A porno isn't a porno without the actors. They are the essence of making sweet love and videotaping it.
You could hire some beautiful, busty porn stars....but that would cost money.
Instead, you walk out onto the streets of a municipal city and walk up to women and ask them "are you horny?" It doesn't matter how they look, it can all be changed later.
Sure, you might get a few slaps in the face, the cops might be coming for you, but when you find those two fat ladies that want to have sex but re just too damn ugly, you know you've hit the jackpot. You tell them that if they will be in your porn, they can fuck their brains out. They will most definitely agree.
You can do the same thing with men, but you have to ask a different question: "who would you rather fuck: Marilyn Monroe's dead body, a pregnant monkey, or a prostitute with AIDS?" Here's some advice, wear a jock.
You'd be surprised how many say Marilyn Monroe's dead body. But you want the ones that say the pregnant monkey. Don't ask me why, it's just the best way.
Now that you have your cast, two fat ladies and two disgusting men, you will have to transform their bodies to make them porn ready.
To do this, you must take your magical scepter (on sale for $6.91 at Wal-Mart for a limited time only) and recite the following magic words:
abracadabra shmalakazam boogidyboogidy hocus pocus.
Once you have recited the magic words, pray that the septor works. Point it at one of the fat ladies. If you start growing breasts, it means you're holding the septor the wrong way.
Start at her legs. They will quickly become less plump, and long and sexy. Her hips will squeeze inward, and her pussy hair will be gone (the scepter also comes with a pussy shaver attachment piece. Her abs will flatten, and her gigantic stomach will fall to the floor. You will want to discard the leftover stomach flesh, as it will attract ants.
Next, her breasts will become perfectly round, spherical melons, HHH cup bra sized. The areolae will be 2.5 inches in diameter. Her nipples will be permanently erect, for sucking purposes. There will be an everlasting supply of milk in the breasts, in case anyone's thirsty on the set.
The woman's once plump face will quickly be liposuctioned and her face will be irresistibly cute. Her eyes will become blue, just because the sky is blue. Her hair will straighten and blondify. This becomes the perfect woman, according to the magical scepter.
Next point it to the other fat lady. If she starts shrinking, then you have the toggle switch on 'de-sizify'. Switch it to 'de-uglify'. This will make this once fat ugly woman into a horny sexy human with large breasts and brown hair. She will sit and play with her gargantuan hooters as you fix up the guys.
To change the guys, you must change the toggle switch on the scepter to 'ugly stick'. You will beat them with it until they look better.
Don't forget to use the magic scepter on your own cock. If you are smart, you'd make your cock a big 14 inches, and nice and thick. You can even make it so that you can't cum unless you want to, so that you can fuck all night long.
Now you will have two definitely hot sexy naked women and two well, definitely.....naked men in your living room.
Next, you must find clothes for them.
Normally, the clothes in a porno don't matter. They end up on the floor anyway. But little do you know they are crucial to the beginning of the porn. It can't just start with them fucking, it must begin, then after fucking, it will end.
You wrap a towel over each of the women's breasts and pussy, so they can walk around in public. You take them to a popular children's fashion store. You send them in to find clothes that are WAY too small, revealing much of their sexy bodies.
Upon going to pay have the women complain. Make sure the cashier is a male so they can do their act. They drop their towels, and say they have no money. They ask the man if he could let them off 'just this once'. He says he's not allowed to do so. The women go around the counter and smile. One unzips his zipper and starts sucking his rock hard cock. He is nervous, and almost about to give in. The other woman takes his hands and puts them on her breasts. She then licks a nipple, and encourages him to join in. He will finally give in and your stars get free clothes.
For the man, it's even easier than that. Order a pizza, and when the pizza boy comes, jump him and take his clothes. Put ductape around his mouth and leave him in the closet. And you get free pizza. If your movie doesn't turn out and you become broke, you can always eat him.
For the other man, just give him your clothes that you're currently wearing. You will shoot the whole film naked, and during scenes, you will quickly fuck the women.
Now you have your cast, and they have clothes. Onto the next step, the setting.
Every porno ends up on a bed, so therefore you need a bedroom. You could use your bedroom, but it's full of porno and BE stories. So, you need to find a place to film it.
What you do is walk down a residential street and knock on people's doors. Ask them if you could shoot a porno in their house. You will get many slaps and punches in the face, but eventually you will find a house where someone will let you, generally a fat single man that will be so excited that there will be women in his house that he'll actually consider putting pants on.
Now you have to set up the house. You have to prepare cameras so that you can get some good views. Cameramen are the easiest to find. Put an ad in a high school for teenagers to get to film a 'real live porno movie'. Say that all they need is a good camera, and they can film it for free! It's amazing how dumb kids are.
You must now move a couch near the door, for fooling around once the porn stars enter the house. You also have to clean up the room, so that it looks like a real human lives there, not a pig.
