Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10917747.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural
  Relationship:
      Castiel/Dean_Winchester
  Character:
      Castiel, Dean_Winchester, Sam_Winchester, Gabriel, Jo_Harvelle, Naomi_
      (Supernatural), Chuck_Shurley
  Additional Tags:
      Abused!Cas, Circus!Dean, Friendship, Love, Growing_Up, Summer, Frogs,
      falling_in_love_when_you're_a_kid, Dean_Jo_Cas_and_Sam_are_best_friends
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-05-16 Words: 17718
****** All We See Is Sky For Forever ******
by Yankingthechain
Summary
     When Castiel is seven years old, he's got bruises on his legs, dead
     brothers and a mama who hates the fact that he's the one who lived.
     When Castiel is seven years old, the circus comes to town.
     When Castiel is seven years old, he meets Dean Winchester.
     ****************************
     A story of friends, endless summers and the one boy who he's always
     loved.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
Castiel remembers when the circus came to town for the first time, the air was
thick with dust and the rain beat down hard even though it was the middle of
summer and everyone was miserable except him, how could he be miserable? It was
the first time he met Dean Winchester.
*******************************************
He remembers wearing a yellow raincoat and bright red shorts, a stupid thing to
remember but something that sticks out in his head regardless, the circus had
rented the big field at the bottom of the road he lived on, the one with the
endless hordes of daisies and dandelions that Castiel spent most of his free
time in, looking for frogs in the incessant downpour that had lasted all
summer.
His Mama had stared at the big tent with disgust from the kitchen window, her
hands were submerged in the soapy water and she wore the familiar scowl that
Castiel had gotten used to seeing on her beautiful face since his brothers
died, "Dirty travellers," She mutters offhandedly, looking back to the sink and
Castiel stands around at her side, his hands clenching around the gingham tea
towel. He wasn't quite tall enough yet to see out the window yet, but he knew
whoever was there was an Interesting Person.
Mama hated Interesting People, they passed by them all the time in town, people
with piercings, people with coloured hair, people with rips in their jeans and
buckled boots. Castiel thought they were Interesting with a capital 'I', he
wanted to see, but he wasn't tall enough.
"I don't want you playing in that field anymore Castiel, not until those people
are gone." She didn't ask, she never asks, she tells him, and Castiel sighs
quietly, knowing his days of playing with the frogs were long gone.
"What was that, Castiel?" She asked sharply, and Castiel jumped.
"Nothing Mama," He answers quickly, he still remembers last night's punishment
from when he tracked mud on the floor and he didn't want a repeat.
She nodded and handed him another plate, and he continues to dry dutifully.
It wasn't till later that he thinks about it again.
He wants to see the frogs really badly. There was one, who was only little and
his name was Ricky, Ricky was his friend and he was smaller than all the rest
of them, he probably wants to see Castiel too. Mama was in the living room, she
was drinking again, and Father was in the study, he was drinking too. They
drank a lot, since it happened.
Gabriel, his older brother, was back from college, but he'd probably yell at
him if he tried to talk to him. Mama said Gabriel was stressed about school,
all Castiel knew was that Gabriel didn't play with him anymore. It was okay
though, Mama said Gabriel was gonna be a doctor, and Doctor's are important.
Despite everyone being in, the house was shockingly quiet like always, and it
was easy enough to slip out the kitchen doors. He remembers his raincoat, but
not his wellies and he wonders if his Mama will be angry about him getting his
sneakers dirty. He thinks about Ricky, all alone with no other frogs playing
with him, and decides it's worth the risk.
It's raining pretty profusely as he walks down the gravel road to the field
where he plays, his skinny legs are already wet by the time he gets to the
gate, and like always, it's too heavy for him to move so he climbs over it, if
Mama seen him, she'd call him dirty mongrel and slap his legs. It's a good
thing she can't see him.
He plods through the field, it's pretty much packed with caravans though and he
hopes that none of the frogs are injured. He wonders if he should go and get
bandaids, they have some zoo patterned ones in the medicine cupboard, but he'd
ask to get Gabriel to reach them for him and Gabriel would be a butt about it.
He decides that plasters are dangerous for frogs anyway.
All the Interesting People are locked away in their homes, hiding away from the
rain, and Castiel hurried past them to the pond he knows is hiding at far
corner underneath a clump of trees. He gets there and finds he's not the only
one to brace the rain.
"Hello," He says cautiously and the other boy whips around so fast he blurs,
he's about Castiel's age, maybe a bit older, with the greenest eyes he's ever
seen. They're amazing. He's a little dumbstruck until he realises that the
boy's holding Ricky, and that's his frog. "Ricky!" He says excitedly, stepping
forward and taking the frog without asking. He frowns at his own lack of
manners, Mama would hate it.
"That was rude-you can take him back?" He offers, but the little boy stumbled
back, and then stumbles back again until he was turning and running away off
towards the caravans. Castiel frowns after him, but then Ricky squirms in his
hands and his attentions are turned to other places.
***************************************
Mama sleeps late and Dad never really cares what he gets up too, so he makes
his way back down to the fields the next day, despite the bruises on his legs
from Mama discovering the mud on his clothes screaming at him not to. But Ricky
had been so sweet last night, and he'd found Ella and Oliver too, and they
wanted to see him as badly as he wanted to see them, so he disregarded his
mother's warnings and crept out of the garden before anyone else was awake.
The rain has let up slightly, but the grass is still mucky beneath his feet, he
swings over the gate and then sits, awestruck at the site before him.
A large tent has appeared overnight, big and blue with red stripes and it's
possibly the prettiest thing he's ever seen, his mouth drops open a little and
he sits on the gate, gaping.
"She sure is pretty, isn't she?" A man with light brown hair grins at him and
he startles so hard he almost falls right off the gate, the man darts forward
to catch him and helps him down off the gate. "You ever seen the circus kid?"
Castiel shakes his head, staying quiet and the other man laughs. "My boy is
almost as quiet as you buddy," he says and Castiel wonders if his boy is the
green eyed boy he met last night, they have the same smile.
It's a nice smile.
"So if you're not here for the circus, what are you here for?"
"The frogs!" Castiel blurts out excitedly, he feels a little mortified when the
man's eyebrows raise a little, "The frogs in the pond at the back of the field,
they're my friends."
"That pond?" He jerks his thumb in the direction of it and Castiel nods. "I
think my kid is at that pond, you wanna go see him?" Castiel doesn't know how
to tell him he only came to see Ricky, Ella and Oliver, not some kid he doesn't
really know, so he nods a little reluctantly and lets the adult lead him around
the field he knows better than him.
"Hey!" The man says once they get close enough, and his voice is booming enough
to make Castiel jump. Nobody is loud in his house, his father speaks in a soft
voice whenever he does speak and his mother snipes in sharp, pointed sentences,
no one is jolly in his house, no one is like this man.
The little boy at the pond is the one from last night, only he's in the pond,
something Castiel's never dared to do. He's holding his shorts up higher around
his thighs and kicking the water at a girl perhaps a year older than them,
who's laughing and letting the hen of her dress get soaked as if her Mama
wouldn't be upset. All Castiel can see is them hurting the tadpoles swimming in
there.
"Get out!" He exclaims, running out from behind the man and waving his arms,
"Don't step on the baby frogs! You'll hurt them!" The little green eyed boy
looks grief stricken, and glances down at the water for any frog related
casualties, the girl, however, blows a raspberry and splashes water at him
purposefully, his white tee-shirt gets marked with the muddy water and his lip
wobbles a little. Mama will be so mad.
"Hey Jo-Jo, don't be mean." The older man scolds lightly, and Castiel looks
beseechingly at the water mark on his otherwise pristine clothes, Mama didn't
like it when their clothes got dirty, and Castiel didn't really like the belt
she used when he was really bad.
He wants to push her over, but Gabriel says they don't hit girls, not even when
they hurt the frogs. Instead, he drops carefully to the ground to search for
any trampled on frogs, he doesn't find Ricky, Ella or Oliver which is thankful,
but he does find a squished toad and his heart drops.
"Oh no," he whispers softly, lifting it out of the grass and not caring that
his hands get sticky, it's his fault, he should've been here to keep them safe.
His eyes well up a little and he feels ridiculous, a seven year old crying over
a stupid toad.
He hopes it wasn't Ricky's dad that he killed.
"Did I do that?" It's the little boy, he sounds horrified. When Castiel turns
around he's just behind him, barefoot and legs wet, his father has disappeared
back towards the tent.
Castiel hides the worst of the damage with his hands, but it's too late, the
kid drops his beside him and takes the mangled critter from him, he holds it
delicately to his chest, not seeming to care about dirtying his shirt, "I'm
sorry," Green eyed boy whispers softly, and when he looks back up, Castiel is
startled by the tears in his eyes.
"We should burry him," he says and Castiel finds himself nodding.
"You can't burry a toad! It's dirty!" 'Jo-Jo' remarks casually and whenever the
boy and when Castiel look at her imploringly, she sighs and goes to find a shoe
box.
She can't find a shoe box, so they make do with a cereal box and some beach
spades that green-eyed boy, who's name he learns is Dean, produces after a few
minutes rummaging in one of the trailers, Castiel waits outside holding the
frog, not against his chest like Dean does, but out in front of him like a
prayer. Mama's already going to be mad about the mucky water stain, there's no
point in pushing her.
Castiel knows the field best, so it's him that leads them into the forest
attached to find a safe space far away from the other frogs, he doesn't want
them to find their dad trapped in a Lucky Charms box, all dead and stuff. They
bury him silently and Dean looks up at him purposely when they dump the last
mound of dirt on top.
"Say something! You're supposed to say something at a funeral." Dean says
knowingly and Castiel nods.
"Mama made a speech at my brother's funerals." He says informatively and Dean
and Jo look at him shocked.
"Your brothers are dead?" Jo asks, clasping a hand over her mouth.
Cas nods, he's never remembered his brother much, so he never gets it when
people are shocked "Lucifer, Michael and Jimmy, when I was really little, like,
four. It was very sad." He says, then frowns because he's not allowed to talk
about it, not allowed to talk about Them. No one is allowed to talk about Them
in his family. Not even Gabriel, and he tries.
"How did it happen?" Jo questions and Dean elbows her sharply.
"Don't ask him stuff like that-" he looks at Castiel with a soft look in his
eye, "You don't have to answer, not if you don't want too."
Castiel wants to tell him anyway, even though he's not supposed to, "It was a
car crash, Jimmy was our age-we were twins."
Dean reaches out and touches his face lightly, Castiel realises he's crying,
"Do you miss him?"
Castiel wonders if he does, he can't really remember him, he remembers seeing
flashes of himself, with brighter eyes and neater hair, Mama was a lot happier
then. He misses Mama more than he misses Jimmy, he wonders if that makes him a
bad person.
