Storiesonline.net
-------

                            OSL: Morris Camp
                              by bluedragon

Copyright© 2012 by bluedragon


-------
Description: This story is ONLY for fans of my Ordinary Sex Life series. If you have not read through AOCSL2, do not even bother starting this one.

Codes: MF FF cons oral BBr
-------



-------

Chapter 1: Nick


-- AUGUST 28 --

What the hell am I hell doing here? I'm a college graduate, cum laude from USC. Sure, I could've been magna cum laude if I'd just applied myself a little harder, but I still got through it and got my degree. I got my dream job, doing business consulting for a Big 4. It's Monday morning, and I should be downtown, kicking back in my 33rd-floor office looking out the window of the city that used to be right at my fingertips.

I should be dressed in that Armani power suit, hobnobbing with some of the finest business minds in the country. Sure, they'd have continued working me like a slave for eighty-plus hours a week, but my raises were guaranteed at twenty percent a year, plus bonuses. I could have been making six figures by the time I turned 25 and a partner by 30.

I should be dining on the finest steaks at Mastro's in Beverly Hills with Martina. Damn that girl had a smokin' body. Still does, I suppose. I'm sure she would have been absolutely crazy in bed, but I'm never going to find out because I'm never going to see her again. A girl that hot can't stay single for long. She's back home among the wolves while I'm stuck here in the middle of podunk Oregon or somewhere. And instead of eating steak I'm liable to end up milking cows for the next year.

Fuck.

She was out of your league, anyway. Look at you. Flabby, average-looking nerd. How the hell you got a girl that hot to go on a date with you in the first place I'll never know.

Screw you. And I started working out.

Pssht. Sitting on a stationary bike not pedaling while watching SportsCenter doesn't count as 'working out'.

Fuck you.

It's your own damn fault you're here, you know. Nobody put a gun to your head.

It's not my fault!

Of course it is.

What else was I supposed to do, huh? Downtown L.A. is not the place to be after hours.

Would've been better than how things turned out, wouldn't you say?

Things weren't that bad. Nobody died or anything. Everyone's just overreacting.

You still could have killed somebody.

But I didn't. Why does everyone keep forgetting that? It wasn't such a big deal.

If it wasn't such a big deal, then why are you sitting here in podunk Oregon arguing with your own conscience. Huh?

Hey dimwit, we're still in California. Get it straight.

Did you just call your own conscience a 'dimwit'? Who's the real dimwit, huh?

"Fuck you."

A sharp elbow caught me in my ribs. I quickly turned to the source of the elbow: a girl my age with vintage cat-eye glasses and dirty-blonde hair with a forelock dyed neon purple. "Watch your language," she hissed at me. "This is a family camp, doofus."

Wincing, I shook my head and muttered, "Sorry."

Purple-streak gave me a strange look, wondering about the weirdo talking to himself in the middle of a presentation, and cursing at himself no less. Shaken from my reverie, I turned my attention back to the front of the room where a camp polo-clad middle-aged woman with a weatherbeaten face stood and continued on with her orientation.

Paying attention here was just as difficult as in a college lecture hall. In the back of my head, I knew this information was important for me to understand, especially since I knew diddly squat about Morris Camp and even less about being a ranch hand. But I was still seething inside at the utter humiliation of even being here in the first place that I was finding it quite difficult to concentrate.

Really, I didn't belong here. I'd looked around the room and engaged in polite conversation with some of the thirty-odd young men and women in the room when I'd first arrived. Some of them were seasoned veterans: previous staff members who had served the camp before, or had at least done so this current summer. The others were at least frequent visitors to the camp, fully comfortable in this environment and this way of life. And unlike me, every single one of them wanted to be here.

I didn't particularly understand the logic. Why would anyone want to give up the creature comforts of modern life in favor of rustic charm and rural limitations? I'd been living alone in a one-bedroom downtown loft apartment, entertaining myself with a 50-inch plasma TV and a top-of-the-line gaming computer with the fastest graphics card money could buy. Here I'd be sharing a room with some dude I'd never met before while the nearest TV was an old CRT in the staff lounge, and there wasn't even a cellular tower within range to get a single bar. Mom wouldn't let me bring even a laptop, which was just as well since this place didn't have Wi-Fi anyway. I wondered if the bathroom would be attached to my room, or if I'd have to hike through the great outdoors to take a communal shower beneath a jerry-rigged garden hose.

