Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/885255.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      No_Archive_Warnings_Apply, Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      Protector_of_the_Small_-_Tamora_Pierce
  Relationship:
      Joren_of_Stone_Mountain/Keladry_of_Mindelan, Domitan_of_Masbolle/Keladry
      of_Mindelan
  Character:
      Keladry_of_Mindelan, Joren_of_Stone_Mountain
  Additional Tags:
      Cutting, Hurt/Comfort
  Stats:
      Published: 2005-05-28 Updated: 2013-12-01 Chapters: 13/? Words: 45007
****** A Squire's Pain ******
by oxlabyrinthxo
Summary
     Kel has a dangerous habit, can the least likely save her? Can she
     melt his ice heart to save him from being lost in hate forever?
Notes
     I Started on this in 2005 I am working on rewriting it all because in
     the last 8 years I've improved as a writer and I want to do this
     story justice!
***** Chapter 1 *****
"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength
to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-
out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit,
not in muscles and an immature mind." - Alex Karras
 
Sometimes she thought she did it to prove herself, surely a knight must be able
to inflict pain as well as take it. Other times she was aware that she had a
problem, the near euphoric state the blade sliding across skin caused; leaving
streaks of blood to stain bandages later, but what she reasoned was the main
reason she regularly inflicted pain upon herself was to feel. So many years of
Yamani training had taught the young squire to fear and hide her emotions – to
bottle them up until they slowly devoured her soul. That was the real reason
someone like Kel, strong willed and so sure of her dreams, could partake in
self-mutilation. It was on one snowy evening that our story begins.
Winter had descended upon Tortall abruptly, leaving no trace of warmth in its
wake. Such weather caused even the hardiest of soldiers of the Own thankful for
their commander's orders to return to the palace. Even the stoic Kel forgave
her body for betraying her by shaking to maintain warmth.
"You know if you would just scoot yourself on over here you would be much
warmer," Dom commented dryly one evening. They were a day and a half ride from
the palace, and had made camp for the night. Dom and a few others from the
Third Company, along with Kel, sat around a fire, huddled in their cloaks and
blankets for warmth.
"I'm alright." Kel assured, but Dom moved next to her anyways, refusing to
suffer her stubbornness and pride. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder to
keep her in place.
"I'm cold too you know." Dom acknowledged.
"So you're invading my personal space under the guise of keeping me warm,
when you're the one that's cold?" Kel teased. Dom shot her a mock look of hurt.
"Don't injure my pride Lady Squire." Kel was aware that the Sergeant was
flirting with her but if she was being honest with herself she had developed
something of a crush on the blue-eyed gentleman, and was delighted by his
attention.
"Dom," a warning growl as his hand slowly slid from her shoulder and towards a
more inappropriate destination. "I swear I'll have Lord Roaul make you his
jousting partner." She threatened.
"Alas my hand has a mind of its own and-"
"Is that mind in your breeches Sergeant?" one soldier joked. Dom glared at the
man, and promptly removed his arm from Kel. She was secretly sad at the loss of
contact but said nothing.
"Get to bed!" A voice rang out, belonging to Lord Roaul. "Mithros help you if
any of you are late tomorrow." The threat was clear; men scattered to obey the
Knight and Commander of the King's Own. Dom escorted Keladry towards her tent,
when she noticed this she turned to give him a reproachful look. He returned
her look with an innocent smile.
"Is there a problem Kel?" Dom asked sweetly.
"Yes, your tent is in the other direction Dom," Kel answered.
"Is it so wrong of me to escort a young lady to her quarters on a cold winter's
night?" Dom inquired, still maintaining a look of innocence.
"I suppose it depends on the intentions for escorting said girl to her tent."
She returned. Dom dropped the charade and winked at her, a mischievous glint in
his eyes.
"I'm only concerned for your well-being fair Keladry, Meathead would never let
me hear the end of it if I let you take ill." Dom said. Kel mentally sighed;
she had hoped that he had other reasons than simply appeasing Neal.
"Well I'm quite capable to take care of myself Dom," Kel argued as they
approached her tent. She hesitated at the flap, and turned to face him. "But
thanks all the same Dom." She gave a half smile in return to his wicked grin.
He kissed her hand and bade her goodnight before turning to leave for his own
tent. Kel hastily entered her tent, and sat down on her bedroll, refusing to
allow herself to read into Dom's intentions and actions.
Out of habit she glanced around her, all her animals were asleep, the baby
griffin, Jump, the sparrows, all asleep. She quietly took out her knife and
rolled up her sleeve. Adrenaline flowed through her veins at the thought of the
pain the knife would bring, of the feeling. She sat the knife against her arm,
just beneath the bend of her elbow, and pressed. She waited breathlessly for a
moment before a line of red bloomed from the pressure and movement of the
blade. Kel smiled to herself as she cleaned her knife and went about cleaning
and bandaging her cut. This was her refuge, the outlet to all her frustrations.
When she was satisfied with her work she curled up in her bedroll and let sleep
take her.
***** Chapter 2 *****
Chapter Notes
     A Squire’s Pain
     By oxlabyrinthxo
     Disclaimer – Don’t own, don’t sue!
     Chapter Two (Revised)
     A/N: Hello everyone! Well I’m back, better late than never and all
     that good stuff. I have the outline of this story finished and I will
     be updating this as much as I can until it is done. Thank you to
     everyone who has stayed on bored this long and continues to read this
     story. I’ve been once again motivated to write again and this time I
     hope it sticks. I know there have been comments asking me to just
     finish the original story line, but it has been so long I don’t even
     remember where it was going anymore. I would like to give this fic a
     fresh perspective and start over. FYI there is an Alice in Wonderland
     quote I use in this chapter. It’s the “curious and curiouser” bit. I
     do not own the characters or places in this story I simply am
     manipulating them for my own purpose.
Joren of Stone Mountain was proud. Any insult he suffered reflected this, and
no insult was greater than the existence of Squire Keladry of Mindelan. She was
a woman who dared to rise above her station in life and challenge everything he
had learned from his father when he was just a boy. If Joren was being honest
with himself the only reason he didn’t like her was because she took everything
he thought was true, right, and fair, and turned it upside down on its head. In
all honesty Joren was intrigued by the girl page when she first arrived, her
emotionless “lump” face, her iron will, it all was new to him. He had grown up
in a home where women did not question men, they were subservient to men. To
Joren, all women were like his mother, dutiful, patient, quiet, and took care
of her husband and children and were content with her place in life. Women like
Alanna the Lioness were anomalies, trash. Whores who slept their way out of
their neat little place in life to throw a wrench in Joren’s perfect cookie
cutter view of the world.
But when Joren met Keladry everything was different. This ten year old dare
challenge the beliefs that many held to be truth in their hearts. She did it
without help from the King’s whore of a champion, she was stoic and determined.
Joren was bewitched by this concept, and feared it at the same time. He played
cruel pranks on her to seek her attention, to test her. Joren knew after that
first year of her page years that he would use her as a measure in which to
compare is accomplishments the rest of his life, and that was something Joren’s
conservative upbringing would not allow. He brought his friends Vinson, Garvey,
and Zahir in on his plans, and they took them to newer, crueler levels.
Vinson kidnapped her maid and made Page Keladry late to the big examinations,
and Joren took the fall for it when she inevitably succeeded in thwarting
Vinson’s plan and ruining Joren’s halfhearted attempt at friendship with her.
Then she became the squire to the Knight and Commander of the King’s Own,
rescued and adopted a baby griffin to join her motley crew of animal friends.
Joren was impressed with the lady squire. He admired her even, in the dark
recesses of his mind that he stubbornly denied.
Joren found himself contemplating these thoughts as he and his knight master
Sir Paxton rode towards the Palace, this would be his last winter as a squire
before he took his ordeal the following year. Joren thoughts circled in his
mind, the Girl, his upcoming ordeal, his fears of never being good enough, his
father’s harsh words to Joren when he failed, the Girl… and so on it went round
and round in the blonds mind. So engrossed with his thoughts Joren almost
didn’t notice Paxton stopping his mount to survey the camp they had come upon.
Luckily Joren’s own horse and stallion he called Tristan, stopped to avoid
running into the other mount. The sudden stop jolted Joren from his thoughts
and he looked to see what his knight master was looking at. It was a camp of
men of the King’s Own, no doubt also returning to the capital to seek relief
from the cold. Joren ignored the voice in the back of his head wondering if the
Girl was among the men encamped below. Joren mentally snorted, if she was down
there she was no doubt keeping company with one of the lesser noble and
commoners like the good whore she was. Joren ignored the tug of jealousy he
denied feeling. He would never sink so low as to desire her. 
 
===============================================================================
 
Kel jolted awake and looked around confused. What woke her? She held her breath
listening to the sounds of slumber and the guard around her. She heard a horse
whinny and footsteps and hushed whispers. Bracing herself against the cold she
threw aside the warmth of her bedroll and dressed to go investigate what was
going on.
Kel left her tent and cautiously looked around. Having traveled with the own
for a year had made her paranoid about the pranks they tended to pull. Her ears
still rang from the bellowing shout of surprise from her knight master when
they had temporarily dyed his hair a few weeks back an unnatural inky shade of
black that shined blue. It had taken days for Lord Raoul to wash the dye from
his hair. Kel has a sneaking suspicion Dom’s squad was the one behind it.
A survey of her surroundings showed Kel nothing. It was a normal night in the
King’s Own campsite. The sentry monitored the perimeter of tents and a group of
new recruits were whispering by the fire, no doubt they had yet to learn the
blessing of getting a full nights rest before a hard day in the saddle
tomorrow. Kel’s hazel eyes took in everything, trying to discover what had woke
her.
“Sneaking back from some man’s tent whore?” a voice sneered from behind Kel.
Slowly she turned around and regarded the squire behind her. It had been many
long months since Kel had encountered Joren and in Kel’s opinion she could have
gone the rest of her life never seeing him again. Joren stared back at Kel a
smirk present on his lips. Kel stared at him a moment longer before turning on
her heel and marching back to her tent. It was far too late in the evening for
Kel to deal with Joren snark.
Joren’s smirk melted into a frown as he watched the retreating back of the
Girl. Normally he would get some sort of reaction out of her, this time he got
nothing. She briefly acknowledged him and simply walked away. There were no
exchanges of blows or harsh words. This Joren could not stand.
“Hey wait up Lump!” Joren called after her turning to follow her. He joined her
a few feet away as she was navigating her way back to her tent. This time Kel
ignored Joren completely. She was running on too little sleep to deal with
Joren and his ilk. “Cat got your tongue Lump? Or do you just have no good
excuse why you were roaming the campsite to cover up your activities?” Joren
baited. Still he got no reaction. “Look at me when I am talking to you, you
bitch!” Joren growled grabbing her forearm roughly.
Kel gave a cry of pain and tried to pull her arm out of his grip. Joren felt
something wet trickle onto his palm, he released her arm to investigate. There
was blood on his hand, he looked up to try and meet Kel’s eyes but instead she
stared at her feet. “What is this?” Joren asked casually, he shoved aside the
notion that he was concerned about her.
“Nothing, damn griffin,” Kel mumbled in response, her head slowly rising to
meet his. He studied her face carefully but her Yamani mask gave nothing away,
and so then he turned his gaze to bore into her hazel eyes. There he found what
he thought to be shame and guilt in those dreamer’s eyes. Kel looked away from
him again, breaking their locked gaze. “Are we done here?” Kel inquired. When
she got no response she continued her way back to her tent, refusing to turn
around to check if Joren was watching her, even though she felt his gaze
burning a hole in her back.
Joren watched Kel until she was out of sight. Something about the encounter set
alarm bells off in his head. He studied the air where Kel had been standing and
tried to make sense of what had occurred. Curious and curiouser Joren thought
to himself.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
     A Squire’s Pain
     By oxlabyrinthxo
     Disclaimer – Don’t own, don’t sue!
     Chapter Three (revised)
     A/N: Thank you all for being here for the third chapter revision of A
     Squire’s Pain. Review and let me know what you guys think. I’m trying
     to keep this as close to canon as I can, but obviously some things
     are being changed so that I have a story to write and I’m not just
     sitting in a room dictating myself reading the Protector of the Small
     series alone in my room.
               Back at the palace Kel felt like she couldn’t breathe. While out
riding with the Own and camping it was easier to hide her secrets. Scars easily
blamed on the baby griffin, but when Daine had approached their camp a half day
out from the palace announcing she had found the baby griffin’s parents  Kel
felt her heart sink. She would have to be more careful now. She couldn’t afford
to mess up now, the eyes of the entire kingdom were watching her, waiting for
her to mess up and make an example out of her. For every girl out there who
dreamed of being a knight Kel had to maintain her strong façade just a little
longer. When she was knighted Kel assumed she would be out of the public eye,
there would be other court gossip to tend to that didn’t involve the Lady
Squire.
                Kel paced the small length of her room, wearing a track in the
rug on the stone floor. Kel felt anxious she needed release; sweet salvation
from this emptiness that was consuming her. Kel glanced around; the halls were
silent as were the rooms of her knight master. Kel quickly secured her door
with the lock and took out her small belt knight. Rolling up her sleeve well
past her elbow Kel uncovered scar after scar. Some were faded white, others
pink and angry red all in various stages of healing. Gingerly she placed the
knight at the inside of her elbow and gripped her fist tight making the muscles
in her arms tense. The blade sliced through layers of skin until blood was
rushing out. Kel felt her head clear and her body relax. She may not be able to
do this again, but Kel had picked a place that would sting and cause pain for a
while until it healed.
                Kel let the blood pool out of her arm a moment longer before
quickly and expertly bandaging it so that no one would notice it under the
sleeves of her shirt. Kel then put a tiny amount of the healing balm her
mysterious benefactor had given her on her old wounds. Her scars were hardly
noticeable after a using this balm on them regularly. Kel may have liked to
hurt but that didn’t mean she wanted scars on her body, she was still a girl
and slightly vain though she would never admit it.
                A knock at the door startled Kel. She quickly put her bandages
and knife away and rolled down her sleeve. Kel took a deep breath before
opening the door to find Neal, Cleon, Owen, Merric, Esmond, Quinden, and Seaver
at her door. Kel smiled “You’re all back!”
                “We’ve been back for days now. It was only youthat was still
out there having adventures Kel.” Neal responded dryly.
                Cleon spoke next, “You got in late last night? The king was
expecting the Own back a week ago, what delayed you?” Something in Cleon’s tone
made Kel study his face for a moment. What was that look in his eye? Kel didn’t
understand it, so she simply ignored it and answered his question.
                “Milord wanted to avoid as much of the festivities as possible.
I think if it wasn’t for the men grumbling we would have stayed away until the
start of next year.”
                Neal grinned. “I know the feeling; the King had to send orders
for my Lady Knight Master to return.” Had Kel been less disciplined she would
have flinched. She was happy for Neal to be the Lioness’ squire, but at the
same time Kel felt this sense of inadequacy at not having been chosen to be the
squire to Sir Alanna.
                Cleon sent Neal a look and shoved him. “We’ve come to ask if
you would come join us in the mess hall sweet lady,” Cleon cooed. That gave Kel
a start. Cleon couldn’t possibly be interested in her could he? Kel dismissed
those thoughts a voice in her head that sounded scarily similar to Joren’s told
her it was impossible for she was a cow and unattractive. As nice as Cleon was,
he wouldn’t be enticed to have romantic notions about her.
                “Sure,” Kel answered simply, shutting her door and falling into
pace beside Neal and Cleon. “How has everyone been?”
                The boys all started clamoring at once to tell her of their new
experiences. Cleon was doing well with her brother learning battle tactics and
such, Owen was just jolly and page training and couldn’t wait to become
someone’s squire. Merric and the others chattered about their knight masters
and the things they had done and seen. Each boy tried to talk over the other,
vying for her attention and approval, all except Neal who was content to watch
the spectacle they were all making.
                The group of boys and Kel continued their walk to the mess
hall, right down the hall where Joren was casually leaning against the wall
watching. Kel’s eyes met his for breathless moments and all the chatter around
her faded away. Joren studied her carefully before pushing off the wall to
approach her and her band of friends. The boys stopped talking at once to glare
at Joren.
                “Hello,” Joren greeted. Cleon stepped in front of Kel to block
her from the older boy’s view. Kel huffed to herself; she was more than capable
of handling Joren. Kel stepped out from behind of Cleon’s towering form and
greeted Joren. Neal scrutinized the situation with sharp eyes.
                “Good afternoon Joren.” Kel said politely. “Off to the mess
hall?”
                “What do you want Joren?” Cleon snapped, tired of the courteous
pretenses.
                “Nothing I simply wanted to say hello, we’re all friends here
are we not?” Joren’s voice was dripping honey, mocking Cleon’s direct behavior.
                “You’re no friend of ours Stone Mountain.” Merric said simply.
Owen watched fascinated with the older group.
                “Well then, I can tell I’m not wanted,” Joren stated. He swept
a bow, his eyes on Kel the whole time, “until next time milady.” Joren then
sauntered off down the hall in the opposite direction.  Leaving Kel confused as
she watched him.
                “What was that all about?” Neal pondered aloud.
                “He’s planning something nasty, I just know it.” Cleon
declared.
                “Maybe he’s just being friendly?” Owen suggested
optimistically.
                “No he’s played that angle before remember? He’s definitely up
to something.” Merric agreed.
                Kel sighed; she didn’t have the time or energy to waste on
speculating what Joren’s motives were. “Let’s just go to the mess, I’m sure
we’ll find out what trickery and dastardly deeds he’s up to eventually.” Neal
looked sharply at her, detecting the minute drop of sarcasm in her voice.
                “Kel’s right,” Cleon said, not having picked up on Kel’s
disinterest in Joren’s odd behavior. The group continued their journey to the
mess hall, the chattering resumed and everything was once again normal.
                Once they had all gotten their trays of food and took their
seats the topic that came up in their conversation was Joren and what he was up
to. Kel was sick of hearing about it. “Maybe he’s not up to anything. He’s a
squire now and Sir Paxton keeps him busy. Maybe he’s just grown up.” Kel
pointed out, trying to end the debate. Right now Cleon was convinced he was
plotting a way to  lead Kel to ruin that involved a complicated twelve step
program that involved Joren tricking her into believing he had abandoned his
evil ways and ended with a complicated series of events linked to the crop
percentages in Persopolis.
                Neal who had remained quite the entire duration of the debate,
which was odd for him, spoke up now. “I think it’s naïve to think that his
intentions are entirely honorable, but I’m with Kel it will do us no good to
assume what he’s planning if anything. He hasn’t done anything nasty to any of
us in a while. Perhaps he is done with his schemes maybe not. We should just
remain vigilant.”
                Cleon was about to argue with Neal, but Kel was having none of
it. “Eat your vegetables Cleon, you too Neal.” Kel cut in. Cleon immediately
complied with her order while Neal saw fit to recite the same argument her had
with her since the beginning year as pages.
                “How could anyone possibly eat this green mush? Look at it!
LOOK AT IT! Does this look like it’s going to do me any good? Nay woman! I am a
man and I must consume meat in order to keep my strength. Nasty green bits will
not strengthen me.” Neal said dramatically.
                “Nealan,” Kel sighed. “Eat your vegetables, they’re good for
you. You want to grow up big and strong don’t you? Or do you want me to give
you a goo thrashing on the practice courts?” Kel asked, leaving no room for
Neal to debate. He stared at her defiantly, and then with great effort scooped
up a spoonful of peas and made a big show of eating them with a disgusted look
on his face. Once he swallowed the mouthful with great difficulty.
                Neal made a sound of disgust “Peas. Why is it always peas? I
hatepeas.” Neal whined dejectedly. Kel paid his pity party no mind and motioned
for him to continue eating his peas like a good boy. The rest of lunch was
uneventful. Everyone shared stories about their adventures with their knight
masters, or in Owen’s case things he got up to during page training while in
the palace. Kel felt removed from the situation. She was there, following all
the right cues when to smile, when to laugh, when to frown but Kel felt like a
fraud. She wasn’t happy, she wasn’t genuinely engaged in the conversation and
so Kel continued to act her way through the social encounter never noticing
that Joren had snuck into the mess hall when her and her friends weren’t paying
attention, his ice blue eyes were on her the entire time burning with
determination to find out the secret that Kel was hiding from not only her
enemies, but her friends as well. 
 
 
===============================================================================
               
                Joren had been thinking about his encounter with the Girl the
other night at camp, no, thinking wasn’t the right word obsessingabout it ever
since it happened. Every time Joren had a run in with the Girl she surprised
him by never reacting the way he expected. He sighed as he leaned against the
wall next to his door. Joren needed to know what it was that was plaguing the
Girl, what he would do with this information had yet to be seen. Joren wasn’t
sure if he still wanted to destroy her or not and that made him uncomfortable.
If he wasn’t out to prove that girl’s couldn’t be knights then who was he?
                Joren spent several long moments thinking about his options and
weighing them and well as questioning exactly why he wanted to know the Girl’s
secret. Why did he care, what would he gain from finding out? His thoughts were
interrupted by the inane chatter of a group of boys ambling down the hallway.
Joren’s head shot up to say something nasty to them but stopped when he noticed
it was not just any group of boys it was a group consisting of the Girl and her
friends. Joren, like always, couldn’t take his eyes off her. As much as Joren
has tried he couldn’t ignore her if he tried, he was drawnto her. His eyes
always found her in a crowded room, Joren had never meditated too much on what
that meant but now with all his thoughts circling the Girl it was time he found
out.
                Joren stepped forward to speak to the Girl and noticed as he
did that her eyes were locked on him just as his had been on her. The boys that
had been wrestling for her attention ceased their incessant prattling to glare
at him with hatred that filled their very souls. “Hello,” Joren greeted, aware
that as Cleon of Kennan was moving to hide the Girl from his sight that the red
headed giant was seething with an all-consuming rage that was somehow different
from the other boys. He was jealous for he had seen the Girl’s fixated stare
upon Joren. The Girl walked out from behind the giant and addressed him while
her idiot healer friend remained quiet and attentive to the situation.
                “Good afternoon Joren, off to the mess hall?” As usual her face
gave away nothing; her voice was a polite formal tone. Instead Joren focused on
her eyes, they were her weakness the chink in her otherwise perfect “Lump
face”.
                “What do you want Joren?” The red headed oaf sneered at him.
Joren decided to have a little bit of fun and bait the red head further.
                “Nothing, I simply wanted to say hello, we’re all friends here
are we not?” Joren asked sweetly, a pointed look was given to the Girl then a
cheeky smile when Joren’s eyes met the face of Cleon who was red with anger.
                “You’re no friend of our Stone Mountain.” Another boy stated,
glaring at Joren while flexing the muscles in his arms. The group of boys were
making it very clear they would fight Joren here and now if he made an offense
towards their beloved lady squire.
                “Well the, I can tell I’m not wanted,” Joren sniffed, he gave
an expect bow directed at the Girl, his eyes never leaving hers, “until next
time milady,” Joren mocked then took his leave of the group down the opposite
way they were traveling. Joren filed the information he had gathered from the
encounter in his mind. Joren was looking forward to when all the facts added up
and he could use the information in some way to benefit himself, but also his
family name.
                Joren had been made awake through some contacts of his father
that his family was under the scrutiny of the crown. They suspected Joren’s
father was in an allegiance with a few other noble families from the Book of
Gold to overthrow the crown and install a new monarchy. Joren smirked having
been privy to his father’s absurd plans. While Joren was no fan of the
progressive reign of the current monarchy, staging a coup would be suicidal.
The king and queen had powerful friends, friends who were blessed by the gods.
Joren was smart enough to realize his father was fighting a losing battle. So
Joren was making plans to distance himself from his father’s doings and secure
his own future so that when Joren’s father’s intentions came to light he would
not be affected.
                Joren wandered the halls trying to fit blackmailing the Girl in
with his already made plans but it was impossible to do so until he knew just
what the Girl was hiding. For all he knew the secret she was hiding could be
something as stupid as she broke a gift from one of her idiot friends and was
feeling guilty. Joren needed to know exactly how much he could manipulate her
with the knowledge when gained. So Joren took and indirect route to the mess
hall and snuck in when her friends were focused on the brain dead Queenscove
and his theatrics.
                Joren watched and waited. He was too far away to hear what they
were saying but as he watched the interactions between the Girl and her friends
he found that it was different that it had been previously when he had watched
them in the years before. The Girl always seemed a half step behind in smiling
or laughing at something one of them said as if she was making a conscious
decision to react so. This told Joren that whatever she was hiding, she was
hiding it from her closest friends as well. This was something Joren could
definitely use to his advantage in the future.
                Joren quickly left the mess hall, having observed enough of the
Girl’s behavior. His investigation had to be unobtrusive enough that she didn’t
notice what he was up to until it was too late. He smiled all the way to his
room, until he noticed Vinson waiting outside them, then the smile fell from
his face and turned into a grimace. “What is it?” Joren cut to the chase.
Vinson and his father were also deeply involved in the coup his father was
helping with so it was in Joren’s best interest to distance himself from those
would bring shame upon him.
                “Just thought I’d stop by and update you on the latest news.”
Vinson said his voice oily and slick.
                “Pass.” Joren returned bluntly.
                “But-” Vinson started, but Joren cut him off.
                “I have duties to attend to for my knight master of the upmost
importance. Besides I have no interest in your plans at this time.” Joren
informed his former friend with an air of self-importance.
                “Are you turning into one of those bleeding heart
progressives?” Vinson asked with a sneer.
                “Hardly,” Joren snorted. “I have no time to play these games
Vinson. Go bother someone else.”
                “You’ll regret this Joren.” Vinson warned.
                “I doubt it.” Joren said mostly to himself as he walked into
his room and shut the door. Talking with Vinson always made Joren’s skin crawl.
While Joren had no respect for a woman who didn’t know her place he would never
do what Vinson did to them. Joren had that much respect for women to not
violate them. Sure Joren was cruel to them in other ways but he would never
take an unwilling partner to bed, there was nothing to be gained from it.
Though Joren wondered if there would be anything to gain from taking the Girl
to bed, though he wouldn’t mind if there wasn’t because – Joren stopped that
errant thought from continuing. Joren had no idea where that had come from,
perhaps he has allowed his thoughts to linger on the girl for longer than he
should have and that’s why his thoughts were mixing the Girl in where she did
not belong in his brain.
                There was absolutely no way Joren could be attracted to the
Girl could there?
***** Chapter 4 *****
Chapter Notes
     A/N: I’m back for another chapter! YAY! Sorry I’m just so excited
     that I’m writing again. It’s been a long time and a lot of things
     have happened and it’s just wonderful to be writing fanfiction again.
     It’s like coming home. And since I’m all happy and doped up on said
     happiness of writing I’m not doing it for the reviews. Though in all
     seriousness some would be nice so I know I’m actually reaching and
     interested audience. This chapter is kind of long but worth it!
     There’s finally kissing in this story. Lots of it. Next chapter there
     might even be a lemon. I don’t know. But read this and if you want
     tell me what you think. Sorry if everyone gets a little to OOC, Kel
     especially. We’re just going to say that all the emotional turmoil is
     causing it. I have no excuse for the other characters other than I
     had to, to keep things interesting! Please also excuse any and all
     misspellings, incorrect grammar, and my random inability to use the
     right your, you’re, there, their, and they’re at times. Homophones
     give me fits in writing some days. This story is not beta-ed.
Kel checked her appearance again in the floor length mirror in her room,
sighing as she did so. She was wearing a white shirt, brown hose, and a shirt
of Goldenlake green with gold trimming. She looked nice but Kel was paranoid
that someone would be able to see the bandages underneath the billowy loose
sleeves. Kel turned and looked at every which angle she could manage and gave
another sigh of defeat. Kel was also stalling. There was nothing more Kel
wanted on this day than to stay in the quiet sanctuary of her room. Kel felt
exhausted by the thought of going to the Midwinter Ball, though she was going
in the official capacity as Lord Raoul’s squire, she would still be forced to
join in the merriment and appear to be put together and happy.
                Today was one of the days where Kel wished she didn’t feel
anything. Amongst all those endless days of feeling nothing Kel had days where
she felt everything so acutely that she wanted to curl up in a ball and hide
from the world. Another sigh escaped her lips. It cause there’s bad blood in my
family Kel mused. It was true, Kel did have an uncle (or a cousin, she couldn’t
remember which) that suffered from delusions and hallucinations brought on by
“bad breeding” as the conservative called it, the healers called it a mental
disorder. 
                Kel supposed she could stall no longer and went to the door and
opened it to find Cleon there with his hand raised ready to knock. They stared
at each other in surprise for a moment, Kel making sure to keep her Yamani mask
tightly in place.
                “Cleon?” Kel prompted when the big red head refused to speak.
                “I er came by to make sure you were coming to the ball. You
were taking a while and you don’t want Neal coming here to drag you out.” Cleon
answered, tripping over his words.
                “Oh thank you.” Kel said simply. Things have never been awkward
with Cleon before, but suddenly everything was awkward. Kel couldn’t talk to
him like she use to now that she was starting to suspect he had feelings for
her. Kel didn’t know what to do about that. Cleon was betrothed to some
beautiful court lady and Kel would not set herself up for that kind of
heartbreak if she even did decide she felt that way about her friend.
                Cleon offered his arm, “shall I escort you down to the
ballroom?” Cleon asked hopefully.
                Kel was about to answer when Neal appeared out of nowhere and
snatched Kel’s hand. “No you may not.” Neal answered smoothly. “I’m taking my
best friend down there because I don’t trust her not to abuse you’re good
nature and avoid the whole event altogether.” Cleon glared at Neal and the hand
he held of Kel’s. Kel was secretly thankful for Neal’s interruption. Cleon had
been badgering her for days trying to get her to spend some time alone with him
and Kel was afraid he was going to do something she wasn’t ready to deal with.
                “Come on, we can all walk down together.” Kel said pulling her
hand from Neal’s. Kel purposefully tried to walk so that she was between the
wall and Neal but somehow she ended up between Cleon and Neal. Neal chattered
the entire way down about how if he didn’t drag Kel along she’d hole up in her
room and practice glaive pattern dances in solitary for the rest of her life
while Cleon’s large, to-warm hand kept bumping into Kel’s unresponsive one. Kel
shied away from his touch. It made her feel uncomfortable and it was unwelcomed
and Cleon was not taking a hint but thankfully they had arrived at the ballroom
and Kel made excuses to leave her two friends company citing the need to find
her knight master.
                Kel weaved through the crowd till she found her knight master
in a quiet corner that was partially hidden behind the grad curtains around the
room to afford some table’s privacy. “Kel,” Raoul greeted when she walked up to
the table.
                “Milord,” Kel answered back. Raoul made a face, he hated
formality but he had come to somewhat accept that Kel would not refrain from
using the respectful addresses towards him when they were at such events.
However he did know that he could avoid hear her say it by summarily dismissing
her.
                “I don’t really have anything I need you to do Kel. The pages
are serving everyone so you can go on and have fun with your friends.” Raoul
said and when Kel opened her mouth to argue Raoul added “that’s an order
squire.” 
                Kel swallowed back the wave of rejection she suddenly felt. She
knew Raoul didn’t mean it personally and that he was on edge from having to be
at such an event dressed up and having to dodge matchmaking mother’s all night,
but Kel couldn’t help but feel unwanted and useless. Kel nodded and bowed to
Raoul and went off to find Neal and the others while hopefully keeping a
distance from Cleon. Her hopes were shattered when the red head spotted her and
started to make his way over to her.
                “Hey Kel can I-”
                “May I have this dance?” Inness asked before his squire could.
Cleon’s shoulders sank as Kel accepted her brother’s request for a dance. Kel
was once again thankful for the intervention, Kel didn’t want to hurt Cleon’s
feeling or be rude to him, but at the same time she did not want to encourage
his feelings.
 
