Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1793692.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      Gen, M/M
  Fandom:
      Kingdom_Hearts
  Relationship:
      Axel/Roxas, Non-con_Roxas/Secret_Character
  Character:
      Axel_(Kingdom_Hearts), Roxas_(Kingdom_Hearts), Others_-_Secret_as_not_to
      spoil_plot
  Additional Tags:
      Rape_Recovery, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional_Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Slash,
      Friends_to_Lovers, Caretaking, injuries, Kidnapping, Falling_In_Love,
      Sexual_Assault, Physical_Abuse, Depression, Dark, Triggers, AkuRoku_-
      Freeform, Developing_Relationship, Kissing
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-06-16 Updated: 2015-06-20 Chapters: 10/? Words: 20289
****** Capture ******
by Cumberbatch_Critter_(ivelostmyspectacles)
Summary
     One mistake. That was all it took for Roxas's light to be snuffed
     into darkness. Now Axel has to help him pick up the pieces,
     desperately wanting to help his best friend. But between that and
     grappling with feelings he never knew he had... can he help put Roxas
     back together or will he be the one who crumbles him beyond repair?
     Read the warnings and the tags! This is not fluffy and friendly.
Notes
     Again - read the tags. If you've read the tags and stuck around, you
     know what you're in for. There's plenty of triggers here, so please
     don't read if it's going to bother you.
***** Breaking *****
Chapter Summary
     * I know he's called Leon in KH, but I like his name as Squall
     better. It just seems like what Cloud would call him.
     Is it an intriguing idea? I thought it was and couldn't find exactly
     what I was looking for, so I started writing it for myself and
     decided to post it to see if anybody else would be interested in the
     journey the boys are in for.
     I do not own Kingdom Hearts/Final Fantasy. They're owned by Disney
     and Square Enix.
     Thanks for reading and drop a kudos or comment if you have a moment!
Axel couldn't sleep.
He wasn't sure why, but... there was something. Something turning around in his
mind. He couldn't escape it. He thought it might have something to do with the
fact that Roxas hadn't come to the clock tower after work today. Axel had
bought the ice cream but Roxas had never showed. And he hadn't been back when
Axel had gotten back, either; he'd gone to his room to check, but he hadn't
RTC'ed.
Axel hadn't checked later, but Roxas hadn't come by his room with an excuse or
apology, either. Weird. They didn't always meet up, but Roxas had said he was
looking forward to it today.
Axel yawned and rolled over, wrapping his arms around his head.
He had to get some sleep. He had missions to do tomorrow.
===============================================================================
                                        
One week.
It wasn't a long time, so why did it feel like forever?
Roxas hadn't checked back in in seven days. He hadn't been back, going by the
state of his room. Saïx had brought it up solely for the fact that their heart
collection was faltering. He assigned Axel to tracking him down... not that
Axel needed someone to tell him to do that.
"Something just doesn't feel right," Axel muttered, clenching his fingers into
fists at his side. Leather stretched tight against his knuckles. "Where are
you... Roxas?"
He sighed and unclenched his fingers, striding across the plaza. Blonde hair
not unlike Roxas's, spiky and flaxen, fell into his line of sight. There was
another guy next to him, one with dark hair, and both were huddled over
something and talking. It wasn't Roxas, but it might be a start.
Axel strode over. "Hey. Have you guys seen a blonde kid around here?" he asked
plainitively. "He's about this height and his hair's spiky, blue eyes that
almost drown you?" He realized just how pathetic it was that he didn't have any
other way to describe Roxas besides that. "He was probably wearing a coat like
mine."
The blonde and the brunette shared a glance with each other.
Axel raised his eyebrows.
"We saw someone with a black coat with Sephiroth," the blonde one with the red
cape-coat said.
Axel perked up. "You did? Was he short and had a giant key with him?"
The brunette stood up. "I'm not sure if he had a key or how tall he was. Do you
know Sephiroth?"
"Squall," the blonde muttered.
"If his friend's with Sephiroth, no matter to the extent, someone, somewhere,
including this man, is missing him," the brunette, Squall?, said.
"Why?" Axel interrupted. "Who's Sephiroth?"
"He's bad news," the blonde said, standing. "We saw your friend with Sephiroth,
but I find it hard to believe that he went willingly."
"Cloud and I were just discussing it. We caught a glimpse of him heading that
way, he had a figure in a black coat in his arms. I'm fairly sure that he
wasn't conscious."
If he had a heart to actually feel his pulse pick up, his heartrate probably
would have picked up and thus, his heart would have probably exploded from his
chest. Still, he didn't have a heart. Instead, his palms just started to sweat
a bit under the layers of leather piled on.
"Why would Sephiroth want someone from Org- I mean, why would he want Roxas?"
he asked, flexing his fingers.
"We don't know," Squall said. "It's strange."
"Usually, he's after me," Cloud said flatly.
"That's why we were discussing it," Squall continued. "If he's with Sephiroth,
it usually means little good."
"Okay. Where can I find this Sephiroth guy?" Axel asked.
"He is dangerous."
"Well, yeah, I got that," Axel replied. "But my friend's with him. If he's
dangerous, someone has to go after him. Danger just happens to be my middle
name, so, where can I find him?"
Squall and Cloud shared a glance again. Squall shrugged.
"Squall. You know how Sephiroth is," Cloud said. He looked at Axel. "He will
kill you."
Axel faked a grin. "Well, aren't you confident."
"I know him," Cloud said bluntly.
"Right," Axel said, looking at Squall. "Where can I find him?"
Squall looked at him, eyes keen and searching for... whatever, for a moment. He
sighed. "I can tell you where to find him, but I don't think you'll want to."
"I have to," Axel said simply.
Squall laughed after a moment. "You remind me of him," he said, jerking his
thumb towards Cloud. "Alright, listen up."
===============================================================================
                                        
He didn't know who those guys were, Squall and Cloud, but apparently they had
some beef with this Sephiroth guy, too. They had settled upon a joint effort;
because they thought that Axel had a snowball's chance in hell against
Sephiroth (and he would have been offended if he wasn't thinking about Roxas
and why he was with that guy), they were luring him out with Cloud, and Axel
was infiltrating his keep.
Not what he had planned on doing today, but he was tired of not having Roxas
around.
Sephiroth turned out to be a really huge guy with silver hair, one black wing
and a really huge, deadly-looking sword. Okay. Maybe he didn't really want to
fight him today. He hated fighting flyers, anyway. They didn't fight fair and
this guy looked like no exception.
Axel slowly let himself in after Sephiroth had taken off like a shot from a
gun. Whatever Cloud and Squall were doing, they must have been doing something
to draw his attention elsewhere. Axel didn't care what they were doing, really.
They seemed like they could handle themselves. Big swords and scars and all.
They had experience.
He hoped.
"Roxas?" he called softly, flicking his gaze around for a light. According to
Cloud, Sephiroth worked alone. Axel wasn't worried about anybody being here
that would try to stop him. And the sooner he got out of here, the better.
Room by room, he picked his way through. No sign of Roxas. Maybe they had been
talking about someone else... but how many other black-coated figures wandered
around?
"Well..." He rubbed the back of his neck. "What now?"
Footsteps snapped his attention back up and he whirled around.
Sephiroth didn't make that much noise.
Axel darted across the room, getting to the door just as a little figure in a
black coat ran through the door. "Roxas!" He grabbed his shoulder to stop him.
Roxas screamed.
Axel jumped, his fingers faltering against Roxas's shoulder enough that the
blonde slipped away from him. He had never heard that noise come out of Roxas's
mouth. Ever.
"Ro... Roxas!" Axel shook away the surprise and darted after him. "Roxas! It's
me! Roxas!" He caught up with him easily, grabbing his sleeve.
"S-Stop!" Roxas jerked on his sleeve, staggering a few steps without looking
back. "P-P-Please, just l-let me g-go! I swear I won't say anything, I w-won't-
!"
Axel frowned. "Roxas, stop! Roxas!" He grabbed his shoulders, dragging him into
the circle of his arms. "Stop it. Stop. It's me! Axel."
Roxas struggled against his arms for a few seconds before it seemed like all
the fight just went out of him. Axel had to tighten his grip so Roxas didn't
collapse.
"Roxas. Roxas?"
Roxas buried his face against Axel's chest and broke down sobbing. It was
equally if not more disturbing than the scream.
They weren't supposed to have the capacity to cry.
"Calm down, Roxas," he muttered, kneading his fingers into the small of his
back. "Come on. Calm down."
His mind was saying You found Roxas. Get out. Get out now, before that silver-
haired bastard comes back, but his body wasn't moving. Instead, he was picking
up on little things that he hadn't in his mad dash to grab Roxas.
He gently looped his fingers around Roxas's arm, raising it to eye level. There
was a circular pattern of black blue, purple, and yellow ringed around his
wrist. Axel frowned and released his hand, reaching for the other one. The same
marking pattern... like he'd been tied up. Cuffed. Axel leaned away slightly,
reaching for Roxas's chin to tilt his head up, but the blonde jerked away from
the touch like he'd been shocked, cowering as if he expected punishment for it.
There was a dark bruise mottling below his eye and a half-healed gash on his
cheek.
"Roxas..."
Axel narrowed his eyes, tucking Roxas back against his chest. "What the hell
did that bastard do to you...?" he muttered, holding Roxas's trembling body
protectively against his own.
 
***** Helping *****
Chapter Summary
     TLC and aftermath begins.
Back in the light of the Castle that Never Was, Axel realized how utterly
horrible Roxas looked. He was pale, he had bruises, dried-on blood, covered in
dirt. The only thing he was wearing was the coat. No pants, no shoes.
Axel's mind was a litany of curse words as he gently sat Roxas down on the bed.
The blonde had passed out somewhere between leaving Hollow Bastion and getting
back to the Castle. It didn't look good. Actually, it looked pretty fucking bad
and Axel couldn't answer Saïx's questions about what had kept Roxas right now
because he didn't know and he wasn't sure he wanted to.
Praying that Roxas didn't wake up in the middle of this and think he was
Sephiroth or anyone else, Axel gently unzipped Roxas's coat and worked it off
of him. He was trying not to notice the black and blue splotches across the
pale skin and was Roxas always that thin? No, of course not. Stupid. He knew
that. Shit.
Okay. Whatever he was going to do... he was notgoing to get angry. He didn't
have the heart to feel anger, so he wasn't going to feel it. But then... why
was his blood boiling?
He'd think about it later. He stood up and threw Roxas's coat onto the chair,
making a mental note to get him a new one by the time he went back out on
missions because this one was a mess. He didn't think Roxas would be back on
missions anytime soon.
Standing, he went into the bathroom and dug around for a wash cloth and then
grabbed the soap.
He was forming pictures in his head. It didn't really require too much
imagination. Roxas was the only one who could really tell him what happened,
but he wasn't in any sort of place to do that right now. But these pictures...
piecing together what had happened...
Axel clenched his hand into a fist, trying to shake off the tremors. He didn't
know why he was shaking, but it made trying to scrub the blood away from
Roxas's skin more difficult than it was meant to be.
The point was that he had found Roxas. The collateral damage was something that
they were going to have to deal with. Roxas was with him now, safe. Sephiroth
couldn't get here. Honestly, Axel didn't know how Roxas had gotten to Hollow
Bastion, anyway. He didn't even know that he knew how to get there in the first
place. Or maybe Sephiroth had found him in another world...
Axel didn't notice that Roxas was waking up until Roxas sat up and scrambled
back. He didn't scream, but his eyes were blown wide with fear.
"Roxas. Roxas," Axel stressed, holding his hands up. "Roxas. It's me. Axel.
Remember? I'm not going to hurt you. Okay?"
Roxas just continued to stare at him with that fearful, yet strangely vacant
look in his blue eyes. He didn't say a word, but he was trembling so hard that
the bed was vibrating.
"Roxas. Roxie." Axel narrowed his eyes slightly. He didn't... deal with things
like this. He dealt with Heartless, he dealt with traitors. He didn't... deal
with people who were ready to break apart and he certainly didn't do that with
people that he... cared about. "I'm just cleaning you up a bit, alright? I
promise I'm not doing anything else. I swear. Okay?"
Roxas just stared at him without moving.
"Roxas?"
He still didn't get a response, so he slowly went back to gently scrubbing at
the dried blood, keeping his gaze locked on Roxas's. He kept his movements
purposefully defined. Roxas looked ready to bolt at the smallest twitch.
By the time he had finished cleaning him up, Roxas had stopped trembling so
much. It was more erratic now, a rough shudder every few minutes or so. Working
through it. Right.
"Come on, Roxas," Axel mumbled. "Come back to me."
Roxas didn't say anything, of course, and Axel sighed. It reminded him of the
first week in the Organization, only ten times worse.
"Alright. You... You wanna sleep?" he asked, looking back at the blonde. "Or I
can get you something to eat, you're probably starving. So... what do you want
to do?"
Roxas stared at him blankly before slowly turning away, shuffling down under
the blankets. Axel noticed the wince but opted not to say anything, helping to
fix the blankets around Roxas's shoulders. He also didn't say anything about
Roxas sleeping in his bed. He'd sleep on the couch in the Grey Area. Or better
yet, not sleep at all.
"Get some sleep," he mumbled, thumbing Roxas's hair away from his face.
Roxas just flinched in response.
Axel sighed heavily and moved away, pressing his fingers against his eyes. He
had to report to Saïx... He wasn't sparing any details right now, though. Roxas
was back. That's all Saïx needed to know. Axel would figure the rest out and
deal with it... help with it, if Roxas let him.
===============================================================================
                                        
