Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/123630.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Big_Wolf_on_Campus
  Relationship:
      Tommy_Dawkins/Merton_Dingle
  Character:
      Tommy_Dawkins, Merton_Dingle, Lori_Baxter
  Stats:
      Published: 2010-10-03 Words: 17199
****** Can't Help It ******
by carolinecrane
Summary
     My first BWOC fic ever, and it's pretty much the 'fuck or die' trope.
     Before I even knew what that was! It's pretty bad, guys. Posterity,
     you know.
I wake up and groan as I look at the alarm clock next to my bed: 10:00 am. That
means one day closer to the end of the summer, one day closer to going back to
another year of the torture more commonly referred to as Pleasantville High.
The end of summer is always a drag, but this year it was worse because this
summer was…I don't think amazing is the right word, because it wasn't
everything it could have been, but it was definitely better than most summers.
The best part was that I didn't have to share Tommy with anybody, I was
expecting to play third wheel to him and Lori all summer but they broke up and
then she went to her aunt's in Louisiana for two months. So it was just the two
of us, hanging out and wasting all our money on movies and battling the
occasional bad guy.
It still gives me a rush whenever he wolfs out in front of me, I try not to let
it show but sometimes I think he kinda knows. He never says anything but every
once in awhile he gets this look in his eye and kinda tilts his head and I can
tell he's trying to figure something out. I don't have any plans to help him so
I don't ask what's going on behind those gorgeous eyes, I just change the
subject and talk a mile a minute about something he doesn't understand and
pretty soon he's distracted and looking at me like I'm crazy again. It's for
the best – only way it can be, really. If he knew how I felt he wouldn't want
to be my friend anymore, and I'd rather never get a shot at Tommy Dawkins than
have him hate me.
Everybody at school thinks I'm some kind of freak and maybe I am, it never
really bothered me before. The thought of Tommy thinking that about me, though,
that I definitely couldn't handle. So I just let him think I'm a little weird
but basically harmless and I get to be his best friend. He doesn't have to know
about the dreams or the real reason I get a thrill out of watching him wolf
out.
Today's the end of all that, though, because today's the day Lori gets back
from her aunt's. I haven't asked him because I didn't want to ruin the summer
but I can't help wondering if he and Lori will get back together when she gets
home. He hasn't really acted like he missed her, but he hasn't been dating
anybody else either and a guy can't help but wonder. I mean, he's Tommy
Dawkins, captain of the football team, all-around popular guy, everybody's best
friend. Only he's not really everybody's best friend, he's my best friend. I
get to be the guy that hangs out with him, knows all his secrets, and listens
to him bitch about his teachers and his homework. Unfortunately that means I'm
also the guy that has to listen to him talk about girls.
We didn't do much of that this summer, though, I didn't have to pretend to have
a crush on some random girl at The Factory that's way out of my league just to
keep up appearances. I only do that to keep him off balance anyway, because
I've already caught him looking at me funny enough times to know that he'll
figure it out if I don't at least go through the motions.
Only this summer none of that mattered, because it was just me and Tommy. Tommy
and me. Us. It was the best summer of my life.
Fun while it lasted, but that's all over now because Lori comes back today and
that means I'm back to Third Wheel status. Before she came along there were
other girls, but none of them got between us the way Lori did. I know it's
because she knows his secret too, I'm jealous because I'm not the only one
anymore. Being the only one made me special, it gave me a claim on Tommy. I
know how that sounds, I'm a smart guy. I'm not gonna pretend I'm sorry for the
way I feel, though. It was the only thing I'd ever had that was even close to
perfect, and for awhile that's exactly what it was. Then she showed up and I
took a back seat.
He still needs me, of course. I'm the guy with the information, I'm the one
that does the research and figures out how to fight the bad guys. Without me
Tommy would just be another good-looking jock with a little extra facial hair
every once in awhile. Maybe he'd even be dead by now, at least that's what he
says. We watch each other's back, he says it's what buddies do but I wouldn't
know because he's the first person I've ever had that could even qualify as a
"buddy". It's not even close to what I want from him but I'm not too proud to
take what I can get.
The phone rings and I look at the clock again – I've been lying here for half
an hour thinking about him, and I roll my eyes at myself and reach for the
phone. "Merton," he says before I even get a chance to say hello. Of course
it's him, I knew it would be him before I even picked up the receiver. I close
my eyes as he says my name and curse teenage hormones when I feel my cock
twitch in response. All I can do is pray he's not calling to say he's on his
way over or it's cold shower time. Again.
"Hey, Tommy," I finally manage. "What's up?" I roll my eyes at the seriously
bad pun and hope he can't hear me breathing a little harder as I fight to stop
myself from getting completely hard.
"I'm going to Lori's to welcome her home. You wanna come with?" he asks,
oblivious to my predicament. I have to smile at that – the guy's so beautiful
but so completely unaware. He's like this perfect mixture of naivete and pure
sex appeal.
Of course I don't want to go over to Lori's and "welcome her home", I'd rather
go over there and drive her back to the airport so she can extend her stay at
her aunt's house. Preferably until we finish high school. It's not that I don't
like her, it's just that she's in my way. Not that I'd get what I want even if
she didn't come back, but when she's around it just makes me more aware that
he'll never be mine. "Yeah, sure," I hear myself answer, my voice a little
breathy as I give up fighting my body's response to the sound of his voice.
"Hey, are you okay, Merton? You sound a little weird," Tommy says, and I find
myself rolling my eyes for the third time.
"Yeah, sure, I'm fine," I manage to say. "Just woke up is all."
"Alright," he says, but I can tell he doesn't really believe me. "I'm just
gonna grab something to eat and then I'll be by."
I hang up the phone and throw the covers off me, focusing my mind on the sound
of Tommy's voice in my ear as I get right down to business. Thankfully the
boy's got a healthy appetite so I know I've got a few minutes. Hey, I'm not
proud of the fact that I'm about to jerk off while I think about my best
friend, but it's better than taking another cold shower. There have already
been way too many of those this summer, trust me.
Thankfully I'm young and easily excitable so by the time I get off the phone
his voice alone already has me halfway there, and a few quick strokes and one
of my favorite mental images of my best friend and I'm screaming into my
pillow. There are worse ways to start the day, after all. I'd rather it was the
real thing and not me picturing him pressed up against the tiles in the locker
room shower, but we all know you can't always get what you want.
By the time he shows up I'm showered and dressed in my usual black, all traces
of my little indiscretion washed down the shower drain. I even had time to
strip the sheets off my bed and throw them in the laundry, not that I think
he's gonna stretch out on my sheets or anything but it's better safe than
sorry. Now there's an image – Tommy stretched out on my bed, doing that lost
puppy thing with his eyes and his arms folded behind his neck…but now's not a
good time for spinning new fantasies because my jeans aren't exactly loose.
We don't say much on the way over to Lori's, he's in a mood and I'm afraid to
ask what's bothering him because I know what he's gonna say. If I ask he'll
tell me that he's thinking about Lori, wondering if they should have broken up
in the first place. Maybe he'll say he's nervous to see her and tell me that's
why he asked me to come along, because he didn't trust himself alone with her.
I haven't got an answer for any of that, though, so I don't ask. Pretty selfish
considering I'm supposed to be his best friend but I've got my limits.
He leans on the doorbell for awhile and then glances over at me while we wait
for someone to answer, I can tell he's looking at me kinda funny but I don't
look over at him. Don't have to, I know that look by heart and I don't really
feel like seeing it again now. "Are you sure you're okay, Merton?" he asks,
which I don't really get because I thought I was acting normal. Well, normal
for me anyway. Yeah, alright, there's that whole "the sound of your best
friend's voice turning you on" thing but he doesn't know about that. He
couldn't – the guy's brave and loyal to a fault, but he's pretty clueless when
it comes to people.
"Yeah, I'm fine, Tommy," I tell him, finally looking over at him without really
meeting his eyes. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, sure," he kinda mutters, but before I can wonder what the hell is going
on with him the door swings open and there she is. "Hey, Lori," he says as she
grins at us. He steps forward and opens his arms, pulling her into a bear hug.
Big smile – check. Closed eyes – check. Kinda half-murmured sigh – check. Yep,
sure enough, all the signs are there. He still wants her.
I stop myself from rolling my eyes just in time for Lori to pull out of Tommy's
arms and turn to me. "Hey, Merton," she says, surprising me when she reaches
for the front of my shirt and pulls me toward her. I stumble a little over the
doorway but catch my balance just as she wraps her arms around me, giving me a
quick hug and a peck on the cheek. All I can think about is what Tommy's
thinking right now – God, I'd pay anything to see his face but it'd be pretty
obvious if I turned around and looked at him while she was hanging onto me.
Then she lets go and turns toward the stairs that lead up to her room. "Come on
in, guys. I want to show you the pictures from my trip."
I steal a quick glance over at Tommy but he's staring straight ahead as he
follows her up the stairs, so I stifle a sigh and follow both of them. Hey, at
least I get the best view as I walk up the stairs behind him. The boy's got an
ass like you wouldn't believe. Closest I'll ever get to it, but at least I can
enjoy the view.
