The BE Laws of Physics

by Eliot Cayne

The law of conservation of mass does not apply — Mass is generated as is convenient. There is enough mass in a tiny pill to generate breasts the size of New York.
Law of textile elasticity — Nearly all clothing / fabrics stretch immensely. You can easily fit two pumpkins into a petit business blouse. Corollary: Clothing that does not stretch is incredibly brittle clasps and seams break at the slightest provocation.
The laws of quantum reality favor BE — Of all possible outcomes to a situation most will result in BE: Unknown containers, curious knick-knacks, and strange devices will all cause BE. Odd stores appearing, dispensing such items, and disappearing are an example of quantum realities overlapping in order to facilitate BE.
Law of expansionary flexibility — Anything that causes BE will invariably enlarge male genitalia. A man given a lactation formula will grow a yard-long penis and testicles the size of cantaloupes.
Law of growth transmissibility — BE is highly contagious, usually transmitted by bodily fluids - particularly milk.
Law of male potency — Sperm, any sperm, will cause BE.
All ancient cultures worshipped breasts and knew how to induce BE.
85% of all magic practitioners specialize in BE.
Law of wish distribution — Two out of three wishes granted to any person will involve breasts.
Law of realization inevitability — Any wish made by anyone anywhere will invariably be granted.
Law of ironic realization — All wishes granted are granted in the most ironic way possible.
First law of feminine grouping — Any group of women will contain at least one witch.
First law of error benevolence — Any mistake made during a scientific or mystical procedure will cause BE.
Second law of error benevolence — Any mistake made during a procedure to cause BE will result in more BE not less.
Law of mammary form — The most natural shape for any breast regardless of size or mass is the sphere.
Law of mammary invincibility — Breasts are indestructible. Pressures exerted by denim, metal wires, armor plating, and even brick walls are incapable of damaging an expanding breast. Exposure to the vacuum of space will not harm breasts that have grown past earth's atmosphere.
Law of tactile delectation — Sensations, any sensations are pleasurable when emanating from the breasts. Women purposely avoid watching the ground ahead of them so that they can trip and fall on their breasts thus bringing themselves to orgasm.
Law of inevitable functionality — If someone believes that a potential source of BE is bogus it will work. If someone believes that a potential source of BE is authentic it will work while they aren't looking.
Law of stored BE — It is a delicate equilibrium that prevents all breasts from expanding constantly. Every pair of breasts strains against an infinite amount of potential BE. Once breasts start expanding it is difficult if not impossible to get them to stop.
Law of inverse ratio of growth to morality — Evil has a strong relationship to BE. Malice and animosity will exponentially increase the amount of BE produced by any BE factor. It is summed up as such The BE theory of relativity: E= BC2 where expansion is equal to the woman's starting breast size multiplied by her number of character flaws squared. Particularly evil women often end up immobilized by their breasts. Particularly evil men are often turned into particularly evil women etc.
Law of conditional arousal — Sexual arousal is a common cause of BE; however this arousal, and subsequent BE can only occur in the presence of a man with a large penis.
Law of increasing returns — each time a BE factor is employed it will produce greater results. A woman's breasts will grow a cup size, then two, then they will fill an air hangar.
Law of spatial multiplicity — Two or more objects may occupy the same space at the same time. Any number of women each with 'room filling' breasts may exist in the same room at the same time. There will also be room for their lovers.
Second law of feminine grouping — Any group of women will contain at least one lesbian.
Law of universal feminine exhilaration — All women enjoy BE. A prisoner breaking out of bondage by having her breasts press down steel bars will have approximately 478 orgasms. This is an extension of the laws that breasts are indestructible, and that any sensations emanating from the breasts are pleasurable.
There are no less than three ways to spell 'come'.
First Law of flow duality — The ductwork of the nipples works both ways. Bike pumps, hose nozzles, reversed breast pumps, the manual blowing of air, and even shop vacuums are all fine BE factors.
Second Law of flow duality — Breast pumps have reverse switches.
Fact: The average woman cups her breasts no less than 632 times a day.
Fact: Each day hundreds of acres of the rain forest are cut down. This is a shame because 95% of all unknown plant species cause BE.
83% of all nerds know how to cause BE.
68% of all men currently in existence are nerds — 22% are nameless or have no defining characteristics. 10% of the male population is comprised of supernatural beings.
Law of relocation requirement — Any girl made to transfer to a new school in the middle of the year must first pass an advanced level course in witchcraft, and it's uses as an implement of revenge. She must also pass courses in alienation, and conspicuous non-conformity. No girl may come to a new school and simply vanish into the crowd.
First law of feminine leadership — Any large breasted girl in a school must take advanced-level courses in ring-leading, antisocial behavior, and the public humiliation of non-conformers. A girl found to have any level of conflict resolution skills or tolerance of others will be forced to transfer to a new school in the middle of the year.
Law of scientific anti-dexterity — Research scientists are the clumsiest and most forgetful people on earth.
Law of lacto-similarity — Most BE formulas are utterly indistinguishable from milk. Research scientists store them in gallon or quart jugs and bring them home for storage.