His lower lip wobbles and instead of making him answer, Dean wraps his skinny
arms around him, Castiel wants to enjoy it, but all he can think about is the
stain on Dean's shirt pressing into his.
"I'm sorry about your brothers Cas," Dean whispers and Cas nods. He feels like
a little kid. He wonders if he's crying over his brothers or the frog.
"We should get some flowers, for the grave." Jo pipes up and Castiel pulls
away, wiping at his eyes subtly and nodding. They each come up with a handful
of squashed looking daisies that they sprinkle on top, they stand on it and
look on in silence.
They're much too old to be only seven.
***************************************
Mama finds out where he was and he gets punished so severely that he has to
wait another couple days before going back down to the field, he stands on a
stool in the bathroom every morning and hopes that the bruising around his eye
goes down enough that it won't be noticeable.
He's not that old, but he's old enough to know that Mama isn't a normal Mama.
Gabriel yells at her when he sees it and goes back to college early, he tells
him to come with him but there's no where for him to go there, so he stays and
Gabriel cries when he pulls out of the drive way.
Dad gets quiet, he opens his mouth as if too say something but instead gets out
a drink instead, it's early in the morning. Mama cries harder than Gabriel did,
kissing his head and promising to be a better Mama. Castiel knows she won't be
a better Mama, because it's the same every time but it's okay, he's used to it
by now, so he just stays quiet and tells her he loves her.
She's sorry enough to let him go out and play, and he treks down to the field
with his yellow raincoat on and hops over the big gate. People are all over the
field, milling around, talking, laughing and Castiel bristles, he'll share with
Dean, and even Jo, but he didn't realise so many people would be in his field.
He puts his head down and runs to the pond, where Jo and Dean are playing with
a doll and pram, well, Dean's playing with the pram, Jo is scowling at the baby
doll as if it offended her personally.
"Cas!" She says, jumping to her feet whenever she sees him coming, Dean pushes
the pram away as if burnt and clambers to his feet also.
"I wasn't playing with it." He says defensively, looking harried. Castiel
shrugs.
"It's fine if you are."
Dean shakes his head frantically, "I wasn't, boys don't play with prams."
Castiel frowns, "I like to play with prams." He wasn't sure if he did, he's
never played with one, but he's pretty sure if he did, he'd like it.
Jo put her hands on her hips, "I don't like playing with prams," she threw the
doll into the pool as if to prove her point and Castiel gasps. He wonders what
Mama would do if he treated his toys so badly, and not wanting his new friend
to get into trouble, he wades into the pool, shoes and all to fetch the baby.
It wasn't deep, but the hems of his shorts got wet and his shoes were ruined,
he wondered if his dad might help him clean them, he'd ask Gabriel but, he
can't anymore. He cradles the baby tenderly and it drips all over his arm,
staring unblinking back up at him, it had a bunch of shocking golden curls and
brown eyes, dimples on it's plastic cheeks, it's red dress was sodden and so
was her soft cloth body, "She can't drown." Castiel said softly, and his voice
caught, he looks at Jo angrily, "You can't just drown your baby because you
don't like her!" He didn't know why he was so angry, he pushed the curls back
away from the baby's face and rocked unconsciously in the water.
"She's not my baby!" Jo spat back just as fiercely and Castiel's heart
clenched, he didn't want the baby to be alone.
"She's someone's baby!"
"Well then! She can be yours!"
Castiel reeled and he climbs out of the pond, "She's yours." He said fervently
and Jo leapt away from her as if she was poison, the baby dangled listlessly
from his hands and he pulled it back against the plastic of his wet coat. He
held it like the neighbour held her baby, one hand on it's legs and the other
cupping it's head, he felt like a mini-adult, he rather liked it.
"I don't want her-you and Dean can have her. You can be Daddies together." Jo
said plaintively, "Babies are for losers."
Castiel stroked the baby's wet hair thoughtfully, "I don't think babies are for
losers. I was a baby once. So were you, so was Dean!"
Dean looked on, his hands clenched tight around the pram, "Can I be a Daddy
with you, Cas?" He asked in a small voice, Dean was taller than him, by just a
little, but he did everything is a small way. He hunched, he spoke quietly, he
moved slowly. There was something so caring in him that made Castiel ache
firmly.
"Yes! But she needs a name!" Castiel didn't bother mentioning that baby's
usually had one mommy and one daddy, like Mama said, because he wanted to play
with Dean. Dean wheeled the pram over beside him and carefully took the baby
from him, he strokes her button nose and tiny plastic ears and said:
"I like Rosa."
Castiel grinned at him, "Rosa is a perfect name!"
Dean looks up at him with a matching smile that faded when he seen his face,
"Cas, your eye." He said faintly, and Castiel shakes his head firmly, he didn't
want to talk about Mama. Not with him, not with anyone. Mama was special, and
most of the time Castiel deserved it.
"She can't stay in wet clothes, she'll get sick." He says, ignoring the subject
and Dean falters slightly.
"There's a bag of baby stuff in the little tray thing under the pram," Jo says
sullenly then brightened, "Hey! If you two are the Daddies, can I be the dog? I
can like, bite people and bark-I'm really good at barking, okay-listen!" Jo
drops to her hands and knees and gave a loud bark, Castiel startled slightly
and he wags his finger at her.
"Bad dog! Don't wake the baby!" He scolds playfully and Jo laughs, crawling
around and barking. He finds the bag of baby clothes that Jo mentioned and the
pair of them change her into some denim dungarees. When she lies down her eyes
close, and when they pick her back up, her eyes open. Castiel likes to think
it's her special way of saying thank you. In his head, he promises her that
he'll never get angry at her for getting dirty, or getting mud in the hall. He
promises her that'll he'll love her forever.
They play together all summer, and even though Castiel gets in trouble a few
more times, it's the best summer of his life, he thinks about how much fun
he'll have whenever Jo and Dean start school with him in the fall, it's the
first time he's looking forward to going to school since he was little.
Near the end of summer, Castiel walks down towards the field a little later
than normal, he dropped a glass and Mama made him pick it up, so his hands are
a little sore, but when he gets there, the tent is gone and so is Dean and Jo.
And his heart is even sorer than his hands. He searches all over the field,
empty now of caravans, and finds no one but Rosa on the mucky ground by the
pool. He clasps her to his chest and tries not to cry on her too much.
 
The next school year is particularly rough, he doesn't like school, he's good
at it. But the kids are mean. He doesn't dare mention Dean, or Jo, or God
forbid, Rosa to them, because he knows they'll be horrid, they don't understand
him.
They think he's weird.
He turns eight on an unremarkable day in April, and even though he invites
everyone in his class, no one shows up. His Mama cries because she misses Jimmy
and Dad doesn't leave the office. Mama bruises his cheek when he doesn't say
thank you for his present quick enough, it's a remote control car. He doesn't
know why she bought it, then he remembers that Jimmy loved cars and that she
probably got them mixed up again. Gabriel skypes him from college and frowns at
the mark on his face. He usually tries to come home on Cas' birthday but this
year he didn't, he says he had a lot of work but Cas knows it's because he
isn't Lucifer or Michael.
There is a lot of photos of Gabriel grinning with Lucifer and Michael, but
there are none with him grinning with Castiel. Cas wonders if it's his fault.
Maybe Gabriel just doesn't like him.
Mama and Dad get drunk in different rooms and Castiel kisses Rosa on the
forehead before putting her back in her shoebox cot and hiding her under the
bed, then he lays down on his own mattress. He looks at Jimmy's still made bed
across the room and wonders what it'd be like if he was still here.
*****************************************
Castiel would be convinced the whole Dean and Jo thing was a dream if Rosa
wasn't under his bed, he goes to school everyday and goes to church on
Saturdays and Sundays with his Mama, he can't wait for the Summer to come back.
He wonders if Dean and Jo will come back with the Summer.
His question is answered when he gets off the bus on the last day of term and
the big top is already in the midst of being built. Seeing all the caravans and
people walking around makes a feeling not unlike hope burst in his chest, he
wants to cheer and dance and sing, but all his school mates are watching him
clamber off the bus so instead he gets off and waits until it gets out of sight
before he makes his way cautiously towards the field.
It might not even be the right circus, he doesn't want to get his hopes up, he
jumps over the gate anyway and is about to go to the pond when somebody screams
his name.
He turns around and there's Jo, sprinting towards him, her hair messed wildly
around her face and a manic smile across her face. She's grown, she's almost
taller than him now, and she flings herself at him with a vigour he cannot
return. He does hug her back, but to a lesser extent.
"Castiel! Wow! Look at your fancy clothes!"
Castiel blushes, he goes to a very Catholic school, and their uniform is a bit
ridiculous, a tie and a jumper and everything, it's so hot that he has the
sleeves pushed up around his skinny arms and he knows he looks faintly
ridiculous and unkempt, with his orange schoolbag still hanging off his
shoulders.
He tackled from behind in a bear hug from who can only be Dean, he puts his
face cheek to cheek with Castiel's and hugs him so gently Castiel wants to cry.
They feel like coming home.
"Cas! Come meet my little brother Sammy! He's big enough to come out and play
now!" Dean grabs one of his hands, and practically drags him across the entire
field to the Winchester caravan. There is a serious looking little boy sitting
on the steps beside a blonde woman who Castiel recognises faintly as Dean's
mother. Dean, who's still holding his hand. Castiel blushes bright red but
doesn't take it back, "Cas! Cas this is Sammy, Sammy, this is Cas! Momma! This
is Cas!"
Dean's mother is younger and her laugh would make the angels sing, "I'm seein'
that baby," she teases affectionately and Castiel knows that if he was that
noisy in his house, that his momma would probably get the special belt out.
"It's nice to meet you, sugar, I'm Mary."
Castiel nods and sticks out his hand formally like he does when he meets Dad's
business associates, "Nice to meet you, Mrs Winchester."
Mrs Winchester laughs raucously and instead of shaking his head, pulls him into
a hug instead, he stiffens against her, he doesn't know her like he knows Dean
and Jo. She seems to notice, and lets him pull away quickly without commenting,
"Well, aren't you a peach?" Castiel wants to tell her that no, no he isn't a
peach at all, he's an eight year old boy, but instead he just nods politely
because Mrs Winchester is an Interesting Person, despite her lack of buckled
boots and dyed hair.
"Sammy! You wanna come play with the frogs?" Dean asks vibrantly, and Sammy
looks up from his book with narrowed eyes, its odd, Castiel has never known a
four year old that could read.
"I'm good," he says, and his voice is a little sharp, Mary strokes a bundle of
dark curls away from his face and he sighs in irritation.
"You don't wanna go play with your friends?" Mary says, and Sam shrugs, he
looks small in the way that Dean used to at the start of last summer.
"They're Dean friends."
Castiel can't correct him, because it's true, last year San was too little to
come down to the pond and so Castiel only heard about him in stories. Although
he wouldn't really mind another friend, and Dean's been so excited about
introducing him to Sam since they met.