When we get to her room she hauls out a stack of pictures and I sort of half-
listen as she talks about each one, going over a bunch of stories about her
aunt that I could care less about. I'm watching Tommy, of course, trying not to
be obvious about it but I'm trying to figure out if my first instinct was right
and he does want her back. He's listening to everything she says, can't say I'm
thrilled about how much attention he's paying to her but at least he doesn't
catch me staring.
After what feels like three years or so she finally puts the pictures away and
stands up, picking up a suitcase she hasn't unpacked yet and setting it on the
bed. "I brought you guys something from New Orleans," she announces, smiling in
that perky Lori way that makes you wish you could hate her. She reaches into
the suitcase and pulls out these two packages, they're all wrapped up in dark
blue paper with little silver ribbons on them. Hey, at least she got me
something, I'm surprised she remembered but maybe she's not as eager to get
back together with Tommy as he is to get her back. So I take the box and smile
at her, she's looking at me kinda funny though and I start to get a little
paranoid. Did I wake up with a sign on me somewhere that says "I want Tommy"? I
mean they look at me funny a lot, but I don't think I'm doing anything
particularly weird right now. I'm just sitting here.
I shrug it off and open the box, tearing into the paper and tossing it in the
trash can next to her desk. When I take the lid off the little white box and
look inside I look up at Tommy to see his reaction, but he's just staring into
the box. "Gee, Lori, this is really…thanks," he finally says, and she and I
both start laughing.
"They're good luck charms," she explains, taking a seat next to Tommy on the
bed. That stabs me in the heart for a second but it's not like I can say
anything so I shake it off and look back down at my "good luck charm". "Figured
you could use them, considering how much trouble you two are always getting
yourselves into. I got them in New Orleans."
"That's sweet, Lori," I say, and part of me is actually grateful that she got
Tommy something that's at least supposed to keep him safe, even if it's just a
souvenir from one of those little voodoo shops. He's always getting himself in
trouble so he can use the help. "Thanks."
"You're welcome, Merton," she says, there's something about the way she says it
that makes me look up and I find her staring at me, kinda pensive and kinda sad
at the same time. She's sort of half smiling though and a minute later she
clears her throat and stands up again. "So are you guys hungry? I'm starving,
let's go get a pizza or something."
We end up at the pizza place and I realize for the first time since I woke up
that I'm starving, so I don't mind listening to Lori rattle on some more about
her trip while we eat. Tommy finally starts to loosen up too, which is good
because I'm not sure how much of him acting all freaked out I can take. It
would be one thing if he was just acting weird for no reason, but I know it's
because of Lori and I don't really want to sit in a restaurant with them and
watch it, you know? Bad enough I even have to think about it. On the plus side
she doesn't seem to be especially interested in Tommy, though. In the past
she's always kinda focused on him and I'm sort of an afterthought in our
conversations, but now she's looking at me as often as not and she seems to be
making a real effort to include me.
For a second I have a flash of panic as it crosses my mind that she might
actually be interested in me, but then I realize what I'm thinking and I have
to laugh. They both look at me at the same time, making me laugh even harder
when I look back at them and realize they're wearing the same expression.
"What's so funny?" Tommy asks, he looks almost annoyed but that's nothing new.
"Sorry," I tell them when I finally catch my breath. "It's nothing."
"It's not nothing, Merton, you're laughing so hard you're about to fall out of
your chair. What gives?"
Man, when he looks at me that way…it's sort of half-annoyed, half-confused, his
lips kinda parted and just begging…Whoa, Merton. Down boy, baaad idea. Can't
start thinking like that, no matter how he's looking at me. The last thing I
need is a repeat of this morning's discomfort, especially when Lori and Tommy
are both staring at me like I'm losing my mind. Which just might be true
considering what I was just thinking about Tommy. "Seriously, I was just
remembering something somebody said to me the other day. You had to be there."
Tommy opens his mouth a little wider like he's gonna argue with me, but before
he can say anything Lori clears her throat and changes the subject. "I can't
believe you guys have been letting me go on about myself all day," she says,
and she's looking right at me again like she knows something I ought to know.
"What'd you guys do all summer?"
"Oh, you know, the usual," Tommy answers, leaning back in his chair and
focusing on Lori. "Hung out, caught a few movies, fought some bad guys. Nothing
special."
"That's a shame. Sounds pretty boring."
"It was alright," I say, glancing over at Tommy just for a second. He's still
looking at Lori but the minute my eyes land on him he looks back over at me.
Our eyes lock and he gives me this kind of half-smile, and I swear to God for a
second it looks like he knows exactly what I'm thinking. For a second I wonder
if I'm dreaming, but I pinch the inside of my thigh real quick and I'm
definitely awake. Then I start wondering if I missed something important, but
there's no way. There's no way Tommy knows, he's just as clueless as ever and
besides, he's completely into Lori.
"Yeah, at least we had each other, right, Merton?"
I have to catch myself before my jaw hits the floor and remind myself that he
doesn't mean anything by it. I mean, nothing happened this summer and nothing
was ever going to happen. There's no way he could mean anything. If it wasn't
for the way he was looking at me I wouldn't even think twice about it, I'm
sure. "Yeah, right," I hear myself say as I push my chair back. "I should get
going, my mom'll have a stroke if I don't clean up the lair by the time she
gets home."
"You sure? I mean, it's still early," Tommy says, real fast like he hasn't
really thought it out all the way before he says it. The thing is, though, it's
not like it's a weird thing for him to say. Not to mention it's a lie anyway,
but he sounds like he really doesn't want me to go. I figured he'd want to be
alone with Lori anyway, which I don't really want to think about right now but
I know I can't sit here and look at the two of them anymore.
"Sorry, man, but you know how my mom is. But maybe I'll catch you guys tomorrow
or something."
"Alright," Lori says. She's still looking at me with that cryptic smile but I
can't wrap my mind around that right now, I've got enough to worry about with
Tommy acting strange all of a sudden. I'm not sure what's gotten into him but I
don't trust myself to sit here anymore with him looking at me like that.
"Thanks for coming over, Merton. I really missed you guys," Lori says, and I
find myself wondering all over again if she's suddenly decided that she
actually is interested in me. I suppose it's not completely out of the
question, but the thing is she dated Tommy Dawkins. He's easily the hottest guy
in Pleasantville, maybe even the whole United States. So what she'd see in me I
don't know, unless she's just a sucker for brains and a witty sense of humor.
"Yeah, see you guys," I say, beating a path out of the pizza parlor before
Tommy gets another chance to try to stop me. All I need for him to do right now
is touch me or something, then I might really lose it. Luckily he doesn't
follow me out of the pizza place and I make it home without getting hit by a
car or anything, which was possible considering the fact that I can't seem to
get the image of Tommy staring at me out of my head.
I let myself into the lair and close the door behind me, looking around and
deciding that I might as well actually clean up since I find myself with some
time on my hands. I don't know why I bailed on Tommy and Lori, I mean it's
still summer and chances are they'll go to The Factory later and hang out
together. I just don't feel like dealing with them right now, though,
especially considering the looks I've been getting all day. If it was just one
of them it would be one thing, but they were both looking at me like I'd
suddenly grown horns or something. I stop in the bathroom and take a quick peek
in the mirror just to make sure I haven't – hey, in my life you never know. I
think that's something Tommy would actually point out to me, though, especially
considering his tendency to grow fangs and extra body hair when he gets
excited.
There go those thoughts again, but hey, I'm home alone and from the looks of
things that's the way it's gonna stay so there's no real harm in a little
fantasy about my best friend. I let my mind wander as I pick up books and
notebooks and clothes I've dropped randomly on my way to pass out on the bed,
thinking about Tommy and all the things we did together over the summer. My
brain keeps going back to that look on his face just before I left the pizza
place, though, and for the life of me I can't figure it out. I mean when we got
to Lori's he looked like he was about to crawl out of his skin at the thought
of seeing her again and suddenly he's looking at me like he's never really seen
me before. Maybe he just didn't want me to leave him alone with her before he
figures out how he feels, I don't know. Oh well, if that was the problem he
should have given me a heads up because I'm not gonna volunteer for torture,
not even for Tommy.
By the time I finish cleaning up the lair it's dinner time, but I'm not really
hungry so when Becky calls down the stairs I make up an excuse about not
feeling well. I just don't feel like facing my family tonight, I know they're
gonna ask a bunch of dumb questions about whether or not I'm ready for school
and who wants to deal with that? I mean it's school, how do you prepare for
another year of misery at Pleasantville High? I turn on my computer and log
onto the internet to do a little surfing and see what I can come up with about
potential bad guy invasions over the next few weeks. With our luck something
will drop in our laps just as school starts and then not only will we be stuck
with homework but I'll have to follow Tommy around and make sure he doesn't get
himself killed.
Which reminds me of Lori's gift. I reach into my pocket and pull out the box,
taking off the lid and smiling a little to myself as I reach in and pull out
the good luck charm. It's some kind of animal claw, which is sort of gross if
you think about it but it's wrapped up in twine and there are a few feathers at
the top. There's something on it that almost looks like dried blood, but I
figure it's just something they do for affect. I mean it's just a souvenir,
they have to make that stuff look authentic. I set it next to the computer and
go back to the chat room I'm logged into, but nobody in the Demon Watchers chat
has heard anything about recent activity.
