Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1157236.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage, Rape/Non-Con
  Category:
      M/M, F/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Levi/Eren_Yeager, implied_jean/marco_-_Relationship, onesided_Levi/Petra,
      past_Levi/Erwin, non-con_Jean/Eren
  Character:
      Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Eren_Yeager, Petra_Ral, Annie_Leonhart, Reiner
      Braun, Bertolt_Hoover, Hange_Zoë, Jean_Kirstein, Marco_Bott, Sasha
      Blouse, Connie_Springer
  Additional Tags:
      Self-Harm, Psychological_Trauma, Recreational_Drug_Use, Harm_to_Animals,
      Emotional_Manipulation, Gangs, Drug_Dealing, Alternate_Universe_-_Modern
      Setting, Violent_Thoughts, Rape/Non-con_Elements, Blow_Jobs, Adultery
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-01-28 Updated: 2014-03-22 Chapters: 11/? Words: 28111
****** Black and Blue and Broken Bones ******
by Uial
Summary
     "But Levi had given up. Given up on everything he was. He had
     believed them, and now he was just as ordinary as everyone else. No
     longer was he a god. They had destroyed him. They exorcised his grace
     because the light blinded their unworthy eyes. He became mortal and a
     disgrace for everything he could have been. A mere shadow of his
     former glory. It was Eren's calling to cut the humanity out of him so
     his divinity would once again emerge."
      
     This is the story of Eren and his endeavor to manipulate Levi into
     becoming mentally unstable enough to mirror him.
     This is the story of Levi who wants to save a kid with too many
     problems from the darkness he currently drowns in.
     This is the story of how both of them succeed and fail in more ways
     than one.
     Please read the tags and warnings and proceed with caution. Enjoy the
     ride.
     ON HIATUS, it will be updated again, once I know where the story is
     going.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
***** Epilogue *****
The crimson streamed down his arm. Red blossoms emerged on the tissue he used
to wipe away the blood that treathend to stain the mattress. Following the
silver of the knife the skin sprang open, eager to present it's insides to the
world. The little drops of blood all over the line fused until the cut was
overflowing, sending red trail down his arm.
Slowly the pain reached his brain. First it was a weak electric impulse, a sign
that something was wrong. His mind ordered him to do something, to change the
current situation because it was dangerous. The pain became stronger with every
minute, with every crimson trail the blade created. And with it the need to
drop the knife intensified. He clenched to it like a starving dog to his bone
and continued to drag the blade over the soft surface. Whenever there was an
especially deep cut he would regard it with a short glance. Maybe this was the
time he had gone too far. Maybe this time the cuts were too deep.
Eren hissed at the pain that spread trough him whenever he moved his arms. He
smiled broadly. The dried blood began to crumple and fall off at the motion,
the new drops changed their direction. His upper arm was covered in cuts off
all sizes by now, from a distance it looked like a scrape. Just like the ones
he got when he was learning to ride his bike. His knees were constantly bloody
and his jeans were constantly ripped. Back then, however, he hadn’t done it
deliberately, not that he'd remember, anyway. The skin was pleasantly raw and
reddened. He had to stop. Most of his arm was bloody already. It was beautiful,
but the liquid made the blade glide over his skin rather then cutting into it.
He moved on to the other arm. Realizing that the cuts on his right arm were
much deeper. Probably because he was a right-hander. He used way to much force
with his left hand. He tightened the grip around the handle, to keep his hand
from shaking. His mind screamed at him to stop as it was supposed to react to
pain. He knew that he was close to loosing control every time, close to being
unable to stop once he started. But this was the only way to survive. Whenever
his mind was too much for him to handle, when he felt his heart ripped out of
his chest he found comfort in the pain.
He became dizzy and relaxed, his vision blurred around the edges. The drops
created beautiful shapes and patterns on his skin. How was something so utterly
perfect made by him? From him?
By now both of his arms were sliced open and bloody. The left one with
countless shallow cuts, barely any space of unblemished skin left, the right
one in lesser, but deeper ones, the skin parted, like hungry, crimson flooded
mouths.
***** Revelation *****
Chapter Summary
     Eren meets Levi and realizes that he is no longer the perfect being
     he once was.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It hurt whenever Eren moved his arms. It hurt when he got dressed. It hurt when
the fabric of the sweater ripped the scab from the wounds. It hurt as he
slipped into his jacket. And it felt wonderful. Whenever there was a sting of
pain he grinned, because he had done this. He had created this wonderful
feeling. Every time he shifted his shoulders he was reminded that he was still
there. Because the pain was still with him.
This was the pain he could deal with. The physical one. It numbed his thoughts
and he was finally at ease with the world. He put his jacket on and off
repeatedly during the day, relinquishing the ache that shot through his body.
On the bus he leaned against the window, feeling how the cuts reopened at the
pressure and spilled the blood anew. It felt cooling on his skin before the
dark fabric of his sweater sucked it off.
Eren had to wear black sweaters, the dark color masked the dried blood
perfectly. The long sleeves didn’t bother him. He had no problem with being
warm and there was a pleasant pain racing through his body whenever a pearl of
sweat collided with one of the lines on his upper arm. The clear liquid mixing
the the thicker, red one.
He paid no mind to the people staring at him. It was unusual to wear long
sleeves in summer, but it was still legal. No one would take this away from
him. The pain was his and his alone. His life was perfect.
It was a thursday in august and he detested thursdays. Not that he hated the
day itself, his problem was the schedule, and this damned season. He had PE on
thursdays, 4-6 pm. Two hours of pure torture, especially in August, with the
sun burning down him. Especially when he was dressed in a thick, black sweater
he couldn’t take off. A few drops of sweat were nice, being completely soaked
was just disgusting.
His classmates all wore tees and shorts. Because he had limited the destruction
to his thighs, he could at least wear short pants. A t-shirt however was
impossible for him to wear. A t-shirt was loose and it would ride up if he
stretched or actually did anything. People would see his arms, and his stomach,
his hips, and all the slightly pink scars, and the red, new cuts. He sighed,
sitting down next to a petite blond boy with bright blue eyes. There they
waited, for their sports teacher, Mr. Pixis.
However, it was not Mr Pixis that appeared out of the small bureau and stepped
into the brightness of the field. It was a short man with black hair that was
dressed into an undercut. His eyes were heavy lidded and stormy gray. He was
frowning but other than that, there was no emotion whatsoever on his face.
“You are not Mr. Pixis” One of Eren's classmates stated the obvious.
The short guy answered sarcastically. “Really? Because I wouldn’t have known.
Thank you so much for this very intelligent conclusion, dumbass” His voice was
bored and lifeless.
“Where is Mr Pixis?” Another one asked.
The short guy sighed, apparently annoyed by their questions. “He is ill and
asked me to substitute for him. I'm Levi.”
Eren snorted. He was pretty sure that he was taller than the short guy in front
of them. He could probably win against this smurf in every sport. “Are you even
a PE teacher?” He questioned.
Levi smirked at him. “Hell no, brat, I actually have an IQ over 10.” Levi
looked at him thoroughly, his piercing grey eyes bearing into Eren's turquoise
ones. He felt like he was transparent all of a sudden. There was a challenging
twinkle in these gray eyes. “Actually there was something in the school
regulations about doing sports in tees and shorts, so you don’t get a
sunstroke. Get rid of that sweater.”
Eren sat there, stunned. Pixis let him wear whatever he wanted as long as he
participated. He absolutely couldn't wear a t-shirt. Why did he have to say
something? He should have just kept quiet. Panic rose in his stomach. Cursing
his assertiveness he began to shiver. What if they made him stop? He couldn’t
deal with this. There was no way he would survive without the pain. It was the
only thing that assured him that he was strong enough. If he could deal with
constant pain he could fucking well deal with reality. His heart was beating
way to fast, sweat running down his back. He was breathing in short gasps.
This was a panic attack, he knew them because they were as much a part of his
live as his beloved cuts. He usually got them in crowds, whenever he felt
suffocated and crushed by his anxiety. And cars. The screeching of tires, the
howling of sirens. He knew how to cope with it.
Eren brought his hands up from their previous resting place on his knees,
crossed them at the height of his chest and curled them around his upper arms.
The fingers drove into the ruined skin, pressing as hard as he could. The pain
tore at him, he felt the stinging sensation of scurf that was bent enough to
break. He imagined the little red drops spilling through the cracks, zealously
leaving their warm, dark prison, only to be swallowed by the his darkness of
his sweater. Finally the ache released him into sweet numbness. Everything was
good. They would never find out. That Levi guy couldn’t really force him to
undress, after all. The worst thing that could happen to him was detention. He
was all right.
Now that he was able to breath again, he realized that the substitute teacher
himself was dressed in a black pullover and black sweatpants. As usual teachers
were the biggest fucking hypocrites on the planet. Enforcing rules but never
actually keeping to them.
The blond guy next to him said something and Eren forced a small portion of his
attention back to reality. “He always wears that sweater. Mr. Pixis was okay
with it, he does the same exercises we do.”
Eren had to suppress a grin. Blondy actually helped him, he probably had no
idea how much. Eren wouldn’t even have to talk. No need to think about how to
appear relaxed, like he didn’t just felt as though he was dying. That guy was
perfect. Eren never once spoke with him, and despite all that he felt inclined
to help him. What an idiot, he was probably being used by everyone around him
without even noticing it.
Levi shot him another suspicious glance. “Whatever. I won't carry this idiot
around when he passed out from the heat. The rest of you get up, were doing
torch relay today.” He pointed at Eren. ”And you, whatever you name is, are
staying here. Were gonna have a little talk after class.”
This actually went quite well. He wouldn’t have to run his ass off. And he
wouldn’t have to wait till 7 pm to get home. The problem with doing sports was
sweating, and especially the shower he had to take after class. Of course there
was no way he would shower with anyone around to look at him. So Eren waited
until all his peers were done showering, and that usually took roughly one
hour. This resulted in him being late and his father screaming at him, asking
him where he had been. Hopefully this Levi dude would talk fast, otherwise Eren
would be grounded for another two weeks, not that he wasn't already grounded
for the next three years anyway.
What could he say? “Sorry dad, I can't shower with my classmates because I am
covered in scars and people somehow think that it's creepy.” He wasn't deluded,
he knew they they would probably send him to the loony bin if they ever saw
what he did to his body. That was why he was careful. No undressing in front of
others. Not going to the doctor. No swimming.
He never understood why cutting was supposed to be so bad. The blood was
beautiful, the pain was calming and the scars were aesthetic. In fact the scars
were easily his prettiest feature. But they scared others. They were not
normal. They marked him as strange, someone not to be around. Sometimes he
wished them gone, desperate to belong. However, at most time he accepted that
was alone and he hated the people around him for it.
Cigarets were fucking harmful, too. They shorten the live expectancy and cause
cancer. Yet they are perfectly legal and socially accepted. No one would walk
over to a smoking person and ask them: “Why do you hurt yourself? Are you
suicidal? Don't you want to live? Why are you doing this? It looks painful. You
should really do a therapy. Just stop doing it. People like you should be
locked up somewhere.” He once showed his arm to his friend in 6th grade. These
were a few of the things he said. Cutting himself wasn't all that painful, but
hearing these sentences spoken his best friend, someone he trusted and admired,
yeah, that really hurt.
His classmates were running along the racing track, laughing and having fun.
Levi was standing in the patch of grass the middle, shouting instructions and
advice at them. He didn’t seem to know any of their names and he didn’t seem to
care. “You there, horseface, get your legs up. If you keep on scuffling like
that, you will stumble and loose time.” Levi seemed to be a good teacher, his
peers were relaxed, but still doing their best.
Eren was happy to have some time to himself. He needed prepare for the
conversation with this damned substitute teacher. And it was fun to watch
everyone sweating in the sun while he was relaxing in the shadow. The wooden
bench was surprisingly soft and warm, just like the wall against which his back
was leaning. His classmates were screaming, the noise washed over him, like the
swooshing of waves. With dropping eyelids he drifted off to sleep. Only to be
woken by pain in what felt like only seconds later.
He opened his eyes and everyone was gone, only Levi was standing in front of
him, Erens upper arms tightly grabbed by Levi's slim fingers. There was a
surprising strength in these delicate hands. His eyes were as cold and hard as
steel. “Oi, brat, everyone is gone. Why don’t you tell me what is wrong with
your arms, now?”
Eren jerked his arm free of the others grip. He looked him dead in the eyes and
replied. “Nothing.”
There was movement in Levi's eyes now, they darkened. The silvery sky in
fearful anticipation of the storm. “You are a terrible liar, kid.”
Eren was quite frankly offended by that statement. He was proud of his good
lying, as it helped him to hide his maltreated body. On some days he felt like
a broken record. “I am fine. Nothing is wrong. I'm just tired. I feel great.”
And repeat. No one ever managed to see behind his lies, no one cared to. Well
until shorty had to come and fuck everything up. Eren still managed to stay
calm. He would not not give up on five years worth of pain, simply because some
guy managed to debunk his lie. “I'm not lying.”
Levi pushed his silky black hair behind his ear, but it fell right back into
his face. He sighed in exaggerated annoyance. “You so fucking are.”
Eren wanted to go home, his father would be mad anyway. He just wanted to get
over with it. This was so boring. Just another person to be fooled by him.
“Fine, what if I am? I won't tell you anything. You can't ask me to undress.
This conversation is pretty much useless.”
The other raised an eyebrow, his eyes smoldering calm. “You are right. But I
could tell on you. Ask your parents about you, or recommend that a doctor
should examine you.”
Eren couldn’t help but smirk, that was the lamest threat he ever heard. “Of
course, and they would totally believe some random substitute that Pixis picked
up somewhere. It's obvious that you aren't a real teacher, they would never let
anyone with your diction near us precious kids. So why don't you cut the crap,
I need to get home.”
Now Levi was pissed. His hands were clenched to fists, and his breathing was
heavy. He stepped forward, standing right in front of Eren. Their legs touched.
He looked down. Grey orbs covered in pitch black darkness. Probably anger
management issues, Eren pondered. But his voice was as smooth and
expressionless as before. “You're smarter than you look. Listen, you little
shit, I actually want to help you. I'm going ahead here and guess that there
are wounds on your arms. I'm also guessing that you did this to yourself, since
you are so fucking set on hiding it. Just tell me. Talk to me and we will find
a solution.”
Maybe this wasn't a waste of time. This guy actually seemed to be interesting.
If only he would drop the savior act. “Would you please stop talking, it's
really annoying. I don’t need your help. And why would I trust some stranger I
just met? For all you know I just get off on pain.”
Levi looked at him like he was some backtalking, stupid child. “No one get's
off on hurting themselves.”
Eren smirked dirtily. This had been fun, but he really needed to go home as
soon as possible. “Masochists would beg to differ. Anyway, I'll get going,
then.” He get up, waiting for the shorter male to get out of the way.
Levi however kept on blocking his path. He dragged his right hand over his
pullover, hesitantly tugging at the fabric. Eren was pretty much stunned into
idleness. This guy was undressing, right in front of him. Levi seemed to have
finally collected enough determination, seized the hem of the pullover and
pulled it over his head in one fluent motion.
He was ripped, even if he wasn't a PE teacher he could very much be one. His
body was perfection, all defined muscles and smooth skin. These abs would make
models cry with jealousy. His skin was pale, almost shining whitely in the sun.
Eren would have managed to notice the little drop of sweat running down Levi's
chest, traveling past his pink nipples, over the slight hills of his abdominal
muscles, finally reaching the creamy valley between his hipbones and
disappearing in the black cloth of his pants. If only he weren’t so focused on
not looking at Levi. No, Eren rather looked at his shoes with way more
attention than they deserved.
“See, you can trust me.” The voice was shaky, if Eren didn’t knew better, he
would have guessed that the other one was insecure.
He chocked on the incredulous laugh that was currently trying to escape his dry
throat. Levi was officially crazy. Some pervert to undress in front of
unsuspecting students. Who would have thought that Pixis would leave them with
some sicko he met at a gaybar. Damn that old man and his liquor.
Levi was still blocking his way out. His hands were connected with the wall on
both sides of Eren's chest, keeping him from moving. Eren took a second to
thank god. At least his flasher was hot. Could have been worse. He still liked
to got home now. Maybe this was the nice kind of pervert and he would let him
go if Eren asked nicely.
He brought his gaze up, avoiding all the naked skin and gasped as his eyes met
Levi's. They were dark, dull in comparison to the lively silver they were
before. The orbs were overflowing with pain, if Eren knew anything about
people, it was when they were hurting.
Levi's voice was velvety again, no evidence of previous distress. “I know it's
not pretty, but you still need to see it. You need to know what you are doing
to yourself.”
Not pretty? Had this guy looked in the mirror recently? He was perfect. A god.
