Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/5152859.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      No_Archive_Warnings_Apply, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Subarashiki_Kono_Sekai_|_The_World_Ends_With_You
  Relationship:
      Kiryu_Yoshiya/Sakuraba_Neku, Bito_"Beat"_Daisukenojou/Sakuraba_Neku,
      Misaki_Shiki_&_Sakuraba_Neku, Bito_"Beat"_Daisukenojo_&_Sakuraba_Neku,
      Kiryu_Yoshiya_&_Kitaniji_Megumi
  Character:
      Sakuraba_Neku, Kiryu_"Joshua"_Yoshiya, Bito_"Beat"_Daisukenojou, Misaki
      Shiki, Hanekoma_Sanae, the_underappreciated_memory_of_Kitaniji_Megumi
  Additional Tags:
      Fanfiction, Post-Game, Supernatural_Elements, Grief, Unhealthy_Polyamory,
      Depression, Smut, technical_necrophilia, Telepathy-related_Paraphilias,
      Soft_Guro, joshneku_is_the_a-plot_while_beatneku_is_very_much_the_b-plot
      sorry
  Series:
      Part 10 of Step_Aside_and_See_the_World
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-11-06 Completed: 2016-01-14 Chapters: 32/32 Words: 150592
****** Between the Black Dirt ******
by surskitty
Summary
     What's a 'work-life' balance? Joshua might not have one, but Neku
     assumed his would be in pretty good shape. Pity he forgot his friends
     have opinions of their own. (Sequel to Keep Your Eyes on This
     Corruption; updates Mondays and Fridays; total wordcount 150k. If
     you're just looking for smut, kinks are in the end of chapter notes
     where applicable.)
Notes
     I don't really do trigger warnings with fanfic, so blanket warnings
     for Neku and Joshua generally not being in remotely good headspaces
     re: depression, Neku's family sucking, and Joshua's entire life not
     being anything to write home about. Neku makes a lot of bad decisions
     but he ends up on reasonably okay terms with everyone by the end of
     it. Also, (rot13_for_spoilers) Orng naq Arxh ner qngvat ng gur fgneg
     bs vg naq gura oernx hc, ohg gurve sevraqfuvc erznvaf ernyyl
     vzcbegnag gb Arxh guebhtubhg, fb.
     But again! Updates Mondays and Fridays and I have it all written
     already, so no worries there; I actually just started on the sequel
     to this. Chapter count is subject to change, but should give you a
     good idea of how long it'll take for the whole thing to be posted:
     whenever I split a chapter, it's all going to end up posted on the
     same day. I just want consistent-sized bites for you to read! :Db
     Major thanks to Kim for encouragement and betaing and Quicksilver_Ink
     for encouragement!
***** Chapter 1 *****
University is so much better than high school, thank fuck, even if he's got
different classmates he needs to get used to. They're all artists, though, and
Neku enjoys his classes way more than he thought he would. He figured he'd like
them, but still, they're nicer than he'd thought to hope.
Even if still lifes are bullshit and he wants to punch everyone who thought
drawing the same few objects over and over was a good idea for entry-level
drawing classes. Art should be fun, not … whatever that is.
He's just started to get into the groove of it all when summer break starts up,
and even if he's expecting it, it's still disappointing.
I dont think im gonna move back home, he texts his friends, and he leans back
in his desk chair. He'd known he didn't like living with his parents, but two
short months of being out of their flat and … yeah, he ain't going back if he
can avoid it. He'd share a flat with some of his classmates before that, and
he'd be closer to campus to boot.
sounds good 2 me, Beat types back, and there's a lot of reasons Neku loves the
guy and this is definitely one of them. It'd be nice if they could live
together someday, though Neku knows it'll be a while before they could live in
Shibuya on their own. Beat'd probably be happy so long as they're close, but
Neku ….
There will always be a place for you here, Conductor Sakuraba, Joshua texts
back, and Neku sighs. Yeah, that reason. Joshua hasn't been pushing anything
since Neku agreed to the title, but it's too much to hope he isn't planning
anything. He's the Composer. Planning things is his job, and Neku knows Joshua
wants him to be a Shibuya resident again as fast as possible, rent prices
notwithstanding.
He sends off a text to Shiki about meeting up sometime, then flips through his
contact list. There's only so much tone you can convey over text, and he needs
to get this through to Joshua clearly. "Hey," Neku says as soon as he hears the
click. "I'm not going to ditch you, you know."
"I wasn't worried," Joshua says blithely, but Neku knows him and knows they're
always on a tightrope. It's just how their relationship goes; he can't see them
ever thinking they can assume anything. "You've only just started uni, Neku; I
hardly expect you to give up your social life for my convenience."
"Well, good," Neku says, but it'd be better if he really had a social life
beyond the dregs of everyone else's. "So, since we're clear I'm living here for
now, there anything you'd want me to drop by for?"
Joshua's silent for a moment, and it's so odd how Neku never hears his
breathing over the phone. He's dead, of course, so it's not like he needs to,
but it is -- strange. "There's nothing immediately vital," he says eventually,
"but it would be good to introduce you to the reapers, Neku."
"They already know me," Neku says easily, and it's true, from a certain point
of view. He's definitely met them all, anyway, and they probably can spot him
from a crowd, even if only from the shit Joshua's pulled. "I'm not going to be
official for a while, am I?" He sure hopes not, anyway.
"At your own pace," Joshua reassures him; "there's no need to rush. No, I was
actually thinking you might wish to attend our Tanabata party? It's purely a
social event, and you're welcome to bring your Daisukenojo along; neither of
you would be the only humans."
"A party?" Neku echoes. He hadn't really -- well, Joshua does live in a fancy-
ass bar and lounge. "What, at your place?"
"Tradition," he says absently, and it's funny how much can be thrown into one
word. "Megumi started it -- said it promotes 'community bonding' -- and I
thought it was a good idea. Half of the attendees will be former Players and
reapers; you two wouldn't stand out and it would be an excellent opportunity to
socialize."
And it would make Joshua happy, Neku finishes. Well, if Neku wouldn't be the
only one breathing …. "Yeah, sure," he says, "though I'll need to ask Beat what
he thinks. You mind sending me the details?"
"Of course, Neku," and Neku's phone beeps: text received. Must be nice to be
composer: look, no hands! "I'll inform you if I have any need of you, hm?"
Yeah, and he'll probably be a presumptuous douchebag while doing so, Neku
thinks, though Joshua really isn't that bad. Just seems like it sometimes.
"Don't be a stranger," Neku says back, and he's tempted to just hang up. He
doesn't, though.
"… Be well, Neku," Joshua says, and he cuts the call. Funny how he can put all
his expectations into three words and all Neku can do is take it. Josh isn't a
bad guy, but … he's definitely high maintenance, and Neku's not always sure
he's got his own stuff under control.
It'll be okay, though, and he looks through the details Josh sent him before
forwarding them to Beat with a wanna go? yn
y Beat types back, and that's it. He's got plans now. And the party itself
doesn't actually conflict with Tanabata, either, so he can chill at the
festival as much as he likes. Given how much he hates crowds, that probably
isn't going to be much, but it's the thought that counts.
Neku's not a reaper, and he doesn't think he wants to be, either. But if he's
going to see dead people, and especially if he's stuck being able to judge the
mood of a crowd … he doesn't want to be the only one. Trying to talk to people
when you know what's going on in their head sucks, and he doesn't know how he
feels about the reaper girl. She's easy enough to get along with, but that's no
surprise: he's going to be someone important if Joshua has any say in the
matter, and he's lonely.
Sitting here moping about it doesn't do any good, though, so he pulls out his
sketchbook and draws. It'll work out one way or another, and there's plenty of
people staying local for clubs and such; he's never truly alone.
It'll be fine.
===============================================================================
Even if meeting up with Shiki on her day off's more than a bit awkward. "Long
time no see!" he says cheerfully when he spots her at the train station, and
she blushes a bit as she waves back.
She looks so much more mature than she did a few months ago; it's amazing what
starting a job can do sometimes. "Hey, Neku," she says, smiling, and Neku pulls
her into a hug, Shibuya running through his ears and veins. It's good to be
home, even if he can sense her own subtle foreignness, her family being a short
train ride away.
"So how have you been?" he asks, and she goes into a lengthy explanation of her
current project. She's still at the bottom of the hierarchy, but a CAT
recommendation's good for something, and they're keeping her busy, sewing some
days and learning more about the design process others. He's kind of jealous,
actually, with how she and Eri've both been actually getting somewhere while
he's stuck in school, but they're all moving forward.
(Or at least moving, and for a moment, he considers telling her about Joshua.
No, it can wait, he decides; it's rare enough they can have a nice chat like
this for him to ruin it with stuff she'll take more seriously than she needs
to. Neku is fine, honestly; Joshua isn't pressuring him into giving up the
Realground.)
"Neku?" Shiki says eventually, and he hears the echoes of her thoughts enough
to know she's noticed he's been quiet. "How have you been doing? I know your
reaper friend was pulling shit; you know you can tell me if you have problems,
right?"
And then they'll sound worse than they are, he adds silently, to Shibuya's
displeasure. Neku can make his own decisions, and Shiki doesn't know Joshua; he
doubts she'd understand. "It's all been fine, Shiki," he says, and he knows she
doesn't believe him. "Josh is happy for me, I think, and my classes are
awesome. Hey, did I ever show you what I'm going to do as my summer project?"
"You're dodging," Shiki says quietly, and Neku frowns. "Look, if you don't want
to talk about it, we can just not talk about it, but the last I heard was he
and Mr H wanted you to do something you didn't tell me much about and then
nothing, Neku. And Beat doesn't seem to know much, either."
And Neku's going to keep it that way. "Josh wanted something basically
harmless," he states, and it's even true. "I'm just -- he did some things so
I've got more power in the UG, okay? It's not going to get in the way of
anything, and yeah Mr H is a total dick and you should tell Eri to stay the
fuck away from him, but there's nothing you need to worry about, Shiki. It's
fine."
She pulls up her full height, fists clenched at her waist, and Neku isn't sure
how to appease her. An imprint, or something -- and Joshua clamps down on his
psi with a spike of pain in his head as Neku recoils. Yeah, that was a
seriously bad idea; thanks, Josh. "Neku," she says, voice flat, and he curls in
on himself a little, "we all worry about you and it scares me that you're
getting involved with this shit. We're alive, Neku; please just focus on this
world, okay?"
"I can't," he admits, and Shiki gives him a Look, the explain now one. He takes
a deep breath and lets it out in one go: "I'm friends with the composer and I
think he's in love with me."
A moment. Another moment, in which Joshua gifts him the sound of his palm
slapping his forehead, and -- "What?" Shiki says blankly.
"My reaper friend? He's the composer," Neku blurts out, and he's not going to
get into the whole job offer thing. It's just -- it's just a show of
friendship, that Joshua isn't wasting his time by being with Neku, nothing to
worry about. "I've told you this before, Shiki, I swear, but he's got some kind
of -- mind mojo, or whatever, and it's really hard for most people to remember,
because he doesn't like being shot at --"
"This is the reaper who killed you?" Shiki checks, and Neku nods slowly,
decisively. "He's in love with you."
"He thinks he is, anyway," Neku confirms, "and -- he's my friend; he's not
forcing me into anything." Probably, anyway, and fuck his life. "It's okay."
"Does Beat know?" she says finally, and anger and shame flashes through him at
what he reads off her. How dare she -- no, it's a reasonable question; he's
been covering up enough that cheating wouldn't be a surprise.
He takes a moment to calm himself, conscious of the composer's quiet
intervention, and nods. "He knows we're friends, and he knows we've -- we've
fucked a few times, and as far as I know, he's okay with it. I'm not -- I'm not
going behind Beat's back for this, Shiki, I swear I would never do that."
She stares at him for a moment longer, then nods. "Sorry I assumed that of
you," she says, and he slumps.
"No, it was a reasonable question," he replies, and he hates that it's true. "I
haven't been -- trusting you and Beat enough, and I'm sorry, Shiki. I'm going
to do better about that, I promise. … Are we okay?"
She inhales slowly, then lets it out. It's good Shibuya makes it easy for him
to keep them inconspicuous; the last thing he needs is strangers overtly
listening, though he thinks a few people have noticed they were arguing before
moving on. "I think so, Neku," she says, reaching up to adjust her glasses, and
he realizes her eyes are wet. "Is there anything else you should tell me?"
Joshua wants him to be the conductor. His final entry fee made it so he's
always going to see dead people no matter what he does, so he'd better get used
to it. He can scan people right now and he doesn't know how to stop, only to
stay in enough of a crowd to drown out anyone he's talking to. "I don't think
so," he says casually. "I'll let you know if anything comes up."
"I trust you," she says, and his stomach flips, but he stands by it.
===============================================================================
He's tempted to bolt home with his tail between his legs after that
conversation, but for all his faults, Neku isn't a coward. It's been at least a
few weeks since he's been home in Shibuya, and he ought to make the most of it.
Even if looking up at Beat's apartment building is more daunting than it has
any right to be. Rhyme should be off today, though he doesn't know Beat's
schedule, and the Bitou parents are more than happy to let him come over so
long as he's a good influence, but … Beat's not somebody he'd ask for sympathy
when he's the one lying. Nobody is, but Beat's an honest sort and he deserves
someone who'll treat him with the same respect in return.
"You're only delaying the inevitable," Joshua says, and Neku turns to find him
a few meters away, somehow ethereal like the dead man he is. "They'll find out
eventually, and when they do, they'll turn against me. Your friends all have
bright futures, Neku; there's little I can give you that you want, much less
need."
Neku snorts. "You're my friend, too," he states, and Joshua chuckles. "You're
right: I don't need anything from you, but I like our friendship and I don't
want to have to pick between you all. So trust your partner, all right? I'll
figure it out."
"I know you'll try," he says quietly, and Neku bristles at the lack of faith.
"If anyone can do it, Neku, it's you, but I've been running my UG without a
conductor for a few years now; I can manage for a few more."
"Would we still be friends if I turned you down?" he asks rhetorically, and
Joshua gazes off into the distance. "Then don't worry about it, Josh; I'll get
my degree and join you and she'll come around eventually."
"I hope you're right," Joshua replies, and he glances up at the building,
pinpointing the Bitous' window. "Inform Daisukenojo it's casual dress; I'll see
you both at the party, though I must warn you my own attendance will be
limited."
"Can't give Pi Face too much of a head start, huh" he quips, and Joshua smiles.
"Yeah, I get you. See you then, huh?"
Joshua waves, already vanishing, and all Neku hears in reply is a faint be
well, Neku.
He'll try, but he's got too much shit to balance and no clue how to handle it.
Beat could do better, he thinks, and he heads back home.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The day of the party comes sooner than he would expect, and part of him's
tempted to say fuck it and stay home all day instead. It's just summer blues,
though, and he reminds himself of this as he looks through his closet.
He needs things to do, and a party with Beat is a good idea, especially if
it'll help him ease Beat into Neku being involved with the UG for good. He
won't kill people; he won't do any of the things that still give him
nightmares, but Joshua wants his help and you help your friends, even if
they're assholes. He can back out if he needs to; it just hurts that Shiki
thinks any involvement at all is too much. Can't he make his own decisions?
Beat used to be a reaper, Neku knows; maybe he would understand. It's better
than nothing, and he's going to have a nice time at this party and hopefully
Beat will, too. He agreed to go, after all.
He'd better not have agreed just because he misses me, Neku thinks grumpily,
and he misses having Joshua to push his unwanted thoughts down. There's a
composer here, too, he knows, but they're a stranger to him and the more
realistic parts of his brain know they're going to stay that way. He's
Shibuya's, after all, and the thought warms him more than it probably should.
Joshua always keeps his place one of the cold Narakas, and Neku can't picture
that changing just because he's actually using his space for once, so Neku
takes his time picking out an outfit fit for both the weather and Joshua's
shitty dead taste. You'd think it'd be easier to match the ambient temperature,
but no, he's got a grudge against their subtropical climate. Bastard.
Casual dress, probably pants instead of skirts, since -- actually, they're
reapers. They probably don't care, and that makes things easy: he picks out a
cute Natural Puppy floral dress and packs a jacket and a warm set of trousers
in his bag, then heads out.
Shibuya welcomes him, as usual, and he feels Joshua waving to him in
acknowledgement as he gets off the train. Just a friendly mental hello, a I'm
glad you could make it, and then the composer's attention leaves him for more
important things. It's a lot of work to set up a party, Neku assumes, and he
puts Joshua out of mind in return as he heads over to Beat's place,
uncomfortably aware his parents might be home. Best not to let them find out
their son's dating a crossdresser, and so he doesn't go up to the building,
instead staying safely out of sight range as he texts Beat to come down.
Neku spots him first, of course -- there are perks to telepathy -- and it's all
he can do to not throw himself in Beat's arms. It's just so nice to see his
friend, and Beat catches his eye and lights up.
"Phones!" he says, pulling Neku into a hug, and Neku melts into the contact,
even if Beat's cellphone's digging into his shoulders. "I'm sorry I ain't been
visiting much; it's been kind of busy, with the weather and all --" he starts,
but Neku shakes his head and pulls him down for a kiss.
His smile feels adorable and Neku enjoys just the feel of it, though they're
too public to really get into it. "I know, Beat, and I'm so glad your job's
working out for you," he says, and Beat goes red as he looks away, rubbing his
neck. "I haven't been able to get myself out of the dorms much, myself, and I
don't even have a reason …."
"Everybody's in a funk sometimes," he says authoritatively, and Neku believes
him. "You got in! You've been doing stuff! I am so proud of you, bro, you don't
even know."
Neku laughs in relief, trying not to think about all the shit he might be less
proud of. "You going to be okay at the party?" he asks suddenly, and Beat
freezes for a moment.
"Sure," he says, and Neku knows forced calm when he sees it. "Why wouldn't I
be?"
Because everyone there has died at least once. "Shiki's been nervous about me
hanging out with some of the reapers," he says instead. "Just wanted to know
how you felt about it."
"Shit, man, we gotta do this now?" he says, and Neku looks down. No better
time, not when he's going to be in a room full of them in an hour. "The whole
reaper thing -- it wouldn't have been so bad, if it weren't for you and Rhyme
and everyone," he says eventually, and Neku hates that he has to dreg this shit
up, but if he's going to even try to win Beat over about all the Joshua shit,
he needs to start small. "They ain't bad people, none of them, and they sort of
-- looked after me, a little. Not that I saw it at the time."
There's a lot of stuff neither of them saw, back then. "Go on," he says, unsure
if Beat wants contact or distance.
Distance, for now, and Neku wishes he could do something for him. "Reapers
don't get skipped ahead to the next day," he says finally, voice hoarse. "That
meant I got a lot of downtime and not much to do with it, besides try to get
Rhyme out -- anyway. They kept me from getting too far into my head, you know?
I'm grateful, even if I don't like them."
"I'm glad," Neku says quietly, gently leading him to a more secluded spot and
pulling the district around them. "You needed looking after."
"I did." His face is a bit wet, and Neku'd bet this is the only time he's
talked about this. "I don't know how to feel about -- any of this, Neku," he
admits, and it hurts to hear, but Neku trusts him to think before he acts. "I
trust you, and you got to do what you got to do, but even if none of these
folks would leave you in the lurch, they ain't -- they ain't good people, and I
worry when you get too involved with them."
How involved is 'too' involved? How far out of it can he even get? "They won't
hurt me," he says firmly, and Beat nods faintly.
"I still ain't comfortable with it, but I sure as hell won't leave you to go it
alone," he swears, and Neku glows with pride. "I told you I'd go with you, and
I meant it, Neku. You're my friend and I'm too damn stupid to give up now."
"You're not stupid," Neku assures him, and he stands up on his toes to lay a
kiss on Beat's forehead. Beat's such a good guy, and he's smarter than Neku
sometimes, too, even if Neku's the one who got good grades. Japanese class
ain't everything.
Beat tries not to look at him, his hat flopping over his eyes, but he's happy,
and Neku kisses his nose, too. Then his chin, and then -- yes, he has a lovely
collarbone, and Neku should suck on that, too, seeing as his shirt frames it so
nicely. "Neku," he says, a bit hoarse again for a much better reason, "we kinda
…."
"No one will notice," Neku promises. "I've picked up a few tricks: we're
invisible, and nobody's going to care of we're late."
But Beat might care, he feels, but Neku tries to brush away his concerns and he
nods uncertainly. "So long as you're sure," he settles on, and Neku slides his
hands up his shirt to squeeze his waist, trailing along his body as Neku tries
to recall his anatomy lessons. Latissimus dorsi, down to the iliac crest, and
then the start of the glutes, all his muscles still skateboarder-firm and Beat
squirms as Neku feels the muscle underneath his fat padding. Beat would make an
excellent model if he could hold still for long enough, and Neku's tempted to
try sometime.
"Fuck, Neku," he manages, and Neku smirks up at him. "You know I can't go in
and get changed after this, not if I want to get back out tonight."
"I'll just have to not make a mess," Neku proclaims, and he gently leads him
over to a bench, trying not to care about the people he sees down in the RG.
They shouldn't see them, not with them slightly uptuned and Neku asking the
city for privacy, but it doesn't stop Beat from warily eyeing them as Neku sits
down and directs Beat to keep standing.
There really isn't anything quite like giving a blowjob, and Neku understands
by now why Joshua likes it so much. He grins up at Beat, his lips evilly
lopsided, and his partner goes beet red. Jackpot.
"Don't worry about being rough," Neku says, his fingers in Beat's waistband as
he tries to pull his pants down with his teeth, and damn is that harder than it
sounds. "I kind of want to walk in looking well-fucked."
"Yo, aren't you close to some of them?" he interjects, but that's most of the
point. Josh could use the reminder he's not Neku's boyfriend, and as for the
rest of the reapers … Neku doesn't give a shit about their opinion and doesn't
care who knows it.
Beep beep.
Neku swears, letting go of Beat's waistband as he jerks back to check his
phone, and there's a foil packet taped to the back. Bemused, he pulls the tape
off and tries to ignore Beat's questioning look.
Text from Joshua, not that he's surprised, and he looks it over before deleting
it with a glare. The both of you may be clean, but you should form better
habits, Conductor. STDs are unpleasant at best.
"It's just spam," he tells him, but he does take out the condom packet and
unwrap it, checking for holes. Looks fine to him, he supposes, and he pulls out
Beat's dick with his hands as Beat squeaks, totally without dignity.
"Warn a guy!" Beat says, but that's enough warning: Neku unrolls it along his
length, then leans in to pull the head into his mouth. It feels more like
sucking on a balloon than it really should, taste included, but it isn't bad.
Just different, and he spares a second to curse interfering composers.
But Beat seems happy, and that's the important thing, Neku supposes, running
his tongue along the underside. The condom provides just enough protection for
him to not worry too much about brushing his teeth against Beat's cock, no real
risk of snagging his foreskin, and Beat groans appreciatively, his hand on
Neku's shoulder.
"You mind if I --" Beat starts, and Neku hums approval, letting him slowly push
into his mouth, trying to get the angle right. The plastic triggers a bone-deep
reflex -- can't breathe -- but it's only for a moment before Beat pulls back,
and Neku's fine, really. It's good, to know he's putting that tender wonder on
his friend's face, and the condom's smoother than a bare cock would be, for
better or worse.
Beat's so gentle as he fucks his mouth -- makes love to it, more like -- and
Neku just wants him to be happy. He deserves to be happy, a sweetheart like
him, and Beat might feel the same about him but Neku has trouble believing it.
Easier to push away his concerns by listening in to Beat's enjoyment as he runs
his hand along Beat's cock, paying attention to know when to press harder and
how best to surprise him.
If he needs to be psychic, let him do something useful with it; Beat's a good
guy and Neku wants him to feel good.
And he is, he knows, Beat murmuring sweet nothings as he runs his hands along
Neku's shoulders, his neck, his face, his chest, everything convenient except
for his hair, and Neku loves him so much, loves this young man barely anyone
expects stuff from, and he's aware for more reasons than the obvious when Beat
stiffens and comes. Nothing hitting his mouth, of course, and that's -- weird.
Weirder still when they both pull back and Beat collapses onto the bench with
him, and Neku realizes that just because he's a bit telepathic doesn't mean he
got off, too. It just means his cock's hard and aching and he's too tired to
want anything done about it. He'll recover in a minute, he's sure, but he has
that strange aimless feeling that comes from masturbating too many times in one
day, even if he hasn't gotten off at all.
"Thanks," Neku says. "I wanted to do that."
"Dude, any time you want to go down on me, be my guest," Beat replies sleepily,
carefully removing the condom from his softening cock and tying it off. "You
got anywhere to put this, though?"
Ugh, talk about things he doesn't want in his bag. He takes it from his hands,
then drops it on the ground, conscious of Beat's scandalized horror.
"Composer?" Neku calls, and it's weird not using his name. Not as weird as what
he wants, though. "You wanted me to be careful, so you should be the one to
clean up."
The used condom disappears with the ting of a bell, and Beat stares at him.
"You got the composer to take care of your trash?"
Not usually, okay; he's not that lazy! "Josh is pretty high ranking," he says
slowly, trying to find the right way to phrase this, "so the composer kind of …
keeps an eye on me."
"And the head honcho makes sure you don't litter," Beat concludes in disbelief,
and Neku shrugs. Something like that. "Shit, man, talk about people who I don't
want to notice me."
"He's not that bad," Neku says automatically, and Beat shivers, even though
it's too damn hot and humid. Ugh, fooling around was not the best idea he's
had, and the languid satisfaction of getting his boyfriend off's wearing thin,
what with their sweat and all. "He's kind of a dick, but he's not likely to
pull anything, I don't think."
"The boss guy or your friend?" Beat says, and Neku wishes he could just tell
him. They're both the same person, and Neku's going to be in charge someday,
too, or close to it, but Neku can't tell him that when he still shudders at the
thought of the guy who'd brought them back to life, like he'd change his mind
if they gave him the chance.
No one who isn't a composer candidate themselves can remember me, Joshua'd told
him once, and Neku'd let out a shiver of his own at his memory of their duel. A
security precaution, he'd explained: Shibuya won't accept just anyone as its
composer, and if reapers could find out what he looked like by scanning
someone, he'd have assassination attempts anytime he went into the Realground.
Neku can say what he likes in Shibuya, but to Beat and Shiki, Joshua's just a
very unsettling and very dangerous reaper, not anyone otherwise notable at all.
It's easier to lie. It's even easier to keep from saying hey, I'm supposed to
be the conductor now and know none of that fear and mistrust is directed at
him, no matter if he knows Joshua hasn't asked much of him, won't dare press so
long as he thinks he can get Neku's willing cooperation.
(Joshua's manipulating him and he knows it. He even thinks he knows how and why
and what their limits are, what's the most Joshua'd ask or Neku'd take, but
what if he's wrong? Joshua's betrayed him before, and they both know it.
(He feels Joshua brushing against his mind when he realizes Neku's thinking
about him, and then he immediately snaps back, trying to leave Neku his
privacy. Joshua doesn't want to hurt him, Neku knows, but they aren't -- they
aren't equipped for this. They're so far out of their depths here, and Neku
barely knows if there even is a bottom.)
"I love you," Neku murmurs, pulling Beat closer, and it isn't fair to use him
like this. Not when Neku can't bring himself to talk about so many things. "I'm
really happy you're here."
"Shit, man," Beat says, tugging on him until he flops onto his lap a little.
"You don't ever have to worry, Neku; you're my best friend and I don't know
what I'd do without you."
"You'd work something out." Beat might be sweaty, but his arms are so warm and
Neku likes having them wrapped around him, his head in the crook of Beat's arm,
and not even muggy Tokyo weather detracts from that. They might have somewhere
else they ought to be, but some things are important, and this is one of them.
Beat exhales slowly, thinking. It's a good look on his face, his brow furrowing
as he puts his thoughts in order, and Neku's full of pride that he taught him
to look before he leaps. "You don't have to go to the thing if you don't want
to," he says tentatively, and Neku tenses.
"I do want to," he assures him, but Beat seems unconvinced. "There's been some
shit going on, Beat; that's all. Ex-Players tend to be good people; we're going
to have a good time."
"Damn right we will," Beat says, and Neku smiles. "You know you can tell me if
you're having problems, right?"
He's not having problems, exactly. "I know, Beat," he says back, trying to
sound like he means it. "There's nothing anyone needs to worry about; I just
got some shit on my mind, sorry."
"Aight." He leans back, and Neku pulls himself up, getting ready to leave as
Beat stretches. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, Phones,
but I'll listen when you do, yeah?"
"Yeah," Neku says, and this smile's small and honest. "Let's get ourselves to
the gig, yeah?"
"Fuck yeah."
===============================================================================
Joshua'd made an allowance for their living guests, and Neku is fucking
grateful they don't have to trek through the sewers on their way to hang out
with some jerks Neku isn't even sure he likes. Instead, they make their ways
over to Dogenzaka and knock on the door to Ramen Don, a bit more disheveled
than Neku really wants to be in front of the ramen guy. Foresight, the hell is
that?
"We're closed tonight!" the old man calls out gruffly, and Neku knocks again.
Begrudgingly, the man opens the door and smiles widely at them in clear
recognition. "You looking for your friends, young man?" he says to Beat, and
Beat flushes. "If they'd told me you were coming, I'd've started some curry
already."
"Neku's my friend, sir," Beat stammers, and Neku scratches his neck awkwardly.
"Damn, didn't think you'd remember me …."
"I remember every brat Kariya drags in," he says, not unkindly, and this guy
knows the reapers? Like, actually? "And you! I know the young man who saved my
shop, too. Head straight down and check the restroom; the composer has a sense
of humor. Tell them all to send their requests through a runner: I don't want
to witness any underage drinking if I can avoid it. And as for you two, you
need to stay sober enough to not make a mess of my shop on your way home,
understood?"
Neku's still stuck on this guy knowing of the composer, but Beat nods their
agreement and they make their escape, scurrying to the bathroom as instructed.
They open the door and --
-- the Dead God's Pad seems almost friendly tonight, a bass beat reverberating
through the floor as neon lights illuminate the various chairs and tables along
the sides of the room, and there are people everywhere, mostly around their
age. Nobody has their wings out, and the only way Neku'd even know some of them
are reapers is the spotty distortion his scanning picks up, the pervasive sense
of Shibuya providing enough interference for him to feel normal.
He's welcome here, and he pulls Beat in with him.
Chapter End Notes
     Blowjobs, outdoor sex; both with Beat!
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
A few heads turn as Neku strides in, trying his best to put on an easy
confidence, and he hears Beat following him uneasily. He's seen most of the
faces around before, usually under a hat or hoodie, but there's plenty of
people he hasn't, either, or not away from school. Locals, all of them, and
they might not recognize him, but they all understand he belongs.
"You think there's rules about the food bar over there?" Beat whispers into his
ear, and Neku shrugs.
"No idea," he whispers back, and he pulls out his phone to text Joshua a heads
up. They're here; now what?
Take whatever you'd like; you've a personal invitation from the host, after
all. The punch is spiked, but everything else on that table should be safe.
Don't accept anything without confirming that the gifter knows you're alive.
Ominous, but probably good advice. Especially since he remembers some of the
stuff behind the bar: reapers are big on the reminders of one's own mortality
thing. "Don't drink the punch," Neku warns him, "but the rest should be okay."
Beat looks at him -- how's he know that? -- then shrugs and heads over to the
food bar, picking out some snacks. It all looks pretty good, food for the dead
or not, and Neku makes his own way over, glancing around for familiar faces as
he snags some takoyaki.
"Look what the cat dragged in," a woman drawls, and Neku turns to see Pinky and
Lollipop, casually claiming a beanbag chair as their own. "Since when do we let
ex-Players go to these things?" she says, and Neku frowns at her. He's not the
only living person here, he's pretty sure.
"Ah, leave it, Uzuki," Lollipop says, and he tosses Neku a wink. "Ex-reapers,
ex-Players, same difference: so long as we're all Game people, who cares?"
"I care!" she snaps, and Neku's tempted to just walk away. He kind of likes
pissing her off by existing, though, so he hops up onto the arm of a couch and
keeps paying attention, not even pretending not to listen. "You know their type
always get all touchy about the erasing people blah blah, like it's our fault
we've got jobs; I don't come here for that shit, you know? They can breathe
somewhere else: this spot's for us."
Lollipop snorts, and that wave of the hand reminds him more than a bit of
Joshua. "They ain't screaming; let them be, Zu. You know you can always chew
them out later if you got to."
She fumes for a moment, kicking the wall grumpily, but he has a point and even
Pinky in a foul mood can see that. "Fine. I will," she swears, and Neku
snickers. She turns on him, all ruffled feathers and hands like claws, but Neku
just gives her a shit-eating grin and she's delighted, always up for someone
who isn't intimidated. "So, pipsqueak, there a reason you and your fail-out
freshmeat are here?" she says, and he's pretty sure she isn't actually mad.
He's tempted to share the real reason -- reapers never expect the composer to
act on their own -- but it's not the time for it. "I got an invite," he says.
"Got to say, though: when I heard the party's to die for, I didn't think they
meant boredom."
"Give it an hour," Lollipop advises. "Everyone's still sober, more or less, but
that won't last, and when some people get trashed, they get trashed, you get
what I'm saying?"
Neku smirks in acknowledgement, but Pinky's just got to explain the joke: "He
means the math freak starts on his living sculpture."
Of course he does. "I think you need to be living first," Neku points out, and
she sticks out her tongue.
"Better watch out," she says, "because he's not going to have to work with
you."
So she thinks, but Neku's supposed to be the conductor. Eventually, anyway, and
for now, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. "Yeah, so I don't care if anyone
takes pictures," he points out, and Kariya chuckles. "No matter what happens
tonight, I'll still have my dignity." With that said, he hops down and goes to
find his friends, waving as he makes his exit.
That's two decent impressions down, fifteen more to go. Wonderful. And that's
assuming he only talks to the reapers, but given how a lot of the people he
doesn't recognize seem kind of old, that's not a bad assumption.
"So is your reaper friend here?" Beat asks him, and Neku shrugs.
"I don't see him anywhere, but he lives here, so he's got to be, right?" he
says, and his stomach flips. Probably better if Joshua doesn't show, all things
considered: he's a target for any reaper who knows who he is, and Neku doesn't
want to find out if they can tell. Even if Joshua can handle it, he remembers
what the third week felt like, and he's never going to take someone going after
his friends lightly.
Joshua chuckles, and Neku feels it in his bones. I appreciate your concern,
young conductor, he says, imprint echoing with the sense of Shibuya's approval,
and Neku shivers. Joshua's his friend, but the composer ….
They're the same person; Neku has to remember that. "I thought only the
composer stayed here," Beat says slowly, and Neku jerks up.
A crackle, and the speaker nearest them turns on. "It's not uncommon for
officers to also withdraw from the RG," the synth says, and a few people jump
at the sound of the composer's favorite vocaloid. "Our work is never done, and
We'll gladly host anyone who devotes their time for Shibuya's sake, young
Sakuraba included."
Oh, hell, Josh; could you have not drawn Beat's attention to him for once? "The
composer likes me," Neku says shakily, and Joshua cuts in, autotuned voice
unnaturally smooth.
"He did very well in the three-week Game, as did you, Daisukenojo Bitou," and
something about his voice brooks no argument. "You'll both be welcome in My
domain for a long time indeed."
And Beat can't tell if he wants to yell about his given name or run screaming
from the whole thing, and Neku wishes he could give him a hug. Joshua can be
terrifying sometimes, and he isn't even really doing anything -- but Beat
straightens and says with as much respect and formality as he can muster:
"Thank you for bringing back Rhyme."
"She earned that on her own merit," the composer corrects, and Beat stiffens.
"You owe Me no thanks, nor will I accept them."
So much for that, even if Neku's relieved he's not going to be full of himself
about it. "… Right," Beat says, and he turns away, snagging Neku's sleeve
without looking to lead him off to the bar, where he plops down on a stool and
asks the poor bastard manning it for a cola. Neku gets himself a coffee, and
they sit in silence as Beat puts his thoughts together. "I hate this place," he
says eventually, and Neku's shoulders drop.
It's really not that bad, even if the company's lackluster. "I'm sorry," Neku
says, for lack of anything better, and Beat sighs.
"Not your fault, bro," he says, and he swigs his soda. "I don't know what I
expected, but everything about this -- it's just the worst bits of my life back
to haunt me, and I don't -- I don't know how to deal with this, Phones, I'm
sorry."
"One step at a time," he advises, and it really is the only way. "I can get us
somewhere quiet to stay, if it'd help."
He mulls that over, and Neku hopes so badly Beat won't need to run. There's no
way he can make this all work if Beat can't even handle staying here somewhere
safe-ish. "Would you?" he says, and Neku smiles in relief.
"Come on," he says, offering Beat his hand, and they take their drinks with
them. The layout of this place has changed each time he's been here, but he
remembers there being a good napping spot, and that's just what they could use
right now.
Beat hesitates when he realizes Neku's taking them towards the restrooms, but
Neku tugs a bit and he follows obediently as they step over a very drunk Pi
Face and pass the sinks. (Somebody's been pre-gaming, if he's already
plastered.) Neku feels at the wall, and -- aha! It's a door, though maybe only
because he looked.
"After you?" he says, holding it, and Beat gets some of his color back as he
walks through.
It's the same nap room Neku's seen before, only this time he can close the door
behind him, and he locks it for good measure. It's not that big, but there's a
comfy-looking bed next to the bioluminescent jellyfish tank, and Beat gingerly
sits down on it. "What's with the fish?"
"I like fish," Joshua says in his own voice, and they both jump as they look
around. He's perched on a cabinet, looking almost ghostlike in the dim room,
and Beat tenses, though Neku doesn't think he's upset, exactly. "I find them
calming, and seeing as I'm one of the few people who use this place …."
"Hello, Joshua," Neku says tiredly, and Beat frowns. "Beat, this is Joshua.
Josh, this is Beat."
Joshua chuckles. "It's very nice to meet you formally," he says, and even
knowing he's probably sincere doesn't make him sound it. "Neku's spoken well of
you."
Beat looks at Neku helplessly, like it's his fault Joshua's a weirdo. "Yeah,
uh, nice to meet you too?" he says, at a loss. "Though I swear I've seen you
before …."
"Oh, you have," he says easily. "It's hardly important, however, so don't
strain yourself: what matters is that you're Neku's friend, and so feel free to
make yourself at home."
Beat sure thinks it's important, and Neku can't blame him, but the less he's
reminded of the second week right now, the better. "We will," Neku says, and
Joshua brightens. "Beat needed somewhere to relax, so I'm busy right now, but
text me if you need me, all right?"
"Of course." He hops down, all lithe grace, and turns away, presumably heading
back to wherever he's been watching the party. "Be well, Neku, Daisuke -
- Beat."
And there's the full name again, Neku notices, though he did correct himself.
Had to be on purpose, though, and whatever Joshua's trying to prove … Neku
doesn't like it. "So that's the guy," Beat says, and Neku exhales slowly.
"Yeah," he says. "Yeah, that's Joshua."
"Bit of a priss," he observes, and Neku barks a laugh.
"You have no idea." It seems like he's gone, so Neku sits down, too, and slides
his hand up to rub Beat's back. "He's not a bad guy, but he's a total brat and
he's shy, too. Bet this is the closest he'll get to the party all night." It'd
better be, or nobody's going to erase him because Neku'll get there first.
"He lives here, don't he?" Beat points out rhetorically. "You'd think he'd at
least show up to something in his own house, even if he ain't the host."
And he is the host, so it's even weirder, Neku supposes, but etiquette's
probably different when everyone wants to kill you. "He's shy," Neku says
again. "It took him ages for him to find me again after the -- after,
remember?"
Beat snorts, and Neku leans on him, trying to be comforting. All this stuff's
wearing him out, but Neku hopes Beat'll get used to it enough to understand
Neku enjoys it. "He did kill you," he mutters, and it's true. Joshua's used him
and abused him and ruined Neku's life, but he's not the same person now that he
was then.
"I don't forgive him," he says slowly, "but I trust him, and I'm not -- I'm not
going to tolerate him pulling even a fraction of that bullshit again. He knows
that, too, and I think he even relies on that, a little. If he's trying to
manipulate me -- if he won't tell me what and how and why when I press … I only
got so much patience for bullshit, and I can deal with a guy who's fucked up
bad who wants to do right by me. I won't bother if he's not worth it, but he
is, he's being very careful not to fuck up real bad, and I. I like him, you
know?"
"Yeah," Beat murmurs, and Neku's eyes are a bit wet as he presses his face into
Beat's shoulder and Beat pulls him in for a hug. His arms are so thick and
muscular and Neku never wants to leave them. "I know."
"I want you to like him," he adds, and his voice is cracking, but Beat's got
nothing to say to that. "He's a mess and I know he's a mess and he's not even
really a good person, he's just not a bad one, and I wish you -- I know he's
weird and he's really easy to hate, but would you give him a chance? For my
sake?"
More silence. "He's a reaper," he says eventually. "I know they ain't all bad
people, but that's shit you don't need to get into and I'm gonna try, Neku, I'm
gonna try because I love you, but this shit makes me real uncomfortable and I
don't know how much I can take."
That's a yes. It's not a strong yes; it's probably the weakest yes he's heard
all day; but that's a yes and maybe he can make this work. "Thank you," he lets
out in a sob, and maybe it's undignified but he lets himself melt against
Beat's chest, too.
He's so warm. So warm and it's a little weird, actually, that Neku feels his
heart beating and his chest breathing and all the little movements that come
with life, but it's good. It's how he's supposed to be, and they cuddle like
that for a while as they both try to calm down. "I love you," Neku says, and he
tilts his head up to go in for a kiss.
Beat's slow to respond -- he's still thinking about the Joshua thing, Neku
senses, and if he could always have the scanning dimmed to intent and
impressions, he would -- but he's only reserved, not uninterested, and he
kisses back, shy but firm. His lips feel good against Neku's mouth, and Neku
moves into his lap properly, his skirt loose enough to let him bracket Beat's
thighs as Beat leans back, nervous. "Not that I ain't flattered," he says, "but
I don't think this is the place."
"There's a shower right there and I bet you ¥500 nobody'd care if I take you
right here," Neku says briskly, and Beat flushes. "I can even check if you want
me to."
"Fuck, Neku," he says, and Neku goes in to suck on his neck, and -- "Fuck,
Neku."
You don't mind, do you? he sends Joshua quickly, barely glancing at his phone
as he thinks more than types, and Joshua laughs mentally.
He's mortal, he makes you happy, and you're in Shibuya, he says easily,
indulgent in Neku's absurd thought he could possibly be jealous. Use a condom
and I'll have nothing to complain about.
Josh can always complain, but it's good to know he doesn't mind. Thanks, he
says back, meaning it, and Joshua chuckles again.
Keep your thoughts on your partner, and we'll call it even, hm? he quips, and
Neku'll get right on that. I'll leave you to your privacy, then.
"We're allowed," Neku says out loud, and he grinds his ass down on Beat's
thighs to hear him groan. "Come on, let's get washed up."
"Can't believe you actually asked," he mutters, but he gets up when Neku does
and he quickly sheds his clothes, calloused hands running over Neku's shoulders
as they scramble over to the shower, and this is wonderful. They've rented love
hotels before, but this is comfier, Joshua's place more familiar despite the
stark aesthetic, and Neku hopes so badly he and Beat will be together long
enough to get a place of their own so they can do this any time they want.
But this is nice, too, Joshua's place adding a forbidden allure even with his
blessing, and the shower's just big enough to let them wash each other off,
them both casually fumbling with each other's erections just because they can.
"Wash my gel out, would you?" Neku says, guiding Beat's hands to his scalp. "We
might as well stay overnight."
Beat's parents might notice, Neku hears him think, but they've got the composer
on their side. "It'll be fine," Neku adds, and Beat concedes, if reluctantly.
Neku moans as he works through his hair, though, and Neku feels Beat's libido
wearing through his concerns.
The composer's pad is just a fancy apartment, and there's no reason Beat needs
to keep that bone-deep terror at the thought of it. No one's trying to erase
them and no one will, and Shades is gone and never coming back. The reapers
aren't a threat, and Neku's tempted to kiss him until his brain comes out his
ears.
That can come later, though, and Neku tosses Beat two of the towels left on the
counter before wrapping one around himself and the other on his hair. It's
weird how he cares about modesty now they're done showering, but it's nice just
to relax together like this.
"I could get used to this," Beat mutters, and Neku laughs. "What? It ain't like
I'm ever gonna have a fraction of this space of my own."
"Yeah, but it's in the sewer," he points out, smiling, and Beat's mouth drops
open. "I don't think I want this much space at that price."
"Shit, nah," Beat agrees, and they shuffle back out, Neku squeezing Beat's ass
for a laugh. "Hey, man, give me a sec!" he yelps, but Neku just tackles him
back down onto the nap bed, towels forgotten.
God, he's beautiful, his hair contrasting nicely with the flush from the
shower, and Beat himself's looking up at him with fond wonder. Neku could do
what he wants with him with his blessing, and right now what Neku wants is to
kiss him again, his foot sliding behind Beat's knee for balance, and Beat
slides his water-softened fingers along Neku's ass, firm and comforting.
It's Beat who was having a rough time, though, so Neku pulls himself up enough
to look him over. "You still tired?" he checks, and Beat nods shakily. "How
about you roll over and I do all the work, then."
Beat lights up -- he always likes it when Neku feels like giving him a good
work over -- and Neku kisses him again, before sliding off him enough to let
him move. There's got to be supplies around here somewhere, with the composer
being who he is, and Neku searches the cabinet under the jellyfish tank to see
if there's -- ah, good, lube and condoms. Exactly what he wanted, and he's got
to mock Josh for being an interfering sap sometime.
He's so fucking beautiful like this, and Neku crouches over his back so he can
rub his shoulders and try working some knots out. His muscles are tense, and
Neku leans in to kiss his neck as Beat groans. "Come on and fuck me already,"
he grumbles, but Neku shushes him.
"Patience." It's not like they get many chances, with Beat still staying with
his family and Neku at his dorm. "We've got time."
Beat doesn't bother with words after that, whining a bit as Neku feels along
his spine, and Neku carefully avoids touching the scar marks between his
shoulder blades. They might be nothing, but Beat was a reaper once, and -- Neku
won't risk it, not with him breathing hard as soon as Neku even lets his
fingers get near them.
(Beat used to have wings, and a little bit of Neku's jealous at the thought.
Not for the associated power, but … he's seen Joshua blissed out at Neku
touching his wings. He's also seen Joshua's utter terror at Neku pulling
memories out of his mind, and that's a temptation Neku never needs. Not with
Beat, dear god not with Beat.)
"Feels weird," Beat admits, as Neku's fingers dig into the muscle a bit below
where his wings once attached. "It ain't bad, but …"
Neku could give him his wings back, Shibuya informs him, and he goes a bit pale
at the thought. He's not exactly human anymore, is he, and Beat doesn't know.
You're Neku, Joshua tells him again, amused, and I'll be very displeased if you
start building people their wings, Shibuya's approval or no.
And if Joshua keeps shooting down every nasty idea in Neku's head, they might
actually get through this. "You looked good with wings," Neku admits, "but you
look better now."
"I feel better," Beat says back, a bit warily. "You gonna, or …."
"Oops," he says insincerely, and he squeezes some lube onto his palm so he can
grope Beat with a smirk. Beat yelps, his cock wilting a bit from the still-cold
liquid, but they both laugh and Neku comfortably massages him hard again,
before redirecting his attentions to his own. Lube, condom, more lube, and he
slaps his ass experimentally as Beat jerks and gives him a look.
"You gonna be a brat today?" he says rhetorically, but his expression's fond
and Neku shrugs sheepishly. "Can't say I mind too much."
"I'm a true pain in the ass," he agrees, running his fingers along the crevice
before pressing his thumb on Beat's anus. Not hard or anything, but enough for
Beat to shoot him a look at his bad joke as he relaxes enough to let Neku ease
in. Beat sighs as he does, content, and Neku leans in to kiss his back, sucking
on the skin a little.
He's beautiful, and Neku wants him to be happy. That's all that's important to
him right now, and the faint cyan light leaves them both looking washed out,
alien. As dead as everyone else in this damn place, and Neku jerks his hand
forward harder than he'd meant as Beat yelps, startled by the pressure in his
ass, but Neku senses the echoes of it and he didn't hurt him. Good.
He doesn't ever want to hurt him, and if he can't tell him everything just yet,
he can still show he cares, and he takes his hand away to carefully line his
cock up, wrapping his arms around Beat's shoulders. It'd be simpler to ease
himself in with his hands, but he knows what he wants and it's good, feeling
his cock tease at Beat's perineum as he tries to piggyback on his partner. It
takes him a few grinding thrusts to slide the head in, even with his psi
helping his aim, but he rests his forehead on Beat's back and feels him
shudder.
"Your hair," he says, trying not to laugh, and Neku shakes his head to tickle
him on purpose. "Phones!"
"What?" he says innocently, lifting his head enough to stop dragging his bangs.
Beat cranes back to look at him, but Neku rocks forward and whatever he was
going to say is drowned out by a groan. "Not my fault you're ticklish."
"Feels like something's crawling on me, bro," he grumbles, and Neku takes pity
on him, keeping his head up. Yeah, okay, hair brushing the small of your back's
got to suck, but it's Beat's fault for being tall. He mutters encouraging dirty
talk as he tries to work him over, slowly pulling most of the way out only to
pound back in with a wet clapping sound, and Beat jerks forward with every
thrust, his own hand clutching his cock as Neku keeps pulling himself forward
as he clings to his chest.
Beat's such a good guy, and Neku's caught by surprise by his own orgasm, all of
him tightening as Beat clenches down on him and he releases, his psi picking up
Beat's need enough to urge him into thrusting a bit more, no matter how tired
he is, until Beat splatters onto the bed and they both slump.
"I love you," Neku tells Beat's spine, and Beat says something back that's
muffled by the pillow. "… What was that?"
He turns into his shoulder, and Neku sheepishly grabs the condom and slides
out, already softening. "I said I hope we don't get in trouble for the mess,"
he says seriously, and Neku laughs.
"If Josh bugs you about it, he'll have to deal with me," Neku promises, and
Beat scrunches his face up.
"This is his room?" he asks warily, and Neku shrugs. Every room is his room in
this place, but it doesn't matter. "That guy wigs me out."
"He's not that bad," Neku says again. "Here, let me." He rolls off his back and
pulls him over with him, then taps the wall with his foot, trying to get a good
enough rhythm for Shibuya's music to follow his will. It takes a few attempts,
but he knows he got them and the bed cleaner, and he senses the composer
depositing the rest in the trash.
Beat goes quiet at that display, and Neku nuzzles him, reaching around him for
a hug as he shuffles up to be the big spoon, Beat's superior height be damned.
His hair's soft, and Neku kisses the top of his head. "I got a few tricks,"
Neku explains, "but nothing you need to worry too much about, all right?"
"Yeah," he concedes. "Just weird, is all."
"And I'm getting pretty good at not scanning people when I don't mean to," he
adds, and he hears Beat wondering if he already knew Neku was psychic. (He
didn't, but for once, Neku doesn't mind letting things pass as Beat's spotty
memory. Less stress that way.)
"Are you a reaper and I just didn't know?" Beat asks quietly, and Neku pauses.
"You've been acting strange lately, Phones."
He has. "I'm not a reaper," he says honestly. "I've just picked up a few
tricks, that's all."
"Oh," he says. "Good," and Neku feels him relaxing next to him, putting his
worries out of mind where they belong. They're still friends, and Neku doesn't
ever want to make him uncomfortable if he can avoid it, but Neku likes Joshua,
too, and if he can keep from picking between them ….
He'll do what he has to for it to work out. The details can come later, and he
lets himself drift off to sleep.
Chapter End Notes
     Anal and aaaaaaaaangst.
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It's early when they hear a knock on the door, and Beat snaps up. Neku's less
quick on the draw, but he too groggily pokes his head up to see what the noise
is, and he sets his hand on Beat's shoulder, sleepily aware he doesn't
recognize where they are.
"What is it?" Neku calls, and Beat slumps back down, realizing it isn't the
third week all over again.
"I made breakfast," Joshua replies through the door, oddly unmuffled even as he
leaves them their privacy, and Neku's grateful, though not as much as Beat.
"Take your time getting up, however; it'll keep until you're ready."
"Thank you!" he calls, falling back to rejoin Beat. He'd rolled over during the
night and ended up half on top of Neku, but Neku doesn't mind, comfortably
curled up under Beat's chin as he is. If he has a warm cocoon made of boyfriend
and blankets, all to the better, and they just woke up, after all. They can
bask in it, or Neku could …
Beat catches his wrist as he reaches for him, but he's not annoyed. "We should
probably get up," he says tiredly, and maybe he's right. Neku doesn't want to
move, though, and Beat adds: "I was supposed to go home last night, you know."
"Think the composer took care of it," Neku says absently, and Beat winces.
"It's early; Rhyme probably knows you're okay, and your folks won't be worrying
with the composer keeping an eye on things. It's all good."
"Should still check," he mumbles, and Neku looks around to dig out their stuff.
He's sure he didn't bring a set of pyjamas, but he takes that and passes Beat's
phone over, yawning. Beat startles when he flips it open, and Neku cracks an
eye to look at him: "It really is early," he says, amazed, and Neku grins.
"Told you." They turned in early, too, so it's not that much of a surprise, but
Josh's kept Neku to a schedule before: of course he wouldn't let Beat sleep in,
either. "Anything you want to do before heading back?"
Beat stretches, grabbing his (clean again) shirt, and Neku knows he's aware of
their morning wood. "Nah," he says, getting up to head to the bathroom. "Think
we should just grab breakfast and head out, if that's okay with you."
He'd be lying if he said he wasn't hoping for a quickie, but last night was
strange and Neku supposes Beat might need time to think. Bummer. "All right,"
Neku says, trying to keep his disappointment out of his voice, and he slumps
back into bed for now.
Beat can shower alone, if he's going to be like that, and Neku senses him
watching him as he buries himself back into the blankets, his phone in his
hand. Eventually, he leaves to wash up, and Neku groans.
I dont know what im doing WRONG, he types out, then sends it to Joshua against
his better judgement. Whys he so mopey?
I suspect he'd take offense if he knew you were asking me this, Neku, Joshua
replies, and Neku glowers at the screen. Take a deep breath and get your
thoughts in order, then consider how this looks to him. That's all I'll say for
now, I'm afraid.
Sanctimonious bastard, like he actually cares how other people feel. I think he
hates you, he types out, then deletes it without sending. He doesn't need to
tell him that; Joshua probably knows, anyway.
He probably knows Neku considered saying it, too, and he growls into his
blanket. How's he supposed to stay friends with somebody who can see all his
ugliest thoughts? And then with Beat and Shiki, he'd rather not let them see
any of it at all.
Neku just isn't that good a person, not the way his friends are. If he were,
he'd probably be just as bothered by the reapers as they are: they kill people,
after all, and even if they're already dead, that ain't right. Not in the
slightest, and he feels Joshua slipping into his mind, paper-light, to let him
know there are things he'd like to talk to him about.
Of course there are, and of course there's twice as much Joshua should tell him
but doesn't want to. The bastard's full of secrets, and so is Neku these days,
only Neku's going to have to come clean sooner or later.
Joshua'll probably be secrets all the way down whenever he's finally erased,
and even if Neku wants that to be as far off as possible, that doesn't make the
thought any more palatable.
I want you to know everything you might need, but I want your friendship more
than that, Joshua texts him, and Neku curls his lip at it. I've no interest in
rushing you into anything you might regret, not when we have time to take it
slow, but I want you as my conductor and I'm willing to wait as long as I need.
And how long is that? His patience can't be limitless, but Neku hears the water
shutting off and pushes the thought down. Plenty of time to drag it out of him
later, and he thinks Joshua might even enjoy the attempt.
"I'm out," Beat says unnecessarily, and Neku lights up at the sight of him,
dressed in a simple t-shirt and shorts. "You can go next, if you want."
"I'll clean up after eating," Neku says, and he gives Beat a good-morning kiss.
Beat softens into it, and they embrace like that for a while, unwilling to
move, but there's food they ought to eat and Neku leads him back out to the
lounge.
It's a bit of a mess from last night's party, belongings scattered around the
room (though no trash, Neku notes), but there aren't any stragglers and Neku's
grateful. Just Joshua behind the bar, finishing up an omelet, and Neku eyes the
food on the table lustily. "Thanks for breakfast!" he says as he dives for the
couch, and Beat follows along, neither of their manners sure how to handle a
host who's still cooking.
"I can make more of anything," Joshua calls, and Neku snorts, the absurdity of
the situation hitting him. "Anything that's left over will get eaten, I assure
you, but eat as much as you like."
"Will do," Beat says eagerly, filling up his plate, but he stops to look at
Neku instead of shoving any of it into his mouth. "This ain't reaper food, is
it?" he whispers, and Neku shrugs slightly. "Because I been in their kitchen,
and let me tell you, some of that shit is not right."
"Josh wouldn't poison you," Neku snaps back, irrationally irritated. It's one
thing when Neku gets nervous about it, but Beat barely even knows the guy. "He
knows we're alive, and I'd never forgive him, anyway."
He mulls this over, then digs in, concerns forgotten. Neku does, too, and damn,
Joshua went all out. Pancakes, rice, fresh bread, eggs … it's way too much food
for two people, even with them being Beat and Neku, and they've finished almost
all of it by the time Joshua joins them on the other couch and gets himself a
small bowl of eggs.
"You ain't hungry?" Beat asks. Joshua shrugs.
"I don't need to eat," he admits, and Beat looks down. "I enjoy cooking,
however -- I trust the food was to your liking?"
An awkward pause. "Beat'll eat just about anything," Neku says with authority,
and Joshua smiles, not unkindly. Beat doesn't know how to take it, though, and
fucking hell, can they please get along? He can't even blame Joshua for that
much of it: he's being unusually well-behaved, and even knowing he probably
really isn't planning anything can't shake Neku's vague feeling of dread.
Joshua meets his eyes for a moment, then turns to Beat, and the sense of the
composer's full attention leaves the hair on Neku's neck standing on end.
"Pardon me for my bluntness," he starts, and Neku already wants him to shut up,
"but are you more bothered by whatever Neku's feelings towards me may be, or
the fact of our association at all?"
Beat stares at him, and it's only Joshua's power lightly wrapped around Neku's
own that keeps him from automatically looking for the answer, his self-control
nearly nonexistent with Shibuya eager to obey his every whim. "Uh."
This has already gone too far. "Josh, you're being rude," Neku says, but they
both just give him a look and tune him out.
"I ain't bothered by Neku liking other people," Beat says, and Joshua smiles,
all teeth. "He can like whoever he wants, and it don't mean he likes me any
less. Even if it's prissy bastards like you."
"You simply dislike me, then," Joshua finishes, and Beat nods sharply. "I can't
say I'm surprised."
"And you can't say you care, either," Beat snaps, then pales as he realises
what he just said. "Sorry, that was …."
Joshua exhales sharply as he pushes his hair back behind his ear and leans
away, tired. "You're correct: I don't care what you think of me," he says, and
Neku wishes he thought it'd help at all if he broke into this. "Neku likes you,
however, and I would rather not be the fracture point in your friendship. If
you have something to say to me, say it."
"Joshua," Neku says, and he and Beat both look at him, but they don't stop this
damn pissing contest. Beat's maybe thinking about it, maybe considering how
Neku feels about them fighting like this, but he opens his mouth and:
"Why'd you kill him?" he blurts out, and Joshua's small smile just feeds his
rage; Beat can't stand secrets and deception and that's all Joshua is
sometimes, or at least it feels like it, and right now it's hard to give him
the benefit of the doubt. "He hadn't even done anything to you -- how do you
fucking justify throwing him into that and then you just -- you just fucking
made us breakfast like it's nothing! What the hell is wrong with you!?"
"It was a while ago," Neku starts, but Joshua raises a finger and he falls
silent. Damn it; there's no way whatever he has to say is going to help.
Joshua thinks about it, and Neku suspects he's putting his words in order, but
to Beat it just seems like he's stalling and Neku wishes he wasn't here, wishes
he didn't think testing the waters with Beat and the reapers was ever a good
idea, but if wishes were fishes, he couldn't fit them all into the tank.
"I thought it would be easier if he hated me," Joshua says eventually, and Neku
freezes. "For a while, it was. Anything I could say in my defense will only
make me look worse in your eyes, but Neku knows my reasons and he trusts me,
even if he doesn't forgive me. He alone has the right to judge me, Daisukenojo
Bitou, and if I dote on him on the rare occasion he's within my reach … that's
between us, I suppose."
Beat says nothing to that at first, and Neku's grateful. Joshua might have
started the fight, but he's just getting it all out into the open, and he
deserves a chance. "I still don't like you," Beat says eventually, and Joshua
inclines his head.
"I don't expect you to." He turns towards Neku, his smile gaining a wistful
edge, and continues: "You see rather more of Neku than I do. Would it be
acceptable if I borrow him for a minute?"
"I guess," Beat says slowly. "I need to pack up first, anyway."
Neku glowers at them making decisions for him, but at least they're in some
sort of agreement, and Beat glances at Neku to make sure he's okay before
running off to pack up. Joshua, for his part, simply stands up and looks at
Neku, head down in silent apology. "I'm not happy with you," Neku says, but he
pats the couch next to him anyway and Joshua sits down, almost immediately
putting his head in Neku's lap.
"I know," he murmurs, but Neku lets his fingers comb through his hair and
Joshua groans in appreciation, trying to get more of himself into Neku's
personal space. "I wanted to clear the air."
Well, he definitely did that; the only problem's that now Neku thinks they
might find more smog. "At least you had some restraint," he acknowledges, and
Joshua closes his eyes, content.
"You ready to go?" Beat calls, and Neku tenses. No, not really, but Joshua
nuzzles his hand and sits up, so he might not have that much of a choice.
"Walk him out," Joshua advises quietly as Neku stretches, getting up, and it's
funny how he thinks he can talk. "I'm not going anywhere, you know."
"Good point," Neku says back, and he goes to put on his shoes. These pyjamas
look enough like real clothes, even if he'd never wear them in public for long,
and it's not like he's got anything better to do than head back to Josh's
place, so he takes Beat's hand in hand and they head out, uncomfortably quiet.
The shortcut through Ramen Don's gone, but they at least aren't sent through
the sewers: it's a quick stroll past that CAT mural and then they're up at
Udagawa with no one the wiser. Beat looks at him for a moment, and Neku gives
him a smile, sorry even if a lot of it wasn't his fault.
"That's the conductor?" Beat says, and the world falls out from under him for a
moment. He doesn't know, Neku realizes, and then he could slap himself: Joshua
keeps his anonymity as best he can.
"Composer," he corrects, and if Beat noticed his panic, he's too nice to bring
it up. "I'm sorry about him."
"Not all his fault," Beat mumbles, and he's ashamed and Neku doesn't know how
to fix it. "I was pissy, and then I blew up -- fuck, I thought I was better
than that."
"He does that to everyone," Neku says, like it's an improvement. "Some kind of
composer thing; he upsets people by existing."
Back out of the lounge, Neku doesn't need to try to hear Beat's disbelief: it
might be natural, but his personality sure doesn't help. "I still got to do
better," he says, and Neku can agree with that.
"You don't have to see him again if you don't want to," Neku promises, and Beat
sighs relief. "He's my friend, but I know he's a bit -- difficult."
That's a word for it. "I'm worried about you," Beat says abruptly, and Neku
winces. "Just because you've got a reaper friend don't mean you should go hang
with the rest of them, even if they ain't actually bad. They don't do much
living people shit, you know?"
"Josh thought I might like it," Neku says defensively, his face growing hot. He
doesn't want a fight, but he can hang out with Joshua's coworkers if he wants
to, damn it.
"I don't trust a reaper bigwig to not be pulling shit," he admits, a bit sad,
but he doesn't want a fight either. "I don't think he's plotting murder or
anything --"
"Gee, thanks."
"-- but it still wouldn't surprise me if he wanted you to be a reaper, too."
Silence. Beat's right on the nose, but Neku knows that already and Joshua isn't
trying to force him into anything. He knows what he's doing, and he can handle
himself, damn it.
"Just … be careful," Beat says finally, and Neku nods. "I don't want you
getting into anything you're going to regret, you know? I love you, bro, but I
worry about you, too."
"Yeah, I know," he says back, gripping his sleeve. "I'm being careful, I
promise."
"Good."
Well, this is awkward. "See you soon?" Neku tries, and Beat nods firmly, giving
him a hug. Neku blushes a bit -- people could see them, even if it's unlikely -
- then clings back for a moment, burying his face in Beat's shirt. "I love
you," he mumbles, and Beat claps him on the back.
"I do too, bro," and then he's off, Neku left watching him go before he, too,
goes to leave. Joshua probably still wants to see him, and they've got things
to talk about.
They always do, and Neku sighs. Maybe Beat's right, but Joshua isn't trying to
push him into anything, and Neku can take care of himself.
Nobody else is going to, after all.
===============================================================================
The lounge is still hooked up to Udagawa, and Neku's grateful. PJs are not fit
for walking through sewers.
Joshua's reclined on the couch when Neku gets back. "How did it go?" he says
mildly, and for some reason, this show of politeness pisses him off. Neku wants
to punch something, wants to see somebody bleed and it could even be him, and
this rage is ugly but it's his and he has the right to it if he wants.
"Don't pretend like you don't know," he snaps, and Joshua leans back, his
eyebrows climbing.
"I'm not omniscient," he says slowly, like Neku's a child or a loose cannon and
either way he's not in the mood to be handled. "I know you like your privacy,
so I kept you and your Bitou out of mind, dear Neku: it isn't a pleasantry."
"Figure it out yourself, then."
Joshua watches him, and Neku bristles, even as he doesn't sense his mental
presence and that's just dandy: Neku'd want to hurt him if he did. "I'm sorry
that went as badly as it did," he says, voice calm and level and damn him, for
being above it all. "I had hopes, but they were not to be."
"Beat thinks you want me dead," Neku tells him, and Joshua goes still. They
both know it's true, after all; what Neku doesn't know is …. "Would we still be
friends if I told you I didn't want to be a reaper? If being conductor, even in
name only, was off the table?"
"Are you likely to tell me that?" Joshua says, completely emotionless. "I
suspect your friends would prefer you to."
"You're my friend, too," Neku says firmly. "I'm not rejecting you right now,
but I do need to know before we get any farther."
Still quiet. Neku watches him, trying to decide if he needs to run, when Joshua
barks a laugh. "I don't know, Neku," he says, rubbing his forehead. "I need a
conductor and it's -- difficult, for me to have Realground friends. If you
ignored your second sight, ignored the UG entirely -- would we even have
anything in common? I'm not going to force you to do anything, but there are
plenty of things you can help with that require neither significant time
investments on your part, nor any powers you don't already have. I want people
to know you're under the protection of the Shibuya composer, Neku: make of that
as you will."
"Okay," Neku says as he lets that sink in. "Okay."
Joshua really doesn't want him to turn him down, and he can respect that. He's
not making any promises he can't keep, but Joshua hasn't asked him to do much
yet, and he doesn't think that's going to change.
"Sanae hates when I slack off," he adds, and part of Neku feels like whatever
pisses that guy off can't be too bad. "Good thing I'm 'bonding with my
conductor' instead, huh?"
"You need the excuse," Neku concludes, and Joshua shrugs.
"I'm the composer," he says easily. "I can do what I want, but it's easier for
me if I act like I'm following the rules. And the convention is that the one
person the composer trusts and relies on, the person everyone knows speaks with
My authority and knows My will, is my conductor."
But Neku doesn't, is the thing. He barely knows what Joshua does most of the
time. "How are you managing now?" he has to ask, and Joshua flops onto the
couch, his head in Neku's lap once again, and just because he's distracting
doesn't mean Neku's going to let it go.
"Kariya -- Kouki, I suppose, though it's strange to call him that; I digress -
- has been handling most of Megumi's duties since his erasure," he explains,
and Neku feels him suggesting that he pet him again. Not right now, Neku thinks
firmly, but he does rest his arm on Joshua's chest, claiming him in a small
way. "Coco's a brilliant accountant, too, and both she and Yashiro can be
trusted to keep the Game winnable and reasonably humane. We get by."
"The Game's never humane," Neku states, and Joshua cracks an eye open to look
at him.
"The Game is what it is," he says, and part of Neku wants him as far away as
possible. He doesn't chase him off, though, and Joshua continues, "Shibuya
needs refinement. If none of the dead were erased, their souls would stagnant
and eventually turn into Noise, slowly consuming the district. They might as
well be useful while I try to determine who might be worth resurrecting."
Neku bristles. When he's blatant like this, he can see why his other friends
are so bothered by him talking to reapers at all, but Neku knows Joshua, knows
he can't be as callous as he acts. "Everyone deserves a second chance," he says
firmly.
"And not everyone can get it," Joshua says back, voice cold. "If you want to
keep me from erasing anyone like you and your friends, you had best keep them
out of my reach, Neku Sakuraba."
"What, out of Shibuya?" he scoffs, and Joshua stands up to glare at him,
passing through Neku's arms like he didn't even notice.
"Out of the Underground," he corrects, and Neku wilts a bit. "If you or your
friends so dearly wish to judge me, might I suggest working to prevent wrongful
deaths in the first place? My employees could do without Players whose only
crime was not looking before crossing the street, you know."
Rhyme, Neku thinks, and he could cry. She's alive again, has been for years,
but it was Joshua who brought her back and she'd lost. He didn't have to do
that. "Sorry," he manages, and Joshua shakes his head.
"I've never expected to be popular," he says quietly, looking away, "but your
opinion matters to me, Neku. Remember that."
"I will," he promises, and he's less than surprised when Joshua vanishes.
I have work to do, he texts, and Neku can picture his face, apologetic and a
bit wistful. Remember that there will always be a place for you in Shibuya.
He won't let himself forget, and even if his dorm's where he lives, Shibuya's
his home.
For whatever good that gets him.
Chapter End Notes
     Haha, this isn't actually a double update; I just realised that what
     I had as chapter 3 was 6k and that's longer than I like my chapters
     being, ideally. So I just split it. You still got the same amount of
     fic as I had planned, though!
***** Chapter 5 *****
Summer break's both too long and too short, and Neku isn't sure how he feels
about classes starting back up, either. It's probably a good thing, but he
still hasn't managed to break the news to Beat and Shiki; whatever momentum he
had, the reaper party wrecked pretty handily, and it isn't worth rocking the
boat. They're still talking to him, and if keeping them out of the loop with
the UG is the price for that, he'll pay it gladly.
Mind you, Joshua barely talks to him at all, and he'd be insulted if he didn't
understand why. Everything's more complicated when he gets involved, and it's
easier to take things slow. A phone call every other weekend, a text whenever
one of them has something to share -- it's not much, but it's a peace offering,
a reminder that Joshua doesn't want to fuck this up.
It's just going to happen anyway, and it's not only pessimism that keeps him
glaring at the phone every time Joshua calls him.
At least he's got a proper headset by now, so he isn't stuck dropping
everything to attend to the Shibuya composer's every whim. (His old Gatito ones
live in a box now. Too many memories to actually use them, but also too many to
ditch them.)
Neku holds back a sigh, and asks again: "Are you sure it's plugged in?"
"Yes, I'm sure," Joshua claims through his synth, but anyone who'd had to deal
with his tech issues would be skeptical.
He hears Hanekoma clear his throat, and Neku's filled with more gratitude than
he'd ever thought that guy would muster again. "Even went and checked that the
boss got the power working, Neku," he confirms. "Whatever's up with his new
computer, that sure ain't it."
"I don't understand why I need to use electrical sockets all of a sudden,"
Joshua sulks. "Everything worked just fine before."
Neku shakes his head, though it's not like he can see it. "Except when you
needed to make a phone call outside of Shibuya," he points out. "Face it, Josh:
I don't think you can cheat the internet."
"Not unless you convince everyone to move their servers to Shibuya, anyway,"
Hanekoma mutters, and wow is that moment of silence worrying. Last thing anyone
needs is Joshua Kiryu, Internet Composer. "Boss, getting a computer's a great
idea all around. If an old fogey like me can join the twenty-first century, so
can you."
Joshua huffs, and Neku's not really sure joining the 21st century's really the
issue here: Neku's seen Joshua's idea of a cellphone and it's incredible. But
from what Neku understands, composer powers haven't quite caught up to
technology, and Joshua … does not cope well with having to do things the normal
way. "Do the wires need to be pristine?" Joshua muses. "There seems to be a
hole in the orange bit."
Neku groans. "That could do it, yeah." Hell.
"I think we got this under control, Neku," Hanekoma says finally. "Thanks for
your help; you know how the boss gets."
Joshua shoves Hanekoma off the phone, muffled imprecations barely
understandable over the line, and Neku makes a noncommittal noise. He wouldn't
be surprised if Joshua had just wanted an excuse to monopolize Neku's time for
a while, is the thing, and what Joshua says next just about confirms it: "Will
you be coming by again anytime soon?"
"I don't have plans to," Neku says shortly. "It's heading up to the end of the
semester; I'm pretty busy." Not to mention that he actually kind of likes
seeing the rest of town. There's even a café nearby with pastries that are
actually edible, and every time he goes, he takes a sadistic joy in knowing his
money isn't going to Mr H's sham of a coffee shop. (Seriously, how does WildKat
even stay open?)
Joshua hums, disappointed and not really hiding it. "There's a favor I'd like
to ask of you whenever you can spare the time," he says. "I won't bore you with
the specifics since you're so busy, but inform me when you'll be by so I can
make preparations."
Wow. Pissy, much? "Gee, thanks." Joshua's reticence isn't remotely worrying;
even odds if he's being a jerk or if it's something he wants to keep from going
outside his district, and either way, Neku's thrilled.
"It's nothing that should affect you for long," he adds. "Simply something
where I'd prefer your help to Sanae's, if you'll give it."
Neku's pretty sure basically anything would be preferable to asking a certain
Sanae Hanekoma for help, but … you know. A leopard never changes its spots, and
you can't teach an old dog new tricks. (Actually, you can teach old dogs, and
they're often happy to learn. Still doesn't make extricating them from someone
they've decided to like any easier.)
But if it's him or Hanekoma, Neku'll volunteer any day. "Sure, I'll let you
know, but you did remember Lollipop likes you, right?"
"Kouki's help isn't the kind I'd want for this," Joshua replies primly, a tad
insulted, but it's not like Neku was wrong to check. "It's conductor business;
you won't mind it. Call me," and he hangs up.
Asshole.
"Conductor business, huh," Neku echoes as he sticks his music back on so he can
direct his attention back to his homework. Composition is the worst bit of
illustration, fucking hell, and if he didn't already know he's not cut out to
be a comic artist, that would prove it.
Joshua's been playing it safe -- of course he has -- but that's the first time
he's been cagey about what he wants, and that's … worrying. Weekend phone calls
are one thing, even if Neku'd put yen to yogurt that he's now part of his post-
Game routine, but they both know he'll drop the other shoe eventually. Why not
now?
('Post-Game routine,' ha. Neku's his distraction after he's either erased
somebody or brought them back to life, and he's way too comfortable with not
asking him which. Joshua'd answer, too: it's just Neku who's too much of a
coward to get into a phone argument. Of course.)
Someday, Neku's going to have to tell Joshua to go fuck himself, and whatever
he wants now just might be it, tepid reassurances or no. Or maybe not. Maybe
Joshua plans to keep him far enough away from it all that Neku won't be
confronted with the reality of what reapers actually do, like that's actually
better.
Fuck it, Neku isn't going to get much done like this. It's probably late enough
in the evening for Beat to be off work, so he flips through his contact list
and calls. "Hey."
"Yo, Phones!" Beat says, and Neku smiles at the sound of his voice. "What's
up?"
"Not much," he says easily, and he starts in on telling him about his classes
and schoolwork, and even a little bit about Joshua's ignorance of reality, and
it's comfortable. Too comfortable, really, given how much he's leaving out, but
fuck: if he's going to fight with Beat again over Joshua, Neku wants him to
deserve it.
C'est la vie.
===============================================================================
Though getting all the reapers to vie for his attention's up there on douche
moves, Neku thinks. "You know you don't have to suck up to me," he says, but
the Kansai girl only shrugs, totally blasé.
"Obviously," she says, and why does he not believe it?
"I'm not even really part of this district," he adds, even though he damn well
lives here.
She taps her foot, a bit annoyed. "You're the Shibuya conductor, ain't ya?"
Only on paper, he wants to say, but how true that is, he has no idea. "So
staying on your good side can't hurt matters any, especially if I want to keep
my options open. Not like everyone wants to be a dairy farmer, eh?"
"How … mercenary of you," he manages. God, his life. "Look, I'll -- put in a
good word for you, whatever, but you don't need to feel like you have to be
nice to me."
"Yeah, because you're so busy," she drawls, and what is it with dead people
judging his life? Can't they be doing … dead people things? "Shibuya, I don't
think I've ever seen you with anyone here I didn't introduce you to."
Cold. Completely cold, and Neku wants to argue, but he has jack squat to say to
that.
"I can fuck off if you want me to," she adds, "but all us UG types tend to get
a bit insular, and you seem like you'd got the determination to leave your
district without enough to spare past that. It's no skin off my back to check
on you a little."
And that … that's the sort of brutal honesty Neku kind of loves from the
reapers. Always self-serving, but not actually selfish, and Neku knows exactly
where he stands with most of them. "Thanks," he manages, and she beams.
"So will you be there?" she checks, and Neku shrugs.
"Yeah, unless anything else comes up," and it's amazing how much of a weight
off that is.
Unrequited kindness is a rare thing, and as much as Neku likes it, likes being
the person who's decent for no real reason, that's not how the world usually
works. He hasn't met a reaper who believes in unreturned favors, but they don't
move the goalposts that much, either. If they can get more out of it, they'll
try, but he can call on them, too.
Payment in trade. He can work with that.
===============================================================================
Unless he doesn't know what's being asked.
His phone goes off, and he checks it: Neku? I need you here, Joshua sends, and
he's tempted to just delete it. If he won't tell Neku what's up, he shouldn't
be surprised when Neku blows him off.
That's not fair, though, and he takes a deep breath: trust your partner. Even
if he's an asshole, even if you don't think you can give him a blank check.
Trust him, and Neku can walk right back out if he needs to. Im busy and I got a
thing tomorrow. Can it wait?
Honestly? Probably not, he replies, and that's reassuring. I'll owe you.
Friends don't generally keep track of who owes what, Neku informs him, and
sighs. Joshua's reaper to the core; the problem is, so's Neku, where it counts.
Still, they should at least try to keep up their facsimile of a proper
friendship. Ill be right over but dont feel like you need to pay me back.
That I owe you a favor incurs no obligation for you to call it in, Joshua
responds, and Neku rolls his eyes. Way to miss the point, asshole, but okay.
And: Thank you.
At least the jerk's taken up something resembling manners; Neku's going to have
a hell of a time getting all this shit done and still having time for the
concert. He'd better appreciate it, that's all.
And Josh didn't give him a timeframe, so Neku goes ahead and packs up some of
his supplies. No clue if Joshua has somewhere he could actually work, but it's
worth a shot. The guy's somewhat omnipotent; he's got to be able to find Neku
some studio space if he needs it, and Neku already knows Joshua might be
fucking annoying but he's good at backing off and letting people work.
The evening might not be a total loss, anyway. Just got to hope his portfolio's
sewer proof as well as waterproof.
It's easy enough to catch the train, evening rush notwithstanding, and as Neku
rides, he realises … if this is conductor-business, like Joshua'd claimed a few
days ago, that might be Joshua offering an open-ended composer favor. And that
… that might actually be useful. They might be friends, but Neku's never felt
up for asking Joshua for anything like that he didn't offer first. Too afraid
of unbalancing their whatever-it-is, maybe, or of making Joshua think Neku's
just using him. Like Joshua is the one who has to worry about that here. Heh.
(He worries about that for a moment, but he'd drop everything and go for Beat
or Shiki, too. It's just … different, when it's Joshua. Joshua, who wants more
from him than he knows if he wants to give. Shit.)
A favor, huh. Neku has no idea what he'd ask for, his friendship with the genie
never leading him to expect: make a wish. He's already got what he'd wanted,
really.
Well. He doesn't have to use it if he doesn't want to, and it's not like it'd
expire. Maybe one of his friends'll need something. (Shit, he should check
sometime what Joshua'd do if Beat, Shiki, or Rhyme died, otherwise he fucking
knows what he'd have to save it for. Would Joshua make them go through the Game
again? It's not like he's ever said he wouldn't --)
Joshua's not there when Neku gets to the Shibuya station, or Neku doesn't see
him, anyway. Shibuya sounds so different from Nerima and Taitou that he's not
sure if he'd notice, or -- no, Joshua's down in the sewers as usual, and
there's a reaper over --
"Hey, asshole!" Pinky yells, stomping over to him, and he's not sure how he
missed her at first. She's RG, of course, wings invisible, but he'd recognise
that fashion disaster anywhere. "The boss sent me to pick you up, so you'd
better fucking appreciate it."
"Wouldn't dream otherwise," he says weakly. She peers up at him, brow furrowed,
and it strikes him that she's still the same babyface she was in the Game.
Weird. "You know, I do know where he lives," he adds, and her perennial scowl
drops into a sneer.
"You don't make guests walk themselves in," she drawls, rolling her eyes. "Not
even if they're the conductor," and it's incredible how she manages to make
that sound like an insult.
"I'm a guest?" he echoes. Not that he's surprised by that, but if Pinky is fine
to pick him up ….
"Are you a reaper?" she snipes rhetorically. "Anybody breathing gets an escort.
Not even the damn chef gets to come in alone, and he at least was a reaper
once, not like you, you cheating fucking bastard --" and Neku bets there's more
she'd say, if it weren't for the ding of a text message cutting her off. She
instantly pales and checks her phone, and Neku might not be able to see it but
he still knows what it says, Joshua/Shibuya filling him in:
Kindly remember that despite circumstances being what they are, Neku Sakuraba
is in fact My conductor, Yashiro, Joshua sent her, but Neku can fight his own
battles, thanks.
"Sorry, sir," she squeaks, looking down, but Neku just sighs.
"No, it's fine," he says. "I don't mind," and he actually doesn't. What does he
care if the reapers hate him? They'd just hate him more if they had to act like
they didn't. He forces a smile: "Keep going."
She stares at him, a bit baffled, then wordlessly tosses him a pin. Pavo Real,
judging by the style, not one he recognises, but … he presses on it and he
feels Shibuya lift him up obligingly. Some kind of passive levitation psych, if
he had to guess, but damn, he hadn't thought he'd be able to get pins to work
again.
Her eyebrows go up, and then right back down -- it's no more than any Player
could do, after all -- and she kicks off the ground herself. "Right," she
settles on, as she strides purposefully into the sewer now that her boots won't
get dirty. "You're the only douchebag I've ever seen at a reaper party who
wasn't ever a reaper, you know. The retired peeps I get, but you? What kind of
'service to the UG' gets a live one all the way to conductor?"
There's a bunch of things he can say to that, but fuck it, let's try the truth:
"I'm a close personal friend to the composer," he says, and she laughs. "What?
It's true."
"How does that even happen?" she says, and before he can warn her, she kicks
the wall in disbelief, splattering sewer goop all over her boots as he bursts
out laughing. "Hey! It's not funny!"
"No, it is," he assures her, and her sulk lasts them until she stubs her finger
on the keypad, letting them in. Problem is, now she needs to take her boot off
without getting goop on her gloves, too, and they look at each other for a
moment in shared disgust. "I'll get it," he decides, and she smiles at him
gratefully as he bends down to loosen it, scowling at any of it getting on his
fingers.
There. Now they're both disgusting, but at least they won't have to deal with
Joshua's tantrum when they muck up his floor.
It'll work out, he tells himself, and he heads out to the lounge.
===============================================================================
Joshua's not there, not that Neku really thought he would be. Lollipop is,
though, cheerfully pointing a stick for the fish to follow, and Pinky brightens
(?) to see him.
"Kariya," she yells, stomping over to him, "why is it you get to stay here
while I had to deal with this asshole? How is that fair, huh?!"
Lollipop languidly sets down a bucket of treats before answering, looking both
Neku and Pinky over. "Seniority, probably," he says easily, and Pinky seethes.
"I outrank you!" she squawks. "That means you're the one who's supposed to get
the shit jobs."
"And so I'm the one who attends the boss's whims," he finishes, still with
hardly a care in the world. "That means I get to mop while you get to network,
Uzuki: fair's fair."
She mulls this over for a moment, then nods sharply, satisfied. "So long as you
can fix my gloves," she declares, and Lollipop -- Kariya, fine -- sighs and
rolls with it, ready to head out with her.
"The boss is around somewhere," he informs Neku. "Just kinda delicate: you know
how he gets." Delicate's not the word Neku'd pick, but he nods anyway, and
Kariya follows Pinky out, waving and calling: "Be good, you two!"
Right. Sure. Neku'll try, but first he needs to find Joshua for some kind of …
mystery conductor thing, and Joshua's being less than forthcoming. "You gonna
tell me where you are?" Neku asks the room at large, but the fish don't answer
and Joshua certainly doesn't.
Well, there's probably only so many possibilities, and if the asshole doesn't
show up, Neku'll just go back home. He sets down his portfolio case on the
table and goes to look. He'll leave the throne room for last: even if it's the
most likely choice, that's a pile of bullshit he doesn't want to start with.
Lounge, no. Bar, also no, unless Joshua's hiding in a cabinet and he can't
really see him doing that right now, not when the guy's perfectly capable of
going invisible. Bathroom … also probably not, but Neku checks anyway as he
rinses his hand off. Hey, Joshua left the door to his bedroom open, and that
means ….
"You look pathetic," Neku informs him, and it's true. Joshua's curled up on his
blankets in human form, head shoved under a pillow and nightgown riding up his
legs, and Neku'd be tempted to laugh at him or walk away, only Joshua pokes his
face out just enough for Neku to see his abject misery and take some semblance
of pity on him. "What did you want, anyway?"
"Neku," Joshua mopes, burying his head again and aiming for the rest of his
body at this rate, "I'm moulting and it sucks."
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
"Moulting?" Neku echoes, and Joshua pulls his head out again.
"My feathers," he explains. "They aren't actually supposed to do that, and it's
itchy and horrible and Nekuuuuuuu," he whines, "make it stop."
"I don't know how to help you," Neku says blankly, and then it sinks in. "You
pulled me over here for this?"
"Yes?" Joshua hazards, and something of what Neku's feeling must've shown
because he adds: "Neku, this is important."
"Joshua, you have a cold," Neku states flatly, "and I have finals next week, so
I can't really be -- whatever you're wanting me to do." Help him when he's
being horribly needy, probably.
Joshua's eyes widen, a bit panicked, and he blurts out: "Neku, I meant it about
the favor. Anything you need, anything within my power, just tell me and --" He
squeaks and rubs at his face.
"Anything," Neku repeats evenly, and Joshua's eyes dart up before he nods,
serious. Expecting this to backfire or for it to not be enough, and either way
Neku feels a bit like a cad. He takes a deep breath and sighs, frustrated.
"What do you need?"
And Joshua looks so horribly hopeful that Neku could nearly forget he's held
all their lives in his hands. "If you pull them all out," he starts, hesitant
and wary, "then put them back in, that should do it. They're -- they aren't
describing my soul properly? So I'm rejecting them, and it hurts, but if you
reset them -- Neku, I tried to wait --"
And in his own brilliance, he wasted Neku's time with nonsense instead of what
he actually needed. Great. "And you don't want Mr Hanekoma to do it," he
checks, though honestly, who would?
… Joshua, apparently. "I don't know what Sanae would do," he mutters, voice
small, and even if he doesn't idolise him like Neku did, Mr H is Joshua's
friend and that might be worse. "I'd like to trust him, but -- if he left me
now, Shibuya would just select another composer, or he could recommend me for
promotion, and there's no risk for him … -- Neku, please."
Neku shushes him and sits down next to him, patting his hair. "Don't worry,
I'll help you out," he mutters, and Joshua sighs in relief. "Just tell me if
there's a problem next time, okay? None of this 'conductor business' stuff."
"But Neku," he says plaintively, "taking care of the composer is the very
definition of conductor business." He smiles up at him, self-assured, though he
is looking a tad gray. "I can't be letting the other districts know when
there's a weakness, can I?"
Neku shakes his head. "Guess not," he concedes, and he pulls Joshua into his
lap. "Wings, Josh," he says. "Can't help you if I can't see them."
He sighs, put-upon, though they do fade into view at right angles to
everything. At first glance, they're the same tiny feathered things as always,
large enough to be cute but too small to be of any plausible use, but Joshua
flaps them once to fan them out and dusts his back and Neku's lap with static.
Neku rests his hand on one, curious, and --
-- silence. A complete dead zone, none of the stray thoughts or sense of Joshua
he's come to expect, and he's not sure how long he's frozen there before
there's a familiar chuckle and a finger flicking his forehead.
"Knock knock," Joshua says. "You still in there?"
"Nah," Neku replies, a bit shaken. "You might have to shoot me again, just to
be sure."
"Don't tempt me," he sighs, smiling up at him. "I don't even know where I left
my gun."
And when did Neku go wrong, that reminding himself of everything Joshua's done
is nearly affectionate? Whenever it was, it's way too late to do anything about
it, and Neku snorts. He carefully examines Joshua's wings, trying to hold
himself back from -- whatever it was, and it's odd.
He'd thought Joshua's wings were feathered, but it's really more … take a
reaper's wings and drill some holes for the quills. That's Joshua's, and with
whatever's up with them, Neku knows now a lot of the fluff was illusion, purely
cosmetic. The real thing's almost mechanical, and Neku absently runs his thumb
over the base. Joshua whines with the pressure, but it doesn't seem like a bad
sound. Neku thinks.
"I just pull these out and put them back in?" he checks, and Joshua nods
jerkily.
"Work from the middle out," he instructs, "and do both sides evenly, or else
the whole thing'll collapse. … And me." Like it's an afterthought, barely worth
mentioning. "Shibuya knows the order, if you can't remember, but trust your
instincts: your intuition's likely to be good. Don't leave any out for longer
than you must; it's better to only fix one or two at a time than to let them
linger. And don't -- worry too much."
"Right," Neku says distantly, and again as he looks them over. He's half-
tempted to stretch them out and see how the joints work, but Joshua whimpers
and rubs his wings against his hand the moment he pulls back at all. He really
is itchy.
Neku takes a deep breath to prepare himself, then yanks out the two innermost
feathers on each side in quick succession, his left hand on Joshua's back to
keep him still. Static trails out under the pinions and Joshua yelps, but Neku
just taps his fingers on them and shoves them back in, trusting his instincts
and trying to ignore Joshua's whimpers.
"Neku, that really hurt!" Joshua complains, looking back at him, but he's not
trying to move out of reach or anything. In fact, he's trying to -- Neku gives
in and scratches his back some more, and does his best to ignore Joshua arching
into it.
"I was just doing what you told me to," Neku huffs. "It's not my fault if you
told me the wrong thing."
"Well, they don't itch anymore," Joshua concedes, "so you can't be doing it too
badly. -- Now do the rest."
With an audience this grateful, how could he ever refuse? Neku sighs, long and
loud, but Joshua just gives him a pout.
Okay. He's not anywhere near done yet. Neku slides his fingers under the four
he's already replaced, and Joshua moans. "Neku, whatever you're doing --" he
manages, but Neku cuts him off.
"Shush, I'm checking something." The frame of his wings almost feels like bone,
and it hums. The other feathers aren't carrying it, though, and the four he'd
messed with aren't anywhere near enough to carry his song.
Pride, curiosity, diligence, joy. Neku can hardly follow a few chords without
the greater composition, but that's what Shibuya tells him those feathers
represent. Not all of it, and not irreversibly, but that's -- that's what
drives him, and Neku could've distorted it. Just found the feathers that
represented what he wanted from him and moved them; Neku could warp him however
he wished, and Joshua could do nothing.
"I just thought you should know, Neku," he murmurs, "that I'm grateful. That
it's you, I mean."
So much trust, and Neku could destroy him utterly. He never asked for this.
"I'm sorry," he replies, scritching the spot between his wings. His full set of
plumage is already showing up again, even with only four tines to reverberate
through. He has so much more to do. "I'll try my best."
Joshua snorts, not unkindly, and bites back a curse as Neku yanks the next few
pairs out without warning. Quick and precise, that's the ticket, and Shibuya -
- he hopes it's Shibuya -- tells him to swap a few as he works. Nothing major,
Neku thinks, but endurance becomes patience becomes -- Neku can't tell, only
hope he doesn't mess anything up.
(Joshua was already messed up. Neku just prays he doesn't make any of it
worse.)
Joshua doesn't complain much as he goes, which is the worst thing. Oh, he's in
pain and not trying to hide it, but leaving his power for Neku to do with as he
pleases? That's just how it is, and even if Neku doesn't know the full extent
of what's up with the wings, he's felt them and scanned his mind with more
trepidation than Joshua has right now. Just a resigned certainty that even if
Neku tears all his feathers out and -- leaves him to die slowly and painfully,
erase himself, he'll have no regrets and Neku of all people would have the
right.
"What kind of person do you think I am?" Neku mutters as he finishes, Joshua's
wings back to their usual luster.
Joshua flaps them once, folding the feathers back into their usual places, and
looks up at him, not moving from across Neku's lap. "I love you," he says, like
it's an answer, and Neku sighs.
He's expecting a rebuke again, Neku realizes. All this and he still -- "Tell me
when you have a problem," he says instead. "Don't -- don't act like
everything's fine, then beg me when you're desperate. Just -- tell me, and
we'll work it out, okay?"
Joshua pulls his arms up and rests his head on his hands, completely
comfortable even if Neku's legs are asleep. "I didn't want you to say no," he
mumbles. "You were busy."
"Not that busy!" he yells, but he takes a deep breath and tries to calm down.
Joshua isn't trying to be insulting; there's no point getting mad at him when
he could get mad at Hanekoma instead. Or whoever skewed him like this. (His
money's on Hanekoma.) "Look, Joshua …."
"Yes?"
"I am never going to be too busy to help keep something awful from happening to
my friends, okay?" And may that always be true, whatever happens. "If you ended
up erased, or -- or --"
"Promoted," Joshua fills in, "Sanae could have made me a full angel, if he
wanted, and then I'd likely not be able to return to Shibuya for centuries, if
ever."
And Joshua loves Shibuya. Neku rubs at his face. "Look, anyone who'd leave you
in the dirt like that, that's not friendship, okay? Or at least not normal
people friendship -- tell me Lollipop would've at least helped you out." Neku
really seriously needs to know there's someone else in Joshua's camp. Please?
Neku can't do it all.
Joshua pauses, thinking about it. "He likely would," he concedes, "but we don't
have the sort of relationship where -- my wings house my soul, Neku; it's like
that for all reapers past a certain age, and before then, they're still very
vulnerable." And Joshua just hands them off to Neku without any indication of
it mattering. "Kouki is a good man, but simply because I trust him not to kill
me on sight is not a good reason to trust him with that."
Yeah. Yeah, Neku can get that. "Just, Joshua …. If you were gone because I was
too busy with homework, I'd never forgive myself, okay? I like you, but I need
you to talk to me."
Joshua stares at him silently, then pulls himself off Neku's lap, sitting up on
his knees. "I'll keep that in mind, Neku," he says finally, and for the love of
--! Does he think that little of himself, or of Neku, that this comes as a
surprise?!
