Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/3683082.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Homestuck
  Relationship:
      Dave_Strider/Karkat_Vantas
  Character:
      Dave_Strider, Karkat_Vantas, Kanaya_Maryam
  Additional Tags:
      well_kanaya's_there_for_three_seconds, Dick_Biting, like_seriously_expect
      dave's_dick_to_become_detached_from_his_body, Trolls_are_Weird
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-04-05 Words: 2775
****** Bad Life Choices ******
by jhoono
Summary
     Your name is Dave Strider and good god are you turned on right now.
     You probably won't be for long.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
Your name is Dave Strider and good god are you turned on right now. You're
practically blasting hot air like a fan on steroids, regurgitating as much good
old O-two as your teenage body can manage without exploding. Karkat's on his
knees in front of you, sweater discarded elsewhere (little shit had a t-shirt
on underneath so you can't see the weird troll goods) and looking up at you
wordlessly, bushy eyebrows furrowed just a little in both confusion and
frustration, like he's trying to ask what in the fresh hell he's supposed to do
without sucking it up and admitting he's confused as shit.
You, for the first time in your life, decide to give him a helpful pointer
rather than condescend to him for being more extra virgin than fucking olive
oil. This is partially out of the kindness of your heart, but you can also
easily say that you don't really want to put off the mouth-to-dick action any
more than you need to. "If you want to actually try this, a great way to start
would be by, I dunno, actually unzipping my jeans."
He grits his sharp teeth, raising one side of his mouth in a little snarl
that's just a little intimidating considering its proximity to your manschlong.
"Well, no shit. Excuse me for trying to get past the fucking MASSIVE cultural
taboo that I'm deliberately skipping over for the sake of your stupid human
fantasy. Seriously, do you not realize how horribly this could go? Look at my
teeth, dumbshit," Karkat says, giving this little half-smile-grimace thing that
only he can pull off to show aforementioned chompers.
They're colored like his horns are, tinting more towards yellow the further
from the gums they go. And yeah, you can't help but admit that they may be
significantly pokier than human teeth, but they're also infinitely nubbier than
any of the other trolls on the meteor, which is a plus. You wouldn't trust
Terezi's mouth near your crotch if your life depended on it.
Regardless of how obscene the act is to his weird, romcom-addicted ass, Karkat
does eventually undo the button of your jeans with slightly trembling fingers,
pulling down the zipper tooth by tooth like a massive fist could come out at
any second and sock him in his squishy troll nose. In retrospect you probably
should have gone into more detail on how human dicks looked and worked. After
all, all he really knows about them is their approximate shape from your
infinite illustrations of them on whatever possessions of his you could get
your hands on. Though it used to be to piss him off, now it's more of an
affectionate gesture.
"Listen, could you go a little faster? My peen is suffocating here, and you're
not helping it with your whole 'excruciatingly slow' act," you say in a stilted
voice. For fuck's sake. How hard is this to understand? The jeans you're
wearing are starting to feel more like a cock prison, and all you want is Willy
to be freed. Maybe Willy isn't a whale, but a metaphor for this huge drug
dealer guy who... Ohthankgod.
You bite your cheek to keep in a little exhale of relief as soon as cold air
rushes over your junk. This is good. Karkat gives a face, though, that isn't
quite as good.
"What the shit-licking FUCK is that?" he asks, drawing his mouth into a tight
line.
"Oh come on, you saw my drawings. Now you get to see it in the flesh," you
reply, trying to keep the tone of hurt out of your voice. It's not like you can
change how the D looks, now can you?
"I knew you were a shitty artist, but that looks NOTHING like the saggy
trunkbeasts you scrawled all over everything like a meowbeast claiming its
territory. It's got... hair, for starters. Does it even move?" Karkat prods it
and it twitches ever so slightly, just doing its own phallic thing.
"Okay, I don't even WANT to know what's going on with your junk if it moves."
You actually already know what troll junk looks like from a curious night with
Terezi (she laughed for ten minutes about your 'flesh pole'), and even if you
didn't get firsthand experience then you've had your fair share of lonely
nights with a computer. The integrated troll and human internet from the meteor
and bubbles makes for double the porn options. Or... quintuple, since there are
those weird fucking quadrants that you can't quite get even with Karkat's most
fervent explanations.
Back in reality, Karkat puffs his cheeks out, letting the air out slowly to
keep from flipping his shit clean off the griddle. You hold back a shudder as
it ends up blowing straight onto your cock, hissing a little.