"I can't guarantee there'll be frogs. It hasn't rained much," the grass under
his shoes is dry and hard and he can't wait to strip out of his socks and shoes
and wiggle his toes in the pond, "But the water will be cool?" He offers and
Sam looks at him sceptically before turning to Dean,
"Can I come?"
Dean bounces on his feet, "Dude! Yeah! C'mon!" He drags Castiel towards their
corner and Sam chases after them, Jo's already there, up to her knees and
splashing. Castiel spares a thought for the tadpoles but disregards it with the
hopes that they'll move out of the way before they get trampled.
Castiel strips out of his ridiculous school shoes and black socks, rolls his
pants up to his knees and runs in, laughing and splashing, feeling the stress
of the year melt away within five minutes of being home again. Sam, with
complete disregard to his clothing, cannonballs in to the shallow pool and
resurfaces, grinning and spitting out water, he looks so much like Dean in that
moment that it's striking.
Castiel looks down at the dirt on his school uniform, he knows Mama will get
mad, he knows she's been worse than usual, but he's so happy that he couldn't
care.
Later, when Jo and Sam have gone to get dried off and it's just him and Dean
lying in the grass, baking in the afternoon sun, Dean says softly, "I'm sorry
we didn't tell you we were leaving." He reaches over and grabs Castiel's hand.
"It's okay." It's not okay, he's been so lonely all this time, he can't
remember a time this year when he's ever felt happy like he did last supper.
Gabriel didn't even come home for Christmas.
"It's not, we should've told you. We just didn't know how to say goodbye."
Dean says 'we' because he wasn't alone all year like he was, because he moved
around with the circus and had Jo and Sam and he probably had loads of fun.
Castiel thinks he should probably be angry at him, but he can't be. It's not
like he would've known how to say goodbye either.
Instead he curls close, puts his head on Dean's chest like they do in movies
and holds his hand, "I found Rosa." He doesn't realise the significance of what
they're doing, he's eight. There's nothing romantic at all about life when
you're eight.
"Is she okay?"
Castiel knows what he's asking, 'Did your mom find her? Is she in the trash
somewhere? Are you okay?' Instead he just nods against him, "She sleeps
underneath my bed."
"She likes the dark." Castiel knows that Dean's just trying to make him feel
better, no baby likes the dark. And their baby shouldn't have to stay in the
dark, just because Castiel's Mama has weird notions of things a boy should and
should not do.
"Yeah." He says, and they both know he's lying, but Dean doesn't yell at him
for lying. Castiel's never had a friend like Dean before.
After that day, Sam plays with the every time Castiel comes around, and he gets
really excited the first time he brings around Rosa, he wants to be an uncle,
although Jo gets fed up with being the dog and decides instead to be their pet
gorilla. Castiel wants to tell her that it's not likely that they'll ever get a
pet gorilla, but honestly it's equally unlikely that he'll ever get a pet dog
so he lets her play.
With Sam in the mix it's easily a better summer than last year, and whenever
Castiel heads down to the field to find it packed up and empty, he's not even
hurt, because he knows Dean hates goodbyes.
School is possibly even worse this year. Mama and Dad fight a lot, they shout
and it's loud. Well, Mama shouts, Dad sits at the kitchen table and gets
shouted at.
Chuck Novak has never been a man of many words, but he comes into Castiel's
bedroom just before he gets ready for bed and says "Castiel, I need to talk to
you, Sport." Cas goes still, Dad had nicknames for everyone, Jimmy was Sport
and Castiel was Buddy, Dad's got them mixed round and it makes Castiel hurt
inside.
Instead, he sits on the edge in the bed beside his father and lets him speak.
"Your mother and I...we're getting a divorce, Castiel. I'm gonna go move out
and go live with your Aunt Amara for a while," Chuck explains in soft voice,
everyone speaks to Castiel in a soft voice. He hates it. He hates that everyone
leaves him, he hates that Chuck didn't even give him the option to come with.
He hates that everyone forgot it was his birthday.
It's a stupid thing to be angry about anyway, birthday's are for kids, and he's
nine now.
Nine is too big for birthdays.
The next day his Dad is gone, he knows that last night was supposed to be his
goodbye, but it felt like an excuse.
Mama's been in an even fouler mood than usual, and when she hurts him she
doesn't apologise anymore. Although now, when he tells her he loves her, he
hates the fact that he doesn't know if it's true or not.
He hates a lot of things when he's nine.
He hates Sam, Jo and Dean all year until one sunny afternoon when he spots the
trailers piling into the field, and then he just misses them.
Nine's too old to play with dolls, but Dean does quietly ask if Rosa's okay and
Castiel nods yes before the other two notice. He pretends not to be hurt at
Dean's relieved smile, he promised he would never hurt her, he keeps his
promises.
Castiel doesn't tell them that his dad left, because he doesn't want to ruin
the summer, even though it's ruined anyway when they leave early, half way
through August.
The rest of the summer is miserable without them.
The rest of the year is miserable without them.
His tenth birthday is possibly the worst yet, he 'fell' down some steps and
broke both his arms, although it means he doesn't have to go to school for a
while.
He grows a lot that year, he's one of the tallest in his class now, one of the
girls, Meg, says he's cute. He doesn't want to be cute.
Whenever Jo and Dean finally come back, two weeks of July have already come by
and he can't open the gate because his arms are still in casts. He was supposed
to get them off a while ago, but he fell again, and wrecked the healing
progress.
"Cas! What happened your arms?" Dean asks aghast as soon as he sees him, he
knows he looks ridiculous, his hair won't lie flat and he's too tall, too
skinny, he's also got a split lip and two broken arms. He's a bit of a mess
really. He manages a lopsided smile for them though, and even though he can't
return Sam's hug, he smiles and appreciates it anyway.
He can't swim, so he just sits on the edge of the pond and swings his legs in
the murky water, letting the frogs hop over his casts. Jo splashes him from the
sides and makes jokes about him being helpless that makes him bite his tongue
in anger. He isn't helpless. He never will be.
When he goes home that night his mother has to help him take a shower, and she
cries at the bruises on his body and he can't even put his arms around her to
comfort her. For the first time in his life, he thinks Jo may actually be
right, he is helpless.
Once, when Mama's working late, Dean, Sam and Jo come over to his house. His
house is a relatively normal, four bedrooms for two people, a big kitchen, he
can see that they think it's massive, they do live in caravans. Castiel would
love to live in a caravan, you could fill it up with only one person. A party
could happen at his house and it would still be filled with ghosts.
They watch a film in the lounge and drink glasses of squash from citrus
patterned glasses, it feels stupid and silly, especially when he has to use a
straw and Dean keeps trying to help him. He feels ridiculous and when he snaps
at Dean, he cries. Dean doesn't mind though, he's the best friend Castiel's
ever had, he just moves closer and strokes his hair, and Jo holds his fingers
on the other side and Sam leans back against his feet. It's the first time the
house has felt full since forever.
He sneaks Dean upstairs and pulls Rosa out from under the bed, Dean smiles and
doesn't make fun of him, instead, he kisses her on the forehead and tells her
he loves her. Castiel wishes faintly that he'd do it to him.
When Castiel's mama comes home that night and sees four glasses in the sink
instead of one, she gets very angry. They don't come to his house again. They
spend the rest of the summer outside, and Mary Winchester throws a mini-party
whenever his casts come off, complete with a little cake and everything.
Castiel closes his eyes and pretends it's his birthday.
It's the best birthday he's ever had.
This year, whenever Dean, Jo and Sam leave, he's already started back at
school, and it doesn't hurt as much when they don't say goodbye.
School is middle school now and he feels too young for it, but they've started
to notice his ridiculous amount of injuries, but he creates a story that he's
just horrendously clumsy and falls a couple times in the playground to back it
up. It's humiliating, but worth it.
Gabriel comes home for Christmas, and he hugs Cas so hard his ribs ache.
Castiel wants to yell at him, he wants to hit him and scream at him. Instead,
he hugs him back just as hard.
Mama's not so bad when Gabriel's home, and it's the most peaceful week he's had
all year, Gabriel is an amazing cook, and he spends a lot of time in the
kitchen and Castiel sits with him, they don't speak but it's not an awkward
silence. It's peaceful. Gabriel teaches him how to play chess with an old set
from Dad's study and Castiel immediately thinks of how he'll teach Dean, Jo and
Sam to play when they arrive.
It's a little horrifying to think that even when they're not here, all Cas does
is think about them, but Mama has a fit whenever she sees them using Dad's
stuff, and whenever Gabriel goes back to school she puts the whole thing in the
trash.
Despite that, it's a good Christmas. He wonders how Jo, Dean and Sam celebrate
Christmas, they're probably not religious, and don't spend three hours in mass
like he does, they probably get presents too, Castiel got gifts too, Gabriel
bought him a book about bees and mother bought him a new coat. It's a lot like
the one he had when he first met his friends, still the same plasticky material
only now it's a ridiculous blue colour. He knows school will make fun of him
for it, but he kind of likes it.
He'll be careful to keep it clean.
Like always his birthday passes quietly, only now he's eleven and he's thinking
about his brother. He wishes he could remember more about Jimmy, but all he can
remember is that his hair always lay flat and he really liked cars and trains.
He was going to be a priest, he was Mama's favourite.
He knows that he always went to sleep when the light was turned off, and he
snored just a little, he was funny and he didn't think Castiel was weird. He
thinks maybe they were friends, maybe.
He wonders what Jimmy would do if he was the one that died, he wonders if he'd
spend his eleventh birthday sitting on the edge of his bed looking at the empty
one across the room, it's not been changed since he died, nothing in the room
has changed since he died, except for maybe him, and they're all covered in a
fine layer of dust.
He shakes his head and goes to sleep.
Sam's got taller, whenever summer rolls around and it's just him waiting by the
gate. He's reaching Castiel's shoulders and he knows he's going to be a horse
one day, "Dean and Jo are old enough to be in the show, so, it's just us." He
looks almost apologetic, Castiel feels slightly disappointed he won't see his
friends that much this summer, but at least he has Sam. He offers to teach him
how to play chess, with a piece and paper and some stones. Sam loves it, and
soon he's even better than Cas.
It's dark by the time Jo and Dean finally make it to the pond, and Castiel is
packing up his stuff to go home whenever he's tackled by a force from the side,
he lands sprawled in the grass with Dean on top of him, Dean's got on a wild
grin and he almost half a head taller than he was last year, there's smears of
glitter on his cheeks and Castiel has never missed someone so much in his life.
"Cassie!" Jo cries, flinging herself to the ground with them and tucking
herself under his arm, there's a collective 'oof' from all of them whenever Sam
sits astride Dean's back, looking immensely proud of himself.
These are Castiel's friends now, he doesn't need Jimmy.