Chiseled form marble and blessed with beauty by every deity there was.
What Eren was doing to himself? What the fuck was this guy talking about,
anyway? Maybe the gods limited his blessings to prettiness and made up for it
with insanity. Eren finally looked at Levi's chest, just to find out what he
was talking about, of course.
There was the reason for his pale skin. He was covered in creamy white scars.
Not at all like the desperate gashes on Eren's body. Levi's cuts were a work of
art, precise, in straight rows, the same space between them, the same width and
dept. There was one exception, though. His right arm had irregular letters
sliced into it. They had been cut into the flesh again and again, leaving the
edges of the letters rough and the skin uneven. The word reached from his wrist
to his triceps, it red “worthless”. It was the only sign that Levi had any
emotion while cutting himself. Hate and anger were clearly visible in the
violent incisions. They were neither precise nor calm like the rest of his
scars. It was hard to believe that the same person was able to create both.
Levi grasped Eren's chin gently and pushed his head up, the younger sighed at
the loss of the lovely view. Levi's expression was calm, but the distress was
evident in his eyes. They were filled with a sadness that seemed to drown him
in sheer endlessness. “I know where you come from. I've been through the same
shit. Let me help you so you won't end up like this.” He lowered his gaze to
look at his body, regret glistened trough the thundery clouds.
The same regret was mirrored in Eren's eyes. “What have they done to you? You
have no idea how beautiful you are. How perfect.” The real-green glowed with
pure admiration. Eren placed his shaking hands hesitantly on Levi's chest. This
was just too wonderful to be true. There was no reaction and Eren took it as a
sign to continue. His fingers traced along the lucid scars, marveling at their
symmetry.
He took a step forward and was painfully reminded of his sweater, the moment he
didn’t feel Levi's naked skin against his. There was only a second of
hesitation before he took it off. How could he break his first rule so easily?
Somehow he trusted Levi, even if he claimed the opposite. He heard a gasp and
then Levi's hands were on his arms, touching the the fresh cuts, sliding over
the dried blood carefully.
“You need to stop doing this to yourself.” He looked into Levis eye's. The
silver had returned, mellow like cotton candy, sadness and pity.
How dare he pity him. Levi was exactly like him. He should be okay with this.
He should be fucking understanding. But no, of course, he was like everyone
else. Everyone else, telling Eren that the cuts were morbid. That no one was
supposed to be drawn to blood, pain or scars. That he destroyed his future and
his health. Acting so goddamn arrogant. Like Levi actually knew anything about
him.
Eren felt tears swelling in his eyes. He would not cry in front of that
hypocritical asshole. Eren clenched his hand to a fist and smashed it onto that
face in front of him. At least the pity would be gone from it, now. There was a
crunching noise and blood gashed from Levi's nose. Eren lowered the his hand,
trying not to show how much it actually hurt. Levi looked at him, expression
not angry but eyebrows raised in moderate surprise. Blood dribbling down over
his lip and onto the paleness of his chest.
Eren wanted to touch him. Taste him. Savour the saltiness and iron in his
blood. Lick his wonderful skin. Make him realize.
“Feel better now, kid?” Levi asked with the slightest hint of sarcasm.
The red drops rolled down over Levi's stomach, path slightly altered whenever
they met a scar. No, Eren did not feel the least bit better. At least the tears
were gone. Why would Levi not see? Eren would worship every wound on his skin.
He would adore his bloody flesh, and he would love everything Levi was.
But Levi had given up. Given up on everything he was. He had believed them, and
now he was just as ordinary as everyone else. No longer was he a god. They had
destroyed him. They exorcised his grace because the light blinded their
unworthy eyes. He became mortal and a disgrace for everything he could have
been. A mere shadow of his former glory. It was Eren's calling to cut the
humanity out of him so his divinity would once again emerge.
Chapter End Notes
     This was the first real chapter. I hope you had fun reading. This fic
     is going places in my head^^
***** Dedication *****
Chapter Summary
     Have another chapter because I can't stop writing this. Eren
     elaborates on his plan and get's drunk.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
“How long have you stopped?” Eren asked, careful not to reveal his contempt. He
managed quite well, sounding interested and a bit shy.
Levi touched his nose carefully. It had stopped bleeding, but it was swelling
and turning blue. “Goddammit, next time please hit a wall, would you? I don’t
really care if you break your fingers, but my nose is really fucking dear to
me.” He rolled his eyes exaggeratedly. “Three years ago. The first one in a
closed psychiatric ward, the next two with three appointments a week.”
Levi had spent three years suppressing his true nature. Had spent three years
listening to people telling him to suppress it. Eren had no idea how he was
supposed to reverse this process. He needed to spend time with him, to get get
to know him. Maybe talk to his therapist. This was the only way to assess the
damage they had caused. He looked down, all fluttering eyelids and insecurity:
“Soo, for how long will you teach us?”
“This was a one time thing, brat. As you said, I'm not really teacher
material.” He took a few seconds to think before he added: “However, I can give
you the number of my therapist. Her name is Petra and she is specialized on
cases like you-... ours.”
Like that was going to happen. He spoke in anger, voice shuddering with
defiance. ”I trust you, not every random idiot whose name you throw at me.”
Levi's eyebrows were furrowed, the muscles in his jaw tensed. “You are lucky to
be a child. Never insult Petra in front of me again, or I will get revenge for
that broken nose. And compared to me, your punches aren’t all that good.”
Eren really had to check out that therapist. That kind of emotional attachment
to a therapist was unhealthy, then again, maybe this was a case of
transference. However, any kind of relationship to anyone else was a possible
source of comfort. He needed Levi to be alone. Alone and desperate and
clenching to the only person he had left and that would be Eren. It would be
easy to get him to cut again, if Eren managed to get rid of everyone else Levi
held dear. He wanted to be the only one in Levi's life that mattered.
First action, get Levi to forgive this unfortunate faux pas. Gaze up at him
trough your lashes, your eyes are perfect he will totally dig it. Squeeze a few
tears out if possible. Hands behind your back, draw lines with your toecap.
Appear regretful and shy. You're still semi-nude, use it. One step closer, then
blush slightly. Voice cracking, frown. Mind your words. ”I'm sorry. Please
accept my apology. I just got nervous because I am quite scared of strangers.”
Good, now more hopeful. You are a scared child that he needs to protect. Be
polite. “I don’t want to go there alone, would you maybe accompany me? Only if
it isn’t too much trouble, of course.” Perfect.
Was there doubt in his eyes? Fuck. Levi didn’t believe his act. He just stared
at him trough half-lidded eyes. Why did he have to be this hot? Like his
perfect body wasn't enough, he managed to pull off the best bedroom eyes ever.
Finally he spoke. “It's all right, kid. I couldn’t help but notice that you
somehow managed to retrieve your manners out of your ass. I can't really decide
if I want to punch you less or more, now.” Jerkoff. Fucking gigantic asshole of
a pervy substitute teacher. Screw him and his wonderful abs. Damn his soft
lips, still stained by his delicious, ruby red blood. How can anyone with a
broken nose even look that good? “Anyway, I can make the appointment for you,
and then we could go there together. I could also fetch you when your trough
and bring you back home.”
Oh my god, it actually worked. Sound happy. “I'm going to give you my number.
You can text me and we can arrange the appointment. “ After a few seconds of
searching trough his rucksack he found a black marker. He took Levis hand in
his and scribbled his number on it's back.
Levi frowned at his hand. “The fuck brat? Do you know how long it takes to
scrub that off? Jerkoff.”
Eren beamed as he put his sweater back on, and grabbed his bag. “See, now you
have no excuse to skip our date.” Winking suggestively at Levi he walked off.
He heard a growled: “Fuck off, brat.” from the older man and grinned. Keep
telling yourself that. You are mine.
There was no sound from inside of the flat as he entered. He made his way to
the kitchen and was greeted by the tragic sight of an empty fridge. The liquor
cabinet however was filled to the brim. Another wasted paycheck. Another month
without food. He'd have to start stealing stuff again. Sighing he took a sip of
the cheap vodka. Alcohol had a few calories at least. It was hard to drink
enough to deafen the hunger but not so much that he was drunk. He still needed
to do his homework. The door to his bedroom was locked. At the end of the
month, when the liquor got scarce his father usually pawned his stuff for a few
more bottles. He didn’t remember how many times he came home and discovered
that the door had been kicked in and his computer was gone. Delivering papers
didn’t pay much, but he saved the most of the money he made to buy his computer
back at the end of every month.
One hour later and his english and biology homework was done. He didn't even
attempted to try math anymore, but he did well enough in the other subjects to
even out the constant F's in calculus. People got nosy when his marks got bad
and putting a bit of effort into it was a small price to pay. He may have
overdone with the vodka, since his handwriting was slurred. Also he had no idea
what he wrote in first place. Something about giraffes. They looked so funny
and spotty and how in hell did they even mate? He supposed it would be funny to
look at. He typed “Giraffe sex” into the search bar. It was indeed very
entertaining, and very awkward.
Thinking of sex, he wondered what Levi was doing now. Why hadn’t he sent a
massage? Maybe he was busy? He probably hadn't called his therapy bitch yet.
And without an appointment there was nothing to talk about. Levi wanted to keep
their relationship casual. His goal was to get Eren cured of his “madness” and
they didn’t need to be friends for that.
Eren would get what he wanted, regardless. Firstly he needed Levi to like him.
To value his option enough to make it possible to influence him, and to give
him a push in the right direction. Levi had been talking to him for quite a
while on the field, there had to be something that kept him here. Eren would
have to find out what it was. Maybe there was a way to exploit it to become
friends. There were three possible reasons Eren came up with.
Maybe Levi pitied him and was a thoroughly kind-hearted person that just wanted
to help. Eren needed to appear sad and lonely to appeal to his protective
instinct. Maybe drop a few hints about an abusive home. Maybe stay a few nights
at his place, prove to be a little angel that was worthy of Levi's affection
and time. Levi would be overwhelmingly happy so have saved him, he would
finally see himself in a better light. Eren would do a few months of therapy
and finally, when everything in Levi's live evolved around him, he would let it
crash and burn. Do a really dramatic relapse bathroom scene with flowing water
and blood everywhere. Levi would be riddled with guilt because he wasn't able
to help. He would have no one to turn to except for the blade. He would start
cutting again and he would love it, because it was the only narcotic that was
able to numb his conscious and Eren would be there to help him push trough it.
He would rebuild him from scratch into the person that he wanted him to be.
The second option was that Eren reminded Levi of himself. And because Levi was
so convinced that he was a screwed-up person now, he would try anything to keep
Eren from becoming that same person. This approach would take a lot of work and
research. He would have to get to know Levi on a very close and personal level.
To know his weaknesses, his habits, how be behaved when he was a child, what
led to his self harm and most of all his mental illness. Eren suspected that
there was a underlying condition to cause the stay in the psychiatric ward.
Then again Levi might be the person to check himself in. However, once he knew
all that he was basically done. He would copy every aspect of Levi's character
and he would be everything Levi never had the chance to be. Then the same as
option one. Reveal that Eren was never truly healed, do something dramatic
enough to scar him for live. Levi would realize that he never even had the
chance to be okay, since the second try at his life failed as miserably as the
first one. Be there for him, hand him the knife and witness the rebirth of his
god.
The third possibility was that Levi was sexually attracted to him. So he was
gay and had a thing for teens. This was easy. Eren was a virgin in the
technical sense, but he had his own computer and enough knowledge to avoid the
child protection software his parents had installed on it. And once you dived
into the debts of 4 chan, reddit, chatroulette and various porn sites, your
innocence was as far gone as your common sense on friday-night. He had to
appear young and naive, emphasize his innocence and play the virgin card. Most
older guys totally got off on that. He'd have to do some research on how to
keep Levi interested once the virgin aspect was gone, though. But Eren guessed
that he would eventually get good in bed if he got enough practice. And if that
didn't work out, he would just blackmail him. Fucking fifteen-year-olds wasn't
exactly legal after all, and the teacher thing would add a whole new shade of
taboo. Furthermore, mental health issues didn’t exactly work to your advantage
in court. Who would ever believe the crazy pervert teacher over his poor,
innocent victim. Fucking nobody.
He would concentrate on these possibilities. Find out which of them was the
most plausible. Talking to Levi to keep him interested and getting to know him.
Keep to the plan. Find a good alternative if Levi didn’t want to spend time
with him. Concentrate. This was his one chance at creating a person that would
accept him. His one chance at finding a partner that was perfect for him. He
wouldn't blow it.
Chapter End Notes
     So, I can't really tell you any definite update date, so I'll just
     put them out whenever I feel like the time is right. The time was
     right. I felt it.
***** Recklessness *****
Chapter Summary
     Meet Annie, everyone.
     I updated the tags, if you have a problem with harming animals,
     please jump the 2nd and 3rd paragraph.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
One week had gone by without any texts or calls from Levi. Eren was at the
brink of madness. He was obsessed with his phone. Looking at it, pretending to
check the time but really just checking for messages, making sure it was always
charged, checking the mobile reception, updating the software because maybe
there was a bug somewhere that blocked Levis calls or texts. He woke up at 3 am
to look at his phone because he noticed the buzz of a message, but upon looking
at it re realized that he had probably just imagined it. He had just imagined
it for the fifth time this night.
Eren had been fine on his own before. Why was this silence bothering him so
much? Why the fuck hadn’t Levi called yet? Eren knew that if he failed to keep
himself busy, he would do something rash. Like calling Pixis, demanding
information about Levi if ever wanted to see his stupid bitch of a chihuahua
again. The dog was ugly as hell and it barked constantly, it would actually be
considered a community service to kill that thing. It had a little pink bow on
it's head, and Eren fantasized about kicking it more than once. It was just so
small, and loud, fluffy and cute its legs were so short, it seemed like that
dog was made for playing soccer with it. Eren knew all that because he had
actually spent a few hours in front of Pixis house, memorizing the times the
old guy took that monster for a walk.
Eren could probably cut one of his legs off, he was pretty sure he had seen
dogs with only three legs at some point. It's not like it would miss one leg if
it could still run. Maybe he could even sent that leg to Pixis for a bit of
persuasion, although that seemed awfully theatrical. It was probably better to
cut the leg off and then do something with the blood. Write a letter. Or just
leave a puddle of it on the floor. Maybe it was better to amputate the paw
rather than the whole leg? He could do a few bloody prints with the paw. That
would be a fun and creative activity, Pixis always advertised those. Nothing
harder to paint over than blood. He had to do it somewhere isolated, though.
That dog would probably be loud, and he needed bandages, he wouldn’t want that
thing to bleed to death. That would accomplish nothing. And a muzzle to keep it
from biting. Animals tend to bite if you cut off parts of them. Eren knew that
because of his cat.
I was just so frustrating. Levi simply did not exist. He wasn’t listed in the
phone book (Eren had actually red trough a real phone book, just for this
idiot), he had no facebook page (no myspace page either, not that anyone still
used that). Not even google search brought anything up. He hadn’t expected
anything because he didn’t know Levi's last name. So he just scanned trough
pages and pages of Levis, but the one he was searching for was nowhere to be
found.
To take his mind off things he decided to take a stroll trough the city. He put
his warmest parka on and took a bottle of rum with him, hiding it in his
rucksack. The usual place under the highway bridge was deserted. So was the
spot on the market place in front of the greengrocery. Finally, he found them
in the undergrade crossing in front of the supermarket. Annie's gang. And the
closest thing to friends he had. He was pulled into a tight hug by Annie. She
was dressed in tight black jeans that had too many holes in them to still be
considered as adequate November wear. Her studded belt pressed uncomfortably
against his pelvis bones and he found himself wiggling out of the hug rather
fast. Annie's naturally blond hair was died green, with a few blue strands half
of it was completely shaven off. “I see, you already got the winter haircut
done.”
She grinned at him. “Fuck a dick, asshole.”
“I brought rum.” Eren revealed the bottle.
“Cheap stuff, but it's appreciated nonetheless.” She grabbed his hand and
pulled him towards the others. They were all dressed in coats that were far too
big for them, it was painfully obvious that they were stolen. The gang was
huddled around a trashbinfire, they were were hidden from view down here. The
cops always chased them off whenever one of them was sighted near the
supermarket because they were infamous for “dubious activities”. Dubious
activities meaning that they raided the place and took everything they manged
to carry before running off.
They all smiled at him as he arrived. Bertolt had a few piercings more, Reiner
was even more buff and Ymir had more freckles.
Reiner took the bottle off his hands and distributed everything equally into
five plastic cups before handing them out. Eren liked it here. He didn’t have
to play pretend with them, they knew when he was feeling bad and they never
judged him. The comfortable silence was only interrupted by the crackling of
wood and the fizzling of flames in the could wind.