Finally I get bored and log off the internet, looking around the room for
something else to do. Maybe I should have spent the day with Tommy and Lori
after all – I probably freaked out over nothing and they're having a great time
at The Factory now while I'm sitting at home alone and bored. I doubt they're
missing me but I could always go over there and see what's going on, and if I
happen to run into them then so be it. It probably means sitting at the bar by
myself watching them dance all night, but it might just beat sitting around
here by myself imagining what other things they might be doing together.
Maybe I was acting weird earlier, maybe Tommy was just looking at me funny
because I was looking at him funny. It definitely wouldn't be the first time.
Anyway, I can go over to The Factory and do a little damage control at least,
make sure everything's cool with us before I work myself into a total panic. He
doesn't know anything, I've felt this way since we became friends and he hasn't
caught on so far so there's no reason to think he knows just because he gave me
a weird look at lunch, right? Right.
I pull off the shirt I've been wearing all day and dig around in my drawer for
a clean one, opting for a festive blood red this time. Might as well at least
look like I'm not going crazy. I take a quick look in the mirror to make sure
my hair's right and then grab my keys, but just as I'm about to pull open the
door and let myself out it swings in and there he is. "Tommy," I say, the shock
is evident in my voice but if he hears it he doesn't show it. "I figured you'd
still be out with Lori."
"Lori? No, she went home right after you did," he says, brushing past me and
looking around the lair like he lost something.
"Everything okay, buddy?" I ask, closing the door before I follow him back into
the room.
"Yeah, I mean…I don't know." He stops talking and turns around to look at me,
his lips are parted again and I feel my knees start to give out. I have to be
imagining it, there's no way Tommy Dawkins is looking at me like…well, like he
wants me. But I know that can't be it because there's no way Tommy wants me.
Even if he was into guys he could have his pick of anyone – hell, I think even
some of the straightest guys in school would give him a tumble. They'd have to
be crazy not to, just look at him.
I take a deep breath and try to get myself to focus on my best friend and the
fact that there's something bothering him. We've been platonic since I've known
him, there's no reason I have to start getting all jumpy around him just
because we spent a lot of time together this summer. We're just friends, we'll
always be just friends and I care about him. So get it together, Merton.
"What's the problem?" I ask, daring to take a few steps closer to him. "Is it
about Lori?"
"What? No, what makes you say that?" he asks, looking up at me again only this
time he just looks confused.
"I just figured you might be thinking about getting back together with her," I
say, crossing my arms over my chest as I brace myself for his answer. "You
looked kind of uncomfortable today when we went over there, I thought you might
not be over her yet."
I watch as the confusion in his eyes is replaced by understanding, then he
starts to shake his head slowly. "No, Merton, I haven't been thinking about
getting back together with Lori. I mean it was kind of weird to see her again
since it's just been you and me all summer, but I wasn't thinking about asking
her out or anything."
"Okay," I say, working hard to keep my voice even as I wait for him to spit out
whatever's bugging him. "So what's the problem then?"
He sighs and looks away from me, and when he looks back it's the lost puppy
look again. "There's no problem. Forget it." He starts toward the door and
suddenly I'm the confused one. He's about to leave after coming over here and
telling me he's not interested in Lori anymore, but he won't tell me what's
bothering him. Tommy tells me everything, so right away I know it's gotta be
something big.
"Tommy, wait," I say, catching up to him just before he reaches the door and
grabbing his arm.
He turns toward me as soon as I touch him and looks down at me, his pupils are
dilated and there's just a hint of yellow around the edges of the perfect shade
of green. I feel my knees start to get weak again but then he's grabbing my
other arm and holding me up. For a minute we just stand there and stare at each
other, I can't even think about moving but this is the way a lot of my better
dreams start and I'm starting to get a little worried. Maybe there's something
wrong with him, maybe he's got some weird werewolf disease and he's seriously
losing it. "Tommy," I breathe, barely even registering the sound of my own
voice, "maybe…"
The rest is lost because the minute I start talking he tightens his grip on my
arm and pulls me toward him in one fluid motion, then his lips are on mine and
I let go of him to snake my arm around his waist. I don't even think when he
opens his mouth and slides his tongue out to lick my bottom lip, my brain's not
working with me anyway so I just part my lips and go for broke. And I swear
he's trying to suck my tongue right out of my mouth, he's got one hand on the
back of my head holding me in place and the other one's wandering down my back,
clutching at my shirt and working the fabric up over my skin.
A shiver wracks my whole body as soon as our tongues touch and I'm instantly
hard – I was starting to get there before he even walked in but now I'm ready
to go and from the feel of things Tommy is too. I wrap my other arm around his
waist and press on the small of his back, getting us as close as I possibly can
while his tongue keeps up its invasion of my mouth. I just know I'm gonna wake
up any second with my sheets stuck to me and an image of this burned into my
brain for the rest of the day, but God, it feels real and I don't remember
falling asleep. The way he's kissing me is different than all the other dreams
I've had, too – usually in my dreams he's kind of tentative at first, sexy but
a little unsure of himself. This time, though, it's like he can't get enough of
me. I feel his hand slide off my back but then a second later it's on my
stomach up under my shirt, and I swear I'm gonna burst out of my jeans if he
keeps it up. Then he starts backing me into the room and I grab onto the belt
loops of his pants, part of me wanting to speed things up and the rest of me
bracing for the second I wake up and it's all over.
We're halfway to my bed when he tears his mouth away from mine, he doesn't let
go of me right away but he doesn't look at me as he pants to catch his breath.
That's when I realize it's not a dream, because if it was he definitely
wouldn't have stopped and we'd have a lot less clothes on right now. I still
can't believe it's real, though, there's no way this is happening. I mean it's
Tommy, he's not into me. He's never given me one sign in the entire time I've
known him that he's into me. As soon as I think it he realizes he's still
holding onto me and jerks his hand away like my skin's burning him. "Oh, geez,
oh my god…Merton, I'm so sorry…"
Sorry. He just memorized my mouth with his tongue and he's fucking sorry? "What
the hell was that?" I ask him, reaching up to wipe my mouth with the back of my
hand.
"I don't know, I just…all day long I haven't been able to think about anything
else. Ever since we got to Lori's it's like all I've been able to think about
is you. I went home from the pizza place and tried to get my mind off you, I
even went running to try to shake it but I can't get you out of my mind."
"Tommy, are you sure you're talking to the right person here?"
"Hey, you kissed me back," he accuses. No denying that one, but that doesn't
help me be any less confused. I mean one minute we're best friends, hanging out
together all summer and not a single thing happens. Then his ex-girlfriend
comes back to town and he's all over me? It just doesn't add up.
"I know that," I say, I try to hide my disappointment that he didn't really
mean it but I can hear it in my voice anyway. He must hear it too because he
takes a few steps toward me and reaches out with one hand, his fingers just
hovering above my cheek like he's trying to decide whether or not to touch me.
"I'm really sorry," he whispers again just before he makes contact, watching
his fingers as they trail down my cheek. I shiver at his touch and close my
eyes just to focus on staying upright, then snap them right back open again
when his other hand lands on my chest. "I'm sorry about this, Merton. I can't…I
can't help it."
All I can do is stare at him as his hand gathers around the fabric at the front
of my shirt and pulls me forward, his lips literally crashing into mine. I gasp
against his mouth and his lips open, his tongue invading my mouth before I even
realize what's happening. Then we're moving again, we actually reach the bed
this time and I sit down hard at the edge of the mattress. He's down on his
knees in a second, pushing my legs apart and kneeling up to lock our lips
together again. My heart's pounding so hard against my chest that I swear it'll
explode any second, but if I die right now at least I'm gonna die draped in
Tommy.
His hands are on my chest again, working on the buttons of my shirt as he
continues his assault on my mouth. I bury my fingers in his hair, pulling him a
little closer. His words are still ringing in my head, over and over: I can't
help it. I tell myself I'll wonder what that means later because even if I
wanted to stop him to ask I know I couldn't. I'm completely out of control of
the situation, he's all over me and it's all I can do to kiss him back. My
mind's completely blown by the fact that my best friend is kissing me. Tommy's
tongue is in my mouth, and he's peeling my clothes off like a pro.
I have a fleeting thought of who he's done this with before, if I'm the first
or just the first guy. Because I know I've gotta be the first guy, he looked
weirded out enough when he apologized that there's no way he's been in this
situation before. My shirt slides down my arms and I pull my hands out of his
hair long enough to yank it off the rest of the way and toss it on the floor,
reaching for him again and tugging at his shirt. He tears his mouth away from
mine and I pull his shirt over his head, letting it hit the floor without ever
taking my eyes off him. I'm scared that he's gonna stop at any second, from the
look on his face he looks like he thinks he should but then he goes for the
button of my jeans and I realize he's not stopping anytime soon.
