****** Sex Guide -- BDSM FAQ ******
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BDSM FAQ


What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean?

The easy part first: B&D = "bondage & dominance" or "bondage & discipline." S&M
= "sadism & masochism." D&S = "dominance & submission."

Some people enjoy submitting to others placing themselves under the power of
the other people, in a sexual context. It can be a very hot thing for someone
to say to you, "I'm yours. Use my body for your pleasure." This is D&S; one
person is dominating, the other submitting. Slave/master, harem girl/sultan,
boy/daddy, student/schoolmistress. D&S is an erotic power game, where both
people are getting off -- one on the thrill of controlling, the other on the
thrill of being controlled. This is also where the terms "top" and "bottom"
come in; the top is, roughly, the dominant; the bottom is, roughly, the
submissive.

What do tops and bottoms do with each other? Well, one good possibility is they
have lots of hot sex. Another possibility is the top ties the bottom up in some
manner, which directly and physically puts the bottom at the top's mercy, and
then the top plays with the bottom, teasing, seducing, frustrating, and
hopefully finally satisfying. This is a bondage & dominance sort of game. Some
people enjoy playing with punishment -- "You've been bad and now I have to tie
you up and spank you!" That's bondage & discipline for you.

Then there's the sort of game described by S&M -- "sadism and masochism".
Whips, canes, nipple clamps, all the wonderful things that are designed to
cause, in greater or lesser degree, pain. It can be a powerful thing to submit
to someone else who wants to hurt you; it's a fantastic gesture of trust. And
as will be discussed later, pain is not really pain anymore in an S&M game; it
becomes overwhelmingly intense stimulation, which when administered by a
skilled top can bring a bottom to entirely new heights of ecstasy.

Sometimes the D&S aspect becomes secondary to the sensual trip; you don't have
to enjoy obeying another's commands to enjoy being tied up and whipped! And of
course, pain (whether light or heavy) is only one sort of sensation; there are
many others, and all of them can be lots of fun to play with.

This sort of trip, merging pain and pleasure to create an amazingly powerful
experience for the bottom, is sometimes known as SM: Sex Magick. The precise
definitions of B&D, S&M, whatever, don't matter so much as do the experiences
they point towards. All these areas, as you can see, overlap and intermingle in
many many ways, but for me they all meet in the single concept of Sex Magick:
taking a fantasy and turning it into reality, creating a magical space in which
your desire can come to thrilling life!

Oh, and the reason I refer to SM behavior as "play" here is because, well, it
ain't work! Play means nothing other than activities done for recreation and
for pleasure, and hence "play" is a fine word for many BDSM behaviors. Many of
my friends use "play" similarly.

Just so it is totally clear at the outset, NONE OF THIS MATERIAL ADVOCATES ANY
KIND OF NONCONSENSUAL BEHAVIOR. What I am describing here is a variety of ways
for lovers to enjoy one another, if and only if they both want to, and both
give their consent. Anyone who claims that this information is in some way
advocating nonconsensual, criminal acts is hereby charged with having failed to
read and understand what I am saying. When I use the term "SM", I refer
specifically to consensual behavior.


What is a "scene", and what is "negotiation"?

SM has definite connotations of theater. The fact that you are a submissive
while you're playing sexually does not mean you are a pushover in real life,
nor does your being a dominant while playing mean that you are an overbearing
egotist. These are roles that you can play; you are in some sense an actor.

Hence the concept of a "scene". A scene is a particular interaction between a
group of players, usually revolving around a bottom. It's not a formal concept,
just a handy way to describe the action. "That was the hottest whipping scene
I've ever seen!" "Our last scene really pushed me, Master; I've never felt like
that before." Usually a scene has a momentum of its own: you (a top) will begin
fucking/whipping/sucking/whatever your bottom, you'll both be fantastically
into it, one or both of you comes/peaks/starts getting tired, and you wind down
and rest for a while and talk about what worked and what didn't, about how the
scene was for you.

Novice SM players may profit from actually taking this loose description and
using it to structure your first scenes. If there's something you want to try,
first negotiate it with your partner; discuss what you want out of the scene
(bondage? orgasm?), what your limits are (no fucking, no tickling), and what
safeword you want to use (see the next question). Then get "into scene" -
- assume your roles (if any), put on the collar (or whatever), get into the
mood to play... and play! And after the scene is over, take time to discuss
what the scene felt like for each of you. Make sure to listen to your partner
and learn how they felt, and thank your partner for playing... after an intense
scene, it's really nice to cuddle and connect, rather than stopping abruptly
and going home. A scene has a beginning, middle, and end; all three parts are
very important. (And not necessarily disjoint; talking about how you feel and
what you want can continue right through the whole process!)

This "negotiation" concept in the SM community simply means open, honest
communication about what you do and don't want. Negotiation in this sense is
not a bargaining process, where one person is trying to get something at the
expense of someone else; it's a win-win technique where you're both talking
about what you've done and what excites and doesn't excite you, so you can feel
more comfortable and turned on together. It's completely legitimate to talk
both about your fantasies and your boundaries -- about what makes you wet, and
about what makes you cringe and tense up. Telling your partner about things
that you don't want them to do is valuable, as you deserve to have those limits
respected... and if you don't tell your partner those things, they may do them,
and neither of you will enjoy it. (If you do express your limits, and your
partner ignores them, that's nonconsensual, and you will want to think hard
about whether you can trust your partner. Negotiation can bring these issues
into clear focus, which can help.)

If you're just getting into SM, or just into a new relationship, negotiation is
a VERY valuable process. It can be as up front as "I'd really like to kiss you,
does that sound good?" or as nasty as "Tell me your deepest darkest fantasy or
I'm going to stop rubbing your cock!" Talking about what you want from your
sexual relationships can be difficult at first, but the more you do it the
easier it gets and the more you get out of it! And note that none of this is
necessarily specific to SM; negotiation is useful on all levels in all
relationships, whether they involve SM or not. Consent is much more than a
simple "yes" -- any relationship, and especially SM relationships, will do
better with lots of honest talk about what you both want, and why, and how
much, and what you don't want.

There are some who feel that negotiating -- talking -- "ruins the momentum".
The image they seem to have is of the lovers who need say no words; every
touch, every action, is perfect. That's great when it happens, but it doesn't
happen automatically. My personal experience is that talking up front makes me
feel much better about whoever it is I'm with, and much more confident that
they won't do something I'm not ready for... this in turn means I can throw
myself wholeheartedly into whatever we've negotiated. Plus, as you get to know
each other better, you'll know what you like and don't like... because you'll
have negotiated it! THEN the momentum REALLY gets rolling!

The other connotation of "scene" applies to the whole B/D/S/M population;
sometimes someone will ask another SM player "Is X in the scene?" or "I've seen
Y around the scene before." If you want to get into the scene in this sense,
look up one of the organizations I've mentioned at the end of this FAQ list -
- especially the NLA, which may well have a chapter in your area! Doing this
can be very worthwhile; you can make new friends, get lots of good ideas, and
find a community that shares your interests.


What is a "safeword"?

One of the thrills of SM is that it can stretch your limitations. If you enjoy
this sort of play, you can naturally find yourself trying more and more new
things, accepting greater and greater levels of sensation, doing and feeling
more than you've ever done or felt before.

But the process is slow and gradual, and people are not telepathic. It may be
that you are the bottom in a whipping scene, and your top is whipping you, and
suddenly it doesn't feel good anymore!! and you want them to STOP!!! That is
what a safeword is: a word that means "This isn't working! This scene is going
wrong somehow! Please stop!"

A safeword needs to be taken seriously. Sometimes you may be playing with a top
you don't know that well, and if they do something to you you don't want, it's
important that you have a way to let them know, IMMEDIATELY. Especially if
you're tied up or otherwise made helpless.

Everyone has their own favorite safeword. I personally use "Yellow!" to mean
"Something's too intense; I need you to lighten up, but I don't want to stop
the scene," and I use "Red!" to mean "I'm in trouble and I want everything to
stop NOW, no more games, scene over, let me outta here!" Some people just have
one flavor of safeword, and use "aardvark" or some other weird word they'd
never say in the context of a scene. At many parties, the universal safeword is
"Safeword!" It's up to you. All it is is a safety valve for when things get out
of control. If your top doesn't respect your safeword, it's a safe bet that
they won't respect other limits of yours, and you will need to decide whether
you want to play with someone who doesn't acknowledge your boundaries.

Using a safeword can be hard to do sometimes. It's important to realize that no
one is perfect, and if you as top do something that squicks your bottom (i.e.
pushes beyond your bottom's limits), it doesn't mean you're a bad lover or a
bad person. It only means that you ran into a limit you didn't know was there,
or you were tired or disconnected and not in tune with your bottom. It happens
to everyone from time to time. If you as top feel burned out and want to stop
the scene suddenly, or you get a powerful reaction you weren't expecting and
aren't sure how to continue, you can use a safeword too; safewords aren't just
for bottoms! If you as bottom feel like your top is pushing you, and you don't
want to play anymore, it's not fun, that's when you want to use a safeword -
- your top will be glad you used it to tell them where you were at.

A safeword is just a communication tool, nothing more, nothing less. If you're
playing intensely, it may feel hard to stop the scene, to come back from the
edge via a safeword... but if you need to, that's what they're for. Some tops
deliberately push their bottoms until their bottoms call safeword; this way,
the bottom gets the experience of using it. A safeword that's never used can
seem unusable, which isn't a good property for a safeword.

Sometimes a top will want to gag you, whether because you're being too noisy or
they want to increase your helplessness or you've been being impertinent or
whatever. You may still want a safeword to let the top know when a rope is too
tight or the nipple clamps are pinching or whatever. Some people put a
handkerchief in the bottom's hand; if they let go and the handkerchief falls,
they know there's something up. I personally use the old SOS signal: three loud
yells spaced evenly; "Unh! Unh! Unh!" No gag I've ever seen can stop all noise,
and that signal works even if my hands are in mittens or a strait-jacket and
unable to hold anything at all.

Before playing with someone, it's a good idea to negotiate, not only what
safeword you want to use, but how you'll handle it if you need to use the
safeword. When you're just getting into SM, it's almost inevitable that some
scenes will end prematurely or abruptly. If you acknowledge this possibility in
advance, and talk about what kinds of comforting or remedy you might like,
it'll make recovering from a mishap a lot easier and more pleasant. And because
a scene goes wrong is no reason to think that you or your partner is
fundamentally bad or untrustworthy -- mistakes will happen. (If your partner
doesn't want to hear your concerns about the mishap, though, or if they
belittle or deride your concerns, you may well be unable to avoid future
mishaps. If your relationship doesn't learn from painful experience, it may not
be ready to handle doing SM. Of course, this kind of processing is a vital part
of every healthy relationship, SM or not.)

