Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/2890463.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Justice_(Band)
  Relationship:
      Gaspard_Augé/Xavier_de_Rosnay, Breakbot/Sebastian, DJ_Mehdi/Pedro_Winter
  Character:
      Gaspard_Augé, DJ_Mehdi, Xavier_de_Rosnay, Pedro_Winter, Sebastian,
      Breakbot, Uffie, Jackson_Fourgeaud, Quentin_Dupieux, Kavinsky
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-12-28 Updated: 2016-11-04 Chapters: 17/? Words: 18471
****** Across the 110th street ******
by Psychoodkiller
Notes
     Ok, this is nothing more than tv shows and movies that I watch. I put
     some "Born to kill?" in here and other things.
     1- If I be late to post, that's because I'm working and studying.
     2- So sorry for my bad english, I'm brazilian, I could learn english,
     but I prefer study music at the moment.
     3- Yeah, yeah, "Sebastian/Breakbot" because I want. Don't blame me,
     there's people who write about "Paul de homem christo/Pedro Winter".
     It could be worse, aham.
     4- I could explain any thing of this fanfic, but all stays in "Bye
     for you guys" "Where are you going, bro?" "Doesn't matter, bye for
     you guys :')"
***** You start at the end and you end on your own *****
Were 06:00 pm and his Brown eyes were glued at the traffic lights. He felt
cold, but didn't wear the black jacket that was characteristic. Cigarette smoke
was hurting his throat, but he also didn't mind, after all... Someday everybody
will die one way or another. Sitting on the pavement, talking with the bottle
of Vodka. Sometimes trying to speak in other languages, but he always quit when
heard his own accent. A bus passed in front of him and he thought maybe he
could get out there and go to another place, but he knew that if he did that
would feel the same way. The phone rang, but he also gave no importance. He was
lost in his own thoughts. Random thoughts like "Who was the son of a bitch who
sold my pool table?" or even "I wonder where did that boy that studied with
me?", his mind went from 0 to 100 as a Ferrari and he simply didn't know how to
control. The phone rang again, but this time he didn't answer because he didn't
hear. A group of people passing on the street during the time the lamppost was
closed. Those clothes, hair, those weapons, those boys. He took the bottle was
next and took a drag in the liquid which also made sure to hurt his throat. He
knew it could be like those people, extroverted even without drinking a drop of
alcohol, but deep down... Who never drank a drop of alcohol? He liked people,
but didn't know how to talk to them, he didn't know how he could convince them
of something, didn't know how it could be an extrovert without a drop of
alcohol. Alcohol. That thing that hit his body and turned into a motor racing.
His friends accounted for among other things, sex, fire, broken things, hands
cut off, blood, broken noses and rain of prostitutes. The sex was a way to
escape that made him feel sort of like a sinner God. Pedro was constantly
worried about what was happening and... Pedro drank too, after all... Who never
drank a drop of alcohol? But the difference was remarkable. Is that part of
life where there's no more school, no longer has the minimum of innocence and
that part where everyone comes in that is something between a bar empty, dark,
a life without any prospects and College, the love of a woman or a man,
children, family, lunches on Sundays. You can understand. Everyone has their
reasons to do something or to become what eventually becomes one day. Games,
vices, the sound of bass holding you altogether. You never felt that? Or that
feeling that something good will happen and when the day passes... The only
good thing that happened was the music you heard, the cigarette you smoked and
drink you drank? If you have a job that feeling can be even bigger and better,
like you're discounting everything... Discounting everything in yourself.
That was Xavier.
He had that piano and he worked at that bar. He loved doing it, but... Was
dissatisfied with himself. He knew that sooner or later that boy was going to
come over and fuck his life again. You know... Bullies will be bullies forever.
But now he was an adult and wore the irony and sarcasm with mastery. And as a
shield. Oriental eyes and with a fire out of the ordinary that seemed ghoulish
to the boy. Everything was a gun in his hand: The cigarette, the tennis
shoelace, the bottle of vodka. Lived alone and felt alone as all people who
live alone. The hatred inside him was also unusual, only knew to be gentle with
his friends. Kept many bad memories about various moments of his life, as when
he fell in love with that boy. At that moment he knew how much he loved the
pain. The pain excited him.
That was Xavier.
---
Thin fingers controlling a mixer. The hip pressing a few buttons. Lights.
Showtime. The door opened, the name in the list, the girls in short skirts.
Ferrari stopped on the sidewalk. Always the second star. Vincent. The first
star was in charge, was who gave protection and entertainment, was the one who
paid the account of all those lights. He played, people paid, danced and he
paid the Bills, had a reciprocity: you pay me and I make you dance. It was what
he loved to do, but there's a time of life when the art needs to be valued and
need to be paid. He thought there was a lot of wrong things in all of this, but
the Government collects taxes forever. He was loving, caring, funny, needy,
melancholy and thought that all those songs, those happy songs always had a
dark background. Disco Inferno, Boogie Wonderland, Power of love. All of them.
That was Pedro. Changed the subject when the subject always made him sad. And
during those days when Xavier was in jail anyone who touched on the subject was
murdered with a "You want something to drink?" or "I need to talk to the guy at
the maintenance urgent". Pedro was the only person who knew who Xavier really
was. Mothers know how are they children.
That was Pedro.
---
Vincent wasn't dancing as usual. Seemed to be hiding somehow in the midst of
the people and that was Pedro advantage: the panoramic view of the dance floor.
Vincent looked scared, Pedro thought it strange, because Vincent was never
afraid. Of anything. Vincent was like a ghost, couldn't be hurt, he was never
afraid, never scared, but now... He was pale and Pedro knew that weren't the
lights. He pulled the MC by the arm, Anna, and the girl took his cell phone,
dialed some numbers. Upstairs, Pedro could see Vincent contract the
musculature, pick up the phone out of his pocket and throw it on the floor,
breaking it into a fantastic reflex. Pedro put some songs, let Anna continued
to lecture and went down the stairs, plunging in the middle of people, looking
for Vincent. The boy was leaning in a corner where the lights weren't enough
and constantly beat his head against the wall. Pedro put his hand on the wall
and when Vincent realized that the wall now had another configuration, stopped
what he was doing and looked at Pedro's eyes. His forehead was bruised and now
the boy was shaking as if he had witnessed such an absurd thing for a human
being witnessed and he repeated several times "Blood". Pedro got scared and
Vincent spent the fingers on his forehead. Pedro never expected the reaction
that Vincent had to see his hand covered in blood. The boy started to cry. Sat
on the floor and hugged his knees. Pedro left the boy and left the Club to see
what had made Vincent stay that way. Nothing. The street was as ever, if it
wasn't for one thing. A red dress throwed on the sidewalk. Pedro approached,
but he felt he shouldn't have done that. He looked at the cul-de-sac alongside
his club and there she was. Even though he didn't know who she was, she was
there, stuck in the wall with a kitchen knife buried in her chest. Wide eyes
who was killed after a scare. Pedro recognized her. It was Vincent's
girlfriend. He felt the urge to vomit. Left front of the alley and rested his
back against the wall. When he got back inside the Club not found Vincent, was
the oddest sensation that he had previously lived... How could someone dancing
Bee Gees when there was a dead woman brutally next. He climbed the stairs
running, stumbled upon one of the steps and fell on the floor of the sound
booth. Anna helped him up and he couldn't say a Word. Pick up the phone and
called the police.
---
He opened his eyes. He didn't know where he was, had been sleeping on the
street. In a few minutes he recognized the place. 110th Street. He felt secure
that hour of the morning. Vincent... He didn't know who it was. Stood up, wiped
his hands and jeans and walked away down the street.
---
Pedro was sitting on the couch, staring at nothingness and covered his ears
cause of the ticking of the clock. That silence... He couldn't get that image
out of his head. Couldn't sleep at night. Anna entered the room with two cups
of coffee, one for Pedro and another one for her, the smell was good, but
another thought took care of boy's head: "Where was Xavier when Vincent's
girlfriend was murdered?". Pedro trusted Xavier, but knew that with the boy's
criminal record, the police would, first, looking for him.
---
The sound of boots hitting the ground stunned children who were in the square.
He thought that maybe he should stop wearing those shoes and exchange them for
a pair of sneakers, but that was a feature of him, if ever he were thinking
changing shoes. It would not be that day. The place was the same. The square,
the children, the nightclub next to the alley, but... That police car... In
front of Xavier's house. He knew very well.
***** Where did you go? *****
Vincent was in shock, he couldn't run, he couldn't walk, he couldn't be
stopped. He preferred to get home. On the way he ran into a few people and one
of them... One of them he should have recognized, but the shock wouldn't let
him. That long hair, more than usual, his longer beard, longer than the usual.
Vincent knew he had to get home, only that, and then crossed himself and
continued walking.
- Vincent!
Vincent thought he was crazy. Covered his ears and continued walking. The boy
stood on the sidewalk next to the car.
---
The two policemen came out of the House, Xavier let them to the door. He hated
the cops, but... With the problems he was having with justice, thought it best
not to provoke. Then, he saw... The boy with long hair and boots, left home,
getting in front of the door and dented the beer that held in the right hand,
threw on the stairs and entered again, slamming the door, without the other
could have a right of reply. The boy remained standing on the sidewalk. The
place looked the same, but people... Well, were 3 years out. People were
different and his head too. He was no longer that the school bully. He decided
to insist. Went to the door of Xavier's house and punch it. The boy didn't
open. He insisted. Called Xavier by name. One minute later, Xavier opened the
door and when he saw the boy with that big beard, tried to close the door, but
the other's arm prevented him. Xavier did not give up, punched the boy's face.
The boy kept quiet and went into the House. He knew He had to leave Xavier do
those things, he just didn't know that... Xavier started to punch him. Nose,
stomach, chin, chest and... The boy fell to the ground.
- The good and old school bully! - Xavier began to laugh.
- Xav...
- Who allowed call me Xav? For you I am Xavier de Rosnay. - Xavier crossed his
arms - and to me you are nothing but a piece of shit.
The boy got up and continued standing in front of Xavier.
- Xavier de Rosnay... I just went to discover your name after two years.
- Who needs a name when you're punching someone?
-I wanted to...
- Who needs a name when you leave someone with the foot into the edge?
- I just...
- Shut the fuck up.
The boy was quiet, didn't know how to say what he wanted to say, Xavier
wouldn't let him talk.
- I just...
- I said shut up and... I don't even know why I'm talking to you, when in fact
I want to see you also with your foot at the edge.
- Do you know my name?
- Who needs names when you go to jail?
- Shit...
- Jail... And I won't kill you now because I just got out of there, so... Get
out of my house.
The boy, now, kept quiet because he didn't know what to say.
- You...
- Me? What, Gaspard?
- Nothing. Are you okay?
- Yes, but it could be better if you had died.
- I... I almost...
- You almost died? Why don't you give me this favour? Why didn't you do this
favor to Thibaut? Sebastian?
- I don't know...
- Where were you? 
- England.
- Punched many people there? I bet you do.
- Xavier, I...
- Get out of my house.
- But...
- But the police just came here, someone killed a woman in the Alley, Vincent's
girlfriend.
- Vincent's girlfriend?
- Are you surprised? Yes? - Xavier laugh - They came in my house first. BECAUSE
I'M A CRIMINAL FOR THEM. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!
Gaspard was toward the door, opened it and looked back. Again was hit with
another punch.
---
The bubble burst onto the pale face of Sebastian, he quickly rubbed his cheeks
and mouth with his hands. Thibaut laughed low and put a cigarette in his mouth
lightning it. Sebastian began humming a song. Thibaut wasn't quite sure if it
was London Calling or Venus in furs, but he did not bother with it at that
time. A boy with a beard was coming toward them. Gaspard. He lifted the
cigarette to his lips and removed it from the mouth with thin fingers. He saw
that Gaspard had blood on his face.
- You okay? - He asked blowing the smoke while talking.
- Thibaut...
- Gaspard...
Sebastian looked Gaspard and as well as Xavier, used a shield to defend
himself.
