Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10543401.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural_RPF
  Relationship:
      J2_AU_-_Relationship
  Character:
      Jared, Jensen
  Additional Tags:
      Mild_Gore, Mental_Institutions
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-04-04 Words: 3243
****** A Delicate Balance ******
by blackrabbit42
Summary
     ...JA does not differentiate between the “Jared” he has constructed
     in his mind and JP the actual person....
++++++++
“Where were you yesterday, Jay?” Jensen’s hands are trembling slightly, but
Jared kind of likes how it feels on the too-taut skin of his cock. Reassuring.
“You know,” he answers into Jensen’s ear. He lets the words be just accusatory
enough to remind Jensen but not enough to make him mad. It’s a delicate
balance; it doesn’t go well for them when Jensen gets mad.
“Oh, yeah. The new nurse. She’s sneaky.” This means that she had watched Jensen
long enough to notice he had pocketed his meds.
“You have to be sneakier,” Jared says.
“And she’s a bitch.” This means she had forced the pills down Jensen’s throat.
Jared had watched, dismayed; there was nothing he could do about it.
“Well, I’m back today.” Jared pushes Jensen back on his bed, listening to the
crumple-sound of the vinyl mattress beneath them. “Did you miss me?” He uses
his clever long fingers to work at the knot on Jensen’s hospital bottoms,
pausing now and then to palm Jensen’s balls through the thin cotton.
“I don’t feel so good today, Jay,” Jensen says. “I feel like I’m coming apart,
floating out of my skin, you know?”
Jared hums a “hmm-mm” into Jensen’s ribcage.
“I need you to hold me in. Press me down, okay?”
Jared stops working on the knot, worms his fingers in through the fly instead
and pulls Jensen out, hot and sweaty against his palm. He slots him snugly in
the hollow of his stomach and lays his weight over Jensen, pressing down until
he can feel the creak of ribs, the almost-too-much compression of lungs and
heart. When Jensen stills under him, he lifts up a little on his elbows,
centering his weight on his hips instead, grinding down against Jensen’s
erection. “Better?” he asks.
Jensen, not quite having his breath back yet, nods. “Thanks, Jay.” He brings
his shaking hand up to the side of Jared’s face and opens his mouth to let in
Jared’s breath. Jared licks into it, the visceral heat and wetness of Jensen’s
mouth is like a vindication.
++++++++
Jared is luckier than most imaginary people. He used to be a real human once
with a life away from Jensen (ok, well, half a life away from Jensen), so
Jensen imagined him being able to do things on his own. Most other imaginary
people are tied to their imaginer, spending the long agonizing hours of sleep
or medication-induced stupor in limbo, just waiting for their person to wake
up.
But not Jared. He walks down the hallways at night, and the others watch him
through narrowed eyes. Most of them are ugly, with nothing but poison for
breath and voice. Once in a while, a helpful little friend shows up for some of
the younger ones, but they don’t last long. They get eaten. No one can touch
Jared, though. Jensen imagines him larger than life—strong, healthy,
invincible. Part of what keeps Jensen in this place and, by extension, keeps
Jared alive, is the fact that Jensen just can’t wrap his head around the idea
that Jared could die.
He’s smart, too. He’s watched Dr. Hallet enough to have teased her computer
password out of the lightning fast finger movements she makes when she types it
in. He knows where to find Jensen’s files in her system. Jensen had said “Where
were you yesterday,” which leads Jared to believe that he was only gone for one
day. He needs to check. So far, he’s been able to come back after as much as a
three-day absence, but any more than that and all bets are off.
September 12
JA presents more sedated than usual, but uncharacteristically perseverating on
“Jared.” Patient was unable to participate in group therapy, school hours, or
meal times due to persistent questioning about the whereabouts of “Jared.” As
this is contrary to the trend of improvement that has been documented, no
change in medication or treatment is recommended at this time. We will continue
to monitor and evaluate.
It is important to note that JA does not differentiate between the “Jared” he
has constructed in his mind and JP the actual person. Until this delusion is
resolved, little progress can be made. An extension has been filed to delay the
inquest until such time as JA’s perception of reality can be determined to be
consistent with the facts of the case.
It is this clinician’s opinion that…
Okay, so that’s good. No lasting harm done. It’s time to go wake up Jensen.
Jared is stronger when Jensen is sleep deprived.
