Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/148253.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      CW_RPS
  Relationship:
      Chad_Michael_Murray/Jared_Padalecki
  Character:
      Chad_Michael_Murray, Jared_Padalecki, Sophia_Bush
  Additional Tags:
      Alternate_Universe_-_High_School
  Stats:
      Published: 2011-01-04 Words: 23702
****** A Falling Summer ******
by orphan_account
They couldn't stop laughing, tripping over each other and pressing their faces
to the other's shoulder to muffle the sounds.
Everyone was passed out, people sprawled four to a bed, over sofas and sacked
out on the plush carpet.
Jared and Chad were trashed on three bottles of cheap champagne and a couple of
beers they'd found in the fridge, a two-person celebration.
Chad's tuxedo was in pieces around the suite, his jacket thrown over a lamp,
his shoes shoved under the table by the door. His tie hung undone around his
neck and he had his cummerbund around his head.
Jared finally caught his breath, stopped laughing enough to straighten up. He
looked at Chad and the pink and grey cummerbund, to match Sophia's dress,
hanging off his ears and he lost it again, snorting and laughing so hard his
stomach cramped.
"Shh," Chad said loudly, gesturing with the half empty champagne bottle towards
the living room. "You'll wake up the girlsss," he slurred the last word and
hiccuped. Jared laughed harder, leaning his head against Chad's shoulder.
"Come on," Chad mumbled, grabbing Jared by the front of his shirt. He pulled
him off down the hall to the only empty bedroom. It was supposed to have been
Chad and Sophia's but they'd gotten into a fight halfway through prom, and she
was currently sharing the sofa with Sandy, Jared's girlfriend, who adamantly
refused to leave her best friend's side.
Which meant Jared and Chad had been left to their own devices, relegated to not
getting laid on prom night and instead getting trashed on pink bubbles.
"Where are we going?" Jared hissed, tripping over his bare feet.
"To bed," Chad said over his shoulder and stumbled into the doorjamb.
Jared choked on a laugh and pushed past Chad to fall face first onto the bed.
It was an enormous bed, enough for four people, Jared couldn't help thinking.
Jared rolled to his back and looked up. Chad was standing over him, the bottle
of champagne still in his hand and trying to get out of his dress shirt. "Give
me that," Jared demanded reaching to pull it out of Chad's hand. He tipped his
head back and brought the bottle to his lips. Champagne spilled out quickly,
overflowing, dripping down his chin and down his neck.
"You're wasting it, JT," Chad said, his voice like a whine. He knelt on the
bed, in his white undershirt and dress pants and reached for the bottle.
He held it up and glared at Jared. "it's empty, fucker."
"Yup," Jared slurred, "I drank it all."
"You spilled it all, asshole," Chad said, pushing Jared back against the
pillows and bending down. He pressed his face to Jared's neck and Jared let out
a startled laugh when Chad's tongue came out and licked at his skin.
"Dude, the fuck are you doing?" Jared laughed, pushing at Chad's face.
"Fuck off, you wasted all the damn alcohol," Chad mumbled, his face buried in
Jared's neck.
“So you’re licking it off me?” Jared’s shoulders shook, vibrating with tension
and the force of holding himself still.
“Fuck yes I am,” Chad said and Jared’s skin hummed where Chad’s lips sipped the
sticky sweet champagne from his skin.
Being drunk usually made Jared horny and it wasn't any different, too much
fruity champagne buzzing through his system, making him silly and light headed
and mostly turned on.
Chad's lips and tongue on his neck wasn't helping. His judgment was long gone
and there was a pleasant warmth in his stomach from Chad's mouth on his skin.
"Chad, cut it out," Jared groaned, pushing at Chad's head.
Chad growled low and batted at Jared's hand. He mumbled something that sounded
like an order for Jared to go fuck himself and his fingers came up to work at
the buttons at Jared's throat.
"If you hadn't been so damn greedy," Chad said, muffled and impatient. Chad's
fingers fumbled at Jared's collar, pushing the buttons through the tiny holes.
He pulled the shirt off Jared's shoulders, just enough to bare his collarbone,
the skin at the base of his throat.
Jared was only half sure Chad was playing around. It's what they did, joking
around in front of their friends, their girlfriends, but that's all it was,
boys making jokes. They weren't strangers to being in each others space, a
constant twenty-four seven of elbows in each other's sides as they sat too
close on the sofa, Chad pushing his feet into Jared's lap and demanding a foot
rub, wrapping their sweaty arms around each other after football practice.
They didn't do this, though.
Jared blinked dizzily at the ceiling and felt like he was tipping backwards,
his head rushing with the alcohol in his blood stream.
Chad stopped making noise and sucking the wetness from Jared's t-shirt and
moved a fraction higher, until his lips were on Jared's collarbone. He kept his
mouth still, lips hovering over Jared's skin, the barest touch. Jared's eyes
slid closed, his lower lip caught between his teeth to keep from making
embarrassing noises, when Chad's tongue came out to lick at his skin.
Jared couldn't say anything. He couldn't move, his body felt heavy and
immovable, paralyzed with things he couldn't name. And his head was somewhere
else entirely.
"Chad," Jared blew out a breath. "We're drunk," he said, putting a hand on the
back of Chad's neck. He meant to pull him back, tug him off so they could get
some space and go to sleep.
Chad made an appreciative noise at the brush of Jared's fingers on his neck and
he ducked his head, forehead against Jared's shoulder.
"I'm so fucking horny," Chad admitted, his lips moving against the thin cotton
of Jared's undershirt so that Jared could feel his breath on his skin. "I could
kill Sophia."
Jared let out a quiet laugh, curling his fingers in the soft hair at the nape
of Chad's neck. "You shouldn't have checked out that girl," he said, grinning
into Chad's hair.
"Dude, did you see her?" Chad said, shoulders shaking with laughter. He lifted
his head and grinned down at Jared. "She was fucking stacked, her tits were
practically falling out of her dress."
Jared had seen her, he'd just made sure to check her out when Sandy wasn't
paying attention. He'd learned a lot from Chad over the years, including what
not to do to piss off his girlfriend.
"Mm," Jared agreed. Jared was pretty horny too, mostly from dancing pressed up
against Sandy for three hours and then being expected to take care of himself
while she consoled Sophia. It was fucking unfair. Sometimes dating his best
friend's girlfriend's best friend had its drawbacks.
This wasn't how they'd planned on spending their junior prom. They'd made the
limo driver stop at the drugstore so they could stock up on condoms, had made
sure they'd found a suite with enough rooms and had spent a fortune on prom
tickets, corsages and a nice dinner. And yet here they were, their girlfriends
sharing the sofa bed in the living room, the two of them in a king sized bed.
Chad shifted his weight against Jared, settling himself so he wasn't bearing
down on Jared's stomach. Jared's breath caught as Chad moved, his dick pushing
at Jared's hip.
"Shit, sorry," Chad huffed, a startled laugh like he'd just realized that Jared
could feel how hard he was.
"S'fine," Jared mumbled. This would be the time to get off each other and move
to opposite sides of the bed. Any other time they wouldn't still be lying on
each other like this, not if one of them, or both as the case was, were hard.
But the champagne was floating through Jared, made his head feel a million
miles away and his skin tingly with every breath Chad took and every rustle of
clothing as he moved.
Chad shifted again and this time it was deliberate, a slow rock of his hips
against Jared's hip, tucking his leg up underneath him so his knee pushed up
and firm between Jared's thighs.
"Chad," Jared hissed. His back arched up into the pressure, his fingers
tightening in Chad's hair.
"Get me off," Chad mumbled against Jared's skin and Jared wasn't sure he'd
heard him right until Chad thrust again, dick rubbing against Jared's leg.
"Please, JT," Chad breathed, wet and warm against the sensitive skin of Jared's
neck. "Get me off and I'll do you. "
Jared groaned and nodded, "fine, come on, fuck," he said, pushing Chad off him
enough so they were on their sides, facing each other. Chad's cheeks were
flushed pink, his eyes mostly black pupil.
"What do you want?" Jared asked cause it wasn't like he knew what to do, what
Chad wanted. They talked about it enough, about fucking their girlfriends, and
one time not that far back, last summer, they'd jerked off side by side.
"Jerk me off," Chad said, grabbing Jared's wrist and pressing his palm to the
front of his pants. Jared's face flared hot and red as he felt Chad's dick, hot
even beneath layers of material, pushing hard against his hand.
"Mm, yeah," Chad sighed, shifting his hips off the mattress.
Jared rested his forehead against Chad’s shoulder so he didn't have to see his
face when he slipped his hand inside his pants, curling his fingers around
Chad’s dick.
“JT,” Chad panted, “Don’t be a fucking tease.”
Jared laughed, even though he was so hard he hurt and he couldn’t catch his
breath. This was probably the hottest thing that had ever happened to him,
which threw him off guard, since he’d been having sex for the last year and
this was fucking Chad, his loser best friend who said the stupidest shit.
But this was Chad, who made Jared laugh harder than anyone else, who listened
and understood when no one else did, who was gasping and making little noises
that were turning Jared on more than was right.
Chad’s fingers dug in to Jared’s shoulder, urging him on.
“M so close,” he admitted, mouth pressed hot and open to Jared’s throat.
Jared didn’t expect it to be quite so hot, watching Chad come. There was a
secret little thrill at being the reason behind it, being the one to make Chad
look like that, eyes closed, mouth wet and open. Jared swiped his thumb over
the head of Chad’s dick and Chad hissed and shuddered.
“Come on, let me,” Chad mumbled, pressing his open mouth to Jared’s jaw and
batting Jared’s hand away.
Chad’s fingers fumbled at the button, pulled the zipper down enough to get his
hand inside and then he was curling sweat damp fingers around Jared.
Jared hissed, head falling back against the pillows.
“Is that okay?” Chad whispered, oddly unsure.
“Fuck, a little tighter,” Jared urged. He curled his fingers around Chad’s
wrist, guiding him. “Yes, God, faster,” Jared groaned.
Chad’s hand sped up, making Jared’s hips push up off the bed, an awkward rhythm
that was really doing it for him in a way that made him glad he was too drunk
to really think about.
Jared came with a low choked off moan, panting, trying to catch his breath.
Chad’s hand stilled but he kept it there, wrapped around Jared.
After a little while, when Jared’s breathing had returned to normal, Chad
pulled his hand out, wiping his wet fingers on Jared’s pants.
“Mm, fuck,” Chad mumbled, rolling to his back. “I feel so fucking good right
now.”
Jared made a low sound like a hum in agreement. He listened to the steady sound
of Chad’s breathing and it didn’t take him long to fall asleep.
 
* * *
 
It was the sunlight streaming in through the hotel curtains that woke Jared.
It took him a minute to get his bearings, gingerly prying his eyes open and
blinking into the harsh morning light.
The hangover hit him all at once, the pounding behind his eyelids and the
nausea making his stomach roil.
He groaned and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. He couldn't think
beyond the throbbing in his head and the feeling like he was going to throw up
if he so much as moved.
"Oh my god," Jared muttered, burrowing his face in the pillows. He made a face,
wrinkling his nose. Something reeked.
He sniffed, trying to figure out what smelled so fucking terrible and then all
the color drained from his face as bits and pieces of last night slowly came
back to him.
It was kind of blurry, and missing chunks of time, but he had a memory clear as
day of Chad's face pressed to his throat, his hand down Chad's pants.
Jared's stomach flipped and he held his breath, trying to decide if he was
going to puke his guts up. It settled after a minute and he relaxed back into
the pillows.
He was pretty sure he wasn't alone in the bed but he hadn't quite worked up the
courage to open his eyes and check. It was bad enough, the images in his head
like a frightening movie, but seeing Chad, being faced with the reality of what
they'd done, that thought was almost unbearable.
Instead, for reasons he couldn't own up to, he replayed the parts of last night
he could remember. He and Chad had spent so much of their lives together there
were so many things between them that weren't secrets. Last night had sort of
be been like learning about him all over again, seeing him like that. It wasn't
something Jared needed, or wanted.
"Fuck, JT," Chad muttered. Jared felt the bed shift and Chad was apparently a
lot closer than Jared had thought, their arms brushing as Chad rolled to his
side. "Why the hell did you let me drink so much?"
Jared kept still, trying not to brush up against Chad anymore than was
absolutely necessary, and Jared was pretty sure it wasn't at all necessary.
"How bad is it?" Jared said, keeping his eyes on the ceiling. He just couldn't
look at Chad.
"Ugh, I feel like I fucking got run over by a freight. What the hell was in
that shit? I've never felt so tore up."
"It's the bubbles," Jared muttered. He'd once seen Chad drink a fifth of
tequila and wake up the next morning craving a Waffle House breakfast with no
sign of battle on him.
"That's some dangerous shit," Chad groaned.
Jared didn't know if Chad hadn't yet regained his memory or if he was just
deliberately ignoring it. Jared hoped it was the latter, he'd be perfectly
content to pretend last night had never happened and they could go back to
being the same stupid best friends they'd spent most of their life being.
Chad answered the question, nudging Jared in the stomach. "What the fuck did we
get up to last night?"
Jared's stomach was a knot of nerves and he was pretty sure before the morning
was over he was going to end up on his knees in front of a toilet. He shrugged,
trying to keep his voice even. "Drank about three bottles of champagne and
passed the fuck out. Pretty much not how I'd planned on spending my prom.
Thanks for that."
Chad snorted. "Oh, right. I wonder if Sophia's still pissed at me."
"Come on," Jared said, smiling, "how long have you known her? She's going to
hold onto this one for a solid week, at the very least. You've got some
groveling to do. And," Jared tried to sit up a little, still keeping his eyes
anywhere but on Chad, "you better do it fast because I don't want to be forced
to jerk off because Sandy's off consoling your girl."
"You know, I did you a favor."
"You did, huh? And what exactly was that? Letting me get stupid drunk on some
shit girly drink and then pass out with you? Yeah, you're a real good friend."
"Dude, shut the hell up. I can't remember what happened, but I'm sure it was
awesome. You were with me."
Jared didn't have to see Chad to know he was grinning his trademark shit eating
grin. Jared didn't say anything. It would come back to him sooner or later and
they were going to have to deal. Jared was fine with putting it off as long as
possible.
"I feel like death warmed over," Jared mumbled, rolling over without glancing
at Chad. "I'm going to go shower."
"I know this is fucked up, considering how shitty I feel, but I'm craving some
pancakes. Hurry your ass up so we can go to Honey's."
Jared made a face as his stomach flipped uncomfortably. "I don't even know what
the hell's wrong with you, I'm pretty sure I'm going to hurl all over you if
you make me sit with you."
"Come on, I know you wouldn't make me eat alone. We'll bring you a bucket."
Jared flipped Chad off over his shoulder and went into the bathroom, shutting
the door behind him. There'd been a million nights like last night, minus the
extracurricular activities, passing out in hotel rooms or guest rooms at
whatever house they were partying at, waking up hungover and showering while
the other sat on the counter and waited. Jared didn't need any of that now, he
just wanted a shower, a Tylenol and to get home so he could go about forgetting
last night.
He stripped, his shorts sticking to him with dried come. He shuddered a little
and stepped into the shower, forcing himself to pretend it was a wet dream and
not his best friend's hand.
The water wasn't hot enough to wash away the dirty gross feeling but Jared
stayed under the spray until Chad was pounding on the door hurrying for Jared
to hurry the fuck up.
 