“Anyone hungry?” Annie asked when most of the cups were empty. They all nodded.
Eren mostly visited them when he wanted to eat. He brought them a bottle of
liquor and they let him tag along on their robberies. “What time is it?”
Bertolt glanced at his watch before answering: “7.30”
Annie nodded. “Pigs should be gone for the evening. Still I would rather be
sure. Eren would you mind to take a look?”
Eren turned around and took a slow stroll around the supermarket. It was a
flat, drawn out building, the front side was a bank of windows, interrupted by
sliding door, which was also made of glass. Annie was right, there were no
officers in sight, not even any additional security personnel inside of the
market. Eren returned to the shadows guided by Reiner's deep voice as he told a
story from his schooldays to ease their nervousness.
Ymir distributed plastic bags among them, which they hid under their jackets.
All the while Annie explained the plan. “Cover your faces before you get in.
Camera is on the left, so face the right wall. Verman is out. Ymir is in charge
of the booze. Reiner gets the canned stuff. Bertolt, you are the distraction. I
will try to get some warmer clothes and Eren, you know where the meds are,
right?” He nodded. “Just take everything. Preference for things that get us
high. Bertolt, distraction five minutes after we've entered. When you made it
out, get onto the next train or bus, just get away as soon as possible. Meet up
is at the old warehouse, down by the docks.” She looked around once more. Her
pale blue eyes piercing everyone else's. They held her stare, the trust for her
far outweighing their fear. Annie nodded slowly, then turned around and led the
way.
They pulled their hoods up as they reached the glass door and faced towards the
right as they entered. The supermarket was empty, only two female cashiers
chatted, bowed over a magazine. The group separated, each speeding towards the
aisle holding their items. Bertolt lingered around the checkout, and glanced at
Eren shortly, before Eren took off. He was walking as fast as he could, without
running, as that would look suspicious. Somehow the building seemed bigger than
the last time. After searching trough various corridors he finally found the
drugs, with only three minutes left. At that point he was in in hurry, and just
stuffed everything he could into the bags without really caring what it was.
With both bags filled to the brim with rattling containers he casually strolled
back while glancing at the watch. Two minutes left. He scanned the area ahead,
but saw none of the dreaded blue overalls of the supermarket's own security.
One hallway left.
Someone grabbed his shoulder rudely. Pain shot trough him and he whirled
around. Fuck. Kitts Verman. Didn’t Annie say that he was out? He was the only
member of security that actually took his job serious. Too serious most of the
time, he often knocked kids over, whenever he suspected them of stealing
something. As a result he received a lot of complaints, but he still caught a
lot of actual thieves, so the manager just ignored all the people raging about
him.
Verman's face always looked like he was on some kind of drugs. Black bruised
eyes wide open, unhealthy complexion, red hair disheveled and mustache
twitching. And here people claimed that Eren was crazy.
Eren was getting nervous, that asshole was in his personal space. He felt his
heartbeat speeding up, there wasn't much time left to get out. Forcing his
frown into a smile and banning all the things he wanted to scream into the back
of his head. “Sir, please let go of my arm, it hurts.”
The guy's voice was high pitched and really fucking annoying. Pointing at the
bags he said: “You are too young to buy these. Narcotics are only sold to
people who are older than 18.”
Resisting the urge to yank his arm free, Eren said, smile fading: “Yes, sir, I
know. Now if you would please let go of my arm I could bring this to my mother.
She is waiting for me at the checkout. She will buy these.”
“I know you thugs, you'll run if I let let you go. You come along to the
checkout and then we'll see if you mother really is there.” Verman pulled him
along trough the corridor.
There was a loud shattering sound and a scream. Verman loosened his grip and
Eren took it as his sign to run. He freed his arm, hurrying to leave the
hallway he saw two female cashiers crouching next to Bertolt who lay in a
puddle and milk and shards. Bertolt's idea of a distraction was to crash
headfirst into a pyramid of milk bottles, that guy was a genius. Eren saw the
rest of the gang running towards the exit and followed them.
Right as the first one, Annie, reached the exit they heard a gunshot and one of
the windows shattered in front of them. The cashiers screamed and Annie gave
the sign to stop. They turned around, dropped the bags and put their hands up.
Verman stood between the shelves, legs wide apart, both hands on a revolver and
breathing heavy.
The small, blond cashier that had been sitting next to Bertolt got up slowly,
her hands up too and tried to calm the security guard. “Kitts, they are
children. You can't just shoot at children. Please, put the gun down and wait
until the police gets here.”
Verman's voice was painfully high and he seemed to have lost all control as he
screamed. ”The police will just let them go again. They broke the rules. They
have to be punished, and I will make no exceptions just because they are kids.
Thieves are the trash of society, instead of working they rid other peoples of
their hard earned money. They deserve to die.” With that he shot another
bullet.
There was a growl and someone was running. Eren felt a sharp pain shoot trough
his right upper arm and realized that he had been shot. The blond cashier threw
herself at Verman to keep him from shooting another time, but she was only half
his size. He punched her in the stomach and she fell to the floor with a groan.
Annie however had used the time and was now standing in front of him. She
disarmed him with a well aimed kick to his hand. Another fluent motion and she
was cowering behind him, swiping him off his feet with another kick. Next she
was sitting on top of his chest, pinning both of his arms down with her knees.
She had been a celebrated kick-boxing champion before her life on the streets
and it showed.
The others were released from their shock induced rigor and walked towards her
her, Eren clenching his right arm. Verman still screamed, but it was more a
series of shrieked, coped off words. “Thieves.. punish.. humanity.. justice.”
Annie gave him a few slaps to the face until he finally stooped, more to
humiliate him than anything else. Her voice was unmoved as spoke. “Who cares? I
can work my ass off for a little bit of money, or I just take what I need and
relax. It's human nature. The only reason you don't do it is because you're to
big of a coward.”
Reiner smirked at her. “You can stop lecturing him now, he'll never get it. We
have to go, somebody probably heard the gunshots.”
Annie knocked Verman out with one final punch. Ymir was kneeling next to the
blond girl and announced that she was okay.
Annie nodded and said: “Berthold, fetch the money from the cash box, take half
for us, and put the other half into that girl's bag. Reiner, call an
ambulance.” One minute later and they were ready to go. Eren made an attempt to
pick one of the bags up, but Annie snarled at him and carried it herself.
They all hurried to catch the bus. Eren's arm stopped bleeding and the pain
shrunk to a constant throbbing. Half an hour later they reached the abandoned
building at the docks. The wooden walls were moldy from the marine water that
splashed against them. The holes in the ceiling were big enough that they could
watch the stars. Unfortunately the warehouse didn’t provide much warmth or
protection against the cold wind. But they would be save here, at least for the
night. Reiner collected some of the wood that was lying around and lit a fire
in on of the empty barrels. It was neither especially warm nor bright and the
damp wood produced a shitload of smoke, but it provided at least a bit of
comfort.
They sat down and Annie asked Eren to take his coat off, so she could take a
look at the wound, while the others roamed happily trough the bags and bragged
about the loot. Eren got rid of the jacket and sweater and felt like he was
freezing. Annie ordered him to move his arm to check if any bones or sinews
were broken or ripped, but other than the pain it seemed to be okay. There was
no exit wound so they would have to get the bullet out somehow.
Annie held a knife into the fire to disinfect it before she asked: “You sure
that you don't want any vicodin? Because this will hurt”
“It's okay.”
Ymir handed him a cup. “You can at least get a bit drunk.”
Eren took a sip and grimaced. “What the fuck is that? It tastes like unicorn
piss.”
“It's pina colada.”
Annie sighed heavily. “You know Ymir, when I said alcohol I didn’t mean
cocktails. I meant stuff that actually gets you drunk.”
“It gets you drunk, you just have to drink more till you get there. But it
tastes so much better than the stuff we usually have. At least try it before
you complain.” She said, frowning.
Annie rolled her eyes exaggeratedly and Eren felt a tug at his heart. “I'm not
getting drunk before sticking a knife in his arm.”
Poining at the scars, Ymir smirked. “Have you looked at him? He probably get's
off on it.”
Eren snarled at her. “Yeah, but I wouldn’t worry about it as long as I have to
look at your face.”
Ymir got up and sat down between Rainer and Bertold a few feet away.
“Is little Ymir butthurt?” Reiner laughed. She flipped him the finger, and they
kept on mocking each other playfully.
Annie sighed at them. “Children. Anyway, Eren, why are you here?” She began to
dig for the bullet and he gasped. It was very painful. When he hurt himself he
was the one in control, he was making a decision. The pain was like a dog and
the knife was the leash. Now the pain just shot trough him, deep and beyond his
control. His mind slipped away, and he felt the old numbness, the dizziness
arise. Unfortunately, Annie wasn’t one to be ignored. She repeated her question
until he was back in reality again.
“What do you mean?”
“You didn’t come here to eat. Normally you join us when you are hungry, but
there is food lying right in front of you and you never even looked at it.”
Annie knew him better than anyone else, but he still tried to fool her. “I got
shot, maybe i'm not in the mood to eat.”
She gave him a look that directly translated to "You're so stupid, it's not
even funny anymore."
“All right, all right. So like..” he paused “Like if you give somebody your
number, and it's a week later and they still haven’t called you...” He trailed
off.
Her words were slow and clear, but her stare told him to hurry up before she
lost her temper. “Eren. You know perfectly well that waiting a weak before
calling is totally acceptable. You probably know every social rule in
existence. For fucks sake, just get on with it.”
“There is this guy that I like and he hasn't called me back and i'm loosing
sleep over it and I can't even think of anything else. It drives me crazy. I
need him to like me. He is perfect for me. What is his fucking problem? If I
could just go on with my plan, that would be great. Because I have so many
things to do. I need to befriend him, I need to get him so stop his therapy.
Then I have to get rid of his friends and somehow convince him to start self-
harming again. But I can't do anything until he calls me and..”
Chapter End Notes
     No imaginary dogs were hurt in the writing of this story. The
     imaginary cat however, is dead.
     I know this is a confusing ending, but the chapter was getting too
     long and I had to stop somewhere.
***** Regret *****
Chapter Summary
     Anyone missed Levi?
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Annie nodded and hummed affirmatively all throughout his ranting, while still
searching for the bullet. Suddenly she stopped and raised an eyebrow at Eren.
He had no idea what was happening until he realized that it was in fact his
ringtone that had interpreted her. He fiddled with his phone to take the call.
“Shouldn't you be in bed right now?” Smooth voice and annoying comments, as
usual.
“Maybe I would be in bed if you hadn't woken me, asshole.”
Levi chuckled and Eren couldn't help but smile at the sound. ”You are a
teenager, aren't you supposed to be a rebel? Smoke, listen to The Cure and
staying up late?”
“Firstly, I’m either supposed to be in bed or be a rebel and stay up late. Pick
one. And secondly, I think I'm about 20 years too late for The Cure.”
Eren imagined Levi perking up his eyebrows. “Fuckmuppet. One is never too late
for The Cure. Go and buy yourself some taste in music. Anyway, what are you
doing if you are still up?”
“Want the inconvenient truth or the reassuring lie?”
There was a short silence. “I prefer the truth, no matter how inconvenient it
might be.” His tone was way to serious for this conversation.
At least Levi wouldn't think that he was boring. “Well, Annie is trying to get
a bullet out of my arm.”
“WHAT the actual fuck, brat? Tell that Annie to stop what she's doing and tell
me where you are!” If Eren didn’t knew better he would have thought that Levi's
voice was distressed. But the very thought of actually Levi being concerned
about him was ridiculous.
“Levi, relax. We disinfected the knife. There is...”
There was a dangerously low growl. “I don't fucking care. Tell me where you are
or I swear to god I rip your ball off and make you swallow them.”
“Jesus. The warehouse down at the docks. But..” There was a hooting telling him
that the other had ended the call.
Annie looked at him questioningly. Eren shrugged. “He's coming over.”
“I suppose that was the gentleman whose call you so longingly awaited?” She
smirked.
“Don't smile like that, it's creepy.”
“Aren't you glad that you got shot?”
“Shut up.” He tried to hide his blush by taking another sip of the pina colada.
It was however pretty much in vain as Annie shouted. “Guys, Eren's crush is
coming over. I want you all to be on your best behavior and embarrass the
living shit out of him.” Everyone shouted in agreement.
Fifteen minutes and one cocktail later and Levi was opening the squeaking
wooden doors. He ignored the others and looking at Eren he asked: ”Aren't you
cold, brat?”
“Well yeah, but we couldn't really do this when I was still wearing my jacket,
so...” Levi wordlessly took a blanket out of one of the bag he was carrying and
draped it over Eren's shoulders in a way that the gunshot was still uncovered.
There was a warm feeling swelling inside of Eren's stomach that was entirely
uncalled for. A feeling he had buried five years ago, and a weakness he would
never again allow.
“Seeing how you let some punk stick a knife into your arm, I take it that I
can't bring you to the hospital.” It wasn't a question and Eren didn't answer.
Annie however felt inclined to defend herself. “I make do with what I have. I
couldn’t just..”
Levi shot her one ice glare, silencing her instantly. He took a metal tray a
set of instruments, a bottle with disinfectant, string, gauze, a syringe, a
little glass jar with what Eren believed to be an anesthetic, muslin bandages,
a box with gloves and medical tape out of the bag and placed it all on the
tray.
Eren chuckled, the alcohol working it's magic. “Wouldn’t it be easier to bring
the whole operating room? Are you a doctor or something?”
Levi took his arm and moved up, down and sideways, before nodding approvingly.
He then put the gloves on and soaked a gauze piece in disinfectant, before
swiping the area around the gunshot with it. “Or something.” he huffed. Eren
didn’t push further, it was obvious that the other didn’t want to talk about
it. Levi seized the glass container full of anesthetic, pierced the lid with
the syringe and filled the cylinder with the clear fluid. The others finally
relaxed and they talked and drank again, any aspirations of embarrassing Eren
forgotten. He was thankful for Levi's intimidating aura.
Levi punched the needle every which way trough his arm and Eren was pretty sure
that it couldn’t have hurt any more if he had removed the bullet without
narcotics. But he suppressed the impulse to wince and focused on Levi's face
instead.
His eyes were quicksilver, versatile, bright and concentrated on nothing but
his current task. Eren followed Levi's precise movements as he picked an
instrument, a pair of pincers, with a slim, curved tip. It took only a few
second for him to immerse the tip of the instrument in the wound, grasp the
bullet and pull it back out. He dropped the blood stained missilepiece onto the
tray.
Eren was amazed, this couldn’t be the first time Levi had done this. “That was
fast.”
Levi glanced at him in something that could have been pride, but it was gone a
second later and he snorted. “Your mother was fast, brat. Now to reverse the
damage Madam Annie here caused with her butcher knife.”
Annie shot him a suspicious glance. Her eyes were icy shards piercing into the
unrelenting steel of Levi's. He didn’t back down and after a moment she
shrugged, leting out a “hmpf” of disapproval and turning away.
“You do realize that she would be the only one helping me if you weren't here,
right? You anger is rather unjustified, by rights you should be angry with me,
not her.”
“Oh shut up, brat. I am pissed at you but if it weren’t for her, there probably
wouldn’t even be a gunshot wound to worry about. You could have picked better
friends.” His voice was calm but the look he gave Annie was venomous.
Eren was fed up with this. Why was Levi so overprotective but still waited a
week before calling him? Why did he act like he genuinely liked him in one
moment and in the next he wanted Eren to do a therapy? Couldn't that idiot
decide what the fuck he wanted? Eren hated it when people meddled with his
affairs. He poured all his anger of the last week into his speech. “You don’t
get to decide shit about my life because you are not part of it. I have seen
you two fucking times. You are not my family, neither are you my friend, so you
don't have any say in which people I choose to surround myself with.”
Levi prepared a needle and some string and began to stitch up the wound. He
hadn’t looked at him during his outburst and he continued to avoided Eren's
eyes. “Just don't come running when you end up in prison because of her.”
“Yeah, and if it were up to you, you'd lock me up in a mental hospital. No
thank you, I prefer jail.” Some of his frustration showed, no matter how hard
he tried to hide it.
Levi's voice was unmoved and his hands were steady as he guided the needle
though his skin. His eyes were fixated at his work. “You have no fucking idea
what you are talking about, brat. If you had a razor blade in prison you'd use
it to kill. You would have bigger problems then cutting yourself: Compared to
that, the ward is a magical fairytail world. Especially for you because they
would just fucking devour you in prison.” Eren guessed that Levi must have had
some kind of a personal experience in prison. There was so much he didn’t know
about him.
