Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/914322.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural_RPF
  Relationship:
      Jensen_Ackles/Jared_Padalecki, Genevieve_Cortese/Jared_Padalecki, Jensen
      Ackles/Christian_Kane
  Character:
      Jensen_Ackles, Jared_Padalecki, Genevieve_Cortese, Christian_Kane, Chad
      Michael_Murray, Danneel_Harris, Sophia_Bush, James_Lafferty, Misha
      Collins, Jeffrey_Dean_Morgan
  Additional Tags:
      Big_Bang_Challenge, Alternate_Universe_-_High_School, Private_School
  Series:
      Part 1 of Bratty_Little_Bastards
  Collections:
      Supernatural_and_J2_Big_Bang_2013
  Stats:
      Published: 2013-08-10 Chapters: 13/13 Words: 93251
****** Bratty Little Bastards: Autumn ******
by interflora
Summary
     Jensen Ackles hates coming in second. Jared Padalecki can’t stand
     being overlooked. So when the same guy makes them look like chumps by
     taking over the varsity lacrosse team and ranking first in the junior
     class at the private, elite Eldridge Academy, overachieving computer
     genius Jensen and popular athlete Jared decide to put aside their
     differences. Kind of.
     -------------------------------------------------
     Jared Padalecki’s mouth is always open.
     It’s one of the few things Jensen’s noticed about him during
     Calculus. Also that he’s a massive douchebag and late for class
     pretty much every day. Probably too busy bumping fists with the rest
     of the lacrosse team. Or the swim team. Or the baseball team.
     Padalecki’s been at and participated in every single school sporting
     event Jensen’s ever attended. He’s like some kind of supermutant
     megabro with enough time and energy to not just play, but exceed at
     every sport the school offers.
     So, naturally, Jensen doesn’t like him.
***** One *****
Chapter Notes
     For a full post with art (and now a soundtrack!) go to my
     livejournal, http://interflorafic.livejournal.com/620.html
     Thanks for checking BLB out and I hope you love it!
                           I don’t care if it hurts
                             I wanna have control
                             I want a perfect body
                             I want a perfect soul
 
Jared Padalecki’s mouth is alwaysopen.
It’s one of the few things Jensen’s noticed about him during Calculus. Also
that he’s a massive douchebag and late for class pretty much every day.
Probably too busy bumping fists with the rest of the lacrosse team. Or the swim
team. Or the baseball team.
Padalecki’s been at and participated in every singleschool sporting event
Jensen’s ever attended. He’s like some kind of supermutant megabro with enough
time and energy to not just play, but exceed at every sport the school offers.
So, naturally, Jensen doesn’t like him.
Jensen fidgets in his seat, watching the clock and wishing for the hundredth
time that the Polish brick shithouse across the room wasn’t so huge because
he’s blocking Jensen’s view of the sycamores outside. Padalecki’s staring at
some point on the floor as if it’s the most interesting thing he’s ever seen
with his leg bouncing up and down at a thousand miles an hour against his desk.
Jensen almost snorts out loud. It’s sort of cute, like watching a dog have a
bad dream. Paws twitching and all.
Sure, it takes all types, but Padalecki’s kind of knuckle draggers have no
place at a school with Eldridge’s rep. If he had half a brain he would’ve
enrolled in public school. He’d be knee-deep in desperate cheerleaders and
coaches lining up to kiss his ass without having to worry about flunking.
Not that it isn’t like that here. Padalecki’s popular for some reason—no one
fucks with him, even if they’re confused as to why they like someone who treats
them like shit on the bottom of his shoe; that sort of dubious attraction
athletes have in high school.
Plus, Jared’s in the bottom quarter of their class. Mom and Dad Padalecki see
to it that Jared stays enrolled with generous donations every autumn semester.
It’s no secret that they’re loaded ‘cause his grandfather’s some hotshot
rightwing politician in San Antonio.
All in all he’s the specific flavor of brainless jock that Jensen files under
“bane of his existence.”
The only redeeming quality Jensen can find about him is that he’s not hard on
the eyes. Kinda the opposite, truth be told. Padalecki’s looks alone will get
him far in life. Jensen never really paid much attention to him until after
sophomore year’s summer break, when the tall, mouthy kid in his gym class came
back to school absolutely built.He’s only seventeen and could probably bench
press Jensen one-handed.
And so what if that thought makes his mind go places other than limits and
integration—
Jensen pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose, tearing his mind away from
tan skin and sweat to focus on the blackboard.
It’s nothing he can’t grasp within a couple of seconds. Calc is his second
favorite subject after Computer Science. Solving limits brings clarity to
Jensen. He loves the way the numbers seem to fall into place like a sentence of
a foreign language. If it were, he’d be fluent right down to the accent.
Morgan asks for volunteers. No dice ‘til he offers extra credit which snaps
both Jensen and Padalecki back to the real world. Jensen’s chosen over Jared,
probably luckily for Jared.
Jensen works damn hard to keep his place at school. It’s his only ticket out of
Pennsylvania and right now it’s looking bleak. Being ranked second in a class
of two hundred isn’t anything to sneeze at, but he’s not first.
He would be, if Tom fucking Welling wasn’t in the picture.
 
****
 
Jensen Ackles is a total geek, but he gives grade A blowjobs.
Or at least that’s what Jared’s heard. Looking at that mouth, he’d believe it.
And yeah, maybe he’s staring a little bit. Jared’s not gay, but hey, keeping an
open mind is a virtue, right?
“Would anyone like to try to figure out the limit?” Dr. Morgan is holding up a
piece of chalk like it’s the ticket to salvation. Which, as it happens, it is.
“Alright, then. For extra credit?”
Jared’s hand shoots in the air. Forget that he has no fucking clue what his
teacher’s been on about for the past half hour. He needsthis grade. Straddling
ineligibility is a royal pain in his ass.
Jensen beats him to it.
“Go ahead, Mr. Ackles.”
Jared rolls his eyes. Of course. Never mind that the kid’s sitting pretty on a
3.98 GPA or something. Jared’s not sure howhe knows that, only that it has to
do with the fact that his graduating class of two hundred students is
cutthroat. Rank is serious shit at Eldridge. Most people could rehearse the
class standings by memory and probably do it backwards, too. All but a handful
of Jared’s peers will be granted full rides to the Ivy League of their choice.
The rest, like Jared, will get by on athletic scholarships and parents with
deep pockets.
Jared slouches lower in his seat as the little know-it-all brushes past him to
the board. Morgan smiles at his favorite student like the sun rises and sets
out of the tailored ass of Jensen’s khakis. He doesn’t miss that Jensen returns
it with an extra helping of smarm.
Ackles is such a fucking suck up.  More than a few rumors have circulated about
him and certain male faculty members. Jared’s not sure if Jensen’s gay but a
lot of the boarders at Eldridge end up flexible, especially when grades are in
question.
Jensen sucks on a mint and writes out the equation. His brow furrows as he
works. There’s not a single wrinkle in his uniform, tie knot perfectly in place
at the throat of his Oxford. His dress pants are immaculate, maybe even
pressed. Not that he cares. He just wonders how the dweeb does it. Probably has
his mom iron his uniform for him when he goes home on the weekends. She
probably tucks him in, takes off his glasses and puts them on the nightstand
and reads A Brief History of Timeto her snot-nosed genius of a kid.
Jared comes to class from the locker room, six kinds of disheveled by the time
he takes his seat.
“Nicely done, Jensen. I’ll check it off in my grading book.”
Jensen flushes, obviously pleased with himself. As if he wasn’t going to get it
right. Prick.
When the bell rings three minutes later Jared’s first out the door, shouldering
past his classmates in his hurry to get back to the gym. It sucks having eighth
period on the second floor since he spends most of his time across campus
either at the pool or in the locker room and gets extra laps if he’s late to
practice and he’s due out on the field in fifteen minutes.
Jared breaks into a jog, stripping down as he goes. He shoves his jacket to the
depths of his bag, then his tie. The crowd of students wearing navy blue
uniform coats parts around him. It’s old hat for them after the last bell—it’s
either move or be trampled by a herd of the biggest dudes in the school.
“Jay wait up!”
Jared doesn’t stop or slow but Chad catches up to him anyways, panting.
“Thanks, dickhead.”
“Just getting you in shape for the season,” Jared grins.
Chad’s half-dressed too, working at his belt buckle with one shoe already off.
“Isn’t Pellegrino picking a captain today?”
“Dunno. Guess so,” Jared puffs. Yes, Coach Pellegrino is, and it’s making him
nervous as hell. Jared’s good at lacrosse, really good. He made varsity as a
freshman. But his time’s spread thin between all his other team commitments,
not to mention student council and his less-than-stellar academics.
“So? Congrats, buddy.”
“Shut up and run. We’ve got nine minutes.”
 They make the locker room with seven minutes to go. They drop the rest of
their uniforms in record time, struggling with pads and bolting out the door to
catch up with the team.
Lafferty’s already telling some lewd story that involves him and some girl from
Hearst, the neighboring public school.
“He’s so full of shit,” Chad mumbles.
“Hmm?” Jared’s not really paying attention. He’s been thinking about this day
since last year when David Boreanaz graduated, leaving captaincy up for grabs.
“Yeah, he was with me all last Friday.”
“I thought you said you couldn’t hang out that night ‘cause you were going
home.”
“I, uh, did go home. Then I came back to school and we hung out,” Chad says.
Jared nods distractedly. Right now he couldn’t care less about Chad’s lies
about his “thriving” social life. As if James Lafferty would actually hang out
with him and enjoy it.
Matt drops back to talk to Jared.
“You ready to assume greatness, Padalecki?”
“Shut up, Cohen. Or I’m gonna make you do extra laps when I’ve got my shiny
badge.”
“I think it’s actually an armband,” Matt grins.
“Yeah, yeah. C’mon, get moving before Pellegrino shows up.”
The three of them break into a light jog once they reach the track. If the
team’s not moving by the time Pellegrino arrives to practice, it usually
results in aptly named “suicides.”
The bleachers around the field are already packed with hangers-on waiting to
see who makes Varsity captain.
Genevieve’s there, laughing with a group of her friends. Sandy’s not among them
today, thank God. She and Jared have had so much back and forth bullshit the
past year Jared wouldn’t care if they never spoke again. Besides, she’d dumped
him to chase after half his lacrosse teammates— first Matt, then Steve Carlson,
and, rumor has it, now Tom. That is, when Tom’s not with Genevieve Cortese.
Cortese is a pretty cool chick. She’s president of student council so Jared
gets to work on most projects for the school with her. She’s in the year above
Jared and way, wayout of his league. Like, on another planet out of his league.
He can’t for the life of him understand how Tom’s managed to date her for as
long as he has. It’s off and on but Gen hasn’t gone out with anyone else in the
past two years.
She’s one of those girls who probably have planned days— get out of bed, have
half a grapefruit or something then off to French tutors and charity events
with her diplomat parents. He wouldn’t be surprised if she was already in an
arranged marriage engagement and Tom was just a distraction.
Jared tears his eyes from her long, dark hair and picks up his pace while Chad
swears from somewhere behind him.
“Not… all of us have… freakishly. Long. Legs!”
“Stop wasting your breath then,” Jared pants back.
Matt sniggers and the two of them catch up to the group of their teammates with
Chad trailing in their wake.
“Alright, that’s good!” Pellegrino calls from the sidelines.
The team slows to a walk, thumping each other on the back and carrying on as
they take their positions on the field. Jared plays midfield along with Matt
and Steve. Tom, Mike Rosenbaum, and Brock Kelly make up the attackers while
Chad and James drop back to fill two of the three defense spaces. The rest of
the positions are taken by nervous underclassmen Jared’s never spoken to.
“You shaved your head?” Jared hears James ask Chad.
James Lafferty is kinda odd. He’s a senior and extremely popular even if he
doesn’t mix much with people outside of the team. He’s blunt to the point of
being rude most of the time, but he’s damn good at sports, especially
basketball and lacrosse. He’s been on almost every team that Jared’s tried out
for. He’s great at defense and right now that’s all Jared cares about.
“Yeah,” Chad grins and runs a hand over the blonde bristles. “Whatcha think?”
Lafferty considers him for a moment. “You look like a Q-Tip.”
Chad goes scarlet as the entire team doubles over in stitches at his expense.
“Ladies, settle down,” Coach Pellegrino drawls as he steps up to the sideline.
Jared runs through the drills with ease, barking at the midfield to step it up
and feed the attackers. If he passes to Brock and Mike more than Tom it’s only
because they happen to be open.
Open and not raging douchebags, anyway.
Pellegrino scribbles away on his clipboard. Every time his pen touches paper,
Jared swears another drop of sweat runs down his back like it’s some fucked up
version of a voodoo doll. Since it tends to dictate his fate, Jared has a
grudging respect for that clipboard.
“Padalecki!” Coach calls from the sidelines. “Need a word.”
Chad slaps him on the back as he runs past and Jared crosses his fingers his
best friend will trip. No such luck, but he does get a ball to the stomach a
minute later.
“What’s up?”
“I wanted to speak to you about the captaincy position.”
Jared’s heart swells and he nods. This could be it; the break he’s been working
his ass off for since he joined the team freshman year.
“Okay, what about it?”
“You’re a great player, Padalecki, no question about that.”
Jared’s stomach clenches.
“But—”
Aaaaand here it comes.
“With your other commitments and your grades being what they are…”
His gut feels like he jumped from a plane and only just realized he forgot a
parachute. It’s not personal but it still sucks a whole lot.
“It’s okay, Coach. I get it,” Jared says hollowly.
He’s managed to say every single thing Jared was afraid of hearing in one
sentence which is kind of impressive in a way that makes him want to bash his
head on the bleachers.
“Tom’s had a great start to the season. He’s going to do well and I know you’ll
support him one hundred percent.”
“Absolutely, Coach.”
Pellegrino narrows his eyes. “I’m serious, Padalecki. The team needs you two
working together. You show me you deserve to come back as captain next season,
get your grades up, and I’ll see where we stand.”
 
                *****
 
His teammates don’t have to ask what Pellegrino said to him. Even Chad’s not
that stupid.
Tom smirks his way through the drills and laughs too loud at Lafferty’s stupid
jokes. Jared gets through practice without breaking Tom’s jaw which is an
accomplishment in itself.
He decides to walk the long way back to his dorm. He needs to get away from the
team and doesn’t think he can face even Matt for at least a few hours. Matt’s
pretty much the nicest guy he’s ever met and a great roommate, but Jared’s so
angry he’d just make an ass out of himself without meaning to—it’d be like
stepping on a kitten’s tail. Like, a blindkitten’s tail. It’d only make him
feel worse.
He’s never had a great amount of control over his temper, a side-effect of
being the son of one of the sharpest-tongued women in the South and an
uncompromising businessman who dabbles in casinos with a fraction of his
considerable fortune. Jared’s a Padalecki straight through; can’t take the word
“No” gracefully or otherwise.
He walks past the pond and fountain, still in his pads with his stick braced
across his shoulders.
The cool air brings him back to himself and he sits at the base of a pine tree
off the path. He likes the east coast seasons and Eldridge is nice this time of
year, but soon the Pennsylvania winter will set in and it’ll be dark before
five o’clock, leaving him itching for a Texas summer.
Fall here, however, means football games and off-campus keggers in costume. It
means sneaking into college parties (Swarthmore, if they’re really lucky), gigs
in Philly, and the annual shitfest that is Halloween at Eldridge. He’ll go to
some county fairs with Matt, Danneel and Chad, get wasted and maybe get a
blowjob behind a barn from a townie.
He’ll still kick ass at lacrosse and beat last year’s swim times. He’ll have at
least one drunken hookup with Sandy he’ll regret before Christmas break and
he’ll probably forbid Chad from speaking to him at least twice.
Not getting the captaincy isn’t the end of the world. Right?
He snorts and tugs up a handful of grass.
It’s only then that he realizes he has a perfect view of the parking lot and
Tom Welling himself is starting up his way too expensive convertible.
Genevieve’s there too, leaning against the driver door and smiling.
Jared has a split second hope that a bird will shit on Tom or something, but
Genevieve leans in to kiss him and gets into his car. Looks like they’re onthis
week. They drive off in Tom’s Audi A5, future Prom King and Queen as Jared
fights the urge to hurl.
He’s about to turn his attention back to destroying plants and brooding when
another figure hurries across the asphalt, walking fast to a Corolla. Jared may
not know the kid that well, but he’s seen him run in gym class enough to
recognize those weird bowlegs.
Jensen Ackles is obviously pissed off. His shoulders are drawn tight, and it’s
even more like he’s got a stick up his ass than usual.
Suddenly Jared has an idea.
He’s not going to stay pissed at Tom. He’s going to get even.
And he knows just the person who’s going to help him do it.
 
*****
 
Jensen’s been itching to get this paper back for a week. He read over it six
times before submitting it to Dr. Dinwiddie, making absolutely sure it was his
best work.
“Nice job, Jensen,” Dr. Dinwiddie nods as she glances up from her keyboard.
“You’re improving.”
Jensen’s eyes go wide and he folds the paper in half. He doesn’t want to look
too eager. “Thanks.”
He hurries out of the room and unfolds his essay, wondering if he could’ve
possibly scraped a perfect score. Dinwiddie doesn’t give praise easily.
Especially to him.
A red “92” jumps out at him from the top right corner of the page.
His desire to pull out his hair out by the roots and use it as kindling to
light himself on fire because he just got another A- by one fucking percentage
pointmight be extreme. So he grins and folds his essay in half, then over again
and again until it’s a square five pages thick in his pocket.
His phone vibrates and Jensen answers, still rocking the serial killer smile.
“Hello?”
“Hi honey, it’s me. How’s school?”
Jensen loves his mother. He’s not going to put her through watching her own son
pitch himself off a cliff no matter how much he feels like it.
“Just fine.”
“That’s good. Listen, do you think you could swing home this weekend? Josh’s in
town and he’s going to stop in for dinner on Saturday.”
Is that a twitch or has his eyelid always done that?
“Yes, Mom. I can do that.”
“Great, see you then! I hope you’re not working yourself too hard.”
“You know me, all about fun.”
Donna hesitates. “Jensen, seriously. I think coming home will be good for you.”
“I’m sure it will. Bye, Mom.”
He’s always been private about his mental breakdowns. Now seems like a lousy
time to drag his family into his compulsiveness, especially since his mother’s
been considering putting him in therapy again. Josh could give him a family
discount or something with that shiny new Psych degree of his.
Jensen takes a deep breath and walks towards his dorm, gritting his teeth
against the throb of an oncoming headache.
This place, with its high ceilings and spotlessly clean halls, its long windows
and its history of excellence, has been his home for nearly three years. It’s
never once been easy, but he can’t imagine going anywhere else. He wants to be
with the best, and Eldridge is chock full of geeks, geniuses, and kids with
influential families. Rumor has it the governor’s kids will be in the rising
freshman class.
Eldridge has been around for a while, thriving on the money of richer
Philadelphia suburbs like Media and Swarthmore. Every year it has a lottery to
allow new students from nearby counties, but they’re only accepted if their
grades are top notch. Most of the kids are boarders from other states, some as
far away as California.
Jensen lives fairly close to campus, but still prefers to board in a dorm. He
gets more work done, and the rooms are clean and comfortable—especially since
he doesn’t have a roommate. He hasn’t been to public school since he was in
elementary school in Texas. His mom and dad split before he could finish, and
when he came east with Donna, she put him in the best schools she could afford.
They’re not exactly rolling in it, but between his scholarships and Donna
working more than one job, they do okay.
Besides, it’s not like Eldridge can’t afford to foot the bill. Even the
hallways are well-decorated, the carpets the school’s trademark deep, dark blue
and the walls decorate with portraits and pictures of past students. Towards
Miss McNiven’s art room, there are some paintings that have been donated by
alumni that are supposedly worth a pretty good chunk of change, being from
nineteenth century Florence or something.
Jensen passes a trophy cabinet with a picture of the student council in it—the
junior year picture with Padalecki and Sophia and the senior photo centered on
Genevieve Cortese. Next to the pictures are several sports trophies that
Padalecki probably helped win—football and lacrosse among them. Jensen’s own
name is on a few of the framed certificates in the case, for winning
scholarships and his “Outstanding Achievements” in the Mathematics department.
His, Sophia, Misha, and Welling’s names are all on the list of National Honor
Society inductees next to a picture of Welling receiving his Eagle Scout rank,
wearing a medal for “Services to the Community.”
Jensen barely notices when the plush carpet ends and he’s walking on tile
again, glancing down at his phone when he’s knocked out of his trance by
getting shoulder-checked halfway across the hall.
Jensen’s gaze whips up to lock on Tom fuckingWelling half in his lacrosse
uniform and out of breath, clutching a graded essay in his left hand. Jensen
can’t get a good enough angle to see the number written at the top.
“Might wanna watch where you’re walking, man.”
Jensen realizes he’s staring. Possibly still twitching, too.
“It’s Ackles, right?
 As if he doesn’t fucking know. As if Jensen’s beneath his notice because he’s
second.
 Jensen grunts.
“Uh… sorry, again,” Tom shrugs, annoyed. As he breaks into a jog, he moves to
shove his paper into his bag. He doesn’t notice when it falls out two seconds
later.
Jensen walks towards it before he’s even consciously made a decision. It’s just
programmed into him to go the extra mile whether for a class or good old-
fashioned insanity.
He crouches down to pick up Tom’s paper and a bold “98” stares back at him.
Jensen starts to laugh again and punches locker 768 so hard his knuckles are
red the next day.
 
*****
 
“Jay, does my hair really look that bad?”
“Yes,” Jared grunts, not looking at Chad.
It’s Thursday and he’s bored out of his mind in Calc as usual.
He stares at the board and watches Jensen Ackles make sense of the equations in
about two minutes flat. How the helldoes he do it? He’d give his left nut to
have half that kid’s brain.
Ackles is still a douche, though, so Jared doesn’t feel all that bad about
sticking his foot into Jensen’s path as he passes his desk. He needs his
undivided attention and tripping him seems like a surefire way to get it.
Plus it’s totally worth it because murderous is a good look on Ackles.
The whole class turns to look at the commotion, a few students sniggering at
the innocent smile plastered on Jared’s face.
Jensen’s blush gives him away even as he gets ready to tear Jared a new one.
Jared’s grinning before Jensen gets his too-pretty mouth around the insults. He
mutters them only for Jared’s ear so Morgan won’t hear his star pupil’s talent
for language.
“…you hear me, you fuckingoversized moron?”
“What’s that?” Jared asks pleasantly. “I don’t think I caught all of it.”
“You alright, Jensen?” Dr. Morgan calls from behind his desk, obviously trying
to help but not wanting to embarrass Jensen further.
“Fine, sir. Just… tripped.”
“I think he hit his head, Dr. Morgan. Should I take him down to the nurse’s
office?”
Jensen’s eyes narrow and he shakes his head frantically. This keeps getting
better.
“That’s probably a good idea, Jared,” Dr. Morgan nods. “I’ll write you both a
pass.”
“Thank you, sir.”
 
 *****
 
As soon as they’re out in the hall Jensen whirls on Jared. Bad enough that he
made him look like an idiot, let alone in front of Morgan.
“Alright, what do you want?”
Jared smiles, hands outspread. “Relax, man. Just wanna talk.”
“About?”
This is so wrong. Jared Padalecki doesn’t just talkto people outside of his
circle. Jensen’s not exactly unpopular, but he doesn’t consider very many
people “friends.” It may or may not have something to do with his tendency to
be a condescending dickhead to his classmates.
“What do you know about Tom Welling?”
To be honest, not all that much except that he sucks. He’s another jock, too
good-looking like Jared. Bit more of a Boy Scout type than Padalecki, though.
Clark Kent to Jared’s Bruce Wayne, or something like that and wow he’s hit a
new low of nerdy and Padalecki definitely isn’t cool enough to—
“Not a lot.”
“But you don’t like him, do you?”
Jensen’s immediate reaction is hell no.But he has to test the waters.
“I… don’t really know the guy well enough to say.”
Jared snorts. “You can cut the crap. I know how much you want to be
valedictorian.”
Jensen’s going to killSophia. The student council officers must be getting
pretty cozy if Jared knows anything about him. After all, he’s been vice
president of their class for two years—the same amount of time Sophia’s been
secretary. 
“Okay, yeah. So what?”
“So, I’d be interested in… getting him out of the picture, too.”
Jensen has to laugh. “You gonna hire the Godfather, or what? Jesus, Padalecki,
this is high school.”
“That’s rich, coming from you.”
 “I have all of this year and next to knock him down.”
“But you won’t. Dinwiddie isn’t gonna do you any favors and you know it.”
For a second, Jensen had almost forgotten that Jared’s in his Grammar and Comp
class, too. And that he’s Dr. Dinwiddie’s favorite for some unfathomable
reason.
“And?”
“And, I’m just saying, we have the same interest here. You watch my back, I’ll
watch yours.”
Jensen hesitates. “What exactly does ‘watching’ entail?”
“I need help in my classes. In the meantime, I can make Welling’s life
difficult on the team. And, to sweeten the pot, I’ll make you look good in
Dinwiddie’s class.”
“What makes you think your winning personality’s gonna do me any good?”
“C’mon, Ackles. You know as well as I do that she likes me. If she thinks we’re
friends, maybe she’ll make an effort to see past that whole boring and uptight
thing you’ve got going on.”
Jensen considers the offer. On the one hand, he’d like to see Welling knocked
down a peg. On the other, Padalecki could do with the same and Jensen doesn’t
want to owe the guy anything.
Still, it’ll get him what he wants with less skin off his back.
“So what’re we talking here? What would we do to him?”
“Nothing that serious,” Jared assures him eagerly. “Just make things
complicated for him. Get him off his game. So we’re clear: I’m gonna do what I
have to. I expect the same from you.”
“And if we get caught?” Jensen asks.
“Every man for himself and don’t be a dick. Deal?”
Obviously. He wouldn’t expect Padalecki to go down for him, nor would he take a
hit for Jared, especially not where his future’s concerned. But Jensen’s not
getting why Jared thinks he needs his help. Padalecki’s a big enough asshole on
his own without Jensen’s contribution.
“I’ll think about it.”
Jared writes his number on a scrap of paper and hands it to Jensen like he’s
passing off the keys to the kingdom.
 
By the way Jared smiles when he walks away it’s like Jensen already said ‘yes’
and sold his soul to boot.
***** Two *****
                              Nobody warned you,
                    Nobody told you, to make up your mind.
  Nobody told you, that I could just waltz through and shake up your style.

                                 I'm inside,
                   like a wrecking ball through your mind,
                       And I change it all from inside.
                                        
“This is going to deviate from our usual coursework. But, as your college
applications are going to be sent out soon enough, I feel it’ll be a valuable
experiment. I want each of you to create a motto for yourself and apply it to
your successes and experiences. Treat this as you would a personal statement
for full credit. Convince me as to why these words fit with your personality.”
Dr. Dinwiddie writes the assignment at the top corner of the board.
“I’m giving you free reign to be as cocky and full of yourself as you like.
This should be right up your alley, Jared.”
The class giggles and casts looks at Jared who’s leaning back in his seat and
smirking. Most teachers treat Padalecki with careful reverence, as though he’s
God’s personal gift to Eldridge, autographed and all. Dr. Dinwiddie’s the only
one who genuinely seems to likeJared.
She’s also the only teacher that doesn’t particularly like Jensen. The
feeling’s mutual.
“But remember, humility can also be an attractive trait and the more down to
earth you are, the more relatable you become.”
She adds a due date underneath the assignment then pulls her hair into a loose
ponytail.
“I’ll be partnering you up at the end of class randomly for editing purposes.
Your partner will have the weekend to come up with suggestions as to how you
can improve your paper. You have until the rest of the period to work. Be sure
to switch papers before the bell rings.”
Dr. Dinwiddie gestures to the laptop cart at the front of the classroom. An
immediate scramble ensues as everyone tries to avoid getting stuck with the
shitty bottom row of computers.
Once he has a laptop Jensen glances around the room for inspiration. Classroom
posters always have cheesy inspirational slogans that essay graders love, like
“Shoot for the moon, even if you do not reach it, you will land among the
stars,”which, in Jensen’s opinion, is probably the least inspirational advice
of all time, cause it’s sort of more like “The realization that your dreams are
utterly out of your reach is good for you and once you accept that you’ll
settle down and get a real job like the rest of us.”
A poster on the left wall proclaims “A Mind Works Best When It’s Like a
Parachute: Open.”
He could run with that, but it’s not quite how he’d describe himself. Open
mindgives him the image of the parachute gliding aimlessly through the sky,
hoping for the best possible landing. Lots of room for error.
Jensen’s head operates more like Eldridge’s halls. Neat, polished, doors on
either side. He focuses on one at a time, the rest on strict lockdown until
he’s achieved what he set out to do.
The lockdown—that’s what’s important. Security. Discipline. Not giving anything
away; not budging an inch. Like well-written code, or encryption.
“Mind over matter,”really.
Jensen digs in his pocket for a mint and tears the plastic wrapper, puts it in
his mouth, and starts to type.

*****  

Of course, Jensen ends up paired with the only person he considers a bigger
dumbass than Jared— Padalecki’s best friend, Chad. So much for that whole
improving his GPA idea.
Chad saunters over a few minutes before the bell rings and holds his hand out
for Jensen’s paper. Padalecki’s watching from across the room, thoroughly
ignoring his own partner. He’s too busy smirking at Jensen to notice poor Rob
Benedict.
Chad looks up from Jensen’s essay. Squints up, really, since his eyes are kinda
stuck that way most of the time.
“Yeah, this sounds like you: totally boring, no personality, really uptight.
Nice job, Ackles.”
Jensen turns his back on Jared and glares at Chad.
“Thanks, Chad. I wish I could say the same about you comparing yourself to
James Dean, Bruce Willis, andAbraham Lincoln.”
Chad shrugs. “Great men are always misunderstood.”
Jensen hangs back after class to ask Dinwiddie if she’ll let him switch
partners, but no luck. He’s stuck with Murray. Dr. Dinwiddie has the nerve to
say she thinks Chad’s creativity might “rub off on him.”
Jensen’s very happy without anypart of Chad rubbing on him and still stuck with
him as an editor.

*****

Saturday night finds Jensen home for the weekend for the first time during the
autumn semester.
It’s less than an hour’s drive from Eldridge to his house but he still doesn’t
come home all that often. Usually he’s too busy with schoolwork anyways and
there’s not a whole lot to do in the suburbs.
He helps his mom prepare dinner, Donna venting about her coworkers and classes
over the racket of Mackenzie practicing flute in the living room.
“…I mean, I understand Organic Chem isn’t a walk in the park to begin with, let
alone when half of them didn’t take the principles course beforehand…”
Jensen nods, slicing the potato in front of him. His mind is still back at
school because being home is throwing him off his bearings.
It’s not that the house on Suddard Street is all that different. It’s more that
everything else seems to be. It’s stupid and melodramatic, but besides his room
at the end of the hall there’s nothing to prove Jensen ever belonged here.
Suddard’s been home since he was eleven, when he went to school at the private
Catholic elementary, then middle school before enrolling at Eldridge. He
learned coding here, how to program with C++ and JavaScript on an HP laptop.
Jensen even created his first virus in this house as a “fuck you” to his middle
school librarian, who didn’t believe he hadn’t stolen a copy of Hound of the
Baskervilles.He lost his virginity in a house up the street to the only friend
he’d had before Eldridge—Chris Kane, another kid from Texas who had looked out
for Jensen when he was a freshman.
Jensen’s brother, Josh, has been gone for years. And then Chris moved away,
probably playing football for some hotshot college team. Mackenzie’s taller,
her conversation less about boy bands and more about playing in band and
National Honor Society. She’s got an iPhone, (seriously what the hell, he
doesn’t even have one) and a whole bunch of giggling girlfriends to text her at
all hours.
Donna’s the only one that hasn’t changed; brilliant, balancing teaching with
her job as a hospital pediatrician. She’s added another night course (Biology)
at Swarthmore once a week to fill the time she has with her eldest out of the
house. It’s no mystery where Jensen got his workaholic streak.
“I’ve told the administration that they’ve got to keep a closer eye on him for
the sake of the students—”
Jensen scrapes the potato slices into a pan and leaves them on the counter for
his mom to finish.  Donna’s never been an amazing cook, but her specialty
scalloped potato recipe goes back generations of Jensen’s Southern branch of
family and he can’t come anywhere close to doing it justice.
“Mom?” Jensen interrupts.
“—But they don’t listen. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to complain,
they’re just not ready for my class when they get to it—”
“MOM?”
“Yeah, Jen?” Donna finally stops, glancing up at him from the sink.
“I’m gonna go to my room and get some stuff done before Josh gets here, okay?”
“Sure, sweetie.”
She ruffles his hair as he passes, messing up the perfect shape of the spikes
in the front. He scowls but doesn’t mind all that much.

*****

Jensen palms himself through his pants for what must be the eighth time in the
past two minutes. What is it with tonight?
He’d come upstairs to study for Geology and hadn’t read more than nine pages
before he’d started fidgeting because his jeans were suddenly too tight.
Figures, with the way he’s been watching his grades and stressing about Josh
coming home. Jensen keeps a tight rein on his body, never allowing an impulse
to rule him. Getting tense like this is gonna make his control fly out the
window. He needs to blow off steam, should really write some code or try a new
set of inputs for the algorithm he’s been writing. Except that would be
slacking and Jensen doesn’t slack.
He squints and leans forward until the type of his textbook is about four
inches from his glasses. Crude oil could be interesting, right? He rereads the
line in the middle of the page three times.
Studies have shown that peak crude oil production is upon us and the
consequences will likely be severe…
Rubbing one out between assignments isn’t exactly what he wants. He gives up,
closing his book with a sigh and padding to the bathroom. A cold shower will
have to do.
Consequences will likely be severe.
The words meander around his mind and filter into the thoughts that have been
lurking untapped for the entire day, namely Tom Welling and Jared’s offer. If
there’s one situation in his life with potentially severe consequences, it’d
have to be working with that moron.
Padalecki makes his skin crawl. Not in all bad ways, but crawl nonetheless.
While he waits for the water to warm up to a tolerable temperature, Jensen
strips down to his boxer-briefs and examines his reflection in the mirror. His
skin’s gotten better since freshman year but there’s nothing he can do about
the little kid freckles.
He peels off his underwear and gets under the stream, lets the water pour over
him and tries to relax. It has to be obvious he’s not still washing his hair
twenty-five minutes later but it’s not like anyone’s gonna call him out for
jerking it. Not that he has, yet.
His hand’s poised at the small of his back, index and middle fingers pressed
against the swell of his ass. The heat in his cheeks increases at the mere
thought of what he could do; what he wantsto do with the small tub of Vaseline
under the sink.
He moves his hand away and slumps against the wet tile wall with a sigh.
Jensen started doing this a year ago; teasing, getting himself high on the
sensations of his body without totally giving in to them, and only if he really
wants it. Eventually he started getting off on the simple fact that he was
denying himself. He used to think about sex all the time until not having a
release became part of his routine, part of how he went through his days—too
much energy, so much want pent up inside a single body. It’s come in handy,
actually, as he channels it outwards into other aspects of his life.
He likes testing his own limits. It’s not about just getting off. Sometimes he
draws the process out for a few days without finishing.
He hasn’t had actual sex since he lost his virginity in his freshman year. Not
that he doesn’t enjoy it. But thinking about coming and not doing it,getting
right up to the edge and hanging off—
Already a shiver’s climbing up from the base of his spine. His legs go a little
liquidy at the knees and he moves his middle finger to his rim. Jensen strokes
the tight ring of flesh with the pad of his fingertip, shuddering and pressed
up against the wet tile wall.
He imagines what it’d be like, having slick fingers inside him, working him
open; can practically feel the warm weight of a body against his back. Jensen
opens his mouth around his wrist, sucking his own skin as his finger makes
unfulfilled promises. The longer he waits the better the ache gets until he’s
practically sobbing with how bad he wants release.
Jensen moves his hand away from his ass and makes a fist around the base of his
cock. His heart hammers, his breathing so ragged it hurts. He closes his eyes
and rocking his hips up against the slick tile to get some friction; the
angle’s awkward, the tile chafing, but it’s good.
His mouth goes from sucking to biting on his wrist to keep from moaning out
loud. Cool water lights on his cheeks, dispelling the flush building in his
face.
“Jensen? Honey? Dinner’s ready. Your brother’s on his way home!” His mother’s
knocking on the door, startling Jensen into stillness.
And fuck if the thought of getting caught in the act doesn’t make his dick
blurt out precome, white and sticky as it runs down the wall.
“Jensen?”
“G-got it.”  
                       
*****


Jensen holds a napkin up to his mouth and spits his mint into it.
His family’s gathered around the table, the picture of suburban life right down
to the missing father figure. Donna’s at the head with Josh and Jensen on
either side of her and Mackenzie on Jensen’s right. Last Jensen heard Alan’s
still living in Dallas. He can stay there for the next fifty years for all
Jensen cares.
“Your brother’s been doing really well at Eldridge,” Donna says as she passes
Josh the salad.
If this were a movie, Jensen would be narrating about how everything’s
comfortable when he comes home, that his family’s still the same as ever. But
they’re not.
Mackenzie’s trying to be sneaky by texting under the table while Josh walks
Donna through his work day. Jensen ignores the meatloaf on his plate in favor
of the cheesy potatoes despite the fact he’s not that hungry.
“Atta boy. You looking at schools yet?”
Jensen shrugs. “A bit.”
Josh nods and swallows. “You could always apply to Temple. I had a blast
there.”
Josh graduated with honors from the Psychology program, specializing in
cognitive psych and landing a job his first year out of college. He’s now the
lab director at University of Pennsylvania’s Department of Psychology which
everyone is just thrilledabout, even if Josh barely scraped through high school
because he was too busy trying to look cool and get laid.
“Temple’s, uh, not exactly what I had in mind.”
“Yeah?”
Josh is trying to be helpful. Temple’s a great school and it’s not his fault
Jensen’s too stuck up to consider it.
“I’m going Ivy League.”
Josh and Donna exchange a look that has Jensen’s blood boiling. Like there he
goes again, ain’t that precious.
“That’s great, Jen. You should follow your dreams.”
“Jensen’s been working very hard. I’d be surprised if he doesn’t at least get
wait-listed. Not that I don’t think he can do it,” Donna adds.
Wait-listed?Jensen’s grip on his fork is going to crack either it or his
fingers at this rate. It’s not that she means to be discouraging. Jensen’s
wired with the same stuff as his mother. Neither sugarcoat what they think is
the truth, while Josh and Mack can spin a line of bullshit like nobody’s
business.
Jensen attributes that particular trait to his father after years’ worth of
missed birthday calls and subsequent excuses. Alan’s never forgotten his son’s
birthday; he just doesn’t give a shit. He has his own family, a do-over with a
dental hygienist that produced two sons. Jensen’s never met his half-brothers
and plans to keep it that way.
“It’s a lot of work, though, Jen. Harder than high school,” Josh points his
fork at him to emphasize his point.
No shit.
“Yeah I figured, seeing as they’re the best schools in the country,” Jensen has
to physically restrain himself from rolling his eyes.
“Jensen,” Donna warns. “Watch your tone.”
“You should see the stuff my students go through, man, I’m telling you. I don’t
envy them.”
It’s beyond Jensen how Josh managed to get that job. He’s not stupid by any
means, but he never tried when he was in high school. Jensen remembers trying
to do homework over Josh’s attempts to play guitar and being woken up in the
middle of the night when he snuck girls in through his bedroom window.
“Eldridge is known for producing Ivy League students,” Jensen says.
“He sounds like a brochure,” Josh says to Donna. “He’ll fit right in at Yale.”
Jensen’s knowledge of physics tells him he has the perfect angle to use his
spoon to catapult potato at his older brother’s face. It’s tempting.
“Mack, put your phone away and eat your dinner,” Donna swoops in before Jensen
has a chance to respond.
Mackenzie sulks her way through the meal. Jensen might be a junior in high
school and therefore much less entitled to pouting than his younger sister, but
he does it anyways and puts her tantrum to shame.

*****

Jensen’s eyes are starting to cross from exhaustion when Donna knocks on his
door.
“Jensen?”
He puts his Geology book aside and pushes his glasses up his nose. “Yeah?”
“You doing homework?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s Saturday,” Donna sighs.
“I’m aware.”
He doesn’t meet her eyes because he knows he’s being a little shit. He’s beena
little shit all night. Still, he’d be doing homework back at school no matter
what day it was.  Explaining himself to Josh over the dinner table only brought
his motivation back in double time.
“I was wondering if…”
She takes a deep breath, a sure sign she’s about to say something he’ll hate.
Jensen takes a sip of water from the glass on his bedside table to give her
time.
“Maybe I should take you out of that school.”
Jensen chokes.
“I just want you to be happy,” She says in a rush, trying to explain herself
before Jensen can breathe again and therefore start freaking out on her.
“A-am,” he wheezes.
She casts an eye over the pile of textbooks next to his bed.
“Honey, just lookingat all those books makes me feel like I’ve got scoliosis.”
“If it makes you feel any better, the majority of adolescent scoliosis cases
are female,” he rasps.
“I know that, don’t be a smartass.”
“I’m just saying—”
“I put you in Eldridge because I thought you’d do well there.”
“Mom, look, I can get that A out of Dinwiddie, I swear—”
“Jesus Christ,Jensen,” his mom actually throws her hands up in frustration.
“Enough about your grades, okay? I meant I wanted you to be happy.I wouldn’t
give a rat’s ass if you were failing that woman’s class if you’d just…”
Just what? Smile and skip around the house on weekends? Smash beer cans on his
forehead like other kids?
Donna takes another deep breath. Jensen can practically hear her trying out
this week’s parenting tip from Oprah’s magazine.
“I’m sorry, Jen. I just don’t want you to end up like me.”              
Seeing as she teaches at one of the best schools in the state, is a single
parent, and can still balance a second job, Jensen doesn’t see how that’d be
such a bad thing.
Jensen shrugs. “It’s okay.”
“I’m proud of you, no matter what. You don’t have to be perfect.”
She gets up from his bed, looking into his face even though he won’t meet her
eyes. He clutches the Geology text book, waiting for her to leave so he can
dive back into something productive.
“I know.”
She closes the door behind her and Jensen only feels worse. He drops the book
to the floor with a thud and pulls his comforter up to his chin.
But I want to be. I will be.
*****

Jensen drives back to school on Sunday morning. He rolls down the Corolla’s
windows and hums along to the Wilco album he downloaded last week, inhaling the
air that’s starting to take on an autumn chill.
After he parks (he has a reserved space for “academic excellence”), Jensen
strolls down the brick lane and kicks the first of the season’s fallen leaves
with his Converse. Besides everything else Eldridge offers, it has a beautiful
campus. The original brick buildings of the school have white Doric columns,
facades facing inwards on a circular courtyard that makes up the heart of the
school. The Circle’s a kind of gathering place for pickup games of Frisbee and
a lot of kids hang out there between classes on sunny days, except in the
middle of the fall semester. It might as well be an Eldridge calendar holiday
the way everyone knows to avoid it. Geese migrating south for the winter stop
in every autumn and treat The Circle like their personal pond-side resort.
Jensen doesn’t envy the groundskeepers who take care of the lawn after all the
birds have gone because it’s nearly biblical how much shit and feathers the
flock leaves in its wake. The easiest way to tell a freshman on Eldridge’s
campus is by watching who’s trying to wipe goose shit off their shoes before
entering the dining hall. It’s that bad.
Jensen takes the path around The Circle and climbs the hill to the dining hall
where Sophia meets him for brunch. He hasn’t seen her since that fateful Calc
class, so he spills the details of Jared’s offer over plates of eggs, toast,
and in Jensen’s case, sausage. Sophia’s been a vegetarian as long as he’s known
her.
“I dunno, Jen. Tom’s a prick but doesn’t this seem a little extreme to you?”
“He said it wouldn’t be anything serious,” Jensen reminds her as much as
himself.
“Serious in your book or his?”
Jensen shrugs. He hadn’t really thought of that.
“You should’ve seen Welling on Thursday. First he practically runs me over, and
then he has the nerve to act like he doesn’t know who I am. We’ve been in
classes together since freshman fucking year!”
“Did you ever consider this might be another Josh thing?”
“Meaning what?” Jensen growls.
“Meaning that you have a tendency to get competitive when no one else is
playing.”
“He’s Valedictorian of Eldridge.He’s definitely playing. He couldn’t be in the
top spot if he wasn’t.”
“Why do you care so much anyways? You’ll still get to talk at graduation and I
know that’s just your favorite thing in the whole wide world,” Sophia grins and
waves her fork at him.
Jensen loathes public speaking more than spiders and black licorice—more than
spiders force-feeding him black licorice— and since Sophia’s pretty much the
best speaker in the whole school, it brings her a special kind of pleasure to
tease him about it. She actually competes in that sort of thing at school
conventions.Whoever invented thatis a special kind of sadist.
“Fuck off. You know it’s not about that.”
“Jensen, you’ll have all the same opportunities he does,” she sighs and pushes
scrambled egg around on her plate. “Schools are gonna be drooling to get your
applications.”
“We don’t know that,” Jensen says. “So let’s pretend for a second that I take
Padalecki up on it—what’s the deal? You see a lot of him at council meetings,
don’t you?”
“Yeah, I guess I do.”
“And? What’s he like?”
“You know what he’s like,” Sophia scowls. “He’s a self-centered douchebag
about, say, eighty percent of the time. Plus, he dated Sandy McCoy for like,
ever.” She mimes a yawn.
“And the other twenty?”
“He does good work for student council. He’s good at getting teachers to back
our proposals, and he’s done a lot for the athletic department. He got Larson
to agree to the new track and the new uniforms for the football team.”
“So you trust him?”
“No,” Sophia answers at once. “I think he sucks. I think he’s a spoiled brat
who’s used to getting what he wants and can’t stand that Tom’s beating him at
something.”
She shoots Jensen a pointed look which is a little unfair. Jensen’s not that
spoiled compared to everyone else at Eldridge. Besides, he works hard to get
what he wants.
Right now he wants Tom’s head on a pike. Metaphorically.  Well, mostly
metaphorically.
Maybe Sophia’s got a point about his competition issues.
“On the upside, I could probably find a way to fuck Padalecki over, too,”
Jensen muses.
“Take on one dick at a time. Haven’t I taught you anything?” Sophia raises an
eyebrow at him.
“You know me. Always up for a challenge.”
She laughs and they take their time eating, talking about classes which turns
into talking about how hot Dr. Morgan is.
“I get to interview him for the paper, it’s gonna be hard not to ask ‘on a
scale of one to ten, how strict is your policy on not sleeping with students?’”
Sophia sighs into her scrambled eggs.
“If you find out it’s below a ten let me know. How’s the new issue coming,
anyways?”
“It’s gonna be great,” Sophia gushes. “Kripke’s finally backed down and we’re
allowed to bring back PCP! And—” she says, waving her fork in the air, “with
complete freedom of speech. As long as there’s no profanity, racial slurs,
etcetera.”
“Bringing back PCP” would sound pretty sketchy to anyone outside of Eldridge.
It’s the school newspaper’s Point-Counterpointsection in which students submit
articles that are used to spark a debate. 
Sophia’s been on the school’s newspaper staff since she was a freshman and was
actually partly responsible for PCP’s discontinuation after her “strongly-
worded” and “spirited” response to an article written by a senior guy that
implied men made better sports journalists.
Sophia wasn’t even that interested in football until the guy said she wouldn’t
know a field goal from a touchdown. To this day it makes Jensen’s head spin how
much she memorized about the Eagles’ record for the past six seasons after that
comment.
Ironically, Sophia’s been thinking about a career with ESPN ever since she
wrote the counterpoint that lost the paper its debate section. She reads the
school’s sports news on the announcements every other day, switching off with
James Lafferty.
“He’s kinda cute, don’t you think?”
“Who, James?”
Jensen glances up at the muted TV showing the morning announcements. Misha’s
behind the camera somewhere, making sure everything runs smoothly. James is in
front of it, giving the weekend sports schedule. The only time Lafferty comes
off as personable is when he’s talking about statistics or the lacrosse team’s
prospects for the playoffs.
“He’s alright, I guess.”
“Yeah. Spends a lot of time with Chad Murray though,” Sophia wrinkles her nose.
“Anyways, I gotta run, I have a deadline tonight. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t
do.”
 
*****
 
Jensen hangs his uniform up in his closet. He’s been pacing for about an hour
and should really get to bed. After all, there’s that Geology quiz tomorrow for
Shields.
Eventually he caves and makes a list. He unwraps a Lifesaver and makes two
columns.
Cons:
Cons:
   1.       Make Padalecki look good / get what he wants
   2.       Possibly getting in trouble(He’s not worried—he’s an expert at doe
      eyed apologies and feigned ignorance)
   3.       Being a dick(Nothing new)
   4.       Extra Calc homework(Not difficult)
   5.      Time commitment
Pros:
   1. Make Tom look like a dick
   2. Become Valedictorian?
   3.  Raise GPA?
   4. Chance to hack / try out new code(If it’s necessary to get into Tom’s
      computer, that is)
   5. General sense of satisfaction
   6. Get back at Tom for ignoring me(petty but Jensen can’t fucking stand
      being ignored, especially on purpose)
   7. Get Dinwiddie to like me?(Jensen’s skeptical Jared can swing it)
 
So the pros outweigh the cons. Logic dictates that he should follow through. He
takes the scrap of paper out from where it’s folded in the front pocket of his
bag.
Ten random digits have never looked so intimidating.
He enters them into his phone under a new contact. He hesitates at the blank
“Name” space. Putting “Padalecki” makes it seem as though they’re bros or
something and Jensen can’t imagine anything worse. “Jared” is too familiar.
“Jared Padalecki” is too formal, like he’s showing off somehow, like yeah, I
have Jared Padalecki’snumber. But “Jared P” is so middle school.
Fuck it. He leaves the name space blank and starts a new text.
I’ll do it. This is
He pauses again. This is Jensen? This is Ackles? This is Jensen Ackles? He
could just send his initials and Jared would get the hint. No, too pretentious.
Should he attach his name at all? How many people could Jared have sending him
cryptic three word text messages?
This is Jensen. I’ll do it.
He sends the message with a sigh. He already regrets it.
He imagines the guy who bought the Segway company and proceeded to drive off a
cliff to his death on one must’ve felt like this. He probably hadn’t known what
he was dealing with until he’d gone over the edge, had a moment of sheer
embarrassment, too, right before he hit the rocks. Which is the phase Jensen’s
currently at.
He snorts out loud. No wonder he’s not getting an A in Dinwiddie’s class when
in a moment of genuine emotional distress the only analogies he can think of
involve terrible deaths and Segways.
At least there’s no chance of dying except from embarrassment at this point.
He tosses and turns for hours that night but Jared never texts back.
***** Three *****
                         Oh, he's gonna let you down
                           He's gonna let you down
                           He's gonna let you down
                   He's gonna break your back for a chance
                   He's gonna steal your friends if he can
                            He's gonna win someday
                                        
“What did you call me in for, Dr. Morgan?”
Jensen had been pulled out of art class with Miss McNiven five minutes ago.
According to the front office, Dr. Morgan had needed to see him about his
grade.
He looks good this morning; even better than usual in a charcoal gray suit
coat, black sweater and cream colored slacks. Jensen’s always appreciated a man
with a little shadow and Morgan’s managed to perfect the art of stubble.
“Your performance has been, frankly, outstanding,” Morgan tells him, easing to
sit on the edge of his desk with his legs crossed in front of him. He’s tall.
Really tall. And broad. His shoulders go on forever.
He fixes his brown eyes on Jensen. His brow ridge is like, perfect. Which is a
totally normal thing to think about your teacher.
“But,” Morgan begins, his eyes dragging away from Jensen’s face and steadily
moving south, “I think you could do better. Maybe you just need more…” He cocks
his head to the side. “…Discipline.”
Jensen’s knees go rubbery and he steadies himself by leaning on a desk.
“Yes, sir,” he gulps.
Morgan uncrosses his legs and stands to his full height with a crooked smile.
“Go to the blackboard, Jensen.”
Jensen tries to keep himself from staggering.
“Stand right there,” Morgan says. “Legs apart. Face the board.”
Morgan steps closer. Jensen can hear him approaching by the heels of his
expensive shoes.
His cheeks flush, his breathing shaky and Dr. Morgan’s gravelly voice is
telling him to unbutton his shirt.
He does so, already hard because he can feel Morgan looming behind him.
Morgan’s chest is at his back, he’s murmuring in Jensen’s ear.
His scruff rasps over the back of Jensen’s jaw and holy fuck he’s gonna blow
his load before—
WHAM. WHAM WHAM WHAM.
“Ackles? You in there?”
Jensen jolts awake, sitting up so fast he almost bends double. Which is
reallyuncomfortable since, oh shit, morning wood.
Someone’s hammering on his door.
“Rise and shine, Ackles!”
It’s 6:45 according to his bedside alarm clock. He usually sleeps for another
half an hour.
Jensen means to say, open the fucking door asshole,but all he manages is a
groan.
“It’s locked. Get your ass outta bed!”
Sophia’s the only one who talks to him like that and it’s definitely not a
female voice on the other side. Jensen has a feeling he knows who it is. It
makes his blood run cold and his half-hard cock calm down immediately.
But Padalecki—he wouldn’t. Would he?
He puts on his glasses and shuffles to the door, checking himself out in the
mirror first. He doesn’t like people seeing him before he’s ready. He pats his
hair flat and runs his fingers through the front so it’ll stand up a bit.
Padalecki’s slouched against the door frame, hair damp and already fully
dressed. He’s clutching a steaming cup and grinning like it’s not the crack of
fucking dawn and there’s nothing he’d rather be doing.
“Morning. Let me in, I gotta talk to you.”
His eyes rake over Jensen’s bare chest and it’s like he knows he’s making
Jensen’s skin prickle the way the smile turns into a leer.
“Pretty sweet digs, I gotta say. Must be nice having a room to yourself.”
It is. Jensen would go insane if he had a roommate. “Top ten juniors and top
ten seniors get their own rooms, you know how it works.”
“Yeah,” Jared nods. “And your own bathroom? Lucky bastard.”
Jensen steps back and retreats to his bed. He pulls the covers up around his
waist and yawns.
“This better be good, Padalecki. The fuck you doing up so early, anyways?”
“Swim practice,” Jared says.
“I thought you played lacrosse.” Jensen rubs his eyes behind his glasses.
“I do both. I rotate teams I play on every year. Last year I did football and
lacrosse, this year it’s swim and lacrosse.”
Right. No big deal.
“Of course you do. Anyways, what do you want?”
“I thought we could discuss our arrangement,” Jared says and flops down on to
Jensen’s desk chair.
“Seriously, Padalecki, if we’re gonna do this you have to swear to stop talking
like we’re having the guy assassinated.”
“Sure thing. Whatever you want,” Jared grins and it takes all of Jensen’s
willpower not to slap it off his face.
Padalecki has dimples. Jensen’s noticed them before, but when all the force of
Jared’s smile is turned on him the effect is dazzling. Why the hell would a guy
like Padalecki be able to pull that off? He’s on his own level, no, planetof
douchiness, and he can look that innocent?
It’s another thing Jensen adds to his mental list of life’s injustices.
“Why can’t we do this later, anyways?”
“Had to catch you at a good time.”
“You could hardly have picked a worse one,” Jensen croaks.
Jared hands over the Styrofoam cup he’s been holding. Black coffee, the Sumatra
flavor Jensen gets every morning at breakfast. “I meant good for me.”
“That’s awful kind of you but you should know I don’t put out on the first
date,” Jensen says, taking a sip of sweet, life-bringing caffeine.
Jared’s eyes flick down to Jensen’s stomach and back again. As if to say, I
could change that.
Jensen fidgets and pulls the blanket tighter around himself.
“Then I’ll get right down to the details.”
 Jared stands up and starts pacing the dorm, the exact same route Jensen took
last night. Hard not to since the dorms are about as big as the average hamster
cage.
 “I need help in Calc. Whether you wanna tutor me or whatever is up to you.
Point being I need my grade to go up.”
“Doable. What’s next?”
“Sit next to me in Dinwiddie’s class. It’ll make us look like we’re friends.
She’ll notice.”
“What’s that gonna help?”
Jared stops pacing to laugh at him. “Ackles, the only reason she doesn’t like
you is that she thinks you’ve totally got a stick up your ass. Which you do.”
Jensen grumbles.
“Oh, that reminds me. Chad asked me to give this back to you.” He digs in his
bag for a moment and hands Jensen’s essay back to him. It’s covered in tiny
chicken-scratch comments written by Chad that Jensen’s not sure he’ll even be
able to read. Not that it matters, probably.
“Sounds like someone has a few control issues.”
Jensen takes a calming breath. He’s not letting Padalecki get under his skin.
Not today. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that Chad let Jared read his paper.
They probably read it aloud at the weekly LAX team circle jerk.
“I wouldn’t expect you to understand. Isn’t your motto ‘chase after ball?’ or
maybe ‘go team go?’”
“I wouldn’t expect you to understand,” Jared mocks in a high-pitched tone,
looking down his nose at Jensen. “Do you even listento yourself?”
“When I’m not busy trying to tune people like you out.”
Jared shakes his head and laughs.
Jensen doesn’t know what it is about Padalecki that pisses him off without
Jared having to say a thing. It’s a reflex. Even if Jared’s just sitting in
front of him, Jensen itches to throw some cutting remark. Half the time he
doesn’t think before it’s out of his mouth.
He doesn’t mean to come across so condescending. Jared drags out his barely
hidden inner-asshole without lifting a finger.
“So, you read my paper. What’d you think?” It’s as close to an apology as
Jensen can manage.
“What do you care? I wouldn’t understand.”
“You understand Dinwiddie’s grading and that’s good enough for me.”
Jared puts his water bottle on Jensen’s desk. Jensen tries not to flinch when
it sweats a ring on to the wood.
“Honestly? You’re good, but…”
“But what?”
“It’s like reading an instruction manual. Like, these are the ingredients to
make your very own Jensen Ackles.It doesn’t tell me why I’d want one. It
doesn’t say anything about what makes you different. What makes you who you
are.”
Jensen doesn’t get it. Jensen doesn’t not get things. It pisses him off. “I
don’t know what you mean.”
“I mean, there’s a difference between you on paper and you in person. There are
other kids who get good grades and suck at life, but you’re not them, are you?”
“No.”
It almost sounds like Jared’s saying Jensen’s…better? More interesting than
other kids at Eldridge at least, even as he’s semi-insulting him.
“Reading your paper is reading class ranks versus, say, meeting you in a face
to face interview. There’s no voice.”
Jensen stares at Jared because now he’s starting to understand. But how the
hell does Padalecki know this shit? He sleeps through half his classes and
that’s ifhe shows up.
“How can I fix it?”
Jared shrugs. “Rewrite it. Say what you’re writing out loud before you type it
out. You’ve got an ear for bullshit, so use it. If you sound like a robot,
you’re not getting your voice across.”
Padalecki pops a mint from Jensen’s desk into his mouth and Jensen keeps on
staring, more than a little freaked out. Jared Padalecki’s giving himadvice.
Good advice.
“Besides, what d’you need my help for? You get straight A’s like, every year.”
“Not this year,” Jensen shakes his head. “I can’t get past Dinwiddie. I’d heard
she was tough but she will notgive me above a ninety-two.”
Jared rolls his eyes. “Oh, poor you.”
Jensen tenses and has to take a deep breath. He hates when people get on him
about his grades, which is why he has the friends he does. They understand that
“passing” isn’t the same as “succeeding.” Then again, even Sophia teases Jensen
for how seriously he takes school sometimes.
“You know as well as I do that that’s not good enough for this school.”
“Yeah, I guess not. What’s your end game?”
“I dunno yet. Government, maybe. I just don’t want to have my options limited
by my own failings,” Jensen shrugs. “If I wanted to go to a certain school, or
get into a certain program, or go for a specific job, and I didn’t do all I
could to qualify for it, I’d be pissed at myself.”
“How’re you supposed to know when you’ve done enough, then?”
“You can always do more.”
Jared laughs and shakes his head. “I guess I get it. Sports can be like that.
Can always be fitter, faster; something. So what’s your trauma?”
“Child of divorce,” Jensen shrugs. “Like most kids here.”
“Still, doesn’t really explain it though, does it?”
“Explain what?”
“Your overachiever thing. Every class’ top ten at this school areroyally fucked
up.”
“My mom said my future was up to me. My brother barely scraped through public
high school and she didn’t give a shit. She only gets on my case if she thinks
I’m not doing enough. Which I’m not.”
“What, are you kidding?” Jared gapes. “My mom would shit herself if I brought
home a report card like yours.”
“I can do better.”
Jared blinks at him. “I think she meant do what you can, not kill yourself over
it.”
Of course Jared’s never met Donna so he can’t know that she wouldn’t expect
anything more of Jensen than of herself. Donna’s never half-assed a single task
in her life. Even her grocery shopping is methodical.
“I guess so, yeah.”
“Anyways,” Jared gets up and stretches. “It’s been a blast but I’ve got shit to
do and I assume you have to polish your spelling bee trophies or something so…”
Jared makes for the door.
“I’m terrible at spelling,” Jensen blurts.
Jared hesitates with his hand on the door knob. “Good to know you have a
weakness.”
He shuts the door behind him.
Jensen puzzles over Padalecki’s parting words all throughout European History.
Even if the conversation had been mostly civil, good to know you have a
weaknessstill sounds an awful lot like a threat.
 
