He puts a hand on Dean’s knee and
squeezes gently.  “Dean, I’d always rather have you around than not.”
“Yeah, right,” Dean grumbles bitterly.  
“So you’ve been avoiding me these past few weeks…”
Dean shrugs, keeping his head down.  “You’re not wrong.”
“I don’t understand,” he says slowly.  “Do you not want me anymore?”  Dean
winces, and before he can stop himself, other accusations fly out.  “Did you
ever plan on actually being with me? Or did you only want me when I was young
and naive?  Just some kid you could take advantage of until you got bored and
moved on to someone… someone older and more experienced.”  There’s no part of
Jimmy that believes that’s true.  He’s too upset to hold back, wants to goad
Dean into admitting he cares, because without that there’s no way for them to
move forward.
“Wh-what?”  Dean finally looks at him.  “No!  Jimmy, of course that’s not it.”
“Then what is it, Dean?  You avoid me for weeks, and I’m supposed to believe
you still plan on us being together?”
“I…”  Ashamed, he turns away.  “I’m so proud of you,” Dean whispers.  “You were
always amazing, always too good for me and I just…  You keep getting better.
 You’re doing so well.  You’ve got so much in front of you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Don’t you get it?” Dean laughs bitterly.  “Your future’s so bright and
amazing… and I’m your past.  I’m Cas’ past.  I’ve always been waiting for the
day you’d outgrow me.  Here you are in friggin Spain, man.  We haven’t talked
in weeks and you’re doing fine without me.  You’ll keep doing fine without me.
 I don’t wanna hold you back.”
“Dean?”  Jimmy hates that his voice quivers, sounding watery even though the
tears threatening to fall aren’t real.  It takes some gentle nudging to get
Dean to meet his eye.  “I love you, Dean Winchester.  You have never held me
back.  Not as Castiel, and definitely not as Jimmy.  You’ve made me want to be
better, so I can be the type of person you deserve.  I want to be with you.
 But…”  Dean flinches.  “If that’s not something that’s on the table…  If
you’re always going to keep coming up with reasons to stay away or you’re never
going to believe me when I say I’m ready and know what I want, then you should
let me know.  I’d wait for you forever, Dean, but I’d at least like to know
ahead of time that’s how long I’m waiting.”
“Jimmy-”
He leans over to kiss Dean.  “Think about it.  You don’t have to tell me now.”
 Before Dean can say anything they’ll both regret, he disappears.
- - - -
After that, he doesn’t hear from Dean.  No texts or emails or dream visits.
 Not that he’s surprised, but he’s disappointed nonetheless.  When he arrives
back in Kansas, the last vestiges of calm escape him.  He puts on a show for
his parents, but as soon as he’s in his off-campus apartment with Balthazar, he
lets his melancholy overtake him.  
One night he’s watching awful, incredibly sappy made-for-TV rom-coms and binge
eating ice cream.  He’s wearing nothing but his boxers and a thin black tee,
spread out so that he takes up most of the couch.  He’d made the mistake of
googling ‘how to get over a broken heart’ and perhaps taken the more cliched
suggestions a little too seriously.  When Balthazar shows up, he takes one look
at Jimmy and shakes his head.  
Without a word, he plops down next to him and steals the pint of ice cream
right out of his hands.  “You know why I like you, Jimmy?”
His attempts to get his ice cream back are met with Balthazar swatting his
hands with the spoon.  “Because I’m the only person who can put up with you
enough to be your roommate?”
Balthazar looks aghast at the mere suggestion.  “No!  Because I knew the moment
I met you, you’d never fall in love with me.”
He can’t help but snort.  “That a real problem for you?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Well, you got that right.  You’re completely safe from any romantic
entanglements with me.”  They watch the TV until a commercial break comes on.
 “How’d you know that, by the way?  That I wouldn’t fall in love with you.  We
met freshman year, and my reputation for having no dating life hadn’t gotten
around yet.”
As he licks the spoon clean and drops the empty ice cream container on the
coffee table, he looks at Jimmy like he’s an idiot. “You’re kidding, right?
