Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/189364.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Star_Trek:_Alternate_Original_Series_(Movies)
  Relationship:
      Pavel_Chekov/Leonard_McCoy
  Character:
      Leonard_McCoy, Pavel_Chekov
  Additional Tags:
      Daddy_Kink, Age_Play
  Stats:
      Published: 2010-05-10 Words: 8702
****** By Proxy ******
by MaxWrite
Summary
     Leonard figures out what Pavel needs from him and gets exactly what
     he needs in the process.
"I've been meaning to ask you," Leonard said as he stepped around to his side
of the bed and sat next to Pavel, "how the hell you managed to make it out of
the Academy with your virginity intact?"
Pavel looked over at him and blinked those big, ever-questioning eyes while he
chewed a mouthful of tangerine.
"I mean … well, look at you," Leonard added.
Pavel swallowed and cocked his head. "What does this mean, look at me?"
"Come on, you know you're adorable."
Pavel frowned more and looked away. He gave a little half-shrug, said, "I
suppose," and then popped another tangerine wedge into his mouth.
"What's the matter with you now?"
"Nothing."
"You got a problem being adorable?"
"Of course I do. Everybody treats me like a baby." He shook a finger at Leonard
as he added, "They wouldn't if I looked older."
"Probably true. Do I treat you like a baby?"
Pavel smiled mysteriously. "Only when it suits you."
Now Leonard was frowning. "Excuse me?"
"Oh, you know," Pavel said with a sage little nod, pulling more of his
tangerine apart. "You tell me I am a good boy and pat my head like this." Pavel
demonstrated the little pat on his own head. "Especially when I suck you. You
like to pretend."
Leonard shifted, suddenly uncomfortable. He leaned back against the headboard
and crossed his arms. "Hmph."
"You didn't think I would notice. Oh, I notice. You think I don't see because
you think I am too young and naïve."
"I don't treat you that way on purpose, you know."
Pavel shrugged and tossed the last tangerine wedge into his mouth. He put his
plate aside, licked his fingers and said, "Is okay. You do it because it is
sexy. I understand."
Leonard arched an eyebrow at him. "Do you?"
"Of course." Pavel slid close and cuddled up to him. "Come, uncross," he said,
tugging Leonard's arms until Leonard uncrossed them and slid an arm around
Pavel's slender frame. Pavel caressed his bare chest and stomach and said in a
soft, intimate tone, "You know, the other night, when we couldn't be together,
I was alone in my quarters. Lt. Sulu was on duty. And I watched a film by
myself."
"What, porn?"
Pavel grinned impishly. "Yes."
Leonard smiled too. "I see."
"It was a younger man with an older man," Pavel murmured, brushing his
fingertips along the waistband of Leonard's boxers. "And the younger man called
the older man … daddy." Pavel looked up into Leonard's eyes, his little grin
now gone, and he bit his bottom lip, giving Leonard his very best puppy-dog
look. This was a look Leonard had seen many times before. Leonard suddenly
realized it wasn't only that Pavel looked the way he did that made Leonard want
to treat him like he was younger sometimes; Pavel played right into it when it
served him.
Leonard turned a bit more towards Pavel. "Oh, really?" he murmured.
Pavel nodded. "Is this something all older men like? This daddy thing?"
"It can be … enjoyable," Leonard said carefully.
"So, this is something that you would like? You would like for me to call you
daddy?"
Pavel's fingers were still teasing just at Leonard's waistband, steering
maddeningly clear of the tent that was forming inside his boxers. And the boy
was getting hard too.
"You know, I hadn't quite begun to consider myself 'older'," said Leonard.
"Older than you, certainly, but not older."
Pavel grinned. "Is it something you would like, Doctor? Tell me."
"Would you like to call me that?" Leonard asked.
"I would like it if you would."
Leonard considered. He was awfully hard now just from having this conversation,
and he wasn't entirely comfortable with that, but if Pavel was interested in
this kind of thing …
"It might turn me on," he reluctantly admitted.
Pavel smiled and whispered, "I can do that. I can be little for you."
Leonard gave him a knowing look. "Oh, you already do that."
Pavel grinned sheepishly, lowered his gaze and blushed.
"Didn't think I'd realize that, huh?" said Leonard, smiling indulgently and
stroking Pavel's back.
Pavel leaned in and nuzzled at Leonard's neck. He put both his arms around
Leonard's middle and whispered, "You like when I do that."
Leonard sighed. "I suppose I do, though I can't say I'm comfortable with it."
"Why?" Pavel pulled back to look up at him again. "It makes you feel dirty?"
"Frankly, yes."
"In the bad way."
"Yes, in the bad way … Mostly in the bad way."
"You shouldn't feel bad. I like to do that for you." Pavel's hand finally slid
down onto the hardness at Leonard's crotch. "It makes you happy. And it makes
me feel sexy."
"Well … fine, go on, call me daddy, then. Let's give it a try."
Pavel grinned and moved his lips to Leonard's ear. He said, "Daddy," in the
softest whisper, blowing warm air against Leonard's skin. The whisper went
straight to Leonard's groin, making his cock jump, but something felt … off.
"Again," Leonard instructed. "Ask me to fuck you."
"Fuck me, Daddy," Pavel whispered, brushing his lips against Leonard's ear and
curling up against him.
"Say please," Leonard whispered.
"Please, Daddy? Please, please fuck me, Daddy. Pleeeeese?"
"Hmph," Leonard grunted. "It's nice, not gonna lie. But something ain't right."
Pavel pulled back. "What is wrong?"
"Don't know." Leonard looked at him. "Doesn't sound like you."
"No?" Pavel bit his lip and frowned.
"Forget it. I'm probably just too uncomfortable with the idea."
"But you like it."
"Yes, yes, I like it very much, but there's also something about it that creeps
me out."
