****** Your Friendly Handyman by Henry G ******
===============================================================================

Your Friendly Handyman


A piece of fantasy loosely based on a conversation between a middle aged
working man and a University researcher. The text reflects the man's side of
the conversation. The style of writing seeks to reflect the London dialect.

Comments to henrycom1@hotmail.com


Hello, how are you? Pleased to meet you.

And you want to know about my sex life? A posh researcher from Liverpool
University studying the sexual habits of middle-aged working class men? Don't
you have anything better to study?

You want to know about my sex life? I'm not sure it's suitable for the ears of
a young girl like you.

Five hundred quid? Well if you're prepared to pay that's fine

Who am I? My name is Harry Lomas

Me? I'm just an ordinary bloke. Born and brought up in the East End of London,
a life long West Ham supporter. Salt of the earth. Never happier than when I'm
out on the piss and getting into a fight.

Like I said, I'm a London bloke through and through. I was born on the Isle of
Dogs and brought up in the East End. I'm 50 and single. Well I never fancied
the idea of marriage. You know, being bullied by some woman, being told not to
put yer feet to the table. Better to be single, be your own boss. There's
always plenty of skirt if you want to exercise your old man. Old man? Don't you
know what that is? You know, pecker, python, middle leg, chopper, dong, cock.
Ok now you understand. Don't they teach you young kids anything?

At school I was a typical kid, did as little work as possible, spent as much
time as I could looking up girls skirts and sneaking into the girls toilets.
Yeah, I was highly sexed. I was pretty big in the men's tackle area if you get
my drift so I guess it went with the territory. How big? You are a nosy girl. I
never measured it but probably about 13 inches fully up. How wide? Gawd knows,
maybe two or three inches. I'll show it to you later if you want and you can
measure it.

I left school at 14. I ain't stupid, I just wanted to get a job and earn some
cash. I did an apprenticeship in a local engineering company. I did the lot,
electrician, plumbing, a bit of woodwork. I left at 18 and joined the navy.
Very nice too. You know the song about all the nice girls liking a sailor well
I certainly had my share of skirt. I moved around a bit after leaving the navy
until I got my current job.

I work as a sort of caretaker cum handyman in a nurse's hostel in London. Its a
big place with rooms for about 60 nurses who work in the nearby hospital. My
job is to keep the place running smoothly, you know, keep the hot water
flowing, carry out repairs, unblock drains, act as lock-smith when any tenants
loose their room keys. You name it, I do it.

I have a small three room flat in the basement. One room serves as a bed
sitting room, one as a toilet and a small kitchen. There is also a small walk-
in cupboard where I store certain surveillance equipment of mine.

The job's OK, not too busy, lots of time to pursue my own little projects. What
projects? Now you can be a little patient, I'll you about it later.

I get on pretty well with my girls - I like to think of myself as looking after
them. I'm always helpful and I like think they rely on me to help them out of
scrapes.

Before I go on, are you sure you won't reveal what I tell you to my bosses? I
don't want to loose my job. OK, good.

Sure the job has its little rewards. I like to keep an eye on my girls and I
have lots of opportunity to look in on them, if you get my drift. You don't?
Well if I explain that I've always enjoyed a little secret peeping on peoples
comings and goings does that help? You still don't follow? Lets say I have a
voyeuristic streak in me, you do know what that means? You do, thank goodness
for that. You do know something.

To help my surveillance of my girls I bought a supply of small but very
efficient video cameras. I hid these inside the smoke detectors in each room as
well as in the toilets and shower rooms. These were all connected to a TV
monitor, computer and switch box in my office. My training as an electrician
served me well in this work. I've put some microswitches in the rooms to detect
doors opening and lights going on. using them my computer allows my system to
film in occupied rooms automatically.

I've got to know all my girls intimately from my cameras. You know, their
little habits, their favourite clothes and other interesting facts. Details?
Would you like it if other people knew what you did in the privacy of your
room? OK I'll show you some videos later, you'll get the idea.

