Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/11485380.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/F
  Fandom:
      Neon_Genesis_Evangelion
  Relationship:
      Ayanami_Rei/Souryuu_Asuka_Langley
  Character:
      Ayanami_Rei, Souryuu_Asuka_Langley
  Additional Tags:
      that_asu_on_rei_action
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-07-13 Words: 4171
****** And soon; nothing ******
by Xairathan
Summary
     An expression of feelings with intimacy. Takes place sometime during
     Chapter 9 of Prometheus.
In spite of them moving to the bed, Asuka still can’t rest. Everything that
could’ve been done to ensure Rei’s comfort has already been done, and now all
Asuka can do is lie awake, checking and re-checking Rei’s neck for a pulse,
enduring a repeating cycle that goes something like please breathe, please
never stop, please still love me when you wake up.
Asuka’s fingers have begun to wander with an instinctive precision: first to
Rei’s neck, then down her shoulder, where Asuka will lay her palm flat on Rei’s
chest, feeling her heartbeat, until there’s one beat she can’t feel that sends
her hand scurrying back up to repeat this all over again. Only this time,
there’s something in her way. Asuka looks down, and she can’t make sense of
what she sees. There’s a hand in her way, and Rei’s looking at her now, red
eyes shining with a fondness that Asuka’s never been able to say has been
directed at her until now.
“Asuka?” Rei whispers. Her fingers slide between Asuka’s, parting them so
there’s space for her hand to fit. “Are you alright?”
“You,” Asuka mutters, the only thing she can possibly say. Her world, right
now, is comprised only of this bed, Rei, and making sure Rei is alive.
“Yes,” says Rei. “I’m fine. What about you?”
What about me, Asuka thinks. She shakes her head, and now for the first time
she’s looking down at the sheets, away from Rei. She can’t manage to look Rei
in the eye. She’s been thinking about Rei so much that she’s forgotten about
herself, and isn’t it her that Rei said she loves?
“I’m sorry,” Asuka mumbles.
“It’s okay.” Rei’s hand nestles against her cheek, warm and loving and so very
much alive. “Asuka. It’s okay.”
“I was worried for you-”
“It’s alright.”
They’ve gotten closer together, somehow. Rei’s face, now so close to Asuka’s
that it lacks definition, shines silver under the moonlight. Asuka keeps
clinging to Rei’s other hand, afraid to let go. If she lets go, she thinks, she
might blink and find the bed cold and empty, and realize it wasn’t Rei that
Section 2 brought back, but just her belongings and the ghostly memory of her.
“Asuka.” Rei’s fingers push forward and glide along Asuka’s skin, following her
jawline. There’s no space left between them, now. Rei’s lips push up against
Asuka’s, soft but firm. Asuka hesitates to close her eyes, uncertain. If she
did, would she still find Rei next to her when she opened them again? Frozen by
indecision, she doesn’t respond to Rei pulling away, to the inquisitive tilting
of Rei’s head.
The space where Rei’s lips had been is cold. Rei is still there in the bed, but
even this little absence of hers is something devastating enough that Asuka
pulls herself, in one swift motion, across the bed and into Rei’s arms.
Their lips touch again, feverishly. The heat between them is a tangible thing,
running from their mouths and filling the little hollows in their chests, the
remnants trickling down and pooling near their stomachs. It’s a feeling foreign
even to Asuka, who gasps after a moment and breaks the kiss to press Rei’s head
against her chest, holding her like an Angel, or the end of the world itself,
is pursuing them.
Rei’s eyes are looking up at her, full of concern. “I’m okay,” Asuka breathes.
Her words quaver in the little space between them, and neither of them believe
it.
“I will be fine, Asuka. You do not need to worry like this.”
“I can’t lose you.” Asuka is pleading, not with Rei, but with something else:
the world, who she’s convinced will not let her have this one thing, and is
determined to take it from her, too. “I don’t know what else I’d do.”
“I’m here.” Rei takes one of Asuka’s hands and slides it across her chest, to
her heart. “See?”
“You’re not going?”
“I’m not.”
Asuka nods, but still clings tightly to Rei’s shirt, incapable of letting go.
Rei has to pry her fingers off gently, one by one, in order to hold her hand.
“It’s alright,” Rei whispers to her.
No longer having anything to hold, Asuka’s hand begins to wander, finding a
resting place upon Rei’s hip. This part of her, too, is warm. Asuka wonders why
she’d expected anything else, but the fear is still with her, and again she
can’t let go. Her fingers, trembling, shake as they encounter the hem of Rei’s
shirt. She expects that Rei might pull back, or that Rei would tell her to
stop, but Rei is silent. The only sign that anything’s changed is the hint of
cool air that now slips into the gap between Rei’s shirt and her skin, but even
that is soon quickly forgotten.