You prompt him to get a move-on for the billionth time that night (it's
technically three in the afternoon, but it's dark out so whatever), doubtful
though it is that you'll ever actually go further than this. Stupid Karkat and
his inability to get over himself for long enough to put his mouth on your
personal hot dog. "Listen, if you don't want to actually do this it's all
right." Wait, that's not the prompting you'd expected to come out of your
mouth. Whatever, a reassurance to make sure you aren't pushing him into this is
always good. Consent is sexy, folks.
"Oh, shut up, will you?" His breath is warm against your intimate bits, and you
can't help but notice that he's inched closer towards it while you were busy
caught up in your own mind. Hey, maybe he's going to actually put his mouth on
it sometime this year.
A tense moment of silence passes, and you're just about to give up hope when he
closes his eyes and suddenly leans in, going for the gold. His weird troll
tongue is a little bit too dry, somewhat sandpapery against your sensitive skin
almost like it's a cat's tongue dragging along your jizz-rifle instead of a
squishy troll with anger issues and a really nice ass.
"Hooooly shit," you manage, a little pre already making an appearance. Karkat
doesn't seem to notice, instead licking up your cock like it's ice cream or
some shit. You're going to admit that it feels ridiculously good, but at the
same time it's just a little too dry and with how repetitive he's being with
that sandpaper tongue your penis is starting to get a little sore. Your voice
forces out a little, "Wait, stop," before you can stop it from escaping. God
dammit.
Karkat pulls away immediately, making this expression like he was just caught
with his hand in the cookie jar. Wait, even more guilty. Maybe his expression
could be better compared to someone caught with their bulge in the cookie jar,
screaming slightly incorrect lyrics to Spice Girls. Yeah, that was a
sufficiently horrified expression. "What happened? Are you all right?" His
voice sounds panicked beyond belief, and it's a little nice to know that your
very first blowjob is going to be given by someone who's actually concerned for
his bro's well being.
"Hey, I'm fine. Calm your tits. Your tongue is just hells of dry and scratchy
against my poor, poor junk. It'd be great if we could maybe take a minute to
find some, I don't know... lubricant? Since you seem to have, like, no spit at
all," you answer, pushing your jeans down to your mid-thigh as you talk now
that your penis isn't actively being attended to. The fabric had really started
to bunch awkwardly under your ass, and if Karkat weren't right there you'd be
shucking your pants off and throwing them as far away from you as possible.
Fucking pants, ruining the mood. Well, Karkat's tongue was also ruining the
mood.
"Lubricant? God, your species is lame as shit. You can't even fuck properly
without needing assistance from an external source," Karkat says in this cocky
tone.
"At least we can reproduce without needing to literally store our fluids in
buckets and throw them into a bug blender in order to get anything done," you
spit back in a defensive tone, pushing up the shades which were starting to
slide down your nose.
"Please tell me you actually have some lubricant nearby, I'm not going to go
across the meteor just so I can suck your stupid human bulge. You'll have to
attend to it on your own."
"Owch, you're a cruel little man, you know that?" you say, "But I was thinking,
since trolls basically are mainly comprised of genetic material in their lower
regions, you could just use some of that on me?"
Karkat genuinely flinches a little at the recommendation, narrowing his eyes at
you. "What the FUCK is wrong with you!? I'm not going to emphasize this enough,
NO. That's... That's so horrifically depraved, it's a bona-fide miracle I
didn't puke all over your skin rod as the words dripped out of your mouth in
the first place."
"Hey, it was just a suggestion."
All of a sudden, Karkat's eyes get this little glint in them and you can
practically see the little lightbulb over his head flickering on. "Wait, I
think I have an idea. Take your shirt and cape off," he practically orders.
"Wow, someone's pushy," you mutter under your breath, complying anyways because
you're curious about what he's got in store. You carefully remove the cape,
trying to keep your shades and hair as un-fucked as possible. Your shirt goes
immediately afterwards, leaving you only in your shades and your jeans. To be
entirely honest you feel more than just a little exposed right now, especially
with Karkat looking your chest over like it's some foreign thing. It isn't,
anyways, since he's seen you shirtless on a couple of occasions. His scrutiny
isn't making you feel any more fucking confident, though, and you kick his side
gently to make him quit it.
"Okay..." he mumbles to himself like he's about to try a tricky stunt before
opening his mouth, making this weird half-swallowing noise, and ew what the
fuck.
Your entire lower half is covered in spit, and you bite back the reflex to gag.
"What... What just happened," you say in the deadpan you have reserved for when
you're feeling the most horrified. It's everywhere, and it's mucous-y, and you
don't even know what to fucking say right now. You've never been more disgusted
in your entire fucking life.
"Oh, shut up. It's a defense mechanism that trolls have."
