Ratings Advisory: The Earth Media Content Group has determined that this story can only be read by people above the age of 18. It contains subjects and situations that are suitable only for mature audiences. Parents with underaged children will need to activate their content-advisory programs now.

This story was written for non-profit purposes.  Any resemblance to person(s) living or dead is purely coincidental.
 

[Prologue]

Early 2443, Outback. Alberto and Alysa Cerrano had guests at their Marysville home. Sitting in adjoining easy chairs, the Cerranos told stories to Kayla Carson and her two sisters, Nancy and Mae-Mae. The former Aquarian princesses gladly accepted the Cerranos' invitation to stay at their home for a weekend. With the paparazzi press out of the way, the three women could rest peacefully. Especially Mae-Mae. She wore bras only when necessary. Now out-of-sight of the nosey press, Mae-Mae allowed her watermelons free-reign underneath her equally-large blouse. Watching her bosom while she laughed would make a person re-evaluate the laws of physics.
    Alysa placed her hand on Alberto's arm, informing him to stop his joke-telling. "Honey, I believe the girls have a request to make."
    Cheeks rosy from laughter, Alberto looked at his three equally-cheerful guests. "I can guess what it is. You girls want to hear a story about old Sylvester when he was Mr Big. Don't deny it."
    "Are we that obvious?" Nancy said. "Amber and the others told us that Mr Big was a scoundrel of the first order with a sexual appetite to match. Is that an exaggeration?"
    Alberto smiled. "With Mr Big, nothing was an exaggeration. Before his curse was lifted by Felicity, bless her heart, Big had a silver tongue worthy of the Devil. He could sweet-talk a woman to go to bed with him in ten minutes flat and do all sorts of things. Like whipped cream shaving and stir fry oil massages."
    "Don't sell yourself short, Love." Alysa kissed Alberto on the ear. "You have your own special charm too."
    "Alysa..." said Alberto amusingly. The trio giggled.
    Kayla, the oldest sister, picked up where Nancy left off. "Alberto, outside of Lynnae and June's ancestors, has Big ever encountered a unique woman with special talents? A woman he just had to take to bed and have his way with her?"
    "That's a tall order, Kayla. Big was particularly found of pleasuring and being pleasured by groups of women. Often five, six, and even seven at a time. Let me think." For a moment Alberto thought hard, then the answer came to him. "Oh, yes, now I recall a particular woman that Big couldn't control outright, but had immense fun when he inadvertantly made her most recognizable quality much more prominent."
    Mae-Mae grinned. "He gave her bigger lungs?"
    "This is Big we're talking about." Alberto looked sly. "He never passes up the chance to enlarge women. And, at the risk of sounding sexist, I'd say the focus of Big's lust in this story actually enjoyed her enlarged assets."
    Alysa sighed and kissed her husband again. "Enough of the preamble, Al. Get on with the boob talk."
    "Just as soon as those three pixies stop giggling at my expense, dear."
 

1

Earth, 1999. The country - Peru. In the forested foothills of the Andes there was a woman on a quest. Somewhere in the high reaches of the mountains before her was a treasure. In the ancient writings of the Incas, there was a golden headband that bestowed upon the wearer the power to see into the future. The woman working her way through the dense forest wanted that headband. Such an item would command a high price in any auction she cared to name. And she wasn't the only one. An arch rival, Mr Frederick Salad, also had plans for the headband - dark, sinister plans. If not for the money, this woman, Laura Croft, will make sure the headband stays out of Salad's hands.
    Seeing a clearing ahead of her, Laura retrieved a pair of field glasses from her backpack. Adjusting the focus, she observed the field for any movement. There was only the sound of rustling leaves and tall grasses. Satisfied, Laura secured the glasses and continued walking. Out in the clearing she saw her destination. From four miles away the Mountain of Death (an actual name, honest!) didn't look that sinister. Tall enough to have a permanent snow pack, the mountain had indeed taken its fair share of unlucky climbers and reckless adventure seekers. Laura swore that she would never become one of the mountain's victims.
    From above came the familiar sound of helicopters. Fast, low flying helicopters. Since Laura knew there was no reason for the Peruvian Army to be in the area, those helicopters could only belong to one person. Withdrawing pistols from her thigh holsters, Laura ran towards the other side of the clearing. If she could only reach the cover of the trees...
    "Now I got you," boomed the smartalecky voice of Frederick Salad. He was in the lead copter, its large external speakers spewing forth Salad's verbal diarrhea. "I'll have my copters shoot you full of holes and then burn the remains with napalm."
    Laura took aim at Salad's copter. "You talk too much, Fred," she said. Both guns blazing, the effects of Laura's minuscule fire did damage way out of proportion for such small weapons. Black smoke poured from the lead copter. To her satisfaction, Laura heard Salad's hacking and wheezing over the speakers.
    Then the other two copters showed up. Firing machine guns and rockets, the copters blanketed the area ahead of them with hot lead and high explosives. But Laura had already moved. From behind a rock she took aim and fired. Again, her handguns displayed their unusual power. The targeted helicopter exploded when its fuel tanks were punctured by repeated hits. But its companion fired at Laura's hiding place. Huge pieces of rock and earth flew high into the air. To finish the job, a tank of napalm was released. Raging flames erupted, consuming the tall grass and bushes around the shattered rock. Surely, no-one could survive that miniature firestorm.
    Laura did survive. In fact, she had managed to grab hold of a copter's landing skid as it made a low-level pass over the field. With gymnastic grace, Laura flung herself into the copter's cabin. Both pilot and co-pilot were knocked unconscious. Without ceremony, Laura ditched the bodies and sat in the pilot's chair. She slipped the radio headphones over her ears and checked the instrument panel. With the uncanny ability to instantly grasp the basic working functions of any machine, Laura pointed the chopper toward the Mountain of Death. "This'll save some time," she said to no-one in particular.
    The radio headphones crackled to life. "I'm not done yet, Laura Croft!" It was Salad's voice. He was pissed. "You'll die for sure."
    "Get stuffed!" Laura performed a tight turn, bringing the heavy copter around. Salad's still-smoking machine was hurtling towards her, guns blazing. Laura jinxed and wove, throwing off Salad's aim. Then, at the last possible moment, Laura fired her weapons. Salad's copter erupted in flames and hurtled to the ground. The machine's impact was quite satisfactory. With the light starting to fade Laura decided not to check the wreckage and instead turned back to the mountain.
    After five minutes Laura noticed that hydraulic pressure was dropping at an alarming rate. The copter had at most two minutes to find a clear spot on which to land. Nothing but trees and more trees could be seen. Then the copter took matters into its own hands, losing all remaining hydraulics. Laura took her best shot and brought the machine down. The tail rotor hit a tree top, which in turn caused the copter to veer to the left. The main rotors came in contact with tree branches, shaking the machine violently. With only forty feet to the ground the copter fell nose first. I hope this'll be quick, Laura thought. Then all was darkness.