The older male cut the string and bandaged his arm before putting everything
back into the bag. Wiping the missile clean and placing it at Eren's palm, he
still avoided to look at Eren's face. “You made it clear that you don’t want
that therapy. However, I appreciate that you were honest with me this time. If
there is a problem with the wound, text me. If not, send a message in 10 days
so I can remove the string.”
By now the need to see Levi's eyes again was almost painful, but he forced his
attention to the bullet instead. He wouldn’t show weakness. It was a very
strange feeling to hold something that had been inside of him. Something that
potentially could have killed him. How could something so small end a life?
Just like that? Was life supposed to be so fucking fragile that anything was
able to end it at any second? Was it worth so little? Was it really so
pointless? When he looked back up, Levi was gone.
Annie sat down next to him again, handing him another cocktail. It was blue and
tasted like bubblegum this time. “Out of all the passive aggressive smurfs in
the world, Eren...”
He didn’t even notice the sarcasm. “You haven’t seen him. He is perfect. His
scars are perfect.”
She punched his shoulder, thankfully the left one. “Being stupid is all right,
but you don’t have to make a profession out of it. You feel something for him.
And it's more than simple sexual attraction. It took two years until you
stopped lying to me. With him it was two days. Doesn’t that tell you
something?”
Eren put his sweater and jacket back on. “It doesn’t matter if I am honest or
not, when he doesn’t like the true me. He wants me to become all mentally
stable and I want him to become all mentally fucked up. However, I have the
easier approach. He was fucked up once before, when I never really was mentally
stable.” He smirked slightly and she ruffled his hair.
Ymir interrupted the conversation. “I just had the best idea, maybe we should
leave the city for a bit. Just until everything calmed down. Verman is probably
making a really big deal out of this. Especially because Annie bitch-slapped
him.” They all laughed. “I always wanted to visit Rose.”
Annie nodded. “Disappearing is a good idea. But Rose is bullshit, they do
background checks. They don't want Maria trash in their precious city. We could
go to Trost, though.”
Bertolt and Reiner exchanged worried looks, before Bertolt objected. “I heard
it's gotten even worse after we left. We shouldn’t go. It's not worth it. I'm
not going back there.”
“Jean assured me that there wouldn’t be any problem. It's a great chance to
make some money, and he offered us protection.” Annie argued.
“It's Jean we're talking about. How often did he stay true to his word in the
past? If we go, we'll end up dead in some alleyway.” It was strange to see
Reiner scared. He actually shivered, but he had nothing on Bertolt. Bertolt was
soaked with sweat, eyes widened in horror.
Annies tone was determined. “Well, either we stay here and probably get into
trouble with the police or we go to Trost. There isn't really any other choice.
It's not like we could get into Rose or Sina somehow.”
Berthold surrendered. He knew that the fight was lost once Annie made up her
mind. “Alright. But please, Annie, promise that we won't make any deals with
Jean. Getting involved with him is more trouble than it's worth.”
“We'll try to stay clear. But I can't make any promises if he asks me directly.
It would be too much of a risk to go against his will.” Annie decided. “Eren,
you can take some of our supplies, so you'll make it through the month without
our help.”
Eren chuckled. “Like I’m not coming with you.”
“Don't you have school or something? And Trost is no place for a kid. It's
dangerous, there is too much death and drugs and crime.”
“You should work on your rhetorical skills. If that was supposed to frighten me
off, it didn’t work very well. It sounded rather enticing. Besides, holidays
are coming up. And I am only one year younger than Ymir, even if she looks like
60” Ymir flipped him off and he blew her a kiss before continuing with
determination. “I promise I can handle myself.”
Annie grinned. “Isn't there some midget that you'd miss?”
He couldn’t quite banish the bitterness from his voice. “You heard him. His
only concern is to institutionalize me and I’m not doing it. I'm not giving up
my freedom and everything that I am so they can binge me on pills and shackle
me to a bed.”
“Poor little Eren is heartbroken.” Ymir snickered. “ Don't worry, there are
enough guys in Trost that would love to help you to get over it.”
Annie's light blue eyes softened. “So it's decided, Eren comes with us. We have
enough supplies to last for a while and enough money to pay for transportation.
There is nothing that holds us here. We can leave tomorrow with the 10 o'clock
train.”
Everyone nodded. Eren grabbed his rucksack and excused himself with a wave.
He'd be back soon enough. There were some things he needed to take care of
before he would be able to leave.
The city lay quiet as he waited by the bus stop. Somewhere far away he heard
laughter ripping through the silence. Loud people were a nuisance. How could
they be so oblivious to the night? Darkness demanded silence and respect. But
people never really got that. Every giggling teenager, walking through a dark
alleyway at night, definitely deserved what they got, in the movies at least.
Thirty minutes later he was home. Loud snoring on the couch and he knew that
his father was home. Holidays would begin in a month but they probably threw
him out if he was absent for as long as four weeks. Eren needed a proper
education if he wanted to get a decent job, however, missing a month in 9th
grade wouldn’t kill him. He had to present them with a reason for skipping
school, to make sure he would be able to return once the holidays were over.
His father ignored him most of the time, but there was one thing he actually
cared for. Eren wrote a note.
Grisha,
good morning, I locked the cabinet. If you want the alcohol, I’d suggest you
call my principal and tell them him that I am ill with the Epstein-Barr virus
and that I will be spending the next month with my aunt in the countryside to
recover. When I confirmed your call, I'll text you the location of the key. Do
us both a favor and just do what I say. We both know that one phone call is far
easier then you trying to pick that lock with a drill. In your intoxicated
state you will most likely damage not only yourself but also the precious
bottles. And you wouldn’t want that.
There was no need to sign it, his father would be cursing his name soon enough.
Eren locked the cabinet, hid the key and taped the note to the door. He packed
a change of clothes into the backpack and felt strangely free as he left the
flat.
Chapter End Notes
     Never will there be a fic of mine where Levi doesn’t complain about
     Eren's taste in music.
     Thanks for all the Comments and Kudos and Bookmarks on the last
     chapters, I'm glad you liked it. If you want to share your thoughts,
     leave a comment.
***** Contemptuousness or the longest day Part I *****
Chapter Summary
     The gang travels to Trost and meets The Corps.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The train cabin was in a bad state. It smelled like piss and it was
disgustingly dirty. But at least they had it for themselves, probably because
Reiner played some shitty dubstep on his ghetto blaster. It was one of these
gigantic, old things with speakers on both sides. The sound was decent enough,
it was just Reiner's taste in music that sucked balls. Still, with the totter
of the train Eren felt comfortable enough to fall asleep. His head leaned
against the cold light of the window and his knees pressed against his chest on
the stained seat cover. He wanted to be awake when they reached Trost, after
all it promised to be an exiting stay. Controlled by gangs and corrupt
politicians, with a death rate of at least three people a day, Trost was a
rather dangerous city. It was the one city that supplied all others with drugs.
Eren planned to socialize with the right people, and maybe he would be provided
with a much needed holiday job. He rarely showed it, but he despised his
destitution.
The train came to a halt and his head collided forcefully with Reiner's
shoulder. “You are painful.” he said, voice rough and his mind still dazed with
sleep.
Reiner grinned down at him. “That's what she said.” He waited a few moments for
the other ones to laugh, but all he got was a pitying glance from Ymir, so he
continued. “You should be up anyway, kid, we arrive soon.”
Eren stretched, raising his arms and arching his back, his spine creaked. He
looked around, their bags and backpacks were scattered everywhere. The rest of
the passengers had to climb over them if they wanted to leave. Seeing them
struggling and stumbling was a decent enough entertainment. Annie and Ymir were
sitting next to each other, boots on the seats opposite of them. Annie caught
his glance and smiled. Pointing towards a window she spoke: ”Have a look at
Trost.”
Trost was dark, since a haze dome blocked most of the sunlight. The remaining
light only served to illuminate the desolate state of the buildings. The
streets were dark and run down, people hurrying through the shadows like rats,
hounded by constant danger. The city could only be described as ugly. He knew
the reason for this, the industry, the many factories and their waste that
soiled the neighborhood. Still the darkness and desolation had their own
appeal, a sick and twisted hopelessness. The city somehow managed to keep a
spark, though, a spark that allowed the inhabitants to believe that they
somehow would succeed. That they would be rich, favored by fortune and able to
leave this noxious place one day. That was why the gangs were so popular, drug
trafficking promised quick success, despite it's obvious risks.
Annie retrieved her backpack and roamed trough it. She revealed three small
revolvers, they were old, similar to the guns used in a western. Reiner and
Bertold each got one of them and a few cartridges, while she kept the third.
Next were knives, she had four of them, all with a sheath and a six inch blade.
She looked around. “Who wants one? As we only have four, I could do without
one.”
“Nah, you take it.” Eren fetched his butterfly knife from his pocket. The two
parts of the handle were a dim silver, adorned with neatly lined, small holes.
The blade was five inches long and slim with an elegant curve that connected
the edge to the tip. He gazed at it affectionately before releasing the latch.
Eren began to twirl it skillfully, the knife entwined with his fingers in a
quick and alluring dance. The polished silvery steel shined beautifully even in
the hazy sunlight and as the knife seized to move, the blade had left her
concealment within the handles.
He looked up, honestly surprised at the astonished looks he got. The trick had
been performed mostly for the sake of bragging, but surely they hadn’t believed
him to be completely defenseless? The sheer incredulity on everyone’s faces
however, was downright insulting. He sounded more than a bit sarcastic as he
asked. “You really believe that I don’t know how to use a fucking knife?” With
another skillful spin the blade was hidden within the bite and safe handle
again. He slid the latch back into place and pocketed the balisong.
“Now that you say it it kind of makes sense.” Ymir shrugged.
They got off the train and Eren found it rather hard to breath. The air felt
thick and slimy in his throat, laced with soot. After a few minutes he got used
to the feeling, and breathing didn’t felt so smothering anymore. He looked
around in curiosity as they walked towards the city center. The people around
here were as ruined as their houses. Their attire often dirty and their
expressions always worried, the sorrows permanently edged into their faces with
deep lines and wrinkles. Not that Eren had any reason to complain, his last
shower had been 3 days ago, as was a change of clothes. Most buildings had
brick walls, the stone being bright red once. The constant pollution swelling
from the farbric's chimneys however, had colored them to a dull gray.
“We'll be there in a few minutes”, Annie said, ”and I want to remind everyone
to leave the talking to me. Jean is an arrogant asshole. This is his territory
and we have don't want to attract any unwanted attention. Therefore we have to
keep to the rules.”
Everyone nodded, Bertold sweating even more then usual while Reiner murmured
“This is a bad idea” over and over.
Annie continued: “I know we ignored these rules in our day-to-day life, but the
other gangs take them very seriously. Bert and Reiner are already familiar with
them, but I will explain them again for Ymir and Eren. There are certain ranks
in a gang. Me and Jean are rank one, because we are gang leaders. Marco, one of
Jeans associates demands to be recognized as a leader as well, but in reality
he is just Jean's little whore, a rank two. I can afford to challenge him but
you can not, he is known to be vicious if you disrespect him. Reiner is my
second in command, hence a rank two. Bertold and Ymir are rank three and Eren
is a rookie, rank four. You address everyone with a higher rank as sir or
madam, so I am Madam Annie for the lot of you.”
The puzzle piece fell into place. Levi had called her Madam Annie yesterday. So
he knew of the gangs and he was familiar with their rules. Everything Eren
ascertained about Levi only served to confuse him further. The image of Levi's
character evaded him every time he tried to grasp it. It was as though he was
trying to catch smoke with his bare hands. Fucking frustrating.
“I know it probably seems unimportant to you, but we have to keep up
appearances. The hierarchy must be kept to at all times, it is the only rule
that you'll have to care about for now. This is a tradition for us, it becomes
important once we interact with other gangs. Basically there rules state how
the gangs treat each other and how the members interact. It ensures discipline
and respect within the gang and in between gangs. Ignore the rules and you will
be severely punished. You won't have to bow down or anything, but you need to
enter their headquarter according to your rank. Reiner walks to my right, but
he has to stay one foot behind me at all times. Behind him there’s Ymir and
Bert, Bert to my right because he had been a member for 3 years, which is
longer than Ymir. Eren walks behind the two of them, on the left side. This
shows that he is a new member and people will keep that in mind when he fucks
up. We are The Titans and Jean named his group of idiots The Survey Corps.”
Annie tugged at Eren's sweater and they fell back. Her voice was low and the
threat was evident: “Eren, I know you get angry easily, but you really have to
stay calm. Don't talk back, whatever they say. They will try to provoke you and
use you as a warning. For fucks sake, control yourself this one time. Otherwise
you may endanger all of us.”
“All right, Madam.” he chuckled. ”I told you, I can handle myself. No need to
worry.” It was rather adorable to see the Annie being so worked up about him.
To be fair, Eren had been in a lot of fights, and he wasn't one to just take an
insult. But he was fairly sure that he would be able to keep his composure.
They changed positions according to their rank and reached a building that must
have been a plant once, four stories high and three round chimneys on the flat
roof. The windows were dirty but intact, which was more than he could say about
the houses next to it. Two brawny guys blocked the entrance, their expressions
extraordinarily dull. They knocked at the door and stepped aside as Annie
climbed the five stairs in front of the building and entered first. Eren was
last to slip trough the massive iron doors.
The Survey Corps had a throne room. A very fucked up throne room, but a throne
room, nonetheless. It was rather gloomy because most of the light bulbs were
dead, but it suited the atmosphere. The calm before the storm. The first part
of the first and second floor weren’t separated, so the room was 30 feet high,
with four elevators on the right side. The walls were pretty much covered with
posters, some of them advertising bands, others animals, there also were a few
ones that looked like The Corps had drawn them themselves. At the back of the
room there was staircase, leading to a balustrade that made it possible to
enter the rooms on the second floor. There were wooden boxes lined all along
the walls, people sat on a few of them. It evoked the distant tingling of
threat in Eren. In the middle of the room was a podium build from pallets, as
were the stairs in front of it. The throne on top of the podium was an armchair
made out of dark wood with a crimson velvet covering.
The person sitting on the throne was apparently Jean, wearing boots, blue
jeans, a black shirt and a Harrington style jacket. His hair was ash-brown,
while his undercut was a darker, richer color. As they walked closer, Eren was
able to see that Jean's iris were rather small and resembled amber that was
brought to shine by rays on sunlight. Despite the somehow pretty color it gave
him a dangerous look. He had a strong jawline and his face was a bit long, but
it looked good on him. Not half as good as Levi though, and Eren realized this
with both a sense of assurance and uneasiness. Jean was tall and lean and could
have looked regal on the throne, if it weren't for his eased posture, his legs
hanging over the left armrest of the chair.
Jean smiled, it appeared more vicious than welcoming. “Annie, it's so nice to
see you again. Where are your old members?”
“You killed them, Jean.” Her voice was calm, but her eyes were blazing with
hate. Eren had no knowledge of this incident and he briefly wondered why Annie
had never talked about it. Despite their long friendship she still seemed to
have reservations about him. He would have though lesser of her if she didn’t.
But why did she bring them here, and why did she still trust Jean?
Jean snickered, amusement glistening in his eyes. “Right, I remember now.
Anyway, you got new ones. You even brought Bertolt and Reiner, spares me the
strain to hunt them down myself. Hand them over, please, they still need to be
executed.” The other members of the Survey Corps got up and were slowly closing
in on them. Right, that was why he felt threatened, The Corps members were
quite a few more than them.
Annie shook her head, there was something in her expression that all but
screamed “Don't fucking push me.”: “Remember our deal, you are to leave them
alone. They are Titans now.”
The person sitting on the right armrest of the Throne, probably Marco spoke up.
He was as tall as Jean, with short, brown hair, and freckles. His eyes were a
dark, earthy brown and bigger than Jean's, he had a small chin and a soft
jawline. He looked less threatening and more kind than Jean, all in all, more
feminine. His olive shirt was paired with black jeans and boots. He had two
pistols in holsters around his shoulders and a hunting knife around his thigh.
Marco smiled sweetly, but the the emotion never reached his eyes, it looked
aggravatingly fake. “They are traitors Annie, surely you know that. Dishonoring
The Corps is punishable by death, as it is written in the rules. However,
because we are truly merciful, they get to decide if they want to be shot,
hanged or beheaded.”
“Don't talk to me. Just because you are getting fucked by a leader doesn’t mean
that you are one, yourself.” Annie's gaze was pure ice now. “And if you want to
talk rules, read them first. They paid their debts and you didn’t come for them
in three years, the crime is barred.”
Marco gritted his teeth but he didn’t dare to speak again. Jean rubbed his
shoulder appeasingly. “Forgive him, he is still young, his passion runs wild
from time to time.” Beckoning for his gang to relax and get back, he continued.
“I see you also have a puppy.” Jean looked at directly at Eren now. “What is
your name?”