Dean and Jo aren't around much that summer, but Sam is, and Castiel is thankful
for a quiet summer, even if he does miss them quite a lot, but Sam's very
mature for his age, and he's good company. They sit together on the log one
night when Castiel has dared stay out longer than normal and he knows he'll pay
for it later, but the fireflies are out and Sam is trying to capture them in a
washed out jam jar.
"Hey!" Dean says, coming up behind them with Jo's hand in his, Castiel frowns
at it. But he knows people have girlfriends when they're eleven and Dean and Jo
are both twelve, and Jo's very pretty, it makes sense that Dean and Jo would
get together.
Jo looks ridiculously smug, and Castiel tries to give them more space to be a
couple the rest of that summer, he spends a lot of Sam, it's a good summer, but
when they leave he's a little relieved.
It's a feeling he's not used too.
Mama starts drinking a lot, heavier than usual, one time she smashes a bottle
and advances on him, but she doesn't do anything other than make him clean up
the mess, he's good at it now, and he only nicks his finger a little bit. His
Dad comes to visit on Halloween, but Mama doesn't let him in the house, so he
just waves from the porch and Cas waves back from the top window, Dad looks
happy, clean shaven and not in a dressing gown, there's a man in the car who he
doesn't recognise, but Castiel supposes that's why he's so happy.
It's nice, to see him happy.
Gabriel doesn't come home for Christmas and Castiel doesn't blame him. He
doesn't have much money to get him a proper present, but he gets him a cactus
and mails it to him, he doesn't get anything back, if he does, Mama doesn't
give it to him.
Mama's heavily intoxicated through mass, and his eye throbs from last night's
punishment. Whenever the priest looks at them sympathetically during the
prayers of the faithful Mama starts yelling abuse and Castiel basically pushes
her out the door, they don't go back next Sunday, or the Sunday after.
Jimmy used to love mass, he used to recite all the parables silently and sing
the hymns the loudest, Castiel used to mumble quietly whenever Mama looked at
him pointedly, but he never had the same enthusiasm that Jimmy did for mass.
Mama gets sick around his birthday, but he doesn't remember the exact date she
stops getting out of bed. She goes into hospital for a little while and even
though Castiel's twelve, Gabriel comes home to take care of him.
"Is Mama dying?" He asks Gabriel, he wishes he was more upset, but he just
feels numb about the whole things, Gabriel shrugs and Castiel pretends not to
hear him when he says
"God I hope so,"
Mama comes home and Gabriel goes back to college, she sleeps a lot, she can't
get out of bed to go get things so Castiel becomes her maid. He doesn't mind so
much, you can't be angry at dying people, and she doesn't have a lot of energy,
so she doesn't punish him as much.
Summer comes and goes but he doesn't see Dean, Sam or Jo at all even though he
can see the big tent from his bedroom window, Mama's been getting progressively
worse recently, and she needs him a lot more than usual, Castiel wishes he was
more upset, but whenever she scowls at him and throws a glass of water at him,
he wishes privately in his head that she'd die faster.
He's never been less bruised in his life, despite the constant ring around his
wrists where she keeps dragging him closer to her face so she can yell in it,
it's like she knows how much he hates yelling, how much he hates her. And it's
probably why the old bat chooses to die on Christmas Eve.
He gives her her water, ducks when she throws it at his head but he doesn't get
out of the way fast enough and the thing smashes against his cheek, it leaves a
long red cut that bleeds instantly and Castiel hisses out a silent curse. He
fetches her a replacement water and goes to bed, trying not to get blood on the
pillow. He wakes up in the middle of the night to her yelling for him, but he
doesn't feel like dragging himself out of bed to go get her water, or help her
to the bathroom, so he ignores her and when she gets quiet, he assumes she's
fallen back to sleep.
He's wrong.
Castiel wakes up and immediately knows she's gone. The house feels the same as
it did after his brother's died. That quiet dusty feeling, he wants to curl up
in his bed and give in, he wants to be dead with her. But why should he break
into piercings for her? He's an adult now, he's been an adult since he was four
years of age. He gets out of bed and runs as fast as he can to his Mama's
bedroom. There will be no time for tears tonight.
She's still.
The sheets are messed up around her body, her eyes are open and her thin dark
hair is spread out on the pillow. She looks infinitely younger when's she dead
than she did when she was alive. It's the most ridiculous paradox he's ever
come across and it's now that only when she's dead, has Naomi Novak officially
became an Interesting Person.
He doesn't call an ambulance because there's no point. He goes downstairs,
calls Gabriel and waits on the sofa for him to arrive. It's a six hour journey
from Gabe's university to their house, but Castiel doesn't move an inch, his
arms around his legs and his face buried in his pyjama bottom covered knees.
It's his fault.
When Gabriel arrives, it's in a whirlwind, he doesn't even go upstairs to their
mother, he just drops his keys on the floor and pulls Castiel into his lap,
Gabriel is short and Castiel is tall for his age, but because he's so thin it's
not uncomfortable, Gabriel's warm around his cold body, and he only starts
crying whenever his brother smooths his hair away from his forehead like his
Mama used to do before everything went wrong.
*******************************************
The funeral takes place just before New Years, three days after the death as
per catholic custom. Not many people show up, Castiel and Gabriel sit in the
front row in stiff black suits. Apart from them, and a distant cousin, the only
other people there are the people that would've been at mass regularly.
Castiel thinks back distantly to the funeral they had for the frog, it was a
lot more special for a frog than it is for his mother. Castiel reads the
prayers of the faithful in a scratchy, thick voice and Gabriel gives a speech
about how wonderful their mother was. Castiel is really the only one who
recognises the sarcastic tone in his voice. He wants to laugh, but he reckons
it's inappropriate to laugh at your own Mama's funeral, Gabriel catches his eye
when he talks about her kitchen skills and he has to make his laughing look
like he's crying.
The priest looks at him with an aching sympathy, and Castiel feels like a bad
Christian.
No one comes back to the house after the burial to mourn her, so he and Gabriel
split a platter of sandwiches and watch some trashy tv, he doesn't think about
what's going to happen to him now, because he doesn't really want to know the
answer.
"Hey, Cassie? Dad called." Gabriel says, a few days later, coming into his room
and sitting on the bed beside where Cas was reading his book, Castiel
immediately stills at the mention of his absent father, who apart from one
sympathy phone call, hasn't reached out at all. He wasn't even at the funeral.
"He asked me to tell you that if you wanted to move in with him, you could."
Gabriel takes a deep breath, looking older than his twenty-five years, Gabriel
used to be so goofy, full of jokes and laughter, now he's just as quiet as
Castiel, "I told him that I was going to start school online and that we were
going to stay here. Is that okay-I mean, is that what you want?"
Castiel imagines living in this ridiculous minimalistic house for the rest of
his life, he thinks about the echoing halls and the small fortune they
inherited from their mother. He doesn't want to move, he just wants to make the
house feel alive again.
"Can we redecorate?"
Gabriel smiles, and the next day they start throwing out all of their mother's
crap. Some of the better stuff they sell to an old happy lady with too much
money. The furniture that Cas really hates, they burn. The China cabinet where
Mama pushed him into and split his head, the kitchen table that bruised his rib
cage, all the books Mama kept in her bookcase that she used to throw at him,
all gone, in a fire.
Castiel points out each story idly as the bonfire begins and when he looks
over, Gabriel is crying.
"Was it that bad?"
Castiel doesn't answer and Gabriel hugs him fiercely, "I should've come sooner-
I didn't realise-Cassie, I'm sorry." Castiel wants to tell him that it wasn't
his fault, but his mouth won't make the noises so instead he just hugs him back
just as fiercely.
They paint all the rooms, bright colours that his mother would've thrown a fit
about, but she's dead so it doesn't matter. The bathrooms are aqua, the kitchen
is green, the hall is red and the living room is orange. They buy a huge
squashy sofa from a second hand store that's long and soft and a sandy colour
and it gives a little when he sinks into it. The seat is so wide that his feet
don't touch the ground and they cover the whole thing in a ridiculous amount of
patterned pillows. Gabriel finds an old, battered leather chair that he likes
and they replace all the dark oak furniture with pine.
The most shocking change however, is his bedroom.
Gabriel helps him haul Jimmy's bed out of his room, they donate it to a charity
shop because Jimmy doesn't deserve to be burnt. They cry as they pack up his
things, but it all gets donated as well, Mama packed up Michael and Lucifer's
stuff a long time ago, but she left all of Jimmy's stuff perfectly intact, like
a shrine of a person Castiel could never be.
The sickening green colour gets painted over with a dark purple colour, and the
train patterned bedsheets are burnt and replaced with some regular checked
ones. He puts all of the clothes that doesn't fit him anymore into a box that
they give to the neighbour's little boy, but Castiel can't bring himself to
throw out the fated yellow raincoat, so he hangs it up in his closet, he has a
lot more room for his stuff now that Jimmy's is packed away.
All Jimmy's school awards and certificates are packed away into the attic and
Castiel fills the shelves with books and pictures of him and Gabriel, he makes
a mental note to get pictures of Dean, Jo and Sam this year to add to the
collection.
The best part about his room however, is the bees.
It was Gabe that found him, on one of his treks to the market, a string of
lights shaped like bees that give off a soft yellow light. Together, they rig
them up around his bed and the glow in his room is mimicked in the glow of his
stomach.
Gabriel is loud again, banging pots, moving furniture, playing music and
singing along badly, he tells Castiel that he's not going back to med school,
but he's dropping out altogether to start at the culinary school a few miles
down the road, he's beaming when he tells him, and Castiel's brother is
suddenly an Interesting Person, Gabriel pierces his nose and gets a hippo
tattooed on his hip, Castiel isn't sure why, but it keeps the smile on his
brother's face so he doesn't question it.
Gabriel only shrugs when he asked to get his ears pierced, and a week later
there is a tiny black moon in his right ear, Gabriel laughs when he sees it,
but doesn't explain why. The kids at school laugh and call him gay, and when he
shrugs it off, the teasing falters. Schoolyard teasing doesn't hurt him
anymore.
He doesn't feel interesting yet, but he feels like A Person.
For his thirteenth birthday, Gabriel drags him to the cinema and they watch
some sci-fi movie with a space captain and a pretty alien, looking at the
attractive space captain, Castiel figures he might be at least a bit gay. The
man is stunning and blonde, he looks a little like Dean. Castiel doesn't think
about it.
Gabriel gives him a poetry anthology for his birthday, the poets in it are a
tragic dysfunctional couple who don't last, although their poems tell a tale of
great love and despair. He doesn't know why Gabriel thought he'd enjoy it, but
he's surprised that he did.
When summer comes along there is a peace inside him, he is thirteen, his mother
is dead, there are a string of bee lights in his bedroom, he is a Person.