++++++++
Jared stands behind Jensen’s chair and whispers into his ear, telling him the
right things to say. It’s hard to hear himself think over the racket of the
other imaginary people, because they all need to shout; most of their people
have taken their meds.
“You can do this Jensen and when we’re done,” he pauses to slide a hand down
into the collar of Jensen’s shirt and tweaks his nipple. “I’ll suck you off,
wet and sloppy in the rec room. But you got to keep it together. You want to
stay in this place forever?”
Like he said. It’s a delicate balance. If Jensen is too messed up or starts
losing his temper, they’ll be stuck here. But if he really gets better, if he
starts taking his meds and listening to the therapists, there’s no telling what
will happen to Jared. He guesses what he really wants is for Jensen to be able
to fake it just enough to get let out.
Dr. Hallet is speaking. “Jensen, let’s talk about your day yesterday. Do you
remember how upset you were? What do you think triggered that?”
“Lie,” Jared tells him. “Say you think it was your sister’s birthday and you
wished you could have been home for it. Say it stressed you out.”
Jensen repeats the lie beautifully. Later, the cafeteria sends him a pink
frosted cupcake with his lunch. Jensen is too anxious to get to the rec room;
he leaves it on his tray.
“You did good back there,” Jared says, before inching Jensen’s cock into his
mouth. He takes it in deep, feels that it’s too much for the tight muscles of
his throat, but he doesn’t gag. Jensen imagines that he’s really, really good
at this.
Jensen grins and smiles down at Jared, winding his fingers through his hair,
guiding his mouth up and down the shaft of his cock. It’s that smile that gives
Jared hope that they’ll get out of here one day. It’s a wholesome, raised on
the farm with plenty of fresh air and sunshine smile; it doesn’t belong in a
place like this. It will be enough to fool Dr. Hallet someday.
They’re getting away with a lot today, because normally a blow job in the rec
room would be out of the question. But there’s some stupid thing on TV that has
even the orderlies unable to tear their eyes away. Jensen faces the window, and
he’s had enough practice coming silently that no one notices a thing.
++++++++
Dr. Hallet referred to him once as “Jensen’s Demon.” Jared can only hope that
one day he’ll be that lucky. The imaginary people with black eyes, they’re the
ones here for good. No amount of meds or counseling can ever send them away.
There’s a very deep part of him that knows he should want Jensen to get better,
but a much bigger part of him thinks—it’s different with us. Jensen will never
be the hollowed out shell that kids like Adam Hain is. Adam’s imaginary person
spews filth into his ear morning, noon and all night, makes him hurt himself,
makes him want to die. Jared takes care of Jensen. The day his eyes go black
will be the happiest day of his life, because he’ll know that nothing, not a
cupful of meds, nor a switchblade knife will ever take them apart.
++++++++
Just because Jensen imagines him to be smart doesn’t mean that he’s all-
knowing. He doesn’t have super powers or anything, because the real Jared was
just a regular sixteen year-old. True, in Jensen’s mind he was nearly perfect,
but he was, after all, human. So it takes him a while to find Jensen.
At this time of night, there’s only a few places he is allowed to be. His room,
of course. The bathroom, or the quiet reading room. He is in none of those
places. As he passes Tommy Gates’ room, Tommy’s mother leers at Jared, a nasty,
knowing smile on her lips.
He runs.
It’s against policy. The patients are not supposed to be left in the “calm
down” room overnight. But it happens. Sometimes, they get forgotten; the rooms
are soundproofed, and unless you walk down the hall on purpose standing on
tiptoe to see through the tiny reinforced windows, theoretically you might not
notice there was someone in there. More often than not, however, such
“accidents” were no such thing.
When Jared finally finds him, his heart sinks. What he sees under the harsh
florescent lighting is a real setback. Jensen sits huddled in the corner, arms
tied behind him in a restraining coat. Which is definitely against the rules.
Anyone in a restraining coat needs to be under observation. It’s the rule.
“Jensen?” he calls softly.
Jensen looks up, his eyes bloodshot and dry, a purple-black smear of a bruise
across his cheek bone. “I’m sorry, Jay. I couldn’t help it.” Jensen tries to
wipe his eyes against the shoulder of his straightjacket even though they’re
dry. “ Tommy Gates started talking trash about you. He said you weren’t real
and that I was crazy and they were going to send me up to ward D. “
“Hey, hey,” Jared croons softly. He pulls Jensen into his lap and pets his
sweat-spiked hair. “Don’t you go apologizing to me. And anyway, Tommy Gates has
an imaginary person, too, you know. His mother.”
