Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/923243.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Homestuck
  Relationship:
      Kurloz_Makara/Karkat_Vantas, Grand_Highblood/Karkat_Vantas
  Character:
      Kurloz_Makara, Karkat_Vantas, Gamzee_Makara, Voice_-_Character
  Additional Tags:
      Emotional/Psychological_Abuse, Voice_in_head, Schizophrenia, Mental
      Health_Issues, Humanstuck, Alternate_Universe, Beforus, Sadstuck,
      Seizures, will_add_more_as_it_goes, sad_sex, cry_-_Freeform, sob, puking,
      self_hate, Regret, Depression
  Stats:
      Published: 2013-08-12 Updated: 2014-12-11 Chapters: 4/? Words: 11874
****** A Pause of Thought ******
by PandaSkeleton
Summary
     As if it were bad enough that Karkat was dating his best friend's
     father. It got worse when the man was having mental issues that he
     was trying to help him handle.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
***** The Voices *****
You looked at your hands; the blood was clearly not ever going to be unseen,
even when washed away. He had fucked up, and nothing you do will ever change
that. ‘Not unless you revive them.’ That was something, but they’d never
forgive what you’d done. ‘What’s to forgive, are you really wanting that?’ No,
you weren’t looking for forgiveness, and they’d never forgive you for what
you’d done. ‘How do you know, Meulin forgave you after you deafened her.’ You
shake your head, it wasn’t your fault. ‘Lies, it was your fault. You caused her
so MUCH misery. She can never hear a voice again. Just will have memories of
all the wonderful sounds around and it is ALL YOUR FAULT!!’You fall to your
knees; light shakes envelop your body as you let out silent sobs. You had never
meant for that or any of this to happen. ‘You are the cruelest of all
people.’You nod for a second before almost jumping at the sound of the door
opening.
“Kurloz, are you in here?” You look up at the young Vantas; he frowns at the
look of you and comes over. “Gog, were you having your weird thoughts again.”
He helps you up off the ground and leads you to your bed where you lay down and
snuggle into the covers. “I told you over and over that they are not real and
will never be real.”
“Meulin…” he shook his head at you and sits down on the edge of the bed,
grabbing your hands. You look into his dark brown eyes, that almost seemed red
when in the sunlight, and you could tell he was disappointed in you.
“There is no one by the name of Meulin; she’s a figment of your imagination
Kurloz. For fuck’s sake you have a 16 year old son that you forget the name of
at times, and think that he’s your partner in some dark carnival bull shit. I
swear you have to stop listening to the ICP assholes, it’s going to be the
death of you” He lets go of your hands and leans down to kiss your forehead.
“Please tell me you at least remember our relationship”
“You…you’re my lover, my young….young lover Karkat” He smiles and nods “I’m
sorry, I’ll try to get better.” He shuffles a bit as he lies down next to you
and curls up. You look at him for a bit before wrapping your arms around you.
‘The boy died by your hands before’ You shake your head trying to push the
thought away causing Karkat to look up at you with the saddest and most worried
of looks you’ve ever lay eyes on.
“Are you hearing the voices again?” You shake your head and offer a smile that
he dismisses quickly “You’re lying; you need to start taking your medicine. I
swear they’ll help” You softly sigh. “Kurloz I’m seri-“. You both hear the slam
of the front door “Shit it’s probably Gamzee” He gets up and you watch as he
leaves.
“Gamzee…” he thought over the name trying to recall who it was again. ‘He’s the
boy, or rather troll that you run errands for. He’s a little shit that had ate
so much slime from the recuperacoons that he lost his mind’ Kurloz closed his
eyes trying to think of what he was being told ‘You know, you’re descendant.
STOP BEING STUPID’he shook “Shut the motherfuck up, I know that” He muttered to
the voice ‘You don’t know shit motherfucker, you forgot it all!’ Kurloz ground
his teeth a bit. “I didn’t forget nothing, the damn pills just kee-“ ‘THE DAMN
PILLS AREN’T DOING SHIT. YOU FUCKING FORGOT!!’Kurloz held his head since the
outburst had taken a bit of damage on him. “No I didn’t, I’m remembering
better…it’s just that Karkat is trying to make me forget it all” He sighed and
looked over at the bottle of blue and red pills. “I’m supposed to take 2 every
morning, but I’ve been hiding them” He closed his eyes and turned onto his
back. ‘Hiding them, hah, my ass you are! Gamzee has them. You give one to that
motherfucker without his knowing. He also takes a few while you are lightly
napping.’ Kurloz bit his lap at the unforgivable truth. “Yeah…” He mumbled and
let out an irritated sigh. “I need to sleep” he tried getting comfortable as
best he could. ‘The boy is going to find out you know’Kurloz shook his head.
“No…No he won’t…” He yawned as he finally fell asleep.
 
===============================================================================
 
 
Gamzee looked at Karkat as he came into the living room, he guessed that the
other was visiting his old man or some shit like that. A smile traced onto his
lips as Karkat came over and he set his backpack down and wrapped his arms
around him. Karkat let out a light sob, barely audible and he gripped onto
Gamzee’s jacket, who just continued to hold him close.
“Shh bro, it’s cool. It’s all ok motherfucker” He smiled and pulled away a bit
and wiped the tears from Karkat’s eyes and wiped his cheeks a bit. “Now tell me
Karbro, what’s got you all down in the dumps” Karkat let out a soft sigh and
then leaned forward and rested his head against Gamzee’s chest, He knew Gamzee
didn’t know about his and his father’s relationship, but lately it’s been
harder to keep the secret with Kurloz being sick and loosing himself from
reality.
“Your dad was mentioning some things again” Gamzee led Karkat to the couch and
they sat down together with Karkat lying in Gamzee’s arms. “I’m trying my best
to get him to take his medicine…but I think he’s trying to lose all himself
from the world…and it’s becoming so…so stressful” He sighed and Gamzee played
with his hair a little as Karkat buried his face in his chest.
“Shit bro; don’t get all worried about it. Old dad will all ok, I’m mother
fucking sure of it” Karkat nodded and wrapped his arms around Gamzee and let
out a soft sigh. “Chill alright, also I’m going to be at Tav’s tonight so I
gotta go tell dad” Karkat nodded against Gamzee’s chest on got off of him so he
could get up.
“I’m going to make dinner since I’m staying the night here, I need to make sure
he takes his pills this time” Gamzee nodded and left the room and headed
towards his father’s room. When he went in he noticed that his father had
conked out. He chuckled lightly and went over to the bed and picked up the
bottle of his medication and took out 2 and slipped them into his pocket. “See
you tomorrow old man, start taking your damn pills before I eat them all…and
cus you’re worrying my best friend” Gamzee looked at his dad for a bit longer
before leaving the room. “Well Karbro I’m going to get my things packed and
head out, see you tomorrow afternoon!” he called out to the other before going
into his room to get some things.
 
