Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11859873.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      SKAM_(TV)
  Relationship:
      Even_Bech_Næsheim/Isak_Valtersen
  Character:
      Isak_Valtersen, Even_Bech_Næsheim, Marianne_Valtersen, Jonas_Noah
      Vasquez, Magnus_Fossbakken, Mahdi_Disi, Eskild_Tryggvason, Sana_Bakkoush,
      Emma_W._Larzen
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe_-_Childhood_Friends, Secret_Relationship, discussions
      of_religion, Internalized_and_Externalized_Homophobia, First_Kiss, First
      Time, Bipolar_Disorder, Slow_Burn, Bottom_Isak_Valtersen, Versatile_Evak,
      Ableist_Language, Masturbation, Mutual_Masturbation, Sexting,
      Recreational_Drug_Use, Jealous_Isak_Valtersen, Drunk_Isak_Valtersen,
      Church_Sex, Semi-Public_Sex, Bottom_Even_Bech_Næsheim, Jealous_Even_Bech
      Næsheim, Coming_Out, Topping_from_the_Bottom
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-08-20 Completed: 2017-08-28 Chapters: 6/6 Words: 58798
****** Blanket Fort Gospel ******
by Sabeley
Summary
     Isak Valtersen met the love of his life when he was eleven years old.
     It was a truth he had long tried to deny, but it was the truth
     nevertheless.
Notes
     So I took a trope that is generally pretty fluffy and added a shit
     ton of angst to it. Sorry 'bout that! Just as a general story note,
     Isak and Even are the same age in this fic. Also, mind the tags if
     you are at all sensitive to themes of internalized or externalized
     homophobia as it relates to religion. If there are any questions or
     concerns, feel free to leave me a message in the comments.
     Surprisingly, all 60K of this is already written, but the editing is
     probably going to take me a little longer than usual. Still, updates
     should come every 3-4 days at the latest. Enjoy!
***** Chapter 1 *****
Isak Valtersen met the love of his life when he was eleven years old. It was a
truth he had long tried to deny, but it was the truth nevertheless.
Irony of all ironies, they met at church. Even’s family had just recently moved
to town and when they dropped Even off in Isak’s Sunday School class that
morning, it could not be more obvious that he did not want to be there. His
back was ramrod straight, his nose was in the air, and his hair was a tangled
mop atop his head, like he couldn’t even be bothered to run a brush through it.
Isak watched him, thoroughly mesmerized, as his parents said their goodbyes.
His mom pulled him close and tried to kiss his cheek, but he shimmied out of
her grasp and walked farther into the room instead, clearly choosing it as the
lesser of two evils. It was as he was scanning the room for an empty chair that
blue eyes met green and Isak’s world changed forever.
He fell right then, without knowing anything about the boy, and he fell hard.
It was as if his head had been filled with static his entire life, but suddenly
he could hear and see clearly. Their souls were singing to each other like
sirens, drawing them in, and Isak was helpless to resist the pull. That was how
fast it happened. That was how fast he fell in love.
There was one empty seat at the table Isak was sitting at and Even approached
him without hesitation, settling into the chair across from him and absently
grabbing a crayon and a blank sheet of paper from the center of the table. He
gave Isak a small smile, the attitude he’d been sporting earlier with his
parents now seemingly gone, but said nothing as he began doodling.
Isak watched him in stunned fascination, wanting to say something, but not
knowing what to say. Did he feel the pull Isak felt? Was his heart racing the
same way Isak’s was? Surely a feeling this strong couldn’t be contained in only
one body—the other boy had to have felt it too—but he just sat there,
oblivious, grabbing crayon after crayon and hoarding them at his side.
Despite the fact that the church didn’t seem to realize they were too old to be
playing with crayons, Even seemed overly invested in whatever it was he was
trying to draw (Isak couldn’t quite make it out upside down), but after a
little while, Isak could no longer pass off his staring as mere curiosity, so
he turned back to his half-colored picture of Noah’s Ark and reached for a
crayon, only to find that the box was empty. Even’s hoarding had apparently
started an epidemic because the other two boys at their table now had a pile of
crayons next to them as well and they were throwing furtive looks in Even’s
direction every few seconds, like he might actually be the devil himself.
Isak pouted down at the table, wondering what in the world he was supposed to
distract himself with now, when suddenly a sky blue crayon made its way into
his field of vision. He looked up to find Even smiling at him, the crayon
extended like a peace offering. Hesitantly, Isak reached out and took it.
“Thanks,” he said, smiling shyly as he felt his cheeks heat up. He watched as
Even’s gaze drifted down from his eyes to his lips and then immediately back
up.
“I’m Even, by the way,” he said, scooting the rest of his crayons forward so
that they could share.
“Isak.” Even mouthed the name after him, like he was getting used to the shape
of it on his lips.
“Hey, Isak,” he smiled, but before he could say more, the teacher began the
day’s lesson. Isak at least tried to pretend he was listening, but Even didn’t
bother, just sat bent over his drawing, shading the colors with an expertise
Isak hadn’t even known existed. He still struggled to draw stick figures on a
good day.
It wasn’t long before class was dismissed. Or at least Isak assumed it was
because the other kids began filing out, heading towards the sanctuary to find
their parents. Isak hastily pushed his chair back and stood, not wanting to
keep his mom waiting. She didn’t like it when he did that. He threw one last
hesitant look in Even’s direction, wondering if he would ever see him again,
and then said a silent prayer that he would.
“Hold on a second,” Even urged when he caught Isak looking. He was still
drawing, the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth as he concentrated, and
Isak watched him, wondering what in the world was so important he had to share
it with Isak right now. “Okay, here,” he finally said, passing the sheet of
paper over. Before Isak could even look down at it, Even stood and started
walking backwards towards the door with a smug grin on his face. “I’ll see you
around?”
Isak nodded stupidly and then Even slipped around the corner with one last
wave. Isak stared at the spot where he disappeared for several long seconds
before looking down at the drawing. On one side was the same cartoon version of
Noah’s Ark that Isak had been haphazardly coloring earlier, but on the back was
a picture of an angel. The angel had golden curls drawn in shades of yellows
and oranges and a halo sitting atop his head. It was strangely beautiful even
though the colors were too bright for it to seem natural. Isak stared at it all
the way to the sanctuary and was still staring at it when he sat down next to
his mother.
“Oh,” she said, noticing the drawing. Isak looked away from it for the first
time. “Did you draw that? It’s a very good picture of you, Isak.”
“Oh, no, I didn’t—It’s not—” But when he looked back down, he could see the
similarities: the haunting green eyes, the moles that decorated the angel’s
cheeks. He felt his face flush once more.
He was drawn out of his reverie as his mom ran her hand through his hair,
trying to make it lie flat even though they both knew by now that it was a lost
cause. “Maybe we’ll sign you up for art classes, hm?” Feeling more lost and
confused than he ever had before, Isak nodded.
*
Even back then, Marianne Valtersen had a fixation with God that she was
determined to share with her son, so Isak ended up at church a lot. It used to
be the bane of his existence. He hated wearing stuffy clothes and sitting in
quiet rooms, listening to boring people talk about even more boring things. At
least he did until he met Even. After that, he found that he didn’t mind so
much.
The two of them became fast friends. Without ever really talking about it, they
gravitated towards each other, brought together by nothing more than a distaste
for everything around them. They would snicker under their breath each week at
Irene Johansen’s choice of handbags—one week it was a monstrous thing with
feathers that made her look like she was lugging around a peacock, the next it
was a hand-knit eyesore embroidered with cats. During the sermon, they would
pass their programs back and forth, drawing sketches for each other and playing
games like tic-tac-toe and hangman. And sometimes, when no one was paying them
any attention, they would slip out of Sunday School or Children’s Choir or
wherever else they were supposed to be, and they would make their own
adventures elsewhere, exploring the baptistery and the empty choir lofts,
hiding behind shelves in the church library, and stealing candy from the
secretary’s desk. They got caught more than once, but after a few months, they
started getting better at hiding.
For the first time ever, Isak was excited to go to church and his relationship
with his mom was better for it. He would feel guilty about that later—using
religion as a front to mask his friendship with Even—but in the moment, he
didn’t care. He never said anything, but he started to think of Even as his
soulmate. Not in a romantic way (although the way his heart fluttered whenever
he saw the boy suggested that it might be that too), but in a way where he was
the one person in the entire world that understood Isak for exactly who he was.
He didn’t make fun of him for refusing to kiss Anna Hansen on the playground,
and when his eyes sometimes lingered on Even for a bit too long, he didn’t
judge him for that either.
The night before Even’s twelfth birthday was blistering cold and snow was
falling so thick that Isak’s mom was the one that suggested they skip her choir
practice that night. Isak wasn’t having it and thankfully, Even wasn’t either
because when he walked into Children’s Choir, Even was already waiting for him,
his cheeks bright red from the biting wind. He had barely gotten his gloves off
before Even was dragging him out of the room.
They ended up in an old storage closet that Isak had never seen before. It was
large as far as storage closets go—large enough, at least, to fit four racks of
musty old choir robes. Otherwise, the room was pretty sparse. The heat didn’t
seem to reach all the way back there, but the lone light bulb hanging from the
ceiling worked and they could hear the sounds of the choir singing a few rooms
over, which would give them enough warning to make their way back downstairs
when the practice was over.
“Do you feel older?” Isak asked. He had his hand extended into Even’s lap, his
arm resting on the boy’s knee as Even drew on his pale skin with a black ink
pen. Isak knew his mom was going to be mad, but it was Even’s birthday and he
didn’t want to tell him to stop (It had nothing to do with the way Isak’s
stomach leapt as Even’s fingers danced across the underside of his arm).
Even crinkled his nose in distaste and shrugged. “I feel the same.” Then, “It’s
weird that I’m going to be twelve and you’re not. I don’t like it.”
“I’ll be twelve in June,” Isak pointed out.
“Yeah, but that’s, like, forever away.”
Isak snorted. “No, it’s not. What does it matter anyway?”
Even once again shrugged. “I don’t know. I just don’t like it.” He seemed to
get tired of the black pen because he switched to a red one. Isak craned his
neck to see what exactly he was drawing.
“I swear to God, if you’re putting a dick on my arm—”
“I’m not,” Even laughed, moving his arm just enough so that Isak could see what
he was doing. There was an intricate pattern traced down the length of him that
looked almost like ivy. The pen was bleeding into his skin a bit, making it
hard to get the full effect, but Isak was at least satisfied that it wasn’t a
dick. He huffed out a breath and Even seemed to take that as permission to
continue because he pulled Isak closer until they were almost sitting on top of
each other. Isak’s heart started thundering in his chest at the proximity and
he knew Even must have felt it with how close they were sitting, but he didn’t
say anything.
After a few minutes, however, Isak’s heartbeat began to slow and it was only
then that he noticed Even using the red pen to draw little red hearts all along
the vines, like leaves blossoming in the trees. Isak pressed his lips tightly
together to hold back a smile.
“Hearts for Valentine’s Day?” he asked since the holiday was coming up. Even
paused his drawing and turned. He seemed startled to find that Isak was sitting
so close to him, but he didn’t back away. “The hearts,” he prompted when Even
didn’t say anything.
“Oh,” Even said, looking down at them. “Yeah, Valentine’s Day.” He looked sad
for one brief second, but then he was smiling again, turning so that he was
facing Isak once more. “You’ll be my valentine?”
Isak’s eyes widened, but he quickly tried to school his face into something
that might pass for nonchalant. Had Even just—? Did he want—? Was this some
sort of joke? Isak watched him, searching for some sign that he was just
kidding around, but with every second that passed, the boy seemed to wilt a
little bit more. Outwardly he seemed calm, stoic, but there was a flush
creeping up his neck that told a different story.
Isak swallowed hard against the emotions rising in his chest and then nodded
eagerly, hoping Even might be able to forgive him for literally being
speechless. Even’s smile came back in full force. “Yeah?” he asked and Isak
nodded again.
“Yeah. Yes,” he finally choked out. Without warning, Even leaned forward and
closed the distance between them, pressing his lips hard against Isak’s. The
kiss was over before Isak’s body even had a chance to react to it, but
adrenaline was suddenly coursing through his veins and he felt like he was
flying in the small room. He was giddy with emotions and he knew that Even was
too because the boy looked utterly stupefied by what had happened, his mouth
open in surprise, but his eyes shining with possibilities. Isak couldn’t help
but laugh and soon, Even couldn’t seem to resist either. Whether he was
laughing to get rid of the nerves or laughing at Isak, he wasn’t sure.
Isak buried his laughter into Even’s shoulder and twisted his hands into the
boy’s sweatshirt. Once his laughter subsided, he still didn’t move and Even
didn’t push him away. They sat there on the floor, wrapped in each other’s
arms, for what felt like hours before Even spoke again.
“We probably shouldn’t tell anybody about this,” he said. Isak could hear
Even’s heart speed up and it sounded ominous, like war drums beating in his
ear. He pulled away so that he could look into Even’s blue eyes. “It’ll be our
secret. Something just for us.”
That twinge of sadness was back in his eyes and Isak didn’t like it. It set
something loose inside of him and it rattled around his rib cage like a broken
piece of glass, tearing up his insides. “Why?”
Even bit his lip and shrugged helplessly. “I don’t think our parents would like
it. And, I mean, if they think we’re more than friends, they won’t let you
sleep over at my house anymore.”
Isak nodded because that did make sense, but there was still a dark storm cloud
hanging above them and he wished more than anything that they could rewind to
only a few minutes before, when they were wrapped together without a care in
the world. “Sorry about your arm, by the way,” Even grimaced, looking down at
it. “I think I went a little overboard. Your mom’s not going to thank me for
that.”
“Eh, it’s fine,” Isak said, pulling his sweatshirt down to cover the artwork on
his arm. There were a few hearts that crept down onto the back of his hand, but
other than that, everything else was hidden. “It’s winter. She’ll never
notice.”
And she never did. The hearts stayed on his skin through Valentine’s Day, but
after that, they faded away.
*
If Isak thought that night in the storage closet was going to be the start of
some epic romance, he was wrong. They were still young, under constant
supervision, and their time together at the church, which had once been a dream
come true, was turning into a nightmare.
At first, they would sneak touches when they could—playing with each other’s
fingers beneath the table in their Sunday School classroom, or greeting each
other with hugs that lasted a bit too long—but as Isak got older and actually
started to listen to the words read from the Bible about sin and homosexuality,
a dark pit settled in his stomach. He would go weeks feeling ill, wondering if
that one kiss he’d shared with Even was enough to send him to hell, but just as
quickly as those feelings would come, he would see Even again and decide that
he didn’t care.
He asked Even about it one day as they were swinging on the playground at the
church. He was pretty sure they weren’t supposed to be there since the gate was
padlocked shut, but the chain-link fence was easy to scale and no one had said
anything to them yet.
“Do you think it’s wrong?” he asked, staring at where the sun was slowly
starting to disappear below the horizon. He felt Even turn to look at him, but
he didn’t have the courage to look back.
“Do I think what’s wrong?”
Isak swallowed his fear and dragged his feet against the ground to stop his
swing. Next to him, Even did the same. Soon, they were both sitting still,
facing each other as they pushed the swings lightly with their feet. “The way I
feel about you,” Isak finally admitted and he heard Even’s breath catch in his
throat.
“No,” he said immediately, shaking his head back and forth frantically, like he
was scared Isak wouldn’t understand him clearly enough. “No, Isak, I don’t
think it’s wrong.”
“But some people do,” he said and it was the first time he’d said it out loud.
The first time he’d really thought about how there were people in the world
that would hate him simply because of who he had fallen in love with. He wanted
to tell those people that it wasn’t a choice. If they had been there, if they
felt the pull to Even that Isak felt—Even was as much a part of him as his arms
or his lungs. There was no separating them.
“Some people do,” Even agreed, then he took Isak’s hand in his and started
swinging once more, the two of them flying high in the air with only the other
to tether them to the ground.
*
It wasn’t long after that before Isak’s mom had her first breakdown. He didn’t
recognize it for what it was at first because she had always been religious. He
didn’t know where the line between pious and too pious was—hadn’t even known it
existed until his mother reached it. Isak would watch as she rocked back and
forth in her chair in front of the fireplace, Bible open in front of her,
quoting scripture with her eyes closed, and it didseem odd, but when he asked
about it, she just waved him off.
“I’m talking to God, son. Here, sit with me. He wants to talk to you too.” She
would smile and hold his hand and everything seemed all right for a while, but
then she stopped eating. She stopped sleeping. When Isak would try to talk to
her, it was like she couldn’t even hear him and when she did speak, it was in
riddles and scripture verses.
Where they used to attend church twice a week, they were now going everyday.
Even when events weren’t planned, Marianne Valtersen would be there, kneeling
in the sanctuary, and because he was scared of what might happen if he left her
alone, Isak kneeled with her, staring up at the crucifix on the wall, wondering
what exactly his mom’s god thought of him.
Even was there the night everything went to hell.
The two of them were back in their storage closet, sitting close and whispering
about the upcoming school year where they would be attending different schools.
Although that wasn’t new, this time it twisted something in Isak’s gut. He
worried that Even might forget him now that they were older and there were
pretty girls around every corner. It would be so easy to just let what they had
evaporate into smoke, gone without a trace. Sometimes, even now, Isak would lie
awake at night and wonder if that kiss had just been a figment of his
imagination—something that he’d dreamed of so often that he actually thought it
was real.
“I miss you,” he found himself saying, even though he hadn’t planned to say
anything of the sort. Even stopped speaking mid-sentence and raised his
eyebrows in surprise at the interruption.
“Well, yeah, Isak, I’m going to miss you too, but I’m not actually going
anywhere,” he smiled.
Isak should have let the conversation drop, but now that he’d started talking,
he didn’t want to stop. “No,” he corrected, shaking his head. “I miss you now.”
He watched Even’s face closely for any sign of emotion, but the only thing he
saw in his bright blue eyes was confusion. “I don’t know. I just…I want more,
Even. I don’t even know what this is, I just know that I don’t want you to
start school and fall in love with someone else.” He was talking too fast and
the words were slipping out before he had a chance to filter them. And shit.
Had he really just said that? “Not that you’re in love with me. I just mean,
like, in general. I don’t want you dating anyone else because—” Just stop
talking, Isak. “—because if you date anyone it should be me. If you want.”
The stunned look on Even’s face had slowly turned amused during Isak’s speech
and by the time Isak forced himself to stop talking, Even was full-on smirking.
He paused for a second, probably to see if Isak had any other embarrassing
secrets he wanted to divulge, and then he leaned in close, giving Isak
delicious flashbacks of the last time they’d been together in this place. Isak
released his bottom lip from between his teeth and ran his tongue over it,
wetting his lips in anticipation of what was coming next. “Was that an offer?”
Even asked with a smug grin.
Isak rolled his eyes because why was Even so ridiculous, oh my God, but before
he could respond, there was a blood-curling scream that sounded throughout the
church, startling them apart. Even stayed sitting on the floor, but Isak stood,
almost tripping over his feet as he did so. “Mamma,” he said and then he was
running.
The sanctuary was full when he arrived and his mother was standing right at the
front, screaming at the top of her lungs about sinners and heathens and burning
in hell. There was a circle of people around her, trying to calm her down, but
it was like she couldn’t even see them. Anyone who got too close, she shoved
them away violently, even knocking a few to the ground. Tears were streaming
down Isak’s face as he rushed towards her. This was it. This is what he’d been
expecting to happen for weeks.
“Mamma,” he said again, louder this time, as he tried to push though the crowd.
As soon as he got to the front, however, someone grabbed him by the shoulder
and held him back.
“Isak, sweetie, stay back,” a familiar voice said. “Let them help your mamma.”
He looked up to find Even’s mother holding him tightly. He struggling against
her grip, trying desperately to get to his own mom, even though he could
already tell it was hopeless, but she did not let him go.
“Mamma,” he shouted, finally drawing her attention. She spared him a quick
glance, but then kept screaming, as if he meant nothing to her. All of the
fight left his body and, seeming to sense that he wasn’t going anywhere, Even’s
mom let go of him just as Even reached them.
“Isak, are you alright? What’s going…on?” He trailed off when he spotted Isak’s
mother.
“Even, stay with Isak for me,” his mother said, not bothering to answer his
question. “Maybe take him outside?”
Even nodded and threw his arm around Isak to lead him out of the sanctuary and
through the large double doors that would take them outside. Isak shuffled
along with him. They sat down on the concrete right outside of the doors and
Even didn’t hesitate to pull Isak close and wrap him in an embrace that
probably would have been considered inappropriate if Isak hadn’t had tears
streaming down his face. He hid them in Even’s shoulder, clutching onto his
thin T-shirt like a lifeline.
“Isak?” he asked after a few minutes, his hands stroking through Isak’s hair
like his mother used to when he was young. He’d forgotten how good it felt. “Is
she always like that?”
“No,” Isak choked out, pulling away so that he could look Even in the eyes. The
night was already dark, but still Even shone just as bright as any star. “No,
she’s fine usually. She’s just been weird the past few weeks.” Even nodded, but
his lips were pursed in a way that made it clear he didn’t believe him. “Even,
what’s wrong with her?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “But they’ll figure it out, okay?”
Isak swallowed the lump rising in his throat and said the two words he’d been
wanting to say for weeks. “I’m scared.” Even frowned and pulled him closer to
his side, but didn’t seem to have anything to say to make it better.
The police showed up a few minutes later and Isak automatically bristled at
their presence. “Even,” he said, clutching at his arm like he might actually be
able to do something.
“She’s not in trouble,” he said, cupping Isak’s tear-stained cheeks in his
hands. “They just need to make sure she doesn’t hurt anyone. They’re going to
get her help.”
Marianne Valtersen was led out of the church a few minutes later by Even’s mom.
She had calmed down now and looked scared, her eyes flitting in every direction
like she wasn’t quite sure where she was. Isak stayed back, scared that his
presence might set her off again, but when she finally spotted him, she broke
out in wracking sobs.
“Mamma,” he said, running to her and letting her hold him like he was the last
solid thing in her world.
“I don’t know what’s wrong,” she cried. “I don’t know why I’m here.”
“I know,” Isak said, trying to soothe her. “I know.”
A kind police officer tore them apart a minute later, informing Isak that they
were taking her to the nearest hospital. Marianne crawled into the backseat at
the officer’s request, still looking lost and confused, and as Isak watched the
police car drive away, tears still streaming down his mother’s face, he
breathed a sigh of relief. And he hated himself for it.
The doctors ended up putting her on some anti-psychotics and she took them for
a while, but then she stopped. Isak spent his nights lying awake, waiting for
the screaming to start again. His mother’s obsession with religion continued
and it made him sick trying to figure out when it was normal and when it was
too much. Eventually, his father suggested that he stop going to church
altogether (“It’s not good for you, Isak. It’s not good for you to see her
there. You get too preoccupied. You think about it too much.”), and even though
it meant seeing Even less often, he latched onto the opportunity eagerly.
In hindsight, that was probably the best thing his father ever did for him. He
got out before he learned to hate himself.
Even wasn’t as lucky.
*
“Truth or Dare?”
It was almost three months later and Isak and Even were laying on the floor of
Even’s room, looking up at the light blue sheet that was stretching from Even’s
bed to his desk, creating a blanket fort for them to hide beneath. It was the
first time Isak had seen him since that night at the church. They’d talked on
the phone, they’d texted, but Isak had severely underestimated the effect Even
had on him. He’d gotten used to seeing him all the time and after so long
apart, his heart was nearly leaping out of his chest in excitement, like the
other piece of his soul was finally reunited with the rest of his body.
“Don’t you think we’re a bit too old for Truth or Dare?” Isak drawled, turning
his head to the side to face Even.
Even shrugged. He’d started styling his hair differently since Isak had last
seen him. It smelled better now, but it looked like it might be stiff if he
tried to run his hands through it. His fists had been clenched at his side for
the past ten minutes to keep him from doing just that. “Don’t you think we’re a
bit too old for blanket forts?” And…well…touché.
Isak snorted and turned back to look at the sheet above them. It had sunk down
since they set it up, the material only a few inches above their faces, and
Isak knew it would collapse entirely within the hour. Until then, he could
humor Even.
“Fine,” he grumbled. “Truth.”
“Lame,” Even said, but he reached out and trailed his fingers lightly over the
back of Isak’s hand to let him know he was joking. It took everything in Isak
to keep himself from noticeably shivering at the touch. God, it had been too
long. “Okay, let’s see…Oh, I know! Have you met any girls at school?”
The question stung a bit simply because Even should know better than to ask it.
The memory of their last night together was ingrained in his memory for a lot
of reasons, but their conversation in the storage closet stood out almost as
much as the scene with his mother. Had Even forgotten it already?
“Of course I’ve met girls at school. It’s co-ed,” he snarked. Had Even met
someone? Was that why he was asking?
Even rolled his eyes, but there was a fond smile on his face, like maybe he had
actually missed Isak’s sarcasm during their months apart. “That’s not what I
meant and you know it.”
Isak thought about how best to answer his question. He considered lying, trying
to pretend that he didn’t think about Even every waking hour of his days (and
most of his nights too), but he decided to tell him the truth because if anyone
would understand, it would be Even. “No, I haven’t met anybody,” he admitted.
“Not like that.” He took a deep breath before adding, “I don’t think I like
girls like that anyway.”
Even was quiet next to him for so long that Isak was finally able to muster the
courage to turn and make sure he hadn’t accidentally fallen asleep. His chest
was rising and falling steadily with each breath, but his eyes were still open.
He looked over at Isak and smiled a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Do
you?” Isak asked, because he had to know.
Even shrugged casually and whatever emotion had been hiding behind his eyes
disappeared. His lips tilted up in a smirk. “You’ll have to wait until your
turn to find out.”
It took Isak way to long to remember that they were playing Truth or Dare. “Are
you fucking kidding me?” he snapped and Even laughed so hard that the sheet
bobbed up and down with his breath. “Ugh, fine,” he sighed, trying to act
frustrated, but he was having a hard time hiding his amusement. “Truth or
Dare?”
Even hummed, like he really had to think about it, and then said, “Dare.”
Isak rolled his eyes. “Fuck you, asshole.” Even started laughing once more and
the little bit of tension that had built up between them faded. This was the
Even he was used to. This was the Even he missed. Isak smiled over at him and
then laid back and tried to think of a good dare. He knew if he dared Even to
do anything outside of the fort, it would all come crashing down, and he wasn’t
quite ready to lose the safety of the small world that they had built just yet.
When the idea came to him, he couldn’t shake it. His heart was thundering like
a stampede of wild horses, out of control, but he did his best to school his
features and pretend that he wasn’t worried Even would tell him no. Or worse,
laugh in his face. “Okay, then,” Isak said, puffing out his chest. “I dare you
to kiss me.”
Even lifted himself up on his elbow, the sheet now touching his side, and
stared down at Isak like he wasn’t quite sure he’d heard him correctly.
“Scared?” Isak taunted and that, at least, seemed to motivate Even to action.
He gave Isak the most unimpressed look he had ever seen and then quickly
morphed his features into something more soft, something more hypnotizing.
Without waiting for permission, he cradled Isak’s head in his hand and leaned
down to place a chaste peck on his lips. Isak’s head was spinning from just
that, but it wasn’t nearly enough. When Even tried to pull away, Isak stopped
him. “No,” he said. “I dare you to really kiss me.”
Even’s breath caught in his throat, like he hadn’t dared hope that Isak might
ask for more. He looked down at him with a shy smile and then slowly pressed
his lips against his once more. For several long seconds, Isak just lay there,
waiting on something else to happen—half-expecting Even to pull away—but
nothing did. So he tried what he’d seen people do in movies and opened his
mouth just a bit, causing Even’s lips to slide against his until his bottom lip
was encased in the warmth of Even’s mouth. And, oh, okay, wow, this felt a lot
better than the first time.
Isak’s hands, which had been firmly locked at his sides, reached out without
direction and tangled themselves into Even’s perfectly styled hair. Isak had
been wrong—despite the product, his hair was as soft as ever. He tried to pull
him closer, to pull him on top of him, but his hands were shaking from a
mixture of nerves and adrenaline. When Even finally got his knee between Isak’s
legs and raised himself up to hover over him, the sheet collapsed down around
them, finally having had enough, and it tangled them in scratchy fabric. Even
pulled back just far enough to laugh into Isak’s kiss, but after a brief
reprieve, he dived back in and they stayed there, kissing, wrapped in the
safety of a world they had created, not quite ready to seek out reality just
yet.
Isak remembers wishing that they could have stayed there forever.
*
Isak had been friends with Jonas for over a year before he introduced him to
Even. He wasn’t sure why he waited so long, but he thought it might have
something to do with the fact that he couldn’t look at Even without his face
lighting up in unadulterated joy. Either that or he would blush uncontrollably.
Even was used to it, just like Isak was used to the way Even stood a little
closer to him than most people would, but he worried that Jonas would see them
together and just knowthat they had kissed a couple times. Or even worse, that
he’d see that Isak was in love with Even and then feel sorry for him because
despite the fact that Isak went about his days feeling like his heart might
explode with everything he felt for him, the other boy had never given him any
indication that he wanted something more than stolen kisses in storage closets
and blanket forts.
They met at a fast food place across town because Isak had read once that dogs
are less territorial if they meet on neutral ground and he thought, for some
strange reason, that might apply to best friends as well. What he’d forgotten
was that Even and Jonas were the two chillest guys he knew. They hit it off
right away as they stood in line for food.
“I feel like I know you already,” Even said, “Isak talks about you so much.”
Jonas let out an incredulous laugh. “No, dude. There’s no possible way he talks
about me more than he talks about you. Just yesterday he was telling me the
story about how you two snuck out of church during the service and managed to
get locked in the pastor’s office.”
“Oh my god,” Even groaned, running a hand over his forehead in latent
embarrassment. “I’d forgotten all about that.”
“Repressed it, more like,” Isak added, but the two boys ignored him.
“He had a jar of candy on his desk and we ate every single piece because we
thought we were going to be locked in there forever and I didn’t want to have
to resort to cannibalism in a church.”
“Because otherwise it would have been perfectly acceptable,” Isak noted.
“My mom grounded me for like a month after that,” Even laughed. “From church!
Because she knew not seeing Isak was the worst possible punishment she could
dole out.”
By the time they made it to a table outside in the sun, the two boys were
exchanging rapid-fire stories about Isak’s childhood, each more embarrassing
than the last. He needn’t have worried about Jonas catching the slight blush
Isak sometimes wore around Even because now his face was cherry red.
“We’re embarrassing him,” Even said after a few minutes. He was sitting next to
Isak at the table and moved his knee over to knock Isak’s playfully. When he
turned back to Jonas, his knee stayed resting against Isak.
“Oh, he owes me,” Jonas said fondly. “There was this one time that I was
totally hitting it off with a girl in our class and Isak just comes up out of
nowhere, oblivious, and starts talking about fucking Pokémon.” Even laughed
good-naturedly and looked down at Isak with a smile. Isak, who had accepted his
fate by that point, just shook his head in resigned disbelief.
Even and Jonas joked around between bites of kebab for a few more minutes
before Even excused himself to the bathroom, squeezing Isak’s shoulder as he
passed behind him. As soon as he was out of sight, Isak rounded on Jonas.
“I’m going to fucking kill you,” he hissed.
Jonas laughed loudly. “What? Why? He already knows what an idiot you are. You
two have known each other forever.” Which, okay, Isak couldn’t really argue
with that logic. He didn’t know how to explain to Jonas that what he’d felt
when Isak interrupted him and that girl—that was what Isak felt now. Was it too
much to ask for that maybe just once Even could see him as cool and composed
instead of as some lame kid who liked to talk about Pokémon?
“I like him though,” Jonas continued. “You should make him hang out with us
more. Can I invite him to the skate park this weekend?” Isak nodded mutely as
his stomach flipped with a strange mixture of nerves and excitement. If Jonas
liked Even, Isak wouldn’t have to split his time between them anymore. He could
see Even every single weekend if he wanted. He lowered his gaze to try to hide
the dopey smile he could feel on his lips. “Are you okay?” Jonas chuckled,
ducking down to force Isak to look at him. “I don’t have to invite him if—”
“No,” Isak said immediately. “No, I want him there.” Jonas smirked knowingly
and Isak knew that look should worry him, but it just didn’t.
“Dude,” Jonas snorted, but he didn’t have time to say anything else before Even
returned to the table. They finished their meal in companionable silence as
Isak tried to ignore the way Even’s arm was draped across the back of his
chair.
*
The summer before Isak started high school was the best of his life. His mother
was taking her meds again, Jonas had an unlimited membership to the city pool,
and Even hardly left his side for two whole months. With nothing else to do,
they filled the long days with each other.
Even had developed some weird fascination with cinema after watching Romeo +
Juliet with his mom and he would drag Isak all around town, filming him doing
everyday things with the camera on his phone. Isak pretended to be exasperated
by the attention, but he secretly loved it. Then, when they were finished with
that, they would retreat into the safety of one of their bedrooms, their
parents none the wiser, and they would fall asleep in each other’s arms. It
never went further than that—at least not physically. There were no kisses
goodnight, no touching below the waist, but Even would hold his hand and run
his fingers through his hair, and while it wasn’t what he ultimately wanted, it
was enough.
Honestly, Isak wasn’t sure what they were doing—what they were. They were stuck
somewhere between boyfriends and best friends and he lived with this constant
ache inside of him that longed for an answer. He needed to know whether to move
forward or step back because he couldn’t live in limbo for much longer. As it
stood, it was like they were dating without the actual dating part—like Even
was purposefully not taking that last step because if he did, he’d have to say
it out loud. He’d have to call Isak his boyfriend and let people hear it. Isak
always got the feeling that was what he was most scared of, so he just snuggled
closer and prayed.
They were about halfway through their summer break when Jonas dragged them both
out to the woods behind his house one night, a backpack full of beer in tow.
Isak hadn’t seen as much of him as he would have liked since the poor boy was
still dealing with the fallout from the whole Ingrid-Eva debacle, so he
followed along willingly.