* * *
 
Honey's, a local diner that had been around for eighty years, was busy with the
usual Sunday morning crowd.
They had to wait for fifteen minutes to be seated, during which time they sat
outside so Chad could smoke and bitch about how fucked up it was that Sophia
had left him hanging last night.
Jared opened his mouth to say, "at least you got off" before he snapped it
shut, remembering.
The hostess seated them at a booth in the back and gave Jared a look like she
knew him from somewhere.
"You play for the Mavericks, right?" She said, popping her gum.
Jared nodded. "We do."
"Y'all had a slamming season," she gushed, leaning towards them and resting her
arms on the table in a way that forced her tits together.
"Thanks," Jared mumbled, not in the mood.
Chad slid her a once over and then turned to his menu.
She looked put off and turned and marched off.
"I'm so hungry," Chad said, kicking his legs up under the table and resting
them on Jared's knees.
Jared ignored him, it was either that or pick a fight and that was the last
thing he needed today.
When their waitress arrived, the mother of a guy in Jared's physics class who
recognized him and told them the coffee was on the house, Chad ordered a stack
of pancakes, eggs, sausage bacon and hash browns.
Jared asked for water.
"You alright honey?" their waitress asked, giving Jared the concerned mother
face.
"Fine, ma’am," Jared mumbled. "Just a little queasy."
"Well, if you change your mind, just give me a shout."
The smell when Chad's breakfast was delivered made Jared jump up from the
booth.
"Uh, I gotta," he muttered under his breath and took off for the bathroom.
He threw up twice and when he was done he felt human again, and actually a
little hungry.
"You look like shit," Chad said around a mouthful of food when Jared came back
and signaled their waitress.
"No worse than you," Jared shot back.
Jared ordered toast and hash browns and when the food came he wolfed it down
like he hadn't eaten in days.
Afterwards, Jared made Chad drive him home.
 
* * *
Jared knew the minute he saw Chad that Chad had remembered what happened the
night of prom. He was standing, shoulders back, defensively, like he was
waiting for an attack. When Jared said ‘hey’, he couldn't meet his eyes.
"What's going on between you and Chad?" Sandy asked, standing at their lockers
before second period.
"PMS," Jared shrugged, shrugging like he really had no clue. "I gotta get to
class," he said abruptly, kissing her fast on the corner of her mouth.
“So,” Jared said, cornering Chad outside of third period. Chad’s eyes widened,
surprised.
“Do you want to agree to forget about it?” Jared said, putting it out there
because anything was better than the guilt he’d been feeling.
Something like relief passed over Chad’s face. “Just like that?” He said, a
little wary.
“Chad,” Jared said quietly, pleading. “We were fucked up. It meant shit, okay?
We’re leaving this weekend for the farm and it would be nice if we could just
do that denial thing we’ve both always been good at.”
Chad grinned then, a small reluctant smile. “I will if you will,” he conceded
with a tilt of his chin.
 
* * *
Trey's parents had a house out on the lake and every year since middle school,
he'd held a party on the last day of school. Jared and Chad had always taken
turns driving to parties, but more often then not they both ended up passed out
somewhere together, the car keys long since apprehended by some concerned
student.
Jared was waiting when Chad came squealing around the corner, pulling into the
driveway. Jared groaned when he saw Sophia in the front seat. Sophia and Chad
had been involved in some weird dramatic on-again off again thing since
freshman year and Jared found all the drama and angst exhausting. And he really
fucking hated being the third wheel. Sandy had left right after school for her
aunt's house in Washington and Jared was stuck playing referee. It wasn't a
role he’d volunteered for.
"Hi Jared," Sophia said when Jared climbed into the back seat. She had her hand
high up on Chad's thigh and she looked like she'd gotten an early start.
Jared liked her well enough, but she was weirdly possessive, which Jared found
off putting. Chad seemed to think it was amusing.
The party was in full swing when Chad pulled into the massive winding driveway,
rounding the curve as the house came into view. It was a massive beach house
that sat right on the water, a deck leading from the house out into the lake.
"Fuck, yeah, let's go get fucked up," Chad crowed, throwing an arm around
Jared's shoulder and pulling Sophia along by the wrist.
There were several kegs out on the deck and Jared found a couple plastic cups.
By twelve o'clock, Chad was completely wasted, Sophia was passed out on the
kitchen floor and Jared was faintly buzzed and watching Chad with a weird sort
of thrum in his blood.
"JT!" Chad shouted, though he was standing right above Jared, leaning over him
where Jared was sprawled on a lounge chair.
Jared tilted his head back to look at Chad. His face was flushed, his eyes
glassy and he reeked of beer and some kind of chips.
"I'm so wasted," Chad slurred, coming around to flop down on the chair with
Jared. There wasn't enough room so Chad ended up mostly in Jared's lap, his leg
thrown over Jared's, his arm around Jared's shoulder.
"Where's your girl?" Jared asked, though he knew full well that Sophia was
sleeping it off.
Chad made a vague wave with his hand. "Um? She left, I think?"
Jared snorted. "Okay, maybe we should go find her."
Chad sighed, leaning his head on Jared's shoulder. "I can't feel my feet."
Jared was glad Chad was so blitzed because Jared was having a weird reaction to
Chad on his lap, his breath warm on Jared's skin. Not that Chad was perceptive
even when he was sober.
Chad smelled weirdly good, aside from his beer breath. His skin smelled like
soap but better, like some sort of body wash and Jared would have to remember
to give Chad shit about that.
As it was, he was having trouble concentrating with Chad sitting on him and
acting like nothing had happened. Which was fine, Jared was fine with that,
they'd agreed to let it go, and this wasn't any different than all the other
times they'd gotten drunk and hung all over each other. But it felt different
now, it felt bigger somehow. Jared hated how hyper aware he was of Chad. He
chalked it up to it being barely five days since prom, hardly enough time to
adjust and move on, and hoped it would go away. Things were going to be awkward
if this was some new development in their friendship.
"Chad," Jared said quietly, his mouth close to Chad's ear. Chad went completely
still. He tilted his head back against Jared's shoulder to look at Jared. He
was pretty drunk but his eyes were unsettlingly clear.
He raised his eyebrows in question.
"I think we should get Sophia and get going."
Chad looked like he was thinking of arguing but he pushed himself unsteadily to
his feet.
"I'm driving," Jared said, holding his hand out for the keys. Chad pulled him
up off the lounge chair and threw him the keys to his truck.
"Hang on," Jared said, pulling Chad back with a hand on his shirt. "You have to
help me with Sophia."
She was right where Jared had last seen her, asleep on the linoleum floor of
the kitchen.
Jared knelt down and picked her up like she weighed nothing, hoisting her up
into his arms.
"Grab her shoes and purse," Jared called over his shoulder to Chad. Chad didn't
look like he was capable of finding his own ass but Jared took off for the
truck and left him looking confused in the living room.
He buckled Sophia into the back seat and headed back into the party to find
Chad.
He'd gotten himself another beer and was sitting on the front steps. He'd taken
his shoes off, rolled his jeans up to his knees and was trying to take his
shirt off without losing his beer.
"JT!" He called, when he saw Jared. "Im going swimming," he slurred, raising
his beer in a toast, his t-shirt around his neck.
"I don't think so, I'm taking you home."
"You're no fun," Chad muttered, tucking his chin against Jared's shoulder when
Jared bent to yank him up.
Jared ignored him and pulled him into the house while he found Sophia's things,
for fear of Chad wandering into the lake and drowning.
Jared pushed Chad into the passenger's seat and buckled him in.
They took Sophia home. Her sister was waiting up and helped Jared get her
upstairs.
"Thanks for looking after her," she said, glaring in the direction of the truck
where Chad had his feet out the window.
"No problem," Jared said and took off to take Chad home and make sure he didn't
hurt himself.
Jared used Chad's key to get in the house. No one else was up. "I'm not
carrying you up the stairs, so you better fucking walk."
It took ten minutes to get Chad upstairs. Jared pushed him down on the bed and
pulled the covers up over him.
Chad was fading quickly, eyes closing as his head hit the pillow. "Mm, why you
always take such good care of me, JT?" Chad mumbled, slurred.
"Beats the heck out of me, I really can't stand you," Jared said. "I'm taking
your truck. If you remember any of this, you should call me in the morning and
I'll bring it back."
 
* *
 
Saturday morning Chad showed up at Jared's fifteen minutes early, which was
unheard of for him. Chad was never on time to anything.
"Someone's excited," Jared's mom, Sharon, said when Chad came into the kitchen
where Jared was eating breakfast.
"I smelled your french toast," Chad grinned, pulling out a chair.
Sharon kissed him on the cheek and set about making him a plate.
As Chad shoveled food into his mouth, Sharon went through her annual list of
reminders about acceptable behavior while at the farm.
"Don't go giving your grandparents any trouble, they have enough on their hands
without you boys causing a ruckus."
"Yes Ma'am," they said in unison, mouths full.
"And if you're going out, you be back home by curfew. And don't wait for them
to ask you to help, offer."
Jared rolled his eyes at Chad, who grinned. They went through this every year,
and every year there were never any complaints when they came home at the end
of the summer. Jared's Mamaw and Papaw loved having them, and Jared and Chad
loved spending their summers there.
After breakfast, Sharon walked them out to the car. "We'll be coming up for
your birthday, so we'll see you then but I expect you to call me tonight after
dinner, and every Sunday."
"Yes, Momma, just like every year," Jared said, getting into the passenger side
of Chad's truck.
"Chad, drive safely, please. And don't forget, your father's expecting to hear
from you tonight, too."
"Yes, Ma'am," Chad said, giving her the smile that had been charming Jared's
mama since Chad was six.
"Okay, you boys be safe, call if you need anything." She leaned into the open
window to kiss Jared's cheek and reached across the seat to squeeze Chad's
hand.
 