===============================================================================
 
 
Kurloz woke up to Karkat coming into the room a few hours later, he was
carrying a tray and Karkat smiled since Kurloz was awake now. He came over and
Kurloz sat up in bed and Karkat sat the tray down on his lap and grabbed his
medicine and took out 2 capsules and he looked toward Kurloz with that sad look
that could make a puppy cry.
“Please Kurloz, if you love me and if you care. Please take your medication. It
can be night thing. You can take it with dinner, just please take it” Kurloz
looked at Karkat’s palm where the pills were and then to his face and sighed in
defeat and put his hand out and Karkat smiled and gave him the pills. “Thank
you” Kurloz nodded and quickly swallowed them whole without a drink.
“No problem, now sit with me. I love company” Karkat nodded and sat down at the
end of the bed in front of Kurloz “Also thank you for being here for me” Karkat
looked down with a bashful smile, he wasn’t so used to gratitude since before
this incident Kurloz was a way different man. “And thank you for the food” He
started eating and Karkat would occasionally look up at him and then back down.
‘This tastes weird doesn’t it? Haven’t had food in your mouth since before you
sewn your lips shut’ Kurloz raised a brow; he had food just this morning didn’t
he. ‘Obviously not, you’ve had stitches in your mouth and you bit off your
tongue. You shouldn’t be tasting a single fucking thing’Kurloz stopped eating
and just stared at his food, Karkat noticed and got up a bit to move forward.
“Are you alright Kurloz” he looked at Karkat. “Don’t listen to the voices!”
Karkat put a hand on his cheek. “They are wrong and you know it” he looked into
Kurloz’s sullen eyes and leaned forward pressing his lips to the older man’s
for a second before pulling back. “I love you…and I hate seeing you like this”
Kurloz nodded and put a hand over Karkat’s.
“I love you to and I’m fine, I am” Karkat nodded and Kurloz put the tray on the
side table to let Karkat come forward as they returned to the kiss. Karkat
missed this side of Kurloz and was glad to have back for a little bit. ‘You’re
cheating on Meulin’Kurloz closed his eyes and pulled Karkat closer hearing him
moan lightly. ‘She’d be disappointed in you.‘He separated from the kiss as he
pulled Karkat’s shirt up and over his head. He tossed the Garment to the ground
and leaned his mouth down to Karkat’s neck where he put his mouth over the
sensitive flesh receiving a light moan from his young lover.
“Kurloz…” Karkat was looking towards the roof as he leaned his head back,
giving more access to his neck. Kurloz took it and sucked and nipped at some
spots, straying a bit long at certain areas before going more down. Karkat
ended up moving away so he could lie down and Kurloz had gotten out from
underneath his blanket and continued to kiss and nip along Karkat’s abdomen as
he leaned in between his legs. Karkat darted his eyes down to Kurloz as he
undid his pants. He leaned his head back after a while and lifted his legs up
as Kurloz removed his jeans and tossed them down with his shirt.
“Gog, I could just eat you right up” he chuckled darkly as leaned back up to
Karkat’s face and pressing lips to the other’s. ‘Hah, eat him up. I’m sure
you’d do something like that you fucking psycho.’Kurloz pulled away from the
kiss and looked into Karkat’s brown lust filled eyes. “Will it be alright with
you?” Karkat nodded and let out a light sigh and smiled. ‘You’re really going
to do this, wow, you are fucking disgusting. HOW THE HELL COULD YOU DO THIS TO
HER. SHE LOVED YOU! AND NOW YOU ARE GOING TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE. You’re a
fool. A MOTHERFUCKING IDIOT and this is why she left you. WHY SHE IS NEVER
COMING BACK. Because you hurt her and you’re doing shit like this’Kurloz leaned
forward as he pulled his boxers down and he took the edges of Karkat’s
afterward and yanked them off of him causing him to gasp a little and blush a
bright red. ‘You shouldn’t do this; you’re going to hurt him. You did it
before, actually you killed him before. What’s to say you won’t do it
again?’Kurloz traveled down Karkat’s body, leaving light kisses to his paled
flesh.
“Oh fuck…” Karkat moaned as Kurloz had taken hold of his dick and wrapped his
mouth around the tip and didn’t give much time for teasing before taking him
fully in. Karkat had his hand over his mouth as he suppressed his moans while
Kurloz deep throated him. He would have high pitched moans when Kurloz hollowed
his cheeks as he pulled up and let out loud ones as he would occasionally stop 
to swirl his tongue around the head for a second before taking him in again.
Kurloz pulled his mouth away after a while, causing Karkat to let out a
disappointed noise.  He smiled up at his young lover and leaned back to open up
the bedside drawer. He pulled out a small container of lube and chuckled
lightly at Karkat’s blush. He then proceeded to coat his fingers with slick
gel, all the while as Karkat watched. ‘You do realize your bulge is quite large
and can probably rip someone in half?’Kurloz rolled his eyes and leaned over
Karkat who made a questioning face at him and he just shook his head in reply.
‘You know lube won’t help, bulges have their own lubricant. Are you
stupid?’Kurloz let out a light sigh as he placed his finger down towards
Karkat’s opening, rubbing around the sensitive flesh before pushing in. Karkat
shivered beneath him and let out soft gasp. ‘So you’re going to just ignore me
now. How pathetic can you get?’Kurloz simply closed his eyes as crooked his
finger inside of the tight walls. He smiled at the moan Karkat let out and
repeated the motion. He let Karkat relax a bit before pushing a second finger,
and watched his expression of discomfort until his features showed that he was
relaxing. Kurloz spread his fingers and crooked them every few seconds as he
worked to make him a bit looser.
“Gog, I can’t remember thaa-aaah shit” Karkat hissed out a moan. “Oh fuck….ok…”
he was panting a little as he was worked, and bit down on his lip as he felt
Kurloz pull out his fingers. “Only 2?” Kurloz nodded and leaned back to open up
the drawer again, this time he retrieved a condom. Karkat hid his
disappointment and smiled, he was just glad that Kurloz was being intimate
again.
“You look so thoughtful” Kurloz chuckled as he looked at Karkat who turned a
little red as he looked away “it’s cute” he proceeded to open the square packet
and retrieve the rubber. He noticed that Karkat was watching him as he rolled
it on. “Interested?” he leaned down to plant a kiss on the tip of Karkat’s nose
which caused him to let out a squeak of light surprise and he covered his face
with his hands. “You are too cute sometimes”
“Sh-shut up!”  Kurloz pulled Karkat’s legs up onto his hips more and spread
them so he could position himself right. He was looking at Karkat’s face as he
started to push in, watching as his mouth opened up to gasp. Karkat then let
out a small moan as he felt Kurloz continued to push in until he suddenly
stopped since he knew the other couldn’t take him fully. He stayed still, until
finally leaning down to catch Karkat’s mouth.  Karkat moaned into his mouth as
Kurloz started to move, he’d missed this for so long and with Kurloz’s issues
and his sickness he never could bring himself to have sex with the other. He
felt it was better to wait instead.
Kurloz pulled back as he started to thrust up inside of Karkat, he watched the
many expressions the young man made and hummed at the sounds he was letting
out.  He tried to remember the last time he’d felt this way but couldn’t find
the memory. ‘You’d forgotten everything, EVERYTHING FROM BEFORUS. Shame on you
for forgetting’Kurloz growled and continued to bang his young lover into the
mattress and had noticed the look of pleasure from Karkat when he heard him
growl. He then slowed his pace a bit to lean back down to Karkat’s neck to nip
and suck at the sensitive flesh causing the other to grip at the bed sheets as
shudders ran through his body and he let out louder moans.
“ohh Ku-kurloz…fuck ahh-ahhh!” he moaned as he gripped at Kurloz’s shoulders
and came. Kurloz continued to thrust into Karkat and when he felt his own
release building up he started going faster. He felt Karkat’s shaking and
pushed in deep as he came inside of him, Karkat moaned out in surprise and
light pleasure.  Kurloz had rode out his orgasm and then lay down lightly
against Karkat as they both panted. Karkat sighed lightly and turned his head
to press his lips to Kurloz’s temple. “I..I love you…I love you so much” He
whispered and Kurloz looked at him and smiled before leaning up and pulling out
so he could lay down next to Karkat and pull him close.
“I love you too Karkat” He mumbled as he buried his face into his hair and shut
his eyes. “I’ll always love you” Karkat smiled and closed his eyes as well and
put his arms over Kurloz’s. ‘Committing a crime such as cheating, how shameful
are you Kurloz?’He ground his teeth but ignored the voice and continued to hold
Karkat as he felt him fall asleep. “I won’t let my insanity come between…Not
again” He whispered as he decided to get some sleep as well.
 