*****
 
“Misha, I’ve got a favor to ask.”
Misha Collins blinks too-blue, wide eyes at him from across the library table.
He’s got a stack of about fifteen books in front of him, his Botany textbook
open on the desk.
“Does it involve hacking into any kind of government organization? I’d be down,
but last week I may or may not have set off some—”
“Nah, calm down. Just something basic. Stupid joke on a friend.”
“Oh, okay. That’s fine then. What do you need me to do?”
“The lacrosse captaincy thing is big news tomorrow, right?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Well, Tom Welling and I have a bet going, and long story short, I need to make
an ass of him in public. Just a little name switching, nothing major.”
Jensen doesn’t have to say that Misha won’t get into trouble for it. Because,
A, Misha never gets in trouble (at least from the school), and B, if they got
rid of Misha, the morning announcements would fall to shit. The guy’s a tech
genius, eight times better than Jensen at anything that has wires and uses
electricity.
Jensen could hack into the files on the Broadcasting Club’s computer but it’s
so much easier to ask Misha, especially since he’d be able to tell if anything
in the system had been altered.
“I thought you hated Tom?” Misha raises an eyebrow.
“Hate? Nah, man. All it is is a little friendly rivalry.”
“I don’t think it’s possible for you to combine ‘friendly’ and ‘rivalry,’
Jensen.”
The fact that what Misha says is true doesn’t make it less annoying.
“Jesus, if I hear one more word from my own goddamn friendsabout how I’m—”
Misha smiles, unrattled, because it’s actually impossible to faze Misha
Collins. Jensen’s bitching fades into grumbles.
“What’ve you been up to, anyways? Haven’t heard from you in a while.”
“Been busy,” Jensen says. “Y’know, the usual. Plus I’ve picked up tutoring.”
Misha nods. “That’s good. But I never thought of you as the ‘helping others’
type.”
“Looks good on my applications.”
“Ah,” Misha nods again. “That explains it. Anyways, I need a favor back.”
“Shoot,” Jensen says.
“I’m going away for a few days because of the Envirothon competition. Can you
take care of my moth orchids? They don’t need much attention. Just make sure
they’re not in direct sunlight all day.”
“Sure thing, Mish. Am I supposed to water them, or…?”
Misha checks his watch and starts piling books into his bag.
“Well, no, not really. But misting wouldn’t hurt. Make sure they’re hydrated.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
Misha shrugs, zipping up his backpack and walking away before he’s even done
speaking.
“Use your best judgment. I’ve gotta get going. Thanks, Jensen.”
“No problem,” Jensen mutters as Misha practically leaves him in the dust.
He really hopes orchids are the kind of plants that can go without water
because he has no idea what the hell misting means.
 
*****
 
Tom Welling’s ability to be a massive dickhead actually ends up doing Jensen a
favor.
Jensen never told Sophia that he’d agreed to work with Padalecki and he’s been
kinda dreading the moment when she inevitably found out. She talked to
Padalecki every week at student council and they have a lot of the same
friends, both being so involved with the athletic department.
And it’s not that Jensen’s guilty about keeping a secret, per se, but he does
jump every time she so much as mentions Tom, Jared, or even the lacrosse team.
So yeah, maybe he’s a little afraid of her reaction. 
Tom, bless his obnoxious, chauvinist heart, spares Jensen a massive telling off
when he publishes a piece in the newspaper about the guys’ soccer team. Which
of course wouldn’t be bad—if he didn’t compare them to the girls’ simply to say
how much better the guys’ is. Not just on a competitive level, either.
Tom goes the whole sexist hog.
His article ends up basically being a head scratching rant about how the pace
of women’s sports can’t keep up with men’s, that the crowds drawn won’t be as
big, same old bullshit—and all Jensen can do is sit back and wait for the
storm.
Sure enough, when Sophia bursts into his dorm the afternoon the paper goes out,
she’s practically exhaling smoke from her nostrils.
“Did you—?”
“I did.”
“I hadto publish it. It was an opinion piece so we couldn’t axe it according to
the rules, which issuchbullshit. If there are clauses about race and religious
sensitivity there sure as shit should be something about gender, but I guess
that’s out of the fucking question.”
Sophia slams her purse down on Jensen’s desk.
“I don’t understand how he’s even allowed to say something like that. I mean,
whatever, since the girls on the soccer team could probably kick his ass.”
“I bet your friends aren’t too happy.”
Jensen himself is torn.
On the one hand, it’s pretty fucking terrible that an article like that got
published in the first place. But now he has the perfect window to spill the
beans about his and Jared Padalecki’s deal.
“Danneel Harris might actually beat me to murdering him. She’s captain this
year and the team’s actually doing reallywell, which Tom might know if he
wasn’t so busy talking out his ass.”
“Well that’s kind of what he does, Soph.”
Sophia’s hands clench into fists.
“Y’know what? Fuck it. Do whatever you’re gonna do, because he’s got it fucking
coming.”
Jensen nods solemnly like he’s taking on some kind of sacred duty.
“I’ll let Padalecki know it’s on, then.”
 
*****
 
The next day Sophia delivers brilliantly, not so much as cracking a smile when
the photograph of Tom comes up on screen with the caption “Dick S. Welling.”
Jensen’s homeroom, however, dissolves into laughter. Even nervous Dr. Tigerman
cracks a smile at the apparent “mix-up.”
He catches up with Sophia after first period.
“How’d it go?”
“Kripke was pissed at first, but I told him I had no idea his name wasn’t
Richard,” She sniggers. “Took a lot of eyelash batting, too.”
“And Mish?”
“Please. That little shit could murder the entire crew and get away with it. No
one thought for a second he had anything to do with it.”
It takes a week for the novelty of calling Tom “Dick Swelling” to wear off.
Everywhere Tom goes, the name follows.
It’s not even that funny, but Jensen savors every second of it and Padalecki
even nods at him in the hallway between classes.
Not that Jensen cares.
 
*****
 
“Are you listening?”
“I mean, we could key his car or something, I guess—”
Jensen seriously regrets agreeing to tutor Padalecki. He’s done three of the
homework problems Morgan gave them and that’s with Jensen’s help. He checks his
texts every five seconds because that’s about how long it takes him to get six
new messages in his inbox. Even Sophia would be amazed.
While Jensen checks his work, Jared muses half-assed ideas to get back at Tom
out loud.
“Padalecki,” Jensen snaps his fingers under Jared’s nose like he’s an overlarge
Golden Retriever. He’d probably chase a stick if Jensen felt like throwing one
across the library.
Trying to teach a dumb dog complicated tricks is a waste of time and Jensen’s
time isn’t something he gives out for free.
“Try number four again. You’re doing the same thing I pointed out earlier.”
Jared huffs and bends over the desk, his nose scrunching up in concentration.
He’s definitely doing the problem wrong but at least he’s quiet for a few
minutes so Jensen’s head stops pounding.
The sun’s gone down and Jensen would much rather be in his dorm, studying or
maybe taking a break to talk to Sophia on the phone. As it is, he’s stuck with
a brain-dead jock going over the same Calc problems seventeen times and still
not making any progress.
Jared passes the notebook back to Jensen.
“Here, check it.”
“Did you get the derivative?”
“Uh, yeah. I guess?”
Jensen doesn’t have to look for more than a minute to know Jared’s completely
ignored what he’s been trying to tell him. He’s repeating the same mistake over
and over.
“Or I could trash his locker,” Jared murmurs to himself.
Jensen throws his pencil down on the table, looking for all the world like a
frustrated kindergarten teacher trying to reign in her most hyperactive brat.
It’s past nine and they’ve made virtually no progress on Padalecki’s homework.
“I dunno about you,Padalecki, but I’ve got shit I’d much rather be doing.”
Jared sighs and runs a hand through his shaggy hair.
“Look could you… uh, just, give me yours? Like you’re really good at this shit
and I have swim practice tomorrow, and—”
“You want me to do your homework for you?” Jensen repeats, disbelieving.
“I mean, you’ve already done it, right? It’s not like it’s extra work for you.”
“The whole point of this is to bring your grade up. That’s not gonna happen if
you copy my answers. Homework’s only a quarter of our grade anyways.”
“Yeah, but it’s a quarter I don’t have at the moment,” Jared points out.
Jensen’s never let anyone look off his homework. First, it’s directly against
the school’s Honor Code. Cheating equals automatic expulsion, sometimes even
for the kid being copied off. Second, everyone does their homework at Eldridge
anyways.
Jensen rubs his eyes under his glasses. It’s way too late for this considering
he didn’t want to do it in the first place. His patience ran out a long time
ago and if giving Padalecki some basic Calc answers will clear his evening,
it’s worth it. Ten more minutes together and someone’s gonna end up spending
the night in the nurse’s office instead of the dorms.
“Here.”
Jensen rips the page of homework from his binder and slaps it down in front of
Padalecki.
“Have fun failing Morgan’s test.”
Jensen shoves his books back into his bag and gets to his feet. The whole thing
was a terrible idea; he should’ve known Padalecki was hoping for a handout
instead of actually learning the material.
“Wait,” Jared yelps and grabs Jensen’s forearm. Jensen immediately pulls away,
scowling and stepping back. People are staring at them.
“Sorry,” Padalecki lowers his voice to a whisper. “Thanks for, uh, this,” he
gestures to Jensen’s homework.
“Whatever.”
Jensen storms off, ignoring the disgruntled stares of the students hunched over
textbooks and wondering why the hell he ever got involved with the King of the
Jocks when he can’t stand even the lowliest of their ranks.
 
 *****
 
Dinwiddie looks up at him from over her reading glasses.
“Jensen, this last paper is by far your best work this semester. Did you find
working in pairs helpful?”
Jensen’s never been a fan of having his work picked apart right in front of
him, but so far the conference with Dinwiddie has been painless.
“I guess so, yeah.”
“Did Chad offer a fresh perspective on your essay?”
“Chad was… okay.”
“And did you have help from anyone else? It’s alright if you did—it’s good to
get as much input as possible.”
Jensen wonders if his writing was bad enough that she can recognize someone
else’s influence on his essay. It might kill him to admit he took Jared’s
opinion seriously but it’s not like Padalecki’s going to hear about it.
“Uh, Jared helped me.”
Dinwiddie nods thoughtfully.
“I see. I’m glad you’re making use of his advice.” She makes a note on the list
in front of her. “In fact, I think you two would work quite well together on
our next partnered speaking project. Jared lacks organization at times and I
think his enthusiasm and speaking skills would help with your nerves.”
“My—what? I’ll be okay, I can find a partner, I just—” Jensen’s tongue trips
over itself and the thought of working in a pair with Jared has him a step away
from full-blown panic attack.
Dinwiddie smiles and stops Jensen’s stuttering cold. She’s never been this nice
to him. He can only assume it’s because he’s suddenly buddies with her favorite
student. He’d be stupid to throw that away.
“Give it a try. I can partner Rob and Chad together.”
Jensen has a split second of guilt for putting Rob Benedict in that position
before switching back to panic at his own.
“Unless you’d rather work with Tom? I don’t think he has a partner yet.”
“No,” Jensen says way too quickly. “I’ll work with Padalecki.”
“Great,” Dinwiddie smiles again. “See you on Monday.”
Yeah. Real fucking great.        
    
*****
 
The assignment turns out to be purely an exercise in public speaking. Jensen
wonders if school works like the military in that breaking a bone means being
exempt from service. He’d gladly spend months in a cast if it meant not having
to go in front of the class. It probably wouldn’t be too hard to find someone
willing to do the breaking for him either since half the class would jump at
the chance to do him bodily harm. Hell, Jared might even be first in line.
Dinwiddie writes the guidelines for the project on the board.
“I’m going to come by and assign each pair a disease. You won’t have to do that
much research, but make sure you each have at least ten minutes worth of
material.”
Ten minutes, ten years; it’s all the same to Jensen.
To top it off, Dinwiddie’s true to her word and pairs him with Padalecki.
When their names are called together, Jared waltzes over and sits on top of the
desk next to him.
“Well, whaddya know, looks like we’re partners, Ackles.”
Jensen slumps lower in his seat and firmly avoids making eye contact with his
partner.
“Lucky you,” Jared grins.
“Padalecki, the chair is the part you put your ass on in case you forgot,”
Dinwiddie says when she comes over to their group.
“Yes ma’am,” Jared slides down into his seat and his elbow knocks against
Jensen’s. Jensen tucks his arm in closer to his body, fixing his gaze on
Dinwiddie instead of Jared, whose obnoxious grin Jensen can see out of the
corner of his eye anyways.
“I’d like the two of you to do yellow fever, alright?”
“Sounds delightful,” Jared drums a pencil against his desk. “Do we have to
divide the speaking bits a certain way?”
“Just so that each of you has ten minutes. One of you can speak for ten and
then switch, or switch every five; whatever. It’s up to you.”
Dinwiddie walks to the next group.
Jared turns to him with a smirk. “So, when should we do this?”
“Tomorrow night, I guess.”
“You can come by my room, I’ve got—”
“No,” Jensen cuts him off. “I’ll be in the library studying for Euro. We can
meet there and I can tutor you after.”
“Okay,” Jared agrees, slightly perplexed. “You still want to? I mean after—”
Of course he doesn’t wantto. But he said he would.
“Come prepared this time, Padalecki, or so help me I will off myself before
this speaking BS is due.”
“Think I’d get an automatic A if you did? I heard if your roommate dies you get
straight A’s. Maybe the same goes for projects.”
Jensen glowers.
 
*****
Jensen jumps what feels like six feet in the air, slamming his elbow down on
the library desk on the way back to Earth.
“Jesus Christ, some warning would’ve been nice,” he mutters, rubbing his soon-
to-be bruised arm.
Jared had come up behind him and pulled Jensen’s ear buds out without so much
as a tap on the shoulder.
Jared grunts and drops his book bag on the floor. “What’re we doing first?”
“First, you’re gonna move your shit ‘cause it’s in my way.” Jensen says. “Then
we’re going to talk about how we want to divide the speaking for this stupid
thing.”
Jared nudges his bag an inch to the left with his shoe.
“There. You talk for ten and don’t fuck up, I talk for ten. How’s that sound?”
Jensen bristles. Even for Jared, this has to be a new record for zero to sixty
of being a dickhead.
“Look, we’re doing this togetherand I don’t like it any more than you do, but
you need to chill the hell out.”
Jared looks like he’s struggling with something for a moment and then crumbles.
Jensen hadn’t been expecting to actually get through to him and it’s odd
watching the defiance leak out of him.
“Sorry,” Jared heaves a sigh. “I just found out I’m benched for meets.”
“For what?”
“Swim meets. I’m ineligible.”
“Oh,” Jensen blinks. “That sucks.”
All Jensen can think is how ridiculous Jared would look with a shaved head. The
guy should really consider it a blessing in disguise. Besides that, he doesn’t
really know what to say. There’s no way Jared couldn’t have seen that one
coming.
“It’s fine. It’s my fault. But—”Jared’s brow wrinkles and Jensen can tell it’s
totally notfine. “It’s such bullshit,who gives a shit if I can’t find a goddamn
limit I’m never gonna have to—”
“If you went to public school they wouldn’t give a shit,” Jensen can’t help but
point out. “This is the last school you want to be going to if you expect them
not to give a shit.”
 Jared’s gaze snaps up to fix on Jensen.
“I don’t need your input, Ackles.”
“You do if you want to swim this season.”
Jared just looks at him.
“I said I’d tutor you, didn’t I?”
“What’s the point?” Jared shrugs. “I obviously don’t get it.”
“Padalecki, if you wanna flunk out that’s fine by me. I wouldn’t be surprised
because honestly, I don’t think there’s much of a point, either.”
It’s true even if it’s too harsh. Jensen didn’t mean it; it just came out, the
same way it always does when he tries to talk to Padalecki. He’s not exactly
sensitive at the best of times with his friends and Jared doesn’t fall anywhere
near that category.
Jared shakes his head. “Y’know, I can think of a lot of things I’d rather have
you doing with that mouth instead of bitching at me.”
Suddenly Jensen’s not feeling quite so guilty.
“Yeah?” Jensen sneers.
“Oh yeah. Heard you’re pretty talented with it.”
“Please.” Jensen rolls his eyes to the ceiling but his heart’s pounding and his
mouth goes dry and this isn’t a side of Jared Padalecki he thought he’d see.
The asshole side, definitely, but Jared being interested in him andbeing an
asshole at the same time is new.
Jensen shakes himself mentally and adds jerking off to the top of his to-do
list. If he’s seriously considering Padaleckias a viable option for a hookup,
it’s been way too long.
“What, my GPA not high enough to meet your standards?” Jared asks.
“More like your IQ and inches,” Jensen snaps back.
Jared actually laughs out loud. Several nearby students glare up at him from
textbooks and Jensen wonders if it’s possible to get banned from the library
because he’s starting to get used to causing a scene here.
“Are you such a stuck up little prick allthe time? Or am I just special?”
“Guess it takes one to know one.”
“You need mefor this project, not the other way around,” Jared growls.
“And you need me to pass junior year.” Jensen lets his eyes travel from
Padalecki’s face to his jeans and back up again, slow and provocative.
Jared colors instantly and God, is it satisfying.
Jensen’s next words are out before he can stop them. “It’s a shame you won’t
even pass Morgan’s next test. ‘Cause I don’t blow losers.”
Jared swallows and sits up straighter in his chair. His gaze is at level with
Jensen’s crotch before he drags his eyes back to Jensen’s face.
“And what if I do? Pass, I mean,” Jared licks his lips and leans closer to
Jensen.
Jensen takes a shallow breath in through his nose. Stop. Stop. Stop, you’re
being stupid, you’re digging yourself a hole, just stop—
“Then we’ll talk. If you don’t… well, I’m doing you a favor, so I figure you
owe me one. You’ll have to make it up to me that you wasted my time.”
Jensen’s pretty confident that Padalecki’ll back off. He’s got him cornered,
gay chicken not being a game most jocks are willing to play.
Then again, whatever his faults, Padalecki’s not most jocks. Jensen has to hand
it to him when all Jared does is grit his teeth and extend his right hand.
“Deal?”
Jensen hesitates for a fraction of a second to listen to the voice of reason
screaming in his head. But his pride gets the better of him. There’s no way
Jared’s going to pass anyways. He can’t even finish the homework without
Jensen, and so far he’s copied most of it anyways.
Jensen shakes on it. “I look forward to finding out if your mouth’s good for
anything besides bullshitting.”
Jared grins in response, wicked gleam back in spades. “Likewise.”
After that Jared’s practically a model student. It doesn’t matter; there’s no
way he’s gonna be able to make up for weeks’ worth of material.
Still, the hours Jensen spends with Jared in the library are a lot more
tolerable with the prospect of Jared getting on his knees for him in the near
future.
***** Four *****
                            I recognize the smile 
                    There are some things I cannot forget 
                            It may be for a while 
                     I'll pretend that we have never met 
                              We have never met 
                              We have never met 

                           And maybe we will part 
                      Will your paranoia keep you warm 
                         I'll eat it from your heart 
                     I will still enjoy to watch you fall
 
 
Three days later they hit another roadblock.
Jared comes to the library sporting a black eye he claims Tom gave him on
purpose during lacrosse practice and refuses to sit still and listen to what
Jensen’s trying to teach him about integration.
“I swear to God I’m gonna kick his ass, I don’t even give a shit if they kick
me out—”
Jensen interrupts.
“Have you ever come across the term ‘brute force attack’ in a Comp Sci class?
It’s a bit antiquated, but still appropriate.”
“Might’ve,” Jared mumbles. He has the grace to at least look sheepish as Jensen
lays into him.
“It’s when someone’s trying to break into your shit and they just keep at
it.There’s no method, just trial and error. It’s the hacking equivalent of
throwing yourself at a door until it gives out.”
“And?”
“Andit takes time. It’s a sloppy, impatient way to get what you want. Most of
the time it doesn’t work ‘cause of the sheer number of possible combinations.
Not to mention, most sites and operating systems have security in place that
allows limited tries. You try ten different combinations and it’s obvious
you’re not the real account owner. They alert the actual user so the mark knows
someone’s trying to fuck with them.”
“Is this some kind of metaphor for telling me I suck at this?” Jared asks,
clearly bored.
“Basically,” Jensen says with a scowl. “I take pleasure in a job well done,
Padalecki, and if you’d ever worked at something a day in your life maybe you’d
understand.”
Jared leans in closer, cornering Jensen into the cubicle. He smells like Old
Spice, his warm breath barely tickling Jensen’s throat. Jensen swallows and
stares straight ahead.
“What, so you think I can’t do anything? You think I’m useless?”
Jared’s crowding him with that oversized body. It’s not fair since his presence
alone knocks the breath out of Jensen. He’s so big.No matter how smart or
capable Jensen is, he’s forced to the defensive when Padalecki chooses to throw
his weight around.
“I think you have your talents. An eye for detail isn’t one of them. You try
any half-cocked ideas and I’m not gonna help you with anythingbecause you’ll
get caught in a day.” Jensen’s proud that he manages to keep his tone level.
Jared isn’t smiling anymore. The change makes Jensen’s stomach twist into
knots.
“Maybe you’re right about that one,” Jared concedes, eyes sweeping over Jensen.
He bites his lip and leans back in his chair. He waves his hand for Jensen to
continue.
Jensen lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and straightens his tie.
“But there are other ways. Better. In hacking, you work out a simple algorithm
and bam,you’ve narrowed the field. Things get a hell of a lot easier.”
“What about Al Gore?”
Jensen sighs. “Are you getting a single word I’m saying?”
“Believe it or not, I think so.”
“Anyways—algorithms generate possibilities for you. All it takes is a simple
formula. It’s so clean.You’ve just got to have a little patience. You can even
design a way to find a backdoor of sorts…”
Jared snorts at his use of “backdoor.”
“…and you don’t even need to fuck around with usernames or passwords.”
“How would we do that?”
 “The simplest way is to design a Trojan.”
Jared laughs, disbelieving. “Wow, Trojans andbackdoors.”
Jensen fiddles with the top button of his cuff. I will not verbally abuse I
will not verbally abuse…
“So you can do all that shit?”
“Yeah, with enough time. I’m not the best but I know people who owe me one if I
can’t do it.”
“Damn. And here I was thinking you had all your toes on the right side of the
line.” Jared says it like a compliment.
“Satisfied?”
Jared looks at him.
“For now.”
 
*****
 
Jensen’s actually struck dumb. That, or he’s still asleep and having a bizarre
nightmare.
“I know curving is unusual for this class,” Dr. Morgan continues, “But I
realized we probably didn’t go into as much detail on chapter six as we should
have. A lot of you would’ve done better if we hadn’t gone through the material
so fast. So, have two extra percentage points on me.”
Jared’s staring at him. He can feel it.
Morgan starts the next lesson and Jared watches him the whole time. If he
wasn’t so tightly wound worrying about having to pay up on their bet, Jensen
would be pissed that Padalecki’s stillnot paying attention in class.
Surely he doesn’t think Jensen’s actuallygoing to blow him? They’re not even
friends—not that that would make it any less weird. If he’d failed (which he
did, without that goddamn curve), Jensen’s not sure he would’ve held Jared to
it either. Sure, head is head and it’s all great but—
The bell rings and the class clamors to collect their books and bags, jostling
Jensen on their dash for the door and escape from Calculus.
One figure lags behind.
Jensen pushes his glasses up his nose and piles his books one on top of the
other slowly before loading them into his bag, pretending not to notice
Padalecki. His knees shake a little and not in a million years did he think
it’d come to this and he’s not reallygoing to have to blow Jared because that
would just be weird and awkward as all hell.
Morgan nods to Jensen, snaps the clasps on his briefcase, and exits, leaving
Jensen alone.
Well, alone with Jared.
“You didn’t pass,” Jensen whirls around and protests as soon as the door shuts.
Jared’s in his space again, holding up his test for Jensen to see.
“That’s a 71 there, Ackles. That’s passing,” Jared taps the number written on
the top of the page. He gives Jensen a lazy smile.
Jared’s collar is coming untucked from under his uniform jacket and Jensen
reaches out to fix it before he’s even thought about what he’s doing.
“Yeah, with the curve,” he retorts, focusing his attention on smoothing the
fabric of Jared’s shirt and tugging his tie so it sits properly.
Jared clears his throat and Jensen’s hands drop back to his sides, his ears
turning red.
“If you wanna get technical. Or if you’re looking for an excuse to bitch out on
me,” Jared leers.  “Fair’s fair. I passed. You gonna hold up your end?”
Jensen bristles. “If I’d known he was gonna do that—”
Jared raises an eyebrow and Jensen splutters to a stop. He doesn’t mean right
now? He can’t, they’re still in public and there’s no guarantee someone
wouldn’t walk in on them and that’s ifJensen decides to pay up.
Jared reaches out and adjusts Jensen’s own tie and Jensen’s legs go liquid.
No way no way no way no—
“I’ll collect some other time,” Jared says, smiling and swinging his bag over
his shoulder. “I mean, if you don’t chicken out. See ya later, Ackles.”
 
*****
 
Jensen spends the next week avoiding Jared. Every time they see each other in
the halls, Jared’s eyes seem to zero in on him and he just fucking smirks.
The whole avoidance thing also isn’t ideal because they’re supposed to be
working on Dinwiddie’s project together.
Jensen practices as much as he can between his other homework, but speaking in
front of a mirror is hardly the same as reciting it for the class.
Sophia comes over to help him and ends up teasing him for the way he keeps
crossing his legs.
“You’re gonna fall over if you do that in class,” she sniggers.
So Jensen tries again. This time he can’t keep his hands out of his pockets or
his shoulders down.
“Jensen,” Sophia barks. “Relax.”
“I’m trying!” Jensen snaps. “It’s a little hard with you pointing out something
I’m doing wrong every three seconds.”
"I’m helping you. Dinwiddie would take points off for everything you’re doing,
believe me.”
Jensen sighs and grabs a mint from the bowl on his desk and collapses on to his
bed.
“What about Padalecki, where’s he for all this? Isn’t he supposed to be your
partner?”
“Yeah,” Jensen feels a flush creeping up his neck. “He, uh… has something with
student council.”
It’s a stupid lie since all Sophia has to do is ask Jared next time she sees
him. He should’ve said something about lacrosse.
“Oh fuck, there’s not a meeting today is there?” Sophia starts flipping
frantically through her day planner. “No, okay. Whew. I do nothave time for
that shit today.”
She sits next to Jensen on his bed.
“Still, sucks he’s not here ‘cause he’s actually pretty good at giving
speeches.”
“Yeah, sucks,” Jensen winces.
The last thing he wants is to hear Jared’s name and ‘sucks’ in the same
sentence.
 
*****
 
Public speaking was conceived by Satan himself.
Jensen can do it, he knows he can, but it doesn’t stop him from sweating a
river on which he could probably row a boat back to his dorm.
Even practicing in his room had nearly given him a hernia. He’s so not ready
for this and he hasn’t spoken to Padalecki since Calc. He emailed Jared his
slides a couple of days ago without a single sentence included in the message
and can only hope Jared’s brought the rest on his flash drive.
All the other seats in the room are taken when he walks into class, forcing him
to sit next to Padalecki.
Jared’s slouching in his seat and examining his blunt fingernails and Jensen
barely contains the urge to punch him in his stupid, pretty face.
Jensen can’t pay attention to any of the presentations before theirs, too busy
trying to ignore Padalecki and keep himself from sprinting out the door.
Eventually, he cracks.
“Did you practice?” he whispers to Jared stiffly.
“Nah,” Jared shrugs and taps his temple with his index finger. “I got it.”
“You didn’t—” Jensen hisses, but Dinwiddie cuts him off.
“Yellow fever group, you’re up.”
Jared presses the flash drive into Jensen’s hand and he jumps at the contact
before realizing everyone’s eyes are on him.
He gets to his feet with shaky knees and begins what feels like a ten mile walk
to the front of the room. Twenty pairs of eyes are fixed on him and all of his
classmates’ faces are already blurring together.
“I’m uh… Jensen Ackles, and uh, my partner is, uh, Jared Padalecki and we’ve
got…uh, yellow fever.”
Someone sniggers in the back row.
“I mean, we’re uh, talking about yellow fever,” Jensen corrects hastily.
He can see Dinwiddie’s brow furrow even from the front of the room.
“So uh—it’s a viral infection, passed on by mosquito bites and it has, um,
three stages, starting with infection…”
Jensen glances down at the notecards in his hands, but he can’t read his own
handwriting. He’s so tense that it all looks like meaningless blobs.
“Uh, and that’s mostly common flu symptoms like headache and…”
He happens to look up, right at where Jared’s sitting in the corner. Jared
mimes giving head from across the room, tongue poking his cheek out obscenely.
Jensen coughs and pushes his glasses up his nose. His palms totally aren’t
sweating and his ears are definitely not going red.
“…and then it goes to the second stage, which is like, um, remission where the
fever stuff kinda fades out.”
Jared’s mouth is wide and generous, his lips a distracting shade of light pink.
Jensen sort of wants to scream at the room why does nobody see this but me?But
that would be bad for his grade so he grits his teeth and stares over Jared’s
head. Having something to ignore actually helps him focus and his words flow
much easier.
“And then you either recover or get worse—the third stage, intoxication, is
when organ failure can occur. There can be heart, liver, and kidney failure.
Sometimes there are seizures, and uh, even comas and stuff.”
Jensen doesn’t feel like puking quite as much but that’s until he notices that
half the class is checking their phones under their desks. Chad looks like he
might be asleep.
In the back of the room, Tom Welling is passing a note to Sandy McCoy.
“It’s, uh…”
Sandy giggles behind her hand and starts writing back. Apparently satisfied,
Tom turns his attention back to Jensen.
“Uh…”
Jensen looks at Tom and sees red. He’s completely derailed, embarrassed that
his speech is so boring people have to resort to passing notes like they’re in
middle school.
Dinwiddie frowns, waiting for Jensen to spit it out. But he can’t.
Tom sniggers behind his hand and Jensen goes even redder, torn between the
desire to tear Tom’s head off or maybe have Tom tear hishead off so he doesn’t
have to deal with the humiliation of watching his grade tank before his eyes.
Suddenly, Tom pitches forward, crying out and holding the back of his head.
The class actually wakes up to stare at him instead and Jensen’s so grateful he
might send Tom a cookie bouquet for the well-timed spasm.
Dinwiddie shoots him a reproving glance and Jensen puts two and two together a
second later when he notices a pink full-sized eraser lying next to Tom’s shoes
and the satisfied look on Jared’s face.
Jared gets to his feet. “Thanks, Jensen.”
He makes his way to the front of the class.
“As my partner was saying, yellow fever is particularly common in South America
and Africa…”
Jared’s picking up his slack; doing the work for which Jensen was responsible.
And he’s goodat it.
He looks around the room, holding his classmates’ gazes so that they won’t look
at their phones or pass notes or whatever else. He’s tall and commanding, yet
likable and laid back. He makes jokes easily during the presentation without
coming off as unprofessional.
Jensen, meanwhile, stares at him, dumbfounded.
How the hell can he be so damn good at this when he didn’t even practice?
Jared rattles off facts and figures about infection, including the
complications and how to diagnose it.
Jensen has to jump in again at some point to reach his ten minute minimum, so
he picks the slide about vaccinations to say, “Thanks, Jared,” and conclude
their presentation by recapping his own slides and then everything Jared just
said, only much less articulately.
The class applauds half-heartedly and Jensen’s stomach loosens, his knees
shaking twice as hard as before.
It’s over.
“Jensen and Jared, stick around after class and I’ll have your grade. The rest
of you, be prepared for next class’ presentations,” Dinwiddie says over the
racket of people trying to get out of the room as fast as possible.
Jensen doesn’t look at Jared, still fuming over how badly he’s been shown up
without Jared having to try at all.
Dinwiddie waits until the room is empty before turning her attention to the two
of them. “Well done, guys.”
She smiles, and Jensen could swear there’s something like kindness in her eyes.
He didn’t think it was possible for her to empathize with other human beings.
"I wanted to hear more from you, Jensen. Next time you’re going to have to
prepare better. However, your information was good and your slides were well-
designed.”
She hands Jensen a paper back with his grade written in red pen at the bottom.
“You worked well with Jared. I’d like to see that level of communication
between you in the future.”
93.
He got an actual A in public speaking. Granted, the lowest A possible, but an
actual fucking A.He cuts his glance to Jared, who seems happy enough with the
grade. He probably would’ve done better without Jensen dragging him down but he
can’t complain too much.
“I’ll see you guys on Monday. Have a good weekend,” Dinwiddie says, swinging
her purse over her shoulder and exiting the room.
Jared follows her without saying a word to Jensen, but Jensen’s suddenly
walking fast to catch him.
He doesn’t know why he’s not just letting things go as they are. Talking to
Padalecki’s only going to make things more awkward, but he probably wouldn’t
have gotten anywhere near as good a grade if he’d had to work with Rob Benedict
or Chad.
Jared’s already halfway down the hall by the time Jensen calls out to him.
“Hey, Padalecki, wait up.”
Jared stops and turns around.
“Yeah?” His tone is neutral, not giving Jensen anything to go on.
“Uh, I just wanted to say thanks.”
Jared shrugs. “It was my grade, too.”
“I know, but. Thanks.”
"Sure,” Jared says. Then he smiles. “You shoulda seen your face, I thought you
were gonna hurl.”
“Yeah, me too,” Jensen admits. In fact, his palms still feel a little clammy.
He wipes them on his khakis.
They stand in silence for a moment, not looking at each other.
“If you ever try to fuck with me when I’m giving a presentation like that
again, I’ll kick your ass.”
Jared blinks, surprised, and then realizes Jensen’s joking.
“I’d like to see you try, Ackles. You gonna bite my kneecaps?”
“Shut up, I’m not even short. You’re just a sasquatch.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Jared waves him off. “You know, Dinwiddie’s right. We made a
pretty good team.”
“I guess,” Jensen says warily.
“Seriously. You know your stuff, even if you can’t spit out what you’re trying
to say.”
“Thanks,” Jensen changes the subject. “So, you wanna go over Calc tonight in
the library?”
He’s not sure why Padalecki’s trying to play nice all of a sudden, unless…
“I was thinking we could meet somewhere else,” Jared says. His tone is light
but he’s dead serious and Jensen has a hunch he’s not talking about a study
session.
“What? Where?” Jensen croaks, hoping his pathetic attempt at naïveté will get
him out of the corner he’s rapidly backing himself into.
“Don’t think I forgot about what you owe me,” Jared says softly.
He’s not laughing anymore.
 
*****
 
Later that night, Jensen’s phone vibrates on his bedside table like he knew it
would.
Locker room in fifteen.
So this is it.
He’s been pacing ever since they parted ways in the hall, remembering how
serious Jared had been when he said you owe me.
For a moment, he considers ignoring the text; pretending he never got it when
Jared inevitably corners him after class one day. But he’s never been one to
back down from a challenge, especially when his ego’s at stake. Besides, giving
head can be sorta fun sometimes— makes him feel in control, watching those guys
squirm and say his name. It’s the same thrill he gets from being good at
everything else.
And hey, at least the press about him has been good. Something about his mouth
being made for it according to the guys he’s blown. He’s almost flattered that
Jared’s heard his rep, but then Jensen’s gotten around to a few of Jared’s
teammates at parties. Matt Cohen, for one. Deep down he might have a thing for
sports uniforms.
Jensen fusses over his hair, brushes his teeth about six times. He’s glad that
he never bothered changing after class ‘cause he’s not sure of the proper dress
code for a BJ date.
Still, this isn’t anything he’s prepared for and he’s banking on Jared backing
out before he does.
The night is cool and the wet grass leaves his Chucks damp as he starts the
walk to the gym. He wonders what Sophia would say if she knew—this is more her
game than his, and just thinking that makes him feel like a terrible friend.
But she’d know what to do in this situation a hell of a lot better than he
does.
This whole thing with Padalecki’s only getting worse. He doesn’t know how it’s
going to end except badly, because there’s no way something as fucked up as
their (Relationship? Partnership? Friendship?) situationcan be healthy in any
way.
He knocks on the locker room door and waits. Jared greets him with a weak
imitation of his usual grin. He steps back to let Jensen inside.
He’s wearing his uniform too, with his shaggy hair disheveled like he’s been
running his hands through it.
It’s dark and smells like B.O. It’s possibly the least romantic place in the
entire world, which is actually better because they don’t kiss, don’t pretend
it’s anything other than what it is much to Jensen’s relief.
Neither of them makes a move. It’s awkward as any high school hook-up with the
added knowledge that they’re in a locker room after hours and they don’t even
like each other.
Jared clears his throat.
“Look, uh…”
Jensen cocks his head to the side, an eyebrow raised. “Is this the part where
you’re gonna tell me I don’t have to do this?”
Jared fumbles over his words.
“C’mon, Padalecki, I expected more balls from you.”
He’s glad Jared’s unsure because it gives him a source of bravado from which he
can draw, so he can act like his own stomach’s not twisted into figure eights.
And because Jensen kinda… wantsto do this. Partly because he made a bet and a
little because he’s curious to find out what Padalecki tastes like and he’s
spent the entire week psyching himself up for this moment. He never would’ve
agreed to the bet if he hadn’t thought Jared was hot no matter what else he
thinks about him. Besides, they’ll probably never speak again afterwards. Might
as well give the kid something to remember him by.
“Well, you don’t,” Jared exhales and gives a shaky laugh. “But I’d appreciate
it.”
Jensen closes the gap between them, chests an inch apart. He drags his gaze
from Jared’s eyes down his body, keeps his expression neutral. He drops to his
knees, face level with Jared’s groin. Jared sucks in a breath and murmurs,
“Fuck,” as he braces himself against a row of lockers.
Jensen can almost feel Jared’s nerves pulled tight and humming underneath him.
He could do the deed in about four minutes with little fanfare, but he’s not
stupid. He knows there’s more at stake here than getting head. If Padalecki
wanted a blowjob that badly all he’d have to do is send a text to one of his
entourage.
No, Jensen’s going to make this count, make Jared remember who he’s messing
with. He doesn’t “hook up,” except on his own terms, let alone with dudes who
look like they’ve walked out of Abercrombie catalogues. He doesn’t get on his
knees for jocks he can’t stand unless it benefits him.
He rubs his hand over Jared’s zipper and cups the shape of him. Jared shudders
and presses flat against the lockers.
“Ackles—”
“You thought I’d pussy out, didn’t you?” Jensen presses his face in closer and
mouths at Jared through his khakis.
“Y-yeah.”
The quiver in Jared’s voice has his own cock stirring. Padalecki’s nervous
because of him,and thatthought goes straight to his ego. Jared’s confession
only makes it better. There’s not a lot Jensen likes more than proving people
wrong.
He takes his time getting the front of Jared’s pants wet with saliva, smirks at
how hard Jared already feels against his lips.
Jensen glances up at Jared and fumbles with his belt buckle. Jared’s sucked his
lip into his mouth and looks like he might cry or start praying. When Jensen
gets his pants down he finds Jared’s boxers soaking wet already, the tented red
plaid so absurd Jensen almost laughs.
If life was fair Jared would be all of three inches. His shitty attitude would
be overcompensation like jocks in the movies. But as Jensen slips Jared’s
boxers down his hips, he finds out that Jared has absolutely nothing to prove.
Figures he’d be proportional.
He kisses down Jared’s lower stomach into wiry hair. He’s got a mole right next
to his sac and for some reason it’s really cute. He glances up at Jared, who’s
watching him with his bottom lip still between his teeth.
Jensen doesn’t break eye contact as he gets a grip on the base of Jared’s cock,
thick and straining in his fist. Jared hisses, cringes when Jensen swallows him
down.
Jared’s doing that mouth hanging open thing again but this time it’s kinda
nice.
Sucking Jared off is almost… fun, if Jensen’s being honest. He makes these
great noises like he can’t believe what’s happening, little whimpers and bitten
off moans that Jensen takes as compliments.
He keeps scrabbling to get a hold in Jensen’s hair but it’s just too short so
he claws at the lockers behind him instead. It gets even better once Jensen
works his way past the head of Jared’s cock and takes him deeper into his
throat.
It’s not the most graceful blowjob he’s ever given, but Jared’s pretty big and
it’s not like he’s had loads of experience besides watching too much porn.
“Christ,” Jared pants. “ChristChristChrist.”
Jensen smiles around Jared’s dick and works his way towards the base while
Jared’s hips start thrusting. He can’t get all the way down and compensates by
fisting the length he can’t cover with his mouth.
“God. God, Ackles.”
Jensen slides off Jared’s dick, dragging his tongue over the crown, muttering
“Shut up, Padalecki,” and taking him back in again. Jared’s really wet, filling
Jensen’s mouth with precome with every flutter of his throat muscles.
“L-love it when you call me that,” Jared confesses with his eyes screwed up
tight. He’s holding himself back, trying not to choke Jensen.
Jensen laughs around his mouthful of Jared and it only makes him moan louder.
Who’dve thought he’d be a sweet talker in the sack?
 Jensen puts one hand on Jared’s mostly bare, andhello, very firm ass. Jared
stops squirming for a second then gets the hint.
“Fuck,” he moans again and his hips rock in a slow, shallow rhythm. Jensen
takes it as best he can. He’s never let anyone do this; it’s always been about
staying on top, getting it done. But he likes watching Jared lose his mind and
fall apart.
Matt and Chris were pretty hot and decent guys. Jared’s…
Jensen’s eyes flick upwards to Jared’s face. His eyes are scrunched closed, a
sliver of tan chest visible all slick with sweat; a wet dream come to life and
he tastes like salt and boy and Jensen can’t get enough of the weight of him on
his tongue.
He swats Jared’s ass and thankfully Padalecki proves to be a faster learner
than Jensen gave him credit for. He starts pistoning deeper and faster.
Jensen’s drooling on him and he’d be embarrassed if Jared wasn’t carrying on
like a fucking banshee, moaning and groaning and panting a mixture of
endearments and swear words.
“Fuck…‘s good…”
Jensen’s aching, his own cock pushing against cotton. He wishes Jared would
shut up. It’s making him feel like he’s in bad porn and gets his stomach
twisting up in all kinds of confusing new ways.
He’s very carefully notthinking about how he’s getting hard off having his face
fucked, and by Jared Padalecki of all people.
Jared’s hands, massive,long-fingered hands, cup his face and Jensen has to
remember to breathe through his nose so he doesn’t gag.
“Gonna. Gonna—” Jared gasps.
He makes a move to pull back but Jensen digs his thumbs into the groove of
Jared’s hipbones, his fingers sunk in the meat of Jared’s ass cheeks to keep
him right where he is. Jared’s breath punches out of him in a whine and he
comes in Jensen’s mouth. Jensen lets him finish, filled with the hot, bitter
taste. He tastes stronger than Matt did, less sweet.
And yeah, so it wasn’t all bad. Doesn’t mean he owes it to Jared to swallow.
Jensen spits on to the floor next to Jared’s Pumas and wipes his lips with the
back of his hand. Someone’s gonna be in for a nasty surprise when they come in
to use their locker for P.E. tomorrow.
Jensen stays slumped on his knees in front of Jared, the two of them panting in
unison. Jensen’s too dazed to move even though Jared’s hands are still on him.
“Perfect,” Jared murmurs, his fingertips sliding through Jensen’s hair.
“Jesus.”
“Jensen,” Jensen corrects, smirking. His gut’s full of warm honey and he’s
really hard. It smells like sex and sweat and the flavor of Jared lingers on
his tongue.
Jared grumbles and hitches up his boxers, tucking himself back into his pants
and smoothing his hair. It’s only when he looks down at Jensen that he notices
Jensen’s popped wood.
He doesn’t say anything as he reaches down to pull Jensen to his feet. Jensen’s
already making a move to leave when Jared spins him around and shoves
himagainst the wall.
Jensen chokes and tries to speak, but he ends up stuttering like an idiot
instead.
Jared starts messing with his belt and untucking Jensen’s Oxford, hazel eyes
over-bright as his wonderful, long fingers slip down the front of Jensen’s
khakis. He looks like he’s about to say something but grins instead.
Jensen’s mind is whiting out—can’t be happening can’t be happening—because he
wants it so fucking bad that he doesn’t think he can handle it.
But then his brain snaps back into action and he straightens up, stepping back
from Jared.
Fuck Padalecki. He can take his blowjob and get the hell out of Jensen’s space.
He’s paid his dues and then some.
“Don’t touch me,” Jensen snarls. “I don’t need a pity jerk.”
Jared recoils like Jensen hit him. For a second his face is blank, eyes wide.
Then he shrugs.
“Okay. If that’s what you want.”
He pulls his belt through the loops on his pants and Jensen wishes he’d hurry
up.
Instead he takes his sweet ol’ time picking his shit up off the floor and
making a big show of fixing his uniform.
He stops in the doorway and says over his shoulder, “Thanks for the head,
Ackles.” He glances down at the mess on the floor and adds, “But you could’ve
swallowed,” and lets the door slam shut behind him.
 
*****
 
Jensen plays the scene over and over in bed that night.
It’d been stupid to think blowing Jared wouldn’t be all kinds of fucked up, bet
or no bet.
Perfect,he’d said. And yeah, Jensen understands the mechanics of “dirty talk”;
that people say stuff in the heat of the moment that they don’t mean.
Especially when they’ve finished coming their brains out. Sex is sex. It’s what
he told himself before he decided he’d follow through on his bet with Jared.
It’s just, when Jared said it, Jensen had sort of believed it.
 
***** Five *****
                               I want love to, 
                         forget that you offended me 
                         or how you have defended me, 
                         when everybody tore me down. 

                             Yeah I want love to 
                        change my friends to enemies, 
                         change my friends to enemies 
                      and show me how it's all my fault.
                                        
Jensen has plenty of time the next day to plan what to do next. So naturally he
doesn’t start walking over to Marshall Hall and Jared’s dorm ‘til near curfew.
He has nothing to gain and everything to lose by apologizing to Jared. Still,
he sort of wants to see how Jared reacts. He might just slam the door in his
face, or…
He hasn’t really thought about the alternatives, but they haven’t even started
working on the Tom situation and Jensen’s serious about that, at least.
                The third floor’s empty of students, but bass so loud it
vibrates through the floor comes from a room somewhere on his left and he can
hear the shouts of guys getting too competitive over Call of Dutycoming from
the right.
                A muffled “HANG ON,” comes from Room 319 after Jensen knocks.
                Jared blinks like he’s unsure of what he’s seeing and leans
against the door.
                “I’m sorry for, uh, freaking out on you,” Jensen mumbles.
                “’Salright. Just thought you might wanna…” Jared trails off
like he’s not sure what Jensen would want. “But whatever. It’s done, man.”
                “You sure?”
                “Ackles, please. I’m not devastated I didn’t get to touch your
dick, okay? I think I’ll recover.”
                Jensen flushes. He didn’t really mean it like that. He chooses
to ignore Jared’s response and asks, “So there’re no hard feelings, right?”
                “No,” Jared says. “Why, are there for you?”
                “No.”
                They stare at each other.
                “Okay, this is weird,” Jensen laughs. “Do you wanna, like, plot
some shit to ruin Tom’s life or something?”
                Jared grins, his dimples making an appearance for the first
time since Jensen showed up.
                “Now you’re talkin’.”
                Jared steps back to let him into his dorm.
It’s about as neat as one would expect from a room lived in by two LAX bros.
Clothes are strewn everywhere, both Jared’s and his roommate’s by the looks of
it. Even Jared’s bed is covered in a pile of wrinkled t-shirts.
                “Sit where you can,” Jared tells him, wading through the mess
to sit on the top of his desk.
                Jensen perches on the edge of Jared’s bed. The blankets are all
pushed back where Jared presumably got out of it that morning and the bottom
sheet’s rumpled and slipping off so the white mattress pad beneath shows.
                “So, what’re you thinking?”
                Jared sticks his head into his closet, digging around for
something in the stack of shit he’s piled inside it. Jensen can make out sports
equipment, lacrosse sticks, shoulder pads, beaten up sneakers, and old text
books separating from their spines.
                At long last he pulls out a six pack of beer and tosses one to
Jensen.
                “It’s a little warm since we don’t keep it in the fridge in
case an RA gets nosy.”
                Jensen’s not really in the mood, but he doesn’t want to look
like a wuss so he pops the can of Yuengling open and takes a sip. It’s too
bubbly and room temperature, yet not the worst thing he’s ever had.
                “I was thinking something simple to start. Tom’s presentation
is tomorrow, right?”
                Jared nods.
                “Well, I’m gonna need to get his flash drive. I could fuck with
him without it, but it’ll be so much easier if we just work straight from the
source.”
                “And you need me for this because…?” Jared asks, gulping down
his beer.
                “You see him a lot more than I do. The locker room would be a
great chance to get it without him noticing it’s gone. I can work on ‘fixing’
his presentation while you’re both out on the field.”
                “Okay, easy enough. I can pretend I forgot something and run
back. Can you meet me there right after fourth period starts?”
                Jensen nods. “You’ll have to get his locker combo.”
                “No problem.”
                “If he has any time to fix his PowerPoint, he’ll be able to
change it back and he’ll know someone’s messing with him.”
                “Sounds simple.”
                “Yeah, should be.”
                Jensen stares at the floor for a minute.
                He’s not about to say it out loud but all he can think about is
the way Jared moaned when he sucked him off. He probably won’t ever be able to
look at him the same, even if things aren’t necessarily tense or any more
awkward than usual between them.
                “You wanna stick around and finish that beer?” Jared asks.
                He doesn’t, but he agrees anyways.
                Hanging out with Padalecki voluntarily isn’t something he’d
ever thought he’d do, but it turns out to be pretty okay.
                They work their way through the six pack and talk about class
and the new Tarantino flick and definitely not about blowjobs.
                Jared clears his throat.
                “So, I’ve got a lacrosse game on Thursday night, if uh, you
wanna see it. It’s probably gonna be my last of the season with my grades being
what they are.”
                Jensen glances up from his beer.
                “I mean, if you want to. I’ve heard our games are fun to watch
and stuff,” Jared shrugs.
                To be honest, sitting on metal bleachers to watch a bunch of
jocks fling a ball around is just about the last thing he’d want to do on a
Thursday. Padalecki doesn’t seem to be expecting anything, which makes it
harder for Jensen to say no. Jared probably thinks he’d rather spend the time
studying (which is kinda true, he has work for European History) or something,
so he has no choice but to agree.
                “Yeah, I’ll uh… I’ll think about it.”
                Jared nods. “It’s cool if you don’t want to come. I mean, it’s
not a big deal. I won’t be offended.”
                “Yeah,” Jensen looks away. “Did you start the Calc homework
yet?”
                Jared grimaces. “About that…”
                “Lemme see what you’ve got so far,” Jensen holds out his hand.
                Jared pulls a sheaf of paper out from under a stack of books on
his desk. He got up to problem three which takes up half the page, a handful of
attempts scribbled out in pencil.
                “I was doing okay until the chapter seven problems,” Jared
says.
                “You’ve only got two done.”
                “Yeah, I know, but I’ve been busy and stuff.” Jared scratches
the back of his neck.
                “Look, I got it,” Jensen says, folding the paper into a square
and putting it in his pocket.
                “Really?” Jared asks, eyebrows raised.
                “Yeah, not like it’s hard or anything.”
                Jared smiles, dimples making big dents in his cheeks.
                “Seriously, Ackles, I owe you one.”
                “Don’t worry about it,” Jensen murmurs, flushed. The last thing
he wants is to end up in another situation of “owing” with Padalecki.
                Just then there’s a knock at the door.
                “Jared, lights out!”
                Jared gestures wildly at Jensen. “Under the bed! Quick!”
                Luckily, the door gets stuck on Jared’s backpack and Jensen has
an extra minute to cram himself underneath Jared’s bed with the empty beer cans
and a collection of dirty socks.
                “Where’s your roommate?” Jared’s RA asks.
                “Still at the library. He has an exam tomorrow.”
                The RA pauses. “Alright. Tell him that he’s gotta be back by
curfew next time.”
                “I will, sir.”
                “And clean up your room once in a while, eh? The floor’s a mess
and I don’t even want to think about what’s living under your bed at this
point.”
                “No sir, you don’t.” Jensen can practically hear the grin in
Jared’s voice.
                The RA laughs. “Alright, Jared. Goodnight.”
                “Night, Mr. Andrews.”
                The door clicks shut again and Jensen gives it a minute or two
before he crawls out from under the mattress.
                “I forgot other people’s RAs actually do their jobs,” he
grumbles.
                “Yeah, Andrews is pretty serious.”
                Which is why Jensen’s not really sure why Jared’s risking
getting caught, except to try and look cool and even then, having some glasses-
wearing overachiever hiding under your bed afterhours is hardly a badass move.
                Jared helps him to his feet.
                “Anyways, I, uh. I gotta get going, so.”
                “Yeah, yeah. No problem,” Jared says, scratching the back of
his neck.
                “Locker room, around noon?”
                “Yeah, I’ll be there,” Jared nods.
                *****
                The next day, Jared opens the door to the locker room right on
schedule.
                The first thing Jensen registers is shock at how Jared actually
manages to make the school’s gym uniform look good. The thin gray cotton sits
easily on him, the faintest outline of muscle visible through the fabric.
Jensen tears his eyes away.
                “You get it?”
                Jared grins. “Please. Piece of cake.”
                He hands the black flash drive off to Jensen, their fingers
brushing for a fraction of a second.
                “Oh, I almost forgot,” Jensen says, swinging his bookbag off
his shoulder. He digs through it for a minute before pulling out a piece of
paper with the Calc homework answers on it.
                “Thanks, man. Like, really,” Jared says.
                Jensen shrugs in response.
                “See you in Grammar and Comp.”
 
*****
Jensen watches Tom flip through his notes. His stomach’s gone to water and he
has to wipe sweaty palms on his khakis three times before Welling’s
presentation starts.
                Jared raises an eyebrow. Jensen shakes his head without looking
at him. He’d hate to ruin the surprise because if all goes to plan things are
gonna get a lot more interesting than tuberculosis.
                Tom steps up to the podium and clears his throat, clicking to
begin his PowerPoint.
                “My name is Tom Welling,” he introduces himself with a winning
smile, “and I’ll be speaking to you all about tuberculosis.”
Everyone in the class is paying attention. It’s easy with Tom making eye
contact, not letting his audience get distracted. He’s better at speaking than
Jensen. There’s no hint of stutter or nerves in his voice and it only makes
what Jensen’s about to do easier, except every time Welling smiles Jensen’s
more in favor of calling the whole thing off and just letting Jared punch him
in the face instead.
                His blue eyes light briefly on Jensen as he explains the
origins of the disease. Jensen swallows, trying to hold his gaze without
looking guilty.
                Welling has no idea what’s in store for him. He has no way of
knowing it was Jensen, either.
                A warm jolt of delight shoots up from Jensen’s gut and goes
straight to his head.
                Tom clicks to his next slide.
                He’s close. So fucking close. Jensen shifts in his chair and
chews the cap of his pen.
                “…the image on the left is a set of healthy lungs, and on the
right you can see what tuberculosis does over time.”
                He clicks again.
                “This link is a video which will demonstrate how the bacteria
spreads and infects the pulmonary system.”
                Tom clicks a blue hyperlink at the top of his slide and a loud
moan bursts through the speakers. It takes the class about three seconds to
realize what’s going on and even longer for Tom to get it.
                The video supposed to show the spread of bacteria is instead a
close-up shot of a dark-haired man putting his thumbs into someone’s asshole
and stretching it to give his tongue a better angle.
                He laps at the tight hole, rimming the guy under him for all
he’s worth.
                The class’ shrieks of laughter almost cover up the moaning.
                Tom’s mouth drops open and he flails over the keyboard,
slamming escape over and over with no effect.
                “I didn’t! I—”
                But no one’s listening.
                Jared’s howling next to Jensen, slapping his palm down on his
desk. Most of the guys in the room are making a big show of covering their eyes
and being grossed out, but not him. He’s too busy reveling in Tom’s
humiliation.
                Dr. Dinwiddie climbs on a desk to try and turn off the
projector.
                “Oh yeah baby, right there, mmm, yeah…”
               “CAN YOU MUTE THAT THING?” She shouts over the chaos.
                Tom’s scarlet, his hands fumbling all over the place. He’s sure
as hell stammering now, Jensen notes.
                “Yeah, fuck me with your tongue, yeah. So fucking hot.”
               Jensen’s grinning so wide his face hurts, but he finally takes
pity on Tom and gets up to help him. His point’s been made anyways.
                “Here, like this,” He pushes Tom out of the way and closes out
of the windows. A dozen pop-ups of porn cover the desktop, and Jensen has a
“hard time” figuring out how to close them.
                The truly wonderful thing about growing up in the twenty-first
century is technology. The ads are all .gifs of people fucking, mostly big
hunky guys bending over smaller dudes, the camera zooming in on their cocks
going in and out.
                One ad offers a very detailed depiction of a facial that
replays in slow-motion about ten times before Dr. Dinwiddie shepherds Jensen’s
cackling classmates into the hall.
                Jensen chose that particular site for a reason. It’s chock full
of viruses and they’re already eating away at Dr. Dinwiddie’s computer. Ad
after ad pops up on the desktop, each more obscene than the last.
                “Tom, I’m going to have to send you to the headmaster for this
even if it wasan accident. I could lose my job if I don’t.”
                Tom looks like he’d rather throw himself out of the window but
he grabs his bag and practically sprints out of the room.
                Jensen, Jared, and Dr. Dinwiddie are the only people left. It’s
a bit awkward, what with the grunting and wet noises coming from Dinwiddie’s
totally fucked (no pun intended) computer.
                Jensen mutes the volume again.
                “Is there anything I can do about these?” She points at the
screen without looking at it.
                “Um, maybe. But you’d have to take it in to someone who knows
what they’re doing. Might have to replace the hard drive and all that,” Jensen
says.
                “Jensen’s pretty good with computers, Dinwiddie,” Jared tells
her. He glances at Jensen with pure admiration in his eyes.
                She sighs and considers Jensen.
                “I won’t be able to take it in to a store for at least a week.”
                “I can take a look at it for you. Can’t make any promises.”
                Dinwiddie turns back to the screen for a second before
flinching and looking away again.
                “Are you sure? I mean, with the…” She gestures vaguely at the
ads.
                “Nothing I haven’t seen,” Jensen shrugs.
                “Well, even if you can’t fix it, I’d appreciate the effort.”
                “I’ll help you take it to your room?” Jared offers with an
innocent smile.
                “Yeah. Dr. Dinwiddie, can we have a pass?”
               