Asuka’s hand travels slowly, unopposed, up beneath Rei’s shirt. Rei watches
her, pale cheeks steadily reddening, heart thumping faster against the fingers
of Asuka’s other hand. “Asuka,” Rei whispers, “Does this comfort you?”
“Yes.”
Rei moves closer; their legs bump together in a tangle, and a flush overtakes
Asuka’s face. Somehow, she manages to keep her bearing long enough to take
another kiss from Rei’s lips: a slow, drawn-out touch that begins with Rei
sliding her hands into Asuka’s hair and ends with a hushed sigh. “Asuka?” Rei
says, as she winds Asuka’s hair through her fingers. “Is this what love is
supposed to feel like?”
“I think so,” Asuka replies. She doesn’t want to tell Rei that she doesn’t
know, even if that’s the truth- she’d like to imagine what Rei feels for her
would really be love, and not some fleeting semblance of affection that
belonged to everyone else who’d made that claim before. Here in Rei’s
apartment, there’s love to be found. Their very presence here suggests a secret
partaking in something that’s eluded them both, and this fervent exchange of
touches is proof of that.
“Don’t stop,” Rei says, the words so quiet that Asuka could have imagined them,
if not for the feeling of Rei’s breath against her skin. Asuka’s hand wavers,
then runs slowly along Rei’s breast, taking in the softness of it. Rei lifts
herself off the bed, urging herself towards Asuka’s hand. Her eyes, wide and
full of wonder, follow the motions of Asuka’s arm. “Asuka…”
“Do you not like it?” asks Asuka. She wouldn’t be surprised if that was the
case. The only thing she’s ever accomplished by trying to be romantic or
affectionate was to drive others away.
“I do not understand this feeling.” Rei wriggles again beneath Asuka’s hand,
and the firm nub of her nipple scrapes Asuka’s palm. “I want more of it.”
Rei’s confession comes out hurried, so fast that Asuka nearly misses it. How
unlike Rei this is; it would usually be Asuka who resorts to blurting out the
things that bother her to say. Asuka nods in unmistakable acknowledgement, and
then she bends herself over Rei and kisses her again, this time on the side of
her neck. Rei’s lips part, not to kiss Asuka back, but so a high, unrestrained
whine can escape past them. Her hands leave Asuka’s hair, and now rest on her
back, well-trimmed fingernails tugging at the fabric of Asuka’s shirt.
“Are you still okay?” Asuka says. Rei manages a breathy yes and nuzzles the
side of her face into Asuka’s shoulder. These new sensations, hitting her all
at once, threaten to override her like before, but this time Rei feels there’d
be no consequence of letting herself go. She holds on though, attaching herself
to Asuka, refusing to be moved. If this is what they’re going to do, then Rei
will be the one to experience all of it, and not let herself be carried away.
Asuka’s hands, now wrapped around her breasts, begin kneading them together.
There’s a hint of surprise on Asuka’s face, like Rei imagines must be on hers.
Asuka’s never considered what another girl’s breasts would feel like, but now
she knows. If it weren’t for Rei looking up so expectantly at her, Asuka thinks
she might lower herself between them, wrap her arms around Rei’s waist, and go
to sleep there.
Another moment passes. Asuka’s hands, having failed to gain any reaction more
than a few shakes of Rei’s head, slow and stop. Rei looks up again,
imploringly, and now Asuka hears what she didn’t before, the rapid panting of
Rei’s breath that had been muffled against her shirt. Her fingers, tapping
persistently on Asuka’s back, voice the desire that she can put no words to.
Asuka shuffles back, widening the narrow gap between their bodies. Rei shifts
against her, and encounters Asuka’s hands, which now rest gingerly on her hips.
“Rei?” Asuka says. Her voice sounds strange, oddly thick, and there’s something
electric about her touch. “Look, if you don’t like what I’m doing, you stop me,
okay?”
“Yes,” Rei gasps, whatever will get Asuka to continue. She wishes she could
convey her wish that Asuka would never stop, that they could live in this
moment forever, but the expression of it is beyond her.
Asuka hooks her fingers into the lining of Rei’s skirt and pulls it down her
thighs; Rei, mistakenly convinced that Asuka wants it completely off, wriggles
it the rest of the way down and kicks it to the foot of the bed. Asuka’s hand,
with its rough surface and raised ridges of lingering calluses, explores the
delicate flesh of her thighs. Asuka is taking her time, but an inexplicable
urgency has taken Rei: she wants whatever Asuka is offering; she wants all of
it, and she wants it now. Rei craves at last, another thing she’s learned from
Asuka, and it’s this voracious need that spurs Rei to pull herself up Asuka’s
body, laying a kiss at the base of Asuka’s throat.
