Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/3279734.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      弱虫ペダル_|_Yowamushi_Pedal
  Relationship:
      Arakita_Yasutomo/Shinkai_Hayato
  Character:
      Arakita_Yasutomo, Shinkai_Hayato, Fukutomi_Juichi, Tadokoro_Jin
  Additional Tags:
      First_Time, Anal_Sex, Anal_Fingering, Oral_Sex, Hand_Jobs, Confessions,
      initial_reluctance, House_Party, Making_Out
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-02-02 Words: 8341
****** Choosing My Confessions ******
by Zee
Summary
     Arakita had kissed back. Briefly, but it had happened. Shinkai can’t
     help but cling to that knowledge, despite the fact that Arakita had
     ultimately pulled away.
Notes
     Thanks to Ouroboros for the beta. Title is from "Losing My Religion"
     by R.E.M.
See the end of the work for more notes
Shinkai realizes he’s in trouble when he catches himself staring at Arakita’s
ass. Arakita’s so skinny that he barely has any ass to speak off, but Shinkai
finds his eyes drawn there anyway. They’re on their bikes, Arakita pulling in
front of him, and even though Shinkai’s muscles are screaming with exhaustion
he can still recognize the kernel of desire taking root in his stomach. When
you’re riding in a team, it’s impossible not to look at your teammates’ legs,
but Shinkai knows himself too well to give himself that excuse. He looks up and
takes in Arakita’s body as he rides: the way his long limbs curve around his
bike, the twisted facial expressions he makes, the way his shoulder blades jutt
out from his back as he hunches over.
Shinkai wants everything that’s in front of him. He crunches the power bar in
his mouth in half, letting the other half fall to the ground. Yasutomo. Huh.
This crush hasn’t exactly come up out of nowhere--they’ve been friends for a
long time--but it is surprising.
“What are you staring at?” Arakita barks at him later, when he notices Shinkai
looking. They’ve all dismounted from their bikes after a hard practice and are
heading to the showers. Shinkai averts his eyes.
“Nothing,” he says, and Arakita seems to believe him. He snorts and mutters his
familiar, “Idiot” under his breath as he shoulders past Shinkai on the way to
the locker room. Shinkai doesn’t bother to keep the smile from his face. He
doesn’t know when he became so fond of Arakita’s insults and crabby attitude,
but the affection is undoubtedly there.
Shinkai’s not big on lying to himself. He likes Arakita, he knows that. The
question is if he’s going to do anything about it.
That night, Arakita comes over to Shinkai’s room to do his homework. This is a
fairly standard routine: Shinkai almost always ends up doing his homework with
at least one of the other third-years on the team, and tonight Toudou
apparently has other plans and Juichi finished all his work early. So it’s just
him and Arakita, Shinkai sitting at his desk and Arakita sprawled on Shinkai’s
bed. His feet are on Shinkai’s pillow. That should bother him, Shinkai’s fairly
certain, but it’s Arakita. He can put his feet anywhere he wants.
“Will you quit fucking staring at me like that?” Arakita says, and Shinkai
realizes he was completely spacing out. He blinks.
“Like what?” Shinkai says. He’s still on the fence on the “do something about
it” question.
“I don’t fucking know, like I hold the secret to something and you’re trying to
find out what it is,” Arakita grouses. “It’s unnerving.”
“Sorry,” Shinkai says, shrugging. He doesn’t stop looking, though. Arakita’s
hair is falling into his face and he’s chewing on the end of his pencil. He’s
handsome enough, although not really enough to explain the fluttery feeling in
Shinkai’s gut. But he also has nice shoulders and long legs and he’s
deceptively kind for someone who tries to make everyone think he’s an asshole.
It all adds up to someone Shinkai wants to kiss.
Arakita throws his pencil at Shinkai’s chest, where it bounces off. “What’s
with you?”
“I’m just distracted tonight, I guess.” Shinkai picks up the pencil from the
floor and takes it back over to Arakita, setting it on his open math book.
“What’s distracting you?” Arakita cranes his neck up to meet Shinkai’s eyes,
exposing the long line of his throat.
Shinkai’s mouth goes dry. He has never been particularly shy about this kind of
thing, has always found it easy to approach a girl or a guy that he’s into. But
Arakita is his friend, which makes the risk substantially higher.
“I guess I’m worried about the Inter-High,” he says, straining to come up with
a believable lie.
Arakita makes a face. “That’s still weeks away. All our training is on
schedule, we’re doing everything we can. Worrying about it is useless.”
“You’re right,” Shinkai says, watching Arakita’s lips as he talks. “I guess I
shouldn’t lose sleep over it.”
“Hell no. Fuku-chan will take us to the finish line.”
“Yeah,” Shinkai says, barely hearing him. He sits down on the bed next to
Arakita, who scoots over automatically to make room.
“Or we’ll fail,” Arakita continues with a shrug. “Either way there’s nothing
you can do about it now, so why worry?”
“True.” Shinkai is not thinking about this topic of conversation. Instead he’s
thinking about the arch of Arakita’s eyebrows and the flop of his hair and most
of all, his mouth. And quite suddenly Shinkai is tired of just thinking about
it. Somewhere in the back of his mind he makes a decision, and leans forward,
eyes closing as he presses his mouth to Arakita’s.
Shinkai’s heart leaps when Arakita doesn’t immediately pull away. Instead
Shinkai gets to feel the warmth of Arakita’s lips and the humid heat of his
breath for several seconds before Arakita makes a surprised noise and the
pressure of his mouth is gone.
“Shinkai, what--?” Arakita sits up, his legs curling into himself defensively.
“Yasutomo,” Shinkai starts, but couldn’t think of how to keep going. ‘I like
you’ seemed too trite and middle school-ish somehow. “Wait,” he says when
Arakita moves to stand. He reaches out to grasp at Arakita’s arm, and Arakita
lets him. They stay like that, Shinkai noticing the warmth of the muscle
underneath his fingertips and Arakita’s eyes flashing with indecision, before
Arakita eventually shakes him off.