They were all well on their way to being drunk when somehow Jonas got on the
subject of blowjobs. “She gives the best blowjobs, man. You have no idea.”
Isak’s eyes widened at the abrupt change in subject and Even laughed from next
to him. They were sitting so close that Isak could feel his laugh, not just
hear it, and he was suddenly acutely aware of the way Even’s right hand was
resting on the inside of his thigh. Why did Jonas have to bring up blowjobs
now?
“You don’t have anything to compare it to though,” Isak pointed out. He was
blushing like a virgin just thinking about the possibility of blowjobs and he
was very grateful that neither of the other boys could see him in the dark.
“You were always complaining that Ingrid never went down on you.”
“It doesn’t matter!” Jonas cried and he seemed so sure that Isak didn’t dare
argue with him. “I know it can’t possibility get better than Eva. I want her to
give me blowjobs for the rest of my life.”
“Well, that’s sweet,” Even said, although he sounded a little skeptical. “I
think.”
The leaves were rustling in the trees above them as a gentle breeze blew
through the clearing. Isak was trying to focus on that instead of the words his
friends were saying. The distraction didn’t last long, however, because soon
the wind stopped blowing and Jonas slammed his hand down on the top of an empty
beer can, flattening it to the ground and demanding Isak’s attention as he
popped open another one.
“Have you had one?” Jonas asked. Isak thought he was talking to him for a
second, but when he looked up, Jonas’s eyes were turned towards Even, who
wriggled against Isak’s side like he was suddenly uncomfortable. “A blowjob?”
Even laughed nervously, like he very much did not want to answer that question.
Isak opened his mouth to tell Jonas to drop it, but Even beat him to it.
“Once,” he said and Isak felt his blood run cold. There were two sides of him
battling with Even’s words—the friend and the boyfriend—and both of them were
mad as hell. The boyfriend because it had happened at all and the friend
because he hadn’t even told him about it.
“And?” Jonas prompted. Shit, was Isak going to have to sit there and listen to
Even describe the blowjob some gorgeous blonde girl had probably given him? A
girl that didn’t come with all the baggage Isak did? A girl that he could
probably kiss without having to hide in closets?
“And it didn’t suck,” Even shrugged bashfully. “Or, well…”
Jonas laughed, but thankfully changed the subject. Isak felt Even’s gaze
lingering on him for the next few minutes, but he was feeling too petty to even
pretend he wasn’t bothered. When enough time had passed, he slipped out from
beneath Even’s touch and went to sit next to Jonas instead under the pretense
of getting another beer. He didn’t say another word for the rest of the night.
It was just after midnight when the three boys started making their way back to
Jonas’s place. Isak had sobered up a bit by that point, but Jonas was still
tipsy, talking a bit too loudly in his otherwise quiet neighborhood, and
stumbling with every other step.
“I’ll get him inside,” Isak offered, his gaze firmly locked on Jonas, as if
Even weren’t even there. “You can go on home. I don’t want to keep you
waiting.” He tried to make it sound like he was bummed about it, but honestly
he was a bit relieved to have an excuse to get away from him. He needed some
time alone. He needed some time to think.
He didn’t wait for Even to respond before he dragged Jonas into the house,
which was probably why he was so taken aback when he walked out the backdoor
five minutes later to find Even sitting cross-legged on the concrete, waiting.
“What are you doing?” he asked stupidly, looking him in the eye for the first
time in hours. It had been dark in the woods, but the streetlights were
illuminating Even’s face with a soft orange glow, so Isak could see clearly
when he raised his eyebrows in a familiar gesture of disbelief.
“I’m waiting on you. What does it look like I’m doing?” He stood, brushing some
stray dirt off of the seat of his pants, and picked both of their bikes up from
where they had been tossed in the driveway and rolled Isak’s over to him. “Come
on.” Then, without even checking to make sure Isak would follow him, he jumped
on his own bike and started pedaling into the night.
Isak sighed, long and weary, but followed him nonetheless. He would follow him
anywhere.
He had to pedal hard to catch up with Even and then, because he was a
competitive son of a bitch and in a really fucking bad mood, he zipped past,
leaving Even behind.
“Hey!” Even laughed and then they were racing, just like they had when they
were children, and it settled something inside of Isak, reminded him of all the
reasons he loved Even in the first place. If a friendship was all Even wanted,
at least now he knew.
They slowed their pace as they approached Even’s house, both breathing heavily,
but before they could pull into the driveway, Even took a sharp turn. Isak
didn’t hesitate before following. It was habit.
“Where are we going?” he called above the sound of the wind whipping past their
faces.
“You’ll see,” Even said, glancing over his shoulder to smile at him. “Just
trust me.”
They ended up in the woods again, pedaling down a trail that they had worn into
the ground as children. Isak now knew where they were going. “Even,” he
groaned, but Even didn’t stop until they reached the water.
There was a lake close to Even’s house that they had spent many a summer day
in, using the rope swing to cannonball into the water or just sunbathing on the
shore. The memories swallowed him up as the familiar smell of the lake hit him.
He could feel the water against his skin, could hear the ghost of Even’s laugh
even above the crickets singing their songs into the darkness. He had always
been happy here with Even and while he knew that they needed to talk, he wished
he had picked somewhere else to do it. This was one place he didn’t want to
tarnish with the shame building up in his stomach.
He just felt so pathetic having waited so long for something that apparently
wasn’t going to happen. He’d thought there was something unspoken between them,
some understanding that when they were older, when they were braver, they would
be together. He couldn’t shake the thought that maybe Even had been messing
with him all along, although if that were the case, he really had to admire his
dedication to a five-year con.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Even’s bike crashing to the
ground. “Let’s go swimming.”
Isak, who was still straddling his own bike, let out a startled laugh, but
quickly realized that Even wasn’t joking. “Are you crazy?” he cried. “Even,
it’s like one in the morning. We can’t jump in the fucking lake.”
“Why not?” Even asked.
“Because we’ll fucking freeze.”
Even shrugged. “I’m getting in,” he said. “You can stay here if you want.”
“Even,” Isak sighed, finally climbing off of his bike and tossing it to the
ground as well. “Let’s just go back to your house and go to sleep.” Isak really
was tired and he didn’t understand how Even could be so full of energy after
the night they’d had. It was only after he’d spoken that he realized what he
was offering. He shouldn’t wantto go back to the Bech Næsheim’s and lie next to
Even, pretending that everything was all right. Luckily, Even ignored the offer
completely and pulled his T-shirt and jacket over his head instead.
Isak’s initial shock quickly turned into fascination as the hard lines of
Even’s stomach were painted in moonlight. “Fuck,” he muttered because right
then, his decision was made for him. Even gave a small yelp of satisfaction as
Isak pulled his own shirt off as well. “I swear to god, if I die of pneumonia…”
“You can totally blame me,” Even offered, completely unaffected by the glare
Isak shot him. Isak tried to act unaffected as well, but it wasn’t working out
great because every inch of skin Even bared sent a jolt of desire straight to
his groin. He knew he should probably stop staring, but he just couldn’t. He
watched, entranced, as Even stripped down to his boxers, pale skin shining in
the dark like a beacon, and he had just gotten used to the idea of swimming
next to an Even who was only wearing his boxer shorts, when he kicked those off
as well.
Isak paused his own disrobing (shoes off, but pants still on) to stare. He knew
immediately that he wasn’t being subtle, but Even didn’t seem to mind. They
were standing so close that Isak could feel the warmth from Even’s naked body
radiating over to him, but the boy seemed unabashed. Isak blinked stupidly at
him a few times before letting his eyes wander.
Even was beautiful—there was no other word for it—and in the moonlight he
almost looked like a statue, his muscles somehow more defined in the shadows.
He looked like a work of art, like Michelangelo’s David, and Isak’s breath
caught in his throat as he took him in. Even just stood there, shuffling a bit
under his gaze, but making no moves to cover himself.
When Isak finally looked down at Even’s cock, he was surprised to find that he
was hard too. Isak swallowed audibly and looked back into Even’s eyes, only to
find him smirking in satisfaction. Then, without warning, he took off running
and jumped into the water with a joyous shout.
All of Isak’s blood was pooling in his groin and something inside of him was
screaming that this was a bad idea, but he couldn’t think straight with Even
naked only a few feet away from him. He watched the water for several long
seconds before Even crashed through the surface, gasping for air.
“Are you coming?” he cried, splashing water towards Isak, but he was too far
away to hit him. Isak took a deep breath and began unbuttoning his pants. Even
wolf-whistled as he shimmied out of them and Isak felt his chest flush under
the attention, but he didn’t hesitate long enough to let himself get nervous.
Instead, he followed Even’s lead and took a running jump into the water.
The sting from the cold took his breath away and it was painful for a second,
like how an ice cube would burn if you held it in your hand for too long, but
when he finally kicked his way to the surface, choking back the taste of the
brackish water, it felt like a baptism of sorts—like his soul knew things were
about to change before even he did.
Isak opened his eyes, sputtering out the water he had accidentally swallowed,
and was surprised to find that Even was right there, so close that their legs
were hitting each other as they both tried to stay afloat.
“I can’t believe you actually did that!” Even smiled.
“You told me to!” Isak argued, like that was a perfectly reasonable
explanation. He tried to sound mad, but he was too distracted by the drops of
water hanging off of Even’s eyelashes to put much effort into it. God, did he
even know what he was doing to him?
They had managed to swim closer somehow—so close that Isak could feel Even’s
erratic breathing against his lips—and he was so sure in that moment that Even
was going to kiss him, that when he got hit with a face full of water instead,
he forgot how to breath. He coughed out the liquid for the second time that
night as Even’s bright laugh filled the air. And, yeah, it was fucking on.
He splashed Even back, stopping his laughter abruptly, and then the two of them
were yelling and screaming and splashing each other with so much gusto that
they actually started to build up a current in the stagnant water. Isak knew
they were being loud, knew that people were probably trying to sleep, but when
he was with Even, nothing else mattered.
At one point, Even swam below the surface of the water. Isak assumed he was
just trying to escape his relentless splash attack, but another second passed,
and then another, and he still didn’t come back up for air. Isak had just
started to worry that something had actually gone wrong when he felt a sharp
tug on his foot, pulling him farther down into the water, like he was that
chick in the opening scene of Jaws or something.
“The fuck?” he screamed, jerking his foot away only to have Even grab more
tightly to his ankle and drag him under completely. The water once again took
him by surprise and when he opened his eyes, all he saw was Even’s pale skin
shining against the endless black depth of the water. He couldn’t help but
laugh at the ridiculousness of what they were doing—the childishness of it—and
air bubbles escaped from his mouth and floated to the surface. Isak followed
them and broke through the water just as Even did, both of them gasping and
panting and laughing.
Isak tried to lunge at Even, to take him unaware and drag him under like Even
had done to him, but he was too quick. He half ran, half swam closer to the
shore where the water was more shallow. “Ah, get away from me!” he cried, but
Isak wasn’t going to give up. After almost a whole minute of struggling, he
managed to jump onto Even’s back and bring him down, but he had forgotten that
if Even went down, he did too, and they sank to the bottom of the lake, tangled
together in a pile of gangly limbs, both trying to establish some dominance
over the other—both trying to win.
Their wrestling reminded Isak of how they would play as children—back when
there was nothing sexual about their relationship, when they could touch skin-
on-skin and it wouldn’t hold some deeper meaning. He thought for a second that
might be why Even had dragged him out there in the first place—to remind him
that no matter what happened, they still had this, they still had this
friendship—but when the two of them finally crashed back through the surface of
the water, the slick glide of their bare skin touching everywhere,there was
nothing platonic about the hungry look in Even’s eyes.
Before Isak had really even gotten his breath back, Even wrapped his arms
around his neck and kissed him in a way that he had never kissed him before.
The kiss was desperate, pleading, like he was inviting Isak to look into his
soul and judge the darkest parts of him. He held him tight, like he was scared
that if he let go, Isak might disappear forever, and Isak couldn’t help but
grind against his leg under the water. His cock, which had been frozen into
submission earlier, was making a valiant effort to get hard again, and he was
actually thankful to the cold water for once because otherwise he would have
come already.
The kiss raged like wildfire, burning Isak up from the inside out, for what
felt like hours before Even finally pulled away just far enough to catch his
breath. Isak licked his lips, chasing the taste of water and stale beer that
Even had left behind. They were breathing in time, their chests knocking
against each other with every exhale, and all Isak wanted to do was dive back
in, to taste more, to have more of Even while he was willing to give it,
because he just knew this feeling was about to be ripped away. It always was.
Even never entertained the thought of them for long.
“I lied,” Even said, choking out the words like they had been forced from his
mouth unwillingly. They were in the shallow water now, both boys resting in the
sand on their knees, and Isak was glad for that because Even look so
distraught, he wasn’t sure he would have been able to keep himself afloat
otherwise.
“What?” Isak asked. His brain still hadn’t come completely back online after
that kiss.
“I lied,” Even repeated desperately, reaching out to brush a sopping wet strand
of hair out of Isak’s eyes. “About the blowjob. I haven’t done anything with
anyone else, Isak. There’s never been anyone but you. I don’t want there to
ever be anyone but you.”
Isak’s head was spinning and he wasn’t sure if it was caused more by the words
Even was saying or the fact that he could still feel his lips on his. He shook
his head to clear his thoughts. “Then why—?”
“I thought that maybe if you thought I was hooking up with someone else, you
could move on.” His voice cracked on the last word, like the very thought of
Isak moving on pained him. “I can’t give you the things you want, Isak. I can’t
love you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m too broken—they broke me.”
Isak huffed out a bitter laugh and took Even’s face in his hands, cradling it
gently in his palms. “Like I could ever get over you,” he said and the words
split his heart open because he knew they were true. No matter what happened
between them, whether things worked out or they didn’t, he would spend the rest
of his life in love with Even Bech Næsheim, for better or worse.
Their lips found each other again, like a compass finding true north, and
between kisses, they somehow dragged themselves out of the water and onto the
sand at the shoreline. They were coated in it immediately, the sand the only
thing cloaking them from the chill in the air, but Isak couldn’t be bothered
with how dirty he was or how cold he was. All that mattered was Even, lying on
the ground in front of him, his body on display like a masterpiece.
“Do you want one?” Isak said between kisses. Even rolled his hips up against
Isak and started kissing his cheeks, looking way too gone to be paying
attention to anything Isak said. “Even,” he snapped, pleased when Even’s glazed
eyes finally found his. “Do you want a blowjob?”
Even didn’t answer, but his wide, hopeful eyes made the answer obvious.
Finally, Isak thought. He’s the one that’s speechless.
Isak wasn’t sure where his newfound bravery came from, but he slowly kissed
down Even’s trembling body, trying to soothe him as much as he could, but he
knew it was a lost cause. He was trembling as well, his body going haywire at
the feel of Even finally being pressed against him. They’d waited too long for
this.
When he took Even in his mouth, the boy let out a broken moan and tangled his
fingers into Isak’s hair, not pulling, exactly, but holding him close, like he
had to touch him to convince himself it was real.
Looking back, Isak could definitively say it was the worst blowjob he’d ever
given. He didn’t know what he was doing—just tried to imitate what he’d seen in
porn—but it didn’t seem to matter to Even that it was sloppy and unpracticed.
He opened his legs wider to let Isak get closer and as Isak bobbed on top of
him, trying to take more of him in his mouth, Even kept trying to thrust
upwards, chasing the feeling.
“Sorry, sorry,” he said on one particularly hard thrust that left Isak gagging.
He threw his hands over his eyes, like he was embarrassed. “Shit, I’m sorry.
That feels really fucking good.”
Isak wanted to say something smug because he was feeling particularly confident
with Even squirming beneath him, begging for more, but he had a mouthful of
cock and didn’t think Even would appreciate the sarcasm when he was so close to
coming. What he did do was swat at Even’s arms until he lowered them, looking
confused.
“I want to see you,” he said, pulling off just enough to speak before diving
back in, sucking on the head of Even’s cock as he stared up into his blue eyes.
It was less than a minute later before he was shaking through his orgasm,
spurting hot liquid onto Isak’s tongue. Even though he’d been expecting it, it
still managed to take him by surprise, and he ended up with more on his face
than in his mouth.
He was embarrassed for all of two seconds before Even sat up and began licking
away his mess, pulling Isak into another frantic kiss. Isak licked into Even’s
mouth, wanting him to taste himself on his tongue, and Even seemed to enjoy it
because he quickly began searching for more.
He pulled Isak onto his lap so that he was straddling him and then wrapped his
hand around his cock and began jerking him off almost too slowly as he
whispered a steady stream of nothings into his ear. “Yeah, baby, that’s right.
I’ve got you. God, you’re so beautiful, Isak, so perfect. I love you so much.
I’m going to take such good care of you.” Isak buried his head in the crook of
Even’s neck and held on tight.
He couldn’t remember ever being that hard in his life and he came much faster
than even Even had. He wasn’t sure if it was normal to get that turned on by
giving someone else a blowjob, but what the fuck ever. It felt great. He
collapsed against Even’s chest completely spent, and he lowered them both back
to the ground where they lay on top of each other, their hearts still racing as
they tried to catch their breath.
After a few minutes, the chill from the air began seeping back into Isak’s
bones, but he just snuggled closer to Even, trying to enjoy the afterglow for a
little while longer. As Isak’s heart steadied, however, he heard Even’s
continue to gallop forward under his ear and he just knew a ‘but’ was coming.
Sure enough: “Isak,” Even whispered, his soft voice sounding as sharp as a
sentencing gavel between then. “I want you—I want this—so badly. I lay awake at
night and all I can think about is you. I go to sleep and all I dream about is
you. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I think about is you. You’re
my world, you’re my life, you’re my everything.” Isak nuzzled closer to him.
But? “But,” Even continued, “they can’t know about this. They’ll try to tear us
apart. They won’t let us be together. They won’t understand.”
Isak wasn’t sure what “they” Even was referring. Isak’s parents? His parents?
Isak would never say it to Even, but he’d always gotten the impression that
their parents knew—or at least suspected—that there was more between them than
just friendship. The way their moms would whisper and giggle when they walked
into the room sometimes, the way his dad called Even “son” with so much
affection it warmed Isak’s whole body. No, this was bigger than that. It was
like Even was talking about the whole world. They won’t let us be together.
They won’t understand.
“Then we won’t tell them,” Isak decided. “It’s none of their damn business
anyway.”
“Isak,” Even sighed. “I’m not going to make you do that. You want to be out. I
know you do. I’m just—I’m not brave like you.”
“You’re not making me do anything,” Isak snapped, resting his arms on Even’s
chest so he could look down at him. “Look, I want to be with you. And if me and
you are the only people who know it, then that’s fine with me. I’ll take what I
can get. We’ll just take it one day at a time—hell, one minute at a time. We
can make this work.”
“Yeah?” Even asked and he sounded so hopeful that it broke Isak’s heart.
“Yeah,” he agreed.
“And what are we going to do in this minute?”
Isak chuckled. “In this minute, we’re going to get dressed and you are going to
take me back to your bed and kiss me like you fucking mean it.”
“Am I?” Even laughed, but he didn’t argue with Isak’s plan and they stayed up
all night, kissing until their lips were sore, because Isak was scared that if
he stopped, he might not ever get another chance.
*
They spent the rest of the summer in each other’s arms and Isak’s heart was so
full he thought it would burst. He had never known love, never known happiness,
until he knew what it felt like to be held with so much devotion that it took
his breath away.
Despite the rules and the secrecy, Isak never once doubted that Even loved him.
How could he when he was so openly affectionate? But there were some things
Even did that twisted Isak’s stomach into knots—and not in a good way. Isak was
very careful about not touching Even around other people, but Even wasn’t great
with the whole self-control thing. One minute, he would have his arm wrapped
around Isak’s shoulder, talking to his parents, and then the next, he would be
gone, standing all the way across the room, his fists clenched tightly at his
sides like he had forgotten for a minute that Isak was something he wasn’t
supposed to have. Even when it was just the two of them, he would turn away
from kisses sometimes, out of habit. Sundays were especially bad. Even would
come home from church in a foul mood and avoid touching Isak for hours, no
matter how hard he tried to calm him down.
Still, the good outweighed the bad.
What Isak had underestimated was just how hard it was going to be to keep his
mouth shut. He didn’t know that being in love was something he’d want to share
with other people. He wanted to tell his friends and his parents. He wanted to
show Even off and take him on double dates. He wanted to hold his hand in
public and call him “baby.” He wanted a lot of things that Even wasn’t ready to
give him, but he wanted Even more.
Jonas, however, was more astute than Isak had ever given him credit for. Even
though he was wrapped up in his own affections with Eva, he quickly realized
that Isak was smiling more. That he and Even sat so close when it was just the
three of them, it was like they were one person. That sometimes Even would hold
his hand when he got tipsy or kiss him on the cheek like he had done it a
hundred times before. Thankfully, he never said anything in front of Even, just
watched them with a fond smile on his face.
“So what’s going on with the two of you?” he finally asked after almost a
month. The three of them had spent a few hours at the skate park alone, but
after a little while, Isak and Even had gotten bored and sat together on an
empty bench, leaning close to whisper to each other as Even alternated between
playing with Isak’s fingers and playing with his hair. When he said goodbye, he
waved at Jonas and gave Isak a kiss on the forehead.
“I’ll see you tonight,” he murmured and Isak had just nodded happily.
“Nothing,” Isak shrugged, but he was smiling so widely, he knew Jonas knew he
was lying. Jonas squinted his eyes doubtfully and an exuberant laugh bubbled
out of Isak’s chest because he was just so damn happy all the fucking time and
he couldn’t help it.
“Just tell me this,” Jonas said. “Have you or have you not experienced the
great joy that is blowjobs?”
“Oh my god,” Isak groaned, blushing furiously and ducking his head into his
hands.
Jonas smiled knowingly. “Dude,” he cried, holding his fist up for a fist bump.
“Dude,” Isak agreed, knocking their hands together.
They never talked about it again—Jonas seemed to sense that Isak either didn’t
want to or couldn’t, and he didn’t press the subject—but it was nice having
someone around who knew. It made him feel less like what they were doing was
some dirty little secret relegated only to dark nights and empty houses.
So, yes, it was hard keeping the secret and it wasn’t something Isak was
particularly fond of doing, but it was what Even wanted and Isak knew that
relationships required sacrifices.
He was happier than he could ever remember being.
So of course that’s when everything fell apart.
It was a couple months into the new school year when his mom’s mind started to
drift. She had done so well for so long and Isak thought she was taking her
meds, but maybe she wasn’t because the next thing he knew, she was muttering
under her breath about sacrifices and witchcraft and sin—always sin. Isak made
her an appointment with her doctor, but she refused to go and his father
refused to take her. “I’m done paying for this shit, Isak. If she doesn’t want
help, we can’t be the ones to help her.” So he just lay awake in bed at night,
texting Even into the early hours of the morning, waiting on the fallout. He
didn’t have to wait long.
Less than a week after it started, he got home from school, already drained
from the day he had had, to find the house ransacked. There were plates lying
broken on the ground and clothes strewn everywhere. He followed the path of
them back to his parents’ bedroom where the closet was half empty and his
father’s drawers had been scraped clean. He was already shaking in terror,
fearing the worst, when he finally spotted his mother, curled into a ball on
the bed.
“Mamma,” he said, running to her. He collapsed on his knees beside the bed,
looking deep into her green eyes that were so like his, but it was as if she
couldn’t see him. Her eyes never focused on him. She was looking beyond him to
something only she could see. Something that wasn’t actually there.
“He’s coming,” she said. “He’s coming and he’s going to burn them all. All the
sinners: the sexually immoral, the impure, the covetous…” And she kept going,
condemning the thieves, the drunkards, the idolaters, and Isak couldn’t take it
anymore. He stumbled away from her bedside, tripping over one of his father’s
shoes that had been dropped into the corner, and then he ran.
He ran all the way across town until he reached Even’s and then he banged on
the door, tears flowing freely down his cheeks.
“Isak,” Even said, his smile faltering as he got a good look at him. “What’s
wrong?”
Isak was crying too hard to speak, so Even dragged him into the house and
cradled him on the sofa as he sobbed, being ever so patient as Isak choked out
the story in bits and pieces. How his mom was crazy and his dad was gone and he
didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to do.
“I just left her,” he sobbed. “God, I’ve got to go back. I’ve got to do
something!”
“Shh, shh,” Even soothed. “Isak, your mom’s fine. She’s done this before.”
“She could hurt herself—”
“If she can hurt herself, then she can hurt you. You’re not going back there.”
His words sounded harsh, but they were the truth. Isak rarely worried about
himself—he was always worrying about other people—but sometimes when his mom
had one of her episodes, he did wonder. She would hit and punch and throw
things and he didn’t think that the fact that he was her son would stop her
once she got going. “What was she doing when you left?” Even asked kindly, like
he was trying to make up for his outburst.
Isak swallowed back the lump in his throat. “She was just laying in bed.”
“Then she’s okay. You’re sixteen, Isak. This isn’t for you to figure out.”
They curled up together on the sofa as Isak dried his eyes and when the tears
finally stopped, he realized just how quiet it was. “Where are your parents?”
“Gone,” Even chuckled. “Some work thing for my mom. They won’t be back until
tomorrow. I was just about to call you when you showed up.”
Isak couldn’t help but pout. “Fuck,” he said because they had been waiting for
this opportunity for months.
“It’s fine,” Even grinned, squeezing Isak’s shoulder. “I’m just glad I was here
when you showed up. I never want you to feel alone, baby.”
After a little while, Even made him dinner. It looked delicious, but Isak
couldn’t taste much of anything. Even didn’t seem to care that he wasn’t
eating, just pushed his glass of water closer to him and encouraged him to
drink instead. They washed the dishes together and then turned on the TV, but
soon Isak started to feel trapped, like the house was too small. His skin was
crawling with pent up energy and he wasn’t sure why, but when he told Even what
he was feeling, the boy just nodded, like that was completely normal, grabbed a
blanket off of the back of the couch, and then led him outside where they made
a pallet in the backyard so that they could lay down and stare up at the sky.
It was so beautiful, so vast and open and full of possibilities. Staring up at
it, the scary things in his life didn’t seem so scary. As long as he had Even
next to him, holding his hand like he was doing now, everything was going to be
okay. He knew it was a bad idea—knew that his heart was already in pieces—but
there was a hole inside of him that only Even could fill, so he leaned over and
he kissed him.
It started out lazy, but Isak had so many emotions inside of him that their
kisses quickly grew more passionate, more desperate, as each of them tried to
heal the broken parts of the other and show them that no matter what, they were
still loved.
Years later, the rest was still a bit of a blur, which was a good indication
that it never should have happened in the first place. Isak was too raw, too
vulnerable, to be giving all of himself to someone else, and even though he
didn’t know it at the time, Even was too.
The next thing he knew, their clothes were off, scattered on the blanket around
them, and Isak was pushing back onto Even’s fingers, begging for more and
deeper and harder.
“Isak, are you sure?” And he was. He was so sure. He’d never been more sure
about anything in his life.
They made love that night on a blanket beneath the stars. Even worshipped him
and worshipped his body like he was a god and when it was over, Isak cried not
for what he’d lost that day, but for what he had gained.
The words came out of him without any premeditation, not because Even didn’t
already know, but because Isak wanted to say it aloud at least once. “I’m gay,”
he said through his tears. “And I love you so fucking much—so much, Even, that
it hurts.”
Even leaned over and kissed Isak full on the lips. “I know. Because that’s how
much I love you too.”
*
They were lying in Even’s bed later that night, still holding each other
tightly, when a prickling feeling of unease began to creep down Isak’s spine.
Even had been talking nonstop for at least half an hour about life and love. He
got like that sometimes and Isak was used to it, so he tuned most of it out,
but then Even was talking about him, about them, and there was something about
his words that concerned him.
“It’s a sin, you know,” he said, “me loving you.” He said it so nonchalantly,
like it was a fact—nothing he was bothered by, just the way the world was. “But
I’m so fucked in the head that I don’t even care! There’s something wrong with
me, Isak, I know there is because you’re so pure and innocent and sweet—like an
angel—but I still want to be the one to corrupt you. I want you to be the one
to corrupt me!”
Isak suddenly felt sick to his stomach. Was that how he really felt? Did he
really think what they were doing was wrong? “Even, you’re not fucked in the
head—” he started, wanting to make sure that if he didn’t know anything else,
he at least knew that, but Even barreled on like Isak wasn’t even there.
“I think we should tell everyone!” he cried and he sounded so excited now.
“Have sex on the fucking alter, rub it in all their faces, and then burn in
hell together. What do you think?”
Isak tried to smile through the bile in his throat. “Yeah, okay,” he said,
hoping that maybe that would calm Even down. Maybe that would soothe him enough
to get him to sleep and then things might be different in the morning. That’s
what he always wished for his mom too—that things would be different in the
morning.
Thankfully, Even seemed satisfied by his comment and the two of them fell back
into silence. Isak knew he wouldn’t sleep, not after Even’s words, not after
what happened with his mom. He was once again just waiting for the fallout.
It arrived just before dawn.
Even hadn’t been sleeping either and out of nowhere he stood and pulled on a
bathrobe. “Baby, where are you going?” Isak asked, sitting up in worry.
“Just to get some water,” Even assured him. “You want anything?” Isak shook his
head and then collapsed back onto the pillows, relieved.
Even had been gone for almost twenty minutes when Isak heard the sound of the
front door opening and then slamming shut.
He prayed to himself that it was just Even’s parents getting home, but in his
heart, he knew. He was already shaking uncontrollably when he heard Even’s
mom’s car peel out of the driveway and the first thing he thought was, Can he
even drive?
Isak hopped out of bed immediately and yanked on his clothes before running
down the stairs and searching for any sign of where Even might have gone. There
was nothing. No note, no text, no fucking email. He was just gone.
There were tears in Isak’s eyes once again and it was too much. It was all too
much. He tried calling Even, but quickly realized he’d left his phone on the
table next to Isak’s. Not knowing what else to do, Isak used Even’s phone to
call his parents instead.
It was only when his mom answered, already sounding alarmed, that Isak
remembered it wasn’t even five in the morning yet.
“Even, what’s wrong?”
Isak swallowed back his tears and tried to relay the story clinically, but he
couldn’t help but get choked up halfway through the delivery. “This isn’t Even,
it’s Isak,” he said. “I-I don’t know where Even is. He was acting weird and
then he just left. He took your car out of the garage and he drove away. Maybe
it’s nothing—I’m so sorry to worry you if it’s nothing—”
“No, sweetie, I’m glad you called,” she said with a heavy sigh. She sounded
tired, worried, but not surprised. Isak heard her whisper a few urgent words to
her husband on the other line. “We’re going to find him, okay, Isak? But I want
you to stay there. I don’t want you getting involved with this. We’ll call you
when we know something.”
And so he waited.
He was nearly sick with worry when he got the call saying that Even was okay.
“The police picked him up,” his mom said, “so he’s safe, but he’s going to be a
little out of it for a while. Why don’t you go on home? We’ll get him to call
you when he’s feeling up to it.” So he walked home, utterly exhausted, both
relieved and scared out of his mind.
He wasn’t even surprised to find his mom gone when he finally stepped through
his front door because that was just the kind of day he was having. Luckily,
this time, there was a note. He could barely read it through his tears:
Isak, Your mom is sick and she needs help that we can’t give her. I’m putting
her in a home for people like her. She’ll be better off there. I wish I could
stay, but that house has too many bad memories for me. Do what you need to.
I’ll send money. Love, Dad
Isak ripped the paper into a million little pieces, curled up into a ball on
the floor, and cried for what felt like hours. Even was gone, his mom was gone,
and this time, he really was alone.
*
It was only later that he found out what Even had been doing in the early hours
of that morning. He had driven to the church and barged into the sanctuary,
screaming at the top of his lungs about how they were wrong, they were all
wrong. If god had only known what it felt like to love someone like Isak, he
wouldn’t have said it was a sin because Isak was precious and perfect and he
deserved to love whoever he wanted to.
He crashed after that in a big way. He wouldn’t return Isak’s texts, wouldn’t
return his calls, and when Isak showed up at his house, begging to see him, he
got his mom to send him away. And Isak understood, he really did. Even’s mom
told him about his bipolar diagnosis and how hard he was taking it, but it
still hurt that he would abandon him now, when he had no one else left.
It was Jonas, who had heard it from some of his skate park friends, that told
him Even was back at school, that he was fine—or functioning, at least, which
was more than Isak was expecting with all of the dead silence he was getting.
He ditched his last two classes and rushed to Even’s school, just knowing that
Even would want to see him, but when he got there and saw Even laughing with
his friends in the courtyard, he realized he was wrong. Even didn’t want him at
all. So he stopped texting and he stopped calling and he stopped being a burden
on his life.
He ended up in a gay bar that night and begged some tall blonde to take him
home and fuck the memory of Even right out of him because his heart hurt and he
just wanted to feel better, but he ended up going home with Eskild instead and
slowly, his new roommates began to piece him back together.
It was six months later before he heard from Even again. Isak used to sleep
with his phone on silent, but after everything that happened with him, he now
kept the volume turned up as loud as he could. Just in case. It was just after
two in the morning when the call came through. Isak woke up from a dead sleep,
immediately on high alert, and felt his stomach jump into his throat when he
saw Even’s name come up on the display. If it had been daylight, he might have
thought through the ramifications of answering for too long and let it go to
voicemail, but as it was, he was too scared to even wait for the second ring.
“Even?” he asked, answering the call. It was quiet on the other end of the line
for several harrowing seconds before the crying started—loud, wracking sobs
that broke Isak’s heart because he had never heard Even in that kind of pain
before and it was tearing him apart. “Baby,” he said, tears falling from his
own eyes now too. “What’s wrong?”