The moan that Asuka releases is unlike anything Rei’s heard from her before. It
hints at a restraint that Rei’s never seen from her before, that Asuka’s never
been given reason to apply. Something about the way Asuka is moving now tells
Rei that it’s always been here, but the privilege of seeing it will belong only
to her.
Asuka navigates one of her legs between Rei’s, parting them, and beneath her
Rei shivers at the cold. “It’s okay,” Asuka says. Rei smiles, and suddenly
Asuka wonders if it was herself she was really trying to reassure, rather than
Rei. She shouldn’t be nervous. There’s no standard for Rei to compare Asuka to,
but still Asuka finds herself worrying that Rei would not enjoy this, or worse,
find it forgettable.
Rei tilts her chin up. Her lips graze Asuka’s cheek. Her eyes speak
reassurances: she will not hate this; she will appreciate whatever Asuka wants
to share with her; she will remember it, and cherish it, and more.
Asuka slides her hand up along Rei’s thigh, and to her surprise, she encounters
a dampness that’s stuck, partly dry, to Rei’s skin. Rei is trying to kiss her
again; Asuka intercepts this one, and for several long seconds it would seem
they are the source of all the heat in the room: it gravitates toward them, and
emanates from them.
Emboldened, Asuka presses the heel of her palm upward, and Rei’s head nearly
knocks into her jaw as Rei jumps in her arms. She would react like this, Asuka
realizes. The Rei Ayanami from before would have had no use for bodily
pleasure. Rei lets out a breath, a sigh that turns into little yelps as her
hips buck against Asuka’s hand. Her fingers, still rigid against Asuka’s back,
become entwined in her hair.
There is no cold between them now, only the burning of their desire and the
heat emanating from between Rei’s legs. Some part of Rei understands what Asuka
wants; she parts them further, raising her face to look into Asuka’s eyes. The
redness on Asuka’s cheeks doubles, but Rei’s gaze has her transfixed. If she
breaks this contact now, the moment will be lost.
They both know, on some instinctual level, what should happen next. Carefully,
Asuka brushes Rei’s panties aside and runs a finger along her entrance. Rei
shudders again, shifting her hips, readying herself for this is that she and
Asuka are about to do. Then Asuka’s finger slides into her, and Rei shuts her
eyes and pushes her forehead against Asuka’s shoulder, realizing there was no
way to be prepared at all.
From somewhere seemingly far away comes Asuka’s voice, asking if she’s okay.
Rei nods, the tension she’s built up in her muscles beginning to fade, but then
Asuka shifts a little and the indescribable burning in her stomach returns.
Asuka, unaware of this, wiggles her finger a little, and yelps in surprise when
Rei’s nails dig hard into her back.
“Hey,” Asuka says. Her voice isn’t frustrated, as Rei imagined it would be, but
subdued. “Is everything alright?”
“This feeling…” Rei looks up, but Asuka’s figure is blurry and indistinct, and
all Rei can do is hold on to her. “It is too much.”
“Do you want me to stop?”
“No. You can’t.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” Rei says. “I will tell you if you should stop, like you instructed.”
“Alright.” Asuka draws her finger out, then pushes back in. Here must be the
source of all the warmth between them; Rei’s hold on her finger is strong, and
Rei herself can’t stay still, writhing around at Asuka’s side. Her eyes never
leave Asuka’s though: they demand her attention, absolute and undivided, and
will accept nothing less than that. Asuka finds that easy to give; she would
give all that, and much more, if it would mean Rei’s love for her would last
even one second longer.
Another finger prods at Rei’s folds. It stumbles, by accident, over Rei’s clit,
and Rei is seized by shaking. She’s close, so close, to something she doesn’t
know the nature of, but its approach is inexorable and she has Asuka beside
her, so whatever it is, they’ll experience it together.
“Don’t look away,” Rei whispers, breathlessly. She knows, or thinks she does,
that if Asuka looks away for even a second, she’ll lose this. She’ll be sent
falling from this high; she’ll disappear without fanfare, and they’ll be left
as they were before: two girls, sharing a bed, but made fully aware of the
limits of their feelings for one another.
“I won’t leave,” says Asuka. She whispers the words against Rei’s lips and into
her mouth. Her fingers, drenched in Rei’s fluids, now slide into her depths
effortlessly. The cords of Rei’s body, drawn taut, begin to sing like a bow has
been drawn across them. Here’s the soft gasps that Asuka draws from her, the
knocking together of their legs and the rustling of the sheets beneath them.