Jean apparently had a way with charming people. He distracted Marco with his
touch while he insulted him with his words, and that idiot didn’t even noticed
it. He was oblivious to the fact that Jean had just called him a puppy and
basically placed him on the same rank as Eren. “My name is Eren, sir.” he
answered, carefully.
“He is quite cute, wouldn’t you agree Marco? And so polite. You could learn a
thing or two from him.” Jean's eyes twinkled with amusement while Marco
frowned, this was obvious enough even for him. “Would you like to become a
member of The Survey Corps, Eren?”
Eren smirked. This was what he knew. Pleasant conversation, all the while
backstabbing your opponent with snappy remarks. “Thank you, sir, but I’m rather
attached to my life and I don’t do so well as a lapdog.” He ignored Marco's
deathly glare, aware that Jean merely used him to annoy Marco, while
transferring Marco's aggression onto him. He played along for the sake of the
game, and because he was most curious about the outcome.
“You'd look excellent on my lap, nonetheless.” Jean said, voice calm and
unwavering, as though he hadn’t noticed the suggestion in his words. He got up
and followed the stairs until he stood in front of Annie, offering her his palm
and she placed her hand in his. Jean blew a kiss on the air above her hand
before locking eyes with Eren. ”I expect you in my office at nine.” The
sentence was said with the utmost authority, this man was used to giving
orders, seeing them followed immediately and without question. Eren resisted
the strong urge to decline, solely to see his confidence crumble. “Sasha will
guide you to your rooms, while I have a little talk with Annie in private.”
Jean and Annie, her hand still elegantly placed in his, left towards the
staircase.
Eren took Annie's backpack, then they all followed Sasha to the elevator. Sasha
introduced herself as a rank three. She was a little smaller than Eren, had
chocolate brown hair and caramel eyes. Somehow everything about her appeared
food-colored, probably because she carried a chocolate bar in every hand. They
entered the elevator and she pressed the button for the third floor. The
elevator rattled and bounced on the way up, Bertolt jumped and catched hold of
Reiner's shoulder. Sasha looked at him sympathetically. “You'll get used to it,
this thing is just old.” Bertolt seemed more panicked. ”But still solid, very
solid.” She knocked at the iron walls, the elevator replied with a dangerous
screech, as though it intended to prove her wrong. “Just take a piece of
chocolate, it'll calm you down.” The girl shoved the chocolate into Bert's
face. He shook his head, face now an unhealthy shade of lime. She shrugged and
took a hearty bite out of both bars, which made him go even greener.
Chapter End Notes
     I'm sorry for making so many people evil.
***** Downfall or the longest day Part II *****
Chapter Summary
     Yay, early update. You may have noticed the new warning. There will
     be a non-con blowjob and violent thoughts in this chapter, if you are
     not comfortable with this then you can read until you reach this
     sentence, and stop there.
     Jean was right in front of him now. “You're way to smart for your own
     good, kid. Still, you have no idea how to use that smart. Get on your
     knees.”
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
They reached the third floor. This must have been the floor for the employees,
long corridors with several doors to each side. “Just take whatever room you
want.” Sasha explained. “Bathroom and showers are at the end of the corridor.”
Each door led to a small room with a filing cabinet, a shelf, a chair in front
of a desk and a bed. The bedframe was made from metal, a lying surface with a
head and foot section that could be disassembled within half a minute. Eren
knew these beds, the military had the same ones, as did the prison from what he
had seen on tv. But he actually was painfully familiar with how uncomfortable
they were. The mattress was so slim and the bed frame so hard, that it didn’t
do much difference weather you slept in the bed or on the ground. Back when he
still had a family they visited relatives in Germany. His uncle was a janitor
in a student dorm, he had brought a few of these beds for the huge family
gathering as they didn’t have enough inflatable mattresses to accommodate
everyone. Halfway throughout the night Eren had gotten out of the bed and moved
the mattress and his sleeping bag to the floor. At least the floor didn’t
squeak and squeal at every movement.
There was a small radiator in each room and they were warm, at least warmer
than what they were used to. The Titans slept on the streets most of the time
and his father hadn’t payed any bills in what seemed like ages. Wiretapping had
at least allowed him to have internet and electricity for his computer.
It was obvious that the little rooms had been individual offices once and that
somebody had just placed an additional bed in them. He still appreciated the
effort. The room had managed to keep it's old office vibes of
boredom,desperation and rotten, curled up corpses of hope. There were still
files in the cabinet, Eren red a few of them while being sprawled lazily across
the bed. Apparently the factory went out of business five years ago, it had
produced ball-bearings. He wondered what had happened to the workers and their
families. Did they find a new job? Maybe some of these workers were in Jean's
gang right now, oblivious or not about the danger they were in.
Eren decided that there was a better use for his time then thinking. He called
his homeroom teacher, who confirmed that Eren's father had indeed called. After
many apologies from Eren and many “No-problems” and “Get-well-soons” from his
teacher he hung up and texted his father the location of the key. Inside of his
mum's old cookie jar on the cupboard in the kitchen. He had blown the dust from
the white porcelain, revealing the violets and butterflies on it. It had always
been his mother's favorite, the familiar smell of fresh chocolate chip cookies
still clung to it when he had opened the lid and placed the key inside. His
father would probably destroy it on his crazed quest for alcohol, and Eren
couldn’t bring himself to feel anything more then a dull indifference about it.
A knock on his door startled him. “Conference in Ymir's room in 2.” He got up
and joined the others in Ymir's room, curious about the reason for the get
together. Annie had returned from her chat with Jean. She seemed agitated and
worried. “Jean wants us to work for him, but I declined and it's okay. We
should still proceed with the utmost caution, I have a feeling that he's
planning something. Please everyone, be on your best behavior. There is no room
for mistakes, even the slightest one would suffice as a reason for him to kill
us.”
She turned to Eren, eyes so bright they were almost silver. “He wants to talk
to you at nine. Don't provoke him. Think before you say something. Stay calm.
Think about the rules. He'll try to manipulate you, don't believe a word he
says.”
Slight annoyance tainted his voice. “Jeez, Annie, I got this. I'm not running
around challenging people to fight. I can take care of myself.” He wasn’t a
child anymore. Didn’t he already prove that he was able to stand his ground
against Jean?
Ymir interfered before Annie had time for a response. “So Eren, you already
caught his eye? That was probably the fastest sugar-daddy switch in history.
You are one heartless bastard. That short guy is probably at home crying
himself to sleep. But still, if you intend to keep Jean's attention on you, we
should get you dressed properly. Tell you something, you take a shower, while I
compose the right outfit for you. If you intend to be Jean's new whore, you
should at least look the part.” There was a viciousness in her eyes, she had
clearly intended the words to hurt. Still, they didn't. Probably not half as
much as she wished but still double than he was used to.
While the warm water streamed over his body he thought about Levi. He couldn't
imagine Levi crying over anyone. Eren wished he actually had the power to make
Levi cry. He felt exited at that thought and ignored the slight pinch of guilt.
Levi deserved to feel the pain. He deserved to feel hurt. He deserved to feel
worthless. And not good enough. He deserved to feel all the things he made Eren
feel.
Ymir succeeded in dressing him like a prostitute, if Bertolt and Reiner
blushing was any indication. He just rolled with it, if only to infuriate Marco
further. He regretted it as soon as he was forced into black leather pants that
were two sizes too small. Ymir added a studded belt, black leather boots and
wide leather bracelets. His hands were covered in fingerless gloves and she
gave him a rather short leather jacket.
“Shouldn’t I wear a shirt or something?”
A bothered sigh was answer enough and he slipped into the stiff material before
she even said the words: “Just get into the damn jacket.”
The jacket left his forearms, chest and a part of his stomach exposed. Ymir
painted his nails black and smeared black eyeliner around his eyes. The look
was completed by a few, long silver chains around his neck and he still felt
utterly naked. Probably because he was.
Ymir tilted her head and looked at him appreciatively while ruffling his hair:
“I did it to make you look ridiculous, but actually you look kind of good.”
As Eren stood in front of Jean's office he debated on entering or just leaving.
But then a peculiar sound spiked his curiosity. Somebody shrieked. Like a
funking banshee. Barely restrained anger and a dash of desperation. “You are
mine. I stayed with you all this time. I did everything for you.” A sob broke
the words and Marco choked on his rage. “You will not trow everything away
because of some boy. I won't let you. You know I love you. You will regret this
and you will crawl back to me on your knees.” His voice was nearly
unrecognizable, strained to the point of breaking. Switching between demand and
plea. “I will not take you back. I deserve better. If you go now, you are dead
to me.”
There was a soft chuckle. “This is my office. I won't be the one leaving. Now
get the fuck out.” Jean seemed entirely unaffected by Marco's screaming.
Eren decided that this was his cue to leave, however, right as he turned
around, the door was opened roughly. He veered towards the door again and saw
Marco, whose eyes darkened as he looked up and down Eren's body, no doubt
noticing the revealing attire. “He'll never love you. You'll be just another
bitch for him. Maybe he'll bend you over his desk, but you will never lie in
his bed, never watch him while he sleeps and never be there when he wakes.
Because he will never love you.” The words were thrown at him in disgust, but
his eyes were still more desperate than disgusted.
As if Eren didn’t knew that. He cringed inwardly, Marco was making a total fool
out of himself. Smirking confidently he placed a hand on Marco's shoulder. “Why
don’t you let him decide that, sweety, ah sir.“
Marco shrugged his hand off. He lifted his hands, curling his fingers to fists
and moved his legs further apart, as if to hit him. Eren mirrored his pose,
excited for the fight. Adrenaline cursing to his body. He felt alert and ready
to punch the shit out of this disgrace of a gang member. Instead, Marco dropped
his fists and his eyes watered. Some part of Eren drank the tears as though he
had been in a desert for all his life. Make them cry. Make them suffer. Make
feel your pain. Eren allowed himself a dismissive smirk and Marco stormed off.
He shrugged and entered Jean's room. It was designed for one sole purpose,
intimidation. His desk and chair were on a platform. Even while sitting he
towered Eren by one foot. The desk itself was gigantic and expensive looking,
probably fake mahogany. These cheap tricks wouldn’t work on him, though. He sad
town in front of the desk, still confident and calm.
Jean looked down on him with a smile that looked almost predatory. “You look so
much better in this, Eren.” He coaxed. “Did you get all dressed up for me?”
He rolled his eyes, a bit disappointed because Jean obviously believed him to
fall for fluttery. “You can drop the act. You are not interested in me. And I
merely play this little game of yours because I have fun fucking with people.
Marco ran off crying like a little bitch, so I guess I was successful, which is
pleasing, especially when I remember how long it took to get into those pants.”
He looked at the leather, wrapped around his thighs like a second skin. “Look,
whyever you do this to him, powerplay, or because you want him to be jealous,
or to test his loyalty, I don’t really care. What I want is to make some money,
and I assume you can help me there, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t
think that you can manipulate everyone that easy just because you are usually
surrounded by idiots, sir.” He sounded too sarcastic so he forced himself to
calm down, to control his flaring temper.
Jean's eyes were turning darker. Though it could have been the flickering
lights as well. Whatever it was, Eren regretted his words immediately. He felt
danger, it was creeping up to him, hidden in the shadows. There had been enough
instances where he had nothing left but his instincts and they hadn’t led him
astray. He would have to get up and get out of here as soon as possible. Eren
concentrated on his legs, willing them to stop shivering and start walking.
There was a clicking noise and he looked up, realizing that Jean had gotten up
and aimed a pistol at his head. Not a chance in hell that he would miss at this
distance. And no Levi to remove another bullet from his body. The leader walked
around his desk and made the little jump from the podium to the floor.
Strolling towards Eren he seemed like he had all the time in the world, while
Eren's legs shivered even more. He felt like the deer looking at the headlight.
The panic flooded trough him, and he knew with absolute certainty that
something bad was going to happen, but he still couldn’t move. Couldn’t turn
his gaze away from the brooding darkness in Jean's eyes. It was probably a
useful thing to not run from predators as it aggravated their hunting instinct.
However, that was only true when dealing with animals and it was fucking
useless now. It was useless when there wasn't a chance for him to escape
because he was stunned in place with fear that clouded his mind. It was like
dark smoke, numbing his senses, slowing his thinking, and whispering in his
ears that it would be over soon. So very soon.
Jean was right in front of him now. “You're way to smart for your own good,
kid. Still, you have no idea how to use that smart. Get on your knees.”
This was going somewhere wrong. But there was a gun pointed at his forehead and
he found himself sliding of the chair with nothing that even resembled
resistance. Not when Jean resembled a striking rattlesnake, lidless eyes, fixed
on him. Promising death and demise. Jean stepped forward and pushed his crouch
into Eren's face and it was suddenly blatantly obvious where this was going.
Eren knew what he was supposed to do, he had seen enough porn to know what was
required of him. It was all he could do so keep his hands steady while he
unzipped Jeans pants.
Jean smirked as Eren freed his dick. “See, I knew you had experience. If you
behave like a nice little slut I'll teach you how to get better at this game of
ours.” He placed one hand in Eren's hair and pulled him closer, while the other
hand still pressed the muzzle of the black revolver to his head.
Eren looked at Jean's cock and he just knew that there was no chance for
escape, Jean had a gun and if he didn’t use that he could still threaten Annie
and the others. Eren didn’t want to do this. Not here and not with Jean of all
people. He could refuse. But the gun was way more effective than his knife and
he would probably be dead before he even got the knife out. The hesitation was
enough for Jean to impatiently nudge him with the short barrel of the gun, not
very hard, but still enough to tell him to get the fuck on with it.
So he recalled the memories of all blowjobs he had seen and did what they had
done. He licked from the base to the tip while grabbing the thing with his hand
to keep it in place. The other hand traveled to Jean's balls massaging them
carefully. Better not hurt the guy with the gun. But he wanted. He wanted to
hurt him. He ached to get his knife out and cut that bastard's dick off. There
would be nothing left than a bloody stump, the crimson would flow down his
thighs and dribble into a puddle on the floor. Eren would take his dick and cut
it into even smaller pieces with ragged edges and the meat would feel soft and
slippery at his fingertips. Like the steak he once prepared with his mother.
There had been little, red drops appearing when he pressed onto it, glittering
like jewels. Then open his ribcage and scatter the pieces in between his
organs. Like a bowl of spaghetti with meatballs, his hands slippery and soft
with blood while mixing everything together. The smooth surface of his guts
entwined with his fingers. A puzzle for Jean, one the he wouldn’t be able to
solve despite all of his superiority.
In reality his tongue swirled over Jean's glans. The precome was salty and
disgustingly bitter. Jean' grip in his hair tightened and he pushed Eren's head
deeper onto his cock. He took the hint and bobbed his head, hollowed his cheeks
and rubbed his tongue at Jean's dick every time he pushed into him. Eren seemed
to so something right because Jean began talking. It was a welcome distraction,
Eren didn’t want to think about what he was doing. How the fuck would anyone
get off on this? He was a teenager and hard half of the day, but this was not
in the least bit arousing. It was degrading.
“You are a fine little whore, Eren. Now listen because I'm only gonna tell you
once. Your first mistake was to underestimate the appeal of those pants.
Walking around like this, you're just asking for it. Secondly, you should
always concentrate on your surroundings. The moment you looked away was the
moment I was able to get the gun, and you were fucked. Third, what were you
doing, coming here without a weapon? You could have at least asked someone else
to come along for back up. And the fourth is the most stupid mistake of them
all. Never reveal your knowledge. It is your only advantage and you just threw
it at me. Which left you helpless. You could have traded it for some kind of
information from me, but now it's all gone and you are on my cock, which proves
to me that you are just a stupid child. And I need to teach you a lesson.”
Jeans voice had been unmoved during the entire speech. His eyes were still
pitch black and feral and it made Eren's insides coil in fear.
Jean placed both of his hands at Erens head, the weapon still in his right one
and he pushed him deeper onto his cock, while moving his hips forward. He
reached the back of Eren's throat and Eren cocked. Jean pulled his dick out and
shoved it back in a fast rhythm. Eren tried to keep his teeth covered and
somehow breath and keep his gag reflex under control. Tears were streaming down
his face and he felt like he was dying because there was no air. His lungs were
burning with need for air and his mouth felt raw and aching.
Jean growled and pressed into him until he was buried to the hilt. Eren tried
to pull back, but Jean's grip was too strong. He felt Jean's cock twitch on his
tongue and the hot fluid erupting and running down his throat. He swallowed
involuntarily, the strained muscles in his throat convulsing painfully, telling
him to breath and puke his heart out at the same time.
Jean let go of him and tucked himself back into his pants, he then moved back
to his desk and sat down. Reading something like none of this had happened.
