Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/411511.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      Multi
  Fandom:
      Homestuck
  Relationship:
      Sollux_Captor/Karkat_Vantas, uranianUmbra/UndyingUmbrage, John_Egbert/
      Dave_Strider, Jake_English/Dirk_Strider, Sweet_Bro/Hella_Jeff
  Character:
      Sollux_Captor, Karkat_Vantas, uranianUmbra, undyingUmbrage, John_Egbert,
      Dave_Strider, Meenah, Aranea_Serket, Terezi_Pyrope, Aradia_Megido, Equius
      Zahhak, Dirk_Strider, Jake_English, Sweet_Bro, Hella_Jeff
  Stats:
      Published: 2012-05-24 Updated: 2014-05-11 Chapters: 8/? Words: 3572
****** 24 attempts at kinky homestuck ships ******
by uranianUmbra
Summary
     Multiple shippings, a smattering of witty remarks and smut.
Notes
     Ship- Sollux/Karkat
***** 2eeiing *****
“Karkat.”
A voice whispered from behind you, and you flinched at the ridiculous lisp. It
wa s actually so awful, but you couldn’t stop it from also being such a turn-
on.
“Karkat I can’t see anything.”
You took a step away from Sollux and turned around, not bothering with a scowl
because you knew he’d never see it.
“Yes, that’s actually what being blind means, fuckass.”
“I know that Karkat, but I can’t see you.”
Why were you so hard right now? You shouldn’t be so hard, you’re embarrassing
yourself. Even if Sollux couldn’t see it, maybe him being blind gave him
superpowers or something and he could actually... hear your boner.
But you were being stupid.
“Karkat?”
“I’m right here you idiot, pretty sure you would have heard me if I’d left.”
“Well good then.” And he reached out a cold, slender hand, pressing your
shoulder back against the wall, his empty white eyes flicking over you in the
most unnerving way. He leaned closer to you, his mouth barely missing yours,
and then he changed direction so your lips pressed together unevenly. His
crooked teeth bit down onto your lip, drawing blood, and you took comfort in
him not knowing what color it was. But only for a minute, before Sollux reached
his other hand down, undoing your pants and gently rubbing your erection. You
let out a moan as Sollux spread the precum up and down your cock, stroking your
thighs and biting even harder on your lip. It hurt, but in the most delicious
way possible.
Your tongue explored the inside of Sollux’s mouth as his hand explored your
dick, which sounded really weird when you thought of it that way but felt
really good at the time. His hands were so cold, stroking and rubbing and
pulling harder and faster, and you just kept moaning. You didn’t think you
could form an actual sentence at the moment.
And then Sollux just stopped, and he crouched down, feeling around for your
erection and pulling it closer, to him, stretching out his tongue streaked with
your blood. You just couldn’t take it; your entire body shivered for a moment
and you gasped, cumming over Sollux’s face and shirt.
He pulled away, wiping the cum off his face and licking a little off his hand,
but scowling.
“You’re no fun, Karkat.”
“Fuck you.” And you meant it, but you were saying it through a smile.
***** Sibling rivalries *****
Chapter Notes
     ship- uu/UU
You and your brother had a relationship almost entirely over the internet, and
you were one hundred percent okay with that. You hated him. Hated him so much
with a kind of passion that was more than a sibling rivalry. And of course,
using the word ‘sibling’ loosely. You didn’t think you were actually direct
brother and sister, even if you told the humans that. You figured their minds
would find a brother sister relationship easier to grasp than what was actually
going on. Sometimes you yourself didn’t even know what was going on.
Like now. You were pretty sure he was close by, he kept messaging you about
coming to murder you but you didn’t take that seriously. There was no way he
would kill you, you were almost too... valuable.
And with that thought the door to the lab creaked open, and your brother
stepped in. You jumped to your feet, watching a startled expression ripple
across his face, if just for a moment. Then he stormed over to you, grabbed you
by the hair and just looked at you, breathing heavily and scowling. You tried
not to shake, but he seemed to be scared himself, like he’d never actually done
anything this bold before. And you thought it was probably true, he’d never
tried to kill anyone as far as you knew.
Except he didn’t seem to be here to kill you, and he pulled your face closer to
his, pressing his lips unevenly against yours as you let out a little squeak
and tried to squirm away. But he just held you tight, pulling you into him, and
you relaxed, your tongue gently exploring his mouth as you realized that you
hated him with a burning passion that was almost... flushed.
His hand slipped into your pants, and you found yourself not caring, even
enjoying it a little and his fingers found your crotch and probed around,
pressing firmly against your clit. You pulled away from his mouth to let out a
little moan, but his other hand slid around to your neck and pulled you back
in. You just stayed like that for a while, his hand exploring in your pants and
you squirming, getting a lot wetter than you knew you could become. And then he
pulled away from you, withdrawing his hand, and you whimpered. You thought it
was mean that he was stopping now. But his hand was so wet, and he traced a
little smile on your cheek, which made you close you eyes and let out a
shuddering breath.
When you opened them again he was gone, the door swinging shut behind him, your
pants uncomfortably wet and a feeling in the air that he was going to come
back.
***** Right hook *****
Chapter Notes
     Ship- john/dave
You’re not exactly sure how you got here, and the chain of events leading up to
it is a little blurry, but you’re on your bed, just a typical night, except
Dave is there too. And you’re not exactly wearing a decent amount of clothing.
So it’s not really a typical night.
Dave’s skin is so pale in the dark, but he still has his shades on, and he’s
kind of just lying on top of you, like he’d had it all planned out but now that
you were in bed he didn’t know what to do. And you didn’t know what to do
either. It was kind of awful, like your own virginity was punching you in the
face. But after a few seconds Dave sat up and grabbed your ankles, pulling you
closer to him. He hesitated for a moment, and you gasped as his cold fingers
circled around your opening.
You tried to relax as Dave’s fingers pushed inside of you, gently probing
around until they hit a spot that made you cry out in pleasure. He stopped and
withdrew his hand, letting out a little laugh as he pulled your legs up to his
shoulders and lined up with you. You could feel his erection pushing at you,
and you gasped.
“Lube!” You shouted, louder than you mean to.
Dave stopped what he was doing. “What?”
“You are not putting that thing inside of me without some kind of lube,
Strider.” You tried to sound as cool as you could, but you really meant it and
kind of hoped he had some lube on hand.
And, in fact, he did, as he reached into his pocket and pulled out something
slim and white, which he squeezed a generous amount of onto his hand. He rubbed
it up and down his cock, swearing under his breath.
“Holy shit that’s cold.”
And then he was kissing you again, lining up and pushing into you, slowly,
almost too slowly. Dave quickened suddenly, pushing his full length in, and you
almost cried out, but you didn’t want him to stop. You stayed like that for
just a moment before Dave finally asked, “Are you okay for me to...?” He
trailed off, and you didn’t think you could form words right now so you just
nodded. Dave began thrusting with an uneven rhythm, brushing against that sweet
spot but never quite hitting it, and Dave tried to say something that just came
out as a moan. The thrusting became even jerkier, and you reached down and
grabbed yourself, pumping your shaft furiously because you knew you weren’t
going to come just with Dave’s jerky thrusting.
You felt hot liquid shoot through you, and as Dave’s softened cock pulled out
you gave yourself one last rub, and finally came all over your chest.
“Damn it, Egbert.” Dave hissed, and then it was just silence and Dave.
And you noticed your virginity had stopped punching you.
***** Relics and such *****
Chapter Notes
     Ship- Equius/Aradia
Aradia said she had something to show you. Just a little relic she’d found out
on one of her hunts and you thought what the heck that was cool. Something
you’d like, she said, something you’ll enjoy, she said. She said a lot of
things about it, and it almost seemed like she was trying too hard. Like she
almost wanted you to see it more than you would want to see it.
 
