Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13767963.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      幽☆遊☆白書_|_YuYu_Hakusho:_Ghost_Files
  Relationship:
      Hiei/Kurama_|_Minamino_Shuuichi
  Character:
      Hiei_(YuYu_Hakusho), Kurama_|_Minamino_Shuuichi, Urameshi_Yuusuke,
      Kuwabara_Kazuma, Yukina_(YuYu_Hakusho), Genkai_(YuYu_Hakusho), Botan_
      (YuYu_Hakusho)
  Additional Tags:
      Rape, Past_Rape/Non-con, Hurt/Comfort, Rape_Recovery, Abusive
      Relationships, Hurt_No_Comfort, After_Sensui_Saga, Spoilers_for
      everything, Emotional_Manipulation, Rape_Aftermath, Suicide_mention,
      Drunkenness, Size_Difference, Age_Difference, Strangulation, Panic
      Attacks, Underage_Rape/Non-con, Compulsion, Suicide, Suicide_Attempt
  Series:
      Part 3 of Higashiyama
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-02-22 Completed: 2018-03-13 Chapters: 20/20 Words: 73930
****** A falling knife has no handle ******
by Parisian_Sulfur
Summary
     Sequel to 'the most hurtful things.' Pretty much nothing here will
     make sense without having read that first.
     Tags will be updated with the chapters.
     --
     "And none of it was real."
     "No."
     --
     Complete.
***** Chapter 1 *****
"And none of it was real."
"No."
"None of it."
"No."
Hiei turned his face away from her. He stared out at the rock garden.
He was shaking again.
He didn't want to think about it.
He couldn't.
Genkai continued. "Like I said, everything two minutes after you and Kurama
left Kaito at the entrance of the park was not real."
He knew she was watching him beneath lowered eyelids. He took a deep breath,
then another. "And Kurama?"
Genkai nodded. "He was affected by Higashiyama's ability as well."
Did I hurt him?
As he hurt me?
His stomach heaved in horror. He leaned over the basin again, but there was
nothing left.
I want to die.
If I had killed myself…
Instead of waiting for Kurama or asking Yusuke…
He spat into the basin.
Genkai reached for her tea. She lifted it, turning the cup slowly in her hand.
"As Kaito was leaving the park, he heard a woman scream. Against his better
judgement, he entered the park and found the two of you, seemingly asleep in
the middle of a walkway. Kaito managed to convince the passerby that the two of
you were his friends that had gotten roaringly drunk and gone for a walk, and
some nonsense about cosplay. He managed to get you two into a cab, and brought
you here."
Hiei wiped his mouth on his sleeve.
His mouth still tasted of bile.
"Kurama escaped two weeks in. You were there for a month." She sipped. She
turned the cup in her hand again. "Needless to say, whatever you experienced
will have been that much worse."
'I see how much you've longed for this day, of being held powerless, of having
no right to your own body.'
'I'm the only one that can handle something broken like you.'
'Yes. It's supposed to hurt.'
'I will take from you what I want.'
His stomach heaved again, fruitlessly.
I can't do this.
I can't.
Hiei closed his eyes. He couldn't stop trembling.
"The Kurama that you saw inside that Territory was not Kurama. It was a vision
made from your own worst fears concerning Kurama."
Fury and shame lanced through his blood. "I can assure you I never thought
Kurama would-" He stopped himself, shaking his head.
This is worse, isn't it?
That none of it was real.
It wasn't Kurama at all.
I did this to myself.
He wrapped his arms around his chest.
Kurama.
"Fear isn't rational," Genkai continued. "And Higashiyama's Territory doesn't
only consider what fears you had before you went inside the Territory. It
evolves. What you experience changes you, as well as the people around you. As
you are changed, the Territory reshapes itself, creating new horrors out of new
fears."
I made Kurama do this to me.
His stomach heaved again.
It wasn't him at all.
It was me. I made him do this to me.
He stumbled to his feet. He needed to go.
"Hiei, sit down."
"No."
I want to die.
I can't do this.
Kurama.
"Hiei-"
Don't think about it.
'Have you already been held down and used for the pleasure of another?'
Stop thinking about it!
Fucking stop!
He pressed his hands against his face, blocking out all light. "It got worse
because I was there for a month," he rasped.
"Yes." Genkai's eyes were hard.
I want to die.
He struggled against his own panic, his horror, his disgust. His skin was
crawling.
Don't think about it.
He swallowed back his nausea. "Yusuke said you spoke to this Territory-user."
"Yes. We got some information from him."
He sank back down into a crouch, his arms wrapped around his churning stomach.
Don't think about it.
"How?"
Genkai smirked. "The boy needs to be able to see his victims if he's to set a
Territory inside them."
Hiei stared at the stones beneath them.
"A blindfold sufficed. He is, after all, an otherwise normal high-school boy."
She sipped.
Focus.
Don't think about it.
Just get through this.
Worry about the rest later.
He shook his head. "But Yusuke said this Territory-user doesn't know what
happens inside his Territories."
"Yes, Higashiyama has no idea what's happening inside specific Territories once
they're set. But he does know more or less how they work. Between Higashiyama's
explanations and Kurama's experiences, the rest was easy to figure out."
Hiei flinched.
Kurama.
I made you-
Don't think about it!
Stop fucking thinking about it!
"Hiei."
He glared up at her.
"You suffered in Kurama's hands." Genkai lowered her tea. "Even if that Kurama
was not real, the marks you bear are."
He knew this already.
His body was bruised.
His body still hurt.
He could feel Kurama's hands on him.
He could still feel Kurama inside him.
"You have quite the dilemma before you. On the one hand, you were gravely
wounded by Kurama. He hurt you so terribly because the things he did were the
very things you feared he would do the most." She paused. "You hear his voice
saying cruel things. You remember the things he has done to you." Her eyes
narrowed. "Your very scars remind you of-"
'He's hurting you.'
'And I am letting him. Sometimes.'
'And when you don't let him?'
'Sometimes I let him. Sometimes it doesn't matter what I want.'
"Enough!" he shouted. Lightning flared in a wave around him.
'Now imagine if I didn't love you.'
He curled in on himself. His hands were claws on his head.
Genkai sipped her tea, lowering her periphery.
Hiei's blood raged. His youki burned around him, sending more sparks over the
stones.
Kurama.
Kurama!
At any moment, the memories were a whisper away: Kurama's hands on him, on his
hips, on his face, moving him, touching him, pulling him-
He choked out a sob. He slammed his fist into the stones beneath him, sending a
shockwave of sand and gravel and stones flying. He did it again. Again.
Kurama, why?
Why did…
Why did I make you do this to me?
He pressed his palms flat against his face, groaning.
Why?!
I never wanted this!
Stop!
Don't think about it.
Just don't think about it.
Stop thinking about it!
Just fucking stop!
Slowly, he forced his breath to ease. He forced himself to listen to the wind
whistle its way through the rock garden, to Genkai's soft breathing, to distant
birdcalls and cicadas.
Just stop.
Stop.
Eventually he could sit up again.
Genkai was watching him. Without looking at her, he nodded once, shortly, for
her to continue.
"On the other hand," Genkai said, "you now know that it was not Kurama who did
this to you."
He flinched.
"You know it was a shadow created by Higashiyama's Territory. You must have
realized that he has suffered because of a nightmare version of you, just as
you have suffered because of a nightmare version of him."
"Yes," Hiei growled. He kept his face turned away.
"Not… in precisely the same ways." She sighed. "His fears are not the same as
yours, of course. What you did to him was… different than what he did to you.
And you were in the Territory for twice as long."
She knows what that Kurama did to me. There's no way she doesn't, with what
she's said.
But what did that me do to him?
Genkai shook her head. "Knowing the people in your memories were not real does
not make what they've done any less real."
He nodded.
His Territory had begun its horror show with Kurama falling victim to the lies
of a fake Territory, being unable to tell what was real from what was not.
There was an irony there, he supposed.
He wondered what that said about him.
Am I afraid Kurama's keeping secrets from me?
He looked down at his dusty hands.
Of course I am.
I've never trusted him fully, in spite of him giving me absolutely no reason
not to.
And now I never will, will I?
Genkai had sent them together against Higashiyama because they knew each other.
Because they understood each other. Because they trusted each other.
His breath tightened in a pale imitation of a snort.
So much for that.
I ruin everything I touch.
He hugged his arms around his chest.
I always have.
I always will.
Including myself.
If he concentrated, he could push away everything else to remember the soft joy
in Kurama's face when he'd drawn Hiei down and kissed him that night on the
boat.
Is that… what Kurama wanted for us?
Softness?
Love?
Hiei closed his eyes, lest he start crying again. He curled in on himself. He
pressed his knees into his face.
I ruined it.
Whatever chance we had for…
Stop.
Just stop.
Stop thinking about it.
It's over.
Whatever I did to Kurama, he'll never want me again.
I've ruined him as I do everything else.
He heard Genkai put down her tea. She turned the cup on its tray and sighed.
Hiei pressed his face harder into his knees, hard enough to see flashes of
white lights behind his eyes.
What did I do to Kurama?
What about me did he fear?
He swallowed.
Kurama, what did I do to you?!
"What did I do to him?" he whispered, lifting his head.
"That's not for me to tell you."
He snorted and shook his head.
And I can't ask him.
"What am I supposed to do?" he hissed.
She didn't reply.
He looked up.
She had been watching him. "I don't know." She looked out over the wide garden
beyond the steps of her pavilion, the lanterns crawling with vines. "You two
need to figure that out for yourselves."
 
——
 
"Yes, it's quite nice. I'm enjoying the campus." Kurama listened, then forced a
small laugh. "Well, I don't know how nice the hotels in the area are. Outside
of the college, it's really just a small town."
'It's pathetic how attached you are to that human.'
Kurama closed his eyes. He tried to focus and listen only to Shiori through the
phone and not-
'Love? Don't make me laugh. Only humans love, Shuichi.'
"No, I'm still here. Sorry, some people are playing music nearby, it's hard to
hear."
'Let me know when that Youko returns. He's much more interesting than you are.'
"I think the line is breaking up. What did you say?"
'And here I thought I knew what was hiding under that human skin. Turns out
you're just as weak as they are!'
"Yes, I'll be home in the next few days." He listened, heart aching. "Yes, I
am. No. Yes. I know. Don't worry. You know I'm always careful. Yes, Mother.
Yes. I love you too. Yes. Next week. Bye. Yes. Bye." He placed the phone back
on the cradle gently.
"You okay?"
Kurama looked up; Yusuke leaned against the door frame, eating a rice ball.
"Yo."
"Yusuke."
Yusuke jerked his head towards the phone. "Shiori?"
Kurama nodded. "I hate lying to her."
"Yeah, but it's to protect her."
"Is it?" Kurama touched his own cheek, head bowed, heart heavy. "First it was
the Tournament, so Shuichi was on school trips. Then club activities and exams
when we were dealing with Sensui. And then I was here under Higashiyama's
influence, so it was Yanagisawa wearing my face and making excuses for not
being home. Now…"
I don't need to be here.
Hiei is awake.
I could go home for longer than just a few hours.
He covered his face with his hand.
No!
I can't leave him.
I can't.
Not until…
Kurama sighed. "Now, I get to lie via phone calls as Shuichi is back and forth
looking at schools."
"Oh?" Yusuke smiled. "Where's Shuichi today?"
"Up north. Some small-town technical college." He looked up at Yusuke. "It
feels like I'm only protecting myself."
"Which protects her, doesn't it?" Yusuke shrugged.
"Maybe." Kurama looked down at the phone.
Hiei.
I'm so sorry, Hiei.
Quietly Kurama asked, "So?"
"He spent the morning with Genkai. They were talking the whole time."
One corner of Kurama's mouth twitched upwards. "He must have hated that."
"Yeah." Yusuke paused, about to say something, then shook his head.
"But," Kurama eased his breathing, "how is he?"
"Angry." Yusuke looked away. "Hurting."
Scared.
Kurama nodded.
'Might be interesting to see the Devourer get devoured.'
"Kurama?"
"I'm fine."
"You're not."
"No. I'm not." Kurama smiled weakly. "I had thought I had more control over
myself than this."
"How so?"
Kurama sat on the floor beside the telephone.
I'm angry.
Furious.
With myself, with Higashiyama.
But also with Hiei.
Even though I know it wasn't his fault.
He closed his eyes.
"I can't stop hearing him," Kurama said softly. "I'm with you and the others,
and I hear Hiei. I'm on the phone with Shiori and I hear Hiei. I'm trying to
sleep and I hear Hiei."
Yusuke came and sat next to him. He handed an onigiri to Kurama.
"Thanks."
Yusuke shoved the last half of his rice ball in his mouth as he sat.
"I thought… I thought by now I would be over the worst of it." Kurama turned
the rice ball over in his hands; the plastic wrapper crinkled. "I've been awake
for two weeks already, and I thought I'd had more than enough time to process
everything that… everything that happened." He swallowed. "I had thought…"
Yusuke patted Kurama's thigh. "You thought it would all go back to normal when
he woke up. That taking care of him would erase whatever was left for you to
take care of for yourself."
Kurama laughed. "It sounds so silly when you put it like that."
Yusuke shrugged. "It's not silly. Maybe a bit optimistic."
"Perhaps I overestimated my own strength."
"You're still healing too, Kurama," Yusuke said quietly. "Just because you got
a head start-"
"It's not just a head start, Yusuke." Kurama's voice fell to a whisper. "Two
more weeks than I? If Hiei had woken up with me, it would be difficult beyond
reckoning." He searched Yusuke's eyes. "But two more weeks? A full month?"
Yusuke nodded. "Yeah. I know."
"If it were me, I don't know that I would have survived."
"Hiei is strong."
"Hiei is stubborn."
He's also scared of so many things.
Kurama covered his face with one hand.
Hiei.
I'm so sorry.
Yusuke squeezed Kurama's knee. "See, you're doing that thing again where you
change the subject instead of talking about yourself."
"When did you get so astute, mazoku?" Kurama smiled, but it was weak and
forced.
Yusuke met his eyes solidly. "When I had to be to help my friends."
Kurama looked away.
Yusuke patted him again. "So… how are you? Now that Hiei's awake?"
Kurama slowly unwrapped the onigiri. "For me? It's… it's even worse."
Yusuke shifted closer to him.
Kurama closed his eyes. "I really thought… I thought I was stronger than this.
I just can't stop hearing him."
"And it's the same as before? Only the bad stuff?"
Kurama leaned his head back against the wall behind them. "All I hear is Hiei's
voice saying the most hurtful things to me, Yusuke."
And touching me in a way I never even dreamed of.
Which is the true horror of Higashiyama's Territory? Is it having to face the
fact that the Hiei I fear the most is the one who hates who I am yet uses me
for sex? Or is it that I knew something was strange about Hiei's behavior from
the start but pretended I didn't? That I knew something was wrong but I ignored
my intuition because…
"Even though you know it wasn't him, it doesn't help."
Was it that I so stupidly thought that I'd be able to convince that hateful
Hiei to love me?
That I saw him as just another challenge?
Like any other bauble to be stolen?
Kurama closed his eyes.
"Kurama?"
Was the true horror the Hiei in Higashiyama's Territory, or me?
"Hey, Kurama. Come back. Talk to me."
"Sorry." Kurama looked away.
Yusuke slid his arm along the wall and over Kurama's shoulders.
Kurama hesitated before putting his head down on Yusuke's shoulder. Yusuke's
hand squeezed.
"What were you saying?"
Yusuke was watching him, he knew. He didn't look up. His fingers fiddled with
the crinkling plastic on the onigiri.
"I asked if knowing that that Hiei wasn't real helped at all."
"No. Not at all." Kurama smiled. "You know, that was the first thing that made
me truly question the Territory. Hiei has never been kind, but he was never
needlessly cruel. He doesn't seem to see the need for it." Kurama looked down
at his palm, at the freshly healed scar. "But that Hiei enjoyed how much he
hurt me."
Yusuke nodded. "Our Hiei is abrasive, but not mean."
'Your blood smells filthy, Kurama. Human. It makes me sick.'
He must have stiffened.
Yusuke whispered, "Sorry, I shouldn't have-"
Kurama shook his head. "Don't apologize. Talking helps, even though it's much
harder than I would have thought. I won't recover if I don't get all this
poison out of me." He nodded to Yusuke as he straightened and gave him a small
smile. "Spending time here with all of you is helping. Having new experiences
to remember is helping."
Yusuke frowned, sharply.
"Yusuke?"
 
——
 
Hiei stared in wide-eyed shock.
"Don't look at me like that. It's a good idea."
"I'm impressed. You're a bigger idiot than I thought."
"Hiei, all you hear is Kurama in your head, right?"
Hiei's eyes darkened.
Ah.  So it is the same for Kurama then.
What did I say to him?
Kurama never had anything to fear from me.
He's proven himself been the stronger of both of us.
How could I possibly have hurt him?
"C'mon, you know I'm right."
Hiei turned on his heel and stalked away.
"Hiei." Yusuke trotted after him. "You're gonna have to see him at some point."
"I don't actually."
"Oh yeah? What are you going to do?"
"Return to Makai. Go back to the life I had before you and Koenma ruined it."
Ruined me.
I don't need any of you.
If I'd stayed in Makai in the first place-
"No, you won't. Not now, at least."
Hiei glared at him. "Why, are you going to stop me?" he snarled. Electricity
danced on his shoulders.
Yusuke laughed. "No, you're just not going to leave. C'mon, Hiei, I think I
know you better than that. You always say you're going to go, and then you
don't." Yusuke slung his arm over Hiei's bare shoulders; Hiei flinched but
didn't move away. Yusuke stiffened for a moment as if expecting retaliation,
and, when none came, he relaxed. His fingers tapped against Hiei's bare
shoulder.
Hiei remembered standing outside the udon shop, encircled by Yusuke and Keiko
and Kuwabara, Yusuke's arm over his shoulders, his hand tapping the same beat.
They said everything I experienced came from my memories.
Did I have a memory of Yusuke touching me? Did I have a memory of this rhythm?
I can't remember, but I must, right?
What else don't I know I remember?
Yusuke hugged Hiei against his side. "You don't gotta pretend."
Hiei stayed quiet as they continued down the stone paths, walking side by side.
They paused on a little bridge, overlooking a small creek. Insects darted over
the surface of the water.
Hiei slipped out from under Yusuke's arm.
"It is a good idea though." Yusuke leaned on the railing. "When you think of
Kurama, you only hear all the things Higashiyama's Kurama said to you. You
don't think of all the stuff before that, do you? You spent all that time with
him before, but the only thing you can think of is what happened over the past
month."
Hiei jumped up, crouching on the railing.
"And now you know it wasn't Kurama, not the real Kurama at least. But it was
still something wearing Kurama's face, talking in Kurama's voice. I don't think
it's possible that you'd just forget with time. But even though you won't
forget, it will get easier." Yusuke squinted into the sun. "Just about anything
gets easier with time."
The shadow of the bridge danced on the creek bed. Tiny fish darted near the
rocky edges.
"Maybe you just need to make new memories on top of all that bad stuff. How
else are you going to move on?"
"What's the point?" Hiei growled. "If I see his face, I…" He stopped, looking
down. "I don't want to see him."
"Yeah, well, he doesn't want to see you either."
Hiei's head snapped up.
Yusuke was looking at something further up the creek; his hand shadowed his
eyes. "You hurt him too. Well, not you. Higashiyama's you. Higashiyama's Hiei?
We need a better name for these not-real-yous."
Hiei glared.
Yusuke eyed him. "You knew that though. You knew Kurama had been hurt by you in
his Territory."
"What… What did… What happened to him?"
What did I do to him?
Yusuke turned around, leaning against the railing. "We don't know. He won't
talk to us. Whenever someone asks, he just says, 'It's okay. I'm okay.'"
Hiei flinched.
The transmission tower-
"But he's not okay. And even though he knows we know he's lying, he…" Yusuke
sighed. "You know how he is. He pretends he can do everything himself." His
sneaker scuffed at a misaligned plank on the bridge. "He's the one always going
on and on about relying on each other, but when it comes down to it, he won't
rely on us, even when he knows he's hurting himself by not."
Hiei clenched his hands into fists.
"He's a fucking idiot," Yusuke muttered. "Listen. He won't talk to us, but
honestly, we didn't expect any different. But I bet I know who he would talk
to." He turned his head, and pointed his cocked finger at Hiei. "Bang."
 
——
 
Kurama looked up from the book.
Yusuke slid the door open. "Hey." He jerked his head to Kuwabara.
Kuwabara muttered something and got up. They went into the hall together, door
slipping closed behind them.
The paper door did nothing to muffle their conversation.
"How's tutoring?"
"Going good, actually. I really think I might actually have a chance."
"Hey, that's great!"
"Need to take a break though. You want me to run to the Lawson?"
"Yeah, actually. Get snacks and shit. You know what I like, and Hiei wants
those cookies with the sprinkles on them. He didn't like the chocolate ones you
got this morning so get the rainbow ones. And get the ones with the white
icing, not the green. He said the green wasn't sweet enough." Yusuke snorted.
"Kid's a fucking sugar addict."
Hiei's tongue laps at the blood slicked down his fingers. 'I never knew filthy
human blood could be so sweet,' he murmurs.
Kurama closed his hand around the scar.
"He's pretty damn picky for someone without any money."
The jingle of coins.
"You're lucky. He had a whole list but I made him choose just one."
"I'm surprised he still has teeth. Do youkai brush their teeth?" Kuwabara's
voice lowered. "Are there youkai dentists?"
"How the hell should I know?!"
"Shouldn't you know by now?!"
"Hey, just because I'm mazoku doesn't mean I'm magically an encyclopedia of the
Makai! Ask someone else!"
"Alright, alright. Hey, don't mess up my notes!"
"As if I would." The door slid open and Yusuke stepped inside; Kuwabara's heavy
footsteps thumped down the hall. "Hey."
"Yusuke."
"So, I talked to Hiei." Yusuke sat on the floor and pulled a paper out of his
pocket.
"Terms?"
"Yup."
Kurama closed the book on its marker and sighed. "Maybe this isn't-"
"It's a great idea and you know it." Yusuke unfolded the paper; Kurama handed
him another, which he'd written before. Yusuke held the pages next to each
other. "Okay. So his idea of neutral territory is kind of the same as yours,
but he doesn't like the northeastern guesthouse or the arena, so those are out.
He thinks the shrine up on the hill is a bad idea because of the…" Yusuke
squinted at his own writing. "Oh yeah, the shrine youkai. Hey, do you think
there are tanuki there?!"
"It's possible."
"Huh, I'll have to go take a look later. Let's see. Oh. He also doesn't want to
see you."
Kurama frowned. "But you said-"
"He wants to talk to you, but he doesn't want to actually see you. I was
thinking, there's that older residence house on the western edge that Genkai
uses for guests. It's one of those old-style buildings, with all those screens
that slide open to make one huge room, or close up and make five smaller rooms.
If we close the screens between two of the rooms, you can be in one room and he
can be in another and still hear each other. There are separate exits and
everything. You can talk, but you don't have to see each other." Yusuke
grinned. "Like in those old samurai movies."
Kurama frowned. "Is that really going to make a difference for him?"
Yusuke nodded. "He… He actually didn't say he didn't want to see you. He said
he doesn't want to be seen by you."
Hiei, on his knees, sobs into the floor as Kurama watches, worried but
enraptured and never more in love-
Kurama winced.
"Kurama?"
Kurama looked away. "It's fine."
He heard Yusuke's sigh.
"Genkai suggested that if, uh, hearing what he has to say is too much, you can
say 'stop' and he has to stop, and vice versa. Hiei agreed."
Kurama nodded.
"One last thing. He wants it to be at night, in the dark."
Kurama frowned. "I don't take issue with that. Starting when?"
"Tonight, if you're up for it."
"But he just woke up yesterday!"
Yusuke shrugged. "You know how he is."
Kurama smiled wearily. "He can be so impulsive sometimes, can't he?"
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Summary
     Let's talk.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Hiei felt Kurama enter the other room from the far side.
Hiei yanked his youki away from Kurama with a soundless snarl; Kurama's youki
had also reached for his, and Kurama had drawn his youki back as well.
Our youki want one another.
They call to each other.
It's as Genkai said.
Even though this isn't the same Kurama who-
He swallowed back panic.
My youki wants to go to him.
It will always want to go to him.
His hands clenched into fists.
That, at least, was real.
"Hiei," Kurama said, his voice soft.
Hiei's blood turned to ice.
That's not him.
He's not the same Kurama.
He's not!
Don't think about it!
Hiei realized he hadn't replied.
"Kurama."
He snarled at himself. His voice had been too soft. He knew Kurama heard the
gentleness, the weakness he hadn't meant to voice.
He heard Kurama make his way across the empty room, his bare feet softly
sliding along the tatami. As a shadow against the paper-screened door, Hiei
watched him sit, parallel to Hiei, his legs crossed casually at the ankles.
Yusuke had pushed back the screens facing the outside garden and a fresh summer
freeze lazily circled the room.
The wood of the building and the tatami both had their own sweet summer scent,
but all Hiei could smell were roses.
He closed his eyes.
I can do this.
That's not him.
That's… the real Kurama.
The one from before all of this.
From before.
From the Tournament.
From Makai.
He tried to think of Kurama's huge fanged mouth wide with laughter, his clawed
hand on the inside of Hiei's knee, his thumb stroking his skin between the
rends in Hiei's trousers, his knowing golden eyes-
Kurama looks up at him from beneath his bangs, his eyes vivid and gold and
powerful. He rearranges his grasp on Hiei's hips, and with a hard mocking
smile, pulls-
He reeled with horror.
Hiei furiously swiped the back of his hand over his eyes.
Kurama.
Kurama, why?
Why did you-
Stop fucking thinking about it!
Hiei clenched his fists and set his teeth and struggled not to cry.
It wasn't him!
It wasn't!
Don't think about it!
They sat in silence, listening to the crickets.
Hiei tried to calm his breathing and his pulse and the raging of his youki.
This is pointless if we don't actually talk to each other.
"I am-" "I was-"
They both fell silent.
The wind rustled a wind chime hanging from the roof over the patio.
"You go first," Kurama said softly.
"I am… What I said to you, the other day," Hiei said through his teeth. "About
being a… a monster. I didn't… know. About… about Higashiyama."
Kurama's shadow through the paper door nodded.
Hiei gulped for breath.
I can't do this.
I can't.
Kurama.
He slammed his eyes shut.
Focus!
"Genkai said… the… the 'me' in your Territory was… very…" he swallowed, "cruel
to you."
Kurama said nothing, but Hiei could feel his attention and knew he was
listening.
"So my… words must have made it… harder, for you."
He lowered his head and let out the rest of the air in his lungs. He was
exhausted and they'd barely started.
He listened to the lanky summer wind make the closed screens shudder on their
casters. He could hear Kurama's controlled breathing.
Kurama was giving him time to recover.
Hiei curled in on himself.
Even now, you know me better-
Kurama's breath catches as he snaps his hips forward, and Hiei keens. 'You are
mine. I know you, inside and out.' His eyes gleam with that terrible
viciousness that used to excite Hiei's blood. 'You can hide nothing from me.'
He draws back, dragging himself not quite all the way out of Hiei's heat-
Shaking, Hiei clamped his hands over his own mouth to keep himself silent. His
youki strained against his control, but terror tightened Hiei's grip, and he
allowed himself to shake in silence. He bit hard on the inside of his cheek.
Blood flowered in his mouth. He focused on that, on only that, on the taste of
blood and on tamping down his treacherous youki.
Kurama said nothing.
Hiei refused to think about him.
Eventually he stilled. He took a breath. His tongue lapped at the inside of his
cheek. He wanted to say something, anything, to tell Kurama he could speak
again, but he didn't trust his voice.
But Kurama seemed to know.
"May I?"
Hiei shuddered. He nodded.
"Your words stung, Hiei. I won't pretend they didn't." Kurama sighed. "But I
knew you were hurting. I knew your circumstances, even if you didn't know
mine."
It's him-
It's the same voice-
It's not!
Stop thinking about it!
Hiei cleared his throat. "Still."
They listened to the crickets.
"You were in Higashiyama's Territory for a month," Kurama said after a long
while, his voice thick with emotion. "I cannot imagine-"
'Now imagine if I didn’t love you.'
"Stop."
A cloud, lit by the unseen moon high over the roof, passed into sight, glowing
white in an indigo sky. Hiei listened to the sound of Kurama's breath; his
Jagan watched the slow waving of Kurama's youki around him, how it would begin
to draw towards Hiei just to have Kurama slowly reel it back.
If he let himself, he could taste Kurama's melancholy. He wasn't sure how.
Hiei heard an owl.
Kurama shifted on his side of the screen. "Can I tell you, about how it was for
me?"
His voice was so soft Hiei barely heard him over the summer wind.
Can I bear to hear it?
"Yes."
Kurama nodded. Through the paper, Hiei could see the shadow that was Kurama
draw his legs closer to his body. "After we left Kaito, it was about ten
minutes until we were in what I thought was the Territory. I felt the shift, as
we'd felt with Kaito and the others."
Hiei listened. Kurama's voice, the low rhythm of his cadence, the soft way his
sentences drifted into barely more than a breath at the end: it all sent his
heart racing with comfort and terror and desire. His stomach tightened.
There's no difference between them.
That Kurama and this one.
But this one is real.
And that one was not.
He hugged his arms around himself.
I want to die.
Would it be easier for him if I were dead?
Would he survive it?
'Without him, what reason have I to live?'
Realization stabbed through Hiei. Kurama was still talking, but Hiei couldn't
hear him.
"Stop!" he cried.
Kurama stopped mid-sentence. "Hiei?"
He never said it.
This Kurama.
The real Kurama.
It was the Territory.
He trembled, but this was despair, not fear.
He never-
It wasn't real.
He doesn't-
I don't know how he feels.
'Hiei, you know how I feel about you. Haven't I shown you?'
None of that happened.
Shaking, Hiei stumbled to his feet.
"Hiei? Are you alright?"
No!
Why am I even here?!
You never cared for me at all, did you, Kurama?!
Just a toy-
No, that was the Territory!
I don't know what was real!
He covered his face with his hands.
I don't know!
I don't know what you want from me!
I don't know anything! I don't know who you are, or who I am, or what we are!
He remembered saying those words. He remembered Kurama's disappointed frown.
Then-
No!
It wasn't real!
I don't know what you feel!
I only know that monster made of my own fears!
"Do you… do you love me?"
He had spoken without intending to.
Kurama said nothing.
Hiei's legs threatened to give out beneath him.
He stared up at the darkened ceiling.
No.
That's his answer.
The Kurama I fear the most loves me.
The true Kurama doesn't.
He wondered if he could will his core to shatter into pieces.
He regretted leaving his katana with Yusuke.
None of it was real.
A friend, a confidant, maybe. But nothing more.
Never more.
So I'm the only one who…
None of it-
"I don't know quite why you're asking this right now," Kurama said softly. "But
yes. I have loved you for a long time, Hiei." His voice stopped as if he meant
to say more, but he said nothing else.
'It's only that I can now see what has been there for a very long time.'
Hiei sank to a crouch on trembling legs.
Did I know?
When did I know?
He remembered exploding boulders, touching himself to the memory of the first
time Kurama drowned him, to memories of Kurama's face.
That was the only time Kurama drowned me.
On the boat.
The only drowning that happened.
But my youki…
"Hiei?"
Hiei returned to sit beside the screen. He willed his body to stop shaking, to
some minor success. "Continue."
Kurama was watching him in the darkness, watching the low agony of his youki,
his shadow against the paper. "Are you not going to tell me why you asked
that?"
"No."
Please, Kurama.
Please don't push me right now.
This is worse than death.
Kurama sighed. "Alright." He rearranged his long legs. "To continue where I
left off, we fought the Territory-user and his youkai companions, but there was
nothing I could contribute to the fight; the Territory-user's ability kept me
from being able to have any idea where our attackers were, and one of the
youkai had a plant ability which negated mine."
Hiei forced himself to concentrate on Kurama's words and nothing else.
"Your Jagan saw through the Territory without issue. You killed both the
youkai, but were injured in the process because you had been forced to protect
me. We pursued the Territory-user, but eventually he escaped."
Hiei watched the bright cloud pass behind the rooftop.
Focus. Listen to him. The rest doesn't matter right now.
That's what Yusuke said. New memories.
Fine. Anything is better than this pain.
Focus.
"You were angry that we hadn't been able to catch the Territory-user. It was
late and we were close to my home, so I took you there to treat your wounds.
While I bandaged you, we talked about when we first met."
"Eight-arms."
"Yes."
The crickets continued to sing.
"Shiori was away, so I offered to let you spend the night. You agreed, and we…"
Hiei closed his eyes. He could hear the rumble of pleasure in Kurama's voice,
even though he was trying to hide it.
'Beg all you want, Hiei. You are mine.'
"We-"
"Stop."
He remembered Kurama's hands on his hips, his grip so tight it left bruises on
his hipbones over older bruises, roughly pulling him down and dragging him up
again. He remembered the torture of it, but also the shameful coils of
inexplicable pleasure-
"Hiei-"
"Stop."
Hiei dragged in air. His hands tightened into claws on his knees.
A single drop of sweat traces the line of Kurama's cheek, slipping from his
chin to fall on Hiei's stomach. Kurama smiles.
'No one will ever love you as completely as I do, Hiei. Remember that.'
'Just another-'
Hiei stumbled onto his feet and crossed the room to the far corner. He vomited
into the basin.
Behind him, Hiei felt Kurama's youki flare. He couldn't understand the
cacophony of emotions rolling off of Kurama or why he could feel Kurama at all.
Hiei wiped his mouth on the towel and spat into the basin, thankful for
Yusuke's foresight. He drank from the bottle. The water was still cool.
He crossed the room and sat back down where he had been.
Don't think about it.
"Go on."
Kurama sniffed.
He's crying.
What's made you cry, Kurama? Your memories? Or my reaction?
How can you possibly understand what you've done to me?
What my fear of you made you do to me?
The nausea returned. Hiei clenched his eyes shut and dug his nails into his
knees.
The pain helped.
Kurama coughed lightly. "In the morning, you were gone, and I had to go to
school. I went, but ended up leaving early as I wasn't feeling well. I went
back home and fell asleep." He swallowed. "Shiori was supposed to call that
night, but she didn't."
Hiei's hands tightened into fists on his lap.
He's afraid of being alone.
I've always known that.
Were there parts of your fears in my Territory, Kurama?
"The next day I decided to not go to school. I went to Genkai's, but no one
else was there. She was furious with me. She said that it was my fault the
Territory-user had escaped. Two humans had been killed in public, and it was
obvious that the Territory-user we were supposed to stop had been using his
ability to mask the movements of more youkai. I tried to find you, but I
couldn't. I went home, alone.
"In the middle of the night, you came in through the window. You were angry
about the Territory-user. I asked if you would help me find him, and you
refused, unless Youko was the one doing the hunting, as I," Kurama sighed,
"wasn't nearly capable enough."
"Youko?"
"Unless I wore the fox form, you would not hunt with me."
Hiei frowned. "That's not possible. You don't have control over the shift."
"No, I don't." Kurama paused. His voice was harder, sadder. "You knew that, and
said it to be cruel."
You think I want to hurt you?
How can you think that?
After everything we've been through together, how can you think I want to see
you suffer?!
"Hiei?"
Damn you, Kurama!
During the Tournament, didn't you see what you being hurt did to me?!
After Sensui, didn't I treat your wounds?!
How the fuck don't you understand this?!
We didn't talk about that night, but you know I never want to see you hurt!
"Hiei? Should I stop?"
Hiei shook his head, growling silently.
Let it go. Drop it.
Stop!
Just listen to him!
"…No. Go on."
Kurama paused. "Hiei-"
"Go on," Hiei snarled.
Kurama breathed, and Hiei knew he was holding himself back. "You said I was
weak, that being human had ruined me. That it was inconceivable that Youko
Kurama had let his prey escape. You…" He drifted off. "Should I assume you
don't want to hear about anything… intimate?"
'I suppose that’s a perk of fucking an ice youkai as confused as you are.'
Hiei stood shakily and crossed the room. He crouched before the basin, waiting
for his nausea to fully manifest or leave.
His cock twitched.
Hiei slammed his eyes shut.
I hate this.
Kurama, why?
Why did this happen?!
"I'm sorry," Kurama whispered.
Hiei listened to the crickets and the wind chime.
You love me.
You've loved me for a long time.
Hiei winced.
I don't now what to feel.
But you… after everything you've been through, you still love me.
You would have said if you didn't.
You wouldn't lie to me.
Would you?
Hiei sighed. He reached for the water.
I have to believe something of you, Kurama.
If I choose something, I will believe you won't lie to me.
His chest ached.
Please don't lie to me.
I can't survive you hurting me again, Kurama.
His stomach rioted.
He remembered staring from the doorway at Kurama as he sat shirtless on the
little cot in that dark stone guesthouse, illuminated by red flames, the sound
of Kurama's confession ringing in his mind.
'I stand by what I said, Hiei. All of it.'
He shook his head.
After everything we've been through…
How can you love me?
Was it only natural?
To change from whatever we were to one another to…
To what?
Lovers?
The word didn't feel right.
Besides, if it's something we both wanted then how could it have happened in
the Territory?
Is it because it was something we were both afraid of?
Or because it going wrong was what we feared the most?
He snorted.
Fucking wonderful.
Because of that fucking human and his fucking Territory, the one good thing I
might have actually been able to have is lost to me forever.
I'm going to kill that fucking human.
He bared his teeth to the dark.
Obviously what I did to you in the Territory wasn't enough, Higashiyama.
No. You have no idea what you've done.
You have no idea what I will do to you.
The nausea ebbed as quiet fury filled him. He drank the water shakily.
"Do you want to stop for now?"
Hiei returned and sat down stiffly; he ignored the protests of his tingling
cock. "No."
Don't think about it.
Just don't think about it.
Kurama breathed. "Okay."
The crickets were starting to quiet.
"You mocked me, and left. I called Shiori, but she didn't answer. The next day,
I went to Genkai's and she said you'd gone alone and killed the Territory-user.
But that you'd been badly hurt."
Hiei turned. There was a strange tightness in Kurama's voice that he didn't
understand.
"She said you'd… gone to her, for healing."
Ah.
Replaceable.
How can you possibly think you're replaceable, Kurama?
Especially to me?
"I went to check up to you and you were angry. You said that when I… When we…"
Kurama sighed. "After Urashima."
Hiei froze.
"Hiei?"
"The d-drowning."
He heard Kurama sniff. "Yes. You have thought of it as drowning, haven't you?"
Irritation, that old comfort, flared. "As opposed to?"
"I would call it devouring."
"It's the same thing!"
Kurama sniffed again. "It is, isn't it?"
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
"Should I go on?"
Hiei nodded, but Kurama seemed to know despite the screens and the dark
separating them.
"You said that after that night, I was supposed to be the one protecting you.
But that I was weak, and stupid for trying to be both human and youkai."
Hiei frowned.
It is stupid. I've told you that before.
But it's who you are.
You are Youko, and you are Shuichi. That's what Kurama is.
It's…
I wouldn't want just half of you.
"That I'm too youkai to be a real human, and too sentimental to call myself
youkai."
Are you afraid that I only want half of you?
That I'd make you choose?
"That I'm wasting the power I had as Youko on playing 'make believe.' That you
should have found someone strong enough to be a worthy…" Kurama's voice drifted
into silence.
This is what he thinks of me.
He thinks I resent that he had such strength and gave it away to survive and
become human.
He thinks I believe him to be weak.
He thinks I regret having allowed him to drown me.
You don't trust me at all, do you, Kurama?
You have no faith in me whatsoever.
Kurama cleared his throat. "But you came home with me again." He stopped
speaking. Through the screen, Hiei could see that he had covered his face with
his hands; his youki trembled.
Only we could have hurt each other like this.
More clouds gathered in the not-quite-black skies.
After some time, Kurama cleared his throat. "Should I continue?" Kurama said,
voice cracking.
"Yes."
"In the morning, you were very unkind. You said…" Kurama choked.
Hiei closed his eyes. "You don't have to push yourself."
"It's so hard, Hiei," Kurama hissed, speaking faster than he had all night. He
was crying openly. "It's hard to remember that it wasn't you. You're hearing
this for the first time, but for me, I'm repeating things that you've said to
me for no reason other than to hurt me. I know it's you there listening, but I
can't help but see your face as you said these things to me."
Hiei took a deep breath. "I know."
"It hurts, Hiei."
'It's supposed to.'
Hiei dug his fingernails harder into his knees. "I know."
"I know you know, Hiei. Perhaps even better than I considering…" Kurama turned
his head away. "You were there a month. I wonder how you can even sit here and
listen to me."
Turning the conversation away from yourself.
Have I always been able to see through you so easily?
The same wind that sent the wind chime singing drifted across Hiei's face. He
could smell some sweet scent, something floral, not roses.
Kurama stayed in silence for a long time.
Kurama.
He heard Kurama move and the sloshing of liquid, and Kurama swallowing. "I'm
able to continue. Shall I?"
"Yes."
Kurama sniffed. "As I was getting ready for school, you were… You were angry.
You lectured me about responsibilities, about choosing sides, about humans and
youkai. We talked about the Tournament. You said that you would have liked if
Karasu had played with me more during my fight with him. You said that it was
thrilling to see me brought so low, made so powerless. You said that you would
have liked to have seen Karasu devour me as-"
No!
Hiei was on his feet, flames and electricity rearing around him, without
realizing he'd moved.
He tried to pull his youki back but couldn't.
"Hiei?"
No!
He couldn't see Kurama; the light cast from his fire was too bright to see
through the thick paper. His chest was tight; his fists shook.
With a cry, he extinguished the fires and doused the sparks.
Kurama faced the screen. One hand touched the paper.
He remembered how Karasu had laughed at Kurama on his knees, how drenched in
his own blood Kurama had been; Hiei remembered the horror that had frozen him
in place and kept him unable to move-
He had never been paralyzed with fear before then.
His chest was too tight.
I can't breathe!
He pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes, his shoulders hunched. He
was shaking. He stumbled.
No!
His mind was supplying images, images he knew weren't real, but that stabbed
into his mind nonetheless. He could see Karasu laughing with pleasure, his arms
wide, and Kurama on his knees, as Hiei had been, with his head low, as Hiei
had-
"Hiei?"
Hiei sank, his hands clutching his head, growling at ghosts. He could
see Karasu holding a bound Kurama aloft, whispering as Kurama whimpered,
Karasu's long hands wrapped around the soft porcelain skin on Kurama's hips,
his long fingers tracing along the dark lines of Kurama's veins beneath the
translucency of his skin, then a sudden strong pull and Kurama's scream, his
hair falling back-
Hiei rushed to the basin, but there was nothing left in his stomach. His
stomached heaved once without effect, again, again, again.
No!
No!
It isn't real!
"Hiei, what's happened?"
"Stop," Hiei gasped. He curled in on himself. His stomach was in knots; his
blood raced with pain and panic. He pressed his hands harder against his face
until he saw flashing white lights behind his eyes. Nausea swept through him;
he dry-heaved again. Karasu's smile leered at him behind his eyes.
No!
"Hiei-"
"Stop! Just stop!"
He covered his face with his hands.
No! I saw the fight! Karasu didn't drown him!
He didn't!
Why am I so upset?!
He ignored the rising understanding of why he was so upset.
It wasn't real!
It didn't happen!
Kurama killed him!
He's dead!
They're all dead!
They can't-
Don't fucking thing about it!
He swished some of the water in his mouth and spat it into the basin. His hands
were shaking. He sucked water from the bottle. The water was lukewarm and
tasted of plastic.
Kurama thinks this is what I think of him.
That I want to see him ruined!
He vomited up the water into the basin.
"Hiei!"
A sob rose in his throat, but he swallowed it down.
It's not real.
It's not real!
It was a nightmare!
He forced his breathing to even out. He put down the bottle as carefully as he
could so his shaking hands wouldn't knock water over the tatami. Slowly,
weakly, he drew his youki into him.
It wasn't real.
Kurama is…
I'm the only one who has hurt Kurama.
He eyed the water bottle, wondering if he could stomach another sip.
I fucking hate humans.
Fucking Territories.
No youkai has this kind of power.
Only these fucking humans would come up with something as horrible as these
fucking Territories.
He hazarded a small sip of water; when his stomach didn't immediately surge, he
took another. Then another.
I know what to expect from youkai. It's these fucking humans that never make
any sense.
He wearily smiled to himself.
Sensui was right.
Humans are the real menace.
Not us.
Slowly, shakily, he returned to his spot on the other side of the paper from
Kurama.
"Do you want to stop?" Kurama whispered.
"No." Hiei sat. His body ached. He wanted to sleep and never wake up. "I was
there. Karasu didn't drown you during the fight."
Kurama's youki stilled. "No."
What is that reaction?
What did you think I was going to say?
Hiei took a deep breath. "Did he want to?"
"Yes."
"You know this?"
"Yes." Kurama paused. "Remember I told you before the fight, Karasu and Bui saw
me in the halls of the arena? It was then. Karasu mentioned a few things he
wanted to do to me, one of them being devouring me."
Hiei wanted to destroy something, but Karasu was already dead and the room was
made of wood and dry grass and Genkai had already yelled at him about
destroying her property after he'd smashed a lantern in a panicked rage during
their conversation that morning. "Go on."
"It bothers you, to think of Karasu and I together."
Together.
The air snapped out of Hiei's chest. "Yes," he snarled when he could breathe
again.
Kurama's voice was soft as silk. "Why?"
Because he would have done to you what you did to me.
Because he would have destroyed you as you destroyed me.
Because I hate seeing you hurt.
Because thinking of you with someone else-
He thought of Karasu's hands touching Kurama's face.
No!
Because you…
Because I…
Hiei couldn't speak.
Kurama sighed.
He's hurt.
I'm hurting him.
As I hurt him in the Territory.
From the darkness from the other side of the paper door, Kurama's small voice
said, "That night after my fight with Urashima was important to me, Hiei."
We're going to talk about this now, are we?
Is this really the best time, Kurama?
We're both wounded.
Hiei closed his eyes. "I know."
"Did it mean anything to you?"
Hiei sagged forward onto his hands.
How can you ask me that?!
How?!
Do you not know me at all?
"Hiei?"
"Yes," Hiei hissed.
Shouldn't you know?!
How can you not know?!
After everything we've been through?!
After everything?!
Hiei clawed at the tatami. "You… It was…" He snarled at himself.
Why can't I do this?!
Say something, damn it!
Kurama's voice was soft, too soft. "Can you tell me? We haven't actually talked
about it. By now, it's been two months." Kurama's voice turned away. "For two
months I've wanted to talk to you about it."
I'm hurting him!
I… I can't.
He clenched his hands until his nails pierced his palms.
'It hurts.'
'Yes. It's supposed to.'
'You said you wouldn't hurt me.'
'I will never hurt you.'
'You're hurting me now!'
He clawed at his head.
"Hiei?"
I don't… I don't trust you anymore!
You lied to me so many times!
You promised to protect me, Kurama!
Hiei clapped his hands over his mouth to hide his sobs. He knew Kurama would
hear the falling hirui stones.
I can't trust you!
I know it's not you that hurt me, but…
I can't.
I can't!
I'm sorry, Kurama!
He needed to breathe, but couldn't trust himself not to cry out.
In the Territory or not, all I do is hurt you!
Hiei shook his head, mouth still covered, and turned away from the screen
between them.
Kurama fell silent.
Hiei choked into his hands.
Kurama stood and left.
Chapter End Notes
     Poor Hiei.
     --
     I love reading your comments, your thoughts, your reactions! I'm
     really happy to share this.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Summary
     Back in their own corners.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
"It's a beautiful night, isn't it?" Kurama said as Botan leapt down from her
oar. She sat on the flat ridge of the roof beside him, gesturing her oar into
nonexistence.
"Summer nights usually are around here." She shifted until they sat side by
side, their shoulders touching. "It's just so hot during the day."
Hiei.
"Kurama?"
"Yes?"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Kurama smiled. "Am I that obvious?"
"A little." She rested her head on his shoulder and he could smell the scent of
the soaps her human shell used. It was pleasant.
Nothing like Hiei's sulfur and ozone and ice.
He knew she had felt him tense.
"Was it that bad?" Botan said softly.
Kurama looked down at his hands folded loosely in his lap. "I don't know what I
was expecting."
"He just woke up, Kurama. This is the first time he's actually spoken to you
since before Higashiyama. He has to unlearn everything he's learned about you
for the past month." She shook her head and her hair brushed his cheek. "It's
not going to be easy."
Things were already tense before the Territory.
I never should have let him run away from me after the Tournament.
And again after Sensui.
I was a coward.
And now…
Kurama nodded, swallowing against the lump in his throat. "It will be hard
enough because of what we experienced in the Territories. The experiences
themselves are no small barrier to overcome." He rested his chin on his arms.
He rubbed the scar on his palm.
Hiei.
Kurama looked up at the summer night sky. "The thing I wasn't anticipating is
how different I am. It wasn't just the experiences, but how my understanding
changed because of the experiences. I imagine it must be the same for… him."
"Of course your view of him changed. How could it not, after what he did to
you?"
Kurama shook his head. "It's not like that. Most of what I've come to realize
is about myself, not about Hiei at all."
"Oh?"
"The image in my head before all this happened wasn't really of Hiei, but
rather of what I wanted my perception of him to be. That isn't to say it was
entirely a lie: I knew him and I trusted him-"
And loved him.
"-but ignoring the parts of him that I didn't want to acknowledge was
fundamental to those feelings."
I miss you so much, Hiei.
Kurama sighed. Botan patted his back.
There had been a time when Kurama had excised a precise and perfect control
over his human body. No matter what he felt, he'd be damned if he'd let his
weak human body demonstrate something he didn't want.
…It was just harder now than it should have been.
He forced his voice to stay soft and low. "If the feelings I allowed myself to
have were true to the whole of what Hiei is, that Hiei in the Territory
couldn't have hurt me. It would have been impossible for that Hiei to have been
cruel to me, or…" Kurama's hand tightened around his scarred palm. "Or to have
hurt me."
"You didn't know what you really thought about him?"
"No, I knew. But I didn't acknowledge that I knew. I pretended I didn't know."
He felt tears swell in his eyes, unpermitted, but he was so tired, and so
ragged. And it was just Botan, after all. "I really did trust Hiei before, and
I did know him. But I didn't want to see Hiei's selfishness, or how he felt
about me being what I am. I didn't want to see-"
How much he fears being weak, and how that drives him to lengths that frighten
me.
How much he resents me for being stronger than he is.
How afraid he is of how he feels towards me, and how anxious it makes me to not
be able to predict what he will do with those feelings.
How I suspect that much of his feelings towards me could be driven solely by
the fact that I am stronger than he is.
How terrified I am that by having greater strength, I've forced him into
feelings he wouldn't have otherwise.
How scared I am that he only accepted the devouring because he was intoxicated
by my power.
How terrified I am that I'm wrong and he doesn't have any feelings for me at
all.
How scared I am of him turning against me.
How terrified I am of losing him…
…and of losing him before ever truly having him.
"-how afraid I am of being hurt by him." Kurama took a deep breath. "But that,
and only that, is what Higashiyama showed me. And it's hard to remember the all
good things that I knew before."
Botan made a sound of sympathy. "Before, you only let yourself see the good
things. Only the sunshine and flowers."
Kurama laughed. "I think that's the first time someone's compared Hiei to
sunshine and flowers."
Botan smiled. "And Higashiyama made you confront all your worst fears about
Hiei."
Kurama's smile fell. He looked back out over the darkened trees.
"But he's not sunshine and flowers," her voice smiled, "and he's not all the
parts Higashiyama made you recognize. He's both."
"He is, isn't he?" Kurama said softly.
"If you had acknowledged all those things beforehand, Higashiyama wouldn't have
been able to use them against you. You wouldn't have been afraid of them.
They'd be things you didn't like, but not things you feared, right?" She
straightened; without her leaning on him, Kurama's shoulder felt suddenly cool.
"It's probably the same for him too."
"I imagine it must be." Kurama sighed.
Who was I, that hurt you so?
He remembered Hiei's reaction to Kurama's words.
What did I do to you, Hiei?
Even then, in the dark of that divided room, listening to Hiei retch and gasp
for breath, Kurama's clever fox mind had raced, pulling from Hiei's short words
and frantic reactions a truth that Kurama absolutely could not accept.
The most obvious answer is-
He flinched.
"Kurama?"
No.
It… There's no way.
A month in the Territory or not.
There's no way Hiei could believe I'd ever-
No!
"I'm fine."
Botan shook her head. "I'm sure it doesn't help that Hiei thinks talking about
his feelings is worse than torture."
Kurama focused fully on Botan.
But the devouring.
His youki was too attracted to mine for a single devouring-
But if-
I'm overreacting. Taking this too far. It can't be that. There's something I'm
missing. Some facet. Maybe if I could see him, I'd be able to discover what I'm
missing.
That has to be it.
Hiei sits on the little bed, his back against the headboard, his face turned to
the wall. There are clouds of dark bruises beneath his chin; thin black bruises
criss-cross over his forearms on both sides like ligatures. There are marks on
his chest, over his ribs, on his waist, and, as Hiei turns further away from
him and the blanket shifts, Kurama can see the blossoms of bruises, bruises on
bruises on bruises, on his hips-
Kurama closes his eyes.
No.
It's not possible.
Hiei wouldn't-
"Kurama?"
"Sorry, I'm here."
Botan continued to talk, but Kurama couldn't listen.
No! There's another answer. I'm missing something!
Because Hiei could never think… never believe I was capable of-
He trusts me more than that, right?!
He would know it wasn't me!
He'd have woken up!
"You know?"
Kurama nodded, trying to recount her words quickly to rejoin the conversation,
but he couldn't quite catch the line of the conversation. "No, you're right."
She turned and peered at him. "Kurama, can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"Has Hiei ever… told you how he feels about you?"
Kurama's heart sank.
'Don't start with that love nonsense again,' Hiei pants, arms limp overhead, as
Kurama fucks him into the bed. His eyes flutter closed with pleasure, and his
legs lock around Kurama's waist, dragging Kurama deeper; Hiei's groans turn
into laughter. Kurama leans forward and nips at Hiei's collarbone, tasting salt
and blood and sulfur. He tries to ignore the cold ache of emptiness in his
heart. 'This is physical, Kurama. If any love is involved, it's only that you
love to have your cock inside me.' He bares his teeth in a hateful mockery of a
grin and rolls his hips upwards as Kurama thrusts downwards, moaning. Kurama
kisses his throat. Hiei laughs. 'Can't say I disagree.'
"Oh, Kurama…"
"There was never any point. He wouldn't have been able to give me an answer,
even if I had asked. Even if I could ask him now," Kurama whispered. "I don't
think he knows how he feels about anything. He just doesn't think about these
things." He put his head in his hands. "He's a typical youkai in that way. All
he does is react, with no ability or desire to reflect on himself and his
actions or feelings."
He never learned how to deal with his emotions.
He was too busy surviving.
I had hoped that once he felt safe with me…
Botan eyed him. "But you were like that too once, right?"
Kurama clenched his teeth, but the tears came anyway. "Yes, I was. So I know
how unfair it is of me to ask him to be something I couldn't have been if the
situation were reversed. It will drive him further from me."
Further than he already is.
Why didn't you let me kill Higashiyama, Yusuke?!
"But isn't that unfair to you?"
The question took him off guard, and he choked out a sob. "Isn't it unfair of
me to want him to change for my own selfishness?"
"Is it selfish to want to hear that someone you love loves you back?"
'Again with this love nonsense?' Hiei rolls his eyes even as his hips continue
to rock gently in Kurama's lap. Hiei turns his head, and the flush of pink on
his cheeks is delicious: Kurama focuses on that and the hardness of Hiei's cock
in his hand and not on his breaking heart. Hiei leans back against Kurama's
chest, his hips still shifting, his breath in little gasps. 'Focus more on
fucking me right and less on love, Shuichi,' Hiei breathes; his hands clutch at
the back of Kurama's neck, crushing seedlings beneath his fingers. 'More, damn
you,' he groans.
"I thought we had time. That eventually, once things calmed down, I could show
him."
"And you had time, before." Botan sighed. "Maybe you should tell him now."
Behind the screen, Hiei's breathing is ragged, his youki in half-restrained
chaos. 'Do you… do you love me?' Hiei's voice is a ruin of agony. Through the
shock and terror of Hiei's question, Kurama fights his own instinct to throw
open the screen and gather Hiei into his arms. He doesn't let himself think
about why Hiei doesn't already know the answer to his question.
Suddenly cold, Kurama rubbed the top of his thighs.
'I have loved you for a long time, Hiei.' Hiei doesn't reply. Even as his brain
goes into a panic, absorbing information from every one of his strained senses
both human and youkai, despair settles like a quiet stone at the bottom of
Kurama's heart.
"Kurama?"
'Are you not going to tell me why you asked that?'
'No.'
"It's nothing, I'm okay." He gives Botan a weak smile. "Hiei knows how I feel.
It's his own feelings that are a mystery to him." He shook his head. "Hiei sees
affection as a weakness, and right now he's compromised. In a moment like this,
if pushed, he will choose the safety of relying only on himself. He would run
from me."
I'd never see him again.
Botan made a thoughtful hum.
"Hiei believes relationships grant someone power over you. That they keep you
from being free." Kurama paused. "It very well could be that the only way Hiei
can understand how I feel is in terms of possessor and possession."
And a possession has no say over what its possessor does. A possessor has all
the power and all the agency. A possession has none.
It isn't hard to imagine Hiei believes that because I devoured him, that I
would take the role of possessor.
Oh, Hiei.
Can't you allow that sometimes things aren't simple?
You're not mine because I own you, Hiei.
You're mine because I've given myself to you.
Kurama stared at the night sky, unseeing, trying to forget the sounds of Hiei's
horrified, muffled sobbing in that darkened room.
But you can't see that. Not yet.
I know there are two things that you fear more than anything, Hiei.
Being weak.
Being trapped.
He had seen Hiei's bruises.
Kurama closed his eyes.
Hiei.
 