* * *
TWO
 
Runyon County was forty-five minutes south of Abilene, a four hour drive from
San Antonio.
"You know you have shit taste in music, right?" Jared said, halfway through the
drive when the city had faded behind and made way for the endless stretch of
farmland.
"Fuck off, my music is way better than that fucking grandpa shit you listen
to."
"You wouldn't know good music if it bit you in the dick," Jared shot back,
laughing at the appalled look Chad gave him.
When Jared was younger, sitting in the back seat with Megan in the middle, Chad
asleep on her other side, Jared would sit with his face pressed to the window,
waiting impatiently for the telltale signs that they were getting closer to
Abilene, closer to Willow Lake and his grandparents. Not much was different
this time around. As soon as they passed the old run down Outer Lake General
store, high up on a hill off the interstate, Jared was sitting up, leaning
against the door and waiting.
Chad took the exit for Route 3 and Jared could feel that familiar excitement
building, a lifetime’s worth of memories of ice cream at Cady’s Creamery just
past the abandoned mill, the senior center at the edge of the tiny town where
Jared’s Papaw taught him and Chad to play pool, the farm supply store run by
the same family for five generations where Jared got his first kiss when he was
twelve from the youngest daughter.
“You’re five years old all over again,” Chad laughed, rolling his eyes at Jared
who had rolled down the window and had his face lifted up to feel the hot
breeze on his skin, and the old familiar smells of farming it brought with it.
There was a fondness in Chad’s words, though, nothing mocking about the way he
said it. They both knew better.
Route 3 dead ended into Old Lake Road, the stretch of empty asphalt
disappearing between and beyond hundreds of acres of farm land, the hills
rising up towards the horizon.
Cattle grazing in the golden light, the geese disturbing the calm waters of the
river that followed the curve of the road, the dozens of kids sitting on the
front steps of their homes eating popsicles. Jared watched it all disappear
behind them and counted the farm gates just like he and Chad used to, fighting
over how many there were until Mamaw and Papaw’s gate.
And then Chad rounded a bend and Willow Lake Farm was rising up before them,
the miles and miles of sloping farmland that still made Jared’s pulse speed up,
the promise of an entire summer at this place where all of his best memories
were held spread out before him.
Jared tore his eyes away from the stretch of white fence that ran along the
property and turned to look at Chad. Chad had his arm propped on the open
window, his other draped loosely over the steering wheel and he was taking in
the roll of the land, the sun hitting the fields like spun gold with a faraway
look in his eyes, the corner of his mouth curved up in the hint of a smile.
“We’re here,” Jared said softly, unnecessary and sentimental but it didn’t
matter. Chad grinned then, a full smile that made his eyes go soft at the
corners. “We’re here,” he agreed, reaching out to curl his fingers around the
back of Jared’s neck, a brief squeeze before he was letting go to maneuver his
truck through the enormous wooden gate, up the old dirt road, red dust flying
up behind them.
Jared’s Mamaw, Lucy Krammer, was in the front yard, an old James Madison High
football cap tugged down low over her eyes, her graying hair tucked up
underneath. The dogs were with her, four of them of indeterminate breeds,
varying sizes, running around the yard as she bent low over the row of tomatoes
in her sprawling garden.
Jared pressed his forehead to the window and bit his lip against the urge to do
something stupid, like cry. There wasn’t anything Jared loved more than this
place where most things worth remembering in his life had happened, except
maybe his grandmother. Jared spent the school year marking down days, sending
his grandparents letters asking about what had changed at the farm since his
last visit. Part of him always expected his Mamaw to have been one of the
changes, but she looked just the same as she had when he was eight, maybe a
little more gray in her hair, a few more lines around her mouth. But still the
same.
“My boys,” she called, straightening up and tilting her head back to smile at
them from beneath the brim of her cap.
Jared didn’t bother waiting until the truck had stopped moving, he threw open
the door and scrambled out.
“Jared,” Mamaw said softly, a watery smile stretching across her pretty face.
She stood up on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around Jared’s back.
“Hi Mamaw,” Jared breathed into her sun soaked skin, the smell of the fields
filling him with a longing that made no sense. He was here. This was real, and
he and Chad had two and a half months.
Mamaw let Jared go with a gentle pat on his cheek. “I’ve sure missed you,” she
said, smiling up at him.
Chad had parked the truck underneath the huge oak tree sitting in the front
yard, one of the few such trees on the property.
“I think you’re more handsome than even the last time I saw you,” Mamaw
exclaimed, rushing forward to pull Chad in for a hug.
Chad laughed, spine curved to throw his arms around Mamaw. Jared watched Chad’s
bravado slip away, the way it did every year, all that cocky self-assuredness
that he wore like armor somehow melted away bit by bit here.
“You beautiful boys must be starving,” Mamaw said, pulling back from Chad with
a kiss on his cheek. She held out her hand to Jared and he took it with a grin.
For all the growing up and independence he insisted upon with his parents,
there was something about his grandmother babying him that Jared looked forward
to.
“Come on into the house, we can get your things later,” Mamaw was saying. They
followed her around the yard to the back porch that spanned the entire house,
up the narrow creaking stairs and into the kitchen.
Jared’s grandfather was at the old oak table, bent over what looked like a
piece of a car. He was covered in grease and sweat, a dirty straw hat abandoned
at the table, the neck of his work shirt open over a stained t-shirt. He looked
up, weathered, lined face breaking into a grin when he saw Chad and Jared.
“It’s about damn time,” he said a little gruffly, the old wooden bench sliding
across the floor as he got to his feet.
Papaw was a good ten years older than Jared’s mamaw, and he looked it, lines in
his face, the years spent out in the fields making his skin dark and leathery.
“You look real good, Papaw,” Jared blurted, laughing at the narrow look Papaw
threw him.
Mamaw started tinkering around the kitchen, pulling things from the
refrigerator, getting lunch ready.
Jared stepped toward his grandfather and held out his hand like his father had
taught him. “What’s this shit,” Papaw said with a snarl, and pulled Jared
against him, a hand flat on his back. Jared huffed out a startled laugh and
tucked his chin against Papaw’s chin.
When he stepped back, Papaw said, “you too, kid,” and wrapped an arm around
Chad’s shoulders.
Jared watched Chad step forward, closing his eyes and holding himself still for
Papaw’s hug.
Jared turned to look at his grandmother who was standing at the island, hand
stilled over a cutting board, watching. She caught Jared's eye and gave him a
fond smile, eye closing in a brief, private wink.
Jared couldn't help his own smile and he resisted the urge to go over to her
and hug her until he'd gotten enough.
"Well that's enough of that," Papaw said, all business. "I'm going to go get
myself cleaned up, you boys get your things and get settled before lunch."
Papaw clapped Jared on the back briefly and disappeared up the wooden stairs at
the corner of the house.
Jared followed Chad back out to the truck. "Okay?" Jared asked softly, not
wanting to push Chad but wanting to offer something, anything to get that
distant, melancholy look out of his eyes.
Chad looked up, startled. "Me? Yeah, JT, I'm fine." There was a softness in his
voice that Jared rarely heard, that only came out when Chad was thinking about
things better left alone. "I mean come on," he said, lifting his head to look
out beyond the house where the land curved and rose and melted out into the
horizon. "It's summer, and we're here."
Jared nodded and threw an arm around Chad's neck, pulling him in against his
side for a quick second. He was going to make a joke, a careless comment the
way they usually did with each other but he pressed his lips to Chad's hair and
whispered, "don't worry so much."
Chad pulled back suddenly, an unreadable expression in his eyes. But it was
soft, not the fighting Chad coming out but the less familiar one, a little
young, a little lost. "JT," Chad mumbled, eyes closing like he was trying to
fight off something he couldn't bear.
Jared waited, watched while Chad became himself again, pulling away to go
around to the bed of the truck.
They unearthed their things from beneath the pile of tarps and fought each
other through the front door, knocking into each other all the way to the
attic.
They had spent every summer in this room, the unfinished wooden floor and
paneled walls, sloping ceilings and creaky fan just as much a part of Jared’s
memories as the old wooden swing over the creek, the horseback rides over to
the next county, the poker games out on the back porch.
They were barely up the steps when Chad elbowed Jared and said, “I call the
window,” just like he did every year. And like every other summer, Jared
ignored him but let him have it.
The room sat empty when Chad and Jared were back in San Antonio and Mamaw had
left everything the same, the Transformer poster they put up when Jared was six
and spent his birthday party sick on too much blue cake. There was a Girls of
Maxim calendar over Chad’s bed, a UNC flag in Carolina blue over the narrow
dresser, a pile of old sneakers and flip flops in the closet, a couple sticky
Playboys in the box under the floorboard by the window and Jared’s stuffed
turtle Chad had teased him into abandoning at the farm when he was nine.
“Nothing ever changes here,” Chad said quietly. He was standing at the tiny
window by his bed where the ceiling sloped, looking out towards the old barn
where Chad and Jared had carved wishes a few summers back.
Jared didn’t know if he was expected to answer so he said nothing, let Chad
have whatever moment he needed. Jared agreed, though, that in all the years
he’d been coming here, whether with his mom and dad and siblings or with Chad,
nothing much ever changed. The routine and the people and the food and the
chores were constants, a reassuring familiarity that Jared could always rely
on. So little else in his and Chad’s lives had remained unchanging, it was a
comforting promise to come back and know that whatever else had changed, this
at least was the same.
Jared unpacked his duffle, stuffed his iPod underneath his pillow and shoved as
many clothes as he could fit into the dresser. “Come on,” he said,
straightening up. “I’m starving.”
 
* * *
“So, Jared, “ Papaw said, sitting down at the head of the table as Mamaw set
dishes down in front of them. “It’s a big year coming up for you boys.” He took
a sandwich from the platter and looked fondly at Jared.
“Yes, sir,” Jared agreed around a mouthful of macaroni salad. “Chad’s going to
take us to State,” he said with a grin at Chad who beamed and bumped his fist
with Jared’s.
“I know he will,” Papaw agreed, elbows on the table. “You just let us know when
and where and me and your Mamaw will be there, the loudest in the whole damn
place.”
Jared grinned and shook his head, laughing. They’d been talking about the State
championships since he and Chad were in peewee football, getting slaughtered by
kids older and bigger than they were.
“And what about college, hon?” Mamaw asked, turning to Chad, a maternal hand on
his arm.
Chad shrugged. “You know. Probably UT or A&M. Whatever’ll take me,” Chad said,
all nonchalance like this wasn’t something he and Jared had steadfastly refused
to talk about. Because Jared had spent his life working towards UNC, playing
football to make Chad happy and focusing the rest of the year on basketball. It
had always been the one source of contention between them.
Jared swallowed and looked down, anything to not have to see that look in
Chad’s eyes like Jared had betrayed him.
“And UNC for Jared,” Papaw said, beaming with all the pride only a grandfather
could feel.
“Yes, sir.” Jared’s throat was dry and he suddenly wanted to be talking about
anything but this.
Mamaw took pity on him and changed the subject, to the only other thing Jared
didn’t want to talk about.
“Your mama sent me the most beautiful pictures of you boys at prom,” his
grandmother said brightly, reaching for her iced tea.
Jared blanched. “Yeah,” he said awkwardly, trying to keep his voice as casual
as possible. The last thing he wanted was his grandmother noticing something
wasn’t right and poking into that sore.
“You boys sure looked handsome,” Mamaw said, smiling fondly at Chad.
“Thanks, we had a good time,” Chad said, clearing his throat. Jared looked over
at Chad and felt something, a low heat flare up in his spine. Chad was watching
Jared, sitting, an arm thrown casually across the empty chair beside him. Jared
swallowed and looked away, at anywhere but Chad.
Mamaw was looking at him expectantly and Jared realized she wanted him to tell
her about prom. Papaw was looking like he didn’t care much but was humoring his
wife.
Jared shrugged, unsure what he was supposed to say. It wasn’t as though he
could smile and say, “got shitfaced and fucked around with my best friend.” It
probably wouldn’t go over well and Jared wasn’t about lying to his
grandparents.
“It was fun,” Jared said finally, somewhat lamely.
“Well,” Mamaw said dryly, “I can take a hint.” She gave Papaw an exasperated
look that seemed to scream, “teenagers,” and Jared blew out a breath he didn’t
realize he’d been holding.
They finished lunch, catching up quietly on the things they’d missed since
Easter, the last time everyone had been together, and then Papaw got to his
feet. “I’m working on a project out in the barn,” he said, cracking his back
and looking expectantly at Jared and Chad. “Why don’t you do the dishes and
then meet me out there.”
Jared glanced over at Chad who was looking excitedly at Papaw. It was probably
one of Chad’s favorite things about the summer, the project Papaw picked out
for the two of them to help them with over the months. Last summer they’d
arrived the first day to find a beat up 67 Mustang that hadn’t run in years
waiting for them in the old barn.
“If we get this up and running, Jared,” his grandfather had said, “it’s yours.”
That was a month before he turned sixteen, and by the time he got his license,
the car was up and running. Still looked like a piece of junk but Jared wasn’t
complaining.
After the kitchen had been cleaned up, they rushed out back to the barn where
there was a lot of scraping and clanging coming from the closed doors.
Jared peeked his head in and Papaw looked up, a grim set to his mouth. “This is
going to be a real pain in the ass, I’m telling you boys now.” He was standing
over what Jared imagined had once been a perfectly fine tractor that maybe even
ran. It looked like it was at least sixty years old.
“Sweet,” Chad whistled, grinning at Jared like Christmas had come. Jared rolled
his eyes and Chad frowned and dug his elbow in Jared’s stomach.
“Cut it out, boys,” Papaw said, but it was distracted and he wasn’t paying them
much mind, bent over the table where he had some blueprints laid out.
“I got this from a friend over in Trent county who’d been sitting on this since
he inherited his farm from his granddaddy. Don’t know much about fixing up
tractors, but if anything it’ll keep us good and busy.”
Jared bit back a groan. He didn’t so much mind all the projects, but they
didn’t do it for him the way they did for Chad, who loved getting under the
hood of something, taking it apart and figuring out how to make it run again.
“What are you going to do with this, Papaw?” Jared asked, taking in the ancient
tractor and thinking if he had a hundred bucks he’d bet they wouldn’t be able
to get this piece of shit to so much as stand up straight let alone run.
“I don’t know,” Papaw said, holding up what looked like a manual that had been
put through a grinder. “I might sell it. I just thought it’d be fun to see if
we could make it run.” He patted Chad on the shoulder. “I’ve got some good help
for this one, should be able to get it done.”
Jared bit his tongue for the afternoon and let Papaw order him around.
By the time Jared was ready for a nap, it was almost four o’clock and hot as
hell in the windowless barn. He was soaked through his clothes, dirt and grease
mixing with the sweat on his skin.
“Okay,” Papaw said, climbing up from underneath the frame of the tractor. He
wiped at his face with an old rag and checked his watch.
“I think you’ve earned a little fun,” he said, nodding at Jared and Chad. “You
know when dinner is. ”
Chad threw down the wrench he’d been using and grinned at Jared. “Last one to
the creek does the dishes,” he called, taking off through the back door of the
barn.
Jared tossed a wave at his grandfather and took off at a run, following Chad
across the field.
It was hot but a bearable sort of dry heat and the slight breeze felt good on
his face as Jared ran through the dry crabgrass.
Chad beat him but only by a hair. He let Chad gloat for a second before he
rolled his eyes and shoved him, shoes and all, backwards into the swimming
hole.
Chad came up, spluttering, a huge grin on his face. "You've always been a sore
loser."
Jared bent to pull off his shoes and socks and shrugged out of his t-shirt. "I
just don't like cheaters," he shrugged. Chad laughed. "Whatever makes you feel
better, sweetheart."
Jared took a breath and dove off the wooden dock his grandfather had built when
Jared's mother was a girl. The water was warm from the sun, still cool against
his skin and Jared let out a breath of pleasure as his body hit the water.
Jared held his breath and stayed under the water until his lungs were burning.
When he came up for air, Chad was climbing the old gnarled stump at the bank.
Jared lay on his back, arms wide, treading water and watched Chad shuck out of
his wet shirt. His skin had that in between color of a faded tan, the wet sheen
of the water making him look like he was glistening.
He’d filled out a lot in his chest and shoulders over the last year, the
pressure of being trained to take the position of captain of the football team
having spurred him into the gym. Chad’s belly was marred by pale, angry scar
that sliced across his skin, souvenir from a football injury sophomore year
when a tackle from a kid who outweighed him by seventy pounds sent his
intenstines halfway up his throat.
Jared watched Chad from beneath partially closed lids, under the pretense of
being sleepy.
His throat was dry, his fingers itching with the faint memory of what had
happened between them on prom night.
Jared let the cool water lap at his skin and thought about that night, about
the way Chad had felt pressed up against him, their legs scissored together.
They’d been mostly clothed, he hadn’t gotten to see much of anything.
Not that that was something he wanted, Jared told himself.
Jared opened his eyes, head tilted back towards the meager shade offered by the
thin, young trees lining the bank and counted backwards in his head until he
felt like he could look at Chad and not remember things better left forgotten,
like the taste of cheap champangne on his tongue, the vibrations of Chad’s
moans against his skin.
When he raised his head to glance at Chad again, Chad was sitting perched on
the stump. There was a sudden flood of awareness in Jared then, a realization
that Chad was looking at him, not in a friendly, casual way but in a way that
made Jared hot all over.
Jared swallowed and looked away, disappeared underneath the water and stayed
beneath the surface until he couldn’t breathe.
When he came back up, averting his eyes, Chad was diving off the stump into the
water.
They hung out like that, swimming in silence, until Jared’s watch beeped.
“We should get back,” he said, rolling to his stomach and swimming towards the
dock. He hoisted himself up out of the water and reached for his shoes.
He straightened, suddenly, feeling Chad come up behind him, his wet skin
against Jared’s. Jared held himself still, held his breath and concentrated on
keeping his heart rate steady, even.
Chad's fingers were cool when he reached out, touched briefly at Jared's hip
before pulling back and giving Jared a look full of a dare.
"Race you for first shower?" He grinned, a glint in his eyes.
"You're on," Jared agreed and before Chad could say anything Jared dug his
elbow in Chad's side, pushing him back and took off, his wet t-shirt in his
hand.
He pulled warm, musty air into his lungs, and sprinted back across the field,
the house looming ahead like the winner's line.
Jared was ahead of Chad by a few seconds and Jared reached the back steps with
barely a lead. He opened his mouth to gloat and was stopped still by Chad
slamming into him from behind, an arm around Jared's waist.
Jared's heart stopped somewhere in his throat as he felt the full force of Chad
behind him, his chest pressed fully along the damp skin of Jared's back, close
enough that Jared could feel Chad's heart racing, the heavy pull of air into
his lungs.
"I win," Jared said stupidly, unmoving, afraid to take a step forward, to break
the tension of the moment.
"Maybe," Chad agreed. He sounded nothing like himself, his voice ragged.
"Okay," Jared mumbled and moved then. He ran up the steps into the house and
locked himself in the bathroom adjacent to their bedroom. He leaned against the
door, panting, eyes closed and tried to remember that this was Chad, his best
fucking friend.
He got naked, stripping out of his shorts, and climbed into the shower,
grimacing at his dick. He was half hard, still trying to catch his breath.
He hadn't jerked off since before Prom. That’s what he reminded himself, the
only reason he was mostly hard now. It had nothing to do with the feel of Chad
pressed up behind him, every inch of skin touching off tiny points of pleasure
along Jared’s spine, his shoulders, his lower back.
He stepped beneath the shower spray and bit his lip as he curled his fist
around his dick. He was restless, his skin a mass of tingling nerves. As he
rubbed his palm over the length of his cock, he felt it grow fuller, heavier in
his hand. He sighed, heat rushing to his stomach, down his thighs.
He let the water slide down his skin, this erotic, thrilling sensation as he
jerked his fist over his dick slowly, taking his time, trying to draw out the
intensity, the build of pleasure beneath his skin.
He felt amazing, sun flushed and exhausted, turned on and hyper aware of every
brush of breeze through the open window, every swipe of his thumb.
He braced a palm flat against the tiled wall, head bent beneath the stream of
water down his spine and curled his hand a little tighter, worked his fist a
little faster.
He didn’t need anything else really, no go-to fantasy from the pile stored up
in the back of his brain. This was enough, the adrenaline in his blood from
earlier, from the tension of those moments with Chad. There was a sense of
anticipation between them, Jared couldn’t help feeling, not urgency but
something building up between the two of them. It frightened the unholy hell
out of him.
He shuddered as the intensity built, pleasure rising. Jared was close, could
feel the familiar ache in his stomach, his balls tightening. He breathed in and
out, letting it get heavier, harder.
There was a flash of something in the back of his brain, the faint sense memory
of the last time he’d done this. Not this exactly, it hadn’t been his hand, but
the reminder of what it felt like to come and suddenly it was Chad’s fingers
curled around his dick, the feel of Chad’s lips on his skin.
“Shit,” Jared breathed, and hunched in on himself, stomach clenching as he came
hot and sticky into his hand.
In the few minutes he spent trying to catch his breath, a thousand thoughts
flooded his head. He watched the water wash his come down the drain, let his
skin get clean, the grease from the afternoon scrubbed away and all he could
think about was Chad’s wet skin on his, the arm around Jared’s waist, holding
him back against his body.
With the haze of orgasm gone and reality settling in heavy like dread on his
shoulders and in his stomach, Jared got out of the shower and dried himself
off. He kept his thoughts neutral, tried to let go of each unwelcome one and
focused instead on pretending he hadn’t just come hard thinking about Chad.
Chad was naked when Jared came into their bedroom, standing at the window and
staring aimlessly out towards the lake.
Jared was so startled he dropped his shoes from the pile of dirty clothes in
his arms.
Chad turned sharply, color flooding his cheeks in a way Jared had never seen
before on Chad.
Jared grasped the towel around his waist with one hand and bent to retrieve his
shoes and wet shorts.
There was a heavy silence in the room as Chad scrambled for a towel, slinging
it low around his hips. Jared made a face at Chad, an ugly twisting of lips and
nose and Chad cracked a smile, face changing as the corners of his eyes
crinkled.
Chad slapped Jared on the back on his way out the door towards the shower.
 