- Oh, look who's paying for the sins...
- Probably I'm going to pay for my sins for the rest of my life.
- Nothing more fair... You should be dead now, but... As they say... Life is
the worst punishment for sinners.
Gaspard didn't expect a good reception of Sebastian too.
- I have no choice...
- Not really, but... I see that someone has already begun the dirty work. So I
guess you better get out of my way, before I finish!
Thibaut interrupted the conversation.
- Where have you been? Why you run away?
- I was in London... And I'm gone because... I didn't want to pay for my sins.
Sebastian began to giggle.
- The school bully ran off because he was scared of the losers? Hm... I
expected more from you.
Gaspard began to walk toward the hotel where he was staying.
- You okay? - Thibaut asked.
- I'm just... Paying for my sins. - Gaspard replied while riding and
disappeared from sight of the two.
***** Close to the edge *****
Xavier was sure someday Gaspard would appear again and... Now he was prepared
to end with the boy's life as the boy did to him three years ago. Xavier drank
another sip. He didn't need a revolver, all he had to do was drink. A motor
racing.
Flashback
The skinny boy sitting at the table in the middle of the classroom, drawing
something on a sheet of notebook. Oriental eyes seeking the next color pencil
and skinny fingers taking ownership of the piece of wood. A shadow in front of
him, a punch in his desk. He raised his eyes. It was sad to see what kind of
person he'd fall in love normally. The boy spent his fingertip at his face and
he felt special somehow. He never felt special. The boy approached, kissed his
lips and then pushed him. He didn't know what to think. The boy punched his
nose and he fell to the floor along with the chair where he was sitting and
then just felt the pain of several punches hit his thin body. The room was
empty. The boy arrested with his legs and gave him a slap in the face, laughing
like a devil. He knew the boy was in power, then cracked. Let the boy hurt him
and at that time he discovered that no matter how much hurt physically he would
ask for more, he'd like, but only if the physically hurt. The classroom was
soon filled by a bunch of teenagers and he was laughing because the physical
pain he felt, sometimes even let out a moan. Then, he saw everyone and everyone
was laughing. He got up embarrassed and was shyly out of the classroom. All
week the laughter continued, year-round and with time passing and the laughter
rising, Xavier was going crazy, trying to explode his head, wanting to kill
them all, wanting to kill Gaspard. A while after Gaspard went on to abuse the
situation, provoking Xavier even more and in one of the times... Xavier ran
through the middle of the street and was hit by a car. Gaspard has found that
the situation couldn't get any worse, but... Xavier had that desire to see
people dying, suffering, but at that time the boy was afraid of the police. The
fear disappeared some time later when he formed his own idea of justice. He
would do with his bare hands, because he thought if he told someone no one
would believe anything... "Social disease, which makes the population increase
even with the sale of condoms. Social disease which causes people to kill other
people for no reason... For no reason?" He thought. One of his bad memories.
End of flashback
Xavier took the Pack of cigarettes and left home.
---
The folded arms to protect themselves from the cold. Thibaut was shaking. The
skinny and small body was freezing. Two arms are involved him. Sebastian. Some
people might see that scene with malice, but... They had to learn to take care
of each other so that the world will not swallow them. Thibaut had just 10
minutes to smoke a cigarette and come back into the market. A whistle. Pedro
came, and also, with his arms crossed, as if nothing had happened the night
before. He'd rather forget the bad things, life was too cruel to him.
- Have you seen? - Sebastian asked.
- What?
- Gaspard...
Pedro gasped.
- No... Gaspard?
- He appeared... Paying for his sins, you know...
- Why he didn't come to see me?
- I don't know, you're the only friend of him...
- You know what I think about it...
- Oh, Yes, Yes...
- Has anyone seen Xavier?
- Actually... - Thibaut said getting rid of Sebastian - Yes, I saw him and his
face was nothing good.
-The only person who gets happy when it encounters Gaspard is Pedro.
- And Vincent... - Pedro answered.
- Vincent... - Sebastian laughed - All right, shut up.
---
The cold was intense, took care of every Xavier's pore. How much colder he
felt, the more he liked, he liked the torture, but... Romantically. Discovered
in the bar where he worked, the address of the hotel in which Gaspard was. Put
a beanie on his head, closed the zipper jacket and entered. Was drunk. Looked
at the receptionist.
-I... I'm looking for a friend of mine... His name is Gaspard.
The receptionist straightened his tie, Xavier raised an eyebrow. "Show service,
child".
- Oh yes, what's your name?
- Vincent.
- Vincent... Hm... - The receptionist licked his lips - Wait a minute.
- Wait till an hour if need... - Xavier touched on the counter and bit the
corner of his lower lip, looking into receptionist's eyes. He knew he could
have anything, when he wanted.
The receptionist picked up the intercom and pressed a button.
- Mr Gaspard? Mr Vincent is here.
- You don't... You can call me "you"... - Xavier spent one finger over the
receptionist's face.
The receptionist turned off the intercom.
- Can climb... Room 23.
- Merci, monsieur réceptionniste.
The receptionist saw the devil in front of him. He felt a strange sensation.
Never been attracted to men, but...
---
Gaspard heard knocks on the door.
- Is open! - He said putting the cigarette in the ashtray and grabbed the beer
that was on the table. Xavier came into the room. Took the beanie off. -Xav? -
Gaspard hoped Vincent.
- Surprised? Oh, bummer... It's called "Street Law". Use your friends name in
your own benefit and... You've already done so much, right? - Xavier took the
beer from Gaspard's hand - I'll get that.
- You okay?
- I Am.
- What are you doing here?
- It's cold.
- Are you cold? I'm going to get a...
- Fuck it - He drank a sip of beer.
- I need to talk to you.
- Ok.
- I wanted to...
- All right, shut up. - Xavier sat.
- Shut the fuck up you...
Xavier put the beer on the table.
- What did you say?
- SHUT THE FUCK UP?
Xavier approached and put his hand on Gaspard's neck.
- I will not shut my mouth... - Xavier shook hands - You know what I wish? You
feel so much pleasure in pain as I feel. - He released Gaspard's neck.
- What happened to you?
- I don't know, I just...
Gaspard tried to get closer, but Xavier dodged.
- I wanted to apologize for what I did.
- I just... - Xavier put a cigarette in his mouth and laughed - I don't know
what I'm doing here. I need to go.
He lit the cigarette and left in direction to the door.
-Stay... - Gaspard scratched his head.
- No... I really need to go...
- But... Come back another day.
- I don't know. I might warn you before.
- You don't need to warn me... When you get back, don't need to use Vincent's
name.
- I said... Street law.
Xavier left the room and went down the stairs without a backward glance.
***** Stuck in the middle with you *****
Chapter Summary
     So I'm brazilian, can't speak english correctly AND NOW I'M A LITTLE
     BIT DRUNK, so pardon for the bad bad bad bad english, soon I'll
     resolve this. Well... Happy new year for you guys.
He walked a few blocks looking for someone in particular. That lady in red.
That Lady of the night. That particular Lady. A car passed alongside him and
almost ran him over. He didn't care, he just needed to find that woman... He
didn't know her name, nobody knows her name, but she was beautiful. The blond
hair well groomed, short red dress and pantyhose and shoe heels. He wanted to
take off her shoes and use, first as a weapon, then as... He thought it would
look good wearing those shoes, but at the moment all he could think about was
finding that woman. And there she was. Leaning on the lamppost, smoking a
cigarette. He came over, looked at the bottom of her blue eyes and with the
speed of an animal, knocked her down on the floor. The woman screamed, and he
advanced on her, covering her mouth. He just wanted the shoes... Just the
shoes... He took the girl's feet and left aside. Pulled the girl's dress,
ripping it in half and finally... Took the kitchen knife from his pocket and
stabbed into the woman's chest, who widened his eyes and then stopped
breathing.
-
Thibaut and Sebastian came back into the market. The night shift was a hell.
Drunk buying booze, beggars stealing food, husbands buying food for pregnant
wives. Sebastian had no patience. Pedro was helping Thibaut with some labels,
but Sebastian... He remembered all the times that they were judged by their
color, sexual orientation, hair, weight, every time the blood ran from his nose
and he didn't know how to defend themselves. Well... Now he knew, was no longer
a fragile child. Pedro and Thibaut labeling things and Sebastian organizing the
shelves. Xavier entered the hallway, was shot down. Crossed his arms.
- You... Hi. - He said.
Pedro stopped what he was doing and went to the boy.
- Where were you?
- Walking.
- Where?
- Pedro, for the fuck sakes. - Xavier passed both hands over his face.
- Fine... I'll stop.
A silence remained in the hallway, everybody could hear the sound of the four
wind banging on food cans.
- Thanks, Xavier. - Sebastian said.
- For what?
- Gaspard...
Xavier was silent, the same silence as before, only more disturbing. Xavier
knew that Sebastian was talking about, but he didn't want to think about that,
he just wanted to have killed Gaspard with one slow and painful blow. His mind
was constantly affected by those thoughts. He knew that if he wasn't more the
college chinese girl, people would respect him. And that's what he did... Pedro
just feared he would become in some kind of monster. The sound of boots
stomping on the floor. That noise was... But what the hell Gaspard would be
doing that time there?
- That jerk again? - Sebastian asked -I am loving working here and I'm still
going to have to see his face. AGAIN?
Xavier continued in silence. Pedro was looking for Gaspard. The boy was in the
hallway of the drinks and filled a cart with various and several bottles. Pedro
came to him.
- GASPIRATOR!
From the other corridor they could hear Sebastian express his anger in Ruffles
bags.
- Pedro...
- What happened to your face?
- Not a big deal, I'm just paying for my sins.
- Will drink it all alone?
Gaspard shook his head.
- If you had seen what I saw now...
- What you... Gaspard...
- They killed another woman. I confess that I went after Xavier when he left my
apartment, but he ran out and I went back and I saw that woman dead. Normally I
wouldn't be scary, but... If you aren't innocent then you must to fear
everything.
Pedro remembered Vincent's girlfriend dead alongside his club.
- Another?
- Another...
Pedro walked off to the other corridor. Gaspard followed him, he knew he could
leave the drinks there and then return without having been without it. Pedro
looked at Xavier and Gaspard was surprised to see the boy there, standing in
silence. Suddenly, everyone started looking at Xavier and the silence is gone.
- Why are you looking at me?
- Where were you, Xavier?
- I already said... Walking... - Xavier stopped to think for a moment, and
deduced that Pedro thought he had killed those two girls -What? - He started
laughing - Do you think that I... - He stopped, knew it wasn't worth his time
to continue - You know... Things like that make me lose my faith in you. - He
put the cigarette in his mouth and walked away.
- Xavier, get back here! I haven't finished! - Pedro cried, just like a mother
would do.
Xavier turned around facing the other four and continued walking backwards.
- This just... It's not worth it. - He raised his arms and continued walking.
Thibaut hit Gaspard's shoulder.
- Goes after him, I'll talk to both here.
Gaspard walked away after Xavier.
***** I hope that no one ever leaves 'cause I don't wanna be alone with me.
*****
Xavier sat down behind the market. Empty Street, cold wind, he could think
about everything without feeling anger. The time he spent in jail made him
stand so cold with life, with people, maybe Pedro was right in thinking that,
but Xavier knew it wasn't true, despite the wish never miss. He allowed more
crying, anyone could try to hurt him except Pedro. And then Xavier collapsed,
how Pedro could think that? The strong and brave Xavier collapsed in a needy
and sad child. Long time since he felt weak that way. Wanted to stop crying,
but couldn't. And... Which was the need for Gaspard go after him? The boy
stopped standing in front of him and he quickly stood up and walked away.
Gaspard was behind.
- Can I ask you a question? - Xavier asked.
- Yes.
- Why don't you leave me alone?
- Because I don't want to leave you alone.
Xavier stopped moving, crouched and supported his hands on his knees.
- Seriously... Just get out of my life.
- I just wanted to... Talk with you.
- Talk about what? About how it was nice when I almost died? I really should
have died.
