Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1156929.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Mikasa_Ackerman/Levi
  Character:
      Mikasa_Ackerman, Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Armin_Arlert
  Additional Tags:
      Hand_Jobs, Frottage, Rough_Sex, Fist_Fights, Choking, Blood, Angry_Sex,
      Arguing, Alternate_Universe_-_Canon_Divergence
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-01-28 Words: 6953
****** Black Me Out ******
by Zee_(orphan_account)
Summary
     Every time Mikasa closed her eyes she saw what she could not stop:
     the female titan running with Eren still in her mouth, the empty
     forest after the titan disappeared. Then Levi holding her back,
     yelling at her that they had no way of tracking one tiny human in
     this huge forest, that they had lost Eren and needed to fall back.
     AU where Mikasa and Levi were unable to keep Eren from getting
     kidnapped by the female titan.
Notes
     Warning for a whole lot of hand-to-hand violence and a man and a
     woman hitting each other a lot. Thanks to Ouroboros for the beta and
     encouragement. The title is the name of an Against Me! song.
It was a struggle to stand still, and she did not sleep. Armin kept telling her
that she had to sleep if she was to keep her strength up to save Eren, and
rationally Mikasa realized this. But every time she closed her eyes she saw
what she could not stop: the female titan running with Eren still in her mouth,
the empty forest after the titan disappeared. Then Levi holding her back,
yelling at her that they had no way of tracking one tiny human in this huge
forest, that they had lost Eren and needed to fall back.
She hadn’t obeyed Levi’s command. She had struck out into the forest on her
own, searching for a green cape in the trees. Levi had lost time chasing her,
repeatedly yelling at her to fall back, until finally he caught up with her and
struck her to the ground, giving her the choice to either die on his blade for
treason or live and help him search for Eren later, when they had an actual
plan.
The weight of the failure stayed with her and kept her body on the move late
into the night. After she was inevitably barred from the sparring rooms and
ordered to get some rest, she resorted to pacing the hallways. The smart,
watchful part of her mind was worried for herself, for her abilities. She was
trapped in this altered state and how would she be useful this way, how could
she possibly get Eren back when she was so distracted by an impatient fury at
herself and the world? Mikasa had always treasured the calm waters her mind
dove into whenever she entered a fight, and that state seemed impossible now,
out of reach. This fever was going to consume her. It had been easier when she
thought Eren was dead.
On the second night of no sleep, Mikasa ended up in one of the war rooms,
poring over maps that had remained out on the table after the commanders
finished their strategy sessions. She suspected that, as a cadet, she lacked
the clearance to be in here, but she didn’t leave. The maps meant very little
to her; Eren could have been taken anywhere. She ran her fingers over them
anyway, and wished for Armin. He would have been able to look at this and see
patterns, and he would have drawn the hope out of those patterns for her to
see.
"Ackerman. What the hell are you doing in here?"
Mikasa didn't bother to turn around or snap to attention. She hadn't spoken to
Corporal Levi since he'd prevented her from going after Eren.
She heard him mutter something under his breath before coming in, and the click
of Levi's boots as he walked into the room seemed louder than it should. Mikasa
didn't glance up until she heard the creak of Levi closing the door behind him.
He stopped a few feet in front of her, then leaned against the wooden map table
with his arms crossed over his chest. "I'm not sure what disgusts me more: your
arrogance or your naivete."
Mikasa sucked in a breath. It was rare that she found herself wanting to hit
another human this badly. In fact, the last time she had felt this way, it had
also been directed towards Levi, as she watched him break Eren's nose with his
boot in the courtroom.
"What are you talking about?"
"You assume that because you have some exceptional talent for a soldier right
out of training, you are immune to the consequences that would otherwise arise
from disobeying a direct order from your superior in the field. That is your
arrogance, obviously. You are naive because you don't comprehend how truly far
you are from being above the rules."
"What--I don't assume anything!"
Levi's mouth wrinkled like he'd smelled something objectionable. "Surely you're
not stupid enough to be blind to the risk inherent in making me threaten your
life to get you to obey. I'm beginning to understand that you share Jaeger's
same insane disregard for your own skin, but has it not occurred to you that
putting in such a poor performance as a loyal soldier could prevent you from
being picked for the squad that will go after Eren?"