* * *
 
By the end of the week, Jared and Chad had slipped into a routine with Jared’s
grandparents so it was as though they’d never left, just like every other
summer, a feeling that no time had past at all between the end of one summer
and the start of the next.
They slept late, both of them catching up on nine months’ worth of staying up
way too late and getting up too early for school and various sports practices.
Chad had really gotten into the whole tractor thing, spending from the minute
he finished with breakfast until Mamaw called everyone in for dinner out in the
barn with Papaw. Jared’s attention span wasn’t that long. Mostly he wandered in
and out, poking his nose in to see if it had suddenly gotten more interesting
and spending a lot of time with Mamaw in the garden.
When Saturday rolled around, Jared had developed a deep tan, with the exception
of his nose which was a harsh pink, already beginning to peel. Chad’s
appearance had transformed to bronzed and platinum hair, the sun making him
look a little like he glowed.
The fresh air, Mamaw’s cooking and all the races to the swimming hole just
after a week had started to show on both of them.
“You look so healthy and lovely,” Mamaw said to Jared Saturday evening as she
was shucking husks of corn, sitting on the back steps. Jared was hanging the
linens Mamaw had just washed out on the line to catch the late afternoon heat.
Jared ducked his head, teasingly. “Aww shucks, Mamaw,” he said, flapping a hand
in her direction.
She threw her head back, long hair spilling over her shoulders, and laughed,
her teeth white in the deep tan of her skin. Talk about lovely, Jared thought,
smiling to himself. Mamaw looked so much like Jared’s mama, he found himself
missing her a little, suddenly.
They’d talked once after Jared and Chad’s arrival, and earlier in the middle of
the week, making plans to come to the farm the weekend of Jared’s seventeenth
birthday. Other than that, there hadn’t been much correspondance with his
family in San Antonio, and Jared found himself missing little things like
watching the NBA finals with his dad, talking to his mom about Sandy while they
went grocery shopping, giving Megan a hard time about everything.
“So serious, Jared honey,” Mamaw called, looking up beneath the wide brim of
her straw hat. “Everything okay in that head of yours?”
Jared gave her a small, reassuring smile. “Just a little homesick,” he said
with an apologetic shrug of his shoulders.
“Right on schedule, then,” Mamaw said, smiling fondly. She got to her feet,
hoisting the basket of corn cobs with her.
“Call the boys for me please, honey, tell them to wash up.” She disappeared
into the kitchen, the screen door shutting behind her with a thud. He could
hear through the open windows the sounds of her favorite classic country
station, a little Waylon filtering out into the late afternoon sunshine.
Jared finished hanging the clean laundry and headed to the barn.
He hauled open the creaky old door and found Chad alone. He was bare to the
waist, a ragged pair of cargo shorts falling dangerously low on his hips. He
had his back to Jared, leaning, palms flat, against the work table, head bent
over the blue prints. He was covered in grease, a thin sheen of sweat covering
his bronzed skin. Jared’s breath caught in his throat and he stuttered to a
stop, just watching for a minute, barely recognizing Chad as the guy he’d
shared everything with over the last eleven years.
The week had been an emotional roller coaster of new awareness, shutting
himself in the bathroom before bed to quietly jerk off, trying to school his
reactions to Chad into something more platonic. It hadn’t worked.
Jared cleared his throat. “Dinner’s in a few minutes,” he said quietly, trying
not to startle Chad.
Chad whipped around, clearly surprised. “Shit, JT,” he huffed, a wry grin on
his face.
Jared made an apologetic face, feeling like he needed to get the hell out of
here as soon as possible. He turned to leave but Chad caught him by the arm,
his fingers curling around Jared’s wrist and pulling him further into the barn.
The light in here was pretty cool, Jared couldn’t help thinking, the sunlight
filtering in through the slats in the roof and loft, falling in shadows around
the barn.
“Check this out,” Chad said, sounding a little breathlessly excited. He pulled
Jared over towards where what was left of the tractor was lying in pieces on a
tarp over the dirt floor. He showed Jared a bunch of random pieces of what
Jared assumed had once been the engine. “We managed to figure out how to make
this work without having to buy new parts,” Chad said, gesturing towards a mass
of screws and bolts and scraps of metal.
“Uh, wow,” Jared said lamely, rasing his eyebrows in a way he hoped came across
as impressed.
Chad’s face broke into a huge smile, dissolving into laughter. “You’re the
worst fucking liar, JT,” Chad hissed, shoulders shaking.
“I tried,” Jared shrugged by way of apology. Chad’s laughter died down and
Jared was suddenly aware of how close they were standing, Chad’s body heat
soaking into Jared’s skin in waves, their hips touching, canted towards each
other.
Jared took a startled step backwards, feeling the blood rush to his cock. “We
gotta get washed up,” he said, voice caught in his chest.
He stepped past Chad, shoulder brushing against Chad’s chest and he felt Chad
go still, a sudden inhale of breath.
Jared bent his head and all but ran out of the barn, thinking it would be a
good idea if got the hell away from Chad before he did something stupid.
Chad caught up to Jared towards the back of the house just outside the kitchen
door, snagging Jared by a belt loop.
“JT,” Chad mumbled, a little breathless, turning Jared to look at him.
Chad was looking at Jared’s mouth, his own lips slightly moist and parted, a
faint pink high on his cheeks that had nothing to do with the sun. They were so
close Jared was sure Chad could feel how fast his heart was beating. Chad took
a breath and Jared knew Chad was about to kiss him.
"Dinner, boys!" Mamaw’s voice came through the screen door, startling Chad into
taking a sudden panicked step backwards.
“Shit,” he hissed, alarmed. Realization clouded his eyes, like he was suddenly
aware of what had almost happened.
Jared spun and rushed through the kitchen to the tiny washroom off the hallway.
He tried to catch his breath, tried to still the racing of his heart, tried to
will his erection away. He splashed cold water on his face, washed his hands
and took a few breaths that did nothing to steady him.
Mamaw was standing at the table, looking concerned when Jared came in and sat
down at the table opposite Chad. “Everything alright, sweetheart?”
Jared nodded, mouth dry and avoided Chad’s gaze. “Yes, ma’am," he mumbled,
“just a little too much time in the sun.”
Mamaw looked like she didn’t quite buy it, but she didn’t push. “Okay, honey,
if you’re sure you’re alright.”
Dinner was quiet, both Jared and Chad answering Papaw’s questions about
football and San Antonio but otherwise not saying much.
“You boys think you might want to go into town tonight?” Papaw said as the meal
came to an end, pushing his chair back and getting to his feet.
Jared looked up, surprised. He hadn’t thought about it but maybe that’s what
they needed. He glanced at Chad who nodded.
“Yeah, okay,” Jared agreed.
Mamaw was clearing the table. “We’re going down to the Fosters to play cards.
Just make sure you’re home before midnight.”
Jared and Chad cleaned the kitchen in silence, standing side by side and
ignoring each other as much as was possible.
“I’m going to grab a shower,” Chad said quietly when the last of the dishes had
been dried and put away.
Jared wandered out to the sun porch and flopped down on the weathered old sofa.
He had his eyes closed, arm up over his face when Chad came down the stairs a
half hour later.
“Hey,” Chad said quietly, hovering in the doorway. “You good? We don’t have to
go out if you’re bushed.”
Jared tilted his head back, looking up at Chad. “I’m fine,” Jared said, feeling
a million things and none of them ‘fine.’
“You want to drive?” Chad asked, holding his keys up as Jared opened the
passenger door of Chad’s dust-covered truck.
He blinked. “Yeah,” he said, surprised. Not that Chad didn’t let Jared drive
the truck, but most of the time Jared had to wheedle and plead and all but beg
the keys out of Chad’s hands. Chad threw the keys across the hood of the truck
and came around to climb into the truck.
Jared drove out Route 3 into Winslow, the closest town. There was one place for
teenagers to hang out within a thirty mile radius of the farm and that was the
old Winslow View Drive In theater and adjacent diner. Jared pulled into the
crowded parking lot, local teenagers, college students and families milling
about, waiting for their dinner or the next movie showing.
Jared parked at one of the drive in stands at the diner. “You want a shake?” he
asked, killing the engine and turning to look over at Chad.
“Get me a chocolate,” he said, climbing out of the truck. Jared watched him
wander to a cluster of picnic tables where several girls were hanging out.
Jared blew out a breath, annoyed for no particular reason and hit the button.
When Jared wandered over to the group of girls with his and Chad’s shakes, Chad
was sitting at the edge of the table, his hand on the waist of a pretty though
too-young looking girl who was leaning over Chad and all but pushing her small
breasts in his face. She was redheaded, freckles smattered across the bridge of
her nose and blue eyes that made her hair all the more shockingly vibrant. She
was adorable and just Chad’s type.
Jared stopped in his tracks, a wave of something like bile rising in his
throat. He had the most fucked up urge to throw the shakes at Chad’s head.
On a basic, intellectual level, Jared knew Chad fooled around on Sophia. They
never talked about it and Jared knew for a fact that Sophia was just as
indiscreet. So it didn’t make a lot of sense that seeing Chad try to get in
some fifteen year old’s pants made Jared want to physically harm something. Or
someone.
“Here,” Jared said curtly, abruptly shoving Chad’s shake under his nose.
Chad looked up sharply, eyes narrowing on Jared like he was trying to figure
something out.
“Thanks,” Chad said slowly, eyebrows raised. Jared ignored him and went to sit
at the less crowded table a few hundred feet away.
He sat, shoulders hunched, head bent over his shake.
By the time the lot had started to empty out, Jared had worked himself into a
fuck of a bad mood.
“You ready to go?” Jared said shortly when Chad wandered over after saying
goodbye to the redhead.
Chad gave Jared a sharp look but he bit his tongue against anything he was
about to say and held his hand out for his keys.
Jared chucked them at Chad and climbed into the cab, slamming the door a little
unnecessarily hard.
"Okay, seriously,” Chad grit out when he was settled in the driver’s seat. He
turned to look at Jared with his jaw set. “What the hell is the matter with
you?”
Jared blew out a breath and sat ramrod straight, back stiff against the seat.
“Nothing,” he muttered. Somewhere in the back of his head he could hear how
fucking ridiculous he sounded, how absolutely stupid he was being.
Chad was looking appraisingly at Jared and then something passed over his face,
the expression of a light bulb going off. “You’re acting like Sophia,” Chad
said slowly, “like she does when she’s jealous.”
“Shut up,” Jared hissed, face flaming bright with embarrassment. That’s exactly
how he’d categorize his behavior. Fuck if he’d ever admit it out loud, though.
Chad shrugged his shoulders. “You know what? Forget it,” he mumbled, shoving
the key into the ignition.
Something in the way he said it irritated the hell out of Jared but he dug his
fingers into his thigh and stared out the window, counting in his head, trying
to get rid of the irrational irritation he was feeling.
It was nearly midnight when Chad pulled up the driveway, parking behind the
house. Jared got out of the car without a word, didn’t bother waiting for Chad
and raced up the stairs to the attic.
He pulled on a pair of cut-off sweats and a threadbare wife beater, grabbed his
iPod and climbed into bed.
He was on his side with his earbuds in his ears, his music up and the lights
off when Chad came into the room.
Jared sat up with a low growl when Chad reached over the bed and yanked Jared’s
earbuds from his ears.
"Okay, you’re really fucking pissing me off,” Chad said, his voice pitched low,
just above a whisper to keep from waking Jared’s grandparents.
Jared shrugged. He had no idea what to say to that. He wasn’t going to
apologize.
Chad's face hardened. "I really don't know what your deal is, could you please
tell me why you've got your fucking panties in a twist?"
That made something bristle in Jared, rage like a heat flooding his face. Jared
hadn’t forgotten the moment before dinner, the feeling that if Mamaw hadn’t
interrupted, something would have happened.
"Fuck you," Jared growled, reaching for his earbuds.
"Fuck you," Chad hissed, pulling them out of reach.
Jared got pissed, then, and scrambled to his knees, pulling Chad into a
headlock and grabbing for his earphones.
"Jesus," Chad wheezed. He managed to get an elbow in Jared's side and Jared
retaliated by yanking on Chad's hair. Chad let out a howl and leaned back,
trying to get away. He overbalanced and tumbled backwards, sending them to the
creaky wooden floor with a thud.
"Fuck," Jared whispered as the breath was knocked out of him when he landed on
his back with Chad's arm across his solar plexus.
Chad fell to his back, panting. There was a bare breath of space between them,
arms nearly touching as they lay still, trying to catch their breath in the
darkness.
They didn't say anything for a while, both of them in their own heads, staring
up at the ceiling.
Jared thought maybe now he had something to apologize for, but he wasn't
actually sorry, so he kept his mouth shut.
Jared struggled to his feet then, wincing at the ache in his back from the
impact of the floor. He stood over Chad, holding out his hand as a lame attempt
at a peace offering.
Chad curled his fingers around Jared’s palm and let Jared haul him up.
They headed to bed wordlessly, though it was a long time before either of them
fell asleep.
 
