Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10154204.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Major_Character_Death, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Draco_Malfoy/Harry_Potter, Sirius_Black/Severus_Snape
  Character:
      Ginny_Weasley, Luna_Lovegood, Remus_Lupin, Albus_Dumbledore, Tom_Riddle,
      Voldemort
  Additional Tags:
      Explicit_Language, Drug_Use, Mpreg, Out_of_Character, Sexual_Content,
      Threesome, Humor, Parody
  Collections:
      HPFandom
  Stats:
      Published: 2006-06-10 Words: 3957
****** A Pointlessly Sarcastic Story about Nothing At All With a Longwinded
Title to Try to Make Up For It ******
by red rose of slytherin [archived by HPFandom_archivist]
Summary
     Crack!Fic, making fun of Veelas, MPreg, GinnyHarry, and the like.
     Rather pointless but hopefully amusing. Main Pairing is HarryDraco,
     by the way.
Notes
     Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally
     archived at HP_Fandom, which was closed for health and financial
     reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its
     works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I
     e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but
     may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator,
     please contact me using the e-mail address on HP_Fandom_collection
     profile.
Author: Rose
Beta: Angelbitch
Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter or the mixed up letters, or even pig
latin. A lot of the ideas in here are taken from annoying fics which I feel
give Harry-Draco a Bad Name. If you feel I am bashing your fic, well, I’m
sorry.
                       --Thisisthestartofthestoryfoo’--
Harry, Ron and Hermione were all sitting around in the library. Hermione
flipped her now blonde hair over her shoulder and chewed on a perfectly
manicured nail, somehow managing not to smear her pink lipstick. She then
crossed her legs in a movement that caused her short skirt to ride up on her
muscle toned and incredibly tanned legs so that almost all of her firm thighs
were visible. Ron almost fell out of his chair, very glad that his wizard robes
hid his boner. Yes, Ron was dressed in a wizard’s attire and Hermione in muggle
clothes. Got a problem with that? Huh? HUH?
Didn’t think so.
Harry sighed and blew a strand of his hair out of his eyes in boredom, flipping
through a random book. He looked incredibly hot. Ginny, who was watching from
behind a bookcase in a creepy-stalkerish way, had such a monumental orgasm that
she died. Yup, that bitch straight up died. But back to The Platinum Trio (they
got upgraded).
“Dude,” Ron said in his new, American-ized way. “What the hell is wrong with
you? Are you whacked out on the ‘shrooms? ‘Mione just did a very provocative
thing and you didn’t attempt to do the do with the foo’.” He sat back, very
proud of his newfound-totally-out-of-wack rhyming skills.
“He speaketh the truth.” Quoth that femme fatale called Granger. “Thou did not
react to my most stripping tease, a sin most unholy. My dear Harry, I fear thee
must needs be gay.” She said solemnly. Ron nodded.
“Lies!” Luna wailed in a voice more haunting than a banshee, her grief more
palpable than a Harry-Ginny fan when confronted with a Harry-Draco story.
“Oh. Ok then.” Harry said, not really caring. Why should he? It was not as if
he could understand what the hell his friends were talking about anyway. Maybe
they’d been hexed.
“His voice!” Hannah Abbot exclaimed in rhapsody. “So deep, so strong, so
wonderfully Harry-ish! And that physique! Simply marvelous! Such tan skin! Such
brawny limbs! Oh my heart! Oh my –Explicit-!” She was promptly bitch-slapped by
Justin Flinch Fletchley and the two went back into the Flufflepuff common room
to be comatose until needed again.
“Harry, dawg,” Ron said, stretching casually to try to mask the fact that he
was attempting to feel Hermione up under the table. “You’re my home skillet
biscuit and all but, face it bro’, you gots gay cooties and so keep away from
my ass.”
“He meaneth only his donkey.” Hermione amended in her censor-like way. “Though
thine ass is most beauteous and I would be sore disappointed if ’twas raped by
that epitome of Saviorness, that Harry Potter….eth.” Harry looked at both of
them as if they were insane. Which they were.