                *****
               
                “So, can you fix it?”
                “No problem,” Jensen smirks.
                Jared’s touting Dinwiddie’s Dell under his arm for Jensen as
they climb the stairs to the second floor. It’s stupid, but it makes him feel
like royalty to watch Padalecki doing his heavy lifting.
                “I gotta hand it to you, Ackles. That was pretty epic.”
                “Eh, it was no big deal. Easy enough, and the effect…” Jensen
trails off with a big, fat smile on his face. “Let’s just say I don’t think
anyone’s gonna forget what Tom’s been doing while he’s supposed to be working
on his presentations.”
                “What’s next?”
                “Well, I’m gonna get Dinwiddie’s account info first. Then we’ll
have a way to monitor Tom’s assignments. And mine.”
                “And then?”
                “Well, I put a gift for Tom on that flash drive,” Jensen
smiles. “It’ll make things fun for me and he’ll have no one to blame but
himself for opening it.”
                *****
                They spend the rest of the evening in Jensen’s dorm. On his
bed, to be precise.
                Jared’s lounging back against Jensen’s pillows, a paperback
copy of Great Expectationsfolded in half at the spine in his right hand.
Jensen’s pretty sure it’s for another of Dinwiddie’s classes that he’s not
taking.
Jensen doesn’t think to mention how Jared’s long legs are lying across his lap.
They make for a good surface to put his laptop on while he works out the
Trojan’s source code anyways.
“Toss me a mint, would you?”
                Jared reaches for one out of the dish on Jensen’s desk.
                “What’s with you and these things?”
                 Jensen shrugs. “I bite my lips when I’m thinking or nervous.
Mints help.”
                Jared sits up a little straighter and glances at the laptop’s
screen. He does a double take.
                Jensen’s scrolling through row after row of code, rolling the
mint around on his tongue as he checks his work.
                 “How did you learn all this?” Jared asks, amazed.
                Jensen shrugs. “Had a lot of free time when I was a kid. I’m
nowhere near as good as Misha anyways, but I’m proficient with a few different
kinds of code.”
                “They never taught me what code wasin school, let alone how to
use it.”
                “Yeah, it’s lacking from a lot of curriculums,” Jensen nods.
“And it takes a lot of practice. Most schools that teach Comp Sci will start
with something like Python.”
                “What’s that?”
                “It’s a language. It’s pretty simplistic compared to others
like AJAX, which is what Google Maps runs on. Misha knows it, but I can’t quite
get a handle on it. If I had more time, maybe.”
“So what can you do with this thing?” Jared gestures at the screen.
“Anything I code it to do. I can see what he does any time he’s on his computer
and I can interfere if I want. I can get his passwords to anything—Facebook,
Email, whatever. I could wipe his hard drive, I could crash it…”
Jared blinks and licks his lips. “That’s fucking sweet. And a little scary.”
“Computers are like that,” Jensen says, smug.
“Remind me never to piss off a nerd again.”
“I’m not a nerd,”Jensen huffs.
Jared raises an eyebrow.
“I mean, not in the traditional sense of the word.”
“Sure, Ackles.”
“Shaddap or you can suck yourself off next time.”
“I didn’t know there was gonna be a next time,” Jared says with a grin.
Jensen turns red but keeps his mouth shut.
                *****
Jensen opens a new roll of Lifesavers and sits down at his desk.
He’s done this a million times before but never with someone he knows as well
as Tom.
It’s a rush and it’s kind of creepy. He has a completely anonymous window into
the life of someone he hates. The power he’s holding in his hands over Tom is
enough to have him chewing on his lower lip, his fingers trembling a little
with excitement.
He sucks on the candy in his mouth to help himself focus and waits for Tom to
make a move.
The possibilities have Jensen’s head spinning. Tom could reveal his deepest,
darkest secrets with a few keystrokes. He might surf some weird fetish site or
spill the beans on someone else without even meaning to—
Or he could just go on Facebook.  
Jensen sighs. Figures. Internet stalking an Eagle Scout isn’t exactly the stuff
of thrilling espionage but wait—
Tom’s checking his messages. Jensen can’t see more than the first few words on
the other threads he has open (one from Lafferty calling him a jackass,
something mushy from Genevieve), but he cansee the message from Sandy McCoy
asking him to come over.
And Tom fucking Welling is sending her a “brt” reply with a “wink” face.
“Gotcha,” Jensen punches the air and crunches down on his mint.
Apparently Tom isn’t the type to shut his computer down as it’s still running
ten minutes later without the mouse moving at all.
Jensen passes the time by uninstalling Tom’s printer software and moving his
school papers from the “Documents” folder to random locations in the depths of
his hard drive and switching the titles, then password protecting them for good
measure.
And speaking of the depths of his hard drive…
There’s a photo file labeled only with numbers in a folder titled “Nov.”
Jensen’s not trying to do more than annoy Tom, really, but his curiosity gets
the better of him.
He clicks.
“Shit,” Jensen breathes, almost choking on the Lifesaver.
It’s a Skype screencap of a video chat with a topless Sandy. She’s hiding her
face with her hand, but it’s still pretty obvious that it’s her. She’s got a
dancer’s lean body and bigger tits than Jensen gave her credit for.
He can’t seem to look away from the picture. Not because he finds it hot or
anything. It’s strange, looking at his classmate like this and trying to
reconcile it with the good girl who sings solos in the school choir.
It’s even stranger when he remembers that Sandy’s probably the first girl Jared
ever slept with. She knew him the same way she apparently knows Tom. Jensen
can’t stop himself from thinking how weird it is that he’s sucked off the same
guy as someone like Sandy McCoy.
Jensen’s stomach tightens and he closes out of the image, rearranging Tom’s
desktop back to how he left it.
*****
Jensen meets Jared in the library later that night. As usual, they get next to
nothing done, but Jensen tells him about Tom’s messages.
“He sent her a winkyface?” Jared asks, grinning. “Tom, you sly bastard.”
“It’s the prelude to many a romance.”
“Yeah, it was in like, eighth grade,” Jared laughs.
He’s taking the whole thing oddly well. Jensen thought he’d get weird about Tom
and Sandy hooking up since he acts like a child as soon as someone so much as
brings her up in conversation. Instead, he seems heartened.
Jensen decides not to tell him about the picture.
“So, what, he’s cheating on Cortese?”
“Looks that way,” Jensen nods.
“Do we tell her?”
“No,” Jensen says quickly. “We don’t have to. I mean, you’re on the lacrosse
team and student council—all you have to do is tell, like, two people and it’ll
be all over the school by Monday.”
“What if she doesn’t believe it?” Jared asks.
Jensen shrugs. “Not really the point. And somehow, I think she will. You know
they’ve broken up like ten times.”
“Yeah, I know,” Jared says. “He’s a real dick to her sometimes. She doesn’t
deserve it.”
“He’s a dick to everyone.”
Jared nods. “So, have you thought about my lacrosse game at all? We could use
more people to fill up the stands.”
“Oh, yeah,” Jensen says. Truthfully, he hasn’t really thought about it at all
and he’s surprised to hear Jared bring it up again.
“And?”
“Uh, well I have a paper due, and—”
“When don’tyou have a paper due?”
“I know. It’s just—”
“C’mon, Ackles,” Jared grins. “It’s only a couple hours of your precious time.”
“Yeah, I mean, alright. Okay. I’ll go.”
“Cool, it starts at seven. And, uh,” Jared looks sheepish. “Can you bring the
Calc homework?”
Jensen sighs. “Yeah, I can do that.”
“Thanks, man.”
 
                *****
 
                The lacrosse game turns out to not be the worst thing that’s
ever happened to him.
                It’s cold after the sun goes down and Jensen’s teeth chatter
even though he’s huddled between Misha and Sophia. Poor Misha came straight
from the computer lab in only a sweater and Jensen feels bad for guilting him
into coming.
                Sophia’s scribbling notes frantically, jotting down jersey
numbers and glancing at her watch every time someone scores, recording the
times.
                It sort of sucks that Padalecki’s gonna be ineligible cause
he’s actually really good. He’s all over the field and even makes a goal from
pretty far away, flinging the ball in a smooth arc to the back of the net.
                Most of the time he’s feeding the ball to Tom and Steve
Carlson, running from one end of the field to the other and doing a whole lot
of yelling and checking with his stick. Every time he crashes into another boy,
Jensen flinches before reminding himself that it’s part of the game. Plus, he’s
one of the biggest guys out there and definitely one of the tallest, so it’s
not like he’s gonna break or anything.
                Not that he cares, anyways.
“Jeez, eyes on the prize there, Jenny?” Sophia says.
                “Wha?” Jensen’s only just realizing how intently he’s been
watching Jared.
                “Welling needs to pick up the slack,” Sophia mutters. “Like,
his middies are pretty good. Padalecki and Cohen especially.”
                “Yeah,” Jensen says noncommittally.
                “Didn’t you sleep with Matt once or something?”
                Jensen coughs and pulls his coat around himself tighter. “No, I
didn’t.”
                Misha glances at him curiously. “I thought you said…?”
                “I blew him, okay?” Jensen hisses. “He was really nice.”
                Sophia giggles and a middle-aged woman behind Jensen clears her
throat.
                He blushes darker and Sophia snorts so hard it sounds like she
might’ve knocked something out of place. She doesn’t even know that he’s
actually sucked off both of Eldridge’s star midfielders but he’s not about to
enlighten her.
                Jensen notices then that Genevieve Cortese is sitting a few
rows in front of them, her hood up against the cold. He wonders if the news
about Tom’s gotten around to her yet. She’s sitting with Katie Cassidy and a
couple of other seniors that Jensen doesn’t know and Sandy McCoy is nowhere to
be seen. She seems happy enough, but then she’s always been put-together.
                Eldridge wins by an easy margin and Jensen doesn’t stand up and
cheer with everyone else, but there’s a warm satisfaction in his stomach that
he’d never admit to feeling.
                Chad and James Lafferty are shoving each other around, though
it’s mostly Chad who gets knocked off balance and nearly falls over while
Lafferty barely budges.
                Jared tugs his navy blue jersey off over his head for some
reason (Jensen pegs it to some weird sports ritual he’ll never understand) and
slaps his teammates on their backs and asses, wearing one of those super tight
black Under Armour shirts with long sleeves.
                “You guys go ahead. I gotta give Padalecki something,” Jensen
says, swinging his backpack onto his shoulder.
                “Yeah, I bet you’re gonna give him something,” Sophia sniggers.
                Jensen flips her off and she ushers a shivering Misha away,
cackling.
                Jensen jumps off the bleachers and makes his way to the
sidelines, trying not to be too obvious about the fact that he’s waiting for
one of the players. It strikes him that he’s standing next to a girl who’s
waiting for her boyfriend, one of Eldridge’s defensive players.
                Jensen flushes and promptly steps away from the line.
                Genevieve’s there, too, though she doesn’t look happy. As soon
as Tom makes to hug her, she pulls away, frowning. She’s talking in a voice too
low for Jensen to hear, but he can guess what’s going on.
                Jared’s hanging back, watching the two of them with a furrowed
brow. He seems satisfied when Gen storms off, leaving Tom behind. Then, Jared
catches sight of Jensen and jogs over, all smiles and floppy hair. He looks so
much like a giant puppy Jensen kind of wants to pet him before he gets a grip
on himself.
“What’d you think?”
                Jensen clears his throat. “It was good. I mean, for a bunch of
big sweaty dudes running around.”
                “Funny, that’s the part I thought you’d be into,” Jared grins.
                He unscrews the cap on his water bottle and pours some over his
head. The water runs down his hair and drips onto his shoulders.
                “Yeah, well, the view wasn’t half bad,” Jensen admits, and then
before he can stop himself adds, “But I guess it depends who you’re looking
at.”
                “Were you cheering for the home team?”
                Jensen’s mouth goes dry and he licks his lips. “Mighta been.”
                Jared’s eyes glint, but he changes the subject. “Did you bring
me anything?”
                “Besides the pleasure of my company?”
                Jared grimaces. “You know what I mean.”
                Jensen digs through his bag and extracts the next day’s Calc
answers from his folder.
                Jared reaches for it but Jensen snatches the paper out of his
reach. “Hey now, I think you can ask nicer than that.”
                Jared grins and tries to grab it, but Jensen steps back again.
                “C’mon Ackles,” Jared says. “What do you want me to do?”
                “You can start by begging and telling me how you’ve got the
best tutor in the whole damn world—”
                Jared takes advantage of Jensen’s distraction and lunges
forward, knocking Jensen off balance. In a second, Jared catches him by the
wrist, snatching the paper out of his hand and laughing.
                They’re pressed up close, Jared’s hot breath on his throat and
the stink of his sweat and sweet, spicy deodorant overwhelming. His fingers
tighten on Jensen’s wrist and for the briefest of moments, Jensen lets himself
go pliant under his touch, leans towards the warmth of Jared.
                Jared holds Jensen’s arm down, traps it between their bodies
and fuckJensen’s knees are shaking.
                “I—”
                “What?” Jared asks, voice low, breath coming out in a fog in
the chilly night air.
                It’s just the two of them under the glare of the lights.
                “Get off me,” Jensen mutters, breaking away from Jared roughly.
He straightens his shirt and clears his throat, looking down at his shoes.
                “I gotta—I’m gonna go.”
                “Okay,” Jared says, his tone neutral. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
                “Yeah,” Jensen says, already turning on his heel to leave. He
kicks himself that he’s letting Jared see him unnerved, but all he wants is to
be as far away from the stadium lights as he can get.
 
                *****
                Jensen rubs his eyes behind his glasses and takes another sip
of coffee.
                It’s past midnight and he really shouldn’t have left this essay
for Euro so late, but Sophia had called to ask him about her Computer Science
homework which had basically turned into an over-the-phone tutoring session
before it devolved into a chance for both of them to bitch about anything and
everything.
                Papers suck and he’s too tired for this.
                He casts a glance at his bed, the down comforter practically
calling his name. He still has so much to do before he can fall on to it. His
head is aching and he can’t believe he got himself into this mess.
                Jensen grabs his textbook off the shelf and starts scribbling
down some answers for Padalecki to copy.
                He shouldn’t have gone to that fucking game. He knew he had a
paper due and if he hadn’t wasted so much time on trying to help Jared pass,
maybe he’d be asleep right now.
                And it isnothing more than a waste of time. He knows
Padalecki’s type (mostly because it’s the type he seems to gravitate towards).
It’s not gonna go anywhere and even if it did, it wouldn’t be anywhere good.
He’s thinking with his dick instead of his brain and when has thatever gotten
him shit?
                Last time he’d let himself do something this stupid, he’d lost
a year of his time chasing after the goddamn quarterback who only saw him as
his friend, the hopeless virgin that needed someone to watch his back so he
didn’t get his twinky little ass kicked, and that was before Chris decided
hewanted a piece of that same twinky little ass.
                Afterwards, he’d just split town like it was nothing and Jensen
still can’t think back on it without feeling stupid. He should’ve seen Chris
leaving a mile away in the same way he should back off Padalecki now before
things get even more complicated.
                He folds his arms on top of his papers, laying his head down
and closing his eyes against the desk light.
                Stupid. This is all so fucking stupid and he needs to get his
life back on track. Starting tomorrow, he’s gonna put school first again. No
more going out of his way for guys he barely knows.
                He sets his alarm to give himself an hour and a half to sleep,
strips down to his boxers, and collapses on to his bed.
    He dreams of running laps on the lacrosse field with his backpack weighing
him down. The lights are on him and everyone in the stands is yelling for him.
He’s letting them all down—they’re holding up signs with his name on them and
he can make out his mom’s face in the crowd. She’s trying to smile but he can
tell he’s embarrassing her. The girl from the sidelines earlier is watching
with a raised eyebrow and he knows if he wants to win, he needs to run a whole
hell of a lot faster. 
***** Six *****
                                I want love to
                           walk right up and bite me,
         Grab a hold of me and fight me, leave me dying on the ground.
                                I want love to
                           split my mouth wide open,
              And cover up my ears and never let me hear a sound
                                        
                Jensen wakes up sweaty, a beam of sunlight streaming through
the blinds.
                “Fuck!”
He throws the blankets back, pulling on his wrinkled shirt and grabbing his
uniform coat and tie from off the floor.
He checks his phone, furious. He set his alarm for 2 PM instead of AM.
“Fuckfuckfuckfuck,”Jensen chants, shoving books into his bag.
He bolts out the door, slamming it behind him and sprinting towards his Geology
lecture. Luckily, the science building isn’t too far from his dorm and he makes
it only a couple of minutes late.
Dr. Shields casts him a reproving look from the front of the room but continues
on about glaciers and Jensen hears someone hiss his name.
Jared gestures to the empty seat next to him. In fact, most of the rows in the
back are empty.
Jensen hesitates, then makes his way to the middle of the row to sit next to
him. He gets out his notebook and pen, flipping to a clean sheet of paper
without looking at Padalecki.
Jared’s already smirking.
Jensen’s never sat so far back in a classroom. He’s always in the first five
rows. Students who sit in the front make a better impression on their teachers.
But then he’s also never this late.
The room is set up like a college lecture hall with theatre style seating and
he and Jared are totally alone.
Why he let Jared convince him to sit next to him is a whole other mystery since
Jared’s not letting Jensen get a single word of the lecture. He keeps talking,
telling stupid stories about his weekend and some kegger he went to with Chad
off campus. Jensen’s already heard half of them anyways since Sophia was at the
same party and told Jensen all about it last night.
Jensen shouldn’t be sitting next to Jared. He shouldn’t be listening to a damn
word coming out of his mouth. He shouldn’t have been late, either, but he’d
been up half the night overanalyzing anything and everything to do with
Padalecki. Yet another reason he shouldn’t be here.
It takes all of two minutes for Jensen to tell him to shut up.
Jared laughs. “I dunno why you’re so uptight, Ackles. All I can think of is
that you’re not getting any.”
                “I could getplenty if I wanted to,” Jensen snaps back.
                “Oh, I don’t doubt it. I’m just sayin’…”
                “Well stop just sayin’,‘cause I don’t give a shit what you’ve
got to just say,alright?”
                Jared chuckles under his breath and listens to the lecture for
a while.
                Jensen’s trying to keep up with Shields and to not think about
how Jared doesn’t seem to mind that their thighs are touching. When Jensen
moves his knee a fraction of an inch away from Jared’s, Padalecki’s leg chases
him like it’s got a mind of its own. Their knees bump together and Jared’s
totally oblivious.
                “Seriously, when’s the last time you got laid, Ackles?” Jared
whispers.
                “None of your business.”
                “How long?”
                Jared’s leg is hot against his. There’s no malice in his voice,
just curiosity.
                “Been a while,” Jensen murmurs.
                “Wanna tell me about it? This lecture sucks.”
                “No.” And actually the lecture isn’t that bad. When they get
into soils, it’s all Jensen can do to stay awake. But glaciers are important,
especially now with global warming looming.
                “C’mon Ackles, I’m bored,” Jared whines. His leg’s starting to
bounce; the way Jensen noticed that first day in Morgan’s Calc class.
                “I’m trying to pay attention,believe it or not,” Jensen hisses.
The friction Jared’s leg is making between their khakis is really distracting.
                “Was it a guy or a chick?”
                “Shut up.”
                “Was it Bush? Bet it was a dude. Was it that geeky kid in the
sweaters you hang out with?”
                “Padalecki, I swear to God…”
                “Nah, you like jocks, don’t you?”
                Jensen’s leg twitches against Jared’s.
                “Oh, it was so wasa jock.Do I know him?”
                “No. He graduated a few years ago.”
                “Oooh, an older man,” Jared beams. “Try me, c’mon, I bet I knew
him.”
                “Seriously, shut the fuck up.” Jensen whispers harshly. Shields
is going to hear them soon and Jensen would rather not get thrown out of class.
                “Okay, fine,” Jared shoots back. His leg pulls away from
Jensen’s, still bouncing a mile a minute.
                Jensen didn’t think he’d get off the hook that easily. Jared’s
pouting, but quietly, so it’s fine with him.
                He jots down notes about the melting ice and within a few
minutes he’s lost. Shields keeps using words he doesn’t remember ever hearing
and the movement of Jared’s leg is more interesting than a bunch of rock
jargon.
                “It was, um, Christian,” he murmurs, blushing and staring down
at his two lines of notes. It’s more than Padalecki’s managed; all he’s got are
a few scribbles and doodles of stick people.
                “Christian who?” Jared perks up again. His knee nudges
Jensen’s.
                “Kane.”
                Jared stops moving for a second to stare.
                “Youfucked Chris Kane?”
                “Just once,” Jensen mumbles.
                “When?”
                “It was, ah, before he graduated.”
                “So you were what, a freshman?”
                “Yeah.”
                Jared’s smile is back, dimples half-moons cut deep in his skin.
                “Wow, captain of the football team when you were a freshman.
I’m impressed, Ackles. Didn’t think you were the type. Didn’t think hewas the
type.”
                “I’m not. He’s not,” Jensen stammers. “We were friends.”
                 “And now?”
                Jensen doesn’t know what he’d call Chris anymore. He hasn’t
seen him since he graduated, when he’d been talking about going to school for
football, someday playing for the Steelers. He could’ve, he was good enough.
                Chris hadn’t written or called or anything since he’d left. It
wasn’t like Jensen expected flowers and a thanks for your virginitycard, but
the whole thing had been pretty abrupt. One minute they were hanging out
listening to Kid Aand the next Jensen had been face down in Chris’ bed. They’d
never talked about it which was mostly okay with him. There wasn’t much to say.
His first time had been better than most of his friends’, and he figured he’d
leave it at that. He’d wanted Chris for a long time and he’d never for a second
imagined the feeling was mutual until that day. If Chris didn’t want to discuss
it, neither did Jensen.
                “Now we’re not.”
                He’s not sure why he’s telling Jared; only that his leg feels
good against Jensen’s, he has no idea what’s going on in class and Jared’s
dimples are close enough to touch if he wanted to. Last time they were this
close Jared was groaning and writhing, Jensen’s lips wrapped around his dick.
Which is not helping him concentrate.
                “That’s too bad. You wanna hear about my last?” Jared asks.
                Not really, but Jared keeps going.
                “Last weekend, some girl from Hearst. Soccer player. Brunette.
Tight little body. She wanted it bad.”
                Jensen’s never been the type to pat people on the back for
their conquests but yeah maybe he’s getting hard anyways. It’s Jared’s voice,
the way he talksabout fucking.
                “We were coming off the field. She’d been watching me the
entire game. I could feel it. I was barely out of my uniform and we got behind
the concession stand in the grass. Still got the stains on my knees. ’Cause she
let me get her on her back right there, with all the parents hanging around
waiting for their kids. She just dropped her shorts…”
                Jared’s tanned back, sleek and wet from sweat under the stadium
lights. Smooth flex and release of muscle in his back and hips as he thrusts
into her, trying to suppress her moans because Jared’s fingers are working at
her clit, his mouth devouring hers.
               “And then the week before that, there was this chick at the
boardwalk who blew me in the bathroom. She was so wet, Ackles, all I had to do
was finger her after. She begged me to fuck her, but…”
                Jared filling up a stall with a girl on her knees, moaning the
way Jensen can’t stop thinking about. Maybe getting a grip in her hair and
dragging her up and down his cock, jeans hanging low, his bare ass rubbing
against the cement wall in the beachside bathroom.
                Jared smiles sweetly.
                He’d pull her up, like he’d done to Jensen. Get her against the
wall, holding her there while he slips his hand up her skirt, shoves her
drenched panties out of the way.
                “And then of course there was our little rendezvous in the
locker room…”
                “Who can tell what happens when sheets of ice are falling off
the faces of glaciers? Does anyone remember the term?” Dr. Shields is looking
around for volunteers.
Glaciers are important. Global warming is serious business. If only he could
get past the images of Jared having sex. It’s got to be beautiful, that big,
cut body of his in action.
                “…God, the mouth on you, Ackles. Wondered if you could live up
to the hype, but you just took it,didn’t you? Loved sucking my cock.”
                Jared’s voice goes a little breathy on the word ‘cock,’ he’s
smiling so wide. Something about the combination of the filth he’s spewing and
Jared’s dimples is doing very, veryuncomfortable things to Jensen and his hand
twitches so hard he drops his pen.
                Jensen leans over in his seat, right hand outstretched to reach
for it. But as he does, a warm pressure closes around his left wrist, the one
still on the armrest of his chair. He has a split second realization that it’s
Jared’s fingersbefore the warmth is replaced by something soft and unyielding.
                Jensen sits up abruptly, whirling to face Jared, drawing both
arms back to his sides—except that he can’t because his left wrist is cuffedto
his fucking armrest.
                Seriously, what the hell is going on with his life lately? He’s
hard in class over some brainless LAX player and now he’s somehow landed in the
setup of awful porn for the second time in a month. All that’s missing is the
shitty synth music.
                “Padalecki, if you want to keep both your balls, you’re gonna
unlock this. Now.”
                He planned this.The thought hits Jensen like the time Josh had
accidentally kicked a soccer ball straight into his stomach while he was
helping him practice. Padalecki actually set this up. Wanted me to get
distracted, wanted me to sit next to him.
               “Sorry, Jen. No can do. Seems I misplaced the key.”
                Jared grins, all dimples and innocence. Jensen is going to
scream. He’s going to actually lose it in front of all these people. He’s
shaking, cheeks flushed and teeth clenched; he’s never been so pissed in his
life.
                “This isn’t fucking funny,” he hisses, pulling at the chain.
It’s only then that he notices they’re lined with velvet because they’re the
kind of horrible, kitschy sex toy Jared wouldbuy.
 And this—this is fucking humiliating.
                “I’m not going to act out your delinquent fantasy, I’m going
to—”
                “What, Jen? Ask for help? Feel free.”
                Jensen’s ears turn red and Jared smiles wider.
                “Besides, it’s not what gets meoff.”
                “Mr. Padalecki? Did you need something repeated?” Mr. Shields
is squinting in their direction along with half the class. Shields can’t
actually see them since the bulb of the projector is blinding him. Jensen’s not
sure if that’s good or bad.
                “No, sir. I was just getting Jensen up to speed since he missed
last class.”
                Jensen didn’t think it was physically possible for him to turn
any redder, but his body’s proving him wrong. Everyone must know that
something’s up.
                The only mercy is that Shields never takes attendance and
doesn’t know Jared’s lying.
                “Well, keep it down,” he says.
                “Yes, sir,” Jared beams and Shields turns his back on them
again, returning to his lecture. Jensen wishes more than anything that he could
call out to him and tell him what’s really going on in the back of his
classroom.
                “Now, where were we?” Jared purrs in his ear.
                “The set-up of cliché porn, I think.”
                It’d be something like Science Twinks,or maybe Geology Class:
Rock Hard Edition.Jensen almost snorts out loud. If Jared really thinks he’s
gonna go through with this…
                “Aw, c’mon. I don’t think this is so bad. Besides, you’re
supposed to be the smart one. Not your fault you’re a bit lacking in the
creativity department. I guess it’s a good thing I know what you like.”
                If Jensen had the willpower, he’d be telling Jared that he
doesn’t know shit about what he likes. That, and the fact that Jared obviously
does. The pressure on his wrist has him biting down on his lip.
“I saw your face when I held you down the other night on the field. You
loveit,” Jared whispers. “You should go easy on yourself.”
                Jensen stares straight ahead, pretending he doesn’t notice the
way Jared’s voice moves away from his ear. It’s coming from somewhere below
Jensen’s chin now.
                “But you don’t do that, do you? Nothing but the best from
Jensen Ackles. All work and no play.”
                Jared’s quieter, his voice only for Jensen. There’s no way he’s
getting out of this.
                “You feel in control now, Ackles? You feel high and mighty?”
                Jensen squirms in his seat.
                “You think I don’t see how you look at me? How you’ve always
looked at me?”
                Jared’s voice moves further south and a glance downward causes
Jensen’s breath to catch in his chest.
                Padalecki’s not in his chair anymore. He’s on his knees on the
floor, head over Jensen’s lap. Not touching, just hovering over him and God
bless that open mouth. 
                “Don’t worry, Jen. I’m not gonna touch you again.”
                Jensen bites back a groan.
                “I don’t have to.”
                And that’s the real bitch of it, because he doesn’t. Jensen’s
hard in his khakis without even being touched, his dick straining at his
zipper. Taking shallow breaths through his nose, Jensen closes his eyes,
willing himself to calm down. He doesn’t want to give Padalecki the
satisfaction.
                But it’s too late. Jared’s noticed.
                “Look at you. Getting a boner in class just from me being near
you. Talking to you,” Jared’s tone borders on wonder. “I bet you’d love to rub
one out right now, wouldn’t you? In front of everyone. Right here, with me
watching you do it.”
                Jensen bites down on his lower lip, the cuff jangling as he
readjusts in his seat. Jesus Christ, he’s going to die. This is it. His dick’s
gone and gotten him killed.
                “On second thought, this isa little bit for me, too. Not gonna
lie, Ackles, I like being watched. And that freshman over there…”
                Jensen’s eyes dart to the right, but no one’s looking. There’s
a girl four rows up, diagonal from them, with blonde hair in a ponytail who’d
probably be able to see them if she turned around. Did he mean her? Or someone
else? Or Is Jared fucking with him and nobody’s looking at all?
                “Do you think she knows how easy you are underneath all the
bullshit? Think she wants to watch me suck you off? ‘Cause I’d do it.”
                “Jared,”Jensen hisses. “P-please.”
                “Please what?” Jared looks straight into his eyes, expression
sober.
                “Just… don’t.”
                “I’ll back off, Ackles. All you gotta do is say so.” Jared
retracts from his lap and watches him.
                Jensen opens his mouth to tell him just that but can’t get the
words out. His thighs are trembling and he hates to admit that he wantsthis.
Bad. And to make matters worse, he wants Jared to be the one to do it. He can’t
explain it. He doesn’t likePadalecki and being broken down by someone he
considers a rival is…
                “Tell me what you want me to do, Jensen.”
                And that’s it; what finally slams him in the gut the hardest
and has his cock leaking. The way Jared says his name; his first name.
                “Wanna fuck you,” Jensen mumbles, the words tripping out all at
once. Saying it out loud makes it that much worse. “Want you to fuck me.”
                Jared chuckles, inching back in between Jensen’s legs. He’s out
of breath, too.
                “Jumping the gun a little, don’t you think? I haven’t even
bought you dinner. Not that I would.”
                Jared’s hands are braced against the armrests on either side of
Jensen. Those fucking hands…
                “You really want it bad, don’t you?”
                “Mmhmm.” Jensen’s lips are sealed tight.
                “Move your free hand. Touch your thigh.”
                He could ignore it. He could tell Jared to fuck off and he’d
listen, Jensen knows he would. Jared’s not interested in playing with him if he
won’t play back.
Trembling, Jensen obeys.
                “Closer to your cock.”
                Jensen keeps the whimper in, but it’s a close thing. God, he
regrets ever speaking to Padalecki. Almost as much as he’s regretting telling
Jared not to touch him in the locker room which is obviously what this is
about.
                No hard feelings. Right. None at all.
                “Look at me,” Jared whispers.
                Jensen does, meeting Jared’s odd eyes for a second time since
this game’s started. He can’t decide what color they are. Hazel, if he had to
pick one. But there’s gold, green and blue looking back at him and pinning him
in place.
                “You love being told what to do, don’t you?”
                Jensen bites down on his lip harder and doesn’t respond.
                “Move your hand. Touch yourself.”
                Jensen gulps and palms himself through his pants and shit it’s
a stupid move. It’s so good,toogood with Jared’s eyes on him. He glances at
Jared’s hands on either side of him, focusing on tracing the veins that stand
out, trying not to think about how many people can see what he’s doing.
                “She’s watching us again,” Jared murmurs as though he’s reading
Jensen’s mind.
                Jensen can’t bring himself to care.
                “You know I’m gonna fuck you, Jensen. Maybe not any time soon.
But it’s gonna happen.”
                Jared’s voice goes rough with excitement, making the whispered
filthy promises even better.
                “And you’re gonna beg me for it, just like you are now.”
                Please. Please, Jesus fucking Christ…
               “More. Touch yourself more.”
                “I can’t— Jared, I can’t, please, I can’t.”
               Jared reaches up and unbuckles his belt for him, not looking
away for a second.
                “Yes, you can. Do it.”
Jensen shudders, his body wracked with that out-of-control wantthat’s gonna
kill him if he doesn’t get it out. It’s gonna kill him if he does. Either way
it’s too much.
Jared, meanwhile, rests his chin on Jensen’s thigh.
“Jensen.”
As soon as Jared lifts his head from his lap, Jensen’s free hand is inside his
pants then his boxers, fisting awkwardly around his cock. He can’t set up a
rhythm; he’s too embarrassed, too needy and fuckhe has to get this over with
fast before—
                “Hand,” he grunts. If it was possible for him to blush more,
it’d happen right about now.
                “Hmmm?”
                “Your hand. M-mouth. Please…” Jensen gasps.
                Perplexed, Jared raises his right hand to Jensen’s lips. His
confusion turns to heat a second later when Jensen takes three of Jared’s thick
fingers into his mouth, sucking the taste and so gladhe’s being filled.
                Jared’s staring at him in awe. He starts moving his fingers in
and out, dragging along Jensen’s tongue and Yes—
               “That’s it,” Jared murmurs.
                There’s a moment where Jensen’s poised on the edge, trying to
keep his head and he moves his hand away, but it’s too late. Jared’s fingers
skim over the roof of his mouth and Jensen’s coming in his pants. Just like
that, like he isn’t a totally in-control, junior in high school. Like he’s back
in middle school, popping wood for the first time because someone accidentally
brushed his leg.
                His mind whites out and he latches down on Jared’s hand hard,
desperately trying not to make a sound. He’s going to fucking explode if he
doesn’t, he can’t hold it all in and the muscles in his legs are reduced to
absolute Jell-O.
                Jared’s murmuring dirt and praises exactly the same as he did
in the locker room, like his dick and his mouth are connected and he can’t get
off without spewing all kinds of ridiculous bullshit that, for some reason,
makes Jensen lose his mind.
                Jensen pulls off Jared’s fingers and buries his face in the
crook of his elbow as he tries to steady his breathing. With a metallic click
his left wrist is free from the cuff.
                Jared zips his pants for him and buckles his belt.
It weirds him out way more than the rest did, and when the bell rings two
minutes later Jensen’s the first one out the door, flushed and sticky, feeling
Jared’s eyes on him the whole way.
*****
 
Jensen doesn’t want it to be a big deal. Last time he made it a big deal,
things only got worse between them.
                It’s just, Jared made him come in his pants. In public. With
his fingers in Jensen’s mouth. There’s not really a graceful way to handle that
as far as he knows.
                Sophia bursts into his room the second he’s out of the shower
and he nearly drops his towel in shock.
                “Christ, what’s wrong with knocking?”
                “Relax, Jenny. Nothing I haven’t seen.”
                Jensen grumbles about his lost privacy and their friendship as
he pulls on sweats and a t-shirt.
                “Sweatpants?” Sophia wrinkles her nose. “What’s wrong?”
                “I, uh…”
                She scrutinizes him for a moment. “It’s Padalecki, isn’t it?
Bitten off more than you can chew?”
                “I can chew plenty,” Jensen protests. “It’s just, uh, things
have gotten…”
                “Complicated?”
                “I guess.”
                “How complicated we talkin’?”
                “Like… handcuffs and blowjobs complicated.”
                Sophia stares at him— jaw hanging open gapesat him.
                “Jensen RossAckles, you did not—”
               Jensen covers his eyes with a hand and grimaces. “I did. I
really did. I overdid.”
                Sophia starts giggling. “Ohhhh my God.”
                “Leave it, okay? It was— we didn’t—”
                “Is he hung? Even though he’s an asshole I always wondered,
‘cause, like, if he’s proportional…”
                Jensen smacks his knee on his bed frame and swears. This is so
not a conversation he needs to be having when he’s trying to make sense of the
mess his life’s become.
                “C’mon Jenny, spill.”
                “I—yeah, I guess he’s, I dunno.”
                Sophia cackles and flops onto his bed. “I knewit!”
                “You were the one who told me not to get involved!” Jensen
snarls.
                Christ, this is embarrassing. He’s suddenly remembering why he
hadn’t planned on telling Sophia anything.
                “Not my fault you chose to ignore my advice. I’m only here to
enjoy the consequences of your mistakes,” Sophia grins.
                “Some friend you are.”
                “Please,” Sophia rolls her eyes. “Don’t be overdramatic. Did
you fuck him yet?”
                “No.” Jensen turns away to hide the fact that he’s blushing
more than ever. What the hell’s wrong with him? He’s never had a problem
talking about sex before. Not that they’ve even hadsex.
                “So what’s the deal? What’s the plan?”
                “There is no plan. It started off with a bet. It was… it was
stupid.”
                “Can’t have been that stupid if you came back for more,” Sophia
points out. She’s paging through the National Geographicon Jensen’s desk,
pausing on images from a festival in Greece.
                “I didn’t mean to. It sorta… happened, I guess.”
                She looks up from the magazine. “Oooh, I love when it
‘happens.’ Those are the best.”
                “He… he handcuffedme in class, Soph.”
                She bursts out laughing again, actually holding her stomach and
rolling around on his bed. “You’ve gotta be fucking with me. This is toofucking
good.”
                Jensen runs a hand through his damp hair and sighs. And here he
thought Sophia would be able to help him.
                “So, Ackles has finally met his match,” Sophia snorts.
“Seriously, how come your sex life got all smokin’ hot when mine’s migrated
south for the winter?”
                “Please. He’s not my match.He’s just hot, okay? And if he
thinks I’m hot, too, why shouldn’t we… do…”
                Whatever it is they’re doing.
                “By all means,” Sophia says, putting her hands up in the air.
“Do! Do all you want. Don’t let me stop you.”
                “But you think it’s a bad idea?”
                “Jensen, it’s a terrible idea. That’s what makes it hot.”
                Stupidly, overwhelmingly hot. The kind of hot that makes him
want to go right back to Jared’s dorm tonight, consequences and dignity be
damned.
                “Soph, he knew about—” Jensen gestures vaguely to his wrists.
“He knew that I’d, uh, like that.”
                “Really?” she sniggers. “Bet you loved it.”
                “I guess. It was just weird, y’know? Like he knew exactly what
I wanted, even when I was telling him I didn’t. And he kept talking…”
                Sophia sighs wistfully. “He did this to you in class?”
                “Yeah, in the back of Shields’ lecture. There were people who
could see and everything.”
                “Ah, so it’s blue balls that’s got you down?”
                “Er, no. Actually. I may or may not have… uh, blown my load. In
class.”
                “You actually…?” Sophia whistles. “I dunno, Jen. I don’t think
I’d give that up if I were you.”
                Sophia knows his hang-ups and kinks better than any guy he’s
messed around with. She’s probably the only person who knows just how little
Jensen hooks up at all, and how, during the school year, he’s practically a
monk. Even at the odd party he goes to, he hardly ever lets anyone get him off.
                “But it’s stupid, right? I shouldn’t do it again?”
                She cocks her head to the side and considers the question. “I
mean, the kid’s definitely bad news. But he did that for you, Jen, and that’s
not something you do for someone you’re not into.”
                “But it’s a control thing, don’t you think?”
                “Yeah, partly. But getting someone off like that… It takes
planning. Forethought. Like he wanted to get you off in a way he thought you’d
like.”
                A glow of pleasure hums in Jensen’s gut. Jared thoughtabout
him, had wanted to make him feel good. Sure it’d been kinda embarrassing, but
that made it better. Maybe Jensen needs that once in a while—a chance to lose
his head.
                “Plus, I’m not sure I’m the right person to ask about this
stuff, Jenny. I don’t always make the best decisions.”
                “Yeah, but you do okay.”
                “Thanks,” She smirks. “I guess I do. After all, I sat next to
you at orientation, didn’t I?”
                “That you did,” Jensen grins back.
                He sits next to Sophia on the bed, reading the National
Geographicover her shoulder. Thirty minutes later, they’re curled up underneath
the blankets, Jensen’s nostrils full of Gaultier’s Fragile,Sophia’s perfume of
choice since freshman year.
                “Hey Jen?”
                “Hmmm?” He rolls over to face her.
                “Be careful, okay?”
                The scent reminds him of getting stupidly drunk, holding
Sophia’s hair back, ditching out of class early to smoke cigarettes on The
Circle.
It smells like them.
“Okay.”

                *****
Jensen wakes up in darkness, disoriented. It takes him a few minutes to figure
out it’s nighttime instead of early morning. He must’ve dozed off with Sophia.
She’s gone, her scent lingering on Jensen’s pillow.
He’s glad to have enough space to turn over, though he wishes she would’ve
stayed the night. It felt good to not worry for an hour or so.
He fluffs his pillow and turns over to try and fall back asleep. He gives it up
after twenty minutes of kicking his blankets around.
He’s thinking about getting up and going out to get a late dinner when his
phone rings. He never labeled the phone number, didn’t have to after the first
few texts anyways. He knows those digits practically by heart at this point.
Jensen considers ignoring Jared’s call for a few seconds, his pulse hammering.
He has no idea what to say to Padalecki; hasn’t even begun to process what
happened between them.
“Hello?”
Jared doesn’t waste any time with pleasantries.
“What’re you doing right now?”
“Trying to sleep,” Jensen croaks. His skin feels uncomfortably tight at the
thought of how the same voice had been telling him to touch himself mere hours
ago.
“Did I tire you out in class?” Jensen can hear the grin.
He contemplates hanging up on Padalecki but figures that’d make him a
spoilsport or the world’s biggest bitch.
“Maybe,” is all he offers.
“Look Jensen,” Jared begins, already more serious than Jensen’s ever heard him.
Not to mention, the only time Jared’s called him by his first name was when he
was trying to get him off.
“Geology today was… I got carried away. I mean, I don’t… I don’t want to make
you do anything you don’t want to. If it ever gets to be too much, all you’ve
gotta do is say so. Just be straight with me.”
Jared said ‘if it ever gets to be too much,’ as though they’d do it again. Huh.
“Alright,” Jensen nods, forgetting that Jared can’t see it. “It’s… uh, not too
much.”
“It’s not?”
Jensen hesitates. If it’s sex Padalecki’s after, well, they’ve already started
down that path. He can work with that because despite everything else, he does
want Jared. If there’s a way he can have him on level ground…
“No,” Jensen says. Deep down, he doesn’t want this fucked up thing between them
to end. He can’t let it die when he doesn’t know what else it could become.
They’ve just gotten started and they’ve each gotten something they wanted.
In the heavy silence afterwards Jensen notices the way Jared’s breathing.
“Are you… are you jerking off?”
“Might be,” Jared grunts. “Left me kinda high and dry in Geology.”
Jensen didn’t think of that. He’d been so focused on getting the hell out of
his sticky khakis and class he’d forgotten that Jared was probably hard too.
It’d gross him out if it was someone else. Having had the guy’s dick in his
mouth kinda helps with any embarrassment he might be feeling, though.
 “Where’s your roommate?”
“Gone,” Jared murmurs. “God, been thinking about you all day, Ackles.”
Jensen shivers, his back arching slightly off the mattress. No need to pretend
here, no need to act like Jared’s voice doesn’t make him want to do the
stupidest, craziest things he can think of. Hence why he hasn’t hung up yet. 
 “Yeah?” Jensen whispers. He manages not to stammer even though he’s getting
hard. “What about me?”
“Your mouth. The way you just…” Jared’s panting and Jensen’s just about
throbbing at the thought of him jacking off over what they did in class. “Just
sucked my fingers. Loved having me in your mouth again. Said please.”
“Yeah,” Jensen says again, dumb and hazy. He’s never done anything like this,
which he guesses could qualifyas phone sex if he’s being technical.
“What were you thinking?”
“Needed to have my mouth full. Wanted to taste,” Jensen mutters, flushing. His
hand moves to the waistband of his sweatpants and slips beneath it. “Wanted
you.”
 “God, Ackles,” Jared groans into the phone, the sound reverberating down
Jensen’s spine. “Wanted to fuck you so bad. Would’ve, if I could’ve gotten away
with it.”
“Yeah?”
“Mmhmm,” Jared purrs. “In front of all those people.”
Jensen scrunches his eyes shut and reaches for the lotion on his desk.
“You touching yourself?” Jared asks.
“Yeah,” Jensen replies, biting down on a moan.
They listen to each other’s breathing for a moment.
“Think we gave that freshman a good show?” Jared asks.
Jensen’s breath stutters on a laugh. “I’d… say so.”
“Think she saw your cock?”
“Maybe.” Jensen closes his eyes, letting Jared’s voice wash over him in the
dark.
“Like it when you lose control like that,” Jared murmurs. “Love watching you
let go; touching yourself. Think she saw me in your lap?”
“Yeah,” Jensen pants. He’s aching, sweating all over already.
“I bet she’s thinking about us now. Thinking about watching me go down on you,
sucking your dick. Bet she’s all wet over you.”
“Is this the part where you tell me I’ve got a nice dick?” Jensen giggles. He’s
watched way too much porn over the past few weeks, which may or may not have
started after their meet-up in the locker room.
“You do,” Jared says. He’s not the slightest bit embarrassed, while Jensen
can’t say a damned thing in this conversation without his cheeks lighting on
fire with a mixture of humiliation and arousal. “Would love to jack you off,
nice and slow.”
Jensen chokes back a gasp and slows his own pace to synch his strokes up with
Jared’s words.
“Don’t hold back. Wanna hear you.”
“Fuck, Padalecki, I can’t—”
“Can’t what, baby?”
Jensen snorts a laugh at the endearment. He could suck Jared off a hundred
times and never get used to him trying to be niceabout it.
“Need to— Jesus I can’t—” Jensen makes a fist with his left hand and bites down
on it, his hips thrusting up off the bed. He’s so close, needs to relieve some
of the pressure, wishes he had Jared in his bed so he could bite and scratch
and—
He whimpers around the fist in his mouth with Jared’s harsh breathing egging
him on.
“God wanna come over there so bad. Wanna watch you, feel you.” Jared’s mumbling
a stream of nonsense that Jensen’s losing the ability to follow. Jared’s voice
wavers and he’s gasping for breath, all of it right in Jensen’s ear, careening
over the edge just for him to hear.
Jensen’s teeth sink deeper into the flesh of his hand, his calves straining,
back arching and he comes on his stomach and sheets.
The line’s quiet save for their labored breathing.
“You come for me, Ackles?”
“Y-yeah. Fuck, yeah,” Jensen’s trembling all over, body sleek with sweat. The
traces of Sophia’s perfume have long since been overwhelmed by the tang of salt
and sex.
“Good boy. See you tomorrow.”
Jared hangs up, leaving Jensen with a dial tone and a hand covered in his own
spunk for the second time that day.
His life is really getting weird.
***** Seven *****
                When I said what I said I didn't mean anything
                             We belong in a movie
               Try to hold it together 'til our friends are gone
                         We should swim in a fountain
                       Do not want to disappoint anyone
 
“Ackles!”
Jensen’s walking to an open table in the dining hall when Jared’s shout gets
his attention. Padalecki’s surrounded by a whole group of his teammates and a
few girls, Genevieve Cortese and Danneel Harris among them.
Jared gestures to the empty chair across from him.
Jensen hesitates. He usually eats lunch with Sophia, but maybe he could get her
a chair too. Not to mention he never would’ve thought in a billion years he’d
be invited to the cool kids’ table.Not that he cares, really. But Jared’s there
and Jensen guesses this means they’re friends or something.
He sits down with his tray of tofu stir-fry between Chad and Danneel.
“Thanks a lot,” Chad gripes.
“What? You got a problem with Ackles?” Jared grins like he dares Chad to say
something. Jensen wonders how much Chad knows about what his best friend’s been
doing with his free time lately.
“Chad’s just pissed ‘cause he can’t see down my shirt from over there,” Danneel
says drily.
“I would never—”
Genevieve throws a fry at Chad. “Right. Because you totally didn’t look up my
skirt when you went under the table five minutes ago to ‘pick up your pencil’.”
Chad’s mouth hangs open. “I am shockedby these accusations. I might have to
take my fine ass to a different table where they appreciate my contributions of
wit and good-looks.”
“No one’s stopping you,” Danneel says.
Chad shoots a look at James, who hasn’t said anything. His eyes are glued to
the TV showing ESPN.
“Well, I would. But I’d hate to deprive you of my presence.”
                Jensen waves to a harassed looking Sophia from across the
cafeteria when she enters. She does a double take when she sees where Jensen’s
sitting, or rather with whom he’s sitting, and approaches cautiously.
“Good thing Sandy’s not here today,” Danneel murmurs.
“Yeah, good thing,” Jared agrees with a stony expression.
It’s common knowledge that Jared and Sandy enjoy each other’s company about as
much as bathing in acid. Sophia and Sandy’s dynamic is pretty much the same.
Sophia’s not the easiest chick to get along with, especially if you’re into the
whole “nice girl” thing like Sandy McCoy is. It doesn’t help that Sophia’s
always intimidated other girls for one reason or another. Then there’s the
whole bit about Sandy being “the other woman” in Genevieve’s relationship with
Tom.
“How come?” Chad asks around his mouthful of pizza.
“Are you really that dumb?” Danneel asks, chucking another French fry his way.
Chad dodges and retaliates by flicking a pepperoni at her.
“Gross,” Danneel scowls. She shoots a glance at Genevieve, who’s staring down
at her plate. “No one here wants to talk about Sandy.”
“You’re right,” Jared nods. “So let’s not.”
He’s looking at Genevieve, too.
Genevieve frowns and says, “She and Sophia don’t really get along anyways.”
She doesn’t say anything about Tom.
 “Hey y’all,” Sophia says, pulling a chair up between Jensen and Danneel.
“Hey,” Danneel replies. “Nice job on the soccer coverage for last week’s game.”
“Thanks,” Sophia beams. “You guys are doing really great.”
“You should try out next season, we need more people.”
Jensen snorts, taking a swig from his water bottle. “Yeah, if you want the
other team to be hospitalized.”
Sophia glowers at him, but turns back to Danneel. “Thanks, but I think I’d
rather write about the team than play on it.”
“I’d try out if I wasn’t graduating,” Genevieve chimes in. “Not that I’m good,
or anything. Besides, Danneel, you’d kick my ass.”
“No way, you’d hold your own out there,” Danneel says. “Did she tell you guys
about the major ball busting she gave Tom?”
“No, she didn’t,” Jared says, sitting up straighter in his chair.
“What for?” Jensen asks, licking his lips.
Genevieve flushes and picks at her salad. “It wasn’t like that. I just… told
him I was tired of the back and forth.”
“She, like, served him his own head on a plate. I mean, it’s not like Gen
doesn’t have optionsand Tom’s such a jackass—”
“Danny,” Genevieve cuts in. “I’m sure no one wants to hear my breakup stories
while they’re eating.”
“I do,” Chad says.
Genevieve rolls her eyes and changes the subject, smiling over at Jared.
“Jared, do you wanna work on that proposal for the athletic department today?”
“Today? Uh, yeah, I mean I—I can do that,” Jared says, smiling back
tentatively.
Jared’s got a lot of friends and he’s vice president of student council and
therefore expected to spend a lot of time with Genevieve and the others, but it
doesn’t stop Jensen from narrowing his eyes at him.
Jared seems to sense Jensen’s gaze and he clears his throat.
“Yeah, so. We’ll do that. Today.”
“Great,” Genevieve says.
Jensen nearly jumps out of his seat when something bumps his calf and it takes
a few seconds for him to realize whatever it is is moving up and down his leg
purposefully, almost playfully.
He shoots a glance at Jared. His eyes are fixed on the TV. Jensen scowls, not
fooled for a second and stomps on Jared’s foot.
Jared yelps and knocks the table with his knee, sending his silverware flying
across the floor and knocking Danneel’s mineral water into Chad’s lap.
“Damn it Padalecki! If you can’t keep your giant freak legs under control I
swear to God I’m gonna cut them off while you’re asleep,” Chad swears and uses
a stack of about fifty napkins to soak the mess up.
Genevieve goes to get more napkins for him and Jensen suppresses a flicker of
annoyance.
Jared, meanwhile, glares at Jensen, whose attention is now firmly on the TV and
he may or may not be smirking and enjoying Jared’s discomfort way too much.  