Gaspard approached, but Xavier dodged as a scared animal.
- No, I want to talk about how I could have done everything differently.
 - I could also have done everything differently, - Xavier paused and began to
giggle while he wept -now you... Look at me, what am I? A criminal... -
Continued laughing and crying at the same time and then got serious - My
friends don't believe in me and I'm talking to the only person I didn't want to
talk in my entire life... End of career...
- Let me try to explain.
- Explain what? There's nothing to explain.
- Explain why I did all that... Let me just...
- You did it because you're a crazy, insane. And well... - Xavier laughed again
- I am also now, I feel like they made a brainwash me. Thank You, Gaspard!
Thanks a lot! - He cheered while he wept and laughed.
- I did it because... Yes... I was insane, crazy... Crazy about you.
Xavier looked into Gaspard's eyes, a demon out of it and walked through the
parking lot. He laughed again.
- Fuck you... This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous.
- I'm seriously.
- Seriously? Cool, good for you, you know when I stopped believing in all of
this?
- Xavier...
- I hate you.  
- I know.
- The only thing I wanted was that you to stop, but you didn't stop.
- I know this.
- Go to hell...
Xavier started walking, but Gaspard was behind.
- Thibaut told me to come with you.  
- You're funny...
- I love you.
- Fuck you.
Gaspard took Xavier by the arm and looked into his eyes.
- I hit you, I cursed you, I made your life a living hell, because I didn't
know how to do it any other way. I wanted to be close, I wanted to hear your
voice, I wanted to... I wanted you to look at me, but who would look at me?
You? You're so clever, so beautiful... You didn't know how to deal with who you
were and still are.
Xavier started crying again.
- Let me go.
- You can't deal with people who love you, you don't know how to handle it and
I don't blame you, because I didn't know either.
- Let me go.
- You don't know how to handle it... - Gaspard spent one of his fingers by
Xavier's face and the boy cried even more - I just came back to apologize and
try to get all this... And...
- Back to hell from whence you came. - Xavier bit his lip hard and lowered his
head.
-No... I don't want to live in hell.
- Then let me out there.
- No.
- Why? - Xavier looked to Gaspard -Have you seen just... None of it is worth,
I'm not worth it. Just leave me alone.
-I'm not giving up on you, no. Now I know how to handle that, I can handle what
I did. And if you thought at some point I got scared when you decided to beat
me up... No, I was kind of expecting it, I was kind of expecting everything
that Sebastian told me, I expected all this. I never had friends, Xavier, I put
fear in people, I beat who could be my friend because I never knew what else to
do, being rejected by you? I would do a whole lot worse if that happened and
the probability of you rejecting me was greater than the probability of I go
and talk to you about, I dunno, how the day was beautiful, I never stopped to
pay attention to anything, I'd rather look at you, but you looked at me and
went running, I had to make you stay somehow and I chose the wrong way.
- Why? I would never reject you... - Xavier began to laugh again - I loved it
when you beat me... I felt horny at, you could kill me and I would die moaning
not of pain, but of pleasure. You see... I'm not worth it. Now let me go.
Gaspard started crying and pulled Xavier, hugging him.
- I won't let you go, not this time.
- I didn't... You did. - Xavier tried to fend off Gaspard.
-I'm not going to go away.
- I don't believe you. I don't believe in one word that comes out of your
mouth.  
- I know... But that's okay, because I know I'm telling the truth.
- What does it matter? Fuck your love, fuck your truth, fuck it... - Xavier
pushed Gaspard -Has another dead woman and they don't believe me.
- I believe in you, Xavier.
- You're not my friend.
-
Vincent looked at his watch. He thought that the next day the police would
interrogate everyone. Xavier would be the first, Pedro the second, and he the
third. He was tired, but couldn't sleep and needed good news. He turned on the
television. Good news? Another dead woman? He unplugged the TV and threw the
control away, then cower on the couch.
-
Sebastian was facing Thibaut with fire in his eyes. He didn't want to accept
that the other had sent Gaspard go after Xavier. And safety, where it was? And
Sebastian knew, one day or another, Xavier would stop behaving that way and
would give, would believe Gaspard, would betray everyone, Sebastian knew.
Thibaut knew even Gaspard having done everything that he done, didn't deserve
to be treated that way. Thibaut was the neutral element of the whole thing, a
kind of divinity peacekeeper.
Pedro knew that he had been tough on Xavier and in his heart he knew it wasn't
him that was killing those people, but Pedro acted like an overprotective
mother and hard on his children's education. Pedro didn't want Xavier came back
to jail, remember always that day when the police knocked on his door and took
Xavier in the car, claiming the boy had killed a man who was at the gas
station. "That kid stole me and think it's going to be okay? I just went to get
what was mine back ... The body of the motherfucker with my money made powder
spread over there" Xavier told Pedro in one of the visits day.
-
- I'm not, but I always wanted to be your friend. - Said Gaspard lighting a
cigarette.
***** Mama, just killed a man *****
Spilled a little coffee in hist mug, sat in the chair and passed both hands
over his face, rubbing it compulsively. He remembered the night before, for
years didn't feel so weak, for years felt no urge to kill anyone, but well...
That night felt like revenge into his own hands, but he knew that if he did
that, he'll go back to jail.
Flashback
Xavier left Pedro's house towards the bar to buy cigarettes and then
immediately go to his house. Pedro had that feeling that something would go
wrong, tried to get Xavier get in every possible way, but failed miserably. The
boy gave ten steps and a man stopped in front of him with a gun in his hand and
held out the other.
- Give Me all the money you got there.
- What did you say? - Xavier raised his eyebrow.
- The money! Give me! Now!
- What did you say?
- THE FUCKING MONEY! - The man put the gun in Xavier's belly.
- Uuuuuhhhh... - Xavier smiled, he wasn't afraid of death.
- Let me be clear, let me borrow all this money you have in your pocket and
I'll be good to you.
Xavier looked at the man's face that didn't even bother to cover it with a
shower cap, stuck his hand in his pocket, took the money and put in the man's
hand. 150 euros more precisely.
At the night Xavier rode on his motorcycle and went out with it down the
street, he knew that man from somewhere... Then went to the gas station. Xavier
got off the motorcycle and took off his helmet. The rain washed his black hair
while he put his hand inside his jacket. He took the bangs from his eyes and
looked at the man who was on his back. - Hey! - Xavier said. At that time the
world stopped for the man. He felt his breath stop along.
- You scared me! - The man laughed and relaxed - Are you ok?
Xavier smiled.
- Yeah... I just came... Charge my money... With the fucking bank interest. -
Xavier lifted the revolver.
The man started to shake. At the moment several things went through his head,
including that he needed to have another approach in time for a robbery,
"borrow me your money?", he wondered, "I am a shithead..."
- I'll buy you everything, man. Put that gun down and we can talk...
- I don't want to talk to you, I have the walls of my house for that purpose.
"Borrow me your money? How I'm stupid..."
- Ok, so we didn't talk, but put that gun down...
- Can I borrow your life and everything is right...
Xavier pulled the trigger.
Cold.
Without any feels.
Kept the revolver, climbed on the motorcycle and went home.
End of flashback.
The phone rang, but he didn't listen. Rang again. His hands were from his face
to his knees. He sighed and picked up the phone.
- Xavier... - It was Pedro -Xavier... Answer... I need to talk to you.
- Going to report me for something I didn't do just because I killed a man?
- Of course not... Let me talk to you...
Xavier hung up the phone.
-
Pedro felt a weight drop on his shoulders, he wanted to ask someone to go to
Xavier's house to see how he was doing, if he needed anything, if he was
eating, sleeping well, but knew that anyone who was there would be kicked out.
He heard the doorbell ring. And then the door open. Was Vincent. The boy
removed his glasses and put it on his head like a princess crown.
- Great Pedro...
Pedro straightened his hair behind his ear and crossed his arms.
- Kavo...
- What dark circles are those?
Pedro knew if he answered that he was worried about Xavier, Vincent would call
him Nanny McPhee or Mary Poppins, or anything like that, so...
- I didn't sleep this night. Did you see Gaspard around?
- Nah! But I wish I had seen... I miss him.
- I wish I had seen him too... I wish I had seen him before...
- He take a few punches of Xav?
- Hell...
- That's what I'm talking about... I've receive my punches... Why can't he
receive his punches? Fuck...
- Of what hole do you came from?
- Père-Lachaise, mon ami.
- Hell...
- That's what I'm talking about...
***** I see a little silhouette of a man *****
Xavier took his cigarette, the lighter and left home. Around the corner he sat
down on the sidewalk and stood there looking at the street. Thought about
several things, from why people are so selfish (including himself), being so
sad, lonely and continue answering everything and everyone with a smile on
their face. Thought of street children, in pain, in jail, in solitude, in
truth, in lie, the feelings that involve people, those dead women, in Pedro and
his mistrust, Pedro was the only person who could hurt him now, was the only
person who could make him cry and at that moment he felt like crying, felt like
he wanted to escape, he wanted to be arrested again just to stay away from that
situation. For years he waited Gaspard back. He wasn't so sure if he should
punish people or if he should continue, he had his piano, what could be wrong?
Yes, he knew. The fact that Pedro doubt him bothered him more than the fact
that Gaspard come back. He thought that maybe he should go after Pedro and
invent any alibi to at least have his trust again. "What Curtis Mayfield do?",
the answer was obvious and came seconds after clearly in his head "fuck", but
... "What Stevie Wonder do?", another clear answer "Pedro, I'm sorry, but you
are wrong... I wrote a song for you...". Xavier hated to lose these nonsense
thoughts, all mixed together, the next word after "mixed" would be "cake". He
felt hungry, but the horn of the cars feed him. Was lost again in pointless
thoughts... John Linley Frazier went through his head at that moment and he
remembered when he killed that man. "Why I'm the only one who can feel pain?".
-Xavier...
"Why?"
- Xavier...
He heard the sound of fingers click.
"Why?"
- Xavier, you okay?
He put the cigarette in his mouth, sometimes heard people talking and he
couldn't associate the voices.
- Xav...
A hand on his shoulder. Xavier looked to the side and Gaspard was there...
Calling him a few minutes ago.
- Hi.
Gaspard has always had a feeling that was not welcome, but...
- What are you doing here?
- Thinking about those things.
- What things?
- Did you ever stop to think that we're nothing close to that?
Gaspard raised an eyebrow.
- What do you mean?
- Nobody is nothing close to that... - Xavier pointed the street.
Gaspard understood.
- I've really thought about it, yes... - And smiled, Xavier was not aloof from
that time, he felt he could talk quietly with the boy.
- It's sad, but at the same time it is good to think about it.
- I Agree... In the end... This continues and no one else...
- No one else continues.
- Yeah...
- I wish when I was away from here - Xavier pointed out the floor - to there -
punched the ground - I was remembered for something good that I did, but I've
never done anything to be proud of for anyone.
- Me neither, but... You can still do.
- I Can. - Xavier smiled.
- And I hope I also can...
- You Really never did anything good.
- I did, but the only good thing that I did was bad.
Xavier laughed. Gaspard miss that, It was the only thing that was left of old
Xavier. Gaspard scratched his head shyly.
- Sometimes bad things are cool. - Xavier said and threw his cigarette on the
asphalt.
- Yes...
- I missed you.
Gaspard certainly didn't expect that, spent days sitting in a station bench
listening to music and thinking about coming back, expect anything but that...
- I missed you too.
Xavier took the pack of cigarettes, took one and extended to Gaspard.
- Thanks... - He took the cigarette.
- Why did you leave?
- Because... - He put the cigarette in his mouth and lit it, swallowed the
smoke slowly and loosened it quickly - Because I didn't want to face you and...
- Gaspard saw a person with a dark hood walking quickly down the street away
from cars, seemed lost, and ran in heels, had an object in his hand, Gaspard
was unable to identify.