===============================================================================
 
 
A piercing sound immersed through the void, a scream fell through afterwards.
Minutes passed before opening your eyes and looking around, you looked down
toward your love and she is passed out. You noticed the blood and immediately
panic and try to wake her. Her eyes flutter open as you yell to her; she seems
confused not knowing what you were saying. She tells you to speak louder, but
you are speaking as loud as you can. Fear crosses over her face and the two of
you leave to get help.
As you both stand before your friend and explain what had happened. You start
to understand the situation more, you had let out a noise so powerful and yet
so awful that it had crossed paths with you beloved. You had deafened her and
it was permanent.
She had locked herself away for a few days as you went about doing what you
thought was equal and right.  You now stood before a mirror after threading a
large needle, and whisper her name one more time before you get to work. You
prayed silently to the messiahs afterwards and then turn quickly when you felt
a hand on your shoulder.  You turn and see that she had come to see you and
watch as she gasps and steps back, she looks down and then you pull into your
arms to reassure her that it is ok.
As time passed from then you found yourself lying on you quest bed. You were
completely alone and starving, so starving that you had started to eat
something in your mouth that you’d never even realized you were devouring.
Blood was pouring from your mouth as you sharp continued to grind down on the
muscle and tearing it open and chewing it like it was bubble gum. The blood was
pouring more and most was now rushing down your throat and a large chunk of the
muscle went down with it and stays in the middle of your esophagus. You start
to choke and tear at the stitches a little but not break them since you had
made your vow to keep the silence. You hold your throat squeezing it to help
get the piece down or up and you throw up a bit toward the side beside your
head but only purple sticky liquid had ran through the stitches as you continue
throw up. You feel pain inside your chest and you start heave more until you
are facing the slab rock on your knees, you fall forward into your own muck and
everything goes dark as your heart lets out its last few beats.
“Welcome to the real world MOTHERFUCKER!!!”
 
===============================================================================
 
 
Kurloz sits up quickly in bed gasping and rushes out almost tripping as he ran
across his room to the bathroom. He then kneels over the toilet and empties
what was in his stomach until only the bitter taste of bile was left. He lets
out a soft sigh and slumps back against the sink. ‘Nightmares? Interesting, I
wonder if they mean something’He growled at the sarcasm in the tone of the
voice and turned his head as Karkat was at the doorway in one of Kurloz’s
shirts.
“Are you…ok?” He glanced at the toilet and sighed lightly as he kneeled down
next to Kurloz and wrapped his arms around his shoulder.  “Get a bath ok, I’ll
go make breakfast…” he mumbled before pulling back and putting a hand on his
cheek. “I love you ok, the nightmares will go away and everything…everything is
going to be ok…” tears welled at the edges  of his eyes but Kurloz could tell
he was willing himself not to cry “now I’m going to go make breakfast, get
clean” he got up after kissing his cheek and left Kurloz alone.
Kurloz flushed the toilet and washed out his mouth before getting into the
shower. He turned it onto hot and had his head down as the water washed over
his body. ‘You know ignoring me isn’t going to make me go away. I WILL ALWAYS
BE HERE. Always and he’s going to eventually realize this and just leave you
cus you are psychopa-‘
“SHUT.UP.’ He growled out as he punched the wall. “Karkat isn’t going anywhere
and if anyone is going to leave it is going to be you. I won’t have you
taunting me anymore” He clenched his fist together as he started washing his
hair. ‘Oh really? I’m going to leave? That’s pretty funny of you to say. Since
you have no clue of who I even am.’  Kurloz looked sighed and realized it was
true. He had no clue as to who was voice and why they were constantly talking
to him.
 
===============================================================================
 
 
Karkat hummed to himself as he flipped a pancake onto a plate and started on
another one. ‘Kurloz was acting weird…Wish those voices would just go the hell
away and leave him alone.’ He sighed sadly. ‘I wish I could do more to help
him, but I can’t think of anything else I could do…’ He reached over to a pot
that was on another burner and gabbed the two packets that was on the counter
and tore them open and poured the contents into the boiling water and stirred
them while the pancake cooked.  ‘I hope that eventually we can have a normal
life together, even though our relationship is far from normal…just it could be
better...’He stirred the grits until they were done and removed the pot from
the stove and put it onto the counter and turned down the dial as he placed a
pan down and cracked a few eggs into it thinking more about what he should do
or what is going on when a thought came to him.
“Wait…what if…what if it’s my fault…”
 
TBC~
***** What a Relapse *****
Chapter Notes
     Been awhile since I updated this haha, anyways I have no beta. So if
     there is any mess up.s ~u~ that's why.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Karkat had shook his head at the thought and finished with breakfast and
started to set the table. Though he still had stress and worry laced into his
features. As if it were a permanent disease when the thought went through his
mind again. ‘It’ll be ok…yeah all ok and hey maybe if I’m lucky he WILL
actually join me for breakfast…’ Karkat wiped away few stray tears that started
to fall down his cheek and then filled up to mugs with coffee. One was black
with a little bit of sugar added and the other was sweetened to the max with
half a shot of tequila joining it.
“Mmm, it smells wonderful in here” Karkat had just put the tequila away and
jumped when he heard the voice. He looked over at his large lover who was
crowding the doorway from the living room, and had only a towel to cover
himself. “Oh, woops did not mean to spook you” he smirked and Karkat rolled his
eyes.
“It’s ok” Karkat went to turn back to finishing with setting the table when he
felt the large arms envelop him. He has gasped lightly when he was turned
around and pulled against the man’s chest.
“You don’t have to worry yourself to death.” he whispered into Karkat’s hair.
“I may not be in the best state of mind, you and I both know this, but causing
pain and stress on your own self isn’t going to help either.” 
Karkat held his breath for a moment and let out a soft sigh. There had been a
lump forming in his throat that he forced down so as to keep from breaking.
“I know…I really DO know, but seeing you like this” He paused when his voice
started to crack and was trying hard not to break down in his lover’s arms. “I
just…I can’t stand it, I really don’t want to lost you…” he mumbled the last
bit as tears started to fall down his cheeks.
“I’m not going anywhere, I promise” Kurloz pressed his face down into the messy
auburn locks and kissed the top of his head reassuringly as the teen had
started to shake and silently cry in his arms. ‘Nice you’ve gone and made him
cry. Feel like an asshole? Yeah, I’m sure you do’ Kurloz repressed the urge to
growl and yell at the voice.
Karkat buried his face against Kurloz’s chest and held onto him as he shook
harder with every escaped sob, as if he were afraid the man would disappear.
Though, he didn’t make much of a sound as he gripped onto the older Makara.
‘You know this isn’t AS similar, but at the same time this reminds me of when
you first met him. He was crying a little then to. What do you think?’ Kurloz
stopped himself from shaking his head and sighed lightly in the mass of
Karkat’s hair. ‘During that first meeting he’d mistaken you for his ex morail
and was on the verge of crying before you stopped him.’
 