“I have to go,” Arakita says, none of the usual steel in his voice. Shinkai
watches as he crams his homework and math textbook in his backpack, all the
while avoiding Shinkai’s eyes.
Shinkai swallows, a sick feeling seeping through his limbs. “Did you hate
that?”
“What? No, I--” Arakita rakes a hand through his hair, still looking anywhere
but at Shinkai. “That’s just not--me. Not us.”
“It could be us,” Shinkai says, but Arakita doesn’t seem to hear him. Instead
he’s grabbing his backpack and heading for the door, and before Shinkai can ask
him to stay he’s already gone.
***
The incident leaves Shinkai feeling like something has broken off, jagged and
sharp, in the middle of his chest. He stays in his room and thinks about
texting Arakita--an apology, or an inquiry as to why Arakita left in such a
hurry--but he doesn’t really feel like he did anything to apologize for, and
Arakita’s behavior didn’t leave him wondering. He half-heartedly tries to get
back to his homework, but he can’t concentrate, distracted by the frustratingly
short memory of Arakita’s lips on his own.
Arakita had kissed back. Briefly, but it had happened. Shinkai can’t help but
cling to that knowledge, despite the fact that Arakita had ultimately pulled
away. Arakita hadn’t been repulsed by him, hadn’t yelled or reacted in typical
Arakita fashion the way Shinkai had feared. He hadn’t even said that he’d hated
it. Instead he’d just left, leaving Shinkai frustrated and confused.
Shinkai knows that continuing to hope is probably fruitless, but he can’t quash
it. He goes outside to feed Usakichi and spends more time than usual sitting on
the grass, running his hand over the rabbit’s ears. The kissing incident hasn’t
changed the way he feels about Arakita. What had happened between them tonight
was disheartening, but he doesn’t think it wholly torpedoed his chances.
Arakita is the type to complain loudly and drag his feet the entire time he
goes down a path, and resistance doesn’t mean he can never be won over.
Usakichi nudges at his hand, his whiskers wiggling. Shinkai picks him up and
holds him in his lap, taking comfort in the rabbit’s presence. Truthfully, all
this mental justification he’s doing doesn’t matter; he knows he is going to
keep pursuing Arakita regardless of whether or not it’s the wisest thing to do
for his heart. Shinkai doesn’t give up easily--it’s one of the reasons he makes
a good cyclist. And he’s not ready to give up on Arakita.
The next day in class, Arakita seems even more snappish than usual, glaring at
anyone who so much glances at him and biting the heads off anyone who dares to
speak. Shinkai steers clear of him during classes, keeping a watchful eye on
him but maintaining his distance. Twice, Arakita looks up when Shinkai’s
watching him, and their eyes meet, and Arakita looks away with a flinch.
Shinkai doesn’t know what that means.
After their classes let out, he catches up with Arakita on the way to practice.
“Hey, Yasutomo,” he says, keeping his voice light and casual, but Arakita jumps
as if he’d been tasered.
“What?! What do you want,” Arakita stammers out. Shinkai frowns a little. It’s
not his intention to freak Arakita out. He just wants to cross this distance
between them. He just wants… he just wants, a shapeless yearning that he knows
only Arakita can fulfill.
Shinkai hesitates, but then decides to just come out with it. “I wanted to
check with you about last night.”
Arakita stiffens, the tension in his body reminding Shinkai of Usakichi when
he’s sensed something potentially dangerous. “What about last night?”
Shinkai badly wants to reach out to touch Arakita’s shoulder, to give him some
reminder that Shinkai is not something he has to be afraid of. Instead he keeps
his hands to himself. “When I kissed you and you left.”
“Oh! That.” Arakita barks out a high-pitched laugh, sounding on the edge of
hysterical. “I’m fine. It’s fine.”
“You don’t seem fine,” Shinkai says. He knows Arakita, knows the way he uses
bluster as a flimsy wall in front of himself, and knows that if you keep
pressing, that wall comes tumbling down. “You seem… high-strung.”
“Fuck you! What would you know about it?” Arakita is still avoiding his eyes,
and it hasn’t escaped Shinkai’s attention that Arakita hasn’t told him that he
didn’t want to be kissed. He hasn’t told Shinkai to never do it again, which
would be the simplest, most straight-forward thing to do if he really had hated
it.
Risking an action that could potentially scare Arakita off, Shinkai put a hand
on his shoulder. “Are you angry with me?”
Arakita finally meets his eyes, just for a second before his gaze flicks away
again. The corner of his mouth pulls to the side in a jagged snarl. “No, not
angry. I just think we should forget it, okay? Pretend like it never happened.”
“I don’t want to forget it.” Shinkai swallows. He suspects it’s futile to keep
arguing like this, but he can’t help how much he likes Arakita, and it makes
him persistent. He tries to mentally prepare himself for Arakita to say the
worst, to tell him that it doesn’t matter what Shinkai wants, because Arakita
for sure doesn’t want him back.
“You--” Arakita seems to be at a loss for words, his mouth working and his
cheeks growing pinker. Eventually he ducks his head and takes a step back from
Shinkai. “I need to get to practice,” he says, the words coming out in a rush.
He pushes past Shinkai, hurrying to get to the locker room and change, and
Shinkai lets him put distance between them.
Toudou and Manami are also heading to the practice room, and Shinkai lingers
behind them, letting his head tilt back to stare up at the clouds. Arakita had
told him to forget it in no uncertain terms; he could search and search for
double meanings in Arakita’s words, but the rejection is clear.
Shinkai feels his disappointment settle like a rock in the pit of his stomach.
