Storiesonline.net ------- The Christmas Audit by colt45 Copyright© 2010 by colt45 ------- Description: Just a little Christmas story to brighten the holiday season. It's just for fun so I hope you enjoy. Merry Christmas! Codes: MF mag fant humor ------- "Here's your place," the elf muttered grumpily as he slammed open the door letting the cold air and light powdered snow drift into the tiny room. "Your assistant will be with you sooner or later. You know where the feed trough is I assume. If you need anything else call the main desk; maybe they'll find someone who gives a fuck." Without another word he turned around and stomped off into the blowing snow. David Hurwitz sighed and stooped down to enter under the short door frame. As usual he still banged his head but stifled the curse that came naturally to his lips. It wasn't that he thought it sacrilegious to swear in Christmas Town; if that were the case every elf indentured by SC would have been struck dead thousands of years ago. Foul creatures elves, he thought to himself; they have to be the nastiest things the Big Guy felt compelled to create. He must have been drunk that night, partying with Bacchus again more than likely and had a bit too much of the vino. What other possible reason could there be for creating a race of beings that had the hygiene of teenage boys and copulated like crazed weasels tripping on ecstasy? Shit, about the only thing they wouldn't screw is a ... Then he paused in his thoughts... No, I suppose they'd even fuck one of those if someone held its head. He sighed over the futility of thinking about elves and their personality disorders. Taking two steps over to the low, unfinished and poorly constructed table, elf sized of course which meant it was too short for a normal human and uncomfortable to use, he set his laptop down. Taking off his overcoat he shook it out and hung it on the peg next to the door. He wanted to get out of his traveling clothes and into something more comfortable but naturally his luggage hadn't arrived yet. "Probably lost it, again," he muttered. Sighing again he sat down in the chair next to the table, banging his knee of course, and flipped the laptop open. The unit hummed for a bit and then connected to the eternal-net. Typing in an address he was soon rewarded with the face of his supervisor, Ma'at, the Goddess of Truth and Balance who was consequently the head of the Eternal Auditing Corp. She had classic Egyptian features but had long ago given up the antiquated headdress and robes in favor of impeccably tailored Parisian dress suits. More than anything she reminded David of Suzanna Hoffs in The Bangles' music video Walk Like an Egyptian from his youth. Pretty yes but a bit demanding as a boss and a little older than he generally preferred his women, about five thousand years older. "Ma'at here," she said briskly. "Oh, it's you, Hurwitz. What do you want?" "I'm just reporting in," he said. "Just got here and I'm starting to set up. I won't be ready to start for a little while yet; my stuff hasn't all shown up yet." "Lost your luggage?" she snorted. "You know after a couple of thousand years that joke gets a bit old. What's this? Your third time? Forth?" "Sixth, actually," he corrected gently. "I'll call and complain and in a day or two they'll find it." "Elves," Ma'at muttered. "Worthless creatures. The only thing they're good for is making the lists and putting together shoddy toys and it must be by divine intervention they're able to do that." "They shit and fuck in the snow pretty well too," David added brightly. "There's a bullet for your resume," Ma'at chuckled. "Anything we can do for you on this end? Sorry you got stuck with Christmas Town again but you know how it is." "Low man on the totem pole," he shrugged. "It is what it is." "Good boy," she nodded. "At least you don't bitch about it like some of the others. I'll remember that when the next assignment comes up." "Anything special I should be looking for, Chief?" he asked. "I'm getting some bad vibes from the lists and how the Christmas Spirit is being doled out," she said after a slight pause. "Nothing specific just a feeling but when you've been at this as long as I have, you learn to go with your feelings. Don't worry too much about the financials for now. I already know that idiot Cringle has them so hosed up I'm not sure even the Big Guy could figure them out. I'm going to send a special team in there after the first of the year to give the accounts a proctologic look over. I'm not one to second guess but if it'd been me I'd have looked for someone with a little more managerial skill and a little less of the fat and jolly. "But that's not my call, nor our problem," she continued. "Dig into those lists and give them the once over. If you find anything, give me a call." "Will do, Chief; Hurwitz out," David sighed as he hit the disconnect button. There wasn't much else he could do until the rest of his gear finally appeared so he made the obligatory call to the Help Desk and as usual was accused of lying about his lost luggage and cursed soundly for bothering them but finally obtained their grudging pledge that a search for his