Mikasa grabbed the ridge of the chair in front of her, her whole body lurching
forward. "You wouldn't!"
Levi shrugged one shoulder. "It's not solely my decision."
Mikasa took in a breath, glaring. "I'm going after Eren no matter what the
commanders decide."
Levi groaned. "For fuck's sake, don't inform your superior officer that you're
planning to desert, do you want to end up in chains?"
To her horror, Mikasa felt her eyes growing hot. She had cried far too much in
the past two days, and too much of that crying had been in front of Levi. Bile
rose up through the choked feeling in her throat, forcing out the worst words
she could think of.
"You're not my superior officer, you're not humanity's strongest, you're
nothing but a failure! You failed to save him!"
If Levi found her insults at all affecting, he gave no indication. His voice
remained level. "Yes. My squad also failed, as did you. But if it makes you
feel better to blame me when you find yourself confined to the barracks while
Eren--"
It was the simplest thing she'd done all day. He was every bully she’d ever
pulled off of Armin and everything that made the world cruel, and she cut her
knuckles on his teeth when her fist hit his face.
Levi stumbled back with the impact and Mikasa was already moving, coming out
from behind the table to the open part of the room and keeping herself well out
of the range of Levi’s response. But he didn’t come after her immediately. One
of his hands steadied himself on the wall and the other touched his split lip,
the fingertips coming away red and wet.
“So. I was right to not think better of you,” he said. He glanced up at her,
his eyes barely visible beneath the shadowy angle of his hair, and Mikasa
understood two things: 1) He had let her land that blow, and 2) It would be
much harder to land a second one.
She was sleep-deprived, and not at her best. This should have made her afraid,
should have bowed her back until her head was bent and she was begging
forgiveness and asking for punishment duty, should have made her sensible.
Instead it sent a thrill down her spine and Mikasa had to work to keep a smile
from her lips.
It didn’t escape her attention that Levi waited until she was ready, her fists
up and her knees bent in a fighting stance, before coming after her. She tried
to be prepared for how fast he was, dropping to a deep crouch low to the ground
as his fists aimed for her upper body, but Levi adapted almost instantly,
landing a kick against her chest and collarbone that felt not incomparable to
the impact of a Titan’s hand. It sent her to the floor, but she managed to
swing her legs into his knees as she went down and Levi turned it to his
advantage, tumbling his body over hers and rolling out of her strike range.
Mikasa was up on her feet a fraction of a second before he was, lashing out
with a kick to his chest while he was still getting up. Levi caught her boot
before it connected and yanked hard to the side, but she’d been prepared for
that, going with the force he exerted and letting it spin her so that her other
foot could aim for his head and shoulders. Levi saw what she was doing and
dodged, her toe whistling past his ear. Mikasa flipped and landed in a crouch,
got to her knees, then had to immediately bend back until the top of her head
nearly brushed the floor to avoid the flying kick Levi aimed at her jaw.
Fighting on her knees was difficult, and Levi didn’t give her the time to get
back to her feet before coming at her with a flurry of blows to be blocked and
dodged. Two of them hit, a kick in the small of her back and a punch to her
temple that made her whole head ring. Desperation made her creative, and
instead of curling in to protect her sides against the blows, Mikasa flung out
her arm to grab the leg of a chair and fling it into Levi.
It was the first time she’d managed to surprise him. The hard oak of the
chair’s leg swung into his head, the cracking sound reverberating through the
room, and he went down.
Mikasa was back on her feet, although the sharp pain from Levi's kick to her
back made her stagger. She grabbed Levi by his jacket and his thigh strap,
heaved, and threw him face-first into the table, his body clattering against
the table legs. It kept him down long enough for her to get over him, kneeling
astride his waist and punching his jaw when he tried to lift his head. It was
not the steadiest blow she’d ever landed, making her whole torso list forward
and to the side in the motion's follow-through, and of course Levi took
advantage. His right knee came up to crack against the same spot on the side of
her head that he had punched earlier, and she was going over, his hips lifting
hers off the ground for a moment before he flipped her off of him.