Pavel moved a hand down and unceremoniously cupped Leonard's groin. "Your dick
is not creeped out."
"Yeah, well, he and I sometimes disagree. Just forget it. Maybe it's something
that has to remain unspoken between us, maybe bringing it out into the open
like this ruins it."
Pavel shook his head. "No, I can fix it."
"Kid, you can't fix … What're you doing?"
Pavel got up on Leonard's lap and straddled hm. He wrapped his arms around
Leonard's neck and squirmed a little, rubbing the tip of his hard-on against
Leonard's belly.
"This, you like," said Pavel, his warm, citrus breath wafting over Leonard's
face. "When I sit on your lap and let you touch."
Leonard looked down at Pavel's firm little body, brought his hands to Pavel's
narrow waist and held him there, his eyes traveling down to the V shape that
Pavel's spread legs made as they diverged onto either side of Leonard's lap.
Pavel's dick jutted out from a healthy bed of curls that Leonard just had to
touch, and he moved one hand from Pavel's waist, slid it across his flat belly
and then down to caress that nest of hair.
"Yes," Leonard said softly, looking up into Pavel's eyes again. "I like very
much when you sit on my lap and let me touch."
He practically growled these words as his hand hefted the smooth, warmth of
Pavel's prick. Then Pavel met his eyes again and said in the softest little
voice, "You would like to fuck me now … Papa?"
Well, now that sounded more like Pavel.
"Is that okay, Papa?" asked Pavel, snuggling up to him and nuzzling at his face
like an affectionate kitten. "We can fuck now?"
"Good god," Leonard whispered. He placed his big hand on the back of Pavel's
head and brought their mouths together. Pavel kissed back eagerly, little
whimpers escaping him. Then he broke the kiss and focused his big, blue gaze on
Leonard as he pulled away, slid backwards off Leonard's lap, and lay on his
back with his legs spread. He raised a hand and made a "come here" motion with
his index finger.
"Come, Papa," he whispered. "Come be with your baby."
Leonard didn't need to be asked twice. He crawled toward him, crawled up
between his legs, and hovered above him on all fours. "This is kinda sick, you
know," he had to say.
Pavel smiled lazily up at him. "Is only fantasy," he said, reaching up to
stroke Leonard's cheek. "It means nothing."
"Really?" Leonard asked skeptically. "You're not working through any weird
issues here?"
"No. Are you?"
Leonard felt slightly offended by the question. "No, I am not," he said firmly.
"Then what is the problem?"
"Dammit," Leonard muttered as he pushed away from Pavel and sat up.
Pavel sat up as well. "What?"
"You know damn well what."
Pavel sighed and just sat there a moment. Then he slid close to Leonard and
cuddled up to him. "What is it, Doctor, my age? Does it bother you that much?"
"Of course it does. Well, that and the fact that I really have no idea why
you're doing this."
"I thought you might like it. I like it."
"Yes, but why do you like it?"
Pavel sighed. "Doctor, listen to me. I have a father. He is a good man. I am
not looking to replace him."
"No? So what, you couldn't find someone closer to your own age to take your
virginity?"
"Yes, I could have. But it was you I wanted."
"Why?"
"Because I like you."
With a sigh, Leonard nudged Pavel down onto his back, laid down with him and
took him in his arms. "So, you're not with me because you miss your father?"
"No, Doctor," murmured Pavel.
"And you're not with me because your father was neglectful or because you
didn't get some kind of approval or something from him?"
"That is right."
Leonard put his face close to Pavel's, pressing their noses together. "Then why
do you like sitting in my lap so much?" he whispered.
There was a long pause, and then Pavel asked, "We are not doing this, are we?"
"Not sure I can."
"What is it? Is it too dirty for you?"
"No."
"Is it me?"
"I want you. You know I do."
"But is it me?"
Leonard hesitated. "No, it's just … something, I don't know."
Leonard watched Pavel's eyes dart around and knew the kid was thinking way too
hard. Leonard hated that. It usually meant the conversation was about to become
even more unpleasant.
"You have a daughter," Pavel finally said. Leonard immediately tensed.
"Yeah, what about 'er?"
"If you weren't already a father, would you have less of a problem with this?"
"Jesus, kid, it's not … no, it's just … fuck." Leonard rolled away and sat up.
He put his feet on the floor and sat with his back to Pavel, hands gripping the
edge of the mattress. "You can't just up and ask me things like that."
The bed shifted as Pavel sat up too. "I'm sorry," he said softly.
"Yeah, well … I'm about as hard as a cooked noodle now, so congratulations." He
stood up abruptly and headed out of the room, to the bathroom. He needed a
moment to think. And to pee.
Leonard was washing his hands when there was a little knock at the bathroom
door. He frowned at the door's reflection in the mirror, hesitated, and then
called, "Come in."
The door slid open and there stood Pavel. He was in his tight little boxer
briefs now and was looking sheepish and guilty.
"Couldn't wait a few minutes?" asked Leonard.
Pavel stepped into the bathroom and took a seat on the lid of the toilet. "I am
sorry I upset you," he mumbled, head lowered.
"It's fine," Leonard grumbled as he turned off the water and began drying his
hands. "Just … be careful, okay, kid? It's one thing to fuck around with role
playing, but it's a whole 'nother can of worms to bring a man's real-life child
into things."
Pavel wrung his hands. "I know. I didn't think."
"No, you didn't. Although I did ask about your dad, and while I don't think the
two things are on the same level, they might be for you, so I apologize for
that. I shouldn't've brought him up."
Pavel looked up at Leonard's face. "I like you," he said quietly. Leonard
wondered why he was saying it, but didn't question it. He put the hand towel
down on the counter, stepped close to Pavel and began stroking his hair.
"I like you too," he said, his voice gruff but soft. His hand ventured down to
Pavel's cheek and Pavel leaned gratefully into the touch. "I don't want you and
me to be some fucked up thing. But I guess it's too late to hope for anything
normal to develop here, huh?"