——
 
Yusuke strode up the steps to the shrine complex. His shadow, some ten paces
behind, followed in silence.
He's being weird.
I mean, when is he not being weird?
Weird for him though.
Double weird.
At the top, Yusuke paused and bowed to the gate. He glanced over his shoulder.
Hiei, swimming in Yusuke's oversized black sweater and Yusuke's blue sweatshirt
and jeans scavenged from Genkai's storeroom, snarled at him. He rubbed at the
cloth over the Jagan; Yusuke wondered if it was still open beneath. "I'm not
bowing. You wouldn't either if you knew what they're really like."
"That's fine," Yusuke said, laughing.
He looks like a normal kid when he dresses like that.
Not scary at all.
Yusuke strolled through the gate, hands in his pockets. Hiei followed behind,
silent again.
Yusuke nodded to a passing priest and passed into the main area. Gravel
crunched underfoot. Yusuke looked up and around.
He'd spent a total of five minutes here before, when Genkai wanted some sort of
special paper and he'd gone to fetch it. The complex was about half the size of
Genkai's down in the foothills, but spread widely, tended neatly, with rope-
wrapped trees and a variety of small buildings.
Hiei stopped next to him, close but barely not touching him. "Why are we here?"
he growled under his breath.
"Can I help you?"
Yusuke smiled at the approaching priest, and Hiei darted behind Yusuke; Yusuke
heard Hiei's soft snarl. Yusuke laughed nervously. "A friend said there are,
uh, tanuki here," he said sheepishly.
The priest laughed and sent them further into the complex.
Hiei grabbed the side of Yusuke's shirt. "Is that why we're here?! Because you
want to see some stupid animals?!"
Yusuke's arm draped over Hiei's shoulders again, and, again, Hiei didn't
immediately shrug him off. "Listen, they're tanuki. If they're real, I really
want to see one!"
Hiei huffed. "You're an idiot. I don't see the appeal."
"Because you've never seen one!"
Hiei grumbled something, and laughing, Yusuke tugged him closer. Hiei's
shoulder connected with Yusuke's waist, but he didn't move away. They walked
like that in silence, gravel underfoot, sun filtering through the trees
overhead. Yusuke could feel the steady heat coming through his side from Hiei.
He'd never let me do this before.
Is it that he changed on his own? Would he be like this with the others? Or is
it just me?
What happened in your Territory, Hiei?
Last night, Hiei had remained sitting against the wall on his little cot,
glaring at Yusuke sitting in the chair. Hiei had snapped at him every time
Yusuke started to drift off. Eventually, Yusuke had figured out what Hiei
wanted and couldn't bring himself to say, and had sat on the bed.
Hiei had fallen asleep immediately, his hand clutching Yusuke's jeans over his
thigh.
What happened to you, Hiei?
What happened between you and me?
Hiei flinched and stopped. He turned.
"Hiei?"
A small untended path wound between two enormous trees, their trunks bound with
mossy rope and fresh paper.
"What is it?"
Hiei slunk out from under Yusuke's arm and darted away from him, down the path.
Yusuke jogged to catch up.
At the end, Hiei stood, shoulders hunched, before a tiny shrine on a pole.
Yusuke came to a stop beside him. "Hiei, what-"
The shrine was barely bigger than a birdhouse; dark moss had grown over the
damp wood of the shrine's supporting walls. A small coin collection box hung
askew lower on the pole. The shrine's sloped roof covered little more than a
small set of doors and two-
Inari.
Hiei's breathing was fast and hard.
The two little foxes on either side of the little doors had been carved of some
dark stone as aged and weathered as the shrine itself; one had been carved with
a scroll in its mouth, and the other held a crooked key in its paw. But
perfectly clean red bibs had been tied around their necks, and a red sash hung
before the little doors. Before the guardians sat an overflowing drinking cup
of sake and a small plate bearing a single fresh roll of inarizushi.
Kurama's been here.
Is this where he disappears to?
Hiei was rooted in place. His arms were locked at his sides, his hands in
fists.
"Hiei, we should go."
Hiei didn't move.
Yusuke moved to stand behind him. "You wanna talk about it?" he said softly.
Hiei shook his head quickly.
"Then let's go."
When Hiei still didn't move, Yusuke rested his hands on Hiei's shoulders.
Why are you so tense, Hiei?
Because of Kurama?
Because you're wondering why Kurama would be here, making offerings?
I mean, that's kinda obvious, isn't it?
I can't think of much else that Kurama would be praying for.
Or do you know something about this that I don't?
"C'mon, Hiei."
Hiei swallowed and took a half-step backwards, running into Yusuke's chest.
Yusuke wrapped his arms loosely around Hiei's neck. His chin rested on Hiei's
head. He laughed. "Hey, weren't you just saying that we shouldn't honor-"
He was on his back before he realized Hiei had struck him.
Hiei's eyes were wild as he stood over Yusuke, his fist clenched. He snarled
down at Yusuke.
"What the fuck, Hiei?!" Yusuke snapped. He rubbed at his jaw. "That fucking
hurt!"
"This one's different," Hiei growled.
"Alright, Hiei, shit. Just calm down," Yusuke grumbled as he got back up. He
brushed wood chips and dirt off his jeans. "I won't insult Inari. Okay?"
Hiei glanced over his shoulder at the shrine again. Then he stalked past Yusuke
back up the path towards the main complex.
Yusuke prodded his jaw, frowning at the little shrine.
Why?
Because of Kurama, obviously.
But why? What is it about Inari that upsets you like this?
Because Inari is Kurama's… whatever? Who the fuck even knows how this works.
Or is it something else?
Sighing, Yusuke dug in his pocket for a five yen coin and dropped it in the
little collection box.
 
——
 
Hiei was, surprisingly, waiting for him back by the main causeway. His arms
were crossed over his chest and he stared angrily at the ground.
Thankfully, no one had approached him.
Hands in his pockets, Yusuke strolled up to him. "Hey."
Hiei refused to look at him.
"I'm sorry about that."
Hiei's eyes flicked to him. Then he looked down again. He shook his head.
"I didn't know Inari was different."
Hiei swallowed. He shook his head again.
Yusuke sighed. He crouched in front of Hiei; Hiei glanced at him before turning
away.
"Look, there's a lot of shit I don't understand. You gotta be patient with me.
I was only born youkai a month or so ago." He grinned.
Hiei snorted.
"So I'm sorry. But if I fuck up, you can punch me again."
"As if I need your permission," Hiei muttered.
Yusuke stood. He ruffled Hiei's hair.
Hiei let him.
They walked further into the complex, Yusuke's arm back over Hiei's shoulders.
Hiei seemed to hug closer to Yusuke's side than before.
Despite the intensity of the sun overhead, the shade beneath the trees was cool
and damp. There were cicadas droning in the distance, and once or twice they
heard the dull metal clanking of bells.
He wouldn't talk about his conversation with Kurama yesterday.
I'm not surprised.
But Kurama seemed to be worse off than this one was, considering what Botan
said this morning.
Yusuke remembered waking up, sticky with sweat; the morning was humid, but it
been because of the tiny fire demon in his arms.
Of course now neither of them are gonna say a goddamn thing about it.
Is this actually going to help?
He glanced down at the little head against his side. As they walked through
dappled sunlight, the sun caught Hiei's hair, giving him a reddish halo.
This is the worst.
It's like Kuwabara said.
Hiei hating Kurama doesn't make sense.
He kept himself from sighing.
But neither one of them wants to give up on the other. They're-
"Isn't that what you're looking for?" Hiei said suddenly, pointing.
A pair of fat little raccoons rolled around in the shadows beneath a shrine,
growling and nipping at each other.
Yusuke grinned, squeezing a growling Hiei. "Look at them! They're so fat! Are
they babies?"
Hiei rolled his eyes and shoved Yusuke away.
Yusuke crouched. He squinted. "Wait, they don't have any youki."
"Congratulations, you have eyes."
"They only have… like a little reiki. I can hardly see it, it's so small."
"Because they're animals, you idiot."
"But tanuki are supposed to be magical!"
Hiei stared at him. "Are you stupid?!"
 
——
 
"So what did he do when he found out?"
Botan laughed. "Koenma-sama was so angry! He had them doing paperwork for the
next five hundred years!"
"That's a little excessive, isn't it?" Yusuke leaned back. "Five hundred years
for misplacing a book?"
"Well, it's pretty common. That's how George-san got started working for
Koenma-sama, you know. He had been working in Destinations on the other side of
the Hall, but he screwed up there so many times they sent him to Koenma-sama to
get him straightened out!" She opened her mouth and froze.
Yusuke glanced over his shoulder. A bleary-eyed Hiei stood in the doorway,
still wearing the same outfit from earlier in the day. "Yo," Yusuke said.
Hiei looked at him, then at Botan. He looked around the little room slowly,
taking in the half-eaten bags of snacks and empty drink bottles, the low
chabudai Botan was leaning over, the little muted TV in the back corner. He
blinked slowly at Yusuke.
"Can't sleep?" Yusuke said.
Hiei nodded.
"C'mon in then. Close the door behind you."
Hiei stepped in. He turned his back on them and slid the door closed. He stood
there for a moment, then turned back around, stumbling.
"Sit here." Yusuke patted the tatami next to him.
Hiei shuffled closer before limply falling to his knees, his legs tucked
beneath him. He blinked at Yusuke. He eyebrows knit together.
Yusuke reached up and ruffled Hiei's hair. He pushed Hiei's fringe away from
the open Jagan. "You wanna lay down?"
"Can I trust you?" Hiei mumbled.
"Yeah."
Hiei nodded slowly. "…lied to me."
"About the seal, right?"
Hiei nodded. His eyes were almost entirely closed now; he swayed. The Jagan
remained wide open.
"I'm sorry, Hiei. But you're safe here. I'll keep watch over you."
"Don't…" he mumbled something, "alone."
"It's okay. I won't go anywhere. Do you want to take that off?"
Hiei nodded. He tore the sweater off sideway, rending it in half.
Great. I liked that sweater.
I should have realized he'd do that.
Hiei rubbed his bare arms.
The bruises are healing.
Though the ones on his neck seem to be taking their time.
Yusuke glanced at Botan. She hadn't seen the extend of Hiei's bruising yet. Her
face was white.
Kurama came out of Higashiyama's Territory with only a scar.
And Hiei…
Hiei mumbled something unintelligible.
Yusuke turned a little, lifting his arms out of the way. Hiei crawled over to
him. He put his head on Yusuke's thigh, facing his stomach, and curled his body
around Yusuke's back; one arm wrapped beneath Yusuke's bent leg and the other
he held tight against his chest. He sniffed once, and was immediately asleep.
Botan stared, wide eyed, at Yusuke.
One minute, Yusuke mouthed, his arms still hovering above Hiei.
They waited in silence.
"C'mon, Hiei, go to sleep already," Yusuke muttered. "You're safe. I got you."
Hiei grumbled something and his body relaxed. The Jagan closed.
"There we go." Yusuke rested his arm on Hiei's shoulder; his elbow brushed
against the top of fading bruises. His fingers ruffled Hiei's silken hair.
"Um."
"Keep your voice down. He's not a light sleeper, but he'll wake up if there's
too much noise."
"Okay, but-"
"It's not a big deal," Yusuke said softly. "In his Territory, he and I grew
close, probably because of whatever was going on with him and you-know-who,
don't say his name, he will wake up immediately if you say it."
Botan nodded, her eyes still wide.
"He's… afraid, and sleeping near other people seems to make it easier for him.
That first night, he wouldn't sleep at all." Yusuke carefully reached for his
drink as Hiei slept on. "He was exhausted but he just wouldn't go to sleep
until I was actually sitting on the bed, and by then it was like four in the
morning, so I fell asleep." Yusuke drank his juice.
"I'm just… I don't know what to say," Botan whispered. "If you had told me a
week ago you'd have Hiei sleeping in your lap…"
"He said he wanted to try sleeping alone tonight, but…" Yusuke pet Hiei's hair
again. "Poor kid."
Botan frowned. "Yusuke… He's not actually a child. You know that."
"Do I?" Yusuke gave her a pointed look.
Botan shook her head. "If he wanted to sleep alone, then…?"
"I kinda knew this would happen," Yusuke said softly. "I really didn't expect
him to be able to sleep on his own. It's too soon." He gave Botan a crooked
smile. "So this afternoon, I asked Ba-san for some futons. I figured it's
easier to sleep on the floor than try to fit two in a tiny cot again." He
nodded his head towards the closet. "They're in there. When I'm tired, I'll set
them up and put him in one and I'll lay on the other," he smiled, "and I'm
guessing five minutes later, he'll be right next to me."
Botan was watching Hiei sleep. "He doesn't look so good, does he?"
We all have theories about what that Kurama did to Hiei, don't we?
The bruises are… really bad.
Yusuke shook his head. "So hey, what did Koenma say?"
"About Higashiyama?"
Hiei mumbled something, and they froze.
After a moment, he shifted to press even closer around Yusuke's hip. He eased.
"Okay, that's also on the list of what not to say." Yusuke frowned. "You were
saying?"
"There's… arguments. Some think the, uh, people who can do the things that they
can do because of the doorway that should not have existed shouldn't be brought
to trial at all because they're human and therefore incapable of controlling
the power."
"That's stupid."
"I don't disagree." Botan sighed. "There's also some people saying that their
actions should only count after they die naturally, as they're still human, and
it's outside of Reikai's jurisdiction to pass judgement on living humans."
"Again, stupid."
"Again, I don't disagree," Botan smiled. "There are some saying that because
their abilities happened because of the doorway that should not have existed
that they should be sent to Makai!"
Yusuke grinned. "That one's good. They wouldn't last five minutes."
"Yusuke!"
"And what about our sleeping guest?"
Botan looked down at her hands.
"Botan, what is it?"
"Some of the discussion was about if our guest has actually done anything
wrong."
Yusuke's youki flared. Hiei moaned and leaned away from him.
Shit!
Yusuke calmed himself as best he could. He tugged Hiei close to his hip again,
and Hiei latched onto him.
They watched him until Hiei eventually relaxed and the Jagan closed again.
"Why would they say that," Yusuke asked through his teeth.
"Because there's nothing in Reikai's laws saying that humans can't hurt
youkai." Botan was angry now. Her hands formed little fists, and she met
Yusuke's eyes with a glare of her own. "Since the only law is against youkai
killing or hurting humans, our guest hasn't done wrong at all."
"If that's what they come up with-"
"Koenma-sama's working on it, Yusuke," Botan said, her voice softening.
"Koenma-sama knows they've done a lot for Reikai. The two of them did help win
the Tournament, and take out Sen- your sempai." She winked at him. "By the way,
they're still looking for him. Or his body. Or his soul."
Yusuke snorted. "Good fucking luck." He ran his hand through Hiei's silky hair.
Botan shrugged. She fiddled with her empty juice bottle. "Anyway, Koenma-sama's
doing his best. He's not gonna let anyone forget what these two have done for
Reikai and the human realms. So let's just have faith in him for now and give
him a little more time."
Yusuke continued to pet back Hiei's hair. "But for now, nothing. And until
Reikai makes up its fucking mind, he's gotta be here?"
"You're worried about K- the other one doing something?"
"Or this one." Yusuke shook his head. "Hell, I don't know that I trust myself
much these days."
Botan sighed. "I guess we could… hide him?"
Yusuke shook his head. "The two them would be able to find him if they wanted
to, Botan. You know that."
"I'll ask Koenma-sama. Maybe there's something that can be done while Reikai
deliberates."
"Koenma owes me big time after all the fucking bullshit I've put up with from
him. And he owes Genkai for something, but I don't actually know what."
"He does?"
"Yeah, she mentioned it a month ago. Any ideas?"
"I'm not sure." Botan watched Hiei sleep, then yawned.
"Hey, Botan, if you want to stay over, there's like five futons in there. They
take up the whole room. You can put yours in the corner and he probably won't
crawl into bed with you." He laughed.
Botan frowned at him, suddenly serious. "Yusuke, you're surprisingly casual
about this."
"Am I?" Yusuke shrugged. "Whatever happened to him in there really changed
things for him."
"But that was in the Territory. The person he got closer to wasn't you."
"Wasn't it though? It was, at the very least, who Hiei thought I was. Besides,
you know how I am. I like touching the people I care about." He slowly put his
juice back on the table. "But none of that really matters, Botan."
Hiei murmured something.
Yusuke looked down at Hiei's soft sleeping face, how peaceful he seemed to be,
especially compared to how he had been during the day, with the exception of
the red mark high on his cheek. "Being closer to him is helping him. You can
see that. And he's been there for us, hasn't he? And he's one of us. We're his
family, just like he's ours." He stroked his thumb through Hiei's hair. "We
have to be there for him. It's no imposition at all."
Chapter End Notes
     :3
     I'm posting updates and other fanfic-related stuff on my_tumblr.
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Summary
     Bathtime!
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Yusuke woke up to Hiei's three eyes hovering over his face. He shrieked.
Hiei straightened and walked to the door. "Bath."
Yusuke blinked at him, his hand pressed to his chest as he tried to calm his
frantic breathing. "What the fuck, Hiei?!"
"Get up. I want to bathe."
"Okay, I'm not stopping you! Go ahead!"
Hiei snarled at him, his face flushed.
Oh.
He won't-
"Fine," Yusuke groaned. "Gimme two minutes."
Hiei scowled at the wall as Yusuke yawned and found a change of clothes in his
overnight bag. As he straightened, Hiei turned on his heel and slid the door
open.
"Hiei."
Hiei glared at him.
"This way."
"Why?"
"I have to get you clothes, you asshole," Yusuke yawned. "Since someone can't
take off a sweater like a normal person."
Hiei flinched, but he followed behind Yusuke down the darkened hall. Hiei
waited in the doorway of a dark room as inside, Yusuke fished around in the box
that Genkai had brought from god-knows-where.
I should put him in a pink shirt.
He glanced over his shoulder at Hiei, and found him snarling at him. "What's
taking so long?!"
 
——
 
Yusuke slid the bathhouse door open, yawning so deeply he shook. Hiei followed
him in silence. Stripping in a moment, Hiei dropped his clothes on the floor.
Yusuke tried not to stare.
He's got bruises on his hips.
All over his hips.
And the insides of his thighs.
Hiei sat down to pull the socks off his feet.
Really high on his thighs.
How-
Yusuke focused on undressing himself.
Nope, I… I really don't want to think about that.
Fucking Higashiyama.
Fuck!
To his right, Hiei tugged the bandage off his arm with his teeth.
He isn't covering the Jagan anymore.
I guess there's no point when he's just around us?
Yusuke hung his clothes on the peg. "C'mon, let's shower."
"No. That's stupid." Hiei started for the bath.
Yusuke grabbed his upper arm, over yellowing bruises. "You're not getting in
there as filthy as you are. Other people use that bath, you know."
Hiei snarled at him, but let Yusuke drag him towards the showers. Yusuke
pointed to the little stool, and Hiei sat, turning his back.
You're impossible.
Hiei was staring at himself in the mirror, his eyes wide. His breathing had
sped up, just a little.
"Hey, Hiei."
Hiei's head snapped up.
"So, uh, water? Shower?"
Hiei glanced at the faucets, at the shower heads. He turned one of the dials,
but nothing happened. He frowned and looked back up at Yusuke.
"That's to change the spout." He turned it back the other way. "The other one
is the water temperature and pressure. Do you need help?"
Hiei said nothing. He frowned at the faucet. Then he nodded.
"What temperature do you want it?" Yusuke said, crouching next to him. "Hot,
right?"
"No," Hiei said sharply. He looked down at his hands, gripping his knees.
"Cold. Very cold."
"That can't be healthy for a fire youkai, but you're the boss," Yusuke said as
he turned the water on, swinging the faucet all the way to the left. "There's
the soap there. Do you want shampoo?"
Hiei ignored him. He sniffed at the soap, put it back, and reached for the
shower head.
Yusuke went to the other bench and sat. He turned the water to the comfortably
warm temperature he preferred. He yawned again, stretching out his legs.
Hiei held the shower head directly over him. He shivered.
There's something there.
There's no way he actually wants it that cold.
Does that mean all the weird shit he's been doing is because of things that
happened in the Territory?
What the fuck could have happened in the shower?!
Yusuke built up lather in his hands. "So why are we bathing this early in the
morning? The sun's not even up yet."
Hiei ignored him. He had watched Yusuke adjust the shower head's holster to the
right height and angle to keep it spraying on himself, and copied him. The cold
water and the rough movements of his hands pinked his skin.
Yusuke yawned, soaping his legs. "I'm so tired I'm gonna fall asleep in the
bath. Don't let me drown."
"I won't." Hiei's voice was soft. Yusuke barely heard him over the two hissing
shower heads.
Huh.
He didn't say anything sarcastic.
Yusuke eyed him. The shower sprayed on Hiei's head, flattening his hair against
his skull, covering his face and shoulders in a black curtain. He was
shivering.
Why is he being stubborn about this?
"You okay?"
Hiei ignored him.
Yusuke finished his own ministrations and, yawning, turned off his shower.
Hiei wasn't moving. He sat under the water. Shivering.
Yusuke leaned over and turned off Hiei's shower. "Bath?"
Hiei rose, shakily. The edges of the wound on his cheek were white.
"Seriously, that water is too cold for you," Yusuke said as he stood. "You
don't need to make yourself sick."
"I don't care," Hiei rasped.
"Yeah, I know you don't, but other people do."
"Doubtful." Hiei's voice was quiet and sharp.
"I care, you idiot. And so does Kuwabara. And Botan and Ba-san. Hell, even
Keiko and Shizuru. And Yukina, even if she doesn't know… everything." Yusuke
clapped his hand on Hiei's icy neck, pushing him towards the steaming bath. He
wondered- "And Kurama."
Hiei stumbled; Yusuke grabbed his arm to keep him from falling. But Hiei's legs
gave out, and he slid limply to the wet tiles.
"Hiei? You okay?"
"I can't do this anymore," Hiei whispered. His hands pressed against his face.
"I want to die."
Yusuke crouched beside him. "After all we did to keep you alive?"
Hiei shivered. His legs rose and his thighs pressed against his chest, his feet
slipping apart in the wet.
Because of the angle and the light, Yusuke saw bruises he hadn't seen before.
The bruises weren't just on the inside of his thighs. There were others,
darker, right at the angle where his legs met his groin, and down, in various
stages and colors of healing.
Fuck.
Those are from fingers.
Hands.
And there were bruises like watercolored shadows along the cleft of his
buttocks.
Yusuke swallowed. He looked away.
Fuck, Hiei, what happened?!
His stomach was in knots.
It's kinda clear what happened, isn't it?
Fuck.
God fucking damn it, I'm gonna kill Higashiyama.
I don't care what Koenma says.
He has to fucking suffer for this.
Yusuke gently put his hands on Hiei's shoulders; when Hiei didn't freak out, he
started to rub warmth into his skin. "C'mon. Let's get you warmed up. You'll
feel better once you're warm." Yusuke waited, but Hiei remained where he was on
the floor, his face in his hands, his legs trembling before him.
"Hiei-"
"He asks me questions I can't answer."
Yusuke blinked.
If he wants to talk though…
"Like what?"
Hiei fell back into silence.
Yusuke waited.
Hiei said nothing.
Yusuke could hear Hiei grind his teeth behind his hands.
"Come on, let's get in the bath."
Hiei said nothing.
"Look, I really don't want to carry you. The floor is slippery, and you'll
probably get angry and punch me and then we'll both fall and break our necks.
So can you please just get up and get in the bath already? If not for you than
because I'm freezing."
Hiei glared at him through his spread fingers.
"Hiei-"
"Fine." Hiei stood, but he was weak. He clutched Yusuke's arm for balance.
"Bath time. Come on." Slowly Yusuke crossed the room, Hiei attached at his arm,
his hair still plastered down over his face.
"Watch the steps."
Letting go, Hiei sank into the water with a sigh and slipped to the other side
of the bath.
The water was deliciously hot, and Yusuke yawned again. "I'm seriously gonna
fall asleep."
"Don't, you idiot. If you drown, I won't save you." Hiei ducked beneath the
surface. When he rose, his head tilted back, his face was flushed and his eyes
dark. He ran his hands through his hair and wiped the water out of each of his
eyes.
The Jagan stared widely. The mark on his cheek had opened, and leaked a thin
line of pink.
"Hey, Hiei, can I ask you something?"
Hiei ignored him. He splashed water onto his face.
So if he says he doesn't want something, he doesn't want it.
But if he doesn't say no, he's okay with it?
"So you're a lot more… open with me than you used to be."
Hiei froze. The water in his cupped hands drained away.
"You used to basically ignore me and Kuwabara. But now you actually seem to
like spending time with us. Or at least not hate it. And at night-"
Hiei turned his back on Yusuke. "I can stop."
Nope, that wasn't sharp enough.
He doesn't want to.
Since when is Hiei so easy to read?
"No, I like it. I'm clingy like that, you know," Yusuke laughed. "You always
pushed me away when I came close to you before, and I can't think of a single
time you let me touch you. Did something happen in the Territory to change
that?"
Hiei's shoulders stiffened.
"It's okay if-"
"You… stopped him from killing me. Kuwabara helped."
The rest of the room disappeared. All of Yusuke's focus pinned on Hiei. Water
ran down the curve of his spine, over the shadows of mostly-healed bruises
scattered across his back, through the black curtain of his hair that brushed
along the line of bruises on his neck. He stared down at the water, at nothing.
"When you found out… what he had… was doing, you…" Hiei's shoulders tightened
further, trembling. "You… attacked him when…" He stopped.
Whoa.
"Okay," Yusuke said softly.
Hiei snorted.
"I don't know what to say, Hiei."
"Words are worthless," Hiei snarled. He glared at Yusuke over his shoulder. His
eyes were over-bright. "You defended me. When I told you that I was going to
die, you refused to accept it. You stupidly attacked him in his own home with
barely any chance of success in a strategy that was more suicide than plan. You
risked dying a truly pathetic death for no reason but to stop him from… hurting
me. Killing me." He turned away again, but his shoulders had relaxed, just a
little.
"Hiei…"
"That is how I see you, Yusuke," Hiei murmured. Louder, he continued, "The kind
of idiot who banks on luck, who will challenge those you have no chance of
winning against to protect…" Hiei stopped. He made a sound of frustration and
sank down into the water.
"Are you thinking of a friend?"
"Maybe." Hiei began splashing water on himself again, his back still turned to
Yusuke.
Yusuke took a deep breath. "Well, I hope I can live up to your expectations."
Hiei ran his hands through his hair. "You're already an idiot."
 
——
 
Kurama rounded the corner of the hall, half-heartedly reading his book. He
heard a shuffle and a voice ahead and looked up.
Hiei and Yusuke, dressed in casual, normal clothing, hair wet from the bath,
had stepped into the end of the hall; Yusuke had been saying something and Hiei
listened in silence. The mark on Hiei's cheek was mostly healed, and beneath
the too-large neck of the pink sweater he wore, Kurama could see the mottled
colors of fading bruises.
Kurama stopped, and his eyes found Hiei's.
Before he could stop it, Kurama's youki had sped towards Hiei, but Hiei's youki
had already lurched forward to meet it. White waves swallowed black fire; black
sparks turned to thunder in a white wind.
Kurama groaned; his eyes closed. He could feel Hiei under his skin, and taste
him and his scent. "Hiei," he breathed. He opened his eyes.
Hiei was frozen at the end of the hall, eyes wide, terrified, rooted where he
stood.
"Come on," Yusuke said, turning away from Kurama. He grabbed Hiei's shoulder.
"Hiei, come on. Let's go."
Kurama reeled his youki in, but Hiei's youki followed him: untethered, it
draped itself around Kurama, shifting and rolling as it sought to merge with
him.
At the other end of the hall, Hiei's shaking hands rose, his palms out towards
Kurama. His face twisted with open fear. His youki all but vanished with how
quickly he yanked it back.
He's actually afraid of me.
I had hoped…
In the silence, two hirui stones clinked on the wood floor.
"What…" Yusuke watched them roll towards the wall. He frowned at Kurama. To
Hiei behind him, he said, "Hiei, come on. This isn't the right time."
Hiei's legs gave out beneath him. He fell to the floor and scrambled backwards,
running into the wall behind. He keened between clenched teeth.
His terrified eyes remained locked on Kurama's.
He isn't seeing me.
He's seeing that other Kurama.
The one who-
Kurama could feel Hiei's youki surge. It snapped out of Hiei's control with a
near-audible crack and rushed for Kurama, and it took every ounce of Kurama's
will to keep his own youki within the confines of his body. His head began to
throb.
But Hiei's youki swarmed him, demanding, relentless. Flames arched and danced
around Kurama, and tried to merge with Kurama's youki, to slip beneath Kurama's
skin, to sweep between his clenched teeth, to dive through his nostrils, to
fuse with him.
It was increasingly difficult to not give in.
On a hunch, Kurama reached for Hiei's youki, as if it were his own. If he could
get Hiei's youki to return to his body-
The black fire bent to his will without resistence.
At the end of the hall, his hands clawing at the sides of his head, Hiei
screamed.
Horrified, Kurama released Hiei's black flames. "Hiei-"
"Hey, Kurama, maybe you should stop whatever the fuck it is that you're doing
and go," Yusuke shouted. He crouched between them, breaking Hiei's line of
sight. One hand slipped behind Hiei's neck and dragged him forward against him;
Hiei began to sob into Yusuke's chest. "Right about now, Kurama," Yusuke called
over his shoulder.
Kurama turned back the way he came.
Chapter End Notes
     Trauma is a terrible thing.
     --
     At present, I'm finishing editing this and working on the sequel
     (this was supposed to be three parts, and now it's four -___-;) so I
     should be able to update daily for the foreseeable future. Should
     that change, I'll mention it on my update_blog with news.
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Summary
     Drunken conversations.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Hiei stared at the cup in his hands. His youki, swirling black fire and
crackling electricity, surrounded him in a whirlwind.
Yusuke rubbed at his aching eyes. "Can't you tone it down a little?"
"If he could, this wouldn't be necessary." Genkai sighed; she pressed at her
temples, frowning. "Drink all of it." To Yusuke, she said, "I'll leave this to
you. Do try to not let him destroy everything I own in the next couple of
hours."
Hiei sniffed the cup and wrinkled his nose.
"Just drink it," Genkai grumbled as she walked past him. "One would think you'd
be used to the bitterness of Kurama's treatments by now."
Hiei's snarl vanished; his youki pulsed and spread over the room.
He really did get strong, didn't he?
I'm really glad Ba-san remembered to bind his arm.
That's a good half of his youki sealed away.
Hiei stared down into the cup. "Kurama made this."
"Yes. Not for you though."
Hiei watched her as she passed him.
"Yukina was here last week. She was having trouble sleeping so Kurama made that
for her."
Hiei stared into the cup. Black flames danced over his shoulders.
Genkai glared at Yusuke as she closed the door behind her. The doorframe
flashed red.
What are you thinking, Hiei?
Why can't you control your youki?
Hiei was still staring at the cup. "Why was Yukina here?"
"She comes by now and again. She hadn't been feeling well, possibly because of
the heat. Kurama gave her some medicine, including that tea."
Hiei frowned. The bindings on his arm creaked. He peered into the cup.
Why? Why does that bother you?
Does it bother you because it was Kurama?
Or because it was Yukina?
Are you afraid because two people you care about were together without you?
What're you thinking, Hiei?
"Kurama made this specifically for Yukina. To help her sleep." Hiei looked to
Yusuke for confirmation.
"Yeah."
"Without dreams?"
"Yeah, how'd you know? Are your dreams-"
Hiei drank the tea in a single draught. He coughed and wiped his mouth on the
back of his arm. He held the cup out to Yusuke. "It worked for Yukina?"
"Yeah."
Hiei watched him. In the dark of the hall, it was hard to see the color of his
eyes. "How is Yukina?" he asked, soft.
Is he angry?
"Other than the heat, she's doing fine. Kuwabara is being good to her. They
went to some amusement park a couple weeks ago and me and Keiko met up with
them for dinner afterwards." Yusuke nodded. Softer, he said, "She seems really
happy, Hiei."
Hiei crouched on the floor. His fires rose and fell around him, prodding at the
corners of the room and flinching away from the seals plastered on every
surface. His youki rolled against the ceiling, along the corners of the doors.
The seals pulsed.
What are you doing?
Hiei's voice stayed low. "Did you tell her what happened? To me and Kurama?"
Yusuke shook his head. "Didn't think we had the right."
Hiei nodded. He looked down at the floor.
Hiei's youki slammed itself against the walls. The seals flared as his youki
swept past them.
Are you looking for Kurama?
Or trying to escape?
"Thank you," Hiei murmured.
Yusuke blinked but didn't let his surprise show. "Of course. That's what
friends are for, right?"
Hiei looked away.
"Hey, so," Yusuke crouched across from him. "What happened back there? In the
hall?"
Hiei bared his teeth.
"C'mon, Hiei, how can I help if you don't talk to me?"
Hiei snarled. "You talk too much."
Yusuke grinned an angry toothy grin at him. "Yeah, well, you don't talk
enough."
They glared at each other. Hiei looked away first.
 
——
 
Hiei stared up at the ceiling, eyes wide, shirtless. He panted. His hand rose
for the fifth time in the past ten minutes, and he stared, enraptured, by his
own palm. His youki swung around him in a lazy dance.
His Jagan had closed almost an hour ago.
One second he was there, lying in the ashes of what had been a nice pink
sweater, and the next, he was crouched behind Yusuke. "Where is he?" he
growled. His youki pressed against Yusuke's back, sharp as knives.
Yusuke sighed. "You're supposed to be asleep right now. Not doing… whatever
this is."
Hiei flopped onto his side. In the glow of Hiei's undulating youki, it was easy
for Yusuke to see that Hiei's eyes were black, his pupils blown out so far they
covered the whole of his iris. "Where is he?"
"I'm not telling, and you're not getting out of here until-"
Hiei growled. "I need him."
"Yeah, for what?"
Hiei rolled onto his back. He spread his legs out. "I need him."
"You keep saying that."
"Go get him."
"Nope. Someone's gotta make sure you don't do something stupid-" Yusuke glanced
behind him; Hiei was gnawing at the bandages covering his arm. "-like that." He
shoved Hiei's head back. "Stop that." He inspected the seals he and Genkai had
slapped on the bandages, keeping the kokuryuha locked away.
That's the last thing we fucking need.
Holy shit, Ba-san would be so pissed.
"I want him." Hiei scratched at the floor with his other hand.
Yusuke glanced up from inspecting the seals to Hiei's curling hand and the
gouges in the stone. "Yeah, you keep saying."
"I'll die without him."
Yusuke didn't look up. "Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah." Hiei slumped. "I need him." He shook his head. "I don't want him."
"Okay."
Sure, Hiei.
Whatever that's supposed to mean.
Hiei looked up at him. "I need him. He's inside me."
"Oh yeah?"
"I need him, Yusuke." He scratched more ridges into the stone. "I need him!"
Back to that one, I guess.
"He's mine."
Satisfied the seals were intact, Yusuke threw Hiei's arm down. He turned,
facing the sprawled-out Hiei. "He's yours, is he?"
Hiei grinned, a hateful dark thing, setting Yusuke's teeth on edge. "Kurama
thinks I'm his."
"Is that so?"
"Yeah." Hiei's hands rose and he tightened them around his own neck. "But he's
mine."
"What's the difference?"
Hiei squeezed his own neck, and his eyes turned to slits. His feet slapped flat
on the floor, and he raised his hips. The roving light of Hiei's youki shifted,
and Yusuke saw that Hiei was very hard beneath his trousers.
Yusuke felt his face flushing.
Ah.
Uh.
Okay.
This is changing from one thing into something very different.
"Okay, I'm gonna-"
"Kurama thinks I don't know what he thinks of me," Hiei's voice was a rasp. His
hands tightened, and his eyelids fluttered; his hips rolled upwards. "But he
doesn't know what I think of him." He moaned softly.
"Stop that," Yusuke said. He tugged at Hiei's arms to no effect. "Hiei, let go
of yourself. You're going to hurt yourself. You still have bruises-"
Hiei's eyes snapped wide open; he showed Yusuke his teeth. "Kurama gave me
these."
I know, Hiei.
I wish I didn't.
I wish he hadn't.
"Yeah, I know. But you have to let them heal."
Hiei relaxed, his arms falling out by his side, his eyes half-lidded. "I don't
understand what he says." His hips shifted upwards, and his breathing grew
heavy.
Do you have to do that right now?!
Yusuke rubbed at his temple.
Great job, Kurama. Whatever the fuck that tea was, it doesn't work for shit!
"Have you tried understanding?"
"Yes, but it doesn't make sense." Hiei fell silent. His youki stilled, slowly
beginning to slip back under his skin. His hips stilled.
Fucking finally!
Yusuke smiled. "Have you asked him?"
Hiei snorted. "No."
"Don't you think you should?"
Please, all the gods in Makai and Reikai and the human realms and whoever else
is listening, please make him go to sleep.
Hiei sighed. "Yusuke."
"Yeah?"
"Do you love?"
"What do you mean?"
"The girl. We ate udon."
Udon?
"Huh?"
Hiei glared at him. "The girl. We ate udon." He paused, then spat, "She called
me Hiei-kun."
"You don't mean Keiko, do you?"
Hiei nodded, looking back up at the ceiling. "She talked to me."
"C'mon, Hiei, you know her name. Yukimura. Keiko. You knew her name since you
and Kurama stole that crap from Koenma."
"Do you love her?"
Yusuke blinked. "Keiko? Well, yeah. Of course."
"Would you die if she died?"
Yusuke sighed. "I don't know if I'd die. But I'd be really hurt at the very
least."
"Until you died?"
"Maybe."
"Why?"
"Why what, Hiei?"
Hiei frowned. His voice softened. "She will die, Yusuke. She's human. You're
not."
"Yeah. I know." Yusuke sighed.
"So why?"
"Because…" Yusuke sighed.
Seriously?!
What the fuck, Hiei, you can't just ask me that!
"Because… she gives me something to fight for. She gives me a reason to exist.
Making her happy makes me happy in a way nothing else can." Yusuke leaned back
on his elbows, smiling despite himself. "Being with her makes everything feel
right. Knowing she's there for me makes everything not so hard. And maybe I'll
die tomorrow, or something will happen to her, or we'll break up over something
stupid, but I'll always love her. Even if I'm not with her, I'll always love
her."
"But she will die."
Yusuke nodded. "Yeah, she will."
Hiei watched him, frowning.
"That doesn't really matter to me right now. I know I'm gonna be heartbroken
when she does, but for now, I get all these years with her." He grinned. "If
she lets me. I am kinda dumb, and I do fuck things up a lot."
Hiei's eyes narrowed. "You want to exist for her."
Yusuke cocked his head from side to side. "Uh, I guess you could say that."
"She would die if you died."
"Maybe."
"She loves you."
"Yeah."
"How do you know?"
"Well, for starters," Yusuke grinned, "she tells me to my face."
Hiei's eyes snapped up to Yusuke's. "You're mocking me."
"A little."
Hiei snarled and looked away.
"Why don't you tell Kurama how you feel?"
Hiei looked at his bare wrist, at the bruises, just this side of black, a poor
imitation of the dragon beneath the bindings on his other arm. "How I feel."
"How do you feel?"
Hiei blinked and sat up. "Weird. My head feels… weird. Like the last time." He
bit the soft flesh on the mound of his thumb, drawing blood from a fine
semicircle of toothmarks before Yusuke could cry out in protest. "No, this time
it hurts."
'This time'?
This happened in the Territory?!
Why?!
Yusuke snatched Hiei's bleeding hand from him and set to bandaging it, thankful
yet again for Genkai's foresight. "Hiei, how do you feel about Kurama?"
"I don't know."
"Think about it."
"I do." Hiei looked up at him. "I do all the time." He stared into Yusuke's
eyes, searching. "He's all I think about. I can't think about anything else."
"Do you think you love him?"
Hiei leaned on Yusuke's shoulder, watching as Yusuke bandaged his hand. "You
asked me that already."
In the Territory, maybe.
"Yeah, and what did you say?"
"I told you youkai don't love."
Yusuke tied the final knot, but Hiei left his upturned hand in Yusuke's lap. "I
don't think that's true, Hiei."
Hiei leaned down and shoved Yusuke's arm out of the way with his face. He put
his chin on Yusuke's thigh. "No, it isn't."
"So why did you lie to me?"
Hiei didn't reply.
"Hiei?"
"'Cuz." His words were slurred.
Finally!
"That's not an answer."
"'M not 'fraid… anything," Hiei mumbled. "…care what he does."
"You sure about that?"
"Where is he?" Hiei cried out. "'M dying." He moaned again. "Kuramaaaa!"
Still?
For fuck's sake, Hiei, go the fuck to sleep!
"You're not dying, idiot. You're just tired."
"No. Wrong. 'M dying… him."
"He's nearby. You can see him tomorrow if you want."
"K'rama lied t' me." Hiei's legs kicked out, thrashing, before he stilled
again. "…hurt me." He cringed and kicked his legs again. "Why?" He arched his
back away from Yusuke, shaking his head, smacking his forehead against the
stone.
"Enough of that." Yusuke dragged him back into his lap. Hiei let him.
"Why?! K'rama…"
The part of Yusuke's chest that used to have a human heart hurt. "I don't know,
Hiei. I'm sorry."
"…miss him."
Yusuke sighed.
This is the worst.
"You should tell him what you feel, even if you don't know entirely."
Hiei murmured something.
"Hiei?"
He didn't respond.
Sighing, Yusuke rested his arm on Hiei's shoulder, ruffling Hiei's hair beneath
his hand. "What am I gonna do with the two of you? You're just as dumb as he
is," he said softly.
"Shut up," Hiei mumbled. "K'rama's not dumb."
 