He gets off the bus one day and Dean is waiting for him, it's the first time
he's seen him in two years. His heart beats faster, and his cheeks flush as the
other people on the bus ask him if Dean's his boyfriend, they're being horrid,
but Castiel is tempted to tell them that he is, just to see the shock on their
faces.
"Cas!" Dean waves as he clambers down the steps, taller and broader and a voice
deeper than last, he looks nervous, and he doesn't hug Castiel, Jo and Sam are
not with him and he bounces on the balls of his feet.
"Hello Dean," he says much like always and sensing the fact that Dean was going
to do it, he crossed the distance between them and hugged him tightly, Dean
squeezes him just as hard and it's gloriously familiar.
"Wow Cas, you're so-different." Dean says, he probably means the height, the
piercing, the lack of bruises, but Castiel likes to imagine he's speaking about
the light that radiates from his heart now, the peacefulness he can see in his
own ears when he looks in the mirror.
"My mother died." Castiel finds himself saying and Dean frowns, embracing him
again. He said it as an explanation, not as a plead for sympathy, but he's
happy to bask in Dean's closeness anyway.
"Dude, I'm so sorry." Dean says, hand warm on the back of his neck.
Castiel doesn't even hesitate before saying "I'm not."
Dean doesn't reply to that, but he has a feeling he understands. He brings Dean
to his house and Dean looks around open mouthed at the changes.
"Cas-you've changed everything!"
They have. They've changed everything about the house, even the people that
live in it. It feels like a home now, when Cas wipes his feet on the rainbow
welcome mat and shows Dean through to the kitchen. He wants Dean to meet his
last surviving brother, the one who gives the Novak name something to live for.
"You must be Dean!" Gabriel says, winking slightly, he's shorter than Dean,
Castiel notices with a jolt, in fact, he's almost shorter than Castiel, "I've
heard absolutely nothing about you!" He jokes and Dean settles himself on one
of Castiel's favourite finds, a stool with the seat shaped like a flower, his
mother's stools were shiny black slippery ones, they were burnt in the back
garden.
Gabriel yanks a pie out of the oven, pecan and honey. He's been experimenting
more and more with the sweet stuff, and Castiel's beginning to put on more and
more weight. He looks healthy now, Gabriel comments every time he sees him
poking his stomach in the mirror, he doesn't look so much like a corpse.
He doesn't feel like a corpse.
Dean, he learns, loves pie. Loves it so much that he eats three bits and talks
with his mouth full about how much he adores pie. There is glitter under his
eyes and his fingernails, Castiel realises that he's never once seen his act.
Gabriel allows them to go upstairs, calling after them sarcastically to leave
the door open. Castiel isn't sure why he says that, or why Dean flushes so
spectacularly at it, but he closes the door regardless and Dean gapes at his
room.
"I like the bees." Is his first comment.
Castiel's in love with him.
They sit on the edges on the bed, so close that their pinkies touch. Castiel
wants to hold Dean's hand, but he's not sure if he'd be allowed or not, so he
doesn't.
"We missed you last summer-we thought-we thought you didn't come become of me
'n' Jo." Dean whispers quietly, he doesn't look at Cas, instead he looks at the
window straight across from Castiel's bed, there is a huge oak tree that's so
large it's branches knock into the window at night, the birds sit on it often,
and Castiel likes looking at them. Castiel doesn't know if Dean's looking at
them because he wants to, or he's looking at them because he doesn't want to
look at Castiel.
"Mama needed me. She was very ill. I am-very happy, that you are happy with
Jo." It feels like a lie to say he's happy that Dean and Jo are together, so he
phrases it as best he can, he's not lying, just omitting. Somehow, it feels
worse.
Dean knocks his shoulder into Cas', "Yeah-I get that now. But me 'n' Jo aren't
together anymore. Don't know why we ever were to be honest."
Castiel looks at him sharply, "You aren't dating her anymore?"
Dean shakes his head, "Nah, I mean, we were twelve. We lasted like, three
months. She liked me, and Dad says if a girl likes you, you're supposed to go
out with her. So I did."
John Winchester is a very wise man, but he speaks a lot of bullshit.
Castiel laughs, a little raucously, and Dean starts giggling too until they're
flat on their backs and laughing at the glow in the dark stars Castiel
superglued to his roof. "You're my best friend Cas." Dean whispers, Castiel
inches his fingers over so that they touch, but neither of them make the leap
to entangle them.
"You're my best friend too, Dean."
Because he is.
The next day Gabriel books them tickets to see the show, and Castiel doesn't
tell Dean, Jo or Sam, because he wants to see the look of surprise on their
faces when they see him. Castiel has never actually been inside the tent, never
really seen what the stripes look like in reverse. He's never seen Dean in his
glory.
He and Jo work together, in shiny silver outfits, with glitter in their hair
and on their cheeks. Castiel never knew what they did, never knew their act.
They're a tight rope act. They dance, they jump, skip, twirl and leap, a
million miles away with nothing to protect them. They make everything look
effortless, and every minute they're up there Castiel feels his heart beat
wildly in his chests. Those people, in the tight shiny outfits, the ones that
look like the angels his mama taught him about, he knows those people, he's
seen those people barefoot in the grass, seen them with ice cream all around
their faces, he's seen them covered in muck and filthy pond scum and he's seen
them cry and laugh and shout and he's seen those angels fall.
He loves them.
Sam's too young to be in the show, but he sits beside Castiel on the hay bales
and joins him in looking amazed. Castiel wants simultaneously to drag them down
from danger and also never let them come back to earth. They're incandescent.
Dean comes up to him after, still in costume, the silver glitter on his
cheekbones making his eyes sparkle. He's nervous, a little jittery, "What'd you
think?"
Castiel says seriously, "I think you're amazing Dean." and it feels like a
prayer.
****************************************
Whenever July and August have been swept away, Castiel gets invited to a New
Year's Eve party by a pretty girl named Meg. He's not an idiot, he knows Meg
likes him, knows that when the ball drops she'll expect him to kiss her.
He's thirteen, and everybody else has already kissed someone, so he goes. The
party is a little more grown up than he's used too, nobody is giving out jelly
and ice cream. Instead, people are drinking alcohol as if it's a regular
occurrence, Castiel thinks of how his mother drank alcohol like it was tap
water, and declines a beer when it's offered to him.
He does kiss Meg though, just to see what the fuss is about. It's not
particularly exciting, her mouth is soft and wet and her hands play with his
hair, it's a nice feeling. But not something he'd chase again, he wonders if he
doing it wrong, he wonders if maybe it's because Meg's a girl.
On Monday, when Meg tells everyone they're dating, he lets her, but he's
thankful when they break up less than a month later.
On his fourteenth birthday, he and Gabriel go see a play and Gabriel gives him
a phone. It's a decent one, with a touchscreen and good storage, Castiel has no
friends to call, but he enjoys listening to music and Tetris. By the time
summer rolls around he's aching to be out of middle school, and even more
desperate never to enter High school. But needs must, and he welcomes the brief
reprieve in between then and now.
Castiel walks down to the field not long after the caravans pull up and finds
Dean, strong, broad and even taller before, kissing a dark-haired older girl
that Castiel doesn't know.
It's a shock, and it sends him reeling. He's not sure how to react and neither
is Dean, who looks at him almost guiltily. Castiel wonders if he's remembering
how their fingers brushed last year on his bed, how he'd been so sure that Dean
wanted to hold his head. He mumbles an apology, and goes to find Jo and Sam.
A frog is hopping over Jo's arms and Sam is reading a book, they look like
home. Castiel flops down next to him and Jo lays her head on his stomach and
slips the frog onto his neck. When he squeaks in shock she laughs right up
until Castiel shoves her in the pond.
There's a brief shocked silence when no one is sure how to respond, until they
all start laughing so hard their stomachs ache and Jo wraps her arms around his
waist and lets her hair drip all over him.
Dean tries to hang out with them as much they can, but Lisa, the seventeen year
old that he's currently dating (who Mary hates, with a burning passion) wants
him around her all the time. Dean looks constantly apologetic, and Castiel
barely sees him that summer. But he sees plenty of Jo and Sam, and they're
enough for him then.
On Castiel's first day of High school he's approached by a junior named
Crowley, he doesn't know what they are, but they're not friends. They have
lunch together though, and Castiel appreciates his company. Castiel has no clue
what Crowley's agenda is, until he's pushed into a janitor's closet a month
into school and kissed so throughly his mouth aches.
It's not as if he likes Crowley, in fact, he's not even remotely attracted to
the man, but he likes the hard pane of his body against his own, and the rasp
of stubble against his jaw. Sometimes, he lets himself imagine it's Dean who's
kissing him like this, that it's Dean who's loving him so fiercely.
He comes to the conclusion that he is, in fact, gay. It's not something that's
a surprise to him, nor is it a surprise to Gabriel when he tells him. Gabriel
just raises an eyebrow at him and says, "Dude, you pierced your ear with a
moon. A moon! I friggin' know."
He and Crowley break up after Christmas when Crowley wants to go further than
kissing and Castiel doesn't, it's not that he's opposed, it's just that he
doesn't really like Crowley a whole lot. Crowley gets publicly angry, and
that's how Cas gets outed to the school. After Crowley he doesn't have a lot to
do, so when he gets particularly bored he starts lifting weights in the
basement. He likes it, the strain, the exertion, how his arms get bigger and
his stomach hardens. When he looks at himself in the mirror, slightly muscled,
with a moon earring in his right ear, he doesn't look away immediately.
Nobody is particularly rude after he comes out, he actually makes a few friends
because of it. A dorky girl named Charlie invites him to join the school's LGBT
club, and he's introduced to her girlfriend Dorothy, a friendly bisexual named
Garth a straight ally called Benny. Benny looks at him a bit too much to be
just an ally, but Castiel's not interested, so he doesn't pursue it.
When Castiel turns fifteen he actually has people to invite to a party, at
Charlie's suggestion, he throws a 'Game's night' and they eat Gabriel's pies
and play mario kart until everybody's parents come to pick them up. He has fun,
and Gabriel looks explicitly proud of him. They'll never be to him what Dean,
Jo and Sam are, but they're his friends anyway, and he keeps them close to his
heart.
He promises to keep in contact with them over the summer, even though he knows
he'll be occupied.
Dean at sixteen is a glorious sight. Tall, tanned and more beautiful than even
God. Castiel is taller too, and broad and tanned but he's sure as hell not as
beautiful as Dean. It's one of those Summer's where the circus comes to town
just before school ends, and Dean waits at the bus stop for him. He always
looks nervous, he always blushes a little when Castiel hugs him, he claims
almost immediately that Sam and Jo are busy, so they have "time to be by
themselves tonight."
Castiel is upset that he won't see his friends, but utterly incandescent at the
thought of having Dean's attention focused on him for a whole night. He
suggests a sleepover, and Dean more than readily agrees.