missing bags would be started immediately. Eternally the optimist David hoped this time it was actually true although he privately thought the chances of that were about the same as finding a lawyer or politician in Heaven. Resigned to at least a day or two without his things, David opened his small carry-on bag and pulled out the thermal underwear he'd stuck in there for just such an occurrence; he could at least use them for pajamas. Hanging his suit in the tiny closet he shivered as he changed into the therms and crawled into bed. He was sure that for elves the bed was big enough to have a grand old orgy in but for him it was too short and of course didn't have enough blankets. Another thing he'd have to ask for in the morning. ------- The soft beeping from his travel alarm woke David up and he stuck his head out from under the covers into the frosty chill of his little room. Shivering, he dashed to the shower hoping beyond hope there would actually be hot water for once. It wasn't hot but he was willing to bet that any water free-flowing had to be warmer than his room. It wasn't just luck that he had a couple bars of hotel soap in his carry-on but experience and proper planning. He'd caught on after his second trip that the blank stares he'd received from the staff elves when he'd requested that particular item weren't from malicious and deliberate misunderstanding, not that he'd put it by the little buggers, but the fact was he'd asked for something completely beyond their ken. Soap wasn't just a four-letter word to elves; it was a four-letter foreign word. Muttering while trying to dry himself with the one, semi-clean towel, he'd call it a hand towel or maybe a washcloth, and chiding himself for stupidly for not taking his thermal underwear into the bathroom with him he walked out into the cold room looking for the aforementioned garments. "If you're trying to impress the help it ain't working," a voice like the tinkling of water in a rocky brook said sarcastically. "Ack!" David screamed in surprise covering his crotch with the inadequate towel and turning around three times looking for the owner of that voice. "Over here, dumbass," the voice continued from the direction of the table. Sitting on the edge next to his laptop was its source. Long pale blonde hair almost to the point of being white with hints of blue and green streaks flowed over her shoulders and down her back; huge sea-green eyes that seemed to envelop him even from across the room; the long tapered legs crossed at the knees would have been the envy of a swimsuit model and a chest so disproportional to her trim waist that it had to come from mythology or a Hollywood plastic surgeon. She was wearing a pale green dress that hugged her curves like it was painted on and looked like it barely covered her ass while her feet were encased in dainty little slippers the same color as the dress. She was without a doubt the most beautiful woman David had ever seen. She was also about eighteen inches tall. "Got a good look or do you need to take a picture, shithead?" she quipped after a couple of minutes of silence had passed. She was frowning and those beautiful green eyes narrowed. "Uh, sorry," he muttered and hurried over to pick up his thermals turning his back on her to pull up the bottoms. "You – uh – surprised me, that's all. I didn't expect to see anyone this early especially an elf," he said pulling the top over his head and reaching for his suit. "I'm not a fucking elf, you moron!" she screamed. He glanced back over his shoulder and saw she was standing on the table shaking with rage. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you," he said buttoning his shirt and wrapping the tie around his collar. "Do I look like a fucking elf?" she screeched. "Ah, I suppose not," he admitted. "You're – shorter and pretty and – clean. You're right, I should have known better but I don't think I've ever seen anyone up here other than elves. Well maybe the reindeer but you don't look much like a reindeer. Do you mind me asking who you are, what you're doing here and exactly what you are?" "I'm a sprite, dipshit," she fumed. "A water sprite to be exact and I'm your assistant for this little boondoggle of yours. As for how I got here," her frown deepened and she sat down in a huff crossing her arms under her large breasts, "let's just say I had a little too much icewine one night while playing cards with some frost giants and the bastards took advantage of me. Got me to bet an indenture on an inside straight and then sold it to fat and jolly before I could sober up." "Sorry to hear that," he said sympathetically. "So you're my assistant. I suppose it could be worse--at least you smell good." "Yeah well keep your smeller back over there, asshole. And you can keep your slimy paws off of me, monkey-boy! Just because you got a tiny dick doesn't mean you get to stick it in my treasure. That ain't in my contract!" she snorted. "Hey, it's cold in here!" he protested. "Don't worry your pretty brainless little head, munchkin. For one thing you're a little south of my minimum height standard by about four feet and from what I've heard so far your