So he gave it his best effort and Arakita still doesn’t want him. Fine. Fuck
it. Maybe as quickly as this crush came over him, he can get it out of his
system. He hurries to the locker room, desperate to work out his frustration on
his bike.
Juichi directs them out onto the track, with the exception of Izumida and
Manami who will be training indoors today. Shinkai forgets about setting a
sensible pace, forgets about staying in a group with his teammates, and instead
just lets himself fly. It eases the pain in his chest to go as fast as he
possibly can, to stand up on the pedals and accelerate until he’s aware of
nothing but the wind whipping by his cheeks. He can also hear Juichi shouting
at him to stay with the group, but fuck that; he just wants to sprint today.
He hears the swish of another set of wheels--someone coming up behind him.
Shinkai doesn’t ease up on his excruciating pace to allow them to catch up. He
can hear them working for it, and he recognizes the snarl in those heaving
breaths: it’s Arakita.
“Slow the fuck down, idiot!” Arakita says, his voice straining from the effort
of matching Shinkai’s pace. “Juichi wants us practicing as a pack today.”
Shinkai almost wants to tell Arakita to fuck off, but instead he lets the
insane speed of his bike be his answer, shifting gears and accelerating even
more. He hears Arakita let out a frustrated scream behind him and can’t resist
a smug smile. He knows it’s difficult for anyone, even the ace assist, to keep
up with him when he’s going all out.
“Idiot! What’s gotten into you? Why won’t you just fucking slow down?” Arakita
yells, and this time Shinkai glances over his shoulder to look at him.
“What do you care?” he asks, and it’s an interesting question: if Juichi is so
concerned about them riding as a pack, then why isn’t he the one chewing
Shinkai out instead of Arakita?
Arakita is red in the face, sweat streaming down his cheeks as he bares his
teeth at Shinkai. “Because I didn’t want to let you get ahead!” he snaps. “And
because--because this isn’t like you! What’s going through your head right now?
Why did you pull away from the rest of us?”
Shinkai feels a flare of anger at Arakita’s words, because seriously? What does
Arakita think is going through his head? Never one to hold back, he says,
“What’s going through my head? You rejected me, Yasutomo. I don’t exactly want
to spend time with the group right now.”
“I--” Arakita is at a loss for words, the movement of his body stilling.
Shinkai takes advantage of his shock to push ahead, opening up a distance
between them of several yards. This gets a shriek of frustration from Arakita,
and Shinkai can hear him huffing to catch up.
“I didn’t reject you!” Arakita says, the exertion turning his voice into
practically a scream. “I just--fuck! I told you I just wanted to forget it ever
happened! That’s not the same thing!”
“That’s exactly the same thing!” Shinkai calls over his shoulder. He doesn’t
slacken his pace at all, pushing himself until his lungs burn and his legs
throb.
“Well why do you care so much?” Arakita is closing the gap already, stubbornly
refusing to let Shinkai go on ahead. “Why did you even kiss me in the first
place? Why me?”
Shinkai hadn’t been expecting that. His pace slows a fraction and Arakita
catches up to him fully, their front wheels even. If Shinkai were to turn his
face, he could meet Arakita’s eyes. “That’s a stupid question. I kissed you
because I like you.”
“Well that’s a stupid answer!” Shinkai risks a glance sideways and sees Arakita
glaring at him, frustrated and confused. “Why the fuck do you like me then?”
Shinkai feels highly uncomfortable with any possible response he could give.
He’s been perfectly up-front with his feelings so far, but somehow going into
the details of his crush feels like too much. “I just do,” he says, and laughs
when Arakita snarls in frustration. “I’m not going to go into the details if
you’re still not willing to give me a chance.”
“What if I was going to give you a chance?” When Shinkai gives him a sharp
look, Arakita continues, flustered. “I mean, I don’t fucking know! This is all
sudden, that kiss last night came from out of nowhere!”
Shinkai shakes his head. Arakita is bewildering, and as much as Shinkai doesn’t
want to give up, he’s losing patience. “Do you want to forget it even happened,
or not?”
“I’m not sure! I don’t know!”
“You should figure that out,” Shinkai says. This time, when he accelerates he
leaves Arakita behind completely.
After practice, Arakita doesn’t attempt to talk to him again, instead
disappearing after the showers to who-knows-where. Shinkai goes to dinner with
Juichi and Toudou. He’s not very hungry, and mostly just pushes food around on
his plate while the others talk.
It had felt satisfying to tell Arakita that he wouldn’t wait around for him to
make up his mind, but Shinkai is afraid that he may have scared Arakita away
when it had sounded like Arakita was maybe--just maybe--beginning to come
around. Besides, the truth is that Shinkai will probably wait however long
Arakita makes him. He’s too far gone.
“Hello? Anyone home?”
Shinkai comes back to the present moment to find Toudou poking at his shoulder.
“Shinkai! Where’d you go just now?”
Shinkai shrugged. “Nowhere. What’s up?”
Toudou huffs at him, and gestures with his chopsticks. “As I was saying, I’m
having a party this weekend. Are you coming?”
Shinkai shrugs. He can’t imagine being in the mood for a party by the weekend,
but it will make Toudou sad if he says no. “Sure.”
“Great! I’m sure a party will fix whatever’s been wrong with you lately,”
Toudou says, beaming at him.
Shinkai blinks. “What do you mean?”
“At practice today, how you just flew off in a huff, leaving the rest of us
behind,” Toudou says, giving him an irritated glare. “Or how you’ve just been
sitting there like a sad lump instead of eating your dinner. The Inter-High is
so close, you have to keep up your calories!”
Shinkai dutifully takes a bite of his rice and fish. “I’m fine.”
Juichi says nothing, but he’s looking at Shinkai like he agrees with Toudou.
After they’ve finished their dinner, Juichi follows him to his room.
“You’re not yourself,” he says when Shinkai pauses at the door to his room,
shooting Juichi a questioning look.