Without looking up he said: “I could give you a job if you want but if you were
able to convince rest of The Titans to also work for me, the profit would be
five times higher. I'm talking about 50000 each. Think about it.”
Eren tried not to empty his stomach on the carpet. He would not appear weak
anymore, no matter how weak he felt. Somehow he managed to get up, his legs
shivering and his stomach rebelling. He made it through the door and back to
the corridor. On the way back to his room he met Ymir, who had apparently
waited for him to return. She handed him two sage drops: “We're partying with
The Corps later, want to come?”
He nodded without looking at her.
“I'll knock when we're going.” There was a gentle hand running through his hair
and the the click of the closing door. Maybe it was her way of showing
compassion.
He entered the showers. Looking into he mirror he started choking again. His
eyes were red, the black eyeliner had been smudged and covered his cheeks in
streaks, his lips were swollen and chapped. He looked defeated and destroyed.
Weakness written all over his face. “Now you even look like a proper slut”
Jean's voice whispered softly and Eren puked into the sink. He couldn’t stop,
not even when his stomach was empty. The sour smell made him feel even sicker.
Eren got into the shower and stayed there for an hour, scrubbing his skin until
it was as read and painfully raw as his throat felt. He still felt dirty. But
he would survive this, his life had been worse. Standing at the grave, watching
the autumn leaves dance happily until they landed on the casket. The cold look
on his father's face, feelings already gone and buried with her. Eren would
eradicate his weaknesses. Keep his knowledge to himself and use it to
manipulate those around him. Get a gun and learn how to use it. Use his body to
his own advantage. If he dressed in a certain way and people were more
compliant to him as a result, he would use it against them. And the next person
to pull the same shit that Jean did would loose his life and his cock. As would
Jean, someday, Eren would make sure of that. He was here to get stronger, and
he was dead set on accomplishing this goal.
Chapter End Notes
     Reference for the exact tightness of Eren's pants: Every one of Andy
     Biersacks stage outfits ever.
***** Esperance or the longest day Part III *****
Chapter Summary
     Yeah, so I have no idea how parties work, I just did this instead.
     Long chapter because I love all of you.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It took considerably longer to get dressed without a second person to help with
the pants. He changed the leather jacked to a loose band shirt with a wide
neckline. It accentuated his collarbones beautifully and he was thankful for
his naturally tanned skin. It always had a healthy glow to it, even if he felt
tired and cold and essentially dead. But that wouldn’t stop him. If he didn’t
attend the party Jean might get the idea that he'd won. The pants did wonders
for his ass. Not that he didn’t have a nice butt on his own but with the
leather hugging its form it looked almost sculptured. Renewing the eyeliner he
noticed how fucking hard it was to draw a straight line without slipping or
wavering. He was in no way satisfied with the outcome, but he decided to ignore
it for the moment because someone already knocked on his door.
They entered the throne room together, falling into the formation that
indicated their rank almost automatically. Annie's constant warnings finally
sinking into their skulls and becoming second nature. Eren noticed how he got a
few looks from girls and guys alike. Though he had to admit that his outfit
wasn’t exactly plain, more like borderline screamo band member. He felt like a
walking disco ball and the attention made him want to run and hide. For all his
life he tried to stay in the shadows, it was his first line of defense against
people. The second were his extensive knowledge of normal human behavior and
his skills of faking it.
Where the atmosphere was strained before, it was now relaxed, The Corps was
seemingly already used to their presence. The throne itself was deserted,
neither Jean nor Marco were present. Why was he even here then? He contemplated
on leaving, but the other would try to persuade him to stay, and he didn’t have
enough energy for that. Music played in the background, it invited to dance
without being loud enough to disturb the conversations that were going on all
over the room. Some people were dancing in front of the pedestal with the
throne, while the rest was sitting on the case stacks at the walls.
Sasha waved in their direction and they sat down around her. She introduced the
short guy next to her as Connie. Connie made the best Wiskey Sour Eren ever
had, everyone except Ymir complimented him. Ymir however complimented him after
he had mixed her a pink drink that smelled like banana and cotton candy. It
made Eren gag as he tried it, pure melted sugar couldn’t have been any sweeter.
The drink thankfully influenced her usual sour mood for the better and she
taught Eren how to use the eyeliner she had given him. Both went to a deserted
corner of the room to work without being interrupted by the others. They all
tried to influence Ymir to draw hearts or stars on his cheeks and succeed more
often than not. Thankfully she removed all the dribbles before they continued.
Eren wondered why she was so nice all of a sudden. She had been the one that
never wanted Eren in the gang. Even when Annie accepted his rare presence, Ymir
was always the one to protest. Her words were meant to either ridicule or hurt
him, and her actions clearly demonstrated that she never accepted him as a part
of the group. He didn’t know why she disliked him so much, she just did. Yet
here she was, explaining the mysterious ways of make up to him without being
total asshole. His eyes now looked like the ones of a cat, feral but alluring,
when he previously resembled a panda, or so Ymir claimed.
“Are you all right?” Ymir grasped his arm right as he attempted to get up and
head back to the group.
Her behavior confused him until he remembered that she had seem him when he
returned form Jean's office. Eren still remembered how sick he felt after
looking in the mirror. The same sickness continued to curl in his gut like a
tangle of snakes that devoured him form the inside out. She was probably
worried about his mental state or something.
“I'm good.” He smiled at Ymir, and knew that it was a perfect smile, because it
was the one he had practiced for years. It appeared to be genuine, and was not
to big or bright to arise any suspicion. There was a bit of shyness in the way
the right corner of his mouth trembled slightly. He pouted softly and it made
him look younger, giving him all the innocence of a child. The sole purpose of
this smile was to make people think that he had suffered, nothing too grave of
course, but enough to make people want to help him. Enough to make him look
like a brave little soldier for carrying on. There had to be a sad note in it
because his smiles were never truly and completely happy. They were either sad
or malicious, and somehow malicious was not acceptabble.
There were tears in Ymir's eyes now. Eren was good, but he wasn’t that good.
Why the hell was that bitch crying now? He was sure that he hadn’t poured too
much sadness into the look, he had learned from his mistakes. Too grave a
sadness made people uneasy, it wasn’t an emotion that was proper for children.
So what other reason was there for crying? Guilt. She had dressed him like a
whore, and she thought that it was her fault that Jean had treated him like
one. She was right in a way but at the same time it was as much her fault as it
was his. He had let her, and he had thought that a certain dresscode would be
beneficial to his endeavor. It hadn’t exactly played out the way he wanted but
he would work on that.
However, it would be helpful to keep her feeling guilty, so she would be
vulnerable to manipulation. At the same time he had to ensure that it wasn’t
enough guilt to force her to take action. He wanted her dependent, hanging onto
his words to lessen the weight that was pressing down onto her soul.
“It's all right, there wasn’t anything you could have done. We all have to play
our part to keep each other save.” His voice was soft, slightly wavering, on
the verge of sobbing, but still determined enough to convince her that he was
not broken.
Ymir's green eyes were still glazed with tears and she looked at him with
compassion, even admiration. “Just tell me if you ever need anything. I am here
for you.”. As usual, the martyr thing got to them. “I got crucified for your
sins” wasn’t as far away from ”I got raped to keep you from harm” as one would
think. Both worked. Always.
He totally got this. A brave little smile and a timid “Thank you” sealed the
deal.
They returned. Annie shot him a suspicious glance and he made a dismissive
gesture, telling her that everything was okay. Connie handed him another
Whiskey Sour and the flirtatious smile Eren offered him in return made the boy
with the buzz cut blush to his ears. Eren lowered his head and smirked. They
were so predictable that it was ridiculous.
His mobile buzzed and he looked at the screen.
Levi (2:21)
Hey kid, how's your arm?
Eren (2:22)
Fine. Why?
Levi (2:22)
You are allowed to take painkillers.
Eren (2:23)
It's not like I am new to pain. And painkillers and alcohol don’t work all that
well together.
Levi (2:24)
Probably not. Don’t drink too much, brat.
Eren rolled his eyes. Again this fucking annoying attitude of his. Eren wasn’t
a child, he was perfectly able to handle himself. It wasn’t like Levi really
cared, otherwise he would be here.
Eren (2:26)
You can stop pretending to care now.
Levi (2:26)
I just don’t want you to get hurt.
Eren (2:27)
Tell that to my throat.
Levi (2:28)
What happened?
Levi wanted honesty, right? Well he would get it. Might get as well get as much
out of this incident as he could.
Eren (2:29)
Blowjob.
Levi (2:31)
Aren't you 15? Also tell whoever the fuck you are with to be gentle.
The thought of Jean being gentle was ridiculous. It made him giggle at the
sheer absurdity of it, Jean and Marco, lying in bed together, cuddling and
calling each other darling and honeybums. Though that could have been the
wiskey, too.
Eren (2:32)
Yeah, well it wasn’t exactly consensual, so gentle wasn’t an option.
Levi (2:35)
You do realize how fucked your life is, right? Please, Eren, let me help you. I
can get you a safe place to stay and somebody to talk to about your problems.
Whatever it may be, you are not alone. Just talk to me and let me help you.
Eren (2:35)
I don’t need your fucking help. Stop pestering me.
As an afterthought he added:
Eren (2:35)
How do you know my name, anyway? I'm pretty sure I never told you.
Levi (2:36)
Your school file. Aren't you supposed to be with your aunt to recover? I am
surprised your teacher actually believed that that shitty story. I feel a bit
sorry for you kids, how are you supposed to learn anything when the teachers
are such morons? You must have felt blessed to have had me as your teacher.
Anyway, where are you really?
Blessed. That was exactly how Eren had felt, though probably for different
reasons. Levi was still perfect for him, even if the chances for them being
together were slim. Why was it so easy to talk to him? Eren never really opened
up to people and if he did, it took a few years to get comfortable with them.
And it took even longer to be honest with them. It was hard work not to lie
when it was a thing he always did. Lying was as much an instinct as not to
place his hand on the hot cooktop. It wasn’t necessary with Levi, though. He
was able to deal with the truth and he never made Eren feel like a freak for
saying anything that may have not been in perfect accordance with the social
norms. It was a nice change to really say all the things he thought, it was far
more freedom than he normally had, especially during social interactions.
Eren (2:37)
Fuck off. To all of that. Never pictured you for the creepy stalker type.
Levi (2:38)
Am not, dickass. And you answered none of my questions.
Eren (2:38)
If the shoe fits... Also I'm drunk, I want to keep my texts short.
Levi (2:40)
It's 3 fucking am and I am still awake because of you, so you can put a bit of
fucking effort into this conversation, no matter how fucking drunk you are.
It was far too easy to annoy Levi. And it was far to funny to stop it. He
looked up and caught Annie's glance. She questioningly lifted one eyebrow while
grinning and it was apparent that she knew from whom the messages were.
Eren (2:41)
Chill, dude.
Levi (2:41)
That's it, I give up. Why did I ever thought that a teenager would be a good
conversationalist?
Eren (2:41)
Beats me.
Levi (2:42)
I'm going to bed.
Eren (2:43)
All right, all right. I would guess that you talk to me because you have no
friends. At least none that you can really talk to. And you are so starved for
any kind of human interaction that even I seem a good choice to you. You are
simply desperately lonely.
He knew that because had felt the same often enough.
Eren waited for ten minutes that went by without a response and he knew that he
had done something wrong. He should have chosen his words more carefully. Maybe
there was a thing as too honest, even with Levi. It was a bit disappointing, he
thought Levi of all people would be above such nonsense. Then again he himself
got pretty pissed every time Levi tried to meddle with his life.
A probable reason to stop texting was that people felt offended by the text, so
it was relatively save to assume that Levi also was. Most people reacted
offended when they were presented with the truth, especially when they felt
like one of their weaknesses had been exposed. Finally, he had managed to grasp
one aspect of Levi's personality. And he had royally fucked up in doing so,
because Levi hadn't answered since then.
Loneliness was apparently one of Levi's sore spots. It was expected of him to
apologize and play the whole thing down. Saying that he had no right to pry
into Levi's business and that it probably wasn’t true anyways, that it was just
some nonsense he had said without thinking. Eren currently had the higher
ground, because he knew one Levi's frailties. The appropriate response was to
admit a fault of his own, so they were on equal terms again. Of course it had
to be a fault of equal or lower importance, otherwise Levi would end up with a
better footing in the end and that would defeat the whole purpose.
He was right in the middle of writing the apology when his phone buzzed.
Levi (2:55)
Your honesty is as unnerving as it id flattering, particularly when I know that
I am the only person that ever gets to see the real you.
That sneaky bastard. This was a fault Eren would have never given up
voluntarily. He would have told Levi a small thing like “My friends don't get
me” or something. Any kind of typical sympathy shit would have done. But the
crocodile had shown it's teeth here. Levi had sensed the the trap and instead
of walking around it, he had just blown the whole thing up. It was warning for
Eren to be on his toes, it was also a dare to continue their sparring with the
knowledge of what Levi was capable of.
The current score was “I am desperately lonely” versus “My whole life is a lie”
and it was clear that Levi had gotten the better deal. But the damage was done,
and there was no doubt in his mind that Levi had anticipated and planned all of
it. Levi would never believe him if he claimed that his assumption was untrue.
He would never go with it if Eren played it down. He would recognize a change
of topic as a desperate attempt at a distraction. The only possibility left for
Eren was to gracefully accept his defeat and hope for better luck next time.
Eren (2:56)
Fuck you.
Levi (2:58)
Come on. Every idiot could have seen that. I know that you know how to act
politely and appropriately to the situation you find yourself in. You have done
that the first time we met. Yet you were honest with me since then, and you
dropped the act. I would think that it's hard for you to talk to other people
the way you talk to me, because they would have certain expectations. So you
are either as lonely as me, or you just play pretend all day. And since you
have friends, even if they are small-time criminals, it was easy to conclude
that the latter is true. Elementary, my dear Watson.”
Eren hated him. Fucking know-it-all. Idiot of a smurf. He still refrained from
texting those things. It was only his childish pride talking and Levi would
laugh at him and answer with a flood of invectives that would probably be more
impressive than Eren`s. Instead he switched the topic.
Eren (2:58)
Cumberbatch is hot, I don’t blame you.
Levi (2:59)
Perv.
Eren (3:00)
Like you don’t think he's sexy.
Levi (3:00)
It's all the cheekbones and turned up collars.
Eren (3:01)
Right.
Eren (3:01)
Found Narnia yet?
Levi (3:01)
Cunt.
Eren marveled at the easiness they jumped back from their previous heavy topic
to the playful teasing tone that accompanied their conversations more often
than not. Levi was a wonderfully easy person to be with, if Eren stopped
thinking.
Eren (3:02)
I have a date with a bong, so unless you have anything nice to say, I'm gonna
go.
It was true, Connie constantly nudged him to take a pull on the bong that had
been going around. It smelled pleasant, sweet and delicate. Like the herbs his
mother had planted in their garden, but with more of a calming note. Back when
it was still a garden, not just a neglected wilderness where stinging nettles,
burdock and other weeds fought for the last bit of sunlight.
Levi (3:03)
Just one thing. Don’t mix weed and liquor, unless you enjoy puking.
Eren (3:04)
Thanks, I'm gonna keep it in mind. Night.
Levi (3:04)
Good night, Eren.
As always, Eren countless refrain from analyzing every bit that had been said
by Levi. So, was it save to assume that he was gay? Was Eren just jumping to
conclusions again? He wished that something about Levi would be easy for once.
There were probably loads of straight guys who could still appreciate the
appeal of his favorite actor. But rather than denying Eren's “being in the
closet-comment”, Levi had answered with one of his usual insults. On the other
hand his comment could be interpreted as just being a closet fan of
Cumberbatch. He had no idea what the fuck was going on.
Regardless, Levi seemed to like talking to him, if only to escape his
loneliness. It was a weakness. One that Eren could easily exploit. Maybe they
could be friends after all, his plan was officially back on track. Sasha fell
against his shoulder with gasp and stayed there while snoring softly.
Eren had totally underestimated that son of a bitch earlier. Smiling softly to
himself he sipped at his third drink. Levi was not easily manipulated. He had
probably anticipated every aspect of the conversation as well as Eren had. It
almost made him feel stupid for trying to fool him. Levi never actually
believed any of it. It was best to be himself with Levi around. Lying was
pointless if Levi saw right through him. It would be a challenge to push him to
the right direction, and it would be a challenge to influence him. Somehow it
seemed fitting. It made the whole game infinitely more fun and Levi all the
more appealing.
Later that night Eren stumbled to bed with a smirk on his face and Levi on his
mind.
Chapter End Notes
     That's what happens when I should be working on my scientific essays.
