MARY MUCH MORE
by Joe Average
Who can turn the world on with her ... ?
Associate producer Mary Richards walked through the newsroom at WJM-TV. She spotted Gordy, the handsome weatherman. "Gordy!" she called. "I have that information you needed about the charity fund-raiser. They'd really like you to mention it in your weathercast!"
"Gosh, thanks, Mary!" said Gordy. Mary looked him up and down. He was good-looking, she thought. And if she got him into bed, she could find out if it's true what they say about black men ... !
"Say, Gordy," Mary began...
Gordy cut her off mid-sentence. "Thanks for the info, Mary! You're a regular Joe, you know that?" And he took off for the studio.
Mary slumped back to her desk. He didn't spell it, but she was pretty sure Gordy meant a regular "Joe" — not a Jo. Around here, Mary Richards knew she was just "one of the guys".
Producer Lou Grant stomped past her on the way to the studio. He looked furious. "Ted!" he bellowed.
"What's wrong, Mr Grant?" Mary wanted to know.
Lou stopped and turned around to talk to Mary. "You know how Ted took that cruise, and he tells everyone he went to San Martin?" Lou explained. "Just now, on the news, he said something about 'Minneapolis and San Paul'! Goddamn it, what a dumb fuck!" he growled. "Mary! I want you to tell that stupid asshole Ted to read the copy the way Murray writes it, for Christ's sake!"
"Mister Grant!" Mary tried to protest.
Lou smiled and patted her on the back. "That's one of the things I like best about you, Mary," he said. "I don't have to watch my language around you. You're just like..."
"One of the guys?" Mary said, with what she hoped was appropriate sarcasm.
It went right past Lou. "Yeah! That's what I was thinking!" he agreed brightly. "One of the guys." He slammed his office door closed.
Mary was upset. She tried to put some paper into her typewriter, and concentrate on something else, but she couldn't do it. It was obvious to Murray Slaughter — her best friend and desk partner — the minute he came into the room.
"What's wrong, Mare?" asked Murray.
"Oh, Murray!" she practically screamed in frustration. "You know what you always say about me?"
"Yeah, you're just like one of the guys, Mare," said Murray, taking a seat at his desk. "It's what we like best about you."
"But I'm not one of the guys!" wailed Mary. "I'm a girl!"
"Oh, we know that, Mary," Murray tried to explain. "We mean it nicely."
"But how can you not recognize me as a woman?" Mary pleaded. "What kind of stupid, ignorant, moronic person..."
At that moment news anchor Ted Baxter swung the doors to the newsroom open. "Hi, guys!" he said.
"There! That's a perfect example of what I mean!" said Mary.
"I'm a perfect what?" Ted asked. "What are we talking about?"
"Mary's just saying she doesn't exactly like being thought of as 'one of the guys'," explained Murray.
"What's the matter with that, Mary?" asked Ted. "Is this some kind of 'women's lib' thing?"
"No, Ted," scolded Mary. "I just don't like my femininity being ignored."
"But Mary," replied Ted, "you are one of the guys! We work together every day, we can joke around with you, we can say almost anything when you're around ... you're just sort of a girly kind of guy!"
"I hate to say it, Mare," said Murray, "but Ted's right."
"I just don't like it, that's all," protested Mary.
"Mary, you've got this thing all wrong," said Ted. "We know you're different! We know you're not really one of the guys! Let me show you what I mean. Look at you and Murray, for example! Murray is ... gentle ... nurturing ... almost motherly..."
Murray squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. Ted continued.
"He appreciates beauty and art ... there's a kind of ... softness about him..." Ted turned back to Mary. Then he looked again at Murray. "Hey. Wait a minute."
"What is it, Ted?" Mary asked.
"I was trying to show how you're a girl and Murray's a guy, and I ... I ... well, hell, Mary!" sputtered Ted. "Compared to Murray, you're downright butch!" Ted strode back into the studio.
"You see?" screamed Mary.
"Oh, Mare, consider the source," counseled Murray.
"Well, Murray, I ... I'm thinking of doing something dramatic to show I'm not just 'one of the guys'," said Mary.
"Like what?" Murray wanted to know. "Getting pregnant?"
"No," said Mary. "Getting silicone boobs."
"You gotta be kidding!" said Murray. "Mare, yours are fine! There's nothing wrong with them."
"Do you hear yourself? 'Fine' ... 'nothing wrong with them' ... to me, that means barely adequate," pointed out Mary. "No, I think I need to do this. To underline and put in bold print — the fact that I'm a woman."
"Well, I don't know, Mare," said Murray. "If your mind is made up..."
Lou Grant emerged from his office and went to turn on the TV that sat between Mary and Murray's desks. "Let's hear how Ted does the headlines."
Ted's voice boomed from the TV. "Good evening, I'm Ted Baxter, and here now the news! Minnesota ponders anti-smoking law ... Vikings prepare to face Green Bay on Sunday ... and Mary's gonna get a boob job!"
Mary and Murray's faces fell. Lou turned an intense red. "Ted!" he bellowed and headed for the studio.
Mary and her best friend Rhoda shared a cup of tea together that evening.
"You're serious about this, aren't you, kid?" asked Rhoda, in her brassy New York accent.
"I think so, Rhoda," said Mary. "The guys at the office just don't think of me as a woman."
"I dunno ... kind of a radical change!" mused Rhoda.
"Rhoda! It's not that radical," protested Mary. "I'm not exactly flat, you know."
"Kid ... we're in Minnesota," said Rhoda. "Scandavian stock. Big blonde men and big blonde women who have big blonde daughters. You're flat."
"Really?" asked Mary. "But Rhoda ... I've turned some heads in my day."
"Your legs turn heads," detailed Rhoda. "Your smile turns heads. Your ass turns heads — big time. You've got a hell of an ass. But when you turn around...?"