Shinkai sighs. “I’m fine, Juichi. Or--I will be.”
Juichi reaches out to put a hand on Shinkai’s shoulder. “What is it?”
Shinkai hesitates. He would normally be private about who he is or isn’t
interested in, but Juichi has known Arakita for longer than Shinkai has. Maybe
he could have some kind of insight into the matter.
“Here, come in,” he says, inviting Juichi into his room. Juichi sits on the
chair at Shinkai’s desk, and Shinkai sits on the bed. Juichi doesn’t say
anything to rush Shinkai into speaking, just sits back and looks at him,
waiting.
Shinkai runs a hand through his hair. “I kissed Arakita,” he says, because
there’s no point in beating around the bush.
Juichi makes a small, surprised noise, but doesn’t say anything, and when
Shinkai looks up at him there’s no judgment on his face.
“Arakita… hasn’t taken it well,” Shinkai continues. “He left my room in a hurry
afterward, and today he told me to to forget it had ever happened. But then--”
here Shinkai pauses, not sure how to characterize the conflicting messages he’d
received from Arakita. “During practice, he told me that he wasn’t rejecting
me. That he wasn’t sure.” Shinkai flexes his fingers, stretching his arms out
in front of him. “It’s very confusing.”
If Juichi is uncomfortable hearing about two of his teammates kissing, he
doesn’t show it. He crosses his arms over his chest and grunts, looking down at
the carpet of Shinkai’s dorm room.
“Arakita doesn’t always know himself,” Juichi says eventually. “He will swear
to you that he feels one thing, while doing another.”
Shinkai nods. “He told me to forget about the kiss, but then chased me down
during practice today.”
“Right. It sounds like he is… conflicted. Like he hasn’t decided one way or the
other how he feels.”
Shinkai rubs at his bicep, feeling abashed now when he recalls his earlier,
brash words. “I told him he needed to figure it out.”
“You don’t have to wait for him to do that. I’m sure there are others who feel
less conflicted on the subject of kissing you.”
“I don’t want anyone else, though, is the problem.” Shinkai gives Juichi a
slight smile. “I’ll wait however long it takes.”
Juichi nods. “In that case, I would say to give him space. Arakita usually
comes to the correct conclusion when he’s left to think it through on his own.”
Shinkai doesn’t know that being with him is the “correct” conclusion in this
case, though he hopes it is.
He takes Juichi’s advice and leaves Arakita alone over the next couple of days.
Occasionally during the classes they share, he looks up to find Arakita staring
at him, but Arakita always looks quickly away before Shinkai can discern the
expression on his face. During their practices, Arakita makes no more moves to
chase Shinkai down when he takes off sprinting.
That weekend, Toudou’s party gets thrown at his parents’ house, a thirty-minute
bike ride from the school. Shinkai bikes over with Juichi, and when they arrive
they find Arakita already there, having taken his scooter. Which means that
Arakita is already a couple of drinks ahead of him.
There are plenty of other people at the party--the entire cycling team, several
of their classmates, and a few girls that Shinkai recognizes from Toudou’s
fanclub. There are even a couple of members of the Sohoku team there, Makishima
looking uncomfortable and shy next to Tadokoro, who is helping himself to the
party snacks.
“Took you two idiots long enough,” Arakita says when Shinkai and Juichi walk
into the kitchen, where the keg is. He’s leaning back with one elbow on the
kitchen counter, with his hip jutted out to the side. It makes his torso into
one long, skinny curve, and Shinkai looks away.
Juichi gets his beer quickly and then leaves for the living room, leaving
Shinkai and Arakita alone in the room together. Shinkai takes long pulls of his
beer, nervous at the sudden arrangement, and it starts getting him buzzed a
little too quickly.
“Were you lying when you said you were nervous about the Inter-high?” Arakita
asks him abruptly. When Shinkai just blinks at him, Arakita adds, “The other
day, when I asked why you were staring into space. Right before you--you know.”
Right before Shinkai had kissed him. There’s no point in lying about it now.
“Yes, I was,” he said. “I’m not really nervous.”
It doesn’t seem like that big of a lie to Shinkai, but Arakita scowls and looks
away. “Then you’re an idiot. It’s going to be the hardest three days of our
lives.”
Shinkai shrugs. He honestly hasn’t thought about it much. Cycling doesn’t stay
on his mind when he’s not competing, and he’s not the type to worry too much
about competition on the horizon. He’s looking forward to it, actually.
Arakita makes a ‘tsk’ing sound at him. He scowls down at the kitchen floor and,
belatedly, Shinkai realizes that this was Arakita’s attempt at making
conversation around the elephant in the room. Shinkai opens his mouth to say
something about the Inter-High, he has no idea what, but in one smooth movement
Arakita pushes himself off of the counter and strides out of the kitchen,
without a glance back.
Shinkai curses quietly to himself. Now he’s the only one in the kitchen, and he
feels like an idiot. He drains his beer and goes to fill up the cup again,
figuring that if this party is going to be awkward as hell then he might as
well get drunk.
While he’s filling his cup, Tadokoro comes into the room. Shinkai gives him a
smile and a finger-bang salute, and Tadokoro laughs.
“Know where I can find more of these?” he asks, holding up a rice ball before
popping it into his mouth.
“Try the fridge,” Shinkai says. When Tadokoro goes over to open the fridge and
leans over, peering in, Shinkai checks out his ass unabashedly. It’s a nice
ass. By all metrics, much nicer than Arakita’s.
“Nothing,” Tadokoro says before opening up the freezer to check there. "A-ha!"
He pulls out a tray of mochi, holding them out to Shinkai with a flourish. “Try
one.”
Shinkai smiles at him and picks out a mochi bl, swallowing it down. “These
aren’t my favorites,” he says, pushing past Tadokoro to get to the kitchen
counter next to the fridge. He pulls the foil off a warm tray of pork gyoza.