——
 
It was late afternoon by the time Yusuke sought him out.
Curled in on himself, Kurama sat on a low bench along the path before the tiny
alcoved shrine to Inari. His eyes ached from crying.
He'd been crying all morning.
"Kurama." Yusuke called. His voice was different, rising in that cadence and
tone he used to call out enemies in battle.
Kurama's hands tightened in his hair. "Go away, Yusuke."
He could feel Yusuke watching him, and heard his resigned sigh. Yusuke walked
up the path and stopped in front of Inari's little shrine. After fishing in his
pocket for a coin, he slipped it into the box. Kurama heard him the shift of
cloth as he bowed twice, then two loud claps.
'Humans are so pathetic, aren't they? Always looking for someone to come and
save-' Hiei throws his head back onto Kurama's shoulder behind him. 'Praying
to-' He groans. His hands reach up and clutch in Kurama's hair; his back
arches, changing the angle of Kurama's fingers inside him. 'Damn you, Kurama, I
can't think when you're doing that.' Kurama smiles and kisses the side of
Hiei's neck. 'Don't stop,' Hiei breathes in Kurama's ear. He bites at Kurama's
earlobe and shoves himself down roughly on Kurama's fingers; he moans. Kurama's
other hand continues to slide up and down Hiei's oiled cock. 'More.'
"Hey, Kurama." Yusuke's soft voice was right above him.
Now Hiei can't even look at me.
Kurama said nothing.
Yusuke sighed. He reached forward and put his hand on Kurama's head. "Don't be
like that," he murmured. He slipped to the side and sat down on the fallen log
that served as a bench, next to Kurama, shoulder to shoulder. "Talk to me."
'You're a monster, Kurama, in human skin. You don't deserve to live. Things
like you need to be put down. It would barely take any effort at all.'
Kurama sniffed.
It's so clear now, now that I've seen the way he looks at me.
I was right.
He'll never let me touch him again.
How can I blame him, after what Higashiyama made me do to him?
It's over.
Everything I had hoped for-
"So what happened this morning isn't a big deal," Yusuke said softly, slinging
his arm around Kurama's back. His hand squeezed Kurama's shoulder and he pulled
Kurama closer to him. "We knew it was a risk having both of you under the same
roof. It was bound to happen sooner or later."
"It's over," Kurama whispered. Tears still flowed.
"It's not." Yusuke sighed. He tugged at Kurama until he could wrap his arms
around him in a hug. "He's scared, Kurama. But he'll get better."
"He was paralyzed, Yusuke," Kurama whispered. "He couldn't even speak he was so
afraid!" He choked. "How can you say it's no big deal?"
Yusuke rested his chin on Kurama's shoulder. "Because you didn't see him
after."
Kurama straightened, tearing himself out of Yusuke's arms. "What? What
happened? Is he alright?"
"Calm down. He's fine."
"He's not fine, Yusuke!" Kurama shouted. "You know he's not! He's never going
to be alright!"
"Calm down, you're gonna scare the tanuki." Yusuke put his hand on Kurama's
shoulder. "Can I tell you or do you want to yell at me some more?"
Kurama's eyes pleaded. Finally he nodded.
"First of all, Ba-san gave him some of that dreamless tea you left here for
Yukina. He's asleep now." Yusuke's thumb rubbed circles into Kurama's shoulder
blade. "He'll probably sleep through until morning. Kuwabara's with him now."
"He's sleeping?"
"Yeah. He wants to talk tomorrow night."
"I… If he can bear being near me."
"It wasn't you being near or even seeing you that scared him. It was your
youki. He hadn't been paying attention and for him, it was as if your youki
sprang from nowhere. And his youki responded automatically." Yusuke breathed.
His voice lowered, and he looked down at his sneakers. "He, uh, thought you
were going to devour him, drown him, whatever you want to call it. Apparently
in the Territory, you devoured him… often. He never knew when you would decide
to, and sometimes it was in the middle of a conversation, or…" Yusuke sighed.
"But towards the… the end, it was multiple times a day."
Kurama swayed in his seat, and would have fallen if not for Yusuke's arm across
his shoulders.
"But that would have…"
You should have died.
That's too much.
That's torture.
But by the rules of the Territory…
My god, Hiei, I had you on death's door, unable to die.
No wonder seeing me had you so afraid.
Kurama took a shaky breath.
Hiei!
You suffered so much more than I!
He tried to hold back his tears, and failed.
What must you think of me, Hiei, to think that I could do all this to you?!
All of it?
Yusuke may not know, but it's clear to me now.
It wasn't just the youki, Hiei.
I know you.
I know your reactions, even now.
It wasn't just my youki.
It was me.
Yusuke sighed. "I'm guessing the only reason he didn't die is because the
Territory only allows for suicide."
Kurama buried his head in his arms again, sobbing. Yusuke's hand squeezed
Kurama's shoulder.
"And even now you won't let me kill Higashiyama," Kurama whispered once he
caught his breath.
"Nope. Hiei needs you alive. You're not much use to him rotting in some Reikai
prison or dead."
Kurama shook his head. "Hiei needs me to disappear."
"Shut up, Kurama," Yusuke said fondly as he rubbed Kurama's back slowly. "Hiei
needs you to show him that Higashiyama was wrong." He paused. "Look, Kurama,
maybe I shouldn't say this, but I will."
Kurama eyed him.
"You know Hiei is in love with you, right?"
Kurama's eyes narrowed. "Don't lie to me, Yusuke. I know he didn't say that."
Yusuke snorted. "In not so many words."
"Then how-"
"This is Hiei we're talking about. He can't even ask for help. He's witty and
acerbic when he's insulting you, but even when he knows what he wants or what
he's feeling, he can't say a word about it."
"Then you know you can't assume-"
Yusuke grinned. "But when he's drunk, that's a different story."
Kurama blinked at him.
Yusuke grinned wider.
"The tea. Dream-ravage," Kurama whispered. "I made it for Yukina. His nature is
different…" He winced, closing his eyes. "Oh, Hiei's going to be furious."
"Maybe tomorrow morning when he wakes up. But for now, he's asleep. Took him a
while to get there though."
"So what… what did he say?" Kurama's face was on fire.
I'm pathetic.
After everything he's been through, there's no way he thinks anything of me
except fear and hatred.
But still I hope, like the stupid sentimental fool I've become.
You were right, Hiei.
Iampathetic.
Yusuke was watching him, still smiling. "A bunch of rambling nonsense. Let's go
back to the house. I think Ba-san made inarizushi. We can eat and try to make
some sense of Hiei's babbling." Yusuke hugged him, and Kurama returned it,
feeling just a little bit lighter.
Chapter End Notes
     Blah blah let me know your thoughts blah blah check my_blog for
     updates blah
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Summary
     Sleep, and its consequences.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
"Your turn," Kuwabara grumbled. "He kept trying to crawl in my lap the whole
time I was studying. In the end, I just gave him one hand so I could study with
the other and then he wrapped himself around my arm like a monkey! At least he
doesn't bite."
Yusuke laughed. "Sounds about right. Did he eat?"
"Half a tray of cookies before he…" Kuwabara sighed. "He, uh…"
"Got all quiet? Shaky?"
Kuwabara grimaced. "Yeah."
Yusuke nodded. "It'll take time. He'll be okay."
"I hate seeing him like this. It's not right. This is the shrimp we're talking
about. Seeing him this weak…" Kuwabara looked him square in the eye. "I'm so
angry all the time, Urameshi. I feel like I gotta kill something. Someone."
Yusuke nodded, his own eyes just as hard. "Let's do some training in Makai."
"Not good enough."
Yusuke frowned. "Not you too. We can't kill Higashiyama. We can't."
"At this point," Kuwabara muttered, "I'm thinking he doesn't deserve death.
Whatever Reikai decides better be good enough."
The threat went unvoiced.
"Yeah. I agree."
They fell into silence.
Kuwabara clapped Yusuke on the shoulder. "Anyway, I gotta go. Test tomorrow."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah, you'd know if you ever bothered to go to school."
Yusuke shrugged. "School's not important right now."
"Hey, don't let Ba-san hear you talk like that."
"Don't worry about her."
"Don't let her hear you say that either."
Yusuke laughed. "Hey, thanks for watching him."
"Fuck you, Urameshi. He's my friend too. Of course I'm gonna be here."
Warmth spread through Yusuke's chest. "Say hi to everyone for me. Good luck on
your test."
Kuwabara punched him lightly on the shoulder and left, closing the door behind
him.
The room had been rearranged: the chabudai now sat folded in the corner, and
two futons had been set out in the middle of the room. One was still neatly
made, and on the other, the sheets had been wound up into a nest. Hiei lay
curled up in the middle, half-asleep, his Jagan wide.
Poor thing.
"Hey, Hiei," Yusuke said softly. "I'm back." He went to the closet.
I should just get hangers at this point.
Who knows how long I'll be here?
Ma's not home, so no point in making an appearance for her sake.
He stripped off his shirt and slipped out of his jeans, putting them on the
shelf next to his overnight bag. Yawning, he dragged his socks and underwear
off, shoving them in a smaller laundry bag. He grabbed a pair of pajama pants
and pulled them on.
"Keiko was happy to see me, even though she spent most of the time yelling at
me," Yusuke said as he closed the closet door. He stretched, yawning again.
"Her dad was asking what my plans are after school. Can you believe it? Plans!
I barely have a plan for tomorrow, let alone the next ten years of my life."
Yusuke reached up and clicked the light from dim to off. He stepped over to the
empty futon, kicking the blanket to the end. Laying down on his back, he yawned
again. "Long day, right?"
Hiei grumbled something in his sleep.
"I guess right now my only plans concern the Territory-users." Yusuke folded
his arms under his head, and Hiei darted over to him, pressing the whole of his
body against Yusuke's side with a shudder. One of Hiei's arms swept
possessively across Yusuke's chest, and his legs wrapped around Yusuke's thigh.
"Maybe I'll go to Makai at some point. Do some training. Wouldn't be so bad, if
you ask me." He paused. "Might be a good way to get rid of stress, you know? I
could bring Kuwabara with me. He could use a break."
Hiei mumbled something.
"Go to sleep. Go on, close your eyes. All of them."
Hiei growled.
"I'm really tired, Hiei. I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'll be here in the
morning, same as yesterday, same as the day before. Go to sleep." He looked
down and waited.
The Jagan closed.
Finally.
Yusuke yawned and put his arm down around Hiei; absently, his thumb rubbed at a
ridge between two of Hiei's ribs. He closed his eyes. "Goodnight, Hiei."
 
——
 
Earthquake?
Yusuke opened his eyes. The room was dark.
Hiei, still wrapped around Yusuke, was shaking, silently, his teeth clenched.
The Jagan's open again.
Damn it.
"Hey, hey, Hiei, what's…"
Hiei turned his face towards the mattress.
Yusuke rolled onto his side and opened his arms.
Hiei dove into Yusuke's arms in a curled up ball, shuddering, sucking in breath
sharply. His forehead trembled against Yusuke's collarbone.
"It's okay, you're okay," Yusuke murmured. He put his chin on the top of Hiei's
head; Hiei's soft hair tickled Yusuke's skin. "I'm here. You're safe." His
hands pulled Hiei closer, rubbing slow circles on his back. "You're safe.
You're safe."
After some time, Hiei's shivering slowed and he flipped over; his back curled
against Yusuke's front, and his legs pressed heat into the top of Yusuke's
thighs. Yusuke put his arm over Hiei's waist, and Hiei snatched it up, hugging
it against his chest. Yusuke lifted his head so he could see: Hiei's face was
young and relaxed again, the Jagan slowly closing. The tightness in his body
slackened, and his breathing eased.
He needs to sleep.
But nightmares every night.
This isn't working.
How can he get better if he can't even sleep?
We gotta figure something better out.
What should we do?
His arms pulled Hiei tight against him, and he frowned into the dark, stewing
in his frustration and worry until he heard birds begin their early morning
songs.
 
——
 
The toe of Hiei's boot wedged under a branch; he kicked it in the air. With a
glare, he incinerated it to ash.
Yusuke yawned, rubbing his neck, watching.
"Again?"
He nodded without looking away from Hiei.
Genkai sighed.
Yusuke kept his voice low, under no illusion that Hiei wouldn't be able to
overhear if he wanted. "He won't sleep through the night, Ba-san."
"Nightmares?"
"Mostly nightmares. He doesn't seem to really come fully awake, but he's not
fully asleep either."
Hiei flung another branch into the air; his sword cut it into splinters in a
flash.
"We have to do something."
Genkai made a grumble of displeasure. "I suppose we should ask the other one
for something to help him sleep."
"Is that the right thing to do though?"
He knew Genkai was watching him, but he kept his eyes on Hiei.
Hiei had stopped and stood, staring at the ground, not moving. He dropped his
sword into the gravel.
Genkai snorted. "As opposed to letting him suffer without any sleep
indefinitely?"
"No, I just… Is he resting if he's just taking something to sleep?"
Genkai watched Hiei not move. "The ideal would obviously be for him to process
what he's been through. We had all hoped talking would make it easier for them,
since both of them seem intent on maintaining contact with one another." She
growled. "But there's a distance between them that I don't understand."
"How so?"
Hiei pressed his hands to his face.
"They both know the other one is not at fault for what they experienced. They
have a strong affection for one another, to say the absolute least. But they
have't been able to fully give into one another."
"What're you-"
Hiei swayed. Yusuke started to rise, but Genkai put a hand on his shoulder.
"Think about it. The other one tells him about what he went through. This one
here listens, but cannot give the other one the absolution he needs to move
past it. The other one is left feeling only the exhaustion of having relived
something terrible, without the catharsis he had hoped this one would grant him
via assuring him it was a nightmare of the Territory, and could never happen in
reality."
"So talking isn't healing at all. It's just picking at scabs."
Genkai grunted agreement. "On top of it, this one here won't say a word about
what he's going through to anyone, least of all the other one, so he's not even
doing that. The other one hasn't heard a word from him about what he went
through."
Yusuke looked down. "I have some idea."
Genkai's voice was low and sad. "We all do. He's secretive, but some secrets
are easier to read than others."
In the gravel field, Hiei shook his head. He stumbled backwards as if dizzy,
and fell to his knees.
"Ba-san-"
"He needs to do this, Yusuke. If he wants you to help him, he has to come to
you."
Yusuke sighed. "I hate this."
"You're not the only one." Genkai shook her head. "He's too young."
"I can't even imagine what either of them are going through. What it's gotta
feel like, to… to love someone and yet have had all these experiences of them
hurting you."
In the middle of the sand garden, Hiei clenched his fists, his eyes shut. He
groaned.
"Ba-san!"
"Let him be, Yusuke. He knows you're here."
"I can't just-"
"You can, and you will. Let him be. He needs to do these things alone. He'll
come to you if he needs you."
Yusuke sighed and sat back down. "He said he wanted to leave. Go back to Makai.
But he only said it once and never mentioned it again."
"He knows he has nothing in Makai. Saying it is a comfort to him. He has a way
to escape, even if he has no intention of actually following through with it."
Yusuke tapped his foot, nervous energy. "It would be easier for them to heal if
they didn't care about each other, wouldn't it?"
Genkai snorted. "Of course it would. But if they didn't care about each other,
do you think they'd be suffering like this in the first place?"
On his knees, Hiei pressed his head into the gravel, moaning through clenched
teeth.
Chapter End Notes
     I haven't been well the past couple days, but since everything is
     edited and just awaiting final inspection, posting should remain
     daily! I'll post on my_blog if something comes up.
***** Chapter 7 *****
Chapter Summary
     Let's try this again.
Kurama drew his youki into his chest. Distantly, he felt Hiei do the same.
Hiei.
Kurama slid open the door into his side of the room, spilling light out over
the tatami. Someone, probably Yusuke, had put out a cushion and small table for
him, with a bottle of water and a package of tissues.
"Hiei," Kurama said from the doorway.
"Kurama," came the soft reply from the other side of the screen dividing the
room.
He sounds tired.
Yusuke said he hasn't been sleeping.
I'm sure what I did didn't help.
I'm so sorry, Hiei.
Sliding the door shut bathed the room in darkness. Kurama went to his seat. The
garden before them was empty and dark, and the sky dotted with clouds. There
were still crickets, but something had scared most of them into silence.
"Hiei, I'm sorry." Kurama paused, fighting back a surge of sorrow. "I'm so
sorry."
Hiei said nothing. There was only a stony and impossible silence from the other
side of the screen.
Outside, a single cricket sang.
"Hiei?"
Again, his words were met with silence.
Please, Hiei.
Please.
Grief wound its way around Kurama's human heart and squeezed.
"Please, Hiei, say something," Kurama whispered.
"What am I supposed to say?" Hiei said. His voice was hard.
Kurama's heart broke.
Hiei!
I don't want to hurt you!
Please, Hiei, tell me how to help you!
Kurama doubled over. He sobbed into his hands.
"It wasn't you."
Kurama sat up, wide-eyed. "Hiei?"
He heard Hiei take a deep breath. "My youki… expects…" He paused. "Because of…
what happened in the Territory…" He sighed. "My youki doesn't know it wasn't
you." He snarled something to himself.
"I-I'm sorry, Hiei," Kurama whispered. "I shouldn't have-"
"It's not your fault." Through the paper, Hiei's shadow turned away. "I didn't…
know you could control my youki."
Kurama closed his eyes, reeling. "We haven't talked. We were supposed to,
after-"
"After you drowned me the first time." Hiei paused. Under his breath, he
muttered, "The only time."
Hiei.
I'm so sorry.
"Yes."
"What else don't I know? What else can you do to me?" Hiei said. His voice was
heavy with exhaustion, but beneath the simple tiredness was that emptiness that
made Kurama's skin crawl.
Hiei.
I hate hearing you like this.
You didn't deserve this.
Hiei, I would give anything to help you.
Do you know that?
Can you believe me?
Kurama breathed, settling his anxiety. "There are a few things. If you'd like I
can tell you some of it now."
He felt Hiei nod.
I can feel you, Hiei.
Under my skin.
Kurama gathered his thoughts quickly. "For starters, if you need to, you can
pull my youki through yours at any time." He sat up. "You can use my youki
instead of your own, though it may be unruly for you at first. If we continued,
eventually you'd be able to use some of my essence as if it were your own.
You'd be able to control plants to a small degree. You'd be able to speak to me
through the bond-"
"You'd be able to control what I feel," Hiei growled. "What I… want."
Shock froze Kurama.
No.
Inari, no.
No. No, there's no way I devoured him that many times.
That I would have used the bond to-
That would mean he'd have thought I-
How could he think-
No, Hiei, please-
Please!
Please no!
"Is that what I did, Hiei?" Kurama couldn't breathe. "I-I forced-"
"Don't," Hiei hissed sharply. "Just don't."
"I'm sorry," Kurama whispered. "I'm so sorry, Hiei. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Hiei,
I never-"
"Answer my question."
"Not with a bond of a single devouring, no," Kurama whispered. "At most, you
may be able to get a sense of what I'm feeling, especially in cases of extreme
emotion. But it wouldn't translate into you having to feel the same way."
"You were angry. When I woke up. The next day."
Kurama swallowed. "Yes, that's a good example."
"Why?"
"Why?" Kurama repeated, confused.
"Why were you angry?"
Kurama looked down at his hands. "I don't think-"
"Kurama," Hiei warned.
"It was because I realized some of what had happened to you. Not everything,"
Kurama added hurriedly. "Some. Just that I had devoured you again. In the
Territory. That I'd devoured you to," Kurama winced, "hurt you."
Hiei remained silent, unmoving.
"Hiei-"
"I'm not going to talk about it."
"Please, Hiei-"
"No."
"But-"
"I said no!"
"Hiei, you have to-"
Hiei faced the screen; his body glowed in silhouette in black flame. "Don't you
dare tell me what to do, Kurama," he snarled. "You lost that right." He stood,
and left, slamming the sliding door behind him so hard it fell from its
casters.
 
——
 
Hiei slunk into the room, his head lowered.
"Hey, how'd it go?" Yusuke said.
Hiei said nothing. He squeezed himself down between Kuwabara and Yusuke.
Kuwabara had papers spread out over the low table, and had been writing
something; Yusuke had a book in one hand. A variety of snacks and bottles
surrounded them.
Hiei shuddered.
It wasn't him.
I just… I reacted.
I wasn't thinking.
It wasn't his fault.
Yusuke ruffled his hair. Kuwabara patted his shoulder.
He hunched down further.
I don't want this.
I don't want to hate him anymore.
I can't do this.
I want to die.
Kuwabara offered him the styrofoam tray of mochi. Hiei took a pink one with
shaking fingers. Yusuke's fingers ran through Hiei's hair. Kuwabara rubbed
Hiei's back.
After a while of sitting in silence being petted by the two of them, Hiei
relaxed, just a little. He could still taste the soft sweetness of the mochi.
He reached up and snagged another, this one white.
Yusuke seemed to take this as a sign. He draped his arm over Hiei's shoulder,
though his fingers still played with the hair on the back of Hiei's neck.
"Kuwabara's got a test in a few days. I'm helping him study. Okay?"
Hiei nodded, chewing on the mochi. The flavor was a little different from the
other. He liked this one better.
Yusuke began reading something unintelligible from the book in his hand, and
Kuwabara wrote things on his papers.
I'm sorry, Kurama.
 
——
 
Kurama looked up.
Kuwabara came along the path in his school uniform, his bag slung over his
shoulder. Morning sun turned his hair to gold.
"Before you start about me being late for school, Botan's taking me and I got
plenty of time." He paused in front of Kurama, glancing at the little Inari
shrine Kurama knelt before and had been kneeling before since the night before.
Kurama's legs were asleep. They'd been asleep for hours.
He had no idea what time it was.
"Anyway, Urameshi said I could probably find you here."
"You were looking for me?" Kurama rasped. His throat was hoarse from begging
prayers through the night.
Inari didn't answer. 
They never did.
Kuwabara nodded. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a messily folded
piece of note paper, its edges torn. He held it out to Kurama.
A little ways down the path, Botan materialized her oar. She waved timidly to
Kurama.
Kurama reached, ignoring the shooting pain in his stiff hips and back and
shoulders, and took the paper with both hands.
Kuwabara took a deep breath and nodded at Kurama, his eyes sharp with
determination, somehow encouraging. Then he turned on his heel.
As the oar rose in the sky, Kurama still held the paper aloft.
"What is this?" he whispered.
There was no one to answer.
With shaking fingers, Kurama unfolded the paper.
Inside, in small precise handwriting so familiar it made Kurama burst into
tears, its sleek letters from one of Makai's more common syllabaries, written
diagonally across the page and ignoring the neat lines of the ruled paper, Hiei
had written a single word.
'Sorry.'
Kurama doubled over, his head in the dirt before Inari, sobbing, his heart
aching with hope.
 
——
 
A dusty, bruised, grinning Yusuke showed up when the sun was high overhead.
"Alright, that's enough of that."
Kurama protested weakly, but Yusuke dragged him from his knees. He threw
Kurama's arm over his shoulder and half-led, half-carried him back down the
hill.
"You've been sitting in the dirt feeling sorry for yourself long enough,"
Yusuke said cheerfully. "And Genkai just finished kicking my ass. I think we're
due a bath, don't you?"
Kurama shook his head. "I don't think-"
"Yeah, I know you don't. That's why you're gonna let me do the thinking for
once." Yusuke flashed him another grin. "Just shut up and look pretty, Kurama."
Kurama let him take him down towards the buildings without protest.
In the genkan, Yusuke kicked off his sneakers and waited while Kurama slipped
out of his shoes, then led him, hand in hand, to the baths. Kurama wasn't sure
if the hand-holding was for his comfort or to make sure he wouldn't run away.
"Yusuke."
"Yo."
"Where is Hiei?"
"He's with Genkai." Yusuke smiled over his shoulder as they passed through the
house's seemingly unending dark hallways. "Talking. She'll keep him there until
I go and get him. So no accidents this time, okay?"
Kurama nodded meekly.
In the bathhouse, they stripped in silence, showered in silence, and got in the
bath in silence.
"So."
Kurama looked up.
Yusuke was watching him.
Kurama sunk into the water.
"Listen up." Yusuke's voice had lost much of its mirth. "He's not doing so
well. On top of that, he's generally an idiot who can't self-reflect himself
out of a paper bag. I think we can agree on that without much discussion."
Kurama looked away.
"You scared the shit out of him. It can't happen again, Kurama."
"I know," Kurama whispered. His breath created eddies in the water.
"But there's a good part to this. I promise."
"How can you say that?" Kurama shook his head. "I… I should leave. He doesn't
need me here. I-"
"Seriously, Kurama, shut the fuck up." Yusuke slipped through the water and sat
on one of the underwater benches next to him. "Your little stunt in the hall
and when he talked to you last night made Hiei realize something, and while he
wasn't able to explain much of it to me before I handed him off to Genkai, I
know he's making progress." He jerked his head to the side. "That's why he's
off talking to Genkai."
"He… realized something?"
"Yeah. I'd say so."
"Do… do you know what it is?" Kurama murmured.
Yusuke watched him.
"Yusuke, please. We're… we're all focused on Hiei, on what he needs, as we
should be. He needs everyone's support. But I'm," tears slipped down Kurama's
cheeks into the water, "falling apart."
Yusuke squeezed Kurama's shoulder. "He's your partner, Kurama. This has to be
killing you."
You have no idea.
"Yusuke, just tell me if I have any reason to stay hopeful," Kurama whispered.
His knees rose and he wrapped his arms around himself. "I need to know if I
should plan to go to the Makai to s-sever the devouring. For his sake."
Yusuke's hand froze. "That's a thing?"
"It's not usually, but there's a way it can be done."
"Huh. Good to know."
"Please, Yusuke."
"It's not bad, Kurama, I already said that." Yusuke's hand resumed gently
squeezing and rubbing Kurama's shoulder. "I'm just trying to figure out how to
tell you without breaking Hiei's trust."
"I don't want that either. He needs to be able to trust you."
"Yeah, I know," Yusuke nodded. "Gimme a minute."
Kurama breathed in the misty vapors hanging over the top of the bathwater.
He'd never met Shigure himself, but the osteopath was supposedly able to cut
anything, for a price. Kurama wondered how Shigure's prior experience with Hiei
would influence the possibility of Shigure accepting Kurama's request. Kurama
knew he could be extremely convincing if necessary. And there were many ways to
get what one wanted, if one had enough motivation.
Besides, if he couldn't find a way to free Hiei from him, there was always the
more straightforward method.
Two thousand years or so was a damn good run for a youko anyway.
At least their devouring had only happened in one direction. If Hiei had
devoured him, it would needlessly complicate things.
Of course, he'd need to make arrangements for Shiori first. It shouldn't take
much. Newly remarried, she was happier than he'd ever seen her. Kurama wasn't
even sure what more he could do for her.
Yusuke's deep breath drew him from his thoughts.
"Hiei has… difficulty remembering you aren't the same Kurama as in the
Territory," Yusuke said softly. He lay his head back on the ledge of the bath.
He stared up at the ceiling. "When he hears you, he can't always remember that
it's not… that other Kurama. And then he just reacts."
Kurama nodded. He knew as much.
Yusuke sighed. "Hiei's impulsive, Kurama. We've known that. Remember Kaito's
Territory? Hiei doesn't do well with things that aren't straightforward,
despite the fact that he has a fucking evil eye embedded in his dumb head so he
can see through illusions and shit."
Kurama's hands worried over a small lock of his own hair floating beneath the
surface of the water.
"So he hears your voice, and it puts him in this place where he's panicking and
trying to keep in mind that you're real and that the other Kurama wasn't.
Which, while we're talking about it, he's not dealing with any of the shit he
went through in the Territory at all. He's just… locking it away." Yusuke
snorted. "Okay, this is me talking, not him, but he's freaked the fuck out and
terrified. Hiei won't admit that, but that's what it is."
Kurama sunk lower in the water.
"Kurama, none of this is your fault."
"You keep saying that like it means something," Kurama growled.
Yusuke smiled. He squeezed the back of Kurama's neck. "It does. Hiei knows it's
not you. But he can't always remember. Like in the hall."
Kurama's eyes closed.
"Like yesterday." Yusuke took a deep breath. "He's talking to Genkai to try to
figure out how to separate these two Kuramas in his head. The one that he knows
and loves, and the one that hurt him. Any maybe once he figures that out, he
can actually start to process all the shit he went through for the past month
and how it both did and didn't happen."
Kurama looked up at him, eyes wet and pleading.
Yusuke's eyes softened. "C'mon, Kurama. He loves you. That's the only reason
why this is hard for him." He rubbed Kurama's neck. "He's in love with you and
he's fucking terrified of you, and because this is Hiei we're talking about, he
has no idea how to deal with either of those feelings."
***** Chapter 8 *****
Chapter Summary
     Poor Kurama.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Kurama's hands were shaking.
There was still time for him to leave, before Hiei came.
He could feel Hiei now.
When he had touched Hiei's youki-
Does he realize that was, in a way, another devouring?
Kurama hugged his arms around himself.
He felt Hiei move from deeper within Genkai's compound, assumably from the room
he'd been sharing with Yusuke-
Yusuke is taking care of him.
Because I can't.
Jealousy soured in his mouth.
-and head towards the outer buildings.
Towards Kurama.
He could still make it, if he ran.
He forced himself to still.
Hiei's youki rolled and pulsed, unsettled, but calmer than it had been before.
Is this because he talked to Genkai?
Kurama refused to acknowledge the rising feeling of powerlessness. While he was
causing Hiei nothing but pain, everyone else was closing ranks on Hiei-
My Hiei.
-and protecting him.
From me.
The sliding door on the other side of the hall opened.
"Kurama."
He doesn't sound as tired.
He doesn't sound angry.
He's not happy, but he's not angry.
He sounds okay.
Maybe…
Kurama closed his eyes. "Hiei," he said evenly.
Hiei slid the door shut softly behind him and, on silent feet, crossed the
room.
If Kurama hadn't been able to feel the fires tight beneath Hiei's skin, he
wouldn't have been able to know Hiei had moved, sensitive fox ears or not.
"Yusuke's an idiot."
Kurama blinked. He hadn't been expecting that as the opening of their
conversation. "Oh?"
"He gave me the tea you made for Yukina."
"Yes, he mentioned as much."
Hiei made a sound of disgust. "He hasn't bothered to learn anything about us.
Even though he's youkai now, he still doesn't know the most basic facts of how
our biology works! We're not all the same!"
Kurama found himself smiling. This, at least, was familiar. "You mean the
dream-ravage."
"Of course I mean the dream-ravage! It's only for women! And I'm not fully ice!
I bet he didn't even ask you before deciding I could take it."
Kurama heard Hiei shift. "No, of course not."
"He doesn't even know he should ask. Yusuke's always been an idiot, but I would
have expected the hag to know at least a little better than that."
They fell into an easy silence. The wind chime over the porch tinkled on a
breeze.
Kurama watched Hiei's youki peacefully simmer.
Maybe…
Maybe things can be okay.
Maybe.
Kurama blinked back tears.
Please, Hiei.
Please don't give up on me.
Hiei took a deep breath. His youki tightened.
He's preparing himself.
Hiei turned to face the screen. "Kurama."
Kurama's heart leapt to his throat. "Yes?"
Hiei was keeping his breathing deep and even, forcibly. "Where were you, after
we got back from the Makai?"
Kurama turned. He could dimly see Hiei's dark outline through the paper;
beneath the shadow he saw the tension in his youki. "That night before we met
Kaito we talked about this. I was catching up on schoolwork." He could feel
Hiei staring at him. "Hiei?"
Hiei's voice was low, emotionless. "In my Territory, Yusuke told me you lied.
You went on a mission from Koenma. Alone."
Kurama frowned. "I didn't. I was in school. I had final exams so I needed to
study, and I had quite a few assignments built up from my various absences that
I needed to get through first."
The wind chime danced.
Hiei was very, very still.
"Hiei?"
Barely more than a whisper, Hiei asked, "If I told you I didn't know I could
believe you, would you be angry?"
Are you afraid of angering me, Hiei?
"Not angry, no. I'd understand." Kurama looked down at his palm, at the scar
slashed across it. "After everything Higashiyama put the two of us through, it
wouldn't be right to get angry."
Hiei said nothing for a long time.
What did you and Genkai talk about, Hiei?
What did you decide?
Hiei breathed. His voice low, he said, "Would you have?"
"Would I have what?"
"Would you have gone alone on a mission from Koenma?"
Why would it bother you if I had?
If I would?
What does that mean to you, Hiei?
Kurama looked towards the garden, thinking.
Alone, meaning without you.
Meaning I don't need you?
Are you afraid of being left behind?
Of being weaker than me?
Of me not needing you?
Hiei was watching him through the screen, patient.
He's always been better with silence than I.
Honesty is best.
"I'd like to be able to say that I wouldn't. But after the Tournament, I
couldn't talk to you. And then Sensui came, and then my mother got married, and
everything seemed to be slipping out of my hands." Kurama lowered his head. "If
Koenma had come to me, there is a very good chance that I may have done
something reckless, if only to prove to myself that I could."
Hiei nodded.
Is that what you expected me to say, Hiei?
Is that why I went alone in your Territory?
"Genkai said I need to separate you from the K-Kurama in my Territory," Hiei
said softly. "The…" He paused.
Kurama could feel Hiei's youki whip around him.
"The Ku-Kurama in my T-Territory went alone. It… You." Hiei growled at himself.
"He was hurt. Badly hurt."
Kurama nodded.
"There were scars." Hiei swallowed. His youki calmed. "I want to see."
Kurama stared at the dim shadow on the screen. Hiei's youki was unsettlingly
still. "What do you want to see?"
"You-" Hiei shook his head, snarling. "He was hurt. He had… scars."
Kurama frowned. "What do you want from me, Hiei?" Kurama asked softly.
I will give you anything you ask of me, Hiei.
"He said so much to me that I barely… I don't know what's true." Kurama could
hear Hiei's rough swallow. "I… don't know what's real, Kurama," he whispered.
"I can't tell anymore."
Kurama ached to touch him.
"I want to see."
Kurama rubbed at his palm; the scar itched. "If you see proof that I haven't
lied to you, will you begin to trust me? Will it help you believe I am not that
Kurama from your Territory?"
Hiei was quiet.
A passing wind made the watergrass in the little pond shiver.
"Y-yes. Yes."
Kurama listened to the thunder of his own heartbeat and his struggle to keep
his breathing even. "What would you have me do?" he asked, voice lower than
he'd intended.
"I want to see your back."
Kurama undid the buttons down the front of his shirt, then the cuffs. He
untucked his shirt and slid it from his shoulders. "Okay."
"Turn away from me."
Kurama shifted on his cushion. "Hiei, there is one scar I have that you should
see."
"Genkai said. Your hand."
I should thank her at some point.
She does seem to be helping him.
Helping us.
"Yes." Kurama placed his hand, palm up, on the floor behind him; the position
was awkward, but he could hold it for as long as Hiei needed him to. "I will
have this, whereas that Kurama would not."
"Yes," Hiei whispered.
"I'm ready."
He heard a clink of metal.
His sword?
He's actually got his sword with him.
Kurama's heart hurt.
Oh, Hiei.
I'm so sorry.
You really are afraid of me.
Hiei's voice was low. "If you turn around, I will kill you."
"Understood."
"I will, Kurama." Hiei's breathing had begun to race; his youki flared before
he smothered it back down beneath his skin. "I mean it."
"I know you do. I won't move, Hiei."
I won't betray you, Hiei.
Never.
I will earn your trust again.
He heard Hiei take a single deep breath.
Kurama closed his eyes.
The screen behind him slid on its track.
He could feel Hiei crawl closer, the heat radiating off of him even from the
distance between them.
Hiei.
Fingertips ghosted over the ribs of his left side. Kurama held back the soft
sigh that rose in his throat, but the shiver was unsupressable. Hiei's fingers
paused, then his palm joined them. Kurama could feel Hiei's breath, hot and
rapid, against his skin. His hands pressed fire into Kurama's body, lightly at
first, then stronger, along the smooth skin over Kurama's ribs, down to his
waist.
Hiei!
Kurama focused all of himself on keeping his youki restrained and on keeping
his body still.
Please, Hiei.
I'll never hurt you.
You have to believe me.
I love you.
Please, Hiei. Please.
Hiei's hand dragged warmth along Kurama's spine, and to the center of his back,
leaving a trail of sensation in its wake. Kurama felt Hiei's fingertips press
in that area, softly, searching, finding nothing.
He felt a familiar thick warmth draw towards his core.
Hiei.
Hiei's fingers disappeared from Kurama's back.
One hand slipped under Kurama's hand. The bandages on his other hand brushed
against Kurama's thumb as he traced the scar across Kurama's hand, starting at
the base of his index finger and slicing a line to the lowest part of the heel
of his palm.
I want to touch you so badly, Hiei.
Kurama could feel his blood rushing. His cock, not quite hard, was already
aching.
Hiei.
Only you do this to me.
Please, Hiei, please.
Kurama didn't know what he was begging for.
Hiei's fingertips moved sideways across the scar, feeling how the smooth edges
turned to the texture of unmarred flesh, then back down.
Please, Hiei…
Just as quick as it began, it was over. Hiei's heat vanished from behind him,
and the screen smacked back into place.
Kurama heard Hiei take a shaky deep breath.
"May I turn?"
"Yes," Hiei growled.
Kurama pulled his shirt back on before turning back towards the garden. His
hand tingled with the memory of Hiei's fingers. He buttoned up his shirt
slowly. "Do you want to talk tonight, or shall I continue?"
"Wait," Hiei growled.
What are you feeling, Hiei?
How was it for you to touch me?
I want you to touch me again.
I want you to touch me and not be afraid.
And I want to touch you.
I miss you so much, Hiei.
Kurama looked out on the garden. It was obviously untended: the plants had gone
a bit wild, clinging to the low lanterns and spilling onto the porches
surrounding it. He could smell the wet earthiness of the pond, and hear the
soft shiver of the watergrass.
Hiei.
He listened to Hiei's shaky breathing begin to calm.
"Hiei?"
"You can talk."
Kurama nodded.
"Should I continue where we left off?"
Hiei grunted assent.
Kurama swallowed. He took a breath. "I stopped last time on the morning after
you'd killed the Territory-user. You said several unkind things to me, then
left. I couldn't bear going to school after that, so I called and said I was
sick. I decided to go to Genkai's again."
Hiei's breathing calmed.
Kurama sighed.
I wonder how you'll react to this.
Remember, Hiei.
It didn't happen. It was created by my fears.
"I went to Genkai's, and everything was in disarray. There had been an attack,
and Genkai was injured. She said…" Kurama clenched his eyes shut. "She said
Yukina was there, and that she had been hurt."
The stillness on the other side of the screen distressed him far more than any
sound Hiei could have made.
Oh, Hiei.
I'm so sorry.
"I left Genkai and went to find Yukina. While she had been hurt, it wasn't a
very bad wound. I started to bandage her, but then you arrived." He paused.
"You were furious, and you attacked me."
He could practically see Hiei's frown. His youki reared. "Why would I attack
you?"
Kurama looked down at his open hand, at the scar across his palm. "You had been
telling me, for several days by then, how…"
'It was a coward's choice! You should have died as Youko instead of living this
pathetic half-life!'
"…weak I was."
"That doesn't explain why I attacked you."
"You were angry," Kurama said simply. He rubbed at his palm. "I think when
Yukina got hurt, you chose to take that anger out on me."
"Why?"
He could feel Hiei's eyes on him.
"Kurama. Tell me why."
Kurama shook his head. "I don't know for certain, but I believe you attacked me
because you knew I would let you."
Hiei snarled.
I would let you kill me, Hiei.
I've told you that much.
Or do you not realize what the devouring was?
You can drain me at any time.
My life is in your hands.
"Your hand," Hiei said softly. "That scar."
"Yes."
"How?"
"I had my back to you as I was wrapping Yukina's shoulder. I was crouched down
next to her. I never would have thought you would attack me, so of course I
left myself open to you." Kurama paused, remembering. "You swung your katana at
me, as if to cut me down." He closed his hand around his palm. "The only way I
could defend myself in time was to catch the swing."
Hiei growled. "I could have taken your hand off."
"Come now, Hiei, I'm a bit tougher than that," Kurama chided gently. "I didn't
have time to summon a plant or put up a better defense, but I was able to put
all of my youki into the catch. And honestly, the only reason it scarred was
because I didn't tend to it properly."
Genkai had lectured me about treating it, but what was the point? If you hurt
me, then I deserved the hurt.
I still feel that way, don't I?
If this scar is the only thing I leave the Territory with, then I suffered
nothing compared to you, Hiei.
Let this scar be a reminder of that.
Of how I failed you.
Kurama swallowed down the lump in his throat. "I was able to throw you off, and
you just…"
Hiei bares his teeth, his chest heaving. 'And here I thought I knew what was
hiding under that human skin. Turns out you're just as weak as they are! You're
weaker than any old fox has any reason to be!' Hiei raises the bloodied blade
and points it at Kurama with a hateful grin. Kurama hears Yukina's gasp from
behind him; she shifts to hide behind him. 'What are you going to do, Shuichi?'
Hiei's eyes are dark. 'You can barely defend yourself!'
"Kurama?"
'Remind me to never expect you to have my back again. Not that you'd even be
able to keep up at this point.' Hiei spits on the floor. 'Your promises mean
nothing,' he sneers. 'Nothing!'
"Yukina was right there, watching, but you were so angry with me. You started
yelling that I shouldn't call myself youkai because I despite all my youki, I
was incapable of using it for the right things."
On the other side of the screen, Hiei sighed.
Kurama didn't know what it meant. "Should I stop?"
"No."
"You left then, and I helped Genkai and Yukina clean up as best I could. That
night though…"
"Kurama."
"What is it?"
Hiei paused.
Kurama listened to the breeze through the garden plants. He was growing tired.
Hiei made a sound of displeasure. "Go on."
Kurama waited a moment, but Hiei had fallen into silence again. "This was the
night after which I could no longer believe that everything was fine. I had to
acknowledge that something was wrong. I considered that you might be under the
influence of another Territory-user, or worse."
"Because of what happened?"
Kurama nodded. "You came to me that night, again, through the window."
Hiei's hands are claws on Kurama's bare chest, pressing him down into the bed
with all his strength. His face, blank and open with pleasure, turns towards
the ceiling; his eyes are softly closed but the Jagan is open wide. Kurama's
hands, one sloppily bandaged, grip Hiei's hips, guiding him back down on
Kurama's cock, and Hiei moans; his nails leave gouges on Kurama's chest.
'More,' Hiei whispers. 'Greedy,' Kurama growls, and Hiei smiles down at him,
fire and hate. 'More.'
Kurama shifted; all his attention centered on the press of cloth against the
heat in his groin. He ached, but he kept his voice even, calm. "You wanted too
much from me."
Hiei tugs the bandage away and inspects the wound. His tongue laps at it, and
Kurama groans. 'I've marked you, old fox,' Hiei says, his voice thick with
pleasure. 'Ah, I think…' He twists on Kurama's lap and presses himself back
against Kurama's chest, spearing himself all the deeper, sighing as
Kurama pulls his hips down. 'More.' Hiei licks at the blood as Kurama takes
Hiei's cock in hand. 'More.'
Kurama takes a deep breath. "Then…"
Above him, Hiei rocks himself on Kurama's hips. Kurama's hands are soft on
Hiei's trembling thighs, and the way the pressure of Hiei's movements shifts on
Kurama's buried cock makes Kurama moan softly. When he opens his eyes, Hiei is
peering down at him, slowly stroking himself, hips still moving. There's a
flush over his cheeks, but his eyes are furious. 'Devourer,' Hiei snarls. His
eyes punch hatred into Kurama's very soul. 'I never would have let you devour
me if I'd have known how worthless you are at everything but fucking.'
"Then what?"
Hiei groans, his legs shaking, and Kurama slides into him, slowly. 'More,' he
whispers, and as Kurama presses his chest against Hiei's back, Kurama bites his
shoulder, hard enough to draw blood. Hiei laughs, and bends further over the
desk, shoving the accoutrements of Kurama's human life to scatter on the floor.
Kurama pulls back, and thrusts into him again, and Hiei laughs, his eyes closed
with delight. 'More.'
"You started telling me how pathetic I was."
'Have you ever really looked at yourself, Kurama?' Hiei pulls his shirt on over
his head. 'What does a thousands-year old fox want with a little kouridan like
me? You could be off fucking the kings of Makai, or for that matter, ruling the
Makai yourself, but instead you're actually satisfied with fucking me on your
little human bed, in your little human house.' As he adjusts the fall of his
cloak over his shoulders, he looks back, smiling. 'I had no idea how pathetic
you truly are.'
"You said I was monstrous."
'Of course you're not fucking me for something like that 'affection' you're
always going on about.' Hiei turns, his glare meeting Kurama's confusion. 'Even
if you've forgotten what it means to be youkai, I haven't. And I remember your
titles, Devourer.' His grin is gone, and there is hate in his eyes. He grabs
Kurama's hand and squeezes the wound; Kurama cries out, more in surprise than
pain. Blood seeps through the bandage. 'I despise you,' Hiei whispers. He lifts
his bloodied thumb to his mouth and licks away the blood.
Kurama's voice fell to a whisper. "That because I am so much older than you,
that it was stupid for you to think I cared for you. That obviously I was only
interested in your youki and your body. That when I devoured you, it was only a
show of strength. That I devoured you only because I wanted to overpower you-"
Chapter End Notes
     As always, updates are posted on my_blog. I'll probably be posting a
     hanahiki fic sometime this week.
***** Chapter 9 *****
Chapter Summary
     Communication problems and attempted solutions.
     --
     Nonconsent in this chapter.
Botan smacked her cards down on the table. "Ha!"
Kuwabara groaned and threw his hand down, and Yusuke followed shortly behind.
"Y'know, it's really unfair how well she's taken to this," Yusuke grumbled.
Kuwabara swept the cards into a pile. "Maybe she's cheating."
"She's definitely cheating."
Botan stuck out her tongue. "You're just-"
The door slid open.
Hiei leaned in the doorway, his head bowed, his face obscured by his sweat-
heavy hair.
"Hey, Hiei," Yusuke said. "Is everything-"
Hiei slid down the door jamb to his knees.
"Hiei!"
Yusuke jumped up and crossed the room in a second. He crouched before Hiei.
"Hiei, are you alright?"
Hiei's head, still lowered, moved just slightly. He was panting, raggedly, so
quickly Yusuke didn't know how he was still conscious.
No?
"Hiei? What do you need?" Yusuke said quietly. "What's happened?"
Hiei sagged forward, barely catching himself on his hands. His arms shook.
A few hirui stones skittered across the tatami.
Ignoring them, Yusuke glanced behind him. "Kuwabara!"
"I'm on it." Kuwabara ran through the other door.
Botan crouched next to Yusuke, before Hiei as he hyperventilated. "Where's he
going?!"
"He's gonna check on," Yusuke said softly, before mouthing, 'Kurama.'
Without waiting for her reply, Yusuke leaned down. "Hiei, I want to bring you
inside. Can you walk?"
Hiei could barely hold himself up.
I don't know if he's even hearing me.
"Okay, I'm gonna just help you up now, okay?" He stood and slowly, carefully,
put his hands under Hiei's arms and lifted him. As he did, Hiei's shivering
stopped.
He's just dead weight.
"Hiei?" Botan whispered. She looked up at Yusuke. "He's unconscious."
 
——
 
Kurama lay behind him, holding him with a lover's closeness. He murmured honey-
sweet words in Hiei's ear, and Hiei shivered.
I want to die.
His whole body hurt. He hurt in places he had not known a body could hurt.
Let me die.
Kurama's hands slipped beneath Hiei's neck. He pulled Hiei closer. His other
hand ran down Hiei's side, along his ribs, down along the thinness of his
waist, to the jut of hipbone. He squeezed, possessively, strong enough to make
new bruises over the old.
"Hiei," Kurama whispered. He shifted, and Hiei could feel his hardness press
against his back.
Despair welled in Hiei's chest.
I don't want this.
Kurama's hips rolled again, and his sharp breath warmed Hiei's neck. "I need
you, Hiei," Kurama whispered.
Hiei didn't move.
With one hand, Kurama gently pulled Hiei onto his back. "How beautiful you
are." He leaned down and kissed Hiei's throat; the bruises there throbbed.
Hiei stared up at the dark ceiling. He said nothing. There was nothing to say.
"Oh, Hiei," Kurama whispered. He knelt between Hiei's legs. One hand stroked
Hiei's hip, and the other cupped Hiei's cheek.
I can't do this anymore.
Hiei was exhausted. Sleep, when it came, was thin, and Kurama would wake him
constantly.
I think this is the third time since he decided we were going to go to sleep
tonight.
Hiei closed his eyes.
Just kill me already, Kurama.
He heard Kurama slicking oil over himself. Hiei's stomach tightened with dread.
Let me die.
Please.
Kurama's hands wrapped around Hiei's smaller hips, lifting him easily. The head
of his cock pressed against Hiei's heat, and Kurama moaned, soft and joyous.
His head fell forward, and his hair brushed Hiei's chest.
Hiei stared up at the ceiling, willing his mind to focus on anything else,
anything other than the mounting pain and pressure.
It was, as always, agony, when Kurama finally pushed inside him. Kurama had
apparently decided that preparing Hiei for the trauma was no longer worth the
time. but then again, he hadn't bothered cleaning Hiei up after the last time
either. Hiei ached, groaning without thought. His whole body felt damaged,
violated, breaking-
'Because I’m the only one that can handle something broken like you.'
You've broken me.
It had just been hours before, Hiei realized as Kurama moaned, his cock finally
pressed to the hilt, that Kurama had first invaded him like this. Kurama's
forehead dropped to Hiei's shoulder.
"I love you," Kurama whispered. He kissed Hiei's shoulder gently.
Hiei stared at the ceiling.
"Lift your legs."
Hiei did.
Kill me, Kurama.
Please, Kurama.
Please just kill me already.
I can't do this anymore.
As Kurama began to move, his hands left Hiei's hips and traced lines of
sensation up Hiei's chest. His hands latched, one then the other, around Hiei's
throat. His thrusting into Hiei made his hands tighten, and Hiei trembled.
White youki fluttered around him; Hiei's youki was being washed away, and he
tried to speak, to beg him to stop, but no sound came out. His hands scrabbled
at Kurama's, weakly, more an automatic response than his own will. As the now-
familiar sensation of dizziness washed over Hiei's vision, he smiled.
It feels different.
Is this finally death?
Finally?
Kurama smiled down at him. "I love you, Hiei."
If you love me, let me die.
Kurama's hands tightened as his smile softened-
 
——
 
Hiei sat up, suddenly, gasping for breath.
Laying on the futon next to him, one arm loose around Hiei's waist, Yusuke
looked up. "Hiei? You alright?"
Hiei touched his throat. He could feel Kurama's thumbs pressing up against his
jaw-
"Hiei," Yusuke said, closer now.
It was too much.
I can't do this!
He curled in on himself with a cry.
Why? What was the point of all this?
I can't look at him! I can't think about him!
I can't even sleep to escape him!
Hiei growled, his hands clutching at his head. "I can't," he choked. "I can't,
I can't, I can't…"
Yusuke slid next to him, his arms going around Hiei's shoulders. "Hey, you're
okay now. It was just a dream. You're safe now."
It wasn't a dream!
It was a memory!
He's inside me!
I'll never be free of him!
Hiei pressed his face into his hands, and his rasped growls became open cries.
His whole body shaking, Hiei began to sob. "I can't, I can't!"
I can't take this anymore!
I want it to end!
Just let me die!
Nothing was right. He felt his youki twist around him, and the mass of panic in
his chest tightened his breath and made his head spin. He couldn't breathe. He
fell forward onto the floor, his arms wrapped tight around himself. Hirui
stones rolled off the edges of the futon.
He could feel Kurama shift his weight, pushing, crushing him down-
He screamed, covering his face with his hands.
No!
Stop!
I don't want this!
Let me die!
"You're safe, Hiei," Yusuke whispered, so far away. His hand rubbed circles on
Hiei's back. "You're safe. It's over. It's over."
 