“Um, that’s nice. I think I’m going to find out my homework or something.” He
finally said. As he was walking out, he noticed Ginny’s corpse. He wondered if,
perhaps, he should report it or something, but was distracted by a smell. It
was like no other smell he’d ever smelt before. It was exotic, like cinnamon
toast and barley and cauliflower and ice cream and good pussy on a rainy day
and chocolate and compost and dead roses and a garage and mint all in one. It
was amazingly good. He followed the smell all the way to…Draco Malfoy!
“Malfoy!” Harry shouted, practically apoplectic merely from seeing that boy.
The boy, by the way, was blonde and hunky and pale and his face was kind of
pointy and my god everyone just wanted to jump his bones! He was holding his
fans at bay with his wand while making sure his hair was just so.
“Oh goodness, it’s The Slightly-Tarnished-Fake-Silver Boy!” Malfoy said. Harry
nearly kicked him.
“It’s Platinum Boy!” He corrected angrily. “I had to pay extra so use the damn
title! Now why do you smell so good?” He snapped. “And why is everyone suddenly
attracted to you?”
“Do I look as if I give a rat’s ass about your titles? I don’t smell, Scarhead,
that’s the combined aromas of all my admirers. In addition, I’m a Veela, idiot.
I just came into my own, came into my inheritance, all that.”
“Lies!” Luna wailed in a voice more haunting than a banshee, her grief more
palpable than a Harry-Ginny fan when confronted with a Harry-Draco story.
“A Veela?” Harry was perplexed. “I didn’t know they came in male form.” He
said. Draco moaned and not in a good way either.
“God you’re a dumbass. How do you think we reproduce? FPreg?” Harry blushed,
feeling stupid, an not entirely sure what 'FPreg' meant.
“Well why are you telling me all this?’ Harry finally demanded. “I obviously do
not care.” A weird look came into Draco’s haunting eyes which were blue, no
gray, no grey, no silver, no hoar. Harry was astounded by that thought. “And
what’s hoar?” He asked. “It had better be a color!” He warned.
“Hoar is a kind of grey, but it’s more fun to say. A few of my fans have
decided it’s my eye color. Anyway…” Suddenly Draco started stalking toward him,
pupils dilated and licking his lips. “I am telling you all this….” He said,
voice husky. “Harold James Potter,” Harry’s neck was prickling. “Because you
are my intended mate.”
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!” Harry shrieked shrilly. “It’s horrible! It’s disgusting!
Help me! I’m being raped! I need an adult! Dumbledore! Help me! Voldemort!
Control your vermin! I need an adult!”
“Harry,” Draco said. “Please, calm down. I am not touching you. Please, if you
reject me I will die. In fact, unless we have a whole lot of gay sex within the
next hour, I’ll die.” Harry turned red to his penis. Er, ears, I mean.
“Really? Wow. Well, er, I guess being, uh, the Chosen One and savior of, um,
everyone, I should, uh, save you and, um, do it.” He said awkwardly. Malfoy
stared at him a second before breaking out laughing.
“I can’t believe you thought all that shit was true! Wait until I tell Pansy
and Blaise!” The boy laughed, falling down laughing, spreading his legs
laughing, giving Harry and excellent view laughing. Harry couldn’t enjoy said
view though; he was too ashamed and upset to notice.
“Yeah…funny…” He said sickly before turning away. Malfoy glanced at him.
“Oh, if you still want to have sex we can do it. You wanna?” Harry turned
around with a grin.
“Do I ever!” So they did.
“Lies!” Luna wailed in a voice more haunting than a banshee, her grief more
palpable than a Harry-Ginny fan when confronted with a Harry-Draco story.
As they were cleaning up they again noticed Ginny’s corpse, as in their passion
they had rolled all the away from the admirers back to the library. Draco
glanced at it.
“Ew, it’s a Weasley.” He said, spitting on her corpse, which caused the cadaver
to have posthumous orgasm. Harry was filled with indignation.