 You’re so obviously in love with someone else, it’s pathetic.  Don’t get me
wrong, it’s an adorable type of pathetic, but still pathetic.  You don’t date
not because you don’t like dating.  You don’t date because you already found
someone, and you’re waiting for him to come around and realize what he’s
missing.”
“How’d you know it’s a him?”
“Uh, i have eyes, darling.”  Balthazar rolls his eyes.  “Don’t make me say it…
 Ugh, you don’t even try to hide your dildo.  And the noises you make when you
jerk off.  The walls are thin.  You’ve only called out one name over the year
and a half I’ve lived with you, and it’s definitely not a girl’s name.”
Jimmy turns beet red as mortification chokes him.  He doesn’t even use the
dildo that often, and he had tried to hide it… At least, he thought he had.
 And he didn’t think he was thatloud.  Oh god this is the most embarrassing
conversation of his life.  It’s Balthazar, though.  A guy he’s walked in on
while he was shaving his chest using the kitchen sink.  If there’s anyone he
can trust not to judge him, it’s Balthazar.  
“And I’m guessing, if your current state is anything to go on, that this
mysterious Dean has finally gone and ended it.  If you want, point me in his
direction and I’ll kick his ass for you.”
“That’s both very sweet of you to offer and completely unnecessary.”
“Don’t try to pretend it was a ‘mutual decision.’  You’re in your underwear
eating ice cream out of a container at three in the afternoon.  Whatever
happened, you’re not happy about it.”
No, he is not.  He’d hoped Dean would’ve contacted him by now.  Apologized for
thinking so little of himself and of Jimmy’s affection for him, reaffirmed that
the moment Jimmy’s done college they’d get to be together.  Instead all he’s
gotten is silence.
“I appreciate the support.”  Then he adds weakly, “Hopefully things can still
work out.”  Or I’ll spend the rest of my life pining over Dean Winchester.
 
- - - -
The last four years of his life (and much longer than that) boils down to an
ordinary Saturday morning in mid-August.  
Jimmy’s in the process of getting ready to go out with Balthazar.  The other
boy has been bugging him to get out of the apartment, so he finally gave in and
agreed to check out a winery.  (“... We’re nineteen.”  “Where’s your sense of
adventure?  They don’t card, and I know one of the owner’s sons.” “... You’re
sleeping with him aren’t you?”  “Well of course I’m sleeping with him!  You
coming or not?”)  Not that he plans on drinking; Balthazar’s assurances aren’t
enough to make him comfortable, but he’s pretty sure Balthazar will need a
designated driver.  He’s grabbing his keys from his room when he hears a knock
on the front door.  
He comes down the hallway, tucking in his shirt as he goes, and wonders who the
hell else Balthazar invited.  He thought it would be just the two of them, and
it’s strange that his roommate is rather aggressively barring the entrance to
the apartment and glaring at whoever’s out in the hallway.  
When he hears what Balthazar’s saying, he stops dead in his tracks.
“You’re him, aren’t you?”
Oh shit.  He couldn’t mean-
“Uh, maybe?”  Definitely Dean’s voice.
“Your name Dean?”
“Yeah…?”
“Then yeah, you’re him.”  Balthazar straightens up to his full height - even
with the door blocking his view, Jimmy knows Dean’s still got several inches on
him - and looks as angry as he did the time Mirabel spilled salsa on his new
jeans.  “You here to finish breaking his heart, or are you here to fix it?  You
might be six feet of muscled lumberjack, but if you’re here to hurt him, I
willhurt you.”
“... Who are you?”
Balthazar makes a noise that tells Jimmy just how insulted his roommate is, so
he steps forward and places a hand on his shoulder.  “It’s okay, Balth.  I can
handle this.”
They share a look before Balthazar relaxes and moves to let Dean in.  “You need
me to stick around or should I make myself scarce?  Because if this is going to
end up in loud makeup sex, I'd rather not be here.”