===============================================================================
 
 
“GAMZEE!” you turn at the sound of the familiar name, you had been staring off
into the water for what felt like the hundredth time, before almost falling
backwards into said water when some slammed into you in a vice grip of a hug
around your thin waist. “GOG YOU ASSHOLE, I FUCKING MISSED YOU” that someone,
you had noticed, turned out to be much shorter than you and had similar nubby
horns to a sworn celibate, talkative asshole. “How could you say such a
thing…Like last time I saw you, you know…” he started mumbling and was looking
down a bit. “When you said you didn’t want to be morails...” your brows knit
together at what he said and you frown. “I was supposed to be your best bro
gam, we were supposed to have eachother’s back…and you had gone crazy, so I
REALLY had to help!” His voice starts to rise again. “DAMN IT GAMZEE! YOU COULD
HAVE DONE SOMETHING HORRIBLE, IF YOU HADN’T ALREADY” The short troll starts
pounding on chest and you flinch back with each hit. “DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW
MUCH YOU HUR-“
You finally take hold of his assaulting fists and pull them over his head until
he finally looks up at you. His eyes widen in shock and realization at this
point and you feel a slight pain in your chest at the sadness and
disappointment that crosses over his face.
“You’re not…shit…you’re not Gamzee…” He yanks his hands away from your grip on
them. “I-I’m sorry…Your horns looks like someone else’s…” He turns to rush away
but you grab his wrist and keep him there. “LET GO!” He pulls as much as
possible but you keep a firm grip on him as he continues to look away.
You’re completely quiet as the young troll struggles to get away from you with
everything he got, but when all comes to not he just gives up. He sighs and
looks back at you with his lines of bright pinkish red staining his flushed
cheeks before he wipes them away with the back of his sleeve.
“What do you want?” You decide to let go since he’s given up, and he
immediately crosses his arm as if he were ready for an interrogation.
You start to rush through hand signs and gifs as to let him know you worried
about him and to not be upset over your descendent.
“…” He looks completely lost as you finish. “I have no clue what the fuck you
just did there. Or what kind of mumbo jumbo shit you were trying to say.”
You notice a bit of amusement in his voice as he speaks and you smile a bit,
glad that he’s not as sad as he was before.
“Alright well, let’s go with something simpler, hmm?” You nod once. “What’s
your name, and don’t do what you just did. I won’t know what the fuck your
saying. Try something that a troll like myself can fucking decipher in some
fucking easy ass fuck way.”
You mull this over for a moment with thinking through all the forms of
communication you know. You can’t use sign language, since he said he doesn’t
understand what you’re doing. You could go with chucklevoodoos, but having him
actually remember the whole stimulation and process and whatever else goes with
it...Well you’d rather not deal with him having horrible nightmares, headaches
and lots of puking all over the place. So that won’t do. So the last, and less
painful, option to go with. Using your phone.
You pull out you cell phone, and Karkat is looking at the purple casing of it,
making a face at the clown symbol on the back that you and your descendent use.
He traces over the lines through the mouth of the clown face and then glances
up at you.
“Did you…Did you really sew your mouth shut” You pause with your typing and nod
and go back to writing what it is you wanted to tell him. Though it only took a
few more things to write and you’re done, so you hand over your phone to him.
‘My name is Kurloz Makara. I guess you figured that I’m the dancestor of Gamzee
by now. So I’m going to take the stupidly wild guess you came from his session,
though I already knew but whatever on that. Also what I was doing before with
my hands, that’s called Sign language. Those who are deaf or mute, like myself
and Meulin, use this as a form of communication. I prefer it for myself, but
since you have no clue what I’m saying then it’s useless to use around you. By
the way, is the most annoying and obnoxious preacher Kankri Vantas, YOUR
dancestor?’ He frowns when he finally finishes and hands the phone back to you.
“Unfortionatel yes, that asshole shares the same damn DNA with me” You silently
chuckle at the comment, which is just your body shaking as your eyes are
closed. “So…sign language. That’s weird.” You shrug. “Have you actually met
Gamzee or do you just KNOW him?” You frown and start typing again.
‘Yes I’ve met him, and I’d rather not discuss my descendent. He causes my bones
to quiver and shake with the way he is and I’d rather not have that happen with
just talking about him’
“I know what you mean. Though, you never really had to deal with being his
morail. Did you?”
‘Yeah, but he still treats me like I’m shit in the carpet. Even though he
doesn’t realize that if I were more like my post-scratch self then he’d be dead
with his blood spread like a beautiful painting on the wall. His body would
either be raped and mutilated or simply destroyed in some other form’ Karkat
made a disgusted face at that.
“…Let’s get off that topic now.” You nod and wait patiently to type if needed,
“You said you were mute, does that mean you’ve never talked before?”
‘No, I have. I actually used to talk all the time…but something came up. So I
vowed for silence, and here I am. Mute’
“Ok wow...Uh, do you remember what you even sound like?” They sat down on the
lilipad and get comfortable since this was probably going be a long
conversation and it’s pointless to stand around.
‘Well, I don’t entirely remember how it FELT to talk, BUT I do know the sound
of my voice. That is…I know how sounds through the videos on my phone’
“OH, OK…” Karkat looked down at his fingers as you type on your phone.
‘Would you like to see one of the videos, to HEAR how I sounded?’  You smile as
you get your phone back.
“You don’t have to show me” you ignore the comment and go to the media section
of your phone and pull up a video of you and Mituna before your session
started, which was before everything went to shit and both you and Mituna went
through horrible incidents.
“Kur, get over here and record thith will you!” Someone yells, with a bit of a
lisp lacing over their voice. The image jumbles a bit and all you can see Is
the top of Kurloz’s purple boots running across the sand, along with a bit of
hit skeleton tights. The jumbling stops and the Phone is pointed at another
trolls back “Dude look at it!” the troll turns around, his curly hair is
covering his face and all you can see is the biggest grin possible.
In the troll’s hands is a small grub with a bright shade of pink on its thorax
and abdomen. It’s staring at the phone with big pink eyes and looks both
shocked and ready to cry.
“wow, I’ve never seen a grub with such a blood color” The voice behind the
phone is a deep monotone sound. The troll pulls the grub to his chest and
smiles as the Phone is still pointed at him. “Do you think it’s a mutant
blood?”
“No other pothibility” He smiled and turned the frightened grub to himself.
“Ith ok little fella, we’re not going to cull you” The grub let out a loud
screeching noise and the troll almost drops it.
“Damn Mituna, you scared it.” There was a chuckle from behind the phone as it
was adjusted. “The little thing cute, I hope it gets an amazing lusus”
“Yeah, but little thing needth to lay off the noithe” There was another chuckle
behind the phone. “Though I don’t know if it will get one…Conthidering ith all
the way out here” There’s worry that coat’s the troll’s voice as he looks down
at the, now calmed, grub.
“Well if it can’t get a lusus, then I’ll take it in, Goat dad won’t mind. He
often tells me that I need to be much more responsible and take actions into my
own hands after all” There’s pride and amusement in the voice from behind the
phone and the troll that was holding the grub looks up and smiles.
“Well if you don’t get culled for that, then go for it” The phone is taken by
the troll and he trades over the grub to the troll that had the phone. The
camera of the phone is now pointed at the other troll, which turns out to be
Kurloz. He smiles as he holds the grub in his arms. “Kurloz, the Troll Luthuth”
“Oh shut it Mituna” The phone is jumbled a bit as it focuses on you rubbing the
grub cheek and it making a purring noise. “The horns are really cool.” One of
the grub’s horns are pointed straight up, while the other one is point and
split like a snake lusus’s tongue.
“Yeah, ith pretty neat. Altho, what’re you going to do if I don’t thut up?”
There’s amusement in Mituna’s voice as he taunts you.
“Eh, probably nothing. Though you should shut off the phone so we can get
inside”
“Kay”
The video stops and you look up at Karkat whose face is bright pinkish red with
a few tear stains on his cheeks.
“Wow…you had a very amazing voice Kurloz” His cheeks grow a bit darker with
blood, pretty much causing the tear marks to vanish. “I bet you’re even better
looking without the damn clown makeup” He adds as an afterthought and then
covers his face. “Shit ignore that. IGNORE THAT!” You silently chuckle as you
hand him your phone, which you were typing on while he spoke.
‘So I’m not handsome right now?’ You smirk as he hands you back you phone
looking down.
“You look fine now…you really do. You’re handsome!” He looks up at you and you
smile as continues to blush brightly.
‘Too Cute ;o)’ His eyes get wide, and you frown as he looks like someone just
culled his lusus.
“I-I need to go” He turns and gets up to leave but is stopped when a pain rings
through him and he’s gripping the sides of his head.
“STOP!” He turns and looks at you with wide eyes that are now glowing purple.
“I…”
“Shh,_this_is_going_to_hurt_when_I_let_you_out_of_it,_but_I’ll_erase_your
memory_of_it_so_you_DON’T_remember_the_pain” He nods and you take ahold of his
hand and will the memories of it away while releasing him from the trance of
your Chucklevoodoos.
“…?” Karkat blinks a few times before yanking his hand away with a disgusted
face. “Yo-you Freak…” A mix of hurt and paint cross over his face before you
are left alone again.
 