                Joren watched the Girl walk around the ballroom looking for a
friendly face from his vantage point by his knight master in the front of the
room. Joren was surrounded by court ladies and knights that were either talking
with Sir Paxton or seeking his attentions for he was the heir to a rich fief
with good lands. But Joren had no interest in those who would only use him to
fix their own positions within the court. Joren would only allow such
attentions to be encouraged if it was beneficial to him.
                Joren felt like he spent much of his time anymore watching the
Girl, analyzing everything she did and waiting for an opportunity when she
slipped up enough that she would reveal information he could file away for
later use. He watched at that bumbling oaf from Kennan marched towards her to
flirt, but saw her brother smoothly interrupt and cart her off to the dance
floor and twirled her around expertly. Joren’s eyes flickered over to the Red
Head and saw barely contained rage and jealousy. So Kennan liked the Girl did
he? Joren thought to himself while ignoring the intense feeling to punch the
other boy.
                Inness spun Kel around the dance floor recounting the stories
he’d received in letters from home. Filling Kel in on what she had missed while
on the road where the couriers couldn’t find her. Kel commented here and there,
laughed at the funny tale of what happened to one of her nephews this past fall
and before she knew it the dance was over and Inness was leading her away to
get something to drink. There at the punch table she ran into Neal.
                “Did you honestly think you could get away without dancing with
your best friend?” Neal asked her with a large grin on his face. Kel glared at
him which only caused his smile to widen.
                “I only danced with Inness because it was polite and he’s my
brother, I don’t have to be nice to you.” Kel told him. Neal simply waved her
sharp words away, use to the rapport they had with one another.
                “Regardless, you should socialize and dance with some of the
people here. It’ll do you some good.” Neal insisted. Sometimes Kel could almost
swear Neal knew there was a war raging inside her head and heart about her
feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure, but to what extent he may or may
not know about it she wasn’t sure and she was definitely not going to broach
the subject with him anytime soon.
                “No thanks. No one here would want to dance with a girl dressed
in this,” Kel gestured down to her outfit, “and besides half the people I talk
to hate me or have this overly romanticized notion about what I do.”
                “I asked you to dance with me.” Neal huffed at his best friend
stubbornly.
                “Only because you’re my friend and you’re nice,” Kel argued.
                “How could you possibly say that after all this time?” Neal
gasped dramatically. “After all we’ve been through together?! Oh my heart!”
Neal grabbed his chest and stumbled towards her. Kel resisted the urge to roll
her eyes at his antics.
                “Meathead behave like you know how to act in public,” Dom
ordered as he joined the pair. Dom was dressed finely in his Own dress blues,
and Kel admired how handsome he was. She still had a bit of a crush on the
sergeant.
                “Why do you have to come over here and ruin a perfectly good
evening?” Neal asked his cousin, his brown eye browns knitting together to form
a scowl.
                “Why do you have to be so annoying Meathead?” Dom retorted.
                “I’m not annoying anyone!” Neal exclaimed. “Ask Kel,” Neal
jerked a thumb in her direction.
                “I specifically think you’re annoying this lovely lady here,”
Dom replied teasingly. Kel enjoyed the company of the cousins and their banter.
It was easy to lose herself in their easy going and playful mood they seemed to
radiate. Her smile went sour however when she notice Cleon walking around in
the crowd looking for someone and Kel would bet her last gold noble he was
looking for her. Kel politely excused herself saying she was going to check on
Lord Raoul and then be right back. Kel hurried to blend in with the throng of
people in their Midwinter best thankful that Cleon had yet to spot her.
                It was getting ridiculous having to dodge Cleon all the time,
Kel resolved herself to set Cleon straight tomorrow when she could go to him in
her grubby every day wear and make him realize that she was positively not what
he wanted. Kel felt good now having a plan of action on how to deal with Cleon.
There was a bit of a bounce in her step as she crept up to Lord Raoul’s table
he had camped out at. She opened her mouth to say something to her knight
master only to realize he was locked in conversation with Alanna the Lioness.
Kel’s heart sank. She quickly vanished among the people again and snuck out to
the gardens to clear her head.
                Kel admired and hated the Lioness. She admired her for all her
heroic deeds and Kel longed to be as successful and skilled a knight as Sir
Alanna, but at the same time Kel was angry that the Lioness had chosen her best
friend over Kel to be her squire. Kel had hoped Alanna would pick her because
she knew how hard it was to be a Lady Knight and would have all kinds of advice
for Kel. But the entire time that Kel had been training for her knighthood she
had had absolutely zero contact with her idol. Kel wandered the garden wrapped
up in her thoughts, ignorant to the fact that she was being followed by a
friend and watched by an enemy.
 
                Joren saw the Girl talk with the idiot and the lesser noble son
before making her way back to her knight master only to abruptly turn and go
out to the gardens. This piqued Joren’s interest and he turned to look and see
what had caused such a strange reaction from the Girl. Her knight master was
busy nattering on with the King’s Champion. Joren was confused for a moment,
wasn’t the Lioness the Girl’s idol? Why wouldn’t she take that as an
opportunity to talk with her and no doubt learn how she too could cheat her way
into becoming a knight? Joren thought about it for a moment, happening to
glance over to the idiot and his cousin the lesser noble and he understood. The
Girl was jealous that her best friend had been chosen to be her hero’s squire
instead of her and probably harbored some ill feelings towards the Lioness.
Joren smirked and decided to get some fresh air on the balcony looking out on
the gardens.
                Once out on the balcony Joren distanced himself from the groups
and couples that lingered out there and quickly scanned the gardens below. He
saw the Girl walking around not particularly interested in the luxury or the
flowers planted that had been magicked to withstand the cold and snow. He saw
her head toward the hedge maze, completely unaware that the big red headed
fellow Kennan was following her with a determined look on his face.
               
                Kel wandered the maze, her hand running along and brushing up
against the evergreen hedge. Kel sucked in a deep breath trying to compose
herself enough that she could return to the ball, but she couldn’t. She felt
the emptiness clawing at her at the same time all the hurt and broken feelings
were tearing at her and Kel just wanted it to all stop. She needed to hurt
physically so she could discard all this emotional chaos that was exploding
inside her. It had been days since she last had cut and she needed to do it
again and soon. Tonight, Kel thought, tonight I’ll do it when everyone is
asleep. He mind made up Kel went to walk slowly back only to bump into a large
broad chest.
                “Sorry, excuse me.” Kel immediately said backing away to give a
bow to the person she had just run into.
                “It’s alright Kel,” Cleon chuckled. Kel’s head snapped up. It
was much sooner than she was planning on but Kel supposed that she would have
to deal with Cleon now as opposed to later.
                “Cleon I need to talk to you.” Kel started. Cleon put a big
finger to her lips to quiet her.
                “Shush, let me talk first. I’ve been trying to talk to you
about this since you came back.” Cleon said quietly and Kel was shocked to
realize he had moved closer to her, so close she could feel the heat radiate
off of him.
                Kel pushed his hand away, “no Cleon I don’t think you under-”
this time he silenced her with a hard kiss. Kel’s eyes went wide as she pulled
away quickly. “No Cleon-”
                Again he cut her off. “It’s okay Kel,” Cleon cooed as if he
were trying to sooth a skittish horse. He leaned back in to kiss her again with
the same bruising force that made Kel’s jaw ache. Cleon wrapped his arms around
her effectively trapping her as he continued to kiss her. Kel pushed at his
chest gently hoping he would take the hint and back off. He didn’t. Angry, Kel
shoved him away with all the force she could muster and put and hand to her
swollen lips.
                “I said no Cleon.” Kel said angrily, her Yamani mask gone and
she was unable to restore it on her face. “Do you know what ‘no’ means?”
                “I just thought that-”
                “Thought what? That it was okay for you to just keep doing that
when you knew it was bothering me!” Kel raised her voice and she quickly felt
herself becoming hysteric.
                “No that’s not it at all!” Cleon insisted. “I like you Kel and
I thought you might like me too.” Cleon added weakly.
                “Well I don’t.” Kel snapped, but when she saw the hurt cross
his face she softly added “like you like that. I like you as a friend Cleon.”
                She saw his face light up again. “Kel maybe we could try and be
more. If you like me as a friend maybe you could grow to like me more.” She
wanted to groan at his hurried speech. How was it he was so dense?
                “To what extent Cleon you’re betrothed.” Kel pointed out. 
                “I could break off the betrothal. We could be so happy together
Kel. I just know it.” Cleon said.
                “Cleon no, besides you’re like my brother” Kel said,
emphasizing the word brother. Cleon’s face fell a little at that.
                “There’s someone else isn’t there? Who is he?” Cleon demanded.
                “Why does there have to be someone else? Why can’t I just be
happy with what you and I have now?” Kel glowered. She continued on as she felt
herself shake with rage. “Is it because I’m a girl that I have to be busy
pinning away for somebody? I just want to earn my shield Cleon; I’m not
interested in anyone like that.” Kel bit back. She knew that it was a half lie.
She was attracted to Dom but Kel knew that endeavor was hopeless and not worth
mentioning.
                “I’m sorry Kel I didn’t mean for it to be like this.” Cleon
apologized, genuinely. “Please can we stay friends?” he begged. Kel clenched
her jaw but nodded.
                “Just please don’t get the wrong idea again?” Kel asked.
                Cleon nodded enthusiastically and leaned in towards her again,
Kel moved sharply back and glared.
                “On your cheek, for Midwinter luck,” Cleon explained.
                Kel shook her head. “I think there’s been enough kissing for
tonight.” Kel answered. “I’m sorry.” She amended when he looked crushed. Cleon
sighed and turned to leave and suddenly stopped.
                “You know one day you won’t think all this love business is so
silly and you’ll find somebody you do want to kiss you.” Cleon told her. Kel
opened her mouth to refute his words but he continued before she could. “And
when you do find him, I’ll hate him because there’s no one that’s ever going to
be good enough in my eyes for you.” She saw him nod his head and take a deep
breath before leaving her alone to her thoughts.
                Kel was officially drained and ready to lock herself away in
her room and forget this stupid night happened and there was no way she was
going to rejoin the party after that encounter so Kel decided to sneak off to
her room. She was careful to make sure no one else surprised her on her walk to
her room and that no one was following her. Kel didn’t think she could handle
another encounter with someone tonight without losing her mind. Kel turned the
final corner to her door and stopped. The gods must hate me Kel thought as she
saw Joren of Stone Mountain leaning on her door.
                Joren’s head snapped up to look at her when she turned the
corner and Kel regarded him warily. “What do you want Joren?” Kel asked,
breathing through her nose, trying to retain what little bit of calm she had
left.
                “I saw you with Kennan tonight.” Joren answered. “Bet you two
had all sorts of fun in the cover of the hedge maze didn’t you?” He sneered.
                “No we did not, and it’s none of your business anyways.” Kel
replied. “Now please get off my door so I can go to be.”
                “Alone?” Joren asked incredulously, “everyone too busy to warm
your bed with you tonight?”
                “Joren,” Kel growled in warning “I am not a whore.”
                “Then why are your lips swollen and bruised?” Joren asked
cockily.
                “If you must know it’s because Cleon kissed me, and before you
go on about how I’m a liar as well as a slut I pushed him away because I don’t
like him like that. I don’t like anyone like that so leave me alone!” Kel felt
herself spiraling out of control. Some part of her was ashamed she was showing
too much emotion, but another part felt good to get it out.
                Joren watched her. There was something different about Kel and
he needed to know what. He was sure if he just pushed her a little more he
would find out. “Oh really? Like anyone would believe that Lump,” Joren said
using his old nickname for the Girl. “Tell me which one do you prefer most? I’m
eager to hear about my age mates’ performance.”
                Kel saw red and punched Joren in the face causing him to
momentarily lose his balance. Joren stumbled a moment before righting himself.
He gave Kel a murderous glare before slapping her across the face. The pain
cleared Kel’s head and she felt her Yamani mask slip back into place out of
habit, but she still burned with anger inside.
                Joren watched as she calmly observed him deep in thought, he
face was calm but her hazel eyes blazed with what Joren assumed was rage. “What
is it you stupid cow?” Joren asked her mockingly. “Want me to slip into your
bed with you. Well perhaps if you ask nicely I’ll-”
                “Hit me again.” Kel demanded.
                “What?” Joren broke off his baiting and stared at her in open
confusion. “Is this some kind of joke?”
                “No I want you to hit me again. I want to see something.” Kel
said impatiently.
                “No.” Joren answered firmly. “I don’t know what game you’re
playing but I’m not falling for it.”
                “Never mind then.” Kel sighed as she felt the fury in her die
down. “Good night,” Kel said as she gently pushed him away from her door.
                “Out of curiosity what did you want to see?” Joren asked
catching her elbow. Kel tensed and hissed once again pulling her arm out of his
grip. He had felt a bandage on her arm, now Joren was really curious. He
quickly grabbed her arm again and rolled up her sleeve to uncover numerous
scars and a thick white bandage he had felt when he caught her arm to stop her.
Unwinding it while Kel struggled to pull away Joren uncovered an angry red cut
that was still bleeding lightly.
 Joren’s ice blue eyes snapped up to stare inquisitively into her hazel ones.
“What’s this?”
“A parting gift from the griffin,” Kel lied coolly.
“No this is too new, too fresh to be from the griffin. What is this?” Joren
asked again.
“A cut,” Kel answered simply.
“From where?” Joren pressed.
“What does it matter? Why do you even care?” Kel inquired sharply, once again
feeling anger bubble up inside her. She tore her arm from his grip and pushed
her sleeve back down. She would not allow her enemy to see her weakness.
“Because I do,” Joren told her. He changed tactics. “Is this what you’ve been
hiding from your friends?”
“I’m not hiding anything. I’m a knight in training I get hurt.” Kel stubbornly
denied.
“That’s not a training injury. It’s too even.” Joren informed her. “You are
hiding something you’re being defensive.”
“I’m not being defensive!” Kel snapped then gritted her teeth at the triumphant
look on Joren’s face. “You smug bastard,” Kel growled. “Go away.” She pushed
him away and tried to close her door on his stupid self-satisfied face but he
shoved his way inside her room and shut the door behind him. Kel grabbed the
nearest weapon she could find one of her lucky Yamani cats and threw it at him.
It shattered against the door when he dodged it. “Why won’t you just go away
and leave me alone?”
Joren didn’t answer; Kel continued to throw whatever she could get her hands on
at him off her desk, writing utensils, ink pots, bits of wax for melting and
sealing letters. Joren inched closer and grabbed both her wrists in his large
cool hands and restrained her. Joren looked at her face closely and saw all the
hurt she so deeply felt on her face for once. During her tirade she had dropped
her Yamani mask. He saw unshed tears in her hazel eyes threatening to fall, but
she had not lost that much control on her emotions to allow them to.
Joren would say afterwards that it had all been a mistake, but in that moment
looking at Kel, staring into her eyes Joren was captivated. Next thing he knew
he was gently meeting her lips with his in a tentative, soft kiss. 
***** Chapter 5 *****
Chapter Notes
     A/N: This chapter was so hard to write! I started it about twelve
     different ways but I couldn't get it to flow and progress the way I
     wanted. Hopefully everyone likes this chapter. It's going to get a
     little rated M in this chapter. I will put a warning up for anyone
     who doesn't want to read it. Enjoy!
 
When Joren's lips connected with Kel's she froze unsure what to do, after a
moment she relaxed and returned the kiss. This was the second time in less than
an hour that someone was kissing her, although this time Kel wasn't entirely
sure it was unwelcomed. Joren's lips were cool and smooth and the kiss was soft
whereas Cleon's had been too warm and rough in all sense of the words. Joren
kissed her with finesse and a practiced ease that Kel didn't know anyone was
capable of. She lost herself in the kiss and was suddenly startled by his
tongue in her mouth and his hands wrapped loosely on her waist and her own
hands tangled in his blond hair.
Kel jerked away and put her fingers to gingerly touch her lips while she stared
at Joren in a mix of shock and horror. Joren stared back coolly, his blue eyes
taking everything in about her. Joren filed away the pleasant feeling he
received while he was kissing the girl for later investigation right now Joren
was trying to comprehend what had possessed him to kiss her.
"Why?" Kel asked timidly, her hazel eyes searching him for answers.
"Because you're a whore," Joren said the first thing that he could think of.
"You're so easily won over by a kiss you tart. No wonder Kennan thought you
were interested." Joren let the words spill out of his mouth before he really
thought about them. Kel's face immediately smoothed and all emotions drained
from her expression, her eyes hardened.
"Get out." Kel ordered in a deadly calm voice. Joren stared back at her
defiantly for a moment before turning and leaving her room with a slam of the
door. Joren walked out of her room and cautiously looked around. There wasn't a
soul around. It wouldn't do for rumors to spread that he was bedding the Lump.
Joren reflected on his actions. Why had he kissed her? Joren supposed that she
had grown to be a very lovely looking girl any man would have to be blind not
to see that but Joren's usual affairs were with women who were easily
beautiful, meek and submissive. Kel was anything but meek and submissive.
Joren walked back to his room deep in thought about the kiss he shared with
Kel. Joren stopped abruptly. When had he started to think of her as anything
but Lump or the Girl? Joren unlocked his door and immediately went to sit on
his bed and buried his head in his hands. So many thoughts were flying around
in his head. He had all the pieces to the puzzle of Kel's secret but he
couldn't put them together. Joren decided he needed to sleep and tomorrow after
a night's rest he could put everything into the right perspective and even make
sense of his own actions. With that he kicked off his boots and removed his
tunic and fell asleep.
Kel sat at her window staring out at the Own barracks it looked out on. Snow
covered everything and the window gave off a terrible draft that made Kel's
body shiver. He animals huddled around together on the floor to watch their
mistress. The sparrows peeped in concern and Jump let out a whine and nudged at
her leg but Kel didn't seem to notice. She was thinking about everything that
had happened that night. She was so confused, first the whole thing with Cleon
and then Joren. She knew Cleon had been genuine in his feelings but what about
Joren? Was it all just some prank to hurt her? Probably but Kel couldn't help
but remember the feel of him against her lips. She had enjoyed kissing Joren
but not Cleon. What did this mean? Kel knew Joren was attractive; it was
useless to say he wasn't, and Kel theorized that she could have some underlying
physical attraction to him. Kel leaned her head against the wall and closed her
eyes; she drifted off to sleep thoughts still on Joren.
Kel didn't rouse from her position on the window seat at the tentative knock at
her door. The person on the other side of her door knocked again before trying
the door knob and finding it unlocked.
"Kel?" the person called quietly, Jump got up to greet the guest, Sergeant
Domitan of Masbolle. He whined and scratched at his legs and quickly looked
over to Kel asleep by the window. "Don't worry boy," Dom assured reaching down
to scratch his ears. "I'll put her to bed." Dom carefully stepped around the
sparrows that had roosted on the floor for the night and went over to Kel's
sleeping form. "Kel?" he shook her shoulder gently, trying to wake the girl.
She didn't stir, only remained peacefully asleep. Dom sighed and crouched to
pick Kel up and carry her to her bed. He deposited her on her bed and covered
her with her blankets. "You'll catch cold sitting there all night Kel," Dom
informed the sleeping girl with a tsk.
Kel snuggled into her bed while Dom stood there a moment longer looking down at
her. He bent down and kissed her forehead. "Midwinter luck Kel." He told the
squire before leaving the room, locking the door behind him.
===============================================================================
 
Joren slept poorly that night, he kept waking up after strange to colorful
dreams that made no sense. Dreams about him kissing Kel that progressed to some
not so innocent things. He dreamt that things had progressed farther than just
a simple kiss; he dreamt that hands had roamed, clothes had been discarded and
that she had fallen to her knees to engulf his member in her mouth. Joren was
now wide awake trying very hard to ignore the persistent erection he had. Joren
tried to conjure up anything that would make him go flaccid again but nothing
worked.
Joren had not been this aroused from a dream in years, but one kiss from the
Girl and he was all riled up with no one but himself to deal with it. Joren
gave a sigh of defeat and slipped his hand into his breeches and loincloth to
stroke his cock. Joren groaned at the contact, hips bucking of their own
accord. If felt so good. In his lust filled mind he recalled every bit of his
dirty dream about Kel. How she had sucked and licked him, making him beg for
more from her sweet mouth. Joren's hand pumped, twisted and squeezed trying to
bring himself to release quickly but his body betrayed him. He was forced to
fantasize more about her.
Joren moaned when he thought of finally pushing himself inside of her, she
would be tight around him and oh so wet. He would pound into her until he
finally spilled his seed deep inside of her and she would scream in ecstasy the
whole time, hazel eyes squeezed shut tight with her legs clamped around his
waist. Her hips would buck wildly trying to get enough friction that she could
orgasm. Joren came all over himself thinking about that. He had never felt a
release that powerful before, one that made his body twitch against his will as
he rode out the waves of satisfaction.
Joren panted his hand still in his pants, his penis finally softened. Joren was
disgusted with himself. He shouldn't have had to resort to getting himself off
when there were plenty of women he could have chosen to fuck and he should not
have gotten such a strong orgasm from thinking of Kel. Joren knew he needed to
sort all this out, but tomorrow. Right now he was tired and going to sleep. He
would deal with the mess in his breeches later.
===============================================================================
 