                *****
                Jensen approaches Jared in Calc the next day, having just
scored another perfect quiz grade and feeling pretty damn good that at least
one of his classes is still easy. 
                “So how’d you do?”
                Jared doesn’t look at him. “I, uh…”
                “Did you seriously fail again? After all the tutoring?”
                “I didn’t fail, I got another 70,” Jared says, defensively. “I
mean, it’s better than before.”
                “Padalecki, straight 70’s aren’t gonna cut it if you wanna keep
playing lacrosse.”
                “I’m sorry, I meant to spend more time on it, I just—” Jared
sighs.
                “Don’t apologize to me, it’s yourgrade,” Jensen says. “I
thought you said you were doing better.”
                “I was, I just got distracted with the athletic proposals and
all the stuff for Dinwiddie and—”
                Just then, Dr. Morgan raises his voice over the racket of
students stuffing their papers into their bags.
“Jensen, can I talk to you after class?”
“Uh, yeah,” Jensen says, moving to get out of the way of the herd of students
making for the door as the bell rings.
“So you coming to my practice today?” Jared asks in a low voice.
“Wha?”
“My last practice,” Jared says. “Before I’m ineligible?”
“Oh, yeah. I guess,” Jensen blinks. “When is that again?”
Jared rolls his eyes and starts towards the door. “I’ll see you at five.”
“Yeah, see ya,” Jensen says to Jared’s back.
Morgan waits until the room is empty to start talking. Jensen’s clicking his
pen nervously, kicking himself every time he does it but still unable to stop.
“How’re your classes going?” Morgan asks as he sits behind his desk, gesturing
for Jensen to take the chair on the other side of it.
“Uh, fine,” Jensen says. “Just a lot of work. Not that I can’t do it,” he says.
“Just… you know.”
“I’ve heard that about this school,” Morgan says with a wry smile. “Something
about it being a little bit tough.”
Jensen smiles nervously.
“The reason I had you hang back is that I’ve just got a quick question for
you,” Morgan explains, his eyes flicking back to this computer screen. “As long
as you don’t mind watching me struggle with online grading for a minute.”
“I could probably help you with that. I’m good with computers.”
 “That’s exactly why I wanted to talk to you. What would you say to doing some
teacher aid work for me next semester?”
Jensen flashes back on the scene from his dream, leaning over at the blackboard
with Dr. Morgan behind him and his voice in Jensen’s ear.
He flushes.
“Uh, yeah. That’d be awesome, if you want me. To work for you, I mean,” he
corrects hastily.
Morgan gives him a half-smile that just about has Jensen hard in his khakis.
“You can start by coming over here and helping me with this damn thing,” he
says.
Jensen swallows and comes around to Morgan’s side of the desk.
 Morgan wasn’t lying about the being terrible with computers thing. He types
slow, practically one character every three seconds. Jensen can’t help but see
his password to the school’s mainframe system.
“What do I click now?”
“That one,” Jensen says, gesturing at the screen.
“Ah, okay.”
He brings up the grading software and Jensen’s eyes sweep over it before Morgan
can open a new window.
“I wanted to post an online assignment using this program, but I don’t really
understand it. Could you show me at least how to get started?”
“Yeah, sure.” Jensen leans in closer, trying not to inhale too much of Morgan’s
smooth aftershave.
He opens the “Assignments” tab. The next three tests for Calc are there
already.
                “You just have to click here, sir…”
                *****
                “I don’t know why the hell he invited me if he’s just gonna
trip over himself every five seconds staring at Cortese,” Jensen mutters to
Sophia.
                “Ooh, Jenny, I didn’t know you were the jealous type.”
                “Shut up,” Jensen gripes while Sophia laughs.
Genevieve and her friend Katie Cassidy are sitting a few rows in front of them
with their heads together. Katie says something to Genevieve that makes her
shove Katie playfully, laughing and shaking her head.
                Jared chooses that moment to look up at the stands. He waves in
their direction, grinning and Katie giggles harder, elbowing Genevieve in the
ribs.
                Jensen would like to elbow both of them in the face, but he
turns his attention back to Misha’s screen.
“How’s that pipeline going?”
Misha brought his laptop out to the bleachers, and every time Jensen feels
Jared looking up at him instead of Genevieve, he keeps his eyes on the screen.
                “Its construction is progressing faster than I’d like,” Misha
says. “But we have time to stall it.”
                “‘We’ nothing, this one’s on you, man.”
                “I keep forgetting that you actually think working for the U.S.
government is some kind of achievement,” Misha mutters.
                “Hey,” says a voice from above them, a shadow falling over
Jensen, Misha, and Sohpia.
                Danneel Harris sits next to Sophia, making herself right at
home.
                Jensen’s never really spoken to her before now. He knows she’s
a jock, that she’s popular and a bit of a bitch but so far, he’s kinda liking
it.
                 She glances over at Misha’s laptop, brow furrowed with
curiosity. She doesn’t make any dismissive comments and she rises a couple of
notches in Jensen’s book.
                “What’s all that?” she asks.
                “Misha and his whacko, treehugger friends are just planning a
little friendly terrorism against the government, you know, no big,” Jensen
says wryly.
                Tom’s looking over at them from the field, now, too, and Jensen
is extra careful in keeping his eyes away from Jared.
                “Can’t you guys get caught doing that?” Danneel says, taken
aback.
                “No,” says Misha, as though the concept of getting caught is a
completely new subject for him. 
                “Well, yeah,” Jensen says. “But that’s not always a bad thing.
Lots of people get jobs in the government from it.”
                “Why?” Danneel asks, surprised.
                “It’s like a ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’ sort of deal.
They need the best hackers they can get, and even so, they’re not likely to
catch allof them. Like Mish, here.”
                “What about you?”
                “It works for me, ‘cause I’d lovea cushy government job and I’m
not as good as he is, so I’m more likely to trip their systems,” Jensen says.
“You really want someone leaning over your shoulder and watching everything you
do?” Misha asks, his fingers flying over the keys.
                Jensen’s never really thought about it like that. “If I’m
employedby them, what’re they gonna do? They won’t even know how to stop me.”
                “If you’re good enough you won’t have to even pretend to be
their stooge,” Misha counters.
                Misha’s a cool guy and all, but sometimes he gets a little too
conspiracy theory for Jensen. The only way the government would ever catch
Misha would be if he wanted them to. Their hackers are good, but they’ve got a
lot of red tape Misha never has to worry about. There’s no protocol when you’re
working solo.
                “Hey, Ackles!”
                Jensen’s shoulders go stiff and he freezes.
                “Is he seriously calling you over right now?” Sophia snorts.
                Jensen shushes her and acts as though he’s still deep in
conversation with Misha.
                “So, uh, Mish, what were you saying about the firewall?”
                Misha blinks. “You know how to bypass it. An idiot could do
that.”
                “Yeah, but, I’m out of practice and—”
                “Ackles!”
               Jensen allows his gaze to flick away from Misha for a fraction
of a second. Half of Jared’s teammates are looking at him. Jared’s frowning,
his shoulders drawn tight as he shoves his water bottle into his bag.
                Jensen’s ears are burning with embarrassment but he’s not going
to trot over to Jared like a dog on command. Not after Jared invited him here
for no reason.
                “Well, I gotta get going,” Jensen says hastily, wrapping his
headphones around his iPod and jumping down off the bleachers. “See ya.”
                He makes it about twenty yards before Jared starts calling his
name again. He quickens his pace but he hears Jared yell, “Fucking stop,okay?”
                Jensen does, mostly because he knows he doesn’t have a
snowball’s chance of outrunning Jared Padalecki and sprinting all the way back
to his dorm would be sort of humiliating.
                He whirls around with his shoulders squared.
                “What?”He says.
                “I thought we were gonna like, hang out or something,” Jared
pants, head tilted to the side. He’s really sweaty and Jensen can’t help
thinking it’s shame he won’t be able to wear the school’s lacrosse uniform much
longer. It suits him.
“That depends. You gonna tell me what the fuck that was?” Jensen hisses.
“What?”
“You acted like you didn’t even fucking knowme.”
Jared blinks.
“Iacted like I didn’t know you?You do remember when you blatantly ignored me
trying to call you over, right?”
“Only cause you were so busy drooling over Cortese—”
“Gimme a break, Jensen.”
“Whatever,” Jensen spits. “I don’t know why I’m even wasting my time. Obviously
I’m not cool enough to hang out with you and your little buddies.”
                “Why are you acting like this?” Jared asks with his hands
outstretched. “I askedyou to come to this. I wanted you here.”
                Oh, yeah. There’s that. Jensen had sort of forgotten about that
detail in the face of his petty little bitchfit over Genevieve. 
“Because I don’t—I don’t know how to do this,” Jensen exhales. “I’m not used to
playing cheerleader.”
“Well this isn’t the right way, I can fucking tell you,” Jared says. He lowers
his arms, his forehead creased in a disarming display of weariness. “And you’re
not my cheerleader,asshole.”
Jensen reaches out and catches Jared’s hand just as he’s about to walk away.
“Wait.”
“Wait?” Jared repeats.
“I’m… I—don’t walk away.”
Jared hesitates. He smirks. “Here I was thinking you might actually apologize.”
“Do you want me to?”
“I probably wouldn’t believe you if you did.”
“Okay, so I won’t.”
Jared just looks at him. “You should leave.”
“Why?” Jensen asks, bewildered. He’d been sure that Jared would laugh the whole
thing off.
“’Cause I kinda hate you right now and it’s getting me hot,” Jared sighs,
biting the inside of his cheek.
Jensen smiles.
They end up under the bleachers and Jensen makes up for being an asshole the
best way he knows how— with his hand down the front of Jared’s lacrosse shorts.
Jared comes, laughing with his eyes screwed shut.
“You’re… a fucking psychopath,” he pants, grinning and opening one eye to look
at Jensen.
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
Jared sits up, his face flushed and his sweaty hair disheveled. The smell of
his body washes over Jensen in a wave—pungent sweat and come and soap.
Before he knows it, Jared’s pressing him down flat in the grass.
“What’re you—?” Jensen squirms.
“Returning the favor,” Jared grunts. “If you try to back out this time I swear
to God—”
But Jensen doesn’t get a chance to, because a second later his ass is bare on
the grass and Jared’s mouth is on his dick and God damn.
“S-slow down,” Jensen whines, his voice cracking when Jared’s tongue swipes the
underside of his cock. “Jesus, c’mon, Jay—”
He tries to shove Jared back by the shoulders and when that doesn’t work, he
grabs a handful of Jared’s hair to pull him back, but that’s when he starts to
feel Jared swallowing him down, muscling past his gag reflex and getting Jensen
disgustingly-yet-awesomely dripping wet with saliva.
“God, fuck, Jared—”
Jared opens his eyes for a moment just to shoot him an annoyed glance before he
gets his fist wrapped around the base of Jensen’s dick.
Jensen accidentally tugs harder on Jared’s hair and Jared’s jaw slackens for a
second and he groanslike Jensen’s doing him some big favor. Intrigued, Jensen
keeps his fingers buried in Jared’s hair and presses his head down between his
thighs.
It occurs to Jensen that this is probably the first time Jared’s ever done
this, but hell if he can tell.  Jared’s going at it with everything he’s got,
cheeks hollowed and taking him as deep as he can and Jensen can only watch,
helpless, pulling Jared’s hair to guide him up and down his cock.
Jensen isn’t packing the heat Jared is which is probably better for a first-
timer. Jared doesn’t seem to care one way or the other. He gags a little when
he tries to swallow him down more but it only makes him determined.
Jensen lets go of Jared’s hair and gathers fistfuls of grass under him, trying
to squirm away from Jared’s mouth because there is absolutely no way he can
handle this.
Jared uses his left arm to pin Jensen in place, and suddenly he’s not sucking
him off anymore but straddling him. He’s not hard but he’s grinding up against
Jensen anyways, and Jensen’s cock is caught between their stomachs and it’s a
special mix of heaven and pure fucking torture.
“C’mon, Ackles,” Jared breathes, his eyes glimmering with heat.
Jensen’s own eyes refuse to stay open for more than two seconds more and he’s
biting down on his lower lip—hard—hard enough to hurt.
“Here,” Jared murmurs, and a second later his fingertips brush the dry skin of
Jensen’s lips. Grateful, Jensen opens up and lets his tongue work Jared’s
fingers while Jared whispers to him.
“You’re so close, come on, just let it, just fucking come—”
Jensen’s back is arching off the ground, his sweating body pasted to Jared’s
wherever their skin touches, the late autumn heat enveloping them.
His entire body tenses and he’s trying to hold it in but that’s it—
He comes on Jared’s lacrosse shorts. And not just a little, either. He rubs up
against Jared all the way through it, trying desperately to get closer and
somehow pull away at the same time.
“Aw, Ackles,” Jared groans.
“S-sorry.”
“Christ, that’s like…” Jared glances down at the mess. “Fuck, if I’d known you
were gonna spunk this much maybe I wouldn’t have tried so hard.”
Jensen’s not too tired to be embarrassed, but he can’t think of any witty
retorts so he just lies back down with his chest heaving. He pulls his boxers
and pants back up and doesn’t move, doesn’t think he’ll be able to for at least
an hour.
In his defense, before Jared it’d been a long time since he’d gotten any kind
of action that wasn’t his own hand.
He glances over at Jared, who’s leaning against the metal supports of the
bleachers.
“Why are you doing this?” Jensen asks before he can stop himself.
Jared takes a deep breath and shrugs.
“’Cause it’s kinda fun to watch you lose your shit for a change. Besides,
orgasms make everyone happy and it keeps you from bitching at me.”
Jensen scowls.
“Because I like it,” Jared says. “It’s different. It’s a… I dunno, a
challenge.”
“A challenge?” Jensen repeats, sitting up.
“That’s not—” Jared cringes. “That came out wrong. I just meant, I like this. I
like, um, being around you and stuff, I guess. You’re different.”
“You mean I’m different because I have a dick and I like guys.”
“Well there’s that,” Jared says. “And then there’s your sparkling personality.”
Jensen’s not sure if he’s satisfied with the answer but senses it’s the best
he’s going to get.
Jared gets to his feet and drops his shorts, wadding them up in a ball and
shoving them into his bag before slipping into a fresh pair of track pants.
“Are you… gonna keep those?” Jensen asks.
“I only have one pair,” Jared says defensively. “They’re expensive.”
Jensen blinks. That means every time Jared goes out on the field from now on,
he’ll be wearing shorts Jensen came on.
He’s not sure if he should laugh, offer to buy him a new pair, or just accept
it.
Jared clears his throat. “Do you wanna, uh, go for a walk or something? I mean,
it’s so nice out.”
“Not sure if I canwalk,” Jensen mumbles.
“I know I rocked your world and all,” Jared grins. “But I think you can manage
it.”
Jared reaches down to help him up and Jensen accepts his hand with a grunt.
“Don’t strain yourself,” Jared says.
“Shut up.”
They walk off the field then set off down the sidewalk towards campus together,
knocking shoulders and elbows every so often when one of them gets too
distracted to actually focus on walking.
They don’t talk much and Jensen finds himself watching the way Jared’s big hand
swings at his side. He wouldn’t mind locking their fingers together, just to
know how it’d feel, but hell if he’s gonna be the one to do it.
It’s the last blaze of heat before fall really sets in, an Indian summer that
has him sweating in his uniform. Jensen undoes the top few buttons of his shirt
and stows his tie in his bag, trying to ignore the way Jared watches him.
They stroll past the pond, avoiding the goose shit and make their way to the
sycamores outside the main academic building.
Eldridge is in a suburb, but it’s fairly wooded and beautiful pretty much all
year round. It’s situated in a valley and the campus covers a sizable chunk of
land. In the summer, it’s vivid green and smells like hay from the farm behind
it, the last standing in the face of all the suburban development.
Fall brings shades of orange and gold to the slim, decorative maple trees
planted around the parking lot and the residence halls. Today, the sun shines
through the leaves, setting them alight in shades of fiery, smooth red and
yellow.
“So, how long have you been playing lacrosse?” Jensen asks, breaking the
silence between them.
“Not that long. I picked it up when I was a freshman. I couldn’t decide whether
to keep going with football or try something else. I like soccer and baseball,
too, but I can’t fit them all or keep up my grades.”
“Must be hard to balance all that with school and student council.”
“Well, you’ve seen my grades,” Jared says.
Jensen nods.
“It’s just hard here, I guess,” Jared continues. “I know I should go to public
school where it’s not as big of a deal, but my parents want me here. They want
the best for me.”
“And what do you want?” Jensen asks.
He’d never imagined that Jared wasn’t happy here. He had the entire school
wrapped around his finger, after all, and he barely had to put in effort to
stay.
Jared shrugs. “All I know is that I feel best when I’m out on the field. People
here are just… they think school’s everything.”
Jensen glances at him, but Jared misses it.
“I mean, there’s only so much school can teach you, and so much of it I’m just
gonna forget anyways. I wouldn’t even bother at all if I didn’t want to get
into college.”
“Yeah, but there’s stuff you like here,” Jensen points out.
“Yeah, English with Dinwiddie is pretty good. And I dunno where I’d be without
Coach Pellegrino backing me up.”
“What about student council and all that?”
“It makes me feel like I’m doing something worthwhile. I can speak up about the
stuff everyone else is too shy to mention. I like being able to help the team
out.”
“That’s awfully wholesome of you,” Jensen says, smirking.
“I like the attention, too.”
Jensen laughs in spite of himself. “Knew there was more to it.”
But more and more, Jensen’s finding he doesn’t mind that part of Jared either.
“How ‘bout you? How’d you end up here?”
Jensen hesitates for a moment.
“Parents split when I was a kid,” he says. “Mom came northeast, Dad stayed
south.”
“What’s she do?”
“Pretty much everything. Hospital work, research, teaching, chauffeuring my
sister.”
“Research?” Jared asks.
They’re approaching Jensen’s dorm. The lawn outside is dotted with blue coated
students sitting in circles with their friends, laughing and enjoying the last
of the heat.
Jensen suddenly becomes intensely aware of how he must look standing next to
Jared. Already a few eyes dart in their direction, whispers passing behind
hands as sniggering girls cast appraising glances at Jared.
“Um, yeah. Medical, mostly. She knows her stuff.”
“Guess that runs in the family,” Jared says, ignoring the girls.
Jensen tries to do the same, but he puts some distance between his body and
Jared’s all the same.
“I’m not half as smart or put together as she is.” Jensen keeps his eyes
trained on the front door of his dorm. “She did all that andraised three kids
on her own.”
“My mom mostly dumped us on other families,” Jared says, but he doesn’t sound
bitter. “She was always busy with my sister’s horseback riding competitions and
my grandpa’s fundraisers.”
“Sorry,” Jensen offers. He doesn’t know what else to say. He’s not exactly an
expert in talking about absentee parents even after twelve years of not having
a father.
“It wasn’t bad,” Jared shrugs. “Tommy Henderson had a Playstation way before we
did so I didn’t mind. I joined so many after school clubs I barely even noticed
anyways. That’s how I got accepted here.”
That, and money.He thinks it before he can stop himself but at least he didn’t
say it out loud this time.
They start to slow down when they reach the steps.
“So,” Jared says, turning to look at Jensen.
“So,” Jensen repeats, feeling his pulse jump a little.
This is the part where he’s supposed to brush Jared off, maybe send him on his
way with a few sharp words so he doesn’t get the wrong idea.
But even Jensen’s not sure what the wrong idea is anymore.
“I’ve got some work I’ve gotta take care of,” Jensen mumbles.
“Yeah,” Jared nods but doesn’t move right away.
He reaches forward, then seems to think better of it. His fingers brush
Jensen’s forearm in farewell and he’s off, walking back down the hill.
Jensen blinks and looks down at his arm, bemused.
                *****
                Jared shows up at his dorm randomly on a Thursday night after
practice.
                Jensen was wading through the pile of European History terms he
had to memorize when Jared knocked. He’d practically burst through the door,
obviously tense and pissed off. He smelled like sweat and had grass stains on
his knees, having come straight from the field.
                “We had a scrimmage today against Hearst, and we just fucking
blewit. The kid they have replacing me is a freshman and he sucks.”
                “Sorry to hear,” Jensen says, putting another notecard into his
completed stack of terms and pushing his glasses up his nose.
                “Like, I don’t get why I still have to come even though I’m
ineligible. It’s just adding insult to injury. All I get to do is drills and
then I just have to sit on the bench with my thumb up my ass. I hate not being
able to play enough without seeing the jackass they replaced me with.”
                Jensen nods, eyes still on his notecards.
                Jared flaps his t-shirt off his body, trying to cool off.
“Sorry, I just realized how bad I reek.”
                “Yeah,” Jensen says, wrinkling his nose. “Kinda.”
                “Can I use your shower?”
                “I guess so.”
                “Thanks.”
                Jensen gets a few more cards done while he listens to the
patter of the water, but his mind is already drifting from history.
                When Jared’s done, he comes out to grab his bag with nothing
but a towel wrapped low on his waist. Jensen can see where his tan lines begin
on his stomach.  
                “Padalecki, I said you could use my shower, not parade around
my room like it’s yours.”
                “Sorry, I know it’s distracting,” Jared grins, pulling a red t-
shirt on. He drops the towel when Jensen averts his eyes, rustling around in
his bag.  
                “Yeah right,” Jensen snorts. But it really is.
                He glances back at Jared, who’s now wearing a pair of baggy
shorts.
                “How long you been doing that?” Jared asks, pointing at the
stack of notecards.
                “Couple hours,” Jensen says. “This test is like thirty-five
percent of my grade.”
                Jared pads over to where Jensen’s sitting on the bed. He
reaches for a mint from the dish on Jensen’s desk, unwraps it, and holds it up
to Jensen’s lips. Jensen’s eyes narrow.
“You need to calm down,” Jared tells him. “You’re freaking.”
Jensen takes the candy from Jared’s fingers with his mouth. Brooding, he sucks
on the mint and tries to take a deep breath through his nose. He doesn’t like
that he’s become so predictable to Padalecki.
“Yeah, I’m freaking. I’ve been working on these for like a week and I still
can’t remember jack squat.”
Jared sits on the side of the bed, a couple inches away from Jensen.
“Don’t you ever shut off? Why don’t you do something for yourself for once?”
Jared asks.
“I can’t. I have too much to do.”
“Seriously. You need to relax or you’re gonna have a stroke. Your eyes are all
red.”
Jared reaches out, putting a hand on his shoulder and Jensen flinches away from
it before he can stop himself. He’s tightly wound and doesn’t feel like being
apologetic tonight. He has work to do.
“Don’t. I can’t.”
“Hey, it’s cool,” Jared says, holding his hands up. “Nothing has to happen. I
can leave.”
Jensen rakes a hand through his hair and it’s sticking up at all angles but he
can’t bring himself to care very much.
“No, I… I just…” he flounders.
“Are you trying to ask me to stay?”
Jensen bites his lip and nods. “I guess.”
“I can, if you want.”
“You’ve got stuff to do, too.”
Jared hesitates. “Yeah, but—”
Jensen shakes his head. “I don’t want things to get more fucked up for you.”
Jared laughs. “It’d be a neat trick if they couldget more fucked up. Seriously
Ackles, what you do you want me to do?”
He sprawls out on the bed and Jensen moves to make room for him, tentative. He
rubs his eyes and shrugs at Jared. He just wishes his monster headache would
let up.
Jared scoots in closer, warm against his thigh.
“Tell you what. I need a nap, so I’ll stick around ‘til you kick me out. How’s
that?”
“Okay,” Jensen croaks. He really should have more balls. It wouldn’t kill him
to just ask for a favor. Still, at least now he has a nice lap warmer.
Jensen gets back to making note cards, his left hand tangling absently in
Jared’s hair. He smells like shampoo and Jensen’s citrus body wash. Jared
whuffs appreciatively and he’s snoring about two seconds later.
It sucks that he’s not going to be able to play for a while and not only that,
Jensen’s not going to have nearly enough time to tutor him.
He glances down at the boy sleeping open-mouthed against his leg. Jared has
faint shadows under his eyes and Jensen thinks back on the way he’d practically
pulled his own hair out talking about watching the scrimmage from the sidelines
and Jensen has an idea.
He boots up his laptop and pulls up the school’s mainframe. He types in the
username and password he saw hanging back after class. He doesn’t have to hack
a thing.
It’s a betrayal of Morgan’s trust, but it’s hard to feel bad when it’s so damn
easy.
*****
The following week, Jensen hangs back outside the door of Morgan’s classroom,
waiting for Jared.
“How’d it go?” Jensen asks as soon as Jared comes through the door.
Jared’s face is contorted in a mixture of disbelief and anger.
“See? I told you you’d do well if you just studied that sheet I made for you
extra hard.”
His paper is marked with a large “91” in the top corner.
“The test was exactly what you tutored me on, Ackles.”
Jensen raises his eyebrows. “Yeah, how ‘bout that? Guess you have the world’s
best Calc tutor after all.”
Jared looks at him, his lips pursed.
“Did you… did you do something to get the test beforehand?”
“No. I just asked Morgan what kind of stuff was gonna be on it.”
“Ackles, there’s no way you happenedto guess the exact equations he was going
to use.”
Jensen shrugs. “I mean, if you paid attention in class, some of the problems
were taken from the lectures.”
“I dopay attention,” Jared snarls. “Stop bullshitting me and tell the truth.”
“Why? What do you care?” Jensen snaps back. “You passed. Hell, you did great.”
Jared opens his mouth to speak but hesitates.
“I just… you shouldn’t do this. It’s against the school Honor Code and you know
how seriously they take that shit.”
“I’m not doinganything,” Jensen says. “Now go back to your room and get ready
to sit on the bench. This might even get you eligible again if you keep it up.”
                Jared looks like he might protest but grabs his bag.
Jensen waits until he’s gone before he rubs his eyes and yawns.
*****
Running late for the second time that semester, Jensen makes the climb up the
hill from his dorm towards the gym when the morning sunlight falls on a silvery
glint in the corner of his eye. His jaw drops.
                Tom’s Audi convertible is parked in the center of The Circle,
top down and coveredin geese. The birds are honking contentedly, preening and
picking at the seats.
                Jensen changes direction and jogs over to the car. Someone’s
sprinkled the interior with pieces of corn chips and a particularly long-necked
bird hisses when Jensen gets too close.
                “Chill, they’re all yours,” he tells it, scooping a handful of
the chips from the grass and tossing it to the goose. It quiets down and
gobbles them greedily.
                Today is a fucking beautiful day.
                *****
               
                Jensen isn’t able to talk to Jared until they’re in Dinwiddie’s
class, sitting together in the back of the room.
                Tom’s not there, presumably still trying to vacuum the chips
off the leather seats of his car.
                “You stole his car?”Jensen blurts as soon as Dinwiddie has her
back to them.
                “Nope, didn’t have to. Just got a bunch of the guys to help me
carry it,” Jared grins. “Everyone thinks it’s a big joke. Best part is Tom
can’t do anything about it.”
                “How come?”
                “’Cause he was at a party last night off campus that got
busted. He can’t say anything without violating the Honor Code. Lots of kids
got caught at that party and he was out past curfew without an alibi.”
Jensen grins. “That’s pretty slick, Padalecki.”
“I try,” Jared shrugs, obviously pleased with himself.
“Are the guys gonna keep their mouths shut?”
“You’ve obviously never been part of a team before. They’re gonna love watching
Tom flip out too much to come clean and just tell him who did it.”
When class ends, the bell rings and everyone makes for the door at once.
Once they’re out in hall, Jensen nearly collides with Tom for a second time.
Tom glares at Jared for a second, opens his mouth and closes it, then shoulders
past them, almost knocking Jensen off his feet.
“Oh, look, if it isn’t Dick and Jane,” Tom sneers as he passes.
Jared scoffs but doesn’t say anything to Tom. Instead, he turns to Jensen.
                “I’m Dick.”
                “Yeah, you’re a dick if I’ve ever seen one,” Jensen says.
                “I have heard you see a lot of ‘em.”
                “Fuck off,” Jensen scowls but his lips twitch from holding back
laughter.
                “Whatever, Jane.”
                Jensen shoves him into a row of lockers and Jared grins,
throwing an arm around his neck and putting him in a headlock and dragging him
down the hallway.
                “Get off me, Padalecki,” he growls, scrabbling to get a hold on
Jared’s uniform jacket. 
                “That a command?” Jared purrs into his ear. The clean scent of
his deodorant tickles Jensen’s nose.
“Yeah, actually,” Jensen says, breaking free from Jared’s grip and trying to
ignore the rush of his blood.
“I’ll see you tonight,” Jared says, still smiling.
“Will you?” Jensen asks.
“It’s Halloween,” Jared says incredulously. “EldridgeHalloween.”
“I don’t do Halloween.”
“You will.” Jared shoulders his backpack and gives him a parting grin. “See
ya.”
*****
                Jared’s prediction turns out to be true.
The Halloween dance is only a warm-up for what everyone knows is coming next.
The staff are probably aware too, but as long as they don’t catch anyone
drinking in the dorms they’re content to turn their heads the other way while
Eldridge students break curfew en masse.
                None of the parents of Eldridge students are interested in what
they get up to, anyways, as long as they get good grades and don’t make any
permanent record grade mistakes that reflect badly on Mommy and Daddy.
                This is the first year Jensen’s participated in the
festivities, though he couldn’t tear himself away from his (and Jared’s) Calc
homework long enough to buy a costume for the dance. He couldn’t be bothered.
                So, needless to say, he’d been mortified when Sophia dragged
him back to her dorm to get ready for the realHalloween celebrations off-campus
and showed him the matching Batman and Robin costumes they were going to be
wearing.
                “It’s costume only,Jenny. Don’t be such a downer.”
                “But I—” Jensen splutters, trying to fend off her advances with
a pair of extremely spandex-y tights.
                “Everyone’sgonna be dressed up. You won’t even get in the door
if you’re not.”
                Jensen spends what must be at least half an hour struggling
with layer upon layer of spandex in Sophia’s bathroom and even after all that
he’s not entirely sure everything is in the right place. He adjusts himself
through his tights, grumbling, and steps out with the tips of his ears already
going red. He’s a fantastic friend for putting up with this shit.
                Sophia takes in his costume and covers her mouth.
“Jesus, Jen, you look hot.Very boy wonder.”
“I look like a little kid. Or a stripper. Or a little kid stripper, I dunno,”
Jensen grumbles at his reflection in the mirror. “Do I have to do the Speedo
thing over the tights? I’m worried about my balls falling off.”
“It’s true to character,” she shrugs.
The bottom of Sophia’s costume is like, a million times sexier than Jensen’s
since it’s a short pleather skirt and instead of tights she’s got on fishnets
and killer heels. All verytrue to character.
“I still don’t see why I have to be Robin,” Jensen whines.
“Because A, we both know I could kick your ass, and B, Robin was definitely
gay.”
Jensen has to admit she looks great.
                The house is a decent walk and Jensen ends up holding Sophia’s
heels until they find the place. True to what she said, it’s costume only and
they actually have a guy dressed as Luigi checking at the front door.
                He gives them a conspiratorial nod and opens up, his bushy
mustache twitching on his lip. A wave of heat and the smell of cheap vodka and
loud hip hop envelopes Jensen as he’s whisked inside.
Sophia leads the way through the crowd, squeezing between their own wasted
classmates and a bunch of college kids. It’s kind of funny to watch heads, both
male and female, turn to watch the sexiest Batman high school has ever seen
make her entrance. Jensen, meanwhile, trails in her wake, blushing scarlet
under his mask.
                A haze of smoke hangs heavy in the air, mostly coming from a
group of guys who look to be college aged. Two of them have Eldridge girls in
their laps, both dressed as some kind of “sexy” animal. Eldridge kids are
usually able to pass as older, probably because of the way they all carry
themselves like adults already.
                Still, this is a side of their school Jensen knows nothing
about. Sure he’s been to parties, but not like this. Sophia’s told him stories;
he’s never seen it up close. Everyone’s drinking out of the ever-present red
Solo cups, trying their best to live up to every teenage stereotype Jensen’s
seen on TV. The music’s loud but no one’s really dancing since there’s too many
people crowded into the house.
                There’s a table set up for what Jensen assumes must be beer
pong and several older guys are howling themselves hoarse around it. A line of
people snakes through the living room, all waiting for their chance at the keg.
In the corner of the room, Chad’s smoking a bowl, giggling at something
Lafferty’s saying. They’re sitting wedged into an armchair that’s obviously not
meant for two, let alone two tall, athletic teenage boys.
                Sophia jumps the keg line and comes back with two cups of cold
beer, pressing one into Jensen’s hand.
                “There. Now you can loosen up.”
                “I’m plenty loose,” Jensen grumbles, flinching as a shrieking
girl staggers drunkenly into him.
                “Sorry,” she giggles, slopping her own beer over herself as she
rushes off to catch up to her friend dressed as a “Sexy Giraffe,” a costume
Jensen finds sort of mindboggling.
                “I mean, I’m all for having costume options, but this is
getting—” Jensen stops midsentence when he realizes Sophia’s nowhere to be
found.
                He scowls and searches the room, but it’s impossible to spot
her in the shouting crowd.
                “Hey,” a voice says in Jensen’s ear, a warm body pressing up
against his side.
                He doesn’t have to look to know it’s Jared.
He noses at Jensen’s throat, his mouth tantalizingly close to his jaw. Jared
obviously didn’t make too much of an effort with his costume either. He’s
dressed in a striped shirt and makeup as some kind of undead referee.
Jensen turns to face him, an eyebrow raised.
                “Wanna blow my whistle?” Jared asks, wiggling his eyebrows.
                “Please,” Jensen snorts and rolls his eyes. “Excuse me while I
hurl.”
He notices that Jared’s pupils are blown and his eyes wide.
“What’re you on?” Jensen murmurs, standing on tiptoe so he can reach Jared’s
ear.
                “’M just rolling. No big.”
                Jensen nods and sips from his cup. He should’ve figured. These
kids could all afford whatever kind of drugs were on special tonight. Plus,
with Jared off his sports teams he has no reason to abstain.
                “You wanna?” Jared smiles extra big, and for a second, Jensen
almost wishes he could ‘cause it looks like a hell of a lot of fun.
“I’m okay. Gonna get another drink and try to find Soph.”
                Jared nods and squeezes his elbow. Jensen’s grateful that he
doesn’t press the issue. It’s not that he’s afraid. Well, maybe a little.
Mostly it goes against his self-discipline. Drinking’s enough for him, and
besides, there’s that whole government lie detector test thing to worry about,
and it’d be pretty stupid of him to blow a chance for a great job just because
he was offered Molly in high school.
                Jensen weaves his way through the crowd, wrinkling his nose
against the reek of alcohol and joining the line at the keg. He has to wait
about twenty minutes, shifting his weight awkwardly from one foot to the other,
trying to find Sophia when he notices a high-heeled Batman lining up a row of
shots on the pool table in the living room. Danneel Harris is on the opposite
side of the table, knocking back the first of her row to cheers, grinning at
Sophia. Genevieve Cortese is pressed up against Danneel, giggling and holding
on to her with one arm wrapped around her waist.
                Sophia salutes the two of them with the first of her shots then
downs it easily before moving directly to the second. Jensen smiles and shakes
his head, stepping up to the keg so a guy dressed as Darth Maul can pour him
another cupful of watered down beer.
                Jensen turns away, sipping the foam from the top of his beer
and nearly collides with Jared, who’s holding a shot glass in either hand.
                “Found you,” he grins, passing over one of the shots. “Happy
Halloween.”
                Jensen stares at the blue liquid in his shot doubtfully. “You
first.”
                “As you wish,” Jared says, downing the shot with a flourish and
making a big show of savoring it. “Delicious, awful mystery booze.”
                Jensen takes a deep breath and follows suit, trying not to gag
when it burns down his throat. “Shit, that’s foul.”
                Jared shrugs. “Take what you can get, eh?”
                Jensen shakes his head again and laughs. He’s already a little
buzzed and the bass from the stereo thumps pleasantly.
 “So I thought you’d be one of those killjoys who’re too cool for Halloween,”
Jared says. He’s still pretty with it considering he’s high, but his eyes
wander around the room a lot and he’s smiling vaguely.
                “I am. But Sophia wasn’t having it.”
                “Ah. Then I know who to thank,” Jared replies, his eyes
dropping down to cruise Jensen’s tights for the sixth time.
                Jensen’s face is hot under his mask. Someday he’ll get used to
Jared’s advances. Maybe. Not any time soon. Jared nuzzles Jensen’s neck again,
not seeming to mind that they’re in a room full of their classmates.
                They’ve never been this public. Does that mean he’s…? That
they’re a…? Thing?
Jensen’s stomach wobbles. That’s not really a question he planned on answering
any time soon. Or ever.
It’s actually a relief when he feels Jared press into his side and he’s already
half-hard. He’s horny and Jensen’s convenient and that makes sense at least.
“Ackles, you should know, your ass looks incredible in tights.”
The way Jared’s breath tickles his skin is giving Jensen more than a few ideas.
“Shattap. People are staring.”
“Let them stare,” Jared shrugs. He starts tugging at Jensen’s hand. “C’mon,
let’s go upstairs.”
“I’m not fucking you while you’re high, Padalecki,” Jensen laughs and swats
Jared’s hand away. He reaches under Jensen’s cape and squeezes his ass instead,
pressing Jensen closer to him.
“Who said anything about fucking?” He smiles. “There’re other ways to pass the
time.”
Jared’s long fingers start kneading at his ass cheek which is equally bizarre
and pleasant. “At least come outside with me, then.”
Jensen lets himself be led by the hand, trying not to feel too smug about how
the hottest guy in the room is parading him around in front of their peers.
This place would be great for summer parties. It’s got an in-ground pool and a
volleyball net set up in the lawn. Tonight it’s empty due to the fact that it’s
fucking coldand everyone with good sense is crowded in the sweltering kitchen.
Jensen’s skin erupts with goose bumps under his spandex. Jared must be too high
(or drunk) to tell that he’s dragged him into the Arctic Circle.
“Here,” Jared proclaims. He sits cross legged by the pool and smiles up at
Jensen. There’s none of the cocky taunting Jensen’s used to, just genuine,
Molly-fuelled contentment. He pats the sandstone next to him.
“’S freezing,” Jensen’s teeth are chattering.
Jared pats the stone again, insisting.
Jensen sighs and gets down on the ground next to him. Jared immediately
stretches out and puts his head in Jensen’s lap, long hair fanning out around
his face. He closes his eyes.
Jensen rolls his eyes even if Jared can’t see it. He dips his left hand into
the pool out of curiosity and figures out that it’s heated.
“Lift your head for a sec,” Jensen tells Jared. Jared grumbles but obeys so
Jensen can roll up his horrible green tights.
“I thought Robin wore that little Speedo thing,” Jared mumbles.
“I’ve got it on over the tights. In case you haven’t noticed it’s kinda
freezing.”
Jared giggles and puts his head back in Jensen’s lap once he’s got his legs
into the warm pool water.
They sit in silence for a while before Jensen’s hand finds its way to Jared’s
hair. He’s not sure why he does it, just that it looks really soft and he wants
something to do with his hands. He starts weaving his fingers in and out,
fingernails barely scratching Jared’s scalp.
Jared actually groans out loud.
“That feel good?” Jensen chuckles.
“You’ve got, ah, no idea,” Jared moans. “That’d feel good if I wasn’t, mmm,
rolling but now—”
“Yeah, touching’s supposed to feel better isn’t it?”
He’ll take the way Jared goes boneless when Jensen’s fingers brush his cheek as
a ‘yes.’
Jared’s eyelids peel back slowly and Jensen watches him come back to earth.
“Wanna kiss you,” he mumbles.
Jensen’s amazed that he can blush after everything he’s done with Jared. But
blush he does. Jensen’s done some kissing, mostly while he was drunk; kids from
other schools at Eldridge parties he knew he wouldn’t see again. He actually
only ever kissed Chris the same day he lost his virginity to him. It’d been a
whole day of firsts packed into a few short hours.
“You’re high, Padalecki,” Jensen reminds him. “You probably wanna kiss
everybody at this party.”
“Mmmm, no. Just you.”
Jensen’s stomach gives a pleased little kick. Maybe he’s had too much to drink,
because he leans down over Jared.
“You sure?”
“Yep.” Jared sits up and meets him halfway.
Their lips bump together, dry and clumsy, and it’s not exactly worthy of the
big screen until Jared gets a better angle, becomes more demanding and Jensen
lets him inside.
It’s hot and wet with a bite of alcohol as Jared’s tongue tangles with
Jensen’s. He gets a hand around the back of Jensen’s neck to pull him in
closer, bending Jensen’s spine practically in half.
It’s been a long time since he kissed anyone and Jensen’s blood buzzes like
he’s done another shot, right down to the way heat shoots through him and pools
in his stomach. His toes curl in his boots, warmth prickling the balls of his
feet and wriggling up his legs into his groin.
When they break apart, Jared lays his head back down, nose pushing into
Jensen’s thigh. He doesn’t seem to notice that Jensen’s half-hard, despite the
fact his tights are making it obvious.
It’s nice. For once, neither of them has anything to prove. It’s just human
touch on Halloween night, like they’re anybody else.
For the first time, Jensen thinks about how different things would be if they
hadn’t met at Eldridge, if he and Jared had crossed paths at the grocery store,
or at a party like this. Would the boy in his lap have noticed him?
Jared’s firmly in the top tier at school while Jensen’s only touched popularity
because he’s friends with Sophia. As a freshman, Jensen’s only other friend was
Misha, and it’d been that way until Chris started going out of his way to talk
to him at school, and even then, it wasn’t like they held hands in the hallway.
Jensen had never wanted the attention Chris and Sophia got until he realized he
had it bad for the star quarterback and that the whole school thought he was an
uptight closet case with an ego too big to fit in the closet with him. He
didn’t come out until after Chris graduated, and even then, it wasn’t like he
was comfortable proclaiming it on street corners or anything. After freshman
year, Jensen kept his head down and pencil on paper, burying himself in
impossible mountains of homework to keep himself busy and working on software
code with Misha in the very little spare time he had. Summer vacations weren’t
any different—he rose early in the mornings and worked with Misha late into the
night. His mom worried about him, but it wasn’t like she was home often enough
to nag him into changing his habits.
The fact was, without school, Jensen’s skin crawled. Every time he walked past
Chris’ house, he was hit with a MACK truck of memories: of his inadequacies, of
all the things he should’ve done differently the previous year. He didn’t try
hard enough in school and Chris didn’t think he was worth sticking around for.
And Jensen agreed. He’s never been able to pinpoint his own worth except
through work.
At Eldridge, he has numbers to tell him where he falls in the student body,
who’s doing better and who’s worse. He’s valuable because he has paper to tell
him so; certificates of merit, awards for excellence.
Now he has this living, breathing, too-tall blur of energy with shaggy hair and
moles who smiles a lot and even tells him he’s perfect,and Jensen’s maybe
starting to get it. The thing is, it’s not perfect, and Jensen wouldn’t know
what to do with it if it was.
Jensen cards his fingers through Jared’s hair again, Jared heaving a happy sigh
and turning his face into the touch.
Jared’s not the guy of his dreams. Wet dreams, maybe, but he’s not Chris and he
never will be. But this is something he could get used to; the warm weight in
his lap and no one else around.
Of course, it doesn’t last.
“Aw, isn’t this precious?” Someone crows from behind them.
                Jensen jumps and Jared’s head pops up and his muzzy eyes try to
focus behind Jensen.
                Jensen’s already getting to his feet, all but dumping Jared off
his legs. He doesn’t know why he’s embarrassed. They’ve been pretty obvious all
night and he’s not ashamedof Jared or anything, it’s just it’s not— they’renot—
                It turns out that the voice belongs to Tom Welling and
everything only gets worse from there. A handful of his hangers-on have
followed him outside and make cooing noises at Jensen and Jared.
                Jared’s still lying beside the pool and closes his eyes like he
can’t believe what he’s seeing.
                “Fuck off, Welling,” he groans. “Just go away.”
                Jensen wonders if he should make a run for it now while
everyone’s distracted waiting for Tom’s reply.
                “So you and your boyfriend can go back to sucking each other
off?” Tom snorts.
                “Oh, that’s right,” Jared says, starting to sit up. “Your car’s
still fucked up, isn’t it? How hard is it get bird shit off leather?”
                Tom lunges forward but two of his friends hold him back.
“I knowyou’re up to something. I know you’ve been trying to fuck with me,
Padalecki,” Tom’s almost foaming at the mouth, tearing to get at Jared, who’s
watching him with an eyebrow raised.
“And I know you’re the one who screwed up my car.”
The raised voices bring more people out on to the patio and Jensen really
wishes he would’ve fought harder against the whole wearing tights idea because
there’s nothing he’d like better than to disappear at the moment.
Half the lacrosse team is there—Steve Carlson and Brock Kelly and a bunch of
guys Jensen recognizes from the practices he’s been to. Genevieve and Katie and
a handful of senior girls are hanging off to the side with wide eyes. Some of
the guys who look college age are sniggering, money changing hands already.
                Tom’s struggling against the guys holding him, swearing while
Jared just watches, unruffled.
“Tom! Calm. Down,” Genevieve tugs her sometimes-boyfriend back by the tails of
his shirt.
Danneel Harris is suddenly there, too, her arms around Genevieve’s waist as she
leads her away, back towards the house.
“C’mon, Gen. It’s not worth it. He’s an asshole, let them work it out.”
Genevieve protests, obviously a little drunk, but eventually caves and allows
herself to be led away by her friend. The rest of the crowd disperses slowly
when it becomes evident there’s probably not going to be a fight.
It’s just them, Chad, Tom, and Tom’s friends—all of whom are taller than Jensen
and twice as broad.
Jensen’s heart hammers in his ear louder than the music. His hands are shaking,
his knees like the Jell-O in the shots he’d had earlier. Should he run for it?
Should he stay? Jared’s outnumbered but it’s not like he’d be useful in a
fight, and even so…
Tom turns his pale eyes on Jensen.
“And you,you’re in on this somehow, I fucking know it—”
For the first time, Jensen sees something in Tom that makes him think maybe
they’ve made a mistake in messing with him.
And then Jared’s finally on his feet, towering over everyone else.
“Back off,” Jared snarls. Chad takes a step forward to show he’s got Jared’s
back, which might be more intimidating if he wasn’t stoned out of his mind and
wearing a banana suit.
Tom’s eyes flicker from Jared over to Jensen again, and for a second, Jensen
wonders if he’s putting the pieces together.
“I know Gen’s hanging out with you. You better watch yourself,” Tom murmurs in
a voice only Jensen and Jared can hear.
“I guess that’s probably because we’re friendsand I didn’t fucking cheat on
her,” Jared says, rolling his eyes and not bothering to keep his voice down.
“And it’s the only reason she’d ever go for second-best,” Tom retorts. “Why
don’t we just settle this right now, Padalecki? Keep it off the field.”
“Cops!” Someone yells. “Everyone who’s not twenty-one, fuck off!”
Tom looks at Jared again with his jaw clenched, but turns tail with his pack of
jocks following him.
“Should we go?” Jensen asks Jared.
“Nah,” Chad says. “It’s just what they say to get the underclassmen out.”
“We’re not even college kids,” Jensen says.
“But we look like it. Watch, no one will say anything.”
Sure enough, there aren’t any flashing lights and no one hassles them to leave.
“I’m going back inside,” Chad says. “See you jerkoffs later.”
                Jensen exhales heavily and sits back down at the edge of the
pool, running a hand through his hair. His heart’s still pounding and he
finishes the dregs at the bottom of Jared’s cup, grimacing from the bite of
whatever was in the “jungle juice.”
                Jared goes back inside for a while and Jensen’s just starting
to think he might start walking home alone when he reappears with a fresh cup
in his hand. Jared sits beside him and dangles his legs in the pool, too.
                “Sorry. Wanted to have a few more drinks.”
                Jensen shrugs.
                “You would’ve had my back, right?” Jared asks abruptly.
                “Sure,” Jensen says, not looking at him.
                Jared nods and looks straight ahead. “’S funny. I wasn’t always
like this,” he says.
“Huh?”
“I used to be shy,” Jared continues. “Like, couldn’t talk to anyone. Not girls.
Wouldn’t have been able to talk to you.”
“Why?” Jensen asks, baffled.
Jared turns to face him, eyes sweeping over Jensen’s face.
“You’re like, really. Really, uh, beautiful? But in a guy way.”
Jensen snorts so hard he almost chokes. “Thanks.”
                “But now I’m an asshole, and it’s like… everyone likesme
because of it? I don’t get it.”
                “I don’t either,” Jensen says, taking Jared’s cup away from
him. “But I think you’ve had enough to drink.”
                “Yeah, pro’ly,” Jared murmurs. “I mean, here it’s okay, though.
Everyone’s an asshole. And I’m not sorry. I don’t give a shit. I don’t have to
apologize to these people. I don’t owe them anything.”
                The color’s high in Jared’s cheeks. He’s drunk and rolling and
he’s never looked better.
                “You always get this philosophical when you’re wasted?” Jensen
asks.
                “No. I just—I fucking hate Tom.”
                “Me too.”
                “And Gen thinks I’m like this super down-to-earth guy
and—yeah.”
                “Hmm,” Jensen says.
                “But you—you get it.” Jared looks over at him. “This is it.
This is me,” Jared says as he gets to his feet. “This is all I have. Take it or
leave it.”
                He stands up again, glaring down at Jensen, who decides in a
split second that he’d rather take it.
He stands up, too, knotting a hand in the front of Jared’s costume.
“Fuck you,” he murmurs for no particular reason and kisses Jared.
***** Eight *****
               'Cause I don't stand a chance in these four walls
                       And he don't recognize me anymore
                   Burned out flames should never re-ignite
                           But I thought you might

“So, how was it?”
It’s Saturday morning and a beam of morning sunlight is hitting him at just the
wrong angle. He turns over in bed, feeling itchy and sweaty and generally
disgusting.
From what he remembers of the previous night, Sophia ended up crashing in his
room because she was too drunk to find her keys. He doesn’t mind and he has the
most relaxed RA on campus so there’s zero likelihood of him getting in trouble
for having a girl in his dorm.  
“How was what?” Jensen mutters. His head is absolutely pounding.
“Um, I dunno, maybe finally sealing the deal with Padalecki?”
“Sealing wha…?”
“You guys were all overeach other last night. You can’t tell me you didn’t.”
“We didn’t.”
Sophia looks at him in the mirror.
“Jesus, Jenny. Only you, I swear to God.”
“Only me what?”
“Talk about self-denial. I hope it wasn’t because of Chris.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jensen groans and pulls his pillow over his
head. Waking up and discussing his sex life first thing in the morning is not
exactly his idea of a good time.
“Only that you’ve been, like, pining for him since he split town?”
“Pining?” Jensen flings the pillow away from himself just so she can see the
full effect of his gaping. “I don’t pine.”
Sophia’s lower lip quivers and her eyes go big and shiny in the glass as she
does her best imitation of Jensen’s pout.
“It’s okay if he doesn’t call, I don’t care,”she says in a breathy sigh.
“Shut up,” Jensen snaps, tossing the pillow at her instead. He nails her in the
back of the head, causing her hand to jerk so that her lipstick smears across
her cheek.
“Jen-sen,” she screeches. “I’m going to fucking kill you, do you know how much
this shit costs?!”
Jensen grins and ducks back under the blankets. “Truce?”
“Fuck you, truce!”She tackles him two seconds later, knocking the wind out of
him.
“Mercy! Have mercy!” Jensen wails as she punches him all over. He ruffles the
hair she spent so long straightening and by the time they’re done wrestling
it’s so disheveled she has to spend thirty minutes combing out the tangles,
bitching at him the whole time.
At least until she starts back in on his personal life.
“But seriously Jen, what’s going on with you and Padalecki?”
“I dunno. We’re fucking around, that’s all.”
“Is it gonna stay that way?”
“What d’you mean?” Jensen asks, his stomach flipping.
“I mean, how serious are you guys? A lot of people saw what happened last
night. They’re gonna talk, whether or not it’s true. He must like you. Like,
what if he wants to getwith you?”
“No,” Jensen says immediately.
“Why not?”
“Because he’d go bragging about it to all his little jock buddies and, I dunno,
it’s not like he doesn’t get laid enough by half the cheer squad anyways.”
“Seriously Jenny, I don’t think it’s like that.”
“Youwere the one who told me not to get involved with him,” Jensen huffs.
“Yeah, but. Things are different than I thought they’d be.”
“Meaning what?”
“I thought one of you would’ve murdered the other by now,” Sophia says.
“It gets close sometimes,” Jensen mutters. “Point being, I’m not just gonna be
another trophy fuck on the Jared Padalecki shelf.”
“You think you’rea trophy lay? Hm, not sure about that one.”
Jensen scowls. “How would youknow? Just because the last guy I slept with left
town doesn’t mean I—”
Sophia cracks up at that.
“But c’mon, you had it so bad for Kane. Still do,” Sophia rolls her eyes. “I
mean, yeah, the guy’s hot and all, but if he’s part of it… Greener pastures,
Jenny.”
“I don’t give a shit about Chris. That was forever ago.”
Not giving a shit about Chris isn’t entirely true, he does care. It’s just not
like Sophia thinks it is.
He’s grateful that she doesn’t press the issue. She’ll bring it up, which is
more than any of his other friends will do, but she never pushes it too far
because she gets it.
She’s only had one or two boyfriends despite the fact she’s been drowning in
dudes since the sixth grade. She knows what’s at stake even at their age.
For both of them, it’s always been about looking out for their own
interests—career and school first, then family, then dating. Hooking up has
worked fine for Sophia, and it’s starting to work for Jensen, too. He doesn’t
have time for a boyfriend, and even if he did, Padalecki would hardly be a good
candidate.
He’s going to college soon, and Padalecki will be little more than a memory—a
couple of hand jobs and a general pain in the ass. He’s gonna turn eighteen
next year. He’ll officially be an adult, despite the fact that he’s felt like
one for years.
Eldridge kids don’t spend much time as “kids” at all.
*****
“What’re you doing tonight, Ackles?” Jared says on the other line.
“Studying for Euro. Why?”
“You wanna come over and get stoned and maybe make out?”
“I’m studying,Padalecki.”
“Yeah but I bet you know it all already anyways. Or I could help you study.”
“Help me study?” Jensen repeats dubiously. “And how would you do that?”
“I dunno, I blow you if you get all the answers right or somethin’, I’m sure we
could figure out a system.”
Jensen smiles in spite of himself. “Hmm, sounds tempting but I actually want to
graduate someday, so…”
 “C’mon, Ackles. Lighten up, it’s a Friday.”
Jensen glances at the clock on his bedside table. Curfew’s in an hour, but he
can probably get away with it.
                “How much shit you got under your bed?”
                “Uhhh, a lot, why?”
                An hour and a half later, Jensen slides out from underneath
Jared’s bed, picking candy wrappers off his shirt.
                “Sorry, I forget about the rubble down there, y’know.”
                Jensen cringes.
                “Hold still.”
Jared picks a pillow feather from Jensen’s hair and blows it at his face.
Jensen wrinkles his nose and swats it away.
“Thanks for that. You sure your RA isn’t gonna come back?”
“Positive,” Jared assures him.
                Jensen sits on the edge of Jared’s bed and Jared flops down in
his desk chair, reaching for the middle drawer of his desk.
                “False bottom,” he grins and shows Jensen the hollowed out
space. “Chad showed me how to do it. He’s like, a pro at shop.”
                He takes out a glass bowl and a baggy of dried up plant
material. Jensen supposes that must be it since he’s never smoked weed before.
It doesn’t look all that sinister.
                “So you’ve never done this?” Jared asks.
                “Nope.”
                “Not even once?”
                “Nah. If you’re applying for government jobs they make you do
this lie detector test about drug use.”
                “That’s fucked up.”
                “It is,” Jensen agrees. “Very Big Brother.”
                “So you’re sure you won’t get in trouble for this?”
                And the truth is the Jensen of just a few weeks previous
would’ve flipped shit if put in this situation. But he’s been doing a lot of
thinking lately. Ever since he talked to Misha, he’s felt less and less sure of
his future with the government.
                One shot job prospect isn’t the end of the world. Besides, like
Misha had said, he wants to live on his own terms for once, and this is
something so small, so stupid to waste time worrying over when he has a whole
shitload of other stuff on his list.
                “I’m good.”
                “You sure I’m not corrupting you?”
                “You wish.”
                Jared grins. “Put your finger over this hole, okay? And don’t
move it. I’m gonna light it for you.”
                Jensen does so as Jared ignites the packed bowl. “Rules are: no
dropping the bowl, and take turns. First timers don’t pay. Breathe,” Jared
tells him.
                Jensen inhales, sucking in for all he’s worth.
                “Woah, Jesus! Slow down, cowboy.”
                Jensen’s throat is on fire and his lungs are collapsing. He’s
going to die. He coughs, choking and spluttering and heaving, holding his
stomach and a horrible, too-sweet acrid burn rips through him.
                Jared thumps him on the back, cackling.
                “’s not… Not funny,” Jensen wheezes, coughing some more.
                “You wanna try again? Slower?”
                Jensen nods, gritting his teeth. This is a rite of passage,
damn it.
                He takes the bowl again and Jared lights it for him. It still
burns and his throat is scorched and raw and he doesn’t feel any different.
                “Give it a while. Sometimes first timers don’t get high.”
                Jensen nods watches Jared light it for himself, the flame of
the Zippo casting shadows over his face. He makes it look so easy, holding the
smoke in like it’s nothing. He exhales and the too-heady scent washes over
Jensen again.
                Jensen’s on edge, waiting for some kind of change to overtake
him. Jared doesn’t seem any different. How long does weed take, anyways?
                Jared turns on the TV and they watch South Parkin silence for a
while. When Jared finally speaks, his voice is a little thicker, a little
slower. In fact, everything is a little thicker and a little slower. When he
turns to face Jared, a creeping, slow pleasure burns through his body and he
smiles in spite of himself.
                “Y’know I really like you, Ackles. At first I thought you were,
like, a total geek or somethin’.”
                “Thanks, I guess,” Jensen laughs.
                “Like fucking around with you, too. ‘S nice.”
                “Yeah.” Jensen leans back, trying to stay focused on Jared.
“You have a thing about getting off, don’t you?” Jared asks.
                “What do you mean by a thing?”
                “You like to be teased.”
                Jensen shrugs. He’s never had to explain it. He’s not sure that
he can. It might be hard for someone like Jared to get. He sees what he wants
and takes it, no hesitation. But then in Geology… he’d shown he had some
patience; some part of him that enjoyed the tease. After all, he could’ve
jerked Jensen off in class and been done with it.
                “It’s just, I like the feeling of being turned on. I mean, I
like it, and I really dislike it. I can’t control it.”
                Jared nods for him to go on.
                “But sometimes I need to let go. I dunno if you’ve noticed but
I kinda have a hard time with that.”
                Jared huffs a laugh. “Ya think?”
                Jensen gives him a wan smile. He never thought he’d be sitting
around discussing orgasms with any of his classmates besides Sophia, let alone
Padalecki. He’s feeling a little bolder and maybe loose and sleepy. Everything
seems funnier, and it’s suddenly nothing at all to talk about his sex drive.
                “I like drawing it out.”
                “Huh,” Padalecki says, like he’s considering Jensen’s words.
“That’s probably why you come so hard.”
                Jensen feels a flush creeping up his neck. “I didn’t realize it
was any worse than other people’s.”
                “It’s not worse.I envy you, man. When you get off it’s like—”
Jared mimes a rocket launching into space.
                “It’s not for you?”
                “It can be. Guess I’m more used to it,” Jared grins.
                “You soundlike you’re—” Jensen mimics his rocket motion.
                Jared shrugs and his smile falters. “Sometimes.”
                “Just when I blow you?”
Jared’s expression goes sheepish.
“Seriously?” Jensen sits up. “No way.”
Jensen can’t help it when he starts to giggle. He blames the weed.
Jared waves him off, but he smiles too. He grabs the front of Jensen’s Oxford
and pulls him closer, the chair wheels squeaking as it slides across the floor.
His eyes sweep over Jensen’s face, lingering on his mouth and Jensen nods,
still giggling and coughing as Jared presses his lips to Jensen’s. It’s slow
and lazy and unlike everything else about them. Jared’s tongue is a slick,
charged pressure against his own.
“I’m kinda glad you didn’t make swim team this year,” Jensen confesses when
they break apart.
“Why’s that?”
“Because,” Jensen says, catching Jared’s lips for a second time. He
demonstrates by tangling strands of Jared’s hair between his fingers as he gets
a better angle.
“You’re just hoping I’ll start blowing you on Saturday mornings.”
“Wouldn’t complain.”
“Greedy,” Jared smirks.
Once they start kissing in earnest they end up tangled on Jared’s unmade bed
and Jensen has a hard time trying to stop laughing.
“Your roommate…” Jensen gasps as Jared’s mouth cuts him off mid-sentence.
“Gonna be back soon?”
“I know. That’s part of the fun.”
Jared pushes his hands up Jensen’s t-shirt, his fingers spread out wide as
though to feel as much of him as he possibly can at once.  
“You’re twisted,” Jensen pants and smiles wider, licking a line along Jared’s
bottom lip.
                As if on cue, the door swings open and Jensen jumps away from
Jared so fast he slides off the bed. Blushing, he picks himself up off the
carpet while Jared laughs himself stupid.
                “Hey, Jay,” a voice says over the commotion. “Hey Jensen.”
                Jensen looks up to see Matt Cohen hanging his coat in the messy
closet and looking perplexed at the scene he just walked in on.
                “Uh… hey, Matt. I didn’t know… uh, I didn’t know you guys were
roommates,” Jensen glares daggers at Jared.
“You guys know each other?” Jared says with a dazed smile.
“You might say that,” Matt mumbles. “I’m, uh, gonna go make some food in the
kitchen. See ya later.”
As soon as the door closes Jensen whirls on Jared. “You didn’t say Matt
Cohenwas your roommate.”
“Does that matter?” Jared asks, sliding off the bed to sit next to Jensen on
the carpet and taking a swig from his water bottle.
Jensen’s blushing all over now.
“Well yeah, kinda, since I blew him at a party last year.”
Jared chokes.
“You what?”
“It was just a onetime thing,” Jensen mutters. “I was drunk. Like really
drunk.”
Jared looks at him like he’s seeing him for the first time. “Wow.”
“I thought he was the one who, uh…”
“Who what?” Jared urges.
“Who told you I give good head,” Jensen finishes with his neck darkening
another two shades down the color scale.
Jared blinks. “If I was the type, Ackles, I think I might get jealous.”
“As if you don’t get enough,” Jensen snorts.
“Could always get more,” Jared says with a slow smile.
“You wanna?” Jensen sits up a bit straighter and licks his lips. He’s been
thinking about Jared a lot since Halloween, maybe more than he should. It’s
just, they’ve barely kissed and it’s eight different kinds of wonderful when
Jared’s hands are on him and his tongue’s inside his mouth and. Basically
Jensen’s more or less obsessed with the idea, especially now when his head is
swimming pleasantly and Jared’s hand is moving towards his thigh.
“I guess I wouldn’t hate if we saw more of each other,” Jared says softly.
“I wouldn’t either,” Jensen admits. “Except maybe not when Matt’s here.”
“You’re no fun.”
*****
                They have a short fall break after midterms, a four day weekend
to recuperate from the all-nighters and consequent nervous breakdowns.
                Jensen had barely scraped through his own workload, pulling
all-nighters even when he spent all his time studying. Calc had gone well
enough, but he’s not feeling as confident about Euro or Grammar & Comp.
                Dinwiddie’s essay questions were always frustratingly vague,
while Shields’ open-ended Geology questions had to be worded with a plethora of
terms straight from the vocab in the textbook for the most credit.
                Jensen kicks through the piles of dried up leaves, each of his
steps a crisp crunchon the pavement as he makes his way to the bus stop at the
corner where Suddard intersects Everglades.
                Being home’s been good, a chance to clear his head after
everything that’s happened. It’s like his life’s been stuck on fast-forward
lately. His semester’s flying past before his eyes, what with his spending
every hour of daylight either working or in class and his nights taken up by
groping Jared like his GPA depends on it.
Jensen waits at the bus stop and wishes it’d hurry the hell up. His hands are
freezing and he can only mess with his phone for so long before getting bored.
He’s supposed to be running to the local CVS for his mom’s prescriptions and
Donna took his car in to have its oil changed. He’s not sure if he’s even at
the right stop for the bus into town, but he’ll just have to wait and see.
                At long last it pulls up to the curb. Jensen steps forward to
get on when a broad figure cuts into his path, soft guitar case slung over its
shoulder. Jensen squints in the autumn sun to get a better look at the guy to
see if he’s too big to swear at and almost falls backwards in shock.
                “No fucking way is that Jensen Ackles.”
                “It is,” Jensen chokes out lamely, because he knows that voice,
deep and accented like his own would be if he hadn’t tried so hard his whole
life to hide his Dallas upbringing.
                Because no fucking way is that Christian Kane.
                A second later his face is pressed into a whole lot of wool
peacoat and he can’t breathe as Chris wraps him in an enormous bear hug.
Just to be sure he’s not dreaming, Jensen glances up at the street signs. He
can decipher the names “Suddard” and “Everglades” clearly (he read somewhere
that reading is impossible in dreams but that might be a load of BS), and
settles on staring at Chris.
He’s even bigger than Jensen remembers, all muscle and broad shoulders.
Jensen’s not sure he likes Chris’ hair grown out like that, but it’s shiny and
thick. He looks good.
                “You feel like gettin’ a coffee and catching up?”
                Chris looks so much older than Jensen, with his guitar and the
shadow of a goatee on his chin and jaw. He’s an adult, making his own way and
actually succeeding instead of daydreaming like they used to in those days
spent in Chris’ bedroom after school.
                “Yeah, okay,” Jensen swallows and wipes his palms on his coat.
The prescription can wait.
                He walks back to Chris’ place with him and climbs into his
truck like nothing’s changed.
                *****
                Jensen’s not sure what he expected, but being around Chris
isn’t much different from how it used to be. He’s still way too into football,
rattling off names and statistics that might as well be a foreign language to
Jensen. He thinks of time in football match-ups rather than months, always
starting off a story by saying things like “It was the night the Giants were
playing the Eagles…”
Except now, Chris regales him with stories from life on the road as Jensen sips
a pumpkin spice something or other that’s way too sweet for his liking.
The corner café Chris brought him to is in town, off one of the main streets.
He’d never noticed it before and probably would’ve walked right past it if
Chris hadn’t steered him through the door. The inside is a little worn-down but
spacious, with little black tables and chairs. There’s even a small stage set
against the wall.
“This is where it all started,” Chris says, smiling reminiscently. “I came here
to play guitar and sing a few months before I graduated high school.”
“You did?” Jensen asks, blowing on his hot coffee.
“I didn’t tell anyone,” Chris nods. “But there was a girl here, Jess, and she
thought I had something.”
“Jess?”
“No one you know,” Chris says, waving a hand. “We ended up catching a bus west
and trying our luck out in Pittsburgh. Started out doing duets in bars before
we went our separate ways.”
“Then what?”
“Then I met up with some guys interested in doing something a little closer to
home, and I ended up in Dallas again, playing country.”
“That didn’t take long,” Jensen says, taking another sip of coffee.
“It was surprisingly fast,” Chris nods. “We got booked as a support act for a
singer out of Austin on a small venue tour, and then we were able to do some
co-headlining gigs at small clubs.”
                “So how long were you out last tour?”
                “Just about three months, not too bad. Did a short circuit down
the west coast and southwest, before looping back around to LA and staying with
my girlfriend for a few weeks.”
                The fact that he has a girlfriend isn’t really surprising.
Chris had always struck him as pretty straight. At least until he’d had Jensen
underneath him on a Tuesday afternoon, panting and sweating in the hour they
had before Chris’ mom came home from work.
                He’d known Jensen was gay and it never seemed to bother him,
didn’t mind that Jensen followed him around like a lovesick puppy. They didn’t
have to talk about it because Jensen had always sort of assumed that Chris
would stick around after school, try to get a spot on Penn State’s roster or
maybe tend a dive bar and they’d be friends and that would be that.
                Jensen hadn’t really planned for him splitting town only a week
after graduation without leaving so much as an address.
                Chris seems to be reading his mind because a second later he
leans in and mutters, “Hey, man. I’m really sorry about… before. About leaving
and stuff. I didn’t think it’d be permanent.”
                “Neither did I,” Jensen says before he can stop himself.
                Chris pulls back. “I meant to call, or something, it’s just…
y’know how it is when you get away from your folks. I just wanted some time to
figure things out for myself and it was all coming together.”
                Jensen actually has no idea. Despite the fact he boards at
Eldridge and doesn’t live at home, it’s not exactly a long journey back to his
mom’s place. Hell, she still does his laundry if he brings it back with him.
                He lets Chris’ comment pass.     
“So, um, how long are you back for?”
                “Could be a just for a few weeks, could be a while. Not sure
yet.”
                “…Okay?”
                “I’ve uh, come to see about the assistant coaching job open at
Eldridge. In the meantime, I’m tending a bar down in Springfield.”
                Chris back at Eldridge. Potentially working with Jared sometime
in the future. Huh.
                “I just miss being home. I miss the town and having some kind
of stability, I guess. This past year’s been kinda wild. I just wanna play
guitar and write new material with a clear head.”
                Chris glances up at Jensen. “You don’t really appreciate all
the things home has to offer ‘til you’re gone.”
                It’s something straight out of one of Jensen’s incredibly
cheesy dreams from freshman year. Not in a million years did he think Chris
Kane would actually say anything like that.
                “Isn’t that a Cinderella song?” is all he can think to say in
response.
                Chris snorts and rolls his eyes. “I’m trying to be serious,
here.”
                “Yeah, I know.”
                Chris might have a girlfriend, but it doesn’t stop his gaze
from wandering when he thinks Jensen isn’t looking.
                Jensen flushes, suddenly very aware of every movement he makes.
He knows how the night’s going to end way before Chris gets a call from his
parents inviting them both to come home for dinner.
                Jensen doesn’t for a second let himself believe that it means
anything. It’s only an inevitable continuation on the note they’d left off on,
as though Chris has been gone a month instead of years.
                At dinner, Chris’ parents exclaim over how tall Jensen’s
gotten, though they’ve seen him around the neighborhood over holiday breaks.
Mrs. Kane says how nice it is to have them both at the dinner table again and
Jensen fakes smiles for their benefit.
He tries not to think too much about what’s going to happen when he inevitably
follows Chris up the stairs, the same path he’s walked hundreds of times. He’s
too nervous to eat and mostly just pushes his food around his plate with his
fork. He wants this but it doesn’t mean his stomach’s not churning.
                After dinner Chris’ parents go upstairs and leave them alone in
the kitchen. Chris brings out a bottle of tequila.
                “Don’t tell your mom,” Chris says, grinning.
                “Fuck off, I’m seventeen.”
                Chris guffaws at that.
                “Seventeen, Jesus Christ it seems like forever ago already. You
ever done tequila shots?”
                “Yeah,” Jensen lies.
                Chris nods and lays out a few slices of lime. Jensen’s not
really sure what to do with them, so he waits for Chris to take the first shot
before mimicking him.
 They knock back a few more and Jensen manages not to pull a face in front of
Chris. It’s almost like he’s not a junior in high school who’s still following
him around. He’s making him feel grown up, and, oddly, even more like a child.
 Chris doesn’t notice. The more he drinks, the more he talks soft and low about
playing in his band.
                “’S the best kinda buzz there is, Jen. I didn’t think we’d ever
make it so far. Thought I’d be back home in a couple months with nothing but my
guitar to my name.”
                “Yeah. Me too,” Jensen grins.
                Chris huffs and gives him a light shove across the table.
                Jensen flushes. It’s the first time that night Chris has
touched him on purpose. Chris notices Jensen’s reaction and clears his throat,
sucking on a lime to chase down the taste of tequila.
                When he starts to reach out towards Chris, Jensen knows he’s
drunk. He drops his hand to the table and picks up another shot, hoping it’ll
calm his nerves.
                Chris takes another one, too, and Jensen watches his Adam’s
apple bob when he swallows.
                “Y’know, I missed it here more than I thought I would. I missed
this. But like I said, I just… I didn’t want to tell anyone where I was. Just
in case.”
                “In case what?” Jensen asks, trying to keep his tone mild. In
case Jensen wanted to find him? In case Jensen tried to out him to everyone?
                “In case things didn’t work out,” Chris says. “It wasn’t you.
It was never—” He breaks off, looking a little lost and pressing a hand to his
eyes.
                “Sure,” Jensen says. He’s almost seeing two of Chris and he
should probably go home, but since he got into Chris’ truck that was never an
option. He’d even sent a text to his mom hours ago saying he wouldn’t make it
home tonight since Chris was back.
                He almost laughed out loud when he thought about what Donna
probably thought they were doing. Catching up, playing video games, talking
about girls and slapping each other on the back. She’d always encouraged their
friendship, oblivious that she was fanning the flame of Jensen’s hope.
                Chris lowers his hand, his light eyes locked on Jensen. He
opens his mouth to speak but Jensen doesn’t give him the chance. Made brave by
tequila and thinking now or neverand knowing he can’t wait a second longer, he
stands up, crosses the table, and looks down at Chris with his arms folded
across his chest, waiting.
                Chris stands up on unsteady legs and then they’re tangled
together, Jensen’s mouth filled with the taste of lime and Chris, fumbling with
each other’s clothes as they make for the stairs.
*****
                When Chris gets his pants off in his bedroom, Jensen’s half-
surprised through his buzz that Radiohead isn’t playing on the stereo. His ears
are filled with nothing but their breathing, Chris’ soft grunts as Jensen jerks
him off in long, slow strokes.
                Chris pushes him down on the bed and they’re surrounded by the
same posters of meathead football players, though they look a little faded
compared to the last time Jensen had been here. Like last time, Jensen doesn’t
see much of them because for most of the next half hour his eyes are scrunched
shut or he’s facedown.
                They fumble with buttons and zippers and it’s been so long but
it still feels like it could be just another day on break from school. Jensen
hears the tearing of a foil package and his legs are shaking but it doesn’t
matter because Chris is holding him up, fucking him slow from behind until they
find an easy rhythm.
                It’s been so long that it’s like relearning it from scratch,
how his breath tears out of him when Chris sinks home and how it’s really close
to being too much the whole time Chris is inside him. Jensen likes the heavy
weight of Chris against his back, his slick chest, his arm wrapped around his
waist. He takes Chris in deep and rocks back into him.
                The arm around Jensen’s waist squeezes him tight, pulls him
against Chris’ body, as close as he’ll get to an explanation. There’s no
ceremony about it. There doesn’t have to be. Their afternoon reunion had been
as much foreplay as Jensen needed; this moment’s been coming for over a year.  
                Without saying a word Chris tells him that they can have this
as long as he’s here. He’s been offering in the only way he has, a language
made up of too-long glances and accidental brushes of hands over the dinner
table.
                Chris comes and Jensen slips out from underneath him,
pretending he’s going to finish himself off in the bathroom.
                “You okay?” Chris pants.
                Jensen nods and closes the door behind him. Instead, he waits
and counts backwards from ten until he’s only half-hard. His hair is sticking
up all over the place and he’s so, soturned-on he needs to just walk it off.
Letting go isn’t an option tonight, not when his head’s messed up and his
heart’s hammering like this.
                It’s all too much. He can’t come. His legs are too weak and he
can’t think of anything besides how swollen his lips look in the mirror.
                Chris’ eyes are closed when Jensen comes back into the bedroom
and starts pulling on his jeans.
                “’S good to see you, Jen.”
                “Yeah,” Jensen smiles and means it when he says, “You, too.”
                The walk home takes five minutes tops but Jensen drags it out
into twenty. He shivers and pulls his arms in closer to his body. He’s still
flushed, the stale sweat on his body going cold from a gust of wind that
rattles the few dry leaves on the trees overhead.
                His jeans don’t feel as tight though his knees are weak. He
probably should’ve let Chris finish him, but all he really wants is space and
maybe a few more drinks.
                The house is quiet when he gets home. Donna’s working a
nightshift at the hospital. Jensen puts a pot of coffee on and takes a shower
while he waits for it to brew. To his surprise, Mack’s sitting at the table
when he comes back downstairs.
                “Don’t you have to be at school tomorrow?”
                She ignores him.
                “Where were you?” She asks.
                “At Chris’.”
                Mack’s still over a head shorter than him even though she’s
definitely grown. She’s wearing plaid pajama pants and an oversized t-shirt
with the constellations on it. Jensen got it for her from a science museum in
Philly on a field trip back in middle school.
                Jensen gets a mug out of the cupboard.
                “Can I have some, too?”
                “You like coffee?”
                “Yes,” Mack wrinkles her nose at him. “I’m not a little kid,
y’know.”
                “Okay, just checkin,’” Jensen puts his hands up. “Cream and
sugar?”
                “Nope.”
                Jensen smiles at his sister and pours her a cup of Peet’s
Sumatra. He can tell she’s holding back a grimace after the first sip.
                “Are you and Chris dating?”
                Jensen nearly chokes on his coffee.
                “I…uh…”
                “It’s okay. I don’t care.”
                “I know. It’s just, uh. No, I don’t think we are.”
                “What do you mean you don’t think?”Mack demands.
                “I mean it’s complicated.”
                “How complicated can it be?” Mack rolls her eyes. “Either you
like him or you don’t.”
                “Well, yeah, I like him. I guess.”
                Mack heaves a heavy sigh. She reminds him so much of Donna and
Sophia at the same time it’s disconcerting.
                “It’s confusing. I know,” Jensen smiles. “How do you think
Ifeel?”
                “Does he like you back?”
                “Yeah. I think he does.”
                Mack taps her nails on the table and takes another sip of
coffee.
                Jensen’s never spoken to his sister or anyone in his family
about his personal life all that much. They know he’s friends with Chris at
home and Sophia and Misha at school. Josh used to pick on him about girls, but
he also had no idea that Jensen was too busy following the captain of the
football team around to notice boobs his freshman year. As far as Josh knows
Jensen’s got zero experience and has never seen boobs in his life. Of course,
he also has no idea that Jensen’s got zero interest in boobs.
                None of them would give him a hard time about being gay, it’s
just his decision to keep that part of his life private. Telling Mack about
Chris is the closest thing to “coming out” he’s ever had.
                “But sometimes I don’t think that’s enough.” Jensen’s as
surprised as Mack is when he keeps going. “I don’t really get him anymore. I
don’t think he gets me, either.”
                “That’s stupid.”
                “Isn’t it?” Jensen says and empties his mug.
***** Nine *****
                     I was drunk again, causing accidents
                           Oh, you're not a friend,
                                You're nothing
                  I think I should be a little more confident
                                  In myself,
                                  In my skin