But you went anyways because that was the right thing to do.
 
Well you showed up, and she greeted you with a smile, a wave of her hand and a
short “Come on, Equius, we don’t have all day, follow me.” And then she took
off. You followed her, sure, and you guess you could be blamed for that but you
aren’t much for dealing out blame.
 
You just followed her.
 
And of course, you eventually got there. But the whole part about getting there
is sort of boring, so let’s skip that, shall we?
 
After a long time of sifting through multiple artifacts, a large amount of hats
and a fair share of rocks, she pulled it out. It was a leather saddle, so worn
down that you had no idea how long it could have been around for. A very, very
long time, you were guessing. She smiled at you, a sweet smile with just the
smallest hint of something malicious, and you looked at the saddle again,
taking it in.
 
“You’re going to... ride me?” You asked it so quietly you almost couldn’t hear
yourself. But she seemed to understand just fine.
 
“No, no I’m not going to ride you. You’re going to ride it.”  She tossed it at
you, and you caught it easily, setting it on the ground as some of the hardened
leather flaked off in your hands. It really was an old and beautiful saddle.
 
“Ride, of course, being used loosely.”
 
And then she had her soft hands on your shoulders, pressing you down until you
were sitting on the saddle and she smiled softly as your cock hardened against
the leather.
 
“Now.” She whispered.
 