Dean turns bright red and Jimmy rolls his eyes.  “It's fine.  I don't need a
babysitter.”
“So… makeup sex.” Jimmy moves in to punch his shoulder, but Balthazar nimbly
dodges away.  “I'll hang out at the cafe across the street for a bit.  If I
don't hear from you in thirty, I'm heading to the winery without you.”
“Winery?” Dean asks, clearly confused about two nineteen year olds going out
for drinks.
“Balthazar has a booty call,” he stage-whispers.  “The wine's just a bonus.”
“Uh, other way around, darling.  He's barely tolerable in bed, but the wine is
to die for.  His sister, though, she's fantastic.” And with that, Balthazar
waves goodbye, shutting the apartment door behind him.
Dean and Jimmy stand there awkwardly for a few minutes.  “You look good,” Dean
starts.  His eyes trail appreciatively up and down Jimmy's body, and Jimmy's
gratified to know he can still get some sort of reaction from Dean.
“Thanks.”  Before the silence can become uncomfortable, he asks, “How'd you
find me?”
“I uh… I asked your parents.”
Jimmy raises an eyebrow at that.  “And what made-up wrestling related reason
did you tell them?”
“I didn't.  Make one up, I mean.”  Dean’s flustered but determined, not giving
in to the embarrassment he clearly feels as he explains, “I kinda said we've
kept in touch over the past few years, and that I'm back in town and wanted to
surprise you…  And ask you out.”
Jimmy gapes and takes a step back.  Goosebumps rise along his arms and he feels
lightheaded.  “You… told my parents you want to date me?”  Dean nods.  “What'd
they say?”
“That matter?”
“It wouldn't change my answer, but it might make Thanksgiving awkward if
they’re not happy about it.  What'd they say?”
“I don't really remember.  I was too busy trying not to have a stroke.  I
thought my dad was intimidating, but your mom looked about ready to grab a
shotgun or something.  But I guess I was able to convince them to give me a
shot, since they gave me your address.  Eventually.”
Jimmy grimaces, imagining his mom cornering Dean in the kitchen and making him
tea while interrogating him about his intentions with her son.  “Sorry.”
“Don't worry about it.  Figured I should get it over with, if we're gonna start
officially dating.” Dean's face contorts in pain for a second while he quickly
adds, “I mean, if you want to date me still.  I know I've been an ass-”
“Dean,” he breathes out.  He wants to step forward and his fingers itch to grab
hold of Dean, but it’s too soon to give into those desires.  First he has to be
sure.  As much as he doesn’t want to get his hopes up, he can’t help the way
his heart skips a beat.  “Dean, what are you saying?”
“I thought about what you said and you’re right.  I keep making excuses and
putting things off and… I don’t want to do that anymore.  I said I didn’t want
us to become regrets for each other, and I meant that, but I realized I’d
regret it more if I never got to be with you.  I should’ve never left you.”
Jimmy’s feet cross half the distance between them before he forces himself to
stop.  He swallows thickly.  For years he’s wanted to hear these words, and now
that it’s happening he’s paranoid he’s dreaming.  It doesn’t feel like a dream,
but after years of putting it off, it doesn’t quite feel like reality either.
 “Dean-”
“Lemme finish.”  The desperate note to Dean’s words makes him close his mouth.
 “I’m moving back to Lawrence.  I quit my job in Michigan, got a couple
interviews lined up around here.  You’ve still got a couple years left of
school, then we can figure out where we wanna live. You wanna stay here or move
across the country or another continent or something, we’ll make it work.
 Because I’ll follow you anywhere, Jimmy.  I’m never gonna be happy unless I’m
with you.  I fucking tried, and I just..  Even on the best days, there was
something missing.  And I figured that was my fault for leaving, and I dealt
with it.  
“But what you said in Spain made me think that I’m not the only one hurting.