“These are my favorites.”
Tadokoro’s laughter booms across the kitchen. “All right! Good eye.”
They fall on the tray together, demolishing it in a manner of minutes. Shinkai
washes each bite down with another long slug of his beer, getting progressively
tipsier. Once they’ve finished the tray, they exit the kitchen and head into
the living room, sticking together by mutual silent agreement. Out of the
corner of his eye, Shinkai can see Toudou and Makishima talking, their heads
close together; he figures that Tadokoro doesn’t want to be that third wheel.
As for Shinkai, he appreciates the chance to get to know Tadokoro better. He’s
always been impressed with him as a sprinter, and he’s seemed like a cool guy.
And he has a great ass.
They spend most of the party on the couch together, with Shinkai making
frequent trips to the kitchen to refill his beer cup. He doesn’t see Arakita
anywhere, and he’d be lying to himself if he tried to claim he wasn’t looking.
Talking to Tadokoro--or Jin, as Shinkai is starting to think of him--is nice,
though. They compare the training regimens of Sohoku and Hakone and bond over
the particular needs of sprinters. It’s kind of refreshing to talk to someone
outside his own small Hakogaku circle.
Shinkai doesn’t even really notice he’s flirting, at first--he’s had several
drinks by this point, and it just feels natural to start laughing at Tadokoro’s
jokes more loudly and punctuate his sentences with small touches to Tadokoro’s
forearm, stretched out along the back of the couch. But he does notice that
Tadokoro seems to react favorably, his fingers brushing the back of Shinkai’s
neck once or twice, tangling in his hair.
Shinkai gives it some serious consideration. People hook up at parties. How
long has it been since the last time he got laid, or even so much as made out
with someone? It’s been a long time since he even looked at anyone but Arakita
that way, which makes him wonder if he’s subconsciously had feelings for
Arakita for a lot longer than he first thought.
But every time he tries to picture kissing Tadokoro, Arakita’s face swims into
his vision instead. Shinkai doesn’t feel like it would be fair to Tadokoro to
get with him, even if it was just casual, when he’s so completely distracted by
someone else.
So when Makishima comes to collect Tadokoro at the end of the night, Shinkai
gives him a hug but then quickly steps back, out of Tadokoro’s personal space.
Over Tadokoro’s shoulder, he spies Arakita, who is looking right at them.
“I’ll see you at the Inter-high,” Tadokoro says, giving Shinkai a wink. Shinkai
smiles back, but he’s already focused on Arakita.
No sooner have Makishima and Tadokoro left than Arakita is right there,
grabbing Shinkai by the collar and dragging him bodily out of the living room.
Shinkai goes with it, stumbling a little because he’s fucking drunk and Arakita
is pulling at him hard.
Arakita drags him into one of the guest bedrooms, where the partiers’ coats and
purses have been stashed, and closes the door behind them. The second Shinkai
realizes they’re alone, he feels his heart rate quicken.
“What is it?” he asks, or starts to ask, as Arakita is now all up in his face,
talking over him.
“Why didn’t you go home with him?” Arakita says. “He wanted you to! You seemed
like you wanted to, too! What’s the deal?”
Shinkai pulls away from Arakita’s wrath, walking backward until his back hits
the wall. “I--” he stops, licking his lips. His vision is swimming just
slightly, and he can’t tell anything but the naked truth. “Because you’re the
one I really want to go home with.”
Arakita makes a small noise of surprise at that, his chest rising and falling
as he takes in ragged breaths. His hands reach up to finger at Shinkai’s
collar, yanking the fabric down slightly. “But why me? Why not him instead? Why
me.”
Since Arakita seems to want an answer to that question so desperately, Shinkai
can comply. He takes Arakita’s hands and removes them from his shirt, then
holding Arakita’s hands in his. “Because you act all angry, but secretly you’re
kind. Because I’ve seen how hard you’ve worked to become the cyclist you are.
Because you’re cute.” He squeezes Arakita’s fingers. “I don’t know, Yasutomo. I
can’t explain it fully. I just like you.”
Arakita looks away, but he doesn’t pull his hands back. “Well, it doesn’t make
sense. You should be with someone who’s not such an asshole all the time.
Someone better than me.”
Something clicks in Shinkai’s mind, and his eyes widen. “Wait--is that the
reason you’ve been so conflicted over this? Because you think you don’t deserve
it?”
Now Arakita does pull his hands back, snarling. “Shut up! You wouldn’t
understand, you’re so--” he gestures to Shinkai’s body and Shinkai blinks down
at himself, not sure what Arakita is getting at. “When you kissed me, I thought
it was some joke you were playing on me at first! And I still don’t think it
makes any fucking sense. You could have anyone.”
Shinkai’s not so sure about that, but even drunk he’s figured out that
Arakita’s reluctance doesn’t mean he doesn’t want Shinkai. That’s all he needs.
He surges forward, kissing Arakita when Arakita is still mid-sentence.
It’s a sloppy, drunk kiss, but it’s unmistakable this time that Arakita kisses
back. Shinkai curls his hand around the back of Arakita’s neck and pulls him in
close, and Arakita’s hands curl into fists in the front of Shinkai’s t-shirt.
Arakita is the first one to open his mouth, deepening the kiss, and Shinkai
thinks that it’s better now than it would have been even if Arakita had kissed
him back that first time.
Arakita shoves him back until Shinkai’s back hits the wall again, and kisses
him more forcefully this time. There’s tongue and teeth and Shinkai is so, so
into it. Arakita makes a hissing sound, probably because Shinkai has reached
down to cup Arakita’s hardening cock through his pants. Some part of Shinkai is
aware that he’s moving faster than he would if he weren’t drunk, but Arakita
doesn’t protest, instead pushing his hips against Shinkai’s hand and grinding
into him.