“Grind.”
***** Death isn't bad *****
Chapter Notes
     Ship- Meenah/Aranea
It really had been a long time since you’d seen Meenah, and you were glad to
see she hadn’t changed a bit. Still the same tall, slim figure, the same smile,
the same chunky jewelry and that eyebrow piercing that just drove you insane.
You remembered when the two of you used to sit together, when you were both
alive of course, and you would just braid her hair for hours. She still wore
her hair like that. She was exactly like you’d remembered, almost as if no time
had passed since your death. You wondered who braided her hair now, but it made
you jealous, so you stopped thinking about it and just smiled.
 
“Hello, Meenah.”
 
“Sup, Aranea.” She grinned, her sharp teeth glinting in whatever amount of
light managed to reach you, and she slunk over, draping her arm around your
shoulder, her braids twisting around your feet and her cold trident resting
against the beck of your leg. You coughed awkwardly, but she didn’t leave.
 
“Meenah?”
 
“Okay Aranea, you know how I’m not one for lots of talking and shit?”
 
“Well, I guess.” You tried to shift away, but that little eyebrow piercing
glinted and you just loved it. You wished you had one; you’d probably be so
much more badass.
 
“Well then can we take our clothes or somefin?”
 
You squirmed away but Meenah had her hands on you, pawing at your dress,
slipping of your shoes and stockings, mumbling encouraging words as you felt
the cold air hit your skin. You hadn’t felt air like that in so long and you
shuddered. Meenah slid closer to you, pulling you into her and breathing your
hair in. You glasses pressed against the bridge of your nose, making you resist
the urge to complain. Her cold skin against yours felt so nice, and she grabbed
the back of your head and pulled you into her, her tongue exploring your mouth
boldly. You tasted her too, running your tongue around those sharp teeth, the
inside of her cheeks and over her own tongue. Her plastic goggles were probably
leaving indents in your face.
 
She slithered her hands down your body, tweaking your nipples and stroking your
hips before pulling away from your mouth and crouching down. She grinned up at
you for a moment.
 
“You nipples are reel hard for such small breasts.” And then she giggled,
grabbing your hips and pulling herself closer. Her tongue worked its way around
you crotch, sliding over your clit and burying itself deeper inside until it
hit a spot that made you let out a squeak. She pulled out as something wet and
unidentifiable dribbled down your thighs, which she just licked, still
grinning. You let out a soft whimper as she went to work again, and you touched
whatever parts of her you could reach, mostly just the top of her head. She hit
that spot again, and you let out a moan. Meenah pulled away.
 