——
 
Yusuke took a deep breath.
It's not Kurama's fault.
It wasn't this Kurama.
It was that thing wearing Kurama's face in Higashiyama's Territory.
I can't get angry at this Kurama.
It's not his fault.
He's hurting too.
He exhaled sharply. "Okay," he muttered to himself.
I got this.
He slid the door aside.
In the light from the open doorway, Yusuke could see Kurama sitting on the
little cushion, his back curled, his hands wrapped around himself.
"Kurama?"
Kurama looked up. His face was a mess of tears and redness. He swiped at his
eyes with his sleeve. "Yusuke?"
"Hey."
"Is he…"
"He's… He needs to sleep."
Kurama nodded, wide eyed.
"Do you have something you can give him? He's…" Yusuke looked down. "He's… He,
um, he can't sleep."
"Uh… Yes! I… I have…" Kurama's shaking hands went to the back of his neck, and
his fingers darted up through his hair along his scalp. His eyes moved from
side to side as if reading as his fingers moved from one part of his scalp to
another. He inhaled sharply. Drawing one hand down, he held a small sprig that
grew as he held it out for Yusuke. "This."
Yusuke entered the room and took it from him. The pair of connected leaves were
small, dark green with veins of vivid glossy white. It continued to grow,
sprouting more leaves, as Yusuke held it up. "What do I do with it?"
"End-of-breath. Be careful not to get the sap on your hands as the potency is
there. Have him chew a leaf or two. He'll know the right dosage. It… works very
quickly." Kurama's eyes swelled with tears, and he looked away. "It will let
him sleep, without dreams, better than the dream-ravage."
Yusuke looked down at the sprig.
"He knows what it is," Kurama whispered. "He'll sleep for half a day if he gets
the dosage right."
"Thanks, Kurama."
Kurama nodded absently, already back to his own thoughts.
 
——
 
"Hiei?"
Hiei shivered.
I don't know if he's even hearing me.
Yusuke nodded to Botan. He held two of the leaves out on his palm. "Do you know
what this is?"
Hiei's eyes left the floor and stared at Yusuke's hand. "Breath's-end. Makai,"
he murmured.
What the hell kind of name is that?!
Is this really only for sleep?!
"Uh, do you know what it does?"
Hiei's eyes darted up and met Yusuke's. "Sleep."
"Will you take it?"
Shivering, Hiei reached and took both leaves. He stared at them, and looked up
at Yusuke again. His eyes were red from crying. "It's fast," he whispered.
"Do you want to lay down first?"
Hiei crawled over to the futon and sat in the middle; Botan lifted the blanket
and covered his legs with it. He looked up at Yusuke and put the leaves on his
tongue.
"I'll be here when you wake up, okay?"
Hiei nodded. He bit down. A half-second later, his eyes rolled up and he
collapsed.
They stared at him in horror.
"Is-is he…?"
Yusuke leaned over him. Hiei's face was flushed, but his chest rose and fell in
an easy slow rhythm. "He's asleep."
Botan shook her head. "The Makai is a terrifying place."
 
——
 
"We were just talking," Kurama said softly. He sat on the edge of the patio,
his bare feet on the stone steps.
"I'm not saying I don't believe you, but something must have happened."
Kurama looked up at the sky; the horizon was already blushing pink with
morning. "Each time we've met, Hiei barely says anything. He listens to me talk
about what I went through in my Territory, and while he will ask questions here
and there, he hasn't talked about what he experienced much."
Yusuke sat down next to him with a sigh. Kuwabara sat on Kurama's other side,
yawning. "Okay, but-"
"However, even though he hasn't spoken, I've learned quite a bit," Kurama
murmured.
"What do you mean?"
Kurama rubbed his own arms. "Hiei doesn't like to talk, but he has no problem
expressing himself." Kurama sighed. "A gesture, a sound, even the way he moves
unconsciously all show what he's feeling. So the entire time I've been talking,
despite the fact that I can't really see him, he's been responding more clearly
and honestly than if he had been the one speaking."
Yusuke glanced at Kuwabara over Kurama's shoulder. Kuwabara's arms were crossed
over his chest; he snored lightly.
"And because of that, I believe I know what happened to Hiei." He paused. "What
I, no, what that Kurama did to him."
Yusuke frowned. "Are you sure? I mean, I've spent a lot of time with Hiei, but
I don't think I could figure out what he's been through for a month just by
that."
Kurama looked away. "Yeah, well, you're not in love with him."
Yusuke squeezed Kurama's shoulder. "So you figured it out and, what, you asked
him about it?"
"No, I only knew it for a fact after he'd already run away." Kurama shook his
head. "I've had a suspicion about what had happened to him, but I thought,
hoped really, if I kept talking to him as if I didn't know, then maybe he'd say
something to prove me wrong."
"And?"
"I was right, in the end," Kurama whispered.
Somewhere in the distance, a single bird began to shrill.
"So-"
"I'm not going to tell you what happened to him."
Yusuke frowned. "But-"
"If Hiei wants you to know, he'll tell you." Kurama put his head on his knees.
"Honestly, if he had wanted me to know, he would have told me. That I figured
it out is," he shook his head, "probably going to be a problem for him."
"How can we help him then?"
"You're doing fine. I have some other ideas that might help as well. I need to
talk to Genkai first though."
"Why Ba-san?"
Kurama yawned. "I think Genkai's known the whole time what happened. The things
she said that first day were very telling. I should have paid better attention.
I need to get her advice."
"And what about Hiei?"
"We'll continue to take care of him, as he needs us. Knowing what he went
through may make things easier on both ends."
"Kurama, he hyperventilated himself to unconsciousness in a doorway. He's not
okay."
Kurama looked up at Yusuke. "No, he's not. But don't you see? He knew he could
trust you, that you'd be there when he needed you, and you were." Kurama looked
back out over the untended garden. "Now I just need to figure out what I'm
going to do."
***** Chapter 10 *****
Chapter Summary
     Two conversations with Genkai.
Chapter Notes
     Tags are current and relevant. In this chapter is discussion of
     Hiei's age.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Genkai continued to light the candles. "I wondered when you'd come to me."
"Forgive my lateness then."
She snorted.
"I need your help."
"Obviously." She looked over her shoulder. "You know, he may improve on his
own, if given the proper support and sufficient time. Do you have time?"
"I can wait for him. But I don't know that he can survive the time it would
take."
She turned, hopping down from the dais. With a flick of her wrist, she put out
the candle she held. "You know him better than anyone here. You know his
tendencies, his habits, his history." She stalked across the hall, and Kurama
fell in step behind her. "What will he do?"
In silence, they passed through one hallway to another, then out onto a covered
patio, beyond which sat a small sand garden. Mist clung to the stones. Genkai
sat on a low chair looking out over the garden and gestured to another seat
beside her. Kurama sat.
"So?"
Kurama folded his hands in his lap. "He will run away from it for as long as he
can. At some point, he won't be able to run anymore. He will find himself
compelled to fall back on the old patterns of violence that mitigated his pain
as a child-"
"He's still a child. You know that."
Kurama frowned.
Genkai grumbled. "He's barely-"
"I know how old he is. I know Hiei is not yet fully grown."
"He's a child."
Why are you belaboring this? We aren't human!
"Fine. A child."
Happy?
They sat in silence.
"Well, go on then."
Kurama nodded. "Those patterns of violence that were the only thing he knew in
the first years of his life will be the only mechanism of survival he will rely
on. He will attempt to lose himself in bloodlust as he did before, until he
reaches a point where it becomes routine to him and thus no longer provides the
mental shield it did before. He will need to find a new outlet to keep his
memories at bay."
"Hm."
"If he cannot find an outlet, he will self-destruct. Most likely, he will
engage in a battle he knows he has no chance of winning. His fighting will
become increasingly reckless. He will take greater and greater risks until his
luck runs out, and he is killed."
Genkai sighed, at what he wasn't sure. "And what will he do now? What will you
do now?"
"I'm not sure."
She snorted. "Don't lie to me, old fox. You have a plan. You've only come here
to see if I'd help or get in your way."
Kurama nodded, smiling sadly. "That is true."
"After he saw you and you touched his youki, he could not control his own
youki, to the point that he was causing harm to himself. He has needed
something to help him sleep for two nights in a row. He is having nightmares
near constantly, both while asleep and awake. He is self-destructing faster
than your timeline accounts for, without going through the fighting phase."
"Yes. That's why I've come to you now instead of in a week as I had initially
intended."
She nodded.
They watched a dragonfly flit among the rocks.
"Koenma will not give it to me," Kurama said softly. "He will demand to know
irrelevant details, and then make a judgement based on his opinion of Hiei and
myself, of the situation and whatever moralizing he decides is relevant. His
mood the day of my request will be an enormous factor in his decision. His
attitude towards Hiei in the past and even more recently tells me that, without
a doubt, I cannot put Hiei's fate in Koenma's hands. I cannot trust him to make
an impartial decision."
Genkai nodded. "So you know that Koenma owes me certain favors."
"Why else would I be here?"
Genkai said nothing.
"You have the means to avoid his ponderousness."
She sighed. "Even still, it will take me no less than three days to get what
you want from Koenma."
"Thank you."
"I haven't said I'll help you yet. How long will it take you to get it ready?"
"Less than a day. A few hours at most. Extracting the pollen is easy enough
when you know how."
Genkai nodded.
Kurama exhaled slowly. "This is the only chance he has of survival."
"There is another."
"If killing me would help Hiei, then I would smile as I bare my throat to him."
She scoffed. "Then why not let him kill you now?"
"As I said, if that would help him, I would. But as things stand, if Hiei
killed me, it would be an act against that Kurama in Higashiyama's Territory."
Kurama shook his head. "He would awaken from his rage and realize that I was
not the same Kurama who harmed him, and that would be even more detrimental to
him. He may harm himself further."
Genkai shook her head. "It would be a shame for one young life to be snuffed
out because of the actions of another."
Kurama's eyes flashed. "Higashiyama is the one to blame here, not me."
She eyed him. "Do you want to have this argument now, or after I get back from
Reikai?"
His teeth chattered with rage, but he said nothing.
Genkai gave him a withering frown. "You realize if you go through with this and
he finds out, he'll be furious."
Still facing away, Kurama nodded.
"And at the very least, he will try to kill you."
"And in such a scenario, I will let him."
Genkai eyed him.
"If Hiei is to kill me, I will make sure he has a good reason," he said softly.
He smiled. "And what better reason than having irrevocably stolen his
memories?"
"I suppose I should say something about how you don't have the right to make
that decision for him."
"You'll say it, and I'll refute it. We'll argue about partnerships and
autonomy, about human moralism compared to youkai pragmatism, about Hiei's age
compared to mine." Kurama shook his head. "We both know what the other will
say, and neither of us will be changed by such a discussion. Let's not waste
each other's time any more than necessary."
Genkai's laugh was hard. "Well said, fox."
The dragonfly alighted onto one of the taller stones. It didn't move.
They watched the dragonfly.
"Then you still mean to kill Higashiyama?"
"When all this is done and I am sure Hiei is safe."
"Koenma will retract his pardon."
"As if that matters to me in the slightest." He turned and fixed his stare on
Genkai, his hard eyes flashing. "Enma's son didn't even know who I was when we
stole the artifacts from under his nose and I was using my own name. He had no
idea that the thief Kurama who stole the Ankokukyo and other 'Treasures' was
the same thief Kurama who had previously raided that same storehouse. Twice. I
very much doubt that, should I disappear and resurface, he'd put two and two
together. His hands are full with his father's fool's errand of keeping the
Reikai from being reabsorbed into the Makai."
"Hm."
"And to that matter, the only reason I'm not just stealing what I need from
Koenma is because his researchers are working on variants. I won't have the
time to discover which strains are stable and which are not, and I won't take
that risk with Hiei's life."
Genkai turned and faced him, her eyes just as hard. "One last thing."
"Yes?"
Genkai glared at him. "You have bound that child to you, Kurama. You have
devoured him once, and he has experienced countless devourings in his
Territory. Though the latter is not your doing, Hiei is completely attached to
you now, whether he wants to be or not. What Yusuke called your 'little stunt'
in the hallway more than proves it."
Kurama sighed. "Having only devoured him once, I shouldn't have been able to
control his youki. But he-"
Genkai sneered. "He was your responsibility already, and his experiences have
only cemented that. However," she paused, her eyes piercing him, "if you do
this, you will be forever responsible for him. The kourime are immortal, and
it's safe to assume he will be as well."
Kurama's eyes narrowed. "I have no intention of-"
"You inhabit a human body. At some point, that body will age and die. I assume
you already have a plan to escape that fate." She raised her chin. "I cannot
imagine you desire to age past this point and risk dying in fragile human
flesh, no matter how much your kind likes playing at humanity."
Kurama looked away, his face flushing with fury.
"You must take whatever measures necessary to ensure that you are not leaving
Hiei alone, whether you live or not. He is a child, Kurama. You are nearing
your second millennia, though I very much doubt Koenma's profile of you is as
accurate as he thinks it is." She snorted. "Hiei has no ability to refuse you,
as evidenced by what you were able to do to him in Higashiyama's Territory. His
youki is yours. His life is yours." She lowered her voice. "Had it been anyone
else, do you really think Hiei would not have been able to save himself?"
He snarled at her.
"When he finds out, he will kill you. Not if or maybe. He will find out, and he
will kill you. You may be able to keep him alive, but you cannot force him to
forgive you." Her eyes narrowed. "Or can you? I've often wondered the limits of
devouring. What exactly can you do to him without his consent, Kurama?"
'You'd be able to control what I feel. What I want.'
Kurama's youki snapped up to swirl around him even as horror turned his blood
to ice. "You dare?"
She shook her head, laughing. "You need to make arrangements. Once he kills
you, he will become untethered entirely. What will happen to his youki, as
connected as it is to yours? Will he lose his youki, or his mind? Both?" She
glared at him, eyes harder than he'd ever seen. "By doing this, you are
sentencing him to a terrible death. Regardless of how betrayed he will feel
before he kills you, your death will break him, be it from the weight of having
killed you himself or the sudden severing of your bond. And then what?"
Kurama could say nothing.
He'd known all this, of course.
But seeing Hiei suffer like this, what choice did he have?
Genkai snorted. "At the very least, your death will break whatever control over
his rage he's developed. He will kill at the slightest provocation. He is too
young to be on his own. What happens if he discovers what you've done while
you're here in the human realms? What happens if he kills you here?" Her voice
lowered. "I don't know that even Yusuke has the strength to stop Hiei in a
rage, Kurama."
"Hiei is-"
"That isn't to say that Reikai will just sit back and let Hiei run rampant
through the human realms. Oh no." She snorted. "You've been through Reikai's
storehouses. You've seen some of the things Junior has stored away. Do you
really want to subject Hiei to any of them?"
"What would you have me do?" he growled. "I can't let him live like this."
"You did this to him, Kurama. Remember that."
Kurama recoiled. "That Kurama who harmed him came from an extreme end of Hiei's
fears," he growled. "It wasn't me."
Genkai's eyes hardened. "Oh? Those extreme fears grew from lesser fears, which
themselves took root from his experiences. He is afraid of being tied to
anyone, let alone you, let alone in a permanent partnership. He knows you are
possessive, endlessly covetous, and exponentially stronger than he, regardless
of your idiotic claim that you're only 'twice as strong' as Hiei." She rolled
her eyes. "Yusuke is an idiot if he actually believed that."
Kurama said nothing.
"Hiei knows you want him and will not stop until he is yours. He knows you
destroy those who get between you and what you want. He knows he cannot resist
you in anything, not really. He knows he is intoxicated by your power. He knows
you are old, fox, and tricky. He knows how many tails you have. He knows he
wants you, and he knows you know it. These are all things he feared before
Higashiyama, and rightly so." She paused. "And he knows you see through him,
and perhaps that frightens him most of all."
Kurama felt his youki begin to whip around him. "If you are suggesting-"
"I suggest nothing. I am stating outright that the Kurama who hurt Hiei
until he had to beg Yusuke to kill him and the Kurama sitting before me
diverged from the same person one month ago. One Kurama made decisions that
have nearly destroyed Hiei, and the other Kurama has the opportunity to not
make those same mistakes." She snorted. "The only thing surprising to me is how
much it is hurting you to see him like this."
"That shows how little you know me."
"You are fundamentally unknowable, fox," Genkai snapped. "Do you think Hiei
doesn't know that?"
"Hiei knows me!"
"Oh? He does?" Her eyes glittered. "Perhaps you're right. He did create an
exceptional likeness of you in the Territory. You and I both know what you did
to him there, fox; even if we don't know details, you've seen his bruises.
You've seen how he reacts." She raised her chin. "I'm sure you've been trying
to wrack that clever brain of yours to find some excuse for why Hiei couldn't
just wake up out of his nightmare as you did, but you and I both know the
answer."
Kurama was shaking. "You-"
"He couldn't wake up because he believed it." Her eyes were slits; her reiki
whipped around her. "Everything you did to him was believable. All of it."
Kurama showed her his teeth; his hackles were rising. "No." He shook his head.
"No, it… That's not true."
"There's no other answer, Kurama," Genkai growled. "You tortured him, Kurama.
You raped-"
"It wasn't me!" Kurama roared. His chest was heaving. He peered down at her-
A lock of silver caught on the wind.
Oh.
I shifted.
His rage curled around him, as ready for violence as his churning youki.
"Is that supposed to impress me, fox?" Genkai drawled.
He showed her his teeth, his ears flat against his head.
Genkai glared up at him. "Have you any ability to look at yourself at all? If
you do this, you will be forcing your will on him even further. You will be
doing the exact same thing Higashiyama did to him. Taking away his agency
again. Doing to him and his body and his mind what you want, regardless of his
own desires!"
"What would you have me do?!" Kurama snarled. "He needs to heal, and the pollen
is the only answer! He's not getting better! He's going to kill himself!"
Genkai said nothing as she watched him, but there was something behind her
eyes-
"You… Why are you looking at me like that?" Kurama hissed.
She continued to watch him, in silence.
I just don't know what else to do.
I can't let you die.
His anger slid away into sorrow.
"Why are you…" He swallowed; his form slipped, and with a shudder, he let his
youki settle. Exhaustion tugged at him as his rage evaporated. He hugged his
arms around himself. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"There is a reason why I have even allowed you to remain under the same roof
with him." Her voice had softened. She sighed, shaking her head. "I do believe
that Higashiyama's Territory warped what could be a sustainable, mutually
beneficial relationship between the two of you. Hiei needs guidance. He needs
love. You've pushed him towards remaining around Yukina, for starters, which
seems to be doing wonders for him in spite of his stupid stubbornness. His
nature is divided, and as you are a divided being yourself, and you have been
guiding him towards balancing his duality. He's learned to trust others. He has
friends now, something I'm sure he never even considered before." She eyed him.
"See? I do have some positive thoughts about you."
He sighed. "I'm not going to thank you for that."
"I didn't think you would." She stood, brushing nonexistent dust from her
clothes. "But though we pray for sun, we prepare for rain."
"Genkai."
"Yes?"
Maybe I should go to Shigure anyway.
Hiei needs balance.
He can't have that with our youki aligned like this. The devouring has only
been in the one direction. He thinks I have all the power.
He feels like he already has no autonomy.
Maybe if we separate, he can heal. Then, maybe, later…
"Does Yusuke know your fears about me?" Kurama asked softly.
"No."
"And will you tell him?"
She peered at him.
"Hiei needs Yusuke," Kurama said softly. "He's the only one Hiei trusts right
now." He looked down at his hands. "If Yusuke knows how you feel about me, he
will be influenced by your opinion. He will treat me differently. He will react
to mentions of me differently. And then…"
She sighed. "Hiei will know."
"Don't let Hiei be hurt more than he already is." He closed his eyes tightly.
"He needs to believe that," he choked, "that I won't hurt him."
Again.
He curled in on himself. "Please."
"Our conversation is between you and I."
Kurama covered his face with his hands as the tears came.
He heard Genkai sigh. "I have been told that in Hiei's Territory, Yusuke had to
convince me to step in and help save Hiei from you. I was apparently content to
let you destroy him. Most likely, I told myself that this was a youkai matter,
and thus, I had no responsibility to interfere. Knowing the worst of how I feel
about the two of you…" She laughed mirthlessly. "We all have sins to account
for, even if those sins were not committed in this world."
 
——
 
Yusuke popped his head in the door. Genkai nodded to the three Territory users.
"Go eat something."
As they filed out past Yusuke, Kaito met his eyes, saying nothing.
"So what did you want?" Yusuke said as he plopped on the floor.
"Make my tea."
Yusuke groaned but got up.
"Kurama came to me," Genkai said.
Yusuke scooped dry leaves into a little ceramic teapot. "Yeah, he said he was
gonna talk to you."
"I told him I would go on an errand for him."
Yusuke clicked on the kettle. He swore, clicking it off, and checked to see if
there was water inside. "Okay. I'll take care of things here."
"I'm staying here."
Yusuke looked at her.
She met his eyes.
They watched each other in silence.
Yusuke looked back down at the tea.
Genkai sighed. "Hiei told you he'd asked you to kill him, in the Territory."
Yusuke turned on the kettle and leaned against the wall. "Yeah. With a seal."
"Don't you think it's interesting that he hasn't asked for anything like that
recently?"
Yusuke frowned. He crossed his arms over his chest.
"You said yourself he isn't getting better, Yusuke."
"He isn't."
"So why hasn't he tried to kill himself?"
The teapot clicked off.
Yusuke stared at her in horror.
"The water, Yusuke."
Yusuke poured hot water over the leaves, barely registering his own movements.
Genkai sighed. "I believe Hiei knows we would try to stop him with words or
force, and that's the only thing holding him back. Which means that if given
the opportunity, he will." She muttered something, then said, "I believe Hiei
will hurt himself at the first opportunity." She sighed. "I am, apparently, not
the only one who feels this way."
He looked over his shoulder, the tea forgotten.
"Cover the teapot, Yusuke. Pay attention!"
"You can't just say something like that and expect me not to get upset!"
"Stop letting your emotions get in your way of everything! Make my damn tea!"
Yusuke dropped the lid of the teapot in place. He crossed the room and glared
down at her. "But he said he wanted to go to Makai."
Genkai glared up at him. "And has he gone?"
"No, but you're saying he's just waiting to be alone! If he wanted to, he could
go in a heartbeat to Makai. None of us could rightfully stop him, and then he
could do whatever he wanted with himself. But he hasn't!"
Genkai gestured to the other side of the room. "My tea, Yusuke? Honestly. I
wonder why I put up with you. I must be going senile."
Yusuke went. He poured the rest of the hot water remaining in the kettle into
Genkai's cup, swirling it around to heat the insides. He dumped the water out,
then poured the tea into the cup. He put the cup on a tray and brought it to
Genkai.
She took the cup and he put the tray on the floor beside her. Then he flopped
down and sat cross-legged before her. "What's this about?"
Genkai turned her cup in her hands. "Kurama asked me to go to Reikai and get
something called a Dream Flower from Koenma."
"I don't know what that is."
"It's a plant that, when the pollen is distilled, can alter a person's
memories."
Yusuke stared at her. "Why-" He leaned forward. "He's gonna use it on Hiei?!"
Genkai sipped her tea. "I believe that's his intention, yes."
"Wait, can he just-"
"Hiei does not need to be aware of it for it to work. He only needs to be
conscious." She met Yusuke's eyes. "He could forget. It could be like none of
it ever happened."
Yusuke winced. "But… then that's Kurama deciding something for Hiei. That's not
okay, is it?"
Genkai raised her teacup. "I wonder."
"Ba-san, he can't do something like that to Hiei."
"Hiei willingly gave himself to Kurama, Yusuke. They are, as Kurama likes to
remind us, partners."
"But Hiei is his own person. He'd be fucking furious if he found out."
Genkai eyed him. "Do you think Kurama doesn't know that?"
"Then-"
"Kurama wants Hiei alive. He doesn't care if Hiei hates him or even kills him
for his troubles. He wants Hiei to live."
Yusuke frowned.
Genkai snorted. "It seems the old fox actually loves him."
Yusuke sat in silence, thinking. "But wait, you said you aren't going."
"No. I had a bad dream last night, and something Kurama said this morning just
reinforced it. I'll see what the next couple of days hold. If things calm down,
I'll go." She turned her cup in her hands. "Just… keep an eye on Hiei." She
fixed him with a sharp stare. "Don't leave him on his own. Do you understand,
Yusuke? Not for a second."
Yusuke nodded.
Satisfied, Genkai sipped from her cup. "I guess even a dimwit like you can
learn to make decent tea."
Chapter End Notes
     Happy birthday to me! <3
***** Chapter 11 *****
Chapter Summary
     :(
Chapter Notes
     Please read the tags.
     --
     It's my birthday so you get early post! Yay! Enjoy the suffering!
     (kiss emoji)
A vein in Kuwabara's forehead twitched.
"Seriously, don't make a big deal out of this," Yusuke hissed. "It's fine.
We've slept over at each other's places like this before."
"The sleeping arrangements were a little bit different!" Kuwabara hissed back.
Yusuke looked down at Hiei, one thin arm tight around Yusuke's waist, one leg
wrapped around Yusuke's calves, his body fully pressed against Yusuke's thigh.
"Yeah, but-"
"What if Keiko were here?!"
"So what?" Yusuke hissed. "Keiko thinks he's twelve!"
Kuwabara froze. "He-he's-"
"Okay, so he's not actually twelve. I don't… actually know exactly how old he'd
be. Fourteen? Sixteen?" Yusuke muttered. "But he's youkai so it doesn't matter!
He's probably like sixty or something."
Kuwabara snorted. "I'm gonna start calling him gramps."
Yusuke laughed. "Anyway, it's Hiei! He's family."
Kuwabara raised an eyebrow.
"Like a… weird cousin or something. It's fine, Kuwabara, sheesh."
"As long as he stays on your futon, I don't care," Kuwabara grumbled.
Yusuke grinned. "All I'm saying is don't be surprised if he doesn't."
"What the hell-"
"Keep your voice down!"
Kuwabara glared at him.
Yusuke shifted down as best he could without dislodging Hiei. He yawned as he
dragged the summer blanket up over his legs and Hiei's body. "It's been a long
fucking day," he murmured.
Kuwabara flopped on his stomach onto his futon and moved to the closer edge; he
glared down at Yusuke. "What was that that you-know-who was talking about?
About what this one went through in the Territory?"
"I don't know." Yusuke paused. "Look, I don't know for certain, but…"
"You have an idea."
"Yeah."
"It's bad then?"
Those bruises.
It's not like he could just get those bruises from anywhere.
And they were layered.
New bruises over old.
Yusuke looked away, wincing.
His neck, his wrists.
Kurama even said they looked like… vine marks.
And on the inside of his thighs.
Those were clearly made by hands.
Kurama's hands.
Yusuke shook his head. 
Hiei's ankles spread, sliding in the water on the floor, and Yusuke can clearly
see layers of black bruises like deep shadows high between Hiei's legs.
Fuck, Hiei, what did he do to you?!
"Urameshi?"
"Y-yeah. Bad."
"How bad?"
"The worst." Yusuke felt sick. "After trying to take care of this one, it's
hard to remember that that one isn't the same that one as in this one's
Territory. But," he lowered his voice, "even though I know it wasn't him,
sometimes I still really want to kill him."
"Yeah," Kuwabara grumbled. "I don't even know what happened and I know what you
mean." He ran his huge hand through his hair. "Though before he woke up, didn't
we feel the same way about Hi-, this one?"
"Yeah." Yusuke sighed. "We did."
They were silent, lost in their own thoughts. Hiei mumbled something.
"But honestly, Kuwabara," Yusuke said, meeting his friend's eyes, "what this
one went through… The fact that he wants to keep talking to that one says a
lot, don't you think?"
Hiei moaned softly.
Kuwabara's eyes widened. "This is exactly what I was talking about!" he hissed.
"Calm down, he's still sleeping. Look."
They peered down at Hiei, his face now buried in Yusuke's ribs, his breathing
even.
"It's just a dream."
"What kind of dream?" Kuwabara grumbled.
"Relax. Anyway, listen, this one had things so much worse. And… I don't know
what we can do for him. But that one really doesn't want to hurt him. He really
does wants this one to get better." Yusuke paused. "It's going to take time."
"He said he's in love with him."
"So you were awake for that."
"Yeah."
"And is this one…"
"Yeah. He is. Very much so." Yusuke's hand ran up Hiei's ribs. Hiei shifted
forward with what might have been a muttered curse, and put his head on
Yusuke's shoulder.
"Huh."
"Yeah."
Kuwabara chuckled, low and soft. "It's kinda obvious, if you think about it."
Yusuke grinned. "Yeah, I feel pretty stupid."
Yusuke's thoughts returned to his conversation with Genkai. His smile fell.
"Urameshi?"
Yusuke's eyes traced the dim lines of the ceiling.
"Urameshi."
"I'm… I'm just worried about Hiei."
Kuwabara scoffed. "We all are."
"No, I mean…"
Yusuke tugged Hiei closer to him. Hiei's breath warmed his collarbone.
"Urameshi, what is it?" Kuwabara whispered.
"I don't know," Yusuke murmured.
Ba-san said she had a bad dream.
I kinda feel something.
Is it just because of what Ba-san said?
"I… I just have a bad feeling."
Kuwabara watched him. "What kind of bad feeling?"
"I don't know."
Kuwabara watched him for a long moment, reading something on Yusuke's face that
Yusuke couldn't say. "When I get home, I'll ask Shizuru what she sees."
"Thanks, Kuwabara."
They lay in silence for a while.
"Hey, Kuwabara?"
"What?"
"How's your house guest?"
"What, you mean-"
Yusuke's glare kept him quiet.
"Why the fuck would he care if I said her name?"
"Just don't, you asshole."
They glared at each other. Kuwabara scoffed. "She's fine. Been a little under
the weather recently. She keeps saying its the heat but… I don't know."
Twins.
"She said that elemental youkai are 'apparitions' and that they don't do well
in their opposing elements." Kuwabara eyed him. "But heat's not an element. I
get being 'not cold' might be uncomfortable but… It's not just that." He
sighed. "I'm worried. I know she's holding stuff back to protect me or
whatever."
"What do you think it is?"
"I don't know." Kuwabara looked up at the ceiling. "But I don't like it. She's
trying so hard to be strong. I just want her to be happy. If she'd let me, I'd
take care of her," he finished softly.
Yusuke grinned at him.
"Man, fuck you, Urameshi," Kuwabara muttered, blushing.
Despite the drawn blinds, the early morning light filtered through, painting
the room in soft pinks.
Kuwabara yawned. "I'm going to sleep for a couple hours."
"'Night, Kuwabara."
"'Night, Urameshi."
 
——
 
He was having a nightmare, he knew. His heart was aching. He curled in on
himself. He could smell flowers though, something familiar and calming…
"Hiei."
He looked up.
Kurama crouched at the foot of the futon. There was a spray of small white
flowers tucked in his hair.
"Ku… Kurama?" he whispered.
"Hi, Hiei." Kurama smiled. "You look comfortable."
Hiei rubbed his eyes. He looked to his right and saw that he was half-lying on
Yusuke's chest, Yusuke's arm draped over Hiei's back. On Hiei's left, Kuwabara
was on his side, loosely hugging Hiei's legs. He blinked, yawning.
Kurama held out his hand. "How are you?" His palm was slashed in half by a
bright scar.
Hiei blinked at the scar. There was something about it that he should have
remembered… He was so tired though… and the flowers smelled so nice…
"I'm going to go back home now," Kurama said softly.
Hiei nodded.
Pain.
"I'll still be here as much as I can. I think you need some time away from me
for a while. Yusuke will stay here with you, and Kuwabara and Botan will come
and go as they have been. Genkai should be back in a few days." Kurama smiled
at him. "Yusuke said he'd teach you how to use the telephone."
Hiei nodded.
"It's a useful piece of human magic. You can talk to me without having to see
me or sense my youki. Communication, but distant. Like a message ball, but we
can talk back and forth. I think you'll like it."
Hiei yawned.
Kurama's smile warmed. "We have a lot to talk about."
Hiei shook his head slowly. "No."
"I didn't mean the past, Hiei. We don't have to discuss the past until you're
ready. But I do want to talk about the future."
Hiei put his head back down on Yusuke's chest. The rumble of Yusuke's breathing
and the rush of his blood felt real and solid even if all else felt like a
dream. "Future?"
"Our future."
Hiei nodded.
Our future.
Warmth spread through his chest.
Our future.
Kurama drew his hand back. "I want you to be well, Hiei." Something in Kurama's
smile shifted into melancholy. "I… will wait for your call."
"Why?"
"I'm only across town. It takes me fifteen minutes at most to get here."
"No."
Kurama watched him carefully. After a long pause, he said, "If you want me to
stay, I will."
Hiei nodded.
"You want me to stay?"
Hiei nodded again. His eyelids were so heavy.
"Hiei, whatever you want from me, you will have. If you want silence and
distance, you'll have it. If you want closeness and talking, you'll have it.
Whatever you need I will give you." Kurama's eyes were bright. "Anything. I
will give you the moon's blood if you ask it of me, Hiei."
Hiei shook his head.
Kurama's sad smile returned. He stood. "I have to go home now. I'll be back as
soon as I can, around noon at the latest." He paused. "Should something change
and you want me to stay away, have Yusuke show you the phone."
He watched Hiei for a moment longer, then turned to go.
"Kurama," Hiei murmured.
"Yes?"
Hiei yawned again, his eyes closing. The perfume of flowers wound its way
through his mind, inviting him back down.
Kurama's voice was warm. "It's okay, Hiei. I'll see you soon."
 
——
 
Yusuke stretched, and heard a growled complaint. He glanced down at his side.
Hiei snarled at him. "Stop moving."
"Aw, were you comfy?" Yusuke yawned. He reached down and fluffed Hiei's hair.
He's grumpy in the mornings. That's cute.
"Hungry."
"Are you now?" Yusuke rolled his shoulders and yawned again. His eyes closed.
"You know where the kitchen is."
The warmth against his side disappeared.
The room fell silent.
"Yusuke."
"What?" Yusuke murmured.
"Where is Kuwabara?"
"He went home, Hiei."
"Why?"
"He's got exams soon."
Hiei mumbled something.
Yusuke snuggled into the futon.
"Yusuke."
Yusuke groaned. "What?"
"I want udon."
Yusuke's eyes opened.
"Yusuke."
"I heard you."
"Udon."
"I said I heard you." Yusuke turned his head. Hiei stood at the open closet,
pulling one of Yusuke's shirts over his head. He slipped jeans up over his
hips.
His bruises are finally fading.
Damn you, Kurama.
Hiei turned and glared at him. "Get up."
"Five minutes."
Hiei snarled. "Yusuke-"
"Fine! I'm up. Demanding little thing, aren't you?" He stood, and rolled his
shoulders. "Why are-"
Hiei was frozen by the closet door, staring at nothing.
"Hiei?" Yusuke went and crouched in front of him. "Hiei."
What happened?
Hiei shook his head. He opened his mouth, and his face cracked. Fat tears,
slightly pink, tore from his eyes; Yusuke held his hand out and caught the
hirui stones.
Later, once everything has calmed down, I'm gonna need someone to explain this
to me.
This is one of those stones, isn't it?
Just like the ones from Yukina.
Holy shit, this is just like the ones from Yukina, isn't it?
Twins!
Yusuke, you genius!
…Wait. I thought only the kourime could make hirui stones.
He's not kourime.
"Hiei." Yusuke reached forward and gently took Hiei's hands in his. "Hiei,
you're okay. I'm right here. Whatever you're seeing right now, it's over. It's
in the past. You're safe. It's over."
Hiei shuddered.
"Hiei, come back to me. We're here in the present. It's just you and me, at
Genkai's. We're gonna go get something to eat. There's no one else here in the
whole building. Just you and me. You're okay. You're safe."
Hiei blinked, and glared down at Yusuke's hands on his. "Let go."
"Nope." Yusuke stood, still holding onto Hiei's trembling hands. "So, what
happened?"
Hiei bared his teeth. He wouldn't meet Yusuke's eyes.
"C'mon, Hiei, let me help you."
Hiei looked down.
Yusuke waited.
"He…" Hiei clenched his eyes shut. "He called me…" He snarled with disgust.
"Come on. You can say it."
"I'm not a child, Yusuke!" Hiei growled. "Don't patronize me!"
"Hey, I'm here to help, okay? I know you're not a child."
Hiei's eyes searched his face. He took a deep breath. "Thing. That I was…" His
whole body shuddered. "His. His thing."
'Demanding little thing.'
Goddamn it.
Hiei stepped backwards, swaying, and Yusuke held him steady by the hands. "He
did what he wanted with his things," Hiei whispered. More stones fell and Hiei
leaned back, staring with wide horror at the ceiling, seeing something Yusuke
couldn't.
Okay. I'm gonna be sick.
I'm never gonna look at Kurama the same way again.
I really have to punch someone for this.
Fuck!
"He said," Hiei's voice was a high whisper, "'You are mine,' and-"
God fucking damn it.
Hiei wrenched his hands from Yusuke's grip and bolted out the door. Yusuke
sighed, grabbed his pants, and chased after him.
It wasn't hard to find him. Hiei's youki rioted around him, fire and
electricity, swooping down and around Yusuke as he came close, making the hair
on the back of his neck stand on end.
"Are you gonna come down, or should I come up?" Yusuke called from the bottom
of the shrine gate.
Hiei ignored him.
Yusuke jumped up.
"Hey."
Hiei ignored him.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what I can and I can't say."
Hiei shook his head.
"Are you still hungry?"
Hiei was staring into the shrine complex, saying nothing.
"Or do you want to stay up here for a while? Or…"
"Breath's-end."
It's for the best, right?
 
——
 
"Here you go." Yusuke handed the sprig to Hiei.
Hiei sighed, looking at the two dark leaves in his hand.
"Hiei?"
"I hate this."
"I know."
Hiei swallowed back bile. "It's not going to get better."
"Of course it is. Just about anything gets easier with time."
"For you, maybe."
"Look, it's been, what, a week since you woke out of Higashiyama's Territory?
After having been there a month? You can't expect to just suddenly not care
anymore. It's gonna take time."
"I'd settle for not thinking about it every waking moment."
"That'll come."
"How?" Hiei threw the leaves on the table. "I can't do this anymore, Yusuke."
"I know."
"I just… I want it to be over."
Yusuke gave him a strange look.
Something in Hiei's mind clicked into place.
Kurama is away until around noon.
Genkai went somewhere, and Yusuke said she won't be back for another couple
days.
He said Kuwabara is home studying or something.
Botan's not here. She's probably in Reikai.
It's just me and Yusuke.
Hiei's blood began to thrum through him as it did before a fight.
Who knows when one of them will show up?
This might be the only opportunity I have.
It could be over.
Finally.
No more pain.
He reached for the breath's-end. He peered at it.
Yusuke was watching him.
Hiei frowned, drawing it closer to his face.
I'm sorry, Yusuke.
"What is it?"
To be fair, you betrayed me first.
"There's… What is that?" Hiei said softly. He crushed the leaves between his
fingers, releasing their oil.
But that wasn't you that betrayed me though, was it? I just always assumed you
would in the end.
"What is it? Let me see." Yusuke leaned forward.
I really am sorry though.
Thank you for being a friend to me.
In a flash, Hiei had shoved the seeping leaves in Yusuke's mouth. Yusuke fell
over, dead asleep.
Hiei stood.
"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I can't do this anymore. Please take care of
Yukina and K-Kurama for me." He swallowed. "Tell Kurama I-I'm sorry." He didn't
know if Yusuke could hear him. He caught the hirui stones as they fell, and
crouched. He opened Yusuke's hand and tucked the stones against his palm,
closing his fingers tight around them.
I gave these to you before.
When I expected Kurama to kill me.
"Thank you, Yusuke. I-I'm sorry."
Nothing has changed.
It's all the same in the end.
He left the little makeshift bedroom, sliding the door shut behind him, and
headed towards the main complex. His footfalls were silent, but he heard them
echoing in the halls.
I can't do this anymore.
It hurts too much.
Everything that happened is inside me, where it will stay.
Even if time passes, even if this 'gets easier,' mine is still the body that
that Kurama destroyed.
This is still the mind that that Kurama broke.
I love him.
Hiei paused before the doorway to the dark hall Genkai had locked him in after
that disastrous accidental encounter in the hall.
I know that I love him.
If I didn't, would I care that he was the one who destroyed me?
Maybe not.
I'd kill whoever it was and go on with my life.
I'd be angry. Not… broken.
Destroyed.
Maybe.
He pushed the door open. Inside was dark.
I hate this creepy fucking place. Who would want such a huge ugly statue of
Enma anyway?!
She'd better not have taken all the seals down.
His youki reached out, searching, and recoiled against the seals.
Good.
He shut the door behind him and eased down the bar across the door. The walls
behind him were still papered with little red and white seals. He went towards
the center of the room.
He knelt in the dark. The air was thick with the ghosts of old incense.
Kurama.
I love you.
He swallowed.
"I…"
I can't even say it!
Worthless!
"I-I lo-love…" he whispered. His blood roared in his ears. "I-I lo-love y-you.
I lo-love you."
I loved you, Kurama.
I can spend the rest of eternity wishing this hadn't happened, but it did. It
can't be undone.
Fucking humans and their stupid fucking Territories.
Hiei sighed and loosed his youki. It circled above him lazily.
He watched it twist and roll in on itself.
This was everything he had worked for.
Fought for.
Suffered for.
I'll never see Yukina again.
I'll never see the Makai again.
I'll never see Kurama again.
He closed his eyes. There were images there, soft ones, gentle ones: Yukina's
smiling face as she thanked him, not knowing who he was; Kurama's soft laughter
and gentle, sparkling eyes; Yusuke's stupid foolhardy grin. Even Kuwabara's
stupid human earnestness sent pangs of nostalgia and loss through his heart.
I can't.
It's too much.
I can't do this anymore.
It can't be helped.
He looked up at his youki. He held his arms out, and his youki sank between his
outstretched hands, a circling, glittering mass of shadow and sparks.
This is it.
"Goodbye, Kurama," Hiei whispered to the dark. "I loved you."
He set his youki on fire.
***** Chapter 12 *****
Chapter Summary
     It's never easy with these two, is it?
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Kurama stumbled. He leaned against the counter. The glass of water slipped from
his hands and shattered on the tile floor.
What is this?
His youki exploded around him, but he could find no attacker-
He clutched at the agony rising in his chest.
What is this?!
His mouth tasted like ice and sulfur-
His blood ran cold.
Hiei!
No!
Hiei, you can't!
Hiei!
 
——
 
"Kazuma-san!"
Kuwabara was on his feet and running down the hallway before Shizuru had
already looked up from her breakfast.
Yukina pushed herself towards him from the doorway of the living room; she
crashed into him and if he hadn't caught her, she would have fallen. "Kazuma,
you have to go. Go now!" She pounded her little fists at his chest, sobbing.
"Go! Kazuma, please!"
Kuwabara grabbed her arms as her legs gave out beneath her. "Yukina-san? What's
happened? Are you alright? Yukina?"
Behind him, he heard Shizuru run from the kitchen.
Yukina's red eyes were wide, already spilling precious tears, even as her body
had begun to go limp. Her one hand clutched the little necklace she always
wore. She twisted out of his hands and fell.
"Yukina-san? What-"
Both hands were wrapped around the necklace's charm. "Hiei! You have to go to
Hiei!"
Kuwabara stared at her, not understanding. "Yukina-san?"
Black fire flashed in her aura; Kuwabara took a step backwards.
Behind him, Shizuru gasped.
Yukina sobbed. "Please, Kazuma! He's dying! You can't let him die! Please! You
have to save him!"
 
——
 
Yusuke sat up. "What the fuck, Hiei?" he groaned. He reached up to rub his
forehead-
There was something in his hand. He opened it, staring down at the little pale
gems, softly pink.
There'd been quite a few of them around lately.
Hirui stones?
Hiei's hirui stones?
Huh?
Why are-
Wait.
"No, no, no!"
Yusuke scrambled to his feet.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
He sent his youki flying around him in a huge net, out over the whole of the
complex, searching for-
There!
"Hiei!"
 
——
 
The pain was worse this time.
He didn't realize it could be worse.
Is it because this time, it's real?
His youki fought against his will, but Hiei kept it steady, holding it in place
as he destroyed it. He coughed, already tasting blood.
The Jagan trembled. The dragon began to twitch with discomfort.
This is going to take longer than I thought.
Damn it!
The Jagan seared white fire into his brain, and the dragon on his arm keened.
This is my decision.
No one chooses for me!
He screamed in rage, pouring all of his will into ripping his own soul to
shreds.
 
——
 
"Yusuke!"
Yusuke looked over his shoulder. Kurama was cresting the top of the stairs.
"It's Hiei!"
Kurama had one hand over his chest; he was wincing as he caught up to Yusuke.
"I know! Where is he?"
"This way!"
"Urameshi! Kurama!"
Kurama and Yusuke turned; Kuwabara, still in house clothes and barefoot and
drenched in sweat, ran up the stairs, his reiki flaring.
A half-moment's glance told all of them what they needed to know.
They ran, feeling the howl of black fire that sent echoes of revulsion and fear
in their own youki.
"The Great Hall!"
Yusuke led them around to the side of the hall, to the door-
"Damn it!" Kuwabara threw himself against the door; seals along the edges
flared.
Kurama was winded, clutching his chest, his face too pale. "It's locked? Is
there another-"
"They're Ba-san's seals!"
"Yusuke?"
"Get out of the way!"
They jumped aside as Yusuke's rei-gun slammed into the doors, shattering them.
A terrible shrieking poured from the open doorway. They ran inside.
 