                After break ends, Jensen has to scramble to catch up with his
homework. He spent a lot of time with Chris, catching up and watching more
football than he has in the past three years. They don’t talk about the night
they spent together and it kinda seems like everything will be okay after all.
                On his return, he finds Eldridge’s campus papered with fliers
advertising Homecoming, which is being held at some swanky country club on the
outskirts of town.
                Danneel corners him after third period, a purposeful gleam in
her eye.
“Do you have a date for Homecoming?”
                “Uh, I wasn’t even gonna go.”
                “You’re going. And you’re going as my date, okay?”
                “Okay?” Jensen says, baffled. He had no idea they were even
friends, let alone Homecoming date status.
                “Great. Buy something green,” Danneel says, patting him on the
back and rushing down the hall. “Bye!”
                Jensen just stands there, blinking and wondering how so many
girls are getting him to bend over backwards for them lately when he’s not even
straight.
                *****
                “So, I’m assuming you’ve heard?” Sophia asks him as she sets
her tray down at breakfast.
                “Heard what?” Jensen mumbles, pushing his glasses up his nose.
He was up half the night working on an essay for Dinwiddie. He’d emailed Jared
the results and got it back with a dozen different suggestions for improvement,
none of which Jensen had pulled off very well. He gave up around four.
                The toast tastes like little more than cardboard and he’s at
the point of exhaustion where coffee can’t keep him awake and only gives him
the shakes.
                “About Homecoming?”
                “I’ve heard that we’re having Homecoming, yes.”
                “And do you know who’s goingto Homecoming?”
                “Danneel already beat you to the punch. I’m escorting her under
threat of getting my ass kicked.”
                “I’m not trying to ask you to go with me,” Sophia scowls. “I’m
asking if you know that Padalecki’s going with Genevieve.”
                “He’s wha?” Jensen asks, spraying his plate with crumbs of
toast. “Sorry, that was gross.”
                “He asked Genevieve last night. She tweeted about it.”
                “Was it like, ‘omg hot boy asked me to homecoming I’m so
shocked wow! Hashtag blessed?’” Jensen asks.
                “When did you get to be such a bitch?” Sophia asks with an
eyebrow raised.
                “Call it post-break stress,” Jensen shrugs.
                “Are you okay, though?”
                “Why wouldn’t I be?”
                “I mean about Padalecki.”
                “What?” Jensen laughs. “It wasn’t like we were gonna slow dance
the night away just ‘cause I’m sucking his dick.”
                “Jenny,” Sophia says, reproving. “You don’t have to talk about
it like that. I know you like the guy.”
                “Sure I do,” Jensen shrugs. “I like Brad Pitt too, but I’m not
heartbroken he’s not taking me to a dance.”
                “Whatever,” Sophia sighs and butters a piece of toast. “Sorry I
brought it up.”
                “It’s not a big deal,” Jensen says with another shrug. “I mean
I knew he was hard for her or whatever.”
                “You’re being exceptionally crude this morning.”
                “Long night,” Jensen grunts.
                The fact is, yes, he’s pissed that Jared’s going with
Genevieve, but if it wasn’t her, it’d be some cheerleader or one of his eight
hundred groupies. Jared was never going to ask Jensen, and even if he had,
Jensen probably would’ve laughed in his face. Necking at a Halloween party is
one thing, but school dance dating is a level of horrible Jensen’s not sure he
can handle.
                Whatever. He’ll just look his best and make sure Jared hasn’t
forgotten why they have the arrangement that they do.
                *****
                Chris calls that night while Jensen has his Geology textbook
cracked open on his desk.
                “Plans for next weekend?” Chris asks. Jensen can make out the
country music in the background and cringes.
                “Homecoming.” He sighs and rubs his eyes.
                “You? Going to Homecoming?” Chris sniggers.
                “Believe me, it wasn’t my idea.”
                “Well, what d’you say I pick you up after and we watch bad TV
at my place? Maybe you can stay the weekend.”
                “I just saw you,” Jensen says before he can stop himself.
                “You sick of me already?”
                “No, I mean, I don’t usually come home all that often.”
                “You could always stay at my house,” Chris suggests, his voice
low.
                “And tell my mom we’re having a weekend-long sleepover?”
                “Why not? We used to,” Chris says.
                “Yeah, when you were in high school.”
                “Yeah, yeah. Hey, I forgot to tell ya—I’m looking into getting
my own place downtown. Maybe you could help me scope out a good apartment. Come
to some open houses with me.”
                “Maybe, yeah,” Jensen says.
                The line’s quiet for a moment and Jensen wonders if he’s said
something wrong.
                “Look, Jensen. If you don’t wanna see me, I get it. You don’t
have to justify yourself to me.”
                “No, it’s—it’s fine. It’s not you. I just have a lot of work
here, you know how it is.”
                “Yeah, I remember,” Chris says.
                “I’ll come over after the dance, okay? We’ll work out the rest
after that.”
                “Great. Pick you up at midnight?”
                “Yeah,” Jensen says, wiping his palms on his khakis. His hands
are shaking a little and he’s not at all sure of what he’s doing, only that
he’ll be damned if he’s sleeping alone this weekend while Genevieve Cortese
isn’t.
                *****
                Jensen’s never been this drunk before. It usually takes two
screwdrivers and he’s seeing double, so the whole whiskey thing is kicking his
ass in an awesome new way. 
It’s Eldridge’s Homecoming at what’s probably the swankiest country club in the
state. It’s not a big deal for him since he’s not involved in sports, but
Danneel’s on his arm and they both look hot and he’s having a decent time.
Danneel’s dress is deep green, cut asymmetrically. She told him while she was
straightening his tie that his matching vest brought out his eyes.
Danneel put him to shame when it came to pre-game Jack and Cokes and still
managed to walk in heels and hold him upright when they walked past the
administration. If he was straight and Sophia hadn’t beaten any kind of
remotely sexist joke out of him, he’d call her wife material right then and
there.
Chad’s come to the dance “stag,” meaning he couldn’t find anyone desperate
enough to go with him. At the moment, he’s harassing James over by the punch
table, telling a story and making gestures that only make it more obvious how
wasted he is.
Sophia’s not far off, cruising James from a distance. Jensen knows the look in
her eye.
He’s doing some cruising himself because Jared looks fucking fantastic in a
suit and that red vest is—
But Jensen’s not going home with Jared tonight. Gen might be, although she
might just lose her glass slipper on the stairs and drive home in her pumpkin
coach instead and maybe that’s a little bitchy of him to think.
How Jared managed to score a date with Genevieve, Jensen will never fully
understand. She might as well have a waiting list for all the guys who are
trying to get in her pants.
Objectively, they look perfect together— Jared tall and every inch the American
boy next door to Genevieve’s easy sophistication. She’s perfectly sober, clear
eyed and smiling when Jared leans down to talk into her ear. There’s never a
time when they aren’t surrounded by crowds of adoring idiots, all desperate for
the queen’s attention and eager to kiss up to the future king.
Thankfully, Danneel snuck a flask inside in her clutch and she keeps Jensen
floating pleasantly all night.
Chris is set to pick Jensen up at midnight and his stomach’s already tightening
at the prospect. They’re going to fuck again, he knows it, and maybe this time
he’ll stay the night. He’s drunk enough that it sounds like a good idea.
“You okay, Ackles?” Danneel asks.
“Mhmm,” Jensen mutters, resting his head on her shoulder. She smells good, like
fruity shampoo and crisp perfume.
“You sure you don’t need to take a breather?”
“’M good,” Jensen assures her. He likes the way the lights and the bass are
pounding together. The room slows before his eyes.
Whenever Gen starts talking to one of her friends, Jared’s eyes dart back to
him. He can feel it, whether or not he acknowledges it.
                Danneel sure as hell acknowledges it.
“What’s going on with you and Padalecki, anyways?”
“Stuff,” Jensen shrugs, smiling.
“What kinda stuff?”
“Good stuff. Sometimes. Sometimes he’s an asshole. Me too, though.”
“Yeah, I’ll agree to that one,” Danneel says drily. “Is he going to… uh,
y’know? With Gen?”
“Oh, I dunno. He likes her. More than me, maybe.”
“I was, um, hoping she’d want to come with me,” Danneel says.
Even drunk, Jensen gets that she’s not talking about as friends.
“Oh,” he says again, suddenly serious. “Ohhhh.”
Danneel blushes and looks towards Chad and James instead of Genevieve and
Jared.
She squints. “Where’s Chad’s other hand…?”
“Huh?”
Jensen turns to look. James looks a little red in the face but that’s probably
from annoyance at getting stuck with Chad.
“Never mind. Thought I saw something,” Danneel shakes her head.
Jensen doesn’t know what to say. He’d wondered about Danneel, but figured it
was none of his business and that she’d tell him if she thought it was.
“I mean, there’re other… Genevieves in the sea, right?”
“I guess so,” Danneel smiles weakly.
It’s worse because Jensen can’t lie to her and tell her Jared will treat Gen
right. Jared’s an asshole most of the time. Not like Jensen’s any better or in
a position to judge but he figures it takes one to know one and all that.
“I fucked Chris Kane,” Jensen blurts. It’s way too much info to share with
someone he only met a few weeks ago but sharing a secret of his own seems like
the right thing to do. Besides, it’s been eating away at his insides ever since
he got back to school.
Danneel’s eyes widen.
“Seriously? Didn’t have you pegged as the type.”
What the hell does that even mean and why has he heard it twicenow from two
different people?
“Yep.”
“What about Padalecki?”
                “Y’know how there are those people in your life that are like…”
Jensen waves his hand in the air, searching for the words. “Like really… just
great,like really great.”
                “Yeah, great,” Danneel nods.
                “And then,” Jensen’s having a hard time holding his head
upright. “There are those people who are like…”
                “Awesome,” Danneel says.
                “Yeah. You got me.”
                “Yeah, I got you.”
                Danneel is cool. Like really fucking cool. He should spend more
time with Danneel.
                “Like, what are you supposed to do when you’ve got someone
great,”Jensen slurs, “and someone awesomeat the same time?”
                “Do them both,” Danneel says as if it’s obvious.
                “I am,” Jensen nods. “Butwhat if they get weird?”
                “I dunno, which one’s better?”
                “Well, like, Jared and I have this thing, right? But then Chris
and I had a thing a long time ago and he’s all fucking perfect, and Padalecki’s
got hernow, so…”
                “Are they looking at us?” Danneel asks abruptly.
                Jensen glances surreptitiously in Jared and Genevieve’s
direction. Jared’s leaning low and Genevieve’s standing on tiptoes, talking
into his ear. Jared’s eyes flick towards Jensen’s corner as he listens and
Jensen makes a big show of being engaged in conversation with Danneel.
                He grimaces as he swallows his vodka and punch in one gulp.
It’s gross but it’s keeping him in a good mood and that’s all he cares about.
                “You wanna dance?”
                “You bet your ass,” Danneel grins at him, leading him by the
hand to the floor.
                Jensen really has no idea how to dance but Danneel leads and he
mostly just sort of sways around in time to the music, closing his eyes against
the flashing lights when they get to be too intense.
                Danneel leans into his chest during a slow song, her arms low
around his waist.
                “God, if we were straight, we’d make such a good couple.”
                “I know, right? Like, fuck them,” Jensen says in the general
direction of Jared and Genevieve.
                “Fuck ‘em,” Danneel nods.
                It’s not like Jensen wants to dance with Jared cause that’d be
lame. He’s so not into that kind of shit. But yeah, he looks really good and
Jensen’s close enough to see how his eyes light up when he talks to Genevieve.
                The music picks up again and Jensen’s snapped back to reality.
He hates about eighty-eight percent of the people in the room and he’s watching
the guy he’s supposed to be “seeing more of” hanging all over a beautiful girl
and he can’t even hold it against him that much.
                He stalks over to the chairs at the edge of the room and
Danneel trails sullenly in his wake.
                Probably the worst part about the whole night is how Jared
picks Gen up at the end of the last song, twirling her around with a big,
stupid grin on his face that makes Jensen want to drown himself in the punch
bowl or maybe even the fondue fountain. Genevieve’s crimson dress flutters
around her like a tongue of flame and they look like something out of
Seventeenmagazine.
                “I can’t be twirled,” Jensen whines to Danneel. “Like he can’t
fucking twirlme.”
                “Wha?” She rests her head on his shoulder.
                “I mean I didn’t think that was a problem.Shows what I know.”
                The lights flick on and there’s a collective groan from what
seems like everyone except Jensen and Danneel.
                “Fucking finally,”Danneel grunts, standing up and stretching.
“Thanks for coming with me, Jen.”
                “No problem.”
                She casts another glance at Genevieve. “I’m just glad this
horror show’s done so I can drink myself into a coma.”
                “Yeah, I know the feeling.”
                Jensen wraps his arms around her, hugging her tight. He’s a
little surprised by the rush of fondness he feels when the smell of her hair
fills his nostrils.
                “You good?” He asks.
                “Yeah, I’m going to catch a ride with Cohen to the lacrosse
party off-campus.”
                “Be careful,” Jensen says. “If you need anything, text me.”
                “Why, so you can drunk dial me back?” Danneel says wryly.
                Jensen ignores her question. “I’ll be with Chris, so we can
come get you, okay?”
                That’s when he notices Jared cutting a swath through the crowd,
standing out over everyone. He’s heading straight for him.
                “I gotta go. Have a good night,” he says quickly, pressing a
kiss to Danneel’s forehead and turning on his heel.
                “Ackles, wait up!”
                He pretends he can’t hear Jared calling him and speeds up,
determined not to let Jared see how sloppy and drunk he is. He’d probably think
it was because of himand that’s so far from the truth Jensen can’t even begin—
                “Jensen!”
                He shoulders through the country club’s double doors and spots
Chris’ rusted red and white Ford pickup almost immediately.
                He wouldn’t put it past Padalecki to chase him through the
parking lot and he’s grateful when the sound of Jared’s footsteps fade out and
Jensen can only hear his own.
He sees his breath on the air and hurries to the passenger side. He doesn’t
bother to look over his shoulder. He already knows Jared’s watching.
He doesn’t care.
He climbs into Chris’ truck, his foot almost slipping. He smiles sheepishly at
Chris and settles in, carefully not looking back towards the sidewalk.
“Are you…?”
“Yeah,” Jensen pants, rubbing his hands together to warm them up and laughing.
“Yeah, I’m really drunk.”
Chris smiles slow and sexy in the way that used to make the cheerleaders line
up at his locker.
“C’mon, let’s get you home.”
Chris puts the truck into “drive” and Jensen catches one last glimpse of Jared
on the sidewalk in the red vest Jensen had admired on him earlier that night,
his hands hanging limp at his sides as though defeated.
*****
Jensen’s been trying to maul Chris for the last hour or so, giggling and
reaching out to him.
“Just fuckin’ kiss me, okay?”
“Wait,” Chris says. “Just wait til you can see straight again.”
He makes him drink a lot of water and wraps him up in a fleece blanket and
Jensen’s crazy about him, over the fucking moon, Jared still left behind on the
curb as far as he’s concerned.
“You’d twirl me if you could, right?”
“What?”
“If I was a girl and we were dancing, you’d like pick me up and do all that
cute shit, right?”
“Sure, Jen. I’d do that for you no problem.”
“See that’swhy you’re the best. You’re the best.”
Chris smirks. “Thanks. You’re pretty awesome too.”
Jensen settles his head in Chris’ lap and dozes off for a little while, coming
in and out of consciousness to catch snippets of bad late night movies.
He’s finally awake by the time Top Gunstarts and Jensen reaches up to brush
Chris’ long hair back from his face.
The gesture surprises him as much as Chris, whose eyes go wide and Jensen
starts to feel self-conscious.
Chris clears his throat. “Does your mom know you’re staying over?”
“Mmhmm. I texted Mack.”
                “’S good. That’s real good. So I have you all night?”
                Jensen nods and his heart skips a beat.
                When he first came back, Chris had said something about a
girlfriend. But why should that be Jensen’s problem? Chris is the one who’s
cheating (Jensen squirms at the thought of being the other woman), if you could
even call it that. Stopping this probably would be the right thing to do. And
then there’s the whole Jared issue, which is probably over now. Jared has
Genevieve.
                So when Chris leans in and kisses him like Jensen always hoped
he would, he’s not thinking about right and wrong all that much.
                *****
               
                Jensen rises early in the morning, stopping back in at his
house to change his clothes and brush his teeth. His mom nodded at him over her
morning coffee and newspaper, and Jensen thanks the powers that be that she has
no idea what he really does at “sleepovers.”
                He feels a little guilty for not telling her the truth, but
it’s eclipsed by the fact that he basically has a free pass to spend as much
time at Chris’ as he wants.
                When he gets back to Chris’ place, he’s sitting up in bed with
the sheets around his waist. Jensen flushes and glances out the window. This is
seriously happening to him—this whacked out, maybe-relationship with the guy
next door.
                “Mornin’,” Chris yawns.
                “Hey.”
                Jensen sits at the edge of the bed, thumbing through a Sports
Illustratedissue that had been lying on the floor. He tenses momentarily when
he feels big hands on his shoulders but relaxes. He breathes in the scent of
Chris, sort of sleepy and warm.
                “You wanna do something today?” Chris asks.
                “Like what?”
                “I dunno, I thought maybe you’d wanna do something that didn’t
involve my bedroom for once.”
                “I guess that’d be nice,” Jensen says, smiling slightly. “You
gonna get dressed?”
                “If I have to,” Chris sighs, pushing the blankets back and
stretching.
                Jensen averts his eyes back to the magazine.
                “You shy all of a sudden?” Chris asks, his weight shifting off
the mattress as he gets up and pads to the bathroom.
                “Guess so.”
                Chris laughs and the sound of the shower stonewalls the
conversation.
                Jensen’s phone vibrates in his pocket, and when he checks the
screen, the contact is nameless—just numbers.
                Jared.
                Answer your door asshole.
               Jensen hesitates.
                He could just tell Jared he went home. But he saw the truck,
maybe saw Chris driving it. Besides, what would he gain from lying? He’s not
doing anything wrong.
                Seriously, you pissed at me or something???
               The shower shuts off and Jensen glances back down at his phone.
                Not at school,he texts back and shoves his phone back into his
pocket, ignoring it when it vibrates three seconds later.
                *****

                Chris takes him on what can only be described as his version of
a date. The cynical part of Jensen wonders if this is a thanks for the sexdate,
but he’s also having a good time anyways.
                They get cheesesteaks in town and Chris brings a six pack along
in his truck. They eat at a picnic bench down at the lakefront, sipping Sam
Adams and watching the ducks paddle through the water. Chris is talking about a
gig he played in Atlanta, when he and his band had gotten into some kind of bar
brawl.
                Jensen’s only half-listening, nodding at the right times and
laughing at what he guesses are supposed to be the funny parts.
                His phone stays silent, but he’s thinking about Jared anyways.
                He’s being overdramatic by ignoring him, but what the hell had
he been thinking, running after Jensen like that after spending the whole night
with Cortese? He doesn’t need Jared to soften the blow or anything. If they’re
done, they’re done. He can handle it, he’s a big boy. He’s got options.
                Besides, everything between them had only started out of
convenience. There was tension and it had to be resolved sooner or later, and
now it was. They were both free to move on. A locker room blowjob is hardly a
healthy start to a relationship and Jensen almost snorts out loud at the memory
of getting caught by Matt, making out on Jared’s bed. It’d always been
temporary and they both knew it.
                “You’ve got that look on your face,” Chris says, jerking Jensen
out of his thoughts.
                “What look?”
                “The homework-boner look.”
                “What?”
                “Y’know, the one you get when you’re studying and enjoying it
in that really weird, sick way?”
                Jensen frowns at him. Chris laughs and puts his empty bottle
back in the six-pack.
                “Seriously, you okay?”
                “Yeah, I am,” Jensen replies, looking out over the greenish-
blue water. “Just thinking about some stuff I left unfinished at school.”
                “It’s the weekend,” Chris says. “Relax for once, it won’t kill
you.”
                “Kinda feels like it might,” Jensen says, finishing the dregs
of beer in his bottle. He already feels heavier than normal and he’s only had
two.
                They sit in silence for a while before Chris starts talking,
his eyes intent on Jensen, who can’t look at him.
                “I know I left you here waiting and that was stupid and selfish
and I’m sorry. I know there’s only so many times I can say it, but I mean it.”
                Jensen just nods. There’s no way to tell Chris what’s been
going on in his life lately, no easy way to tell him he’s wrong.
                Yeah, he’d waited, in a way. He hadn’t dated anyone, hadn’t
even looked sideways until this thing with Jared started. And he hadn’t meant
for it to start, anyways.
                He’d pretty much just stuck his head in the sand—in this case,
his school work. He’d been too busy to ever think about getting involved. He
hadn’t wanted a relationship. He still doesn’t, yet here he is, nodding and
yes-ing to everything Chris has to say because it’s easier than trying to
explain how he really feels.  
                “Is that it?” Chris asks.
                “Yeah,” Jensen says. “I mean, I dunno what I’m supposed to
say.”
                “Nothing,” Chris says. “I was thinking you’d tell me that this
isn’t a shot in the dark, that maybe you even missed me a little.”
                Jensen almost laughs.
                “Yeah, I missed you.” He looks Chris in the eye. “But what
about that girlfriend you mentioned?”
Jensen hates himself for bringing it up, but he’s already got a full plate of
bad karma coming his way in the near future so might as well get it all out at
once.   
“It’s not… It didn’t work out. Besides, I’m staying here, so…” Chris says, a
pleading note entering his voice.
“So?” Jensen prompts.
                “Look, I’m here for real now and I wanna keep doing this.”
Chris pops the cap on another beer. “Throw me a bone here, Jen. I have no idea
what you’re thinking and I know you. Something’s up.”
Jensen wants to say, No, youdon’t know me. Not anymore.He knows the stupid
little things about him like his perfectionism, his anal retentive tendencies.
Nothing else.
He can’t fathom for a second why someone like Chris Kane would want him around,
especially after years apart. He’s nice, funny, and considerate for the most
part. He’s been Jensen’s dream guy since they met, and now he’s saying that he
wants Jensen, too. But why now?
Jensen looks at Chris and meets his blue eyes again. He knows he should forgive
and forget. He can do the first, but not the second. He’s only human, and not a
very good example of one at that.
                “I’m not mad at you, Chris.”
                Chris nods. “Thanks.”
                It’s not a lie, but the words still don’t sit right on his
tongue.
                “You’ve changed,” Chris says, his head cocked slightly to the
side.
                “I got taller,” Jensen shrugs.
                “Not that. You’re… different, somehow.”
                Different because he doesn’t laugh at every joke Chris makes.
He doesn’t try to make conversation when there’s silence—all things Jensen did
as a freshman. Maybe he’s not as likable, but he’s not really that kid anymore.
                “I guess so,” Jensen says. “It’s been a weird couple of years
since you left.”
                Chris nods. “That school wears people down. I remember it. But
y’know, Jen, there’s so much more after it.” He takes a swig of beer and
continues, “When you’re in high school, you feel like that’s all there is.”
                “You sound like someone else I know,” Jensen smirks ruefully,
thinking of Misha. He never thought Chris Kane and Misha Collins would have
something in common. “So what else is there?”
                Chris shrugs. “There’s playing music. There’s barhopping.
There’s getting your own apartment. Sex.”
                “Think I’m getting some of that anyways.”
                “True,” Chris says. “It’s hard to explain. But you’ve only got
another year anyways.”
                “Yeah,” Jensen says, leaning against the old wooden table and
trying to ignore the way his stomach twists the same way it does every time
Chris implies he won’t understand something because he’s too young. Chris is
definitely starting to make him feel that way.
                Clouds start to gather on the horizon as they sit in silence
and they make it back to the truck just before it starts raining.
                The calm warmth of the cab in the storm brings back more
flashes of memory, of after school trips when Chris would take him to the Dairy
Queen two towns over so Jensen could get a Blizzard with graham crackers after
a particularly stressful day of class.
                Thinking of those little expeditions makes Jensen’s heart
swell, but then he remembers watching Chris in the hallways, always surrounded
by teammates and admirers. He’d wave to Jensen and they’d talk sometimes
between classes, even though over breaks they spent almost every day together.
He remembers how his stomach tightened every time he caught a whiff of Chris’
cologne, and how he’d wanted him so badly he felt sick when he stared up at his
ceiling at night.
                He’d been different then, like Chris said. He’d focused on
Chris the way he focuses on school now. And maybe that’s why he came back,
looking for that same devotion from him. But Jensen can’t feel that way
anymore, maybe because he’s grown up, maybe because he’s afraid—either way,
it’s gone.
                When he looks over at Chris, his brow furrowed as he drives
through the rain, he feels a faint tug in his chest. Jensen had missed him,
thought about him almost every day.
                And yet, he can’t seem to ignore the other tug in his gut
that’s pulling him in the opposite direction—back to school. Back to Jared.
 
                *****
                Jensen decides to go home that night, assuring Chris that he
just needs some space. He wants to sleep in his own bed and spend time alone.
He wants to think without having to lie to anyone or himself.
He’s sitting on his bed with his phone in his hand when Jared’s number flashes
across the screen.
                He lets it go for a while, but picks up on the last ring.
                “Hello?”
                “Hey.”
                Jared’s voice sounds tentative, like he’s testing Jensen’s
reaction before he keeps going.
                “What’s up?” Jensen asks, coolly. In truth, he’s kind of
relieved to hear Jared’s voice. Especially without the hotshot lacrosse player
tone he usually has. He didn’t think he’d call at all.
                “I just wanted to—are you okay? You’ve been dodging me since
Homecoming.”
                “Yeah, I’m fine.”
                “Okay,” Jared says. “So, uh, what’s up?”
                “I’m at home.”
                “Cool. How’s your mom?”
                “She’s good.”
                “That’s good.”
                “Yeah.”
                “Yeah,” Jared repeats. He sighs. “Look, Ackles, I get that I’ve
been kinda flaky lately, but—”
                “Just kinda?” Jensen asks.
                “Okay, I’ve been a dick. But I—I wanted to see you today.”
                “Well, sorry I’m not at your beck and call every time it’s
convenient for you.”
                “That’s not what I meant,” Jared says. “I’m sorry, okay?”
                “Why would you be sorry? You got the girl, you got the grades;
your life’s back on track now, right? You can stop messing around with the
twinky tutor and get on with being Jared Padalecki.”
                “It’s not like that,” Jared says.
                “Then how is it?”
                “I like you, Jensen. I don’t want you to hate me.”
                “I don’t hate you.”
                “Yeah, you do.”
                “Maybe a little,” Jensen admits. “But seriously, I’m not—I’m
not jealousor anything.”
                “I know. I was gonna offer to drive you back after Homecoming
but I saw you already had a ride.”
                “Yeah, I—my neighbor from home picked me up.”
                The line’s quiet for a minute.
                “When you coming back?”
                “Monday,” Jensen says.
                “Can I see you?”
                Jensen considers. Just hearing Jared’s voice again makes his
stomach go tight with heat. He really needs to learn how to control himself
again. His dick’s making his life really complicated.
                “Yeah.”
                Jared exhales on the other line. “Look man, I don’t mean to
pry, but is there someone…?”
                “Are you seriously going to ask if I’m seeing someone?”
                “Are you?” Jared asks calmly.
                “I—Not that it’s your business, but yeah, maybe.”
                “The neighbor you were talking about?”
                “Yeah.”
                Jared’s quiet for a minute. “How long have you been seeing
him?”
                “He just came back. He was away and things were kinda left up
in the air between us.”
                “Hang on,” Jared interjects. “It’s not—is it Kane?”
                “It is,” Jensen says. “You got a problem with that?”
                “No, I mean… I just didn’t think he’d come back.”
                “Yeah, well, me neither.”
                “Are you guys—?”
                “We’re not anything,” Jensen says. “We’re just hanging out.”
                “Like playing Xbox hanging out or—?”
                “Jared,” Jensen starts, working to keep his tone civil. “Don’t
ask, okay? Not when you and the Prom Queen are doing whatever it is you’re
doing.”
                “We’re not—”
                “I don’t want to know,” Jensen cuts him off. “I’ll see you when
I’m back at school, alright?”
                “Sure, Jensen,” Jared says. “I’ll see you then.”
                “Great,” Jensen says.
                “Great,” Jared repeats.
                Neither of them hangs up.
                “Jensen?” Jared asks after a few moments’ silence.
                “Yeah.”
                “I mean it. I’m sorry.”
                It’s starting to feel like “Inadequate Apology to Jensen Day.”
Maybe he should mark it on his calendar.
                “You don’t have to apologize to me for liking Gen. I get it.”
                “I should’ve told you I was going with her.”
                “Well, we didn’t end up buying the same dress so it all worked
out in the end.”
                Jared’s silent for a whole minute before he says, half-
laughing, “I’m going to kill you, I swear to God.”
                Jensen can’t help grinning into the phone.
               
                *****
                Chris helps him pack his stuff into the trunk of his Corolla,
their hands brushing every time Jensen passes a bag off to him.
                Chris is taking more liberties than usual, his hand lingering
on Jensen’s waist when he maneuvers around him and not hesitating to put his
arms around Jensen every chance he gets—loading Jensen’s hamper into the trunk
from behind him, pinning Jensen between his body and the car.
                And Jensen—Jensen chews the inside of his cheek. He can’t keep
this up, not with the way Chris is grinning like his birthday’s come early.
                He’s already come clean to Jared. It only makes sense that
Chris has the same amount of disclosure.
                “I’ve been seeing someone, too,” Jensen says abruptly.
                Chris stops in his tracks with Jensen’s laptop bag slung over
his shoulder.
                “It’s not… I mean, we’re not dating, or anything, but I thought
you should know.”
                Chris sizes him up. “So who is… he?”
                “He, yeah. His name’s Jared. He’s my age.”
                “Jared who?”
                “Padalecki. He’s from Eldridge.”
                Chris doesn’t seem to recognize the name. His shoulders roll
back.
                “How long you been seeing him?”
                “Not long.”
                Chris nods and looks away. “Okay. So…”
                “So, yeah. I mean it is what it is, right?”
                “Yeah,” Chris says. “It is.”
                Jensen waits for him to keep talking, waits for him to say what
he wants. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t say anything about “them,” even though
he’s had plenty to say about it all weekend. Jensen’s half amused and half
exasperated and a little bit relieved, too. He isn’t angling for a fight and
he’s not ready to have this one yet.
                “Anyways, I’ll be back in a few weeks for vacation. Maybe
before then, we’ll see.”
                “Yeah, cool. I’ll see you then,” Chris says, clapping him on
the back. Suddenly he’s being a lot less handsy. “Take care of yourself.”
                “Will do,” Jensen nods and gets in his car, waving to Chris and
backing out, leaving Suddard Street behind him.
                And yeah, Jensen likes Chris, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t
get a small twinge of satisfaction being the one to watch him disappear in the
rearview mirror.
***** Ten *****
                          Hate will keep us together
                           Love will tear us apart
                        What has joined us in the dark

                               Oh I was warned
                            I would drive you away
                                I felt the same
                                        
Jensen’s been back at Eldridge for only an hour before his phone vibrates on
his nightstand. He doesn’t have to guess who the text is from.
Your room in five?
I’m not your booty call,Jensen sends back. Which, when he thinks about it, he
actually kinda is.
Ten then???
He doesn’t bother with a response but Jensen isn’t the slightest bit surprised
when Jared shows up at his door exactly eight minutes later.
“Hey Ackles.”
Jensen had meant to play it cool, to make Jared work back into his good graces
but the second he hears Jared’s voice his reservations melt away.
Jared brushes past him into Jensen’s dorm, their shoulders knocking gently.
Jensen closes the door behind him and turns to face Jared.
“How was your weekend?” Jared asks mildly.
“Fine,” Jensen shrugs. “How was Homecoming?”
“Fine,” Jared says in the same tone, smiling slightly, teasing.
Jensen’s not thinking about Genevieve or Homecoming or watching Top Gunand he
hasn’t forgotten what Chris said to him but Jared’s unknotting his tie, tossing
it to the corner of the room before sitting on the desk chair and kicking his
feet up on Jensen’s desk. It takes all of two seconds for him to fill up
Jensen’s space.
“C’mere,” Jared beckons him. Once Jensen’s close enough, he pulls him sideways
onto his lap. Jensen leans down for a kiss, an innocent meeting of lips that
melts and turns hungry.
Jensen’s stomach hums, urging him on. He rights himself so that he’s facing
Jared, straddling him.
They kiss for a second time, Jensen pushing his hands into Jared’s chest.
“Shirt off. Now,” Jensen growls.
Jared’s surprise turns into a smile. His fingers fumble with the buttons of his
shirt, his gaze locked with Jensen’s. He shrugs out of his Oxford and the white
fabric pools on the floor beneath them.
Jensen catches Jared’s lips again, cupping his jaw to set up a better angle and
he’s pushing inside Jared’s mouth, licking into the wet heat and Jared gasps,
breaking the kiss so he can breathe.
Jensen’s never wanted anyone or anything like this. He’s reduced to a single
throb of need.His entire body aches for something, anything, and it’s like
Jared can read his mind when he says “You’d fuck anyone like this, wouldn’t
you?”
No one sees past Jensen’s bullshit exterior; no one’s ever been able to weather
the storm of his sarcasm and defensiveness long enough to see how much he
wants. The fact that Jared has turns him on and pisses him off at the same
time.
Truth is he’d fuck Chris, he’d fuck Jared, he’d fuck Jared’s hot roommate at
the moment; he’s not too picky.
“Yeah,” Jensen gasps, hips jutting forward to get some friction against Jared.
He nods over and over. Pain stabs through his chest and stomach as he pants
harder, his thighs shaking. “Yeah, but I want you.”
Jared watches him struggle with his foxish eyes cutting Jensen to the bone. If
he touches him, Jensen’s brain is going to short-circuit.
But Jared doesn’t so much as reach forward.
“Your move, Ackles.”
Jensen fumbles for Jared’s zipper and has his cock out in a matter of seconds,
jerking him off with quick strokes, space limited by how close together their
bodies are, Jared’s hips undulating into Jensen’s sloppy rhythm.
“Here,” Jared mumbles and helps Jensen shed his uniform jacket. His shirt’s
still on and he’s in too much of a rush to bother taking it off. He undoes his
belt and rocks into Jared while Jared’s hands slide into Jensen’s khaki’s to
cup his ass. Jensen groans and arches back into Jared’s grip. Jensen wonders if
this is it, if after all this buildup, today’s the day he’s going to get so
wrapped up in Jared they’ll cross the last line between them.
In the end they don’t have sex, but Jensen doesn’t have any complaints because
Jared brought lube and a few ideas of his own.
He slicks his fingers and fucks Jensen slow and deep with them, a tight burning
drag of hot friction. Jensen hisses between his teeth, steadying himself by
bracing a hand on Jared’s shoulder.
Jared smiles and tells him he’s gorgeous. He’s out of breath, getting off just
as much as Jensen is as Jensen catches his mouth, desperate and hungry. Jensen
loses himself in the heat, closing his eyes and tasting Jared, still jacking
him off with hardly any coordination. He moves his hips back and forth on
Jared’s fingers, chasing the feeling of too muchthat Jared gives him. He bites
down on the muscle between Jared’s throat and shoulder, Jared going limp
underneath him.
Jared comes in Jensen’s fist but doesn’t stop or relent. He lets Jensen ride
his hand at his own pace with Jensen’s teeth still sunk into his skin. He keeps
bringing Jensen right to the edge, Jensen’s entire body tensing and clamping
down on the two, then three, back to two fingers inside of him, before pulling
out and interrupting his rhythm, slowing it down again and giving Jensen
another build-up. He kisses Jensen’s neck, under his chin and his jaw.
Jensen’s nearly sobbing by the end of it. “C’mon, Jay, please.”
“Almost.” He wraps his free hand around the base of Jensen’s cock to keep him
from coming.
“Jared,”Jensen hisses, his eyelids snapping open.
Jared grins, knowing that Jensen’s loving every second of it. There’re some
definite perks to being “friends” rather than just bitching at each other.
Jensen’s legs are too weak to keep the pace so Jared picks up the slack,
plunging faster and harder, the tips of his long fingers sometimes brushing
that spot inside him when he gets the angle just so, making his legs cramp with
building pleasure. Jensen’s back to biting down on Jared’s shoulder and rutting
against him because he can’thang on, the heat in his stomach washing over him
in waves.
“You wanna come, Jen?” Jared’s breath brushes over his throat, hot and
stuttering.
Jensen groans and Jared takes that for the “yes” it’s meant to be. He jerks
Jensen off clumsily with his left hand and Jensen’s shirt ends up sticky and
ruined, Jared’s shoulder absorbing the sounds pouring out of him.
They collapse on Jensen’s bed afterwards. Jensen tugs on Jared’s sweaty hair
and lets Jared grab and handle him as much as he wants, his thick fingers
digging into his flesh contrasting with the almost shy kisses they share. Jared
moves from Jensen’s sides to grabbing his ass, Jensen arching into his grip.
Jensen sucks on Jared’s bottom lip, bites his jaw. Jared whimpers when Jensen’s
hands work him back into half-hardness.
Being with Jared is different now. Jensen can’t help comparing him to Chris and
how different he himself is with each of them.
Chris is one of three people Jensen trusts. But Chris doesn’t know anything
about him anymore—all he knows is the virgin he ditched after graduation. He
doesn’t know what Jared’s managed to figure out about Jensen in a few short
months.
Jared lights him up from the inside with just a touch or a well-timed glance.
Even lying next to him like this has Jensen itching in his skin all over again.
He’s not hard enough to go a second round, but he needs to do something.
Jensen goes down on Jared, sucks him slow until he recovers then swallows him
down. Jared laughs and squeezes his eyes shut with his knuckles white on the
bedposts. Jensen takes his time, knowing Jared’s still sensitive. The taste of
his precome fills Jensen’s mouth and he swallows it easily.
When Jared comes for real it’s a lot weaker than the first time but his sleepy
moans are worth it. He arches up off the mattress, panting Jensen’s name.
“Ackles, you gotta let me go,” Jared groans. “Have mercy.”
“Fine,” Jensen heaves a dramatic sigh and rolls off Jared so he can use the
shower.
Jensen cleans himself up with a wet washcloth and pulls on a hoodie. He slips
outside to smoke one of Sophia’s Marlboro Lights, his legs aching and the odd,
stretched feeling in his ass persisting. It’s straight out of a bad movie;
sitting on the dormitory steps with a cigarette dangling from between his lips
while his private school butt buddy’s busy washing come off himself.
Jensen’s boneless and sleepy, leaning against the cement steps behind him and
letting his eyelids flutter shut. In a far-off sense, Jensen acknowledges he
should feel totally satisfied— Jared’s done more for him than any of his other
awkward hookups. He got off, his muscles are loose and content. Still, his gut
churns, too-light and empty.
The taste of Jared’s on the back of his tongue with the flavor of the tobacco.
He’s hungry,even after all of it. Wants more. Not fucking, he doesn’t think,
just… more of everything. More of Jared.
The past few months, Jensen’s been so many things to so many different people
he’s having a hard time sorting them out and keeping them straight. Most
difficult of all is reconciling them to himself. He never would’ve begged like
that with Chris, would’ve been too embarrassed.
He finishes his smoke, stubs it out on the pavement and swipes his student ID
card through the scanner to get back into the dorm.
Jared’s toweling his hair dry and nods at Jensen when he closes the door behind
him. He’s only got his pants on, his feet bare and the rest of his clothes a
bundle on the floor where they fell next to Jensen’s desk chair.
Jensen sits back down on the bed, avoiding the wet spots. He huddles deeper
into his sweatshirt and leans against the headboard. He feels way too young for
whatever this is, ashamed at how desperate he’d been earlier.
The whole time he and Jared have been jerking each other off and whatever else,
Jensen’s been conscious of a line. First they didn’t kiss. Now they don’t fuck.
He’d so badly wanted to blur that line today, wanted everything Jared had to
give and then he thought he might take some more. He wanted to offer himself in
every single way for Jared to use in return and he’d get on his knees and beg
for it.
But now that it’s over he can’t quite meet Jared’s eyes. Part of him wishes
Jared would take his shit and leave, wishes he wouldn’t call for a while. The
rest wants to pull him right back into the tangled sheets and make him stay the
night or maybe the week.
Jared’s right here, so close to him, and he’s still never felt farther away.
They don’t say anything and Jensen watches Jared as he collects his belongings.
He doesn’t acknowledge that he’s being stared at.
Today’s the first time in a while things feel awkward between them, like
there’s something he’s supposed to say, only Jensen can’t figure out what and
Jared seems to be waiting for it.
At long last, Jared buttons his shirt and shakes his wet hair out, his bag
slung over his shoulder.
“See you tomorrow?”
Jensen doesn’t look at him.
“Yeah. See ya.”
Once Jared’s gone, he turns his phone over in his hands again and again,
chewing his bottom lip. He should take a shower but there’s something nagging
at the back of his mind.
He settles for calling Sophia and she picks up on the last ring, out of breath.
“Hello?”
“Do you want to get something to eat? I’m having an, uh, issue.”
“God, yes,” Sophia groans. “I was just about to start this new yoga video. I’ll
pick you up in five.”
 
*****

They settle on the diner a few blocks off campus which is cheap, though
generally pretty awful. The pancakes are hit or miss, sometimes incredible and
other times mushy, undercooked globs. Once, when Jensen was a sophomore, he’d
been daring and ordered the banana pancakes at three in the morning and his
risk-taking was rewarded with a steaming plate of fluffy, wonderful banana
goodness for four bucks. He hasn’t been that lucky since.
“Chris Kane is back?”Sophia covers her mouth with a hand, but that might be
because she almost spit a piece of pancake out at the news.
“Yeah, and he plays guitar now,” Jensen says drily, waving his hands in a mock
cheer. The pancakes are okay tonight—edible, at least, and that’s all he cares
about.  
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, like touring band and all.”
“Wow,” Sophia says, taking another bite of her food. “What happened to
football?”
“He still plays, I guess,” Jensen shrugs. “Just not like, for real. He’s still
obsessed with it anyways.”
“So what happened?”
Jensen lets out a long sigh and stares at the TV behind Sophia. The news is
broadcasting something about a local Fall Festival and his eyes linger on the
captions so he doesn’t have to look at his best friend.
“We fucked. Twice.”
“Jenny, what the fuck? Why do I always find out about these things like, two
years after they happen?”
“Because I’m an idiot and I never expect these thingsto happen until they
already are and then I wonder what the hell just happened.”
Sophia nods and takes a sip of chocolate milk. “So, was it everything you
remembered?”
“I left right after he got off the first time. The second time I was drunk and
it was after Homecoming.”
“So, I’ll take that as a ‘yes.’”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jensen asks, wounded.
“I mean he was never there for you, Jen. Not like he should’ve been.” Sophia
raises an eyebrow. “You really gonna tell me that’s the kind of relationship
you always wanted with him?”
“No, it’s not. But I wasn’t planning on him coming back, and the second he did
it was like—like if I didn’t do something, he’d slip away again.”
Something shifts in Sophia’s expression and Jensen looks away, blinking hard
and turning his attention to stirring creamer into his already watery coffee.
“So what now?” She asks, voice soft.
“I feel like I should know what to do. But I don’t,” Jensen admits. “I don’t
have a clue.”
“No gut feelings?”
“Plenty. They just change every thirty seconds or so.”
Sophia surprises him by reaching across the table, her fingers brushing the
back of his right hand, which is still clutching his spoon.
“I’m sorry, Jen.”
“I just—I liked him a lot. I still do, even though I know I probably
shouldn’t.”
“I know you do. What about Padalecki?”
“I, uh, saw him today,” Jensen says.
“And?”
“And we messed around. And the thing is, it’s just differentwith him, you
know?”
“Sure,” Sophia nods. “Maybe different is what you need right now.”
“Maybe,” Jensen concedes. “But I don’t think it’s what he wants.”
“You mean because of Genevieve?”
Jensen nods.
“Well, from what I hear, they’re not all that serious,” Sophia shrugs. “He
dropped her off after Homecoming, didn’t even bring her to the party at Steve’s
house.”
“Really?” Jensen asks, leaning forward in spite of himself.
“Yep. He just hung out with the team and drank ‘til he puked on Mrs. Carlson’s
antique lampshade.”
Jensen snorts. “My hero.”
Sophia smiles wryly. “But really, Jen, maybe he just needs some time to figure
things out. Maybe he’s confused, too.”
“Or maybe he’s not gay and he’s going to ditch me for Genevieve eventually
anyways.”
“You don’t know that,” Sophia says, jabbing her fork in his direction.
“Really, what does he have to gain from all this?”
“A very hot piece of ass,” Sophia says, her fork buried in her pancakes again.
“And maybe it’s not about gaininganything. Maybe he just likes you.”
“Maybe.” Jensen looks down at his plate.
Somehow, the idea of Jared “just liking” him doesn’t make things any easier.
 
*****
 
Jensen’s in history class on Tuesday when he catches his mind turning circles
around Jared. He’s at least more interesting to think about than popes and
schisms. Once they got to the bit with Europe having more than one pope at a
time, Jensen had started staring out the window.
Then again, he thinks about Jared pretty much all the time these days.
It makes sense to keep things as they are. Calling it friends with benefits
seems a stretch, because they don’t really fit into each other’s lives
properly. They’re forcing everything else to fit around the fact that they
can’t keep their hands off each other.
They hardly hang out, and usually bring out the worst in each other when they
do. He’s not sure how long he can toe the line that runs straight through the
territories of “too much” and “too little.” Because right now, he’s thinking
about all the things he’d let Jared do to him—askhim to do, if things weren’t
so complicated.
Regardless of how open things are between them, sending a text with Do you want
to fuck me yes or no????in it seems a little too forward.
It’s all the other stuff that’s got his head spinning because even if he sent
that text, it’s not the question he’s really asking. It’s more about the knot
in his stomach. If he can keep it, let it unravel a little more every time
Jared touches him the way it has been for months.
Jared brings out a side of him he didn’t know he had. With a cutting word or a
skimming of fingertips, Jensen ignites. He’s a raw nerve exposed for the first
time under those clever hands. But once he’s gotten his head back, he’s always
ashamed of letting his defenses fall so easily. Of course he’s addicted to it,
to the shock of letting go and getting off in any way he can when his whole
life has been about keeping his cool.
He doesn’t need Jared. Jared’s not good for him. But he likes what they do, how
they move together and what Jared has to say about it all.
It’s true that messing around has made things between them more than a little
confusing. Jensen doesn’t plan on letting it go any time soon, even if he’s
starting to worry about how impatient he gets waiting for Jared to show up at
his dorm.
Plus, since Homecoming, Jared and Genevieve have started holding hands in the
hallway.
It’s infuriating for the sole reason that Genevieve probably has no idea what
Jared gets up to in his spare time and she’s parading him around like a prize
Saint Bernard. Jared doesn’t seem to have any problem playing the part, content
to trot on Genevieve’s leash and be shown off to all her senior girlfriends.
It’s worse because no matter how obnoxious they are, Jensen still can’t call
them out. He’s wrapped around Chris’ finger just as much and it’s not like
their situation is any more wholesome.
 He and Sophia make jokes about it, but he knows Sophia only does it to make
him feel better. She likes Genevieve and probably thinks she and Jared are a
good match; better than he and Jared are.
And deep down, Jensen knows it too.
               
*****
 
That Friday, Sophia calls him.
“Pizza and drinks tonight?”
“Please,” Jensen says, grateful.
Sophia shows up half an hour later with a cheese and pineapple pizza and a
bottle of Tanqueray in her purse.
“Damn, where’d you find this?” Jensen asks, impressed.
“My mom never even noticed when I swiped it over break,” Sophia says, obviously
pleased with herself. “I mean, not like she would with the way my parents stock
their bar. Got the soda and limes in my bag, too.”
“You’re amazing,” Jensen tells her.
“Oh, I know.”
“I’ll get ice from the kitchen.”
They settle in with a greasy slice and a drink each and Jensen puts Fellowship
of the Ringon his laptop.
“Is this the extended edition?”
“Please, do you even know me?”
“Awesome,” Sophia says through her mouthful of cheese. “How’s Chris?”
“He’s okay. I think he’s looking for a place downtown.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah,” Jensen takes a sip from his cup. “I’m just not sure how he feels about
this whole thing.”
“I wouldn’t worry about how Chris feels if you still don’t even know how
youfeel, Jen.”
Jensen nods. It’s a fair point.
“He knows you’re seeing Jared still, right?”
“Yeah. I dunno if he cares.”
“I’m sure he cares. I mean, he cares about you, even if he’s got a stupid way
of showing it.”
Jensen shrugs. He’s not sure about anything when it comes to Chris. As for
whether or not he’s jealous, he hasn’t given any indication in the slightest.
“Yeah. I mean if we’re fucking and I’m messing around with Jared, too, I mean,
that’s kinda wrong, isn’t it?”
Though it doesn’t really feelwrong to him. It feels like balance.
Sophia cocks her head to the side. “I don’t think so. Not really. Not if things
aren’t defined, y’know?”
“Yeah. I mean, they’re not on any side. I don’t know what I am to Chris and
Padalecki’s sorta… I dunno.”
Sophia smiles. “So what doyou know?”
“I know I like Chris. I like Jared. But it’s different.”
“And what if one of them asks you to make a choice?”
“Chris,” Jensen says automatically. “I think.”
Sophia nods. “You guys have history. It makes sense. And who knows, maybe he
won’t suck as much this time.”
Jensen frowns and pushes his glasses up his nose. “I dunno if I want history. I
just… I know Chris, and I know how things work with us. It’s sorta easy.”
“Is it though?”
“Don’t go all Oprah on me.”
“Seriously, Jen. He makes it more complicated than it has to be.”
“Yeah, but so do I,” Jensen protests. “I could call him out and I don’t.”
“So why don’t you?”
“Because,” Jensen starts to say, “I, uh…”
“Because it’s noteasy. Because you’re afraid of what he’ll think.”
Jensen throws up his hands. “Okay. You win. But I don’t want to have to choose.
I don’t think I can.”
“You think they’ll let you off like that?”
“Maybe.” Jensen watches as Frodo pulls Sam up into the boat.
“I wouldn’t be so sure. Jared’s got Genevieve and Chris has the whole adult-
with-a-job thing going for him right now.”
“I know. I don’t want to think about it right now.”
“I don’t blame ya.”
Sophia grabs another slice of pizza. “So, on to Two Towers?”
“Yes please,” Jensen nods and grabs the bottle of gin to mix himself another
drink.
Danneel shows up halfway through the battle at Helm’s Deep and Sophia ends up
giving her a pedicure while they talk about the girls’ soccer team’s prospects.
“Seriously, I think you guys could go to state,” Sophia says. She has
remarkably steady hands considering how much gin she’s had. Not a streak of
navy blue gets on Danneel’s skin.
“Maybe. That’d show the shitheads at this school, wouldn’t it?” Danneel muses
aloud.
Sophia scoots back and Danneel stands up and admires her handiwork, wiggling
her toes.
“Ooh, sparkly,” She grins.
“That’s a good color for you,” Sophia nods. “What do you think, Jen?”
“Huh?” Jensen sits up straighter.
“He’s just dreaming about Viggo,” Sophia says solemnly.
“Shut up. It looks good, Danneel.”
“Thanks, Jenny.”
It’s past midnight when the three of them end up slumped on Jensen’s bed with
their legs tangled and hanging off the edge, getting up only to refill their
drinks.
It’s been Jensen and Sophia (and sometimes Misha, but never often enough to
bother calling him—they know he’s wrapped up in a project) for so long that
he’d never imagined adding a third to their dynamic, but it works well.
Danneel’s easy to talk to and smart and funny.
Jensen’s phone vibrates in his lap. He glances up at his friends
surreptitiously. Sophia and Danneel are having a heated debate about Éowyn and
Arwen.
As he suspected, the text is from Jared. What’re you doing tonight?
Jensen considers ignoring it. He really has no reason to talk to Jared and vice
versa.
He’s still holding his phone in his palm when his phone vibrates a second time.
I want to see you. Please?
Jensen sighs and starts typing. Since you asked so nicely. But not now.
Text me later?
Jensen doesn’t reply.
It’s not that he doesn’t want to see Jared—his heart skipped a beat as soon as
he’d gotten the text. But it’d be easier if he didn’t. He wants to spend the
night with his friends and not worry about anything except whether he’d rather
be an elf or one of the Rohirrim.
“…Yeah but she kills the Witch King,I mean, come on,that’s so badass.”
“Yeah, true, true. And she gets with Faramir which is pretty sweet.”
“If you’re into that,” Danneel says, wrinkling her nose. “Personally I think
she and Arwen probably should’ve ditched the rangers and gone for each other.
Just sayin’.”
“I could get behind that,” Sophia nods. “But like I wouldn’t say no to
Aragorn.”
“Neither would I,” Jensen agrees.
“We know youwouldn’t,” Sophia says, throwing a pillow at him and almost
knocking his cup over. “Whoops!”
“Quick, Ackles. FMK: Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas.”
“Hmm,” Jensen scratches his chin. “Well like Boromir’s already dead, right?”
“No, this is hypothetical,” Danneel says matter-of-factly, her eyes half-
closed. “Like if everyone survived.”
“What about Éomer?” Jensen asks. “I just want Éomer.”
“Ugh, this isn’t fair. Gays have so many options in this series. I’ve only got
two.”
“They’re still pretty good options, though,” Jensen says.
Sophia chooses that moment to nestle herself between the two of them, drunk
enough to enter her cuddly stage but still a few steps away from make-out-with-
everyone stage.
Danneel’s text tone rings from her bag and she sits up, frowning as she reads
the message. “I gotta go. Gen needs— yeah. I’ve gotta get going.”
“Is it Padalecki?” Sophia asks, shooting Jensen a look. He ignores it.
“Probably. Or Welling,” Danneel replies. “She’s kinda in between both of them
at the moment.”
Jensen’s just tipsy enough to not be able to hold in a snigger.
“Not like that,”Danneel scowls. “Honestly.”
Danneel hugs the two of them and dashes out the door, leaving Jensen and Sophia
sprawled out on Jensen’s bed. The movie’s still on in the background but
Jensen’s mind is a million miles away from Middle Earth.
“I miss you,” Sophia says into his shoulder, her voice muffled.
“I’m right here.”
“No, you’re not.” She sits up, frowning. “You haven’t been in a long time.”
He sits up, too, giving his phone a guilty glance. He wonders if she knows he’s
been talking to Jared since she got here. “I know. It’s just, things are sorta
complicated right now.”
“I thought it’d be good to catch up, y’know, but it’s not like it used to be. I
mean before, we never hadto catch up. It was always just us and Mish.”
He notices that she doesn’t seem upset with Misha, but then again, no one ever
is.
“I just—I’m worried about you, Jensen. This isn’t like you. I haven’t seen you
like this since Chris left.”
“Like what?”
“You barely talk to me anymore and when you do, it’s only because you’re
freaking out or something. And Danneel’s not any better.”
“This must suck for you, huh?” Jensen gives a weak attempt at a smile. “All
your friends have gone psycho over each other and you’re stuck dealing with all
of us.”
“You, Danneel, Gen, and now Padalecki, too,” Sophia says with a sigh.
“Jared talked to you?” Jensen asks, sitting up straight. “What’d he say?”
“Oh my God,”Sophia groans.
“Sorry. But really, was it about me?”
“How ‘bout you just callhim, since I’m sure he’s texting you right now
anyways.”
“Why would you think that?” Jensen shifts guiltily.
“Because,” Sophia says, in a tone riddled with annoyance. “You’ve been looking
at your phone every three seconds and Genevieve was texting Danneel. They’re
obviously fighting.”
“You’re like, scary good at this.”
Sophia shrugs and gets up from his bed. “I’m gonna get some sleep. You wanna
meet for breakfast tomorrow?”
“Sounds good. Take care, Soph.”
“Yeah, you too,” she says with an eyebrow raised. “And use protection.”
Jensen chucks a pillow at her, narrowly missing her back as she closes the
door.