“How dare you! Even though Ron has started speaking like a Poser from the U.S.
of A. and Ginny was stalking me even when I was wiping the wee-wee off my pee-
pee, the Weasleys are still my friends!” He shouted.
“Do I look like I give a flying fuck?” Draco inquired.
“Well you could try and be a little-a flying fuck? Is that even possible?” He
wanted to know.
“With a few charms it is. I’ve heard it’s quite erotically thrilling. Want to
try it?”
“Do I ever!” So they cast the spells and it turned out that, despite what he
said, Draco really did give a flying fuck. A good one too. In their ardor they
forgot about Ginny’s corpse once more.
“Well Harry,” Draco yawned in post-sex bliss. “We have had sex twice. You know
what that means.” Draco said. Harry glanced at him.
“Uhh…no?” Draco mimed shock.
“It means we’re going to have a baby and since you bottomed, you’re going to
have it.” He informed the other boy maliciously.
“I bottomed? Really? I didn’t notice.” Harry said then processed the rest of
what he had said. It was a little slower getting through because it had to take
a poddy break. How cute. But now it was through and Harry nearly fainted.
“Pregnant? Are you fucking kidding me? I DON’T WANT TO HAVE A BABY! No! I’ll
get fat! It’s horrible! I’m having contractions! Oh shit! Where the baby gonna
come out? Where did it grow? Help me Draco!”
“Oh hello Harry.” Dumbeldore said, appearing a twinkle of eyes. “You do look a
little uncomfortable, but that’s probably because Voldemort just launched an
attack on the castle and I, being a random bloody wanker, have no idea what to
do so I think I’m just going to go masturbate to pictures of candies so at
least I’ll die happy. Good luck and remember, if you rearrange the letters in A
Decimal Point you can get I’m A Dot In Place. Cheers!” He was about to leave
when Draco’s words stopped the old man.
“Well, if you rearrange Astronomer you get Moon Starer.” Dumbledore rose to the
challenge.
“Dormitory to Dirty Room.”
“Desperation to A Rope Ends It”
“The Eyes to They See.”
“The Morse Code to Here Comes Dots.”
“Snooze Alarms to No More Z’s.”
“Earthquake to That Queer Shake.”
“Eleven Plus Two to Twelve Plus One.”
“Mother In-Law To Woman Hitler.” Harry decided this had
gone on long enough.
“Excuse me! I’m in labor here!” He shouted. “I’m about to
attempt to push a baby through my dick and though it’s big it sure as hell
ain’t that big!”
“Lies!” Luna wailed in a voice more haunting than a banshee, her grief more
palpable than a Harry-Ginny fan when confronted with a Harry-Draco story.
“You actually believed that? After you fell for the whole Veela-mate thing?
What are you, slow? You’re not pregnant. Jesus. Placebo effect much?
Dumbledore, it was your turn.”
“Ummm…umm…well you know I’m a famous wizard so I can’t take advantage of my
pupils so we aren’t going to do this anymore!’ Dumbledore said hurriedly.
“Besides, we still have to deal with Oldemort-vay.”
“Why Headmaster,” Snape said, flying through a window in a bat-like way. “I
didn’t know you enjoyed Pig Latin.”
“You know it too? Ow-hay Xciting-ay!” Exclaimed the Headmaster. Snape nodded,
causing Neville to drop dead of fear. Or maybe of some rare disease where his
balls shriveled up and he exploded in his sheer Neville-ness.
Creevy took a picture.
“If I had known you knew Pig Latin, it would have been so much easier to send
spy reports! Oldemort-Vay doesn’t know it and just can’t learn. So, An-cay I
Et-Gay an Aise-ray?” The two walked off in deep, if slightly unintelligible
conversation.
As they walked out the almost tripped over Ginny’s corpse. Snape took some hair
for a potion and Dumbledore gave her a gum drop. The latter was too out of it
to notice anything odd and Snape just didn’t see the point of bringing it up.