I know which shifts the girls are on and it gives me lots of chances to look in
on their rooms and check everything is in order. I like to get to know the
girls better and I find a lot out from little things like their clothes. What?
You know, like what sorts of knickers they wear. You'd be surprised what I
find. I know one little girl, can't be more than 19 who is a student. Andrea is
her name. She's a quiet little thing, shy as they come, dresses plainly. Well I
was poking around in her laundry basket, as I do, and guess what I found. The
smallest G strings I had ever seen. Amazing. I reckoned she was a right little
goer underneath.

It's amazing the differences between the girls, not just their underwear but
more basic things like their smell. I like to compare my girls' dirty knickers
just to see how the look and smell. No it's not disgusting, it's honest
research. You do research you must understand what I'm saying. You can learn a
lot from dirty knickers.

There are other interesting smells. Have you ever noticed the difference in the
smell of used stockings and tights? You wouldn't think that such thin things
could absorb so much sweat - luvverly. Sometimes I take a pair from
particularly special girls, I'll show you my collection later.

I wanted to get to know the girls better but nice young girls aren't interested
in an old bloke like me. I had to make do with watching and my little visits to
their rooms.

I had bit of luck I last year which changed things.

I like a good game of cards and got into a poker game one night. There was two
blokes I knew and this ships captain from Italy. Well after a few hours my two
mates had gone home and it left me and this captain. I had this brilliant hand,
the pot was full and I knew he had no more cash. It was his turn to bet when he
put this little pot on the table. It was made out of bamboo and was about two
inches wide and long. It was sealed with a crude cork. "What's that?" I asked.
"This is a very valuable commodity," he answered. "Worth a lot of money." So
asked what it was.

He told me a load of bollocks about it being a aphrodisiac. He had got it when
his ship had called in a small Malayan port. He claimed that it came from a
small little know tribe what lived deep in the jungle. The women of the tribe
during their monthly period secrete certain sexual juices from glands around
their arseholes. The tribal medicine man collects this fluid and mixes it with
bees wax to make this ointment. The ointment is highly prised and difficult to
collect.

I opened the pot. Inside was a brown paste which smelled like stale piss. I
told him that it wasn't much good because it had no effect on me. He told me
that the surprising thing was that it only had an effect on women.

I wasn't convinced and told him he was full of it. I had such a good hand so I
let his bet stand. Of course I won.

When I got back to my small flat at the nurses hostel I put the pot on the
table and forgot about it, that is until I was visited by Mrs Blande the hostel
administrator.

Now Mrs Blande is the nearest to hell on legs I can imagine. Imagine a cross
between Margaret Thatcher and Genghis Khan. A dragon on two legs. Well she came
in to bollock me for not dealing with a leaking pipe quickly enough. She swept
into my rook, this thin old woman in a grey suit. She launched into me accusing
me as an idle old man who should have been sacked years ago.

After five minutes of screaming at me she noticed the little pot. She opened
it, dabbed her finger into the paste and smelled the large blob on it's end.
"What is that disgusting mess?" she demanded. I gave some excuse about it being
my old Auntie's cure for piles. She wiped her finger on her handkerchief in
disgust."

She put the pot back down and resumed her tirade. After a while she seemed to
slow down and her face began to get flushed. "Is it hot in here?" she asked.
She started rubbing her tits. Before you could say "shit" she started ripping
her kit off.

Soon she was nude. It was 'orrible. She was a scrawny woman in her late 50's
who looked like she had never had a decent meal. She had wrinkles everywhere
and her ribs stood out like a broken xylophone. Her cunt was buried in hair and
her tits hung down loosely. She was definitely not my type. In fact I don't
think she was anyone's type. She started madly rubbing her cunt groaning "It
itches, it itches," she moaned

Her eye fell on a baseball bat I keep by the door for protection purposes and
before I could move she had grabbed it and had started shoving it in and out of
her cunt. And I don't mean a little bit. She was poking a good 10 inches in and
out like a piston. Any other time it would have hurt like buggery but she
seemed like a woman possessed. As she shoved the bat in and out she made these
grunting noises like a constipated pig and started to foam at the mouth. She
must pounded away at her cunt for five minutes or so and I reckoned it must be
getting pretty sore. I could see that the fluids washing over the bat from her
cunt were becoming pink suggesting that she was starting to bleed. This was
getting serious and I was wondering what I could do to stop her when suddenly
she gave a shriek of ecstasy, or was it pain, and fainted. Thank gawd for that.