***** Delusion *****
Chapter Summary
     So, another blowjob. No I'm not obsessed with them, I just promised a
     Levi POV sex thing and this is it. This is also the chapter that
     reassures everyone who was wondering if Levi even liked Eren, I feel
     like something like that was in order.
     And I guess there are mentions of adultery in here, though they are
     not really married.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Levi was used to being lonely. What irritated him was the pain that felt like
burning and freezing him at the same time. There was nothing inside of him,
though, not fire nor ice, just a vast, cold nothingness. The feeling had
accompanied him for most his live, it was familiar to him, and he welcomed it
as an old friend.
It was damn near impossible to talk to people when you were screwed up. People
noticed it, when you were different. You may not be burned at the stake
anymore, not in these modern times, but you were ignored. That is until
somebody wonders why they don't see you. They will wonder why their gaze jumps
over you, like you were some kind of very boring and plain pile of dirt.
Something that is there, but you have a faint disdain for it and actually you
wonder why you even bothered to look at it in the first place.
Problems arose when these people actually bothered to look, maybe they were too
stupid to listen to their instincts and ignore him like they should, maybe they
wanted to solve him, as he always had been a person to puzzle people. And when
they finally got close to him, they noticed that he was nothing. Nothing but an
empty shell, cloudy emotions that long lost their relevancy. An old soul that
should have moved on at some point in live, but whenever this point had been,
he had missed it. And when people noticed that, they lost interest, dismissed
him as completely hopeless and sought out the next best replacement for
whatever they had wanted him for.
At least most of them did. But there were the headstrong ones. The ones that
really had nothing else to do with their lives and decided that it was their
call to save him. So they filled him, fed him their emotions, intentions and
memories, and sometimes he felt human again. It never lasted long. They found
out that he was a sieve. Whatever they poured into him, it all drifted away
sooner or later. Then they left, because he just wasn’t worth the effort.
However, one person obviously didn’t get the memo. There was someone sucking
his dick, and of course disturbing his thoughts in process. He opened his eyes
and lifted his aching neck off the mattress.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Levi's voice was still hoarse from
sleep, as it always was before he had his first coffee.
Her faintly orange eyes displayed mild displeasure as she looked up to him as
if so say “Language!” She didn’t cease her sucking which was, let's be honest
here, not really one of the best blowjobs he ever had. The best ones he got in
prison, some people there had had near godlike skills. Then again what else
would one do in prison? It was a distraction like everything else.
But not anymore. Levi was rehabilitated. With friends and relationships and a
job. Meaningless conversations in which he pretended to have plans and a social
live. A person with interests and a future and all that shit that you allegedly
need to count as human being. He faked it. Wondering how idiotic these people
had to be to not notice that. Levi went with it for their sake, they put all
this effort into him and he felt bad if he didn't try to give a little bit
back.
So, back to the now. Why the fuck did she want to do this now? He really needed
to piss. And the only way to get out of this was either to harass her enough to
stop or to just get on with it and come.
“How do you even got in here?” Levi hoped that he wouldn’t sound too annoyed,
just enough for her to stop. It was slowly becoming painful. She probably was a
virgin in this department, they were always the ones with a fear to take it all
in. No. Stop. He was doing this for her sake. She had helped him so much,
couldn’t he suffer through one bad blowjob for her?
She stopped. Thank you, god. Her tone was mildly bothered, but nothing what a
few compliments couldn’t solve over a day. “You gave me the keys, remember?
Would you really rather ask questions, than for me to do finish this?”
Yes. “No” For fucks sake, don't sound sarcastic. “You just surprised me. Please
continue.” Well done Levi, another hour of this shit.
She gave him a pointed look and took his dick back into her mouth. Well, the
inch of it that had been in there before.
Levi closed his eyes and imagined something that would at least get him to
finish this faster. Messy Brown hair replaced the shoulder length ginger stands
of the woman in front of him. The eyes changed from the color of a carrot that
has spent too many days in the fridge to the ones of the Caribbean sea in the
blue moonlight. He was a total asshole, she just wanted him so like her. Why
was he so selfish? Why couldn’t he like her? Why didn’t he try to like her? The
skin color shifted to a healthy summer days tan. He wondered briefly from which
porno this person originated, but then shrugged because this was a one time
thing. Or more if she demanded more sex, as a little voice told him. Sex was
common in a relationship after all.
Something still wasn't right with the face. The eye shape changed from big and
innocent to cat-like ferocity and determination. Much better. Now, the nose a
bit more prominent and the cupids bow slightly curved but smaller.
He felt her breasts resting on his thigh, which also was not right. He made the
frame bigger, but lithe and male. Which was all right, he was bi after all and
she knew that about him. She would still be pissed that you imagine someone
else, said the voice that called itself his conscience. Levi ignored it. Which
was probably why his conscience even felt the need to talk with this extremely
disappointed tone, remarked the voice. Collarbones sharp enough to cut yourself
on them, the hint of ribs showing, and hip bones that barely held the jeans in
place. Now all that was left was a nice small ass and he was done.
Levi raked his fingers through the brunet's hair, ruffling the usual bed-head
even more. It still wasn't enough. He held the other one's head in place and
worked himself deeper in. There was a delicious little wiper and he imagined
these blue-green eyes swimming with tears. One hand stroked all over his thighs
and stomach, while the other played shyly with his balls. Levi opened his eyes
and opened his mouth to tell the boy that he was a fucking man, and could be
handled accordingly. His gaze met hers and she was clearly annoyed, it couldn’t
have been clearer if she had screamed: “Finish already, you selfish dick, I do
this only because I love you.”
This was going nowhere, not when his eyes were open. He closed them again. One
hand holding the boy's head firmly in place, the other traveled over his
shoulders and arms. His fingertips feeling every scar on the golden skin and
trying to somehow make sense of the chaotic pattern. The boy moaned openly now,
his tongue curling around Levi's cock, his eyes tearing up even more as Levi
hit the back of his throat. His eyes were still determined and focused as if
the fate of mankind somehow depended on Levi's orgasm.
“Fuck” Levi's breathing was ragged and he nearly mewled openly upon seeing the
boy's delicate lips, now swollen and red wrapped tightly around his length. The
brat met his gaze, winked playfully, released him and licked once from his base
all the way to the top. The other one's pink tongue swirled over his glans,
Levi's cock twitched violently and he came. The boy swallowed all of it
graciously and his expression was nothing if not smug. Debauched lips opened
and whispered: “You are mine, Levi.”
She cleared her throat and just like that, reality came crushing back. Did he
just imagine his 15 year old pupil giving him head? When the same pupil just
had a traumatic experience and would probably need a therapy before taking
somebody's dick into his mouth ever again? When he actually had a perfectly
fine woman to look at? When said woman was his fiancee?
Levi sighed and opened his eyes, promptly receiving her death glare, punishing
him for coming without warning, that made him only want to close his eyes
again. She had already ventured to the bathroom brushing her teeth, witch left
him with noting to do but to drown in his guilt.
What the fuck was wrong with him? The boy was a child. Not someone to give
blowjobs. Not someone to think or obsess about. No someone to loose sleep over.
Not someone to masturbate to. Well, you should have thought of that before you
did it five times yesterday, his conscious sounded entirely too pleased with
itself. Hes' not someone that you can save, Levi. He's way to screwed for that
and he doesn’t even want your help. You don’t even know where he is right now.
Just that he is the only person that really knows you. He knows your loneliness
and he still talks to you. He knows the real you and he still doesn’t avoid
you. But you probably never see him again, he has no reason to talk to you ever
again after his arm is healed.
And as though the universe itself wanted to prove him wrong, his mobile buzzed.
Eren (1:21)
So happy that I didn’t sent any drunk texts yesterday.
Levi huffed softly, but the grin still stayed on his face, as though glued to
his lips.
Levi (1:21)
Wait, these weren't drunk texts?
Eren (1:22)
Asshole
Levi (1:22)
Dickhead
Eren (1:22)
Shitstain
Levi (1:23)
Fuckface
Eren (1:23)
Jackass
Levi (1:24)
Dipshit
Eren (1:24)
Motherfucker
Levi (1:24)
Yours are unimaginative. Jerkoff.
Eren (1:25)
Well excuse me for not having a potty mouth like you.
Levi (1:25)
In other words, I win.
Eren (1:25)
Yeah, you win, because I'm the adult here and I decide that this occupation is
way too childish for me.
Levi imagined Eren trying to look all dignified while ruffling his nose about
Levi's vocabulary. It made him inappropriately happy.
Levi (1:25)
Whatever you say, brat.
“I have to go to work. I'll come back at eight, maybe we can cook together.” He
looked up and she smiled painfully bright. ”If I had known that blowjobs make
you so happy I would have done it before.” She added teasingly.
Levi flinched and looked at his phone, which had vibrated again. Her eyes
darted to his mobile, gaze suspicious and a frown on her lips. Now he would
have to hide his phone from her. Or you could just stop texting that boy,
interrupted the voice.
She walked out of the room but stopped in the doorway and turned around. “I
love you, Levi.”
“Bye, Petra.” Say it back you moron. “I you too.” Well, that was totally
unsuspicious you piece of thrash. His conscious even beat him in sarcasm.
Levi still remembered the hurt in her eyes, when she had said it for the first
time and he wasn't ready. He still wasn’t. But he had said it then to stop her
from crying and to stop her from looking at him like he was a failure. Since
then he had repeated it so often to reassure her, that it had lost all meaning,
if it ever had one to begin with.
The door clicked shut and he got out of the bed, wondering how the fuck he
would survive this day.
Chapter End Notes
     This is an early update, because I will be busy next week. I hope you
     have as much fun reading as I had while writing it. Love you all.
***** Challenge *****
Chapter Summary
     The day after, plans are being made.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Eren woke with quite possibly the worst headache he ever had, remembering the
conversation with Levi but nothing after that. There was a horrid stench that
told him that he would most likely find a puddle of puke next to the bed. His
shirt was clinging to his skin, and taking it off hurt an unreasonable amount,
as did sitting up. The bedsheets, he had used as a blanket, were covered in
familiar brown stains and that finally explained the hurt.
The cuts on his belly were jagged and too deep. They were bleeding, the blood
had glued the shirt onto the wounds and he had ripped the scrub off while
undressing. Why had he even worn a shirt when the blood just soaked through and
ruined the sheets anyway?
He didn’t even remember cutting. And he must have been pretty out, otherwise he
would have done a better job. This looked like he was one of there corpses on
TV. The ones that were stabbed fifty times. Really, Why would you stab someone
fifty times? The guy was probably dead after the first ten.
But he could ask himself the same thing. Why did you cut yourself thirty times,
when ten would have sufficed? And why the fuck did you cut so deep? Eren had
done worse, so he wasn't that concerned, but it was not at all beneficial for
building up his strength. The normal shallow cuts were gone after four weeks,
the skin was smooth and paler, but they were only visible when you looked hard.
What he had done this time was worse. They were the ugly scars. Gaping,
twisted, bulging skin. A fierce pink first, but darkened to a deep brown over
time, until they were nearly white at the end. They needed months to stop
hurting and years to fade. These were the scars where people asked him for a
reason. Because it must have been something bad that cut so deep, something bad
that couldn’t have been his fault. Eren always had a few standard answers
ready, in case somebody saw one of those.
An accident with glass shards when he was small. He had played with a knife as
a child. It happened while he was chopping vegetables, the knife had fallen and
he tried to catch it with his thigh, or arm or stomach. Kids practicing knife
throwing. Curiosity, because he thought that the knife was blunt. Something
with rusty barbwire, or a saw, or razor blades. They always believed it, no
matter how unlikely the story was, because the alternative would be to realize
that he had done it to himself. And nobody wanted to have that weight on them,
nobody wanted that responsibility. They had enough trouble to get trough their
own lives.
Eren got up, grateful for not stepping into the barf, wrapped himself in a
towel and traveled to the showers, accompanied by the throbbing in his head and
the stinging on his skin. He didn’t really make it to the showers before puking
into the nearest toilet.
Washing the dried blood blood of his stomach proved relatively futile, because
the cuts reopened and continued to bleed all throughout the process. Thank you
to whoever decided that dark towels were a better choice than white ones. He
returned to his room and brought a plastic bag in, that somebody had placed in
front of his door. Eren removed the soaked bandage off his arm and hung it over
the heater. The wound looked good, Levi had really done a great Job, there was
no sign of an infection, the pain was a distant one, and there would only be a
small scar left. No need to talk to him again.
Ideas drifted trough his head. He sat back and relaxed, watching them with
faint interest, as he would have watched one of the old black and white romance
films his mother had loved. Tear out the stitches. Get a knife and stick it in
there. Make it bleed. Demand that he comes here. Get him to take care of you.
Make him stay. Everything would be okay once Levi would be there.
Sighing he picked the still damp bandage up and draped it around his stomach,
hissing as the cloth came in contact with the wounds. Well, if he hadn't been
so stupid as to cut himself, there wouldn’t even be wounds. He ought to cope
with it that little bit of pain. The bandage kept the blood from staining his
clothes and that would be enough for now. They would heal in due time, and the
pain was manageable. With pain was better than without anyway. It kept him
alert and attentive and calm and nervous and fucking angry. Pain was a good
thing when he felt like dissolving, drafting away into the void, it kept him
grounded. It stitched his consciousness to his body with blazing needles.
Sometimes it was the only way to stay sane, awake or in reality. The pain made
him aggressive, which was no problem whenever he was in danger of loosing
himself, because it gave something to focus on. But he was already hyped,
determination to make Levi his, angry enough to strangle Jean and Marco, too.
Add pain and you have a fucking Molotov of bad mood and short temper that would
explode if someone decided to get on his nerves today.
And what the fuck was in that plastic bag? Well he wouldn't find out by sitting
here and wondering so he went to fetch the bag and emtyed it onto the bed after
removing the dirty sheets and cleaning the vomit with them. He placed the
sheets into the bag and threw the whole gross thing to the other side of the
room.
Eren hardly restrained a chuckle as he saw the contents of the bag. It looked
like somebody with the occupation of either a drag queen with a good sense of
style or a high class escort had their entire closet placed on his mattress.
This was probably curtsey of Ymir or Jean, but it wasn't really important. It
wouldn’t influence their relationship in any way. Ymir would have done it as a
nice gesture to further deepen their friendship and she would require nothing
but a few nice words in return because she was the one with the guilt-complex.
And god knows that Jean owed him more than a few clothes to make up for his
particular crime.
Anyway, the clothes were helpful so Eren wouldn’t complain. He planned to look
confident and irresistible from now on and part of that was to accentuate his
body in the right ways. Levi would have no choice but to take him on the spot,
the next time they'd meet. Until then Eren would have to keep his interest and
build a relationship based on mutual, or on his side carefully calculated trust
and interest. He spent the next ten minutes writing texts back and forth with
Levi, smirking at his phone when he got the answers fast enough to convince him
that Levi was doing nothing but waiting for him to write back.
He decided that he might as well let Levi wait for a while now, since his last
message had included the word “Brat” and he would not encourage that nickname.
The outfit for today consisted of a pair of very short black shorts, and a blue
belt, decorated with a big silver buckle that was covered in floral ornaments.
He was positive that they wouldn’t leave the headquarter today because it had
rained since midnight. It was all right to show off his thighs as well as his
scars, if Jean's behavior was any indication for the rest of his gang, Eren
would be desired in any case. He combined the shorts with knee high boots with
two inch heels, midnight blue flower patterns and a forest green bow. They
looked straight out of a “Kings and queens and their troubles with regency and
keeping their scandals quiet while living in palaces and wearing ridiculously
pretty but inconvenient dresses and attending decadent balls and walking trough
picturesque gardens”-movie. Whoever this mystery donator was, Eren gave him
props for guessing his size so precisely. He topped it off with a black, long
sleeved shirt and blue velvet vest with silver buttons. The eyeliner wasn't a
problem anymore and when he was finished he found that he looked rather good.
The only thing missing would be a small hat and a pocket watch. As it were he
replaced both items with a delicate silver chain around his neck.
His young looks actually aided him in this, as well as his hairless body. Boy
lolita, the only thing off was his smirk and the vicious look in his eyes, but
that was easy to conceal. As long as he had his knife in his pocket and his
gang around him, he was save.
Sasha fetched them all for breakfast. The throne-room looked even more run down
in the light of day that banished all of it's ancient, dark charm and exposed
the ruined reality. Jean sat on his throne, dressed in blue jeans and a vest
that left his chest bare. What a showoff. He ate a cheese sandwich and Eren
noted with much satisfaction that there was nothing regal about him anymore.
Connie waited for them, sitting on a box, surrounded with paper plates, plastic
knives, marmalade, toast and cheese. It wasn’t by any means luxurious, but
enough to fill Eren's stomach.