Laura opened her eyes slowly. Expecting either the Pearly Gates or the Brimstone Barbeque, Laura discovered that she was still in the land of the living, sitting up against a tree no less. Around her were the very trees that claimed her helicopter. The smell of burning wood and leaves permeated the air.
    "Ah," said an old male voice, "you're conscious. The rumors about your fantastic constitution are correct."
    Reflexively, Laura drew out her pistols, taking aim at the shrubbery in front of her. "Okay, buster, get out where I can see you!"
    "Oh my, is this the reward I receive for saving your life? I'm disappointed." Out from the shrubbery came a short old man. His white, short-cropped hair made him look like a thrill seeking grandfather. "I just have one question, little lady. How in the heck did you get your guns back? I just had them a moment ago."
    "That's my secret." Laura holstered her pistols. "You look familiar. I've seen plenty of old money men in my time."
    The little man laughed, coughed, and hacked. "Dear Miss Laura Croft, I'm the oldest money man there is. You see, I'm Mr Big."
    "Big? The same Mr Big that stole the bathroom fixtures from the Sultan of Brunei's palace? That Mr Big?"
    "That's my name. Don't wear it out." Big grinned as he advanced towards Laura. "It just so happens that me and my assistant Albert were trekking toward the Mountain of Death when we saw your helicopter crash. Upon investigation, we found that you were thrown clear of the wreckage. We were just checking to see if anyone else was in your copter."
    Laura inspected her green lycra top and brown shorts. She then looked accusingly at Big. "I know about you, Big, and how you regard women as objects of conquest. I'm telling you now that I won't be seduced by you. And," she said as she touched the handles of her pistols, "if you grab my ass or cop a feel I'll shoot you mercilessly, immortality or not."
    "Ma'am," Big said in hurtful voice, "you've been badly misinformed. My enemies have spread vile lies and innuendo about my sexual prowess. I assure you, my charm cannot be muted. The ladies cannot help but lust after me. Why, I hardly get a night to myself. Women keep beating a path to my door."
    "Yeah, to get away from you. Don't use your funking mumbo jumbo on me." Laura stood up and brushed herself off. "Now, if you don't mind, I must be going."
    "Going? To the Mountain of Death? Alone? Girly, you'll need help. The man chasing you hasn't gone to this much trouble to give up. No way. Me and Albert can help."
    Laura looked down past her bust at the dirty old man. "What motive could you possible have in helping me? Surely not to ogle my proud bits up close."
    "That's one reason." Big made a cheesy grin. "But you have an incredible skill when to comes to detecting traps and hidden doors. Me and Albert often take the direct approach when plundering an ancient tomb. And no, we're not interested in the headband. We only knew about it because Mr Salad is such a blabber mouth."
    Laura rubbed her right earlobe with her index finger. "Hmmmm. I can see a definite use for a man who's immortal. Any traps you set off won't kill you and gunfire won't faze you either. You're welcomed to whatever gold and gems there may be in the tomb, but why not the headband? Don't you want to see the future?"
    "The future? Bah! What's the fun of knowing the future? It'll just change due to the most inconsequential of things. I make my own future."
    "Suit yourself. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to start walking. Where's your friend?"
    "Albert's still checking the area around the copter. We'll get him on the way." Big made another grin. "That time you were stranded in the Himalayas must've increased your lung capacity. Was it then that you got your 34D bust?"
    "How did you know my bra size?"
    "Oh, a little bird and my hands told me."
    Laura was mad and made a fist. "I want to slap you for that, but you'll probably enjoy it."
    Big stuck out his tongue. "You've read my mind."
    "So I'll do this instead." With lightning reflex, Laura drew a pistol and shot Big in the crotch.
    The little man fell to the ground, clutching his wounding pride. "Ouch! That stings like Hell!"
    Laura peered down at Big, looking satisfied. "Well now, you really are immortal. You and Albert can catch up to me. You'll pick my trail easily enough. I bet you can tell the bust size of a woman by the foot prints she leaves behind. Tootles." The adventurous woman left the embarrassed little man behind. Still hurting, Big couldn't take pleasure seeing Laura's bottom wiggle as she walked into the woods towards the Mountain of Death.
    Big got up and walked off the pain that resided in his member. He didn't mind being shot by such a lovely creature. He just wondered how Laura Croft knew about the bust measure footprint technique.
 