===============================================================================
 
 
“….Kurloz…hey” Kurloz looked around for a moment and then down to Karkat. “I’m
sorry, I didn’t mean to break down like that” Kurloz shook his head and rubbed
Karkat’s cheeks as looked over the Red puffiness around his eyes now.
“It’s fine, you can cry all you want around me.” Karkat smiled and nodded. “I
love you, but I’m pretty sure our breakfast is getting cold” He leaned down and
kissed Karkat before pulling away and going over to the table and sitting down.
Karkat joined him soon after.
The first thing Kurloz did when he sat down was take a sip of his coffee. He
smiled over the rim at Karkat who was drinking from his own mug and hummed
lightly at the taste.
“As sweet as ever. Almost as sweet as you” Karkat blushed and rolled his eyes
at the cheesy comment as he tasted the bitter mix of his coffee.
“Yup just as you like it” He smiled sweetly and they ate in silence after that.
‘Exactly how you like it…’
 
===============================================================================
 
 
Karkat lay in between Kurloz’s legs while they huddled together on the couch
watching some shitty movie. He’s a bit drunk, but Kurloz has yet to notice the
state of mind he is in since he’s too busy watching whatever the fuck is
playing.
“I know what you are….” The female actress on the screen says as she faces away
from the pale teenage male actor.
“Then say it” The male comes up behind her.
“Ugh, he’s obviously a stupid asshole Bella, just go after the hunky tan guy”
Karkat mutters as he leans into Kurloz.
“Why would she do that, the pale boy isn’t THAT bad, maybe stupidly annoying in
that emotional teenage way. The tan guy obviously is just looking to get laid”
Kurloz runs his fingers down Karkat’s sides as he speaks.
“Aren’t all teenagers like that?” Karkat looked up to Kurloz who smirks down at
him.
“Most the time, though teenagers, like yourself, are simply out for a little
adventure with older people like myself” Karkat rolls his eyes and leans up to
press his lips against the ‘older man’
“Yeah, but that’s because you are SUPPOSED to be more mature” He chuckles and
looks back to the tv. “And going after older guys isn’t always good; you can
obviously tell that Edward has some serious fucking mental issues. Jacob….Jacob
is just a hot sweaty beast.” Kurloz rolled his eyes.
“So you prefer the tanner and younger guys?” Karkat shrugged and continued to
watch the movie as Kurloz traced shapes into his back. “Maybe I should tan
then”
“No, don’t!” Karkat sat up and looked down at his older lover. “I like you the
way you are.” He smiles and then jumps when the door slams open and Gamzee
walks by, looking at them and then heading to his room. “….”
“Go to him, he seems to have had a bad time” Karkat nodded and ran off to his
best friend’s room.
“Hey Gam…” He knocks before going in find the older teenager “You ok?” His face
was flushed since he friend just saw him sitting on his dad, but he knew they
were friends and that Karkat took care of him. Hopefully he still believes
that, since he did not want to tell him that he was banging the older Makara.
“Not entirely bro” He sighed and looked at Karkat. “Tav wants to end our
relationship that we got going on. Says I’m too controlling and immature….” He
wiped his eyes with the back of his hand “Do you think I am Kar?”
Karkat shook his head and sat down next to Gamzee on his bed and pulled the
older teen into his arms and rubbed his back.
“It’s ok Gam, Tav has his troubles and you have yours. There are other people
out there anyways” He smiled as Gamzee hugged him back.
“Would you ever go out with me?”
Chapter End Notes
     :o) enjoy next update is whenever I can get to it Since tests are
     coming up.
***** Chapter 3 *****
Chapter Notes
     Chapter 3, finally. Omfg it took so long, but here it is. ^u^
See the end of the chapter for more notes
‘Would you ever go out with me?’
 
Just the fathom of the words made Karkat shudder in guilt. He couldn’t even
think of himself with Gamzee, and the fact that goes on more makes it even
worse. It made him feel like the biggest jerk around, and he didn’t want to
hurt his best friend. Though, he couldn’t say yes. What if Gamzee actually
asked him out for real instead of just theoretically? What the hell would he do
then? But he didn’t want to say no, because then Gamzee would get upset and
think he isn’t worth Karkat’s time.
 
“I uh…Ok, Gam. That is a heavy loaded question” Karkat looked down. “It’s not
that I WOULDN’T go out with you, No that’s not it…Like fuck, you’re amazing and
shit and hell I’d be lucky to be with you.” Gamzee was smiling lightly at
Karkat, but he knew what his friend meant. “I just…fuck Gamzee. I’d rather keep
our friendship than some like fucking dating shit. You know what I mean?”
 
“Yeah, I know bro. It’s cool. Its fine, I’m good. Haha, didn’t expect you to
like flip out and shit on me. Like wow, but no it’s fine ok.”  Gamzee was
smiling lightly and Karkat stood up.
 
“I’m glad you understand Gam, anyways I got to go check on your dad and make
sure he’s ok” Gamzee nodded and Karkat turned away to head to the door. “Take
care alright, listen to music or whatever you like to do”
 
“Yeah I plan to, go make sure my dad didn’t die or whatever.” Karkat left the
room and Gamzee just looked down at his hands before grabbing his ipod and
headphones and slipping them over his ears. “I just wish you would tell the
truth Kar bro….” He mumbled, a few tears rolling down his cheeks as loud music
blasted into his ears and blocked out the sound of the world.
 
 
 
 
Karkat headed down the hall and went into Kurloz’s room after not finding him
in the living room. The man was drawing in one of his old art notebooks, and
sitting down against the wall on his bed. He was humming lightly to tune of
‘Paint It Black’ as he sketched.
 
“Kurly?” Karkat spoke softly as he approached the man.
 
“Hmm?” Kurloz looked up from the pad of paper and Karkat smiled and came over.
“How is he doing?”
 
“He’s fine” Karkat lied and sat down on the bed, trying not to jostle Kurloz
too much. The man nodded and looked back and continued on with his drawing.
“What are you working on?”
 
“My dream...” He muttered. “I was thinking about if I died”
 
“No”
 
“Shhh, I’m doing alright. I just mean that.” He sighed softly. “If I died, no
one would have understood what I truly felt and seen. I know I’m not the same
man anymore, hell I’m not even the same person” He chuckled. “I look at my own
son and think. ‘Who the hell are you?’…Yet I’ve known the child since he was
born, and even looking at you.”
 
“Kurloz…” Karkat mumbled.
 
