****** Sex Guide -- Farming Tutorial by de J ******
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Farming Tutorial


Preface


During the Summer of 1996 the Farming Tutorial was first posted to the Daily
Dump in ten installments called parts. It was intended as a hilariously funny
essay about a most absurd but harmless prank; namely collecting turds. It was
broken into parts because at the time bianca would gag when fed large
documents, and to add to the humor by sometimes ending a part with a small
cliffhanger. While it is now all one large document, most of its original
structure has been retained.

Farming is the practice of recovering shit from a public toilet that has been
disabled in some way that prevents the significant turds from being flushed. As
you will learn; it requires time, patients, technique, and a strong stomach.

Part 1

In order to be a successful farmer, the first problem to solve is "where".
Where do people usually shit when they are away from home? Obviously, in most
cases in a public restroom. There being plenty of public restrooms, the
question becomes "which". Here are a few considerations: traffic, it should be
fairly busy, but not so busy that there is a queue; custodian, the presence of
custodians or security personnel does not facilitate this practice;
"customers", are the people who use the facility an agreeable ethnic mix?;
gays, is the restroom frequently filled with gays so that people who REALLY
GOTTA GO have to go elsewhere?; cleanliness, people will avoid a dirty restroom
if at all possible; toilet design, the facility Coprologist described so
picturesquely (some while back) would be quite difficult to farm; and lastly
[for now] porta-potties, don't even think about them [unless you want to get
sick]. You should be able to go about your farming business in a most
inconspicuous manner.

Part 2

As an addendum to "which" restroom to farm, it seems most successful when there
are at least two, but preferably at least three stalls. A "stall" is the
cubicle or booth [hopefully] with a door that encloses one toilet. You will
probably occupy one of the stalls and since many people don't like to shit
right next to someone else, there should be a vacant one in the middle. If all
stalls fill up and there's someone waiting, by all means vacate the one you're
in and wash your hands for an hour if necessary till someone gets off the
throne and vacates the stall. It will need your IMMEDIATE attention.

Now that you have discovered the perfect place, the question becomes "when". In
my many years of farming I have tried and succeeded at all hours of the day and
night. Experience has shown that in the morning between nine and eleven there
are quite a few contributors , but the quality of the shit is unexceptional.
Perhaps these people have already dumped at home and these are the aftershocks.
I have harvested the highest quality shit from the largest number of
contributors in the afternoon between thirteen hundred and sixteen thirty.
Usually, the best day of the week is Saturday. If you are farming at a mall
[shopping center] the first Saturday after the mid-month or end of the month
payday seem best. It should be unnecessary to point out that the best day of
the year [in the USA] is the Friday after Thanksgiving! Wow!

Part 3

Now that we know where and when, the question becomes "how". Two factors are
involved: the type of institution where the restroom is located, and the toilet
design. The type of institution is an important consideration because the thing
you use for short term storage and portability of your harvest must be
appropriate for the place you are farming. Just as one would not usually carry
a briefcase to a beach bathhouse, a shopping bag in a store where all bags must
be checked or inspected would be equally inconvenient. There are actually times
when nothing is appropriate! For these special cases you improvise the best you
can. One way that comes to mind is loose fitting pants and a large shirt with
the tails out. Yeh, just like the kids dress so they can shoplift! Be sure to
ware large briefs rather than boxers.

Since you just can't stick a fresh turd in your briefs or shopping bag, without
both making a mess and calling attention to yourself by the odor; I suggest
wrapping and bagging. Most turds can be gently wrapped [of course after any
necessary reassembly] by rolling them up in a paper towel. I highly recommend
Viva brand! That done, drop it into a gallon sized zip-lock baggie and seal.
Many turds will fit in the same baggie. Then put the baggie into the briefcase,
beachbag, gymbag, purse, camera case, shopping bag, your briefs, toolbox, or
whatever you happen to be using.

Part 4

Toilet design is an important consideration in selecting the best method for
disabling. Suffice it to say there are many bad ways to disable a toilet, but
only a couple good ways to do the job; and even these are not perfect. The bad
ways include the risk of: overflow [too much water in, not enough out],
suspicion and attention [why won't this damn thing flush, is the water turned
off?], or simply being too difficult or time consuming to clean out and reset
the trapping mechanism [you mean I've got to put my hand in where?]. Unless a
real emergency arises [like you overhear a policeman talking about all the
toilets being stopped up], do not abandon your trapping mechanism; even the
maintenance men who will have to fix the problem aren't stupid and will
eventually see a pattern.

What, pray tell, do we have to use? Use a plastic cup [or a pane of glass for
the new low water consumption toilet, but more on this next time]. The cup must
be sized properly for the toilet or you'll lose it along with your catch. Never
use Styrofoam! Use [extra] shatterproof clear plastic cups of 10 to 16 oz
capacity. The size needed depends on the toilet design. Use a sharp knife to
cut a few small holes in the bottom of the cup; these allow water flow, but not
turd flow. On the larger cups, consider slitting the side to allow for a
variably sized opening of the cup and to facilitate its placement. When the
toilet water is clean, jam the cup bottom first into the toilet's outlet hole,
around the bend, out of sight, and wedged in place.

Part 5

The recent introduction of low water consumption toilets posed a particular
problem. These use a jet of high pressure water in the bottom of the toilet
bowl to rapidly start and complete the siphon and disposal cycle. The jet is so
intense [around 60 p.s.i.], that many turds are liquefied in short order. Worse
yet, the pressure might even dislodge the strategically placed cup. Now the
object becomes protecting the turd from the high pressure jet as well as
preventing it from being flushed.