Even cried for so long without responding that Isak gave up on hearing his
voice at all. Instead, he filled the silence with words that he hoped might
make him feel just a little bit better. “It’s okay. You’re okay, baby. Just
breathe.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Even finally choked out and Isak started
crying harder at the sound of his voice. God, he had missed him. “I don’t think
I can do this anymore. I feel so alone.”
“Even, I’m right here,” he said through his tears. “You’re not alone, baby, I’m
here.” Still, the tears didn’t stop coming, and Isak was scared now. He knew
how Even’s emotions could get sometimes and he didn’t want to let him off the
phone until he knew for sure that he was okay. “Even when we’re not together,
okay? Even then, know that I’m still here. Know that you’re never alone. I
don’t understand shit right now, Even, I really don’t, but I still love you.
Now you have to love yourself.”
Neither of them said another word, but they stayed on the phone for hours,
first crying together, and then just listening to the other breathe. They
finally hung up as the sun rose and it wasn’t closure exactly, but it was more
than Isak had expected.
He dreamed of Even when he finally fell asleep, of storage closets and blanket
forts, of crayons and moonlit lakes.
It was over a year before they spoke again.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Isak’s first day of his last year of high school wasn’t even halfway finished
and he was already over it. Eva was mad at him for making a flippant joke about
how she was dragging Jonas around by the balls, he had two practice essays due
Friday, and fucking Emma Larzen had asked him out again—he wasn’t sure how many
more times he could say no to her before people started getting suspicious.
He was so drained that he didn’t even bother standing in line for lunch, just
figured he’d eat the granola bar stuffed at the bottom of his backpack if he
got hungry, and dropped his head onto his arms instead, waiting for his next
class to start. The din of the cafeteria was nowhere near soothing, but it did
have a strange lull to it and Isak could almost feel himself drifting off when
he was startled back to consciousness by the clatter of a plastic tray next to
his head.
“What the hell?” he snapped, craning his neck to glare up at Jonas, who was
glaring right back. Was he mad now too? “Dude, it was a fucking joke,” he
groaned, but Jonas rolled his eyes.
“I don’t give a shit about what you said to Eva,” he said, waving him off. “Why
the fuck didn’t you tell me he was transferring here? He walked into my history
class and I just fucking froze. I didn’t know whether I was supposed to hate
him or—do you hate him? I don’t even fucking know. You never talk about him
anymore—but he looked so lost, Isak, so I invited him over and we talked a bit.
He seemed totally chill, but if you want me to hate him, I will.”
He crashed down into the seat next to Isak, looking so apologetic that Isak was
positive he must have missed something. He blinked up at him stupidly. “Huh?”
“Even,” Jonas said, like Isak might possibly be the dumbest person he had ever
met. Just the sound of his name sent an uncomfortable chill down Isak’s spine.
“What about him?” he shrugged casually, determined not to let Jonas see just
how much the name still affected him.
“He’s here!” Jonas cried. “In my fucking history class.” The color drained from
Isak’s face and Jonas immediately sobered. “Did you not know?”
Isak felt panic building in his throat in a way that it hadn’t since the night
Even and his mother had both been ripped from him simultaneously. This wasn’t
happening. It was a dream. God knows he’d dreamed about it enough. About what
he would say and how he would act and whether they could still be friends even
after the hell Even had put him through—whether that’s even what he still
wanted. “No, I didn’t fucking know,” he said, breathless. “What the fuck’s he
doing here?”
“I don’t know,” Jonas admitted, holding a hand out like he already knew Isak
was going to try to do something stupid. “He must have transferred.”
“Why the fuck would he do that though?” Isak panicked.
“Isak, I don’t know,” Jonas soothed. “Are you okay? Do you want to get out of
here? You don’t look so good.”
Isak forced himself to take a much-needed gulp of air and had already started
nodding his head desperately when Magnus dropped his bag onto the ground across
from them. “Hey, guys,” he said, plopping down into the seat. Isak was prepared
to ignore him, determined to get out of the school as fast as he fucking could,
but then Magnus spoke again and ruined any plans Isak had to run away from his
problems. “Have you met Even yet? He’s new.”
Isak and Jonas simultaneously turned from where they were whispering urgently
to each other and looked across the table, their eyes slowly trailing up a very
familiar long, lean body to meet Even’s—and just like the very first time he’d
ever met him, those ice blue eyes took Isak’s breath away.
No matter how much he tried to deny it, Isak knew that he had fallen in love
with Even irrevocably when he was eleven years old, and he was pretty sure he
was falling again now because damn. He was tall—so fucking tall, shit—but the
way he was holding himself, like he was ready to curl into a ball to shield his
body at a moment’s notice, made him seem smaller than he was. His hair was
styled in the same ridiculous quiff he’d taken to wearing during that last year
they’d spent together, but it didn’t look so ridiculous now. It fit him well.
Made him look like fucking James Dean, which Isak did not need,thank you very
much.
He had every reason to look cool and confident, but he was blushing under
Isak’s gaze—something Isak was 100% positive he had never seen before—and he
looked just as ready to run as Isak felt. It struck Isak then that the last
time he’d seen Even, the boy had been manic and had run out on him before his
come had even dried on Isak’s body; the last time he’d heard his voice, he’d
been crying.
It was the same Even and yet, so much had changed.
“You can sit,” Magnus said, looking between the three of them like they were
all insane. Even did a double take at Magnus’s words, but then nodded absently.
He dropped his own bag to the floor and was just about to sit when he looked to
Isak, silently asking permission. Isak shrugged minutely. What the fuck ever,
Even. Do what you want.It wasn’t like his wishes had ever mattered to him
before.
“So this is Jonas,” Magnus introduced, oblivious as ever to the tension hanging
thick in the air between them. “And this is Isak, the guy I was telling you
about. He’s a whiz at bio—he’ll help you get caught up real quick.”
“Hi, guys,” Even said, his fingers tapping out a rhythm on the table in front
of him. It was the most awkward Isak had ever seen him look and he took some
perverse pleasure in that.
“Hi,” Jonas drawled when it became obvious Isak wasn’t going to say anything.
“Again.” And then all three of them were looking at Isak, waiting for
something, but he couldn’t find words because at the sound of Even’s voice, he
was pulled back into their last night together. To soft, whispered “I love
you”s, to “I never want you to feel alone.” So he just sat there, staring
blankly, knowing that Even owed him enough to allow him one minute of rudeness
after what he had put him through.
Even’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed thickly. “Hi, Isak,”
he said, uttering his name like a prayer. Isak couldn’t help but shiver, like
Even had run his fingers directly over his heart.
He was at a crossroads. He could either walk away and do to Even what he had
done to him, or he could say hi back and maybe, just maybe, start rebuilding
the best thing that had ever happened to him. Although he still felt broken and
damaged and lost beyond reason, he chose the latter. “Hi, Even.” And there it
was. The first stitch along his broken heart had been placed and he was pretty
sure Even could feel it too because his shoulders relaxed and the corners of
his lips twitched up in a barely-there smile. Next to him, Jonas breathed an
audible sigh of relief.
“What the fuck?” Magnus chuckled, finally catching on to the weird atmosphere.
“Do you know each other?”
Yeah, Isak wanted to say, Biblically. But what he settled for was, “We went to
the same church growing up.”
“Aw,” Magnus cooed. “So you knew Isak when he was a grumpy little munchkin?”
Even snorted and looked over at Isak fondly from beneath his eyelashes.
“Isak? Grumpy?” he said, eyes narrowed doubtfully. “Isak’s not grumpy.”
“You have no idea, dude,” Jonas chuckled, but Isak could hear the words he left
unsaid: You have no idea what he’s like when he’s not with you.
Even looked at Isak carefully, like maybe he would find something in his eyes
that would tip him off to the fact that he was a different person now, but he
didn’t seem to find it because he just shrugged. “I guess you’d know better
than me.” And, shit, if that didn’t sting.
Isak was suddenly overcome with emotions, overwhelmed with a sense of
wrongness. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was all backwards. It was
supposed to be Even that knew him better than anyone. It was supposed to Even
sitting next to him with a reassuring hand on his knee. It was supposed to be
Even. It was all supposed to Even.
He felt tears prickling behind his eyes and it was ridiculous, it really was,
but he had to leave, he had to get away from whatever the hell this was. “Um,
god, I just remembered,” he said, standing up. He cursed the fact that you
could hear the emotion in his voice and he would be embarrassed, but there was
no room left in his heart to feel anything else. “I’m supposed to be meeting
Sana for…um, for something.” He bent down to pick up his bag and tried to wipe
his eyes on his sleeve as stealthily as he could.
“I could go with you—” Jonas started, but Isak just shook his head.
“No, it’s fine. I’ll see you guys later.” He hadn’t even taken one step away
from the table, however, before Magnus stopped him.
“Hey, wait,” he said and when Isak turned back around, he noticed Even standing
halfway out of his chair, like he had been about to come after him. He wasn’t
sure what to feel about that. “I told Even you would help him in biology. His
credits got really fucked moving schools and he’s a little behind.”
Damn you, Magnus. “Yeah, whatever,” he said, knowing that would be the fastest
way to get him to shut up. “Just text me, I guess,” he said to Even. “If you
want.”
He was waiting on a nod of understanding before leaving altogether, but what he
got instead was another bright red blush. “You don’t have my number anymore,”
he realized. Even opened his mouth—to explain himself or deny it, Isak wasn’t
sure—but Isak was done. “Get it from Jonas,” he said and then he stormed out of
the cafeteria, caught somewhere between grief and anger.
*
Isak spent the night wearing a hole in the carpet of his bedroom. He tried to
sleep at first, even though he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in almost two
years, but he quickly gave it up as a lost cause. Every time he closed his
eyes, he saw Even—both as the gangly boy with too long limbs and acne, and as
the man he was now. He could still feel his lips on his body, still hear the
way he screamed Isak’s name when he came, still taste the lake water on his
tongue. So, no, he certainly couldn’t sleep. He paced instead.
It was after three in the morning when the ball of anxiety clenched tightly in
his chest deflated, only to be replaced with a white-hot anger. It tore through
him like wildfire in a strange imitation of lust. Isak realized then that he
had never allowed himself to be properly angry. No matter how much he hated
that Even’s solution to his problems was to rip Isak out of his life, there was
a part of him that understood. He knew Even was struggling, not just with his
sexuality, but with his mind as well. He knew that Even hadn’t wanted to leave
him. He knew he hadn’t done it to be cruel. But there was a part of him that
had always selfishly hoped Even was suffering as much as he was, that he wanted
him back—or at least missed him, even if only a little bit. Seeing him standing
in the cafeteria, happy and healthy and whole—it should have satisfied him, but
instead it pissed him off.
Why did Even get to be fine while Isak’s heart was still shredded to pieces in
his chest? How did he fall sleep without dreaming of him? How did he forget the
way it felt to be inside of him? Isak would give anything to know because he
had a feeling his suffering was only going to get worse.
He was still fuming when he walked into school the next morning, only now he
was fuming after having been awake for a solid 28 hours and counting. It wasn’t
a good combination and he wasn’t sure whether it was better or worse than
constantly being on the verge of tears.
He was standing at his locker, trying to extricate his biology book, which was
buried at the very back, when a shadow fell over him. He knew without looking
up who it was and he sighed in annoyance.
“Hi,” Even said and Isak turned to give him a frustrated glare over his
shoulder. Even smiled at him sheepishly, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
Good. Let him be nervous.
“What?” Isak snapped, finally getting a hold of his textbook and pulling it out
while simultaneously knocking two others to the ground. “Fuck. Hold this.” He
passed the book he needed to Even and then bent down to pick up the rest.
“Um, I just wanted to talk,” Even said, sounding confused.
Isak gathered his scattered belongings from the floor and stuffed them back
into his locker haphazardly, slamming it shut before everything had a chance to
explode out of it again. “I have class in five minutes,” he said, finally
turning his dull, dead eyes to Even. He knew he was being an asshole, but he
didn’t fucking care.
“Oh, well, I, um…” He seemed shaken by Isak’s forced calm, sad almost, and
there was a part of Isak that wanted to reach out a hand and assure him that it
was fine—that it was all just an act—but his hands were clenched tightly behind
him to keep from doing just that. Even seemed to change course mid-sentence
because he finally snapped, “Are you mad at me?” Like the very thought was
ridiculous.
Isak waited a beat, expecting some sort of punch line, but it never came. “Of
course I’m fucking mad at you,” he said, rolling his eyes.
To Isak’s surprise, Even crinkled his nose and let out a small laugh. “Stupid
question,” he realized. “I meant are you mad that I’m here? At your school?
Because if you don’t want me here, I’ll leave. I’ve ruined your life enough.”
The little fight that was left in Isak vanished and he heard himself let out a
pitiful whine, completely unbidden. “I’m not mad,” he sighed. “I’m—” Hurt.
Confused. Heartbroken.“I wasn’t expecting it, that’s all. I could have used a
warning. It was just a bit much, seeing you for the first time in two years
with all of my—our, I guess—classmates watching. I thought you would have told
me before springing something like that on me.” Even dropped his head in guilt
and Isak suddenly remembered something else from their conversation the day
before. “But you couldn’t, could you?” he realized. “You have no idea where I
live and you deleted my phone number.”
“I didn’t do that to hurt you,” he was quick to say. “After that night I called
you, I knew I couldn’t put you through that again, so I deleted the number. I’m
sorry.”
I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I feel so alone .
Isak shook off the memory and tried not to think of all the nights that came
after when Even was still suffering, but had no one to call to talk him through
it. “It’s fine,” he shrugged, trying to act casual. On the list of Even’s sins,
deleting Isak’s phone number barely even scratched the surface of what he had
to apologize for.
“Why here?” he asked suddenly and Even startled backwards at the vehemence in
his voice. “Why did you leave your old school and transfer here, of all
places?”
Even sighed heavily. “Things were rough for me there,” he admitted. “Some stuff
went down last year and I—I didn’t feel safe going back.” He looked into Isak’s
eyes, as if he were drawing strength from him, but it didn’t escape Isak’s
notice that he hadn’t answered the other half of the question.
“And why come here?”
The soft smile was back on Even’s lips and he leaned forward just a bit, until
Isak could feel his body heat against him. “Because you were here,” he
admitted, like it was the easiest thing in the world to say. “I always feel
safe when I’m with you.”
The halls were filling up with students around them and Even backed away from
Isak, giving him room to breathe, but Isak wasn’t paying attention to anyone
but Even. Had he really just said that or was Isak hallucinating? Had he fallen
asleep on the tram? Was all of this a dream?
“You should probably get to class,” Even pointed out after a few seconds of
awkward silence and Isak startled at the reminder that he had somewhere to be.
“Oh, yeah, I should go.” Even didn’t bother moving, so he stepped around him
and began walking down the hall, throwing one last glance over his shoulder
before he continued on his way.
“Oh, Isak, wait,” Even said, rushing up to him and Isak turned immediately, his
heart fluttering with nerves for a reason even he didn’t understand. To his
immense frustration, all Even had for him was the textbook Isak had forced on
him earlier. He huffed his displeasure, but took it back from him nevertheless.
“I’ll see you later?” Even asked carefully, like he was walking through a
minefield that was going to blow at any minute.
Isak nodded absently and ambled his way down the hall to his biology classroom.
The class was halfway over before his heart started beating normally again.
*
Because Even shared his class right before lunch with Magnus, and because
Magnus was a very difficult person to dissuade from anything, Even started
eating lunch with them. He didn’t say much—neither did Isak—but Isak would be
lying if he said it wasn’t nice to have him there, to see him fitting in with
Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi. He tried not to dwell on the fact that that should
have been their normal for years by that point. Thinking about the time they
lost hurt too much.
It was during lunch on Wednesday that Isak got the text. He almost didn’t check
it, assuming it was another Bible verse from his mom (she had been sending him
a chapter of Revelation a day for the past two weeks), but something told him
to look and when he did, he felt his breath catch in his throat because Even’s
name was staring up at him from his lock screen. He looked across the table in
surprise to find Even smirking at him knowingly. He nodded at the phone in
Isak’s hand, as if to say Well?
Isak unlocked his phone to pull up his text history with Even and did his best
to keep his face neutral as he looked at the string of unanswered messages he’d
sent over the past two years and never deleted. They still sat there, mocking
him. There was a terse Happy Birthday sent in February, followed by a You are
not alone in May when Isak had logged onto Facebook and realized Even had
deleted everything. He wouldn’t have sent it normally, would have at least
tried to appear like he was over it, but when Even was just gone from his feed,
he had feared the worst. He never even saw these, Isak realized. I bet he had
my number blocked.
He pushed away those memories and looked down at the new message. Were you
serious about tutoring me in bio?
Isak shifted uncomfortably in his seat, but eventually looked over at Even and
shrugged. Even rolled his eyes and mimicked his shrug before looking down at
his lap and typing out another message.
Okay well will you? He must have noticed Isak’s slight frown because he quickly
followed that up with, If you want. You can say no.
Isak kept his eyes glued to his phone, knowing that if he looked into Even’s
hopeful gaze, he wouldn’t be able to say no. Did he want to tutor Even? To
spent maybe hours a week with him? Possibly alone? At one time in his life,
that was all he would have wanted, but now he wasn’t so sure. There was a part
of him that feared getting close to him again, worried that he might pull away
just when Isak got attached. But who was he kidding? He had gotten attached a
long time ago and that was something he still hadn’t managed to shake.
Okay, he finally typed, wondering if Even could hear his heartbeat from across
the table. When?
When he finally looked up, Even was staring down at his phone with a smile on
his face that thawed some of the ice on Isak’s heart. Today after school? In
the library?
Isak wasn’t sure he was ready to be alone with him so soon, but if not now,
when? He looked Even dead in the eyes and nodded.
“What about you, Isak?” Isak turned back to his friends in surprise to find all
three of them staring at him, Jonas ducking his head into his hands in what
looked like secondhand embarrassment.
“Um, what?” he asked, looking between them for any clues as to what he had
missed, but they gave nothing away.
“Seriously?” Magnus complained. “Were you listening to anything I just said?”
“No,” he said without any remorse. “I wasn’t.”
“He wants to have anal sex,” Mahdi supplied with a smirk.
“And he wants my opinion?” Isak cried hysterically.
Magnus let out an annoyed huff. “Me and Vilde are thinking about it,” he
corrected, like this was a completely normal thing to be talking about over
cheese toasties. “I’m just trying to make an informed decision and these two
losers haven’t ever tried it. Have you?”
There was a list of questions in Isak’s head that he had rehearsed lies for,
questions like “Are you gay?” and “Who was your first kiss?” He had no answer
prepared for “Have you ever had anal sex?” What the fuck?
“No,” he said, probably too vehemently to be entirely believable, and although
it was technically a lie, he doubted he would have been able to answer many of
Magnus’s questions anyway, considering he had been the Vilde in his own anal
sex experience.
It was only after the initial wave of embarrassment passed that he remembered
the Magnus to his Vilde was sitting across the table from him (And seriously,
what was his life coming to that he was comparing what he had with Even to
Magnus and Vilde?). He said a quick prayer to a god he barely believed in that
Magnus would just drop the subject without—
“What about you, Even?”
Fuck. Immediately, Even turned his wide eyes to Isak because he was the worst
fucking liar in the whole world—always had been—and Isak tried to shake his
head without making it obvious to everyone else that he was shaking his head,
but Even just looked even more confused by what he was doing, probably because
he looked more constipated than anything. “Uh…” he said, drawing out the word
while he thought about the answer, eyes still locked on Isak. He never got
around to saying yes or no, but his hesitation said everything. Magnus let out
a pleased yelp.
“Really?” he cried, practically vibrating with excitement. “How was it?”
“Uh…” Even repeated, finally tearing his gaze away from Isak as his cheeks
flushed a dark red. Next to him, Jonas quickly disguised a laugh as a cough in
the sleeve of his jacket. What did Isak do in a previous life to deserve this?
“It was the best sex of my life, actually.”
For a brief second, Isak was sure that his heart had stopped beating. They’d
never gotten a chance to talk about that night—the good parts or the bad
parts—and to hear that even years later, it still meant something to him, set a
flutter of butterflies loose in Isak’s stomach. Because even though Even had
never told him, he knew that there was someone that came after him, a pretty
blonde girl from his old school who Isak had seen pictures of on Even’s
Facebook while he still had one. He spent weeks thinking about her, wondering
if she kissed better than him, if she fucked better than him. He never would
have had the guts to ask, but here at least was confirmation that if he wasn’t
anything else, he was still Even’s best fuck.
The two of them stared at each other, smiles gone, but Isak saw the truth in
his eyes.
“Fuck it,” Magnus decided. “I’m doing it.”
His enthusiasm seemed to draw Even back in. He shook his head a bit, as if to
get his brain back on topic, and then supplied some actual helpful advice.
“Okay, but like, it’s not something that just happens, so you need to Google
about prep and shit.” He winced at the pun as soon as it was out of his mouth
and Isak couldn’t help but smirk. Magnus just nodded along to his suggestion,
mouth agape, as if being told to use Google was the most fascinating thing he
had ever heard.
“And lube,” Isak added because somehow this strange conversation had put him in
a good mood. “You need real lube, not whatever cheap lotion you use to jack off
with.”
“I thought you’d never done it before though,” Magnus pointed out. And shit.
Why was he such an idiot? Before he could freak out, however, Jonas came to his
rescue.
“That’s just common sense, dude,” he said. “You weren’t planning to fuck her
without lube were you?” That set off another bout of ribbing from Jonas and
Mahdi that Magnus took good-naturedly and Isak released a deep breath he hadn’t
realized he was holding. When his heart rate finally settled, he looked up to
find Even watching at him worriedly.
There were questions dancing behind his eyes, questions Isak could almost hear
across the space between them. Do they know you like boys? Would they care if
you did? But he said none of those things, just continued to watch him until
they were finished with their lunches and the bell rang, ushering them towards
their next class.
“I’ll see you this afternoon?” Even reminded him before they left the cafeteria
and Isak just nodded. As if I could forget.
*
Isak was a bundle of nerves by the time he settled into a table at the back of
the library at the end of the school day. He had his biology textbook open in
front of him and was flipping through the pages way too fast for anyone to
actually believe that he was reading, but it gave him something to do with his
hands. Even was only three minutes late, but already Isak felt like he'd been
stood up. It felt like all those times he'd texted him and waited hours, days,
weeks without hearing anything back. He had just convinced himself to bail
before Even could do it to him when someone stopped in front of his table. He
looked up, feeling oddly relieved that he hadn't been abandoned, but instead of
Even, there stood Emma.
"Hi," she said cheerfully, dropping into the chair across from him.
"Uh..." Isak stalled, looking desperately around the room for any sign of Even.
Thankfully, he was there, standing at the entrance to the library, scanning the
room for Isak. He finally found him and smiled, but his forehead furrowed in
confusion at the sight of Emma.
"So, have you found out about Friday yet?" Emma continued, oblivious that his
attention was elsewhere (the amount of oblivious contained in this one girl was
staggering, actually).
"Friday..." Isak mused. What the fuck was Friday? He remembered her asking him
something about it on Monday, but he'd found out about Even shortly afterwards
and everything else just didn't matter after that.
"The party?" She continued, frowning now. "At Maria’s? You said you thought you
had plans, but you'd check."
"Oh yeah," he said. Even had reached the table by that point, but was standing
frozen behind Emma, like he was waiting for permission to sit. Isak just stared
up at him with wide eyes, but his gaze drew Emma's curiosity and she turned to
look at the boy above her head.
"Oh, hello," she smiled, moving her bag so Even could sit. He hesitated for
only a second before doing so. "I'm Emma."
"Even," he said, shaking her hand.
Immediately, she turned back to Isak. "So, Friday?"
Isak knew he was blushing under the combined attention of both Emma and Even,
and he was so flustered he couldn't even think of a good lie. So he sat there,
mouth half-open, hoping maybe an excuse would come to him. Even watched him
with an amused smirk.
"Friday?" Even asked, turning to Emma as he fished a notebook out of his bag.
"I thought we were hanging out Friday?" He directed the last part to Isak and
for one brief second, Isak remembered why they used to be best friends.
"Oh my god, yeah," he said and he knew his surprise sounded genuine. "I knew
there was something. Sorry, Emma, but I promised Even weeks ago I'd go see that
new Nicolas Cage movie with him."
Instantly, Even snorted. "I am not going to go see a Nicolas Cage movie." Isak
turned and glared at him. "What? I don't want people thinking I watch Nicolas
Cage movies!"
Isak rolled his eyes. "I'd forgotten you were a pretentious movie snob."
Even raised an eyebrow doubtfully. "No, you hadn't." Fuck, no he hadn't. He was
just about to ask what Even wanted to see then, if he was so cultured, when
Emma spoke again.
"Okay, well I'm just going to go." She stood, eyeing them warily, and then
began backing away from the table. "See you around, Isak?" Isak quickly turned
a grimace into a smile and gave her a half-wave.
"Who was that?" Even asked, watching her disappear over his shoulder.
"Girlfriend?"
Isak watched the doorway long after she was gone, trying to think of an answer
to that question. He wanted to give Even the same answer as the last time he’d
asked him about possible girlfriends— I don't like girls like that—because part
of him wanted to make sure Even knew nothing had changed. The other part of
him, however, wasn't ready to give this new Even that kind of ammunition
against him. "No," he finally said. "Just a girl."
Even nodded, like that was a perfectly acceptable answer, and then stared at
Isak from over his crisp new notebook. "Thanks for doing this, by the way," he
said when neither of them started to speak. “I'm so fucking lost."
Isak shrugged. "You're a fast learner though," he remembered and Even blushed
at what could possibly be construed as a compliment. "Let's just get you
through these Punnett squares today since that's what the quiz is on, and then
we'll work on the rest later."
Even seemed agreeable so Isak opened his textbook and flipped to the correct
page, but when he looked up, Even’s entire demeanor had changed. He was staring
at Isak like he'd seen a ghost.
"What?" Isak asked immediately because the intensity on Even's face was
actually a little shocking.
Even shook his head minutely. "Sorry," he said. "I just...Look, I know I need
to apologize for some stuff and I want to do it now because the longer I wait,
the more awkward this gets. I know I was an asshole to you, Isak. You're way
too good to me. If I were you, I wouldn't have bothered showing up today."
"Even," Isak warned, looking around the library that was still half-full of
nosy teenagers.
"No, I know, I just...I'm so fucking sorry, okay? I hurt you and I hurt me and
I broke what we had. I broke the best damn thing in my life and I'll never
forgive myself for it."
Isak's heart was beating all over the place, but there was something about that
apology that lit a spark in him because it wasn't enough. "What exactly are you
apologizing for?" he snapped, his voice low enough to keep it away from curious
ears. "Because it sounds like you're apologizing for having an episode, which
was never your fault in the first place. I was never mad about that. If you
want to apologize for something, maybe start with apologizing for fucking me
and then leaving me alone, terrified, without any explanation for months. You
were just gone, Even. What would you have done if that was me? If you had a mom
like mine and I suddenly disappeared, clearly out of my mind, and then refused
to talk to you? I know that what happened almost killed you, but guess what? It
almost killed me too."
A heavy silence fell between them and Isak immediately felt guilty because Even
looked like he'd been slapped. There was more Isak could say about the drinking
and the gay bars, but his goal wasn't to make Even feel guilty, which he was
obviously failing at miserably. "Look," he sighed. "I don't want to talk about
this here. Let's just—"
"Your place or mine?"
"What? No, I didn't mean..." But Even looked so hopeful and Isak had been the
one to open Pandora's box. That wasn't just something he could close the lid on
and shove under the bed until he was ready to discuss it again. It was out
there, in the open, and now he had to deal with it.
Isak bent and began packing his things. "Mine," he said, already standing and
heading towards the door, not even checking to see if Even was following him.
There were too many memories of them at Even's and he knew that the second he
walked in that door, there would be flashbacks that would cloud his vision all
night. Even had never set foot in his apartment. If they were to start anew,
that was the place to do it.
*
He had hoped that his place would be empty when they got there, but of course
he was not that lucky.
"And who is this?" Eskild said, appraising Even as soon as the door shut behind
them.
Isak sighed deeply. He'd just had the most awkward tram ride of his life and
being grilled by Eskild was not going to make anything less awkward. "Eskild,
Even. Even, Eskild," he introduced quickly. The two of them reached across Isak
to shake hands, but he pushed them away before they could do so and stepped
between them. "We're going to my room," he said to Eskild and Eskild beamed,
giving him a conspicuous wink as he led Even away.
Without Even in his life, Isak had drifted so far back into the closet that he
wasn’t even sure he could find his way back out again. Eskild, however, was
determined to shove him out by force if that’s what it took. Isak could tell by
the excitement on his face that he thought Even was the guy he'd been trying to
set Isak up with on Grindr for weeks—they were both tall, blonde, ridiculously
good-looking—and Isak wasn't going to correct him because he knew that if
Eskild thought they were hooking up, he was less likely to show up in an hour
with a cheese tray or something equally ridiculous. Isak would just have to
straighten that misunderstanding out later.
"Nice apartment," Even said as Isak ushered him into his room and shut the door
behind them. He wanted to lock it, but he didn't want Even to get the wrong
idea. Or to feel trapped. Of course, he realized very quickly that he was
liable to get the wrong idea anyway because Isak had completely forgotten that
the only place to sit in his room was on his fucking bed, but there was no
taking it back now.
Even didn't seem bothered by the small quarters, just kicked his shoes off and
climbed onto the bed to lean against the headboard. "Same duvet," he noted,
running his fingers over the threadbare fabric.
"Yeah," Isak admitted, running his own fingers through his hair nervously. "I
should probably get a new one."
Even hummed. "I like this one."
They stared at each other, both of their cheeks flushed, remembering the summer
they'd spent cuddled together under that exact same duvet, sometimes sleeping,
sometimes kissing, sometimes trying not to listen as Isak's parents yelled at
each other from the next room. Slowly, Isak kicked off his own shoes and joined
Even on the bed. He sat across from him, careful to make sure they didn't
touch, and crossed his legs as a weak line of defense between them.
"I'm sorry I blew up at you," Isak said, because it was true. "That wasn't
cool."
"No, you had every right."
Isak rolled his eyes, sick of the self-deprecating bullshit. The sudden
overwhelming need to just rewind everything came over him, but he wasn't sure
exactly what he wanted to rewind to. Back to the library before he'd lost his
shit? Back to the cafeteria on the first day of school before he'd seen Even?
Back before they slept together? Before they met?
Isak sighed. "I know you're sorry," he said and, once again, he meant it. He
could see it in Even’s eyes every time he looked at him, hear it in his voice
every time he spoke. And he hated it. "So can we just—not forget, I know we
can't do that—but can we try to move past it? I can't say that things will ever
go back to normal, but I'd like to get to the point where looking at you
doesn't hurt so fucking bad. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time
and I hate it."
Even looked at him sadly. "I hate it too." The silence between them stretched
out as Isak waited for a response. Even seemed to be debating with himself
about something, but eventually hardened his jaw and just spit it out. "I want
to move past it too, but I just need to say one thing first. Please?" He was
begging, plain and simple, so Isak nodded. "I didn't push you away because I
wanted to or because I thought you couldn't handle it. And I never for a second
regretted what we did. That night—you —were all the kept me alive during a
bunch of really dark days. I was just scared, Isak, of what I might do to you
if I stayed. It took a long time for me to work things out in my head—about the
bipolar a-and my sexuality—and I knew it would. I didn't want to drag you down
into that mess with me and then, when I finally found my way out the other
side, I figured forcing myself back into your life at that point would be
selfish."
Isak couldn’t help but roll his eyes. "That wasn’t your call to make, though,"
he pointed out. "I'm a big boy. I—God, Even, you don't know how much it killed
me to know that you were going through hell and that I couldn't help you with
it."
Even frowned. "Only you can feel what you feel," he muttered, like he was
repeating something someone had told him once. When Isak glanced over at him,
Even looked a second away from tears.
"I want to start over," Isak declared, but then immediately winced. That wasn't
the right wording. He didn't want to start over because he didn't want to erase
everything they'd had before. "I want to move forward," he corrected and Even
nodded like he was a man drowning and Isak had tossed him a life vest. And that
was the gist of it, really. He knew they could sit there for hours, arguing
their points back and forth, but it was in the past now. Isak wanted it to stay
there. He exhaled a shaky sigh. "Now back to Punnett squares."
Even's raised his eyebrows in surprise at the joke and then the two boys were
laughing loudly, a flurry of emotions pouring out of them. This is it, Isak
thought. His life had been divided for so long into two parts: the part before
Even left and the part after. This is when everything starts over again.
*
Surprisingly, they actually did get some studying done and, just like Isak
remembered, Even was a quick learner.
“Okay,” Even mused, looking down at the key that their teacher had given them.
“So since your eyes are green and my eyes are blue, that means that if we were
ever to have a baby, the baby would have a—hold on—50% chance of having green
eyes and 50% chance of having blue eyes.” Even frowned. “I hope they have green
eyes. I like yours better.”
At some point in the past two hours, Isak had migrated up the bed to lean
against the headboard next to Even and it was only as they started talking
about copulation that Isak realized they were touching all along their sides
and probably had been for quite a while. Suddenly, the room felt very hot.
“Right?” Even clarified since Isak had been quiet for a bit too long. Isak
swallowed hard and nodded.
“Right,” he agreed. “Although any baby the two of us had would, by definition,
beat all known laws of genetics, so this might not be very applicable.”
“Way to ruin my fun,” Even pouted, turning to face Isak. They were now sitting
so close that he could feel a stray lock of Even’s hair brush against his
forehead. He’d forgotten what it felt like to be this close to him, to have
every nerve ending alight with anticipation. The hair on his arm was standing
on end and he just hoped that if Even noticed it, he would blame it on the
nonexistent chill in the room.
“Anyway,” Isak said, reaching out and closing the textbook in front of him.
Even startled backwards at the abrupt movement. “I think you’ve pretty much got
that figured out.”
“Oh,” Even said, frowning down at the now-closed textbook like it had done him
some personal wrong. “There were still a couple problems left, though?”