“No, I want you to listen.” Kurloz continued to draw as he spoke. “I hear one
voice, and only one. I don’t know when this started or how. I just know that
there is a voice that tells me how wrong I am at life. That who I am ISN’T who
I think I am. That I am someone else”
 
“Who do they say you are…”
 
“Kurloz Makara, a troll from a planet named Beforus.” He sighed softly. “That
there was a young girl named Meulin who I had been with before. That I caused
her to go deaf…and then my best friend had an accident happen and had a mental
break down. He had went from a very intelligent and fun loving asshole, then
regressed to the mind of a child with Tourette syndrome. After me and some
other friends went and defeated an evil king, one of them had made a bomb go
off and killed all of us. We then lived inside a place called ‘Dream Bubbles’
until meeting the group you were from. Your group was our dancestors. My son
was MY dancestor. He and I were planning some bad things and were going to kill
off everyone for our mirthful messiah Lord English.”
 
“What the hell Kurloz” Karkat frowned at him and the man just shrugged.
 
“This was my other life Karkat, or whatever the voice says. I don’t really know
if it happened or not” Karkat nodded, but didn’t like what he was being told.
It made him uncomfortable.
 
“What else happened?”
 
“I’m not entirely sure…I just know that at some point I had killed the person
that was you. That your blood was on my hands that a lot of people’s were”
Kurloz looked up to Karkat and reached forward, he gently cupped Karkat’s cheek
and smiled softly at him. “I’m sorry, but could you turn your head just the
slightest” Karkat did so and Kurloz pulled his hand away and continued to draw.
“Anyways, I killed a lot of people and shit happen. May have not happen in
reality or not, in my mind it was a thing.”
 
“Yeah…I understand” Karkat looked at the drawing Kurloz was doing; it was a
detailed picture of himself with horns and pointed teeth. “Do you love me?”
 
“Yes”
 
“Did you love me when you were a troll?” Kurloz looked up again at Karkat who
was smiling shyly.
 
“I…Well I’m not sure, I think I cared for you deeply. I worried for your safety
in ways. Though in that life, I was in love with a female troll. I told you
that. Though, I’m sure if I had gotten to know you…I would have fallen for you”
The man smiled and Karkat felt his heart ache with happiness. This was the
reason why he couldn’t be with Gamzee, he was way too in love with his father.
 
“Can I see it after you’re done?” Kurloz nodded and continued to sketch.
 
 
Kurloz had been drawing for hours and had even gotten up to grab his large pack
of coloring pencils. Karkat went from sitting up watching him, to lying down
next to his lap napping softly. Kurloz didn’t mind, he loved looking over at
Karkat’s sleeping form, and even started drawing that as well but instead as a
troll him.
 
“Dad?” Gamzee cracked open the door and looked at his father who was had just
started packing away his art equipment. Kurloz looked up at Gamzee, he looked
as if he’d been crying. When Gamzee noticed his dad was actually awake, he came
into the room and closed the door softly behind him.
 
“Yes son?” Gamzee sighed softly as he noticed that Karkat was sleeping next to
his father, with his hand gripping the soft material of his pjs.
 
“Is Karkat alright, or at least going to be alright?” Kurloz raised his
eyebrow. “He seems a bit off and it worries me.”
 
“He’s fine as far as I know, just tired I guess…Are you alright?” Gamzee
shrugged and came over and sat down at the bottom of the bed, this was the
first time the two had actually seemed to see eye to eye.
 
“I guess I’m ok”
 
“You guess? What is there to guess about being ok or not. This is something you
should know Gamzee” Kurloz frowned and gently put his art supplies at the side
of the bed. “You can tell me what’s bothering you, if it’s actually anything or
you just feeling like shit”
 
“It’s nothing normal dad, and you wouldn’t understand if you tried” Gamzee
frowned at his father. Kurloz shook and his head and smiled a little, it was a
rare sight to most. Especially Gamzee.
 
“I’m not normal, and you expect me not to understand. My life is pretty fucked
up kid. You could tell me you’ve been fucking a three headed donkey and I
honestly would not be shocked at the realization of how odd my son is.” Gamzee
chuckled softly, not wanting to wake up Karkat.
 
“I’m pretty sure you’d be shocked dad, or at the very least, bothered by what
is bothering me” Kurloz shrugged. “It’s…god dad you’re a shit.” Gamzee frowned.
“It’s about Karkat”
 
“Alright?”
 
“I…ok don’t get upset” Gamzee looked down. “I know that you guys are together
dad”
 
“I didn’t think you WOULDN’T know. The kid is so caring, and he doesn’t even
hide it” Gamzee knew that if his dad wasn’t schizophrenic, he would have said
something completely different. Though, the man has lost it and isn’t himself
anymore.
 
“There’s more dad” Gamzee frowned more at his father.
 
“I’m sure there is”
 
“I…I love him dad, I do.” Gamzee looked down, tears burning at his eyes. “I
hate it, cus I know he loves you and will never love me”
 
“You think that boy, but I believe you’re wrong” Kurloz smiled and rubbed his
son’s back. He felt bad that he’d been causing his son such sorrow, along with
his lover. The two shouldn’t have to feel this way. ‘You’re lying if you
actually care’“No.”
 
“What?” Gamzee looked up, having rubbed at his face while his messy hair had
been covering it.
 
“Uh, nothing son” ‘such a fucking liar, and you can’t help but cause this
little shit such pain’ ‘You only ever fuck up things, and you can’t stop that.
It’s in your nature and always will be. Remember Meulin? Yeah, remember her and
remember all that you’ve done. YOU FUCKING BASTARD’‘You say sorry, and feel
bad, but you don’t mean it’Kurloz was holding his head, Gamzee looked at his
father with worry. “Stop…stop please…” Kurloz muttered, his head pounding with
the added voices. ‘Stop, oh we’re just starting Makara’‘Bring alive what’s
causing you pain. BRING ALIVE WHAT’S CAUSING YOU PAIN. SUFFER’‘And suffer as
though you’ve never suffered before.’
 
“Dad, are you alright?” Gamzee reached for his father, but got his hand pushed
away as Kurloz got out of bed. He was gripping his head, his thoughts were
bring him out of reality. He was gasping and trying to get a grip towards
something physical and was stumbling towards the door. “Dad, what..Dad please”
Gamze had gotten up, rustling Karkat from his sleep as he did so.
 
Karkat rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he heard the distressed sound of
Gamzee’s voice as he looked up and saw Karkat holding his father’s shoulders
and trying to shake him from whatever was taking his reality away.
 
“Kurloz..Gamzee…KURLOZ” Karkat got out of bed when he noticed the man pushed
Gamzee a little and leaving the room. He was still cupping his head, and Karkat
looked at Gamzee. He made sure his friend was ok, before the two followed after
Gamzee’s father. “Kur, are you ok. What’s wrong?” Karkat bit his lip as he
tried to get the attention of the man.
 
“No..please stop…please stop….ple-“ Kurloz fell to the growned, his body
started shaking and started seizuring up. Karkat and Gamzee both reacted faster
and Gamzee used his sleeve as a bind in his mouth so he didn’t bite his tongue
off. Karkat had ran to the phone and called 911.
 
“Hel-“A woman on the other end started.
 
“Ma’am ma’am, please help. My friend’s father is having a seizure. We ne-need
an ambulance. Please hurry….I’m scared, please. Send help. Hurry! Fucking hurry
please.” Karkat was trying to keep his voice as even as possible, but was
fighting off sobs as he spoke to the woman.
 
“Alright calm down, make sure to see that he is stable, I’m dispatching an
ambulance to your location right darling. It’s going to be ok”Karkat nodded as
if the woman could see him.
 
“O-ok…” Karkat gripped the phone and looked over at Gamzee and his father,
Gamzee had tears rolling down his cheeks and was trying to keep his father safe
as his body shook for a couple moments before finally stopping. “He’s stopped
shaking…what do we do until the ambulance comes…?”
 
“If he isn’t on his side, push him onto his side gently. Make sure to check he
is breathing properly. He might puke, but that’s normal sweety”Karkat nodded
and told Gamzee what to do, and Gamzee did so. Kurloz was breathing fairly
normally, but was out.
 