Deep breath, Neku, he's not going to understand it if he doesn't already, and
the last thing Neku needs is for Joshua to think he's angry at him. And he is,
kind of, but it's still not Joshua's fault.
"My friends come first," he states, and that Joshua is his friend, he leaves
unspoken. "So, Joshua …."
"Yes?" he says, sprawling back onto his pillows.
"If -- if my other friends ended up your responsibility --" He can't say
'dead', can't let it sound like a possibility, even though obviously it is ….
"What would you do?"
Joshua bites his lip. "I wouldn't give them special treatment, if that's what
you mean," he says eventually, and rage flashes lightning-hot through Neku for
a moment. Let him continue: "I suppose I'd handle them the same as all Game
winners."
"And that is?" Neku presses, because fuck if he can assume anything with this
guy.
"If their soul can still use refinement from the Game, they Play again, though
I often pull them out to pass them before the week is up," he explains slowly,
casually. It's just his job to him, even if his job is his life. "If not, I
simply judge them and give them their options without Playing. Reaperhood,
resurrection, or ascension, usually; erasure's reserved for suicides at that
point, barring a grievous miscalculation regarding a winner's temperament."
"You erase suicides?" he echoes. But Shiki -- though Neku doesn't know the
specifics --
"Only if they've Played before," he says, not unkindly. "And only if they're
not after a Game job. I won't waste soul energy on people who misuse it, not
when I've plenty of people who want it, but suicides originally get as much
chance as anyone else."
Neku lets out the breath he was holding. Okay, that's better. "What's this
about their temperament?"
"If they're a drain on the people around them, obviously I won't bother," he
drawls. "It doesn't happen often, and I doubt Misaki or the Bitous will be an
exception, but if someone uses their second chance at life to make others'
worse, I'll gladly erase them. I have to think of Shibuya, not the individual,
no matter how good their art is: toxic people take down those around them, and
my powers are limited enough without wasting them."
That … makes sense, actually. No point bringing back anyone who'd just hurt
people. "How many people do you generally bring back, anyway?" And how many
could he, but Neku doesn't want to assume the worst of him.
Joshua hums, thinking about it. "I could show you my records, Conductor
Sakuraba," he says instead, and Neku winces. He trusts him, really; Joshua
isn't a bad person. "In a good month, four; in a bad one … well, none. Or is it
the other way around …?"
"Reviving people's better than not reviving them," Neku says firmly.
"And yet we couldn't afford our full contingent of reapers and to raise more
than one at a time if I wasn't willing to kill them all and be done with it,"
he notes, and he has to be trying to piss him off. "It's a balancing act. Who
is most likely to influence people for the good of all, hm …?"
So what's the point of the Game, then, he thinks, and stops. Most of their
missions -- all of their missions the first week -- were about helping people,
when you get down to it. Helping people and getting their own heads out of
their asses, and Neku for one sure needed it. The second week, well … Pi Face -
- Minamimoto -- didn't really have them do much of anything, but even with
that, they helped a lot of people, didn't they?
"If we were partners in a normal Game," Neku checks, "would we have been scored
on helping out at Ramen Don and so on?"
Joshua beams. "Bingo. Very good, Neku!" Neku rolls his eyes. "And if none of
the Players had gone out of their way without explicit instruction, then yes,
I'd've erased any survivors by the end. Better to keep a budget surplus than to
be wasteful, yes?"
"And the reapers," Neku continues, "they were all Players originally, right?"
Joshua nods. "So they also had to help people."
"Bravo, Neku," Joshua says, clapping. "Yes, all of my reapers had to show some
amount of initiative and compassion, though the standards are lower. They're
less of an investment, you see, and the amount of damage they could do in their
first month is minimal."
And yet they're all … they're not very good people, Neku knows, but it's not
like he was either, that first week. He got better, he and Beat both did, while
Shiki's issues just needed her to talk to Eri after the Game was through. It
makes a weird kind of sense. It shouldn't, but … Neku's not sure how to make it
better.
Or perhaps he is: "People shouldn't ever be each other's entry fees."
"That was brilliant on Megumi's part, wasn't it?" Joshua replies idly.
"Refraining from erasing Miss Misaki in the event of his success and hiding my
absence in one fell swoop. Amazing, really, truly an elegant solution."
"It was cruel and wrong," Neku states, but Joshua's cold smile offers no
defense.
"It was ruthless," he concedes, "and would have been unacceptable in normal
circumstances, but it was brilliant. Oh, don't look at me like that: we
restrict our entry fees to within the Shibuya UG. It's too much of a hassle,
otherwise."
"She was supposed to be revived," Neku growls.
Joshua puts his hands up. "And yet that was impossible without my presence, and
as you may recall, I was otherwise indisposed. She was a fluke, if a genius
one."
He's goading him, he knows he is, but Neku takes a deep breath and doesn't rise
to the bait. "I want you to ban it."
"Denied," he says flatly. Hell -- "Consider, Neku, a single mother and her
young child, tragically deceased in a car accident. What do you do?"
What does he do?! He helps them, of course -- but no, limited resources, if
Joshua is to be believed. "Go on."
"Now, the strictest application of the rules would be to enter them into the
Game together, already partnered if I were to be kind. But a toddler has
limited imagination and few useful skills, and would learn little from the
experience. She would be heavily handicapped, and for what? It's much easier to
set the child as her entry fee and have its resurrection conditional to her
own, and then she would have to pact with a stranger and build a bond based on
mutual trust in extremity, et cetera, et cetera, all ends in sunshine and
happiness."
Neku stares.
Joshua clears his throat. "Or they're both erased," he finishes, "but it's
cleaner than to risk one without the other. So you see: I refuse."
"How … how often does that happen?" he has to ask, still stunned.
"Often enough."
That's -- well, fuck. That's just … fuck.
Joshua isn't quite looking at him. "So you see," he says quietly, "as much as I
appreciate your idealism …."
Neku nods slowly, not happy to concede the point. "You don't really have good
options, do you," he says, and Joshua inclines his head. He's still more
ruthless than Neku would like, and Neku's going to keep thinking about it, but
all of a sudden he's so glad Beat never ended up composer. It would've
destroyed him.
And not the functional way it broke Joshua, either. "I have one good one," he
says eventually. "You mentioned homework; would you like to use my studio?"
Wait, what? Neku'd had the idea in the back of his mind, but …. "Sure?" he
hazards. He hadn't actually thought Joshua'd offer.
Joshua beams as he stands up and stretches, humming all the while. "Follow me,
then," and Neku can't help but crack a smile himself.
===============================================================================
Of course the composer has space for an art studio, but Neku manages to be
surprised anyway. It's utterly dust-free, of course, even with charcoal and
clay being the sorts of things that permeate and given the easels on one end
and wedging table on the other, it should logically be filled with both, but
other than that, it's a mess. All his unused supplies are put away properly,
but drawing pads and canvases abound, and he sees what look like unfinished
scale models of the city itself.
No fish tank, though. Somehow he feels almost disappointed.
One of the walls is covered with diagrams of human anatomy; the others, murals
of Shibuya in a stark watercolor style. No people, though, just the city
itself, but Neku's deadly sure they're up to date, and the certainty leaves him
homesick.
Joshua's watching him, gaze somber. "I can blank the walls or change the
lighting, if you'd like," he says, forcedly casual, and adds, "Megumi's the
only other person who's been in here."
"Not Mr H?" Neku says, and Joshua shrugs. Apparently not. "I'll keep that in
mind," he adds.
"Call me if you need anything, then," Joshua says, turning to leave, but Neku
stops him:
"Can I look at your art?" he blurts out, and Joshua freezes. Neku hadn't even
really known that Joshua made stuff of his own, though he'd assumed -- it
doesn't matter what he assumed. Joshua nods, though, and wordlessly strides
over to his cabinets.
"Many of these are work-related," he says briskly, "but there should be …
here." He gestures and a selection of works slides out of his shelves as he
floats them over to Neku, adding a few as he thinks of them. (Neku supposes
organisation matters a lot less with clairvoyance.) They're matted, so he
might've actually planned to show them to someone, or perhaps the fact he
doesn't have to worry about cutting mats left him to be as anal-retentive as he
pleases.
Neku carefully looks them through, and shit, Joshua is good. Technically
skilled, of course, but if CAT's art is filled with bright colors and
enthusiasm, Joshua's is stark and poignant, though he doesn't shy away from
saturation. Cityscapes, mostly, with some portraits and the occasional abstract
piece, and though CAT's work says to enjoy the moment, Joshua's is much more
scattered. Look at what you could miss, if anything.
"Do you do anything with these?" he has to ask, though the question's always
bothered him, too.
Joshua shrugs. "I've done street art a few times," he says, "but most of that
was either to focus my powers as I work or for my own enjoyment. I don't sell
any of it, if that's what you mean: I've never much liked the idea of having my
own Gatito subdivision."
"You could make your own prints," he starts, then stops. That's always a huge
time investment, and Joshua's art is clearly intensely personal. As it is for
most people, really, but Joshua …. "So Shades was in here, huh," he says
instead, and Joshua smiles.
"Most of the sculpture is his," he says frankly, "as is the recording equipment
in the other room. I believe he sold his music, though his sculpture was purely
practical." He gazes over to the work tables wistfully, and Neku's hands clam
up.
"He lived with you and you killed him," he mutters, and Joshua doesn't look at
him.
"He hated the RG," Joshua says. "Keeping an apartment wasn't useful for him,
and so he moved in to better serve his composer. Not that we were ever in the
same room," and he barks a laugh. "What would you have me do, Neku? Bring him
back? He was a good man, but not a very nice one."
He wants for none of that to have happened, that's what. "I think you kind of
want to," he says instead, and Joshua's anger flashes. "I don't think you want
to have killed him, even if you didn't care at the time."
"Don't you presume what I did and didn't want," Joshua growls, and stops and
takes a breath, though he doesn't need it. Then, more levelly: "Megumi was a
good man and an excellent conductor, but he was stagnating, hitting his soul's
limits for refinement. Now his current incarnation is happier than he ever was,
and that's what he deserves, isn't it? He'll be a good person this life, too,
and Shibuya will be better for it."
"But not you," Neku finishes, and Joshua stares at him levelly. No, not Joshua,
but whose fault is that? He's just yet another casualty of Joshua's own
stagnation, and unlike Neku, he didn't get up again. "He's reincarnated?"
"The most conniving little girl anyone did see," he confirms, "though children
that age are usually hellions. Megumi will be fine."
Neku tries to picture Shades as a little kid and has to smile: that's got to
keep Shades from wearing that hideous suit. Snake-print fabric should be
banned. "Right," he says instead, "I'm going to try to get some work done, but
could I have one of your paintings? I'll trade you."
He blinks and pushes his hair back. "I suppose; it's hardly as if I'm doing
anything with them. Take your pick."
Neku glances over them again and chews on his lip. Any one of them'd be nice
over his desk, but what he settles on is a delicate illustration of looking
down at Hachiko from a high vantage point. On closer inspection … he knows
those people: he's one of them. "Why did you paint this?"
Joshua chuckles. "I wanted to," he says easily. "In case you wanted nothing
further to do with me, I suppose. You can have it, if you'd like: it was going
to be yours anyway."
Some final memento of the Game, a reminder for one or both of them how much had
changed. The figures that must be Neku, Shiki, Beat, and Rhyme are indistinct
and take up hardly any of the image, but they're the brightest thing there.
Neku glances between the painting and Joshua, then smiles, bright and honest.
"Thanks."
"Good luck, Neku," is all he replies, and he walks out.
Chapter End Notes
     I think we needed some wing kink and trust issues here! Honestly, we
     could always use that. Neku/Joshua, unsurprisingly.
***** Chapter 7 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It's always easier to work where other people are working, and Neku half-
expected to spend a while floundering in a quiet and unfamiliar workspace, but
he falls into a sort of trance as soon as Joshua steps out. Joshua's fault,
probably, and it can't hurt that he's in the studio of Shibuya's own composer,
but he's grateful. He's no idea how long he spends on his still lifes and then
a self-portrait, but it must be hours and his arms aren't even sore. If the
composer's intervening to keep him productive longer, that's completely fine
with him.
Joshua pokes his head in a few times, too, usually whenever Neku's starting to
flag, but all he does is act as a sounding board and help Neku figure out what
to do next. He's easy to work near, even with the strange irritating way he
gives the world weight with his presence, and Neku's tempted to come by again
whenever he needs to make sure he finishes a project.
Which is probably the point.
But even if Joshua's generosity is tempered with self-interest, Neku's left
with some of the best work he's done all week, so he can't complain. Eventually
he sets down his conté and picks up his work to show Joshua.
Turns out he's in the lounge again, and he's painfully ultraviolet for a moment
before fading down to the teenager Neku's used to. "Having fun?" Joshua calls
back, and Neku grins.
"Look what I did," he says proudly, showing them off, and Joshua smiles. "Do
you know what time it is?"
"You have a phone," Joshua points out, and yeah, but Neku wanted to be lazy. He
goes to check it anyway, but Joshua continues: "You seemed busy, so I took the
liberty of ensuring you'd be accounted for, seeing as you missed curfew and
all. You're welcome to stay here, if you'd like."
Neku nods hesitantly; that's about what he figured. Joshua looks him over, face
sly, and informs him, "You sound like you had a good time."
Maybe he did, but …. "I smell like charcoal."
He wags a finger, amused. "It's Shibuya charcoal, Neku, which is infinitely
preferable to what you smelled like before." Hey, he didn't smell like the
sewer at all --! "Nerima, Neku. You were in the wrong district."
Neku stares at him, then groans. "Really, Joshua? Really?"
"It's true," Joshua says, miffed. "You should be grateful I didn't make you
take a shower as soon as you walked in."
Neku rubs at his head. "Every time I start thinking you're not that bad," he
mumbles, "you do this. Why do you do this?"
"It's a gift," he replies, flipping his hair. "Go take a shower and I'll see if
I can pay you back for earlier, hm~?"
"You don't have to --" Neku starts, but Joshua raises his eyebrows and ouch
that's awkward. Yeah, sure, shower. Neku flushes and runs off, scrambling to
put his art in his portfolio, and Joshua's laughter echoes in his ears.
Neku's taste is so bad sometimes. And yet he can't manage to regret a thing.
===============================================================================
Though he sure does once he's out of the shower. Joshua's cleaned his clothes
for him, as always, but he's also left another outfit for him, and Neku once
again really fucking wishes the guy didn't think having a fish tank in the
bathroom was a good idea. There's a starfish right on the glass, and even if
starfish don't have eyes, Neku still feels like he's being watched.
He goes to check what Joshua got him, and notices a post-it on top:
     You bought that shirt in Ueno, so I got you a better one. ╮(︶︿︶)╭
If Joshua's seriously that bothered by Neku buying a t-shirt elsewhere, Neku
could just leave. Joshua is only shooting himself in the foot here.
(Not literally.)
(Not literally yet, anyway; Neku wouldn't put it past him.)
Or he could just go out without a shirt at all, but it'd just feel sleazy
walking around Joshua's place topless, and anyway, Neku'd totally wear a frilly
blue blouse. Joshua also left him a pair of yellow capris, which are a little
tacky, and a pair of stockings, which … Pac-Man fruit, really? He honestly
expects Neku to wear that? Oh, god, and little monkey slippers. No. Just no.
But it is cold in here, and they look warm. But monkey slippers. Well, at least
he knows he could safely leave them here. (Does he really want to be leaving
stuff at Joshua's place, though? They might've been gifts from Joshua, but ….)
The way he figures it, he has three options.
   1. Spite Joshua by wearing his own clothes out, and listen to his copious
      whining. Joshua is extremely wrong, of course, but his whining skills are
      to die for. Or die from. Both, really. Both sounds about right.
   2. Spite Joshua by wearing his own clothes out and just walking the hell
      away, which also entails not getting laid, and whatever Joshua's faults,
      you can't say he isn't memorable. Bizarre, obnoxious, and sometimes
      horrifying, but definitely memorable.
   3. Spite Joshua by calmly and seriously wearing this outfit like there's
      nothing weird about it at all, and so not give him the reaction he
      clearly wants. … And they do look comfortable.
Oh, hell, he's going to do it, isn't he. He's seriously going to -- what is
wrong with him.
He strolls out, and Joshua gives him a wolf-whistle when he enters the room.
"My, Neku, you look even better than I expected!" he proclaims, and Neku forces
down his first impulse.
"Why, what were you expecting?" he replies instead, flashing Joshua his best
shit-eating grin, and -- fuck is he wearing a kigurumi. Neku chokes, and howls
laughing.
Joshua merely smiles demurely and runs his hand over his fox onesie's ears. "I
thought about getting you one to match, but I wasn't sure you would wear it,"
he says lightly, and fucking hell but did Joshua win this round. "Aren't I
adorable?"
"That's -- that's definitely a word for it," he manages, and god, that's even
less sexy than Neku's fucking monkey slippers. Oh my fucking god.
Joshua beams. "It's the word for it, Neku, though I forgive you for your
uncertainty," he says, incurably annoying, as he gives Neku a come-hither look
that would be more attractive if he were wearing nearly anything else. At least
his expression matches the fox hood's; you can't complain about his taste.
(Well, you can, but it's at least accurate, unlike the goddamn bunny parka.
Neku paid for that, damn him!)
Neku rolls his eyes, but goes to sit on the couch with him anyway, cheerfully
plopping down between Joshua's legs. Joshua hums appreciatively, so Neku leans
back to try to inflict a mouthful of hair on him, but overshoots and wallops
him in the nose instead.
"Neku …!" he whines, but Neku just turns around innocently.
"Oh, sorry," he replies, and it's the least sincere thing he's said all day.
Joshua scowls at him. Point to Neku.
Hey, wait. Neku might be on top of him, but …. "Would you stand up for a
second?" Neku says, doing so himself, and Joshua follows. Okay, so he's at eye-
level.
On a hunch, Neku looks down, to where Joshua's ankles are about level with
Neku's knees.
Neku looks back up at Joshua's face. "How about you have your feet actually
touch the floor, asshole."
"Oh, I suppose," he huffs, and fucking wow, does Neku really have half a head
on him? And Neku isn't even that tall!
"Josh, how long have you been tiny?"
The shortstop crosses his arms and sniffs dramatically, then flops backwards
onto the couch like a dead man. "I'm not tiny," he lies blatantly. "It's you
who's ridiculous."
Yeah, sure. And Neku has a bridge to sell him. "By what standard?"
He sighs. "Neku, what age did I die, again?" Fifteen, but -- oh. If he was
going to be a late bloomer …. Neku can't help it; he bursts out laughing at
Joshua's expense for the second time that day, and this time, Joshua hadn't
planned it. Revenge is sweet, and he settles back down onto Joshua's thighs,
basking in his amusement.
"I'm sorry you're short, Josh," he says easily, and Joshua glowers at him.
"I'll help you get things off the top shelf if you need me to."
Joshua rolls his eyes and shrugs, like Neku's the one behaving badly, and Neku
sticks his hand under Joshua's hood to ruffle his hair. "It's impolite to mock
people for things they can't control, Neku, dear," he lectures. "They might
take it personally, and then what would you do? I might not even want to kiss
you any more."
"Ah, I see," he says neutrally, pulling his legs up to rest his monkey slippers
on Joshua's shoulders. "Maybe I'll just sit here and tell you all about the
wonderful restaurants within walking distance of my dorm," he says, and Joshua
tries to remain impassive, though Neku sees his eyebrow twitching. "There's
even this twee little café that has regular hours and everything, and their
pastries are actually edible. I could bring you some, if you want. They're way
better than Wild --"
"Would you just kiss me already," Joshua snarls, and Neku does, sliding his
legs over as he closes in. Neku figured he'd be the one leaning down, but as
soon as their faces get close, Joshua snaps up and shoves him back, banging
their noses together.
Guess the height cracks really got to him, Neku thinks, as Joshua gazes down at
him sharply and jams his tongue in Neku's mouth. Joshua is seriously not the
best kisser, but it doesn't really matter as Neku goes slack and lets him lead,
even if he is sloppy and overeager. (Neku's still not great at it, either, but
he suspects Joshua's more trying to prove a point than anything else.) He even
bites Neku's lip in his quest to savage Neku's throat, which … ouch? That is
not Neku's idea of a good time, and he pulls back. Joshua leans forward with
him, and lets out a whine as Neku moves out of reach.
"What?" Joshua says, a bit cross.
"I know you're psychic, so do you mind not sucking?" Neku asks tiredly. "You've
never been great, but that was just sad."
Joshua lets out a sigh, his face falling. "My apologies, Neku," he murmurs,
leaning back to let Neku up. "May I try that again?"
Neku nods, a tad exasperated. "Mind the lip this time, though," he adds, and
leans in. Joshua's still insistently taking the lead, but at least this time
he's going slow about it, carefully and thoroughly trying to explore his lips,
though he occasionally releases disgruntled sounds. Not like it's Neku's fault
if he's being pissy, even with their bickering; Joshua's at least no longer
determined to be the one looking down. It's not bad, and Neku's only just
started getting into it when Joshua pulls back and rests his mouth just inside
Neku's collar.
May I? he sends, and no sooner than Neku thinks a yes does Joshua go to work.
He's much better at this, teeth lightly brushing Neku's skin as he sucks and
licks Neku's neck, and the whole thing goes straight to Neku's groin without so
much as a hickeys are not the best idea.
I'll be careful, Joshua promises, and Neku can believe him, actually. He might
be an asshole, but he doesn't want people speculating on Neku's love life any
more than Neku does. Probably.
He switches to the other side, going nice and symmetrical, and slowly moves
downward. When he'd need to undo Neku's buttons, he pulls back and looks at
Neku seriously: "You're Shibuya's. Nowhere else's."
Is that what this is about? Neku raises an eyebrow. "The reapers everywhere
else all seem to think my name's Shibuya, yeah."
Joshua hums, then rests his forehead on Neku's chest. "You sound like Shibuya,
but you brought Tokyo with you, too, Neku," he sighs. "You're human, so it's
natural, but it bothers me, to have other districts staking a claim."
So he's jealous. Neku sets his chin on Joshua's hood, letting his hands explore
what he can of Joshua's hair. Neku's not fucking any other composers, nor will
he: Joshua is enough of a handful, and he smiles into Neku's chest, carefully
loosening the buttons with a hum.
Yeah, one composer's more than enough: what kind of guy manages to get jealous
over a t-shirt?
"You bought it because you liked the artwork," he mumbles, "so you're spreading
the influence of outside artists here, in my domain. And you bought it from a
friend of the artist, rather than mass-market, so it's -- loud, comparatively."
"You never got sulky over my clothes before," Neku points out.
"Anything worn by someone of Shibuya is Shibuya fashion," he replies. "You
weren't intending to visit, so it wasn't, which is fine, but -- distracting."
He burrows into Neku's chest, then adds: "It was petty."
Well, he's right about that.
Neku pushes Joshua's hood down, though the fabric was nice and soft. "I already
knew you were petty and weird, Josh," he tells him, trying to be reassuring.
"Just try to make sure I know when you're actually bothered by something and
when you're just dicking with me."
"Speaking of dicking," he muses, pulling back to leer at him. Neku narrows his
eyes.
"That was terrible," Neku informs him. "With that come-on and a freaking fox
onesie, you're trying to get laid?" Smirking, he adds, "I wouldn't be caught
dead doing that."
"Too bad I already am," he replies, and they both snicker shamelessly at the
awful joke. Oh, reaper humor. That shit never gets old.
Neither does Joshua.
Neku should not find this as funny as he does, but he carefully undoes the
buttons on Joshua's fucking onesie (pun not intended, that time) as Joshua's
sharp shoulders clip through the top. Conservation of motion versus physical
accuracy, and Joshua will always choose the former.
"I missed you," Joshua murmurs, pulling off Neku's top and trousers without
actually using his hands, which is a neat trick. He leaves the socks and monkey
slippers on, though, and honestly getting Neku's capris off without removing
his slippers is a feat in itself.
Hehe, feat. "Should we really be doing this out here?" Neku realizes. It's kind
of a public space, and he's seen Pi Face sitting on one of these couches.
Gingerly, Neku checks for grease stains. He doesn't see any, but ….
"It's my couch," he says primly, "and it's easier to clean my couch than my
bed." That sort of makes sense, given the completely absurd scale Joshua's bed
is on, but then he adds: "These cushions are replaced every few weeks, anyway;
it's rare I get through a month without a reaper wrecking them, even before
accounting for Sanae's proclivities."
"Can we not talk about Mr H right now," Neku says flatly. Seriously, no
thinking about Hanekoma in this sort of context. It's wrong.
Joshua gets a sly look in his eyes, so Neku just shoves his hand over Joshua's
mouth. Nope, nuh uh, not even going there, and he's not in the least surprised
when Joshua licks it. His mouth is cold, Neku realises, and it isn't new, but
Neku's nearly used to it.
If Neku ends up with a thing for dead people, it is completely and utterly
Joshua's fault. Joshua grins and pushes Neku so he's lying on the couch, then
passes through Neku to sit on top of his crotch. "You had better mean it about
other composers, Neku," he says comfortably, sliding so the tail of his onesie
brushes Neku's thigh, and that's really kind of disturbing. Neku doesn't want
to be a furry, either. "I don't mind it if you sound like other people, so long
as you're responsible, but I won't share with other districts."
"If they're anything like you," Neku promises, "don't worry: you are way too
much to handle as it is. I am at my dead people limit." And thank god.
"Reapers are acceptable, however," Joshua muses, "so long as you do your best
to seduce them to Shibuya." Neku gives him a look, though it doesn't take. "You
are being responsible, yes?" he adds, and is he really asking this?
"I'm not gonna get anyone pregnant," Neku states, glowering, and he'd really
hoped that Joshua's intervention was a fluke. "You don't have to worry about
me."
"Oh, but I do," he purrs, and Neku stiffens (and not in the good way). "You
tend to be lax with your Bitou, Neku, and while I know he's clean, you
generally don't, and I won't have you serving as a disease vector."
Uh.
"It would make me look bad," Joshua adds, and Neku rubs his head. Oh, god.
"Condoms, Neku; condoms anytime someone puts something in someone else, and if
you don't have one, stick with your hands and wash thoroughly afterwards. No
exceptions; composers might not be able to support anything, but reapers can,
and you don't want me to have to clear you out."
So no exceptions other than Joshua, he corrects mentally, and he scowls. What a
goddamn busybody.
Joshua chuckles as he slips a_chart onto Neku's clothes. "If you think I'm
bad," he adds, smiling faintly, "you should ask Kariya about vaccines. Many of
us have been around for a while, Neku: we take it seriously because it is
serious. Don't underestimate it."
"I'm up to date on those," Neku informs him, and Joshua lays a kiss on his
nose. His face heats, and more as Joshua presses him against the couch, his
breath hitching. He's not sure if he's embarrassed or aroused, and Joshua's fox
onesie doesn't help matters.
"As you should be," Joshua says, and Neku's eyes narrow. Can't they get back to
the sex? "There isn't a composer around who doesn't care about public health
concerns; we'll all appreciate it if you keep an eye on your friends."
"And I would appreciate a change in topic," Neku snaps, and Joshua snorts.
"Be good, my dear conductor; that's all I ask."
That title … he might have agreed to it, but that doesn't mean he's used to the
idea. "I keep expecting Shades to pop up behind me," he admits.
Joshua leans forward, gaze intent, close enough for his bangs to brush against
Neku's cheeks. "You are my conductor, Neku," he murmurs, so pleased with
himself, and Neku shivers. "I'd rather you get used to it."
"It's still kind of …" he starts, and then stops. He does think of Shades
first, but more than that, it's Joshua staking a claim, and Neku's not sure how
he feels about that. He's gone along with it so far, and Joshua's not been
asking for too much, but still, it's weird.
"You still expect me to throw you to the shark noise," Joshua concludes coldly,
moving back and repositioning himself off of Neku, and even with the bad joke,
Neku misses the lost contact.
"Not funny," he states, and Joshua shrugs, acknowledging it. "I don't expect
you to, exactly …."
"What is it, then," he says, and it's as much how can I make you trust me as so
you're leaving me, and neither of those are right, damn him. Neku does trust
him; it's just --
All this time and they still --
"Joshua, come here," Neku says instead, and Joshua doesn't move. Not until Neku
sits up a little, anyway, sliding off the monkey slippers, and then Joshua lets
him pull him close, weightless. "I'm still not over it, okay? I know it wasn't
the same for you, and it really does help me that you've been explaining some
of what it is you actually do, but -- it's rough."
Joshua makes a noncommittal sound.
"And then sometimes it feels more like you want to order me around, and that,
that I'm not okay with," he adds quickly. "I don't think you're just out to use
me again, but --"
He tenses, but doesn't try to leave Neku's arms. "I don't want to use you," he
murmurs, pushing himself closer, and Neku shivers at his cold torso against
Neku's nipples. That is so not right. "I just want you to be here, with me, at
my side."
And he's got that, but … Neku's got his own world, too. Maybe he needs the
reassurance that Neku can even exist in his. "Just don't act like you're
forgetting my name or anything, then," he settles on, and Joshua loosens up.
"Wouldn't dream of it," he says softly, then: "Conductor Sakuraba." Neku
shivers again. That sounds more like the name of a villain, and that's a whole
different type of disturbing. "Neku," he adds, and brushes his lips against
Neku's. "I still want to pay you back."
"It's not necessary," Neku says as Joshua stares down at him.
"The day I leave a debt unpaid will be a dark day indeed," he says archly, "and
since you did most of the work earlier …."
"… you expect to top," Neku finishes, and Joshua quirks a brow.
"Only in the sense that I'd like to make you feel good," he corrects. "Beyond
that, I have no preferences."
Liar. Well, maybe not, but -- liar. Neku thinks about it, but he's not sure
what he'd want, either. It's been a long day and not having to work hard sounds
appealing, though, so fuck it, let's go for broke: "Surprise me." And may he
not regret it too much.
Chapter End Notes
     Joshua is a fucking furry. At least he doesn't have his sexily-
     ripped-and-therefore-useless Bunny Parka on, though. I don't know if
     that's an improvement or not.
     This is yet another case of one chapter being belatedly split into
     two. Theoretically, I should probably go through and add more chapter
     breaks where necessary so I don't end up with 8k monsters, but too
     bad, the chapter count's just going to creep up for now every time I
     add another break. Same amount of content as planned; I'm just
     putting everything into bite-sized pieces for you all. Aren't you
     lucky!
***** Chapter 8 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Joshua gets that gleam in his eye like the dog who's found the butter, and top
is pretty accurate as he leaps onto Neku and psychokinetically lifts both them
up enough to slide Neku's underwear off. God, is Neku seriously getting butt on
the world's softest couch. Sorry, couch.
The couch won't mind, Joshua replies swiftly, going in for a kiss again, and
this time it's nearly chaste. Only nearly, because it is Joshua and he's always
one breath (that he won't take) from something lewd, but Neku smiles into it
all the same.
"Hi," Neku says dorkily, barely moving his mouth, and Joshua beams, moving one
hand to brush the nape of Neku's neck with his thumb. His hair stands up, as
much from the contact as the fact it's Joshua, but Joshua warms up quickly
enough and Neku leans into it. He knows Joshua won't hurt him.
Joshua lightly kisses his nose, too, then adds, like it's the weather: "How do
you feel about butt stuff, anyway?"
Neku chokes. "I haven't done much," he warns, face hot, "but I'm good with the
idea? I mean, don't get too ambitious or anything …."
"I won't," Joshua promises, and that's not actually reassuring.
"What's with the fox pyjamas, anyway?" Neku finally asks, carefully trying to
slide them off. "That's not even your Noise form."
"No, it isn't, is it," he concedes, finally deigning to remove it. He still had
elegant black slacks on under it, though, and those he leaves on. … Neku isn't
actually sure the trousers would have fit under the onesie, and the thought of
Joshua cheating his outfit is weirdly amusing. God, he's petty. "I'm
beautiful," he corrects, "and none of the dog ones matched my style."
What style? "A wolf'd be closer, though, wouldn't it?"
"I am not a wolf," he says primly, and Neku has the weirdest impression he
stepped on a sore point. Shouldn't it be more offensive to call a wolf a dog?
"I preferred the fox one."
Might as well have gotten a cat, Neku thinks, or better yet a bunny, if he's
not going to be anything close to the right kind of canid. Joshua rolls his
eyes at him. "Either roll over or put your legs up," Joshua says instead,
glancing at Neku's groin, speculative. "I can hold them up if you get tired,
but I can't promise you would keep circulation."
That sounds kind of undignified, so Neku scrambles onto his belly, careful not
to fall off the couch, and feels Joshua nudging at his hips and sending him an
impression of him with his ass up in the air. "Anal isn't much of a surprise,
Josh," Neku says, a bit disappointed.
"Convenient that it isn't what I have in mind, then," he replies slyly, and he
silently proffers some pillows he's conjured to make Neku more comfortable.
They're soft but firm, and Neku cheerfully sets them down so as to spare his
elbows. He's not comfortable enough to drift off to sleep or anything, but he
does feel appropriately lazy, and Joshua hums with pride.
Neku cranes back to watch him, and right now he'd kind of appreciate a mirror.
Or better yet, clairvoyance. Joshua chuckles in his mind, and casually rests
himself between Neku's legs. He tosses an approving glance at the stockings,
bright fruit on a black field contrasting nicely with Neku's natural paleness,
though Neku has a visible tan line and, uh, oops. "Spend a lot of your time on
your feet, do you?" Joshua says rhetorically, lifting up one leg to massage
Neku's calves, and fuck but he could do that all day.
"Standing height's a better perspective," he says shakily, and Joshua goes for
his feet, too. Neku's sure he still runs too cold, but it's hardly noticeable
through the fabric, and Joshua keeps it from being scratchy or frictiony as he
works through the muscles. It kind of hurts a bit, but it's a good pain, and
Neku groans in appreciation. God, he's stiff, and not in that way, asshole!
(Well, maybe in that way, but still, no puns. No puns ever.)
He's delicate but firm as he bends Neku's legs carefully, stretching the
muscles, and Neku lets out a sigh of relief. "You're a good kid, Neku," Joshua
murmurs. "A good kid, and an excellent investment, my dear conductor, and I
want for you to love Shibuya as much as I do, hm?"
Neku's not sure how much loving Shibuya has to do with getting laid, but he'll
take it. Joshua nudges the pillows so Neku's weight's more distributed and he
can almost sprawl out, flopping as bonelessly as he'd like, and Joshua's tongue
connects with the ball of his foot.
"Cold, Josh!" Neku shrieks, curling to glare at him, but Joshua just smiles and
keeps going. Wait, how is he -- Neku cranes over and Joshua's licking him
through the socks, and Neku baps him on the head with his other foot. Joshua
yelps and moves his head back, scowling. "That tickles," Neku complains, "and
you're getting buzzy."
Joshua does -- something, and the not-sound lets off, but Neku grunts as
Joshua's weight properly settles on the couch. "I suppose that takes too much
finesse for right now," he mutters to himself. "Everything all right?"
"Yeah," Neku replies. "It was fine when you solidified, and it wasn't bothering
me when you were -- floaty, but then you …." He trails off, not sure how to
describe it.
"Some frequencies are easier to tolerate than others, I suppose," he muses,
"even with Shibuya tempering my vibe, here in the heart of my district."
"That why you like having me here?" Neku checks, and Joshua hums agreement.
"And you don't give me much of a headache in the shops …."
"Reaper sigils apply to us all, more or less," he confirms, resting his head on
the small of Neku's back and gripping Neku's shoulders, "or else I'd never be
able to relax." His hair tickles and Neku jerks forward, but Joshua runs his
hands down Neku's sides, slowly but thoroughly counting off Neku's ribs. His
hands hit a lump, and he stops. "Neku, did you know you have a third nipple?"
That's a mole, he starts to say, but Joshua rubs it in fond fascination and
there's a flash of an imprint and -- Neku pushes it back reflexively, much like
he'd jerk his hand out of an ant nest. "Don't think you can do that," he
mumbles, and Joshua sends him an apology.
"I just wanted to send you some further understanding of anatomy," he murmurs,
pulling his head up as his hands grasp Neku's hips. "I suppose I'd need to
translate it.
"Oh, just stop fooling around and fuck me already," Neku snaps tiredly. Not
that this isn't interesting, but he'd kind of like for Joshua to get to the --
And Joshua's got his face on Neku's ass and hands on Neku's cock, and Neku
jerks back because warn a guy, why don't you! You asked, he replies, laughing,
and come on, Josh, no cold hands on the merchandise. He chuckles, and that
feels weird, the shaking of his laughter brushing his hair where Neku had not
really expected hair to go, but he does warm up, fingers gently massaging the
base of Neku's cock as he moves down and slides Neku's balls into his mouth.
You're lucky I don't insist on a trim first, he adds, licking his testicles as
he slides something around Neku's stiffening cock, and Neku tries to pull
himself up enough to see. Ah-uh, Joshua chides, gently holding him still: you
said you wanted a surprise.
Yeah, point, so he stops struggling and Joshua lets go. "Don't do anything
weird, butt-sniffer," Neku says instead, and Joshua presses Neku's balls
against his teeth with his tongue. Fuck, right, not the time to antagonise him.
Behave, Neku, is all he says, and if he's got to have a bit of an oral
fixation, at least he's telepathic. Joshua chuckles again, these short bursts
of pressure, and Neku shudders.
"You're still taking your sweet time about this," he notes, and Joshua adjusts
the -- is that a cockring? slightly before stroking his shaft and gently
pulling Neku's balls out of his mouth.
"Patience, conductor," he says, and he sticks his tongue up his asshole.
"Fuck!" Neku yelps, because even if he's warmer he's still cold and wet, and
okay, maybe he's just tracing the muscle with his tongue, but a bit of warning
would be nice!
You had plenty, he snipes, grasping his cock and balls in one hand as he
presses his thumb on Neku's anus, not really trying to put it up there as just
exert pressure, and Neku's not really sure if he wants to move up or down.
Up, he settles on, as Joshua traces Neku's perineum with his tongue, and fuck
but does he wish Joshua would actually jerk him off already. Patience, he
repeats, but that's easy for him to say: he's still got his pants on! What a
coincidence, Neku, I hadn't noticed.
"You're just trying to show how unaffected you are, asshole," Neku calls back,
and flushes: that was not nearly as smooth as he expected.
Joshua lifts his head up, and Neku didn't want him to stop, okay, that is the
opposite of what he wanted! "This is the closest to ordering you around that I
had in mind, Neku," he murmurs, and Neku kind of wishes he was allowed to look
back so he'd know if Joshua's embarrassed too. "I thought I'd show you what you
have to worry about."
"Yeah, an excruciatingly slow fuck," he grumbles, and Joshua laughs yet again.
What an annoying guy, and he's even more annoying as he moves his hand to let
his tongue probe at his asshole as Neku tries to relax. He's too tense, and
he's got the suspicion he's always a bit too tense, but Joshua flashes him a
query and then hums something that should sound familiar. What it is, Neku
can't tell, but Neku's butt relaxes, Neku's everything relaxes, and he
collapses down onto the cushions, completely carefree. It's Joshua's fault,
whatever it is, and he takes the chance to slide the whole of his tongue in,
wide and wet and merely lukewarm.
Neku moans and grinds up on Joshua's face, hoping he's not doing anything
particularly rude and trying to keep the knowledge of what his butt is for out
of his mind, but Joshua just grins against Neku's buttocks and wiggles his
tongue. I raise the dead on a regular basis, Neku dear, do you think I care?
"Glad you've got that much dog in you," Neku replies absently, and Joshua jerks
and slams his tongue up against the back in indignation. That could nearly be
enough for Neku to come right there, Joshua's pressure against a nice spot, but
he's in the wrong headspace and Joshua waits for him to calm down a little.
I still haven't gotten to the good part, Joshua sulks, even if you are a brat,
but if he's a brat, what does that make Joshua? It makes me perfect, he
finishes proudly, slowly withdrawing his tongue, and Neku groans. But he's not
done yet …!
But the moment his mouth's clear, something slick and cool and hard moves back
in to take advantage of his loosened muscles, and that makes sense. Neku tries
to remember to breathe as it slides into his ass and widens to press on his
prostate, but it's hard and he cants his hips, scrambling to grip his cock.
Only Joshua grabs his hand before he can reach, long thin fingers deceptively
light on his forearm, and says: "Neku, do you trust me?"
"Y-yeah," he forces out, and because Joshua needs to hear it: "Yeah, I trust
you."
"Then let me take care of you," he replies, letting him go, and Neku moves his
hands back. He lays a kiss between Neku's shoulders as the hard thing narrows,
and --
"Is that a butt-plug?" Neku asks, and Joshua hums affirmation.
"You can move now," he says, gently pulling Neku up and onto his lap, and Neku
lets him, shifting his legs out from under him so he can see Joshua's face.
"Don't finish yourself off, though," Joshua adds, but fuck, every time the plug
shifts in his ass, it makes him squirm more.
"Joshua …" he manages, and Joshua brushes the hair out of Neku's eyes.
Neku wonders what he sees, to gaze down on him like he's the foundation of his
world, but he'll probably never know. Everyone has their own worlds, and he'll
never really understand anyone else.
You held my soul, Joshua replies, and still you trust me. How could he not?
They were partners, and Neku trusts his partners. And Joshua smiles, soft and
somehow sad, as he rests his hands on Neku's chest, arms bracketing his head,
and Neku grasps them. Two points of contact, as Joshua opens his mouth silently
and Neku jerks.
He's a bit stunned, his ass clenching on the plug hard enough he can't see for
a moment, and Neku looks up at him in surprise. Joshua stares down, impassive,
as Neku feels the pressure below him again and thrusts upward, the ring sliding
against the head of his cock, and he feels it start vibrating and yelps. It's
not bad, but it's more sensation than he was expecting, and Joshua snorts, his
not-breath rustling Neku's hair.
"I've got you," Joshua murmurs, and there's so many reasons that shouldn't be
reassuring, but right now that sounds wonderful, and Neku lets himself make all
the sounds he feels like as Joshua watches him with possessive pride. Joshua
doesn't seem to have a pattern for when he forces Neku to cant up, but he
doesn't need one, his psi doing a fine job as he levitates the cock ring up and
down, never letting Neku grow used to the vibration.
He doesn't know how long he'll last with this, but Joshua grins as soon as he
thinks that and thrusts the butt-plug forward, wiggling it around his ass as he
grinds down on empty air, and he feels the vibration turn up against his
frenelum and it's too much. Go on, Joshua imprints, and fuck it, he lets
himself come and watches it splatter on his chest and Joshua's hands.
That's what you get if you don't let him aim, he thinks absently, trying to
catch his breath, but Joshua just furrows a brow and flicks it off onto Neku's
thighs, pressing down on Neku's chest when he considers moving.
"You're not done," Joshua corrects, and while Neku'd disagree, he feels Joshua
burning away his exhaustion, and maybe he isn't, really. He feels like he is,
but Joshua doesn't let him up and Neku lets himself enjoy the moment, doesn't
bother thinking. The composer has him and that feels right, in a way; they both
belong in Shibuya, after all.
"Josh, I …" Neku starts, but he's not sure what to say, and Joshua leans down
to kiss his forehead, tender in a way he's not sure how to deal with. He
doesn't need to do anything, he decides, and he simply gazes up sleepily at
Joshua as he thumbs at Neku's nipples, humming softly. Letting Neku recover,
and the occasional jerks of vibration as Joshua turns the cock ring back on
almost hurt, soft and tired as he is. Only almost, though, and Neku lets it be.
He's tempted to fondle his junk, if Joshua's going to make him go for round
two, but Joshua gently nudges him to keep still, and if Joshua's going to take
care of him … he can't find any reason to object, really, even if his ass is a
bit uncomfortable. "Don't think about that too much," Joshua advises, and he
lets go of Neku's chest to tease at his cock, his hand pleasantly lukewarm as
he pushes the ring down closer to Neku's balls. Neku shifts, sitting up a bit
so Joshua can reach better, and Joshua nuzzles his neck, then moves up to
nibble at his ear.
Neku flushes, more embarrassed than aroused, and it's odd how still Joshua is.
Part of him keeps wanting to check if Joshua's still breathing, but of course
he isn't and Neku knows that. He's dead, and Joshua pulls him close as he plays
with Neku's foreskin with one hand and grips his waist with the other. He's so
tired, but Joshua hums and watches over his shoulder as he eases Neku hard
again, his fingers testing but firm as he lifts Neku's preferences from his
mind.
It doesn't take him long to come again, his young constitution no match for
Joshua's skill, and afterward Joshua cleans him off and removes the toys
without dislodging him, which is a neat trick. He could honestly fall asleep
right here, but even with the afterglow, he has the presence of mind to tilt
his head over and try to kiss him.
Joshua obliges after a moment, and his forehead relaxes in relief; funny,
because Neku didn't have anything to complain about. His mouth tastes of
absolutely nothing, but that's okay; Neku lazily lets Joshua explore him
anyway, and it's nice. Comfortable, in a way the composer doesn't have to be,
but something gets through Neku's head and he jerks up, teeth banging against
Joshua's unpleasantly. "You didn't get yours," he blurts out, but Joshua just
laughs.
"It isn't a problem, my dear conductor, though I appreciate the concern," he
says pleasantly, finally moving a hand so he can run it through Neku's hair.
He's going to mess up the spikes, Neku thinks, then remembers he didn't re-gel
it after his shower. That's okay, then. "I wanted to make you happy."
Well, he did that. "Okay," he says, and since Joshua doesn't seem to want
anything more from him, drifts off to sleep.
===============================================================================
Neku wakes up and the first thing he sees is blue. He grumbles in dismay -
- cyan lights are a terrible idea, all things considered -- and yet more at the
fact he's sweaty and naked. At least Joshua wrapped a duvet around him, so he's
not cold, too.
"What time is it," he tries to say, though it comes out as incoherent mumbles.
"Seven in the morning," Joshua replies brightly, walking in, and if it's a
coincidence he came in right as Neku woke up, he'll eat his hair gel. "I didn't
know if you had plans, so I made sure you'd feel reasonably well rested and
woke you early."
"Thanks," he says, pulling himself up and adjusting the duvet. Joshua sets a
platter of pancakes on the table and plates and utensils for each of them, and
Neku blearily digs in. It might be too fucking early on a Saturday and Neku
suspects he went to bed way late, but he doesn't really feel it. He's kind of
eager to do something, actually.
Joshua beams at him. "You'll need to catch up on sleep, but it is my job to
help people pull all-nighters when appropriate."
"And your sex life's vital, I know," Neku grumbles, though he's not mad. Pretty
much the opposite, actually: that was kind of awesome, if a bit weird. A good
weird, but weird.
"Actually, it was getting close to sunrise when you showered," Joshua says, and
Neku gapes. "Shibuya lent you energy to help you keep working."
And if it was sunrise then, and it's seven now …. "So I was out for, what, an
hour?"
Joshua grins. "Pretty slick, huh?" And Neku's staring. "It won't make up for
actual rest, but you should be fine so long as you go to bed early tonight."
That's … that's actually pretty awesome. Joshua preens, and Neku starts in on
his pancakes to hide his face. No point letting the guy know how much Neku
appreciates that; he's big-headed enough. (Pity he already does.)
Joshua's eating, too, he notices, and Neku wonders if that's just for show.
Doesn't really matter either way, he supposes, and Neku notices after a moment
that he's ravenous.
Well, if he was up all night, no wonder. Joshua notices when he clears his
plate and gives him a bowl of oyakodon, too, and even if Neku would not have
thought that goes with pancakes at all, he appreciates the protein and devours
that, too. Making up for skipping dinner, he supposes; he feels a bit like he
did when he ate food in the Game, meals lost in the dichotomy of eaten and have
not eaten and a day's worth of food downed in an hour.
"Do you have plans?" Joshua asks, and Neku thinks. He somehow managed to get
all his homework done last night in a third of the time it should've taken him,
even with him pulling an all nighter, and that's pretty big right there …. He's
in Shibuya, so he might as well call Beat and hang out with him, and maybe
Shiki and Eri, too? It's hard to tell with them; they're good people, but if
Neku says anything about what he did last night, Shiki and Eri'll keep
exchanging pointed glances.
Joshua's kind of an asshole, but Neku can make his own decisions, and sometimes
he thinks Shiki'd rather he have nothing to do with the UG at all. It's
understandable, but Neku'd like Joshua to be happy, too, and it's not like the
UG's all bad, either. Just a lot of people doing their best in a messed up
world.
"May I offer some advice?" Joshua says quietly. Neku glances up. "Avoiding Miss
Misaki when I might come up as a topic of conversation does neither of you any
good. You don't have to press the issue, but your current approach merely
ensures I'll be the fracture point between you and your friends."
"She hates you, you know," Neku mutters. "Like, I've told her you resurrected
us --"
"You told her the composer resurrected you," Joshua corrects. "And that I'm the
composer, but the nature of my position means that knowledge is very difficult
to retain anywhere within Shibuya's influence."
Neku inhales sharply. "So she doesn't know," he realises, and Joshua inclines
his head. "Or she does know, but she only really remembers you're the one who
murdered me."
"Twice," Joshua says, "as you're so fond of reminding me." Neku smiles. "So
yes, from her point of view, you're spending a not insignificant amount of time
with the reaper who murdered you, thus entrenching yourself into the Game you
all tried so hard to escape."
"While Beat was a reaper," Neku finishes, "so you're not the faceless enemy,
and he saw us as partners." Joshua smiles, sharp and proud. "Right, okay."
That doesn't really get him much closer to solving the problem, but at least he
has a better grasp of what it is. He can work with that. "Do you mind if I --"
"Absolutely," Joshua says. "Go. Shower, have fun with your friends, live. Do
what you need to do. I'll still be here."
"I'm holding you to that, you know," Neku says, smiling, and does.
Chapter End Notes
     Clothed sex, stone top, rimming, sex toys. :V Joshua still being a
     fucking furry. Do I have the chapter count right for now? AO3 ate it
     again. It's not really a big deal, since I'm revising it as I go
     anyway, but given that I'm always going to post at least one planned-
     chapter per Monday and Friday and just double-update whenever I split
     it, I'd like it about accurate. I don't believe in cliffhangers,
     haha, and the current chapter breaks are based on plot beats, rather
     than keeping a reasonable wordcount.
***** Chapter 9 *****
Joshua’s chatting on the phone when Neku gets out of the shower, so Neku just
waves and takes the exit Joshua points to. It’s not the usual one, and Neku’s
surprised to see it opens up into Udagawa. The door vanishes the moment he’s
through, of course, but it’s nice of him to not make Neku take the long route.
Odd that he doesn’t usually, though.
He’d’ve thought he’d have more emotions about being next to the mural, but even
with Joshua on the mind, Neku just absently notices it and gets a move on. The
Game was a long time ago, and the mural’s magic is nearly dead, knowing it’s
what killed him as surely as Joshua’s gun.
Mr H isn’t worth getting mad at.
Theres a concert later that sounded fun. Want to hang out and check it out? he
texts Beat and Shiki, not really expecting a response at this hour. He feels
buzzed, the city ringing with Joshua’s own quiet joy, and even if Shibuya’s no
longer where he spends all his time, it’s still where he hails from, and that’s
a type of home, too.
Beat doesn’t reply immediately, but Shiki calls him back, even with it being
kind of early. Though maybe she’s used to getting up for work.
“Hey, Shiki,” he says, picking up. “I’m in Shibuya right now, so want to hang
out?”
“Neku! I’d love to, but I need to meet up with Eri for something at noon. Is
that okay? Where are you?”
“Udagawa, but sure! I’ll meet you somewhere?”
“Wild Boar in ten.”
She’s there in nine, flushed and a bit disheveled, but she seems happy to see
him. Neku, for his part, is thrilled to no longer be looking absently at skate
decks: Beat’s probably already happy with what he’s got. Once they’re safely
out of the shop, Neku gives her a hug, brief but earnest.
“I missed you,” he says, and he’s almost surprised how much. He’s met some nice
people on campus, and he’s been talking to Beat regularly and Joshua only a
little less than he would if he still lived here, but finding times where his
and Shiki’s schedules line up is harder than he’d’ve thought. Freaking
adulthood.
“You’re here awfully early,” she says, and he smiles self-deprecatingly. He
knows she’s wondering, but – fuck it, honesty time. If he can try to get along
with Eri, Shiki can pretend to like Joshua. He can’t avoid the topic forever.
“Josh needed me for something,” he explains, more confidently than he feels,
and her face darkens a little. “I know you worry about me with him, but he’s
really not that bad.”
Shiki purses her lips. “You’re the one who knows him,” she concedes, “but I’d
worry less if the rest of us did, too, you know. Do you think he’d go to the
concert with us?”
Neku rubs at the back of his neck, trying to figure out how to respond. Joshua
isn’t exactly somebody who gets more likeable with exposure, but …. “I’ll ask,”
he says, and pulls out his phone.
Hey josh. Do you go to concerts? he texts, feeling a bit silly. The guy was
sick yesterday, and he’s busy at the best of times: Neku can’t really imagine
him heading out for things like that. It’d be nice if he did, though.
I don't leave Shibuya, Neku. I might consider a local one, however.
Good to know. Thx, he sends, and he puts his phone down. “He says no,” and
Neku’s neither surprised nor disappointed. Honestly, that was a better answer
than he expected. “He’s kind of shy, really.”
“Could you invite him for lunch?” she suggests. “You can tell him I don’t
bite.”
Not usually, anyway, but Neku doesn’t really want to see Joshua put her hackles
up. “He doesn’t go outside much,” Neku says, feeling like a heel. “It’s nothing
against you; I’ve mentioned you to him and I think he thinks well of you, but
he – he really doesn’t go out much.”
“Doesn’t go out much, or doesn’t go out with you?” Shiki says rhetorically, and
Neku winces. It’s the former! He’s sure it’s the former, but he can absolutely
see why Shiki’d worry about it. Fuck, he’s not trying to keep his and Joshua’s
whatever-they-have a secret or anything, and Joshua isn’t, either. “Has Beat
met him?”
“Of course he has!” he says, a little indignant, and maybe it didn’t go the
best it could’ve but he’s not trying to keep Beat and Shiki out of his life! He
just – it’s too easy to see the composer as one responsible for everything they
went through, but Joshua is not a bad person. He’s a jerk, and he knows he rubs
everyone else the wrong way, but he’s not a bad guy and he’s Neku’s friend,
too.
But the only way Joshua’s going to get along with anyone else is if he keeps
the discussion to things of no consequence, and maybe Joshua can handle that,
but Shiki can’t stand feeling lied to. It’d be a disaster, and Neku’s the one
who’d feel the fallout.
Neku’s the one who’ll feel the fallout anyway, but at least it’d be out in the
open. “I can introduce you to him, if you really want,” he says reluctantly,
“but he’s pretty prickly.”
“I’d like that,” she says, and fuck, he’s doomed.
Shiki wants to meet you, he types quickly, and hits send before he can have
second thoughts.
Joshua’s reply is immediate as always: Pick a time and a shop that's in the
Game, and I'll be there.
“I already ate,” he warns, “and he only goes to – you remember which
restaurants Players can go to? He’s got the same criteria.”
“I thought reapers could go just about anywhere,” she says dubiously, and he
shrugs. Yeah, but he’s not a reaper. “If you’re not that hungry … I guess that
just leaves WildKat.”
“If it’s even open,” he mutters.
===============================================================================
Of course it is: never let it be said that Mr H’d pass up a chance to make
things more complicated. Neku kind of hates his life.
He’s not alone in that, though. Hanekoma stole Mr Mew’s design for mass-market
at absurd prices, and that’s not the kind of thing you forget in a hurry. Bet
that’s why she works for D+B, when Gatito pays better. Pity you can’t say the
same for Eri. (That’s not fair; she probably wanted to make sure they don’t
steal anything else.)
Mr H, for his part, just smiles, friendly as ever. Like there’s no reason to
ever hold a grudge in a world as wonderful as this. “What brings you kids
here?” he says. “Haven’t seen more than one of you at a time for ages.”
“There’s no Starbucks nearby,” Neku drawls, and Shiki gives him a look. Yeah,
maybe not the best plan to antagonise the guy who’ll be serving them food, but:
“You know if Josh is around?”
“Haven’t seen him,” he says easily, and they’re play-acting, Neku knows they
are.
Shiki deserves so much better than this from them, but he thinks explaining the
whole thing with Joshua and Hanekoma’d just make it worse. Beat at least had
that they both went out of their ways to help Rhyme to even it out a little;
Shiki’d only have Neku’s assurance that Joshua really is not likely to do any
of it again.
(But Shiki didn’t see the Taboo Noise either, so maybe she wouldn’t have the
same visceral reaction. Ughhh, too many variables.)
“He’ll show up sometime,” Neku reassures her. “He and Mr H are friends.”
Shiki nods uncertainly, as she sips her cocoa and Neku his overpriced coffee.
No freebies today, not until Hanekoma’s sure whatever’s between Neku and Joshua
won’t crash and burn, anyway, and that isn’t going to be in Neku’s lifetime. Ha
ha.
Joshua walks in a few minutes later, in his standard button-up and jeans.
“Morning, Mr H,” he says, waving, and then: “Good morning, Neku. And you must
be Miss Misaki?”
“You!” Shiki says instead, shocked. “You’re that guy who helped me when –” she
cuts herself off. “I thought I told you that just Shiki was fine.”
“I forgot,” he says insincerely, and Neku glances between the two of them.
They’d met before? He had no idea. Joshua smiles at them both as he sits
himself at the table, leaving Neku exactly between him and Shiki, and thanks,
dude, Neku appreciates that. Nothing like being stuck in the middle to brighten
his day, but all Joshua does is stroke his chin as he thinks exaggeratedly,
then straightens. “Oh, you would be that designer Gatito promoted by surprise!”
he blurts out like he didn’t already know. “That was naughty of you, Mr H.”
“It all got cleared up,” Hanekoma replies, and Neku and Shiki share a glance.
‘Promoted,’ like he hadn’t planned on selling her art without a speck of
compensation, and Joshua’s got to pick this conversation to be diplomatic about
it?
You’d think he’d at least try to be less of an asshole for Neku’s sake, Shiki
thinks, and Neku winces. Great, just what he needs, to be scanning his friends
by accident.
Little help here, Josh? he thinks, and Joshua sighs in his mind. You need more
control, he chides, but he pulls some of his power around Neku’s all the same.
I won't usually do this for you, Neku; my influence is likely to make it worse.
Neku needs to not invade Shiki’s privacy now, though, and Joshua agrees, if
reluctantly. “Joshua was my partner in the second week, Shiki,” he introduces,
though she has to know that. “He’s kind of an ass, but he’s all right, really.”
“I’m also Shibuya’s composer,” he adds, layering it with a form of imprint Neku
doesn’t recognize. Hanekoma pauses in between washing his dishes. “You likely
won’t remember that detail, but everything else should remain.”
Shiki stiffens. “And why won’t I know that,” she says accusingly, and Hanekoma
smiles. Neku’s tempted to get up and punch him, but that won’t do anyone any
favors.
“It’s nothing personal, I assure you,” Joshua explains. “The UG protects its
own; if you’re not an appropriate choice for composer, the districts themselves
take precautions to keep you … out of the running, as it were. Please don’t
take that as an insult; you’re a fine artist, but you would make a terrible
reaper.”
She mulls that over, and yeah, Neku wouldn’t know how to feel about that
either. Is being told you wouldn’t make a good death god a compliment? “Does
Neku know?” she says finally.
Neku takes a deep breath. Time to get this show on the road. “Yeah, I do,” he
admits, then adds, “I’ve told you and Beat before, too.” Please believe he’s
trying to let her in, Shiki.
“Is there anything else I’m not going to remember?” she adds, and Neku winces.
Fuck, he wishes he’d never told her all the shit he’d done in the Game; the
last thing he needs right now is for her to think Josh’s been leaving
everyone’s memory swiss cheese.
“No,” Joshua says easily, and Shiki looks to Neku for confirmation. He shrugs;
he really doesn’t think Joshua’d’ve done anything, but they wouldn’t know
either way. He trusts him, though. “If I had any intent on messing with your
mind, Miss Mi – Shiki, I likely wouldn’t let you remember I’m Neku’s murderer,
would I not?”
Did he really have to put it like that? Neku scrunches his face up, but Shiki
just nods slowly. She’s got more patience than he does, that’s for sure. “I’ll
believe you,” she says, “but only because Neku trusts you. If you hurt him
again, I’m not going to forgive you, you know that, right?”
“But of course,” he says, and smiles. It’s not a nice smile. “What would you
like to know?”
“Everything,” she says immediately, and Hanekoma settles in to listen, not even
pretending not to. Shiki’s a bit pale, surrounded by unknowns, but Neku moves
closer to her, trying to be reassuring. He should’ve dragged this out for her
ages ago, but she never wanted to know.
She still doesn’t want to know, he realizes, and Joshua doesn’t dress up the
story to make him sound better, but Neku notices Joshua leaves out Hanekoma
entirely. Neku can’t bring himself to correct him, though. Not with Hanekoma
right there and the fresh memory of Joshua’s hurt when Hanekoma made Neku
realize he didn’t even know what he’d lost.
Or gained.
That’s what the entry fees are for, Neku realizes, taking away what you
treasure most so you learn how wrong your priorities were. Neku could’ve been
happy the way Shiki is, the way Beat is, enjoying each small moment, or he
could share in Joshua’s imperfect world. The trees or the forest: pick one; you
can’t see both. Not at the same time.
(But they’re both real, and don’t you forget it. Joshua lost that and look
where it got him. Neku needs to see the fine detail work and back away for the
larger picture.)
“I still trust him,” Neku says once Joshua finishes. “I don’t forgive him, not
for any of it, but I understand it, a little, and it’s not going to happen
again.”
“We all could have died, Neku,” Shiki says, “and he wasn’t running scared. Not
like you were, like we all were. Maybe it’ll seem less big and scary later, but
… I know you’re giving him a chance, but wasn’t that enough? Neku, he says
you’re his conductor now; didn’t we do all of that to get out of the Game?”
“I don’t have any actual duties,” he says quickly, but –
“Neku, he kills people,” she states, and Joshua just listens dispassionately.
It’s true, but …. “He’s not even arguing with that; he killed his last
conductor on a bet, Neku! I know you want me to say I’m happy if you’re happy,
and I want that to be the case, but now I’m more worried than before I talked
to him!”
Thanks, Josh, Neku mouths. Joshua just smiles.
“Josh is a good kid who’s made some bad choices,” Hanekoma says finally, and
Neku and Shiki jump. “I ain’t saying you’re wrong, chica, but Neku ain’t wrong
for wanting to hang out with him, either.”
Except when it inconveniences Mr Hanekoma, that is, but Joshua steps on his
foot for thinking that. Yeah, fine, that’s not a fight to start right now, but
Neku’s not exactly about to go back to trusting the guy.
“Mr H, I’m not sure –” Shiki starts, but Hanekoma interrupts her.
“Shiki, I told you I’m a sort of guardian for the Game, yeah? That means I know
the guy who runs it a bit better than you do, and he’s a pretty good kid, all
things considered,” he states, and wow, having a total asshole as a character
reference must be great. Neku’s sure he’s helping.
And fuck, now Shiki’s shy from being talked over. This was a bad idea. “I just
–” she starts, then gives up. “I’m sorry; you all know him better than me.”
Hanekoma smiles sharply; Neku averts his eyes. They do, but treating Shiki like
that isn’t right either ….
“Miss Misaki,” Joshua says finally, “I am glad you’re concerned about Neku.”
Shiki stares at him. “What?” he snaps. “I can appreciate that Neku has people
who worry about him, can’t I?”
“Nobody said you couldn’t,” Shiki says carefully.
“You just sound like you’re talking out your ass,” Neku finishes.
“That’s what I get for being polite, I suppose,” Joshua mutters, and stands up.
“If you have no further need of me, I suppose I’ll be going,” he says, a bit
snippy. “I’m sure I can find some kittens to drown, if I look hard enough.”
“Stick them in the oven instead so we can eat them later,” Neku advises, and
Shiki and Hanekoma both glare at him. Oh, so it’s fine when he does it.
“Nevermind. See you, Josh.”
Joshua steps backwards through the door and waves. “Have fun, Neku,” he says,
and vanishes.
Well.
“Check, please?”
===============================================================================
Once they’re out of the shop, Shiki stops him, serious. “Neku,” she says, and
he’s in for it. “You … never told me you were asked to be a reaper. Why didn’t
you?”
“I thought you’d be upset,” he replies truthfully. And he was right: she is
upset, and she heard it from Joshua, and – oh shit. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell
you.”
No, he’s sorry he got caught, and they both know it. “Sorry doesn’t cut it,
Neku,” she says, not looking at him. “Maybe it would’ve if you told him no, but
you didn’t, and I’m – really not happy with you right now. I thought you
trusted me, Neku; why do you keep trying to cut me off?”
“I’m sorry,” he says again, but that doesn’t really mean he’s going to stop.
“Hey, Shiki –”
“Save it, Neku. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
He just wants her to know – okay. He nods. “Feel better, Shiki,” he says
instead, and he watches her go.
Fuck.
He just stands there for a minute, not sure what to do, then runs off to the
park. At least there he’ll be able to find a quiet spot, and his face is red
when what he just did hits him. He fucked up. He fucked up so badly, and maybe
Shiki’ll forgive him, but maybe she won’t, and Neku could’ve – he could’ve done
so many things differently.
A low bark, more like a huff than anything else, and Neku stops. “You,” Neku
says, not even bothering to look.
Me, Joshua agrees, and he butts his head against Neku’s thighs. Not demanding,
just sympathetic, but Neku’s not the one who deserves sympathy right now. I
hoped it would go better than that. I am sorry.
You should be, Neku bites down. “It’s not your fault,” he says instead. It’s
Neku’s, and maybe the disaster centers around Joshua, but Neku lied to Shiki
all on his own. “It was going to happen eventually.”
She might forgive you, he says, nudging Neku’s hand with his nose, and all
right, Neku’ll pet him. Neku’ll do a bit more than that: he collapses onto the
ground and buries his face in Joshua’s fur and lets out a huge wrenching sob.
Joshua for his part sits down patiently, resting his head on Neku’s shoulder as
Neku pulls him into a hug.
They shouldn’t be doing this in public, but what does Neku care: he hurt Shiki.
She loves him and trusts him and wants him to be happy and he lied to her and
just sat there silently while Hanekoma shot her down. He’s the worst.
He’s the worst and he’s the one breaking down into tears like he’s the one who
got hurt. What an asshole.
Eri's taking care of her, Joshua tells him, groaning hopefully. God, even
Joshua in his cold little black heart tried to look out for her more than he’s
been. What the hell is wrong with him? You were doing what you thought is best.
“How can lying to people ever be the best choice?” he tries to say, though his
nose is clogged and he only pulled back enough to not get fur in his mouth and
he’s still fucking crying like some kind of loser.
Nothing wrong with having emotions, Joshua chides, which is a bit rich, coming
from him. You didn't correct me when I left out Sanae's involvement.
Of course he didn’t; it had nothing to do with her and she already knows he’s
an asshole, anyway. The point was Joshua, not Hanekoma.
So you see, he finishes, but that doesn’t excuse it at all. Maybe she didn’t
need to hear about Joshua being betrayed, but it’s still not okay Neku tried
his best to leave her out of his life ….
Not an excuse, but a reason, he says, a bit sad, and he pulls back to lick
Neku’s face. Shiki will heal. Maybe she will forgive you. Maybe she won't. But
she knows, now.
“Yeah,” Neku says shakily. She does, so he can stop lying to her. Even if it
hurts her, knowing Neku is putting himself at risk like this.
Daisukenojo should be awake by now, Joshua adds. I suspect he'd like to see
you.
“Yeah,” he says again, taking his phone out. “Will you stay with me?”
Of course, Neku.
It takes him a few tries to type out a text, but it’s not like Beat’ll know and
Joshua doesn’t judge him for it, just keeps his comforting weight where Neku’ll
remember he’s there. It’s so good to not be alone, and even if Neku’d prefer
hugging someone with arms, this is good, too. Joshua loves him, and it might
not fix anything, but it makes it bearable.
“Neku?” Beat calls, and Neku raises his arm: over here. “Yo, since when do you
have a dog?!” he yowls, covering his face, and Joshua laughs.
Right. Shit. Allergies. “It’s okay, Beat!” he calls back. “He’s
hypoallergenic.” Hopefully, anyway; Neku can’t think why he wouldn’t be, but
Beat doesn’t move any closer. Oops. “He shouldn’t make you sneeze,” he adds.
“I trust you, bro, but I ain’t gonna be too happy if you’re wrong about this,”
Beat says, and he reluctantly closes in on them, muttering about staying away
from the fluffy ones. Joshua stands up and wags his tail as he goes over to
sniff him, and Beat recoils, though he does scratch his ears.
Traitor, Neku thinks, but Joshua just chuckles. Good morning, he says politely,
and Beat looks around for someone who could’ve said it.
“Demon dog!” he wails once he realises nobody’s around, and Joshua snorts.
How rude.
“Beat, Beat, it’s okay!” Neku says, stifling a laugh. “This is Joshua, and
he’s, uh, a talking dog sometimes. The reaper Joshua, I mean.” Wow, okay,
Joshua’s approach actually does have its appeal. “Josh, this is Beat.”
Nice to meet you, Joshua adds, and Beat stares at them.
“Not a demon dog,” he mutters, and Neku nods encouragingly. He’s pretty much
the opposite of that, actually, and Joshua pads back over to sit next to Neku,
casually alert. “You mean like Rhyme?”
Closer to Minamimoto and Konishi, but very good, Joshua replies. Ten points to
the former reaper.
Beat stares. “You know about that?” Joshua nods, barely perceptible. “Damn.”
You did pretend to try to erase us, he adds, and Beat winces.
“Sorry about that, dude,” he says, rubbing at his neck, “but that’s ancient
history and I’d like to get off on a clean foot if that’s all right with you.”
Joshua hums like he’s thinking about it, and Neku nudges him. I suppose I can
forgive you, he drawls, and Neku nudges him again, if you pet me.
Beat stares some more, then starts laughing. “You – you asshole!” he blurts
out, and he comes over to scratch Joshua’s head. “You’d better be right about
the dander, Neku.”
“I’m dumping him if he makes you sneeze,” Neku says, and Joshua scratches an
ear, completely innocent.
Beat squints, glancing between the two of them. “Wait, so … your old partner
Priss Kid Joshua, and this dog Joshua ….”
Are the same individual, yes, Joshua says, staticking back into the human boy
just long enough for Beat to register it before reverting to the dog at Neku’s
heels. I suppose I can go with you as long as you're in the district, Neku.
“Thanks, Josh,” Neku replies absently, before turning to Beat and telling him
all about how school’s been going. Even if they’ve been in touch over the
phone, it’s different face to face, and Neku’s eager to show Beat what he’s
been working on. Joshua, for his part, stays out of the way, content to
occasionally demand affection from one or the other. Mostly Neku,
unsurprisingly; Neku’s fairly sure Beat is put off by the whole idea of petting
a dog that is also Neku’s other boyfriend.
No surprise there.
(Or maybe it’s just that he tends to be allergic.)
Joshua lets Neku and Beat catch the train without too much drama, surprisingly.
He simply has Neku give him one last neck-scritch and tells them to knock them
dead. Figuratively, of course. They don’t say much on the train rides, of
course – it’s too crowded – but once they’re not completely surrounded by
people, Beat asks one of the burning questions:
“Neku, you ain’t really dating a dog, are you?”
Neku chokes. “What?! No!”
“Because, like, from what that dog kept saying –”
“He isn’t a real dog.” Fucking hell, Joshua, do you have to ruin everything –
“Man, I get the dog’s a person and all but I am not going on a date with
someone dating a dog,” Beat continues with fervour.
“He’s not a dog!” Neku shrieks. And oh god, people are staring. “He’s not a
dog, Beat,” he repeats, quieter this time. “He’s just – he turned himself into
a dog today because he felt like it. This isn’t a normal thing.”
Beat digests that, then, dubiously: “So you … you aren’t fucking a dog, then.”
“No!” And thank god. Can you imagine – that’s not even thinkable. Ugh, brain
bleach, please. “No, Beat, he’s just a regular reaper who, I don’t know,
thought you’d find the dog form less threatening.” Haha, if only.
Beat thinks about this. “Not a dog, then,” he says, and Neku confirms. “Just a
reaper.” Yep, though that’s not really a just, and they both know it. “Is that
why Shiki was so upset earlier? She was mad about you fucking a dog?”
“I did not fuck a dog,” Neku says again. Beat’s going to tease him about this
forever. “No, she’s mad I agreed to take Shades’s old job.”
Beat stares at him. “You what!?”
***** Chapter 10 *****
Neku survives that conversation intact.
Neku even manages to go to the concert still with a date. He’s not sure he and
Beat are still A Thing, but Beat doesn’t tell them they’re through, just tells
him that if he finds out Neku’s doing a fraction of the shit Shades was doing,
he’ll take him down. He won’t like it, but somebody’s gotta knock some sense
into Neku if that happens, and Beat loves him too much to let him become a
monster.
Neku … Neku has better friends than he deserves.
And then there’s Joshua.
Joshua, who Neku could easily blame for everything going wrong right now. It’d
be so easy, and Joshua’d let him do it. Joshua’s the one dragging him into all
this mess, after all.
… Joshua’s also the one pointing him at problems waiting to happen and going
fix this. Fix it now while you still have the chance. Shiki might forgive him,
or she might not, but she definitely wouldn’t if he’d let it sit much longer.
Beat … Beat’s a nice guy. Neku needs to try harder not to take him for granted.
Fucking Joshua. It’d be so much easier if he was doing this shit on purpose, or
if he delighted in fucking up Neku’s social life, but no: he’s just doing his
best. He’s doing his best, and Shiki’s doing her best, and Beat’s doing his
best, and Neku? Neku needs to get his act together and put more effort into it.
They’ll all try to cover for each other, and he’s not alone, but not being
alone doesn’t mean much if he doesn’t try.
What do you do when people’s bests are at cross purposes, though?
Neku wishes so fucking much there was a neutral party he could talk to.
Hanekoma, maybe, or who he’d thought Hanekoma was before he learned better. But
there isn’t. Not anyone Neku knows, anyway. Everyone has their own interests
and that’s just how it goes, sometimes. Maybe all the time.
Yeah, Neku could blame Joshua, but who’s to say the same problems wouldn’t have
cropped up without him? It’s not like Joshua’s the one trying to keep him from
talking to his friends. Hell, Joshua’s been reminding him of the other people
in his life the whole damn time.
Nobody can go it alone, and when it comes down to it, Joshua’s still alone. Oh,
he’s got people he talks to – more now than he ever has, if Neku’s right about
what his life’s got to have been like – but as far as people he trusts goes?
Nah. Just Neku and Hanekoma: a teenager who doesn’t even live where he can go
anymore, and a complete fucking asshole not worthy of a fraction of the respect
Joshua gives him.
It’d be so easy, for him to let Neku isolate himself as much as Joshua has. So
easy. He hasn’t, though.
Neku’s life could go so much simpler if he just went and told Joshua to fuck
off; they’re through. Shiki and Beat’d be relieved, and they’d take him back in
a heartbeat. Neku doesn’t need Joshua, could live happily without him, and he’d
just – never hear what anyone else is thinking again, the Music of the city,
people creating and changing and learning as they go. Just like everyone else,
and they get by just fine. Never have to make the tough calls, who deserves a
second chance at life and who doesn’t, who to sacrifice and who to save.
It’d be so easy, too, and he’d never have to think about Joshua scared and
alone with the lives of thousands in the palms of his hands, poised over the
abyss. Not that Joshua would let it get that far. He’d sacrifice himself first.
Neku … Neku doesn’t think he can do that. Maybe he could’ve if Joshua was just
using him, but … what’s the point of getting yourself out of a pit if you don’t
help anyone else up? There has to be some way he can balance this, some way he
can help out Joshua without letting him become the center of Neku’s world. He’s
already well on his way; a lot of the reapers are decent people, and no matter
what happens, he’s not going to give up his social life for him. Joshua doesn’t
want him to, anyway.
Maybe he can keep his friendships with Shiki and Beat while he’s at it. He’d
like to, anyway, and they’d probably like to, too. But if he can’t … none of
them are the same people anymore. It wouldn’t destroy them for their
friendships to break. They all helped each other out when they needed it most,
and that’s not the sort of thing that goes away.
Joshua still needs it, and Neku … Neku doesn’t want to be the kind of person to
kick him when he’s down. Not now that he’s trying to reach out. And at the end
of the day, that’s all there is to it.
Neku picks up the phone and calls.
“Yes?” Shibuya’s composer answers. “I know I’m lovely, Neku, but honestly – I
do need to get some actual work done today, you know.”
“I’ll make this quick,” Neku promises. “Josh, about today ….”
“I’ll accept whatever decision you make, Neku. There’s no need to worry about
that.” Fuck damn it, Joshua, let him talk.
Neku takes a deep breath. “That’s not where I was going with that, Josh. Your
clairvoyance needs work.” Joshua snorts, and Neku continues: “Look, I love my
friends, but you’re my friend too, you asshole. I’m not going to side with them
by default, okay?”
“Neku …” Joshua says, and Neku was right: he hadn’t even thought to hope.
“We’ll work this out,” Neku says forcefully. “There’s got to be some way to
balance this, and if there isn’t – well, I can make more friends. They helped
me enough, we helped each other enough, that we can do that, now. None of
that’s going to go away if they can’t handle me not condemning you for trying
to do your best, okay?”
“Neku,” Joshua says again, and he wishes they were close enough right now for
Neku to ruffle his hair.
“They’re – they’re good people,” he states. “Better than me, I think: I don’t
think they could … I think it would break them, trying to do a fraction of the
stuff you do your whole life.” It wouldn’t break Neku, though. It would suck,
and there’s no way he could do it as god-fucking-damned alone as Joshua’s had
to, but he wouldn’t be alone, is the thing.
He wouldn’t even have to go into the seclusion that’s a simple fact of Joshua’s
life. Composer … being composer would break him, he thinks, but he could handle
conductor. It’s terrible, but it’s true.
Shiki and Beat are so much better than him. “Neku, you’re a good person,”
Joshua says finally. “Don’t ever doubt that.”
“We both know I could order erasures,” Neku says harshly, and what the fuck
kind of thing does that say about him? “Maybe I couldn’t shoot you, maybe I
only tried to kill Shiki because I was scared, but fuck – I nearly erased Pinky
and Lollipop just to keep them from getting up again, and they’d helped me –”
“Self-defense isn’t a bad thing, Neku,” Joshua states. “Do you know what would
happen if we all quit work right now? Me, the reapers, the players, all of us?”
“What?” says Neku, though he already suspects the answer.
“We’d all be erased, and no one would have another chance at all,” he replies
quietly. “They’re already dead, Neku, and the Noise forms all on its own. It’s
triage, Neku, not murder; it would be simpler, I think, if we didn’t have to
care.”
“Triage, huh,” he repeats.
Joshua lets out a sigh. “You’re a good person,” he says again. “Your friends
are good people, too, but they aren’t suited for this work, and that isn’t a
bad thing. Some people do best preventing problems, and then there are those
like us who come in after the damage is already done and do our best to pick up
the pieces. Both are important, Neku, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed.”
“Joshua …” he manages. He – okay. Yeah, okay. He can do this. “Thanks, Josh,”
he says finally, and it’s a weight he wasn’t really aware of off his shoulders.
Maybe not for good, but … Joshua can tell him that as many times as it takes to
sink in.
“I’ll wait for you, Neku,” Joshua says. “Have fun with classes.”
“Y-yeah, you too,” and – click.
===============================================================================
School goes … well, it goes. That’s really the best you can say for it;
everyone’s busy prepping for finals, and Neku’s no exception.
Beat calls him a few times, and they chat, but it’s – tense. Getting better,
but tense, like he’s trying very hard not to think about a lot of things, and
Neku hates that he’s put him in this spot. He can’t shake the feeling that
it’d’ve been better if he never told Beat about it at all, even though
logically the topic’d come up eventually.
Shiki would’ve told him, if nothing else.
Rhyme texts him, too, giving him updates on how Beat’s doing and sending him
encouraging messages, in between complaints about her own school situation, and
Neku is so glad he doesn’t have to worry about getting into a good school ever
again. It is over. He is done with entrance exams and he is done with high
school and he never has to do it again.
Shiki, though … Shiki doesn’t send him anything, doesn’t reply to his group
messages. He tries not to ascribe too much intent to that, especially since
she’s been so busy lately, but it’s hard.
He’s not completely isolated, though. Even if everyone’s busy prepping for
finals, they still talk to each other a little, and ….
“Why do you sound like you ran for public office or fucked a composer or
something?” the reaper girl asks him, and Neku blanches.
“We’re not talking about this,” Neku declares fiercely, and a moment later:
“What do you mean, anyway?”
She hums. “Well, you always sound like Shibuya, Shibuya, but you were getting
at least a little normal, then it’s all Shibuya again. I ain’t judging; it’s
just weird.”
Neku scrunches his eyes. So, what, had Joshua left him with a reaper hickey?
They are the only people he cares about knowing where Neku belongs. “I’m the
Conductor,” he says instead. “Why shouldn’t I sound like my district?”
She shrugs, sheepish. “Guess so, mate,” she concedes. “You just got a lot
louder, so I wondered.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he insists, and she accepts that. Oh, good, because he
didn’t want her to know her joke was right on the mark.
Fucking Joshua.
===============================================================================
Neku’d thought he’d gotten used to tuning out everyone’s thoughts again, but
fuck: everyone’s stressed out about finals and it’s getting to him, their own
emotions magnified in the chorus of grades and class ranks even as he leaves as
many encouraging imprints as he can stand. He can’t fight the Noise, not alive
and without a partner, but he still clears what he can. There’s just so much of
it, though, even with the reapers passing by to erase it in shifts, and his
possible-friend’s as stressed as the rest of them.
He needs to get out of here. Fuck school; he’ll try his best on his finals, and
if it comes down to it, he can cheat. It’s not a good thought and he’d really
rather not, but there’s no way he’s going to get anything to stick in his head
when everyone else is trying hard not to panic. He’s got limits, you know?
So the Saturday before finals, Neku heads back to Shibuya, not bothering to
give anyone a head’s up first. Trying to sort things out with Shiki and Beat
right now’s just more stress than he needs, especially when he can wait a week
or two and actually have room to process it, however it goes, but Joshua … Josh
is probably still happy with him right now. He’d’ve never thought that Joshua
would be the low-stress option, but there you go.
No one meets him at the station, of course, but Neku sort of wonders if Josh
had even noticed he’s there. He assumes so, but even his clairvoyance has
limits if he doesn’t know to check. Maybe he can surprise him in his base
again, in better circumstances this time.
That in mind, he plods down to the sewers and eventually finds where the door
to the lounge should be. ‘Should’ being the operative word; there’s nothing
there he can see, but it definitely feels right. Did Josh vanish the door?
Fuck it, let’s go for broke. He’s going to feel very silly if it doesn’t work,
but hey, what else is new?
“Shibuya,” he says out loud, tentative but putting effort into the idea, “I
don’t mean any harm, but I want to prank Your composer. Can you help me?”
Nothing for a moment, and then the door fades into view. Young conductor,
Shibuya says in a voice like cars and crowds and the security of a land always
in flux, for you: anything.
Neku stops breathing for a moment. The city is –
You returned My composer to me, Shibuya continues, and We have long memories.
Do as you will, little monkey.
Neku’d bow, if he knew where to, and settles on one of the walls. “Thank you
very much,” he manages, and heads into the lounge.
It’s still too bright – it’s probably always going to be too bright – but he
adjusts almost instantly, Shibuya still ringing in his ears, and the mood goes
tense as soon as he opens the door. Tense, but not dangerous; Shibuya’s claimed
him as surely as any of the reapers, and he belongs here.
“Incoming~!” calls Lollipop, and Joshua swears and vanishes, power going into a
high-pitched whine until it’s out of Neku’s sensory range.
“It’s just me, ” Neku replies, swapping out his shoes and then walking over.
Joshua fades back onto the couch, across from Lollipop and the tryhard. She’s
preoccupying herself with going over the paperwork spread across the table, but
Neku deeply suspects it’s a feint to hide her own laughter.
“That was not very nice,” Joshua sulks.
Neku coughs. “But your face was priceless,” he says, and honestly, Neku feels
like he can take revenge like that any time he wants. “Besides, Shibuya said I
could.” Well, okay, not exactly, but close enough.
“Really,” Joshua says levelly, raising his eyebrows, and then he beams.
“Shibuya actually spoke to you?” he checks. “Very good. In that case, I suppose
I can forgive you.”
“He’s just cranky because we need to have the budget in by Monday,” the
annoying kid explains. “And if you’re here, he’s hardly going to get anything
done.”
Neku flushes, but at least Joshua pointedly watches some of the fish go by,
too.
Lolly-Kariya clears his throat. “What Coco isn’t saying is that she’s the one
with the best head for numbers out of all of us,” he drawls, “so the only thing
he’s here for is signing off on everything.”
“I read it first!” Joshua huffs indignantly. “Neku, tell them I check it all.”
Like Neku would know? “Uh, I’m not getting into your weird dead people
bickering,” he states, and Coco gives him a thumbs-up.
“See, Josh?” she says gleefully. “Not even the kid’s on your side on that one.”
Harsh, but Joshua just puts a hand over his face and shakes his head. “I have
been betrayed,” he says, woefully, though Neku thinks he’s stifling a laugh.
“Completely and utterly betrayed.”
“It happens,” Neku tells him, plopping down next to him to pat him on the back.
“You probably deserved it, if it helps.”
“And after everything I’ve done for you, too.”
It could so easily be biting, all of it, but instead it’s comforting, just
banter between friends, and Neku feels heartsick that his own are upset with
him. He hopes desperately that they’ll forgive him, but if not ….
Joshua and the reapers exchange a glance. “We’ve probably got this covered,”
Kariya says finally, “if you want to do something with him.”
“I can fake your signature on the inner bits,” Coco chirps. “The budget’ll be
fine.”
Joshua looks at him, imploring.
“It’s up to you,” Neku says. “I don’t want to interrupt anything if you’re
busy.”
“That would be good, then,” Joshua says quietly. “Thank you, Coco, Kouki.”
“Anytime, boss,” Kariya replies, and Joshua stands up, offering his hand to
Neku. Neku takes it.
“Text me if you need me,” Joshua tells them, and they return two “aye, aye!”s.
“Neku? Shall we?”
“Yeah, let’s,” and they do.
***** Chapter 11 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Joshua turns out to be leading him to a sort of study, a desk on one end and a
reclining couch on the other, and Neku … Neku thinks he sees a spot for a fold-
down bed and some heat lamps.
“This was Megumi’s,” Joshua says, infinitely tired, and Neku shivers.
Megumi Kitaniji. No wonder it feels haunted by a ghost.
(They’re all ghosts, a voice in the back of his mind reminds him. Kitaniji’s
just one of the ones who’s finally dead.)
“Why did you bring me here?” Neku says, and Joshua doesn’t look at him.
“I thought … it doesn’t matter what I thought,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku gets
it, a little.
“I know you miss him,” Neku says. “It’s okay.”
Except it isn’t, and they both know that. “I didn’t even like him,” Joshua
says. “I didn’t like him, and I doubt he would have liked me, if he ever saw
past the title to the being that was once Yoshiya Kiryu, and he’s happier now,
anyway. Years of faithful service and I repaid him with –”
“He died protecting what he believed in,” Neku says, and it’s a strange
reversal. “You can’t fault him for that.”
But you can fault me, Joshua doesn’t say. “Why are you here, Neku,” he asks
flatly. “You can’t expect to end up much better than he did.”
And he wouldn’t have, a few years ago, but things are different. “You won’t
destroy me,” Neku says, and Joshua barks a laugh.
“That would be a first.”
“You fixed Shibuya,” Neku offers. “Maybe some of the damage was your fault, but
it was still better afterward than before you started.”
Joshua chuckles. “Perhaps,” he says, “but I did a lot of damage in the
breaking.”
He did indeed, and much of it was to Neku personally. “I don’t,” Neku starts,
not really sure what to say, “I don’t really hold it against you, anymore.”
Joshua jerks around to stare at him. “I don’t forgive you, exactly – a lot of
the things you did were pretty unforgivable – but you’re doing a better job
making up for it than I ever really expected.”
“Neku ….”
“So don’t … don’t forget about what you did, and don’t ever pull that shit
again, but you don’t need to – I don’t want you to hate yourself over it,” he
blurts out. “It’s not okay, and it’s never going to be, but – that’s over now.
We can put it behind us, can’t we?”
Joshua chokes out a laugh-sob and buries his head in Neku’s shoulder, shaking.
Not crying, but – he probably would, if he could. “You’re a better friend than
I deserve, Neku,” he mutters, and Neku just kind of – pats him, awkwardly. Not
a hug, but not not a hug, and Joshua’s so stiff. “Your friends won’t be so
generous, you realise.”
“So fuck them,” Neku says frankly. “You hurt me, not them. They were dead
already; if you did nothing, they’d – they’d’ve stayed that way. And it sucks,
but even with your fucking bet … yeah, they got hurt, but it’d’ve gone about
the same with some other composer. It’s not their call, and somebody else might
not have brought Rhyme back.”
“Little point in raising one Bitou without the other,” Joshua notes, pulling
back a little. Just enough to turn around and let Neku rest his head on him.
“You really mean that, don’t you.”
“Yep,” Neku says. “You’re the composer here; can’t you tell?”
Joshua laughs, leaning back into Neku as Neku puts his arms over Joshua’s
shoulders and settles his weight down on him. “I suppose, yes,” and: Does that
imply you're giving me permission?
“Standard ‘don’t be a jerk’ rules apply,” Neku warns, “but yeah, sure. So what
do you want to do?”
Joshua wiggles his hips and waist against Neku, which, uh, is a bit forward,
considering they’re in the room of a dead guy. (Technically everywhere here’s
in the room of a dead guy, but Shades is a little more dead than everyone
else.) “I was thinking …” Joshua trails off.
“Yes?” Neku says, preparing to wince. Joshua thinking is never a good sign.
“Since you’re here, would you mind if I get started on preparations for the
next Game?” he says finally, and Neku blinks. Not really what he expected, but
…. “It’s a bit early – today was day six, and then we’re off for two weeks –
but if you’re amenable, I’d like for you to ….”
“You want me to see what it is you actually do,” Neku concludes. Rrrrreally not
what he was expecting, and a bit dark for right before exams, but he takes a
deep breath. “I can … I can see what I can help with, I guess. – Did you go on
break just for me?”
Joshua slides out from Neku’s arms and shakes his head, striding over to the
desk and tapping out a rhythm. A stack of papers appears in the air before him,
and he spreads them out on the desk and piles them back up, taking a few to
make a separate stack. “No, Tokyo UGs all generally time our Games to conflict
with school as little as possible. Most reapers don’t keep up a façade of
humanity enough to actually complete school, but enough do that it’s easier to
account for them than not.”
“Are they all around our ages?” Neku asks. “Shades seemed kind of old, but ….”
“Mid-twenties, yes. Megumi was my oldest, physically, and Coco’s the youngest,”
he says briskly, handing Neku part of the smaller stack as he takes the larger
one for himself. Neku glances at it: biographies, or maybe obituaries. “As
people age, their personalities are more set; those who only are given the
options of reaperhood or erasure, without the choice for reincarnation, are
people with the capacity to be worthy, but for one reason or another, they
aren’t there yet.”
“Like Beat and I,” he says, and Joshua nods.
“Those right there are some of the Players who aren’t currently resurrection
candidates, but can get there with some work. I want you to determine their
entry fees.”
Well, fuck. Neku stares at the packets with dread, and flips through. It’s only
two people, but …. Fuck.
“Too much?” Joshua murmurs, and Neku shakes his head.
“I just – fuck,” Neku says. “What’re the ones you’re holding?”
Joshua sighs. “The ones whose fates are more or less decided,” he says.
“Erasures, mostly, but even if most of them are only going to enter the Game to
immediately be erased, they still need entry fees. Just in case.”
Neku glances at the summary on top. “What if I get it wrong?”
“I’ll tell you what I would do,” Joshua promises. “And if both of us are wrong
… well, it happens.”
“No pressure, huh,” Neku manages. Somebody’s life, distilled into a report for
the UG to read and process, and that’s – sick. Everything they’ve thought and
done, all condensed for bureaucracy.
Better than no evidence they were there at all, and Neku settles down to read
the first one.
And read.
And read.
By page ten, he starts flipping through to see how long it is, but – it doesn’t
end. Not for a long while.
“They cover the entire life and relevant history,” Joshua says eventually.
“Everything someone would need to know to understand that person. You likely
only want to read the first page summary.”
“Now you tell me,” Neku grumbles. It only feels and looks like a few pages, but
if that’s the case …. “Does anyone even look at the rest?”
“No one we know,” Joshua laughs. “These will all go to the Higher Plane
eventually; I’m sure there’s an angel somewhere assigned to read them.”
The Higher Plane, huh. “What do they do?”
“Analysis, administration – everything, really, though it’s all beyond my pay
grade.” Joshua shrugs, casually marking the packets up. “I’m sure Sanae knows
more, though he’s hardly likely to share. I don’t have clearance to interact
with other angels, much less you.”
Neku blanches. “I think I’ll pass.”
Right, got to focus on this assignment.
The first guy … he looks like a total loser, even if he is great at cosplay,
and Neku wonders why he’s one of the ones Joshua thinks might have a shot.
Egotistical, cowardly, self-centered, manipulative – he’s a complete fucking
asshole and Neku’s sure half his friend group didn’t miss him at all. And then
Neku sees his age and takes a deep breath. Yeah, this guy looks terrible – and
seriously needs to shut up about military history, damn – but he’s thirteen and
with a shitty racist rich family.
Well. No one said this’d be easy. “Maybe for the first one, take his status?
Then he can’t keep using it as a reason to be an asshole.”
“He’s dead,” Joshua replies. “He has no status.”
Touché. “His memories of his status, then.”
Joshua hums. “I’d lean more towards his family history. I’m sure he’d have
nearly as much hubris if he were no one of note.”
“Yeah, probably,” Neku concedes, sighing. “He seems like the type.” And now for
number two – fucking hell.
Who throws one of their friends out a window?! This brat, apparently. Shitty
mom sent her young daughter out to get money for her drug habit and damn is
that kid a piece of work. She’s smart and skilled, but she turns all of it to –
well, shoving her friends out windows and throwing acid in her best friend’s
face as revenge for them both blowing up a bomb. Fucking hell.
“Joshua, are you sure this girl was in the right pile?”
“Absolutely,” he replies, smirking.
“Can we just wipe her personality and start over?” he says desperately.
“Because unless you can convince her other people have feelings, I don’t see
how we’re supposed to fix this.”
Joshua chuckles. “Try thinking outside the box,” he suggests, and wow is that
helpful! Neku had been keeping all his thoughts inside the box; now he just
needs to open it and look out there, and there it’ll be! Thanks, asshole, and
now Joshua’s completely laughing at him. “Cheating is only cheating if you get
caught, Neku.”
Oh, and that helps. “You’re really an asshole, you know,” Neku replies
conversationally. “The only thing this girl actually values is her grandma’s
journal, and I don’t think taking that’s going to help make her a better
person.”
“No, probably not,” he concedes. “What do all Players get?”
“… Player pins?” But what does the Player pin have to do with it? It just …
allows Players to scan …. “You make the player pins, right?” Joshua nods. “Can
you make one that’s a bit … different?”