personality is about as ugly as your outside is beautiful. That mouth of yours isn't exactly a turn on, you know." "Well fuck you too," she sneered. "And don't get started with any of those dumb blonde jokes, jerk face. I got more brains in my ass than you got in your whole head. And you can cut the munchkin shit or I'll report you to the Guild." "Oh yeah?" he started and quickly stopped himself. To begin with arguing with a mythical was a waste of breath and besides even if she was as irritating as a jock strap made of sandpaper at least she was easy on the eyes and smelled better than an elf. Of course a pile of horse-crap smelled better than an elf. He paused, held his breath for a five count and continued, "Whatever, Barbie," he shrugged. "Tell you what: if you're supposed to be my assistant then why don't you get busy assisting. The sooner I can get done, the sooner I can get out of this hell hole and we'll never have to see each other again." "Who the fuck you think you are comparing me to some plastic toy with a fucking painted on smile and an anatomically impossible figure?" she yelled. David just cocked one eyebrow and looked down at her huge jutting breasts. She glanced down to where he was looking, quickly folded her arms across her chest and glared at him. "Anyway, Barb," he continued. "If you want to get rid of me you have to help me do my job and get out of here. The first thing you can do is help me find my luggage." "Do I look like some hotel bag-monkey?" she scoffed. "No," he replied calmly. "You look like a miniaturized Playboy Bunny. However unless you can get me a download of the last—oh, let's say, five years of the Naughty/Nice list you'll probably be more help finding my clean shorts." "Download? You mean as in digital? Where you hell do you think you are, sucker?" she started laughing. "It's all quill, parchment and about a zillion miles long!" "Great," he muttered. "That means I'm going to have to scan it all in. Wouldn't you know Christmas Town is the only place left in the world that isn't computerized." "I figure good old SC is too lazy to do it himself and the elves are too stupid to find the on button," she shrugged. "Maybe the reindeer could do it but their union is so strong and they won't allow any non-contract assignments without pretty sizable compensation." "Well that tears it then," he sighed. "I have to get my luggage first; I've got my scanner in it." "I suppose I could do that," the sprite admitted grudgingly. "Just to get you out of here quicker of course. I'll go see the desk elf, bend down and show him a bit of cleavage and he'd give me his first born male child if I ask him." "He'd have done that for a nickel let alone a glimpse of those beauties," David chuckled. "Probably," she admitted. "Hey, stop talking about my boobs!" "Sorry," he apologized. "I didn't mean to sound uncouth but like the rest of you they are pretty amazing." "Yeah, well, you can look but don't touch and I'm not too happy you talking about them either," she replied somewhat mollified. "Hey, you're human ain't ya? I didn't think humans were allowed in Christmas Town. Every once in a blue moon maybe a kid or two but not a full grown human." "Special dispensation," he smiled down at her. "I'm an auditor with the EAC." She looked puzzled so he continued. "The Eternal Auditing Corp." She still looked puzzled. "Look, you know Karma is the goddess in charge of eternal balance, right?" She nodded. "Well, we work for her. It's our job to uncover the imbalances in the world. Ma'at is actually the head of the EAC but she works for Karma." "So you fix the imbalances in the world?" the little sprite actually looked somewhat impressed. "I wish I could lie to you and tell you I do," he sighed. "But I only help uncover or discover them. There are other departments that take care of the actual balancing." He shivered just a little. "I know what I do is boring and we don't get the glory the balancing guys get but..." he shivered again. "Some of those guys are really scary and I'm happy to be where I am." "You're like some fucking bookkeeper then?" she wrinkled her nose. "That's exactly what I am," he chuckled. "I'm an accountant. Numbers, figures, books and ledgers. I know it's not very exciting but I like to think what I do is important." "I suppose if you didn't do your job the other guys couldn't do theirs," she replied slowly. "Could be worse," he shrugged. "At one time I was thinking about becoming a lawyer." "So what happened?" she asked. "My soul wasn't tainted enough to pass the LSAT's," he responded She laughed and then cocked her head looking at him. "Hey, you said you wished you could lie to me. Does that mean you can't?" "Yeah, I can't," he muttered. "We auditors are under an enchantment I suppose you could say. We can't lie. Auditors have to be completely honest and reliable. We can not answer a question or maybe answer only part of a question but whatever we say is the truth to the best of our knowledge." "That must make it hard picking up chicks," she laughed. "True," he admitted. "Since most women seem to want to be lied to." "So if your old lady asked you, 'Does this dress make me look fat?'