He eases my zipper down and slides one hand in and I don't know how I manage
not to come just from one touch. I close my eyes and bite down hard on my lip
as he pulls his hand out of my pants and reaches for my waistband, somehow
managing to lift my butt off the bed long enough for him to yank my jeans down.
He stops when they reach my thighs, my underwear going with them and leaving me
completely exposed. For a second I think this is it, this is where he's gonna
realize what's going on and get the hell out of here before he does anything
more he'll regret. Needless to say it shocks the hell out of me when he leans
over me and lets out a hot breath, sending another shiver down my spine before
he swallows me whole. I practically buck us both off the bed when his tongue
hits me but he grabs my hips and holds me down on the mattress, then his mouth
is moving up and down the length of my shaft and I'm clutching the sheets so
hard I know my knuckles must be as white as the fabric they're wrapped around.
"Christ, Tommy," I half-moan, half-gasp as he sucks hard and then I lose it, my
whole body jerking my release before I collapse back on the mattress. It takes
me a minute to catch my breath, but when I hear him muttering the same two
words over and over I pull myself together and sit up.
"Oh shit oh shit oh shit," he keeps saying over and over, his face is pale and
he's got one hand over his eyes like he's trying to pretend he didn't just give
me the most mind-blowing orgasm of my life. My heart falls a little as I
realize it took him about .03 seconds to start regretting this, so I slide off
the mattress to kneel in front of him. I reach up with one hand and pull his
hand away from his face, his eyes are still closed but that's okay. I cover his
mouth with mine, more gently this time as I take the lead and coax his lips
open. I can taste myself on his tongue and I feel myself starting to get hard
again already, but right now I'm completely focused on Tommy. When I feel him
start to respond to my kiss I reach between us and open his fly, sliding my
hand inside his boxers and wrapping my fingers around his erection.
"God, Merton," he mutters when I pull my mouth off his and start kissing his
neck. He tastes amazing, he's sweating from the temperature in the room and the
activity but even his sweat tastes kinda sweet. Leave it to Tommy Dawkins to
taste good even when he's on his knees getting jerked off by his best friend. I
start moving my hand a little faster and suck hard on his collarbone, it's
gonna leave a mark but nobody'll see it and it'll be gone before he has to
shower with the football team again. He starts shaking against me and then he
groans low in his throat and comes in my hand, gripping me harder as his whole
body tenses and then suddenly goes limp.
I pull back and kiss his eyelids, his cheeks and finally his lips again,
wishing I could just freeze this moment to keep forever. He looks totally
vulnerable, his eyes are still closed and his mouth's sort of half-open as he
tries to catch his breath and his forehead's resting against mine. I want to
ask him to stay, to climb into my bed and let me hold him all night. I'm scared
to talk, though, scared to move or do anything because I know – I know the
minute I remind him that it's me that just got him off he's gonna freak out and
probably never talk to me again. He was on the verge of freaking out before I
slid down on the floor with him, and if he hadn't been so pumped full of
endorphins he probably would have taken off before I recovered enough to stop
him.
Way too soon he remembers where he is and what just happened, his eyes flying
open as he pulls away from me and stands up. I'm kneeling on the floor with my
jeans still around my knees, no way to really save my dignity at this point so
I fall back on my butt and yank my pants back up before I stand up. He's
pulling his shirt back on and moving toward the door before I even get my jeans
buttoned, so I skip it and follow him to the door. "Don't you think we should
talk about this?" I ask, stopping him in his tracks.
"Jesus, Merton," he whispers, his back still to me as he runs his hands over
his face. Then he turns around and I know I should have been ready for it but I
never expected him to look so tortured. "I don't even know how to start talking
about this."
"Are we ever gonna talk again? About anything?" I ask, holding my breath while
I wait for him to tell me if we're still friends.
He looks up at me when he hears the pathetic tone in my voice, the look of
misery on his face tugging at my heart. His arms are moving at his sides like
he can't decide what to do with them, he's sort of rocking on his heels and
shuffling back and forth at the same time. Then he takes a step forward and
reaches up, resting one hand at the back of my neck as he finally meets my
eyes. "This is my fault, Merton. I don't know what happened…it was like I
couldn't stop myself. Just give me some time to figure out what's going on."
I nod as he pulls his hand away from my neck, taking his time and making it
hard for me to resist pulling him towards me and kissing him again. For some
reason he's got it in his head that he somehow took advantage of me, though,
that much is obvious from the guilty look on his face. I don't know how he
missed the fact that I was more than willing to go along for the ride, but
something tells me now's not the time to point it out. Whatever came over him
he's obviously freaked out, and I know him well enough not to push him before
he's ready to talk about it. Then he's backing away from me and pulling the
door open, locking eyes with me one more time before he pulls it shut and I'm
alone again.
When he's gone I take a deep breath and turn around, part of me wondering if I
just dreamt that whole thing. If I did it was one hell of a fantasy, but then I
look down and realize that he's still all over my hand. His scent is all over
me too, probably all over the bed and I won't get a wink of sleep tonight. I
sigh and cross to the bathroom to wash my hands before I throw myself down on
my bed to breathe in the scent of Tommy and wonder what the hell is going on.
~
When I open my eyes again and look over at the clock it's noon, and I wonder
what time I finally fell asleep. I spent most of the night lying awake in the
dark, replaying everything that happened with Tommy and wondering what the hell
happens next. Usually in a situation like this I'd talk about it with my best
friend, but Tommy made it clear that he wanted space to figure things out. I
had to give it to him, mostly because I was afraid if I pushed him on it he'd
never speak to me again. And I didn't want to lose my best friend, not even for
the most amazing sex I'd ever had. Okay, only sex I'd ever had, but it was what
I'd been fantasizing about for almost three years and I didn't want to do it
with anybody but Tommy. The thing was I'm pretty sure he hadn't so much wanted
to do it with me as needed to, and I'm guessing it's never going to happen
again.
I sigh and push myself up to a sitting position, running one hand over my bare
chest as I realize I fell asleep with my jeans on. I'm sure they're pretty rank
by now considering the dreams I'd been having since I fell asleep, so I stand
up to pull them off before I cross to the bathroom. I toss my clothes in the
pile of laundry and turn the shower on cold, frowning at the thought of another
cold shower but knowing it was the only way to get out of the lair today
without humiliating myself. Not that I actually have anywhere to go. Tommy
isn't speaking to me and that means he'll probably go to Lori's, so I can't go
see what she's doing. I resign myself to going down to the comic book store and
poking around for awhile to kill a little time and step into the cold water,
shivering and then bracing myself against the cold.
After I wash the gel out of my hair and rinse off all traces of Tommy I dry off
and tie a towel around my waist, pushing my wet hair back from my face and
walking back into the lair. I pull open a drawer and dig around for a clean
pair of underwear and then a pair of black pants and my favorite black shirt.
It's not until I hear a throat clear that I realize I'm not alone, and I turn
too fast to find Tommy sitting on the edge of my bed watching me. "Geez, Tommy,
give a guy a heart attack!" I snap, my face flushing.
"Sorry," he says, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his thighs.
"What are you doing here?" I ask when my heart stops racing, forgetting my
clothes in a pile on the top of my dresser. "I thought you were off thinking
about things."
"I stayed up 'thinking about things' all night," he answers, and this time I
don't try to tell myself he's not checking me out. I mean I'm standing in front
of him in a towel, and after last night's little performance it's not that
surprising. It's still weird that Tommy's checking me out, but I'm not gonna
try and talk him out of it. Then he stands up and starts walking towards me,
he's talking again but I'm having a hard time focusing on what he's saying.
"And the thing is, I can't stop thinking about us."
So now there's an us, that's an interesting turn of events. I don't have a lot
of time to think about what that means, though, because he's standing right in
front of me now, and suddenly I'm very aware of the fact that I'm only wearing
a towel. Guess he is too because he reaches out and runs one finger down the
center of my chest, making my throat go dry when he stops at the knot in the
towel and curls his hand around it.
"Oh yeah?" I say as nonchalantly as possible, like I'm not turned on by the
fact that he's got one hand on my hipbone and the other one working its way
under my towel.
"I can't help it," he says again, same thing he said last night. I look down at
his chest for a second just to get away from that intense stare and see the
spot on his collarbone where I marked him. It's already a dark bruise and I
reach out and touch it gingerly, not wanting to hurt him but wanting to make
sure he was really there. Part of me still wants to know what he means when he
says he can't help it, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm not gonna like
the answer. Then his hand leaves my hip and slides under my chin, forcing me to
look him in the eyes again. "Merton…are you going to hate me forever if we…you
know. Just one more time."
I can't say anything, I can't even think about finding my voice. All I can
think is, 'holy shit, Tommy Dawkins is using me for sex!' Somewhere in the back
of my head is a little voice that reminds me how much I'm gonna regret all this
when it's over, when he's finally got his fill of whatever he suddenly finds so
attractive in me. I can't look him in the eyes and tell him no, though, not
when he's standing there asking me. Me, he wants to sleep with me again. Maybe
if I'm really good I can negotiate another 'one more time'. Maybe if we do it
more than once in the same day it doesn't count.