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!" Axel grabbed Roxas's arms, mindful of the bruises
and painfully aware that someone had probably done this to Roxas within the
past week. But Roxas was going to hurt himself if he just let him thrash
around. "Calm down! Roxas! You're dreaming! Wake up!"
"Get off of me!" Roxas yowled, lashing out wildly.
Axel was blankly aware of pain a second later, Roxas getting a good jab in and
tearing his nails down Axel's neck. He felt blood well up from the scratches
but snapped his hand forward, grabbing both of Roxas's arms and pinning them
down to the bed.
"Look at me!" he ordered, trying to get through to him while simultaneously
trying not to be a trigger for anything. "Come on, Roxas! Please!"
Something changed in Roxas's face. The fight went out of him again, although
his eyes locked onto Axel's differently than they had last night when he'd
found him.
"... Axel...?"
Axel sighed, a rush of tension gushing out with the exhale. "You got me?"
Roxas stared up at him, eyes flicking across Axel's face. And then his eyes
filled with tears and he lunged forward, throwing his arms around Axel's neck.
Axel nearly fell backwards from the sudden weight but he locked his arms tight
around Roxas's body and held him close. "It's okay..." he murmured into blonde
hair. "It'll be okay..."
"I-I-I-" Roxas stammered.
"No, no, no, shh..." Axel muttered. "You don't have to explain anything. This
is not your fault," he murmured, rubbing his back slowly. "We should have come
looking earlier. I should have come looking earlier. You're safe now."
"I..." Roxas sniffed roughly, after he had stopped crying so hard. "I... I
don't know w-what happened... I-I... was fighting him at the Coliseum... and I
don't r-remember what ha-happened afterwards... and then I w-woke up, and I c-
couldn't move b-because of my wr-wrists an-and a-ankles a-and..."
"Roxas. Take a breath," Axel muttered.
Roxas sucked in a deep breath and pressed closer to Axel's chest. "H-How long
have I been g-gone...?"
"'bout a week," Axel said quietly.
Roxas sighed. "Feels longer."
"Yeah... sorry about that."
Roxas tucked his head under Axel's chin, exhaling heavily.
Axel shifted to find a more comfortable position. It wasn't until his hand hit
the small of Roxas's back that the blonde flinched violently. "Sorry," Axel
repeated, moving his hands. "Sorry."
Roxas squirmed slightly, pulling away. His gaze was averted again and he didn't
look back to meet his eyes.
"You're alright now," Axel said. "Do you... er, want breakfast or something?"
he asked, toying with his hair. "I can find something for you. Or maybe get a
bath?"
Roxas nodded slowly. "... Bath," he mumbled. "Then food..." He shifted, the
blankets falling down the rest of the way. It was like he only then just
noticed he was naked and his face turned a mottled twist of embarrassed and
frightened.
"Oh, right... Um." Axel glanced around. "Here, just put my coat on," he said,
grabbing it from the chair. "And I'll help you to the bath and then go get you
some clothes from your room..." He handed his coat over. "You need help?"
"I'll manage..." Roxas mumbled, taking it from him.
"'kay," Axel said, turning away to find a different change of clothes for
himself. He'd been sitting next to Roxas all night. He'd forgotten to have a
shower, too. It... wasn't too high on his list of priorities right now.
He heard Roxas get to his feet and glanced back reflexively. All too well, it
seemed like, because Roxas swayed and Axel lunged forward to steady him.
"Steady there," he murmured, letting go as soon as Roxas was steady. "Can you
walk?"
Roxas nodded, took another step, and very nearly collapsed again.
"Maybe not," Axel muttered.
Roxas swallowed. "... It hurts," he said weakly.
No. He was not going to get angry. He was not going to want to bring down the
wrath of a thousand dancing flames upon Sephiroth. Or whoever else was involved
in this, if anyone. He was not. He did not have a heart. He did not have
emotions. He could not feel anger.
But he did.
Emotional transference, his ass. Maybe it wasn't the heart that created
emotions, because he knew he didn't have one but he felt anger. And sadness.
Both.
"I know, Rox," he muttered. "I can carry you, if you're okay with that. A hot
bath should help."
Roxas was still before nodding slowly. "I... I don't want t... to see anybody.
I mean..."
Axel narrowed his eyes slightly. That was... not a good thing. That was
something that they were going to have deal with, too. He understood, well, he
definitely didn't understand but he thought he got the basics of why Roxas
didn't want to have to face anybody, but... he shouldn't have to feel that way.
None of this should have happened in the first place.
He stepped forward. "I'll try to avoid anybody. Pretend you're asleep if not.
I'm going to put my arm behind your legs and back, okay?"
Roxas nodded mutely.
Axel nodded, too, and stepped forward, slowly and carefully hauling his
shattered best friend into his arms. It wasn't as though they would be able to
smooth over all of the cracks throughout Roxas now, but, between the both of
them, Axel helped that they could at least put him back together again.
 
***** Questions *****
Chapter Notes
     Warning: Flashbacks to the assault in this chapter.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
"Did I do that?" Roxas asked as Axel dabbed at the scratches on his neck with
some rubbing alcohol.
Axel grunted. "Don't worry about it. It's not even bad enough to warrant a
Cure."
Roxas sighed, but fell silent.
Axel pressed the cotton ball to the lip of the alcohol, pouring it onto the
cotton. He pressed it against the scratches again before switching out to
water, rinsing the wound out before searching out some gauze and tape for
dressing it after he got his own bath. He grabbed his toothbrush and gave his
teeth a thorough brushing, cinnamon tingling his gums and tongue before he
rinsed and spit.
His own reflection in the mirror was... kind of pathetic. He was pale, the
fingernail marks on his neck a startling red against his skin. There were
smudges under his eyes from lack of sleep and his hair was a tangled mess
falling in loose drapes around his face. He shook it away irritably, trying to
card his fingers through it to push it back until he could get around to it
later.
"... It shouldn't bother me so much, should it?" Roxas mumbled.
Axel glanced over his shoulder, re-averting his gaze when he remembered that
Roxas was naked in the bath. "What shouldn't?"
Roxas didn't answer, but the gentle lapping of water in the bath meant he was
shifting around slightly.
"Roxas?" Axel prodded, wanting to look back at him but not even wanting to
toethe line of personal boundaries right now.
"That... what happened," Roxas mumbled. His voice was so quiet that Axel nearly
missed it.
"What?" This time, he did turn around, meeting Roxas's gaze. "Of course it
should, Roxas. He took advantage of you! He have every damn right to be upset
about it."
Roxas blinked, almost seeming taken aback by his strong response. (Axel was a
little bit surprised himself, to be honest.) But then his shoulders slumped and
he shifted again, wincing as he tried to get comfortable. "... But we don't
have hearts... it shouldn't..."
"That doesn't matter," Axel muttered. "It still happened, it shouldn't have. It
bothers me, let alone you."
Roxas looked up at him for a moment before his face crumpled. "I didn't even
know what he was doing at first," he mumbled, looking down at the water. "I've
never really... I mean..." His voice was edging towards tearful. "And then it
hurt so bad and... he said he'd h-hurt me if I screamed and... and..."
"Stop," Axel interrupted.
He would be lying if he said he was telling Roxas to stop talking just so he
wouldn't get worked up about it again. He was half telling him to stop talking
because Axel wasn't sure he could handle hearing about it. But hearing about it
was a lot less formidable than experiencing it, so that made it selfish if it
was for his own benefit, but...
It made him feel like his body was on fire.
It was a scary feeling, even being a flurry of flames.
Especially Roxas. Why Roxas? Roxas was a virgin in everysense of the word. He
was a virgin to the worldand now... all of that had been taken away, in an
instant.
To be fair, if it had been Demyx or Saïx, Axel probably would have felt the
same way, too. They were all brothers in arms and Saïx had even been an
important friend in a past life, but... Roxas had made him feel again. And now
he was making him feel sick, without even trying. Not that it was his fault. It
was Sephiroth's. It was all Sephiroth's.
"Stop reliving it," Axel continued quietly. "You don't have to tell me. You
don't have to tell anybody, if you don't want to."
"... And if I want to?" Roxas asked weakly. "Because I... don't... I mean..."
he trailed off.
Axel forced a weak smile. "Then, I'll listen. I'll share the burden if you want
me to. But... just... let your mind rest, man," he murmured, looking away. "For
a day or two..."
Roxas nodded tiredly. "Okay..."
Axel sighed. "Are you ready to get out?"
Roxas leaned his head back against the bath. "... I can't wash my hair..."
Axel glanced up. "... Did you want me to wash it for you?" he asked slowly.
"... It's alright," Roxas mumbled.
Axel hummed, striding over to the bath. "If you want me to, it's fine. You'll
have to turn this way a bit, though."
Roxas was quiet before shifting around slowly, leaning his back against the
side of the tub that Axel was next to. Axel took that as an affirmative,
reaching for the shampoo.
"Wash cloth," he murmured, squirting shampoo into his palms.
Roxas silently handed it back.
===============================================================================
                                        
"Look, it's not a big deal where he was," Axel said stubbornly, leaning back
against the headboard of his bed. He'd gotten Roxas back into his own bedroom
because Saïx was demanding that Axel return to his missions, and the blonde was
sleeping right now. Axel had been having some time to himself to think, at
least... until Saïx had shown up.
"I'm simply asking for the reason that he was away. If neither of you wish to
tell me, I'll be asking for the reason in his mission report," Saïx said.
Axel's gaze hardened. "Leave him alone. He's back now, that's what's
important."
"What is it that you're not telling me?"
"Nothing." Axel turned away. "Is there anything else you want, my dear gracious
host?" he asked dryly, pulling at a loose thread on the blanket.
"Lea."
Axel blew out a breath, nostrils flaring. "It's Axel now." He swung his legs
off the bed and stood up.
"Where are you going?"
"... Out," Axel muttered, striding out into the hall.
He didn't care if Saïx knew where he was going. It didn't matter to him. He
wasn't going back on what he'd told Saïx: it wasn't a big deal... at least, not
to his prying nose. It was a huge deal to Roxas, but it wasn't Axel's secret to
tell to begin with. He was pretty sure Roxas wouldn't be telling him, either.
Secrets to keep.
Instead of going straight to Roxas's room, though, Axel stopped by the kitchens
for something to eat and to pick up some ice. Some of the bruises Roxas had
were... painful looking.
With a sigh, he headed back to Roxas's room.
===============================================================================
                                        
"If you make a move, I'll kill you. If you scream, I'll gag you again. Do you
understand, Blondie?"
Roxas nodded slowly.
He didn't know what he was doing here or how he had gotten here, but he
couldn't move his hands or feet and the silver-haired man towering over him had
lashed out at him once, hitting him across the face so hard that Roxas saw
stars. And when he had tried to struggle, the pain had intensified and the man
had hit him again and that time, Roxas really had passed out.
He had come to only minutes ago because he was aware of movement, over his
body, something that wasn't really right. He hadn't been sure what, but when he
had opened his eyes, he found the silver-haired man taking his coat off.
"If you struggle, I'll pin you back with this." And then the silver-haired man
showed him a sword that was longer than he was tall and Roxas blanched, throat
tightening up, the surface of his eyes starting to itch and sting and he
squeezed them closed tightly.
"The sooner you accept this, the better. I have no time for mincing actions."
The silver-haired man pulled his coat off and Roxas shivered when the cold air
in the building hit his exposed torso.
"What are you-" Roxas started.
The strike to the face brought both unfamiliarity and a rush of pain. His head
snapped to the side, body jerking against the chains holding him down. His eyes
stung again and this time, water dripped down from them. Roxas slammed them
shut again, biting into his lip until he could taste his own blood to stop it
from trembling.
"Shut up."
Roxas swallowed, not turning his head back until he felt fingers against the
zipper of his pants. His eyes flew open again.
A dozen different fragments of 'basic knowledge' taught to him the first couple
of weeks back in the Organization (and re-taught and re-taught, mostly by Axel,
with exaggerated patience) filtered through his mind, mostly about regions
below the waist and what they were used for.
Like sex.
Fingers gripped around his crotch and Roxas gasped, flinching in response as he
expected something to happen, something to hit him, something to hurt.
"Still a virgin?" The silver-haired man's tone was contemplative, but not with
a shred of care.
Roxas squirmed against the chains, squirming back, trying to escape as his
pants fell to the ground and cold air assailed his body.
"That makes it more interesting."
And then silver-haired man's body was pressed flush against his, his clothes
rubbing against Roxas's exposed skin. Lips crushed down upon his and Roxas
scrabbled to get away again, trying to jamb his lips together against the warm
tongue invading his mouth, trying to force back the instinct to bite because
that would probably end with his head getting lobbed off. Hands trailed down
his skins, tickling and twisting against his skin.
Roxas swallowed. It felt like there was a lump stuck in his throat. He couldn't
breathe. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't move. He couldn't fight.
Fingers curled around his briefs before they were roughly pushed down. There
was a pause and silver-haired man left Roxas's mouth, moved away, and then
there were hands on his behind and then pressure and then pain so intense that
Roxas had blackness that exploded across his vision.
He didn't realize he was screaming until the man slammed his hand over his
face, a large, sweaty hand covering Roxas's nose and mouth.
Roxas struggled again, with renewed force, because now his legs were weak and
his body radiated pain and he really couldn'tbreathethis time, couldn't
breathe, couldn't see-
"Roxas!" Axel made a grab for Roxas's struggling limbs. "Roxas!"
He didn't know what he was dreaming about - okay, he knew - but he needed to
wake up right now.
"Wake up! Wake up, Roxas! Rox-"
Roxas woke up with a shrill yelp, jerking away so fast that he ended up
toppling right off the bed before Axel could so much as blink. He yelped again
as he hit the floor before going silent.
Axel groaned and crawled off of the bed, going around to the other side.
"Roxas?"
Roxas had curled his arms around his knees and buried his face against them.
His entire body was trembling again.
"Roxie." Axel crouched down. He didn't dare touch him, not right now. "You're
safe. You're in your bedroom. It was just a dream."
Roxas didn't respond, so Axel simply stayed where he was, making sure that
there was enough distance between them, murmuring that everything was okay
right now, that no one was going to hurt him, until Roxas finally raised his
head after a few, long minutes of silence.
"Axel... what's wrong with me...?" Roxas asked weakly. His eyes were gleaming
with tears again.
"Nothing," Axel said, holding out his hand. "Nothing is wrong with you."
Roxas swallowed, curling his fingers around Axel's. "... Then why did this
happen...?"
Axel squeezed Roxas's fingers. He didn't have any other idea how to bridge the
distance between them right now. "People are bad, Rox." All he could do was be
there, right? He wasn't really versed on how to deal with... emotions. Things
they weren't supposed to feel.
Roxas sighed heavily.
"... You wanna get back in bed?" Axel asked shortly.
Roxas nodded despondently, allowing Axel to help him to his feet again.
 