*****
 
As soon as Jensen opens the door, Jared practically launches at him. He grabs
Jensen’s shirt in his fist and pulls him in close before remembering to check
himself.
“Is this okay?”
Jensen nods warily and Jared smiles. He leans in to kiss him tentatively.
Jensen’s tension melts away and he sighs into Jared’s mouth, rememorizing the
taste of him and trying to find the right way they fit together. He’s still a
little drunk and Jared’s tongue takes over, delving deeper into his mouth and
claiming it all for himself.
Jared moans softly with his chest shifting under Jensen’s palm. “Sorry. Things
have just been kinda crazy lately.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling,” Jensen mutters.
“Family stuff, y’know? Nothin’ I can do about it while I’m here at school,
but…”
“Yeah,” Jensen says, his face growing hot when he realizes his hand’s still on
Jared’s chest. He moves it away, stepping back to let him in.
He picks an ice cube out of his empty cup and pops it into his mouth, watching
Jared.
“Can I… can I stay over tonight? I mean, just on the floor.”
Jensen nearly chokes on the ice cube. “Uh, yeah. I guess. If you want.”
Jared nods with his eyes downcast, walking past Jensen to sit on the bed. He
drops his backpack between his shoes, making him look like the world’s hugest,
most adorable teenage vagrant.
Jensen finally notices that his eyes are red, like he’s been rubbing them a
lot. Or maybe crying. The thought of Jared Padalecki crying over his family is
too weird for him to handle.
“Are you… are you okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m alright,” Jared says quickly, looking away.
Jensen nods, unsure of what else to do. “You wanna talk about it?”
“No,” Jared says. “There’s nothing to say. My parents called, they’re pissed at
me and each other and I’m in deep shit this summer. End of story.”
Jensen sits cross-legged on the floor. “That sucks.”
“I, um, brought a bottle. I know you don’t drink much but…” Jared pulls a
bottle of peach Schnapps out of his backpack.
It’s true, Jensen never used to drink like this but he’s already half-drunk
anyways. “Good idea,” he says.
Jared pours two cups and slides down to the floor to sit next to Jensen. He
clinks his cup against Jensen’s and knocks his drink back.
“Did you piss off Cortese or something? Is that why you’re here?”
Jared looks up at him.
“We had a small fight, yeah. But no. That’s not why I’m here.”
Jensen nods. He probably shouldn’t believe him, but he does.
They drink in silence, and Jensen lets his knee touch Jared’s, then his thigh.
He scoots closer until they’re pressed up against each other and he can feel
Jared breathing.
“I need this,” Jensen says, abruptly. The thought’s only just occurred to him.
His lips move around the words; he didn’t mean to say them and he hates them
until Jared nods. His eyes are hazy.
“Me too.”
“I want you,” Jensen says. “And, like, I don’t know what you’re thinking or
what you want, but…”
Jared winces almost like he’s in pain, his eyes scrunching shut.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, no. Fuck, no. Don’t be sorry,” Jared breathes. “I just, I know what you
mean.”
Jared lifts the bottle to Jensen’s lips for him and he gulps down another
mouthful of booze, shivering with the burn of it. The alcohol trickles down
through him, scorching and giving him a pleasant warmth in its wake.
Being drunk and this close to Jared makes him feel like he’s splitting in two
and stitching himself together at the same time.
“It’s like we’re misfiring,” Jensen says. “Always on a different page.”
“Yeah,” Jared nods. “I know. I wish things were different.”
There’s so much Jensen wants to say to Jared. He wants to let it gush out
unfiltered and make Jared understand the flood in his brain. I wanna fuck you I
wanna keep you here I wanna leave you I wanna watch you suck me off I wanna
make you happy I wanna slow things down wanna never stop wanna kiss you every
single goddamn day—
But Jared’s got Genevieve and Jensen’s got Chris and nothing’s working out the
way it’s supposed to. He’s not supposed to want anything from Jared anymore and
instead he wants it all.
Jensen presses in closer to Jared, angling Jared’s face towards him so he can
kiss him. Jensen pulls on Jared’s lower lip, surprised to feel Jared giving in
to it, going pliant.
He gets to his feet, pulling Jared with him and crowding him against his bed,
their mouths joined and Jensen’s hands roaming up Jared’s shirt.
Jared’s hand reaches down to cup Jensen’s cock through his jeans. He gasps into
Jared’s mouth.
“Jensen, can I—?”
Jensen whimpers in the back of his throat but his muscles have gone tense,
screaming at him to put some distance between the two of them before he gives
in to the wanttearing his belly to shreds.
Jared pulls him in tight, turning Jensen around so that his body molds to
Jensen’s back. 
“Please,” he murmurs against Jensen’s neck.
Jared’s heat burns through his thin t-shirt and into Jensen’s skin. Jared’s
mouth is on his jaw, his soft, shallow breathing giving him goose bumps.
He thinks about how Jared would feel inside him and closes his eyes again. This
isn’t the time or the place. Jared’s upset and Jensen’s tipsy and confused. He
wants Jared to do it, but he’s not sure of anything else, of how he’d feel in
the morning.
Jensen shakes his head minutely and Jared pulls back, nodding. He sniffs and
turns puffy hazel eyes on Jensen. The blue in them is extra bold against the
bloodshot white.
“Sorry. I know.” Jared pushes his hair back from his face.
Jensen walks a few steps away from him and sways before steadying himself on
the desk.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—” Jared starts to say.
Jensen shushes him. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Jared sits back down on the floor and Jensen unbuttons his shirt and lets it
drop at his feet. He takes off his belt, Jared’s eyes on him the whole time. He
stretches out on his bed, lying on his side so he can look down at him.
“I don’t have any ones, if that’s what you’re expecting.” Jared croaks.
“Shut up,” Jensen smiles. “Just getting comfortable. Shirt’s itchy.”
Jared fills his cup again with alcohol and some of the soda Sophia left behind
and they watch Return of the Kingin silence for a while.
“So what were you fighting about?” Jensen asks. He’s too drunk to care that
he’s being nosy.
“Stupid stuff,” Jared says, his eyes fixed on the screen of Jensen’s laptop.
“Sandy, of all things.”
“Why?”
“She’s pissed at Sandy for talking to Tom behind her back, but they’re still
friends, kinda, and I dunno,” Jared says, wrinkling his nose. “It’s stupid. I
told her Sandy wasn’t worth her time and she got pissed at me.”
“Well, yeah, they’re friends.”
“Then she went off on this whole thing about how Ihaven’t been there for her
either, not since Homecoming.”
“You’ve been busy, though,” Jensen says sleepily. On the screen, Pippin’s
riding to Minas Tirith with Gandalf.
“Yeah, I have,” Jared grunts. “And now my parents are on my case like crazy,
too.”
“Is it true you puked on an antique lampshade?” Jensen asks, unable to hold his
laugh in all the way.
“Guilty,” Jared grunts. He looks surly for a moment before his expression
crumbles into a sheepish grin. “It was really gross.”
Jensen snorts and they fall into a comfortable silence, watching the movie for
a while before he asks, “so why’d you come here?”
Jared clears his throat, his voice low and rough and he’s at least a little
drunk. “Because you were the first person I wanted to see.”
“Because you thought I’d jerk you off?”
Jared scoffs. “You know it’s not like that.”
And Jensen suddenly does know. He has friends at Eldridge that he cares about
and trusts, but when it came to staying the night and seeking comfort, he
couldn’t deny that Jared’s dorm would be high on his list if their situations
were reversed.
The booze is keeping him warm from the inside and Jared’s gaze brings a slight
flush to his skin. He changes the subject.
“Your parents—what are they like?”
“Hardasses, when they’re actually around. My dad’s starting to take an interest
in casinos so he’s been on the east coast and in Vegas a lot lately. I mean, my
mom isn’t reallythat hard on me when my dad’s not there. She lets me get away
with a lot of shit. Just not stuff like failing class.”
Jensen nods and Jared continues. “My mom’s whole family are Duke graduates and
my dad went to Princeton so there’s just a little bit of pressure on me.”
“I know the feeling,” Jensen says. His mom wouldn’t ever be disappointed in
him, but all he’s ever wanted is to make her proud and impress her, and
impressing Donna Ackles is no easy feat.
“So, now that we’re telling the truth, how about a dare?” he asks.
“Huh?”
“Truth or dare. Pick one.”
“You can’t play truth or dare with two people.”
“You wanna bet?”
Jared chuckles. “Alright, Ackles. You first.”
“Okay, truth,” Jensen says. “What do you wanna do right now?”
Jared’s lips quirk at one side. “This isn’t helping.”
“It’s not supposed to,” Jensen says. “So humor me.”
“Um, making out some more wouldn’t be so bad.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Then maybe I’d blow you. It’s been a while,” Jared says at the ceiling.
“That’s a good start.”
“From there, it’d be hard to choose. I kinda wanna get your legs up on me and
fuck you. That’d be good.”
Jensen rubs his stomach without meaning to and toys with the button of his
jeans.
 “Think I’d like you on your hands and knees, too. You’d look so good.”
Jensen smiles at the ceiling.
“I like you drunk, Jen. I like when you wanna talk like this.” Jared’s eyes are
on him again, no hint of embarrassment. “Truth or dare?”
“Truth,” Jensen says.
“How come we’re not doing all the stuff I just said?”
Jensen hesitates. He doesn’t really have a good answer. He keeps telling Jared
he can’t, he can’t,but how long can they skirt around it? It’s just sex, and
not even Jensen’s first time.
But he’s only just gotten used to Chris being around again. Their first night
back together had been a reminder of how much sex sucker punched him when he
wasn’t ready for it. And then there’s the part where no matter what he and
Jared have done, he can’t seem to wrap his head around the idea of being that
close with anybody besides Chris.
“I don’t think I can do all that just yet,” Jensen says, finally.
Jared nods. “’S fine, Ackles.”
His shorts are hanging low on his hips and Jensen’s eyes linger on his flat,
tan stomach.
“So, truth or dare?” Jensen asks.
“Dare.”
“I dare you to finish that bottle,” Jensen grins.
“That the best you got?”
Jared sits up, his hair flopping back around his face while he knocks the
bottle back, draining it in two swallows. He grimaces a little but licks his
lips slow and obscene.
“Alright, Ackles. Truth or dare?”
“Da-aaare,” Jensen singsongs.
“I dare you to let me take pictures of you on my phone right now.”
“What?” Jensen giggles.  “Why?”
“Wank bank,” Jared says, wiggling his eyebrows.
Jensen snorts.
“No, seriously. You look… there’s something about you tonight,” Jared says,
crawling on hands and knees to get closer to Jensen’s bed. “Please?”
“Okay, yeah,” Jensen says, blinking sleepily. “As long as I don’t have to do
anything.”
“Just lay there and look pretty,” Jared says, getting to his feet with his
phone in his hand.
“My specialty.”
Jared laughs and doesn’t disagree.
Jensen closes his eyes, trying not to be too self-conscious about the fact that
Jared’s looming over his bare torso even if Jared’s seen him like this half a
dozen times or more.
Maybe it’s the booze or just the way the night’s going, but instead of the
shyness he expected to feel, the heat in his stomach makes him bold.
He undoes the button on his jeans one-handed and Jared’s breath catches.
Jensen’s eyes are still closed and he imagines how Jared might be biting down
on his bottom lip, the shutter sound of Jared’s phone camera making him imagine
Jared in snapshots like the ones he’s taking.
He hooks his thumbs in his belt loops and pushes his jeans down a couple
inches, revealing the wiry hair on his lower stomach and his hip bones. 
Click.
Jensen smirks, covering his eyes with his hand.
“I feel like Paris Hilton.”
Click.
“You’re hotter,” Jared assures him, voice tight.
“Yeah?” Jensen asks, arching his back off his bed a bit.
Jared gives what sounds like a muffled groan in response.
Click.
Jared’s hand cups his hip, his thumb running over the curve of bone.
Jensen swats his hand away without opening his eyes. “You didn’t say anything
about touching.”
“My bad, I’ll keep my hands to myself,” Jared says. “I mean, youdon’t have to,
though.”
“Hmm, is it my turn to dare you yet?”
“Sure.”
Click.
“Okay, how ‘bout keeping your hands on yourself and letting me watch?”
Jared blinks. “You serious?”
“What do you think?”
“Okay,” Jared says, exhaling. “But only if you give me a money shot.”
Jensen sighs dramatically and pushes his jeans down further. He covers his eyes
again.
“I swear, if these get around…”
“Relax, they’re for personal use only,” Jared laughs.
 “I’m serious. If I see my dick anywhere besides that phone I’m gonna throttle
you.”
“Scout’s honor.”
Jensen hikes his pants back up and opens his eyes. His lids are heavy and maybe
he’s had a little bit too much to drink.
“Your turn,” he tells Jared.
“Gimme a sec,” Jared says, sitting on Jensen’s desk chair. He bites his lip and
Jensen smiles slow at him, taking his time with his zipper. Jared watches the
whole time.
“Talk me through it.”
“You want me to talk to you while you jerk off?”
“Mmhmm.”
“I’m not gonna tell you what a big cock you have or some shit, just saying.”
Jared grins, slipping a hand down the front of his gym shorts. “That’s okay. I
already know you like it.”
Jensen rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Just get on with the show.”
Jared bites down on his lip, his hand moving steadily in his shorts.
“Pull ‘em down,” Jensen orders.
Jared looks at him with his cheeks flushed and obeys.
He leans back against the chair in just his t-shirt and boxer-briefs, the shape
of him clear through the cotton. There’s a damp spot soaking through the dark
gray fabric and Jensen can’t look away. The wave of heat that washes over him
is relentless, starting somewhere in the balls of his feet and up through his
calves and thighs and cradling warm in his gut.
Jared rubs himself through his boxer-briefs at first, eyes fixed on Jensen,
which has him all but squirming where he sits.
“Go on,” Jensen says, his voice thick.
Jared bites down on his lower lip.
Just then, Jensen’s ringtone blares and his phone vibrates on his desk.
“You gonna get that?” Jared pants.
Jensen shakes his head, knowing it’s Chris.
“Pick it up,” Jared urges, his hand trailing lazily over the bulge in his
underwear.
Jensen hesitates for a moment then reaches for it.
Jared smirks.
“Hello?” Jensen says.
“Hey man, it’s me.”
“I know. What’s up?”
“Kane?” Jared mouths.
Jensen nods.
Jared’s smirk gets wider and his hand moves more firmly over his cock. He’s not
seriously going to—
“Just wanted to hear your voice, I guess,” Chris says. His words come out slow
and sticky and Jensen thinks he’s not the only one who’s had a few drinks
tonight.
“Well, you’re hearing it,” Jensen murmurs, having a hard time focusing on the
conversation because Jared’s mouth is hanging open, his back arching against
the chair as his hand slips down the front of his boxer briefs.
“What’re you up to?”
“Not much,” Jensen says, swallowing. “Just watching some TV.”
“On a weekend when you have homework? That’s unlike you,” Chris says, teasing.
Jared moans low, slipping his underwear down and wrapping his fist around his
dick. Jensen’s struck again by how attractive he finds Jared. He’s never
considered himself all that sexual but his mouth’s watering just from looking
at Jared’s cock, big and blood-flushed.
Jensen bites his lip. “Yeah, I know. I’m just kinda drunk and tired, you know.”
“Yeah, I hear you. Watching anything good?”
Jensen chokes out a laugh. “Yeah, really good.”
Jared smiles which turns into a grimace when Jensen locks eyes with him,
licking his lips and nodding. Jared’s breathing is getting louder, more ragged
as thick, white precome beads at the head of his dick. Watching him fuck his
own fist is almost more than Jensen can stand.
Jensen gets up off the bed and takes a few steps towards Jared, watching him
with the phone still in his hand. He angles the receiver away from his palm and
towards Jared and stares straight into his eyes. They’re hazy and charged with
heat, his gaze unwavering. Jensen studies the swirl of yellow and blue and
green that forms a kind of starburst around his pupils. He loves the way they
slant slightly, made sharp and cunning with the angle of Jared’s cheekbones.
 “Sounds like porn,” Chris says sleepily.
“It might be porn,” Jensen says, still looking at Jared.
“Good porn?”
“The best I’ve seen in a while.”
Jared whimpers softly and Jensen takes another step towards him.
“You getting off?” Chris asks, his tone shifting slightly, his voice getting
rougher.
“Yeah,” Jensen says. “I’m definitely getting off.”
Jensen cups Jared’s chin with his left hand and Jared bites down on his lip to
muffle the noises he can’t seem to stop making.
“It’s one of those exhibitionist porns, you know like in public?” Jensen says.
“Sounds hot.”
“It is,” Jensen agrees. “The guy’s pretty cute. Bit of a twink, though.”
Jared rolls his eyes at him but doesn’t stop or slow down. Jensen strokes
Jared’s jaw and Jared presses his lips to the pad of Jensen’s thumb. Jensen’s
stomach glows with pleasure and he’s hard, wanting to give in when Jared
reaches for his belt but he slaps Jared’s hand away.
“I think he’s close,” Jensen says.
“Yeah?”
“Mhmm. I think he’s gonna come all over his stomach.”
“I don’t really watch gay porn.”
Jensen represses the urge to laugh. Typical jock. He’ll fuck a guy but won’t
admit to watching gay porn. Funny, since he sure seemed to know what he was
doing every time they’d had sex.
Instead he just says, “You should. You have no idea what you’re missing.”
Jared raises pleading eyes to Jensen and Jensen nods, cupping the back of
Jared’s head and wrapping his fingers in his hair. Jared’s face is really close
to his crotch. Jared licks his lips and presses his face into Jensen’s stomach,
inhaling the smell of him and closing his eyes, still biting down hard on his
lip.
“Yeah, he’s about to blow his load,” Jensen says.
Chris says something on the other end of the line but it’s drowned out by the
shuddering groan that pours out of Jared, whose tanned stomach is splattered
with thick come. He collapses against the back of the chair, his chest heaving.
Jensen drags his pointer finger through the warm mess, spreading it around on
Jared’s stomach, Jared’s body trembling underneath his touch. 
“Sorry,” Jensen says. “What was that?”
“Don’t worry about it,” Chris laughs. “I’ll call you tomorrow when you’re less
distracted.”
“Sounds good,” Jensen says. “Bye, Chris.”
He hangs up and looks down at Jared, who’s still panting open-mouthed.
“Jen—”
Jensen lifts his finger to Jared’s mouth and Jared hesitates for a fraction of
a second before taking it between his lips, sucking the taste of himself off
Jensen’s hand. Jensen runs his other hand through Jared’s hair, smooth and soft
against his skin. Jared sighs, contented, pressing his hot cheek to Jensen’s
stomach.
“That was…” Jensen begins.
“Nice,” Jared says, voice muffled as his breath tickles Jensen’s skin.
He laughs, pulling Jared back by the hair. “That tickles.”
Jared grunts in protest, reaching around to put his hands on Jensen’s ass to
pull him in closer again.  “Really wanna—”
“Want to what?” Jensen teases.
“Please, can I… can I at least suck you off?”
His mouth is level with Jensen’s zipper, mirroring the night in the locker room
when Jensen had been on his knees for Jared.
“Y’know, for a straight boy, you really love dick,” Jensen says.
Jared shrugs but doesn’t say anything, his mouth still set in a determined
line.
“Maybe tomorrow, okay? I think I’ve had a little too much to drink.”
It’s not a lie—the room is blurring more and more around the edges and he needs
to chug some water and get to sleep. He’s horny, yeah, but more disoriented
than anything.
He gets down to Jared’s level for a moment to kiss him and Jared’s hungry for
it, submitting when Jensen gets a hand on his shoulder.
Jared nods weakly when they break apart, getting to his feet and retreating to
the bathroom to clean up. He runs the shower and by the time he comes out,
Jensen’s already under the covers with only his bedside lamp still on. He’s
lying close to the edge of the mattress.
 “Here’s a pillow and blanket for you,” he gestures to the makeshift bed on the
floor and Jared obeys, curling up on the carpet. Jensen had considered letting
him sleep in his bed with him, but thought it wouldn’t be a good idea in case
he had to get up to pee in the middle of the night ten times, as was usual when
he drank. Besides, Jared being roughly ten feet tall, he might want his own
space and the twin would only fit both of them if they spooned the whole night.
Jensen turns the light out and closes his eyes. He lies in the dark for a
while, then drops an arm off the side of his bed. His fingers find the soft,
damp mess of Jared’s hair and he keeps them there until he falls asleep,
Jared’s heavy breathing steady in the quiet.

*****
 
Chris calls him again the next night while he’s doing reading for Dinwiddie’s
class. They talk about Jensen’s classes and Chris asks when he’s coming home
again.
It still gives Jensen goosebumps to think what he and Jared did the night
before when he picks up the phone.
“I’m not sure. I’ve got a lot of homework.”
“You sure it’s homework keeping you there?” Chris asks, his tone neutral.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jensen asks, rubbing his eyes. He really
doesn’t need this right now.
“You haven’t returned my calls for a while, is all.”
“I know, I’ve been meaning to. You know how school here gets.”
“Yeah, I do. I just wanted to make sure we’re still on the same page. I’m
thinkin’ maybe it’s time I met this Padalecki kid.”
“It’s not… I mean, I don’t think—”
“What?” Chris laughs. “It’ll be fine.”
“I just don’t think you guys would get along, that’s all.”
“You think I’m gonna try to protect your honor or something?” Chris asks.
Jensen can practically hear the smirk in his voice. 
Jensen’s not actually sure he has a lot of honor left to defend anyways, but
Chris doesn’t know that.
“What’s he like?” Chris asks.
“Uh, well, he plays sports and he’s tall, and stuff.”
“Okay, then. We’ll have a pickup game at Eldridge, like old times. I’ll call up
some of the guys from the team and we’ll see what happens, eh?”
“Chris, I don’t—”
“It’ll be fine,” Chris assures him. “Just a friendly game. I wanna know the kid
you’ve been spending so much time with.”
Jensen bristles. “Look, Chris, I really don’t think this is a good idea and I
don’t know why you’re going all macho all of a sudden.”
“You really need to relax, Jen,” Chris laughs.
“You know what? Maybe you two willget along,” Jensen mutters. “If I get told to
‘relax’ one more time, I’m gonna—”
“What? Beat me up?” Chris says.
“You better watch yourself. I know where you sleep.”
“Yeah, but you sleep there too.” Jensen can hear the grin in his tone.
“Whatever,” Jensen says. “If you wanna have your little macho pissing contest,
go for it. Don’t expect any special treatment.”
“What’s that mean?”
“I mean that he’s still my… friend, too.”
“Right,” Chris grunts. “Anyways, I’ll swing by Eldridge after I take the dog to
the vet. Sound good?”
“Sure,” Jensen says. “Whatever you want.”
“Saturday, around noon?”
“Can’t wait,” Jensen says and hangs up before Chris can say goodbye.
He rubs his eyes and chucks the paperback across his room, falling into bed
with a huff.
This weekend is going to fucking suck.
 
*****
 
There must not be anything else going on at Eldridge on Saturday, because there
are a good dozen or so people hanging around the stands when Jensen arrives
wearing a hoodie and jeans against the morning autumn chill.
Jared’s on the sideline, talking to Katie Cassidy when he catches sight of
Jensen. He jogs over, wearing a white and blue Cowboys jersey and a grin.
“Hey, Ackles. Hope you don’t mind I invited some people to watch.”
“Whatever. This wasn’t my idea,” Jensen grumbles. He’s just noticed Genevieve
sitting on the bleachers, her long hair blowing gently in the breeze as she
laughs at something Danneel said. Danneel’s smiling down at her, and for the
first time Jensen wonders how he didn’t see it before—the way she looks at
Genevieve.
Danneel’s auburn hair is pulled back and she’s wearing an Eldridge Girls’
Soccer sweatshirt and shorts, managing to look effortlessly pretty with only a
little makeup on.
A group of guys come strolling up the sidewalk, dressed in jerseys from both
Eldridge and NFL teams. Matt Cohen and Steve Carlson are walking a little ahead
of Lafferty, Chad and Tom, Matt with a football tucked under his arm.
“’Bout time,” Jared calls, lobbing his own football in a long arc to Chad. He
catches it against his chest with a grunt as his breath rushes out of him.
“Good morning to you too, dickweed.”
“Murray, you’re always so charming at this time of day,” Matt says, laughing.
“When’s Kane getting here? I haven’t seen that motherfucker in like, three
years.”
They all look at Jensen, whose ears go hot. What exactly did Jared tell them
that makes him the expert on Chris Kane?
“Should be soon,” he shrugs, trying to act nonchalant.
“Get out on the field, I’ll catch up in a minute,” Jared tells the other guys.
When they’re alone, Jared reaches out to touch his arm the same way he did all
those weeks ago outside Jensen’s dorm the first time they’d had a civil
conversation.
“You okay?” He asks.
“Yeah,” Jensen sighs. “I just really didn’t want this to turn into some kind
of…” he trails off, sighing again.
“Measuring contest?” Jared provides with an eyebrow raised.
“Yeah, that exactly.”
“He knows we’re not… right?”
“I mean, I don’t think he believes it, really, but I told him we’re not, like,
a thing.”
“So then why aren’t you going out with him?” Jared asks abruptly. He’s looking
at a spot on the field somewhere over Jensen’s shoulder.
Jensen bristles. “We’re not gonna talk about this right now—”
“Why not? Now’s as good a time as any. I mean, if he wants you that badly he
would’ve said something by now, right?”
“Jared—”
“I know you liked the guy.”
“So what?” Jensen hisses. He really hopes no one notices the way their bodies
seem to turn towards each other automatically when they’re not paying
attention. He takes a step back to put some space between them.
“I just don’t want you to get hurt, or anything,” Jared says.
Jensen blinks.
“I mean, he left before, didn’t he?”
“Are you… are you for real right now?” Jensen says around a laugh.
“What?” Jared shrugs, frowning.
“Why, Jared, I didn’t know you cared,” Jensen snorts.
Jared looks sheepish for a second before play-shoving Jensen. “Shut up.”
Jensen smiles and pushes Jared back, oddly touched. Jared catches his arm as
Jensen makes to pull away, laughing.
Just then, Chris’ old truck growls to a stop at the curb. Jensen breaks out of
Jared’s grip automatically, already blushing.
“Great,” Jared mutters.
“Play nice. He’s a good guy,” Jensen scolds him.
The door of Chris’ truck creaks shut and he waves to Jensen, wearing a beat-up
leather coat over his t-shirt and Adidas pants.
Jensen waves back and Jared doesn’t say a word as Chris walks up to them.
Jensen can feel the testosterone roaring before Jared and Chris even say a
word. Chris’ mouth is set in a straight line and Jared’s shoulders are squared,
making him look broader and older.
“Jared,” he says, grinning his biggest, whitest smile and extending his hand to
Chris. “Padalecki.”
“Chris Kane,” Chris says, shaking Jared’s hand. “I think I remember you,
actually. Didn’t you sit on the bench when you were a freshman?”
Jensen rolls his eyes, but neither of them acknowledge it. A flush creeps up
Jared’s neck, though his smile doesn’t waver.
“Yeah, I did for a while. I was involved with some other teams, so…”
“Right, right. Yeah, man, it’s cool to meet you. Again,” Chris laughs.
“Yeah, likewise,” Jared exhales, his smile tight. “I was thinking we could do a
four vee four.”
“Sounds good. Full contact?”
“Bet your ass.”
Chris smiles back. “Perfect.”
Jensen feels bad for hoping that they’ll knock each other out in the first five
minutes, but honestly, this is stupid. What could Chris possibly hope to gain
by doing this? And why the hell had Jared gone along with it?
The two of them walk towards the stands, talking and smiling breezily, though
they walk oddly close together and seem to be trying to “out-polite” each
other, Chris insisting that Jared have first pick.
Jared picks James to Chad’s obvious annoyance.
“Best friends, right,”he complains.
“Shut up, Murray, or I won’t pick you at all.”
Chris eyes the group of guys and selects Steve Carlson. The two exchange one of
those bro-handshakes Jensen has never understood.
Eventually, Chad is on Jared’s team, while Tom goes to Chris’.  Matt follows
Tom to Chris, and Jared calls out, “C’mon Ackles, you’re on my team.”
Jensen does a double take from his spot on the bleachers next to Misha. “Me?”
“You know anyone else named Ackles? Get your ass out here and play.”
“I, uh, don’t really know how?” Jensen says, his face turning red. All the
spectators are looking at him now, and he really wishes Jared would be a little
more discreet.
“He doesn’t play,” Chris nods, only making it worse. Having twopeople speak for
him is fairly unbearable.
Jensen’s watched football on TV with Chris and that’s about the extent of his
experience. He understands the goal is to run to the end of the field with the
ball without getting knocked out. Beyond that he has no idea what the rules
are.
He opens his mouth to tell both of them to find someone else, but, thankfully,
Danneel shoulders past him on her way to come to his rescue.
“Chill, Padalecki. I can fill in for him.”
Tom shoots her a dubious look.
“You sure? We’re playing full contact.”
Danneel laughs in his face. “Jesus, this isn’t the 1950’s. I won’t break.”
Tom flushes and mutters something about “your funeral,” but Jensen’s pretty
sure Danneel knows what she’s doing. A lot better than he would, anyways.
Besides, Jensen has work to do.
As the guys and Danneel get into positions on the field, Jensen retreats to the
sidelines with Misha and his laptop bag.
“Thanks for doing this, Mish.”
Jared, Chad, Danneel and James line up opposite Tom, Matt, Chris, and Steve.
“You know I don’t like to mess with people like this,” Misha says.
“I do know, so I appreciate it. I can’t wait to see that smug prick’s face when
he realizes he’s losing his crown,” Jensen sighs dreamily.
Misha’s doing him a favor by installing a log that tracks Tom’s activity
without Jensen having to do anything. He’s too busy with school, Chris, and
Jared to devote the attention that ruining Tom Welling’s life deserves and the
log is a neat fix.
“There’s more than this, you know,” Misha says.
It doesn’t feel like it. Three years at Eldridge and it’s become his life. He
doesn’t even have friends outside, except Chris, and he graduated from Eldridge
anyways.
“Yeah. College is going to be so different.”
He’ll have to meet new people, start all over again. Build his way up from
scratch, find a job…
“I didn’t mean college.”
“What did you mean, then?”
Misha shrugs, his fingers splayed in the grass. “I meant everything. We can do
anything.Right now this seems like the only option but there’sso much more.”
Jensen sort of gets where he’s going, but doesn’t have much to contribute on
the subject. He’s going to an Ivy League school, just like the rest of his
peers. He’ll graduate, maybe work for the government, maybe not, and then…
He’ll figure the rest out when he gets there.
“Ruining Tom’s chances aren’t going to change anything for you, you know that,
right?”
Jensen shrugs. “It still makes me feel better. The guy’s a dick.”
“So what? There are a lot of dicks at this school.” Misha looks pointedly at
Jensen. And then extra-pointedly at Jared.
“C’mon, Mish. Tom sucks and you know it.”
“Maybe,” Misha says noncommittally. “But this is stupid. And so is this game.”
“You’re telling me.”
“This whole fighting over you thing is pretty childish.”
Jensen colors, pulling at the grass.  “I know. I didn’t ask them to.”
“So tell them what you want. Or whoyou want.”
“It’s not that simple, Mish,” Jensen growls. “Chris is just doing this to make
Jared look stupid, and Jared’s doing this to make himself look good in front of
me and Genevieve at the same time. It’s not even really about me.”
Misha rolls his eyes. “You’d save yourself a lot of headaches if you just
dropped both of them.”
“Well, yeah. But they’re both… y’know. Really, really hot.”
Misha rolls his eyes again, harder this time, and the two of them watch Jared
and Chris pelt down the field.
“You done yet?” Jensen asks, his eyes still on Jared.
He looks at home on the field, taller than the other guys and just the right
shade of tan in the autumn sun. 
Misha just snorts and keeps typing.
From what Jensen can tell, Chris’ team is winning. He turns towards the stands,
squinting and frowning when he realizes Jensen isn’t there. Jensen gives him a
small wave from the sidelines and Chris smiles, casting a look at Jared.
Jensen drops his hand back to his side immediately, furious.
Thankfully, Jared seems unfazed, taking his time bringing the ball back to the
line and ignoring Chris.
The two teams line up again and as soon as the ball is in Chris’ hands, Jared
takes Tom down. The kids on the bleachers cheer as Jared slams into him,
knocking both of them off their feet. Jensen’s grinning, too, getting caught up
in all the excitement.
Tom’s up in Jared’s face and Jensen’s legs work automatically, pulling him to
his feet, but it’s not like he can do anything except watch as Jared squares
his shoulders and shoves Tom back.
Everyone’s crowded around them, words getting lost in a general uproar as the
two tall boys stare each other down. Jensen would put his money on Jared any
day, but Tom’s big too, just as much muscle as Padalecki.
Jensen’s heart hammers in his chest. Neither of them backs down.
And then Chad and Danneel are dragging Jared away while he spits curses at Tom.
Tom, meanwhile, is in Chris’ headlock and isn’t going anywhere.
The kids on the stands have stopped giggling and gossiping. Half of them are
standing, a few catcalling, others scared. Genevieve’s frozen in place,
watching the scene open-mouthed.
It’s a tense few moments while Chad talks Jared down. Padalecki’s chest is
heaving with each breath, little plumes of steam coming from his mouth. His
cheeks are blotched red and he’s nodding at whatever Chad’s saying.
Jensen’s never seen him lose it like that. He’s a hothead, sure, but usually he
does that infuriating thing where he laughs shit off like it’s no big deal.
Like he can’t be bothered with being offended by anyone because it’s not worth
the effort.
Tom’s out of Chris’ death grip and hobbling to retrieve the ball. Jared must’ve
tackled him too hard by the way he’s walking. Jensen wouldn’t put it past him.
Once he’s sure no punches are being thrown, Jensen steps back and admires the
view.
Jared’s Cowboys jersey is rucked up, his shorts hanging low off his hips from
tumbling in the grass. Jensen can see the stripe of his boxers’ waistband from
here. Probably some preppy, overpriced mall brand. His elbows are scraped raw.
And here he was, thinking football was boring.
The ball’s set up again, Chad playing quarterback for Jared’s side. Tom and
Jared glare daggers at each other until the ball is snapped.
Jared bursts from the line, cutting through Chris, Tom, and Matt to pelt down
the field. But Tom’s right on his tail. He receives a decent throw from Chad,
about to sprint for the end zone when Tom’s full weight crashes into him, a
reverse replay of the tackle Jared had used on him two minutes before.
The two crumple to the field for a second time. Jensen’s furious and that’s
before he realizes Jared’s not getting up.
Instead of Tom crumpled in the grass, it’s Jared. This time it’s absolutely
silent because everyone heard the crackas he went down. There’s no rush towards
Jared and Tom. Everyone’s too busy staring, waiting for Jared to get up. But he
doesn’t.
 Jared’s not moving at all. Maybe out cold. It’s weird to see that huge mass of
energy totally stationary for once, no stupid grin on his face.
Chris is at his side, kneeling and stricken, the cocky smile from earlier wiped
clean away.
Genevieve breaks the stillness, rushing off the bleachers to Jared.
Jensen’s not sure why he didn’t think to do that. It’s just that he can’t move;
can only watch the scene unfold. He’s aware of Misha going to help and
recognizes that he should, too.
Only his legs don’t seem to work, and he watches, frozen to the spot.
“Call 911!” Genevieve screams.
 
 
***** Eleven *****
                I don't understand about complementary colors
                              And what they say
                      Side by side they both get bright
                         Together they both get gray

                       But he's been pretty much yellow
                           And I've been kinda blue
                             But all I can see is
                         Red, red, red, red, red now
                              What am I gonna do?
 
Jensen doesn’t visit Jared in the hospital.
He has no idea what to say or do, and by the time he finally decides to man up
and at least textthe guy, Jared’s back at school. Seeing him in the hallways is
a bright spot on Monday, like he’d been going through the previous week half-
asleep and had only just woken up.
“Miss me?” Jared grins.
“You wish.”
“You didn’t visit, Ackles,” Jared says, pouting.
Jensen shrugs. “Didn’t think it would matter.”
The truth is, he’d been pretty shaken up after watching an ambulance take Jared
away. Even though the paramedics had told them he’d be alright, it was hard to
see someone like him in a stretcher. He’d always seemed untouchable. Seeing
Jared in a hospital bed would’ve only made him feel worse.
Chris had apologized to Jensen a dozen times about the game, but it hadn’t sunk
in until he heard from Danneel that Jared was awake and complaining again. He
knew it wasn’t Chris’ fault, but giving him the silent treatment for a few days
had given him a sense of savage pleasure. He’d finally called him back last
night and they’d had a friendly, if a little too polite, conversation before
bed.
“Course it would’ve. Would rather have had you spoon-feeding me than some of
those nurses, lemme tell ya.” Jared shudders dramatically.
“Glad to know you soldiered through the pain,” Jensen says, drily.
“Every day was a struggle,” Jared sighs. “But I managed.”
“So what’s the diagnosis? You gonna live to douche up another day?”
“Motherfucker broke my collarbone. I’m stuck in this sling for six weeks at
least—at least it’s my left side or we’d be in real trouble.”
“You’re such a perv.” Jensen tries to sneer but ends up laughing. Life without
Jared’s right hand would probably be pretty tragic for bothof them.
“Look on the bright side, Ackles. Everyone’s gonna hate him for what he did. He
made a real dick of himself out there.”
“Well, yeah, but he broke your collarbone,”Jensen hisses.  “You’re off the team
for what, the rest of the season?”
“Yeah. I am,” Jared mumbles, looking away. “Not like I was gonna be eligible
anyways.”
Jensen gets it. He’d be pissed, too. Which is why he’s going to make sure Tom
pays.
“And my dad came up to visit me for once so that was cool,” Jared says.
“Your dad?”
“Yeah, he’s up here for business so it was kind of a good time for me to end up
in the hospital, y’know. My mom was thinking about coming up too, but I talked
her out of it.”
“How come?”
“I’m going home for Thanksgiving so soon, I figured it was pointless. Besides,
I wasn’t really interested in dealing with any family drama while I was
strapped to a bed and unable to bail if things got dicey.” Jared laughs.
Jensen laughs, too, but he’s pretty sure Jared’s only half joking.
 
*****
 
Thanksgiving break is fast approaching and with it the scramble towards the end
of the semester. Jensen has four papers due on his return and two tests to take
before he leaves.
Sophia spends Thanksgiving with Jensen’s family every year, since her own are
too busy with work and being Manhattan socialites to celebrate it with a sit-
down dinner or anything approximating an actual family get-together. Mostly it
ends with Sophia’s parents taking potshots at each other from across the table
while Sophia sneaks rum from the basement bar into her sodas. So, any chance
she gets to avoid her family, Sophia takes.
Jensen’s looking forward to getting drunk with Sophia on Moscato and eating
turkey and watching horror movies between the mountain of reading he has for
class, which is why he’s more than a little surprised when Sophia stops by his
room after class, her mouth twisted into a frown.
“Can I talk to you?” She asks.
“Well, I dunno. When you say it like that…”
Sophia gives a weak attempt at a smile and then composes herself. He recognizes
her serious face and suddenly isn’t feeling so cheerful.
He invites her inside and she doesn’t bother to sit down before she starts
talking.
“Jensen, this whole Tom thing needs to stop. You’re both getting stupid over
it. Jared already got hurt and it could’ve been a lot worse.”
“Stop? Now?” Jensen gapes. “After that?”
Sophia stares at him. “You do realize that’s my whole point, right?”
“No. I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”
“I’m saying you’re both in too deep. Tom’s seriously pissed off and it’s only a
matter of time before something goes wrong.”
“We can handle Tom, alright? Let us worry about it.”
Sophia scoffs. “I’m not worriedabout you, Jen. The day you don’t watch your own
ass is the day I drop counter-point.”
“Okay, so?”
“So, just… stop, okay? Let it go already. It’s getting totally middle school.”
Sophia doesn’t get it. Tom’s a massive prick and needed to be put in his place
and that was beforehe’d broken Jared’s collarbone.
“You were the one who said he deserved whatever was coming to him.”
“I know. I know he sucks, I know you hate him. But Jenny…”
“What?” Jensen snarls.
“I think everyone gets the point you guys are trying to make. Tom’s a dick. You
win, okay?”
“You think I’m trying to make a point?”
Sophia rubs her arms like she’s cold even though his dorm’s heating is on the
fritz and the room is sweltering.
“I don’t know, Jensen.”
“Well I’m not, okay?”
“Then what areyou doing?”
“I’m just… It’s not that serious, alright?”
“Sure,” Sophia nods. She’s biting the inside of her cheek.
“Anyways,” Jensen says, clearing his throat. “What time am I picking you up on
Friday?”
Sophia takes a deep breath.
“Jen, I can’t make it for Thanksgiving this year.”
Jensen blinks. “What, you’re going home?”
“No, I’m…” Sophia clears her throat. “I’m going to Danneel’s this year. She’s
got family in Virginia, so I thought it’d be fun to visit them with her.”
“You’re not coming to my place. You’re going to Danneel’s,” Jensen repeats
stupidly.
“Yeah, Jen. I’m sorry.”
“Did I do something?”
“It’s not… I just think we should spend some time apart, that’s all. And I’d
really like to meet Danneel’s family.”
“So I did do something.”
Sophia opens her mouth and closes it, then tries again. He’s never known her to
be at a loss for words. “Jensen, I think we’re sort of—drifting, I guess.”
“Drifting?” Jensen repeats.
“We just seem to want different things lately.”
“Um, I want to be friends. With you. That’s what I want,” Jensen says.
“I know. I want that, too. But I want to go with Danneel this year, and maybe
when we’re back from break, we’ll be on the same page again.”
“Okay?” Jensen says, brow furrowed. “Does this mean I’m going to get the silent
treatment?”
“No,” Sophia says. “But I’d appreciate having some space.”
Jensen watches the one person he thought would always have his back walk away,
and he actually has no fucking clue what he’s supposed to do about it or how it
even happened.
 
*****

Jensen’s lying on his back with his phone held up to his ear. He’d been on the
verge of falling asleep with The Metamorphosisstill open inches from his face
when Jared called. They’d messed around a little after class that day, but it’d
been the first time he’d seen Jared in a week and they’d had to be careful of
Jared’s sling, resulting in some very awkward make-out positions.
Now, the pre-exam rush is starting to catch up to him and he’s more than ready
for a week of quiet at home. Thankfully, Eldridge doesn’t have a full week of
class, though every day drags by and adds more to his post-break workload.
“What about you, you set to go home?” he asks Jared.
“No, actually. My flight’s not gonna happen because of the weirdly shitty
weather in Atlanta where I’m getting my connection. I’ll probably be stuck here
for Thanksgiving.”
Jared sounds oddly put out. Jensen never figured him for the “home for the
holidays” type, thought he’d rather throw themed keggers at off-campus houses
with the other students who stayed.
“Well, it so happens I need a favor,” Jensen says.
 “Again, Ackles? Jeez.”
“Not that kind of favor. I’m going home and I need someone to make me look like
I’m cool and have friends or something, okay?”
“Are you saying you think I’m cool?”
Jensen scowls. “No, but there’s a blowjob in it for you if you’re really well
behaved.”
Jared groans and Jensen hears the smile in his voice. “The magic words.”
“My mom expects me to bring someone home for break, and Sophia’s not gonna be
able to make it this year. So, if you want to…”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay.”
“Really?”
“What else am I gonna do? Pretty much everyone else is going home.”
“Alright, so I’ll see you on Wednesday?”
“Yeah,” Jared says. “Should I bring lube?”
Jensen tells him he can go fuck himself and hangs up, but he’s sort of hoping
that he will.
               
*****
 
At long last, Wednesday rolls around and Jared beeps his horn outside Jensen’s
dorm in a long, drawn-out blast.
“Prick,” Jensen mutters, dragging his duffel bag, laptop case, and backpack
down the stairs and staggering through the front door.
“Got enough shit?” Jared calls, jogging to the door to help him and taking
Jensen’s duffel.
“My hero,” Jensen grunts as he passes it off.
Jared loads his stuff into the trunk while Jensen climbs into Jared’s Tahoe,
which, like everything else about Jared, is huge. The interior looks brand new
and spotlessly clean.
“It was this year’s birthday present,” Jared explains. “So don’t put your feet
on the dash or anything.”
“Thiswas your present?”
Jared shrugs.
“This school,” Jensen mutters as Jared maneuvers the car out of the parking
lot.
Jared drives like a maniac but he at least listens to good music.
“Who is this?” Jensen asks.
“My Morning Jacket,” Jared replies and cranks the volume. “You like?”
Jensen does indeed like. They’re a perfect mix of country and rock, the
particular song playing blended with an air of mystery and a touch of groove.
“This album’s called “Z.” They’ve had others since but this one’s my favorite.”
Jared hums along and sings softly with the crescendo.
You had me worried
so worried that this would last…
Jensen smiles and glances out the window. When people start signing in front of
him he’s never sure if he’s supposed to join in or sit there and grin like an
idiot until they finish. He usually goes with the second.
But now I’m learning
learning that this would pass.
A guitar solo kicks in and Jensen’s sort of in love with everything about the
band and the way Jared can actually kinda carry a tune, his drawl more
pronounced to match the slight accent of the singer who Jared says is called
Jim James.
“Is Kane gonna be around for Thanksgiving?”
“What?”
“Chris Kane, y’know, your hot, football playing boyfriend.”
“’S not my boyfriend,” Jensen mutters.
“Well, is he home or not?”
“I dunno.”
Jared snorts but drops the subject. For about two minutes.
“So who’s better?”
“What?” Jensen chokes again.
Things had been going so well. Stupid of him to think he could spend time alone
with Jared without it turning into some kind of fucked up competition.
“You heard me.”
“None of your business. Besides, it’s different. Totally different.”
“C’mon, Ackles, I won’t be offended. Just curious.”
“What the fuck kind of loaded question is that, seriously?” Jensen snaps. “Not
like we’vefucked, anyways.”
“So you arescrewing Chris,” Jared grins in triumph.
“I—” Jensen really doesn’t want to go in detail with Jared. Things work as they
are and no one needs to make them uncomfortable. He wouldn’t want to know about
Jared and Genevieve get up to when they’re together.
“It’s fine, man. I get it. First love and all that,” Jared shoots him a
sideways glance, grin stretching wider.
“It’s not—I’mnot— Fuck you, Padalecki.”
Jensen crosses his arms and stares moodily out the window while Jared laughs
and laughs.
 
*****
 
Josh hasn’t been home for Thanksgiving two years in a row, preferring to spend
it with his girlfriend’s family in Boston, but this is the first time Mack
isn’t home for Thanksgiving and it’s weird to come home to an almost empty
house. Donna told him over the phone that she was going to the mountains with a
friend from school to camp and horseback ride and stay in some expensive lodge.
Jensen dumps his bag near the door and motions for Jared to do the same.
“Mom?”
“TV room, Jen!”
She’s on the couch, grading a stack of terrifyingly thick essays and watching
outdated episodes of Jeopardy.
“Mom, this is Jared.”
Jensen’s not really sure what he’s supposed to do but Jared saunters straight
past him to the couch and shakes Donna’s hand with his good arm.
“Hi, I’m Jared Padalecki.”
He gives her dimples and all. Jensen’s half-impressed, half murderous, but his
mom isn’t a college professor for nothing—she can see through bullshit faster
than Jensen’s ever been able to spin it.
Which is why Jensen stands there with his mouth hanging open when she smiles
back and gives him a firm handshake in return.
“Call me Donna. We’re glad to have you, Jared Padalecki.”
Jared laughs and flops down on the couch next to her.
“So what’s the category?”
“US Geography—wait, listen.”
“This city some 30 miles west of Dallas began as an army post on the Trinity
River.”
“Ah, man. I should know this,” Jared’s brow furrows.
“So should we, really,” Donna says.
Jared scoffs. “You guys know everything.”
“Well whatever city it is probably isn’t far from where we used to live. Right,
Jen?”
“You used to live in—? It’s Fort Worth!” Jared interrupts his own question and
slaps his hand down on the arm of the couch. “I bet you anything.”
Jensen’s still staring at his mother and friend(?).
A man with thick glasses and a terrible comb over buzzes in.
“What is Fort Worth?”
Jared whoops out loud.
“Nice,” Donna nods, impressed.
“I’ll just leave you two to it then,” Jensen says flatly.
Donna laughs and pulls him over to the couch. He ends up sandwiched between his
mother and Jared with Jared’s elbow jabbing him in the chest every time he
shifts his weight, which is often since the kid can’t fucking sit still.
“No Sophia this year?”
Jared glances at him and Jensen tries not to fidget too much.
“She, uh, decided to go early.”
“That’s a shame. I would’ve liked to hear her two cents on the election.”
“Try two dollars,” Jensen mutters. “Trust me, we’re better off if you value
your sleep pattern. Although, this one runs his mouth about as much.”
“Hey now,” Jared says with mock offense. “I’ll shut up when you stop hanging on
my every word.”
               