Jensen pulls back a little to look into Jared’s eyes. “You’re shitting me!” he
says incredulously.
“Honest to Christ.” Jared says. Then lower, softer, “What did you tell him when
he said I wasn’t real?” He dips his fingers into the tops of Jensen’s pajama
bottoms. He wants Jensen to feel exactly how real he is.
It’s a common misconception that just because someone is imaginary that they
aren’t real. Jared exists, he can think and feel and act on his environment,
within certain limits. When he rolls his palm over Jensen’s stiffening cock,
Jensen moans and presses his canvas-wrapped back into Jared’s chest.
“I told him I was going to fucking wrap his corpse in a tarp and stuff him in a
drainage ditch.”
“Dude, thanks for standing up for me and all, but you can’t go off-plan like
that. You’ve got to keep it together, especially when it comes to talking about
me. They won’t let you out of here if they think I’m still with you.”
“I know.” Jensen tilts his face up for Jared to kiss, which he does. Jared
loves Jensen, he really does. Of course, Jensen imagines him that way, so it
has to be so, but Jared thinks he would love Jensen anyway. The real Jared did.
When Jensen pushes his tongue up inside Jared’s mouth, needy and desperate,
it’s life to Jared, literally and figuratively.
“Let me,” Jared says, pushing Jensen back onto the padded floor. Jensen’s eyes
are clearer now, and Jared can feel him smile as he softly brushes his lips
over the dark spot on Jensen’s cheek. “I’ll take care of you,” he whispers, and
he means it.
“Missed you so much, Jay. Two days. It’s not easy hiding meds when you’re
trussed up like this, let me tell you.” Jensen closes his eyes. “But I had to
have you back.”
Jared can’t exactly say that he misses Jensen when he’s gone, because he’s not
around to miss him. He’s nowhere. It’s not like when Jensen is sleeping; when
they medicate him out of Jensen’s mind, he literally stops existing. He doesn’t
really want Jensen to know he has that power, so instead he says, “I can’t live
without you, Jen,” which is totally true.
Jared can undo the strap that goes between Jensen’s legs, but he can’t work the
buckles that hold his arms down. He doesn’t question it aloud, but Jared often
wonders why Jensen imagines it that way. It’s okay, though. It’s the way it is.
Jensen slides his feet up and bridges his pelvis so Jared can work off his
cotton pants. The knotted up drawstring hangs up on Jensen’s erection, so Jared
slides his palm in to cover it, lets the fabric drag across the back of his
hand rather than chafing Jensen’s skin. He pulls the pants down over Jensen’s
feet.
The real Jared and Jensen had never been into bondage, but this isn’t like that
anyway. They don’t really think of it as Jensen being tied up, it’s just one
more stupid thing that they don’t let get in the way of what they want from
each other, like the locked doors or the watchful eyes around them. They’ve had
a little practice with “straighjacket sex” as Jensen likes to call it, and it’s
not really a big deal anymore.
“So beautiful, Jen,” Jared whispers reverently, stroking the soft skin inside
Jensen’s splayed thighs. It’s milky white from lack of sun. “Someday I’m going
to take you out and show the world how you shine.” He lets his thumb caress the
silky fine hair around the base of Jensen’s cock, the baby-soft skin
underneath.
Leaning forward, he kisses Jensen’s lips, soft, so soft, and teases his mouth
open. He is gentle, undemanding. He keeps his weight from crushing Jensen, the
pull and pinch of the coat are enough pressure to keep Jensen steady on his
own. There’s no need for crushing and taking. Even restrained like this, Jensen
gives freely.
“You want me to get undressed?” Jared asks.
“Does Nurse Jackie have B.O.?” Jensen grins back.
Jared shucks his jeans, but just as he starts to lift the hem of his t-shirt, a
bright spot of blood blooms just below the last rib on his left side. “Jensen…”
he chides. “Don’t think about it.” It vanishes just as suddenly as it appeared.
Jensen doesn’t say he’s sorry. They’ve found that it only makes it worse.