Chapter End Notes
     I do not own Kingdom Heartsbecause it belongs to Disney and Square
     Enix.
     Thanks for reading and leave a comment or kudos if you're enjoying
     it!
***** Gratitude *****
Chapter Summary
     Axel's out of character, but neither of them's complaining.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
"He said I liked it..." Roxas mumbled, sipping at his orange juice.
Axel glanced up, leaning more comfortably back against the wall next to Roxas's
bed. "What?"
"That g-guy..."
Axel sobered up immediately. "Sephiroth? He said you liked what he was doing?"
Roxas nodded slightly. "Because I... um..." He shifted. His face was going red.
Axel closed his eyes briefly. Right. Because Roxas got a boner during the whole
thing. And, of course, Roxas hadn't been taught about gay sex, because, well...
what was the point? They weren't supposed to ‘love’, anyway, so why did he need
to know in depth on the different types of sex? So, there were things that had
been stimulated that caused Roxas to react that Roxas didn't know about, and if
Sephiroth had told him it was because he liked it it some fucked up, depraved
way...
"That's not what that means, Rox," he said. "Listen... I never quizzed you on
it because it wasn't too much of a big deal, but... sex with another guy is
like that. Well... mostly. You know how I told you how it works with women?"
Roxas nodded shortly.
"Well, we obviously don't have the same parts for penetration. So, guys have
to... yeah, anal sex." He blew out a breath. "But when there's..." How did he
explain this without saying things that probably would make Roxas zone back to
the past week? When someone sticks their cock up your ass, they're probably
going to hit your prostate and it's going to make you hard, regardless of
situation. That's what he would have said, but it seemed crude now. "There's
certain... sweet spots. And, even if you don't like what's happening, if those
spots are stimulated... your body is going to react. So, you don't have to like
it just because you got hard."
Roxas shrank a bit, but nodded again. "Yeah. I mean... I hated it, but..." He
shifted. "I still..."
"Got hard. Yeah."
Roxas shifted again.
Axel raised his eyebrows. "Rox?"
"I mean... it wasn't just... that," Roxas muttered.
"You want to explain?"
Roxas's face went impossibly more red. He shook his head slightly.
"Okay..." Axel said slowly. "Should I drop it, then?"
Roxas shook his head slightly. "I... I did get... an erection," he mumbled,
"and then... I-I... I..." He waved his hand vaguely in the direction of his
crotch.
Axel blinked slowly. "Came?"
Roxas winced, which Axel took that he'd hit the nail on the head. He nodded.
"Ah." Axel stopped. "Wait, Rox, was that..." he trailed off, pausing to
swallow. "Was that your... first orgasm?"
Axel didn't think it was possible for Roxas to turn more red, but, somehow, he
managed. He was, literally, beet red by now.
"Hey, don't be embarrassed. We're both guys." He reached for the bag of chips
on the floor, holding them up to Roxas. He had to dispel the tension. He wasn't
really good at doing that, though. "I know all about it. Remember? I taught you
everything you didn't know."
"I know," Roxas mumbled, grabbing a handful of chips. "It's just... different."
"I know," Axel said, grabbing some chips too. "I know it is, but listen:
anything he said to you, or did to you, or if your body reacted in ways that
you think might mean something's wrong with you... no. Don't let him get into
your head."
Roxas stared at the chips in his hands. "I just... didn't know what it all...
felt like and now..." he trailed off.
"And now he ruined it for you in every way possible," Axel filled in before
sighing. "You've no idea how much that pisses me off," he muttered.
"Why?"
He looked back at Roxas. "Why? You're my friend, Roxas. My best friend. I care
about you. Hell, I'm not even supposed to be able to care about anything, but I
do. And the fact that something like this happened while you're under the
Organization's wing, while you're under my wing? You have no idea how much I
want to kill the bastard who did this." His fingers flexed into a fist and he
punched the floor, not realizing that the dull thud and the pain was of his own
doing until afterwards.
He sucked in a deep breath and let it out. He hadn't known how much he wanted
to kill the bastard. He was trying pretty hard to keep that part of him tucked
away because he could not do that right now. He could not go after Sephiroth
right now. Roxas was the priority right now. Roxas was more important right
now.
He'd beat the living shit out of Sephiroth if he saw him again, though. He
wasn't getting away from this. He had probably expected to kill Roxas or subdue
him into a fuck-toy that bent to beck and call, control him so he wouldn't tell
or get away, but, no. Axel had Roxas back, and someday, soon, he'd go back for
Sephiroth, too.
He already had blood on his hands, anyway. He was the 'assassin', after all.
And anybody who did what Sephiroth had done wasn't even human to begin with.
"Axel..."
Axel raised his head again, looking up at Roxas. "Hm?"
Roxas smiled tiredly. "Thanks... for finding me and... helping and...
things..."
Axel didn't smile back, even though he knew he should have. "Don't thank me. I
should have been there sooner." He rubbed the back of his neck, sitting up
straight again. "But the point here is: there is nothing the matter with you,
Roxas. What he did was fucked up beyond belief and he violated you in ways that
you weren't even aware of. Your body isn't used to that type of behaviour and
it took it the wrong way. You did not enjoy it. You're upset about it. Clearly,
you didn't enjoy it. You are not in the wrong."
He got to his feet.
"Now, do you need anything else? Are you due for more pain killers yet? Or do
you just want to go back to sleep?"
Roxas shook his head. "No... I'm alright for now," he murmured. "Thanks," he
repeated.
Axel did smile this time, however thin it might be. "Good. Just try to relax."
Roxas nodded, munching on a chip.
"You're strong, kid," Axel muttered, leaning over to press his lips against the
top of Roxas's head. "You're something."
It wasn't until he'd walked over the window to stare towards Kingdom Hearts
with little regard to hearts and how he shouldn't feel that he realized what
he'd done.
He brought his hand up to his mouth, fingers landing lightly over his lips.
He'd kissed him. On the top of the head, but still...
That was... strange.
He shook the thought away and silently thanked no one in particular that Roxas
hadn't freaked out when he'd done that.
Roxas didn't say anything and Axel didn't turn back around.
===============================================================================
                                        
"Hey!" Axel jerked up, scrambling off the bed. "Saïx!"
Sometimes, the blue-haired bastard really got on his nerves. How did they ever
used to be friends when Saïx was such an asshole?
Although, Saïx hadn't really become an asshole until he became Saïx.
Axel didn't think he'd changed that much since he'd been Lea, but it was
probably better not to think about the old days anymore.
"Saïx, leave him alone," he said, falling into step next to him in the hallway.
"Seriously."
"I've given you both ample chances to explain," Saïx said calmly.
"What is it about him that you have to stick your nose into? Xaldin goes out
and doesn't come back for five days and you don't even put priority on the
mission to go find him, but now you're pushing into Roxas's room because we
won't tell you where he's been? What are you up to?"
"I just need to ascertain his whereabouts the past week, and what he was doing
there."
"He was in Radiant Garden! I told you that," Axel protested.
"He hasn't been taught of Radiant Garden. His worlds are restricted to the ones
the Organization has sent him to."
"He didn't go there on purpose."
Saïx looked at him, eyebrows raising. "How did he get there by accident?"
Axel huffed, turning away. He'd already said too much as it was. And,
apparently, not enough all the same.
"Exactly my point," Saïx said. He turned the corner and rapped his knuckles
twice against Roxas's door before entering.
Axel glared at his back and followed, pushing past his shoulder to wiggle
around to the front.
"Ax- oh." Roxas's eyes flickered to Saïx with a hint of the same look he'd had
immediately after being found. He tugged at his blankets, eyes flicking back to
Axel.
"Roxas," Saïx greeted, his eyes taking in the bruises on Roxas's face.
Nostrils flaring in would-be anger, Axel turned solely to Roxas. The blonde
looked up at him and he shook his head, slightly, fingers crawling to the
blankets to pull them up over the bruise on Roxas's shoulder.
"How are you feeling?" Saïx asked.
"U-Um..." Roxas's eyes flickered between Axel, who'd settled back against the
wall, arms crossed, not happy, and Saïx, who was awaiting an answer.
If Saïx wasn't so intimidating, there probably wouldn't be a problem here. But
Axel kind of figured that Sephiroth had a horrible dominancy about him and Saïx
probably was touching on that, just a little bit. And while Saïx wouldn't do
anything like that - and if he tried, Axel would knock him dead, past best
friends or not, no - Roxas's body was probably giving him all sorts of warning
signs.
He wanted to say it was okay, but that would sort have been a dead giveaway
that something had happened. Even if the bruises weren't.
"A-Alright," Roxas stammered, the blankets shuffling as he shifted. "Just...
tired."
"You've got quite the array of battle wounds. What happened while you were
out?"
"Saïx," Axel bristled. "I said-"
"Axel, the time for questions designated towards you has passed," Saïx
interrupted. "I'm asking Roxas."
No, he really didn't know how they had been friends before. He looked at Roxas.
"You don't have to tell him anything," he said lowly, trying communicate
through their locked gaze that, while Saïx was their superior, he didn't have
to tell him what happened. Roxas had been intimidated enough the past week.
Roxas looked away from him slowly and back at Saïx. He licked his lips and
looked down at the blanket. "I just... I ended up in a different world on
accident and-and met a strong Heartless and I... didn't know how to get back,"
he muttered.
"Did you meet anyone while you were there?"
"Yeah," Axel interrupted, injecting sarcasm into his tone, "he went out for a
drink with the locals. Get real. Now that you've seen he corraborates my story,
why don't you leave him alone? Those Heartless that you sent him to fight at
the Coliseum were tough enough, on top of that, getting trapped in a closed
world? I'd be in bed for a few days, too."
"You'd stay in bed even if you hadn't," Saïx said bluntly. He looked back at
Roxas. "You'll report to the Grey Area for your missions again tomorrow. I
needn't say that I don't want another situation like this arising."
"Right..."
Axel huffed after Saïx had left. "Yeah, I definitely get it why you say he's a
jerk." He looked down at Roxas. "I'm sorry. I tried to stop him. He's been
asking questions since I brought you back and he hates that I'm dodging them."
He scratched his head. "Although now you're back on mission duty..." He sighed.
"... I don't really feel like it," Roxas mumbled. "But I guess I... that's what
I'm here for. Heart collection... Missions..."
Axel rubbed his nose. "Well... what if we go together...?" he asked slowly.
"Because... I don't want you out by yourself just yet."
Roxas looked up at him. "... You know... you don't sound like yourself."
Axel paused in rubbing his eyes, peering through his fingers. "... Well... I
want to help. I don't want anything else to happen to you."
Roxas continued to stare up at him for a moment before smiling. Unlike the
previous ones, this one looked completely genuine. "Thanks, Axel."
Axel stopped. He was struck suddenly with being taken aback; how could this kid
smile at him like that after everything he'd been through? He'd just cowered in
the face of the blue-haired jerk - which was totally justifiable, Saïx was
intimidating and cold - but he smiled at Axel like he really meant it.
Axel's face felt warm. He cleared his throat and turned away, looking towards
the window. "Yeah... I'll talk to Saïx about it, but I'll go with you even if
if he says no."
"Can we get ice cream afterwards?" Roxas asked hopefully. He was probably dying
to get back to a routine, their normal one.
Axel nodded. "Yeah. Of course we can."
 