“Keep going, Neku. You’ve nearly got it.”
What she needs is some empathy, some ability to understand that actions?
Actions have consequences. “Make her one that has her feel people’s emotions,”
he decides. “Maybe even one that bypasses the player pin’s protections, or else
she’ll walk all over her partner, but the fusion pin might do enough for that.”
It certainly did for Neku, anyway: a lot harder to be a jerk to his partners
when he knows he needs to get along with them. “Then the main thing you’d have
to worry about is her swapping it for someone else’s once she realises hers is
bugged.”
“… which we can ban for that specific Game,” Joshua finishes. “Bravo, Neku.”
Neku exhales, long and drawn out. “And you do this all the time,” he sighs.
He’s sure Joshua specifically pulled that second one for him because it’d be
hard, but he’s equally sure she’s not the first case. Fucking hell.
“Among other things, yes,” Joshua says, taking the packets back and conjuring
some notes on them with a flourish of his hand, before vanishing the whole
collection. “I’d prefer to delegate entry fees to you eventually, though for
now, Yashiro has been delighting in handling the rough drafts.”
Neku nods slightly. That … he can’t say that sounds appealing, but Joshua’s
clearly in no rush to pile work onto him, and if he hates it later as much as
he does now, he can always re-delegate them. “Are you going to expect me to
watch them Play?” he says finally, because he’s – he’s not sure he can handle
that. “Not these people specifically, but ….”
Joshua looks up, startled. “No, not particularly. That sort of thing is best
left to the harriers and wall reapers, and you would likely be too biased,
besides. You can if you insist, but I hardly recommend it.”
But shouldn’t he know how they turn out, he thinks, and then shakes himself.
No, it’s not worth it; the answer’s likely to be ‘poorly’, but at least
he’ll’ve given them a fighting chance. “I don’t like this,” Neku says, and it’s
the understatement of the year.
“I’m glad,” Joshua replies, and that’s – that’s something, he guesses. “Neku,
even if they lose – their souls will be more refined than if they hadn’t played
at all. The effort won’t have been wasted, and perhaps their next incarnation
will have better luck.”
“Like Shades,” Neku mutters, looking around the room. Even if it’s the only
real place to work in Joshua’s pad, it’s creepy, hanging around in the room of
an extra dead guy. “Can we go somewhere else? I need air.”
“As you wish,” he says, and they leave the room exactly as they found it.
===============================================================================
“I don’t get why you keep it like that,” Neku tells him as soon as they’re back
in the lounge. Coco and Kariya cleared out sometime, leaving only a ton of
paperwork, and Neku’s a bit grateful. “What do you usually do with a reaper’s
things?”
“Donate them to charity,” Joshua says absently. “Their friends have first
claim, really, but after they’re through – off to charity it goes.”
“And you haven’t done that with Shades’s stuff because …?” Grief, Neku assumes,
but he wouldn’t have thought Joshua really felt bad about it until a while
later …. Too busy not thinking of everything else, maybe.
“Minamimoto was his only friend,” Joshua says shortly.
“Ah,” and – “ah.” That … that actually explains a lot. Even for Joshua, that’s
a bit much. Neku just hopes Pi Face didn’t take any of it personally. Well,
it’s Pi Face. What can you do? “Do you people … throw funerals, or something?”
“No.” Has he considered – “I suppose we could open a bottle in his honor, if
you wish.”
Yeah, because Neku is the one who knew the guy. “I still don’t know my alcohol
tolerance,” he warns. “Probably not the best time to find out, either.” Plenty
of time to get drunk after exams.
Joshua rolls his eyes, and Neku bristles. “Have a sip, then.” He strides over
to the bar and scans for something appropriate, settling on a small bottle of
pomegranate wine and levitating two glasses as he walks back to the table. The
first glass, he only pours a tiny amount, and the second one he fills. Neku
takes his cup, and they toast.
“To Megumi,” he says, “who was a good man, even if hardly anyone appreciated
him, and I’ll always remember his complete lack of irony.”
“To Kitaniji,” Neku says, and clink. The pomegranate wine tastes kind of like
pomegranates. Neku isn’t sure what he expected.
Neku watches him stand up, curious as to if he’s got a family shrine. He’d
never really thought about it, but Joshua briskly walks over to one of the
house plants and pours the rest of the bottle into it. As good an offering as
any, Neku supposes, and Joshua gazes down at it, something indescribable on his
face. “You know,” he says, “his headphones were his entry fee? They were his
working set; he especially liked them during meetings.”
“Meetings?” Neku echoes, and Joshua nods. Holy shit, now that’s not giving a
fuck about your job. “I got to say, I never wore mine in class.”
“The benefits of rank,” he murmurs, and he downs his glass, turning back to
Neku. “That’s that, I suppose,” he says, and he sounds – relieved. Like he’s
allowed to regret the whole thing, now, even if it’ll never be okay.
Closure, not forgiveness.
“So Neku,” Joshua says slowly, “is there a reason you’re here today?”
“I can’t wonder how you’re doing?” Neku replies, a bit snippy, though he
doesn’t really know, either. He just … wanted a break from schoolwork and his
schoolmates, he supposes, and whatever Joshua’s faults, he is that. Maybe not a
break from stress, but Neku’s other problems hardly ever are life-and-death. “I
just wanted to see you, I guess.”
“There’s a thought,” he says, dubious, but there’s not many other reasons he
could be here right now. What does Joshua really have to offer him that Neku
can’t get elsewhere, Neku thinks, and Joshua winces.
So there aren’t many reasons to lie about it. “I like you,” Neku states. “I
don’t really know how to convince you it’s true, but it’s well past the point
where I’d bother if I didn’t, isn’t it?”
“I can hardly argue about that,” Joshua says distantly, and he moves to lean on
Neku’s shoulder. “It still seems odd.”
Yeah, that kind of thing always is. “So it’s okay,” he stresses, gently nudging
Joshua’s head off his shoulder and onto his lap. Even if Joshua’s impossibly
light, the idea of weight on his arm’s uncomfortable, and this way, he can run
his fingers through Joshua’s soft hair. Joshua groans and pushes back, curling
up a little onto Neku as Neku sprawls out so he’ll fit, and it’s nice. “I like
your company.”
Joshua chuckles, wrapping an arm around Neku’s back, though Neku suspects
that’d be uncomfortable for long. But then, it’s Joshua, so his circulation
hardly matters. “I like you,” Joshua says truthfully. “Kouki thinks our
association may no longer be quite so conspicuous, if you wish to go
somewhere.”
Wait, really? “Would you want to go somewhere new? Like, not in Shibuya?” he
says, and Joshua tenses.
“Maybe one day,” he concedes, and he sounds so tired. “Leaving my district,
even if only for a little while – you don’t know what you’re asking of me,
Neku.”
Vulnerability, and change. Neku thinks he has a better idea than Joshua knows,
even if he does read minds. “Maybe one day,” Neku echoes, and he’s fine with
waiting, really. They’ve got time. “I’d be fine staying the afternoon in, if
that’s all right with you.”
Joshua tilts his head to gaze up at him, eyes half-lidded. “Anytime,” he says
lazily, nudging Neku’s hands with telekinesis to have him pat his back and
massage his scalp. Neku indulges him, and it’s sort of funny how Joshua’s
similarly demanding regardless of shape. “I’ll have you know I make a perfect
dog.”
“I’d give you a snappy comeback, but I think they about write themselves,
Josh,” Neku drawls, and Joshua snorts.
“The higher a monkey climbs, the more he shows his behind.”
Neku stares at him for a moment, then flips him off. “If you think I’m going to
listen to this doggerel, you’re barking,” he growls.
“Oh, Neku,” he sighs condescendingly, “I’m just monkeying around; you don’t
have to ape me. Even monkeys fall from trees, you know.”
Neku glares down at him a little longer, then stands up and panics momentarily
as Joshua falls off the couch, elbow first. That looked painful, but right:
it’s Joshua, and he’s fine, so Neku smirks at his wounded pride. “I’m gonna
take a shower,” he says, nudging Joshua with his foot to see if he’ll get up
instead of just sulking. (All signs point to no.) “While I’m out, remember: no
dogs on the couch.”
Joshua scowls and jerks up, fists clenched. “It’s my couch, you ingrate!” he
howls, and Neku laughs as he goes to clean himself off.
Sucker.
Chapter End Notes
     No prize to anyone who figures out who the nameless OCs are. >_>
     Guess who's fallen into Flight_Rising? Totally more important than
     working on this fic's sequel (in which Neku and Joshua go on a
     roadtrip and a good time is had by all, by which I mean 'it's all
     schadenfreude all the time') or doing last-minute revisions. Shhhh.
***** Chapter 12 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
There’s a dog on the couch when Neku gets back, of course, and Joshua’s
precisely large enough to barely fit on it as he lies on his back and wiggles,
feet up in the air. Joshua rolls onto his side once Neku’s seen him and perks
his head up. Took you long enough, he says, huffing a bark.
“Your fault for stocking my hair gel,” Neku replies, and he’s not sure if he’s
weirded out or touched. He’d never asked Joshua to do that, and he’d also never
told Joshua the brand, but … no reason he couldn’t have checked sometime while
Neku was still staying in Shibuya. “Thanks for that, by the way: I feel weird
with my hair down.”
A moment’s pause, then: It isn't a problem, he says, and Neku’s sure he’d been
worried if he’d overstepped. Eh, it’s a little creepy, but only a little, and
he waited long enough Neku doesn’t think he seems desperate for Neku to move in
with him or anything. Neku probably isn’t going to anytime soon, anyway.
“You aren’t hoping I’m going to, are you?” Neku checks, looking down at him and
deigning to rub his belly. Joshua moans and oh, hell: Neku hopes he's not doing
anything weird. Or, well, weirder than the situation is inherently.
You're at school for the next few years, aren't you? he replies rhetorically.
You're welcome whenever you like, of course, but I like my privacy and this
location is hardly convenient for you.
Well, it is in a sewer. “I can’t tell if you’re disappointed or not,” Neku
admits.
Not particularly, he says, shrugging. That you're willing to visit me on your
own accord is novel enough, I suppose.
“Oh, good,” Neku says, relieved. “I didn’t know if you were trying to imply
something.”
Joshua leans so Neku pets him more firmly, and thumps his tail against the
couch. That you belong here as much as you wish to, he says, and Neku smiles.
It’s good to be welcome, even if, uh, he’s welcome in the headquarters of a
group of dead people, and that should worry him more than it does. But even if
they’re all dead, none of them are bad, and Neku’s not offended to be counted
among them.
Joshua moves back slightly and statics back into the human teenager, and Neku’s
left with his hand floating in the vicinity of Joshua’s shirt before Joshua
imprints a suggestion to lie down next to him.
Neku instead merely sits so Joshua can curl around him, and Neku rests his hand
on Joshua’s neck. Joshua shudders, and Neku inhales sharply, remembering –
well, remembering some of the things Joshua’s into, but Joshua simply watches
him and smiles. “I’m just as content doing this, Neku,” he murmurs, and Neku
allows himself to relax.
“Good,” Neku manages, “because I’m – really not up for that, right now.”
Intentionally hurting people – Neku doesn’t ever want to become someone who can
do that lightly.
Joshua gently offers him a memory, and Neku accepts.
     A need to test both their limits; to show Neku in the strongest way
     he knew how that Joshua trusts him, or wants to trust him; to push
     Neku past where he’s sure Neku will reject him. Joshua was certain,
     so certain, that Neku’d either throw him out or hurt him, and that he
     didn’t ….
“It was enough that you did it the once, Neku,” Joshua murmurs, coiling around
him. “If you wish to repeat it – you need only ask. I shan’t ask you again.”
Neku ruffles his hair. “I can’t say I enjoyed the experience,” he admits, “but
it did mean I had to process some things, so – thank you for that, I guess.”
“The pleasure was all mine, I assure you,” and the sensation of Neku’s hands
around Joshua’s throat flashes through his mind for a moment. Just a moment,
and Neku knows it isn’t, was never real, but Joshua sighs so completely
satisfied that Neku forces himself to breathe. “I still have no intention of
hurting you, you know.”
“Yeah, I know,” Neku says softly, and Joshua bends his head forward and slides
Neku’s shirt up to lay a kiss on his hips. Neku moves his arm back around
Joshua’s head, protective in a warped sort of way. “I just sometimes wonder
what else you’re into,” he admits, and Joshua slides back to lean against
Neku’s elbow.
“Control,” he says simply. “Having it, fighting for it, giving it up of my own
will – that all matters more than the acts involved. If you wanted to tell me
what to do, that would be nice, I think.”
Neku jiggles the arm Joshua’s head’s resting on, and is amused by Joshua’s
scowl. “And you’d listen to that, I’m sure.”
Joshua pulls himself forward, and that’s more weight than Neku wanted on his
hand, even if it isn’t quite real. “As much as you would if the positions were
reversed,” he says, sliding off and through Neku’s arm to sit next to him, legs
on Neku’s lap. “I’m not interested in perfect obedience, on either side. Much
more fun with a touch of mystery, wouldn’t you agree?”
“Is that what last time was about?” Neku asks, sliding his hands under Joshua’s
back and thighs to move him onto Neku proper, though of course Joshua darts a
kiss onto Neku’s jaw and grinds his ass against Neku’s shorts. Neku grunts,
though he tries not to, and there’s no way Joshua didn’t catch that.
Joshua doesn’t repeat it, though, and he’s so light, just solid enough for Neku
to feel pressure at all. Like spooning a ghost. Exactly like, even. “I wanted
to make you feel good,” he says into Neku’s ear, and: “I wondered if you would
let me.”
“I had a good time,” he says, or tries to, but what comes out is: “I had –
aaah! Fuck, warn me before sticking your tongue in my ear!” which the bastard
doesn’t even stop doing, even though it’s cold and wet and – actually, Neku
kind of likes him nibbling on the shell there, but wet tongue in his ear is
still one of the worst sensations in the world.
Worse than being shot? Joshua says, but at least then Neku doesn’t get up
afterwards! Joshua snorts, and it tickles against Neku’s scalp as he keeps
sucking on his ear and slowly moving down to his neck.
“You left a hickey last time,” Neku grumbles, and Joshua pauses for a moment,
then redoubles his efforts.
Nothing visible, he promises, but if you don't want to sound like Shibuya,
you'd best not come here at all.
Neku moans as Joshua teases at a particularly sensitive spot, and Joshua grinds
down again. “Hey, hey, I go outside, you know!” Neku squeaks, but Joshua just
laughs.
Neku, dear, I meant that literally. Anything I did after you worked in my
studio or had Shibuya unlock my door is simply icing on the cake; the only way
someone'll hear if we're fucking is if they pay attention to me.
“So you didn’t …,” he manages, and Joshua mercifully pulls away. Neku tries not
to squirm, uncomfortably aware of his own arousal, but Joshua seems only the
usual level of smug.
“I sound like Shibuya,” Joshua purrs, “and you sound like Shibuya, and though I
may burn off traces of other districts – it’s all Shibuya, in the end, and no
one should bat an eye at that. But a skillful reaper might hear where I sound
of you, and really, Neku: you should be more careful about that sort of thing!
How can I face anyone with a hickey.”
Neku rolls his eyes. “Your point is made,” he concedes. “Now get back to work.”
Joshua gleefully resumes sucking on his collarbone, and Neku sighs in
contentment. Where do you want me, my dear conductor? he says, sliding his butt
against Neku’s erection, and it was really too much to hope he didn’t notice.
I'm clairvoyant, Neku: of course I knew.
Yeah, but he didn’t have to admit it, and Neku’s thrown too off-base to
properly think about the question. Joshua indulgingly tosses him a few images,
tempered with his own commentary, and that guy is way too gleeful about giving
blowjobs. Neku likes going down on people too, and Beat certainly appreciates
it – he cuts off the thought before it can get too painful, and Joshua rests
his forehead against Neku’s own.
“Neku,” he says, serious, “you have a way of bringing out the best in some of
the most unlikely people. Daisukenojo may forgive you, or he may not, but rest
assured: I will stand by you for as long as you’ll have me.”
“Thanks, Josh,” he murmurs. “That means a lot to me,” and he pulls him in for a
kiss, trying not to think of who else Joshua would stand by. Hanekoma, too, is
out of his control, and Neku doesn’t want to pull Joshua between the two of
them until he has to.
And Joshua’s gentle and sad this time, letting Neku take the lead, and Neku
eases his mouth open as he tries to run his hands up Joshua’s shirt. Joshua
obligingly turns, resting his knees to Neku’s sides as he brackets Neku’s head
with his hands. I love you, Neku, he says, for whatever that may be worth.
The love of a city-god; the love of his former murderer. It isn’t worth that
much, but – Joshua the person, that might go somewhere. Maybe. If they work at
it.
They're all the same, Neku, Joshua says. It's all just me. And even so, Neku
thinks that’s not quite right. Different facets of the same person, but Neku
suspects Joshua hardly used to show the last one, and if you change one, you
change the whole.
None of them are the same people anymore, and even if Neku thinks that’s a good
thing, his face is wet and Joshua pulls his head back to rest it on Neku’s
shoulder. “Oh, Neku,” Joshua says, and it’s not mocking, not mocking at all.
“I just wanted everything to work out,” Neku manages, and Joshua pulls him into
a hug as he shakes. “I just – there should be a way to get everything to work
out, if only I could find it –”
“There isn’t,” Joshua says shortly. “There never is.”
But Neku wants there to be. He won’t say that, though. There’s no point, and
all they can do is try. Joshua holds him as he cries, and even if he’s cold and
stiff and all made of angles, Neku’s glad he’s there and not a dog. Joshua
jumps a little as Neku thinks that, but it’s not like hugging the dog is bad,
per se. He just … wants some human contact, sometimes.
Joshua conjures a damp washcloth and dabs it at Neku’s face, then gives him a
tissue to blow his nose in. Neku smiles at him weakly, and Joshua looks so
relieved that Neku bursts into tears all over again. “It’s okay,” Neku manages,
laughing a little. “It’s just – your face –”
“What about my face?” Joshua sulks, brow furrowing into a pout. Neku laughs
again.
“Nothing, nothing,” Neku says, and: “You’re just not very good at not looking
like an asshole, that’s all.”
Joshua’s face screws up at that, not sure if he’s offended, but eventually he
settles on scowling. “There’s a reason for that,” he says, and Neku snickers.
“You said it, not me,” he replies, and Joshua backs up enough to rest his head
under Neku’s chin. Neku sets his hands on Joshua’s back and rubs at his
shoulder blades, absently wondering where his wings go the rest of the time.
Joshua pulls back slightly and nudges Neku’s hands lower, down to his waist.
“They’re at my natural frequency,” he murmurs, “but it’s – disorienting, to
have you trying to butt up near them.”
“Like walking through people in the RG,” Neku guesses, and Joshua nods
slightly. “It’s like that all the time for you, isn’t it,” he adds, and he
wonders – not for the first time – what Joshua really looks like.
Joshua hums neutrally. “Sanae senses me properly,” is all he says, and Neku
just thinks: fucking Hanekoma. There’s no point getting jealous over him, but
Neku is anyway, and he hears/feels Joshua’s defensive flash of protective
anger. Neku doesn’t plan on getting between them, honestly he doesn’t, but he
just – wishes Hanekoma was anyone else.
Joshua mentally backs away from him, an undertone to Neku’s senses he can only
identify by its absence, and Neku sighs. “Sometimes people need to complain in
their thoughts, Josh,” Neku says. “It doesn’t mean they’re going to do anything
about it.”
“I’m the composer; I’m well aware,” he snaps back. “I still don’t like it when
it’s about someone I care about.” Joshua hunches up, then slides off Neku. Neku
lifts a hand, thinking of pulling him back, but Joshua simply settles back down
on Neku, his back to Neku’s chest this time, and Neku sighs in relief.
“Finally, I have a conductor who knows of my producer,” Joshua mutters, “and
they can hardly stand one another.”
That’s probably because Mr H is an asshole, Neku thinks, but he can’t put
Joshua in that position right now. Not while Neku has a rift with his own
friends and they can keep from pushing it a while longer. “I’m glad you’re
talking to your reapers now,” he says instead, and it’s true. It’s just not the
whole truth.
“They’re fond of me,” he replies, and he sounds so mystified. “I’m never going
to be one of those composers who spend all their time down here, mind you.”
“There are composers who do that?” Neku repeats, and he hadn’t thought ….
Joshua shrugs. “Not many, I don’t think – it’s not safe, for anyone, and it’s
hardly efficient – but I met one who keeps his shop sigiled and all his reapers
know who he is. His UG was very … peaceful.” He sounds wistful, and Neku kisses
his neck, then moves onto sucking on it as Joshua moans in contentment.
Joshua’s mind settles back into its usual place at the edge of Neku’s awareness
as he does so, which is a good thing: Neku’s mouth’s a bit occupied.
Neku brushes his teeth against Joshua’s skin, and Joshua squirms. “You can bite
me,” he murmurs, voice a bit husky. (Heh, husky.) “I – like pain, so long as
you …” and he trails off, projecting his meaning rather than try to force it
into words. So long as it’s personal; so long as Neku stays with him; so long
as Neku pets him and tells him he’s done a good job, and Joshua reinforces it
with the word aftercare. Neku might look it up later, but for now he’s just
concerned with Joshua, and Joshua wants him to –
“Get off me,” Neku says instead, and at Joshua’s surprise: “You wanted me to
tell you what to do earlier, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but …” Joshua starts, then he leaps off Neku’s lap and stands up, gazing
down at him. “And what do you want from me, conductor?” he says instead, smile
sly. If Neku’d seen it a while ago, he’d’ve wanted to introduce it to a fist,
but now – now it still wants a fist, really, in more ways than one, but Neku
won’t indulge him.
Neku’s not sure what he’ll indulge him with, but he can probably wing it just
fine. “Take your shirt off,” he says, and Joshua lights up as he eagerly undoes
his buttons, not really trying for a show but somehow ending up sexier than if
he had. Neku watches him, trying to seem dispassionate, but he can’t quite keep
the smirk off his face and he’s not sure there’s much point in trying. “What do
you think I should know first?”
“I don’t want you to go down on me,” Joshua says immediately, and he reaches
behind him to conjure a bag, which he sets on the table in front of Neku.
“These are for you; they respond to music and intent, and should be finely
tuned enough that you can control them by yourself.”
Neku glances in the bag, though he already suspects, and – yeah, his face heats
up. It’s a set of sex toys, reasonably thorough, and the bases all have a
design etched into them that reminds him a little of Reaper Creeper. “Did you
make these yourself?”
“They’re an open secret throughout the UG,” he says instead, and that isn’t an
answer.
Neku kind of wants one, right now, and Joshua did want him to be in charge. “I
asked you a question,” Neku says, testing, and Joshua’s eyes glint.
“So you did,” he says, and Neku glares at him. “What answer were you looking
for, my dear Neku?” he lilts. “Were you hoping I spent time crafting them
myself, perhaps? Or is it –” Neku gives him a withering glance, and Joshua
trails off. “I bought them, if you must know. There’s a composer not too far
from here who does them on mail order.”
Neku looks in the bag again and taps his foot, willing the set of anal beads to
move, and they do. That’s kind of neat, but also not at all what he’d been
thinking about, so he closes the bag and sets it aside. Maybe some other time.
“Why don’t you,” Neku starts, and stops, not quite sure what he wants, then
finishes: “get me some coffee.”
Joshua perks up and then crosses his arms in a huff. “Why should I?” he says,
and Neku grins broadly.
“I guess you don’t really want me to tell you what to do, do you?” Neku says,
and Joshua stares him down with all of his standing height. Even with that,
he’s not that impressive, and Neku just smiles. “I guess I won’t really ask you
to get me off after all,” he adds, and Joshua crumples, defeated.
“And what kind of coffee does your delicate ego require, Neku?” Joshua sulks.
Is he actually going to do it? This is incredible.
Neku pretends to think about it. “I heard a Starbucks opened up recently,” he
says, and Joshua winces. “I’m joking; do you have a coffee maker?”
Joshua sticks his tongue out at him, then hops to. After a few minutes – Neku
suspects he cheated some of it, because of course he did – Joshua comes back
with two cups of coffee. Neku sips his and makes a face: “You put way too much
sugar in it.”
“Your fault for not specifying,” Joshua replies brightly, but it is still
pretty drinkable. “You know, you’re lucky I didn’t throw you out for trying
that.”
“My mind went blank,” Neku says honestly, sipping his coffee-flavored sugar
tar. Or possibly slurping it. Neku attempts to make this look sexy, but it was
doomed from the start. Neku … Neku dramatically laps the sugar tar, and Joshua
at least looks amused, so that’s something. “I’m kind of thinking we should try
that some other time.”
Joshua’s shoulders fall, a bit disappointed, but not very. “If you’re not into
it, you’re not into it,” he says with a sigh, shrugging.
“I kind of like the idea,” Neku corrects. “I’m just not feeling it right now.”
He glances down at his coffee-ish beverage, then sticks his finger in it and
licks the sugar off. It’s kind of cavities-in-a-cup, but in a nice way. “So why
don’t you get up here and take my shirt off, too,” he says, and Joshua rolls
his eyes before pouncing on top of him.
Neku grunts at the expectation-of-weight, even though Joshua’s just as ghost-
light as ever, and Joshua slides his fingers under the hem of Neku’s shirt to
ease it up. Neku watches, completely fascinated: Joshua doesn’t seem to grasp
how getting the sleeves off his arms and above his head is supposed to work,
and instead pushes his face close to Neku’s to try to block his vision. Yes,
you may, Neku thinks, pulling him down to kiss him, and he’s tangentially aware
of Joshua convincing the shirt to go through them both rather than ask Neku to
cooperate.
“Actually,” Neku pulls back to say, changing his mind again, and he can hear
Joshua groan in frustration, “I do know what I want from you.”
“Yes?” he says, intent.
Neku glances down to where Joshua’s crouched over him again. “I want you to get
us both off,” he says, trying to offer Joshua the image, “and then we’re going
to get a nice dinner out, and you’re going to pay for it.”
Joshua lifts it from Neku’s mind, then beams. “Deal,” he says, sliding Neku’s
pants down just enough to get his cock out, and Neku tries not to jump at his
cold hands. It’s just what Joshua’s like, and even if it’s a bit uncomfortable,
Neku’s getting used to it and he warms up quickly enough. Joshua rubs at the
foreskin, not so much aroused as just curious, and Neku shivers.
“Wouldn’t have thought you’d go along with it that easily,” Neku says, because
he’s never seen a battle he’d win gracefully.
“If I’m paying, I’m picking where we’re eating,” he replies, and that’s –
that’s fair. Joshua slides his own equipment out, and next to Neku’s, it looks
– dainty.
How a cock can be dainty, Neku isn’t sure, but that’s definitely the word for
it, and Neku’s left with the horrifying mental image of Joshua either spending
a lot of time grooming or Joshua freaking cheating it and – he does. He totally
does, doesn’t he.
“I don’t know why you’re surprised,” Joshua mutters, “or how it took you this
long to notice I’m exactly as sexy as I want to be.”
“Everything makes sense now,” Neku says distantly, trying to keep a straight
face. Of course he does. He raises the dead; he can totally manage impeccably
luscious pubic hair. This guy. “You’re my unrealistic standard for beauty,” he
adds, and Joshua grins.
“I’m afraid no one else will ever match up,” he says sadly, resettling himself
above Neku. “Your entire sex life, forever being compared to one perfect and
magnanimous composer.”
Neku is reasonably sure neither of those words actually describe Joshua worth a
damn, but arguing is for some time Joshua’s short-but-definitely-there nails
aren’t resting on somewhere sensitive, just firmly enough that Neku is
extremely aware of them. Maybe that’s why Joshua hates receiving oral: it’s a
lot harder to be a brat if you need to worry about someone biting you somewhere
really unfortunate in revenge, and Joshua can even recover from it.
“That’s plausible,” Joshua says, doing something Neku can’t see that kind of
tickles. “You’re wrong, but that’s plausible.”
“Josh, what are you even doing?” Neku says, pushing him out of the way, and:
“For the love of God –”
“Yes, that’s me,” Joshua chirps, and Neku shoves him off. When did he even take
out a marker to draw faces on their dicks?! A smiley face for Joshua, and a
scowl for Neku, and he’d even tried to get their hair styles to be right.
That is so not right, and he’s trying to be pissed but he just can’t manage it.
“Why are you always so weird?” he blurts out.
“It’s art,” Joshua explains, climbing back onto him, and Neku pulls him down so
his face bangs into Neku’s chest. Joshua squawks in dismay, then licks Neku’s
nipple as revenge, which augh, cold. Neku lets him back up, but Joshua looks so
proud of himself that Neku just has to shake his head.
“You’re impossible,” Neku states, but Joshua just grabs both their dicks to
mash the faces together. Neku tries really hard not to grin.
Joshua looks down and sighs. “Next time, I should make them little outfits.”
“This idea is half-cocked.”
“Give the heads little hats,” Joshua adds, ignoring him.
“You could do a puppet show.”
“We should make finger puppets,” Joshua says, and for a moment, Neku’s not sure
if he’s earnest at all.
What is he thinking about; of course Joshua is. Joshua is usually earnest; he
just pretends he isn’t. “I can’t say that’s a bad idea, but maybe you should do
that sometime you’re not going to have sex with me,” Neku suggests, and Joshua
actually looks sheepish.
“Of course, Neku,” he says, booping their dicks together one last time before
gently but firmly grasping them both in one hand. Neku is nearly certain he’d
even made a sound effect for it.
Joshua’s so much gentler and slower with them both than Neku ever is with
himself, but Joshua also hasn’t had to share space with anyone in a long time,
and he shows it, too. He’s so fucking loud, like Neku could ever forget he’s
there otherwise, and Neku kisses his forehead.
Joshua jerks up and smiles at him, a bit shy, before returning his attention to
what he’s doing, and Neku brushes Joshua’s hair out of his eyes before grasping
his thighs to pull him closer. Despite his lack of weight, he’s strangely
immobile, and Neku moves one hand up to his waist while sliding the other down
Joshua’s waistband to squeeze his ass. Joshua pushes forward, startled, and
loses his balance, flopping onto Neku completely, thumb still running over
their cocks.
“Hello, Neku,” he says, ever friendly as he grinds on Neku. “Nice day, isn’t
it?”
“Yeah, it is,” Neku replies honestly, casually exploring Joshua’s buttock and
letting his fingers linger at his asshole. “You still have work to do, though,”
he adds, and Joshua smiles at him.
“I suppose I have to do a good job, then,” he says, pumping them with his hand
as he presses down on Neku. Neku tries to arch up, but there’s not really
anywhere to go, and the added pressure makes it hard to breathe. Joshua just
watches him, and even if he’s flushed and breathing heavily (unnecessarily), he
still only looks as amused as he always does, even as Neku’s straining for
release. Cheater, Neku thinks, even as Joshua’s very vocally into it, and Neku
cups Joshua’s balls as Joshua pushes down to kiss him, Neku coming first as
that pervasive sense of Joshua picks it up and magnifies it, sharing in it as
he hits Neku with an imprint and flops down bonelessly on him.
No words, just Joshua’s sense of Neku, this sad angry teenager who managed to
pull Joshua out of his shell, and Neku kind of wants to cry. It’s maybe not
appropriate, but Joshua trusts him so much, has put so much weight on him, and
it’s – overwhelming, really. Neku’s just one person; he can’t be everything.
But Neku strokes Joshua’s hair as Joshua snuggles with him, and Joshua sends
another imprint, with the intricacies that’d gone over his head. Joshua doesn’t
really expect him to, anymore; maybe that was what he wanted, to be able to
define his world around Neku, but it’s bigger now. Maybe not much bigger, maybe
still smaller than Neku can handle and still likely to go crashing down, but
still: it’s bigger, and growing bigger still.
I love you, Neku, Joshua says, lightly teasing Neku’s neck with his teeth as he
presses against him, and maybe Neku doesn’t feel the way Joshua does and maybe
he never will, but he still smiles and pulls him close and says:
“I know, Josh. I know.”
Chapter End Notes
     I don't know how to classify this NSFW. That is definitely some nsfw.
***** Chapter 13 *****
Chapter Notes
     Warnings for altered mental states and Hanekomas! Also wow this
     chapter was 10k before I split it just now, damn. Looks like you get
     a triple update today! Happy Thanksgiving! A cat is helping me type
     this note!
Neku’s the one who wants to move first, of course: he’s sweaty and gross. He
stretches out and displaces Joshua enough that Joshua looks down at the come
sticking to Neku’s chest and scowls.
“That’s disgusting,” Joshua says, and even if it’s really Joshua’s fault it’s
there at all, Neku can’t really argue with that. “Humans are disgusting,” he
adds, and that’s not fair.
“I’m gonna take a shower,” Neku says, and tries to get up. Keyword: tries, as
even with Joshua murmuring imprecations about bodily fluids, Joshua doesn’t
actually want to let go of him enough to fix the problem. If it bothers him so
much, he could lick it off or something; Neku knows Joshua’s got a bit of an
oral fixation, but Joshua just glares at him in disgust instead. “Josh, move.”
“You’re comfortable,” Joshua grumbles, but Neku nudges him with his elbow and
Joshua slides off, mock-offended. “It’s not my fault your body is disgusting,”
he adds, and Neku rolls his eyes.
“Actually, if you think about it, it is,” he snaps back, picking up his
crumpled shirt.
Joshua sticks his tongue out as Neku goes. “See if I ever revive you again!” he
calls, but Neku just laughs.
Neku’s even cheery enough that the fish don’t creep him out as he goes to clean
off, which is nice. It’s still weird, but that’s just what Joshua’s place is
like, and he waves at a particularly interested-looking fish before hopping
into the shower. The hot water and quiet room’s nice enough that he takes the
liberty to sing a bit as he relaxes, and the acoustics are actually
surprisingly solid.
Well. It is Joshua. If he doesn’t want his shower to echo, then by god is it
not going to echo. The only problem’s that he’s uncomfortably certain Joshua
knows about it, but as soon as he thinks that, Joshua projects contentment at
him. Neku can sing in Joshua’s shower all he wants and that’s just fine.
Joshua’s sprawled over the couch when Neku gets back out, and he’s as
irritatingly flawless as ever.
“Hey,” Neku says, a little awkwardly, but Joshua just beams at him and it’s
okay, really. It’ll be okay.
“Def Märch has a show today,” Joshua says, trying to be casual, but his hands
are tight and Neku hears Shibuya coiling around him. “Would you like to go?”
Neku doesn’t have a ticket, but he shakes himself: he probably doesn’t need
one. Hell, he’s going to be their boss, or at least supervisor, and he’s yet to
meet a reaper who doesn’t like stockpiling favors. “You’ll be going, right?”
Neku replies, and Joshua pauses. Neku thinks he’d like to, but being the
composer …. “I figure it’ll still be in Shibuya?”
“It’s at A-East,” he confirms, but he’s still thinking about it. Joshua …
really doesn’t get out much, does he, and Neku is so glad once again that he
couldn’t shoot, all that time ago. “I’d like to,” he says, but Neku can hear a
‘but’ coming.
“Let’s get dinner, and if you decide you just want to watch it from afar, that
works, too.” Nicer if Joshua’s actually there with him, but taking him to a
show by a reaper band … yeah, maybe not the best idea.
“I’d like that,” Joshua replies, relieved, and Neku smiles at him. They can
work this out.
Neku turns to get ready to go, figuring he’ll leave the bag of – haha, goodies,
even if Neku has no clue which of those he’d want, if any, and Joshua stretches
out and swaps out his outfit. It’s a bit painful to watch him do it straight
on, his brain trying to reject this altered reality, but out of the corner of
his eyes is fine, and Joshua winks at him once he’s dressed more appropriately.
Tigre Punks, a short skirt over black ripped pants with some extraneous chains
near the waist, and a leather jacket over a partly unbuttoned shirt that
resembles his standard, and Joshua swipes his hair back.
“I can’t believe I’m the one of us who looks respectable,” Neku says, and
Joshua laughs. It’s true, though: they look like a pair of delinquents going
about town instead of actually studying, and Neku’s okay with this.
“Shall we go?”
“Let’s.”
===============================================================================
The moment they’re above ground, Neku’s kind of amazed at how much Joshua’s
mannerisms change. The honest amusement makes way for a sly smirk, and Neku
can’t even spot the actual difference. It’s just this massive shift from
enjoying Neku’s company to not giving the slightest fuck about anything;
nothing can hurt Joshua and there’s no point in trying.
He’d known Joshua had a mask up all the time, but maybe seeing him with it down
for a while let him think it was gone. Neku doesn’t need his headphones all the
time anymore; why does Joshua still need his biting apathy? Who’s he trying to
fend off?
Joshua quirks an eyebrow at him and Neku flushes. No clue how much of that he
was listening to, but Neku’s not going to find out either way.
Joshua takes the lead as they walk, and Neku relaxes a little, even as he keeps
straying just a bit too close and Neku hears a faint hum, like it takes active
effort for Josh to remain RG. This really isn’t where he belongs, is it, and
he’s … he’s down here because Neku wants him to be, at the end of the day, but
just because he wants to be with Neku doesn’t mean he likes it.
Neku brushes his hand against Joshua’s elbow when they stop to wait for the
light, and that – that helps, or seems to. Certainly Neku feels calmer, and
Joshua’s slight projection of stay away from me shuts off as he snaps back down
to firmly match Neku in the RG. Still flighty, but … better.
So strange, all these things he catches from their recent link, but he already
doesn’t know how he got by without it. They both stop for a moment to watch a
reaper on their rounds – end of day six means no more Players to erase this pay
period, so the Noise is theirs to clear – before Joshua pulls him off to
Dogenzaka.
Ramen Don. Of course they’re going to Ramen Don; Joshua’s kind of a cheapskate,
isn’t he. Neku tries to work up an appropriate amount of ire, but honestly he
can’t blame Joshua for this choice: Ramen Don is fucking delicious.
Joshua doesn’t send him a damn right, but it’s a near thing.
Ken Doi’s as happy to see them as ever, and Neku can nearly relax as they claim
a seat near the back. “What’ll it be for you kids today?” Mr Doi says, a
twinkle in his eyes, and Neku barges in before Joshua can volunteer them for
something.
“The usual, sir,” Neku says politely. “Shoyu for me, and shio for this guy.”
“I’m sorry I couldn’t try your experiment last time,” Joshua adds. “I’m sure it
was delicious.”
“It’ll be out in a minute,” he says kindly, “and don’t worry about it, Joshua:
I saw what kind of mood you were in. Doing better today, though?”
Neku glances at him, a bit curious, but Joshua just smiles. “I have been so
far,” Joshua replies. “And you?”
“Can’t complain. My little protégé’s cleaning up around back, but I’d like to
introduce you two, if that’s all right.”
Joshua’s smile goes the slightest bit more frozen, but Neku grins. “We’d love
to,” Neku says, and Ken Doi nods and heads off to get their food.
“You do know who also works here, don’t you,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku shakes
his head. Should he? “I suppose you’ll see soon enough.”
Well, that was foreboding, but ramen was Joshua’s idea, so it can’t be too
dangerous, Neku figures. What he’s really wondering about’s the last time
Joshua was here. He’s glad Joshua still buys food from this particular nice old
man, but ….
Oh. Right. “This where you met Kariya?” he asks, and Joshua nods slightly. That
about makes sense then; Neku’s run into him here himself, and on better
occasions. Kariya’s pretty decent as reapers go, but still not someone Neku’d
like to run into by surprise.
Not nearly as bad as – “Aw, do I half tau?” Oh, fuck. Neku cannot possibly be
hearing this right.
“These kids saved my shop!” Ken Doi says proudly, and – yeah, that’s fucking Pi
Face in an apron and gloves. How the hell is he even allowed in a restaurant?
Aren’t there food safety laws?
Joshua leans in close to Neku, coincidentally hiding his face. “Mr Doi makes
him wash thoroughly before he’s allowed in the kitchen,” he murmurs, and that
makes Neku feel better.
For about half a second, before he realises he’s stuck in a restaurant with a
homicidal reaper. Neku’s about 80% sure Pi Face won’t try to seriously harm
him, but Joshua … Joshua is another story. “You couldn’t have warned me?” Neku
hisses, his goodwill evaporating rapidly.
“He can’t do anything inside the shop,” Joshua explains, “even if he does end
up recognising me, which he shouldn’t.”
Oh, good, Neku thinks, before realising: “Why are we whispering?” Joshua is
telepathic.
But it’s too late. It’s too late. “Hiya,” Pi Face says as he expertly sets
their dinner down on the table. “Here’s your parabowlas! Pops says you helped
him out of a tight spot?”
That pun was so bad, it kind of … no, it’s still bad. Neku squints at him.
“Yes?” he hazards.
Pi Face stares at them, then slams his hands down on the table. Joshua catches
both bowls before they can spill, though. “Hey!” Pi Face yells, and the rest of
the store turns to see the commotion. Neku slinks into his seat. “Since when do
your lines intersect with Pops?!”
Oh god. “Since … a while?” Neku says, but Joshua just has to butt his head in.
He has to be aware that Pi Face wants his job. There’s no way. There’s just no
way.
“Oh, I’ve been a fan of the father of Tin Pin for a long while,” Joshua says
helpfully, and Neku just stares. What? “I’d be happy to challenge you at the
slam tables, if you’d like.”
Pi Face waves his arms around dramatically; Neku lifts his bowl of ramen off
the table in case he trips. “You!” he yells, and Neku winces. “I like your
style.”
“I’ve always prided myself on how my form meets function,” Joshua adds, and
Neku groans, hiding his face in his noodles. Please no.
“Slam on,” Pi Face growls, but Ken Doi raps him on the shoulder.
“You’ve still got work to do, Junior!” he says heartily, and then turns to
Joshua and Neku. “Eat well, kids; you can always play an old man’s game some
other time, eh?”
Neku … Neku doesn’t know what to do with any of this, but at least the food’s
good and it doesn’t seem like there’s going to be a fight. Joshua and Pi Face
end up agreeing to duel at Stride ‘where t = 1 week’, which, seriously, what
the fuck even, but no bullets were involved, so that’s good. Neku honestly has
no idea how much of who they are even sunk into Pi Face’s head, but what else
is new?
Eventually, they finish eating, and Joshua settles their tab with some weird
barter approximation of payment, which … probably isn’t how these things should
work, but it’s Joshua, and everyone seems happy. Even Minamimoto, and he just
ends up waving to them and telling them all about they’d better exponent the
power of his new pin deck, because he’s worked hard on it.
“I still don’t get why we were whispering,” Neku confesses.
===============================================================================
The concert is – wow, fucking incredible. Neku and Joshua end up just sneaking
in by hopping into the UG and back down, but any vestiges of guilt from doing
so vanish the moment 777 sees them and waves at them, specifically. It’s neat
to be friends with the band, sometimes, and the concert’s right before exams so
most of their usual audience is too busy studying. Probably why Joshua
suggested it, really: they’re not taking any seats people’d’ve actually used,
and Neku buys some merch, just in case.
Neku’s phone buzzes, though he’s sure he’d turned it off, and he checks it to
see: We got a favor to ask of you and the boss. No rush; can't be done this
season anyway. Just keep it in mind, yeah? -- 777
OK, Neku types back, then shows the message to Joshua. Joshua shrugs; if he
knows, he isn’t sharing, and it really probably isn’t anything pressing.
God, Neku’s first official text as Shibuya’s Conductor, and it was two fucking
letters. His face burns, but Joshua grabs his shoulder and the band starts and
–
– he knows intellectually that the kind of stuff Def Märch does totally isn’t
his style; it’s the sort of weird experimental shit that he kind of ends up
laughing at sometimes, when he’s alone, and they’re still using that goddamn
megaphone as a prop, even if they’ve gone back to singing properly and 777 can
actually do some amazing things with a guitar –
– but it doesn’t matter; there’s just him and the music and the energy of the
crowd and everyone there wants to be there. They all want to be there and they
all want to just be able to forget for a few short hours their worries and
their responsibilities and that’s what music does, that’s what the band is here
for, just to have a good time and relax and have some reason to see other
people –
– but there’s something missing here, something important, and Joshua presses
up to Neku and invites him to dance and he’s almost got it. Almost, but not
quite, and maybe neither of them know the same dances, but they move and
Joshua’s a vortex, a funnel cloud for all the stress and anxiety they’re
concentrating, and Neku’s the only point Joshua can touch down without
destroying everything. And that’s terrifying, and Neku knows there’s some
reason Joshua shouldn’t be here –
– but it doesn’t matter, nothing as complex as that matters, and all Neku needs
to do is keep Joshua from touching anyone else. Neku can channel it, he knows
he can, and the reaper band can divert it in their own way, but Joshua’s the
gravity well and he’s out of place. He’s out of place, but that’s okay. It’ll
be fine.
“I got you,” Neku says, imprints, thinks, and he pulls Joshua back down to the
RG, tethers Joshua to the reapers, and waits for the storm to pass.
There’s no way they don’t know; there’s no way the whole district doesn’t know,
but Def Märch just keeps on playing and doing their part to keep the music
going. Joshua might not be safe here or anywhere, but Neku’s got him, and
Neku’s not going to leave him to fly alone.
So maybe Neku’s never been the biggest fan of their sound. It doesn’t matter;
BJ and Tenho are in top form and it’s beautiful, in its own way: all these
people coming together for a gig and Joshua’s doing what a composer should,
taking all these disparate pieces and making something new, but they don’t –
they don’t ever work up close, and Neku’s starting to see why.
“You’re beautiful,” Joshua says, once they stop playing and the setlist is
finally done and they can all start returning to solid ground. “Neku, how did –
everyone is so beautiful,” he says, and it’s like it’s never occurred to him
before.
“Yeah,” Neku says, trying to pull him along. They need to get out of here. They
probably saw that display in Hokkaido.
“You’re wonderful,” Joshua adds, and he might be following where he’s led, but
Neku needs to grab his sleeve every few seconds to keep him from wandering off.
“This is wonderful, Neku.”
“It really was,” Neku says, “but we need to go.”
Joshua digs his heels in and Neku nearly trips. “The world is wonderful,” he
states, and: “Neku, we need to tell everyone. Neku, do you – do you think Sanae
knows, that the world is wonderful? Has he told people?”
“I think that’s his entire career,” Neku snaps, turning back to bodily lift
Joshua up and carry him on his back. Blessedly, Joshua deigns to put his arms
over Neku’s shoulders so Neku can carry him piggy-back. Cursedly, Joshua also
deigns to nuzzle Neku’s neck, and Neku seriously does not need this right now.
He needs to get Joshua home and he needs to get him home now.
“Neku, I’m already home,” Joshua says plaintively. “The world is home, and it’s
wonderful, Neku, you really – feel how wonderful it is, Neku, feel how happy
everyone could be, if they worked together,” and it’s only Neku’s determination
that keeps that imprint from leaving him exactly as blissed out and incompetent
as Joshua himself. It can’t stick without something to stick to, but even then,
Neku loses himself for a few seconds in Joshua’s universal goodwill.
This guy is so, so dangerous, and he doesn’t even have to want to be. Neku
needs to get him home now, and Neku nearly cries with relief when Hanekoma
meets him near 104. Not that Neku’d called him, but, well –
“What the hell did you let him do!?” Hanekoma roars, and Joshua just waves as
Hanekoma wraps his power around the three of them and transports them back to
the lounge.
“Hello, Sanae,” Joshua says as Neku lets him slide off and onto a couch. It
takes him a few tries to sit up, but he manages it eventually. “I went to a
concert, and it was wonderful. Neku is wonderful.”
Neku finally lets himself actually breathe. They’re safe. Ish. “I don’t know,”
he blurts out. “He suggested I go with him, and then it started and he was like
this.”
Hanekoma looks between the two of them, and Neku’s uncomfortably certain he’s
scanning one or both of them, only he can’t do anything about it, but
eventually he sighs and nods. “Not your fault, Phones,” he says, though Neku
suspects he wishes it were otherwise. “The boss should’ve known that a
restaurant’s one thing, but a concert – well, you see.”
“It was wonderful,” Joshua says, but Neku tries to shush him.
“See what?”
“Creativity and imagination,” he says flatly, and at Neku’s blank look:
“They’re what fuel all reapers, but with that many people ….”
He got high, Neku concludes, and Joshua hits him with an imprint that’s strong
and subtle enough that Neku’s sitting next to him without him really thinking
of doing so. Well, okay, Neku thinks, but then Joshua’s pulling him close and
telling him how wonderful he is, and, uh – well, not really much Neku can do
about it. “It was a small gig,” Neku says, in Joshua’s defense. “He didn’t tell
me this would happen.”
“He probably didn’t know,” Hanekoma concedes. “He’s never been out much, and
he’s a lot older than composers usually get, so he got hit hard. You take care
of him, all right?”
“Yeah, I will,” Neku says, and: “Hey, Mr H?”
“Yeah?”
No good way to put this. “Why are you doing this?” he says, and Neku’s not
really sure what he means by it. Trusting Neku with Joshua; setting them
against each other; screwing over Shiki yet again …. There’s so much, and Neku
doesn’t really understand it.
And Hanekoma just looks at him like the answer’s obvious. “I love him, Neku,”
he says simply. “Might not always seem like it, but I’ve known this kid a long
time and I ain’t about to let anybody else hurt him. Might be cruel, but shit:
I figure he’s gone through too much to not always know who his friends are, and
I ain’t about to let Shibuya go to the dogs if I can do a damn thing to avoid
it. Capisce?”
That doesn’t … Neku doesn’t know where to start with that, so he lets it go for
now. Neither of them are the one who needs to hear it, anyway. “Yeah, I guess,”
he says instead. “See you, Mr H.”
“See you, Phones,” he says, and he’s gone.
Neku’s left staring where he’d stood, and Joshua pulls him closer, patting him
absently.
“Neku?” he says, a bit worriedly. “Neku, why do you sound sad? The world is
wonderful, Neku: you should enjoy it! Live a little, Neku; it can’t be that
bad. We can work past it, whatever it is; you’re amazing. You can do anything,
Neku; I love you.”
Neku sighs and pushes a lock of Joshua’s hair back behind his ear. “You are
really fucking stoned, aren’t you,” he says, and Joshua flops bonelessly onto
him.
“I’m not stoned,” Joshua pouts, but it’s the biggest lie Neku’s heard all day.
“I just finally realised how wrong I was and how absolutely perfect everyone
is. People are wonderful, Neku, and we all just need to embrace the … the
wonderfulness.”
“I kind of wish I could record this.”
Joshua snaps up. “Neku,” he blurts out, “Neku, we need to tell everyone.”
Oh god. Joshua pulls out his cell phone and snaps three pictures of them both
before Neku can wrestle it out of his hands, but fucking hell the guy’s still
got enough control over his telekinesis to send them even as Neku tries to shut
the damn thing off. He’s doing this for your own good, Joshua, but hell,
playing keep-away with a god’s a bit past Neku’s capabilities, and Joshua looks
so woeful whenever he tries.
“Neku, if I don’t tell everyone how great they are, how will they know I
appreciate them?” he says. “They’re – they’re all wonderful, and they do such a
good job, and I’m so proud of them, every last one of them. They’re so great.
You’re so great, Neku, and we would be so great together, and you would be
beautiful with wings, you really would.”
Neku groans.
“You’re beautiful now, of course, Neku,” Joshua adds quickly. “You don’t need
wings to be amazing, but sometimes I think about you with them and – Neku.” He
lays a kiss on Neku’s nose, but he doesn’t really move back, either, and Neku
carefully slides him back down, though that just means Joshua’s nuzzling him
again. “You’d – they’d let you skip right to feathers, if you wanted, Neku, but
it’d be a waste, a total waste, Neku, you shouldn’t let them do that,” and Neku
tenses, not quite sure what Joshua’s saying. “The world is wonderful, Neku, but
Tokyo is wonderful, too, don’t you think, Neku, don’t you love Tokyo? And
Shibuya. I love Shibuya. I don’t know why I thought I didn’t, but you taught
me, didn’t you, Neku? You love Shibuya too, and Shibuya loves you, and Tokyo
….”
“I love Tokyo,” Neku says, and that seems to be the right reply. Joshua’s
always so talkative, but this … this is more than a bit disturbing. “Josh, are
you – going to be okay?”
Joshua furrows his brow. “I am okay, Neku,” he says, which … no, Neku’s not
really convinced. “I’m just also – Shibuya, Neku, I think I burned away my own
insecurities and I feel great, Neku, I don’t know how to make you begin to
understand how great I feel, how wonderful everything is. Maybe it won’t last –
few things do, Neku, but that’s all right; they’re beautiful as they are – but
I get it, Neku; I feel what it’s all really for, and you should too, Neku,
don’t you think so?”
Neku feels Joshua pressing at the edges of his mind, but he holds him off as
best he can (not very well; the guy is like a truck) and says: “No.” Joshua
pulls back in confusion, and Neku adds: “Josh, I’m sure it’s great; the world
is great and I’m glad you’re happy. But no.”
“I am happy,” Joshua says with conviction. Neku rolls his eyes. “Are you sure,
Neku? It’s – I feel everything, Neku; Shibuya has so much possibility and we –
we can make it real, Neku. I love you, Neku; can I – can I make you happy?
Please, Neku.”
And Joshua’s on Neku’s chest, eyes wide and face intent, and Neku doesn’t think
he just means the imprint. “Josh, you’re … I don’t think you’re really okay
right now, Joshua,” he says carefully, and Joshua leaps off him and onto the
other couch.
“I upset you,” Joshua observes distantly. “I’m sorry, Neku; I just – it’s all
beautiful, Neku, and you’re beautiful, and I love you, Neku. You’re wonderful,
and I –” He cuts himself off, and as Neku tries to figure out what to say, he
vanishes.
Well, fuck.
***** Chapter 14 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Joshua can’t actually have left; Neku’s pretty sure the lounge would feel
different, if he had. Instead, Neku just gets the sense he’s hiding, and he
waits for his heart rate to calm down. Whatever that concert did to Joshua was
terrifying, in its way, all his complexities smoothed down to an earnest need
to be useful, and Neku feels a little like he dodged a bullet.
He dodged it by letting it hit Joshua instead.
“Joshua?” he says to the air, hoping serving as Shibuya’s conduit didn’t fry
Joshua’s clairvoyance as well as everything else. “Josh, I’m not mad at you, so
you can come back, if you want to. Let me know if you’re okay.”
Neku checks his phone, and again when there’s still nothing there. Fucking
hell, Joshua.
His phone rings and he picks it up without checking who it is.
“Phones?” says Hanekoma, and that’s not really who Neku wanted, but he’ll take
it. “I found Josh, and he’s in a bit of a state. I’ll send him back once he
calms down; don’t go anywhere and don’t let him go anywhere without telling me,
either. I can get his head on straight, but even I gotta know first, you get
me?”
“Thanks, Mr H,” Neku says, and Hanekoma hangs up on him.
Leaving Joshua with Mr H like this grates on him, but what the hell can Neku
do? Neku can barely keep Joshua from steamrolling him; who knows what could
happen if Joshua got it into his head to imprint anyone else. Even if he means
well, he’s got more strength than sense and somebody’s got to stay sober.
God only knows what Mr H’d do with him like this. Neku seriously can’t think of
any better options, but fuck.
He gets up and starts pacing, and since he’s got fuck-all else to do, he starts
checking the rooms Joshua’d left attached. Nobody in the bathroom, nobody in
Joshua’s bedroom, and then everything else is gone for now. Of course it is.
Right around when Neku’s considering storming down to CAT street to find Joshua
himself, Hanekoma’s orders be damned, he goes to get himself a soda from behind
the bar and finds himself by the CAT mural.
Of course. He hurries past it and to Joshua’s throne room, and finds them both
deep in conversation, though it’s a bit one-sided.
“Sanae, I don’t want to stay here all the time,” Joshua says earnestly.
“Shibuya is wonderful, and the people are wonderful, and Neku is wonderful, and
I’m not going to go anywhere alone, Sanae, you must know that –”
Hanekoma cuts him off tiredly. “Josh,” he says, and Joshua actually pauses,
which is a minor miracle, right now, “the people might be great, but the best
way you can serve Shibuya right now is to stay here and calm down. You’re a
good composer, Josh; you don’t need to ruin it by giving people a chance at
you.”
“Neku was with me,” he replies, and Neku’s not sure how great of a defense that
is if Neku can’t even keep Joshua from – whatever this is. But staying down
here all the time isn’t right, either …. “Neku was with me, Sanae, and I trust
him, and I trust Kouki, and I trust Coco, and I can manage my reapers just
fine, Sanae, you know I can.”
Neku sighs and walks over, putting his hand on Joshua’s shoulder, and loses
himself for a moment. Joshua’s vibrating, he’s honestly vibrating, and here in
the heart of his domain, Neku can see what he’s sending for everyone in
Shibuya, the pure beauty of their creative potential, a belief that everything
will work out all right in the end, the need to make it so. It’s wonderful;
it’s the honest version of what Kitaniji had tried, not forceful, merely
pervasive and somehow right; but it isn’t Joshua at all.
He’s still there, even if Neku can hardly sense him at all under the sheer
optimistic goodwill of Shibuya, but he’s not the one driving and Neku baps him
on the head.
“Hello, Neku,” Joshua says, still just as bright, and Neku shakes his head.
He’d hoped.
Hanekoma clears his throat. “You’re just going to have to wait for that to burn
off, Phones,” he says. “It’s his first time serving as conduit directly, and he
really should not have done it at all.”
“He going to be all right?” Neku says, shoving his hand over Joshua’s mouth.
Joshua actually acquiesces, and just leans against Neku, comfortably buzzy.
“Yeah, he’s fine,” he replies, looking them both over. “Only danger’s that
you’d brought him out at all. Kariya? Minamimoto? The boss is not making good
decisions lately, Phones, and you ain’t doing much to stop him, either.”
He’s been happier lately, though. Neku can tell that much, even if he’s not
living here. “They’re his decisions to make,” is all he says, and Hanekoma
looks at him and vanishes.
“I love you, Neku,” Joshua says, hesitant even in the sudden onset of his
uncharacteristic joy. “You’re wonderful, Neku and I really do mean that; even
the tired me thinks so. You’re –” and he trails off, laughing softly at his own
ineptitude.
Neku laughs, too, and ruffles Joshua’s hair. “I know, Josh. You’re pretty
great, too,” he says, and Joshua’s bouncing the whole time Neku leads him back
to the lounge.
===============================================================================
“Are you mad at me?” Joshua says, and Neku rolls his eyes.
“No, Josh, I’m not mad at you,” he snaps, and he wishes the mind-reading would
mean he’d stop asking. Then again, maybe that’s why he’s having trouble
believing it, because Neku wants for this to wear off yesterday.
“I’m sorry you’re mad at me,” Joshua says, and Neku squints. He’s going to have
a headache at this rate, and the damn cyan lights aren’t helping. “You’re
wonderful, Neku, and you should be happy; I want you to be happy; is there
anything you need, Neku? I could get you something, Neku.”
“I’m fine,” he says shortly. “Josh, just – come here,” he instructs, patting
the couch, and Joshua leaps to sit next to him. Neku stifles a sigh and pulls
his head onto his lap. “Could you just – be quiet for a while?” he says, and
Joshua nods sharply, a ridiculous grin on his face, and Neku runs his fingers
through Joshua’s hair.
Joshua hums his appreciation, and Neku cracks a smile despite himself. It’s
really fucking hard to stay irritated at him right now, especially now that
he’s finally shut up, and even if Neku knows some of it’s that Joshua’s
projecting his uncomplicated happiness for all to feel, it’s still … nice.
It is nice, Neku realises, and Shibuya – Neku thinks Joshua managed to wipe
away most of the district’s test anxieties with his mistake. Neku really
fucking would’ve wanted to know ahead of time that that could’ve happened, but
the city’s cleaner now, much of the Noise cleared away by the composer’s
immediacy. He might be in no shape to work now, no shape to do much of
anything, but Shibuya’ll be a brighter place, if only for a little while.
“You did good, Josh,” Neku says, and Joshua stares at him in amazement. “You
did good.”
“You did half of it,” Joshua notes, and Neku’s hand freezes in surprise. He
did; he brought Joshua to ground and kept him from doing anything irreparable,
which, given how much control he’s got right now, is probably a feat in itself.
“You deserve a reward,” Joshua adds, and he slowly pulls himself up, awkward
and gangly, to press his lips against Neku’s own.
Neku’s not sure if this is right or not, but he kisses back, even as Joshua’s
sloppy with his tongue. Sloppy, but happy about it, and his simple joy’s
contagious, even as Joshua pushes him down and fumbles at Neku’s shirt.
“No,” Neku says, gently pushing him away. “I don’t want you to do anything
you’re going to regret,” he adds, and Joshua’s face falls.
“I want to make you happy,” he sulks, and Neku chuckles. “I don’t think that
would bother me, you know.”
“Probably not,” he concedes, “but it would bother me, so we’re not going to,
okay?” Joshua’s still frowning, but he nods anyway, and Neku relaxes. Even if
Joshua’d probably be fine with it, Neku’d still feel like he was taking
advantage of him, especially since they hadn’t even known he’d be left like
this. “Come on: let’s go sleep it off.”
“I don’t want to sleep it off,” Joshua says, but he gets up and follows Neku to
Joshua’s own bedroom anyway, then strips unconcernedly. Neku pointedly doesn’t
watch, but Joshua shifts his weight from one foot to the other and back again,
marveling a little at the pointless physicality of the action, and Neku
snickers. “Look, Neku,” he says, “I can pivot, and watch what happens.”
“I see that,” Neku says, watching the crease between Joshua’s butt and thigh
level out as he shifts his weight to that side, and then back to a slight angle
as his weight moves away. “Do you have any pyjamas I could wear? And put some
pants on; I’m getting cold just looking at you.”
Joshua lets out a whine, but he does conjure a fuzzy pair of shorts, then
throws a pale orange set of PJs onto Neku’s face. Jerk, he thinks, not
unkindly.
“Muscles are strange,” Joshua says, and as Neku tries to decide whether to
change here or in private, Joshua simply slides into his bed and smiles at him.
“You’ve nothing I haven’t seen before, you know, Neku.”
Neku sticks his tongue out at him and changes hurriedly. It’s true, not least
because Joshua probably knows what everyone in Shibuya looks like naked, but he
still didn’t want to be reminded. “I just didn’t want to give you any ideas,”
he says, and he jumps onto the bed. Joshua snorts at him, and sadly Neku
doesn’t bounce, but fucking wow is this bed soft. And huge.
Mostly huge, really, though it’s smaller than last time, sized for the
plausibly-large dog Neku sees more often rather than the bus-sized monster
Joshua’d been. He probably has less to prove, this time.
Joshua watches him, expectant, and so Neku body-slams him. Joshua yelps, though
Neku suspects that’s only because Neku wanted him to, and then hugs Neku
tightly enough it knocks the wind out of him.
He may have miscalculated.
“Okay, Josh, let me up,” he manages, and Joshua lets go hurriedly, wide-eyed
like he’s afraid of overstepping, and honestly that’s a definite concern. Neku
smiles at him, though, and slides into bed next to him, facing away so –
countdown to Joshua clinging in three, two –
He just barely gets to two before Joshua buries his head in Neku’s shoulders,
Joshua’s hair tickling his neck, and Neku shudders. Joshua backs off
immediately, so Neku turns enough to wave him over, and Joshua inches back to
drape his arms over Neku’s shoulders, though that’s not exactly comfortable.
The contact is nice, though, even with the circumstances, and it’s Joshua whose
arm would fall asleep, so Neku clasps Joshua’s hands in his own and tries to
doze.
Keyword: tries; Joshua’s energy’s a bit infectious, and even with him trying to
be quiet, he still keeps humming and nuzzling Neku, which isn’t unpleasant but
also isn’t conducive for sleep.
“Josh,” Neku says tiredly, and Joshua freezes.
“Yes, Neku?” he replies, craning over to rest his head on Neku’s shoulder.
“Can you – stay still for a while?” Joshua isn’t exactly going to sleep it off
if he doesn’t sleep, after all, and Neku’s depressingly certain that he’d
follow Neku around for as long as Neku’s conscious. “You’re keeping me up.”
Joshua manages to hold himself still for a minute, but even with that, Neku can
feel the energy vibrating off him, and Neku sighs. “I’m sorry, Neku,” Joshua
says, still so earnest, “but everything’s so wonderful and I have to share it,
Neku; it wouldn’t be right not to. Is there anything I can do for you, Neku, to
help you sleep? I won’t go anywhere without you, Neku; you don’t have to worry
about that, but I don’t need rest right now, Neku, I really don’t.”
Neku can imagine the next few hours with Joshua bouncing off the walls, and
he’d really rather not, thanks. “It’d make me happy if you rested, Joshua,” he
says, and: “Definitely don’t watch me sleep.” Joshua digests this, then nods
fervently, so at least Neku’s got that down.
“Do you need anything, Neku?” he says again. “I wouldn’t mind if you took care
of yourself in here, Neku, you know; I just want you to be happy, Neku,” he
adds, and Neku nearly turns him down again.
Nearly. It would help him be actually tired, though, and the sooner he gets to
sleep, the sooner the world can get back to normal. “You have to promise not to
help,” Neku says firmly. The last thing he needs is for Joshua to sober up and
get the wrong idea about things; maybe if they’d known going into the show that
Joshua’d get into a bit of a state, it’d be different, but they didn’t and it
isn’t.
Joshua butts his head up against Neku, affectionate. “I won’t, Neku,” he
promises, and Neku mostly believes it. “Can I stay here, though, Neku? I really
do want you to be happy, Neku, you know that, don’t you, Neku?”
“Yeah, I know,” Neku replies, and he does know, really. It’s even just as true
the rest of the time, though currently Joshua’s, uh, more fixated than usual.
God, this is well beyond awkward; he can’t get Joshua’s earnest staring out of
his mind, even with Joshua obediently staying behind him. Neku sort of likes
the idea, though, even if it’s – probably the most awkward thing he’s ever
thought of doing, but he’s uncomfortably aware of Joshua’s focus on him and
weirdly shy.
Apparently having slept with somebody multiple times doesn’t make it any less
awkward knowing they’re aware you kind of want to fap before bed. Who knew?
Neku sighs. He feels weirdly like he’s being expected to perform, and that’s
not what either of them want, so he rolls back over and lazily looks Joshua in
the eyes. Neku’s seen him this intense and bright and earnest before, but it’s
not really prompted by anything, and it looks – wrong. His eyes have lost some
of the glassiness, though, and Neku’s pretty sure he’s actually alert, not just
faking it.
‘Pretty sure’ is not a great metric. “Josh?” he says, serious. “Are you going
to remember any of this later?”
Joshua hums, thinking about it, and the tune keeps wavering. It’s regular,
though, and probably intentional; it’s just odd, and Neku doesn’t like it. “I’m
not like that right now, Neku,” he says eventually. “Sanae was right, Neku,
though he usually is; you don’t mind, do you, Neku, that I trust him? I know
you don’t like him, Neku, though I wish you did; you’re both wonderful and I
don’t know what I’d do without either of you, I really don’t, Neku –”
“I don’t mind,” Neku lies, and Joshua freezes. Neku does mind – he minds very
deeply – but pulling Joshua between the two of them would destroy him, and
that, Neku doesn’t want. They can – they can pretend to get along, if they have
to, and they do both value Joshua, even if Neku thinks Hanekoma does for all
the wrong reasons.
But Joshua isn’t Joshua’s only concern, and Hanekoma … Joshua needs him there,
even if Neku hates it. Neku’s just going to have to deal with it. And Joshua
just stares at him and bursts into the brightest smile Neku’s ever seen, and
yeah, fuck.
This guy’s a disaster, and Neku probably loves him, too, even if this is really
not the brightest decision he’s ever made. They’ll work it out.
“You didn’t actually answer me,” Neku says eventually, burrowing his head into
Joshua’s chest and laughing a little, which actually takes a bit of effort
since Joshua keeps trying to do the same sort of thing to him. Joshua gives in
first, though, and sets his chin on Neku’s head, rumbling all the while.
“What?” Joshua says. “Oh, Sanae said that I should be fine; he just doesn’t
think I should try to do any work, and I’m not, Neku; I’m with you, and that
should be perfectly fine, so long as you’re fine with it. I’ll remember this
and everything, Neku; I just feel too wonderful to concentrate, I think. Do you
understand that, Neku, what that’s like?”
“Not exactly,” Neku replies honestly, but it does kind of make sense, and he
pulls himself up enough to peck Joshua on the lips. Joshua doesn’t react for a
moment, not until Neku’s already starting to pull back, but he then crashes his
face into Neku’s ineptly and it’s nice. Neku is actually kind of tired, and
Joshua seems – if not well, at least approaching lucid, and Joshua lightly
nibbles on Neku’s tongue. Not enough to hurt, just enough to remind him of his
teeth, but then Neku remembers Joshua likes pain and bites him back, hard.
Joshua jerks, startled, but there’s no blood (of course there isn’t) and Joshua
redoubles his efforts, kissing Neku firmly as Joshua’s hands wander downwards.
Joshua’s fingers linger at Neku’s waistband, but Neku catches him and directs
him up his shirt, grabbing his hands for a moment when Joshua tries to jerk
back. Above the waist only isn’t the same thing as not at all, and Joshua’s
eyebrows shoot up in joyous surprise as Neku directs him to feel up his back,
Joshua carefully exploring Neku’s shoulder blades.
No wings, not yet anyway, and it doesn’t take a detective to figure out Joshua
wishes it were otherwise, but – but Neku’s okay with that, he thinks. None of
the reapers are bad people; Neku could fit in with them, if he wanted. They’d
welcome him enthusiastically, if not gladly, and he’d always have the safety
net to go with the tightrope.
The option’s there, if he wants it, but for now … for now he’ll pass. They’ll
welcome him, but they’ll wait for him, too; Neku doesn’t have to pick just yet.
He’ll have to pick sometime, of course, but it doesn’t have to be soon.
(Joshua would like it to be soon, though, and Neku doesn’t even judge him for
it. Of course he does. Neku still won’t do it for anyone other than himself,
though, and Joshua knows that, even approves.)
Joshua presses down lightly between Neku’s shoulder blades, and Neku hunches
forward, not entirely pleasantly. It’s right where Joshua’s scapulars and
mantle would be, and Joshua lightens up to tickle the area before venturing
back downward like he hadn’t done it at all.
“I still see where we tied you to Shibuya, Neku,” Joshua says, tracing either
side of Neku’s spine, and the hair on the back of Neku’s neck prickles. “I
think if I –” and he whistles on an exhale, and Neku thinks for a moment he’s
trying to imprint him again.
But no, Neku’s aware of the energy tangled around Joshua without having to feel
it himself, and he feels like he’s falling, Neku’s limbs scrabbling for
purchase. There’s none to be had, though, and Shibuya catches him before
whatever’s got Joshua can burn him up.
He can’t fix this – he probably couldn’t fix this even if he did have wings –
but he can conduct, and Shibuya can follow. Joshua’s the only one within reach
of the real problem, right now, and it’s hard to undo a knot when it’s still
wrapped around something, but neither Joshua nor Shibuya want him to be caught,
and every little bit helps.
He can’t fix this, but he can still help them find a stray loop, an instrument
playing too loud, and even out that little bit of the composition. It’ll be
easier once Joshua’s asleep – Shibuya can handle it, then – but for now,
Joshua’s wound too tight to even manage that much. Slowly, Joshua’s buzzing
evens out to a comfortable hum, and Neku returns to himself.
He’s not unscathed – he feels giddy, and yes, like the world is absolutely
wonderful – but Joshua stares at him with a pure joy and it’s all right,
really. They’ll both be fine in the morning.
Joshua’s still watching him, and Neku flushes. He feels kind of tingly all
over, and it’s not unpleasant, but it’s not right, either, like the numbness
before moving an asleep limb. Neku looks at him back, a bit wary, and Joshua
crashes into him, all momentum with no weight behind it as he rolls Neku over
to look down at him, and whatever’s in Neku’s face must’ve been what he wanted,
because he then collapses awkwardly onto Neku.
Neku pats him on the back, marveling a little at his weightlessness, then
lowers his hands to grope Joshua’s ass. Or his fuzzy shorts; Joshua doesn’t
really have much of an ass, and in response to that, Joshua rolls back over to
pull Neku on top of him, deceptively strong. Neku takes one look down at him
and grabs a pillow to put it over Joshua’s face, if he’s gonna be like that,
and Joshua flails.
Nah, dude, if you wanted to be under Neku, you’re now gonna have to also be his
pillow, because Neku’s not moving. He worries momentarily about letting Joshua
breathe, but right, he doesn’t need to anyway, and Neku pins his arms down,
too, just for the hell of it. Joshua grumbles something, but it’s muffled by
the pillow and he’s not putting in the effort to make himself understood
anyway, and Neku – … huh.
Huh.
“Are you all right down there?” Neku checks, an idea half-formed in his head,
and Joshua gives him a thumbs up.
“I’m absolutely wonderful,” he replies, or tries to; it’s too muffled by the
pillow to be actual words, but hey, telepathy. Joshua still isn’t actually
sober, but Neku isn’t really sure he is either, by this point, and this – this
wouldn’t be anything dangerous. And Joshua likes power plays, he’d said so, and
he could get out from Neku’s crappy attempt at pinning him at any time. Hell,
you wouldn’t even need to be Joshua for it; Neku’s just got his arm and
shoulder holding him, and his head weighting the pillow down, and Joshua only
breathes as a formality anyway.
It should be fine. Joshua’d probably want him to do it, anyway, only Neku’s not
gonna tell him what he has in mind, and Neku slips his other hand down his
pants, pulling his cock out. It’s halfway hard already, and Neku gently grasps
it, tilting his head so he can watch what he’s doing.
Joshua gives him another thumbs-up. “You’re not going to let me watch?” he
whines, mock heartbroken, and Neku shoves his weight down on him. No, he isn’t,
and Joshua whines further.
“No cheating,” Neku adds, and Joshua stills. Neku … Neku bounces his hips, a
bit curious, and Joshua grumbles. He’ll take that as agreement, though there’s
probably no way Neku’d know either way. It’s the idea of the thing, though, and
they both know it.
He’s too tired to do much, so he simply rubs at his cock and thrusts into his
hand, and even if he’s not actually doing anything to Joshua, he keeps
straining upwards against the pillow, still letting out a whine of frustration,
but he grinds far enough down for the head to brush against Joshua’s bare
stomach, and Joshua jumps a little.
He’s reading Neku’s Music, he realises; even if he’s obeying enough to not
watch, Neku didn’t tell him not to listen, and it’d hurt him to try, anyway. Of
course he doesn’t always care if Neku touches him back; he can feel what Neku
feels, if he wants, and Neku slides his arm over to keep the pillow pinned down
so Neku can kiss Joshua’s clavicle, and Joshua groans.
“I figured you out, brat,” Neku murmurs, and Joshua shudders. Neku grips his
cock harder, his skin clapping softly against his own skin as he touches
himself, and Joshua strains a little. Neku senses him there, now, just as
subtly right as always, and Neku calls him down. He’s still keeping some
distance, and he always will be, but like this Neku can sense his earnest
praise.
Like that, Neku; you’re perfect; you’re wonderful; you’re beautiful; I love
you; stay with me; an endless litany that leaves Neku’s ears red and Joshua
bashful, but Neku doesn’t back away and that’s enough for right now, Joshua’s
refrain tainted with relief. He’s already so afraid to care; Neku doesn’t ever
want to make that worse, and Joshua chokes out his name as Neku shudders and
comes. He doesn’t have much left today, but what he does lands on Joshua’s
chest, and Neku gingerly removes the pillow from Joshua’s head and nuzzles
Joshua’s neck without letting his PJs touch it.
“I’ll be really proud of you if you leave that there until you wake up,” Neku
says casually, and Joshua stares at him, wide-eyed.
“Neku,” he manages, like he was the one who just got off, and Neku pulls
himself off Joshua to lie beside him. “You ….”
“I already knew you read my mind,” Neku says, and his pyjamas are now all
sweaty. He just wants to sleep now, though; he can clean up later if he needs
to, and it’s not like he actually has to worry about the sheets. “That’s just
another aspect of it, isn’t it?”
Joshua nods slightly. “It’s nice,” he says, and: “do I have to keep your weird
bodily fluids on?”
Neku snorts and mumbles: “Not if you don’t want to.” Neku’d just wanted a bit
of revenge for the cracks about it, but Joshua nods again and leaves it there,
perturbed but accepting the challenge, and Joshua flushes when he realises
Neku’s watching him.
Everything’s all right, and Neku’s still smiling when he dozes off to sleep.
===============================================================================
Neku wakes up alone.
It’s Joshua’s bed – it couldn’t not be Joshua’s bed; it’s too soft and Neku’s
pyjamas are unfamiliar and there’s no other reason he’d be sleeping under the
stars, clearer and brighter than Neku’d ever seen them – but Joshua’s not there
and Neku panics a little, though he’s not sure why. There’s plenty of perfectly
fine reasons for Neku to be alone, and –
Joshua statics in next to him, groggier than Neku’s ever seen him. “It’s too
early to be down here,” he grumbles, and Neku stares blearily at the sweat and
everything else that’s dried on him, before Joshua glances down and fuzzes out
back to his perfectly clean self, too confused to be embarrassed. “Neku, don’t
take this the wrong way, but please go back to sleep; down-tuning is awful and
I never want to do it again.” And with that, he statics back out, though Neku
is pretty sure he’s still nearby.
Neku scrunches his eyes shut, then pulls himself out of bed. More sleep sounds
like a great idea, but first … first Neku needs to feel a little less gross.
Neku plods off to the bathroom, not bothering to turn on any lights, and rinses
and takes care of business, before plodding back to Joshua’s bed.
He could put his newly-clean PJs back on. They’d be comfortable.
He can also just not do that; the sheets are clean, too, and fuck it, pyjamas
are too much effort.
“Night, Josh,” Neku says, looking where he thinks Joshua might be, and he
settles back in to sleep.
Sleep well, Neku.
Chapter End Notes
     Bodily fluids kink, masturbation, exhibitionism, and still the
     altered mental states. :V
***** Chapter 15 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Joshua’s once again not there when Neku wakes up, but that’s okay. He wasn’t
there when Neku fell asleep, either, and there’s no longer the vague sense of
urgency to keep track of him.
Neku stretches and yawns, uncertain of the time. It’s probably pretty early,
though, and slowly the familiar hum of Joshua’s power fades in at the edge of
his hearing, even if Joshua himself remains invisible.
“You going to show yourself?” Neku says, and he’s clobbered by a pillow for his
trouble, like it’s his fault it’s the ass-end of dawn. On a Sunday, even,
though Neku suspects Joshua doesn’t particularly care about the days of the
week.
Down-tuning is the worst idea I ever had and I never want to do it again,
Joshua moans, and he sounds strangely wobbly. Neku tries to look in the
direction the phantom sound comes from, but the closest he gets to seeing him’s
a blur out the corner of his eye, and Neku’s head hurts from trying. I hate
your frequency and everything it stands for, Neku. Fuck the Realground.
Neku chuckles, blinking hard a few times to keep the budding headache from
sinking in. “Fuck the Realground, or fuck it?” Neku says, and Joshua hits him
with another pillow as Neku laughs at his pain.
I'd have been perfectly fine at my natural frequency, Neku, he sulks. This
headache is your useless plane's fault.
Poor baby. “If you come down, I’ll make it worth your while,” Neku says, and
Joshua’s thinking about it.
No, he settles on, dumping a bucket of water over Neku, and wow, asshole! It's
Day Seven and a Sunday, Neku, and I need to send the budget in tonight, and I'm
behind and my wings ache, Neku. Your frequency is terrible, Neku, this is
completely your fault.
Like hell it is. Neku picks a direction to point at and yells, “The concert was
your idea, asshole!” before looking around for something to towel off with. It
is way too damn cold in here to be soaking wet, and thanks again, Joshua, Neku
needed that to help wake up in the morning.
Joshua sighs. See what I mean, Neku? You even stay wet. What is this? and
there’s a clapping sound and Neku shuts his eyes instinctively, reopening them
to find himself dry, which … is nice, but Joshua shouldn’t have dunked him in
the first place. What is even the point of the Realground, Neku. I hate it.
Neku rolls his eyes. He’s such a whiny bastard sometimes, and Neku’s not going
to deal with this right now. He pulls himself out of bed and storms out.
Then comes back to put some pants on.
Then storms out.
===============================================================================
Joshua’s on the couch by the time Neku’s clean and dressed again, and Neku’s
half-tempted to ignore him and just walk out, but he’s got breakfast on the
table and Neku’s starving. Doesn’t mean Neku’s ready to forgive him yet,
though.
“I’m sorry I was pissy,” Joshua mumbles around his pancakes. Neku grunts in
reply. “I overextended myself last night, trying to do my usual work at your
frequency, but it would have been much worse without you to balance me. Thank
you for that, by the way.”
Neku nods acknowledgement and starts to eat, not willing to look at Joshua.
“Did you know that would happen?” he says levelly, and he knows Joshua doesn’t
want to look at him, either.
“I’ve only seen that happen to very young reapers,” Joshua murmurs, shame-
faced, “and not nearly as badly as that hit me.” He sighs and sets his plate
down, then looks up at Neku, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “Apparently age
means little in the face of inexperience, and with my vibe being as strong as
it is … that could have gone very badly. I am deeply sorry, Neku.”
“Well,” Neku says, finally looking up, “no one was hurt, so it’ll be okay. I’m
not happy with you, though.” Joshua nods faintly, and Neku adds: “Don’t spring
that on me again.”
Joshua rolls his eyes and goes back to attacking his pancakes in frustration.
“House arrest yet again, I see.”
“No, look,” he says, and then he pokes Joshua in the arm. “Look at me, Josh.
I’m not mad because you got – overwhelmed. That’s all right. We can work that
shit out. What I’m mad about is you didn’t warn me anything could happen at
all. You need to tell me things, Josh.”
“I’m trying,” he says, and at Neku’s incredulous glare, continues: “Neku, I
honestly am trying. Much of this is as new to me as it is to you, and I’ve been
the composer for so long that I simply don’t think of what it takes to live and
work in the RG. As a human or a reaper, Neku.”
“Then you need to find out,” Neku states, and Joshua flushes. “Do any of the
reapers handle – orientation, or whatever? Or do you all just leave the new
kids to flounder, and if you’re doing that, that is going to change, Josh.” It
was bad enough when Neku was thrown into the Game without having heard the
rules, though what’s worse is he remembers learning them and then he lost his
memories right afterward.
Joshua’s shoulders tense. Old wounds; Neku needs to let that go. “Coco explains
things to the new recruits,” he admits. “I’ll – I’ll talk to her, I suppose.
Not as though I really needed my dignity ….”
“Join the club, Josh,” he says, and Joshua chuckles. “I’m proud of you, by the
way,” he adds, remembering what he’d said, and even if it was a joke, it’s
still true. “I know you’re – finicky,” and that’s an understatement.
Joshua’s brow furrows, and then he realises what Neku’s talking about and
preens. “It’s actually more difficult for me to collect dirt, Neku,” he says
lightly. “I’m clean by default, as I should be.” Lucky bastard, Neku thinks.
But at least Neku can go to a concert without becoming higher than a Pork City
penthouse. “Was that okay, by the way?”
He quirks a brow. “It was amazing, Neku,” he says honestly, and Neku smiles
shyly. “You’ve permission to take me at my word if you find me in that state
again, by the by, though be extremely careful with my wings. But your concern
was appreciated.”
“No wings while high, even if you say it’s fine,” Neku repeats, and Joshua
shrugs. “I just didn’t want to –” and he trails off. Joshua was really not all
there.
“You did well, Neku,” Joshua says, and it’s funny how hearing something nice
from this guy still makes his ears hot. It’s not even like Joshua’s shy about
saying it, either; he just always seems like a hard person to please. “You –”
he starts, then changes his mind. “I trust you, Neku,” he says finally, shaking
his head. “You could likely do much better than trusting me, but I trust you.
Do what you think is right, and I –”
Neku smiles at him softly. “I make mistakes a lot, too, Josh. Just – … we’ve
got to do better. Both of us.”
“We do,” Joshua agrees, and Neku relaxes. Never any telling how Joshua takes
criticism, though he always does much better with it than Shiki probably thinks
…. “Miss Misaki and her girlfriend are very busy, at the moment,” Joshua says
carefully, “but I suspect the Bitous would like to see you. If you’re
amenable.”
“Course I am,” Neku says, brightening. “Do you – do you know how they feel
about things? Don’t actually scan them, but ….” Joshua’s checked Neku’s moods
dozens of times, though at the time, Neku’d have been furious to find out. But
glancing at someone’s emotions to work out how mad they are at you … that would
be really useful, and it’s not really – it might not be fair, but it is trying
to minimize harm.
“Rhyme doesn’t know,” he says after a moment, thinking. “She knows you and
Shiki are fighting, of course, but Beat hasn’t told her why. She would take it
well if you told her, however. Comparably.
“Daisukenojo blames himself for not convincing you your association with me is
unwise. You absolutely should talk to him sooner rather than later.
“Miss Misaki is certain the blame lies entirely with me, though I suspect part
of that is to save energy for her own concerns. You – I can’t give you any
advice, I’m afraid. The longer you wait, the worse it’ll be, but I think the
damage is already done, with her. Does that answer your questions?”
Neku mulls it over. “Yeah, thanks,” he says, and Joshua’s shoulders slump with
relief. He really likes seeming useful, doesn’t he …. “Hey, Josh? If you know
there’s something I could do to help, you can tell me, you know. You don’t need
to – how you know is sort of weird and creepy, but I’d still rather have a
heads-up and be able to do something. It doesn’t bother me so much, anymore.”
“They might be less amenable, if you tell them,” Joshua warns, and Neku sucks
in a breath. He hadn’t really thought about that, though he should have: just
because Neku trusts Joshua doesn’t mean everyone else does. “I can keep you
informed if you wish, but you of all people should know my grasp of privacy
concerns is – lacking.”
“Yeah,” Neku concedes. Joshua does try, Neku knows that, but it’s still pretty
different for people who aren’t used to that, and everyone’s uncomfortable
enough with Joshua as it is. “Let me know if something’s dire, then, and I
guess I’ll just ask you if there’s something else I could help with sometimes.”
Then it’s Neku’s fault if they screw up, but it’s not like Joshua didn’t warn
him.
Joshua nods, decisive, and that ever-present smile’s just the slightest bit
brighter. Maybe Neku should ask him for help more often; they’re friends, after
all. “I’ll call you, Neku, though it’s your own fault if I take advantage of
it,” he says, grin widening as he flips his hair back.
Neku sighs. “You’re going to have me fix your internet, aren’t you,” he says,
and Joshua’s eyes light up. Augh, no, that wasn’t a suggestion.
“Excellent idea, my dear conductor!” he says, and Neku groans. “Unfortunately,
I do have quite a lot of work to do today, so if you don’t mind …?”
“Yeah, I’ll clear out,” Neku says, gathering his stuff, and Joshua salutes.
“I’ll be overrun with reapers most of the day,” Joshua notes, “but you’re
welcome any time, Neku, though I may not be fit company this evening. Best of
luck on your exams, and in all things.”
“You too,” he says, and Joshua’s gone. Neku finishes eating and packs up to go,
turning back to check for Joshua before stepping out the door. The lounge
doesn’t feel empty without Joshua there, though Neku’d half-thought it might;
it feels expectant, and Neku remembers again it’s the seventh day. He might
have to check if Joshua revives anyone, later, though that might be a question
best left unanswered.
Nah. Joshua wouldn’t tell him if he didn’t half-expect Neku to ask, and Neku’d
wonder about it otherwise. At least this way he’ll know, even if the answer
sucks.
===============================================================================
Beat’s up early, which means he manages to wake up just enough to answer the
phone when Neku calls. Neku even manages to get words out of him, even if most
of those words have to do with not meeting up for an hour. Fine by him, he
figures, and Neku enjoys walking through the same old streets of his childhood.
The streets like having him back, too, and the whole district’s tense from the
Game. Day seven, huh. He wonders who’s Game Master this time.
The Players wake up not long after Neku starts paying attention, their presence
lending the Shibuya’s song a familiar urgency, and the hair stands up on the
back of his neck. He’s been the prey before himself, too many times for him to
ever forget, and even if he’s not Playing, it’s still his job. He’s not ever
going to be free of it again, not really, anyway. Even if Neku decides to quit,
even if Joshua lets him.
He might not be stuck in Joshua’s UG, but the UG overall … it was his entry
fee. There’s no changing that. Neku scans the crowds, and – there. Red hoodie
standing around the entrance to Center St, shuffling and yawning and looking
like they wish they were anywhere else. Neku waves and meanders over, trying
not to laugh.
Neku glances around for somewhere to sit without any luck, and the reaper
straightens. “Morning,” Neku says.
Who, me? the reaper thinks, looking around, then turns to Neku. “Hey,” she (?)
says, defeated, and Neku shrugs apologetically. “If you want past this wall,”
she starts, and Neku shakes his head. “Thought you were a bit early to be a
Player. There something you want?”
“Just killing time,” he says. “Do we always run our Games this early?” They
seemed later while he was Playing, but it’s been a while ….
“Only on weekends,” she says tiredly. “Pain in the ass, really; I ain’t even
got breakfast yet. Hey, you mind nabbing me something?”
Neku sighs. “You going to eat it this time?” he says rhetorically. “Yeah,
sure.”
“You know how it is: gotta get some food into them somehow,” she says, and
realises: “wait, the hell are you?”
“Your new conductor,” he says flatly, and she stares at him with disbelief and
dawning panic. “I’m not offended or anything; I’m just bored.”
“Never mind about the breakfast,” she says hurriedly anyway. “I don’t – I don’t
mind the early mornings, either, even if I ain’t scheduled for weekends. We
cool, right?”
Neku holds up a fist, and she carefully bumps it. “The composer’s the one who
actually plans this stuff,” he explains. “I’m still learning the ropes,” and
the fact bothers him less than it should. “If you and anyone else put together
a list of complaints, I’ll bring some of them up with him; he’s not a bad sort,
really. Just pissy.”
She stares at him, and Neku shrugs helplessly. A lot of the reapers – they’re
running as scared as the players, sometimes, and that’s not right. It doesn’t
seem like it’s what Joshua wants for them, either, if Coco and Kariya are any
indication; just because they need to do their jobs or get erased doesn’t mean
Neku ever wants them to be scared of him, and if Joshua objects to that … then
Neku’s going to have a problem with Joshua.
But Neku doesn’t think he will. “We won’t hold any of it against you,” he adds.
“I’m – I don’t know how Kitaniji ran things, but I want a Game where the
reapers can trust each other, even if you’re all competition. So let me know
what bugs you all, and I’ll see what I can do, all right?”
“Right, boss,” she says faintly, and Neku smiles. He does end up picking her up
some food – an egg biscuit off Sunshine’s breakfast menu, which she actually
eats, a minor miracle in itself – and they make awkward small talk, with Neku
checking his phone as she scans around to make sure no Players are coming yet.
Neku vaguely wonders if they got lost, or if this GM likes sending them on a
different route than the one Neku’s used to, but it’s not worth asking.
He tells her a bit about the friend he’s going to meet up with, too, and even
if she doesn’t care much, she perks up when he mentions that Beat’d been a
reaper and shows him the pin he’d made. I Live For Food is such a freaking Beat
pin name, and a curry rice pin … geez. What a dweeb. Neku kind of loves him.
Neku clears out eventually, and even if he’s pretty sure he was a bit annoying,
neither of them had much better to do, anyway. This way he at least gets
another reaper who both knows who he is and isn’t terrified of him, and that’s
worthwhile in itself.
I hope youre not expecting much, Neku texts Joshua as he walks over to Mexican
Dog to meet Beat. It’s not like Joshua gave him any good conduct tips for
conductors, and Neku has no interest in the serious villain schtick Shades’d
done.
You're doing an excellent job taking up Megumi's mantle, my dear Neku, Joshua
replies, and Neku wonders what world he’s from. Continue as you have, and
you'll do well enough, I'm sure.
Well, even if Joshua’s full of shit, nothing Neku can do about it, and Beat
gets to the place at almost the same time as him. “Hey, Beat!” Neku calls, and
Beat looks around baffledly. Neku tries waving him over, but – ah, he taps his
foot and drops his frequency slightly. He hadn’t even realised he’d gone up at
all.
“Heya, Phones!” Beat says, pulling him into a hug, and Neku claps him on the
back, keeping his hands low. “How you been?”
Beat’s no reaper, but it feels wrong that he isn’t, after the night Neku’s had,
and he’s more relieved than he’d expected as he delves into his past few weeks.
Beat knows a lot of it already, but it still helps to rehash his time at school
as they pick up some colas and chili dogs and find somewhere to sit. Beat tells
Neku a bit about how he’s been doing, too, but there’s still that distance, and
eventually Neku has to ask …
“Beat? I know I kind of dropped a lot of stuff onto you last time,” he says,
and Beat winces. “Are you – are we okay?”
“You kinda did, bro,” Beat admits, and Neku stirs his soda unhappily. “Your
reaper friend seemed okay, but dude, that is that is some nasty shit you’re
getting yourself into. You sure about this?”
“Josh isn’t a bad guy,” Neku says, and even if he’s less than sure about the
rest of it, this he knows. “And nobody’s – I don’t have to do anything I don’t
want to. The composer’s been pretty clear on that point.”
Beat rubs at his head, careful not to get any chili on him, and Neku kind of
wants to pat him on the shoulder. Probably wouldn’t be appreciated right now,
though. “Neku, you know even if you don’t want to do something, somebody else
is going to, right? It ain’t like – people die, Neku, and even if you ain’t
planning on being the one to kill them, that is some heavy stuff to be involved
in.”
He’s already involved. Even if he broke with Joshua right now, went and moved
to somewhere nobody gives a single fuck about the Shibuya composer, he’d still
know about the UG, still see the occasional Player, still know when somebody’s
chomped by Noise. And he could ignore it, but then he’d know he’s ignoring it.
He’s not going to tell Beat that right now, though. It’d give the wrong
impression, and Neku honest-to-god likes Joshua, likes all these bitter little
bastards who see some of the worst humanity has to offer and keep going,
shoveling some of the shit out in their own little ways. And maybe they’re all
selfish vindictive jerks at times, but Neku’s got more than a bit of that
himself, and there’s a kindness there, too.
They aren’t evil. They aren’t even leaving the world a worse place than they
found it; they’re fixing shit in ways an angry bitter teen can understand, and
just because they know how to get people like the old Neku to do what they need
doesn’t mean they’re all assholes. They’ve been there; they know how hurt kids
think, sometimes.
“They’re already dead,” he says instead, quietly, “and the reapers fix what
they can. A bunch of them are jerks about it, yeah, but the composer – he’s
just trying to pick the best of a lot of bad options. It’s nasty, and sometimes
he fucks up. He did fuck up; he fucked up real bad with the Game we were in,
but he’s not ever going to do that shit again.”
Beat doesn’t even say anything to that, just furrows his brow, and that says
enough right there. How do you know that, what makes Neku so sure? What makes
Neku think he’s not just using him again, making Neku believe what he wants so
he can get what he wants from Neku? He’s done it before.
“I trust him,” Neku adds, “and I’m – I’m not going to leave him alone, okay?
He’s been doing a lot to fix himself, and he’s been alone for a long time, and
– he likes me. I like him, and I can … I could help him, and it wouldn’t
destroy me. He doesn’t want it to, anyway.”