Kel woke up and felt disorientated. She had fallen asleep at the window so why
was she in bed? Jump was snuggled in by her feet at the end of her bed and did
not move when Kel slipped out of bed. The sun was just starting to rise outside
as Kel began her glaive pattern dance her mind barely focused on what she was
doing. Kel found that recently she had been barely paying attention to her
actions, that she was simply going around in a daze because her thoughts were
consuming her. Luckily when it was something like this her muscles easily
remembered what sequence they were supposed to be working in and simply did it
themselves without having Kel's attention to attend to it.
Kel came to the decision to forget everything that happened last night with
Cleon and Joren. Kel was certain Cleon would not speak of what happened because
of his pride and because he cared for Kel, but Joren could go either way. It
had been his mission to ruin her and this could give him the right ammunition
to prove that women could not be fighters, or Joren would keep silent because
of his pride and reputation to uphold. Kel was betting on the latter seeing as
there already were rumors going around that she was a whore, and Joren didn't
really know about her secret. Or at least Kel hoped. She couldn't really think
about it at the moment as she finished her pattern dance and set about getting
ready for the day.
Kel was just finishing combing her hair when there was a knock at the door. She
was contemplating ignoring whoever it was when she heard Neal shout from the
other side. "Don't you dare act like you're not here Kel!" Neal called, a
threat clearly implied. "You have some explaining to do after you ran off and
never came back last night. Where did you disappear to?"
Kel remained silent, knowing that Neal was dying to know what happened because
Neal loved gossip. With a small smile on her face she moved quietly to stand
next to her door, teasing Neal was far too easy and fun.
Neal made an impatient, exasperated noise. "Kel!" He whined, drawing out the
vowel. "Please open the door." He begged. "I won't even be mad that you left me
at the mercy of my cousin all night. I promise!" Kel supposed she had tormented
him enough for the moment and opened the door to see Neal's typical disheveled
hair and informal clothes. "Finally!" Neal sighed and took her hand to pull her
out of her room. "I looked for you last night where were you?"
"I decided to go to bed, I was tired." Kel answered making a conscious decision
to avoid mentioning the encounters with Cleon and Joren. There were some things
Kel just couldn't share with her best friend.
"Well you could have told me. Dom was very annoying after you left." Neal
huffed, somewhat indignant.
"I'm sorry."
"No you're not." Neal said stubbornly.
"You're half right, I'm only sorry I missed it." Kel teased and Neal's green
eyes stared at her in mock hurt.
"I knew it! The moment I let my cousin loose around you he would become a bad
influence on you. What happened to dear sweet Keladry who didn't find joy in
her best friends anguish?" Neal threw his arm to cover his eyes in an over
exaggerated way.
"Can't we ever just walk down the hallway without you making a big scene?" Kel
sighed. Neal immediately became serious.
"What's wrong Kel?" Neal asked. Kel silently cursed herself; she forgot how
perceptive Neal was.
"Nothing," Kel answered stubbornly.
"Kel you can tell me. I'll find out somehow you know, and I'll just keep asking
you until you tell me." Neal threatened.
Kel knew he would too. She supposed she could tell him about Cleon, he would
find out about that somehow, though she didn't know how Neal always knew so
much about what she had been up to when they were apart. "Cleon kissed me last
night." Kel told Neal, looking around to make sure no one else had heard them
as they walked the halls.
Neal gave a low whistle. "I take from your tone that it wasn't welcomed?" Neal
inquired.
"Cleon's a friend Neal. I don't think about him that way. I tried to let him
down easy but I think I hurt his feelings. No I know I hurt them." Kel
explained, suddenly feeling much older than she was.
"I knew he was up to something last night but I didn't think-"
"Who was up to what?" Dom asked coming up behind them and slinging an arm
around both of them as he walked between them.
"Cleon kissed Kel last night," Neal told Dom before Kel could stop him.
"Nealan!" Kel shouted at her best friend. "Don't tell everybody!"
Dom frowned and looked at Kel. "So are you two courting now?" Dom's face was
grim and searching.
"Of course not don't be stupid," Kel answered turning away from the severity of
Dom's stare. "But that's why I left last night. After Milord didn't need me I
went for a walk before I came back to talk to you two clowns when Cleon found
me in the garden's and kissed me." Kel continued her tale when both cousins
implored her to do so.
"So then what happened?" Neal asked. Kel shrugged out of Dom's arm as the
weight of it on her shoulders became uncomfortable; Dom removed his arm from
Neal at the same time.
"Do we really have to go into this? It happened, it's over and nothing came
from it." Kel stated, she loathed to talk about her personal affairs like this.
"Yes we really do Kel," Neal answered. "It's bothering you.
"Fine," Kel yielded. "He was persistent, I'll give him that."
"Persistent?" Dom echoed.
"How so?" Neal asked.
"I dunno he just thought that even after I said I only cared for him as a
friend that I might try for something more." Kel sighed in defeat.
"Isn't he betrothed to that girl from Aminar?" Dom pointed out.
"Yes," Neal and Kel answered at the same time.
"I expected more from Cleon," Neal continued, his brows knitting together in
anger.
"Let it be Neal, I'm sure he feels awful as it is," Kel said. Dom muttered
something under his breath that Kel didn't quite catch. Kel was about to ask
him to repeat himself but Owen came up to the trio.
"Isn't it a jolly day?" Owen inquired brightly. Neal looked at his friend in
disgust.
"How can anyone possibly be that cheery at this hour?" Neal asked
incredulously. Owen and Neal continued in their playful banter, leaving Dom and
Kel behind them walking together toward the Mess for breakfast. Dom noticed
that Kel seemed nervous and asked her about it.
"Hm? Oh, it's just I don't know how to face Cleon after last night. I'm just
worried things will be awkward now." Kel told him.
"Why then, don't we sneak off to the mess hall for the Own and leave my idiot
cousin to deal with it?" Dom suggested wickedly. Kel paused for a moment before
nodding and the two quietly slipped away unnoticed.
===============================================================================
 
Joren walked towards Lord Wyldon's office to deliver a message from his knight
master. Joren scowled the whole way. He was tired and his face looked gaunt
from his night of poor sleep. Joren wholeheartedly blamed it on the Girl for
suddenly being so mysterious over an injury and then being cryptic. Joren could
handle her under normal circumstances; last night had been something else
entirely. Joren decided his decision to kiss her had spurred from her emotional
outburst and the fact that Joren had allowed the Girl to take up too much of
his thoughts.
Joren rounded a corner in the wing of the palace where the pages were still
holding classes for the day before letting off for Midwinter Break to study for
their exams that were coming up. Joren passed a class teaching those who
possessed the gift how to heal wounds.
"… now I'll show you all how to heal minor cuts and injuries. First we'll start
with cuts. Everyone please take your belt knifes and make a little nick on your
hand. Nothing too big. Now while you're all doing that the healer's would like
me to remind you all that we are only doing this once for educational purposes.
If you ever see a fellow page doing this outside of class please inform someone
immediately because this might indicate a serious health concern." The teacher
droned on in a warning tone. Joren rolled his eyes at the speech. They were
always so concerned with being politically correct when teaching healing.
Suddenly Joren's mind flashed to the incident last night with Kel when he
discovered her own injury. She had treated it like a secret, and she got
defensive and almost seemed embarrassed at him discovering it.
She couldn't possibly be- Joren's mind trailed off. It all made sense though,
all the pieces were clicking into place. "Of all the stupid things," Joren
muttered under his breath. He resolved to find Kel and confront her with his
new found knowledge after he delivered the message to Lord Wyldon. Joren knew
at this point that he could no longer exploit her secret to his own ends. It
was far too serious of a problem to do so with and the Code of Chivalry
demanded that he help her. Though Joren didn't follow the Code strictly, this
was something he couldn't overlook.
===============================================================================
 
Kel enjoyed having breakfast with the Own in their dining hall. It was far more
relaxed than in the one that the pages, squires, knights, and other nobility
used. Kel felt much more at ease with the men of the Own than she felt around
her own friends these days. Kel supposed it was because she still held
something against herself for not being able to find a knight master as quickly
as her friends, or that she didn't become the Lioness' squire like Neal. Kel
saw and heard of her friends doing great thing and accomplishing so much, and
she felt like all her's were over exaggerated. Kel had the men of the Own to
always back her up when she went against those immortals or bandits.
Dom pulled Kel from her thoughts by waving a steaming roll under her nose.
"I'll take your bread if you don't stop spacing out." Dom threatened teasingly.
Kel looked at him and he promptly put it back on her tray. "Is the whole Cleon
thing still bothering you or is it something else?" Dom inquired.
"I'm fine." Kel insisted.
"I didn't ask if you were fine Kel." Dom pointed out, he was about to say more
but stopped and instead asked, "we're friends right Kel? You know you can trust
me."
Kel laughed. "Yes we're friends Dom." Kel assured. "I'm just having a weird day
is all."
"What do you mean?"
"Well like for example last night I could have sworn I fell asleep sitting on
the window seat in my room but this morning I woke up in bed and I have no idea
how I got there." Kel said. Dom chocked on a bite of his oatmeal, and Kel
thumped his back to help him clear his airways. "Everything okay Dom?" Kel
asked.
"Yep," Dom gasped and took a drink from his water. When he regained his
composure he spoke. "Maybe you got up and went to bed and just don't remember
it," Dom suggested.
"Yea that's probably what happened." Kel replied doubtfully, eyeing Dom who was
acting weird. They continued their meal and talked about different things and
Dom flirted like normal until Neal found them and they sat through a round of
his dramatics. They eventually all parted ways, Neal had to go help his father
in the Healer's Wing, Dom had drills to run with his squad, and Kel had lessons
with Lord Raoul.
Kel quietly made her way back to her room and met with Raoul who had her
pouring over sums that a commander would have to know and not for the first
time Kel wondered if Raoul was trying to make her up to be a commander of some
sorts. Kel knew green knights were never given a command; those were for older
more experienced knights like her knight master. But Kel dutifully worked on
the sums, even as Raoul excused himself to leave her to work on it alone for a
while.
Kel was content to be holed up in her room working on the math and battle
logistics Raoul had given her. She was engrossed in her work that when someone
knocked rather demandingly on her door that she had to stare at it for several
long moments to make sense of it. Kel slowly got up from her seat and stretched
her stiff muscles; whoever was on the other side of the door was pounding on
the door continuously. "Alright I'm coming," Kel muttered more to herself that
to whoever was hammering away at her door. Kel swung the door open to find
Joren. He looked her over for a moment before shoving her inside her room and
shutting the door behind him as he entered.
"What do you think you're doing Joren?" Kel snapped trying to move around him
to open the door and kick him out of it. "Get out." Joren didn't speak for a
moment; he just leaned up against her door and looked her square in the eyes.
"You're cutting yourself" Joren stated simply. Kel opened her mouth to tell him
to leave again and then shut it in surprise.
"What?" Kel breathed.
Joren pushed off the door and made his way over to her and rolled up her sleeve
and unwound the bandage at her elbow and looked at the healing scar on her arm
there. He gently brushed his thumb over the wound that sent shivers and a sting
of pain up her spine. Kel's eyes were fixated on Joren. "I said you're cutting
yourself." Joren repeated. Kel opened her mouth to deny it but Joren's eyes
snapped to hers and he firmly added "I know that's what you're doing, what I
want to know is why?"
Kel shut her mouth and looked at Joren. "Why, how?" Kel managed to get out. Her
brain had frozen in a panic. Joren knew her secret and he would use it to get
her kicked out of her training with her knight master.
"Answer the question" Joren ordered.
"No. It doesn't matter you have enough to destroy me now," Kel moved away from
Joren, he let her arm slip from his grip like water. Kel sighed and sat down in
the chair she had just vacated and put her head into her hands to hide the
shameful tears leaking from her eyes. She had failed.
Joren followed her and put a comforting hand on her head. "As much as I hate
what you're doing I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't use this against you." Joren
assured her. Kel stifled a sob and refused to look up at him.
"You're lying," Kel choked out, her voice cracking. Kel couldn't believe that
she was showing this much emotion around him. It was as if everything she
learned from the Yamani had gone to waste.
"No I'm not." Joren spoke softly, his hand stroking her hair gently. "When I
was six my nursemaid killed herself." Joren told her. Kel froze underneath his
touch. "Rumors were that my father had raped her and that she was carrying his
bastard child. He forced her to terminate her pregnancy, and she killed
herself."Kel lifted her head and looked at Joren. Tears spilled from her hazel
eyes and she sniffed often to keep the snot from coming out of her red nose.
"So when I asked you why you were doing this it's because I care."
Kel was silent, letting his words sink in before answering. "I needed to feel.
Sometimes I can't feel anything I feel so numb." Kel gave a bitter laugh. "Then
I have days like this and I do it so I won't feel." Joren didn't speak again,
just regarded her with ice blue eyes. Kel decided to ask the question that had
been plaguing her since the night before. "Why did you really kiss me?"
"I don't know." Joren answered honestly. Kel nodded in understanding.
"What are you going to do about this?" She gestured to her arm.
Joren looked into her hazel eyes and he knew exactly what he was going to do.
Joren ducked down and sealed their lips together. He pulled apart and said "I'm
going to help you."
***** Chapter 6 *****
Chapter Notes
     Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue
     This chapter has also given me grief. I'm having a hard time trying
     to explain Kel's emotions and though process without making her way
     out of character. I know several of you out there are up in arms I
     even am writing her like this but I just want to get this out to show
     people that not everyone who self-harms is this mopey, weak, whiney
     person. That people who seem normal and strong can hurt like that.
     Anyways there's some citrusy goodness in this chapter in the form of
     a lime (I realize that using that term probably shows my age on
     here…) Anyhow enjoy! And you can also find this story on AO3 under
     the same username as this one! It's exactly the same so don't get too
     excited. This story is un-betaed so please forgive any grammatical
     and spelling errors. I did run it through spell check but that only
     does so much. If you're interested in becoming a beta for this story
     (and getting to read chapters before they are published on here)
     please let me know by sending me a private message, otherwise I'll
     just start sending it to my friend who hasn't read these books
     pleading that she will favor me and fix my mistakes. I'm looking at
     you LovetheOmni!
 
Midwinter break seemed to go by slowly. Kel was in anguish, she spent majority
of her time with her friends, and her evenings with Joren who had denied her,
her refuge. He checked her arms for new cuts, forcing her to move to slicing up
the skin of her hips, which he quickly discovered two days later when he
decided to kiss her again. That confused Kel more than him trying to get her to
quit her habit. Joren kissed her often when they were alone, but in public it
was business as usual, though most of his hurtful comments lacked the bite they
use to have. Joren had assured her he did not have feelings for her like Cleon
did, he was simply attracted to her and that was the end of it. Kel could
handle their new dynamic, there were no emotions involved, just mindless hours
of him kissing her, or them just talking, sharing stories of their childhood
and experiences.
Kel found that she was becoming more and more comfortable talking to Joren but
she couldn't broach the subject on her feelings or reasoning behind why she had
started hurting herself. Kel herself hadn't completely sorted all that out. Kel
did tell him the first time it happened had been an accident that spiraled out
of control. She had been injured, a cut in her forearm from fighting bandits
with the Own. She had needed stitches and Kel recalled that she sat alone in
her tent a few nights later sitting on her bedroll, feeling like the emptiness
in her was consuming her and she had absentmindedly started pressing on her
wound and the pain had helped her, given her strength to keep on going. It was
only much later after that occurrence that she had starting cutting to stop
feeling as well. Joren asked her a lot of questions about it though. Did she do
it less when she had the griffin around, and Kel had to explain that it was
different when the griffin hurt her and it didn't always stop her from self-
harming herself. Sometimes it did, sometimes it didn't there was no rhyme or
reason to it.
Joren always kissed her when she told him things like that, and just held her.
Kel didn't mind the physical proximity with Joren like she had with Cleon.
Joren knew when to treat her gently and when she wanted him to treat her
normally, Cleon acted like she was far more breakable than she was. Joren
seemed to understand that her strength and self-assurance waxed and waned. Kel
was amused to realize that she had begun to somewhat trust him and view him as
a friend. Kel told him as much one night when he was lying with her on her bed
late one night.
Joren snorted at her confession. "You do this with all you friends?" Joren
asked waving his hand down their tangled, clothed forms. Had Kel had any less
Yamani training she would have blushed at his implication but instead she shook
her head.
"No. Believe it or not I've not done anything more than kiss a boy." Kel told
him matter-of-factly.
"You're right I don't believe it." Joren affirmed. Kel rolled her eyes and
turned her head away from him.
"That's your problem then." She said her voice barely above a whisper. It
didn't matter that more often than not her knight master slept Buri's room
since Kel had suggested he take her to the Midwinter Balls to avoid the
matchmaking mothers, Kel still insisted they remain quiet and keep their
nightly meetings a secret. Joren agreed.
Joren raised up to rest his head on his arm so that he could look down at her
face. Her quickly bent down to kiss her and maneuvered it so that she was
underneath his body. His hand all the while they were kissing was playing with
the waistband of her breeches.
"Joren, no." Kel told him firmly, removing his hand from her waist. Joren
pulled away immediately and apologized.
"I'm sorry, I won't push you," then he continued to blurt out his question,
"does it bother you that everyone thinks you're a slut?" Joren asked her,
studying her every move.
"Joren everyone assumes I'm loose. It's fine." Kel tried to keep her voice
normal, and face blank, but somehow he always knew what was going on behind her
mask.
"Yes and it bothers you." Joren observed.
"It's not like there's anything anyone can do to stop that." Kel reasoned. "So
it doesn't matter really."
"But it bothers you," Joren prompted.
"Yes is bothers me," she finally admitted. "But like I said its fine."
"So are you really one then?" Joren asked.
"One what?" Kel sighed, she knew what he was asking, but she hoped she was
wrong.
"A virgin."
"Yes Joren."
Joren fell back to the bed on his back and stared at the ceiling. "So you and
Queenscove never?"
"No."
"His idiot cousin?"
"Who Dom? No he just likes to flirt with everyone." Kel said her noise
scrunched up trying to imagine her with Neal or Dom. Neal definitely not. Dom,
well maybe, she did have a crush on him.
"But you do like the idiot cousin." Joren pointed out. Kel turned to look at
him, her brows knit together in confusion. "You flirt back with him." Joren
clarified.
"So?"
"So nothing," Joren shrugged as he left the bed and got up to leave the room.
"Good night Kel." He blew out the candle and left.
The next day was a blur to Kel, she accepted and gave gifts with her friends
and family during the last day of Midwinter and everyone waited with a baited
breath as it was finally time that the Yamani Princess Shinkokami would be
introduced to the court. Kel waited next to her knight master, her eyes fixed
on Roald who was nervously shifting his weight from foot to foot, a polite
smile plastered on his face.
"Kel," a voice called grabbing her attention. It was her brother Inness.
"Mother and Father have asked that you join them with the Yamani ambassadors."
Kel nodded and bowed to her knight master before following her brother to where
her parents stood. Lord Wyldon was present and nodded to her and her brother
when they approached. The Princess entered the ballroom, attendants and Yamani
guard following her closely. The Princess was seated beside Roald at the table,
Kel, her family and the ambassadors walked to the dais and gave a Yamani bow,
which to the Tortallans looked like a kowtow.
They all came to their feet again after the princess had given and respectful
bow back, with her's she simply brought her hands to the front of her thighs
and gave a slight bow, nothing like the one they had just given her. Kel
quickly glanced around and realized she knew the Yamani princess; it was her
childhood friend whom she had simply called Cricket. Cricket or Shinkokami
pulled out her fan to hide a smile behind it directed at Kel. Kel's head spun,
Cricket had been royalty? Pleasantries were exchanged from both parties and Kel
soon found herself chatting with the Princess and her ladies in waiting and was
surprised to find that she knew one of the ladies in waiting, Yukimi noh
Daiomoru, another childhood friend from her time in the Yamani Islands.
Shinkokami and Yukimi chatted easily with Kel in their native tongue, both
imploring her to call them by their nicknames Shinko and Yuki. Kel was glad to
see her old friends again and knew that Shinko would be a good match for Prince
Roald. So Kel took it upon herself to introduce them when he came up to speak
to them. Roald gave an expert Tortallan bow and Shinko and her Yamani ladies
gave them the same bow Shinko had given to the dignitaries earlier. They
conversed awkwardly at first, and Kel felt that it was her duty as daughter of
the ambassador who had worked long and hard for this occurrence to get Shinko
and Roald to become friends at the very least. After a few false starts they
finally started conversing easily with one another over differences in Tortall
and Yamani weapons.
Kel bowed and took her leave of the group shortly after, promising to meet with
the ladies in the morning for glaive practice and shukusen dancing. Kel made
her way over to her friends, aware that Joren had been watching her with
interest. She knew he would tease her later about something or another and she
was fine with it. Kel's friends greeted her with a thousand questions about the
arrival of the Princess and her ladies in waiting. Kel answered them as best as
she could and she noticed Neal kept sneaking glances over to the dais. Kel
prayed to any god listening he had not just become infatuated with the
Princess. That would complicate things and she didn't think she, or anyone
would be able to stand listening to his terrible poetry and odes to eyelashes.
Their inquisition was interrupted by Cleon who asked Kel for a dance. She was
grateful to be taken away from the questioning of her other friends, but was
nervous that Cleon had not entirely given up on winning over her heart. He led
her to the dance floor and they immediately fell in step with the others.
"I thought you could use a rescue." Cleon said, breaking the silence that had
fallen over them.
"Thank you, any longer and I would have lost my voice," Kel joked.
"A tragedy," Cleon assured. Kel looked at him, her face blank. "I didn't ask
you over here to declare my love for you again. You made it very clear the
other night how you felt about that. I just thought as a friend I could help
you out." Cleon assured her. She let loose a breath she didn't know she had
been holding. Kel nodded in understanding.
"Thank you," Kel repeated more heartfelt.
"Anytime, Pearl of my Heart," Cleon answered good naturedly. Kel groaned, he
was back to using embarrassing pet names with her. Cleon chuckled at her
reaction. "I'm still very much in love with you Kel," Cleon informed her. "If
you ever change your mind I'd be more than happy to accept your feelings, but
for now we shall just be friends."
Kel gave a small laugh. "Thank you Cleon." Kel gave his hand that was
intertwined with her's a gentle, affectionate squeeze. Kel was relieved that
things would go back to normal with Cleon. She cherished her friendship with
the boy, but the thought of kissing him didn't excited her and send butterflies
a flutter in her belly like it did with Joren. There just was no physical
attraction between her and Cleon on her part. Kel fought down a blush at
thinking about Joren and what his kissing did to her and instead tried to focus
on the conversation with Cleon.
They talked about simple things like what Inness had been teaching Cleon and
Kel gave him new ammunition to tease her brother with. The duo was startled
when someone tapped Cleon's shoulders asking to cut in; it was Kel's father,
Baron Piers of Mindelan. Cleon gave a respectful bow to Piers who waved it off.
"No need with such formalities." Piers assured as he took Kel's hand and pulled
her into a dance with him. Cleon quickly left the floor leaving Kel with her
father.
"I've missed you Papa." Kel told him.
"And I missed you too Kel. I've heard a lot of good things about you from
various people." Piers said. His eyes then went to Cleon over by the rest of
her friends. "Is that the fellow you fancy?" Piers inquired quietly.
"No Papa," Kel said, amused at his tone of voice. It was the voice of
a very protective father and shameful to the Yamani ways.
"Good. He's a nice lad I'd hate to have to sit him down for a chat," Piers
returned with a firm nod. Kel gave a small laugh.
"No we're just friends Papa I don't really care for anyone that way," Kel said
though she couldn't help that for an instant she looked at Dom and then to
Joren at opposite ends of the room. Best not to mention either of those two,
but Piers caught her and sighed to himself. Kel was fifteen and would be
sixteen come that summer and she was bound to be noticed by boys. Kel was
already taller than him by two inches, but he was a short man and despite her
height Kel was a lovely looking girl. Albeit not as skinny as her sisters or
any court ladies but Kel was definitely slim with beautiful hazel eyes and a
dusting of freckles on her nose and cheeks. Yes Piers admitted to himself in
defeat, it was only a matter of time before some boy because serious about her
and he'd be walking his youngest down the aisle. Piers suddenly felt old. He
finished the dance with Kel and let her return to her friends while he walked
back to his wife.
Ilane noticed the mood her husband was in; her sharp eyes missed nothing of the
exchange between Piers and their daughter Kel. Ilane questioned him upon his
return what had made him so surly. Piers exhaled and voiced his concerns.
"She's growing up, when did that happen?" Piers asked.
"When we weren't looking apparently," Ilane stated. "What's brought this on?"
"I was worried she was involved with Inness' squire, but she was quick to
dismiss the notion, or that she was interested in anyone." Piers muttered.
"And?" Ilane prompted, Inness' squire was a fine gentleman and would make a
lovely match for Kel is that was what she wished, but she knew there was more
to what was bothering Piers.
"Boys are going to start noticing her if they haven't already."
Ilane blinked. So that was it. Piers wanted to keep his baby girl to himself
for as long as possible and the thought of Kel with a boy had him up in arms.
She laughed softly and gently smacked her husband on the chest with her fan.
"Piers she's old enough now to make her own decisions about that."
Piers gave her a sharp look; to any other observer his face looked as blank as
Keladry's did when she wore her Yamani mask. Ilane only knew what her husband
was expressing through several years of marriage and familiarity. "It would be
proper if they asked my permission to court her first and to alert me to their
attentions on her." Piers huffed indignantly.
Ilane hid a smile behind her fan. "Perhaps I will have a talk with Kel, but
remember my love; there is nothing ordinary about Kel or her situation." Ilane
managed their children and grandchildren with practiced ease and a firm hand.
Piers typically submitted to his wife's will on how to raise their children,
but in this case he had a feeling what Ilane was going to say to Kel.
"Absolutely not," Piers said quietly. "She's only a child Ilane."
"I was fifteen when we were courting," Ilane reminded him, amusement dancing in
her eyes.
"Yes but," Piers had no good argument here. "She's too young." He repeated
weakly.
"But it would be best to talk to her now instead of later Piers she might get
herself into trouble if we don't. She's a smart girl, but when it comes to
matters of the heart she's clueless." Piers yielded to her and nodded. "Good
it's settled, I'll have a chat with Kel tomorrow and I'll give her a charm."
Ilane nodded firmly. Piers ran his hand through his greying locks. He
definitely was getting old.
===============================================================================
 
The next morning Kel practiced glaive routines with the Princess, her ladies in
waiting, the Queen, and her mother. They chatted in a mix of Yamani and Common,
and helped Queen Thayet to learn the correct posture and maneuvering of the
pole arm. It was odd at first for the Yamani ladies, Princess, and Mindelan
ladies to correct their queen, but Thayet took it in stride and laughed off
their nervousness. "If I make a mistake I want you to correct me and beat into
my head how to do it properly!" Thayet told them with a smile. The queen was an
expressive woman who joined in their group with ease and she was a quick study.
After an hour or two of practicing the routine the ladies parted ways to clean
up and carry on their duties for the day.
Kel made her way back to her room and washed up and changed her clothes just in
time to hear a knock on the door. Kel opened it thinking wirily that she was
becoming popular these days. It was her mother at the door. "Mama?" Kel was
confused; she had just seen her mother not twenty minutes ago.
"I wanted to speak with you privately, are you busy?" Ilane asked politely. Kel
shook her head and allowed her mother to enter the room and quickly closed the
door behind her. "Sit down Kel," Ilane ordered and Kel quickly sat on her bed,
leaving her mother the chair at her desk that was only a few feet away in her
cramped bedroom. "You're getting older now sweetling and I think it's time we
talked about men," Ilane began.
"Mama," Kel gasped in a scandalized tone. "There aren't any men to worry
about." Kel said, though that wasn't entirely true, there was one that had been
coming around though that hadn't progressed to anything more than passionate
kissing, and the other was simply flirting back and forth.
"Well all the more reason to talk about this. You're at that age where you're
starting to get noticed as a woman Keladry and I want you to be prepared for
what comes with that." Ilane spoke, her eyes focused on her youngest daughter
who was currently squirming uncomfortably. "Kel you're going to be a knight so
there is no expectation of you to marry or be a virgin when and if you wed,"
Kel turned red at this. "So I wanted to give you this." Ilane handed her a long
chain that held an anti-pregnancy charm at the end of it. Kel studied it in
horrified embarrassment. "You are your own woman Kel and you can decide what to
do with your body. I just wanted to talk to you about this before any gentlemen
became serious about their pursuits of you. Most nobles view this kind of thing
like horse breeding Kel, keeping the mares from being mounted by the wrong
stallion and other such nonsense." Ilane's face was blank while Kel's was on
fire. Her mother always did speak frankly but this was too much.
"Mama!" Kel gaped, scandalized.
"Well it's true," Ilane laughed softly. "I just want you to know you are free
to make your own decisions." Ilane added. "Now that the embarrassing part is
over, would you like to have dinner with your father, brothers and I this
evening in Corus?" Kel nodded yes to her mother. Ilane rose to her feet and
kissed her daughter on the forehead. "I love you my darling." She told her.
"I love you too Mama," Kel wrapped her arms around her mother and felt that
instant net of safety a child felt in its mother's arms. Kel had missed this
feeling of security. Kel held her mother tighter before letting her go. Ilane
looked at her daughter puzzled.
"Is there something bothering you love?" Ilane sat next to her daughter on her
bed and wrapped a comforting arm around her.
"No Mama," Kel lied. "I just missed you more than I realized." Ilane seemed to
accept her answer before taking her leave. Kel sat on her bed a few moments
longer thinking about what her mother said while staring down in disbelief at
the charm in her hand. There would be no need for this really, but Kel slipped
it over her head and hid it beneath her shirt anyways. She stood up and left
her room to go to the Chamber of Ordeal. It was time Kel tested herself against
it again.
***** Chapter 7 *****
Chapter Notes
     A Squire's Pain
     By oxlabyrinthxo
     Disclaimer – Don't own, don't sue!
     Chapter Seven (revised)
     A/N: Hello again my lovelies! I've written another chapter. I'm
     trying to make them longer because I always love it when a fic I'm
     reading gets a nice long update. I'm planning (read: hoping) to
     finish this story before the holidays so I can get to work on
     finishing my Supernatural fic Shapeshifter. Okay so there is a scene
     in here that I copied from the book Squire. You'll know it when you
     see it, it'll all be italicized and stuff and then with (parenthesis)
     to cite it in MLA format 7th Edition. Sorry I get weird because I
     don't want anyone to think I'm plagiarizing. I mean technically I'm
     bending the rules and all but I don't want to claim something that
     isn't mine. Everybody clear on that? Good! Also I am having an issue
     deciding if I'm going to have Joren die during his ordeal like he did
     in the books, or give him and Kel a "happy ending". I admit my bias
     for KelDom stories is probably causing me to be so indecisive on
     this. (My OTP is KelDom but I love the KelJoren paring too…) SO if
     anyone has strong opinions about this please let me know!
 