——
 
Almost.
He had felt the Jagan die. Its corpse ached in his forehead, no longer a part
of his person, disconnected, dead. As it had flared and died, Hiei had nearly
swooned. A part of his soul was gone.
But still he burned.
Almost.
The dragon on his arm had faded, disinterested in something so weak.
Almost.
His youki was just a simmer now, violet and black flames and the occasional
flicker of electricity; beneath that was the darkness that was the edge of his
soul, that which kept him alive, that kept his core intact, that kept him
breathing and in pain. This was the little smoldering coal that had been his
existence through his life, the only part of himself that he had kept after
taking on the Jagan.
All for nothing.
"Hiei!"
He didn't have the energy to turn. His shaking arms still aloft, he pushed the
limits of his fire, his will alone holding it steady, preventing his youki from
shearing away from his demands that it destroy itself, shred itself, burn
itself into ash.
"Hiei, stop!"
Kurama.
Kurama fell to his knees before him, eyes wide and terrified. "Hiei, stop!" His
hands grabbed Hiei's shoulders, but Hiei was immovable, his face turned up
toward the death before him. Kurama reached for Hiei's youki, but the fires
lunged at him, pushing him back.
I'm sorry, Kurama.
I can't do this anymore.
Looking at you hurts.
I can't live like this.
"Please, Hiei," Kurama pleaded. "Stop! Hiei, you have to stop!"
I'm sorry.
I loved you.
I'm sorry I never got to tell you.
"Damn you, Hiei, stop!" Kurama's eyes were wild.
I wanted to be able to love you for real.
To have been with you.
The real you.
"Oh, no. No, no… You…" Kurama's voice fell to a terrible whisper. "You can't
stop it, can you?"
"Kurama!"
"What the fuck is he doing?!"
"Hiei, what have you done?!"
We should have talked after the Tournament.
Maybe all this could have been different.
I don't want to be afraid of you anymore.
He was too exhausted to cry.
His energy was rapidly draining along with his dying youki.
The fires brushed against his life energy, and Hiei cried out in agony. His
eyes rolled up into the back of his head.
It hurts, Kurama…
'He will kill you, and you will suffer the entire time you are dying.'
I make my own decisions…
No one chooses for me.
Behind him, Yusuke shouted, "Kurama, what are you doing?!"
He felt hands, cool and dry, press against his chest. White warmth flooded him.
He ignored it. Let Kurama attempt whatever last-ditch panicked effort he
wished.
It wouldn't matter.
The fire, now pursuing its task with only the occasional guidance, surged
against his fragile control. Soon, he'd lose it entirely, and the fire would
rage without him, devouring the rest of his youki and his soul.
And then, finally…
"Stop, Kurama! What are you doing?!"
His youki, the fire that made him imiko, lashed against the ice in his blood:
his nature divided itself from what he could have been and what he was. In a
flash, he felt the wave of heat from the fire above him, and he wailed as the
flesh on his palms was seared.
He had never actually felt fire before.
It was unbearable.
That's it.
That's the sign.
I can't stop it anymore. Even if I wanted to…
Hiei's arms fell. The fires reared overhead.
Only a little left…
It's out of my hands.
Finally.
"Urameshi, what the fuck is he doing?!"
"I don't know!"
"Kurama, what the fuck are you doing? Stop!"
"I won't let him die!"
"Kurama!" "Kurama!"
"No, this is my fault!"
"Kurama, you're killing yourself!"
Everything was still heat and flame, but the pain had subsided.
Is this what death is?
Silence? Peace?
No more suffering?
Hiei's eyes focused. The fires continued, devouring and destroying but-
The burning part was white.
Not black, not violet.
White.
I don't understand.
He stared at it, unable to process what he was seeing.
…Kurama?
His head lolled forward and he peered down at Kurama, his trembling hands still
pressed firmly against Hiei's chest, and found him shaking, his skin pale, his
hair dripping with sweat. He met Hiei's eyes.
Blood welled in the corner of Kurama's eyes like tears.
"I won't let you die," Kurama growled. There was a conviction there that didn't
make sense.
Just let me go, Kurama.
Hiei tried pushing the white youki away.
It wouldn't move.
Hiei frowned. He lifted his hands, staring at his singed palms.
He wasn't feeling weaker.
If anything-
His eyes narrowed.
He raised his hands. The fire licked at him, loving, no longer painful.
No.
No!
The fire above was consuming only the soft white youki which blanketed the dark
rolling fire of Hiei's youki. As he watched, the black fire protected beneath
began to surge and flare, without the destruction set by his will to suppress
it.
He's… he's diverted it!
It's burning his youki, not mine!
Kurama, what have you done?!
Why are you doing this?!
This is my decision to make!
Kurama coughed up blood. "I promised to protect you," he growled. "Kill me if
you want, Hiei, but I'm not going to let you die. I can't! None of this is your
fault!"
It doesn't matter whose fault it is!
I'm still the one suffering!
Let me die!
This is my choice!
The fire continued to burn, dragging Kurama's youki up through Hiei like oil in
a lantern, consuming his lovely white honey in a cloud of ash. The black and
violet beneath continued to grow.
I can't stop you, Kurama!
He felt Kurama start to die. His chest ached.
Kurama.
I never wanted this for you.
But the fire is beyond me now. I can't stop it!
He touched the back of Kurama's cool hand.
And you can't let go, even if you wanted to.
This will kill us both.
He realized he was smiling. Kurama smiled back at him. There was blood in his
teeth.
"Hiei, what the fuck are you doing? You're killing him!"
More blood drooled from Kurama's mouth. "He can't stop it, Yusuke! It's gone
too far!"
"What the fuck, Kurama!" "You're going to die!"
"I don't care!"
"Kurama!"
Kurama sagged forward. "I'm so sorry, Hiei."
Hiei's hands rose, and he rested them limply on Kurama's shoulders.
I'm sorry.
"When my youki is gone, you might be strong enough again to stop the burn,"
Kurama whispered; dark blood slipped from the corners of his mouth. "If not, at
least we die together." He was shivering. The youki still in his body was a
tiny little heat now, a flicker of rose; beneath was the soft blue of his human
reiki, divided, wavering as if afraid.
Hiei's fires raged above them.
"Ba-san!" "Genkai-san!"
"I sh-should have t-t-talked to you after the T-T-Tournament," Kurama mumbled.
"I…"
Hiei hugged him tighter.
A sharp voice grumbled behind him. "I thought this might happen."
"Ba-san! Do something!"
"Yes, I am. Calm down. First things first, this needs to stop."
From the corner of his eye, Hiei saw Genkai standing next to him, her hands
aloft. He peered up at her.
"He is going to die, Hiei," she said, looking down at him, her hands still
facing the fire.
Hiei nodded.
I know.
I can't help him.
The heat above him vanished in an icy breeze and flash of light.
Kurama sagged against him, unmoving.
"You can help him."
Hiei shook his head.
I can't.
"You have to devour him."
I don't understand.
"You have to push the youki which he has given to you back into him. It will
not be enough. You will have to share yours with him as well."
Hiei blinked. "I," he rasped, "I d-don't know how."
"I'm sure you can figure it out." Genkai crossed her arms over her chest.
Against him, Kurama was scarcely breathing. His youki was nearly all gone, his
reiki a whisper, the soft red and blue flickering uncertainly.
Hiei looked up. The fires had stopped. His youki swelled as it recovered.
Oh.
The consistency of Hiei's youki was strange and unfamiliar; white wisps darted
among black flames.
He pushed his youki into mine.
He wouldn't let me die.
He made his youki burn instead of letting mine…
Hiei shifted Kurama in his arms, rolling him onto his back, until Kurama lay in
Hiei's lap.
Kurama?
His eyes were closed, his lashes bloodied. His skin was gray, sticky with
sweat. His lips were white, lined with dark red.
He's barely breathing.
Kurama.
He looked up at Genkai. "I don't know how."
Genkai grumbled something.
"Kurama…"
Please don't die.
Kura-
Hiei's odd-textured youki slammed back to his own body. He felt the Jagan stir.
The dragon on his arm returned, bringing with it its endless wrath, flooding
him with its dark power.
He blinked.
He felt as if he had awakened from a dream.
His youki began to wind in and around on itself, so strong as it began to rage,
swirling around him in a fury; the fog lifted from his thoughts. He took a deep
breath.
Kurama, in his arms, wasn't moving at all. His youki and reiki were nearly
gone.
"Ku-Kurama?"
"He's dying, Hiei."
Panic edged Hiei's voice. "N-no, this isn't-"
"Push your youki into him!"
"H-how?"
"Just do it!"
Hiei put one hand over Kurama's fluttering human heart. He drew his youki down,
strange black flecked with white, and pressed it into Kurama's skin.
Kurama groaned, cringing away from Hiei. A strange pressure turned Hiei's youki
away.
He won't let me!
He's pushing me away!
"Kurama!"
Kurama opened his blood-lined eyes and had the audacity to smile. "Hiei," he
breathed, thick and wet.
"Kurama! Let me!"
Kurama shook his head. "…promised." He coughed blood. "…can't let you die…"
"I'm not going to die!" Tears formed in Hiei's eyes. "Don't you dare fucking
leave me!"
Kurama wetly laughed; he coughed again, and more blood drooled from the corners
of his mouth. "You were… one leaving…"
Hiei's hands clutched at Kurama's shoulder and chest. "Kurama!"
Kurama turned his face away. Blood trickled freely from his closed eyes.
"Kurama! I… You know I…" Hiei took a deep breath. He gathered his youki behind
him, at the ready. He found one of Kurama's hands and wound their fingers
together. "Please."
Kurama looked up at him, eyes soft and warm and loving. His breath was
stuttered. "I… l-love-"
Hiei leaned down and pressed his lips to Kurama's. He could taste blood and
ash.
He felt the shift in Kurama's heart as Kurama sighed into his mouth. With all
his will behind it, Hiei slammed every last shred of his youki, their youki,
into Kurama.
Kurama screamed.
 
——
 
Yusuke stared in horror.
Kurama was wailing, this terrible horrible sound wrenching from his throat that
was nothing like the cries Yusuke had heard from him before. This was suffering
in its purest form, something that stole all of Yusuke's attention and made his
blood thunder in his veins.
Yusuke looked at Genkai. Her hands were behind her back again as she watched,
passionless.
Beside him, Kuwabara was stiff and silent, eyes wide.
Kurama writhed, and Hiei tried to hang on to him and keep Kurama in his lap.
Kurama's hands wrapped around Hiei's forearm, hard enough that Yusuke could see
the sheen of bright bruises already forming, beneath the white of Kurama's
knuckles. Hiei himself was shaking, his mouth open wide.
Yusuke stepped forward tentatively.
"What am I doing wrong?!" Hiei shouted over Kurama's scream. He hugged Kurama
tight against himself, but couldn't keep him still.
"Your youki is flowing into his," Genkai shouted back. "You're devouring him,
pushing his youki aside with your own. Don't you remember how it feels?"
Hiei looked up at her, his eyes wide and terrified, hirui stones rolling down
his cheeks.
Kurama's screams quieted, and he lay boneless and panting in Hiei's arms.
"Kurama? Kurama?!" Hiei pulled Kurama closer; their arms wrapped around each
other.
Genkai took a step closer to them. "Hiei, you have to-"
Hiei gasped, and stilled. Kurama sat up with a groan, his wild eyes staring at
Hiei as he doubled over.
"Ba-san?"
Genkai glanced at Yusuke and Kuwabara; they shuffled to stand closer to her.
"It's a balance," she said, to no one. "Kurama has no youki left, so Hiei's
youki is filling that vacuum. However," she turned back to the couple on the
floor, "that leaves Hiei with the loss."
The hair on the back of Yusuke's neck rose. "What are you-"
Hiei curled up on himself, groaning through his teeth.
"Kurama devours Hiei, Hiei devours Kurama. There already existed a pathway from
Kurama to Hiei, stronger to weaker. A promise of protection. If Hiei loses his
youki, Kurama's youki will seek him out, to replenish him." She sighed. "And
just now, Hiei has created the same pathway from himself to Kurama."
Hiei was shaking. Kurama brushed trembling fingers on Hiei's cheek. "Hiei, no…"
he whispered.
"So… now Kurama's youki…"
Genkai nodded. "Their youki are completely mixed at this point. It will
separate as it moves between them, leaving a little more of Hiei's youki with
Hiei and a little more of Kurama's youki with Kurama. Kurama's youki will
replenish, which will make the process easier. Eventually, a balance will be
reached." She frowned. "Eventually."
As if on cue, Hiei sagged forward over Kurama, gasping for breath, and Kurama's
cries filled the hall again.
Genkai turned to Yusuke. "This will take some time, and there's nothing we can
do but wait. Go make me tea, Yusuke."
Chapter End Notes
     I am working on a potential sequel to this (because I can't let go)
     but I'm unsure yet whether it'll actually be worth releasing or not.
     I have to see.
     After this part is released, I have a few one-shots I'll be putting
     up. Y'all are gonna get so sick of me. ;P
***** Chapter 13 *****
Chapter Summary
     You mean things don't just magically get easier?
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
This is surreal.
Hiei stared at Kurama, his chest rising and falling slowly.
Kurama was unconscious. Hiei didn't know how many cycles of uncontrolled
devouring they'd gone through when Kurama had simply gone limp in Hiei's arms
and didn't move again, or how many more passed as Hiei struggled to stay on top
of the fire and honey rushing through him.
Hiei's skin ached, his head throbbed, his senses dulled. One wrong move and he
thought he might shatter. He felt delicate as eggshell.
Together, Yusuke and Kuwabara had cleaned Kurama. Hiei had watched from the
doorway as Kuwabara undressed Kurama from his sweated, bloodied clothing.
Yusuke had washed him with a cloth on the bathroom floor until the water no
longer ran pink. Together, they'd manhandled Kurama into one of his own
sweaters and a pair of soft pants Kuwabara found somewhere.
They'd had lain Kurama on a futon in a room Hiei didn't recognize, and covered
him with a blanket.
"Hiei?"
Hiei blinked.
I drowned Kurama.
"Why don't you come sit with him?"
Beneath his skin he could feel remnants of that white youki; he could taste
honey on his tongue.
Yusuke was alongside him then, helping him rise to his feet. Hiei let Yusuke
lead him into the room.
I… drowned him.
Before them, Kurama slept, peaceful. His color had returned, though his hair
was still unkempt, damp from their ministrations.
I drowned him.
Yusuke guided Hiei to kneel beside the bed. "I'll leave you two alone. We're
going to go see if Ba-san needs anything, but we'll be back soon, alright? We
gotta get you cleaned up too."
Maybe this isn't real either.
Maybe this is another Territory.
Maybe Higashiyama isn't even real.
Yusuke mussed Hiei's matted hair and vanished.
Maybe none of it has been real.
Hiei reached forward weakly. His fingers, dark with dried blood, laced through
one of the locks of hair framing Kurama's face. He tugged. Kurama slept on. The
hair in Hiei's hand was heavy, warm.
So what if it isn't real?
Does it matter?
He leaned over Kurama. There were lines and dark shadows under his eyes that
hadn't been there before. His lips were soft and red, but not with blood.
I kissed him, didn't I?
He tugged on Kurama's hair again.
I did this to him.
He thought of Kurama, his eyes streaked with blood and fresh tears, fury and
despair on his face.
All of this is my fault.
Kurama escaped the Territory by himself, because he trusted me, and he knew I
could never be cruel to him. He trusted me so much he knew that it wasn't real.
Hiei's hand withdrew, and he hugged his arms around himself.
But I don't trust him, do I?
If I did, would I have been able to escape the Territory by myself, as he did?
He thought of Kurama's golden eyes, slits of pleasure, the lie of gentleness in
his smile as he tore into Hiei, rending him from himself.
Do I expect everyone to turn on me?
I don't trust any of them, do I?
He thought of Yusuke, on the branch before him, his eyes wet, agreeing to kill
Hiei after having saved him.
But I do. I do trust them.
It felt true.
Hiei wondered.
When did I start trusting them?
He thought of Kurama, standing over him, his face soft and honest with love and
pride and pleasure, his hand cupping Hiei's face as Hiei screamed at his feet.
That doesn't mean I'm not afraid of them though.
I don't expect they'll turn on me. But I am afraid of it.
He sighed.
"Kurama," he whispered.
Kurama slept on. His face was relaxed, peaceful.
I should have been able to talk to him.
I shouldn't have been afraid of him.
Or rather, I shouldn't have let my fear of him guide me.
Hasn't he shown me what he is?
What he's willing to do for me?
Am I always going to be this worthless?
Hiei took hold of one of Kurama's warm, dry hands. He laced his small fingers
among Kurama's. Kurama's skin was clean; there was blood under Hiei's
fingernails.
Always different.
Kurama's hands are cool on Hiei's chest, and through the touch, Hiei can feel
Kurama tremble. He is shouting, eyes flashing with fury and concern. Hiei
stares at him. He is beautiful and Hiei's heart is an agony of love and sorrow.
His chest was aching.
It shouldn't have come to this.
I did this to him.
Worthless.
He rubbed the pad of his thumb over Kurama's knuckles.
Kurama is here because of me.
He's unconscious, in this bed, because of me.
He suffered because of me.
I'm sorry, Kurama.
 
——
 
Hiei still sat at Kurama's side. Neither had moved for the entire day. Yusuke
slid the door shut again.
"Still can't fucking believe this," Kuwabara muttered in Yusuke's ear as they
went back down the hall.
"Yeah. Fucking horrible." Yusuke shuddered. "It's like a bad joke."
"That just means tomorrow has to be better, right?"
"Don't say that, you'll curse it."
Kuwabara pushed open the kitchen door.
Yusuke flopped in one of the kitchen chairs. "Hey, uh, Kuwabara?"
From inside the refrigerator, Kuwabara grunted.
"How did you know to come? You said you were gonna stay home and study today."
Kuwabara peered at him over the refrigerator door. He had an odd expression.
"Kuwabara?"
"You know, I figured it out on my way over here," Kuwabara said. He went back
to rifling through the fridge. He straightened, bringing two convenience store
bowls of cold soba. He dropped one in front of Yusuke and sat in the other
chair.
"Figured what out?"
"Why Hiei's so fucking weird around Yukina."
Yusuke froze, his hands about to break apart the chopsticks.
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" Kuwabara hissed.
"He said he'd kill us if we told her."
"What about me, you dick? Why couldn't you tell me?!"
"He didn't want anyone knowing. Botan and I only knew because of the fucking
video-"
"You're a fucking asshole, Urameshi," Kuwabara snapped. He shoveled soba into
his mouth, swallowed loudly, and pointed his chopsticks at him. "A fucking
asshole."
"So… Yukina knew?"
Kuwabara glared down at his soba. "Yeah. She knew. She told me to get my ass
over here and save him."
"So she knows."
"You know, I think that's a pretty safe guess, Urameshi."
Yusuke sighed. He stirred the noodles.
"Urameshi-"
"Can you not mention this to him?"
"To who? The shrimp?"
"Yeah."
"She's his fucking sister, Urameshi. What is his goddamn problem?"
Yusuke swirled sauce over the soba. "I… I don't know. There's something he's
not saying-"
"Oh, that's new," Kuwabara snapped.
"But he really doesn't want her to know."
"She's not stupid." Kuwabara snorted. "I guess he's the dumb twin."
"Yeah." Yusuke looked up. "Hey, Kuwabara. I'm sorry. I would have told you but-
"
"Homicidal shrimp. I get it."
"You're not gonna be weird around her now, are you?"
Kuwabara recoiled. "How could I! Yukina is pure and perfect! Clearly she got
all the good genes."
Yusuke found himself smiling. "Yeah, I guess so."
"What a prick," Kuwabara growled. "She's been talking about looking for her
fucking brother, and this whole time-"
Yusuke stirred his soba more, thinking. "She must know he has his reasons for
not saying anything."
"She's considerate like that."
They ate in silence.
"So that means Hiei's gonna be your brother-in-law," Yusuke muttered.
"Fuck you, Urameshi."
"He's grown on you."
"Like mold."
Yusuke snorted.
Kuwabara pushed his empty bowl away. "So, what's the plan now?"
"Look, Hiei hasn't eaten since yesterday, and he wouldn't clean himself up, so
he's a mess. I'm gonna drag him over here and get him to eat something, and
you're gonna see if you can't wake up Sleeping Beauty." Yusuke stood,
stretching, and opened the fridge. "After that, washing up, then I dunno. I'm
really tired. It's early, but I'm ready for bed."
"Do you think he's gonna sleep there or with you?"
Yusuke sighed. "I'm… gonna try to get him to stay with me. I think he needs
time, and honestly if I leave him with Kurama, he's just gonna do what he's
done all day and spend the whole night staring at him instead of sleeping."
Kuwabara snorted. "Yeah, you're probably right."
Yusuke found a large hunk of strawberry shortcake in a paper bag marked 'BOTAN
ONLY OR ELSE.' "He'll eat this, right?"
"What is it, strawberry? Yeah, he'll like that."
"Great." Yusuke leered at him. "Ooh, you know your brother-in-law real well,
don't you?"
"I swear, Urameshi, I'll kick your ass if you keep this shit up."
Yusuke laughed.
"Anyway, what do you want me to do with Sleeping Beauty if he does wake up?"
"Shower, food, bed, I guess. We’ll stay aware of each other and keep them from
meeting."
Kuwabara gave him a salute as Yusuke left to fetch Hiei.
 
——
 
Hiei didn't resist when Yusuke gently tugged him away from Kurama's side. His
head lowered, he let Yusuke lead him by the wrist to the little kitchen.
He sat, and Yusuke put the plate in front of him.
Maybe bath first would have been a better idea.
Hiei was simply filthy, covered in blood, his hair matted with it and face
lined with red streaks. There was some sort of strange black on his face as
well, stemming from the Jagan.
Fuck, Hiei.
You really don't fuck around when you want to do something, do you?
All or nothing.
Hiei stared at the cake.
"Hiei, you have to eat."
He said nothing.
"Hiei-"
"How did you know?"
"Know where you were?"
Hiei's voice hardened. "Know to come."
"I could feel your youki. It felt like… I don't know. It felt like you were…"
Like you were dying.
I'm really glad Ba-san didn't go to Reikai.
Hiei glared at him.
"Like you were being attacked, or something."
Hiei's eyes narrowed. "You were supposed to be asleep."
Yusuke tamped down his irritation. "Yeah, well, maybe it doesn't work if you
don't actually bite the leaves."
Hiei said nothing. He looked back down at the cake, unseeing.
What the fuck, Hiei?!
"What the fuck, Hiei?"
Hiei looked up at him, eyes flashing.
"Is this… what you've been feeling the whole time? Just waiting for all of us
to be distracted so you could go off and… and…" Yusuke shook his head. "What
the fuck, Hiei?!"
Hiei looked away.
"And what about Kurama? You were just going to… What do you think would have
happened to Kurama if he hadn't gotten there in time? If… If-"
"You don't know what you're talking about," Hiei growled.
"I'm pretty sure I do! If you… if you've been feeling like this-"
"Shut up!" Hiei was on his feet. Electricity crackled along his shoulders.
Yusuke resisted the instinct to back up.
His youki is…
Holy shit, how is he stronger?!
How is he this much stronger?!
Hiei's chest was heaving. "You don't get to decide for me. What I do is for me
to decide!"
Yusuke glared at him. "No one's trying to decide for you, you asshole!" he
shouted.
They glared at each other.
Sighing, Yusuke's shoulders fell. "Just… none of us want to see you die. I
don't want to see you die."
Hiei's breath was fast and tight. "You don't get to decide for me," he gasped.
Yusuke took a step closer to Hiei.
Hiei stepped back, pressing his back against the kitchen wall. "You don't get
to decide for me," Hiei hissed, but there was a weakness there, beneath his
anger.
"No one's deciding anything for you," Yusuke said softly. He reached out and
took Hiei's hand from the wall.
There was dried blood under Hiei's fingernails and sprinkled over the back of
his hand.
Yusuke squeezed Hiei's hand. "I'm glad Kurama was there to stop you. From what
Genkai was saying, I wouldn't have been able to help at all."
Hiei tried to snatch his hand back, but Yusuke held his wrist tight.
"Let go of me," he snarled.
"Hiei, people care about you. They love you."
Hiei bared his teeth, but his hand in Yusuke's was already twitching. "I don't
need your sentimentality."
Yusuke smiled at him, and Hiei blanched.
You're here.
You're still alive.
"Hiei."
"What?! Let go!"
Yusuke's voice was soft. "I'm really glad Kurama was able to save you."
Hiei's eyes were overwide. "Shut up! You're being weird!" He tried to pull
away, but Yusuke still wouldn't let him go.
"Hiei."
"Stop talking to me! Let me go!"
Yusuke pulled him away from the wall; Hiei stumbled forward. His eyes were
panicked, his cheeks white beneath dried blood.
Yusuke knew Hiei was a half-moment away from bolting.
His hands tightened around Hiei's wrist.
"You're my friend, Hiei, and if you had died I don't know what I would have
done."
Hiei stared at him in horror. "What are you-"
Yusuke wrapped his arms around Hiei. Hiei squirmed, shrilling protest, but
Yusuke held him firm, hugging him tight. "I'm really glad you're alive, Hiei."
"Let me go!" Hiei cried. "Do you want to die?! Get off!"
"I'm so sorry, Hiei," Yusuke continued, ignoring him. "I'm sorry I didn't
realize what you were going to do. I'm sorry I didn't know. I'm sorry I wasn't
there for you."
"If you don't get-"
Yusuke's arms tightened. "I'm really glad Kurama was there." He leaned back,
still holding Hiei captive, staring down at Hiei's face.
Even though he spends time with us, does he understand that he's part of our
family?
That losing him would be just as terrible as losing any other one of us?
Does he know he can rely on us?
That needing us isn't weakness?
Yusuke squeezed him once more before letting Hiei go.
Hiei stared at him, frozen in place.
Yusuke wiped the wet from his eyes on the back of his hand.
Hiei frowned at him. He went down on his haunches against the wall again,
hugging his arms around himself.
But he's not running.
Yusuke crouched in front of him. "Hiei, what you're going through… it's not
okay. You're hurting, and you're not getting better."
Hiei glared up at him, his eyes still lined with blood. "Are you stupid? Do you
think I don't know that?!"
"But you're not alone, Hiei. We're here for you. Won't you let us help you?"
"I can't!" Hiei snapped. He stared up at Yusuke, eyes wide, as if just then
realizing what he had admitted to. "I… I can't."
Yusuke reached out; when Hiei didn't move away, he put his hand on Hiei's
filthy hair. He stroked it back out of Hiei's face, away from the always-open
Jagan. "Why not?"
He didn't catch what Hiei muttered.
"What?"
"I… I don't know."
Yusuke shook his head. "But Hiei-"
"I… don't know… how to…" Hiei drifted off. "I can't. I… I can't."
"Hiei-"
"I'm not a fucking child, Yusuke," he whispered, his voice near breaking. "I
don't need… I'm not…" He scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand. "I'm
not afraid of anything. I'm not."
He keeps saying that.
"Hiei-"
"I can't do this, Yusuke," Hiei whispered. He hunkered down until he was little
more than a ball. "I can't. I can't. You don't…" He buried his face in his
arms. "I can't."
"Hey," Yusuke went and crouched against the wall next to him. "You don't have
to do this alone, Hiei. We're here."
Hiei shook his head emphatically.
"Look, don't you think it… might help to… I don't know, bleed it out?"
Hiei snorted. He looked up at Yusuke. His eyes were hard. "You mean talk." His
voice was muffled by his arms.
"Well, yeah."
Hiei shook his head. "I can't."
"Why not?"
Hiei's breath was shaky. "I…"
"Hey, what if I ask you stuff, and you tell me?"
"Fuck off, Yusuke."
"C'mon. You know it'll help. You know talking to Genkai helps, right?"
"Tch."
"What if I just… ask you things? You don't have to tell me anything you don't
want to. Just talking. About silly things. Like, so when we were talking about
Keiko, you said we got udon together?"
Hiei didn't reply.
"If what we know about Higashiyama is right, that means that you'd had udon
before."
Hiei nodded weakly. "Kurama… took me. Last year."
Holy shit!
I didn't know that!
Was it like… a date?
Forcing his voice to stay casual even though he felt a surge of joy and warmth
in his chest at the very idea of Kurama and Hiei dating, Yusuke nodded. "So how
was the udon with Keiko?"
"It wasn't only her," Hiei growled. "It was you and Kuwabara. And Keiko."
"Oh yeah?"
"You… made me go with you. We… went to a restaurant."
"Which one?"
Hiei grimaced. "The covered street."
"Sun Road?"
"How should I know?!"
"And you had udon?"
"Yes." Hiei's arms tightened around himself. "Then… Kurama called me." He put
his face in his hands. "You didn't want me to go, but…"
"You had to."
Hiei nodded.
"Hiei-"
"That was the first time he…" Hiei pressed the heels of his hands against his
eyes. "He was angry," Hiei whispered. "Angry I'd been with you. Angry that I…
resisted him. He…" Hiei dragged in air, shaking. "Is this really supposed to
help?" he snarled through his hands.
 
——
 
Hiei.
Kurama sat up. His vision exploded in a shower of sparkling light.
"Hey."
Kurama looked up. "Kuwabara," he said softly.
Kuwabara watched him for a long moment. Then he leaned to the side and looked
at something behind Kurama. "You okay?"
His chest on fire, Kurama nearly collapses against the counter. He knows Hiei
is dying, and he knows, immediately and with precise and absolute clarity, that
he will die before he lets that happen.
Kurama closed his eyes.
"How you feeling?"
Blood runs down Hiei's face, but it's the open sorrow there that breaks
Kurama's heart as he falls to his knees before him. Their eyes meet, for the
first time since that chance encounter in the hall: for the first time since
long before Higashiyama, Kurama and Hiei see one another. He knows Hiei sees
the love laid bare in Kurama's eyes, and his responding nod breaks Kurama's
heart.
"Tired."
Kuwabara nodded. "Time to get up though. You gotta eat, take a shower, and get
back in bed."
"Oh?"
"Yup. Urameshi's orders."
"I'm taking orders from Yusuke now?"
Kuwabara's eyes flashed. "Yeah, you are. Urameshi's in charge of taking care of
both of you two. He has a plan."
Kurama looked down. "I'm sorry. You're right. I… trust Yusuke."
Kuwabara stood. "Great. Hope you like convenience store food."
 
——
 
Yusuke blinked as he woke.
In his arms, Hiei was sobbing, curled in on himself.
Yusuke shifted, drawing Hiei closer to him, until Hiei's back lay tight against
Yusuke's chest; his body curled, further encircling Hiei. His arms tightened
around Hiei's chest, and he buried his face in the top of Hiei's hair.
Hiei continued to cry in silence.
 
——
 
Hiei glared out from the towel still draped over his head.
Yusuke ignored him. He drank the rest of the miso broth. “So you’re not gonna
eat?”
“Water isn’t food,” Hiei snarled.
"It's soup, not water." Yusuke pointed at him with chopsticks as he reached for
his rice; he shoved a huge ball of rice in his mouth. "I don't think I've ever
seen you eat anything that wasn't just sugar." He swallowed. "Wait, you know
what soup is! You like udon! That's soup!"
Hiei snorted. "The soft bread from yesterday."
Yusuke chewed. "What, the cake?"
Hiei nodded. He leapt up and crouched on the table, glaring down at Yusuke. "I
want it."
Yusuke took another mouthful of rice. "I'm not buying you cake at seven o'clock
in the morning."
Hiei glared at him.
"Seriously, I'm not-"
"Udon then."
Yusuke watched him. "It's too early for udon. Nowhere'll even be open."
Hiei clenched his fists. "Why are you making this so fucking hard?!"
Yusuke blinked. "What do you-"
Hiei leaned forward over Yusuke's soup and grabbed a fistful of Yusuke's shirt.
"I'm leaving. You're coming with. We are getting food. Do you understand, or do
I need to use smaller words?"
 
——
 
By ten, Yusuke was starting to get frustrated.
Hiei had made him find the udon place he'd gone to with Kurama, and after way
too much time wandering around to Hiei's hodgepodge of unhelpful directions,
they'd found it. It turned out to not even be a udon shop at all, but a Chinese
restaurant. They'd stood outside for a good ten minutes, Yusuke leaning against
a wall, Hiei standing a foot in front of him, glaring at the window until an
early-shift worker came out and asked if everything was alright.
From there, Yusuke dragged Hiei down the rest of Sun Road and out into the
city. Hiei had seemed vaguely interested by the train station, so they'd gone
and watched the salary workers and office ladies and high school students and
grandmothers go in and out. It had taken much longer than Yusuke had expected
for Hiei to get sick of human-watching. After a half hour, Hiei had turned and
stalked away without a word.
Yusuke had followed behind him, hands in his pockets, as Hiei walked through
what felt like the entirety of the city, staring at the ground as he walked.
After a fucking hour, Hiei had stopped in front of a bench on the walkway
beside the river, so suddenly that Yusuke had nearly walked into him, and sat,
facing the other side of the river. So Yusuke had sat.
That had been an hour ago.
Yusuke glanced at him: Hiei sat beside him, his legs tucked up against his
chest, staring at nothing.
"Hey-"
"What time is it?"
Yusuke glanced at his watch. "Eleven."
Fucking eleven?! Goddamn it, Hiei, what the fuck are we-
Hiei looked up at him; his eyes glinted with what might have been amusement as
he stood. "Is it still too early for udon?"
Chapter End Notes
     I can't believe it's gonna end soon. It's been three months now since
     I started this, and it'll be over in a week (if I don't post a
     sequel). Holy crap.
***** Chapter 14 *****
Chapter Summary
     Yusuke would do anything for his friends.
Chapter Notes
     Up later than I wanted! Sorry!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Hiei leaned against Yusuke's back.
"He's okay," Kuwabara said, his voice small and tinny through the phone tucked
between Yusuke's head and shoulder; he dug through a pocket for more coins.
"Tired, mostly. He's getting antsy though."
"Yeah, I bet he is," Yusuke replied. He fed more coins into the box. "Just keep
him there. I'll call in a couple hours or when we're on our way back, whichever
comes first."
"Sure," Kuwabara replied. There was a strange pause. When Kuwabara spoke again,
his voice was lower, but still perfectly clear to Hiei. "How's the shrimp?"
Hiei smirked. He elbowed Yusuke's hip.
Yusuke kicked him. "He's okay. We're gonna go get udon."
"Udon?"
"Yeah, don't ask."
"No worse for wear though?"
Yusuke looked over his shoulder. Hiei looked up at him. "I dunno. I'm not gonna
say yesterday was okay, but he seems more…"
"More what?" Hiei muttered.
"I think he wants to try," Yusuke said softly.
Hiei sighed.
Try.
"That's good." There was a strange rustling sound. "Oh, Yukina called after you
all left."
Yusuke stiffened. "Tell me later."
"Are you sure? She just-"
"I said tell me later!" Yusuke snapped.
Kuwabara was quiet. Then, "He's right there, isn't he?"
"Yup."
"Goddamn it, Urameshi!"
Yusuke laughed. "Anyway, I'm fucking starving because someone needed to walk
fucking forever this morning. I'll call."
"We'll be here," Kuwabara growled.
Yusuke dropped the phone onto a little metal handle. He turned.
Hiei snarled at him. "Why is he talking about Yukina?"
"Don't fucking start with me, Hiei," Yusuke said. He reached out and grabbed
Hiei's collar and dragged him across the street. Hiei let himself be dragged.
"I'm starving. We're getting some goddamn udon."
 
——
 
Hiei had pointed to two different udon in the menu and let Yusuke order them.
This early, there was only a single other patron in the restaurant.
"Does your brother want a drink?"
Hiei, smartly enough, kept his head turned away.
"Uh, just… water's fine, I guess," Yusuke said after a moment.
The waitress smiled at him, took the menus, and left.
"Brother?" Hiei said softly when she was gone.
"I dunno. People make assumptions. Easier to let 'em think whatever they want.
No harm in it."
Hiei frowned down at the table.
The waitress returned with Yusuke's coke and Hiei's water, and, giving Yusuke
that same smile, left.
Yusuke sipped his coke.
"It's called imiko," Hiei said after another long pause.
"What is?"
"Me."
Yusuke looked up and met Hiei's eyes.
"The kourime only have daughters." His face was blank, but his youki moved
calmly. "When a son is born, it's abomination. Kouridan aren't natural. So,
imiko."
"I have no idea what you're saying," Yusuke replied.
Hiei's jaw clenched. "My mother was Yukina's mother. Hina. She was kourime, an
ice maiden, like Yukina. But because I am male, I can't very well be an ice
maiden, a kourime, can I?"
Yusuke nodded. "Guess not."
"So I'm what's called imiko. Imiko are dangerous. They have two natures: what
their blood should be, and its opposite. So because my mother was kourime, my
nature is both ice and fire."
Yusuke nodded. "Seiryu's ice didn't hurt you."
"No, it didn't. Nor would Toya's."
Yusuke hummed. "Interesting." He sipped his coke. "Why are you telling me
this?"
"When we came here, you asked me how to tell how old a youkai is," Hiei said.
He didn't look away. "You asked how to tell how old 'my people,' the fire
youkai, are."
"Ah." Yusuke leaned back in his booth; he slung his arm over the back of the
bench. "So you're telling me because I didn't know."
"Yes."
"So the hirui stones…?"
"Yes."
"What else can you do that's a kourime thing?"
Hiei watched him. "Ice doesn't hurt me. My body heals faster whether on its own
or by being healed. My tears become hirui stones." He inclined his head and
smirked. "My fires are stronger because of my ice nature. I can draw out cold
while pushing fire. But other than that, there's nothing else that I've
discovered."
"So how do you tell how old a youkai is?"
"Most of the time, you don't. Age is irrelevant. Power is all that matters."
Yusuke snorted. "I guess that's true."
"Besides," Hiei stretched, "weak youkai don't live very long."
"Good point. What did you mean 'most of the time' though?"
"Ask," he swallowed, eyes flashing, "K-Kurama how many tails-"
The waitress returned with four bowls of udon, placing two before each of them.
After making sure they needed nothing else, she left.
"Looks good," Yusuke murmured.
They ate in silence.
As Yusuke finished his second bowl, he looked up. Hiei was pushing the last few
noodles around in his second bowl.
"What else did we talk about here?"
"Nothing," Hiei said softly. "You and Kuwabara and Keiko did all the talking."
He looked up, eyes flashing. "You actually specifically told me not to talk
since I 'don't know how to act in public.'"
Yusuke winced. "That's mean."
"Yes." Hiei looked back down. "But true."
"I don't think so."
"Tch." Hiei sat back.
Yusuke drank the rest of his soda while Hiei sank back into silence.
He's trying.
I'm not surewhathe's trying, but he's trying.
Is this supposed to make it clear that those things he went through didn't
happen?
Or to explain…
Hiei looked up and met Yusuke's eyes again. "After we finished eating, Kuwabara
headed to his home, and we walked Keiko to her home. Then you and I went back
to Genkai's."
Yusuke nodded. He leaned forward onto the table.
"We were outside. You talked to me about," Hiei swallowed, "Zeru. And Sensui.
You said that me fighting Zeru was easy, but if you had fought Zeru, it would
have been harder. You said that Sensui had been hard for you to fight because
his fighting style took advantage of your weaknesses." Hiei's eyes darkened.
"You said Kurama was taking advantage of my weaknesses. You said you would help
me if I asked."
Yusuke nodded. The waitress came and took the bowls, and, smiling again at
Yusuke, said to take their time.
Hiei watched her go.
"You wanna stay?"
Hiei shook his head once, sharply.
"Okay, let's go."
 
——
 
Hiei had led him away from Sun Road by some circuitous path; eventually they
came back to the river. They followed alongside until the first bridge, then
crossed and headed into a residential neighborhood.
Yusuke watched Hiei. His shoulders were too tight, and his reactions to the
sounds and movements around them too quick, but the panic in his youki had
mostly quieted.
Why?
Why are you this calm after everything that happened yesterday?
Hiei turned onto a side street, past a small whiskey bar and a salon. The
street turned into a hill surrounded by modern-style apartment buildings, then
curved to show-
A huge shrine on a tiny plot of land.
Hiei led him up to the gate, waited for Yusuke to bow, and led him inside. They
passed the fountain and the small building selling charms. Up a hill they went,
following a mulched path to a small wooded area, with a small picnic table.
Hiei leapt up and crouched on the table. Yusuke sat, leaning against to the
tabletop, looking down into the shrine complex.
"I had no idea this was even here."
Hiei didn't reply.
"Do you come here often?"
"No. Just a few times."
"This is close to Kurama's house, isn't it?"
"Yes," Hiei said softly.
Yusuke reached up blindly; after a moment, Hiei took his hand. "You wanna sit
next to me?" he said; from his seat, he could see a small playground tucked in
the corner of the complex. A few mothers stood together watching their toddlers
play.
Hiei slipped down and sat next to Yusuke. Yusuke put his arm over Hiei's
shoulder, and Hiei leaned in on him.
They watched the toddlers.
Hiei took a deep breath.
Yusuke squeezed his shoulder.
You can do this, Hiei.
"Kurama… called me," Hiei said softly. "He had drowned me successfully twice by
then, so I… knew that he needed me. He could make me know that he needed me."
He looked down.
Twice?
But when he was drunk on dream-ravage, he said it was dozens of times.
So many he couldn't really count them all.
So that means-
Yusuke's stomach knotted.
"And you went."
Hiei nodded. "I… had to." His eyebrows knit together. "It's… not a pain. It's…"
He fell into a restless silence.
One of the children down at the playground fell and began to cry.
"I can't explain it."
"It's okay."
Hiei's youki had started to boil onto itself. "I went. Kurama was…" He took a
steadying breath and closed his eyes. "He was annoyed because I'd left and I'd
been with you and Kuwabara and I'd refused him the day before when he'd…"
"The day before?"
Hiei took another breath. "He had tried to d-drown me and I didn't want it," he
said softly. "So I had b-burned my youki to keep him from taking it."
"You burned it? Like yesterday?"
"Y-yes." Hiei hugged his legs against his chest. "But I…" He swallowed. "I
almost died. Maybe," he lowered his head. "Maybe I should have, but the T-T-
Territory…"
Yusuke hugged him closer.
"To f-fix my youki, he had to d-drown me again," Hiei said in a small voice.
Like how he had to devour Kurama yesterday.
"And then he…" Hiei's youki churned. "But after the udon, he… he didn't need me
to accept being d-d-drowned." He covered his face with his hands. "He could
just…"
God fucking damn it.
So much happened to you.
With all this in you, no wonder yesterday you…
"He was frustrated with me. He w-wanted m-me to…" His voice tightened to a hard
whisper. "I can't."
"You don't have to, Hiei."
"I do." Hiei shuddered. He covered his face with his hands. "He wanted… things
from me. But I refused. And he… he drowned me. But it…" Hiei sank in on
himself. "It was meant to hurt."
Yusuke closed his eyes.
He fucking tortured you.
This is what you were afraid of, Hiei?
Of Kurama torturing you?
What do you see in Kurama that I don't?
Why is this something you could believe?!
"He said things, about… how I was… The day before I was…" Hiei swayed. "I can't
do this, Yusuke. What's wrong with me?"
"You don't have to, Hiei."
"I can't do it."
"It's okay." Yusuke's hand stroked Hiei's shoulder. "You're okay. You're safe."
For a while they listened to the children play. Distantly, they heard the
ringing of a bell, the sound of prayer.
"He…" Hiei shivered. "He said I loved him, that I wanted him," Hiei snarled,
shaking. "I said I didn't. He… He kept saying these things, and I…" He touched
his cheek, over the slight pinkness that remained. "He hit me. He wanted me to
say that I loved him, but I c-couldn't. I wouldn't." He looked down. "He said I
was confused, that I… maybe I couldn't say I loved him, but I…"
Yusuke wanted to murder something.
I don't even understand half of what he's saying.
But it doesn't matter.
This isn't about me.
This is about him bleeding this out.
Yusuke squeezed Hiei's shoulder.
He should have never gone through this.
He could feel his youkai blood raging.
He knew with a slight push in the right direction, he could destroy everything.
It wasn't Kurama.
Hiei was there a month.
It was something else.
A fear of a fear of a fear.
It wasn't our Kurama.
Ba-san said it evolved. It got worse as his fears changed.
But doesn't this say something about Kurama?
Yusuke swallowed down his fury.
Don't start thinking like that.
It won't lead anywhere good.
"He said that even if I couldn't say I loved him, I had to admit I needed him."
Yusuke took a deep breath.
Hiei laughed, low and soft and broken. "I said, 'Need isn't love.'"
Yusuke knew Hiei could feel his rage. Softly, Yusuke hugged Hiei closer still.
"Then he put a vine around my neck," Hiei's hands lifted to his throat, "and he
d-d-drowned me again and asked me if I…"
When you were drunk on dream-ravage, you kept strangling yourself.
God fucking damn it, Hiei.
'Need isn't love.'
Yusuke closed his eyes.
This is unreal.
Fucking unreal.
This is so incredibly fucked up.
How did you survive?!
"'Do you love the air or need it?' And he kept," Hiei was crying now, into his
hands, "he kept ch-choking me until I… I couldn't breathe and if I… if I d-
didn't just say it… I couldn't… I had to…"
Yusuke grabbed him, and dragged him into his lap. Hiei sobbed into his
shoulder.
 
——
 
Hiei's eyes had long since lost their sharpness; he stared off into the
twilight, his eyes blank.
His youki was as still as ice.
Yusuke's mouth was full of his own blood from biting the insides of his cheeks
and his tongue.
"It was the first time," even more hirui stones fell down into Yusuke's shirt,
and Hiei's voice was little more than a whisper, "and it hurt… so much… I
didn't know it could hurt… so much… He was so angry, and his eyes were gold."
He swayed a little, and Yusuke held him steady. "Youko."
Yusuke sucked at the wounds in his mouth and hugged Hiei tight.
 
——
 
"But why was she upset?"
"Because," Hiei whispered. His head lolled on Yusuke's shoulder. His breath
warmed Yusuke's neck. "Because it was Kurama's fault, and Genkai thought it
wasn't fair for me to die because Kurama had destroyed me."
"But it wasn't her choice to make."
"No, and I told her that." Hiei shivered. He trembled. He leaned back, gasping
for breath. "And that's it. Then I woke up here."
Yusuke held him.
Hiei didn't weigh nearly anything at all.
He stared, unseeing, up at the night sky. "Now you know everything."
"Yeah," Yusuke said softly. He shifted his arms a little and Hiei put his head
back down on Yusuke's shoulder.
There were no lights down in the shrine area, but the lights of the apartment
buildings and shops beyond the complex made shadows of buildings and trees loom
inwards.
The inside of Yusuke's mouth ached.
His head ached.
His heart, or whatever his youkai counterpart was, ached.
"Yusuke," Hiei whispered; despite the fact that his mouth was nearly touching
Yusuke's ear, Yusuke barely heard him.
"Yeah?"
"Promise me."
Yusuke's arms tightened; Hiei's shoulder dug into his sharply. "Promise you
what?"
"I know how to write the seal. Promise me."
Promise to kill you.
Yusuke closed his eyes. "Hiei, I can't. I know in the Territory-"
"I don't know if I can do this, Yusuke," Hiei whispered. "But I want to try."
He curled inwards, raising his legs; Yusuke's arm shifted to hug around Hiei's
thighs, pulling him against his chest.
Despite the still summer air and Hiei's natural heat, Yusuke felt a chill.
Hiei shifted; his nose brushed against the side of Yusuke's neck. "I want to
try, but if I can't, you have to promise me."
"Hiei-"
"Promise me, Yusuke," Hiei whispered, urgency speeding his words. "You have to
promise me."
"And if I don't?"
Hiei said nothing. He didn't move.
"If I don't promise you, you'll do it yourself. But you'll make sure we can't
stop you. Am I right?"
"Yes," Hiei breathed. "I… Yes."
"If what Ba-san said it true, your youki and Kurama's youki are completely
connected now."
"Yes. If I die, he dies."
"If you do it yourself or I use the seal, Kurama will die with you. Hiei, I
can't kill both of you. I can't."
Hiei sighed. "You know he wouldn't care. If I choose this, he won't stop me
again."
Yusuke snorted. "Yeah, you're probably right." He took a deep breath. "How long
will you try for? A few months?"
"A month." Hiei's hand curled around Yusuke's shirt collar. "A month in, a
month out."
"Another month. Starting today."
Hiei nodded.
Yusuke reached up and pressed his palm along Hiei's cheek. "Yeah. I promise."
"Thank you," Hiei breathed. He went limp in Yusuke's arms.
 
——
 
Yusuke eased the passed out Hiei into Kuwabara's arms; his head flopped back,
his mouth open, showing the marks still darkening his throat.
Yusuke froze, his mind full of vines and hands.
"Urameshi."
Yusuke looked up. Their eyes met.
Hiei.
Kuwabara hugged Hiei to his chest; in Kuwabara's arms, he looked even smaller.
Watching Yusuke, he asked softly, "You okay?"
"No."
Kuwabara gave him a knowing nod. "Hold on a sec."
Yusuke leaned against the doorway as Kuwabara knelt beside the futon. He put
Hiei down; his hands cradled Hiei's head as he put it on a pillow. After
watching him for a moment, Kuwabara straightened.
"Long day?" Yusuke asked as Kuwabara came to lean against the wall near the
door.
"The other one's in the baths. Botan's gonna go with him up to the shrine when
he's done, fuck if I know why he wants to be there at quarter to one in the
fucking morning. I'll stay with this one here." Kuwabara looked down at him. He
put his hand on Yusuke's shoulder. "You gonna go see Ba-san?" He patted him.
"You should."
"Yeah." Yusuke swallowed. "Uh, thanks, Kuwabara."
Kuwabara only nodded. He patted Yusuke's shoulder once more.
The darkness of the hallways was a comfort.
The image of Hiei's crying face half-hidden behind his shaking hands was burned
into the back of Yusuke's eyes.
Yusuke followed the pull of Genkai's reiki.
Hiei.
Yusuke was vaguely aware his youki was undulating around him, half-untethered.
He needed to kill something. He needed to feel blood on his hands and in his
teeth.
The realization made his skin ache. He paused in the cool darkness, looking
down at his hands, and saw dark lines beneath his flesh.
Mazoku.
He clenched his fists. His youki, his ancestral father's gift, pulsed around
him in flashes of red; beside it and within it was the flare of Genkai's own
blue-tinged gift.
People supported Yusuke.
His mother and Keiko. Genkai. Kuwabara and even Shizuru. Koenma and Botan. And
maybe even this mysterious ancestor who had shoved his youki through Yusuke's
hands and laughed through Yusuke's mouth and called him to a home he'd never
seen.
Who had Hiei ever had?
Other than Kurama?
Other than us now?
That's what his fear was.
The people who he barely lets himself trust turning on him.
Yusuke's youki swirled around him.
If he grabbed hold of his anger, he could…
With his youki the way it was now, with his rage the way it was now, he knew he
could destroy the entire complex if he wanted.
Maybe even the city.
Hiei.
He forced one foot in front of the next.
He found Genkai in one of the little rooms, playing some fighting game on a
console, the tv muted.
She looked up as he entered.
He came and knelt beside her.
"Oh, Yusuke," she said softly. She put the controller aside.
Yusuke's shoulders shuddered. "It's so unfair, Ba-san," he whispered. "He… He
didn't deserve this."
There was a battle inside him: his wrath and fury and enormous helpless rage
against this black pit of sorrow for his friend, and, somewhere to the side,
the dread of a promise he wished he hadn't had to make.
Genkai sighed. "No, he didn't."
Yusuke burst into tears. He bent forward over the tatami, sobbing, and Genkai
stroked the back of his neck, tutting to him as he wept.
 