Pavel shrugged. "But what is normal?"
"Good point. Listen, kid, I gotta know: what's this daddy business about,
really? I probably shouldn't even bother asking, you probably don't even know
the answer yourself, but … think you can find something in that big brain of
yours? A reason why?" He took Pavel's chin between his thumb and forefinger.
"Think you can be honest with me?"
Pavel considered, then asked, "Do you think you can be honest as well?"
Ah. Excellent question. "You think there's something I ain't been honest
about?"
Pavel licked his lips. "I think we both want the same thing."
Leonard said nothing.
"I can be honest, Doctor. If you can."
Leonard exhaled heavily and wandered away, leaned back against a wall and
crossed his arms. "Her name is Joanna," he said. "My daughter. She's eight
years younger'n you." He met Pavel's eyes. "See how this whole thing might seem
a little unsavory to me?"
Pavel nodded. "You miss her."
"'Course I do."
"You miss taking care of her. You take care of people. Is what you do. You need
to be needed."
Leonard snorted. "When'd you get so damn perceptive?"
"Doctor, I am thinking –"
"Too damn much again, but go ahead."
"Perhaps while we are both up here together, on this ship, maybe you could use
me. To fulfill that need for yourself."
"My need to take care of people? Kid, I got a whole damn ship full of people to
take care of."
"But you miss your baby. You miss caring for her."
Leonard frowned. "How are you comin' up with this stuff?"
"I can tell by the way you treat me sometimes. You are a natural father. You
need someone who needs you like a child would. That is what you want. That is
what you need to be honest about."
Leonard fidgeted. "Okay, then. Fine. Agreed. And what do you need to be honest
about?"
Pavel lowered his gaze.
"Was he too strict?" Leonard asked. "Were you never good enough? Did he not hug
you enough? Never tell you he loved you?"
Pavel still said nothing, though he looked like he wanted to. He wrung his
hands in his lap.
"Pavel. Look at me."
Pavel looked up again.
"Did he hurt you?"
"No," Pavel said immediately. "No, Doctor, is not like that. He is a good man,
he did his best. But there are always certain things, certain needs that every
parent has trouble fulfilling. Is not his fault. He did his best."
"You said that twice. Who're you trying to convince?"
Pavel glared. "He is a good man. Don't judge things you know nothing about."
"Fair enough. So, all the cuddling and lap-sitting you do with me; that part of
what you feel you missed out on?"
Pavel looked away again. Leonard could see the muscles in his jaw tensing
convulsively.
"You wanna come here to me right now?" Leonard offered.
Pavel glanced at him. Leonard held out a hand.
"Come here, Pavel. Come on."
It was already starting. Leonard was already speaking to him differently, like
he was a child. Well, Leonard supposed he was a child in many ways. Leonard
really had no business fucking him.
Pavel looked at Leonard's extended hand with clear longing, but stayed where he
was. Pavel wanted this; it had been his idea. But he was hesitant now. Leonard
wondered if Pavel's own feelings coming to the surface were just too much for
him.
"What're you scared of?" Leonard asked. "If you're worried that I'm gonna leave
you or hurt you in some way, well … I learned a while back not to make
promises. I can give you exactly what you need in this moment, right here,
tonight. For all the rest, well, we'll take it day by day. That all right with
you?"
Pavel hesitated a moment longer, then he slowly stood and stepped toward
Leonard, reaching out and gingerly placing his slender fingers in Leonard's
large hand. Leonard pulled him in, wrapped his arms around Pavel and squeezed
him so tight, he seemed to squeeze all the emotion right out of the kid. Pavel
nestled into his embrace and his face scrunched up as he lowered his head to
Leonard's shoulder.
"You all right, kiddo?" Leonard murmured against Pavel's hair. Pavel whimpered
and nuzzled him and clung to him tight. "God, your fingers are sticky," Leonard
said with a frown. "No more tangerines in bed, you got that?"
Pavel looked up at him. "Yes, sir."
With a sigh, Leonard turned Pavel toward the sink and proceeded to wash his
hands for him. He stood behind Pavel and reached around to lather his hands up
for him. Pavel looked around and up at him, and Leonard arched an eyebrow at
him.
"This what you had in mind?" Leonard asked. "Me taking care of you like this?"
Pavel shrugged and looked away again. "You don't have to."
"I never said I didn't want to. Listen, kid, I got a tip for you: if you need
something this badly, if it means this much to you, you don't try to introduce
it with porn, all right?"
"I didn't know how else to ask," Pavel mumbled.
"Yeah, well, I guess that's understandable. But I can be surprisingly open-
minded, you know."
Pavel said nothing. Leonard looked at the kid's reflection in the mirror; he
was biting his lip. Leonard wondered what he was thinking. Was he thinking
about his own dad? How strict and insensitive he was? Maybe Leonard shouldn't
have been surprised that Pavel wasn't accustomed to discussing his feelings so
openly.
He got Pavel's hands rinsed and dried and then ushered him back to the bedroom.
He wasn't entirely sure how to proceed, but then he remembered this was for
Pavel. So perhaps Pavel ought to tell him which way to go.
Leonard went and stood by the bed and faced Pavel, who remained by the door,
those big eyes darting a bit. He looked more uncertain than Leonard had ever
seen him, and Leonard realized that Pavel probably had to work really fucking
hard to avoid looking like this.
"What do you need?" Leonard asked. Pavel fixed his eyes on him. "What is it,
baby? Come on, tell your Papa what you need."
Pavel's face fell, his gaze dropping to the floor and his brow furrowing. He
tried to compose himself, but he couldn't quite get his defenses back up. It
was as though the final support beam had crumbled out from under him, because
when he met Leonard's eyes again, his stare was raw, wide open and a little
frightened. Every instinct Leonard had told him to go to Pavel, to take him in
his arms and comfort him, but he stopped himself. He sensed that he should let
Pavel come to him.