“That’s your homework,” Isak shrugged, like that had been his plan all along.
“I’ll look at them tomorrow.”
“Yeah?” Even asked with a sly smile. “And what do I get if I do them
correctly?”
Isak’s cheeks flamed at the implication. He knew what Even wanted him to
say—knew what he would have said if this was two years ago and he was still
comfortable with Even’s dick in his mouth, but as it was, he wasn’t quite ready
to be anything but kind to Even. His heart was still too bruised for that.
“A passing grade on your quiz Friday,” he answered and Even rolled his eyes,
pouting once more.
“Fine,” he said, dragging himself off of the bed. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”
Isak nodded absently, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms
around them to keep himself from following Even out of the room. He never
walked Jonas out of his apartment. That wasn’t something friends did.
“My mom’s going to be so happy when I tell her where I was this afternoon,”
Even said, smiling over his shoulder at Isak as he slipped his tennis shoes
back on. “She’s missed you a lot.”
Isak couldn’t help the fond smile that pulled on his lips. “I’ve missed her
too,” he admitted. On the days when he was really craving a mom that had enough
wherewithal to care about his grades and his sleeping habits, he even missed
her more than he missed Even. She, at least, had never done anything to hurt
him.
“And, uh,” Even said, finally dressed and standing at the door with one hand on
the knob, ready to make a fast escape. “How is your mom?”
Isak had known the question was coming, but he never was quite sure how to
answer it. Even, at least, had a better understanding of what her episodes
meant than most people—not just because he had a diagnosis of his own, but
because he had witnessed it firsthand—but that didn’t make it any easier to
relay the nitty gritty details.
“She’s at home now, at least,” Isak shrugged, belatedly realizing that Even
might not know she’d ever left home in the first place. He didn’t seem
surprised by the news, however, so Isak barreled on. “And, yeah, she’s better.
Still not 100%. She goes through ups and downs with her meds, but it’s
manageable right now.” He wanted to get out his phone and show Even the texts
she’d sent him that day about rivers of blood, plagues, and woes that would
only keep coming. He thought Even might understand it. They had grown up in
that same world, after all.
“I’m glad,” Even said with a soft smile. He stared at Isak for a few more
seconds and then said his final goodbye. “Thanks again for the help, Isak. It
really does mean a lot to me.” And then, with only a wave, he was gone.
Isak immediately collapsed back against his pillows, breathing a sigh of relief
for having survived whatever the hell that had been. He listened from his bed
as Eskild stopped Even on his way out. Isak couldn’t make out their words, but
thankfully Eskild didn’t hold him up for too long and soon the front door was
opening and then closing, signaling Even’s departure from the apartment. All in
all, it hadn’t been that bad.
Like Isak knew he would, Eskild was at his door in a second, waggling his
eyebrows suggestively. Isak just shook his head. “That wasn’t Grindr Guy,
Eskild.”
“What? Yes it was!” he argued, but after a quick inspection of Isak, who was
still fully clothed, and the bed, which was no more rumpled than usual, he
seemed to accept defeat. “Well, damn,” he said, biting his lip nervously.
Instantly, Isak was on high alert. “What did you say to him, Eskild?” he cried,
but Eskild just waved him off.
“Nothing, nothing,” he said, but his tone made it very clear that it was
something, something. “I mean, nothing incriminating, at least. Don’t look at
me like that! You should have told me he wasn’t Grindr Guy as soon as he got
here.”
“So I should just start introducing everyone I bring over as Not-Grindr-Guy?”
“Well, it would certainly be helpful.”
Isak had about a million things he wanted to say about boundaries and
respecting others’ privacy, but he knew it would be lost on Eskild. Plus, there
was literally no possible way Eskild could embarrass him in front of Even more
than he’d already embarrassed himself, so he figured this was one of those
situations where it was best not to know. He let the argument drop.
“There’s pasta in the kitchen, if you want some,” Eskild finally said. “I sent
Not-Grindr-Guy home with a bowl as well since I knew you wouldn’t have the
decency to feed your hook-ups.”
“Not a hook-up,” Isak pointed out, but he was already halfway out of bed, his
stomach leading him towards the kitchen.
*
After eating and taking a shower, Isak found himself back in his bed, trying to
distract himself with YouTube videos to keep from thinking about how his sheets
still smelled like Even. He was going to have to do laundry tomorrow if he ever
wanted to be able to sleep at all.
When YouTube got boring, he switched first to Netflix, and then eventually—as
the hours dwindled down and Even’s musty scent grew thicker in the air—to
PornHub, which was becoming almost a nightly occurrence now. Orgasms were the
one foolproof way to put him to sleep.
Whereas usually he would scroll through the homepage just to check (for the
millionth time) whether any of the thumbnails of gorgeous, naked women
interested him, he didn’t even bother that night before switching over to the
gay stuff. Some might call that progress.
He didn’t want to admit it to even himself, but he’d been half hard for hours,
his body conditioned to respond when Even was that close to him. He wasn’t sure
if it was the physicality of it or the pheromones or what, but it was
impossible to deny that his body remembered him intimately and his body was not
burdened by the same doubts as his mind. His body wanted and if he wasn’t going
to let his body have Even, he was going to have to let it have something else
instead. His hand was nowhere near an acceptable substitute, but it was all he
had.
He clicked play on the first video that looked halfway decent, but honestly, he
didn’t even really need the visual stimulation. He pulled his boxers down to
his ankles, closed his eyes, and listened as the two men on the screen moaned
and grunted, taking their pleasure from each other’s bodies.
Isak couldn’t help but think back to the first time he’d ever watched gay porn.
He had been thirteen at the time and he hadn’t been alone.
It had been Even’s idea, as most bad ideas were. He was spending the night at
Isak’s, but Isak’s parents had gone to sleep hours before, leaving the boys to
entertain themselves however they wanted (as long as they stayed quiet). He had
brought it up casually, jammed the suggestion between “play video games” and
“make pizza rolls” on a list of possible activities to fill their night, like
watching porn together was a perfectly normal thing for best friends to do.
Isak remembered staring at him dumbfounded. “Porn!?” he asked incredulously.
“What?” Even shrugged. “Do you not watch porn?”
“I-I mean, I do,” Isak stuttered. “Alone.”
“Well, do you want to?”
Isak doesn’t remember ever saying yes, but he never said no either, and the
next thing he knew, him and Even were sprawled out on top of the very same
duvet Isak was sprawled out on now, Isak’s laptop sitting on the bed between
them as Even scrolled through the home page of videos. Isak was hard just
looking at the thumbnails. He didn’t care that it was all boobs and vaginas.
All that he cared about was that Even was sitting next to him, looking at those
same boobs and vaginas, and that there was a tent in his pants that made it
obvious he was hard too.
“I watched all the good ones last night,” Even said after a minute. “Want to
try the gay stuff?” Isak just nodded dumbly and that’s how they ended up
watching as a big, hairy, muscular man who was tied to a four-poster bed, got
ridden to within an inch of his life by a young, blonde boy. Isak could still
remember the sounds the two of them made—the begging and the pleading, the
guttural moans they made when they came—and how beautiful it had seemed echoing
off the walls of Isak’s childhood bedroom.
Pre-come had soaked his boxers in less than a minute and his hips were
thrusting in time to the movements on the screen, no matter how hard he tried
to stop them. He didn’t want Even to think he was too into it. Was it possible
to be too into porn? Even, however, had no such qualms.
“Do you mind if I—?” He choked out, palming the front of his sweatpants
breathlessly. Isak just shook his head, not quite knowing what he was agreeing
to, but agreeing to it whole-heartedly nonetheless. Then, to Isak’s utmost
surprise, Even pushed his pants down to his knees, baring his pale, rock-hard
cock to the cold night air, fisted himself in his hand, and jerked himself off,
quick and dirty. Isak watched in fascination as the muscles in Even’s stomach
spasmed when he came, and he made a desperate sound like his orgasm had been
torn out of his body—something taken, not given. His eyes stayed locked on Isak
the whole time.
Isak came in his pants that night without touching himself at all, and, like he
had done countless of times over the years, he brought himself off again to the
memory of it now, his nose buried in the pillow that still carried Even’s
scent.
Shame slowly began to creep into Isak’s body, as it always did when his stomach
was painted with come. He reached a shaking hand to his computer and exited out
of the window that was still playing the porn video he had chosen and then not
paid any attention to at all.
God, why was he so fucking pathetic?
The orgasm was nowhere near as satisfying as Isak had hoped it would be—they
never were now days, probably because he so often came to the memory of Even
and what they were, what they should have been. Now that Even was back in his
life, there was certainly a part of him that wanted to try to start over again
with him, but he knew his heart wasn’t ready. Today he had gotten a closure of
sorts. What he really needed to do was move on. He knew that the reason Even so
often came to mind was that he was allIsak had. He’d never slept with anyone
else and he was resentful of that fact. He needed to erase those memories—or if
not to erase them, at least to cover them up with a bandage that hurt a little
less.
Without even bothering to clean himself up, Isak moved the laptop to his floor,
grabbed his phone, and opened his rarely used Grindr app. Eskild would be so
proud.
He already had a profile set up using the name on his fake ID, Adrian Eksett,
but he hadn’t even opened it since the night he downloaded it, almost six
months ago. Eskild had been showing him profiles every morning over his cereal,
but so far no one had struck his fancy.
He scrolled through the home page, quickly bypassing all of the shirtless gym
pics until he found an artsy profile shot of some guy backlit by a sunset. It
was hipster as hell and the fact that you couldn’t actually see any defining
features on his face didn’t bode well for how attractive the guy actually was,
but Isak wasn’t planning on hooking up with him anyway. He just needed to feel
something—to feel anything—with someone who wasn’t Even.
He clicked on the profile. The guy’s display name was Art Vandeley (which
someone should really tell him was not sexy at all because now Isak was just
picturing George Costanza) and his profile was pretty bare. It was the kind of
profile that screamed closet case and Isak would know because his was just as
bad. There were no other pictures, no identifying information, only a phone
number listed in the description. Isak rolled his eyes, but he was too invested
to stop now. He had to show himself that there were options out there that
weren’t Even. People who would look at a blurry picture of his abs and want to
be with him because of who he was now, not who he’d been at age eleven.
Figuring that this guy obviously preferred texting over using the Grindr
interface if he was putting his phone number in the description, Isak jotted
down the number in one of the notebooks still lying open on his bed and opened
the messenger app instead. He didn’t pause to overthink things, just clicked on
the button to take a picture, rucked his T-shirt up to his armpits, and aimed
the camera down. The lighting wasn’t great, but the finished product looked
dirty as hell. Isak was actually a little impressed.
He wasn’t hard yet in the picture, but he was certainly getting there under the
attention of the camera. His cock was still red from his ministrations earlier
and there was dried come all over his abs, making it very clear what he had
been doing only seconds before. It looked hot. Desperate, sure, but hot.
Satisfied, he began typing out the phone number he’d been given, only to have
it autofill from his contacts. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” he hissed,
using his duvet to finally wipe his stomach off as he sat up in bed, because
the phone number he had been given was Even’s. Out of all the fucking profiles
he could have clicked on…
Isak couldn’t help but laugh. Well, that was one question answered, at least.
Even was still interested in boys.
He should have just given it up as a lost cause, but at the knowledge that Even
was out there, possibly looking for the same type of companionship Isak was—his
cock plumped up against his stomach. And the thought that maybe Even was only
looking for an outlet because he was feeling just as wound tight as Isak was
after their afternoon together? Well, that wasn’t helping.
He knew it was stupid—knew that it would either come back to bite him in the
ass or completely destroy him—but he opened up the Grindr app one last time,
quickly double-checked that there was nothing on his profile that would give
him away, opened the chat with Art Vandeley, and then attached the picture he
had just spent five minutes perfecting, adding the caption Join me for round 2?
“Art” took a few minutes to respond, but when he finally did, it was with a
picture of his own. Isak drank up the sight of Even’s naked body eagerly and he
knew that even without having his phone number, he would have recognized him
anywhere. Even’s skin was still as pale as it ever was, but he had grown more
beautiful over the years. The trail of hair leading down to his groin was
darker, his abs more defined. The picture showed him laying back on his bed
(Isak could just see the corner of the Romeo + Juliet poster that had been
hanging in his bedroom for years), holding his cock erect with his right hand.
There was a drop of pre-come peeking out of the slit.
Isak was properly hard now, despite the fact that he had just come minutes
before, and he began to stroke himself slowly while taking in the sheer glory
of that picture. Even’s next message took his breath away.
I’m ready when you are
Chapter End Notes
     I have never personally used Grindr, but one time some dude
     accidentally put MY phone number on his Grindr profile and I got 4
     dick pics in one night before he changed it, so I'm assuming the
     exchanging of dick pics is how one says hello on that app...
***** Chapter 3 *****
                                 Art Vandeley
Top or bottom?
                                                       I’ve never topped before
                                                  But I want to try it some day
                                                                What about you?
I’ve never bottomed before
But I want to try it
Some day ;)
                                _______________
                                                                   Are you out?
I was at my old school
Didn’t turn out too well. I had to transfer
                                                                  Oh. I’m sorry
I’m not. I like the new school better anyway
                                                 But you’re back in the closet?
It feels that way. But if someone asked I wouldn’t lie
Are you out?
                                                                             No
                                                   Well to a few people I guess
                       My roommate, my ex. Pretty sure my best friend knows too
Do you want to be out?
                                                                            Yes
What’s stopping you?
                        I came out once before but then everything went to hell
                                    I guess I’m worried that might happen again
                                _______________
Top 3 kinks. Go!
                                                   Ugh you’re going to judge me
I don’t kink shame
You do yours then I’ll do mine
                                      Public sex, mutual masturbation, bareback
                                                            Is bareback a kink?
Haha I think so
Mine are sex outdoors
Is that the same as public sex?
              I meant like sex in a public place. Like a bathroom or something?
You want to have sex in a public bathroom?
                                                           Hey! No kink shaming
Fine. But you’re supplying the wet wipes
Sex outdoors, rimming, and probably mutual masturbation as well
I did that with a guy once
                                                                          Good?
Wouldn’t recommend it
I haven’t been able to jerk off properly since
                                _______________
                                                    Have you ever been in love?
Once
                                                                 What happened?
I fucked it up
                                                        But you’re over it now?
No. I don’t think I’ll ever be over him
*
Isak sat in the library after school on Monday reading through some of the
messages he’d exchanged with Art over the weekend. He couldn’t stop smiling.
He’d forgotten what it felt like to fall in love and here he was doing it all
over again with the same fucking person that had broken his heart the first
time. He obviously wasn’t the type to learn from his mistakes.
The dubious morality of what he was doing began to weigh heavily on him as soon
as Art’s skillful sexts had talked him through a second orgasm that first
night. It seemed wrong that he knew he was talking to Even, but Even didn’t
know he was talking to Isak. He thought he was sharing secrets with a stranger
on the internet, only it wasn’t actually a stranger at all. He should have shut
it down, maybe even come clean and apologized, but by the time that thought
even occurred to him, he was already obsessed. He had forgotten how addicting
Even was. He had been sober for years, but after just one taste, he knew he
would never be able to quit him entirely.
After the dick pics they’d sent initially, the conversation had been flirty,
but not overtly sexual. Art never asked to meet, never requested an actual
hook-up, and Isak hadn’t offered. Instead, they were getting to know each other
(again, Isak added in his head), and what surprised him most was that
underneath it all, Even hadn’t changed a bit. He brought up a romantic comedy
within an hour of talking to Adrian (Have you ever tried to fake an orgasm? I
was watchingWhen Harry Met Sally last night and I think I could do it if I was
wearing a condom) and even at eighteen, he still seemed to think that dick
jokes were the pinnacle of all humor. Isak loved it—he loved him—but there was
certainly a part of him that wished he didn’t know that. Living in the dark was
so much easier.
“Guess what?” Even said, plopping down into the seat across from him, a bright
smile painting his face.
Isak’s cheeks reddened under both the attention and the fact that Even’s
messages were still open in front of him. He pocketed his phone quickly,
resolving not to take it out in front of Even ever again. Or at least to turn
his notifications for Grindr off. Even could never know. That was the first
thing he’d decided when their conversation kept going after they both had
gotten off. He can never know…
“What?” Isak smirked.
“I got a perfect score on the quiz,” he announced, slapping the piece of paper
down on the table between them. “You should be proud.”
“I am,” Isak admitted, glancing down at the worksheet. “But I already knew
that.”
Even pouted. “What? How?”
“Because you skipped lunch today and Magnus has a big mouth,” Isak chuckled.
“Right, him,” Even smiled fondly. “When did you become friends with him,
anyway? It was always just you and Jonas as far as I can remember.”
Isak furrowed his brow as he thought back. “It was after I started high school,
so probably not long after you…” He let his words trail off. Not long after you
left. He backtracked. “He was close with Mahdi, who became our go-to weed guy
when Jonas’s last one graduated, so…yeah. We all just clicked, I guess.”
“I like them,” Even said and for some reason, his approval warmed Isak’s
insides. “So you smoke?”
Isak chuckled. “Why? You going to yell at me, Dad?”
Even ducked his head as his cheeks flushed. “No, no,” he smiled. “I’ve just
never seen you high before. Drunk, sure, but I can’t imagine you high.” Isak
didn't know what to say to that, so he said nothing. “We’ll have to smoke
together some time.”
“Maybe,” Isak agreed. “But we need to study first.”
It turned out that Even had missed lunch to talk to their biology teacher about
what he was behind on. She’d ended up giving him her lesson plans for the next
month, which Isak was excited about because not only did it help him help Even,
but it also gave him a head start on the rest of the semester. Sana was going
to be so jealous.
“I like her,” Even said as he pulled his biology stuff out of his bag. “She’s a
lot nicer than my last bio teacher. But does she ever wear a bra? Holy shit!
It’s so distracting.”
“Why?” Isak joked. “Forty-year-old biology teachers your thing?”
“I mean, a boob’s a boob, Isak.”
“Hm,” Isak hummed. “I wouldn’t know.”
Even stared at him for a long time, but if he caught the underlying meaning
behind his words, he didn’t press it. “So what are we learning about today,
sensei?”
They had just started a unit on human anatomy and physiology and Even was
overjoyed—probably because it gave him an excuse to use all of the dick jokes
he’d been hoarding.
“Why are they different sizes though?”
“Excuse me?” Isak asked, stopping mid-explanation on the difference between an
artery and a vein.
“Dicks,” he clarified.
“Penises,” Isak corrected automatically because Even was going to have to label
a drawing of the male reproductive system eventually and if he wrote “dick,” he
was going to fail.
Even continued on as if there had been no interruption. “Like why am I longer,
but you’re thicker?”
Isak tried to keep a straight face, he really did, but it was just too much.
“Oh my god,” he mumbled, burying his flushed cheeks in his hands. “Even.”
“What?” Even laughed. “I’m just curious!”
“Well, I don’t fucking know. Why are you taller than me? It’s just genetics.”
“I guess,” Even agreed. “I wish my dick was more like yours though. I like your
dick.”
Isak rolled his eyes and shook his head, already dreading when they started
talking about prostate glands. “Penis,” he corrected once more. “Now will you
fucking pay attention? We’re talking about the circulatory system.”
Even acquiesced, but there was a smile on his face that didn’t go away until
Isak’s blush finally faded. He was flirting, obviously and unabashedly. Isak
hoped that he was flirting because he wanted to and not because he was trying
to channel his sexual tension with Adrian into the closest target. Just the
thought made Isak a little jealous of himself.
They finished their biology homework within an hour, but neither was ready to
leave so they switched to other things—Even to chemistry and Isak to math. Math
was nowhere near his best subject and it was slow going as he tried to work
through the problem set he was assigned. It also didn’t help that he had left
his calculator in his locker. After his third huff of frustration, he gave up
trying to do everything by hand and reached out for his phone sitting on the
table. Only he realized very quickly that it was not his phone at all because
as he clicked the home key to pull up the calculator app, there was a picture
waiting for him on the lock screen. A picture of a very naked girl.
He set the phone down immediately and looked up at Even, already prepared to
beg for forgiveness. Even, however, hadn’t noticed anything amiss. His nose was
still buried in his textbook and he was obliviously chewing on the end of his
pencil.
Isak considered not saying anything, but he knew he was blushing and he knew
Even would know something was up as soon as he looked in his direction. “Uh…”
he said, drawing Even’s gaze to him. He took in the younger boy’s blush and
raised an eyebrow in question. “I didn’t mean to,” Isak started. “But I thought
your phone was mine and…well…”
Even’s eyes widened in surprise and he reached for his phone immediately, as if
he were trying to get it as far away from Isak as he could. Isak ducked his
head in shame, hoping that he looked sufficiently apologetic. When Even clicked
his phone open, however, he only looked confused, obviously not seeing what he
had expected to see there. It didn’t take him long, however, to fully take in
the picture that was waiting for him.
“Fuck,” he groaned, ducking his head into his hands as his cheeks too began to
burn. “What the hell, Sonja?” Isak expected him to put his phone away and try
to talk his way out of the embarrassing situation, but he unlocked the phone
and actually looked at the picture. His gaze didn’t look particularly
lascivious, just curious, but it turned Isak’s stomach nevertheless. He hadn’t
been jealous before, but now he was. Adrian was sending him nudes, this girl
was sending him nudes. How many people did Isak have to beat out before he was
first in line? He stopped that train of thoughts in its track. He had no right
to be thinking it. He wasn’t even sure Even was what he wanted.
“Girlfriend?” Isak asked because he thought it might be more awkward not to say
anything at all. “She’s pretty.” And, nope, he’d been wrong. That was more
awkward than not saying anything at all.
Even looked at him in shock and then burst out laughing. “She’s pretty?” he
asked incredulously. “Her face isn’t even in this picture!” Oh, well, Isak
hadn’t noticed that. Even watched him carefully, waiting for some sort of
reaction, but when Isak gave him nothing, he snorted. “Oh my God, this is so
embarrassing. I’m going to kill her!”
“It’s my fault,” Isak shrugged. “I shouldn’t have been looking at your phone.
Your girlfriend should be able to send nudes whenever she wants.”
“She’s not my girlfriend,” Even corrected vehemently. “Not anymore. We broke up
this summer. I told her it was for real this time, but we’ve been off and on so
much—” He paused as his phone vibrated against the table. He looked down to
read the message. “Yep,” he said, nodding like his worst suspicions had been
confirmed. “She thinks there’s still a chance we could get back together.
Fuck.” Isak worried that she might be right.
He continued staring at the phone in Even’s hand, his thoughts running rampant.
“What?” Even asked a minute later. Isak looked up to find Even watching him
with a smirk.
“Oh, nothing, I just—”
“No, you want to say something,” Even noted. “So just say it.”
“I just…” Isak flailed a bit. “Who sends nudes at 3:30 in the afternoon?” There
was a pause and then they were both laughing again. It took a while for the
laughter to die down, but once it did, Isak felt lighter, freer.
“How long were you together?” Isak asked because he was curious and he wasn’t
sure if the topic would ever come up again. Thank you, Sonja.
Even shrugged, not like he didn’t know, but like he was ashamed of the answer.
“Too long,” he admitted. “Ended up being about a year and a half altogether.”
Isak quickly did the math in his head, unsurprised to find that they had gotten
together shortly after Isak and Even had ended things. Or shortly after Even
had ended things. Isak hadn’t had much say in that break up. A pang of sadness
shot through his heart and the smile on Even’s face faded, like he knew exactly
what Isak was thinking.
“I shouldn’t have ever started dating her in the first place,” Even admitted.
“I was sad and she was there. And very persistent. It wasn’t a healthy
relationship, exactly, but she was good to me. She helped me through a lot of
crap.”
Sounds nice, Isak thought. Having someone there when you need it the most. I
wouldn’t know what that feels like.
“You like girls though?” Isak asked. He wasn’t quite sure where he’d gotten the
courage to dredge that dark thought up out of the depths of his heart, but he
knew it had been sitting there for a long time, just waiting to be asked.
Even looked across the table at him and gave him a small smile. “I’m
pansexual,” he admitted, but his voice was strong and Isak could tell it was
something he was proud of. “I thought I was gay for a long time. Because
of…well, because of you. For years you were the only person I ever thought
about like that.” His blush was back, but he continued talking through it.
“After everything that happened, I just wanted to be normal. I was already
bipolar, I didn’t need anything else that made me different, and Sonja was
there—she was willing. It was easy. Not easy like it was with you, but easy
like…it was expected of me. I didn’t have to explain it to anyone, they just
got it. When I was with her, I could pretend for a little while that I didn’t
like boys too.”
“But?” Isak prompted, because he could sense that there was a ‘but.’
“But,” Even agreed. “I never got over you. One time when Sonja and I were
broken up, I got really drunk and was telling one of my friends about you—I was
such a wreck that night. I remember saying that I wasn’t sure whether I liked
all boys or if it was just you—because it had always just been you, you
know?—and he offered to kiss me. To, like, check.”
Isak shook his head in shock, thoroughly bewildered by where this conversation
was going. Why was Even telling him this?
“So we kissed,” Even sighed. “And it was nice, I think—for a second—but then
some asshole we went to school with barged into the room and saw us. The whole
school was saying I was gay by Monday and I realized it wasn’t being gay I was
scared of, it was having people know I was gay, and now they did. Once that was
out in the open, it was easier for me to admit the truth to myself.”
“That you’re pansexual?”
Even nodded. There was something about Even’s story that made Isak hopelessly
sad. He had so many questions. Who was the friend? Had he been dragged down
into the Gay Witch Hunt with Even? Were they still friends? Something told Isak
that story didn’t have a particularly happy ending because he remembered what
Art had told him just a few days ago about having to change schools because
people found out he was gay.
“You told me you transferred here because you didn’t feel safe at your old
school,” Isak remembered, hoping that was something Even had told him and not
Art. It was getting more difficult to keep the two separate in his head. Even,
once again, nodded. “Is that why?”
“It was Sonja’s ex that walked in on us. He has a knack for ruining people’s
lives if he tries hard enough. He got pissed that Sonja didn’t care about my
sexuality or the whole thing with Mikael, and then he got really pissed that
she took me back even after that. Most of my friends graduated at the end of
last year, including Sonja, but he didn’t. I was scared to go back alone. My
therapist thought it might be better to…try something new.”
Isak’s heart felt full that Even had entrusted him with that information,
without any hesitation, but it didn’t escape his notice that Even didn’t ask
him any questions about his own sexuality in return. Maybe he didn’t care.
Maybe he just knew Isak wasn’t ready—and wasn’t that ironic? Two years later
and somehow, their roles had been reversed. Isak was the one scared of letting
the world in and Even was the one ready to burn it to the ground.
*
Isak thought about his conversation with Even for hours after he got home.
First, with melancholy, reliving all of the horrible things he’d had to go
through that Isak hadn’t been there to protect him from, but eventually, as he
climbed into the shower and his thoughts began to wander, some of the other
stuff he’d said came back to him too.
It had always just been you.
For years you were the only person I ever thought about like that.
I like your dick.
Then he thought back to that picture Sonja had sent and couldn’t help but
wonder if Even was going to pull it out later that night and get off to the
memory of making love to someone who wasn’t him. He couldn’t stand the thought.
Something overcame him then, as the steaming hot water crashed over his body,
and the thought began nagging at the back of his mind like an obsession. He was
going to make sure Even didn’t think about that picture ever again. Isak was
the only one he was allowed to think about like that.
Despite the fact that he had not even begun to bathe himself, Isak shut off the
water, wrapped a towel around his waist to hide his hate boner, and then
shuffled back to his bedroom without even bothering to dry off. When he got
there, he triple checked that his bedroom door was locked and then tossed the
towel onto the bed so that he wouldn’t get his mattress wet before laying down
on it and stoking his cock.
He imagined that he was back on the shore of the lake behind Even’s house,
still wet from a swim, and this time it was Even kneeling between his legs
rather than the other way around. He imagined Even swallowing him down, taking
him so deep that he was gagging. He imagined Even’s fingers caressing his sides
lovingly before creeping farther and farther down. He imagined him stroking
around his rim, his touch gentle but firm. Maybe he would even flick out his
tongue and taste—after all, Art had said rimming was one of his favorite kinks.
That, at least, was something that they’d never done. At least not together.
As Isak’s mind wandered, his hands did too, and soon he was pushing back on two
of his own fingers, trying desperately to imagine they were Even’s but not
having much success. When he was hard and leaking and his ass was sore in the
best way, he finally pulled out his camera. He didn’t have enough hands to
really do the picture justice, but he took a few shots and then extracted his
fingers from his ass to look through them. His cock had started to flag by the
time he found one that he liked. In the picture, his abs were strained and
there were drops of water covering his pale skin, making it very clear that he
had left his shower for this. His cock was red and flushed against his stomach,
pre-come smeared down the length of it, and two of Isak’s long, nimble fingers
were buried in his ass up to the second knuckle. It wasn’t the best he’d ever
taken, but he was satisfied that it was at least better than Sonja’s. (He spit
her name out in his head like it was a curse word.)
He sent the picture to Art Vandeley before he could second-guess himself and
then immediately groaned, crashing back on his pillows and wrapping his hand
around his cock once more. He needed to come. He needed to come now.
By the time his phone dinged with a new message, he had worked himself into a
good rhythm, the fingers of his right hand shoved up his ass and his left hand
wrapped around his cock. He thought it might be the hardest decision he’d ever
had to make choosing which hand to read Even’s text with. Reluctantly, he
pulled the hand off his cock (God, he was really going to have to wash his
phone), but continued fingering himself, listening as his soft mewls of
pleasure filled the otherwise quiet room.
Fuuuuuck, Art had messaged him. Isak smirked as he thrust back onto his
fingers, waiting for Even to say something else. He was a little bummed when a
minute passed without another reply, but he was too horny to care.
Want me to come for you? He typed out clumsily.
It took a couple minutes for Art to text back and Isak slowed down his
movements as he waited, not wanting to come too soon. He had just started to
get annoyed by the lack of attention when another message came through.
I’m at the movies with my fucking parents and I’m about to jerk off in a public
toilet. I hope you’re happy.
Stupid me. Of course you’re happy. You have a thing for public toilets
You haven’t finished yet have you?
No, Isak typed back hastily. Almost
One word responses. You must be close.
Okay. Don’t worrying about texting back. Just read. I’m going to make you come
so hard.
Isak let out a low groan that vibrated his whole body and set the phone next to
him where he could still see it before wrapping his left hand around his cock
once more. Hurry up, Even, he begged in his head. I’m not going to last long.
God your fingers, baby, Even typed. I wish they were my cock. I wish I could
feel you wrapped around me so tight. I’m going to need you to add another
finger though okay? Can you do that for me?
Isak removed the two fingers from his ass without question and then slid a
third back in, his body writhing at the stretch that three caused. He rarely
used fingers when he was jerking off. It took too much time, required too much
lube. It had been a long time since he’d had this much of anything inside of
him. He’d forgotten how good it felt.
Good boy, Even continued after a minute. Go slow for me. Take care of yourself.
Pretend it’s my hand inside of you. Imagine me biting up your thighs, kissing
every inch of your body.
“Fuck, yeah,” Isak muttered, quickening the speed of the hand on his cock until
he could feel his orgasm waiting just a breath away.
If I was there I’d fuck you so good you wouldn’t even remember your own name
and then I’d come inside of you because I know you like that. And not just once
either. I’d stay inside of you until I got hard again and then we’d do it all
over until your belly is full of my come and it’s spilling out of you because
your body just can’t hold any more. Would you like that?
Isak had to bite down hard on his bottom lip to keep from screaming his assent
to the heavens as his orgasm was torn out of him. He didn’t even wait for his
body to recover, knowing that Even was probably still in the throes of passion
in some bathroom stall across town, and picked up his phone to take one last
picture. It was similar to the first, only this time his body was covered in
come instead of water and there were three fingers in his ass, not two.
He sent the picture, along with a message. Does it look like I’d like that?
It was a few agonizing minutes before Even responded—a few minutes wherein Isak
was busy imagining in graphic detail what Even was taking care of for himself
since Isak wasn’t there to do it for him. The picture he sent made the wait
worth it.
Even hadn’t been lying. He was clearly in a bathroom stall—and fuck, that kink
wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. His cock was falling out of the opening in
his pants, limp after it’s recent orgasm, but he was otherwise clothed. The
focus of the shot, however, was not on Even’s dick, but on his palm, which was
holding a handful of come. Isak’s body flushed all over as he looked at the
evidence of the effect he had on him.
See, he thought to himself smugly. I can be hotter than Sonja, damn it.
*
Isak was half-asleep when Even messaged him again and for a second he was very,
very confused until he realized that it really was Even this time, not Art.
My mom wants to know if you want to come over for dinner one night this week
Isak’s heart fluttered at the invitation because it suggested that not only had
Even told his parents that he and Isak were hanging out again, but that they
actually wanted to see him. After all this time. And god, did he want to see
them too. Something about the way Even worded the text, however, gave him
pause.
Do you want me to come over?
I want you to come over if you want to come over, Even responded quickly. I
would love for you to come over. I just know you haven’t been back here since
everything went down. We could always go out if that’s what’s stopping you.
Isak rolled his eyes. Nothing’s stopping me
You want to come??
Yeah. Just tell me when
*
Even’s mom cried when she opened the door. She tried not to, but she cried and
pulled Isak into a tight hug and then cried some more. Isak was only a little
embarrassed to admit that he cried too.
Dinner was a pleasant affair. Even’s parents asked a lot of questions about his
life and his family—some that were a bit painful to answer—but Even sat next to
him through the whole thing, making jokes when the atmosphere got too tense and
squeezing Isak’s knee under the table when he felt he needed a little extra
support. Although Isak had worried about being back in this place where the
memories of the best day of his life and the worst day of his life lurked
simultaneously, it was easier than he’d imagined. The Bech Næsheims had gotten
new furniture since the last time Isak had been there and the walls had been
painted a bright, periwinkle blue that calmed the little bit of anxiety that
was still lingering under the surface.