Law of gastronomic indifference — If food or drink tastes funny a woman will consume it regardless.
Law of romantic relativity — Uncontrollable arousal is the most intimate emotional level that can possibly exist between two people.
The bra size DD — DD represents the lower limit of size at which breast growth may stop, it is also the upper limit if the woman's mind is being controlled.
Basketball was invented for women, so done due to the fact that most breasts will at some point be the same size as the game ball.
Third law of feminine grouping — Any group of women will contain at least one slut.
Law of myopic desire — All women want unwieldy breasts. Regardless of profession, religion, present size, or attitudes a woman will invariably desire breasts of unwieldy proportions. A Human cannonball would want breasts the size of beanbag chairs, especially as they would cushion her landing. Women have no real desire to be able to lie on their stomachs, rise under their own power, leave a room through the door, or for that matter to move at all. Growing breasts the size of sperm whales is the best thing that can possibly happen to a woman.
Double D breasts are the size of cantaloupes.
Law of expansion expectation — All women spend their life waiting for BE to occur; therefore when it does they are neither shocked nor frightened, but rather can immediately seize upon the opportunity to have the greatest sexual experience of their lives.
Fourth law of feminine grouping — No two women in a group may have the same hair color - unless that color is blonde.
Most women are blonde.
Law of histamine reaction — The most common symptoms of an allergic reaction to a substance are redness, irritation, difficulty breathing, and breast growth.
Law of BE Reversal — While it is possible under certain rare circumstances to reverse BE, it is not possible to do so before the breasts have grown to at least double D in size, nor is it possible to shrink them past this point. This is known as the double D barrier.
Law of conundrum fallibility — Any riddle or puzzle designed to protect a BE factor will be solved easily or accidentally.
Law of masculine solicitation — Only men are capable of exercising prudence and judgement when making wishes. A woman will invariably - however much accidentally - wish for breasts the size of hot air balloons. A man will on occasion wish with some level of insight. The first wish anyone makes is always breast related, or utterly frivolous.
Law of Feminism — Feminists have incredibly unstable psyches, and will instantly turn into bimbos at the slightest hint of BE.
Law of transformation probability — as a woman undergoes BE the chances that she or others in her immediate area will undergo other random transformations increases exponentially.
Law of spatial accommodation — BE creates spatial warps in a woman's mouth and torso so that she may accept any penis regardless of how much collateral expansion it undergoes. A woman experiencing BE can easily accept a penis the size of a nuclear submarine.
Breast Handling — Less than 50% of men are willing to handle breasts once they've grown. Post BE sex almost never involves foreplay.
Copious unexplained lactation — is the most common side effect of going on, or coming off of the pill. Indeed it is one of the most common medical problems afflicting women today.
The path between the vagina and uterus is unimpeded.
Breasts may explode — but they are none the less indestructible as this will only result in their reverting to DD in size.
Breast milk is generated at a rate of no less than one gallon per hour.
The numbers and letters in bra sizes — are not discrete quantities referring to torso and breast size respectively, but rather both refer directly to breast size. As one increases, so does the other. After 36D, the next size is 44DD, and so on until 275ZZZ. Bras are made for a single torso size that universally fits all women.
Law of infinite structural integrity — People can withstand any amount of compression without harm. Breasts heavy enough to crush an oak bed, or break through a floor will do no damage to the man and woman beneath them.
Law of infinite masculine strength — Breasts that will crush an oak bed will be easily pushed aside by any man wishing to reach the woman beneath them.
Law of universal aesthetic assurance — 90% of the female population has no breasts to speak of; other than this however they are perfect models of feminine beauty.
Science interests — seldom clean up chemical spills or abandoned research facilities. 83% of chemicals left in such places will cause BE.
Law of nipple proportionality — the average breast is adorned with nipples the size of a woman's thumbs. Nipples the size of soup cans are not out of place on cantaloupe-sized double D breasts.
Law of unlimited fluid synthesis — The average woman is capable of producing no less than 10 gallons of breast milk, and 2 gallons of vaginal lubrication without stopping to drink. Incidentally, the average man produces at least one quart of sperm with each orgasm.
Law of technical fallibility — Any device that could potentially cause BE will inevitably malfunction and do so.
Law of feminine magnetism — the female body generates incredible magnetic force. Ray guns allowed even brief periods of free movement will immediately swing to aim towards the nearest female. Objects as light as syringes will almost hurtle through the air to meet any woman in their immediate vicinity.
Law of medical over-investment — Most plastic surgeons secretly install size control devices in the breast implants of their patients and keep close tabs on them. It is also common for a surgeon to throw in a free breast enhancement with other surgery or vise-versa.
Law of triviality of sentience — most women would gladly trade their intelligence for larger breasts.
Second law of feminine leadership — The leader of any group of women will experience the most, and purest BE, short of immobilization.
Law hydro-attraction — The pores of a woman's body absorb water like sponges, and all of their plumbing terminates in the breasts. BE is not an uncommon result of a woman coming into contact with moisture.