Xavier looked to Gaspard and saw what he was looking for a third person. Xavier
started noticing that person too and knew that this person wasn't there
stupidly. And the person turned around. She was a woman, or at least seemed to
be, Xavier stretched the body trying to see the person's face. He was a man,
blond, tall, didn't need heels shoes to look tall, but wore in the same way
and... Xavier knew that man. Paris is not a small town, but the underworld was
and Xavier knew this universe. Xavier looked at the boy's hand and saw an
object.
- But... - He said.
Gaspard looked at Xavier and the boy was red in anger.
- Xav...
Xavier didn't hear.
- Son of a bitch! - Xavier said and stood up.
- Xav...
Gaspard called him again, but the other didn't answer. Gaspard had the feeling
that Xavier was going behind the boy and start a fight or an argument, but at
that moment the boy jump and blond hair was gone from their views. Xavier put
his hands in his pocket.
- Hi... - Xavier answered and still red.
- You know that woman?
- Leave Me alone... - And walked away.
Gaspard was behind. Moments like that were rare, even not knowing how Xavier
would react, he decided to take a chance.
- Forget it, Xavier and...
- You don't understand. You don't underst... - Xavier thought for a moment and
decided to forget it - Ok, let her go.
- Do you want to drink?
- Yes...
***** I'll carry you home tonight *****
Sebastian wasn't talking with Thibaut. Every time Thibaut tried to get closer,
Sebastian turned to mark a product. Thibaut just didn't understand why being so
radical, but he also knew that Sebastian had his reasons. Thibaut touched
Sebastian's shoulders and the boy dodged.
- Seb...
- Why do you do these things?
- Seb, you know you're overreacting, yes?
- Overreacting? - Sebastian thought to start a discussion, but he knew he were
overreacting, he knew that it wouldn't take anyone anywhere - Forget it...
Thibaut approached, grabbed Sebastian's hand and cuddle it with his fingers.
- I never worried with Xavier because I know that I don't need.
- Yes, you need, and you know what I'm talking about...
- Forget him, my god...
- But...
- Forget him...
Thibaut approached and kissed Sebastian's lips.
- Ok... - Sebastian replied and smiled.
- Let's go, Yes?
- I haven't finished it.
- Yes, you finished it.
- No.
- Yes... - Thibaut pulled Sebastian by the arm - Do you know what we need?
Drink.
Sebastian placed the milk bottles on the shelf, took off his apron and both
came out.
It was open bar night. Pedro did it once a week, after all. Then it was day of
full House. Pedro used to be glum in these days, he thought people wouldn't go
for the music, just for the drink, but... He went up to his cabin and Anna was
picking some albums. Was 11:00 pm. The tradition was always play first anything
from 70's, ended up getting a little bit theme, but people liked. Then the girl
took the cover Off the wall and put into play. Track number one. Pedro began to
cheer. He looked at the dance floor and Xavier had come in. Along with Gaspard.
Pedro has raised an eyebrow, Anna raised her shoulders, put the next album on
the table and looked at the cover: Hues Corporation. The girl smiled. Sebastian
and Thibaut entered soon after and went to the bar, Xavier was there and
Sebastian saw that Gaspard was with him... The white boy turned his back and
walked out to the middle of the people but saw that Vincent was in his
direction, raised his arms as if he say "Ok, I'll get out of this place" and
walked back to the bar, he felt surrounded, he figured he needed to close his
fists and start a fight. Xavier shook his head and asked for a beer. The waiter
looked at him and put the open bottle on the counter, but Xavier had already
seen the waiter before he be there, Xavier closed his eyes and could only
imagine the waiter running down the street with heels and a black hood that
covered his entire body. Jackson, was his name. Xavier wondered where that boy
kept the knife and how did him manage to look so clean in less than 15 minutes.
Xavier knew that blood wasn't an easy thing to get cleaned up, but he could
have been mistaken, so... Took the beer and drank a sip.
- GASPIRATOR!
- Vincent... - Gaspard replied.
- Fight club... All right, all right... - Sebastian commented.
- Uh, and he began... Sebastian, you don't need this, dude... - Vincent Said.
Sebastian walked away and Vincent went after. Thibaut looked the scene and
lifted his hand to Jackson give him a beer.
- AND NOW I'M THE ONE WHO BEGAN... - He cried.
Gaspard stood there watching the whole thing and thought a lot of things at the
moment.
- Pull yourself together, Breakybreaky. - Xavier said - Just drink...
Everybody could heard a sound and then a group of people trying to break up a
fight. Only sebastian was beating, Vincent only kept quiet.
- That's what I'm talking about, Gaspirator! - Vincent said to Gaspard while
disappeared in the midst of the people.
Gaspard saw that Sebastian came back to the bar. The boy sat next to Thibaut
and Thibaut only looked at the bottle. Gaspard felt like asking what was
happening, but didn't want to take a punch of Sebastian, so kept quiet...
Sebastian knew that Thibaut was angry and knew that anywhere that Thibaut was,
he would have to be too. Sebastian just didn't know if Thibaut's anger was from
him or Vincent or the situation and he didn't know if Thibaut wanted his
company at that moment.
- Tense atmosphere, huh? - Jackson asked.
Gaspard just shook his head. Thibaut got up and walked out to the middle of the
people and Sebastian put both hands in his head. Gaspard really wanted to know
what was happening, but despite not ask he deduced some things. "Sebastian
hates Vincent, but isn't that what Vincent wants, Thibaut loves Sebastian, but
Sebastian doesn't know how to do things right and Xavier... Well..."
- Fuck off... - Xavier stood up and went to the middle of the people dancing.
Gaspard merely look. Felt old, felt nostalgic, felt weird, he knew when to
solve appear everything would be different, but surely he didn't think the size
of the difference. Never noticed that Xavier now had tattoos for every inch of
his arm, or that Sebastian perhaps hadn't changed that much, or that... Thibaut
now was drinking a lot, even if it was in a completely different city, with the
houses changing color every two days, people dying... People dying. Gaspard
spent watching Xavier and remembered that dead woman, getting lost entirely in
his own thoughts, in own trials, he thought that judgments are not always bad,
thought that everyone who is innocent was judged innocent and Xavier at the
time was being judged guilty. Thought crazy things like decrease the waiter's
height in 15 cm and... Gaspard looked at the waiter and had a bad feeling.
- It wasn't what you expected... - Sebastian said in a low voice, Gaspard
looked to the side and continued in silence - Sometimes I blame you and Vincent
by the behavior of people, including me. But... What happened? What do you
expect to find, Gaspard? A bunch of depressed people reading Rimbaud in school
garden?
- No, but tells me... Are you happy?
- No, I work in a market and the person I love is mad at me.
- Cause he thinks you love Vincent?
- Yeah... And I hate him.
- Do you really hate?
- I dunno... I just don't love...
- And do you really think that Thibaut thinks this about you?
- I don't know what he thinks...
Xavier had danced one song and was tired, he thought he needed to quit smoking
and went to the bar, threw the blouse on the counter and looked at Sebastian.
- Jesus wants to speak with you...
Gaspard laughed low and Xavier turned to him, raising his eyebrow, making the
other swallow laughter, disguise and drinking a sip of beer. Then both laugh
low.
- Fuck you, China girl...
- UHHHH... - Xavier lifted his arms.
Sebastian got up and went after Thibaut.
- You okay? - Gaspard asked.
- Yes... Just... - Called the waiter with his hand and asked for a shot of
vodka straight up.
- I liked the tattoos.
- Thanks... - Xavier kept staring at his own arms.
"Give me a second I, I need to get my story straight, my friends are in the
bathroom getting higher than the empire state. My lover he's waiting for me
just across the bar. My seat has been taken by some sunglasses asking about a
scar and I know I gave it to you months ago, I know you're trying to forget,
but between the drinks and subtle things, the holes in my apologies, you know,
I'm trying hard to take it back."
Thibaut was outside and Sebastian didn't take long to find it. Thibaut could
smell.
- Aren't you cold? - Sebastian asked.
- A lil' bit, but... I can take it.
- Want to talk to me?
- Yes... Just... - Thibaut drank a sip of his beer - Do you really like me?
- I love you.
- And Vincent?
- Dead...
- Do you assume me for the people?
- Sure... But...
- But you don't want to? Alright... I'll forget... And we'll be fine.
Thibaut knew how to handle losses, knew how to handle situations like this, he
knew how to handle his own personality and he wouldn't change it, nor for
Sebastian, or Chris, or anyone else. He was always alone since there was some
certainty of life and at that point he didn't have. He knew that Sebastian and
Vincent's story and certainly didn't want to be a part of it, as much as the
danger of that story were attractive.
- Listen... I want to... Just that you have to understand that I can't do
anything right. I never did, I almost killed you once and you remember that, I
don't know how to control myself...
- Of course you don't know... And of course if you choose to take me to the
people the following week would fly away on the other's car...
- Wait! I'm not like this... I just have... Anger. Would never trade you for
that... That person...
- You know, I like you... And even when you almost killed me I continued loving
you, if that's not love, then I'm sorry, but I don't know anything about it.
"So if by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down, I'll carry
you home tonight"
Sebastian knew it was strange for him, but he also knew he had to do something
to stay in peace and Thibaut was the right person for it, he wouldn't trade it
for any danger, he wanted to make cake and popcorn and be with Thibaut watching
Blaxploitation movies, this is what he wanted. He approached and embraced
Thibaut.
- Forget it. Let's go home.
- Yours or mine?
Sebastian laughed.
- Whatever...
***** Jack on the moon *****
Chapter Notes
     I have to thank to Cherry, because... Bebêrland it's fucking good in
     english :')
     Thank you so much, bot. <3
Waiter? Yes, perhaps to fill the time and also make some money. He wanted much
more than money. Wanted to be a person whom he wasn’t, he was not born like he
wanted, he was a man, in his head was a man, but… His cruelty was feminine. He
began stealing products like makeup and bags and in a failed attempt of
stealing, he made a hostage. It was there that he met Xavier, but… Everything
is different in jail, he didn’t understand why Xavier didn’t say anything to
anybody when he saw him at the bar… Maybe it was some sort of jail command or
Xavier was waiting for the right moment to tell everything that he knew and… In
this case, he would need to be prepared. The homosexuals chain cells normally
became a kind of whorehouse, but Xavier’s chain cell didn’t… He wondered why
but then remembered that Xavier was protected by some mobsters who were there,
so this question already had an answer. He was standing in a corner, wiping
nicotine dirt from his hands in prison uniform, thinking of when he got out of
there, he thought about escaping in a ship or anything like that, just cause
there, he was alone. It was the longest year of his life and he knew that the
year had been long for Xavier too and also usually thought Xavier was braver,
he had only made one person hostage and was indicted for attempt of murder, but
Xavier didn’t… Xavier went to the gas station and did what he thought he should
do, without a plan, without anything. Then he began to plan the things he
thought he needed to do. To the very beginning, he wanted a red dress and red
nail polish and… To grow 15 centimeters with a high-heeled shoe. And he wanted
a knife. He hated women simply because he wasn’t one. And he had references…
Jack the ripper for example, Ted Bundy…
- Don’t I know you?
Jackson looked at Xavier and noticed that no one was around and maybe Xavier
hadn’t spoken in front of people because he had his reasons.
- Do you know me?
- I’m not sure… I think I do… - Xavier was already drunk - But who cares,
right? - He laughed.
- Yeah… Who cares? - Jackson spent a cloth on the counter wet with beer.
- But didn’t you want to go to the USA?
Xavier remembered him.
- Yes… But until now, it haven’t happened.
- Then I know you…
At that moment, a man whom neither Xavier nor Jackson knew, sat next to Xavier.
He was black, beautiful and fragrant, Drakkar Noir maybe. Xavier looked at him
and got the feeling that he had seen that man and the man also knew Xavier like
a father knows a problematic son. Xavier raised a eyebrow.
- Do I know you?
- No, but nice to meet you. My name is René.
- René… - Xavier said with sleepy eyes and arms lying on the counter - I don’t
know any René. But… Nice to meet you, René… - Xavier tried to raise his hand to
greet the man, but he could barely stay seated - My name is X-x-xavier…
- Nice to meet you, Xavier…
Gaspard returned holding a blouse in his hands and touched Xavier’s back.