Not every SM player uses safewords. Some people into SM don't find them useful
for the style of play they prefer; more straightforward communication suffices
for them. Some partners find their need for a safeword gradually diminishes as
they come to know each other better. Some people do SM in which the bottom
doesn't want to have a verbal escape route, for the duration of the scene.
(This "no-safeword" play is also sometimes called "edge play.") One thing that
you will learn about the BDSM scene is that styles vary wildly, and peoples'
experiences are astonishingly diverse. But for many people beginning their
explorations (and many who've explored enormously), safewords have proved very
helpful.


When is pain not pain?

Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any of the things SM
people do that look painful. What's enjoyable about being hit? Where's the fun
in getting bruised?

Well, think about this. Have you ever had intense sex and afterwards noticed
bite marks on your neck of which you had no memory? What happened was your love
partner bit you, HARD, hard enough that it bruised you, and all you felt was
another jolt of pleasure. If they bit you that hard when you weren't having
sex, you would scream "OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when you are
sexually aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation that you
usually feel as pain is now actually pleasurable.

This is common knowledge. Another usual explanation is that the brain produces
endorphins, natural opiates, to compensate for pain. You actually get high off
the sensation. The "runner's high" comes from pushing the body painfully for so
long that the endorphins kick in; the rush you get after eating chili peppers
comes from the same source; and that's what makes it enjoyable for SM players
to be whipped or spanked or whatever. It's not pain, it's pleasure! All
athletes that are "hooked on exercise" are essentially masochists who enjoy
stressing their bodies to get that chemical response. So your friend who enjoys
being spanked may actually be a lot less masochistic than your average marathon
runner!

For just this reason, one well-known local dominant uses pain as a reward, when
she's topping a masochist. Pain as a punishment can have the reverse effect,
when your bottom likes getting whipped!

Endorphins are by no means The Single Explanation for why masochists find
intense sensation to be desirable. Not every masochist floats away blissfully
while being whipped, nor would they all even want to. The ways to experience
intense sensation vary from dreamlike rush to stinging ouch to irritating
maddening burn to soothing warmth to tears-in-the-eyes throbbing... and
whatever the sensation, there is likely someone who enjoys it.

Also, pain is a continuum. There are many different kinds of sensation that you
can use in your lovemaking -- light scratches with fingernails, open-hand
spankings, pinches, squeezes... there are many many ways to touch someone, and
all of them can be enjoyable.

Different people enjoy different levels of sensation; "different strokes for
different folks." What may be a wonderfully sensual caress to one person may be
practically unnoticeable to another, and what may be a delightful flogging to
one person may be no fun AT ALL to someone else. Ongoing negotiation is the
secret to finding the happy medium.

Some people consider all this absurd. "How could you WANT pain?" The best
answer I can give is that some people simply seem to be calibrated differently.
They want more sensation; they find the intensity thrilling and exciting,
whereas someone else might find it overpowering and agonizing. People like
different amounts of spice in their food; why not in their sexual encounters?
Each person experiences sensation differently, and if you want more, there are
safe ways for you to get it. Getting what you want, safely, can make your life
much happier.

What are some basics of safe SM, emotionally and physically?

SM is often play, and as such is fun! But SM can also get intense and powerful.
Here are some useful tips for people just getting started.

First of all, communicate. Let your partner know what you want and don't want.
Keep the dialogue going; watch your partner, be aware of what she or he is
feeling and thinking, and respect his or her limits. Establish a safeword, and
make it very clear that it will be taken EXTREMELY seriously if used. DON'T
assume that your partner shares a fantasy of yours unless you've EXPLICITLY
discussed it with them; just because someone likes being blindfolded doesn't
mean they'll enjoy being tied up. And most important, give full permission to
both people playing to stop at any time for any reason; respect each other
enough to commit to call a halt and work things out if something goes wrong.

Be sensitive. SM play, which can (doesn't have to! but can) involve
helplessness, intense sensation, and psychological domination, is strong stuff;
it can reach deeply into someone's soul and bring up childhood traumas or
hidden fears, without warning. Be aware that you are swimming in deep waters,
and be respectful, loving, and careful. Don't let this reality scare you away
from SM, though, if you want to experiment; let it make you more aware and open
to what both of you are feeling. Most of all, decide for yourself whether SM
(or elements of SM) has a place in your sex life; don't listen when someone
else tells you "SM will be OK for you" or "SM will not be OK for you". Only you
can make that decision.

Be honest. If you do not want to do something, don't let your partner pressure
you into it. When you begin exploring SM, you may often find yourself with a
partner who wants something more than you have experience giving, or who's
right now in the mood for something that you're not in the mood for. In my
experience, it's generally better to say, "Whoa, I think we're wanting
different things. Let's talk." Doing a scene when you don't really want to can
result in anything from a lukewarm scene to something you just wish was over.
There is plenty of time... honesty, and not pushing, will lay a foundation of
trust that will stand you in good stead later.

One especially charged kind of D/S play is dominance and submission, in which
the bottom gives up some of their freedom of choice to the top, who can command
them. Though many people with strong boundaries can play like this perfectly
safely (and indeed derive enormous happiness and satisfaction from doing it),
this kind of play can carry some real emotional risks for people with low self-
esteem. The risk is that the dominant will wind up abusing their power, using
the D/S dynamic to make the submissive feel ever more worthless and powerless,
and hence willing to let the dominant take over more of their independence.

If you have issues around your personal sense of self-worth, and if you feel
that being submissive (albeit perhaps an enticing idea) might serve to confirm
and consolidate your negative self-image, you would do well to think hard about
whether D/S play is for you at this stage of your life. The answer may well be
"no." (And conversely, if you are considering topping someone who wants to
submit because they deserve no better, you might consider whether you want a
partner who thinks so little of themselves.) In general, it's imperative for
everyone who does SM to look hard at their motivations and their boundaries,
and to be clear on whether the SM (whatever form it may take) is self-
actualizing or self-destructive.

It may not be all black-and-white, either; there may be some particular
activities or roles or words that will make you feel unsafe, scared, or
worthless, and you may well want to avoid those activities/roles/words. That is
exactly what negotiation is for; you have the right to do what feels good to
you and avoid what does not, and you have the right to insist your partner
respect your boundaries. (This goes for any relationship, of course, BDSM or
no.)

BDSM may at times be therapeutic, but it is in no sense a substitute for
therapy. It's been said that "you can't take power from the powerless." A
healthy D/S relationship is grounded in mutual respect, and in the knowledge
that both partners are choosing this life in a fully informed, non-coerced
manner; the submissive is proud to submit, and the dominant is proud to receive
the gift of their submission. It is a very different thing from an abusive
relationship in which one partner controls the other partner's entire world,
with the goal of making that partner irrevocably and helplessly dependent.

Back to the physical plane: If you are the top, and you are tying your bottom
up, keep your attention on what you're doing. Your bottom is going to be
blissing out; it's up to you to see that they're comfortable and kept amused.
The "amusement" can be as nasty as you please, but see that they don't get
bored; that's seldom fun.) Indeed, if you as top really are displeased with
your submissive for breaking an agreement the two of you had made, ignoring
them or sending them away may be the harshest punishment you can administer.
But that's pretty advanced.)

Remember AIDS. Almost everything beyond closed-lips kissing and bare-skin
contact is potentially unsafe, unless some kind of latex barrier is used. No
unprotected contact between any combination of fingers, genitals, mouth, and
anus; use a latex dam (or saran wrap) for cunnilingus or rimming (i.e. oral-
anal contact), gloves for manual penetration, condoms on dildos and dicks. Use
water-based lubricants such as ForPlay, Astroglide, Wet, KY Jelly; if the lube
has nonoxynol-9 in it (which kills HIV) all the better (but some are allergic
to nono-9). OILS AND OIL-BASED LUBES DISSOLVE LATEX; keep the mineral or
massage oil away from your gloves and condoms (and latex clothing for that
matter!).

Blood, semen, female secretions, urine... all can carry HIV. Play hard, but
play safe. (One interesting thing about SM is that it expands the range of safe
ways for people to pleasure each other! But it also expands the range of unsafe
ways to play....) There are more safety tips, but if you want the in-depth
skinny check some of the books at the end.

Many tops come up with an SM safety kit, containing (among other things) such
items as a flashlight, duplicate keys for all locks, bandage scissors (with one
flat blade) for speedy bondage removal, a first aid kit with all the standard
first aid items, disinfectant (such as Bactine or Hibiclens) for toys which
come in contact with bodily fluids, safer sex supplies (sometimes including
several varieties of lubricant -- different people like different sorts), and
so on. See SM 101 (a book listed in the Resources section) for an excellent
description of such a kit.

And there are some things that are commonly regarded as potentially too
dangerous to do unless you've been taught by someone who knows. Suspension is
one: there are lots of things that can go wrong, and many of them can result in
severe injury. Crucifixion is an especially hazardous form of suspension. And
body piercing is also not for the novice; it takes know-how and precision, and
a mistake can result in a really big mess.

Fortunately, most SM activities, such as bondage, spanking, and teasing, are
not nearly so severe; you can start out light and build up the intensity as far
as you both want to go. Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense
and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE! You will
learn quickly and you'll have fun all along the way, and soon you'll be places
you'd only dreamt about!


Is everyone either a top or a bottom?

One perception that some people can have, looking into the scene from outside,
is that people are either tops or bottoms. Either you like to dominate, or you
like to be dominated. And sometimes novices become confused, because they're
excited by both possibilities.

The facts are, everyone is different, and everyone has their own preferences. I
personally greatly enjoy topping my girlfriend, and also greatly enjoy
submitting to her. Some people are tops in every play situation, just as some
are bottoms in every play situation -- but I know people who top men but bottom
to women, people who sometimes switch roles multiple times within one date, and
every other spectrum of possibility!

Whole scenes can revolve around the "who's on top?" question. Maybe you can
have a wrestling match, and the person who gets pinned first will wind up being
tied up. Maybe you can set a timer, and when the timer dings, it's time to
switch positions! There are as many possibilities as your imagination can dream
of!

Then again, maybe only one side of the balance holds any appeal for you, and in
that case, you'll want to play with folks who have little desire for your
side... it takes all kinds, and all kinds are out there.

It is also the case that there is no necessary relation between whether someone
is dominant or submissive in everyday life and whether they are a top or a
bottom. Some of the most domineering executives secretly love being abased and
abused... it's a chance for them to lose control, to give up responsibility.
And some of the most quiet, meek, shy-looking people you've ever seen turn into
demonic geniuses of pain and pleasure when given someone to play with.

It's not at all unheard of for someone who's done only one thing (for example,
bottoming) to one day start feeling the urge to top, or vice versa. People
change, preferences change, it's nothing unusual. This, though, leads into the
next question....


How can I learn to be a good top?

When first getting into the scene, it can often be somewhat intimidating to try
playing with SM, especially if neither of you have done it before. Here's this
wonderful person, who wants you to dominate them. You tie them up, and they're
helpless, wriggling with anticipation and lust... and now what do you do?