 
Joren hadn't seen much of Kel the next day after last night when the Yamani
Princess was met at court. He was worried that the added pressure on her would
exacerbate the situation she was in and send her to finding newer, more
secretive hiding spots on her body to cut. Joren imagined her hips had more
than a few cuts like Kel insisted when he discovered them last night. He had
grabbed her hips roughly while they were kissing and rolling around on her
narrow bed when she had quickly pushed his hands off and shuddered in pain. He
hadn't actually seen them to inspect the number of cuts like he did on her
arms, often rebandaging and applying healing salve to them. But she had
confessed to doing it easily enough, which Joren rewarded her honesty with more
kissing.
He was startled by her confession shortly after when they lay entwined together
on her bed catching their breath that she trusted him and saw him as a friend.
Joren of course made a snide remark about her chastity and was startled to hear
her confess that she was a virgin. Joren had never thought that she was
actually was a whore, but he hadn't dreamed that she was completely
inexperienced with men. He had assumed that at some point or another she and
her best friend Queenscove had fallen into bed together. But he was pleasantly
surprise at her virtue remaining intact this long into her knight training
completely surrounded by men. Not that Joren had any designs on her beyond
their physical relationship, but still it was good to know that she wasn't
carrying any diseases she's picked up in the beds of men.
Joren looked around his room and rubbed his stubble coated chin with the back
of his hand. He got to his feet and stretched. He might as well find her and
check on her this afternoon. He made his way towards her room to see her mother
leaving the room; Joren quickly passed the room and decided he'd circle around
in a few minutes. He had seen the emotionless calculating stare her father had
given Kennan last night. Joren had no desire for her family to suspect that
there was anything going on between them. Their relationship, if you could call
it that, wasn't like that. Joren made full circle around the hallway and this
time saw Kel herself hurrying down the hallway. Joren would have called after
her but didn't want to draw attention to him and his new found fondness for Kel
so he silently followed her all the way to the Chamber of Ordeal and watched as
she determinedly set her hand against the door.
Joren's eyebrows rose up in surprise. What was she doing!? He panicked to
himself before quickly walking over to her and ripping her hand from the cold
metal door, accidently brushing his own hand against it. Joren froze.
Joren saw Kel asleep on her bed, a book was held loosely in her relaxed hands
… the sound of her front door smashing open woke her.
"Bitch!" a man screamed. Jump attacked the intruder. Sparrows followed like
feathered brown darts, gouging the newcomer's face. Kel threw herself out of
bed to yank her glaive from the wall.
"Trollop, you killed my boy!" shouted the man who fought Jump and the birds.
Kel pulled a shutter open, admitting cold air and early morning light – it was
shortly after dawn. Jump gripped one of the man's wrists in his jaws, drawing
blood. The birds continued to strike his face and eyes as he flailed at them
with his free hand.
Kel didn't know this well-dressed, white-haired stranger. Neither did she know
the woman and man who ran to in to grab him, the woman clinging to his waist,
the man with one hand on the stanger's tunic as he tried to knock Jump away.
The door to Raoul's chambers sprung open. Raoul was in his loincloth, holding
his unsheathed sword. Buri, clad in only a blanket, stood at his elbow, a
dagger in her free hand. "Birds, move," ordered Raoul. The sparrows darted off.
Raoul grabbed the snarling man one-handed and smashed him against the wall,
shaking him off his human companions. "Jump, let go," ordered Raoul. Jump
obeyed.
The woman, her face red and tearstained, wrung her hands as she and the other
man babbled to Raoul. Kel tried to hear what they said, without success.
Raoul's captive continued to swear at her. He craned around Raoul to stare at
Kel with blue eyes that bulged in their sockets.
Kel came forward, glaive ready in case the other two attacked her. When the
captive shut up long enough to breathe, she said quietly, "I don't even know
you."
He answered with curses. Raoul changed his grip to press a broad forearm across
the man's throat, cutting off air and voice. "My lord of Stone Mountain, you
forget yourself," he said icily. His captive wheezed. "If you try to carry out
your threats, I will break your jaw."
"He is distraught," the woman said, her voice breaking. "My lord, please,
Burchard is out of his mind with grief."
"My nephew is dead," the other stranger cried. "The Chamber of Ordeal opened on
his corpse."
"Joren? Dead?" whispered Kel, horrified.
Joren's uncle and mother glanced at her and away, as if they could not bear to
see her. "It is the shock," Joren's mother whispered, fresh tears on her face.
"Don't hold my husband responsible."
Raoul eased the pressure on Burchard of Stone Mountain's throat. The man was
not white haired but pale blond, as Joren was. "He was to be the greatest of
us," Burchard whispered. "My lord Wyldon said, after that first year, he was
the most promising lad he'd seen." His eyes were adder-poisonous as he looked
at Kel. "Jumped-up merchant slut," he whispered. "He was never the same after
you arrived. Never. You witched him, cursed him-" His voice was cut off as
Raoul reapplied pressure.
"I am tired of you," Raoul said, his voice deadly soft. "Nothing affects the
Chamber of Ordeal, you stupid bigot. Ask Numair Salmalín-"
"A progressive!" snapped Joren's uncle.
"Ask him under oath then," rapped out Buri, hoisting her blanket around her
shoulders. "Numair is the most powerful mage in the realm, politics or none. He
knows what everyone knows – no one has ever been able to affect the Chamber."
"I am sorry for your loss," Raoul told Joren's mother, "but Kel didn't kill
your son. I won't ask to settle this insult to my squire's honor, and thus to
mine, by combat. In that I respect your grief." He released Burchard.
The man fell to the floor. "Two lived destroyed in that Chamber this year," he
whispered, staring at Kel through a sparrow made mask of blood. "How did you do
it?"
"I didn't!" Kel protested shocked.
"Hush, Kel," Raoul ordered. To Burchard he said, "One more chunk of spew and
you answer me by the sword, understand?"
Burchard said nothing, only rubbed his throat. Raoul looked at Joren's mother
and uncle.
"We understand," Joren's mother told Raoul. She tried to pull her husband to
his feet.
"We understand our realm has strayed so far from tradition that the gods' gifts
fail," Joren's uncle snapped. "The Chamber is breaking down. What more proof do
we need that we have lost divine favor? What have you people left untouched?
You school the whelps of farmers, let women make war, intermarry with
foreigners-"
" I make allowance for your grief. " Kel had never heard that tone in Raoul's
voice. White-hot rage seemed to smoke off his skin. "Go. Bury your boy." Raoul
handed the lord of Stone Mountain up one-handed and thrust him at his wife and
brother. "While you do, ask yourselves where he learned to be so rigid that he
shattered under the Ordeal. Get out."
They left. Kel shut the door trembling. (Pierce 278-282)
Joren blinked rapidly to clear his mind, it had only lasted a few seconds but
to Joren the vision seemed to have taken an eternity to play out. What was
that? Joren wondered to himself, he shook his head to clear his thoughts; I
need to focus on Kel he thought and set his mind on Kel's foolish behavior.
"Exactly what were you doing?" demanded Joren.
"I was testing myself against the Chamber of Ordeal." Kel answered, confused as
to why he was so angry, "everyone does it." She shrugged.
"Who told you that?!" Joren shouted in disbelief. "Nobody test themselves
against the Chamber, once is enough to deal with. Geeze what are you made of
woman, stone?"
Kel tilted her head to try and understand what Joren had just told her. "I
thought everyone did this, get to know your enemy as it were and find a way to
conquer it. I just assumed no one talked about it."
"You are completely insane. No one but the line of kings has ever entered the
Chamber of Ordeal twice and certainly no one else is crazy enough
to test themselves against the Chamber," Joren spat out the words, secretly in
awe of her bravery.
"Oh," Kel said simply.
"What did you see?" Joren asked her.
"I don't think I can talk about it Joren" Kel told him nervously.
"That wasn't you're ordeal, you can talk about it I'm sure," Joren mused.
Kel shook her head, her light brown hair falling into her eyes. "No, just in
case I shouldn't say anything." Kel stated firmly.
"Was it something scary?" Joren questioned. Kel looked at him severely. "I'm
sure you can say that much."
"Yes it was something scary," Kel informed him; she sunk down into one of the
benches in the room.
"Are you okay?" Joren knelt in front of her and slid a hand under her chin to
force her to look at him. Hazel eyes were brimming with tears. Kel nodded at
first but when he quirked and eyebrow to challenge her answer she shook her
head and her voice broke as she told him that no, she wasn't alright. Joren
pulled her forward and into his arms and comforted her as she tried to contain
the sobs. Whatever the Chamber had shown her had rattled her, much like his own
vision had disturbed him. Joren frowned as he placed a kiss to the top of her
head and whispered comforting words to her. What he had seen, would it come
true or was it simply something to scare him? Joren didn't want to linger on
that thought to long, but still what if it was a vision from the future? How
could Joren keep from dying during his ordeal and shamming his family and worst
of all – leaving Kel behind?
Joren didn't know why leaving Kel would be worse than all other repercussions
of him dying; he just felt that it was. Perhaps because he was the only stable
thing in her life right now? Joren didn't reflect too long on that because soon
enough Kel had regained her composure and started to pull away from his
embrace.
"I'm sorry," Kel whispered. "I don't mean to be such a baby."
Joren gave her a small, reassuring smile. "You can cry all you like, that's
what I'm here for," he leaned forward and connected their lips in a chaste
kiss. "Now you better run along before someone comes looking for you and finds
you here with me. I don't think I could handle your friends' inane accusations
that I'm secretly corrupting you or some other such nonsense." Kel rose to her
feet, Joren following suit. She briefly hugged Joren and made to leave but he
stopped her. "I'll be by later tonight," he warned. Kel smiled at him and left
the room. Joren turned to stare at the iron door then sank to his knees to pray
that the Black God would not take him from this world and from her just yet.
===============================================================================
 
Kel found herself at the indoor practice courts with Dom that afternoon, both
stretching and readying to practice hand to hand combat. Neal stood on the
sidelines taunting his cousin saying he hoped Dom had made a will out cause Kel
was going to k-i-l-l him. Kel shot her friend a disproving look. Neal put his
hands behind his back and whistled innocently. Her other friends laughed and
told him to behave or Mother might punish him. Kel made a face at their
insistence at calling her mother. Kel had slowly realized that her face had
been becoming more expressive in the last few weeks due to her time away from
Yamani culture and probably from more recently, Joren's influence. She hoped
she would regain the effectiveness of her mask now that she would be spending
more time with the Yamani ladies. Kel was afraid of what her emotions would do
to her if they broke loose, better to worry about feeling numb and wanting to
feel that to have to beat back those dark emotions that plagued Kel on some
days.
"Ready Kel?" Dom asked her, she nodded and moved to stand closer to him. They
both bowed to one another and then crouched into a fighting stance. Owen called
the start of the match and Dom feigned an attack to her left that she
immediately tried to dodge and went right into his real strike on her right
side. Kel hit back, but Dom blocked her. Kel spun on her heels to throw a high
kick to his chest but he brought up and arm to block. Kel pulled back and
studied him. Kel was smaller than him, but barely, she had had more training,
but he had more field experience. She tried to throw a few fancy moves she
learned or adapted from her teachings from the Yamani Islands and the Shang to
surprise him, but he had dirty tricks up his sleeve from years of fighting
bandits and the street fights the men entered and betted on. Kel tried for
another kick but this time he grabbed her ankle and tugged pulling her off
balance. He released her leg and tried to grab her arm to keep her from falling
backwards, but all it did was pull him down with her so that he was on top of
the lady squire.
Her friends fell silent and Kel held her breath. She felt the muscles in Dom's
abdomen pressing against her belly, he pushed himself up onto his arms to
relieve his weight off of her, though Kel didn't care, it hadn't been
unpleasant to feel him above her. Dom quickly made it to his feet, his face
bright red as he offered a hand to pull her up. Kel accepted it, still in a
daze. She saw Neal come running out to look her over. Then he turned to
chastise his cousin.
"That was a stupid move Dom you could have caused her a head injury!" Neal
snapped when he was satisfied she was fine.
"I'm sorry," Dom apologized, face still burning; a hand was rubbing the back of
his neck sheepishly. "It was an accident."
"Accident my foot, you just had to go and do something perverted to Kel." Neal
rolled his eyes, Dom turned redder. Kel snapped out of her stupor as Neal began
to list all the horrible outcomes there could have been because Dom was
careless and a degenerate apparently.
"Neal," Kel interrupted his tirade on Dom's behalf. "It was an accident." Kel
didn't know why Neal had suddenly become over protective over such a small
matter, but sometimes he regarded her much like he did his little sister who
was Kel's age.
"Don't defend him Kel it'll only encourage his depravity," Neal ordered.
"What do you mean?" Kel inquired, confused.
Neal opened his mouth to speak but Dom quickly cut him off with an elbow to his
ribs. Neal coughed and sputtered, glaring at Dom. Dom smiled cheekily "it's
nothing, Just Meathead being a meathead," Dom assured her. Kel nodded
skeptically and turned to stop Neal who was now using the colorful language he
had learned from his knight mistress to yell at Dom. The group had a few more
rounds of hand to hand practice, Merric easily besting Seaver and Neal cheating
against Cleon to win, but Kel's mind wasn't focused on the matches of her
friends, it was on the blue eyed sergeant who stood beside her. What had Neal
meant by calling his cousin a pervert? It had only been an accident, him
falling onto her, though Kel reasoned she was the real pervert here, she had
enjoyed him above her, it had made her feel warm in places she didn't know
existed, and made her feel a strange longing in her belly she often felt when
Joren and her kissed passionately.
Kel was pulled from her thoughts by Dom teasingly tugging her hair. Kel's eyes
snapped to his grinning face. "Spacing out a lot these days lady squire?" Dom
joked "are you perhaps thinking of someone?" he pried, hopeful.
"No just thinking Dom," Kel informed him, dashing his hopes. Dom had had
something of a crush on the squire since he first met her, but she had been
only fourteen at the time. Much to young and he had been afraid of what Lord
Raoul would do to him if he thought Dom was messing around with his squire whom
Raoul also considered something of a daughter. Now she was fifteen and soon to
be sixteen in a few months and Dom was besotted with her. Dom longed to kiss
her and tell her of his feelings, he could see himself staying with her unlike
the flings he occasionally had with the women at court and the passionate
nights he shared with young widows.
"What I wouldn't give to know what goes through your mind Kel," Dom flirted;
Kel's cheeks tinged pink and Neal came over to interrupt them.
"You'd get lost Dom, she actually has thoughts unlike you, you simpleton." Neal
rolled his eyes at his cousin's attempts at flirting with his best friend. Neal
had realized a while ago Dom was in love with Kel, from Dom's responses to the
letter he sent him mentioning Kel, Neal knew Dom interest had been piqued by
the girl he didn't even know. Then when Dom had actually met her Neal watched
as Dom fell more and more in love with Kel. Neal was jealous of the thought of
losing his best friend to his cousin, Neal loved Kel, he wasn't in love with
her or anything like Dom was though. Kel was like a sister to him and he cared
about her and wanted her to be happy. Lately she had seemed to be in a funk
that had worried Neal. He knew some of it stemmed because she resented the fact
he was the Lioness' squire and she was not, but Neal knew the real reason
behind it. The King had forbidden his Champion from having any contact with
Kel, so she chose Neal as her squire so she could keep an eye on Kel. Neal also
knew of the gifts Alanna had been sending secretly to Kel since she started
page training.
Neal was still worried about Kel though; she didn't know all of what Neal knew
and speculated, he knew she felt like she wasn't good enough despite being the
squire to the Knight and Commander of the King's Own and doing several notable
things that balladeers would be singing about for years to come. He had noticed
that Kel had become more withdrawn, he just didn't know what to do about it,
though the past few days she's seemed to lighten up and engage with her friends
again. Neal hoped she was on the mend from whatever had been plaguing her but
he feared she was sinking into a depressive state that would be too much for
her to handle on her own. So Neal watched out for her and protected her, even
if it was from his favorite cousin who was madly in love with her.
===============================================================================
 
Joren sat alone in his room, his shirt loose and untucked. He ran a hand
through his hair and exhaled the breath he had been holding. Joren didn't want
to admit how much the vision he had received when his hand had inadvertently
touched the Chamber door pulling Kel's hand away had scared him. Joren couldn't
believe that Kel had been going to the Chamber and testing herself against the
door for over a year. Joren touched it once and he was ready to turn tail and
run from his knight training and shame his family.
His hand scraped over the pale blond hair growing on his chin. Was it a
premonition or was it simply something to scare him with? Joren wanted to ask
Kel but didn't know how to broach the subject with her without reveling what he
had seen, more importantly how he could unsee it altogether? Joren didn't want
to see that hurt look on Kel's face when his father shouted obscenities at her,
blaming her for his death. Joren had seen something break inside Kel when she
learned he was dead and that look stirred something in Joren's chest. He didn't
want to cause her anymore pain, and Joren was scared of dying. He was afraid of
the unknown, and suddenly when he was faced with the prospect that his life may
be cut short Joren stopped to think about his actions. When had he become this
person? When had he allowed hate to rule him?
Joren shook his head to clear his thoughts. He resolved himself to apologize
for his actions and part he played in making Kel's page years so hellish. Joren
admitted to himself that when he started this thing with Kel he hadn't intended
to come clean and ask her forgiveness but now he felt that it was necessary. If
he was going to die he was going to make amends and leave nothing unfinished.
Joren shuddered again, more from his dark thoughts than from the draft in the
castle. Joren had to admit, after looking back on how he had conducted himself
in these past ten years or so were not becoming of one in his station and that
he would probably not make it out of the Chamber of Ordeal alive, effectively
paying for all his sins. At that thought Joren finally broke down and wept,
accepting his fate.
 
===============================================================================
 
Bibliography:
Pierce, Tamora. Squire. 1st ed. . New York: Random House, 2001. 278-282. Print.
***** Chapter 8 *****
Chapter Notes
     A Squire's Pain
     By oxlabyrinthxo
     Disclaimer – Don't own, don't sue!
     Chapter Eight (revised)
     A/N: I want to clarify something here before you read the chapter.
     Kel switches up on us and uses a different instrument to cut herself
     and thinks that she's getting better. Now I am not a doctor or
     professional but in my opinion and based on the things I have learned
     in my multiple and lengthy psychology classes is this pearl of
     wisdom: self-harming is self-harming. It doesn't matter what you use
     to do if you are doing something to hurt yourself it's a serious
     thing. There are no "levels" of it. So my dear readers don't be
     fooled by Kel's logic later on here in this chapter. Also if anyone
     out there reading this has or struggles with something like this, if
     you need to I am here to talk. PM anytime and as soon as I see the
     message I'll respond and help you to the best of my ability. Again I
     am not a doctor or psychologist but I am a friendly individual and a
     librarian. I'm here if you need to talk or if you need direction to
     find / get help. Thank you, and onward to more fun author's ranting.
     So I got one review saying I should be merciful and give Kel and
     Joren a happy ending. I'll take that into consideration, but I make
     no promises. It would be more realistic and closer to the canon if he
     died during his ordeal (and I've been reading a lot of KelDom fanfics
     too…) but if I did let the story go that way I wouldn't have Kel end
     up with anyone else, you know just imply stuff like they did at the
     end of Lady Knight. More input is needed on this. Let me know what
     you think, this story is for your enjoyment after all! Also I checked
     I get roughly 40 hits per chapter. YAY! Thank you so much guys! This
     chapter is for my 40 or so readers!
 
 
After Midwinter many knights, and by extension their squires, left the palace
to return to their own fiefs. Joren and his knight master Sir Paxton were among
those knights who when there was a break in the snow falls took the opportunity
to travel to Nond for a spell to manage the fief. Joren was anxious leaving
behind Kel; he reasoned he was only worried that she might get worse during
their time apart. He longed to write to her, to find out how she was doing, but
both had agreed that they wouldn't exchange letters. Kel had been firm on that.
She told Joren that since he was adamant their arrangement remained a secret
that writing to one another would blow their cover. She also assured Joren she
would be fine without him. Joren didn't know whether she had meant it or was
simply putting on a brave face like she tended to do, but was forced to accept
the circumstances.
Joren knew that come spring they would be reunited when he and his knight
master joined with the Progress at Stone Mountain. Joren made a face at that
thought. It was a cold calculating move by the crown, subtly telling the Lord
of Stone Mountain, Joren's father, that they were aware of his activities, and
they were watching closely. Joren imagined the expression on his father's face
when he was told that the Progress would be coming to the conservative fiefdom
of Stone Mountain, the angry reddening of his skin and the frown etched on his
stony face. Joren could safely assume his father had thrown a fit when he heard
the news, which probably turned into a coughing fit. Joren's father had been in
poor health lately, though the Lord himself refused to admit it. Joren
suspected Burchard was suffering the effects of a disease he picked up from one
of his many lovers and was not long for this world.
Joren's thoughts turned to his own impending death that awaited him in the
Chamber of Ordeal. Joren wondered if he would outlive his father or not, he
hoped he did, if only to avoid the vision the Chamber had given him. Joren had
resigned himself to his fate and resolved to meet it like the proud noble he
was and walk into the Chamber knowing he would never walk out, and so Joren's
thoughts continued to circle round and round the rest of the winter at Nond,
and the start of spring when he returned to his home and anxiously awaited the
Own's arrival and with it Kel.
===============================================================================
 