Mikasa rolled to stand up but he was faster than she could have predicted, and
before she could get her bearings there was a hard kick to her belly,
completely winding her. Mikasa ended up on her stomach, gasping for air, and
she could guess what would happen next: The heel of Levi's boot coming down on
her cheek, keeping her down and grinding her face into the floor.
Mikasa didn't want to hear the mocking words he was sure to say with his boot
on her face. She struggled, heedless of the extra pressure to her head that
this resulted in, and managed to hit the front of Levi's shin with an elbow.
It probably hurt her elbow more than it did his leg, but Levi still reacted by
immobilizing her further. Mikasa suddenly felt her scarf pulling taut against
her throat, choking her. Levi pulled up with her scarf and pressed down with
his boot, and she saw nothing but stars.
"I have to admit, utilizing the furniture was inspired," Levi said, his voice
barely more than a murmur. "Now, will you--"
A last surge of adrenaline shot threw Mikasa as the lack of oxygen narrowed her
vision. Her stomach muscles clenched and she drove into the floor with her left
knee, giving her enough leverage to kick up above her with her right knee. Her
ribs arched, her spine bending in a way that it usually only had to do in mid-
air, and her heel connected with the back of Levi's thigh. It was the same spot
that she had sliced in the female Titan to make her go down, and it must have
had a similar effect on Levi, because the pressure exerted by his foot lessened
suddenly, the sole of his shoe lifting off her face as he regained his balance.
It was enough. Levi still had a hold on her scarf, so when Mikasa twisted to
the side she was completely strangled for a terrifying moment, but it gave her
the room to drive her arm back into the fleshy underside of Levi's forearm. It
was the right place to hit to force his grip to automatically loosen, enough
that she could yank her scarf out of his grasp and try to breathe again.
She was too weak to do anything but roll onto her back and gasp for air, and
Levi was still standing. Of course he was immediately on her again, and Mikasa
braced for a brutal kick to her face or a blow to her ribs, but instead he just
grabbed her wrists and yanked them over her head, pinning to the ground with
one hand in a way that was hardly gentle, but hurt much less than any other way
he'd touched her so far. He was on his knees now, avoiding the mistake she'd
made with him by sitting on her thighs instead of her waist and thus doing a
much better job of immobilizing her hips and keeping her from rolling.
There was no sound but the two of them breathing hard. One of the blows she'd
landed on Levi's head had broken the skin (she suspected it was from the
chair), and scalp wounds bled so freely. His hair was matted with blood and a
trickle of it was traveling down his forehead. Mikasa couldn't read the
expression on his face.
Her mind was already running through the ways she could get out of this--there
was no way he could maintain a solid hold on both her wrists with just one
hand. But the rage that had propelled her against Levi was shifting into
something else, a different kind of animal desperate for release. The weight of
Levi's body against her legs was solid and should have made her want to fight
to escape, but it didn't.
Levi had been staring into her eyes and panting through parted lips. He seemed
not to notice that he was hard until the same moment she did, and immediately
his face went stony and he let go of her hands as if burnt, leaning back and
moving to stand. Mikasa grabbed his thigh strap, keeping him where he was; her
face was reddening but she stared him down when he gave her an incredulous
look.
Mikasa had no idea what she was doing, and it felt so much more dangerous than
hitting him had. Before she could let herself start thinking this through, she
grabbed Levi's hand and pressed it against her own groin.
If he demanded that she ask for this out loud, she'd be too mortified to
continue. For a moment Levi stayed frozen above her, and then he muttered
“Shit,” and his weight on top of her shifted until he had his left hand planted
on the floor near her shoulder, leaning forward so that he had a better angle
to press the heel of his other hand hard between her legs.
Mikasa felt her whole body arch and buck without asking her permission first.
Her pulse was already quick and heavy from the fight and every nerve ending was
ready to shift from intense pain to pleasure. She had to bite hard on her
bottom lip to keep quiet, and when her hips pushed up with all her strength,
Levi pushed down against her with all of his.