 Me hurtin’ is fine.  I’ve been dealing with that on and off since I was
eleven.”  Jimmy tries to interrupt and say that is in no way fine, but Dean
waves off the attempt and continues.  “You hurting is not okay.  Especially if
I’m causing it.  All I want is for you to be happy, and if I’m making you
unhappy, just say the word and I’ll do whatever I can to change that.  If me
being here helps, then I’m here.  If us dating helps, then I’m yours.  For as
long as you’ll have me.”
Jimmy waits for a few seconds to see if he’ll be scolded again, then asks, “You
done?”  Dean gives a curt nod.  The guy looks half hopeful and half terrified
Jimmy’s going to turn him down.  As if there’s any world where Jimmy would turn
down Dean.
Finally closing the last few feet between them, Jimmy rushes over and collides
with Dean.  The older man barely has time to recover before Jimmy’s lips are on
him.  When Dean gasps in surprise, Jimmy takes advantage and slips his tongue
inside Dean’s mouth and taste him.  Honest to god taste him after years of only
imagining.  Fingers tangling in Dean’s hair, he holds him close and loses
himself in everything Dean.  
Dean breaks the kiss first. He doesn’t go far, resting their foreheads together
as they breathe in the same air.  “Is that a yes?”
“You idiot. Of course it’s a yes.”
“Hey hey hey, you shouldn’t call me an idiot.”  Dean’s hands circle around
Jimmy before resting on his ass.  “My boyfriend won’t like that.”  At the word
boyfriend, he gives a squeeze that forces a full body shiver to run through
Jimmy.  
“You don’t play fair.”  He forces himself to pull out of Dean’s embrace,
grabbing his hand and leading him down the hallway.
“Where are we-?”
“You heard Balthazar.  Makeup sex.  Now.”  
“Now?  Like now now?”
Jimmy stops in the doorway to his bedroom, rounding on Dean.  “Would you rather
wait longer?”  He hopes his tone is firm and none of his lingering doubt leaks
in.  What if Dean doesn’t want this?
“Nope.  I’m good.  Very very good.  Just uh, surprised.  Thought you might need
more time.”
He gives Dean a scathing look before pulling him towards the bed.  “We haven’t
had sex since you realized I was alive.  How much more time could I need?”
After they fall onto the bed together, they don’t talk for the next few
minutes.  It’s all hands exploring, lips locking, and feet tangling together.
 This is so much better than any dream he’s ever had.  Every sound, taste,
feeling, thought is there in a way he’s never experienced.  He gets lost in it,
drowning in the sensation of being with Dean.  
Soon the exploratory touches turn demanding as Jimmy find himself needing more.
 He doesn’t even realize he’s hard until his cock lines up with Deans and they
moan into each other’s mouth.  He grabs a fistful of Dean’s shirt and holds him
in place so he can grind against him.  Dean rolls on top of him, using the new
position to thrust down roughly.  A few more times and Jimmy gives up trying to
keep up.  His head rolls back into the sheets as he moans.  
“Lube?” Dean asks.  Jimmy points to the nightstand and Dean rolls over to dig
through the drawer.  Even after the bottle gets dropped on the bed, Dean pokes
around some more.  “Condoms?”
“No.”  Dean looks at him in question, and Jimmy rolls his eyes.  “Why would I
have condoms?  You’ve been in Michigan.  I don’t need them when it’s just me.”
“I thought you’d uh… maybe… had sex?”  If looks could kill, he’s fairly certain
the withering glare he sends Dean’s way would have the other man dead on the
spot.  “Sorry…  I just… you’re hot, man.  And you’re young and it’s college and
we weren’t technically together, sorta, and I didn’t want to assume-”
“I don’t want to risk sounding like a broken record, but you are an idiot.”
“Yeah,” Dean agrees as he slides back in for another kiss.  “But I’m your
idiot.”  They kiss for a little longer before Dean pulls back to nibble at his
earlobes.  “How you wanna do this?” he whispers.  “I’m up for whatever, but I’d
really like you inside of me.”
“Yes,” he gasps.  “That.  Let’s do that.”
Dean chuckles but obliges, losing his own shirt before helping Jimmy out of
his.  They fumble to get their pants off.  Dean’s boxers are gone and he’s
naked while Jimmy’s shaking hands can barely get his jeans around his ankles.