Gabriel's suggestion to keep the door open is more of an instruction than a
suggestion, so Castiel chances his luck and keeps it open the barest crack. His
room hasn't changed since Dean was last there, apart from a few plants and
photos of him and his school friends, a few of him and Sam and Jo from last
year, none of Dean. He immediately wants to rectify the situation.
Dean poses with him for a while, before he gets bored and becomes a model,
pouting dramtically, pointing his feet, making Castiel giggle behind his
father's Polaroid. Dean sits on the edge of the bed, and the bee lights behind
him look like a halo, he's so pretty that Castiel can feel his heart beating
wildly in his chest. He captures a photo, discards in on the chest of drawers
without looking at it.
"Dean," he commands softly, "Close your eyes." He wants a picture of Dean like
this, soft and open and beautiful, not the wild, rambunctious boy everyone else
knows, but the sweetheart that only he knows and loves.
Dean closes his eyes, and Castiel means to take the photos, he really does, he
thinks he maybe gets one before he drops the camera with a soft thud and kisses
him.
He's fifteen and he's in love. No one could've stopped him.
Dean makes a small sound against his mouth and wraps a hand around his wrist.
Castiel's half bent over him, the only parts of them touching the hand Castiel
has on Dean's face and their mouths.
Castiel pulls away just in time to see Dean's eyes flutter open, he looks
properly shocked, and Castiel feels like he's flying. He remembers the feeling
of euphoria seeing Dean so far above on the tight rope, it's the same one that
builds in his chest now.
"Cas," Dean whispers so quietly that it barely disturbs the dust particles, his
mouth looks wet, Castiel wants to kiss him again. He doesn't. Instead he lets
Dean push him away and they smile at each other a little bashfully, Castiel
remembers that he now has a cellphone and throws his phone to Dean and Dean
programs his number in it. He grateful for the change of subject.
The rest of the summer is much like always, only Dean can drive and so they go
to the places in town that Castiel never visits. He thinks about introducing
them to Charlie and Dorothy and Garth, then realises that they don't know he's
gay. Dean probably does, but he's never outrightly said.
It's during one of their outings that he finally tells them over milkshakes and
fries.
"So," he starts off intelligently, "I'm gay."
Jo spits out her milkshake, and Sam blinks big twelve year old eyes at him. He
feels Dean stiffen against him, he knows he's getting dangerously close to the
Thing Of Which They Do Not Talk About.
Sam breaks the silence, "Thanks for telling us, Cas." He leans over and pats
his hand companionably before returning to his fries. Jo, Dean and Cas exchange
glances, wondering how the hell one tiny twelve year old got more mature than
all of them put together.
He and Dean don't kiss again that Summer, but he doesn't mind. The timing isn't
right, not properly. But they do have more sleepovers, and they talk a lot well
into the night, well past whenever Gabriel's snores start filtering through the
walls.
The summer when he's fifteen is the summer when he relearns Dean Winchester's
soul is brighter than any other he's ever met. He already knew, figured it out
from day one when the little kid helped him bury a squashed road and cried
about his dead brothers with him, but it's another thing to find it out again
in the dark of his bedroom with nobody around but them.
"Sammy wants to go to college. I don't want him to leave, but I don't want to
hold him back."
"There's a spider on your floor-pleASE- can you get the spider CAS-"
"Don't tell my mom this, but Gabriel's pies are so much better than hers."
Sometimes, he lets one hand dangle off the side of the bed. Sometimes Dean
grabs it, from his mattress on the floor. It's those nights that Dean opens his
soul to him.
"I've never wanted to hit a woman, but whenever you would show up at the pond
bruised-Jesus Cas, you have no idea what I wanted to do."
"I don't know what I want to do when I turn eighteen, I love the circus-it's
home. But what if I could make a home somewhere else? There's a good
university-near here. I might look into it."
"Lisa tried to get me to sleep with her last year, and when I said no, she
dumped me."
"Cas-sometimes I think I like boys as well."
In turn, Castiel tells Dean about Meg, and about Crowley. He tells him about
how he never got out of bed the night his Mama dies and when his voice cracks,
Dean kisses his knuckles. He tells him about the year he and Gabriel went mad
and burnt all the furniture, about how it was the best decision of his life. He
tells Dean about how he only likes boys.
That summer, when they leave, it feels like he loses a part of himself.
Although, with Dean having his phone number, they call all the time. He feels
odd talking to Dean when the leaves fall off the trees. Dean tries to drive
down to visit now that he's got his license, and it's even weirder to see Jo,
Sam and Dean wrapped up in hats and scarves as opposed to barefoot in shorts.
They come down for a few days at Christmas and he finally introduces them to
Charlie, Dorothy, Garth and Benny. Benny's eyes follow Dean around the room,
but Dean never notices, because his eyes are on Castiel the entire time. Cas
can feel his gaze burning the back of his neck, making his tongue thick and his
cheek red as he attempts to be a good host. In the end, he gives up and watches
Sam beat Charlie at mario kart relentlessly. It's the first time the red-headed
girl has ever lost to anyone, and Castiel isn't sure the tears she sheds are
fake.
When Dean, Jo and Sam have to leave, Dean's hug lasts a little longer than
usual, and maybe he's mistaken but he's almost positive he kisses his cheek
too, but he can't be sure because it's so cold outside his entire body has gone
numb.
In February it's Charlie's birthday, she's found some guy that'll give her a
tattoo, Castiel goes with her, as moral support. He asks why she doesn't take
Dorothy, but apparently they're 'on the rocks', she gets a skull and snake
pattern on her arm which she claims to be from Harry Potter, but Castiel can't
recognise. He's a little too interested in the piercings however, and he
fingers the one in his ears absently as he looks at the pictures of options
with badly disguised eagerness. The tattoo artist, a hot guy with a dragon
stretching up along his left arm and the tail winding down around his right,
comes to speak with him, maybe Cas is a sucker for a pretty guy but he ends up
with a nipple piercing his left, a small purple barbell that Charlie looks at
for a little too long.
"I'm gay, but Cas, damn, that's hot."
He wonders what Dean will say when he sees it, he wonder if he'll tell Dean.
Probably not.
They're too far away on his birthday to come see him, but Dean rings him and
all three of them scream happy birthday down the phone, it's an amazing
feeling, his school friends around him and his best friends on the phone, he
feels complete in a way he never thought he would.
Gabriel doesn't give him any on his birthday, and whilst he's a bit surprised
he doesn't really mind, because the phone call late at night from just Dean put
him in such a good mood that he's basically floating on air when he comes
downstairs the next morning and sees Gabriel in the living room with a bundle
of loud fluff.
"...Hello?" He greets cautiously, and Gabriel turns his head to look at him,
there's a huge dog on his knee. It's probably bigger than Gabriel, his hair is
golden and his eyes are big and brown and Castiel has never fallen in love
faster.
"Cassie! Meet Ghost!"
It turns out Ghost was a friend of Gabriel's dog, but his friend was moving to
a flat and Ghost had to go somewhere.
Castiel and Gabriel's home was somewhere.
He takes the excitable dog running every day, and he has to sprint to keep up
with him. It does wonders for his stomach and legs, he wonders if maybe Dean
will want to kiss him this year.
The dog sleeps at the foot of his bed, and between school, the dog and his
friends, it's July before he can even blink.
Understandably, they all adore Ghost, who splashes his way through the pond and
gets them all soaked. There's wet paw prints all over his cotton tee shirt, but
he's not particularly bothered, he jumps in after the dog and the water makes
his shirt cling to his body, he pretends not to notice Dean looking.
Dean sleeps over again a lot that summer, the mattress on the floor is always
laid out for him, and Dean always sits on it until Gabriel goes to sleep. Then
Castiel moves over just slightly and Dean climbs in silently beside him, Cas
can barely see him move in the darkness, but when the mattress dips and he
feels the brush of lips so hesitantly against the back of his neck, he scoots
back a little, until he can feel the bump of Dean's knees against the back of
his, Dean carefully hooks an arm around his waist and Castiel laces their
fingers together like it's a game of cat's cradle.
He thinks briefly, for one moment that maybe he should invest in a double bed,
his twin sized barely fits him, let alone two taller than normal teenaged boys,
but he dismisses it almost instantly, he likes how Dean feels pressed up
against his every nook and cranny.
On nights like this he wonders if Dean remembers being kissed on the same bed,
he has the photo just before it happened tacked to his wall and the photo-paper
has lost its shininess from where he keeps rubbing the pad of his finger over
it. Just because they don't talk about it doesn't mean it didn't happen.
The first time it happens he expects Dean to ignore it, instead, when he wakes
up they're face to face and Dean staring at him like he's a precious stone in a
museum, their hands still clasped between their chests. Dean inches forward,
and Castiel thinks for one brief eternity that he might kiss him-if he just
tilts his head just so-but he doesn't. He licks the tip of his nose like the
disgusting boy he is and laughs like a hyena when Cas shrieks, he stops
laughing whenever he gets shoved out of the bed, and the thump of him landing
on the floor wakes the dog up with a jolt and he starts barking madly.
Gabriel bursts in, his hair stuck up on one side and brandishing a slipper,
"What is it? What's happening?"
The sight of him panicked and bleary is enough to set them into kinks of
giggles again and Gabriel storms out, dragging the 'poor tortured dogs' out of
what is apparently their 'absurd sex games for fucks sake it's seven am lads'
Castiel dangled his hand down the bed and Dean grabs it.
It's a good way to wake up.
Charlie and Dorothy break up in a loud huge explosion that summer, and they
want Castiel to take sides. Castiel isn't good with confrontation, and
therefore hides from them both like the coward he is. It makes Dean laugh
though, seeing him duck down in the passenger seat when ever he passes a red
head or literally anyone in combat boots.
Jo laughs though, and blushes whenever Dean teases that Charlie's now 'up for
grabs'. Castiel's not quite sure what to make of that, he had no idea that Jo
was that way inclined, but he ignores it, if she was willing to share she
would.
He has bigger things to worry about, like sneaking Sam into R-rated movies.
They want to see someone's horror film, Castiel has no idea what it is only
that when it ultimately terrifies Dean, he'll jump into Castiel's awaiting
arms, they're not a couple, at least, not a verified couple, but Castiel is
taking what he can get.
The man at the ticket counter is ridiculously flamboyant, he's looking at Sam
with suspicion eyes whenever the boy's voice shakes over his confirmation that
"Yessir, Im d-definitely fifteen."
"I'm sorry kid, unless you have ID with you, I can't let you in."
Castiel frowns at him, and when the guy looks at him, he blushes wildly. And
oh-oh, he can work with that.
"So-Jeremy-It is Jeremy right?" He leans on the counter a little, he's dressed
a little Interesting today, a burgundy tee-shirt with a loose neck and when he
leans forward, Jeremy's momentarily distracted by the glint of his nipple
piercing, Jeremy's easily about eight years older than them, with curly red
hair and the remains of bad teenaged acne, he look like he should work in a law
firm, but he blushes like a school boy, "You worked here long?"