And then Pavel finally did, stepping gingerly forward. Leonard embraced him as
soon as he was close enough.
"That wasn't so hard, was it?" Leonard murmured against Pavel's hair.
Pavel said nothing at first, only hugged him and nuzzled his chest. He lifted
his eyes to Leonard's face.
"What do you need, darlin'?" Leonard asked. "Tell me."
"I … I don't know if I can do this."
"Just let go, kiddo. I'll catch you, I promise."
"You didn't even want to do this when I brought it up."
"True. I guess I'm realizing how badly you need it."
Leonard waited as Pavel fidgeted and hesitated in his arms. Then, in the
smallest voice, he finally said, "Papa?"
Leonard wondered how young Pavel was pretending to be. Then he thought he
probably didn't want to know.
"What do you need, baby?"
"Can I have a kiss?"
Pavel looked sheepishly up at him, and damn if he didn't look even younger than
normal.
"'Course you can," Leonard said with a soft smile.
"Can I have a grown-up kiss?"
"Oh, I see. And what do you know about grown-up kisses?"
Pavel grinned shyly. "I know that you have to close your eyes," he said softly,
like he was telling a secret.
"Uh-huh. What else?"
"And you have to tilt your head. And you have to open your mouth."
"You wanna kiss your papa like that?"
Pavel nodded. "Please? I promise I won't tell."
Leonard stroked his cheek. "Want it to be our special secret?" he whispered.
Pavel nodded, seeming to become even shyer. "All right. Close your eyes,"
Leonard instructed as he cupped Pavel's face. Pavel stared up at him with his
big, trusting gaze, then closed his eyes and waited. His breaths seemed to
quiver past his lips.
Leonard brought their lips together ever so gently, at first just brushing his
mouth against Pavel's, and he heard Pavel's breath catch. He took Pavel's lower
lip between both his own lips and heard Pavel almost gasp as he gave that lip a
little suck. Pavel's breaths started up again, quick and shallow, as Leonard's
tongue slipped out and swept across his lips, then slid right into his mouth,
gently but with authority, going right in as though it belonged in there.
Soon Pavel was kissing him back with a timidness Leonard hadn't felt in him
since their first time together. When Leonard finally broke the kiss, he looked
closely at Pavel, checking to see that he was okay, that he wanted to continue.
"Did you like that?"
Pavel nodded and grinned impishly. "Yes, Papa."
Leonard smiled indulgently at him. "Get on the bed, darlin'. Go on." He gently
turned Pavel around and gave him a little nudge. Pavel crawled to the bed's
center, where he sat and looked up at Leonard expectantly. Leonard paused, just
stood there and stared down at him for a moment, feeling all kinds of
conflicting emotions. Pavel looked so small sitting there, his slender body
looking so delicate, though Leonard was fully aware that Pavel was a strong,
capable young man. In fact he was far more mature than he had any right to be.
Leonard wondered whose fault that was and how much of his own childhood Pavel
had missed out on.
"Papa?" Pavel said uncertainly. His little voice woke Leonard up and he sprang
into motion again, crawling onto the bed after Pavel, who rewarded him with a
sweet little grin of pure happiness and welcomed Leonard with open arms.
Leonard laid him down on his back and cuddled him.
"Wanna give Papa more grown-up kisses?" he asked.
Pavel nodded and let Leonard kiss him, which Leonard did with deliberate
slowness and tenderness, methodically dipping his tongue into Pavel's mouth,
taking the time to pull Pavel's need out of him. He listened to Pavel's little
moans and whimpers, which began as quiet, plaintive little noises and escalated
to louder, more desperate pleadings. Pavel's breaths came faster and harder as
his arousal increased, his body growing more and more restless, squirming and
bucking and begging to be touched.
Then Leonard took his mouth away and Pavel whined mournfully.
"What do you need, baby?" Leonard whispered as he teased lightly at the
waistband of Pavel's underwear with his fingertips.
"Papa," Pavel whimpered, his hands roaming about Leonard's body, apparently
toying with the idea of venturing down into Leonard's boxers too.
"Do you want what's in there?" asked Leonard, taking hold of Pavel's hand and
holding it still against his stomach. Pavel's restless fingers pressed and felt
the hard muscles there and Pavel nodded. Leonard slipped Pavel's hand down into
his underwear and wrapped Pavel's fingers around his very hard shaft.
"That okay?" Leonard asked. Pavel nodded. Leonard put his lips to Pavel's ear
and whispered, "Papa likes it when you touch him. Here …" Leonard began moving
Pavel's hand up and down his length, slowly, letting Pavel feel every inch of
him, then going a little faster. "See that? That's how you can make your Papa
feel good. Think you can do that by yourself?"
Pavel nodded again, and Leonard released his hand, pulling his own out of his
boxers. He watched as Pavel tugged the waistband out and peered down inside to
see what his hand was doing. He stroked a little faster and looked up at
Leonard's face, checking on him.
"Is that good, Daddy?"
Leonard's cock twitched. 'Daddy' was growing on him. He hugged Pavel more
snugly and kissed his forehead. "It's very good, baby. You're very good. And if
you do that just a little longer, you're gonna make Daddy feel very good too."
Pavel whined and begged without words for Leonard's mouth. Leonard let Pavel
suck on his tongue while Pavel jerked him off, and just the mere act of sucking
seemed to arouse Pavel, making him fidget in Leonard's arms, breathe harder and
whimper. Leonard took his tongue away just long enough to tell Pavel he was
coming, then gave it right back and came hard, spurting inside his underwear
and onto Pavel's hand, shoving his tongue as deep into Pavel's mouth as he
could until his climax came to a shuddering halt. He sagged, his grip on Pavel
loosening, and he rolled onto his back, panting. He felt Pavel release his cock
and pull his hand out, then settle against Leonard's body. Leonard opened his
eyes and found Pavel with his chin perched on his, Leonard's, chest, watching
him with those wide eyes of his.