Rei stiffens, her back forming an arch. What leaves her is not quite a moan,
but something like it, tapering off with a whine into the now silent room.
Asuka, her task complete, leans over Rei to kiss her forehead, her cheek, and
draws her hand out from between Rei’s legs. She wipes it off on the sheets, and
with her other hand draws her fingers through Rei’s hair, now damp with sweat.
Rei’s eyes don’t focus on her, not at first, and even when they do they’re
still distant, as if Rei is somewhere else, watching through another’s eyes.
Asuka rests her head against the pillow, wrapping her arms around Rei’s waist,
holding her from behind. One moment passes, followed by another. The beating of
Rei’s heart returns to normal, and her hands find their places atop Asuka’s. A
sigh leaves her, long and satisfied, and she leans back against Asuka’s chest.
The room is still again. Asuka shifts around, trying to get still closer to
Rei, but there’s no space left between them for Asuka to be rid of. They lie
there, side by side. Rei reaches over her shoulder and sweeps Asuka’s hair
over, playing with the ends of it. “Thank you,” she whispers: two simple words
carrying the weight of her emotions, all of them, across the air to Asuka. A
pause- even her fingers stop moving, for a moment- “Would you like me to do the
same to you, Asuka?”
“What?” The question is such an unexpected one that this, of all things, is
what makes Asuka reconsider if this is all real or not. “No. You don’t have to.
I wanted to do that for you.”
“And I wish to return the favor.” Rei rolls over, now facing Asuka. Her hands
come up, caressing her face, still flushed, and her neck. “You’re nervous,” she
says. “Is something wrong?”
“Nothing-”
“Please do not lie, Asuka.”
“It’s fine!”
There’s no way for Asuka to free herself from Rei, not without pushing Rei
away. She can’t bring herself to do it. The warmth of Rei’s body against her is
something she can’t bear parting with, and the thought of it- rejecting Rei
like she’s been rejected, all over her own incompetency- makes her sick.
“Asuka, please.”
“I don’t want to disappoint you!”
“How would you disappoint me?” Rei’s fingers trail along Asuka’s bottom lip.
“You’ve given me so much already. I feel, because of you, and whatever that
was, it was not disappointment.”
“And what if I’m not good enough for you?” Asuka shakes her head, pushing Rei’s
hands to the sides. She’s about to say more, but Rei lunges forward with a
speed and urgency unlike her, covering Asuka’s mouth with hers.
Asuka’s eyes close, fluttering, as she surrenders herself. For this blissful
moment, her troubles are gone, and there’s just Rei. She feels herself being
pressed down into the mattress- Rei’s rolled atop her, and now the kiss is
deeper, bordering on ecstatic. At last, when Asuka thinks she’s about to run
out of breath, they stop and separate, though Rei doesn’t take her eyes off
Asuka. “See?” she says. “That’s what I think of you, Asuka. Nothing in this
world can make me feel like you do.”
“You’re not lying, right?” Asuka still hasn’t opened her eyes. She’s trying to
keep that image of Rei kissing her within her mind as long as possible, in
hopes that it might seep into her consciousness and bear her safely against the
tide of her worries. “You promise?”
“I promise.”
“Okay.” Asuka pushes a hand towards Rei’s face, gesturing her away. “Don’t
look. Close your eyes.”
“Asuka?”
“Just do- just trust me, please?”
Rei inches back, eyes shut, straining to hear the meaning of every one of
Asuka’s movements. The gentle rustling of fabric tells her nothing useful, but
more than once, something too warm to be the blankets brushes against her skin.
“Okay,” Asuka says at last. “You can look now.”
Again, Rei complies. She finds, unmistakably, that listening to Asuka’s
instructions is far easier than doing anything the Commander told her to. Asuka
could ask her to surrender Unit-00 and let her pilot it, and Rei would do it.
She knows too that it would never happen: Asuka, in a strange reversal, is more
content to give to her than take.
A third realization comes, just as Rei opens her eyes. Now, Asuka’s truly given
her everything. Asuka is naked beside her, having unceremoniously shoved her
clothes down to the end of the bed alongside Rei’s. Her arms, folded over her
stomach, are dotted with the raised bumps of gooseflesh; beneath them, Rei
glimpses freckles, more numerous in number than the ones on her face, and
easier to spot.