“He…He seems to be fine now…but I still think he needs to go to the hospital.”
Karkat hung up after a little and went over to Kurloz and Gamzee. “I..I hope
he’s ok”
 
“He will be” Gamzee’s voice was rather calm, despite the tears that were still
falling from his eyes. Karkat gently put an arm around his friend.
 
“You ok?” Karkat looked at Gamzee who shrugged. “Gam?”
 
“It’s fi-“ The both heard the ambulance and Karkat pulled away from Gamzee and
headed to the door. A couple men came inside with a stretcher and lifted Kurloz
onto it, Gamzee looked at Karkat before following after. “I’m going with them
since I’m his son…Call your dad to pick you up and I’ll give you updates on his
situation Kar” Gamzee forced a soft smile, and had gripped Karkat’s shoulder in
comfort. “He’ll be ok”
 
“Alright…and I hope so” Karkat watched as Kurloz was loaded into the back of
the Ambulance, and as Gamzee went in after. The doors were closed and when
everything and everyone was loaded they left.
 
There was short calmness after the ambulance had gone, but it was broken as
Karkat fell to his knees and started crying. He had heard everything that
Gamzee and Kurloz were discussing. He felt at fault when seeing the man he
loved break, and even more at fault as seeing his best friend’s heart crumble.
He wasn’t sure what the hell he could do other than cry.
 
And that’s what he had done, he cried for a short while, before calming a bit
and calling his brother to pick him up. He told him what had happened to
Kurloz, but didn’t say no more and just locked up that house and waited. He
wasn’t sure if he could walk over to his own house without turning back and
laying down on Kurloz’s bed and crying more. So this was his best choice.
 
Chapter End Notes
     Did you cry? Tell me if you did and tell me what you think. I wanna
     see the reviews coming in like candy on halloween. Halloween passed
     though? So what,
     ^u^ Also tell me about any screw ups I had or if I should add
     anything to any of the future chapters.
***** Made A Regret *****
Chapter Summary
     Gamzee has stayed with his dad in the hospital and contacts Karkat at
     a late time to come get him. More may ensue than intended
Chapter Notes
     Welp, been a month. Gave you TWO chapters of Royaltystuck and
     drabbles before getting this out @n@ Sorry but not sorry. I hope you
     enjoy <3
See the end of the chapter for more notes
It had literally been two weeks without a word from anyone; Karkat had started
working on his school work since he’d failing a little to do so. He actually
managed to catch up with all his missing work with the help of his brother.
Though, it’d been rough with how much he’d been worrying about Gamzee and his
father, but on Sunday he’d finally gotten a text from his friend.
 
It was actually what woke him up, he’d been sleeping at his desk when the loud
buzzing and soft tone of ‘Little Lion Man’ started to fill the silent room. He
slapped at the phone for a few moments before unlocking it and staring at the
bright screen, only to sit up moments after in a panic.
 
‘He wasn’t looking too great for a while bro, like woah…I was pretty worried
for the old man there. Now he’s in a coma, doctors said he might be ok, but
when he wakes up and recovers they’ll be sending him to a mental institute…Kar
bro…I’m scared…I’m actually scared, and had been crying earlier from how scared
I was. I dunno what to do bro, and I think if I type normally you might answer
me fully and like come get me…please…I need you...
 
I need you’
 
Karkat’s heart ached at the text and he sent his reply in a quick manner. He
didn’t feel like capsing it, if Gamzee was going to be serious. Then he will
to.
 
‘Alright, I’m going to wake up my brother and we’ll come get you. I’ll be there
asap, please wait out front. I’m coming, and it’s going to be ok.’
 
‘Thank you :o(‘
 
‘Don’t sad face Gam, it’s going to be alright. I just talked with Kankri, he’s
getting dressed now and we’ll be there soon’
 
‘Ok, :’o(‘
 
‘Gamzee!’
 
‘:o) Ok ok, I’ll be serious now. Just still feeling like shit, like bro. What
am I going to do? I have nowhere to go and dear old dad is going to be locked
away.’
 
‘Yeah…if you want, you can come stay with me and my family. We’re here for you.
Also I’ll be there in 20’
 
‘Alright cool. Just…Keep talking to me, I can’t stand the silence’
 
‘Yeah, I get you on that’
 
‘I’m sorry for not saying anything though, I’ve been just sleeping at the
hospital in dad’s room. They had an extra bed, and the nurses said that I need
to go home and get better sleep, so I gave my dad’s nurse and doctor my number
and also yours so they can contact us…I had also told them about dad’s
situation…It’s why they want to put him away’
 
‘Oh..’
 
‘I’m so sorry Kar…’
 
‘No, he needs help. It’s understandable’
 
Karkat sighed softly and looked at his brother who was calmly humming to the
music he’d put on. His brother had stopped and glanced at Karkat when they were
at a red light and frowned.
 
“Are you going to be alright Karkat?” His brother knew a little of his
situation but not all of it, and wasn’t going to ask questions in case it would
bother him.
 
“I don’t know, I’m worried about Gamzee and his dad…” Karkat looked at the
texts.
 
‘Karkat…I’m sorry’
 
“Well, whatever happens, happens for a reason Karkat, you can’t stop it. I know
it’s hard to accept, but you will just have to suck it up and deal with it.”
Kankri frowned and turned down the music. “I hope you understand that and don’t
get upset, I do want what’s best for you. But I can’t always be there when you
need me, you were lucky I was at home. Even luckier you didn’t wake up Cronus.”
 
“Sorry…”
 
“Don’t say sorry when you aren’t, it’s disrespectful and I honestly could care
less right now. Cronus can sleep or wake up, doesn’t matter. You just need to
understand that next time I might not be home.” Karkat nodded. “I have to be
strict with you, I hope you understand”
 
“I do…”
 
‘It’s ok, and why are you saying sorry?’
 
‘Cus I told them :o/’
 
‘It’s ok, I don’t care Gam. As long as you’re alright, and he’s going to be ok.
Then you shouldn’t be sorry’
 
‘Ok..’
 
Kankri parked and Karkat got out as he noticed Gamzee outside of the hospital
with his phone illuminating his face. Gamzee looked up when he heard the
footsteps and stood as Karkat rammed into him and wrapped his arms around the
tall boy.
 
“Fuck Gam, are you ok?” Karkat wiped the tears from Gamzee’s face and hugged
him. “It’s ok, it’s ok. Shh, don’t cry” Gamzee laid his head on Karkat’s
shoulder and held onto him for dear life.
 
“I…fu..fuck…” Gamzee was gripping onto the back of Karkat’s shirt and was
sobbing.
 
“Gamzee shh, it’s ok” Kankri had stayed in the car and was watching the scene,
he hoped his brother and friend were going to be alright. He worried for them,
and didn’t like seeing his little brother hurting.
 
I know..I know Kar…Bu- but god damn bro…He-he’s going to be taken away…what am
I gonna do bro…” Karkat rubbed his back and lightly kissed Gamzee’s head and
tried to comfort.
 
“My brother’s waiting in the car, we should go. We’ll talk about it in my room”
Gamzee nodded and pulled away and rubbed at his face. “You messed up your make
up…”
 
“I haven’ re-applied it…” Gamzee looked down and Karkat’s rubbed Gamzee’s
cheek. “Sorry bro…I’m feelin’ all shitty, and waking you up and all that bro…”
 
“It’s ok, Come on” Karkat grabbed Gamzee’s hand and led him back to Kankri car,
and got in the back with him. They buckled up and Gamzee put his head on
Karkat’s shoulder and held his hand.
 