Beat looks at Neku’s face and sighs. “Neku, I trust you and all, and I really
fucking hope this works out for you, but I can’t be involved in this shit.”
“I’m not asking you to,” Neku starts, but Beat shakes his head.
“If I’m worrying about you, bro, then I’m involved. I can’t not be, and I can’t
– I can’t deal with that, Neku,” he states. “That was – that was the worst week
of my life, you know? And here you are getting in with this shit when you got
options, man, you got your whole life ahead of you; let it go. It’s not your
problem; don’t let it be.”
Neku groans and buries his face in his chili dog, not sure what to say. Josh
isn’t trying to take away his options; Neku’s still in school, for fuck’s sake.
He’s not dead, and even if he were, plenty of reapers manage to get on with
their lives. Figuratively.
“You got finals this week, bro,” Beat adds, and Neku winces. “I know you, dude;
you wouldn’t be here and up this early if you didn’t stay over at Josh’s last
night, and you got better things to do right now than worry about dead people.”
“I wasn’t worrying,” he lies.
Beat leans back. “So you did stay over with him again,” he concludes, and shit,
caught. “I get enough of this from Rhyme when she’s up too late playing games
instead of studying; I don’t want to be worrying about you, too, Neku, and
you’re in a lot deeper shit than she is. Look, bro: I care about you whatever
you pick, but if you’re gonna keep being involved with this, I don’t – I don’t
think we can be dating, man. Sorry.”
Neku stares at him, then bursts into tears. It’s not dignified, and Neku’d like
to be dignified, but this is his first break-up, okay, let him – let him be
undignified. “I’m sorry,” he manages, “I just – I thought it could work.”
Beat looks at him, then gingerly pulls him into a hug. “I ain’t mad at you,” he
mumbles. “Neku, don’t ever think that I’m mad at you or I don’t love you or
anything like that. I just – I spent a lot of the past week freaking out about
that, you know? And I just – can’t. And it don’t mean I don’t love you, ‘cause
I do, bro, you’re my best friend, but – this is –”
“It’s too much,” Neku finishes, and Beat nods jerkily, and Neku’s getting
Beat’s shirt all gross. This is so not dignified, but Beat just holds him there
and lets him cry, and even if Neku knows he’ll be mad later, it’s – it’s nice.
It’s what friends do, and Beat’s his friend, and Neku hurt him enough for him
to have to do this, and – everything sucks right now. This sucks; this sucks so
bad, and Neku’s kind of glad Beat waited until they met in person to break up
with him. It’d be so much worse if he’d done it while Neku was on campus; even
if he likes the people’s he’s met, he doesn’t know any of them well enough to
cry on them, and crying alone would just – suck.
This already sucks.
Neku’s glad he ate already, because he isn’t really hungry anymore.
He pulls away and wipes his face off, and Beat gets him some water so he can
clean up. “So, uh, I guess I’ll see you around?” Neku says, for lack of
anything better, and Beat nods jerkily.
“Yeah,” he says, “yeah, I guess, Neku. Good luck this week.”
Fucking hell.
===============================================================================
Neku picks up the phone and dials. “Josh?” he says without preamble. “Beat just
broke up with me and I don’t really want to walk –” and he closes his eyes and
he’s back on Joshua’s bed. Josh isn’t there, though, and – right, Game day.
Most of the reapers are in the lounge by now, Neku, Joshua says, and Neku
really fucking wants to kick them all out so they can cuddle out there. It’s
selfish. It'll be a while before I can attend to you, but … here. The blankets
wrap themselves around him, and a table appears next to him. Hot cocoa, it
seems like, and even if Joshua is busy right now … he cares. Neku knows he
does.
“Good luck, Josh,” Neku mutters, and buries himself in the blankets and cries.
Joshua keeps imprinting him with love and support, but Neku wants Beat right
now, and for Shiki to not be mad at him, and – Neku wants a lot of things. It’d
be so easy to blame Joshua for Neku not having them, too.
That just makes it worse, because Beat and Shiki would forgive him if Neku told
Josh to fuck off, and Neku is not! going to! do that! It’s not his fault he
sees Joshua as a person instead of a title, and it isn’t bad, either! –
Joshua’s imprinting redoubles, and a bit of faith would be nice, Josh. Neku’s
not mad Josh thinks Neku’d pick them over him, but it still stings.
I have little enough to offer you, Joshua warns, and Neku’d shove him down onto
the bed if he was here. Joshua might not have much to give, but Neku wants it,
wants the snarky little bastard for all he’s worth. Joshua barks out a startled
laugh, and Neku wants to push him down and kiss him and not let him up until at
least one of them’s too tired to move. A nice thought, but I am working, Neku,
Joshua replies, and does Neku sound like he cares?
– he does care, but it’s the volatile type of caring where he wants to fight or
cry or fuck until he doesn’t have the energy for anything else, and he has
nothing else to do right now! Joshua lets out a strangled sound as Neku sobs
furiously into a pillow, and it’s got to be hell on him, knowing Neku’s upset
when he can’t do anything about it, but it’s kind of hell being Neku right now
and at least they know Joshua wants to help. They both know that, and maybe it
doesn’t fix it, but it – helps, a little.
Neku is more than a bit tempted to try touching himself angrily until Joshua
gives up and joins him, but Joshua’s job is important and that’d be as bad in
its own way as trying to force him to quit. And how selfish is Neku, to put
himself over whoever’s still Playing, like Neku’s feelings matter more than
people’s lives? How fucking selfish is that?
No wonder Beat broke up with him, if that’s the kind of person Neku is. No
fucking wonder –
Neku, Joshua says patiently, you're upset. You're allowed to think uncharitable
things when you're upset; heaven knows I do. It's okay.
“It’s fucking different when the person you’re thinking ‘uncharitably’ towards
can read your fucking mind,” Neku snaps, and Joshua recoils.
But he doesn’t leave, though. Not more than he was already. I would be a poor
composer indeed if I did not understand the difference between thought and
action, Neku, he says. You may be as angry with me as you'd like.
Glad he’s got your permission, asshole! And Joshua just sighs and sends him
more assurance. Joshua loves Neku, and he won’t hold it against him if Neku
blames him for what happened. It’s Neku’s right, Joshua thinks, and Neku can’t
help but think Joshua’s too good for him.
Why would anyone want to date Neku when this is what happens when they stop? He
throws another fucking tantrum like a five year old.
And yet you confine your raging to yourself and to those who will not be
damaged by it, Neku.
“Stop being so fucking calm about it!” Neku yells, and Joshua – the faint hint
of Joshua’s presence vanishes.
Now he really is alone, like he deserves, and he punches the pillow and cries.
Chapter End Notes
     Aaaaaaaaaaangst. Sorry about the lack of update last Monday; I was
     sick and not up to looking over aaaaaaaangst. Aaaaaangst!
***** Chapter 16 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Joshua shows up again eventually, tired and exhausted, and even so he lights up
when he sees Neku. Neku smiles back, even if it's just for show: Joshua doesn't
need to feel like Neku's mad at him, not right now, and even if it's no secret,
he hopes the effort's appreciated.
Neku’s still upset, of course. Not even a bath and shower fixes that,
especially not with only Joshua’s crappy computer for company, but seeing
Joshua so relieved to see him – that helps a little. Still sucks, though.
“I love you,” Joshua says, and Neku can believe it. It doesn’t fix anything,
but Neku believes it, and when Neku pats the area next to him, Joshua carefully
sits down and pulls him into a hug. “I love you, Neku, and the last thing any
of us want is for you to be hurt.”
“Bit late for that,” Neku snaps, and Joshua winces. Fuck. “I’m sorry,” he says
wretchedly, “I just –”
“You’re upset,” Joshua finishes. “There’s no shame in that, and I – you have
more than enough right, to be angry with me. I won’t hold that against you.”
Neku sighs and rubs at his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Josh,” he says.
“Just because there are plenty of things I can be angry at you for, doesn’t
mean it’s okay when I take things out on you that really aren’t your fault.”
Joshua shrugs, not arguing, and it really just makes Neku feel a bit worse.
“How did –?”
Joshua shrugs. “Minamimoto survived his run as GM, and one former Player is now
back in the land of the living. It was a Game, in other words.”
One, he said, and that means … he erased half a partnership. “Fuck,” Neku says,
and Joshua inclines his head. “What do you do when –” and he trails off.
“When I split partners like that?” he finishes, and that’s one way to put it.
“Leave them thinking the Game was a dream. That partnership had not been
mutually beneficial, Neku.”
He doesn’t doubt it, but it’s still awful, and Neku flops down onto the bed
with a groan. “The world is terrible,” Neku says. “I don’t want to have to
think about it for a while.”
A hum of acknowledgement, and Neku closes his eyes instinctively as a large
weight settles onto his stomach. As you wish, Joshua says, his head almost too
big to fit on Neku's torso, and Neku reaches to scritch behind his ears as he
licks at Neku's face. Varying his size is just one of his composer tricks, he
supposes, but ….
“Hey, Josh,” he muses. “You can take memories, right? I just need to get
through finals, but –”
No, Joshua growls, folding his ears back. Too many variables, Neku; I don't
touch memories that aren't directly involved with my UG, and for good reason.
"It'd only be for a few days," he counters, but Joshua barks and puts a paw on
Neku's face, the pad covering his mouth.
And if you text your friends as if nothing had happened? he says, and Neku
freezes. Neku, I may have a great deal of power, but actions have consequences.
Do not ask me this again.
Neku stares at him and wilts, and Joshua’s hackles slowly go down as he relaxes
to his ever-present grin and licks Neku’s hand in apology. “It was just a
thought,” Neku murmurs, and Joshua’s watching him, so serious. “I just – was
hoping there was something you could do ….”
Nothing I haven't tried already, he says briskly, returning to human form with
his head on Neku’s chest. Joshua doesn’t appear to be wearing a shirt, but
that’s okay. “I can give you my company and imprints of my thoughts; that’s
all, I’m afraid.”
“No magic solutions, huh,” Neku concludes, and Joshua shakes his head. Neku
runs his hand along Joshua’s neck, letting his fingers linger along the
carotid, and Joshua shivers. No pulse, of course, but then, there wouldn’t be
….
Joshua’s full attention’s on him, expectant, and Neku’s throat runs dry. He’s
angry and sad and upset and he wants some kind of distraction, but Joshua’s
regard is heavier than he remembers, and Joshua relaxes bonelessly onto him.
Neku could use him; Neku could use him for anything he wants, and it’s
terrifying. This cold bastard at Neku’s beck and call, and Joshua’s already
erased one person today.
Neku isn’t ever going to use Joshua like that. “I trust you,” he murmurs,
pushing some of Joshua’s hair back behind his ears, and Joshua shudders. “I had
a bad day, but it’s still not your fault, and you – you were busy, too, weren’t
you? But would you want to ….”
“I’m tired,” Joshua admits. “I won’t say no, but I’ve little interest in
leaving here today.”
Neku nods slowly, thinking it over as he massages the back of Joshua’s head and
Joshua groans pleasantly. He should probably head back and do some last-minute
studying for art history, but he doesn’t really want to. Fuck school; he’s in
no mood to have to think about anything, and there’s one way to burn off some
energy …. Neku lowers his hand again to the back of Joshua’s neck and watches
him swallow.
“Nothing kinky today,” Joshua adds, and Neku’s not sure if Joshua wants to pull
away or push into it. Neku makes the decision for him by scritching his neck
and slowly moving to rub at the top of his shoulders, and Joshua closes his
eyes, hardly moving even as Neku slides him down so Neku can sit up. Neku kind
of wants to pull him up and kiss him, but seeing Joshua with that mix of
pleasure and trepidation … Neku likes it, and Joshua’s smiling faintly even as
his brow furrows.
Nothing kinky today, he’d said, and Neku doesn’t really want to indulge that
particular fetish of Joshua’s ever again, but … hinting. Hinting at it is nice,
and they both know it could be real. “I could get you off just with this,
couldn’t I,” Neku muses, and Joshua inclines his head.
“I’m rather easy,” he admits, “but I doubt you would have much fun that way.”
Point taken, but it doesn’t stop Neku from petting his neck and Joshua doesn’t
move away, just keeps pushing back into Neku’s touch and squirming a little.
Neku might want himself to be left exhausted and spent, but it’s – interesting,
working Joshua up without ever really planning on doing anything with it, and
Joshua definitely doesn’t seem to mind. Neku half-expects Joshua to go for his
own pants, but he doesn’t, just keeps his head in Neku’s lap as Neku massages
his neck, and Joshua can’t quite keep still.
Neku pulls his hands back experimentally, and Joshua whimpers, his eyes opening
to give him the puppy face. Neku chuckles and resumes petting him. “I really
hope this isn’t what you get when you’re a dog,” Neku mutters, and Joshua
closes his eyes again.
“Your – intent is different,” he says, voice rough, “so of course the outcome
is, too.” That makes sense, Neku supposes, so he works back down to the bump of
Joshua’s spine, a bit above where his wings would attach, and Joshua pushes
into his lap with a whine. That seems promising, so Neku presses a bit harder
and – Joshua vanishes, then reappears draping himself behind Neku, his head on
Neku’s.
“Too much?” Neku guesses, and Joshua vibrates with his responding hum as he
puts his arms over Neku’s shoulders.
He’s strangely comforting, and Neku feels Joshua wrapping his power around
Neku’s without quite touching, leaving a spot for him to escape, if he wants
to. He doesn’t. “You did just fine,” Joshua murmurs into his ear. “Just fine,”
he repeats as he nuzzles him, and Neku relaxes even as Joshua carefully pulls
Neku’s shirt off without moving either of them, just phasing it through.
Neku half-expects him to start sucking on his neck, but he doesn’t. Maybe
Joshua’s finally caught on that it’s way more his thing than Neku’s, though
that’s unlikely, and Joshua laughs. He even remembers to exhale with the sound,
his breath rustling Neku’s hair, and he shifts, pulling Neku onto his lap. Neku
leans back into the contact, and even if Joshua’s unnaturally still, Neku can
hear/feel him vibrating with Shibuya’s power, familiar in its rhythms. It’s
comfortable, and Neku grinds his ass down on Joshua almost to see what happens.
He slips away, that’s what, and Joshua chuckles as he gently sets Neku back on
the bed, fading down and away. Neku glances behind him, a little concerned, but
Joshua simply takes the moment of confusion to reappear in Neku’s lap like he’d
never left. “I love you,” he says, gazing up at Neku for his acknowledgement,
and Neku nods. Yes, he does, and Neku’s fine with it.
Joshua goes slightly pink, and pinker still as Neku strokes his face, but he’s
happy and Neku feels peaceful, Joshua eager to spread his mood. Neku almost
doesn’t hear his buttons click undone, and he glances down to see Joshua
sliding his cock out, slowly enough to be sure of Neku’s approval. Neku lets
out a chuckle of his own, and he buries his fingers in Joshua’s hair as Joshua
fidgets upward to get at his cock, too lazy to use anything other than psi.
There’s something to be said for the clumsiness of fingers, but this is nice,
too, the cool air making Neku shiver as Joshua rearranges them both for ease of
access. “I should get you off first all the time,” Neku says casually, “if it
leaves you this accommodating.”
“Mm, I’m rather selfish,” Joshua muses, glancing up at him. “I might just kick
you out after I’ve got mine,” and he gives Neku’s length a firm lick. Neku tugs
on his hair to keep from recoiling – ugh, cold! – but Joshua yelps and it’s not
the good kind of pain. “Be gentle!” he squawks, and even though he doesn’t need
his mouth to talk, he lightly presses his teeth against Neku’s shaft and Neku
nearly jumps.
It’s not painful, but fuck does Neku not want anything to even resemble biting
down there. “I’m sorry!” he wails. “Just stop being cold!”
Joshua turns his head to glare up at Neku, which, what? Neku knows he can be
warmer. “I don’t want to,” he says primly. “You know who I am; either accept
it, or leave.”
Fuck that, he starts to think, Beat’s never – and he cuts himself off. Joshua
doesn’t deserve that, and even knowing Neku didn’t say it doesn’t make it all
right, and oh fuck, he’s not dating Beat anymore, and – Neku kind of wants to
cry, actually, and Joshua’s looking up at him, stricken.
“I hadn’t intended to –” Joshua starts, but Neku cuts him off.
“No, no, I was out of line; I’m sorry; I know you don’t like – pretending –”
They stare at each other for a moment, both trying to apologise, but then
Joshua gently nudges Neku’s cock with his nose and Neku smiles. He likes
Joshua, really, even with his idiosyncrasies, and Neku knows it bothers him to
act like other than he is. He’ll get used to it eventually; Neku knows he can’t
expect the composer to be normal and they both want a middle ground.
He moves his hand back to pet Joshua just as Joshua turns back to ease back
Neku’s foreskin, and Neku groans. It’s still strange and not-quite-right, but
it’s Joshua. Of course it’s a bit disturbing. Joshua goes boneless at that, his
attention where Neku’s touching him even as he tries to work him over.
He’s still unnaturally cool, but it’s not uncomfortable, Joshua picking up some
of his body heat, and it’s nice. Lazier than Neku’d really hoped for, but nice.
I'm not one for working up a sweat, Joshua says sleepily, and Neku makes a
face. He might be lazy, but he’s got to put some effort into it sometime and –
Neku jerks up for a moment, spotting a flash of white above Joshua, but Joshua
pays it no mind as he nudges Neku back to grasp his dick in his hands and mouth
at his balls.
Neku jumps, but he has the presence of mind to let go of his hair, this time,
and Joshua sends him a flash of gratitude. It’s all over from there, Joshua
pressing his face against Neku’s perineum as he levitates Neku’s ass off the
bed, and Neku reaches down to guide Joshua into doing what he normally does for
himself. Joshua’s fingers are delicate and bony under Neku’s own, and it’s not
long before Neku has to hurriedly jerk them up to keep from making a mess.
He forgot who he was dealing with here, though, and he basks in the pleasure
before cracking his eyes back open. Joshua’s tapping his wrist impatiently, and
Neku follows his gaze to where his come’s hanging in the air. “I believe that’s
yours,” Joshua says with evident distaste, and Neku’s not sure if he wants to
laugh or scream.
They both take too much effort. “Gee, thanks,” he mutters, but Joshua’s still
staring at him. “You can get rid of it, if you want.”
Joshua snorts, and it vanishes. “Seeing as you saw fit to critique my body, I
thought you might enjoy the results of yours,” he drawls, and Neku glowers at
him. Is this really the time for that?
Yes, apparently. “You don’t diss my bodily fluids,” he says, “and I won’t diss
your body temp, how about that.”
Joshua nods sharply, letting his head fall back down, and it’s not long before
Neku’s playing with his hair again, enjoying Joshua’s reassuring rumbling. He’d
wanted a workout more than a lazy blowjob, but Neku suspects it won’t be long
until he’s up for another round. It’s funny: any other time and he’s done after
one orgasm, but stick him with Joshua and he’ll be up for more until he’s
satisfied. Wonder if that’s the bastard cheating again.
Joshua hums questioningly, but Neku swats at his face: he doesn’t really want
an answer to that. If being with the composer means he can fuck until he’s
bored, so be it. Plenty of weirder things he could point out.
“It’s creative energy,” Joshua murmurs. “Not sex itself, though that too can
be, I suppose, but – wanting to share your body with someone. The more trust,
the better. Cuddling is good, too ….”
Cuddling is good, but Neku still wants a good hard fuck, which that wasn’t. It
was nice, but Neku pulls himself up and stretches as Joshua eyes him with
sleepy interest.
“What are you thinking?” Joshua says, sprawling over the bed, and Neku raises
an eyebrow. “I’m clairvoyant, not omniscient,” he adds. “Just because I can
read your mind doesn’t mean it makes sense to me.”
“Scanning really doesn’t solve everything, does it,” Neku says, and Joshua nods
vaguely. Wouldn’t be much point in hanging out with him, if it did. “That was
nice, but I want to be left exhausted, Josh, not just pleasantly buzzed, and
not like you did with the toys.”
“Toys are nice,” Joshua says seriously, and they are, but …. “I like my space,
Neku; anal doesn’t really go along with that.”
Neku could’ve sworn he’d suggested it before, and Joshua shrugs. … Neku’d also
declined, though, so maybe it was just – breaking the ice, or whatever Joshua
had thought he was doing, not a serious suggestion. That would be like him.
Neku sighs. “Toys are fine, I guess,” he concedes, “but I want to actually get
you off this time, all right? None of that aloof unaffected bastard routine.”
“That sounds nice,” Joshua says, making no move to actually get his stuff.
Neku frowns. “I’m not – pressuring you, am I?” he checks, and Joshua blinks
slowly.
“No, it’s fine,” he says, smiling faintly. “I’m simply tired, Neku: I hope
you’re intending to do most of the work.”
Neku watches him, a bit worried, but Joshua just smirks and mentally nudges
him. Neku’s not sure whether he or Joshua moves him on top of Joshua, but it
doesn’t matter as Neku gazes down at him and lightly kisses his forehead. Neku
shifts and Joshua vanishes his own pants, then slides his hands down Neku’s
waistband and caresses his ass.
Joshua’s still sleepy and not all there, but he seems fine. It’s probably just
a consequence of ending a Game, and the thought’s less distressing than it
should be. One person has their life back again: that’s the important part, and
Joshua brightens a bit that Neku doesn’t move away.
It’s terrible, but every option is terrible by the time they get to Joshua. It
doesn’t mean Joshua’s a terrible person for picking one, and Neku … Neku trusts
him. Maybe he shouldn’t, maybe it’ll go wrong, but it’s his decision to make
and Neku kisses Joshua gently on the lips and Joshua melts underneath him.
(Not literally.)
(He probably could, though. If, you know, if they were into that, and Neku has
the uncomfortable suspicion that Joshua doesn’t think that’s a bad idea,
either.)
“I’m glad you’re here,” Joshua murmurs into Neku’s mouth, and Neku presses his
forehead against his. Neku is, too, and not just because there are so many
things he doesn’t want to think about. They don’t matter right now; it’s just
him and Joshua.
(They always matter to Joshua, though, and that’s just one of the things about
him. He wouldn’t be Joshua if he could let everything else go for a while, and
that’s just the way he is. It isn’t bad, either, even if Neku couldn’t live
that way. It’s okay.)
Neku grinds down on Joshua and Joshua groans, pleased, as he ineptly tries to
push down Neku’s pants in the process of firmly groping his ass. Neku cants up
to give him space, and Joshua levitates Neku’s legs the rest of the way to
remove them, weirdly proud. Neku sticks his finger on Joshua’s nose, and Joshua
goes cross-eyed, baffled, until Neku leans in to kiss him again.
What a dork, Neku thinks, and he cheerfully wants to claim all of Joshua for
himself, starting with his mouth, and Joshua yields to him in happy confusion.
Not all of Joshua has caught up to the program, but that’s all right, as Neku
reaches down to cup his balls and Joshua hesitantly redirects him to his
asshole. All right, then, but Neku hasn’t clipped his nails recently and Joshua
still hasn’t procured any lube, so Neku just massages the outer area as Joshua
squirms under him.
“I got my stuff,” Joshua says hurriedly, letting go of Neku’s thigh to gesture
to a bag next to them both, and Neku groans in dismay.
Go back to what you were doing, he wants to say, but what comes out is:
“Thanks.” Neku grudgingly looks through the bag, leaving against Joshua to
grind against him in his own disappointment, and pulls out two similar-looking
dildos. “You got any preference?”
Joshua nudges him to show off their flared bases. “That one, you program to
thrust, and that one to vibrate,” he says, pointing at the markings, before
taking the vibrating one for himself. “I don’t know your own tastes, mind ….”
“They’re yours anyway,” Neku notes, but a thrusting dildo sounds nice,
especially if Joshua can control it. “How do you program them?”
He holds it up and whistles a tune, then presses on the sigil on the base, and
Neku watches in fascination as it vibrates out the melody. “Higher pitch makes
it stronger. Simple, really. Any reaper can use them.”
Lucky bastards. Neku hands Joshua the one he’d picked for himself, too, and he
examines them before whistling them clean. “They’re pure silicone,” Joshua
adds, “so you can boil them clean, especially since they don’t have any actual
vibrating parts. This is easier, mind.”
Neku rolls his eyes. “Thanks, teach.”
“The composer who makes these doesn’t have a wide selection, Neku,” Joshua
chides. “It’s useful information.”
Neku’s still kind of astounded there’s a composer who freaking makes sex toys,
but then again, there’s clearly a market. Especially since composers don’t
generally get out much, and Neku stares at Joshua in horrified amazement. Does
he have these because – and Joshua looks as nonchalant as anyone completely
nude possibly could, and Neku’s trying hard not to laugh. It’d get him kicked
out of bed, but it’d probably be worth it.
Joshua’s eyebrow twitches. “Thank you for reminding me of my years of sexual
frustration, Neku,” he says, grimacing, and Neku’s in for it. “That was
absolutely lovely of you, and if you don’t get a move on, I’ll let you know
exactly how it felt, too.”
Neku tries to keep a straight face as he gropes Joshua’s dick in apology, but
then Joshua quickly wipes some cold lube down Neku’s ass crack and that’s still
annoying, Joshua! and now Joshua’s laughing at him. Neku glowers at him as only
an offended monkey can, but Joshua’s just as innocent as can be as he tilts up
to suck on the corner of Neku’s jaw.
Oh, hell no. He’s not going to get away with it that easily. Neku resettles
himself over Joshua, lifting his hips enough for Joshua to set the dildo
between their legs so that the lube-wet head brushes Neku’s asshole, and Neku
glares down at him as Joshua expertly inserts his own dildo up his ass, moaning
as he takes the length slowly but surely in one solid thrust. That’s Neku’s
job, to put that look on his face, and Neku’s half-tempted to pull it out and
do it properly, but then he realises that Joshua hasn’t actually turned it on
yet.
Maybe he’s leaving that for Neku to do, and Neku smirks at him and presses
Joshua’s cock down to his chest. Joshua’s beautiful like that, worriedly
expectant with his arousal, and Neku kind of wants to keep him like that
forever. “You’re mine,” Neku says firmly, “even if – even if. You’re my
jerkwad, Joshua, and I don’t care if people who barely know you think it’s a
bad idea. I’m not ditching you, okay?”
“Now how can I argue with that,” Joshua replies, dazed, and Neku yelps as the
dildo rams into his ass. He moves with it at first, slamming down onto Joshua,
but then he works up the nerve to push back onto it and let the head slide into
his asshole. It’s strange, and definitely doesn’t feel like a real cock, but
it’s not bad, and he has to remind himself to breathe as it works its way in,
leaving him feeling comfortably full, and Joshua’s holding him and watching his
face.
Neku smiles at him – he’s fine – and Joshua beams, pulling him close. It’s
funny how he’s so touchy and yet tries to be aloof, but Neku supposes there is
something very trapped about being tangled up in someone when one person’s
actually in the other. Neku grinds down on him, wiggling his buttocks, and
Joshua pulls him close, just in time for the dildo to pull most of the way out
and slam back into him, hard enough Neku nearly could come from that by itself.
But he doesn’t, and Joshua keeps the next few slow and gentle, and Neku isn’t
sure how to predict it, when to press back into it and when to thrust down onto
Joshua.
It’s a little bit like a threesome might be, he suspects, and Joshua doesn’t
stop him when Neku reaches down to grip them both, his hand and their cocks
already slick with lube though Neku’s not sure when Joshua managed that. Joshua
guides him into another kiss, and Neku belatedly remembers to turn on Joshua’s
vibrator, not bothering to give it a real pattern, and Joshua arches up. From
there, it’s a race to the finish, Joshua having him pounded hard as Neku keeps
shutting off his vibrator whenever his moans reach a certain volume, and
Joshua’s keening as Neku breathes hard, mostly silent.
Joshua fucks him through his orgasm, and Neku clings to him, both spent, and
this – this is what Neku wanted, had been hoping for. Neku pulls him into a
hug, unwilling to really move, and grips his back. His hands brush against
something soft and fluffy, and Neku just about realises they’re his wings when
he grasps them tightly and –
fear pain confusion SCREAM –
everything blacks out.
===============================================================================
When Neku comes to, they’re both fully dressed, and it takes Neku’s eyes a
minute to adjust. They’re in the lounge, and Joshua’s worried, looks like he
has been for a while.
“Neku,” he says, and more surely, “Neku. Do you hear me?”
“Y-yeah?” Neku manages. Everything hurts. More than that, everything feels like
it should hurt, but it’s – distant, unimportant. Like it happened to somebody
else, and the bottom falls out of Neku’s stomach. “What happened?” he says, but
he has an uncomfortable suspicion he knows the answer.
“You grabbed my wings,” he replies, feigning calm and not doing a particularly
good job at it, “and I – panicked. Neku, I –”
“You panicked?” Neku echoes, and please may he be wrong – “Am I dead?”
Joshua freezes, and fuck. “Not on purpose,” he blurts out. “Neku, I swear to
you, I didn’t mean it – I didn’t realise – Neku, I am so sorry, and if there is
anything I can do to make it up for you –”
He’s dead. Neku is fucking dead. Neku is fucking dead. “Revive me,” he growls,
and when Joshua opens his mouth, he says it again: “Revive me!”
“I’m sorry!” Joshua squeaks. “Neku, I am so sorry, I promise I didn’t mean it;
I didn’t realise it was you; I should have but it’s been a long day and I
wasn’t expecting it and –”
He’s not listening to a word Neku’s saying, is he. “Joshua?” Neku says, and
Joshua stops to look at him. “Joshua.”
“Neku,” Joshua says, voice small, and he buries his head in his hands. Neku
thinks he might be crying, or what passes for crying when you hate bodily
fluids as much as Joshua does. He’s shaking, and Neku … Neku goes and pats him
on the shoulder.
Neku just fucking died and his killer is more upset than Neku is. Something has
gone wrong in his life. “Joshua?” Neku says again, and Joshua looks up at him,
warily. “I believe you,” he says carefully.
“You do?” he says, and he’s so relieved he buries his face in Neku’s shirt.
Neku runs his hands through Joshua’s hair, and he’s so glad right now that
Joshua’s easily grossed out because otherwise Neku’d need a new shirt. “Neku, I
–” he starts, then pulls himself up a little, though Neku doesn’t let go. His
face isn’t red at all, though his eyes are wide, and he looks up at Neku like
he’s not sure if the light at the end of the tunnel is the oncoming train.
“Neku, you – why did you grab my wings?” he says eventually, evenly, and Neku
shrugs.
“They were there,” he says honestly, and said like that, it sounds like a
really bad idea. Joshua keeps staring at him, then buries his head in Neku’s
chest again. “I’m sorry,” he adds, though it feels like it’s Joshua’s fault,
all told.
“I could have erased you,” he mutters. “After everything, I still could have
erased you, because – Neku. You never grab someone’s wings without permission.”
Yeah, he’s got that.
“I have told you that,” Joshua says slowly, patiently. “I have told you that
multiple times, I believe, and – Neku. You never grab someone’s wings without
permission.”
Neku winces. “I thought it’d be fine,” he says, and Joshua stares at him
levelly. Well, yeah, he knows now, but – “You’ve let me at them before.”
Joshua buries his head in his hands again, though it’s probably for a different
reason. “You know that’s my soul,” he mutters, “and you know they’re delicate.
Please tell me you at least remembered I told you –”
Not to touch them when he’s high, yeah, Neku remembers, but he wasn’t high, now
was he?
“Any time you don’t have my full and complete consent, Neku,” Joshua says
flatly. “You just – you just don’t, Neku. I’ll – I’ll gladly let you do what
you will, but you do need to ask. Every time.”
Yeah, Neku’s – Neku gets that, now. “I’m sorry,” he says, and he means it, even
as Joshua’s looking at the floor in his own apology. “Can you revive me now?”
Joshua jerks back up and starts swearing profusely, flopping onto a sofa to
scream into a cushion. “The budget,” he moans, and oh, shit. “Neku, now is not
a good time; I can fit you in as a reaper, but another resurrection – can you
last until next week?” he says desperately.
“I have finals,” Neku says, and oh, fuck, he has finals. He has finals and Beat
broke up with him and he is dead. He is actually literally dead. Fuck his life.
“You have finals,” Joshua echoes. “Okay. Right. I can rush through the
paperwork for a temporary transfer, with complete access through Tokyo, right
after I finagle the budget to put you on the payroll, and you can get on with
your life until I can afford to revive you. Is that okay?”
“No,” Neku says, because really, nothing is okay right now. Everything is awful
and Neku is dead. Neku is dead from sex. (Well, cuddling after sex. Close
enough.) Neku is fucking dead … from fucking. What the hell is his life? “I
guess. Are there any other options?”
A long drawn-out sigh, as Joshua lists off on his fingers: “Unless I erase most
of my reapers to raise you right now, your options are ascension or erasure, so
no, Neku, there aren’t, not if you want to continue your schooling.”
Who said he wants to? (No, he does; he just doesn’t want to have to do
anything.) “What’s ascension?” he says instead, and Joshua’s wings slide out,
feathers puffed up in distress.
“I suspect you’d be approved for angel-hood the moment I asked,” he says,
flapping demonstratively, “but seeing as training takes a decade minimum, I
can’t see you taking it at this point in your life. Or death, as it were.”
Too soon, Josh, too soon. Neku takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, letting
that sink in. They’ve really fucked this up. “Reaper it is, then,” he concedes,
and may his friends forgive him.
Chapter End Notes
     Blowjobs, anal play, sex toys, and a terrible cliffhanger.
     I'm considering updating again on Wednesday to apologise, but I don't
     know how many of you read during the week! Clearly you should all say
     hello. Or not, and wait until Friday. It's not that big of a deal
     either way, I don't think.
***** Chapter 17 *****
Joshua doesn’t turn him immediately, though. It might be easier if he did, but
instead he pours over paperwork as Neku tries to relax on the other couch, and
it’s awkward. Their pact is active once more, and Neku feels it ringing through
the air, Joshua’s presence weighty in a way it hasn’t been in a while.
But then, Neku hasn’t been dead in a while, either. Joshua could crush him
without even trying, if he wanted. He already has once today, and that wasn’t
even intentional.
Neku sighs and raises his feet onto the glass table. Joshua’s eyes flicker
upwards, but he doesn’t pause in whatever he’s doing. Eventually he stops and
sets his pencil down, smiling up at Neku, uncertain. “Are you ready?” he says.
“I believe I have you set to feed directly off your district, rather than your
own account; you won’t have any required assignments.”
“Do I have to do anything?” he says after a moment, and Joshua shakes his head.
“Then yeah, go for it.”
Joshua nearly does, then pauses. “I usually have people unconscious for this,”
he warns. “This may be unpleasant.”
Nothing about this situation’s pleasant, though, so Neku’s less put off than he
could be. “I’d rather know what you’re doing,” Neku says, and Joshua nods. He’d
assumed as much, and – Neku’s glad he’s already sitting down, as Joshua’s power
flattens him, the pact ringing in his ears as the glass table and slowly the
rest of the room carries the same note. Joshua’s behind him fast as light,
tracing out the shape of wings, larger than they need to be so they can
condense down into the core of Neku’s being.
It doesn’t hurt, but it feels like it should, their pact and later binding
allowing Joshua to hold off the strain, and Joshua pulls together the cacophony
of Shibuya’s song around themselves. Neku could get lost in it; Neku should get
lost in it, only there’s Joshua to remind him he still has another role to
play. There are enough musicians in the orchestra already; Neku’s place is in
the center.
He doesn’t want to, though, but what he wants no longer matters in the face of
his district’s pure desires. And beyond his district is another, and another,
all throughout the world and beyond, each cell self-contained and indistinct
even as it works as a greater whole.
It’s too much. Neku is nothing in the face of it all, but it all works to serve
the individual, in the end. The whole may be greater than the sum of its parts,
but it’s nothing with a hole in the score, and Neku –
Neku comes to again slowly, impossibly small, but that’s as it should be. He
doesn’t need to be big to keep his world turning, and with his own, the rest of
it, too. Joshua’s licking him, and of course it’s Joshua; Neku has no idea how
he could have ever not known. Neku may be smaller than the dog’s least tooth,
but he would know his composer anywhere.
You're beautiful, Neku says, climbing up his fur with his agile hands, his tail
keeping him balanced, and Joshua laughs and the world changes.
Space doesn’t matter here, nor does time; all that matters is Shibuya, and
Joshua, and the little specks of soul that are under their purview, and they’re
all so loud and yet each and every one of them is important. They’ll never all
work together, but that’s all right; that’s what happens, and they and the
reapers are here to guide them as best they can, and Neku for a moment wonders
where Hanekoma is, too. Neku may not like him, but – Joshua alerts him to the
edges of their territory, Hanekoma’s power permeating the firmament of their
little world, too subtle for him to spot it by himself.
Joshua is beautiful, he’s the most beautiful thing Neku has ever known, and
Neku is beautiful, and – everyone is beautiful, in this world; they can help
people see it as wonderful as it is, and then it’ll be even greater. They can
do anything together, and Neku feels them fall into perfect synchronisation and
Joshua pulls him down.
He’s back in his body, then, cold and sweaty, and Neku’s going to be sick.
Joshua holds him through it, and it’s nice, his power wrapping around him and
reminding him of that perfect moment, but Neku can’t – Neku can’t live like
that. Nobody can live like that.
“I warned you,” Joshua murmurs, rubbing the top of Neku’s shoulders, and Neku
melts into it. He gets that, now: just close enough to his wings to be
sensitive without the kneejerk no, bad, wrong, and Neku knows with certainty
he’d fight anyone who tried to mess with them. Joshua doesn’t seem even vaguely
threatening, though, and Neku notices after a moment there’s no weight on his
back, though he feels them tense. “Becoming composer’s a little bit like that,”
he adds, “only it doesn’t stop.”
“You just get used to it?” Neku says, and he feels rather than sees Joshua nod.
“Shit, no wonder you suck at privacy.”
Joshua shrugs: it is what it is. “I put your wings away for you, Neku. Don’t
let anyone else touch them.”
“Just you, huh,” Neku says, and Joshua winces.
“Or no one, if you’d rather,” Joshua concedes, but Neku’s already in agreement.
“You’re young and inexperienced enough for it to be extremely dangerous; you’re
liable to hurt either yourself or others.”
Neku already got that, thanks. Joshua only, if anyone, and probably not even
Joshua for a while. “Do I need to be careful not to brush into anyone?” he
checks, and Joshua shakes his head.
“Intent is what matters, Neku,” he says. “If you hadn’t wanted to touch mine,
you wouldn’t have, and like as not the only reason you could find them is I
already respond to you. Your vibe is sufficient to keep them safe on your own,
my dear conductor; I only wish to make sure.”
Neku nods slowly, then barks a laugh. It isn’t a new endearment, but – Neku
really is the conductor now, isn’t he. He’s dead, Beat’s broken up with him,
and Shiki’s probably still pissed at him. What the fuck else does he have to
lose? “Hey, Josh,” he says. “Fuck school; I’m taking the job.”
And Joshua’s staring at him, but then he inclines his head, and – well, that’s
that, then. “I see,” he replies, and: “Come along, then.”
===============================================================================
Neku wakes up in Joshua’s bed again, and that in itself is nothing strange.
He’s comfortable to be near, even if it’s too damn early to be awake, and he
cuddles around Joshua as best he can.
“Time to get up, my dear conductor,” Joshua says, shoving him out, and hey!
“Get dressed; I’ve an important duty for you today.”
Neku groans, but then Joshua’s literally pushing him out of bed and towards the
shower, and he can take a hint. “Enough, already!” he yells. “I’m moving!” The
fish have no sympathy.
Neku showers briskly, and apparently being dead doesn’t stop him from noticing
temperature. Maybe Joshua’s just a jerk, keeping the place cool all the time,
but it means Neku wakes up quickly, and out in the lounge, Joshua’s already got
breakfast for them both.
“Eat, eat,” Joshua orders, and Neku glowers at him.
“What time is it?” Neku says, and Joshua rolls his eyes.
“It’s breakfast,” he says. Neku digs out his phone: it’s not even six yet! “I
don’t know what time your exam is, so I decided to wake you up early. Kouki
will be here in a few minutes to escort you.”
“I don’t need an escort,” Neku grumbles, checking his texts. Looks like Shiki
and Beat’re both worried about him; they probably should’ve thought about that
before ditching him. “And I don’t need the exam, either; what the hell do I
need an art degree for?”
Joshua stares at him. Neku stares back; two can play at this game, after all.
Eventually, Joshua sighs. “Neku, I know you’re upset, but you would regret this
later,” he says patiently. “Continue with your life, such as it is; I can
revive you in a few days, or you can continue on as a reaper, but I have no
intention of letting you destroy yourself over a few setbacks. There are people
who care about you, Neku; do not disappoint them.”
Who the fuck does he think he’s kidding? Neku already did. “They’re not going
to forgive me for this,” he states. “They were mad enough about you before you
killed me; this ain’t gonna help.”
“And so you’re giving up without a fight,” Joshua concludes. “I seem to recall
someone saying he ‘couldn’t afford to lose’, hm?”
“That was different,” Neku growls. Shiki’s life was on the line. The only one
who’d be hurt here is Neku himself, and Neku can make his own choices.
Joshua sighs. “Daisukenojo would hate himself if he found out you gave up
simply because of this, Neku,” he says, and Neku winces. “He doesn’t want to
hurt you, and neither does Miss Misaki. You’re going to your exams if you have
to be dragged there.”
Bit late for that, he thinks, but everything Joshua’s saying makes sense, damn
him, and Neku furiously shoves food in his mouth. Fine! He wants to get Neku a
babysitter? Neku’ll have a fucking babysitter, and he’ll take his exams, and if
he fails them all, it’ll serve them all right. Joshua chuckles, and Neku flips
him off.
Fucker.
Neku even tells him exactly what he thinks whenever his mouth isn’t full, and
imprints it the rest of the time, but Joshua won’t give Neku anything back,
damn him! He’s always got to take the high ground, that asshole, and it’s
fucking irritating.
“Then you’ll be glad to spend the rest of the week away from me, won’t you,
Neku?” Joshua says blandly. “Seeing as you have exams and all.”
Neku could punch him. Neku wants to punch him, only he’d probably enjoy it, and
that’s too much effort, apparently. You’d think being dead would make you less
sleepy, too, but Neku’s tired and angry and keeps yawning, and he still – he
storms off to the bathroom and washes his face.
Being dead like this is hardly a change at all, actually; he tries holding his
breath and can only manage as long as usual before he needs to breathe again,
and that’s – Joshua doesn’t breathe usually, so why does Neku? It’s weird, and
he doesn’t like it. He’s half-tempted to hide up in the bathroom and just … not
come out … but Joshua wouldn’t let him do that, would he.
What a fucking asshole. This is what Joshua wanted, isn’t it? So why the hell
can’t he just let Neku go along with it? He’s got nothing to lose.
Neku’s wings flare out and he punches a wall, fracturing the plywood. He looks
at his hands, checking for splinters, and he’s got claws now, how fucked up is
that? He slashes at it for good measure, and then again, trying to get a handle
on his new strength. On a hunch, he tries scraping at it instead, and then
spends a good ten seconds trying to get unstuck from the cheap material.
It feels good to break something, even if Joshua can repair it like it’s
nothing, and he snarls at himself in the mirror. Some of his teeth look sharper
now, but fuck it.
If that’s how it’s going to be, that’s how it’s going to be, and he storms out.
===============================================================================
Kariya’s already in the lounge, quietly speaking with Joshua, and Neku flips
them both off.
“Hey, assholes,” Neku growls, but they just turn to him with tepid interest.
“Can you save your talking about me to when I’m in the room?”
“I was merely explaining the circumstances to Kouki, Neku dear,” Joshua says,
briskly walking over to him, and Neku glares at him before he can try to dust
him off. “Property damage looks lovely on you, by the way. Very mature; I’m
impressed.”
Kariya glances between them and stretches out, his arms behind his head. “Kids
these days don’t respect their elders at all, do they,” he grumbles. “Saddle
up, monkey boy.”
Why isn’t anyone paying attention to what Neku wants to do? “I’m coming, I’m
coming,” he says instead, and Joshua gives him a quick hug, forcing Neku’s
wings invisible again in the process. Neku wasn’t exactly in a hug sort of
mood, but he hugs back anyway and Joshua nuzzles him. Yeah, okay, he’s not all
bad.
He’s still an asshole, though, even as Joshua murmurs into his ear: “I love
you, Neku; do well.” Neku flushes and nods: he will, and Joshua pats him on the
back twice before letting him go.
And they’re off, Joshua chuckling softly as they leave, and the sewer seems
less … sewer-like than Neku’d seen it last. It’s the same place, but it seems …
cleaner, somehow, and Neku can’t smell a thing. “You don’t have to do this, you
know,” he tells Kariya, following behind him, and Kariya laughs.
“Actually, I do,” he says easily. “The boss’d find out if I didn’t, and he
yells a lot longer than you can, let me tell you.”
“He does have quite a mouth on him,” Neku agrees, then slams his mouth shut.
That’s, uh, that’s probably too much information, but either the reaper (the
other reaper, he reminds himself; better get used to it) doesn’t notice or
doesn’t care. “I don’t even know why he thinks my life is his business.”
“He’s a brat,” Kariya agrees, and they’re already most of the way to the train
station. It’s kind of incredible, but that’s what happens when Shibuya’s in a
mood, Neku supposes, and he watches Kariya tap his foot and fade out, wings
vanishing. Dropping down to the RG, Neku realises; he still sees him but Kariya
seems unimportant, a blank space he can’t scan. Or … not blank, actually:
another part of Shibuya’s chorus, Kariya’s own thoughts hidden beyond Neku’s
power to hear. He’s watching him, and Neku belatedly hops down, too.
It feels wrong, and Neku stumbles. Kariya doesn’t catch him, just watches him
trip, but Neku rebalances himself and – his wings can’t come out down here, can
they. He’s ground-bound, and that unsettles him somewhere primal, even as he
readjusts to the immediacy of real life.
“You get used to it,” Kariya says, and Neku looks up at him in surprise. “You
ain’t the first newbie I’ve looked after, kid: the boss said you’d had a rough
week and ended up one of us, so here I am. You owe me, by the way: it’s just as
early for me, you know.”
“I didn’t tell him to wake you up,” Neku says, and Kariya laughs. Like it
matters? Neku’s a reaper now: everything he does is Joshua’s responsibility.
“Blame him for that, not me.”
“Oh, I will,” he says, and he stops Neku to hand him a ticket. “This pass is
yours; don’t lose it. Not that you can, but don’t try too hard.”
“Reaper perks?” he says, and Kariya shrugs.
“Officer perks, more like,” and they both duck the pushers and make their way
onto a train. Something in him wants to hop back up to the UG, but Kariya leans
on him, firm and supportive in his own strange way, and it – helps, a little.
This isn’t where he should be; this isn’t where he should be, and he knows
exactly when they leave Shibuya because the UG is gone, replaced by some
impostor, and Kariya leans against him a little more.
They’re still Shibuya, even if the UG isn’t, and if he listens – some of the
people are, too. Not strongly, not enough to feel right, but he can sense
traces of all of Tokyo around them. It’s crowded, but also lonely. Not many
other kids on the train at this hour, and as for dead people … well.
They pass the rest of the trip in companionable silence; Neku’s too tired to do
much else. They barely know each other, and most of it … Neku remembers when
he’d’ve killed Kariya in cold blood. They aren’t anything like friends, but
right now, Neku’s glad there’s someone who feels like home.
The reapers aren’t bad people. They aren’t good people, either, but neither is
Neku and that’s … that’s just the way it is. He’s so tired, and once they get
off, he – he kind of wants to cry. “I want to go home,” he mumbles, voice
rough, and he doesn’t know if he means Shibuya or his dorm or – a few weeks ago
would be nice. Before any of this happened, before Shiki and Beat got mad at
him.
(Before he’d come clean and told them everything, and what good is a friendship
based on lies? He meant well, but the fuck kind of excuse is that? He was lying
to them; of course they’re fucking pissed.)
Kariya looks at him and ruffles his hair. They’re the same height by now, he
notices; he’d always thought of Lollipop as something like an adult, but … but
he isn’t, is he. He’s just like the rest of them: kids who aren’t ever going to
grow up. “Kid,” he says, shaking his head, “I know you do.”
“School is shit,” he adds. “Fuck it.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Kariya says, “but you’ll feel better if you go. It’s
important to you, ain’t it?”
Neku shrugs. “Only because it has to be,” he admits. “It’s not like I need it
to be Shibuya’s conductor or anything, do I?”
“Nah,” he concedes, “but it won’t hurt to go for it anyway. We’ll all still be
here no matter what happens, but half the problem in your Game was that the top
brass was out of touch with what we were up to on the ground.” Neku jerks up.
“The composer’s one thing – that’s how it’s supposed to be – but Kitaniji?
Konishi? They didn’t care about the rest of us, and it showed.”
Neku’s going to be different. He’s going to try his best to care about
everyone, the reapers and the players, and even if he’ll need some distance, he
won’t forget they’re all people.
“What were they like?” he asks, because he should know.
Kariya sighs. “Tell you what,” he says, “you tell me when your exam is, and
then we go get coffee somewhere, aight?”
===============================================================================
The café they find has a reaper tag. That’s the only similarity to WildKat off
the bat, but it still raises the hair on the back of his neck to know the
Game’s played everywhere.
Even where Neku goes to school.
They play Tin Pin over who’s buying coffee, and Neku kicks Kariya’s ass, like
there was any other way this could’ve gone. Fuck yeah, but the moment they step
inside, Neku’s sense of who and what and where shuts off. He can’t scan at all
in here, and that’s – strange.
It shouldn’t be. He’s only been dead since last night, and it hasn’t been that
long since Joshua messed him up with that binding, but suddenly being alone in
his head is uncomfortable, like wearing a shirt two sizes too small, and he
can’t even feel that slight discord from being not in Shibuya. He likes Nerima,
and he should belong in Nerima, but Shibuya’s his home and there’s no shame in
remembering that.
“Welcome to the real world,” Kariya murmurs, and Neku shivers as they buy their
coffee and pick a seat.
Neku glances around. “Is it even really okay to talk about Game stuff here?” he
wonders, and Kariya shrugs.
“Not our district, so not our problem,” he replies frankly. “Don’t go in too
much about our own set-up, but anything else is fine.” Neku nods, and Kariya
continues: “The thing you got to understand is that the top brass ain’t never
going to be the type to stay RG any more than they have to. We got to live down
here, but – they don’t. They just don’t.”
Good thing Neku’s already wrecked most of his RG life, then! Haha, great. “I’m
listening,” he says instead.
“I didn’t know the old conductor too well,” he warns, “but he was one of the
ones in love with the idea of the RG instead of the actual RG. Too many people,
too many things to keep track of; sometimes I thought the only way he kept our
schedules straight was the Iron Maiden wrote them down.”
He’s serious, watching Neku over the top of his sunglasses as he balances a
coffee stirrer in his mouth, and Neku’s watching him, fascinated. Shades being
disorganised is … Neku’s barely thought of him as being a person, but he’s
already glad he asked. Maybe there’s something Neku won’t screw up.
“Kitaniji tried to be a good boss, I’ll give him that,” Kariya says, rubbing at
his head. “He wanted all of us to have a good time, but you kind of need to
know what fun is to make sure everyone else is having it, capisce? And that guy
could not find a hobby if it danced around him and hooked itself up to his
headphones.”
“Music’s a hobby,” Neku points out, defensive even if it isn’t about him.
Kariya waves the coffee stirrer animatedly, and Neku wishes he’d just had
another damn lollipop. “You can claim that sort of thing all you want, Phones,
but most people go to concerts, or are in a band, or some of that shit, you
know? The boss guy didn’t actually do anything about it; he just stuck on his
headphones anytime anyone wanted to talk to him.”
Neku glowers. “I’m not like him,” he states, and Kariya rolls his eyes.
“Didn’t say you were, kid,” he says easily, and yeah, sure he didn’t. “The
point is, though, kid, the last conductor’s only links to the RG were reports
and the math dork, and that ain’t healthy. Not even for us.”
Josh has even less than that, and he’s – no, Neku can’t even say that in his
head. It’s an excuse, and it isn’t even a good excuse. “You want me to finish
school,” he concludes.
Kariya shrugs. “Doesn’t matter to me either way,” he admits, “but the composer?
Yeah, he wants you to finish school, make some friends, do something with
yourself that ain’t all UG all the time. He ain’t particular; it just ain’t
healthy to go straight from RG to UG like that.”
“It’s my life,” Neku says quietly, and he’s the one who decides what to do with
it.
He could kick himself. What the fuck is he doing, trying to sabotage himself
like this? He’s such a fucking hypocrite. No wonder Beat dumped him, if he’s
pulling shit like this.
Neku pulls his phone out to check his ignored texts, and Kariya leans back,
satisfied.
how u holdin up? Beat sent last night, and Neku put off replying way too long
as it is.
Im getting by, Neku types back, and he’ll make this be true. He might be a
reaper, but – fuck, he’ll work this out somehow. He’s got to. I got an exam in
a bit but i should be ok dont worry.
And some messages from Shiki …. Neku knows they’re still not okay, but that
doesn’t excuse ignoring her, either. i kno ive been busy but u ok???? and hey
neku and neku why did u turn ur phone off????? Wait, but his phone wasn’t – oh.
He was out of commission for a while there; Joshua probably declined the call.
Ill be okay, shiki, he types, and: Im sorry ive been such a huge jerk to you
lately. See u next week sometime?
And then he groans, friend duties accomplished, and buries his head in his
arms, lying on the table. Kariya flicks him with a straw. Neku groans louder.
Just doing that took a lot out of him, and the day’s barely started. How’s Neku
going to do his exam when he can barely manage facing his mistakes?
… One step at a time, just like everything else. “You don’t need to hang around
me,” Neku says, and Kariya shrugs. “It – it was good of you to, though.”
“Blame the boss for that one,” Kariya advises, and Neku nods. Joshua really
isn’t a bad guy. There’s got to be some way to convince Beat and Shiki of that
if he tries, and maybe – maybe Beat’ll take him back. They can at least be
friends again, anyway. Probably. “He’ll have my head if I leave you anytime
soon, though,” he adds, and Neku groans again.
Kariya tags along when Neku heads back to his dorm to pick up his art supplies
and history notes. Even if that exam’s not for a few days, he might as well be
prepared. Kariya lingers near the door, which Neku appreciates, but even from
there, he’s got a pretty good view of Neku’s room, and ….
“Nice painting,” he says, eying the wall above Neku’s desk, and Neku glances at
it. “That one of yours?”
“No, it’s Josh’s,” Neku replies, and he pauses in his packing to look at it
carefully. It’s of Neku and his friends as they were when they left the Game,
and seeing them makes Neku’s heart hurt, but more than that – he pushes himself
up to the UG, though his wings feel sluggish outside of Shibuya.
It was so much easier to actively scan with a pin, but if he’s supposed to have
one, Joshua sure didn’t point it out to him. He stretches out as he thinks, and
his wings go, too, as the world shifts focus. Kariya’s behind him, radiating
quiet amusement even though his thoughts are a blank, and he can sense the
people throughout the building, but more than that … he knows exactly what he’d
been trying to accomplish with all of his work.
Not that he actually had something in mind for half of it, but even as muddied
as it is, he still knows what he’d meant. He returns his attention to Joshua’s
painting and –
Static, and the knowledge Neku’s the only one who could access this message,
and:
     My dear Proxy,
          There are a great many things I could say to you, but
          little enough you wish to hear, I expect. The concerns of
          the living are very different from those of the dead, even
          when they intersect, but rest assured that the UG always
          pays its debts, and I suppose I owe you a great deal.
          You died very prettily, by the way. I can’t say I expected
          you to give up at the last moment, but I must admit I’m
          grateful, so thank you for that. I still don’t understand
          why you would do that, but you always were full of
          surprises. What’s one more?
          Surprises are such a rare thing once you’re in my position,
          you know. I don’t expect you to understand. I picked you
          because I knew you could do what needed to be done, you
          know, and that you didn’t – I’m grateful, Neku, honestly.
          Please develop some self-preservation, though. You’ve too
          much talent to wait for erasure like that. I really was
          going to destroy you and my UG, you realise that? It was
          never a bluff.
          I hope you’re well by the time this reaches you, but if not
          – things happen, I suppose. If you insist on replying,
          check WildKat first. Mr H knows how to contact me. If his
          café happens to be closed by then, well, we’ve probably
          both been erased. I always did need to get the last word.
          Oh, don’t be like that, dear. Composers rarely last long,
          and I’m far past my expiration date. Mr H hit his during
          the Game, too. Everything since then has been borrowed
          time.
          We wouldn’t have had it at all if it weren’t for you, Neku.
          Thank you.
               Sincerely,
               Joshua Kiryu, Composer of Shibuya
It solidifies into a letter once he’s done hearing it recited, and Neku
crumples the paper. Did he seriously – of course he did. Of absolutely fucking
course he did. Neku collapses onto his bed with a groan, and Kariya pokes his
head in with vague interest. Neku flips him off.
“Josh left me a note,” Neku explains, and Kariya nods faintly. “I’m going to
fucking kill him.”
Kariya sighs. “That kind of note,” he says, and he plops a lollipop into his
mouth. “I’ll buy you a bowl of ramen if you punch him for me, whenever you see
him next.”
If Neku sees him, he thinks darkly, but – wait. This can’t have been recent,
can it? It wouldn’t really make sense for it to be, after all, and Neku scrolls
through his contacts.
Joshua picks up on the second ring. “Your painting was booby-trapped,” Neku
says without preamble.
“Ah?” Joshua says, and it takes him a moment to realise. “Oh, yes, that.”
“Yes, that,” Neku repeats. “Josh, maybe fucking take the suicide notes out of
things before giving them to me, okay?! You scared the shit out of me!”
Joshua sighs, and Neku could kill him. God fucking damn it! “It wasn’t a
suicide note, Neku,” he says, patient. “I simply didn’t want to leave certain
things unsaid if you decided you wanted nothing further to do with me after the
Game. Truth be told, I forgot it was there.”
Sure he did. “Sure you did,” Neku says. “Josh, how the fuck did you think I’d
feel if I’d gotten this if I did tell you to fuck off?”
Silence. “Better than if I’d vanished without a trace?” he hazards. Aaaaaargh!
“Neku, it’s a moot point now, anyway.”
“How did you even think I would scan for it?” Neku growls, and he gets silence
in response. “That didn’t even occur to you, did it. You just made me a very
nice painting and wrote me a letter and forgot to make sure I’d actually be
able to get it.”
Joshua huffs. “Any reaper could have gotten it for you while it was still
relevant, Neku,” he grumbles. “I didn’t code it to you until after you’d
punched me in the face.”
If he thought that far ahead, he should’ve actually removed the letter while he
was at it, but maybe that makes too much sense for him. He did take Neku
(extremely deservedly) punching him in the face as evidence that Neku might
actually want to be friends with him, after all. “I was worried about you for a
moment there, asshole,” Neku says, voice wavering. “Don’t do that to me.”
“I’m very sorry, Neku,” Joshua replies softly, and Neku growls.
“Stop apologising!” he yells, and he flushes. Kariya’s stepped out to give him
some privacy, thankfully, but even so …. “You never apologise for the right
things,” Neku adds, quieter. “Just – I want to know you’re okay, Josh. That’s
all.”
And Joshua sighs again. “First you want an apology, and now you want me to stop
apologising,” he drawls. “How am I supposed to keep track of this, Neku? It was
so much easier when you accepted that an apology wasn’t going to come at all.”
“Tough break,” Neku replies, and they both laugh. He’s still upset and his
heart hasn’t calmed down yet, but – it’s better. Even with the adrenaline
crash. “Josh, I just – I need to be able to trust you to take care of yourself,
okay? Don’t get yourself killed.”
“I won’t,” he says, and Neku wishes he could believe him, but then he adds: “I
have reasons not to, now, Neku. Please take care of yourself as well.”
And that’s not what Neku wanted to hear, but … Joshua meant it. That’s the best
he can hope for right now, and Neku can try his best to hold up his side of it.
“I will. I’ll talk to you later, okay, Josh?”
Joshua chuckles in reply, and Neku hangs up.
Hell of a thing to find when he has an exam later, but it’ll be fine.
Everything’s as good as he can get it right now, and he has time for a nap
first.
“Kariya?” Neku says, stepping back out to find him. “I’m going to take a nap
for a while; you can head back, if you want.”
He shrugs. “Might as well,” he concedes. “It’s your fault if the boss gets
pissed, though,” and Neku can accept that.
It’ll work out. Some way or another.
===============================================================================
Neku survives his first exam intact. (Well, no, but you know what he means.) It
even manages to go mostly well, all things considered, and he texts Joshua the
news. He nearly sends it to Beat, too, but … no.
Ugh, what is he even going to do there. He owes Beat so much, and if Neku
technically being the conductor was too much, he is not going to take the
reaper thing well. It’s temporary, or it can be, but the sheer fact Neku’s died
again at all …. Beat and Shiki are going to be so pissed.
Neku isn’t even managing to be mad at Joshua about it, and it’s mostly Joshua’s
fault, anyway. Neku’d never have died if it weren’t for him, but … Joshua is
trying to look out for him. Sometimes he’s shitty at it, but Neku made it to
his exam and he probably wouldn’t have on his own. That counts for something
right there.
(He wouldn’t have been upset if it wasn’t for Joshua, but it’s not Joshua’s
fault everyone else is upset about the composer thing. It’s a bit late for him
to get a career change. And he still isn’t a bad guy.)
Joshua makes Neku’s life so much more complicated, but Neku … Neku can’t see a
better option. He likes Joshua. It’s just … Joshua’s not someone where there’s
ever an easy answer.
Neku sighs into his pillow. He should probably go out and relax with his school
friends, but the prospect of the reaper girl finding out he’s dead is not
cheering, and he’s okay, really. He’ll heal.
Joshua checks in on him throughout the rest of the week, reminding him to eat
and asking about his schedule, and Neku’s sure he’d send him another babysitter
if he got worried. It’s a bit touching, even if Neku kind of wishes he’d fuck
right off. Neku doesn’t always want to feel looked after, but right now he
keeps doing a shit job looking after himself.
There’s not a good answer to that problem, either. Life was easier when he
didn’t give a shit. Letting himself backslide like he wants to would only make
everything worse, though. And then the semester’s over, and that’s that, he
supposes. Results will be up soon enough, but he can’t bring himself to care
right now.
It’s over with. He’s done.
***** Chapter 18 *****
He needs out of his dorm pronto, even with everyone’s relief and dread flooding
his senses, so he packs enough clothes for a few days and heads back to
Shibuya. He might not be particularly welcome at his folks’ place, but he
doesn’t need to be: Joshua has space.
Maybe he should inform him first. Nah. Joshua can handle the occasional
surprise, and what’s he going to do? Throw him out? It’s Josh’s fault he’s even
dead right now.
(And there’s another reason he wants to see him, too. Neku sure needs to
breathe a lot for a dead guy. And Josh did say he could revive Neku in a week
or two.)
He feels the spot of resistance again as he leaves Nerima, his wings cramping
painfully as he’s pushed fully down to the RG, but he gets through okay. It’s
unpleasant, but his blood just rushes through his head for a moment and it
passes.
And it’s infinitely better than being trapped by a barrier he can’t pass. Thank
fuck he hasn’t had to deal with any of that shit yet. Maybe he’ll get lucky and
Joshua could get him a keypin, just in case. Do those things work in other UGs?
It’s funny: he learned years ago that Shibuya is so much bigger than he’d
thought, and he still keeps being surprised at how small it really is. The
scale of the world … Neku can’t grasp it, can’t even get close. Even just Tokyo
is beyond him, really.
Shibuya welcomes him when he crosses back over, and he hops up to the UG
despite himself. Shibuya resounds with an earnest joy, and Joshua follows.
Welcome back, Neku, he sends through both text and imprint, and Neku smiles.
He’s glad to be home, wherever home may be.
It’ll work out.
He takes his time meandering through the streets, enjoying the sights and the
sounds, and when he tries to drop back down to the RG’s physicality, he notices
he keeps himself a fraction up. Not enough to be invisible, but it hurts to
shut out the thoughts and feelings of the people and he gives up on trying.
It’s nicer this way, anyway; Shibuya wouldn’t be Shibuya without the people.
He may have gone back a lot during the semester, but it’s still different when
you aren’t just passing through, and Shibuya likes him. It’s strange to think
the place has an opinion, but it’s true: the lights stay in his favor and the
crowds let him by, and he walks with a spring in his step even as he hardly has
a destination in mind.
He ends up picking up a few CDs as he window shops, as much for something to do
as anything else, and chats with the clerk. Most of the clerks he’d befriended
during the Game have changed jobs by now, but everyone in the Game shops seems
happy to see him all the same. Just one of those things, he supposes.
Kitaniji sold music, didn’t he. Wonder if any of it’s still in stores. Joshua
would know. Neku probably shouldn’t ask, but he would know.
God. Fuck. Neku’s half-planning to spend a few days staying with Joshua and
Joshua hasn’t even cleared out the room of his old housemate who he murdered.
Maybe … maybe Neku better think this through more. Or at all. He doesn’t want
to stay at his dorm, though ….
“Why do you have to make everything so complicated, Josh?” Neku says to the
empty air, but Joshua doesn’t reply and Neku didn’t really want him to, anyway.
Everything to do with Joshua and Shades is … Neku doesn’t know how to deal with
it, but clearly Joshua needs to, and then Neku remembers how fucked up
everything is all over again.
Joshua needs to move on, and Neku fucking has the guy’s old job. He trusts
Joshua, but shit: there’s a whole pile of issues there he has no idea what to
do with.
Well. He has one. Is Pi Face in town? he texts Joshua, avoiding his name just
to be contrary.
Minamimoto is, yes, Joshua replies, taking the bait, and Neku smirks. Joshua
needs someone to kick his ass into gear, and Neku can provide.
He starts making his way to the sewers and looks through his phone’s contact
list. It’s more detailed here in his district: it looks like he can call up a
cheat sheet of their bios for their recent performance and RG life, but the
whole idea of doing so gives him the wiggies. He’s just – he’s just jumping his
way into being their boss, and even if what mostly matters for the position is
Joshua’s trust, it’s still creepy. Fucking nepotism.
(Haha, fucking.)
Can you report down to the lounge? Kitaniji still has some stuff there, he
texts Minamimoto, and good god but that’s way too casual to refer to anyone’s
deceased friend. (More deceased.) Hopefully he won’t –
1 637 M36S R3M41ND3R5??? 5H17 Y34H!! he replies, and Neku rolls his eyes.
Nevermind then. He forgot that they’re all fucking assholes.
Well, it’s none of Neku’s business if they’re all fuckers, and he calls Joshua
as he heads into the sewers. “Hey, Josh,” Neku says quickly, “you might want to
–”
“– not be in the lounge, yes,” he finishes, and Neku sighs. Kind of rude to cut
him off like that. “I’d appreciate a bit of warning next time, Neku.”
Joshua’s clairvoyant, isn’t he? And as far as he knows, Minamimoto can’t
teleport. “It all worked out okay, though, right?” Neku says, a bit worriedly.
Joshua’d said he’s welcome ….
“It did, yes,” Joshua concedes. “Minamimoto likely won’t be here until after
you are, and you’re welcome as much as you’d like, but do remember I like my
privacy, Neku.”
“Josh, your place is my best option for staying in Shibuya right now,” Neku
says. “You might want to remember that.” Just because he doesn’t want to spend
the next week at his dorm doesn’t mean he can’t, after all.
Joshua mulls that over, though he’s not happy about it. “I may need to find you
a place of your own someday, then,” he says finally, “unless you happen to
enjoy running into reapers at all hours. I’m happy you’re here, truly, but it
can make things more complicated.”
Yeah, okay, he’ll think about it more next time. “I’ll be there in a few,” he
says instead, and Joshua chuckles before they hang up.
It’s not long before he’s at the lounge, and Neku goggles a bit at his goddamn
pair of monkey slippers. Confidence is the true key to any oufit, though, and
he boldly puts them on. They get a lot more traction on Joshua’s floor, he has
to admit, and as generally clean as the whole place is once you’re inside, he
doesn’t really want to wear his socks around here.
Especially not when Minamimoto’s coming, and Neku settles in on the couch to
wait for him. Joshua’s nowhere to be seen, of course, and even though he hadn’t
thought he would be, Neku’s still disappointed.
The composer doesn’t have to be visible to make his presence known, though, and
a washcloth appears on the table for him to wipe his face off with. “Thanks,”
he tells the waiting air, and Joshua sends him pleased amusement.
He lies back and watches the fish, contemplating putting on some music to go
with it, but right now it’s probably better to make sure he can hear if anyone
comes in.
“Attention all zeroes!” Minamimoto announces, his shoes clonking on the floor.
“The absolute value of the party has arrived!”
Neku cranes his neck over the back of the couch to look at him just in time to
see him lifted up and bodily thrown into the bathroom. The door slams shut and
locks itself, and Joshua appears next to Neku.
“I’m not letting him get his filth in that room,” Joshua states, and Neku
laughs.
“It can’t be too hard to clean it up,” he says, but it’s the idea of the thing.
Neku wouldn’t want anyone who’d literally been rooting through trash running
around his house, either. “It’s good to see you.”
Joshua smiles. “Of course it is,” he replies, and Neku rolls his eyes. “Did
your finals go well?”
“Yeah,” he says, but Joshua should already know as much. Even so, Joshua beams
at him once he’s said it, and Neku belatedly realises he was checking for
accuracy. “What, you don’t trust me?” He crosses his arms, miffed.
Joshua sighs. “My apologies, Neku,” he says, and he’s more sorry it bothered
him than sorry he did it. “It’s very difficult for me to adjust to not knowing
if someone believes what they’re saying. I wouldn’t have minded if they hadn’t
gone well, though.”
“So long as they went?” Neku finishes, and Joshua nods.
“You’d attended most of the semester,” he says. “It would have been a pity if
you didn’t show at the end.”
But he did, and he did fairly okay. “Thanks for kicking my ass,” he says,
meaning it, and Joshua relaxes just a little. He’d fucked up pretty damn badly
last time, but Neku might not have shown up otherwise. Maybe it evens out.
Then again, Neku’s fucking dead. Just because he’s still breathing doesn’t make
him less fucking dead, and Joshua winces. “I can resurrect you after you’re
done with this,” he says carefully, and Neku’s honestly a bit surprised Joshua
had meant it. He probably shouldn’t be – Joshua’s been trying not to lie to him
– but given how shit everything’s been, forgive him for not getting his hopes
up.
“I think I’m okay,” Neku says, and Joshua furrows his brow. “It’s not really –
it’s a change, but it’s not really a bad one.”
“Your friends won’t approve,” he warns, and Neku barks a laugh. What else is
new?
“I’ll deal,” he says firmly, and Joshua lets the topic drop. Neku doesn’t even
know if he has living friends in Shibuya; what does he care if they can’t
adjust? They’re not the ones who have to deal with it, anyway. “You should
probably get going,” he adds, and Joshua fades out.
Neku can still sense him in the general vicinity, but it’s Joshua’s own pad, so
that’s no surprise. Have fun, Neku, Joshua adds, and Neku settles in to wait.
Minamimoto comes back out eventually, and he looks actually clean for once.
He’s pretty cute, Neku realises, even if he did use Neku’s hair gel, and that
pulls him back out of it. Pleasantly damp or not, it’s still Pi Face, ugh, no.
“So I got to divide up Megs’s stuff, right?” he says. “Where you hiding it?”
Neku sighs and pulls himself off the couch. It’s got to be done, and he taps on
the wall until a door appears. “You were his friend,” Neku says, unconvinced,
“so I guess whatever happens with it is up to you.”
“Sweet!” And he dives in, marking some of the furniture with sticky notes that
he scribbles location names on to. Composer delivery service, Neku guesses, and
Joshua sends him confirmation.
This is so fucked up, but Neku has no idea what to do with any of it. Joshua
needs to not have a whole room as a shrine to Shades, but this … Neku doesn’t
think this is a usual approach to grief.
Megumi was comfortable with his potential erasure, Neku, Joshua says, and
Minamimoto perks up even though Neku’s pretty sure that was private. He had no
regrets, nor would he have wished anyone else to.
It’s still creepy, Neku thinks, and even moreso as Minamimoto cheers while
rooting through Kitaniji’s collection of albums. Maybe it’s good his friend
doesn’t mind that he’s dead – more dead – and he’d been erased a while ago, but
it feels callous.
But then, what do dead people need to mourn for? Maybe he really is happier in
his new life. What does Neku know?
And then a jacket hits Neku in the face. “This looks like it’s in your domain,”
Minamimoto says firmly, and Neku pulls it off his head. Ugh, Hip Snake.
“Thanks,” he grumbles, and the reaper goes back to sorting through Kitaniji’s
closet for stuff to steal. Uh, claim. “Do I still need to be here or are we all
good?”
“We’re golden,” he says cheerily, and Joshua sends confirmation, so Neku bolts
out back to the lounge.
It’s so much easier to breathe out here, once he’s away from the remnants of
Kitaniji’s power permeating everything, and he gets himself a drink from the
bar to wash it out. He then pours himself a cup of water and splashes it on his
face: he needs it.
That guy is dead and gone, and Neku’s kind of glad Joshua’ll no longer be
harboring a shrine to him. Maybe that room was less sterile and blank when
Kitaniji still used it, but Neku doubts it: Shades just … probably was just as
empty while he was still moving around. It’s kind of terrifying.
Joshua pings him, and Neku perks up. He ducks through the bathroom on the way
to Joshua’s room (the better to keep Pi Face from sneaking up on him) before
collapsing down onto Joshua’s bed, belly first. “I’m so glad I’m not Kitaniji,”
Neku says, and even if it’s tactless, he means it.
Joshua lets out a huff of air and pats Neku’s head. “I’m glad you aren’t, too,”
he replies quietly. “Megumi was a good man, but not a very happy one.”
Not that Joshua was doing any better, Neku suspects. “I don’t understand it,”
he admits. “Did he just … not have a life?” It’d match what Kariya said, but
still.
Belatedly, he notices his word choice. Fuck it, Joshua knows what he meant.
“Not beyond the Game,” Joshua concedes, but it’s not like Joshua does either,
really. “You remind me of him sometimes,” he adds, and it’s not just the
headphones.
“You can’t replace him,” Neku says firmly, pulling Joshua into a loose embrace,
and he doesn’t think Joshua has been trying. Maybe he’d like to, but some
things are impossible no matter who you are.
You can’t change the past. You just have to deal with it as best you can.
“I miss him,” Joshua murmurs, and he slides Neku closer to him. “I didn’t even
like him.”
And Neku hates his family, but that doesn’t stop him from wishing he had a
place of his own in Shibuya. “Yeah.”
“Thank you,” he adds, “for moving his stuff out. I’ll take care of the rest
once Minamimoto leaves.”
“Would he be happy?” he has to ask. It’s strange to him, but so much of this
is.
And Joshua hums, pressing himself to Neku as he weighs it out. “Shibuya is
safe,” he says finally. “He served his district and he left no loose ends that
could not be straightened. May we all be so lucky.”
That’s not really an answer, but that is happiness of a sort, and Neku relaxes,
gently petting Joshua. Joshua’s stiff, but he sends him an imprint when Neku
tries stopping. Awkward, not uncomfortable.
“I could revive you,” Joshua notes, lazily eyeing Neku’s shoulder blades, and
Neku’s wings slide out. Joshua makes no move towards them, but Neku shivers
anyway, the composer’s power raw on his senses.
And Joshua even keeps it carefully restrained. Joshua in full form would be …
Neku can’t even picture it. “You could,” Neku agrees uneasily. “You’d just want
me dead again later, though, wouldn’t you?”
Joshua wags his finger, and Neku stretches his wings out in unconscious
response, each tine vibrating uncomfortably under his regard. “I can’t say I
don’t prefer you this way,” he admits, inspecting his wings from a safe
distance, and Neku feels strangely naked, “but the longer we wait, the more
your soul will rehouse itself in your wings, and the harder it will be to
resurrect you fully.”
So he might not be able to go back. “How long do I have to decide?” Being a
reaper hasn’t been bad, is the thing, and he’d just have to adjust again later.
Unless this doesn’t work out; unless Joshua alienates him past where they can
repair, but Neku doesn’t think he will.
But then, he didn’t think he’d ever have these problems with Beat and Shiki.
Joshua hums. “I suppose as long as it takes for your wings to shrink,” he says.
“Your rank makes that difficult to predict; a wall reaper could be revived
after decades, while it’s possible for me to make you ineligible right now.”
Neku glowers at him, and Joshua continues, unruffled: “I won’t, of course, but
that is what would happen if you let me at your wings. They’re too beautiful
for you to not use them properly, not if you’re trusting me to help.”
Well, that’s charming. Neku tenses, and Joshua runs his fingers along Neku’s
jaw. Neku shivers, but whether from nerves or Joshua’s cold hands are anyone’s
guess. “Guess I know what we’re not doing,” Neku mutters, and Joshua smiles
softly, brushing the hair out of Neku’s eyes.
“I’d refuse even if you’d asked me to,” Joshua admits. “Letting someone
manhandle your soul should never be done lightly.”
And yet Neku’s certain he’d provide his own wings the moment Neku asked. “I
trust you,” Neku says.
Joshua snorts, disbelieving. “No, you don’t,” he says, and Neku nearly snaps
down to his Noise form right there. “I’m sure you’d like to, Neku dear,” Joshua
continues, unperturbed, “but I’ve caused a bit too much damage to you and yours
for you to let me without resistance, and that – would end badly.”
And he wants to argue, he wants to prove to Joshua that he trusts him not to
betray him – but Joshua’s right and Neku knows he’s right. Neku doesn’t want
him to be, but – trusting somebody not to hurt you isn’t the same as trusting
them unconditionally, and Neku … Neku doesn’t. Maybe it isn’t fair that Neku
still has reservations, but life’s not fair sometimes.
That’s life. And death.
Sometimes people hurt people; sometimes people get hurt. You still need to
reach out, though, and Joshua … Joshua doesn’t always look out for himself.
“Okay,” Neku says, and Joshua unfolds his own wings, slowly and deliberately.
“Do you want me to,” Neku starts, then trails off.
That’s how he died. That’s how Neku died, and – it was an accident, and they’re
going to need to move past this, too. Now that Neku has wings of his own, the
thought of even approaching the power contained there is terrifying, explicit
permission or not, but … Joshua likes it, and he nods shakily as they resettle
themselves so Neku’s sitting up and Joshua’s in his lap, with Neku’s arms
shielding him from unwanted flapping.
Neku carefully puts his hand between Joshua’s wings and starts to scratch as
Shibuya roars, overwhelmingly loud. It takes a moment for him to work out
anything else, and he suspects he only manages because Joshua pushes it back.
The whole Shibuya UG is an extension of Joshua’s will, and Neku … Neku could do
anything he wants with it. It’d probably destroy him in the attempt, though.
You would need to take it as your own UG, Joshua says with a chuckle, arcing
under Neku’s hand as he scritches between each puffed-up feather. A good
composer takes input, but it's still my composition, after all. You merely have
-- creative license.
Creative license, with a Game Neku doesn’t actually help run. “You talk too
much,” he says instead, and the low sense of Joshua’s thoughts quiets down as
Neku works on preening him. Nothing seems to be loose, and there’s no negative
energy feeding off him, so Neku simply massages what passes for muscles as
Joshua moans in apparent bliss. He can’t feel the hard bone of the reaper wings
beneath the fluff, but Joshua squirms as Neku presses down to look.
He lightens up almost immediately, Joshua’s pain loud in his mind, but Joshua
sends him a why did you STOP until Neku reapplies pressure onto the spongy
material. Their wings are delicate, and Neku knows he could do some serious
damage like this, but he holds steady as Joshua whimpers each time Neku has to
adjust. “It’s okay,” Neku says as Joshua’s wing jerks, and again as he strains
up against Neku’s other arm, and Neku finally lightens up to simply pet him.
Joshua sends him an imprint of his gratitude, and Neku’s nearly flattened by
the strength of it. “Love you,” he manages, voice crackly, and Neku leans down
to kiss his wing.
He’s rewarded by a face-full of feathers, but at least Joshua’s happy. Really
happy, he corrects, as Joshua realises that having his moaning maybe-boyfriend
in Neku’s lap got certain other parts of Neku interested in the proceedings,
and not even knowing they’d left Minamimoto alone in the pad dampens that. He
thankfully doesn’t go for his pants, but Joshua sleepily pulls himself up,
careful not to dislodge Neku from gently petting him, and leans on Neku until
he acquiesces and lets Joshua flop on top of him.
He should be heavier, Neku thinks absently, but all Joshua’s weight manages is
the suggestion of pressure, a little bit like having a cold lumpy blanket atop
you. So not at all like a blanket, really, but Joshua nuzzles him until Neku
drifts off to sleep.
***** Chapter 19 *****
Neku wakes up a while later, still fully-dressed on Joshua’s bed, and Joshua
himself’s dangling his feet off the edge, keeping watch as he radiates
contentment.
“What happened with Pi Face?” Neku blurts out, jerking up. Joshua is clearly
fine, but –
“He didn’t pull anything,” Joshua murmurs, pulling himself up enough to flop
back next to Neku. “I moved everything he wanted, and he’s to donate the rest,
as is typical.”
So that’s fine, then. Neku hopes his supervision made a difference, at least to
Joshua’s nerves, but either way, his involvement meant it got done. You can’t
underestimate that sort of thing.
“Oh, a lot of my dorm mates went home for the week,” Neku says, “so I was
wondering if I could stay with you.”
Joshua raises his eyebrows, turning to look at him. “In Megumi’s room?” he says
drily.
“No!” he yelps, and Joshua chuckles. God, no, that’s not even worth thinking
about. Pass. “I meant on your couch, you ass.”
He slides into his dog form and rolls over, the better to watch Neku with
amusement, and Neku’s tempted to shove him off the bed. Oh, I suppose, he
concedes, but you'll have to do the grocery shopping, you know.
Neku takes his fist and grinds it into the fur on Joshua’s head, smirking at
Joshua’s whine. Bratty dogs get noogies. “And why is that, Josh,” he says,
faux-lightly, and Joshua quirks an ear.
I don't see the point in buying groceries when you're the one who needs to eat,
he pouts, batting at Neku’s arm with a paw until Neku lets up. Wings or no,
your soul's still keeping your body alive, while I can subsist just fine off
the district. You eat it; you buy it.
Joshua eats food, though. Neku has seen him eat food. “Explain like I don’t
know anything,” he says, and Joshua flickers back to human purely so he can
lecture.
“You’re still functionally alive,” Joshua tells him, pushing his bangs back as
he sits up. “Your wings’ current main function is to preserve your body as you
adjust frequencies, which also will coincidentally prevent you from aging
beyond this point, and to do that, you need a constant influx of soul energy.
Hence a reaper’s requirement for points.”
Neku inclines his head, waiting for him to continue.
“As your soul migrates to your wings, you’ll need a physical form less and
less, and eventually subsist entirely on soul energy,” he continues casually,
and Neku stares at him. “I still have one, but it’s – easier, to leave out many
of the details, and my enjoyment of food is more based on the imagination and
soul used in its creation than the precise flavor. A master’s ramen will always
be better than instant swill.”
So that’s why he’s still normal and Joshua isn’t. Joshua eats souls, sort of.
“You’re a vampire.”
“I most certainly am not,” Joshua says, affronted. “Humans produce more than
enough to share.”
And he’s pretty sure they make blood, too, but that doesn’t make them any more
eager to get chewed on. “Okay, vampire,” he says easily, and Joshua folds his
arms into a pout.
“If I’m a vampire, so are you,” he points out grumpily. “Simply because you
still have physical needs doesn’t exempt you from absorbing and refining any
energy you consume, Neku dear.”
“And whose fault is that?” he snaps, but he’s not mad and Joshua relaxes again
after a moment. “You’d better not get me stoned,” he adds, recalling that fuck-
up.
Joshua rolls his eyes as dramatically as he can manage, which is pretty damn
dramatic, considering. “You’re young enough a concert should only give you a
light buzz,” he says, “but I would suggest a chaperon, just in case. Oh, don’t
be like that – you’ll get used to it.”
Yeah, it’s just going to be utterly embarrassing in the meantime. “So, about
the soul energy,” Neku says, more serious.
And Joshua looks at him levelly. “One reaper per pay period per ten players,”
he recites off, “and one player per twenty noise. More or less.”
Neku furrows his brow, thinking about it: he’s an art student, damn it. “So you
want 100 Noise from me a week?” That’s kind of a lot, but probably less of an
imposition than while he was in the Game.
“If you have the time to spare? Yes, ideally, but you don’t have to, Neku: I’ve
already assigned overtime to cover for you.”
Oh, that’ll go over well. “Yeah, just give them more work for their nepotistic
conductor,” he mutters. “That’ll get them to love me.”
“All conductors are nepotistic, Neku,” Joshua replies, not unkindly. “They’re
selected based entirely on the personal preferences of the composer; you’re
merely unusual in the fact you weren’t in the reaper pool when I selected you.”
Does he not get it? “Which makes me a blatant display of nepotism,” he
finishes. “Please tell me you didn’t actually give out overtime on my behalf.”
Damn it, Joshua, he doesn’t need to be undermined like this.
Joshua stares at him a bit blankly, and Neku feels him nudge permission to
shuffle through Neku’s mind to make sense of this. Neku lets him, a bit bemused
at Joshua’s total lack of people skills.
Eventually, Joshua inclines his head in apology. “I did, I’m afraid; I won’t
repeat that mistake,” he says quietly. “However, I at least phrased it as
building up a surplus in preparation for the next Game.”
So at least they might not hate him. “Aren’t they supposed to be on vacation?”
he recalls vaguely, and Joshua hums affirmatively.
“It was optional,” he says. “I informed them I would count their points double
if they could scrounge up enough for a resurrection. Kouki and Coco likely know
the real reason, or at least suspect; I don’t know who else does.”
“Okay,” he replies, and again. “Okay, I think I can work with this.” It still
sucks, but he can work with this. They’re going to need better communication,
but it works for right now. “Are you going to save that for if I ask to be
revived?”
Joshua shrugs. “It honestly hadn’t occurred to me that you might not, Neku,” he
admits, and Neku’s a little proud. “What would you like me to do with it?”
“What are my options?”
Joshua holds out his hand to count off on his fingers. “I can credit it to your
account, put it in the general use pool, or keep it earmarked for your
resurrection until you instruct me otherwise. You’re exempt from the Noise
quota regardless; it’s simply easier for all involved if you can contribute
your share. In Shibuya, ideally.”
Well, that’s probably not going to happen. “Not sure I can manage that,” he
admits, and Joshua nods. “Try to save it for a while, but if something pressing
comes up, go ahead and use it; if I get sick of being a reaper, I can probably
wait a few days for you to build it back up. I trust your judgement, Josh.”
Joshua pushes his hair back, hiding a smile. “As you will, then,” he says, and
now Neku’s blushing, too. Heh. “You should probably pick up groceries soon; do
you need money?”
Kicking him out already, huh. “I’m fine,” he says, then realises: “Do you even
have money?”
Joshua laughs. “Anything lost and forgotten is mine by right,” he says with
ease, “and you’d be surprised how many ¥500 coins make their way into the
sewers. Chump change, of course, but it adds up, and Sanae diverts some of his
profits into my UG’s coffers.”
So that’s probably where their clothes money came from: it’s poop money. Maybe
a lot of it just got left on the ground, but the sewers are way gross and even
if Joshua’s cleaned it, it’s still probably touched poop. “That’s disgusting,”
he states, and Joshua shrugs.
“The glamorous life of a city composer, I suppose,” he says with a sigh, but
he’s not exactly bothered. “We get by all right.”
That still sounds kind of gross, but it makes sense in a twisted sort of way.
“So I know you don’t need to eat, but if I cooked, would you want some?” he
says, thinking about it, and Joshua nods faintly. “Give me some money and we’ll
go halfsies on it, then.”
Joshua pulls out a coin purse and hands it over. “Don’t get me anything
premade,” he warns, “but I can always call in a reaper if we want something
neither of us can cook, so don’t be stingy about it, either. It’ll all be eaten
by someone.”
“Right,” he says, and Joshua leaves him to it.
===============================================================================
Grocery shopping on a Friday evening is kind of a nightmare, but he gets
through it okay. Joshua’s money all looks new and definitely not gross, so he
goes right ahead and leans on Joshua’s wallet. Neku’s got more life expenses
than Joshua has – it’s just a fact – and he doesn’t buy anything he’d feel
guilty about charging to Joshua’s account. He’d offered, anyway, and Neku’ll
pay him back if Joshua wants.
After all, the money’s currently staying inside Shibuya. That should satisfy
Joshua’s absurd territoriality.
Neku texts Joshua a heads-up to take the food back to his place, and then adds
in a follow-up about what needs refrigeration, just in case. Joshua probably
knows that shit already and could find it out on his own, but he doesn’t
exactly need to eat: he might not be used to thinking of preserving food as
something real people do. Who even knows with that guy.
God. Staying with Joshua for a week’s probably going to be fucking weird
without even getting into the issues with him living in an inconsistent sewer.
(It’s better than Neku always needing a shower afterward, though.) And Neku
should probably check in with his family at some point ….
Ugh. He’s glad they’re covering his school fees – the better to show their
generosity and keep from having raised a NEET – but that’s a whole other can of
worms he’d rather not deal with. Maybe he can ask Joshua to convince them he’s
visited and they’re satisfied with him. (Haha, no. He’s not serious, and it’d
take more than mind control to get that to happen. Besides, sometimes it’s
better to be a disappointment.)
Hell, maybe he can get them to think he’s dead. He wouldn’t even be lying.
(That was also a joke.)
He makes his way to the park for the relative quiet, if nothing else, and
absently longs for when he could talk to Mr H about this stuff. He wasn’t any
more reliable then, Neku suspects, but at least the mere thought of him didn’t
leave a sour note in his mouth. He wants somewhere to run to ground, some
security he can’t describe, but … there aren’t many options like that for him
anymore.
He really, seriously needs to make some amends, but he doesn’t want to right
now. He just wants … he doesn’t know what he wants.
Joshua’s laugh floats on the wind, and he senses the faintest suggestion of the
composer’s power. He could keep himself out of it, he knows, but Joshua means
well and Neku accepts the gift in the spirit it’s offered. Sometimes this is
easier, he admits, and Neku’s vantage point drops as he scurries up a tree.
It isn’t his Noise form. Neku knows this instinctively: Noise devote their full
strength to combat, while this is for comfort if nothing else. Neku nimbly
scurries up a tree, his tail counterbalancing him naturally if unfamiliarly,
and upsets a few roosting birds in his search for a comfortable perch. A
knothole or a box would be best, he suspects, but this is good, too. Plenty of
people to watch around here, and Joshua ruffles his mane.
Tamarins like deep old growth forests, which this certainly isn’t, but that
doesn’t seem to matter to him. For all that Joshua is the composer, this is
Neku’s Shibuya and hopefully always will be.
You should see your friends, Joshua says, though he doesn’t materialise. Neku
nods absently, and he has the weirdest sensation of Joshua rooting through the
pockets Neku doesn’t actually have right now before being bopped on the head
with his cellphone.
Thanks, Josh, he thinks as he grabs it and fumbles with it inexpertly. His
hands are way too small right now, but shifting back to human seems like too
much work.
He’s a reaper, isn’t he? And he could use psychokinesis even as a Player. (What
he actually did with it isn’t something he should think about now, though. It’s
over and done with and Shiki’s forgiven him for it. It’s okay, or as okay as
it’ll ever be.) This shit is hard without a pin to focus through, though, and
Joshua doesn’t help him as he tries to get the phone to hold itself up. Neku
chitters in frustration and – ah, that did it.
Sound. Music. He should be used to this by now.
Im back in Shibuya for the next few days, he types. Do you want to hang out?
His hand hovers over the recipient, but he sends it anyway. He’s got to talk to
Shiki sometime, and … it’ll be okay. He reaches down and pulls his tail up to
stroke it, and it’s – it’s nice. Soft.
ok. where @? she replies, and he sends her a description of his current spot.
He should probably figure out how to change back, but it’s nice feeling tall.
He scrambles to the top of his tree, hissing at a crow who’s a bit closer than
he’d like, then carefully leaps to another branch.
He still has wings, he realises, though they’re hidden at the moment. Still,
though, he feels them catch the air as the thoughts of the passersby
reverberate through. Nothing unusual, and Shibuya’s wrapped around him enough
to keep anyone unconnected to the Game from seeing him, but he grimaces at a
couple making out in the park.
They aren’t even that into it, just two teenagers macking on people they can
tolerate, and Neku’s tempted to send them something rude. There’s no point,
though, and they’re having fun without hurting anyone right now. Not his
problem if it isn’t true love, just bored lust.
What Neku had with Beat was better than that, though. Beat’s a good guy, kind
and determined and sensitive, and he deserves someone who’d appreciate him.
Neku’d thought they were a good match … and maybe he wasn’t wrong, either.
Everything he’d loved Beat for, he still loves him for. It’s just … Beat
couldn’t deal with this.
Shiki might not either, Neku knows, and he fidgets as he hears her come close.
She’d prefer him human again, he suspects, but maybe he can show her the good
parts.
Look up, he tells her, and again with Joshua’s correction so she’d know it’s
him. She does, bemused, and he leaps down to the ground, staying small and
furry long enough for it to register, before he sends Joshua a mental nudge and
is returned to his human form. “Hey, Shiki,” he says, and he smiles like it was
nothing unusual.
“Neku?” she says uneasily, and he nods. “I thought I saw ….”
“I have a Noise form now,” he explains, and she furrows her brow. “Some stuff
happened, and it was kind of a mess, but … the monkey shape’s pretty cool,” he
adds, and he feels like a fucking loser. Joshua’s approach was way less
embarrassing.
“Noise?” she echoes, and his face falls. Probably not the best way to put it –
“I heard about you and Beat, but ….”
Fuck, he’d hoped Beat hadn’t told her. It’s not a surprise, but he wanted to be
the one to break that particular news: she was Neku’s friend first. “Joshua
killed me again,” he says quickly, because otherwise it won’t get out at all.
“It was an accident and he really didn’t mean it, but it happened and I’m kind
of a reaper now.”
What, he hears her think, and he scratches his neck awkwardly as he lets that
sink in. “You’re dead?” she says blankly. “Neku, you –”
“It was an accident,” he repeats. “Don’t get too mad at him about it; he didn’t
mean it and I’m really sorry Mr H was an ass to you and that I didn’t say
anything. That was wrong and you deserve better than that.”
She nods along slightly – she really does deserve better than that, and she’s
glad of his apology, but only in a background sort of way and he winces at the
outburst to come. “He killed you again?” she repeats, and he rubs his face.
“The composer killed you again, and you’re – you’re a reaper now?”
“It wasn’t his fault,” he says weakly, and he wishes he’d kept her out of the
loop, no matter that it never goes right. “He’s willing to fix it as soon as he
can fit it in the budget,” and never mind that Neku isn’t sure he wants him to.
She’s still thinking, and it’s hard to leave her to it but he’s got to. He
really fucking hopes Joshua knows to keep him from doing anything he might
regret. “Was this before or after Beat broke up with you?” she says, biting her
lip, and his silence is probably enough answer, because she continues: “I’m
going to kill him.”
“Shiki, it’s not that big a deal,” he blurts out, and oh, fuck, he’s upset her.
“I’m fine! Look, I’m right here, and I’m fine!”