“Aranea you’re the only one I know who can keep their composure like that while
having their pussy devoured.” And then she stood back up and kissed you again,
and as your hands slid over her breasts all you could think of was how glad you
were that she was dead.
***** Scent *****
Chapter Notes
     Ship- Terezi/Karkat
     Okay sorry my computer and laptop aren't working, not sure what's
     wrong but it has a lot of virus alerts and I don't approve. So I'm on
     my iPod pardon any typos.
Your name is Terezi Pyrope and you love smelling. It almost makes up for not
seeing. Almost. But smelling still let's you know what's around you and you
could smell Karkat long before he put a hand on your shoulder. He smelt like
cheap department store candy and something bitter and angry. You'd never
mistake that smell for anything else. 
"Terezi." 
"Yeah?" You sniffed the air lightly and leaned towards him, breathing in the
sweat and blood and lust. He slid a hand under your shirt, working its way to
your bra and undoing it. You let out a breathy giggle. 
"This meteor is boring as fuck let's make ourselves some fun shall we?"
"I think we can manage that." You whispered back, slipping his shirt over his
head as he proceeded to remove your clothing. You felt his skin against yours,
his beating heart against yours, his erection against your thigh. It felt so
good, you thought as he took soft hands and pushed you to the ground, back
resting against a wall. He felt your body, hands sliding over curves and
fingers working around until he found spots that made you squirm. He found a
lot of them, but he kept going back to your clit and your nipples. You had very
sensitive nipples and when his tongue gently ran over their curves and bumps
you squeaked with pleasure. 
And then he stopped for a moment, you supposed he was shifting positions, and
then something pushed lightly at your crotch, rubbing up and down, exploring.
It felt so nice as his cock ran over your skin, until he stopped  rubbing and
pressed inside of you. You shrieked, because it hurt so much, but he just
grabbed your shoulders and pushed further in. You moaned as his full length
thrust in, you were being torn apart, no lube to save you. He began to pull in
and out, his erection chafing the inside of you in such a delicious way. He
moaned and mumbled as the thrusting became easier and his cock wetter from your
own ejaculation, whatever it was called for girls you didn't care because it
was working. He went faster when you told him to, harder when you told him to,
he kissed you when you asked and tweaked your nipples when you whimpered for
it. His hips banged against yours, probably bruising your hip bone but it
didn't really matter. Your breasts bounced up and down, stopping only when
Karkat grabbed them to squeeze for a moment, making you even wetter. He
murmured encouragement as your fingers traced his own chest, funding all the
lines  and muscles as Karkat's thrusting became even faster, hitting you so
hard all you could do was moan and clutch his shoulders. And then he stopped,
letting out a groan and completing a few last jerky thrusts before coming
inside of you. It felt warm and wet and amazing. 
He pulled out, and you felt uncomfortably empty without his cock inside you so
you pushed your own fingers inside while he regained his composure. 
"Well." Karkat said, handing you your clothing and running his hand through
your hair one more time. 
"We should really do that more often."
***** Tell me why *****
Chapter Notes
     Ship- Dirk/Jake
See the end of the chapter for more notes
You sat across from Dirk, the sun warming the back of your neck, the ground
soft and the trees rustling. The island had a lot of trees, but it didn’t seem
to matter. You didn’t know why, but you were so self conscious whenever Dirk
was around, you found yourself wishing the trees would get lost so there could
be more sun. Like the fact the trees were there made you look bad.
Dirk stretched a hand out and gently touched your face. “Jake, I love you so
much.” He always said that. The emotionless Dirk Strider just threw the word
love around in your presence like it didn’t mean anything. If hate was a strong
word shouldn’t love be treated with the same caution?
“You always say that, Dirk, but tell me why.”
He seemed taken aback by this. “Why I love you? Well.” Dirk stopped for a
moment. “Well I love when you press against me when we walk or sit together.”
You shuffled closer to Dirk, pressing your shoulder against his and laying your
head against his neck. You breathed in deeply for a moment, smelling the city
on him. “Like that?” You asked.
“Yes, Jake, exactly like that.” He put an arm around your shoulder.
“Okay, Dirk, what else?”
“Well... I love when you look at me like I’m one of your blue chicks.” You
pulled your head away from his shoulder, raised your eyebrows and winked.
“Like that?”
“Yep, exactly like that.”
“Give me one more good reason, Dirk.” You said, settling your head into his
shoulder again. You were having fun with this.
“Well I love when you love me in that special English way.” He let out a soft
laugh as you straightened up, scanning his face to see if he was serious. It
seemed he was and he almost had an air about him like he was waiting for you to
get on with it. Or if you were even brave enough to get on with it.
Well if Jake English was one thing, it was brave.
Your hand was at his zipper in a second, and he let out a small gasp as the
cool air hit his erection. You let out a low whistle, partly at his throbbing
cock and partly to buy you time. What exactly was the ‘special English way’? It
needed to be mind blowing, that much was for sure. You took it in your hand,
stroking it softly. As it hardened further the foreskin slid back and exposed
the head. You let out a cross between a laugh and a breathy giggle as Dirk
shifted a little.
“English...”
You put both hands at the base of his cock and breathed in deeply, kind of
surprised of how much it smelled exactly like the rest of Dirk. You didn’t
really know what you expected. You’re not sure if you can fit the entire thing
into your mouth but that doesn’t really matter, you’ll find some way to work
with it. You bring your mouth to the very tip, kissing it gently, and then
bringing yourself down to the base, dragging your tongue up the entire length
of the bulge. The taste is incredibly and simply Dirk. You don’t know how else
to describe it. Your tongue explores his length, all around his erection,
coating him in saliva and kisses. He moans, and as the precum dribbles from the
tip you lick that up too. It didn’t have a taste, but something slightly sour
about it.
Your lips envelope his cock, bobbing up and down, more spurts of precum going
down your throat. You go faster, getting your tongue where you can, pulling out
and kissing him when you needed a moment, Dirk continuously letting out low
moans. You’d been doing this for a while, but you wanted to draw him to his
climax, so you tried to get his full length in your mouth, pulling faster,
kissing harder, and your efforts are rewarded as Dirk let out a low “Fuck” and
the orgasm courses through him. His cum, hot and wet and amazing, shot down
your throat, you trying to keep up with the outflow. He almost emptied entirely
into your mouth, but you had to pull away, and the last of the cum squirted
onto your chest and neck. You swallowed the rest and sat there for a moment,
breathing heavily.
“Like that?” You finally asked.
“Yeah Jake.” Dirk let out a sigh. “Exactly like that.”
Chapter End Notes
     Shit, sorry that was long. I keep writing these things longer. This
     was supposed to be short. fuuuuuuuuuck
***** wat *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
"i loev u" said Sweet Bro to Hella Jeff.
"i watn ur disco stick" Hella Jeff replied.
The didi the do.
Chapter End Notes
     i'm so fucking done why did i start this
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