Chapter End Notes
     I do not own Kingdom Hearts. Disney and Square Enix does.
     Drop a kudos or comment! Thanks. :)
***** Promise *****
Chapter Summary
     Roxas has questions.
     Axel tries to have answers, whilst dancing around his own secrets.
Chapter Notes
     Note: Brief flashbacks again in this chapter.
"Are you going to be able to walk?" Axel asked, finishing guiding Roxas's shoes
onto his feet. He gripped the zipper on his coat and gently pulled it up,
getting to his feet. "Alright?"
Roxas nodded. "Yeah... I'll manage. Thanks."
"I still don't think you should be out."
"Can't very well stay in without an excuse," Roxas muttered, getting to his
feet. "And I'm not telling him... He already doesn't like me much as it is."
"He doesn't like much of anybody," Axel said, fixing his coat. "Trust me. I got
an earful when I asked to go with you. He doesn't like not being told the whole
story."
Roxas sighed and shivered, wrapping his arms around himself.
"Are you cold?" Axel asked, knuckling Roxas's forehead. "I hope you're not
getting sick."
Roxas shook his head. "Uh uh..."
"Okay..." Axel dropped his hand. "Should we head out? We're in Agrabah today."
Roxas nodded.
Axel summoned the dark corridor and Roxas trailed after him.
"Axel?"
"Hmm?" He waited on Roxas to fall into step next to him, looking down at the
blonde hair.
"You know how... you said I could... kind of..." He waved his hands slightly.
"You know... Talk... to you about it...?"
Axel's step faltered, but he pushed onwards. His gaze fell to the front,
though, watching the endless expanse of sand in front of them. "Yeah. If you
want to. I'll listen."
"I just... had questions, really."
"Alright. Ask away."
"... Does it always hurt so bad?"
"Well..." Axel trailed off. "I can't feel what you feel right now, so I can't
judge it... Did he..." He cleared his throat. "You don't have to answer any of
this if you don't want to, too. Do you know if he... had any sort of lube?"
"What?"
"Lubrication," Axel clarified, looking back at him. "He probably didn't." He
looked back ahead. "Nevermind. If he had had lube, it would have made for a
slick-" He stopped talking again, trying to find better ways to phrase things.
He was a human teenager with hormones gone the fuck out of control once; he
didn't have a filter anymore, but this was Roxas, and this was assault. "It
would have made it easier," he muttered. "You can use spit and maybe he did, I
don't know, but generally if you have store-bought stuff it goes a lot
smoother..."
"He said he liked it tight."
Axel came to a standstill like he'd hit a brick wall. Interestingly enough, he
saw red, bright red, red enough to be that brick wall as the words jangled
about in his ears.
"Axel?"
Axel forced his feet to unstick from the sand and continued walked. "Sorry.
Did, before he actually started... assaulting you, you know, did you feel any
pain prior? It would have hurt, but not nearly as much as him pushing in..." he
trailed off again. He wasn't even going to entertain the other thought with a
remark right now. He had to move on.
Roxas frowned for a moment before shaking his head. "I... don't think so? It
was just nothing and then all of a sudden, there was so much pain I blacked
out..."
Axel nodded shortly. "Right. He probably didn't prep you, either. Of course he
didn't," he muttered.
"Prep me how?" Roxas asked.
"I'll... explain some other time," Axel muttered. When Roxas wasn't so raw.
"But the point is, yeah, it's always going to hurt because there's a big
difference in size between what's going in where, but there are steps you can
take to lessen the pain... and your first time always hurts the worst if you're
receiving," he muttered.
"Oh." Roxas was quiet for a moment. Axel could practically hear the cogs
turning. "... Do o-orgasms always feel like that...?"
Axel almost felt the ghost of humor at that question... if only it were
different circumstances. He'd actually looked forward to the day where Roxas
came to him all wide-eyed and buzzing after an orgasm, demanding to know what
that was all about because he would figure out masturbation himself, all guys
did, just so he could tease him a little bit. Couldn't do that now, though.
"Better," he admitted, instead. "I know it felt like fire and brimstone, but
when you're with someone you... care for, it's a thousand times better. Trust
me."
Roxas shivered again. "I'm not sure I could handle much more. I couldn't stand
up afterwards... well... asides the chains," he mumbled.
Axel's eyes flickered down to Roxas's covered wrists and then away again. "It's
so much better. I promise. You'll find out one day. When you have a heart."
Roxas just hummed in response, dragging his feet.
Axel suspected that Roxas wouldn't be able to really enjoy an orgasm for a long
time to come. He guessed that Roxas kind of felt that way, too, given his
silence about the matter. One of a thousand things that had been ruined.
===============================================================================
                                        
When Roxas passed out nearly immediately after taking out their target, Axel
had to admit he wasn't really surprised. But instead of lugging Roxas back to
the Castle, he nestled him into his arms and carried him off to the clock
tower. They'd have ice cream when he woke up.
With a sigh, Axel leaned back against the tower, stretching his legs out onto
the ledge. He gently put his hand on Roxas's shoulder, watching the blonde who
was currently sleeping half on his lap.
He wondered if he'd do all of this if it had been anyone else.
===============================================================================
                                        
The slightest twitch of his muscles sent pain shooting into parts of his body
he didn'tknowhe could feel pain from. Staying in one position too long made his
arms go numb or his back start to ache. He felt like his wrists were breaking
against the handcuffs.
Last time he'd been freed, he'd made a grab for his Keyblade and, while the
warehouse doors were locked with some kind of magic that Roxas couldn't dispel
right now, he'd cast a Cure on himself. It took away the injuries. It didn't
take away the pain.
It didn't take away the snaking tendrils of blood crusted around his thighs and
it didn't take away the black eye and it didn't take away how hollow his entire
body felt.
And even when the silver-haired man came back and praised him for being such a
good boy, because he was still naked, he was freezing, and his cock was
standing at attention still, impossibly, somehow, and when he pushed him onto
the dirt-crusted floor and sank onto his cock, Roxas forgot that he evenhadthe
power of the Keyblade because his body just clicked off.
Couldn't fight, couldn't flee. The warm and salty water trailed down his cheeks
from his eyes and the silver-haired man told him not to cry and that was
crying? but Roxas didn't pay attention. He couldn't.
He wanted to be anywhere else.
"You have no reason to cry. You're my little golden goose. Never will you have
to face the outside world again. You'remine, bright eyes."
===============================================================================
                                        
Roxas awoke with a jolt in his arms and Axel jerked in surprise, too,
instinctively tightening his grip around Roxas because they were sitting on the
clock tower. Roxas's entire body stiffened. Axel mentally cursed and removed
his hands, holding them up in a surrendering position. Roxas relaxed, going
limp again, although Axel wasn't really sure if it was because of his action or
not.
"Were you dreaming again...?" Axel asked tentatively, leaning over Roxas a bit.
Roxas's blue eyes stared, dull, straight towards the sky. "... Yeah." He didn't
seem to notice that his head was on Axel's lap.
"Do you want to talk about it...?"
Roxas's gaze didn't waver. "... No."
Axel nodded slightly. "Okay..." He slowly put his hand back on Roxas's
shoulder, pleased when he didn't flinch, and gave what he hoped was a
reassuring squeeze. "Do you want some ice cream...?"
Roxas didn't reply.
"Roxas...?"
"... He'll never leave me alone," Roxas said in a monotone.
Axel looked down at him warily. "Why's that?"
"He said he owns me."
Anger wasn't something he usually felt, given that he couldn't and everything
he did ‘feel’ came from past experiences and the pool of remembered emotions,
but every single time Roxas came out with something that, Axel felt anger like
he had never experienced.
"Now, look." Axel stopped. "No. No, he does not. And if he tries to lay a
finger on you, he'll have to deal with me."
"Right." Roxas's voice was still flat. It was the most unemotional he had heard
Roxas ever talk... which was strange, because Roxas had a knack for talking
like he was a human most of the time.
Before he really knew what he was doing, he dragged Roxas onto his lap and into
his arms, holding him close to his chest. "If this means anything to you: I
promise."
Roxas didn't say anything, although he relaxed slowly against Axel's body.
Axel wasn't sure how long they sat in silence, his hands pressed up against
Roxas's back and shoulders, but it was long enough that his legs had gone numb
from Roxas sitting on them. Not that he had the metaphorical heart to complain.
Roxas shifted slightly, his hands fisted into the back of Axel's coat. He
sighed and turned his head, resting his cheek on Axel's shoulder. "... Sorry."
Axel shook his head slightly. "Don't apologize. You need to get it off your
chest, that's fine. Is there anything else you wanted me to know?"
Roxas paused before shaking his head slightly. His hair tickled Axel's neck.
"Uh uh... not right now... Something'll come up, I guess..." he trailed off
before picking back up. "I keep dreaming about him. I'm... remembering stuff.
The things that happened... and when I'm not, I dream he found me again and..."
"Don't tell me you forgot my promise already," Axel interrupted.
Roxas swallowed. "But you can't be there all the time."
"I'll always be there," Axel muttered, although mostly under his breath. He
knew how corny it sounded and how untruthful it was. Nothing lasted forever or
for always... but he would do as much as he possibly could. "Don't worry about
him finding you again," he said quietly, catching himself rubbing absent-minded
circles onto Roxas's back but not ceasing the movement. "But I won't let him do
that again. The next time you have sex with someone, it's going to be
consensual and passionate and fantastic. Or... I should say, the first time you
have sex with someone. Because this wasn't your first time. It wasn't. It
doesn't matter if Sephiroth did what he did to you, not like that... because
this wasn't your own choice. You can still call yourself a virgin, Rox. Don't
give it away to anybody less than perfect."
Roxas hummed; Axel felt the vibrations. But then he laughed, lacking the usual
humor, but he laughed nonetheless. "You sound so serious."
"I am," Axel protested dryly. "Sex is a big thing, Roxas, when you make that
choice. It doesn't... have much appeal now, I know, but... one day... when you
overcome this-" because he will, he's strong, tougher than nails - "and you
have a heart, you make the decision to do that with the person you love..."
"How do you know what love is? And how do you know so much about sex and
stuff?"
Axel tilted his head sideways to look at Roxas, even though the blonde's eyes
weren't level with his. "I'm older than you and more intelligent."
"Oh, please," Roxas mumbled.
That little smile. It wasn't as bright as it usually was, nor nearly as
carefree, but it was there, the remnants of anyway. Axel couldn't wait until it
was back to, if not its usual brightness, something close to it again.
"You've lost your virginity?"
Axel's head fell a few degrees to the side, his hair brushing Roxas's. "Bold
question."
Roxas shifted. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to..."
Axel smiled faintly. "Nah, it's fine. I have. That ship's sailed a few times
over, actually," he admitted.
Roxas raised his head a bit. "Really? Who was your special person?"
Axel opened his mouth to answer and then closed it again. He thought for a
moment how to make this sound less whore-ish than it was. "I had just been
trying things out... Trying some friends out, you know, to find out which I was
most compatible with." No, that really hadn't sounded much better, actually.
He could practically hear Roxas's eyebrows draw together. "You had sex with a
bunch of different people?"
"Hey, it wasn't a bunch!" He would have cuffed him playfully around the ears in
mock-anger if he wasn't afraid to use sudden movements right now. "It was
just... a few people. Over the span of a few years. I wasn't really in love
with them like I thought I was."
"How can you think you're in love but then not be in love?"
Wasn't that a good question? "Hearts are fickle," was all he said in response.
"Love sounds confusing." Roxas sighed and placed his head back on Axel's
shoulder, shuffling a bit more onto his lap. At least he seemed comfortable.
"How old were you?"
Axel pressed his hand more firmly against Roxas's back. "Don't let me influence
you. I was fifteen."
He didn't add that he was fifteen and confused, because he had had
relationships with women a few years older than him with generally positive
results, but sometimes it just never worked for him. He'd started thinking it
was just his problem until he'd gotten drunk one night at a party and got to
possibly-third base with one of the guys there before Isa had dragged his ass
out of there, given him a stern lecture, and sent him home with a raging hard-
on and more than a few questions.
It took him a little bit to figure out that he swung for both teams and, by
that time, he'd gone through enough people to warrant not giving Roxas a quite
too truthful answer on his 'bunch of people' remark.
Plus, Roxas had been raped by a guy. Axel was pretty sure that Roxas didn't
want to hear that his best friend that he was trusting everything with was gay,
too. Well, bi. But mostly gay.
"My age..." Roxas mumbled.
"Keep in mind that I was horny as fuck as a normal human teenage boy. I made
dumb decisions."
"Imagine that..." Roxas mumbled.
Axel laughed a bit. "Having a heart makes you do all sort of out of character
things."
"I guess." Roxas pressed closer for an instant before sitting up, slowly
shuffling off of Axel's lap. "It might..." He looked towards the sunset.
Axel followed his gaze for a second before perking up. "Hey, did you want ice
cream now? I didn't get any before because I wasn't sure when you'd wake up."
It was his (hopefully) subtle way of changing the subject. He was ready to be
done with this conversation for now. Yes, he knew that Roxas wanted and needed
to talk about it and he knew that this was good, getting it out in the open,
but he didn't want to overwhelm him anymore than he already was. Step by step.
Right?
"Sure," Roxas said softly, offering up that little smile again.
They'd get there. Slowly.
 