Play with them! There are all kinds of common objects that produce intense and
enjoyable sensations when applied to a helpless lover. Combs for dragging
across the skin, feathers for tickling a frantic foot, clothespins (use a
couple or use many in artistic rows -- these can be as intense as you want to
make them!), ice cubes, chocolate syrup, strawberries (ever see 9 1/2 Weeks?),
leather belts for slapping or spanking, hairbrushes for scuffing or beating,
and of course your own fingers, mouth, genitals, and everything else. Enjoy
taking your time with your willing victim; drive them to distraction, then
bring them to the edge of ecstasy, then back off and make them beg for more!

Remember, you can set the mood as you wish. You can be playful, amused at your
own ineptitude even while your bottom is moaning with desire. You can be stern
and commanding, sympathetic but nasty, jolly yet sadistic -- anything you
please. As long as you focus your attention on your bottom, your bottom will
have a great time! Relax, go with the flow, and if you stop enjoying it, call
safeword -- tops can use safewords too.

Of course, there's no need to feel like you need to put all your attention into
pleasing your bottom; what's a good slave for if not for pleasing their master?
I've several times played with my girlfriend and used her for my own selfish
pleasure, giving little attention to hers -- and she loved it! But there is no
doubt that with pleasure it is as good to give as to receive. Just remember,
communicate, be sensitive to what your bottom is feeling, and you'll have no
problem.

The one thing that is quite important to remember as a top is that you are
responsible for your bottom. As you begin playing with SM, you may well be
placing your bottom in situations in which he or she is physically helpless
and/or emotionally vulnerable. It is important that you recognize they are
placing a great deal of trust in you, and in your ability to handle any
situations that may come up. If you're in the middle of a hot scene, and
suddenly someone unexpectedly bangs on the door, you may both be startled and
shocked -- but your bottom will be immediately looking to you for protection.
If something happens that you didn't expect, take care of your bottom first -
- reassure them that you're not going to let anything happen to them, and then
deal with the problem calmly and sensitively.

And don't be limited by preconceptions of what you "ought" to be doing, or
worries about how you're not topping "correctly". If you start to feel
pressured or insecure, take a step back, and ask yourself what you want out of
the scene. Sometimes, when I've been bottoming for my girlfriend, she hasn't
been in the mood to play with me sexually -- so she made me her slave and
commanded me to... bathe her and wash her! This was lots of relaxed fun for
both of us, and it let her unwind enough to keep playing the way she wanted to
play. Be honest, not only with your bottom, but with yourself. And if you are
in the middle of a scene, and suddenly your honesty says "I don't want to be
doing this" or "I don't know what my partner wants, or even what I want," then
by all means stop the scene -- gracefully if possible. Better that than for the
scene to drag on until both of you are sick of it.

If you still don't have any ideas, and if your bottom is really hot to trot,
you can always start playing with your bottom and getting them excited in
whatever way you know how, and demand that they tell you a fantasy of theirs,
or you'll stop. Talking dirty to each other -- trading hot fantasies, knowing
that you can make then happen if you want to -- is the best way I know of
getting ideas for scenes. This actually goes for ALL sexual play, whether it
involves SM or not!


How can I learn to be a good bottom?

It can also be hard to learn to bottom, if what you're used to is topping.
Giving up control, surrendering, can be a difficult thing, when you're used to
holding the reins in your hands. If you find yourself manipulating your top,
trying to coerce them into giving you what you want, then you're what is called
a "pushy bottom" -- a bottom who is not really submitting, but just trying to
turn the situation around to the way they want it to go.

Some tops get off on bottoms who are defiant or subtly disobedient, and use it
as an excuse to punish; but for other tops, especially inexperienced ones, it
can be anything but fun. Making your top feel like they don't know what they're
doing is no fun for either of you; I know, I've been there, as the pushy
bottom. The solution? The next time you play, tell yourself that you are the
top's property, that their will is yours, and that your deepest desire is to
please them. Before, if they did something you didn't like, you might have
suggested they try it another way; now, they are doing exactly what they want
to be doing, and you are grateful they're doing it. Let go of your urges to be
in control; surrender to them, and let them have their way with you. I
guarantee you will have a lot more fun than when you were trying to top from
the bottom -- I know I did!

If you are still not quite getting what you want, as a bottom, this solution
may not last very long; you will probably want to talk to your top about what
your needs and desires are, and about how you can both have fun getting to
them. But the time to negotiate about what your bottom fantasies are, and how
you might want to manifest them, is not necessarily while you're in the middle
of a scene which you've pre-negotiated. Don't get into the "Oh, yes, Mistress,
anything you want -- um, uh, Mistress, you're not quite doing it right!" trap.
(Can you tell I speak from experience here?)

Relax, and respond. Quite often a top will enjoy topping you because of your
reactions -- the way you wriggle, and squirm, and cry out. If you clench every
muscle and strive to endure without giving any sign that you're feeling
anything, your top may get frustrated with the lack of feedback. Let yourself
feel. And don't hold your breath! Or rather, don't forget to breathe. (If, of
course, you negotiated a "stoic endurance" scene, that's different. But don't
feel you have to act that way. I like it when my bottoms struggle -- they have
a safeword if they need it....)

Of course, nothing is cut-and-dried; just because you're on the bottom doesn't
mean you're a puppet. But there is a big difference between being open and
communicative, and trying to force things in your preferred direction. A good
bottom is one who is enthusiastic, devoted to their top's pleasure, willing to
surrender to their top's will, open about their own desires (in a respectful
manner, of course), and happy to be bottoming.

There's a piece of common wisdom that's been around the scene for a long time,
which is: the best tops are those who started at the bottom. I believe it's
true. If you have been there, felt the bite of the whip, struggled to get free
as you were brought slowly and teasingly to orgasm, tranced out as the
sensation from the clothespins washed over and through you... then you will be
much better able to guide someone else through that intensely magical space as
a top, because you will literally have been there. Plus, starting as a bottom
means you'll pick up a lot of hands-on (if you will) experience! (And as with
any generalized statement about SM, there are plenty of people whose mileage
varies; bottoms who've never topped and never want to, or tops who've never
gone under and are still damn good. But even such tops often experiment with
sensations on themselves before trying them with their bottoms.)


Why is bondage fun?

Lots of reasons. For many people, the knowledge that they are helpless, that
someone else can do things with their body and they can't prevent them, is a
powerful turn-on. "I'm going to make you come and there's nothing you can do
about it." It's a very strong statement of trust to let someone bind you
helplessly, or even non-helplessly. How erotic, to feel yourself spread open,
wanton and wet, and to see your lover kneeling between your legs, ready to use
you for their pleasure -- or to pleasure you unendurably....

For others, the simple sensation of bondage feels good. Tight constriction can
create very intense stimulation, and lots of tight bondage can be a sensory
trip, just as a whipping scene can be. Bondage can feel comforting, pleasantly
confining; you don't need to worry about anything, since what can you do?
You're all tied up, and all that's left is to enjoy.

For yet others, it's a charge to struggle, to let your body lose control. It
can really intensify an orgasm when you come with every muscle straining
against your bonds, trying to get your hands free to smash your lover's face
into your crotch, your body shaking. If you weren't tied down you'd hurt
yourself!

For me, it's all three of these reasons :-)

An especially intense form of bondage is verbal bondage: putting your bottom in
some position (spread-eagled, kneeling, whatever) and commanding them not to
move... and then tormenting them! One kinky variation on this is as follows:
have your bottom hold their hands out in front of them, fingers splayed, each
fingertip touching the opposite fingertip. Put a penny between each pair of
fingertips so they're holding five pennies. Now order them not to let a single
one drop, on pain of some punishment or other, and then go to work! This works
best on a hard floor so you can hear the coin drop.

There are a bunch of common-sense things to know about if you want to get into
bondage. Most of these are pretty obvious, but they're stated here because
that's what a FAQ's for! The basic idea, though, is to experiment. The first
few times you won't really know what you're doing, and that's fine! Take your
time trying different positions, different kinds of rope, whatever. And if
you've got a new idea that you want to try out before your big date... well,
why not try it on yourself? If you can get into a position comfortably, you can
probably make your bottom comfortable in that position!

Make sure your bottom's extremities don't start getting cold or turning blue;
those are both sure signs that blood isn't flowing the way it ought to, and
that isn't what you want to have happen. If your bottom's hands are bound
inside mittens or some other place that's not accessible to you, ask them to
wiggle their fingers or toes or whatever and see if they're losing any feeling.
It can be tricky to tie someone up without making it too tight; in general, a
good rule is to tie loosely with lots of turns of rope. You can tighten such a
tie with just another turn around all the rest, and it can be a real drag to
have a bottom's foot fall asleep in the middle of a scene; this kind of thing
can feel very annoying and distracting, and can make it hard for your bottom to
concentrate on what you are making them feel.

Silk scarves, bandannas, etc. also have this problem with tightening under
tension; sometimes they get so tight they have to be cut off. If you're a
novice, you may want to avoid these hassles by purchasing a pair of basic ankle
and wrist cuffs (in leather, velcro, or whatever) at an adult toy store; and if
you get embarrassed, remember the old standby excuse: "It's a gag wedding
gift!"

Handcuffs are sexy, but they can also be a pain. Shoddy cuffs (the kind you buy
at the sporting goods store) are liable to break while being worn -- then you
have to file them off. If you want to play with handcuffs, get a good quality
pair; the usual brand is Peerless, and they'll cost about $30, with a double
lock so you can snap them on and then lock them so they won't get tighter under
pressure (as cheap cuffs will). Handcuffs are also bare metal, and aren't good
to struggle against, as they can easily pinch nerves... padded, buckling
bondage cuffs are better for those sorts of games.

Do not leave a bound person alone. Though it is a hot fantasy to tie someone up
in some precarious position (possibly with vibrators or other devices buzzing
away) and leave them to stew, in reality you must consider: what if the house
is burgled? catches on fire? earthquake? any sort of emergency? Fun is fun, but
a helpless person is just that: helpless. A willing partner is too precious to
take risks with.

Be very careful about tying anything around the neck; anything that puts any
pressure AT ALL on the front of the neck can lead to unconsciousness quickly,
as the carotid arteries go right to the brain. Likewise be careful with gags or
things tied in the mouth; as well as restricting breathing, they can trigger a
gag reflex, which could be really nasty if the bottom can't get the gag out.
See another question on safewords for use while gagged.

Also, be aware that if someone is standing for any length of time in any sort
of tight bondage, it can lead to less circulation to their head; if you
suddenly do something intense to that person, it may trigger a headrush which
could easily result in a faint. Always use hooks which can be released
instantly even with the bottom's full weight on them (these are sometimes
called "panic snaps" and can be found in good hardware stores), and keep a pair
of bandage scissors handy in case ropes or straps need to be cut loose.

Be careful what you tie your bottom to; if an exposed water pipe is handy, be
aware it may heat up. Likewise with candles; be careful when you're waving
flame around someone who's bound, as they can't flinch the way unbound people
can.

If you don't have anything handy to tie someone to, you can always tie their
wrists behind their back and then to their waist. Or if your bed doesn't have
any posts, you can wrap ropes around the legs of the bed and spread-eagle your
bottom that way. In general, there are a million ways to tie someone up, and a
little practice -- on your bottom or on yourself! -- will let you improvise in
almost any situation.