"You okay, kiddo?"
"Yes," Pavel quietly replied.
"You sure? If it was too weird for you –"
"I liked it, Doctor."
Leonard nodded. "You wanna continue?"
Pavel shrugged. "Not yet."
Leonard wondered why; Pavel hadn't come yet. But he decided not to push. "What
made you this way?" he asked instead.
"What?"
"What'd he do to you?"
"Oy," Pavel sighed, rolling his eyes. He rolled away and grabbed some tissues
from the side table to wipe his hand.
"I mean," Leonard explained as he got himself out of his wet underwear and
discarded them over the side of the bed, "was it just that he was kind of an
asshole, or is there more?"
"There doesn't have to be a reason for every single thing, Doctor."
"Like hell there doesn't. Everything comes from somewhere. You're a scientist,
you know that."
Leonard rolled onto his side and propped his head up on his hand. Pavel looked
over at him, his eyes taking in Leonard's naked body for a moment before he
began to speak.
"What is it you would like me to say?" he asked. "That he beat me? He didn't.
That he touched me? That he fucked me? He did neither of those things."
Leonard knew damn well that there were other ways to screw up a child, but he
didn't say so.
"It is a kink, Doctor. That is all. Are all of your kinks the result of some
kind of childhood trauma?"
"No, I suppose not," Leonard admitted. Pavel had a point, but Leonard wasn't
convinced. He sat up and shimmied back to put his back to the headboard. He
then held his arms open to Pavel, who eyed him suspiciously, but then sat up,
crawled to him and snuggled against him.
"Why don't you tell me about him?" Leonard said.
"Who? My father? Why?"
"Just humor me, all right?"
"You are not going to let this go, are you?"
"Don't think I can, kiddo."
Leonard heard Pavel sigh. He kissed Pavel's hair and waited patiently.
"Yes, he is a strict man," Pavel finally began, "but that was good for me. Kept
me focused."
"Was he good to you? Did he acknowledge your accomplishments?"
"Yes."
"A lot?"
"Enough."
"Hmph."
Pavel glanced up at him. "He did what he had to do to get me where I needed to
go. And look; I am here, on the most prestigious ship in Starfleet. I would say
he did a pretty good job."
Leonard raised a hand to touch Pavel's face, caressed his cheek and tweaked his
chin. "And that's how he showed you he loved you, is it? By being a hard ass?"
Pavel gave him a lopsided grin. "Do you have a point?"
Leonard shrugged and tried to look innocent. "Nope. Just getting a little
background."
"Uh-huh. And what of your daughter?"
"What about my daughter?"
"What kind of father have you been to her? You are not a 'hard ass'? I find
this hard to believe."
Leonard sighed. "Well, just like your dad, I do the best I know how. I do what
I think'll be good for her."
"Do you push her to do her best?"
"Yes. I let her know right from wrong and I praise her when she's good."
"Praise her."
"Yeah. Lots of hugs and I-love-yous. And I try to protect her from things that
might hurt her."
"You think that is possible, that you can protect her? Is that even a good
thing?"
"What, your papa didn't try to protect you?"
"My mama tried to protect me. Papa tried to prepare me."
"I see. He's the kinda guy who'd teach you how to swim by throwing you into the
deep end of the pool without floaties when you were little, isn't he?"
"He did do that!" Pavel exclaimed. "How did you know?"
There were several things Leonard wanted to say about that, but he decided not
to. He'd just gotten Pavel talking, he didn't want the kid shutting down now.
Leonard's jaw twitched with the effort of keeping his comments to himself.
"Just a hunch," he finally said. "My dad did that too."
"And you are better for it, for lessons like that, yes? They taught you that
life is difficult and you have to be prepared."
Leonard looked down into Pavel's eyes, studying him. Eventually Pavel looked
away and put his head back down on Leonard's shoulder, apparently oblivious to
what Leonard had seen in him. The look in Pavel's eyes was seared into
Leonard's brain now. The look was always there, he realized, that lost-little-
kid-trying-to-find-his-way-in-an-adult-world look. That was what Pavel was; a
child who'd always been expected to act like an adult because of his
intelligence, because of his father's expectations. Leonard's jaw clenched
again.
"It taught me that my dad wouldn't always be there for me," Leonard corrected
Pavel. "That's what I got from those lessons, kid, that you can't fucking trust
anyone, not even your own damn parents." He gave Pavel a squeeze and rocked him
a bit.
"So, now you give Joanna whatever she wants because you are afraid."
"Don't be a smart ass. I don't give her whatever she wants. I give her what she
needs. She needs to know her daddy's gonna be there for her, no matter what.
She needs to know that she can have an opinion that differs from mine and it
won't make me stop loving her. She needs to know that if you toss a kid into
the deep end without floaties, they might damn well drown."
"He wouldn't have let me drown."
"He shouldn't have thrown you in, in the first place."
"If he hadn't, I may never have gone in at all."
"You? Not try something? I don't believe that for a second. Maybe your papa
didn't know you very well. Maybe he was too busy telling you who you oughta be
when he shoulda been learning who you were."
Pavel pulled away, slowly but without hesitation. He settled next to Leonard,
back to the headboard, his jaw set, eyes staring straight ahead.
"Did I strike a nerve?" Leonard asked.
"You are out of line."
Yeah, I struck a nerve, Leonard thought with a sigh. "I'm sorry, kid, didn't
mean to upset you. I'm probably just projecting my own shit here."
Pavel looked over at him. "She has to learn what life is like. Joanna. She has
to learn that it is hard."
"Yeah, but she doesn't have to learn it by having her father break her heart.