***** Feeling Human Again *****
Chapter Summary
     Roxas makes Axel feel alive.
     ... In more ways than he had thought about previously.
It happened so fast that Axel didn't have time to stop it.
It was about five days since Roxas had gotten back and, while the physical
injuries had more or less healed over, there were still countless mental things
they had yet to smooth over.
That latest thing to come out of Roxas's mouth was that he was damaged now and
why did Axel even want to talk to him anymore. Axel had dropped his ice cream
in the intensity of his response that don't think that you've been tossed
asideand You're my best friend; I'm not going to leave you no matter what
someone else did.
He hated hearing Roxas talk like that. He didn't really know why.
But, more to the present.
Axel was sprawled out on the sofa with a hand of Luxord's cards between his
fingers, eyes narrowed in concentration, as he waited on Roxas to come down for
their mission. It wasn't that he hadn't beaten Luxord before in poker... but it
was a feat. It required attention. Axel was pretty sure that he was winning
now, but with Luxord's poker face... it was hard to tell.
"Dealt a fair hand, Axel?"
"Well, I never know until I see what you have," Axel said. "What's the wager?"
"I'm hoping to synthesize a new upgrade for the deck and I do believe I'm in
need of three Rune Tech+..."
Axel narrowed his eyes. "I don't have those. I thought we were betting munny."
"Usually," Luxord agreed mildly, "but I'm in need of things that munny cannot
buy. If you don't have the Techs, you can call the treasure hunt to find them
the wager."
Axel hummed, leaning back against the sofa. "Fine by me, then. But if I win,
you have to collect treasures for me on Missions... two-twenty-three through
two-twenty-six. I never had time for them."
"A gamble that I am willing to partake in," Luxord replied, looking back at his
cards.
"Morning."
Axel glanced up as the new voice joined the Grey Area. He waved across the room
at Roxas. "Hey, Roxas. Give me a few minutes and we'll be off."
"Are you winning?" Roxas asked, joining him by the sofa and looking over his
shoulder at his hand. (Not that Roxas got how to play poker. He was horrible at
it, although Axel humored him sometimes.)
"That's the ultimate question, isn't it?" Luxord asked.
Axel was focusing on Luxord's cards as he laid them and didn't notice the other
people entering the Grey Area. Or rather, Demyx coming into the Grey Area, a
grin on his face, and sneaking up behind the sofa.
Axel didn't know what happened until he heard Demyx yell "Gotcha!" and Roxas
went tense over his shoulder as Demyx flung his arms around the blonde's neck.
"Morning, guys!" Demyx said cheerfully, Roxas's tense posture and wide eyes
going unnoticed by the cheerful blonde.
"Roxas..." Axel started, but Roxas didn't seem to hear him. His eyes were
distant.
And then he went down, hard, hitting the floor with a sickening thud.
"Roxas!"
Cards scattering, Axel scrambled off the sofa and crouched down next to the
unconscious blonde, hovering his hand in front of his nose to check for
breathing and then moving on to gripping his shoulder gently. "Hey. Roxas?"
"I didn't do anything!" Demyx protested. "Why did he pass out??"
Axel frowned to himself, tapping Roxas's cheek. Roxas didn't stir, but at least
he was still breathing, albeit if it was quickened.
"The Organization continues to fall victim to evil odds," Luxord commented. "I
wonder who Fate will take next in her twisted game."
"Luxord, don't say that!" Demyx protested. "Is he going to be alright? Axel,
what's wrong with him?"
Axel sighed, rocking back on his heels. "Yeah..." He ran his fingers through
his hair. "Yeah." He scooped Roxas into his arms. "He's just had a rough couple
of weeks. Sorry, Dem. It wasn't your fault." Although it really sorta was, he
thought as he got to his feet with Roxas in his arms. It wasn't like Demyx
could have known, though, and the water-wielder looked stricken. "I'll take him
back to his room."
"Funny, Axel," Luxord commented. He seemed to have already bypassed Roxas
collasping and had moved on to looking at Axel's discarded cards. "You would
have won."
Axel shook his head slightly as he carried Roxas out of the Grey Area. He most
certainly wasn't winning anything right now.
"Axel...?"
He glanced down at the blonde in his arms, tightening his grip a bit so he
wouldn't fall if he started to move. "Hey... Sorry about that. I didn't see him
coming."
Roxas sighed and burrowed his face into the crook of Axel's arm. "... I just
froze up and then I got light-headed and..."
"Went down," Axel finished. "Yeah. It's... well, expected. After what you went
through. Any sudden movement probably frightens you, let alone Demyx putting
his arms around you."
Roxas sighed. "Uh huh... And I'm still having flashbacks... and nightmares..."
"It's only been, barely, two weeks since this started, Rox. You need time to
heal." He paused. "Do you want me to put you down?"
Roxas shook his head slightly. "No. It's funny..." he murmured. "I always feel
safe with you."
Axel smiled. "Well, good. I feel human with you."
The words just slipped out on their own. It was true, of course, but not
something that he really went around saying. He'd nearly had a ‘heart’ attack
one day when Roxas called him ‘best friend’ in the middle of the Grey Area
(thank goodness no one had been around). Even now, his ears felt hot and he
wished he could swallow the words back.
"That's nice," Roxas said tiredly. His tone said it really was nice. He wasn't
just humouring him. Of course, he also sounded like he was falling asleep again
- Axel realized the kid wasn't sleeping much, but this had to stop sometime or
he'd get sick from not sleeping normally - so Axel wasn't sure if he meant it
to sound that way or not.
"Yeah... You're going back to bed," Axel said, changing the subject. "I can
handle our mission on my own. No worries."
"Sorry..." Roxas murmured. "Haven't been sleeping well..."
"I know." He carried Roxas into the bedroom and laid him down gently, pulling
the blankets over him. "Do you want me to see if I can find something that
might help you sleep?"
Roxas shook his head. "No... Could you... stay, though?" he asked hopefully,
and shyly, eyes flicking to Axel's and then away again because this wasn't how
their friendship had ever worked. They teased most of the time. Being serious
for both of them was a two-way street here. "Until I fall asleep, I mean... I
know you have the mission and if you wanted to wait until later when I have my
bearings back, I can go with you..."
Axel shook his head. "It's fine, Roxas. Really." He sat down on the edge of the
bed. "Go to sleep. I'll stay here if you want me to."
Roxas smiled. "Thanks."
"Yeah." Axel reached over to ruffle his hair. "Go to sleep, Rox."
Roxas protested halfheartedly when Axel mussed his hair, but he snuggled
further down into the blankets and sighed heavily, almost in a content sort of
way, as he let his eyes flutter closed again.
===============================================================================
                                        
Axel pushed Roxas back onto the bed roughly, the creak of the springs sending a
jolt of desire straight to his cock. Not that it hadn't been there before.
Roxas made it impossible for him tonotget hard whenever the kid laughed and his
breath tickled his hair or whenever he had a particularly melty ice cream on a
particularly hot day.
Now he had him where he wanted him. Roxas was his and only his... no one else
was going to lay a finger on him.
Axel pushed Roxas into the mattress and crawled over him, pinning his arms to
either side of the bed and leaning down to slam his lips against Roxas's mouth.
Roxas kissed him back with as much wild abandon as an inexperienced teenager
could, teeth against his own and his lip getting bit in the process.
"Want you," Axel whispered as he moved his mouth to Roxas's neck, biting down
against the soft skin there. "Need you." He ran his tongue over the bite mark
and then nipped his way up, tracing the tip of his tongue along the shell of
Roxas's ear.
The blonde shivered beneath him and locked his arms around Axel's back, pulling
him down, pushing him closer. Fingers locked in fiery red spikes and pulled and
Axel gasped and tilted his head back, glaring down at Roxas, who grinned up at
him with a flushed, crazy grin on his face.
"Bastard," Axel sneered, leaning down to capture his mouth again. His hands
crawled from gripping the bed sheets to traveling down Roxas's body, tweaking a
nipple, tracing the blonde hair down his stomach, before pressing the heel of
his hand against Roxas's clothed cock.
Roxas gasped and bucked and squirmed beneath him. His thigh rubbed up against
Axel's own erection and they moaned together. Sweat trickled down Axel's back
and his hair fell into his eyes, but all he could see was blue, blue and
arousal, and he palmed Roxas again for the feel of having the blonde squirming
and panting beneath his fingers.
"How do you like it now?" he whispered, fingers curling around Roxas's chin.
"Now who's in charge?"
Roxas whimpered.
"Who?" Axel demanded, pressing just the slightest bit harder on Roxas's
erection.
"You!" Roxas keened. "Don't- Axel. D-don't stop...!"
Axel grinned wildly. "Mmm, do I like that. Say that again. My name." He rubbed
quicker, dragging his fingernail against the zip of Roxas's pants, feeling the
catch and assuring Roxas would and did, too, by his gasps and whimpers
increasing. Axel had had enough and been with enough people to know that his
blonde's orgasm wasn't far off.
"A-Axel...! Please!"
"Please what?" Axel asked coyly.
"Just- just- Axel..." Roxas moaned and pressed his head back into the pillow,
neck exposed. Axel wanted to lean forward and suck on his skin, mark it, mark
him, take him as his own and show the world that Roxas was his. "Ah- Axe-"
Roxas's speech cut off with a gutteral groan, body going tense beneath hi-
Axel awoke with a start, sitting up so fast that he nearly fell right out of
bed. He gasped for breath and fought with the sheets, drenched with sweat, for
air, his nonexistant heart pounding in his ears in the otherwise silence of the
room. His mind was swirling with the dream and his stomach with it, but the
erection still standing alert between his legs proved he had been dreaming it.
Eyes wide and body buzzing, he shoved out of bed and staggered to the bathroom.
He was eternally grateful that, after Roxas had fallen asleep earlier, he had
gone out on that mission and gone back to his own room when he found Roxas
sleeping soundly. If he'd had that dream in Roxas's bed...
Axel shivered as the air hit his overheated skin.
How could he face Roxas now?
For the first thing, he didn't even know where that dream had come from. He'd
never had thoughts like that, not... really, anyway. Sure, everybody kind of
thought about what their friends would be like in bed, didn't they? And Axel
couldn't fathom having a close friendship with anyone other than Roxas in the
Organization, but he'd been dreaming about having sex with him.
Rough sex, mind. Sex that almost put him exactly where Sephiroth had been.
Something that put him in Sephiroth's league because, while he hadn't done what
Sephiroth had done, he'd dreamed about taking Roxas in, while apparently(?)
consensual, such a dominating way.
... What did that say about him?
Hell, what did it say about his relationship with Roxas? Did he... like him,
that way? Did he... love him in the sense that Nobody's could remember the
emotion of love? He wanted to protect him and he wanted to spend time with him
and do whatever he could for him... did that involve sex? Did that involve
something more than friends?
And, if it did, what did thatmean, then? That Axel was getting horny over his
best friend after his best friend was dealing with the aftermath of being
raped? Or was that what had brought it out? Axel hadn't realized how much he
cared for Roxas until these horrible things had happened?
... And, in any case, Roxas wasn't gay. If Axel ever mentioned anything about
this... Roxas would never trust him again. Axel wouldn't let that happen.
"What a nightmare," he groaned, putting his face in his hands.
He didn't notice it until just then, but he was shaking all over and not just
from the weakness in his legs.
Axel sucked in a deep breath and straightened up. He couldn't let this get to
him. He wasn't going to think about it. His mind was just twisting things
around.
No. Roxas needed him right now. And not in the way that dream-Roxas had needed
dream-Axel.
Axel ran his fingers through his sweat-slicked hair and turned for the shower,
peeling his clothes off before turning the shower on to blast the cold water.
 