“You’re dead,” she snaps, and okay, yes, he is, but it still isn’t a big deal!
“Neku, you died! You agreed to be his conductor and then you died, Neku!”
“I wanted to!” he yells back, and she goes still. He feels Joshua going tense,
too, at the edges of his mind, so he takes a deep breath and continues: “Okay,
I didn’t think it was gonna be this early or anything, but Josh hasn’t been
pushing me into anything, and it’s okay, Shiki. I can get my degree just fine
as a reaper, promise.”
But you’re dead, she thinks loudly enough she might as well be shouting, and if
there was ever a time to tell her he’s been scanning people, this isn’t it.
“Neku, I can’t believe you’re so calm about this!”
“Because it isn’t a big deal!”
“You died!”
Yes! He did! He knows that! “Look, if you’re going to be like this about it,
can you at least not tell Beat?” he snaps back, losing his patience. “He gets
really tetchy about reaper things and he’d take it the wrong way.”
“And what way should he be taking it?!” she yells, but oh god they’re in public
and they’re shouting and they realise this at the same time, flushing and
leaning forward in shame. “Fine, Neku, you can tell him, but you’d better
actually tell him! You have been keeping too many secrets from all of us and we
care about you, you know!”
“Well, fine!” He will tell Beat, and he’ll make sure he understands it
properly, and that will show her!
“Well, good!” she snaps, and he’s tempted to storm off, and he knows she’s
tempted to storm off, but neither of them want to back down and the air
crackles and –
“May I?” Joshua says, stepping out from behind a tree, and both of them turn on
him in silent fury.
He’s trying to force them both calm, Neku senses, but Shiki takes two looks at
him and punches him in the face. Joshua’s expression doesn’t even change, the
fucker, though he reaches up to feel his cheek and he lifts his shoulders
slightly. “I suppose I deserved that,” he says, and Neku kind of wants to punch
him, too.
“Fix him,” Shiki snaps, her finger pointed at Neku. “We didn’t go through the
Game for you to do this on one of your sick whims.”
Neku snorts, his wings unfolding as he lifts his shoulders, and Joshua pushes
his hair out of his eyes. “He doesn’t want me to,” Joshua says neutrally. “Miss
Misaki, I’ve already made it quite clear to my dear Neku that he’ll be human
again the moment he asks. Kindly do not press him on this; he’ll decide these
things in his own time.”
Shiki’s lip curls, and Neku stiffens. “And I’m sure you haven’t influenced him
at all,” she says, and even if she couldn’t be a composer, Neku’d love to see
her with all the power a reaper can bring to bear.
Joshua’s completely unruffled, though, just as he always is, and Neku feels the
ghost of his hand on his shoulder. “I have my biases,” he says. “I’ve never
pretended not to. His decisions remain his own, however.”
Like hell, Shiki thinks, strongly enough for Neku to hear it loud and clear,
and he’s weirdly glad Joshua showed up to defend him. Neku can make his own
choices. Nobody else has to like them. “You killed him,” Shiki says flatly.
“You killed him and he’s still defending you.”
It sounds so bad when she puts it like that. “I did,” Joshua says, still
neutral. “It truly wasn’t my intention, mind you, but I’ve offered to set
things right. Would you have me revive him against his stated interests?”
“Yes, actually,” she snaps, and Neku glowers. “Do you seriously think he’d’ve
agreed to this a week ago?”
“I’m right here,” Neku interjects. “What does it matter what I’d’ve done a week
ago?” So much has changed since then; he doesn’t fucking care anymore.
Joshua sighs. “Regardless, my beloved conductor is hardly likely to change his
mind if you force the issue,” he says, and Shiki wrinkles her brow at the
title. “I appreciate your concern, but you would have much greater success if
you wait for him to reach his own conclusions. As it is, he’ll like as not
remain a reaper longer out of spite.”
Neku rolls his eyes. “I’m still right here,” he says, waving his hand in front
of Joshua’s face, and Joshua headbutts him lightly. “And you’re wrong, anyway:
I actually kind of like being a reaper.”
“Case in point.” Neku flips him off.
Shiki bites her lip. “You might be right,” she concedes, glancing at the two of
them. “I still don’t trust you, though.”
“And yet you live in my city,” he replies, voice clipped, and Neku backs away
from him. “If I had meant you or your friends any harm, I’ve had plenty of
opportunity.”
That’s going a bit far. “Joshua,” Neku says, warningly.
“My apologies,” he says, mocking. “Simply providing some food for thought.”
Neku’s gaze hardens, and Joshua bows slightly. “I’ll take my leave,” he adds,
and vanishes.
Shiki and Neku both watch where he’d been for a moment, then sigh in unison.
“Sorry about him,” Neku says. “He does this thing where he opens his mouth and
words come out.”
She inhales deeply and closes her eyes. “I don’t understand why you’re dating
him,” she says frankly. “Beat doesn’t, either. It was one thing when it wasn’t
serious, even with him – things keep escalating, Neku, and I’m scared. You
died, Neku, and maybe that – maybe that isn’t too big of a deal to you or him,
but what does he want from you? What does he expect you to give? He’s the
composer, Neku, and he isn’t – he isn’t –”
He’s not safe; he’s not worth it. Neku doesn’t need to scan her to know what
she means. “He wants to be my friend,” Neku says simply, finding a spot to sit.
“That’s all, really, and he’s – he doesn’t know many people. He’s lonely –
like, really lonely – and he wants somebody to talk to who knows what he does
and cares about him as a person. And that’s – that’s me, I guess.”
That’s not all it is, and it does Joshua a disservice to say so, but it’s not
wrong, either. “So why you?” Shiki says, and Neku shrugs.
“He likes me,” he says, “and I like him. He’s funny, and smart, and he cares
about people, even if he comes off as a total jerk at times, and he really
isn’t a bad guy.”
Shiki’s face scrunches up. “Neku,” she says slowly, like he’s a child, “he
kills people.”
“They’re already dead,” Neku says quietly. “I don’t expect you to agree with
it, but he’s got a tough job that somebody’s got to do if anyone is going to
come back to life. And I … I can help him with it, if I want to.”
But why would he want to? That’s what Shiki doesn’t understand, and Neku … Neku
isn’t sure he knows, either. Because he can; because Joshua asked; because he
knows he could do it well. “You’re right, Neku,” she says eventually. “I don’t
agree with it.”
Neku slumps. He knew this would happen, but still, he hoped. “I guess we’ll
have to agree to disagree, then,” he says, and it’s an ending of a sort. They
might still be friends, yeah, but … it’ll be different after this.
And Shiki’s realising that, too, that there’s no middle ground here. “I guess
so,” she murmurs, and he kind of wants to run off and cry somewhere.
He shouldn’t, though, and Joshua sends him a bit of goodwill. Just because
they’ve got a rift they can’t repair doesn’t mean they need to burn the bridge
over it, and he awkwardly tries to change the subject. Asking her how she’s
been doing, and how Eri’s doing, and even if it’s not better and they aren’t
ever going to be the same, at least there’s still a ‘them’.
Dropping a topic stings – it feels like lying, to stop a conversation before
they’ve reached an agreement, but he knows damn well they aren’t going to – and
Shiki’s awkward in reply, too, but he feels better about it. He’s done what he
can.
And when they part ways, he makes his way back to Joshua’s place without
incident and flops onto the couch, face down.
“I hate everything,” he informs the cushion, but Joshua simply buries him under
some pillows and leaves him to his misery.
C’est la vie.
***** Chapter 20 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Neku still doesn’t know why a dead guy knows how to cook.
Correction: he knows why this dead guy can cook, and he can guess for some of
the reapers, but why does Joshua know how? He doesn’t need to eat. Honestly,
the food-free life sounds kind of appealing. No hunger, no dirt, no taxes ….
“We do still have taxes, I’m afraid,” Joshua says, and Neku glowers up at him.
Jerk’s got a Kiss the Cook apron on, and it’s the clichest damn thing. The bowl
of noodles doesn’t help.
“I’m not hungry,” Neku informs him, but it comes out as “I’m not mrrpfhh –” as
Joshua expertly shoves some noodles into his mouth and Neku nearly bites the
chopsticks. It’s chew or choke, and Neku grumpily forces it down as he takes
the bowl from him.
Not bad. Not the best he’s had, but not bad, and Joshua brightens at the
praise.
Joshua daintily sits down on the other couch, eating some of his own ramen with
bland disinterest, and Neku deigns to sit up properly. None of this was how
he’d wanted to spend a Friday night, but he’s on break. He’s on break and he’s
talked to Shiki and it sucked but it’s over with. If she doesn’t agree, she
doesn’t agree. He’d rather they still be on good terms, but … they don’t need
to keep that friendship going for it to have been important.
Things change. People change. He’s probably always going to look up to her a
little, even if she doesn’t approve of what he’s been doing. It happens.
“Knowing that doesn’t make it easier,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku nods. He feels
like shit, and Joshua – Joshua’s help kind of sucked. It might have been better
than nothing, but it still really fucking sucked and Neku can’t shake the
feeling he could’ve done something differently. Or that it’s all Joshua’s
fault, and either way, he’s just apportioning blame where it doesn’t belong.
Shiki is who she is. Nothing has to have been wrong for she and Neku to drift
apart. These things just … they just happen sometimes. And there isn’t always
something you can do about it.
Neku’s face is wet.
He wipes at his eyes and Joshua looks up at him. “Eat,” he says softly, and as
much as Neku’d like to spite him, he has a point. Food won’t fix anything, but
at least he’ll have eaten.
“I wish I hadn’t told her anything,” Neku says. “It’s terrible, and I know it’s
terrible, but still – I keep feeling like if only I’d lied better, this
wouldn’t have happened.”
“You wouldn’t have been happy,” Joshua says, and he’s right. What good is a
friendship based on lies?
It’s still a friendship, though. “Yeah,” he concedes. “I know that, and I know
it’s better this way, but still, I feel like there was something I could’ve
done. Some way I could’ve broken it to her, something.”
“Not that I know of,” Joshua admits, and Neku knows he’d cheated for that. Damn
mind reader. “She hates the UG. Most people do.”
“I don’t,” Neku says honestly, like it means anything, and Joshua smiles. It
means something to him, at least.
Of course it does: Joshua is the UG. Shiki was never going to like him, and
it’s hard enough staying friends with Shiki when Neku hates Eri without her
also hating Joshua. Loving your friends doesn’t make it any easier when you
loathe the people important to them, and Neku viciously burrows his face in his
bowl to keep Joshua from seeing his expression.
He’s going to have to reach some kind of understanding with Hanekoma. Maybe not
immediately, but it’ll be worse the longer he puts it off and it’s not fair to
either Joshua or himself for them to be on eggshells all the time about him.
Hanekoma might be a total fucking asshole, but he cares about Joshua in his own
shitty way, and even if it’s just for how Joshua can best serve Shibuya …
that’s one of Joshua’s priorities, too.
There’s common ground. There has to be. They just need to find it.
And Joshua’s watching him, alert. “I owe Sanae a great deal,” he warns him. “I
don’t expect you to trust him, but you can trust that everything he does, he
does for Shibuya’s sake.”
“Or for his own,” Neku has to say, but Joshua shakes his head.
“He isn’t infallible, but even when he acts selfishly, he believes it’s for
Shibuya, do you see?” he says, stirring his noodles. “Convince him of your
loyalty to my district, and he’ll put his personal preferences aside. So long
as you frame your studies as improving your skills to spread Shibuya’s
influence, he’ll warm back up to you, in the end.”
Neku curls his lip. Overt manipulation really isn’t his thing, but he also
can’t afford to fuck this up. “Does he know you’d tell me this?” he says
eventually.
“Of course,” Joshua replies. “He’ll know if you’re lying, also, but it’s hardly
lying to pick the phrasing to appeal to your audience. He’ll appreciate the
effort, if nothing else.”
It’s still manipulation. Why can’t he just stick to the truth? … because
Hanekoma doesn’t respect the truth. “I don’t like it,” he says, even as he
thinks of what Hanekoma does respect.
“You don’t have to like it,” Joshua says. “Sanae wants to like you; I’m simply
informing you of what would make that easier. It doesn’t matter if your reasons
and the reasons you tell him are the same, so long as they’re true. Sanae is
much more likely to be swayed by explaining how what you want to do benefits my
district than by anything else you might say to him.”
And Joshua probably thinks like this about Neku, too. Neku shivers and shoves
more noodles in his mouth.
Joshua slides back into his seat and sighs. “I know what I want and how to get
it, Neku,” he says. “I’m sorry that bothers you.”
“I just wish you were ever straightforward,” Neku mutters. It’d be so much
easier to trust him if there wasn’t always this undercurrent of what’s he
trying to get from this. Even if Neku knows it isn’t anything bad and Joshua
would tell him if he asked. He still can’t stop from wondering.
He mentally reaches out to get a read of him, but Joshua isn’t offended. He
even leans into it, and the sound of the city he wears as a cloak overwhelms
Neku for a moment, before Joshua pulls him close and under his wing. Still not
physically, but it doesn’t need to be physical to still be true.
Joshua sets his bowl down and stands up, eyeing Neku’s couch until he slides
over to make room so he can sit down. Neku frowns at him for a moment, then
puts his own bowl on the table and pulls him close. “I’m sorry, Neku,” Joshua
murmurs, and Neku pets his hair. “I understand how you think, but I haven’t
lied to you. Well, not recently, anyway.”
Not recently? Neku mouths, but Joshua just chuckles. “How do I think, then?” he
says instead, and Joshua leans on him.
“You’re stubborn,” Joshua says, “and often contrary, especially if you feel
like you aren’t being listened to. You’re at your best when you’ve someone to
prove wrong, you know.”
And that seems like it should be an insult, but Joshua’s bursting with earnest
pride. “So what would you do if you wanted something from me?” he says, smiling
a little.
Joshua hums, pretending to think about it. “Act like I think it’s too difficult
for you, or feign reluctance, so you put all your energy and spite into it, I
suppose,” he says lightly. “But you knew that already, of course.”
Did he? … hell, it’s the second week all over again. “You seriously are the
biggest jerk I know,” Neku informs him, but Joshua simply presses closer. “You
haven’t been doing that,” Neku realises, and Joshua relaxes as Neku keeps up
the petting.
“You’d hate me when you realised,” Joshua replies absently, “which was the
point at the time. Now, it’s easier to lay it out for you and let you draw
conclusions in your own time. Which is a ploy in its own, I suppose.”
Manipulation through honesty. Of course. Neku snorts. “Yeah, people tend to
like you more when you treat them with respect,” he says, and Joshua nods
fractionally.
“Is it still respect when it’s out of self-interest?” Joshua asks, and Neku
doesn’t know. “Miss Misaki isn’t wrong, though she lacks tact: I’m exceedingly
dangerous, and though I – I don’t want you to –” He falls silent, and Neku
pulls him into a hug.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Neku says, and Joshua clings. He’s absolutely
terrified – Neku doesn’t need to scan him to know that – and Neku might’ve just
fought with one of his friends, but Joshua must’ve known the whole time that
Neku could’ve resolved it by telling him to revive him and then go fuck
himself. And Neku might not be going to do that, but knowing that and believing
it are two separate things.
“I’m sorry,” Joshua says again, burying his head into Neku’s chest. “You’re –
you’re the one who had a bad day, and I shouldn’t –”
Neku shushes him. “I don’t have a monopoly on feeling like shit,” he says, and
Joshua shudders as Neku pats him on the back, then quickly moves his hands down
past where his wings go. “I know it might be easier if I did, but I’m not going
anywhere, Joshua. Trust your partner, right?”
“I trust you, Neku,” he mumbles into Neku’s shirt, “but they’re your partners,
too.” And Joshua knows bone-deep there’s no way he can outweigh both of them.
And he doesn’t. Neku kisses the back of Joshua’s neck, and Joshua jerks up.
“And I trust them, too,” Neku says, “but they aren’t trusting me right now, and
I’m still not going to ditch you, okay? And they’ll find out later that I was
right to stick by you, so you don’t need to worry.”
Joshua grunts acknowledgement, then pulls back to see Neku’s face. “My Neku has
a vengeful streak, I see,” he says with pride, and Neku smiles at him.
“Spite’s a powerful motivator,” he replies, and Joshua rests his forehead
against Neku’s chest. “And my Joshua has taught me a bit about getting things
done.”
“So I did,” Joshua acknowledges, and he tilts his head up to kiss Neku’s neck.
I love you, Neku, he says, and Neku squeezes his waist to stave off some of
Joshua’s desperation.
He’s so, so scared, and Neku’s completely drained, and there isn’t any way to
fix this, really. Not without leaving Joshua alone to crash by himself, and
Neku can’t do that when he’s trying so hard to pull himself together. It
wouldn’t be right.
Neku, my love, Joshua says fervently, you would hardly be the first to
prioritise your happiness over someone else's, and there is nothing wrong with
doing so. I am grateful beyond words, but there would be no shame in listening
to your living friends, nor should there be. But -- thank you, Neku, so much
more than I can say.
“Then don’t say it,” Neku replies, and Joshua laughs.
“Very well,” he says, and that’s all the warning Neku gets before Joshua’s face
crashes into Neku’s own as he pushes Neku down onto the couch. It isn’t a good
kiss, Joshua’s selective intangibility the only thing keeping their teeth from
clinking together, but Joshua’s enthusiastic and Neku welcomes him.
He’s such a dork. Joshua might be the friendly neighborhood god of the dead,
but as he laughs into Neku’s mouth and wiggles his tongue in relief, Neku can’t
help but remember this is also the guy who’s conversational about a kid’s show.
Neku just can’t be scared of him, not really.
Joshua’s hands venture up Neku’s shirt, and Neku’s tempted to do likewise, only
the damn apron is in the way. Maybe he can just untie it – hell, what kinds of
knots does he even use?!
“Oops,” Joshua says insincerely, phasing through it so Neku can pull it off
him. “I enjoyed braiding it together too much to remember your restrictions.”
“Just don’t do that to my shoelaces,” Neku growls, and Joshua turns thoughtful.
He really shouldn’t be giving him ideas.
Joshua grins and stands up as Neku whines. No, move closer. “Imagine telling
people Shibuya’s composer ties your shoelaces together. A true menace.”
“You might trip everybody,” Neku says, and it is pretty ridiculous, put like
that. Oh no, Joshua really is dangerous and untrustworthy and all sorts of
other things besides.
Joshua pulls his shirt off with a flourish, and Neku’s kind of jealous even as
he scrambles to remove his own. He bites his lip, not sure if Joshua wants his
pants off, too, but Joshua instead gestures to the bathroom gallantly. “I’ve no
objection to my city’s dirt,” he says, “but I suspect you might.”
Neku nods, ears warming. “Yeah,” he manages, and he scarfs down the rest of his
forgotten noodles before hurrying along.
He half-expects Joshua to be planning shower sex, but as soon as Neku’s nude
and washing and Joshua slides in, he realizes how bad of an idea that would be.
It’s cramped enough just standing there; there’s no way fucking in it would be
comfortable.
“Here, let me,” Joshua says, and Neku turns around on his indication as Joshua
starts massaging his scalp and Neku’s legs turn to jelly. It’s alarmingly
intimate, even as Joshua is businesslike about removing Neku’s hair product,
and Neku swallows before reminding himself to clean off.
Someone else’s fingers in his hair. No wonder Joshua likes being pet so much:
Neku groans as he presses into it, and he wonders if Joshua’s floating or
working without mundane vision as he carefully cleans his bangs.
“Just fuck me already,” Neku says, suddenly wishing Joshua would massage his
back, too, and he hears a familiar chuckle as Joshua presses against him and
daintily grips his cock. Neku looks down, Joshua’s delicate fingers beautiful
against him, and Joshua takes the opportunity to rest his chin on Neku’s
shoulder.
“You’re a good boy,” Joshua murmurs as he jerks him off. “Such a good boy, and
I’m grateful for each day you decide to spend with me, Neku, my love. You don’t
know how I –” and he cuts himself off, self-conscious even as he continues with
the sweet nothings as Neku appreciates the contact and lets him take care of
it.
Neku kind of wishes it was more than a handjob, but it’s nice all the same, the
water rushing over them as Joshua holds him close, rumbling with contentment.
And when Neku comes, Joshua holds him there for a moment, placing a kiss at the
top of Neku’s spine. “I love you,” he says, and Neku nods.
“Yeah,” Neku responds, and he’s left with the impression of Joshua’s wan smile
as he fades out, leaving Neku to finish by himself. He takes his time drying
off, fluffing up his hair and leaving it in its natural state, and he makes
faces at an unamused pufferfish before slipping into the outfit Joshua had left
for him.
It’s one of the ones Neku had packed, a tattered jacket to go with a punk
dress, and Neku peruses Joshua’s cabinets to find a cute ponytail holder. His
hair isn’t really long enough for it, but even so, Neku looks nice. He makes a
few faces in the mirror, noting that Joshua’d repaired the wall since his
tantrum, then heads back out to the lounge.
Joshua’s sprawled over a couch, wings out as he wears only the slacks he’d had,
and Neku stares at him accusingly. “You wore those in the shower,” he says, and
Joshua inclines an eyebrow.
“Should I not have?” he replies, and Neku snorts.
“Guess it doesn’t matter if it’s you,” he mutters, and he storms off to look at
the jukebox. It’s responsive enough, and Neku hears the faint hum of power that
must be Joshua working as Neku puts together a playlist. There isn’t really all
that much to do here, but that’s all right. Once he’s got some music on, Neku
goes off to grab his sketchbook and get some work done himself. The semester
might be over, but that’s no excuse to let himself fall out of practice.
For his part, Joshua doesn’t interrupt, though there’s even odds if he’s still
there whenever Neku looks back over at him. His wings twitch like he senses him
regardless; Neku supposes he’s probably just slipping past his visual
perception.
Joshua doesn’t really need a body. It’s weird to think of what that might mean.
Neku didn’t spend long where all Shibuya is soul and imagination, but he
remembers that glimpse, and Joshua …
They aren’t even the same order of being. Who does Neku even think he is,
trying to be friends with him like that? Neku’s just a human boy. Or, well,
nearly human.
I love you, Joshua says quietly, and Neku’s shoulders hunch up as he buries
himself back in his sketchbook. Maybe he does, but it’s – strange.
They don’t have the same experiences, the same values. They don’t even live on
the same plane. But then, Joshua’s alone on his frequency. It’s just him and
Hanekoma, and Hanekoma is … Neku’s lip curls in distaste.
Sanae's as high above me as I was above Megumi, Joshua says. Composers are
always alone in the end, though I suspect you might end up in the same key as
me. If you wish to, that is.
Neku grunts. “I like my body,” he says, and Joshua sends him a sad note of
acknowledgement. He thought as much, though he wished it were otherwise.
He fades back into view, and Neku looks up. The composer in all their glory,
light crackling over their regal androgyny, but even godhood can’t dispel
nervousness. “I thought seeing you with wings would be one of the most
beautiful things I’d ever see,” Joshua confesses in his own voice, though Neku
hears the static and city-noise under it, “and it is, truly, but I cannot help
but feel as though I’m wronging you by letting you stay one of my reapers. My
city is a glorious one, but … but you are young, and it is not for the likes of
me to stifle you so.”
Neku stands up. Walks over to the composer, and pulls their face close. “You’ve
made it very clear I have an out,” he tells them, and carefully leans forward
to give them a kiss. The contact burns, and Neku can sense them watching for
signs of corrosion, but Neku thinks he’s fine. For now, anyway.
The composer chuckles, and their breath tastes of smog and the city. Well, they
are Shibuya, and Neku doesn’t mind. He’s tempted to try squeezing their ass,
too, but the composer grabs his hand as soon as the thought crosses his mind.
“You cling to life too much to court me, young conductor,” they say, and Neku
snatches his hand back. There’s an ashen hand print where the composer had
touched him, and he sees a flash of wings before they settle down back into
Joshua.
“Josh,” Neku says quietly, and he watches Joshua brush himself off.
“Neku,” he says back. Neku rubs at his face, mindful of the soot from their
kiss. “Shibuya would erase me for a chance at you, did you know?”
He grimaces. “I wouldn’t make a good composer,” he says honestly. “You’re much
better at it.”
Joshua flexes his wings, turning so Neku can see their pristine iridescence.
“Shibuya would teach you, mould you into its own image, just as every district
has done to its composer. We have our own wills and selves, to be sure, but by
the time we approach retirement, we’re a composite of what our districts wanted
around a frail human core. And I am – dated.”
“Maybe you just need a reboot,” he replies, not sure what else to say.
“Reinvent yourself, keep up with the times. Get a good computer.”
Joshua’s wings flutter as he watches the fish swimming, his back to Neku.
“Easier said than done,” he says, “even the last: the UG hasn’t worked out
internet service yet. Neku?”
“Yeah?”
“Why are you here?”
What kind of question is that? “I like you, doofus,” he says, and Joshua just
looks at him. “Even when you’re being mopey.”
“I have nothing to offer you,” he murmurs. “My power, my knowledge – you don’t
need any of it, and there’s nothing you can get from me that you couldn’t get
elsewhere. Why are you here, Neku?”
He shuffles, his own wings solidifying. “Because I like you,” he says simply.
“I could make other friends, sure, and some of them might even have some of
your interests or sense of humor, but they still wouldn’t be you, Josh.”
Joshua stares at him a moment longer, then vanishes with the rustle of his
feathers. I don't need your pity, he snarls, but pity isn’t what he’s offering.
There’s no point telling him that right now, though.
“Suit yourself,” he says instead. “I’m not going anywhere.”
===============================================================================
Neku’s packed up his work and dozed off by the time Joshua returns, a hangdog
look on his face. “I’m sorry,” Joshua says miserably, but Neku wasn’t even mad.
“Rough day for both of us, huh,” he says, and Joshua nods faintly.
“I shouldn’t have made it worse,” he says, and Neku throws a cushion at him.
“Chill. I’m not mad, okay?” Neither of them are that good with emotions; Neku
isn’t exactly going to hold a grudge when Joshua hadn’t even done anything.
“So, you rather I sleep on the couch or with you?”
He shrugs, artfully tossing the pillow back on the couch. “I’d assumed I’d work
through the night, as usual, but it’s your decision.”
“Take me to bed,” Neku commands, holding his arm out in a grand gesture. Joshua
sighs and picks him up, settling him onto his shoulders as Neku marvels at the
high ceiling and Joshua’s strength. He’s so much smaller than Neku, but Neku
supposes he can levitate him enough for it to work. “What do you even do at
night?”
Joshua bounces him as he walks to his bedroom without a care. “Send
enlightening dreams, mostly,” he says. “It’s hardly vital work, but flashes of
inspiration take differently depending on when I send them, and it’s a low
energy activity.”
“But you sleep sometimes, right?” he presses.
Joshua hums and deposits him onto his bed. The facsimile of the sky is cloudy
tonight, but Neku’s alright with that. “You could call it that,” he concedes.
“I don’t dream or anything, if that’s what you’re wondering. It isn’t efficient
to support a composer while most of my city is asleep, so if I’ve nothing else
pressing, I – hibernate, I suppose. Go into torpor, more accurately, and I
would do the same if we ran over budget.”
Neku mulls that over. “So, like sleep mode?” he guesses, and Joshua shrugs.
“Shutting down some stuff to save battery power?”
“Yes, I suppose,” he says, moving a pillow so he can lie on Neku’s lap, wings
out. “Pet me,” he commands, and Neku pushes him off.
“Going to get changed first.” Joshua groans in dismay and hands him a set of
pyjamas, and Neku changes hurriedly, stifling a yawn. Joshua teleports Neku’s
clothes away – back to where he’d packed them, he supposes – as Neku clambers
into bed, and the moment he’s settled back down, Joshua flops onto him.
“Pet me,” he says again, and Neku rolls his eyes. He’s kind of tired, actually,
but he sleepily gropes around for Joshua’s wings and flinches at the spark of
power when he grips the feathers. It doesn’t hurt, though, and Joshua lets out
a relaxed sigh as Neku preens him.
He’s so pushy, and Neku slides him off so he can turn onto his side. Joshua’s
unperturbed, though, just curling up so Neku still gets a face-full of
feathers, and Neku feels his own wings twitch in anticipation, never mind that
they aren’t visible. Joshua’s just so happy, completely without a thought in
his head past Neku Neku Neku I love Neku, and he’s jealous.
It can’t be safe to leave your soul in the hands of someone else, trusting them
not to hurt or use you, but leaving Neku with that total control makes him so
happy sometimes and Neku kind of wants to try it someday.
“You’re doing just fine,” Neku tells him, and Joshua’s mind is blank for a
moment, no room for anything but Neku’s approval. “There isn’t anyone I’d
rather have as composer,” he adds, burying his fingers into the feathers on
Joshua’s back, and Joshua sighs in contentment.
He’s tired; he’s honestly kind of exhausted; but he keeps stroking him for as
long as he can remember and doesn’t move his hand away as he dozes off. And
even with Neku half asleep, just the contact keeps Joshua projecting a warm
assurance, and it’s wonderful.
Joshua might not be the best choice for Neku, but he makes Neku happy. There
are worse things.
Chapter End Notes
     Shower sex and handjobs :V
     TT_TT Sorry about forgetting to update last night! For the record, I
     totally don't mind if midnight EST rolls around and someone goes
     "hey, surskitty! post the thing!" Hopefully I won't forget again,
     though. Ehehehe!
***** Chapter 21 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Neku wakes up slowly, secure in the knowledge he’s on break. It’s not his bed,
but Joshua’s is familiar enough by now and he’s vaguely aware of his presence.
He pulls himself up and looks around, not really expecting to see Joshua, but
there he is at arm’s length, sitting at a makeshift desk and doodling on
paperwork.
“Morning,” Neku says groggily, and Joshua perks up.
“I took the liberty of letting you rest,” he says, “though I expect it’s still
earlier than your preferences.”
Any time before noon’s too soon, and Joshua tends to wake him up painfully
bright and early. “Do you ever sleep in?” Neku says, rubbing his face.
“And let the Noise from my citizenry’s hangovers have a few hours of free
rein?” he replies, scandalized, and Neku shrugs.
“A composer’s work is never done, huh.”
“Indeed.”
What a pain, but at least Joshua is used to it. Neku’ll pass, though. Both the
hangovers and the handling thereof. It’s not his problem, and alcohol doesn’t
even taste that good to make up for it. “What time is it?” he says, and Joshua
passes him his phone. Eight in the morning. Not too bad. Still earlier than
he’d like, but at least he got some sleep in this time.
“I have work to do, as always,” Joshua says sadly, but Neku expected no less.
“If you need my assistance for anything, however, feel free to ask.”
Neku doesn’t think he needs anything, but he’ll keep that in mind. “I need to
stop by home sometime,” he says, and Joshua’s lips tighten into a scowl. “They
probably want to hear I haven’t been squandering their money.”
“You’ll never be good enough for them, you know,” Joshua says quietly. “They’ll
only expect you to take their abuse and give nothing in return.”
He wants so much to argue about it – they’re not that bad, really – but he’s
had the same thoughts sometimes. Helping Beat and Rhyme with their family’s
given him some perspective on his own, but it’s different when someone else
says it. “They’re paying my tuition,” he says instead. “I kind of have to stay
on their good side.”
“They’ll suck you dry if you give them the chance,” he mutters, returning to
his paperwork with a restrained fury, but he doesn’t continue arguing. “Give me
a few hours to work on them, if you don’t mind. I still wish you wouldn’t, but
I’d rather you not be roped into things you’d regret.”
“They’re my family,” he says, like it means anything, then nods. “Go ahead; I
trust your judgement.”
“… thank you,” Joshua says, hiding his face, and it’s strange how choked up he
gets by the little things.
Hell. Little things, like Neku agreeing to let him mind control them or
whatever the hell he’s planning. Imprint enough into their heads over the
course of a day to put them in a mood where Neku’ll have an easier time getting
away. Even knowing it’s his job doesn’t make it less terrifying.
Joshua could be so, so dangerous, and just because Neku trusts him doesn’t mean
he’s still not wary of him. And Joshua … Joshua knows that, and just because he
doesn’t take insult doesn’t mean he’s not hurt.
Trust. Neku’s has limits; it just does; and just because Neku knows why doesn’t
mean he doesn’t want to reciprocate Joshua’s endless regard. Joshua thinks Neku
can hold the world on his shoulders. Neku thinks Joshua means well.
It’s a heavy burden.
“Neku?” Joshua says, a bit hesitant.
“Yeah?”
He sets his work aside and turns to look at him, face impassive. “I have
something to tell you,” he says.
Well, clearly. “… Yeah?”
“A lot of the people who have hurt you … I don’t like them very much,” he
confesses, and that’s a bit of an understatement. “And I – I really shouldn’t
have done this, but it was so tempting ….”
Oh, hell. “What did you do?”
He scratches his neck and looks up at the ceiling. “Every baked good your
family has bought has gone stale within hours,” he states. “They have yet to
catch a light blue. Their shoelaces just will not remain tied. Et cetera, et
cetera, et cetera.”
Neku stares at him.
“And they aren’t the only ones, I’m afraid,” he adds, embarrassed. “I’ve been
getting revenge on many of the people who’ve been needlessly cruel to you and
your friends, whenever I doubt it would prompt retaliation on others. It’s no
good if they then take it out on a service worker, after all.”
Neku keeps staring.
Joshua tries very hard not to squirm.
“You magnificent bastard,” Neku says finally, and starts laughing. After a
moment, Joshua starts laughing, too. God, what the hell. He was half-expecting
Joshua to say something awful, not – not that.
Neku’s got an avenging angel.
Neku’s got an avenging angel who’s the pettiest, most irritating being Neku has
ever had the misfortune to meet, and Neku kind of loves him.
“Don’t ever tell me this again,” he adds, “because I’d probably have to tell
you to stop, but that’s incredible, Josh. I’m going to carry that in my heart
forever.”
Joshua leans back, so self-satisfied. “I live to serve,” he says comfortably,
then stops. “Well, not live, but you know what I meant.”
Always with the death jokes. “You never get tired of that, do you,” Neku says,
pulling himself up. Joshua smiles at him, bright and earnest, and Neku’s
tempted to ruffle his hair.
Only tempted, though, because that tends to lead to other things and Neku’s got
stuff he actually wants to do today, thank you. He’s got all week off for that
sort of thing. “Hey, you’re off, too, right?” he says, looking for a change of
clothes.
Joshua snaps his fingers and deposits Neku’s bag at his feet. Neku smiles
gratefully. “The Game is off,” Joshua corrects, “but yes, I’m less busy than I
could be.”
“Is it just that you don’t leave Shibuya or that you can’t?” he asks, and the
silence is longer than he’d really expected.
He’s picked an outfit and refolded his clothes by the time Joshua finally
responds. “Don’t,” he says softly, “but Neku, that really isn’t very ….”
“It’d be hard for you,” Neku finishes, and Joshua nods. “It’d mean a lot to me
if you manage it eventually, though, Josh. I want you to see my campus, you
know?”
“Before you graduate, then,” he says, and Neku beams. “I’ll try.”
“Thanks.” Neku gestures for him to come closer, and pulls Joshua into a quick
hug, patting his head for the hell of it. “Have a good day, okay?”
He inclines his head. “I love you, Neku,” he says. “Be well.”
===============================================================================
Neku takes his time in the shower, because why not? It’s a Saturday and he’s
got nothing more important to do; might as well enjoy it. Cram school is no
longer a thing he has to worry about. He is done with it. He’s attending
university and his Saturdays are his own.
Even if he is being stared at by fish. “Your taste in decor is still weird!” he
yells, and the water momentarily turns freezing cold. Fucking – right, don’t
antagonise the composer. He is extremely petty and does not give up.
And he might tie your shoelaces together if you really piss him off. Oh no.
Neku giggles.
He just really can’t be scared of the guy. Yeah, he’s a douche with a lot of
power, and yeah he’s freaking shot Neku before (still mad about that, by the
way; that’s one of those things you just don’t get over), but … he’s not a bad
guy. He’s just kind of an asshole.
… Shoelaces. What is he, five?
(No, he’s fifteen. But how long has he been fifteen? There’s a question.)
The smile fades off his face as he dries his hair. In a very real way, Neku’s
older than Joshua’ll ever be, and if Neku takes him up on returning him to true
life … it’ll just widen, won’t it. Fifteen and eighteen isn’t too bad, but
fifteen and twenty two, or hell, maybe even longer … that’s a big gap. Joshua
has to know that if Neku keeps aging, one day he’ll look at Joshua and see a
child.
Neku shudders. He doesn’t want to grow out of liking Joshua. They’re friends.
He pauses in styling his hair to turn and look at his wings in the mirror.
They’re pretty big, though not nearly on the scale of the officers he’s seen,
but the bars … they’re fairly skinny. Skinnier than a week ago? He’s not sure.
He reaches around to feel them, and hm, they’re about as thick as three of his
fingers. Joshua’s were a lot thinner than that, he’s pretty sure. Are they
supposed to be proportional, or is the frame the same width regardless? How
long does he have to change his mind?
It doesn’t matter. He’s not sure he will, anyway. Does he really want to go
through all that again?
(Does he really want to tie himself to the UG forever?)
Whatever happens, that’ll be another day.
He opens the door and smells coffee and pancakes, and his face freezes.
“Morning, Neku,” Hanekoma calls over from the bar, and Neku forces himself to
breathe.
“Good morning, Mr H,” he replies, walking over to the couch. Hanekoma’d already
set a platter and carafe out, and Neku hesitantly serves himself. Not exactly
someone Neku’d like to take food from, but Joshua’d take revenge on him,
wouldn’t he?
The thought doesn’t cheer him as much as he’d hoped.
“It’s all on the boss’s tab, so feel free to dig in,” he says, cleaning up, and
Neku slides down into his seat.
He wishes Joshua were here. Or, more to the point, that Hanekoma wasn’t, but
they’re going to have to work out some kind of truce sometime. Neku just wishes
it weren’t now. “Does he pay you in poop money, too?”
“Poop money?” he repeats. “Nah, he pays me in loose change and I pay him right
back from my commission fees. It’s a bit silly, but there’s no such thing as a
free lunch, eh? Everybody’s got to eat.”
“I guess.” Neku steels his stomach and digs in, a bit cautiously at first and
then with enthusiasm. It’s all as delicious as ever, and Neku even doesn’t have
to look at the bill. “Josh was having me help him with entry fees,” he says
casually, and Hanekoma’s eyebrows go up.
“You’re serious, then,” he says, putting away the last of the cookware and
joining Neku at the table.
He’ll know if you’re lying, Neku reminds himself, and shrugs. “I think so,” he
says. “Shibuya’s my home, and Josh needs somebody to help him, and I think I
could do a pretty good job. Especially after I get my degree, so I can work as
an artist whenever I have time, and … our UG doesn’t have that much money,
right? But I wouldn’t have many living expenses, so …”
He flounders, and Hanekoma chuckles. “You don’t got to convince me any,” he
says, rubbing his neck. “You’re a good kid, Neku, and it’d destroy Josh to know
he fucked you up, you know? So if you got any second thoughts, tell him while
he can still do something about it, else none of us’re gonna be happy.”
“Is that why you’re here?” Neku says quietly. Hanekoma inclines his head.
“Josh’s been worrying up a storm, so I figured I’d check in. He didn’t call me
or nothing, if that’s what you’re wondering.”
Neku takes a deep breath and holds it, thinking. “I’m not going to hurt
Joshua,” he says eventually. “Whatever’s between us is between us, but I want
to hurt him even less than you do, so you don’t need to check up on me, okay? I
can take care of myself.”
Hanekoma watches him, then adjusts his sunglasses. “Good kid,” he says,
smiling. “I’ll hold you to that, you know,” and he vanishes.
He lets out a deep sigh and slumps into the chair. God, he hates that guy. That
went better than it could’ve, though, and he finishes eating and heads out.
It’s not like he has an actual plan in mind for the day, so he takes his time
strolling back up to the surface and snaps a few photos of the Grim Heaper’s
latest monstrosity to text to his school friends. There’s got to be a point to
making a shrine to Hello Kitty out of tyres, but Neku doesn’t see it.
Does mocking Minamimoto count as spreading Shibuya’s influence? It should.
Really bad public art is a blight on society.
Oh god. Neku just had the worst thought ever. Does minamimoto get paid? he
texts Joshua, fearing the worst. (On the other hand, if Minamimoto can make a
living, that’s a good sign for Neku, eh?)
Not for his artwork, though people have asked.
That’s it, the world is over. Everyone can go home now. There is nowhere to go
from here.
I happen to think it's quite nice, Joshua texts, and Neku catches himself on
the wall in dismay. Only he forgot he has claws now, and grossssssss, grime.
Grime! Neku did not need grime! Ewwwww!
On the other hand, that means he can amend some of this graffiti. … Eh, maybe
later. It’d be pretty weird for there to be claw marks in an underpass, huh.
Well, okay, maybe a little. He finds a dirty patch and carefully scratches out
‘MATH SUCKS’ near Minamimoto’s bullshit. If he didn’t know better, he’d
probably just assume it was with a knife or something. A brick, maybe. Can you
even scrape into concrete with a knife?
He considers typing on his phone to ask, but Joshua’s already replied: Not very
well. You would want it to be diamond-tipped, and you certainly shouldn't do so
in MY city.
Yeah, yeah, Joshua’s stuck-up. Neku will make sure all of his street art is
easy to remove if people get pissy about it. Maybe he’ll make a giant graffiti
mural, how about that?
– hell. Joshua doesn’t reply, but Neku just knows that’s approval. He’ll think
about it, how about that? Sometime he actually has time to work on it. Like,
not just over a school break.
“You mind helping me out here?” he mutters, still trying not to touch anything
with one hand. Joshua sends a flash of irritation, and Neku holds his palm out
for him to deposit a damp cloth and a nail clipper. “Thanks.”
Has Neku mentioned lately how much he appreciates having an invisible friend?
Neku appreciates his invisible friend, and honestly the best part of being back
home is he can talk to thin air and know someone’s listening. There’re
composers elsewhere, of course, but Neku doesn’t know them. They aren’t real to
him the way Joshua is.
He passes by the train station, and there’s a familiar large dog waiting for
him. Neku waves, and the dog barks and bounds up to him, knocking him right
over this time.
“I didn’t even go anywhere!” he whines, but Joshua licks his face all the same,
tail wagging furiously.
You were calling me, he says simply. Take me for a walk, if you miss me so
much.
“You’re not even a real dog,” Neku grumbles, acquiescing enough to rub his
neck. “Do you even have a leash?”
A terrifying glint in his eyes as he lets Neku up. No, he concedes, but you
could buy me one, and then you can give me walks.
Walking his boyfriend. What has Neku’s life come to? “Go home, Josh,” he says
instead. “You’ve got work to do.”
The dog lets out an exaggerated sigh, then shakes himself. I suppose. Enjoy
your day, Neku, he says, walking off. Neku watches him go, shaking his head.
Something is seriously wrong with that guy.
He can’t think of much else to do offhand, so he takes his time window
shopping. Always good to keep up with the trends, even if he’s not planning on
buying anything, and he takes a picture of D+B’s new mascot and sends it to
Shiki, just in case she hadn’t seen her design’s already in stores.
Just because you’re fighting with somebody doesn’t mean you need to be a jerk.
It’s the least he’d do for any of his friends.
She even replies, too, and he wasn’t sure she would. Just a happy emoji, but
it’s something.
After that, he goes and pokes his head in a pet store. Joshua might not have
been serious, but Neku kind of wants to see the look on his face when Neku gets
him a dog collar. Maybe a leash, too, while he’s at it; that’d be one way to
keep their friendship from looking suspicious. Do composers usually go around
their districts in the animal versions of their Noise forms? Would anyone even
know one way or the other?
He’s trying to pick between a collar and a harness – collar’s funnier, but a
harness is more practical if Joshua actually meant that – when his wings twitch
from wherever they go when he’s down-tuned and he freezes. With two hundred
thousand residents and even more than that passing through, you’d think Neku
could actually avoid running into people he knows, but no, he recognises the
melody of those thoughts.
Hell.
This is your fault, he texts Joshua hurriedly, trying to decide whether or not
to skedaddle. He doesn’t want to cause offense, and they’re probably not even
coming here anyway –
“So what kind of bird food you need?” Beat says cheerfully, and Neku might not
know the girls he’s with too well, but he’s scanned them more than enough times
to feel like it.
“I usually get her the pellets,” Ai-or-Mina replies. “Look for the ones
labelled for budgies.”
“Weren’t you buying the seed mixes for a while?” says Mina-or-Ai, and Neku’d
love to make a break for it, but they’re not near his aisle ….
“Yeah, but she kept picking out her favorites ….”
Neku grabs a collar and an orange leash and starts going to check out while
they’re busy, but he senses the moment Beat sees him. Fucking telepathy, like
just having Neku’s side wasn’t bad enough, but no, he gets to hear Beat’s
excitement and quick disappointment as he remembers all over again that they
broke up.
“Hey, Neku,” Beat says, a bit tired, and Neku forces a smile for him. Neku is
happy to see him, even if – a lot of things.
“Hi, Beat,” he replies.
“Ai, Mina, this is my ex, the one who is not fucking a dog,” Beat says, and
Neku might now know which one’s which but augh.
“I’m not fucking a dog!” Neku screeches. “These are for my boyfriend!”
Ai quirks a brow, while Mina has to stifle a laugh. “Wow, Beat,” Ai says, and
Neku wants to die. (Wait.) “I didn’t know you went for the kinky ones.”
Neku’s not kinky! What did he say, anyway!?
“So, Beat,” Mina says slowly, thinking it over, “why would this be in question?
Did you date someone else, or was he in a compromising position, or ….”
“It’s a long story,” Neku interrupts, “and it’s very boring, so I’ll just be
going now?”
“Wait, Phones,” Beat says, rubbing his neck. “I kind of – I want you to know I
still like you a lot and if you still want to be friends, we can hang out
sometime, yeah?”
Neku smiles at him, and even if he’s sad, he still means it. “Yeah,” he says,
relieved. “I’m off this week, so text me?”
“Absolutely,” he says, and he gives him a thumbs up.
Neku buys his stuff as Beat gets back into conversation about birds and dogs
and stuff Neku so doesn’t want to hear about, and maybe it’s not great, but
it’ll get there. They’ve got time.
Neku ducks into a quiet spot and hops up to the UG so he can cry a bit
afterward, though, and Joshua sends him an inquiry. He’s fine, even if he
appreciates the concern. It just – sucks. It really sucks, but they’ll be okay.
Just give them time.
… Time probably won’t help with Shiki, though, and then he lets out huge,
wracking sobs.
Im gonna be a mess later fyi, he texts Joshua. When do you think I should see
my fam?
About two hours from now should be good. Would you like me to get you anything?
Neku has no idea. He wants to not be upset, how about that? Not like there’s
much more he can do about it right now. He hears Joshua sighing, and then a
bell ringing as a box appears at his feet.
He bends down and opens it. A damp washcloth, a thermos filled with – tea, it
looks like, and a parfait. “Thanks, Josh,” he manages, sitting down. It’s not
as good as being able to bury himself in blankets and wallow properly, but
there’s more he has to do today.
It’s better than nothing. He wipes his face off and sips his tea, and amends
that: it’s a lot better than nothing, and even if things aren’t perfect, he’s
still loved.
Joshua wants him to be happy. Maybe he’s not great at it; maybe he’s more work
than he’s worth; but Joshua is there and he really doesn’t have to be. A city
of two hundred thousand people to manage, and he still has time to take care of
Neku.
It's no trouble, really, he imprints, and Neku shakes his head. It's honestly
the least I could do.
Maybe so, but Neku still appreciates it. His phone buzzes: Joshua’s sent him
the address of a cat café, in case Neku’s interested, and he smiles. Maybe
later, but for now, Neku wants to get himself properly exhausted.
Well. He can sense a hell of a lot of Noise, if he’s up for it, and he cracks
his knuckles and gets to work. It’s harder than it was in the Game without his
partner’s assistance to get a proper cross combo going, but he’s stronger now
and there’s still the faint sense of not alone. Of course: he still has a pact
with Joshua, and even if he isn’t fighting, he’s still in the UG.
In the UG, hell: Josh is the UG, and Neku’s just handling the ground-level
version of what Joshua is probably doing right now. Neku clears it and Joshua
keeps it from coming back, and it’s what they were meant for.
Shockwave, Vulcan Uppercut, Irregular Note: he hasn’t been carrying his Jupiter
of the Monkey and Gatito pins, electing instead for a few indie ones, but the
familiar psyches come easier than breathing as his wings coordinate the Noise
with each flick.
He tries to pull out the power of his new pins, too, but they’re a dead spot.
They’re not from Shibuya, he realises: he’ll have to pack his Pegaso set next
time if he wants some variety. Or make a set of his own, but that feels easier
said than done. Eh, Beat could manage it.
Beat, he thinks once again with a pang in his chest. This afternoon is going to
suck, but putting off visiting his family is just going to make it worse when
he finally does. He tightens his jaw and keeps pummeling Noise, static and
released soul clinging to his fists for a moment before it dissipates into
Shibuya.
He can do this.
Clearing Noise doesn’t do the best job taking his mind off things, but it still
helps, and after a while, he eats his parfait and considers stopping by a café
to pet some kitties. Maybe some other time, he decides, and Joshua sets off his
alarm when it’s time to head to his folks’ place.
It’s not home. Even with him having the keys for it, it’s still not home, and
his wings pick up the characteristic timbre of fear, distrust, apathy. The
dread that he’ll never get out of here, never find somewhere to just be; but
there’s a thread of hope winding through the caked-in despair, and there’s less
Noise here than there could be.
Joshua’s work, he supposes, and it even smells weird here. Did it always smell
musty? He assumes so, but he’d never been away long enough to notice before.
Fuck. He’s tempted to hop back up to the UG and run for it, but it’ll only be
worse the longer he puts it off.
Nobody’s thrilled to see him, no surprise there. Oh, they’re cheery and all, at
least for the start, but then it’s right back to how he’s a disappointment and
how they’re old and infirm and he’s going to need to take care of them soon,
doesn’t he know, so he needs a well-paying job and to give up all this art
business to repay them for all their sacrifices. Doesn’t he know how selfish he
is, living on campus like this? They should have access to him all the time,
and he doesn’t need to see the future to know they’d sabotage his studies if
they got the chance.
And here he is, falling right back into the same patterns of quietly taking it,
like it really is his fault he’s not good enough for them. They weren’t ever
around when he needed them, so why do they think they’ve got a hold on him?
It makes him sick. Him, them, all of it, and he’s tempted to ask Joshua to
erase them all and be done with it.
Like he has any right to judge.
He makes it through dinner relatively unscathed and escapes then: whatever
Joshua did left them preoccupied, easy to avoid. Better than nothing, and the
moment he’s out, he nearly throws up from stress.
But he doesn’t. He just turns back and looks at the Noise surrounding them,
surrounding all these bastards who didn’t even give enough of a shit for
flowers when he spent three weeks dead, and whistles for it to coalesce. Maybe
it’s wrong, but he’d rather a Goth Metal Drake chew on them until somebody goes
for the points than let their Noise spread out and feast on the neighbors.
Fuck them. Just … fuck them.
===============================================================================
Neku stumbles into the lounge a while later, dead on his feet. (And off them,
too.) He doesn’t even bother sticking his slippers on, though the floor’s
freezing as always; if Joshua cares, he can complain later.
“I’m back,” he says, stumbling over to the couch on auto-pilot. “Were they
always so bad at cooking?”
“Who?”
Neku jerks awake. Oh, hell, reapers at the bar. He panics for a moment, but eh,
it’s just Def March. “Thought the composer was here,” he mumbles, rubbing his
eyes. “He didn’t warn me about you guys.”
They all look at each other. “We just kind of showed up,” BJ admits. “The boss
has a better recording studio than anything we can afford, so ….”
Right. Random reapers at all hours. Joshua warned him about that. “Never mind,
then,” he says. “Do you guys mind telling me what the favor you wanted was?”
Hushed whispering from the band, none of which Neku cares enough about to try
to follow along with. “Performance review,” 777 says finally. “We’re getting to
the point where we’d like to go on tour, only Tokyo reapers can’t leave Tokyo,
you know? So we’re all wondering what we need to do to quit.”
He blinks a few times. Ugh, he is way too tired for this shit. “I’ll talk to
the composer,” he says eventually. “We’ll get back to you … sometime ….”
That’s not exactly encouraging, he knows, but it’s the best he can do right
now.
“Aight,” 777 says in acknowledgement, and Neku staggers over to the foosball
table and waves at them, before falling up to the CAT mural. He went the wrong
way, he realizes, but finding the right one is way too hard right now, so he
just sits his ass down next to the wall and lets himself doze off.
He’s safe here, and he might as well sleep. That was the plan, anyway, only
there’s some feet in front of him and Neku looks up blearily.
“Are you all right?” Joshua asks him, his hand blessedly cool on Neku’s face,
but what kind of question is that?
“No,” he says back, and Joshua sighs.
“Would you rather I take you to bed or leave you here for now,” he corrects,
and Neku nods. Definitely one of those.
Or maybe that was wrong? Joshua furrows his brow at him as he levitates Neku
into his arms, and nn, Neku didn’t feel like moving. Joshua’s bed is nice and
soft, though, and he’s absently aware of a giant dog curling around him.
Sleep well, Neku, Joshua says, and Neku does.
===============================================================================
Neku is going to die of fluff, only he already did. He tries moving his arm
when he wakes up, but Joshua’s comfortably immobile and Neku slowly realizes
he’s not all there.
Joshua’s working. Neku doesn’t need to be able to hear his humming to feel him
vibrating, manipulating and producing the music of Shibuya. The melody’s beyond
his perception, but it’s soothing all the same. Even if he doesn’t move with
his lungs and heart.
Neku feels kind of bad for keeping him preoccupied like this.
I don't mind, Joshua says eventually, shuffling just enough to turn and poke
Neku with his nose. My, what big teeth you have, Composer …. You're a good kid,
Neku: I'd like for you to be happy.
His face heats, but at least he doesn’t have to hide it: he’s already stuck in
Joshua’s fluffy doggy armpit. Instead, he wiggles enough to get his head out,
and says, “You were really worried about me, huh.”
I still am, he admits as he licks Neku, and he seriously could swallow him
whole. Neku tolerates it, though, and his hair’s going to be a wreck. I don't
want you to resent me.
“I don’t,” Neku says, waving his arm until Joshua deigns to put his snout in
reach so Neku can pet him. “I mean, I did, but I don’t now, so ….”
Good to hear. Neku pulls himself out from under him, steadying himself on
Joshua’s face, then flops down to sit next to his neck, reburying himself in a
truly absurd amount of fur. Oh, and Neku, though no damage was done, I'd
recommend you be more careful manipulating Noise. You would have exhausted your
reserves without my assistance.
“Sorry,” he says, trying to remember what he did. Right. He set a fucking
dragon on his family, holy shit. “You aren’t mad?”
Joshua hums audibly, and Neku nearly jumps. Not particularly, I suppose, he
replies. Your pet will erase any Noise they spawn and only feed on them until
someone erases it in turn; it's not proper behaviour on your part, but it's
understandable.
Understandable? It was fucking shitty of Neku to do. But fine, if Josh isn’t
annoyed, Neku isn’t going to force the issue, and Joshua huffs in reply.
What bothers me is that was your first attempt at subduing wild Noise and
creating your own, Neku, he states, flicking his ears back. You don't have the
finesse yet to work on that level without injuring yourself.
Finesse, hell. Like that’s the problem there. “I don’t exactly plan on doing it
again.”
Very well.
Why is he so unaffected all the time? “Don’t you even care?” he snaps, and
Joshua just sighs.
A single Blue Noise isn't likely to cause as much damage as the Yellow and Red
you made it from, Neku, he says, slapping his tail against the bed with a loud
fwack. I care that you're upset, and that you acted unwisely in the heat of the
moment, not that you wanted petty revenge against those who had done you harm.
Neku jerks up and away from him. “So, what, it’d be better if I wasn’t upset?”
And Joshua statics back into the sad, smiling boy, legs crossed as he sits on
the bed and looks up at Neku. “A few mistakes from a reaper as young and
powerful as yourself are only to be expected,” he says quietly. “Neku, dear
Neku, you did little harm and to a net gain. All is well.”
“Like hell it is,” he snaps, staring him down. “If you can’t trust me not to do
shit like that, you sure as fuck shouldn’t trust me as your conductor, Josh.”
“Then allow me to revive you,” he replies mildly, wings folded. “I don’t have
any interest in forcing you, Neku.”
“Then why did you give me the UG as an entry fee!?” Neku roars, and Joshua
recoils like he’s been struck.
There. He didn’t even want to think about it, but it’s out in the open. “Neku,
I …” Joshua stammers. “I didn’t ….”
Fuck it. Just … fuck it. “Fuck you, Joshua,” Neku says, voice cold. “Even if I
handed in my wings and moved to Hokkaido, you know what would happen? I’d still
know every damn time a reaper walked by, because of your shitty duel and your
goddamn machinations.”
Joshua’s silent for once in his damn life and Neku smiles. It isn’t a good
smile.
“Of course I agreed to be your conductor,” Neku continues, and it’s funny
having the boot on the other foot this time, isn’t it? “What the hell choice
did I have, Josh? Leave you and all your shitbag friends without supervision?
I’m not stupid, Josh, don’t you fucking dare treat me like I am.”
“I never thought you were,” Joshua mutters, and it’s small consolation.
“I trusted you, and you ruined my life, Josh. Stew on that for a while.”
Joshua stares brokenly at him for a moment longer, then slowly, deliberately
kneels with his head to the floor to Neku. “I am – deeply sorry,” he says
quietly. “I – I honestly can’t repay you; there isn’t anything I can do to make
you not like – not able to see into the higher planes, nor to make anything
else that’s happened not have happened, and I – I am sorry, Neku. Sanae or
Kouki can get you the transfer paperwork; I’ll sign off on it the moment you’re
done, and that – would be that, I suppose. If there is ever anything I can do
for you, anything at all, you need only say the word, or else I – you don’t
ever need to see me again, Neku. I am sorry, for whatever little that’s worth.”
Neku snorts. “Right,” he says, walking to the door. “I’ll just – bye, Joshua,”
he says, glancing back.
“Goodbye, Neku,” Joshua says back. He still hasn’t moved.
Neku watches him a moment longer, then shuts it.
Hell.
Chapter End Notes
     SURPRISE!!
***** Chapter 22 *****
Chapter Notes
     A wild Hanekoma? Possibly.
Def Märch isn’t in the lounge by the time he gets there, which is probably a
good thing. Nobody to see his face, and he should – he should probably get out
of here, but he’s not sure he’s going to make it that far before crying.
He kicks the foosball table as he passes it, then collapses onto the couch.
What the hell did he just do? He just – he’s the worst, he really is, and this
time there isn’t anyone to cuddle him and tell him he’s loved. He’s fucked it
up. All of it, with everyone, and what’s he fucking doing? Breaking down crying
on Joshua’s couch like he has the right.
Shit, Joshua. Neku fumbles for his phone and looks through his contacts list:
come on, Shibuya, he knows he just pissed off Your composer, but he needs –
there. He hits the talk button.
Hanekoma picks up on the first ring. “What,” he snaps. “I’m kind of busy here,
so make it quick.”
“I just fought with Joshua,” he blurts out, voice hoarse, “and I need you to
keep an eye on him, Mr H.”
“I’m trying!” he snarls. “He locked me out, the dumbass, though at least we
know he isn’t going anywhere – what did you do, Phones?!”
Neku takes a deep breath and blows his nose, trying to get some composure. “I,”
he starts, then groans, going right back into a sob. Hanekoma waits for him to
calm back down, more patiently than Neku really expects of him these days. “I
felt like shit and wanted a fight, and I said a lot of things I can’t take
back. Can you – look after him for a while?”
Hanekoma sighs, long and drawn out, and Neku wilts at the very idea of his
disappointment. Even after everything, he still kind of looks up to him, and
Neku – Neku seriously fucked up. “That’s my job,” he says finally, and it’s
supposed to be Neku’s job, too, only he ruined it. “If you leave Shibuya, stay
where I can get in touch with you, Phones. That’s an order.”
“Okay,” he says, a bit meekly. “Should I leave Shibuya?” Joshua might – need
space, and he’s not exactly going to be able to get it with Neku here. Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
“Depends on what he wants,” he says frankly. “If you go now, though, you can
kiss the chance of him forgiving you goodbye.”
“Okay,” Neku says again, and again: “Okay. I’ll – I’ll just. You can probably
find me?”
“If you’re in Shibuya,” he confirms, and he hangs up. Neku stares at the phone
for a moment, not sure if the call was dropped, but he probably doesn’t use
mundane cell service, does he.
He doesn’t trust Hanekoma as far as he can throw him, but they’re kind of low
on options. At least he can keep up with Joshua, whatever he does. He might not
interfere when he needs to, but maybe he will, too.
Neku doesn’t know. He doesn’t have a better option, either, and he just curls
up on the couch and wallows in his misery. God, why did he do that?
Because when you get down to it, Neku isn’t much better of a person than
Joshua, that’s why. When they’re hurting, they both want to make everyone else
hurt as much as they do, only – only Joshua’s been trying to be better than
that. Not Neku, though. No, Neku just got past some of the hurting without
learning not to hurt back, because Joshua’ll just sit there and take it. It’s
all he deserves, after all: he shot Neku and no one is ever going to forgive
him for it.
Ughhh. Neku rubs at his head, and he wishes he could get some water without
standing up. He might trust Joshua, and Joshua might even believe him when he
says he does, but Neku might need to – he might need to actually let it go, so
Joshua can, too. Neku hasn’t been letting any of that affect his life, but
Joshua ….
It’s a weapon. Neku hadn’t even meant it to be, but you don’t always have to
want to hurt somebody for it to happen anyway. It’s a weapon, and Neku doesn’t
need it. Not with Joshua, not when he’s been trying pretty hard to do right by
Neku and Shibuya and honestly doing a decent job of it. Not perfect, but he’s
an alright sort. Really.
He does end up getting that glass of water, and he’s mulling over what to say
when his phone rings. Why is Shiki calling him?
“Hello?” he says, still a bit raw but a lot better than earlier.
“Hey, Neku,” she says, subdued, and the shit days are really going around, huh.
(Must be, if she’s calling him now.) “I just got the weirdest phone call.”
And she’s telling him about it? “… Yeah?” he says, hesitant.
“Your dead friend,” she says with evident disbelief. “Joshua. He wanted to hear
my thoughts on something, said he ‘values my opinion,’ if you believe that.”
“I do, actually,” he says, a bit more confident. “He’s sneaky, and there’s
always a lot more he’s not saying, but he’s not much of a liar.” And it’s
strange, to put that into words: Neku trusts Joshua because Joshua is
trustworthy. Dangerous, yeah, and really fucking strange, but his word is good.
Which is more than you can say for some people. (Hanekoma. He’s thinking of
Hanekoma.)
“I still don’t like him,” she admits, “and I’m not comfortable with this, but I
thought you should know.”
“Thanks, Shiki,” he says, and he means it. “For telling me, and for talking
with him, too. It means a lot.”
She hums, noncommittal. “Why me, though?”
“I got mad at him,” Neku says instead, “and I said some things that were –
really nasty, totally uncalled for, just because he didn’t get mad at me when I
wanted him to.” She sucks in a breath, and Neku nods. Yeah. “I guess he wanted
someone smart and level-headed who wouldn’t tell him what they thought he
wanted to hear, that’s all.”
“And that’s me?” she says dubiously.
Neku nods firmly, even though she can’t see it. “He thinks you’re great,
Shiki,” he says with certainty. “He’s a bit of a jerk, and I don’t expect you
to like him, but he does respect you a lot, and I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass
to you.”
“I’m sorry, too,” she mutters. “Well. I guess I’ll keep that in mind, then.”
“Stay in touch?” he says hopefully.
“See you, Neku,” she says instead, and she hangs up. Not really a good sign,
especially not with Joshua trying to talk to her (why), but he’ll take it.
He already knew it wasn’t going to be the same, and he yawns and slides into
his seat. Wake him up when Joshua’s up for human interaction again, okay?
And he does, though his leg’s asleep by the time he senses someone watching the
fish. Neku cracks his eyes open.
“Neku?” Joshua says, nervous. “Why are you still here? – not that I mind, but
….”
Neku stretches, then looks up at him blearily. Joshua’d bolt if he shows a bit
of disapproval, but Neku’s too tired for enthusiasm. “Josh, I’m sorry,” he says
wretchedly. “I shouldn’t have said – any of that.”
“You weren’t wrong,” Joshua replies neutrally. “Not everyone with second sight
ends up a reaper, but – most of us do, and it was wrong of me to ….”
“It was years ago,” Neku interrupts. “A lot of the stuff you did to me was
really fucking shitty, but it was years ago, Josh, and you’ve been trying hard
to be a better person. I trust you and forgive you, and you should trust and
forgive yourself, too.”
Joshua blinks, then glances at Neku’s face. “Killing you again wasn’t years
ago,” he starts, but Neku scowls and he closes his mouth.
Neku closes his eyes for a moment. “That wasn’t actually your fault,” he
confesses. “Or it was, but it was mine, too: I knew you’d get upset and I knew
it would be dangerous, and I didn’t care.”
Rustle, rustle. Joshua shifts his weight, perturbed. “I still killed you.”
“I committed suicide by composer,” he corrects, “and you’ve offered to fix it.
I don’t want you to.”
“Neku ….”
Neku sighs, letting his wings materialize. “Josh,” he says frankly, “I’ve been
shit to you because I’ve always assumed you would be shit right back, and maybe
it wouldn’t be right, but it’d be fair. But you haven’t been, and it’s not
right for me to treat you like that just because maybe you’d deserve it. I’m
not hurting the shitbag of a few years ago; I keep hurting you.”
Joshua sits down on the other couch, watching the ceiling wondrously. “You
really mean that,” he murmurs, and he senses Joshua’s power at the edge of his
mind. Bring it. “Neku, I am – grateful, for all of this. Thank you.”
Is he serious? “Josh, you aren’t listening,” Neku snaps, and Joshua flinches.
“This isn’t – me trying to be the bigger person, or anything. This is that you
aren’t actually that bad of a guy, and it isn’t right for people to treat you
like it when you’ve shown no sign of repeating your mistakes. You hurt me
pretty bad, but I happen to know what you’ve been doing since, and I absolve
you of it. Be free. The question is, do you forgive me?”
Joshua stares at him a bit blankly, then buries his head in his hands. “Neku,”
he says, “I – I need some time to think about this. Is that – is that okay,
Neku?”
“Take all the time you need,” he replies. “I’ll still be here, and if not, you
can call me, and then I’ll be here.”
He nods. “Thank you, Neku,” he says, and vanishes. Neku keeps watching where
he’d been, then breathes deeply and goes to get himself something to drink.
Long day, and there’s no telling how long it’ll take for Joshua to get his head
together, so he sticks on some music and starts to draw. It’s no go, though;
nothing he works on turns out the way he wants it to. It happens sometimes,
though, and he tries not to get too bitter about it as he tries anyway and
lists some things he might draw when he gets his skill back.
It was a hell of a day, after all.
Joshua doesn’t show up again that night. Neku hadn’t exactly expected him to,
but he’s disappointed all the same.
Neku’s trying to upend his entire worldview. Of course it’s going to take a
while to process.
Eventually, he calls it a day and wraps up his stuff and has a snack. The bar’s
actually got a decent amount of real food hidden behind it, even if it’s all
microwaveable or non-perishable. It’s edible.
He takes one last look at the door, hoping it’s locked, before flopping back
down on the couch. Wish he packed some blankets or something, or that the
lights had a switch.
Sorry to bother you, but I want to go to bed, so if you could … he texts, and
Joshua takes care of it all, depositing sheets and such on the table. “Thank
you!” he says loudly, meaning it, and he suspects Joshua might actually be
embarrassed.
He’s going to have to deal with it, because Neku ain’t going nowhere.
===============================================================================
Mornings suck and have always sucked, but waking up to the smell of spiced
oatmeal isn’t nearly as bad as it could be.
“Good morning, Neku,” Joshua says politely, sitting on the other couch as he
fiddles with his food. “I suggest you eat before we have our discussion?”
“Yeah,” Neku says, though he’s not much for food first thing. “Thanks, Josh.”
Joshua buries his face in his oatmeal, and Neku smiles. He really does get
embarrassed by the little things, doesn’t he. He raises the dead on a monthly
basis, but all Neku needs to do is appreciate his cooking and he goes shy.
Neku’ll just have to appreciate him even more, then. Joshua’s cute when he’s
confused, and nothing confuses him more than being noticed.
“Glad to know I amuse,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku flushes. He didn’t mean that
in a bad way, okay.
“I’m going to try harder to keep your feelings in mind,” Neku says in between
mouthfuls. “Doesn’t mean I won’t still pick on you, but seriously, let me know
if I go too far, okay?”
Joshua nods, hesitant. “I’ll try,” he says. “I hadn’t wanted to stifle you, you
know.”
Clink. He sets his bowl down and looks up at Joshua, serious. “It isn’t good
for either of us if you won’t tell me when I’m being a shithead, Josh,” he
states. Joshua scowls. “I need to know you’re at least trying to take care of
yourself, or else it’s all on me to look after you, and I can’t handle that,
dude. I don’t even have my own shit together.”
He huffs, but at least he’s listening. “I’m well aware,” he grumbles, then
looks up. “I apologise for indulging your destructive tendencies.”
“And I’m sorry for being an asshole,” Neku says, and Joshua smiles. “Are we
even?”
A shrug as he looks at his hands. “That depends,” he says, not unkindly. “Are
you certain you don’t want me to revive you? It – bothers me, to think you
might have given up on life, and truly, plenty of people with second sight
avoid ever having a Game job. You’ve plenty of options.”
Neku takes a deep breath, putting his thoughts in order. “Yeah, I’m sure,” he
says eventually. “I probably could get by without it, but you were right, when
you said years ago that the Game’s exciting. The RG’s exciting, too, but I
don’t have to pick between them, do I? Plenty of reapers stay in both.”
“I suppose,” he concedes. “I won’t be happy if you use me to dodge your RG
responsibilities, though, Neku.”
“That’s fair.” It wouldn’t be good for Neku if he did, either. “Oh, Def Märch
want to be human again, and – you can pet my wings later, if you’d like.”
Joshua’s eyebrows shoot way up, and Neku suspects he’s cheating. “I’ll keep the
first in mind, but Neku, are you certain? If you have any doubts, any at all,
don’t let me, because I will do some work on you.”
“Like what?” Honestly, it’s like he tries to be suspicious.
He hums. “Ensuring you actually use your city-sense, mostly, but you’ve plenty
of memory associations you don’t particularly need. I can make a list of what I
know already I’d like to do, though I’m sure I would find more.” At Neku’s
blank look, he adds: “These are things I do as my job, Neku; I know full well
what I would be doing and how, and direct contact with your soul would let me
do precision work.”
Neku keeps staring. “Would you really need to do all that?”
A harumph at that as Joshua crosses his arms. “Technically, no, but touching a
reaper’s wings generally leaves them out of commission anyway, and I’d rather
get some good out of it.”
Neku glowers. “You’re talking about messing with my brain,” he points out, and
Joshua nods.
“That’s what happens when you hand someone your soul,” he says frankly. “I have
defenses that you do not, and a great deal more experience, but if you don’t
trust me to safely remove the last time you ate a chili dog, you don’t trust me
to touch your wings.”
When did he – shit. No wonder Joshua wants to fuck with his head; Neku’s
probably never going to want to see Mexican Dog again. If he can keep from
thinking of Beat every time he’s in Spain Hill, that’s valuable, but Joshua’s
stolen his memories before and he can’t – “You’re not going to give me
headaches again, are you?” he says harshly, and Joshua smiles.
“Not if I can take my time,” Joshua says easily, and Neku presses back against
the couch. “Memories are so tricky sometimes, but I do know what I’m doing,
Neku. It would be unpleasant for a few days as your song stabilizes, that’s
all.” Neku’s mouth tightens, and he adds: “I can’t make you process anything
you don’t want to, but I can at least let you do it at your own pace.”
He’s still tempted to freak out, but he takes a deep breath and tries not to
wonder why Joshua hadn’t mentioned this before. There’s a difference between
running away and using all the resources he has available, and this just barely
seems like the latter. “Put that list together,” Neku says finally. “I’ll think
about it when I know what you have in mind.” Such a pain he has this goddamn
all-or-nothing approach to it, though: seems like way too much hassle.
And Joshua tilts his head, pushing his hair back. “Most reapers never let
anyone at their wings, Neku,” he says neutrally. “You’ve no need to be an
exception.”
Neku’s seen how Joshua takes Neku preening him, though, and Neku wants a taste
of that. Even if he doesn’t turn out to like it, he wants to know and he trusts
Joshua, really. Even when he tries so hard to keep Neku from doing so. “Why do
you want to do all that so bad?” he says finally, and Joshua turns away.
“I like being useful,” he explains, wistful in a way Neku doesn’t know how to
handle, “and that’s one of the few things only I could do for you. It might not
be necessary, but I like to help, Neku, and I’d hate to do nothing when I had
the chance.”
Neku listens to this, then nods slightly. He understands it, even if he doesn’t
agree with it, and they can work with that. “So, chili dogs,” he finishes, and
Joshua beams. “Put together that list, and I’ll see what I think. I trust you,
but I don’t know how much I’m comfortable with.”
Joshua salutes, and his crooked smile brings one to Neku’s face, too. “Aye aye,
captain!” he says, “though it should really be ‘conductor,’ shouldn’t it?”
He shrugs. “I think that’s up to the composer,” he mutters, before stiffening.
He’s never going to be loyal to Joshua the way Shades was, but Joshua tilts his
head and Neku forces himself to relax. He doesn’t need to be. They’re friends,
not just their roles.
Joshua might be the composer to his core, little of him separable from his job,
but they’re still friends above all else. Friend, partner, murderer; proxy,
conductor, friend.
So much between them, but they’re trying to make it work.
“Oh, I got you something yesterday,” Neku says, digging through his stuff and
offering him a gift bag. “So you can go out in public with me,” he explains,
and Joshua takes it.
He pokes his nose in, then looks up at him slyly. “I hadn’t known our
relationship got to this point,” he says, taking out the collar and comparing
it to his neck, then whistling it smaller. “Would you?” he says, turning around
in reach for Neku to clasp it along him.
“I meant for you to have it as a dog,” he snaps, but Joshua doesn’t move away.
“God, you’re ridiculous.” He snaps it on, though the orange nylon can’t
possibly be comfortable.
“I am,” he says, pleased, sitting down and putting his head in Neku’s lap.
“Both god and ridiculous.”
Neku swats him. There really isn’t anything to say to that, but he tries
anyway: “You aren’t seriously going to wear that, are you?”
He hums, and Neku finds his hands petting Joshua’s hair of their own accord.
“You’re one of four people who ever see me, you know. Kouki wouldn’t care, Coco
would laugh, and Sanae already knows your mark is all over me.”
Oh, fuck. Neku’s created a monster. “If I knew you were actually going to wear
it, I’d’ve gotten you leather.”
“I like orange,” he murmurs, reaching up to twine his fingers in Neku’s hair.
He’s got to have a nasty case of bed head, but Joshua doesn’t seem to mind,
simply untangling what he can and gently nudging it back into order. “You
should get me things more often,” he adds.
What’s he supposed to get a god, though? “Thought you had most things you
wanted,” Neku says honestly. “You’re not exactly poor.”
“Gifts are different.” Yeah, maybe, but …. “I don’t have much need of personal
possessions, Neku, but it’s nice to know you thought of me.”
“You’re a hard guy to forget,” Neku grumbles. “Okay, I will, but you need to
not actually wear that collar. I’m not having anyone else think we’ve got that
kind of relationship, no way.”
A sigh, long and disappointed, but Joshua nods acceptance. “I hardly think it
matters,” he says, shifting back to his dog form, but you're the RG one.
Damn right Neku is, and he scritches Joshua’s ears. “Yeah, and it’s weird. If
you want, though, I can take a shower and then we go for a walk?”
Joshua closes his eyes in appreciation, then shakes it off and hops down to the
floor. Yes, absolutely, he says, wagging his tail. Neku moves slightly, but
Joshua barks and up he goes, Joshua butting his head against his back to get
him to walk faster. Okay, okay, okay, but he’s laughing and it’s wonderful.
Life is good and strange, and Neku doesn’t want to give a bit of it up.
No one else needs to understand it for it to be its own type of perfect, and
that’s okay.
***** Chapter 23 *****
Chapter Notes
     And still Hanekoma and his dysfunctional whatever-it-is with Joshua,
     wheeee.
Neku sings in the shower. Joshua’s listening, of course, but he’s hardly going
to encourage Neku to stop, and Neku raps his knuckles on the wall for a drum
accompaniment and he gets a real one.
Cheater’s messing with the sound system again. “I want a guitar solo!” Neku
calls, and he hears the strings come in. Neku was just singing some kind of
nonsense song about whatever was on his mind that moment, but Joshua’s
instrumentals don’t seem mocking, and he cuts his shower shorter than usual to
go see what he’s pulling.
He waves to an octopus as he wraps up, and the octopus waves back. Is that … is
that supposed to happen? He stares at it for a moment, then goes back to fixing
his hair. Whatever.
“You’re a nerd,” Neku tells the dog once he’s out, but Joshua just keeps
cleaning his paws daintily.
I do exactly as I wish exactly when I wish, he replies, not looking up. Music
is the soul of the city, you know. What is life but the pump of your heart and
the rush of blood through your veins?
“A hard-boiled egg,” he replies. “Also, I heard something about taxes.”
Taxes are eternal, Joshua says darkly. There'll be taxes when our star is dust
and none but the angels remember there were humans, mark my words.
Neku hides a smile. God, he’s dramatic.
(Yes, he is a god. Thank you, Neku’s Joshua impression, for filling in that
detail for us all.)
“Does puppy want to go out?” Neku says, and Joshua bites him. Not hard, just
enough that hey, he has teeth! but Neku scolds him anyway as Joshua sits in
front of him, ears perked up.
He might not be a real dog, but he still needs dog manners, and Joshua
patiently waits for Neku to check his collar and hook the leash to it. It seems
to fit, and Joshua added a name tag for verisimilitude, so Neku rubs his neck
as Joshua wags his tail. Wonder if he can call him a good boy with a straight
face, if they’re really going to go with this charade.
Woof woof, Joshua says insincerely, and they’re off. Neku isn’t the one
leading, no surprise there, but Joshua’s perfectly behaved, no pulling or
anything, and Neku hadn’t been sure what to expect.
The morning light’s blinding once they’re up to the surface, and Joshua sits
down. My City, he says reverently, and Neku inclines his head. I may not
compose as much today, but Shibuya deserves a great deal from us, dear Neku.
May we be up for the task.
“Yeah,” Neku says, though he’s not quite sure what Joshua is on about. “I’ll do
my best.”
As should we all. Joshua stands up and glances back at him, and Neku gets to
moving again. If Joshua has a destination in mind, Neku sure can’t see it, but
he leads Neku around with purpose anyway.
The city’s different like this, Joshua pointing out little details as they go,
and this too is work of a sort. Seeing the town as neither of them usually do,
their discrete sets of knowledge filling in the gaps, and Shibuya sounds better
with its avatar on the streets. Noise fades away and the people smile at the
sight of Neku’s too-large dog, and it’s peaceful.
Fucking terrifying whenever he remembers how much some of the reapers want
Joshua erased, but peaceful. The dog’s new to them, after all: they wouldn’t
even know to look.
Of course, there’s one inevitability with dog walking, and Neku didn’t think of
it in advance. “Look, mommy! Doggy!” yells a small child as she runs up to
them, and Neku opens his mouth to tell her to stop before Joshua raises his paw
and she halts.
“Mister, can I pet your dog?” she asks after a bit of prompting from her
mother, and Joshua sits patiently.
“Ask him,” Neku manages awkwardly, and Joshua hijacks his mouth for the rest:
“If you’re really quiet and still and you hold your hands out, he might come to
you.”
Neku hadn’t even known Joshua could do that, and he watches warily as the kid
puts on a serious face and follows along. Joshua disregards him, though, and
simply trots up to her, lowering his head so she can pat his neck, and her smug
smile makes Neku’s skin crawl.
You seem in good spirits, Megumi, Joshua says, though Neku doesn’t know if she
understands. Shibuya remembers you fondly.
“I tried,” she replies, and Joshua thumps his tail. Some kind of charm, Neku
suspects; a benediction for all Shibuya, and for a moment, Neku senses a flash
of devotion/trust/acknowledgement-of-error from the kid and shivers. She really
is more than a bit of the old conductor reborn, and Neku wonders if Joshua had
planned this all along.
But her brief awareness passes and she’s a child again, simply petting the nice
fluffy dog like he’s hardly the composer at all, and her mother looks at her
expectantly. “Say thank you,” she says, and the kid nods.
“Thank you!” she chirps, bowing, and Joshua watches her go.
She'll be happy in this life, he says like it’s a promise. Megumi's soul was
very refined, and she'll have the drive to use it.
Neku hums acknowledgement, though truthfully he has no idea. “Did you see her
shoes, though?”
Light-up and snake-print, Joshua confirms. The old Megumi would have killed for
that.
“Light up I get,” he concedes, carefully ignoring his own past obsession with
light up sneakers, “but snake-skin is just bad.” Not as bad as a snake-skin
suit, but seriously now, there should not be kids’ clothes catering to the Hip
Snake aesthetic. That’s, like, corruption of the innocent.
Joshua wuffles. Meanwhile, you spend much of your time wearing Jupiter of the
Monkey. Face it, Neku, you're no fashion plate, either.
Hey, it breathes and it’s comfortable, neither of which you can say for Hip
Snake. Sportswear is superior to denim and always will be. He knows Joshua’s
just trying to aggravate him, though, so he pulls on the leash a little and
says, “C’mon, boy, we’re still going for a walk here.”
He growls dismay, though they both know Joshua can’t really get away with
biting him in public, and Neku flashes him a shit-eating grin. How you can act
so casually about this, I have no idea, he grumbles, tugging on the leash and
purposefully nearly tripping him. Honestly, Neku, you should treat your
composer with at least a little respect.
“Gotta earn it to deserve it,” Neku lilts, and – did Joshua just fart?! Holy
shit, ew, that’s nasty. “Josh …!”
Don't be ridiculous, he replies, eminently proud of himself. I simply gave you
a sampling of some of the sewer air. Eau de la Rivière, as it were.
Neku groans. “You’re seriously a jerk sometimes, Josh, and just for that, we’re
going to the park.”
“Park!” he barks, and Neku laughs at the entirely different kind of talking
dog. You aren't the only one with that idea, he warns.
“That’s okay. I’d still like to, if that’s fine with you.” Joshua nods
slightly, and Neku smiles. He likes people, really. He’s probably never going
to be an extrovert, but people are interesting, and scanning them doesn’t make
them less so.
Maybe their problems aren’t always the kinds of things he can understand caring
about, but that’s okay. It’s a big world and a big city. There’s space.
===============================================================================
Of course, hearing he’s not going to be the only person there (in Shibuya? say
it ain’t so) is one thing. Walking in on an impromptu open-air concert is
something else, and fucking hell but it seems like half the people his age in
Tokyo are here. The park’s not big enough for that, damn it, birthrate crisis
or no.
“You couldn’t have warned me?” he says, though it’s drowned out by the fans.
Good thing he’s talking to a psychic!
Joshua yawns. My perception is dampened by being down here, he admits. I
realized when they started, but we were only a few blocks away from when you'd
hear it.
“Asshole, I’m dead now; you’re going to get me trashed.”
His tail perks up as he leads Neku away from the crowd. You'd only get buzzed,
he corrects, and even then, only because you're tuned slightly above the RG.
You could force yourself down past where you'd hear their fun, but it's
unpleasant.
Buzzed is still more than Neku wants, but he remembers the first time he
intentionally went up and how he bounced off the RG hard. “Can you pull me down
for a minute?” he says, and he feels Joshua’s power nudge him and everything
goes silent as his stomach flips.
Well, no. There’s still a lot of people being very loud, but he can’t hear them
at all, not in the way that matters. The wave of intent just – isn’t there, and
he feels very alone in his head.
That’s how it’s supposed to be. That’s how it was before he was linked to
Joshua, and he pales. Joshua’s watching him, and Neku does that fraction of a
step back up to where he’d been. “How …” he starts, and Joshua smiles.
Radios pick up stations when they aren't on the right channel, do they not? he
says, nonchalantly waving his tail. You need to be truly RG to cross districts,
of course, but there are a few gradations within human perception and you've
more than enough power to aim slightly above where you should be.
So he can shut it all off on his own. Would’ve been good to know that before,
but even the few seconds of it was uncomfortable; Neku doesn’t want to picture
how it would have been if he’d stuck with it. A bit like when he’d returned to
life, he supposes, only he’d have to go back up sometime.
“Take me somewhere quiet,” he instructs, and Joshua lowers his head to leave,
nose near the ground like he’s following a scent trail. Maybe he is: people
move out of the way as the composer leads him through the crowd, and while Cat
Street’s not one of his favorite places, there are fewer people here.
A lot of Noise, though, and Joshua’s fur bristles. Neku looks down at him, a
bit worried, but he simply statics out into his human form and puts the leash
and collar into his pocket. “I’m afraid we should part for now,” he says, voice
neutral, and Neku nods.
“Good luck with Mr H,” he says back. WildKat actually seems to have customers
today, though that’s probably about to change. “Tell him I say hi, okay?”
“I’d tell you to tell him yourself, but he truly hates when I leave the house,
I’m afraid,” Joshua says with a laugh. “Best for him to know it was my own
idea, hm?”
Neku doesn’t know, but he does trust Joshua’s judgement. “Call me if you need
me,” he says instead, and Joshua waves and vanishes. Hopping up a few
frequencies, Neku senses, and most of the Noise dissipates instantly. Not all
of it, though, and if he were in a different mood, he’d be tempted to finish
the rest.
Maybe later. Instead, he ducks his head into the JotM shop and feels his
awareness drop off. Damn reaper sigils, even if they were life savers back in
the Game.
“Long time no see,” the clerk says, welcoming him in. “You forget about me?”
“I got school work I don’t want to shirk,” Neku rhymes back. “You got new
stock, or am I out of luck?”
===============================================================================
Neku doesn’t end up buying anything this time, for better or worse. Probably
better, given he’s got no idea how much longer his family’ll put money in his
account. Oh, hell, he set a dragon on them. Holy shit.
He’s – really not someone who should be trusted with this much power, is he.
Then again, it’s not like Joshua is any better. He fucking – he nearly erased
Shibuya, and that’s a lot of people.
Biting his lip, he pulls out his phone to text him. We need to talk. I know
neither of us really want to bring up MORE of the stuff from years ago but I
think I have to, sorry.
Very well, Joshua sends back, and then: Now or later?
Laters good. If he got into it now, he’d – he’d probably go too far again.
Joshua’s done some nasty shit, but that doesn’t make it okay for Neku to treat
him badly, either.
They’re so messed up. Neku, Joshua, their relationship, everything. No wonder
Shiki wanted to wash her hands of it all; she’s tried to get Neku to stop
fucking up, but he does it anyway. And some of it’s that she doesn’t get Joshua
the way Neku does, but it’s not her fault Neku kept shutting her out again.
Neku exhales sharply. Shiki doesn’t get Joshua, but she’s who he went to when
Neku fucked up, and it couldn’t have gone too badly since Joshua seems
marginally okay. She didn’t have to do that. She didn’t have to do that at all,
and Neku is so fucking grateful.
Shiki’s a good person. Just because they might not be friends anymore doesn’t
make that any less true. There might not be any way for him to make amends, but
fuck is he glad she is who she is.
Wish he had more friends. There’s plenty of people he gets along with, but
making deep friendships outside of life and death situations is kind of hard.
He’s heard good things about the internet, but eugh, he’s got no idea where to
start with that one.
Well, he’s got one. Do you need anything to get your computer set up? he texts
Joshua, and even if Neku’s no techie, he can probably get somewhere with it.
Even if Joshua’s problems aren’t normal problems.
I don't have a screen or mouse for it, though Sanae's given me one of his
drawing tablets, Joshua replies after a minute. Okay, so, monitor, mouse, what
other minor details is he missing?
Do u have a working tower?
Yes, and a keyboard. But how does he know the tower works without a monitor,
Neku wonders. Might just be one of those mysteries, or maybe Hanekoma gave him
one.
Wait. Shit. Why don't you just conjure one???
They update too quickly for the angels to subsidize shortcuts, Joshua replies.
Just come join us at WildKat, why don't you?
But Neku doesn’t want to – okay, no, he doesn’t have anything better to do.
WildKat has actual customers outside when he gets there, but he just shakes his
head at them and walks in.
“I’m on break!” Hanekoma calls from up the stairs, and Neku smirks. Yeah,
thought so.
“It’s me, Mr H!” he says back, heading up, and he hears the door at the top of
the stairs unlock. Neku opens it to find a cluttered studio with a tattered
couch as the only place to sit, and on it is Joshua daintily sitting atop a
sprawled out Hanekoma. “Hey,” he says, and Joshua smiles at him.
“Josh was right,” Hanekoma says, softening. “Wings’re a good look on you.”
Neku’s RG, though, isn’t he? He’s definitely got them away … but he slides up
and lets them show as Joshua watches him. “Yeah, I think I might keep them,” he
replies. “Might as well.”
“You sure about this?” he says, and Neku notices with disgust that Hanekoma’s
petting Joshua’s back. “‘Might as well’ ain’t a good reason, you know, and we
both want you to be happy.”
He’s sure got a funny way of showing it. “You’ve made it clear I need to go all
in or get out,” Neku snaps, “and I’m picking the former, so don’t you dare try
to act like you’re just looking out for me, Mr H.”
Joshua tenses like he’s going to say something, but Hanekoma calms him and Neku
wants to punch something. “Shibuya can’t afford half measures,” Hanekoma says
quietly, “and we can’t either, so Neku, we do need to be very sure you’re
making a choice you can live with.”
“Or not, as the case may be,” Joshua adds, and Neku cracks a grin. “I trust you
to know what you’re doing, but it worries me,” he adds, moving to the couch’s
armrest to Hanekoma’s evident dismay. “You shouldn’t make decisions for my
sake.”
“I’d rather be a reaper than a try-hard,” Neku says firmly. “If I’m going to
need to pick between your world and Shiki’s, I’ll just be another reaper
getting their degree. It’s fine, Josh.”
Joshua bites his lip, then nods in agreement, but Hanekoma’s unconvinced.
“You’re good for the boss,” he decides, and Joshua relaxes. “This ain’t the
kind of gamble I like, but the boss is happy and you’ll do right by Shibuya,
Phones, even if I did hear about your fuck-up. Just look out for yourself,
though, yeah? Nobody wants a promising young artist to run themselves into the
ground.”
Nobody except you, he thinks, but that’s not only unkind but factually wrong.
Hanekoma is thinking of the good of Shibuya; he’s just going about it the wrong
way. Instead he says: “Yeah, that’s why I’m staying in school for now. It’ll be
fine.” Hopefully.
“About that,” Joshua says, and Neku jerks. “I doubt you can leave Tokyo as you
are, or at least not for very long. It shouldn’t interfere with your studies,
but it is something you should know.”
He’s never been much for travel. It shouldn’t be a big deal. “I know a reaper
from Kansai,” he says instead.
“And they probably arranged for a permanent reassignment,” Joshua replies.
“Tokyo UGs have a certain consistency to them by common agreement, but that
doesn’t extend to the rest of Japan, and certainly not to the entire world. We
composers don’t like cooperating, and homogeneity is anathema to our districts.
Like it or not, Shibuya is carved into your soul, and you cannot easily have it
buffed out.”
Neku knows this, so why does Joshua want to convince him to – “That’s my job,
you know,” Hanekoma says, interrupting Neku’s thoughts. “Producers corroborate
so the composers keep their districts within certain guidelines, and we make
sure Tokyo reapers can even get into the UG in other parts of Tokyo. Not much
farther than that, though; if you want to travel while you’re dead, you’re
gonna need to stay RG. But you ain’t completely grounded.”
And he didn’t have any travel plans anyway. “See, Josh? You’re worrying too
much.”
“I suppose,” Joshua replies. “Sanae? Would you leave us for a moment?”
“Sure, boss,” he says easily. “I got customers waiting, after all,” and Neku
watches him get up and head downstairs.
Once he’s out of the room, Joshua nudges Neku forward and he obediently lets
Joshua flop into his arms. “I love you, you know,” Joshua says, and Neku
carefully supports his lack-of-weight enough to pull him onto the couch.
“I know you do,” Neku says into his ear as Joshua pulls him into a hug, “but
really, you worry too much.”
“I’m selfish,” Joshua says with a laugh. “I don’t want to mess this up. Not
now, not at this point.”
“Neither do I,” Neku says, though it’s been messed up from the start. They’re
working at it. They’ll make it work. “I’m not going to blame you if I turn out
to regret it, Josh. I like the UG. And you, you know.”
“I’m glad.” There’s still something on Joshua’s mind, though, even if Neku
can’t hear what it is, and Neku brushes the hair out of Joshua’s eyes to kiss
his forehead.
In response, Joshua straddles his waist, smirking deviously. Neku’s eyes widen
in mild panic, but Joshua just lays a finger on Neku’s lips and presses down
until Neku opens his mouth to let it slide in and licks it. Joshua shivers
throughout his whole body, and Neku’s extremely aware of his ass on Neku’s
crotch.
“You have no idea how much I’ve thought about touching your wings,” Joshua
says, voice low, as he removes his finger to let Neku speak.
“I probably don’t,” Neku admits, “but we’re not going to do this here.”
Joshua hums, sucking his finger, and this is so not something Neku wants to
turn down. “He wouldn’t mind, you know,” he says casually. “He’s done worse in
my house.”
“It’s the – principle of the thing,” Neku manages, mouth dry, as Joshua presses
down one more time before floating back onto the armrest, and Neku really would
rather he had stayed right there. Mr H. Got to remember Mr H. “Not here, not in
freaking CAT’s studio.”
Joshua sighs, shaking his head. “Pity,” he says. “I really wanted to suck you
off.”
And Neku’s tempted to let him. “If you take me out through the window,” he says
shakily, “I’ll let you do it somewhere quiet in the UG.”
“In public?” Neku nods. “Very well, then,” Joshua says, and as soon as it’s out
of his mouth, Neku doesn’t even see him as he pulls them up to a higher
frequency and bounds off with him out the window and up to the roof.
The air doesn’t hit his face up here, even though Joshua’s moving faster than
Neku’s bike, and his wings are vibrating with the strain. He can’t breathe – he
feels like he should be but he just can’t right now, nothing in his chest to
move, and –
Let go, Joshua says, but Neku doesn’t even know what he’s holding onto. Shibuya
has you; I have you; just relax and let go.
He’s trying, fuck he’s trying, and he forces an exhale and just – stops,
doesn’t try to breathe in again, and he feels his heartbeat fade away as his
wings acclimatize. He’s fine. He really doesn’t need to stay alive, does he,
and Joshua’s holding him, painfully bright but so careful, and they’re flying.
Not under his own power, but Neku doesn’t trust himself not to fall, either,
and Joshua loosens his grip and lets Neku just – float there. It’s beautiful.
Shibuya is beautiful, and here above the 104 building he feels like he can see
everything. He looks up at Joshua with eyes full of wonder, but Joshua’s
watching his city, pensive.