I quickly pulled out the bat. Her cunt looked swollen and hung open. It didn't
look damaged just severely worn. I dressed her and sat her in the armchair. As
she recovered it seemed that she had no recollection of what happened. "What
happened?" she asked. I told her that she had suddenly fainted. "I must go,"
she replied, and stood up. As she stood up she winced at the obvious pain from
her tortured cunt. She looked perplexed as to why she hurt there and limped out
of my flat.

I sat down and thought things through. The ointment certainly worked and it was
clear that only a very small amount was needed. The amnesia effect looked a
useful side effect. It looked like I had a natural version of the well know
date rape drug with certain advantages. Things looked promising.

You want to see the pot? OK here it is, but don't open it.

So what I needed was a plan. How was I to use my little helper?

I had several particular favourites among the girls and I wanted to test my
ointment. The trouble was I didn't know how it worked. Did the girl have to
smell it or was it necessary to rub it on her skin? I needed to carry out a
little test.

I chose Jane. Now believe me she is a little honey. A seventeen year old first
year student. She comes from up north and has this luvverly ginger hair. She's
real tiny, only five foot tall and thin in a shapely way. Nice little tits and
I loved to watch her walk up the corridors. You could see her nice little white
undies through her uniform.

I knew she was on early shift and finished at two in the afternoon. I waited by
the window near her room until I saw her coming into the building. I smeared a
little of the ointment on the handle of the door to her room and hid round the
corner. As she went into her room she picked up the ointment on her hand.

I waited five minutes and then knocked on her door. When she answered the door
I could see that she had taken her shoes and tights off. She invited me in. I
asked how she was settling in and if she needed any jobs doing. She said that
her feet were sore from all the walking she did on shift and asked me if I
would massage them. Well I'll do any jobs.

She sat down and I started to massage her feet gently. They were warm and
slightly moist and gave off this slight smell. As I rubbed she was almost
purring with pleasure, just like a big cat. Her face seemed a little flushed
and it looked like my ointment was working.

"I feel hot," she spoke huskily. "Kiss my feet!" Now I don't need much
encouragement and I sucked her big toe into my mouth. Now was that tasty. Much
better than used tights, a luvverly musky sweaty taste. I felt my old man come
to life in my pants. I set about sucking and licking her feet until every
little bit of dirt and sweat had been removed. My little girl was loving every
bit of it.

She stood and pulled off her uniform. She was wearing tiny white bra and
knickers. Her body was slim and her skin had this sort of translucent quality
with her blue veins showing below. She then took off her underwear. She looked
a lot better than on my camera. She had a thick bush of ginger hair over her
cunt and the most amazing tits. Smallish, firm with large erect nipples. She
sat back down with her legs spread. She ran her hand over her cunt. It came out
covered in her juices and she licked her hand clean.

"Please lick me," she begged. I leant forward Her cunt was tiny with slightly
protruding lips. I teased my tongue into her. She was no virgin but her cunt
was tight and wet. Her juices were dripping off her lips so much that I thought
she was pissing herself. A quick lick however proved that it wasn't piss. She
lifted her legs up. Her whole crotch right down to her tight brown arse-hole
was exposed. I knelt down and licked the full length of her dripping crack.
Luscious. Every taste you could imagine. I particularly like the bitter taste
of her arse. She was bucking around like a good-un and swearing at me to lick
harder.