After dessert, Even excused them both for his room and Isak followed
obediently. His room was much the same as it had been two years before,
although it looked like he might have gotten a bigger bed. He certainly needed
it. He was a fucking giant now. Isak said as much and Even laughed.
“Here, I have something I want to show you,” Even said, digging around the
drawers of his desk, clearly looking for something. Isak knew from experience
that it would take Even a while to find anything in his mess of a room, so he
drifted over to the art wall on Even’s closet door. It had grown in both
quantity and quality since the last time Isak had looked at it and he was
pleased to find that this wasn’t something Even had abandoned over the years.
His drawings had never failed to cheer Isak up. He spotted a few familiar
cartoons of either Isak alone or the two of them together and smiled at the
memory of watching Even sketch some of these in the small green notebook he
used to carry around everywhere. Isak suddenly remembered the picture Even had
drawn of him on the very first day they’d met—the one of him dressed as an
angel. He knew he’d never thrown it away, but he couldn’t actually remember
what he’d done with it. He vowed to look for it once he got back to his
apartment.
“Found it!” Isak turned, expecting a movie or a drawing or something of that
nature, but what he found instead was Even, clutching a joint between his
fingertips.
Isak rolled his eyes. “Seriously?”
“You said we could smoke together some time!”
“Yeah,” Isak chuckled. “But I didn’t mean at your parents’ house with them
sitting in the next room!”
Even raised an amused eyebrow. “You’ve done far dirtier things with me while my
parents were sitting in the next room,” he pointed out and Isak blushed,
thinking back to a particularly memorable night when Even had gone down on him
while the sounds of a Game of Thrones episode blasted from the living room.
They ended up opening Even’s bedroom window and smoking out into the night so
that hopefully the smell wouldn’t carry throughout the house. After only a few
hits, Isak’s body started to feel loose and pliant. Every time Even’s fingers
brushed his to pass the joint, it felt like fire was shooting up his arm in the
best way.
“Are you always this quiet when you smoke?” Even asked after a few minutes and
Isak looked over from where he’d been staring out at the skyline to meet Even’s
gaze.
Isak thought about it. “Pretty much. I usually just smoke with Jonas, Magnus,
and Mahdi, and between the three of them, it can be hard to get a word in
edgewise.”
Even smiled and nodded, like he had no trouble believing that. “What does Jonas
know about us?” he asked after a few more minutes and Isak felt a frown pull
down on his face.
“Honestly, I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I never explicitly told him anything
and he never asked, but he definitely knew we were…doing things at one point.
And when everything fell apart, it was kinda hard to hide the fact that I was
messed up. A lot of it was because of my parents, but when you stopped hanging
around, I think he put two and two together.”
Even’s frown deepened as he took another hit. “He’s been so nice to me,” he
said, almost like he couldn’t believe it.
“Jonas is a pretty chill dude.”
“Yeah,” he shrugged. “But if someone left you like I did, I would hate them
forever, just because of that. Nothing else would matter.”
You love me though, Isak wanted to point out, but then he corrected himself in
his head. You arein love with me though. Still. And he knew it was true.
“Have you ever shotgunned before?” he asked, all of sudden. Even looked over at
him in surprise.
“Um, no. Why?” He fidgeted on the window seat nervously and although Isak was
apprehensive as well, he tamped down his own nerves and reached out for the
joint in Even’s hands.
“Because I want to try it. You game?” Even stared into Isak’s eyes for a long
time, like he had been hypnotized by them, before he finally nodded, although
he looked so distracted that he could have been agreeing to anything. “Okay,
come here.”
He scooted forward until he was almost in Even’s lap. He didn’t want to
encroach on his personal space further without permission, but they still
weren’t quite close enough. Sensing the problem, Even grabbed Isak by the hips
and pulled him all the way onto his lap without hesitation. He could feel the
hardness in Even’s pants underneath him, but Even didn’t seem ashamed and it
would be hypocritical of Isak to judge him for it, considering he was already
half-hard as well.
He fumbled with the joint for a second before finally raising it to his lips.
“Ready?” he asked and watched Even nod as he took the hit. He held the smoke in
his mouth, trying not to cough, and then leaned forward the short distance
separating them to breathe it out into Even’s waiting mouth.
The smoke fogged up around them like a curtain until everything else was just a
blur and all he could see were Even’s blue eyes staring back at him. Their lips
rested against each other in a way that was somehow even more intimate than a
kiss and Isak knew that if he waited any longer, he was going to lose his
nerve, so he steeled himself and, as the smoke began to fade, closed his mouth
on Even’s bottom lip until they were kissing.
His head was fuzzy from the weed, but his lips instantly tingled with the
contact and he could feel the kiss everywhere, from the tips of his toes to top
of his head, and all inside of him too, every nerve ending buzzing with energy
and his heart beating out a very welcome hello as it finally found it’s way
home. It was a short kiss, so short Isak almost couldn’t believe it had ever
happened, but when he pulled away, Even looked just as dazed as he was and he
knew he had felt it too. He was seconds away from diving back in when there was
a hesitant knock on Even’s bedroom door.
The two boys froze for one harrowing second before jumping into action. “One
second!” Even cried, his voice far from sounding anywhere close to normal. He
ripped the joint out of Isak’s fingers and put it out in the cup resting
between them as Isak tried to fan some of the smoke out of the room before
shutting the window.
All in all, it was probably a whole minute before Even was able to crack his
door open, looking very disheveled. Isak watched over Even’s shoulder as his
mom cocked an eyebrow in a way very reminiscent of her son and smirked between
the two of them. “Having fun?”
“Mom,” Even groaned and she just smiled.
“Isak, I fixed you some leftovers to take home,” she said, holding up three
containers of food for him to see. “You’re welcome to stay, of course, but it
is getting late. If you want me to drive you home, we should probably go now.”
Isak nodded. “Thank you, that would be great.”
Even still looked a bit out of it and Isak had to physically move him out of
the way so that he could step around him to get out of the room. “I’ll see you
later?” he asked, hoping that his kiss hadn’t ruined what they’d been trying so
hard to rebuild. Even seemed surprised to hear his voice and nodded, finally
turning his attention fully to the younger boy.
“Yeah,” he said, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. “Yeah, I’ll see you
tomorrow.” Then he smiled a smile so blinding that Isak forgot all of his
worries and just let Even’s mom lead him out of the house. He was floating on
air the whole way home.
*
As soon as Isak’s high faded, however, he started freaking out. He spent the
rest of the week avoiding both Even and Art Vandeley, making up random, off the
wall excuses for why he couldn’t attend their usual study sessions after
school. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Even. It wasn’t even that he
didn’t want to kiss him again. The real problem was that he didn’t know what he
wanted. Or, more accurately, he was scared to death of what he wanted because
he wanted it so bad—had wanted it for so long—that the possibility of having it
ripped away might just kill him.
Even was smart enough to see right through what he was doing, but he never
called Isak out on it, never even seemed annoyed by it. He was so chill that
Isak began to worry that maybe that was what Even wanted as well—to put some
distance between them, to forget the kiss had ever happened at all.
Or maybe he was just being nice.
He was so confused and looking for anything to take his mind off of Even, that
even Jonas’s announcement that they were going to a party hosted by Emma on
Friday sounded like a welcome distraction.
“Did you invite Even?” he asked when he was sure Magnus and Mahdi weren’t
paying them any attention.
Jonas shook his head. “You’ve been acting weird around him the past few days. I
figured you could use the break.” Isak sighed gratefully, clapping him on the
back. What did he do to deserve a friend like Jonas?
*
The four boys were pre-gaming at Isak’s, laughing and joking around, teasing
Magnus about his failed attempt at anal sex with Vilde, when, after only two
beers, they decided to turn on Isak instead.
“So, you’re hooking up with Emma tonight, right?” Mahdi asked. Like it was
expected. Like he was a total failure for not having done it before.
“I thought you already hooked up?” Magnus asked and Isak, for the life of him,
couldn’t remember what lie he had fed them when they’d left him and Emma alone
in the bathroom at Eva’s party before the school year started. Did he tell them
she’d given him a blowjob or not? Shit, he couldn’t remember.
He waved the question off. “I’m over her. She’s too clingy.”
“Dude, she’s hot,” Mahdi countered. “Who the fuck cares if she’s clingy?”
“Uh, me,” Isak pointed out. “You’re not the one who has to field two hundred
texts a day every time you get her hopes up. A blow job isn’t worth that.”
The boys then began debating what exactly a blowjob was worth and quickly
decided that Isak had his priorities backwards. “Unless there’s someone else,”
Magnus prompted. “Someone who gives better blowjobs, maybe?” Isak wasn’t sure
if he was asking or if he was insinuating something, so he downed his third
beer in three gulps and just gave an exaggerated shrug.
“There’s no one else!” he cried. “Jeez, just leave me alone.”
He was already drunk by the time they arrived at the party and within minutes
he was even drunker. When Emma finally found him, he was literally backed into
a corner and the room was spinning dangerously.
“There you are!” she cried, her voice shrill as she yelled over the music
pounding in his ears. “I’ve been looking all over for you!” And then she was
off, talking about Maria and some guy she was hooking up with, talking about
the horrible day she’d had at school and the homework she was going to have to
dedicate her weekend to. Isak couldn’t take anymore. He couldn’t stand there,
head spinning, and listen to her drivel on about her life, so he leaned forward
and he kissed her. He thought it would be a quick kiss and then he could excuse
himself, find Jonas and get him to take him home where he could throw up in
peace, but Emma deepened the kiss immediately, obviously not caring that they
were in a crowded room, surrounded by their classmates.
If anyone was watching them, they might have noticed that Isak’s hands were
locked firmly at his sides, one clenched into a fist and the other holding a
half-finished beer. It seemed to escape Emma’s notice, however, because she
just pulled him closer, weaseling her fingers into his hair and forcing his
mouth open so that she could lick inside. She tasted like stale beer and it
felt like she was slobbering into his mouth. It turned Isak’s stomach.
“Emma, wait,” he said, trying to pull back, but she either didn’t hear him or
didn’t care enough to stop because she reeled him back in, kissing him deeper,
harder, and her right hand snacked down to the front of his pants where Isak
knew she wouldn’t find what she was looking for. He opened his eyes, still
letting her kiss him, but no longer kissing her back, and scanned the room,
hoping Jonas was already on his way over to save him. He couldn’t find Jonas,
but he did find Even.
He was standing all the way across the room, watching Isak with the saddest
eyes he had ever seen. When he noticed Isak looking at him, he didn’t shy away
from the glance, just raised his chin in defiance and cocked an eyebrow.
Immediately, Isak pushed Emma away, perhaps a little too roughly if her “Hey!”
was anything to judge by.
“I’m sorry,” he said, already pushing past her. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
He lost sight of Even as he ran towards the front door, but his words weren’t a
lie. As soon as he made it out onto the grass, he was vomiting into the bushes.
His aim was off, however, and most of it ended up landing on him instead of the
ground. Just fucking great. He was dirty and he was sweating and he felt
horrible, not to mention the fact that unless he could find Jonas, he had no
way of getting home.
“It’s okay,” he heard as his stomach gave another heave. A warm hand began
rubbing soothing circles on his back. “Get it all out.”
It took a few more minutes before his stomach emptied itself completely and
Even stood with him the whole time, wiping his sweat-slick hair out of his eyes
and offering Isak a bottle of water any time he stopped throwing up for longer
than ten seconds.
“Thanks,” he finally said, accepting the drink as he collapsed down onto the
grass. Even made an aborted move to stop him, probably because he sat half in
his own sick, but Isak was too drunk to care.
“Isak,” Even said and it somehow managed to sound both exasperated and fond.
“What are you doing? Are you crying?”
Isak hadn’t thought so, but now that Even mentioned it, he could feel the tears
cooling on his cheeks. “Why do they want me to kiss her? I only want to kiss
you.”
“Oh, baby,” he sighed. He grabbed Isak’s arms and tried to pull him up, but
Isak had no desire to get up and he ended up falling back to the ground
instead.
“Do you remember the first time we got drunk?” he asked, looking up at Even
with wide, hopeful eyes.
“Barely,” Even said with an eye roll, but Isak knew he was making a joke
because he could see the memory reflected in his eyes.
“We stole your mom’s birthday cake flavored vodka,” Isak reminded him. “So much
of it! And then we filled the bottle back up with water because we thought she
wouldn’t be able to tell.”
“Yeah,” Even agreed, trying to heave Isak up once more. This time he let him.
“Then we spent the rest of the night throwing up in my bathroom and promised
never to speak of it again.”
Isak grimaced. “Oops. I forgot.”
“It’s fine,” Even huffed out a laugh. “I think we’re past the statute of
limitations for that one.” Then, “I haven’t been able to drink vodka since.”
“Me either!” Isak cried, his face lighting up at the realization that they had
something in common.
“Okay, let’s get you out of here,” Even grinned. “There’s a cab waiting for us
down by the road. You feel like you can make it another fifteen minutes without
throwing up?” Isak winced doubtfully. “That’s what I thought.”
He dragged Isak to the car and got him situated in the backseat before shutting
the door and saying a few words to the driver. He had already started walking
away when Isak realized he wasn’t staying. “Wait!” he yelled out the window,
tears once again building behind his eyes. “Don’t leave me.”
Even turned around and smiled at him fondly. Isak didn’t think anyone had ever
looked at him like that before, especially not when he was acting as clingy as
he was right then. Especially not when he was drunk and probably smelled like
vomit. “Isak, I’m coming right back,” he said and the tone of his voice made it
very clear that was not the first time he’d told him that.
Isak nodded and watched as Even disappeared back into the house. He counted the
seconds until he returned again. One hundred sixty-three seconds. He beamed
when he saw him walk out the front door, carrying what looked like a large
plastic bowl in his hand.
“Okay,” he said, climbing into the backseat where Isak immediately latched onto
his side like a small child. “We can go now.”
The taxi driver apparently knew where they were headed because he took off
immediately.
“What’s that for?” Isak asked, looking down at the bowl in Even’s hands.
“That,” Even smiled, “is for when you need to throw up again. I’m not paying
extra for you to mess up this nice man’s car.”
“I would never!” Isak cried, appalled at the very thought.
Even reached out and ran his fingers through Isak’s damp curls. “I know you
wouldn’t, baby.”
It was less than five minutes later before Isak started throwing up again. Even
held him through it, alternating between whispering soothing words in his ear
and apologizing to the cab driver. By the time they got back to his apartment,
Isak was crying again.
Even got him out onto the sidewalk and dumped the puke bucket onto the grass
before handing it back to Isak and ducking his head into the taxi to pay their
fare. You could practically hear the “good riddance” as the driver pulled away.
“Okay, come on,” Even said, leading him into the building. “Do you know if
Eskild’s home?” Isak shrugged. “Do you have your keys on you?” Once again, Isak
shrugged. Even sighed. “You’re not making this easy, you know that?” Isak
immediately started crying harder, sobbing around half-formed apologies. “No,
no, no, baby,” Even laughed, pulling Isak closer to his side. “I didn’t mean it
like that. You’re perfect, okay? We just need to get you inside.”
Thankfully, Eskild answered the door when Even knocked. “What the—what
happened?”
“Long story,” Even muttered. “Can I come in?”
“If you’re volunteering to help with him, then yes, please. God, what is that
smell?” Even let out an annoyed grunt and then stepped into the apartment with
Isak by his side.
Isak half-listened as Even and Eskild talked next to him, but as he looked
around the room and caught sight of the beer cans he, Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi
had left earlier, he suddenly remembered something very important. “Even,” he
said, pulling on the sleeve of his jacket like a child might when trying to get
the attention of their parent. Even broke off his conversation with Eskild and
hummed. “I didn’t tell Jonas I was leaving. He’s going to think Emma ate me.”
Eskild snorted, but immediately clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from
making any more noise.
“I talked to Jonas,” Even assured him. “He knows you’re safe. Now, come on. We
need to get you out of those clothes.”
“You need to get him in a shower,” Eskild corrected. “What did you do? Puke all
over yourself?”
Even and Isak both ignored his last question. “Where’s the bathroom?” Even
asked instead and Eskild pointed him in the right direction.
“I’ll grab him some clothes.”
Even let Isak into the bathroom and flipped on the light switch, which
immediately had Isak collapsing to the floor so that he could cradle his head
in his knees to escape the light. “Warn me next time, will ya?”
“Sure, Isak,” Even said sarcastically, but even drunk, Isak could hear the
smile in his voice. “Next time I flip the lights, I’ll warn you first.” Isak’s
head was still buried in his knees, but he listened as Even began bustling
around the small bathroom. “I’m going to run some warm water. See if we can get
you cleaned up. Do you feel any better? Do you think you’re done throwing up?”
Isak shrugged, but the movement didn’t make him nauseous, so he thought that
was probably a good sign. He heard the water turn on from the other side of the
room. “Do you usually get this drunk? Because if you do, I’m officially
worried.”
“Only when I have to kiss girls.”
Even was quiet for so long that Isak finally opened his eyes, blinking against
the harsh florescent light. When he looked up, Even was staring at him
worriedly, his hand placed under the tap to judge the temperature of the water.
“Isak, you never have to kiss anyone you don’t want to, okay?” Isak nodded, but
it must not have seemed very convincing because Even continued. “Promise me.”
“What?” Isak mumbled, closing his eyes once more.
“Promise me,” Even repeated, louder this time. “Promise me you won’t kiss
anyone else you don’t want to kiss.”
Isak hesitated. “But what if it’s you I don’t want to kiss?”
Even’s reply was adamant. “Especially then. Promise?”
Eventually, after thinking it through, Isak nodded. “Promise.”
“Good.”
Isak had started to nod off when Eskild opened the door a minute later, a pile
of clothes in his hand. “I got some stuff for both of you,” he said to Even.
“Let me know if you need anything.” And then he was gone again.
“Okay, Isak,” Even said, pulling his hand out from underneath the stream of
water and closing the drain so that the tub started to fill. “Let’s get you
clean. Can you take your clothes off for me?”
“All of them?” Isak asked immediately. He wasn’t completely opposed to the
idea, but he wanted to make sure.
“You can keep your underwear on,” Even chuckled.
Isak tried to do as he was asked, but he quickly got himself tangled in his
shirt and couldn’t figure out how to work his way out. “Help!” he cried. “I’m
trapped.”
Even laughed from across the room and Isak listened as he made his way over, a
shadow blocking out the overhead light as he kneeled in front of him. “Arms
up,” he commanded. Within seconds, Even had freed him. “Need help with your
pants too?”
Despite everything they’d been through that night, Isak felt himself blush.
“No, I think I can get that.”
Even grinned. “Good.”
It took a little finagling, but Isak finally managed to wriggle out of his
shoes, socks, and pants, leaving him standing in only a faded pair of red plaid
boxers. Even gave him a cursory glance, not really looking, just making sure
that he’d done as asked. “Okay, come here. The water feels good.”
Suddenly, however, the thought of climbing into a bathtub while wearing boxers
seemed ridiculous. Why would he do that when he could just take them off
instead? Surely Even wouldn’t mind. He liked Isak’s dick. He’d said so.
So without Even noticing, Isak kicked off his boxers and then waddled over to
the bathtub and climbed in, paying no attention to Even as he splashed water
all over the floor. When he finally got settled, he looked up to find Even
gaping at him. “What?”
“Wha—?” Even started. “Isak, I told you to keep your underwear on.”
“But why? I don’t mind. You’ve seen it before.”
“Now you don’t,” Even muttered. “But tomorrow…” He heaved an aggrieved sigh,
but let the conversation drop. “Here,” he said, passing Isak a rag he’d coated
in soap. “Wash off.”
Isak tried, he really did, but he was tired and the washcloth was heavy. He
looked up, trying his best to look pitiful, and found Even watching him,
thoroughly unimpressed. “I think you’re going to have to do it instead.”
Even rolled his eyes, but Isak didn’t miss the way his lips pulled up at the
corners. “Fine, give it here.” Isak passed over the rag, expecting Even to
pamper him with soft strokes and massages to his shoulders, but Even was having
none of that. He washed him off thoroughly but clinically, running the rag down
Isak’s body faster than was completely comfortable, but not fast enough to
cause any pain.
“You’re supposed to make it feel good,” Isak pointed out.
“Next time,” Even said, reaching into the water to grab Isak’s foot and running
the rag over that as well. Finally, Even had washed everything down except the
skin Isak’s boxers would have covered if he were still wearing them. Isak
pouted.
“You’re not done,” he pointed out.
“Oh, I’m done,” Even promised, passing the rag back over. “If you want that
clean, you’re going to have to do it yourself.” Isak did, surprised to find
that his dick didn’t seem as interested in the night’s activities as he thought
it would be.
“Wake up, little guy,” he murmured to it, stroking it like he would a kitten.
“Oh my god, Isak,” Even laughed.
“What? He’s sleeping.”
“Yeah, that happens when you drink a gallon of beer,” Even pointed out. “Turn
around for me.” Isak was about to do as asked when he paused.
“Why?” he asked suspiciously.
“So I can wash your hair,” Even answered calmly.
“My hair’s not dirty, though.”
“Your everything is dirty, Isak. Please just turn around.”
Isak, however, was done being accommodating. “No. Why do I have to take a bath,
but you don’t.”
“Because I didn’t throw up all over myself!”
Isak felt nice and warm enveloped in the bath Even had run for him, safe even,
and, more than anything, he wanted Even to feel nice and warm and safe too.
He’d been so kind to Isak, putting up with the tears and the vomit. Even
deserved a bath too. He was too drunk to really think about the consequences of
pulling a full grown man into a small bathtub, especially a bathtub already
filled with another full grown man, so it didn’t even occur to him that it
could be dangerous. He reached out and pulled, taking Even completely by
surprise as he fell into the water, hitting his head hard on the side of the
tub on the way down.
“Ow, fuck,” he cried, immediately cradling his head. Isak’s hand flew to his
mouth, terrified at what he’d just done, and tears were already spilling from
his eyes when Even started laughing. “I guess I should have been expecting
that, huh?” he grinned, looking over at Isak for the first time, his clothes
already soaked through. “Shit, Isak, it’s fine. I’m okay.” But Isak’s quiet
tears had already turned into wracking sobs by that point and there was no
going back. “Shh, baby, come here.”
Even reached out and slid Isak into his arms, sloshing even more water onto
their already soaked floor, and Isak curled into his shoulder, crying into the
soaked fabric of his sweatshirt as Even leaned against the side of the tub.
“I’m s-sorry,” Isak cried, but Even just held him tighter, running his slippery
fingers down the bare skin of his back.
“Isak, I’m fine,” he repeated and then continued to shush him until the tears
subsided and Isak pulled away from his shoulder. “Oh, baby,” Even sighed,
wiping the tears away from Isak’s cheeks with his thumbs and then, when that
didn’t work since his fingers were wet too, kissed them away instead. At the
feel of Even’s lips against his skin, Isak’s crying stopped altogether. “You’re
a wreck tonight.”
Isak let out a choked off laugh because he knew it was true. He looked up into
Even’s eyes and at the sight of his wet hair and eyelashes was immediately
transported once more to that night at the lake. “You’re beautiful,” he said.
“You’re the most beautiful man in the world.”
“Now I know that’s not true,” Even joked.
“You are though!” Isak argued and he was about to say more, but Even
interrupted him.
“I know it’s not true because I’m not even the most beautiful man in this
bathtub.” Under usual circumstances, that probably would have embarrassed Isak,
but as it was, he couldn’t help but smile brightly. “Now will you please turn
around for me, babe. I need to wash your hair.”
Figuring it was the least Isak could do after he’d nearly brained him, he
turned around in the tub so that his back was to Even and then sat there
patiently waiting as he heard Even dropping some of his soaked garments onto
the floor with a wet plop. When he finally felt fingers running through his
hair, Isak turned to try to catch a glimpse of just how naked Even was, but he
was disappointed to find that he had only taken off his shirt and jacket.
“Lean back for me,” Even commanded. Isak did as asked and Even used a plastic
cup on the side of the bathtub to wet his hair before lathering it with
shampoo. And the way that his fingernails felt as they ran through Even’s
hair…It was heavenly. Isak moaned at his touch, loud and long, like he was
getting fucked. “You like that?” Even asked.
“Never fucking stop.” Eventually, however, he did stop, rinsing Isak’s hair
with the same cup he’d used to wet it. “We should do this every night,” Isak
noted. Then, looking down into his lap, “Hey, look. My dick woke up.”
Even snorted and Isak felt him rest his head between his shoulder blades, like
he needed a minute to compose himself after Isak’s words. Isak couldn’t help
but laugh. “God, I hope you remember this in the morning,” Even said when he
finally moved away, placing one chaste kiss on Isak’s back, and then standing.
Isak turned in surprise to see him hovering above him, water dripping off of
his jeans in rivulets. “Come on. Up, up. Let’s get you to bed.”
Even got them both out of the bathtub without any injuries and wrapped Isak in
a nice, warm towel before draining the bath and pulling off his own jeans and
underwear. He passed Isak some pajamas to change into and then dressed himself.
He ended up having to dress Isak too.
Once they were both clothed, he led Isak down the hall to his bedroom. “Turning
on the light,” he warned as they stepped into the room and Isak rolled his eyes
as the light came on.
“You think you’re so fucking funny.”
Even got him into bed without much difficulty and tucked him under the covers.
Isak’s eyes were already starting to close when he realized Even wasn’t lying
next to him. “Wait,” he said, sitting up. “Where are you going?”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Even promised. “I just need to clean the bathroom a
bit so Eskild doesn’t slip and kill himself in the middle of the night.” Isak
nodded sagely. God, his boyfriend was so smart. He lay back down and closed his
eyes.
“Turning off the light,” Even joked and then Isak heard him step out of the
room.
*
He might have been dreaming, but when Even climbed into bed some time later and
curled up behind him, Isak could have sworn he placed a kiss on the top of his
head and whispered, “I love you.”
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
     This chapter includes a dirty dream about having sex in a church, so
     if that's something that weirds you out, skip the section that starts
     with "That night Isak had what was, quite possibly, the dirtiest
     dream he’d ever had in his entire life." No one actually has sex in a
     church and Isak admits that it's a really fucking weird thing to
     dream about, okay?
Isak woke up the next morning to a pounding headache and an arm wrapped tightly
around him. Memories from the night before came back to him slowly and he knew
he should probably be embarrassed, but he just wasn’t. He couldn’t be. Not when
his actions had resulted in Even holding him through the night, staving off any
potential nightmares. It felt so good to be held—to be loved—that it made
whatever embarrassment he might have felt worth it. Just like in the bath the
night before, he felt warm, he felt safe, and it had been so long since he'd
felt either of those things that he also felt a little bit like crying.
He knew Even was awake because he could feel his hand stroking through his
hair, over and over, like maybe he had been doing it all night, and he was glad
he wouldn't have to lie there for hours, pretending to be asleep until Even
decided to sneak out. Obviously he wasn’t planning on leaving any time soon.
He also didn't seem to care that his hard-on was pressing into Isak's ass, but
Isak didn't begrudge him that. He had one of his own, but it wasn't urgent. It
wasn't anything that needed to be dealt with right away.
Slowly, Isak turned in Even's arms so that they were facing each other and he
almost laughed at the tangle of hair on top of Even’s head, but then remembered
that his probably didn't look much better. Even re-adjusted his grip so that
Isak was more comfortable, but he didn't let him go. The hand that had been
stroking his hair moved to his back and continued its steady, rhythmic
movements.
"Morning, sleepy head," Even smiled, his voice thick from disuse.
Isak crinkled his nose and buried his face in the Jesus T-shirt Even had
borrowed from him. "What time is it?" he asked.
“Just after noon now," Even said, leaning back to check the clock. "How’s your
head?"
Isak grimaced, but then remembered something else from the night before and
pulled away from Even, his face now full of concern. "How's your head?"
"My head's fine," Even chuckled. "I'm not the one who drank half the city last
night."
"Not that," Isak rolled his eyes and pulled his hand out from underneath him so
that he could rest it on the back of Even's head where he had hit it on the
bathtub the night before. Even hissed at the touch and Isak recoiled, but not
before he felt the knot under his fingertips. "Oh god, I am so sorry!"
"Isak, seriously, I’m fine," Even said, grabbing his hand and kissing his
knuckles.
"You don't know that!” Isak argued. “What if you have internal bleeding? What
if you're dying right now and you don't even know it?"
Even smiled softly and reached out to run a hand through Isak's curls, which
were even curlier than usual after his bath the night before. "What a way to
go."
Isak allowed himself to melt for only a second before the worry crept in once
more. "You could have a concussion. You could—"
"I'll tell my mom as soon as I get home," Even interrupted fondly and that, at
least, calmed Isak down. Even's mom was a nurse.
"Okay," he agreed. "I guess that'll work."
Even rolled his eyes, but there was no real bite to it as he stared at Isak,
looking up at him like he had never seen him properly before. After a full
minute, during which time Isak blushed up a storm, Even finally moved away and
tried to sit up. Isak, however, quickly pulled him back down.
"I just want to make us lunch!" Even laughed, but he curled around Isak
tighter, like he could sense just how badly he didn’t want to let him go—like
he could feel it too. "I've been awake for hours. I'm starving."
Isak shook his head. "No, stay." Even, of course, did as asked and then the two
of them just lay there, staring at each other in wonder, both surprised that
somehow they had found their way back to each other after all the time they
spent apart. There wasn't anything particularly romantic about what they were
doing, but it felt so familiar to wake up in each other's arms, all sleepy and
loose, rooting closer to the other like a flower growing towards the sunlight.
It occurred to Isak then that while it wasn't particularly romantic, it wasn't
exactly platonic either. This certainly wasn't something he could ever imagine
doing with Jonas. Once again, it was like they were stuck in this nebulous
place between friends and more than friends. That’s how it had always been with
them.
"Can I ask you a question?" Even said after a few minutes and Isak nodded. His
heart, which had been chugging along sluggishly, finally kicked into high gear
at the request because there were so many questions that needed to be asked.
What were they? What were they doing? And shit, there was the whole thing with
Art Vandeley—had Even found out about that? "I don't mean to pry and I know
it's none of my business, but….Are you okay? I just—God, Isak. You scared the
shit out of me last night. First with the drinking, then with the crying. I
haven't seen you that messed up since everything went down with your mom the
first time."
When Isak looked up, the soft glow that had hung around them since they woke
faded. Now he saw everything he'd missed on first inspection: the dark circles
around Even’s eyes, the lines on his forehead. His earlier assumption might not
have been that far off. Even didn't look like he'd slept at all.
He thought about lying, but Even had been so good to him the night before. He
at least owed him an explanation. “I don’t know,” he admitted and Even looked,
if possible, even more sad.
“Isak, what happened to you?” He reached out to run his hand over Isak’s cheek
and Isak leaned into the touch, knowing that the next words out of his mouth
were going to hurt Even, but also knowing that he had to say them.
“You,” he admitted. “You happened.”
Even inhaled sharply and the fingers that had been playing with Isak’s hair
paused for only a second before they began moving again. “You were ready to
come out when we were together before,” Even remembered. It wasn’t a question.
“What changed?”
Isak sighed and rolled away from him so that he was lying down on his back,
staring up at the ceiling. “I was ready to come out because coming out meant I
got to be with you. When you were gone, there was no point to it anymore.”
“No,” Even agreed, rolling onto his back as well. His hand came to rest right
next to Isak’s, their pinky fingers just barely touching. “But there’s a big
difference between being gay but not telling anybody, and being gay but forcing
yourself to kiss girls on the weekends because that’s what you think people
expect of you.”
“That is what people expect of me,” Isak pointed out, thinking back to Mahdi
and Magnus’s heckling the night before.
What he didn’t say was that the very thought of coming out made him feel sick
to his stomach because the last time he’d said those words, his whole world had
been uprooted. On his darkest days, he thought about the Bible verses he’d
heard as a child—the Bible verses his mom still sent him sometimes—and he
became convinced that everything bad in his life was some sort of punishment
for being gay. Like his homosexuality was a curse that had damned both his
mother and Even.
“I just don’t want to watch you drink yourself into a stupor to be able to kiss
some girl you don’t even like,” Even said when they had been quiet for too
long. He paused and turned his head on the pillow to look over at Isak, but
Isak didn’t have the courage to meet his gaze. He did, however, find the
strength to reach out and take Even’s hand in his. “I know how much it sucks to
be forced out of the closet before you’re ready, but I also know how much it
sucks to hide a part of yourself that you’re really proud of because you’re
scared of how it’ll make other people feel. It’s your life, Isak. Live it how
you want to.”
*
It was over an hour later before Isak was willing to relinquish Even’s hand to
let him make them lunch. They ate their sandwiches in bed and, when that was
done, piled back under the covers where they whispered to each other like
children, telling stories from the years they’d missed out on.
At one point, Isak feigned cold so that he could pull the duvet over both of
their heads, blocking out the light from the window until all Isak could see
was the outline of Even’s body and his sparkling blue eyes. For a second it was
like they were back under that blue blanket fort in Even’s room, and the urge
to lean forward and kiss him was so strong that he had to fight it with every
ounce of strength that he had. He didn’t think Even would mind if he did—he was
letting Isak lay on his chest, after all, stroking his back like a lover
would—but he wasn’t quite ready to take that step. Dating Even was no small
thing. It wasn’t like asking a stranger to a dance or hooking up with someone
from Tinder. There was a permanence to it. It wouldn’t be a fling or a simple
high school romance. It would be Isak’s whole world. It would be his forever.
And forever was an awfully long time to think about at eighteen.
They cuddled together under their half-assed blanket fort for hours until
Even’s mom called asking when he was coming home. He extricated Isak’s fingers
from where they were latched onto his sweatshirt, kissed him on the forehead,
and then pulled the covers back, finally forcing both of them back into
reality.
“I’ll see you at school?” Even asked as he slipped his shoes on, reaching out
to squeeze Isak’s hand one last time. Isak blushed under the attention and
nodded.