- Pedro told me to take you home.
- And do I get some punches? - Xavier asked and then laughed - Just kidding…
Gaspard was quiet and saw that the black man looked at him. Gaspard knew who he
was, but didn’t say anything. The truth is that the man knew the three of them,
knew Sebastian and Thibaut and also Thibaut’s father. That man knew all the bad
things of that city and also knew the underworld of that place like the palm of
his hand. That man has never been in jail, but was down to the police station
frequently. That man knew everything and could pass in the middle of people
without drawing attention, he could walk into a place where drug dealers
manufactured drugs and nobody would know who he was. And that was the
intention. The man waved to Gaspard while the boy tried to pick Xavier up to
his feet.
- All you get is loneeeeeeeely - Xavier started to sing.
-Turn your love around, ok, ok, you’re drunk. - The man said - Do you want some
help?
- Yes, please… - Gaspard said.
The man got up, put one of Xavier’s arms over his shoulder and helped Gaspard
get to the cab.
- Be safe, Xavier de Rosnay. - The man blinked and Xavier put his face out of
the window while the cabbie put his foot on the gas, Xavier raised an eyebrow
and stayed with that expression, which indicates that he wanted to say
something, but he started to stutter before it could be finished. Gaspard
pulled him back into the cab.
Going back into the Club, the black man looked at Pedro. Anna put her hand on
her forehead.
- No, not now, Pedro. - The girl said and Pedro was heading towards the bar -
Fuck!
- Are you the owner of this place? - The man asked.
- Yes… And who are you?
- René… - The man raised his hand.
- Pedro. - Pedro shook the man’s hand.
Jackson took off the apron.
- Can I go? - He asked.
- Yes, you can, Jack. Thank you, good night.
René watched Jackson as he left. Noticed all the details and thought, in terms
of proportion, how the boy would be 15 inches taller. Created a mind map with
all the characteristics of that blond boy. Pedro looked at him and thought that
the way he looked at Jackson was strange but also thought “no, you’re not going
to flirt with him…”.
- This boy… How long has he been working here?
- For about a week, he’s good… I’ll give him a pay raise soon.
- Does he live near here? Does he has another job?
Pedro frowned.
- What the …
- It is a subject of extreme urgency… Does he has another job?
- I don’t know.
- Does he use drugs?
- Probably, but why?
- I can’t say, but believe me, you should be as interested in this as I am.
He’s the one who pays us, not the other way around.
- Why did you say “pays us”?
René laughed and lit a cigarette.
- Because if it wasn’t for the waiters where would we drink to relax to be able
to work better, right?
Pedro was quiet cause he realized that it made sense.
***** Across the 110th street *****
Chapter Notes
     Thank you, thank you babybot ♥
History always had lots of interesting and important characters -most part of
the time, interesting, only-. Danger, risk… Maybe always on the same scenery,
on the same place, on the same city, because whenever there’s an protagonist
there’s an coadjuvant. If at some moment the protagonist was Charles Manson,
the coadjuvant was John Linley Frazier. If at another moment the star of the
show was Ray Charles, at the same time Quincy Jones could be the coadjuvant,
etc, etc… On that moment there was no star… There was nothing, not even a
coadjuvant… Just the scenery, and this scenery was the 110th street. You can
compare this scenery to any movie set from Valley Of The Dolls, including the
stages and those scenic objects from any play: Drugs, fake lashes, sparkling
dresses, imaginary red carpets, needles, stray cats churning cans, pools of
water, urine, blood; prostitution, anti-heroes, brightly colored and bleached
hair, broken hearts, alcohol, cause you know… A pill can make you immune to
danger and emptiness… A pill can help you make friends, go on the stage and
make the crowd pay you, when this payment comes, half of it goes to your bills,
the other half goes to more pills, and life goes on.
Now, this is the 110th street. A blue sign nailed to a brick wall. Leaned on
that wall there’s a 27 year old woman, ginger, she has freckles all over her
pores, wearing a red dress and an black heels, buckles hold her ankles, her
white legs turn red from the lights of a neon sign across the street and she
hears moans and sax, a beautiful vibrato that only black people can reach,
people from church, people of God… God? She stumps her foot on the wet ground
and hears something moving in the bushes behind the wall, she thinks of running
but she wants to be the protagonist of the night, make the moans hush, make the
sax play just for her, make the vibrato sound for her… But the other one was
late and she needed to be, besides being the protagonist, pass him the goods.
She hears a distant cough as the lamp lights light the white face of a man that
doesn’t even care about being discreet, he smiles, she smiles back. He wasn’t
the one she was waiting for and she thought it was odd but it was okay cause
she was the protagonist that night… The man came closer to the ginger lady and
stared at her shoes.
- Nice shoes…
The lady smiled and thanked.
- My boyfriend bought them for me.
The man came even closer and the lady couldn’t hear the moans anymore, nor the
sax or the vibrato, she could only hear the other person’s amended breathing.
- You know, I’ve never had shoes like these… - The man put one of his hands on
his pocket.
- What did you say?
The man pulled a rag out of it, took the chance of putting it on her mouth
while she was smiling. Her instinct made her tried to run, he didn’t let her.
He held her arms and tied them.
- You also have beautiful breasts… - He said while slipping a knife on her rosy
white skin, she groaned as she was trying to say something or scream, the man
chuckled and smiled - I’ve also never had breasts like these… What a pity… -
She then kicked in between his legs while he kept the smile on - You know, in
all these years… You… Want to kick me in the balls… In all these years this was
the funniest thing that I’ve seen… But it’s okay, I’ll explain to you, I got
them cut off, and THAT hurt… Now… It was a pleasure to meet you… -The man
kissed her face and then started a small cut over her chest, then increased it
more and more. She fell over, feeling sick and weak until finally passing out,
he felt that that was the time for him to leave the stage for the girl who was
no longer the protagonist, well maybe in underworld’s heaven- If it exists… -
He said and took off her dress and shoes to throw them away in a near trash can
- Linda Healy’s going to like your hair, girl… - The man walked back to where
he initially came from.  
--
Xavier opened his eyes, he has had nightmares, contracted his eyelids and felt
his head grow the size of a zeppelin. He looked on his side and saw an unknown
lamp, looked to the window and it was already daytime, looked to his other side
and there was Gaspard, sleeping. His eyes widened.
- Shit… - On that moment he heard sirens on the street… as always. His phone
rang, Xavier put his hands inside his blanket and noticed that he had no pants
on. “Where are my goddamn pants at?”. He noticed then in a near chair and got
up quietly to get them back, Gaspard turned himself on the bed and Xavier
picked up the phone quickly. Unknown number, He answered the call.
- Who is it?
- René…
- Who? - Xavier only needed to think for a moment to remember the past night at
Pedro’s bar - Oh, right, what is it?
- I need your help.
- What? What for?
- Can you meet me at the 110th?
He thought about it and even not minding about the illegal stuff that happens
at the 110th street, he didn’t like going there… He hated the smell. Xavier
rolled his eyes.
- Why does it has to be there?
- Because i’m already here and I must confess that I had everything under
control until yesterday but now I don’t really know what to do…
- I’m asexual. - Said Xavier on a attempt of not going to that street.
- Xavier! Pay more respect to me. I’ve helped you a lot even if you don’t know
that…
- Wait… - Xavier remembered the time when he was found guilty for that man’s
death, remembered a face amongst the jury, the only one who thought about the
reasons behind it, the anger, the past - Wait… Your name isn’t Rene…
- No! Now come help me I have no time for flashback.
- Mehdi!
- Xavier… Come here quickly before I get an arrest warrant for you right now
even if you didn’t do a thing.
Xavier thought about the gratitude he felt when he saw that man’s face in the
jury, that man with his hands on his head, looking at the others with
reproachful eyes.
- I’m coming. - Xavier looked at Gaspard. saw that the keys were over the
bedside table, put on his pants, got the keys and walked to the door, knowing
that if he left the door open someone could break into Gaspard’s room, so he
opened the door and then slammed it closed to wake Gaspard up and that’s what
the other did. He didn’t see the other one when he looked to his side, going to
the door he saw that Xavier had already descended the stairs.
Xavier walked to the 110th street, it was near the hotel where Gaspard was
staying. He saw lots of police cars surrounding the place when he got there,
lead a cigarette to his mouth and a hand to his pocket to get a lighter when
Mehdi came waling in his direction.
- Xavier! Why did you take so long?
- Shit, I had no money… I had to walk here. What happened here… again?
The 110th street already had other protagonists and coadjuvants before that
woman’s body. As said previously… Valley Of The Dolls.
- That…
Mehdi pointed to a woman’s corpse. Xavier lit his cigarette.
- Okay… Do you think it was me who killed her?
- Well, of course not… If i thought that, I would’ve already sent a cop to the
hotel to get you by your hair as you already know. - Mehdi smiled.
- Then why do you need my help?
- I need you to help me trace the assassin’s personality. I’m a detective but
you know that I’ve never been in prison but YOU have, I know all sorts of
people but… You know it better than I do…
Xavier laughed.
- What?
- Is that it? How am I going to get into a killer’s mind if I’ve never killed
anyone? By conclusions? Wrong. Conclusions, evidences, clues… Any detective can
get that and i don’t trust people who work with the law… - Mehdi coughed -
Superior people… medical examiners, psychologists and psychiatrists? I don’t
want that, I want to practice it, I want ideas, I want assurance. You know… a
psychologist once told me that this murderer is probably a transvestite, but i
don’t want a “probably”, i want a “YES HE IS A TRANSVESTITE” or… Well… Follow
me…
Xavier took the cigarette from his mouth and let out a puff of smoke slowly,
following Mehdi while he walked amongst the other policemen. Mehdi stopped by
the corpse with Xavier besides him.
- Okay… Is the drug still inside her purse?
- Yes… - Mehdi looked at Xavier and that was exactly what the detective wanted,
he smiled - A hundred grams…
- Was the package open?
- No…
- She was going to give it to someone else, it wasn’t for own consumption.
- Yes and also… This “someone” didn’t come, if they had done she wouldn’t be
with it anymore, even dead, they would just take it anyway.
- Exactly… At least that’s what i would do if was for me. Disregarding the one
who would get the package, if the killer didn’t take the drug or money, this
person isn’t interested in any of that, discard the junkies… Mostly by the cut
over her chest… What kind of drug addict would do this? - Xavier chuckled.
- The best they’d do would be taking pills to sleep.
- That’s it… - Xavier looked at her purse, red… - Her dress was red, her shoes…
probably not and… - He walked closer to her head - This place didn’t smell good
already… Shit… - Xavier saw that there was a trash can near the body that had
an arm pointed to it - I refuse to put my hands into anything here… Ask for one
of your men to look at it.
Mehdi didn’t ask for anyone to do it, he walked to the trash can and opened it.
- You’re right… Her shoes were black and the dress, red.
- They matched the purse.
- If it’s a transvestite… Why didn’t they take the dress or the shoes?
- Cause if someone caught him he would be screwed and I don’t think that’s
something he wants… - Xavier looked at the pavement - Is there any footprint?
- No… Just… high-heeled shoes… The size matches the victim’s feet.
- Any unlit cigarette?
- No, only the victim’s…
- How do you know it’s hers?
- The lipstick…
- Mehdi… If you wanted to be a woman, what would be the first thing you’d buy?
- A lipstick…
- Bingo.
Mehdi crossed his arms.
- I’m sending it to analysis.
- Yes but what’s if it’s from this lady…
- I’m sending it to analysis. - Mehdi called for a cop and a man came running,
got down and picked up the cigarette butts then put them on a transparent
plastic bag. Xavier laughed.
- That’s so… Ted Bundy…
Mehdi looked at the dead woman on the pavement and thought about the pictures
of a lady called Lynda Healey that a medical examiner showed him once on a
lecture.
- That’s it Xavier… The only things that change are the pattern and the
reasons… I guess.
- The pattern may have changed, maybe the killer is a transvestite, but you
have to think that maybe it isn’t.