——
 
Yusuke woke up to Hiei shaking his shoulder.
"H… Hiei?" Yusuke sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "Wha…" He yawned.
"What time is it?"
On Hiei's other side Kuwabara grumbled something. He threw his arm over Hiei's
waist to drag him back into bed.
Hiei slipped out and knelt beside Yusuke's pillow. "I want the dream-ravage."
Yusuke blinked, still not entirely awake. "The what?"
"The tea he made for Yukina. I drank some the other day."
Kuwabara rolled over, muttering something.
Yusuke nodded. "Sure, whatever you want." He went to lay back down, but Hiei
dragged him back up to a sit.
"What?"
"I want the dream-ravage. I want to take it now."
"Hiei, what fucking time is it?" Yusuke hissed, yawning. "C'mon, I didn't get
to bed until maybe four-"
"You said you wanted me to talk."
Yusuke blearily stared at him. "Yeah? We talked yesterday."
Hiei scowled at him for a moment more before turning his face away. "To
Kurama."
"Oh." Yusuke rubbed at his face. "Yeah."
Hiei sat back on his haunches, waiting.
"So yesterday helped then?"
Hiei ignored him.
Yusuke rolled his shoulders and stumbled up. He scratched at his chest. "So,
you're actually gonna talk to him?"
Hiei bared his teeth.
"Good answer," Yusuke muttered. "And what, you want the dream-ravage so you'll
be drunk when you talk to him?"
Hiei bared his teeth at him. "You said you wanted me to try!"
"Alright, alright, I'm sorry." Yusuke tottered to the closet, tripping over
Kuwabara's strewn clothes.
"Yusuke."
"I'm up, Hiei, what?"
"Will you… will you stay?"
Yusuke glanced at him over his shoulder. "Obviously." He dug through his
clothes. "Like you even gotta ask." He pulled off his pajamas and put on
whatever clothes he grabbed first. "Hey, Hiei?"
Hiei didn't reply.
"Is the dream-ravage going to help though? Do you remember what you said last
time?"
Again, Hiei remained silent. Yusuke turned as he dressed, and saw the flush
high on Hiei's cheeks. "Alright. Let's go see if Ba-san has any left. And some
fucking coffee."
Chapter End Notes
     I've gotten a lot of really nice comments and messages about the
     potential sequel to this. I'm going to take a look at what I have so
     far and hopefully will be able to make it up to my own standards.
     Thank you all so much for your support and kindness! I really do
     appreciate every single message and comment I've gotten. <3
***** Chapter 15 *****
Chapter Summary
     It's easier to talk when you're a little bit out of your mind,
     sometimes.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Kurama sat outside the hall. His fingers nervously pinched at his bottom lip.
He bit at his thumbnail.
Hiei.
Yesterday, Hiei had vanished for the entire day with Yusuke. When he'd returned
in the small hours of the morning, Kuwabara had said he'd been already
unconscious, and slept next to Yusuke.
Again.
Kurama swallowed back frustration and sorrow and confusion and doubt and
horrible bright jealousy-
Genkai frowned. "Remember you have a limited window. He will eventually fall
asleep."
Kurama nodded. "I made the tea. I know how it works." He eyed her. "You know
this isn't how it's meant to be used. It makes him sick because it's not-"
Genkai snorted. "He's the one who requested it."
"That doesn't-"
"Fox," she snapped. "Do you want to do this or not?"
Kurama glared at her for a long moment, then looked away.
She huffed indignation. "Are you going to listen now?"
He nodded mutely.
"He cannot control his youki like this. He's hurt, he's angry, and now he's
drugged out of his mind." She folded her hands behind her. "Most likely, he
will hurt you."
He shot her a hard glare.
She smiled at him, her eyes just as unforgiving. "Good."
They went back to waiting. Kurama bit at his thumbnail until he tasted blood.
 
——
 
Kuwabara leaned against the opposite wall, his arms crossed across his chest;
he looked like he was asleep on his feet.
Kurama, sitting beside him, was tamping down on his panic. He had already blown
through reciting most of the poetry he could remember, and had gone through
mentally tracing the lines of six alphabets and syllabaries far too quickly.
Presently, he was trying to focus on listing all the bryophytes he could
remember along with their location and any medicinal uses-
Kuwabara looked up suddenly. "That's the sign." He looked down at Kurama and
held out a hand. "You ready?"
Kurama nodded, allowing Kuwabara to pull him up.
Kuwabara clapped him on the shoulder. "Just… be careful. When you want out,
just shout for me or have Yusuke let me know and I'll open the door."
'Have Yusuke let me know.'
Yusuke and Kuwabara have always been in sync, but this?
Everyone is growing and changing around me.
Kurama nodded. He could feel his human heartbeat in his throat.
It was still a disconcerting feeling, even after nearly two decades.
Hiei.
Kuwabara opened the door, making the seal on the jamb gleam, and Kurama stepped
inside.
Hiei's youki swarmed the darkened hall, and Kurama's skin prickled with
anticipation, his own youki slowly reaching for it.
The door closed behind him. It was loud and final, and suddenly Kurama realized
he was afraid.
Afraid of seeing Hiei.
Afraid of hearing whatever it was Hiei wanted to say to him.
"Kurama?" came Yusuke's voice from further in.
"He's here," Hiei groaned.
Hiei!
Kurama followed the pull of Hiei's youki through the gloom.
A pair of low candles glowed on the floor ahead.
Yusuke sat cross-legged, looking over his shoulder as Kurama approached; as
Kurama stepped closer and out of the gloom, he smiled. The candlelight had
turned his eyes completely red.
Mazoku.
One of us.
More youkai than I am at this point.
Hiei lay before Yusuke, Yusuke's crossed ankles beneath Hiei's neck. Hiei was
fiddling with the collar of Yusuke's jacket; his right arm had been bound and
covered in black-lettered seals. Yusuke's hands were on his own knees. Not
touching Hiei.
Hiei trusts him.
If you'd told me a month or so ago that Hiei would have become so close to
Yusuke of all people…
He ignored the sour pang of jealousy.
"Hey," Yusuke said, nodding to him.
Kurama nodded. He stopped a few feet away, his hands in his pockets, nervous
beyond measure.
Hiei.
Please, Hiei.
"Kurama," Hiei breathed. He rolled his head and stared at Kurama, eyes slits,
mouth open and dark, his face flushed.
Hiei.
Kurama felt a heat rise through him.
Hiei breathed. "Kurama," he growled, low and deep and-
Hiei growls, but it might have been laughter. 'Are you really going to pretend
you haven't been dreaming of fucking me, Kurama?'
The weight in Hiei’s voice had already started a slow fire in Kurama's gut; he
swallowed. He crouched, if only to give him something to do other than be taken
apart by Hiei's dark eyes.
Hiei's youki swept through the hall.
Kurama hesitated.
Hiei watched him, breathing.
Kurama let his youki go. It rose towards Hiei's-
With a snarl, Hiei yanked his youki back.
Kurama drew his youki back beneath his skin with regret.
He's stronger.
He's…
Some of that was my youki, wasn't it?
He's completely converted it…
"I told you I hate you," Hiei said softly. His hand still worried at Yusuke's
jacket, fumbling with the zipper pull, sliding it down and up the track of the
zipper. "I told you I despise you. That if you touched me, I'd…" He laughed,
low and dark.
Hiei.
I never gave you any reason to trust me, did I?
If I had, maybe…
Kurama lowered his head.
How many more tears does this body have left?
In Youmakai, he had never cried.
Youko did not cry, after all.
He'd had lovers, dozens, hundreds even perhaps, and he'd discarded them as
easily as he'd picked them up. Some he'd simply left in silence, some he'd
laughed at as they cried from his betrayal, some he had killed or left to die.
But he had never cared.
Even amongst other Youko. 
But this is different.
Hiei is different.
I'm different.
I should have been better to you, Hiei.
I should have-
"But you know it's not true. I don't hate you."
Kurama's head snapped up.
Hiei was staring at the zipper pull; over him, Yusuke was smiling softly.
"Kurama," Hiei groaned, that same heady thick heat that made Yusuke's smile
vanish and Kurama's body thrum with want.
Hiei let go of the zipper and arched his back off the ground. His hands wrapped
slowly, finger by finger, around his own throat.
Yusuke, above him, frowned but did nothing. "This shit again?" he muttered.
Again?
What else has Yusuke seen that-
Enough.
There's no point in thinking like this!
I am thankful Hiei has a friend and confidant in Yusuke.
It felt like a lie.
Hiei's eyes fluttered closed. His hands squeezed.
"Hiei," Yusuke warned, his voice low and frustrated.
"Do you love the air or need it?" Hiei whispered.
Yusuke winced.
Yusuke knows what this means.
Is that what they were doing yesterday?
Was Hiei telling him-
Hiei's hands tightened and his eyes clenched shut. He bared his teeth.
Yusuke didn't move. "Hiei-"
"Do I love the air or need it?" Hiei hissed. Then his eyes snapped open.
In a blink, Hiei was in front of Kurama, crouching with one leg tucked beneath-
Hiei kneels before him in that old pose of surrender, and Kurama wonders if he
knows the formality in his kneeling; he stares up at Kurama, his eyes wide with
fear and anticipation but also a beautiful thickwantthat Kuramaneeds to taste-
Hiei's body tensed. He stared up at Kurama's face with black eyes, his pupils
completely blown. Gently, he took Kurama's hands in his; Hiei's skin was
blazing hot as he stared down at Kurama's palms. He ran one fingernail down the
scar.
"Hiei," Kurama whispered.
"Kurama." Hiei leaned down.
For a moment, Kurama thought Hiei was going to put Kurama's hands on his face.
But the angle shifted and horrified, Kurama realized he was letting Hiei push
Kurama's hands against Hiei's throat.
Hiei's hands, framing his, tightened.
"Hiei-"
"Am I yours, Kurama?" Hiei hissed. "Do you own me?"
Shocked, Kurama couldn't speak.
"Hiei," Yusuke called, his voice reproachful.
"Do I love the air or need it?" Hiei growled. He squeezed Kurama's hands
tighter around his own throat. "Tell me what to say. Which is the right answer,
Kurama?"
"Please, Hiei," Kurama whispered. He tried to open his hands, but Hiei snarled
at him and only increased the pressure.
"Hiei-"
Hiei's youki dove beneath Kurama's skin.
It hurt, but the pain was tinged with a dark heat. Kurama swallowed.
Hiei's mouth opened wide, his lips already growing pale. His youki drove
through Kurama, and Kurama shuddered, drawing in a slow breath, even as every
muscle in his body began to strain. He knew he was getting hard, and he met
Hiei's eyes, and saw a flicker of disgust-
"Please, Hiei," Kurama shook his head. "Please."
Growling, Hiei pressed Kurama's hands all the tighter. His eyelids began to
fall.
"Hiei-"
Hiei's eyes snapped open. He grinned at Kurama hatefully. "Oh, now you don't
like it?" he rasped.
Kurama recoiled; Hiei let his hands go and Kurama fell backwards.
Hiei crowded him. He half-crawled onto Kurama's lap. "You broke me," Hiei
muttered.
Kurama stared at him in horror.
"Again and again." Hiei reached for Kurama's face. He brushed his fingertips
along Kurama's chin. "And again."
"Hiei," Kurama whispered.
Hiei darted backwards. He knelt on the floor in front of Kurama. "And again.
And again. And again. And again. And again. And again."
No.
No, please, Hiei.
Please.
"Hiei, I'm so sorry," Kurama whispered.
Hiei ran his hand along the inseam of Kurama's pants and squeezed the inside of
his knee; the touch went straight to Kurama's cock. "And again." Hiei leaned
back. His hands fell limply in his own lap as he stared, unseeing, at the
ceiling. "And again."
"Hiei," Kurama breathed.
Hiei was on his feet in an instant. He roared with fury; his youki lashed at
Kurama like so many fiery whips, but Kurama didn't cry out.
He deserved Hiei's wrath.
Hiei grabbed Kurama's collar and dragged him forward. He showed Kurama the
sharpness of his teeth. "Am I forgetting a few, fox?" Hiei snarled. "I wasn't
always conscious, you know."
Kurama stared up at him, his mouth and eyes wide, his heart shattered, his
vision swimming in tears.
"Put him down, Hiei," Yusuke called.
Hiei gently let Kurama down. He smoothed Hiei's shirt collar back into place.
Then he knelt before him and brushed his fingers over Kurama's cheekbone. It
was the same place that Hiei still had a tinge of red, the fading bruise.
Kurama stared at him. Tears fell from his eyes.
He was hurt by me in the Territory because he believed I could hurt him.
He was hurt that way because he believed I could hurt him that way.
Kurama wanted to die.
There's no way he'll ever let me touch him again.
What was the point of this?
Why drown me to save me?
Why kiss me?
To punish me for this?
My sins, as Genkai said?
Gladly, Hiei.
He resisted the urge to reach for Hiei.
Torture me, Hiei.
Hurt me, as I hurt you. Kill me, as I tried to kill you.  I only ask that you
let me sever our connection before my death.
You don't deserve to die for what I've done to you.
Hiei pressed his palm against Kurama's cheek. He met his eyes solidly. "I would
have given you freely everything that you took," he said simply. "All of it."
Hiei's thumb rubbed at Kurama's cheekbone again, and he touched the bruise on
his own cheek with his other hand.
'Everything that you took.'
Kurama knew he was crying. He didn't want it to be true: a part of him had
still stupidly, selfishly, childishly hoped that it wasn't true that-
'Everything that you took.'
Kurama leaned away from Hiei's touch and curled in on himself. He wrapped his
arms around himself, sobbing.
Hiei was hurt by me because he believed I could hurt him.
Hiei was…
Was…
'Everything you did to him was believable. All of it.'
'You tortured him, Kurama. You raped him.'
Kurama buried his face in his hands. He wailed, crying louder and harder than
he ever had, until he was gasping for breath that wouldn't come, the muscles in
his face sharp with pain, his chest racking as the sobs tore out of him.
He knew Hiei was watching him.
Distantly, he heard Yusuke sigh, get up, and come closer. He crouched in front
of Kurama. Slowly, softly, he put his hands on Kurama's shoulders, and drew him
into a hug.
Kurama clutched at Yusuke's jacket.
Hiei made a sound of disgust, and Kurama cried harder.
"Fuck, Hiei, can you chill for a fucking minute?" Yusuke snapped.
"Why should I? He hurt me. He-"
"Because it wasn't this Kurama, you fucking asshole," Yusuke snarled. "You
fucking know that! You're hurting him for no reason!"
"So what?" Hiei laughed. "He hurt me for no reason!"
"Yeah? When?"
"Just now! Look! I still have the bruises! Here! And here!" Kurama heard a
rustle of cloth. "Do you want to see the others, Yusuke? Do you want to see
what he did to me? Do you want to-"
"In the fucking Territory, Hiei! That wasn't him! You know it wasn't! Put your
fucking pants back on!"
"Or what, mazoku?" Hiei growled.
"Or I'm going to take Kurama out of here and you can sit here by your own self
in the fucking dark and think about what you're doing to someone who loves
you," Yusuke snarled.
"Tch."
Hiei stomped off into the dark.
Kurama hiccuped.
"Hey," Yusuke said softly. "He's drunk on dream-ravage, you know that."
Kurama couldn't speak.
"He knows it wasn't you," Yusuke said, drawing back. He offered Kurama a packet
of tissues from his pocket. "I just talked to him yesterday about it."
"It was me," Kurama whispered, "because he thought-"
"Don't start. It wasn't you, and just because someone is afraid the people
around him are gonna turn on him at any goddamn second doesn't mean they will."
Hiei appeared by Yusuke's side in a heartbeat. "I'm not afraid of anything."
"Sure you're not, Hiei," Yusuke snapped, not looking at him.
"I'm not. Why should I be afraid?"
"It's not about why, you asshole." Yusuke turned then, his sharp teeth bared.
"Fear's fucking irrational. I know Genkai told you that!"
Hiei frowned.
"Don't you remember what you told me this morning?"
"No." Hiei looked away.
"Yes, you do." Yusuke sighed. He squeezed Kurama's shoulders. His voice calmed.
"Fucking think."
Hiei glanced at Kurama. Then he threw himself back on the stones.
"Sorry, Kurama," Yusuke said softly. "It's like this sometimes."
Kurama shook his head, unable to speak. He blew his nose into a tissue. His
eyes ached.
Hiei.
"Kurama," Hiei breathed.
He and Yusuke turned.
Hiei, on his back, his arms and legs cast as far out from him as possible,
stared at the ceiling.
"Kurama."
Kurama swallowed.
Hiei closed his eyes. "Kurama," he said softly.
Kurama watched him. Yusuke squeezed his shoulder once as he stood. He went a
short distance away and sat.
"Kurama," Hiei cried. He lifted his hips-
In the dim light, Kurama could see the outline of Hiei's cock, hard and trapped
by his trousers. He swallowed, but his mouth was dry and his tongue thick.
"Hey, asshole," Yusuke called. "Why don't you tell Kurama what you told me this
morning?"
"Which part?"
"About what you feel."
Hiei's hands went to his angled hips; he squeezed his hipbones and winced.
"That I want him?" His bare feet slid on the stones and his hips shuddered.
Kurama's tears had stopped.
Hiei?
"Yeah. And the other one."
"That he's mine?"
"I meant the other one, but that works too."
"Which other one?" Hiei rolled over onto his stomach, his bare feet kicking in
the air. "That I love him?"
Kurama couldn't breathe. He touched his own throat.
Hiei?
Yusuke chuckled. "That's the one."
Hiei shook his head and flopped onto his back. "I don't want to tell him."
Yusuke's eyes flicked up to Kurama's. He smiled. "Oh yeah? Why not?"
"Because he destroyed me," Hiei said softly. His hand slipped down and he
pushed the heel of his thumb hard against his cock beneath his pants; he
panted. He arched his back. "B-because he k-killed me. B-b-broke me." His hips
rolled and he groaned. "Kurama," he growled. "Kurama, Kurama, Kurama…"
Yusuke caught Kurama's eyes. He sighed. "He's-"
Hiei was up on his feet faster than Kurama could follow, glaring down at
Yusuke. "Fuck you. I'm not afraid of him."
Yusuke grinned up at him; the candles made his eyes blaze red. "Really?"
"Why should I be afraid of him? He's weak. Weaker than you even."
Kurama flinched.
'You're weaker than any old fox has any reason to be!'
Yusuke laughed. "Sure, Hiei."
"Fuck you! He's weak! You're weak!" Fire and electricity danced up his arms,
along with something grey and dark like rainclouds.
Kurama blinked.
Is that… is that my youki?
Is that how he's absorbed it?
It's… it's beautiful.
"I'm not gonna fight you right now, you little fucking prick," Yusuke said
between grinning teeth. "You wanna fight me later we can. Now's not the fucking
time." He grabbed Hiei's wrist and dragged him down until he was at eye level.
"Besides," Yusuke's snarl was almost a laugh, "it kinda looks like you are
afraid if you're avoiding my fucking question." His grin widened. "Doesn't it?"
Hiei jerked back, eyes wide.
"If you're not afraid, why don't you tell him what you feel?"
Hiei stared at Kurama.
"Go on. Tell him. Show me how not afraid you are, Hiei."
Hiei disappeared, just to reappear between them, his back to Kurama. "I'm not
afraid."
"I dunno, Hiei. Kinda looks like you are."
Hiei sat down quickly and sprawled backwards; his head landed on Kurama's
folded legs. "Why would I tell him anything?" he said. He reached up with both
hands and tugged on the locks of hair framing Kurama's face, softly jerking
Kurama's head from one side to the other. "He hates me."
Kurama watched him, his head and heart a mess.
Somewhere in the dark before them, Yusuke snorted. "Pretty sure he doesn't."
"Sure he does," Hiei said, caressing the side of Kurama's face with a knuckle.
"I hurt him."
"That wasn't you, Hiei, just like-"
"It was real." Hiei's black eyes locked on Kurama's. "It happened. Pretending
it didn't, wishing it away, trying to remember and take comfort that it was in
a fucking Territory, none of that matters." His hands gently cupped Kurama's
face. "It happened. I hurt him and he hurt me."
Yusuke sighed. "Okay, but-"
"Shut up, Yusuke." Hiei pulled Kurama's face down, until his lips pressed
against Kurama's, soft and gentle, salt and ash. Kurama sobbed into the kiss.
"It doesn't matter," Hiei murmured as he let Kurama's head rise. He searched
Kurama's eyes. "It happened."
"Hiei," Kurama shivered. A tear fell on Hiei's cheek.
Hiei's grin was dark and toothy. "Now I can drown you anytime I want," he said,
voice thick. His hips rocked back against the floor. Kurama tried to ignore the
shape of Hiei's persisting hardness. "I wouldn't need you to accept it. The
pathway is there." He raised one hand. "I could." His fingertip hovered between
Kurama's eyes, "Anytime I want, I could drown you. Just because I can."
"Yes."
Hiei's hands cupped Kurama's cheeks again. "I could do to you as you did to
me," he said, eyes narrowing. His hands tightened around Kurama's face. "I
could hurt you. I could use you." His hands swept up into Kurama's hair, and he
dug his nails into the sides of Kurama's head until Kurama hissed in pain. "I
could do to you exactly what you did to me."
Kurama's eyes screwed shut, but his brain had already helpfully supplied
imagery behind his eyelids. "Yes."
"And you'd let me, because you think you deserve it."
Kurama swallowed.
With a fistful of Kurama's hair, Hiei jerked his head to the side. "You're
supposed to say 'yes.'"
Kurama nodded, unable to speak.
"I could destroy you, and you'd let me, because you think it's your fault I
don't trust you."
Kurama winced.
Hiei shook his head, and then laughed. He sat up, nearly crashing into Kurama's
face. He stood, swaying.
"Hi-Hiei?" Kurama whispered.
Hiei sank down onto his knees. He crawled forward, putting his head on Yusuke's
thigh, curling up until he was a small ball pressed against Yusuke's hip.
"Getting tired?" Yusuke asked. He rested his arm on Hiei's shoulder and fluffed
his hair. He smiled gently at Kurama.
"Fuck you," Hiei slurred.
"Yeah, yeah."
"No… Where's K'rama?"
"He's right here, Hiei."
"I wan' 'im."
Yusuke gestured, and Kurama rose, shakily, crossing the two meters between them
slowly. He knelt.
Hiei rolled onto his back, kicking his legs in the air; his legs slapped down
on the floor to frame Kurama's. He stared at Kurama. His face was flushed.
"K'rama?" he breathed. "K'rama?"
"I'm here," Kurama whispered.
Hiei scrambled onto his hands and knees. He drove his hands through Kurama's
hair and kissed him, sloppy and wet and moaning.
Panicked, Kurama let him lead the kiss. His hesitant hands floated in the air
over Hiei's ribs.
"Missed you," Hiei whispered; he put his forehead against Kurama's, his eyes
closed, panting. One hand went down and pressed against his cock again. He
winced. "Too hot," he murmured.
Behind him, Yusuke sighed. "Seriously? Why you gotta do this with me here?"
Hiei threw his head back. "Fuck off, Yus'ke," he called.
"You're the one who asked me to be here!"
Hiei twisted and draped himself in Kurama's lap, the back of his head on
Kurama's collarbone. He grabbed Kurama's hands and pulled them down to his
belt; he left them there, and Kurama froze, unsure, unwilling. "What's a
matter, Yus'ke?" Hiei laughed. "'Fraid he's gonna fuck me 'n fron' o' you like
las' time?"
Last time?!
Yusuke, blushing, looked away. "Can you not?"
Hiei only laughed. He pressed back against Kurama's chest; he mouthed at
Kurama's neck and Kurama gasped. Hiei laughed, low and dark, and dragged his
teeth along Kurama's throat. His hands began to fumble loosely with the ties of
his belt. "Fuck you, Yus'ke," Hiei mumbled. His fingers clawed at the belt
without purchase. "I love 'im. K'rama's mine." He yawned. "Mine."
And then he was asleep.
Chapter End Notes
     I have 25k words written of the next part of Higashiyama, but it
     needs serious work. Most likely I will be posting some one-shot
     pieces between the end of this part and the as-yet-unnamed sequel.
***** Chapter 16 *****
Chapter Summary
     More talking and "talking."
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
"You're just about impossible to find when you want to hide, aren't you?"
Kurama looked up.
Hiei slid the door closed behind him, throwing the room into darkness.
Kurama didn't reply. He looked back out over the night-dark garden.
"Why am I awake? Last time I slept for more than whole day. It's been what, a
half a day?"
In the corner of his vision, Kurama saw Hiei crouch by the door.
"It's the dream-ravage. The more you take of it, the less it will have a
soporific effect." He turned away. "But the delirium will intensity. You… may
not want to take it again."
The summer wind made the tears on Kurama's cheek feel like ice.
Hiei watched him for a long moment. "So why are you hiding from me?"
Kurama shook his head. "I'm not."
"Then why are you here in the dark with your youki restrained?"
Kurama swallowed. "I… wanted to be alone. To think."
"To hide."
Kurama frowned, but didn't look up.
"Kurama-"
"You have no reason to trust me, Hiei," Kurama said softly. He looked down at
his hands; in the dim evening light, he could barely see the slash of the scar
across his palm. He flexed his hand to feel the scar's tightness. "I've never
given you any reason to trust me. Even before the Tournament."
"That's not true." Hiei crossed the room and sat next to him, hugging his knees
against his chest.
They didn't touch, but Kurama could feel the heat radiate off Hiei.
Oh, how Kurama wanted.
Kurama kept his body turned away.
In his mind, he traced the path he'd take to go to Reikai, then went over the
possible conversation he'd have with Koenma. He hoped Koenma would have the
decency to let him choose where he'd be dropped in the Makai.
He wondered how hard it would be to find the osteopath. Based on snippets Hiei
had told him over their time together, he had a vague idea as to where Shigure
might be found, but that was years ago at this point, and it was hard to
imagine that he'd still be in that little corner of quiet forest.
He had almost decided how he'd present his case to the osteopath. He assumed
the osteopath harbored some sort of concern for Hiei; Hiei had mentioned
Shigure had been responsible for teaching him proper sword craft after he'd
been stripped of his youki, and that the lessons had not been included in his
negotiations for the Jagan. So, if for no reason greater than his own
curiosity, the osteopath had most likely kept tabs on Hiei, and thus would
have to be aware of Kurama's existence-
"Kurama?"
Kurama ignored him, though doing so hurt.
If Kurama's arrival was met by some sort of recognition, he'd try to feel out
the osteopath's feelings towards Hiei. If he was apathetic, Kurama would need
to resort to his own ability to convince the osteopath of his 'worthiness.'
From what Hiei said of the osteopath's interests, Kurama had no doubt that his
history would be interesting enough to be convincing. But if the osteopath did
give even the slightest indication of feeling protective towards Hiei, that
worked all the more in Kurama's favor.
"You're ignoring me. Stop it."
"Hiei, please," Kurama whispered. "This… this isn't going to work."
"What isn't?"
"This."
You. Me.
Us.
Kurama clenched his hand around the scar. He had no use for tears, after all.
Tears were for times of weakness, and Kurama had no use for his own weakness,
not now, not with Hiei's life at risk. "I've hurt you too badly, Hiei," he
whispered.
"You've decided that?"
Kurama ignored the bait.
"So you're deciding for me that I'm too fucking fragile to be with you?"
"Hiei-"
Hiei's hands snatched at Kurama's hair: Kurama's head was jerked to the side
and he nearly fell over, just to find himself eye to eye with Hiei. "Why are
you so fucking stupid?" His eyes glowed like a cat's in low light, red,
furious. "Listen to me!"
Kurama tried to look away, but with a snarl, Hiei held him still.
"Kurama!"
"I d-devoured you-"
Hiei's expression was guarded but resolute, and calmer than Kurama's by far. "I
wanted you to."
Kurama closed his eyes. "You didn't know-"
"Yes, I did."
Kurama knew he was losing his patience, but what did Hiei want from him? His
attempted suicide, Kurama's frantic refusal, then Hiei devouring him had left
Kurama's control frayed beyond repair and his quiet certainty shattered. "Hiei-
"
"I knew what drowning was, Kurama, and I knew it was a possibility when I
closed the door to our room that night. It's what I wanted." Hiei shifted and
his hand let go of Kurama's hair, leaving soreness in its wake. "More than
anything." His voice lowered. "It was something I wanted from the moment I saw
you as Youko, if not before."
Kurama stared at him.
Hiei met his eyes evenly.
"But Hiei-"
"I don't lie to you, Kurama. Especially not now," Hiei said softly. "I knew
what drowning was, I knew what it meant, and I knew what I wanted. It was… it…
I was… wary maybe, but I wanted it." He looked away. A shadow of blush appeared
on his cheeks. "I wanted you."
Kurama shook his head, but said nothing.
"Everything else that happened…" Hiei sighed. "I-I'm not going to pretend that
I'm not… that you don't…" He breathed shakily. "You… I am… I am afraid of you,
Kurama," he whispered.
Kurama closed his eyes, but the tears were already falling.
"But that doesn't matter to me."
"How can you say that?" Kurama hissed. "How can you say that you being afraid
of me doesn't-" He choked on his words.
Hiei, please.
You are everything to me.
I can't bear to lose you.
"Because it's how it is." Hiei pushed the hair off his forehead, holding it
back, showing the open glow of the Jagan. "I was afraid of this." He held up
his arm: the black dragon slept, free of its bindings. "I was afraid of this."
"But Hiei-"
"It doesn't matter."
"I don't believe you."
Hiei clenched his fists. Through his teeth, he snarled, "When did I stop being
afraid of the Jagan?"
Kurama peered at him. "I don't know."
"When I had power over it."
Kurama blanched.
Hiei snorted. "It makes it much easier to know I have the same power over you
as you have over me."
Kurama recoiled. He leaned away; after a moment, he dragged himself across the
tatami, further from Hiei.
Kurama heard Hiei's sigh.
Hiei shifted closer, and his shoulder brushed solidity and heat against
Kurama's arm.
Kurama closed his eyes, clenched his teeth, balled his hands into fists, but
his body was full of simple stupid joy at the feel of Hiei's bare arm against
Kurama's sleeve.
I have to go to Makai.
Before this goes any further.
Before Hiei makes a decision he will regret.
Before I can't.
But he didn't move.
Hiei's youki rolled against Kurama's skin.
"It's not one-sided anymore. You can hurt me still, yes, but… I could do the
same back to you." Hiei's voice was quiet, low, sounding more like the Hiei
Kurama had known back then, before Sensui, before the Tournament; for some
reason he remembered standing in the carcass of a tree with Hiei by his side,
just barely not touching, as they looked down upon these two wayward idiot
humans who had somehow been roped into serving Reikai, discussing if they were
actually going to help them kill Suzaku or not.
"Is that what you want?" Kurama whispered. His heart was in agony; it would be
simpler if Hiei had said he wanted to take his knife and cut out Kurama's human
heart. "To hurt me? As I-"
"Shut up, Kurama," Hiei sighed.
Kurama could feel Hiei's heat radiating off him as he moved closer. Hiei rested
his head lightly on Kurama's shoulder. Kurama flinched.
"It's not about hurting you," Hiei said. His voice stayed low and dark and
familiar and Kurama bit his lip to keep himself from crying. It didn't help.
"I'm not… You're not the only one who can cause pain."
"You don't trust me," Kurama choked.
"No. I don't."
Kurama turned his face away.
Hiei reached for him, and put one feverish little hand on Kurama's knee. "But I
might, someday. I want to."
Rubbing his tears off his cheeks, Kurama shook his head. "You shouldn't. You d-
don't know w-w-what I've done. What I c-could do. To you."
Hiei's voice was dark. "I think I know some." He shifted closer. His thigh
brushed Kurama's.
Kurama cringed away from him, but Hiei's hands clutched at Kurama's arm.
"There's nothing you can do to me that would be worse than what was already
done," Hiei said quietly. "Do you understand that?"
Kurama wanted to die.
'You tortured him, Kurama. You raped him.'
Hiei continued, "There's a boon in that."
"A boon?" Kurama laughed and put his face in his hands and started to sob.
Nothing was making sense and everything hurt more than he ever knew it could.
Even when he thought he'd reached a new nadir of agony, there was further to
fall. "That's not your word, Hiei."
"No, it's Genkai's word." Hiei squeezed Kurama's arm. "But she's right. The
worst is over."
Kurama shook head. "How can you even say that? How can you-"
"You can't do worse than was already done, Kurama," Hiei said softly.
Kurama laughed again, broken, completely broken. His world was falling to
pieces again. Surely not even the Tree of Sins could compare to this. For a
moment he wondered if he had actually awoken, or if this was still
Higashiyama's Territory.
"Kurama."
"I'd have thought you knew me better than that," Kurama muttered.
Hiei bared his teeth. "You think I don't?"
Kurama flinched.
Growling, Hiei shook his head. "Why are you making this harder than it has to
be, Kurama?!"
Kurama said nothing. There was nothing to say.
Hiei went back to leaning on him. "In the Territory, Genkai said I couldn't
resist you. That because you're stronger than I am, and because I'm young and
stupid, I had no ability or desire to resist you. But that isn't really true."
Hiei shifted closer, until his chest slid against Kurama's arm, pushing heat
and desire into Kurama's chest. "The first time you tried to drown me in the
Territory, I refused you."
Kurama started. He was turned and staring down at Hiei's face before he could
stop himself. "You did?"
"Yes." Hiei met his eyes. "You pushed me. It… You were being so stupid, about
everything, and then you drowned me out of nowhere, and I refused you… by
burning my own youki." The corner of his mouth quirked upwards.
"You…" Kurama shook his head, horrified. "Why? Why would you go that far?"
Hiei shrugged. "At the time, I didn't know it couldn't be stopped."
Horror flowered in Kurama's chest like a vacuum. "But this time… you knew," he
whispered.
"Yes." Hiei met his eyes fully. "I intended to die."
Kurama sagged.
"Kurama."
"Please, Hiei. Stop."
Hiei snorted. "No."
"Hiei-"
"I talked to Yusuke yesterday."
"I know."
Something strange flickered in Hiei's youki, but was gone before Kurama could
sense it.
"I want to try."
"Try what?" Kurama whispered. "There are so many-"
"I want to try being with you." Hiei turned his body; his knees spread and
pressed against Kurama's back and thigh. "Like this. You, as you are, me, as I
am. As we are now."
It reminded Kurama too much of the sort of vows made by youkai who didn't have
sufficient youki to devour each other. He turned away.
Hiei reached for his arm. "We… we can't go back to how it was before. After
Urashima."
"No, we can't," Kurama whispered.
"So I won't promise you anything," Hiei said. There was a weight there, a
heaviness and sorrow. He opened his mouth to speak again, but then stopped.
"But I will try."
Kurama knew there was something there that Hiei wasn't saying, something Hiei
couldn't voice.
He didn't want to know what it was.
He had a feeling he already knew.
He was shaking.
Hiei's hands clung to Kurama's elbow.
Kurama swallowed. He had to regain some sort of control, over the conversation
or himself, he wasn't sure. "You could have died, Hiei. Back then. That first
time when you burned off your youki."
Hiei graciously let him change the subject. "Maybe I should have. The
Territory's stupid rules don't make sense. What counts as suicide?"
"We never thought to ask."
Hiei snorted.
"So that's why you burned your youki yesterday. You already knew it could…" He
couldn't say it.
"I'd seen it happen before." Hiei reached up and rested one hand on the side of
Kurama's neck; Kurama shivered in the heat. "Have you been to the Well of
Miseries?"
In Makai?
Kurama nodded. "Once. Long ago."
A different life.
In more ways than one.
"There's an old trap hidden in the hills a bit to the west that will steal the
youki of whatever idiot touches it. I can't remember what it's called.
Something stupid. Looks just like any old rock." He paused. "The only way to
escape is for someone else to knock you unconscious and move you away before
you die." He laughed, low and dark, at what Kurama didn't know.
"I don't understand the connection."
Hiei nuzzled Kurama's shoulder. "It burns the youki. It doesn't absorb it. If
the connection isn't broken, it burns you alive, from the inside out."
Kurama shuddered. "So you knew burning your youki would kill you."
"I'd heard stories." He may have brushed his lips against Kurama's shoulder,
but between the dark and the rioting panic, Kurama couldn't be sure. "I didn't
know exactly how it would happen. I wasn't even sure I could do it."
As usual, Hiei's lack of schooling has given him greater leeway than those of
us who had guides.
He doesn't know what he shouldn't be able to do.
So he just does it.
He wasn't sure if he should be impressed or horrified.
"Besides," Hiei said softly, "I knew I could refuse being drowned by you. That
time…" he swallowed, "it was still a question if I was going to give in to you,
and not yet a given."
Horror made Kurama's blood run like ice.
'Not yet.'
'You tortured him, Kurama. You raped him.'
How can you even look at me, Hiei?
"So you chose to die a potentially excruciating, terrible death rather than be
devoured by me?" he whispered.
Hiei sighed. "No, I chose to do what I wanted to do rather than what you wanted
me to do. The rest was incidental."
"Willful to the end," Kurama murmured.
"Of course. No one tells me what to do, Kurama. Not even you." Hiei
straightened; the loss of his warmth made Kurama shiver. "But in the Territory,
I couldn't… always say no to you." He paused. "Or rather, I couldn't make…" He
shuddered. "I couldn't make you listen when I said no."
Kurama leaned away from him.
"Kurama."
"How can you bear to look at me?" Kurama hissed. "Territory or not, it doesn't
matter-"
"It does." Hiei took his shoulder and turned him; Kurama refused to meet his
eyes, staring at the hem of Hiei's shirt. It was a human shirt, made in the
human realms, with a hem and a serged seam and everything.
Bitterly, Kurama wondered if Yusuke had given Hiei the shirt.
Hiei squeezed Kurama's shoulders. "Kurama, it matters. It wasn't you. It was a
nightmare."
"Hiei-"
"Shut up and listen to me. I meant what I said before, with the dream-ravage.
Trying to pretend it didn't 'really' happen is stupid. It happened, and we have
to deal with that. I was hurt, but it wasn't by you."
"You can't mean that," Kurama whispered. Still refusing to look up, he shook
his head. "No. You're wrong. There's no way you don't hate me."
"You don't get to tell me what I feel, Kurama." Hiei's hands cupped Kurama's
face.
Kurama did look up then, eyes wide.
"I don't hate you. And I don't want to hurt you. And I know that you, the real
you… you don't want to hurt me either." Hiei's eyes narrowed. "Being able to
drown you doesn't mean I will. It's about feeling safe, safer." He searched for
something in Kurama's eyes, frowning. "Carrying a knife doesn't mean you want
to use it all the time. It can be to protect yourself if something goes wrong.
Just knowing it's there, you feel safer, even if you never have to use it."
Kurama nodded meekly.
"I know you don't want to hurt me. But if you try, I can do just as much harm
to you." Hiei raised his hand. He drew down a strand of white and gold.
"Possibly more." Opening his hand, the wisp burst into black flame, and Kurama
gasped.
The pain was exquisitely sharp, a bolt of fire and agony that shot through his
core. It didn't stop. He looked up, shaking, cringing, his heartbeat erratic.
The flames reflected in Hiei's eyes, turning them black. "I guess I can control
your youki too, to a degree. Keep it from being consumed, while still burning
it. Hurting you." He raised his chin, but frowned. "I can hurt you."
Kurama clenched his teeth through the pain.
It's intuitive for him.
He knows how to do it without having been taught.
You were always meant to be the stronger of us, Hiei.
How long until you eclipse me entirely?
The thought was a flare of unexpected joy above the pain.
Hiei was watching him impassively.
Kurama wondered if any of his suffering was washing back through their
connection.
He wondered if Hiei realized how much he was hurting him.
He wondered how this pain compared to Hiei's as he had burned his own soul to
ash.
He wondered how this pain compared to the torture Kurama had inflicted upon
Hiei in the Territory.
Hiei sighed. With a wave of his fingers, the fire disappeared. He released the
wisp, and it folded back into Kurama's youki. He put his hands back on Kurama's
shoulders as Kurama tried to catch his breath.
"You wanted to hurt me just now. You don't trust me," Kurama panted.
"I already said I don't trust you." Hiei's eyes narrowed. "You're saying it
again because you want to be hurt. Stop it."
"Hiei-"
"I don't know what to feel. But… I do know that I don't want to hurt you,
Kurama. That was just… to show that I can."
Kurama finally caught his breath. He looked up-
Hiei leaned forward and his lips touched Kurama's.
Kurama fell back, breaking the kiss. "Hiei?"
Hiei's hands were frighteningly gentle as he guided Kurama to lay on his back.
He straddled Kurama's hips, his hands on either side of Kurama's head.
The heat of Hiei's body pressed against Kurama's hips and-
Don't get hard, don't get hard-
"The Territory-user."
It took a moment for Kurama to realize Hiei had spoken. "Hi-Higashiyama?" he
whispered.
Hiei leaned forward, his weight thankfully no longer pressing on Kurama's hips,
and ran his hands through Kurama's hair, letting the heavy strands fall through
his fingers.
"Hiei?"
"Not you, not Yusuke, not Genkai, not Higashiyama."
"Hiei-"
"No one decides for me," Hiei growled.
"But-"
Hiei leaned down and kissed him. His lips were soft, hot, and Kurama struggled
not to cry. The taste of him was familiar and painful and Kurama felt himself
falling apart.
Don't do this to me, Hiei!
"Let me," Hiei whispered, his lips still touching Kurama's.
"I-I d-don't understand," Kurama breathed.
Hiei's hands framed Kurama's face: hot and dry and calloused and strong.
"Kurama." He kissed him again, soft, chaste, against Kurama's trembling lips.
Kurama sobbed, his eyes screwed shut. "P-please," he gasped against Hiei's
mouth.
"Please what?" Hiei murmured. His fingers dove through Kurama's hair, bracing
his skull, angling his head. He feathered kisses down, from Kurama's mouth to
his chin, along his jaw towards his ear.
His fingers deftly avoided crushing any of the delicate seedlings along
Kurama's skull.
Gentleness.
The memory came unbidden.
Hiei growls, shoving Kurama hard. 'Damn you, Kurama, I said fuck me already.'
"D-don't do this i-i-i-if y-you…" Kurama's voice cracked into another sob.
"If I what?" Hiei murmured. He nuzzled the underside of Kurama's jaw with his
nose.
Kurama threw his head to the side and pressed his palms against his face. He
needed to hide.
He didn't want Hiei to see him.
Yusuke's got that gleam of human determination in his eyes even as his voice is
soft in an attempt to be soothing. 'He actually didn't say he didn't want to
see you,' he says, watching Kurama's reactions with a singular focus. 'He said
he doesn't want to be seen by you.'
The thought tightened his chest and brought new tears to his eyes.
Hiei leaned back, his full weight seated on Kurama's hips again. "Kurama."
Hiei's hands clench around Kurama's forearms; he digs his nails into Kurama's
flesh, drawing blood. He bares his teeth. 'Stop being so fucking gentle, and
fuck me already,' he growls. 'Or are you going to play at being a 'lover' and
not the Conquerer we both know you really are?'
Kurama sobbed into his hands. His heart was breaking, shattering-
Hiei's hands wrapped around Kurama's wrists, but he did not pull Kurama's hands
from his face. "Kurama. Kurama, I'm here. Kurama."
Hiei leans away, Kurama's blood on his chin. Kurama touches his bleeding lip,
eyes wide. 'I didn't come here for kisses, Kurama. If you're not going to fuck
me properly, I'll go find someone who will.' He wipes the blood off with his
thumb and licks it clean. 'Would you like that, Shuichi?' His smile widens at
whatever he sees on Kurama's face. 'I wonder. Do you think Yusuke would rather
fuck me or be fucked by me?'
Kurama shook. He could feel Hiei's eyes on him, but it was too much, too much-
Hiei's youki was soft and warm as it swept around Kurama like a cloak. "Kurama.
I'm here."
"Why are you doing this?" Kurama hissed into his hands.
Hiei yanked Kurama's hands away from his face. "Why am I doing what?"
Kurama stared up at him; Hiei's eyes were narrow and hard and more than a
little angry.
For a moment, Kurama didn't know which Hiei this was.
They'd both hurt him.
"Hiei…?"
"Kurama, what are you saying?"
"How can you? You don't…"
"I don't what?"
Kurama tried to free his wrists from Hiei's grip, but Hiei's hands tightened,
holding them where they were. "Kurama," Hiei growled. "I don't what?"
"You… After Urashima…"
Hiei sighed. His shoulders sank.
"I asked-"
"Kurama, I wouldn't have let you drown me that night if I didn't want it."
"You keep saying that, but-"
"Kurama, I let you drown me. I invited it. I wanted it."
"But, Hiei-"
"Because I love you."
The vision of the other Hiei vanished.
Kurama froze.
A soft darkness flushed over Hiei's cheeks as he looked away, brow furrowed,
his breathing sharp.
Outside, an owl called into the night.
Kurama's eyes locked on the flutter of Hiei's blood in his tight throat as he
turned away, facing the garden.
The wind caressed the paper hanging from the bell on the patio.
There's no way he said that.
Delirious on dream-ravage, maybe, but here?
Now?
Conscious and aware of what he's saying?
Hiei swallowed, his throat bobbing. His eyes darted to Kurama's, and their eyes
met; flushing further, Hiei looked away again. His lip curled.
Crickets continued their droning.
"Hiei?" Kurama whispered.
"You heard me," Hiei snapped. He wouldn't look at Kurama.
Kurama could only stare.
But…
Words failed him.
His face still turned to the garden, Hiei swallowed. "That first night, you
asked me about… after Urashima."
But you wouldn't answer.
Hiei took a deep breath. "You asked if it meant anything to me. It did. It
meant…" Hiei closed his eyes, took a breath, and nodded. "It meant everything
to me."
Kurama's vision swam behind tears.
Don't torture me, Hiei, please.
Don't come to me with sweet words and kisses and-
He couldn't complete the silent prayer.
Please, Hiei!
"I don't know… when I knew. Maybe… during the fights, in the Tournament. Seeing
you hurt…" Hiei's hands rose in spark-bright fists. He leaned back, and his
weight and heat and body pressed all the more on Kurama's hips. "That second
round, when you… I realized I… It wasn't like it was before."
Kurama could barely breathe.
Hiei?
"That night I was… furious. I could have killed you I was so angry with you,"
Hiei growled. Kurama felt Hiei's legs stiffen with tension. "Why do you… Why
can't you…" His voice fell to a frustrated whisper. "I wasn't the same. Maybe
that's…"
Hiei?
I don't understand.
What are you saying?
Hiei shook his head. "I couldn't understand why I had been so angry. Why did I
care what you did? Why did…" Hiei covered his flushing face in his hands.
Is it…
Is it possible?
Muffled, Hiei continued, "Why was seeing you hurt…" He stopped speaking.
There was a new sensation in Kurama's chest.
A warmth.
A flickering ember of hope.
"Hiei?"
"I never want to see you hurt like that again," Hiei growled into his palms.
Kurama watched Hiei's chest heave. Softly, he said, "That's why you were so
upset when I told you what Karasu wanted to do to me."
Mutely, Hiei nodded once.
It's so hard for you, isn't it?
You've only recently come into learning to recognize your own emotions, Hiei.
Kurama risked reaching up. He touched Hiei's wrists, and Hiei lowered his
hands.
His eyes were overbright. He bared his teeth. "Damn you, Kurama, how do you not
know this?!"
Kurama swallowed back tears even though he was sure his human heart was about
to burst with joy. "I… I wasn't sure. I thought…" He looked away. "You
disappeared after the Tournament, then again after we returned from the Makai."
Hiei finally looked down at him. He frowned. "You were ignoring me."
"You were avoiding me, Hiei, not the other way around."
Hiei shook his head. "No, I went to you at night, as I always do. I stayed
there, waiting for you, and you never came. I know you knew I was there."
"Yes, I knew you were there, but you stayed away. You used to come through my
window, Hiei. I… I've left it open for you, since…"
Since Koenma put us on probation.
Since then, Hiei.
Do you understand?
I didn't need your help to steal the Ankokukyo, Hiei.
I went because you intrigued me.
And along the way…
"After Makai you were back to… your human life." Hiei looked down. "I… I stayed
only close enough for you to come to me. When you wanted." His shoulders
tensed. "And you didn't."
They didn't look at each other.
Kurama blinked and sat up.
Hiei shifted back, leaning on Kurama's thighs. His frown deepened.
"We're idiots, aren't we?" Kurama said softly.
"You're the idiot!" Hiei snapped. "Why didn't you come to me?"
"Why didn't you come to me the way you always did before?"
"After the Tournament, and again after coming back from Makai, you made it
clear that you only wanted to see your mother! How was I to know you wanted to
see me too?!"
"Yes, I wanted to see my mother, but not in exclusion to everything else,
Hiei."
"How am I supposed to know that!"
Kurama felt himself growing genuinely angry. "You said you wanted to get back
to 'various crimes' after the Tournament, Hiei!"
"That doesn't mean I didn't want to see you!"
"How is that any different from me wanting to see my mother? You should have
talked to me!"
Hiei showed him his teeth. "When?! After you stranded me here again? After you
knew I wanted to stay in Makai and instead of-"
Kurama shook his head. "I don't want to fight with you, Hiei."
"It's not a fight!"
"You're still yelling at me," Kurama said gently.
Hiei snarled. After a long moment of searching Kurama's face, he looked away.
"Tch."
They listened to the wind through the unruly little garden as it rustled the
watergrass in the pond.
"So you love me."
Hiei flinched.
"Since before that night. Before Urashima."
Hiei's face had turned dark with a flush that sent a wave of pleasure through
Kurama's core. Hiei glared out at the garden.
"You say you don't know when it started but…" Kurama reached forward and
touched Hiei's chin; Hiei met his eyes. "Don't you have any idea?"
"How am I supposed to know?! Do you?" Hiei snapped.
"Of course. I know exactly when I realized I wanted you." Kurama put his hands
behind him and leaned back; the look of shock on Hiei's face was delicious. "I
know where I was, and what I was doing. I remember the time of day." He smiled.
"I even remember the exact words of last thing you'd said to me."
Hiei looks up at Kurama, his grin widening; here in the hall of Enma's palace,
one of the Reikai Special Forces members stops reading the rules of their
probation again while the others shift into defensive poses, shouting something
both youkai ignore. Hiei's eyes narrow, but the amusement on his face is clear
as he meets Kurama's eyes, and Kurama finds himself smiling as well. 'Might as
well make the most of this, fox,' he growls. Kurama raises one eyebrow, only
half at Hiei's words: the other half is at himself and the surprising stirring
of desire in his groin. Kurama makes decisions quickly, and he decides he wants
to see how long it takes for Hiei's cocksure harshness to turn to pleasure-
drunk openness as Kurama fucks him.
Hiei stared at him, eyes wide.
"I also remember when I realized it wasn't simple want."
Kurama has let Hiei stay on the windowsill in silence as he worked on his
pointless school assignments, but it's been two hours and enough is enough.
'Was it hard for you?' Kurama says, without looking up. He can feel Hiei's
glare on him. He continues to write. When Hiei doesn't respond, Kurama decides
to clarify. 'To not kill every human involved in your sister's capture and
imprisonment?' Another ten minutes pass in silence. Kurama looks up, to find
Hiei's eyes on him. His face is more open than Kurama has ever seen it: his
eyes unguarded, his mouth a soft frown. They watch each other, then Hiei turns
to leave. He glances back at Kurama once, still wearing that soft hurt
expression, and whispers, 'Yes.' As he vanishes into the dark, Kurama wants to
call out to him, but doesn't. He touches his chest, at the hurt in his heart
that he can't understand- His eyes widen as he realizes.
Kurama smiled.
I love you, Hiei.
"When?!"
Kurama's smile widened. "It's a secret."
Hiei's face was furious and red. "Kurama!"
Kurama laughed. He reached forward and took Hiei's hands in his.
Hiei watched in silence as Kurama wound their fingers together, palm to palm.
Kurama raised one of Hiei's hands and brushed his lips over Hiei's scarred
knuckles.
Oh, Hiei.
Hiei let himself be drawn forward as Kurama lay back down on the tatami, his
hair fanning out beneath him. He let Hiei's hands go to tuck hair behind Hiei's
ear.
Hiei's breathing was tight again. But his eyes were dark and stayed locked on
Kurama's.
"The me in Higashiyama's Territory." Hiei leaned forward on his hands, braced
on either side of Kurama's head again. "I don't know what happened after I
attacked you."
"There isn't much left to tell." Kurama's tongue darted over his lips.
Hiei watched his mouth. He swallowed before meeting Kurama's eyes again. "You
escaped the Territory."
Kurama nodded.
"How?"
"Can I sit up?"
Hiei leaned back, sitting on Kurama's thighs, and pulled Kurama up. He swept
his legs behind Kurama's back and, after a moment of stiff hesitation, touched
their foreheads together.
He's here.
Kurama breathed. There was Hiei's scent, sweat and brimstone and ice and ozone
and that soft blood scent that made Kurama's heart race.
He's here.
This is real.
Kurama swallowed back tears.
It isn't like it was in the Territory. This is real. He's real and he-
"Tell me."
He loves me.
Hiei's thumb brushed away a tear as it began to course down Kurama's cheek.
Hiei loves me.
"Kurama."
Kurama nodded.
"Tell me."
Kurama sniffed. "Alright." He settled his thoughts. "I knew something was wrong
with you."
Hiei shifted to get more comfortable on Kurama's lap.
Kurama paused, trying to focus on words and not on Hiei's delicious heat and
weight. "I talked to Yusuke and Genkai, but both of them said they didn't see
anything different about the way you were acting, and said it had to be that I
was seeing things that weren't there."
Hiei's legs tightened behind Kurama's back, dragging him closer to Kurama's
chest, his weight moving.
Do you know what you do to me?
"I went to school the next morning." Kurama lifted his eyes and stared at Hiei;
Hiei's breath ghosted over Kurama's face, and Kurama could taste the sweet
musky scent of dream-ravage. "I was determined to not let whatever was going on
with you to derail me. I was feeling distracted by everything, so I went to the
school library during lunch to try to find something I hadn't read."
Kurama slips between the shelves, relishing the quiet stuffy heat of the empty
library. Outside, he can hear a whistle and movement as a gym class begins;
from the hallway, he hears muffled voices. He rubs his fingers over the wounds
on his chest Hiei left the night before.
"But there wasn't anything there I hadn't read. I knew there were books there
that I didn't know, but I couldn't find them. I remembered a few of the titles
I had been looking forward to reading and went to the librarian, and she said
she'd look into it. But it seemed odd. Most of those books hadn't been checked
out in years."
Hiei leaned forward and rested his head on Kurama's shoulder; his bare shoulder
brushed against Kurama's sleeve. He nuzzled Kurama's throat.
It was getting increasingly difficult to not focus on Hiei's closeness.
"The situation at the school library disturbed me. So on my way home, I stopped
by the neighborhood branch. But again, there was nothing I didn't know."
Hiei snorted, but it might have been a laugh; Kurama felt it through his lap.
"How many books have you read?"
"A lot. But not as many human books as you may think. I spent an hour there,
going through the shelves, one by one, pulling every book down. If it was a
book I'd read, only the passages I remembered were there. If I knew the title I
but hadn't read the book, the book was blank."
Hiei hummed understanding; his voice rumbled in Kurama's chest.
Tentatively, Kurama raised his hands and placed them on Hiei's back; the cotton
of his sleeveless shirt was unfamiliar, not the coarse homespun fabric that
Hiei seemed to manifest from nowhere. Hiei sighed, a relaxed sigh, arching into
the touch.
Hiei.
"I knew then that it was me that was the problem. I didn't know how, or why,
but I knew that without a doubt, something had happened to me. After realizing
that you weren't you, and hearing both Genkai and Yusuke insist everything was
fine, I had suspected the problem had to be with me, and this confirmed it.
There was no other variable that could been effecting everything."
Kurama brushed his lips along Hiei's bare shoulder; Hiei leaned closer into
him.
Beneath the heat and weight of Hiei in his lap, Kurama felt himself growing
hard. He swallowed, but Hiei shifted closer, and Kurama felt a telltale
firmness press against his stomach.
Hiei!
"I-I thought about the classes I'd attended, the things I'd read, and realized
that I hadn't learned a single new thing in quite some time. I backtracked
through my school notes and found the date I last wrote down something I hadn't
known before correlated to the day before we fought the Territory user. It
occurred to me then that something must have happened to me. I reasoned that
since I wasn't able to learn anything new, that was be a sign that something
deeper was amiss. I began to wonder if I was trapped in a-"
Hiei's hips moved slightly; his hardness brushed against Kurama's stomach
again. His breath had started to quicken.
Hiei!
"-In a dream. I went to a librarian and started asking about dates of things I
wouldn't know, which sport teams won in which years, the names of second-
largest cities in various countries. Each time I asked a question, the
librarian…"
Kurama ghosted his cheek against Hiei's. Hiei moaned, soft, a breath in
Kurama's ear.
"She smiled and opened her mouth, then froze, like pausing a video. I asked
another, and she started to move again, doing the same thing: smile, mouth
open, freeze. Over and over again. There was a clock on the wall behind the
librarian's desk, and each time I asked a question, the clock moved back to the
same time."
Hiei shifted closer on Kurama's lap, dragging heavily against Kurama's cock.
Kurama barely managed to not cry out.
"This went on for what felt like hours. I kept asking questions I didn't know
the answers to until finally…" He leaned back.
Hiei watched him, eyes dark.
Kurama kissed him softly, and Hiei sighed, content. Hiei's mouth was hot and
soft and his tongue brushed against Kurama's, and they both groaned. Hiei
shifted closer still, pressing his hips against Kurama's stomach; as he moved,
Kurama could feel Hiei was now fully hard.
Kurama's head felt light, his tongue thick in his own mouth.
"Finally?" Hiei growled against Kurama's lips. Hiei slipped his head to the
side, and began to nuzzle at the edge of Kurama's shirt.
It took a long moment to understand what Hiei was talking about.
"Finally everything stopped."
Sweat traces down Kurama's spine as the librarian freezes, smiling mouth open.
She doesn't blink. He glances up at the clock: 5:47PM, but the second hand does
not move. Fear seizes Kurama's chest and he backs away, his hands and youki
reaching for his plants before he even realizes. He spins, and sees the rest of
the library's patrons, all stuck, mid-action, unmoving.
"I went out into the street, and it was the same. Everyone was frozen."
Hiei's hips curled, and Kurama's hands ran down Hiei's back to settle on his
waist. His hands slid under Hiei's shirt and Hiei gasped into Kurama's mouth.
Kurama's hands slipped just beneath the waistband of Hiei's pants to touch his
fever-hot skin.
Hiei.
Gods, Hiei, what are you doing to me?
"I walked home, but everywhere was the same: nothing moved, not even the wind.
Everything was frozen. So I ran. I wasn't getting tired, and I kept-"
Hiei's head fell back. He was panting, trembling, his hips rocking slowly, his
clothing-bound cock rubbing against Kurama's stomach, his eyes half-closed.
"Kurama…"
Kurama licked his lips, hesitating for a heartbeat before saying, "Do you want
me to finish my story?"
You don't.
"Later." Hiei leaned forward and crushed their mouths together, their tongues
darting around one another, tasting, pushing, stroking. Hiei's hands clutched
at Kurama's shoulders, and Kurama dragged Hiei closer by the hips over his own
straining, aching cock, earning him a soft groan that he swallowed down.
"Kurama," Hiei whispered, breaking free of the kiss. His eyes were wide, soft,
and Kurama felt his heart stutter.
"Hiei, we don't have to-"
"Shut up," Hiei whispered. He leaned back and, in a fluid motion, tore the
shirt off and in half. He reached for Kurama's buttons and he carefully undid
them, one by one, his fingers shaking. He leaned forward again, kissing Kurama
hungrily, but Kurama could feel the whole of Hiei shaking under his hands.
"Easy," Kurama whispered. He bowed his head and kissed Hiei's throat. "Stay
with me."
"Yes," Hiei groaned.
"Hiei," Kurama whispered into Hiei's skin, kissing and tasting salt and Hiei.
"Hiei, Hiei…"
Hiei's hands shoved Kurama's shirt off his shoulders. His hands danced down
Kurama's sides-
Looking for scars?
-then to his waist, where they fumbled with his belt.
"Hiei."
Hiei's breathing was fast now, and he slid the belt aside.
"Hiei, you're shaking," Kurama said softly.
Hiei stumbled back and up onto his feet and, in a quick movement, he shed the
jeans, slipping them down over his hips.
Kurama watched him, eyes greedily taking in the length of Hiei's body, the
flush that spread over the top of Hiei's chest, the lines of his litheness, the
curves of his muscles and the jut of his hipbones and the edge of his ribcage,
the gleam of precum on the tip of his cock.
Faint shadows of bruises tinged Hiei's skin.
On his neck.
On the inside of his thighs.
Kurama swallowed, suddenly unsure.
"Hiei-"
Hiei fell to his knees before Kurama, his hands cupping Kurama's face, and he
kissed him, again, harder, as if he would-
Kurama grabbed Hiei's wrists and pushed him back.
Hiei's eyes were wet.
As Kurama watched, a few hirui stones fell. "Hiei, you're crying."
Hiei stared at him, eyes wide and wild, mouth open as he panted. His tongue
lapped at his swollen bottom lip.
"Hiei, we don't have to-"
Hiei's hands twitched. "I want to."
"Hiei-"
"I l-love you," Hiei whispered sharply. He leaned forward, but Kurama held him
back. "Kurama. Let me."
Kurama didn't move. He watched him. Even with his cock screaming for release
and Hiei beautiful and naked and hard and wanting in front of him, the rational
part of his fox-brain was processing, running through simulations of possible
results to various permutations of-
"I want you to t-touch me," Hiei whispered, soft as breath, pleading. "Y-your
hands."
Instead of that other Kurama touching you.
Instead of that other Kurama's hands.
Kurama nodded and released Hiei's wrists. Kurama leaned back and slid his own
pants and underwear off, and knelt before Hiei.
Both of them bare, they stared at one another.
Hiei swallowed and stood. He went to his discarded jeans. After a moment, he
returned, holding something out to Kurama.
Kurama took it in both hands.
A bottle?
He held the bottle up against the dim moonlight outside. A thick liquid moved
inside.
Oil?
Hiei swallowed as he knelt again, closer now, to Kurama; their knees touched.
"Hiei, what is this?"
"Oil."
"For?"
Hiei raised his chin, but it was defiance. His flush darkened all the more.
Kurama nodded, his own face flushing. He put the bottle on the floor beside
him, and leaned forward. His hands swept into Hiei's hair, and he pulled him
into a kiss.
They kissed, moving through a slow and languid pressing of lips to a fervor, as
Hiei crawled back into Kurama's lap, his legs wrapped around Kurama's back. He
slid his cock against Kurama's, and Hiei breathed raggedly.
"Easy," Kurama whispered. He reached for the bottle, and held it up.
Hiei panted, watching him.
"Give me your hands."
Hiei's breathing caught.
Kurama cradled one of Hiei's hand in his, and poured a bit of the oil. He
snapped the lid closed and then ran his hands over Hiei's, spreading the slick
along Hiei's palm and fingers.
Kurama massaged the oil into Hiei's skin. He used both his thumbs to massage
the heel of Hiei's palm, moving down into its valley, then across to the mound
at the base of his thumb.
Hiei's other hand on Kurama's shoulder shook.
How does my touch feel, Hiei?
Hiei's hips jerked. His eyes were half-lidded, his mouth wide.
Hiei.
"Stay with me, Hiei," Kurama whispered. He moved up, massaging every digit of
Hiei's fingers, one by one, then raised Hiei's hand and kissed the back.
Hiei breathed his answer.
Kurama put Hiei's oiled hand gently down onto his own thigh.
As Kurama began to massage Hiei's other hand, the first would occasionally
twitch towards his cock, and Hiei would wince and force it back down. His hips
trembled. He bit back a moan.
Kurama's chest was full of warmth. He kissed Hiei.
I love you.
"Easy," Kurama breathed.
You won't last long like this.
Kurama poured a little more oil in Hiei's hands, and he guided Hiei's hands
down.
Hiei's hands, small as they were, wrapped around both of them, squeezing both
their cocks tight against each other, and Kurama groaned; he looked up and saw
Hiei's pained face and clenched teeth.
He could feel Hiei's rushing blood and heat and hardness through his skin.
Kurama leaned back to look. Both of their lengths were slick with the gleam of
oil, and both leaked from their tips.
Kurama had known he was larger than Hiei, but seeing them together, Kurama's
paleness against Hiei's tan, the difference in the shapes and tones of their
heads, the way the veins beneath the skin wound like different rivers, made him
gasp.
"You're so beautiful, Hiei," he whispered.
As Kurama watched, Hiei palmed their heads together, pulling towards himself so
the heads were parallel; he rubbed them against one another in his palm, and
Kurama clenched his teeth, fighting hard against his instincts to jerk his
hips, to move, to-
"Easy," Hiei whispered, and Kurama could hear his grin. Hiei's own hips moved,
agonizingly slow, and he set a slow rhythm, his cock slicking against Kurama's,
one hand slipping down and up, one hand rolling and cupping the heads of their
cocks together.
"Hiei, Hiei, Hiei," Kurama breathed as Hiei moved. Kurama's oiled hands grabbed
at Hiei's ass, feeling the roll of muscle as Hiei rocked them forward. "Fuck,
Hiei, I-"
Hiei licked his lips and his head fell back. Kurama watched the flutter of
Hiei's frantic blood in his throat. The tremble of Hiei's stomach muscles as
his hips thrust all the way forward was nearly enough to send Kurama over the
edge: he closed his eyes.
He didn't want it to end.
He wanted Hiei's hands on him forever.
"Please," he heard himself whisper.
He wanted the muted little cries that fell from Hiei's open mouth to go on
forever.
He wanted to feel Hiei's skin, soft and taut and trembling muscles beneath and
alive and his beneath his hands forever.
"Hiei," Kurama whispered. "Fuck, Hiei, please, I need you, please, Hiei,
please… you're… I… Hiei…"
"Just…" Hiei growled, his head falling forward again, "shut up."
"I can't," Kurama whined. "Ah, Hiei, please, I need…" His hands tightened and
Hiei hissed, in pain or pleasure he didn't know. "Hiei, fuck, please, please,
Hiei…"
"What do you need?" Hiei breathed. His hands moved in tandem with his hips,
slow, languid, even as the oil was thinning away, changing the slick drag of
skin on skin to something more tactile, less smooth-
"Devour me," Kurama whispered, frantic. "Please, Hiei, now, please, I can't, I
need you, I need to feel you, please, Hiei, I'm begging you, now…"
He felt Hiei hesitate before spreading his youki, and Kurama clenched his
teeth. His own youki swept up into Hiei's: as their youki melded together
without resistance, none greater than the other, there Hiei was, and with him,
that closeness, that indelible sense of Kurama's pulse and the hiss of Hiei's
blood becoming a single syncopated blur, and that sensation of being over Hiei
and under him and through him and within-
His vision was white; his lungs were filled with fire.
Gasping, Kurama spasmed as he came, his hands turning to claws, dragging Hiei
closer, his whole body tense and flooded with a pleasure that incinerated his
whole body.
A moment later, Hiei grunted, curling forward, his head knocking against
Kurama's collarbone. He trembled once, twice, then sagged.
Kurama kissed him, exhausted, happier than he could ever remembering being
before.
Hiei kissed him back, soft, gentle.
Kurama felt tears in his eyes, and smiled.
Hiei tucked his head under Kurama's chin, his messed hands loose in his lap, as
Kurama's hands rose to stroke his back, soft and slow.
They stayed like that for a long time, breathing.
Chapter End Notes
     Almost to the end and I don't even know what to do with myself.
***** Chapter 17 *****
Chapter Summary
     Kurama goes home, and Yukina makes cake.
Yusuke blinked. "Are… are you sure?"
Kurama nodded. He pulled his jacket down from the coatrack and folded it over
his arm. The morning was already hot, despite the early hour. "Shiori will be
expecting me for breakfast." He gave Yusuke a sheepish smile. "I… wasn't
planning on spending the night here. I hope I can sneak in before she
realizes."
Yusuke couldn't help but laugh. "Things are going well then?"
Kurama's face fell, and he turned away.
"Kurama?"
"Things are improving, yes. But it will be slow progress, and…" Kurama shook
his head. "Anyway, he's still asleep. I'm afraid we must impose on you again,
Yusuke."
Yusuke frowned. "But-"
Kurama shifted the jacket on his arm. "He took the end-of-breath again last
night."
Yusuke flinched. "But I thought…"
"Hiei's wounds are deep," Kurama said softly. "It will take time, and
patience." He met Yusuke's eyes again. "He needs our patience. And our
support."
Yusuke nodded, his eyes hard.
Once Yusuke decides to care about someone, he'll protect them with his life.
I truly am thankful for your friendship, Yusuke.
Kurama gave Yusuke a grateful smile as he stepped down and slid his feet into
his shoes. "I told him you'd show him how to use the telephone." He reached for
the door.
Yusuke nodded. "Are you coming back tonight?"
Kurama paused. He lowered his head, back still turned to Yusuke.
"Kurama?"
Kurama slid the door open; sunlight flooded the entranceway. "That all depends
on Hiei."
 