He must figure me not saying anything means I'm okay with his proposition
because he smiles all sweet before he leans in and kisses me again. There's
nothing gentle about it, either – it's like he's trying to swallow me whole
before I even get any of his clothes off. I start on his pants first because
taking his shirt off means we have to stop kissing, and I'm not ready to do
that yet. Gotta see what I can do about getting this boy to wear a button-down
every once in awhile. I push his jeans down his thighs and he kicks his way out
of them, then he pulls away from me and for a second I think he's gonna change
his mind again. He just smiles at me again and reaches for his shirt, tossing
it over his shoulder to join his jeans. At least it'll be easy for him to find
his clothes when he decides to get dressed and run out on me again.
My face clouds for a second as that thought crosses my mind but then he's on me
again, yanking the towel down over my hips until it finally pulls free and hits
the floor. He reaches up and grabs the sides of my face, tilting my head at an
angle so he can better explore my mouth with that amazing tongue of his. Then
his hands are in my hair, pushing through it and sending droplets of freezing
water down my back. "God, you look sexy when you're wet," he murmurs against my
mouth, and once again I wonder if I'm even going to need him to touch me before
I come. I swear he could talk me to orgasm without ever lifting a finger.
His boxers are still on, though, so I rectify that situation before I start
backing him toward my bed again, thanking God that I cleaned the lair the day
before so we don't have anything to trip over but ourselves. We both hit the
mattress at once, and somehow Tommy flips us over so he's on top of me,
grinding against my hip and thrusting one of his legs between mine. I tear my
mouth away from his and gasp as he buries his face in my neck, murmuring
something incoherent. It's enough that the vibrations from his voice are
sending shock waves of heat and pleasure up and down my spine, and I lick my
palm and reach between us, grabbing hold of him. He twitches in my hand and
gasps against my neck, then I feel vaguely sharp teeth bearing down on my skin.
That and the rocking of his leg against my crotch is enough to set me off, and
I tense and close my hand most likely too hard on him, but I can't control
myself. I can't do anything but hold onto him and wait until I stop shaking,
but he's still moving and then he's arching into me, coming into my hand for
the second time in less than a day. When he stops shaking he rolls off me, his
eyes open as he stares at the ceiling and tries to catch his breath. I just lie
there next to him, trying not to focus on the fact that our arms are still
touching. I know he's gonna realize what we just did any second now, then he's
gonna get up and get dressed and run out of here as fast as he can. I won't
even say anything this time, I'll just lie here and let him go. It'll be easier
that way, then I won't even have to see the regret in his eyes. I can just keep
my eyes closed until he's gone.
Then he moves against me and I swallow hard and close my eyes, figuring this is
the part where he freaks out and runs away. I feel his weight shift and I'm
expecting him to get up, but when he turns toward me and I feel his hand in my
hair I open my eyes and look up at him. "This is crazy," he says, but he's
kinda smiling this time. So I figure he must have found a way to come to some
kind of peace with what happened last night, because from the looks of things
he's not planning to run out any time soon.
"It's certainly unexpected," I say. I'm trying to keep my cool here but his
fingers feel amazing in my hair and I can feel the heat radiating off him. I
still can't believe that Tommy Dawkins is in my bed, naked, at the same time as
me. It just doesn't add up. There's no denying he's here, though, even if he
wasn't touching me I can smell him everywhere. I want to ask him what this
means, if he's going to keep showing up looking for sex and if he expects me to
keep putting out without ever talking about what's happening between us. I
can't ask him any of that, though, because what if he says that yes, that's
exactly what he expects? What the hell would I say to that?
"I don't know what's wrong with me," he says. His hand's still moving in my
hair and I have to reach up and catch him by the wrist. Not that I don't want
him touching me, I'm just scared that if he keeps it up I'm gonna tackle him
again and I don't know if I should be encouraging this. I mean I want it – God
knows I want it but he kinda seems like he's not that sure. He looks down at me
when I grab his wrist and sighs, I don't know what kind of reaction I was
expecting but instead of letting go of his hand I pull it to my chest and hold
it there. "I tried to control myself, Merton. I really tried to stay away, but
it's harder to control than wolfing out even. It's like somebody…"
His eyes get all wide and suddenly he's sitting up, pulling away from me and
leaving me feeling cold. I follow him up, can't help it, don't even try. I'm
pathetic when it comes to Tommy, I've let him toss me on the bed and have his
way with me twice and I haven't even asked him yet if this means we're going
steady. I start to laugh a little at my own joke but he shoots me a look and I
recover. "Like somebody what?" I ask, knowing he's waiting for me to ask him
what brilliant conclusion he's leapt to this time.
"Like somebody put a spell on us," he says, and I have to work even harder to
stifle a laugh. Once I start thinking about it, though, it almost makes sense.
I mean considering the crazy things that happen to us it's possible, but why
someone would want to put a spell on Tommy to make him want me I'll never know.
I'd like to shake their hand, maybe buy them a fruit basket or possibly a new
car, but I couldn't think of a good reason for it. One thing's for sure – I
didn't need anybody casting a spell on me to make me want him, but I'm not
about to tell him that.
"Maybe you're right," I answer as seriously as possible. "I could get online
and see what I can find out about…what would you call this? Lust or insanity?"
I grin at him and it relaxes him a little, but then his eyes get kinda dark and
he reaches for me again. Our lips just barely touch before he pulls back and
sighs, his eyes closed as he hangs his head. "Damn it! I don't get why it's so
hard to fight."
"Some spells are stronger than others."
"Yeah, but I can control the wolf. I should be able to control…whatever this
is," he says, frustration obvious in his voice. I have to stop myself from
touching him because as much as I want to, I know he thinks for whatever reason
we shouldn't be doing what we've been doing. Okay, so I know the reason. Tommy
Dawkins isn't into guys. Except that's not what his body's been telling me for
the past 24 hours.
"Look, Tommy, you've been the wolf for a few years now, you've had time to get
used to it. You know, learn how to control it. This thing just started
yesterday, it's not that surprising. Remember how hard it was for you to
control the wolf at first?"
He sighs but then he looks up at me and smiles, and I swear to God my heart
breaks right in half. I can actually feel it cracking, like that sound icebergs
make on those nature documentaries. "I don't know what I'd do without you,
Merton."
I stop myself from telling him that if we actually do find a cure for this
spell or whatever it is that he might just find out. I don't want to say it out
loud, not yet. It probably hasn't dawned on him yet that once he stops feeling
strange urges toward his best friend that he might have a hard time looking me
in the eye, and I really don't want to be the one to point it out to him.
Especially considering when he does stop having those urges he might just
realize that I never really seemed freaked out by the whole thing. Alright, so
I was a little freaked out at first by the idea that Tommy would actually want
me, but once he has some time to think about it I know he'll be able to tell.
I'll never be able to look at him again without knowing what it's like to touch
him, and there's no way we can go back to being just friends.
Instead of pointing out any of that to him I swing my legs over the edge of the
bed and stand up, careful not to look back at him until I pull on a pair of
pants. I need another shower already and for a second I consider mentioning it
just to see if I can get Tommy in my shower with me, but when I look back over
at him he's already pulling his clothes back on. It's just as well, I mean it's
not really fair of me to take advantage of him this way. Pretty funny, huh – me
taking advantage of Tommy. I mean he's the one that keeps showing up and
tearing all our clothes off, but I still feel like I'm pulling one over on my
best friend. When I'm dressed I head over to the computer and log onto the
internet, and right away he's right behind me, leaning over me like he always
does when we're looking for answers on how to fight bad guys.
The supernatural phenomena web site starts loading but I can barely focus on
the screen because I can feel him pressed against me, his chest against my
shoulder and one of his hands resting on the small of my back. That's new –
he's never touched me before while we're surfing the net. Not that I'm
complaining, but it's a little distracting when he leans even closer and
presses his face into my hair. I know I should ask him what he thinks he's
doing, maybe even ask him to stop so we can get on with it. I can't help it
that I'm weak, though, and to tell you the truth I don't really want him to
stop. In fact I don't really want to find a way to reverse the spell that's on
him but I know I have to. Although the idea of Tommy as my personal sex slave
is appealing it would be a lot more fun if he wasn't trying so hard to fight
it.
I sigh and start reading the witchcraft FAQ looking for any mention of a spell
that could have this kind of affect on Tommy. When he hears me sigh he pulls
his face away from my hair, and just for a second I start breathing normally
again. "Do you think you're gonna find anything that'll help?"
"If anybody knows about this stuff it's the girl that runs this site," I
answer. "If there's nothing in the FAQ I'll log into the chat room and see if
anybody's around that knows anything."
I go back to reading but as soon as I do he leans into me again, only this time
I feel his lips connect with my back at the top of my spine. Maybe I should've
put a shirt on, but suddenly I'm glad I didn't because he's got his hands on my
shoulders and his mouth's moving towards my neck. I shiver and let out a little
whimper – I can't help it, his hands are kneading my shoulder blades now and
he's sucking on my neck just below my ear. That's definitely gonna leave a mark
but if he thinks about it he must not care that he's leaving it where anybody
can see. I close my eyes and forget all about the research I'm supposed to be
doing, just concentrating on the intense pleasure mingled with pain that's
centered on my neck.