“Why were you going to destroy it?” Neku asks, and Joshua snaps around to look
at him. “That’s what I wanted to talk about. You love Shibuya, Josh; how could
you ever ….”
“The city is the composer; the composer is the city,” he says distantly, then
turns to look at him. “We were corrupt, Neku; I had to take it with me so it
wouldn’t infect the rest of Tokyo with our ennui.”
“Plenty of people were fine!” Neku snaps. “Why the fuck would you want to kill
them all?”
Joshua’s brow furrows as he spreads out his wings, and it occurs to Neku
they’re having this discussion hundreds of feet up when he barely knows how to
fly. “The UG needed to go,” Joshua says carefully. “I don’t understand how the
people come into it.”
“You were going to destroy Shibuya,” Neku says.
“Yes.”
“A city of two hundred thousand people.”
“Yes.”
“And you don’t see how they matter here.”
“No, Neku, I don’t,” Joshua says frankly. “I believed they would be better off
without Shibuya.” Neku clenches his fists, but Joshua continues: “– Neku, I
think I see the problem. Are you under the impression destroying a city erases
the inhabitants?”
Uh, fucking duh. “It doesn’t?”
Joshua shakes his head, then covers his face with his hand, laughing softly.
“I’m flattered you think I have that much power, but no, Neku. Shibuya the
entity and Shibuya the physical location are two different things.”
“Explain,” Neku orders, then adds, “like I don’t know anything.” Because he
doesn’t.
“A UG is the product of the citizens’ feelings for their community,” Joshua
says, falling into his lecture mode. “When enough people identify as part of a
group, their soul and intent can coalesce into its own entity, irrespective of
the people forming it. Over time, that entity can become strong enough for its
own composer and traversible Underground, though it takes significantly less
for it to spawn its own associated Noise.
“I have no control over the physical location designated as Shibuya. I do have
control over the community believed by its residents to be ‘Shibuya’, and all
its associated history fall under my domain.”
Is he serious? Of course he’s serious. Neku looks at him. “So if you destroy
Shibuya ….”
“… I destroy the idea of Shibuya, and this would no longer be a place people
would have any investment in living, until either a new UG forms or the nearby
districts lay claim,” he states, and he looks nearly sheepish. “It’s not
something you do when you see other options; the impact on people who’ve
devoted their lives to it is devastating, and it’s not unlikely many of them
would succumb to depression from the shock. Not to mention that all the reapers
would almost certainly be erased.”
Holy shit. “But no one dies?” Neku asks.
“The destruction of soul energy is absolutely tremendous; it’s a massive
setback for all nearby artists –”
“But no one dies.”
“Correct.”
Neku groans. “You couldn’t have mentioned this before?” And he has to have had
some kind of suspicion they weren’t on the same page here, doesn’t he? Or is
‘no, I actually wasn’t going to murder anyone but you’ just some kind of minor
detail?
Joshua crosses his arms, petulant. “I don’t see why you find destruction of a
culture a lesser sin than murder,” he says. “They’re different, of course, but
why is one more forgivable than the other?”
“It’s just a town,” Neku says, and Joshua gapes at him, scandalized. “You
didn’t go through with it, anyway, but the people would have recovered.”
“Just a town,” Joshua repeats, and Neku suspects he might’ve committed some
kind of sacrilege, saying that to the composer. “Neku, dear, you might have
what it takes to be a decent composer, but you would never make a great one
with that outlook.”
“Good thing that’s your job, then.”
Joshua sighs. “It’s not a great quality in a conductor, either, Neku,” he says.
“For all his failings, Megumi knew the whole was greater than the sum of his
parts,” and he falls silent.
Megumi Kitaniji’s dead and they killed him. Neku doesn’t regret it, but …. “You
really miss him, don’t you,” Neku says, and Joshua folds his wings away.
“No,” he replies, then: “maybe. What’s done is done, and you’ll be marvelous in
your own way. I am sorry.”
Neku almost wants to ask him what he’s apologizing for, but there’s no point.
He knows already, anyway. “Sorry I brought up old shit again,” he says instead,
and Joshua hovers upward.
“It needed to be done.”
“Not right then, it didn’t,” Neku corrects, and Joshua inclines his head. “Come
on, Josh, let’s go do something irresponsible.”
***** Chapter 24 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
“Being out here is irresponsible,” Joshua mutters, but he floats back down
behind Neku, resting his hands on his shoulder blades. “You’re beautiful,” he
says, not for the first time, and Neku shudders as Joshua thumbs near the base
of his wings.
Not yet, Neku thinks, and Joshua agrees silently. “Carry me again?” he
suggests, and Joshua easily sweeps him up and settles him over his shoulders,
even with Neku being rather larger than him. It means Joshua has to move his
arms, though, and Neku whines despite himself. Josh hasn’t even touched his
wings, and they’re still painfully sensitive at Neku even thinking about it.
Neku closes his eyes and just listens for what he can sense, Noise and soul
energy drifting through the city to follow the people, and it’s calming. Loud
and chaotic, but calming all the same, people clashing to make something
better. That’s how it’s supposed to go, anyway, and he itches to redirect the
ones going the wrong way.
Joshua chuckles, and Neku tightens his grip. “You’ll be amazing,” he says, and
his whole body vibrates when he speaks. “I chose well.”
“Flatter me without complimenting yourself next time,” Neku grumbles, and
Joshua laughs. The city sounds different everywhere they go, and Neku makes a
bit of a game of it, guessing where Joshua took them before looking to see.
He’s not always right, but he’s right more often than not and Joshua exudes
pride.
Joshua reaches up to pat Neku’s ass, and he squeaks and kicks his feet, banging
them on Joshua’s hips. Joshua doesn’t seem to care, though, and he simply looks
up at Neku now that he has his attention. “You should see Pork City properly
sometime,” Joshua says. “It’s a bit overwhelming, however; are you up for it?”
Neku shrugs. “It’s your city,” he says. “Show me what you think I should see.”
“So it is,” he says, and Neku curls around Joshua’s head as he pulls them up to
a higher frequency. The composer’s power burns, this close up, but Neku doesn’t
know if he could get back down from here on his own, and Joshua at least
doesn’t want to hurt him.
He tugs on their pact by reflex, trying to shield himself from Shibuya with
Joshua’s own power, but it’s pointless.
Sorry, Joshua says, and: It'll just be a moment, and it all cuts off as Joshua
deposits him unceremoniously in the RG.
“Be careful heading back up,” Joshua tells him, as Neku tries to blink the
spots out of his vision and coughs a few times, remembering how to breathe. His
ears are ringing and it’s too loud and too quiet at the same damn time. “Pork
City can be dangerous for the unwary.”
Neku stands up unsteadily and looks around. They’re on the roof, and he shivers
at the memory of the last time he was here. Minamimoto’s not here right now,
and Joshua certainly isn’t going to fake his death.
He might sacrifice himself for Neku, though.
“Nice view,” Neku says, carefully leaving space between him and the edge. He
wonders if he can still die from falling. Best not to find out.
“It’s even better if you raise your frequency,” Joshua says, a bit nervous.
“Jump as high as you can go; too much energy flows through at once for you to
multitask.”
“I don’t know how,” Neku admits, and his wings are still sore from teleporting.
“You can do this, Neku,” Joshua says. “You were tuned high enough a few minutes
ago. You can do it again, can’t you?”
But that was with Joshua’s help! Neku barely knows what he’s doing as a reaper!
Joshua’s just watching him, though, patiently waiting, and Neku glares at him.
The prissy know-it-all never can leave well enough alone, can he, and Neku kind
of wants to punch him.
He’s tuned up too high for Neku to touch him, though, and they both know it.
Fuck it; he growls and throws himself at Joshua anyway and feels himself slide
up. Joshua smirks at him, but it’s lost in the sudden haze of Noise and soul as
all the thoughts of Shibuya pass through here.
If trying to scan Joshua is bad, this is worse, and he’s vaguely aware of
Joshua holding him as he tries to comprehend what’s bombarding his senses. He’s
lucky he doesn’t need to breathe, because remembering to try is too hard right
now.
His head really fucking hurts, and he’s not standing any more, but Joshua’s
power is wrapped around him and it’s nearly soothing, most of the sharp edges
smoothed away by downtuning.
“Any better?” Joshua says, and Neku nods, or tries to. He thinks he does,
anyway; he can’t tell if he’s really moving or seeing or hearing, but it
doesn’t matter. Shibuya’ll tell him what he needs to know.
“It’s incredible,” he says, and it is. So many people in Shibuya, all with
their own hopes and dreams, and they all feel like they matter here, like Neku
can help all of them, like they don’t even need his help. Human potential, for
good or ill, all channeled through the city.
Joshua’s city, and he leans against Neku, pulls Neku into his lap as he
remembers again his body. “Thought you would like it,” he murmurs, and Neku
smiles at him.
“It sucked at first,” he admits, “but it was worth it.” It’s still worth it.
These are all the people the UG works for, and they’re all important. So many
personalities shoved into a small area, so many people looking for more ways to
be themselves. “Thank you.”
“Thank you, Neku,” Joshua says, brushing Neku’s hair as Neku melts into putty
under his hands. The composer has more power than Neku can really comprehend,
but here it’s nearly the same as the energy whirling around them, and Joshua
feels … safe.
Neku could stay like this forever, even if there’s some reason he shouldn’t.
Shibuya would like him to, he knows, and the chaos is peaceful in its own way.
Disorder as the proper state of things, Neku needed only to keep it from
stagnation.
Joshua’s hands venture downwards, teasing Neku’s nipples as he carefully
removes Neku’s shirt, and Neku groans in comfortable relaxation. “You’re meant
for other things,” he says, wistful, “but let me take care of you for a while,
Neku, my conductor.”
“Okay,” he says, and he feels Joshua sliding into his mind. Not changing
anything, just sorting through his thoughts for the day, but Joshua brushes
against a thought of Beat, and Neku nearly wants to cry about it all over
again.
Beat’s a good person, and so is Shiki, but sometimes things don’t work out.
Joshua/Shibuya offers him some of their own knowledge, and Neku accepts it,
wincing at the intimately careful imprint as his wings try to make sense of it.
Neku and Beat living together, married in all but name as Joshua tries to stay
friends. Beat uncomfortable but unsure how to articulate it; Neku refusing to
acknowledge that Beat’s enthusiasm for Neku to see other people doesn’t extend
to the reaper who’d killed him, no matter how much Joshua lets Beat delude
himself into thinking he’s merely a talking dog.
Shiki and Eri’s eventual break-up, though their professional partnership
remains; Neku making too-sharp comments about Eri and not understanding Shiki’s
reluctance to hear him comment on her ex. Neku missing their gallery opening
thanks to a composer spat; Eri always wondering why Shiki’s friends with such a
flake.
Theirs might not be the best of all possible worlds, but there’s a possibility
of healing from their clean break, and they fill in more possibilities as Neku
thinks of them.
In all of them, though, Neku recovers from his breakups. Beat does, too, though
not very well when Neku’d gone UG at 25 and Beat learns in his thirties that
he’s just not in love with Neku anymore, that he needs someone his own age. Too
much baggage, but even then, he finds happiness.
Joshua rarely recovers, and at that, only in the ones where he and Neku keep
their mutual trust and respect, even if the spark is gone. But nor do Joshua
and Neku always split.
And never does Joshua break up with him first.
Neku’s tempted to bury his fingers in Joshua’s feathers, though he won’t. Not
here, anyway, but he gazes up at Joshua’s face and meets his sad smile with one
of his own. “Do you regret this?” Neku asks, and maybe he means their
relationship and maybe he means Joshua’s whole life, but either way the
answer’s the same:
“No,” Joshua says easily. “I did mean it when I said I had a good run.
Everything after your Game’s just a bonus.”
“I don’t regret this either,” Neku admits. “I seem happy in those futures, but
I’ll be happy here, too, and no matter what, Josh, you’re not allowed to give
up.”
Joshua simply watches him, his fingers in Neku’s waistband. “I won’t,” he
promises, though there’s no prescient certainty behind it. “If I go into
retirement without your approval, it’ll be because I’ve a ready successor. You
have my word.”
Neku softens. “Just so long as you’re not sticking me with the job,” he says,
and he reaches up to touch Joshua’s face. It’s strange being out here in broad
daylight, but not bad, and Joshua catches his hand so he can suck on Neku’s
fingers.
He tenses in expectation of the usual shock from Joshua’s body temperature, but
Neku belatedly realizes he isn’t noticing temperature at all, nor is his mouth
wet. It’s still nice, though, his fingers as sensitive as ever and Joshua
tongues at his calluses with evident delight, teasing out Neku’s associated
memories.
He’s never done music practice with Joshua as an audience – not intentionally,
anyway – and Joshua moans in pleasure at the very idea, pressing his teeth to
where Neku’s fingers touch the guitar strings and then where he holds a pencil.
The energy of Pork City pools around them with the composer’s interest, and
Neku’s cock twitches from the echoes of it.
It’s not precisely sexual, but Joshua grips Neku’s cock with his pristinely
soft fingers and toys with it, his attention still on Neku’s hand, and Neku
shudders.
You're a bit young to appreciate creative energy for its own sake, Joshua says,
not unkindly. Sex is simply the easiest way for you to translate it.
Like Joshua isn’t himself a horny bastard, Neku thinks, as Joshua gives Neku’s
palm a final lick before removing his hand from his mouth and sliding out from
under him. Neku sits up to keep from lying on the concrete, and Joshua
resettles himself between Neku’s legs, thoughtful. “You’re a reaper,” Joshua
comments, eyeing Neku’s cock like it’s dinner.
“You just noticed?”
Joshua ignores him. “And we’re only a few notches below my preferred
frequency,” he continues, “so you don’t have enough of a body for disgusting
fluids.”
“I thought we agreed you don’t diss my body.”
He flaps his hand, dismissing it. “I’m not dissing your body,” he says. “I’m
noting the improvements.”
“Which disses my old body,” Neku points out.
Joshua presses his lips together and brushes his nose against Neku’s shaft,
delighting in Neku’s shiver. “You can over-identify with disgusting meat sacks
all you like,” he says primly, “or you can consider that you can ensure you
won’t fart during sex. Your choice.”
Neku tries to digest that, but Joshua finally deigns to slurp up his cock and
that puts a stop to most thinking. How he can still make gross sound effects,
Neku doesn’t know, but his wings pick up Joshua’s power seeping through the
cracks in Neku’s and he chokes off a screech.
It’s not so much painful as intense, and Neku suspects Joshua could actually
erase him doing this if Neku’s vibe was much lower. The blowjob’s almost an
afterthought, compared to Joshua pressing into some of Neku’s weak points and
cleaning them out, preparing to fill them with caulk, and Neku digs his fingers
into Joshua’s hair.
“Holy shit, what are you doing?” Neku says, trying not to thrust into Joshua’s
mouth as Joshua grasps his ass, and Joshua freezes. “I didn’t mean for you to
stop! Just … What the hell?!”
He doesn’t pull his head up to speak, though Neku’d swear he’s actually talking
anyway: “I’m working.” And yeah, he is, Neku trying to relax bonelessly onto
the hard floor as Joshua pulls him into his face, and all the while he feels
like they have the whole city’s attention.
Nobody can see them – there isn’t anyone else on the roof to see them, even if
they weren’t invisible – but he feels exposed and raw as he thrusts up into
Joshua’s face, then lets go of his hair and allows Joshua to pull him up and
over him, Joshua resettling underneath him so Neku can press down.
By rights, the roof should be tearing Neku’s palms and pants up, but it isn’t
as real as Neku is, the texture not important to the idea of the building.
“Joshua, I don’t –” Neku starts, but Joshua shushes him, still with his mouth
otherwise occupied as Neku stiffens and tries to release.
The peak won’t come, though, and Neku nearly panics as it builds in his wings
and gut without a real goal. “Josh, I can’t – I should be done but I’m not –”
and Joshua pulls his head back and laughs, even as Neku groans with the loss of
pressure.
“Shibuya, darling,” Joshua lilts, and Neku collapses down onto him, spent.
“There you go,” he says, petting Neku as he shudders, half-expecting to breathe
heavily like usual but he just can’t.
“I didn’t,” Neku tries to say, “I didn’t come. I thought I was about to, Josh,
and then I didn’t, and – what’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing,” he says soothingly, kissing Neku’s forehead. “You’re perfect, Neku,
and I love you.”
“But I didn’t come,” he says again.
“Did you have fun?” Joshua asks, and Neku nods hesitantly. “There you go,
then.”
“But I didn’t come,” he mumbles, and he feels like he might cry.
Joshua keeps petting him, and Neku feels him carefully avoiding his wings as he
strokes Neku’s neck and back. “Sex is different on higher frequencies,” he says
finally. “You’ll likely approach your old human normal if you pick an RG
partner, but sex among reapers is an abstraction. It’s easier for you to
understand sharing your body than sharing your soul.”
“You never told me sex would be different,” Neku says, and that might actually
be a deal-breaker, as incredible as it was.
Joshua caresses Neku’s shoulders, even as he tenses up, but Neku doesn’t want
him to stop and so he doesn’t. “It isn’t,” Joshua says, a bit uncertain. Did he
even have sex while alive? “The only difference is you notice when your soul
intertwines with someone else, and if their soul is likewise external ….”
“… Then there’s no point where your body says you’re done?” Neku finishes, and
Joshua nods. “Yeah, no, that’s a big difference, Josh!”
“Not really,” he says, and Neku’s wings twitch at Joshua leaking worry. “You
know when you’re done, and if you aren’t, then you keep going.”
“Orgasms, Josh,” Neku says, and Joshua’s still looking at him blankly. “Can I
even still masturbate?”
“In or near the RG, yes,” he says. “Knowing yourself is rather different than
letting someone else know you, after all, though we eventually lose the
physical drive to.”
Great, he can fap while dead. “So you don’t …?”
Joshua glowers at him, and okay, yeah, that’s really personal. “It’s still fun,
Neku, even if I no longer feel any need to. And that’s all I have to say about
that.”
“I could ask to watch,” Neku comments, but Joshua shakes his head.
“That’s completely different, Neku, honestly,” he says, authoritative, and Neku
snickers. “Even if I went through the same motions, the intent would be
different and so would the result.”
“You’re still touching yourself,” he points out, though he does think he
understands. It’s different if you’re putting on a show, and for Joshua …. “Are
you like that all the time?” Neku asks suddenly, climbing off him.
Joshua sits up, comfortably sprawled out. “What are you asking, Neku?”
Oh, god, this is embarrassing. He really wants to know, though, and he loses
himself in Shibuya for a moment as he tries to put his words in order. “Have
you been faking it with me?” he says finally. He’d assumed Joshua was clean
just because that’s the way he is, but if Joshua hadn’t been getting off ….
“I got what I wanted, Neku,” he says, and that’s not an answer. “Please don’t
concern yourself with the details.”
Neku groans. He hasn’t actually been getting him off? What a blow to the ego
that is, but wait, hadn’t he –
“Neku,” Joshua says patiently, “you’ve never left me disappointed in our
‘encounters’. Do you honestly think I would put that much effort into wasting
my time if I got nothing from it? Really, Neku.”
“Then what do you get?” he blurts out, frustrated, and Joshua sighs.
“I could try to explain some of the intricacies of reaper, composer, and angel
sexualities to you,” he says, standing up and offering Neku a hand, “or you
could save us a great deal of time and trust me when I say that physical
orgasms are only one component of sex and I’m happier my way.”
Neku glares at the hand, still wanting to argue, but he’s just being selfish.
After a moment, he takes it and lets Joshua pull him up. “I just want to feel
like I’m good in bed,” he mumbles, and Joshua kisses his clavicle.
“You’re fine, Neku,” he says softly. “You know I don’t keep my complaints to
myself.”
He really, really doesn’t, but Neku still feels like he failed somehow. “Why
didn’t you tell me?” he says finally, and Joshua shrugs.
“It’s hardly relevant, and you still have a human viewpoint now, much less
whenever you’d have had me inform you,” he says. “Plus, I suspected you’d then
be reluctant to do it at all, and that would be – regrettable. Let me take care
of my needs and you take care of yours, hm?”
“Okay,” he concedes, “but tell me if something isn’t doing it for you.”
“I have been,” he says easily, and Neku believes it. He still feels hurt, but
he believes it.
Neku sighs – good to know he can still do that – and rubs at his face. It was
nice, is the thing, and even with it feeling fundamentally wrong by the end,
there’s still little he wants to do now other than cuddle with Joshua. It’s
just … it was different, and Neku doesn’t know if he wants to try to get used
to it.
And Joshua’s still watching him, concerned, and it doesn’t suit him. “I wanted
to make you feel good, not make you unhappy,” he says quietly. “I apologize.”
Neku shakes his head. “You didn’t actually do anything wrong,” he says. “It
just … was weird.” Moreso with his awareness of the city never dropping off,
simply swirling around him with Joshua’s attentions before moving on to where
it’s needed.
Joshua goes and sits on the edge, his feet dangling off as he gazes out over
his district. “It’s strange for me sometimes, too,” he admits. “I don’t like
the RG.”
“It’s my home,” Neku says back, and Joshua’s shoulders slump. Neku sits down
next to him and reaches around Joshua’s back, gently pulling him close.
He flops gratefully onto him, though he doesn’t bring his wings out. “I know,”
he says sadly. “I don’t mind if you want to be downtuned next time, if there is
a –”
Neku cuts him off. “I’m not dumping you just because sex was weird,” he states.
“It’s you; sex is always weird.” Only this time, it was Neku who was strange,
and he’s not sure how to feel about that.
“I can still revive you,” Joshua says, but Neku shakes his head.
“I really don’t want to die and adjust again.” If he took Joshua up on that,
he’d probably never go UG, and the UG isn’t bad. Sometimes it’s beautiful, like
right now, and he’s half-tempted to throw something off the roof to see what
happens. “I might take you up on seeing what it’s like near the RG, though.”
“I don’t think any of the reapers had noticed meaningful differences from when
they were alive,” he offers. “A few more turn-ons and slightly different
criteria for dating partners, but that’s all.”
That sounds promising. “Different how?”
Joshua hums. “Even if you’ve only a tenuous connection to the UG, it’s hard to
be invested in people who haven’t found something to care about. The flip-side
is that everyone who has is inherently more intriguing, even if you don’t care
about their interest at all.”
He thinks about that. “So dead people find artists automatically hotter?”
“And scientists, and writers, and even just people who spend a lot of time
thinking about their hobbies, so long as there’s a creative element,” he
explains. “UG eligibility, in other words, which doesn’t exclude all that many
people.”
Sounds about right. “Most people have something they like doing,” he says, and
Joshua nods. “… How much does being RG bother you?” Neku’s known Joshua
dislikes it, but ….
“I haven’t been fully RG since my first week as composer,” he admits, so that’s
… three weeks after dying? Maybe? “As for downtuning in general, you’ve seen me
most of the times I’ve been within a wall reaper’s perception.”
Neku whistles. Shit, that’s … probably a lot, huh. “Sorry,” he says, meaning
it. Neku already dislikes the shift to and from higher in the UG; he can’t
picture what it’s like going back to the RG’s claustrophobic physicality when
you aren’t used to it anymore.
“It was my own decision,” Joshua replies neutrally, but that doesn’t mean it
doesn’t suck.
And Neku isn’t sure he likes uptuning, either. What a mess. “Does Mr H know we
left?” he says suddenly, and Joshua kicks his feet.
“Of course,” he says, and Neku bristles at his tone. “The producer always needs
to be able to find their composer, and Sanae is no exception.”
Ugh. “Does he know we, uh …?”
Joshua hums, unfolding his wings, and Neku lets his own brush against them, not
really thinking about it. Joshua jumps and Neku yelps, the momentary contact
ruining his train of thought like static on a dead channel, and Neku’s tempted
to grab Joshua’s before he can jerk them away. He doesn’t – that’d be a bad
idea on many levels – but even that brief contact felt good, like he’s got an
ally against the rest of the world.
Joshua swallows loudly. “If he didn’t, he will now,” he says, turning towards
Neku, or possibly his wings away from him. “You don’t need to avoid what you
just did, Neku, and I won’t complain, but do tell me you weren’t just teasing
me.”
He might have been. “I’m not now,” he says honestly, and Joshua groans. Neku
stretches his wings out on purpose and just manages to touch the tip of
Joshua’s, and he’s immediately blindsided by the full force of Shibuya crashing
into him. It’s not painful, though, just disorienting, and by the time he’s
aware again, they’re in Joshua’s place, the composer prone on a couch.
“Please, Neku,” he whines, flapping his wings pathetically, and Neku sighs,
finally sliding down near the RG as his sense of Shibuya fades away. Joshua
almost just looks like a person down here, with Neku no longer able to hear the
energy at his beck and call, and it’s different without being unpleasant. (It
helps that he can breathe or not as he pleases.)
Part of him wants to just leave him there, but that would be nothing short of
cruel. Instead, he sits on the floor and pulls Joshua’s wing closer to him,
gently stroking the feathers, and Joshua pushes into it. Some feathers look a
bit out of alignment, he notices, so he runs his fingers through the pinions as
Joshua sighs in pleasure.
“That good, huh,” Neku says, but Joshua shakes his head. It’s not? He tries
mentally prodding him for how he would describe it, then, but Joshua doesn’t
seem to understand. Probably best to not ask him anything difficult right now,
but Neku is still curious.
He’ll find out later, if he still wants to, but for now he’s content with
watching Joshua squirm under his hands. “You know,” he says casually, “you seem
dignified most of the time, and then I start petting you and this happens.”
“Neku?” he says, dazed, and Neku’s hands meander to the tufts between his
shoulder blades.
“It’s good,” Neku assures him. “You’re doing just fine,” and Joshua melts a
little in pleasure. “It’s funny, is all.”
Joshua nods weakly, and Neku pauses to ruffle his hair. He’s absolutely
adorable like this, and it’s fun to preen him as he turns into a little pile of
mush without enough coherence to be sappy. Maybe that’s what he meant, when he
said he still gets what he wants, but it really isn’t Neku’s business.
What matters is they’re both happy with their arrangement, and Neku thinks they
generally are. They fight a lot – a lot more than he ever did with Beat, and
Joshua lets out an audible whine and Neku tells him sweet nothings until he
calms back down – but they’re trying. They’ve got a lot to work out, after all,
but Neku thinks he’s up for it.
“You’re a good boy,” Neku says, and he tries to keep a straight face as Joshua
looks so amazed, like this is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to him.
“You’ve been trying really hard to be good to me, and thank you,” he adds, and
Joshua honest-to-god trills.
Neku can’t keep himself from giggling; that’s just too much. Joshua stares at
him, mortified, but Neku just smiles at him and yanks a loose feather out and
Joshua buries his head in the couch.
“You’re wonderful, Neku,” he says, muffled.
“Thanks,” Neku replies, smiling, and he finally leaves his wings alone. Doesn’t
mean he gives him some space, though: as Joshua tries to put his head back in
order, Neku hops up onto his couch to sit on Joshua’s flat bony ass.
Neku is king of the mountain, and the composer is in no shape to contest it.
Truly, Neku is the winner.
Chapter End Notes
     Undead blowjobs? Undead blowjobs. Sure.
***** Chapter 25 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Leaving his wings alone doesn’t mean leaving Joshua alone, though, and Neku
plays with Joshua’s hair, still perched on his ass. Joshua folds his wings up
and lets them vanish as he returns to himself, letting out pleased groans
whenever Neku scritches his scalp. Dignity? Joshua needs no dignity, and
Neku’ll gladly take it off his hands.
“Do you mind,” Joshua grumbles eventually, and Neku slaps his ass twice as
Joshua jerks, but fails to dislodge him.
Neku shakes his head, though Joshua can’t see it. (He probably doesn’t need to,
anyway.) “I don’t know,” he replies. “I think I like it here.”
Joshua holds out his hand. “Feather?” he says, and Neku hands him it
expectantly. He taps it to his mouth, tasting the shaft, then hands it back to
Neku, who replaces it as Joshua arches up without dislodging him. “You’re not
very respectful of your composer, dear conductor,” he adds, petulant, and Neku
snorts.
“I’m watching his back,” he says, and Joshua groans at the pun. “You all
right?”
He hums, noncommittal. “You did well with my wings, but I feel a bit –
impatient.”
“Are you ever patient?” he asks rhetorically. “Hey, how does the wing thing
feel, anyway?”
“Indescribable,” he says immediately, and Neku flicks his head until he
elaborates. “A little like you’re the only thing in the world, and your
approval is what I live for. It’s terrifying, but in a clean way; it’s all out
of my control so I can relax now.”
That is … not the answer he was expecting. “It feels bad?” Neku says blankly.
“Then why do you …?”
“No, Neku,” he replies, patiently. “It’s scary, but in a controlled way. I’m
defenseless, but I trust you, and you treat me well.” He slides out from under
Neku, passing through the couch to not drop him, then fades back in sitting
next to him, his head on Neku’s shoulders. “It’s amazing,” he adds, and he’s
blushing.
Neku wraps his arm around him, squeezing his side. “It sounds unpleasant,” he
admits, but his wings ache, even put away as they are.
“It can be,” he murmurs. “You do need to trust them implicitly, and even with
that, most reapers don’t ever do it. It’s necessary for composers, however, and
simply between friends for angels. We can’t maintain our feathers ourselves;
it’s a countermeasure for our tendency to become isolated.”
Neku swallows, sick to his stomach. He’s sure Joshua enjoys it, but the idea
that Joshua has to make himself vulnerable like that … Neku feels like he’s
taken advantage of him, suddenly. “I’m sorry,” he blurts out, and Joshua
chuckles.
“Don’t apologize,” he says. “It more than makes up for physical orgasms, I
assure you, and that’s without even accounting for the taste of your soul when
you know I am the one giving you pleasure.” He licks his lips, and Neku
shivers. “There’s nothing like it, you know; I know exactly what and how you
feel, and then I can have you take all my responsibilities away, if only for a
little while. It’s you who’s cheated by this, really.”
“You give good orgasms,” Neku admits. “You’re weird about it, but you’re witty
and interesting and I always know you’re going to do something unexpected
during sex, and even if I don’t like it at the time, I’m going to look back at
it and laugh, and do you know how rare that is? Knowing that every time I sleep
with you, it’s going to be memorable in a different way? You’re a complete
brat, but I know you mean well, really.”
Joshua smirks. “Now that you’ve admitted it, I’m never going to let you live
that down, you do know that?”
“Good thing I’m not alive,” Neku replies, and Joshua beams at him, an edge to
his smile Neku’s not sure he likes. A reminder of Joshua’s capacity for
cruelty, and though Neku’s pretty sure Joshua isn’t a sadist …
… that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want Neku at his mercy. “You’re one of my
reapers, Neku,” Joshua says. “I doubt that will ever lose its novelty.”
“I’m not going to take orders from you,” he points out. “If you start expecting
me to be another Shades, I’m going to quit.”
Joshua drapes himself further over Neku, letting his head fall into Neku’s lap.
“I won’t; no need to worry about that,” he says easily. “But since you intend
on exercising your mind of your own, any time you do follow my wishes is all
the more satisfying, wouldn’t you say?”
No. No, Neku would not say. “I’ll just have to spite you,” he replies, though
he might give in sometimes to encourage him whenever he’s doing the right thing
…. Hm, this idea has potential.
And Joshua’s grinning, even more self-satisfied. Neku might be making a
mistake. “If you ever want help to stop thinking, Neku,” he says, “I’d be happy
to give it.”
Yeah, definitely a mistake. “Help how?” he says suspiciously, and Joshua offers
him an image.
Neku at Joshua’s feet, tied to him by a loose chain, a necklace, a bracelet, a
chord of Noise: it's your choice, Neku dear, and you could go without, but I do
so love the symbolic bondage, don't you? as Joshua goes about his daily
business, his hand running through Neku’s hair and teasing at the base of his
wings, though he never actually touches them. Neku, too, might be working, but
his role here is composer’s pet, and Joshua’s forbidden him from speaking.
Imprints or waiting for Joshua to scan him of his own accord only; the composer
dislikes mundane sound, and here everything obeys the composer’s rules. Even
Neku: Joshua won’t continue the scene if Neku breaks character, and he’ll
reward him if he lasts until Joshua decides it’s over.
The real Neku double-takes at the imprint, not sure how to react. Is this how
Joshua thinks of him? – but no, even within it they were clear it was an act,
something to do for fun, and it has the feeling of a well-worn fantasy. Why
this is what Joshua would contemplate in his private time, Neku doesn’t know,
but the fact remains that it is and Neku needs to be careful, or else Joshua
won’t share again.
“Why?” he says finally. “What do you get from that?”
“I like being in control,” Joshua says simply.
Neku knew that much, but fuck, there has to be less ridiculous ways to get it.
“And that’s all you’d want to do with it?”
He looks at his nails. “Oh, I don’t know,” he says blandly. “It might be fun to
jerk you off, if you’re particularly well-behaved.”
Even expecting it, Neku still chokes. “Don’t think that’s what people generally
do with pets,” he mumbles, and Joshua shrugs.
“It’s what I would do with you,” he says honestly. “Pet you, feed you, possibly
fuck you, though that really wouldn’t be the point, and simply enjoy your
company as we both do as we please.”
And the leash would have nothing to do with it, Neku’s sure. This had better
not be some kind of revenge for the dog-walking, and Neku crosses his arms over
Joshua’s face, glaring at the foosball table like Joshua’s absurdity is its
fault.
“Did I cause offense?” Joshua says eventually. “I know I don’t own you, Neku,
but it would be nice to pretend.”
Yeah, for him, maybe. Neku keeps glaring for a while, then sighs and pets
Joshua’s hair. “Nah,” he says eventually. “It sounds like fun, but you’re going
to have to give me a while to get used to the idea.”
Joshua smiles up at him, trying to turn his head enough to kiss Neku’s hand as
he squirms and lets out little groans of pleasure. “No rush,” he says easily.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d be amenable at all, to be honest.”
“It’s not asking much of me,” he points out. It’s not really asking anything of
him, actually: people generally don’t expect their pampered pets to be at their
beck and call. “You got any other weird fantasies about me?”
“Of course,” he says. Neku waits. “Were you expecting me to share?”
Asshole.
Joshua sniffs. “Neku, I’m hardly going to bare my id for you when I hardly know
your kinky interests. I expect payment in kind before I even consider sharing
ones you’ll find less innocuous.”
But Neku wants to know. He shakes himself; he’s being petty and really not
fair, even if Joshua’s other fantasies are likely to be worrying. They’re
fantasies, he reminds himself. Joshua doesn’t expect them to come true; they’re
just things he likes thinking about.
“What makes you think I even have kinky interests?” Neku snaps, then
reconsiders. He’s not vanilla, damn it!
“I’ve met you, for one,” he replies loftily, and Neku flips him off.
“Have you been reading my mind,” he growls, and Joshua stares at him. Okay,
yeah, that’s a bad question. He tries again: “Did you spy on me when I was
jacking off?”
Joshua furrows his brow. “Why would I even want to?” he says, and that’s not a
denial. Neku starts to scramble up, but Joshua holds him steady. “No,” he
blurts out. “Neku, I honestly have no interest in what you think about in your
own time, and any time I checked on you and you were masturbating, I tuned you
out immediately.”
But how can he – Neku takes a deep breath, and feels the pressure Joshua’s
exuding lighten up. “You didn’t spy,” he says, and Joshua’s thinking of
bolting.
“I didn’t,” he confirms, and Neku reaches for his shoulder, though Joshua
diverts him to rub his arm instead. “No good could come of it if I had, and
I’ve had enough of the awkwardness that comes from not ignoring any thoughts of
me that may or may not come about during that activity.”
Neku tries to relax, and he feels Joshua offering his help. Can’t hurt, he
figures, and Joshua releases a whistling sigh as Neku’s heart rate calms back
down and his breathing returns to normal. He rubs Joshua’s ears in thanks,
watching him close his eyes. “You sound like you’re speaking through
experience,” Neku mentions, and Joshua cracks an eye open.
“It’s rude to speak ill of the dead,” he murmurs, and Neku strokes his neck,
conscious of Joshua pressing into his hand.
“You’re dead.”
Joshua barks a laugh. “It isn’t any of your business,” he says, and then:
“Megumi had a crush on me. He never acted on it, and I never brought it up, but
I regret knowing. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
Neku shuts his mouth. It isn’t, but he was prying, and he regrets it. There’s
just so little of Joshua’s history he knows, and he – he keeps wanting to
change that, but it’s never anything he feels better for learning. “Sorry,” he
says, meaning it, and Joshua shrugs.
“There’s nothing to be done about it,” he says quietly. “I give strangers their
privacy because I honestly could not care less, and people I know so I don’t
learn anything I can’t easily forget. Even if it’s about me. Perhaps especially
if it’s about me.”
He nods slowly. “Yeah,” he says. Need a topic change …. “So what do you think
you know about me?”
Joshua pauses, thinking. “You’d make a decent sadist,” he muses, “though you’re
the type who would need constant reassurance your partner’s enjoying it; you
don’t get off on the thought of it being unwanted, even if both of you know
it’s just a scene.”
“I don’t know if I should be offended,” Neku states, and Joshua laughs.
“It’s a compliment, really,” he says easily. “I think you would be bored
without any of that, and I – conveniently enough – am a masochist through and
through.”
Neku hadn’t really thought about it like that, but it makes sense. “Go on.”
“You’d also make a decent dom,” he states, “though I can’t see you as being
much of a switch. You like feeling in control too much to ever give it up,
while I like having it effortlessly, or fighting for it and losing. I am lazy,
you know.”
That, Neku can agree with. “Topping you would be an exercise in futility,” he
says flatly, and Joshua chuckles, irritating as ever.
“That’s what makes it fun!” he says with a shit-eating grin, and Neku presses
his elbow down on his face. Joshua licks it, and the cold tongue against his
funny bone leaves Neku’s hair standing on end. “Case in point.”
“I think you’re just trying to give me an ulcer!” Neku squeaks, and Joshua
laughs at him. Jerk! Jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk.
“As for top vs bottom,” Joshua finishes, “I would say … bottom. Definitely
bottom.”
“I am not a bottom!” Neku shrieks, and the laughing. Always with the laughing.
“Neku, it’s not a value judgement,” he says, and Neku still feels like he’s
being judged. “I simply mean you prefer being acted upon to being the active
one. In other words, you’re lazy in bed.”
“I do plenty!” he snaps. He’s been active plenty of times!
And Joshua’s still smiling, though when isn’t he? “I’m also lazy, Neku,” he
says. “One of us has to do the work, and I hate working up a sweat.”
He doesn’t sweat anyway. Neku recrosses his arms. “You go down on me,” he
points out.
“Which doesn’t involve moving, note.” He’s grinning at his own cleverness, and
in this regard, Neku can’t blame him. Neku gets off, Joshua enjoys getting him
off, and Josh gets to be a lazy fucker. (Literally.) “If you’re looking for a
starting point, consider – as an example – ordering me to pleasure you, and
think of what you might want from there.”
But Joshua likes pleasuring him, he thinks, and then Neku could slap himself.
Of course he does; that’s the point. They’re both supposed to have a good time;
that’s why Joshua talked about his preferences, so Neku knows what to keep in
mind. “Maybe,” he says, and Joshua folds his arms behind his head to recline
further onto Neku, his feet propped up on the couch’s armrest.
“I look forward to seeing what you come up with,” he says, and Neku smirks. Oh,
no, he won’t. Not once Neku knows what he’s going to do.
But that can come later. “Do you have my shirt?” he asks, and Joshua snaps his
fingers. Neku’s bag reappears on the table, and next to it, the shirt he was
wearing earlier. “Going to take a shower,” he explains.
“Ah, the perils of youth,” he sighs, sitting up and putting his bare feet on
the table. Joshua wiggles his toes, and Neku belatedly realizes he’s still
wearing shoes from being outside. He flushes, and Joshua quirks his brow.
“Congratulations on earning mopping privileges,” he says. “Supply closet is
behind the bar.”
“You’re the one who teleported me straight in here,” Neku grumbles. And he’s
getting his feet on the table, gross. Even if they are clean.
“I’m incapable of collecting dirt,” he says. “The same cannot be said for your
shoes.”
Neku rolls his eyes. Joshua might be talking, but all Neku hears is blah, blah,
blah, I am a prick. He’ll probably do his part in cleaning up, but it’s
Joshua’s own fault and he’s the fucking composer: he can clean it his own damn
self.
Meanwhile, Neku’s fucking him for some obscure reason. Ugh.
He storms off to the bathroom, bag of stuff in hand, and then realizes. He
takes his shoes off and storms off to the shoe rack, and his freaking slippers
seem like they’re laughing at him. “Your taste is bad!” he informs Joshua, but
Joshua’s as unaffected as ever.
The shower’s a breath of fresh air, even with the humidity, and it’s so nice
Joshua’s place has one even with Joshua not needing to bathe.
… Why does Joshua have one? He tries sending Joshua a mental nudge, and Joshua
sends back a flash of proud pleasure. Neku’s growing so fast~!
“This is reaper headquarters!” Joshua shouts over the rushing water, and he
sounds like he’s standing right outside the shower door. Neku furrows his brow,
but doesn’t try to check. “Other people need these amenities, even if I don’t,
and some find it relaxing after a long day!”
“So it’s not about me?” Neku yells, faux-indignant, and Joshua laughs.
“Few things are, my dear Neku,” he says, and he fades away. Neku shakes his
head: he didn’t need to put it that way, but oh well.
What would he do, without Joshua to kick his pride in once a conversation?
Jerk. (But he’s Neku’s jerk, and he smiles fondly at the thought.)
He takes his time in the shower as always, careful not to muck up his hair, and
even if it’s not efficient, Neku’s sure the water isn’t precisely real. Or
perhaps it’s more than real: his wings feel the patter of the spray as much as
the rest of him, and he lets his frequency climb until his lungs start
rebelling from the strain, Shibuya’s power washing over him in more ways than
one.
Shibuya power and Shibuya dirt underscored by Shibuya love, and Neku feels the
district ease him up past where his body functions. It should hurt, but all he
feels is Joshua’s hum of excitement and pride as Neku finishes his shower and
steps out, already dry. He roots through his bag for an outfit, and while he
always remembers how he got his clothes anyway, the faint ringing in his ears
catches a sour note when he touches something he bought elsewhere, Shibuya
pushing him towards Shibuya products.
Joshua’s not the only one who gets territorial, Neku supposes, and he might
need to sort through his laundry if this will always happen. “I’d be wearing it
all in Shibuya,” he grumbles. “You don’t need to be this grumpy.”
Shibuya wants you to take up the conductor mantle, Joshua tells him as Neku
gets dressed. None of his clothes have wrinkles anymore, and Neku feels
strangely pleased with himself once he’s got on local brands. We know you'll
leave, but Shibuya wants you as Ours as We can make it. That means buying local
or making things yourself, as much as you can manage.
Figures. Neku rolls his eyes dramatically, and checks himself in the mirror.
His hair’s flawless, even better than it’d been before he put the shower cap
on, and he has to stare at it for a minute before he accepts that. His hair’s
as much an art piece as some of his clothes, he supposes, and he decides to
test if his whole body’s a canvas by the district’s standards. Let’s see, what
does Joshua have in his cabinets ….
Heh. Even if Neku’s barely seen him wear it, Josh still has at least a bit of a
lipstick collection, and Neku picks out a nice gunmetal grey. He’s pretty
clumsy about application, but it evens out even as Neku puts it on and it looks
right. Appropriate, even, and he feels his wings twitch.
He heads back to the lounge, and Joshua’s napping from all appearances, though
Neku senses that he’s merely working. “You found my secret,” he says, and Neku
lowers a brow. “Your appearance is mutable, dear Neku, but Shibuya remembers
and will help you be who you’re supposed to be.”
“So no smearing?” he says, and Joshua inclines his head, eyes still casually
shut as he reclines on the table and couch comfortably.
“None whatsoever,” he purrs. Lucky bastard, but that’s Neku now, too. “Nor will
it fade until you wish it to, and no one will find it noteworthy.”
Neku purses his lips. “How do you mean?”
He cracks a violet eye open to look at him. “Did you think this was my original
palette?” he drawls, curling some of his bangs between his fingers.
“I’d never really thought about it,” Neku admits, and Joshua nods sharply. Oh.
That makes sense, he supposes: Shibuya kept Neku from questioning it
unprompted. “It’s not natural?”
“Not originally,” he corrects. “I haven’t put effort into that facet of my
appearance for decades, and you won’t have to, either, the more you keep your
body a construct. Time doesn’t affect us the same way as it does humans.”
‘Us,’ like Neku’s the same as him. His first reaction’s to object, still not
willing to be grouped with him even if it’s true, but Joshua’s lazy smile goes
forced and he feels a flash of guilt. If Neku plans on keeping his wings, he is
going to have more in common with Joshua as time goes on, and that’s not a bad
thing.
Neku takes a deep breath, and while he can’t use air at this frequency, his
wings pull from the district with the gesture. “It’s just weird to think
about,” he says, and Joshua nods absently. No offense taken, as far as he
knows, and he leaps onto Joshua, Neku’s shape staticking as he jumps.
Joshua lets out an oof of surprise, but he’s spongy under him, no bones to
clunk against, and Neku bounces back up. “Hello, Neku,” Joshua says, amused,
and Neku leans back on him, pressing his shoulder down on Joshua’s face. He
hears a chuckle, and that’s the only warning before Joshua deftly lifts him
enough to lick between his shoulders, and Neku shrieks.
Cold, cold – well, not really, but that’s what Neku expected and that’s enough
to make it so for a moment, and only Joshua’s grip on Neku’s power keeps his
wings from whacking Joshua in the face. “Neither of us want that, dear,” he
murmurs, kissing where he’d licked, and Neku deeply regrets sitting on him.
It’s not unpleasant, but it’s horribly intimate and Neku has the bizarre
feeling of panicking without his heart racing.
Nothing’s wrong, he tells himself; it’s all fine and Joshua means him no harm,
no harm at all, but it’s hard to get himself to believe that and Joshua holds
perfectly still, waiting for him to relax. “I’m okay,” Neku says after a
minute. “I’m okay.”
“Inform me if I go too far,” Joshua says, but all he does is loosely wrap
himself around Neku, pulling him into a light hug. Neku relaxes into it, and
Joshua cautiously nuzzles him. It feels so weird on this frequency, Joshua’s
mood mattering more than the contact, but all Neku senses from him is Joshua
enjoying his company and wanting him to be happy, and it’s a heady feeling.
So strange, to know he’s one of the most important things in Joshua’s life, but
sad, too. He sends his own reassurance and concern for Joshua’s wellbeing, and
Joshua replies too quickly to interpret.
? he sends, and Joshua repeats it slower. He has other friends, other hobbies;
Neku doesn’t need to worry about what else Joshua does with his time.
It’s hard not to worry when he knows Joshua doesn’t have that much else going
on, though, and Joshua sighs in exasperation, kissing up Neku’s neck. Marking
territory, and Neku’s not as bothered by that as he would have been. Joshua
means well; he wants Neku to know he has somewhere to return to, that’s all,
that he’s wanted for his own sake, not what he can do for him.
Joshua wants him, but he doesn’t want him for anything. He just wants him to be
there, and Neku turns so he can pet Joshua’s hair. He might be preoccupied with
whatever he’s working on, but that doesn’t stop him from groaning at Neku’s
touch and guiding Neku’s hands down to caress his face. He’s so smooth, no
pores Neku can feel, and Neku leans in to kiss him.
His heart’s not in it. He’s just as enthusiastically terrible as always, but
his heart’s not in it and Neku knows it, feels his attention wandering, and
he’s nearly insulted. Only nearly, though: Joshua is Shibuya’s first and
foremost, and that’s … that’s not something Neku should change, or even wants
to. Neku keeps kissing, though, and Joshua smiles into it, even as his mind’s
on some interference in Udagawa, a scar in the local energies that collects
Noise.
“Am I distracting you?” Neku murmurs, and Joshua shakes his head, not willing
to spare the energy to vocalise. They’re both Shibuya’s, after all: their
district can spare them time for themselves.
Neku doesn’t really understand the work he’s doing, but Joshua tosses him the
visualization of some of it and Neku tries to imagine how he’d work out the
tangles. It’s more complicated than that, he knows, but it’s close enough for
composer work, and Joshua strokes Neku’s shoulder in pride.
“You know, Neku,” he says when they reach a break point, “tutoring someone you
like is one of the most satisfying things you could do, now that you’ve got
your wings.”
Good to know, only he doesn’t know who he’d teach, or what. “Dead people like
sharing their reasons to hang on?” he guesses, and Joshua applauds.
“Bravo, Neku: precisely,” he says, and as obnoxious as he is, Neku senses he
said it completely earnestly. A little strange, but Joshua adds surprise that
Neku could even think he’s being sarcastic, and Neku groans. “You sound like
me, you know, not just like Shibuya.”
“How do you tell?” he asks, and Joshua shrugs, like he might as well ask what’s
red.
But he instead pulls Neku closer, and Neku loses himself for a moment in all
Joshua needs to pay attention to. So many people, all with their own lives.
“May I?” he asks, and Neku nods jerkily.
Their focus tightens, Joshua leading the way, and Neku presses himself closer
to him even as it burns the shell of his wings. They drift through space for a
moment, only people and the echoes of architecture relevant to their senses,
until Joshua settles on the Bitou family, filling Neku’s awareness with their
music.
They deserve their privacy, he thinks, but Joshua interprets each line into
their hopes and dreams, their histories, their relationships. Beat and Rhyme
share so many motifs, especially, and that’s what Joshua points him to. They’re
functional pieces on their own, but together their medley’s even greater, and
Joshua points to their borrowed chords and Shibuya’s editing notes. Everyone
adopts bits and pieces of other people’s music into their own – and he shows
him hints of Neku, too: his resilience and determination, his ability to plan,
their partnership in week three – but it’s not always healthy, and he pulls
back to their last conversation with their parents.
They love each other – he’d assumed as much, but now sees it to be true – but
that love is poisoned by their misplaced expectations and what-might-have-
beens, and every iota of Neku itches to fix it. He can’t, of course, but he
wants to, and Joshua pulls him back to his body.
“I love you,” Joshua tells him, as Neku tries to reorient himself, and it’s a
question.
Neku smiles, as good an answer as any, and Joshua slides him down so he’s lying
on the couch with his head in Joshua’s lap, letting him stroke him
possessively. “I know you do,” he murmurs, and Joshua thumbs at his ear.
“You can’t fix everyone,” he says. “We’d erase ourselves trying; there’s too
many and we need to let them do it for themselves, as much as we can.” Neku
closes his eyes, and Joshua continues: “The Bitou children will be fine. You
made sure of that, dear Neku.”
The idea settles uneasily over him, so he says: “You aren’t going to claim
responsibility?” It was Joshua’s Game, after all, that pushed them to work
things out.
“You talked to him, befriended him, supported them both once you returned to
the RG, and they’ll never forget that, no matter what happens later,” he says
with quiet pride, and Neku blushes. “Rhyme misses you, by the way, and
Daisukenojo wants to remain friends.”
“I’ll talk to them,” he promises. “… Why do you call him that?”
Joshua stiffens. “That’s his name,” he says sharply, then corrects himself.
“His preferred nickname is too informal, I suppose.”
“It’s rude to call someone by a name they hate,” he grumbles, but at least Beat
doesn’t have to hear it. “Maybe I’ll call you Yoshiya until you switch.”
Joshua gazes down at him, something complicated on his face. “I met a version
of me who hasn’t gone by Joshua for decades,” he admits. “You can call me
anything you like, Neku. You already do, after all,” and there’s an edge there.
“It’s not like I don’t know what your name is,” he grumbles. “I just don’t like
using people’s names.”
“That would be more convincing if I didn’t know you usually don’t know them,
Neku,” Joshua says. “People usually like hearing their names.”
Neku shrugs. “I can call you by name more often if you want me to, Josh,” he
says, and Joshua’s grip on him tightens. “Still not going to do it often, but
if it means something to you ….”
“Names are important,” he says seriously, as he starts massaging Neku’s scalp,
and Neku feels that extending into his mind a little. Not meddling, exactly,
but loosening up some of his thoughts and it’s nice, Neku eagerly pushing into
his hand. “To call the Bitous by their nicknames is to claim familiarity, and I
suspect they’d rather I never think of them at all.”
‘Suspect?’ Neku mouths, and Joshua elaborates: “Raimu knows many composers
would have left her Noise. She’s scared of me, but she’s unlikely to judge you
for our association, Neku.”
Neku momentarily pictures a world where Rhyme never got to come back and
shudders. Fuck, no wonder Beat won’t take that as evidence Joshua isn’t out to
get them: that’s just a minimum standard of decency, not even worth considering
otherwise. “Did you get in trouble for that?” Neku asks. Joshua might be fine,
but the higher ups ….
“No,” he says easily. “We have free reign, more or less; our budgets are our
only real constraint, and reviving her was a comparatively minor part of
cleanup.”
Neku nods warily, and Joshua adds: “Sanae was questioned over it, but no one
would bat an eye over a producer saving a player or two in other contexts, so
long as the composer approves. They aren’t supposed to, but everyone does it.”
So he got in trouble, but only because he was a huge asshole. Neku’s fine with
that, actually, even if he’s still not sure he’d trust the Higher Plane as far
as he could throw them. “I’ll talk to her,” he says again, and he’ll do it
soon, too.
“Excellent,” Joshua says, even as his fingers burrow into Neku’s scalp and he
doesn’t feel like moving ever. Neku feels spoiled, he really does, and Joshua
just looks proud of himself for it. “Neku,” he says, digging into his
shoulders, “you’re beautiful, truly.”
Neku’s heard that, yeah, but instead he lets out a rattling whine as he squirms
up onto Joshua’s lap, and he feels Joshua’s hands go through his wings in
surprise. “You can touch them,” he says, his voice wavering, and Joshua pauses
before returning to his ministrations.
“You shouldn’t trust me,” Joshua murmurs, running his fingers along Neku’s
hyoid bone to feel him swallow, but Neku’s undeterred. “Neku, why do you trust
me?” he says plaintively, and Neku reaches up to grab his wrist, smiling.
“You’re my partner,” Neku says simply. “I trust my partners, and you’re not
going to do anything I wouldn’t want you to.” Even if he revises Neku’s
memories, he won’t take more than Neku wants him to. Just enough to make it
easier, just enough for them both to know Joshua can do good with it.
Neku knows what he’s doing in handing over control like this, and yet it’s
Joshua who’s scared. “I didn’t put together a plan of attack,” Joshua admits,
but Neku figured as much. Another way to give Neku an out; another way to force
Neku to take it. Neku’s sick of it, sick of everyone thinking they know what’s
best for him.
“This way you know to play it safe,” he says flatly, and Joshua closes his
eyes. “You won’t hurt me,” he adds, and Joshua bites his lip.
He’s done the same for Neku plenty of times; what’s the problem? Neku knows
Joshua wants to; he’s just … afraid to want to, Neku supposes, or hates himself
for it. “Joshua,” Neku tries carefully, because this is important: “I know
you’ve done a lot of nasty things, and a lot of it was awful to me personally.
I know. I’m never going to forget it, either.”
“Nor should you,” he mutters, and Neku flicks his face.
“I’m not gonna,” Neku says again, “but that was a while ago, and I trust you,
okay? You’re a bastard, but you’re not the kind of bastard who’d mind control
me, or erase me, or whatever the fuck you’re scared you’d do if you had the
chance. It’s okay.”
Joshua stares at him, then vanishes and reappears on the other couch, and Neku
doesn’t bang his head but it’s a near thing. “No, it isn’t,” Joshua says, and
Neku hears him pulling Shibuya around himself, feeding off the district for
emotional support, and Neku wants to sigh. “Neku, I don’t think we have the
right kind of relationship for this.”
“Then why do you keep letting me do it to you?!” Neku yells, and Joshua
freezes. “Sorry, I just – you keep jumping at the chance to show me you trust
me, and then anytime I try to return the favor, you get like this. What the
hell are you so afraid of?”
Joshua stares at him a moment longer, then slumps, his wings unfolding, as he
flops down onto the couch with his hand over his face in some caricature of
frustration. “You,” he says simply, and Neku groans. “Neku, I don’t understand
how even now after you’ve seen more than your share of my capacity for cruelty,
you would still claim to trust me. Did you think our first time was a fluke?”
He places his own hands over his throat, and Neku winces.
“You’re not a bad guy,” he says, but Joshua only laughs.
“I wanted to know if you could do it,” he says, and the corners of his mouth
are up but that’s no smile. “I could have found other ways to introduce you to
my wings, but I didn’t want to, Neku. I wanted to see you with blood on your
hands, and if it was mine, all to the better. Will you still profess to trust
me?”
“Yes,” Neku says, even as the confirmation stings. He thought as much, but ….
“You asked me about my fantasies,” he adds, and Neku’s stomach drops in dread.
“Shall I tell you how much I want you with a gun to my head?” No, Neku thinks,
but Joshua tries to send him the imprint anyway, and Neku’s wings tingle from
the strain. “The only reason you trust me is you refuse to know me,” Joshua
says lightly. “I’m not whatever saint you imagine me to be, dear Neku; I’m
Shibuya’s composer and none of us are known for kindness.”
Neku rubs at his forehead. “I never,” he starts, but it’s pointless. Joshua
isn’t going to listen. “Look, if you don’t want to, that’s fine; just tell me.”
Joshua bites his lip, and Neku continues: “Or don’t tell me, but stop trying to
chase me off! I like you, and you fucking know I like you; what the hell do I
have to do to prove to you that you don’t have any surprises up your sleeves,
huh? Just –” and he cuts himself off, unwilling to keep putting himself out
there, as Joshua shifts to his dog form and pads over, putting his nose in
Neku’s face.
He sighs and starts petting him, and Joshua licks his face. I'm sorry, he says
miserably. I don't know what to do, Neku.
“You can start by not trying to piss me off,” Neku states, but he pulls Joshua
into a hug and pats his neck. “I’m not mad at you, Josh; I just … you keep
pulling this shit, and it’s rough, dude. Doesn’t mean I hate you, doesn’t even
mean I get mad at you, but I don’t really know what I’m doing either and you
just got to try to trust me, okay? Believe me when I say I trust you, because I
ain’t wrong to, even if you’re a fucked up mess.”
Joshua shudders back into human form, gazing down at him. “I’m trying,” he says
quietly. “It’s difficult, Neku.”
“I know,” he replies, and he does know, really. Not the same way, but the self-
hate? The constant attempts at pushing people away? Neku’s been there, and
Joshua did more than a bit of getting him back out. “Do you want to?”
And he sits down next to him, shoulders hunched. “Very much so,” he admits,
“but I’m not sure why you would.”
Neku takes his time getting his thoughts in order; Joshua probably wouldn’t be
convinced by because I want to, even if it’s true, and Neku knows it’s an
intensely personal subject. He trusts Joshua; he’s curious; he wants to more
fully experience the UG; because he can; but what he says is this: “If you
trusted a composer, wouldn’t you want to try it?”
Joshua chuckles darkly. “You sound like Megumi,” he says, and Neku pulls him
into a hug. “I still don’t know what mistakes I made with him, you realise.”
He doesn’t, either, but there’s no way of answering that. “You’ll be careful,”
Neku says. “I trust you.”
“You shouldn’t,” Joshua mutters, but Neku baps him and he adds: “I know you do,
but my feelings remain the same.”
“Are you planning on hurting me?” Neku says, and Joshua goes blank. “Then it’s
fine.”
He hums as he leans on Neku like a pointy blanket, and pulls Neku’s arm up and
over his neck. “Wing-touching for the first time is generally unpleasant, Neku,
and the types of work I’d like to do are liable to leave you a wreck for a day
or two,” he says. “Nothing damaging – simply refining some of your memory
triggers and helping you better use your wings – but either one of them is
stressful and I’d want to supervise your recovery.”
This again? He’s not surprised Joshua’d been serious about it the whole time,
but he was half-hoping it was just to dissuade him. “Okay,” Neku says steadily.
“I trust you.”
Joshua’s silent for a moment, then snaps up. “You should go do anything you
need to do around town in the next few days now, Neku, and I’ll make sure I
have everything I want for you by the time you get back.”
“Chili dogs, right?” he says, and Joshua smiles.
“Absolutely,” he says, interlacing his fingers, then he glances at the wall
tank and sighs softly. “Shall I make up the guest room?”
He has a guest room? Neku thinks, then realises. Oh. That guest room. “You need
new furniture for it, don’t you?” Neku says uncertainly. “That’d be nice, but
only if it isn’t too much trouble.”
Joshua inclines his head, determined. “If you’re going to stay over with any
regularity, it’s a good idea,” he says firmly. “Do you know what sorts of
things you’d want?”
Neku shrugs. “I could go to IKEA and look around,” he says, and Joshua makes a
face. “What? It’s cheap.”
“Cheap it may be, but if you’re buying from there, that’ll be your furniture
and I expect you to take it with you when you find a place of your own,” he
grumbles. “It’s your room and your prerogative, and I’m all in favor of you
having your own space, but that’s icky.”
“Icky,” Neku repeats. “Well, Josh, it’s my best idea on short notice,” he says,
and Joshua rolls his eyes. Yeah, okay, it is Neku’s fault it’s even on short
notice, but it’s not like Neku was going to stay in the room of some dead guy.
Some other dead guy.
“Take some of the reapers with you,” Joshua says finally. “You’ll need extra
pairs of hands, and I am not going to ask other composers for their cooperation
in moving things the fast way.”
“Aren’t they on break?” Neku says rhetorically, but let’s face it: Joshua can
probably tell them to do anything at any time and they’ll hop to. He can erase
them on a whim, after all. “I’m not sure how I feel about this.”
“We pay them,” he says simply, looking at his nails. “Not very well, I’ll grant
you, but they get overtime for this sort of thing, and I can send out a request
for volunteers.”
“And if no one does …?” They’ve got to have better things to do than help Neku
shop, after all.
Joshua brushes his hair out of his face. “Such little faith,” he says lightly.
“Yashiro and Kariya both would like the extra hours, and if you buy them lunch
to seal the deal … well, it’s not on me to help you win them over, but you’d
hardly be the first to employ the reapers for odd jobs.”
He still doesn’t have any of their names down, but Joshua sends him the image
irritably anyway, and right, Pinky and Lollipop. Not exactly his first choice
for shopping partners, but not his last, either; they’re reasonably competent
and a decent sort. “I’ll ask them when I know what I want,” he says. “I don’t
want to waste their time or anything.”
“As you will, then,” he says, laying a kiss on Neku’s forehead. “They aren’t
doing anything exciting today, however, and they really could use the overtime
pay. It shouldn’t be a problem.”
They still aren’t Neku’s personal army of gofers, though, and he doesn’t want
to treat them like it. “So,” he says, changing the subject, “what do you think
I need?”
Chapter End Notes
     Kink negotiationnnnnnnnnn.
     Happy holidays! Have a bonus chapter; I felt like updating.
***** Chapter 26 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
He’s got a reasonably thorough shopping list by the time he’s done, and he even
manages to text Rhyme that he hopes she’s doing well. That was all the social
interaction he’d had planned, but she got back to him quickly and he doesn’t
have the heart to leave her to face the school week alone.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asks him for the third time, when he zones out
while she’s talking about math class, and he forces a nod.
“I’m fine,” he says. “I just got weird associations with trig, sorry.”
“My brother does, too,” she admits. “He tries to hide it, but I remember – some
things, and the stuff that’s been on his mind lately ….”
“My fault, I think,” Neku says, and it hurts to admit it, but it’s true. “I’m,
um, I’ve been helping out the composer with some stuff, and he’s worried about
me.”
Rhyme hums, stretching her arms, and he notices he can barely scan her at all.
A pleasant surprise, but strange. “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody’s
around, does it make a sound?” she says rhetorically, and then looks up at him.
Fuck, she’s tall these days. “He thinks if he ignores things he doesn’t like,
it doesn’t matter that they happened. He’s stubborn.”
“He is,” Neku says fondly. Usually he’d be the one trying to kick him out of
that, but this time, it’s probably unwanted. “Is he okay, do you think? We
broke up a week ago ….”
She sighs. “He’s okay, but you know how he is. Fall down seven times and get up
eight, but it takes him a while to see why he keeps stumbling.”
“That’s what he’s got us for,” Neku says fiercely, but right, shit. “Let me
know if there’s anything I can help with, okay? For either of you.”
She fidgets. “Are you sure you’re okay, Neku?” she says carefully. “Because
you’re ….”
“I’m what?” he echoes, and she shrugs. “– Don’t tell Beat, but I’m, uh, a
reaper now,” he blurts out. “I don’t have any duties or anything and the
composer’s offered like a billion times to rez me, but it’s pretty neat and I
really hope you’re not mad at me –”
“I’m not mad,” she says quickly, but he doesn’t think it’s sunk in yet. She
bites her lip, thinking, then says tentatively: “It isn’t bad, for you?”
“It isn’t,” he confirms, and if anyone has the right to be angry at him, it’s
her. “The composer’s a good guy and I really like him and he needs someone to
help him with stuff and he’s not going to make me do anything I don’t want to,
I swear, and –”
She holds up her hand. “I get it, Neku,” she says. “I’m … I’m not happy about
this, but it’s your decision, and – I know the reapers aren’t all bad. A lot of
them have been nice to me since – since, but nobody’s a monster, Neku. It’d be
easier if they were, so we’d know. Be careful, okay?”
“I’m trying,” he says, but she’s less than convinced. She’s got a point,
though. “Are you going to tell Beat?”
“Not ‘til he stops getting aggressively cheerful every time someone mentions
you,” she replies matter-of-factly, and Neku groans. That bad, huh. “It’s our
secret, but ….”
But she’s not happy, he finishes, and the prospect of her disappointment is
even worse than if she’d yelled. “I’m on the lookout for kids like you were,”
he says abruptly. “I don’t want – that was wrong.”
“We knew the rules,” she says, and it’s not a comfort, but Neku supposes you
have to at least start making peace with that if you spend a week as Noise.
“Life has suffering; ours just had the final pain sooner than most. I try not
to be mad about it.”
“You’ve got new dreams, and time to chase them,” he tells her, and she smiles.
“It’s still not fair, though.”
She shrugs. “It is what it is.”
It still sucks, but they know that. “Sorry about dumping some of my problems on
you,” he says. “I know you’re busy.”
Rhyme squints at him in disbelief, and Neku shuffles. “Neku,” she says frankly,
“when I offered to hang out, I knew it was going to be weird. You just broke up
with my brother.”
“Hey, he broke up with me,” he corrects, but she waves it off.
“I’m just glad you’re not trying to talk smack about him! Do you know how much
of that I hear from my friends?”
Oh, fuck. High school. Neku groans. “I am so sorry,” he tells her honestly. He
didn’t need to deal with that, but she’s got more friends than he did. Thank
you, Going Home Club, you worked wonders on Neku’s social life.
“At least you two were sensible about it. All I hear after class is oh, Kyouko
was making out with Haru in the stairwell, and Kyouko’s boyfriend found out and
now keeps telling her how he’d like to watch, and she finally dumped him but
now he’s mooning after her friend Hana, when everyone knows Hana has a crush on
– when will this stop, Neku?” she says plaintively, and he laughs.
“I’m not sure it does,” he admits. “You just get better at avoiding it. Then
all the weird shit keeps happening, but you can sit back and watch.”
She crosses her arms. “Easy for you to say; you have that … dog … friend.”
“Joshua?” he says blankly. “What did Beat tell you.”
“He asked me how to tell if you’re a furry,” she says, “and then I told him to
stop because there are things I don’t need to know about my brother.”
“Oh. Good.” That is less bad, at least, even if Neku isn’t a furry. “Joshua’s
the composer, for the record,” he adds.
“Oh,” she lets out, then: “Ohhhh.” He waits. “Does Beat know?”
He scratches his head awkwardly. “I told him a few times,” he says, “but I
don’t know if it stuck, because apparently Shibuya doesn’t like letting people
remember he’s not just a reaper. He’s not a bad guy, though.”
She nods faintly. “He saved me,” she mutters, and he rubs his shoulder.
“He did what he needed to do to make it right,” Neku corrects. “He’s not –
altruistic, or anything like that, and he honestly can’t be in his position,
but he wants things done properly and he wants them done well, and leaving you
dead would have been half-assing it. You and Beat were paired for a reason, and
he hates breaking up partnerships, especially when he tried to orchestrate them
beforehand. It wasn’t something he did for anyone.” It’s important that she
understands that.
Joshua isn’t kind, and he certainly isn’t nice, but he’s got ethics and he
sticks to them. Shibuya comes first. Always.
(And Hanekoma’ll take him down if it starts looking otherwise. Neku needs to
not think about that.)
“You know, that makes me feel better?” she says, pushing her hair back. “If it
wasn’t personal at all … I’m glad.”
“It wasn’t,” he assures her. “Do you know if Shiki’s doing okay? We had a
fight.”
Rhyme hums. “I haven’t seen her for a bit, but I know Eri’s doing well and I
think she’d say something, if there was a problem again.” He nods slowly, and
she adds: “I need to get my homework done sometime, so ….”
“And I need to do some shopping,” he says. “See you around?”
“Yeah.” She smiles at him, and Joshua was right: that went well, comparably.
Not great, but not bad, either; their friendship isn’t conditional on his with
Beat.
It’s good to remember, sometimes, that just because he’d made friends as a
group doesn’t mean he has to see them as a group. And high school’s rough, too:
she’s going to need people she can count on.
He sighs and pulls out his phone. He really should’ve scheduled this earlier,
but too late now, and he digs through his contacts for Kouki Kariya and Uzuki
Yashiro. Hey, I need to do an IKEA run and could use an extra pair of hands.
Ill buy you lunch and the composerll count it as overtime. You up for it?
It doesn’t take long for them to reply: a FUCK OFF from Pinky, a fuck yeah
lunch from Lollipop, and an actually yeah from Pinky. Okay, Pinky, okay; Neku
isn’t offended, but he doesn’t restrain himself from laughing at the screen,
either, before texting them a meet-up spot near the station and heading off.
Okay, single best reaper perk? Free phone internet, or at least Neku isn’t
charged for it, and holy shit but he’s got an up-to-date map app maintained by
psychics. He tries searching for IKEA, and – come on, Tokyo composers can’t
seriously spend this much time writing screeds about how much they hate the
evil Swedish conspiracy to undercut local businesses. Oh, good, they don’t:
they make their conductors do it.
Memo to Joshua, he types out, Im quitting if you expect me to spam this thing
for you.
It's only spam if it's irrelevant, Neku, but noted.
Neku makes a rude gesture at the screen, then looks at what’s around the
closest ones. Wait, fuck. He rings up Joshua, a bit nervous, and he feels
Joshua at the edge of his mind as he picks up. “Yeah, hey. What definition of
Tokyo are we using here?”
Joshua hums, and Neku knows he’s twining his hair in his fingers. “For what?”
he says easily.
“How far can Tokyo reapers travel.”
“I don’t know,” he says, lightly enough that Neku kind of wants to scream.
“Sanae coordinates with the producers for all of the special wards, so
certainly that far; let me put him on.”
Neku’s tempted to object – how does Joshua not know this?! – but before he can,
he’s aware of Hanekoma joining Joshua, and Neku’s lip curls. “Hey, Phones,”
Hanekoma says. “What’s up?”
“Hi, Mr H,” he says reluctantly. “So if Tokyo reapers can only travel around
Tokyo, what definition of Tokyo are we using, exactly?” Because that’s kind of
a big deal.
“You can visit and at least scan in any of the urban parts of the metropolis
and Kanagawa, Saitama, and Chiba prefectures,” he says immediately. “Maybe some
of the towns and villages, too, but don’t quote me on that. Or at all, but you
know what I mean.”
“I wouldn’t,” he assures him, though not for the reasons he means. Okay, so
he’s not actually stuck in Tokyo. Good.
“Do not try fighting outside of the Tokyo special wards,” he continues, and
Neku makes a face. “You will lose, and nobody likes an interloper. In fact,
don’t touch anything at all, if you head out; you can probably imprint but the
paperwork is hell.”
Neku wasn’t exactly planning on fighting anyone, but the idea of not being one
of the big things in town grates on him anyway. “Why would I lose?”
Joshua laughs. “Neku, dear,” he says, as Hanekoma grumbles about him stealing
the phone again, “you’re a Shibuya reaper. My neighbors don’t all believe in
the elegance of pins; do you really think your fighting style would translate
with people I don’t even email?”
They don’t all use pins? Neku hadn’t noticed. “Fine, I wasn’t going to anyway,”
he sulks, and Hanekoma takes the phone back.
“So yeah,” he says, “you should be able to make a day trip anywhere within
these four prefectures, but watch your back if you go someplace rural; you can
exhaust yourself before you know it. The special wards will support you for
sure. Past that … a lot of people commute to the city, but the UG ain’t always
happy about it.”
“I’m just making a shopping trip,” he assures him, and Joshua sends him an
imprint of Hanekoma’s thumbs-up before they drop the call. It’d be nice if they
said bye more often.
So, he can take his pick. Tachikawa’s closer, but he’s thinking Funabashi just
so he can send Joshua some pics of the harbor. If the guy hasn’t left Shibuya
in fuck knows how long, he hasn’t seen water, either, and that’s just weird.
Neku’s a homebody through and through, but maybe the reaper travel restrictions
matter after all. If he wants a beach vacation … well, he could probably make
it, but who knows how long he could stay before he needed to head back to
recharge.
And finding his own place somewhere the rent isn’t an arm and a leg’s out of
the question. Special wards or bust, and sure he likes Shibuya, but his folks
aren’t exactly likely to splurge on housing for him while he’s in school if
he’s living a few blocks away. The dorms, yeah, maybe, even if it’s just as
quick to live at home, but rent … well, fuck.
Joshua has money, sure, but not enough for him to ask to go on the payroll
without some serious thinking. He’d move into Josh’s pad before that, and it
might be fancy as fuck with plenty of space, but it’s also … unlived in.
(Because the tenant is dead, and so are the visitors. Boom ba da boom.)
Neku’s tempted to look over Joshua’s finances and see if he can get him to set
aside some money for Neku, or if that would be too much like gold digging, or
what. It’s not like Joshua spends it himself; he just spends it on … things
like paying some reapers to go shopping with him. That’s kind of messed up,
isn’t it? Shouldn’t Neku have friends that aren’t paid?
He should, but he doesn’t. Not right now, anyway, and it’s with that happy
thought he raises his arm and waves the harriers over. (If they’re still
harriers, anyway; Neku vaguely recalls hearing they got promoted.)
“Hey, hey!” Lollipop – Kariya – says, even as Pinky looks like she’d rather be
anywhere else. “You look weird with wings, Phones, I got to say.”
But he’s already seen Neku with – Pinky stares at him, then groans. “It’s not
enough for you to become conductor while you’re alive, is it, but you have to
jump that high when you die?!”
“Well, conductor,” he has to say. “Be weirder if I died and came back as a wall
reaper.”
“Be weirder still since nobody starts out a wall reaper,” Kariya corrects, and
Neku inclines his head. “Uzuki, he won’t take your job; find your chill. He’ll
just get you more street time, I promise.”
Who is he to say that, huh? “That’s not your decision to make!” Pinky hisses,
and he double-takes at agreeing with her. “How do any of us know he won’t poke
his head in and ruin everything?!”
“I don’t want to ruin everything,” Neku says flatly. “I just want to buy some
furniture from IKEA and spend the evening swearing at it, I promise. And you
can help me, or you can go, but if you come along, you get dibs on laughing at
me.”
“I would do that anyway,” she promises, and Neku and Kariya snort. “Okay, fine,
but only because I need the money, you hear?”
“Loud and clear,” Neku says with a straight face, and then he explains the
plan. Train, transfer, behold bay, behold cheap furniture, lunch, go home. Wow.
Fun times.
He feels a little bit bad when they get their own tickets, since he’s
supposedly paying them, but only a little bit. He’ll get them lunch, after all.
“I haven’t been to Chiba in years,” Kariya mentions once they’re on the train,
Neku’s bizarre reaper aura making sure they at least manage to stand together,
busy train or no.
Pinky groans. “Seriously, old man? It’s right there, and sure it’s not that
interesting, but you have to get bored enough to leave Tokyo sometimes, right?”
Ugh, district border. At least he’s not the only one thrown off: Kariya
unceremoniously grabs the neck of both of their shirts and holds them up, even
as he goes a little pale himself. And the Funabashi IKEA ain’t close, either.
Great.
Once they’ve all got their breaths back, Kariya shrugs. “I make sure I can
still travel, but what’s the point? I like Tokyo: always plenty to see right by
home.” And he sighs: “That’s what you spring chickens never seem to get. It
ain’t a punishment, needing to hang around your home. It just means you need to
remember why you love it, eh?”
“The composer hasn’t left Shibuya in fifty years,” Neku mentions, and Pinky –
Uzuki – stares at him. “And maybe that’s fine by him, but that’s weird, you
know?”
“Well, composer,” Kariya points out, and yeah, maybe.
“He’s that old?” she says. “Fuck, no wonder you keep telling me to bide my
time,” she tells Kariya, and Neku whips around to her.
“If you try anything –” he starts, but they both look at him like he’s a
dumbass. “Right, sorry.”
Joshua’s used to assassination attempts, he reminds himself. He thinks they’re
funny, and he still keeps Pi Face around, after all. “He’s a nice guy,” Neku
says suddenly. “I know everyone wants his job, but – he’s a nice guy, and it
creeps me out people want to kill him without having met him. He’s annoying,
but he’s not that annoying, you know?”
“Well, composer,” Kariya says again. “They ain’t like us, and you’ll need to
remember that, Phones. And that a few assassination attempts is just a way of
saying ‘hello,’ sometimes.”
“I still don’t like it.”
“Who cares what you like?” Uzuki bursts out. “God, all that time with just the
composer to worry about, and then we get some brat who wants to be a meddler,
and maybe I didn’t like the old guy, but he was chill, you know? You knew where
you stood, with him! And you just –”
“Uzuki, your wings,” Kariya says, and she hastily down-tunes. Yeah, too many
district crossings to go UG, and Neku forces himself to think as they get off
to switch trains, none of them willing to chat on the platform. Probably better
not to have this conversation at all, really, or not anywhere people can hear,
but Neku barely knows any of the reapers and he needs to change that.
“I don’t want to meddle,” he says slowly, once they’ve relocated, and he feels
weird here, less than he is. “I mean, I do, because the system is broken, but I
don’t know what I’m doing, really, and I’m not going to pull anything when I
don’t even know how it currently works. The composer’s been trying to teach me,
but he’s – I don’t think he really remembers being alive at all, you know? So
it’s weird.”
Kariya chuckles, and even if Neku feels self-conscious, at least he said that
to one of Josh’s friends. “He’s a good kid,” he says. “I’m glad he’s got you.”
“I’m glad I’ve got him, too,” Neku says honestly, and Pinky rolls her eyes.
“You people acting like composers have feelings,” she grumbles. “If they’re
real people, why doesn’t anyone ever see them, huh?”
Probably because it’s dangerous, Neku thinks, and Pinky’s one of the people who
keeps it so. He doesn’t say that, though, and Kariya just ruffles their hair.
Neku and Pinky both splutter in fury, but the jerk doesn’t care and it’s
fucking hilarious seeing Pinky with her hackles up.
Uzuki. Whatever.
“They’re not like we are,” Kariya tells her. “They’re still people, but they’re
all recluses and that ain’t never gonna change, so keep that in mind when you
plan for a promotion, you hear?”
She snorts. “Like I’d be that kind of loser,” she says. “If I get that much
power, I’m going to use it, not hang around in a basement all day like some
kind of weirdo.” She glances at Neku, then adds: “I could go for my own cute
toy, though.”
“I’m not his toy!” Neku splutters, and she laughs.
“Ooh, sensitive!” she says, and Neku accidentally bumps into her with his
shoulder. She doesn’t lose her balance, though, or at least not until they
cross districts a moment later and Neku feels sick.
It’s Chiba. It’s just Chiba. He has been in Chiba before. Come on, he can do
this, but not being in Tokyo feels foul and he hears the UG scolding him for
the insult, barraging his wings with Noise or could-be-Noise until Kariya pulls
him back down, and Neku notices with dismay that he got hit a lot worse than
Uzuki.
“Nearly there,” Kariya says. “Sorry, newbie: travel’s always a pain in the ass.
Be grateful you’re young.”
He nods awkwardly, but Uzuki furrows her brow. “I’m older than him, though,”
she says, and Kariya laughs.
“Yeah, but you actually can stay in the RG without a problem, eh? Not sure
Phones is bright enough for that.”
“I’m plenty bright,” Neku manages, and fuck does he want off the train. “I just
– like it up here.”
Kariya shakes his head, and they wait the rest of the ride in silence, even as
Neku keeps flickering in and out of the RG proper. As uncomfortable as it is,
it’s interesting hearing other neighborhoods once he starts adjusting, and at
least he’s not traveling alone.
Might be easier if he were, but they can carry him back if they need to, and
Neku’s grateful Joshua insisted on the company. They know what he’s going
through, too, or at least some of it; he winces at the thought of having asked
Beat or Rhyme or Shiki to come along. Just what he’d need: them judging Joshua
for Neku not taking switching prefectures too well.
He’s – he’s handling it, though, and he can tell that he’s still in the same
general urban area he’d been in. It’s different, but not too different. He can
do this.
Doesn’t stop him from stumbling off the train once they hit their stop, though,
and the reapers don’t bother to help him keep his balance. “I want to take some
pics of the bay,” he says. “I don’t really care enough to see the port,
though.”
“Well, I want to go shopping,” Uzuki says, one hand on her hips, “and
LaLaport’s right there. I don’t care what you losers do, but –”
“– Pokemon Center,” Kariya says suddenly, and Neku snaps around to look at him.
“I need some things for my collection. Let’s do this.”
But Neku needs to get furniture! He doesn’t say that, though, because fuck he
needs to get Rhyme something, and maybe Beat something, and Joshua, and – “Last
one there’s a rusty pin,” he blurts out, and they’re off.
The reapers aren’t his favorite people, but fuck if they went up a few places
in his estimation, because shopping with them? Shopping with them is fucking
awesome, and not just because they’ve got similar tastes in clothes as him. (He
loves Shiki dearly, but damn does she not really see the appeal of wearing all
the awesome shit at once. No, it’s all awesome, so it matches. That’s how
fashion works.)
No, they’ve got similar taste and they can shit-talk like the best of them.
Sure, maybe he’s their boss now, but that just means they ask him what he’s
willing to spend the composer’s money for. Not that he actually does, because
Joshua’d probably be pissed about how oh no, his money has left Shibuya for
Funabashi, but it’s chill and he can nearly forget about his fights with his
living friends.
Nearly.
He picks up a Pachirisu for Rhyme and a Furfrou for Joshua, then they mock some
of the clothes in the shops (they ain’t gonna buy shit that’s not from Shibuya,
no way) and Neku stops to send Joshua a bunch of cellphone pictures of them in
front of the Starbucks.
I see they don't have real coffee, unlike Shibuya. §ԾᴗԾ§ Joshua replies, and
Neku laughs. Yeah, sure, that’s one way to take it, but then Neku sends him a
few pictures of Funassyiland and that doesn’t go over as well. Maybe Neku
should buy a toy of that weird pear thing for Joshua, only he might actually
dump him.
Neku has the weirdest feeling the local composer’s laughing their ass off.
Well, Neku doesn’t mind, and if Joshua’s ego’s still smarting when he gets
home, Neku’ll kiss it better. Yeah!
Once they’re sort of bored, Neku ditches them in the IKEA restaurant to go
hunting for furniture, even as the district feels both gratified and offended
that that’s what some Shibuya reapers came here for. Fucking Swedes. And as for
shopping itself … well, it’s a pain in the ass trying to write down all the
things he wants when they can’t even be bothered to spell things like normal
people. How the hell is he supposed to pronounce any of this? Ugh, seriously.
They could at least write out the kana for it.
Does he want a single or a double bed, anyway? Eh, Josh is pissed about IKEA,
and he could always just go over to Josh’s room, so … fuck it, single, even if
he does have a boyfriend. And even if he ends up having people over later: they
can work something out.
(Is he even likely to have people over when he gets his own place? He can’t
really imagine so …. That’s what love hotels are for, after all, though maybe
Josh could teach him how to soundproof things. He’s got to have some tricks
that work outside his pad.)
He calls over the reapers around when it’s time to find all the damn parts he
needs in the warehouse, and thank fuck for reaper super strength because
carrying a bunch of massive pieces? Not actually his idea of a good time! At
least it’s all in the most compact form it can be in, or else this would end up
completely hell.
His room’s going to be awesome. It still creeps him out he’s going to set up in
Shades’s old place, but fuck it: the guy’s been gone for years and plenty of
people like being able to stay with their boyfriends. It’ll be fine. IKEA shit
even more or less matches parts of the current aesthetic, or at least doesn’t
clash too badly.
“You’d better be right about the composer considering this on the clock,” Uzuki
grumbles, “because fuck this shit.”
“He said he would,” Neku replies vaguely. “I’m telling him about your shopping
spree, though.”
“What!? Oh, damn it!” she squawks, and Neku cackles. She didn’t really think
she’d get away with that, did she?
… she probably actually hoped she would, hahaha. She glares at him like he’d
poured a bucket of water on her, and Neku laughs harder. Kariya just cracks a
small smile, and that’s probably why she only kicks Neku once they’re out of
the store, and damn, high heels hurt.
“One sec,” Neku says. “Got to check the bay.” The sun’s cracking under the
horizon, too, so he leaves the bags with them – er, with Uzuki, since Kariya’s
decided to come along, and jogs the two blocks to get a decent view.
Snap, and snap, and – Kariya’s got a real camera, and he takes some pics too.
“It’s Uzuki’s,” he explains. “She ain’t the sentimental type, but I told her I
don’t go out this far usually, either.”
“Thanks,” Neku says honestly, a huge grin on his face, and Kariya levitates the
camera back to get some good selfies. “You mind sending me those when you get
them?”
He chuckles. “Sure, kid.”
Neku picks a few of the better ones, then sends them to Joshua. Missed you.
There’s so much in Shibuya, but it’s small, really, and Neku doesn’t want …
doesn’t want his world to shrink so soon after he’s expanded it. That’s all.
He wipes off his face, and they head back.
“So you two run off without me and have a moment,” Uzuki growls, “leaving me
with the bags. Assholes!”
Neku shrugs. “If it bugs you so much, I’ll wait here with the stuff and you can
check it, too.”
“There was a sunset,” Kariya says blandly, “and that junk was huge. Wasn’t it,
Neku.” Neku stares at him, face blank, and Kariya groans. “Junk, Neku. Junk.
It’s a type of ship.”
Puns work so much better when your audience knows what you’re talking about,
but at least Uzuki didn’t get it either. “I don’t really care,” she admits,
“and you need to leave the dick jokes to me.”
“Sounds good,” Neku says, over Kariya’s objections, and they make their ways
back to the station. Funabashi seems disappointed to see them go, but at least
traveling back is less bad than leaving Shibuya, and they’re all too tired for
much conversation.
Life is good, even when you’re dead. It’s important to remember.
Transferring trains with a bunch of unassembled furniture’s a pain in the ass,
and some people are clearly mad about these damn kids with bulky things on a
Sunday evening, but Neku and Uzuki have shit-eating grins fit to take on the
world, and Kariya naps standing up, and it’s fine. Tedious, but fine.
“Thanks for all your help,” he says, once they get off back in Shibuya, and the
reapers laugh.
“Thanks for the paycheck,” Kariya replies. “You need help carrying this
somewhere?”
He might, but … hmm. Josh? he thinks, but he doesn’t get a response. Busy, not
absent, though, that’s for sure. “If we get it down to the bus station, I can
manage it from there,” he decides. Fuck yeah, levitation!
“Well, I’m out,” Uzuki states. “I got actual shit to do, so bye.”
Neku smiles at her and puts up his hand. After a moment, she reluctantly high-
fives him, and then bolts. Okay, Pinky. Okay.
Kariya glares down at the stuff, and Neku sighs and hefts it over his shoulder.
What a pain, but at least now it’s just bulky instead of heavy.
“You catching the bus?” he asks, and Neku shakes his head.
“Josh has space at his place, so I’m staying with him for a bit,” he explains.
“What do all you guys do?”
“We’re all paid enough for rent, then most of us got part-time jobs,” he says.
“Be careful with the boss, kid: he might not mean any harm, but he doesn’t
think the way you do, you know?”
Nobody does, he starts to say, but Kariya continues: “Kid, he’s been composer
for decades. Humans are something he observes from a distance, and you might
not be human now, but you’re still more human than not. Just … be careful with
his feelings, be careful with yours, and don’t push too hard if it ain’t
important, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Neku says, embarrassed. He’s glad Joshua has people looking out for
him, but he hates that he got this talk. “Do you think I need to worry about –
Uzuki, and everyone?”
He shrugs, casual as anything. “She won’t be making a serious go of it for a
while,” he says easily. “She talks a big game, but she knows there’s a lot she
doesn’t know about the job yet, and even if she wants it. The boss can take
care of himself.” He chuckles, then floats up a bit purely so he can ruffle
Neku’s hair. Neku flails indignantly, trying not to drop anything. “People
might go after you, but you got a while before you’ll be seen as any real
target, don’t worry. Just don’t pull anything, yeah?”
He nods slowly, unsure how he feels about being smack in the middle of reaper
politics. He’ll probably panic about it later, but for now it doesn’t seem
real. “Thanks,” he says, and Kariya grins at him.
They head down into the sewers together, Kariya content to help him manage his
stuff past the minimum, and Neku’d be worried about the air damaging anything,
only Kariya took one sniff and summoned a bubble around it all.
Neat trick, especially with the psych out of battle and all, but he just takes
it for granted and Neku’s kind of begrudgingly fond. The reapers aren’t bad
people. Ruthless, sometimes, but in a refreshingly honest way, and Neku thinks
he might be able to deal.
“Tell the boss I said hi,” he says, once they get to the lounge, and Neku nods
firmly, taking the rest in his own levitation.
“I will,” he says, and he’s gone.
Chapter End Notes
     Merry Christmas!
     Any anachronisms to do with stores at LaLaport are totally
     intentional, by which I mean I know it's anachronistic but I don't
     care.
***** Chapter 27 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The lounge is empty when the door automatically lets Neku in, and he carefully
shrugs off his shoes without letting the psych loose. His stamina's much better
than it used to be, but levitation's still a pain, and he calls out, “Josh? I
need you to get the door.”
A thunk like something dropping – Neku hurriedly checks that none of it’s his –
and Joshua appears, artfully disheveled and covered in paint. “Allow me,” he
says, and Neku gratefully lets him take all the furniture, leaving Neku with
his small bag.
“Good to see you,” Neku says, but Joshua just nods vaguely and brings the stuff
to the spare room.
“Could you shower?” he says, voice clipped. “You reek of Chiba; it’s
disgusting.”
Neku glowers, sniffing his pits. He smells okay … right, Joshua’s a territorial
bastard. “I guess, but you could at least have said hi ….”
“I apologize for my rudeness,” Joshua replies, straightening, but he doesn’t
actually seem that contrite and Neku heads off to the shower. Figuring out what
crawled up his ass and died’s too much effort.
At least that goddamn hell worm’s happy to see him. And you know what? Neku had
actually been having a pretty good day, before this.
He’s tempted not to get dressed again after he rinses off, but eh, Josh really
does keep the place way too cold. Instead, he checks the little closet next to
the nap room and pulls out a cute set of pyjamas. Pink and blue, so clearly
Joshua’s, but they just about fit even with their size differences. Thank you,
drawstrings and Joshua’s frequent fondness for baggy clothing.
He heads out the other way once he’s dressed, and yyyyep: the other door leads
to an empty room. Well, mostly empty: there’s some familiar boxes scattered
about the floor and a tarp set up so Joshua can paint a wall.
“I’m sorry I didn’t ask you first,” Joshua says quietly. “I wanted it to be a
surprise.”
“You did good,” Neku assures him, stepping back to look at it. It’s a mural,
and even if it’s not remotely the same style as CAT’s, he can see the
influence. Shibuya’s chaos in the bright colors Neku so loves, with the
landmarks all in Joshua’s favored painterly style, and Joshua gestures to the
chalk, brushes, and rollers for Neku to add his own touches.
“You can see where I haven’t added detail yet,” he says as Neku nods, “and the
black paint there and on Q Floor is chalkboard paint. … do you like it?”
In answer, Neku picks up one of the smaller brushes to add in the people. “I
love it, Josh,” he says honestly. “Thanks so much.”
Joshua beams, and Neku feels him encroaching into Neku’s mind to show him what
he’d planned for the bits where he’s only blocked out color. It’s fascinating
watching him work, his telekinesis deftly letting him paint in multiple areas
at a time with no regard as to where his face is pointing, but Neku slides in
to help and he doesn’t in the slightest feel like he’s in the way. It’s a
collaboration as natural as working by himself, and Neku grins when he sees
Joshua dipping into the glow-in-the-dark paint for the zebra lines in Scramble
Crossing.
“You got anything in mind for the rest of the room?” he asks, and Joshua shakes
his head.
“It’s your room,” he says simply, and Neku picks him up to kiss him, mindful of
their paint splatters. It is Neku’s room, and he’ll be welcome here as long as
he wishes.
Joshua’s so light, just heavy enough for Neku to feel like he’s lifting him,
and Neku spins him around delightedly as Joshua chuckles, smug and proud. He
tries to set him down as he reclaims his balance, but Joshua pulls him close as
Neku’s hands clasp under his butt for him to sit there as he mashes their faces
together. Joshua doesn’t taste of anything, but his lips are cool on Neku’s and
the air quivers in anticipation, Shibuya’s composer pulling the city together
for a gift in Neku’s honor.
“Can we –” Neku starts, and Joshua whistles the paint cans closed as he firmly
grips Neku’s shoulders and hums along with the rush of blood in Neku’s ears,
quiet enough he might not even know he’s doing it. Joshua starts in on Neku’s
neck, and even without that as one of Neku’s favorites, his knees go a bit weak
as he hurries back into the lounge, careless of any paint dripping. Hopefully
Joshua can fix anything that gets onto the couch, because Neku wants nothing
more right now than Joshua on him and he’s not the only one with that thought.
“You really want to,” Joshua murmurs, bewildered, then says: “You know I’ll be
disappointed if you never use that room again, my conductor.”
Neku gulps, and not just because Joshua’s teeth keep trailing along his throat.
“I’m here to stay,” he says, more certainly than he feels. “Josh, I – I really
appreciate all you’ve been trying to do for me.”
A rock of his hips, and Neku nearly yelps at the pressure, even as Joshua
deliberately brackets his thighs around him, Neku’s wings picking up his
palpable desire. “It’s no more than you deserve, my Neku,” he purrs, and Neku
shivers. “Or Shibuya’s Neku, more precisely, but as we’re to be in service to
the same city ….”
“Not for a while,” he mumbles, and Joshua smiles and kisses his forehead. An
hour train trip took so much more out of him than he thought it might, and all
because he technically left Tokyo, but Joshua’s got him now. He’s fine.
“Not for a while,” Joshua agrees, and Neku feels his hands wander up to his
shoulder blades and no farther, careful to remind Neku only that he could go
for his wings without making it seem likely he’ll do so. His fingers are firm
on Neku’s back, and Neku uses them as leverage as he pushes up against Joshua.
“Could you –” Neku starts, unwilling to let go of Joshua’s ass even for this,
but Joshua glances down at the outline of Neku’s cock in Joshua’s own pyjamas
and laughs.