Arakita also doesn’t protest when Shinkai moves away from his mouth to kiss his
way down Arakita’s neck, sucking on the soft skin beneath his earlobe and
biting a little bit. Now Arakita is panting harshly into his ear, and Shinkai
shivers when he feels Arakita’s tongue flick over the shell of his ear. Arakita
moves his hand from Shinkai’s shirt up into his hair, and Shinkai moans at how
good that feels.
“Fuck--Shinkai--” Arakita says. Shinkai is rubbing at him forcefully now, the
heel of his hand moving up and down the outline of Arakita’s shaft. “I want--
this is--not enough.”
Shinkai agrees; he wants more, he wants to get their clothes off. He starts
nudging Arakita backwards toward the bed, but just then there’s a loud knock on
the door, followed immediately by the door opening to Toudou’s pissed off face.
Arakita springs back off of Shinkai like he’s been burned. “What do you want?”
he yells, as if it’s not Toudou’s house they’re commandeering a room in. As if
Toudou isn’t interrupting them just as they were about to have sex on his guest
bed.
“What do I want? What do I want?” Toudou draws himself up, the picture of
indignation, and before he can start yelling Shinkai grabs Arakita’s hand and
lunges past Toudou.
“We were just leaving,” he says over his shoulder as he drags Arakita out into
the hallway and out of the house.
Once outside, Shinkai is a little at a loss for what to do. He sways, and
Arakita yanks his hand out of Shinkai’s grip.
“Now what?” Arakita says, glaring at him. “Was your plan to just leave me like
this?”
“No,” Shinkai says. “I was thinking we could go back to the dorms. Where
there’s privacy.”
“Privacy.” Even in the poor light afforded by the porchlight, Shinkai can tell
that Arakita’s blushing. But still, he nods. “All right. We’re taking my
scooter, though. I don’t want to get to the dorms twenty minutes ahead of your
slow ass.”
Shinkai wants to protest at being called slow, but he’s already following
Arakita to where the scooter is parked. “What about my bike?”
“You can come get it in the morning. Besides, you’re too drunk right now, I’d
worry about you getting yourself killed.”
“That’s thoughtful of you,” Shinkai says, and just smiles when Arakita glares
at him. “But what about you? Are you sober enough to drive this thing?”
“Please, I haven’t had a drink in two hours! Unlike you,” Arakita says. They’ve
reached the scooter now, and Arakita hands him the helmet. Shinkai takes it
agreeably and sits down behind Arakita, scooting himself as close to Arakita’s
back as he can.
“I’m a little nervous,” Shinkai murmurs into Arakita’s ear. “I’ve never been on
one of these things before.”
“Just hold tight then, you’ll be fine.” Arakita doesn’t protest when Shinkai
wraps his arms completely around Arakita’s stomach instead of just holding onto
his hips.
It’s nice, riding behind Arakita. Shinkai leans into him on every turn, and
presses the flat of his palm against Arakita’s lower abdomen. Arakita grumbles
at this, complaining that Shinkai can’t get too nasty because he has to drive
this thing and not crash it.
They get to the dorms faster than they would have if Shinkai had taken his
bike, and Shinkai is grateful for this. Without needing to discuss it, they
head to Shinkai’s room--it’s closest, and besides, it just seems right to head
back to the same place where Shinkai had initially kissed him.
Arakita kisses him with urgency the second Shinkai has the door closed behind
them. Shinkai can faintly taste the beer on his breath, and he smells faintly
of cigarette smoke--from the party, Shinkai guesses. He must have been hanging
out on the patio with the smokers. Arakita’s hands are pushing up beneath
Shinkai’s t-shirt, his short fingernails raking up Shinkai’s ribs. Shinkai
breaks the kiss to pull his shirt off his head and meets Arakita’s eyes after
Arakita follows suit with his own shirt.
They stay paused like that for a few moments, breathing heavily and staring at
each other. It lasts long enough that Shinkai starts to wonder if Arakita’s
having second thoughts, but then Shinkai feels Arakita’s fingers hook into his
belt loops, pulling him in by the hips. Their mouths meet again messily,
Arakita’s teeth scraping over Shinkai’s bottom lip, and Shinkai can feel
Arakita’s erection pressing against his own. Arakita reaches a hand down to
touch him, and even through the thick fabric of Shinkai’s jeans it sends a hot
spark up his spine.
Shinkai groans. He reaches for the fly of Arakita’s jeans, fumbling it open and
shoving Arakita’s pants down. He smiles at the sight of Arakita’s naked cock
and reaches forward to stroke it. It feels so soft and hot in his palm, and
god, Shinkai wants--he wants so much.
Arakita makes a breathy, high-pitched noise as Shinkai strokes him, and when
Shinkai leans forward to kiss Arakita’s neck again, Arakita stutters out
Shinkai’s name. “Sh-Shinkai, I want--can you--?”
“I’ll do anything,” Shinkai says immediately, biting softly on the skin just
above Arakita’s collarbone. “Anything you want.”
“I want you to fuck me,” Arakita says in one long breath, and the words send a
jolt straight to Shinkai’s cock. “I’ve been thinking about it, it’s all I’ve
been able to think about since you kissed me--ah, fuck, please--”
Part of Shinkai wants to tell Arakita that he’s ridiculous for being so
resistant to Shinkai’s advances when all along he was thinking about Shinkai
fucking him. But no, fuck it, that’s not important anymore--all that matters to
him now are the sounds Arakita is making and the way his hips snap against
Shinkai’s hand.
“Well?” Arakita says, his voice slightly strangled, and Shinkai realizes that
he neglected to actually answer Arakita’s question.
“Yeah,” Shinkai says, breathing his answer against Arakita’s neck. “Yeah, I’ll
fuck you.”