Did you know that a piece of glass is virtually invisible in water? [Yes, on
close inspection you can see the edges or maybe some bubbles have collected on
the bottom side, but most people just don't look that closely.] A small pane of
glass properly inserted in the bottom of the toilet bowl will both protect big
turds from the water jet and prevent flushing of any but the smallest pieces
and mushy shit. Since I like the "big ones" this is just fine. Experience has
shown that the pane should be about 2 inches wide and between 6 and 8 inches
long depending on the toilet design. It must be installed lengthwise in such a
way that it fits all the way to the backside of the outlet hole [you cannot see
this part of the toilet, but rest assured it's there] and covers the water jet.

Part 6

A day of farming includes a decision about when and where. We've already talked
about that as well as how to do it. Planning is important, you will need your
bag, exactly 7 [for luck] sheets of Viva towels, one or two zip lock baggies,
and the appropriate trapping devices [cups or panes of glass]. You must disable
all the toilets in the restroom you plan to farm or Murphy's law will prevail.
Yes, the ones you don't disable are the ones where the hot dudes will go to
shit. And you can set your watch on that!

OK, you're there with your junk and the traps are in place, so what's next? You
wait like a hunter. Your prey will come, but you don't know when. There will be
MANY false alarms. There will be many disgusting dumps. Yes, you WILL have to
put your hand down into that mess to remove the trap and flush the toilet.
YUK!, but it goes with the territory [I'm unharmed after doing it a million
times]. Nevertheless it's essential that each toilet be promptly cleaned after
being used. Sadly, about 90% of the shit trapped is not worth harvesting. Learn
the kind of shit you like and be more concerned about the shit than who shat
it. Frequently, it will be a hot dude, but middle aged men and youngish boys
can produce a high quality product. Remember, looks are only skin deep, but
we're dealing with something here from REAL DEEP inside. Think about it.

Part 7

OK, your there and someone comes in and "shits down beside you". There are a
number of clues that you can use to predict the kind of deposit being made. A
quick visit and little or no wiping means they just took a piss. Yes, many men
do sit down to piss. You can expect the best contribution if the visit lasts
from three to five minutes; they don't use a whole roll of TP to wipe their
ass, and you don't hear any sounds during the dumping process with the
exception of pissing. OTOH, if you hear a lot of farting and splashing, or
heaven forbid, a sound like "main engine ignition of the space shuttle"; you
can bank on the fact that it ain't going to be pretty. Occasionally, however,
some splashing does occur with a quality product but not very often; this is
indicative of a "big one" breaking up as it emerges. The "big ones" slip out
quietly and are already partially in the water while still emerging from the
asshole; therefore no splash will be heard.

Wow! The deposit has been made, the donor departed, and you've rushed into the
stall and see the perfect turd! Yeh, that sounds neat, but more likely than not
even the real keepers are buried under a mass of TP, so you will have to do
some digging to make the discovery. Well, you did and you did. What next?

Part 8

There it is, the turd of your dreams, or more likely, at least acceptable
according to your standards. You fetch a sheet of Viva from your bag, then
begin the extraction process. Attempt to keep an intact turd intact, so proceed
with the extraction very carefully. As soon as it is removed, in whole or part,
give it the sniff test. As previously described, the taste of shit is closely
related to it's smell [and as you will learn its appearance]. If it fails your
test, you best flush it. If it passes your test, carefully reassemble [if
necessary], gently wrap in the Viva towel and store in the zip lock baggie in
your bag. Then, clean the toilet and reset the trap.

How long does this go on? As long as there is traffic and you want to continue.
If it's in the afternoon much past sixteen thirty and there's not much traffic,
you're probably wasting your time. After you call it a day, remove all your
traps and walk out of the place just like you owned it. Unless you were stupid
enough to get shit smeared all over yourself or your bag, nobody will have a
clue about what you're carrying; so don't get paranoid.

Well, it sounds like a plan. What could possibly go wrong? ... Just about
everything!

Parts 9 & 10

The "top ten" problems encountered while farming. I decided to conclude this
series at part "ten" in honor of the "perfect 10" I harvested yesterday [which
is now sometime last summer] that is now part of me.

10. You farmed all day and didn't get a damn thing. [Shit happens, just not
today].

9. The hottest dude you've ever seen was just leaving as you arrived and before
you had set any traps. [very frustrating].

8. The stud of your dreams leaves a very unremarkable deposit. [You better
flush it because it may indicate an illness or GI problem and may make you sick
[voice of experience here!]].

7. It's a beauty, but you didn't see who left it. [You keep it and, naturally,
assume it was a hot jock; this is actually not an assumption without merit! You
may find the uncertainty actually enhances the experience in a decadent sort of
way! It also demonstrates your real love for shit.].

6. Daddies who bring in their little PK boys and girls to pee or poop. [They
all seem to take forever and leave nothing to speak of].

5. Those idiots that repeatedly flush a disabled toilet till it overflows.
[Strangely, this applies mostly to older white men, most Hispanics [who never
shit anything of value anyway and take forever to do it!], and many Blacks. Why
do they do it? Go figure!].

4. Your trap fails at the least opportune time and can become lodged deep in
the bowels of the toilet, way out of reach. [Yes, I've even had a pane of glass
break from the water jet! And of course many cups have been lost].

3. Gays watching each other jack off, taking up stalls for hours on end while
people are waiting in line to take a dump.

2. After hearing maintenance or security personnel comment that the toilets are
fucked up, you get scared away and leave your traps and any catch in place.
[Sometimes you may get that "feeling" the "I gotta get out of here" one and
just make a run for it. Probably not a bad choice, but your traps will be found
and removed by maintenance. They'll catch on after about the second time you do
this].

1. You get caught and run off or arrested. [Say nothing, except to suggest they
are making a ridiculous allegation and you have to be somewhere in exactly ten
minutes. If arrested, this will be a misdemeanor criminal mischief charge that
will probably not be pressed].

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