Below I list a few sorts of common bondage devices mentioned here in stories
and postings.

Mummification or Cocooning: About the most complete form of bondage is to wrap
someone up so they are completely immobile. The most popular way to mummify
someone is with plastic wrap. A common technique is to wrap each limb
separately, then wrap the arms to the sides, and then wrap the legs together -
- and then help the bottom lie down on an adjacent soft surface. You can then
cut holes (carefully!) to access any especially sensitive areas, or wrap duct
tape over it all for extra security, or add gags, blindfolds, etc. One way the
body releases heat is by sweating, and while mummified you can't sweat too
much, so make sure your bottom doesn't overheat -- and have a blanket ready to
cover them with when you cut them out of their cocoon, using the bandage
scissors (obtainable from medical supply stores -- one flat blade makes cutting
easier) which you of course have ready to hand. And as always, monitor your
bottom very carefully; they are helpless, and your neglect or inattention could
spell disaster.

Hoods: Many leather stores and artisans make bondage hoods. These are typically
constricted of leather or rubber. Some have simple zippers, and you zip them up
to secure them. Others have laces on the back and/ or the sides, to enable the
hood to be laced more tightly, for greater bondage effect. Some hoods have
eyeholes, some don't. Some hoods have mouth holes, some don't. Some deluxe
hoods have built-in earmuffs or even space for earphones, for sensory
deprivation. Almost all hoods have nose holes, for obvious reasons. Hoods can
restrict a bottom's breathing quite seriously, and tops must remain continually
aware of their bottom's condition while their bottom is wearing a hood -
- especially if the hood is combined with any form of gag. Do not leave a
hooded bottom alone; breathing difficulty can come on quickly. Some people
believe that any hood without a zipper or other extra-quick-release mechanism
is too dangerous to use on a bottom. In any case, you should have some bandage
scissors at the ready if the hood needs to be removed in a big hurry.

Bodybags: If you like being bound, the ultimate extreme is bondage which
encompasses your entire body, leaving you with no motion whatever. Bondage
bodybags (or "sleepsacks") resemble a well-tailored, snug sleeping bag, often
made out of leather or spandex. Spandex bodybags are the least expensive, and
if made from heavy enough spandex can be very restrictive indeed. Often
bodybags have an opening at the upper end, through which you slide your feet,
pulling the bag up to your neck. Many have other openings for genitals or
nipples, so your bottom can be pleasured or tortured while immobile. Leather
bodybags can be arbitrarily complex (and expensive); some have built-in
internal arm sleeves to further minimize motion, or suspension straps so the
bag, bottom and all, can be lifted into the air. Some have laces around the
outside so the bag can be cinched to a downright painful tightness. If you
REALLY have money to burn, you can even get inflatable rubber bodybags -- get
in it and pump it up, and float away! Caveats about breathing and quick-release
apply here as well.

Hobble skirts: Fetish clothing is often designed not just to look good and feel
good, but to act almost as bondage in its own right. Hobble skirts are a
perfect example: they are simply skirts which fit very snugly from waist down
to ankles. Often the wearer can take steps of only a few inches while wearing
the skirt (thus the term "hobble skirt"). When combined with a pair of high
heels, these skirts can be almost totally immobilizing, even without any other
bondage. Leather and rubber are (again) the typical materials, though some
dedicated tailors make their own from velvet or satin or other sensuous
materials.

Armbinders: Restraints, typically leather, that bind both arms behind the back.
Some resemble large gloves that pull up over both arms and buckle around the
shoulders. Others are straps that go down the middle of the back and have
attached wrist cuffs. In general, there are lots of kinds of bondage gear, and
you can even invent your own....


Why is whipping fun?

One way of thinking about whipping is as another way of touching someone.
People who are just getting into SM frequently play with spanking; it's fun to
be spanked! It's a punishment, it's a strong stimulus, it hurts very
pleasurably. But if you've ever spanked anyone for a long time you know that
your spanking hand wears out quickly!

Well, that's what whips are for -- to allow you to hit someone for a longer
time, without tiring out. There are many varieties of whips (cat-o-nine tails,
heavy floggers, canes, light braided switches, suede pussy whips, and on and
on), all of which feel very different and which have their own individual
effect. A whip-loving top will often carry a veritable arsenal of different
floggers, but they are all extensions of the top's touch. Indeed, when I whip
or cane someone, I feel as though I am touching them -- as though the
instrument is an extension of my arm and my desire.

There are deeper reasons why the variety is so diverse. A whipping scene will
often start off very lightly, with the top using a small whip to sensitize the
bottom and get them into the rhythm of the scene, switching to heavier and
heavier whips as the bottom gets deeper and deeper, more and more receptive to
additional sensation. Of course, the top may choose to lead the bottom on any
kind of tactile journey the top desires -- switching from stinging light
switches to biting canes to soft fleeces. (Yes, it can feel GREAT when your top
stops hitting you and suddenly brushes a velvet cloth against your back! Or
maybe an ice cube....) It's all about physical sensation.

Quite often people in the scene describe whips as being "thuddy" or "stingy".
Thuddy whips land with a solid impact; they shove you, they feel like a cross
between a hug and a punch. Stingy whips land with a bite; they feel like a
cross between a scratch and a slap. Both kinds of sensation are enjoyable in
different ways, and a skilled top can alternate thud and sting (and then some!)
to create waves of sensation that wash their bottom into ecstasy.

Most people enjoy a slow buildup when being whipped. This can culminate in an
explosive climax of impacts, leaving both top and bottom drained and delighted.
Or it can wind down gently, ending casually. Or it can stop feeling good
suddenly, resulting in a safeword. Or it can turn into a galloping intense sex
scene! But the general "start slow, build up, end intensely" tempo is common to
many SM scenes: from gentle to stronger to WOW and then back to gentle, then a
little stronger, then WOW!!... and gentle again. It's the motion of the ocean,
as they say. It takes practice to know how to use this to blow your bottom's
mind, but the more you learn, the more skilled you will be, and believe me,
these skills -- teasing your partner and making them feel better and better and
BETTER -- are very useful in non-SM contexts as well!

Whips aren't the end of the story. Some people use paddles -- of leather or
wood, sometimes with holes cut in them to decrease air resistance and make for
a harder impact. Paddles produce a solid "smack!" which can feel like a super-
powerful spanking. Some players like canes, which can be thick or thin, stiff
or relatively flexible. Canes can produce some of the strongest impacts of all
-- the "whick!" of a quick-moving cane is distinctive. Not everyone can handle
the intensely focused pain canes can produce, but those who can tend to greatly
enjoy it. Wooden spoons and kitchen spatulas have been pressed into service as
instruments of flagellation. For a while, nerf bats were very popular in some
San Francisco parties I went to. (Bonk!) If none of this makes any sense to
you, well, if you have to ask, you might not understand.

Whipping or spanking is sometimes used as part of a "punishment" scene, in
which the pretext for the scene is that the bottom has been disobedient or
naughty in some way which requires chastisement. This can be fun to do as role-
playing, but it may not work in a more long-term D&S dynamic. Bottoms often
find it erotic to receive non-damaging sensation from their top -- and of
course any scene causing permanent damage is not safe nor sane. If your bottom
learns that the best way to get enjoyably beaten is to misbehave, you will have
a very bad bottom on your hands. It is often then best to separate "play"
punishments -- which are intended to be fun -- from "real" punishments
involving seriously broken agreements. Here is where reality and fantasy need
to be delicately separated, and here is where the real world differs from S&M
fiction.

When whipping someone, be careful. Heavy whipping is usually done on the back
or ass, simply because those are the parts of the body which can take it most
readily. Be careful of hitting the spine, which can break the skin where the
vertebrae come close to the surface. Stay away from the kidneys, as kidney
damage can occur if you hit them too hard. Stay away from the neck, for the
same reasons you avoided the spine.

Be aware that if you hit someone hard enough (which may be lighter than you'd
think) you will bruise them, and if you keep going you can break the skin,
which is decidedly unsafe sex; and leather or string whips are tough to clean.
For this reason, some dedicated masochists have their own toys which have come
in contact with their blood, and henceforth can be used only on them. Whippings
like this are very strenuous, but as with all SM, you can start out light and
get only as heavy as you want! Bruises will heal (even large ones), as will
light cuts or abrasions, but you should know how to avoid unintended damage
that won't be so accommodating.

One thing to watch for (a distant risk, but worth knowing): melanoma, a form of
skin cancer, can be worsened by skin trauma. If you see a mole on your bottom's
back that looks uneven, discolored, or different than it used to, avoid that
area, and have them see a dermatologist.


What is body piercing? What is "C&B" play, or "genitorture"?

Piercings aren't just done to ears. People on this list have their nipples,
navels, eyebrows, clitoris hoods, penises, labia, and other body parts pierced,
and bits of metal permanently in the piercings. These are the bare facts, but
this practice, it turns out, has a lot to do with SM.

Getting a piercing, first of all, is an incredibly intense rush, on a purely
physical level. It's a very powerful thing to willingly have someone push a
sharp piece of metal through your body. It can be a level of sensation beyond
any you've experienced in your life.

Once you have the piercing, it can completely change the way that part of the
body feels to you. One friend of mine said that his nipple piercings turned his
nipples from little places that felt OK to full-fledged erotic zones connected
right to his cock. He calls his nipple piercings the best thing he's ever done
for his body and his sex life, and he seems damn sincere! The same goes for all
the piercings in the genital area; they can really make sex more fun.

There is some medical evidence that nerves around the pierced location become
much more sensitive, so this isn't mere folklore. In case it wasn't clear, once
a piercing heals, it doesn't hurt at all; quite the opposite!

Some people get into play piercings, which are done temporarily with very thin
needles, which are removed at the end of the scene. This is basically another
kind of sensory trip, which some find very enjoyable. The needles don't hurt,
exactly, but you certainly do know they're in there, and they sure do get those
endorphins pumping!

You don't want to try permanent piercings unless you've been personally trained
by a professional; there is a lot of knowledge involved, and you definitely
don't want to get stuck with a bad piercing. Play piercings are less hardcore,
but you still want to make sure you know sterile technique (remember safe
sex!).

Does nipple piercing cause problems with nursing? Sometimes yes, sometimes no;
there are stories both ways. There are many milk ducts in an average nipple, so
the chances are good that nursing can still happen, but nothing is certain.

"C&B play" stands for cock & ball play. "Genitorture" stands for "genital
torture". This is a subject that makes some men clutch their nuts and run in
fear, and makes other men instantly erect and greedy for more. The male
genitals are at once the most vulnerable and most sensitive part of the male
body, so of course many tops enjoy playing with them.

Cockrings are rings that go around your cock, typically around the base of it,
behind the balls. The penis becomes erect when the blood vessels at its base
constrict (because of arousal), trapping blood in the cock and causing it to
swell. Cock rings have a similar effect, prolonging erection in most men that
use them. (They also constrict the urethra, which will make any orgasm more
painful, or even cause ejaculate to back up into the bladder. This is not
dangerous unless done repeatedly. Experiment to find out how much tightness is
too much.)