 
Kel spent the winter in the indoor practice courts performing glaive pattern
dances with the Yamani ladies, the Queen and her mother. They also occasionally
played a game of fan toss which Thayet picked up easily as it was similar to a
K'miri game she played as a child. Kel was quickly becoming bored with the
monotony her life had fallen into during the winter months after Joren's
departure. Kel wished that the Third Company would be called out, but it seemed
the King was keeping them here until spring, sending out the First Company lead
by their captain Glasidan of Haryse. Raoul was on strict orders from the King
himself to remain in Corus until the Progress resumed, until that time the
First Company or the Queen's Riders would be sent to handle any and all trouble
that would arise. Kel felt that it was unfair and that the Third Company was
being punished because Lord Raoul worked with and favored it the most.
Kel was itching for something to do by the third week of Joren's departure and
was taking lessons from different men in the Own and from Raoul himself. Kel
thought that was the best part of being the squire to the Knight and Commander
of the King's Own; she had many different teachers to educate her for four
years instead of just one. Kel was taking instruction from Dom on swordsmanship
and hand to hand combat, she also found herself seeking him out just for
company as the weeks went on. As much as Kel loved her friends and enjoyed
being around them, there was something calming about not being surrounded by
her year mates and their constant bickering and need for attention. Kel
reasoned it didn't hurt that she had a crush on the Sergeant either.
Kel wondered if perhaps the court gossips were correct in their assumption of
her being a whore because she sure was acting like one recently. Not only was
she fickle, she was kissing a man whom she had no feelings for while seeking
another man for attention that she did have feelings for. Kel tried to push
those thoughts away because they drove her into a pit of self-loathing and
despair.
Dom and Neal had been her saving grace in Joren's absence. They made sure that
she was not left to her own devices often. Neal usually came and got her for
breakfast right after she finished her morning exercises and cleaned up for the
day. She would either have breakfast with all her friends or she and Neal would
have their meals with the Own who enjoyed teasing Dom's cousin "Meathead"
almost as much as Dom himself. Then she would spend her early afternoons either
studying in the library, Neal close at hand or she would go into the city with
a mixture of her year mates and men from the Own. After lunch she trained with
one of her many instructors or her knight master and then she would go to
dinner and after that she did whatever lesson Raoul gave her in the evening.
While she missed Joren and his unexpected but pleasant kisses she found herself
enjoying spending time with her friends in moderation. Kel still purposefully
nicked her skin late at night when the halls were silent and her animals were
fast asleep, but it wasn't like before. Her cuts were shallower because Kel
didn't want to have the deep fresh scars when she reunited with Joren, so to
make up for the fact she was only causing minor scratches instead of the
bleeding wounds she wanted she found herself doing it more often (though she
retired her belt knife from its job and instead used a pin she had in her
sewing kit given to her by Lalasa from her last birthday).
So Kel maintained a small thread of her sanity through this action and she was
never happier to receive orders to pack up and leave as she did on the morning
of March 11th. Kel was awoken by loud knocking at the door that connected her
and Lord Raoul's rooms. She threw on a dressing robe over her night shirt and
opened the door to her knight master's wide grin.
"We're moving out Kel," Raoul told her, grin still plastered to his face. "Be
in the stables within the hour." With that he firmly shut the door and went
about shuffling gleefully in his room packing up. Raoul had become just as stir
crazy as Kel, longing for the open road and the relaxed air of being on
Progress. Kel went about getting her own belongings together and packed before
rushing down to saddle Hoshi and Peachblossom as well as Lord Raoul's war
horse. While she was busy at her assigned tasks men of the Own poured into the
stables to ready their own mounts. Despite the early hour everyone was awake
and eager to leave. Dom came up behind her blue eyes dancing with amusement and
handed her a warm turnover much like he had during their first encounter.
"Still haven't learned to eat before rolling out of bed and coming down here?"
He teased. Kel smiled and gave Dom a friendly shove.
"I would have but Milord was eager to leave and I hurried to get dressed and
packed so we could head out as soon as possible." Kel answered taking a bite of
the turnover and chewing thoughtfully.
"True, I haven't seen him this giddy in a while, must be because of where we're
going." Dom laughed.
Kel looked at him confused. "We're going to Trebond right? The childhood home
of the Lioness," Kel asked tilting her head in confusion. Dom snickered and
shook his head.
"Last minute change of plans, His Majesty decided we're making the first stop
at Stone Mountain. Lord Raoul is positively gleaming at the thought of those
conservative bastards having the Royal Progress there first thing." Dom
informed her, eyes twinkling at the great joke. "Though you didn't hear this
from me but rumor has it the King decided to go there first because of
suspicions that the Lord of Stone Mountain is involved in planning a coup." Dom
whispered. Kel's eyes widened at that information. She knew from her past
experiences with Joren that there was no love lost between his family and the
progressive King, but she couldn't fathom how that was grounds for disloyalty.
"Let's move out!" Raoul's voice boomed and men everywhere quickly scrambled to
mount their horses and head off following their Knight and Commander. Kel
spared Dom a look after they parted and were leaving the palace courtyard. The
Own would ride ahead to ready the first location of the Royal Progress before
the King's arrival. It meant erecting structures for the tournaments and
helping the fief with whatever they needed before the Court visited. Kel agreed
with Dom and Raoul's assumption that this would be an interesting first stop.
Joren's father loathed everything King Jonathan believed in and Kel imagined
that he was none too thrilled to unexpectedly have the date changed on when the
Progress would arrive.
It was a smart move on King Jonathan's part to surprise the Lord of Stone
Mountain. It definitely put pressure on the Lord and made him aware that the
king was paying attention to his actions without calling him out on it. Kel
wondered what Joren thought of it. She was pleased that she soon would get to
see Joren once the Progress started, but feared that since they would be at his
home that he wouldn't act like he had this past Midwinter. Kel cursed herself
silently, if only she hadn't been so against them exchanging letters Kel
wouldn't feel this apprehensive about seeing him again and wondering if he was
still for all intents and purposes on her side.
Kel was so lost in thought she didn't realize that it appeared that she was
staring at a certain blue eyed sergeant until Lerant was next to her commenting
snidely about it. "Perhaps you should focus more on your duties as Milord's
squire than staring at the Sergeant so fixedly girl." Lerant sneered. Kel's
dreamy hazel eyes suddenly focused on the standard-bearer. She knew that by now
she has a quasi-almost friendship with Lerant and that he was often only snide
and sarcastic out of many years of habit.
"Aw don't let it get to you Lady Kel," Wolset laughed, "the Sergeant's a good
lookin' one even if he is stupid and vain." Dom turned his head having heard
Wolset's loud voice.
"I am not stupid," Dom said, falling back to ride near Lerant, Kel, and Wolset.
"But you are vain," Wolset pointed out. "He don't even deny it." Lerant rolled
his eyes at the Sergeant and Corporal's antics.
"We'll you did say I was a good looking one," Dom laughed. "So why are we
talking about my stunning good looks?"
Kel's eyes widened in panic, Wolset opened his mouth to answer but Lerant cut
him off. "Didn't you know the Corporal's in love with you. Fancies himself a
poet like your cousin you always go on about. He was just telling us one he
wrote about you." Kel breathed a sigh of relief and gave Lerant a sidelong
glance and mouthed 'thanks' to him. Lerant just shrugged away her gratitude
while Dom teased Wolset who had decided to play along and was now slurring a
rude and horribly composed poem comparing Dom to a horse's ass.
Much of the journey to Stone Mountain continued in this fashion the men
constantly teasing and pranking one another. Kel appreciated the distraction
while riding, because it kept her thoughts from dwelling on Joren and if their
arrangement still stood or if it was only something that happened during
Midwinter and since then Joren has come to his senses. She still fretted over
it at night, pacing her tent, thumbing the needle she had slipped into her
pocket. Kel couldn't take the pressure of her animal's worried eyes on her and
decided to take a walk where she would seek relief from her worried and the
emptiness that was creeping up on her.
They were about a day and a half's ride from the fief of Stone Mountain and Kel
was worried that she wouldn't be able to continue cutting because of Joren's
presence, but was equally horrified at the idea that he didn't care any longer
and that she had changed tactics unnecessarily. She was torn, so she walked as
far away as she could manage without getting lost and sucked in a breath and
listened. She couldn't hear if anyone was following her so she pulled out the
needle and made as deep of a scratch as she could manage with her flimsy tool.
It felt good to have the familiar sting on her skin, even though it was
shallow, not as painful, and bled very little. It was easier to lie about, Kel
had found. While before she could easily blame open cuts on the baby griffin,
now she did not have that luxury. Scrapes were easily explained away, running
into something, falling and catching one's self on an exposed nail or splinter,
or a surprised and confused expression while peering at a "mysterious" small
cut was enough to hide her secret.
Kel, once her task was completed, commended herself. She was getting better she
thought. She wasn't as bad as when she first started. There wasn't blood that
needed to be wiped away or a red oozing cut that needed cleaned and bandaged.
Perhaps Joren would be proud of her accomplishment, as he was sure to notice
the numerous smaller, thinner cuts on her arms if he kept to their original
arrangement. If he didn't Kel supposed she was doing well enough on her own
without him. She would manage.
 
===============================================================================
 
Joren paced anxiously in his room. Sir Paxton and he had come to Stone Mountain
two weeks prior and the King's Own was due any day now. They would arrive three
days before the King and the other Nobles to the first location of the Royal
Progress to set up the structures used for the tournaments (after the rest of
those who would join the Progress caught up they would travel to the locations
together with the Own). Joren was eager to see Kel again; he knew she would be
arriving with her Knight Master anytime now followed by one of the Own
companies. Two companies would be traveling with the King and his court to
Stone Mountain as protection along with a group of Queen's Riders and a company
of the regular army, not to mention the knights that would be in the midst of
the court.
Joren was eager to see Kel after months apart; he was also keen on resuming
their physical relationship that they had started the week of Midwinter. He
missed the feel of her against him and her warm mouth kissing him back. Joren
supposed that at some point he and Kel should discuss exactly how far and what
they were willing to do together while this lasted, because something purely
physical like this wouldn't last too long. Eventually Joren would have to marry
someone for the good of Stone Mountain and produce an heir; Kel would probably
end up falling for that idiot cousin of her equally idiot of a best friend.
That thought made Joren clench his jaw, Joren reasoned it was because for right
now at least Kel was his and he did not share.
Joren heard horses outside his window, he walked over to confirm his thoughts
the King's Own had arrived. He saw them in their blue and silver uniforms
clamoring in the court yard as they lead their mounts to the stables and pulled
off packs and unloaded wagons. Joren spotted Kel near her Knight Master,
following him as he bellowed orders, both knight and squire held the reins to
their horses, leading them to the stalls they were to use. Joren stated
intently at Kel, and she must have felt his gaze on her because she looked up
at the window he was at. Her face was unreadable while she studied him at the
window, only making out the shape of him.
"Kel!" he heard someone call and the idiot cousin of Queenscove ran up to her
grinning, white teeth flashing against a dirty and dust coated face. Joren felt
jealousy burn in him again. He fought it down, he reasoned so long as Kel did
not share her body with anyone else while they were together in this joke of a
relationship, then it didn't matter if she sought emotional fulfillment
elsewhere, but that was a fine line and the travel worn sergeant was teetering
on that line when he swung an arm around Kel's shoulders. Joren gritted his
teeth when she did nothing to remove his arm from her; she simply turned her
head and engaged him in conversation.
Joren turned from the window when they entered the stables and he could no
longer see them. He left his room and walked down the stairs. He supposed he
should greet his guests and subtly remind Kel of their arrangement.
***** Chapter 9 *****
Chapter Notes
     A/N: I'm really excited about this chapter! Also I have the rest of
     this story planned out so there might only be five or six more
     chapters after this before it's done. Hopefully I'll have this all
     completed before the end of November so I can get through the
     holidays and focus on writing my Supernatural fic Shapeshifter which
     is not coming along as well as this one is unfortunately. I hope you
     enjoy this chapter, there's some KelJoren action at the end of this
     chapter. Enjoy!
A Squire's Pain
By oxlabyrinthxo
Disclaimer – Don't own, don't sue!
Chapter Nine
A/N: I'm really excited about this chapter! Also I have the rest of this story
planned out so there might only be five or six more chapters after this before
it's done. Hopefully I'll have this all completed before the end of November so
I can get through the holidays and focus on writing my Supernatural
fic Shapeshifter which is not coming along as well as this one is
unfortunately. I hope you enjoy this chapter, there's some KelJoren action at
the end of this chapter. Enjoy!
===============================================================================
 
 
Kel saw the fief Stone Mountain looming ominously in the distance, grey clouds
hung overhead threatening to spill rain on the entire third company. Kel sighed
in defeat. She was eager and afraid of arriving at Stone Mountain, eager to see
Joren for the first time in months, and afraid to see where they stood with
each other in this quasi-relationship/therapist arrangement they had. She rode
beside Raoul silently as he called out orders for when they got there. He
explained that they would first unload their burdened horses and board them up
in the stables, and then they would unload the wagons and get started on
setting up camp in the grassy knoll outside of the fief near the stables. One
man of the Own cracked a joke about Raoul having to meet with the demon lord of
this castle; Kel felt her lips quirk up into a smile. Dom rode up beside her
with an easy smile on his handsome face.
"Do you think we should ready Milord's armor for his meeting with the Lord of
Stone Mountain?" Dom laughed.
Kel opened her mouth to answer but Raoul beat her to it. "Dom, behave," he told
the sergeant, and then raised his voice so the entire company could hear. "That
goes for all you lads, be on your best behavior. This is an important stop on
the Progress, I don't care if you don't get on with the family here," he spared
Kel a look. "You will behave yourselves; no pranks or horsing around. Anyone
who disobeys this order gets to joust against me." Raoul threatened. The men
fell silent.
Dom moved closer to her and whispered low so Raoul wouldn't hear him, "you can
still pull pranks and misbehave, you're the only one here fool enough to go up
against Milord."
Kel gave a low laugh. "Yes but you forget that I don't do those kinds of
things," she retorted equally quite. Dom just smiled and rode ahead of her; the
men resumed their conversations, thoroughly warned against their usual
behavior. Kel sighed as she was once again left alone with her thoughts. She
wished Dom had stayed behind to talk with her and make her laugh so she would
forget that anxious feeling in her chest at seeing Joren again. Raoul must have
noticed her apprehension a moment later because he was suddenly beside her.
"I know you're worried about being at Stone Mountain what with all the trouble
that boy gave you as a page," Raoul began, Kel gave him a confused look. "I
heard about it from some people," he explained. Kel nodded and he continued,
"but don't worry Kel we'll look after you and make sure nothing bad happens
okay?" Raoul assured her.
"Thank you Milord, but I doubt Joren will be trying to do anything anymore. He
is a squire now and probably too busy for that." Kel said, brushing off his
concerns because the only thing Joren really wanted to do to her these days was
kiss her senseless.
"Still watch yourself okay? These people are going to be watching you." Raoul
warned.
Kel tilted her head and smiled at her knight master despite the twinge of pain
she felt settle in her chest. "People have been watching me for years and
hoping that I fail, I'll be fine Milord." Kel insisted.
Raoul gave a deep sigh, "enough of this 'milord' business it's just Raoul." He
mumbled. Kel chuckled knowing that the conversation was over. She appreciated
Raoul's fretting over her but she also felt distressed by it. She was supposed
to be able to handle this; she didn't need Raoul or the men of the Own
babysitting her because they were afraid she could manage a few conservatives
that didn't like her. She felt the need to cut herself arise again and she
swallowed trying to push the feeling away. She was surrounded by the Third
Company and there was no way she could escape for a few moments to partake in
her habit. Kel resolved to wait until they had stopped at Stone Mountain, no
doubt that she could steal away for a bit during the hustle and bustle of
everyone unloading and starting to erect the structures for the tournament.
Kel stared at the home of Joren as it became closer and closer and she resisted
shuddering when they passed through the small village. The people quickly
lowered their heads, refusing to meet the eyes of the procession before them,
others ducked into doorways to avoid them. Kel had never seen so many people
afraid of nobles or the members of the King's Own whose sole purpose was to
protect the people of Tortall. All too soon they were walking through the gates
that lead to the courtyard where the Lord and Lady of Stone Mountain stood tall
and proud awaiting their arrival. Lord Raoul head towards them and Kel
followed. She had this feeling like someone was watching her and she quickly
glanced up and saw Joren's form standing at a window above her intently staring
at her. She kept her face impassive, still unsure of where they stood with one
another. The staring contest was broken by Dom who called her name happily.
"Kel!" he said coming up beside her and throwing an arm around her shoulders.
She turned to look at his smiling face. "Come on ahead into the stables and
leave the greeting to Lord Raoul." He said gently leading her towards the
stables, Peachblossom and Hoshi trailing behind them.
"Good idea," Kel agreed.
"So back to this 'you're allowed to misbehave' business I have an idea-"
Kel cut him off. "Dom there is no way you're going to get me involved in one of
your schemes." Kel said shrugging off his arm and pulling Peachblossom and
Hoshi into stalls next to each other. Dom put his horse on the other side of
Hoshi and talked to her and the other men as they unsaddled their horses. Kel
laughed often as the men exchanged insults and rude gestures while teasing one
another. She even helped the men tease Dom with a story Neal had shared with
her from when he and Dom where children and had somehow managed to set their
aunts curtains on fire and track mud all up the wall in a matter of minutes of
being left alone.
"The look on her face," Dom piped in when she finished her story. Wolset was
wiping away a tear from laughing so hard. Kel turned back to Peachblossom and
hid a smile while she continued to brush him. Lerant after taking care of his
horse had brought Lord Raoul's stallion into the stables to take care of. Kel
and the men of the Own continued to chat while they took care of their horses
when Joren entered the stables. Kel was only aware of his arrival by the flash
of blond she saw from the corner of her eye and the silence that swept through
the stables. Dom moved to stand next to Kel and crossed his arms, frowning at
Joren. Kel saw something flash in Joren's eyes as he strode up to her and Dom.
"It's good to see you again Keladry," Joren greeted, using her full name to
avoid familiarity. Lerant looked up sharply at the heir of Stone Mountain,
clenching Raoul's horse's tact in his hands. Wolset was looking from Kel to Dom
to Joren trying to decide if he should interfere and remind Dom they were to be
on their best behavior.
"Hello Joren," Kel greeted her eyes searching his face trying to understand why
he was there and what it meant.
"Yes, Hello Joren," Dom parroted.
"I don't believe we've met," Joren said to Dom, extending a hand. "I'm Squire
Joren of Stone Mountain."
"Sergeant Domitian of Masbolle, Third Company of the King's Own," Dom took
Joren's hand out of politeness and shook it firmly, too firmly. Joren returned
the hard squeeze his own ice blue orbs glaring all the while.
"Pleasure to meet you," Joren remarked flippantly and turned his attention back
to Kel. "Like I said it's good to see you again Keladry." Joren sent her a
severe look and turned and left the stables, leaving Kel confused and hopeful.
Joren left the stables trying to quench the jealous rage that was building up
inside him. He didn't like that way that Dom moved next to Kel upon his
entrance as if he was marking his territory. Joren could easily see that Dom
fancied Kel and longed for more than her friendship, but Joren could also see
the fresh marks on Kel's arms that were not as deep and that worried him. Joren
sighed he was torn between his need to keep Kel at arm's length and his
physical desire for her. Meanwhile Kel was in the stable listening to the men
of the Own discuss Joren's appearance.
"The lad ain't right, comin' down here to make subtle threats at Lady Kel,"
Wolset growled out. "As if we'd let the likes of 'em harm her."
"I think Kel is quite capable of taking care of that fool herself." Dom
commented causing Wolset and several others to look sharply over to their
commanding officer. "From what my cousin told me Kel," he nodded to her and she
hid a blush in Hoshi's neck, "took care of herself when he bullied her and
several other pages. Though I lament Lord Raoul's orders to behave ourselves, I
would love to put something squishy from the pond into his bed."
Wolset laughed. "We could always do somethin' later on in the Progress." Dom's
face brightened at the suggestion.
"We could-" Dom began but Lerant interrupted him.
"I think it should be up to Kel if we do anything." Lerant pointed out. Kel
suddenly felt several eyes on her.
She cleared her throat and spoke, "I think we should leave well enough alone.
It would be the responsible thing to do."
"Responsible yes, fun no," she heard a man mutter.
Dom laughed, "as you wish milady." He gave her a mock bow and strode out of the
stables whistling. Wolset shook his head sadly mourning his friend's crush on
Kel that made him blindly agree with her. Raoul's orders be damned he wasn't
going to stand by and let this Joren fellow think her could mess with Kel. The
men of the Own had accepted her and adopted her as their little sister and he
and the other men would make sure that no one hurt her. Oh he knew just as well
as every other man here that Kel could take care of herself no doubt, but
Wolset still felt protective of the fifteen year old squire and there would be
hell to pay for anyone who tried to harm her. Even Dom would face the wrath of
the men of the Own if he were to do something to Kel, because joining the Own
meant becoming family with those you traveled with.
===============================================================================
 
 
Kel left the stables shortly after Dom did; choosing to leave after the men
fell silent and kept exchanging secret looks to one another. They were planning
something and Kel refused to be a part of it. She walked along the building
running her hand along smooth wood and rough stone lost in thought. What was
Joren's motive for greeting her in the stable, there had to be one, Joren
always had some sort of motive when he did anything and usually they were
selfish reasons. She found herself in the field where men were setting up their
tents. Kel sighed and resigned herself to set her own up, readjusting her pack
on her back she made her way to where she and her knight master would pitch
their tents. First she set up Raoul's because it was her duty as his squire and
then went to work on her own. By the time she was finished the sun had begun to
set and Kel decided that since Raoul had not made an appearance since their
arrival that she would see how her horses were doing after seeing the sparrows
inside her tent nesting on the ground for the night. Jump followed her happily
back to the stables.
She entered to find the place empty of people and that suited her just fine.
Walking over to where Peachblossom and Hoshi were she offered them apples and
affection when she heard someone come up behind her. Kel quickly spun on her
heels to come face to face with Joren. Her hazel eyes went wide and took in his
appearance. He was well dressed in a tunic of Stone Mountain colors: gray and
black, over a white shirt and black breeches.
Joren sighed at her worried and apprehensive look and pulled her into an
embrace. "It is really good to see you," he said into her hair. Kel relaxed.
Everything was okay.
"It's nice seeing you too," Kel told him. Joren nodded and pulled away and went
to inspect her arms, her shirt already rolled up to expose them from earlier he
could now see her new scars up close.
"What's this from?" Joren asked pointing to several fresh, thin cuts.
"Needle from my sewing kit. People ask fewer questions than with the one's from
the knife. It's an improvement." Kel told him while Jump watched him. Jump had
become accustomed to his mistress' newfound friendship with her one time enemy,
but that didn't mean the dog wouldn't watch him closely for any signs that he
would betray her.
"That's not an improvement Kel," Joren said running a gentle finger along the
new scars and then pulling her arm up to his lips to kiss them. "It's just
different."
"But I'm not using a knife anymore I thought you'd be-" Kel stopped searching
for the right word. Not proud but, "relieved." She finished.
"You're still cutting," he pointed out. Kel pulled her arm out of his grip
angrily.
"But I'm not using a knife." Kel insisted childishly, crossing her arms.
Joren sighed and pulled her into his arms again. He kissed her gently. "I know,
but you're still hurting yourself. It doesn't matter how or with what all I
care is that it's still happening." Kel looked away from him ashamed.
"I'm sorry," she said in a small voice.
Joren gently put his hand under her chin and made her look at him. "It's okay.
I expect this will take a long time for you to deal with and recover from."
That reminded Joren of his earlier musings. "Kel I need to talk to you." Kel
braced herself for the inevitable bad news that always follows those words.
"Kel I'll be there for you as long as you need but I need to know what and how
far you're willing to take our other arrangement."
Kel blinked. That was most definitely not what she was expecting. "I – what do
you mean?" Kel asked.
"I mean this," Joren swiftly kissed her with passion and his hands roamed her
form. She faintly heard Jump let out a small growl towards Joren's actions but
her senses were flooded with Joren, his scent, the feel of him beneath her own
roaming hands, the sound of his clothing rustling from his movements and the
low moan that formed in the back of his throat, the taste of his lips against
her own and his tongue exploring her mouth and dueling with her own. Joren
abruptly pulled away his ice blue eyes searching her passion fogged hazel ones.
"How far are we taking this?" he gestured between them.
"I don't know," she admitted. "It's not like either of us planned for this to
happen." Kel began.
"No that's definitely true."
"But I'm not opposed to just letting things take their natural course and see
where it goes."
"Meaning?" Joren prompted.
"Meaning that we both unquestionably share a physical attraction to one another
and I'm okay with that leading to whatever it leads to." Kel explained.
Joren nodded in understanding and kissed her again. They jumped apart when they
heard someone call Kel's name nearby. "It seems they've sent a rescue party for
you to make sure you're not at the mercy of one of the horrible people who live
here," Joren remarked shakily, running a hand through his disheveled blond
hair.
"You're not horrible." Kel told him. When Joren looked at her in disbelief she
reaffirmed her statement with a firm "you're not." Joren shook his head.
"Kel!" The voice was louder this time and they both recognized it as Dom's.
Joren's eyes met Kel's, "later," he told her and slipped silently out the back
door of the stables.
She sighed, "I'm in here!" She called out to Dom while quickly straightening
herself up. She was smoothing down her hair when Dom ran happily into the
stables.
"We've been looking for you everywhere Lady Squire. Dinner is ready." Dom
grinned at her. Kel nodded and followed Dom out to where the Own was camped
talking with him the entire way, unaware that Joren had returned to watch them.
Yes he would definitely have to keep an eye on Dom while they were on Progress.
===============================================================================
 