“That was really weird.” Draco commented. Harry glanced at him and shook his
head ruefully.
“You mean queer. Believe me. Anyway, MorteVold… um… Volmedorte… er… Doltevom…
oh bugger it, You-Know-Who is attacking. Do you think we should do something?”
“Probably, but if we do it might complicate matters.”
“How so?”
“Well, I’d have to start on his side because I’m following my dear old Dad’s
footsteps and all. This would make you very upset so you’d be distracted and
get in some sort of moral peril, probably at the hands of my father or Aunt
Bella. Then I’d realize I was in love with you and just couldn’t let you die so
I’d save you. We’d fight side by side and then I, being the lover-of-the-
Savior, not the Savior himself, would be hurt in some way that it is obviously
serious but does not detract from my amazing beauty. This would in turn give
you some kind of righteous fury and you’d kill Mold-a-wart.”
“Wow.” Was all Harry could think to say, staring wide eyed at the boy he’d so
recently had both landbound and flying sex with, the same boy who he had
entertained a daydream a few moments earlier about wherein they found out that
Gillyweed meant they could have an aquatic fuck, too.
“And that’s all well and good for you, I mean; you’re always in mortal peril,
its second nature to you. As for myself, however…well, not so much. Not only to
I have to become a traitor and therefore a target for revenge, but in the above
storyline, you obviously live but it isn’t clear whether I do or not.”
“So what do you think we should do?” Harry asked, amazed. How did Draco know
all these things? He could have been useful to have around before.
“Well, we could run or-” But Draco did not get to finish. At that moment there
was a bang and before them stood…Argus Filch!
“That was a bit of a let-down.” Harry observed. Draco nodded and said something
with the word ‘anti-climatic’ involved, but Harry was too busy thinking about
aquatic sex, and how if they had it, it would be anything but anti-climactic.
Boys.
Suddenly, Argus Filch fell down dead. Behind him stood….
“Look! It’s Lord Vulgar-Fart!” Harry shouted, and then thought for a second.
“No, that’s still not right. Umm…Wiggle-Wart, Volderfort, Doldemold…”
“Vandermolt, I think.” Draco offered helpfully. “No, but it does start with a
V. Vagini-Stork, Vigglewiggle, Vacationmeld, umm..”
“It matters not!” Lord Valvodome said in his Ultra Wet-Your-Pants-Creepy Voice.
“For I am going to kill you, Harold Lily Potter!”
“Lies!” Luna wailed in a voice more haunting than a banshee, her grief more
palpable than a Harry-Ginny fan when confronted with a Harry-Draco story.
“It’s Harold James Potter, honestly.” Harry corrected, just about fed up. “And
you’re not going to kill me.”
“Why the hell not?” Vivi-the-wee-wee snapped in his Ultra Wet-Your-Pants-Creepy
Voice.
“Let me get back to you on that.” Harry said, stalling for time. To distract
the Dark Lord, he started to do an impromptu tap dance. “Draco! Help me!” He
said out of the corner of his mouth.
“Ok.” The boy said agreeably. He then lifted up his gun and shot Veralmote
through the heart. Harry gasped.
“That was... wait... what the... what’s going on? How’d you get a gun? And I
thought I was supposed to kill him?” Harry was frightfully confused.
“Well, as to the second question(for I am ignoring the first), Vicky-aborts
found out the prophecy and decide to fudge it a bit.” The supremely hot boy
then pulled up his sleeve, showing a tattoo that said His Equal on it. “A
muggle tattoo artist and a time-turner can do amazing things Harry Potter.”
“Umm…but that still doesn’t explain why all of a sudden…” Harry trailed off;
noticing Draco was point up the dead Ginny’s skirt.
“See that there?”
“Her panties?”
“Behind the panties. It’s a hole. It’s called a plot hole, or a loop hole. I
used them to make this all possible.”