 He’s nervous and excited and his stupid hands won’t work right-
“Shhh…” Dean soothes.  A calming touch on his hands stops him short.  “Lemme
help you with that, sweetheart.”  As Dean slowly removes Jimmy’s boxers, he
kisses down his legs and then kisses the ends of his toes.  Once they’re gone,
he’s bare for Dean’s hungry gaze.  “You are gorgeous, you know that Jimmy?”
Dean asks as he strokes himself.  
Jimmy’s cheeks heat up at the praise.  He’s too tongue-tied to return the
compliment, because fuck if Dean isn’t the most beautiful creature he’s ever
seen, but the words won’t come.  Dean doesn’t seem to mind.  He reaches for the
lube and squirts a generous amount on his hand.  Straddling Jimmy, he bends
over so their foreheads are touching and starts to open himself up.
“You really are amazing,” Dean whispers as he works, each word punctuating a
careful thrust.   “Perfect, beautiful, so smart and kind and the best thing
that’s ever happened to me.  I’m sorry I kept putting this off.  I don’t know
how I thought I could live without you.  I was shit awful at it before, no way
I’d ever manage it for long.”
Now, finally, Jimmy finds the words he needs to say.  “I’m sorry I left you.
 As Cas, I mean, I’m sorry.  I… I remember it.  I remember thinking I could
never have you, and that you’d never want me, and if I’d known-”
“It’s okay.”  Dean kisses away the rest of his confession.  He grabs more lube
and starts covering Jimmy’s cock.  “I didn’t even know I loved you then.  Knew
I missed you, but it took me a while apart to figure out why I missed you so
much.  Besides, I think it worked out pretty well.”
“Don’t say-”  He wants to scold Dean for brushing it off his apology, like
Dean’s hurt was meaningless, but he’s distracted by Dean lining up Jimmy’s cock
and sinking down on it.  “Oh fuck.”
“I know, right?” Dean laughs as he sinks down all the way.  “Way better than
dream sex, amirite?”
There’s no comparison.  He’s glad Dean’s stopped, otherwise he’d probably be
coming within minutes.  Jimmy bites his lips and squeeze his eyes shut, fingers
digging into Dean’s thighs as he tries to stave off the orgasm threatening to
overtake him.  Dean, at least, doesn’t push.  He languidly moves his thumbs
over Jimmy’s nipples and occasionally clenches around Jimmy, but otherwise he
waits for Jimmy to let him know when he’s ready.
A few more deep breaths and he’s not entirely sure he’ll be able to last much
longer anyway, but he can’t wait either.  “Move.”  
“You sure?” Dean wiggles his hips.  Jimmy moans eagerly and jerks his hips
upward, earning an echoing moan from Dean.  They don’t talk after that.  Dean
begins to rise and fall, gaining speed as he finds a rhythm.  The feel of
Dean’s tight heat squeezing around him, the sounds Dean makes as he nears the
edge, the beautiful line of Dean’s body as his muscles work to get them off…
 Jimmy tries to commit all of it to memory.  
Especially when Dean’s eyes roll back, movements stuttering to a near stop as
he comes all over himself.  It’s breathtaking, and even more so once he
realizes Dean hadn’t even put a hand on himself.  The realization combined with
the sight has his orgasm crashing through him, and his back arches as he comes
deep inside Dean.  
Dean rides him through it before collapsing on him, smearing his come all over
Jimmy’s chest.  Which is actually a lot hotter image than Jimmy thought it
would be, and his spent dick twitches even as he slips out of Dean.  
“You came quickly,” Jimmy teases.  
He pinches Jimmy.  “Oh, like you’re Mr. Marathon Man.  Give a guy a break.  I
haven’t had sex in like five years.  I’ve basically re-hymenized since then.”
“... You’re fucking kidding me that I’ve fallen in love with a man who would
say shit like ‘re-hymenized’.”