"Camp," I muttered to myself as if it were a curse word.

The pay was minimal. There was no real 'vacation time' and the health plan began and ended with the nurse's station at the back of the Main Lodge. The nearest bar serving alcohol was an hour's drive away, and the only thing we'd be able to watch on TV was the collection of old VHS tapes gathering dust in the corner.

And yet, to a person, everyone truly wanted to be here. Unplugged. Unconnected. Happily cut off from the outside world. Some of them were taking a hiatus from their lives, pausing before, during, or after their college careers for a year or so before going back and re-entering the real world. Some never went to college and never planned to, deciding that the joy of the great outdoors was worth not pursuing anything more ambitious than this simple life. ALL of them had some connection to Morris Camp, either growing up in the area or at least visiting with their family at some point.

All of them, except me.

Well, that's not technically true; I did have some connection to this place. My mom had grown up at this camp, visiting every year practically from birth and into her twenties. Only after meeting Dad did she stop coming. But some old friend or another had told her about this 'ranch hand' program they were running. So when the shit hit the fan back home, when I was terminated from my dream job, and when only Dad's connections managed to get me off from any criminal charges beyond a simple slap on the wrist, I got sent here.

'It will toughen you up, ' Mom insisted.

'It will help you build character, ' Dad agreed.

Fuck toughening. Fuck character. I wanted my old life back.

But you can't have your old life back; that's the whole point. Look at the bright side.

Bright side?

You could've been spending the next few years in jail. Being a ranch hand won't be so bad, right?

I sighed. Right...

-------

The interminable orientation ended, and the collected ranch hands talked amongst each other while our "Ranch Leads" started singling us out one-by-one.

Before the orientation, I'd been chatting with a guy named Aaron about the Dodgers and we'd sat down together. Now, I stood up to stretch while we started talking again about nothing in particular. But a moment later, my breath caught in my throat as I saw her.

Fuckin' A. How the hell did I not notice this girl earlier? She was tall, blonde, busty, and beautiful. Oddly enough, there were disproportionately more girls than guys working as ranch hands at this camp. From the brief conversations I'd had with them before the formal orientation, I gathered that girls were more likely than guys to give up a year of their early-20s to do something like this. Supposedly there was also a high female-to-male ratio signing up for things like the Peace Corps and other volunteer organizations, and being a ranch hand at Morris Camp apparently wasn't much different. Unfortunately, the majority of those girls ranged from plain to downright unattractive, although there were a few pretty ones in the bunch.

Still, I should have noticed the blonde earlier, as I now found her to be the hottest one in the room. Well, there was a brunette with a very pretty face, but she was also the one giving 'back off, fucker' glares to any guy who happened to check her out. The blonde, on the other hand, was smiling and twirling her hair in one finger as she chatted with a good-looking guy who had taken the initiative to engage her in conversation.

"Earth to space cadet..." Aaron waved a hand in front of my face.

I blinked, met his gaze for a moment, and then gestured with my eyes toward the blonde.

Raising his eyebrows, Aaron turned around and looked over, whistling beneath his breath. "Yeah ... you think I didn't notice her the second I walked in the room?"

"Boys..." Purple-streak girl with the cat-eye glasses sighed behind us. "Is sex all you think about?"

I turned around and blushed, my automatic reaction when dealing with a woman expressing displeasure in me. Hell, I probably blushed a lot of the time when dealing with a woman who wasn't expressing displeasure in me. My conscience was right: Martina had been way out of my league. Even I didn't know how the hell I'd gotten her to go out with me.

Get real. She liked your car and your bank account.

I sighed. The car was gone now, and the bank account was useless in a place like this. What could I do, impress a chick buy buying every Kit Kat they had stocked in the snack bar?

Aaron stepped past me and grinned at the shortie scowling at us. "Sex isn't the only thing we think about, but it's pretty high up the list."

The girl rolled her eyes obviously and sighed. "Well if you really want, go have at her," she said while gesturing toward the blonde. "That one is a total slut, so you've probably got a good shot of getting a piece of her."

I arched an eyebrow. "Slut? What makes you say that? Do you know her?"

She shook her head. "No, I just know her type. Girls don't get boob jobs unless they're gagging for male attention."

Aaron, staring over at the blonde, was shaking his head slowly. "I don't think that's a boob job. Believe me, I've spent countless hours both on the internet and in real life evaluating women's breasts, and I think I'm pretty good at spotting implants."