2

Laura made camp that evening at the base of the mountain. Big and Albert caught up with her earlier. The duo brought a peace offering in the form of a dead rabbit. Laura declined, trusting her own campfire cooking. Besides, Big and Albert had the guts worthy of a junkyard goat. Who knows what kinds of parasites and diseases were inside the dead bunny.
    Albert finished skinning the rabbit, placing it on a spit. He applied a seasoning to the meat as he slowly turned the carcass over the campfire. Big had the hungry look in his eye, but it wasn't the rabbit that caused it. The sight of Laura's tight shirt made the little man fill with lust.
    Laura felt rightfully indignant. "Pardon me, Big. Is there a poisonous spider on my shirt?"
    The old pervert only made eye contact for a fleeting moment before resuming his chest-gazing. "Actually, I'm admiring the resiliency of your lycra top. In your adventures, had any of your shirts ripped open?"
    Again with lightning reflexes, Laura drew a pistol and shot Big in the chest. "Can't you think of anything else? There'll be plenty of gems and trinkets at the Mountain of Death for you to give to your brothel babes. There's nothing you have that I want."
    "I know what I want," said Big, inspecting the damage to his shirt, not to mention his pride amour. "How did you know I was immortal? I try to keep that fact from becoming general knowledge."
    Laura grinned as she returned her gun to its holster. "Oh, a little lady by the name of Duchess Hightower told me. She talked in detail about her 'liaison' with a devilishly handsome little man. The Duchess is noted for her beauty, and in fact she had a slew of suitors and secret lovers surrounding her. One night, all of them, including you, showed up at the same time." Laura took note of Big's embarrassed face. "Being the jealous type, you challenged the other men to a sword duel. To a man, you cut them down, as the Duchess said, 'like wheat being harvested in the fall'. It was on that night you had your final evening of passionate lovemaking with her. The cost to replace the broken bedroom items was over 5,000 pounds."
    Big whistled like a schoolboy. "Don't blame me, Miss Croft. Duchess Hightower possessed extraordinary sexual powers and intensity I rarely see in women. Plus her 34G rack was captivating. Especially that low-cut nightgown she..." Before he could finish Big was shot by Laura again, this time in the foot. "Ouch! Why did you do that, woman? You're ruining my clothes."
    "I did it for the sake of my sanity, Big. Once you talk about breasts you keep on talking about them all night. Duchess Hightower told me that also. Mention breasts again, be it mine or any other woman's, I'll shoot you in the mouth."
    "Such a hair-triggered temper you have, Miss Croft. And here I was ready to express my adoration for your exploits." Big turned away, disgusted. "Do you accept compliments only from nice men?"
    "Just sincere ones. Your ultimate goal is to have me toss in the hay with you."
    "You said it, dear, not me." Big was all smiles.
    Laura ever so wanted to shoot Big again, but decided against it. Another gunshot might attract someone's attention, namely Mr Salad. What Salad lacked in social graces he made up with luck and more luck, not to mention determination. Moreover, Big might be enjoying the attention he was receiving, even at the price of being shot. Laura just sneered her disgust as she got into her sleeping bag. "I'm going to sleep now. Don't even look in my general direction, you half-pint seducer."
    "Dear, do you always sleep with your guns? Are you that afraid that a hot-blooded Romeo will slip into your arms and..." BANG! Big was rewarded with another bullet to the chest. "Ouch again! It's as if I'm being attacked by metallic mosquitos."
    Laura holstered her gun and fell fast asleep. She accepted the risk that the gunshot might've attracted someone. But with Albert and Big keeping watch that wasn't a worry. Laura could hardly wait for tomorrow. In a cave located somewhere high up on the Mountain of Death was a treasure worth any inconvenience and childish innuendo that Big had to offer.

After a light breakfast the trio started their way up the mountain. Big and Albert were fascinated by Laura's incredible backpack. Her sleeping bag disappeared effortlessly into the pack, and out came a copious supply of rope and spikes. Big readily imagined uses for that backpack. Getting his hands on it, though, was a different matter.
    Five hours of climbing had the little band at the 7,000 foot level. They were having lunch on a convenient outcropping of flat rock. Big and Albert wolfed down strips of beef jerky while Laura had tea and sandwiches, courtesy of her amazing backpack. It was then that Laura first heard the noise. It was the cawing of a huge bird. She looked up into the sky, her wire-rimmed sunglasses enabling her to see clearly in the bright sunlight. Some five hundred feet above a huge bird was circling. "What a vulture," she said. "The wingspan must be at least 12 feet."
    "No, Missy, make that 20," said Big. "I know that bird. I ran into it before. July, 1959 to be exact."
    Laura hurumphed. "No way such a huge bird could live that long. Anyway, a bird with a 20-foot wingspan is scientifically impossible."
    "Try telling that to the bird, Missy," Big replied. "Just because I killed it's mate all those years ago doesn't give it the right to treat me like Tippi Hedren."
    The vulture apparently heard Big talking. With claws open, the flying symbol of death made a bee-line for Big. Laura drew out her guns and blasted away. To her shock, the big bird wasn't phased in the slightest. At the last possible moment Laura ducked, feeling the backwash of air on her neck as the bird past. Big tried to become one with the rock, but his jacket was torn up by the bird's claws.
    "I should've know," Laura stewed. "Big, you're a genuine weirdness magnet. Strange shit happens to you wherever you go."
    "Wrong, Missy. I cause strange shit to happen. Got anything in your backpack that can take out a supernatural buzzard?"
    "A net-thrower would've been nice, but no such luck."
    "Look!" Albert said, pointing at the bird, "Desmond the Demon Bird is making another attack run."
    Laura looked incredulous. "Desmond the Demon Bird? You gave that thing a name?"
    "Don't blame me, Miss Croft. Big gave it that name back in '59."
    Squawking incessantly, Desmond the Demon Bird swooped down on his prey. Laura fired her pistols, knowing that her shots were hitting the bird. If so, Desmond didn't appear to be affected at all. This time its claws caught Big by the shoulders and actually lifted the little man. Wings beating improbably fast, the huge bird ascended with its prey firmly in its grasp.
    "Albert!" Big yelled. "Do something!"
    Laura knew what to do. She reached into her backpack and withdrew a flame thrower. With a comical grin, she took aim at the big bird and let loose with a stream of flame. The improbable creature promptly caught fire, dropping Big like a bad habit. In a fall that would've killed anyone else, Big was treated to just another annoying bump on the head.
    "That was fun." Big brushed himself off. "Let's not do that again."
    The burning ball of feathers and gristle known as Desmond the Demon Bird plummeted earthwards. Seconds later it exploded like a bad special effect. "That truly must've been an old bird," Laura said. "It was only the gas inside it that kept it airborne all those years."
    "Enough of the bird, Laura. What about me? Got any clothes?" Big showed off this ruined jacket.
    "Only those that fit me, you troublemaker. You're immortal. Be a man and tough it out."
    "I'll tough it out, all right. Being in the presence of your shapely body will embolden me to endure..." Big was shot by Laura again, this time in the left thigh. He made himself grin instead of grimace. "...to endure any hardship I may face. Laura, I have another question. Don't those guns of yours ever run out of ammo?"
    "I never had to change a clip. And these guns only work for me. So forget about stealing them."
    "You wound me to the quick, Laura."
 