"Oh, Rhoda! You're kidding me!" Mary kept asking.
"I'm not!"
"I know you were thinking of talking me out of it," said Mary, "but now I'm more determined than ever!" The two friends walked to Mary's apartment door.
Rhoda wished Mary luck. "Let me know how it goes, kid," she said as she let herself out. "I'll see if I can suck some fat out of my thighs and have it surgically put onto my tits!" When they opened the door, they found Phyllis, the landlady in the hall.
"Oh, Mary," Phyllis said, flustered. "I was just going to knock on your door."
"Hey, Phyll," said Rhoda. "Didja hear? Mary's getting silicone knockers!"
"You're not!" said Phyllis.
"Well, yes! I think I am!" said Mary.
"But Mary!" Phyllis said, dramatically. "Take it from one who knows. They're a burden." Phyllis puffed out her chest.
Mary and Rhoda exchanged eye-rolling glances. "Phyllis ... how would you know?" said Mary, wondering if she could put her thoughts delicately. "You're not ... that ... big."
"I'm big enough to know about men looking at you as though you were a primary food source..." said Phyllis. "About them wanting to set their heads on your chest for a nap ... about other women wanting to tear yours off to keep for their own...!"
"Good night, Mary," said Rhoda. "Good night, Rho," answered Mary. "And ... good night, Phyllis," said Mary, hoping her other neighbor would get the hint.
"I see you've decided not to listen to my wise counsel," said Phyllis. "You'll be sorry..."
Mary closed the door behind her. What Phyllis didn't realize is ... when Mary got those two big Silicone Sisters she was after ... Phyllis, Rhoda and all those Scandavian girls Rhoda was talking about would pale by comparison! She smiled a wicked smile and went to bed.
Weeks later, Lou, Murray, and Ted were gathered around Mary's desk.
"She really did it, didn't she?" marveled Lou.
"Well, she said she was going to, didn't she?" answered Murray. "She certainly won't be one of the guys now!"
They waited for Mary's first appearance after the procedure. "Well, I for one don't like it!" pouted Ted.
"Ted! How can you say that?" scolded Murray. "You haven't even seen them ... I mean seen her."
"It's just that she's gonna become the most important thing around here, instead of me!" said Ted. "When people hear WJM, they won't say 'Isn't that where award-winning journalist Ted Baxter works?'"
"What'll they say?" asked Lou.
" 'WJM! That's the place with the girl who has the huge yabbos!'" fumed the anchorman.
Mary's familiar cheery voice emerged from the corridor. "Boys? Are you ready?"
The three men composed themselves. "Right here, Mare!" called Murray.
"Get ready ... here they come!" said Mary.
Here they come indeed. The doors to the newsroom opened, and Mary's swollen frontage entered. After she'd taken a few steps in, the men saw that her arms were by her sides! The two tremendous titties had pushed the door open all by themselves. They dominated her body ... shown off in a low cut and clingy dress, their prominence and sheer hugeness only emphasized by the tiny white cardigan sweater Mary had put on. They bounced with even the slightest step, and two bulging rounded points on the ends made Mary's bra-lessness public knowledge.
Mary was smiling a 500 watt smile. She put her arms behind her back and slowly pushed her chest forward to give the boys a better look.
"Well..." she said finally. "What do you think?"
Lou and Murray couldn't even exhale. Ted began to weep and dashed to the men's room.
"What's with him?" Mary asked.
"Ah, I think Ted's upset that you're getting more attention than he is," said Mr Grant, unable to take his eyes off Mary's still bobbling nipples.
"That, or he's getting rid of his hard-on before air time!" cracked Murray, who began to walk behind Mary to steal a peek down her cleavage.
"Mary!" said Lou, looking her in the eye, at least for a moment. "I've got an idea! Why don't you introduce the six o'clock news tonight?"
"Introduce it? How do you mean, Mr Grant?" Mary asked.
"Well, you'll just stand there in a tight shot, head and..." Lou gestured toward his chest. He was going to say Head And Shoulders, but clearly that wasn't exactly what he had in mind. "And you'll say something like 'And now, live from downtown Minneapolis ... The News At Six, with Ted Baxter!' Then they'd slowly dissolve to Ted on the set."
"Well, Lou, it's a terrific idea," agreed Murray, "but don't you think Ted will be upset?"
"He'll get over it!" barked Mr Grant. "Let's get Mary into makeup."
At 5:59, Mary stood in her own studio. Mr Grant decided that seeing her on the set would upset Ted, so he put Mary in the next room. She was nervous. She just breathed in and out, trying to calm down. Lou noticed the undulation in her very visible cleavage that created. "That's great, Mary ... do just that!" Lou went out into the newsroom to watch the show on TV.
The floor director gave Mary her cue. She read the copy that Murray had punched up off the Teleprompter. "And now ... live from downtown Minneapolis ... everything you need to know about the twins..." She looked significantly and sexily downward. "Twin Cities, that is! The News At Six, with Ted Baxter!"
Lou and Murray beamed as they watched. "This is gonna really go over," said Lou.
"Yeah, it's gonna be big," Murray agreed.
Just then, Mary came out of the studio and into the newsroom. "How'd it look, fellas?" she asked.
"Great," they both said, breathlessly.
"Here, let's see how Ted reacts," said Mary, pointing at the screen.
Ted had gotten wind of what was happening. "Good evening," he said.
"What's he got in his jacket?" Mr Grant said, disbelieving.
"Looks like..." Murray started to snicker. "Two great big pillows!"
Murray kept giggling and giggling, finally resting his head on Mary's enormous bust.
"There, there," said Mary, stroking Murray's bald head.
"Ted!" growled Mr Grant, and he took off for the studio.
THE END
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