"Pssht," the girl beside us scoffed. "Look how big those are, and how skinny she is. No way are those things real."

I shook my head, thinking of Martina and smiling at the memory of her Playboy-model quality body. "Not necessarily. Some girls are blessed with good genes, and I think you're just jealous."

"Ugh," Purple-streak groaned and turned away. "Horny bastards."

My new friend chuckled and then extended a hand to her. "I'm Aaron, certified horny bastard."

Despite herself, a smile crept across the girl's face and she took his hand. "Zoey. Pleased to meet you."

Aaron grinned and pumped her hand. Zoey then let go and with a sigh, extended her hand to me. But just as I reached to shake hers, someone from behind called my name.

"Nick Campbell?"

I picked my head up and turned toward the voice. "That's me."

A scruffy-looking guy with a tanned face beneath an unruly ginger beard grinned up at me and grabbed onto the hand I had left proffered out for a shake. "Hey, I'm Todd. I'm your Lead. Pleased to meet you."

We shook, and then Todd glanced over to Aaron, his eyes dropping to my new friend's chest and catching the scribbled nametag stuck to the front of Aaron's shirt.

"Oh, hey. Aaron Nantz?"

My new buddy nodded in confirmation.

Todd grinned. "Cool. I'm your lead, too. That makes this easy. Both of you come on back with me into the other room. There's some paperwork we've got to fill out and I'll get you both squared away."

Aaron shook hands with Todd and then we all turned back to Zoey. With an amused smile, she gave us a short wave and said, "See you guys around."

-------

-- SEPTEMBER 4 --

The alarm clock on the nightstand blared to life, screeching relentlessly in the most annoying electric sound 1960s-era engineers could devise. Jerked from blissful sleep by the harsh tones, my left hand flailed out over and again, slapping the nightstand surface, accidentally turning on the radio as well, and nearly knocking over the table lamp before finally hitting the right button to shut the damn thing up.

"Unnnngh..." I groaned, and not in a good way. "Somebody shoot me now."

On the opposite lumpy twin-long mattress, Aaron groaned as well. "I can't shoot you. You have to shoot me first."

When Mom first suggested this job, I had asked her what the hell it meant to be a "ranch hand". Googling it sent me to some truck accessory store. Wikipedia redirected the phrase to the article for "cowboy". My mind was filled with images of riding a horse while herding cattle and swaggering about the dusty prairie wearing chaps and a six-bullet revolver in a leather holster.

In a week, I'd learned it really meant "camp slave". It was just a random title given to everyone, much in the way Disneyland calls all its employees "Cast Members" like they're part of a movie or something. Everyone was a ranch hand, and a ranch hand could be assigned to do literally anything around the camp. Shovel manure? Done it. Bathroom janitor? Hell, yeah. Scrape up dried Mac & Cheese from underneath the tables of paying camp guests? You betcha. Only thing I hadn't done yet was milk a cow, and looking at the schedule showed I was due for that this afternoon.

Much, MUCH later this afternoon. Or at least, it seemed that way given that our alarm was going off at the ungodly hour of 6:00am, and on a Sunday no less. No more sleeping in on the weekends – those were peak days for the guests. No more rolling out of bed at 7:30 on the weekdays and tousling my hair before taking the elevator down to the garage and making the 5-minute drive to work rather than walk ten blocks.

In retrospect, it would've been a better idea to walk. At the very least, my body would have been a little more used to physical activity that way. As it was, my most significant daily exercise had been the short commute from my 33rd-floor office to the Keurig coffee machine about twenty feet away. And after a week of regular "ranch hand" duties, I didn't think there was a muscle on my body that wasn't sore.

Scratch that: my penis muscle wasn't getting much of a workout. Forget having sex; I couldn't even really jerk off. First of all, I'd gone from having a downtown loft all to myself to sharing a small room with another guy, so privacy was scarce. There was no internet and I hadn't thought to stash away any magazines, leaving me with only my memories (which weren't all that great) and whatever fantasies I could conjure up. Sure, there were several attractive females working around me, not to mention the occasional smoking hot guest to perv on. But the grim reality was that in this particular place, I was one of the least desirable males around; and saddled with that knowledge of the girls' low opinions of me, I found it difficult to muster up enough suspension of disbelief to even properly fantasize.