3

At five p.m. the trio reached the cave entrance. The view at 9,000 feet was spectacular, provided one didn't look down. Any misstep here would mean certain death. Big and Albert had no worry, but Laura was rightfully concerned. She concentrated on the cave entrance instead. "Well now, look at what we have here," Laura said. "A totally nondescript entrance."
    "I agree, Miss Croft," said Albert. "There's something definitely wrong with this picture."
    "Let's start with the traps." Laura picked up a rock and threw it into the entrance. The group heard the rock hit the cave floor. "No light-sensitive triggers evident. Let's try trip wires." Laura picked up another rock, one sufficiently round and massive to suit her needs. She rolled it like a duckpin bowling ball down the cave entrance. Again, nothing happened. "Well, I guess this is our lucky day. Let's go."
    With flashlights in hand, the trio proceeded into the cave. Laura shone her light about the cave walls. "I'm looking for signs of a secret door. According to my information, that door opens to a tunnel that leads deep into the mountain towards the central chamber."
    Big sniggered. "Good. Use your cat-eyes. Any pussy can find her way in the dark."
    Instead of a bullet, Big was assailed by Laura's harsh words. "Shut up, Big. There's bound to be a trap here. If we're not careful..." Just then a resilient cracking noise was heard, followed by some dust falling from the ceiling. Laura shined her light on the ceiling, noticing a growing collection of cracks. She then focused her attention on Big. "I bet you caused this, you troublemaker. Did you step on a cockroach?"
    "Why, yes I did. I hate 'em."
    "Fool! I've learned the hard way that traps are often set off by the most inconsequential of things." She punched the wall out of frustration. "Now the ceiling will collapse on us."
    "Miss Croft," Albert said earnestly, "it appears Lady Luck has shown us her hand. There's the door!" Indeed, it appeared that Laura's punch had found the trigger to open the secret door.
    "Then let's go!" Laura didn't hesitate to enter the freshly revealed passageway. Big and Albert followed with hardly a moment to spare. The cave ceiling collapsed, blocking the only know exit with tons of rocks. Collecting her breath, Laura shone her light on Big's face. "That tears it. There had better be another exit out of here."
    Big was without shame. "Don't worry your pretty bottom on minor details, Laura. These ancient tombs always have an exit."
    "Thanks for reminding me. I leave it to you to take care of any Inca mummies that block our exit."
    "Sure thing, doll. Anything I can do to keep your sexy skin free from mummy meat..." Big was silenced by Laura's fist impacting against his gut.
    "Oh, do shut up, Big. Just follow my steps. And don't step on any more cockroaches."

Two hours of walking had the trio deep inside the mountain. Laura was getting nervous. In her previous adventures danger was always lurking behind every corner. Here, inside the Mountain of Death, it was like walking into a haunted house before the official opening. The props were in place, but none of the actors had shown up.
    "I'm hungry," said Big. "Let's stop and have a quick bite of dinner."
    "Why not?" replied Laura. "A chicken salad sandwich will be downright exciting compared to this place."
    Laura took off her backpack and did what appeared to be random rummaging. In a moment her efforts were rewarded with a chicken salad sandwich complete with napkin and soft drink.
    "Just how are you able to do that, Missy?" questioned Big.
    "I don't question the function of my backpack, Big. It came with my guns. A part of a set, so to speak. And the name is Laura, not Missy."
    "Sorry... Laura," Big said seductively. This time Laura didn't fire. The sound of a gunshot would carry a long way in the winding tunnels.
    "Ouch!" Laura jumped up. "Something just stung me!"
    Albert flashed his torch at the spot were Laura was just sitting. A dark scorpion, annoyed by the light, scampered away. Indignant, Laura crushed the awful beastie with her boot. "Better get an antidote into you quick, Miss Croft," said Albert.
    "I'm afraid that isn't possible, Albert." Laura inspected her leg. The wound inflicted by the scorpion was already turning red and ugly.
    "That's hard to believe, Miss Croft. Your incredible backpack must have..."
    "Don't have a medical kit. Never needed one before. Strange. There was always one around when I needed one. But not here." Laura sat down. She was beginning to sweat heavily. "Atlantis, Egypt, the Himalayas. No matter what, there was a medical kit when I needed it the most. This appears to be the exception."
    "Not so, Laura." Big rummaged through his own pack. "I just so happen to carry some medicines of my own. You'll be right as rain in a moment."
    "Make that a fast moment, Big." Laura's lycra top, heavy with sweat, stuck to her bust like cling wrapping. Her gorgeous bosom billowed and receded with each heavy breath.
    Big held a small syringe in hands. "Got it. You won't feel a thing, Laura." With immeasurable years of practice, Big injected the antidote into Laura with ease. In a daring move, the little criminal kissed Laura's arm. "There, Biggy has made your boo-boo all better."
    Poor Laura looked out of it, her eyelids were as heavy as lead. "You're... full of it... Big," she slurred. Without ceremony, her head slumped onto her chest. The antidote worked, but it also made her go to sleep.
    Big consulted a map he had brought along with him. "According to the map, Albert, the central chamber is just down this tunnel. There's a small nook in the wall just 100 meters further down. We'll spend the night there. You carry Miss Croft and I'll take the rest of the gear."
    "Understood, Mr Big."
 