"And WHY, exactly, did you decide that defending yourself against my
vulnerable, naked body was the best thing to do? This is the bedroom, not a
goddamn forest. Do I LOOK like a cholerbear to you?" Your voice is shaking, not
because you're especially pissed or scared. Mostly you're just confused,
grossed out, and still pretty damned horny.
"Shh!" he forces through his teeth obnoxiously forcefully, leaning forward with
renewed confidence and licking up your dick again, this time with something
actually there to help his tongue's journey. This time it's less of a torture
device and more of an interesting texture, and you can't help the little shiver
that trickles down your spine as he reaches the head of your penis, opening his
mouth and finally, fucking finally taking in your head.
Your hands ball into fists, nails digging into your palms as he continues
lowering himself down, careful to avoid letting his teeth brush even slightly
against your delicate fertility flute. His tongue adds this perfect feeling to
the underside, and when his hands move down to rub your balls and the areas his
mouth can't reach you can't help but let slip a little moan. And it seems like
Karkat's into that, judging by the noise he gives in kind, sending vibrations
through your entire lower half.
Your hands occupy themselves quickly, moving almost frantically into Karkat's
knotty hair and tangling their fingers into it. You don't pull or anything out
of courtesy, but then amidst the pleasurable haze your mind is going through
you get a little idea of your own. That night with Terezi helped you pick up
one or two things, one of which was that troll horns were a 'hell fucking yes'
region. So it only makes sense for you to remove your hands from his hair,
tweaking at his nubs and tightening your grip around them.
That, of course, is the worst thing you could possibly do to a troll with sharp
teeth which are just millimeters away from your most valued organ.
Karkat's reaction is instantaneous. His entire body goes rigid, freezing up as
his mouth slams shut. Where his mouth slams shut, of course, is the most
unfortunate place in the entire goddamn universe. It takes a moment for you to
genuinely comprehend what's happened, but when you look down at Karkat's
shocked face and see his chin dripping with bright red, it all clicks at once.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" is the first thing you can manage to scream, the pain
searing through your lower half with more intensity than you'd ever experienced
before. Dying had nothing on this shit.
Karkat follows your example immediately, your severed dick falling out of his
mouth and on his lap in a manner which would be funny to anyone watching from a
distance. Okay, not really. It's horrifying through and through, like some sort
of grotesque fuckuppery fractal which just shows more levels of messed up shit
the closer you magnify the image. You don't really know what to do, but your
legs manage something pretty well, flailing spastically and shoving Karkat the
hell away from you. Oh god, oh god.
"F-SHIT 'M SO SORRY OH MY GOD FUCK," Karkat starts, his voice escalating in
volume with every word he utters. Of course, it doesn't nearly match yours in
loudness. You are too busy screeching your ass off about your DICK WHICH WAS
JUST BITTEN OFF to notice other things going on, like Kanaya opening the door
and adding to the cacophony of screaming as soon as she sees the situation.
Tears are streaming down your face, dripping down your cheeks and past your
shades. It seems like Karkat's got roughly the same idea, backing away from you
with horror and screaming bloody murder anew once he realizes that the top half
of your penis rolls off his legs as he stands up to get help which has already
arrived and is panicking too.
You don't stop screaming until you're out of breath and you feel like your
throat is going to tear, blinded by rage and horror and excruciating pain why
won't the pain stop you're never getting better again ever ever.
It's a good thirty seconds later that you finally manage to open your eyes
enough to look down at what you're sure is going to be the most horrific sight
you could ever possibly witness. However, through the blur of tears and snot,
you can see that your thighs are perfectly dry and your penis, your poor,
sweet, dear penis that you wouldn't give up for anything in the world is
miraculously intact. Karkat has come to the same realization, still covered in
the aftermath of what had to be the most botched blowjob in all of timespace.
Your mouth opens and closes like you're a fish out of water as you try to get
some words out of your aching and protesting throat, the last colorful wisps of
god tier magic dissipating into the air, and it's just then that you realize
that Kanaya's been standing there and looking at you both with the most
horrified expression for the past five minutes. Somehow, the room is silent
save for choked sobs coming from Karkat and awkward sniffles coming from you,
and it's then that Kanaya closes the door, probably so that she can pretend
like it never happened. You're not going to be able to look her in the eye for
a month.
"I'm so fucking sorry," is all Karkat manages to choke between shaking gasps
for breath, his face scrunched and covered in blood and tears. He pushes
himself up shakily, absconding out of the room without another word and
slamming the door behind himself, leaving you alone. Your dick is still on the
floor, lying there like a final reminder of what could have been, and though
you know that you've managed to recover a penis you also know just as well that
it'll never be the same.
You're not leaving your room ever again.
End Notes
     i would like to apologize
     okay, i've apologized
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