 
Later that night Kel sat alone in her tent, the sounds of the men sleeping
filled her ears but she could not fall asleep. She stared blankly at the tent
ceiling and tried to empty her mind so that she could sleep but nothing worked.
Her thoughts were filled with the conflicting emotions she felt. She was
attracted to Joren without a doubt. She enjoyed kissing him and didn't mind the
thought of doing more with him, but she couldn't ignore the way her heart
fluttered when Dom flirted with her or the blush that would rise to her cheeks
when he teased her. It was confusing. How could she be attracted to both men?
She was fickle she supposed, and she had always known that Joren was attractive
and Dom was as well, but it wasn't right that she had feelings for Dom and
messed around with Joren. Kel turned and buried her head under her blankets.
Kel felt the emptiness in her chest make itself known painfully and Kel pushed
back frustrated tears. She was in for a long night of self-loathing and little
sleep.
Kel was brought from her unhappy realization by the sound of someone entering
her tent. She poked her head out from under her blankets and saw Joren silently
walking into her tent and tying up the tent flap behind him.
"I was hoping you were still awake." Joren admitted coming further into the
tent and sitting at her side on her bedroll.
"What are you doing here?" Kel asked.
"I told you we would continue this later." Joren told her before slipped into
her bedroll and pulled her into a feverish kiss.
Kel returned the passionate lip lock eagerly and enjoyed Joren's hands on her
and her own exploring Joren. She felt Joren's hands pull up her shirt to touch
the skin beneath as his hands roamed upwards she felt him stop when he came in
contact with her anti-pregnancy charm. Joren broke their kiss and went to
inspect the charm on her neck.
"I guess you weren't kidding when you said you were willing to take this as far
as it leads to." Joren said in a low tone.
Kel shrugged. "My mother pulled me aside that morning before you found me in
the chapel outside the Chamber of Ordeal and gave it to me." Kel told him. "She
said that I was free to make my own decisions about my body and wanted me to be
safe."
Joren didn't speak at first, just simply rolled the charm around between his
thumb and forefinger thinking. "I knew your parents were progressive but that's
not something I expected."
"What do you mean?" Kel demanded pushing herself up on her elbows ready to
defend her mother's actions.
"Nothing, I'm grateful she had the foresight to sit down and talk to you. No
doubt living among boys all this time has made it difficult for you to ask
about stuff like this." Joren told her trying to soothe her temper. Kel laid
back as Joren's urging and he rested a head on her chest, listening to her
heart beat. Kel absent mindedly stroked his hair while she thought about the
embarrassing encounter with her mother and Joren's reaction to it.
"What are you thinking?" Kel asked, breaking the silence that had fallen.
"I'm thinking about asking you if you want to try out your new charm." Joren
admitted, moving to look at her.
"I don't think I'm ready for that just yet," Kel whispered, her checks flushing
red.
"There are other things we can do." Joren stated.
"Like what?" Kel asked.
"Like this," Joren leaned down to press his lips passionately against hers; she
felt his erection against her thigh, hard and demanding. Kel gasped at the
feeling and Joren's tongue invaded her mouth exploring every inch of her. Kel
was wrapped in the sensations that were a mix of familiar and new. She felt
Joren's hands tug at her shirt quickly pulling it up and over her head and arms
that cooperated out of a primal instinct. It was when she felt the cool air hit
her exposed breasts when her face turned red and she moved her arms to cover
herself.
She heard Joren sigh above her and chucked. "Am I taking this too far?" He
panted. Kel deliberated silently to herself before shaking her head. She knew
from the talk of her fellow squires and the men of the Own that there were
other things a man and a woman could enjoy together without having sex and she
was curious to learn what it was. "Then do you mind uncovering your breasts?"
Joren asked. Kel took a deep breath and did as she was asked. Joren's hands
went immediately to the sensitive flesh and grabbed them. He rolled her nipples
between his fingers and enjoyed the gasp she made. Kel shifted her hips and
squeezed her thighs together trying to alleviate the tension she felt there.
Joren kissed her and continued to knead her breasts before his mouth traveled
along her neck, gently biting it and leaving bruises. He continued this down
her collarbone and to her chest. When his lips engulfed one of her nipples she
arched her back letting out a moan. Kel quickly covered her mouth with her
hands and blushed. Joren paid no mind to her and continued his ministrations.
His left hand went to attend to her other neglected mound while his right hand
traveled to the waistband of her breeches. The hand dipped into them and rubbed
against her womanhood through her loincloth. Kel gasped again at the alien but
pleasurable feel. Joren continued to tease her before finally slipping his hand
into her loincloth and into her wet folds.
Kel bit her lip trying to contain the mewl of pleasure that bubbled up her
throat. Joren's long fingers stocked her entrance, fingers teasingly slipping
in a centimeter before retreating, his mouth still on her breast the entire
time while his fingers searched for the little button of nerves about her
entrance. When he found it Kel hissed in a mixture of pain and overwhelming
pleasure that she felt in her very bones that caused her body to shake.
"Too sensitive?" Joren asked when he stopped suckling at her nipple. Kel
nodded. Joren gave her a reassuring smile before resuming his previous work,
this time her made sure to rub near her clit and not directly on it. Kel bucked
her hips into Joren's hand that worked her. Kel felt tense and confused by the
sensations. She had known that being with a man was pleasurable but she hadn't
known it would feel like this! Joren continued to drawn forth gasps and bitten
off moans, he repositioned his hand so that he could work a finger into her wet
welcoming body and his thumb continued to brush near her oversensitive bud.
Kel tensed at the intrusion and Joren groaned at how tight she was. Joren had
been with women before but Kel was so very tight around his finger that gently
prodded into her while Joren finally released her nipple from his mouth and
moved to bury his face into her neck whispering for her to relax. She did and
Joren proceeded to pump his finger into her tightness, working in another
finger slowly. By the third finger Kel was grinding her hips into his hand,
reaching for something completely unfamiliar to her but trusting Joren to lead
her there. Her ears could detects the squelching sound Joren's fingers made as
he thrust them into her and the feeling of her wetness dripping out past his
fingers and more and more of it being produced by her aroused body. And then it
happened. Her body started to convulse and the pleasure completely wrapped
itself around her, Joren continued to pump his fingers into her and run his
thumb now directly over her clit as she rode wave after wave of her very first
orgasm. He continued to do this until her hand grabbed his wrist, her body too
sensitive to his touch. Joren pulled his hand from her pants while Kel lay on
her bedroll panting.
She looked over to see Joren licking at his fingers sticky with her juices and
she groaned. Joren chucked. "How do you feel?"
"Amazing," she said, awe evident in her voice. Joren smirked. Kel could still
feel the bulging erection against her leg and she looked at him very seriously
before asking "how do I make you feel like that?"
Joren looked at her for a moment before insisting that it wasn't necessary.
"Kel you don't have to. I can take care of it myself."
"Joren we're not in a relationship," Kel pointed out. "This whole thing between
us is about both our physical gratification." Joren's eyes bore into her before
he sighed, conceding to her logic and his own burning need. Joren took hold of
her hand spit into it and pushed it into his pants where it brushed against his
erection. Her formed her hand around it and told her to grip it. Kel did and
Joren tensed.
"Not that tightly, a tad looser." He gasped out. She followed his instructions
and when she had a hold of it the way he liked she looked at him for further
instruction. Her heart was still pounding in her chest from her orgasm and
partly from the thrill and the forbidden feeling their affair had. "Now start
moving your hand up and down." Kel complied and Joren threw his head back and
stifled a moan. "Like that, twist a little bit when you get to the head." He
ordered.
Kel stilled her hand and looked at him confused. "The what?" she inquired.
"The head, the end of it, gods! Please don't stop," he sputtered out. She
resumed her movements and Joren let out a deep sound in his chest. Kel received
no more instruction from Joren so she continued for a few moments like he had
told her before she fell into a rhythm, albeit an awkward one before she
started to experiment with different things. On one down stroke she held him in
her hand as tightly as she dared to without hurting him on an up stroke she
spread her fingers out and wiggled them. Each time she did something like this
Joren would gasp suddenly and then let out a long drawn out groan of pleasure.
Kel began to enjoy the heady powerful feeling she got from her actions. She
could do this to him. Kel quickened her pace and then just as quickly slowed
down. She continued this random, inexperience pattern until he stiffened and
let out a moan and she felt something hot spurt out of his manhood. Startled
she let go only to have Joren quickly put his hand around hers again and pump
him until her was satisfied. When he released her hand she removed it from his
breeches and inspected the whitish body fluids on her hand. Remembering how
Joren had licked his own hands when he'd removed them from her she gave a
tentative lick to the substance on her hand. It was bitter.
"You don't have to do that," Joren panted, pushing her hand away from her
mouth.
"But you did it," Kel pointed out.
"Yes but you taste good down there," Kel blushed at his admission. "I hope one
day can put my mouth there and pleasure you." His words made her feel oddly
warm and scandalized.
"That's disgusting." Kel told him. "Why would anyone put their mouth down
there?"
"Because it feels good," Joren answered sleepily. His body was well relaxed
after his release.
"Well it's still weird." Kel said firmly.
"We can ease into that then if you like. I think I'm quite content to use my
fingers on you." Joren said.
"I don't think I want to ease into that." Kel admitted. "It seems so…" she was
at a loss for words.
"That's okay we don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. But you
might change your mind after you get bored of me just using my hands to get you
off." Joren told her seriously. "I'd better go." Joren added. He stood up from
her bedroll and looked down longingly at her breasts before wincing and looking
down at his crotch. "Well this is going to be an uncomfortable walk back to my
room." He sighed. "Until next time Kel." With that he was gone, sneaking
silently and effortlessly out of her tent. Kel shivered at the cool air it let
in when he did so and then searched for her shirt. She pulled it back on before
looking around her tent. She was still awake and if she was honest with herself
she could feel the stirring in her loins again since she had jacked off Joren.
She lay back down into her bedroll remembering what Joren had done and slipped
her fingers into her own breeches, repeating the ministrations Joren had done.
She had heard that men could pleasure themselves, so Kel logically assumed
women could as well. She had assumed right. It didn't feel quite like Joren's
rough and calloused hands but it still felt wonderful. Building up that same
pressure and feeling in her stomach as before. Kel panted rhythmically with her
hand and she felt her skin dampen with sweat. Before she knew it she was coming
again, jerking her hips against her own hand. When she was satisfied she pulled
her hand free and wiped her wet fingers on her breeches. Content she fell
asleep.
***** Chapter Ten *****
Chapter Notes
     A/N: Sorry for the long wait! It's been a bit crazy here because my
     uncle just passed away and what with the holiday weekend. Also my car
     broke down and it was $700to fix because the timing belt broke and my
     spark plugs were bad. Excuse my excessive and gross sobbing while
     vowing to never forgo easy and scheduled car maintenance again.
     Anyways welcome back for another exciting addition (is it edition?
     This is confusing…) to A Squire's Pain. I hope everyone has been
     enjoying themselves. Per a reviewers request I'm adding something
     about Lalasa's kidnapping and Kel and Joren angst thank you moleking
     for bringing it to my attention! I've been watching a lot of BBC
     stuff like Sherlock and Doctor Who (SIDE NOTE: WHO SAW THE DAY OF THE
     DOCTOR!? I thought it was brilliant) so I find myself using some
     British terms. Sorry if this annoys you. I just think they kind of
     fit with this story and the voices of the characters. Also I keep
     snickering to myself about Kel's carpentry skills. I think she needs
     to take lessons from Thor to learn how to use a hammer and not hurt
     herself. Sorry for the wait and as always I hope you enjoy!
When Kel woke up she felt happier than she had in a long time. She couldn't
remember the last time she felt so light, like she could manage her pain and
she could deal with her problems. She felt wonderful that day. She thought
about the previous night's events and blushed. In fact Kel couldn't keep the
blush that frequently rose to her cheeks off her face the entire day. Joren and
her had crossed a line in their relationship that was clearly labeled "there is
no going back". No matter how much back peddling they did it would not erase
the events of last night, and Kel wasn't sure she wanted to forget anyways. She
felt slightly guilty for allowing a man whom she was not in love with to do
those things to her, with her, but at the same time she was giddy about it. Kel
was grateful for their lack of emotional attachment. It allowed her to think
about things unbiased. Kel knew she and Joren would continue on with whatever
it was between them, but it was forever changed.
Kel shook her head and refocused on her task. She was helping Dom's squad set
up the stands that they would use for the tournaments in a few days when the
King and his court arrived at Stone Mountain. It was fun working with Dom's
squad they were all quick to laugh and crack a joke at another's expense. It
made working fun, even though majority of the jokes made were at her inability
to work a simple hammer.
"How is it you can wield that pig-sticker of yours," Qasim asked "but not a
simple hammer?" Kel made a rude gesture towards the Bazhir who grabbed his
chest in mock hurt. "Your sentiment pains me Lady Squire!" Kel rolled her eyes.
It was hard to take these men seriously.
"What I would like to know is how this simple hammer can do more damage to you
that all your enemies combined?" Dom said pulling her hands gently into his to
inspect them. "You're hopeless," he declared pursing his lips when he saw all
the damage.
Kel quickly pulled her hands from him. "I just need practice is all." Kel said
more to assure herself than them.
"Sure, sure," Dom waved off her conviction to master the hammer, "meanwhile we
should all make sure the git that lives here doesn't find out your weakness."
"Who Joren?" Kel asked.
"Yes he was the one who kidnapped your maid right?" Dom asked. Kel's heart
leapt into her throat. She had somehow forgotten that fact in the chaos of
Joren finding out her secret, her waves of unstable emotions, and their
attraction to each other. Kel felt physically ill. How could she forget how
cruel he had been? All the terrible things he did to her and those around her
simply because he didn't like her? "You okay Kel?" Dom asked her, concern
lighting his blue sapphire eyes.
"I'm just not feeling all that well all of a sudden." Kel admitted, her good
mood plummeting into the sick and twisted feelings in her gut.
"Maybe you should go lie down," Wolset suggested, over hearing them. Kel opened
her mouth to protest when Dom took her by the shoulders and started leading her
away.
"Come along Mindelan, off to bed you go." Dom told her cheerfully. He led her
to her tent and told her to rest up and that his squad could more than handle
things. Kel made him promise to inform Lord Raoul of her whereabouts before
resigning herself to lie down in her tent for a while.
When she entered her tent the sick feeling intensified. Joren had lain with her
on that very bedroll and they had been intimate with one another. Kel wanted to
vomit. She was still attracted to Joren, how could she not? But she was angry,
angry with him for kidnapping Lalasa, angry that he had gotten away with it
with no more than a slap on the wrist fine. Kel had promised her maid she would
protect her and look out for her and here she was in bed with the enemy. Quite
literally. Kel fumed as she balled up her bedroll and threw it to the other
side of her tent. She stomped angrily to a corner and sat down with a huff.
She sat there like that for a good long while before her tent flap opened and
Joren popped his head in. Seeing her he quickly entered before anyone saw him.
"Hey Kel I was looking for you. I didn't see you with the Own or Lord Raoul,
what are you doing here?" He asked her, worry evident in his voice.
Kel ignored his question and instead hissed out a firm "Get out." Joren's eye
brows rose and disappeared under his pale blond hair. As long as he had known
Kel she had never taken that tone with him, well recently anyways.
"What's wrong Kel?" he tried again. He moved to pat a comforting hand on her
shoulder but she jerked away from his touch.
"You want to know what's wrong?" She asked her voice full of venom. "I was just
reminded that you kidnapped Lalasa so I would fail my Page Examinations!" Kel
turned to look at him her hazel eyes full of accusations. Joren sucked in a
breath. He knew they would have to address this sooner or later and frankly he
was hoping for later and not when she was so visibly hostile.
"Look Kel," Joren began.
"I don't want to hear your excuses!" Kel raised her voice and Joren started to
worry about someone hearing them. Joren grabbed her arm and pulled her up so
they were face to face. "What are you doing? Joren-" he covered her mouth with
a rough hand and muffled her next words.
"Will you listen for a second?" She vehemently shook her head. "Fine I'll talk
anyways, it's up to you to listen. I did not kidnap Lalasa." Joren felt her
protest, her hot breath on his palm, her words did not reach is ears but he
could venture a guess as to what she had said. "Vinson was the one who did it;
I took the fall for him." Kel's eyes were focused on him; she didn't believe
what he had told her. Joren took his hand from his mouth and started speaking
before she could. "Vinson came up with the plan after you interrupted him
trying to rape her. He waited to make sure you would have to repeat all four
years and not just one year. You can choose to believe me or not, but that's
the truth."
Kel remained silent for a moment; Joren huffed and turned to leave when he
heard her ask in a small voice "why would you take the blame if it was Vinson?"
"I didn't do it out of any loyalty to Vinson if that's what you're thinking. I
did it because I needed blacken my name just enough to make sure my father
couldn't use me as a pawn for certain plans of his." Joren responded.
"You mean the coup your father is involved in?" Kel asked.
Joren inhaled sharply and turned to look at her. "You know?"
"The entire Own knows. Dom," Joren growled low in his throat. Kel ignored him
and continued speaking "Dom told me that we came here first instead of Trebond
because the King's Spymaster was suspicious of your father being involved in
something like that." Joren looked at her and sighed, his shoulders sagging
under the weight he felt on them.
"My father is under the impression that the Conté line has been ruling long
enough and that they have loss the favor of the gods. He says that the true
noble families should rise up and take the thrown so we have a true king who
won't intermarry with savages and allow women to take up arms." Joren said, his
voice mimicking how his father spoke.
"What do you think?" Kel wanted to know.
"I think that overthrowing the King is a foolish endeavor that will bring shame
upon my family." Kel saw that blind pride Joren had in his home and in his
name. "I don't want him to ruin our name like the Eldorne's after that whore
sided with the king's cousin to overthrow the king. I can't make him see that
this has been tried before and failed, that the most powerful sorcerer at the
time couldn't do it. This king's friends are loyal and blessed by the gods. The
king has the Dominion Jewel for Mithros sake!" Joren found he could stop the
words pouring from his mouth as he confessed his worry for his father's
foolhardy plans.
Kel moved to stand by Joren and pulled him into an embrace, comforting him.
"You really weren't responsible for Lalasa's kidnapping?" She asked him again.
She felt Joren smile into her hair.
"I really wasn't," he confirmed. Joren pulled away from her and met her gaze
seriously. "How are you doing?" Joren asked changing the subject. He had been
worried all day that what had happened last night might have damaged her mind
and sense of self-worth further.
"I was feeling fantastic earlier until Dom," again Joren growled "reminded me
that you kidnapped Lalasa." Joren mentally cursed the Sergeant.
"And why, pray tell, was the Sergeant reminding you of this fact?" Joren
demanded.
"Well…" Kel began and bit her lip trying to decide if she should let Joren know
about the embarrassing difficulty she found in using a hammer.
"Well?" Joren echoed, prompting her impatiently.
"We were building the stands for the tournaments and I may have hit my fingers
with the hammer a few times and they were all teasing me about it." Kel sighed
in defeat. She might as well tell him, he knew every other intimate detail of
her life. "And Dom said that we'd best keep it secret from you because
apparently hammers are my one weakness," Joren moved like lightning to grab her
hands and examined them.
"Keladry," he breathed out her full name in astonished horror. "How could you
manage to injure your hands this much?"
"I just need more practice with it and then it won't be as bad." Kel said
quickly. She would not allow a simple tool used for the assembling of
structures to defeat her!
"I think you should stay very far away from hammers in the future." Joren
suggested and then directed their conversation back to the topic at hand. "So
how does this all relate to the kidnapping of Lalasa?"
"Well Dom said to not to let those who live here know about my 'inability to
wield a hammer'" Joren smiled at this and laughed softly to himself. Kel made a
face at him and continued. "And when I asked if he meant you, Dom said 'yes he
kidnapped your maid right?'" Kel finished tactlessly, her quick abridged tale
lacking in finesse and flourish.
"You know I really hate that guy," Joren confessed.
Kel looked at him confused. "Why? Did you want to avoid talking to me about
this? Lalasa was my maid I deserve to know who was really behind her
kidnapping. It makes me so mad that Vinson just got away with it and let you
take the fall for his deplorable actions!" Kel fumed.
"I knew I'd have to fess up about it sooner or later," Joren admitted. "Don't
worry; Vinson and his father are as thick as thieves with my father in their
plans. They'll trip up sooner or later." Joren looked around and sighed. He
seemed to be doing that a lot recently. "Well now that that's all cleared up
and you're alright I'd best be on my way before someone finds me here with
you." Joren gave her a quick kiss on the lips before sticking his head
cautiously out the tent and then hurriedly exited the tent and bolted off into
the distance.
Kel smiled to herself and began righting her bedroll that she had thrown
earlier. She felt better knowing that Joren wasn't really the one who kidnapped
Lalasa, but she wasn't lying when she said she was enraged that Vinson had
gotten away with it, leaving Joren to take the fall so he could avoid being a
pawn in his father's schemes. Kel wanted Vinson to pay for what he had done to
Lalasa, what he did to women as a whole. Vinson was the type of monster (she
refused to call that vile thing a human being let alone a man) that had no
regard for women and saw them as tools only which to satisfy his needs. Kel
prayed to the gods that they could show Vinson the error of his ways and he
could turn his life around. Kel could never wish harm upon someone, even if
that someone was as vile and disgusting as Vinson but she did feel that he
needed to suffer some form of punishment for his crimes as well.
Kel exhaled wearily. She would watch Vinson from now on and hopefully prevent
him from hurting someone else, but for now Kel needed to find her knight master
and get back to work. They only had today and tomorrow to finish their tasks
before the King and the rest of the Progress joined the Own at Stone Mountain
and there was a lot to be done. Kel left her tent and cautiously looked around.
There wasn't anyone nearby; she was worried about someone having seen Joren
leave the same tent as she had only moments before. That would certainly give
the tongues at court a workout, but there was enough gossip about her now as it
was. The Conservatives had her in bed with every man she met already. Kel
sighed and rejoined Dom's squad in their work.
===============================================================================
 
 
Joren felt shaken after his encounter with Kel earlier that afternoon. He
hadn't realized how angry she was about Lalasa's kidnapping. He had known when
he took the blame for it that she would hate him and it would ruin his lukewarm
attempts at friendship. Joren sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He
supposed he should come clean about that too. Joren had wanted to become her
friend the first year he became a squire as he was slowly learning about his
father's plans. Joren had wanted to become friends with her if only to avoid
losing favor with the crown when his father inevitably made a mistake and got
caught. Joren thought he could use the girl to his advantage since she was
friends with the Crown Prince and several other important families in Tortall.
But Kel and her friends had been suspicious of him and he couldn't fault them
for that. He did have ulterior motives in befriending her at the time that
would benefit him and him alone. But when Vinson had kidnapped her maid Joren
saw it as an opportunity to stop his father from trying to using him to further
his plans, by admitting he was guilty Joren secured a place where he could stay
informed about the rebellion his father planned on leading against the Crown
and not have to be involved in it. It was the ideal situation for Joren but it
cost him Kel's friendship, or so her thought. Now Joren had Kel's friendship
and trust but he would not use her as a pawn in his game against his father and
his cohorts.
Joren was also surprised how quickly word had spread about his father's
involvement with the radical faction that was against their current sovereign
in the Conservative noble families and the commoners alike. He hadn't
anticipated that at all. Joren would have to be very careful from here on out.
He like his family was under severe scrutiny and Joren needed to secure a place
for himself so that when the extent of the treason Burchard was involved in
came to light he would not follow him to Traitor's Hill. Joren owed that much
at least to his fief and the commoners that were in Stone Mountain's care.
"Joren?" a voice called pulling him from his thoughts. Joren turned to see his
mother entering his room. "Your father would like to speak with you." She told
him.
"Thank you Mother." Joren said rising to his feet to kiss her cheek. Joren's
mother was a thin willowy woman. Her blond hair was going white though you
could not tell most of the time and she was a loyal to a fault, especially when
it came to Burchard. People always said that Adelaide of Stone Mountain was a
beautiful woman and a dutiful wife and mother.
"Joren," Adelaide stopped him before he could leave. Joren looked at her
waiting for her to speak her mind. "You're a good son." She told him before
leaving. Joren sighed and left his room to find his father.
When he made it to his father's study door he knocked and waited for his father
to shout for him to enter. When Joren opened the door he spoke "you summoned me
Father?"
"Yes Joren come in and sit down. Shut the door." Burchard ordered. Joren
obeyed, observing that there were others in the room Vinson's father Ciaran of
Genlith most notably among the lords of the Houses of Blue Harbor, Anak's
Eyrie, Tirragen, and White Horn.
"Milords," Joren greeted before taking a seat beside Lord Adwr of Anak's Eyrie.
"It has come to my attention that certain someone's are aware of our plans for
a revolution" Burchard began. "We need to be more careful in our plans and-"
"Perhaps we should not listen to what you have to say Burchard,
only your family is under the Crown's scrutiny." Ciaran said standing up to
address the other Lords. "Now is not the time to play it safe and hide it is
the time to strike and move forward! We have the man power why not take the
crown now?"
"Ciaran do not be hasty. The Conté line will fall and we will install a new
monarchy. One that will not commit such blasphemies as letting women believe
they are equal to men or that commoners have rights." Burchard snapped. "In all
due time we will carry out our plans but we do not want to raise any more
suspicion."
"Why not continue while they are focused on you?" Lord Daragh of Blue Harbor
asked. "It is the perfect cover. The eyes of the kingdom are on you; we could
carry out the rest and take this kingdom right out from under the Conté's."
"And who would we install as King?" Arthur of Tirragen asked. "You Daragh?"
"And why not me? I come from the original line of nobles same as you Arthur."
Daragh barked. "Do you think you should be king?" Joren had to hide his
amusement behind a bored expression. The Lords constantly bickered about who
deserved to be the next King. Joren knew they would never succeed like this.
"We have already discussed this. Brathach of White Horn is to be out King,"
Burchard said nodding to the other Lord present. "He is kinsmen to the current
line from many generations back and would allow a peaceful transition into his
reign."
"And that makes him more worthy than another?" Ciaran demanded. "I do not
believe we need someone who is as weak willed as King Jonathan to take the
thrown."
"Are you questioning my honor Ciaran?" Brathach asked, amused.
"Milords," Joren spoke up, he needed to stop this madness or he would be stuck
there all day listening to this idiocy. "I believe in light of current events
we should not be fighting amongst ourselves. Remember who our enemy is." Your
enemy Joren mentally corrected. He did not like or approve of the King or the
Progressive movement the kingdom was taking but Joren did not violently respond
to it like these men did. Joren would just sigh and resign himself to live in
the ever changing world and bitterly wish for things to be as they once were.
He would not waste his energy fighting the oncoming tide of change like the men
present.
"Joren is right," Adwr said. "How can we expect to organize this if we
ourselves are not organized?" There were several more flourishing speeches
about how they were fulfilling their duty and their unfailing loyalty to their
cause before Burchard called them to order and laid out their plan. They would
arrest the royal family and try the King and Queen for treason against the
realm and behead them on Traitor's Hill. It was likely the older children would
also be executed; perhaps the younger ones might survive and return to the fief
of Conté no doubt to live out their lives under constant guard or they would
remain imprisoned until their deaths. Then the new monarchy of Brathach "the
Great and Fair" would be established. Joren had to force himself not to roll
his eyes. They were like a room full of indignant children plotting against
their nursemaids who would not allow them to have a cookie. Before too long
Joren was dismissed from their presence as their conversation turned to the
women they have bedded, Joren was thankful that he didn't have to hear about
his father's indiscretions, not when his mother was so faithful and devoted to
him.
Joren decided he would go and see what Kel was up to, he didn't like the idea
of leaving her around that Sergeant she was fond of for too long because it was
only a matter of time before the fool confessed his feelings towards her and
Kel would reciprocate and feel obligated to end things between her and Joren
even though she still needed him to help her deal with her unhealthy habit she
had developed. Joren would not leave her side until he knew he had helped her
through this, then they could go back to the way things used to be.
===============================================================================
 
 
Kel helped Dom's squad the rest of the afternoon until they had finished their
tasks. She had been forbidden to pick up a hammer again and instead helped them
by holding things in place while others used the hammers to pound the nails
into the wood. Once they were done with building the stands they moved onto
building the tournament rings and the jousting lanes. Kel was completely
exhausted by dinner time when she sat around the fire with a bowl of stew in
her hand and a piece of bread balanced precariously on the edge of the bowl.
She sat beside Dom who was busy teasing his fellow sergeant Aiden.
"You're just sour because my squad is far superior to yours Aiden." Dom
laughed.
"How can I be jealous of your motley band of misfits and pranksters? Milord
even knows you lot are a lost cause, that's why he put Lady Kel with you so
you'd actually get something done." Aiden shot back.
"He put's Kel with us," Dom chuckled "because he knows to put her where she'll
learn the most, right Kel?" Dom asked bringing her into the conversation.
Kel looked at Dom with her eyes wide and pointedly looked away to indicate she
had no desire to join the argument and would remain neutral. Aiden burst out
laughing, joined by several other members of the Own.
"You see there Dom, Kel can't even speak out of fear from your rag-tag bunch
that can't match the exceptional skills of my squad." Aiden smirked.
Dom gasped scandalized, "Aiden our beloved Lady Kel here has nothing to fear
from any man in the Own." Dom vowed solemnly. "She simply doesn't want to hurt
your feelings by admitting how great my squad and leadership skills are."
Kel rolled her eyes and muttered something about him being too much like
Meathead and Dom choked on a bite of stew while staring at her in horror. "That
was cruel Kel! Comparing me to my meathead cousin when we are nothing alike,"
Dom wheezed out once he could speak the rest of the men where all hiding their
smiles and snickers behind bowls of food.
Kel smiled while she bit into her bread and shrugged. "Sorry Dom," she said
once she swallowed the bread. Kel grinned cheekily at him and added "it just
must be the family resemblance." Dom's jaw once again dropped and the men
around were snorting in their efforts to not laugh. That was how Joren found
them, Kel and the men laughing at Dom who was busy puffing his chest out and
reciting how he and Neal had nothing in common. When they noticed Joren they
all fell silent except for Dom who was busy trying to impress Kel, and Kel
being his captive audience. They noticed after a moment that it was too quiet
and looked around before noticing Joren.
"Oh hello," Kel said after a moment.
"Can we help you?" Aiden asked in a false polite tone.
"Just thought I would get to know some of you since we will be traveling the
Progress together for a while," Joren answered, he made it a point to not stare
at Kel the entire time he spoke. It wouldn't be good if someone figured out
there was more to their relationship than blind hate at this time. Joren sat
next to Qasim and Wolset and looked at the men waiting for them to being
talking again.
No one spoke, they all just stared at Joren, an interloper in their midst. Dom
finally took pity on him and spoke. "Well then Joren it looks like you'll have
to go through the initiation process if you want to hang out with us." Dom had
that evil glint to his blue eyes which must have been contagious because soon
all the men had it.
"Did Keladry go through this 'initiation process'?" Joren wondered.
"As Milord's squire we are forbidden from pranking her, getting her mixed up in
our shenanigans, and otherwise endangering her in anyway by pain of death."
Qasim recited the familiar speech Lord Raoul had given them on the day he
announced to the Own he was taking her as his squire. Kel's head shot up in
surprise.
"If that's true why were you all trying to recruit me into your midst of
pranksters since we arrived?" Kel looked at Dom why she asked this.
"Well Milady," Dom drawled, Joren scowled the idiot was flirting with her. "I
am simply encouraging you to take hold of the opportunity you've been given."
"Uhuh," Kel said disbelievingly.
"Now back to you Squire Joren," Qasim said directing the attention away from
Dom's flirting. "If you want to associate with us fine chaps you must prank the
Knight and Commander of the King's Own successfully without getting caught."
"But I thought Milord told you all to be on your best behavior and no pranks
while we are at Stone Mountain" Kel pointed out.
"Hush Mother," Dom quipped. "We lads need to have our fun otherwise we might
get into more serious trouble." Kel rolled her eyes and stood up.
"Well then I'll leave you to it boys." She gave them a mock bow before
strolling to her tent. Kel and the men had an understanding; she would look the
other way when they were planning pranks (and often times they found it best
when Kel knew nothing of their plans due to her honest nature) and they would
teach her all the dirty hand to hand combat tricks and other fighting styles
they knew.
Joren tried not to frown when Kel left, he had come all the way to where the
Own was camped to spend time with her not, he thought sourly, to be surrounded
by a bunch of man children who were busy suggesting ridiculous ideas to him to
complete his task of pranking Lord Raoul. But Joren resigned himself to make
friends with the Own, it would make spending time around Kel less suspicious
and he could easily keep an eye on Kel and the Sergeant who was making progress
into Kel's affections.
***** Chapter 11 *****
Chapter Notes
     A/N: I'm so very sorry I took so long to update. It's been one thing
     after another here my car broke down, my Grandma was in the hospital,
     my parents car broke down…twice, my laptop crashed and I was forced
     to buy a new one, and someone then hit my car when I was at work. It
     has been the very definition of chaos. Anyways thanks to all my
     readers and reviewers! So there is a scene in here I wrote out a
     while ago because I thought it up and really liked it. I was inspired
     to write that scene while watching Shameless (with Love the Omni
     forever ago) and Mickey tells Ian he's nothing but a warm mouth to
     him. So I kind of sort of borrowed that line from Shameless. Worry
     not I will cite it in the story! Also I have decided that since this
     is a KelJoren fic and because I just really can't deal with writing a
     character death anytime soon that Joren shall live. I'm sorry I just
     couldn't pull a Kripke/ Moffat/Whedon on you guys. I have a heart,
     plus I'm not a talented enough writer that I think I could get away
     with that. I might do an alternate ending where Joren dies though hmm
     thoughts. What do you all think?
 