- Did you mean… A man who kills women?
- Yes, - Xavier lit another cigarette - you need to discard the junkies, but
you can’t discard the perverts.
- Do you agree that if it was a pervert, she would have sexual abuse signs?
- Yes, but everyone has their fetishes…
- Okay…
- Did I help?
- Yes.
- Can I leave?
- Yes.
- Au revoir, René…
Mehdi stood besides the victim. Remembering the other pictures of Lynda Healy.
He sighed.
-Hell…
***** So if they don't believe me now, will they ever believe me? *****
- Yes.
- Gaspard, please... This is serious...
- What time did you hear the screams?
- 03:00 am.
- So I'm telling the truth.
- But the sirens rang at 05:00 am.
- They are not important to define it, what matters are the screams.
- He was so...
- Drunk? Yes... And it also doesn't matter, because at 03:00 Xavier was
sleeping.
- Gaspard, if you're lying to me I'll cut your fucking hair with an axe.
- Pedro... Trust me. If you want to check, you can come... The doorman helped
me bring Xavier here.
Pedro heard someone knock on the door.
- Wait a minute, Gaspard. 
The man got up and went to the door. Opened it.
- Mom!
- Come in... -Pedro closed the door- Gaspard, I talk to you later... - Hung up
the phone.
- Gaspard? Combining the next time to leave me with the babysitter?
- Xavier, cut that shit out.
- Ok... - The boy sat down, took a cigarette, put in his mouth and lit.
- Gaspard told me you were with him yesterday...
- Yes, yes... Sleeping... But I'd rather take some punches.
- Shut up!
- Oh, calm down, mother. Anyway, I was sleeping... Why? Because of the dead
woman?
- How do you know?
- Because everyone knows. Is in the paper.
- If Gaspard are...
- Lying? Gaspard doesn't lie, Sebastian yes.
- Xavier... What is your problem?
- My problem? - The boy dropped the smoke through his nose and laughed down -
My problem is that I killed a man. You think I'm cold? The prison psychologist
thinks I'm cold? I'M NOT COLD! This hurts, have you ever killed a man? No...
Never, you're a good man, Pedro, continue so... - Xavier put the cigarette in
his mouth - My problem is that fortunately I'm not cold enough to kill most
people, while not lacking will sometimes... - Xavier took the cigarette out of
his mouth and let out the smoke quickly - I already know I was wrong, I know
that the man's justice only works when it suits and I know I'll pay for it for
the rest of my life, Pedro... Because mistakes... Everybody makes mistakes and
everybody knows they are going to have to endure the consequences, but I'm not
crazy to do that. Not again, although I think I learned a lot from that, that
thing somewhere else I couldn't. Even... That waiter stayed there for a couple
of months. I never bothered to ask why.
- Jackson?
- I don't know his name... In prison he had another name... - Xavier laughed -
Sorry...
- What do you mean?
- It was kind of weird. I don't remember well... Because when he came out, I
was there. Ok, no hard feelings.
Pedro thought at the time that could start asking the criminal record of the
people he worked with, but he knew it wouldn't do much good. He was a good
person, just had made the wrong judgment of Xavier. Anyone could be the killer.
Pedro knew, because in such films as American Psycho and Con Air the killers
were always regular people on a first impression. Then Pedro thought about Anna
and Jackson, but knew it wasn't Anna, because the girl spent most of her time
riffing with some friends and they all could confirm this if needed. Thought
about Jackson, but... It could be anyone. Pedro just knew it wasn't Xavier.
***** Memory *****
Chapter Notes
     And from here it turns more bigger, sorry. :'(
Mehdi put out his cigarette and put the doughnut in his mouth, wiped his hands
on a rag and organized some papers, beating them on the wooden table. The clerk
was next. Mehdi bit the doughnut and placed it in cardboard box. The clerk kept
looking Mehdi, waiting for the man to say something.
- Write down, Quentin... - Quentin, the clerk, put his finger on the computer
keyboard - Suspect, colon - Mehdi finished chewing and continued - Jackson
Fourgeaud, a former inmate of the institution for juvenile offenders. Age,
colon, 19...
- But Mehdi... 19 years? Xavier was 17 when he killed that man?
- No, - Mehdi paused thinking on the boy's age at the time - he was 16, Jackson
now has 19, but just in case, write: Approximately 19 years.
- You call the shots. - Quentin said and continued writing.
- Hair color, colon, blond. Eyes color, colon, Brown. Height, colon, TALL AS
FUCK.
Quentin laughed.
- But seriously, what is the man's height?
- Well, I dunno... - Mehdi saw that wasn't being ethical - Seriously, I don't
know... Maybe 1.94. Write: approx. 1.94. History, colon, receiving male
visitors in his cell at the institution for minors offenders. Indicted for
attempted murder, robbery and illegal possession of drugs. Address, colon,
110th street, number 56. Occupation, colon, works from 11:00 pm at 05:00, in
the Our House Club.
- Our House? I never stopped to watch Pedro's Club name.
- Is it... Madness.
- Pedro is also culture.
- Absolutely... - Mehdi stopped thinking for a moment on Jackson's
characteristics and thought about Pedro, he laughed and returned to Earth.
--
- Are you hungry? - Pedro asked.
- No, actually no... Are you okay?
- Now I'm fine. I believe in you.
- Amen...
- Do you wanna a vodka?
- Yeah. - Xavier smiled.
- I'm going to get it...
- Okay, mom...
Pedro went to the kitchen. Xavier took off his shirt and put a cigarette in his
mouth. Heard the bell, took the lighter, lit the cigarette and walked to the
door. Opened it.
- I need to ask you something. - Gaspard said entering in the house.
- No! I need to ask... You'll just be quiet.
- You're the one who will... Why did you leave like that? - Gaspard began to
increase his voice tone.
- Stop screaming...
- Why did you leave like that? - And the boy lowered the tone.
- I can't talk about it here...
- Why?
Pedro came out of the kitchen with two glasses and saw Gaspard at the door.
- Gaspard! Come in... I caught one more glass.
- I'm sure that's not water... - Gaspard smiled.
- Water, believe me...
Xavier rolled his eyes.
- Why, God?
- Xav, Stop... - Says Pedro.
- Yes, Xav... Stop... - Gaspard agreed.
- Fuck.
Xavier went to the couch. Sat. took the cup and drank a sip of vodka.
- Come in, Gaspard, don't be shy.
- Shy? Him? - Xavier asked, Pedro executed the boy with the eyes - Ok,
stopped... I just wanted to know anyway.
Gaspard entered and sat on the couch.
- Actually, Pedro... - Gaspard started talking - Is that I needed to talk to
Xavier...
- No, he don't needed, no... He has nothing to talk to me.
Pedro was confusing, but confusion soon went away when he heard someone knock
on the door.
- Come in!
The brunette girl almost 15 years old walked through the door. The three boys
looked at her and she carried bags. Pedro rushed to help her and the other two
were then.
- I bought these albums... - Said the girl - I just think that my Dad isn't
going to help me organize my bookshelf.
- I can help you... - Pedro said and winked at Gaspard.
- Son of a bitch... - Xavier Said.
- Come on, dear. I enjoy and give a hi to your dad.
- He's not in home, he got a job.
- That's great, he really was in need of one.
- What he's doing, Anna? - Gaspard asked.
- He's a clerk.
- I think that soon he will be unemployed. - Pedro said.
- I don't think so. He will do well. - Xavier said.
Pedro grabbed his car keys and walked out with the girl and with the bags.
- Take care. - He said.
And the door slammed. Silence.
- Why did you leave there like that? - That calm voice.
- Cause René called me and I had to go find him. - Xavier let out the smoke
through the nostrils calmly after answering. Gaspard frowned.
- You... - Stopped to think about what he would say, but couldn't think of
anything - You're dating with Mehdi?!
Xavier never expected a question like that.
- What? Of course not and... - Xavier sat down on the couch again - Why do I
answer these things, my God?
- Because I asked you a question...
- First, I don't have anything to do with you, I don't owe you satisfactions of
my life, but... All right, you want to know?
- YES.
- Do you remember those dead girls? Yes? I'm sure... Yes... Okay, Mehdi is in
the case... He's running this shit all... And called me for help...
- He called you for help?
- Yes... - Xavier put the cigarette in his mouth - There's any problem in help
a friend?
- No, I just... - Gaspard felt strange, sat next to Xavier.
- It's ok...
- Xavier... - Gaspard scratched his head - Iknow you don't owe me satisfactions
about your life and I know you don't have anything with me, but... You don't
want to have?
Xavier remembered the day he told to Gaspard that he was in love with him. He
had 9 years old. The other had 12. He wanted to forget, just forget.
"Oh how can recall, one of my bricks and stone and how you and I begun, yeah,
you and I and how we first talk"
He just wanted to forget. The other dodging, feeling cornered, facing him.
"And how do we make love and how the lights come up in this song"
He wanted to forget about the force, wanted to forget that damn force that he
simply didn't know where it was and all the times that two arms rigged in metal
cabinets, which he couldn't reach.
"No I don't have a clue, no I don't remember if we..."
And fading, fading, fading. Reaching other memories in his brain. He was lost
again in those nonsense thoughts so that he couldn't remember things that he
didn't want to remember. Pedro taught him that.
- Ted Bundy... - He said when reminded of that morning.
- Xavier...
- Sorry... Do you asked me something?
- Yes, but I don't think it's so important. - Gaspard arose.
- Why I woke up without my pants?
- Cause sleep with pants is uncomfortable. - The boy went towards the door.
- Why did you run away from me when I said that I loved you?
- Because I was afraid.
- And don't you think I was?
- I'm sure...
- Vietnamese relatives everywhere telling me that I am a sinner. I felt that
the time I took taking courage led me nowhere.
- And what do you feel now?
- Hatred.
Gaspard looked the boy in the eyes.
- And you feel well?
- No, but I don't know if I can feel the opposite.
- And you don't want me to try to help?
- I just...
- Let me help you? - Gaspard asked again. Xavier stayed static. Looked at a
drawing on the carpet. Gaspard approached. - I didn't learned so much in life,
Xavier, but... Hatred won't lead you to nowhere.
- I know...
- You don't need to defend yourself now... I'm not going to do any harm.
- Of course not... Even if you wanted to.
- Even if I wanted to. - Gaspard spent the fingers in Xavier's face.
Xavier tried to dodge, but failed to move.
--
Looked out of the window shade, was away, passing the tip of the finger on the
cup of coffee and then broke the silence.
- I didn't expect to talk with Gaspard. - He said.
Thibaut looked him and put cigarettes on the porcelain ashtray.
- And what did you talk to him? - Thibaut asked and took the cup with his thin
fingers.
- I don't know right... But he made me think and... - Sebastian laughed -
I don't understand... A few years ago he was banging our heads on the cabinets
and now he's giving me advices.
- And you succumbed to his advices, by what I realized. - Thibaut smiled, drank
a sip of coffee and landed the cup on the wooden table.
- I couldn't... And I didn't understand why.
- Me neither, I'm as surprised as you are.
--
Anna opened the apartment's door, then... Went to the radio and hugged him.
Pedro remembered when the girl came to Quentin's home, 6 years old, scared, her
eyes shining and small hands winding the long beard of Quentin. Pedro just
couldn't remember what Quentin had done with that apartment. It was as if some
magical fairy with a magic wand had touched the door of that place with her
wings. The only thing that didn't change was the Quentin beard. "I wanted so
bad to be a dad" said the man to Pedro, and added with "That bitch killed my
son, Pedro. KILLED!" when he was drunk. Pedro only cared about Quentin and the
girl because Quentin couldn't keep a job and was afraid to leave the police as
fast as entered, but Xavier had a very good sixth sense, so Pedro bet on it.
The door was open, Pedro put the bags on the couch and Anna went to help him
get the albums to organize them. Both heard steps.
- Uffie. You've arrived? - Quentin came in, holding a cup of coffee in hand and
had a brown spot on his white t-shirt.
- Yeah, dad. Look what I bought.