——
 
A soft breeze roused him.
Hiei opened his eyes.
He was alone.
He stretched out on the tatami; the texture beneath was an indulgence, and Hiei
delighted in the way his skin slipped over it. His body felt, for the first
time in a while, fine.
At ease.
Nothing hurt.
And he'd slept through the night.
No nightmares.
He sat up.
Beside his head lay the dried husk of a sprig of white flowers.
Last night, he and Kurama had washed up in the little pond outside the rooms
they'd claimed. Kurama had used his youki to push the algae back, leaving them
with a small circle of water so clear they could see their feet on the stones
below even by dim starlight.
Hiei rolled his shoulders. Idly, he touched his stomach, his fingers tracing
down lower along thin, fine hair.
Kurama had let Hiei's hands wash him clean, drifting over skin Hiei knew well
yet felt like he was discovering for the first time.
He hadn't been able to let Kurama clean him.
They'd kissed, mouths slipping against one another until they were both
breathless in the dark, listening to crickets.
After Hiei requested it, Kurama had provided him with two little leaves of end-
of-breath; Hiei had expected an argument, a sigh, a frown, something, but
Kurama had given it to him with a nod as if he'd been expecting it. As Kurama
lay down and Hiei curled against him, he'd presented him with another plant
sprig: brightly fragrant still-waters, to ease him into peaceful sleep and keep
him asleep, and encourage pleasant dreams.
A failsafe.
Hiei had fallen asleep with his head on Kurama's shoulder, listening to
Kurama's heartbeat.
No nightmares.
Kurama was being cautious with him, he knew.
Kurama's hand had cupped Hiei's chin as he'd kissed him in the little pond; his
other hand had not strayed from Hiei's waist. Kurama's lips had been soft, and
after kissing him once, he'd eased back, letting Hiei set the pace.
They'd stood a little bit apart. Only their mouths and hands touched.
Kurama didn't push him.
And he isn't going to push me, is he?
Hiei stretched his legs out.
By his ankles were his clothes, neatly folded, assumably by Kurama before he'd
left at dawn. He'd woken Hiei only to kiss him on the forehead and say
something about Yusuke.
Beside the clothes was that little bottle.
No nightmares.
It was easy to remember that other Kurama.
Climbing into Kurama's lap, Hiei had been terrified that it had all been a
dream. That this Kurama was just as much of a lie as the other one, or, even
worse, that this Kurama was the other, playing some terrible joke on Hiei,
building up his trust and affection just to-
Just thinking about him made his blood cold.
Hiei took a slow and steady breath.
It's not true.
Kurama's eyes are wide and wet and Hiei can feel his hands trembling. 'Please,
Hiei, I'm begging you,' he mumbles. His mouth falls open in agony, and Hiei
draws his own youki up, hesitating-
This is real.
Kurama's hands are on his back, stroking slow circles over Hiei's ribs as Hiei
tries to catch his breath. He shifts on Kurama's lap so he can see Kurama's
throat, and his human pulse pounding beneath the skin-
This Kurama won't hurt me.
Kurama's mouth catches his, and his lips are smiling, and for a moment, Hiei
has forgotten anything else except the way Kurama's tongue flits against his
and how Kurama's breath catches as Hiei kisses him back-
Somehow, with this Kurama before him, his face open with need, trembling with
every movement of Hiei's hands and hips, unable to stop begging for something
he can barely articulate-
Somehow Hiei hadn't thought of that Kurama at all.
He grabbed the little bottle of oil. He rolled it around in his hand.
Maybe…
Hiei sat up on his knees.
Kurama.
He spread his knees.
Kurama.
He poured oil into his hand, remembering the feeling of Kurama's hands on his.
When Kurama had slicked his hands with oil, his youki had bled through every
movement of his hands.
It hadn't been painful.
And Hiei hadn't been afraid.
Kurama's face is warm with affection, his youki thick like syrup, sinking
through his fingers as he rubs at Hiei's hand. Hiei doesn't understand what
Kurama is doing until-
He slid his oiled hand down his cock and bit back a groan.
Kurama.
His body was starting to burn.
For a moment, Kurama's pressure on the tension in the muscle sharpens nearly to
pain, but Kurama only smiles, seeping youki through his fingertips, and the
muscle eases into liquid relaxation. Hiei gasps: Kurama's youki is warm and
filled with the scent of honey and he can taste it through his body. He looks
up and meets Kurama's eyes, and Kurama's smile softens.
Kurama.
Distantly, Hiei thought he might have felt something familiar and known shift
on the edge of his senses, but the sensation was fleeting.
Kurama's fingers have found a rhythm in their ministrations to Hiei's hand;
what begins with the soft slip of oiled fingers on oiled palm begins to push
and relax in time to Hiei's breathing, and soon Hiei can't stop the roll of his
hips along with. Kurama murmurs something.
Hiei picked up the little bottle of oil again. He slicked both hands, face on
fire, but he focused solely on the throbbing ache in his groin and the fading
lightheadedness from the still-waters.
Kurama leans forward, his lips catching Hiei's in a soft kiss. Hiei moans,
despite himself, and he can't see but he can feel Kurama around him. The
tension of his youki is the only sign that Hiei hasn't let himself completely
go to the pleasure. Beneath Kurama's happiness, beneath his desire and
something huge and golden that Hiei can't bear to name, Hiei can feel Kurama's
melancholy. Kurama kisses him again; his tongue flicks against Hiei's.
Slowly, Hiei leaned forward until he rested on his right shoulder, that oiled
hand still languidly slipping along his cock. His left hand reached back
beneath his legs.
Kurama.
As Hiei wraps both hands around them-
Hiei's fingers brushed along the edge of his heat and he clenched his teeth-
Kurama's cock presses hard against Hiei's as Hiei's hands tighten-
Hiei's forehead fell to the tatami. Two fingers now pressed at his heat, just
enough to make his breath hitch and his throat tighten, and his cock felt so
heavy-
Kurama's hands snatch at Hiei's buttocks; Hiei looks up and Kurama's face is
twisted with something that looks like pain but pleasure radiates through his
youki-
One fingertip slipped in and Hiei couldn't hold back the cry that tore from his
throat-
'Easy,' Kurama whispers-
It hurt, but he could only think of Kurama, this Kurama, this beautiful sobbing
Kurama who couldn't stop his own tears, incapable of saying what he needed, and
the hurt felt right-
'I need you,' Kurama hisses; his words fall from his open mouth frantically and
Hiei can feel his human heart thundering, his pulse faster than can possibly be
safe. 'I need to feel you-'
His hand tightened on his cock-
'Devour me, Hiei, please,' Kurama begs-
Hiei groaned, his oiled finger sliding deeper-
It isn't just that Hiei's youki floods Kurama, but the pathway is there, and
Kurama's white honey seeps into Hiei; for a moment he panics, remembering
another Kurama, another devouring, but then this Kurama is sobbing, reaching
for Hiei, begging him, and his youki tastes like-
Hiei's hips stuttered. Over the dizziness of the still-waters, he felt a rising
curl, and his finger pressed deeper. He bit his lip before the impulse took him
and another finger joined the first, as deep as he could manage-
Kurama's youki tastes like-
'Just another-'
Kurama's eyes are clear and bright and filled with-
'Just another-'
Kurama's eyes are clear and bright and filled with-
'Just another worthless-'
Kurama's eyes are clear and bright and filled with love-
Hiei moaned. He was so close-
Kurama's mouth opens and Hiei can see he's mouthing Hiei's name, unable even to
speak-
Hiei can feel Kurama's pleasure as if it were his own-
Kurama's orgasm crashes through him, youki to youki, and Hiei fights it,
instinctively, not wanting to give even this-
'I will take from you what I want.'
Hiei bit his lip hard enough to bleed.
As Kurama cries out, mouthing Hiei's name-
'I will take from you-'
There was blood in his mouth.
His own blood.
His fingers curled within him, and Hiei groaned, trying to cling to the
sensation of that and his moving hand over-
Kurama clutches at him, and his face is beautiful-
Hiei's tongue lapped at the blood on his lip-
Kurama looks up, and his clear eyes are bright with tears and-
He was-
Tears and-
Hiei's jaw clenched so hard his teeth ached-
Tears and-
Gasping, Hiei's whole body tensed; his heat clamped down and the resistance of
his fingers made him cry out. He distantly felt himself spill over his own
fingers before his shaking body gave out and he collapsed on the tatami,
gasping for breath.
He lay, listening to his body as it calmed, and shifted; he winced as his
fingers slipped out of himself. He listened to the wind. It brushed over him,
licking coolness on his hands and between his legs.
His mind was thankfully empty. He ignored the thoughts that wanted to be
dwelled on, the memories to be parsed, the feelings to be examined-
Before he could stop himself, he fell back asleep.
 
——
 
"Yusuke!"
Groaning, Yusuke got up, throwing his magazine down on the table. He went out
into the hall. "What the hell do you want?" he shouted.
"Yusuke!"
"I'm coming, you old hag!" He trotted down the hall. "What the fuck do you-"
Yukina stood in the genkan, eyes wide.
"Yukina!"
"H-hello, Yusuke-san." She bowed, glancing at Genkai as she rose.
"It's just our way," Genkai said, clearly amused. "He's a brat." She turned.
"Do show our guest some respect, won't you, o heir mine?"
Yusuke resisted the urge to give her the finger as she left. "Hey, Yukina. What
brings you all the way up here?"
She lifted a small bag. "Kazuma-kun said Hiei-san is feeling better, and I
wanted to bring some food for him."
Yusuke smiled. "Sure, c'mon. Do you want something to drink? I'll go check and
see if he's up."
 
——
 
Still sleepy from the still-waters, Hiei decided if he didn't get out of the
little pond, he would probably fall asleep on his feet. He leapt from the water
to soft grass.
The grass was warm and mossy.
Hiei wondered if Kurama had changed it, and decided he probably had. All of the
plants surrounding the little pond looked healthier, more vibrant, the bowing
stalks and swaying leaves now more aesthetic than mess.
Kurama never had been the type to let things be as they were.
He had been dozing in the sun when he heard the slide of wood on oiled wood.
"Hiei?"
It was Yusuke.
Hiei half-rolled so he could watch Yusuke let himself into the room. Yusuke
looked around, eyeing the piled clothes, then saw Hiei. His face turned from
concern to happiness.
He really does think of me as his friend, doesn't he?
Yusuke trotted to the edge of the porch and crouched. "Hey."
Hiei just looked at him.
"You're, uh, naked."
"Congratulations on your eyes," Hiei drawled. He flopped back down on his back.
His eyes closed, he stretched. The sun sunk beneath his skin, and it felt
glorious to be so lazy, to be warmed by sunlight and summer, to feel the flames
of his soul be somehow renewed by the sun. Laying out in the sun was a luxury
he rarely indulged in.
There was no sun in Makai, after all.
"You might want to get dressed," Yusuke said. There was some sort of laughter
in his words.
Hiei waved his hand, dismissive.
"Yukina is here."
Hiei's eyes snapped open. "Why?" he called.
"Brought some food or something."
At that, Hiei hopped onto his feet and went to stand in front of Yusuke.
Yusuke met his eyes.
"Why is Yukina here?"
Yusuke shrugged like he didn't care but it was all affectation and not even
slightly real.
The lazy heat in his chest sharpened to annoyance. "Yusuke."
Yusuke jerked his head back towards the room behind him. "Get dressed. She only
said she brought you some food."
Hiei dressed, mind twisting, trying not to panic, cursing Kurama and the
residual dizziness of the still-waters. He kicked Yusuke lightly in the ribs.
"I need a new shirt."
Yusuke laughed, his eyes sharp. "I really should make you get a fucking job so
you can buy your own damn clothes."
 
——
 
Yukina sat, facing one of the nicer gardens in Genkai's complex, a washcloth
crackling with ice on the back of her neck. She looked behind her as Yusuke
slid the door open and all but shoved Hiei inside.
He didn't look as ill as she had expected. Relief washed over her.
She resisted the urge to touch the stone tucked beneath her clothes. "Hiei-san,
I'm glad to see you up and well," she said, smiling.
He met her eyes for the briefest moment before muttering something and going to
sit parallel to her on the other side of the room.
Her brother was infuriating, but she loved him all the same.
Yusuke seemed content to hang back by the door. She wondered why he stayed, but
was not about to ask him to leave.
"I wanted to do something for you. Kazuma-kun mentioned some things he knew you
liked," she laughed, just a little, "so I thought I could make you some things
to cheer you up."
She dug through the little basket, happily ignoring his open staring.
"Let's see…"
"You didn't have to," he said softly.
"I know." She looked up, met his eyes; as always, she felt that pang of
visceral recognition that she knew he felt. She hadn't known what it had been
that first meeting, but now that feeling was something she treasured. She
smiled. "I wanted to."
He blushed and looked away.
"Won't you come look?" She held out a paper box patterned with hearts and
stars.
He took a deep breath. Then he stood and came to kneel beside her, not as close
as she'd have liked, but just close enough that she could hand him his treats.
"Try this one."
He took the box with gentle hands and opened it.
"Kazuma-kun said you you like strawberry, so these are little strawberry
shortcakes."
Hiei lifted one out of the box with reverent fingers.
She had spent a long time on the little cakes. She was proud of how glossy the
strawberries were, how fluffy the cream.
She wanted her brother to have all the nice things he'd never ask for for
himself.
He glanced at her, then back down at the cake in his hands. "You made this."
"Yes." She paused, then her smile widened. "For you, Hiei-san."
He flinched. "You shouldn't have."
"I wanted to."
"Why?"
Because you're my brother.
"Because you're family."
He nearly dropped the cake as he spun to stare at her.
She looked out on the garden; one hand rose and she touched the washcloth on
her neck, turning its dampness back into thick ice. "Everyone has done what
they can," she said over the crackling of the washcloth. "Yusuke and Kazuma-kun
and Kurama were all very worried about you, Hiei-san. Keiko made dinners and
had Yusuke bring them for everyone staying here when you were ill. Kazuma-kun
stayed here overnight sometimes so Yusuke could go home and see his mother, and
on days he had school, Botan would take Kazuma-kun so he wouldn't be late. Even
Yanagisawa and Kaito did their best to help Kurama so he could be here for
you."
She could feel his youki tremble: his youki was so strange and yet so familiar,
his ice the same as hers, but drenched in a fire that stood between them as an
insurmountable wall.
"For them, there was never a question as to why they should do these things."
She couldn't help but touch the stone beneath her clothes, pressing it tight to
her skin over her core. She could feel her mother's, their mother's, love
through it.
She wondered what happened to her own stone; Rui had promised she'd given it to
Hiei before casting him down to the Youmakai below.
Yukina hadn't found the right time to give her brother his stone.
She would.
Hiei was stubborn, but so was she. Maybe even more so.
"We take care of the people we love, Hiei-san." She looked at him then, and saw
the terror and shock on his face.
His eyes were watering.
She wondered if he cried hiruseki stones as she did.
She didn't know what had happened to him. Something had, before that terrible
fire that had seared itself along her insides: for the first and only time, her
mother's stone had radiated fear and pain instead of calm love. No one would
speak of it, but there was a heavy ghost haunting all of them.
None of them were the same. Not Yusuke, or Kazuma, or Kurama.
Especially not Kurama.
Especially not her brother.
She knew what that black fire that had engulfed her that morning had meant.
It broke her heart.
She had debated telling him she knew who he was by throwing herself at him and
refusing to let him run from her again. But she didn't know his reasons for not
telling her, and especially now, seeing how fragile and hurt he was, she was
glad she hadn't.
She turned back to face the garden even if she didn't see it. "And the people
we love are our family. Kazuma-kun, Shizuru, Yusuke, Kurama, Botan, Keiko,
Genkai-sama… This is my family now, Hiei-san, more than any kourime. My family
are these people who I care for, who care for me. That includes you."
She heard him swallow, hard. The paper cup around the shortcake crinkled as he
put it down.
"So when someone in my family is hurt, it hurts me too. I love everyone in my
family." She touched the stone again.
His breathing was fast, too fast.
Softly, she said, "We that are born of the kourime are supposed to have frozen
cores, but I've never felt that way. Perhaps my twin, who was said to be of
fire, melted something in me before we were born. Perhaps that's why I can
love. Perhaps that's why when you were unwell, it hurt me so."
She knew he was crying, as silently as he could. 
She kept her wet eyes on the garden. 
She heard his tears as small taps falling to the tatami. She closed her eyes.
Brother.
She let herself feel the surge of love and joy that his tears were stones as
hers were. They were already so different, but in this…
She reached up and refroze the washcloth while she waited for him to calm. She
heard him sniff and the shift of cloth, and then he picked up the cake again.
She listened to him eat. When he was done, she turned and smiled at him. "Did
you like it?"
"Yes," he said softly. He met her eyes; though his eyes were still wet, they
were calm, focused, and her heart soared. "Thank you."
***** Chapter 18 *****
Chapter Summary
     No one is happy.
Chapter Notes
     Sorry this one's a little short. The next two make up for it.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Hiei found Genkai lounging in one of the smaller rooms, flipping through the TV
channels, a fan pointed directly at her.
"You're up and about, I see."
He held out the paper and ink he'd swiped from the shrine on the hill. "I need
you to write a seal for me."
She blinked at him. "What kind of seal?"
He frowned at her.
Her eyes narrowed. "Hiei-"
"I'm not one of your little-" He froze.
She watched him.
Shaking his head, he snarled. "I made Yusuke promise."
"I know."
He frowned. "He told you."
"Did you think he wouldn't?"
He shook his head. "Then you understand."
"Just because Yusuke told me what you asked of him doesn't mean that I
understand or agree." She sat up. "If you die, Kurama will die as well."
"Do you think I don't know that?!"
"And you don't care?"
He flinched and looked away. "It's not getting better. You told me yourself I
need to take care of myself first."
She sighed. "You've been out of the Territory for less than a month. Getting
better isn't going to happen immediately. You know that."
"I know." He closed his eyes. "But if it doesn't get better, I…"
"Do you have any idea what you've done to Yusuke by asking him to be
responsible for this?"
He glared at her. "Yes, I know exactly what I've asked of him."
"Do you?" She watched him, frowning. "He may be youkai now, but he's still a
human child. He doesn't have your morality, Hiei, or your experience with
death. He's never lost a friend. He's never killed anyone who wasn't trying to
kill him first." Her glare sharpened. "It's unforgivable what you've asked of
him."
"Why should I suffer for what Higashiyama has done?! Why should I have to live
with this," he gestured to himself, "this body broken by the one person who I-
" He stopped himself. "No, I'm not doing this. Either help me or don't."
She snorted. "Yusuke said you gave him an ultimatum as well. Either he helps
you or you do it yourself."
"Yes."
She shook her head. "You're a coward, Hiei."
"I don't care." He bared his teeth at her. "Do you have any idea-"
"No, I don't. None of us can. Your suffering is enormous." She narrowed her
eyes at him. "But that doesn't mean-"
He turned on his heel.
"Hiei."
"What?"
"Think about what you've asked Yusuke. He will be responsible for your death,
and the death of Kurama. With one action, he will kill two people he loves and
trusts. He will spend the rest of his life laden with the guilt of having
killed you and Kurama. He will wonder what he could have done differently to
keep you alive. He will suffer, Hiei, because of this which you've asked of
him."
"But he's the only one I trust," Hiei said softly.
Genkai sighed. "I know. And while I'm happy you can trust him, you…"
He glanced at her over his shoulder. "Would it kill him? To kill me?"
"Plainly said, yes."
Hiei closed his eyes. He lowered his head.
"Don't ask this of him, Hiei."
"At least if he does it, it's over in a moment. Will he not feel guilt if I do
it myself?" he asked quietly.
"Yes, he will." She sighed. "Anyone who has lost someone to suicide feels that
guilt."
"What would you have me do? Suffer like this for the rest of eternity because
it'll keep Yusuke from feeling guilt? " He wrapped his arms around himself.
"You don't know what you're asking me to do."
She sighed. "I don't have an answer for you. But I won't write that seal. I
won't do that to Yusuke."
Hiei left.
 
——
 
Restless, Hiei went up the transmission tower.
This high up, he could see Genkai's complex and Yusuke's apartment, Kuwabara's
house and Keiko's home, and everything in between.
There was Yusuke's little school, where Hiei had given Yusuke the video from
Koenma, before he'd gone off to find Yukina alone.
There was the warehouse he had taken Keiko, where he'd stabbed Kurama, where
he'd been bested by Yusuke's stupid luck.
There was the covered walkway where he'd eaten udon with Kurama, then twice
with Yusuke.
There was the bridge Kurama had thrown himself from in another life.
There was Kurama's house.
Hiei sighed and sat on one of the girders.
There was a tension in him, at all times now: terror lived just beneath his
skin, and the slightest provocation could set his blood racing and his mind
blank with fear. It wasn't as bad as it was when he'd first awakened from the
Territory, but it was like comparing a monsoon to a hurricane.
He still felt Kurama under his skin.
He just wanted it to stop.
He wanted it all to stop.
Sitting beneath Makai's glorious orange skies with Kurama by his side was the
last time Hiei could remember being unreservedly happy.
But now, even remembering that time, all he could see were Youko Kurama's
golden eyes.
Which was a sinkhole of its own.
He wanted it to stop.
From a pocket, he pulled one of the hard cookies Yukina had made for him. It
was shaped like a leaf for some reason, and sweet in a different way than he
was expecting. He nibbled the edge of it, letting its unique sweetness fill his
mouth.
Last night, Kurama had held him and for the first time since that glorious
golden afternoon in Makai, Hiei had thought he might be able to remember what
happiness felt like.
It was sweet, like this little cookie.
He had cried in front of Yukina.
He put the rest of the cookie back in his pocket.
He didn't even know who he was anymore.
'It's too much! Please, Kurama, I can't! I don't know what to think when I'm
around you! I don't know anything. I don't know who you are, or who I am or…
Please, Kurama, I can't do this! Please!'
He curled up on the girder, wrapping his arms around himself.
It wasn't just his fears. If it had been fears alone, he might have been able
to survive. Fears were conquerable. He had the Jagan and kokuryuha to prove it.
His entire life had been an exercise in fear. He'd only gotten stronger because
he'd been afraid.
But the Territory had taken things he wanted and given him the worst, most
twisted versions of it.
Kurama loved him, but as a possession.
Kurama loved him, but only on his own terms.
Kurama loved him, but wanted to destroy him.
He was shaking.
Genkai had suggested taking the two Kuramas and separating them, forcing
himself to acknowledge them as different people, who thought differently and
behaved differently. Sometimes it worked.
That Kurama would never cry while holding Hiei.
That Kurama would never beg Hiei to drown him in order to be close to him.
That Kurama would never have been willing to give up his life to save Hiei.
And this Kurama-
But that's where it broke down.
Because he still didn't trust this Kurama, no matter how much he wanted to.
He didn't know if he ever would.
 