Ever think that maybe you're just trying to justify your own father's parenting
style because the idea that he deliberately fucked with your head and didn't
give you what you needed, in some misguided attempt to toughen you up, is just
too much for you to handle?"
Pavel glared at him and said nothing.
"It's okay to admit that you're angry. It's okay to admit that you need. I
mean, why else would you be here with me?"
"I am not with you because of him."
"Oh, please. You and I don't make sense any other way and you know it."
Pavel crossed his arms and looked away. "I don't need you to fix me. There is
nothing wrong with me."
"I didn't say there was."
"If I need you like that, then you need me in much the same way. Maybe you are
not the perfect father you make yourself out to be, maybe you are simply using
me to make up for your mistakes. I am sorry if I shouldn't say this, but you
are divorced. How does Joanna feel about that?"
The kid was trying to bait him, trying to get back at him for pinpointing his
issues so accurately. Leonard's first reaction was to snap at him, but that was
what Pavel wanted, not what he needed. Leonard decided to go a different route,
do something completely unexpected; he decided to be honest.
"Well, it hurt her," he admitted. "'Course it did. Still does, I know that.
It's probably done her a lotta damage, but we're working on that. She knows we
both love her. I did my best. I tried to keep her from knowing what was going
on, but she knew. Kids always know. She started asking questions. I'm not proud
of this, but I lied to her a lot during the worst of it. Felt like I had to. I
had to protect her. Then Jocelyn and I had this big argument one day with her
right there. I did everything I could to keep it from escalating, but I
couldn't stop it and we were both yelling and Jo-Jo heard everything and … I've
never seen her like that. She just started wailing and she covered her ears and
begged us to stop, and Jocelyn went to her to hug her and glared back at me
like it was all my fault that Jo-Jo was crying. And I couldn't go to her, I
couldn't comfort her, because Jocelyn was already there, and going any closer
would only have caused another argument. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't fix it,
I couldn't …"
Leonard trailed off, feeling the knot forming in his chest, the lump rising in
his throat. He inhaled shakily and cursed under his breath. "I shouldn't be
telling you this."
Pavel shimmied close, cuddled up to him again and whispered, "Daddy?"
Leonard frowned down at him. "Kid, what're you –"
Pavel pressed his fingertips to Leonard's lips to silence him. "Daddy? Can I
tell you something?"
"You're really doing this now, huh? Okay, then. Go on, what do you wanna tell
me?"
Pavel dropped his hand from Leonard's mouth and slipped it into one of
Leonard's hands instead. Leonard obligingly grasped it. Then Pavel licked his
lips and said, "It wasn't your fault."
Leonard swallowed hard and wondered if he looked as disconcerted as he felt. He
thought he probably must, because Pavel squeezed his hand reassuringly and
whispered, "I know you love me." He reached up with his free hand to stroke
Leonard's cheek. "I love you too, Daddy."
"Kid," Leonard said, feeling a bit like he had to catch his breath. "I don't
want you to be her. Don't you dare –"
"Not her," Pavel interrupted. "Just Pavel. Your little boy."
Leonard took a breath and exhaled slowly, getting his bearings. "My little boy,
huh?"
"Yes. If you need me to be."
Leonard searched Pavel's eyes for a moment. "Mm, not quite. You're not there
yet. You're all closed off again."
"This is for you now, not for me. I don't have to feel it this time."
"I want you to," Leonard insisted. "I can't go there if you don't. That's not
the way it works, not for me."
"I see," Pavel said. Leonard could tell that, for Pavel, the moment had passed,
the vulnerable little boy was gone now. Leonard thought fast, tried to remember
exactly how he'd gotten Pavel to let go in the first place. Maybe he could do
it again.
"Come on, sweetheart," Leonard said, raising the pitch of his voice just a bit.
"Look at Daddy."
Pavel shook his head. "Doctor, I don't think –"
"Ah, ah, look at Daddy. Come on." Leonard took hold Pavel's chin and said
gently, "You look at Daddy when he's talking to you."
Leonard kept his gaze steady and right on Pavel's eyes, an unrelenting, if
gentle assault, chipping away at the kid's armor. He watched Pavel squirm and
fidget and then smile.
"There's my boy," Leonard said. "How's Daddy's baby, hm? How's Daddy's little
man?"
Pavel let out the tiniest little giggle and started blushing all over. Leonard
squeezed him and kissed his nose, and Pavel snuggled against him, squirming as
though trying to locate his character the same way he might try to locate a
comfortable spot in bed. Leonard waited patiently, murmuring sweet things to
him to help him along.
"Daddy?" Pavel suddenly whispered.
"Yes, baby?"
Pavel hesitated, then whispered, "I like it when you touch me, Daddy."
Leonard smiled warmly at him. "Well, then Daddy's just gonna have to touch you
more often."
Leonard shifted Pavel down onto his back, settled next to him and tickled him.
Pavel giggled and wriggled all over, trying to get away, but then Leonard
stopped tickling and cuddled him protectively as he moved a hand down into
Pavel's underwear and began playing with his cock. Pavel relaxed, fell silent,
spread his legs and gazed trustingly up at Leonard. He raised a hand and let
his fingertips explore Leonard's face as Leonard began to draw little noises
out of him by rubbing and stroking him.
"That's it, sweetheart, let Daddy hear how much you like it. This is how Daddy
learns what you like; by listening to you. Hm? Isn't that right, little one?
Daddy wants to make you feel good." Leonard paused, then, unsure if he should
say what he was thinking of saying next. Pavel had said it to him a moment ago,
but Leonard was sure that saying it to Pavel would have a very different kind
of impact.
"Because," Leonard continued, "Daddy loves you very much."
The reaction was immediate; Pavel's breath shuddered, he whimpered and squeezed
his eyes shut, and then buried his face in Leonard's chest.
"That's it, baby," Leonard said, squeezing Pavel and rocking him a bit. "Let it
out. Whatever it is, just let it out."