- You... - Looked at Pedro -Hello... - Then looked his own t-shirt - Sometimes
I think I have 15 years old and she has 27.
Pedro laughed.
- So you got a new job?
- Yes... Because of this guy here.
The man didn't want to enter, was shy sometimes.
- I'm okay out here.
Pedro looked at him. René.
***** Take me to church *****
Chapter Notes
     "I couldn't translate it, I am too shy :'(" and I love you, babybot.
The cold settled into Xavier’s skin. The boy cringed. Time stood still and he
forgot the old stuff trying to find other things to remember.
“My lover’s got humor, he’s the giggle at a funeral, knows everybody’s
disapproval, I should’ve worshiped him sooner”
Involuntary movements. He saw his hand move up slowly to Gaspard’s hair and the
face of the man approaching his face. A kiss. Xavier felt as if some demon had
possessed his body. Pulled Gaspard’s hair.
“If the heavens ever did speak, he is the last true mouthpiece”
Gaspard bit Xavier’s lip, he heard a muffled groan and laughed down. That’s
what he wanted, it was his healing. He then thought of a few things at that
moment, like the water going into his nostrils and… Xavier’s hands, he forgot
those things.
“Every sunday’s getting more bleak, the fresh poison each week.”We were born
sick “you heard them say it”.
Xavier’s hands, pulling him by the shirt onto the couch. They fell. Gaspard’s
body weight made Xavier remember the lockers, the trees, the Park, Rimbaud, the
screams, the blood. He forgot that when he felt the man’s hair fall over his
face.
“My church offers in absolutes, he tells me, “Worship in the bedroom”
Xavier took Gaspard’s t-shirt and passed both hands on the boy’s chest. Didn’t
notice the marks, didn’t noticed the tattoos, only the other man’s mouth.
Gaspard stood up, straightened his hair in a bun on top of his head and opened
the button and zipper of Xavier’s pants. Lowering it while Xavier laughed like
a demon.
“The only heaven I’ll be sent to is when I’m alone with you. I was born sick,
but I love it. Command me to be well”
-Amen… - Xavier said.
“Amen, amen…”
Gaspard laughed. Xavier supported his body on his elbows and unzipped the boy’s
pants, opened it, took the boy’s pants with his feet.
- I want you so bad… - Gaspard said.
Xavier looked up and smiled. Lowered Gaspard’s underwear and started to
masturbate him.
“Amen”
After a few minutes, Gaspard gritted his teeth and pushed Xavier on the couch.
All that anger, all that waiting, Gaspard could see Pedro’s furniture becoming
dust. That smell… Burnt wood. Xavier looked at him and kept laughing. Gaspard
penetrated him and Xavier bit his lip so hard that… That taste… The boy spent
his tongue on his lip.
“Take me to church, I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies”
Gaspard laid down and increased the rhythm of his movements then looked to
Xavier.
“I’ll tell you my sins, so you can sharpen your knife”
Xavier moaned loudly, the sweat wetting his black hair, eyes closing, lips
bleeding. A tongue on it. Gaspard’s tongue. Xavier kissed him.
“Offer me that deathless death… Good God, let me give you my life”
- You don’t need slaps. You just… - Gaspard squeezed the boy’s legs with
strength, that familiar strength.
- But I like…
“If I’m a pagan of the good times, my lover’s the sunlight to keep the goddess
on my side. He demands the sacrifice”
Gaspard slapped lightly in Xavier’s face.
- I know…
- Hm… - Xavier held Gaspard’s face with one hand. Pressed his chin - Stronger…
In a few minutes Xavier’s skin was red, a shade of pink, Gaspard was unable to
identify. Xavier stuck his nails on the boy’s back. Heard a loud groan of pain.
Ah… The pain… And just a little bit more. Blood. Scratches. Gaspard increased
the rhythm even more. The hair came loose from the bun. Xavier held it between
his fingers.
“No masters or kings when the ritual begins. There is no sweeter innocence than
our gentle sin, in the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene… Only then I
am human, only then I am clean”
Xavier didn’t count the time, he just wanted to make sure that everything was
fine in his own mind. The blood on his skin was mixed with Gaspard’s cum and
the fingers of the boy were on his belly, caressing. Xavier looked at him. The
exhausted boy lying beside him on the couch. Xavier stood up.
- You okay? - Gaspard asked. Xavier was silent.
- I just… - Xavier took a cigarette - This is all very strange to me…
- I know… Just… I love you. Don’t you love me?
- I don’t know, Gaspard. - Lit the cigarette - Don’t know… I don’t know how
these things work.
- I just… I thought that…
Xavier swallowed the smoke and felt he would choke, swallowed the saliva and
blew the smoke slowly, put the cigarette in the ashtray and stood up from the
couch, putting on his clothes.
- I just don’t know, I just… - Xavier finished dressing - I don’t know. - Sat
and put on a pair of Keds - I need to be alone.
- I… But…
- See you later, okay? - The boy hit one of the hands in the pockets of his
pants, took the cigarette and put it his in his mouth.
Gaspard was unable to say anything. Rose from the couch and looked as Xavier
went out.
***** Worrying about the past *****
Pedro didn’t like seeing the girl smoking. Neither did Quentin. But what could
they do? It was another life before.
Flashback - Pretty music I hear, so happy.
Quentin shoved his hands into his pockets. He was worried, because his past
wasn’t that good… He went there as if it were about a job opening. During those
days this act became usual. “What’s your name?” and he heard birds singing,
looked at the grey walls and he could feel the temperature on his face. He felt
challenged to do the best he could do. He had washed his face and was wearing
clean clothes, Pedro and Thibaut helped him with that. He looked at the kids.
Happy, bicycling and playing with their dolls. Happy? Quentin thought about his
son. Felt his eyes tear up and tried to avoid a crying fit cleaning out the
corner of his eye and breathing hard. Saw the nuns walking from one side to the
other assisting those little people. There were kids from one month old to
teens. Quentin looked at the floor. Beckoned to one of the nuns and saw that
one girl looked at him curiously. The girl had dark circles and was pale, but
Quentin knew she was being well treated.
- It’s abstinence… - Said a nun.
Quentin looked at the tall woman dressed in a long white cloth.
- What did you say?
- Abstinence. Sometimes when she’s out, she buys cigarettes somehow and only
then she can sleep, only then she can play with a doll.
Quentin looked the girl sitting on the stairs, staring at him. Quentin raised
his hand and waved but had no answer.
- Can I go there? - The man asked.
- Sure…
Quentin went up the ladder and sat next to the girl. The girl kept looking.
- Hello… - He said, with no reply - My name is Quentin. What’s your nam… -
Quentin was interrupted, the small hands of the girl landed on his beard -
I know… it’s too big, sorry. I should be more presentable.
The girl laughed.
- You’re funny.
- Me? Funny? But…
- Funny yes, you don’t need hair to make a mustache… You already have one.
Quentin laughed and grabbed the girl’s hair making a mustache above her mouth.
- A mustache like that?
- Yes… Mine is more beautiful than yours.
- And what’s your name?
- Anna.
- Anna, is a pretty name but I have a better name for you.
- What?
- Anna Banana.
- Will you be my father?
Quentin swallowed the saliva and felt like a metal ball slip down his throat.
- You want me to be your father?
The girl nodded.
Papers, papers, papers and a pink room with Donna Summer pictures stuck on the
wall.
End of flashback
Mehdi was standing in front of the girl’s record shelf.
- You create your daughter very well… - He said to Quentin.
- Me? But who gave half these records for her was him… - Pointed to Pedro.
Mehdi smiled.
- You have a very good taste for music, - Mehdi recalled that Pedro owned a
Club - naturally.
- Thanks.
Mehdi felt a sickness quickly and a cold wind passed through his body, as fast
as a seasickness.
—
Gaspard got dressed and kept staring at the carpet for a few minutes. Put a
hand on one of the pockets of his pants. There it was.
—
- I don’t know how you could do all that, Seb… I don’t know what he had that
was so good, if it’s good I want to know too. - Thibaut said.
- He had drugs.
- I have incense.
—
Gaspard took the plastic bag from his pocket, raised it and shook it, spreading
the powder inside the plastic.
—
Xavier sat in the park next to the school. The kids were others, but the trees
were still the same. He wanted to warn them, send them all to their homes.
—
- Incense smells better. - Sebastian Replied.
- Yes… And I have a better taste.
Sebastian laughed.
—
Gaspard was looking at the plastic bag for a few minutes and shed the white
powder in his hand. Looking at it, arranging it, moistened his finger and put
in the content over there, then put his thumb in his mouth and thought about
that day in another club.
“Mehdi, do you know what your problem is? You are a very nice man”.
Gaspard recalled quickly and laughed. Then sniffed all the content that was in
his hand.
“I’m not good… Gaspard… I’m not good… You guys are some demons”.
- Demons… Hm… - Gaspard smiled and grabbed the glass of vodka that Xavier left
on the table.
—
- You like that? - Anna took a last record from the bag and showed it to Mehdi.
Mehdi took the record. Right On Time. 1977. Mehdi looked at the girl.
- I love that. We have things in common, my little friend.
—
“You know what your problem is, Mehdi?”
Xavier looked at a girl reading under his favorite tree. No one was like Mehdi.
“I’m a very good person?”
Xavier smiled while thinking about little memories from the past.
“Yes”
“Someone told me before”
—
“That’s what my father used to say. About being good, Mehdi and… Good people
make good things and bad people put good things on the fire”
Gaspard put some more of the content of another plastic bag over his hand.
Gaspard remembered how Mehdi could be smart and make people nervous about it.
“So are you trying to protect yourself?”
He sniffed what was spilled on his hand and wiped it on his pants. Gaspard’s
answers weren’t so good.
“Yes… I always try to… But good people do us good”.
A crying fit hit the boy.
“Then why did you step on good things? Why do you defend from good things,
Gaspard?”
—
“Why do you defend from good things, Gaspard?”
Mehdi looked the girl and went to the window, he was having a bad feeling. He
used to say things to people, but didn’t like their answers, that answers made
him think about more smart questions.
—
“You and Thibaut…”
Xavier didn’t like those thoughts, they were like slaps in his brain. He tried
to concentrate, but those days were so clear in his mind that he could smell
Thibaut’s gum.
“Do you want some gum too?”
“No thanks, Breaky”.
Xavier put both hands on his head, wanted to take those flashes with his
fingers.
—
Gaspard rubbed his hands on his face and felt like breaking the house. Mehdi
didn’t get out of his head, it was like an Angel saying “don’t do shit, thank
you”
“Who knows, Mehdi? Who knows?”
And so he decided that he wanted to sleep. And took some pills for it, just to
sleep, wanted to settle down, he wanted to stop crying. And his father… All the
fights, when his father told him anything about respect. Respect sucks.
“I already have a father… A real father and his name is Mehdi”
—
- I… I need to go… - Mehdi began to walk from one side to the other desperately
- I just don’t know where to go.
Pedro approached the man.
- You okay?
- No, I’m not okay… And I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to think
about it.
—
“Are you crazy? If Xavier says such a thing…”
Xavier settled down. It was Thibaut’s voice. Xavier remembered that Sebastian
didn’t like those conversations about the vietnamese boy declaring his love for
Gaspard, so on that day it was only Xavier, Thibaut and Mehdi. Mehdi was
insisting to Xavier to do that, but he was also worried.
“I know you’re a lawman, Mehdi… But the law sucks…”
Xavier closed his eyes and that park was another, it was the old one, he found
himself sitting on that girl’s place. Thibaut was drawing, lying with his
stomach against the cold grass, Mehdi was looking at them. That look.
“I know, but the law is not the issue, the issue is that I’m not going to
protect him if anything happens to you”
“I know but I’m not going to say anything…”
Thibaut started whistling.
—
He closed his eyes and saw his father again, screaming in his ears.
“Respect Me! I’m your father!”
He just wanted to sleep. Felt as if a good thing had raised various bad
thoughts to everyone. Everyone… He drank half the bottle of vodka and then
wiped his mouth with his hand.