Most are made of leather, with adjustable snaps, so you can tighten or loosen
them to fit (as well as remove them easily). Some are made of rubber. Some are
even made of metal, but metal ones can be hazardous; if you put a too-small one
on your non-erect cock, your cock may become so erect that you can no longer
remove it -- and if it is too tight, it will prevent your cock from softening.
This may involve a trip to the emergency room and the use of bolt cutters. No
joke.

Some cock rings have multiple rings, for behind the balls, around the balls
themselves, and around the base of the shaft. Some people like using lots of
cock rings, to stretch the balls out away from the body.

Safety tips: The broadest guideline is to go slowly until you know how much you
can take. If the pain from a particular activity starts to spread into other
areas of the body, or if the pain lasts for a long time after the stimulation
ends, you have probably gone beyond your limits. You won't reach this point
generally if you take your time. As with any SM practice, if you find yourself
in pain later, or if you notice any abnormalities in your cock or balls when
flaccid or erect, see a doctor. Of course, avoid any practice that seriously
wrenches or twists the genitals; there are many ligaments and blood vessels in
there, damage to which may make it hard for you to get hard. But the cock and
balls can handle light whipping or slapping, provided it is done with care.

Of course, cock and ball bondage can be done with leather strips, ribbons,
velvet cords, etc. Be as ornamental as you please; tying up an erect cock can
create a luscious work of art, and teasing it can be even more artistic. Don't
expect C&B bondage to keep a cock hard indefinitely; cocks will usually get
soft if not stimulated, and bondage which will keep it hard may be dangerously
tight. In any event, be sure you can remove your bondage quickly, as always.

A great deal can also be done with female genitalia. Some women love having
clothespins on their pussy lips; some love light whipping on their outer labia,
or even their clitoris. Sometimes body piercings can be used for bondage; labia
piercings can hold a pussy open very delightfully, or clit hood piercings can
be tied up out of the way with thread, leaving the clit naked and exposed. Some
women like soft fur on their pussy; others like to be alternately soothed and
tormented until they can stand no more.

Again, go slowly. Do NOT blow into the vagina, whatever else you do. Don't
leave clamps on very long until you know how much your partner enjoys (and how
it will feel to her the next day when the scene is over). Too much of one kind
of sensation can become irritating quickly; change the stimulation, keep your
bottom aroused and surprised. There are all sorts of things that can be used on
female genitals; one article I have lists "bamboo skewers, candles, cheese
graters, clips, flyswatter, ice cubes, knives, latex squares, leather thongs,
massage bongers, rabbit fur, ropes, scalp scrubber, silk, spoons, towels,
weights, and whips" as items that can be useful in giving your bottom's
genitals a ride they won't forget. (And no, you don't do this until you cause
real damage, any more than you do with male genitals. Don't be scraping,
scabbing, or scarring -- these are the most sensitive parts of the body you're
playing with!)

Communication is paramount in female genital play; women's pussies vary as much
as any other part of women's bodies (or more), and responses will vary equally
dramatically. In general, the same sort of rhythm discussed in the whipping
section is useful in cunt play, though if anything the top needs to go even
more slowly, as the sensations will be more intense and focused than in almost
any other kind of sensation scene.

One final tidbit: apparently, for many women, a common pre-orgasmic response is
for the clit to retreat into its hood. If you are giving your partner some very
delicious sensation (possibly combined with some just-right pain) and her clit
disappears, DON'T STOP! (Unless you want to avoid her orgasm... don't push this
too far, unless your bottom's feet are tied down -- she may kick.) And know
your limits; if your bottom really wants an orgasm to end the scene, giving her
one may make her EXTREMELY grateful to you, and waiting too long may burn you
both out. This is good stuff to negotiate about beforehand in any scene -- how
would you like the scene to end? Breaking such an agreement will engender
mistrust, but honesty, as always, will help everyone get what they want.


What is cutting/play piercing/burning/branding/electrical play? What are
"bloodsports"?

First questions first. Cutting is the SM practice of using a scalpel or other
fine blade to make shallow cuts in the top layer of your partner's skin. Play
piercing is using very fine needles to pierce your partner temporarily,
removing the needles at scene's end. Burning is using high temperatures somehow
in an SM scene; note that the goal here is to play with heat, not to actually
burn your partner, since burns are not friendly injuries to heal. Branding is,
well, branding -- using small, shaped, highly heated pieces of metal to burn
small scars into a partner's skin. Electrical play is playing with electricity.
And finally, "bloodsports" is a generic name for any SM practice that involves
blood.

Obviously, all these SM practices are potentially very very dangerous, as any
of these things, done wrong, could result in permanent injury. Properly done,
none of these practices result in any damage that requires more than minor
first aid to clean up and cope with. Also, I cannot give enough information in
this FAQ to explain how to do these practices safely. You need to learn from an
experienced top, and you need to see it done in person, before you will really
know how to play this way with your partners. That said, onward we go with a
feeble attempt to cover some of the groundwork.

First, cutting and bloodsports. The ground rules: cleanliness and safety. Most
cutters I've seen use rubbing alcohol or Betadine to clean the skin area on
which they're going to cut. The top wears latex gloves to minimize contact with
their partner's blood -- remember, blood carries HIV, and cutting (bloodsports
in general, actually) involves blood. The usual instrument for cutting is a
surgical scalpel, which is sharp enough to make a smooth, clean cut; using
duller blades can leave a ragged cut which doesn't heal as well. Cuts are made
on areas of the body where the skin is not stretched tight; for example, the
shoulder blade, or the buttock, or the front of the thigh (though this can be
problematic). Cuts are NOT made anywhere that the skin becomes taut, since such
places won't heal well (the cut'll keep getting pulled open). Only one layer of
skin is cut -- the very topmost layer. Deeper cuts don't heal well. And
cuttings generally don't form loops, as the skin in the center of the loop can
be cut off from its blood supply. When the cutting is complete, the whole area
is generally bandaged.

Are you getting the extent of the possible screwups in a cutting scene? It's
definitely as edge-y as edge play gets! If you want to know more, see The
Lesbian S/M Safety Manual (in the resource list at the end of part 3). The best
safety advice: be taught by someone who knows how to do cuttings safely.

Play piercings are a milder (somewhat) form of bloodsports. Again, the bottom's
skin must be cleaned, and the top must wear latex gloves. The needles used are
sterile surgical needles available from medical supply stores or serious SM
shops. The top pinches up a bit of skin (right around the nipples is one
favored area), and slides the needle through. Each needle doesn't necessarily
hurt that much, but your nerves definitely know it's there, and the endorphins
start to flow very quickly. After a while, the needles are removed and put into
a disposable sharps container, and the bottom gets bandaids if any are needed -
- generally the holes are small enough that they clot immediately. Again, the
best way to learn this is from someone else who knows how, personally.

There are other forms of bloodsports. I've seen one scene in which a top (after
cleaning their bottom's skin and donning the requisite latex gloves) used a
syringe to draw some of their bottom's blood, then fed their bottom their own
blood. This scene was as hardcore as bloodsports gets, yet was (as far as I
could see) very safe from the standpoint of AIDS transmission. And I can only
assume that that top had had some medical training -- I will not even BEGIN to
talk about safety considerations for drawing blood, since I have no idea what
they are.

Now, on to burning -- actually, temperature play in general. Molten wax can be
mild or intense. The higher you hold the candle, the cooler the drops will be -
- to a certain extent. They'll definitely make your bottom yelp no matter what!
Don't use beeswax candles, though -- they melt at a much higher temperature. If
you like hot wax, you might like ice cubes, too....

Branding is an extreme form of temperature play. There are only a few people
nationwide who do a lot of branding; Fakir Musafar, in the San Francisco area,
is one. His magazine Body Play has some great articles about branding
techniques. Basically, short curved pieces of metal are heated with a
blowtorch, then pressed into the skin so as to make an ornamental burn. I
really don't know much more about the safety concerns or possible snafus, so
I'll mention no more here. Don't go off half-cocked and try ANY of these
practices without doing the legwork yourself to talk to experienced players.

Electrical play is using electricity of one form or another to generate
sensation. This is another advanced form of play which can be fatal (lethal,
deadly, murderous) if done improperly. Any electrical play that involves
current flowing through the body should ONLY BE DONE BELOW THE WAIST; any
current above the waist or through the heart can induce immediate cardiac
arrest.

There are two main kinds of electrical toys I've seen. One is a TENS unit
(Trans-Electric Nerve Stimulator, or something like that); these units
typically are battery-powered, with control of pulse intensity and pulse
frequency, and two leads that can be attached to electric cock rings, dildos,
or what have you. These can produce sensations ranging from a mild tingle to a
thrilling trembling buzz to a serious jolt. Remember, below the waist only! And
I wouldn't even use any such unit unless its sole power source was a 9V (or
weaker) battery; no way am I letting anything plugged into a wall socket send
power through my body!

The other sort of toy is known as a "violet wand"; these rather resemble hand-
held power tools with little glass bulbs sticking out of one end. When turned
on, the bulb glows violet and crackles; touching it will cause static sparks to
jump to your skin, with an associated "zap!" and a sharp shock. These do not
send current through the body, and are safe for use anywhere except the eyes or
major nerve clusters (i.e. the top of the spine) -- though prolonged use will
burn the skin.


What is it about breath control? Is it safe to make someone pass out?

Some people enjoy playing with cutting off their air during heavy scenes. This
can be as simple as squeezing someone's neck while you kiss them deeply, or as
complex as a full-head latex hood and gas mask over a straitjacket. As your air
is cut off, you can feel sensation more intensely; it is also a deeply intimate
thing to allow someone else to be in control of the very air you breathe. One
simple explanation is that the body's natural reaction as orgasm approaches is
shallow, rapid breathing -- just like in breath control.

Needless to say, there are many things that can go very wrong; if you pass out
and someone isn't there to cut you loose and make sure you're breathing, you
can die. Not for novices. One simple way to start is to try squeezing your
lover's neck gently as you make love to them. If it feels good, they will let
you know, most demonstratively. And you can stop instantly just by letting go.
In any form of breath control, it is critical that all equipment be fail-safe,
and that the bottom's breathing is only impaired by the top's direct action -
- not by anything (noose, gas mask, etc) that would continue to obstruct air if
the top (for example) fainted suddenly.

Many people die each year practicing "autoerotic asphyxiation" -- wherein
someone will masturbate while restricting their own breathing, and one night
they wait too long to take the bag off their head or release the pressure on
their neck, and they black out and die. Some think, "Well, just play with a
partner, then, if you want to black out." However, losing consciousness, even
for a moment, can trigger cardiac arrest. This is why making your bottom black
out is almost certainly a much riskier idea than you would think.