It was just the heel of his hand grinding down, a blunt and rhythmic pressure
that made her spasm even though his fingers weren’t touching any skin. Levi
touched her in the same way she touched herself when she bothered to: rough and
brutally efficient, with the clear goal of release straight ahead. The only
difference between whatever this was and her experiences with her own hand was
Levi’s legs bracketing her hips, his hand planted on the floor next to her
shoulder, his face hovering up above her.
Looking up at him was the most uncomfortable and strange thing about this. Levi
was staring right into her eyes, his lips parted, the trickle of blood that had
started on his forehead now smeared against his cheek. Mikasa could barely
handle meeting his eyes for the space of a few beats before she had to turn her
face to the side. It was too intense, too--present, too entirely different from
the wordless purity she’d felt when she’d been locked in combat with him. (Or
two days ago, when she’d fought together with him, in those few minutes when
his appearance beside her had given her hope that they could rescue Eren--but
she couldn’t think of that now.)
“You’re not even going to look at me?” Levi’s voice sounded scratched and
gravelly, as if he were the one who’d just been choked out. Mikasa felt her
cheeks burn and she bared her teeth at him, too embarrassed and worked up to
say anything in return. It would be easier, somehow, if he were sneering down
at her, but he looked--angry, tense, afraid? She wasn’t sure, she didn’t know
his face well enough to read it. She felt like she was burning up beneath his
hand.
Mikasa came while holding on to Levi’s thigh strap hard enough that the sharp
point of the buckle dug hard into her palm. It was one more fresh bright spot
of pain to join all the others in her body, the hurt mingling with the tense
pleasure that was aggressively thudding through her. She saw indistinct black
shapes screaming against her eyelids, lost her breath, and was spent.
Almost as soon as she had gone limp, blood still pounding in her eardrums from
the orgasm, Levi stood up. He didn’t walk away, instead looming over her, his
face silhouetted by the lights from the ceiling. Made it difficult to see what
he might be thinking.
Then he sneered; his face was shadowed but she could hear it in his voice. "So
that is all it takes to win against you. Would you give in so easily to a Titan
if it offered to make you come?"
Rage immediately replaced the looseness in her muscles with coiled tension.
Mikasa didn't even wait for her eyes to open before moving against him,
swinging her feet to take his knees out from under him. Levi went down hard,
and before he could roll and recover she was on top of him.
She should beat him to death for that remark. She thought about it, his wrist
clamped in her left hand and her right hand taut, ready to strike. How many
times would she have to pound his head into the stone ground before his skull
was crushed?
But Levi was smiling, just barely. A slight lift to the corner of his mouth
that was easy to miss. It wasn't a cruel smile, nor mocking. He looked almost
excited.
And she could feel how excited he was elsewhere as well. Mikasa was straddling
him, her knees on either side of his ribcage, and she knew that was his
erection pressing into the back of her thigh. She let her fist drop and sat up,
leaning back against his cock and noticing the way it made him tense.
"You are disappointing,” she said. “You want me to reciprocate? Why should I
care?"
Levi laughed. "You think it would teach me some kind of lesson to leave me
unsatisfied?"
Mikasa rocked back against him experimentally. "I could kill you right now."
"Ackerman, you have the ability to kill most of the people who surround you
every day. Few of us could stop you. That doesn't--scare me." Levi almost
managed to remain composed, but his voice hitched on the last words. His skin
was flushing, a blotchy red slowly encroaching from his throat to his cheeks.
It was an interesting kind of power to have over someone. Mikasa reached behind
herself experimentally, her fingers finding the shape of his cock and
squeezing. It sent a stutter of tension through his upper body but he
maintained eye contact. She understood: he was letting her know that unlike
her, he was not too much of a coward to avoid eye contact and thus pretend he
wasn’t asking for this.
It just made her angrier. She still had his right hand trapped in her left, and
she released the hold enough to drag her fingernails hard down the soft skin of
his wrist. Levi sighed at that, his head tilting back to show his neck in a way
that was--pretty. She had never thought that about him before, and it startled
her. But he was pretty, his body stretched out beneath her and his muscles
shaking because of her, because of what she was doing to him.