Pavel let out a hard groan that sounded more like himself than the little boy
he'd been pretending to be. "Papa," he moaned. "Papa …"
"Your papa's here, sweetheart. Wanna make Papa happy? Wanna make Papa proud of
you?"
"Yes," Pavel gasped.
"Let Papa see how good you feel. Let Papa hear it. That's all that matters, you
know, little one; your happiness."
"Papa," Pavel panted. "Your baby feels so good."
"That's it, precious. Tell me more."
Pavel gripped Leonard arm tight and turned his face up, letting Leonard watch
him panting, watch the almost distressed look on his face intensify. "Baby
needs to come … Papa … need to come."
"Papa wants you to come, sweetheart. Papa wants you to."
Pavel dug his nails into Leonard's arm. His thighs tensed as his climax built
inside him and then finally erupted. Leonard loved watching Pavel come undone,
and this was about as intense a climax as he'd ever seen Pavel experience.
Pavel cried out, alternately screaming for his papa and just wailing
incoherently, hanging onto Leonard for dear life. Leonard held him tight,
almost afraid the kid would shake himself apart.
When Pavel finally came down and went limp, the anguished look on his face
persisted.
"Pavel?" Leonard murmured. "Look at me."
Pavel slowly opened his eyes and blinked up at him. His eyes darted around as
though he was just remembering where he was. Something was different this time.
"You all right, kiddo?"
Pavel frowned and pulled away suddenly. He sat up, almost pushing Leonard away
from him.
Leonard sat up too. "Was it too much for you?"
Pavel said nothing. He shook his head, but it looked more like an attempt to
clear his mind than an answer to Leonard's question.
"Kid," Leonard said firmly. "Tell me you're all right."
Pavel looked at him sidelong. "I am fine," he said quietly, but he was far from
convincing. He looked away again, but Leonard reached over and gently turned
his face back. Pavel refused to meet his eyes this time.
"If it got too real for you, we don't ever have to do it again."
"Stop it," Pavel grumbled, yanking his face out of Leonard's grasp.
"Shit," Leonard muttered, panic rising up inside him. This situation felt
sickeningly familiar, only this time the need and the resentment were both
wrapped up in one person. Leonard froze, began to doubt himself, desperately
wanting to flee and return when the dust settled. Just like before. He'd fled
that day. How had that looked to Joanna, her father walking away while she
cried?
"Oh, fuck it," Leonard grumbled and he pulled Pavel into his arms, steeling
himself for any walls the kid might erect against him. "Will you quit trying to
be so damn tough all the time?" he growled.
But Pavel didn't struggle, as Leonard thought he would. He settled against
Leonard's body and put his head on Leonard's chest. Leonard wished Pavel had
told him to stop when it got too real. Of course, by the time Pavel had started
calling him 'papa' instead of 'daddy', they'd been well into it and Pavel had
probably been feeling pretty damn good. Leonard should've known better. He
should've realized the switch meant so much more to the kid than it did to
himself. He should've shut the whole thing down right then and there. Fuck.
What had he been thinking? This whole thing had been thought up by a 17 year
old. No matter what kind of genius the kid was, he didn't know shit about his
own issues.
"I'm sorry," Leonard whispered, shutting his eyes and squeezing Pavel tight.
"I'm so sorry, kiddo. I didn't mean to hurt you." He cupped Pavel's face and
turned it up toward his own. He sought out Pavel's lips and kissed them
urgently, as though that could make everything okay again. Pavel let it happen,
started kissing him back after a moment, whimpering against his mouth and
clinging to him again.
"I'm okay," Pavel whispered between kisses as he pulled Leonard down on top of
him. "Daddy, I'm okay."
"So sorry, kid," Leonard whispered back as he settled into Pavel's arms. He
slipped a hand beneath Pavel's head to hold it still and kissed him hard, so
hard that Pavel moaned plaintively into his mouth, barely able to get the sound
out around Leonard's tongue.
"Daddy," Pavel gasped when Leonard released his mouth.
"I'm sorry," Leonard moaned against Pavel's neck. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
"Shhh," Pavel hushed him, stroking his back, clearly feeling less unnerved now
and trying to soothe Leonard. "I'm okay now."
"I shouldn't have let it go that far, I shouldn't have said half the things I
said."
"Is okay, Daddy. Just fuck me. Okay, Daddy? Please? Make it better. Make it all
better and fuck your baby, okay?"
Leonard groaned, squeezing his eyes shut against the moisture that was
threatening to seep out. He took Pavel's mouth again with such force that for a
moment he thought Pavel was fighting against it, but Pavel was as into it as he
was, clawing at his back and making hungry noises into his mouth.
Somehow, in his lusty, anguished haze, Leonard found the lubricant in the
twisted sheets. Somehow he managed to slow himself down enough and prepare
Pavel properly (if he'd hurt the kid doing that, he never would've forgiven
himself). And when he finally began to push into Pavel's body, Pavel gazed up
at him with a patient, loving stare.
"Daddy's going to make it better now?" Pavel asked in his little-boy voice, a
little breathless as Leonard began to fill him up.
Leonard thought his heart might burst. He stroked Pavel's cheek as he gently
sank into him. "Yeah, darlin'. Daddy's gonna make it all better. You okay?" he
whispered as he pushed inside and began to move inside Pavel. "Can Daddy fuck
you harder?"
"Yes, Daddy," Pavel panted. "Baby wants it. Give it to me really hard, okay?
Please?"
"You sure? I don't wanna hurt you?"
Pavel nodded. "Fuck me hard, Daddy. Make it better, fuck me really hard."