There is always a scene outside in the park, in broad daylight, so you have to get some 'Police Line - Do Not Cross' tape, and run it around the park, so you can film without pedestrians walking by.
Now you have three different settings for fucking, sucking and more. Just don't forget to leave a can of whipped cream by the bed.
Every porn has to have a plot. It doesn't have to be thick, and it doesn't really have to make sense.
A good plot will be simple and direct. You start out with the pizza boy coming to the door, and the woman inviting him in. You can just tell where this is going. Soon they're both naked fucking on the couch.
Next, you can have the other woman sleeping in her bed. In her dream, she is walking in the park, when she meets a man.....and guess what? They fuck.
Finally you have your lesbian scene. One woman showers, then comes out to find the other woman. They look at each other sensually. They take off their clothes and make good use of the whipped cream.
And voila! You now have your plot.
Now everything's ready. You're ready to shoot you're movie. You're so excited that you are going to piss in your pants....until you realize you don't have any pants on. Instead you get one of your porn stars to suck your dick. It's the easiest way to relieve tension. You quickly lick her gigantic breasts, then get the show on the road.
You get the camera men ready with the camera. You have the blonde woman on the couch in her extra tight clothes. You cue the sexy music. The pizza guy is ready.
Action! The pizza boy knocks on the door. The woman gets up off the couch and answers it. The pizza boy gives her the pizza box. She then complains she's all alone and has no one to eat the pizza with (real sappy). She invites him in. She puts the pizza on a nearby table, and walks towards him. She unbuttons her blouse, which looked like it was about to pop, and demands he sucks her nipple. One camera moves in for the tit sucking shot. The woman moans as loud as possible so the mic can pick her voice up.
You have a giant boner, and you are about to gizz, so you quietly ask the woman who's not in this scene to 'help you with something'. She comes to you and bends over in front of you. You tell her to be quiet, and you fuck her up the ass, but still watch the filming of your masterpiece. Right now, both man and woman are completely naked, and she is sucking his dick.
You know this is going perfect, because if it didn't, I wouldn't write all this shit. The scene is almost done, now the man is titty fucking the woman and her enormous hooters. You are now sucking the other woman's nipple, with your fingers in her pussy, yet still watching the filming of the scene.
The scene is finally done and you congratulate the actors (congratulating the blonde by a long kiss and a rubbing of her breasts). You take a quick break, then move to the park.
Your area is already roped off with police tape, so you are ready. You get the cameras set up, and of course your stars ready. They will walk in together, like they've been on a date. Suddenly, on a grassy spot, yadda yadda yadda, the scene will be over.
If it suddenly becomes cloudy before you shoot, you'll just have to wait a bit. Use this time to piss, as you will be occupied during the shoot.
When you're ready, have the woman who's not in this scene under you, so that you can start to fuck her once the scene gets going. If she ever neglects, just tell her you could change her back to the way she was. She'll then suck your dick right away.
When the scene is almost over, and you see numerous wet spots in your filmmakers pants, get up and pretend you were watching the whole time so that your actors will have more confidence.
Now that this scene is finished, it's time for the scene that you've been waiting for. The lesbian scene. The bad part is you don't get to fuck one of the women during the filming. But hey, there's always your hand.
The scene will start with the blonde showering by herself, and masturbating. You will need to put a hole in the shower for the camera. Just take a hammer and shatter the glass door. That hole should be big enough.
After her shower, she will put on a bathrobe, and walk to her bed, where she will find the other woman. She takes off the other woman's top, and starts licking her tits. They soon become completely naked and one's in spread eagle position. The other takes the whipped cream and pours it all around her pussy.
Here is where you might need a bucket to gizz into. This is the shit you've been waiting all these years for.
Once the scene is done, and your bucket is almost full, you can tell the girls that there's drinks for them, and point to the bucket. They drink up, and then you realize there is still some whipped cream on one of their breasts. Lick it off for her and then tell everyone that they're done and they can watch it on a T.V.
You will be tired after all that filming, so ask one of the women to lie down. Lie on top of her using her breasts as pillows. And my, what pillows!
Now all you have to do is sell your video.
This can be done many ways. The easiest and most profitable is to have the women standing in bikinis on the street persuading men to buy the videos (not recommended in the winter).
A very illegal, but efficient way is to put a commercial on cable TV. Generally commercials cost a lot to put on TV, and generally don't have nudity. So, you will have to break into the main McDonalds building, and exchange one of the tapes with their commercials, with your commercial. And best of all, McDonalds will get in shit for it, not you!
You can promote it other ways, like take some hostages, and instead of ransom, make people buy your video so you will let the hostage go. Just, make sure you have a good lawyer if you choose this one.
There you have it, the 6 crucial steps to making a good porno with next to no money. Just make sure that if you use these steps, that if anything goes wrong, you blame it on
Mr. Haywood Jablomi 69 Bighooters Avenue Boobsville, TITS Uranus
Thank you and have the best of luck with your porn.