She shifted until his cock was no longer behind her but rather between her
legs, a blunt hard shape that was easy to move against. Mikasa rolled her hips
to test this and couldn’t hold back a gasp at the friction it created,
especially when Levi pushed up against her at the same time.
Levi reached down with his free hand to do--something, she wasn’t sure, because
she caught his hand before he could do anything. Now she had both of his wrists
held to the ground above his head, and she wasn’t sure why that seemed so
necessary, but--
“Just let me,” she said, her voice sounding completely different to her own
ears. Levi’s eyes widened and then his arms were slack, compliant in her hands.
“Why not,” he said, his voice matching her strained tone.
His teeth clicked together in a sucked-in breath when she started grinding
against him in earnest. Mikasa had no idea what she was doing, but she
remembered how merciless his own hand had been against her, how he had used
enough pressure to bruise but instead it had felt good.
And he was so pliant underneath her. His cock was hard, straining and hot
between her legs, but the rest of him was in a state of total surrender, his
hands relaxed in her grip and his ribcage lifted up and open to follow the
angle of his shoulders. Levi was panting, his cheeks flushed with color, and
his forehead rested against his bicep. He wasn’t meeting her eyes anymore; his
gaze looked entirely unfocused.
The sight of him and the feel of him sparked an insistent warmth in her cunt,
her body eager to come again. It made her move all the more urgently and she
closed her eyes, her whole self focused on riding him. There was something
about it that reminded her of the first time she’d ever flown through the air
using the 3D maneuver gear, a skinny weak twelve-year-old who, for the first
time, felt like she was doing something her body was made to do. There was an
echo of that kind of purity here, and she tried to chase it--
“Stop.” Levi twisted his wrist out of her grip, breaking her out of the spell.
Mikasa stilled and opened her eyes again; Levi had a fist in her shirt, his
fingers digging into the side of her hip. He was gasping for breath now, his
eyes wild.
“I’m going to come in my pants, if you don’t stop,” he explained.
“So? That’s what I just did,” Mikasa said, impatient to get back to what she
was doing.
Levi huffed and rolled his eyes. “Yes, idiot, but it’ll make more of a mess
when I do it. Move.”
Mikasa glared but sat up enough to let Levi undo his pants. His hands were
trembling but his fingers moved quickly, unlacing his pants just enough to pull
out his cock. It was red and curved and wet at the tip, and something about the
sight forced the breath out of her chest. It seemed realer, somehow, to see him
naked like this, as opposed to touching each other through a layer of clothing.
While she was distracted by staring at him, Levi grabbed the cravat he wore
around his neck and draped it over his fingers before taking himself in hand.
It was so that he didn’t come on his shirt, Mikasa realized--at the same time
as he realized that he was going to get himself off, instead of letting her do
it. Something like a snarl came out of her mouth and she grabbed his wrist
again, pulling his hand away and snatching the bit of silk from him.
Mikasa arranged the kerchief over his cock so that it would (hopefully--she
could only guess) prevent Levi’s come from going anywhere else. When she
squeezed him, the fabric was cool to the touch but getting warmer, and already
faintly wet with his pre-come.
She liked the way his cock felt in her hand, heavier than she would have
guessed. Mikasa squeezed him hard, wanting to see how much pressure he could
take and still like it, and--the answer was a lot, judging from the way his
legs fell open and his teeth dug into his lip. She started moving her hand,
trying to squeeze hard and stroke at the same time, and Levi definitely felt it
even with the cravat as a buffer: he banged his head back against the floor and
groaned, a guttural noise that she never would have imagined him capable of.
“Just don’t--make a mess--” Levi said, his voice barely audible as his hips
matched the rhythm of her grip. Mikasa was sure that she wasn’t doing a perfect
job, never having held one of these things before, but it seemed to be working.
The greater the pressure she exerted with her grip, the more Levi reacted, his
shoulders tensing up and the muscles in his stomach clenching and trembling as
his hips bucked.
He came with his eyes closed and his mouth wide open in a silent cry. Mikasa
felt the cloth in her hand get wet, and she did her best to catch all of it, a
task made difficult because Levi continued pumping into her grip through his
orgasm. It seemed to last a long time, a moment suspended in wet silk and the
twisted look on Levi’s face, before his features finally went slack and he
slumped back against the floor.