I suppose I couldn't blame the girls for their opinions. The metrics used to value a potential male's worth at Morris Camp were considerably different than the metrics of LA and Hollywood. Back home, my new model E-class with chrome rims and gleaming black paint job grabbed a girl's attention. My fancy watch and willingness to buy expensive drinks held that attention. And talk of spending a weekend away from my high-paying job to drive up the coast and visit my parents at their beach-front Malibu compound made girls wet between their legs while dreaming of a life spent in luxury.

Not so here.

Female ranch hands at Morris Camp were fit, every one of them in good enough shape to hike for hours, chase a loose mare around a corral long enough to get a bridle on it, and then swim back and forth across the lake a few times just for the fun of it. And they expected a man to more than keep up with them. The girls here didn't pay attention to what brand of clothing a guy wore; they paid attention to his muscles beneath. They weren't interested in charming conversation about the latest band, latest trends, or latest episode of Laguna Beach. They wanted to talk about the environment, the mystical interconnection of the universe, or your personal philosophy on one's sense of self.

That's not to say every girl at camp was a dirty, spaced-out hippie wearing hemp clothing and waxing poetic about metaphysics. In fact, most of the girls took care of their appearance, wearing at least a little bit of makeup and putting in some effort to enhance their physical appeal. Because for all the ideals of getting away from the rat race and the rest of the outside world, single young people at Morris Camp acted just like single young people anywhere else in America.

They flirted like hell.

Only a week into the program, and the rumor mill was spinning in overdrive with discussion of who was hooking up with whom and which guy was seen hitting on which girl. The metrics were different, but the hormones were the same. Seemingly every ranch hand was involved or rumored to be involved or rumored to be potentially involved with someone else. Everyone that is, except me.

It wasn't that I was bad looking. Granted, I'm no Orlando Bloom or Stephen Colletti, but I knew I had a halfway decent face. I was tall, with good posture and a confident carriage. And although I wasn't well-versed in liberal politics or the Seven Chakras, I'd bantered with quick-witted L.A. players and enough future trophy wives in the club scene to keep up my end of any conversation.

No, my biggest problem was that on Day One of orientation, I had proven myself to be the chunkiest, flabbiest, wimpiest guy in a hundred mile radius. All the new recruits had gone on a hike together to familiarize ourselves with the camp's grounds and to bond as "brothers and sisters" or so the Kumbaya-philosophy went. A mile into the hike I'd started dragging at the back of the pack. Two miles in one of the ranch leads decided to carry my backpack for me so I could keep up. And by the time we reached our first destination, one of the cute girls giggled while pointing at my sweat-drenched face and commented that it looked like I'd already gone swimming.

We actually did go swimming a few days later. I'd thought my bright orange Hurley board shorts looked pretty cool back in Santa Monica. Here, they just made me stick out like a sore thumb and called everyone's attention to the vast amounts of pasty white flab hanging over my waistband.

Shoulda walked the ten blocks to work,  I muttered to myself more than once.

Adding injury to insult later on, I'd cramped up in the lake and started drowning. No seriously, drowning. Purple-streak Zoey had been the first to realize I was foundering, and I'd suffered the ignominy of needing a 5'4", 115-pound girl to rescue my sorry 6'2", 240-pound ass.

Suffice to say, in a world where the most attractive male attribute was physical fitness, I was at the bottom of the totem pole. Every guy - every guy - was a hardbody compared to me. And having every other ranch hand watching as the most basic of camp labor tasks completely wiped me out day after day after day was not helping my self-esteem, either.

And today I would get to milk a cow. Joy. At least things couldn't get any worse.

"C'mon, dude," Aaron reached out and slapped my shoulder as he stood up and then headed for the sink to wash up. "Gotta get to breakfast and load up on calories if you're going to survive today."

"Why? What's so bad about today?"

Aaron gave me a lopsided smirk as he tapped the duty-schedule we'd taped to our bunkroom door. "We're back on the manure-shift this afternoon."

I closed my eyes and groaned, "Ah, shit."

-------

"Cold one?"

The sound of Aaron's voice snapped me out of my momentary reverie. It wasn't that I'd been lost in thought or anything contemplative. I was simply so fucking bone tired that for several moments my brain had lacked the energy to even think.

Blinking slowly, my eyes swam back into focus as I looked up at my roommate. He stood over me, remnants of sweat still dotting his forehead from a long day's work. And in his right hand was a tall glass of dark liquid topped by a mouthwateringly thick layer of foam.