..." she grinned. "Yep, I'd be dead meat if she didn't want the truth," he chuckled. "Luckily I don't have to worry about that. No wife and no girlfriend." "Yeah, well no surprise there." She narrowed her eyes and glared at him for a moment. "Okay, I'm going to go find your shit so we can get this abortion over with." With that she seemed to transform into bubbly sea foam which popped and dissolved into nothing but a damp spot on the table. He shook his head, sat down, opened the laptop and began creating the files he expected he would need. ------- "Thanks for getting me my stuff, Barbie" he said putting the strap of the laptop over one shoulder and the strap for the pack holding the scanner on the other. "You coming with me?" "What? It's fucking cold out there, you moron!" she screeched. "I'm a water sprite you fucking idiot! I'd be an ice cube within five steps!" "Oh, sorry," he blinked. "Well, do you just want to meet me over there then?" "I suppose I could," she mumbled a little embarrassed. "But that takes a lot of magic and..." "And what?" "And I don't have much left, okay?" she fumed. "What happened?" he asked. "You're a magical creature. You should have magic coming out your ying-yang." "It's none of your fucking business what's coming out of my ying-yang," she spat. "But it just so happens..." She stopped and he stared at her until she finally continued. "Okay, so I got this really hot tip on this seal in the third race and..." her voice petered out. "He lost?" David chuckled. "He didn't even finish!" she screamed. "The mother-fucker drowns! A mother-fucking seal drowned!" she wailed. "That is bad luck. Do we have a little gambling problem?" he asked trying to contain the laughter but he was able to contain it after seeing the look of almost pure hate she was shooting him. "Okay, none of my business. You stay here and I'll be back when I can." "No," she sighed despondently. "I have to go with you. Say," she perked up, "you don't happen to have any bourbon in that bag of yours do you? I could use that as an anti-freeze. That might get me there in somewhat less than stiff-as-a-board condition," she said smacking her lips. "Sorry, no drinking allowed when on assignment," he said shaking his head. "But I'll tell you what, Barbie: You can get into the inner pocket of my coat here and that should keep you warm enough till we get there." He opened his coat displaying the empty compartment. "Oh you'd fucking like that," she sneered but even as she said it gossamer wings unfurled behind her back and she gently lifted off the table and flew towards him. "Yep, my own little pocket pixie," he grinned as she settled feet first into the deep slot. "You know, I'm going to be really close to your balls," she mused looking up at him. "Oh, yeah," he coughed. "Sorry about that, won't happen again. Shall we go?" ------- "This is booorrring," the little sprite sighed as she sat on the edge of the table. "I get that," David snapped without looking up. "You were bored when we were scanning the lists. You were bored when I converted them optically. You were bored when I was translating them into the spreadsheet and now you're bored when I'm running the data analysis. Okay, you're bored! Now would you shut the fuck up so I can get my job done?" He paused when he realized what he'd said and looked over at the little sprite who was staring back at him with her eyes wide open and mouth hanging down. "I'm sorry," he sighed. "You didn't deserve that. It's just when I get in my groove ... I get a bit focused and I can be a bit of a prick when interrupted." "You're right, you are a prick," she agreed then stood up and wandered over to where she could see the screen. "But that doesn't mean I didn't deserve it. So, what are you doing now?" "Looking for anomalies," he replied feeling bad. The little fairy could be an annoying bitch but she wasn't in the most pleasant of situations either and he didn't need to make it worse. The big hourglass was rotating on the screen confirming it was crunching the data as he'd ordered it. "Look, I really am sorry," he said again. "Hey, this is going to take awhile with all the names and numbers it has to process. Is there somewhere you'd rather be? If you can't get there I'll be glad to take you." "Naw, that's okay," she waved him off. "Nothing but elves and fucking seals around here anyway. The reindeer are too snooty to give ya the time of day and the snowmen ... Well if there is one thing even dumber than an elf it's a snowman. All they want to do is get you on your back in a snow bank. They only got one pickup line, 'Hey, you want to see my carrot?' It gets a bit old after the first few hundred times. And the seals ... The only thing they want to do is either fuck you or eat you! As for the elves ... Let's just leave it at that. I don't think I could ever be that desperate." "I can't believe you would ever be desperate at all," he said without thinking. His mouth snapped shut and he glanced over at her muttering, "Sorry." "That's okay. I know I got nice tits," she grinned. "You've got nice everything," he said. "Your breasts are only a small part of it. Surprisingly you're not bad company