When he’s down to his bare skin, Jared lies back along Jensen’s side, nuzzles
his neck with his nose and whispers love at him. He rubs his cock lazily up
against the little bit of Jensen’s hip that peeks out under the coat, smearing
it shiny and slick so his cockhead glides over the soft white skin.
“I need you, Jay. Please.” Jensen maneuvers one leg around the each side of
Jared as he sits up. Spreads his legs and cants his hips, offering himself up.
Jensen needs the validation just as much as Jared does.
One nice thing about living in a hospital is that there’s never any shortage of
lubrication around. It’s almost like those motherfuckers want them to be
thinking about sex the way they leave those bottles out on all the medcarts.
Jared fishes a bottle from the pocket of his discarded jeans and flips the cap.
The stupid little squirting noise it makes when he squeezes the bottle makes
his cock jump like Pavlov’s fucking dog. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees
Jensen’s hole tighten; it has the same effect on him as well.
He uses his dry hand to stroke Jensen’s cock slowly while he circles Jensen’s
ass with the tip of one lubricated finger. Jensen rocks his hips up, but Jared
won’t push it in until he feels the muscles relax, teasing a little with tiny
bits of pressure, massaging until Jensen finally lets go, and then he slides
two fingers in, so easy. “Yeah, that’s it, Jenny,” he murmurs. “Open up for me.
I need to know you want it.”
“Want it so bad, Jay. Missed you so much. I was worried that—“ Jensen breaks
off, his eyes wide. Drops of bright red blood are beading up along a slit
between Jared’s ribs. “I’m sorry!” Jensen cries, his voice panicky and frantic.
“I can’t help it!”
A long thin cut opens left to right across Jared’s abdomen. Jared takes his
hand off Jensen’s cock and presses it to the cut, blood seeping through his
fingers. “You can fix this Jen,” he says. “I know you can.” He crooks the
fingers he still has inside of Jensen. “You feel that?” he asks, shoving in
hard, up to his knuckles. “You feel that? That’s real. I am not dead. I’m here,
and warm, and you can touch me and I’m never going to leave you again. You got
that?”
Jensen bites his lip and brings a trembling hand up to Jared’s face. “But Jay—“
“No!” Jared growls at him. “Don’t think about it. Think about this instead.”
Even though he’s scared to do it, he takes his hand off the cut, ignoring the
hot rush of blood that patters to the mat beneath them. He takes his aching
hard cock in his hand and lines it up, pulls Jensen onto him, leaving bloody
handprints on his thighs.
Jensen is hot and tight and it’s the realest thing Jared has ever felt. He
rocks up all the way in, causing Jensen to hiss tightly through his teeth. For
a moment he can’t speak, but he has to, has to keep Jensen with him until
everything is fixed. “Jensen,” he manages at last, pulling back slowly, letting
Jensen feel every inch slide over his clutching muscles. “This is what
matters.” He pushes back in slow but hard, so that when his balls lie snug
right up against Jensen’s ass, Jensen hitches up a few inches across the mat.
“This, right here.” He pushes harder, nowhere left for his cock to go. His hand
strips over the skin on Jensen’s cock, feeling it straining for release.
Slowly, the blood vanishes, the cuts knit themselves together. Jared eases
back, not so desperate now. “That’s right,” he says. “I’m going to be here for
you. Always.”
Jensen makes a sound that’s like a plea for which there are no words, and pumps
his cock up into Jared’s hand. The head smears Jared’s palm with pearly fluid,
a little at first, and then a sudden hot flood of sweet and bitter scented
mess. Jared feels Jensen clamp down around him, and for a moment neither of
them can move, Jared holding Jensen through the aftershocks as his muscles lock
down.
“Jay,” Jensen gasps at last. “You do it, too.”
Jared doesn’t need asking twice. He grips Jensen’s hips as tightly as he can
with his come-slick hands and sinks into him, once, twice, three times, each
stroke ratcheting up the electric buzz in his belly until it becomes too much.
He pistons into Jensen, the word real, real, real repeating in his head like a
blinking red light.
“Okay,” says Jensen when Jared rolls off him and pulls him into his arms, still
strong. Always strong for Jensen. Always sure. “That’s okay then.”
++++++++
Jared checks his eyes in the mirror the next day while Jensen’s sleeping. Not
black yet, but darker. Definitely darker. He smiles to himself. He’s not going
anywhere anytime soon.
++++++++
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