*****  
 
Jared and Jensen help Donna with the meal as much as she’ll let them. It turns
out Jared’s pretty handy with a carving knife and they all help themselves to
steaming plates of food.
They eat turkey and stuffing and Jensen’s mom even lets them have a glass of
Merlot each. Jensen can barely stand the taste but gulps it down anyways to
feel like an adult. Jared sips his and talks with his mouth half full which
would usually drive Jensen up a wall if he wasn’t kinda buzzed and Jared wasn’t
so damn adorable.
“You have any brothers or sisters, Jared?” Donna asks.
Jensen should be happy about the fact that Donna’s warmed to Jared so easily,
but all he manages is a dull annoyance. Everyonelikes Jared. Shithead.
“One of each. Older brother, Jeff, and younger sister, Megan.”
It’s pretty bad that Jensen’s only finding this stuff out now. He just never
thought to ask.
Once they’ve finished eating, Jared refuses to let Jensen’s mom do the dishes
and suddenly his life feels so much like a holiday rom-com he’d probably puke,
except he just ate some seriously good food and would rather hang on to it.
Donna goes back to grading papers, leaving the two of them alone.
“You know I’m not helping you, right?” Jensen yawns and stretches in his chair.
“Yeah, yeah,” Jared waves him off and starts scrubbing the plates clean in the
sink. “You never told me you’re from Texas,” he says over his shoulder.
“Never came up,” Jensen shrugs. What with the jerking each other off and making
out, detailed personal backgrounds hadn’t made it into the conversation.
“What part?”
“Outside Dallas.”
He stopped thinking of it as home a long time ago. He doesn’t like Pennsylvania
much more, yet most of his happy memories were formed here.
“No shit? My family lives in San Antonio.”
“I know.”
“What do you mean you know?”
“Everyone knows,” Jensen says. “Your grandfather’s a politician down there,
right?”
“Yeah, he’s a real dickhead. Wonder what he’d think if he knew his football
playing, lady killing grandson was fucking around with a dude?”
“But who could blame you when I’m so exceptionally good-looking?”
“Whatever, Ackles.” Jared laughs and fills up the rest of the pots and pans
with water to soak. “Is the game on?”
“You’re asking the wrong guy.”
They relocate to the living room, kept warm by the embers still glowing in the
fireplace.
As a mark of respect Jensen allows Jared to have control of the remote and
doesn’t bitch too much when he turns on the NFL game.
“Alright, Philly versus Dallas!” Jared punches the air with his good arm.
“Don’t you have a conflict of loyalty?” Jensen asks with an arched eyebrow.
“Pfft, as if. Cowboys all the way. How ‘bout you?”
“I like the green uniforms better,” Jensen decides while trying to keep his
eyes open.
Jared waves him off. “Yeah, yeah.”
Jensen still doesn’t really get football, but he can at least appreciate it for
Jared’s sake—or rather that he loves the game even after he broke a bone
playing it. That takes some dedication.
Jared falls asleep splayed out on the couch thirty minutes later with his mouth
hanging open. Jensen smiles in spite of himself and slips away, padding into
the kitchen for some coffee.
Donna’s made some progress on the mountain of essays, but not all that much.
“Hey sweetie. Where’s your friend?”
“Tryptophan coma,” Jensen tells her as he pulls up a chair.
“I’ll take that as a mark of a job well done, then.”
Jensen nods and glances down at the papers she’s grading.
“Looks like some pretty heavy stuff.”
“Organic Chem isn’t everyone’s favorite,” Donna agrees, adding a large red “D”
to the top of the page with a flourish. “At least this kid’s passing.”
Jensen clears his throat. “Mom, do you like what you do? Your life?”
Donna looks up at him.
“Why do you ask?”
“I, uh… I never thought to ask you before. If you’re happy, I mean.”
Donna nods. “I am. Most of the time.”
“Seriously. You’re doing what you want, right?”
“There’s always stuff you look back on and wish you could change. Spending more
time with Josh before he went to school. Not being so hard on you.”
“You’ve never been hard on me. It’s always been me being hard on me.”
“You learned it from someone and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t your father.”
Jensen clams up automatically. “Guess not. I barely remember him most days.”
Donna nods. “I’m sorry about that. He was a good guy.”
Jensen crosses his arms.
“Jensen, you know he never meant to… abandon you, or anything. Or Josh, or
Mack. He let you come with me because we thought it was for the best. I was the
one with the grants and the research honors and money.”
“I know.”
Jensen does know. She’s told him before that Alan didn’tbail on them, no matter
what Jensen thinks. It was a mutual split, and while they weren’t hostile
towards each other, they definitely didn’t call each other to chat. It’s not
like Jensen really misses him because, like he told his mom, he doesn’t
remember him.
Donna’s never talked about her marriage like this. He guesses it has something
to do with the fact that it’s a holiday and she’s had her fair share of wine.
“Alan never wanted things like this. I just didn’t know how to stop or slow
down long enough to see that things weren’t going to fix themselves.”
Jensen swirls the coffee in his mug.
“I just—love isn’t a contest, Jensen. Don’t ever make the mistake I did.”
“What mistake?” Jensen asks, swallowing. The mistake of having kids? Having
him?
“Don’t think that you can’t trust other people to know what’s best once in a
while. Especially the people you love. Let them in, and trust them. Learn that
compromise isn’t the same thing as folding.”
“What do you mean?” Jensen asks, eyes still fixed on his coffee.
“You know your dad and I worked together,” Donna says. “And things got
complicated.”
“With the lab research at Penn State?”
“With everything. When he said he wanted to take time off from the study, I
treated it like he was backing off from us. You know I loved that job so much.
I never thought for a second that maybe I was too invested; that I cared so
much about the study because it was what I needed to feel successful.
I thought he wasn’t being serious about our project—the work we’d done
together. I didn’t realize he was unhappy, I didn’t see that he wanted to put
the focus on us, and our family.”
“He wanted you to stop the study?”
“Not even that. He just wanted me to take a little more time off. Back then it
was like asking me to cut my own foot off.”
Jensen smiles in spite of himself. “I know how you feel about the lab.”
“Still, it wasn’t worth my marriage. Worth you missing out on having a dad,”
Donna says, her voice catching in her throat. “I think you and I have that in
common, Jen. We just don’t know how to let go sometimes.”
“Yeah.” Jensen pulls his sleeves up his arms until they cover his cold hands.
He gathers the fabric in his fists and doesn’t look at her. “But don’t you
think he was being unfair, too? Asking you to stop?”
“Maybe,” Donna says. “But I never thought we’d actually split up over it.”
She blinks as though she’s only just realizing what she’s saying. “I’m sorry,
honey. I didn’t mean to put all that on you.”
Jensen nods. He gets it but he still regrets asking. He feels sick with knowing
too much. When he was a kid, he listened to his mom talk about Alan and could
take it. He could hate his dad because it didn’t matter. He only saw him once
in a handful of years anyways.
It’s good that she’s being honest with him and has come to terms with her
failed relationship, but now he understands what she’s saying all too well.
He’s more than okay with the idea he might end up alone, like Donna. Even if it
were legal, getting hitched would likely be a catastrophe for him. Besides
that, he’s terrible with kids and he likes his own space.
Still, there are some things Jensen wants to believe in—namely that things will
work out.If he puts in effort, he’ll get a return. That’s how his world works.
He’ll get the grades he needs, he’ll get the job he wants, and things will fall
into place.
People are different, though.
People leave and people expect things that he doesn’t know how to give; isn’t
ready to give, and might not ever be because he’s difficult and selfish and a
little bit afraid, too.
He’s running out of time to figure things out and it scares him shitless.
Donna sighs. “I’m happy you’re making more friends, Jensen. I was never very
good at it.”
She probably wouldn’t be as happy if she knew that Jared made him come in class
and miss a lecture. Or that their friendship or whatever it was had only formed
after he’d blown Jared in the boy’s locker room. Or even that he’s still kinda
sorta seeing another guy on the side or that Sophia’s not speaking to him. But
hey, details. Jensen’s not about to disillusion her.
“I’m gonna call it a night. See you in the morning.” She piles the essays
together and ruffles his hair before she goes upstairs.
Jensen sits alone at the table for a few minutes, thinking.
Jared’s still asleep on the couch, his face tucked into the back with his
injured arm cradled close to his chest. He mumbles when Jensen shakes him
awake.
“Whass happ—”
He doesn’t finish his question. Jensen kisses him hard, pushes his tongue in
without waiting for Jared to wake up. He tastes slightly stale from sleep and
Jensen crushes into him, rubbing himself all over Jared.
Jared grunts and gasps, reaching for Jensen’s shoulder to steady himself.
“Jen—”
Jensen shakes his head frantically and sucks on Jared’s bottom lip. He wants to
be inside Jared—wants Jared inside him,wants warmth and skin and hot and wet—
Jared uses his left hand to push Jensen back gently, ignoring Jensen’s whimper
when he does.
“Hey,” he mumbles. “What’s up?”
He reaches down from the couch to cup Jensen’s jaw and runs his thumb over his
lips. Jensen opens up and takes his finger into his mouth, desperate. His
tongue runs over the pad and he can feel Jared shaking. It has him so stupidly
hard he doesn’t want to wait a second longer.
Jared’s worried expression softens and he drags his thumb to the roof of
Jensen’s mouth, glancing over the ridges. Jensen’s panting, sweat beading at
his temples.
“This okay?” Jared asks, repeating the motion.
Jensen nods vigorously and his legs clench up when Jared does it again. It’s so
good he blinks back actual tears.
He thinks about Chris while he’s tasting Jared. He thinks about how Chris feels
inside him, stretching him and filling him. His head aches and he’s too hard
and he wants to sleep, but he needs to fuck out this crazy, miserable confusion
otherwise he’s going to explode.
“Hey,” Jared says again. His thumb slides out of Jensen’s mouth and he gets up
off the couch and sits gingerly next to him on the floor. “You want me to, uh,
get you off?”
It sounds so stupid and childish when asked baldly. Like they’re two virgins
playing video games, getting hard over Lara Croft and helping each other out.
Jensen pulls Jared in for another kiss, probably the sloppiest of his life,
their teeth knocking together and tongues battling until Jared takes charge and
pins him to the carpet.
“Jensen?”
Jensen nods and closes his eyes, arches his back off the floor.
“Okay,” Jared breathes. “Turn over.”
Jensen goes rigid. “Don’t—”
“I know. We don’t have to. Just turn over, alright?”
Jensen gets on to his stomach, careful of his hard-on and feeling ridiculous.
He’s done so much with Jared, wantsto fuck him and still can’t. Not like this.
“That’s good, Jen. That’s real good,” Jared murmurs from above him. “I’m gonna
try something. If it’s weird or anything just— Yeah. Wait just a sec.”
There’s a shuffle of socks on carpet and Jared’s back. He straddles Jensen, the
hot weight of his groin right at Jensen’s ass and Jensen rolls up into it
without thinking. Jared grunts softly, rocking into him, the gym shorts he’s
wearing making it easy to feel how hard he is.
Jared’s weight lessens and he’s off Jensen entirely.
“Need you to get your pants down, okay? Can’t do it one-handed.”
Jensen lifts his hips from the floor and pushes his jeans down off the swell of
his ass.
Jared’s nose slips under the hem of Jensen’s t-shirt as he kisses his way south
then drags his mouth over the divot in Jensen’s lower back. Jensen squirms and
rubs against the floor, the friction driving him insane but not nearly enough.
“Jay—”
Jared’s long fingers move to his ass cheeks to work his flesh and send jolts of
warmth to his stomach. He backs into the touch, lifts off the floor so Jared
has more to work with. He can’t get enough of those hands (hand, in this case);
he’d let them take him apart from the inside out, rearrange him, whatever Jared
wanted so long as he didn’t stop.
Jared’s kissing him again, lower, and Jensen suddenly knows where this is
going. His body tightens in anticipation but Jared’s mumbling softly, his hand
skimming over his skin. He leans away again and there’s the sound of a cap
being popped on a bottle.
Just then, Jared overbalances and his full weight falls on Jensen’s back,
knocking the wind out of him in a huge “oof.”
“Shit, I’m sorry—‘s really hard to balance with my arm like this, fuck are you
alright, sorry, Jen I—”
Jensen’s not sure whether to laugh or throw things at him. He needs to get off,
like, yesterday.
“C’mon you fucking klutz, we’ll go upstairs.”
“Fuck man, I’m sorry.”
Jensen smiles as he pulls his pants up and helps Jared to his feet. It’s only
then that he remembers Jared had lube all over his fingers.
“Goddamn it, Padalecki,” Jensen huffs, wiping it on Jared’s shirt.
He expects Jared to laugh it off but his brow furrows. He turns away from
Jensen and sighs.
“It’s a joke, Jared. Calm down.”
“It’s not that,” Jared replies. His figure is silhouetted in moonlight from the
sliding glass door, strands of his hair sticking up. “I’m just fucking sick of
this gimp arm.”
He’s embarrassed, possibly for the first time since Jensen’s met him. Yet
another reason Jensen’s going to fucking end Tom once they’re back to school.
Jensen tugs at his belt loop and drags him towards the stairs. “Not allowed to
be moody til we’re done here.”
Jared gives him a half-smile and allows himself to be led up to Jensen’s room.
Jensen lies out on his stomach again, this time putting a pillow under his body
to make things easier. They’re both too horny to build the excitement up a
second time. Jensen shoves his pants and boxers down and Jared’s right up
against him, kissing his lower back and moving to his ass.
Jensen’s seen tons of rimming porn and never really got the appeal, but that’s
before he feels Jared spreading him open for his tongue. It’s the weirdest
thing Jensen’s ever felt until suddenly it’s one of the best.
“Fuck,slow down, Jay,” Jensen recoils from Jared, his knees weak. He’s lost
count of the number of times he’s said that over the last few weeks but Jared
ignores him as usual and gets a firmer grip around Jensen’s hip to pull him
closer.
He runs the flat of his tongue over Jensen’s rim and Jensen spreads his legs
wider and gathers fistfuls of blankets, writhing and backing into Jared’s face
without a thought of how slutty he must look. Jared licks inside him, just as
shameless, working deeper and twisting his tongue. He can’t get a perfect angle
with the sling but Jensen’s sure as hell not complaining.
“Like that, Ackles?” Jared murmurs, his breath tickling Jensen’s hole.
It’s filthy. Jensen’s never done anything like this and he’d be willing to bet
Jared hasn’t either. The thought of Jared doing this to him—forhim—
He groans and reaches behind him to get a grip on Jared’s hair. Jared redoubles
and starts actually eating him out, not seeming to mind how Jensen keeps
pushing back and his nose nudges against Jensen’s ass. His hand finds its way
to Jensen’s balls and Jesus.His tongue twists and Jensen whimpers, breath
tearing out of him in a searing gasp.
Heat surges through him and he rubs himself off on the mattress, canting his
hips back at Jared’s encouragement. His mind is miles away from Chris and the
conversation he’d had with Donna, his entire universe shrunk into this moment
and where his body meets with Jared’s.
This is it— this is what he knows for sure: Jared’s touch and his body’s
responses. Thisis what he wants.
Jared’s tongue is inside him, then at his rim again in light, feather touches
that have Jensen making humiliating amounts of noise. He pulls a pillow in
closer and bites down on it as his back arches of its own accord, trying to get
Jared deeper inside him. The sheets are damp with his precome and sweat.
When he can’t take the teasing anymore, Jensen twists out from underneath
Jared, pulls him up beside him on the mattress and kisses him. Jared seems
surprised but goes with Jensen’s lead and it’s dirty and right when Jared’s
tongue swipes over his and he can taste himself.
Feeling oddly self-conscious, Jensen pulls his shorts back up before settling
his weight on Jared. He’s never done it like this, and for a second, the
position makes him feel vulnerable. He must look stupid and desperate, but the
thought only lasts until he pushes Jared down flat on the bed while he climbs
into his lap. This is better.
For a second Jared looks like he might protest, but he thinks better of it when
Jensen leans forward to balance himself on Jared’s chest and rocks into him.
He’s sweaty and shaky and his stomach’s weak and Jared’s hair is a damp mess
and his cheeks are flushed.
“Jensen—” Jared’s voice cracks on his name and his mouth falls slack.
Jensen picks up the pace, his hips snapping and their hard-ons rubbing against
each other through layers of clothing. Jared’s hand presses at the small of his
back, his fingers dipping just below the waistband of his underwear and it’s
exactly where Jensen wants him.
“Gonna make you come, Jay,” Jensen gasps.
And he’s going to watch, too, because he can hold on longer.
Jared grinds up into him and Jensen’s cock is throbbing, flushed with blood.
“With me,” Jared says.
Jensen hesitates and starts to speak, but Jared ignores him and suddenly his
hand is down the front of Jensen’s shorts instead, his arm squashed between
their bodies as he strokes up Jensen’s length.
Jensen breaks his pace and shakes his head.
Jared’s hand goes still, the warmth of his palm so close to Jensen’s dick he
feels like he could come just from the anticipation.
“Please?”
“Okay,” Jensen relents, nodding slowly. “Okay.”
Jared smiles a little before it crumbles into a pained grimace as Jensen rubs
himself in a long, slow line against him.
Jensen slips his shorts and boxers down enough to get his cock out and rocks
into Jared’s hip a few times before turning his attention to getting Jared’s
shorts off, too. He gets both of them in his grip, smiling and coaxing whimpers
out of Jared’s throat.
It’s probably not what Jared had in mind when Jensen comes too fast and Jared
comes on Jensen’s stomach about twenty seconds later.
“Shit,” Jensen grunts, making to get up from the bed.
“Wait,” Jared pants, tracing a thumb through his own come on Jensen’s body.
Jensen shivers, still breathing hard. It’s beginning to cool already, sticking
to his skin. He wants it but doesn’t know how to ask for it, feels stupid for
even thinking it.
He parts his lips slightly, trying to get up the nerve and then Jared’s thumb
is there, pressing gently on the divot in his bottom lip.
“This what you want?”
Jensen answers by closing his mouth around Jared’s thumb, swiping it with his
tongue and sucking the warm saltiness down.
Jared’s lips curl into a satisfied smile and Jensen kisses it off him, forcing
Jared’s lips apart with his tongue, pushing the flavor of Jared back into his
own mouth.
They finally break apart, a trail of saliva leading from Jensen’s mouth to
Jared’s and Jensen gets a couple of washcloths before flopping down on to the
mattress next to Jared again. After Jared cleans the drying come off himself,
he makes to get up but Jensen grabs his arm to drag him back down on to the wet
sheets.
Jared grumbles a little but settles in, his body tensed like he’s waiting for
Jensen to change his mind.
It’s sort of shitty that he’s so unsure after all this time. Jensen knows it’s
because of him—he’s too hard to read, hot one minute and absolutely dead cold
the next. He could apologize, though it’d be too little too late and it’d mean
next to nothing coming from him.
He tugs on Jared’s arm, urging him closer and onto the dry half of the sheet
next to him.
Jared hesitates, waiting to be told off when he obeys. Jensen gets his arms
around Jared’s waist and pulls him in, pressing himself against Jared’s hot
skin.
Jared’s muscles finally unclench, his breath leaving him in a long sigh.
“I, uh…” Jensen clears his throat.
“It’s alright,” Jared rolls over to face him and it’s so close,so intimate that
Jensen’s first reaction is to scramble away. He takes a deep breath.
“I can go downstairs, if you want.”
Jensen doesn’t respond but pulls Jared’s hips into his.
Jared licks his lips, his eyes skittering over Jensen’s face and Jensen leans
in.
Jared smiles soft and kisses him, pulling long and slow on his lower lip and
letting his tongue make a dry slide into Jensen’s mouth. Jensen braces his
hands against Jared’s chest and returns it. He likes the slow burn Jared gives
him in his stomach and the way he tastes.
He inhales through his nose and Jared presses in even closer. He wants to wake
up with his face buried in Jared’s shoulder.
Jensen’s sure all this means something, but he’s not really sure what. He never
knows what to do in these situations, not that anything in his life has played
out quite like this. Even with Chris it’s kind of a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am
kind of thing.
As soon as he gets off he usually wants to be left alone and this is hardly
(Jensen’s brain trips over the word) romanticor anything anyways. Jared’s
tongue was in his ass a few minutes ago and if that’s not a mark of how weird
things are getting between them—
Jared’s good arm snakes around his waist and Jensen firmly shuts his mind down
and closes his eyes, Jared’s soft breathing just inches from his face.
And honestly, it’s something he could get used to.
 
*****
 
Jensen wakes up too hot with all the blankets piled on him. He’d woken up
several times in the night because Jared was hogging the comforter and snoring.
But now Jared’s gone and he shouldn’t feel upset.
Coming on too strong would be a mild understatement for the way he’d acted last
night. He’d pushed Jared away from day one, pulling him in too far after all
that would freak anyone out.
Jensen gets out of bed and pulls on a t-shirt and his rumpled jeans before
heading downstairs.
He squints against the light and scratches the itch at the back of his neck,
padding into the kitchen to get some coffee.
Jared and Donna are already there, talking quietly and frying eggs on the
stove.
Jared’s all messy hair and dressed in a slightly too tight Hanes t-shirt with
his feet bare on the tile. He’s putting four pieces of bread in the toaster,
saying, “I’m sure he’ll be up soon. Bright eyed and all that.”
Donna snorts. “Yeah, right.”
Jensen clears his throat and it’s sort of funny how the two of them jump like
they’ve been caught.
“Talkin’ smack first thing in the morning, huh?” He croaks.
“See?” Jared says to Donna with a grin. “Bushy-tailed.”
Donna laughs and Jensen scowls.
“Got your coffee, princess,” Jared says, passing him a steaming mug.
“Suddenly I’m feeling forgiving,” Jensen replies. “You are all absolved.”
“Whew,” Donna says. “You had me worried for a minute there. I thought I might
have to do your laundry or cook your meals or—oh wait, I already do that.”
“Shush,” Jensen mutters, hiding his face with his coffee mug, his ears going
red.
“You still don’t do your own laundry?” Jared sniggers.
“I’m a busy man, okay?”
“Speaking of being a busy man, Chris called for you, hon. I told him you were
still asleep.”
Jensen coughs and glances at Jared. His face is impassive but his shoulders go
a bit tight.
Donna makes him a plate with the eggs fried hardest, the way Jensen likes them.
She sprinkles pepper on top and butters two pieces of toast for him before
making up a plate for Jared, too.
“Thanks, Mom. I’ll call him back later.”
“Sure. I’ll be in the office grading if you boys need anything.”
Jensen nods and Jared grins at Donna. “Thanks.”
When she’s out of the room, Jared clears his throat.
“Does he know I’m here?” Jared looks up at him for a moment, then back to the
floor.
“No,” Jensen admits. “I didn’t tell him.”
“Why not?”
Jensen shrugs. “I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. That’s all.”
Jared nods and looks away, his lips pursed. “So you gonna show me around?”
“I could,” Jensen agrees. “Or I could just show you the way back upstairs.”
Jared grins. “Don’t think your mom would appreciate us making all that noise
when she’s trying to grade papers.”
“True, true,” Jensen sighs. “Alright, what do you wanna see?”
Jared shrugs. “Your neighborhood? You grew up here, right?”
“Yeah, for part of my life.”
Jared nods and lounges against the counter, eyes sweeping over Jensen’s sleep-
tousled form. His lips tug up at the corners, his dimples denting his cheeks
slightly.
“What’re you looking at?” Jensen grumbles. “Go get dressed. And bundle up, it’s
fucking cold.”
 
*****
 
He wasn’t lying— it’s a blustery, miserable day. The sky is overcast and the
wind bites through the fabric of Jensen’s coat. He can already feel his cheeks
turning red.
Jensen glances at Jared’s big hand swinging at his side. He’s wearing gloves
and a North Face jacket, his odd eyes watery and pale yellow-green against the
grayish backdrop of Jensen’s neighborhood. Yesterday they were bluer.  It’s
sort of annoying how Jensen’s starting to notice these things about him: the
brands of clothes he likes, how the hazel of his eyes seems to reflect his
surroundings.
But then he’s still here even after last night and Jensen really has to hand it
to him. If it were him, he would’ve run away a long time ago—probably at the
part where Jensen had practically shoved his tongue down his mouth while he was
asleep on the couch, waking him up without giving him a chance to breathe.
Jensen’s suburb spans for about fifteen blocks or so. It’s not particularly
big, and most of the houses are imitation Colonials owned by families. Mixed
here and there are the houses that have stood for over a hundred years, actual
historical buildings that have lasted the test of time. They’re owned by old
money, passed down through family generations.
“That’s Chris’ house,” Jensen says casually, pointing two houses down at the
brick two-story house with black shudders and white trim.
“Hmm. Quaint.” Jared glances at it then back at Jensen and says casually, “So
he knows you’re home.”
“Yeah, he does.”
“And he doesn’t know that I came with you.”
“No,” Jensen shakes his head.
“Are we gonna talk about how that works?”
“Only if we have to,” Jensen sighs. “I don’t really know what to say.”
Neither of them speak for a while, watching Mr. Rouhani rake the last of the
vivid red maple leaves off his lawn across the street.
The trees are nearly bare now in the neighborhood and the air’s got a crisp
bite to it that warns of frost.
“Do you want me?” Jared asks abruptly. “I mean, do you want this?”
Jensen takes a deep breath and looks at Jared’s shoes. He’s wearing his usual
brown Pumas.
“Yeah.”
“So do I,” Jared says, his breath coming out in a puff of vapor. “And you want
Chris?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I do,” Jensen says quietly. “I think I’ll always want Chris in a
way.”
Jared nods. He’s trying to be reasonable and that’s all Jensen can ask.
“And then there’s Genevieve,” Jensen says.
“Doesn’t change things between us, does it?”
“No.”
Jared’s quiet for a minute. “You think we can find a way to make this work?”
“No, not really. But I don’t know what else to do.”
“Me neither,” Jared runs a hand through his hair. “Damn.”
“I just need some time to figure things out. Maybe it’d be good for both of
us.”
“Maybe so,” Jared nods and then smirks. “Figures it’d take two people to keep
you happy.”
“It’s not that. Besides, you’re in the same boat.”
“More or less.”
Jensen glances up the street at Chris’ house again.  “I just want this week to
be for us, alright? I’ll tell Chris I’m busy and we’ll figure it out from
there.”
Jensen doesn’t even think, just reaches out and catches Jared’s gloved fingers
with his own.
Jared blinks and looks up at him.
They’re standing so close together that the vapor of their breath mixes
together, forming a single cloud in the chilly air.
Jared leans forward, his forehead touching Jensen’s, their hands linked and
their bodies an inch apart.  The scent of Jared tickles his nose, a faint
whisper accentuated by the cold.
What they’re doing should feel wrong, like some kind of clandestine, scandalous
meeting. And Jensen knows they’re keeping secrets, knows he’s not doing the
smartest, most rational thing.
But for once he doesn’t care, because the knot in his stomach is starting to
seem less like an impossible problem and more like a weight he enjoys. Jared
found a way to fit into all the spaces inside him he didn’t know he had.
There will come a time, and soon, where he’ll have to figure out what he
wants—what’s real, and what’s worth it.
He thinks back to drinking beers with Chris by the lake, to the feeling of
Chris inside him, his heart so full and his legs weak and his head ringing with
what-ifs. And then there’s Jared, with his dimples and the way he makes Jensen
come apart without even touching him, the way nothing comes easy between them
but how it’s always worth it; the way he said I need this.Because like it or
not, Jensen does.
He’s making a mistake trying to balance so many things at once, trying to keep
Chris and Jared when they both have other prospects. But he’s not ready to give
up either of them.
When the wind gusts again, it holds a chill that can only mean winter’s not far
behind, and with it will come finals and the last push before Christmas. He’ll
have to start getting serious about colleges, thinking about his
extracurriculars and SATs. And after break, there’s only one more semester
until senior year.
He still has plans for Tom, he still needs to work things out with Sophia. He
doesn’t know if Jared will stick around or ditch him for the girl he’s always
wanted.
Jared breathes in deep but doesn’t move away from him.
Jensen could do it now. He could stop things between them.
The strings that compose the knot in his insides pull tight at the thought, as
though cinched by hands on opposite ends.
Jared meets him halfway, chapped lips on his, and Jensen can’t find it in
himself to care that they’re kissing in the middle of the street when he’s not
even out to his mom yet. Jensen reaches up to touch Jared’s cheek, surprised as
ever by the burning need to be close to him. No matter what, it never feels
close enough.
Jared seems to share that particular sentiment because a moment later he wraps
his good arm around Jensen’s waist. Jensen starts walking back towards the
house in a kind of clumsy backpedal, dragging Jared with him.
“Where—?” Jared breathes between kisses.
“Here,” Jensen says, backing up against the plastic siding of his house.
They’re screened by a row of hedges and trees in the Ackles’ front yard.
“Thought you were gonna show me around.” Jared’s pink lips are a little wet.
Jensen shrugs and cups Jared’s face in both hands.
“Plenty of time for that when I’m done with you.”
Jared gives him a dimpled smile and then he’s kissing Jensen back, his fingers
slipping through the bristly hair at Jensen’s nape.
“Jensen,” Jared sighs into his skin when they break apart and Jensen shivers.
Jared’s hand is inside his coat and shirt at his lower back, fingers digging
softly into him, pulling him in close so that their hips align.
Jensen rests his chin on Jared’s shoulder, closing his eyes and focusing on the
sensation of Jared’s fingertips moving slowly up and down his back. Jared’s
half-hard against his leg but doesn’t seem to be in any rush to remedy the
situation.
He listens to Jared’s breathing, fast and ragged, quiet compared to the dead
leaves skittering over the pavement. He barely feels the wind when he’s this
close to all of Jared’s warmth, except for the cold air sweeping up his shirt
with Jared’s hand. He doesn’t really mind it, though.
Jensen can’t help the small flutter of fear he feels in his gut because he
knows this is getting dangerous. He’s already thinking ahead to school, to
watching Jared with Genevieve; to telling Chris that things between them
haven’t changed.
The fact is, everything’s changing and he can’t keep up with it.
He opens his mouth to speak, then thinks better of it. All he wants right now
is for Jared to keep tracing circles on his skin, to feel his chest rising and
falling against his own. Truth be told, he could get used to having this every
day.
“Stop,” Jared says suddenly.
“Stop what?” Jensen asks, pulling away from him, his eyes opening. His cheeks
are flushing. He should’ve known this was too much, too close—
“I can hear you thinking. It’s distracting.” Jared gives him a half-smile and
doesn’t move his arm from around Jensen’s waist.
Jensen laughs, leaning back into the warmth of Jared’s body. “Sorry.”
“You gonna share with the class, genius boy?”
“I’m just thinking about this.”
“This?” Jared repeats.
“Us, I guess.”
Jared nods, and hand dips further down Jensen’s back, coming to rest in his
back pocket.
“It’s confusing,” Jensen admits.
“Yeah, it is,” Jared says, catching Jensen’s lips in a single, slow kiss. “I’ve
never… Not with another… y’know.”
“I know.” Jensen leaves his eyes closed for a moment, rolling the taste of
Jared around his mouth. Jensen isn’t exactly Jared’s type, what with the having
a dick and all. Still, here they are. “I just, I wonder how long we can keep
this up.”
“Do we really have to analyze it?”
“We probably should, yeah.”
“But when have we ever done anything that made sense?” Jared asks teasingly,
his lips moving to Jensen’s jaw.
“Stop,” Jensen groans, trying desperately to keep a hold on the conversation.
“Christ.”
Jared’s hand is massaging his ass gently through the denim of his jeans.
“I mean it. If this keeps up we’re just gonna end up in my room again—”
Jared’s thigh is between his legs now, his hand pressing Jensen closer to him.
Jensen bites down on his lip, ignoring the way his jeans feel a couple sizes
too tight.
Sex isn’t worth what he has with Chris, he knows that. But Jared’s pupils are
blown wide and his lips are parted, and it’s hard to imagine ever giving this
up. Every day he spends with Jared like this, Jared digs himself deeper under
Jensen’s skin, splinter-like, a small piece of something bigger that Jensen
can’t shake off.
Jared’s still smiling, but he doesn’t make any moves. “Sorry, Jen.”
Jensen exhales heavily through his nose, counting backwards from ten.
“Y’know, I was thinking…”
“What?” Jensen says tightly, still trying to steady himself.
“I’ve met your mom now; maybe you should meet my folks.”
“Wha?”
“Really. You could come visit me in Texas over break.”
“Yeah, no problem,” Jensen snorts. “I’ll just drive a billion hours by myself
to come see you.”
“You would,” Jared teases. “’Cause there’d be blowjobs and Mexican food and
it’s actually warm.”
“Fair point.”
“I just think it’d be cool to see you. Maybe over Christmas or the summer.”
Jensen blinks. Is he being for real?
“Maybe my parents could foot part of a plane ticket or somethin’.”
“You think they’d go for that?”
“Not like they can’t afford it,” Jared shrugs.
“Are you really asking me to travel, like, two thousand miles so we can mess
around?”
“Not just that,” Jared laughs. “You should come back to Texas, see what it’s
about now that you’re older. It’s where you grew up.”
“Maybe,” Jensen says. Honestly, he’d be happy if he never saw Texas again. It’s
not that he hates it; it just doesn’t hold a whole lot of happy memories for
him.
“I’ll give you the grand tour,” Jared offers.
“I’m not sure I trust our idea of tours,” Jensen grunts. “This one didn’t go so
well.”
“I’ll let you leave my room once in a while. Scout’s honor.” Jared reaches out
to toy with the zipper of Jensen’s coat.
“I dunno, Jared. I don’t think my mom would go for it. Besides, Chris
definitely wouldn’t.”
“You gonna let him stop you?” Jared asks, his tone mild. He drops his hand to
his side, his gaze calculating. “You said he’s not your boyfriend.”
“I know. But neither are you,” Jensen says before he can stop himself. Jared
looks taken aback.
“I didn’t realize I had to be for you to visit.”
“It’s not like that. I’m just trying not to let this become a… a thing.”
“No offense, but I think you blew it on that count.”
“I mean, more than it already is.”
“Is it really that bad?” Jared asks, ducking down slightly so he can press his
lips to Jensen’s pulse.
“The absolute worst,” Jensen mumbles, cringing. “Like, how do I end up in this
situation every single time we’re alone together?”
“What situation?” Jared asks absently. His mouth skims over Jensen’s jaw.
“The one where I’m trying to be serious and just end up hard and then I make
out with you.”
“Ah,” Jared says. “Well, we don’t have to make out.”
Jensen gives a pathetic sort of groan and closes the scant inches between them,
Jared laughing against his lips before parting his own to let Jensen inside the
wet warmth of his mouth.
“Maybe we should just…” Jensen pants.
“Mmm?”
“Take a break from it. Y’know— ah, fuck, until we—”
“Until we what?” Jared breathes, amused. He’s pushing Jensen against his thigh
and Jensen’s cock is way, waytoo sensitive for that right now.
“Until we figure things out,” Jensen manages.
“Would that start before or after you come?”
“Jared.”
“Just wondering.”


*****
 
Jensen’s not sure what he expected, but things change after Thanksgiving.
Jared spends the rest of break sleeping on the couch, Jensen lying awake
upstairs, torn by the desire to ask him to come back upstairs without somehow
getting caught by his mom and a fear of looking needy.
In the end, Jensen’s inability to decide keeps anything from happening between
them again, with the exclusion of a little footsy under the dinner table while
Donna talks to Jared about Texas.
Mostly they walk around Jensen’s neighborhood, kicking small piles of leaves
and walking to 7-11 to stock up on junk food. Jared eats more Doritos in one
sitting than Jensen thought humanly possible and it’s half gross and half
intriguing.
In the evenings, they watch whatever comedies happened to be on HBO, carefully
sitting on opposite ends of the couch. One night, Jared nods off and starts to
lean into Jensen’s side before jumping awake and curling up tighter against the
armrest.
He’s obviously trying to keep things casual, holding back his incessant need
for physical contact for Jensen’s sake. After all, he was the one who said they
should slow down.
Jensen appreciates the thought, but kind of wishes Jared would just kiss him
again.
Lying awake in bed he thinks about Chris, only a couple of houses away, and
Jared, a single flight of stairs away. He hasn’t called Chris back and, if he’s
being honest, he doesn’t particularly want to. Talking to Chris will mean
breaking the easy peace of the past week, because as much as he likes Chris,
it’s been pretty damn awesome having Jared home with him.
On the last night before their return to school, Jensen calls Chris back while
Jared’s in the shower.
“’Bout time,” Chris says when he picks up, and Jensen can hear the grin in his
voice. “I’ve got some good news.”
“What’s that?” Jensen asks, flopping down on the couch.
“The band’s coming up here to record our next EP. We found a studio in Philly
that offers some good rates.”
“That’s great, Chris. When they coming up?”
“Should be some time in the next month or so. And,” Chris continues, his faint
accent slurring his words together in his excitement. “I’ll have my own place
by late January.”
“You’re moving out?” Jensen sits up again, frowning.
“Only to Springfield.”
It’s a really short drive, but it still feels weird to have yet another part of
his life on Suddard Street change.
“How’d you get the money already?”
“Not from bartending, I’ll tell you that,” Chris grunts. “I got an advance from
the record label and my parents are helping me out until I get everything
settled.”
Upstairs, the water shuts off.
“Chris, I should go—”
“You’re home, aren’t you? For break?”
“Yeah, but I—”
Jared’s dressed in a striped, long-sleeved shirt and baggy jeans, looking
unfairly adorable as he towels his hair dry.
He takes one look at Jensen on the phone and the welcoming smile that had
started on his face dies instantly.
“I’m spending it with my family, y’know, and—”
“Sure,” Chris says, his tone slightly stiff. And in spite of what Jensen told
Jared about wanting the week to be just for them, he can’t help the way his
stomach sinks. “Well, if you find a day in your busy schedule, I’ll be here for
another week or so before I start recording demos in Philly.”
“That soon?” Jensen asks, reeling.
“I told the band I’d be out sooner rather than later and they’re gonna meet me
out there once they come north. I mean, I don’t have anything to stick around
for out here.”
Even if he deserves it, it still hurts.
Just as surely as he’d been pulled towards Jared earlier that day they held
hands and kissed in the street, he has to restrain himself from telling Chris
he misses him. Because whenever he feels sure that he’s happy, that he’s with
who he wants, something pulls him in the opposite direction.
He feels Jared’s eyes on him and clears his throat.
“I’ll call you.”
“Yeah, alright. Later, Jen.”
“Bye,” he says, hanging up before Chris.
“Was that who I think it was?” Jared asks idly, straddling one of the wooden
dining chairs around the table.
“Yeah,” Jensen says, turning his back on Jared to give himself a moment to
think.
“Did you tell him you couldn’t hang out because I’m about to give you the best
blowjob you’ve ever had in your life?”
He hadn’t even heard Jared come up behind him, but then there’s arms around his
waist and the warmth of Jared’s chest against him and Jensen backs into it
without thinking.
“That’s not exactly what I said,” Jensen murmurs. 
Jared’s hand is on his lower stomach, his fingertips sliding beneath the
waistband of his shorts.
“C’mon, Jay, not right now.” Jensen breaks away from him, suddenly annoyed.
He shouldn’t be blowing Chris off like this, not when he’s going to lose him
again so soon. When Chris came back, Jensen had sworn to himself that, no
matter what he did with Jared, he’d put Chris first. Chris had always been
first for him. Yet here he is, dodging his calls, too much of a coward to at
least do him the courtesy of telling him the truth.
But what was the truth? That he was messing around with Jared? He knew that
much and it hadn’t seemed to bother him terribly. If it had, he’d come get
Jensen himself, wouldn’t he? He wouldn’t keep making half-assed attempts to
hang out when he knew Jensen was busy nearly all the time.
“If you’re not gonna talk to me or whatever, I think I’m gonna call it a
night,” Jared says, gesturing towards the couch.
Jensen nods and lets Jared go, but at the last second changes his mind,
blurting: “It’s just, you’re not even gay.”
Jared stops in his tracks, turning to face Jensen again. “So?”
“So what the fuck isthis?”
Jared shrugs. “Hell if I know. But I wasn’t gay every other time we’ve messed
around, either.”
“You’re right, and it’s pointless,” Jensen says firmly. “You know it and so do
I.”
Jared backtracks, coming back into the kitchen with a small smile playing out
on his mouth, like he knows the punch line to a joke Jensen’s about to tell.
 “Yeah, I guess.” Jared closes the gap between them, his eyes on Jensen’s lips.
“It’s all really pointless.”
Jensen tries to clamp down on the wave of wantroiling inside him. “Seriously,
Padalecki—”
“Don’t start that shit,” Jared shakes his head, pulling Jensen by his
shirtfront so their foreheads are touching and Jared’s breath is on his mouth.
“You coulda backed out a long time ago.”
Jared doesn’t move to kiss him and their breathing is uncomfortably loud in
Jensen’s ears.
“Stop jerking me around, Jensen. I can walk away, too.”
“You won’t,” Jensen murmurs before he can stop himself.
“I won’t?” Jared repeats.
“No,” Jensen says, less firmly than he meant.
Jared takes a step back with a rueful smirk.
“I’d be careful of making bets if I were you,” he says. “That didn’t work out
so well for you last time.”
Jensen bites down on his lip and Jared doesn’t look away.
“What do you want, Jensen?”
“You,” he mumbles, miserably.
“You have me,” Jared says, cupping his chin.
For now,Jensen thinks. And then what?
“You think I don’t want you, too? That I’m the one holding back? Jen, if you
wanted me to, I’d—” Jared breaks off, shaking his head.
He meets Jensen’s eyes and it sends a shiver down his spine. He doesn’t have to
finish his sentence because it’s staring Jensen in the face. He’d do anything
Jensen asked him to right now.
“When are you gonna get it?” He says, finally. “When are you gonna let go?”
Jensen just swallows and looks away, queasy with the amount of power resting in
his hands all of a sudden. Jared would give himself over to whatever Jensen
wanted and he’s so close to asking for everything.  
But it wouldn’t change anything, wouldn’t change the sick, uneasy confusion
Jensen feels in his gut. It’d only be worse if he gave in. This could be what
Jared’s waiting for— Jensen’s supposed to say something grand and poetic, but
all he can think about is Genevieve and Chris and how this fucked up thing
between them should’ve died of natural causes a long time ago.
“I’m sorry. But it wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Jensen says, his throat
dry.
Jared takes a step back, nodding and clearing his throat. He looks winded, like
he just ran laps around the living room. He sits on the couch, running a hand
through his hair without looking at Jensen.
“You’re telling me.”
Jensen thinks that maybe he should leave, but Jared keeps going, his words
halting. It’s the same thought from earlier, but he still can’t say it.
“Y’know—if I thought you—”
And Jensen’s glad he never finishes that thought, because something tells him
he can’t hear it. Not yet.
“Forget it. G’night, Jen,” Jared says softly, his voice finally level again.
Jensen nods and makes for the stairs, but as soon as he’s halfway up them, he
stops, leaning against the wall in the dark, running a hand through his hair
and scrunching his eyes shut. He waits for his heart to stop pounding, for his
breath to steady, and wonders what the hell he’s going to do.
 
*****
 
Jensen takes the first week back to school to devote himself fully to his work,
ignoring his phone when it vibrates and turning his attention to essays, test
reviews, and flashcards for his upcoming finals. He knows he has Calc in the
bag, but Dinwiddie’s final essay on The Metamorphosisand Shields’ massive lab-
based Geology exam might be the death of him. European History’s exam is a gift
compared to his others— a take-home, open book long answer exam. For some
reason, they’re having a Phys Ed final, too, but it’s a nutrition quiz that’s
at the bottom of his priorities.
Meanwhile, he and Jared aren’t exactly ignoring each other, but they’re not
talking like they used to, either. Every time he thinks about texting him, he
puts his phone back down, afraid of looking desperate and unsure of what to say
anyways.
It’s impossible to avoid running into him and Genevieve in the halls, and no
matter what arrangement they’ve come to, it never stops being weird. Weirdest
of all is how Genevieve smiles and says “hi” to Jensen whenever they walk past
each other. He wonders if she’d still do that if he yelled “I sucked off your
Homecoming date” in return.
But really, she’s nice and Jensen wishes she wasn’t. He wishes she were a
raging, awful hag so he could hate her.
Worse still is seeing Sophia after class on Monday and not being able to talk
to her. She would listen, he knows she would, but it’s really not fair to dump
more of his issues on her when she’s probably stressing about the end of the
semester as much as he is.
With a sigh, Jensen slings his bag over his shoulder and starts walking back to
his dorm, not noticing Danneel until he almost walks straight into her.
“Watch it, Ackles.”
“Sorry, I didn’t see you there.”
“Right, yeah, you’re too busy with the whole moping thing.”
“I’m not moping,”Jensen protests. Okay, maybe he is a little. 
Danneel grins.
“How was Thanksgiving?” Jensen asks. His eyes are still on Sophia, who’s
talking to Rob Benedict with her books held up close to her chest. She’s
wearing her favorite white blouse and the black skinny jeans she bought when
she and Jensen went to the mall— they’re the pair with the button that’s about
to fall off. She pulls a black umbrella out of her bag and then she’s out in
the storm, head bowed against the wind.
“It was good,” Danneel shrugs. “Same old family stuff.”
Jensen turns his gaze to Danneel and she looks at him for a long moment.
“You know, I think she missed your place. She didn’t say it out right, but she
laughed a lot when she talked about last year with your family.”
“My mom got distracted and left the turkey in the oven for an extra couple of
hours,” Jensen says, smiling wryly. “It was like eating jerky.”
“Yeah, so she said.” Danneel switches her purse strap to her other shoulder and
adjusts her hold on her books. “Things will be okay, Jensen. Just give her some
time. She’s scared, that’s all.”
“Scared?” Jensen repeats. “Of what?”
Danneel shrugs again. “Of losing you. Of you getting hurt and not being able to
stop it.”
“Losing me? We’ve been friends since freshman year.”
“Yeah, and she had to watch you with Kane. Andafter Kane. Give her a little
credit, Ackles. Your life’s been kinda high drama lately. Can’t blame her for
wanting to take a breather.”
“I guess so,” Jensen says. He hadn’t thought about it that way.
“She just doesn’t want the whole Tom and Padalecki thing to backfire. I don’t
know if she can watch you go through something like that again.”
“Did she tell you all this?”
He’s not sure if he should be offended Sophia’s been spilling details about his
personal life, or flattered that she still cares enough to talk about him.
“Not in so many words. Which leads me to my next point.” Danneel takes a deep
breath. “Tom’s been saying some stuff about Gen and Jared. I mean, I’m sure
he’s just talking out his ass.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“Well, it doesn’t sound like Gen and Tom gonna be getting back together any
time soon, put it that way.”
Jensen shakes himself out of his thoughts and looks at Danneel. Her expression
is neutral, but there are faint lines around her mouth. She’s probably the only
one who understands how he’s feeling right now
“It sounds like they’re, uh, getting serious, I guess.”
But why now? Why after Thanksgiving, when everything with Jared had felt so
easy, so natural? Was it because of the last night they’d spent together? Had
Jared taken it as a flat out rejection?
Jensen feels something hot and fierce turn over in his belly, something that
wants to grab Jared and pin him down and—
Shaken, he takes a deep breath and tries to smile. “Thanks for the head’s up.”
“I just didn’t want you to get hurt, or anything.” Danneel doesn’t have to add
the like meat the end.
 
*****
 
Jensen’s tired.
He’s been studying for hours and his head’s too full of pointless facts and a
jumble of dates and all he really wants is to have any kind of tequila while
lying in bed. And maybe getting some head while he’s lying there. It’s the
little things.
Thing is, he still doesn’t know what to believe about Jared. Every time they’ve
been alone, it’s like Jared’s exactly where he wants to be. But almost every
time Jensen sees him during the school day, he’s with Genevieve and not him.
So the first thing he does when he finally drops his textbook off the side of
the bed is walk over to Marshall Hall, sliding in past a boy who’s going
outside to make a phone call. 
He shucks his coat as soon as he’s inside the warm dormitory, taking the stairs
two at a time. Hopefully Matt’s gone.
He taps his foot impatiently, waiting for Jared to answer. He knocks again,
harder.
Jared finally opens the door, squinting, his hair rumpled and his clothes
disheveled.
“Ackles. ‘Sup?”
“You busy?”
Jared shakes his head and steps back to let him in.
Jared’s bed is a mess as usual and it looks like he just got up from it.
“Studying hard for that Calc final, I see,” Jensen says.
“’M just… I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep,” Jared shrugs, letting out a
huge yawn and rubbing his eyes. “So what’d you come over for?”
Jensen’s tempted to just lean in and kiss him, maybe push him back down in the
mess of blankets.
“I just—I’ve been hearing things. About you and Gen.”
Jared turns his back on him, nodding and sitting down at his desk. “Yeah? From
who?”
“Danneel. Who heard it from Tom. I figure he’d be in the know, right?”
“I thought you said you didn’t want to know what me and Gen did?” Jared asks
drily.
“I don’t, believe me,” Jensen says. “But I need to know where your head’s at.”
“Same place as yours,” Jared grunts.
“Which means?”
“Which means I don’t know what to do.”
Jensen closes the distance between them in seconds, leaning down to Jared and
kissing him full on the mouth. He waits for Jared to get with the program, then
he’s kissing Jensen back, exhaling hard through his nose when Jensen’s tongue
meets his.
Pick this. Pick me.
Jensen’s left hand is on Jared’s shoulder, fingers digging into the fabric of
his shirt and he’s holding Jared’s jaw with his right, the rasp of Jared’s
stubble on his skin because he hasn’t shaved.
They break apart, Jared panting slightly and Jensen glaring down at him. “Are
you or are you not fucking Cortese? I don’t get what’s so hard to answer.”
Jared takes a swig of water from a glass on his desk then gets to his feet,
brushing past Jensen to pace the room. His cheeks are still pink.
“No, I’m not,” he growls. “Not that it’s any of your business, since I’m not
allowed to talk about Chris.”
“Then, what, did you rim her, too? What the hell is Tom talking about?”
Jared doesn’t acknowledge the rimming comment but at least has the grace to
turn red. “He’s talking shit. C’mon, man, you can’t let this get between us
now. He knows we’re fr…” He hesitates. “He knows we hang out.”
Friends. Huh. That’s the first time Jared’s ever called him that, even if he
didn’t finish the word.
“She has no idea about us, does she? No idea about you?”
“What d’you mean?” Jared asks, avoiding his eyes.
“I mean the fact that you’re sucking off another dude.”
Jared shrugs and sighs. “I didn’t want to give her the wrong idea.”
“Which is?”
“That I’m… I mean, I like girls.”
“Right, yeah,” Jensen says, his blood running cold. “Yeah.”
Maybe he shouldn’t care. For all intents and purposes, Jared isstraight. Still…
Jared bites his lower lip. “Look, Jen, no one needs to know what we do,
alright? It’s between me and you.”
“Yeah, sure. I’m with you on that one,” he says with a hint of bitterness he
can’t quite keep out of his tone.
“You haven’t told anyone either, have you?”
“No.” But that’s not entirely true. Sophia and Danneel both know somedetails,
even if he didn’t fill them in on the whole picture.
The logical part of Jensen recognizes that he’s coming off as a jealous
schoolgirl. If anything, it’s a blow to his pride. The thing he and Jared have
between them has been working just fine for him and the fact that it’s not
mutual is embarrassing. Like he hasn’t been holding up his end. So, yeah, it
pisses him off that Jared’s been double dipping and lying about it as if Jensen
can’t handle it, as if he’ll be heartbroken or something.
It makes sense for Jared to be with Genevieve. She really does seem to like him
back. She’s cute, funny, and a decent human being—better than both Jared and
Jensen combined. She’s got that kind of contagious goodwill that makes everyone
around her want to donate to charity and adopt puppies and throw their coats
down in puddles for grannies. She’d knock Jared into shape, force him to grow
up and stop acting like such a spoiled dickhead. But no matter how much Gen
likes Jared, there’s no way she can actually make a real time commitment to
him. She’s too busy trying to stop world hunger or whatever.
Jensen had assumed that they still had some time before things got serious
between Jared and Gen, but it’s starting to look like this is Jared’s way of
letting him down gently.
“Look, Jensen, I wouldn’t have done any of this if I didn’t like you, but you
don’t know what my dad would do to me if he knew you and I were…”
Jensen never bothered to get his hopes up. Even if Jared isn’t like other
Eldridge kids, he has as much foresight as any of them. He’s thinking about his
future, and he doesn’t have one with Jensen.
“Are you… are you really doing this?” Jensen laughs in disbelief. “Now?”
“What?” Jared’s brow furrows.
“Breaking up with me,” Jensen says, so full of derision that he can’t keep his
hands from waving to illustrate just how disgusted he is with the concept of
being dumped by someone he’s not even dating. But then it had to happen
sometime. Jensen just always imagined it’d be him doing the dumping and it
wouldn’t feel anything like this.
“I’m just saying, you obviously like Chris, and Gen likes me, and maybe… maybe
that’s how it should be.”
“Sure, okay,” Jensen says, his tone icy.
“Please, Jensen, don’t get pissed at me. Not right now,” Jared sighs. “I have
eight thousand things going on and I don’t want you to hate me.”
His right hand is outstretched, as though he’s about to reach for Jensen but
thinks better of it. “I have to start getting serious. About school, and about…
well, everything.”
“Okay,” Jensen says, taking a breath. “Okay, fine. I don’t hate you.”
Jared’s still close enough for Jensen to touch. “I don’t want you to give up on
Chris for me, if that’s what you really want. I can’t—I can’t be with you,
Jensen. Not that way.”
“I wasn’t—I never said—” Jensen stammers, flushing. “I’m not datinghim, or you
for that matter.”
“I know,” Jared says, nodding. “But you could be. He came back for a reason.”
And maybe Jensen should listen to the voice in the back of his head that
whispers, I don’t care,but what he says is, “he came back for him. He came back
because he didn’t know what else to do.”
Jared watches him for a moment then shakes his head.
“Are you really that scared of what people think?” Jensen asks, unable to keep
down the tide of anger rising in him. After all his I don’t give a
shitattitude, Jared’s turning out to be just another scared jock after all.
“You knew it was going to be like this. You said you wouldn’t hold it against
me.”
“Guess I lied,” Jensen says.
 
*****
 
Jensen’s head is still buzzing with their conversation later that night when he
sits down at his desk, furiously unwrapping a mint and cramming it in his
mouth. He considers calling Sophia, but doesn’t want to look pathetic. After
all, this whole Jared thing was never supposed to last and he’d known that from
the start. Still, it might’ve been nice of Jared to consider that fact before
kissing him stupid over Thanksgiving.
He’s bored and on edge, just this side of pissed off. So he does what he always
does when the going’s slow—he hacks into the school’s system and takes a look
around.
The only teacher he hasn’t checked up on is Dr. Morgan—he likes him too much to
want to invade his privacy, as tempting as it might be. The others are all fair
game, though. He knows Dinwiddie used to teach at a public high school and that
she was fired for demanding too many changes. Shields worked on several
projects overseas, involved with American oil compounds in the Middle East. His
family still lives in Saudi Arabia from what Jensen can tell. The track coach,
Roché, has a sketchy record at best with the number of schools he’s taught at;
something about “inappropriate conduct.” Kripke, head of the Comp Sci
department, had a colorful history of hacking and software development before
he settled down to teach, which is why he and Misha are so tight.
As for students, Chad Murray has the best grade in shop class out of anyone in
their year, true to what Jared said. Misha’s doing really well in all of his
classes, though his attendance isn’t spectacular. Sophia’s acing English,
Danneel’s struggling in Chemistry.
Jensen pauses on Padalecki, Jared Tristan.He snorts. He wouldhave an uppity
middle name like Tristan.
But that’s when he notices the note next to his name.
ACD PROBATION.
Calc and Grammar & Comp are the only two classes Jared’s passing.
How could that be? He’d been doing shitty before, sure, but he’d managed. How
much of his time can he possibly be spending with Genevieve and why hadn’t he
said anything to Jensen? He probably would’ve helped him out, at least before
things got so weird between them. Everything he’s done for Jared won’t count
and it’s all because of some fucking chick.
No. Because Jared’s too busy being an asshole to get his act together. It’s not
Genevieve’s fault, as much as Jensen wants it to be.
Unless he gets some serious help, it looks like Jared’s on his way out.
Jensen closes his laptop, feeling vaguely ill. He lays on his bed with his arms
folded under his head for a long time that night, thinking.
 
***** Twelve *****
                 Cause we both know I'll never be your lover
                            I only bring the heat
                             Company under cover
                         Filling space in your sheets
                          Well I'll never be a lover
                            I only bring the heat
                             Company under cover
                 Filling space in your sheets, in your sheets
 
Jared paces up and down Jensen’s dorm, one hand in his hair, the other
gesturing wildly as he explains the situation to Jensen.
“Okay, so don’t freak out, but—”
“You’re on probation,” Jensen says, cutting him off. “I know.”
Jared stops pacing and frowns at him.
“How did you—?”
Jensen taps his laptop.
Jared heaves a sigh and bites his lip. “I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t serious.”
“I know.”
Jared had come to his room unannounced as usual, and when Jensen opened the
door he half-expected Jared to pull him in for a kiss, but instead he’d asked
to talk with his eyes downcast. Since he came through the doorway, Jared’s
anxiety has been crackling off him like static and the only way he seems to be
able to work it off is by pacing.
“My dad, he’s… he’s gonna kill me if I don’t fix it,” Jared says.
Jensen glances up at him. He’s never heard Jared’s voice go soft like that,
inflected with something like fear. Not for the first time Jensen wonders what
kind of life is waiting for Jared back in Texas.
“I don’t get why you didn’t ask me sooner. It’s going to look really suspicious
if all of a sudden your grades jump up out of the blue—”
“I’ve just had so much going on, I didn’t even have time to think about it. My
parents are going to murder me if they send a progress report home and it looks
like that.”
“I coulddo it…” Jensen starts to say.
“Please. I really need a favor. I’ll do whatever you want, just. Please.” He
fixes his pleading gaze on Jensen, which is when he notices there are shadows
under Jared’s eyes. They off-set the light hazel, making the yellowish green
more pronounced. Apparently he still looks annoyingly handsome even when he’s
exhausted.
“I know it’s like, nothing, for you. You’re really good with computers and—”
Jensen raises an eyebrow. “Am I really that easy to flatter?”
Jared grins sheepishly. “Generally? Yeah.”
Jensen leans back in his chair, frowning. He shouldn’t, but it’s not like he’ll
get caught. The only way he’d get noticed is if he somehow crashed the system—a
massively clumsy move he wouldn’t make. The security around Eldridge’s
mainframe is laughable, even with Kripke as the head of the Comp Sci
department. The school board never put forth the resources for a better system
because, like most schools and businesses, they were woefully uninformed about
cyber security and the kind of information available to anyone with the know-
how to get through.
“Okay. Yeah, I’ll do it.”
“Thanks, man. You have no idea.” Jared squeezes Jensen’s shoulders.
Jensen leans in closer instinctually, smiling slightly, but at the last second
Jared turns his face an inch to the right, his eyes not meeting Jensen’s.
“I—” Jared begins.
Jensen flushes, biting the inside of his cheek and turning back to his
computer. He gets that Jared’s scared and maybe not in the mood to mess around,
but he only wanted to kiss him and it’s sort of embarrassing to be turned down.
“I’ve gotta go, I have a tutoring session with Shields.”
“Sure, yeah,” Jensen says. “Good luck.”
“Thanks. I’ll call you.”
But Jensen’s not surprised when his phone stays silent all night.
               
*****
 
Eldridge cut down on paper grades a long time ago in an attempt to be more
“environmentally friendly.” The system is entirely online and the only teachers
who still gave written feedback were usually those that taught English or Math.
Jensen’s on his stomach, his laptop open in front of him and a Lifesaver mint
on his tongue, at complete and utter peace. He’s on top of the world. He can do
this. He’s good at this; better than just about anyone he knows.
For Jensen it’s always been a rush to put pencil to paper, letting his mind
take over and grappling with a problem and forcing it to take the shape he
needs it to. Coding is the same. Nothing can stop him when he hits this point.
He rolls his mint around his mouth, humming under his breath. This is easy.
It’s been a long time since he hacked anything this simple and straightforward
and a current of excitement runs through his body, fizzing out at his
fingertips. He almost wishes Jared had asked him to do something harder.
All he has to do is edit a few values and Jared’s grades stabilize. He wonders
how closely the grades are monitored, if anyone’s going to notice the probation
flag vanish from next to Jared’s name. Probably not, since people are always
moving up and down in rank.
He exits out, then scrolls down through the rest of his class. Rob Benedict’s
grades are really, really good and so are Misha’s. They’re his next concern.
He hesitates on Tom’s name. The temptation’s too strong and all of Tom’s grades
are right there, begging to be rearranged. Plus, he’s careless with his
papers—Jensen witnessed it firsthand all those months ago in the hallway. Tom
hadn’t even noticed when his essay fell out of his bag. What were the odds that
he kept his other grades as records?
Surely no one would notice if he tweaked a few of Welling’s midterm reports. He
wouldn’t make it obvious; just clip a few points here and there to balance
things out.
And really, he’s not far behind Tom at all. If he manages to pull off a decent
grade in Dinwiddie’s final, there’s a good chance he’ll pass him and become
valedictorian. He doesn’t feel bad about it for a whole list of reasons,
starting with Jared’s fractured collarbone and ending with the fact that he
probably would’ve passed him anyways.
 