Later that night after Joren finally retired from the company of the Own he
walked back to the gloomy structure of Stone Mountain and then snuck back to
the tents undetected to find Kel. He found her awake in her tent cleaning her
armor and weapons calmly while Jump and the sparrows arrange themselves around
her. The atmosphere was one of content and when Kel looked up her eyes
brightened to see him slipping into her tent.
"I was wondering if I would see you again tonight," Kel said turning back to
her work. Joren sat down on the ground in front of her, her weapons and armor
between them.
"I had originally tried to find you earlier but I was detained by a mad group
of soldiers insistent that I prank the Giant Killer." Joren responded dryly.
"Yea Dom and his squad can be a bit…" Kel trailed off trying to think of an
appropriate term for them.
"Idiotic? Childish?" Joren supplied.
"No, overwhelmingly enthusiastic about pranks," Kel said.
Joren snorted. "I think they're idiots." Kel cracked a smile.
"They can be sometimes, but they're fun to work with and be around." Kel
replied thinking of the first time she rode out with the Own and realized that
the next four years of squiredom would be hard work but would also be fun with
the group and the sudden knowledge that not all warriors were as serious as
Lord Wyldon.
"Can you ever not insult someone without immediately listing their virtues?"
Joren asked seriously.
"Yes, I've said all kinds of horrible things about you and your lot of
friends." Kel answered mockingly.
"I'm sure you did, and then went on to proclaim: 'but Joren sure is brilliant
with a sword!'" Joren returned mimicking her voice at the end.
"I did not!" Kel whispered scandalized.
"Sure," Joren teased. Kel opened her mouth to reprimand Joren but thought
better of it and closed her mouth and went back to work. They remained in a
companionable silence for a few moments before Kel decided to ask the question
that had been weighing on her mind since she left Joren with the men at the
fire a few hours earlier.
"Joren what am I to you?" Kel asked. Joren whipped his head up and stared at
her in horror, his face was a mask of confusion, betrayal, and fear. "I know
we're sort of friends and not in a relationship of the conventional sense, but
you did try and seek me out when I was having dinner with the Own and I just,"
Kel trailed off unable to put words to the thoughts swirling around in her
head. She took a deep breath and tried again. "I don't want there to be any
misunderstandings. I know you care about this," she gestured to her scared
arms, "but beyond that I don't know."
She's telling me not to become too attached to her Joren realized. Joren was
angry now. How dare she act as if he was one of her idiot friends who blindly
followed her around like lost puppies? "Don't worry Kel," Joren sneered.
"You're noting but a warm mouth to me" ("Parenthood"). With that Joren stood
and left her tent, not caring who saw. Kel looked stunned, she had meant for
them to have a conversation confirming that they both were not romantically
inclined about their arrangement but Joren had gotten angry. Why? It made Kel
furious that he started this arrangement between them and when Kel only wanted
assurance neither of them expected anything of the other he stormed off. Kel
shook with rage and disgustedly pushed her armor away from her and stood. She
looked around her tent and clenched her hands into a fist trying to understand
why Joren's actions had made her so unreasonably angry. Deciding that a walk
would cool her off Kel whistled for Jump to follow her and she left her tent
with Jump trailing after her worriedly.
Kel stomped along the river that was not far from where they were camped. The
more she thought of Joren's rude comment the angrier she became. Why couldn't
he be an adult and just talk to her without snapping at her? All she wanted to
know was what she was to Joren. And now you know a voice in her mind told
her. You're just a warm body in his bed nothing more. But Joren cared about her
cutting herself and wanted to help her. That contradicted his statement, and
the way he had looked at her hands after she told him about her injuries from
using a hammer. That contradicted it to. Come to think of it Joren had growled
any time she mentioned Dom. Kel was confused now. Joren had just confirmed he
felt absolutely nothing towards her but he was almost acting like a jealous
lover.
Kel shook that thought away quickly. She and Joren were not lovers. They
weren't anything, they were just Joren and Kel, squires who knew one another
but that did not have any other kind of attachment other than the loathing and
quasi-friendship they shared with one another. Kel sighed, she had no reason to
be upset, Joren had just confirmed what Kel herself wanted to know, they
weren't anything to each other and their new arrangement had not changed that.
She felt the anger in her belly dissipate and left her feeling empty and sad.
Why she felt sad Kel didn't know but she pushed the feeling away and focused on
more important matters. The King and the court would be arriving the day after
tomorrow and the Own had completed most of their tasks already. There was still
work to be done and no doubt they would have to rise early to complete it. Kel
groaned at that thought and began trudging back to her tent.
When Kel made it back to her tent she half expected to walk in and find Joren
there but her tent was empty except for the sparrows that had bedded down in
various places. Jump entered and snuggled down on her bedroll. Kel smiled at
the dog before putting away her armor and weapons for the night. Then she
changed into her nightshirt and crawled into her bedroll moving Jump over a bit
so she could get comfortable. Jump moved over slowly and circled a few times by
her feet, shooting her an indignant look he finally settled down again to
sleep. Kel chucked softly and closed her own eyes to fall asleep while thoughts
shifted in her head that made absolutely no sense.
===============================================================================
The next morning when she woke Kel knew that today would not be one of her
better days. There was a twisted and barbed ball of self-loathing and dejection
that had settled painfully in her chest. Kel contemplated for a moment of just
staying in bed and not bothering with anything that day of course she wouldn't
really do that but Kel longed to regardless. She rose and grabbed her practice
glaive and began her morning pattern dances on autopilot. Jump and the sparrows
could sense their mistress' distress and watched her carefully. The animals
didn't know exactly what was wrong with their mistress but they feared for her.
She had been acting weird for a while now, but now that the blond haired man
was around her moods were even more unpredictable. The sparrows had discussed
amongst themselves in their series of peeps and chatter while Kel finished one
of her more complex pattern dances with a flourish. She mopped the light layer
of sweat from her forehead and went to her water basin to wash herself, clean
her teeth and get ready for the day.
She was combing her hair while contorting her tall body to look into the small
hand held mirror she packed when Kel stopped and studied her reflection. She
wasn't pretty at best she was average with too bright hazel eyes lines with
dark lashes. Her eyes didn't match her face they should have been on the face
of a pretty court lady not the sturdy, dust covered Squire Kel. She sighed and
put the mirror down. It wasn't like anyone cared for her appearance, Joren
didn't care what she looked like, he'd made that clear last night. The only boy
who had ever called her pretty was Cleon and Kel suddenly regretted turning him
down. Any love she could receive was better than this, but she had probably
mucked things up too much with Cleon and he was betrothed to a prettier girl
anyways. Kel could see the lonely years stretch out before her monotonously.
She was not meant to be loved by anyone; she would be alone her whole life and
die alone too. But she would have her shield she would accomplish at least that
much in her lifetime she thought with some satisfaction. Kel sighed and found
the strength to rise to her feet and leave her tent to face the day.
She met Dom and his squad for breakfast by the fire. She took her plate from
one of the men and nodded her thanks before sitting down on one of the logs
they had moved there. Dom sat beside her and greeted her with a smile.
"Good morning Kel," Dom said in an almost sing-song voice. He had a wide smile
and his eyes were cheerful, too cheerful.
"Dom, what did you do?" Kel asked him worriedly.
"Nothing I am hurt that you would come to such a conclusion." Dom replied his
face contorted into a mask of hurt.
Kel eyed him suspiciously and opened her mouth to say something to him when she
heard a crash and her knight master roar with fury. Raoul crawled out of his
tent that had collapsed on him when he rose only moments before. Kel turned and
saw him and bit back laughter. Raoul was covered in broken bits of string and
his hair was wet and dripping some sticky substance. His cheeks were red with
embarrassment and perhaps the facepaint that was on his lips and eyelids as
well. Not to mention the rather exquisitely drawn moustache above his
impossibly red painted lips. He rose to his feet and stormed over to Dom's
squad and immediately demanded to know who was responsible.
"None of us Milord I can assure you," Dom said his face in a wide grin. "You
told us no pranks and everyone in the Own follows your orders to the T milord."
Raoul's face was not amused. "Yes I know you follow my orders exactly which is
why you've managed to find some way around them." Raoul snapped. "Since you
lads have so much time on your hands you can do all the rest of the work on
your own. Kel you have the day off to do what you wish." With that Raoul
stomped off bellowing orders at the men as he went to wash off in the stream.
When Raoul was out of earshot Dom and his entire squad started laughing. Wolset
wiped away a tear a moment later and declared "I didn't know that Stone
Mountain lad had it in him!"
"I didn't think he even had a sense of humor," Qasim added.
"Well you know he has no sense of self preservation," Lerant said staring at
Raoul's retreating form with a frown.
Kel didn't know what to make of the situation Joren, serious and ever rude
Joren had participated in the age old initiation tradition of the Own by
pranking the Knight and Commander. It was out of character for him, though Kel
supposed as she has gotten closer to him since Midwinter she had come to
realize she never truly known Joren. Before he was just a bigoted chauvinistic
bully incapable of compassion and now he had proven to her that he was
misinformed and ill-taught by his father. He was kind to her and cruel other
times, Joren was complicated. Kel didn't know if she could handle complicated
with her own insecurities she mused while absentmindedly rubbing her scared arm
hidden away under her shirt sleeve.
"So Kel what are you going to do with your day off?" Wolset asked when he had
regained his composure. Dom sat stiffly waiting to hear the answer and pretend
that he wasn't listening at the same time.
"Despite what Milord said I think I should still help you lot to make sure
everything gets done in time." Kel answered.
"I don't think it's wise to disobey Milord's orders," Lerant piped in. "He's
cross as it is."
"But what about all the work that has to be done? It has to be done before
tomorrow," Kel reminded obstinately.
"Don't worry Kel we'll manage without you." Qasim said cheerfully as if to
reassure her but the only thing that it did was confirm to Kel that she was not
needed and useless. With a weary sigh Kel resigned herself to spending the day
meandering around with no real purpose. Exactly the opposite of what she
needed, she had been hoping to lose herself in work that she could forget about
her deeply nested black feelings for a while.
"So what do you plan to do?" Wolset repeated.
"I don't know I might take Peachblossom out for a ride," she replied. Dom who
had sat quietly listening to the exchange and tried to hide a grin, he had
something he wanted to tell Kel and had been waiting for an opportunity to
catch her alone and the occasion had just presented itself.
After breakfast Kel and the men of the Own went their separate ways, them to
work, her to go and try and sort herself out on a ride with Peachblossom. She
made her way to the stables and to Peachblossom's stall and made quick work of
saddling him before she mounted him and off they went. Jump and the sparrows
aware of their mistress's mood had decided to give her some space and stayed in
the stable with Hoshi. But their too-intelligent animal eyes worriedly watched
her until she was out of sight.
Kel rode Peachblossom at a steady pace lost in her thoughts. She was so
confused over Joren's behavior and actions and she worried about how much help
he would actually be to her in her current situation. Perhaps it would be best
to stop their secret trysts and go back to how it was before. She was sure she
could manage on her own now and if need be she could tell Neal. Kel knew that
was a lie, she'd take this secret to her grave but she was suspecting she
needed to stop things with Joren before they got too involved. Her pretend plan
made her feel a bit more secure because if Kel was being honest with herself
(not honest enough to admit out loud that the telling Neal bit was a lie mind
you) she was terrified of trusting Joren only to have him pull the rug out from
underneath her. She was giving her enemy the power to destroy her and there was
a very good chance that he would do just that.
Kel took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She was determined to stick to what
she had just decided. She didn't need to be a bother to anyone, least of all
someone who had sworn to destroy her chances of becoming a knight and
fulfilling her dreams. Kel thought longingly about her dreams of knighthood for
a moment. She was sure that once she obtained it everything would be fine and
all that she had gone through would be worth it. If she could just hold on for
a few more years she would have everything she dreamed of to fill the void in
her.
Feeling a tiny amount of relief Kel took a look at her surroundings for the
first time. She had been riding Peachblossom for a few hours and he had taken
her along a much used trail in the forest where his mistress could collect
herself and her thoughts without having to worry about where they were going.
"We should probably head back," Kel commented quietly and turned Peachblossom
around to do just that. It took less than half the time Kel had been out riding
to return to the stables at Stone Mountain because she had urged the gelding to
a quicker pace and not the slow ambling pace the had taken to before while
circling the trail. Kel slid out of the saddle and went to the task of taking
off Peachblossom's tack and brushing and cooling her mount off. So focus on her
task she was Kel didn't realize someone else had entered the stables until she
heard Dom's smooth voice from behind her.
"Have a nice ride?" He asked. Kel jumped, startled and she whirled around to
face him.
"Dom you scared me," Kel laughed weakly her heart still thudding in her chest.
"Sorry, I saw you coming back and I thought I'd come and talk to you," Dom said
with a smile.
"I thought you all had work to do," Kel reminded.
"Yes Mother but then if all we lads were diligently working away who would be
here to keep you company and entertained?" Dom inquired.
"I think I could manage just fine without company Dom," Kel replied.
Dom gave her a heart fluttering grin, the white of his teeth flashing against
his still tanned, dirt and travel weathered skin. Kel noticed that he hadn't
shaved in a few days and that he had the start of a beard peppering the lower
half of his face and Kel absently wondered what it would feel like if she
touched it. She quickly shook that thought away as she returned her focus to
what Dom was saying.
"Oh I've no doubt you can manage just fine by yourself milady I just thought
I'd take a break and seek out your delightful company," Dom returned. From an
unseen shadowed entrance of the stables Joren watched with barely contained
fury as he witnessed the Sergeant flirting with Kel. He unconsciously clenched
his fists and ground his teeth and he continued to watch the exchange.
Kel rolled her eyes at Dom's admission. "I don't think you should be taking
breaks after you've barely just started working." Kel turned back to
Peachblossom and continued brushing him.
"Am I bothering you?" Dom suddenly asked, the flirting hue in his voice had
been dropped and in its stead there was an edge of uncertainty to the tenor of
his voice.
"No why do you think that?" Kel asked him confused.
"Just seems like I'm bothering you since you keep insisting I get back to
work." Dom answered. Something in his tone made her heart squeeze painfully.
She set the brush down and exited Peachblossom's stall to stand in front of
Dom.
"No you're not bothering me Dom I just," her voice caught in her throat, she
quickly cleared it with a small cough and started again. "I just figured you
had more important things to do than hang around me." She answered.
"I don't think I'll ever have anything more important to do than hang around
you," Dom said huskily.
"What do you mean by that?" Kel asked, tilting her head to the side in
confusion. Dom didn't answer her, instead he moved closer to her until they
were barely inches apart. His hands went to her hips as he moved in to kiss
her. Kel's eyes were wide in shock, Dom was kissing her. Once the initial shock
wore off she hesitantly returned the kiss. All too quickly it was over and Kel
could feel her cheeks heating up in a blush that matched Dom's redden face as
he pulled away. They stood there awkwardly in silence for a moment. Dom opened
his mouth to speak but before he could get anything out they heard someone
outside calling for Dom.
He gave her a pained look. "Can we talk about this later?" he asked hopefully.
"Of course," Kel answered. He smiled at her and ran off to find the owner of
the voice who dared to interrupt this moment with Kel.
Kel remained still for a second longer before quickly going back to
Peachblossom to throw her arms around the giant horse's neck and bury her
burning face into his collar.
"Well that was interesting," Joren commented dryly
Kel jumped and once again turned to see who had snuck up on her. Seeing Joren
she icily said "oh Joren, I didn't see you lurking there." Today just wasn't
her day.
"Arrogant lesser noble son," Joren growled out after he moved to stand outside
Peachblossom's stall.
"Lesser Noble? Joren, Masbolle's in the Book of Gold just like you," Kel
defended, confused at Joren's comment.
"He's a lesser son. Not an heir." Joren explained. "Why did you let him kiss
you?" Joren demanded.
Kel shrugged. "I don't know. Why do you care Joren? I'm just a warm mouth to
you remember." Kel reminded, once again feeling rage building in her.
"I care because I don't think he has your best interest at heart," Joren
replied shoving down his feelings of jealousy.
"And you do?" Kel asked incredulously.
"More than he does," Joren retorted. "You won't even turn to your friends for
help with your problem. Instead you trust me with your secrets." He reminded.
"Well maybe I shouldn't." Kel snapped, turning away from him back to pet
Peachblossom's neck. Joren looked taken aback at her words. In a softer voice
she continued. "I've been thinking that we should stop this. I should tell my
friends about what I've been doing and get proper help." As Kel spoke the words
she knew in her heart it was all for show. She would never tell anyone about
this. She would go back to pretending everything was fine and ignoring it.
Joren watched her carefully as she deliberately avoided making eye contact with
him. "You're lying," Joren accused.
That startled Kel and she whipped around to stare at him in barely contained
fury, "You have no right to say or even think that. You think because I trusted
you for a brief moment and we spent some time together that makes you an expert
on me? I don't think so Joren" She sneered.
"Spent some time together?" Joren repeated. He had tried to avoid being nasty
to her but she was pushing him. "Spending time together? Is that what you call
what we're doing? So that's it is that it? You're done 'spending time together'
with me and what to go 'spend time together' with that idiot?" Joren gestured
to where Dom had exited the stables.
"He has nothing to do with this," Kel growled.
"Sure doesn't seem like it to me." Joren responded haughtily. When Kel didn't
respond to him, only turn back to brush Peachblossom angrily he sighed softly
to himself his anger deflating a bit. "If it's not about the idiot-"
"Dom," Kel corrected.
"So if it's not about Dom," Joren said through gritted teeth trying to keep his
anger in check. "What is this about?"
Kel stilled her movements. Joren waited for an answer but she gave him none,
only remained frozen beside her mount unable to form words to the fears that
had been plaguing her. Joren entered the stall with her and Peachblossom,
immediately gaining her attention she pushed Joren out of Peachblossom's biting
range. "Are you crazy?!" She asked him hysterically.
"What?" Joren asked surprised by her sudden movements.
"Peachblossom doesn't like anyone in his stall but me and a few select others,"
Kel told him and she tried to pull her hands off his chest and retreat to the
safety Peachblossom offered her but Joren quickly caught her hands and held
them against him. She could feel the warmth of him beneath her hands and it
stirred up unwelcomed feelings in the pit of her belly.
Joren's icy blue eyes bore into her as he repeated his earlier question. "What
is wrong Kel?" Kel saw the concern in his gaze and it broke her, the tears she
had been fighting sprang from her eyes as she threw herself into his embrace.
Joren held her tight against him, again surprised by her actions. The normally
reserved Kel did not behave like this and he didn't fully know how to handle
it.
"I'm afraid you're going to hurt me," Kel managed to gasp out her head firmly
nuzzled against his broad chest. Joren felt something in him break and he
rested his chin on the top of her head, his lips against her hair.
"I won't hurt you on purpose Kel," He told her gently, suddenly regretting his
harsh comments he had made to her in the past days and his lustful actions
before that. Obviously he was pushing Kel beyond what she was able to manage.
"I won't do anything to you Kel that you're not strong enough to handle," he
whispered to her. She sniffled into his chest in response. "I can't promise
I'll be any good at this Kel, I'm a bad person but I want to help you. I won't
abandon you now okay?" He felt her nod. "I won't leave until you're ready. I
care too much about you now." Joren admitted.
Kel pulled away only enough to look up at him. "You care?" Kel echoed.
"I do," Joren confessed. "We're not enemies anymore Kel, we're friends. Is that
okay? Can we be friends?"
Kel gave him a watery grin and sniffled again. "Of course we can be friends."
"Friends who do this?" Joren inquired as he quickly kissed her. He saw her
blush underneath her already red splotched face from crying and again she
nodded. "Good. Is it unreasonable that I request that you don't do these kinds
of things with anybody else?" Kel looked at him sharply. "I won't be doing them
elsewhere either. I just think we need to focus on you and you can't be with
someone if you can't be honest about your cutting." Joren amended.
"I don't think that's unreasonable," Kel finally said after deliberating for a
moment. "I just need to find a way to let Dom down easy."
"Just tell him you're not interested and that he needs to back off." Joren
glowered. He hated when she mentioned Dom, that idiot was such a flirt and
couldn't possibly be serious about Kel. Not that he himself was either, Joren
quickly corrected his thoughts. Joren was simply invested deeply in the well-
being of Kel that Dom could never do due to his position in the Own.
"I don't want to hurt his feelings," Kel replied biting her lip.
"You are interested in him aren't you?" Joren sighed.
"A little," she answered.
"Then just tell him to wait or something," he advised even though it pained him
to do so.
"Do you think he will?" Kel asked hopeful.
Joren could feel a tick developing in his left eye under the strain she was
placing him under, but as her friend he needed to be supportive of her as much
as possible. "If he's serious about you he'll wait. Just tell him that you need
to focus on getting your shield and that it's inappropriate and deceitful to
try and have a relationship now."
"Thank you," Kel said genuinely heartfelt as she wiped the reaming tears off
her face. Joren felt a headache push behind his eyes as he realized things were
only going to get more complicated from here on out.
===============================================================================
Later that evening after the men had finished building all the structures
before the King's arrival the following day Kel sought out Dom to continue
their earlier conversation. She felt better after having talked to Joren about
what exactly had been bothering her and now she needed to straighten things out
with Dom. She finally found him on the outskirts of the Own encampment and he
motioned for her to follow him. She did and he led her to a secluded area where
they could talk uninterrupted.
"Kel about earlier I just wanted you to know that I really like you and my
intentions are to court you," Dom spoke quickly trying to get the words of the
speech he'd been rehearsing in his head all afternoon out without messing up.
Kel was speechless for a moment. She had known Dom all this time and knew he
was kind but she never knew he was also so sweet.
"Dom I'm flattered," Kel began and that hopeful twinkle in Dom's eyes darkened.
"You're not interested," Dom finished for her.
"No it's not that at all," Kel said hurriedly as she did not want to hurt his
feelings or dash his hopes. "I just want to focus on getting my shield right
now and I think Milord wouldn't take to kindly to it if we began courting," Kel
told him.
"No, Milord would have fits seeing as he threatened us when he first took you
on as his squire if any of us started getting ideas about you." Dom admitted.
"Would you allow me to court you after you've been knighted?" He asked.
"Would you still want to?" Kel wondered. "I still have three years to complete.
That's a long time for you to wait Dom."
"That's alright Kel I don't mind waiting. I already told you nothing is more
important to me than hanging around you and I'll do it for as long as it
takes." He told her. Kel blushed.
"Then yes we can revisit this after I've been knighted." Kel said trying to
keep her tone level even though she felt happiness bubbling through her chest.
"Excellent, I look forward to it," Dom said with a wink. He kissed her forehead
and left her there to find her way back to her tent, after today all Kel wanted
to do was crawl into her bedroll and sleep. She was exhausted.
===============================================================================
 
 
 