As soon as Even was gone, Isak hopped out of bed and began tearing his bedroom
apart, searching for something he hadn’t seen in seven years: the picture Even
had drawn for him (of him, Isak corrected himself) on the very first day they
met. He’d thought of it at the Bech Næsheims a few nights prior, but he’d
completely forgotten his vow to find it until he was settled against Even’s
side, staring up at a piece of fabric hovering right above their noses. He
hadto find that picture. He wasn’t sure why it was so important to him, but it
was. It would feel like a sign, somehow, if he could find it now, when they
were on the cusp of starting something again. Like maybe everything they’d been
through had been destined from the start.
He knew it was a long shot, finding it in his apartment, but he searched
nevertheless. He dug through his dresser and the drawers in his bedside tables;
he searched through his closet, even going so far as to dig through the pockets
of each of his old jackets; he opened boxes he hadn’t touched since he moved
in; he rifled through the loose-leaf paper buried at the bottom of his
backpack. He found nothing, just as he knew he would.
It was late when he finally gave up, collapsing back onto his bed that still
smelled like Even. The scent wasn’t enough to soothe him, however, and he
stayed awake all night, tossing and turning, wondering if it was some sort of
sign that this relic from his childhood, something that he associated with Even
and their relationship, was suddenly no where to be found
*
Isak thought about that picture all night and when he finally fell asleep
around four in the morning, he dreamed of it too—only the angel in his dream
had red eyes instead of green, and it looked more like a demon.
By Monday, Isak knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate in class, so he didn’t
even bother going. Instead, he took a tram across town, praying that his mom
wouldn’t be home. To his immense relief, she wasn’t.
He let himself in the front door with his spare key and was pleasantly
surprised to find that the house was in order. There were no clothes lying on
the floor, no dust piled up on the mantle. She must be doing well, he thought.
It was hard to tell sometimes with all of the Bible verses she sent.
He searched the common areas first, the junk closet under the stairs and the
box of keepsakes that his mom kept in her bedroom. When that turned up nothing,
he wandered into his old room instead. He wasn’t expecting the surge of
emotions that shot through him at the sight of it.
The room was simultaneously familiar and not. The layout was the same, but the
things that had made it Isak’s—his posters, his books, all of the knickknacks
on his shelves, the duvet—those were all gone. Still, there was something about
the smell of it—something in the very air—that had him replaying the sound of
his and Even’s laughter in his head. He had so many memories in this room. They
had so many memories in this room. He swallowed down the tears welling in his
throat and began a thorough excavation of his bedroom, determined to find that
drawing.
He looked for an hour and a half, but was eventually forced to concede defeat.
It wasn’t there. A part of him wondered if it had ever been there in the first
place or if he’d just made it up in his head. He considered asking Even, but
thought it might scare him away to know that Isak was placing so much
importance on the doodle of an eleven-year-old.
He carefully re-organized everything that he’d wrecked and then stepped out of
the room, throwing one last longing look over his shoulder before he turned off
the light and abandoned the room completely. He dropped a note on the kitchen
table before he left to let his mom know he’d stopped by to pick up some
clothes. He knew she would get paranoid if she noticed something amiss and
didn’t have an explanation as to why.
It wasn’t until he was on the tram back home that he checked the messages on
his phone and groaned. Fuck, he probably should have told his friends he
wouldn’t be at school. He texted the boys back in the group chat, making up
some lie about how he’d overslept and couldn’t be bothered to show up late, and
then opened the message from Even.
The boys said you’re not at school today. Still want me to come over this
afternoon to study?
Or not study. Up to you ;)
Isak huffed out a laugh as he read the text and even though he wanted to take
Even up on his offer, something stopped him. His head didn’t feel like it was
screwed on straight right now. He needed to sleep. He needed to think.
Rain check? he texted back.
Within seconds, Even had sent him the thumbs up emoji in reply.
When he was finally lying comfortably in his bed back home, he opened Grindr
and found a message from Art Vandeley as well—the first one in days. Isak had
started to hope that maybe Even was getting bored with Adrian, that maybe Isak
was enough for him. How quickly he lost interest.
You okay? I haven’t talked to you in a few days.
I miss your dick
Despite the fact that Isak was in a sour mood, the message cheered him up. It
was probably a bad sign that Even seemed to be the only person who could get
him to smile when he was also the one causing him so much confusion. Why was
Even even bothering with him? Both of them? All Isak ever did was pull him in,
lead him on, and give him nothing in return. It was a question he never would
have had the guts to voice aloud, but hiding behind the mask of Adrian Eksett,
he found the courage to ask.
Why do you talk to me? You have to know by now I’m not actually going to put
out.
Even didn’t reply until school let out. Because I get the feeling you need
someone to talk to.Isak swallowed hard as he read the words over and over
again. And so do I.
*
That night Isak had what was, quite possibly, the dirtiest dream he’d ever had
in his entire life. He was back in the church he and Even had shared as
children—and it was astounding, really, just how well his mind could remember
the place when all he’d tried to do for years was forget it—and, for some
unknown reason, he was laying spread-eagled on top of the communion table, each
of his limbs tied down with a soft strip of cloth. He was also very, very
naked.
It was just him for a long time, alone in the huge sanctuary like he was some
sort of sacrifice. Although he couldn’t touch himself, he watched in
fascination as his cock rose to the occasion anyway, like it knew exactly what
was coming. It wasn’t until he was fully hard and straining against his
bindings that Even showed up.
He smirked down at him like a demon and then, without a word, joined him on the
table and began licking and nipping at his entire body until Dream Isak was
begging for release, praying for it. As if he’d just been waiting for
permission, Even straddled his hips and sank down onto his cock with no
hesitation, riding him hard and fast as “Take Me to Church” played in the
background.
Each time Dream Even sank down on top of him, it punched the breath right out
of Isak’s lungs until he was light-headed and dizzy, but he didn’t fucking
care. He would die like this, a sacrificial lamb at the altar, if he just got
to feel Even for one more minute. If he could spill his seed inside of him,
just once.
His orgasm was lurking just beneath the surface, but he wasn’t ready for it to
be over. “Worship me, baby,” Even said, speaking for the first time, and then,
as the church bells began to chime, Isak came with a full-body shudder.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Isak woke up at the sound of his alarm, covered in come, and ironically feeling
like he really needed to go to church.
*
                                 Art Vandeley
                            Have you ever dreamed about having sex in a church?
You have no fucking idea
*
The dream bothered him all day, and not just in a "Well, that was weird" kind
of way. By lunch, he had convinced himself it was some kind of warning—and if
not a warning, then certainly something God would punish him for. Surely
dreaming about dirty, filthy church sex was cause for smiting.
It was a good dream though. A really fucking good dream. Whenever he thought
about it throughout the day, his cheeks would burn and his groin would get
tight and he knew for a fact that he would not survive an afternoon study
session alone with Even, so he enlisted help. Reluctant help, but help
nevertheless. When Even walked into the library that afternoon, eyes narrowed
suspiciously, Sana was sitting at their usual study table next to Isak.
"Even," Isak started to introduce formally, his voice at least two octaves
higher than usual. "This is—"
"Hi, Sana," Even interrupted with a sigh, dropping his bag onto the floor and
plopping into the seat across from Isak unceremoniously.
"Hi, Even," she replied, and then rounded on Isak. "Is this why you wanted me
to study with you? I told you I had work to do."
Isak looked back and forth between the two of them, sure he must have missed
something. "Do you two know each other? Do you have a class together?"
They answered simultaneously.
"He's friends with my brother."
"I'm friends with her brother."
Isak was left reeling. What? And then he thought back to what Even had told him
about his old school—about the friend that he'd kissed—and Isak racked his
brain for an image of Sana's brother, sure that he must have met him at some
point. Before he could carry himself too far down that rabbit hole, however,
Even rolled his eyes and interrupted his thoughts.
"Not the one I kissed," he said, like he knew exactly what Isak had been
thinking. Damn, he was good.
Sana didn't even blink at that clarification. "Do you actually need my help or
did you just want a chaperone?"
"What? No—I—" Sana raised a judgmental eyebrow and Isak paused, took a breath,
and tried again. "No, Sana, I actually need your help. I keep getting confused
about the different paths for oxygenated and deoxygenated blood, so if you
could explain that, please. To both of us.”
Sana sighed heavily, but did as asked, pulling out a sheet of paper so that she
could draw a diagram of what she was saying. It looked like Even was trying to
keep up with her for the first minute or so, but after a while even Isak had a
hard time following her because she was talking a mile a minute in monotone,
clearly not interested in a word she was saying, just wanting to get it out of
her mouth so that she could leave.
Eventually, Even stopped watching her all together and Isak felt his heavy gaze
come to rest on him instead. He tried to ignore him, but he couldn't resist the
pull for long. When he finally looked over, Even was staring straight at him, a
million questions dancing behind his eyes. And Isak couldn’t handle it. He
wasn’t ready for it. Because he wanted in a way that he had never wanted before
and it scared the shit out of him.
“I’ll be right back,” he mumbled and then he was gone, leaving a startled Sana
and a pissed off Even in his wake.
He ended up in the bathroom, hunched over the sink, trying to remember how to
breathe. It took a few minutes, but once he calmed down, he splashed water on
his face, fully prepared to return to the library, when there was a loud bang
and the bathroom door crashed open.
Even barged into the room, nostrils flaring, and kicked open every single
bathroom stall before he was satisfied that they were alone.
“What the fuck was that?” he cried, throwing his arms into the air as Isak
cowered against the sink. “I thought we were making progress here, but it’s
like we’re taking one step forward and fifty steps back! We spent all fucking
day together Saturday and you seemed fine with it. If that was moving too fast,
then I get it, but don’t push me away. I want to be your friend again, Isak,
but if you seriously don’t think I can restrain myself for one fucking hour.
God, I’m not trying to seduce you! I know I fucked everything up. I’m fine with
just being friends. If you don’t want me—"
Seeing Even all hot and bothered was apparently all it took for Isak's resolve
to weaken. He was tired of pretending he didn’t want this. He was tired of
overthinking things. It was his life and he was going to live it how he wanted.
Without warning, he lunged forward and kissed Even hard on the mouth, hoping he
could hear the yes, yes, I want this, I want you, without him ever speaking.
Even's body was tense when Isak crashed into him, but his muscles relaxed
immediately, his arms sliding around Isak, dragging him closer, kissing him
back.
Isak pulled away after a second, just far enough to look into Even's hooded
eyes and make sure this was what he wanted too. Even gave him a slight nod and
then they were kissing again, only this time it wasn't a reunion kiss, sweet
and loving. It was a kiss fueled by two years of unanswered desire, needy and
desperate, with no finesse to it at all.
Even walked him backwards into the cold metal of one of the stall doors and
Isak almost tripped as his weight pushed it open. "Shit," he said, first
looking down at his feet to make sure he didn’t trip over anything else, and
then up at Even—but Even was paying his blunder no attention. Instead, he
pushed him all the way into the stall and then shut and locked the door behind
them. "Fuck," Isak groaned, leaning back against the wall, because he'd seen
that look in Even's eyes before. He knew what was coming next.
Even's lips found him again, kissing him so hard Isak thought he might bruise.
There was a fierce desperation in the kiss, a need to show Isak just how much
he was loved—and he felt it, he did, just like he always had with Even.
Before he even realized what was happening, Even's hands were dancing across
the front of his pants, undoing his belt and then his zipper without
difficulty, and then pushing them down to his knees. His cock sprang up
immediately and Isak tried to remember when the fuck he'd had time to get that
hard.
"You don't have to," he protested, but he was panting and he knew his argument
sounded half-hearted. Even fell to his knees and then looked up at Isak, one
eyebrow cocked.
"No?" He asked, his breath ghosting over Isak's dick and making it twitch.
"No," Isak choked out. "We should probably, you know, like, talk first."
Even hummed. "What do you want to talk about?" Isak paused, trying to remember,
but ended up giving him an exaggerated shrug because fuck if he knew at this
point. Even laughed. "Do you want to be with me?" he asked, his voice
softening. "For real? Like we should have been all along?"
Isak swallowed hard. "Yes," he breathed, his voice cracking with emotion on the
word. God, yes. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. He knew in that moment he was
giving Even the power to break him; and yet, for some unknown reason, he
trusted him not to.
"Then that's all I need to know."
Isak expected him to dive right in, but Even took his time, working his way up
Isak’s shaft with feather-light kisses before swirling his tongue around the
head. His legs were shaking uncontrollably by the time Even swallowed him down.
“Fuuuck,” he groaned, banging his head back against the bathroom wall. When he
looked down, Even was smirking at him around his cock and Isak quickly looked
away, trying to preserve his own sanity. He knew there was no way he’d be able
to trick Even into thinking he’d actually managed to build up some stamina in
the two years they’d been apart, but maybe he could at least refrain from
embarrassing himself completely.
Even sped up his movements, slurping up and down Isak’s length without any care
that they were in a public place where anyone could hear them. There might be
someone standing just outside the bathroom even now—or fuck, what if someone
was inside the room? Shit, Isak hadn’t been paying any attention. Had he heard
the door open and just missed it? That train of thought was soon derailed as
Even gave a particularly hard suck, gripping him by the back of his thighs to
pull him closer, like he could sense Isak’s attention drifting elsewhere.
“Even,” Isak begged, reaching out to card his fingers through his hair because
he needed to touch him or he was going to go crazy. “Please.” He wasn’t quite
sure what he was begging for, but it seemed that Even did because as soon as
Isak spoke, his right hand, which had been busy fondling Isak’s balls, began to
work it’s way around him tentatively, searching. Isak tried to hold off for his
touch, he really did, but just the mental image of Even fingering him here, in
the school bathroom, had him coming in seconds. Even was able to swallow some
of it down, but Isak had taken him by surprise and most of it ended up painted
across his lips. Isak had never seen him look more beautiful.
“Fuck,” he hissed, sliding his bare ass down the dirty wall so that he could
collapse to the ground, his knees having finally given out. As soon as he was
at Even’s eye level, he lunged towards him once more, kissing his come-stained
lips and marveling at how it didn’t really taste all that bad when it was mixed
with Even. “Here, let me help you,” he said, breaking the kiss so that he could
reach for Even’s pants, but when he finally cupped Even through the fabric, it
became clear that there was not much left for him to do.
Even chuckled against his lips. “I might have gotten a little excited there.
Here, hop up for a second. I need to clean this up before I have to take the
tram home with a come stain on my pants.”
Although Isak had done literally nothing to warrant Even coming in his pants,
he felt irrationally proud of himself. He climbed off of Even’s lap with a smug
smile, pulling his own pants back up as he stood.
“You’ve gotten better at that,” he noted as Even spooled out a wad of toilet
paper to clean himself.
“At blowjobs?” Even laughed, looking over at him from beneath his eyelashes.
Isak nodded. “I don’t know how. The only person I’ve ever given a blowjob to is
you. I thought I was out of practice.”
Isak shrugged. “Well, you’re the only one who’s ever given me a blowjob, so
maybe I just forgot how good it feels.” Even smirked over at him and then
chucked his tissue in the toilet, buttoning his pants back up and opening the
stall door to give them a little more air. Thankfully, the bathroom was still
empty.
“Do you remember what Jonas said about Eva that night we got drunk in the woods
behind his house?” Even, who had bent to wash his hands, looked up at Isak in
the mirror like he was crazy.
“No,” he laughed. “I can’t say that I do.”
“Oh,” Isak muttered, dejected, but then figured he’d just have to say it
himself. “I want you to give me blowjobs for the rest of my life.”
Even stilled his movements and scrunched up his forehead as if he were thinking
surely I didn’t hear that right, but then his face broke out in a wide grin.
“Yeah?” he asked. Isak nodded. “The rest of your life is a long time, though.”
Isak shrugged. “Gives you plenty of time to practice, I guess.” The two of them
laughed together as they both washed their hands and then, when that was done,
they found their way into each other’s arms once more.
“God, I missed you,” Isak whispered into Even’s neck as he pulled him into a
tight hug. Even just held him tighter. They probably stayed like that for a
whole minute, swaying to the rhythm of their heartbeats, before Isak pulled
away, a thought suddenly occurring to him.
“Fuck! I completely forgot about Sana. She is going to kill me!”
“Shame on you, Isak,” Even said, trying to be stern, but unable to keep the
ridiculous smile off of his face. “Abandoning your friends to have sex in the
school bathroom? The audacity!” Isak felt his cheeks darken at Even’s words,
but Even just laughed. “Sana’s gone,” he said and Isak breathed a sigh of
relief. “I sent her home as soon as you ran off.”
“Why though?” Isak asked suspiciously, nuzzling closer to Even until their lips
were only centimeters apart. “Were you planning to come in here and seduce me?”
Even chuckled. “No, if you think back, I specifically came in here to reiterate
that I was not trying to seduce you.”
“You did a really fucking great job of it too.”
“Shut up,” Even grumbled, rolling his eyes as he too started blushing.
“Make me.”
Then, they were kissing again. They kissed for so long that Isak’s dick started
to take notice of what was going on, but he couldn’t bring himself to pull
away. At least not until he heard voices on the other side of the bathroom
door. The boys sprang apart just as it opened and then quickly excused
themselves, laughing as they made their way back to the library to grab their
stuff.
“Want to come back to my place?” Isak asked as they stepped out of the school.
Even readily agreed.
They kept their distance on school grounds, but once they were standing on the
crowded tram, Isak cuddled back into Even’s side, resting his head on Even’s
shoulder as the older boy played with his hair. It went against every instinct
Isak had to show affection like that in public, but it was freeing in a way to
look around and see that no one cared. It was a baby step, but it was a step
nevertheless.
*
They spent the night making out lazily in Isak’s bed, the faded duvet from
their childhood wrapped tightly around both of them. They never took it
farther, even when the prominence of both of their boners became a nuisance,
and instead explored with lips and fingers the plains of a body they hadn’t
been able to touch in so long. Isak was surprised at how much he remembered.
Like how kissing Even behind the ear caused his hips to jerk forward
uncontrollably, or how touching him behind the knee was the fastest way to kill
his boner because he was so ticklish and he didn’t find it sexy at all.
So they explored, planting flags in the form of dark purple bruises to stake
their claim. “You’re mine,” Even whispered at one point and Isak nodded
desperately. “You’re mine for as long as you’ll have me.”
“Forever,” Isak corrected. “You’re mine forever.”
It was hours later before they came up for air, but still they lay tangled
together. Isak couldn’t stand the thought of separating for even a minute.
“Do you remember that picture you drew me?” Isak asked, looking down fondly at
where Even was splayed across his chest. “On the day we met?” He felt Even
smile against him.
“Of course I do. Church was the last place I wanted to be that day, but I
remember looking up, seeing you, and thinking I was in heaven.”
“Oh my god,” Isak snorted.
“I’m serious!” Even laughed. “You looked like a fucking angel. All you were
missing was the halo, so I drew you one. Why? Do you still have it?”
Isak sighed deeply. “I thought I did,” he admitted. “But I seem to have
misplaced it.”
Even shook his head, but he was clearly amused. “Isak, I’m not going to be
offended if you tell me you burned everything I ever gave you. You should have.
I deserved it.”
“Maybe I should have,” Isak agreed, “but I didn’t. I’ve been thinking about
that picture a lot, so I went to my mom’s yesterday to see if I could find it.
I found everything else.” He moved Even off of him so that he could reach under
the bed and grab the shoebox that he had stuffed there the night before. Once
he was sitting up again, Even stole back his spot in Isak’s lap. Isak pulled
open the box and began taking things out one by one: church programs covered in
doodles, Pokémon-themed Valentine cards, movie tickets, a rainbow bouncy ball
Even had bought him from one of those cheap vending machines.
“Holy shit, Isak,” Even said, his voice full of awe. He sat up so that he could
get a better look at everything.
“I found everything except that damn picture,” Isak said, gesturing to the
items scattered on the bed in front of them. “And it’s pissing me off.”
Even picked up a stuffed Dalmatian that he’d won Isak at the ring toss during
one of the church’s fall festivals and brought it to his nose, like he thought
the fabric might still hold the smell of buttery popcorn and hay bales. “I’ll
draw you another one,” he said, clutching the puppy close to his chest. “I
can’t believe you still have all of this.”
“I never gave up on you,” Isak shrugged. “I figured we’d get here eventually.”
Even stared at the stuff strewn across the bed for a little while longer, but
as more time passed, his smile began to fade and with it, so did Isak’s
unrestrained happiness. “Even?” he prompted, his heart already racing. Even’s
gaze flitted to him immediately, as if he were surprised to hear his voice.
“What is it?”
Even sighed. “I have something to tell you,” he admitted sheepishly. “But I’m
scared you’re not going to like it.”
Isak sat up straight, every muscle in his body tensed. Please don’t break my
heart, he pleaded to no one. Not again.
“I just…” Even started, looking over at Isak, but he trailed off when he caught
sight of his worried green eyes and turned away. “It was stupid—I know it was
stupid—but I wanted to get to know you again and I thought you might be more
willing to talk to a stranger than, well, me, so…” Isak furrowed his brows in
confusion. “Isak, I am Art Vandeley.”
Isak was so relieved he actually felt dizzy with it. “Oh my god, is that all?”
he said, choking out a half-maniacal laugh. “You fucking scared me. I already
fucking knew that!” He was so preoccupied with making sure Even knew he wasn’t
mad that it took him a second to realize what exactly Even’s confession meant.
Yes, Isak had known all along that he was talking to Even, but he hadn’t known
that Even knew he was talking to Isak. “Oh my god!” he groaned, his face
flushing in delayed embarrassment. “The public bathroom kink! You knew!”
Even smiled, but quickly tried to hide it. “I would like to reiterate, once
again, that I am not the one who started that. I think you might be on to
something though. I mean, we’ll have to try it again just to be sure, but—”
“—and I told you about my fucking sex dream. Holy shit! Okay, now I’m mad at
you!” He tried to sound intimidating but he knew his face was still bright red
and he couldn’t stop laughing. Even pulled him into his body and Isak buried
his flushed face into his shoulder, determined to hide there forever. “I’m so
embarrassed, shit. How did you know it was me? Did you, like, recognize my dick
or something?”
Even laughed. “I mean, your dick is definitely memorable, but it was your duvet
that tipped me off, actually.” He ran his fingers over the threadbare fabric
lovingly and then pulled out his phone, flipping through his photo album until
he got to the first dick pic Isak had sent him. And, sure enough, there was the
duvet, pushed to the side, but not out of the frame entirely. He hadn’t known
when he took that first picture that he was taking it for Even. He’d been more
careful after that.
Isak shook his head in disbelief. “Way to live up to every single gay
stereotype out there, Even. You recognized my bedding, but you didn’t recognize
me?”
“Well,” he said, blushing once more as he pocketed his phone. “I was kinda
looking for it.”
“You were looking for my duvet?”
“No,” he said, rolling his eyes. “I was looking for you. Don’t be mad, but when
I left here that first day, Eskild stopped me and said something like ‘I wish I
could meet cuties like you on Grindr. Isak’s so lucky.’ So I assumed that,
maybe, you were on there. I made a profile. Figured it wouldn’t hurt to give it
a try.”
Just when Isak thought the embarrassment couldn’t get any worse… “I’m going to
fucking kill him.”
“Don’t do that,” Even pouted, pulling Isak back against his chest and kissing
his forehead.
“No, I’m going to kill him,” Isak decided. “Dead.”
Even’s lips moved from his forehead to his cheek to his neck, sending a steady
hum of desire throughout Isak’s body. “Maybe I can talk you out of it,” Even
offered, latching onto his neck and sucking what was sure to be a massive
bruise into the sensitive skin there. Isak moaned in pleasure.
“I don’t know,” Isak joked. “I’m pretty stubborn. What exactly did you have in
mind?”
Even smiled against his neck. “Whatever you want, baby. Whatever you want.”
*
Even left just after midnight with a raging hard-on. For some reason, neither
of them wanted to cross the line from heavy petting to other things, at least
not that night. They needed some time to get used to everything again. To get
used to each other again. Still, Isak didn’t waste an opportunity to jerk off
and, when he was done, he sent Even a picture of his come-stained abs, making
sure the stuffed Dalmatian he had been playing with earlier was sitting right
by his side.
He slept better that night than he had in years and when he woke up the next
morning, there was a text waiting for him. He opened it, expecting a good
morning dick pic, but what he got instead was so much better.
It was a picture of a drawing (and from the look of the early morning light
streaming through Even’s windows, it seemed that he had stayed up all night
completing it). Isak was in the very center of the picture, his golden curls
topped with a glowing halo. That part, at least, was identical to the picture
Even had given him seven years before, only there was more detail now. There
were so many shades of green in Isak’s eyes that he would recognize them
anywhere. Everything was so realistic, so breathtakingly beautiful, that he
felt his throat close up. Is this how he sees me?
Even was in the picture as well, sitting directly behind Isak, his legs splayed
out on either side of him so that he could cradle the boy between them. His
chin was resting on Isak’s shoulder and he was looking over at him, his eyes
full of love. Despite the halo, the Isak in this new picture wasn’t dressed as
an angel. Instead, Picture Isak and Even were both naked, but all you could see
of either of them was the bare skin of their collarbones and legs. Everything
else was wrapped in the comfort of the blue striped duvet Isak was laying under
now.
The picture was beautiful—so beautiful—but that was not what finally brought a
tear to Isak’s eye. Around the edges of the drawing was what looked like a
light blue curtain. Isak recognized it immediately: it was their blanket fort.
And down in the bottom right hand corner of the drawing, where a signature
would usually go, Even had scrawled, I wish we could have stayed like this
forever.
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The next couple of weeks were absolute bliss. Every spare minute Isak had, he
spent with Even. It was just like when they were kids except this time, they
were sneaking out of class instead of church, and they were making out in
bathrooms instead of storage closets. If the bathrooms were occupied, they
would move to an empty classroom, or the locker room, or the library—anywhere
they could find, really—and when school was over, they would head back to
Even’s house or Isak’s apartment and make out some more there. They couldn't
keep their hands off of each other.
Sadly, however, most of the time they had to because Isak still wasn't out. He
tried to tell Jonas a million times (Jonas, who he was 99% sure already knew),
but every time he tried, he chickened out. It wasn't that he was ashamed—in
fact, he was so damn happy that he wanted everyone to know—but he was scared.
Every time he opened his mouth with "I'm gay" sitting on the tip of his tongue,
he flashed back to that night he'd spent with Even under the stars and how
everything had gone to hell right then. He just wanted to enjoy Even for a
while, without the curious looks and the whispers. Even either didn't mind the
secrecy or he was doing a good job of hiding his frustration, but Isak thought
it might be the former because he was certainly taking advantage of it whenever
he could.
The day after they got together, Even moved from his spot across from Isak at
the lunch table to the seat next to him under the guise of asking a question
about biology. When that attracted no unwanted attention, he did the same the
next day and the day after that until it was perfectly normal to see them
huddled together, ignoring everyone else, and whispering only to each other.
So, of course, that's when Even decided to test their luck. The five boys were
sitting in the cafeteria, listening to Jonas drone on about how pissed he was
that Eva kept blowing him off to go to parties with the girls, and Isak was
about to nod off from boredom when suddenly Even's hand crossed the space
between them and came to rest on the inside of his thigh, so close to his cock
that when it immediately took an interest in this new development, it plumped
up against Even's hand.
Isak looked in both directions, making sure no one was watching them, and Even,
who had been staring forward, trying to pretend that nothing was off, turned to
glare at him. Seriously? his face seemed to say. That's how you want to act
inconspicuous? So Isak turned back around and tried to listen to Jonas once
more.
"And she's going to another fucking party this weekend," he was saying, "that
I'm not invited to! It's not that I don't trust her—I do—it's just—"
"No, no, I get it," Magnus said, nodding along. "I think Vilde's going to that
party too."
Even's hand slowly began to creep up Isak's thigh to his groin, cupping him
through his pants. Isak knew he should be embarrassed—and he was a little bit,
he knew his face was flushing—but he didn't push him away. Instead, his thighs
opened, almost of their own accord, to give Even easier access. He seemed to
take that as permission to stroke Isak through his pants, soft and slow, with
just enough pressure to get him aroused, but not enough to get him off. Isak
didn't even think about how this was going to end in one of two ways: with him
having an orgasm in front of all his friends; or with him walking out of the
cafeteria with a very noticeable boner. It didn't matter. As long as Even kept
touching him.
When he got brave enough to chance another glance over at Even, he found that
he was smirking.
"Stop whining," Mahdi was saying when Isak started trying to pay attention
again, but it was getting harder to keep his focus. Everything was getting
harder. "Let your girls do what they want. That pretty second year friend of
Emma's is having another party Saturday. We should go."
Jonas groaned. "Because that ended so well last time. Isak threw up all night
and Even had to leave early to deal with him."
"I didn't mind," Even said immediately, giving Isak's cock a squeeze beneath
the table. Isak gave a tiny jerk of surprise, but no one except Even paid him
any attention.
"Well, fuck Isak!" Magnus cried, but he gave him a fond smile regardless. "I'm
sick of dealing with his Emma drama. We’ve tried to help him, but he’s being a
baby about it. What about you, Even? You looking for a girl? Because I can
totally hook you up."
"With who?" Jonas argued, throwing his hands in the air.
"I don't know, but it can't be that hard," Magnus replied. "I mean, look at
him."
Even preened under Magnus's praise. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm good," he
said, stroking Isak's cock a little harder, a little more possessive.
"No, come on!" Magnus argued. "What's your type?"
"I have a feeling he's into snarky blondes," Jonas smirked, ignoring Isak’s
pointed glare.
"Oh yeah!" Mahdi cried. "Dude, I saw a picture of your ex. She's so hot! Can
you hook me up?"
Even chuckled. "Sure, Mahdi, I'll hook you up."
Magnus and Mahdi continued talking for several minutes about which girls they
wanted to hook Even up with and with every second that passed, Isak got more
and more jealous. It didn't matter that Even was sitting right next to him,
whispering "don't listen to them" into his ear. It didn't matter that he had
his hand on Isak's cock under the table. He was still jealous.
"Maybe Even doesn't want to hook up with anyone, hm?" He said when he'd finally
had enough, swatting Even's hand away from where it was working on his zipper
because that was something he just couldn't handle right now. Mahdi and Magnus
looked over at him in surprise and Jonas stifled a laugh into his hand.
"I really don't," Even agreed, beaming.
"Ugh, fine," Magnus groaned. "You two are no fun. But we're still going to that
party."
The cafeteria began to empty a few minutes later, but Even and Isak stayed
where they were.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Isak asked when their friends were
finally gone, gesturing down to his cock. Even had stopped stroking him, but
his hand was still resting on top of Isak's crouch and Isak was still rock
hard.
Even shrugged, finally removing his hand and standing from the table. "There's
a bathroom right around the corner. Send me a pic when you're done."
Isak rolled his eyes, but he did end up waddling into the closest bathroom. And
he did send Even a picture when he was done.
*
"I just—don't—want to go," Isak argued between kisses. Even had him pressed up
against the stacks at the back of the library and he was kissing him with
fervor. Isak's mind, however, was elsewhere, so Even finally abandoned his
failed conquest of his mouth and moved to kiss his neck instead. "I don't want
to go to some stupid party where some stupid girl is going to flirt with me all
night. I just want to spend time with you."
Even pulled off of his neck with a pop. Fuck, that was going to leave a mark.
"I'm going to the party though," he pointed out.
"But you don't have to! Please? I'll give you a blowjob if you just stay home
with me."
Even looked at him doubtfully. "You give me blowjobs anyway. And if your plan
is to withhold blowjobs, that's punishing you just as much as it's punishing
me. I know you love it." Isak literally stomped his foot in frustration and
Even laughed.
"I'll fuck you then," he offered because he'd wanted to for a while, but Even
hadn't mentioned the possibility of penetrative sex since they'd gotten back
together. It seemed as good a time as any to bring it up.
Even raised an eyebrow. "You really want our first time to even tangentially
have something to do with Emma? Babe, come on," he said, placing a gentle kiss
behind Isak's ear and brushing a stray blonde curl out of his eyes. "It's just
a party. We'll go, we'll have fun, and then we'll go home and fuck because we
want to. They can't force us to do anything we don't want to do. I know it
feels like that sometimes—that you're letting them down by not hooking up with
Emma—but I'll be there. We'll stay an hour and then if you want to leave, we
will." When Isak just huffed out a frustrated breath, Even rubbed their noses
together and kissed his lips gently. "Okay?"
And when Even was staring down at him like that, his eyes shining with
happiness, Isak couldn't say no. "Okay," he agreed, "but you owe me." Orgasms,
preferably.
*
It was a few days later and Isak and Even were "studying" at Even's place after
school. His parents weren't home—wouldn't be for hours, which Isak only knew
because Even had told him so in a sing-song voice before he'd pulled him in for
a long, slow kiss that had Isak's toes curling in his sneakers.
They’d soon found their way to Even's bed where they'd been ever since, Isak
straddling Even's waist, grinding against him as they kissed. It was leading
good places, Isak could tell, but before they could get there, Even tapped him
twice on the side of his knee, silently asking him to move.
"I've got to go to the bathroom," he said, climbing off of the bed as Isak
collapsed into his now vacant spot.
"Or you could stay here and I could take care of that for you," Isak pointed
out, gesturing to the front of Even's pants. Even smirked.
"Thanks for the offer, but I actually do have to go to the bathroom." He
disappeared out the door, leaving Isak alone. When he still hadn't come back
after a couple minutes, Isak got up and started wandering around the room,
trailing his finger along Even's bookshelf and checking to make sure there were
no new doodles on his closet door. When he made his way to Even's desk, he
flipped open his biology textbook just to have something to do and came to a
surprised halt at what he found tucked inside the pages. That's how Even found
him.
"What is this?" Isak asked as soon as he heard Even behind him. He turned,
brandishing Even's biology quiz from Friday with only one question marked
correct. He'd known they were slacking on the whole studying part of their
arrangement, but he'd thought Even only needed his help to get caught up.