"Werewolf, Tommy, not vampire," I gasp when he starts getting a little over-
enthusiastic. He must be getting close to wolfing out because I can feel his
fangs starting to press against my skin. It turns me on that I can make him
lose control like that but I'm not looking for him to actually draw blood. I'm
not that kinky. Well, not until we get a little more comfortable with
this…whatever, anyway.
He pulls away from me and spins my chair around, breathing hard as he kneels in
front of me and runs his hands up my chest. "Sorry," he says, pulling me
forward in the chair while he talks. "Guess I got a little carried away."
"Don't mention it," is all I manage to get out before he cuts me off, then his
tongue's in my mouth again. I reach out automatically and thread my fingers in
his hair, my heart pounding and blood rushing to places I didn't even know I
had. I'm fighting to think here and meanwhile my best friend's trying to crawl
into my lap. I've wanted this practically since I laid eyes on him – I always
thought I had a decent imagination but I've imagined this a thousand times and
it was never this hot or this intense, there's no way I could have known how
soft Tommy's lips are or how his hands alone would set my skin on fire. And I
know I'm never gonna get enough, it'll all be over soon and then we'll be back
to 'just friends' if I'm lucky, if I'm not we'll be nothing to each other
anymore and still it won't be enough.
I know I'm gonna think about this every night when I close my eyes from now on,
every time I get bored in school and my mind wanders I'll be remembering the
way his hands feel on my skin and the way he tastes. Every time I see him,
whether we're still friends or he's pretending he doesn't know me anymore, I'm
gonna remember this moment. Tommy kneeling between my legs, his fingers blazing
a pattern in my chest and his mouth hot and wet and perfect against mine. I
never want to let go of him, I don't even want this kiss to end because I know
when it does I have to start thinking about finding a way to get him back to
normal. No matter how bad I want him he's still my best friend, and I have to
watch his back. That's what he'd do for me.
As soon as that thought occurs to me a sob catches in my throat, catching me
off guard and choking me as I pull back and start coughing. I know my face is
bright red but I can't see anything, I feel his hands on my thighs but my eyes
are filling with tears and I'm not sure if it's from choking or something else.
"Merton? Are you alright? Do you want some water or something?" he asks me, but
all I can do is shake my head and wait until I can breathe again. I reach up to
wipe my eyes but he beats me to it, running his thumbs under my eyes and drying
my cheeks with his palms. I lose my breath all over again when I finally focus
on him and see the look on his face – he's watching me like he's scared to
death that somehow he hurt me. He just might when we find a cure for this spell
he's fallen under but I can't tell him that, no matter how much I want to I
can't tell him how I feel about him.
"I'm okay," I answer when I catch my breath again, catching his hand and
pulling it away from my face. I know I probably shouldn't do it but it might be
the last time I ever get to. Every time I kiss him might be the last time, I
realize as I lean forward and press my lips to his again, keeping it slow and
sweet the way I always imagined it would be with him. When I pull away again
he's still got that look in his eyes like he's afraid he's gonna break me,
though, and I know if I don't get him out of here I'll say something I'll
regret. "Tommy, I…I can't concentrate on finding a cure with you doing this."
"You're right," he says, but he doesn't look like he's in a hurry to get up.
Then his hand's on my face again and he's just sort of stroking my cheek, I'm
not sure what's going on in his mind but I can't bring myself to make him stop.
Like I said, this could be the last time we do this and the way he's looking at
me right now is different than anything I've ever seen from him before. "I just
wish…"
"What?" I ask, I know I'm breathless but I don't care. I lean forward and we're
closer than ever now, I can feel his chest rising and falling with every breath
he takes.
For a minute he just looks at me like he's trying to memorize my face or
something, but then he looks away and clears his throat and I know it's over.
"Nothing, forget it. Tell you what, I'll go get us some food and then you can
concentrate while I'm gone."
"Yeah, okay," I answer, slumping down in my chair again as I watch him turn
around and walk out of the lair. For a minute I just sit there and stare at the
door, focusing on the fact that I can still feel his lips on mine. My neck's
throbbing a little and my breathing's still ragged but I finally make myself
turn around and try to focus on the words on my computer screen again. There's
nothing in the FAQ that explains what's happening to Tommy, though, so I click
on the link for the site's chat room and wait for it to load. While I'm waiting
my eyes wander to the edge of my keyboard and I see the good luck charm that
Lori gave me yesterday. I pick it up and hold it in front of me, shaking my
head again as I think to myself that only Lori would buy us chicken feet with
fake blood on them and call it a souvenir.
It takes a few minutes for it to dawn on me, but when it finally does I can't
believe I didn't realize it before. I turn back to my computer and log out of
the chat room, doing a quick search on voodoo symbols and traditions. I find
what I'm looking for on the first page I visit, and as much as I want to be mad
I can't help respecting her a little for actually pulling it off. I stand up
and shove the charm in my pocket, grabbing my Marilyn Manson shirt and pulling
it over my head before I left myself out of the lair and head over to Lori's.
When I get there she pulls the door open and smiles at me with this look that
kinda says, "What took you so long?" I follow her upstairs to her bedroom
without saying anything, but as soon as she shuts the door and turns to face me
she starts talking. "I was wondering how long it would take you to figure it
out," she says, taking a seat on her bed like what's happening is no big deal.
"So it worked, huh? Cool."
For a minute I can't think of anything to say, I can feel my mouth open and
close but I can't get my brain to work with me. Finally I reach into my pocket
and pull her voodoo charm out, tossing it on the bed next to her.
"What…how…what is that?"
"Merton, calm down. Take a deep breath, you're going to hyperventilate." Then
she smirks at me – she actually fucking smirks like she thinks it's funny that
she just ruined the best thing I ever had in my life. She stands up again and
walks over to me, grabbing my arm and pulling me down on her bed next to her.
"You're making way too big a deal out of this."
"Too big a deal out of what?" I ask, suddenly wondering exactly how much she
knows about what's gone on. I mean, it's one thing for her to mess with me and
Tommy, it's not even so bad that she figured out I have a thing for him. But
she doesn't need to know the details.
She makes a sound in her throat like I'm wasting her time and leans toward me,
pulling the collar of my shirt back a little and touching the bruise that's
already forming on my neck. "Give me a break, Merton. You're not fooling
anybody. Now tell me what happened, I want all the details."
"No way," I tell her, pulling away from her and trying to cover my new hickey
with my shirt collar. "I didn't come over here to give you a play-by-play. Why
do you want to hear about your ex-boyfriend making out with another guy anyway?
Most girls would be kinda freaked out by that."
She shrugs and picks up the charm, turning it over in her hand before she looks
back up at me. "Look, Merton, I know how you feel about Tommy. I mean come on,
I've known you guys for awhile now and it's not like you're exactly great at
hiding it. Tommy's clueless but that's Tommy."
"So you what…you wanted to out me to him? You wanted to let me see what I was
missing and then let him go back to normal? Or you just wanted to make sure he
hated me forever. Which one? Or all of the above?" I know I sound bitter but I
can't help it, I can't think of any other reason she'd do it.
"No, it was nothing like that, Merton, I swear," she says, she looks like she
means it but I can never tell with her. "The thing is…"
She stops talking when her mom yells up the stairs. "Lori, Tommy's here."
"Shit, what's he doing here?" I say, I'm sure my panic's showing on my face but
she just grabs my arm and drags me toward her closet.
"It'll be okay, just get in there and shut up," she hisses. I can already hear
him climbing the stairs as she opens the closet door and pushes me in, but I
can't get my brain to work fast enough to decide if this is a good idea. The
door closes on me while my mouth's still hanging open, then I hear her bedroom
door open and Tommy's voice as he walks into the room.
"Have you seen Merton?" he asks, and I wish she'd left the door cracked a
little so I could see him while they talk. He still has no idea what's going
on, but for some reason he came over here looking for me. Half of me wishes
Lori would just tell him the truth, but the rest of me is terrified of what
will happen when she does.
"No, Tommy, haven't seen him since yesterday." The girl lies like a pro, I'll
give her that.
I hear him sigh and I picture him the way he was earlier, kneeling in front of
me and looking up at me like there's something he wants to say but he doesn't
know how. Then he starts talking again and I force myself to pay attention – if
I'm gonna be stuck in Lori's closet at least I can make good use of my time.
"He was supposed to wait for me at the lair. I just went out to get us
something to eat while he did some research, but when I got back he was gone. I
think I screwed up, Lori."
"With Merton? No you didn't, Tommy. Merton's your best friend, there's no way
you could screw that up."
"No, I really did," he says, and I have to bite my lip hard to keep myself from
going out there and telling him the whole truth. I hate thinking that he thinks
he screwed up, even if I know I'm gonna end up the one hurt I can't stand to
hear that much regret in his voice. I can't do it, though, because I know if I
walk out there right now he'll jump to all the wrong conclusions and it'll just
make everything worse.
"Just tell me what happened," Lori says. I make a mental note to kill her later
for using Tommy's confusion to get details about our sex life out of him. If
you can call the past 24 hours a sex life, that is.