either." Then he snorted and barked a laugh. "What's that all about?" she demanded. "Nothing," he replied. "Well, I just remembered a joke about seals." "You know a joke?" she acted surprised. "Will wonders never cease. Is it an accounting seal joke?" "Yes, I know a joke," he grumped. "I happen to know a lot of jokes and no it has nothing to do with accounting." "Okay, let's hear it," she said sitting down and folding her legs under her body. "All right," he started. "You see this penguin was driving into town one day when his car started smoking and running rough... " "What kind of car was it?" she interrupted. "I don't know, a penguin car," he replied. "It doesn't matter." "Okay, go on," she prompted. "Anyway..." "His car started smoking and running rough so he pulls it into the town garage. The mechanic said he'd have a look at it but it would be an hour or so. Seeing an ice cream parlor across the street the penguin heads over there looking for some ice cream. Of course there are very few things in the world a penguin loves more than ice cream..." "They do?" she asked. "I know a lot of penguins and I've never heard one of them mention ice cream before. Fish guts, yes; ice cream, no." "It's just part of the joke," he pleaded. "Go with it, okay?" "Okay," she grumbled. "But I don't see how this can be funny if the underlying premise is so absurd." David glared at her as he continued: "So he walks into the ice cream parlor and orders up a triple scoop cone of vanilla." The little sprite started to say something but David iced her with a nasty glance. She shut her mouth and settled back down on her legs again. "Now, penguins love ice cream but their little wings just aren't made to handle an ice cream cone so of course he gets it all over his face. It was quite a mess. By the time he was finished it was time to see about his car and he didn't have time to clean up. He walks into the garage and the mechanic looks at him while wiping his hands. "You blew a seal," the mechanic says. "Naw," the penguin replies brushing at his beak. "It's just a little ice cream." For a moment the sprite stared at him blinking twice. Suddenly she started howling with laughter and rolled over on her back showing him she had on pale green panties the same color as her dress. For a couple of minutes she shook there helplessly until she could finally roll up again and look up at him. "Okay, that was pretty good," she admitted as she wiped tears from her cheek. "I honestly didn't think you had it in you." "Just because I have a boring job doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor," he replied. "Yeah, my mistake," she chuckled. "Okay, so how did such a comedian get to be an auditor for the infernal powers?" "That's eternal powers and I got offered the job after I was killed." She raised her eyebrows in question and he continued. "You see I was coming home from work one day when somebody called me," he continued. "My cell phone slipped out of my hand and when I bent down to pick it up I didn't see the truck that swerved into my lane and bam! I was here." "You shouldn't be taking on a phone while driving, Einstein," she chuckled. "No shit, Sherlock," he replied. "But anyway I hadn't been bad enough to be sent to hell but only good enough to get into heaven's slums. You know, sitting around all day in a Lazy-boy watching Gilligan's Island reruns and drinking beer made in Detroit." "Sounds like hell to me," she commented. "Oh no, hell is a lot worse," he quickly informed her. "They only have reruns of the Jerry Springer Show and the beer is made in Pittsburgh! "Anyway it was that or take the job with the EAC," he admitted. "Actually I kind of like it; you do get to meet some interesting people." "Like me!" she shouted holding her hands above her head. This made her breasts jiggle in a most interesting manner. "Like you, Barbie," he grinned. "So, you know what hell is like," she continued. "Does that mean you've been there?" "Once," he nodded. "One of the auditors assigned couldn't make it and I got slotted to fill his spot." "So you did such a good job they gave you Christmas Town as a reward?" "Actually Christmas town is the worst job we've got," he sighed. "Unfortunately I'm the junior man and get all the shit jobs." "Hell is better?" she gasped in shock." "Oh, hell is the best," he assured her. "Mr. L has that place running like you wouldn't believe. Every soul perfectly placed and all the documentation nailed to the fourth decimal place. We haven't found a discrepancy there in over 500 years! The best food, the best quarters and every single auditor has a succubus assigned as his own personal assistant. Believe me, it's the plum assignment everybody wants." "But doesn't having one of those sexy succubi hanging around drive you nuts?" she grinned. "Oh, they just torment the tenants," he replied. "It's their job to wave it around under the damned soul's noses and stay just out of reach. Kind of like you: drop dead gorgeous, sexy as anything and completely untouchable. Funny thing is this seems to get them as worked up as the damned and they can't have sex with the damned; that would be a reward not a punishment, so