—
- Calm down… René.
Mehdi looked at Pedro and sat on the couch.
—
He closed his eyes again, he wanted to sleep, but those thoughts… And the last
thing he saw was the boy with the striped shirt, red and white, jeans and the
oriental eyes staring at him, scared but brave, in that beautiful day saying
that beautiful thing to him.
“I love you, Gaspard”
And then he was running.
***** All my secrets away *****
Chapter Notes
     Thanks, babybot, again and again ♥
Sebastian looked through the blinds again, it was almost dark. They were in
their day off. Thibaut looked at him and straightened Sebastian’s hair.
- What are you thinking? - Thibaut asked and got a cup of coffee, drank a sip
and… - Eh, cold… - Put the cup on the table.
- We have to go to Pedro’s house.
- For what?
- I just need to.
Sebastian felt cold.
- So come on. My coffee’s gone cold.
Both stood up and walked out of the cafe.
—
Xavier turned off his cell, wanted to think and wanted to think about good
things, wanted to think about Gaspard, but the only good thing that Gaspard had
done for him before that day was to deliver a flower on Valentine’s day. The
boy left the flower fall on the floor while the kids were out of school and
when he saw that Xavier didn’t run with them, called him, handed the flower and
left. Then Xavier thought about that flower and smiled. Looked at the Keds.
Felt old. “How someone with 19 years could feel so old?”.
—
Pedro looked at Mehdi. The man was standing in front of the living room window
of Quentin’s apartment. He drank a sip of coffee. Pedro came to him and touched
his shoulder.
- René.
Mehdi looked at him.
- Hello… - He tried to smile.
- What’s happening?
- What is your home phone number?
- René. But… If that was the problem, why didn’t you just ask before? I’d give
you without probl…
- It’s not this, Pedro. Call them, please…
Pedro didn’t thought twice, went to the phone and called to his own house.
There was no answer. Where were Gaspard and Xavier? “I’m an idiot… Leave both
of them alone, they will kill themselves”.
—
Sebastian opened the door of Pedro’s house. There was a smell of alcohol.
Xavier. The boy came in and looked at the couch. Gaspard.
- Is he drunk? - Asked Thibaut looking over Sebastian’s shoulder.
Sebastian felt a sudden urge to burn a match.
- Gaspard? - Sebastian called him. He had no answer. They approached.
- Gaspard? - Thibaut sat on the couch.
Sebastian put his finger in front of Gaspard’s nose.
- Breaky… - He said, Thibaut looked at him - He’s not breathing.
- WHAT?
- He’s not breathing.
“Be careful what you wish for, Seb…”. Sebastian felt Pedro’s presence, looked
back and didn’t see anybody. Thibaut got the phone with trembling hands and
called Pedro.
—
Anna put one of the records to play. Quentin tied the girl’s hair and gave her
a cup of coffee. Pedro had given up on calling, he was getting no answer and
was scared that something had happened, but he should give some credit for the
two boys. His phone rang. He picked it up and answered. Listening to what the
person had to say.
- BUT WHAT? - Pedro had raised his voice. Mehdi looked at him and knew… Mehdi
knew… Everyone wanted to give minimal trust to Xavier and Gaspard, but… -
Where’s Xavier? What do you mean with “you don’t know”, Berland? How don’t you
know? Oh my god… Sorry… - Pedro put his hand on his head - All right, I’m
coming. - Hung up. - Gaspard, my God…
—
Sebastian was outside waiting for the ambulance to arrive.
“Respiratory arrest, Berland…”
“But… How could a person with respiratory arrest still have a beating heart?”
“I don’t know, Berland… I don’t know…”
—
Xavier decided it was time to go home. Picked up a flower in the middle of the
road, he would give it to Gaspard. He would be a better person, would be the
person he was before. He heard an ambulance siren. Normal.
—
Mehdi was the first to leave the apartment. Rushed to the car.
- WHAT THE HELL, GASPARD!
Pedro came out right behind him and got confused upon realizing that the man
seemed to be so intimate with Gaspard. They got into Pedro’s car.
—
Xavier came home, he was tired, had to change Chuck’s water and food. Put the
flower on the table and got down, snapped his fingers and Chuck came in his
direction. Xavier smiled.
—
Pedro and Mehdi arrived before the ambulance. They came running. Gaspard was
lying on the couch. Thibaut was holding his hand and Sebastian… Sebastian was
sitting on the ground outside. He remembered something. Shook his head, but the
memory was still there.
“What the fuck is that?”
The empty classroom, Thibaut drawing on the wood table.
“What?”
“What the fuck?”
And showed a note in paper for Thibaut. Thibaut read and laughed.
“Because I always write and I leave here… Maybe some employee has dented the
others… But this she won’t dent, Xavier, I promise”
Sebastian came back to Earth, put a cigarette in his mouth, lit it and looked
outside.
“Where’s the fucking ambulance?”.
Mehdi realized he couldn’t hide his cover for a long time, but he knew he had
to postpone this moment for the last minute. The ambulance arrived, the nurses
placed Gaspard on a stretcher and took the boy to the hospital. Mehdi went
along. Pedro wanted to stay and try to talk to Xavier. He Called to the boy’s
House.
- Xavier, why do you turn your fucking phone off?
- I wanted to think, breathe clean air… Pedro, are you okay?
- Me? I’m great… But Gaspard is not.
- What do you mean?
- The ambulance just took him, Xavier… What happened?
- Ambulance? - Xavier looked at the flower on top of the table.
- Yes…
- I…
- Xavier, what happened?
—
Xavier had embarrassed to say.
- I left there and went for a walk… I… Where is he? Where is that…
Pedro couldn’t hear anything else, called Xavier and the boy didn’t answer. He
became concerned. In less than half an hour Xavier walked through his door.
- Okay, now… You need to explain some things, isn’t it? - Pedro asked.
- Explain what? - Thibaut asked.
- From where does René knows Gaspard?
Silence.
- This is something you need to ask him. - Said Thibaut.
- Fuck… - Xavier said.
- What is it? - Sebastian took a plastic bag.
- Cocaine… - Xavier replied and thought - Wait… What?
- I need to go… - Sebastian said, knew that thing would get worse if he
continued to hold that paper with him.
-Where you going? - Thibaut asked.
- Home.
***** Villain and hero *****
Chapter Notes
     Sorry, I took so long to continue. I really don't have a excuse :'(
Sebastian was feeling guilty. He stopped to think in every thing he had done.
Villain, hero? He didn't knew. What defines a hero? Attitudes like that? No.
Gaspard at least tried to be a better a person. He, on the other hand, got
worse with the years passing so slowly. In the end, he was protecting Xavier or
depriving him from happiness?
- I'm a fucking motherfucker...
He opened his room door, ran to the drawer clothing. His phone vibrated in his
pocket, but he ignored. He put down all the clothes on the ground, on his hurry
he hit his hand on the wood.
- MERDE!
He kept throwing his clothes on the ground. When he finished, he opened the
false bottom that he had made in a improvised way and there it was... The phone
vibrated again, but this time, he didn't notice. He took the letter. Old paper,
faded. But Xavier needed to read that. He left his room, left his house
slamming the door. Remembering at least of locked the gate. In his way to
Pedro's house, he saw the waiter that worked for Pedro. Jackson. He looked to
the man and the man didn't notice. The man was holding a red dress on his
hands. Was so happy. Creepy. He raised an eyebrown and decided to get out of
there. When he arrived in Pedro's house, saw him hugging a shocked Xavier.
- He wasn't... He wasn't breathing... I...
- Calm down, Xav... Calm down... - And then Pedro looked to Sebastian - Where
were you? I called you many times. 
Sebastian looked to him shyly.
- I needed to get something in my house.
- REALLY? WHAT?
- I can't tell you, now.
Thibaut looked at him from the door.
- Xavier, come here, please... You need to calm down.
- I DON'T WANT TO, BERLAND!
- But you must... Come here, now!
Xavier obeyed and went with Thibaut. Pedro was looking to Sebastian with his
arms crossed.
- So? What is it?
Sebastian just handed Pedro the letter. The man read.
- What are you tried to do? Protect him? Because, you know, you failed
miserably.
- I tried to, but... I was wrong.
- You know he have to read, don't you?
Sebastian nodded. On that moment they saw Mehdi running down the street. Both
raised their eyebrowns and went to the street. On the end of the street had a
vehicle. A man crouched and a body laying on the ground. Mehdi went towards
that scene, put his hand on his head. Pedro and Sebastian went to him.
Sebastian looked at the woman, naked, dead. His face gone pale, more than
usual. His stomach betrayed him. He turned his back and threw up. Pedro was
confused.
- Another woman? - He looked at her, scared.
- Yes... FUCKING FUCK! - Mehdi yelled.
- W-what are you...
Then the man that was crouched got up. Quentin.
- And... Sorry, boss... There's actually something else... - He handed Mehdi a
note and the man took it.
- "Catch me if you can, MEHDI!" HA-HA-HA, and this motherfucker is joking at my
face...
It was so confusing. Quentin had a new job, and was René that gave the job for
him. If Quentin's job was be a cop, so Mehdi was also a cop.
--
"GUILTY!" said the judge's rough voice. 
"Non, non... You didn't understand nothing..." and Mehdi put his hands on his
face.
--
René wasn't René, René was Mehdi. Pedro didn't looked to his face before.
- He like jokes... He like games... And red dresses. I'm so fucked right now.
Sebastian looked to him. His face was green.
- Wait... Did you say red dresses?
- Yes...
- I saw Jackson. The waiter, passing here about half an hour ago, he was
holding a red dress and smiling, creepy.
- WHAT? He was going for...
Sebastian wanted to throw up again. Pointed his finger.
- There.
- WAIT! MY EMPLOYEE IS A KILLER?
- I'm afraid so... - Mehdi said.
- Who is with Gaspard now?!
- The Doctors and the nurses, he'll be ok, Pedro. In fact, there's nothing we
can do about it now. The procedure is so simple that any junkie can do it, the
drug dealers mainly. We just had to call the ambulance as fast as we could,
without this he could be dead now. They'll call me when he wake up, because
he'll need to stay there for about a week at least, talking with psychologists,
the psychologists will tell if he needs go to rehab or not. Then I'll let you
know when he wake up. Go to Xavier, I think he needs you.
Pedro nodded, then pulled Sebastian by the arm and they went to Pedro's house
again.
***** Lean on me *****
"If there is a load you have to bare that you can't carry, I'm right up the
road, I'll share your load"
 
Sebastian's face still was green, his stomach was on his back. Xavier seemed
more calm, but even with that, Sebastian didn't want to keep holding that bomb
for so long. He knew Xavier was worse than napalm, but it was better if he read
that letter as soon as possible, then his nose would break and his life would
keep on going. Maybe without Xavier by his side. He sat in front of Thibaut and
looked to him. Thibaut shook his head, but he ignored.
- Xav... - He said and then looked to Xavier - You need to see something.
And analyzing Xavier's confused face, he handed his friend the letter, got up
and left. On the outside, he lit a cigarette. Few minutes after, Xavier went to
him, stoled his cigarette, put in his own mouth and gave Sebastian a punch in
the eye.
- Fuck... - Sebastian said putting his hand quickly in his eye.
- YOU HAD NO RIGHT!
- I...
- YOU WHAT? OI! YOU WHAT?
Thibaut and Pedro went to them. Pedro held Xavier's body.
- He tried to protected you, but he failed. He thought that was right, but it
wasn't... Xav, calm down... - Pedro said.
- CALM DOWN? I KILLED A MAN! I WENT TO JAIL!
- Is not his fault...
- I KNOW, FUCK!
Sebastian wiped the blood that dripped on his nose.
- Listen... - He said - I know I was wrong about all this, about Gaspard. But
on that time I didn't knew. He almost killed you, what you wanted me to do?
Xavier looked to him.
- Fine... I forgive you, but I will not apologize for this... - and he pointed
to Sebastian's eye - You deserved it.
And saying that, he went back to Pedro's living room.
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