4

After two hours of peaceful slumber Laura woke up in a jerk. Face and arms glistening in sweat, the adventurous woman tried to make sense of her surroundings. The lighting was provided in the form of an improbable kerosene lamp, once again courtesy of her magical backpack. By the appearance of the walls Laura knew she was in still in the tunnel, but she didn't know how far inside the mountain she was.
    Then Laura saw Big sitting nearby, looking insufferably pleased. "Wha'ta you looka at?" she said, her words still slurred from the effects of the antidote. "I have ta right mund to shot ya again."
    "Dear precious Laura, you don't seriously mean that, do you?" Big worked his silver tongue, knowing that this was his only real chance to jump into bed with the British Vixen. "You must feel all clammy and icky wearing that sweat-soak lycra top. Why don't you take it off? Wash that sweaty skin of yours and dry yourself off. You have all the needed materials in your backpack."
    "That'sa good idear," Laura heard herself say. What made me say that? she thought. Having Big anywhere near me while I wash myself is a bad idea. "You bea good boy and make yourself scarse, Biggy." God! I actually called him Biggy! What's happening to me?
    "I respectfully disagree, Laura." Big moved in closer. His look of concern complemented his silver tongue. "I cannot in good conscious leave you alone. A wandering beasty could come along and eat you. I'll protect you."
    "Just keepa your eyes off ma boobs." God again! I said boobs! He's hypnotizing me! Laura couldn't help but look down at her top. She felt her bosom heat up like a furnace, trapped underneath the tight lycra. If left alone, Laura knew her bust would build up so much pressure that it would explode. "A girl hasa her modesty, ya'know?" she managed to say with effort.
    Big moved in closer still, practically in arm's reach of his objective. "Laura, being the man that I am, I've seen plenty of women in various stages of dress... and undress. Believe me when I say that the sight of your naked bosom won't make me feel embarrassed."
   "Well, you're a big boy. I think I can trust you." In an unconscious move Laura removed her top, freeing her bust from the captivity of the lycra. "Many boys would love ta touch my ta-tas." It's not like Big hasn't seen breasts before, she thought. Wait a minute! He's gawking at my breasts, not some bar floozy! And I can't believe I just said ta-tas!
    "Laura, you're the embodiment of feminine grace." Big gazed at Laura's superb bust. "You're as natural as they come."
    "Can you fetch my backpack?" Laura cupped her all-so cuppable breasts, looking innocent.
    "I most certainly can, you sweet thing."
    Gosh, I hate to admit this, but Big is so darn cute. Laura watched as Big retrieved the backpack, pulling out a wet sponge and a handtowel after a brief moment of rummaging. Duchess Hightower wasn't kidding. He's like a big teddy bear. With the sponge, Laura proceeded to wipe away the sweat and grime she felt on her chest and arms. Big followed the trail of the sponge with intense interest.
    Hot Heaven, she's a beauty! Big was utterly enamored by Laura's childlike enthusiasm as she cleaned herself. My sexual powers have finally caught up to Laura. I'll know in a minute if she wants me to share her bed tonight!
    "Biggy?" said Laura sweetly. She held the handtowel like it was a dead rat. "Care to dry me off? I think you'll do a much better job at it."
    "I'll be delighted." Hot Damn! I've seduced a woman in record time! It must've been the antidote. But I'm not complaining. I'll take them anyway I can! Big accepted the handtowel. Like a tease, he first dried off Laura's luscious arms. He ardently hoped the firmness of Laura's breasts was the same as her biceps. Big couldn't believe the sensual softness of Laura's shoulders. It had to be attributed to her wonderful backpack. No straps marks and creases blemished the skin as far as Big could tell.
    Laura, in turn, was heating up rapidly again. Big is incredible! she thought as pleasure and arousal continued their inexorable rise. He may look like a prune, but he has the hands of a Casanova! I want him, I want him all to myself! Laura opened her eyes. "Big," she said smoothly, "can you be a dear and move on to the main course? My chest feels cold."
    Big was all too willing to comply. He placed a hand on Laura's right breast as he dried off the left one. A smiled played across his face as his assumptions were proven correct. My breast sense told me they were real, and they are. Not a drop of silicone in these boobies! And the firmness! Amazing! Absently-mindedly, Big's thumb played with Laura's right nipple. The ecstasy on her face was priceless. Goodness. The fanboys would stand in line for hours to see this!
    Then a remarkable thing happened. Laura moaned, her breath slow and heavy. Big felt his hands being pushed away ever-so-slightly. He glanced down at her chest, confirming what his hands told him. "Wowzers! Laura, my dear, you've gained some frontage!"
    "Lemme see." With happy eyes, Laura looked upon her bust, her hands cupping her norks like they were long-lost friends. "I felt so good and fuzzy when they grew. How much more of me is there?"
    "An inch. Definitely an inch! Laura, let me try something." Big placed his hands on Laura's breasts, letting his thumbs play with her nipples. Again, Laura moaned, her face in total bliss. Big almost jumped out of his pants when he felt his hands being pushed aside. There was no denying it - Laura's bust had grown two more inches. "Hot Heaven! Not in all my years have I've ever caused a woman's bust to spontaneously expand. You must be the literal one in a million!"
    "Biggy, do it again. I want more!" Laura wrapped her arms around Big's shoulders, drawing him closer. "You're opening the universe for me. Give me more."
    "Are you sure, Sweetbumps? What about your career as an adventurer?"
    Quickly, Laura kissed Big on the lips. That came as a surprise to the little man. "Talk about that later. Put those hands back on my ladybumps, you magician. Make me feel good. Make me grow."
    "If you insist, you vixen." Big happily complied with Laura's request. His talented thumbs pushed and played with Laura's aroused nipples. For a third time, Laura's moaning signified that her bust had grown again. "To all the Saints and Sinners! You've rising like dough! I'll make a closer inspection!" Big handled the enlarged flesh like it was warm pizza dough, kneading and rolling it with the flair of an Italian chef.
    "Oh God, that's terrific!" Laura wailed. "More!" Again she grew, her mass acting like the proverbial dough Big was working his magic on. "Am I big enough for the oven, Biggy?"
    "Oh Goodness! Yes you are, pizza pie of my eye!" Big helped Laura undo her huge belt buckle and remove her tight short-shorts. "Pink panties, Larua? I was hoping for lavender."
    Laura hooked her thumbs under the elastic band of the panty. Sensuously, she pulled the undergarment down. "I couldn't find a lavender panty the last time I went shopping at Delia's Lingerie," she said playfully.
    Big removed his clothes with the urgency of a burning man. "I got connections at Delia's Lingerie. You'll get all the lacy, silky, bullet-proof melon carriers you need!"
    "Biggy, you have a way with words." Laura gave Big an intense kiss, her breasts doing their best to crush him. "And you have a way with women."
    "So true, Laura," Big replied as he regained his breath. He took in Laura's enlarged glories and whistled. "Boy, I sure like to get lost in that cleavage of yours!"
    "Stop talking and get in there, you prune!" Laura's giggle was girlish. The following loveplay could be heard quite well in the myriad of tunnels inside the Mountain of Death.