they really get horny. Well auditors aren't off-limits so when they get a chance they really go wild! It's actually quite amazing," he ended. "Yeah, I'll bet it is," she frowned. Suddenly she looked up at him and grinned. "You think I'm gorgeous and sexy?" "Right!" he snorted. "As if you didn't know it." "Well a girl likes to hear it now and then..." she said flipping her hair back over her shoulder. "Well forgive me for not stating the obvious," he grunted. "But yes, you are incredibly beautiful and probably the sexist female I have ever seen of any size..." Just then the laptop beeped and he turned around to look at it. "That was quick," he muttered. "Now let's see what we have." Barbie stood up and peered over his shoulder to look at the screen. To her is was nothing but a jumble of numbers. "We'll set this up as a pivot table and move this around here..." he was muttering as his fingers flew over the keys. "Mmm," he hummed when another screen filled with numbers popped up. "What do we have here?" "Well, what do we have?" the little sprite demanded, practically bouncing on her toes. "An anomaly," he answered pointing to a column with his finger. "Looks like fucking garbage to me," she grumped. "Oh, well here, try this," he said absently and with a few keystrokes a three dimensional graph sprang up with one very large spike sticking up from the middle. "That's an anomal-thing-a-ma-giggly?" she asked. "Yep, and a big one," he nodded then started muttering. "This isn't right. There are too many kids on the naughty list and it's not balancing." "What?" she asked. "You see, when a child gets put on the naughty list the Christmas Spirit that would normally go to them is spread out among the children on the nice list. In balance you see. But here the Christmas Spirit just seems to be disappearing; it's going somewhere but I can't see where. "See," he jabbed his finger at the screen again. "This kid, Tommy Tucker, he's on the naughty list and it says for masturbating! Masturbating! If that were a naughty list offense then there wouldn't be a boy anywhere on the nice list!" "Girls either," Barbie muttered. "But look, it says he was masturbating thinking of his mother." "Okay, so only 97.3% of them would be on the naughty list and the rest of them would be there for thinking about their father," David snorted. "Something is seriously wrong here. We need to pull a sample of these files to see just where the Christmas Spirit is going. What do I need to do, walk it over?" "Or you could just call," Barbie pointed to the old fashioned rotary phone attached to the wall. "Oh yeah, forgot about that. Good job, Barb," he beamed. "I apologize for any brainless blonde jokes I may have said or even thought." "It's hard to be a bimbo all the time," she snorted sarcastically. "Well, you've haven't been a bimbo since I've met you," he said as he scribbled names and ID numbers on a piece of paper. "Annoying, yes; a bimbo, no." "You sure know how to turn a girls head, Mr. Excitement," she chuckled. "It's a talent," he said standing up and giving her a bow. He then rushed over to the phone and gave his request to the Naughty/Nice front desk. "Now we just wait for the files and see what we find," he grinned sitting back down and for the next two hours he taught the little sprite how to play Solitaire on the laptop. Suddenly the door slammed open and at least two dozen elves rushed in. Three of them caught the cursing, biting fairy and stuffed her into a bag while the rest jumped on David and pummeled him until he lost consciousness. ------- When he woke up he was cold, really cold. It was dark and he was lying on something hard and even colder. He was in what looked to be an ice cave. Reaching out he touched the wall. Yep, it was ice. He looked around in the gloom and saw his little sprite shivering on top of the bag she had been captured in, blue as glacial ice. "Hey, there," he spoke softly. "H-h-hey t-t-there, y-y-yourself," her teeth chattered. "Do you know where we are?" he asked. She just shook her head. "Damn!" He could see her body shivering even more than his was. "Come here, you," he said picking her up gently and opening his shirt. She squawked as he placed her nearly frozen little body next to his skin and wrapped his shirt and blazer around the both of them. Naturally he didn't have his overcoat; it was still hanging on the peg next to the door. He wasn't surprised; he doubted they were meant to survive their imprisonment. "W-w-what t-t-the f-fuck are you doing?" she demanded. He could feel her warm up against him. "I'm trying to keep you from freezing, you little twit," he replied crossly. "Y-you d-don't have to do that," she replied her shivering slowing to a sporadic convulsion now and then. "Would you be quiet?" he asked. "This is silly," she protested. "It's not like we're going to be found and I don't need..." "Would you shut up for once?" he interrupted. He'd curled up and pulled his blazer over them as far as he could breathing down into it to trap what warmth he could. "I got you into this and by God if I can keep you from freezing I'm going to," he continued. "Actually we will be found." He showed