The same goes for anesthesia. Sometimes people think, "Hmm, it'd be hot if I
could drug my play partner -- like in the movies -- and she'd wake up all
bound!" Even if your play partner likes this idea, don't do it. There is no
safe way to force someone into unconsciousness; anesthesiologists spend their
lives learning how to do it, with the best equipment, and still mishaps occur.
Don't play with ether, or chloroform, or suffocation to unconsciousness...
unless you and your partner really want to take a substantial risk of death.
More experienced people than you have died.


What are "golden showers"? How about "scat"?

Another kind of play, also known as "water sports". Basically, some people
enjoy urinating on their lovers, or having their lovers piss on them. Pissing
is really a very intimate thing; your urine is a part of you, it's warm and
wet, it feels good to let it out, it comes from your genitals. Some get a
thrill of power from having someone bound beneath them who can do nothing but
take it as the shower lets loose; others get off on being made to pee, to wet
their pants, it's naughty and they need to be punished for it.

Safety-wise, urine is essentially sterile; it's not necessarily free of HIV, so
it's not safer sex to drink someone else's urine. Also, urine contains mostly
salts that your body is trying to eliminate, so drinking it again will strain
your kidneys. If you're drinking urine, make sure to drink lots of water as
well.

Some people are into scat play, which is playing with shit. I don't know any
who are, but they're out there. Scat is obviously even less safe than water
sports; in particular, hepatitis and intestinal parasites can be spread by oral
contact with even a tiny bit of feces. People who enjoy rimming (oral-anal
contact) should be aware of this, and clean themselves VERY thoroughly at the
least, although even thorough cleaning will not eliminate all risk. For more on
this, see the next question.


Is anal sex safe? Why do people do it?

Anal sex, practiced properly, is as safe as any other kind of sex. And people
do it because it feels good -- the anus can be an intensely erogenous zone. In
fact, far more straight people than gay people practice anal sex! The anus
contains more nerve endings than any other part of the male body, and more than
any part of the female body except the clitoris. It's no wonder that anal sex
is a part of many peoples' sex lives.

"Anal sex" can range from simply stroking your or your partner's anus with a
lubricated finger, to actually sliding some fingers inside your partner and
stroking them, to full anal intercourse. All these things are physically very
pleasurable, and if you simply wash your butt, there's nothing repulsive about
them. The anal taboo is very old, but there is no necessary medical reason for
it if you know what you're doing. If you're concerned about staying clean, by
all means make sure you've gone to the bathroom before playing, and wash your
ass -- outside and, if you wish, inside, with an enema. If you want to feel
clean in order to enjoy anal sex, it's not hard to be as clean as you want. (It
is also very important, though, to use safe sex techniques, which I describe a
bit further on.)

The main guidelines for anal sex are Communication, Relaxation, Lubrication.
You see, your anus consists of two rings of muscle, dubbed the external and
internal sphincters. Your external sphincter is under your voluntary control -
- you can relax it at will. But your internal sphincter is not under voluntary
control. If you are tense, your internal sphincter will be tight, and trying to
force anything into it will hurt, which will make you (and it) even more tense.
So the rule in anal sex is to go slowly; you can't force your way into enjoying
it.

Communication: talk about what you're going to do before you do it! Don't just
roll your partner over and surprise them; they won't be relaxed and it won't be
fun. Make sure you both are comfortable with the idea of anal play. Relaxation:
listen to your body. If your ass wants to be played with, you will know; if it
doesn't, don't rush anything. Lubrication: your anus doesn't lubricate, so you
need to use a WATER-SOLUBLE lubricant such as KY Jelly or Probe. Use LOTS of
it; it's clean! The more lube you use, the more comfortable you will be. And
finally, communication again: if you haven't played with your anus before, the
sensations will be intense and strange. You may feel like you are having a
bowel movement when your partner slides their fingers out of you; it takes some
experience to realize that this feeling is deceptive and that what you're
feeling won't result in a soiled bedsheet.

It's not enough to just clean your anus, though; your partner should also use a
latex barrier (a glove for fingering, a dental dam or a piece of (non-
microwaveable) Saran Wrap for licking, and a condom for fucking) when having
sex with you. This is true in general, but especially true for anal sex;
unprotected anal sex is the riskiest kind of sex with regard to transmitting
STDs of any sort. Also, using protection often increases the sensation of
safety and cleanliness, which helps many people relax and enjoy the experience
more. (Some say that anal play isn't as risky as all that. The facts are that
in some cities intestinal parasites, spread by unprotected anal sex, have been
considered a serious sexually transmitted public health problem, with thousands
of people infected. Decide for yourself how much risk you want to accept.) And
anything that has come in contact with the anus should be cleaned thoroughly
(or thrown away, in the case of latex barriers) before coming into contact with
the mouth or vagina.

I already mentioned that it's not a good idea to force anything. Let me be more
emphatic: if you feel pain in your ass while you're having anal sex, STOP. Too-
rough anal sex can stress and possibly tear the anal lining, which can lead to
very serious infections. Anal sex does NOT mix with force, and should NEVER be
used as a way to inflict pain. And if you find yourself bleeding from the
rectum, go see a doctor IMMEDIATELY. (Don't be embarrassed -- they've seen it
all before... just get yourself taken care of!)

That said, I need to clarify what I meant by STOP if you feel pain. That is
what you should do: stop moving. The pain may just be your sphincter muscle
complaining about stretching a bit, and when you stop pushing it will stop
hurting -- and possibly relax some more. If it doesn't stop hurting when you
stop moving, THEN you want to pull out (slowly) and take appropriate action. If
it does stop, wait a little, then begin again... your ass will let you know if
it wants to stop altogether. (So pay attention to it! Getting drunk is NOT a
good idea, as you don't want to block out any pain you may feel.)


What is "fisting"?

Everyone (well, almost everyone) knows what finger-fucking is. Whether in ass
or pussy, it's terrifically enjoyable to stroke someone inside. (Fingers up a
man's ass, if aimed properly, will tickle his prostate gland, which feels
AMAZINGLY good... just a little tip!) And people are generally comfortable with
the idea of finger-fucking with more than one finger. But not as many people
have been exposed to the idea of inserting a whole hand into the ass or
pussy... which is, in simplest terms, what fisting is. Yes, it's anatomically
possible, and yes, it's EXTREMELY pleasurable. (I haven't experienced it, save
vicariously.)

That said, it's now very important to explain what fisting is not. You do not
make a fist and ram it home. Fisting is one of the most intimate and complete
ways to touch another human being, and it is something that has to be worked up
to slowly and gently.

First of all, cut and file all your nails until every finger is as smooth as it
could possibly be. Your fingers will be in some very delicate places -- places
that may not have pain receptors. You want to make sure you minimize all chance
of causing damage.

Use latex gloves. AIDS is a matter of life and death.

You will probably want to clean your bottom's GI tract out. What else are
enemas for? Be gentle with enemas; warm water is best. Don't use detergent in
enemas. Some people enjoy putting alcohol (booze, not rubbing alcohol!) in
enemas; if you do, use a VERY VERY VERY DILUTED solution, since it will get
absorbed real fast, and the bottom won't be able to expel it if they get too
drunk. (I don't know a precise dosage, since this seems a bit too risky for
me.)

Use LOTS (and I mean LOTS) of lube. Push it in with your fingers. Make a huge
mess. Get it all over your hand, the back of your hand, between your fingers.
Keep applying it as you go. You can't have too much lube. Remember, oil-based
lubricants dissolve latex. Some people like KY jelly; others say it dries out
too quickly. In the UK, a substance called "Aqueous Cream" is the creme de la
creme. Others use "J-Lube," which is a powdered concentrate that when added to
water produces incredibly slippery goo; it's sold in veterinary supply houses!
(Some people still use Crisco with latex gloves, on the theory that the Crisco
is just the best lube, and the gloves don't break down that fast. This is
risky, but it's an option.)

Go slowly. Start with one finger and work up. DON'T RUSH. Be sensitive to your
bottom's feelings. You are trying to persuade part of their body to open for
you, to admit part of you deeply inside it. The energy will move back and
forth, and you'll ride it, coaxing and pushing, in and out, moving your bottom
into a trance. Keep communicating with your bottom; gags, or role-playing where
the bottom feels inferior or is told to stay quiet, are not conducive to the
kind of relaxation and open empathy you'll need.

If your bottom suddenly hits their limit, you'll know; their orifice will
clench tight shut suddenly. DON'T PULL OUT. Stay right where you are until the
contraction ends, THEN start pulling out. You can pull a muscle or two if you
try to back out in the middle of a reaction like that. If this happens, it's
OK; you'll know to go slower next time (if you both want to try again). But
assuming all is well....

When you reach five fingers, you're almost there. Now is when you want to be
most sensitive and most aware. Your bottom is going to be flying on pain and
pleasure; a sudden flinch and you'll find the asshole (or whatever) doesn't
want you anymore. Respect that, and pull out (slowly!). But if your bottom's
bottom wants it, then you'll slip your knuckles inside, folding your thumb
inside your fingers, and (so I've been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a
fist -- you DON'T need to clench your hand or anything else!

Now the real fun begins... explore, entice, pleasure your bottom, who will be
in heaven... and when it comes time to pull out, do so slowly and naturally!


What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other fetishes?

All these things -- erotic clothing or objects of whatever type -- are
"fetishes". A fetish is any object which has sexual connotations for you. If it
makes you feel sexy to wear it, or to see it on someone else, it's a fetish.
There's nothing wrong with having fetishes; in fact, it's a rare person who
doesn't have any! Some people are turned on by armpits; some by painted
toenails; some by good old lingerie. The techniques of negotiation and
communication that I've already talked about can also come in handy in
exploring your particular fetishes, whatever they are.

Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene. Leather skirts, leather
chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on and on. Likewise for latex. Much of
the appeal of these two substances, it seems to me, is in their tightness and
their shininess; clothes made out of them enhance your awareness of your
sensual self, and restraints made out of them can cling like a second skin. In
general, leather and latex are two really big categories of fetish -- and a
fetish is defined as something that turns some people on; if you have to ask,
you probably won't understand!

Leather clothes absorb fluids; don't get them wet. Plain water will damage the
leather; blood or other bodily fluids will also leave their scent in the
leather. You can use saddle soap and water to clean your leather, and neats-
foot oil to keep it supple and in good condition.

Latex doesn't absorb water-based fluids, but oils will damage it, and prolonged
exposure to sunlight will cause it to break down. When putting your latex on,
apply lots of talc to yourself and to the insides of your latex; this will make
it easy to slide it on. Don't pull the latex with your nails, or it'll rip;
likewise make sure you cut your toenails before putting on latex stockings.
After removing latex clothes, wash them with water to remove oils, then dry
them (and some say powder them) for storage.

There are also PVC clothes ("wetlook" clothes), which are usually black, shiny,
and stretchy. PVC is basically plastic-coated fabric, and is washable, as well
as relatively inexpensive.

Of course, good old lingerie can be very arousing indeed. It's often true that
a little clothing is even sexier than none at all. Erotic costumes and attire
can add a lot of spark to a scene; they can set the stage like nothing else.
The mind is the biggest erogenous zone, and role-playing and mock acting can be
very very hot. whether combined with any other elements of SM, or not.