"I mean-I've worked here-a regular amount of time?" Castiel doesn't smile
often, not around strangers, so he quirks an eyebrow.
"I've not seen you around much, I mean," He runs his hand through his hair,
gives the puppy-dog eyes that Jo and Sam spent a full day teaching him in the
mirror and says, "I think I'd recognise you."
If Jeremy got any redder, it's a definite possibility that he'd explode, that,
or Dean was going to lean right across the confectionary stand and strangle
him. Jeremy fumbles with the popcorn and when he comes to print out the
tickets, he glances at his manager then back and Castiel and says, "It's four
tickets? For Ouija?"
Castiel grins, low and flirtatious, "You got it."
When they're walking away Jeremy calls after him, "Can I get your number?" but
Castiel slings his shoulder over Jo's arm and answers back,
"I don't think my girlfriend would like that."
Jo muffles her tragic laughter in his chest then pulls away, frowning slightly.
"Dude."
Castiel cocks his head, he's a little embarrassed but majorly proud. "Jo."
Jo just shakes her head, a smile of disbelief on her face, she's staring at his
chest within something akin to incredulousness on her face, "Dude." She
repeats.
"Jo, I'm not following you."
She darts forward and shoves her freezing hand up his shirt and he squeaks and
tries to force her away, her fingers find his nipple and she grabs it hard,
"Ow-bastard!" He exclaims, running a hand over it and scowling fiercely.
"What!" Dean demands, he's a little weighed down under all the popcorn, "What?!
Show us!"
Castiel scowls, but lifts his shirt just enough so that they can all gawk at
him.
Sam blinks in awe and starts, "That's...so-"
"Hot." Dean finished, then flushes a brilliant red whenever they all look at
him, "Fuck off, we're gonna miss the movie."
Castiel pays minimal to zero attention to the movie because Dean spends most of
it huddling his head in his chest and flinching, he asked Gabriel once why
scary movies had never phased him and Gabriel had said that their mother was
the scariest monster ever, he was probably just used to them, it still makes
him laugh to this day. On his other side, Jo's legs are chucked over his lap
and Sam's hand keeps snaking over to steal his red vines, they're all one big
jigsaw of people and Castiel loves it.
Dean has nightmares for a week after, Castiel knows this because he keeps
getting woke up by the vibration of his phone on his nightstand, to Dean's
furtive whispers on the other side, and incessant promises of 'No Cas, I swear
I'm not scared, I just wanted to talk to you-'
They cuddle a lot, Dean will never say it's cuddling out loud but that's
exactly what it is, and Dean will lean his head on his shoulder. Sometimes if
they're watching a film, just the two of them, Dean's hand will drift up to his
chest and play with his piercing really casually and Castiel tries his best not
to be affected by it but honestly it's not his fault that he gets so hot and
bothered when the man of his dreams fondles his chest in the dark, he always
ends up excusing himself to the bathroom and when he gets back Dean's face is
almost as red as his.
It becomes a pattern.
They don't kiss, however, not until the last day of summer.
The carnival is set to leave that day, and so Sam, Jo and Dean had all said
their goodbyes a little reluctantly not more than an hour ago. Gabriel's out at
the girlfriend's he thinks Castiel doesn't know about's house, he hopes Gabriel
tells him soon, so he can be appropriately happy for his brother. He's alone in
the house, watching reruns of some doctor show that Dean introduced him to
whenever there's a heavy, frantic knock at the door.
He answers it and it's Dean, looking out of breath and desperate, "Is
everything okay?" He asked and Dean shakes his head, pushing his way into the
house with his hands wrapped tight around Castiel's elbows.
"I couldn't leave-Cas-Castiel you have to know-before-Cas-I love you."
Castiel stands, momentarily shocked, staring at the boy he loves and his
terrified expression. Dean's eyes are wide almost in disbelief at his own
words, "I had to tell you-I didn't want-Cas-say something."
"I love you too." It forces it's way past his lips, he couldn't stop it even if
he wanted to, he wants to scream it-he wants to knock on everyone's door and
tell them that he loves Dean fucking Winchester and he wants to dance and he
wants to-he wants to-
He wants to kiss him.
He freezes, and Dean's hands tighten on his arms. "You love me?" He asks, like
it was ever a possibility that Castiel didn't ever love Dean, like there was a
possibility that Castiel hasn't loved Dean since the minute he hugged him on
top of a dead frog's grave.
"I love you."
"He loves me!" Dean exclaims and he's rapturous, he's euphoric, he's so fucking
beautiful and Castiel kisses him because if he didn't he would burst into
flames.
Dean's hands slide up his neck, his face, tangles in his hair as Castiel
destroys his mouth. Dean gasps under the assault and Castiel couldn't stop if
he tried.
"Love you-always loved you-never been anyone but you-" Castiel promises into
the wet skin and Dean's neck and Dean's hand spasms in his hair which sends a
hot spark of want down his spine.
"Fuck-Cas, love you too, but I'm not losing my virginity in your doorway Cas,
take me upstairs!"
Castiel can't bear to let Dean go even for a brief second, instead he lifts him
and revels in the look of impressed surprise that flits across Dean's face.
"That's fuckin' hot, Cas." Dean whispers furtively, he reaches out and pushes
the door shut and then whispers, "Why aren't we in bed yet?"
It's hard to run when you're hard and are carrying a seventeen year old boy,
but Castiel manages and soon he's setting Dean gently on the bed and crawling
over him. Dean grins up at him, all soft and gorgeous and Castiel's heart skips
a beat.
"Fuckin' love you, Cas." He says and Castiel kisses him chastely, once, twice,
three times until Dean's squirming up against him, "Fuckin' kiss me properly
you rat." He demands, hooking his feet around Castiel's waist and dragging them
closer together.
Castiel's not sure how to react whenever their hips meet, but Dean seems to
have it covered for both of them, his head drops back exposing the long line of
his throat and his bruised mouth shapes around a moan, "Cas-how far do you
wanna go?" Dean hisses and Castiel considered. He's never done anything beyond
making out, but he finds right now with Dean underneath him that he's willing
to do anything Dean wants.
"Up to you," Castiel mutters, fastening his mouth to the sweet curve of Dean's
neck. "Pretty much up for anything, Dean."
"Wanna fuck me?"
Castiel's world tilts on its axis and he bites down hard on Dean's neck
accidentally, he licks over it in apology seconds later, but Dean's making a
lot of pretty noises so he doesn't think he minded.
"Is that a yes?" Dean chuckles weakly and Castiel kisses him fiercely. "Have
you got, like, lube?" Dean asks blushing a pleasant red colour.
Castiel sits up on Dean's waist to reach over to his nightstand and locate the
half empty bottle and a condom, Dean eyes them them and raises an eyebrow
smoothly, a far cry from the whimpering mess he was a brief second ago, "You do
this often, Cas?"
"Just you." Castiel kisses the look of jealousy off his face, and Dean's face
goes a little stupid with love.
"So this bottle, it's half-empty, just from-"
"From me, yes. I admit I'm odd, but I have heard of masturbation."
"Do you...inside yourself?" Dean whispers, his eyes wide and Castiel shrugs
uncomfortably.
"C'mon, Dean, I wanted to try it-"
"Do it to me-God that's hot-do it to me-"
Between them, they managed to get stripped and settle again, Dean sitting low
in his thighs, his mouth hot around Castiel's nipple, it's twice as sensitive
since he pierced it, and he's basically a panting mess under his
administrations, he reaches over and grabs the discarded line and wets his
fingers, the snick of the lid sounds incredibly loud and Dean jerks whenever he
edges the tips of his fingertips around the softness of his hole.
"Still okay?" He whispers and Dean nods, suckling hard on his nipple and
Castiel breathes hard, he edges his first one in and Dean shudders around him,
he's hot and tight and glorious just around his finger.
Castiel knows he should go slowly, open him up as carefully as possible, but
the noises Dean's are making are criminal and the way he's pushing back down
makes it very hard not to just thrust up into him, preparation be damned, but
he does it anyone just to see the way Dean loses control above him, his face
red and sweaty and his hard dick leaking profusely onto Cas' stomach.
"You gotta, you gotta get in me man, I'm not gonna last."
Castiel snorts, "Yeah, and I've the stamina of a moose."
"Dude why a moose? Why the fuck would you bring up a moose when you're about to
fuck me-"
"Jesus Dean, I don't know-"
"Just fuck me before I go completely soft because you're such a-AH-a freak."
Dean tries to be snarky, but it just doesn't work when Castiel's working three
fingers into him and he's moaning on every other stroke of Cas' finger over the
small bump of his prostate.
Dean pours half a bottle of lube over his dick in an attempt to get him slick
and while Castiel's laughing breathlessly at him, he pulls Castiel's hand out
of him and sits down a little huffily on his cock. Cas' giggles get strangled
onto a moan and Dean looks remarkably proud of himself.
He's like a glove around him and Castiel's mind goes glove-condom, "Fuck Dean,
we forgot the condom."
Dean frowns as he swivels his hips, "Why are you talking about condoms when
you're in me-"
"Dean safe-sex is very important-"
"Dean safe-sex is very important-" Dean mocks childishly in a voice that's far
higher that Castiel's ever was, even as a child. Castiel narrows his eyes and
fucks his hips up, it makes Dean shudder and bounce and suddenly laughing is
the last thing on either of their minds.
Dean rocks and falls and rides him so fiercely that it's possible Castiel may
die from the pleasure, Dean bends over him to kiss him, one hand on his nipple,
flicking the piercing and making Castiel whimper like he's wounded into his
mouth. There is no chance he's lasting, so he wraps his hand around Dean and
pulls him off quickly and dirtily until he spills between them, after that
Castiel's basically a goner and he manages three quick thrusts up until he's
hissing out a "oh-fucking-hell!" And coming so hard that he sees stars above
him.
"Hey." The stars say, in a deep raspy voice, "Hey wake up gorgeous, I gotta get
going."
Dean's in trouble as it is, but watching him get dressed to leave is possibly
the worst feeling in the world and Castiel's tempted to say 'damn it all' and
just keep Dean to himself all year.
Dean picks up Castiel's favourite hoodie, it's a little big on him and he
debates it obviously, in the end he shrugs off his leather jacket and puts it
on, "I'm taking this and you can keep this." He says, throwing his jacket to
Castiel and pulling the hoodie on over his head. It falls past his hands and
just below his ass, and his normally manly looking friend looks cute as hell.
Castiel pulls on the jacket and knows immediately why Dean wanted to swap, it
smells so much like him that he just wants to curl up in it.