* * *
 
Sunday morning was church with Mamaw, while Papaw headed to the lake for
fishing.
Morning brought the realization that Jared had behaved like a real asshole and
he felt guilty about it, particularly because Chad hadn’t done anything wrong.
It took him until Wednesday to actually apologize for it. They were eating
large bowls of Frosted Flakes out on the sun porch in front of the television,
watching the Price is Right and sitting with space enough for three people
between them.
They didn’t make a habit of apologizing to each other. Jared shoved a spoonful
of cereal into his mouth, waited until Chad was engrossed in Plinko and said,
“Sorry about being a dick.”
There was a beat of silence. “Okay,” Chad said, not looking away from the
television.
Things were easy between the two of them for a while after that, things not
necessarily forgotten between them but pushed aside.
 
* * *
 
July came with a heat wave the kind of which Abilene hadn’t seen in a few
decades, temperatures in the hundreds, making things as simple as breathing a
chore Jared found challenging.
It was the kind of suffocating heat that made Jared regret even the threadbare
tank top and cut offs he was wearing, everything sticking to him and making it
miserable.
It was late Sunday evening, Jared’s grandparents gone for the evening to visit
friends and it was just Jared and Chad in the living room, fighting for space
in front of the pitiful window unit.
"It's hot as balls," Chad groaned, kicking his feet up into Jared's lap and
pushing his shirt up his stomach. Jared averted his eyes, trying to be casual
about it, the last thing he needed was shit from Chad.
"Fuck off, it's too hot for this shit," Jared said, swiping halfheartedly at
Chad's feet, but it was too much effort. It hurt to sit still, it hurt to move,
everything was painful. This was tolerable, side by side with Chad, doing
nothing more than pulling air into their lungs.
They’d settled on a shitty Nicolas Cage action movie on cable. Commercial
rolled round and Chad dug the heel of his foot into Jared’s leg, high up where
his hip joined his thigh. Jared held himself still, sucking in a breath through
his teeth. Chad didn’t seem to notice, just pushed his toes into Jared’s
stomach. "Go get me some ice cream, I'm fucking melting," Chad pleaded, palms
splayed flat across his belly, head back against the chair. His eyes were
closed, lips wet and slightly parted. Jared curled his fingers tightly in the
arm of the chair and blew out the breath he was holding.
"Seriously?” Jared muttered, bringing his glass of water to his cheek. He
thought about dumping it in his lap, anything to avoid Chad realizing that
Jared was half hard. “What the fuck do I look like?"
"You look like the guy who's gonna get off his lazy ass and get me some fucking
ice cream." Chad said it lazily, no heat behind it and when Jared rolled his
neck to look at Chad with narrowed eyes, he gave Jared a slow, sleepy sweet
smile.
Jared was so beyond screwed. He stood up abruptly then, shoving at Chad’s foot.
In the kitchen he stood in front of the open freezer, inhaling the cold air. He
pressed his palm flat to the hard line of his dick, curled his fingers and
tugged a few times, hunching his shoulders and groaning quietly.
He waited until he thought he could go back into the living room and not have
the urge to come all over himself. He caught his breath and grabbed the carton
of ice cream. He pulled bowls from the glass cabinet, a couple of spoons and
carried everything into the living room.
Jared stopped dead still, nearly dropping everything. Chad had his eyes closed,
his head back and his hand down his loose shorts, his fingers very obviously
curled around his cock. Jared started, stumbled with a thud into the door
frame, the bowls clanking loudly as they knocked together.
Chad opened his eyes slowly, leaning back to look lazily at Jared. He withdrew
his hand deliberately, slow like he had nothing to be embarrassed about. Even
with the heavy heat, Jared could feel the flush on his cheeks. He forced his
eyes on Chad’s face, concentrated on not looking at the obvious hard line of
Chad’s dick.
He tripped into the room and set everything awkwardly down on the coffee table,
handing Chad a spoon.
“JT,” Chad sighed, sinking lower in his chair and taking the bowl of ice cream
Jared dished out for him. “My hero, I think I love you,” he said, pushing a
spoonful into his mouth.
“I bet you say that to all the boys who bring you ice cream,” Jared said, a
concentrated effort to keep his voice light, to keep things easy between them.
Jared felt like the unspoken tension between the two of them since prom night
was starting to take its toll on him and most of that awkwardness was his
fault.
Chad’s eyes were dark, heated, when he slowly pulled the spoon from between his
lips. “Only my favorites,” he said, tilting his head and carefully licking the
corner of his mouth.
Jared dragged his eyes back up to Chad’s, away from the pink wetness of his
mouth.
The shitty movie ended, they finished the carton of ice cream and dragged
themselves up to the attic, pushing exhaustedly at each other.
They used the bathroom together, wrestling for space in front of the sink to
brush their teeth. They kept the lights off in the bedroom as they undressed,
both of them crawling into their respective beds in nothing but their
underwear, too hot to give a shit about anything else.
The clock on the tiny wooden table between their beds said it was close to
midnight. Jared was tired, bone weary even, but he couldn’t calm the race of
his heart. He was still half hard.
His mind wandered, arms folded beneath his head, staring blankly at the ceiling
and the tiny green glowing stars he and Chad had put up the summer Jared turned
ten.
Jared was seven the first time he and Chad shared this room during a week long
break from school when things at Chad's house were less than fine and Chad
walked around with dark circles under his eyes. Things had been simple then,
easy. Nobody thought twice about them spending every waking minute together,
nobody gave them a hard time about falling asleep in the same bed, a comic book
forgotten. Things had changed so much between them since prom, even when things
were fine between them Jared couldn't do anything but think about it, Chad's
breath against his cheek, the smell of his skin, the hitch in his breath when
he came in Jared's hand.
That line of thought was doing nothing to help Jared calm down. The whir of the
fan was loud in the creaky old room, the occasional creak from Chad’s bed
jumping into Jared’s thoughts, the musty wooden smell of the room more
pronounced with the heat.
Jared sighed, giving up on the desire for sleep. “You still awake?” he mumbled
into the darkness.
“Fuck yes,” Chad muttered. “I can’t sleep in this fucking weather.”
Jared rolled so he was sitting, trying to make out Chad’s shadow through the
darkness. He should probably think it through before he brought it up, but he
was past caring. The restless energy, the tension in his bones, he just needed
a break. “Wanna go to the creek?” he asked quietly.
Jared watched Chad sit up abruptly before the words were completely out of
Jared’s mouth. “Hell, yes.” He scrambled out of bed and Jared followed.
They grabbed towels, pulled their shoes on and tried to make as little noise as
possible, careful of the creaky floorboards and Jared’s sleeping grandparents.
“Oh man, JT,” Chad whispered as they crept out the back door. The sky was
clear, a million tiny stars above them, the moon full and casting a wide glow
over the land around them. “I fucking missed doing this.”
Jared was twelve the first time they snuck out of the house in the middle of
the night during an unbearably hot July when Chad had sat at the foot of
Jared’s bed and said, “come on JT, live a little. No one’s going to find out.”
Years later and innumerable nights of sneaking out to go night swimming, Jared
wasn’t convinced his grandparents hadn’t known about it from that first night.
But there was still that thrill of creeping out across the dark fields with
just the night sky for light.
Jared could see the glow from the moon reflecting off the water as they
approached, both of them quiet. He toed out of his shoes, left his shirt and
towel lying in the grass and followed Chad off the dock, slipping into the cool
water.
Jared closed his eyes as the water hit his skin and felt like he could breathe
for the first time in weeks. Being here, just him and Chad, the false sense of
security offered by the darkness, secrets hidden in its depths, all of it made
Jared relax, sinking deep into the water and humming with pleasure as the hot
breeze rustled the water. Jared used to lie awake, in the middle of the night
when school, midterms, football and other frustrations kept him from sleep, and
think about this, being back here with Chad, swimming when it felt like it was
just the two of them, the rest of the world asleep. He’d count the months,
waiting until they could do this again.
After what had happened, the stress of the memory and the tension between the
two of them, there was something reassuring about doing this again, being out
here just the two of them like nothing had changed. Like they were still the
same. It was easier to pretend out here.
“What are you thinking about?” Chad said suddenly, peering at Jared with an
open, inquisitive expression.
Jared shrugged. “Just that it’s nice that some things never change.”
Chad blinked, like that wasn’t the answer he’d been expecting. “Yeah,” he said
softly, after a little while, “I know what you mean.”
They hung out like that, drifting through the water, not saying much but out of
deference to the stillness of the night and not the tension that had been
growing between them over the last couple of weeks.
“I think I might be able to sleep now,” Jared said after a while, when his body
felt sleepy and relaxed.
Chad had climbed out of the water and was standing on the dock, letting the hot
air dry his skin. He didn’t move when Jared used the makeshift ladder to pull
himself up onto the dock, he didn’t take a step back, didn’t offer to give
Jared space.
Jared stumbled over Chad’s foot, shoulder knocking against Chad’s chest. He
hissed out a startled breath and took a step backward.
“Sorry,” Jared mumbled though he wasn’t sure why since Chad was just standing
there like a dead weight. He pushed past Chad, reaching for his towel and
nearly face planted when Chad touched Jared’s waist, his bare wet skin where
his swim shorts had slipped dangerously low.
Jared blew out an annoyed breath and stood to tell Chad to fuck off. Except
Chad tucked his thumb in the waist of Jared’s shorts before Jared could say
anything, pulling Jared forward with enough force that Jared stumbled and found
himself pressed fully and completely against Chad’s wet chest.
“Damn it, Chad,” Jared hissed, bracing a palm flat against the swell of Chad’s
chest.
“JT,” Chad breathed, his lips so close Jared could feel Chad’s breath against
his skin.
“Don’t,” Jared warned, but it sounded pleading, begging. If Chad was just
fucking around with him, Jared was going to punch him in the throat. He’d never
felt this fucking tightly wound, treading a narrow tight wire of anticipation,
waiting for something to give.
Jared was holding his breath, he realized. Chad’s thumb dipped lower, sliding
down the wet skin below the waist of Jared’s shorts. Jared curled his fingers
into Chad’s chest, feeling like he was trying to hold on for dear life. Chad
rubbed his thumb against the faint trail of hair low on Jared’s stomach, low
enough that Jared knew without a doubt that Chad could tell just how hard Jared
was, his cock bumping the back of Chad’s hand.
Jared tried, and failed, to keep his hips from pushing forward. Chad slid his
other hand, palm flat on Jared’s skin, up his spine, a slow fucking erotic
slide that made Jared shiver all over. Chad slid his hand into the wet hair at
the nape of Jared’s neck, fingers curling and tugging.
Jared watched in slow motion as Chad brought them together, the space
disappearing and closed his eyes at the last second when Chad’s lips slid wetly
over his.
Jared’s legs were probably going to give out, he thought with a vague sense of
panic. He wanted to be cooler than this, wanted to have his shit together. But
Chad’s thumb was still rubbing circles low on his skin and his lips were firm,
sweet. Jared had no hope of coming across as anything but completely gone, into
this as far as he could get.
Jared parted his lips a little, trying to get a taste of Chad’s tongue,
anything he could get. Chad licked the sensitive inside of Jared’s lower lip
which Jared really fucking loved, judging by the way he wantonly arched his
hips and tried to rub his dick against Chad’s thigh.
Chad made a low, pleased sound into Jared’s mouth. “JT,” he mumbled, his lips
curving in a sweet smile. He pulled away enough to look at Jared’s face, eyes
dark. Jared’s mouth dropped open, breath stuttering his chest as Chad pushed
his hand the rest of the way into Jared’s shorts, curling his palm around
Jared’s dick.
“Yeah, JT,” Chad mumbled, sliding his fist over Jared’s cock, jerking him with
smooth, even strokes.
Jared made the most embarrassing noise of his life and dropped his forehead to
Chad’s shoulder, breathing harshly and moving his hips in an attempt at some
kind of rhythm.
Chad’s fingers in Jared’s hair tightened, bringing Jared’s head up so Chad
could kiss Jared, mouth open. His hand on Jared’s dick sped up and Jared
realized that Chad intended to get Jared off here, standing on the dock in the
heavy darkness, both of them wet and sticky from the heat. And suddenly nothing
sounded better.
Jared spread his legs a little further, pushed his hips harder into Chad’s hand
and held on as best as he could, opening his mouth to Chad’s tongue. Chad did
the work, Jared just sort of breathed into Chad’s mouth and focused his energy
on not coming too soon. It was a losing game, though, considering he’d been
walking around with a continuous hard on for Chad since they’d gotten here.
It wasn’t going to take much, and it turned out all it took was Chad swiping
the pad of his thumb over the head of Jared’s dick and pushing his own hips
forward so Jared could feel the unmistakeable shape of Chad’s hard dick rubbing
at his thigh. Jared froze as it hit, heat in his spine, balls tightening as he
came with a sharp cry.
“Oh God,” Jared mumbled into Chad’s mouth, panting harshly. Chad’s hand was
still moving on him, milking him through it. Jared hunched in on himself,
jerking sharply with aftershocks until he stilled Chad with a hand on his
wrist.
Chad pulled his hand from Jared’s shorts. Jared watched, breath caught in his
throat as Chad smeared his sticky fingers wetly across Jared’s belly, drawing
lines on Jared’s skin with his own come.
There was something incredibly hot about it that made Jared want to try it in
other ways, the thought of Chad’s come on his own skin, of marking Chad, coming
on his chest, his stomach, maybe his face.
“What are you thinking about?” Chad mumbled, the question different this time.
He pressed his lips to Jared’s jaw, still working his hips against Jared’s
thigh.
“Mmm,” Jared mumbled, the haze of orgasm having destroyed the filter between
brain and mouth. “Coming on you,” he admitted, tilting his head back as Chad’s
teeth closed around Jared’s skin, sucking a bruise into Jared’s throat.
“Yeah?” Chad panted, hips working a little harder. “Is that what you want?”
Jared made a low sound of agreement, pushing his hand between them so he could
get his hand down Chad’s shorts. “Maybe you could come on me,” he suggested a
little breathlessly, curling his fingers around Chad’s dick.
“Shit, JT, you hiding a dirty side I didn’t know about?” Chad gasped, working
himself into Jared’s grip.
Jared thought there was a faint possibility, at least where Chad was concerned,
that maybe he liked things a little dirtier, a little harder than he’d
realized. His jerk off fantasies had evolved into progressively kinkier
scenarios, always involving submitting for Chad in some way. Jared wondered if
it was something he’d be allowed to explore now that this was happening, or if
this was something that they weren’t going to allow a repeat of.
“You close?” Jared breathed, sliding his lips over Chad’s jaw, catching Chad’s
lower lip between his teeth.
“Fuck,” Chad groaned, fingers digging into Jared’s upper arm.
“What do you need?” Jared mumbled, pushing the words into Chad’s mouth.
“Jesus, tell me something,” Chad pleaded, going a little frantic. Jared
grinned. Of course Chad was into dirty talking.
“Hmm,” Jared whispered, keeping his rhythm steady, working Chad the way he’d
work himself. “I jerked off this morning,” he said quietly, trying to keep his
voice even, “I was in the shower and I was thinking about you.”
Chad made a low grinding sound, teeth caught in his lower lip. Jared smiled
against his skin and said, “about how before prom, I never even thought about
sucking a guy off, but I want to suck you.” Fuck, Jared was half hard again.
“I want to get on my knees for you,” he admitted. “I want to know what your
come tastes like, maybe I could swallow. I want to see how much I could take, I
want to know if I could make you come with your dick in my throat.”
Chad’s pulled back eyes flying open as he arched into Jared’s fist. His eyes
were wide, glued to Jared’s. “Holy shit, Jared,” Chad panted and came all over
Jared’s hand.
Jared had done this once before for Chad but now was different, now he was
completely lucid, completely aware of everything he’d done, everything he’d
said. Chad was trying to catch his breath, but he wasn’t pulling away,
scrambling to forget this had happened.
“Well,” Chad mumbled, pressing his face into the warm damp skin of Jared’s
throat, “you’re just full of surprises.” He was laughing, a low, pleased hum
that vibrated through Jared.
“So are you,” Jared grinned. He pulled his hand from Chad’s shorts, wiping his
fingers on Chad’s lower back. Chad made a face. “Guess now we need showers,” he
said and let out a quick, amused laugh.
 