“You two going to be ok back there?” Kankri looked at them through his rearview
mirror and Karkat nodded. “Alright” Kankri turned on the car and turned up the
music and they listened to Ludo all the way home.
 
===============================================================================
 
When they got home Karkat took Gamzee to his room and Kanri went to his own,
Karkat made Gamzee change into cleaner clothes, some that he’d left there from
one of the times he’d spent the night.
 
“Are you going to be ok?” Karkat was lying on Gamzee’s chest and was curled up
against his friend who sighed softly and played with Karkat’s messy auburn
locks.
 
“I dunno Bro, maybe” He sighed and kissed the top of Karkat’s head. “I’ve never
had to deal with this kind of shit…and I really just want to distract myself
from it” Karkat rubbed his friend’s chest softly; he wished he could do
something to help him but he had no clue how. “Kar..?”
 
“Yeah Gam?” Karkat looked up at Gamzee who leaned down a little and lightly
pressed his lips to Karkat’s. “Gam…” Karkat frowned; he didn’t want this to
move on any further because he knew it’d be total fucking mess up.
 
“I know…but please Karkat” Gamzee had this sad tone that broke Karkat’s heart
and put him at a standstill. He didn’t think it would be right to take
advantage of his best friend like this, but at the same time his best friend
wanted to. “Please…”
 
“Gam…I…” He bit his lip and let out a soft sigh and gently returned the soft
kiss. They softly kissed for a few moments, Karkat allowing Gamzee to trail his
fingers under his shirt. They were cold against his skin, and he felt a knot
form in his stomach that was filling with guilt.

Gamzee traced his lips down Karkat’s cheek, leaving small kisses. He got to his
ear and breathed softly; causing small shivers to run down Karkat’s body, and
nipped softly at the lobe of his ear before finally whispering.
 
“Can..I?” Karkat blushed and looked to Gamzee and then to the other side. He
took a moment, but finally nodded. Gamzee on the other hand took not a second
and had gotten up, and moved so he had better access to kiss him. He took his
time removing Karkat’s clothes, but not too much. Just enough, so he didn’t
seem too eager for it
 
Karkat let himself daze out so he didn’t think over what was going. He didn’t
want to realize how horrible he was for allowing this to happen, or how awful a
person he was. He would allow it to happen and hate himself for it later.
 
“I love you” Gamzee muttered and trailed kisses down Karkat’s Cheek and neck
and down his chest. “God…Kar…” He whispered against his skin and led his lips
down, he’d noticed his friend’s absence from what was going on but did not care
at the moment.
 
Karkat let his mind wander a bit and let himself think of this as Kurloz
touching him instead and kissing his body and stomach…instead. He could feel
lips at his hips, kissing softly against his skin as his pants were undone and
removed. His boxers discarded soon after. A gasp fell from his lips as he felt
a hand take hold of his half hard cock.
 
“Such beautiful noises…” Gamzee muttered, and Karkat continued to think of this
as his older lover, imagining the man’s larger and rougher hand moving and
making him grow harder, causing moans to rip from him. “I just want to hear
more” He licked a line up Karkat’s member, causing him to groan out a little
louder.
 
“F-fuck…” Karkat mumbled and almost went to put his hands in Gamzee’s hair, but
instead gripped the bed sheets underneath him.
 
Gamzee looked up at Karkat, eating up the sight of his friend’s flustered face
and stammering. He wanted to continue to see this, but knew that what he was
doing now might be the only time he can. He wanted to please his friend, and
make him happy….he didn’t want to see the broken look that he’d witnessed
before getting into the ambulance. He didn’t want to see the pity and hurt in
his eyes after asking if he’d ever go out with him. He just wanted to see his
friend smile again, and be happy…and maybe love him.
 
“Nnng…” Karkat bit his knuckle to stop letting out too loud of moans. Gamzee
sucked softly on the side of Karkat’s shaft, licking up and the sucking a bit
on the tip. “ahh…oh fuck-fucking shit!” Karkat gasped out.
 
Gamzee continued to suck and tease karkat’s sensitive skin until pulling back
and looking around. Karkat sat up, knowing what his friend was looking for and
opened his drawer. He pulled a bottle of lube, that he was given by Cronus who
had said ‘This will come in handy lil bro’ and then went to his older brother’s
room. It was awkward, but weirdly enough true which Karkat didn’t expect at the
time since it was about a year ago and he was even having sex at the time.
 
“Damn bro, you’re prepared” Karkat nodded and tossed the bottle to Gamzee. He
laid back down and covered his eyes, he really couldn’t believe he was going
through with this.
 
“Gam…” Gamzee had opened the bottle and was about to pour the contents into his
hand but had stopped.
 
“Yeah?”
 
“Can I get on my hands and knees…” Karkat mumbled and Gamzee nodded, moving
back to let his friend get into position. Karkat had settled onto his knees and
gripped the covers under his hands. He wanted to puke from the guilt that
rolled in his gut, but he kept himself as calm as possible and steadied himself
and let Gamzee work his fingers inside of him.
 
“You doing ok Kar?” Gamzee asked, not fully sure of the moment, and Karkat
nodded. “Alright…” Gamzee concentrated on trying to make Karkat feel good, and
was relieved to hear the soft moans from his friend. He worked in a third
finger and curled them just slight and heard the gasp and shocked groan from
Karkat, realizing a second after that he’d just pressed into the lovely bundle
of nerves inside of him. “You sound so wonderful Kar…I love it..” He muttered
and Karkat just nodded once more.
 
When Gamzee pulled out his fingers, Karkat’s stomach dropped. ‘This is it…He’s
going to do it…Fuck…Fuck…Fu-‘ Karkat was brought out of his thoughts when he
felt the tip of Gamzee’s cock start to penetrate him. He softly mewled as
Gamzee pushed in. Karkat tried to focus on how good it felt, and not on the
actual situation. He allowed himself to moan and groan and just generally let
out noises as his best friend continued to thrust in him. The moments just
passing in a daze of soft pleasure, and hidden guilt.
 
He could feel Gamzee get closer to release when he started thrusting in just a
bit harder, as if to push himself over more quickly and it wasn’t too soon that
he could feel himself getting filled. He hadn’t realized that his body was
shaking a little until Gamzee pulled and made him lay down.
 
“Kar, I’m going to finish you off alright?” Gamzee smiled as he wrapped his
hand around Karkat’s cock and worked on getting him off. Karkat hadn’t last too
long, imagining this was all Kurloz to help him.
 
They were breathing softly and laying down next to each other in the soft daze
of after sex. Karkat looked at Gamzee who seemed to be sleeping, so he decided
to get up. He pulled on his boxers and left the room, heading down to the
bathroom that was downstairs. He ended up puking and crying from the guilt and
just stayed in the bathroom for the next hour to let himself feel all of the
regret he just made.
 
Gamzee on the other hand opened his eyes after Karkat left, and put his hand
over his face. He shouldn’t have initiated that, he knew how Karkat felt and he
fucked up. He could hear the awful sounds from downstairs and all he could
think of was how Karkat constantly moaned out ‘Kurloz…Kurloz please…’. Just the
thought of it broke his heart, and he ignored it and didn’t mention it
afterwards. He felt like shit, and wished to be back at the hospital in his
dad’s place instead. Maybe then Karkat would be happier.
 
“God damn it…” He mumbled, feeling tears rolled down his cheeks. “Why can’t you
just love me….”
 
Chapter End Notes
     If you are crying, then I did my job. If not...I need to try harder
     ;o)
End Notes
     :o) That wasn't too bad was it. I do apologize if it seemed like a
     short chapter ~o~. I never really know haha. anyways I hope you guys
     enjoyed it and hopefully the next chapter won't take too long to be
     posted <3
     Also I'd love reviews, I want to know what guys thought and felt
     about it :o)
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