“It’s a cruel world, what can I say.”  Dean grabs the blankets and wraps it
around them.  There’s a wet spot against Jimmy’s stomach, but he couldn’t care
less.  Dean’s in hisbed, sharing the same blanket with him after they’ve had
sex.  He’ll deal with all the wet spots if it means keeping this moment going
as long as possible.
They lie there for a while.  Jimmy rubs circles on Dean’s chest, and Dean’s
fingers run through Jimmy’s hair.  Sleep is slowly pulling him under, but he
jerks awake at a sudden thought.  Shifting so he can meet Dean’s eyes, he asks,
“You really moving back?”
“Yeah.  Got an apartment maybe fifteen minutes from here.  My stuff ‘ll be here
by the end of the week.”  
Jimmy’s head buzzes with possibilities.  Only fifteen minutes away from his
boyfriend.  He could stop by whenever he wants.  They could have dinner
together, he could spend the night sometimes, they could-
“I uh… I’ve got an extra bedroom.  If you want it.”
-move in together.
“Hmmm,” Jimmy says as he pretends to consider.  “How big’s your bed?”
Dean chokes on nothing and blushes.  “It’s a king.”
“There room for one more there?”
“Oh god yes.”
They’re living together by the end of the week.  They’re engaged five months
later.  By the end of the next year, they’re married.  Jimmy claims he never
doubted they’d get here, but Dean’s not sure he believes it.  It’s easy to be
confident now that they’re on the other side of things, living comfortably in a
small house outside of Lawrence.  There were plenty of times Dean doubted it
was possible.  He hasn’t forgotten the years of loneliness after Cas died and
the pain of watching Jimmy grow up but not being able to really be a part of
it.  The decision to go to Michigan had pretty much ripped his heart out, but
it felt like the right thing to do.  
The second he came back and saw Jimmy smile at him, that was when he knew it’d
be okay.  All the doubt and worry and miscommunication that threatened to
prevent them getting together didn’t mean a thing.  They could do this.  Cas
had died and they’d still found a way back to each other.  There was no reason
they couldn’t work around anything else that came their way.  
After all the shit they’ve gone through, nothing was going to keep them from a
well-earned happily ever after together.
Chapter End Notes
     Bonus Scene 1:
     All of Jimmy’s wrestling buddies have been invited to dinner at a
     nice restaurant. Donna’s there too. They’re chatting about how
     college is going for everyone so far.
     Donna: So does anyone know what this is about…?
     Krissy: … We thought you organized it
     Donna: Nope
     Dean and Jimmy appear hand in hand before taking a seat at the head
     of the table. Everyone’s frozen, looking at their joined hands.
     Krissy’s mouth is gaping open. Donna looks like she’s about to have a
     heart attack. Pretty much everyone has one of those reactions.
     Jimmy: Thanks for coming, everyone! Dean and I have some great news
     we wanted to share with you.
     Dean: Jimmy and I have been dating for the past few months and we’re
     getting married.
     The crowd is dead silent as they digest this information, until
     they’re interrupted by a very loud…
     Kevin: *slamming his fists on the table* I FUCKING KNEW IT
     Bonus Scene 2:
     *at dean and jimmy’s wedding*
     Sam: Man, I never thought this day would come.
     Dean: …. Thanks asshole.
     Sam: No, I mean… I never thought you’d get over Cas enough to move on
     and marry someone else.
     Dean: Uh… I didn’t?
     Sam: … What?
     Dean: I uh… I’m marrying Cas. Today. Right now. *pointing to Jimmy*
     That’s Cas.
     Sam: ……. Care to explain?
     Dean: Pull up a chair and grab a couple beers. This is gonna take a
     while.
End Notes
     MCD: only refers to Cas dying in part one/two and his disappearance;
     there are no new MCD but since it's such a major part of this series,
     i continue to put it in the tags to warn people
     underage: there's some sexual tension between dean (age 23 in this
     chapter) and cas (age 16 in this chapter); nothing actually happens,
     but the possibility of it is there throughout the chapter. the story
     will, however, end when cas is out of college
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