Standing up by the supermarket checkout like she's just made to stand there, with those big meaty tits. Just staring at you, I mean, man! she's got it coming to her, you know what I mean. I mean... shit! You see her, I mean you really see her every day o' your life. She just stands there, these big meaty tits, big meaty arse, kinda plump all over, but best on top. I mean... I could really... I could get arrested for what I'm thinkin', you know what I mean. And you know the worst thing. The worst thing is this, she's gettin' bigger, I mean bigger, not all over, just in the place it counts. You know what I mean. I mean she's putting on the pounds, she's a 66 DDD for sure, and I know tits. When I got down to my girlfriend, you remember Zoe? well she was a big ol' girl, eh? Well this girl, she's bigger, wa-a-ay bigger, I mean you could get lost in there. She's got 'em all right, got 'em big. Bigger than my head. Her nipples are bigger than your dick. I mean this mama, her name's Lizzie. Says so on her name badge. I checked it out, I checked it out real close, you know what I mean. I put my nose up so close to that bitch's chest I could've put my nostrils right it and breathe in the sweet perfume of that meat. Big & meaty bitch. She knows it and she loves it, she loves the attention. One of these days... I'll... Yeah, one of these days I'll do it.
Yeah, so Sokinuk comes round, and he tells me about this woman down at Tesco. He tells me that she's a real honey. He says that she's got tits the size of a big Christmas turkey, and I'm thinking "no way", cause round my mum's we always had a big turkey. And for a woman to have two of them as tits! No way. I wouldn't believe it. And this other thing he says, he says that this woman's got growing tits. "O Yeah." I says to him, "course she has. And my dick tastes of chocolate." But no, he says she has. Says that she's a sorta celeb, people know her, well all the guys does, I don't know about the girls. Sokinuk don't say how he knows, like he's got some sorta measuring device that he can measure her with that she don't know about. Or he can just see by looking at her. He can't even reverse park without smacking into something, so I don't believe for a minute that he can judge this woman's size. But I think to myself that it might be a laugh, and I've always been interested in big boobies. And I mean bi-i-ig boobies.
I don't know what I should say. They just came in. The two young men. About my son's age I suppose. One was wearing a denim jacket the other just a tee-shirt I think. I remember thinking at the time that it was strange that they were bringing a full plastic bag in. I thought maybe they were returning something, but they went straight past the Customer Service desk. I thought to myself that it was odd. I admit that it did cross my mind that they might be... well, odd, you know. At there's been all these reportings of those shootings in America, and... well you never know. I spoke to Andrew, he's the assistant manager, and I alerted him to the fact that they looked odd. Andrew told me I was just jumping to conclusions. He said he could tell just by looking at them that they were just some guys in for beer. I told him that they'd brought in the bag, but he shook his head and told me to go for an early break. It was then that all of these other young men came in. Just milling around. But I had a feeling they were with the first two.
Yes, I've heard people discuss this condition. But I'm not familiar with it myself. Why do you ask? Lizzie who? No I don't think I recall the name...
O you mean the girl with the gargantuan bosom.
I knew that she's attracted the attention from the lads who come in to the store, I don't think that she's a tourist attraction herself, but, well, she's got to expect this sort of thing. Sure she says it's a condition, but if she doesn't want all the attention why does she come to work? Some of the other girls say I only employed her because she had these really massive breasts, but it's not true. She was a school leaver who needed a chance. And to be honest I didn't realise that she was well stacked.
Of course once it was drawn to my attention that she had the problem, I couldn't help but look could I? It's a male thing, isn't it? You see a nice looking girl, and you look, what red blooded man wouldn't?
I suppose I really noticed when she kept asking for a new uniform. That's when I had to stop the allowance. It was company policy that an employee didn't have to purchase their work clothes, but Lizzie just took the p... took advantage.
And then when she was walking around with all this cleavage, this acre and a half of cleavage showing, I had to tell her. I told her in a nice way though, and I think she half expected it, you can tell with that sort of girl.
The two young men? Just a couple of wallys. They're just what I'd call her fans. If it, I mean Lizzie, brings them in then I can't complain. As long as they buy and get out and come back I don't mind at all.
I don't really know what happened, I wasn't anywhere near there.
No, I don't care what she says, I was in the store room.
I was standing by the bread and rolls, minding my own business really, I was trying to recall if my wife said four brown, two white, six granary rolls, and one bagette: or two brown, four white, six bagettes, and one roll: or six brown, one white, a roll of... of... or maybe they sell brown bagettes. Sometimes she asks me to get a malt loaf, but that's only when the grandchildren come around. They love it...
Yes, I'm sorry, I do ramble from time to time. Any way, I was standing there when this quite chunky girl came past at quite a rate. I stopped her and asked her advice, but she went scooting off, seemed to bounce a great deal as I recall, but I had the wrong spectacles on. But she was no help at all.
Yeah, like I said, I'd seen it in the Sunday Sport. There was this article about this girl, she had these expanding tits. Me and the lads down the pub all had a laugh about it. Nice problem to have, I said. She must be rolling in it. When one of us, Vage I think it were, actually read all of the article, he told us that this girl actually lived in our town. I thought it was too good to be true. Problem was that all the pictures was of her with her clothes on. I mean if they're gonna try and say that she was for real and they weren't cheating, they'd've shown her with her kit off wouldn't they. If she'd lived up North somewhere, not round here, then we might've done nothing about it. But if she's lives round here, then it's her own fault. Don't want the publicity you don't do stuff like that, do ya.
I felt bad directly I'd done it. But they were just some pictures of her. I thought she wouldn't mind. I wouldn't have minded but I didn't get much for them. Only four hundred pounds. But I'm sure she'll forgive me. I'll even split it with her. What I've got left anyway. They didn't ask me any questions, they didn't ask Lizzie any questions, I think they just made it all up.
I'd got 'em together for a real going over. We was going to go in there, and we was going to see if what it said in the paper was true. Cos they said that it was spunk that made 'em grow. You know sperm. So me and the lads started collecting it. We had a really good session and filled up milk bottles and the like. I had loads, just thinking about her gave me a stiffy, I reckon I gave out most of it.
I sent in the first two with the supply, Sokinuk was carrying the stuff. And then we was just sorta following on. Pretending to look at stuff, like.
Then we heard Sokinuk shout out: "That's her!"
I steamed in, it was like one of them military operations, like. "Go, go, go" I said. And we went, went, went.
I couldn't do anything, really, I couldn't. I just saw this girl. She had these really large breasts, I mean they were really big. They just shoved her to the ground and then one of them opened this bag. They tore open her top and started putting on this stuff. At first I thought it was milk that had gone off, it had that peculiar odour. It wasn't until afterwards that I was told what it was.
You men are just crazy you only think of me as some sort of object. You look at me and you only see some tits. Is that all I am? Can't I be anything other than that?
Kunikos returns in: "Postcards from the Edge of a Nervous Breakdown".