"You're so fuckin' hot." Dean mutters and suddenly Castiel knows how debauched
he looks, naked apart from Dean's jacket, with the evidence of what they done
drying on his stomach. His hair is possibly a worse mess than usually and his
neck is littered with bite marks, he looks like the star of a porno and Dean's
looking at him with hooded eyes. "There will never be enough time in the world
to do what I want to you." He whispers lowly, and Castiel sits up so that he
can drag him closer and kiss him breathless.
Dean strokes his cheek with soft fingers, his back hunched and his soft noises
like music. "Will you wait for me?" He whispered between them, avoiding Cas'
eyes and Castiel kissed him briefly.
"Dean Winchester, I've always been waiting for you."
Being apart from Dean is always hard, but it's even harder now that they're
together. Dean tries to visit as often as he can, but they're relatively
sporadic until he turns eighteen in January. Then with Gabriel's (reluctant)
permission, he drives down once a month and spends a few days with them. It's
nice, being able to be part of a couple with someone.
It's also nice, to be sexually active with someone.
Dean's lucky the impala has such a wide backseat.
They do other things, beside sex, they cuddle up in the cinema and Dean tells
Jeremy to "stop leering at my boyfriend, asshole.", Castiel forces Dean into a
suit and they eat dinner in some unnecessarily over priced restaurant, Dean
looks so fucking beautiful in a suit though that Castiel doesn't mind forking
over sixty dollars for some pasta, they go to the field often, and on one
memorable occasion, Castiel even digs Rosa out from beneath his bed.
"Oh wow, I didn't realise you'd kept her." Dean breathes, running his hand over
her glassy eyes and smiling a little lost.
Castiel shrugs and wrapped his arms around Dean's waist, hooking his chin on
the other man's shoulder, "As if I could ever throw away our first child."
"Our first?" Dean questions, twisting around to grin at him.
"I mean, we're gonna have at least seven-"
"At least?"
"But we'll never forget Rosa."
"No." Dean says and his voice is achingly soft, "No we won't."
Dean makes it down for his birthday, accompanied by Sam and Jo, and Charlie,
Dorothy, Benny and Garth come round and they play monopoly until Charlie starts
throwing the money at Jo because she's a 'cheatin' fuckin' bastard' apparently
and Jo just looks at her twelve hotels and takes it in with a huge smile.
All the noise makes Ghost bark loudly and Gabriel takes him with him to his
'friend' Kali's house. After Charlie and the rest of them leave, it gives him
an hour with Sam, Jo and Dean. Dean basically lies on top of him and Jo stands
behind Sam, braiding his too long hair.
"So, Dean and Cas, who would've thought." Sam remarks idly, then he snorts,
"Everyone. Absolutely everyone. I mean, I knew. And I was like, four when we
became friends."
Castiel just laughs and Dean chucks a pillow at him, grumbling about dickhead
little brothers until Castiel smooths a hand through his spikey hair and he
settles back down against comfortably.
Sam and Jo take the spare room, but like always Dean shares his minuscule twin
bed with him. "I'm gonna take a year off-but I think after, after I might go to
college."
Castiel blinks in the darkness, "That's when I go to college."
"Uh-yeah, I was thinking maybe we could apply to the same places? If that's-if
that's what you want." Dean sounds shy, as if there was a possibility that
Castiel wouldn't want that.
"That's-yeah! Yeah! Dean! I'd love that!" Dean presses his smile into the
corner of his mouth, against the curve of his jaw and down across a bare
shoulder. They fuck just like that, only Castiel turns on his side and Dean
slides into him, he shakes when he comes and he tries to be as quiet as
possible, but from Sam and Jo's death glares at the breakfast table the next
morning, he didn't do such a great job of it.
Dean's smug smile lasts right up until their goodbyes at the door, "Only a
couple months until summer, baby, then we don't have to do this." Dean
promises, kissing him until his toes curl in his shoes, Dean's stolen another
hoodie, a mustard coloured one because apparently the blue one 'doesn't smell
like you anymore, darlin', but Castiel still wears the leather one that he give
him.
"I'm gonna see you real soon." Dean says and Cas grins, a hand on his chest
pushing him out towards Sam's beeping the car horn.
"You'd better, Winchester." He calls, and Dean walks backwards until he bumps
into the hood of the car and Castiel waves a hand until they disappear out of
the long drive.
The summer comes and goes with much of the same, diner food, sneaking Sam into
movies, lots of really great sex. Castiel aches for the next one as soon as
it's over.
He and Dean both apply to college together in the fall, and receive acceptance
letters from Columbia a day after each other. Castiel's life had already fallen
into place, and now it looks like his future is too.
Dean gets the impala for his nineteenth, and he visits more often. When
Castiel's eighteen he comes to visit and he drags him out after dinner to a
stretch of the road where it's easy to see the stars. They lay on the hood like
some cheesy teenage film and Dean shakes and jitters from his position with his
head on Castiel's chest.
"Dean, spit it out." He finally sighs and Dean forces himself to sit up, and he
turns to look at him with mournful eyes.
"It's stupid."
Castiel cups his face, "If it's worrying you, then it's not stupid."
"It's not worrying me-I'm just. We're both young. And we've planned out our
kids and college and the future."
Castiel withdraws his hand, "We are young-are we moving to fast?"
Dean's eyebrows furrow together, "What? No-no, Cas! I'm just, when I think
about the future, you're in it. Like, always. I just-I can't explain it
properly." He digs in his pocket and yanks out a small box, Castiel's heart
drops in it his chest.
"I just-I know we're young. But it's always been you-I just-my parents got
married when they were like, twenty and so, why can't we? I'm not-I mean you
don't have to say yes I just-Cas, Cas it's always been you. It's never going to
be anyone else but you." Dean rambles and Castiel stares as his shaking fingers
fumble until he opens the box. There's a small ring, dark silver, it's thick
and heavy and has a Celtic pattern running through it.
"Say it." Castiel whispers, not taking his eyes off it.
"Say what?"
"Dean. Fuckin' ask me."
"Oh. Oh!" Dean jumps off the car and kneels down in the gravel on one knee,
"Castiel Novak, will you marry me?"
Castiel is young, younger than sense and logic in the eyes of the law. But
Castiel has been bullied, he's been beaten, and Dean's always been the best
thing in his life, and so when he says "Yes." he feels older than the dirt
Dean's kneeling in, he slides off the car and laughs giddily as he falls to his
knees beside him and sticks out his finger, "Yes-Dean."
Dean laughs and drops the ring twice trying to get it onto his finger, but
eventually he manages and he kisses him so hard that Castiel goes a little
dizzy with it and lets himself but pulled into the backseat.
******************************************
The week before summer begins Dean shows up at his house, looking upset and
harried. Castiel frowns, but lets him in and force feeds him dinner. He's quiet
throughout the meal, Gabriel and Castiel making light conversation that he
doesn't partake in, after, when he excuses to himself, Gabriel pushes him
upstairs and even though it's Castiel's dishes night, Gabriel lets him go
upstairs to take care of his fiancé.
Saying that always makes his heart dance.
Dean's in his room, with his head in his hands and the light turned off.
"The circus isn't coming back," Dean confesses, before Castiel can even say
anything, "Not here-nobody comes here anymore, they can get better business
elsewhere," He sniffs and wipes at his eyes, and Castiel's by his side
instantly. Dragging him into his arms in a sideways hug and Dean muffles his
sobs in the fabric of his shirt.
"It's stupid, we're going to college together next year I just-I just wanted
this last summer, y'know, with you, Sam and Jo." Castiel presses a kiss into
the wetness of his cheek.
"It's not stupid."
"It is, I'll see you all the time next year. I'm crying about nothing, besides
it's not like you can come with."
Castiel freezes. He couldn't-that's absurd, he couldn't come with him.
But-
-but he could?
He dives up, yanks a duffle bag out of his closet. "I could Dean! I could-"
"Cas, you've got to graduate! And what about Gabriel-and Ghost?"
Castiel waved a hand, "I've technically already graduated."
"Cas, you have a life here."
"No-I have a life with you. You're my life."
Dean shakes his head, tries to yank the bag out of his head, "Cas, you can't,
it's fine, I'll visit like always-"
"It won't be enough-Dean it's summer. In summer, I'm yours."
Dean presses their foreheads together, "Cas, Cas you're always mine."
Castiel kisses him feverishly, "I'll come with you."
"You're crazy."
"Maybe. But I need you."
Dean kisses him, moans a little, "I" kiss, "I-need you too," he tastes like the
mac and cheese they had a minute ago. "What about Gabriel?"
"He'll understand." Castiel promises even though he's not sure it's true. He
packs a bag, and hurtles down the steps. He stands in the doorway of the living
room with his duffle bag slung over his shoulder, and Gabriel looks up at him
from the sandy coloured sofa that they bought together. They built a life
together and now, Castiel's abandoning it.
"You're leaving, aren't you?" Gabriel says, he doesn't meet Castiel's eyes.
Lead settles in his stomach as he nods. Gabriel sighs heavily, "As soon as you
came home with that ring on your finger, I knew it was a matter of time."
"Gabriel-I-"
"Just-it's not because of me? You're not running away, you're just leaving.
It's not because of me-"
"Gabriel." The words feel strangled in his throat, "Gabriel you have been the
best father," Gabriel's shoulders start shaking and Castiel drops the bag to
hug him, "The best father, I could've had."
"I'm not your dad."
"Yeah, my dad's a dick. But Gabe you were better, I just-"
"You have to leave. I know, I was eighteen and stupid once." It feels wrong to
see Gabriel cry, "Just, come back, once in a while."
"I'll be home so often you won't even realise I'm gone." Castiel promises and
Gabriel laughs, he tousles Castiel's hair affectionately and says,
"Hard not to notice you gone Cas, you were always such an Interesting Person to
be around."
Castiel knows that Gabriel couldn't possibly know the significance, but he
grins so wide anyway and hugs his brother tightly.
"I can't believe my little brother's running away to join the circus." Gabriel
laughed wryly, "It's like a bad joke."
"I'm not running away."
"No," Gabriel looks at him, then looks at Dean and then back to him, "No I
don't suppose you are."
Castiel grins and turns to go when Gabriel says, "Cas, I have a girlfriend. Her
name is Kali, I want her to move in."
Castiel twists back around to him, and says, "Gabe, I have a fiancé, his name
is Dean. I'm gonna move in with him."
Gabriel snorts and says, "Yeah you are."
He waves them off and when Castiel slides in the passenger seat with Dean at
the wheel, he feels so free and light that he could possibly be floating. He
grins at the ceiling as they start driving and waves out the back window until
Gabriel disappears from sight.
"I can't believe you're doing this." Dean laughs disbelievingly and Castiel
smiles so wide his cheeks ache.
"It's summer, Dean. We're allowed to be wild when it's Summer." The sun is
setting as they drive towards Sam and Jo and it shines brightly on forever.
THE END
End Notes
     This is long, so very long! It's not so good but I liked it. Does
     anyone know what the title is from? :)
     -YTC
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