Okay as promised here is the citation:
von Scherler Mayer, Daisy, dir. "Parenthood." Writ. Mike O'Malley. Shameless.
Showtime: 4 Mar 2012. Television.
So what did you all think? Let me know!
***** Chapter 12 *****
Chapter Notes
     Disclaimer – Don't own, don't sue!
     Chapter Twelve
     A/N: Hello sorry again for the wait, I'm just terrible at this
     updating thing. Please continue to read, review, and favorite my
     story. It makes me happy to see that people like my story. There is a
     scene in here that was inspired by Game of Thrones I will cite it.
     Kel has an anxiety attack in this chapter. Also since they are not as
     medically advanced in this area they kind of lump together Anxiety
     and Panic Disorders along with PTSD. I am well aware of the
     differences however.
A Squire's Pain
By oxlabyrinthxo
Spring gave way to summer and the Progress moved along from fief to fief at an
agonizingly slow pace for the members of the Own who were used to the quick
pace at which they normally traveled. Third Company was envious of the Second
and First Companies who were being sent out when bandit raids and immortal
attacks reached the ears of the king. Lord Raoul was also getting bored with
the monotony of the tournaments and festivities. King Jonathan had ordered
Raoul and his beloved Third Company to remain with the Progress until further
notice. Kel was quite content with this command much to her own surprise. It
gave her more time with her friends and made her realize how those
relationships had been neglected since they became squires and their
interactions with one another became more infrequent.
Kel was also pleased of the time she was spending with Joren. Kel enjoyed
Joren's company and witty remarks about the matches when they met up secretly
each night. Things were progressing slowly in their relationship; Joren had not
gone further than kissing her in weeks but that didn't bother her because they
spent a great deal of time working through her problems. She confessed her
fears of failure and inadequacy to Joren and he reassured her. They avoided the
topic of Joren's father and his plans after Joren snapped at her one night when
she brought it up. For the most part things were going great for the lady
squire.
Today her friends and she had gathered to watch the jousting matched. Kel was
not on the roster for that day but whoever won this next match would be who she
would face the next day. A nervous excitement was humming in her very bones.
The two knights met in the middle and dipped their heads to one another in
respect before going to their ends of the field. Kel studied the two knights.
Both were solid looking individuals and appeared to have seen many battles and
skirmishes over their long careers.
"That's Lord Daragh of Blue Harbor," Cleon whispered in her ear pointing to the
knight on the left in shinny Raven's Armory armor that had sheen of blue to it.
"And that's Sir Taran of Tirrsmont; his Grandfather was cousin to the Conté
line." Kel nodded, her eyes never leaving the field. Neal was on the other side
of her, his dark eyebrows drawn together as he studied the field.
"What is it?" Kel asked Neal seeing the tension in his shoulders.
"I don't know, a bad feeling I guess," Neal said without looking at her.
"Ignore Meathead, he's been all doom and gloom ever since he got here," Dom
piped in from the seat behind Neal with a smile whole patting his cousin's
unruly brown hair.
"I have not!" Neal snapped turning to glare at his cousin.
"Have so," Dom replied childishly. Neal followed suit by sticking his tongue
out at Dom who grabbed ahold of the appendage and snickered while Neal tried to
reclaim his tongue. "Now Meathead if you didn't want me to do this you should
have kept your tongue in your mouth," Dom taunted.
Kel ignored the banter between the two and turned to Cleon on her other side
and asked him "why is Neal so on edge?"
Cleon shrugged. "Just like the Sargent said, Neal's been acting like that since
yesterday, like he knows something bad's going to happen." Kel nodded and
turned her attention back to the match in front of her. Things had been awkward
around Cleon but both squires were pathologically ignoring the tension between
them from their encounter this Midwinter, and the events solidifying his
betrothal to Ermelian of Aminar. The spring rains has ravaged Kennan flooding
the land ruining the crops and killing humans and livestock alike. Cleon now
could not break the betrothal for Aminar had come to Kennan's rescue and his
people needed their aid. Kel was conflicted on one hand she was glad Cleon
would no longer be able to actively pursue her, but she also wished for her
friend's happiness and recent events had left him rather glum.
The two knights on the field collided with a loud clang. Neither was unseated
and both their lances still intact. Kel watched the match with rapt attention
as they turned and charged on another again. This time Daragh's lance shattered
on impact and a large portion of it embedded itself in Sir Taran of Tirrsmont's
throat. Kel and her friends were close enough to see the blood spurt out of his
wound as he fell off his horse and hard onto the ground on his back. He made a
sound that was somewhere between a gasp and a gurgle as healers rushed to his
side the dirt quickly staining red.
A servant grabbed the reins of Sir Taran's mount and led it away from the field
while at the other end Daragh dismounted and removed his helmet. Kel watched
the healers work on Sir Taran with a horrified fascination. She was so lost in
the scene before her that Neal startled her when he briskly grabbed her
shoulders and turned her away from the scene. [Ben11]
"You don't need to see this Kel," Neal murmured in her ear as he pushed her
through the crowd of people in the stands. Kel felt like she was having an out
of body experience, she could see the people around her clamoring but she could
not here it over the constant buzzing in her ears. She felt Neal's hands on her
shoulder guiding her but she could not feel the ground beneath her feet which
caused her to stumble when they came to the stairs to leave the stands. Kel
tripped and would have fallen if not for Cleon's presence in front of her to
steady her.
When had he moved to be in front of her? Kel wasn't sure. She could feel her
chest rising and falling erratically and her breathing shallow. Her lungs felt
like bursting and she couldn't get enough air no matter how deeply she drew
breath. She was lost to her surroundings until she was aware of Neal easing her
into a sitting position next to a large oak and the world lurched in her eyes.
For several minutes Kel sat there under Neal's watchful and concerned gaze.
After several long minutes the buzzing in her ears lessened and her breathing
although not quite back to normal had stopped being so harsh and her vision
steadied. She was aware of her friends nearby, but not crowding her as they
stood several feet away Neal was the closest to her, kneeling down beside her
his face pinched with worry as his emerald eyes studied her.
"Are you okay?" he asked her. Kel had not yet regained the power of speech she
realized when she opened her mouth and her throat constricted and she let loose
a squeak. Instead she nodded to Neal and focused on regaining control of
herself. She tried to bring forth her Yamani Mask but to no avail. She could
not reign in her emotions and school her features. Our of her peripheral vision
she saw a flash of white-blond hair and turned to see Joren discreetly looking
her way examining her with worry taught in his shoulders.
It eased her a little bit to know he was near and soon she was able to breathe
normally and speak. "I'm sorry" she managed; embarrassed by the blatant display
of emotions she had just shown.
Neal brushed her bangs from her forehead and she was shocked to discover that
it was sweaty. "You have nothing to be sorry about," Neal assured her.
She was silent for a moment, and then hesitantly asked "what just happened to
me?"
Neal sighed "you had what he healers call a fit of nerves."
Kel nodded, she had heard of such things before. Knight who has seen battles
had such fits as did those who had suffered traumas or just those who had "bad
blood" like Kel. She moved to stand but faltered realizing her legs had gone
weak after her fit. Neal steadied her and her friends moved closer to her side
to offer support but to not crowd her. She sensed her friend's unease as they
watched her for any signs of a relapse.
"I'm fine, really I am." Kel insisted. "Let's go back, I'm fine now."
Neal shook his head. "They've cancelled the rest of the events for the day in
honor of Sir Taran." Neal left it unspoken that Sir Taran was dead but Kel knew
all too well there was nothing the healers could have done for Sir Taran but
ease his passing. It wasn't unheard of for a man to die in a jousting
tournament, it wasn't even rare but it had been the first time Kel had seen it.
"I think you should go lie down in your tent and rest," Neal suggested.
Kel opened her mouth to protest but changed her mind. Resting did sound very
appealing at the moment and it would give her a chance to talk to Joren who was
casually on the fringes watching out for her. She nodded and Neal led her to
her tent and shooed away their other friends. Kel expected him to leave when
they made it to her tent but instead he followed her in and sat in her chair at
her makeshift desk and ran a hand through his disheveled brown locks and stared
hard at the ground.
Kel sat on her cot and waited for him to speak; he clearly has something on his
mind. He sighed deeply and heartfelt before finally airing what was bothering
him, "Kel you know that if there's ever anything you need to talk to me about
I'm always here." Kel felt her stomach drop. Had she been caught? She must have
looked surprised and guilty because Neal then said "I know something is
different with you, I don't know what. I don't know if you even want to tell me
I just – Gods Kel you're worrying me. I want you to know I'm always here for
you and I would do anything for you. You know that right?" He asked turning his
serious gaze to here.
Kel felt tears prickling at her eyes that threatened to fall. "I know." She
whispered her voice thick with emotion. She hesitated. Should she tell Neal?
The guilt of not telling had weighed heavy on her heart for so long and she
didn't even know where to begin to start untangling the web of secrets and lies
she had spun to protect her from this very thing. Kel took a shaky breath and
looked at her forearms resting in her lap. "I'm not-" she stopped unsure how to
continue. She cleared her throat and began again "I'm a mess." Kel laughed
nervously picking at a scab on her arm and making it bleed.
Neal dragged the chair closer to her and stopped her hands and held them in his
own. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't know" Kel sighed truthfully feeling conflicted.
"It's okay Kel if you're not ready to talk about it. I understand." Neal
reassured her. Kel nodded and Neal released her hands and drew her into and
awkward hug. Kel felt the tears spill from her eyed and she sniffled into
Neal's shoulder which caused him to hold her tighter.
"Neal," Kel said pulling away from him, resolute in her sudden decision. "I
know this sounds strange and doesn't make sense but can you find Joren and
bring him here?"
Neal jolted back in surprise. "Joren? Joren of Stone Mountain? That Joren?"
Neal asked incredulous.
"Yes, please. I'll explain everything after you bring him here," Kel said
pleadingly. Neal studied her face for a moment before rising to his feet.
"Okay," Neal replied softly. "I'll be right back." He bent down and kissed her
forehead like a brother might do to a younger sister and then left the tent to
track down Kel's former advisory. Kel took deep breaths trying not to let her
resolve waver.
Neal searched out Joren and regarded him with suspicion when he found him a few
rows from Kel's tent seemingly engrosses in a sign posted that simply listed
the names of the tournament matches on the next day with a frown on his face.
Neal looked around and didn't see anyone who would question him engaging Joren
in conversation so he boldly walked over to him and cleared his throat to gain
Joren's attention.
"Can I help you?" Joren sneered. He was on edge and worried about Kel and the
listings for tomorrow's joust did not ease him. She would go against Daragh
tomorrow.
"Kel's asking for you." Neal said in a low voice. Joren barely kept his face
from showing the confusion he felt within. He was sure this was a set up
devised by Kel's friends to get him to reveal something. He had to play his
part of their enemy, Kel's enemy.
"Why would the Lump-" Neal cut Joren off with a severe look.
The two boys studied each other for a moment before Neal broke the silence.
"Come on let's not keep her waiting." Her turned and walked off and didn't
spare a glance over his shoulder to see if Joren followed him. But follow him
Joren did. He was curious about if Kel had revealed the nature of their
relationship and the secrets that she kept.
They arrived at Kel's tent and Neal casually looked around before shoving Joren
into Kel's tent before anyone could notice and then entered the tent himself.
Joren glared at Neal for a moment before turning his attention to Kel who was
nervously picking at scabs and old scars on her left forearm. Joren shot a look
at Neal and then moved to sit beside Kel on her cot.
"Is everything alright?" Joren asked an unvoiced question in his voice. Why did
you have him bring me here?
"Yes," Kel answered and then frowned. "No." She raised her head and looked at
Joren and then Neal. "I think I need to tell you some things Neal." She stopped
expecting him to interrupt her but he didn't. Instead he returned to his seat
in her chair in front of her and looked at her expectantly. "I've been
feeling…" she trailed off trying to think of a way to word her feelings
"different this last year."
"Different how?" Neal asked.
"I don't know lost. I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough and," she
sighed and let the words tumble from her mouth. "It just kept getting worse and
worse and I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was trapped by all these
awful feelings and nothing helped until I-" She stopped herself and looked and
Neal helplessly willing him to understand.
Joren put and hand comfortingly on her knee causing Neal to raise an eyebrow.
"It's okay Kel," Joren reassured her.
"I started cutting myself." Kel blurted.
Neal blinked. "What? Kel are you okay? Let me look!" Neal said in a flurry of
panic. Before Kel could reassure her friend she was fine he had rolled up her
sleeves to see the lingering scars on her arm, and Joren noted that there were
no fresh marks since her arrival with the Own to Stone Mountain. Neal released
the breath he was holding and a tingling warm sensation washed over her arm and
her more recent cuts healed fully up leaving faint scars to match the rest.
"Thank you," Kel said gratefully. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything earlier but
I just didn't know how to talk about it and then Joren-"
"Yes I was wondering when he would come in," Neal interrupted cutting a look to
Joren who had previously been forgotten in his outbreak of alarm over Kel's
admission.
"Before Midwinter on the way back to Corus Joren and Sir Paxton met up with the
Third Company and Joren noticed I was acting peculiar. It was a really bad time
for me. I just felt so hopeless and empty then and Joren just figured it out."
Kel explained as best she could.
"When did he find out?" Neal asked his eyes never leaving Joren.
"Right after the Midwinter ball, it was a day or so after that," Kel answered.
"And when he found out he put aside his past behavior and has been helping me
ever since."
Neal tried to hide the hurt from his features but failed. "I'm sorry I wasn't
there for you Kel. I'm so sorry but why couldn't you come to me? I'm your best
friend. I don't mean to make this about me I just, I want to help you Kel, but
you have to let me and be honest with me."
"That's the point Neal I couldn't be honest with you. I was so jealous and hurt
that you were Lady Alanna's squire and I just felt that I was unwanted. It's
not your fault truly." Kel assured him.
"It's not yours either Kel," Neal said, he turned and to Joren he said "thank
you for being there for Kel. It seems I've misjudged you." He stuck his hand
out for Joren to shake, which he accepted.
"It's not a huge deal," Joren deflected. "She needed help and I was in a
position to give it."
"Regardless you have my thanks" Neal said.
Joren waved him off. "I'm glad she told you so now we can all work together on
getting you," he said looking at Kel, "better."
"You mean you're still going to help me?" Kel asked trying to keep the hope out
of her voice. She loved Neal, he was her best friend and she was also glad she
had told him but she couldn't imagine going on without Joren. Or letting things
go back to the way they were with him before.
"I told you before I'm with you till the end of the line ("Captain America The
Winter Soldier")". Joren told her seriously. He was glad Kel was able to be
honest with her friend, but he was also glad she hadn't mentioned their odd
physical relationship they were engaging in. There were some secrets he wanted
to be kept.
Joren, Kel, and Neal talked and came up with a strategy for Kel to cope with
her depression that involved Neal making her teas and tinctures from herbs he
called hypericum perforatum but when Kel and Joren had looked at him clueless
Neal sighed and rolled his eyes before informing them it was commonly called
St. John's wort and could help Kel with her depression, after that was all
worked out Joren decided to bring up the other thing that was on his mind.
"Kel I think tomorrow you should forfeit your match." Joren told her.
"What?" Kel was taken aback. "No." She said firmly.
"Kel Lord Daragh killed a man today. There's no shame in forfeiting. I don't
know why they're not pulling him from the rosters altogether." Joren scowled
thinking his father and his allies had something to do with it. Sir Taran did
have a claim on the thrown, albeit and tenuous one and he was seen and more
favorable than Brathach of White Horn by both the Conservatives and
Progressives alike. Brathach and his rebellion might have gotten rid of Sir
Taran on purpose and what worried him was that the group would continue to rid
themselves of troublesome people and that among those people would be Sir
Alanna and Squire Kel.
"Kel," Neal began "he does have a point. You're a fair jouster; we're not
calling your skill into question, only that something is amiss here. I told you
I had a bad feeling earlier and I'm certain if you go against Lord Daragh
tomorrow you might get hurt. He's the sort to use trickery and deceit to win."
Kel studied Neal. "You know something," Kel accused.
Neal stiffed. "No," he smoothed the wrinkles from his breeches. It was in that
moment Joren suddenly recalled that Neal's Knight Mistress was married to the
King's Spymaster. "Kel I just need you to trust my feelings on this." Kel
didn't relent. Now she was more determined than ever to joust Lord Daragh.
After several failed attempts to change her mind Joren and Neal bade her
goodnight and left her tent and went their separate ways. Neal to his tent to
rest and Joren to Lord Daragh's to have a chat.
Bibliography:
Captain America The Winter Soldier. Dir. Anthony Russo. Perf. Chris Evans,
Scarlett Johansson, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Cobie Smulders, Frank
Grillo, Emily VanCamp, Hayley Atwell, Robert Redford, and Samuel L. Jackson.
Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures, 2014. Film.
Benioff, David. "The Wolf and the Lion." Game of Thrones. New York: HBO, 15 May
2011.
***** Chapter Thirteen *****
A Squire’s Pain
By oxlabyrinthxo
Disclaimer – Don’t own, don’t sue!
Chapter Thirteen
 
Hello again my lovelies! This story is taking turns I never expected!
Originally I hadn’t planned on Neal learning about Kel until much later but
apparently the characters staged a mutiny and Neal and Kel reaffirmed their
friendship. So since my plans have been shot to hell we’ll all see together how
this thing will work itself out seeing as I only have a vague inclination. Also
there’s a Princess_Bride reference in this chapter. I watched it the other day
and damn it if it didn’t pop back up as I was writing. I’m not going to cite it
with MLA 6th Edition within the text because I had someone point out to me it
disrupts the flow of the story. So I will put a footnote next to my “nods” to
other fandoms in my stories and then sight the source at the bottom of the
story so you guys know I’m not plagiarizing anything. I’m trying to add these
“nods” less but sometimes I just can’t help myself. Sorry for the tirade!
Please enjoy the story.
                The air was heavy the next morning; a fog had rolled in and
clung stubbornly to costal lands making it hard for the people of the Progress
to breath. Joren thought it was somewhat poetic the somber mood the mist
created. The death of Sir Taran was still fresh in everyone’s mind added to the
atmosphere of dread for that afternoon’s match between Sir Daragh and Squire
Keladry which had yet to be postponed due to the weather. Joren suspected
someone had manipulated the King into carrying on with the match as planned to
“raise everyone’s spirits”.
 Joren thought back to his encounter with Daragh last night when he warned the
knight against killing Kel in their upcoming jousting match. Joren warned him
it would raise suspicions, two deaths in two days by his hands in the match, it
would throw everything into suspicion and possibly uncover Burchard’s and their
plans. Of course Joren didn’t mention the thought of Kel bleeding and dying in
the dust made his heart lurch uncomfortably. But he had Daragh’s word that he
would not kill Kel during the match and that Sir Taran’s death, while a tragic
loss, was necessary to insure Brathach of White Horn would be next in line
after they disposed of the Contè’s. Joren felt ill to realize that Taran’s
death had been carefully and meticulously planned by his father and his
supporters. Clearly Joren had underestimated them.
Joren was pulled from his reverie by Neal sighing dramatically and seating
himself next to him. “Sit somewhere else,” Joren muttered just loud enough for
Neal to hear and being careful to move his lips as little as possible. He never
knew who was watching.
Neal rolled his eyes “I can’t convince Kel to yield the match. I know you went
to talk to Daragh,” Joren’s eyes cut to Neal sharply, but Neal ignored him and
continued. “But I don’t trust him to keep his word and Kel won’t withdraw out
of some misplaced honor she has.”
“Daragh will keep his word. He doesn’t want to raise suspicion.” Joren answered
plainly.
“Forgive me if I don’t put much stock in the words of killers and traitors.”
Neal huffed.
Joren glared at him. “He will keep his word,” he repeated.
Neal’s fierce green eyes bore into Joren’s. “He better,” Neal said finally
before getting up and leaving. Joren stared gloomily out at the field before
him. There was still blood dried in the dirt, someone had tried to cover it up
but it had soaked through the new layer of earth placed over the spot. Joren
stood suddenly resolved to try and convince Kel to yield the match to Daragh.
He found Kel in her tent stretching and readying herself for the day. She
smiled when she saw him. “Hello,” she said brightly. Joren entered carefully so
as not to disturb the animals that were scattered about the tent watching their
mistress. Joren stood silently by the tent entrance for several moments
watching Kel trying to think of the best way to say what was on his mind.
Finally Kel broke the silence by asking him “something on your mind Joren?”
He hesitated before blurting out what was troubling him. “I want you to concede
the match to Daragh.”
Kel gawked at him in surprise before she caught herself and smoothed her face
into her Yamani Mask. Calm she thought, I am calm, but in all honesty she was
anything but calm. Inside her a storm raged, she felt hurt at Joren’s words
showing his obvious lack of confidence in her skill. Normally before she had
got close to Joren comments of these nature were usually sneered and directed
to hurt her confidence but this time he voiced his doubts with such sincerity
that it bit much deeper than any snide comment. In that moment Kel realized
something horrifying. She had given Joren the power to hurt her.
She turned away from him unwilling to meet his eyes. “Kel please I’m just
worried about you. Daragh and the rest will stop at nothing to get what they
want.” He sighed heavily and ran a hand through his white-blond hair. “Please
Kel I can’t stand it when you shut everyone out like this,” he added.
Kel stiffened “please leave” she said quietly, fighting back tears while
keeping her voice steady and emotionless.
Joren hesitated a moment then he reached out to touch her shoulder and comfort
her, realizing he had just mucked up everything like normal. “Kel I-”
She cut him off. “Just go,” she said, this time firmer. Joren froze and
searched his mind for a way to fix things with her and effectively convey his
worries without insulting her further.
“Kel,” he tried again.
“No,” this time she whirled around to face him, her face blank and her
dreamer’s eyes full of hurt and fury. Joren stared at her eyes, the only part
of her expression that ever hinted at emotion when she hid behind her Yamani
Mask. He sighed in defeat and left her tent realizing there was no way to
salvage their conversation. He simply would have to wait until she was ready to
listen to him. In the meantime he would just continue to watch over her.
 
Kel stood on the field checking over Peachblossom before mounting. Kel felt
anxious which Peachblossom could sense making the large gelding fidgety. She
felt bad about how she left things with Joren, while it still stung that he
doubted her ability to joust and take care of herself she realized he was only
worried about her. Even Neal tried to dissuade her from continuing with the
match (though in a much more tactful way than Joren). Kel resolved herself to
trying to smooth things over possibly with Joren. Kel saw Daragh take the field
without his armor and jousting padding on and she felt a cold dread building in
her chest and settling in her heart like jagged pieces of ice piercing her. He
wouldn’t Kel thought.
Daragh held up his hand and sought the attention of everyone in the
amphitheater. “Lords and Ladies, Sirs, and Commoners alike, might I have your
attention?” he began. Clearing his throat he continued as the voices around him
died down. “After much soul searching I cannot in good conscious continue with
this match. I feel the heavy burden of Sir Taran’s death weighing on me and so
I withdraw myself from this match and all further competitions as penance for
my sin” Daragh said smoothly, his face trying to convey sincerity but to Kel
all she saw was words that Joren had whispered in his ear. Her fury was renewed
when as Daragh was leaving he nodded to Joren. That was the last straw, but she
played along and accepted that Daragh has conceded gracefully and then went to
the stables to return Peachblossom to his stall and strip her armor and padding
off, fuming the entire time.
                Joren meanwhile ran to catch Daragh after his performance.
“What was that about?” Joren hissed when he caught his arm and forcefully
jerked him around to face him.
                “A brilliantly conceived plan if I do say so myself. I admit
though I couldn’t have done it without you. You were right; they would suspect
our little plans if there were two mysterious deaths, but what if I conceded to
that sorry excuse of a squire? Admitted my fault and appeared remorseful? Why
Joren it was just the right touch.” Daragh said quietly, mindful that anyone
could be listening. “Your father thought it was brilliant as well, he’s quite
proud of your contribution to our cause.”
                Joren felt sick with himself. In his desperation to protect Kel
he had aided and abetted his father’s plans. Joren’s only comfort was that Neal
had hinted that Sir Myles the spymaster and the Lioness’ husband were watching
his father and his cronies and the obvious display of the king’s watchful gaze
through the Progress. Daragh went to pat Joren on the back for a job well done
when Joren halted him. “No,” he said icily. “I want no part of this folly you
all are participating in,” Joren finally said aloud.
                Daragh was taken aback. “You can’t mean that Joren, your father
has worked so hard for this. It’s everything we believe it! Don’t tell me
you’ve gone and become one of those blasted Progressives?”
                Joren thought for a moment about what he really did believe.
Did he believe what his father had drilled into him, or did he believe in this
new world Kel was barreling into and creating? “I don’t know what I am, all I
know is that I don’t believe in this,” Joren motioned to Daragh and then turned
on his heel and went to search out Kel. In his soul searching he came to a
surprising conclusion. He loved Kel. The sudden revelation stopped him in his
tracks. Joren searched his thoughts to pinpoint the exact moment his feelings
for Kel changed from concern and friendship to this. He couldn’t, all he knew
was that Kel had grown on him like a weed, choking him.
                If circumstances were different Joren would have been happy to
confess his feelings to Kel, she hadn’t actively tried to change him like so
many before her. She accepted him flaws and all and then somewhere along the
way he had become a better person just by being around her. But because of this
Joren knew he could never tell Kel, he was a dead man walking. He was halfway
in the grave, he couldn’t pretend the vision the Chamber had shown him was
nothing any longer. He couldn’t ignore the position he was in because of the
people he had surrounded himself for so long. Joren was no good for Kel and he
realized that now. Perhaps if he started to pull away from her now he could
spare her the grief she might feel when he died.
                Resolved in his decision Joren decided to slowly start pushing
Kel away, she had Neal now, he could help her much more than he could, and
whatever feelings she had for him would fade quickly. Joren was well aware of
her crush on the idiot Masbolle.
                He was interrupted from his thoughts when Kel harshly called
his name, having sought him out to give him a piece of her mind. “How dare
you,” she hissed accusingly.
                “Kel I’m sorry I swear I didn’t know Daragh was going to do
that,” Joren confessed.
                “Oh I’m sure,” she answered sarcastically. “He just up and
decided all on his own to yield to me. I’m not that stupid Joren!” She was
practically shouting now, drawing attention to them. He quickly grabbed her arm
and led her into a row of tents for some semblance of privacy. She fought him
the whole way and jerked her arm from him when they arrived before he had the
chance to release her.
                “Kel-”
                She cut him off. “I thought I could trust you!” She was close
to tears now, unable to school her features into her Yamani Mask. Her hazel
eyes were bright with hurt and accusations. It broke Joren’s heart.
                Joren was silent. He wanted to reassure her she could trust
him. He wanted to tell her he loved her. There were so many things he wanted to
tell her, but instead he stared back at her unable to speak. Unable to move.
                Kel was fuming. He wasn’t even denying he had betrayed her now.
Kel was kicking herself; she should have known that all of this with Joren
would blow up. Angry at herself for believing anything Joren said to her she
made a decision. “This…” she paused trying to think of an appropriate word,
“friendship or whatever between us is over.” She declared and in that moment
Joren’s heart shattered but he did nothing to stop her. This was he wanted,
just not so suddenly. Maybe it was for the best though; get all the hurt out
now so there was none for later.
                “As you wish[1],” Joren conceded and walked away leaving Kel
stunned.
                She was hurt that he could walk away from her so easily. They
were friends. Joren had been there for her when she couldn’t even trust her
friends with the secrets she kept. She had come to depend on him, had started
to think maybe she felt more for him than friendship, after all they had become
closer recently. She thought back to that night with him in her tent, the
memory now tainted with her anger. She felt used. Fighting back tears she fled
for the safety of her tent as if the thin canvas walls could shield her from
the overwhelming emotions pouring through her threatening to consume the tiny
bit of herself she had reclaimed from her depression.
 
 
                Hours later Kel found herself staring at the flames dancing in
the pit where the Own was camped. So deep in a trance she started when a hand
came to rest heavily on her shoulder.
                “Hello Mother” Dom greeted in jest moving to sit beside her.
Kel didn’t speak, she acknowledge him with a small nod and returned to staring
at the fire. “Imagine my surprise that I was not the only soul awake in this
area, though I’m on watch duty and you are simply turning down some much needed
sleep.” He tugged a strand of her short hair teasingly. “So what’s on your mind
Kel?”
                She shrugged noncommittally.
                “Ah that’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.” Dom
replied good naturedly, “I’m more than capable to talk enough for the both of
us.” He flashed a bright smile. “So I’m thinking your being upset has something
to do with what happened this afternoon with Daragh.”
                Kel made no move to confirm or deny his words.
                “And I’m thinking that has you feeling pretty worthless at the
moment.” He continued “but Kel who gives a shit what those idiots think. All of
us here in the Own and many others know how wonderful you are. You’re strong,
caring, talented, beautiful-”
                He stopped abruptly when she turned her head sharply to look at
him in confusion. “You think I’m beautiful?” She asked in a small voice.
                Dom let out a small laugh. “Of course I do. I told you I wanted
to court you didn’t I?”
                Kel studied him a moment before turning away again to gaze at
the fire. Unable to meet his eyes she said “I wasn’t sure if you were serious
about that.” She admitted. “I thought you’d lose interest when I turned you
down.”
                “Was that what you were hoping for?” Dom inquired, his fingers
gently sliding under her chin to make her look at him.
                “No.”
                That was all Dom needed to hear, he kissed the squire for the
second time reassuring her of his feelings.  When he pulled away he looked
serious, though a smile did tug at the corner of his mouth. Kel chewed on her
lip in thought while Dom began to speak. “I’m sorry. I got caught up for a
moment. I know you said you wanted to wait till you had your shield. I respect
that. I won’t do anything like that again I promise-”
                Kel ceased his rambling with a soft kiss she placed on his
mouth. “What if I changed my mind about waiting?” She asked, worrying her lip
with her teeth again. Since Joren was out of the picture now she could act on
her feelings for Dom. There was no sense in delaying him any farther if he was
serious in his pursuit of her, which she was sure he was.
                “Are you sure?” Dom asked. “I don’t want to distract you from
your goal Kel.” He told her hesitantly. His chest full to bursting with
happiness he tried to restrain. “You don’t need to make any sudden decisions
especially when you’re upset.”
                “Dom I want to be with you.” She reassured him lacing her
fingers through his to hold his hand. They sat in silence for several minutes
unaware they were being watched by a pale blond who was happy for the girl
squire even though his heart was breaking.
               
 
 
 
[1] Princess_Bride. Dir. Rob Reiner. Perf. Cary Elwes. 1987.
 
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