I hear somebody stand up and then start pacing, and I can just picture him
walking back and forth on her carpet with one hand clasped behind his neck.
He's probably chewing on his lip the way he does when he's worried about
something, and I wonder if I'm ever gonna get to actually see him do that again
after today. "I don't even know how it happened. It was like after we came over
here yesterday something just came over me, like a spell or something. I have
no idea who would want to put a spell on us to make us…I just couldn't help it,
I kept pushing it on him because I couldn't stop myself."
I can just picture Lori's face while he's telling her this, he hasn't actually
told her anything yet but she already knows so he's more or less just filling
in blanks. I'm dying to know why she did it, so in a way I want her to tell him
just so I can hear the explanation. Then again, if she'd just get rid of him I
could get out of her damn closet and she could tell me herself.
"Look, Tommy, you didn't mess up anything with Merton," she says. "And nobody
put a spell on you. Do you remember that good luck charm I brought you from New
Orleans?"
"Yeah, sure," he answers, and from the sounds of it he reaches into his pocket
and produces it. Guess that explains our little performance in my bedroom this
afternoon, he's had it on him this whole time. "What about it?"
She sighs and I wish again that I could see them – this standing in the dark
not knowing what's happening is driving me crazy. "Well I kind of lied. It's
not really a good luck charm, it's a voodoo fetish. My aunt's lived in New
Orleans most of her life and she's learned a lot about the local culture. She
knows a few basics and she introduced me to a friend of hers that's a voodoo
priestess. I told her all about you and Merton and she helped me make these for
you."
"Lori, what the hell are you talking about?" he asks. Good question, I'd love
to know the answer myself. "Why would you want to tell a voodoo priestess about
me and Merton?"
"Because I'm tired of seeing my two best friends be completely miserable. I
knew you were never going to admit it to yourself without some help, you get so
hung up on doing the right thing and keeping up your image at school. I know
it's because you've already got so many secrets but you deserve to be happy,
you know. Not to mention poor Merton, he's been suffering in silence for years
now."
I want to die right then and there, I should have known if she'd mess around
with putting spells on her best friends that she'd spell it all out for Tommy
but that doesn't make it any easier to listen to her do it. She's gonna tell
him I've wanted him since the day we met and he's never gonna speak to me
again, and there's nothing I can do about it. There's no question now, I have
to kill her. Sure, it'll leave me completely friendless but at this point I
think it's worth it.
"Merton suffering? I don't follow you." He's pretty cute when he's clueless,
isn't he? I mean yeah, sometimes it's a little frustrating to explain stuff to
him in a way he'll understand but he's so damn adorable when he's confused that
I don't even mind.
Evidently Lori doesn't share my blind devotion to him because when she sighs it
sounds like she's already frustrated. Heh, just goes to show who's Tommy's true
best friend. It takes me a lot more than that to get annoyed with him. "Do you
remember that time last year when we were still going out, and you took me to
see Scream 3? Then afterwards we came back here and hung out to watch TV. It
was right before we broke up."
"Yeah, I remember." I'm not sure I really want to hear them walk down memory
lane where their relationship is concerned, but given the circumstances I don't
have a lot of choice.
"We were making out on the couch, remember? I don't know where your head was or
if you were just distracted by trying not to wolf out and let it slip, but you
called me Merton."
I cover my mouth with my hand quick so he doesn't hear me gasp, but it sounds
like he's doing the exact same thing. For a long time they're both quiet, but
when he finally starts talking again he sounds a little flustered. "I was
probably just thinking about school or something," he stammers, which makes me
smile because that's probably the lamest excuse I've ever heard for calling
your girlfriend by your best friend's name. "That doesn't mean anything, Lori."
"Come on, Tommy," she says, and I can tell by the sound of her voice that she's
laughing. Guess she's had awhile to come to terms with all of this, because
most girls would be ready to scratch his eyes out right now. "We were making
out on my couch in an empty house and you were thinking about school? That
doesn't do a lot to help your case here. Why don't you just admit it? You've
got a thing for Merton."
"No," he says. I close my eyes and tell myself I knew he was going to say that.
I mean even if it was true, which it isn't, he wouldn't just admit it like
that. The past couple days was just that fetish she gave him, I know better
than to think it has anything to do with me. "You're crazy, Lori. It's some
kind of spell."
"It's not a spell. Well, not exactly, anyway. I should know, I'm the one that
did it. Look, this fetish can't make you do anything you don't want to do. All
it does is intensify desire, free up inhibitions a little. It can't change the
feelings you already have. It just gave you a push, that's all."
It's about all I can do at this point not to fall over and give myself away.
The only thing that keeps me standing is the fear that if Tommy finds out I'm
listening he'll never admit the truth and then everything between us really
will be over. Even if we can still be friends after the past two days that
would all be over if he knew I was standing in Lori's closet listening to every
word they're saying. I don't want to believe what she's saying, though, I mean
part of me does but part of me wants to tell her she's crazy too. How could she
know that Tommy has a thing for me and I never noticed? It can't be true.
"A push."
"Yeah, a push," she says, laughter creeping back into her voice and I can only
guess he's doing cute-and-confused again. "Think about it, Tommy. Whatever's
happened between you and Merton since I came home wasn't totally out of the
blue. Can you really look me in the eye and tell me that you've never thought
about what it would be like to kiss him before?"
"Yes. No. Okay, fine, maybe I've thought about it but that doesn't mean
anything. I mean everybody wonders, right?"
She sighs again and this time I feel her pain – usually clueless Tommy is my
favorite Tommy but sometimes it gets a little old. "I don't know about
everybody, but I know that Merton would lay down his life for you. He's crazy
about you, Tommy. Just like you're crazy about him."
"I'm not…"
"There's not point in denying it," she says, talking right over him like he
didn't say a word. "I know you, Tommy. Look, if you don't believe me I can
prove it to you. Just leave the fetish here and stay away from Merton until
tomorrow afternoon. Just 24 hours away from him, the affects of the fetish will
have worn off by then and when you see him again it'll just be you and whatever
you really feel for Merton. Then you can decide if you want to continue what I
started or if you want to just pretend it never happened and go back to being
just his friend."
"Lori…"
"Shut up, Tommy. Just go home and stay away from Merton for 24 hours. Okay?"
He says something else but I can hear his voice moving away even though I can't
make out whatever he mutters, so I know he's leaving. I hear her door open and
the two of them go downstairs, I wait a few minutes to make sure the coast is
clear before I open the closet door and look over at her bed. One of the
fetishes is still there, but I don't know where the other one is. I start to
panic when it dawns on me that he might have forgotten and taken it with him,
or maybe he chose to hold onto it for some other reason.
"Relax," I hear Lori say from behind me. She walks around me and picks up the
fetish on her bed, dropping it in her other hand next to Tommy's. "They're both
here, and I promise I won't interfere anymore. Whatever happens between you
guys now is up to you."
I shake my head, trying to make sense of everything I just heard. It just
doesn't seem real, Tommy having a thing for me but denying it even to himself?
"I still don't get why you did it, Lori. And if you knew I was already into
Tommy why'd you give me one of those things too?"
She smiles at me and pulls a drawer open on her nightstand, dropping the
fetishes inside and closing it again. "I couldn't bring Tommy a present and not
bring you something too. Besides, the magic helped you let go of your
inhibitions, loosened you up a little. You know? I figured it would help you
guys speed things along."
"Oh, it sped things along alright," I say, but I'm not really looking at her
anymore. My mind's already on tomorrow and what Tommy's going to say to me when
he sees me again. If he ever speaks to me again.
"Look, Merton, just go home, try to relax, get some sleep. Tommy will come
around, I know he will. He's as crazy about you as you are about him. Trust
me."
"Trust you," I repeat, laughing a little at the thought of ever trusting her
again after what she pulled. Then again if it works out the way she thinks…but
I'm not getting my hopes up, I already told myself I wouldn't.
She grins a little wider and grabs my arm, pushing my toward the door. "Merton,
go home. I'll talk to you in a few days."
I don't bother to argue as she drags me down the stairs and opens the front
door for me. I can't even get my brain to work enough to say goodbye, let alone
try to get more information out of her. The past two days just seems like a
weird dream and I keep expecting to wake up and find Lori still back in New
Orleans and me and Tommy still just best friends. Somehow I manage to find my
way home but I know there's no way I'm getting any sleep tonight. I think about
going to The Factory just to kill time, but I know that'll just make it worse.
Thinking about Tommy or being anywhere that reminds me of him is a bad idea,
especially tonight.
Finally I give up trying to think of some way to kill time and throw myself
down on the couch, flipping through the channels until I find an old monster
movie on cable. Thankfully there's not a werewolf in sight, it's zombies or
something but I'm not actually paying attention to the plot. All I care about
is that there's a marathon on and I don't have to drive myself crazy wondering
what Tommy's thinking.
I don't know when I finally fell asleep but when I wake up the TV's still on
and I'm still wearing the same clothes I had on yesterday. I look over at the
clock and realize it's still early – well it's noon but Lori said 24 hours and
that means I technically can't start obsessing about seeing Tommy for at least
another few hours. Who am I kidding, though – he's not gonna show up when 24
hours are up and tell me he really is crazy about me. That only happens to
other people, it doesn't happen to me.