The only noise in the room was their breathing, and her own heartbeat hammering
in her ears. Mikasa had no idea what to do with the now-soaking handkerchief
getting her hand wet; a moment ago this hadn’t fazed her, but now it seemed
distasteful. Mikasa swiped the cloth along the length of Levi’s cock, eliciting
a sound that was awfully close to a whimper, then dropped it to the side,
wiping the excess on her hand onto the floor.
She rolled off of him onto her back. Now that the adrenaline from the fight and
the sex was fading, she could feel how much her throat still hurt from the
near-strangulation, not to mention the bruising that was starting in the many
other places Levi had hit. She touched her clavicle gingerly and winced at how
that sent pain sparking through her whole torso. Her shoulder wasn’t
dislocated, but her collar bone might have been fractured. She wasn’t certain.
She knew, without needing to look, that Levi was similarly taking stock beside
her. He had hit his head quite badly when she’d thrown him into the table--had
she given him a concussion? She was fairly certain that concussed people didn’t
just jump into sex, but still.
She tried to remember the fury that made her start this fight. Feeling guilty
over it now was pointless, but--still.
Thankfully Levi didn’t seem to expect a reply from her. She heard the soft
noises that seemed to indicate he was tucking his cock back in his pants and
getting to his feet. When she did finally glance at him, she could see that
while his movements were careful, he didn't seem to be stiff from pain or
favoring any injured part. He bent to retrieve his cravat, making a face and
taking care to fold it so that he didn't have to touch the sticky part. If you
had asked Mikasa yesterday whether she could imagine Corporal Levi cleaning up
his own come, she would have laughed--it would have been impossible for her to
imagine someone so fastidious and intimidating ejaculating in the first place.
Her own pants were sticky as well, she realized. She'd gotten so wet that she
could now feel her own slickness cooling between her legs, and it was--
uncomfortable. She needed to change. More than that, she needed to sleep, as it
had become a fight to keep her eyes open.
Levi turned on his heel to leave, and Mikasa pushed herself up on her elbows to
watch him go. She felt like she should say something, but she had no idea what.
It made her wish for Armin, even if that was an odd place for her mind to go
after sex and violence; but she knew he would know exactly what to say.
When Levi was at the door, he paused, and glanced back at her over his
shoulder.
"You'll want to be more careful of that scarf," he said. "I know it's not much
of a risk when you're fighting titans, but what if you someday have to fight
the female titan in her human form? I'm not saying don't wear it, but be more
mindful. You don't want to hand your opponent free access to a noose around
your neck."
Mikasa bristled at Levi mentioning her scarf, Eren's scarf, and her hand went
to clutch at it automatically. She opened her mouth to reply angrily, but what
came out was,
"Thanks."
Because her scarf was none of Levi's business, but the look in his eyes said
that he knew it was none of his business--he had been giving her a suggestion,
not a command from a superior officer. And he was right. It annoyed her that he
was right, but before this fight they'd had, it would have made her furious
rather than just annoyed.
Levi gave her a curt nod, still not quite moving to leave. When he opened his
mouth again, he hesitated before speaking.
“I won’t make you empty promises. I don’t know if we can get him back. But I do
know that neither Erwin nor I will prevent you from trying, and we wouldn’t let
you try without help.”
Mikasa couldn’t look at him. Levi had just gotten her off using only the heel
of his hand, yet somehow the offer of sympathy made her feel too exposed.
Despite all her anger and the damage she’d tried to inflict on him, it was
clear that Levi could see how lost she was.
She was too spent to feel the kind of rage and anxiety that had been consuming
her before the fight, and an animal fear was the only thing left.
Thankfully, Levi didn’t seem to expect a response. She heard him sigh, before
muttering "And-get some sleep.”
Mikasa blinked, surprised, and when she looked at him again it was his turn to
avoid her gaze, seeming suddenly embarrassed. He ran a hand through his hair
and then slipped out the door without saying anything else.