As for corsets and high heels: they're both restrictive garments that enhance
the curves of the body, and that work really well as part of SM play -- they
can enhance the domineering tread of a mistress or hobble the steps of a slave.
They are some of the classic fetish items. High enough heels can make it
altogether impossible to walk, which can be very sexy! Corsets, properly
applied, can dramatically change the shape of your body, while intensifying
sensation through- out. And corsets and high heels, like any fetish, can be
combined with many many different kinds of scenes.

Other fetishes: dirty jockstraps, boxer shorts on women, formal clothes on men,
cowboy gear, uniforms (police/military/what-have-you), nurses' outfits, harem
girl attire... the list goes on and on. If it turns you on to wear it or to see
your partner wearing it, why not make it part of a scene? (A button I heard
about recently: "Are you into casual sex... or should I dress up?")

In general with fetishes, anything goes! If you find yourself becoming more
involved with a fetish than you want to be, then you can take steps to look at
your behavior and determine if you want to change it. But if you like it, and
your partner likes it (or likes that you like it), and if it's consensual all
around, then go for it!


What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing?

Another fetish many people have is smooth skin, with no body hair. Shaven skin
is silky soft, completely and utterly naked, and very vulnerable. Shaven legs,
armpits, or genitals can feel very different indeed than hairy ones... and
since the name of the game is sensation, naturally shaving and SM can go
together!

Since shaving is conventionally a female activity, it carries an added charge
when men are shaved. It can be at once humiliating and enormously arousing.
Many men enjoy shaving themselves in order to play with cross-dressing
(dressing as a woman); hence I mention these two topics together. Shaving
first.

How to shave? Use a sharp razor and a bowl of hot water; splash water over your
leg (or wherever) and lather with shaving cream. Then shave with the direction
of the hair (i.e. shave down the leg towards the ankle, or shave from the navel
towards the crotch); going against the direction of the hair can lead to
ingrown hairs when it starts to grow back. Shave with short strokes, dipping
the razor frequently in the bowl to remove the hair. If you shave only seldom,
you may go through a couple of razor blades doing your legs alone.

Some people who shave infrequently use an electric razor first to remove most
of the hair, then a hand razor for the remainder and on the sensitive areas.
(Electric razors tend to pull hair, and they are most annoying on genitals.)
Some people swear by waxing (using sticky wax to pull hair out) or by other
non-shaving methods of hair removal; to each their own. Shaving can be part of
a scene; I've seen many gay-male SM movies with big male tops forcibly shaving
their prisoners, and I've also seen dominatrixes washing then shaving their
bottom's asses. (It's hard to reach back there yourself, and being bound while
a razor GENTLY strokes your most sensitive region is... well... VERY intense!)
Then once they're shaven, you can go on to all sorts of other fun.

About crossdressing: many men enjoy dressing in female clothes, either because
the clothes feel good, look good, or are humiliating to wear. Whatever the
reason, there's no doubt that lots of people enjoy this sort of thing. Makeup
is often part of this sort of play, as well. Many women also enjoy dressing up
as men; switching gender roles can open up a vast range of possibilities. Some
people call this "genderfuck" -- i.e. fucking with one's perceptions of gender,
or fucking someone who's assuming a different gender, or both.

There is a spectrum of attitudes among those who play like this. Some just
enjoy wearing opposite-sex clothes because they feel nice. Some fantasize about
actually being a person of the opposite sex, and use those fantasies in their
scenes. Some people want to take it to the point of going out in public dressed
as, and acting like, the other gender so accurately that they pass -- i.e. are
mistaken for the gender that they're assuming. They may find doing this
enjoyable because of the fun in faking people out, and/or the thrill of
successfully transforming oneself into one's fantasy image.

Some people actually feel that their biological sex is fundamentally at odds
with the gender they feel themselves to be. They may feel like a man who
happened to be born with a woman's body, or vice versa. These people are known
as transsexuals, and may have operations to change their bodies and genitals to
more closely correspond to the gender they most identify with. Transsexuals are
still very widely stigmatized; it is not easy to live in this very gender-based
and sex-role-oriented society if you don't conform to the standard pattern, and
transsexuals definitely do not. And while many of the kinds of genderfuck I
mentioned are "play", transsexuals are not playing; their gender identity is a
vitally serious issue to them. (Though when they want to play, there are few
people who know more about it :-)

It's important to realize that these groups of people are distinct; just
because a man enjoys wearing panties underneath his business suit does not mean
he has any desire to get a sex change operation. As with all aspects of human
sexuality, gender and gender play encompasses a wide array of levels, and
honest communication is the only way to know what a particular person is into.

Gender play can be combined with all the other things in this list to create
some extraordinarily powerful sex magick. As always, listen to your desires,
decide how much you actually want to make real (and how quickly), communicate,
and play!


Is SM degrading or abusive? Were most SM people abused?

Often people approach SM with nothing but negative stereotypes in their mind.
The will-less slave dominated by the overbearing thoughtless master. The
pervert who enjoys being hit because he thinks he deserves no better. These
images, negatively charged with connotations of abuse, do not reflect the
reality of consensual SM.

First, were SM people abused as children? This is a common stereotype. Straw
polls of people seem to indicate no particular pattern of abuse, and there have
been very few, if any, scientific studies of the question. Some people see an
increased correlation, but there is little actual evidence.

This stereotype is usually just assumed to be true, as an expression of SM-
negativity -- "Oh, anyone who likes that must have been really damaged as a
kid." Similar claims were once widely made about homosexuals and homosexuality.
(As one data point, I personally wasn't abused as a child, for which I'm
grateful. And I'm very into various aspects of SM, for which I'm also
grateful.) In general, in fact, no one seems to have any idea of why some
people enjoy SM behaviors or fantasies, and others don't. Rather like no one
really knows what determines sexual orientation, or preferred body type, or
much of anything else where human sexuality is concerned. The notion of a
"normal" sexuality is widely overrated... the range of variations is
incredible.

Once you actually look at people who are involved in SM, and at what they do,
you realize that what is actually happening is a powerful expression of love,
which expands into sensual realms outside the ordinary. True SM is consensual,
strengthening, and sustaining; true degradation is not. Therein lies the
difference, and it is truly an all-important difference.

Full-time dominant/submissive relationships require lots of self-inquiry and
self-examination to see that both partners are benefiting and growing.
Sometimes the claim is made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for the
dominant to break down their submissive's will, and to accept abuse because the
submissive (according to the dominant, and perhaps also in the submissive's own
opinion) deserves no better. (This is essentially what a wife-battering husband
does: he takes control of his wife's self-perception, and convinces her that
the abuse is the necessary price to be paid for her to remain with him; it is
no more than her due. And moreover, she is not to complain.)

This kind of relationship is not a consensual BDSM relationship; the dominant
in a consensual relationship listens to and respects the limits of their
bottom, and does not seek to break down the bottom's personality, but rather to
build it up through the kind of relationship that both enjoy and desire. Such
relationships almost always contain an "escape clause," such that if the bottom
is truly feeling deprived or abused, the bottom can ask to set the roles aside
and talk with the top as equals. (In other words, a relationship safeword.)
Such concern for clear communication when things don't go well (as well as when
they do) is the hallmark of a healthy BDSM relationship. And every text I have
read about long-term BDSM relationships stresses the importance of emotional
safety issues. (As I mentioned previously, people who have issues around their
sense of self should be aware that SM is potentially risky in that area. Of
course, any relationship is potentially risky for such people....)

Doing SM as part of a mutual, consensual relationship can be enormously
affirming. SM can be a way to give yourself to your lover more deeply than you
ever thought you could, and can give outlet to fantasies you never imagined
could come true. This kind of active, dynamic self-expression can give a
tremendous boost to the self-esteem and the psychological well being of both
partners. Getting what you want out of your sex life may not be a cure-all, but
it can sure help a lot. I recommend the book Ties that Bind, listed at the end
of the FAQ, to people exploring these issues.

(Some call all this double-talk, denying that anyone could ever really benefit
from submitting to a lover whom they trust. All I can say to that is, my
personal experience is far otherwise, as is that of many of my friends, and
many professional therapists acknowledge that it's quite possible for a
submissive in a consensual relationship to be very psychologically healthy.
Decide for yourselves whether we are to be believed.)

Another root of the negative stereotypes is simple aversion to sexuality in
general. The concepts of "limits" and "negotiation" are inherently
revolutionary, in a world where many people can't bring themselves to talk
about anything related to sex. Yet without understanding these concepts, it's
hard to understand SM. Everyone who first looks at SM needs to do some amount
of pushing past their prejudices; for some it's harder than for others.

Some people wonder how women into SM can consider themselves feminists. Isn't
feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not submitting to anyone else,
ever? Personally, I believe that feminism is about empowering women to make
their own choices, to live life their own way, without being limited by ideas
about what women "should" do or how they "ought" to behave. And in that light,
it makes little difference whether the limiting ideas are those of the
patriarchal CEO or the "radical feminist" criticizing SM in Ms. magazine; both
the CEO and the writer are attacking women's right to do as they choose.


Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural, immoral, unethical, or
unhealthy?

If what I've been saying in this FAQ is accurate, then why haven't more people
heard this? Why are the prevailing images of SM so negative?

There is no doubt that they are negative. Not long ago I was informed that
there are some members of the Winnipeg (Canada) police department who believe
that soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm is "a textbook on how to torture women for
sexual pleasure. It's obscene." In England in 1991, a group of gay men who had
gathered for an SM play party in which they were using whips for pleasure were
arrested and charged with battery, EVEN THOUGH they had all agreed to be doing
exactly what they were doing, and WANTED to be doing it. Consensual SM is
illegal in England. How can this be?

The crucial distinction here is between consent and non-consent. The difference
between whipping someone in a scene and assaulting them on the street is the
difference between sex and rape. If everyone involved agrees to what is
happening, it is not a crime. If they do not, then it is. This distinction is
not in principle difficult to understand, and being involved in SM makes it
very clear. SM practitioners are more familiar with consent issues than most,
and as such are less likely to commit crimes of the sort that people confuse
with SM. And NONE of the material in this FAQ advocates ANY kind of
nonconsensual, criminal behavior.

Unfortunately, there are many who would be arbiters of what others may and may
not legally consent to do. I believe that consenting adults should be free to
do as they wish in the privacy of their homes. There are many who don't believe
this is acceptable. It serves them to confuse the issue by claiming "SM people
are sadistic rapists" when in fact we are nothing of the sort. Criminalizing
consensual sexual activities (sodomy, SM, even prostitution) is an old
tradition, but in my view, an unjustifiable one.

This problem is exacerbated by the body of "scholarly research" on SM and
related practices. Almost all the books written about SM and other alternative
practices in this century have been written by psychologists and therapists
(i.e. people outside the scene), and almost all have portrayed SM as a
dangerous practice, indulged in only by "unhealthy" individuals. The reason?
Healthy individuals weren't the subjects being studied; rather, the subjects
were all seeking psychological treatment from the authors of the books! The
"studies" completely ignored the many many well-adjusted, happy people who were
also into SM. It's easy to conclude SM is harmful when your only experience is
with psychologically maladjusted SM people, and when you aren't interested in
presenting a balanced view (as few authors are -- psychologists can be as
sexually judgmental as anyone).