her his watch which had a blinking red light on the upped face. "It's a distress beacon. Sooner or later Karma's crew will find us." "How long?" she asked stretching out until her whole body was against his. "Minutes, hours, days, weeks," he shrugged. "I don't know but as long as I last I'm going to keep you warm. Even if I ... die again, I'll still have some body heat for you; hopefully enough to keep you going until they find you." She lay there with her head on his chest casually playing with a few of his chest hairs. "Why?" she asked. "I already told you," he snapped trying to sound harsh but the cold was making him sleepy. "But I don't think that's all of it," she mused. "It doesn't matter," he sighed trying to keep his eyes open. "It's just silly dream I had. Let it go, Barb." "Xantho," she responded. "What?" "Xantho, that's my name," she replied. "Beautiful name," he mumbled as the cold softly sucked him down into darkness. ------- He woke still shivering a little. He was in a bed, he was covered and there was a weight on his chest. He cracked open his eyes and there sitting crossed-legged on his chest staring down at him was Barbie—check that, Xantho the water sprite. "So I'm alive," he stated. "Well, duh!" she snorted. "Where'd you think you were? Heaven?" "Well, I might have been," he answered shyly and turned his head. With her sitting like she was he could see her light blue panties that matched the short blue dress she had on this time. "With me there?" she chuckled. "Well, yeah, that's kind of why..." he replied still not looking at her. "Yeah, that's something we got to talk about," she said seriously. "No, we don't," he said firmly. "It's my fantasy and my problem." "It may be your fantasy," she smiled at him crookedly, "but it's our problem." "No it's not," he insisted. "Look, Xantho..." "Yes it is my little buckaroo, and I kind of like it when you call me Barbie," she said reaching down with her tiny hand and grabbing his nose. She tugged with surprising strength until his head was turned and he was looking at her again. "You don't know what's been going on around here." "Well I suppose they found us in time..." he started. "That's a blinding flash of the obvious," she snorted. "Yeah they found us just as you were about to play ice cube. By the way. What happens to you if you die a second time? Never mind. If you're interested, we're still in Christmas Town but not in one of those little shit rooms they have for people they don't like; you're in one of the VIP suites. "Okay, to start with you caught the little buggers dead to rights," she continued. "It was the fucking elves of course. More specifically the one in charge of the Naught/Nice list and most of his butt-fucking buddies. They were juicing up the Naughty list, shaving off the excess Christmas Spirit and laundering it through a bunch of trolls down in Mexico." "He admitted it?" David asked with surprise. "Sang like a fucking canary," she grinned. "Of course that might have had something to do with that hell demon JC brought in to shake up the department. JC was mighty perturbed when he found out about all this. I guess he has kind of a soft spot for Christmas, it being all about his birthday and such. He's really pissed off and has been reaming SC's ass about ten times a day about what a fucking mess this place is. Old fat and jolly doesn't know whether to shit or just shoot himself. "Anyway, that demon has these stupid elves moving like their pants was on fire and their asses was catching and it being hell-fire and all it seems to motivate them pretty well. Of course the four he ate to get their attention right off the bat didn't hurt none either. "Got to meet your boss, Ma'at," she said and then shivered. "That's one scary bitch, let me tell you. She's got about a hundred of you auditors climbing all over the fucking place jumping down everybody's throat and then crawling up their asses. I think she was as pissed as JC. Anyhow she says you did real well and she was impressed how quickly you nailed the fuckers. You really are hot stuff there kido, for a dweeb." "I don't know about that..." he muttered shyly. "Well she thinks you are," Xantho interrupted forcefully and tweaked his nose. "And I don't think she's the kind you want to say is wrong. Not out loud anyway." He just shrugged and rubbed his nose while she nodded in triumph. "So it looks like you're pretty high up on her good-boy list for now. She's giving you a vacation, choice of next assignment," she paused and starred at him intently, "and me." His heart stopped for a beat or two as he starred back up at her. "That's right, me. You now have my indenture. So the question is what are you going to do with me?" "Nothing," he muttered turning his head again. "Okay, wrong question," she said grabbing his nose again and turning his face back around. "What is it you want to do with me?" "Noth—gagh!" he gagged as the word stuck in his throat. "This is so cool!" she smirked. "You really can't lie. Let's try this again: What is it you want to do with me?" "I don't want to say," he gasped out. "Not an option," she replied coolly. "Come on, I got all day, all night for that