(A Sketch)
Politics -- The conduct of public affairs for private profit. Ambrose Bierce.
Matthew Merton MP, horse whisperer to the stars and stalwart of the various Private Boxes of the Premier Football teams, champagne swilling hedonist, world champion snorer in the House, sat before the bench. He listened but was more interested in his pager and portable teevee.
"In the matter of the honourable member for Winstanley SouthEast there were a number of things for us to consider. Most uppermost was, of course, the nature of his Peccadillo and whether it was against the rules of the house. That is why this committee has been formed in order to ensure that the proper order and procedure has been followed. It is well known that..." The chairman was interrupted.
"For Christ's sake," the Bolshie member for Scunthorpe Nor NorthEast looked skyward for some relief from the holy smile of the PM, "will you get on with it. I've got a meeting in the Vicar and Stripper to leak some information for the News of the World."
"I am as well aware of what you are interested in. But this is a very grave matter. Mr Merton you are charged with a very serious error of judgement, and it is the job of this committee to make a judgement. Do you understand?"
"Inasmuch as the nature of this committee is in relationship to the nature of a sitting MP and that his job, nay, his very being is at the beck and call of such a wide range of people that he will come into contact with, and such that you are here to pass judgement on me."
"We'll have none of that Prescottism here." Said the member for Scunthorpe. "Speak plainly, remember we're MPs not some journalist or whatever."
"Very well."
"Right, can you tell us in your own words what you were doing in the Busty Sex Slave Massage Parlour?" Asked the chairman.
"I was not there."
"But we have the photographic evidence. Pictures of you rubbing oils into the firm thighs and large breasts of a number of nubile young females. And this one..." the committee huddled as close as they could to view the photo. "Shows one of them applying oils to your body. How can you say that you weren't there?"
"Ah, when I say I wasn't there, I mean I wasn't there in the capacity of a customer. I was there on business as a member of parliament."
Some of the committee nodded but most stared at the photo.
"So you're trying to tell us, that you were there as an MP. Give over!"
"No, that business establishment is in my constituency and I was following the brief of all of us to actually go and visit those businesses that which may require help."
"So were they considering applying for a Lottery Grant? Or were they lobbying you?"
There were some sniggers from beside him.
"And why were you oiling them up and receiving a massage in return?"
"I was calling on one of my constituents, a young lady called Brenda Bouncy..."
"She's this one with the incredibly large breasts is she?" The chairman lifted up a photograph and showed it to Merton, there were flashes from the photographers and lascivious calls from the back.
"That's correct. Brenda wanted me to have a word with her GP, because you see she wanted to have a breast augmentation operation. You know to increase the size of her breasts."
"Why, they are large and lov..." the chairman coughed, "they are very large already. Why should she wish to make them larger?"
"She was under the impression that she could become an exotic dancer and wanted to be the woman with the largest breasts in Britain. Of course the doctor was against it. He said she was stupid and would regret it for the rest of her life. But she had made her mind up and was all in favour of it. She knew very well all of the points..."
There were some stifled chuckles.
"She knew very well that there were bad as well as good aspects. Bad back strain, silicon leaching out from the implants. But it was a risk she was willing to take. So of course I said that I was going to see her GP and see what I could do."
"That's all, was it? Nothing else happened."
"That's right. I went there listened to her, had a few promotional photos taken," he shrugged, "just to help local business. Just as the Prime Minister -- Lord Holy Vicar -- has indicated. We must support local business and aim for an expansion of jobs."
"Right. So what are these, then? These photographs appear to be of you and 'Brenda' in a state of undress apparently in the act of coition. That is the honourable member's member is it not? You are driving into her roughly from behind, and then with her astride you, are you not?"
Merton coughed. "Well, she was very grateful and she wanted to show her appreciation. And I wouldn't take money from her, so she suggested something else."
"Sex!"
"Legitimate intercourse of a sexual rather than social nature."
"You mean 'yes', then?"
Merton paused. And then continued his pause. Finally, he continued his pause. "Yes." He said, after a slight pause. "I suppose I do."
"And you didn't think that was wrong. Accepting a service in lieu of payment."
"It was not a payment." Merton ejaculated with vigour.
"It was a payment in kind. And that should be written in the book of member's interests."
"If anything it was I who gave her something. It wasn't like she offered me her virginity, and I didn't pay for anything."
There was a pause in the proceedings as the committee confabulated, huddled in a corner with the photographic evidence between them.
Sometime later, they returned to the semi-circular table, the chairman addressed Matthew Merton MP.
"We have decided that as you so selflessly donated your time and semen in the cause of the promotion of business, that we shall not publicly rebuke you or censure you in any way."
"Thank you." Said Merton.
"Just one last point though, the committee and I would like to know if you can arrange a group discount."