5

Thanks to Albert's work of the previous night, the trio made good time reaching the central chamber. Along the way, Laura and Big saw the various critters Albert was forced to kill. Laura had smelled death before, but not the kind that came from dead giant radioactive spiders. The breakfast Laura had just an hour earlier decided to make a quick exit from her stomach. After allowing Laura to regain her composure, the group reached the first set of traps.
    "Typical trap door triggers," said Laura, inspecting the floor carefully.
    Albert whistled. "Incredible, Miss Croft. I didn't see them last night. It was sheer luck that I didn't set them off. How do you do that?"
    "Easy. I just lower the contrast until the outlines of the trap doors become visible."
    Albert scratched his head. "Lower the contrast?"
    "That's another of my talents that I've developed in my adventures. Now, if you two boys will follow my footsteps, we'll get going."
    Another hour past before the trio reached the main entrance to the chamber. A slew of dead critters was all over the place. "Looks like there were more beasties about," said Albert as he kicked a dead giant iguana. "These weren't here a few hours ago. My nerve gas claimed these arrivals."
    "So you're saying the rest of your kills are behind that door?" Big pointed to the ornately-carved stone door.
    "At least ten, not including the ones killed by the nerve gas. Go on ahead. I've already set off the trap linked to that door."
    Laura looked curious. "What kind of trap was it?"
    "A brickload of three-foot rats fell from the ceiling and landed on top of me."
    "Ah, Albert, I don't want to sound paranoid," Laura twiddled her thumbs, "can you so kind as to enter the chamber first? A fresh fall of rats would probably kill me."
    "I'll be glad to do so, Miss Croft." Albert opened the door and entered the chamber. There wasn't a rain of rats, and a relieved Laura joined her companions. The chamber was huge. Around the walls were the inexplicably lit, but totally expected, torches. On the floor in scattered clumps were dead animals. Some were blown apart by gunfire, while others were obvious victims of the gas.
    Laura looked all about her. "Alright, where's the supposedly immortal guardians? I hardly think that nerve gas would've killed them that quickly."
    Big pointed towards the center of the chamber. "I believe they heard you, Laura. It's none-other than the legendary Killer Yaks of the Andes."
    There, just fifty meters away, was a small herd of yaks. Normally peaceful animals, this particular bunch of yaks looked as if they've tasted human flesh. Their dull eyes were replaced with those of a killer. "Hey," Laura protested, "just hold on one damn minute. Yaks aren't indigenous to South America."
    "True, Miss Croft." Albert prepped his Uzi submachinegun. "But a thousand years ago the Chinese were using ocean-capable junks to cross the Pacific. A few yaks might've been brought over in one such crossing."
    Big checked the magazine for his Uzi before slapping it back in. "Save the history lesson until we're out of here. Let's take care of these varmints."
    "I couldn't agree more." Laura pulled out her pistols and commenced to blaze away. Three yaks fell to the ground in bloody ruin before the others realized there were being attacked. In a group they charged, hissing and snarling, revealing their big, nasty, pointed teeth.
    What followed was typical video-game violence. Yaks were mowed down by gunfire like blades of grass before a lawnmower. Soon a large pile of yaks formed in front of the trio, the blood running down the sides of the carcasses like rainwater. Only one yak managed a weak bite on Laura's leg before it was dispatched with a gunshot to the head. But that wasn't all. A flock of ill-tempered vampire bats arrived, intent on sinking their fangs into Laura's neck. They didn't succeed. While Big and Albert hastily reloaded their weapons Laura kept blazing away with her pistols. The floor was littered with dead bats. The men were awed by Laura's incredible marksmanship. Her enormus bust apparently wasn't interfering with her shooting. Finally, a cougar appeared out of nowhere and leapt at Laura. Aim true, the buxom lass killed the critter while it was in mid-air. She side-stepped out of the way, letting the dead cat hit the floor with a satisfying thud.
    "Remarkable," Big proclaimed. "Hey, what happened to the bodies?"
    Laura holstered her guns, her smile wicked. "Oh, I imagine that the refresh rate finally caught up."
    "Refresh rate?"
    "Another of my secrets. Now where is that... ah!" Laura walked up to a small box that bore the Red Cross symbol. "A medical kit. Now I can fix my wound."
    "Once again I say remarkable." Big looked around the chamber. He squeaked in delight. "Oh-boy! Albert, do you see half of what I see?"
    Albert wolf-whistled. "A nice big pile of gems and gold jewelry. The Yaks must've been hiding it from our view. Miss Croft, would you do the honors?"
    "I would love to, Albert. But I think we've been upstaged. Look who's here."
    Coming from an entrance on the far side of the chamber was none other than Frederick Salad and his goon squad of fifteen men. For a man with a bandaged head and left arm in a cast, Mr Salad was actually chipper. "Hello, Miss Laura Croft. I'm so happy to see you alive... and bigger! My God! I didn't know you were that enormous! Have you lost your minimizer bra as well as your green lycra shirt?"
    Laura unconsciously covered her shirt-clad chest. "Something like that, you grab-ass freak. How did you get here?"
    "I used a plot device, Miss Croft, in the form of a secret cable-car lift built by Peruvian drug smugglers back in the '70s." Salad looked cross. "Call me a freak, will you? You've teamed up with the worst freak of all!" Salad gloated as he gazed upon the thin-lipped visage of Mr Big. "I may not be able to control my mouth all the time, but Mr Big can't control his libido at all. In Lima, he 'entertained' six women in his luxury hotel suite. He promised to get some genuine Inca jewelry for them to wear. Tsk, tsk, Biggy. You shouldn't have said a word about the Mountain of Death. One of those girls was on my payroll."
    Big looked proud and defiant. "And I'll keep my promise to those senoritas. Me and Albert can clean your clock with our bare hands. Your guns will have no effect on us."
    Salad laughed liked a silly boy. "Bullets won't harm you, but I can make your life a living hell." One of Salad's goons stepped forward, holding a briefcase in his hands. "I've taken the liberty of purchasing a five-kiloton nuclear warhead on the black market. If I don't get the headband in three minutes I'll set the bomb off. Sure, everyone here except you and Albert will die, but you two will be hopelessly radioactive for the next 57 years. Leaving a radioactive trail for the authorities to follow would be most detrimental to your capers."
    "Your limited imagination is more than made up by your sheer determination, Salad," Big admitted. He searched the jewelry pile and found the headband. Salad was visibly anxious when he saw Big holding the headband up for everyone to see.