* * *
 
Jared woke up thinking this was something they were going to pretend had never
happened. It wasn’t like with prom, there was no tension between them, Chad was
all smiles, relaxed like someone who’d gotten off the night before. There was
no mention at all the fact that they’d jerked each other off standing out by
the water in the middle of the night. So Jared assumed that not only were they
not going to talk about it, it was going to be like it hadn’t happened at all.
And Jared was pretty sure he was fine with that so long as Chad didn't touch
him.
It didn’t turn out to work out that way, not when Papaw left the two of them
alone in the barn to take a trip into Winslow for some part he needed for the
tractor.
Jared leaning against the work table watching Chad tweak around with something,
quietly taking in the stretch of worn denim tight across Chad’s ass and
thinking about how long he should wait before disappearing so he could go jerk
off.
Jared’s mind had taken off towards a particularly hot scenario, he was off on
another planet, so it took him a little off guard when Chad sidled up to the
table, pushed himself between Jared’s thighs and folded his palm over Jared’s
dick, which of course was hard and pressed up against the seam of his shorts.
“Mm,” Chad said laughingly, curling his fingers tighter. “You weren’t thinking
about me by any chance,” he said lowly, catching Jared’s lower lip between his
teeth.
“Maybe,” Jared groaned, leaning back, weight on his palms so he could lift his
hips up into Chad’s hand.
“Want to go to the creek?” Chad breathed against Jared’s mouth, sliding his
fingers into Jared’s sweat damp hair.
Jared closed his eyes and made a low mumbling sound of agreement.
 
* * *
 
It was one thing to jerk each other off, to whisper filthy things to each other
pressed bare chested together, the water lapping at their skin. It was another
thing completely to step into the dark attic room when the house was silent
with the empty stillness of night and let Chad push him to his narrow twin bed,
Chad crawling up over him, pinning Jared’s arms above his head.
Chad straddled Jared’s chest, weight a firm pressure making it a little
difficult to breathe. “I think you’ve fucked me up, JT,” Chad said quietly,
contemplatively, so completely disarmed and oddly honest.
Jared opened his mouth to say something. Maybe he should apologize, though it
wasn’t like this was cake for Jared either. Chad had gotten in his head and
fucked with him in a way Jared didn’t think would be easily gotten over. Chad
shook his head, forcing Jared’s wrists under his weight, braced under one palm.
He rubbed the thumb of his other hand over Jared’s lips. “Don’t say anything,”
he said quietly.
“Stay like this,” Chad whispered, and let go of Jared’s wrists to sit back,
bracing most of his weight on his folded legs. Jared watched as Chad pulled his
t-shirt over his head, letting it fall to the floor. Of course Jared was hard,
he was sure it was obvious from where Chad was, the thin cotton of his
underwear doing nothing to disguise just how painfully hard he was. Chad’s eyes
were dark, lids heavy as he shifted his weight until he had the hard line of
Jared’s dick beneath his hips.
Jared felt his pulse speed up, the rush of blood to his cock, the heat in his
cheeks. Chad closed his eyes, head falling back as he rocked his hips
experimentally, Jared’s cock sliding along the curve of his ass, both of them
in thin cotton underwear, nothing but two thin layers separating them.
“Jesus,” Chad groaned, circling his hips in a way that made Jared’s eyes roll
back in his head.
If Jared were to think about it later, he’d be mortified about arching up into
Chad and practically pleading, “Chad, kiss me.” Chad was breathing hard,
something frantic and uncontrolled about his movements as he let himself fall
forward, hands curling around Jared’s wrists where his arms were still braced
above his head. Jared opened his mouth for Chad, sucked Chad’s tongue between
his lips and tried his best to keep from falling apart.
The angle was one of the most intense, hottest things Jared had ever felt, his
dick caught in the cleft of Chad’s ass, tucked in the space behind Chad’s
balls, making for this painfully perfect friction that made Jared want to fly
apart.
Chad found a rhythm that really fucking worked for Jared, the intensity and
heat building low in his gut.
It caught Jared completely off guard when Chad went still, teeth catching in
Jared’s lip and came with his dick trapped between them.
Chad buried his face in Jared’s hair, lips against the curve of Jared’s ear and
whispered dirty words of encouragement. “C’mon JT,” Chad mumbled, voice wrecked
and sleepy sounding. “Come all over me, I want to feel it, wanna feel you.” He
pushed his weight back hard, worked his hips over Jared’s dick and sucked at
the pulse point beneath Jared’s jaw.
“Do you want to fuck?” he mumbled like he was just thinking out loud. “You
could put your dick in my ass if you wanted, I think that would be good, see if
you could make me come with your huge dick filling me. Maybe we could try
that.”
Chad was just talking nonsensically to himself at this point, mumbling words
into Jared’s skin and that’s all it took for Jared to push up hard against the
curve of Chad’s ass and come sticky hot in his underwear.
Jared thought maybe Chad was asleep for a second. He’d stopped mumbling,
stopped moving and was lying, a heavy comforting weight, on Jared’s chest.
But then he raised his head, eyes sleepy soft. “JT,” he whispered, letting go
of Jared’s wrists and cupping Jared’s jaw.
This kiss was different, sweet and soft and nothing like what Jared was
expecting. Jared gingerly brought his arms down, testing the muscles in his
shoulders, and palmed Chad’s hips. They kissed, slow and lazy, until Jared felt
like he could fall asleep like this, Chad’s weight on him a reassuring thing.
Eventually they stumbled to their feet, shucking out of their sticky underwear
and crawling into their respective beds.
 
* * *
 
Summer seemed to speed up, the way it always did after the Fourth of July, the
days zipping past them in a blur of mornings in the yard and barn, afternoons
at the creek, more time spent fucking around then actually swimming.
By the time the first of August rolled around, Jared and Chad had developed a
weird sort of relationship that felt a lot like dating. There was a week, after
that first night in the attic, that Jared spent freaking out, doing his best to
convince himself they were just helping each other out, fucking around for the
sake of getting off. Sunday night, when Mamaw and Papaw had gone to town to see
a movie, was when Jared’s eyes were opened to the fact that whatever this was,
it was a fuck of a lot more than just getting off.
He was at the sink doing the rest of the dishes from brunch they’d neglected in
favor of napping in the hammock out behind the barn which had turned into Jared
jerking himself off onto Chad’s bare chest.
His head was a million miles away, replaying the afternoon on a loop, smiling
to himself and shifting his hips to press against the counter for friction.
Chad came into the kitchen from where he was watching golf or something equally
alarming.
“Hi,” he mumbled, tucking his chin over Jared’s shoulder, his fingers curling
around Jared’s hip.
Jared smiled, ducking his head. Chad pressed his lips in a soft, open mouth
kiss at the soft slope of Jared’s neck, and that was it, nothing else, not
attempt to turn it into anything else.
And Jared realized how much trouble they were in.
 
* * *
 
It was a game, in a way, a challenge to see if they could get away with all the
making out and getting each other off right under Jared’s grandparents’ noses.
They spent a lot of time making out, everywhere they could, in the water, in
the loft in the barn, on the sofa out on the back porch when Jared’s
grandparents were out for the evening, in Jared’s narrow twin bed. Jared
wondered at first if that was the thrill, sneaking around and trying not to get
caught.
That was part of it, Jared was sure, except it wasn’t as simple as that. It
couldn’t be, not when Jared’s pulse would skip when Chad came in from the barn,
skin bronzed, covered in sweat and smile a slow, private smile at Jared from
across the kitchen. And the times that they’d forget themselves and fall asleep
in the same bed and Jared would wake in the morning, his forehead pressed to
Chad’s.
The problem was that it was too complicated, too much too fast and there was no
way it was going to end well.
Especially when neither one of them acknowledged that there were girlfriends
they weren’t being honest with.
The scariest fucking part for Jared, the thing that screamed louder than
anything else, was that they didn’t always fuck around. Sometimes, after a long
day spent outside in the sun, both of them exhausted and worn thin, they fell
asleep together in one narrow bed and woke up tangled together, like they’d
just gravitated toward each other in sleep.
Sometime during the last month he'd grown to love the other stuff just as much,
the way Chad rested his hand on Jared's lower back, the way he'd brush his
thumb across Jared's cheek to swipe away the grime from a morning spent
outside. Little things still took him by surprise, the sweet way Chad looked
out for him, took care of him in a way Jared never expected.
Dinners were weird, sitting across the table from each other, trying to hide
this thing from Jared’s grandparents, the electricity between them crackling.
When dinner was over it was a race to get the dishes done so they could
disappear down to the creek, reaching for each other the minute the door had
slammed shut behind them.
Jared walked around with a knot of nerves in his stomach all day, excitement
and anticipation and a hundred other things he couldn’t name.
 
* * *
 
Everything was different here, away from San Antonio, away from school and
girlfriends and football. It was like living in a private bubble where nothing
existed outside, no real world.
The unrealistic part of Jared wished they could stay here forever, that they
didn't have to go back to school, to the real world. They'd never said
anything, but Jared knew somewhere deep down that this was going to end when
they stepped back into reality.
It wasn’t as if they could walk into Madison High School, holding hands and
making eyes at each other. Even if Madison was the type of place where that was
accepted behavior, Chad and Jared were on the football team, both of them with
certain expectations to live up to.
There was no way they could go to football camp, go back to school and their
girlfriends, and keep this up.
So much had changed, irrevocably, for the two of them.
“Stop thinking so much,” Chad mumbled, his voice sleepy soft. He tucked his
nose in against Jared’s hair and breathed out, the steady rise and fall
comforting to Jared when the noise in his head was threatening to drown
everything else out.
They were underneath the thin shade of the small grove of trees by the creek,
having fallen asleep sometime after climbing out of the water in a tangle of
limbs.
“This is going to end,” Jared blurted before he could stop himself. Chad was
wrapped around him from behind, his skin warm and still damp, his lips grazing
the back of Jared’s neck. It was sweet and lazy and Jared was freaking out,
jumping ahead of himself. He felt like a heavy, almost unbearable weight was
sitting on his chest, keeping him from being able to catch his breath.
Chad tightened his hold on Jared, the arm around Jared’s waist pulling him back
more firmly against Chad’s chest.
“We don’t have to talk about this now,” Chad whispered against Jared’s skin.
Jared felt like maybe this is what heartache felt like.
“Yeah,” he agreed. Okay. So what if football camp started in three weeks, so
what if they’d be leaving the farm in twelve days. Jared closed his eyes and
listened to the steady thump of Chad’s pulse. So what.
 
* * *
 
Weeks of fooling around with Chad, of sneaking out to fuck around by the creek,
stealing kisses in hidden corners, tiptoeing around Jared’s grandparents and
Jared was feeling a little like he was getting ready to be marched off to
prison, or something equally melodramatic. The days sped by with the ominous
ticking of a time bomb, Jared watching August come upon them with unforgiving
certainty.
Things had changed irrevocably between them, too late to take it all back.
Worse, though, was that Jared didn’t think he’d go back if given the option.
Now that he knew the way Chad could be, the quiet moments between the two of
them, the way he was without the pressures of the outside world. Jared held it
all inside him like a secret.
Knowing it was coming to an end made things a little more frantic between them,
a sense of urgency underlying every kiss, every moment when it was just the two
of them in the cab of Chad’s truck, the dusty attic room, the hammock behind
the barn. There was this tension between them now, this unspoken deadline
looming above them that made everything feel hurried.
Jared ignored it, tried to pretend that nothing was going to change, because
the thought of leaving, of having this stop, made him feel a little like he was
hyperventilating.
They spent a lot more time in the same bed, which was risky since his
grandmother could come in during the middle of the night to check on them. But
Jared found he didn't really care about that anymore, he'd gotten so he liked
the way it felt to sleep in the tiny narrow bed with Chad pressed against him,
his breath hot against his skin, and waking up sweaty together.
Chad was different too, distant. It was weird to not know what Chad was
thinking when for the longest time, the last ten years practically, he'd been
able to take a look at Chad's face and know everything going on in his head. He
wasn't just different when they weren't fooling around, but when they were
making out or whatever, it was like he held on a little tighter or something.
 
