****** Mother Still Takes Me to the Toilet by Kim ******
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Mother Still Takes Me to the Toilet


This is actually true

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I am sure my problems originate from my early childhood. When I was a toddler I
would never sit on a pot. My mother used to take me into the bathroom and hold
me over the toilet to urinate, then sometimes pull my trousers down and put a
small piece of floor covering on the floor then let me stand over it to do the
other function. When I had done she would then use the tissue on me.

She didn't seem to mind, she probably thought soon enough I would just use the
toilet instead. Occasionally she would ask me if I wanted to try and sit on the
toilet, I refused every time. I had a fixation in my mind that it was something
little girls did whereas boys looked sissies sitting on it. We carried on with
exactly the same method as I have described. It became clear to her that I did
have an emotional problem about using the toilet and she thought I would grow
out of it soon enough.

My mother just accepted this phobia without question, as she had agoraphobia
and thought this to be a hereditary disorder of some kind. She had tried to
fight her own phobia and had many consolations with a psychiatrist but
eventually gave up. She thought because I had a phobia and was not being
obstinate, she wouldn't lose her temper with me and thought it would be solved
somehow on its own.

This was a problem that went by for a long time without any consultation with
anyone professional. I think she blamed herself for passing on a psychological
disorder to me.

When I was 8 years old this was still going on, my father did lose his temper
many times and used to shout at me. He worked for a shipping company and use to
go to sea for a few days, then when he was home he would be out a lot. My
mother told him I was now using the toilet on my own, but she would attend to
me as she had previously done when he was not about.

I suppose this was the age where the bathroom visits did start to get
embarrassing for her and me. When I was standing over the floor covering she
would turn around and face away from me until I had finished. At this time I
think it would have been more embarrassing for me to go in there on my own with
other people knowing I was doing the little girl thing, the thought of sitting
on a toilet horrified me

I really did want to end the ordeal and just be normal but had got into a rut.
I had developed further emotional problems in that if I just changed and went
into a normal routine as other people do this would create too much attention.
In my mind it would be like a retreat and being congratulated for something I
should have been doing anyway.

At about 9 years old she took me to see a child psychologist. She didn't seem
to understand the condition, she just told my mother to refuse to do it. My
mother, feeling sorry for me, not believing it to be my fault, carried on doing
it anyway.

I was 10 years old and had never actually sit on a toilet properly. My
curiosity got the better of me, I was at a nearby railway station and went into
the platform toilets. I was at a place where nobody knew me and we were all
strangers to each other and nobody there knew of my fear.

I went into an available stall and was faced with a high level toilet with a
very large wooden seat. I sat on it and can remember it feeling very strange,
cold to the touch and a feeling of falling through it. I could see my
reflection in the tiled wall and felt very self-conscience at the sight of
myself on the toilet.

I never told my mother what I had done. The problem is once people are aware of
your fears it draws more attention to them and compounds them. In this case the
subject was too embarrassing to talk to anyone about. I just carried on with
the same method we had always used.

I was really worried and wanted to say to her, "this is it, I will now go to
the toilet by myself". I just kept putting it off from one day to another.

I suppose my mother started all this in the first place then didn't know how to
get out of it. I think she realised the hold her own phobia had on her and how
she was unable to fight it and related mine as similar. She told me regularly
that once I reached puberty I would have to go on my own, but I could never
face talking about it to her, I just kept waiting for another day, I suppose I
was hoping the problem would go away.

I did think about different ways to commit suicide. The only one I was brave
enough for was to hold my breath and hope to die, but it never worked. This did
affect my schoolwork badly as I could never concentrate. Much of the time I was
in a situation of needing to go to the toilet but held it. Out of a class of
over 30 I was always in the top three though. I think children and people with
high aptitudes are more susceptible to phobias because of their faster learning
abilities, they also learn fears quicker and grossly exaggerate them.

I knew all I had to do was tell my mother I was going to use the bathroom on my
own. I know this sounds very simple to normal non-phobic people but I couldn't
do it. I had been sucked into a deep hole that I felt I couldn't now fight. At
13 years old my mother was still taking me to the toilet, I didn't want her to
know I had to touch myself to do it or sit on the seat. I was totally depressed
beyond all belief.

In my early teens I developed really quickly, this should have shaken me out of
it but instead increased the anxiety and reduced my resistance to fight. I had
to simply change things but I couldn't. The obvious things that boys experience
at this age rarely happened as the depression seemed to suppress that happening
very much, if it did, with her facing away from me I would simply pull my
trousers up so she wouldn't notice and tell her I couldn't go.

I have just turned 14 and this is still happening, I am too embarrassed to go
into the bathroom and sit on the toilet with others surmising what I am doing.

I don't know what to do to change things.

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