He looked around and found that he had the attention of most people in the room
again. But the looks were different this time. Less want and more suspicion,
more wariness. Eren couldn't figure out why. Connie blurted out some kind of
inarticulate compliment about his attire and he blushed perfectly, before he
focused his attention on Sasha and asked: “I would like to learn how to operate
a gun. Do you know anyone who would be able and willing to teach me?”
Sasha tried to say something but Connie interrupted her, which was probably a
good thing because her mouth looked like she had three whole sandwiches in
there. “I could teach you. We have a firing range in the basement. If you don't
have a gun, you don't have to worry, we have a few for practicing purposes.” He
sounded pretty enthusiastic and Eren rewarded him with a dazzling smile.
“That would be so nice of you. I always wanted to learn it, I just never had
the motivation.”
Somebody stroked through his hair and tugged roughly. He turned around only to
look intro Jean's amused eyes.
“I imagine I gave you the motivation.” He smirked. “You look wonderful in the
clothes I selected for you.”
Eren rolled his eyes but kept his response deferent enough to not offend Jean
too gravely. “Thank you, sir. Your taste in fashion is exquisite, you seem to
like harlots from the 18-hundreds. And I am honored by your infinite
bounteousness, which you only offered after you took advantage of me. I shall
wear these clothes every day, and think of my gratitude for you, which extends
to the exact length as these shorts.”
Jean placed his hand on Eren's thigh. “Seeing you wearing them is all the
gratitude I need, Eren.” Jean's voice was perfectly unaffected by Eren's
sarcasm, and it made him want to punch things. Especially Jean's face. “I'm
here to remind you of the offer I made yesterday. But I guess you were a bit
distracted then.” He directed a playful wink at Eren. ”I will therefore repeat
my offer.” His attention was now on the whole group and he looked at each of
them individually. “I have a job for a team of five people, which is convenient
for the five of you.”
Annie snorted and stopped his monologue. “Nice try, Jean. But I won't sacrifice
my gang for you again.”
“Don't interrupt people, Annie, it's not polite.” He chided, while massaging
the naked skin on Eren's leg. “Anyway, the job should be fairly easy to
complete, but it’ll require some teamwork. The reward will be 50000 for each of
you.”
Reiner choked on his sandwich and Ymir looked highly intrigued but Annie wasn't
impressed. “They won't be able to do anything with the reward when they're
dead. Thank you for the generous offer but I decline.”
Jean shrugged and interrupted the soft stroking of Eren's thigh with a hard
pinch. Eren gasped and Jean bowed, muttering something that sounded
suspiciously like “good boy”. He stightend again and said: “Think about it.
Think especially hard about the money. Think about what you could to with it.”
He smiled and turned around, leaving the room.
“Guys, we can't do this. I'm sorry.” Annie's voice was resolute but Ymir was
obviously not satisfied and demanded an explanation. Eren leaned back against
the wall and observed the conversation. “Why not, Annie? We could buy a car
with this, or rent a flat or buy drugs for a year.” Eren laughed.
“Right, maybe half a year, but still, it's a very good offer.” Reiner nodded
approvingly.
Sasha and Connie left for another pile of boxes so they could discuss in
private, which Eren approved of. He wouldn’t want Jean to know everything they
talked about. He wasn't trustworthy.
Annie's eyes were desperate by now, she looked at Bertolt in search of support.
“I'm with Annie. This is Jean, he'll deceive us. I will never trust him again.”
His gaze was fixated on Reiner. “How can you forget what he did to us back
then? Don't you remember the reason we left?”
Reiner waved his hand dismissively. “This is enough money to get over every
grudge I ever had. I say we do this.”
Annie looked at Eren now, he took it as a sign to speak. “I don't really trust
Jean, either. But I still think that we can do this. If we plan carefully and
and keep quiet about everything that we decide, we should be safe.” Being rich
could only contribute to his appeal. And appeal was the thing he would need
most to catch and keep Levi's attention.
“This was exactly why everyone died last time.” Her voice was bitter. “We
couldn’t do it. The job Jean gave us was impossible to do. The security noticed
us instantly, they had the trap ready for us. We ended up being chased by the
police and then somebody fired a gun and they opened fire. Marco was with us
and got shot four times. I still don't like him, but he was in the hospital for
four months. Everyone else died.” Her eyes gleamed with resentment. ”I left
them, they sacrificed their lives so I could get away, and I just left them
there.”
Eren wished for a blow by blow renarration of the whole incident,if only to
satisfy his curiosity, but Annie seemed like she couldn't bear to tell much
more. Still, he believed that they had a chance to succeed. Ymir and Reiner
were certainly willing, but he needed to convince Annie and Bertold. “Yeah
well, shit happens.” He flinched upon realizing what he had just said. A
certain honesty was expected with them but to refer to death as “shit happens”
might not have been the most sensible move. He simply continued with as much
persuasion in his voice as he managed, without actually slipping into pleading.
“But Jean won't heave a spy this time, since Marco won't be part of it. We
don't even know what the job is yet. Once we know, we'll carefully plan the
whole thing trough. We'll acquire all the information that we need and we will
make sure that nothing can go wrong.”
Annie looked like a cornered animal now, desperate and willing to attack. “You
don't understand. The whole thing will be a trap. There will be no job and no
money. He'll send us on a suicide mission and we will all die. He wants other
gangs dead, he wants everyone that doesn't side with him dead, and that
includes us. Please, just listen to me. This is all just a scheme to get rid of
us, I bet he doesn’t even have all the money that we would get as reward. We
will have to walk into this blindly, because I can promise you that we won't
find any information on this job, because it doesn’t exist. If you want to take
this on, you might as well kill yourselves now.” Her voice broke on the last
few syllables.
He had her now. This was the last of her conviction. Annie was tired of arguing
against them. She no longer had the strength to stand against her friends when
all of them stood united against her. And she was probably noticing that her
speech had been a little hysteric. She doubted her words and perceptions
because she was the only one still believing them. Bertolt had submitted to
Reiner and now she would submit to Eren.
He knew what he was doing. Knew the truth in her statements, the truth he
decided to ignore. It was very possible, even probable that his job really was
nothing but a suicide mission. It meant nothing to him. He would find a way to
get some money out of Jean and, if at all possible, with it also some revenge.
Eren would have to do as little as outsmarting him. Persuading him that they
were caught in his trap when really, it was the other way around. It would be
dangerous and someone might get hurt. Or killed. Still, it would be their
fault, not his. Everyone had to look out for themselves, and if it came to
sacrifice he knew one thing. Better someone else, than him.
His tone was smooth with all the confidence that victory over the leader had
granted him. “Annie, everything will be all right. We will do this and we will
succeed. We will all work together towards our goal and together, we will
achieve it. Jean is helpless against all of us, don't worry.”
She nodded, too weak do anything else but admitting defeat and crawling back
into their midst. They accepted her again. Eren closed his eyes. Sometimes, it
really was too easy.
Chapter End Notes
     I don't know, this really didn’t work out. Next chapter will be
     better, I promise.
***** Companionship *****
Chapter Summary
     Fluff and ice cream-time with Levi.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The first day with decent sunshine and Levi was already tired of it. He was
sitting in a cafe with his friends. Levi was somewhat reluctant to call them
friends since he had read once that you needed trust as a foundation for any
kind of relationship. Maybe if they had trusted him he would have found it in
himself to trust them in return. But as it were, this was all just a charade.
He played the obedient patient and they played the dear doctors. How fucked was
his life when half the people he counted as his friends where psychologists and
the other half were people in need of therapy?
How fucked was his life when his fiancée was sitting next to him and all he
wanted was to send a text to a 15 year old boy? Better yet, scratch “send a
text to” and replace with “fuck”. More true but more fucked up all the same.
What was wrong with him? This felt like his crushes in school. Completely
hopeless and yet desperate and driven. Obsessed to the point where he'd lose
hours thinking about him. He had even dreamed that he was the one to force the
kid to give him head. To break that spirit, that constant defiance, his
rebellion. Seeing Eren on his knees, crying but at the same time moaning around
his cock. And that was truly fucked up, if nothing else was.
Levi felt a gaze burning on his forehead looked up. Erwin leered and sipped his
coffee indulgently. How this guy claimed to be his friend would most likely
stay a mystery forever. Yes, Levi had been a patient in his asylum for a year.
It had helped him, or so he and everyone else claimed. They had fucked, or
rather Levi had been fucked, but that was long before his engagement with
Petra. There was not one good reason for Erwin's foot to be pressed to his
crouch under the table. Levi retreated with his chair and saw the brief flicker
of anger on Smith's face, smirking in return. There wasn’t really anything he
could do about it here, but Levi would have to watch out not to get jumped in
the bathroom. Again.
And the second bane of his existence made her appearance. Hanji balanced their
sundaes on a tray and placed it skillfully in the middle of their table. Not
that she was a waiter here or anything. She was just annoying and picky enough
that it was best to have her standing next to the poor guy who made her food.
It would go something like this: “I want a chocolate fudge bowl with nougat.
But you have to replace the fudge with fresh strawberrys. Then you replace the
chocolate with warm milk and vodka, and the nougat with fudge. I don’t really
like vanilla ice, so you will have to replace it with chocolate ice. And you
replace the Baileys with mango icecream. What? You don’t have mango icecream?
Well then you'll just have to make some now, silly. Actually, I feel a bit
cold. Replace the chocolate ice cream with pancakes and waffles. Oh and scratch
the strawberrys and get me cucumber instead. No, wait blackberrys.”
Levi wondered why no one had murdered her yet. Flashes of her holding him down
against the bed and him slashing madly at her face with a razor blade emerged.
Right. She was stronger than she looked. Funny, that.
She now took it upon herself to introduce their sundaes to them, as though they
didn’t remembered their order from twenty minutes ago. All with her too exited
voice and her too mad eyes. Creepy. Then again you would have to be a freak to
heal freaks, right? “A vodka with lemon ice for Levi. The waiter told me that
there is no name for it and you are a hopeless alcoholic for claiming that
there is.” He shrugged, took a good gulp of it and ignored Petra's look of
reproach. The alcohol would be his lifesaver if he had to bear this company for
more than ten minutes.
“A sex on the beach sundae for Erwin. Don't even try do hide it, you just
ordered it for the innuendo. I know that you hate all fruits besides
strawberrys and there is literally nothing else than fruit in there.”
Levi found himself nodding and then wondering why in the world he still
remembered stupid details about that asshole. Because he ate strawberrys and
cream of your naked chest that one time, whispered the voice and startled him
enough to choke on his drink.
Erwin's smile was bright like the sun. His blond hair shone like gold and his
eyes seemed to be a mirror for the summer sky. Levi blushed, Erwin always
looked like a model, even with a casual white shirt. His muscles were
pronounced enough to notice, enough to stretch the shirt as though it would
rip, but it never did. Then again maybe Levi had a sunstroke, his head
definitely felt like it.
“And a small yogurt sundae for Petra. It's so small, you would need a
magnifying glass to eat it.” Hanji placed it in front of her and then sat down.
Luckily she didn’t even try to describe the abomination on her own plate.
Petra crooked her head and looked at Levi purposefully before answering: “I
need to loose another pound. Otherwise I wont fit into my dress.” Levi looked
over to her. She was beautiful, her blood red dress accentuated her small frame
perfectly and he didn’t think that she had to loose weight. The voice
snickered, yeah Levi, she just has to turn herself into a teenage guy. He
placed his hand on her upper arm and pressed gently, hopefully conveying the
message that he already found her pretty. The hardness in her eyes softened and
it was all Levi could have wished for, when she smiled hesitantly.
Hanji shrieked and clapped while spraying a mixture of coca powder, pancakes
and avocado over her plate. “The wedding, I forgot it again.”
Yeah, you and me both, thought Levi.
Petra just smiled, already used to Hanji forgetting things. Her mind worked in
funny ways. There were things she'd constantly forget, like the wedding, and
then some things she'd remember for years, like the fact that she had kissed
him once. They had been so drunk that night that Levi remembered nothing at
all, but in the morning she showed him the picture on her phone. To this day
she used it to threaten him into things that he didn't want to do. The picture
wasn't actually bad enough to threaten him into doing anything, he just put up
with her, because secretly he liked her. Hanji wasn’t that bad of a person and
sometimes, whenever her crazy was at a manageable level, she could be a smart
woman.
But Petra occupied most of his time now and they hadn't had a serious
conversation in weeks. Hanji never got to see the real him, but she knew bits
and scabs and that was enough to give some pretty accurate advice. Other times
her blabber was utter bullshit, he would still be at the ward if he had
listened to her in all things.
“You are one of my bridesmaids, so you really ought to remember it.” Petra
chuckled, but he heard the warning behind her words. It was the same voice he
got for not sleeping or eating enough.
Hanji seemed to notice that too, her expression became apologetic and she
involved Petra in some ridiculous talk about cake flavors, flower orders and
seating arrangements.
Which left him and Erwin and Levi prepared himself for the torture with a deep
sigh. Erwin's voice was quiet and Levi knew at once about what this
conversation would be and he wished that there was some way to avoid it. “So,
you are really going through with that wedding?” His eyebrows arched up, as
though this was the most outrageous thing he ever heard and he still looked
handsome. Asshole.
“I'm healed and all that shit.” Levi looked positively bored and streaked
through his black hair absentmindedly. He could to that for hours and it never
became disheveled, Petra called it a wonder but actually it was nothing more
than good genetics and the right shampoo.
Erwin chuckled deeply and Levi cursed the heat that was trying to coil in his
stomach. Live would be so much easier without a sexdrive. “Still, marrying your
psychologist, that’s just insane.”
“Not nearly as insane as fucking your patients.” His voice was as quiet as
Erwin's, both aware that this was private. Levi winked and the fucker had the
good grace to at least blush. “Please, just eat your food.”
“Point taken.” Erwin shrugged and did as he was told and Levi was free. Finally
he had time to...No. But Petra and Hanji were still talking and...No. On the
other hand, It was Eren that...No. He hadn't sent a text for two days,
surely...No.
It was a conscious effort to strangle the voice and throw the corpse into the
farthest corner of his brain. He had avoided his mobile for the last two days.
Reading but ignoring the messages and calls he got. It was wrong to do this
while he was with Petra, but his brain always did what it wanted. Reminding him
of Eren every five seconds. Imagining his voice, his hair, his eyes.
Levi (15:46)
Kid, how are you?
Levi (15:55)
Brat?
Normally, Eren answered within five minutes.
Levi (16:01)
Eren?
Maybe he was busy. Or hurt. No, these things didn’t happen. Somebody had
obviously resurrected his conscience because it spoke again. These things do
happen, Levi, parents die and friends die and doctors make mistakes and you
never did anything to save anyone.
Levi (16:07)
Please, just tell me that you are all right?
Eren (16:15)
I'm all right.
The relieve tore from his throat in a deep-drawn sigh and Erwin looked like he
wanted to comment on that, but he stayed silent nonetheless.
Levi (16:15)
So, you are just deliberately ignoring me?
Eren (16:16)
I'm not answering because you ignored me for two days, bastard.
Levi (16:16)
You literally just answered me, so that statement is invalid. Also, my parents
were married when I was conceived so the second statement is also invalid.
Eren (16:17)
You know what? Just fuck you, Levi. Fuck you and your texts and your questions
and your concerns. Just stay away from me. Stop messaging me and leave me alone
or grow some balls and take this seriously. Because I was actually concerned
when you stopped answering.
How could the brat be that wound up about two days of silence? When you just
freaked because of twenty minutes of silence? Really, Levi? Right, so maybe he
should have answered. But he was an adult with a job and responsibilitys. And
he tried to back out because it was best thing to do. Not when you don't have
the nerves to really stay away. What you are doing now is just hurting him. But
what about Petra, he would end up hurting her, too, if he chose Eren. If you
hadn’t been stupid enough to get involved with this kid in the first place,
then you wouldn't have these kinds of problems now, Levi. This is all you. So
go figure your feelings out and then make a fucking decision. It's not that
hard, you are just stupid.
He was starting to feel slight schizophrenic, talking with a voice in his head,
but it had a point.
Levi (16:25)
I'm in.
As in as he could be when he was engaged to someone else and flirting with a
teenager. You are pitiful, Levi, and I hate your guts. He wouldn’t be all that
surprised when his conscience decided to run out on him one of these days.
People never lasted long with him, why should his brain be any different?
Chapter End Notes
     Ice cream makes everything better, so does sunshine and Hanji.
End Notes
     Comments, Bookmarks and Kudos are appreciated.
     This is not beta'd, if you find any mistakes feel free to point them
     out, or send me a skype message @ mrsuial. This is also the way to
     contact me, since I don't have tumblr^^
     Title is taken from “Piggy” by Nine Inch Nails.
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