    Salad licked his lips. "That's good, Big. Now, toss it over." One of the goons caught the headband and handed it to his boss. "I've won!" Salad beamed as he placed the headband on his swell head. "Now I'll become the richest man in the world! I see the future before me." With a shit-eating grin in place, Salad looked directly at Laura. "First, I see Laura taking off her shirt in an attempt to distract me. Fat chance, sister! I've seen bigger boobs in the White House. Go ahead, show me your tits. I just might spare your life."
    With slow fingers, Laura undid the buttons on her borrowed shirt. Like an old-fashion burlesque tease, the adventurous woman pulled away the fabric, exposing her proud, firm bust. Some of the goons were faintly moaning at the sight of her perky nipples and luscious skin. She spoke playfully. "Why don't you guys take a picture? It'll last longer." Even Salad had to join his men in their overt appreciation of Laura's breasts. The men began to pant like dogs. Laura spoke in a sugar voice. "Would you boys like to see my knickers too? They're as pink as baby flesh and they don't cover my bum all that much."
    Salad would've said something, but it was too late. He and his men were distracted by the prospect of seeing Laura in her underwear. In a flash Laura retrieved her pistols and commenced to blast away. Salad was hit twice in the chest, falling to the ground like a broken toy. Big and Albert didn't bother with their guns at all, instead using their particular brand of kick-ass on Salad's men. Bodies were tossed about like leaves in the wind. Incredibly, the goons were unable to bring themselves to shoot back at Laura. The sight of volleyball-sized knockers left them without the power of coherent thought.
    Big broke one goon's spine like it was a stick of celery. He tossed the new human rag doll onto a pile of his compatriots. "That's the last of them. Now, let's rustle up the rest of the treasure."
    "You... fools!" Salad sputtered. On the floor, the dying man turned to face his protagonists. "The bomb... is linked to my... bodily functions." He hacked, bringing up a cupful of blood. Everyone was grossed out by the sight. "When I die... the bomb will detonate... in two minutes. You..." Salad pointed a damning finger at the trio, "will be trapped... forever... within this mountain. Your tomb will be of liquid rock... that will solidify over your ashes!"
    "Then we'll have to keep you alive," Laura said curtly.
    "Fat chance... you balloon smuggler. I'm dying. But I'm dying happy. Seeing your angry breasts and erect nipples... will ease my way to Hell."
    Laura fired at Salad again, making him die that much quicker. "I know that was useless, but it felt so good. And I earned 5,000 bonus points. Okay, Big," she turned to the little man, "you have a trick to get us out of here?"
    Big just smiled as he pulled a small black object from his pocket. He pressed the center of the object with his right thumb. "I've just beeped my car to pick us up."
    "You have a car stashed on this mountain? There's no way a four-wheeled vehicle can even remotely reach us here."
    "But this beeper isn't for a normal vehicle."
    Just then, part of the ceiling collapsed. Through the dust came the shine of polished metal and the sound of jets. Laura looked on in wonder as the incredible vehicle known as Supercar came to rest right in front of Mr Big.
    Laura was amazed. "Is that the actual Supercar?"
    "It certainly is, Laura. C'mon, get that headband and let's beat cheeks."
    Laura hesitated for a moment, then jumped into the back seat of the incredible vehicle. "As long as it exist, that headband will cause nothing but misery and death. Let it be destroyed by the bomb."
    "Suit yourself, little lady. You've could made a fortune with that thing." Big looked silly as he gawked at Laura's open shirt. "Girlie, were you raised in a barn?"
    "You can stop looking, you know." Laura closed the shirt over her bust and gave Big a raspberry.
    Albert and Big hopped in the front seats, throwing switches and turning nobs. "Okay, Albert, put the pedal to the metal!"
    With efficiency, Albert piloted Supercar out through the tunnel that the amazing vehicle created. In an eyeblink the vehicle was free of the mountain. Albert increased speed, leaving the Mountain of Death farther and farther behind. Then the bomb exploded. The mighty mountain was shaken to its core. Huge landslides raced down the slopes, utterly changing the appearance of the dreaded peak. It could be truly said that the mountain's reputation of death and disaster was increased by this apparently mysterious explosion.
    Only three people knew exactly what happened inside the mountain, but they weren't going to tell anyone about it. Big undid his safety belts, crawling over the seat to get to Laura. The adventurous woman helped the little man over, her smile natural and wide. "Big, I hoped you got enough gems to satisfy those luscious women waiting for you in Lima."
    "I most certainly have enough, Laura. But I'll allow you the honor of first pick." Big pulled out a double-handful of gems and jewelry from his vest pockets.
    "Oh, thanks!" Laura picked out a red ruby the size of an American quarter. "This'll look good on a gold chain, and it'll be safe deep inside my new cleavage."
    "Excellent choice, Laura. I refuse to let you go home empty-handed."
    Laura covered the front of her exposed breasts. "You're saying that these don't count?"
    "You'll probably curse me for every back spasm caused by your boobs, not to mention every lewd comment made by insensitive male jerks."
    "As long as they don't say it in front of my face. My bumpers could do a right bit of damage I'd say."
    "I know two particular female FBI agents who would agree with you." Big laid a hand on Laura's chest. "You're going to keep them, aren't you?"
    "Oh Heavens, yes I am. I'm not going to be an adventurer all my life, you know. What's the fun of having money if I can't build a house for my future family to live in? My new breasts will go a long way to keep my babies fed."
    "Then I wish the best of luck to you, Laura." Big looked downright naughty and cute. "Remember what I said about Delia's Lingerie? You'll have proper bras to take care of your treasures. And speaking of treasures," Big had a gleam in his eye, "I have one final request."
    "What could that be, you devilishly handsome dwarf?"
    "Can I massage your ladybumps one last time? I won't be seeing you again, and I want to have the best of memories about you from now on. After all, I made you grow."
    "So you did, you devil." Laura kissed Big on the forehead. "Handle my bumps like pizza dough."
    Back in the driver's seat, Albert raised the security partition, granting Big and Laura their privacy. It'll take two hours to reach the secret airfield near Lima. Albert suspected that the giggling adults in the back seat would be finished by then.
 

