Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/444578.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      South_Park
  Relationship:
      Eric_Cartman/Kenny_McCormick
  Character:
      Eric_Cartman, Kenny_McCormick, Kyle_Broflovski, Stan_Marsh
  Additional Tags:
      Yuletide_2003, Explicit_Language, Humor
  Stats:
      Published: 2004-01-02 Words: 1026
****** An Afterlife Afternoon in South Park ******
by kattahj
Summary
     Kenny comes back to haunt Cartman.
Cartman narrowed his eyes and glared at Kenny. He also glared at the wall
behind Kenny, since Kenny was somewhat transparent, but that could hardly be
helped.
"You're dead," he said. His voice was very accusing.
Kenny shrugged. "Mhm?"
"What the hell do you mean, 'so'? So you're *dead*, dude! You're supposed to
lie in the ground and *rot*, not walk around all see-through and gay and...
hey, those are *my* cheesy poofs!"
He tried to slap Kenny's hand away from the precious cheesy poofs, but
connected only with thin air.
"Dude, that's so fucking unfair!"
Kenny's mouth was hidden under the hood of his parka, but his entire face was
grinning as he stuffed himself with cheesy poofs.
"You're not even supposed to eat, you dead fucker!"
"Mhm *hm* mphm hmhm mphm, fhmer!"
"Yeah, well, they took it out, so fuck you!"
Kenny sighed and sat down on the floor, legs crossed. He stared at Cartman
until the fat kid started squirming.
"If this is about that money I owe you..."
"Mphm."
"Good. 'Cause fuck it if you're getting any."
"Mphm hm."
"And you're not getting any of *that* either. Didn't you, like, go to heaven?
Dude, you should be totally happy now and stop haunting us."
Kenny didn't answer, just took a few more cheesy poofs. This really pissed
Cartman off. He started waving his arms and screaming, and when his friend
still paid no attention, he got up on a chair and started singing:
"You're supposed to be in heaven and not hang around here,
so get a clue, you bastard, you'd better disappear
You're pissing me off, I'll tell you loud and clear,
you can eat me!"
Kenny stopped eating cheesy poofs and got up, only to fall on his knees in
front of Cartman.
"That's right, you dumbass! Respect my authoritaaAARGH! What the fuck are you
*doing*?"
"Mhm hm."
"That's not what I meant!"
A knock was heard from the door, followed by Cartman's mom peeking her head in.
"Honey, are you all right?"
"Uh, yes, just fine," Cartman said, quickly doing up his fly again. Kenny had
chosen this time to go invisible. All Cartman could see was another cheesy poof
leaving the bag and disappearing into an invisible mouth.
"I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!" he hissed quietly, failing to grasp the
metaphysical impossibility of killing someone who was already dead.
"What did you say, dear?"
"Uh, nothing... I just want more cheesy poofs. Yes, that's it! cheesy poofs,
and cake, and a bottle of Pepsi!"
"Yes, dear," his mom said, closing the door.
A little while later, Kenny's transparent astral body became visible again. His
eyes were sparkling with mirth, and his hand was still reaching in under
Cartman's pants.
"You boner-biting bastard," Cartman said. "You're evil, dude. They shouldn't
have let you into heaven no matter how many times you saved the world."
Pause.
"So... could you keep going?"
Kenny started moving his hand again, and after a while let his face sink
through the cloth as well. Cartman uttered a muffled "fuuuuuck", feeling his
knees go weak. If Kenny had learned this stuff in heaven, the place might be
worth going to.
The door opened again. "Here's the food you wanted, dear. And your friends are
waiting in the hall to see you. Should I let them in?"
"No!" But what the hell, Kenny was invisible again... and it might seem
suspicious if he refused. "Okay, okay, they can come in. But they can't have
any cake!"
"All right, honey."
Cartman sat down on his bed, and as an afterthought put a pillow in his lap,
and the bag of cheesy poofs on top of the pillow. None of this seemed to affect
Kenny's enthusiasm any, but then, there was no reason why it should. The guy
was a ghost, even if he didn't act it.
"It'll just be five minutes," Cartman muttered to the bag of cheesy poofs.
"Hey, Cartman!" Stan said, showing up in the doorway along with Stan. "Are you
coming to the movies with us? They're showing Asses on Fire 2!"
"No... I think I'll stay here." Cartman squirmed a little. He found it a little
hard to keep his cool and kicked Kenny slightly to get his undead friend to
chill it for a while. The tingly feeling of Kenny's ghost body withdrawing was
nearly enough to make him come in his pants.
"Dude, come on, it'll be cool!"
"No, I got to eat my snacks," said Cartman, defensively grabbing the large
slice of cake his mother had brought him. Normally, he would have demanded an
even larger one, but right now he barely noticed the too normal size of it.
"Cartman, you fatass," Kyle said, losing patience, "are you just gonna sit here
all fucking day stuffing yourself?"
"What the fuck do you care?" Cartman yelled. He didn't like being called a
fatass. "I can sit here all fucking day if I want to, and you're not getting
any of my snacks, so piss off!"
"Dude, take it easy." Kyle frowned and gave Cartman a glance that was a little
bit too smart for comfort. "What's your fucking deal? You're weirder than
usual."
"I'm not weird! I just want to be left alone with my snacks! Respect my
authoritah, dammit!"
"Come on, Kyle," Stan said, grinning a little. "We'll have much more fun
without him."
Kyle started to say something, glanced at Stan, and swiftly closed his mouth. A
grin wider than Stan's spread over his face. "Yeah, okay. See ya, dipshit."
Grins like that were never good, but right now, Cartman was only interested in
having his friends get their asses out of his room so he could get back to
Kenny. He muttered a four-letter farewell phrase and then held his breath until
he heard the door fall shut behind his friends.
"You can come out now," he told Kenny. "And... uh... continue."
But Kenny didn't answer. He had gotten tired of waiting and was on his way back
to heaven, soaring up through the sky while he thought of the large-breasted
women that awaited him.
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