Mikasa stood, unable to hold back a hiss of pain as she did so. Her back, where
Levi had landed a solid kick, was already throbbing; she felt like she'd been
trampled by a horse. She retrieved the chair she had used to clobber Levi,
tucking it neatly back under the table before limping back to the quarters she
shared with Sasha, Krista and Ymir.
When she saw her bed, she lost any desire to wash up or change into her sleep
clothes. She fell into bed still wearing her 3DM straps, and slept deeply.
***
She woke up disoriented, and it took her a few moments to figure out why: this
was the first time that she had woken up naturally, as opposed to by the bell
for morning duty, in years. Usually that bell woke her at dawn, but when she
pushed up to a sitting position, she could see bright midday light streaming
through the windows.
She was also alone in the room, with no sign of Sasha, Krista or Ymir. Mikasa's
first instinct was to be horrified and afraid (anyone caught oversleeping had
suffered badly at Shadis' hand back when they were trainees), then confused.
Even if she had managed to sleep past the morning bell, why had no one come to
yell at her? It wasn't like her roommates to let her just lie here, and she’d
been scheduled to assist with routine stable maintenance today.
There wasn't time to sit and contemplate it. Mikasa rolled out of bed, thankful
that falling asleep with her gear on, while painful and uncomfortable, at least
meant that she didn't have to waste time getting dressed. She even still had
her boots on.
When Mikasa got out of the barracks and into the soldiers’ yard, she was
dismayed to find that it was even later in the day than she'd thought--the sun
was closer to setting than it was to midday. Fuck, how could she have let this
happen, especially during such an important time? How much had she missed, what
if the commanders had reached a decision regarding Eren, what if a squad had
already assembled and left without her?
Mikasa was halfway across the yard without any clear goal in mind, thinking
vaguely of going to report to whichever officer was on duty, and she didn't
notice Armin's presence until he grabbed her arm and she realized that he had
called out her name a few times now, but she hadn't been listening.
"Mikasa, will you wait? You owe me some explanations!"
Mikasa slowed to a stop, blinking at him. She felt like there were a lot of
things she needed to explain, but her mind was still waking up, and it was
difficult to grasp what exactly Armin was referring to. "I overslept."
Armin waved that away impatiently. "I know that, we were all informed not to
disturb you and that you were out for the day. I'm talking about Corporal
Levi."
Mikasa felt her cheeks get instantly hot. She tucked her chin into her scarf,
then felt even more embarrassed when she realized she was automatically
resorting to a defensive habit she'd hoped to outgrow.
"What are you talking about?" She tried to protest, but her voice sounded
guilty and abashed even to her own ears.
Armin glared at her and shoved her bad collarbone, his eyes narrowing in
certainty when she gave a yelp of pain. How the hell had he already figured out
where she was injured?
"The Corporal has bruises all over his face and you look just as terrible. You
got in a fight with him, didn't you?" Armin's hands were balled into fists at
his sides, and it was difficult for Mikasa to catch up to his anger, to land on
the reason why he might care who she fought.
"What were you thinking? The two of you are the best we've got, there's
absolutely no chance of getting Eren back if either of you are down for the
count! How could you risk injuring yourself or Levi at a time like this?"
Armin was nearly yelling at her, and Mikasa understood why, now: he was walking
the same edge as she was, fighting off his own submission to despair with every
passing minute. There were deep hollows under his eyes and his face looked red,
almost feverish.
Armin needed her. He needed her to be present and focused if he was going to
keep his own will intact. Armin was going to find a way to get Eren back, but
he was hanging onto his determination by a thread, and she couldn't ask him to
fear for her own sanity in addition to the monumental task that was maintaining
hope that Eren was alive. She couldn't fall apart the way she had been.
Mikasa put her arms around him, and her shoulder complained loudly but moving
it was not a problem, which told her that at least it wasn't fractured. "I'm
sorry," she said, her voice muffled by Armin's shoulder. "I was irresponsible."
Armin returned her embrace, allowing himself to cling to her briefly before he
pulled away, composing himself again. "Do you have any major injuries?"
Mikasa shook her head. "Just bruises." She touched her cheek, scraped up and
painful where Levi had ground her face into the floor with his boot. She felt a
strange sort of thrill at the memory. "I'm sure Levi is fine too."