"It's no big deal," Even said, rolling his eyes and collapsing back onto his
bed. "I've just gotten a little behind."
"Because of me?" Isak cried. "What else are you failing?"
"I'm not failing anything!” he laughed. “I failed one quiz. One. And I'll do
better this week." He sat up and tried to reel Isak in by the arm, but Isak was
having none of it.
"No, no, no, no, no," he said, slipping out of Even's grasp. "We're studying.
For real this time." He tossed Even his textbook and Even caught it with a
heavy thud, frowning.
"Are you serious right now?" he asked. "Isak, I'll study when you leave. I'm
not going to be able to concentrate on biology with you sitting right there.
Anatomy, maybe, but..."
"Even," Isak scolded. "Obviously you won't study when I leave since you haven't
all week. If you don't want to fucking study, fine, but I'm studying." Without
further ado, he pulled his own textbook out of his bag and settled into Even's
desk to read through the lesson they'd gone over that day. Even didn't move,
just sat there, watching him, clearly unimpressed. Isak clenched his jaw and
resumed his reading.
After almost five minutes, when neither of them had acquiesced to the other’s
demands, Isak was ready to employ different tactics. He thought about reading
the text aloud and forcing Even to study that way, but then another idea came
to his mind and he couldn't shake it no matter how hard he tried. He wondered
if Even had noticed him blushing and thought anything of it.
"Let's play a game," Isak announced, turning away from his book to look Even in
the eye. Even's eyebrows furrowed as he considered the offer.
"What kind of game?" he hedged. "Like Jeopardy?"
"No," Isak drawled. "Like Strip Studying."
Even choked out a surprised laugh. "Strip Studying?"
"Yes, Strip Studying," Isak repeated, pleased to find that he sounded much more
confident than he actually felt. "I'll ask you practice questions and for every
question you get right, I'll take off an article of clothing. For every
question you get wrong, you take off an article of clothing. First one naked
loses."
Even licked his lips like he was salivating at the very thought. Well, that's
one way to get people interested in education. "What do I get when I win?"
Isak rolled his eyes. "You mean besides me standing naked in front of you?"
Even nodded, his eyes hooded as he looked over at Isak, and it sent a shiver
down his spine. "One sex act of the winner's choosing," Isak decided on a whim.
He thought it was a safe bet considering that judging by the way Even was
looking at him now, the night was going to end the same way no matter who won.
"What are we waiting for then?" Even grinned, crossing his arms behind his head
and laying back on his pillows without a care in the world. "Let's get
started."
Isak started with an easy one. "What is the scientific name for a red blood
cell?"
"Erythrocyte. Next." Isak grumbled out a reply and was just about to ask
another question when Even stopped him. "Uh uh. No cheating. Strip."
For the first time, Isak looked down at what he was wearing. If they'd only
started playing sooner, he would be fine, but as it was, he'd already lost his
shoes, socks, and jacket to his earlier make out session with Even, leaving him
in just a plain white T-shirt, a plaid over-shirt, jeans, and boxers. There was
no room for error. He couldn't keep tossing Even easy questions if he wanted to
win this. He shrugged out of his plaid, feigning indifference.
"Okay, smart guy. How many bones are in an adult human’s body?"
Even pulled himself out of his relaxed pose as he sat up, thinking hard. Isak
smirked. He'd stumped him this time. "Like 204? 205?” Even guessed, but he was
wrong.
"206," Isak corrected. "Now strip." Even pulled his sweatshirt over his head
and Isak tried not to get distracted by the trail of blonde hair leading into
his pants that was exposed as Even raised his arms.
It continued on in that vein for some time, the two of them fielding questions
back and forth, but it soon became obvious that, when properly motivated, Even
actually could recall more than Isak would have given him credit for. He pulled
so far ahead in the game that it wasn't even a question of who would win, but
Even still kept it going, missing questions on purpose so that he could take
his own clothes off too. He was teasing Isak, one garment at a time, and Isak
loved it.
After nearly twenty minutes of drooling at Even across the room, Isak was left
in only his boxer shorts, his cock straining against the thin fabric in
anticipation of what was coming next. This had been a horrible endeavor for
many reasons, not the least of which was that Isak wanted to lose by that
point. He'd be pissed if he won. He wanted Even to have full control over him,
to see his naked body and use it however he saw fit—and he was pretty sure Even
knew that, too, because he was back to lounging on the bed, still wearing his
jeans and boxers, and he had been deliberating the answer to Isak's last
question for so long that Isak had no doubt he knew the right answer.
"I'm just not sure," Even mused playfully. Liar. "Tendons, maybe." Correct.
"But it might also be ligaments.” Incorrect. "I just can't decide." Fucking
liar. Even smirked, watching his face carefully, but Isak just cocked an
eyebrow, determined not to give anything away. "It's tendons,” Even smirked,
knowing he was right.
"Ding ding ding," Isak said, but there was no amusement in his voice. "We have
a winner."
"You don't look happy," Even noted with a smile. "I thought you'd be proud of
me—your little biology protégé."
Isak rolled his eyes. "I wouldn't go that far."
"Well I would," Even said excitedly. "Now strip."
Isak usually wasn't shy about his body, especially not in front of Even, but
every time he'd stripped in front of him before, it had been in the middle of
sex when his blood was pounding and Even was just as naked as he was. This was
something different. This was a show, a spectacle. This was something for Isak
to do and Even to watch. He felt his cheeks flush as he twined his fingers
through the elastic band of his boxers. But a deal was a deal.
He thought about doing it fast and getting it over with, but he knew that if he
had won, he would want Even to go slow. He would want to be able to enjoy every
single inch of skin that he bared for him. So he shimmied out of his boxers
ever so slowly, even going so far as to turn around when he pulled the fabric
down over his ass, like he’d seen boys do in porn. He was pretty sure he missed
sexy by a long shot, but he was hoping he at least ended up somewhere near
endearing.
When he finally turned around, face flaming and cock erect, Even was gaping at
him with an open mouth, dragging his eyes shamelessly down his body. The look
was so heated that Isak felt it like a touch to his skin. He had to refrain
from covering himself with his hands.
After what felt like at least three minutes of Even just staring, he stood and
walked across the room until he was right in front of Isak.
"So,” Isak said, trying to channel what little confidence he still had. He
reached out and pulled Even to him, tangling his fingers in Even’s belt loops,
dying to pull his pants off of him. “You won. What do you want as your prize?"
"You," he said immediately, like he wasn’t ashamed to admit it. “I want you to
fuck me.”
"Oh, thank fuck," Isak sighed, crashing their lips together, but pulling back
after only a second just to tease. “I thought you were never going to ask.”
Even chuckled and slid his hands down the hard lines of Isak’s back to his ass,
where he grabbed each cheek and squeezed, causing Isak to moan and sink even
further into him. “I thought you were never going to ask,” Even countered.
“I’ve been waiting for weeks. I didn’t want to bring it up too soon and scare
you off!”
“You could never scare me off,” Isak corrected, although it was a little scary
just how true that statement was. Just don’t push me away, he wanted to add.
And I’ll be here, loving you, forever.
They kissed again and got lost in it for several minutes, the wet sounds
echoing off of the walls in the otherwise empty house. It was like everything
was magnified, the volume turned up so high it enveloped them completely. God,
he wanted this—no, he neededthis. He needed to be one with Even again. To know
that all the hell they’d gone through hadn’t irreparably damaged anything, that
they were still the same boys they had always been and that they still loved
each other the same way they had back then.
He backed Even towards the bed and then pushed him down when they were close
enough, breaking the kiss. Even hit the mattress with a dull thump. Isak placed
a soft kiss on the tops of both of his feet and then began licking up his legs
until he finally reached his boxers and began teasing Even with his tongue
through the thin fabric, sucking and licking at the outline of his cock.
“Shit, Isak,” Even murmured, his eyes shut tightly. He spread his legs open
farther, inviting Isak in, and he didn’t miss the way Even was shaking, just
slightly, like he was already teetering on the edge of the brink.
Isak sucked harder, savoring the salty sweetness of Even’s pre-come soaking
through his boxers, but soon that was not enough for either of them. Isak flung
the boxers off and tossed them across the room.
“You’re sure we have enough time for this?” he asked. Even nodded, but he
looked so blissed out that Isak didn’t trust a word he said. He was just lying
there so loose and open, so trusting. A surge of emotion shot through Isak’s
chest as he stared down at him—as he stared down at the man he could now call
his. “God, I love you,” he said, and he didn’t care that they had only
officially been together for two weeks because, in reality, they had been
together for years. Isak had given him his heart in exchange for a crayon
drawing of an angel when he was eleven years old. He’d never asked for it back
and despite all that they had been through, Even had kept it. He’d kept Isak’s
heart safe inside of his, through the good times and the bad, and now it was
finally his to keep forever.
Even smiled so wide it looked like it might hurt and reached out to cup Isak’s
cheek in his hand. “Fuck, Isak, I love you too.”
He kissed him again, slower this time, savoring the taste, and they grinded
together on the bed in a tangle of limbs, never quite able to get close enough,
to touch enough skin, no matter where their hands roamed. Even’s cock was hard
against his stomach when Isak finally found the strength to pull away and focus
his attention somewhere other than Even’s lips.
He used a combination of his long fingers and his mouth to stretch Even open,
taking his time to make sure he was comfortable, just as Even had done for him
years ago. Even when he begged, even when he pleaded, Isak didn’t speed up. He
didn’t rush the process. He wanted everything to be absolutely perfect. And,
despite his protests that Isak was just trying to torture him, Isak knew he
secretly loved it because he was rocking back onto his fingers and his tongue,
his body begging for more, and his cock hadn’t flagged in the slightest. Isak
knew he had a thing for rimming, so he tried to make it good.
After what felt like hours later, when Isak was finally satisfied that Even was
prepped and ready, he climbed back up Even’s body and placed a sloppy kiss on
his mouth to let him taste himself on Isak’s swollen lips. “You ready for me,
baby?” he whispered into Even’s ear and watched as the boy shivered beneath
him. Even nodded. “Where are your condoms?”
Even’s nod quickly turned into a headshake and he thrust his hips up, silently
asking Isak to stop stalling. “No condoms,” he argued, but as soon as he’d
spoken, he froze his wanton movements and looked up at Isak guiltily. “Shit,
sorry, that was—Condoms are in the drawer. Just let me—” He tried to move out
from under Isak’s arms, but Isak just grabbed his wrists to hold him in place.
“Are you clean?” he asked.
Even swallowed hard, but nodded. “Yeah, I am. I got tested weeks ago, but you
shouldn’t trust me on that. I know you’ve never been with anyone else. We
should just use—”
“I do, though,” Isak interrupted. “I trust you with my life.”
He released Even’s wrists and leaned down to kiss him until some of the nerves
that had built in his body dissipated. He waited until Even was relaxed
underneath him, until his hands were once again exploring Isak’s body, and then
he lined himself up at Even’s entrance, nothing between them but skin, and
carefully pushed inside.
The feeling of being inside Even was, in a word, overwhelming. It was so
overwhelming that he had to still his movements and bury his face in Even’s
neck to regain some semblance of control over himself. It wasn’t just that it
felt good. There was also this undeniable feeling of fullness that came over
him. Like being inside of Even had stitched up all of the open wounds on his
heart and he was whole again, at least for this one minute. Even held him, his
own breath coming in quick pants, and Isak knew that he understood. That he was
feeling it too. That, just like on the day when they had first met, what they
were feeling now was too big to be contained within one body, so they were
sharing it.
“It’s okay,” Even whispered into his ear, so close that the words felt like
they were a part of him. “You can move.” So Isak did.
His first few strokes were steady and deliberate, but after that he lost
control of himself completely because shit, this felt really fucking good. He
pulled Even’s hands off of his body and placed them on the mattress instead so
that he could lace their fingers together to try to keep himself grounded. His
body was trembling, aching for release in less than a minute, but he wasn’t
ashamed.
He remembered having a conversation with Art Vandeley weeks ago about how Even
had never bottomed and Isak had never topped. Even though their real first time
had taken place in another lifetime, on a blanket beneath the stars, there was
some satisfaction in knowing that this was a first too, of sorts.
“Isak,” Even begged, and Isak knew that he was close too. Despite the fact that
his coordination was severely lacking, Isak removed his right hand from Even’s
and reached between them to grab Even’s cock, kissing his lips and his cheeks
and his eyelids—any part of him that he could reach—trying to show him how
loved he was, how precious. With one particularly hard thrust, Even was coming
between them, coating Isak’s hand in warm liquid.
Isak’s hips staggered, but Even just reeled him in closer, until there was no
space left between them. “Don’t hold it in,” he said, breathless, so close that
his lips touched Isak’s skin as he spoke. “I want to see you come. I want to
hear you.”
Isak fell apart in his arms, not even bothering to stifle the frankly
embarrassing sound he made, and as his orgasm exploded out of him, it was like
something else did as well because tears filled his eyes. They weren’t bad
tears, though. They were tears that spoke of a love so strong his body
physically couldn’t hold it anymore.
“Even,” he cried, pulling out of him gently so that he could curl into his
side, never wanting to let go.
“Isak,” Even agreed, his voice full of awe. “Baby, I love you so much.”
The thought of separating after that sent Isak into a panic, but Even never
asked him to leave, didn’t even ask him to move off of him. After a few hours,
they heard Even’s parents return to the house, but still the boys didn’t
move—not even when Even’s mom ducked her head into the room to say goodnight.
She didn’t act surprised to see Isak and he vaguely wondered if Even had told
her he was there.
So, unlike their actual first time, Isak fell asleep in Even’s arms without a
worry in the world. And, when he woke up, Even was still there, holding him
tight, kissing his lips, and telling him he loved him.
*
The party was just as unbearable as Isak had imagined it would be, probably
because he was being forced to sit on a couch right in the thick of things. He
had requested that they go outside where it was quieter at least five times,
but Magnus and Mahdi were still determined to set Even up with someone and
apparently the living room had the best vantage point for ogling eligible
females.
"Liv?" Magnus asked Mahdi (they'd given up asking for Even's input half an hour
before), pointing to a pretty brunette standing across the room with a beer in
hand.
"He likes blondes though," Mahdi pointed out. "Right, Even?"
Even hummed his assent. "With curls, preferably," he added, moving the arm he
had resting over Isak's shoulders to his hair and giving it a nice fluff. Isak
swatted him away in frustration. Magnus and Mahdi didn't notice, but Jonas
smirked.
"Guys,” Jonas tried for the third time, “If he wanted to hook up with someone,
he'd go find them himself. Stop harassing the poor guy."
"Plus, I'm just not in the mood for a girl tonight," Even added. "Know any nice
boys?"
Isak froze beneath his touch. Had he just—? Did Even just come out to their
friends? Just like that? No stress, no premeditation? He looked between Jonas,
Magnus, and Mahdi in shock, already prepared to grab Even's knee and offer him
some comfort when things went to hell—because when you came out, things went to
hell. That's what Isak had learned. But he didn't have to. Magnus looked
adorably shocked for all of five seconds, but Mahdi and Jonas didn't even
blink.
"Well this changes things," Mahdi said seriously. Isak's stomach dropped and he
already had his mouth open to argue when he turned back to Magnus. "Maybe
Erik?"
"Erik?" Magnus cried, like he was offended by the very thought. "Erik!? He can
do better that Erik!"
"Alexander then. I don't know!"
"I'm pretty sure Alexander is straight," Jonas offered, probably because they
had walked past him earlier, eagerly making out with his girlfriend in a
secluded corner.
"I don't think it matters," Magnus said, racking his gaze across Even, who just
laughed. "I'm straight and I'd bang him. I mean, Isak, would you sleep with
Even if he offered?"
Isak blinked a few times, trying to make sure he'd heard Magnus correctly, and
then he looked up at Even who was smirking down at him, his arm still slung
across Isak's shoulder.
"I'm not sure Even could handle me," he joked, raising his eyebrows in
challenge. Behind him, he heard Jonas choke on his beer as the other two boys
let out howls of laughter. Even just smiled.
"I'm not sure I could either," he admitted, playfully pulling Isak into a hug.
He probably meant it to be a quick thing, something they could pass off as
friendly, but once he was cradled to Even's chest, Isak found that he didn't
actually want to move. So he stayed there, with his head resting on Even's
shoulder and his arm thrown across his waist, and Even just let him, running
his fingers up and down his back like he'd done as they laid in bed together
that morning. It felt big, in a way, to be doing this here, in front of
everyone, but as the minutes passed and no one said anything, Isak's heart rate
returned to normal.
"I'm going to go get a beer," he said after a little while, pushing himself off
of Even. "Want anything?"
Even shook his head, but Magnus immediately piped up with a request for a beer
of his own. Isak scoffed. "I wasn't asking you. Get it yourself." Then he
ambled off, making his way across the house and into the kitchen. He had just
grabbed two beers (one for him, one for Magnus) when a gratingly familiar voice
spoke from behind him.
"Isak!" And suddenly he was being pulled into a hug that he very much did not
want.
"Oomph," he grunted as Emma crashed into him. He held the beers out from his
body to keep her from knocking them to the floor. "Hi, Emma." When she pulled
away, he noticed that her eyes were glassy and her cheeks were red—she was
already drunk. That didn't fare well for what was coming. She stood up on her
tiptoes, clearly going in for a kiss, but Isak turned his head at the last
minute and her mouth landed on his cheek instead. She pulled back, looked him
in the eyes, and pouted. "Emma," he warned with a bashful smile.
"Why won't you kiss me?" She asked, drawing the attention of half the room.
Isak swallowed hard, trying to think of a lie. Why wouldn't he kiss her? Why
wouldn't he let her go down on him when she offered? The answer was obvious to
him, but she couldn't see it. Still, she was a nice girl. A little eager,
maybe, but nice.
"I'm seeing someone," he said, deciding that some version of the truth would
probably work best. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I—"
"Who?" She asked immediately and, well, maybe Isak hadn't thought this through
completely.
"I'm—Oh, I don't—"
Suddenly, Even was there, sidling between them. "Is that my beer?" he asked,
taking the extra from Isak's hand and popping the cap. He took a long sip
before turning and making a good show of pretending he hadn't seen Emma
standing there. "Oh, hi. I'm Even." Like they hadn't met before.
"Hi," Emma replied, squinting her eyes suspiciously. "Emma."
“Am I interrupting or…” He trailed off, looking between the two of them, but
neither replied. “Okay, well, Isak, I’ve got the stuff if you want to go
outside.” He lowered his voice at the end of the sentence, like they were
sharing secrets, but he still spoke loud enough for Emma to hear. For a second,
Isak was truly baffled. Had they planned to get high tonight? The only thing he
remembered Even promising him was a blowjob if he could get through the whole
party without killing someone.
Even widened his eyes meaningfully, begging Isak to understand, and finally it
clicked. Even was trying to save him.
God, he loved his boyfriend.
“Yes!” he cried, finally catching on. “Outside.” Even, who had his back to
Emma, closed his eyes, like he was truly appalled at Isak’s inability to lie,
but Isak didn’t care that he was being obvious. He just needed an excuse to
walk away from this conversation. “Sorry, Emma. We’ll talk later?”
Before she could respond, Even had grabbed him by the elbow and was leading him
towards the back door.
“Thank you so much,” Isak gushed. He wasn’t quite brave enough to hold Even’s
hand, so he held his wrist instead. “How did you know she had me cornered?”
“She followed you out of the living room,” Even said, shaking his head like he
couldn’t even comprehend the stupidity. “I just assumed.”
Isak’s first instinct was to be flattered, but then his brow furrowed in
confusion. “Wait. Were you watching Emma?”
“Yeah,” Even admitted with no shame whatsoever. “I always watch her when you’re
around. God, the way she fucking stares at you. It pisses me off.”
“Even,” Isak laughed. “I’m very, very gay. You know that, right?”
They had reached the back door and Even pushed it open, ushering Isak outside
onto the patio. There were a few other students hanging about, but there was a
chill in the air that kept most sane people inside. “Yeah, but she’s not,” Even
argued. “No one gets to look at you like that except me.”
“You’re jealous!” Isak crowed, delighted.
Even snorted, looking over at Isak like he didn’t quite understand his
surprise. “Of course I’m jealous!” he practically yelled. “I had to watch you
make out with her and it nearly killed me. I’ve never been so happy to see
someone throw up.”
Isak scoffed over at him. “You’re one to talk,” he said. “I had to look at your
girlfriend’s nudes.”
“Ex-girlfriend,” Even corrected automatically, but he was smiling.
By that point, they had reached the far side of the yard and settled beneath a
large tree there. They were so far away from any prying eyes that Isak leaned
into Even’s side and laced their fingers together, pulling Even’s hand into his
lap to trace patterns on the back of it.
“I was jealous,” he admitted after a few minutes of silence. Even hummed,
silently asking him to elaborate. "When she sent you that picture. That’s why
I…well, um…you know.”
Even gave him a smug smile. “I do know,” he teased.
Isak felt his cheeks heat up and he knew he should probably stop talking, but
his tongue kept going so fast that his brain couldn’t keep up. “I just didn’t
want you to touch yourself thinking about her. I wanted you to be thinking
about me. Even if you didn’t know it was me.”
“I did, though,” Even pointed out. “And that was a great picture. We should
hang it on our fridge when we get our own place.”
Isak rolled his eyes and chose to ignore that last part. “Whose did you like
better? Mine or hers?” he asked because yes, he was that petty.
“Oh, hers, definitely,” Even joked and Isak reached out to slap him on the arm,
the resounding smack echoing throughout the backyard. “Ow!” Even complained,
but he was laughing. “Nah, I’m kidding,” he said, suddenly growing serious. He
pulled Isak closer to him so that he could place a gentle kiss on his forehead.
“I deleted hers before we even left the library and when I got home, I told her
not to send me any more. Yours I would use as my fucking lock screen if it
wouldn’t cause me to walk around with a perpetual boner.”
Isak grinned, feeling strangely proud of himself for winning the “Best Nude”
contest against a girl who didn’t even know they were competing.
Silence fell between them then, but it was comfortable. The kind of comfortable
that could only come after knowing someone for years. Isak curled even deeper
into his side as a cold gust of wind blew by.
“I can’t believe you came out to the boys,” Isak mused after several minutes.
“Just like that.”
Even shrugged, causing Isak’s head to bob on his shoulder. “I thought it might
help you,” he admitted. “To see that they don’t care.” There was a long pause.
“But you already knew that, didn’t you?”
“I wasn’t sure,” Isak admitted, “but…I mean, they’re my friends for a reason. I
know they’re good people.”
“Do you think you want to tell them?” Even asked, stroking Isak’s hair away
from his forehead.
Isak thought about it and, after a minute, nodded. “But only so I can do this,”
he added, grinning, and pulled Even in for a long, slow kiss beneath the stars.
They were so preoccupied with each other that they didn’t notice the flash of a
camera in the distance.
*
Isak’s world fell apart for the second time on a Monday.
The irony of it was that Isak walked into school feeling great, already on a
high from the blowjob Even had given him in the shower that morning. They’d
talked about things over the weekend—Isak’s fears and reservations—and he felt
good. He felt confident. He felt like he was ready to come out. The boys were
planning on going out for lunch and he had decided to tell them over tacos.
There was nothing more chill than tacos.
He had barely reached his locker, however, before he was intercepted by Jonas.
“Isak,” he said, his voice deathly serious. Isak, who was halfway through
inputting his combination, froze.
“Jonas,” he repeated, trying to imitate his tone, but Jonas didn’t seem to find
it funny. Instead, he scrunched his thick eyebrows in confusion.
“Are you okay?” he asked incredulously. “You seem okay.”
“Um…yeah?” Isak chuckled, finally getting his locker open. “Why?”
Jonas visibly deflated at his blasé attitude. “You don’t know,” he realized.
“I don’t know what?” Isak asked, now worried, his heart starting to race like
his body already knew the secret Jonas was keeping from him.
“Where’s Even?” Jonas said urgently, looking around the hallways like he might
suddenly appear. Isak looked around too, searching for any sign of what was
amiss, but nothing felt off. It was just your average Monday. “We need to find
him, like, now.”
“He left an essay at home, so he had to run by his house before school,” Isak
said. “What the fuck is going on? Is Even okay?”
Jonas sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his already disheveled hair.
That’s when Isak knew something was seriously wrong. Jonas was rattled and
Jonas didn’t get rattled. He took everything in stride. Everything. If a storm
was strong enough to knock Jonas off his feet, it was strong enough to level
Isak to the ground.
“Isak,” he started, using the exact same tone his father had used years earlier
when he told Isak his grandmother was dead. Before he could start his
explanation, however, he looked over Isak’s shoulder and apparently found
something he did not like because his jaw clenched and he looked so angry that
Isak wasn’t entirely convinced he wasn’t in some sort of bizarre nightmare.
He’d never seen Jonas look like that. And that scared him.
He looked over his shoulder to see what the hell had set him off, but it was
just Emma, shuffling towards them sheepishly, her cheeks bright red and her
eyes swollen, as if she’d been crying. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Jonas hissed and Isak had to do a double take to convince himself that it was
actually Jonas who had spoken.
“Jonas!” Isak cried, appalled. What the fuck was going on?
By that point, Emma had sidled up to the pair of them. “Isak, I am so sorry,”
she started, eyes wide. She looked scared and Isak’s head was spinning, trying
to fit together a puzzle that he still didn’t have all the pieces to.
“Get the fuck out of here,” Jonas snapped and Isak just let him, trusting that
he, at least, seemed to know what he was talking about. “You’ve done enough.”
“I didn’t mean to,” Emma begged. She was crying now, silent tears rolling down
her cheeks. “I was drunk and stupid and when I saw you two together, I just got
so fucking mad, so I took the picture and sent it to Maria. I didn’t think
she’d do anything with it, I swear. I just wanted to bitch to someone about the
guy I like being gay.”
Isak’s stomach dropped and his blood ran cold. His vision swam in and out of
focus as he tried his hardest to comprehend what Emma had just said. She knew.
She knew about him and Even. “What picture?” he asked, his voice cracking on
the question.
Emma winced and Jonas let out a long-suffering sigh, pulling his phone out of
his pocket. He unlocked the screen and handed it to Isak. It was opened to
Maria’s Instagram account where, sure enough, there was a picture of him and
Even from Saturday night, cuddled together underneath the tree they’d used to
hide from the world. Isak was practically in Even’s lap in the picture and
their lips were pressed tightly together. Beneath the picture, the caption
read: Mr. Steal Your Boyfriend.
There was no mistaking the image for anything close to platonic. Even in a
still photo, there was too much passion there. Too much love. Under other
circumstances, Isak would have been impressed at just how good they looked
together, but as it was, he felt his heart crumble in his chest. It was
happening. The moment he’d been dreading since he’d realized it was something
he should dread, was finally coming to pass. He didn’t get to walk out of the
closet, he was being shoved out. Forcefully.
“No one knows it’s you though,” Emma interrupted his thoughts. She moved closer
to Isak so that she could look at the picture over his shoulder. Isak instantly
took a large step in the opposite direction. “See, you can’t see your face,”
she continued, trying to point it out to him. And, on second glance, she was
right. Even’s face was in the foreground, Isak’s hidden behind his, and the
only reason Isak knew it was him was because he had been sitting there under
that tree with him, a more than willing participant. “You can only see Even and
I’ve already talked to Maria. She won’t say anything.”
Strangely, Isak was not relieved. He remembered Even talking about being outed
against his will at his old school—how horrible it had been—and now it was
happening again and it was all Isak’s fault. “Is that supposed to make me feel
better?” he snapped, his hands shaking with a mixture of fear and anger. “He’s
my boyfriend, Emma. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”
“Isak, I am so, so sorry,” she tried, the tears now flowing faster, but he
couldn’t deal with her right now.
“Get the fuck away from me,” he hissed and she must have somehow inherently
understood that he was a second away from punching something because she backed
off. He watched her disappear around the corner with clenched teeth.
“Isak,” Jonas said, drawing his attention back. “Dude, are you alright?”
No, Isak was not fucking all right. He was about to say that—scream it,
actually—when he turned to look at Jonas and saw his face contorted in pain for
him and for Even. “No, I’m not all right,” he admitted, the fight leaving him.
“I need to find Even. Where’s Even?”
Jonas shrugged. “I don’t know. Me, Magnus, and Mahdi split up, trying to find
the two of you. Hopefully one of them found him and explained what the fuck is
happening because—”
Isak didn’t hear another word Jonas said because at that moment, Even rounded
the corner. Magnus was talking animatedly at his side, but it didn’t seem like
Even was paying him much attention. Instead, his eyes went straight to Isak’s
locker and, when he saw Isak standing there, some of the tension bled out of
his shoulders, like all he’d been worried about was finding him and making sure
he was safe. Isak rushed to him, leaving his locker ajar, and they met halfway
down the hall. They didn’t hug—they were both still too hardwired to avoid PDA
for that—but Even reached out and put his hand on Isak’s hip, like he was
grounding himself, making sure Isak was still there.
Isak was trembling under his touch and he felt like he was a second away from
breaking down right there in front of everyone, but when he looked up into
Even’s bright blue eyes, all he saw was hope. “Isak, it’s going to be okay,” he
whispered, a secret just for the two of them. “It’s out there, but we’ll deal
with it. We’ll—”
Isak wanted to trust him, he did, but suddenly all he could hear were whispers.
They were coming from every direction, loud like static in his ears. He heard
his name, he heard Even’s name, and he knew that if they stayed there, touching
in the hallways, people would be able to put two and two together. They hadn’t
exactly been subtle over the past few weeks. It was easy to hide when no one
was looking, but now that they were…
Isak’s throat felt like it was closing up and he couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t
ready for this. He couldn’t do this.
“They don’t know it’s me,” he said, more to himself than Even.
Even blinked down at him, curious. “What?”
“They don’t know it’s me,” Isak repeated, this time with more conviction. He
took a step back, out of Even’s embrace, and tried not to be affected by how
Even visibly flinched at the loss of contact. “I’m so sorry, Even,” he said,
the tears finally falling from his eyes. “But I can’t do this right now.”
*
On the worst day of Isak’s life, Even ran away from him, leaving him terrified
and alone. This time, it was Isak who ran, and as he stepped out into the early
morning sunlight, he already knew that he had ruined everything.
Chapter End Notes
     Hey, look, the angst made a comeback! (I'm so sorry)
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Isak ignored the buzzing in his pocket as he ran. He ran until his lungs gave
out and he collapsed into the grass at a park across town, tears streaming down
his face. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why did the thought of coming out
scare him so much?
It was probably an hour later before he was able to pick himself up, but even
then he didn't want to be bothered by people. His phone was still buzzing
nonstop, so he pulled it out of his pocket and quickly skimmed the
notifications. Most of them were from Jonas. None of them were from Even. He
turned it off.
He wandered for a long time, letting the sharp sting of the wind whip his face,
thinking about everything that had just happened and simultaneously trying not
to think about it at all.
Isak wasn't an idiot. He could see the similarities between this and what had
happened to Even at his old school. He knew he was the Mikael in this
scenario—the one who was just as guilty and yet shouldered none of the blame.
Only this time, it wasn't just two boys messing around. It was Isak kissing the
love of his life and he wasn't even brave enough to admit it.
Deep in his heart, he knew—had always known—that his reluctance to come out
stemmed largely from his relationship with his mother. No matter how hard he
tried, he couldn't make himself not care about what she thought of him. It
didn't matter that they had barely talked in two years. It didn't matter that
she was actually, clinically insane. He was still a child and she was still his
mom and he needed to know that no matter what, she would still be there, loving
him. That she didn't blame her mental illness on him. That she didn't see it as
a punishment for his sexuality. Because he did—and it was crippling.
It was early afternoon when he finally made his way back to the apartment. He
expected it to be empty, knowing that Eskild had a late class, but to his
surprise, Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi were waiting for him in the living room when
he got there. Isak froze just inside the door.
"Eskild let us in," Jonas explained sheepishly, standing from his spot on the
couch like he was scared Isak might bolt. "Are you okay?"
Isak forced his gaze away from him and looked down at Mahdi and Magnus, who
were sitting on the floor around the coffee table, both looking more subdued
than he'd ever seen them. He wasn't quite sure how to answer that question, so
he just grunted and made his way towards the fridge instead, the boys trailing
along behind him. He wanted to grab a beer—he really, really did—but he didn't
deserve the small relief that would provide, so he grabbed a water instead and
gulped the whole thing down before turning back to his friends, who were
watching him worriedly.
"How's Even?" He asked, because that was all that mattered to him. He watched
as Magnus shuffled his feet nervously and Mahdi looked towards Jonas, who was
their unofficial spokesperson, apparently.
"We made sure he was okay before we left," Jonas said and Isak breathed a sigh
of relief. At least someone was watching out for him. "I'm pretty sure he was
heading home."
"Honestly, he didn't seem that bothered by the picture thing," Magnus added. "I
caught him before he even walked into school and he didn't care about that. All
he cared about was finding you."
A knot formed in Isak's throat, but he was determined not to start crying
again. Not until he was alone. It was clear, however, from the looks on the
boys' faces that they knew how much pain he was in, but none of them reached
out to comfort him, knowing it would push him over the edge.
"How long have you guys known?" He asked when he felt strong enough to speak.
"About me and Even?"
Magnus scoffed. "Oh, I don't know," he said sarcastically. "I think I figured
it out around the time you started giving each other handjobs in the
cafeteria."
Fuck. Now he was sad and embarrassed.
"Seriously, dude," Mahdi smirked. "You're not slick. You act like a completely
different person when he's around. You're actually nice!"
For the first time in hours, Isak smiled. He'd had a whole speech planned out
for them, but this worked too. And the fact that they'd known for days—weeks,
even—but hadn't treated him any different, it calmed some of his nerves that
were still vibrating at lightning speed.
"What about you?" He asked Jonas because he'd been curious for a while. "When
did you figure it out?"