***** Truth *****
Chapter Summary
     It's not the ravishing declaration of love he hoped for, but he knew
     it had to be this way.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
"Axel...?"
Axel dangled his feet over the edge of the clock tower, disdainfully eyeing a
scuff on his left boot. The Heartless had gotten rough today. Cure could heal
injuries, but it couldn't help scuffed boots. "Hm?"
"What's changed?"
Axel looked up, looking at Roxas. "What?"
Roxas shrugged slightly. "Just, these past couple of days... you've been
distant. Like... I don't know. Like you don't want to talk to me or something."
Axel straightened up a bit. He'd thought he'd been doing alright with fooling
the kid, but... yeah, he wasn't even fooling himself. "Of course I want to talk
to you, Roxas. Who else would I talk to?" he asked with a grin.
Roxas didn't smile. "I just... did I do something?"
That tone of voice. Roxas sounded so pathetic without even trying and Axel knew
he didn't mean to, but... how did he look so heartbroken when he didn't have a
heart to break?
"No," Axel said sternly. "No, you didn't. I'm just... tired," he said
pathetically. It was a sad excuse, but not exactly a lie. He hadn't been
sleeping well. Or, maybe he was just too nervous to sleep because he wasn't
sure what he was going to do in his dreams that he couldn't actually relax
enough to get a full night's rest.
Either way, neither of them were particularly happy campers right now.
"Are you alright?" And there was Roxas, being all concerned, being worried,
aware despite his own problems, eyebrows creasing together and his blue eyes
alight with curiosity.
Axel tried to hang onto the smile, although it was slipping away. "Yeah... I'm
good, Roxas. Don't worry about me."
Roxas's frown didn't leave. "You look... sad."
Axel wondered when Roxas had gotten so perceptive. There were times when he'd
been so distant that he didn't know why he'd bothered to go to the clock tower
to have ice cream with Roxas asides from pure habit, but Roxas had never picked
up on it and had simply laughed and smiled and talked about missions.
Now, he was pulling him up on looking sad when he felt the mixture of non-
emotions boiling beneath the surface: confusion, anger, worry, and sadness.
Slap a layer of exhaustion over all of it and it was the perfect package for
self-destruction.
Axel shook his head. "Nah. Maybe I'm just getting a touch of something." He
pressed his hand to his own forehead, even though he didn't think he was
getting sick nor would he actually have felt hot to his own hand. Besides, he
ran warm anyway.
"Do you wanna head back?" Roxas asked. "If we go back now, you can shower and
get to bed earlier."
"Sure." About five days ago, he would have said nah, we'll stay here a little
longer, but now... his heart just wasn't in it. He needed to remedy that or
they'd never get back to the place where they had been.
Roxas got to his feet and held his hand out to Axel. "Come on."
Axel looked up at him for a moment before taking it. "You know, you aren't
supposed to be wasting your energy worrying about me. I'm fine."
Roxas's fingers fell away once Axel was standing. "Well, I can't really worry
about myself, can I?"
"You should be," Axel said, ushering him into the dark corridor.
"I'm... okay," Roxas murmured. "I mean... All I can do... is push forward,
right? I... I'm still having nightmares and if somebody moves too fast, I'm
right back there, but..." he trailed off. "I'm still scared, but I can't just
sit around and let you take care of me. I might be the victim, but I don't want
to cause more trouble than its worth..."
"You're not a victim," Axel said quietly. "You're a survivor."
Roxas smiled weakly. "Yeah. But I'm still a victim."
Axel reached over to squeeze Roxas's shoulder, curling his fingers around it
firmly. "Don't think that way. And don't think you're causing trouble. I don't
mind looking after you... once in awhile," he added, with a little smile.
Roxas's smile brightened slightly. "Just once in awhile?"
Axel nodded. "And you won't owe me for this one, but the next time? You'll have
to pay me back for all my kindness and hard work."
"Oh, really?"
Axel pushed at Roxas's shoulder, sending the blonde wobbling. "Yeah!"
Roxas swatted at his hand as he retracted it. "Hey!"
Laughter felt foreign after the two weeks that they'd had. It was probably even
more strange to Roxas, but Axel felt the heavy weight on his chest loosen
somewhat as the warmth of laughter bubbled forward. Maybe they'd be alright. Of
course they would. Roxas was dealing with his problems and Axel was dealing
with his own. And, with a little bit of help from Axel to Roxas (but not the
other way around), they'd get back to where they had been before. A little less
awkward and a lot less jumpy, for more reasons than one.
"Thanks, Axel."
The serious gratitude was almost as surprising as the hug that accompanied it,
Roxas's arms latching around his shoulders the best they could from the height
difference and his body pressed flush against Axel's.
Axel looked down at the blonde pressed up against him. He didn't know how to
react. Technically, okay, he did. Hug him back. At least pat his back, thump
his shoulder, something. But now his hands were hovering unsurely over Roxas's
shoulders, not quite touching, his chest aching and his stomach doing little
flitters from the close proximity.
What had happened to him?
"... Axel?" Roxas asked, pulling away.
Words didn't come, didn't form where they were always usually so easy to fall
off of his lips. He didn't know what to say, let alone what he should do. Roxas
was staring up at him with a look of confusion on his face.
"Axel!"
Axel jumped, looking down at him and finally finding his eyes.
"What's wrong?" Roxas repeated. "Something's off about you-"
"I think I love you."
The words slipped out.
Axel cringed.
It wasn't as though those words weren't true. They were.
Somehow, in the process of all the time he'd spent with him, he'd ended up
falling for him. And he hadn't realized it until just recently, just a few days
ago, but he didn't need to think about it any more at that point because...
only one person made him feel that way and that person was Roxas. Only one
person made him feel at all. And for somebody (a Nobody) to make him feel that
way? It had to be a pretty big damn thing. And that... Axel realized, that had
to be love.
But... that was the secret he'd been trying to hide. Damn it, Lea! You and your
big mouth!
Roxas stared up at him before blinking. "You can't love. We don't have hearts."
Axel shook his head. "Yeah... I mean, no. Just..." He rubbed the back of his
neck. "Let's get back."
"Axel?"
"Forget it." Axel strode ahead. "Come on, Saïx is probably waiting for us to
check in."
Roxas hurried after him. "Hey, wait up. What did you mean? What's love?"
Axel came to so sudden a stop that he felt like he'd walked into a brick wall.
Oh. Of course Roxas wouldn't have the slightest idea about what love meant. Of
course he wouldn't. Axel had had a past life, at least, a past life that he
remembered. He had known what love was before he had become a Nobody and that
was the only reason that he knew.
So... did that mean he could use that to his advantage?
No. No, just because Roxas didn't know didn't meant that Axel could twist it so
that it seemed normal. Because... yes. He was gay. But that didn't mean that
Roxas was going to be, too.
"It's just..."
"Wait." Roxas's voice sounded strange. He'd come to a stop. "We... talked about
this. Love... Sex." Roxas looked up at him. "Is that what you mean??"
"No!" Yes, you do. "Well... yeah, love can have to do with sex but it doesn't
have to!"
"You want to..."
"No," Axel interrupted, before Roxas could say it: want to have sex. Yes, you
do. SHUT UP. "No, not like... I would never do anything to hurt you. Not like
Sephiroth."
"Which means you dowant to!"
"No! Well, okay, yes, maybe, eventually, a long time in the future, if it
works, but not if you don't want to. And if you don't want anything like that,
that's fine, too, because we're friends and we can keep things that way. Just
because I like you doesn't mean that you have to like me."
"I don't!"
Axel pulled up short. Okay, that stung a little bit more than he thought it
would. "Okay, then," he said shortly. "Let's just-"
"But it doesn't matter because you still..." Roxas spluttered. "We're guys,
Axel!"
"I'm gay."
Roxas stopped pacing, looking around at him. "What?" He sounded tearful.
Axel sighed heavily. "Bi, actually. Haven't had a relationship since joining
the Organization, but I slept with both men and women back when I was human."
"Meaning you..." Roxas whispered. "... you want what... Sephiroth did..."
Axel shook his head. He felt vaguely numb. Stupid. He couldn't even properly
react to Roxas saying that he wanted what Sephiroth did; he was just...
resigned. He just shook his head. "No. I don't take. I enjoy it when it's
offered but I don't force it from people. People like Sephiroth deserve to
burn," he said in a monotone. "I would never do that. Especially not to you."
"... What the hell am I supposed to say to that?" Roxas asked, voice wavering.
When Axel looked back, yes, there were tears collected in the blue eyes and
they spilled over even as he watched. Instinct made him want to wipe them away,
but something kept him rooted in place.
"I don't know," he said honestly. "I don't. But I'm sorry. For everything that
he's done and everything that I've done." He looked back ahead. "Come on. Let's
get back."
Roxas stared for a minute longer before turning away, running back the way
they'd come.
"Roxas!"
Axel stared at the spot where Roxas stepped out of the dark corridor. He felt
frozen on the spot. He knew he should go after him, but he was almost positive
that Roxas didn't want to be with him right now. Or ever, for that matter. He
wanted to make sure that he was okay... but he clearly wasn't, and this was
Axel's fault.
He sighed and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. His fingers were
shaking, but he ignored them, swiveling around with a swish of his coat.
Right now, Roxas needed time. Maybe only a short time, but Axel knew he
couldn't go after him right now without making it worse. But he would go after
him. Because it was his feelings that had gotten them into this, and he was
going to make sure that he got them out.
He was a Nobody with no heart, after all. How difficult could it be to stop
feeling again?
 
Chapter End Notes
     I didn't mean to not post a new chapter for so long. I've been having
     writer's block on this one, but I'm trying to get around it.
***** What Love Is *****
Chapter Summary
     Axel's trying to explain. Love. To a person with no heart.
     ... Not like he has one, either, but still.
Chapter Notes
     I'm behind on keeping up with this story, but the KH muse is back a
     bit, so I thought I'd post a new chapter since it's been so long. So
     sorry about that. Here you are!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
"I knew you'd come."
"Of course. Prior confessions notwithstanding, I am still going to be there for
you regardless."
Roxas wrapped his arms more tightly around his knees. He didn't look up at
Axel.
Axel sighed and sat down on the dock next to him. "I didn't mean to hide it
from you. I just thought it wasn't the best time to admit to you about my
orientation, given what happened to you, and... it just slipped out. That's why
I've been distant the past few days. I just realized what everything meant,
what I was feeling."
"... We aren't supposed to feel," Roxas mumbled.
"We aren't," Axel agreed. "But we do." He paused. "But I won't. From now on.
You're my friend, Roxas. I don't want to lose that. Forget what I said what
going on with me. Let's just go back to where we were, because it's really good
like that, too."
Roxas stared at the ocean, chin resting on his knees. "... I don't know what to
say."
Axel nodded slowly. "I know. I screwed up. But let me still be there. Even if
you don't want to talk to me... have ice cream anymore, any of that, I
understand that." He kept his gaze on the water. "But at least let me watch
over you, protect you. I'm your babysitter, after all."
"I'm not a kid," Roxas muttered.
"No..." Axel agreed. "And you might not need it, but I want to protect you."
Roxas was quiet for a minute. His hair ruffled in the breeze. Axel wanted to
run his fingers through it. And then he wanted to kick himself for thinking
that. Turning that newly acquired bit of knowledge about love and who he was in
it with off was, apparently, going to be more difficult than he thought.
"... You said you were in love with me," Roxas murmured.
"Don't..."
Roxas shook his head, raising it from his knees. "I still don't know what that
means. I know sex goes with love but you say you want to protect me? Sephiroth
wanted sex but he didn't want to protect me. Was Sephiroth in love with me
because he wanted sex?"
Axel opened his eyes. He'd closed them when Roxas had reminded him that he'd
said he loved him. "What? No. Sephiroth didn't love you. He wanted a thrill."
Roxas winced, and Axel cringed internally. "Sorry. But it's true. He didn't
love you. When somebody loves somebody else, they... they want to spend time
with them all the time."
He stared at the ocean. It looked like it was taunting him, being so playful
and inviting like that.
"It doesn't matter what you're doing. You just want to spend time together. You
can just sit and watch the sun set or can snuggle over a stupid movie. Sex
isn't obligatory. I mean, it's good, if you're with someone you love, because
it just feels perfect, you and your best friend joining together in every
possible way like that, but... it isn't necessary. Your heart soars when you
get to be near them and you get this sensation called butterflies in your
stomach. It kind of makes you feel sick. You feel nervous at first, like, you
don't really know what you're feeling or how to deal with it, but that goes
away because that person makes you feel complete... like you feel at home with
them. Like there's nowhere else you wanna be than with them."
He glanced at Roxas more out of habit than expecting a response.
The blonde's eyes were filled with tears again, lips trembling before he
pressed them into a thin line.
Axel didn't think; he just did. He wrapped his arms around Roxas and dragged
him close. It was reflexive nowadays, like breathing. If Roxas was crying, he
wanted to hold him and tell him that it would be okay.
Roxas stiffened but didn't pull away. "... That's how you are with me, aren't
you...?" he asked waveringly.
"...I didn't realize the weight of it until a few days ago," Axel murmured,
"but yes... I want to be near you. I want to protect you. I want to hold you
like this and never let you go. That's how I feel."
Roxas sighed shakily. He relaxed a little. "... I don't know how to love
anything."
"You don't have to love me," Axel said quietly. "Save it for someone good."
Roxas pulled away a bit. "But... you're my best friend. Isn't your best friend
your lover?"
Axel paused before shaking his head. "No. Not necessarily. But your lover is
your best friend."
"Oh." Roxas leaned against him again. "That's confusing..."
"Yeah. Tell me about it." Axel stared off into the distance, watching the ocean
wave and bob and dance around them. He had told Roxas that they'd get to the
beach one day, but he hadn't really thought it would be like this.
"How can it be confusing when you're the one in love?"
Axel laughed dryly. "That just makes it more confusing. Love is rarely easy and
never is it not confusing."
Roxas sighed again. "So... what does this change?" he murmured.
"Nothing. It doesn't have to change anything." He rubbed his fingers onto
Roxas's shoulder thoughtfully, knowing that his stupid little declaration would
change things. He just hoped they could work past that.
"You want it to."
"No." Maybe. "I'm content with just this." For now.
He irritably told his inner voice - his inner voice that was the irrational,
human part of him: Lea - to go screw itself. He was content like this, it
just... was a little more tense now. He'd manage it.
"You're tense," Roxas remarked.
"Yes," Axel muttered. "I am. But don't worry about how I feel." Or how I don't.
Roxas exhaled and snuggled closer, curling his fingers into Axel's coat. "The
ocean's nice," he murmured.
"Yeah... it is," Axel replied, tightening his grip around him.
"Maybe we can go swimming sometime..." Roxas murmured.
"That would be nice."
Roxas didn't say anything else and when Axel had looked down at him, the blonde
had closed his eyes.
Axel sighed quietly and closed his eyes, too.
===============================================================================
                                        