——
 
Kurama spun his pen around his finger. He absently touched the leaf of one of
his plants, and it arched towards him. He rubbed his thumb over the leaf,
stroking down its spines.
Hiei's face is flushed, his eyes lined in red from tears; hirui stones surround
them, falling now even as Hiei pants. His eyes are locked on Kurama's, and his
expression shifts between passion and fear, vulnerability and challenge. The
only sound is the soft slick of Hiei's hands as they move and Hiei's caught and
stuttered breath, occasionally joined by a whine so quiet Kurama wonders if
Hiei even hears himself.
Kurama sighed. He frowned down at the paper before him. Normally the droll
repetition of schoolwork was a comfort.
Blearily, Kurama watches Hiei's pleasure-tight face. Hiei's hands tremble, and
the movement of his hips in Kurama's lap changes from smooth to fervent. Hiei's
breath hitches, his teeth clenching; he's biting back a cry that Kurama is
desperate to hear. Kurama's hands, slick with sweat and oil, itch to touch Hiei
everywhere, but he keeps them locked where they are, clutching at Hiei's hips.
Hiei's eyes slam shut; his hands squeeze their cocks together all the tighter.
He shifted, if only to acknowledge the heat tightening his pants.
"Shuichi?"
He turned; his other hand pressed hard down on his crotch, hiding his erection.
"Mother?"
Shiori's head popped in through the ajar door. "How is your homework going?"
"Well enough," Kurama said lightly. His cock twitched, the pressure doing
absolutely nothing to diminish his desire.
"I'm going to head out then." She crossed the room and kissed him on the head.
"You work too hard, Shuichi."
"Mother…"
"You were ill recently," she said; she swept his bangs back off his forehead
and pressed her wrist there. "You still seem a bit feverish."
He smiled; his cock was throbbing, and he knew his face was flushed. "I'm okay,
Mother, I promise."
"Still." She shook her head. "If you're feeling better tomorrow, you'll come to
Hatanaka's for lunch, won't you?"
Shit. I forgot!
"Of course." Kurama smiled.
Damn it!
"Well, that's fine then," she smiled. She caressed his head, smoothing down his
hair. "Goodnight, Shuichi."
"Goodnight, Mother."
She leaned down and kissed the top of his head. "I love you, sleep well." She
patted his head once more and left. He listened as she made her way down the
stairs and fussed about in the entranceway. A few minutes later, he heard the
door shut and the locks tumble shut, the opening of the car door, the rumble of
the engine, the door closing, the crackle of tires on gravel as the car moved
away.
Damn it.
Kurama sighed.
I'll have to tell Yusuke.
He glanced at the phone on the corner of his desk.
He didn't call.
Hiei's laugh is dark and heady; his nails draw claw marks down the veneer of
the desk. 'More!' He rises to his shaking tiptoes and Kurama shoves into him,
earning a groan. Hiei spreads his hands and sweeps everything off the desk and
onto the floor. Through his own grunting and Hiei's moaned demands, Kurama
hears the tone of the uncradled handset.
Kurama put his head down on his folded arms.
Hiei.
Hiei's eyes, bright and furious and wet, soften just enough that Kurama, having
studied Hiei with the devotion of a zealot, knows Hiei is aching, close to his
own release. Hiei bares his teeth, but his lips are trembling, and he looks up
at Kurama with want and terror and adoration.
I know which one I prefer.
Hiei.
A familiar click drew his attention.
Chapter End Notes
     I had hoped to have been done with the sequel to this by now so that
     I could maintain my daily posting schedule, but unfortunately that
     isn't going to be possible. :( I'm really upset about this, and I do
     hope you'll all hang on for it when it's up. I'm hoping it won't take
     too long.
***** Chapter 19 *****
Chapter Summary
     Back to where it all went to hell.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
What am I doing?
Hiei crouched on the branch, the branch that Kurama had stretched towards his
bedroom window, the branch Kurama had reinforced last year, before the
Tournament, before this whole mess. It had been right after Koenma had handed
down his idiotic 'probationary' sentence.
Putting Kurama in charge of me. Complete stupidity. Typical of Koenma, really.
The branch had been a pointless gesture, one that had originally irritated Hiei
so much that he considered destroying the entire tree. Kurama knew Hiei could
have jumped from the ground to Kurama's second story window and let himself in
with time and distance to spare. Hiei had felt patronized, disrespected. He
didn't need a step-stool.
But Hiei had realized what it meant after the first time he had opened the
window and let himself into Kurama's human bedroom. Kurama had smiled at him,
and Hiei remembered his suspicious wonder at why Kurama looked so relieved.
He was inviting me in. Into his world, into his home. Into his life.
Kurama.
Kurama, whose voice now always felt heavy with grief, with the sad eyes, who
sat at his desk, staring off into the corner, unseeing.
Kurama, whose blood-streaked eyes had stared up at Hiei with determination and
love.
Kurama, who had fallen completely apart as Hiei had touched him, begging for
something he could barely articulate, who didn't seem to know there were tears
in his own eyes as he whispered Hiei's name like a prayer.
Kurama, who had kissed him gently that morning and left him in the open room
before the garden, with a smile that did nothing to hide his misery.
Hiei frowned. He slid the window open and dropped into the room.
Kurama looked up, eyes wide. "Hiei?"
Hiei straightened-
Kurama glances over his shoulder; his youki whips around him with rage even as
his face remains neutral, bored even. His eyes narrow, just slightly, and
Hiei's nerves turn to ice with fear and he realizes he has never feared Kurama
like this-
The room was a little different than he remembered. The desk and dresser had
exchanged places, and Kurama's bed was a mess of sheets. There were less
plants, and none that Hiei knew from the Makai.
Did they die while without his youki to support them when he was in the
Territory?
There were no little pots of innocent-looking vines in the corners.
"Hiei, why…" Kurama stood.
"I wanted to see you," Hiei said simply. He reached for the hem of his shirt
before he realized what he was doing.
'Undress,' Kurama says, his voice hard. He turns his back on Hiei, but Hiei can
feel his youki swell with fury-
Hiei's hands balled into fists.
Kurama frowns at his own reflection as he dabs the cream on the mark Hiei has
given him. 'You see, people care about me.' Terror and shame stab through
Hiei's stomach.
Kurama was watching him, he knew.
Kurama's belt jingles as he opens it-
Hiei fought against his raging blood, the tightness in his chest that had him
gasping for air.
"It was here, wasn't it?" Kurama whispered. "That I…"
Kurama's hands grip Hiei's hips-
Hiei nodded sharply.
"Hiei, you shouldn't have come," Kurama said, taking a step closer.
"I wanted to," Hiei growled.
'You are mine, Hiei.'
His head felt light.
His throat is burning from screaming. Agony and fire and that horrible deep
wrongness are tearing him apart-
Kurama came closer. "Maybe at some point, but-"
"You don't decide for me!" Hiei snarled. He swayed on his feet.
Kurama stopped; he raised his hands in appeasement. "No, Hiei, I don't. And I
won't."
Leaning against the windowsill for balance, Hiei turned to him.
Kurama was looking down at his desk, his eyes dark. Hiei watched him, but
Kurama was lost in his own thoughts; his fingers brushed along the desktop. His
brows furrowed, his shoulders hunched-
"For you as well?" Hiei rasped.
Kurama nodded. "My experience was different than yours though," he said softly.
Kurama laughs, angling his hips; sweat dampens his brow and darkens his hair at
the root. Hiei wishes for death. Kurama reaches forward and his thumb drags
over Hiei's cheek on top of the bruise, with just enough pressure to make it
hurt, insult to injury. 'So beautiful.'
Hiei sank into a crouch.
I shouldn't have come.
He closed his eyes.
Why am I hard?
I hate you!
"What do you need, Hiei?"
Hiei looked up. Kurama stood by his desk, his white-knuckled hand gripping the
back of his chair, looking away. His face was flushed.
What I need.
Yusuke, crouching on top of the boulder, watches Hiei move through simpler
forms of the jaou ensatsu as he ignores Yusuke. 'The last thing you remember of
Kurama is probably probably fucking terrible. Wouldn't it be better if it was
just a nice quiet conversation?' Hiei snarls and throws a ball of black fire at
him, but Yusuke bats it away, laughing.
What I need.
Kurama's mouth tastes like honey and blood; his warm hands spread over Hiei's
back and his hands feel like safety-
He looked up.
Kurama met his eyes.
Hiei sat and pulled off his shoes. He kept on the rest of his clothes, so it
didn't feel the same-
Not the same!
"In my Territory," Hiei said. He lined his shoes up against the wall. He looked
up at Kurama. "You… started everything. It was always your choice." He
swallowed. "All of it."
Kurama said nothing, but Hiei could see the way his jaw tightened.
"How was it for you?"
Kurama looked away. "For me, it was you that initiated." He opened his mouth
about to say more, then stopped, shaking his head.
I shouldn't have come.
"You said I was cruel to you," Hiei said through his teeth.
Kurama's shoulders tightened.
"Kurama."
"Yes."
"I hurt you."
Kurama closed his eyes. "Only with words."
"That counts."
One corner of Kurama's mouth quirked upward, just a hair, but Hiei knew Kurama
and saw it all the same. "Yes, it does, doesn't it?"
Hiei stood. He moved to the middle of the room. He left the window open behind
him and ignored the flare of shame when Kurama glanced at it before meeting his
eyes again, his face softening with something that might have been pity.
"Kurama."
Kurama looked up at him.
"Come here."
He's hesitating.
"In your Territory, I… I didn't… I didn't ask, did I?" Hiei said softly.
Kurama's silence was enough of an answer.
"So I am asking." Hiei looked around the room again. "Even that idiot Yusuke
says something right once in a while. We need new memories." He held out his
hand. "I want you. The real you. And I… don't want to be afraid of you."
Kurama blushed but nodded. He reached and took Hiei's hand and came to stand
beside him.
They stared at one another.
"What do you want to do?" Kurama whispered.
Hiei watched him for a long moment. "I didn't have anything in particular in
mind."
Kurama's brows twitched. He looked away; his face was flushing even further.
But you do?
"Do you?" Hiei asked, his voice low.
Kurama raised Hiei's hand and brushed his lips over Hiei's knuckles; he seemed
to like doing that, Hiei realized. A warmth pulsed beneath his stomach.
"I want you, Hiei," Kurama said softly. "There is…" A darkening flush spread
over his cheeks, and he swallowed, looking down.
The warmth spread like honey up through Hiei's chest, and down in long, liquid
coils.
Kurama glanced up at Hiei before looking away again. "There is something I'd
like to do with you. If… If we can."
What is this sudden shyness?
Seeing Kurama skirt around saying what he wanted made Hiei's hardness ache. He
knew he was staring, but seeing Kurama's sudden skittishness was too
captivating. "Fine."
Kurama looked up. "If it's too much-"
"I'll tell you to stop."
"And I'll stop."
They nodded at each other.
Kurama looked around his room. "If… It may be easiest if you sit. On the bed,
or the chair."
Hiei went to the chair. He sat. He put his hands on the arm rests and peered up
at Kurama.
Kurama stood before him. He looked down at Hiei. He touched Hiei's chin with
one finger, his eyes soft.
Kurama.
He could tell Kurama wanted to say something.
But he didn't say it, whatever it was.
Then he knelt. He slowly reached for the belts on Hiei's waist.
"Kurama?"
"You were on your knees for me once, Hiei-"
'You got on your knees for me once, Hiei. I didn't ask that of you.'
"Stop!"
'I have known for some time that you want nothing more than to be taken whole.'
'I seem to recall how much pleasure you got from being taken.'
"Hiei?"
Hiei pressed his hands on either side of his head. "Stop," he whispered.
'You are already mine. You gave yourself to me.'
'Give yourself to me. All of yourself. As you did before.'
"Hiei!"
He opened his eyes and saw Kurama.
Kurama's hands gripped Hiei's knees; his eyes bored into Hiei's. "Tell me what
you need."
Hiei breathed.
He forced himself to keep his eyes on Kurama, seeing how not gold his eyes
were, how lost his expression, how tangled his hair. He looked down to Kurama's
clothes, to the unbuttoned collar of his normal human shirt, the fabric pressed
and orderly and neat as always, down his long-sleeved arms to his buttoned
cuffs, to his hands on Hiei's knees, his nails clean and neatly trimmed, the
skin on the back of his hands smooth and clean of scars, the veins under his
skin dark and pulsing with steady confidence.
Hiei breathed.
"What do you need, Hiei?"
"The first time you, he tried to drown me in the Territory. I resisted. I told
him…" He swallowed. "He demanded that I go to him on my knees," he finished in
a rush; he knew if he paused he'd stop entirely. "He said…" He faltered.
"Hiei…"
Hiei closed his eyes. "'You got on your knees for me once. I didn't ask that of
you.'" The words tasted like poison.
Kurama's sharp gasp made Hiei tremble.
"And… more. He… Here, you didn't know." Hiei opened his eyes and glared at the
hateful blank ceiling. "He said so much to me and you've said so much and I… I
never know… what…" He growled, unable to continue.
Kurama's thumb rubbed circles on the insides of Hiei's knees.
Hiei breathed. He focused on the feeling of Kurama's hands, on the pull of
Kurama's fingers against the cloth of Hiei's trousers, on the low humid heat
radiating from Kurama's hands. He focused on the sound of Kurama's breathing.
"Hiei," Kurama said softly.
"What?"
"When I devoured you, after Urashima."
Hiei eyed him.
"Please. Hear me out. You said it meant everything to you, but I don't know if
you know what it meant to me."
Hiei nodded. He kept his eyes on the ceiling.
"You know I am… older than you are." Kurama's voice was barely more than a
whisper. "And when we were both in Youmakai, our lives were different." He
shook his head. "Very different," he repeated quietly.
Hiei nodded.
"For we Youko, to devour was never an act of exerting dominance. It was not
meant for that, nor was it ever used in that way."
Hiei looked down. He watched as Kurama bowed his head; Kurama's hands on Hiei's
knees stilled.
"I have heard that the dynamic which is natural to us Youko is not universal
across Youmakai. For us, devouring could be an act of… community, in a way, or
at least communion, or even family, if you can call it that, considering how
solitary we Youko tended to be."
'Was.'
'Tended.'
"Are there no more Youko?" Hiei whispered.
Are you the only Youko left?
"There are very few Youko alive." Kurama tilted his lowered head, and though
Hiei couldn't see his face, he knew the exact regretful smile Kurama wore.
"Even fewer now, I suppose, considering my own status." He sighed. "And there
are different… kinds of devourings. The devouring most common amongst us Youko
was one that allowed a stronger Youko to help a weaker, younger Youko find his
way, by offering protection and support. It was a way for a adult and a kit to
be aware of one another while the adult was away from the den. It was a way for
hunting groups to stay abreast of one another's locations and well-being, which
was critical considering how much trouble we got ourselves into." He paused.
"Sometimes it was simply because devouring feels good, just as touching feels
good, as closeness feels good," he finished softly.
"Locations." Hiei touched Kurama's cheek; Kurama looked up. "What do you mean,
locations?"
Kurama's eyes were carefully neutral. "Hiei, you found me yesterday, after I
hid myself completely. My youki, my reiki… There was no reason why you should
have found me so quickly."
"I looked for you. It's that simple."
"How many places did you look before you found me?"
Hiei frowned.
"It can be subtle, and our connection is still new, and you've never devoured
or been devoured before, so the effects may not be as noticeable. But over
time…" Kurama touched the back of Hiei's hand. His fingers trembled.
Over time.
Hiei swallowed.
You had said before something about our future.
Kurama.
He couldn't let himself think further than that. He wrapped his fingers around
Kurama's. "Go on."
Kurama nodded. He watched Hiei's face as he spoke. "When I devoured you that
night after Urashima, it was never to force you to obey me, or force your
submission to me. You might call it a gift, but also an openness. It was…" He
drifted off and looked away, but Hiei grabbed his face and held him steady
until Kurama met his eyes again.
"What was it?" Hiei's voice was low and velvet.
"It was me giving you a part of myself," Kurama breathed. "My youki. My body.
My…" Kurama shook his head, unable or at least unwilling to continue. "I would
never demand anything of you, Hiei. Not then, not now, not ever." Kurama leaned
forward then, eyes flashing, teeth sharp. "Never, Hiei."
 
——
 
Hiei nodded solemnly. "You wanted me to drown you, yesterday, when…"
When we were fucking.
You were so beautiful, Hiei.
"Yes." Kurama looked up into Hiei's eyes; there was something there that Hiei
was holding back, and it infuriated Kurama that he couldn't tell what it was.
"I wanted to be close to you." He swallowed, mouth salivating as his mind
returned to dwell on his original plans. "As I want to be close to you now."
Now, and always.
Kurama's hands squeezed Hiei's knees. He could feel Hiei's heat, an inferno
barely contained beneath his skin.
How will you react when my mouth is around your cock, Hiei?
Will you thrash your hips or will you melt?
Will you let yourself come down my throat?
Will you scream my name?
Kurama shifted. His erection was heavy and aching; the inside of his underwear
was already soggy.
Hiei nodded. "The pain is irrelevant to you."
For a moment, Kurama forgot what they were supposed to be talking about. His
hands dragged up Hiei's thighs, if only to give him a moment to think clearly.
The devouring. Right. Yesterday.
"If you are thinking about it as pain, yes, I suppose that's true." He rose a
little on his knees, until their eyes were level. "But it's not pain, not
really. It's intensity. Feeling. Closeness," he breathed. "That you haven't
felt it that way yet is an error on my part." His hand rose; he stroked the
line of Hiei's jaw with his thumb. "An error I'd like to correct, when you're
ready. Only when you're ready."
Hiei shivered.
Oh, Hiei!
Kurama gently stroked his thumb over Hiei's bottom lip.
I will do everything I can to help you push aside what you suffered in the
Territory.
I will do everything I can to change the thought of me to something simple and
wonderful for you.
Hiei opened his mouth, slightly. Kurama's thumb swiped against the soft wetness
just inside his lips.
Hiei!
Hiei inhaled shakily and Kurama's hand returned to Hiei's knee. "There was… You
were saying you wanted…" Hiei bared his teeth. "You wanted to do something."
Beneath Kurama's hand, blood flew through Hiei's veins.
Kurama nodded. "Yes."
Are you going to make me beg, Hiei?
The thought sent tendrils of desire through him.
You can.
You can ask anything of me, Hiei.
Hiei nodded. He took in a deep breath. He leaned back in the chair, his fisted
hands laying on the arm rests, eyes dark.
Oh, fuck, Hiei.
Kurama sank back down to sit on his ankles, his head lowered.
I'm going to come just by looking at you.
Breathe, damn it!
Kurama took a slow and steady breath.
Oh but you unmake me, Hiei.
Let me show you what you do to me.
Kurama looked up; Hiei's eyes followed him as he stood. Kurama's fingers darted
down the front of his shirt, undoing the buttons with practiced speed; he undid
the buttons on his cuffs with the same dexterity. He shrugged the shirt from
his shoulders and tossed it on the bed behind him.
He's watching me.
Kurama tried not to preen under Hiei's gaze but he had to look away. He
unbuttoned his trousers and shed them quickly. His face was flushing as he
stood.
A moment's hesitation, then Kurama looked up into Hiei's eyes.
Hiei was watching him with hunger, and though there was just enough fear to
make Kurama's heart hurt, it was the hunger and need and lust on Hiei's face
that brought him nearly to climax. Kurama looked down, his breath heavy, his
hands clenched in fists at his sides.
Fuck, Hiei-
"Are you just going to stand there in your little pants or are you going to
come show me what has you blushing like that?"
Kurama's entire body was strung tight. "Hiei-"
He could taste Hiei's amusement; was this the devouring? "You seem to be
distracted, Kurama," Hiei continued, voice heavy and quiet, soft as silk. "I
wonder what you're thinking about."
The room flooded with the scent of fire.
"Hiei," Kurama whispered. His eyes closed. His own youki boiled over itself,
aching to be drowned in Hiei's flames.
He felt Hiei pause.
"Please," Kurama murmured. "Please, Hiei, I need you." He pulled his youki out
and down, laying himself bare and ready, hoping, praying that Hiei would-
Then the wildfire was upon him.
This is why he calls it drowning.
He floundered in this well of fire that swept up and around him, stealing the
very air from his lungs and all thought from his head. The coiled pleasure in
his core paled against the brilliance that was Hiei. His own youki, soft and
white and nebulous, vanished in a flash: Kurama heard himself cry out, and,
distantly, Hiei's sharp gasp. Hiei's youki folded itself around Kurama,
supplanting white water for livid black flames and violent lightning, and
Kurama's mouth filled with sulfur and frozen blood and fury. Through the
flames, Kurama saw Hiei, watching him, eyes slits of pleasure, his lips parted,
his little red tongue darting out to wet them-
Kurama's entire body felt tight as a bowstring, about to snap. Lightning lanced
across Kurama's shoulders, delicious in its power, arcing though him. This was
so different from his own youki with its slow swell and ebb, and for a moment,
Kurama lost himself.
Heat and fire and closeness and the intensity he so craved built as Hiei
flashed through him, engulfing his youki without resistance. He felt Hiei
around him, tasted Hiei in his mouth, felt Hiei's skin against his,
overwhelming him, dismantling him, filling him, drowning him-
Kurama threw his head back with a cry as his orgasm swept through him, his mind
and mouth and lungs filled with Hiei.
 
——
 
Hiei had watched, in silence, as Kurama fell apart. He had reeled his youki
back in when Kurama swooned. The fires and sparks on his skin crackled as they
quieted.
Now, Kurama trembled and panted on his hands and knees, his skin gleaming with
sweat, his youki tentatively seeping forward from the depths of Kurama's core.
Hiei swallowed. Panic edged his thoughts.
Kurama's cries are raw and rough; his eyes are searching Hiei's, asking why
he's hurting, begging for him to help him, and there's nothing Hiei can do. He
has never felt more powerless. The drying blood on Kurama's cheeks cracks as
his face contorts and Hiei's hands uselessly clutch at Kurama's shoulders. He
has already felt the balance of their thoroughly jumbled youki fall entirely on
Kurama. Kurama's screams reach a fevered pitch and Hiei is panicking and
crying, his blood ice, wondering if killing himself would stop Kurama's pain-
Hiei's hands clutched at the arms of the chair.
Kurama's breathing eased.
"Ku-Kurama?" Hiei whispered.
Kurama nodded but didn't look up. "I'm okay, Hiei," he murmured, voice coarse.
"You haven't done anything wrong."
Hiei swallowed, but his throat was tight. "I-I-I-"
"You didn't hurt me, Hiei," Kurama said softly. He sat back on his haunches and
wiped the sweat and tears off his face with the heels of his palms; his face
was calm, but his expression was guarded and unreadable and his eyes were dark,
too dark-
Hiei's blood ran cold even as panic made his hands clench at the chair arms
until his knuckles were white. He glanced at the window-
"Hiei, it's okay. I'm okay." Kurama watched him for a moment before standing.
He swayed for a second, then came and slid down to his knees before Hiei.
Hiei covered his face with his hands.
"Hiei," Kurama said. His hands went to Hiei's waist; his thumbs stroked at
Hiei's hipbones.
Hiei flinched.
Kurama moved his hands down to Hiei's thighs. "Hiei, you've done nothing wrong.
I'm okay. You didn't hurt me. This was exactly right. It's exactly what I
wanted."
Kurama's face is lined with tears of blood-
Blood and bruises and wounds cover Kurama's body; he moans as Hiei raises his
arm out of the way to clean the gouges over his ribs, so deep that-
Kurama's brine-soaked hair lashes his face and neck in black cords, and his
skin is cold and wet and grey-
"I can't do this," Hiei whispered.
"Hiei, talk to me."
Kurama's eyes flare gold as he looks up, blood dripping down his cheek from
Hiei's strike-
"You haven't hurt me, Hiei. You can't hurt me."
"Don't say that," Hiei hissed. "I can. I… I always can."
That sorrow returned to Kurama's voice. "You can, Hiei, yes, but you won't. You
don't want to hurt me."
"I don't," Hiei whispered. He lowered his hands and peered at Kurama over his
fingertips. He was crying, he knew, but everything hurt and he was so tired of
it hurting… "I don't want this," he whispered.
Kurama nodded. "I know. I wish I could…" He drifted off.
Hiei reached for him, and Kurama gathered him in his arms. Hiei pressed his
face against the side of Kurama's neck, breathing in his earthy-honey scent,
and began to sob.
Chapter End Notes
     :(
***** Chapter 20 *****
Chapter Summary
     The end.
     -- --
     Please note the tags.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Yusuke kicked his foot, impatience making him jittery.
Kurama came back from the kitchen with two glasses of orange juice, clinking
with ice. Yusuke took one, murmuring his thanks, and swung the straw around.
"He's still asleep?"
Kurama nodded. "Still-waters only this time. He… wanted to try without the end-
of-breath." He sipped his juice, face lowered.
"Kurama?"
"Hiei told me something, Yusuke."
"Yeah?"
"He said he made you promise to kill him."
Yusuke froze, straw in his mouth.
"Yusuke."
Yusuke put down the orange juice. He took a deep breath, and sighed. He opened
his mouth, paused for far too long, and then, deflating, nodded. "Yeah. Yeah,
he did. And I did."
Kurama looked down at the juice in his hands.
"Um, it's not that simple. He… He said he wanted a month, to try-"
"To try what, Yusuke?" Kurama whispered.
Yusuke leaned forward, his forearms on his knees. "To try, Kurama. You know.
Try being a fucking person and not be afraid all the time. Try being with you
and not thinking of the you in the Territory. To try figuring out what he
wants."
"And do you really think a month is going to make much of a difference?" Kurama
asked quietly.
"To be honest, I don't know." Yusuke hung his head. "I… He said if I didn't,
he'd just do it himself. And I thought, you know, maybe if I agree, then after
a month we can, I dunno, renegotiate."
"Renegotiate."
"Come on, Kurama, what could I say?"
"You could have said 'No'!" Kurama felt fury that tasted like fire rising in
his chest. "You've agreed to kill him, Yusuke! He-"
"Don't yell at me, Kurama! What am I supposed to do? If I don't promise him,
then he's gonna feel helpless, and then, who knows? He has a bad day next week
and thinks, 'Well, Yusuke's not gonna help me, so fuck it, I'll just kill
myself now!'"
Kurama flinched.
"But if he's counting on me, then doesn't that give him more support? Doesn't
he feel like, at the very fucking least, he can count on me to help him? If
he's thinking he's gonna suffer forever, what's the point? But if he knows it
has a fucking end date, doesn't that give him at least a little courage to push
through?" Yusuke's eyes were bright, his face pale.
What else did Hiei tell you?
"Do you intend on following through?"
"I just told you I'm gonna try to renegotiate. Ask for a little more time. If
he's made it through a month, maybe by then I can ask him for another." He
shook his head. "That's all I can do."
"And if he doesn't accept your renegotiation?"
Yusuke looked at him, meeting his eyes steadily.
Kurama got up to pace.
"Kurama-"
"Just shut up, Yusuke, for two fucking seconds." Kurama put his face in his
hands. His fox-brain was racing.
There was, unfortunately, a logic to what Yusuke was saying.
Every time he says he can't, isn't he just saying he can't do this forever?  He
kept saying he wants it to stop.
Cold fury or terror, he wasn't sure which, stiffened Kurama's muscles. "I swear
to you, Yusuke, if you go through with this-"
"Not that I don't want to hear your threats, but you do realize I'll be killing
you to, right?"
Kurama looked up at him. "Who told you that?"
"Hiei did."
Kurama's eyes narrowed.
"Is it true?"
They watched each other.
"Goddamn it, Kurama." Yusuke rubbed his hands over his face. "The two of you…"
"It's not that simple. If we're far enough apart, physically-"
"He said being apart from you hurts," Yusuke said softly.
Kurama started. "What?!"
Yusuke looked away. "It did in the Territory at least."
Did Hiei tell him… everything?  I don't know that I would have been able to
bear it.
Kurama felt nauseous. "You should have let me kill Higashiyama," he muttered.
"Yeah, a whole lot of good that'd do right now." Yusuke threw himself back into
the couch. "Then we'd get to deal with suicidal Hiei while you're off being
executed in Reikai. Fucking fantastic plan, Kurama. Just brilliant." Yusuke
snorted.
"If you think I'd actually let Koenma-"
"Can we not do this right now?" Yusuke rolled his head against the couch back
to look at him. "Please?"
Kurama looked away.
"Don't tell him whatever you were gonna say about distance, Kurama." Yusuke's
voice was soft, pleading. "If he's here, we can support him. If he thinks he
has to fuck off to god-knows-where in the Makai just to kill himself without us
being able to stop him…"
Kurama began to cry. "What else did he tell you?"
"A lot." Yusuke closed his eyes. Quietly, he said, "He told me everything that
happened in the Territory."
Kurama reached for Yusuke, and Yusuke took his hand. They held onto each other
for a long time, each lost in their own hells.
Kurama drew back first to hug his arms around himself. "I don't know how much
longer I can take this either, Yusuke. I can't take seeing him like this. It's
killing me as much as it's killing him. "
"You've stopped taking care of yourself, you know," Yusuke said softly. He
patted the couch next to him and, after a moment, Kurama sat. "You're only
focusing on him, but you're still hurting."
"It's not that," Kurama whispered. He swallowed. "Being around him does help.
Seeing him, the real him, is making it easier. I'm not only thinking of that
Hiei anymore."
Yusuke's laugh was small. "Guess I'm right about some things."
"I guess so." Kurama curled over himself. "I just don't know what to do. I
don't know how to help him. I…" He turned his head away. "I can't lose him,
Yusuke. I can't."
"None of us can. But he's…" Yusuke touched his shoulder. "Honestly, Kurama,
he's trying. He really is. I really don't think he wants to die. He just
doesn't want to hurt anymore."
"But how can you know that?" Kurama hissed. "It was just a few days ago that
he-"
"He only made me promise when he was done talking. It's the only time he's
asked." Yusuke's eyes were bright, focused, full of honest conviction.
"Besides, it's a feeling that I get. He's… he's trying, Kurama, he really-"
A flash of black upstairs made them both look up.
Kurama stood. "He's awake. I'll-"
"Wait."
Kurama looked down; Yusuke was frowning, looking up at the ceiling. "His youki
is-"
A wall of panic thrust through Kurama's heart. Staggering, he looked up at the
ceiling, clutching his chest.
"Hiei!" Yusuke shouted, already running for the stairs.
 
——
 
He doesn't know where he is.
This is Kurama's room.
But it's wrong-
But it doesn't smell like roses, but some other flower, familiar, that he can't
name-
But the vines are missing from their corners, and the bed is in the wrong
place-
He shakes his head, but the strange fog still muffles his thoughts and makes
his movements thick and slow.
He is in Kurama's bed.
He can feel Yusuke is downstairs with Kurama-
He is trembling. He clutches at his head, but even his claws against his scalp
don't feel like anything, just a dampened sort of ache-
Kurama strangles him with those elegant hands of his, smiling, whispering down
at him, his mouth full of bright sharp teeth-
No, that isn't-
Kurama holds him, as he sits in that chair, and smooths down his hair with
those elegant hands of his, and whispers assurances that things would be
different.
The sweet smell in the air is too thick. He feels like he can't breathe-
No, it's all wrong!
Kurama-
Kurama-
Which Kurama?
Kurama will come upstairs and then Yusuke will-
Why does he know what's going to happen?
He stumbles out of the bed, their bed, where Kurama is choking him and coming
inside him-
He cries out. He clutches at his head. Something is wrong, he knows it, but he
can't-
There's only all this dizziness, this strange distance in himself-
He doesn't feel right!
What's happening to him?!
Kurama!
The door is opening-
He shouts, putting up a wall of fire-
Kurama is going to hurt him, hurt Yusuke-
Yusuke who listened to him on the little table overlooking the dark shrine
complex, who cried as Hiei cried-
But when?
He told Yusuke the things-
The things Kurama is going to do-
The things Kurama did-
"Yusuke?" he rasps, but his throat isn't aching as he thinks it should be. He
looks behind him, but Yusuke isn't next to the bed where he-
Where he is supposed to be-
What is this cloying sweetness in the air?!
He can't breathe!
The vines tighten-
"Hiei!"
In the doorway, Yusuke-
He growls, filling the air with fire and lightning and stormclouds-
The plants in the room tremble-
"No more vines," he hears himself beg, "please, Kurama, please, no more vines,
I'll do whatever you want, just please-"
"Hiei!" Yusuke is coming closer now, but it isn't right, because then Yusuke
will hurt Kurama, and bind him, and then-
Why does he know what's going to happen?
Yusuke is going to hurt Kurama-
"No!"
"Hiei, you need to calm down-"
"I won't let you," he snarls. "You won't hurt him!" But he doesn't know who
he's talking to or about-
Yusuke raises his hands, but behind the concern Hiei can see the red in his
youkai eyes, and he knows he can't trust Yusuke!
Yusuke doesn't keep his promises!
"Liar!" he shouts-
"Yusuke, the still-waters!"
Kurama!
"He's still asleep!"
"He really doesn't look asleep, Kurama!"
"He's dreaming!"
He drags the bindings off his dragon with his teeth. He won't let Yusuke hurt
his Kurama-
He won't let Kurama touch him-
He won't-
He doesn't know anything!
There's still this strange fog-
There's still the smell of flowers-
Kurama stares up at him with blood on his face, and-
"Hiei, listen to me. You're having a nightmare," Kurama says.
"You promised not to hurt me!" he shouts. "You're hurting me now!"
Kurama's face is heartbreakingly sad, but no, Kurama is the one who hurt him,
who keeps hurting him, and he-
Kurama in the doorway, but no, it's backwards, Yusuke is supposed to be behind
him, between him and Kurama, so why is Kurama standing between him and Yusuke-
Kurama is standing between him and Yusuke, Hiei's stolen sword in his chest-
Yusuke lied to him!
He raises his arm. The dragon is laughing, and he starts to laugh too.
"Hiei!"
"You're hurting me, Kurama! Stop hurting me!" he laughs, and he can't stop
laughing, and his chest is aching-
"Hiei!"
He opens his hand, and he feels the dragon's joy-
He feels Kurama's hands on him, in him, slipping along his cock and making him
burn and hurt and want-
"Jaou-"
Kurama's eyes are bright and not at all gold, and he is crying-
Why is Kurama crying?
Who hurt Kurama?
"I don't want to hurt you anymore, Kurama," he whispers, and he's crying
himself, but his tears are hard and heavy as they fall-
"Hiei, you're hurt and you're scared. You're going to be okay. Do you see that
flower there, by the bed?"
There is a little white flower next to Hiei's pillow-
Kurama pushes him down, all his weight on his hands around his throat, but
Kurama's hips press harder and his back arches and he's about to break in half
and he can't breathe-
He screams, and Kurama is crying even harder now-
His dragon doesn't want to hurt Kurama!
He doesn't want to hurt Kurama!
"Please, Kurama, please," he begs, and he still doesn't know what he's begging
for-
"Hiei, please listen to me," Kurama says softly, "That flower is still-waters.
You know what flower it is. You're having a dream. Even though you think you're
awake, you're really dreaming. Can you lay down for me?"
Kurama lays him down on the bed, his arms strong and his face gentle, but it's
all lies-
"You're hurting me!" he screams. "You're hurting me now!"
He claws at his head, at the seal on his shoulder-
But there's nothing there, no seal, just a small patch of pinkish scar tissue-
He groans, and he wants to run, but the window is-
He leans against the windowsill, but the vines are there, and he knows how
angry Kurama is-
"Please, Kurama, I'll do whatever you want, just stop," he whispers, and he's
on his knees-
Kurama's eyes are slits of pleasure, watching as he chokes for air-
"Love, love!" he screams. "Let me breathe!"
"Hiei, it's just the still-waters. If you crush the flowers, you'll wake up.
The nightmare will end," Kurama's eyes are bright, and he's still crying-
"You just have to crush the flowers, Hiei. Can you do that, please?"
He shakes his head. "I don't want you, not like this," he whispers.
"Hiei, it's the still-waters. The still-waters are making things confusing."
Kurama points to the little flowers, to the bed, to the-
Kurama yanks him down and it hurts so much-
"Hiei, can I come and take the flowers?" Kurama whispers. "Please, Hiei, I
won't touch you-"
"Don't touch me!" he wails, and he claws at his shoulder, at his head, at his
face-
"Hiei, please, you're hurting yourself!"
"You're hurting me now," he gasps. "Please, Kurama, why?"
"Hiei, listen to your youki. Can you feel me? Can you feel that you're safe? I
won't hurt you, Hiei. I'll never hurt you. The flowers, Hiei, please, please
just crush the flowers, Hiei-"
"I don't want to do this anymore," he whispers, and he drags his youki out of
his chest-
His youki rolls before him, gray and black.
It is his youki, and Kurama's.
Kurama loves him.
For a moment, split in two with his youki apart from him, he feels a moment of
clarity: he knows this Kurama, this Yusuke, this room. He remembers the night
before.
Hiei remembers who he is.
"Kurama," Hiei whispers.
Kurama looks at him, reaches for him.
"Please, Kurama," Hiei whispers. He can feel the still-waters pressing against
his consciousness, and he feels things starting to go fuzzy at the edges. "Help
me, Kurama," he moans. "I-I can't do this anymore. Please, Kurama. Make it
stop."
Kurama nods. "I will, Hiei. I'm so sorry."
"I can't, Kurama, please."
"I know, Hiei," Kurama cries. "I'm going to make it stop."
"I don't care how, just please, Kurama, I can't do this anymore! Help me,
Kurama…"
He groans-
He's starting to lose himself again-
The still-waters is pressing on his mind, filling him with its scent-
"Promise me," Hiei whispers; his mind is going-
"I promise, Hiei." Kurama's eyes are bright. "I love you, Hiei."
He knows he's about to shatter. He looks at Kurama. He is crying, but this is
different. His heart is breaking.
Hiei knows he is going to die.
Kurama will kill him.
"I love you, Kurama," he whispers, smiling-
Then the white is upon him, and he's fading, his claws are scratching at
nothing and he can't breathe-
"Kurama!" he shrieks. "Kurama, help me!"
His youki is fracturing-
He's on fire-
He sets his youki on fire-
"Hiei, no!"
He's on fire and he's dying and Kurama won't let him die-
"Kurama, help me! You're hurting me!"
"Hiei!"
Shaking, he takes a step backwards-
Why is the bed behind him-
He's falling-
Falling from the cold sky-
He screams, and in his scream, he pushes the dragon, he wills it to go-
All his youki vanishes.
 
——
 
"Kurama!"
On his knees, Kurama clutched at his head. His teeth vibrated in his skull, and
he wondered if his human heart would be able to take the strain.
Hiei was fighting him.
Hiei's youki was fighting him.
Hiei's dragon was fighting him.
And his own youki was fighting him.
With Hiei in such a state, his youki was untethered and aggressive.
And with Hiei as empty as he was, Kurama's own youki needed to go to him-
And Kurama needed to hold them all.
At least until-
He groaned, and tasted blood.
Again.
It was too much.
It hurt.
"Kurama!"
He couldn't tell Yusuke to shut up because that would have break the fragile
control he had over the torrent of black rage and fear.
He hadn't really understood how afraid Hiei was.
Hiei's youki rioted with fear; panicked, it fought Kurama, lashing against him
with lightning and fire and thorns, thrashing against his control with all of
its power. The dragon wound its way through Kurama's youki, incinerating
everything it passed in a horrible black fire.
Before, it would have been hard. Now, keeping his own trembling youki back
while suppressing all of Hiei's, while keeping Hiei from being able to control
his own youki-
Tentatively, shakily, he clawed at the back of his neck, searching for a
particular seed. Many fell, but he managed to gather the one: without
prompting, it flowered, huge and looming, its roots wrapping around his wrist
and forearm, fed by his youki and Hiei's and the crackling power Kurama was
barely able to keep contained beneath his own skin.
He could distantly hear Hiei screaming.
Yusuke, wonderful intuitive loving Yusuke, understood without a word. He
grabbed two of the smallest leaves and crushed them in his fingers.
Through bleary eyes, Kurama watched Yusuke cross the room and gather a shaking,
flailing Hiei in his arms. He fisted Hiei's hair and dragged his head back and
wiped his fingers and the leaves on Hiei's frantic tongue.
Hiei stilled.
Hiei's youki stilled.
Hiei's dragon circled, unsure, but without Hiei's terror feeding it, it was
content to wait.
Kurama gasped for breath.
He couldn't let any of it go.
There was still a chance Hiei would awaken-
"Ssss," he tried to speak, but he couldn't focus enough to get the words to
form.
"Kurama, what do you need?" Yusuke asked, in front of him, his voice soft.
Kurama clutched at Yusuke. He couldn't catch his breath, and it was getting
harder and harder to keep all this youki beneath his skin and-
He felt himself start to shift, and-
Oh.
For a Youko, this power was nothing. He'd traded in power more and less than
this, easily, for centuries.
Kurama looked down at his arms, bare and pale, his claws long and sharp in
Yusuke's shirt.
Yusuke took a few stumbling steps backwards.
Hiei's youki rolled within and without Kurama's, quiet and soft, curious and
unafraid.
He stood. His room, his bedroom, looked so strange and different to him, the
angles all wrong.
His ears brushed the ceiling.
Against the bed, Hiei was asleep, his mouth open.
Kurama sprouted more of the end-of-breath. A vine gathered a bottle from a box
on the bookshelf, and with a thought, he drew the oil from the leaves to fill
the bottle.
He crossed the room in two steps and gathered Hiei into his arms. He was so
small, smaller than a kitsune child, seeming younger than Kurama had ever been
willing to admit. His scent, so beloved, was different: richer, deeper, and
Kurama smiled softly. He brushed the back of a finger down Hiei's soft cheek,
over the gashes Hiei had carved down his own face.
Mine.
Though for not much longer.
Sleep, Hiei.
When you awaken, you will be free from all your pain.
I keep my promises, Hiei.
My Hiei.
"Kurama?"
He stood, Hiei cradled in one arm. Yusuke was much shorter than before, and his
eyes were wilder than they should have been, his youki more tremulous than he'd
seen it before.
It felt good to be so powerful again, even if half the youki he held was not
his own.
"Go call Koenma," Kurama said, and his own voice was both foreign and so deeply
missed. His vines continued to extract the oil and he raised Hiei, kissing him
once on the hollow between his jaw and throat where his scent was strong and
rich.
"K-Kurama?"
"I will go to Makai."
 
——
 
He stayed as Youko.
Hiei remained in his arms.
He kept Hiei safe and asleep, dripping single tears of end-of-breath oil on
Hiei's tongue.
He kissed Hiei on his forehead, behind his jaw, on his throat. He kissed his
closed eyes, his lax mouth, his clavicle, his Jagan. He kissed his palms and
his fingertips, his wrists and his shoulders, all the while whispering his
love.
When anyone came near, Kurama lashed his tail with displeasure and hugged Hiei
tighter against his chest, baring his teeth and, if the interloper was
particularly brazen, growling. Inevitably, Kurama would be alone with Hiei, his
Hiei, again.
He told Hiei how much he loved him. He told him about when he had first
realized his love. He told him what the night after Urashima had meant to him.
He told him how much their first time together outside of the Territory meant
to him.
He told him the plans he'd had for their future. He told him the things he'd
wanted to show him in two worlds. He told him the things he'd wanted them to
steal together from the third.
He told Hiei how sorry he was.
When he ran out of things to say, he held Hiei close, so close he could smell
nothing but Hiei and feel his blood calmly thrumming through him, and told him,
'I love you,' over and over again until he had to stop to catch his breath.
He did not cry.
Youko Kurama did not cry.
Sometimes, in the darkest hours of the night, the hunting hours, he whined to
Hiei, begging him to be well, or prayed to Inari to undo what had happened.
Inari did not intervene.
They were just as fickle and unpredictable as Their kitsune heirs.
Kurama didn't know if Inari could have done anything even if They wanted to.
 
——
 
Two days was all it took to secure the flower, a location, and a gate.
He wasn't sure, but if Kurama had to guess, Koenma had been encouraged not to
dawdle by his former detective and Genkai and a few other rather insistent
voices.
When he left, Koenma took Higashiyama with him.
 
——
 
As he condensed and altered the pollen, Hiei still held sleeping in one arm,
his head resting against Kurama's shoulder, Kurama realized he hadn't asked if
anyone had reached out to Shiori.
He didn't know what Shigure's price would be.
 
——
 
Letting Hiei's youki go had broken whatever heart had lain in Youko Kurama's
chest. He'd needed to return Hiei's youki to him before it got too accustomed
to him and abandoned Hiei entirely.
He had been sobbing before he finished shifting back.
 
——
 
They'd all been there, to see him off.
Yusuke had started to cry. He squeezed Kurama's shoulders and looked him in the
eye.
Somehow, Yusuke had become dearer to him than he imagined possible.
He promised they'd see Hiei again soon.
He still didn't know Shigure's price.
 
——
 
It would have been easier to cross Makai in his other skin, but but there was
something demeaning about begging as a Youko. Humans were pathetic by nature,
so a human begging was nothing strange.
Besides, he couldn't cry as Youko.
Finding the caterpillar had been easy. He'd followed the wide track cutting
across the landscape.
Kurama had, of course, never met Mukuro, but he'd heard rumors of the third
King's ways. He'd fought his way through hundreds of her lower ranked soldiers,
Hiei bound to his back with vines, before he was permitted to stand before the
King herself.
"You're Youko Kurama."
Kurama nodded.
The King cocked her seal-bound head. "I thought you would be taller."
He said nothing.
"I'm told you're looking for one of my officers."
"Yes."
The King raised her head; though he could only see a bit of that strange eye of
hers, he knew she was feeling him out.
Could she see the mixed youki that flared beneath his skin? Beneath Hiei's
skin?
"Hm." The King looked to the side and a tall youkai stepped forward. The King
stood. "You can see yourself out when you're done." She left.
 
——
 
Shigure was not what Kurama was expecting.
Bowing his head low, half-dancing through the old formal movements of respect,
he smiled gently at Kurama.
"Lord Fox, it is an honor."
He spoke the old way, tinged with an accent Kurama couldn't place.
He thought he and Shigure might have been of an age. He didn't ask.
"What interesting eyes the Lord Fox has," Shigure said, soft enough that Kurama
wondered if he was meant to hear.
Kurama's vines lowered Hiei, and Kurama took him into his waiting arms.
Shigure breathed. "My Jaganshi," he said softly.
Kurama bristled at the possessive.
Shigure bowed again, this form for an unintentional slight. "The Lord Fox's
Jaganshi. This one can see the bond."
"He is my mate."
Shigure nodded. "He is." He looked down the hall Mukuro had left by. "Perhaps a
more private quarter may be prudent?"
Kurama followed him, Hiei in his arms.
The room was small, simple. Shigure placed a pallet and a cushion beside.
Kurama sat on the cushion and kept Hiei in his lap.
He'd be letting Hiei go soon enough.
Shigure sat opposite him.
"The drowning is strong," Shigure said softly.
These were Hiei's people, Kurama realized. Bandits and warriors, fighters and
raiders.
Kurama had only ever been a thief. And a conquerer. And a devourer.
He watched Hiei breathe in his arms. "It was mutual."
Shigure smiled at him. "This one is pleased to see that it is as Lord Fox says.
For one so young to find a love so strong is fortuitous, especially with a mate
so feared as Youko Kurama."
Kurama said nothing.
"Though were all well, the Lord Fox would not have come to this one bearing his
mate with breath's-ending on his tongue, this one must believe."
"I need you to sever our de- drowning," Kurama said.
Shigure said nothing for a long time.
Kurama caressed Hiei's cheek. His thumb brushed over the freshly healed scar on
his cheekbone and the long wounds Hiei had scratched down his own face.
It was said. And soon it would be done.
"That the Jaganshi is not of the presence of mind to speak his own wishes on
the matter is of concern to this one," Shigure said softly.
"He wants this."
"This one would never suggest the Lord Fox would speak an untruth on such a
matter, but…"
"It's true. It is something we both want."
"Alas, my Lord Fox, this is but the first time this one has had the honor of
being in the Lord Fox's esteemed presence. This one merely knows the Lord Fox's
Jaganshi."
"You know I am Youko," Kurama growled. "He is my mate. I speak for Hiei as he
speaks for me. It is our way."
"Ah, but his Jaganshi does not speak and, begging Lord Fox's indulgence, but
his Jaganshi is no Youko."
Without a word, Kurama took some of Hiei's youki and shifted.
Shigure watched him, smiling softly.
"He is asleep because awake he suffers," Kurama growled, his teeth bared, his
claws arched, his tail lashing. "I cannot stand by and watch him hurt. I will
not let him hurt."
"Who has hurt him?"
"A human," Kurama snarled.
Shigure said nothing.
"They are called Territory-users."
Shigure frowned then. "A moment, Lord Fox. This one can see that the Lord Fox's
tale will take some time, and, forgiving the assumption, this one imagines the
Lord Fox to be in need of food and drink to sustain him." He stood and bowed.
"When this one returns, this one will listen to Lord Fox's dilemma."
 
——
 
By the end, Kurama was shaking and grateful for the sweetmeats and tea.
Hiei slept in his arms. Kurama had paused once, mid-sentence, to put a single
drop of end-of-breath oil on Hiei's tongue.
"The severing will be painful for the Lord Fox, and to keep his mate sleeping
would be a kindness."
Kurama expected nothing less. A vine extended to Shigure and dropped a small
bottle in his open hand.
"Should Lord Fox so wish-"
"I will remain awake."
Shigure's breath quickened, just enough. "This one will be cutting apart the
very soul, Lord Fox," he said softly. "It is no mere pain. Lesser lives have
been lost from this pain alone."
Kurama bared his teeth, his tail lashing, his ears flat against his skull. "I
will remain awake," he snarled.
Shigure smiled. "Forgive assumption, Lord Fox, but the Lord Fox's devotion and
love is admirable, especially for a Youko."
Kurama growled.
"This one wonders if his Jaganshi's frozen core is as capable of such love."
Kurama's youki surged around him. "You dare-"
"The Lord Fox has come to give his Jaganshi freedom and a new life. The Lord
Fox will suffer, maybe even lose one of his many tails, to see this happen.
This one merely wonders if the Lord Fox's Jaganshi would do the same."
Youko Kurama could not cry. But he snapped his teeth and held Hiei tight. "Does
it matter?" he snarled.
Shigure smiled. "Perhaps not. But again, perhaps it is of great import."
Kurama covered Hiei with his tail.
"This one has but one last question. To sever the drowning is something this
one can do, but with all the Lord Fox's mate has suffered…"
Kurama lifted the small glass box filled with pale pink powder.
Shigure's face was sad as he bowed his head. "Ah. The Lord Fox brings
dreamgrass pollen."
"Yes. It is altered. But there is only so much my skill can do."
Dream flower pollen was meant to be a suggestion, a hypnotism of sort, more art
than brutality, more flowing water than hard stone. It was meant to distract
the mind, to turn one away from certain memories and onto others. Because of
this, it was reversible. Memories could be restored. The pollen could wear off.
So Kurama had changed it as much as he could. But it was still tenuous. Hiei
might eventually remember.
Kurama's ears flicked forward. "You were the one to cut his mind to give him
the Jagan. Surely you can follow the path the dream flower pollen will take and
make its effects permanent with your arts."
Shigure was quiet for a long time.
Kurama hugged Hiei tighter. He wrapped his tail around them both.
Youko Kurama could not cry.
"And what will Lord Fox have his mate forget?"
Kurama met his eyes, but couldn't hold his gaze for long. Shigure's eyes took
him apart, and there was only so much undoing Kurama could bear. "I thought to
ask your advice. There can be no possibility of him remembering what he has
been through. If I am to be forgotten entirely, so be it. Hiei cannot suffer."
If Shigure was surprised by this, he made no sign, only giving Kurama a sad and
gentle smile. "Perhaps the Lord Fox wishes for his Jaganshi to forget
him and to forget everything of him tinged by this Territory."
"He cannot suffer," Kurama repeated, his voice hard.
Shigure nodded; his lowered his head, deep in thought.
Kurama stroked the hair off Hiei's forehead.
Soon, Hiei.
Soon you will be free.
"A proposal, Lord Fox. This one will dissolve the bond of drowning between the
Lord Fox and his Jaganshi. This one shall use the Lord Fox's dreamgrass pollen
upon his Jaganshi to depress all memories touched by the Territory. Then, this
one shall use his osteopathic arts to cut aside only those memories so sullied
by the Jaganshi's experiences in this Territory, so that they cannot be
restored. This one has never performed such a surgery as the latter, so this
one can make no guarantee as to its prolonged efficacy." Shigure's eyes
glittered. "Might the Lord Fox's accept such?"
Kurama did not like the shine in the osteopath's eye. But he was Youko, and
even he, with centuries of experience in choosing overly specific words
while making deals to get exactly what he wanted, could find no loophole in his
words.
Still, the osteopath's smile unnerved him.
"I want him to keep part of my youki."
Shigure's face split with a wide unnerving smile. "The balance of the drowning
is what the Lord Fox wishes to preserve?"
Kurama nodded, unable to speak.
"It is a substantial gift, Lord Fox," Shigure said quietly, still smiling. "But
this one is very pleased to hear of the Lord Fox's devotion. This one believes
this will be a surgery he will be proud of." His smile grew. "Yes, very proud."
There was still something strange to the osteopath's words. Kurama frowned, but
eventually nodded.
"Regretfully this one must mention cost."
"I will pay whatever price you ask."
Shigure seemed about to laugh, but restrained himself in time. "If that is the
case, let cost be discussed later."
 
——
 
If Kurama had thought he'd known pain before, he was a fool.
 
——
 
It took a week for him to regain use of his voice. And then, it was only the
barest whisper.
Shigure came. "The Territory was vast, touching much in the Jaganshi's mind.
With all this one needed to cut away…"
Kurama had no choice but to listen. He was too weak to flee, or even move to
cover his ears.
"All the past the Lord Fox and Jaganshi had before the Territory is gone," the
osteopath said quietly. "All those memories were touched by the effect of the
Territory."
Kurama closed his eyes. It was all he could do.
"All that the Jaganshi experienced in the Territory…" Shigure bowed deeply in
the form of intense sorrow and apology. "This one is of the opinion there is
not even an hour of the past two months left in the Jaganshi's mind. The
surgery was massive. He will not remember the Lord Fox, this one must say, at
all."
Kurama was surprised that there were new depths of pain he could descend to. He
couldn't understand why his body continued to insist on living.
 
——
 
He agreed to Shigure's price.
Later he wondered if it had been a pittance. He already knew would never love
another.
 
——
 
He carried Hiei, sleeping calmly through the rest of the end-of-breath serum,
back to the human realms.
As he stood in the grass outside the primary entrance to Genkai's sprawling
estate, he let himself feel Hiei's weight in his arms.
Hiei slept. When he awakened, he would not know how he came to be here.
He would not know Kurama.
Shigure had cut away everything the pollen had touched, but confessed despite
his skill, he may have missed something. It was best, he had suggested, that
they remain apart. Best not to tempt fate.
If Hiei remembered even one thing, he could remember everything. This was, of
course, the first time the osteopath had even attempted such a surgery.
The mind was like a deep and unknowable well. Things might be hidden deep, to
never see the light of day lest a particular strand of thought be drawn to the
surface. One never knew what else would be brought up.
So, regretfully, it was best for Kurama to stay away.
Kurama knelt and wrapped his arms around Hiei's chest. He sobbed into his neck,
kissing his fever-hot skin softly with trembling lips. "I'm so sorry," he
whispered. "Hiei, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…"
He drew back. Hiei slept, his lips softly parted.
Kurama let himself kiss Hiei's unresponsive lips just once, and breathed him
in. He clenched his eyes closed and bowed his head. "I love you, Hiei. I always
have. I always will."
He realized Kuwabara and Yusuke stood nearby. Both had tears on their faces.
Kurama stood, holding Hiei one last time, breathing in his scent. He nodded,
and Kuwabara came.
Kuwabara took Hiei from him. As he drew back, Kurama whispered, "I love you,
Hiei." His arms felt cold.
His heart was empty.
Yusuke hugged him then, maybe to keep him from following Kuwabara into the
house.
"Goodbye, Hiei," Kurama whispered.
Yusuke held him as they both cried.
 
——
 
Kurama went back to his house, exhausted.
Shiori asked how he'd liked his trip to Nara. He forced a smile, and said it
was nice.
As he trudged up the stairs to his room, he paused. "Mother?"
She came to stand nearby, looking up at him with gentle eyes.
"It doesn't make sense to keep this house, don't you think? It can't hold all
of us, and you shouldn't have to choose between your son and your husband." He
looked away from her. "If you've been keeping it for my sake, I'm alright with
moving."
Shiori smiled.
That evening he went outside and looked up at the tree he'd taken care of since
he'd been mobile enough to move of his own accord. He'd fed it his youki since
then, slowly, surely: a slow trickle over a decade and a half. The tree was
strong, healthy.
With a long branch just outside his bedroom window.
The tree was an extension of himself.
In every way.
He touched its trunk.
It was warm.
He swallowed its life into him; as its life flooded his youki, he tasted it
like greenery, like love.
He felt it die.
The next morning, he called and paid a man to cut it down.
Chapter End Notes
     And so it ends, for now.
     I want to say thank you, thank you, a thousand thank yous to everyone
     who read and left comments and kudos: it really means the world! I'm
     actively working on the sequel (still unnamed) and will let you all
     know when things are up. Until then, thank you, I love you all, and
     goodnight. <3
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