“No,” he says into Neku’s mouth, kissing him again. He’s tempted to go for his
own pants if Joshua won’t, but Joshua grinds down on him with a sigh and the
soft fabric’s nice in its own way. Joshua leans back to look at him properly,
his strange lack of weight on Neku’s groin as Neku shuffles, and he shakes his
head. “It’ll be nice when you’re back at college,” he says, letting up on
Neku’s shoulders only to caress his face. “You’re a terrible temptation,
truly.”
“I do what I can,” Neku replies, even as he wonders if it’d really be worth it
to leave again. Joshua is here in Shibuya, after all, and plenty of artists get
by without degrees. Joshua’s gaze hardens, though, and Neku winces at the
echoes of his frustration, even as Joshua’s hands slide back down to dig his
thumbs in next to the cervical vertibra and Neku pushes up without even
intending it.
“Come on, Neku,” Joshua murmurs, pressing down with his thumbs again, and Neku
realises with a start that Joshua’s playing his body for him. “You can do it,”
he adds soothingly, and Neku doesn’t know if he wants to pull him closer or
push him away but he slams his eyes shut and lets Joshua move his body as he
wills.
He trusts him. Really, he does, but there’s something inherently alarming about
knowing you’re not the one in control of your own body, and Joshua sends him a
query: yes, no, maybe? He forces a nod, reassured to know Joshua’s only
directing his thrusting and grinding, and Joshua smiles at him, sad but
relieved, as he brings Neku to climax. He keeps watching his face, and Neku
feels somehow exposed, but Joshua nods at him in evident satisfaction and
slides off him to sit next to him on the couch.
He looks so young like this, his head against Neku’s side as Neku pets him
absently, but he isn’t, really. Maybe he was young when he died, but that was a
long time ago, and now – now, Neku doesn’t know what Joshua is. Other, in some
fundamental way Neku doesn’t know if he’ll ever understand, and rarely moreso
than when he’s left Neku sticky and himself almost untouched.
“I’m glad for every moment you spend with me,” Joshua says quietly, “but you
shouldn’t be here.”
Maybe not, but it’s Neku’s decision to make, and he shuffles awkwardly at the
stuff cooling in his boxers and soaking through Joshua’s nice PJs. “I like
you,” he replies, not for the first time, and: “You can touch my wings, if you
want.”
Joshua makes a pained sound, burrowing deeper into his side, and Neku pulls him
into his lap. “Please don’t do this, Neku,” he groans, and Neku furrows his
brow. “You don’t know what you’re asking of me.”
Then tell me, he thinks, but he might already have a pretty good idea. “I trust
you,” he says firmly.
“You shouldn’t.” Neku curls his lip – haven’t they already had this discussion?
– but Joshua continues: “Please, Neku. Not until you graduate, at the very
least.”
“But why?” Neku says, plaintive. Joshua has him pet him all the time; it isn’t
fair that he won’t let Neku reciprocate.
Joshua goes still, and for a moment, Neku thinks he might bolt. “Please, Neku,”
he says again, and Neku nods hesitantly. “I don’t – know how to explain this to
you.”
Neku gives a half-hearted shrug. “Throw some words together and hope it works,”
he replies. “That’s what I usually do.”
A faint shake of the head, and Joshua pulls away. “I wish Sanae was here,” he
mutters, and Neku jumps up, jealousy flashing white hot as Joshua closes his
eyes, resigned. Expecting Neku to react with all the knee-jerk anger he feels,
and it’s that which makes him clamp his mouth shut and take a deep breath to
calm himself.
It’s not fair for him to take shit out on Joshua, no matter how easy it is.
“Joshua, what,” he says instead, voice flat, and Joshua shrugs.
“Neku, as angry as you are over his attempted defense of me, you can’t have
forgotten how much simpler everything is when Mr H explains it,” he drawls. “I
can appreciate the man for his virtues while acknowledging his faults, can’t
I?”
But he’s an asshole. “Josh, he uses mind control. All the time.”
“Reflex once you’re at a certain power level,” Joshua says easily. “Very little
the man says is actually wrong, so why should he not be easy to believe?”
But he uses mind control. Instead he says: “Great, my boyfriend just banged me,
but the one he really wants here is his shitty ex. Thank you, Josh! I needed
that!”
Joshua sits up, his hand over his face. “That isn’t what I meant, and you know
it,” he snaps. “– And Sanae isn’t my ex.”
“Oh, great! Your shitty fuckbuddy, then! Well, that changes everything!”
He groans, tensing up on his side of the couch as his form wavers, and Neku
remembers again that this is the composer and he is way out of his league here.
Joshua doesn’t do anything, though, just takes a deep breath and pulls on
Shibuya to calm himself, then says: “Neku, please go take a shower. I’ll
discuss this with you later.”
Who is he to tell Neku what to do? He’s tempted to make it a fight, but he sees
the way Joshua’s curled up tiredly and averts his eyes in shame. “Yeah,” he
says instead. “Yeah, a shower would be … yeah.”
Joshua doesn’t move as Neku gets up to head to the bathroom, and though he
senses that Joshua’s calling his friend, he can’t really be angry about it.
Everything’s always a fight with them; no wonder he’d want to talk things over
with Hanekoma first.
And if Hanekoma’s the low drama option … no wonder Shiki and Beat are tired of
putting up with him. Neku’s a fucking mess. Joshua wasn’t even asking for much,
and still Neku got pissed at him, and for what? For being uncomfortable talking
to Neku about anything that matters? No shit he’s uncomfortable.
They’re so fucked up. And even if Neku was being an asshole, he thinks he
might’ve been right about Joshua trying to butter him up, but if he was, so
what? Joshua likes him, likes getting him off, likes working with him on that
mural and fuck Neku’s touched all over again. It’s Shibuya and it’s Joshua and
Neku can tell he did his best to see what he liked in CAT’s art, even if it’s
not Joshua’s own aesthetic.
He put a lot of effort into it, and maybe Neku would’ve picked a different
subject matter if he’d asked, but he loves Shibuya, too. It’s his home. He …
it’s a really great gift, and whatever the motive was, Neku’s happy with it.
Joshua really wants to do well by him, Neku can tell; Neku’s just also not
making that easy, and it isn’t because he doesn’t like Joshua or anything.
Neku’s just … he’s just messed up. That’s all it is.
He gets out of the shower and dries himself off, mindful of the fact he could
just up-tune and down-tune to do it faster, but right now, he kind of likes
having wet hair. Styling it means more if you have to work at it, and right now
he’s fine with letting it stay natural. He pulls some clothes on – Josh cleaned
it all, of course, and Neku smiles at the thought – then heads out to the
lounge.
The door’s not locked, but he feels like he’s intruding anyway, as he overhears
Joshua and Hanekoma talking. If they didn’t want him to listen, though, they
wouldn’t be in the lounge, and so he quietly sneaks over to the bar to get
himself something to drink and settle in.
“Sanae, I just don’t know what he needs from me,” Joshua says, and Neku perks
up. Don't interrupt, both of them send him, but they don’t seem bothered by the
fact he’s there. “I know what he wants – I’m a useful source of attention – but
what do I do?”
They’re talking about him, he realizes, and he stiffens. “Tell him how you
feel, J,” Hanekoma says simply. “Break-ups are nasty no matter how used to them
you are, and he’s only got a bit more experience than you. He’s upset about
Beat, but doesn’t feel like he’s allowed to be upset, so he wants your
attention but you’re also the one there when he’s mad.”
Joshua huffs, and Neku cranes over to see he’s hidden under Hanekoma’s wing. He
really is intruding, but neither of them mind. “You’re right, of course,”
Joshua mutters, “though try not to let it get to your head. I know he just
needs time and support, but he keeps pushing. He isn’t right for the UG! Not
yet, anyway, but it’s there and he thinks it’s easier and – one of me is more
than enough, honestly.”
“Glad you’ve realized that,” Hanekoma says dryly. “Running away’s always easier
than confronting your problems, and you keep helping him do it. Put your foot
down and tell him how you feel, boss.”
Neku hears their feathers rustling and wishes he had a better view. “I
suppose,” Joshua says. “What if he doesn’t like me later, though? I don’t want
him to ….”
“You can deal with him moving on, J,” Hanekoma replies flatly. “You can’t if
you trap him and he hates you.”
“I know, I know,” he grumbles, “but … I want him to be happy.”
“I am happy,” Neku says loudly, and Hanekoma turns to look at him. Still can’t
see Joshua, though. “Josh, I’m really grateful for all you’ve been doing the
past few weeks. You’re a great friend, really.”
Hanekoma flaps his wings twice and folds them away as Joshua stands up and
turns to face him. “No, I’m not,” he states. “If I were, I’d’ve insisted you
turn your wings in the moment I could spare the energy, but I was content to
let you do as I wanted for all the wrong reasons.”
“It’s not like that,” Neku starts to say, but Joshua raises his hand and he
falls quiet.
“It is like that, Neku,” he snaps. He takes a deep breath, collecting his
thoughts, and continues more calmly: “Maybe you’re happy with the way things
are now, but from my perspective, you saw an opportunity to avoid thinking
about any of your responsibilities and you took it. Why else would you keep
insinuating you want to drop out of university? You know I have no particular
investment in your degree and that you can lean on me for support no matter
what, so you want to test that by sabotaging yourself to spite your living
friends.”
“I do not!” Neku yells, and Joshua unfolds his wings, energy crackling around
him. It doesn’t hurt, though; belatedly he realises Hanekoma’s holding him back
from this display.
“Listen to me, Neku,” he says. “I no longer particularly care what you think
you’re doing; either way, I want no part in this. I refuse to feel like a
vehicle of your self-destruction. If you want to drop out in a semester or two,
fine; I don’t care. But the reapers’ wings aren’t supposed to be an avoidance
tactic, and I want you alive again, Neku. You can always die again later, in
less suspicious circumstances, but I don’t like this.”
Neku glares at him, his own wings outstretched, and he’s very aware of his
claws, but Joshua just looks at him and slumps. “Please, Neku,” he says. “I
want you as my conductor, but I want to feel good about it, and I don’t. Don’t
do this to me.”
Neku keeps staring at him, and Hanekoma clears his throat. “Phones, he’s been a
mess over this,” he says frankly, and Neku might not like him but some part of
him still respects him. “Take it easy on him; you can always change your mind
later.”
He wants to fight, but all the energy drains out of him with their stern
expressions. “Okay,” he mumbles reluctantly. “If it – if it really means so
much to you.”
“It does,” Joshua says flatly, and Neku nods. “I don’t want to risk you hating
me later for this, Neku, and no matter how you feel now … I can’t do this and
remain someone I could respect. I’m a coward, Neku.”
Neku slides off the chair and heads over to the couch to pull Joshua into a
hug, painfully aware of their audience. “I don’t think you’re a coward,” Neku
tells him. “Or if you are, then we both are. But taking me at my word even when
it hurts you, and then pressing the issue later … that isn’t cowardice,
Joshua.”
He shakes his head, and his hair tickles Neku’s neck. “Let’s set up your room
and then I’ll see what I can do about reviving you, hm?” he says. “We’ve
avoided it long enough. Sanae?”
“Yeah, boss?” Hanekoma says, and Neku starts.
“You know my requirements,” Joshua says briskly. “We have a pact and he’s
already bound to my UG; there must be a way to revive him without wasting any
of the energy in his wings. Find it for me, will you?”
“Sure thing,” he says, saluting, and he vanishes. Neku breathes a sigh of
relief.
“So, you and Hanekoma,” he fishes, trying to find the right way to fit them
into his brain.
Joshua laughs. “Not a threat to you, certainly,” he says, and Neku stiffens
even as he tries to relax. “He’s my friend, and he’s been my friend since I was
… oh, younger than Rhyme was when you met her. I looked up to him for a while,
but working with him as my producer cured me of most of my illusions, hmm?”
“And the, uh, physical components?” Neku says warily.
“You live with someone as your only friend for years and the knowledge you’re
liable to kill or be killed by anyone else you meet, your mind opens to a lot
of possibilities,” he replies, voice light. “I wasn’t going to spend eternity
as a virgin, and he was there. That’s all there was to it, really.”
“So, not your ex,” he concludes, and Joshua nods.
“You’re the first person I went on a date with, actually, much less dated.”
Neku thinks about that for a moment, then bursts out laughing. “You mean, you
were composer for decades, and –”
“And single, yes,” he says, looking away. “That’s how it usually is for
composers.”
“You asked me to kill you on your first date!” Neku realizes, backing up so he
can point at him accusingly, and Joshua rolls his eyes. “You fucking – you left
me thinking you had some idea what you were doing!”
“Of course I knew what I was doing,” he sulks, crossing his arms. “You think I
composed for Shibuya for decades without observing a few things?”
“Observing isn’t the same as doing!” he yells, but Joshua doesn’t care. It’s
petty, anyway, just something Neku wishes he knew before he – oh, god, bought
Joshua some ice cream he hated and kicked him out of his own house. “Our first
date kind of sucked, didn’t it,” he muses, and Joshua shrugs.
“Most people’s first dates are nothing to write home about,” he says. “Seeing
as you’re neither a dreadful bore nor a pickup artist, I can’t complain. Now,
may we please put together your new furniture? I need the IKEA stench out of my
house, and it’ll sound nearly fine once you have it assembled.”
Neku shrugs and leads the way. “It’s staying here whether you like it or not,
so I sure hope it gets less offensive to your senses,” he says, and Joshua
sniffs in dismay.
The mural in his new room might be unfinished, but Neku stops breathing for a
moment when he sees it again. It’s completely gorgeous, and Joshua’s kept the
paint smell out so he can sleep in it tonight. Joshua pays it no mind when he
walks in, or – that’s not right. Joshua pays the mural no mind, but his full
attention’s on Neku and he suspects Neku’s appreciation is as good as any
orgasm, as far as the composer’s concerned. He shakes himself out of it when he
notices Neku staring, though, and Neku’s a bit disappointed by his nonchalant
smile.
“If you look at the directions, I can do a lot of the assembling,” Joshua says
neutrally, lifting the boxes against the wall to clear space with an imperious
wave.
“Okay. Let’s start with the bed.” He points to the right box, and Joshua
dissembles it in midair, carefully sorting the pieces as he floats the
directions to Neku. They’re kind of a pain to figure out, what with the
reliance on pictograms rather than actual Japanese like a real person would
use, but Joshua conjures a replacement for the missing screw, and with Neku
directing and Joshua doing the lifting, it’s mostly painless.
Even when they try to put it together the wrong way round. “Can’t you tell me
if we’re doing it wrong?” Neku says, exasperated, but Joshua only shrugs.
“This is more fun,” he says, and Neku knows he’s trying to piss him off.
“Besides, my clairvoyance doesn’t work for this sort of thing.”
“IKEA’s too confusing for psychics?” Neku echoes, and Joshua laughs.
“I suppose I’d have no trouble understanding it if we were unfortunate enough
to have an IKEA in Shibuya,” he explains, “but since we’re lucky enough to
avoid the Swedish invasion, yes, it’s too confusing for psychics. The intent’s
too muddied for me to get a read on it; your guess is at least as good as
mine.”
What kind of useless city god doesn’t know how to assemble furniture? This one,
apparently, and Neku doesn’t bother to restrain himself from murmuring
imprecations under his breath as Joshua laughs at his pain. At least he doesn’t
have to worry about bleeding for his furniture, though, with Joshua doing all
the hard work, and it doesn’t take too long before he’s got … a bed!
A bed of his very own! He bought it with his money, and it has a mattress and
everything. Neku’s so proud, but Joshua takes one look at it and goes, “Mine’s
better.” Asshole.
“Now for the rest,” Neku says to Joshua’s dismay, but he does help Neku put
together his new chair and desk, and even a cabinet! At this rate, he’ll be a
responsible adult with his own workspace and everything. Once he can afford it,
anyway. For now, the furniture’s enough of an accomplishment, and he looks upon
their work and grins.
Wait, shit. “One sec,” Neku says, bolting out and back to the lounge to grab
the other bag. Joshua follows him as far as the doorway, then waits. “Here,” he
says, hiding the Furfrou under his hands. “This is for you.”
Joshua carefully takes it from him, then shakes it as Neku glares. “Aw,” he
says insincerely as he incinerates the tags, “you got me a dog!”
“I know you like kids shows,” Neku blurts out, “so I thought you might – do you
like it?”
He strides off without answering to the jukebox and conjures a shelf above it,
then sets the stuffed animal down. “I’ll treasure it always,” he says
seriously, “even if you did buy it in Funabashi.”
“Look, it’s that or Ikebukuro,” Neku says pragmatically, “and I didn’t happen
to be in Ikebukuro. Would you rather I swap it for an identical one you find
somehow better?”
“No, no, this is fine,” Joshua says. “Thank you, really. And for the sunset
photos, too, even if there was that empty space in the way.”
Neku scrunches his face up and massages his temples. “You mean the bay?” he
says weakly. “You mean the bay, don’t you. You are actually pretending not to
know what a bay is.”
“Neku, I don’t know where you’re from, but that much water in one place is not
natural. Next thing you know, you’ll be telling me you’d take pictures of the
ocean, wouldn’t you.”
“At sunrise? Damn right I would!”
“See, Neku, that’s creepy,” Joshua states, and from the sound of it, Neku’d
think he was from some landlocked city in the middle of China, rather than, oh,
who knows, Tokyo? “You aren’t supposed to have that much space without any
buildings behind it. It’s improper.”
“I’m going to kill you,” Neku moans. “I’m going to kill you, and ask Kariya to
help me drag your goddamn corpse to Minato so you can see the bay. We can walk
it in an hour and a half. Hell, we can get there in 15 minutes on the train; I
promise you, the bay is real and there is nothing wrong with the concept of not
being surrounded by buildings.”
“There absolutely is,” Joshua says, authoritative, and Neku doesn’t even know
why he bothers arguing with this guy. “Look, Neku, Shibuya is landlocked
because all places should be landlocked. It’s not right, otherwise.”
Neku shakes his head. “Dear Tokyo,” he says mockingly. “Please move all of your
buildings far enough away from the shore so that I, Joshua Kiryu, need never
rest my eyes on a body of water. In fact, please build a series of walls to
keep the water away from me, specifically. Everyone else can drown so long as I
stay dry. Love, Joshua Kiryu.”
For that, Neku’s teleported into the fish tank, and he can’t say he didn’t
deserve it.
===============================================================================
Joshua pulls him out once watching him flail around with the sharks finally
grows boring, and Neku’s grateful that nothing tries to bite him. Sharks don't
like biting humans, dear, Joshua says, but look, Neku has fought Noise and he
feels like he has an idea of sharks now. If evil soul-eating shark monsters eat
people, Neku is not going to trust the mundane kind, either, and the same thing
goes for goddamn kangaroos.
“Kangaroos are vicious,” Joshua informs him, and Neku flips him off. God, how
the hell does this guy manage to love fish so much and hate the ocean? Neku
assumes he loves fish, anyway; it’s hard to imagine him setting up this many
fish tanks if he didn’t. What next, an ice cream bar? “You wouldn’t joke about
that if you knew how many requests I get.”
“Requests granted,” Neku says immediately, and Joshua sticks his tongue out.
“As your conductor, I just decided that all the reapers who want an ice cream
bar are absolutely right, and we need froyo and boba tea machines to go with
it. Do it, Josh.”
“Boba tea, yes, but you’re going to have to try harder than that to get frozen
dairy products in here,” Joshua says. “Milk is an insult.”
“Your face is an insult,” Neku mutters, but honestly, he’ll take the half-
victory. “Seriously though, what’s with the fish?”
Joshua stares at him quizzically. “I like fish,” he says, defensive. “I don’t
like open spaces. They aren’t right.”
“And the fact you could get shot at doesn’t help,” Neku mutters, and Joshua
makes a face. Okay, yeah, that’s rude to remind him of, even if it’s normal for
him. “Are all city composers this pissy, or is it just you?”
He shrugs with his whole body, arms up in the air like he’s got no idea what
Neku’s talking about. “I’m sure I don’t know,” he says. “You could poll the
other Tokyo conductors, but it won’t be statistically significant.”
He might. He really, honestly might. “Can you take care of my wings now?” he
says instead. “They kind of itch, and we should get this over with.”
Joshua inclines his head and sweeps off to his throne room, resplendent in his
artist’s smock, and Neku tags along, bemused. If they’re going to do this, he
supposes they should do it properly, but truth be told, Neku still isn’t
convinced they should do it at all. Joshua could revive somebody who needs it
with that; it feels like a waste.
But maybe he’s right, and he needs this so he can feel like he isn’t using Neku
for all he’s got. Neku’s wings tense at the thought, since he sure doesn’t feel
used, but what is Joshua’s peace of mind worth?
Enough for this, Neku suspects. Enough for Neku to let him do what everyone
else thinks he should have done already.
The CAT mural’s nearly forgettable in Joshua’s wake, and Neku only glances at
it before forcing it out of mind. Hanekoma’s not important right now, and he
follows Joshua, unsurprised to see he’d vanished in Neku’s moment of
inattention only to reappear on his throne.
“Neku, My Conductor,” he says, letting his frequency slide up as he dons the
composer mantle and Neku can’t help but avert his eyes. “It’s not time yet for
you to join My service.”
“I know,” he says honestly. “I just like the Shibuya UG.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere,” the composer replies, and Neku snorts.
Whether it’s Joshua or Shibuya with the sense of humor, Neku suspects there are
worse things than being a Shibuya reaper. “Let’s see,” they say, and the world
tilts.
The composer isn’t up-tuning him to meet them, this time, but Neku feels his
wings spread out despite themselves and Joshua/Shibuya lances through them with
a chord of power, stretching them so the composer can see exactly where he’s
been using them. Neku feels it thrumming with Joshua’s power and reverberating
through his bones, but he can’t manage to be scared. Not this time, not with
the composer. His wings disintegrate from the tips inward, returning to the
city, but Joshua leaves a few guidelines, the faintest echo of Shibuya’s melody
so he knows exactly how to rebuild him.
He still hears some of the Music of his district, but it fades out, too high
for Neku to sense except in that Joshua knows it better than the stale air Neku
desperately inhales like he actually needs it, no wings to manage it for him.
“It’s done,” Joshua says quietly, releasing his hold on Shibuya all at once,
and Neku looks up at him, bemused to learn he’d fallen to his knees. “I don’t
need to falsify anything for you, so it was simple.”
“Still tiring, though,” Neku guesses, getting up. It takes a few tries and he’s
unsteady on his feet when he finally manages it: apparently he’d been
levitating himself, too.
Joshua smiles at him, and they’re back in Neku’s room, though his skin crawls
with the effort. He’s seriously not built for teleporting, even if Joshua’s
merely moving him from one part of his not-entirely-real house to another, and
Joshua sets him on his bed before turning to leave. “Good night, Neku,” he
says, and Neku stands back up.
“What, you’re just going to bed?” he says, and Joshua shrugs. “It’s early,
dude; I don’t think I’m going to sleep for a while.”
“Be that as it may, I have work to do,” he replies, and Neku can tell he’s
hiding something. He tries to lightly poke him, but – right, no wings. “You’re
free to go wherever you like, of course, but if you have no immediate need for
me ….”
“Josh?” Neku says, and Joshua turns to look at him. “Thanks for – you know.
Sorry I’ve been fighting you about everything for the past week or two.”
He inclines his head. “It happens,” he says, but that doesn’t make it right.
“Many of the effects of our binding were transferred to your wings, so I don’t
think you’ll be accidentally scanning anyone anymore, or really at all outside
my reach. Try not to overstretch yourself.”
“I won’t,” he assures him, but that isn’t what he really wants to say. Even so,
Joshua leaves him, and Neku’s left with a bit of melancholic emptiness.
Shiki and Rhyme should know he’s been revived, but telling them feels like too
much work right now. His resurrection’s a good thing, he thinks, but it doesn’t
seem like it.
It’s just what needed to happen for everything to return to normal, but Neku
doesn’t like normal. The normal him’s just some art student going to school for
a degree that won’t help find a career, not the second-in-command for the
composer of one of the most influential districts of one of the most
influential cities in the world. Conductor Sakuraba’ll be someone important,
even if only in the underworld; college freshman Neku Sakuraba is no one.
He doesn’t need to be Someone to matter, but it helps. A place for him to
stand; a role for him to fill. That’s what the UG offers, and that Joshua
insisted he put it off for a while … it hurts, it really does. It shouldn’t and
he knows Joshua was right to do so, but he doesn’t feel better.
Well. Im alive again, he texts Shiki and Rhyme, then shuts his phone off. The
last thing he needs is their congratulations, when he feels like he made a
mistake.
Remaining a reaper would’ve been a mistake, too, just like trying to piss off
Joshua was. Just like pissing off Shiki was. Maybe everything after saying yes
to Joshua’s request that he be the conductor was a mistake, he doesn’t know.
Ugh, fuck.
Whether or not Joshua heard that, he’s probably at least a little aware of his
mood, so he pulls himself up and heads out to the lounge. “Joshua?” he calls.
“I got some things to say to you.”
It takes a few moments, but he hears a clunky noise on the couch, so he turns
to look. Joshua, visibly exhausted, still with his hair disheveled though Neku
knows he could fix it with a thought. “What is it, Neku,” he says, not really
making it a question.
“No matter how fucked up all of it got, I don’t regret saying yes to you,
Josh,” he says frankly. “I’m sorry I haven’t been very respectful of your
feelings, and I know it all got – complicated, and I know a lot of it was my
fault. But I do love you and I wanted to make sure you knew that.”
Joshua just looks at him for a minute. “Thank you,” he says eventually, and
Neku suspects those two words took a lot out of him. “I appreciate you saying
this to me.”
“Are we okay?”
A slight shake of the head. “We will be,” Joshua says, voice firm, and Neku can
still hear his determination to make it so. “It may take some time, however, so
I would appreciate it if you give me some space.”
And that hurts to hear, but he knows it’s true, too. Joshua wants him to be a
reaper, wants it extremely badly, and that he gave that up because it would’ve
been wrong for him to take things as they are … Neku is so proud of him. “Take
what you need,” Neku tells him. “I can even clear out, if you want me to.”
Joshua shakes his head, and Neku smiles to see his hair lands back in place
afterward. “I like knowing you’re close by,” he says honestly. “I just – may
need a day or two.”
Neku kind of wants to give him a hug, but that wouldn’t help right now. Not
when Neku’s why he’s upset. Instead, he nods firmly and says, “Good night,
Joshua.”
“Good night, Neku,” he says, inclining his head, and he vanishes.
What a day. Neku yawns, more tired than he thought, and puts together a small
meal before heading back to his room. Joshua’d left a pillow and some cute blue
sheets on his bed, which was nice of him, and a note:
     These are borrowed from Coco; I don’t own anything that fits a
     single. Keep them clean and one of us can buy something reasonably
     appropriate tomorrow. Sleep well.
Coco, as in the kid reaper? Neku was going to keep the PJs on anyway, but that
about settles it; no way is he getting his ass on that. “Hey, Josh?” he calls.
“You got any blankets? It’s cold in here.” A clicking sound, and then a set
appears on his bed, neatly folded. “Thanks!”
They come from different worlds, but even if Joshua rejected Neku’s attempt to
bridge the gap, he’s still trying to do well by him. And even if Neku has to
get himself established in his own before he can join Joshua in his, Neku can
return the favor. Just because the stakes are lower doesn’t mean Neku can
afford to lose, after all.
He’ll make it work out, and with that, he glares at the lights hoping they’ll
shut off, before Joshua suggests he snap his fingers, and he settles in to
sleep.
Chapter End Notes
     Aaaand we're into the home stretch. I only got 10k + 15k words of
     sequel written currently, though, so there might be a while between
     this fic ending and the next fic being posted. We'll see how it goes!
     :|c the nsfw of the day is joshua having neku get his pants all
     sticky for the hell of it
***** Chapter 28 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
It’s honestly kind of weird being able to sleep in without either his alarm or
Joshua waking him up, but Neku likes it. No windows here, though, and it takes
him a while to figure out the ambient light’s coming from the ceiling.
Sky lights. Of course Joshua would give him a room with sky lights; Neku hadn’t
thought to look up, and they’re set in subtly enough that he can easily believe
he just didn’t notice last night.
Pretty bright out today. Wonder what time it is? He digs out his phone to
check, and remembers he’d turned it off to avoid any unwanted messages. Well,
he’s going to have to face it sometime, and right now’s as good as ever.
Ugh, voice mail.
“Hey, Neku, it’s Shiki. I got your message and I’m really happy for you! You
don’t know how worried we’ve been, but please tell me you didn’t have to play
the Game again? The whole thing sounded so unfair and I really wish you’d pick
up, Neku; this whole thing has been pretty awful to watch and I know you’re not
even sharing the worst of it. Be careful, okay?”
And Rhyme just sent him an :OOO, which honestly? Neku can deal with that just
fine. It’s Shiki’s message he doesn’t know how to reply to. Not before
breakfast, anyway, and he heads off to wash up and get dressed like some kind
of zombie.
Joshua’s not in the lounge this morning, and Neku looks around blearily before
he figures out why that’s so weird. He’s just used to getting breakfast without
doing the work, he supposes, but it looks like Joshua doesn’t feel like feeding
him today. It probably isn’t anything personal: Neku did sleep in, after all.
Another way he’s been taking him for granted, and Neku flushes with
embarrassment. He hopes he didn’t do this to Beat, but he thinks he might’ve.
And Joshua doesn’t even need to eat, too, so it was just … it was just Joshua
trying to do something nice for him. Gah, awkward.
He’ll apologise later, but for now he fries up some eggs and rice and makes a
little bit extra, just in case. Never know when you might get company, after
all.
He eats alone, but once he’s feeling about full, some food still in his bowl, a
certain dog sticks his head in Neku’s lap. Are you going to eat that?
“I made it for you,” Neku replies, setting the bowl down on the floor, and the
dog digs in, groaning in satisfaction even though it’s just fried rice with
whatever Neku could find that seemed tasty.
We -- that is, I -- can sense intent, Neku, Joshua says, licking the bowl and
evidently enjoying his fluffy excuse to lack manners. It tastes better if it's
a gift meant for the recipient.
“I just figured I should at least try to pay you back for all the times you’ve
made sure I’m fed,” Neku says honestly, and he scratches Joshua’s neck deeply
to reassure him. That slip did not go unnoticed, and neither did his tail and
mood falling. “Thanks for that, by the way: I know you don’t need food.”
Joshua huffs, then leaps up onto the other couch as he shifts back to human,
perfectly poised like the last few minutes didn’t happen. “I do try to keep in
mind your limitations,” he says pointedly, “and feeding you is an easy enough
thing to do.”
“But it didn’t occur to me you were doing it at all,” Neku says, “so thank you,
Joshua.” Joshua’s hands clench around the couch cushion, and Neku stifles a
chuckle. “You doing okay?”
And that’s a bit better. “No one likes Mondays,” he says airily, “so it’s a bit
of a pain to find people to imprint who might be receptive. I don’t see why;
it’s not like Mondays are any worse than the rest of the week.”
“That’s because you work every day,” Neku says, and Joshua rolls his eyes.
“Yes, so I should know,” he says, and Neku snorts. “It’s Wednesdays you really
have to look out for, when the end of the week is nowhere in sight. Mondays are
a chance to turn all your recent inspiration back into work.”
“Never thought you’d be sympathetic to the plight of the salaried worker,” Neku
mutters.
“Yes, well,” he says, slightly awkward, “it helps that I know I’ll never have
to endure that tedium.”
“Appreciation at a distance,” Neku concludes. “Bet that works well for you.”
Joshua leans back, almost carefree. “It has its benefits,” he says comfortably.
“As does my ability to work and talk to you at the same time.”
It’s good he’s not always a distraction. “I’m going to need to do some stuff
later,” Neku says, “but until then, do you want to do anything?”
“I don’t have any immediate desires, no.” He shrugs. “Contrary to popular
belief, my life is very rarely interesting to the observer, though it’s never
boring.”
He supposes that makes sense, though he is kind of disappointed. “Kind of wish
you hadn’t revived me until –”
“Don’t, Neku,” Joshua says flatly.
“I just meant we could’ve sparred or something –”
“Don’t.” And he’s fuming now.
It’s not even all Neku’s fault he was dead in the first place; why the hell
does the subject have to be off-limits with the guy who’d killed him? You’d
think he hadn’t basically admitted to fantasizing about Neku being dead or
something, and it’s a bit strange Neku now thinks that in the way Joshua meant
it, not the way his friends’d take it.
Death’s just a career move, and Neku belatedly notices Joshua’d shut him out as
best he could. “Why are you so bothered by this?” he says. “You’ve always told
me you wanted to see me with wings, and then it happened and you were thrilled,
and now ….”
“Now I need to come to terms with you not being mine all over again, Neku,” he
replies, voice clipped. “Let me do so in peace.”
Neku was never his, though, and he scowls in distaste. Is that really how
Joshua thinks of it? Neku shouldn’t push, but ….
Right, a Shibuya reaper works for Shibuya, and transferring isn’t exactly the
most straightforward thing in the world. To a composer, their reapers really
are theirs, even if they still have autonomy, and to Joshua … Neku’s still
offended, but fine, Joshua deserves some space. “If there’s anything I could do
to help, let me know,” Neku says finally, and Joshua inclines his head.
“I appreciate the offer,” he says, “but right now, the best thing you could do
is find something with which to occupy yourself. I’ll be fit for conversation
this evening, Shibuya willing.”
Neku’s face falls, but fine, the guy said he needed space. Neku will give him
space. “Okay,” he says. “I’ll just be …?”
Joshua smiles at him, and even if he’s hurt, he still wants Neku to be happy.
“You could experiment in the music studio if you wish,” he says, vaguely
gesturing to a side room. “Def Märch has been leaving it a bit of a mess, and I
suspect you’re out of practice.”
“I’ll do that,” he says, relieved, even if he doesn’t like the jab at his
priorities. He’s been busy, okay: he hasn’t had time to keep up with it.
“Be well, Neku,” he says, and he fades out. Neku watches where he’d been for a
moment, and sighs.
He can’t quite tell if Joshua’s paying attention to somewhere anymore, but he’s
also not back at ow, fuck whenever he’s near, so that’s something. He’d like
for anything in his life to stay constant, but being quietly normal for a bit
isn’t too bad.
Weird, though, and he heads into Joshua’s music studio to see what’s up. Nice
acoustics, of course, though he should’ve expected that, with a piano and a
drum set, and … aha! A keytar. Somebody here was a fucking nerd, and he bursts
out laughing until he sees a pair of red headphones on the wall above the
amplifier. Oh. Right.
Someone was a fucking nerd, and it probably wasn’t Joshua. This whole place is
haunted by ghosts, and not all of them are the obvious ones. Still, though,
he’s out of practice and he enjoys fooling around on the piano, even if he
misses his keyboard and kind of feels like a loser for doing so. Pianos are
meant to be better, aren’t they?
But this piano can’t play fart noises, and that’s one of the real important
things in life. Death. Life again. Something like that.
He jams out for a while in there, and there’s even a decent collection of sheet
music in there for him to try stuff he doesn’t know. He’s not incredible, and
he really has fallen out of practice, but he has a good time anyway and that’s
what matters, isn’t it? It’s hard work, but you should always be able to enjoy
it, even if you aren’t feeling it right now.
Wish he had his computer with him. He doesn’t use it too much, but it’s fun
seeing what things people keep posting on Nico Douga, and he should try putting
together some doujin albums of his own someday. This place’d be great for
avoiding background noise while recording, he can tell that.
He checks some of the papers left lying around – Joshua’s got a finicky
definition of mess, wow – and notices a sign-up sheet. Well, Neku doesn’t have
solid enough plans to bother yet, but it’s good to know when Def Märch knows
they’ll be here. Kind of weird that the art studio’s private while the music
one’s free to rent, though. Maybe Joshua just doesn’t use this himself much?
Ugh, not having plans sucks. Neku used to adore what little free time he had,
but now what’s he supposed to do? Draw and practice drumming? Shit’s boring
alone, and he does that the rest of the time, too.
But Joshua wants his fucking alone time and Neku’ll give him it. He can go …
chill in the park or something, shop, do something more exciting than lying
around. He should get sheets of his own, shouldn’t he? Something like that.
He packs everything away and grabs a snack, then opens the door back out of the
lounge and slams it shut. Oh, fuck.
“Joshua?” he calls. “I got a problem.”
“What is it, Neku?” he replies tiredly, reclining on the couch like he’s king
of the world, or at least the city.
“I’m alive,” he says awkwardly. “The air outside – I can smell it, and I don’t
think the city still likes me enough to keep all that shit off me.”
“Ah.”
“Why do you live in the sewer, Josh?” he continues, exasperated. “It smells
like hell out there, and I know plenty of your reapers have to deal with it!
Why can’t you have some fancy real apartment or something?”
Joshua sighs, though he’s smiling, too. “Too expensive,” he admits. “A real
address requires buying a condo of my own, and taxes, and even if I manipulate
things like I have here to avoid utilities expenses, what then? My presence is
still harmful to living beings.”
“A house?” Neku tries. “You’d be farther away from people.”
“Mm, too many people passing by, and the point remains I still couldn’t afford
it,” he says. “This is easier and cheaper; here I can survive off only as much
money as I wish to spend, and even that’s less than a reaper’s stipend.”
Neku huffs. It all sounds more complicated than it needs to be: just put his
magic house aboveground somewhere. “Wait,” he says, realizing. “You aren’t
rich?”
“I have no income and access only to as much money as is lost and forgotten,”
he drawls. “No, Neku, I’m not rich; I simply have no expenses and can take what
I need from Sanae’s salary. I have resources; I don’t have money.”
Shit. So much for Neku’s dreams of being a big spender. They weren’t serious
dreams, but still. “Sorry, Josh,” he says sheepishly. “Guess I misunderstood.”
Joshua laughs. “Hardly a problem, my dear,” he says easily. “Now then, would
you like me to bring you up to the surface the fast way?”
“I don’t have real plans,” he admits. “Maybe?”
He gets a look in his eyes, and Neku takes his shoes back off, just in time for
Joshua to shift canine and teleport behind him, gently nudging his butt foward.
I need to grow used to you being alive again somehow, he says, and I suppose I
dislike keeping my paws off you.
“I’m okay with this,” he says, chuckling, and he lets Joshua lead him back to
the couch. Neku flops down onto it, leaning back, and Joshua hops up and lies
across his lap, giving him no space whatsoever.
Joshua’s big enough it’s hard to see over him, but Neku tries his best to pet
him anyway, and his fingers tingle when he digs them into his fur. It’s not
painful enough for him to want to stop, but Joshua sighs and relaxation ain’t
the only reason.
I did try to keep your vibe from dropping, he says. You're simply mostly
unaffiliated now, past being my responsibility, and without Shibuya's
interference ….
“I’m going to get burned,” Neku finishes, and Joshua thumps a paw. “I’ll be
careful, Josh, but I’m not going to stop touching my boyfriend.”
And I don't want to erase my conductor, Joshua snaps. Again, and by accident
this time, you realize!
Neku freezes. He didn’t – Joshua stops holding him still, and even if Neku had
reacted on his own, Joshua still sends a sheepish apology. “Josh, I ….”
Joshua groans, and Neku sighs as he vanishes and reappears on the other couch,
human again. “I’m sorry for my outburst,” he mutters, “and for –”
“You keep moving me around,” Neku says uncomfortably. “Without asking me.”
“Carelessness,” Joshua says, and Neku’s relieved to note it’s with disgust. “As
a reaper, you respond to your composer; now, you’re human, but only in that I
sealed your wings away, so it remains – easy, to do what I wish with you.”
Neku curls his lip in displeasure, and Joshua looks away. “I don’t want you
messing with my head like that,” he states.
“I know.”
“… be more careful.” He’s not mad, exactly; nothing Joshua’s done’s been stuff
he didn’t want to do anyway. But if Joshua can use him like that without
meaning to … he seriously is dangerous, and not just in the abstract. “Or ask
me first.”
Joshua sighs, leaning back. “I am sorry and I’ll try harder to keep it from
happening again.” Neku nods; that’s about all he expected. “Sanae’s warned me I
can’t afford to get complacent, but ….”
They aren’t the same type of being. Neku knows that and he’s had a glimpse into
Joshua’s world, but it still hurts to butt up against that reality. “I know
you’re trying,” Neku says, “and I don’t think you’ve pushed me to do anything I
wouldn’t anyway. It’s just creepy.”
He groans and covers his face with his arm. “I hate this,” he says, and Neku
winces. “It’s nothing against you, Neku, you do know that, yes?” He pauses
until Neku nods, and he slides his arm back down, satisfied. “I love feeling at
your mercy, your hands and will on my wings as you could use me for anything
you like, and I only trust that you don’t; your hands at my throat, your gun at
my head, anything for the next thrill, but even without that – it’s nice to
confuse where one person ends and another begins, if only for a little while. I
know I shouldn’t, not least because you can’t easily return the favor, but it’s
miserable, Neku.”
“Then let me be in control for a while,” Neku blurts out. “You really like
moving me around sometimes? Fine. But you’re going to do what I want sometimes,
and you’re just going to have to trust me to know what you’re okay with.”
Joshua stares at him, grin slowly widening like someone’s offering him some
unexpected peanut butter, and Neku feels him imprinting the suggestion to join
him on his couch. Might as well, he figures, and Joshua curls his arm around
him possessively. “I love you,” he says proudly, and Neku smirks.
“You’d better,” he replies, and Joshua chuckles. “I don’t know who else’d put
up with this, so it’s a good thing you’ve got me, huh? We’ll make it work.”
“That we will.”
===============================================================================
It’s Joshua who contributes the actual plan for the scene, which is kind of
annoying, but in this case, Neku’ll deal. He wants Joshua to feel better, and
it ain’t hard to let him decide the specifics of how he wants Neku to use him
as a toy.
“How are we playing this?” Neku says, and he’s delighted to realize Joshua’s
antsy and hiding his face, unwilling to stay put for long in case Neku changes
his mind.
Joshua hums. “Since I keep holding you still, you could tie me up, if you’d
like,” he says like it’s some grand concession, and Neku snickers. “I can of
course escape anything not around my wings, so you might as well simply ask me
to hold still, but I thought you might appreciate the visuals …?”
He’s not sure of the appeal, himself, but Joshua sends him an image and –
     Joshua with his hands and ankles tied behind his back, at Neku’s feet
     with all his self-assured grace, even as Neku holds a rope – leash –
     noose around his neck. Vulnerable, but only until he decides to be
     otherwise, and he listens patiently for a command, never shedding the
     impression this is a favor he does for you, though Neku can choke him
     if he pleases.
     Always, Joshua has his pride, but he doesn’t need it and he certainly
     doesn’t need to defend it. He’s untouchable, the composer and –
Neku shakes his head, blinking furiously to push the possibility out of his
mind as he swallows, his pants uncomfortably tight. Joshua couldn’t have meant
that, but when Neku finally looks at him again, he has that same ageless
transcendence on his face, like nothing could hurt him and nothing ever has.
“That’s the kind of stuff you like, huh,” Neku says eventually, and Joshua
holds his hand out. What can you do? and Neku could laugh.
“Playing the ineffable composer?” he says. “It has a certain appeal, yes,
especially if you’re the one doing the work.”
Lazy bum, he thinks, and he knows Joshua heard that. “Thought the point here
was you do what I want,” he points out. “You aren’t exactly going to do much if
you’re tied up.”
“Yes,” he drawls, “because fucking my mouth requires so much effort on my
part.” Oh, god, now Neku’s thinking about that and wincing, but Joshua
continues: “I want you to take pleasure from me as you wish, though I’ll thank
you to only go down on me as foreplay, if that, and not attempt anal at all.”
“That’s like half the cool options right there,” Neku complains, and Joshua
sighs.
“My presence is harmful to your health,” he states. “I’m not risking my
concentration when we’re that close.”
Wait, what? Oooooh. “You think you’d hurt me?”
“If you were focused on my pleasure? Yes, most likely,” he says flatly. “I need
to be able to get away from you if I start slipping, Neku. Always. Sanae can
moderate me if he needs to, but I suspect we’d both rather he stay out of our
sex life, hm?”
Augh! Neku gags exaggeratedly, but that’s not too far from the truth. No, no,
absolutely not; Hanekoma belongs way outside the bedroom and ideally shouldn’t
exist at all. Ewwwwwwww.
“Your vibe is as high as I can make it,” Joshua adds. “High enough I suspect
you unsettle the living, I’m afraid, but you should no longer instinctively
avoid me, nor must I take precautions before being near you. But I’m still not
safe.”
Neku nods slowly. It’s good Joshua isn’t likely to kill him by accident, but ….
“What do you mean, I’m unsettling?” he snaps.
“Humans can tell you’re not quite like them,” Joshua replies quietly. “Not
enough for them to want you away from them, and certainly not enough for you to
hurt them by accident, but you’re otherworldly and they fear the unknown.”
“That’s why I don’t have school friends,” he mutters to himself. “Because of
what you did.”
“Your charming personality doesn’t help, Neku,” he drawls, and Neku shoots up
to glare at him. “You’re grumpy and reticent, and you’re more UG than not. Of
course the RG dislikes you.”
“And it’s your fault,” Neku growls. “How can you – why do you always do things
without thinking of the consequences, Joshua? First you – and then you – and I
can’t stand it, you asshole, you’re always – you don’t think!”
Joshua stares at him blankly, then leans back into a pout. “I think plenty,” he
objects, and Neku kind of wants to punch him. “I hadn’t considered the
threshold where those who’ve never been involved with the Game would think you
odd, and at the time, I was more concerned with asking forgiveness than
permission.”
“And yet you’ve done neither.”
“I’m sorry I raised your vibe without asking,” he says easily, not mocking but
not far from it, either. “I haven’t continued doing so since I informed you I
had, however, and it takes significantly less to seem strange than to withstand
even the mildest of my flashes of temper. I can try to undo it, but our
acquaintance would be effectively over.”
He’s got nothing to say to that. What can he say?
“You can still make RG friends,” he adds. “It’s harder, and not only because
you can’t exactly tell them about the UG, but you’re merely strange, not
dangerous.”
“How do you know?” Neku says, and Joshua’s quiet. “How do I know you’re telling
me the truth, that you aren’t still hiding things from me? What am I supposed
to do, Joshua? What the hell am I supposed to do?”
Still quiet, and Neku’s about to open his mouth and start yelling when Joshua
finally replies. “I don’t know, Neku,” he says honestly. “I know you can still
make living friends because you do in some futures, but as to how you know I’m
telling you the truth as I understand it and not what you want to hear? You
don’t, Neku. You don’t, and you never will, except on faith, and, well, Neku,
we both know how that turns out, don’t we.”
“Yeah,” Neku says, and Joshua’s face is closed off. “Yeah, we do. You’ll break
it again and again and you aren’t even trying half the time; it’s not your
fault I’m gullible and don’t know the right questions to be asking. You don’t
even know what I don’t know, do you, but I know you mean well.”
Joshua laughs darkly. “I always do,” he says. “It never solves anything,
however.”
He fixed Shibuya, at least. He’d’ve destroyed Neku, but he fixed Shibuya. It’s
not a comforting thought. “You think we’ll ever stop doing this?”
“Rubbing my nose in all my mistakes?”
“No, fighting.”
“Oh, that,” he says, twirling some of his hair. “No, never.”
Not as long as they’re still speaking, anyway, but they both know that caveat.
Neku leans back and sighs, suddenly tired. “I just wanted to spend a nice week
with my boyfriend,” Neku admits.
Joshua glances down to watch the fish, and Neku tries to smile at him. He’s not
mad, or not very mad, but Joshua’s eyes flit up and Neku feels somehow ashamed.
“Given that Daisukenojo broke up with you,” Joshua starts indelicately, but
Neku cuts him off.
“I meant you, you idiot,” he snaps. “I know about Beat, all right? I don’t want
to think about him right now; I’m here with you, okay?”
Joshua purses his lips, and Neku’s tempted to tap his foot as Joshua decides
how to reply. “We’re dating?” he settles on, and now it’s Neku’s turn to be
confused.
“Aren’t we?”
“We could be,” he concedes. “I don’t believe I have time for a relationship,
though.”
“So … what do you call this?” Neku has to say. Joshua’s gotten him a room in
his own house, for fuck’s sake.
“You’re my conductor,” he says simply. “Composers don’t do relationships, Neku:
the district comes first. Always. I like you a great deal, but you have to
accept that I frankly can’t be there for you the way a human might.”
“I know,” he says immediately, even as he winces at the thought this might not
mean the same to Joshua as it does to him. No, he corrects himself: it might
not be the same, but there’s no way it means less to him than Neku. He’s
important to Joshua, he knows that.
And Joshua’s watching him, face calm as he counts off on his fingers. “I have
to be extremely careful about leaving Shibuya,” he adds. “Any time I go out
with you, we risk one of the reapers vying for my job, and I make people
uncomfortable by existing. You can’t take me as your plus one to anything,
Neku; don’t say these things before you’ve thought this through.”
He might not have thought about all of this, but Neku knows Joshua and he
thinks he knows what he can handle. “I know,” Neku says. “It’s a bad idea, and
I’ll be careful. For now, though, can I kiss you, and then maybe we get back to
what we were talking about?”
Joshua chuckles, and Neku’ll take that as a yes. “I want you as my conductor,
dear Neku, and anything else is a bonus,” he murmurs as he slides close,
lifting Neku onto his lap so Neku can nibble his ear. “If I could be what you
need, I would, but ….”
“You’re good as you are,” Neku assures him, and it’s even mostly true. Joshua
laughs, but Neku shuts him up with his lips on his and Joshua shudders, humming
in pleasure.
He’s so cold, and his lips have the wrong consistency, but Neku doesn’t care,
just pushes this clay god as he wills and tries to breathe life into him, even
as Joshua traces his clavicle with a predator’s easy grace. He’s beautiful, for
all that he should be ungainly, never outgrowing a teenager’s awkward
proportions, and he knows it, too. Neku feels his smug smile as Joshua
insinuates his tongue into his mouth to tease at the roof of it, and Neku might
jerk away, but for once the sharp reminder of his inhumanity doesn’t anger him.
“You should undress me,” Joshua says slyly, pushing a silk rope into Neku’s
hands, and Neku gulps. “Claim me, dear conductor, since I can’t claim you; it
amounts to the same thing, in the end.”
Neku snorts and takes it, resting it on Joshua’s shoulder and letting it brush
against his neck just to watch him shiver, then works on easing his buttons and
shirt off. He’s clumsy today, but Joshua’s not helping, damn him. “That’s the
roleplay you’re doing?” Neku says, and Joshua smiles.
“Roleplay?” he echoes, and Neku grinds down on his crotch to hear him stutter,
before pushing onto his knees to work off Joshua’s pants, though he’ll leave
his cute underwear. “Neku, you are my conductor, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, but I don’t think that’s what the sex is about,” he quips, and Joshua
only laughs. “How do I tie this?”
“However you want,” he replies easily, and he slides out from between Neku’s
legs and onto the floor before standing up to dust himself off, his half-hard
cock subtly outlined by his flower-print panties.
Neku realizes he’s staring, but Joshua doesn’t mind, simply smirks and basks in
the attention. Awaiting instruction, Neku realizes, and Joshua conjures a
blanket and some cushions to cover the glass table with.
That makes it easier. Neku points to the table and flaps his hand down,
instructing him to sit, then twirls his fingers for him to turn around, leaving
his back to Neku at the edge of the table and the rope still balanced on his
shoulder. “I haven’t done this before,” he warns.
“Neither have I,” Joshua admits. “It sounded fun, though, and I’ve no
circulation to lose, so the only thing that could go wrong is if I forgot to
lock the door.”
“Did you?”
“No,” he says. “I regret to inform you I remembered this time. We’ll have to
save the unwanted exhibitionism for later.”
“Oh,” Neku says, and: “Good.”
He reaches to pick the rope back up, and decides at the last moment to grab one
end and let it unfurl as he takes it, appreciating the tie-dye. It’s really
more of a scarf, and Joshua quivers as it brushes against his neck, even as
Neku tries to decide what to do with it. “Can I knot this?” he checks, and
Joshua nods jerkily.
He starts by simply looping it around his hands and feet, trying to decide
where to go with this, and Joshua shifts obligingly to give him access,
patient. Neku’s tempted to explore Joshua’s ass with him being so quietly
complacent, too, but that’s not the point of this and he’d just get himself
frustrated, anyway. Maybe one day.
Biting his lip as he tries not to think of that beautiful ass, he goes a bit
overboard with the wrists, crisscrossing over and over as he pulls the rope
tighter, and Joshua’s hands and feet pale in a facsimile of reduced
circulation. “All is well,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku leans forward to kiss the
small of his back, pulling Joshua’s hands down as he does so, and Joshua leans
back precariously.
He won’t fall, though, and Neku trails the silk up Joshua’s back, unsurprised
when his wings unfurl. “I wasn’t planning on petting you,” Neku says, but he
settles his fingers between Joshua’s shoulder blades and is rewarded with a
full-out moan.
“Be extremely careful with them,” Joshua warns, but Neku’s already learned that
lesson. He’s amused to note Joshua doesn’t let the soft silk within a few
centimeters of his wings, though, stopping Neku’s hand and the scarf itself
with his psi whenever he tries to brush up against them.
Along his spine seems to be fine, though, and Neku loops the scarf around his
hands and feet one last time before tying it off in the middle, so he can bring
it up and around his neck. He’s unsure how to keep it in the safe zone without
Joshua’s involvement, though, and he anchors it around his wrists and wraps the
scarf around itself as it climbs back to his neck, then ties it off at the
cervical vertebrae, and while Joshua might not be choked as he likes, Neku’s
given him a handlebar.
“This is kind of impractical,” Neku observes, but Joshua just laughs.
“May I turn around, conductor?” Joshua asks sweetly, and Neku pretends to think
about it.
“No,” he decides, and Joshua whines audibly. Instead, he gets a good grip on
the rope and jerks him up, wincing at Joshua’s pained noise. Joshua’s whole
body goes along with it, though, and Neku slips his own cock out, gently
fondling it as he thinks about what to do with him. If Joshua wants to be used,
Neku … Neku can probably do that.
“Well?” Joshua adds, and Neku pulls him up. He’s so light, but he feels solid
enough as Neku tries to work his dick between Joshua’s bound wrists and the
fabric of his panties. The friction’s a bit uncomfortable, and Neku groans
awkwardly as he grinds down on it, but Joshua chirps and it goes smooth, even
glassy. No purchase at all, and Neku tugs on the scarf to make him cough as
Neku tries to catch his balance.
He’s way too comfortable with the neck thing, but Joshua’s happy and Neku
pushes it down, tries not to think about it. “Don’t cheat,” he says instead,
then adds: “Brat.”
Joshua coughs again, and guilt flashes through Neku even as Joshua imprints his
pride and pleasure. “You knew what you were getting into, conductor Sakuraba,”
Joshua replies, and Neku jerks it again.
“It’s Neku,” he corrects sharply, though he knows it’s mostly play. Neku’s got
his role, too, though.
“Mmm, Neku,” Joshua purrs back, and he doesn’t need to see his face to know
he’s licking his lips. He doesn’t try to punish him again, though: choking him
isn’t exactly a deterrent, and Neku’s surprised to realize he’s actually
enjoying it.
He might be hurting someone, but Joshua likes to be hurt, and he pushes Joshua
down on his last thrust and kisses between his wings, letting his mouth linger
on the feathers as he sticks his tongue out and gives them a nice lick.
Joshua shrieks in response, and the whole room vibrates for a moment. The
floor, the table, everything – it all rings with the composer’s will before
fading back out, and Neku’s glad to feel Joshua dipping into his mind to send
reassurance. He was just startled, that’s all, and Neku rests his forehead
there as he lets him back up. Not enough to release him, but even standing that
close is enough for Joshua to fumble for Neku’s cock, wiggling backward in an
effort to reach.
Neku straightens up. “No, Josh,” he says gently, “you don’t get to get me off
just yet.”
“Scared you’ll fall asleep?” he quips. Neku rests his fingertips on Joshua’s
bare feet.
“Don’t make me tickle you,” he warns.
“You can’t, anyway,” Joshua grumbles. “I’m not ticklish.”
“Oh really?” he says, and goes for it. True to his word, though, Joshua merely
sits there impassively, and it’s more embarrassing than if he’d mocked him.
Neku gives up. “Just turn around,” he snaps, gesturing for it, and Joshua
laughs at him, though he does go along with it.
“At your service,” he says brightly, and Neku sees him attempt to salute before
realizing his hands are trapped behind his back, and Joshua’s face falls. “Ah,
it seems we’re both defeated,” he sighs dramatically, and Neku rolls his eyes.
He wasn’t too attached to the tickling idea, anyway. “I’m gonna ask you about
your thoughts, all right?” he says, and Joshua nods. “Tell me if it’s not
working for you.”
“That’s a hardship,” Joshua notes, and Neku gets up to straddle him. He can’t
sit down far – Joshua’s stuck kneeling, after all, but pressing down so Joshua
has to lean back uncomfortably is satisfying on its own, and Neku’s pleased to
see a flash of concern in his eyes. “Your face is close,” Joshua notes, and
Neku kisses him, his hands on the table so he can keep his balance as Joshua
carefully returns it, a bit uncertain what Neku intends.
Good.
Neku keeps the lead and Joshua’s content to let him, his cock straining out of
his underwear, but Neku just keeps on exploring his mouth and only notes
Joshua’s arousal as an afterthought. He tastes like coffee and salt and smog,
or maybe nothing at all, and Neku bites Joshua’s lip to see if blood will
follow. Maybe it’s only the idea of it, but the coppery tang washes away the
trace of Joshua and his city, and Neku leans back to look at him. “Well?” he
says, trying not to lose his nerve.
“If you keep this up, we might have to do this again,” Joshua replies frankly.
“You’re really very – nnhhh!”
That strangled sound was Neku going for his neck, and he sucks right above the
tied scarf as Joshua strains up against him, unable to push himself without
resorting to psychokinesis, and Neku realizes belatedly Joshua’s confined
himself to the RG as much as he can. Sticking to the letter and the spirit, so
long as it’s convenient. “I hope that’s not all you were thinking,” he adds
quickly as Neku sucks on his ear and then moves down to kiss his chest.
“It’s not,” Neku promises, and Joshua squirms as Neku makes his way downwards,
sliding backwards and off the table as he does so. Neku knows the moment Joshua
pays attention to what he’s planning: he stills, and Neku looks up without
moving his face from Joshua’s faint happy trail.
“Conductor,” he says, a bit at a loss.
“Composer,” Neku replies as he slides his finger into Joshua’s waistband, and
he’s amused to see Joshua flush as pink as his Noise. “Spit it out, Josh.”
“Neku, I –” Joshua says, shaking his head, and then he nods slowly. “Be
careful, Neku: I don’t want to get off like that.”
“It’ll be fine, Josh,” he says, and he slips Joshua’s cock out and gives the
head a lick as Joshua shudders and his cock twitches as he tries to pull away,
and for a moment, Neku thinks he might slide out of his binds.
Only for a moment, though, and Neku waits for him to settle again before
wrapping his mouth around his cock, licking the underside as Joshua lets out a
whine, and Neku doesn’t know if it’s desperation or unease. Either way, though,
Joshua cranes down to look at him and he feels a breeze ruffle his hair as he
teases around the glans.
But that’s enough of that, and he pulls himself away and onto the couch as
Joshua lets out a sigh. “I’d rather see you get off, Neku,” he says, petulant,
and Neku grips Joshua’s cock in one hand and his own in the other, not
bothering to move off the floor.
“Maybe I’ll oblige you,” Neku says, and Joshua looks so painfully hopeful he’s
tempted to crush it. He can take care of himself afterward, he decides, and as
counter intuitive as it is to delay his own pleasure, Joshua’s dismay is
delicious. “Can you fake humanity for a bit?” he asks, and Joshua’s face
scrunches up like he bit a doughnut.
“I guess,” he sulks, and Neku lets go of his own cock to take Joshua’s more
firmly, running his thumb along the slit as encouragement, and Joshua concedes.
“Oh, all right; what do you want?”
“Come for me,” Neku says with a straight face, and Joshua glowers as Neku
kisses the tip of his cock and jerks it, slowly but firmly. “Maybe I want to
see you get sticky, too, you know?”
He sticks his tongue out in a pout, but he does nod, pushing up into his hand,
and Neku notices in amusement he’s slid his feet free to give himself more room
to move. Joshua flushes, but the embarrassment isn’t enough to dissuade him,
and Neku wraps his legs around Joshua’s in reassurance.
“Come on, Josh, just relax and let me,” he coaxes, and Joshua pushes more
frantically. “You’re good to me, and you’re behaving pretty well ….”
“Neku,” Joshua murmurs, biting his lip, and he averts his face when Neku smiles
at him. “Neku, I ….”
“Come on, Josh,” he urges, massaging the head with one hand as he slides the
other along the shaft. “I trust you; just let go, all right?”
Joshua groans and shudders his release right as Neku aims it right where he’ll
have to confront it, and while Neku feels him imprint the aftereffects of his
orgasm, Neku doesn’t share in it, his own cock aching as he’s left with
Joshua’s wary satisfaction, and it’s only his determination to finish Joshua
off that keeps his hand from drifting downward.
Of course, he can’t be that lucky, and he’s left swearing as Joshua comes down
from his high. “You got it in my eye, dude!” he yells, not sure how to clean
his face off when his hands are a mess, too. “Couldn’t you have been at least
that careful?!”
“I didn’t decide any of that,” Joshua replies contentedly, easily removing the
scarf. “That’s disgusting, by the way.”
“I got you off,” Neku says back, and he’s trying not to laugh even though fuck
that stings and his eyes are watering. “I got you to do the gross thing.”
“And I suppose you’re proud of yourself,” Joshua sniffs, and actually, yeah, he
is. “That really is disgusting.”
“You could kiss it better,” he suggests, and even if he can’t see right now,
Joshua’s repulsion is to die for. “It’s yours, after all.”
“This was your idea!” he roars, and Neku cackles all the way til he’s dumped in
the shower and he feels elegant fingers clawing through his hair to get the
spunk out, even though you’d think his eyes’d be the first concern.
Ow, fuck, that hurts now that Joshua’s not flooding his brain with his own
pleasure, and Neku whimpers. Joshua tuts and Neku feels a sponge being wiped
over his face, and Joshua keeps vanishing everything off of it, but agh, ow,
ow, ow.
“You’ll be fine,” Joshua murmurs as he finishes with Neku’s face and massages
his hair, and Neku warily opens his eyes so water can run through them, and
even if that’s unpleasant in itself, he thinks it might help. “Now you know
better, I suppose,” he adds, and Neku steps on his foot.
“You could’ve checked what I was doing,” he grumbles, though secretly he’s
proud he didn’t. “And I still think the idea was sound.”
Joshua huffs. “What, ruining your hair?” he says, and he buries his knuckles
into his scalp to punctuate it. Neku groans, content, and if Joshua’s trying to
chastise him, he should probably stop that. “Here, hold still,” he adds, and
Neku’s unsurprised to find that layered with a light compulsion.
“Okay,” he says.
Joshua snaps his fingers and the water stops in midair, but more importantly he
conjures a box of baking soda and globs up some of the water to mix with it.
“Keep your eyes open,” he says, and Neku nods sharply before feeling Joshua
hold him in place so he can rinse his eyes out.
It still hurts, but it’s better. “Thank you,” Neku says honestly, and Joshua’s
mouth twitches upward as Neku leans down to kiss him on the forehead, right as
the water shoots back on and he jumps. “Do you have to do that?!” he yelps, but
Joshua just smiles.
“Obviously,” he says, and Neku could kick him. “Honestly, Neku, when you make
it so easy to prank you, it’s barely even fun anymore. What are you even
doing?”
“This,” he says, and he shoves the sponge over Joshua’s mouth and laughs as he
splutters. “Honestly, Josh, when you make it so easy –”
And now he’s done it; Joshua tackles him, and the shower’s really not big
enough for that! Neku tries to dodge, but at least the wall’s spongy when
Joshua crashes him into it, and it’s fucking embarrassing being pinned by a
twig half your weight. Joshua just smirks at him, though, and Neku raises his
arms to yield as Joshua goes after him with the sponge, squirting some soap
onto it as he tries to clean every last bit of dirt off him, and Neku can’t
stop laughing.
He’s – he’s in Shibuya’s Composer’s own shower, and he’s being attacked with a
sponge. And his eye still hurts, but that doesn’t really matter right now
because he’s got to keep Joshua from trying to tickle him, too, and it doesn’t
matter that Neku went there first: it’s still not fair that Neku’s ticklish and
Joshua isn’t.
Jerk. Jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, but he’s happy and Joshua’s happy and
that’s all he can bring himself to care about right now.
Chapter End Notes
     Happy new year! And we're starting this year off right: with porn.
     Failtastic bondage, consensual mind control, facials, and showering
     together because Neku got spunk in his eye because I am a terrible
     person. Don't be a dumbass: close your eyes.
***** Chapter 29 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
He’s not in the slightest surprised when the lounge is perfectly clean like
they hadn’t just been fooling around in it, and Neku might’ve eaten recently
but Joshua’s still pissily glaring at some sort of batter. “Have you made cakes
before?” he calls, and Neku has to shake his head.
“Only from a mix,” he replies, and he sits down at the bar to see what Joshua’s
up to. It looks messy, whatever it is, and the whole thing’s a bit incongruous.
Joshua hates messes, but the flour faintly covering half the kitchenette is
just fine, apparently. “Do you usually cook this much?” he asks, and Joshua
sets a selection of fruit in front of him.
“No,” he says easily. “I used to work in Sanae’s shop, however, and it’s –
familiar, I suppose.”
“Useful, too,” Neku muses, and Joshua beams at him. “Well, don’t feel like you
have to do all this on my account, seeing as I’m the one who needs food.”
Joshua snorts. “It’s hardly a trial to make you a gift and please Shibuya at
the same time,” he snaps, and Neku quirks a brow at him. “My district prefers
when I rely on my own inspiration at times, even if it’s not always efficient.
The more arts I’m at least conversant in, the better I can channel my
district’s energy. Convenient for us both, don’t you think?”
He’s still cooking on Neku’s behalf, though, and he hates feeling like a waste
of space. He knows he isn’t, at least in Joshua’s mind, but he still feels like
it, and Joshua’s even faster at doing the dishes than him. “Is there anything I
can help with?” he asks hesitantly, and Joshua lights up.
“Absolutely,” he says, and he herds Neku into the kitchen, even though there
really isn’t enough space for two. Or maybe that doesn’t matter, since Joshua
takes his old spot and switches to using telekinesis without a hitch. “You can
mix the batter, and I’ll even let you lick the bowl,” he says, handing Neku a
whisk, and Neku makes a face.
“I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that,” he says.
“Salmonella,” Joshua replies absently. “If you die from that, though, I won’t
be too disappointed.”
He rolls his eyes. “I can always count on you to have my safety in mind,” he
says. “I think I’ll pass.”
“Suit yourself.”
It’s actually kind of fun, and after Neku pours it into the pan and sticks it
in the oven, he gets to watch Joshua make the icing. Espresso flavored,
unsurprisingly; Joshua’s not too big on sweet things, and even if Neku suspects
the cake’s for him, Joshua should like it, too.
“You’re not what I would have expected,” Neku admits, and Joshua laughs.
“What did you expect?”
God, who knows. Joshua’s always been an enigma, and it used to tick him off. It
still does, really, but … it’s not bad, either. “More magic, less cooking.”
“Cooking is magic,” he says, and he sweeps Neku off his feet and twirls him
around even as Neku closes his eyes and puts his faith in Joshua. He won’t
fall, not even if the guy lifting him’s so small and frail, and they’re back on
the couch when Joshua sets him down.
Neku looks into his eyes, and Joshua’s intent as he stares at him owlishly.
“Cooking is magic,” Joshua says again. “Creation is what separates us from the
animals; humans aren’t the only ones on earth who can connect to the
Underground, but it’s ours that shapes the rest. Art is culture and culture is
art, and you need both to keep the rest going, Neku.”
He means it; he means it as deeply as he’s ever meant anything. Doesn’t mean
Neku agrees. “It’s just food, Josh. You eat it and then it’s gone.”
“Nothing lasts forever,” he says archly. “Food simply lasts less time than
most, and that is why you should always compliment the chef.” He gives Neku a
pointed look at that, and Neku blinks.
Is he serious? He’s serious. This is really happening. “Are you mad I didn’t
notice you kept feeding me?” he says, and Joshua stiffens. “You are, aren’t
you. This is you trying to make me appreciate what you do for me more.”
A huff as he crosses his arms, turning away. “You could admit Sanae’s also been
doing the cooking,” he grumbles. “It’s an apology, of a sort.”
Ugh, seriously? “Breakfast ain’t gonna make me forget attempted murder,” he
states, and Joshua huffs again. “That is way more than pancakes can cover.”
“Oh, be difficult, why don’t you!” he snaps, and Neku jerks up. Joshua goes a
bit pink, embarrassed by his outburst, but he takes an unnecessary breath and
stretches his arms out. “I like you a great deal, Neku,” he says, a bit shaky.
“You’re my best option for conductor; you have been since our game, and I don’t
think you understand how much I appreciate – everything, every moment you
decide to spend with me. But I need you to realize Sanae does try to look out
for me and that you and he will need to reach some kind of accord if you have
any intention in remaining in my personal life.”
Neku’s hands curl up and he forces himself to breathe. Yelling won’t help, not
when Joshua’s issuing an ultimatum and Neku can’t quite get angry about it.
Furious about Hanekoma, yes, but not at Joshua’s discomfort at being in the
middle. “He hurt you,” he states.
“Rather badly,” Joshua admits. “He’s still my friend.”
“He hurt me,” Neku adds, and Joshua looks down.
“I haven’t forgiven him for that,” he mutters. “Neku, I won’t say he’s changed,
because he hasn’t. He won’t, either. It’s your own decision whether you can
maintain a professional relationship with him, but he’s my friend and I don’t
have many of them, Neku. Keep that in mind.”
It’s hard to forget. “I hate this,” Neku says, hunching up. “Not – not most of
it, but you and Hanekoma ….”
Joshua sighs and pulls his legs onto the couch so he can hug them, and Neku
glances at him. “He’s dying,” he says simply, and there’s a sorrow there Neku
doubts the man deserves. “They haven’t erased him because I need him; he’s
already gone in the worlds where I’m not there. What he did to you only
confirms it; he’s a traitor and he’ll die a traitor’s death. The Higher Plane
isn’t given to mercy.”
He’s – what? “They told you?” Neku asks hollowly, and Joshua pulls his legs
closer, burying his face in his knees.
“I preened Sanae and dragged it out of him,” he confesses, and Neku winces:
even with his own inexperience, he knows you just don’t do that, and that
Joshua did … he did what he had to do, Neku’s sure, but that doesn’t mean he
can forgive himself for it. “I can’t save him from what he’s done, Neku. They
won’t erase him while I’m composer, not as long as I vouch for him, but he’s a
good man and not even my word can keep Them from Their justice forever.”
And Joshua knows it. Those bastards, Neku thinks with feeling, and he gives
Joshua a little mental push. Joshua obediently removes himself from Neku’s
mind, and he knows it takes active effort but Joshua needs to not hear this.
It’s hard as fuck to distance yourself from someone who means as much to you as
Neku suspects Hanekoma does to Joshua, and if Hanekoma’d die as consequence ….
Neku couldn’t bring himself to leave Joshua to founder alone, and Neku has
other friends, can make other friends. Joshua’s alone: he doesn’t have anyone
else to fill that role. Why did they let him know he’s the only thing standing
between Hanekoma and erasure?
Oh. Oh, hell, he didn’t learn from them at all. He learned from Hanekoma, and –
Neku just had a nasty thought. “… Can he lie?” he says carefully, and Joshua
glances at him.
“Not to me,” he says, and Joshua believes what he’s saying utterly. If Hanekoma
can say something factually wrong, Joshua doesn’t know it.
“How did you find that out, exactly?” he asks, and Joshua’s temper flares,
dissonant enough to go straight to Neku’s spine, but he reins it in and Neku
feels his silent apology, even as Joshua tries to stay out of his head.
“I’ve been doing this a lot longer than you, Neku,” he says levelly. “Did you
think I wouldn’t recognize a manipulation attempt for what it was? Of course I
fact-checked; I even asked that bastard in Shinjuku to check with her producer
if Sanae might have been misleading me. The Higher Plane will have his wings
the moment he’s no longer useful, and I’m too competent for Them to want me
replaced. He Fell, Neku; he’s even more of a dead man walking than the rest of
us.”
So Hanekoma didn’t lie, and Neku lets out a long breath as he senses Joshua’s
awareness fall back into place. It’s odd, knowing someone’s listening in on
your thoughts, but he trusts Joshua and knows it’s just natural for him.
“I’m sorry,” Neku says, even if he’s not sure why. If anyone deserves erasure,
it’s Hanekoma; he just wishes CAT would go down without hurting anyone else.
Fat chance of that.
“He’s had a good run,” Joshua says quietly. “Four hundred years, give or take;
no one could say his punishment isn’t fair, and They won’t force me to adjust
to a new producer. He’s even still around in some of the worlds I never became
composer, though that won’t last. It’s a kinder fate than many.”
Or a form of torture all its own, and Neku tries to push the thought down. “It
still sucks,” he says instead, and Joshua nods jerkily. He climbs over next to
him and pulls him into his lap, and is unsurprised to find Joshua shoving his
face into his chest with a pained sound.
Joshua can’t have learned this recently, but … Neku must be the first person
he’d confided in, and he feels bizarrely flattered. “We’re a mess,” Neku
observes as he rubs Joshua’s back and nuzzles his shoulder, and Joshua laughs
darkly. “I’ll keep working on a truce with him, though.”
“Thank you,” he mumbles, wrapping his arms around his neck, and Neku lets out a
chuckle of his own. “I should be used to these things by now; my job is lost
causes.”
But none of them mattered to Joshua personally. “Sometimes things hit people
weird,” Neku offers. “I’m not going to hold it against you.” He might need to
have a freak-out of his own, actually: Hanekoma might be a total douchebag, but
he’s also the foundation of a lot of Neku’s life. And there’s a difference
between knowing nobody’s immortal and hearing somebody’s in deep shit and not
getting out.
Joshua sighs. “I told you so you would understand, not so it would bring you
down, too,” he grumbles. “Sanae is as fine as he’ll ever be again, and you
can’t even perceive the damage. He’s not erased yet.”
“I know that,” he snaps. “I also know it matters to you, Josh.”
Another sigh. “Thank you, I suppose,” Joshua says, and he slides off him to
rest his head in Neku’s lap. He’s breathing, Neku realises, but it tapers off
as Neku wraps his arms around his head and Neku’s a little disappointed, even
as Joshua pushes up to settle himself on Neku’s elbow with a contented hum.
Neku scratches his scalp as Joshua groans in appreciation, and he feels him
grow slightly less real. Or more real, depending how you look at it, the
solidity of a living body fading away to make room for the dull roar of
Shibuya, and just because it doesn’t quite speak to him anymore doesn’t mean he
doesn’t know it when he feels it. Joshua’s redevoting his attention to his
work, and all Neku’s here for is a nap as he lets himself doze, still petting
his composer.
He almost doesn’t notice when the door opens and footsteps resound off the
plexiglass floor; Joshua certainly doesn’t seem to care. “Anybody home?” he
hears. “Something smells good.”
“It’s Neku and me today, Kouki,” Joshua calls. “There’s a cake in the oven and
it should be about done.” Hey, that is Neku’s cake, and he ain’t sharing with
no Lollipop. … much.
“Sweeto!” The reaper bolts over to the bar while still trying to look languid,
which just makes him look like a dork, but reapers. What can you do?
“Don’t you fucking dare eat it all,” Neku says loudly, and Joshua chuckles,
this reassuring rumble all along him.
“I made it to be eaten,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku swats him. He’s going to have
at least some of the cake, damn him.
Kariya thankfully brings the thing over to the table, along with the icing, and
settles himself on the other couch as he ices it and cuts them all slices,
giving himself a massive corner piece. Neku glares at him, but he nudges Joshua
up and takes his plate, and damn is this thing good.
Chocolate with a faint fruity tang, and the coffee compliments it nicely, and
Neku digs in. Joshua’s watching him, he realizes, and just to mess with him a
little, he hums in euphoria as a parody of Joshua himself, though it really is
a pretty divine cake.
Joshua turns away suddenly, an enigmatic smile on his face, and Neku wishes he
could scan him. Joshua snorts softly and tosses him a Love you, and then it’s
Neku who doesn’t want to meet anyone’s faces.
“Didn’t think the boss-man could cook,” Kariya says, and Neku darkens. Did he
have to ruin the moment? “You got some kind of occasion, J?”
“Neku’s back in the world of the living,” Joshua replies, and Neku stares at
him. That’s what the cake’s about?! “He’s not ready.”
And Kariya’s quiet, cold in a way Neku’d rather never see him again. “He’s
already been introduced as your conductor.”
“Nevertheless, my decisions are absolute.”
“Josh, what the fuck are you pulling?” Kariya says, standing up for whatever
intimidation value it gives him, but Joshua’s as nonchalant as ever and Neku
feels him wrapping his power around them both. “We ain’t toys, boss, and Coco
and I sure as hell ain’t gonna keep this charade up forever. We’re low-ranking
for a reason, and if you think you can just keep flitting around without a
conductor –”
“I’m the conductor,” Neku interrupts, crossing his arms as he glares.
“You’re not dead!”
Joshua stands up. “Neku is my conductor, Kouki,” he states, and he may be
small, but Neku would not want to be on the other side of his regal fury. “I
sealed away his wings because the timing wasn’t right; I don’t care what
everyone else thinks.”
Kariya sits back down, defeated. “Well, maybe you should,” he says quietly.
“It’s been four years, J – it’s getting past when Coco and I got the patience
to cover for you. You need a conductor and you need a reaper, boss; nobody else
gives a fuck who he says he is if he can’t even stand up to them in a fight.”
“I won’t be long,” Neku promises, and it’s a lump in his gut. He doesn’t think
he’ll regret this, but how can he know? You can always turn back, Joshua sends
him like he’d thought it himself, and he swallows. He can, but not without
inconveniencing a lot of people. “Winter break,” he says. “If everything goes
well, I’ll take up my wings on winter break.”
“And if it doesn’t?” Kariya mutters, and Joshua forces his hands to relax.
“Then we’ll see how it goes,” Joshua says firmly, sitting back down, and Neku
feels him loosening his grip on him.
Joshua’s a leader, and Neku tries to copy his stern demeanor as Kariya glances
between them, uncomfortable. Finally he nods and says, “Okay. You’re the boss,
J, and I trust you, even if you make it really fucking hard on the rest of us
sometimes.”
“The perils of dictatorship,” he says mildly. “I am the composer, after all.”
“Uzuki’d have my head if she knew we were sitting here like this,” Kariya
mutters, and Neku snickers. “Hey, it’s not funny; do you know how much she
keeps trying to drag me into her plans for promotion?”
“Just tell her you weren’t gonna take on both of us at once,” Neku says, still
trying not to laugh. “You’d be totally dead.”
Kariya points his fork at him. “I might be totally dead, but I can still whoop
some whippersnapper’s ass,” he claims, and Joshua leans back, wrapping his arm
around Neku’s waist.
“I’d rather we don’t test that anytime soon,” he says mildly, and Neku and
Kariya share a look. Joking, dude, but he continues: “I happen to like Neku’s
ass.”
Neku tackles him and shoves his hand over Joshua’s face to stifle his cackling,
as Kariya gags. “Don’t tell people that!” he orders, but Joshua’s undaunted and
he licks Neku’s hand.
“I’m getting out of here,” Kariya says, standing up, and Neku and Joshua both
pause in their wrestling to wave at him, though Neku climbs onto his boyfriend
to pin him. What an annoying guy, and he’s not even repentant.
Joshua keeps phasing through the couch to wiggle out from under him, but Neku
still thinks he’s winning here. “I’ll apologize to him later, I suppose,”
Joshua says, and it takes him a moment to figure out why.
“No, really?” Neku says, and he gets off him and sulks on the other side of the
couch. Ugh, gross, public displays of affection, and Neku was one of the
assholes here.
“This is the first time I’ve had to deal with wanting to jump somebody at any
given time,” he explains, unperturbed. “I’ve plenty of leeway with my friends,
I assure you.”
“Well, you ain’t going to jump me in public,” Neku states, and Joshua sighs.
“They might excuse you, but some of us know better by now.”
And Joshua’s older than him – older by a lot – so really, shouldn’t they both
be past this? “We’re not in public,” he says blandly, and no, actually. No,
they are not.
“We just had sex,” Neku feels obligated to point out, but Joshua climbs on top
of him anyway and floats up a piece of cake.
“Open wide,” he purrs, and are they really going to do this? Guess so, because
Neku doesn’t want to disappoint him, and he lets Joshua float each bite of
truly decadent cake into his mouth, careful not to lose any crumbs. It’s not
even the slightest bit practical, but Joshua’s eyelids flutter each time Neku
closes his mouth to chew and swallow, and that maybe makes it worth it. Maybe.
“It’d be easier if I just fed myself,” he points out, but Joshua only rolls his
eyes and keeps going, resting his fingertips along Neku’s jaw and throat in
possessive satisfaction.
The cake is pretty damn awesome. Joshua glows when he thinks that, so Neku
tries humming in appreciation at the next morsel again, and – yeah, okay, that
goes straight to Joshua’s libido. Useful to know, though now he’s even more
uncomfortable with him doing that in public.
“Oh, it’s not sexual,” Joshua assures him. “It’s simply easiest for you to
interpret it that way.”
“Okay, Mr ‘It’s Not Sexual,’” Neku says easily. “You just have a stiffy for no
reason.”
Joshua glances down and back up, then smiles. “I say again, it’s simply how
your brain interprets my cues.”
Sure, Josh. Sure. Neku’s still going to think it’s a fetish, and he licks his
lips to get some stray icing off. God, can Joshua cook, and Joshua shuffles
like he might be aroused enough to be uncomfortable. Clearly it’s all on Neku’s
end, though; he’s just projecting any sexual undertones to it.
“You are, actually,” Joshua mutters, but Neku’s still unconvinced. “If you
weren’t interested in me, there’d be nothing to show I’m interested in you.”
“It’s all my fault,” Neku sings as he sits up to lay a kiss on Joshua’s lips,
and Joshua melts into his touch even as he’s shaking his head. He seems happy,
though, and he tastes like that goddamned cake, so Neku doesn’t back off and
Joshua doesn’t either.
He’s not kissing back near as much as Neku’d want him to, but Neku feels him
insinuating himself into Neku’s mind and that’s good in its own way, most of
his concerns drowned out by Joshua’s pure love of existence, a bit of mental
prodding for Neku to think about them baking together and Joshua quivers under
him.
That’s what he wants. That’s actually what he wants, more than Neku’s tongue
caressing his lips, and Neku thinks about that mural Joshua’s putting in for
him and Joshua lets out a whine.
He gets off on this. The weirdo actually fucking gets off on Neku thinking
about what he’d made for him, and he sends a well, obviously as Neku tries to
pull up the details he’d liked the most. It’s hard to think with Joshua
crowding out the rest, but he tries anyway and Joshua shakes.
“And you baked me a cake and you made me eggs and you –” he says, kiss
forgotten, but Joshua vanishes and sends him a hurried don’t stop as Neku tells
him what else he’s done and Neku’s noticed.
The floor’s ringing, and Neku glances down at it to see a skate and that
reminds him. “It’s cute how you like fish so much,” he says, and Joshua might
be gone from where he can find him but he senses a terse keep going, so he
will. “You’ve got some jellyfish in the bathroom, and they’re really relaxing,
and you keep remodeling your house for me and you barely complained when I
showed up out of the blue, and –”
I love you, Neku, Joshua says with the weight of Shibuya behind it, and Neku
falls silent. We love you, and We want you as Our conductor so dearly, and I'll
be down in a minute, once We've done a few things. You should preen me after
that display, Neku; that was well done.
“Thanks?” he says, and he feels Joshua withdraw from his mind for now. Not
completely, but there goes Neku’s sense of Joshua, and he feels strangely
bereft.
He’s not even gross and sweaty, and he definitely doesn’t feel like Joshua’d
ruined an orgasm or something like that, no matter that Joshua was giving him
echoes of how he felt, but it’s still not right for Joshua to run off like
that, and Neku feels a bit like he might cry.
“That was divine,” Joshua says shakily, and Neku looks up to see him
straightening out his rumpled clothes. “Neku, that was perfect,” and Neku’s
sure he means it.
“You left,” Neku accuses, and Joshua’s face falls. “You got me eager for you to
be there and you left.”
“I can’t pull you up with me,” Joshua says quietly, but that doesn’t feel good
enough! Neku didn’t want to be alone, and he’s crying a little as he pulls
Joshua into his lap and holds him close. “I needed to go up, Neku; you’re human
and I can’t –”
Neku can’t feel the cosmos, and his lips go flat as Joshua keeps trying to pet
him, trying to make up for it somehow, but Neku needed someone there and Joshua
left.
“I’m sorry,” Joshua finishes, and Neku feels his shirt go damp where Joshua’s
buried into it. Fucking drama queen, but Neku knows he only cries if he wants
to and he’s not moved. “Neku, it wasn’t on purpose.”
“You could’ve warned me.”
Not early enough, Joshua thinks, and Neku doesn’t know if he wants to kick him
back out of his mind. It’s nice having him there, but it’s worse when he’s just
gone and he’s still angry. “I told you I can’t always be there for you.”
“There’s a difference between being a flake and bolting like that,” he states,
and Joshua nods weakly.
“It was really nice,” he mumbles. “It was run or risk losing control.”
So, what, Neku can’t get his boyfriend off in the same room without risking him
killing him?
“Death, I can fix,” he adds. “Erasure, too, barring any complications. If I
make you a vegetable, Neku, I can’t do anything about that, and that will never
be an acceptable risk.”
“Good to know you’ve got my safety in mind,” Neku grumbles, and Joshua
flinches. “I thought you made sure you wouldn’t accidentally erase me.”
“Barring extreme circumstances, yes,” he says. “You’re resistant enough I know
when I need to leave, and you can tolerate almost anything I can’t anticipate.
I won’t erase you by accident, Neku, but willful negligence is still a factor.”
He inhales deeply and rubs Joshua’s back, and is unsurprised when Joshua looks
up at him hopefully. Neku understands, or is trying to, but he remembers Joshua
entwining his psyche around his own that time on Pork City and he wants that so
badly. “You did what you had to do,” he forces out, and Joshua hugs him again.
“I forgive you.”
“That was very nice,” Joshua murmurs in his ear, his hair brushing against
Neku’s neck softly. “It would have been better if you were with me, but your
soul shines so brightly, dear Neku, and We love you for it.”
“Are you going to run if I do it again?” he has to ask, and he feels him nod.
Figures. “Can you do that while staying out of my head?” he tries.
Joshua ruffles his feathers noisily, though Neku can’t feel where he’s got
them. “How do you propose I do that?” he grumbles, and Neku rolls his eyes as
Joshua calms himself. “No, Neku, not unless I plan on taking no pleasure from
it,” he says with a sigh, and Neku expected as much. “I’m not a physical being;
I have different needs.”
“And I need to not feel like you just dumped me, so I think we’ve both got
problems!” he snaps, and Joshua stiffens. “Sorry, I just –”
“You felt abandoned,” he says, and Neku nods as Joshua offers him a memory and
he accepts. Joshua isn’t sending it the way he experienced it, but Neku
wouldn’t have understood it otherwise and –
     Shibuya’s so much older than its composer, and it’s the City who
     makes the decisions, but They both love the young conductor and every
     little bit of incentive helps. If the conductor wants to send the
     composer into the throes of ecstasy, Shibuya will oblige, the better
     to cement their relationship, and Joshua knows it, wants it. Neku is
     Neku is Neku and neither of Them want to risk him ever leaving for
     another district, even as Joshua hazily recalls some reason Neku
     isn’t quite Theirs yet. A temporary affair, Shibuya knows, and They
     love Neku and Neku loves Shibuya, so what can go wrong?
     Nothing, Joshua promises, nothing will, not if he can help it, and he
     tastes at the effects of his Imagination on Neku’s soul as Shibuya
     entwines them, and Joshua wants nothing more than the approval of
     Neku – Shibuya – Neku – he doesn’t know and it doesn’t matter; the
     conductor is as much the district’s as the composer and Neku is/will-
     be the conductor. Shibuya’ll sync them together and leave them both
     happy, but Joshua interjects and the City doesn’t understand.
     Neku is Shibuya’s; he was born in Shibuya, he was raised in Shibuya,
     he was chosen by Shibuya’s own composer, and the idea that They
     shouldn’t claim him as such is preposterous. He’s never leaving for
     long – They know that and even he knows that – so why does it matter?
     It doesn’t, Shibuya decides, but Joshua pulls himself up past Neku’s
     perceptions and basks in the echoes of their souls.
     They made such a good choice, and They both want Their conductor to
     feel good; why should he not feel good? He’s doing so well by Them,
     but Joshua cuts off his contact suddenly and pulls himself up to
     Their level, calling Their producer to him to keep from crashing, and
     Shibuya approves, even if it doesn’t understand. Neku shouldn’t need
     a reaper’s safeguards – Neku is Theirs – but They can cement his bond
     with the composer afterwards, and this is only a temporary state of
     affairs, after all.
     Shibuya might have a human conductor, but They won’t leave it like
     that if They can avoid it. Not forever.
Neku’s still as that tries to sink in, and he feels Joshua tense in his arms,
expecting him to freak.
He’s not human. Joshua is really seriously not human, and Neku’s freaking out,
actually, even as he tries to keep himself from getting mad at Joshua. Joshua’s
trusting him; he knows Joshua’s trusting him and that Joshua wouldn’t be
letting him know some of what goes on in his head if he didn’t think Neku might
be able to deal with it, but really? Neku is not sure he can deal with this.
“You,” he starts, and stops. What the fuck is he supposed to say to that?
“Me,” Joshua agrees, and Neku’s having trouble breathing right now and his
heart’s racing and Shibuya does not give a single shit about him or what he
wants, does it, past what he can do for Joshua and Shibuya and he really
seriously doesn’t know what to do with this right now, but he’d like some help,
Josh, like, actually, any time now –
He feels the pressure on his chest lighten even as his body moves without his
input, Joshua regulating his breathing, but he tries to squeeze his eyes shut
and Joshua lets him. Neku’s not driving, but he’s not locked out, either, and
he feels his hand grab something cool and bring it to his mouth.
Water. Water is a good idea, and Joshua might be a bit clumsy with moving him,
but he doesn’t spill any and Neku’s grateful. After Joshua’s had him polish off
the glass, slowly enough to not get hiccups, he’s feeling a bit better and he
tries to give Joshua a mental nudge. Joshua leaves like he wasn’t even there,
and Neku opens his eyes to see him looking closed off as he sits on the other
side of the couch.
He didn’t do anything wrong this time, and Neku hesitantly reaches out for him.
Joshua snaps up, but doesn’t move any closer, and Neku’s not sure what he
expected. He’s probably never going to take the peace offering the first time
it’s there.
“Shibuya’s kind of awful,” Neku says, and a whole mess of emotions cross
Joshua’s face that Neku can’t read.
“Shibuya’s a city,” he says eventually. “Cities don’t think the way you do.”
“There’s a difference between not thinking like me and thinking I’m just some
kind of toy,” he states, and Joshua winces. “Do my opinions even matter at
all?”
“Everything matters,” Joshua says, but that’s not really an answer. They
matter, but they might not change anything, either. “Shibuya trusts me to add
the human element to Our consciousness, Neku; We won’t mould you to Our needs
because I won’t allow it.”
Joshua’s the one with ethics. Neku can’t help it: he starts laughing and he’s
not really sure how to stop, or why his face is wet. This is so fucked up, and
he understands why Joshua fled, now. What he doesn’t get is why Joshua isn’t
fleeing all the time, because if that’s how Shibuya thinks … Neku couldn’t
stand it, can’t even imagine standing it.
“Shibuya wants me to be happy,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku glances up. Joshua’s
keeping his distance, but his hand’s on the couch and Neku sets his own over
his and Joshua smiles weakly. “It doesn’t understand ethics, or why I prefer
you to Megumi, when he’d’ve done anything for Our approval, but it does know I
like you as you are, and We’d never rewrite you without your permission. We may
not like – a great deal of things, but We’ll wait as long as We need to keep
from breaking you to Our will. I don’t want to hurt you, Neku.”
But Shibuya would, if it thought it was worth it, and – Joshua’s never quite
joking when he says he’d like to kill him, is he. Maybe that’s not what Joshua
wants, but Shibuya wants Neku dead and sworn to their service and damn the
consequences, and that’s –
“Thank you for reviving me,” Neku says suddenly, and Joshua averts his eyes.
“Shibuya must not have –”
“Please don’t,” he says tiredly. “Shibuya and I aren’t the same entity, but I
don’t know where one of Us ends and the other begins, Neku. We did what We
needed to do.” And he’s still angry about it.
Neku shuts his mouth. He trusts Joshua, but … this could go very badly.
“Your friends will be off work soon,” he adds. “Why don’t you clean up and I’ll
send you to the surface, Neku.”
He’s expecting Neku to ditch him, and honestly that wouldn’t be a bad idea.
Neku doesn’t want to, though; they might both need some space, but Neku likes
him and Joshua’s the same person he was before he shared that imprint. “I’ll
preen you when I get back,” he promises, and Joshua chuckles. “I mean it, J.”
“I believe you,” he says, and Neku watches him fade out.
Chapter End Notes
     Food kink ...!
     I played Undertale last weekend! It was good.
***** Chapter 30 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
He’s already pretty clean, but he washes off some of the sweat from his panic
attack anyway and that helps. Pity Joshua’s avoiding him again, but at least
Neku doesn’t think they’re fighting. Hard to tell, though.
They aren’t the same type of being. It isn’t new information, but it’s still
terrifying and he can see why Shiki and Beat aren’t comfortable being at the
periphery of that. Neku knows and trusts Joshua: he has some assurance he won’t
do anything to him that his friends seriously don’t have, and there’s nothing
he can do to bridge that gap.
Of course it’s hard for them to remember he’s the composer: the composer is
terrifying and so, so dangerous. He could ask Joshua what they know of him and
see how he can frame it all so they won’t worry about Neku’s reaper boyfriend
quite so much, if he wanted.
He’s thinking about Joshua invading their minds. What the fuck is wrong with
him? That’s so far past lying to his friends he can’t even – what is he doing?
God, he’s so fucked up.
He pulls out his phone, grateful that the conductor upgrade means he doesn’t
need to charge it though he sure as hell isn’t going to trust that, and sends
Joshua a quick text. Does shibuya fuck with my head too? he types nervously,
and he doesn’t know what response he wants.
Your mind is your own, but yes, you're in tune with what your district wants.
You're within Shibuya's influence, but not subject to its will.
So that’s … a yes? Probably? Neku wishes Joshua’d give him a straight answer,
but he probably doesn’t know for sure, either.
Neku’s fucked up, but Shibuya sure ain’t helping. That’s how it is, and fuck,
that’ll be so much worse when he’s a reaper. If he even becomes a reaper again,
and even the prospect is terrifying.
Murder is one thing, and the reapers more cull the weak and send them on their
journey than actually kill people, but sharing his head with the district’s
alien intelligence is something else altogether.