* * *
 
“You’re so quiet lately, Jared honey,” Mamaw said, coming to sit beside Jared
in the empty sun porch where he was trying to finish the summer reading book
aside to all AP Senior English classes.
Jared glanced up at her. He thought of telling her everything was fine. Instead
he said quietly, “summer’s ending.”
Mamaw reached for Jared’s hand, pulling it to her lap. “Yes,” she agreed,
“summer’s ending. And you and Chad are going back to San Antonio, to everything
the outside world expects of you.”
Jared closed his eyes against the panic suddenly filling him.
“What a lucky thing it is then, that all Chad has ever expected of you is that
you be his friend.” Jared’s eyes flew open, startled. He opened his mouth but
Mamaw shushed him.
She pressed her lips to Jared’s forehead. “Don’t forget the things that matter
most, Jared.” She said quietly.
Jared rested his cheek against her shoulder and let out the breath he’d been
holding.
 
* * *
 
The last week disappeared before Jared could blink, the days blurring together
in a rush of time slipping past his reach.
Thursday evening Jared was hiding in the attic away from anymore possible
moments with his grandmother in case she wanted to chip away at all of Jared’s
secrets. He was taking a shower, tempted to stay there until the water ran
cold.
He nearly jumped out of his skin when the shower curtain was pushed back. Chad
stood there naked, covered in sweat and dirt.
"Chad," Jared gasped, standing still under the spray, blinking at Chad.
Chad give him a small, private smile and climbed into the tub, herding Jared
back up against the wall. He didn't say anything, but he had this intent look
in his eyes, determination.
Jared watched, water streaming down his face, and felt his cheeks flush, his
dick getting hard. Chad curled his fingers around Jared's wrist and brought
Jared's arm up the wall to rest high up near Jared's head. He did the same with
Jared's other arm until Jared was immobile. Chad was just looking at him,
unblinking, and then he leaned in and kissed Jared, open mouth and tongue
pushing between Jared's lips.
Jared gasped and arched, and tried to push his hips forward, wanting Chad
against him.
All the times they'd jerked each off over the last few weeks, this was the
first time they'd been naked together, really completely naked.
Jared groaned into the kiss and tried to get Chad closer, which was difficult
since he couldn't really move. It was pretty fucking thrilling, actually, if a
little frustrating when all he wanted was to slide his hands over Chad’s skin
and touch until he’d gotten his fill. If it was at all possible.
"Chad," he whispered, "come on. Touch me, do something. Fuck.”
Chad made an inquisitive noise and then he was closing the space between their
bodies, his chest sliding against Jared's, pushing a thigh between Jared's
legs.
Something happened, suddenly, this flood of heat everywhere as they lined up,
dicks brushing, bodies sliding together, slick and wet. Jared pulled back, head
landing against the wall with a faint thud and he arched up into Chad, feeling
like he was going to come all over himself in a second. Jesus.
His head was a confused jumble of emotions and he couldn’t concentrate on
anything but the wet press of Chad’s skin against him, sliding erotically over
him.
Chad let go of one of Jared's wrists to wrap his fingers around Jared's dick.
He pressed his lips to Jared's jaw and jerked him off, once, twice and Jared
opened his mouth to tell Chad to stop, he was going to come and then Chad was
sliding to his knees in front of Jared, looking up at him with the water
falling in his face.
"Oh God," Jared moaned, hips pushing up off against the wall.
Chad braced Jared back against the wall with a hand on his hip, the other
curling around the base of his dick.
"Don't - " Jared gasped trying to warn Chad away because this was going to get
embarrassing in less than a second. Jared couldn't tear his eyes away from
Chad's face, from the way he was looking at him, dark and intent and hotter
than anything in Jared's life until this moment.
Chad opened his mouth and took the tip of Jared's dick between his lips.
Jared's hand came down, fingers pushing through Chad's wet hair.
"Chad - " Jared said as a warning but Chad ignored him, nudged Jared's palm
like a friendly cat, and sucked experimentally at the wet head of Jared's dick.
"Oh shit," Jared mumbled, curling his fingers tighter in Chad's hair, feeling
like he might fall apart in a second.
Chad hummed, pleased and sucked a little harder and Jared lost it completely,
pushed Chad off him as he came suddenly, hunched in on himself. Jared watched,
fascinated and a little horrified as his come landed on Chad's cheek, his jaw,
white across his wet, open mouth.
It took a second to catch his breath, eyes clenched shut. When he could breathe
again, he pried his eyes open cautiously. Chad was looking up at him, a weird
look on his face that Jared couldn't place. His eyes fell on Chad's hand,
fingers digging into his thigh.
"Chad, what-" Jared stuttered, confused.
"Give me a second," Chad whispered, and bent his head, eyes closed. He stood up
a second later, and he was crowding Jared backwards, leaning into him to kiss
Jared, frantic and open mouthed, Jared's come still on his skin.
"Fuck," Chad hissed into the kiss, reaching for Jared's hand. "Touch me JT,
fuck," he mumbled. Jared groaned, and wrapped his hand around Chad's dick.
"You liked that?" Jared breathed, his hand moving over Chad.
Chad moaned, hips pushing into Jared, "oh God, you have no fucking clue," Chad
gasped.
Jared pulled back a little, hand still working, to look at Chad. His face was
flushed, his eyes glassy. Jared swiped his thumb through the come on Chad's
cheek, dragged it to the corner of Chad's mouth, experimentally. He smeared his
thumb across Chad's wet lower lip, testing the waters so to speak. Chad was
watching him, breath coming in short bursts. He curled his fingers around
Jared's upper arm, bracing himself.
Jared pulled his hand away from Chad's face and watched, chest heaving as
Chad's tongue came out, swiping at his sticky lower lip.
And just like that, Jared's come on his tongue, Chad let out a low cry and came
all over Jared's hand.
Jared watched, stunned, hand still moving on Chad and then he groaned and
yanked Chad forward with a hand curled around the back of his neck. He opened
his mouth over Chad's, licked the taste of himself from Chad's tongue and
rubbed against him, already half hard again.
He held on, felt Chad give in and relax against him, felt his heart rate slow
and speed up again until they were both panting, clinging to each other beneath
the water, which had gone cool.
They climbed unsteadily out of the shower, hands sliding over wet skin, unable
to stop touching each other.
Chad backed Jared up against the sink, his hands at Jared’s waist.
“I’m freaking out,” Jared mumbled into Chad’s mouth before he could stop
himself.
“About this?” Chad whispered. Jared shook his head. “About going home.”
Jared waited for Chad to insist they not talk about this now, but it didn’t
happen, Chad just continued rubbing soothing circles into Jared’s hip.
“Yeah,” Chad said eventually. “I kind of am too.”
And that was the dam breaking, the crack in the defense Jared needed. He pulled
enough that he could get a good look at Chad’s face. He pushed gently at Chad’s
shoulder, needing a little bit of space, to sort the blur in his head. Chad
took a patient step backward and Jared crossed the narrow bathroom.
“I need to talk about this,” Jared admitted, a sense of urgency bubbling in him
now that the weekend and their departure was coming up. “I need you to tell me
how this is supposed to work,” Jared said, feeling a little like he was
pleading with Chad to give him something impossible.
"JT," Chad sighed sadly, reaching for Jared's wrist. He curled his fingers
around the bone, thumb rubbing over the thin skin there. He tugged Jared
forward, until they were fit together like puzzle pieces, lining up the way
Jared had discovered came sort of naturally to them.
Jared rested his cheek against Chad’s shoulder. “How are we supposed to go
back,” he mumbled, throat closing around the words.
Chad slid his palm underneath Jared’s t-shirt, a gesture meant to comfort.
Jared hummed, just to keep the sadness at bay, to have something else to focus
on.
“We’ll figure out,” Chad mumbled. “We’ll make it work.”
Jared didn’t bother pretending to believe him.
 
* * *
 
It was an active decision on Jared’s part that they not see each other over the
week before football camp.
He was feeling a million things at once and he couldn’t handle any of them, not
the regret, the guilt, the hurt, the anger. But most of all he hated how much
he fucking missed it, all of it. He missed the swimming hole and watching Deal
or No Deal with Papaw, sitting with Mamaw while she went over the books for the
farm. And he missed Chad. That was maybe the worst part, the ache somewhere low
in his chest, something huge missing now that the summer was behind them.
Chad called. He called on Saturday evening after he’d dropped Jared at home,
asking if he wanted to go to a party. He called twice on Sunday and a few times
over the course of the week. Jared let his voicemail get all of them and didn’t
bother calling Chad back.
He understood Chad’s need to pretend everything was fine between them, his need
for the illusion that they could just go back to being best friends. Jared
couldn’t do it.
So instead he spent the week sleeping late, hanging out in ratty shorts, eating
too much and jerking off too often. He saw Sandy a couple of times but he was a
terrible liar and there were only so many times he could tell her everything
was fine, he was just tired. He could tell she was growing impatient with him.
He invited her over Friday night, the night before camp started and they hung
out in the air conditioned basement, watching a So You Think You Can Dance
marathon on VH1.
"I know you’re sick of hearing this,” Sandy said during a commercial, turning
her head on his shoulder, “but you know you can talk to me.” Jared opened his
mouth and she sighed, turning to kneel over his lap. She cupped his jaw. “Don’t
tell me everything’s fine. You don’t have to pretend with me.”
Jared’s throat felt tight, things he couldn’t say to her building and sitting
heavy in his chest.
"You're quiet all the time lately," Sandy continued, her thumb stroking over
his skin. “I know you miss the farm, I know it sucks that you have to go to
football camp, and school starts the week after that. But this is more than
that.”
“Sandy,” Jared whispered, curling his fingers around her wrist where she was
touching his face. “I just.” How could he tell her the truth. How could he tell
her he was in love with someone who wasn’t her, someone who didn’t love him
back, not in the way he wanted. He couldn’t hurt her that way.
He just said, “thank you. I just need a little time, okay?”
She climbed off him but kept his hand in hers. He could tell she thought she
was changing the subject when she said, “Where's Chad? I thought he'd be over
here, I’m surprised I haven't seen him." Sandy handed Jared her can of Pepsi
and he took it, downing it in one go.
Jared shrugged, feeling antsy. "I don’t know, I think he and Sophia had a lot
of catching up to do." That’s where he imagined Chad to be, when he was feeling
masochistic enough to think about it.
Sandy shook her head. "I mean, Sophia saw him the first night you guys got
back, but she said he's busy with something, at least that's what he told her."
She was looking intently at him like she was expecting there was a secret Jared
was going to share with her.
Jared kept his eyes on the television, unblinking. "Guess he's got family stuff
going on," he said flatly.
"It's just weird to see you without him attached to your hip," Sandy shrugged,
burrowing in closer to Jared.
Jared didn't want to talk about this, he didn't want to think about Chad much
less talk about why he wasn't hanging around. He pulled Sandy in closer against
him and kissed her neck.
"Wanna go upstairs?" he mumbled against her skin. She hummed and wrapped her
arms around his neck, arching into him.
He took her to his bedroom, ignoring all the noise in his head, ignoring the
chant telling him what an asshole he was for lying to her, for leading her on,
for wanting something else, something that wasn’t her.
The room was dark, cool from the whir of the ceiling fan and Sand shivered when
Jared slipped his hands beneath her t-shirt. She pulled him onto the bed with
her, fingers curling in his hair, legs falling open and he kissed her,
pretending he wasn't thinking of anything else.
Afterwards, she rested her head on his chest and sighed, content. "Mmm, that
was different," she said sleepily, "really good different."
Jared rubbed her back awkwardly and closed his eyes.
 
* * *
 
On Friday morning, Jared's mom dropped him at the high school were the rest of
the football team was crowding onto the buses.
"Tell Chad I miss his face and he shouldn't be a stranger," his mama said as he
climbed out of the car with his duffle. Jared hid his scowl and just said,
"thanks Momma, see you in a couple weeks."
Jared climbed onto the bus. Chad was sitting towards the back, the seat beside
him empty. He looked up and raised his eyebrows, motioning to the seat next to
him.
Jared took a breath and ignored him, choosing an empty bench near the front of
the bus.
"Whoa," Mike said loudly, as Jared climbed into his seat.
"Did you two have a lover's quarrel or something?" Mike asked, leaning over the
back of the seat and nudging Jared.
"Fuck off," Jared muttered, pushing his earbuds into his ears.
Mike laughed. "Sorry, touchy subject?"
Jared curled his hands into fists and shoved them under his thighs to keep from
reaching out and punching Mike in the nose.
It took an hour to get to the college where camp was held and Jared spent the
whole time staring at the window and listening to angry punk he'd stolen off
Chad a few years back when Chad was going through a phase.
Jared was, blessedly, assigned one of the few singles when they arrived at the
dorm. He took his key and room assignment and took off into the building,
saying a silent prayer to whoever had arranged that stroke of luck.
"JT!" Chad shouted. Jared was trying to get the door unlocked, and he turned to
see Chad coming down the hallway.
Jared hunched his shoulders and jimmied the key, trying to get the lock
unstuck.
"Jared," Chad hissed, standing next to Jared. "What the fuck is wrong with you?
Is your phone broken?"
Jared ignored him because if he was going to get through the next few weeks, he
really needed Chad to leave him alone.
Chad let out a frustrated breath and grabbed Jared's shoulder, spinning him so
they were facing each other.
"Seriously? What the fuck, are you ten?"
Jared dropped the key, startled. His heart was pounding loudly in his ears and
his fingers were shaking.
"Don't touch me," he mumbled, low, eyes on a point somewhere behind Chad's
head.
"JT," Chad said, kind of sad, alarmed. He didn't move his hand though.
"I mean it," Jared said. There was no anger in his voice, just resignation that
this was going to be a rough couple of weeks and Chad had no plans to make it
any easier on either of them.
"Chad," Jared said, forcing himself to meet Chad's eyes, though he felt like he
was showing way too much of himself at this point. "If you're trying to make
this more difficult, you win."
"I'm not -" Chad started and Jared shook his hand off him.
"Don't touch me, I can't pretend everything's fine, I can't just go back, so
fucking back off."
Chad took a step backward, his face falling, eyes sad.
"Please," Jared mumbled as an afterthought. "Let's just get through this."
Chad nodded, looking like he wanted to argue but thought better of it.
 