“Fuck,” Arakita says. “Fuck, that’s good, I--fuck--”
Shinkai quickens the pace of his hand, figuring that the cursing might be a
sign that Arakita’s close. He pauses to spit in his hand for some lubricant and
then goes back to touching Arakita, stroking him hard and fast. Arakita’s hips
are pumping unevenly now, and each breath he takes is a harsh cry against
Shinkai’s ear.
Inspired, Shinkai takes his hand away momentarily and gets to his knees. “What
are you--? Oh,” Arakita says, and gives him a long, moaning cry when Shinkai
licks a stripe up his cock.
“Fuck, you asshole,” Arakita says, his voice a long moan. Shinkai thinks that
Arakita is the only person he knows who’d be compelled to call someone an
asshole for sucking his cock.
Shinkai takes Arakita’s cock into his mouth, rolling his tongue over the head
before bobbing down to take most of the shaft in his mouth. Each buck of
Arakita’s hips pushes his cock further down Shinkai’s throat, and just when
Shinkai can’t take it anymore, Arakita’s hands fist themselves in Shinkai’s
hair, pulling him urgently off.
Shinkai looks up as Arakita comes, and gets a splash of it on his chin. The
rest lands on his chest.
Arakita braces himself on the wall with one hand, the other still stroking
himself through the last of his orgasm. “Oh, fuck,” he wheezes, and Shinkai
reaches up to stroke a hand down Arakita’s thigh.
“You all right?” he asks, because from where he’s kneeling, Arakita looks kind
of wrecked.
“Fuck you,” Arakita says. He holds out a hand and Shinkai takes it, lets
himself be pulled up.
“Sorry for the, uh,” Arakita says, gesturing to Shinkai’s chin. Shinkai shrugs
and wipes his face with the back of his hand.
“It’s fine.” He grabs one of his dirty t-shirts from the floor and uses it to
clean himself up. He pauses when he sees Arakita, who is now leaning against
the wall and watching him, breathing hard.
“Um, do you still want me to, you know…?” Shinkai says, feeling suddenly shy.
Arakita snorts. “Yes, I still want you to fuck me.” He steps out of his jeans,
which had been still around his ankles, and stalks over to Shinkai’s bed, lying
back on his stomach and looking over his shoulder expectantly at Shinkai.
Shinkai laughs. “Just checking.” He comes over to sit next to Arakita, reaching
down beneath the bed to grab the tube of slick he uses when touching himself.
His erection had lagged a little while he was sucking Arakita off, and he
strokes himself now, getting himself hard again.
Beside him, Arakita scoffs. “Let me, idiot.” And Shinkai feels Arakita’s hand
covering his own, pushily getting his own fingers out of the way so that
Arakita can wrap a hand around Shinkai’s cock and stroke.
While Arakita strokes him, Shinkai pours some of the slick on his fingers and
reaches over Arakita’s back to touch his hole, pressing the tip of one finger
inside him. It’s awkward, with Arakita sprawled mostly in his lap and Shinkai
having to arch and twist his back to be able to finger him, but they make it
work.
When Shinkai works his finger inside Arakita up to the first knuckle, Arakita
hisses, but when Shinkai pauses his hand Arakita snaps, "don't stop!" So
Shinkai presses his finger further in, working it in and out of Arakita's body.
Arakita's hand on Shinkai's dick is sloppy, as he occasionally pauses to arch
himself back onto Shinkai's finger, but it's doing the trick: Shinkai is hard
again.
He pulls his hand back to add more lube, wanting to be careful with Arakita.
Arakita groans when he feels Shinkai's hand go away. "Will you get on with it?
I want you inside me."
Shinkai shakes his head. Even drunk, this is something he takes seriously.
"It's better to go slow. I don't want to hurt you." He returns his hand to
Arakita's ass, carefully pressing his first two fingers into Arakita's hole.
Arakita gives him a sharp inhalation of breath and turns his face into
Shinkai's collarbone.
"Fine," Arakita says, before biting down on Shinkai's skin. It's not a little
love bite by any means--he bites like he's trying to break the skin, and it
hurts. Shinkai arches into him, the bright spot of pain emphasizing how good
Arakita's hand feels on his cock in contrast. He pushes his second finger in
father, working Arakita open, and Arakita pushes his ass back against Shinkai's
hand.
"Do you think you're ready?" Shinkai asks, pressing a kiss to the nape of
Arakita's neck, which is right under his nose.
"Yes, fuck yes." Arakita's voice is a strained whine as he lets go of Shinkai's
cock, and he gasps when Shinkai pulls his fingers out. They maneuver until
Arakita is on all fours with Shinkai kneeling behind him, his hands on
Arakita's hips.
Shinkai licks his lips. It wasn't conceivable to him when he woke up this
morning that Arakita would be with him tonight, ready to do this. Still kind of
drunk, everything felt surreal to him, from the darkness in the room to the
pale shape of Arakita's ass and thighs in front of him.
Shinkai gropes behind him, his hand landing on something soft. "Here, do you
want a pillow?"
"You're so ridiculous," Arakita scoffs, but takes the pillow when Shinkai hands
it to him. He rests his cheek on it and Shinkai can feel him looking back.
"Well? What the fuck are you waiting for?"
Shinkai smiles, and his hand moves from Arakita's hip to cup his balls. He
brushes lightly against Arakita's dick, which is not so soft anymore. "You're
impatient."
"No fucking shit," Arakita says, and Shinkai knows him well enough to tell that
he's covering for nervousness. He bends down to kiss the back of Arakita's
neck, nuzzling his nose in Arakita's hair.
"You're sure you want me to?"
Arakita's back had been a solid line of tension, but he relaxes somewhat with
Shinkai leaning over him. "Yes," he says after taking in a deep, shuddery
breath. "I'm sure."
"Okay." Shinkai kisses his neck again before sitting up and aligning their hips
together. He finds Arakita's hole with his fingers and slowly pushes himself
in.