In my previous life, I'd experienced countless similar scenes. Back then, the location had been one downtown bar or another with plush leather couches and tasteful lighting. Today, I found myself in the camp's staff lounge, sitting on a battered vinyl armchair with several tears in the cover to reveal the cheap yellow foam beneath. Back then, the tall glass would have contained a $7 draft beer or a $10 cocktail. Today, Aaron's 'cold one' was most assuredly a Diet Coke, free from the soda machine humming in the corner.

But one thing turned out the same as before. The second I reached a hand up to gratefully accept the cool soft drink from my closest buddy, a hot blonde walked by and suddenly my 'best friend' was crossing the room, a crooked smile on his lips.

"Heyyy, Deedee..." Aaron greeted in an amiable tone. "Cold one?"

"Hey, thanks," the gorgeous blonde with the big rack replied, sporting a megawatt smile that would have lit up the room had it not already been filled with natural sunshine on the pale yellowing walls. One hip jutted out to receive her left hand while her right took the glass from my roommate, their fingers touching for just a brief moment and causing Aaron's smile to get even bigger.

It was understandable. Deedee was considered the hottest girl in camp, an opinion that had only been verified the first time she emerged from the lake wearing an American Flag bikini, her nipples hard from the Sierra-cold water. Three guys promptly stood up and solemnly recited the Pledge of Allegiance with their hands over their hearts. But despite her name matching her apparent cup size, after more than a week nobody had managed to land her. She'd told every potential suitor straight up that she wasn't interested in a boyfriend and had come here to work and enjoy her trip to paradise, but that didn't stop guys from trying, my roommate included.

"What happened to bros before hoes?" Zoey cracked as she dropped onto the seat next to me and then tilted her head back to take a swig from her own drink.

"That's a myth," Edwin commented from a barstool on my left. "It's a fictional law invoked by the guys who AREN'T getting laid to complain about their friends who ARE getting laid."

"And you wonder why women are so reluctant to believe a single word coming out of a guy's mouth?" Marie drawled as she sat down on Zoey's armrest, sipping at her own soda.

I found my gaze being drawn to a bead of moisture running down the length of Marie's glass, collecting with other beads at the base before forming a droplet big enough to fall and splatter on the bare skin of her knee.

Reflexively, I licked my lips in thirst and then took a deep breath, steeling myself for the exertion ahead.

Marie caught my look and realized I was staring at her glass, not her. "Thirsty? Why didn't you get one before you sat down?"

Zoey reached out and patted my arm. "Nicky here only had enough energy to make it to the chair, not to the soda machine and back."

A grin spread across Marie's face and without hesitation, she slipped off the armrest and went to the soda machine to get me a drink.

"Don't forget to make it a Diet!" Zoey called after her.

I scowled momentarily. From Day One, my lack of physical fitness had become the butt of many jokes amongst the ranch hands. And by now, my ego had been so battered down that I really didn't care anymore. "Of course," I groaned, patting my too-large belly.

And so it went, the ritual of the day: Wake up at some ungodly morning hour. Slave away until noon. Play "newbie shadow" to one of the experienced staffers who'd been at the camp all summer, downloading as much information as I could on an empty stomach while watching the guests eat first. And then scarf down as many calories as I could manage in less than 30 minutes before heading out to the fields to slave away all afternoon.

This time period, from 4 to 5pm, was my only true reprieve. It was the time when all the day shift ranch hands could sit down and relax for an hour here in the unglamorous staff lounge, sipping cold sodas, eating snacks, and talking shit before prepping dinner for the guests. Sure, we had free time for ourselves in the evenings after our own dinner. But that was for the people who weren't so completely exhausted as to crawl into their bunk and fall immediately to sleep (i.e. everyone but me).

It was a shitty daily existence. And I hated it. Sure, there was a silver lining: I'd lost 5 pounds already. But the work wasn't toughening me up, only beating me down. And I certainly didn't think I was building any character.

I wanted to go home.

-------

"Explain to me again why a backwater hippie retreat like this doesn't have any weed?" I groaned, reaching my hands up to my temples and rubbing the sides of my head in circles.

"It's a family camp, doofus," Zoey reminded me for the umpteenth time as the four of us trekked along the hiking trail that wound northwest from the camp.

"The owners take their reputation seriously. Zero tolerance for drugs," Aaron intoned. "Last year, I was here as a guest and the family in the next cabin got banned for life for toking up."