matter and remember the nights up here are about six months long. So what do you want to do with me? Do you want to fuck me?" "Yes! No!" he turned his head again. "Well, we're getting somewhere anyway," she muttered and grabbed an ear twisting until he was turned around again. "Ouch!" he cried. "That hurts!" "Come on you big baby, answer the question." He closed his eyes tightly and pursed his lips. "Okay, let's try something else," she said. "Did you know that freezing a sprite doesn't kill them?" "No," his eyes popped open in surprised. "It doesn't," she nodded. "Stings like hell but it doesn't kill us. So you thought you were saving my life?" He gave her a little nod. "Now we're getting somewhere. Okay, so why did you want to save my life?" "I probably would have done it for anyone," he mumbled. "Probably. You're that kind of guy," she agreed. "But that wasn't the only reason was it?" He tried to say yes a number of times but it wouldn't come out. Finally he shook his head miserably. "Very good," she smiled and patted his cheek. "I really like this not-lying thing. Okay, so why else didn't you want me to die? Come on, spit it out boy." "This isn't fair," he protested. "You're not making this easy at all." "Who said it had to be easy?" she said peering down at him intently. "And what gave you the impression I ever had the intention of being fair? Come on, finish it up." "It's because I lik—gaaa! I lik—owww!" he finally gave up and a tear rolled down the side of his head in into his ear. "It's because I love you! I couldn't stand to see you die! There. Are you happy now?" "Pretty much," she answered softly. She didn't seem surprised. "So, you love my nice tits and my cute panties?" "You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen," he admitted. "But I think I fell in love with you the first time you called me dumb-ass." "That's sweet," she smiled softly. "So now you have your hearts desire completely under your control..." "No!" he shouted. "I release you! I will not have you bound to me chained by magic." "Yeah, I feel the bonds fading away," she grinned and shook her shoulders. Suddenly she stood up and jumped to the floor. He rolled his head to the side away from where she landed and another tear oozed out of his closed eyes. He heard the popping of sea foam again and assumed she had transported herself back to wherever she called home. He was shocked when he felt a cool, full-sized hand cup his chin and turn his head to the other side. Suddenly he was gazing into those huge sea-green eyes just inches away from his. "I'll bet you also didn't know sprites can make themselves any size they want, now did you?" He shook his head slowly. She pulled back the covers and slipped into bed next to him while keeping their eyes locked. "Now, no bullshit. Tell me what you really wanted." "I wanted to hold you," he whispered. "I want to love you; I want you to be—my wife." "How about we try girlfriend for a while?" she smiled seductively. "You really don't know me yet and besides you know what they say..." He shook his head slowly. "After the first ten years, a job still sucks but a wife doesn't." He sobbed and chuckled at the same time. "But I'll let you in on a little secret," she grinned mischievously. "A girlfriend always does." Suddenly their lips were together and his arms were around her and he didn't feel cold at all. ------- "I like your choice of vacations," Barbie grinned as she skipped along beside him in the sand. Her hair and tiny little bikini were the same color as the ocean foam topping the small waves as they crashed onto the beach. As they moved along you could hear the groans and mewling of every male sitting or standing on the beach. She ignored all of them. "Where else would I get to see you wearing that?" he grinned as he glanced lovingly over at her. "You see a hell of a lot more than this every night," she grinned back. "It's not the same and there isn't a hell of a lot more to see," he chuckled. She jiggled her tits at him causing spontaneous ejaculations from at least five teenage boys who were watching them open mouthed. "So, have you decided on your new assignment yet?" she asked changing the subject. "Because if it's hell I'll be damned before you're going there without me! No fucking way those succubi are getting their claws in you, buster! You're my dweeb and its hands off!" "The succubi don't interest me," he said with complete honesty and she shivered pressing up against him. "And hell isn't much of a challenge. I'm thinking more along the lines of the Easter Bunny or maybe running the financials on the Tooth Fairy. His cost per tooth appears to be getting way out of line lately and I'd like to see just what he's spending it on. From his latest budget request he must be leaving twenty dollar gold pieces under the pillows. "But I'm going to need a hard nosed assistant to keep me on task," he added. "Yeah, like you'd be able to stop me from coming with you," she smirked, lightly punching his arm. She then jumped on him and gave him a kiss that literally curled his toes. Edited by Morgan ------- The End ------- Posted: 2010-12-11 ------- http://storiesonline.net/ -------