More recent events in the psychiatric community have shown a change in opinion
about SM. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Conditions is a
document produced by the American Psychiatric Association. The DSM-III,
published in the late '80s, classified "sexual sadism" and "sexual masochism"
as disorders for which treatment was recommended. The APA, in the DSM-IV,
reclassified SM as not necessarily a disorder, unless the practice of the SM
produces clinically significant ongoing emotional trauma, or leads to death,
serious injury, or disability. The DSM-IV is recognition by the therapeutic
community that SM can be practiced in a psychologically healthy way.

As for "natural": people have practiced SM behaviors throughout history. Many
are the saints who scourged themselves in the name of the Lord. Using intense
sensation to reach altered states of mind is a practice as old as humanity
itself -- and hence can be considered in no way "unnatural".

Our society (as do most societies) tends to ostracize the different. If you
don't fit the mold, you're weird and dangerous. People into SM don't fit the
mold. This is why there is such pressure to remain anonymous in the scene;
people have lost their jobs, partners, children, and liberty by having their
sexual preferences revealed to their community. This stems from the same
source: lack of understanding of what we do and why, and lack of respect for
what is different.

Of course, there are plenty of people who just aren't into SM. (Most people, in
fact.) There's nothing at all wrong with not being into SM, or with not wanting
to be exposed to people who do various forms of SM; many people have emotional
issues with some kinds of SM activities and may be repulsed or disturbed by
witnessing them. These people should clearly avoid SM. I would hope, however,
that even these people would manage to learn about consensuality as it relates
to SM, and learn how SM, practiced carefully, is not abuse.

Some people feel that any power exchange between people is unhealthy. The
argument is that giving power to someone else is tantamount to giving away your
essential right to self-determination, which must be considered an unqualified
evil. Moreover, there is no doubt that many social evils -- wars, abusive
relationships, et al. -- derive from one group of people seeking power over
another; therefore, the argument proceeds, it is always wrong thusly to seek
power.

In reality, there are many situations in life in which someone chooses to give
some of their power over to another, because they trust that other to use that
power wisely. Examples include entering the Army (which regulates your life for
the duration of your service); getting married (which is often a commitment to
abandon some of your personal autonomy); taking a job (which restricts your
choices of how to spend your time); and, of course, entering a BDSM scene
(during which your top has authority over what goes on). All these power
exchanges are mutually agreed upon, and are mutually beneficial; when they stop
being beneficial, the exchange itself should stop.

People whose moral codes state that all power exchange -- consensual or
otherwise -- is wrong should clearly not be involved in BDSM. Certainly such
people have a consistent ethical system that defines BDSM as immoral. Short of
such an ethical system, however, it is hard to see how a BDSM relationship is
any more intrinsically immoral than a stint in the Army, or a traditional
'death-do-you-part' marriage. As for me, I believe that in a free society,
morality requires permitting each citizen to make his or her own choices of how
to live, and how to express themselves, including sexually. Sexual rights are
human rights. If we lose our freedom to love as we choose, we lose a vital part
of what it is to be human.

These issues are very controversial, even now. In the 1992 Oregon state ballot,
voters narrowly overturned a measure named OR 9, which contained the following
paragraph:

"State, regional, and local government and their departments, agencies, and
other entities, including specifically the State Department of Higher Education
and the public schools, shall assist in setting a standard for Oregon's youth
that recognizes homosexuality, pedophilia, sadism, and masochism as abnormal,
wrong, unnatural, and perverse and that these behaviors are to be discouraged
and avoided."

Homosexuality, sadism, and masochism are neither wrong nor unnatural. All three
are consensual ways of living and loving that many people enjoy. They are not
for everyone, but nor should everyone be told that they are for no one. Note
also how this measure seeks to confuse the issue by grouping homosexuality,
sadism, and masochism together with pedophilia, a practice which is in most
places legally nonconsensual. (It is not my intent to enter here into the
debate over whether children are ever capable of fully consenting to sexual
acts. Suffice it to say that whether they can or not has no bearing on the fact
that adults can consent to SM play.) Legislating what consenting adults may and
many not do in private is neither healthy nor democratic.

(In recent years there has been a spate of articles about how SM is entering
the mainstream. Madonna's book Sex, her movie Body of Evidence, and the movie
Exit to Eden are examples of this trend. Hopefully this will lead to more
people feeling free to express their love as they choose -- so long as it's
consensual!)

The most extreme forms of SM come closest to the line between consent and non-
consent. Most SM people have established safewords which they will use if need
be, though if they've known their partners for long, that's rather seldom. Some
people, though, do play without safewords -- whether because they know their
partners well enough to stay within their partners' limits and read their
partners' responses, or because they enjoy the rush of playing without an
escape clause. This latter sort of play is sometimes known as "consensual non-
consensuality," and involves scenes in which the bottom literally cannot escape
from whatever the top wishes to do. This is very advanced SM; it requires
exponentially more negotiation and introspection, and even then is hazardous.
Not many people do this, or want to, but some people do, and find it
exhilarating and uplifting.


Isn't the bottom always in control?

One of the paradoxes of SM revolves around consensuality. Everything in SM is
consensual; although the top is in control, it was the bottom's choice to allow
the top to be in control. And since most of the time the top is trying to keep
the bottom happy, and since the bottom knows that, isn't the bottom really in
control?

Yes, if your definition of "in control" is "can stop the scene". The bottom can
always opt out, if it's consensual SM. But the top can go a long way towards
putting the bottom under the top's spell, making the bottom submit to really
strenuous bondages or beatings, using the bottom as the top pleases. One friend
of mine, for instance, takes great pleasure out of hog-tying his girlfriend
with her breasts bound and her hands behind her back and her ankles tied to her
ponytail, then putting her on the edge of the bed and sticking his cock in her
mouth. She has no choice but to suck it until he comes. Which of them is "in
control"? Both of them would say that he is, and both of them are getting off
on that fact, so the paradox in practice doesn't matter too much.

Furthermore, negotiation can involve give-and-take; the bottom can agree to
endure some pain to please the top, and the top can then (say) tie the bottom
tightly and tease to the point of orgasm. A particular activity in SM can be
enjoyable for its own sake, or because it's a favorite sensation of yours, or
because it turns your partner on so much to do it to you or with you, or
because you want to endure it out of pure stubborn pride. The paradox of
control can take many forms.

As mentioned previously, some especially intense players may negotiate scenes
during which the bottom cannot opt out. This sort of play is definitely in the
minority, but it is nonetheless possible to consent to giving up your ability
to withdraw consent. These scenes are sharply bounded by mutual agreement
between both partners, and must be accompanied by much discussion, before and
after the scene. And if the bottom later feels like the scene went bad, the
negotiation should be redoubled before the next scene, if any.


My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into SM?

Sometimes people who are attracted by some aspects of SM worry that they will
immediately go from enjoying spanking and light bondage to fisting and golden
showers. Nothing could be further from the truth.

SM is a blanket term for a huge variety of alternative ways to make love. This
FAQ list has outlined some of the possibilities. No one I know enjoys
everything on this list; everyone has their own preferences and levels of
tolerance. Some like bondage but dislike pain; some like latex but dislike
leather; some enjoy piercing but not whipping; some like tickling and nothing
else!

This means that negotiation is always important in SM; you never know what
someone's tastes will be until you ask. It also means that whatever your level,
however hard the play that you enjoy, there are people out there who share your
tastes. Be a dabbler or be a lifestyler, or be anywhere in between! And don't
worry; the operative word with all of these practices is pleasure. If you don't
like it, you won't enjoy it, and you won't do it!

Some people have fantasies about heavier SM trips than they would enjoy in real
life. To those people, I say this: fantasies are not reality. It is well
documented that many women have rape fantasies from time to time; this does not
mean that those women want to be raped. SM can involve playing on the edge
between fantasy and reality, using that fantasy energy to create something
fantastically strong and passionate in the real world; but this does not mean
that fantasies are anything but imagination, or that fantasies will become real
without your choosing to make them so.

If you feel that doing SM might make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, or make
it harder for you to maintain your sense of self-worth and pride, those are
excellent reasons to avoid doing SM -- or at the very least to only do those
sorts of play that don't tear you down but instead build you up. SM is an
intense form of relating, and not everyone is ready for that; if you don't
think you are, don't do it that intensely -- and if you're not sure, go slowly.
What's the rush? Do what you honestly want to do, and what you feel ready for.

Some people getting into the scene almost have a mental checklist of stuff they
want to try. They spend a year or two burning through the checklist, having a
great time, always desperate for the next experience. Then they get to the end
of the list, and suddenly they don't know what's next. This can be a very empty
feeling. SM is not an end in itself, but a means to connect with others; it is
ultimately about relating, and about developing yourself.

If you are worried about getting "too into SM", it means that you are sensitive
to your spiritual and sexual development, which in itself means you have less
to worry about. Trust your instincts. SM is nothing but opening up the powerful
energy within us all, and being willing to experience that energy with and
through others; it is intimate and loving. Even a hard scene, involving
ruthless domination and serious pain, is an act of love, and a very deep one at
that; it takes a lot of trust and a strong connection between the people
involved to create such a scene. The more aware of Sex Magick you are, the
better a communicator and lover you will likely be -- and you don't have to be
a heavy player to understand Sex Magick.

People who think that all BDSM behaviors are unhealthy or destructive sometimes
come out with a claim like, "Just you wait, you may start off by enjoying being
spanked, but before long you'll be liking being bruised, dismembered, flayed,
and murdered!" This is, simply, ridiculous. While many people do find their
tolerance for pain increasing as they do BDSM, many others find no such effect,
or even have no interest in experimenting. It seems that for most people, their
internal "thermostat," the level of stimulus which makes them hot, is pretty
much constant. And certainly I know of no one practicing consensual SM who
perpetrates serious injury on their lovers. The SM scene is rife with
information about how to inflict intense sensation without causing permanent or
unintended damage of any kind. Recognize these kinds of alarmist claims about
BDSM as the scaremongering that they are.

And finally, after all is said and done, you may still have some fantasies that
you recognize as too intense or too contrary to your nature to actually perform
in a real-life scene. This is quite common, as well; we all have desires which
we recognize are not safely fulfillable. Do not do anything that you feel you
should not or cannot do, even if the desire remains strong; or at least, if you
do choose to explore that desire, go very carefully and be prepared to back off
if you find your suspicions confirmed. If it hurts not to fulfill the desire,
that's part of what maturity is about -- rejecting desires that pull you into
things that are no good for you, while choosing that which will affirm you. And
in any case, the process of introspecting, of asking yourself what you want
(and what you will permit yourself) and why, can be vital to your growth and
your sense of yourself. Life is change, and every choice carries some risk...
decide for yourself what path you want to walk.

This story is part of White_Shadow's_Nasty_Stories.
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