Two more weeks and what felt like a thousand missions and not enough icing on
the cake later, they had a day off. (Actually, Axel won a bet with Luxord, who
was now working Axel and Roxas's mission today. It was just recon, but Axel
didn't care: it gave him a day to laze about the Castle without worrying about
what Saïx would say when he didn't get his mission done.)
Axel was sprawled across his bed, nibbling on manju as he absently flipped
through a magazine. Wrinkling his nose, he put the manju down and licked his
fingers, gripping the magazine and tilting it sideways.
There was a knock on his door. He jolted, the magazine going flying out of his
hands. "Shit- yeah!?" He crawled off the bed, picking up the magazine and
straightening up to find Roxas standing in the doorway. "Roxas..."
"... Hey," Roxas said quietly, smiling.
Axel blinked and jerked the magazine behind his back, folding his fingers over
it. "Hey. What's up?"
Roxas's eyes flickered towards Axel's arms. "Sorry, did I interrupt
something...?"
"No," Axel said, shoving the magazine into the trunk. "Nope, it's good." He
leaned over the bed and picked up the rest of his manju, taking a bite as if to
prove that he hadn't been doing something.
Roxas narrowed his eyes slightly. "You were looking at porn."
Axel coughed, nearly choking on the bun. He gave Roxas a pointed,
flabbergasted, look over his coughing.
"I guess you don't just spend our days off sleeping," Roxas muttered, leaning
against the doorway.
"I was not," Axel retorted, rubbing his mouth, "doing anything. Besides... you
know. Looking."
Roxas rolled his eyes. "You wouldn't have hidden it from me if it wasn't
something you thought I shouldn't see." He looked off to the side. "I don't
really understand the appeal."
Axel paused, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "The appeal of...?" he
trailed off, letting Roxas pick the sentence up.
"Porn," Roxas filled in. "It's just... it seems so faked, you know?"
Axel finished off the last bite of his manju, wanting to say not if you're
watching good porn, but deciding not to. "Well... I mean, I wasn't really
looking at porn like that. Magazines, you know... Just naked pictures and
stuff."
Roxas turned to look at him. "Can I see?"
Axel's mouth was dry. He should have gotten something to drink to go with the
snacks. He licked his lips and parted them to speak, before pressing them
together again. "Roxas..." he started after a moment.
"It's guys, right?" Roxas asked tonelessly. "Naked guys and stuff." His eyes
flickered to the chest where Axel had shoved the magazine.
"... Yeah."
"... Can I see?" Roxas repeated bluntly.
Axel sighed heavily, leaning forward to put his face in his hands. "Roxas, you
are pushing these things way too fast."
"Pushing what too fast?" Roxas retorted. "I just, I want to know what you're
into."
I'm into you, Axel thought, which was true enough despite repressing everything
he'd admitted to himself and Roxas, but he never found anyone like Roxas in
those magazines. Roxas was special, truly one of a kind.
But instead of all that, he asked "Why?"
Roxas slumped back against the door. "I dunno," he mumbled.
Axel rubbed his eyes and raised his head. "If you want to look through my
stuff, go ahead. But don't look through it because you think it's therapy or
something, or... that you need to be pressured into liking guys or..." he
trailed off. He didn't know if it was just him, but the unspoken or me was loud
enough to deafen.
Roxas sighed, crossing the room to sit next to Axel. "How'd you know you liked
guys?"
Axel laid back, folding his arms beneath his head. If Roxas wanted to talk
about, Axel would talk about it. He just hoped that he wasn't doing it for the
wrong reasons.
"I fooled around with women, sometimes it worked, sometimes I never got off.
Then I got buzzed at a party and some guy started coming on to me because he
thought I was gay to begin with. I was too smashed to know any better and I was
horny as hell and all I knew was that his hands felt good against my cock. He
knew what he was doing, which was more than some of the women I'd been with,
but of course that makes sense: he had a cock of his own, so he knew how to
work the technique."
He sighed - again. He was doing a lot of that lately. "I don't really think
that's a good example, though. Don't get drunk at parties, don't let strangers
give you handjobs before your best friend has to punch the guy out and pull up
your pants to send you home," he said, a little ruefully. "Normally, it's...
probably different. I was never in love with anyone, so I don't... really know
how to explain how you know if you like guys or women." He shook his head.
"Just... kind of like I said before. You want to spend time with them and
protect them and never let them go, but it's more than that, too."
He narrowed his eyes. "You like their smile. It makes you want to smile, too.
Seeing them happy makes you want to smile and laugh and everything's... good.
Just sort of bubbly, like nothing's gone wrong. Or the way they talk, or act,
their personality's attractive. Like, you don't want to hang out with people
who are torturing puppies," he added, "but when you're with the person you
like, male or female, there's nothing wrong with them. They could do the
stupidest things and you couldn't find fault. You'd just smile or cry or be
worried. And the way they look, obviously. What color their eyes are, what
their hair feels like or if it's curly or straight or brown or ginger, just
looking at them makes your heart beat a little faster. It might not be good for
someone else, but as long as you get that sort of... floaty feeling, that
feeling that you're, like, home, like you're complete... it doesn't matter what
everyone else thinks. It might not be textbook perfect, but it's your own
version of perfect. But I think perfection is overrated, anyway," he said
shortly.
He trailed off again before shaking his head a bit. "Sorry. That probably
wasn't what you were looking for. It's hard to describe, Rox. We don't have
hearts to feel, but we do feel, sort of, and I sort of remember what it felt
like to be in lust with people back then, but... I dunno. I'm not the best
person to ask," he admitted, turning his head to grin up at Roxas.
Roxas's cheeks had gone pink. He didn't meet his gaze, but his tongue flicked
out to wet his lips before he spoke. "... So... S-So..." He picked a loose
thread on his shirt cuff. "... Is it kind of like... wondering where that
person you like is at, when you're not near them?"
Axel tilted his head on his arms. "Yeah. It can definitely be that. Or
wondering if they're thinking about you when you're not with them."
"And you get this weird hollow sensation when... something has gone wrong?
Like... if you think you might not see them again?" Roxas asked quietly.
"Yes..." Axel said slowly, eyebrows knitting together.
"... Or if your stomach kind of... feels weird when you see them, or... you're
grinning when you leave them or you can't stop thinking about them or i-if
you... if you feel safe with them and y-you never want to leave because you
don't know if anything'll ever be right unless you're with them?"
Axel pushed himself into a sitting position. "Yeah. That's all stuff I'd
include in the general collection of ‘love’. Why, Rox?"
Roxas looked around at him. His face was darker now and he only met his gaze
for a moment before looking away again. His eyes were gleaming again. If he
started crying now... "... When did you realize you loved me?" he asked softly.
Axel pressed his tongue against the back of his teeth, coming up short again.
The true answer to that was he had realized it right after Roxas had been
assaulted, but it had been a realization a long time in coming. He wouldn't
have felt the way he did - he wouldn've felt at all - if he didn't care for
Roxas more than he did the average Organization XIII member. But...
"I think I started loving you the first day I met you," he said quietly. It
wasn't the perfect declaration, but then, he didn't like perfection.
Roxas blushed darker still. "A-And you still... even after..."
"Even more," Axel said shortly.
"Why?" Roxas demanded abruptly, jerking his gaze back to Axel. "I'm damaged,
I'm messed up now, he took... he did things to me. Why would you love me? I'm
used up, I'm-"
"Don't you remember?" Axel interrupted. "I said if you love someone, you love
all of them. What you think are flaws are just... stunning to me, Roxas. You're
stunning. This only proves it further. But don't say you're used up. Don't
think of yourself like garbage, because you're not. You're... like a diamond in
the rough. And that's my version of perfect."
Roxas's tears fell and Axel longed to wipe them away, although something held
him back. "Then I think I'm into guys, into you," Roxas said, voice quivering,
"because I can't picture being anywhere else but with you and I can't imagine
doing anything without you and I a-always want to be near you. You make things
perfect when I... you make me feel perfect when I know I'm not," he gasped,
hiding his face in his hands. "I think I love you, and I'm s-so scared because
I d-don't know what that means, but the way you describe it, I can't h-help but
feel like I'm in love with you, too."
Axel wrapped his arms around Roxas's body, pulling him close as he felt the
blonde go to pieces in his arms, almost a month of tension melting from his
body in the form of harsh sobs against his chest. And he was dumbfounded,
because Roxas had just said that he was in love with him (that he thought that
he was in love with him but that was almost exactly what Axel had said to
Roxas, too) and he was curled into his arms instead of hiding away in his own
bedroom, avoiding the friendship because it got too tense if they strained it
after Axel's confession.
Part of his mind reveled at the sudden change. The other part worried that he
had forced Roxas into this, and that was why he was sobbing against his chest,
even though Roxas had said things that Axel had never brought up, like the
hollow feeling you got in your chest when you thought your lover was gone.
There was definitely still a lot of working through it to get through.
But there was hope. Hope in the fact that maybe everything wasn't screwed over.
That Roxas might have feelings for him or even that they could sit like this
and not have to cut through awkwardness with small talk. The fact that Roxas
had come to his bedroom instead of avoiding the conversation.
Axel held Roxas tight as he cried against his chest, his fingers curled into
his shirt like he was holding him there. Maybe he was trying to.
"Everything's gonna work out, Roxas," he murmured, resting his chin on the top
of his head.
 