“Rei?” Asuka says. She repeats it again, waiting timidly for a response that
seems loathe to come. She grips tighter to her own arms, fingers leaving little
spots of white where her nails dig in and press the blood away. “Do you not…”
Her mouth works in silence, wondering helplessly: do you not like me, am I not
good enough, do you not think I’m beautiful?
“Don’t worry.” Rei moves alongside Asuka, touches her gently. Her eyes shine
bright in the darkness of the room, telling Asuka what she wouldn’t believe
otherwise: that in Rei’s eyes, Asuka is the single most beautiful thing on the
planet, worth having been made for, and perhaps having been made, truly, for
her. Asuka unfolds her arms, opening them to invite Rei in, so that she might
feel the rapturous warmth of Rei’s embrace.
They lie entangled in each other’s arms, exchanging kisses more often than
words, until Rei hoists herself up over Asuka. Her lips trail down the delicate
curve of Asuka’s neck, past her shoulders and between the slight dip between
her breasts. Asuka squirms, wriggling under Rei, a half-hearted attempt to get
free. One hand digs at the mattress, the other finds the top of Rei’s head and
rests there, indecisive, unable to do anything.
Rei reaches the flat plane of Asuka’s stomach. She lingers there for a while,
peppering more kisses on Asuka’s body: near her freckles, in between them,
sometimes on them. Asuka lies motionless, only the hard sound of her breathing
betraying that she’s awake. When Rei’s fingers touch the insides of her thighs,
she shudders, then goes back to lying still.
Now Rei comes to a decision. She’s reached that little dip between Asuka’s
legs, wet and glistening, and doesn’t know what to do. She could do what Asuka
did before, but the thought of doing so feels desperate, somehow insufficient.
A sudden inspiration strikes her, strange but logical: if kissing is how one
expresses their love, then she should kiss Asuka.
Rei lowers her mouth to Asuka’s folds, and instantly is gratified by a
reaction. Asuka’s legs spasm; her knees try to come together, but Rei is in the
way. Asuka settles instead for a quiet, breathy whimper. Her gaze settles,
imploringly, on Rei’s face. There’s enough pride left in her to keep her from
asking verbally for more, but there’s no hiding the needy rolling of her hips
or the hot, wet breaths leaving her.
So Rei kisses her again. This time, her tongue slips out, and Asuka’s taste
fills her mouth. No one word is capable of describing it; she tries again, and
Asuka’s next gasp seems to echo from the walls themselves.
Asuka still hasn’t said anything. Her fingers, woven into Rei’s hair, push at
the back of her head, urging her forward. Rei’s tongue works in a slow circle,
testing Asuka for places more sensitive the others. The process is slow- Asuka
is loathe to react with much- but Rei’s patience is rewarded with hushed cries
and Asuka’s fingers tugging at her hair. Each gesture seems to contain all the
urgency in the world. Already Asuka’s back has begun to lift off the bed, and
her breaths run together in a continuous, unceasing gasp.
Asuka’s needed this, Rei realizes. It isn’t about the release for her, but
everything that leads up to it: the kisses, the touches. Rei swipes her tongue
along the gentle rise of Asuka’s clit, and suddenly Asuka’s gone; she’s not
even trying to keep her voice down; she’s shaking so hard that the bed springs
wobble in protest. Rei wipes off her mouth and crawls up to Asuka’s side,
gazing into her eyes. Asuka isn’t in the room with her right now: she’s off
soaring into the far reaches of her mind, usually reserved for her few happy
memories or fantasies of her own success. Rei’s given her a gift that won’t be
forgotten, and secured herself a second, more solid promise that she’ll be
remembered.
Asuka’s eyes are still unfocused, yet she detects the presence of Rei beside
her. She curls her body against Rei’s, not to hold her but to be held, nuzzling
into the curve of Rei’s neck. Rei obliges her, encircling her with thin arms,
holding Asuka with all the love she knows, and everything that she’s free to
give. Asuka shudders once again, still caught in the throes of ecstasy. She
looks up at Rei, centered in her field of vision, focusing on her to the
exclusion of the world around them. Her hand runs down the side of Rei’s face,
brushing away the hair and the sweat.
“Rei,” Asuka whispers. Her voice is so soft that it doesn’t seem like hers, but
it can’t be coming from anyone else. “Thank you.”
Rei inclines her head. Their lips touch, briefly. Asuka can’t stop looking at
Rei, and the reverse is also true: the air around them, still charged, makes
severing this connection impossible. They stare at each other, taken in by the
other’s eyes, slowly nodding off together. Sleep is too happy to receive them,
and as they slip beneath, the ripples they create spread outward, brushing past
each other, until the room and the space between them is filled not only by
their quiet breathing, but the echoes of their happy dreams.
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