Leonard pushed into him roughly, making Pavel yelp and press his head back
against the mattress. Leonard did it again, forcing an even harder, more
guttural noise out of the kid, but this time Pavel pushed up to meet Leonard's
hips, encouraging him. Leonard went faster and harder until he was thrusting as
hard as he dared to, and Pavel sounded positively blissful. Leonard watched
him; he was a gorgeous kid, especially like this, body flushed pink all over,
his pleasure evident all over his face, in every sound he made. Leonard found
himself thinking insane things, wishing Pavel really was his kid. Things
would've been so much different for Pavel if he had been. Pavel would be
certain of exactly how much his father loved him. He would know it like he knew
the most fundamental laws of the universe.
Leonard stopped thrusting. He rolled onto his back, holding onto Pavel and
staying buried inside him. He sat up, and holding Pavel securely against
himself, he stood and carried him across the room. Pavel held onto him with his
arms and legs.
"Daddy?" he said in his little voice.
"Shh, it's okay. Daddy's just taking you over here." Leonard pressed him gently
up against a wall, and Pavel looked into his eyes. "It's okay, Daddy's got you.
Just hang onto Daddy's neck, just like that."
Pavel hung on, helping as much as he could to hold his own weight up, though
Leonard hardly needed him to. Then Pavel shut his eyes and sighed contentedly
as Leonard began to move again.
"That's it, darlin'. You just relax and let Daddy make it better."
Pavel opened his eyes again, looked right into Leonard's and said, "You're such
a good daddy." He leaned forward and gave Leonard a sensual, very adult kiss,
then pulled back and looked at Leonard with his big, boyish eyes and said in
his little voice, all breathy with arousal, "You're the best daddy in the whole
world."
"I never wanted to hurt you, you know that," Leonard whispered.
"I know – oh, Daddy, feels so good."
"Give Daddy more grown-up kisses, baby."
Pavel happily obliged, at first giving Leonard his tongue and then taking
Leonard's into his mouth and sucking it while Leonard fucked all his own angst
away, letting the sounds of pleasure from his boy soothe his guilty conscience,
and when he managed to fuck another orgasm out of Pavel, when Pavel stopped
kissing and let his head fall back against the wall as he moaned for his daddy
and his cock spurted between them, Leonard knew his baby was very happy and he
came too, pumping deep into Pavel's body.
"Feel that, darlin'?" he whispered. "That means Daddy loves you."
"You're – such a – good – daddy," Pavel said, grunting out each syllable as
Leonard slammed into him. His climax ended just as Leonard's was beginning to
ebb. Leonard pulled Pavel against himself, hefting all of his weight again, and
stepped back, away from the wall, cradling Pavel in his arms as his dick
finished spurting into him.
Leonard made it back to the bed despite his wobbly legs. He let Pavel down
first, carefully withdrawing from within him and lowering him to the bed, then
dropping down next to him and taking him in his arms. They were quiet for a
long time, catching their breath, planting little kisses on each other's sweaty
skin.
"I think," Pavel finally said, "that I would like to do that again sometime."
"You think that's a good idea? Got a little too real for you for a moment
there, didn't it?"
"Maybe. Felt good, though."
Leonard looked down at him. "Did it?"
Pavel looked up at him and nodded. "Yes."
"Should I have stopped you? When you started calling me 'papa'?"
Pavel hesitated, bit his lip and lowered his gaze. Leonard could tell Pavel
knew exactly why Leonard was asking. But then Pavel looked up again and shook
his head. "No."
"You sure? 'Cause afterward you seemed –"
"Leonard," Pavel interrupted him, calling him by name for the first time. "I
said no. I knew what was happening. I let it happen. I don't want you to feel
guilty."
Pavel stopped talking, then, and stared at Leonard, waiting for something.
Leonard reluctantly gave him a nod of acknowledgment and Pavel seemed to relax
a bit.
"What about you?" Pavel asked. "Did it get 'too real' for you?"
Leonard sighed and was quiet for a moment before finally replying, "I dunno."
"Cathartic, maybe?"
There was a worldly, knowing little glint within the youthful blue of Pavel's
eyes. "Maybe," Leonard admitted grudgingly. He pressed a kiss to Pavel's
forehead and just held him quietly, thinking about everything and nothing, both
trying to justify what they'd just done and relishing in the wrongness of it.
"I am sure she knows," Pavel said suddenly, his voice soft, his hot breath on
Leonard's chest.
"What?"
"Joanna. I am sure she knows you didn't mean to hurt her."
Leonard stiffened a bit, and Pavel seemed to feel it, because he turned his
eyes up to Leonard's face and stroked his back soothingly.
"Like you said," Pavel continued, "children are perceptive. She knows more than
you think she does."
"Doesn't mean she isn't owed an apology."
"No. But perhaps you shouldn't beat yourself up so much."
"Kid."
"Yes?"
"Shut up, will ya?" Leonard said, but not unkindly. "You're killing my
afterglow here."
Pavel smiled. "Sorry."
"So, you're sure you wanna do this thing again?"
"Yes, I am sure. What about you?"
Leonard already knew his answer, but he didn't say it right away. He lay there
for a while in silence, feigning deep thought, like he was really giving the
matter the consideration it was due. But no matter how many arguments he
provided for himself, his answer didn't change and he hadn't expected it to.
He looked down at Pavel and whispered, "Yeah. Yeah, I want to."
Pavel smiled at him, and Leonard couldn't help but smile back.
"Want to keep going right now?" Pavel asked sheepishly.
Leonard chuckled and petted his hair. "Do you?"
Pavel nodded.
"You trust me?" Leonard asked. "You feel safe here?"
"Yes."
"Then you be exactly who you need to be. I'll follow your lead. Okay?"
A moment's hesitation, and then Pavel put his head down. It took another
moment, but then he slowly moved his hand to his face, made a fist and took his
thumb in his mouth. He closed his eyes and Leonard felt his body relax. Leonard
stroked his back and let him lie there like that for as long as he needed to.
Leonard was quiet the whole time. He didn't dare say a word. Because in that
moment, he felt very much like making promises.
END
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