*****
 
It’s lunch period and Sophia and Jensen are sitting at a table by themselves,
Jensen casting heated looks over at Jared. Jensen doesn’t sit at Jared’s table
during lunch anymore. It’s back to eating at the corner table with Sophia, and
he counts himself lucky to have her at all after how erratic he’s been. She
probably just took pity on him, but it’s good to have her back. Sometimes
Danneel drops by their table, but Jensen can tell she’s having a conflict of
loyalty. She was Jared’s friend first after all.
Jared’s too preoccupied with his hangers-on to notice anything, but it doesn’t
stop Jensen from pouring every ounce of anger he can muster into his stare in
the hopes that it’ll take on some real heat so he can burn a hole in the back
of Jared’s head or something.
Sophia listens and talks to him, but it’s obvious that she’s holding back.
Every time Jensen mentions Jared’s name, even in passing, she seems to be
biting her tongue. He’s not sure if it’s on an “I told you so” or something
worse.
“I mean, he like, full on pulled away.”
Sophia wrinkles her nose sympathetically. “That’s embarrassing.”
“You’re telling me.”
“So why are you helping him?”
“Because,” Jensen sighs. “It’s easy and he was giving me serious puppy eyes, I
mean like homeless animal shelter, about-to-be-euthanized-if-you-don’t-adopt-me
looks. And I don’t hate the guy, even if he’s being an asshole.”
Sophia nods. “I’m sorry, Jen. Maybe he’ll come around still.”
Jensen shrugs. “At least I tagged Tom before this shitstorm.”
“You what?”
“I… may or may not have fucked with his grades a little while I was fixing
Padalecki’s,” Jensen says.
“You’re stillnot over the Tom thing?” Sophia’s obviously exasperated and Jensen
can’t help feeling a little hurt. She should hate him as much as Jensen does,
if only to show solidarity. It’s not like Tom deserves her sympathy.
“What? He hates me, I hate him; it’s the way of life.”
Sophia fixes him with a pitying look, as though she’s about to disabuse a child
of the fact that Santa doesn’t exist. “Tom barely knows who you are, Jensen.”
“That’s impossible. We’ve had class together two years in a row.”
“I’m telling you, you wasted all this time hating him and he can’t even
remember your name or who the hell you are.”
Jensen opens his mouth to make a snide remark when Misha puts his lunch tray
down next to Sophia. He sits down and looks between the two of them like
they’re his parents, about to get a divorce over the dinner table.
“Everything okay?”
“No,” Sophia says at the exact same time Jensen says “yes.”
Misha blinks and turns his attention to his Caesar salad, carefully not saying
anything.
“Jensen here is just blowing things way out of proportion, as usual,” Sophia
says scathingly.
“As if,” Jensen scowls. “You know it’s—”
“Did you just say ‘as if?’” Misha snorts.
“Shut up, Mish.”
Sophia grins and Jensen’s scowl twitches and breaks into a weary smile. “Okay,
so, maybe I have some issues with Tom Welling. But they’re not going to be a
problem for much longer anyways.”
“How come?” Misha says around a mouthful of lettuce.
“Because I messed with his grades online.”
Misha suddenly chokes, Sophia’s eyes widening as she slaps him on the back.
“You did what?”Misha asks, blanching.
“I just rearranged some grades, that’s all. Easy stuff.”
“No, not anymore,” Misha says, shaking his head with wide eyes. “Oh, shit.”
“What?” Jensen swallows, trying to ignore the way his heartbeat’s picking up.
“Kripke had me strengthen the school’s mainframe. He said we needed to up
security for privacy reasons, because all of the donations and stuff that are
coming in from the alumni…”
Jensen’s stomach bottoms out. “So what’ll it do?”
“Log your IP address. I kept the security system fairly simple but there’s no
way you got past it untagged if you weren’t being careful.”
“I wasn’t,” Jensen says in a hollow voice. “I thought it was the same as
before. I didn’t notice anything different.”
“Well then you weren’t paying attention,” Misha says, eyes wide. “Shit, man,
I’m sorry—”
“Is there any way you can keep me from getting busted?”
“I don’t think so,” Misha says, shaking his head, his mouth drawn tight in
sympathy. “How long were you in the system?”
“I fixed Padalecki’s grades and I messed with Tom’s, so a good ten minutes at
least.”
“Yeah, that’d be plenty of time to trip my security. Jensen, if I’d known you
were gonna—”
“Don’t worry about it,” Jensen says, hearing his voice as though it belongs to
someone else. “How would you have known I was gonna do something that stupid?”
Misha probably thinks he deserves what he got since he actually has a heart
unlike half the student body at their school, but he doesn’t say so and it
means a lot.
Sophia and Misha have both stopped eating and are staring at Jensen pityingly,
which is only making things worse. The bell rings and there’s a huge clamor as
students gather up their books and throw away their trash, talking and
laughing.
Jensen doesn’t get up, still in a kind of disbelieving trance.
“Jen, you coming?” Sophia asks, her hand on his shoulder from across the table.
“No, you guys go ahead. I gotta get my binder from…” he trails off. Misha and
Sophia exchange a look, but they nod and leave him alone.
Jensen waits until they’re gone and the cafeteria is mostly empty before
getting to his feet. He’s supposed to be going to Health, but for once, he
might skip class.
He steps out into the hallway, his Converse screeching slightly on the waxed
floor.
If Kripke knows that he’s been hacking into the school’s files, he’ll report it
to Dr. Larson and Jensen might as well start packing his bags now.
He wanders down the corridor towards Dr. Morgan’s room on auto-pilot, passing
the rows of lockers meant for the day students. He’s not worried about being
caught without a hall pass.  Pretty soon his troubles are going to be a whole
hell of a lot bigger than being out of class unexcused. 
He pauses in front of the trophy cabinet for a moment, his eyes passing over
the student council photos. Jared’s grinning, dimples and bright white teeth,
next to Sophia, also dimpled.
Jensen had never figured on losing both of them, especially not so close
together. But he knows they’re all drifting apart, that when high school’s done
they’ll all go their separate ways.
If Jensen even finishes school at Eldridge, that is.
Just then, his phone vibrates in his pocket. He doesn’t bother getting his
hopes up and rubs his eyes with a heavy sigh. Feeling bad about Chris on top of
everything else is probably the last thing he needs right now.
It vibrates again, insisting, and Jensen picks up.
“Hey. I’ve been meaning to call—”
“Are you gonna bother explaining why I’m getting picture texts of your dick
from people I used to play football with?” Chris cuts him off.
Jensen rubs his temples. “I’m flattered you think my sex life is thatactive,
but I don’t think any football players on the team right now have seen my
dick.”
“Sure looks like yours.”
“What, are you some kind of expert on cock now? Funny, since you still haven’t
come out—”
“Jensen,” Chris hisses. “This isn’t about that. I’m being serious. I really
think these pictures are of you. I can see your chin in a few of them and those
are definitely your boxers.”
And then it hits him. Because now that he thinks about it, someone hastaken
pictures of him. “W-what?”
“Yeah,” Chris says gravely.
“Who sent them?”
“Steve Carlson.”
“Steve—?”
“So, yeah. You wanna explain why Steve has those?”
“There might… be some incriminating pictures of me on someone’s phone,” Jensen
says carefully. “But not Steve’s.”
“Padalecki,” Chris says under his breath. “He must’ve sent them out.”
“He wouldn’t,” Jensen says quickly. “Really, Chris, he wouldn’t do that—”
Would he?
“Well, he did, because I’m looking at them right now.”
Jensen blushes in spite of himself, scratching his neck. “Look, Chris, I was
drunk and it was just one of those things.”
“Just one of those things you do with someone you’re not dating. Let them take
pictures of you naked, lying out on a bed,” Chris says flatly. “When I have to
beg you just to come home for a weekend.”
“It was stupid, it was just a dare. Those weren’t even supposed to be, like,
hotor anything.”
“Y’know, you’re not the person I thought you were.”
It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does to hear Chris say it, because it’s true.
Jensen’s known for a long time that Chris is interested in the kid he’d been a
few years ago, not the guy who fucked around with two people at the same time,
not the guy who couldn’t decide what he wanted.
“Chris, don’t. It didn’t mean—” but Jensen can’t finish his sentence. The
pictures might not mean anything, but he sure as hell remembers watching Jared
jack off while he was on the phone with Chris, not really listening to anything
Chris said. He remembers falling asleep with his fingers wrapped in Jared’s
hair and remembers waking up in the morning and kissing him until his lips were
swollen.
He remembers saying, I need thisand realizing how true it was, even if he was
scared.
“I’m not the jealous type, Jen, but this is getting ridiculous. If you don’t
want to bother with me anymore just say so. I feel like a fucking chump.”
Which is fair. Yet, somehow, Jensen feels like a chump, too, when he says sorry
again.
“It’s a little too late, Jen. I don’t even know why I thought this could work.
You’re just a kid, and you obviously have no idea what you want.”
“Look, Chris, it’s not like we were datingor anything. You didn’t seem to want
that, either,” Jensen says, pinching the bridge of his nose and squeezing his
eyes shut.
“You don’t know shit about what I want,” Chris growls.
“Yeah? And whose fault is that?” Jensen snaps back.
“I wanted you,Jen. I came back for you.I didn’t think there’d be a waiting
list—”
“Please,” Jensen says. “As if I ever put anyone before you.”
But his stomach drops. Chris had never said he came back for Jensen. He doesn’t
know what to believe, if Chris is trying to make him feel bad, or if it’s
true. 
“At the football game, the way you—” Chris breaks off, obviously angry with
himself. “Just forget it.”
“The way I what?” Jensen swallows.
“Tell Padalecki I said hi, will you? And to be more careful with your dick pics
in the future.”
“Chris—”
“Call me when you turn eighteen or figure out what you want,” Chris says, acid
in his voice. “Whichever comes first.”
He hangs up. It’s kind of funny because, for once, Chris is the one being the
drama queen, but what he said is genuinely digging at Jensen, and then there’s
the issue of his nudes circulating the school at this very moment which is only
a little heart-stoppingly fucked up.
Jensen walks through the double doors at the end of the hall, half-expecting it
to set off some kind of alarm, but it doesn’t.
He follows the path that leads to the dorms without a destination in mind. He
breathes in the cold, expelling vapor from his mouth and shivering in his
uniform.
He walks until his feet start to hurt, taking the long way through campus. The
trees are bare now, skeletal limbs stretching to the clear, faded blue sky.
Jensen keeps moving, one foot in front of the other, trying to blot out the
sound of Chris’ voice, the knowledge that today could well be his last day at
school, depending on how fast Kripke moved to notify the administration.
By the last bell rings after what must be a couple of hours, echoing through
the empty grounds, Jensen’s sitting on a bench at the tree line, windswept and
cold. Grayish purple clouds are setting in and the sun is already starting to
sink.
He gets up again, not wanting to run into anyone he knows and follows the road
out of Eldridge’s gates, heading towards the suburbs. It’s after school hours
and no one can chastise him for leaving as long as he’s back before curfew.
His shoes pound on the pavement and the wind picks up. He passes row after row
of houses with decorative shutters and stylish stone fronts, past a playground
he used to come to with Sophia when they had free time. Of course, they never
have free time anymore.
Meanwhile, the shadows lengthen and the sky turns a softer blue shot through
with yellow. He already has to turn around or walk home in the dark.
He makes a quick decision and pulls his phone out of his pocket.
Meet me in the gym in twenty minutes.Jensen has trouble typing out the text,
his fingers are shaking so badly.
Jared might ignore the text, mistaking it for some kind of hookup attempt, but
he shows up after about ten minutes after Jensen, long hair disheveled by the
wind.
His cheeks are chafed pink and he unwinds a black scarf from around his neck as
he walks towards Jensen. He’s wary and unsmiling, and just for a moment,
Jensen’s stomach clenches with how odd it is for Jared to be so tired when he
could be grinning like usual with Jensen kissing the smile right off him.
But then he remembers why he brought him here.
“You said.”
“I said what?” Jared blinks.
“The pictures,” Jensen says. “The ones you took of me. That night when we were
drinking.”
Jared waves his hand for him to go on.
“You sentthem to people. After you promised you wouldn’t—”
Jared almost grins. “Good one, Ackles. What’s this really about?”
“You think this is funny?” Jensen snarls.
“Are you… are you being serious?”
“The fuck do you think?”
Jared goes pale and takes out his phone, scrolling through his sent messages.  
“It had to be someone on the team. Practice was the only time I didn’t have my
phone on me.”
“So I’m supposed to believe that you just left your phone lying around and
someone happened to find those pictures and thought it’d be a great idea to
forward them to all your contacts?”
“What, you think I’mthrilled about this?”
“How could this possibly have anything to do with you?” Jensen snaps.
“They came from myphone, Ackles, in case you forgot.”
“So fucking what? My junkis circulating the entire school. Jesus Christ,
Jared.”
“Nobody knows it’s you,” Jared hisses. “You can’t see your face in the
pictures.”
“It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out,” Jensen says. “Shit, it was enough
for Chris to know and I’m sure he’s not the only one. What if the school calls
my mom?”
Jared snorts. “And says what? ‘Excuse us, ma’am, but your son’s balls have been
circulating campus lately?’”
“Why are you being such an asshole about this?” Jensen asks, but he understands
even as he says it.
“This isn’t about us at all,” he says slowly. “Genevieve’s gonna see those and
she’s gonna know they’re from your phone. That’s what you’re worrying about.”
Jared colors.
“I—”
Jensen laughs. “I can’t even believe this. Wow, Padalecki. Just… wow.”
“Jensen, it’s not about that—”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not, I just—”
“Stop. Stop talking, Jared.”
Jared does, falling silent and looking at him warily.
 “You wanted this,” Jensen says slowly.
The pieces have all been there, staring him in the face since day fucking one.
He just didn’t want to see them; was too concerned with getting his dick sucked
and being wrapped up in all the bullshit Padalecki fed him about them.
He’s starting to see it now. There was never any “them” at all. At least not
the way he thought.
“Wanted what? Your balls to be all over campus?”
“Genevieve. Tom, and Sandy.”
“What?” Jared blinks.
“I don’t believe this,” Jensen laughs, running a hand through his hair. “I
mean, I knew you were fucked in the head, but this…”
Jared freezes, his eyes narrowed. He doesn’t say anything.
“I can’t believe you’ve had me going this long. But hey, it must’ve been nice
to have an extra hand getting you off, huh?”
“What are you talking about?” Jared asks with his brow furrowed.
“This whole thing. It’s never been about me, or you, or even us getting back at
Tom.”
Jared doesn’t say anything.
“You only wanted Tom out of the picture to get at Cortese. And Sandy was right
there, a perfect scapegoat so you could move in on Tom’s girl.” Jensen laughs.
“And, hey, you made me look like a jackass and Sandy look like a skank on top
of it. Looks like you’re getting everything you wanted all along.”
Jensen’s blood is rising into a boil, scalding and turning his face red.
“Musta been nice when you realized how easy it’d be to get me on your side;
have me do your dirty work and jerk you off, too. Guess it was a perfect
arrangement,” he spits. “And now you’re off Scot-free.”
Jared still isn’t speaking and Jensen hears more truth in his silence than any
of the weak interruptions he’d tried to make.
“You said you didn’t owe Eldridge kids anything, that you weren’t sorry. I
guess I didn’t realize I fit into that category, too.”
“Don’t be stupid, you’re not—”
“What, not like them?”
“Not really.”
“Bullshit, Padalecki. I’m the worst of the worst here and even I know it. I
know I’m not the most likable person in the world but Jesus Christ, I thought
I’d met someone who could handle that.”
“If you’d calm down for a fucking second—”
“I’m not calming down,” Jensen cuts him off, his voice rising in a way it
hasn’t since he last spoke to Sophia. Maybe it’s because this conversation
feels the same way that one did: like Jensen’s grasping at thin air. He really
should’ve learned by now that trying to talk out his problems always ends with
him being an idiot and the people he cares about turning their backs on him.
Even now he’s reaching and pushing at the same time, desperate for Jared to
listen to him and tell him he’s wrong, but at the same time absolutely sure
that he’s not doing it the right way. Jared’s not exactly the most susceptible
person to threats at the best of times.
Either way Jensen loses.
Either he’s wrong and Jared walks out for the way Jensen’s talking to him now,
or Jensen’s right and Jared walks out on him for the way he’s talking to him
and goes after Genevieve with all he’s got. And hell, after all this, what
pride does Jensen have left to lose?  
“You done?” Jared asks. His voice is quiet, almost overwhelmed by the rush of
the heating system that whirrs in the gym. “You never trusted me at all, did
you? That’s why you’ll sleep with Chris but not me, isn’t it?”
“If you think I—” Jensen spits, too angry to string together a proper sentence.
“You—is that what’s bothering you so much? That I won’t sleepwith you? Is that
why you won’t kiss me or even lookat me all of a sudden?”
“No,” Jared snaps back immediately. “Don’t try to pin this on me.”
Jensen’s starting to lose track of what exactly they’re even fighting about,
all he knows is that he’s seeing red and Jared’s only making it easier to lash
out.
“Also, you might be interested in the fact that Morgan keeps a hard copy of his
grades.”
“What’s that got to do with anything?” Jared says stiffly, his shoulders
heaving.
“Are you really that stupid?” Jensen hisses. “He’s going to know we changed
grades. Which, I imagine, is an expellable offense.”
Jared doesn’t so much as blink.
“We’ve seriously breached the school’s privacy policy. In case it’s not getting
through your thick skull, we’re in deep shit, Padalecki.”
Jared’s mouth goes tight for a moment, his brow furrowing. Then he says,
abruptly, “They’re not gonna kick you out. Not with your brains and your
grades.”
“Yeah? How ‘bout your folks’ little contributionsto the school? And the sports?
They need you. They’ve got a whole line of other geeks to take my place and
then what?” Jensen’s yelling. He doesn’t know why, only that he needs to make
Jared understand how fucking serious this is.
“I did this for you.I risked everythingfor you, and now I’m gonna be the one to
take the fall because you were too busy dicking around all year—”
Jared’s unrecognizable, his face blank and his hazel eyes hard and shining.
“You know what, Jensen?”
Jensen doesn’t know. Not at fucking all because everything’s moving so fast.
He’s sticking a hand out the window of a speeding car and can’t pull it back
in. He’s buffeted on all sides by shit he’s not ready to deal with, going
downhill and gathering more momentum.
“I didn’t want it to be like this with you, but you just can’t fucking let
go,”Jared shakes his head. “I don’t know why I thought we could—that I—”
Jensen lets go of the wheel and puts his foot down on the gas. Might as well go
out with a bang at this point.
“Don’t talk to me,” Jensen snaps.
“Fine with me,” Jared retorts, getting to his feet. “I’m done.”
“I mean it. For the rest of the year.”
It’s as though nothing’s changed between them. Like Jensen doesn’t know how
Jared sounds when he comes, doesn’t know what he tastes like. Like he doesn’t
know how it feels to kiss him, touch him, be praised by him.
Jared nods and one side of his mouth quirks into a half-smile like he’s hearing
exactly what he expects. Or wants.
“It’s fine, Ackles. I know you’ve been waiting for this for a while now.”
“Waiting for what?”
“You won,” Jared shrugs. “You found a clean way to shake me off. You’ve been
waiting for me to fuck up ever since Kane came back and you never, everlet me
in. You were just waiting for me to stop being useful.”
“You ever think, just for a second,”Jensen breathes, “that I didn’t trust you
because you’re a spoiled, fucked up sociopath?”
Jared’s jaw tightens and for a second Jensen wonders if he’s pushed him too
far.
But then he smiles, and it’s just like before. Just like when he was Jared
Padalecki, star lacrosse player who went out of his way to make life miserable
for everyone he didn’t deem worthy. The boy sneering at him now isn’t the boy
who fed him candy and kissed him by the pool—it’s someone else entirely, and
Jensen has no problem tearing him apart.
But then Jared turns his back on him, walking away, still shaking his head.
Jensen watches Jared’s back as he strolls out of the gym, his good arm swinging
at his side.
There’s a crease on the left sleeve of Jared’s uniform that Jensen wants to
fix. Except it seems like every time he’s touched something lately, all he’s
done is fuck it up.
 
*****
 
Jensen’s in the computer lab when he spots his chance to test Sophia’s story.
At lunch she’d said, he doesn’t even know who you are.But how could that be?
He’d seen him around with Jared, and he’d had classes with Jensen since they
started at Eldridge. Jensen had never gone out of his way to talk to Tom, but
he’d never made an effort to hide his dislike for him either.
He had stayed after to finish a project for European History when he noticed
Tom in the back row of computers, his brow furrowed as he glared at his screen.
Jensen clears his throat and gets to his feet, acting like he’s waiting for
something to print while checking out what Tom’s doing. It looks like a
spreadsheet, maybe for a math class.
Tom’s moved on to tapping his fingers on the table and giving little annoyed
huffs every thirty seconds or so.
Jensen edges nearer. “You need help with that?”
For a moment, Tom just looks at him blankly. It’s sort of surreal, like he’s
see-through or something. He clears his throat and Tom finally nods.
“Your name’s Ackles, right?”
“Yeah,” Jensen swallows.
It’s just like the scene in the hallway all those months ago when he’d bumped
into Jensen. He’s sort of gaping at Tom and his stomach bottoms out.
Sophia was right. Despite all his book smarts and honors, Tom really is that
clueless. Apart from his name, Tom doesn’t know who Jensen is.
Jensen clears his throat. “Do you need help with that?”
Tom shrugs, clearly not keen on the idea of having some computer geek leaning
over him. Jensen ignores him and steps in anyways.
 “You just have to rearrange the columns like this…” Jensen hovers over Tom for
a full five minutes or so, showing him how to make the chart and enter the
proper formulas. He listens but obviously isn’t riveted by the information or
the fact that Jensen’s telling him what to do.
Finally, Jensen backs off, leaving Tom to his own devices. He squints at the
screen for a while, then makes the corrections Jensen suggested.
“Thanks,” Tom grunts, not looking at him.
And that’s it. There’s no added malice, no sneering comments.
Jensen nods and gathers his books into his bag, making for his dorm at top
speed. He doesn’t want to think it, but he does anyways.
He had only agreed to Jared’s plan because he thought the way he hated Tom was
mutual, and what if Jared had known all along that Jensen was acting the idiot?
What if from the beginning, he knew Jensen had issues with Tom and knew that he
could use it to manipulate him? To get him to do what he wanted?
After all, it’s not like Jensen’s come out of their deal looking good in any
way, shape, or form. He’d always kept his sexuality quiet, yet since he became
involved with Jared, there are pictures of his dick that he’d let another guy
take all over the school. He’d been late for classes, he’d jeopardized his
relationships with Chris and his friends. He’d broken more rules than he ever
had in his life all within the space of a few short months and he’d done all of
it because of the fucked up deal he’d made with Jared.
More and more it’s looking like anyone who ever got on the wrong side of Jared
Padalecki is paying for it all at once, and maybe Jared’s a lot more organized
than Jensen’s ever given him credit for.
***** Thirteen *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
                       I am trying to break your heart
                 Still I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t easy
                        I am trying to break your heart
 
The next few days are nothing short of hell. Any day the administration is
going to find out what he did and he wonders what’s taking them so long.
Jensen’s torn every single time he sees Jared between a fierce desire to punch
him or jump him—he could go either way.
Jared sits in the first three rows of every class they have together, yet never
near enough for Jensen to talk to him. He participates in class, stays awake,
and takes notes. The bags under his eyes are more pronounced than usual;
otherwise he gives no indication that he’s unhappy. He laughs and talks too
loud like always.
Because he’s the worst kind of masochist, Jensen makes a My Morning Jacket
playlist. Golden hits him in all the worst places; makes him miss driving in
Jared’s Tahoe back when everything was, if not easy, at least comfortable.
He jacks off more than he ever has in a week, mostly in the shower, where he
can be as loud as he wants. When orgasm washes over him, he experiences a few
blistering moments of heat, of forgetting about Jared and how not being able to
smell him, feel him up close and taste him is like being offered water when
he’s starving.
He can’t remember the last time he felt so lousy. Maybe when Chris left, but
even then there was nothing he could’ve done to fix it and he had plenty of
distractions. True, there were a million things he’d imagined doing differently
that would’ve made Chris stay (kissing him sooner, not kissing him at all,
being less obvious, less needy), but he knew there was no way he could’ve
stopped Chris if he’d made up his mind to leave.
This time it’s entirely on him.
He should’ve seen it. His pride had blinded him to the most obvious signs. He’d
wanted to believe someone like Jared was interested in him; that he was
attractive and capable and desirable. He’d let Jared wind him up and he’d
likedit, Hell, he’d said he neededit.
Padalecki had probably laughed his ass off behind Jensen’s back. While Jensen
had been feeling smug about himself, Jared had gotten him to do everything he
wanted—his homework, the pranks on Tom, and even had Jensen to suck him off to
sweeten the deal. And if he’d cared about Jensen at all, it was probably
nothing compared to how he felt about Genevieve.
Jensen had never needed Jared to lovehim, or anything, but knowing their mutual
respect had meant nothing in the end was a slap in the face that Jensen
couldn’t bear quietly.
If there’s one thing he hates, it’s looking stupid. Worse than that, he
feelsstupid. He feels like the world’s biggest idiot, and on top of it, he’s
lost his best friend and Chris, too. 
Rumors fly left and right about Jared now but the stares are all directed at
Jensen, whispers passing behind hands every time he walks down the hall.
“I just wish I knew what they were waiting for,” Jensen growls, leaning against
a locker and shooting a couple of freshmen a filthy look. They scurry off to
class, giggling and looking over their shoulders at him.
“Well, most of them think you made the whole thing up about you and Jared, and
that you sent him those pictures because you were, like desperate,” Danneel
says, frowning. “And some of them think Jared just wanted to walk on the wild
side because he was bored.”
“Trust me, he did more than walk on it,” Jensen mutters. “I guess he can get
away with it because he’s popular.”
“I know. It’s not fair. But fuck them. Who cares what they think?”
“Don’t you?” Jensen asks, fixing his gaze on her. “How come you haven’t told
anyone how you feel about Genevieve?”
Danneel looks at him, the expression on her face almost pitying. “What did I
have to gain by saying shit, Jensen? She was always going to get with
Padalecki.”
Jensen drops her gaze. So Danneel hadn’t been as stupid as him. She never
believed for a second that she had a shot with Genevieve when he’d been hanging
all over Jared.
Danneel reaches out to rest her hand on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry, Jensen. I know everyone thinks you’re an asshole, but you aren’t.
At least not as much as you think you are.”
“Thanks, I think.”
He doesn’t need or want anyone’s sympathy, but he can appreciate honesty.
Danneel’s obviously not one hundred percent on his side and he doesn’t need her
to be.
He’s back to square one. If he wants to move forward, he’s going to have to put
his blinders back on and focus on the finish line. He’s alone in the race and
he was stupid to let himself think he wasn’t.
 
*****
 
The call to the headmaster’s office comes on Friday, the last day before
Christmas break. No one in his class bothers with oohing when he gets up. They
must assume he’s won yet another award and is getting a pat on the head. 
He takes a seat in the hall outside the headmaster’s office and waits, his legs
crossed. He expects it to be short, that he’ll be called in as soon as the
receptionist sees him. But no, they keep him waiting. First ten minutes. Then
twenty. Then twenty-five.
From the outside he looks impassive. The only thing that would give him away is
how he can’t stop worrying his bottom lip because he ran out of mints fifteen
minutes ago.
His palms are sweating and he wipes them on his khakis, letting his head fall
back against the wall. There’s no clean way to end this. He lost control and
he’s paying for it. Hell, he gavehis control away, laid it right out at
Padalecki’s feet.
He doesn’t know what to expect once he’s called in, but he knows it’s going to
take some quick thinking and probably a lot of lying.
So he thinks of a list—pros, and cons.
 
*****
 
Jensen sits in the rickety chair in the lobby for half an hour before the door
swings open and Jared comes out with a man who’s presumably his father.
Mr. Padalecki is tall like his son and his eyes are darker. They have the same
pointed nose and strong jaw. He casts Jensen an appraising look, his lip curled
at the corner as he sweeps Jared out and away from the boy he thinks ruined his
son. It’s probably partly true. Jared might not’ve taken things so far without
an accomplice— especially an accomplice he was all but fucking on the side.
“Jensen Ackles? The headmaster will see you now.”
Jensen gets to his feet and starts the walk towards his fate. Jared doesn’t so
much as look at him, just follows his father with his gaze fixed straight
ahead. But as they brush past each other, Jensen feels knuckles ghost against
his. He has no way of knowing if Jared meant to do it, or if the hall’s too
narrow to allow Jared to totally skirt around him.
Jensen takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes against the acid rising from his
stomach. He tries not to think about how it seeps through him, around his heart
and through his blood, eating away at his resolve, and steps inside Larson’s
office.
The room is cavernous with two tall windows on each side. The headmaster’s desk
is positioned in front of a pane of glass that takes up most of the back wall,
a massive window with a view of the entire valley beneath the school.
He’s never noticed how easily his school could pass as Hogwarts and he has to
choke back a laugh. He straightens his features into what he hopes is passably
neutral.
Dr. Larson glances up from his paperwork at the sound of Jensen’s footsteps.
It’s every “kid gets in trouble” scene Jensen’s ever watched in a movie, right
down to the “Have a seat, Mr. Ackles.”
He does.
Jensen rarely sees the headmaster on campus, and never this close. He’s old,
but still gives off the impression of strength. His voice is a quiet rasp and
his hair is light gray, his eyes a pale blue accentuated by the navy vest under
his suit coat.
Larson takes off his reading glasses and wipes them on his suit coat. “I’ve
never had the pleasure of having you in my office, Jensen.”
“No, sir.”
Jared would die if he heard those words out of Larson’s mouth. Jensen can just
imagine him wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. In fact, he’s surprised Jared’s
never tried to fuck him in here. Which is not at all an appropriate thought to
be having when he’s about to get his head cut off by the school’s senior
executioner.
“If I didn’t have express proof of your involvement in recent events, I
wouldn’t have believed it possible. You’ve been an asset to this school and a
model student.”
 “Thank you, sir.”
Jensen shifts in his seat, coloring at the disappointment in Larson’s voice. It
doesn’t matter that he thinks the guy’s a soulless old gargoyle. Given the
chance, Jensen would probably be able to explain it away. Jared could, too—and
probably did.
“Tom Welling has been in my office lately to file complaints about Jared
Padalecki, Mr. Ackles. Were you aware of this?”
“No,” Jensen says truthfully.
“And I had Mr. Padalecki himself in my office just now, do you know why that
is?”
“No,” Jensen says again, trying to keep his tone level.
Jensen’s stomach turns over. The way Jared’s been acting the past few weeks, so
unlike himself, averting his eyes when Jensen’s around, keeping his head down
in class almost like he’s embarrassed.
Or ashamed.
In their very first conversation, Jared had said I’m gonna do what I have
to.Never mind the rest, because Jared always covered his own ass, the way
Jensen would’ve in his position. What if he’d already ratted Jensen out for
everything?
“After Dr. Kripke notified me that someone had tampered with the school’s
online grading system, he was able to track the changes. The only ones made
were to Tom Welling’s grades and Jared Padalecki’s. Yet it was your IP address
that Dr. Kripke traced.”
“Yes, sir,” Jensen says, unsure of how much he should give away yet.
“And I asked myself, why would a student like yourself risk expulsion for a
student like Mr. Padalecki, a student on the brink of expulsion?”
Jensen doesn’t trust himself to speak. He nods instead and Larson goes on.
“We’ve already had complaints about Jared Padalecki and bullying. Which leads
me to believe that you aren’t entirely to blame for what’s happened to Tom
Welling.”
Jensen looks up from his lap. He’s starting to sense where this is going.
“If you tell us the truth, Jensen, we’ll do what we can to let you continue
your advanced studies. I would hate for such a bright pupil to fall by the
wayside because of some juvenile pranks. After all,” Larson smiles, “Boys will
be boys.”
Jensen’s heart skips a beat and he can feel his flush deepening. He’s being
given a chance and worming his way out of trouble’s been a talent of his since
he was six.
In fifth grade, he’d pushed Tyler Herron over on the playground and got sent to
the principal’s office. He’d cried and blubbered and swore up and down that he
didn’t do it. They’d believed him and his wide green eyes because Jensen didn’t
seemlike a liar.
Tyler was told off for fibbing and had his recess taken away while Jensen
played tag with the rest of his classmates. Jensen hadn’t felt all that bad.
Actually, it was the opposite. He’d been relieved, heavy with the same sick
triumph a shoplifter feels walking past detectors Scot-free.
He hadn’t gotten any better with age judging by the rush he got from pranking
Tom. He’d gotten away with it over and over, let the adrenaline rule his better
judgment. He’d had chances to quit while he was ahead and he hadn’t.
Against all odds, he has a chance to walk away again, offered up on a silver
platter as long as he presents Jared’s head instead of his own. He doesn’t owe
Jared anything.
It’s too easy.
Larson leans in closer, a gesture meant to be comforting, but his piercing eyes
are unnerving. “Jensen, I know you want to protect your friend…”
Jensen almost laughs. After all they’ve been through, what they’ve done to each
other; Jared isn’t what he’d call a friend. It’s too tangled up. He’s something
more, but still less.
“All due respect, sir, Padalecki’s not my friend.”
Larson laces his fingers together on the desk. “And what do you mean by that,
Mr. Ackles? From what I understand, Mr. Padalecki can be… forceful. Did he
threaten you or put you in any position that made you uncomfortable?”
“No, nothing like that,” Jensen says hastily. “Just… you know, he has a lot of
friends. And I…” he trails off and looks down at his shoes. He’s milking it
hard now, and if his story’s going to crack, this is what might do it. “He’s
really, um, popular and stuff.”
“Is that why you were tutoring him, Jensen? You wanted to be in his group?”
“Yeah,” Jensen says, swallowing. “I got to sit with them at lunch, and, you
know.”
“I understand,” Larson says with a private smile. “Students can be unforgiving
towards those that stand out. Especially when they themselves are not
succeeding at your level.”
Jensen nods, feeling vaguely nauseous. Funnily enough, he recognizes that all
the stuff coming out of Larson’s mouth isn’t too far from what Jensen’s always
said about himself; that he’s special, misunderstood, deserving of some kind of
favoritism.
“However, it’s come to my attention that there might have been another
situation between you and Mr. Padalecki.”
Jensen freezes in his chair. His palms might actually be dripping onto the
floor. Of all the things for Larson to get right…
Instead of his life flashing before his eyes, Jensen gets bits of the last four
months—on his knees in front of Jared in the locker room, Jared’s face in his
lap during Geology, kissing him for the first time with his legs dangling in
the pool, the taste of peppermint and salt from Jared’s fingers. Truth or dare
in his dorm.
“Even with the best of intentions, completing another student’s homework
qualifies as cheating, Mr. Ackles, and would result in expulsion if this wasn’t
a special case.”
Jensen’s breath rushes out of him again. “Yes, sir.”
“Your Calculus teacher, thankfully, has been most helpful in my ruling. He has
vouched for you over and over again in this matter and thinks it would be wise
to make an exception for you. In fact, I’ve called him to my office to join
us.”
As if on cue, Dr. Morgan steps through the door, his steps soft on the thick
carpet. He’s dressed in a dark Henley with a long-sleeved shirt underneath, as
casual as Jensen’s ever seen him. Still, he commands respect without having to
raise his voice or draw attention to himself.
“Good afternoon, Jeff. Jensen and I were just discussing the repercussions he’s
facing.”
Dr. Morgan nods. Jensen would never be able to think of him as Jeff.“Well, you
know where I stand in this case. Jensen’s a good student. It doesn’t surprise
me that other kids were taking advantage of his abilities.”
His dark eyes linger on Jensen and he feels himself flush red all over.
Morgan’s holding Jensen’s future in his hands and he owes Jensen absolutely
nothing. Morgan’s always gone out of his way for him, always given him the
benefit of the doubt, but Jensen had cheated and taken advantage of his trust,
there’s no way around it.
“Thus far, the school board’s decision is that Mr. Ackles’ scholarships should
be revoked until we see fit. We think it would be good for him to re-learn the
values of this school: hard work, and dedication and excellence.”He emphasizes
the last word, his light eyes fixed on Jensen, who’s trying his best to hold
his gaze. “As long as Jensen has your vote of confidence, we will allow him to
continue his studies here at Eldridge on probationary status.”
Dr. Morgan leans back against the wall, his brow furrowed. Jensen can’t stand
to look at him. His face burns and he wonders if he’ll sink through the floor
with the weight of that stare on him.
“He didn’t violate any other policies to my knowledge, Dr. Larson.”
Jensen’s eyes snap up to his teacher before he can stop himself. Morgan’s
watching him with a slight frown but he doesn’t give anything else away. He has
to know that Jensen’s been giving Jared the Calc tests in advance, now that
he’s been exposed as a hacker and Jared’s accomplice.
“In any case, Mr. Padalecki has accepted blame for everything that’s happened
to Tom Welling, and he also told me it was his idea to hack both his and Tom’s
grades. I’m glad to see your stories line up, Jensen. I knew you wouldn’t be
involved in anything so petty.”
Jensen’s blood runs cold.
Jared responsible for everything? He wasn’t supposed to do that. He was
supposed to blame Jensen for at least something, the bits he couldn’t possibly
have pulled off on his own. And the hacking? No way he could’ve done it,
especially in comparison to Jensen who’s won awardsfor programming.
“I’m going to ask you a few more questions, Jensen, and then we’ll wrap this
up. Did Jared use your laptop to alter his own grades?”
“Yes,” Jensen says quietly, blood pounding in his ears.
“Were you aware that he was going to do it?”
“No, sir. He told me he needed to use my computer to write a report.”
“And did he also make changes to Tom Welling’s reports?”
“Yes,” Jensen says. His voice doesn’t waver. “He told me afterwards.”
Larson’s smarter than that. He’s got to know that Padalecki couldn’t have…
And it hits Jensen. Larson doesknow. He just doesn’t care.
Jared’s already on probation and injured on top of it. He was flagged in the
school’s system, not doing anything for the school’s rep. Jensen, meanwhile,
keeps churning out scholarship-worthy work and winning recognition for
Eldridge.
But maybe this is part of Jared’s final coup. He had to know he was going to be
kicked out, so why not go out as a martyr? Everyone in the school would hear
his side of the story; everyone would think he was a righteous little hero
compared to Jensen. This is his chance to make everyone forget the rumors that
had been flying about him.
Jensen doesn’t know what to think, what to believe, and Larson’s already
pushing his chair back and getting to his feet, gesturing Jensen to the door.
“Very well, Mr. Ackles, you’re free to go. We’ll be in touch with your parents
soon. Have a good holiday.”
“Yes, sir.” He doesn’t bother to correct Larson’s plural use of parents.Jensen
staggers to his feet, not looking at Larson or Morgan but making a beeline for
the door, hardly able to believe his luck.  
 
*****
 
Jensen catches Sophia outside in The Circle, loading her car with suitcases.
She usually drives back to New York after the semester ends to spend Christmas
with her family—or at least in the same house as her family. Her parents threw
a lot of holiday parties, but that was it as far as Christmas celebrations
went.
“Hey, Soph.”
She turns and gives him a weak smile. “You survived.”
“Padalecki took the blame for everything, he—”
“I heard,” Sophia says, not meeting his eyes. Eldridge’s rumor mill must be
running at double speed today.
“I’m free,” Jensen says, spreading his arms with a smile. “Back on top.”
Sophia smiles back, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m glad you’re okay, Jen.”
But she doesn’t look like it.
“You okay?” Jensen asks, not sure if he wants to hear the answer.
“Yeah, it’s just… Jared’s been expelled. I’m sure you heard. Chad’s been
telling anyone who’ll listen.”
“Expelled,” Jensen repeats.
“What’d you expect?” Sophia shrugs.
Nothing, really. He’d been too busy trying to cover his own ass to watch out
for Jared’s, too.
“It was Jared’s idea to hack into the system,” Jensen says, somewhat lamely.
“Was it his idea to mess with Tom’s grades, too?”
“No,” Jensen admits. “But I would’ve been tagged in the system by then anyways
with the way Misha set up security.”
“Did you tell them that?”
“Not exactly.”
“What didyou tell them?” Sophia asks, her tone mild.
Jensen shrugs. No matter what he says, he’s not going to come out looking like
a hero, but it doesn’t matter. He’s keeping his place in school and that’s
what’s most important.
“How could you do that, Jensen? I knew you were being stupid but part of me
hoped it was because you and Jared—because I thought you hadsomething.”
“Had something?” Jensen repeats stupidly. Yeah, they’d had something. Blowjobs,
pranks, and a few laughs here and there. It was what it was and it’s over.
“I guess part of me was hoping you were holding on to that grudge because it
meant you were holding on to being with Jared, too. Because you and him? That
was the only part of that mess that made any kind of sense.”
“Soph,” Jensen scoffs. “He was just usingme. I mean, look at us now.”
“You sure he was the one using you?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jensen asks, his cheeks coloring despite the
cold.
“You let him take the fall, after everything that happened between you?”
“Well, yeah. I told him that’s how it would be if we got caught, way back in
the beginning of the year. He didn’t have to say it was allhim, but he did. I’m
not looking this one in the mouth.”
Sophia bites her lip. Bizarrely, she looks like she’s about to cry. “For
someone so smart, you can be really, really fucking stupid sometimes.”
“You’re supposed to be on my side,” Jensen tries to smile but it comes out as a
grimace.
“I’m on your side, Jensen. I’m always on your side. But lately I’ve been
wondering if you need anyone on it. You’re gonna go far and do some amazing
things, I know it, but I just don’t think there’s room for anyone else up there
at the top with you.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Jensen says, reaching out for her hand. She lets him hold it
for a moment, squeezes back, then drops his grip. “I’ll always have room for
you.”
Sophia shakes her head. “I don’t think I believe you. I don’t know what to
think about you anymore.”
“Sophia, you’re my best friend. Jared was just, he didn’t mean anything—”
“He did, Jen. I was just waiting for you to see it. He was, too.”
“Wha—?”  Jensen splutters, staring at her. “He picked a girl over me, he—”
“And you picked Chris over him.”
“Chris isn’t even talking to me anymore.”
Sophia shrugs. “Maybe he got tired of waiting for you, too.”
She turns his back on him, slamming the trunk of her Volkswagen shut. “I’ll see
you in January. Have a good Christmas, Jen.”
 He watches her start her car and pull out into the street, the tires of her
car crunching on the salt laid down on the road.
Jensen stands alone in The Circle, breath coming out in puffs of vapor before
his eyes. His legs are shaking, so he sits down on one of the deck chairs and
watches the crowd of students heading home for break. They move in packs,
laughing, chatting, shoes crunching on the morning frost.
Had something.That’s a loaded phrase if ever there was one.
Jensen’s always had something.He’s had school, coding, and his future to think
about. He’s had his mother to make proud, his brother to outshine. He’s had
Sophia to set him straight, to scheme with him. He’s had Misha to help him out
and to make him uncomfortable. He’d had Jared to amuse, to make laugh and come
undone. He’d had Jared to put candy between his lips, to make him feel like he
belonged; to get him off and kiss him, tell him he’s perfect.He’d had Chris,
who liked him and looked out for him even after he came back and maybe actually
wanted to be with him.
He’d had.The phrase sounds funny in his head, the words too alike. Past tense,
but how could it be when it’d all happened so fast? Surely he couldn’t lose so
much of that because of one decision? Especially one everyone knew he would
make. Sophia’s disgust had merely been dramatics. She’d known Jensen longer
than anyone else at Eldridge; had to know that he’d done what he thought was
best. He had so much more to lose than Padalecki did—Jared didn’t even take
school seriously enough to try anymore.
Jensen huddles deeper into his peacoat. The clouds overhead are knitting
together in a uniform gray.
If he’s going to do this, he’ll have to hurry.
Jensen gets to his feet to start the trek over to Marshall. The path around The
Circle’s slick with ice, the air charged with the coming storm. The flurries
have started by the time he makes it down the hill at the far side of campus.
Puffy white flakes drop into the neck of his coat, puddles of freezing water
soaking into the wool while he waits outside the double doors.
Jensen only has to wait for five minutes before the doors swing open and
someone staggers out with a full hamper of laundry to bring home. Move out day
looks the same every year.
Jensen’s about to cross the threshold of Marshall when the hamper says his
name.
 “Ackles?”
 “Uh…yeah?”
Chad pokes his head out from behind the dirty clothes.
Great. Probably the last (or second to last, the last being the one he’s here
for) person Jensen wants to see right now.
Chad stares at him for a full twenty seconds before saying anything.
“He’s already gone. Wish he wasn’t so I could watch him kick your ass, but hey,
Christmas is coming and I haven’t been too shitty this year. Could still get my
wish.”
“Yeah. You could,” Jensen replies and lets the doors slam behind him so they
hit Chad with their full weight. Chad yelps on the other side and yells what
Jensen figures is an obscenity directed at him.
He climbs two flights of stairs and walks down the empty hall anyways. It’s
eerie and silent without the bros yelling their heads off.
Jensen glances at room 319 and bypasses it. He paces up and down the hall for a
good ten minutes, trying to get a grip on the buzzing in his head.
He hears raised voices coming from somewhere outside and walks to the snowy
window, glancing down into the parking lot.
Chad and James Lafferty are standing by a green Honda Civic, James holding what
looks like Chad’s Xbox 360. They seem to be yelling at each other, Chad
gesticulating and James with his free hand on his hip. Jensen can’t make out a
word but suddenly Chad’s Xbox is dropped in the snow, forgotten as Chad Murray
kisses James against the Civic.
Jensen thinks he might be choking on his own saliva in shock by the time James
starts kissing him back, swinging Chad around so he’s pressed against the car
instead, his hands on Chad’s ass.
How long has this been going on? Did Jared know about it?
He thinks back on all the times he’s been around Chad. He never once struck him
as gay, but then he always seemed to want to be around James.
“I guess you just never fucking know,” Jensen murmurs, backing away from the
window and looking again at Jared’s room.
He takes a deep breath and steps towards it. He’s being a massive bitch and
Jared’s probably already gone anyways.
Jensen stands outside 319 with his hands in his pockets. He can’t help wanting
the door to swing open; wanting Jared to be lounging against the door frame
with his hair all over the place and his stupid mug mocking Jensen for coming
back.
The door does open a second later but it’s not Jared, like he knew it wouldn’t
be.
Matt’s looking down at his phone and nearly runs into him.
“Shit, sorry Jensen. I, uh…”
Matt obviously doesn’t know what to say. Neither does Jensen because Matt
knows. Eldridge’s rumor mill must’ve gotten even faster this year; he only got
out of Larson’s office forty-five minutes ago.
“He’s gone,” Matt offers.
“Yeah, I know.” It makes him sound like he came back to sniff Jared’s
belongings or something.
Matt makes a move as if to brush past Jensen and thinks better of it. The two
of them stand outside 319, not looking at each other. Jensen remembers last
year when he took Matt upstairs at an off-campus party. He was cute and really
fit with big green eyes, just the type of guy Jensen needed at the time.
“Did he, uh, say anything about me before…?”
Matt laughs. “Sorry, man. I don’t think he’s had all that much time to think
about you.”
“Right.”
What with the academic probation and getting kicked out of school and whatnot.
Makes sense.
“How was he?”
Matt looks like Jensen’s offered to give him the Clap for Christmas. “Pretty
bad, Jensen.”
Matt’s trying his best to be polite and it’s obviously slipping. Jensen’s an
asshole for sticking around and asking him questions like a lovesick schoolgirl
but he has to know.
“I’m sorry.”
“What’re you telling me for? Doesn’t do me any good.”
“I know. I just need to say it to someone.”
“Look, I swore I wasn’t going to get involved but,” Matt sighs and lets his bag
drop to the floor. “You fucked up. Big time. I don’t think telling Jared’s
roommateyou’re sorry counts for anything.”
“I know,” Jensen says again. “But I am. I didn’t know he’d do that and I’d
stand here all night if I thought it’d help.”
“Well, I gotta get home, so…” Matt nudges his bag with his foot pointedly. “I’d
rather you didn’t.”
“Yeah, okay.” Jensen steps back to let him pass.
Matt picks up his bag and walks past him, but hesitates in the hallway again,
turning to face Jensen. “You know he has to go back to Texas, right?”
“He what?” Jensen swallows.
“What’d you think was gonna happen if he got kicked out?”
“I didn’t… think he would,” Jensen murmurs.
“Y’know I liked you, Jensen. A lot of people say you’re an asshole and I
thought maybe they were wrong.” The fact that Matt’s using past tense is not
lost on him. “But I had a bad feeling about things with you and Jay from the
start, ‘cause you don’t seem to get it.”
Jensen doesn’t get it at all. “Get what?”
Matt just looks at him. “You must walk around with your eyes closed or
something, man, I swear.”
“Seriously, what are you trying to guilt me for now?” Jensen snaps. “I’ve had
enough of people trying to make me feel shitty today for things that aren’t
their fuckingbusiness.”
“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about you.There’s something wrong with
you,” Matt says. “I don’t know what else it could be.”
To his horror, tears are starting to prickle at the backs of his eyes and he so
cannot lose it right now in front of Jared’sroommate.But Matt’s always been a
nice guy, and having pissed him off is somehow making everything sink home in a
way it hadn’t before.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you just… chew people up.” Matt fixes his light green eyes on him and
Jensen thinks he’s starting to get it.
“Is this… is this about what we did?”
Matt smiles bitterly. “You didn’t even look at me after that night.”
Jensen stares at him. He never thought there’d been any hard feelings. Sure, he
hadn’t returned Matt’s calls, but there hadn’t been that many, and they’d had
an understanding—or at least, Jensen thought they did. What happened between
them was just a one-time thing, even though Jensen liked Matt well enough.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen offers.
“No, you’re not. I just hoped you weren’t gonna mess with Jay. Guess you’re
still the same.”
“I’m not—I didn’t messwith him, he was the one who—” Jensen’s pretty sure his
mouth is hanging open like an idiot, but he can’t really be bothered with how
he looks right now.
 “I didn’t think it was that serious ‘til I found the pictures. I never knew he
even liked guys, but… I guess you have that effect on people.”
“What?” Jensen swallows the dry lump in his throat.
“He left his phone out during practice, and I knew you guys were doing more
than he was letting on, but I didn’t think it was—” Matt breaks off, shaking
his head.
“That was… that was you?You sent those pictures out?”
Matt shrugs. “It was stupid and childish, and for that I’m sorry. But you don’t
deserve anything from Jared and you never did.”
When Jensen sucked Matt Cohen off, it’d been up against someone’s bedroom door
upstairs at a house party. He’d been drunk and alone, around guys for the first
time since Chris had left. He’d spotted Matt across the room, tall and fit with
big green eyes and a nice smile. He played lacrosse and ran track and that had
been good enough for Jensen.
They’d talked and Matt kept bringing him drinks, flirting shamelessly, and then
Jensen’s hand had been at the small of his back and he’d led him upstairs,
dropping to his knees and pushing Matt up against the door.
Afterwards, Jensen had spent hours wrapped around the toilet in his dorm’s
bathroom. That night wasn’t exactly on his Greatest Hits list and he’d tried
his hardest to forget it.
Still, he never would’ve imagined that Matt had taken it that personally and at
this point, Jensen doesn’t even have it in him to hate him. He just wants to go
home.
Matt gives him one last, long look, leaving Jensen alone in the hallway again.
If he wasn’t completely stunned, he would’ve laughed. It’s almost funny how
many people turned their backs on him in one day.
Jensen glances at the door of room 319 and decides to take a final look.
He doesn’t know what he’s expecting when he pushes the door open, but Jared’s
side of the room is already bare and it’s actually organized for once. Matt’s
belongings are packed neatly away in the once cluttered closet, and the walls
are too white without Jared’s Cowboys pennants and Pearl Jam poster papering
them.  
There’s nothing to suggest Jared Padalecki ever lived here, let alone kissed
him on the bed that was now nothing but a bare mattress. There aren’t any
paperbacks or dirty socks or candy wrappers littering the floor.
Jensen leans against the wall, watching the snow fall through the window. He’d
gotten stoned for the first time with Jared here.
Struck by an idea, he crosses to Jared’s empty desk and opens the top drawer,
pushing down on one end to dislodge the panel of wood that disguised the hidden
compartment Chad had made for him. To his disappointment, there’s nothing but a
fine layer of dust and a couple of dried out gummy bears.
 He puts his hands in his coat pockets, not sure what to make of the sick,
dizzy wave washing over him. Maybe he’s finally coming off the adrenaline high
from Larson’s office.
He starts to lean against the wall again when something in his pocket scrapes
his fingers. Thinking it’s probably a crumpled notecard from exams or a
receipt, he takes out the scrap of paper, barely glancing at it before
beginning to wad it up when he suddenly recognizes there’s something written on
it in small, messy handwriting that isn’t his own.
I’m not who you think I am
Jensen frowns, bewildered. How long has it been there? It wasn’t in his pocket
that morning when he got dressed or during class. He can only think of one
possibility.
There had been that moment in the hallway, right before Jensen had gone into
Larson’s office, when Jared had brushed up against him. Could he have slipped
it in without Jensen noticing? He’d been pretty freaked at the time.
So who does he supposedly think Jared is? Right now, a manipulative asshole—the
same person he’d been since Jensen had learned his name.
Was it supposed to be an apology? Or a justification?
If this was his way of saying he couldn’t change his spots, he could shove it.
But what if it wasn’t that at all, what if he was saying Jensen was wrong about
him? That he hadn’t done the things Jensen had accused him of? But then why be
so damn cryptic about it? And even then, Jared could still be lying.
Jensen’s head throbs and he grits his teeth, closing his eyes and leaning
against the bare wall.
Holding the note crumpled in his hand, he thinks about how another note like
this one, an innocent scrap of paper with just Jared’s phone number on it, had
started all of this.
 
*****
 
He might’ve gotten out of Larson’s office lucky, but as soon as he sets foot
outside Marshall Hall, Jensen realizes he has someone else to answer to.
His mother’s silver Chevy is parked out in the lot, one of the few cars still
left. The school must’ve called her already.
“Shit,” he mutters. Why can’t the universe cut him just onebreak today?
Donna’s lips are drawn tight from the second she sets eyes on her son and
Jensen tries his best to avoid her gaze.
“My car’s still in the lot—”
“We’ll come back for it tomorrow.”
“But I—”
“Get in, Jensen.” She murmurs.
He does, and her foot’s already on the gas before he has his seatbelt buckled.
The snow swirls around them, so thick he can hardly see out the windshield when
she accelerates.
Donna doesn’t say a word to him for a full twenty minutes. Jensen watches the
time tick by on the dashboard clock, afraid to break the silence. He’s never
seen her like this. She doesn’t so much as look at him. She leaves the radio
off and drives with her hands tight on the wheel. The traffic crawls on the
roads, windshields whitewashed with the oncoming storm.
Jensen keeps waiting for the explosion but it doesn’t come. He wants it to,
wants a chance to defend himself because everything he did, he did for a
reason.
He’d been honest from the beginning, told Jared he’d watch his own back. Why
should he feel guilty?
But everyone’s pissed at him. The knot in his stomach that Jared’s fingers used
to tease out is tighter than ever, like it’s been reinforced with steel twine
to protect the strings frayed by Jared’s touch. He’s satisfied that he’s shut
down every vulnerable part of himself. His walls are back in place, stronger
than before, and this should all be a reminder to him. He shouldn’t have
trusted any of them—not Jared, not Sophia, and even Chris had fallen short. He
should’ve kept his head down and his eyes straight ahead.
“Jensen, you’re gay,” Donna finally says. It’s not a question so Jensen doesn’t
respond.
She nods. “And Jared?”
Jensen shrugs and Donna looks straight ahead. “That’s not what I wanted to talk
about, anyways.”
“I know.”
“He’s important to you, isn’t he?”
“He was,” Jensen says, his voice almost lost under the noise of the heat
blasting out of the vents.
“And he’s been expelled?”
“Yes.”
Donna’s eyes flick back to the road. “Because of something you did?”
“Yeah,” Jensen swallows. “I mean, he wasn’t totally innocent. But.”
“But you let him take the fall?”
“Yeah,” he says again.
Donna nods slowly. “And why would you do that?”
Jensen’s gut gives a quick twist of shame. No matter how he spins it, he
doesn’t look good. Because he broke up with me for a girl even though we
weren’t dating and I was seeing someone else too sounds just as bad as because
I have a better chance at getting into college than he does so I let him get in
trouble.
In the end, he stays quiet.
“I haven’t seen you act like this in a long time,” Donna says, weary. “You’re a
smart kid, Jen. Too smart for me. I never knew what to do with you when you
were growing up. I’ve been lucky that you’ve got such good judgment on your
own. I’ve never really had to worry about you like your brother.”
She makes a right turn, tires spinning slightly on the icy road.
“You’re going to tell me everything. It doesn’t have to be today, but we’re
going to talk like adults and you’re going to take responsibility for what
you’ve done, even if that place,” she cringes as though the mere thought of
Eldridge is offensive, “decides that you’re above their rules. You are not
above mine.”
Jensen nods.
“You’re grounded until I see fit. I’m going to take away your phone and your
computer and I’m going to keep you busy all break. If you so much as roll your
eyes at me, you will be sorry. Are we clear?”
Jensen looks down at his Chucks and nods. “Clear.”
“Good.”
So this is it. This is the end. Today is the last day he’ll ever see Jared
Padalecki and he still has so much to say him, half of it vicious and the other
half pleading. A sharp-edged fury sits in his chest when he thinks about Jared
turning his face away when Jensen leaned in, because he knowsthey weren’t
finished. Not really.
Jared might be serious about Genevieve now but there’s a space carved inside
him with Jensen’s name on it and he knows it.
He remembers Thanksgiving, when Jared asked him when are you going to let go?
And hadn’t he now? Wasn’t this what Jared meant? He’d stopped holding on to
everyone and everything so desperately. He’d lost it all, whether he wanted to
or not, and he’s still standing.
His fingers tighten around the wad of paper in his pocket.
He’s realizing that, in the back of his mind, he’d already started planning
that trip to Texas to visit him. Gazing out at the snow he imagines wide open
plains and hot winds, the desert sun on Jared’s skin. 
Jared’s expelled from Eldridge. No more lacrosse, no more classes with
Dinwiddie. He’s going back to Texas to face whatever he was so threatened by
that he came to Jensen for help. 
I’m not who you think I am.
No matter what he tells himself, Jensen can’t dismiss the creeping feeling that
he’s made a terrible mistake. Because deep down, in a place not so far from the
messy knot Jared made of his insides, next to all the hurt and anger, is
something else he never wanted to feel again.
Donna can berate him all she wants, the school could’ve thrown him out—but
nothing will cut as much as not knowing what that brush of skin meant in the
hallway outside Larson’s office. Nothing will cut like the feeling of Jared
turning away from him, and even if it wasn’t his choice, Jared leaving.
 
*****
 
Jared stares out the small port window of the plane, trying his hardest to
ignore the annoyance crackling off his father in the seat next to him.
He keeps swirling his scotch around in the glass, the ice clinking
threateningly.
Jared’s a bad investment, and there’s nothing Gerald Padalecki hates more than
making a poor business decision. It’s not his fault, but Jared’s mistakes
reflect on him anyways.
For a hot, fleeting moment, Jared doesn’t care, thinks about telling his father
to shove it, but the rebellious impulse dies the second he remembers that he
doesn’t even have anything worth fighting him over.
If Gerald taught him anything, it’s that gambling is a fool’s game. He’d
watched his father wine and dine his way into the casino business, carving
himself a niche that widened with patience and well-placed cash. Every mistake
a gambler made was more money in his pocket, more vacations in Ibiza and
another year at Eldridge for Jared.
“I would tell you I’m disappointed in you, but I think you already know that.”
Jared doesn’t look at him. Gerald’s voice is as matter-of-fact as ever, as
though they’re discussing the weather instead of Jared’s future.
“You’re breaking your mom’s heart, you know. This will probably ruin your
chances at getting into college.”
Jared clears his throat, a short stab of guilt piercing his chest. “I know.”
“Or at least, any college worth getting into. Look at me when I’m speaking to
you.”
Jared does, trying to muster up a spark of defiance and failing. He’s tired—
getting expelled from school after covering for an ungrateful friend with
benefits does that to a guy.
“I arranged with the school to make it look as though you withdrew willingly,
but still, it’s going to look bad on your transcripts—like you couldn’t hack
it.”
“How’d you pull that one off?”
“Donation,” Gerald shrugs, taking a sip of his drink. “And a generous one at
that.”
Jared almost laughs. It figures.
“But let me be perfectly clear,” his father says, leaning closer to Jared. He
can smell the expensive booze on his breath. “There won’t be any more mistakes
like this.”
“No, there won’t,” Jared agrees hollowly. Because there aren’t boys like Jensen
Ackles in Texas. Hell, there aren’t boys like Jensen Ackles anywhere except at
Eldridge.
He wonders if Jensen got his note yet or if he’ll see it at all. Even if he
does, it won’t mean anything to him. After that last fight in the gym, Jared
knew it was over.
In Larson’s office, he’d had about two minutes to think of something, his last
words to Jensen, no time for apologies or explanations except I’m not who you
think I am.
He’s not who his father or grandfather thinks he is, he’s not the son his
mother wanted him to be. For a while, he thought maybe he was Genevieve’s, but
he’d known underneath it all that it wasn’t true. And most of all, he’s not the
same kid who had taunted Jensen in class, who had thought he could get the
better of Jensen because of a deal and a stupid bet.
Jared had been Jensen’s since the locker room, since the first time he’d
touched him.  And Jensen had told him in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t
having it every time he refused him, that he wouldn’t ever open up to Jared the
way he wanted him to.
So he’d backed off. Of course, he hadn’t banked on Jensen’s reaction in the
gym.
Jensen had said is that’s what bothering you? That I won’tsleep with you?And
that wasn’t it—though Jared had wanted Jensen more than he’d ever wanted
anybody. It was more that Jensen had always kept him at arm’s length. His
defenses only weakened when Jared teased him and brought out that other side of
him, the one that felt so damn close to letting go, the one that said his name
like it was something sacred. So, yeah, he’d wanted to fuck him, to get closer
and watch Jensen’s fortress walls fall away if only for a few moments.
As it is, he’s glad he never told Jensen about the one-way ticket to Austin-
Bergstrom International that he’d bought for him for Christmas because he
already feels like a jackass. Maybe he can give it to Genevieve instead. He
likes the way she looks at him and she’s a good kisser and she’ll probably have
sex with him if they see each other again as a kind of parting gift. Still,
it’d only feel like a consolation prize and she doesn’t deserve his half-
attention.
The fact is Gen’s going to get back with Tom during the summer, especially now
that Jared’s gone. She might not know it yet, but Jared does. She still talks
about him and he obviously still wants her. They’ll get bored and turn to each
other as a last fling before Gen goes to college. Jared had been surprised to
realize it was okay with him, especially now that he’ll never see either of
them again. He’ll probably never see anyone from Eldridge from here on out.
Text messages had come pouring in after his expulsion, his phone vibrating
every three seconds or so as it blew up with messages from Danneel, Genevieve,
Chad, James Lafferty, Matt and pretty much everyone else he’d ever spoken to at
school. A lot of the texts were filled with hate for Jensen or encouraging
words. He didn’t bother to read the rest of them before his dad confiscated his
phone. He doesn’t really care—Chad’s the only one he might see and the messages
aren’t from whom he wanted them to be from.
Maybe this is what he needs, a fresh start and a clear head. Maybe he’ll even
get to go to public school and play football, a whole world away from pretty-
boy computer geeks and full of girls in cheer uniforms. God knew Texas schools
would be willing to overlook a few private school misdemeanors if it meant
getting a quality running back.
His grandpa would be thrilled to have Jared back in Texas playing ball— it’s
his dad that probably won’t let him. As soon as they’re home, he’ll be
researching another tight-ass boarding school to ship Jared off to, and that
means trouble. That means guys in uniform coats and ties and everything that’ll
make him remember how he spent his last fall semester at Eldridge.
Sure, none of them will be Ackles, but he can already see himself getting drunk
and closing his eyes when he leans in, his fist bunched in some other guy’s
shirt, someone who tastes like keg beer instead of peppermint, someone who
makes him forget and remember at the same time. But maybe he won’t. Maybe it’ll
never be like that again. Maybe Ackles was an exception.
Besides, he never wants to feel that way again; that shaky, out of control need
that almost led him to get on his knees and beg in Jensen’s kitchen. He’d tried
to pull away after that, but staying away from Jensen at Eldridge was like
trying to swim upstream in a storm.
Worst of all was how Jensen had come to him in his dorm, so obviously angry and
hurt and trying not to show it while Jared couldn’t do a damn thing to take his
doubt away because he’d made up his mind: no more Jensen. Not on half-terms,
because he couldn’t do it. He needed all or nothing, and he couldn’t have that
when Jensen still talked about Chris Kane the way he did.
Jensen would get over it and go back to Chris and everyone would be happy.
Except him, but that’s what he gets for thinking he can get away clean after
messing with Jensen Ackles. And he hadn’t been lying when he said he couldn’t
be with Jensen. His family wouldn’t let it fly if they knew, and keeping it a
secret was risky even if he thought it could work.
He closes his eyes and thinks about lying on his bed at school, Jensen’s
fingers in his hair, instead of being crammed in a plane seat with his knees
practically under his chin and his disapproving father next to him.
His hand skims over a small lump in his pocket and he extracts a white
Lifesaver mint, the kind Jensen kept on his desk, still in the wrapper. He lets
it lie out flat on his palm, afraid to tear the packaging, like it’s some kind
of relic, proof that Jensen had once let him into his life.  He craves the
taste of it, of Jensen, but he’s afraid to eat it.
With a sigh, he scrunches his eyes shut and opens them again, tearing the
plastic wrapper off and popping the mint into his mouth and rolling it around
with his tongue. He’s being stupid.
Jensen Ackles isn’t good for him. Jensen Ackles thinks he’s a “spoiled, fucked
up sociopath” and believes he’s the kind of guy who’d let private photos of him
circulate the school. Jensen doesn’t trust him, tore him down when he was at
his lowest, and still managed to find all of Jared’s sore spots without even
trying. He’d let him get expelled and didn’t lift a finger to help him. In
fact, he’d pointed all too willingly at Jared.
So maybe Jensen’s not the person he should be thinking about, but it’s not
stopping him right now. He has all of Christmas break to think about how he
shouldn’t be thinking about Jensen and how that last kiss in the dorm hadn’t
felt like a goodbye. It’d felt like a please.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We will begin our descent
into Austin in approximately—”
Gerald glances at his watch then shakes his sleeve down again.
 Jared bites down on the mint, breaking it in half, and his ears pop.
Maybe somewhere in Pennsylvania, some thousand and more miles away, Jensen’s
reading his note. Maybe Jensen’s thinking about him right now— good or bad, he
doesn’t really care. He can even hate Jared if he wants, because Jared’s going
to start over, move on, and never look back, even if he puts the mint wrapper
right back in his pocket instead of throwing it away.
He’ll bury himself in girls, football, weed, and country music and won’t for a
second think about how he can’t shake the feeling he hasn’t seen the last of
Jensen Ackles, no matter what logic says. Jensen’s never going to apologize—he
hardly ever did even when they were being civil to each other.
It’s stupid to hold out on hope, but Jensen was never the type to give up
easily on what he wanted, and hadn’t he said I want you? Hadn’t he fixed all of
that intensity on him the last time they’d kissed in Jared’s dorm?
He glances down at the glittering city below, a few heavy clouds obscuring his
view of Austin. He closes his eyes, the flavor of the mint lingering on his
tongue.
It’ll have to hold him until next time, until he can taste the real thing
again.
 
 
Chapter End Notes
     I started writing this as a oneshot PWP and obviously it got way, way
     out of hand. When I thought about why I wrote J2 the way I did, I
     realized that it was about the idea of love as a “battlefield.” Of
     course, it never has to be that way unless we make it. I enjoyed
     writing a slightly neurotic, not totally likable Jensen
     counterbalanced by a kind of wishy-washy, entitled Jared. Selfish
     people falling in love is bound to be a mess, and this is what came
     out of it. Also, apparently everyone at private school is gay. ???
     That wasn’t intentional oops.
     The next piece of this verse, which will cover winter, will
     definitely have a different tone and it’ll force Jensen to confront
     some ugly truths about himself. He and Jared are far from finished,
     and the next story will give more insight into Jared’s life, too.
     I hope you enjoyed reading my first bigbang, and I hope reading BLB
     was a fun and probably slightly obnoxious experience. I have eight
     thousand other things I meant to say, but at this point I'm thrilled
     and exhausted and I'm ready to send this fic off into the world. See
     you next time!
     PS: I'm also always looking for RP partners, people to beta my fics,
     and co-authors, so just drop me a line if you're interested in doing
     some writing / reading.
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