Jonas raised an eyebrow, like he couldn't even believe Isak had asked him that
question. "I knew you were in love with Even on the first day I met you," he
said, smiling fondly, and Isak felt his breath catch. He had known even back
then? And still chose to be friends with him? To invite him to sleepovers where
they shared a bed? To change in front of him in gym class? "He was all you
could talk about! And when I mentioned how pretty some of the girls were, you
literally scrunched your nose up in disgust. Like the very thought of touching
one of them repulsed you." Unbidden, Isak made that same face now, the thought
of touching someone who wasn't Even turning him off.
Magnus exclaimed in delight at Isak's reaction while Jonas just gestured to
him. "See what I mean."
"You're not slick," Mahdi repeated, shaking his head like he was disappointed.
"Which is why," Jonas continued, some of the solemnity leaking back into the
room. "I don't understand what the fuck you're doing." He was frowning now,
looking at Isak like he was disappointed in him, and if Isak thought he
couldn't feel any worse, he was wrong. He pushed past Magnus so that he could
sit down at the kitchen table, unsurprised when Jonas took the seat next to him
a second later and just kept talking. "You were all over each other at the
party on Saturday," he said, voice low. He ducked his head to force Isak to
look him in the eyes. "If people were going to talk, they would have done it
then. Why is this different? Why does saying the words bother you so much?"
Magnus and Mahdi joined them at the table, watching Isak carefully. "I've never
seen two people more in love," Magnus offered. "It's ridiculously adorable,
actually. One day in biology, I just mentioned you offhand and Even smiled so
wide I thought I was going to have to slap it off his face."
Mahdi nodded in agreement. "Before I knew that the two of you were a thing, I
was talking to Magnus and Even about you and Emma and he grilled me for like
ten minutes about her. What's her deal? Does Isak like her? Have they hooked
up? I thought he was just trying to be a bro and help you out," he snorted. "I
was wrong."
They waited, expecting Isak to say something, but it felt like his tongue was
glued to the roof of his mouth.
After a very pregnant pause, Jonas spoke again. "I just want to hear you say
it," he said. "Even if it's just to us. We know and we don't give a shit. You
know that right?" Isak forced himself to nod because he did know that. "I want
you to be happy, Isak, and Even makes you so goddamn happy it's embarrassing.
Don't keep hurting yourself like this. Don't hurt him like this."
Isak looked between his three friends, his heart overflowing with emotion. The
words were on the tip of his tongue, just like they had been so many times
before. His heart was racing, his hands were shaking under the table, and he
just knew he couldn't do it. But then Jonas reached out and grabbed his hand,
transferring some of his unshakeable calm to Isak and, with that, he found the
last bit of strength that he needed.
"I'm gay," he whispered, and then he waited for the fallout.
Except it didn't come. There were no earthquakes, no lightning fell from the
heavens to smite him, and, as far as he could tell, none of his friends were on
the verge of a nervous breakdown. Instead, the three of them sat there beaming,
nodding their heads encouragingly like a parent to a small child that had just
taken its first step.
Relief flowed through Isak like a baptism, washing him clean, and suddenly he
was laughing. It bubbled out of him without permission. There wasn't anything
particularly funny about the situation he'd gotten himself into, but the fact
that he had waited so long to say those words to someone who was not Even and
then there was just...nothing? It was funny, in an ironic kind of way.
"Are you okay?" Mahdi chuckled after a minute and Isak just nodded. Yeah, he
was going to be okay.
*
The boys didn't stay much longer, seeming to sense that while Isak was grateful
for their little intervention, he wasn't actually in the mood for company.
"Call Even," Jonas said, hanging back as the other boys stepped out of the
apartment. "He's probably freaking the fuck out right now. I know you're still
confused, but try to figure your shit out—and soon—because I don't think I can
go through the post-Even heartbreak with you. Not again."
Isak sighed, his heart heavy, but eventually he nodded. “I’ll call,” he
promised when Jonas just stood there, waiting for confirmation.
“Good,” he said, reaching out to squeeze Isak’s shoulder in goodbye. “You can
call me too, if you need me.”
Isak rolled his eyes, but the next words out of his mouth were the most genuine
he’d uttered all day. “Thank you.”
Jonas smiled. “Call me,” he reminded him, and then he was gone, leaving Isak in
an empty apartment.
He quickly cleaned up the mess the boys had made in the kitchen and then hid in
his bedroom, the door firmly locked behind him to ensure that Eskild couldn’t
barge in once he got home. His lights were off and the room was dark, the sun
completely blocked by his blackout curtains, but he didn’t bother to flip a
switch. He felt a little dark inside too. It only made sense that his room
would match.
He collapsed onto his bed face first and buried his nose in the pillow that
Even had slept on the night before. It still smelled like him and Isak hoped
his scent had permeated into the fabric and would stay there for a while
because he didn’t know how long it would be before he saw him again. What if he
hated him now? What if he didn’t want to be with some scared closet case? He’d
worked through his own demons and now Isak felt like he was dragging him back
into hell. It wasn’t fair, not to either of them.
Before he could change his mind, he pulled out his cellphone and dialed Even’s
number, thinking back to another conversation they’d had on the phone years
before, when Isak had told him he was not alone. What a liar he was.
Even answered after the first ring. “Hello?” He sounded hesitant, like he
hadn’t expected the call and now that it had come, he didn’t quite know what to
do with it. Isak hated that he couldn’t see him, couldn’t decode the familiar
expressions on his face, couldn’t touch him to try to convey even without words
just how fucking sorry he was.
“Hey,” Isak breathed and then waited, hoping maybe Even would say something
before he had to, but the older boy stayed silent. “Listen, Even, I am so
fucking sorry,” Isak said, and once he started, the guilt just poured out of
him. “I freaked out. The one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do in this
relationship was run and I freakin’ ran. I am so sorry.”
Even was quiet for so long that Isak almost started apologizing again. Finally,
however, he spoke, but his words didn’t settle Isak in the slightest. “At least
you called to explain,” he said and he sounded so sad that Isak wanted to run
across town to him, to hold him in his arms and make this right. “That’s more
than you can say about me.”
Isak’s heart clenched in his chest at the sound of Even’s voice, speaking a
slow monotone that he had never heard him use before. “Even,” he sighed,
caressing his name on his tongue, hoping Even could hear in his words just how
much he loved him. “That’s not how this works, okay? This isn’t a competition.
I forgave you for that. It’s over—done with. You get to be mad at me if you
want. I made a dumb mistake. I hurt you.”
The line fell silent again and Isak busied himself by listening to Even’s
breathing. “Isak, I’m not mad at you, okay? I’m just…sad.” Isak’s stomach
flipped painfully. “You know I don’t give a shit if you come out or not, right?
That’s something you have to figure out for yourself and do in your own time—or
never do at all—and I thought I was okay with that, I did, but I didn’t realize
that me being out and you not being out would mean that you couldn’t stand with
me when something like this happens.”
Even’s breath hitched on the other line and when he spoke again, it was through
tears. “Shit, I’m sorry, I just—Isak, this is exactly what happened to me last
year and it hurt, having to face that alone again. Look, I love you more than
life itself, but my head is a scary place right now and I can’t go back in the
closet, I just can’t. It almost killed me last time. Literally. You were on the
receiving end of that phone call. I want to be with you, but I don’t want to
hide who I am.”
“I know,” Isak said, his own voice scratchy from the force it was taking to
stop himself from crying. “I don't want you to either—I don't want to either. I
know I have to figure my own shit out to make this work.”
Even sighed heavily on the other line, like there was more he wanted to say,
but he just couldn’t bring himself to say it. “Are you okay?” he asked after a
minute. “When Magnus told me they had a picture of us, I flipped. I thought you
were about to be outed like I was and I didn’t want that for you. I’m glad you
weren’t in the picture.”
“I’m okay,” Isak admitted. “Or I am now. The boys came over and talked me down
a bit.”
Even chuckled. “They’re good at that. You have good friends.”
“We,” Isak corrected. “We have good friends.” There wasn’t anything left that
Isak could say to make things better, but he didn’t want to hang up—not when it
still felt like there was a shard of glass rammed into his heart. “I came out
to them today,” he admitted, his fingers playing with the hem of his sweatshirt
nervously.
“Yeah?” Even asked and this time Isak could hear the smile in his voice. It
made him smile as well.
“Yeah.”
“How’d they take it?”
Isak gave an indignant huff. “Well, apparently they already knew.”
“No!” Even cried, but he didn’t seem surprised. Isak rolled his eyes, even
though he knew Even couldn’t see him.
“Yeah, apparently I’m too nice when I’m around you.”
“They should have seen you last night,” Even quipped. “You were being a very
bad boy last night.”
“Oh my god,” Isak groaned, his face flaming red. Even chuckled.
“No, but seriously,” Even said, sobering a bit. “I’m really fucking proud of
you, Isak. That’s amazing. I know after everything that happened with us,
coming out isn’t easy for you. I’m not trying to pressure you. I just want—”
“You just want us to be together,” Isak finished his sentence. “For real.” He
wracked his brain for the name of one of those couples from the romantic movies
Even liked, but he couldn’t think of any. “Like Romeo and Juliet,” he
improvised and he could almost hear Even cringing through the phone.
“Maybe not exactly like Romeo and Juliet,” he corrected. And, yeah, he had a
point there.
Almost a minute went by without a word, but Isak took some solace in the
silence. At least he knew Even wasn’t trying to get rid of him because if he
was, he would have hung up by then. “What about you?” he eventually asked,
kicking himself for not asking sooner. “Are you okay?”
He could almost hear Even shrug. “I’m fine,” he said. “I’ve done this before.
Everyone who’s tried to contact me has either been supportive or pissed off
because they think I helped some guy cheat on his girlfriend.” Isak thought
back to Maria’s caption: Mr. Steal Your Boyfriend. Fuck Maria, seriously. “The
kissing a guy part doesn’t seem to be the problem.”
Well that, at least, was good news. “I’m going to fix this,” Isak promised.
“I’m going to fix us.”
Even hummed from the other line, like he wasn’t quite sure he believed him.
“Okay. But don’t take too long.”
*
Isak, once again, skipped school the next day, not because he was scared,
although that was certainly a part of it, but because he had something he
needed to do before he could find his peace with Even.
His mom wasn’t home when he got there, but he wasn’t expecting her to be. He
let himself in and waited, passing the time by wandering from room to room,
tracing his fingertips over the furniture and along the walls, searching for
the happy memories buried beneath all of the bad ones.
Eventually, he found himself in his mother’s bedroom. He had never spent much
time in there, even as a child. It always felt off limits, although his parents
never explicitly said so. The first thing he noticed was the sunlight streaming
through the windows, making everything seem bright and cheery. When Isak
pictured this room in his head, it was always dark, but he wasn’t quite sure if
that’s actually how it had looked when he lived there or if he was just
superimposing the darkness his father had brought into his life onto the room
where he had spent most of his time. He also noticed that the bed had been
made, almost meticulously so, and he once again realized that his mom must be
doing well. She was cleaning, she was working a steady job. At least if he had
to have this conversation, he could do it when she was in her right mind.
He wasn’t quite sure why, but he crossed to the far side of the room and sat
down on what he remembered was his mother’s side of the bed. It was the side
nearest the window and he stared out of it for a long time, watching the leaves
flutter in the tree just outside with every gust of wind. He remembered
climbing that tree with Even once when they were younger. He’d almost made it
to the top too, before he fell. He got six stitches in his arm that day, but he
didn’t remember the pain. All he remembered was Even holding his hand as they
sat in the emergency room.
It was only when he turned his gaze to the bedside table, trying to check the
time, that he saw it. Even’s drawing—the one Isak had been looking for for
weeks, the one that he had come to see as some sort of cosmic sign that he and
Even were meant to be together—was sitting framed on his mother’s bedside
table, nestled between her alarm clock and the Bible. The rendering was a bit
cruder than Isak remembered, a bit more juvenile, but he could see now what he
couldn’t see back then: the angel in the picture was definitely him.
Seeing the picture alone would have been enough to shake Isak to his core, but
what he found even more startling was the photo tucked into the corner of the
frame. It was a Polaroid, yellowing with age, but you could still make out the
picture clearly. In it, Isak and Even were standing next to each other, Isak’s
arm snaked around Even’s waist and Even’s thrown over his shoulder. Isak was
laughing at some joke his mom had made to get him to smile and Even was looking
over at him with so much love and devotion in his gaze that it was jarring.
They were only eleven.
Isak remembered because he remembered everything when it came to Even. It had
been so hot outside that day that his mom had set up the sprinkler in the
backyard for them to run through. By the time she grabbed her camera, they were
already soaking wet and coated in grass. That was the first time Isak ever saw
Even without a shirt on. That was the day he accepted that his feelings for him
were more than platonic. That was the day Isak came out to himself and here it
was, immortalized forever, sitting on his mother’s bedside table.
Then, before he even realized what was happening, he was crying. Because she
knew. She had always known. There was no way she could fall asleep every night,
staring at that picture, and not know that her son was gay. There just wasn’t.
He was still crying when he heard his mother walk into the room, but he didn’t
even bother trying to stop the tears. She hadn’t seen him in two years, but
there was no hesitation as she ran to him, cradled him tightly to her chest,
and murmured over and over, “My boy, my sweet baby boy. Shh. Everything’s going
to be all right.” When he’d thought about their reunion over the years, he
always imagined he would be distant, withdrawn. Instead, he clung to her
desperately, silently begging her not to let go—and she didn’t, not for a long
time. She let Isak cry himself out, still whispering reassurances in his ear
and running her fingers through his curls, scratching his scalp every now and
then like she had when he was a boy.
Finally, when the tears had subsided, Isak sat up, feeling drained, but no
longer empty. He wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his sweatshirt and then turned
to his mom, really looking at her for the first time. She looked healthy. The
last time he’d seen her, she had withered away to almost nothing, but there was
some meat back on her bones now and her eyes were bright, present. She had
never looked more like his mom.
“Mamma,” he said, his voice breaking as he pulled her back into a hug. If he’d
had any tears left, he might have started crying again, but as it was, his body
had nothing left to give.
“What are you doing here, baby?” she asked as he pulled away again, but he let
her hold his hands in hers so they could stay connected in some way.
Isak shrugged helplessly. “I just wanted to see you,” he said. Then, looking to
the side, he caught sight of Even’s drawing once more. “But I got a little
distracted.” His mom hummed and pushed a lock of hair out of his eyes.
“By the picture?” she asked.
Isak nodded absently. “Why did you frame it? Why is it in here?”
Marianne smiled and reached out to grab the picture frame, running her hands
over the glass lovingly, first stroking the face of the angel, and then the
photograph in the corner. “Because you’re my guardian angel,” she said simply,
and then, before Isak could ask, “And he’s yours.”
Isak swallowed hard and then looked back at the picture in her hands, knowing
that it was time. He’d dreaded this moment since he was eleven years old, but
when it finally came time for it, he found that he was ready. His heart wasn’t
racing, his hands weren’t shaking, he wasn’t sweating. He was eerily calm.
Confident, even. An almost supernatural peace had settled over him and he just
knew this was exactly where he was supposed to be. Every bad thing in his life
had been leading him to this moment, this confession, and maybe that made it
all worth it.
“I love him,” he said simply, placing his hand over hers as she traced the
outline of Even’s face. “I love him so much, Mamma.”
She huffed out a small laugh and took Isak’s hand in hers. “Let me tell you a
secret,” she said. “I can’t explain how I know—you’ll understand it one day
when the two of you have kids of your own—but I just know, for an absolute
fact, that he loves you too." She looked over at him with a knowing smile. "But
you already know that, don’t you?”
Isak sighed. “I think I might have screwed it up.”
“No,” Marianne said immediately, shaking her head. “The fact that you’re
here—the fact that you care about him enough to come here, to tell me this—you
haven’t screwed up anything. It’s going to take a lot more than one fight to
push him away.” Isak prayed that she was right.
He ended up staying for dinner and although the conversation was stilted and
awkward at times, the food more than made up for it—which might have been her
angle all along because she asked if he wanted to make it a weekly thing over
dessert and his taste buds would not let him say no.
As he was pulling his jacket on at the front door a little while later, his mom
suddenly ran from the room. “Hold on just a minute!” she cried. When she came
back, she was holding the framed picture. “Here. It’s yours. You should have
it.”
“No, Mamma,” he said, smiling down at the picture. He couldn’t even fathom
taking away something that had brought her so much comfort for so long. “You
keep it. I have the real thing.”
*
When Isak left his mom’s house, he felt like a whole new person. The burden
he’d been carrying on his shoulders for years was suddenly gone. He wasn’t
struggling under an invisible weight anymore. If you threw him in the water, he
wouldn’t drown.
He felt completely free for the first time in a long time—probably since those
blissful few minutes after Even had first kissed him in that storage closet,
before he’d told Isak to keep it a secret—and now that he was free, all he
wanted to do was run across town to Even. He wanted to hold him in his arms and
kiss everything better. It was more than a desire, even, it was an impulse,
like his heart and soul were already waiting for him in Even’s bedroom. It took
everything in him to go back to his apartment instead. Going to Even now
wouldn't fix anything. He had to wait.
He’d forgotten, however, just how hard it was for him to fall asleep when his
mind was elsewhere and by midnight, he knew he couldn’t go even another minute
without talking to Even. He grabbed his phone off his bedside table, one eye
closed against the glare, and sent him a text: I miss you.
The reply was immediate, like Even had been waiting for it. I miss you too.
It wasn’t much, but it was enough to lull Isak into an uneasy sleep.
*
For some unknown reason, Eskild had chosen that morning to test out his new
contouring kit in the bathroom, so the hallways were jam-packed when Isak
finally made it to school. His already racing heart sped up even more as he
stepped through the double doors and he was left wondering just how much stress
his body could take before he collapsed from sheer exhaustion. Probably not
much, but thankfully, it would all be over soon. One way or another.
He stormed through the hallways, heading towards Even’s locker, and he was so
focused on getting there that he almost ran right into Jonas when he stepped
out in front of him. “There you are!” he said, relieved. “I thought you might
skip today too.”
Isak shook his head, more out of frustration than anything else, and stepped
around him, determined not to lose his train of thought. He had so many things
that he needed to say to Even—I’m sorry, I love you, I want to be together, I
want everyone to know—but he knew if he stopped to talk, the perfectly
rehearsed speech in his head would get jumbled into something incomprehensible.
He hadn’t lost a whole night of sleep for that to happen.
“Where the fuck are you going?” But he was already gone.
Isak had just started to worry about what he’d do if Even wasn’t standing at
his locker when he saw him, still in the process of emptying his school bag. He
stopped in the middle of the hallway, ignoring the grumbles of those who had
been walking behind him, and stared. Even wasn’t smiling, but he didn’t seem
sad. In fact, he was holding himself more confidently than Isak had seen in a
long time. He just seemed larger somehow. He wasn’t shrinking away from the
people around him anymore. It was like he finally felt like he belonged and
Isak couldn’t be happier that that beautiful, perfect man was his.
His lips pulled up in a smile and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t mask
it. He ran through the bullet points of his speech one more time as he took his
last few determined steps forward—I’m sorry, I love you, I want to be together,
I want everyone to know—but Even threw him off his game by looking up just a
second earlier than he’d been expecting, and all of his well-rehearsed words
flew out the window.
Even smiled and opened his mouth to speak, but without anything left in his
head to say, Isak just skipped to the last part of his little plan, grabbed
Even by the cheeks, and kissed him full on the mouth as a horde of their
classmates tried to shuffle past them in the hallway. For one harrowing second,
Isak thought Even was going to push him away, but just as quickly, he relaxed
under his touch and kissed him back. It was more teeth than anything because
they were both smiling like idiots, but in that kiss Isak found an answer he
hadn’t even known he’d been looking for. This is going to work, he thought and,
after seven years of knowing each other, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise,
but somehow it still did.
Isak hadn’t realized Even’s hands were full when he practically assaulted him
in front of the whole school, but he heard the sound of a stack of textbooks
being dropped to the floor and then Even drew him in closer, deepening the kiss
until Isak was light-headed. He ended up with his back pressed against the cold
metal of the lockers and his fingers tangled in Even’s hair. He wasn’t sure how
long they kissed, there in front of everyone, but when Even finally pulled
back, it hadn’t been nearly long enough. Luckily, he didn’t go far. He ran his
right hand along Isak’s cheek, like he couldn’t quite believe what was
happening, and rested their foreheads against each other.
“What are you doing?” he asked in awe.
Isak shrugged and leaned in to place another quick peck on his lips. “Even Bech
Næsheim, I’ve been in love with you since I was eleven years old and I’m
starting to get impatient as fuck. You’re mine, I’m yours, and I want everyone
to know it.”
Even shook his head, his eyes lit with unrestrained glee, and kissed Isak
again. And although there were people all around them—people who might stare or
whisper or jeer—in that moment, Isak felt invincible.
                                _______________
                               Six Months Later
                                _______________
Isak was late and it was all Sana’s fault. Even though it was his and Even’s
six-month anniversary and they had plans, damn it—great plans that involved a
lot of ridiculously hot sex—when she came to him, practically begging for help
studying for their biology exam, he couldn’t say no. Not when she was giving
him puppy dog eyes and reminding him of the time he’d forced her to study with
them and then left to have sex with Even in the school bathroom. Also, fuck
Even for telling her that, seriously.
Still, he hadn’t thought it would take so long. She’d made him explain every
single question on the study guide to her—some more than once—and although he
rushed through it while being as thorough as he could, it still took a while.
When they finally finished that, he thought for sure he was in the clear, but
then she started asking for advice about a boy of all things and he didn’t want
to interrupt her to excuse himself (mainly because Sana opening up to anyone
wasn’t a behavior he wanted to discourage). But the whole time, all he was
thinking was I’m late.
Eventually, he managed to get away by agreeing to a double date with this
Yousef kid—who he had apparently met at Even’s birthday party a few weeks
earlier, but couldn’t remember for the life of him. He opened the door to the
small apartment him and Even had rented together, his mouth already open to
yell out an apology, and froze.
“What the hell?” he muttered because he had absolutely no idea what he was
looking at.
There were only three rooms in their apartment: the kitchen, the bathroom, and
then everything else. The front door opened into the kitchen, which looked
untouched, but the entryway into their bedroom/living area was blocked off by a
sky blue sheet and Even was nowhere in sight, although the familiar beat of
Nas’s Illmatic was blasting from behind the curtain.
“Even?” he cried, dropping his bag to the ground. “Where are you?” He waited a
second, but when there was no response, he pushed the sheet aside and stepped
into the other room. His mouth immediately fell open.
Their furniture had been pushed to the edges of the room—or at least Isak
assumed it had because he certainly didn’t see it anywhere—and the inner
portion of the room was walled off with various shades of blue sheets. They
were attached to the ceiling somehow and hung all the way down to the floor,
like a tent of sorts, and the floor beneath his feet was littered with every
blanket and pillow that they owned.
Without going anywhere, he had somehow traveled back in time and stepped into
another world, a familiar world, a world he hadn’t visited in years. “It’s a
blanket fort,” he said stupidly, although “blanket castle” may have been more
apt.
He was so distracted by the room itself that it took him a second to realize
Even was standing on the other side, his back to him, lighting candles. He
turned in surprise at the sound of his voice.
“Oh, shit,” he said, finally noticing him. He turned off the music and let the
room fall into silence, scratching the back of his neck nervously. “Sana was
supposed to text me when you finished.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket
and then looked back to Isak with a sheepish grin. “Oops. She did.”
Isak was too stunned to even react to that betrayal. Instead, he walked into
the very middle of the room, surprised to find that even standing at full
height, the sheet above him did not touch the top of his head. He spun in a
circle, eyes raised to the heavens, and watched as the candles cast shadows of
the two of them dancing on the ceiling. He was still transfixed by the fabric
above him when Even grabbed his waist and drew him in, placing sloppy kisses on
both of his cheeks before moving down to his neck.
“Happy Anniversary, babe,” he grinned. “Do you like it?”
Did Isak likeit? He was getting hard just looking at it. He almost told Even
that, but he kissed him instead, hoping he could figure it out for himself.
They ended up sprawled out on the floor of the apartment, nestled in blankets,
grinding against each other so enthusiastically that there was a very real
chance of Isak coming in his pants. When he felt himself getting close,
however, he stopped Even and pushed him to the side so that he was lying on his
back, staring up at the tent above them.
“Pause for a second?” he asked and Even nodded, his eyebrows furrowed a bit in
confusion as he watched Isak. Isak just smiled down at him and placed a playful
kiss on his nose before snuggling into his chest. Then, he too stared up at the
top of the blanket fort. There was nothing particularly interesting up there
and yet he was mesmerized nevertheless. It was like a projector was playing his
childhood on repeat on the ceiling above him and he got lost in the memories as
he listened to Even’s heart beating steadily under his ear. Even didn’t
complain once about being stopped mid-coitus, just stroked his fingers down
Isak’s back and kissed the top of head whenever he felt like it.
It was probably ten minutes later before Isak spoke. “Truth or Dare?” he asked,
tilting his head up just in time to catch Even rolling his eyes.
“Now, Isak,” he joked, “we’re a little old for that, don’t you think?”
“Shut up,” Isak argued, swatting him playfully. “Truth or Dare?”
Even gave a very put-upon sigh, but Isak knew he secretly loved it. “Truth,” he
finally decided and then started laughing at Isak’s indignant groan.
“Fuck you!” Isak cried, sitting up to glare down at him. He was smiling though
and Even was too. “You’re supposed to pick dare. You never fucking pick what I
want. You’re doing this on purpose!”
Even chuckled, sitting up so that he could face him. “Are you still holding a
grudge over a Truth or Dare game we played…” He trailed off, counting back in
his head. “Five years ago?” Isak just shrugged because yeah, he kinda was,
although Even choosing dare back then had admittedly turned out pretty damn
good for him. “Fine,” Even acquiesced. “Dare, then.”
Isak smirked. “Kiss me like you mean it.”
And he did. Even kissed him so hard that it knocked him back into the pile of
blankets and he didn’t even allow Isak to catch his breath before he was
climbing on top of him, licking into his mouth with a hunger Isak hadn’t seen
from him before.
They undressed each other with no finesse at all—Isak heard his boxers rip as
Even practically tore them off of him, but he didn’t care—desperate to be
touching skin on skin, with nothing left between them. Fuck clothes. They
didn’t fucking need them anyway.
Thankfully, Even had remembered to grab the lube before quarantining their
bedside table outside of the blanket fort and he slathered a generous portion
onto his fingers before reaching for Isak’s rim. Isak hissed when they breached
him, the liquid still a bit too cold for comfort, but he quickly relaxed into
the touch. Even had become quite adept at fingering him just enough to keep him
hard and wanting, but not too much that he blew at the first brush of Even’s
cock against his prostate. It was a talent, truly. The subtle art of fingering
was still largely lost on Isak, although Even insisted that he was doing just
fine without any advanced training. Isak had made him come once from his
fingers alone and even though it was a complete accident, he counted it as a
win.
When Even finally removed his fingers and started kissing bruises into Isak’s
neck, he knew it was time to take things into his own hands. He gripped Even’s
hips tightly between his knees and flipped them so that he was on top. Even
looked up at him, startled at the sudden transition for all of a second before
he was laughing hysterically. Isak just waggled his eyebrows suggestively
because, yes, he really was that strong, thank you for noticing.
He silenced Even’s laughter with one long, slow, deep kiss that had Even
thrusting up into his hip, leaving a wet trail of pre-come in the crevice
there. Isak, losing some of his patience as his blood rushed to his cock, broke
the kiss and sat back on his haunches, taking Even in hand and guiding him
towards his entrance.
“Happy Anniversary, babe,” he said, repeating Even’s words from earlier as just
the tip of his cock breached him. “Let me thank you properly. You just lay
there and I’ll do all the work.”
He sank down the rest of the way onto Even’s cock with a groan, his body
already trembling from a mixture of pleasure and exertion, and grounded himself
by the feel of Even’s fingers digging into his sides. Once he was seated with
Even fully inside of him, he gave a few experimental rolls of his hips and
preened at the whine it elicited from Even.
“Fuck,” the older boy breathed, trailing his hands up Isak’s back to bring him
down for a kiss. Isak let him, kissing him wet and dirty, but once he was
finished, he grabbed Even’s wrists and held them pinned to the floor.
“I said just to lay there,” he reminded him and this time when Even groaned, it
was out of frustration. Isak kissed him once more, a quick one this time, and
then began moving.
His movements were slow at first as he got used to the stretch, but he was now
as intimately familiar with Even’s body as he was his own, so it didn’t take
him long to get adjusted.
And there, under the canopy of their childhood, they made love.
Isak rode him fast, taking control and pinning his hands down the whole time
because he knew that was the way Even liked it. It wasn’t until Even was
writhing beneath him, the way he did when he was on the verge of an orgasm,
that he asked permission to touch him. Isak granted it immediately, releasing
his hands and allowing them to wander his sweat-slick body, mainly because he
was dying to touch as well. He braced his hands on Even’s chest to steady his
movements and leaned down, kissing him hard on the mouth before trailing his
lips down to his neck, then his shoulder, then his collarbone.
“Fuck, Isak,” Even said as Isak bit at the sensitive skin in the juncture
between his neck and his shoulder. His hips gave a hard thrust upward, causing
Isak to moan. “Are you close?” Isak had been close for ages, just waiting on
Even to give him a sign that he was too. He nodded, nuzzling his cold nose
against Even’s cheek. “Good,” Even said with a worrying smirk. He wrapped his
arms tightly around Isak and flipped them once more, their bodies still
intimately connected. And fuck, that was a new angle, shit.
He let out a prolonged groan, expecting his orgasm to hit from shock value
alone, but it didn’t happen. Still, his vision clouded over with lust until all
he could see were Even’s blue eyes. “My turn,” Even said, thrusting into him at
a punishing pace, every thrust releasing a sound like a slap into their quiet
sanctuary. A mounting pressure began building in Isak’s groin and he was
positive he was going to go mad with it until finally, Even reached between
them and wrapped his hand around his cock. He came with a shout, come coating
his stomach as his fingernails scratched down Even’s back, trying to find some
purchase to keep him tethered to the ground as his orgasm made him want to soar
above it.
Isak worried, as his wits came back to him, that the scratching might have been
a bit too rough, but when he looked into Even’s eyes they were black with
desire and he only began thrusting faster, desperately seeking his own release.
He found it seconds later, burying his head into Isak’s shoulder as he came,
and Isak held him through it.
“God, you’re beautiful,” Isak whispered into his ear. “So perfect, holy shit.”
He would have gladly stayed there all night with Even still buried inside of
him, but Even, it seemed, had other plans. Looking more excited than Isak had
seen him in quite a while, he separated them and then crawled down to the
bottom of the pallet where he spread Isak’s legs apart and just waited. Isak,
slightly confused, raised himself up on his elbows to watch what was happening.
He shouldn’t have been surprised that as soon as he felt Even’s seed start to
leak out of him, Even’s face lit up. What he most definitely was surprised
about was Even’s mouth closing around his hole, his tongue slipping inside of
him to lick up every last drop.
“Fucking shit, Even,” Isak hissed, his fingers tangling in the blankets beneath
him.
Once Even finished with that, he licked up Isak’s body, cleaning him of his own
come, and then just kept crawling upwards until his lips were hovering
centimeters above him, silently asking for a kiss to share the taste of the two
of them on his tongue. Isak pulled him down and kissed him fiercely. He was
hard again by the time they broke apart, but Even had left him more than
satisfied and he didn’t mind waiting for round two.
Even crashed back onto the blanket next to Isak and Isak pulled him close so
that Even was laying on his chest this time. Both of them turned to look at the
sheet still hanging above them. Isak was pleased it had lasted this time—that
it hadn’t come crashing down around them.
“You know,” Even said after a while. “When I first met you, I never dreamed I
would be this lucky. I never thought I would get the chance to do this.”
“To do what?” Isak joked because he was a little shit and Even had set the joke
up for him a little too well. “Eat your own come out of my ass?”
Even snorted, but then looked up at Isak with a face of feigned disappointment.
“No,” he corrected emphatically. “To do this.” He gestured around their blanket
fort. “To make love to you in a home we created together. To talk about our
future like it’s a guarantee, not a distant possibility. To hold your hand in
public and kiss you whenever the fuck I want. I never thought it would be
possible.”
“Yeah,” Isak sighed. “I know what you mean. But in some ways, I feel like this
was inevitable—not in a bad way, but in, like, a meant-to-be-type way.”
“You think we’re meant to be?” Even grinned. Isak thought he probably should be
embarrassed at saying something so sappy, but what he wanted to say next was
even sappier, so he didn’t bother.
“On the first day we met, I remember thinking you were my soulmate and, seeing
us here now, I don’t think I was wrong.”
Even’s eyes widened marginally and the laugh fell off of his face as he
suddenly grew serious. “You felt it too?” Isak’s heart soared. “No matter what
happens between us, Isak Valtersen, I need you to know one thing: you are the
love of my life. There was no one before you, there was no one after you, and
there will never be anyone ever again who makes me feel even half of what I
feel for you. This is a once-in-a-lifetime love and I am never letting you go.”
“Good,” Isak agreed, pulling him in for a kiss, “because I’m not letting you go
either.”
They stayed there for the rest of the night, wrapped up in their own little
world. It felt timeless in a way, their blanket fort. Their relationship was
completely different now than it had been at thirteen, but in the ways that
mattered, it was exactly the same. Even was his best friend, the love of his
life, his guardian angel. He had molded his past and was shaping his future.
Even now, Isak could see the years spanning before them and, although he was
far to young to be thinking of such things, he imagined a little girl with his
own green eyes sitting in Even’s lap beneath a blanket fort just like the one
they were laying under now, calling for Isak to join them so that they could
get lost in the world they had created, all three of them together.
Chapter End Notes
     Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck with me to the end of
     this! I know it was a bit angsty-er than usual, but I really love how
     it turned out. All of your comments and kudos have made me so happy
     and I can't thank you enough for each and every one. Hope you liked
     the ending <3
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