Law of destructible artifice — Any object or device being held in reserve as a countermeasure against BE will inevitably be lost or broken.
Law of anti-mnemonic enchantment — Any spell being held in reserve as a countermeasure against BE will inevitably be forgotten or bungled.
Law of centralized loss of garment integrity — The front center of any piece of clothing is the weakest point on the garment. This applies to t-shirts and pull over sweaters as much as it does to button down shirts and clothing with zippers.
Law of catalyst graspability — All hand held objects capable of causing BE exude fields which prevent any but the most tenuous of grasps by people who hold them. As such they are snatched away quite easily.
First Law of stealth expansion — It is remarkably easy for a woman to miss the fact that her breasts are expanding. Most women who incur unexpected BE will not notice that anything has happened until they disrobe or their breasts reach double-D in size, whichever comes first.
Law of expansionary cataplexy — If a woman is asleep when her breasts start to expand: nothing can wake her until they have finished expanding. She will sleep soundly through upwards of five orgasms, and / or the shock of a bed collapsing.
Breast size — is the universal standard by which a woman's beauty and desirability may be measured, hence the woman with the largest breasts is automatically the most attractive. Men will always choose a woman with large breasts over a woman who possesses smaller breasts, regardless of other qualities she might have i.e. personality, common interests or history, lack of a temperament based on all-consuming evil, etc...
Law of coital suspension — No woman who will undergo BE may have sex until she has done so. Corollary: She may have sex if and only if it is necessary to facilitate the BE, or if she is already at least double-D in size. This is an example of quantum reality favoring BE, and an application of the double-D barrier.
The Mammary-inferiority complex — Any woman who is mistreated for having smaller breasts than another will agree that she needs larger breasts and immediately seek BE.
Law of dermal elasticity — Human flesh may stretch to any size without harm. Blue veins or enhanced sheen are common side effects of skin stretching to no less than 100 times its original size, and while they may be alarming, they are not signs of any actual danger.
Law of technological omnipotence — The barriers preventing people from altering reality with small electronic devices such as TV remotes, home computers, and jury-rigged ray guns are minute at most, and quite easily surmountable.
The Fulguration Effect — The most common results of a lightning strike are: the direct altering of reality, magical powers, or technological omnipotence.
Law of gelatin-similarity — Breast tissue by nature has exactly the same texture as Jell-O.
First Law of BE gravitation — The force of gravity exerted on any breast reduces by � for each time the breast doubles in size.
Second Law of BE gravitation — Any fastener that breaks as a result of BE will inevitably be rendered airborne.
Third Law of BE gravitation — If a woman's breasts fill with a lighter-than-air gas, gravity will be reduced by � to facilitate her being rendered airborne sooner than would otherwise be feasible.
Law of Dermal differentiation — Many substances will effect the size of breasts or genitals when applied directly to the skin. These substances are highly discriminatory in nature as evidenced by the fact that neither surrounding tissue nor hands used in application will ever be affected.
Law of Vengeance — BE, while inevitably pleasurable, is also the world's most popular method of revenge
Law of Capsule Anonymity — All pills look exactly alike and cannot be differentiated in any way. No one will ever notice one pill having been switched with another.
Women's erect nipples — are the hardest objects known to human science, the next hardest being men's erect penises with diamonds following up at a distant third.
Second Law of stealth expansion — If a woman's breasts grow, it may very well go unnoticed by people in her immediate area.
Third Law of stealth expansion — Large corporations often lace consumer products with BE catalysts. The population at large never notices.
First Law of BE enmity — If a woman is antagonistic towards a man, this will result in her breasts growing and her falling in love with / becoming uncontrollably aroused by him.
Second Law of BE enmity — If a woman is antagonistic towards another woman this will result in one of three outcomes.
1. The persecuted woman will grow breasts larger than those of her persecutor, and best her in romance or a direct contest of breast size
2. The antagonistic woman's breasts will shrink, their mass being transferred to the chest of the persecuted woman.
3. Both women's breasts will grow; the persecutor's at least to the point of immobilization.
Third Law of BE enmity — If a man is antagonistic towards a woman due to her breasts being either notably small or large: this will result in his being transformed into a woman with enormous breasts. If the woman is a lesbian , he will become her sex slave; if she is straight, he will become a nymphomaniac. In most cases the woman will be conveniently bisexual.
Law of feminine machismo — If a girl is a tomboy before puberty, she will invariably grow huge breasts as a result of it. If a woman is a tomboy after puberty, she will grow huge breasts and gain an accelerated libido as a result of something else.
Fifth Law of feminine grouping — any group of women will contain at least one tomboy.
Law of unisex grouping — Any group of both men and women will contain men and women of at least two of these three archetypal pairings: a jock / a tomboy; a geek / a witch; a generic man with no defining characteristics / a blonde.
Law of impetuous action — If a substance or object is capable of causing BE, the rashness of decisions of any woman in its immediate area will be increased by a factor of 10. Women will mockingly take huge doses of pills and / or wish for breasts the size of Volkswagen Beetles.