“I thought that was her…umm…her….” Harry found himself unable to say what he
had thought the opening was, and since he couldn’t contest Draco’s explanation,
he just let it stand. “Nevermind. Um, wow.”
“Very.”
There was a long silence.
“Do you think we should clean up the two bodies?” Harry
asked.
“There’s only one.”
“Hey! You’re right! What happened to Viggywiggy’s body?”
“House Elves. It’s bad form to leave dead dark wizards around, Harry.”
“Oh. Well, what about Ginny?”
“Nobody cares.”
“Oh. Well should we clean it up then? If nobody else is, I mean?”
“Why?”
“I dunno…”
“So what do you want to do?”
“Do you know where any Gillyweed is?”
“Do I ever!” So the two boys set off toward Snape’s office. They stopped
outside the door and Harry put his ear to the cold stone. Draco did the same
next to the former Chosen One. They figured Snape was still busy talking to
that Dumb Door, but it was good to be sure. Theirs eyes widened as they heard
voices inside.
“Oh Remus, you beast!” They heard. Harry’s eyes widened. That sounded like
Sirius! But Sirius was…was…dead.
“Take it you dog! Take it!”
A long silence where Draco and Harry eyed one another uneasily. Then…
“Move, godammit!”
“You want me to move?”
“Yes hurry up!”
“Alright, but this might hurt you a little bit…it’ll get harder,
that’s for sure.” Harry, summoning up his Gryffindor bravery, opened the door
and burst into the room to find…
Lupin and Black playing chess.
“Oh, hullo Harry. How are you?” Sirius asked. Harry almost fainted from relief.
“Sirius! We-That is I, we, we thought that, well…” But he
found himself unable to say this, too. He shook his head and
changed the subject. “Why aren’t you dead?”
“Oh that. Well, I wasn’t actually dead. I just was wiped from this mind-blowing
orga-”
“Padfoot!” Remus interrupted with a look. Sirius winced and changed what he had
been about to say.
“Mind blowing organ hex, I mean. It, um, dissolved my organs and um, it took a
long time for them to get back to normal.”
“Lies!” Luna wailed in a voice more haunting than a banshee, her grief more
palpable than a Harry-Ginny fan when confronted with a Harry-Draco story.
“Oh.” Harry said slowly. “That’s, um, great. Why are you two playing Chess in
Snape’s rooms?” He asked. Sirius and Remus glanced at each other.
“I’m just keeping him company while he waits for Severus.”
Remus interjected finally. Sirius glared at his old friend.
“Thanks Moony.” Sirius said sarcastically. “I’m waiting for him because, um,
um, well, to um, hey look Harry it’s a chocolate frog! Go get it!” He shouted,
throwing a chocolate frog out the door, where it began to hop toward freedom.
“But-”
“It’s getting away!”
“But we-”
“Don’t let it escape!”
“We wanted-”
“Hurry, Harry!” Harry glanced at Lupin and Draco for any help
but noticed the two were passionately snogging.
What?
Harry blinked and realized it had only been a trick of the light
or something. Lupin was staring at a painting, acting very
interested in the low décolletage of the girl’s dress. Draco
was the girl.
What?
Harry rubbed off his glasses and looked again. Remus was reading a book called
Barking at the Moon: How to Avoid Werewolf Clichés. Draco was in a staring
contest with the jar of eyeballs.
What?
No really, that was what they were doing. Obviously, Harry was getting no help
from them, so he set off after the chocolate frog. Down a corridor, around a
bend, until he caught it next to the Prefect’s Bathroom. With a shrug, Harry
decided to go in.
“EEEK!” All the Boy-Who-Lived-And-Certainly-Looked-As-If-He-Was-Still-Living
had seen was dark hair and more than a bit of foam before the shriek echoed in
his ears and he clapped a hand over his eyes.
“Sorry, Cho.” He said resignedly. Chang had refused to do her Cha-Cha with his
Chi-Chi so now they weren’t exactly on speaking terms. Harry wasn’t mad
anymore, it was much nicer to have Draco do his…well never mind. Maybe this
would be a good time to repair matters? “So what’s up?”