So I'm not waiting for anything, I have to convince myself that I'm definitely
not waiting around for Tommy to show up. There have to be a million things I
can do, I've gotta pick out my clothes for school on Monday, I could stand to
re-alphabetize my CDs, I could rearrange my sock drawer, then there are those
updates I've been meaning to do to the Gothic Fantasy Guild web site. There are
plenty of things I can do that don't even come close to falling into the
'obsessing about Tommy' category.
I start with a shower, take my time picking out something to wear because I
might as well look my best while I'm reorganizing my life. Not that I'm
expecting anybody to stop by, because I'm not. Then it's on to my CDs,
alphabetizing them should take at least half an hour and then I've got to break
them up into categories. After that I can always re-alphabetize them all over
again by title and by the time I'm finished with that I'm about to crawl out of
my skin just from not thinking about him. When I'm done picking out clothes for
the first day of school I decide to spend the rest of my afternoon plotting
Lori's death. It is her fault I'm driving myself crazy wondering if Tommy's
ever going to speak to me again, after all, so it's only fair that she should
have to suffer too.
I'm still trying to decide between a slow, painful drowning or something messy
yet stylish like a crossbow when the door to the lair swings open. I don't even
have to look up to know who it is, I can tell it's him before he even closes
the door. Of course Tommy's pretty much the only person that just lets himself
into my room without at least knocking first, but considering what's been going
on lately I'm almost surprised he doesn't knock. I push myself up on my bed and
watch as he shuts the door and crosses the room. It crosses my mind as he stops
next to my bed and sits down on the edge of the mattress that it hasn't been 24
hours yet, but I can't point that out to him because he doesn't know I was
there when he talked to Lori.
"Hey," he says, not a terrific first line but I'll cut him some slack
considering he's probably nervous. He is about to break my heart, after all.
That's what I keep telling myself, anyway, because if I let myself start
thinking anything else it'll hurt worse when I'm wrong.
"Hey," I answer. So much for my own powers of conversation. "Sorry I took off
yesterday, I got a lead on this whole thing and I wanted to track down some
answers." It's close enough to the truth to not quite qualify as a lie, anyway.
He nods and looks down at his hands for a minute, turning them over in his lap
like he's trying to think of something to say. Part of me wants to just tell
him I know, that I was at Lori's and I know what she told him. I can't do it,
though, maybe that makes me a coward but I can live with that. Tommy's always
been the brave one anyway, I'm just the sidekick.
"It's okay, Merton." He finally looks up again and my breath catches in my
throat as our eyes meet. There's fear in his eyes and a little of that regret
from yesterday but there's something new there now, something I don't want to
let myself believe.
"Tommy, are you okay?" I ask him, mainly because I can't think of anything else
to say without giving away what I'm not supposed to know.
"I think so," he answers, then he runs his hands through his hair and I can't
stop myself from remembering the way he touched me just the day before. I have
to look away and focus on the floor to keep myself from getting hard just
thinking about it. Now is definitely not the time for more Tommy fantasies, not
when he's sitting on my bed and looking like his dog just died. "I hope so,
anyway. Look, Merton, I know what's been going on the past two days."
"You do?" My voice sounds kinda strangled and I look back over at him, I'm
hoping he just means what Lori told him but the longer this goes on the more
paranoid I get. I just wish he'd get it over with, tell me he just lost his
mind for a couple days and we can forget all about it. I know I won't be able
to forget it but I'm willing to pretend if it means I don't lose him
completely.
He shifts on the mattress so he's facing me and nods, he still looks nervous
but he's starting to look kinda determined too. "It wasn't a spell, I mean not
really. I wanted to believe that because I didn't want to deal with the truth.
But I've been thinking about it all night and I can't deny it anymore."
"Look, Tommy, it hasn't even been 24 hours yet," I hear myself say, realizing
too late what I just admitted. I sigh and steal a glance at him, he looks
shocked but he's not storming out or yelling so that's a good sign. He doesn't
need to know that I was there at the same time as him, it's enough that I admit
knowing what she told him. "I saw Lori yesterday too. That lead I wanted to
follow up? She told me all about what she learned over the summer. She told me
the 24 hour clause, too. In a couple hours…"
"In a couple hours I'll still feel the way I do right now." He inches a little
closer to me and I think for a second he's gonna touch me, but he lets his hand
fall on the sheets between us and rolls the cotton between his fingers while he
talks. "Lori was right, before she came home and started messing with our heads
it was already there. I just didn't want to deal with it."
I'm holding my breath the whole time he talks, just waiting for him to tell me
it can't happen again. When he doesn't say it I don't know what to think, it
almost sounds like he's saying…but he can't be. He can't actually have feelings
for me. I would have known, wouldn't I? The only thing I know for sure is that
he knows how I feel about him, thanks to Lori. I definitely have to finish
plotting her death later. "So now you want to deal with it?" I ask, working
hard to keep my voice steady.
He laughs but it sounds kind of shaky and I have to stop myself from touching
him just to make sure he's okay. It almost makes me wish I hung onto that
stupid charm of Lori's, if I still had mine he'd at least relax a little and
maybe we'd be where we were yesterday instead of having this conversation. I
know it's better this way, though, even if the answer's no I don't want him if
it's all a lie. It may surprise you to know that Merton Dingle has a little bit
of self-respect, but I do.
"Look, I'm sorry about yesterday. And the day before. It wasn't fair, I knew
what I was doing but it was like I just couldn't stop, you know?"
"You wanted to stop." It's not really a question but at the same time it is.
He bites his lip and looks down at his hand, he's twisted my sheet into a mess
of wrinkles but I don't know if he even notices because he looks right up at me
again. This time the only thing in his eyes is determination, and damn, it
looks good on him. "No, Merton. I didn't want to stop." His voice is lower than
usual and the sound of it makes my whole body flush. I'm sure my face is
turning red but I don't even care, all I can think about is the fact that he
didn't want to stop.
"What about now?" I ask, part of me worried that I'm pushing it. I have to know
why he's here, though, even if it's just to say "it was fun while it lasted".
"Now," he answers, moving even closer and reaching out, his hand gripping my
chin and his thumb tracing my lips, "now I still don't want to stop."
As soon as he says it I reach up and grab his wrist, pulling him toward me
before I have time to talk myself out of it. It's different this time when our
lips meet, the urgency's gone but in a way it's even more intense. His free
hand's bracing him against the mattress and his other hand's still caught in
mine, we're barely touching except for our mouths and the kiss is so slow that
my head actually starts to spin. It's totally different from the day before and
I realize that he was right about a few hours not changing anything. I mean
everything's changed since yesterday when we couldn't get our clothes off fast
enough but in a way it's better, it actually feels real for the first time
since Lori decided to play matchmaker.
"You're sure about this?" I ask when he pulls away to catch his breath. I know,
there I go pushing it again but I keep expecting him to snap out of it and take
off again when he realizes what he's doing.
He looks down at my hand still in his and smiles to himself before he looks
back up at me. "I'm sure. I know the last two days were partly because of what
Lori did, but it was more than that. All summer long it was just the two of us,
and even though I was too chicken to tell you how I felt it was okay as long as
I got to just hang out with you. I didn't want to admit why I didn't want the
summer to end but we both know the reason."
My pulse starts racing as soon as he starts talking and I want to pinch myself
to make sure I'm not dreaming. All summer long he felt the same thing I did,
and it doesn't even matter that we never said anything about it until Lori
pulled her little trick. He's here now, he's still looking at me with that look
in his eyes I can't quite place and then he's grinning and leaning forward
again to kiss me. I pull him backwards with me onto the mattress, taking my
time for once. The first couple times we did this it was over way too fast, he
was running on who knows how many months of denial and I don't think I could
have slowed him down if I'd wanted to.
This time it's different, though – this time he's taking his time too, his
hands are moving under my shirt but he's moving slow and I start to wonder if
anyone's ever died from this kind of torture. I started getting hard the minute
he started talking and by the time he finally kissed me I thought even that
might be enough, but he's torturing me with his hands on my stomach and chest
now and even if the pace does kill me I don't think I'll mind. Finally I work
his shirt up to his armpits and he pulls back to slide it off, I take the
opportunity to pull my shirt over my head too before he leans back over me
again. For a second he looks like he's going for my mouth again, but then he
stops and runs his finger along the outside of my neck.
"Oh, man, Merton," he breathes in that voice of his, "I can't believe it took
me so long to see it. Did you know this whole time?"
I won't tell him I love him, not yet. Maybe he already knows, but then again
maybe it'll take him awhile to get that piece of the puzzle. It's okay, though,
I'm used to confused Tommy so I can be patient while he figures it out. As long
as he doesn't change his mind about us before he figures it out I'll wait as
long as it takes.
"Yeah, I knew," I answer, sliding one hand behind his neck to pull him back
down toward me.
So I fell in love with the guy, it's not so surprising. When he finally figures
it out I'll just tell him the truth: I couldn't help it.
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