She was sure Armin noticed her calling Corporal Levi by his first name, but he
didn't comment on it. "Well, I'm glad that you were at least able to catch up
on sleep. You won't catch any Titans while running on fumes."
Mikasa remembered then what Armin had said earlier and frowned. "Why was I
allowed to sleep so late?"
Armin gave her the look she got when he thought she was being deliberately
obtuse. "It was probably the Corporal's way of apologizing for beating you up.
That, or he'd noticed that you've been a sleepless zombie who does nothing but
drool everywhere since we got back."
"I don't drool," Mikasa said. For some reason, Armin's (probably false)
hypothesis that Levi was concerned about her made her want to hide her face I'm
her scarf again. She shook it off. "If I've been released from maintenance
duty, then I'm going to go find a punching bag."
Armin sighed. "At least eat something first."
Mikasa smiled and took his hand, squeezing it. "Sure."
Armin nodded, looking relieved. He got the picture: he knew that if he needed
to bounce ideas off of her, or even just needed her to be a quiet presence in
the room while he studied what little intelligence they had, she would drop
everything to be there for him.
"Oh! Uh, one thing," Armin said when Mikasa turned to go. When she looked back,
he cringed and avoided her eyes.
"Corporal Levi, um, gave me orders. He said that if your hair wasn't damp the
next time I saw you, I'm supposed to make you go back to your dorm and take a
bath before you do anything else."
Mikasa stared.
"Not that I can make you," Armin added. He didn't say that he was sure that if
she disobeyed, Levi would find out somehow and make her sorry, but it was
implied.
"Do I smell? Never mind," Mikasa said quickly when she saw Armin hesitate.
"That asshole. Why does he care about how often I bathe?"
"Well, to be fair, I think he cares about how often we all bathe," Armin said,
diplomatic as ever.
"I hate him," Mikasa said under her breath. If Armin heard, he didn't say
anything to contradict her, nor did he comment on her walking away from the
sparring rooms and back toward the dorm showers.
The showers used by the military were crude things; the water pumped through
the metal pipes was usually cold. But there was always the option to pay a
little in order to get the water for your stall heated, a treat that most
soldiers could only rarely afford. Mikasa didn’t usually care, but this time
she paid for two batches of hot water, enough for a shower many times longer
than what she usually gave herself. She didn’t understand why she had been
given the day off, and she understood even less why Levi cared about her
getting a shower in. But why not take advantage?
It was difficult at first, to still herself under the stream of water. She
thought longingly of the sparring rooms, of hitting the punching bag again and
again until she was too exhausted to feel--but she had spent herself so fully
with Levi last night that, if she were honest with herself, she didn’t think
her muscles had anything left. Thinking about fighting right now was more like
a desire for a desire, an echo of a need that she had already fulfilled.
The hot water was making her shoulder feel a little better, as she’d known it
would. Finally getting some sleep had also helped her physical state immensely.
Mikasa realized that it was unnecessary to resent Levi for facilitating the
improvement, but it was a debt that she didn’t have room for, a strangely
positive development that she felt guilty for having when Eren was in such
danger.
She didn’t know what she’d do if there wasn’t a decision soon about whether or
not there’d be a rescue mission. If the military leaders decided that it wasn’t
worth it, she and Armin would have to set out on their own. Either way, Mikasa
just needed to know.
Levi’s face wandered into her mind, and for once she didn’t imagine him as she
had before, his eyes uncaring and almost amused as he slammed his knee into
Eren’s face. She was stuck on a new vision of Levi in her now, a crystal-clear
memory of how he’d looked as he came, his mouth open and his eyes screwed shut
as his muscles spasmed through his orgasm. Her cheeks felt suddenly hot in a
way that had nothing to do with the temperature of the shower, and she tried to
focus on scrubbing her neck, arms and chest. Think of something else.
But Levi--what if Levi were more determined to save Eren than she’d given him
credit for? The image of him leaving the military behind to go on a suicide
mission with her and Armin was insane, but she was no longer sure that it was
impossible.
He hadn’t asked for her trust. Somehow that made her more inclined to give it.
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