“Harry, I am trying to, um, do, a, a bath.” Cho sounded breathless and
strained. Harry decided that it didn’t hurt anyone to peek through his hand to
see her. Boys. He was then shocked at what he saw.
“Cho!” He squeaked, dropping all pretenses of not
looking. “What on earth are you doing with Queenie Greengrass? And Sally-Ann
Perks? And Pansy Parkinson? And Lavender Brown? And Padma Patil? And Parvati
Patil? And Hannah Abbot? And Mandy Brocklehurst?” The girls all glanced at each
other, bright red and very, very naked.
“A thousand points to Gryffindor if you pretend this never happened.” Cho
finally said. Harry pretended to think about it.
“Hmmm…a thousand points….that’s a little stingy…” He said slowly. Ho- err, Cho
glared at him.
“Fine. Name your price.”
“A thousand points, hall passes for everyone I want, free use of the prefect’s
bathroom and a bigger room!” he finally said. The girls ducked behind some
bubbles and conferred. They came out looking ruffled.
“Okay, fine. You win. I’ll talk to some people. Now go away!”
Harry nodded and left. As the entrance swung shut, he heard a giggle and a
splash.
Now bored, Harry started to randomly pace the halls. He vaguely wondered where
Draco was, and started to search for him. The blonde wasn’t in Snape’s rooms
anymore (though he didn’t check the bedroom-he heard weird noises coming from
it and it sounded like Sirius…) He wasn’t in the corridor where Theodore Nott
was giving Blaise Zabini a blow job, or the other corridor where McGonagall and
Filch were…
Well what do you think they were doing?
Oh, you thought they were getting it on?
Oops.
…checking for stray Weasley Wizard Wheezes. There was this new one called
Killer Condom which looked harmless but when it was put on clamped down and
wouldn’t come off. Needless to say, it was causing some annoyances. It was not
as popular as the Kissing Condom.
Anyway.
Harry passed Ron and Hermione. Hermione made the sign of the cross and Ron gave
him the finger. The effect was lost since said finger was so laden down with
fake bling-bling that it was too heavy to lift up very high. Harry only rolled
his eyes.
Finally he arrived at the library and glanced down. Ginny’s body was still
lying there, with some muddy footprints from kids coming from their first
flying lessons. Mrs. Norris had peed on it and there was some unidentifiable
greenslime as well. It was really gross. Harry wondered if he should clean it
up. He really didn’t want to but couldn’t really think of anything better to
do. So he picked her up, conveniently forgetting his wand, which was poking
into his ass in a strangely exciting way.
Suddenly Ginny has a spasm and sat up.
“Oh Harry!” She squealed. “It’s you! You saved me! I love you! Marry me and
shower me with adoration until I die in a sugary, tragic way! You’d love that
wouldn’t you?”
“Gag me!” Luna retched in a voice more annoyed than a teacher’s, her disgust
more palpable than a Harry-Draco fan when confronted with a Harry-Ginny story.
“Err…” Harry said, hurriedly setting the redhead down. “Hey, Ginny, we’re
different people you and I, and um, we, can’t, um, and, um, hey Ginny look!
It’s Tom Riddle with his age restored and memory wiped! Go seduce him!” Indeed,
the new Tom was there.
“Tom!” Ginny screamed and jumped the boy, carrying him into some secluded
corner where she could inform him that she was his girlfriend and it was pussy
time.
“Now the only thing left for me to do is gone!” Harry complained. He turned
around to see…
Draco Lucius Augustus Godofsexus Malfoy. With swim trunks on and a handful of
Gillyweed.
Harry’s eyes grew to be like saucers.
“Is that what I think it is?” He squeaked.
“Hell yeah. Wanna head to a water-filled Room of Requirement?”
“Do I ever!” So they did.
                         -Thisistheendofthestoryfoo’-
Please review! Many adoring thanks to my beta: Angelbitch!
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!