I eased my finger into her cunt and soon found the little spongy area of her G-
spot. That was enough and she spasmed and came. As she did she lost control of
her bladder and this nice tasty jet of hot piss hit my mouth.

She was just about conscious and moaning gently as I stood up and whipped out
my old pecker. It was a real woody and dribbling well from the end. As I rubbed
my bell-end against her lips she opened her mouth and started to suck on it.
gently I eased in until her mouth was stretched wide. I began the old in and
out motion as she played my pink flute. Soon the warm sensations started and I
squirted my load into her willing mouth. She half swallowed leaving the rest to
dribble down her mouth.

I quickly left her room and returned to mine to observe her from my camera in
her room. I watched her slowly come round. She looked a little puzzled and then
she bathed and dressed. I nipped back to her room and tapped on her door to see
her reaction. She answered the door and smiled. "Hello Mr Lomas, do come in.
Would you like a cup of tea?"

She made tea and we sat down. "I just had a really strange dream," she said. "I
must have had a nap when I got in after my shift and I had this amazingly
realistic dream." "Tell me more," I prompted. "Well I shouldn't, it was very
rude. Let's just say I dreamt I had sex with a man." "Who was he?" I asked. "I
don't know, I don't remember, but I do remember that it was so realistic that I
thought I could taste cum in my mouth when I woke up. It was the best sex I
ever had."

Well, my little experiment as a complete success. Me and my little girl had a
good time with no come back. It was time to move on to my next victim.

There is a very nice ward sister on the third floor who had interested me for
some time. She's a West Indian who is really well built. OK, lets say fat. Tits
like mountains, a huge arse - a woman and a half. My surveillance system had
shown that she wore this huge white cotton pants. Her panty gussets were always
nice and damp with a strong cunty smell. She was definitely due some hard sex.

I used the same approach as before with a nice dab of ointment on the old door
handle. After a quick tap on her door I was in the tidy little room.

"Oh Mr Lomas, have this terrible itch," she moaned. "Can I help?" I asked
helpfully. With that she stripped down to just her panties. Holding out her
huge fleshy (and 100% natural) tits to show her erect nipples she spoke. "It's
my nipples, they need scratching."

Enough said. I took each tit in turn and chewed on her nipples. The harder I
chewed the more she moaned. She pulled away gasping and bent over the table.

"Fuck me," she gasped. I knelt looking at her huge arse encased in her tight
white panties. The gusset was wet with her juices. I eased her pants down and
buried my nose between her cheeks. Fucking hell, what a gorgeous smell. I stood
and with a quick thrust shoved my old man up her crack. Her cunt was so wet I
slid in right up to the hilt. She gave this sort of strangled gasp as my cock
bottomed out and my balls slapped against her arse.

As my cock went in and out her wet cunt squelched and farted. The harder I
shoved the noisier she was. Well it was only a matter of time that I filled her
with my own fluids. I tucked my old man away and crept out leaving her gasping
on the table. Another satisfied customer.

So there you have it. In the last six months I've worked my way through all the
nurses. And what a variety. Each has their own little foible and each turns
into a little tiger after one dab of my magic ointment.

And you know that little girl Andrea I mentioned earlier? Well her little
foible is anal sex. Without a word of a lie she took all my cock right up her
tight little rear. Yup every millimetre. She's so small I wouldn't have
believed it.

Are you sure you should be playing with that little pot? I think dipping your
finger in the ointment might have been a mistake....

No I don't think it's getting warm but your face is getting a little red....

By all means take off you clothes if you feel uncomfortable.

I must say I didn't expect to see a little girl like you wearing stockings and
those undies look very nice. Do you mind if I sniff your knickers? Hmmm, nice
and tangy.

You shave your cunt eh? Looks nice although I prefer a good damp hairy snatch.

Yes I did promise to show you my cock, it is a little stiff I'm afraid. OK here
it is.

I'm glad you think it tastes nice.

I'm not sure it will fit up your arse but if you insist...

I hope that doesn't hurt.

Hmmm.... Luvverly