Chapter End Notes
     [Probably not the best way to declare sexuality. At all. (But
     remember - they have no hearts! It's even more weird for them! Axel's
     got a lot of figuring out to do. And Roxas? Well...)
***** Teacher Axel *****
Chapter Summary
     It's time to explore deeper territory!
Axel still wasn't sure where Roxas stood.
Yes, he had professed his love, but Axel was still hanging onto horrible doubts
that maybe Roxas was saying that because Axel had said it first, and Roxas
would do anything Axel said. Or maybe because Sephiroth had taken his
virginity, he thought he had to be gay, or because Axel liked him, he had to be
gay, or because he was ‘damaged’ (self-proclaimed), he couldn't have his own
choice so he would just take Axel's love.
Still, when the blonde showed up at his room at four-thirty in the morning one
morning, red-faced and teary-eyed in frustration, Axel was stunned into non-
action when Roxas blurted
"Help me orgasm".
Roxas blanched at what was probably the look of disbelief on Axel's face. "I
just... I can't do it," he muttered, shrinking in on himself. "I get erections
in the morning and I feel his fingers on my body and I try to forget about it
and try it for myself and I'm always thinking about him-" He broke off,
trembling. "I can't stop it. I want to push it away, Sephiroth and what he did,
all of that, but I can't and I can't do any of it on my own now."
Axel stared down at him, eyes wide. "You... want..."
"I don't, I just... nnggh." Roxas shifted and curled his hands into fists at
his side. "Help me!" he gasped.
Axel's eyes cast down and then immediately back up when he noticed the bulge in
Roxas's sweats, arousal pitting low in his stomach. He tried to push it away.
"Okay, okay, calm down, Rox," he murmured, ushering Roxas into his room.
"What... brought this on?" he said quietly, guiding Roxas to the bed and making
him sit.
"I wanted... y-you know... on my own. He made me do it and I want to get rid of
that, be able to... handle it on my own, I want to know what it feels like when
it feels like the way it should, not when someone else is forcing you, too, but
I always think about... I mean, I'm right back there the minute I try to..." he
trailed off again.
Axel drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Okay, look, listen to me."
Roxas looked up at him, meeting his gaze with a mixture of embarrassment and
panic and fear. "You gotta think about something you like."
"You?"
Four-thirty in the morning wasn't a roadblock when Roxas came to his room,
asking about things like orgasming and asked if he should think about Axel
while he jerked off. He could feel his cock beginning to twitch as the arousal
sank lower. He bit his lip and pressed onwards. "... If you want to think about
me, that's fine. Or... someone you think is hot."
"You," Roxas repeated, pressing the heel of his hand against his groin and
shivering.
Axel felt hot; not in the way Roxas was saying he was. "Okay," he said thinly.
"Think about me, then."
"What about you?" Roxas pressed.
"... I don't know."
Roxas groaned, twisting his fingers together. "What do you think about? Your
porn? You look at pictures and get off because how hot they are?"
"Sort of," Axel murmured. "But it's kind of... imagining more."
"Like?"
He didn't think he was blushing, but his body felt hot. The way he felt sticky
and warm when he was tangled up in his sheets, his hand fisted around his cock
as he spilled out onto the sheets. "Like... one of the models... Zade," he said
quietly. "He's got... black hair and these amazing... blue eyes," he murmured.
"And I imagine... that he's here, with me... that he's in bed with me... and
he's a dom, so he's top, always top, but... we kiss. And he has the mouth of
a..." He shook his head slightly. "Well, an amazing mouth. Plump lips. And he
likes my mouth, his tongue never leaves it, exploring around as we kiss and his
lips are full and pink and warm against mine. His hands are exploring my body.
Parts of me that people haven't seen in years. He sucks a hickey against my
neck and he pinches one of my nipples and I gasp out loud and he just laughs at
me, and he's got this amazing laugh, this little soft, musical laugh that
quivers down into my bones.
Instead of kissing me again, he just moves down and he wraps his lips around
the nipple he's tweaked..." His fingers moved idly, almost instinctively, to
his nipple, tracing around the bud. "And sucks, and his tongue flattens over
the skin, traces wet circles around it but he doesn't stop because he keeps
moving down against my stomach and thighs, licking his way to the insides of
them but he's still ignoring my cock," he said thinly, voice dropping. "The
noises coming out of my mouth, I can't... can't control them because he's
touching me everywhere but where I need it. My heart's thudding and my head's
pounding and I curl my fingers into his hair and pull, demand that he get on
with it because I'm really about to explode when he vanishes altogether. I
can't see him or feel him... and then he suddenly wraps his lips around my cock
and swallows me down. It's so warm and wet and... he's just engulfing me in his
heat, practically balls-deep into his throat."
His body was thrumming. "And then he sucks. Hollows out his cheeks and sucks
hard and it's practically orgasmic just like that, but he pulls down and starts
bobbing, working his tongue up and down and in swirls over the foreskin. My
thrusts have to hit the back of his throat but he doesn't gag once, just takes
it all. And then he sucks again and the pressure's just too much, it all builds
up into a single point of existence and snaps forward and then I'm coming like
I haven't before, shooting down his throat and he just laps it up, like-"
There was a high-pitched, muffled noise that startled Axel out of his fantasy.
Eyes wide and cock throbbing, he snapped his gaze around the room before
remembering Roxas. He jerked his attention back to him, definitely red in the
face now, before he realized that the noise that had startled him out of his
daydream was Roxas.
Roxas, who's hand was vanished beneath the waistband of his sweats, and who's
face was bright red and his chest heaving, neck slicked with sweat and his eyes
squeezed shut and his arm pressed against his mouth.
It took Axel a long minute to realize that Roxas had just orgasmed and, when it
caught up with him, he very nearly came then and there. "Oh, fuck."
Roxas's eyes snapped open. It was like he just came back to himself, jerking
his hand from his pants and the other away from his mouth, although he was
still burning red and his eyes were blown wide.
Axel tried to smile, although he didn't feel like it was believable. "Was it
good?"
Roxas stared at him before nodding, slowly at first and then energetically, his
hair wild with the motion.
Axel nearly laughed when he felt like groaning, desperate to come now that the
fantasy had played out in his mind. He could hardly breathe, let alone
function; he was practically panting. But he kept thinking Roxas Roxas Roxas,
chanting it over and over in his head because this was about Roxas. He was
supposed to be helping him-
"Go ahead," Roxas whispered.
And that was all it took; Axel slumped back against the wall and spit on his
palm and reached for his cock, jerking once, twice, and then bursting into a
white-hot, fuzzy orgasm that left him seeing stars. He stifled his moan into
his arm, pressing his head back against the wall as he arched into his own
hand, feeling the sticky strands of warmth coating his own fingers.
He sank to the floor, slowly, his legs folding beneath him as the rest of his
body recovered from its jelly-like state. He kept his eyes closed and focussed
on regulating his breathing, semen cooling between his fingers. He felt more
debauched than he recalled, but then... he usually didn't have an audience.
He licked his lips nervously and opened his eyes. Roxas was half-propped up on
the bed, watching him with heavy-lidded eyes. His breathing still wasn't back
to normal, either.
Axel felt himself blush deeper this time. Strange; he really wasn't accustomed
to blushing. He pulled his hand from his pants and crawled the short distance
to the nightstand, rummaging in the drawer for tissues. He slumped back against
the bed, resting his head back on the mattress, the floor cool against his
overheated skin.
Roxas didn't say anything. Axel suspected he was still trying to get himself
down from the high of experiencing his first, true, orgasm. And he himself felt
like he'd come from a place that had never been explored before. He found
silence to be the best companion. It wasn't that it was particularly awkward;
he just didn't know what to say.
He was exhausted. A powerful orgasm and the fact that it was quarter to five in
the morning gave him that right. But it also meant that he was asleep before he
even could make sure Roxas was okay.
He thought, before he fell asleep, he heard Roxas whisper "That proves it" in
the silence of the room, but he promptly forgot about in his half-asleep state
and was asleep before he could ask.
                                        
===============================================================================
                                        
Something hit him in the side of the head.
Axel awoke with a start, jerking his head up and feeling pain radiate clear
down his body from the sudden movement. "Owww..."
"Sorry! I'm so sorry!"
Axel twisted around to look up; Roxas was staring down at him, seated on the
bed while Axel was still on the floor, with a worried expression.
Memories of the morning came rushing back. He sat up straight. The used tissue
was still in his hand; it hadn't been a dream.
"Um... I meant to say thanks... earlier..." Roxas murmured, running his fingers
through his hair.
Axel looked back up at him. "... Uh huh." He licked his lips again. He still
had dry mouth. "You liked it, then?"
"Uh, yeah." Roxas smiled shyly. "It was... it was..."
"It was," Axel agreed playfully, pushing himself up to sit on the bed.
Roxas laughed. "I think... I think you enjoyed yourself, too?" he asked slowly,
looking up at him again through his eyelashes.
His ears warmed. "Rox, I'm sorry, I didn't intend..."
"You looked... good," Roxas interrupted. "Um... you just, when you..." He waved
his hands towards him a bit frantically.
"Yeah?" Axel cleared his throat. "I just got caught up." And he wouldn't admit,
not right now, that Zade's big blue eyes had changed into Roxas's eyes and the
vision had played out entirely with Roxas in place in his head.
Roxas smiled softly. "I liked it. All of it."
"Good."
"Could we... do it again?" Roxas asked shortly, cheeks going pink again.
Axel looked down at him before nodding quickly. "Yes. I mean," he added, "if
you want to. Or need to."
Roxas's smile widened. "Good. I'd like that."
"I'd like that, too," Axel replied, reaching over to ruffle Roxas's hair.
 
***** Alive *****
Chapter Summary
     Kissing. If nothing else, kissing is good.
The next time happened approximately five days from the first. It went off a
little differently than the last time. Roxas showed up at one instead of four
and instead of talking, Axel just grabbed his laptop and crawled onto the bed
next to Roxas. "Porn," he said cheerfully, stretching out on his stomach and
patting the bed so Roxas laid down next to him.
They started with heterosexual porn, which was why it didn't go off like the
last time. Axel was drumming his fingers against the blankets by the time the
second video was finished - he was bi in the deepest parts of him - but it was
entirely different to when he played out fantasies in his mind. And Roxas, he
just had his head down on his arms with a vaguely annoyed look on his face.
"What?"
"She's so loud."
Axel laughed out loud, guiding his fingers back to the touchpad. "Okay, okay,
we'll switch off. I didn't want to corrupt your sexuality entirely before you
gave straight-ness a chance."
"You find this hot?" Roxas asked, tipping his head towards Axel.
Axel squinted at the screen, searching for some of his favourites. "Yeah,
sometimes. A little bit."
"Are you hard?"
Axel couldn't help but smile at Roxas's tone. "No. Well, a little. Neither of
them were my type, really. And she waskind of loud."
Roxas looked back at the laptop. "Huh." He shifted position, rolling over to
stretch. "I said I didn't wanna watch it, the ones with a girl."
"Roxas, neither of us are 100% about your sexuality," Axel said, impatience
hitting his tone. He couldn't find what he was looking for; he was getting
antsy. There were particular videos he liked.
"I am," Roxas retorted. When Axel snorted in laughter, Roxas sat up slightly.
"I am! When you came the last time, I almost got hard again!"
Axel's finger slipped; he ended up staring into a list of videos of lesbian
action. He looked up at Roxas. "... What?"
Roxas stared at him for a moment before looking away. "I said you looked good.
I was exhausted, though... and you fell asleep, anyway."
"I'm... sorry," Axel said slowly.
Roxas shrugged. "Uh uh. It was early anyway, I woke you up."
"It was a good surprise," Axel said, clicking away from lollipop and moving
onto a few other pages. "Aha. Here we are. Up for more good surprises?" He
wiggled his eyebrows and hit play, shuffling around on the bed to get more
comfortable.
"Let's try," Roxas agreed, leaning closer to the laptop.
Better results crashed through with orgasmic force or, in Axel's case, biting
his knuckles so hard that he nearly drew blood. He studiously stared at the
screen when Roxas came, trying to block out the noises being muffled into the
pillow he slept on every night. Instead of watching, he just listened and
stared listlessly at the screen, watching the video play out, rolling his hips
against the mattress.
He'd reverted back to being a teenager. A horny teenager, seconds away from
coming in his pants, while his best friend-potential boyfriend spasmed through
his own orgasm next to him. Needless to say, he felt alive.
Life continued. They had missions during the day, had ice cream in the evening,
and generally spent their nights in the way that they had spent their nights
before: alone, minding their own business. Some nights, Axel dropped by Roxas's
room or vice versa, just for company. It was ridiculously... nice.
It was boyfriend material. Axel felt giddy, even though they hadn't so much as
kissed. Mutual masturbation sessions notwithstanding, they were barely even
dating, which made Axel so surprised that he was so happy with it. He didn't
move slow, but he couldn't imagine trying to move faster right now.
The third time happened a few weeks later and, unlike the past times, it was
completely spontaneous. Mostly because Roxas walked in without knocking in the
middle of finding Axel with his cock in hand. And then he had just watched,
watched while Axel got over the initial, justified embarrassment of being
interrupted and being supervised, and pressed on, finishing in record time to
the combined sound of their breathing.
He was still catching his breath when the mattress shifted beneath him and lips
pressed against his. Shock made his eyes fly open, but Roxas's eyes were closed
as he kissed him, inexperienced and raw emotion pressing him close. Axel wasn't
about to complain, slipping his hands up to tangle in Roxas's shirt, pulling
him into his embrace, and kissed him back.
He tasted like sweets and salt, mostly probably because of ice cream earlier,
but something else, like hot chocolate or tea, something Axel couldn't place.
His lips were soft and hesitant beneath a kiss that was slowly deepening. Axel
licked at Roxas's lips, slipping between them to explore his mouth. Roxas made
a soft sound of surprise and the noise vibrated through Axel's mouth too. His
hands settled down on the waistband of Roxas's pyjamas; Roxas ground down on
his naked lap. Twin groans split the air, not enough for Roxas and too much,
too soon for Axel.
"Can't-"
"Multiple orgasms," Roxas gasped against his lips.
Axel choked out a laugh. "Can't." He moaned when Roxas ground down against him
again, because Roxas was determinedly trying to make him. "Roxas, stop."
"I can't," Roxas retorted, gripping tightly onto Axel's shoulders.
"You're going to kill me," Axel gasped, leaning forward to suck at Roxas's
neck, mindful of placement as to where their coats would fall.
Roxas just laughed, reaching up to bury his fingers into Axel's hair, his head
falling to the side.
"Stop laughing," Axel mumbled against his neck, nipping at his skin.
Roxas jerked in response, instead of laughing.
Axel snickered this time, sliding his hands down to press against Roxas's
erection, latching back onto his neck and sucking at the skin hard.
Roxas's body went rigid beneath Axel's fingers.
Axel felt the change immediately and jerked back, away to the best of his
ability, his back hitting hard against the headboard. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I
didn't- I wasn't thinking."
Roxas straightened up slightly. "... No," he mumbled. "I just..." His voice
trailed off again. His eyes were distant.
"It's fine, Roxas," Axel said. "Trust me. We're pushing too fast, anyway, you
don't have to do all of this until you're ready."
"It's been two months!" Roxas exploded, making Axel jump. "I should be able to-
"
"No," Axel interrupted. "You shouldn't. I don't know what I was thinking." He
sat up, looking around for his pants. "Well, I wasn't, obviously." He blew out
a breath. "You had someone sexually assault you, Roxas. Jerking off alone is a
lot different than somebody else touching you."
"But I trust you!" Roxas retaliated.
"That doesn't matter." Axel paused, shoving his legs through his pantslegs.
"... Well, I mean... I'm glad you do," he said slowly. "More than you know.
But," he jerked his pants up over his hips, "even if you trust me, it's a lot
different, it's a lot more intimate. You need to get used to... having someone
see you, touch you that way, okay? Let's take it slow."
"Slower?" Roxas retorted.
"Roxas," Axel said, looking back at him, "two months ago, you barely knew what
being gay was. Don't jump into bed with me just to get over what Sephiroth did
to you."
Roxas stared at him before his entire body seemed to slump over on itself. He
put his head in his hands, tugging at his hair. "I'm not... I don't think I
am," he mumbled. "I like... like being with you and... you know our night-time
excursions... those are g-great, wonderful, I love it, I love watching you..."
He rubbed at his eyes. "And kissing is... good." He raised his fingers to his
lips. "That was really good. I like that."
Axel smiled. "Okay. Let's kiss, then," he said, settling back against the
headboard again and offering out his arms.
Roxas smiled, tentatively, crawling forward into the circle of his arms.
"Okay."
Axel wrapped his arms around him, pulling him as close as he thought was
suitable for the time being. Roxas leaned closer and pressed his palms against
Axel's chest, leaning up for his lips. Axel cleared the distance and kissed him
slowly, a stark contrast to their frenzied kissing moments ago. He felt Roxas
smile against his lips and thought that maybe... maybe, for once, things were
going to be okay for them.
 
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