[Epilogue]

Mae-Mae giggled. "What a cute story, Alberto. Had Big ever tried to duplicate the effects of the antidote?"
    "He did try, Mae-Mae, but with no success." Alberto took a sip of hot coco. "It was the poison of that particular scorpion species at the Mountain of Death, in conjunction with the antidote, that enable a woman's breasts to grow. When the interior of the mountain was destroyed, the remaining scorpions were destroyed as well. Had me and Big succeeded in replicating the effects, then Bubbles the BE drink would've been created centuries earlier."
    Nancy made a giggle too. "Now that's a horrid thought. What happened to that remarkable woman?"
    "Laura Croft? Oh, she did indeed continued her adventures. Before this adventure, people assumed Laura could control the size of her breasts. They figured that she got tired of hiding her true size and simply returned to her 'normal' dimensions. Her fanmail increased tenfold, and she even posed for several clothing catalogs. Why, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue for the year 2000 had a total of fifteen reprints. Life-sized posters of her were quite popular for years afterward."
    Kayla sighed. "At least Laura had fun and even made money due to her bigger norks. I still want to kill that paparazzi that photographed me breast-feeding baby Teresa."
    "Don't worry your pretty head, Kayla. I'm sure that jerk is hiding in a deep, dark cave, fearing for his life. All that money he got from selling that picture won't do him a bit of good."
    "I agree." Kayla smiled. "If Amber had the time, she would've hunted down that man herself. She's too busy spoiling Teresa. I better call and check up on them. I'm afraid that Teresa will gain an additional 10 kilos when I return on Monday."
    "Babies need their food, Kayla. Go on ahead and make your call. We'll wait for you."
    Nancy raised her hand. "Alberto, was there ever an instance where you had an adventure all by yourself?"
    "Oh, several times, Nancy. Why, back in 2162, on the planet Mercury in the Terran system, I was recovering some electronics for Mr Big. In one of the mines I ran across an old enemy, an enemy thought vanquished long ago."
    Mae-Mae was interested, for she was sitting on the edge of her seat. "Who was it?"
    "The Solinoid Robots. I had to improvise like I had never done before up to that point. It was a gruesome, no-holds barred battle of extermination, and I did it all by myself," Alberto said with pride. "But you'll have to wait until Kayla makes her call back home."
    Both Nancy and Mae-Mae turned to the elder sister. "Hurry up and make the call already," Mae-Mae demanded. "We don't have all night."
 
 

END

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