I'm not asking you to Compose, Neku, Joshua adds in another text. You'll still
be able to disobey your district as you please, so long as you don't actively
work against the greater good.
Yeah, but Joshua can’t go too far against his district, and that’s not what
Neku thought he was signing up for. He sends Beat and Shiki a message asking
them if they’d want to hang out, then checks himself in the mirror and heads
back to the couch.
“Josh?” he calls. “Can you come down for a minute? I feel like we left that on
the wrong foot.”
“I suppose,” he says, rematerialising, and Neku lights up. “What did you want,
Neku?”
“Just to pet you until I need to go,” he says easily, and Joshua looks at him
strangely. “Look, I know you weren’t trying to upset me, and thank you for
telling me, even if I don’t like it and you’re right that I should head out for
a while. But I don’t want to leave it so fucking Hanekoma is the last person
you cuddled when we could both use it.”
He nods faintly, then lifts him onto the couch so Joshua can curl up on his
lap, and Neku runs his hands along his back, conscious of him keeping his wings
away. “Sanae knew you were the one I wanted there,” he murmurs, and it’s a bit
of weight off Neku’s chest.
“I thought so,” he says, and he hums and taps a beat out as Joshua’s wings
reform under his fingers and Joshua squeaks. “I’m not angry with you, Josh.”
His feathers are so soft, and Neku buries his fingers in the coverts as Joshua
tries to formulate a sentence. “Shibuya – aaah! – wants you to be happy, too,
Neku,” he says, and Neku presses his lips together. “We want you with wings so
you can feel even better than We feel right now, you know, and ….”
Neku kisses the top of his head and Joshua flails, though he seems happy about
it. “I like you even without that,” he promises, and Joshua shudders. “You
don’t need to bribe me.”
“Can’t hurt to have the incentive,” he says under his breath, and Neku pulls on
one wing to see all the feathers as Joshua screws his eyes shut. It’s okay,
Josh, Neku’s not going to hurt you, but that doesn’t keep him from shaking as
Neku examines the feathers and checks for any damage.
He seems okay, but Neku wipes off a few flakes of orange dust and Joshua moans,
so some good’s coming from checking. “What’s the deal with your Noise, anyway?”
“The city is the composer and the composer is the city,” Joshua murmurs, barely
audible, and he holds himself still as Neku pets him. “Reapers don’t collect
Noise, but Shibuya can and so I can as well. That’s all.”
Sounds like a shit deal to Neku, but at least he likes being checked. Leaning
back, he lets himself doze off a little as he keeps scritching Joshua, and
Joshua sighs in contentment.
Shibuya’s fucking terrifying and Neku’s still not happy about it, but Joshua
tries to be a decent sort and he trusts him. He’s dangerous, but not unsafe,
like a sharp knife or a loaded gun, Neku figures, but Joshua huffs and Neku
flicks his shoulder.
“Keeping a gun loaded is bad gun safety,” Joshua complains, his feathers
fluffing up. “You’ll get your pay docked if I ever find out about you doing
that.”
Oh, fuck off, it’s not like Neku’s ever needed to know. “I’m going to get
paid?”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
Maybe because Neku’s his boyfriend? Joshua is going to stick him with a job,
though, so maybe it makes sense for him to get paid. So long as Josh doesn’t
threaten to dock it for anything a reaper could get away with, anyway. Joshua
giggles and Neku swats him lightly, basically just tapping his wings, and the
guy looks up at him so wide-eyed and innocent that Neku takes pity on him and
pets him. Damn puppy eyes.
After a bit, he hears his phone buzz and Joshua conjures it to Neku’s hands,
which is a neat trick. Want 2 meet in 1hr? Shiki types, and yes, yes, he does.
“Do you think she’ll forgive me?” he says out loud, already typing a response,
and Joshua shrugs.
“She won’t like your current plans,” he says mildly, and Neku bristles.
“I don’t have to tell her,” he states, and it’s true. She won’t forgive him if
he doesn’t, and he doesn’t think he could keep up the deception for long, but
he can at least not end it on this note.
Make up with her only to let it fade in better circumstances. That seems
ruthless, but it also seems like his best option, and Joshua sighs. “I don’t
have much advice, I’m afraid. You can keep her happy, or you can keep her
trust; she won’t like this you, but it may be worth it to tell her what you
can.”
“But what can I tell her?” he says plaintively, and he stops stroking Joshua so
he can think properly. Joshua hums for a moment, putting his words in order,
and Neku has the distinct impression Joshua’s already thought about this and
simply didn’t know if his advice was wanted.
“Your reaper boyfriend insisted you request a resurrection from the composer;
the composer granted it, with the understanding you’d consider a Game job at a
later date,” he says confidently, and Neku senses him imprinting it so he’ll
remember it precisely. “You have reservations and aren’t certain you’ll take
it, but you’re in line for an administrative position and you think you could
do a lot of good. Your boyfriend wants you as a coworker but wants you happy
more than that, and the composer simply wants more Shibuya artists, so neither
wish to impede your life outside the Game. Bring up that time you had to
reconcile those two friends; finding cases like that will be one of your
primary duties, and you’re expected to have minimal contact with Players.”
Is … all of that true? He goes over that in his head, and yeah, none of that’s
a lie. It’s not the truth, either, but none of it’s lying and it sounds okay.
“I’m going to need you to write that down,” he says, “but thanks. I think that
– I think that could help a lot. And I still won’t tell her I’m going to take
my wings back up next break, but if I – yeah. Thanks a lot, Josh, that could
work.”
Joshua chuckles, and Neku for once feels comparatively young. “I’m the
composer, Neku; this is one of my jobs,” he says, and yet he can’t get along
with other people to save his life. The advice still sounds good, though, and
Neku lays a kiss on the back of his neck as Joshua flaps up against his chest,
nearly knocking the wind out of him.
“And I’m glad for it,” Neku says firmly, kissing him again and this time
letting himself suck along Joshua’s spine as he moans in pleasure, wings firmly
pressed against and through Neku’s body, and even knowing they both have
somewhere else they need to be isn’t enough to stop him from teasing at
Joshua’s neck with his teeth.
It’s not really Neku’s fetish, but it’s definitely Joshua’s, and Neku feels the
composer and city subtly encouraging him to continue even as Joshua groans and
vanishes. “I’ll see you later, Neku,” he says firmly, and Neku looks up to see
him gazing down from behind him. “I won’t be going anywhere.”
Joshua can wait a lot longer than Shiki can. They can both wait, even if Joshua
brings out most of Neku’s thoughtless lust. “See you,” he says, and he blacks
out for a moment as Joshua relocates him.
How teleportation keeps getting more unpleasant, he has no idea, but he looks
around and realizes he’s by Molco. Right next to the phone booth of love,
actually, and he flushes as he finds somewhere else to be.
At least it wasn’t the fucking Scramble Crossing this time, he thinks darkly.
Joshua is way too comfortable with dropping him there without warning. The
lucky phone booth is merely embarrassing, and Neku has no idea how anyone
actually manages to convince themselves to use it. Are they really that
desperate?
Unbidden, he remembers Def Märch, and yes, yes they are. Oh, fuck, he hopes
they don’t find out about his death and resurrection: they shouldn’t have it
rubbed in their faces that his whims are more important than their retirements.
Presumably it’s not dire for them, while Neku was going to drive Joshua to an
early grave, but that’s still seriously not fair. Even if they like their jobs.
It's not the same, Joshua sends him, and Neku stares in consternation at the
phone screen. I sealed your wings and locked you to the RG, rather than fully
resurrect you. Def Märch intends on being fully alive. There aren't many
significant differences, but taking care of you was much cheaper than handling
them will be.
Im sure theyll be convinced, Neku types back, mentally shooing him off. Doesn’t
he have work to do? He should do that rather than pay attention to whatever
Neku’s thinking about.
Joshua sighs and Neku feels him withdraw, and fuck but does it feel lonely in
his head without him. More to the point, without the faint awareness of
everyone around him and the city itself.
It’s so quiet. Neku doesn’t like it. He keeps startling every time someone
passes by him from behind, and even if he’s subtle about it, it’s weird to not
know exactly where everyone near him is. At least when he was taking the train,
he could uptune again the moment he crossed UGs.
Well, it’ll be a while before he can do that again, and he finds a decent café
to marinate in his misery as he waits for Shiki. He wasn’t even dead that long,
but that was still enough to feel like he’s got his headphones buzzing in his
ears and keeping him from hearing properly, and he finds himself actually
watching his step, instead of naturally knowing exactly where he is.
No wonder Joshua wanted him with wings. City-sense is nice, whenever he wasn’t
… scanning and nearly imprinting his friends. Fuck. Right, that’s the downside,
and a hell of a downside that was.
He can have the city in his head, or he can be safe around his friends. Those
are his options, and that he keeps leaning towards the former is … what kind of
person is he, to like that convenience over knowing he can’t accidentally mind
control anyone? He’s so fucking selfish sometimes; at least this way, he can’t
try feeding anyone to dragon noise. No one deserves that.
“Hello, Neku,” Shiki says, and he jerks up.
“Hey!” he says, scrambling up as he slides her chair out for her, and they both
sit down. “Sorry, I didn’t see you come in.”
“I just got here,” she assures him, but it’s fucking unsettling to not know
who’s where near him. “So, you’re alive again?”
“Yeah, Josh thought I was moving too fast and the composer revived me,” he says
quickly, and she glances down. “Hey, Shiki?”
But she looks up again, bright and determined, and he knows then that he can’t
keep this up. It’s not fair to either of them. “Yeah?”
“I’m not going to leave the UG alone,” he states, and it sucks, but it’s true.
“It’s dangerous, and some of this stuff can be dangerous for the people around
me, but I can do a lot of good and I want to try. Josh wants me to try, too,
and he’s been keeping an eye out to make sure I don’t go too far.”
She’s not happy, but then, she wouldn’t be, would she. “I don’t suppose there’s
any point in reminding you he’s killed you, is there?” she says rhetorically,
and he shakes his head. “Well. You can make your own decisions.”
“I can,” he agrees, “and I know it’s not what you wanted, and it’s not what
Beat wanted either. I don’t – I don’t expect you to stick by me after this; I
know I’ve been shitty to both of you and I know this seems really weird, but
I’m alive again and it sucks.”
“Neku,” she says, and then she’s sitting next to him and he’s shaking.
“I couldn’t stop scanning you,” he admits. “I didn’t listen to most of it – you
remember how it was, with everyone blending in together in the background
unless you tried – but I scanned you and I scanned Beat and I know it was
wrong, but it feels nice to hear bits of your Music and know – that’s Shiki.
She’s smart, and skilled, and determined, and I can always trust her to do the
right thing, and you’re really good, you know? You’re incredible, and I’ve been
….”
“You’ve been going through a lot,” she says quietly, and he knows then that
even if she’d made her mind up, she’d forgive him again. And that’s not –
He takes a deep breath. “I’m going to become a reaper again,” he says, and she
bites her lip. “I know there’s so much else I could do with my life, but I’m
good at this and Joshua needs my help. I’m not going to stop being – a lot of
the stuff I’m going to do is going to fucking suck, even if I’m only an
administrator, and I don’t think you’re going to want to hear about it. If
there is ever something you want my help with, somebody causing problems at
work and needing a few suggestions to push them in the right direction or
anything, you let me know, okay?”
And she’s still quiet, not sure what to say because what can you say to that –
he might as well be joining the yakuza for all she cares – but she nods slowly
and he’s so happy she was his friend. “I hope I don’t need it,” she says, and
she’s laughing a little, “but thanks for the offer, anyway. You know you can
count on me, too, right?”
Yeah, but …. “Oh,” he says suddenly. “I asked the composer, and if anything
happens, you’re exempt from the Game by default,” he says, and she jerks up
with evident relief. He might not be supposed to share that, but he wouldn’t be
surprised if she’s been scared ever since she got out, and he’s got something
he can offer, too: “It’s only a victors thing, so Eri isn’t, but if anything
ever happens and you want somebody to be looked after, I can check in for you.”
Quick thinking as she absorbs that, and it occurs to him again just how much
power he has, with the Shibuya composer following his wishes. “I’ll keep that
in mind,” she says finally, and he flushes. “Is that all you wanted to meet
for?” she adds, a bit awkward, and he shrugs.
“I don’t think we have that much in common anymore,” he admits, and he feels
better having it out in the open like that. “We’re both a lot busier than we
were, and I’m – going to be involved in more UG stuff, I guess, so we don’t ….”
She was his first real friend in a long time, and he knows he’s important to
her, too, but he knows she sees the truth in that and he made the right
decision in telling her. She takes off her glasses to clean them, and he’s kind
of jealous of the good excuse to do something with her hands. “Even if we’re
not going to be close like we used to,” she says slowly, “we can still hang out
sometimes, you know.”
… really? “You aren’t mad?” he says blankly, and she quirks her brow.
“Neku, I am furious!” she snaps, but she rubs her face and sips her drink and
he can breathe again, really. “I can’t believe you! You kept lying about
everything and telling us it’s all fine like we’re your babysitters! Either
tell us what’s wrong or trust us not to pry when you didn’t want to talk about
it! We’re your friends, Neku: it’s not our job to keep you from doing what you
want to even if we don’t like it!”
She cares about you, Joshua says, and Neku stiffens, though whether it’s from
her outburst or Joshua’s commentary is anyone’s guess. “I don’t think you’re my
babysitter,” he says slowly, and she rolls her eyes.
“Well, we definitely aren’t your parents!” Neku recoils at that, and she sighs.
“Sorry, that was ….”
“My parents are shit,” Neku replies, and it’s a weight off his chest to admit
it. He knows he ought to respect them, but … he’s happier alone, and he’ll work
something out eventually. “I think I get what you mean, though.” He might have
a bit of a problem with authority. He can tell that much.
And Shiki shakes her head, rubbing at her temples in frustration. “I kept
feeling like I had to check on you, Neku, and it sucked,” she admits. “I still
feel a bit like that – I don’t think it’s a good idea to become a reaper, you
know – but at least you’re talking to me now, and do you know how scary that
was? Not knowing how deep in you were?”
His face falls. “I didn’t want to worry you,” he says defensively, but that’s
an excuse and he knows it. “I’m sorry,” he adds, and he closes his mouth before
he can dig himself deeper.
She doesn’t press the issue, though, and he’s grateful: they both know he’d
just made her worry more. Instead, she asks him a bit about his plans – his
school plans, that is – and they vent a bit about their respective work
schedules.
It’s not great, and he’d be lying if he tried to tell himself they’re okay now,
but it’s progress. He won’t feel too bad if he lets the friendship go; it
sucks, but he’s made some of it as right as he can, and he’d hardly be the
first person to lose touch with his friends from high school.
It’ll be okay whatever happens, and it’s that more than whatever they chat
about that has him leave the conversation with a smile on his face.
Now he just has to make up with Beat, and he’ll be … he’ll be free to do
whatever he wants without regrets.
===============================================================================
He leaves that for another day, though, instead making his way back to Joshua’s
place like a zombie, and rinsing off before collapsing onto his new bed.
Talking to Shiki took more out of him than he thought it did, and right now all
he wants to do is relax.
Suspiciously, he rolls over and checks the sheets. Oh, good, these are plain
and blue, and there’s a note next to his pillow.
     These are for you, but you might want to pick up a second set just in
     case. I only needed to ensure Coco won’t shoot either of us in our
     sleep.
Heh.
He really does have a place here, doesn’t he, and even knowing how much shit
Joshua’s done doesn’t knock the grin off his face. It’s good to feel wanted,
and Joshua’s providing him with a quiet room of his own, away from all his
worldly concerns. Just him, Joshua, and his art. It’s addictive, and he
understands with a sigh why Joshua won’t let him stay here, no matter how
depressed he gets.
It’s not real, or not real enough. Joshua’s work matters, but university does,
too, and Neku resolves to learn more people’s names. Maybe he does still get
more than a bit hidebound, given the chance, and Joshua makes it so easy.
A knock on the door, and Neku sits up. “Come in!” he calls, uncomfortable
claiming this room as his own, no matter that it is, now, and Joshua opens the
door, both his hands occupied with a tea service.
“I’m proud of you,” he says briskly, conjuring a chair and table to sit near
him. “Coming clean to those who’ll be disappointed in you is no small feat, and
you did well in it.”
“I should’ve done it earlier,” he says back, and even if it’s true, Joshua
makes no move to agree, instead pouring them both cups. They sit in awkward
silence for a moment, before Joshua sips his cup and urges Neku to do the same,
and … it is what it is.
“You should rest up,” Joshua says suddenly, no matter that Neku’s been resting.
“I would appreciate it if you talked to Mr H when you have the time; he
worries, you know.”
What does Neku care? The man’s a nasty piece of work, no matter that Joshua
likes him, and Neku half-expects Joshua to extricate himself from his spot at
the edge of Neku’s consciousness, but he doesn’t. “I don’t have anything to say
to him,” Neku says firmly, but Joshua closes his eyes and something about his
benevolent smile gives Neku the heebie-jeebies.
“He isn’t a monster, you know,” Joshua says, and Neku nearly thinks something
he’ll regret. Joshua doesn’t care, though, and continues: “He isn’t human and
his sort aren’t built for human relationships. That doesn’t make him loathsome,
merely – trustworthy to a point.”
Not unlike Joshua himself, but at least Neku knows what long game he’s playing.
He thinks he does, anyway; he has to know, or else he’s making as big of a
mistake as his other friends think. “What point is that?” he says warily, and
Joshua chuckles.
“Shibuya,” and isn’t that always the answer. Neku furrows his brow at that, but
Joshua gestures broadly, not done talking. “Most angels are retired composers,
Neku,” he explains. “Sanae can no more act against his district than I can, but
I still have some natural understanding of individuality. Angels don’t, from
what I understand; all people are equally important, and so they’re all equally
dispensable. Usually, they’re simply a reliable neutral party.”
“Mr H isn’t neutral,” he says, not willing to examine most of that, and Joshua
sips his tea.
“He isn’t,” Joshua agrees. “He’s much too devoted to me for his own good.
That’s why the Higher Plane doesn’t like him, you know: he created Taboo Noise
to prove a point to me. … He’s a good friend.”
And Joshua seems to believe it, is the thing. “He tried to kill you,” he
states, looking away and at that mural. Shibuya, and all it stands for; it’s
beautiful, but right now Neku wishes it were anything else. “He hurt a lot of
people, all because –”
“Because I betrayed him,” Joshua says simply. “He felt I wasn’t trusting my
partner in ignoring his opinion, and so he betrayed me, too. It wasn’t right,
but he’s already being punished, Neku: let it go.”
How is Neku supposed to let it go when – his stomach flips, uncomfortably aware
of how Shiki has to feel about Joshua. “I know you think you know the guy,” he
says, feeling it out as he goes, “but he’s hurt me pretty badly, too, in his
attempts to get something through to you. I don’t trust him.”
“You don’t have to.” He sips his tea and stands up, glancing towards the door.
“Respect that I do, however, and treat him as best as you are able.”
Fuck that, is Neku’s first thought, and again as he lets that sink in. Neku
doesn’t want to just – to just ignore that Hanekoma’s done a lot of shit, but
he wouldn’t be ignoring it, would he. He’s just making nice for Joshua’s sake,
so he’ll be there if Hanekoma pulls anything. “… Right,” he says, and Joshua
inclines his head.
“Don’t be surprised if he’s over for breakfast tomorrow, then,” he says, and
Neku jerks. Fuck, he didn’t want – “I’d like for you two to clear the air, as
much as you’re willing. I don’t expect you to like him after that, but he has
no intentions to harm either of us and your living friends are utterly safe
from his machinations. He’s not a monster, you know.”
Doesn’t mean Neku likes the idea any more, though. “Okay,” he says, a bit
begrudging, and Joshua smiles, not mocking but it sure feels like it. “Will you
warn me first?”
“Of course.” He gets up to leave, then, and Neku doesn’t know if he wants him
out or if he wants to make Joshua knows Neku’s more important. It isn’t a good
thought, Neku knows, but he’s not going to force the issue and right now he
cares more about assuaging his insecurities than thinking the ‘right’ thing.
Joshua says nothing, though, merely pausing at the door to look at him, and
it’s up to Neku to say it: “Hey, you mind staying with me?”
“I have work to do,” Joshua says, but he comes back anyway, flopping down onto
the small bed and taking up all the space. “I can’t devote you my full
attention right now, I’m afraid.”
“Do you ever?” he says rhetorically, and he twines his fingers in Joshua’s
hair. “I talked to Shiki,” he adds, and Joshua slides up, letting Neku have
most of his bed back. “I think it went okay.”
“‘m proud of you,” he mumbles, and Neku snaps to look at him. His face is
pained, and Neku worries what he’s done wrong, before Joshua’s forehead clears
and he cracks his eyes open. “Difficult tangle,” he explains. “You did well,
Neku. I’m simply often not fit for company.”
Is he ever? Neku doesn’t say that, though, since he doesn’t want Joshua to take
it the wrong way, but Joshua sighs regardless and Neku massages his scalp,
amused as Joshua pushes into it comfortably. “What are you doing?” Neku asks,
vaguely curious.
“Composing, of course,” he says, and Neku flicks his forehead. “I was trying to
avert a car accident, actually, or at least minimize damage; it’s hard for me
to force anything life-changing. Your trash is easy – you’d throw it away on
your own, so I can simply make that have already happened – but when there are
actual consequences ….”
“Shit, are they okay?” he blurts out, realizing only afterward that Joshua’s
seen dozens of these, doesn’t think they’re remarkable.
And Joshua chuckles, stretching languidly. “It’s good that you care,” he says,
“but regardless of the answer, there’s nothing you can do about it and it’s a
common enough occurrence both ways. Does it benefit you to know whether this
time, I could alter someone’s fate?”
“I like knowing,” he says honestly. “You don’t have to tell me, though.”
“Good,” he says with evident satisfaction, and Neku scowls. Even knowing he’s
not a bad person doesn’t make his callousness any more palatable – “To be
honest, I have no idea. I can weight possible futures in my favor, but I still
don’t know until it happens.”
So someone may or may not die, regardless of Joshua’s actions. Great. He pulls
his knees to his chest, uncomfortable in a way he’d rather not be, and even
knowing Joshua is trying to help them doesn’t make Neku feel less responsible.
“How do you stand it?” Neku can’t picture it, can’t picture knowing all these
lives are on his shoulders, and he’s going to be the conductor someday. It’ll
be his job to direct the reapers, and that means … people will die. They’ll die
no matter what, but ….
“I don’t really care,” Joshua murmurs, and Neku snaps up. “You may have
realized. Individual people – they’re interesting enough, I suppose, but even
when they’ve been Shibuya’s their whole life, it doesn’t matter to me when
they’re erased. It’s simply what happens.”
It’s not a surprise to him, but he looks up at the ceiling and lets out a long
sigh regardless. Wish he had the skylight over his bed, instead of over where
the previous occupant had his desk, and it occurs to him that he could ask, if
he wanted. This is his room now, and he has some nasty shoes to fill. “I don’t
want to stop caring,” he says, and Joshua hums acknowledgement. “I worked so
hard to get to this point, and I’m – I won’t give it up.”
“Good,” Joshua states, and Neku smiles at him. “You balance me, as you are now,
and I don’t want to lose that, Neku. Can you trust me, even knowing I’ve no
intention of sharing any of the gritty details of this life with you?”
He already does. “You answer questions now, so we’re already better off than
we’d been,” he says, and Joshua furrows his brow. “Yes, you stubborn nitwit; of
course I trust you.”
“All I needed to know,” he murmurs, and he slides close to Neku, his sharp
angles blending seamlessly next to Neku’s larger figure, and Neku can relax,
too. He hates feeling lied to, but Joshua doesn’t want to lie; he just doesn’t
want Neku to harden himself again, and Neku can respect that.
He feels Joshua’s hands ghosting up his sides without regard for fabric, and he
laughs, not so much tickled as relieved. Never any telling whether they can
talk without a fight, but they did this time, and Joshua’s content, too, no
matter what he’s been doing. Something involved, he suspects: Joshua stills and
fades, barely visible, and Neku groans at the sensation of touch where there
shouldn’t be anything. He jerks, glancing down, and Joshua’s fingers are going
through him, even as he’s absently careful not to hurt him.
“I hope you’re paying attention,” Neku says softly, and Joshua stiffens, his
hands back where they belong, and Neku’s almost disappointed. He doesn’t want
Joshua to go through him while distracted, but ….
“A bit risky,” he muses, “but I suppose ….” He trails off, his lips moving
silently, and Neku winces. “Making sure I don’t hurt you,” he explains.
Always better to not die, Neku thinks, and Joshua snorts. “It’s really weird
when you go through me like that,” he admits, “but it’s okay, Josh. Just
weird.”
“Even this?” he asks, and Neku holds his breath as Joshua plunges one hand into
his chest, no blood or pain or anything but a fundamental sense of wrongness as
Neku looks down and Joshua’s wrist is just left of center. “I could stop it,
you know.”
“Don’t,” he forces out, and Joshua pulls his hand back, a peculiar expression
on his face. Nothing hurts and he’s fine, though, so Neku breathes slowly to
get his chest to stop pounding and gives him a look, stern in a way that makes
Neku feel alive. “That was my heart, yeah? Show me.”
And Joshua’s eyes widen a bit, not expecting him to call his bluff, but he
sends the imprint anyway, sharp nails going into the strong muscle hard enough
to dent it, if Joshua’s control faltered, but he’s the composer and he’s
untouchable, has to be. Neku is breathing and beautiful and his heart pounds
with his own music, a natural rhythm adjusting to the tunes of life, and Joshua
can crush it with a thought.
“Do it again,” Neku orders, and Joshua nods, fascinated by this side of him.
“Yes, sir,” he says, mocking, and he sticks his finger through Neku, ever the
lecturer. “Your diaphragm, dear, and I should hope you know your lungs,” he
says, and from his imprints, he’s tracing the edges of each of them only Neku
can’t sense it, Joshua so careful to stay tuned above his presence and not his
sight. Hovering at the edge of the abyss, and in no way is this a good idea,
but Neku has him point out and label his liver, his kidneys, his … well.
“Your hand’s in my pants,” Neku says casually, and Joshua quirks a smile. “You
going to do anything about that?”
“Well, I could flick your tailbone,” he replies, and Neku sticks his tongue
out, as Joshua takes his hands back and fades down to solidity, his fingers
fumbling at Neku’s hemline as he pulls his shirt off, and Neku sits up enough
to wiggle his pants off.
Joshua’s no good at working real clothes, and Neku feels too much urgency to
wait for him. “This is my bed, yeah?” he says, mouth a bit dry, and Joshua
slides back slightly. “Let’s break it in.”
He stretches languidly over the bed, eyes partly closed in some vain attempt at
seduction. “If you insist,” he says, eyelids fluttering as he vanishes his
clothes and turns the lights off, and Neku looks to the skylight for guidance.
He’s such a fucking dweeb, but Neku turns back to him and Joshua’s beautiful,
lit up by Shibuya’s nightlife like this, and Neku’s grudgingly impressed.
He should’ve gotten a bigger bed, but this is good, too. Joshua is good, in his
own prissy douchey way, and even if this isn’t the best decision Neku has ever
made, he’s happy.
“How do you want me?” Joshua says, voice light, and Neku jerks out of his
thoughts. “You’ll be back at school soon, you know.”
And he’s not exactly going to get laid there, so he’d better take advantage of
it now. “You on top of me,” he decides, and he pictures it carefully so Joshua
can follow along. Neku watches in amusement as Joshua conjures some cushions
for Neku to recline against lazily, and Neku helps by scrambling up them. He
looks decadent, he knows, leaning back to survey his room and mural, and Neku
almost wishes he had a massive window for the full effect.
That could come later, he supposes, and Joshua clambers onto him, his buttocks
just barely brushing Neku’s cock with him sitting on him like this. Penetration
isn’t really Joshua’s thing, but he can still ride Neku, and he rests his hands
tantalizingly close to Neku’s ass. Neku feels himself breathing hard, even
without Joshua actually doing anything, but Joshua just gazes over Neku’s bare
chest and up to his face, and Neku swallows in anticipation. “If you could see
your face right now,” he says, trailing his chill fingers along Neku’s jaw,
“you’d know why I must be the luckiest composer around. That focus, like I’m
something to take apart, with that slight edge of hidden fear from you knowing
exactly who I am … you’re beautiful, Neku. I’d keep you, if I could.”
Neku’s no pet, though, and they both know it. Joshua’s fingers dig into Neku’s
sides and he pushes up, as much for show as to move into Joshua’s false weight,
and Joshua takes the chance to lean in and kiss him, his smile cold against
Neku’s lips. He can’t quite get enough to breathe, Joshua’s presence heavy in a
way he doesn’t understand, and Joshua’s fingers close on his neck as he
effortlessly guides Neku through inhaling.
This shouldn’t be sexy – choking is not Neku’s thing – but Joshua’s thumb
passes through his jaw to press on his tongue, and he shudders. “Josh,” he
says, almost as a warning, and the culprit runs his fingers over his waist.
“That’s too many hands.”
Joshua pulls back, his hands up like he couldn’t have done anything, but Neku
feels him grope his ass and push his hair back and he’s cheating, damn him.
Neku doesn’t actually mind, but it’s the principle of the thing, and feeling
Joshua’s delicate fingers caressing his shoulders as he returns to their kiss
is – good, actually, and Joshua thrums with approval.
Neku takes his real hands on his own, but that doesn’t stop Joshua from
claiming him all over, and he can spot territory marking when it’s happening to
him. “Remember I actually need to live elsewhere,” he warns shakily, and Joshua
gives him a slow blink.
“The UG’ll cope, but I want you ringing of Shibuya even outside my range,” he
says, and okay, that’s probably fine. “You can’t text me to show you remember,
after all.”
Right, anywhere else is unimaginably far for Joshua. He squeezes his hands as
he nods agreement, and the creeping weight of Joshua’s psi’d knock him flat if
he wasn’t already. It feels good, though, the pressure varying like he’s being
touched all over, and it’s overwhelming. Joshua guides his hands to Joshua’s
own waist and leans close, his ass pressing down on Neku’s cock, and it’s too
much.
Too much, too soon, and it all lightens up like it’d never been, Joshua
sheepish as he shrugs in apology. “Just having a bit of fun before I returned
your body to normal,” he explains.
“Returned?” Neku accuses, and Joshua should know better than to do shit to him
without asking! He pushes Joshua away, and the jerk just quirks an eyebrow like
it’s Neku’s fault.
“You wanted to fool around,” he says, petulant, “so I put you in stasis and
pulled your soul out. Slightly dead’s better than all dead, and you didn’t even
notice, did you? You’re alive again, by the by, but I was hardly going to risk
repeating that debacle.”
And he says it like it’s completely logical! It probably is, too, especially if
you’re him, but Neku can’t exactly say he wanted Joshua to risk killing him
while touching his organs, either. It makes sense, but he’s still an asshole,
and Neku pulls him back, shoving Joshua’s face to his chest and holding him
there. He needs some kind of punishment, after all, and a noogie while he can’t
see Neku’s face properly is as good as any.
“Ungrateful brat,” Joshua mutters, licking him, and Neku shudders without
letting him go. He’ll be as ungrateful as he pleases, thank you, and Joshua’ll
just have to deal.
“You have a job to do,” Neku says back, and Joshua hums as he passes through
Neku’s arms to sit back up.
“I do, don’t I,” he muses, and for a moment, Neku thinks he’ll leave. But the
moment passes and Joshua bucks back against Neku’s cock, making him jump, and
Joshua pulls him into an embrace. “Keeping you healthy and functional is one of
my jobs, conductor,” he says, running his fingers behind Neku’s ear, and augh,
cheating third hand grabbing his ass again. Show off.
Joshua snaps his fingers and Neku watches as he conjures a bottle of lube and
opens it, floating a glob each to Neku’s cock and Joshua’s ass all without
moving a muscle, and he snorts in disbelief. Lazy ass, he thinks, and Joshua
presses back against him with enough pressure he briefly wonders if Joshua’s
okaying anal after all. “No,” Joshua says, voice clipped. “Neku, that act does
very little for me, and you’ll accept that or enjoy your bed without me in it.”
“Okay, okay! Sheesh,” but that seems to have been good enough for him, and Neku
lets out a moan as Joshua’s now-slick hands caress his cock and – okay, he
should’ve expected the finger in his ass, but he cants up regardless, nearly
displacing Joshua. “I’m not gonna last long,” he warns, but Joshua just gives
him a look like it’s silly to expect him to care.
“It doesn’t matter; I don’t orgasm like you do.” He could be nicer about it,
but so long as he’s not disappointed, Neku supposes, and he watches in interest
as Joshua lifts himself up and moves back just enough for Neku’s cock to rub
against his own. Joshua takes them both in spectral hand, and Neku’s mouth goes
dry as Joshua works them, still riding him and having Neku rub against his sack
more than anything else.
Neku comes first, as he thought he would, Joshua pulling his thighs together to
help him through it, but he expects to feel them stickier and it doesn’t come.
“Did you want this?” Joshua drawls, having floated it through himself to show
Neku, and Neku laughs, shaking his head. “I thought not,” and he vanishes it,
pulling himself off Neku to look him over, satisfied.
“I want you to come, too,” Neku corrects, and Joshua shrugs, though he
definitely doesn’t object as Neku takes his cock in hand and pumps it, eyeing
it and the bed critically. They really should mark it to break it in properly,
and Neku finds himself mouthing come for me as Joshua rolls his eyes and does.
“Now there’s a wet spot,” he complains, and Joshua throws his arms up in the
air, turning like he’s going to leave.
“That was your idea!” he squawks. “I like things clean, and keeping all of your
weird bodily fluids away from where they might make a mess, but do I get
thanked for it? No! Why does this always –”
“Joshua,” Neku interrupts, trying not to laugh. “I was joking. Come back to
bed.”
He snorts, and for a moment Neku thinks he might actually have offended him.
“If you insist,” he snaps, and Neku’s still snickering as he climbs back on,
inelegant as he tries to spoon Neku, their heights as they are, but he takes a
deep inhale of Neku’s hair as he pushes himself close, and Neku thinks they
might both be content.
Even if Joshua is still sulking.
===============================================================================
Joshua’s gone by the time Neku wakes up again, which is no surprise. He doesn’t
stay the whole night even when it’s his own bed; him leaving Neku’s was a
given.
Neku notices, though, that he’d cleaned up the sheets and left a note this
time: Your room is protected against my own frequency, so I left once I was
sure I wouldn't wake you. Knock on my door if you need me.
Huh. So he actually left this time, rather than just invisible? It doesn’t make
a huge difference to Neku, but he shrugs anyway. At least he already knew he
wouldn’t be waking up tangled in him: that’s just not how Joshua rolls, even if
Neku prefers things that way. He can sleep in his own room, or he can have
Joshua downtune once he notices Neku’s awake, but … some things just won’t
happen.
He already knew this wouldn’t be a normal relationship, and he sighs and gets
ready for the day.
Chapter End Notes
     Soft guro, and, like, fluffy body horror? Or something?
     I finished writing the epilogue/mini-sequel today, so if you're just
     tracking this fic and not the whole series, maybe track the series,
     too? (Or my fic overall, but I'm a multifandom traitor when I don't
     have a Project to be working on.) It'll be a while before the actual
     next JoshNeku fic in this series is finished and I start posting
     that, but hey, there'll be 15k of Beat pov after this fic's complete
     to tide you over. :) Currently the next JoshNeku's at 16k and I have
     no clue what final wordcount'll be like, though I'm thinking of
     splitting it into two fics. We'll see!
***** Chapter 31 *****
He doesn’t bother picking out an outfit after his shower, and so it’s in his
pyjamas and house slippers that he walks into the lounge, eyes still sticky
from sleep. “Morning,” he mumbles, and Joshua grunts acknowledgement from the
couch.
Curious, Neku grabs some juice and checks on him, and fuck, is that every
magazine in Shibuya? Seems like, and Joshua looks half-asleep himself, buried
under the pile as he is. “I hate politics,” he grumbles, but it’s the long-
suffering sigh of someone who’s been following the news religiously, and Neku
laughs. “I need a real coffee and no moral quandaries for at least an hour.”
“Did the poor baby stay up too late?” Neku says, schadenfreude filling him with
more energy than he thought possible, but Joshua takes over his muscles enough
to march him to the kitchen, stiffer than Neku ever moves on his own.
“Your composer needs coffee,” Joshua calls. “Either you do it or I call in
Sanae, but I have needs, Neku, and right now they’re either coffee or
assassinations.”
“Somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning,” he replies, not
really that bothered, and at least the machine’s easy enough to use. “It’ll be
ready in a bit,” he adds, heading over to the couch himself, and Joshua
whimpers when Neku taps on one of his magazines and newspapers. “What’s up?”
A shrug, and Neku digs him out, pitying. “Oh, the usual: the tabloids keep
being wrong, the city council can’t be trusted to tie their own shoelaces, and
I need to discuss some of the Tokyo-wide plans with the other composers, and
they’re terrible,” he says, but complaining seems to have cheered him up.
Either that, or the coffee aroma pervading the room, and Neku pats him, not
really sympathetic. Joshua smiles at him anyway, though, and asks, “Did you
sleep all right?”
“Yeah,” he says easily, and he tries shoving some of the books and papers
aside. Joshua whistles sharply when he realizes, making sure Neku didn’t crease
any, and they all stack themselves on the table, letting Neku sit down. “You
could’ve warned me you can’t sleep in my room, though,” he adds, and Joshua
groans like Neku is the problem. “I don’t really care either way, but if
something’s an issue, you can tell me, you know.”
“I was content only waiting for you to sleep peacefully,” he replies, rubbing
his elbow, and the gesture looks somewhat odd on him. “You’re very loud when
you sleep, you know. – Oh, not physically, but living people have all sorts of
mental processes and I don’t think I’ll ever be used to the feel of yours.”
Joshua listens to him sleep? Neku isn’t really surprised, but it is weird to
think about, especially when he considers some of the dreams he’s had. “Do you
listen to the details?” he asks, more harshly than he intended. Neku’d never
been able to understand the few dreams he’d scanned, but Joshua has a lot more
skill, and the thought is uncomfortable in a way Neku doesn’t like.
“As ever, no, Neku,” he lilts, and Neku suspects he might be trying his
patience. “Dreams aren’t generally coherent enough for someone else to
understand with any accuracy, and I care much more that you can dream near me
than whatever you may dream about. Kindly give me the benefit of the doubt at
least a little, would you?”
“Sorry,” he says, though he doesn’t regret checking. Especially not when he
remembers himself how easy it is to dig deeper than he’d like.
But Joshua has slightly more experience and control than Neku does, and Joshua
chuckles. “I’ll finish the coffee,” he says suddenly, and Neku watches him
vanish and reappear in the kitchen. He keeps watching him with interest,
unsurprised when Joshua hums and pulls out some of the fruit Neku had bought
and daintily slices it up.
He takes the time to walk back, and if Neku had held a grudge about his earlier
demands, this would’ve earned his forgiveness. “Thanks,” Neku says, eyeing the
simple breakfast platter, and Joshua raises his eyebrows, taking his own coffee
in hand as he sits down next to him.
“There’s more coffee in the pot, and help yourself to that; there’s no point in
me eating it.” Neku gives him a look – it’s not like that’s stopped him before
– and Joshua crinkles his nose. “I’m a city composer, Neku; we don’t do fruit.”
Weird. “More for me,” he replies, and Joshua leans back, satisfied. They’re
quiet as they eat, Joshua going through the news with growing dismay, and Neku
tries to offer him a few pieces of melon to no avail. It’s not right to eat
when the host won’t, but Joshua waves him off, reminding him Neku’s got a place
of his own here.
Joshua could at least pretend to be normal, Neku thinks, and it bothers him
that he doesn’t always. It’s no surprise, but it finishes off what’s left of
his appetite once he’s done with the platter. “I’m going to go get dressed,” he
says, and Joshua glances up at him in acknowledgement. Neku doesn’t look at him
back, though, and scurries off to his room.
===============================================================================
It’d feel more like it is his room if he could head back into the lounge
without Joshua having already called Mr H over, though. For once, they’re not
talking about him where he can hear: they’re just quietly drinking their coffee
at the couch, and if Neku believes that, he’s got a bridge to buy.
Damn telepaths. “Morning, Neku,” Hanekoma says, friendly as ever, and Neku
forces out a greeting in response. Joshua in return gestures for Neku to join
him on the couch, and he might as well, he supposes.
Best to get this over with. “I think you got off on the wrong foot,” Joshua
says delicately, which is a bit of an understatement. “Neku, when I wanted you
to know some of the nature of our friendship, I hadn’t meant for you to see
Sanae as his worst, as it were. Do you mind if he explains what his job usually
consists of?”
“Sure,” Neku says back, “but he’s still a fraud who sells other people’s work
under his own label.” He expects to get some kind of rebuke for that – Joshua
and Hanekoma are close, even if it pains him to think of it – but Joshua only
exhales in what might be a laugh.
“I market some Players’ art, yeah,” Hanekoma acknowledges, “but the Misaki
chica got her cut eventually, didn’t she? Maybe it ain’t the cleanest way to do
it, but most Players don’t get up again, Phones: at least this way their life’s
work gets to live on.”
“Without their names on it,” Neku bites, and Joshua’s quiet, which is funny,
because if he thought anyone would have thoughts on art theft, it’d be the prim
and proper composer. But no, it’s down to Neku to say it. Figures.
“I say I found it, and I did,” Hanekoma says easily, and could he at least have
a trace of shame? “You think it’d be better if everyone’s art went off into the
aether just because they died and nobody knew what to do with it, Phones? Have
some perspective, why don’t you –”
“Sanae,” Joshua says quietly, and whatever Neku was going to snap back dies on
his tongue. “Neku, the Gatito label is partially under your control, as my
conductor. We can sort this out later in a way we’ll all be satisfied, and you
can even have the Players sign waivers if it would assuage your conscience.
Megumi liked this approach; if you want people to die in obscurity if they so
desire, we can do that, too. Debate ethics in your own time, thank you.”
It’s all related, though, Neku thinks, and Joshua squeezes Neku’s knee. It is,
but okay, maybe this isn’t the time. “Are you really going to die soon?” Neku
blurts out, and Hanekoma freezes. “Josh said you’re in trouble.”
Hanekoma swallows, and Neku sneaks his arm around Joshua’s waist, sure he could
use it. “Depends what you mean by soon,” he says eventually, and Neku has no
idea what to do with this. “I ain’t gonna be erased while Josh has use of me,
but past that? I’m not gonna plan my fifth centennial birthday party, that’s
for dang sure. But that’s not that big of a deal, and I don’t want you or Josh
worrying about it when I’ve already got longer than most folks ever do.”
Fuck, Mr H is old, Neku thinks, and he has no idea how to feel about this. “No
one’s immortal,” Joshua murmurs into his ear, but hearing that … Neku deeply
doesn’t want to care that some people want Hanekoma dead for good and have the
power to make it so, but he does. He really fucking does, and he doesn’t have
the faintest idea how any of these people take murder in stride.
The UG is so fucked up, and Mr H’s face softens. “You’re a good kid, Neku,” he
says, and Neku thinks he means it. “Most of us in the UG, things have already
gone to shit by the time any of us die by natural causes, so yeah, we don’t
care too much if somebody has to take us down. That’s a bit of perspective
you’re going to need if you become Josh’s conductor, but don’t you for a second
think it’s bad you’re soft on us, Phones. You’re gonna need both of that if
you’re going to be much good balancing him, but we’ll be with you every step of
the way.” Whether Neku likes it or not.
He doesn’t trust Hanekoma, and he doesn’t think he ever will again. Not like he
does with Joshua, or like Joshua does with Mr H, where they know they’ll do
whatever the hell they want if they have a good enough excuse for it. Even with
that, though, Neku thinks Joshua might really be a good person, or at least not
a bad one, while Hanekoma might not even be a person at all. “Am I just a tool
to you?” he says suddenly, and Joshua stiffens.
“Neku,” he says quietly, but Neku wants to hear what Hanekoma has to say for
himself. Does he even care about Neku at all? What about Joshua? Does Hanekoma
have a fucking scrap of concern for anyone other than himself? Neku remembers
what Joshua’d said last night, and it sure doesn’t seem like Joshua thinks so.
And Hanekoma’s looking at him, gaze penetrating over his sunglasses, and Neku
fucking knows the bastard’s reading his mind. “There are reasons the Producer’s
forbidden to reveal their existence to anyone,” he says finally. “I ain’t that
out of the ordinary for an Angel, though I’d like to think I do better than a
lot of those bureaucratic dipshits who think the music of the spheres gets
deducted on your taxes, but none of us are that normal by human standards and
we ain’t even particularly tolerable to reapers. We’re here for the composers
and that’s about it.”
“Sanae’s a good friend,” Joshua says softly. “No reaper understands the City,
Neku. Sanae does, and more.”
“Everything about our relationship is out of the ordinary, Phones,” he says
frankly, and Neku looks away. “Most conductors never learn about there being
anyone higher than composers, and they definitely don’t while they’re alive.
That ain’t because we’re shifty; that’s because we ain’t at all like you, and
just because we were once doesn’t mean we can fake it for long. We let the
composers know they can Compose without losing themselves, and we make sure
they keep the Game running. That’s what we’re here for.”
Sounds like a shit job to Neku, but it’s not his problem. Shibuya – the one in
Joshua’s head, he means, not the city, though he supposes that is the City –
was fucking terrifying, what little Neku’s heard of it, and that Hanekoma’s
like that even more than Joshua … it’s scary, and Neku doesn’t like it.
It’s not his job to like it, he reminds himself, and Joshua lights up in the
corner of his eye. “Truce?” Neku says, offering his hand, and Hanekoma takes
it.
“Truce.”
===============================================================================
The rest of Hanekoma’s visit is a bit of a blur, Joshua taking Hanekoma aside
to talk to him about coffee, and Neku lets himself relax on the couch. Hanekoma
doesn’t leave after that, though, settling back in to gossip about whatever
Joshua had read that morning, and there’s a weird sense of camaraderie about
it. He can get used to this, he thinks.
Joshua even does Neku the favor of turning aside at parts to explain some of
the context he’d missed, and it’s nice. Joshua and Hanekoma are old friends,
even older than Neku keeps assuming, but Neku’s invited to share in their
friendship, and Joshua can get downright chatty.
Neku sure wasn’t expecting them both to have deep and well-researched opinions
on Eiji Ouji, though maybe he should have. Joshua sure took him and his fanbase
very seriously back in the Game, and it’s funny to think that that’s actually
his job. Murder and cheesy local celebrities, though Neku has to admit the
Prince is a lot better of a person than he would have guessed, all those years
ago.
God, has it really been years? Neku’s the youngest one there by a huge margin
and even he’s starting to feel old now. They both tease him for that, and even
as he’s loathe to admit it, it’s rightfully deserved.
Eighteen isn’t old, not by anyone’s standards, and Neku can’t even drink yet.
He can give up his life to become a god, but he can’t drink. Even though he
lives with a massive bar. Life is weird.
“You don’t need to hang around if you don’t want to,” Joshua says eventually,
and Neku jerks up.
“I don’t mind.” He’ll have to get used to all of the gossip they’re talking
about, anyway. “It’s not like I have anything better to do.”
Hanekoma leans forward, a conspiratorial smile on his face, and Neku stiffens a
bit. “I got something,” he says. “You want to see my next mural?”
Neku’s got no idea how to answer that, all his old love for CAT resurfacing as
the fact CAT’s a liar and a fraud hits him all over again, and – Joshua rescues
him and he’s so, so grateful. “He’s confined to the RG, Sanae. People will
notice if you rope him into your projects.”
But Hanekoma merely stretches, totally nonchalant, and Neku kind of hates him.
“I’ve been putting up don’t notice me imprints since before you were born,
Josh. He can help me out in broad daylight if he wants.”
“A soul of Neku’s caliber won’t be hidden by anyone looking for CAT,” Joshua
snaps, and Neku’s spine runs cold. What? “I’ve got too much planned for him to
take up your mantle, Sanae, especially if you want him alone for it.”
“Hold up,” Neku says. “Say what now?”
“I ain’t doing anything,” Hanekoma says back, but Joshua rolls his eyes and
he’s not fooling anybody. “Your composer’s too suspicious for his own good,
Phones, and he’s got a bee in his frilly lace bonnet about me being anywhere
near his pet conductor. That’s all it is, and you shouldn’t pay him too much
attention.”
“Do you want this to be a fight?” Joshua says, voice clipped, and Neku watches
in fascination as they both stand up. “We can make this a fight.”
“I think you already did!”
“Guys?” Neku says, bemused. “Break it up.” Like he’s supposed to be the
peacekeeper here; Neku doesn’t even like the guy! But this is ridiculous and
they’re glaring at each other like they’re twelve, honestly, but they both
glance at Neku like they forgot he’s there and sheepishly sit back down.
Or Joshua’s sheepish, anyway; Hanekoma’s nonchalant as ever, and Joshua sends
him an image of a lion licking his paws. “That was uncalled for,” Joshua
admits, “though I note you didn’t deny it, Sanae.”
“I didn’t deny it because it would be fucking stupid,” he says, leaning back
and rubbing his forehead. “The hell do you think I am, picking the kid as my
successor without telling him about it? I got no reason, and you know that, J.”
“No,” Joshua admits, “no, that sounds more like me. I apologize.”
“Accepted,” he says, voice flat, and now that Neku’s sure they’re not going to
attack each other again, it’s his turn to be pissed.
“Are you done talking like I’m not even here?” he says, and neither of them
have the grace to look caught.
No, Joshua just looks at him mildly over his coffee cup. “Of course we
remembered you’re here, Neku,” he says. “If we didn’t, we’d’ve carried out our
fight on my natural frequency, and you’d not have heard a word of it. Would you
like to get a dig in on me as well, while we’re at it?”
Asshole, Neku thinks, and he’s sure Joshua feels like he was being perfectly
considerate, too, rather than the condescending bastard he actually is. “How
about you tell me what that was about,” he orders, and Joshua and Hanekoma look
at each other, united in amusement at Neku’s naiveté, which is just perfect.
“We were fighting,” Hanekoma says, keen observer of the obvious that he is.
“It was petty,” Joshua adds. “We do this constantly, however, and there’s no
need for you to worry; Sanae’s completely correct that there’s no advantage for
him to pass you off as CAT at this point in time, and it was rude of me to
accuse him so.”
“Though he’d’ve been right a few years ago in worse circumstances,” Hanekoma
admits, and Neku furrows his brow. “Not now, though, and probably not ever:
you’re gonna be too big to fit in my shadow.” The compliment – sheer statement
of fact – sticks in Neku’s mind and he nearly stops listening, though one of
them imprints the rest to keep him current. “I’d just meant to show you my
current project and let you help if you wanted, no strings. J worries too
much.”
Fuck. Neku knows he’d’ve killed for that, back before he knew anything, and he
might even mean that literally. CAT was his life, and turning that down would
be – Neku can’t accept it, but he can’t say no, either.
“Sanae,” Joshua says, voice soft but it carries, and Hanekoma stands up and
steps back, passing through the couch and leaving them both alone. “He doesn’t
know how to make amends,” he tells Neku, “and I don’t know how to trust him
anymore. I can keep him away from you, if you wish, but I’d wanted to see if
you two can get along. I hadn’t realized my own feelings, however: I don’t want
you alone with him, Neku.”
Neku’s not sure he wants to be alone with him, either, and Joshua gives him a
half-smile. “It’s okay,” he says, though it isn’t, and Joshua sends him a
suggestion as he pulls Joshua’s head into his lap to play with his hair.
He hums softly in pleasure, and Neku snorts: he’s so demanding, even if he
doesn’t want anything complicated. “None of us know what we’re doing,” he
admits, and Neku pushes Joshua’s hair out of his face. “You and I fight a lot,
Neku, but I’m always left with the impression we’re somewhere other than we
started each time. Sanae and I, though … we’ve too much history, I suppose, and
you’ll always be involved if you’re involved with me, do you realize? It won’t
blow over and I’ll always pick you over him, but I can’t – Sanae’s important to
me and we fight constantly, Neku, and it’s always vicious. I don’t want to
chase you off, but ….”
“You need to know I can handle it,” he finishes, and Joshua nods sharply. Neku
takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, thinking it over. “Thank you for
telling me,” he settles on, and even if it isn’t an answer, Joshua relaxes a
bit, closing his eyes and basking in what attention Neku gives him. It’s often
not that much, but right now Neku wishes he too could just melt into someone’s
lap like nothing matters.
Though he supposes Joshua’s faking it, as always, and Neku’s lip curls. “That I
multitask doesn’t mean I’m faking,” Joshua grumbles, and Neku covers his mouth
to keep him from talking. It doesn’t work, of course, Joshua simply speaking
like he’s not even there: “Some of my consciousness goes to composing, but most
of my personality follows my physical form, so you have as much of Yoshiya
Kiryu as anyone ever could, I suppose.”
Part of him wonders how much that could possibly be, but that’s rude and he’s
uncomfortable with the thought of Joshua hearing that. “Don’t censor yourself
on my account,” Joshua says mildly, and Neku presses down on his face, bemused
at the lack of cheekbones. “I hear everyone, Neku; I’m hardly going to judge.”
Neku doesn’t care if he judges; he just wants him to mind his own business!
Joshua projects a flash of alarm, and Neku breathes out slowly, trying to calm
back down. He’s not mad, really; Joshua hasn’t done anything wrong. “I don’t
know what to do when you’re all tied up with me,” Neku admits, and for a moment
he thinks Joshua might leave. “You don’t – I need space sometimes, Josh.”
“As do I,” he says back, and he eases himself out from under Neku’s hands and
stands up. “Regardless of how well you can tolerate me and Sanae’s constant
bickering, I don’t think sharing a flat with me helps.”
It’s only been a few days, though. “You’re kicking me out?” Neku says blankly,
not sure how to react to that.
“No, of course not,” Joshua replies, disdainful, and Neku forces himself to
breathe again. God, what – “That room is yours for as long as you’d like, but
this is my home, Neku. I know every single thing that happens here, and staying
out of your mind’s worse than avoiding cracks in the sidewalk. I can do it, but
after a day or two, it’s easier if one of us isn’t here. Overnight is fine, but
a week is stretching it and I’d be grateful if you could arrange something else
for the next time you’re on break and returning to Shibuya.”
So he is getting kicked out, just not immediately. “Where am I supposed to go,
then?” he snaps, because it’s not like staying with his family is any real
option, not when he’s got alternatives. He’d take the sewer over that; Josh has
his problems, but Neku has never felt like he’d wreck his stuff just to show he
can. Kill Neku, yes, but not keep him from caring about anything in fear of the
consequences.
“I’d move in with Hanekoma before making you return home,” Joshua says, matter-
of-fact, and Neku curls his lip. “We may fight incessantly, but Sanae and I
know where we stand and we can both keep anything we want private away from a
surface scan. No, I’d like to suggest that as Shibuya’s conductor, you can –
entirely accurately – put rent on an expense report and we’ll finagle it
somehow. Share with a friend, if you need to, and keep in mind that you can
keep whatever you’d like here, so long as you have a place of your own for when
you want privacy.”
He sounds so reasonable about it, too, and Neku hates it. He doesn’t want to
have to think about things like where he’ll live, or where rent will come from
with his fucking art degree; he wants things to be easy and he hates that they
aren’t, sometimes. He’s too young to have to deal with this. “I don’t want
charity,” Neku states, and Joshua softens.
“It isn’t,” he says simply, pushing his hair back, and he looks like he might
be laughing at himself. “You’re my conductor, Neku; your job is to keep me
functioning so I can run Shibuya, and it’s easier for you to do that if you can
afford to live here on your own without clashing with me all the time over
trivialities.”
Mind reading isn’t trivial, but Neku gets what he’s saying. He still doesn’t
like it, and it’s not fair that he can get these things just from who he’s
friends with, but he does get it. “I don’t actually work for you, you know,” he
informs him, and Joshua sits back down across from him.
“You remind me I was human once, and give me the patience to deal with their
frailties,” he says, mild as the god he is. “That’s a job in its own, and any
time you’re willing to take more of my duties upon yourself, I’d be happy to
oblige. You’re my friend, Neku, but I need a conductor more than that, and I
need one I trust implicitly if I have any intention of keeping my position.”
Ugh. Being someone’s friend shouldn’t be a job description, and Neku hates the
idea he’d be paid for it. Even if Joshua’ll take up all his time if he gets the
chance, and Neku makes a face. “I know Mr H was being a dick, but am I a pet to
you?” You don’t fuck pets, but Neku knows Joshua’s got a different view of sex
than he does: for all he knows, Joshua doesn’t need to see somebody as an equal
to bang them, and that’s … uncomfortable.
“I respect you,” Joshua says, after a moment. “He’s not right, Neku, but … he
isn’t wrong, either. I’ve been alone too long, I suppose.”
Not a denial, and Neku’s skin crawls. Joshua means well, he’s sure, and he is
trying, but … Neku doesn’t want to be pampered like some kind of kept boy, and
paying his rent is a bit far. “Josh,” he warns.
“Not even as a direct exchange of services? I’ll work you hard if I get the
chance, you know: there’s no risk of me taking it easy on you simply because I
want to give you something.”
Yeah, that’s the problem. Neku doesn’t want to owe anyone, and Joshua can be a
total bastard if he wants to be. He’s had too many strings already, and Joshua
rubs his face.
“I’m coming at this the wrong way,” he admits. “Neku, I have no intention
whatsoever of using this as leverage. But if you do decide to move back to
Shibuya, you have the right to use our UG’s resources as you see fit. Most
reapers don’t have the time to hold down a steady job, you know; you wouldn’t
be the first to have your living expenses accounted for. You’ll repay it later,
after all.”
“Not anytime soon, I won’t,” he mutters, “and I still don’t actually work for
you. I’ll keep it in mind, but don’t get your hopes up.”
“So long as you know,” Joshua concedes, and Neku leans back, trying to relax.
Joshua should be away from all these concerns, and it bothers Neku that he
isn’t. “I’m very proud of you,” he adds, but Neku didn’t even do anything.
Joshua is unconcerned, though, watching him with a faint smile on his face, and
Neku laughs it off. Joshua likes him being here, and Neku’s all right with
that, mostly. “Yeah, yeah,” he says. “Bet you think that about everyone.”
“Only the ones who deserve it,” he says back, miffed. “I’m proud of all my Game
winners, but I suspect I’ll see great things from you, Neku. You’ve come a long
way since we met.”
He snorts. “What, when you shot me?” he says, and Joshua’s face scrunches up
like he’s licked ice cream. It’s true, and maybe it’s a bit mean, but Neku’s
going to beat that dead horse until it gets up again. “You’ve changed a lot,
too.”
“In a good way, I hope.”
“Yeah, I think so,” Neku says, and even if he’s said it before, he feels the
edges of Joshua’s relief. Joshua stops projecting the moment he notices, but
that doesn’t stop Neku from raising a brow at him. “Does the mighty composer
need my approval?” he jokes, and Joshua pushes his hair back.
“Don’t fish for compliments,” he chides. “I value your opinion, Neku; you
already know that.”
It’s nice to hear, though, and Joshua fades away on the other couch, only to
reappear next to him, his hand on the small of Neku’s back. He’s cautious about
it, though, Neku sensing his presence before he’s actually there, and Neku
turns and leans down to kiss him. He’s cold, as he often is, but Neku opens his
mouth to tongue at his lips and Joshua chuckles and pulls him down, his other
arm sneaking around Neku’s shoulders. The back of Neku’s neck prickles with
cold and anticipation from the contact, and Joshua hums, pulling enough power
into it that Neku’s lips sting. Neku hisses in pain, more of a warning than
anything else, and Joshua kisses back just long enough to register before
pulling away.
“You’ll tell me if there’s anything I can help with?” Joshua says, his face
still close to Neku’s, and Neku nods uncertainly. “Very good,” and he kisses
him again, soothingly cool on the burns that he himself inflicted. Minor
details, Joshua informs him, and Neku shakes his head slightly. Joshua’s breath
tastes of the Shibuya air, and even if it’s not exactly pleasant, Neku laughs
into the kiss.
“Show off,” he says, pulling away, and Joshua gives him a look. “You only smell
like the city to prove a point, don’t you.”
A snort, and the scent of bay air wafts in, crinkling Neku’s nose. “It’s more
enjoyable if you’re thinking about me and my district,” he claims without
shame. “Shibuya likes you, and the more you associate me with my city, the more
Shibuya’ll approve of our relationship. I might train you into associating me
with my neighborhoods, just in case.”
Ugh, no. “That’s not gonna happen, Josh, because I’m not an embarrassment who’d
fuck a town.”
“No, you’d only grope the composer,” he concedes, and Neku winces. Yeah, he did
try that, didn’t he. “You shouldn’t do that while I’m the city, dear, unless
you want Shibuya to expect me to share you.”
How would that even work? Neku almost actually asks, but Joshua raises his
eyebrow and … oh. “And so, you smell funky,” Neku concludes, and Joshua nods.
“Smog isn’t exactly appealing, just so you know.”
Joshua’s face goes flat, and Neku scoots away. Right, don’t actually antagonize
him – “I’ll thank you to not imply any part of my city is flawed, dear
conductor, unless you have something far more vital to say than this,” he says,
voice clipped, and Neku winces in apology. “We tend to be … touchy.”
“Sorry,” Neku says honestly, and Joshua nods once. Pissing off that alien
intelligence was not his plan, but Joshua sends a light breeze to ruffle his
hair and he relaxes a little.
“No harm done,” he says softly. “Remember in the future that Shibuya, too, has
feelings, and we’ll be even.”
Neku’s life went bizarre somewhere if he’s taking shit like this in stride, but
he just flops onto Joshua’s lap and lets him fiddle with his hair. His life
went weird a long time ago, he supposes, probably when he was shot the first
time.
He doesn’t mind it anymore, even if he’s never going to forget it, and Joshua
doesn’t pause in petting him when the thought comes up. They’re both moving
forward, and Neku’s not going to drag him back with a fight as pointless as
that.
“Shibuya and I won’t hurt you, you know,” he adds, and Neku has no idea what to
do with that. “We have a temper, and some respect for it is only healthy, but
you’ll never be an appropriate outlet for it, do you understand? The posturing
is only that: posturing. It won’t happen. Ever.”
He breathes in deeply, letting that sink in, then releases it. Part of him
wants to insist that of course he’s not scared of him, or that there’s no way
to know Joshua means it, but yeah, okay. He’s upset Joshua before – sometimes
badly, and he still remembers throwing him out of his own house on their first
date – and he’s never gone beyond intimidation. And maybe that’s a bit far
already, but …. “I know,” he says honestly, and Joshua rests his head on his
shoulder. Neku pulls him into a hug, and Joshua lets out a long sigh.
“I don’t know how to be – any of what you need, Neku,” he says, “but I’ll be
here for as long as you have use of me. Now, you still have living friends you
need to talk to, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” he mumbles, but he doesn’t really want to. Not now, anyway: they’re
good people, and he’s … he’s a bit of a disappointment sometimes. “Is your
offer only for if I’m living alone?” he asks, an idea forming in his head, and
even if he doesn’t want charity … it’d be different if he’s sharing.
Joshua lights up at that, and maybe Neku’ll consider it after all. “It’s for
whatever your portion of rent inside Shibuya happens to be, Neku,” he assures
him. “I’d prefer that your potential roommate intend on remaining local,
however.”
Of course he would. Blah, blah, Shibuya, blah, blah, but Neku knows at least
one person who has reasons not to live in a cheaper neighborhood. “Do you
think,” he starts, and Joshua shrugs.
“I can’t speak for Daisukenojo,” he says. “He’s not unlike most other Game
winners, however, in wanting his distance from the supernatural, but as you
would be getting a place away from my domain, that may not matter. You’d have
to ask him.”
But that’s not happening until Neku’s talked to him, and they both know that.
“What do I say?” He’s never had to deal with this before, and he doesn’t want
to be dealing with it now. He doesn’t want to need a reconciliation, and he
definitely doesn’t want to need it with one of his best friends, and Joshua
massages his back.
“The truth,” he says easily, then adds: “but seeing as that by itself has never
convinced anyone, let’s discuss framing, shall we?”
“Yeah,” he agrees, and he can do this. It’s just talking to his friend.
It shouldn’t be too hard.
***** Chapter 32 *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
And it isn’t, at least with Joshua’s coaching. It’s not too long before he’s
got a decent text written, letting Beat know he’s interested in hearing his
concerns about the whole … job … thing, and no matter how it goes, he’s not
going to bring it up again after that conversation. Beat’s less than thrilled,
but he’s willing, and that’s the best they’re going to get.
Ugh. Neku doesn’t really want to do this, and Joshua’s smile’s more wooden than
usual, but it needs to happen, Neku’s pretty sure. He doesn’t want to have so
you think I’m going to be a murderer as the elephant in the room.
“You don’t have to come with me,” Neku says as he pulls on his shoes. “Beat’s a
good guy.”
“Daisukenojo fears my Megumi,” Joshua replies distantly, leading the way out
the sewer and to the meeting spot near the Bitous’ place. “I … would rather he
associate my UG with myself, or at least not a caricature of a man at his
worst. It’s unfair to you and unfair to Megumi, that he thinks you would be the
object of his nightmares.”
“Shades is dead,” Neku says back, and Joshua stiffens. “Josh, you don’t have to
come, you know. You get all poetic when you’re nervous.”
He scoffs, though Neku notices he doesn’t deny it, and it doesn’t help the
butterflies in Neku’s stomach to know he’s right on the mark. They’re quiet the
rest of the way there, and Joshua hops up onto a ledge, acrobatic in a lazy
sort of way. Telekinesis, Neku suspects, and Joshua shrugs slightly, like it’s
absurd to think it’d be anything else.
“I’d rather he hate me than fear you, Neku,” Joshua says finally, and it takes
Neku a second to remember the conversation. “It’d be best if he did neither, of
course, but if I can ever take the damage for you, I’d do so gladly. Too few
people have protected you in life.”
“I don’t need protecting,” he says back, but Joshua just looks at him. “Maybe
it’d be nice, sometimes, but Josh … Beat’s not a threat to me. I don’t need
protection, not from him.”
“You’re right,” Joshua concedes, looking away. “He cares about you, deeply, but
it’s – strange to me, that he can fear something I know with certainty never
happens. There is not a single future where your personality is at all
reminiscent of Megumi’s, Neku, not one, and absolutely not Daisukenojo’s
bogeyman. It’s absurd.”
It’s also not the real problem, and Joshua doesn’t understand Beat if he
doesn’t get that. “You can call him Beat,” he says instead. “It’s his name.”
“I’m not his friend,” he complains. “In his hearing, yes, his preference is
paramount, but I’m not calling him a friendly nickname when we aren’t by any
definitions friends. And referring to him as Bitou-kun would hardly win me any
favors, either.”
Yeah, but at least he doesn’t loathe his family name – it’s not worth arguing
about. Neku can’t see Joshua calling him Beat while he’s being all high and
mighty, either. “It’s not his fault he hates Shades,” he adds. “You might not
have been listening in at the time, but he was really nasty. Of course he’s
worried about me.”
Joshua lowers his feet, his jaw tight. “Megumi was doing his best,” he snaps,
and Neku stares at him in disbelief. “He did what he had to, because Shibuya is
worth it, and no matter that his methods were – unconventional, he was playing
against me and he needed every edge he could get, no matter the consequences.
Can you honestly say there’s nothing you would sacrifice everything for, Neku?
Can Daisukenojo?”
It’s just a city, he starts, then it doesn’t matter, but nothing he could say
would make a dent in Joshua’s beliefs, so instead he mutters, “It was wrong.” A
snort from the composer, and he continues: “Look, maybe you’re right and he had
good reasons and he was just using all the cards at his disposal. He still
ordered Beat to kill me and then he fucking erased all the other Players just
to get me, Josh, because you put him in a corner and he needed me gone. I am
never going to fucking do that, okay?! That is some seriously bad shit and it’s
not wrong that Beat and I got some issues about it, no matter how long it’s
been.”
He’s silent, and Neku sure hopes that means he’s thinking about it. Joshua
raises a finger. “What?” Neku says, harsher than he’d meant, but this is
serious.
“Are you referring to your third entry fee?” he asks, and Neku nods slowly. “He
didn’t erase them, Neku: there were no other Players, because no one could
enter the Game while I was out of this universe. They Played in the Game after
that; no one lost a chance because he wanted to force your erasure or your
Bitou’s defection. He’s cruel, not a monster.”
He didn’t – Neku didn’t screw them all over by existing. Would have been great
to know this earlier, but apparently he needs to ask Joshua to clarify every
little fucking thing. “That’s great,” he snaps. “He’s still an asshole.”
“Oh, he absolutely was that.”
And even if Neku barely knew the guy, he’s not going to tell Beat that hey, the
composer insists he wasn’t that bad! Nothing Joshua’s said about him changed
anything, not really, and it bothers him that Joshua feels the need to defend a
guy too dead to care. None of it matters anymore, not what Joshua thought his
good qualities were, not why he did what he did; all that counts is how they
deal with it and it ain’t Beat’s fault if he thinks the conductor’s bad news.
Hell, even saying Shades was bad news and it isn’t about the job won’t help,
because Joshua keeps insisting he was an okay guy!
What a mess, and he sees Joshua’s smile fade to nothing and then a bit of
worry. “You’re right, of course,” he says quietly, and Neku’s shoulders
tighten. “Megumi is gone and if I cared about his reputation, I ought to have
not killed him.” That’s not what he meant. “He hurt the both of you very badly
as a result of my machinations, and seeing as he’s not here to make amends, we
just have to live with it. Or not, as the case may be.”
That’s not what he meant. “Have you ever tried not making it all about you?” he
says, and Joshua freezes. “Look, I know you feel bad about erasing him and
maybe it’s guilt and maybe you just know how much harder your life is without
him, but it’s not actually your problem if we hold a grudge. Neither is anyone
worrying about what kind of person I’ll be in a few years, because even if you
are the composer, you don’t control me and I got my own decisions to make. I
know you want to defend me, and you feel like you need to defend Shades, too,
but you need to back off, Josh. Chill.”
And he’s offended, as Neku knew he would be, but he doesn’t leave or argue and
it’s progress. “You haven’t been defended enough in your life, Neku,” he
mutters. “I hate it.”
“Beat isn’t a bad guy, Josh, and I don’t need protecting from him. He’s worried
and he needs some distance, and if you think you can help with that, you can
stay. But I don’t need you picking fights because you want them mad at you
instead of frustrated with me.”
Joshua sighs, but Neku’s pretty sure he’s listening. “I’m not helping, am I.”
He really isn’t, but Neku wants him here all the same. “You could be,” he tells
him. “Just don’t be a jerk and remember my friends care about me; they’re not
going to hurt me on purpose and you definitely don’t need to push them like you
do. Think Coco, not Mr H.”
“I barely know her or Kouki anymore, you know,” he mutters, but Neku thinks he
got through. “He’ll be here momentarily; do I stay or go?”
Stay, Neku decides, and he’s up and looking for Beat’s cap as soon as he thinks
it. Joshua stays put behind him, barely noticeable, and Neku sees Beat, sees
him try to decide if Neku gets a hug. Do it, Joshua suggests, and they tackle
each other, Beat pulling Neku into a friendly headlock and noogie. “Phones!” he
says, and neither of them want it to be awkward.
“Beat!” he says back, and for a moment, he wants to kiss that bright grin. His
face falls as he thinks it, though, and he goes serious instead. “Beat, I know
the stuff with me’s been rough on you, but I’m not making a mistake and the
composer wants to talk to you. Is that – is that okay?”
Beat goes blank, and Neku almost wishes he still had that telepathy. “Uh,” he
says, and he scratches his head. “Man, bro, that’s … kind of weird, but … wait,
why would the composer want to talk to me, anyway?”
“Neku cares about you,” Joshua says as he stands up, and his voice may be soft
but it digs its way into Neku’s brain. “I don’t mean for you to reconsider any
recent decisions you’ve made, but if granting you the chance to make your
concerns about me heard could help clear the air between the two of you, I have
a responsibility to do so. He’s my conductor, after all; I scarcely need him
isolated when a candid conversation could avoid it, even if I’d like permission
to alter a few of your memories afterward.”
Beat stretches his mouth out as he listens, trying to seem at least a little
friendly, but Joshua gets to the end of his speech and Neku could punch him, if
Beat doesn’t first. “You want to what?!” Beat squawks, and Joshua pushes his
hair back, so fucking casual about it, and goddammit but Neku was hoping he’d
behave.
“If you remember who I am, it’s possible for another reaper to scan that off
you,” Joshua says, aggravatingly patient. “I don’t plan on retiring anytime
soon, and I’m certainly not willing to let someone from outside Shibuya take my
job. Either you permit me to remove my name and appearance, or I risk
assassination every time I leave my apartment. Your choice.”
And a hell of a choice that is. “Josh, don’t spring that on people,” Neku
orders, and Joshua inclines his head.
It happens anyway, he replies silently. He'd forget the moment he left my
presence, but now he's aware of it. Yeah, and he’s aware because Joshua’s using
it as a weapon …!
Beat doesn’t rise to the bait, though, and Neku’s so proud. He just takes a
deep breath and – “You’re the composer, huh,” he says, and Joshua quirks a sad
smile. “You gonna get shot at if I don’t agree?”
“It’s likely, unless you planned on moving outside of Kanto within the next few
days? I thought not.”
“You’re a sick bastard,” Beat says back, but he’s not angry, and Neku’s
honestly confused. “Do it if you have to, but I ain’t happy. I want that
straight out: I am not happy, and no matter how you thought you wanted shit
clear, you’re doing a shit job of it.”
He is, and Neku wants this salvaged while Beat’s still talking to him. “Josh,
can you just go?” he says wretchedly. “We got stuff we need to talk about.”
“What you need to talk about is me,” Joshua says, a bit blank, and even with
Neku trying to get it through to him not to go for the throat, he’s pretty sure
Joshua didn’t get it. He rubs at his elbow, self-conscious, and Neku sees him
biting his lip. It looks odd on him, and as much as Neku’s tempted to chase him
off, he waits for him to speak. Just in case. “Neku, Dai – Bitou – Beat, if I’m
permitted to call you that?” he starts, and Beat nods roughly. “Beat, then.
Neku, Beat – I am sorry for the offense I have caused, in both this and
previous endeavors. This is – I have little experience in talking to people,
I’m afraid, and while I thought I might put you on the same page as I with
regards to this conversation, I also immediately forced a concession, which was
… rude, to say the least. I won’t hold anything you say to me against you, Da –
Beat, and I do wish for you to, at the least, trust that I have no intention of
moulding Neku into another Megumi Kitaniji. ‘Shades,’ as you call him. If you
could excuse my – rough nature, I would be grateful.”
“Prissy bastard uses too many words,” he mutters to himself, and jerks up.
“You’re the one who lives at the lounge,” he realizes, brow furrowing, and
accuses: “You cooked us breakfast!”
“I wanted to be a good host,” Joshua explains archly, but at least Beat seems
more disbelieving than upset, now. “If you would rather speak to Neku without
me present, I’ll accept that, but seeing as I’m the source of your current
disagreement ….”
“You just got to stick your nose into everything,” Beat says, shaking his head,
and ugh, waiting for him to think was so much easier when he’d had telepathy.
“Fine, we’ll talk, but if you hurt Neku, there’ll be hell to pay, you clear?”
Joshua crosses his arms, and is he pouting? He totally is. “If I hurt Neku,
I’ll have Neku to deal with, and that’s worse than anything you can deal out,”
he says plaintively, then sticks a finger up near his chin, musing. “I don’t
think I’d much like Miss Misaki’s rage, however,” and Beat laughs. “You’ve
never struck me as having much of an attention span, but she could spite
Shibuya for a good long while if she put her mind to it, and my city has not
been kind to her. I appreciate the sentiment, but you’re simply not that
intimidating, I’m afraid.”
“Harsh words from a twig,” Beat says back, looking him over, and Joshua’s
probably half his weight. “Damn, you are short, and …” He mimes pushing two
things together, and finishes: “tiny. You really want to say that?”
“Composing doesn’t require a hulking giant,” he dismisses, “but your build
suits you, I suppose. Skateboarding and … carpentry, I believe? No, that was a
different future – cooking! Possibly?”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. “He’s an electrician,” Neku drawls, rolling his shoulders,
“which you’d know if you listened to me.”
“Ah, but perhaps I thought he could use a few pointers,” Joshua says back,
considering Beat seriously. “You’re very good at building things in the futures
you pursue it, though I understand if you prioritize something more –
lucrative. Still, I have something of a responsibility to guide my Game winners
to their more promising possibilities, and you’re no exception. Beat.”
Beat crosses his arms and glances at Neku: can you believe this guy? Sadly,
yeah, Neku can, but Beat doesn’t need to know just how utterly typical this is
of him. “Wouldn’t think I’d hear career advice from some asshole who kills
people,” is all he says, and Joshua looks at him mildly, like Beat’s a child.
“I don’t kill people, and neither will Neku, if he values his existence,” he
says quietly, and Neku’s hair raises. “Murder is strictly forbidden for
reapers, and Neku is the only living being I have ever shot. Try again, if you
wish to condemn me; you of all people should understand that without the Game,
you would be dead.”
Oh, hell. Beat clenches his fists, unconsciously lowering his mass in
preparation for a fight, and Neku straightens. This needs to stop now, but Beat
takes a deep breath and Neku’s so, so proud. “I woulda been a goner for not
killing – not erasing, sorry – Phones here, and all he did was piss off Shades.
Most of the Players are fucking innocent, and I don’t give a fuck if they’re
dead already: Rhyme was too young, you know? So ‘fore you tell me off for not
knowing the difference between UG and RG, how about you take a step back and
consider we ain’t UG. Aight?”
“I am, though,” Joshua says, impossibly old, and he pushes his hair back.
“Without a certain percentage of erasures, the UG can’t exist. That means no
reapers, no players, and no music, young Bitou. I prefer resurrecting people
like your Raimu when I can, but my resources are finite and I truly doubt you
would do a better job. Compassion is a weakness in my position, but it is
necessary; much of why I want Neku as my conductor are his ideals, his values.
He lacks my perspective, but that’s his strength, do you see? Now, grow up and
either dismiss me or acknowledge that I am here in good faith because I would
rather be loathed for what I am than the monster in the closet, unknown and
unexamined. Honestly, I don’t know why I try sometimes.”
If this is him trying, Neku’d hate to see him the rest of the time. “Josh,”
Neku says coldly, and he slumps, avoiding Neku’s gaze.
“I got to say,” Beat says, also tired, “I’m kind of impressed even the one who
likes you doesn’t have much patience for this shit. I’d thought maybe you’d
hoodwinked Phones into it, seeing as he says you ain’t that bad and all, but
you don’t got the subtlety for that, do you? So fuck it; go do whatever
composers do when they ain’t acting like pompous jackasses, but Neku’s worth
ten of you and don’t you forget it.”
“There was never any danger of that,” Joshua mutters, and he bows his exit,
deeper than Neku was really expecting, though not quite enough to be insulting.
“The offer’s open,” he adds, and vanishes.
Well.
Neku hesitantly looks over at Beat, not sure what he’ll see, and his face is
hard to read. Stunned, Neku thinks, and Neku can’t blame him for that. Joshua’s
a trial at the best of times, and that was ….
Beat bowls over, shaking, and Neku freaks out a little before realizing: he’s
laughing. A chuckle escapes from Neku, too, and before he knows it, they’re
both cackling, though whether it’s stress or amusement, who can say? “What the
hell was that?” Beat manages eventually, and Neku has no clue.
“God, I have no idea,” he says back, and apparently it’s good enough because
there’s tears leaking from Beat’s eyes and he’s smiling. “I told him to behave,
and I even gave him some tips, and then he did … that. And the sad thing is? He
was listening to me! I told him to treat you like one of his friends –”
“He has friends?” Beat says back, and it’s terrible but it’s also fucking
hilarious, and Neku can’t breathe.
He can’t breathe; he’s laughing too hard. Joshua is so fucking incompetent
sometimes, and Neku’s endeared. “I know! He’s actually a pretty good guy but I
can’t even say that’s the worst conversation with him I’ve had. He’s just …
like this!”
Beat shakes his head, still laughing intermittently, and Neku’s so glad Joshua
didn’t ruin it. “I can’t believe you were partnered to this guy for a full
week. How did you not strangle him?”
“I don’t even know,” he says. “It was hard work, though, I know that.”
“I believe it.” God, this is so wrong and Neku really shouldn’t be laughing at
him like this, but he can’t help it. “‘Pardon his rough nature,’” Beat mutters.
“Dude does not know the meaning of the word. Are you sure he’s like this?”
“Sometimes? He’s worse.”
“I can’t even picture that.”
“What’s even better is I’m dating him.” The laughing stops, and Neku looks at
him carefully. “That’s okay, right?”
He sure hopes it is, but Beat takes a deep breath, conflicted. “Ain’t really my
place to say anything,” he says back, “but … you’ve known him for a while,
right? He got any good points?”
And Neku goes quiet, too. “He’s kind of a loser,” he starts, knowing this is
serious, “but I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else who gets me like he does,
you know? He’s awkward, and an asshole, and the less you know about how mad he
gets about places outside Shibuya existing the better, but he’s honestly … I
understand him, and he understands me. He listens to me, too; I ask him about
something and he’s happy to tell me, and if I don’t agree with something he’s
doing, he explains to me what he’s up to and why, and if I still got problems
with it, he keeps my thoughts in mind, too. He respects me, but if he thinks
I’m making a mistake, he’ll dog at me about it and make sure I know what I’m up
to. Even when he really doesn’t like it, or when what I want to do is the same
thing he wants from me.”
Beat doesn’t say anything.
“I trust him, you know?” Neku adds, and he knows it’s unconvincing. “I trust
him, and he thinks the world of me. It’s … nice.”
Beat still takes a while to say anything. “You like him a lot,” he says
finally, and Neku smiles. “Well, I ain’t gonna insult you by telling you you’re
too good for him, or nothing,” and thanks for that, “but you’d best be careful
not to lead him on if you’re just looking for a rebound.”
Hey! “It’s not like that!” he yelps, and Beat waves his arms, placating.
“Hey, man, I know you wouldn’t pull that shit on purpose,” he says quickly,
“but you got to admit it can look that way, and I don’t want you doing anything
you’re gonna regret, you know? I know it’s – I know it sucks I said what I did,
but I do still want to be friends and all; I just don’t want to have much to do
with that side of things and it’s already damn clear it’s going to come up
sometimes. Keep that with him as much as you can, you know?”
Neku does know, and he hopes whatever Joshua’d texted him at least meant Beat
wasn’t surprised by all this. “I’ll try,” he promises. “Josh’s been telling me
things, and they do try to give kids a chance, you know. Rhyme is ….”
“She’s safe,” Beat says flatly. “I don’t even want to allow a possibly that she
could ever not be, but they get kids who get erased on the first day. I can’t
deal with that; I got trouble believing anyone could deal with that and still
be an okay person. Don’t – don’t talk to me about this.”
“He can’t stop people from dying,” Neku says anyway, “and he can’t save
everyone, but he wants to try. Just … don’t hold it against him too much.”
“Don’t want to,” he agrees, “but I still don’t want to think about it.”
“Yeah ….” It’s rough on Neku, too. “Life sucks.”
“Shit’s rough,” he agrees, and he looks up at the sky. Neku follows his gaze,
but all he sees is an airplane overhead, off to somewhere Neku’ll never go.
“You holding up okay?” Beat says finally, a bit guilty, and it’s not his fault
the answer was no for a while there.
And Neku’s not that good a liar. “I’m okay now,” he assures him. “On break, you
know? Last semester kind of sucked by the end, but I got through it all right.
Josh helped, with some of it. You?”
“Ain’t too bad,” he says with some relief, though Neku knows he didn’t exactly
want to hear that about Joshua. “Got to get out of the house sometime, though,
and – I don’t know what’s going to happen there, I really don’t.”
Yeah, Neku wouldn’t want to deal with the Bitou parents all the time, either.
“Could split with me,” he says slyly, and Beat jumps a little. “You’d even have
the place to yourself most of the time; I got stuff to do in the studio, you
know? Coursework and shit.”
It’d keep him out of trouble, too, and he thinks Beat might be considering it.
Even with the – it’s not really a break up; it’s just an adjustment. It’s okay.
They can deal, and if it’s that big a problem, he’ll just crash with Joshua
most of the time. “You’re a student, though,” Beat says blankly. “Your folks
really going to be okay with that?”
“I wasn’t going to tell them,” he admits, and ugh, this is awkward. “They’re
kind of – I don’t know if I could get away with living away from them again if
they’re covering it, but I’d get paid if I’m living in Shibuya ….”
“Bit expensive for me,” Beat mutters, and it’s a bit of an understatement. He’s
not uninterested, though, and Neku sends a quick text. The reply’s more
detailed than he’d expected, and he rereads it just to be sure.
“It’d really be mostly your space,” he announces, and Beat gives him a weird
look. “I got a room for myself down at the lounge, but the composer says he can
move that to be part of a real apartment if I’ve got one.”
“So we don’t have to share,” Beat concludes, and he sounds relieved. Neku tries
not to feel disappointed.
“We don’t have to share,” he confirms. “Not more than an address and a fridge,
anyway.”
And it’s hard to do better than that. “I’ll think about it,” Beat concedes, and
that’s good enough for now.
“Thanks.”
===============================================================================
They talk a bit more after that – mostly about Rhyme, actually, since she’s
easy to agree on – and Neku feels … not relieved, exactly, but accomplished.
He’s getting by.
Score one for having an okay conversation with his ex. And for lasting fairly
long as whatever-they-were before breaking up, too: most of his classmates
can’t say the same. He’s doing all right, and he’s contemplating heading back
to campus a few days early before it occurs to him that he really should check
on Joshua. Phone, contacts ….
Click. “Joshua?” Neku asks, and he hears a chuckle that is definitely not his
sort-of-boyfriend.
“Hey, Phones,” Mr H says, and what exactly is he doing with Joshua’s cell? “I
got Josh; he’s fine, by the way, though he’s marinading in self pity on my
couch. You want to pick him up, or just wait for him to head back on his own?”
He wants for Joshua to not go running off to Hanekoma every time there’s a
problem, that’s what. “Stick him on,” he says shortly, tapping his foot, and Mr
H sighs.
“Can do, but you ain’t gonna get much useful out of him. Here,” and there’s a
muffled sound as he passes it over, before: “Hello?” Joshua says, and his voice
is weirdly rough.
“What was that about?” Neku says, and part of him wants to be furious, but …
but it deflates, and he doesn’t know if he’s okay with that. “Josh? … I know
you can hear me; I want an answer, damn it.”
“I don’t know, Neku,” he mutters, voice small, and of course he doesn’t. Not
like anyone could have figured out that’d go over poorly, no sir; he’s just the
incompetent innocent and … maybe this isn’t a chat to have over the phone. “I’m
not very good at managing my emotions, or balancing openness with tact, and I
shouldn’t have – I shouldn’t have said any of that, and it would have been
better if I took my exit before burning any bridges. I’m sorry.”
He should be, but Neku doesn’t say it, hopes he didn’t think it loud enough for
Joshua to notice. He’s alienated people while upset, too, and Joshua knows he
did wrong. Yelling at him’d do more harm than good, and he’s already on the
defensive. “Beat and I made up, I think,” Neku says instead, and Joshua sighs
relief. “We’re not – we’re not like we were, and I think he was kind of
stressed out by me, but you didn’t fuck up everything. He was going to hate you
anyway.”
“I know,” he says back, and Neku thinks he might be sad about it. “Your friends
are good people, Neku, and they’re right that I’m ….”
Joshua’s a lot of things. “Go get Mr H to make sure you’re fed or whatever,”
Neku orders. “Take care of yourself; I’ll be there in a few minutes, and you’ll
do better next time, right?”
“I’ll try, but I can’t promise anything –” he starts hesitantly, and Neku
wonders if he’s ever going to get used to Joshua being nervous about him.
“Trying is good enough for now. You didn’t fuck up too bad, Josh,” he says
again, because he needs to get that through. “You seriously need work on your
conversation skills, but Beat’s talking to me again and that’s what matters. I
will be there in a few.” And he hangs up, pretty damn sure Joshua’d take up all
his time if he got the chance.
It’s okay, dude! Neku is not that mad! He and Beat laughed it off and while
Josh wrecked whatever chance he had that Beat would like him, Beat already
disliked him. The only harm done was to Joshua’s pride, and Neku hurries over
to Cat Street. Hanekoma might be a fucking asshole, but at least he’s got
practice handling Joshua’s ego, and that’s better than nothing.
The shoo’s closed when he gets there, but he bangs on the door rudely and ends
up looking Hanekoma in the eye. He hadn’t realized they were near the same
height, but Mr H wordlessly moves out of the way and Neku bows his way in.
“Beat says he’ll consider rooming with me,” he says quickly, and a familiar
pair of ears and a dog snout perk up from behind the counter. “I might be
getting a place in Shibuya sometime soon, with any luck.”
“No dogs in the kitchen,” Hanekoma hisses, and Joshua barks disagreement,
jumping over the counter and fizzling back into Neku’s boyfriend.
“I’ll keep an ear out for any place that I think suits you both, then,” he
says, walking over, and Neku gives him a dorky smile. “If not, I can likely
finangle you a postage stamp of your own, but that’s tricky at your current
age; it’s much easier if you’re quietly sharing with another tenant. Well?”
He’s right there, so Neku kisses his forehead and Joshua presses close to him.
“You seemed upset,” he says, and it’s a bit of an understatement. “You okay
now?”
“If you are,” he says easily, and Neku feels his face heat. “Sanae?” he calls.
“It would sound more earnest coming from you.”
What would? Neku mouths silently, but Joshua just sticks close to him and
doesn’t explain. “Phones,” Hanekoma says, and he jerks up. “Josh said you
promised to take up some duties by next break, and that’s a good idea, but we
think you ought to travel a bit ‘fore you go UG again.”
“Nothing big,” Joshua reassures him, looking up, and Neku has no idea what to
do with this. “Simply seeing some of the other islands would suffice, and then
you don’t have to do it again if you don’t want to.”
“But you do have to do it,” Hanekoma states, and Neku bristles. “Go see where
some of your classmates come from, or some’at; the boss don’t care what so long
as you ain’t swearing yourself to Shibuya when you’ve barely left Tokyo.”
It shouldn’t be their business how much he has or hasn’t traveled, and he
bristles a little. But Josh does have the right to be concerned about him, and
… yeah, okay, it’s not even that hard of a thing to do. “I’ll figure something
out,” he says irritably, and the other two share a look.
“Consider it a late graduation present,” Hanekoma says, and Joshua pulls Neku
down into a kiss. Guh, it’s a bit weird with Hanekoma there, and he’s pretty
sure Joshua’s trying to butter him up, but to hell with it: it’s fine. He’s
probably going to head back to campus today anyway, and Joshua beams at him,
though Neku thinks he might be a bit pained for doing it.
Sanae, leave us for a moment, would you? Joshua says briskly, leading Neku to a
chair and hopping up onto a table for the height advantage without ever letting
go of him. We know you serve food here, don't worry.
Hanekoma sighs, and Neku pulls out of the embrace just enough to see him
rolling his eyes, fond. “I really got to teach you some manners, J,” he says,
heading upstairs, “but you both be good now, and Neku: you got any problems
with school or with getting in contact with J, you call me, all right? I ain’t
a professional for nothing and we also got to work out a proper vacation for
you.”
“Thanks, Mr H!” Neku calls back, and he waves before ducking out of sight. He’s
still not a good person, and Neku doesn’t want to like him, but ….
“He means well,” Joshua says seriously, his hands on Neku’s shoulders, and it’s
a bit funny to be looking up at him like this. “Now, Neku, you aren’t going to
be able to call me while you’re on campus,” he starts –
“Why not get a prepaid phone?” Neku interrupts. “Then you don’t need a
recurring plan, and you only pay for the minutes you actually use. Keep it
charged here, and then you can call me with me being RG.”
Joshua leans back, stunned, then pulls him into a kiss again, and Neku laughs
into his mouth. I love you, he proclaims. Thank you so much.
Hey, he can think of things, too. And it’s way better than imposing on Hanekoma
every time they want to chat, and mmm – Joshua slides down onto his lap, and
Neku pulls him close, his hands precariously close to where Joshua’s wings go,
and Joshua moves to suck on his neck.
Not right now, he says, and Neku obligingly moves his hands down a little, but
I'll be thinking of you, you know. You're very good to me, Neku.
“Hey, you’re the one offering to cover my rent,” he says back, and they both
laugh. Oh, god, Joshua’s probably giving him a hickey, and he can feel his
amusement in his mind and that’s not a denial, Josh! He’ll accept it this time,
though, and Joshua giggles as he moves up to nibble on his ear.
Ugh, he almost wishes they were anywhere else, but Joshua projects contentment
and yeah, okay. Joshua’d probably make him stay overnight again if they tried
going back to his place, and he really should be heading back to his dorm.
“You’re going to take care of yourself, right?” he says, and Joshua pulls back
to look at him.
“Absolutely,” he says, and he means it. “I expect you to do the same, dear
conductor, and you should have many stories for me, hm~?” And, almost as an
afterthought: “And see if you can get any of them to move to Shibuya, too. Any
friends of yours are friends of mine.”
God, he’s predictable. “The rent’s kind of high for that, but I’ll get them to
visit so you can at least see what they’re like, I promise.”
“I suppose that’s good enough,” he grumbles. “Maybe they’ll move here when
they’re gainfully employed, instead.”
“Yeah, maybe.” The rent’s still kind of high for that, though, and he scritches
the back of Joshua’s neck, amused as he leans back into Neku’s fingers and
fuck, he’s adorable.
And Joshua’s eyelids flutter and he looks so proud of Neku, and Neku flushes.
“Your things are on the table behind you,” Joshua murmurs, “and I think you
should perhaps be going?” It’s not so much a question as a bit of a squeak, and
yeah, okay. Before they work each other up enough to jump him in fucking
Wildkat.
Neku nods and pulls back, as Joshua surreptitiously gets off his lap and back
up onto the table, and Neku stands up. “I love you,” he says simply, collecting
his belongings, and Joshua watches him wistfully as he goes.
“See you, Neku,” Joshua says, and he’s gone.
===============================================================================
It’s strange being in his dorm again, but it’s nice, too. He hears the faint
sounds of other people living, and try as he might, nothing more than that,
their thoughts their own in a way he’s not sure he likes.
Best get used to it. It’s how everyone else is, he supposes, and he might as
well try sampling a normal life before he heads back to the UG.
And he will, he’s pretty sure. He can do a lot of good there, and he doesn’t
want to give any of it up.
There’s so many things he can do, and this semester, at least, will be
different.
Chapter End Notes
     This is a little bit the end! But only a little bit. Epilogue will be
     up as a separate fic in the same series on Monday and Friday next
     week (it's two parts), and then we'll see how long it takes for me to
     finish the next actual sequel! (Likely a while.) Reminder that it's a
     really good idea to subscribe to the series rather than just this
     fic, but, you know. You do you?
     I hope you've been enjoying this lengthy saga of teenagers making bad
     decisions, and I'd be thrilled to hear your thoughts on it all either
     now or after the epilogue! Or both? And as always, 'this was awesome'
     is peerfectly fine if you don't want to go into detail about what you
     liked or didn't like. :B
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!