* * *
 
Jared heard the whispers move through the team, everyone talking in hushed
tones about what had happened between him and Chad, everyone speculating and no
one having a fucking clue.
Jared didn't think he really blamed them for wanting to know. He and Chad were
inseparable, had gone through pewee football and city league, had played
freshman football together and everyone who knew them knew the way things were.
It was hard to find one without the other.
He didn't have much patience though for the looks guys were giving him,
skirting around him like they were sure he was going to blow a fuse.
Tyler sat down beside Jared in the dining hall at breakfast. "You're not going
to give me anything?" he pleaded, pushing a forkful of egg into his mouth.
Jared ignored him.
"JT," Tyler said and Jared went completely still.
Recognition fell on Tyler's face as he realized what he'd said.
"No one calls me that but Chad," Jared said flatly. Tyler opened his mouth to
say something and Jared pushed his tray abruptly away and stood up.
"Forget it," he said.
He was halfway out of the hall when Chad caught up to him, grabbing him by the
wrist and pulling him out in the hallway.
"Get off me," Jared hissed, pulling out of Chad's grip.
"You have to fucking cut this shit, you're acting like a scorned lover and
people are talking."
"Fuck you. People have talked since we were in middle school, when have you
ever given a flying fuck what people said?" They used to laugh about it, found
it hilarious the jokes people made about the two of them being life partners or
whatever the fuck. It didn't seem so funny these days, though mostly that was
Jared's fault.
"I give a shit," Chad grit out, pushing into Jared's space, "because you're
pouting like a fucking pussy and this is my team you're fucking up."
Jared felt himself get red and before he could talk himself out of it he bent
low and shoved his shoulder into Chad's stomach, sending them both to the
floor.
Chad rolled over, taking Jared with him and Jared got his knee up between them
enough to shove Chad off him.
He scrambled to his feet and left Chad lying there, blinking up at Jared,
alarmed.
Jared turned without a word.
 
* * *
 
Two a days had always dragged on for Jared but now they were an exercise in
pure torture. Jared didn't particularly like football the way most of the other
kids on the team did. He played because he was good at it, and because Chad was
on the team. Now, though, he found himself thinking about just walking away.
Basketball was his thing, football just another thing he did because Chad did
it.
"How mad do you think dad would be if I quit?" Jared said to his mama after
afternoon practice.
"Jared," his mama said, sounding worried. "What are you talking about? You love
football."
Jared laughed, a harsh, hollow sound. They both knew better. Jared had never
loved football. “Okay, wrong choice of words,” she conceded. “But you’ve always
loved being part of the team.”
Jared picked at the faded poster hanging on the wall beside the telephone.
"Maybe I'm just over it." And maybe everything else in his life had changed and
football was just another thing he didn’t want to hang onto.
"Well," Sharon said, uncertain. "Your daddy sure would be disappointed, but
he'd understand. You know we’ll support you, whatever you decide." Jared waited
for her to tell him it was a phase he'd grow out of but she didn't say anything
else.
"I gotta go," he said abruptly, suddenly homesick for her and not wanting to
drag this out any longer.
"Okay sweetheart. Take care of yourself, you’ve got me a little worried these
days.” Jared felt that familiar knot of guilt that seemed ever present these
days, sitting heavy in his stomach.
Jared swallowed. "I know Momma, I'm okay."
Jared hung up and wandered back to his room, feeling like the walls had started
to close in when he wasn't looking.
He'd managed to survive a week of this bullshit but he wasn't sure he'd make it
through one more. Quitting had its appeal. He could go home and not have to
endure the whispering going on. He wouldn't have to see Chad and remember
things he was better off forgetting.
He flopped onto his back on the narrow bed and folded his arms under his head.
It wouldn't solve anything though. It wasn't as if he could drop out of school.
Quitting wasn't going to fix anything.
He couldn't hide what he wanted, that was the problem. Screw his pride, he
couldn't pretend he didn't want things to go on the way they'd been at the
farm. More often than not he woke up sweating and hard, having dreamt of Chad
in some form or another, fooling around in the creek, rolling around in the bed
in their attic room. Maybe if Chad wasn’t walking around like everything was
fine, maybe Jared might be able to deal a little better. Something told him
probably not.
 
* *
 
Jared was dreaming. His subconscious was hyper aware that it was all a dream,
but his body didn't give a fuck. He and Chad were under the tree by the creek,
naked and wet from swimming and Chad was trailing his lips down Jared's chest,
Jared's fingers curling in Chad's hair and pushing him lower.
There was a loud thumping sound coming from far away, breaking through the haze
of the dream. It pulled Jared awake and he lay still, heart pounding, sweating,
hard and aching. It took him a second to figure out someone was knocking at the
door.
"Shit," Jared groaned, pulling his pillow over his head and trying to catch his
breath.
The knocking continued. He rolled to his feet, grabbed his shirt from the floor
and yanked it over his head, trying to pull it down to hide the hard outline of
his dick against the thin cotton of his boxers.
Jared opened the door enough to see who it was, standing behind it as a shield.
Jared blinked into the dim light from the hallway. It was Chad, standing in his
boxers and a t-shirt, shoulders hunched in on himself, eyes sleepy.
Jared's dream came back to him in a flash of heat and he gripped the door,
pushing his hips against it hard.
"Chad," Jared said, his voice rough from sleep, his mouth dry. "What are you
doing?"
"Um," Chad looked unsure. There was something about him like this that was
vaguely familiar, but Jared couldn't quite put his finger on it. "I couldn't
sleep?" Chad's weak smile was sheepish, like he knew Jared wasn't going to buy
it.
"Chad," Jared sighed, pressing the heel of his palm to his eyes.
Chad took a breath then and shuffled forward leaning his forehead against the
door, suddenly a breath away from Jared.
"JT," he whispered, "I miss you."
Jared's breath caught. "Cut it out," he hissed. It didn't sound very strong in
his ears.
"Come on, just once," Chad said. He touched Jared's neck where his skin was
warm and flushed from sleep. Jared took a startled step backward. Chad wasn't
playing fair.
"We’re not doing this anymore, remember?" Jared whispered, a little frantic.
"I'm sorry," Chad said, and he looked like he really meant it. "I know things
are really fucked up right now, but I miss you and I'm just-" he sighed, a
shaky breath, "I'm so fucking horny."
Jared thought about telling Chad to deal with it himself, but the selfish part
of him, the part that had just woken up from a dream about being with Chad like
that, wanted it. And Chad knew it.
"I kind of hate you sometimes," Jared said, resigned, holding the door open.
As soon as the door slid shut, Chad was crowding Jared up against it, mouth
open, tongue pushing hotly into Jared's mouth. Jared let out a tiny moan he
couldn't quite stifle and slid his palms down Chad's back, his skin warm
through the thin material of his t-shirt. He pulled Chad forward by his hips,
his own coming up off the wall.
Jared hated himself a little then, for how much he loved this, how much he'd
missed it. And for how easy that had been for Chad.
Jared pushed Chad away, a hand flat on his chest, enough to catch his breath.
Chad looked startled for a second and then Jared was pushing him down to the
bed and crawling over him, weight on his elbows, a leg pushing between Chad's.
Jared kissed Chad hard on the mouth and slid down the bed, kneeling between
Chad's spread legs.
"Up," Jared mumbled, tugging on Chad's boxers as Chad lifted his hips.
"Yeah, JT, fuck," Chad encouraged, tangling his fingers in Jared's hair.
Jared took Chad between his lips, the head wet with pre-come, and pressed the
palm of his hand against the front of his underwear, groaning and pushing into
his fist.
It didn't take long for Chad to come, bitter and hot on Jared's tongue. "Fuck,"
Chad sighed, pulling Jared up over him and kissing Jared, licking into his
mouth.
Chad wrapped his arm around Jared's shoulders, pulling him close and Jared just
breathed into the kiss and worked his hips against Chad's. Chad worked a hand
between them, fingers warm when they curled around Jared. Chad kissed him
through it, his fist sliding over Jared, his tongue licking into his mouth,
teeth grazing his lower lip.
Chad got his other hand down the back of Jared's shorts, his fist on Jared's
dick speeding up. Jared panted into the kiss, feeling like he was falling
apart.
Chad's index finger trailed down the line of Jared's ass, sliding in the sweat
that had gathered at the base of Jared's spine. Jared's breath stopped in his
chest. Chad's finger circled, resting at Jared's hole, not pushing, just
testing.
Jared pulled back, panting, and pressed his face to Chad's neck, pushing back
into Chad's finger, a kind of tingling feeling starting somewhere low in his
gut.
"Oh fuck," Jared groaned. He couldn't believe how fucking good this was and
Chad hadn't really done anything yet.
Chad's hand on Jared's dick stilled, his grip loosening. He didn't pull away,
but he stopped sliding his fist over Jared.
"What -" Jared protested but Chad just kissed his jaw and pushed a little, the
tip of his finger slipping past the resistance until Jared had Chad's finger
inside him.
Chad tightened his hand again and Jared pushed his hips back into Chad, cried
out and came all over Chad's fist, warm wetness spilling between them.
Jared lay panting against Chad's neck, Chad's finger still inside him, his cock
still half hard.
He turned his head and found Chad's mouth, pushed his tongue between Chad's
lips and kissed him almost frantically, an urgency he couldn't remember ever
feeling before.
Chad wiped his hand covered in Jared's come on the sheet and pulled his other
hand away. "Good?" Chad mumbled, grinning.
"Fuck," Jared nodded. He rolled to his back, still breathing hard.
"That wasn't fair," he said after a while, staring at the ceiling. He felt Chad
roll to his side, pressing against him.
"I know," Chad said quietly. "I'm an asshole." He didn't sound apologetic,
though there was a hint of remorse in the way he said it.
"I'm kind of easy," Jared admitted. He didn't add that it was pretty much just
where Chad was concerned. Chad already knew that Jared was in this more deeply
than they'd bargained for. Saying it out loud wasn't really necessary.
"You should go," Jared whispered, rolling to his side facing away from Chad.
Not that he wanted it, but it was already fucked up enough without letting
himself fall asleep with Chad, just when he'd gotten so he didn't think about
it every second of the day, didn't think about Chad's lips against his skin as
he slept.
* * *
It didn't happen again. They made it through the rest of football camp without
saying much to each other, though Jared wasn't as hostile as he'd been. Chad
didn't come back and Jared tried not to think too much about it.
Jared was sitting alone in the front, had gotten on the bus ahead of everyone
and when Chad sat down beside him with his jaw set, daring Jared to say
something, Jared just shrugged and turned to look out the window.
Jared's mom was waiting for him when the bus pulled into the parking lot.
Chad was hanging out by the bus doors when Jared climbed down. “I’ll see you on
Monday?" Chad said uncertainly. He looked like he might throw up. Jared sighed
and nodded, thinking maybe things might get easier if he didn’t spend so much
time avoiding Chad.
"I think I'm going to go lie down," Jared said when they got home, feeling like
he could sleep for a week and still feel like it wasn't enough.
"Okay, sweetheart. Let me know if you need anything." Jared's mama swept his
hair out of his eyes and leaned up to kiss his cheek.
Jared trudged up the stairs, throwing his things in a pile by the door.
He sat at the edge of his bed, an exhausted ache in his shoulders. Next week
school started, which meant seeing people he didn't really want to see, eight
hours a day spent with Chad, spent watching Sophia plaster herself all over
him, knowing what it was he no longer had.
"Jesus," Jared groaned, falling back against the pillows, throwing an arm over
his eyes. The problem was, somewhere along the line, he'd turned into a big
fucking mess, melodramatic and simpering.
Jared was almost asleep when there was a familiar clanking noise he hadn’t
heard in a long time. His eyes flew open and he held his breath, thinking maybe
he’d imagined it.
He scrambled to sit up at the knock at the window.
Chad was sitting on the ledge outside Jared’s room, peering in through the
dusty glass.
Jared reached for the lock and yanked the window open. “What are you doing
here?” he said, aware he was staring stupidly at Chad, mouth open like a guppy.
“I owe you a couple hundred apologies,” Chad said quietly, leaning against the
window frame, shoulders hunched, a pink flush staining his cheeks.
Jared felt a little like someone had put a fist in his stomach. “I’m sorry,”
Jared said, “what the fuck did you just say?”
Chad grimaced. “You’ve never heard me apologize before?”
Jared frowned, an eyebrow raised.
“Yeah,” Chad sighed. “Probably not.”
“So, um,” Jared said blankly, sitting down with a thud at the edge of the bed.
“Are you going to come in or are you going to just sit there like an asshole?”
Chad laughed, a sharp startled sound that made Jared grin despite how tired,
how completely run down he felt. Chad smiled, a sheepish half smile, and
crawled through the window. He stood there, hovering in Jared’s space, all
awkward uncertainty.
“I’m shit at this, JT,” Chad blurted suddenly. “I’m scared shitless right now,
that’s the most honest thing I can think of to tell you.”
Jared stood up abruptly, opened his mouth to say things about how Chad wasn’t
the only one but Chad held out a hand, cutting Jared off. “That, and I told
Sophia.”
Jared’s stomach bottomed out somewhere around his toes. He stared blankly at
Chad, waiting for something else, like maybe an announcement that the Easter
Bunny was real or something.
“I’m freaking out, Jared,” Chad said quietly, taking an uncertain step forward.
“I don’t know how this works, I don’t know what we’re doing. But the last three
weeks were shit, I fucking hated every second of it.” He frowned, taking a
breath. “I think Sophia might be planning my death right about now, by the way,
and possibly yours.”
“Chad,” Jared breathed. He moved cautiously towards Chad. “I can’t believe you
did that.”
“Yeah well,” Chad said, shrugging like it was no big thing. Jared knew better.
“JT,” Chad mumbled, reaching out a tentative hand. Jared went, letting Chad
pull him closer. “I’m sort of into you,” he said softly.
“You’re an idiot,” Jared mumbled, tucking his face against Chad’s neck,
thinking if he was imagining it all due to some exhaustion related
hallucination, he’d be fine if it never ended.
“I kind of am,” Chad said softly, curling his fingers in Jared’s hair, thumb
stroking over the soft skin at the nape of his neck. “You love me anyway,” he
said, lips curved in a hopeful smile.
Jared hummed, lips hovering over the stubble lining Chad’s jaw. “I kind of do,”
he agreed, tucking his thumb in Chad’s belt loop and pulling him to the bed.
 
                                  [ the end ]
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