Even with the stretching he'd done with his fingers, it's an incredibly tight
fit. Shinkai is worried that he's hurting Arakita, because it feels like he's
pushing into a muscle with no give to it at all, but then the tip of his cock
gets past the initial tight ring and he's in.
"Fuck, that hurts," Arakita says, his hand curled into a fist on the pillow.
Shinkai freezes.
"Should I stop?"
"No! No, it hurts in a good way," Arakita says. "Keep going."
"All right." Shinkai pushes his cock in further. Arakita is tight and hot
around him, and Shinkai groans aloud when he's finally all the way inside
Arakita. He looks down to see the length of his cock immersed in Arakita, and
it's so hot that Shinkai has to grip Arakita's hips to remain upright and even
slightly composed.
Arakita doesn't protest when Shinkai begins moving his hips, fucking him
slowly. Shinkai is trying so hard to be careful, to be considerate, but it's
hard not to lose control when Arakita feels so damn good. His hips snap and he
starts going harder, his hands in a white-knuckled grip on Arakita's sides.
"Yes," Arakita pants, his hips pushing back in time with Shinkai's thrusts.
"Fuck--Shinkai--"
"Yasutomo--" Shinkai's voice breaks as he begins to lose it. He's not going to
last long. He yanks Arakita back against him, feeling his cock drive deep
inside Arakita's body. Arakita cries out and Shinkai thinks it's in pleasure,
not pain, but it's hard to tell. He's moving fast now, each deep thrust
bringing him closer to orgasm.
"You--fucking--idiot," Arakita gasps out between thrusts. "I hate you--so
fucking much--"
It tips Shinkai over the top and he comes, thrusting into Arakita's ass with a
loud moan, his vision going white. His grip on Arakita stays tight until the
orgasm has finished and he can see again.
He pulls out slowly, his cock extra sensitive after his orgasm. Then he
collapses on the bed next to Arakita, his cheek resting on the pillow beside
Arakita's clenched fist.
"You don't hate me," Shinkai says, reaching up to take Arakita's hand.
Arakita grunts into the pillow. He looks wrecked, and Shinkai marvels at the
fact that he was the one to put this well-fucked look on Arakita's face. "It
was just something I said in the moment."
That makes Shinkai laugh. It’s strange that he finds it romantic, that Arakita
would yell about how much he hated him as they were fucking, but with Arakita
it’s often necessary to take his words at something other than face value.
Arakita narrows his eyes at Shinkai when he laughs, and then rolls over on his
back. Shinkai glances down and sees that Arakita has gotten hard again. Arakita
reaches down to touch himself at the same time that Shinkai does, and he covers
Arakita’s hand with his own. They stroke Arakita’s cock together, Arakita’s
knuckles fitting into Shinkai’s fingers. It’s not possible to touch him with
any finesse like this; instead, each stroke is rough, their hands squeezing his
cock together.
“I’m close,” Arakita pants, turning his head to the side and looking Shinkai in
the eye. “I just need--a little bit more--”
True to his word, it only takes a few more strokes before Arakita comes with a
short grunt, spilling over both of their hands. Shinkai watches Arakita’s face
while he comes, watches the way Arakita’s eyes screw shut and his mouth falls
open. He’s vulnerable like this in a way that he’s never let Shinkai see
before, and Shinkai files the image away in his brain for safekeeping.
Afterward, Arakita lets Shinkai curl up against him. Shinkai is half-expecting
Arakita to complain about cuddling and leave, but instead he drapes an arm
loosely around Shinkai’s shoulders and stills.
The way they’ve ended up on the bed is backward, with both of their feet
resting on the pillow where Shinkai usually sleeps and their heads down at the
foot of the bed. Shinkai doesn’t mind, and he doesn’t want to move. He’d be
content to fall asleep like this, backward on the bed with Arakita beside him.
“Your room is a mess,” Arakita says, out of nowhere. Shinkai looks up and
around him. It doesn’t seem that bad--there are a few power bar wrappers on the
ground, but nothing horrible.
“It’s not that bad,” he says.
Arakita makes a noise deep in his throat, but doesn’t press the issue. “And
we’re in your bed backwards. Or do you usually sleep with your head down here?”
“Do you want to move?”
Arakita shifts his hips around, but then settles. “No, this is fine.” But he
only stays quiet for a few seconds before he’s bursting out again. “Why did
Toudou invite members of Sohoku to his party anyway? Doesn’t he realize we’re
competing against them in two weeks?”
“Yasutomo.” Shinkai laughs, propping himself up on an elbow to look down at
Arakita. “Are you uncomfortable?”
“What? No, why?”
“Because you won’t shut up. Are you not tired?” Shinkai is exhausted. Between
the sex and the booze he feels like he could fall asleep within minutes.
Arakita frowns up at him. “No, I’m tired. It’s just--doesn’t this feel strange
to you? Lying here without our clothes on, all sticky?”
Shinkai is a little disappointed, but he does his best not to show it. “You can
leave, if you want. I won’t be offended.”
“I didn’t say I wanted to leave.” Arakita huffs, and Shinkai lies back down.
It’s not long before Arakita is speaking again, turning on his side so that
they’re face-to-face.
“Don’t you wonder where this leaves us?”
Shinkai reaches up to curl his fingers into Arakita’s hair, smiling although he
knows Arakita can’t see it in the dark. “We’re friends and teammates. And more,
if you want.”
Arakita was silent for a long time, long enough that Shinkai started to drift
off to sleep, before he said softly, “I do. Want that.”
“Then you have it,” Shinkai murmured. He leaned forward to press a quick kiss
to Arakita’s lips, then turned over so that his back was to Arakita. Arakita’s
arms came around him to pull him in close, and then he was still. Shinkai went
to sleep with the sound of Arakita’s breaths in his ear, low and finally calm.
End Notes
     I'm zeegoesthere on Tumblr and I am ALWAYS happy to discuss Shinara.
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