"You should stay away from the stuff anyway," Marie chimed in. "Leads to nothing but bad decisions and actions you'll regret for the rest of your life."

"Spoken from experience?" Aaron queried with raised eyebrows.

Marie just scowled and didn't look at him.

That quieted everyone down for a minute, giving me ample time to stare up at the encroaching mountain and notice how far away we were getting from camp. After giving the trail behind us a long, lingering look, I came to the realization that every step we took forward was another step we'd have to take back to get home. And in a voice even I recognized as petulant, I whined, "Are we there yet?"

Zoey cracked up. "Wow, you have given up ALL pretense of being a man, haven't you?"

"I'm tired. My whole body aches. It's humid. I'm sweaty. I'm miserable. And I've got a fucking headache, okay?"

"Hey! Language, doofus," Zoey snapped at me.

I didn't care. I was rubbing my temples again with my eyes closed and whimpering when my toe stubbed on the trail. Caught off-balance I stumbled, windmilling my arms desperately before quite literally faceplanting in the dirt.

As I lay there, snorting out the powdery muck that had climbed up my nostrils, my so-called "friends" howled in laughter above me. I decided in that very moment to remain right where I was and not bother getting up. Ever. This shithole was as good a place to die as any.

A foot nudged my side. "C'mon, dude. Get up. Shake it off," Aaron grunted. I didn't budge, except to look at him. He sighed heavily and then muttered, "Fine, then. Quit. Seriously. Not everybody is cut out for this place. Go home, really home, so the rest of us don't have to hear you whine anymore."

"Hey, be nice," Zoey admonished him, accompanied by a slap upside the back of his head.

Aaron growled as he rubbed his head and shot Zoey an annoyed look. She stuck her tongue out at him and he cracked into a wide smile.

A hand suddenly touched my shoulder. I twisted my face out of the dirt to see that Marie had come to kneel beside me, her hand rubbing me encouragingly. She was actually very pretty, once you got past the lack of makeup and the perpetual frown, and she wasn't frowning right now. Instead, her expression was one of warmth and concern, and she gave me an encouraging smile. "C'mon, it's not very far now; we're almost there. Really. Since you've never been, this is something you really shouldn't miss, and we're running out of time."

She rubbed my shoulder again, and this time I let her nudges assist me in rolling onto my side. Aaron stepped forward and offered me a hand. And after taking a deep breath, I got to one knee and let him help me up the rest of the way.

With one more deep breath, I began dusting myself off and then gave my friends a wry shrug. "Fine. Almost there."

Aaron clapped my back. "Think of it this way, dude. I think you pretty much hit rock bottom with that little dirt-dive. Your life has nowhere to go from here but up."

I sighed and shook my head. "Wanna bet?"

-------

As it turned out, Aaron's words were prophetic, but not in a good way for me. Our path quite literally turned up, as we left the main trail and began to climb up the mountain on a series of switchbacks. My BMI was around 30, which meant that I was clinically obese. And seeing as I had been hot, tired, and sweaty to begin with, lugging my extra forty-five pounds up a mountainside was not going to improve my mood.

Still, I doggedly made it up. My ego had been taking a serious beating over the last week, and like Zoey said I had long ago abandoned any pretentions of masculine dignity. But one thing I was not was a quitter.

I didn't quit Little League baseball when my coach told me I just didn't have the athletic ability to ever become a starter.

I didn't quit my Econ major when Professor Feldman turned out to be a hard-ass bitch with an agenda to wash me out of the program.

I never quit on my homework or studying, even when my friends wanted to skip class or call it an early night to go drinking instead.

And I wasn't going to quit Morris Camp.

For one, I had the very real prospect of a jail sentence hanging over my head if I didn't complete the program. But even putting aside that little factoid, it wasn't in my nature to back down from a challenge. Mom called me hard-headed. Dad said I was plain stubborn. I liked to think that once I committed to something, I committed.

Tell that to flabby-ass sitting on the stationary bike watching SportsCenter.

Shut up, you.

Okay, so maybe I wasn't the hardest worker, and I could be lazy like anyone else. But I was NOT a quitter.

"C'mon, dude. Just a little further. A little further. And ... hey! You made it!" Aaron started clapping, and was soon joined by Zoey. The noise caught the attention of several other people already up here on this naturally-forming ledge cut high into the ridgeline. And after taking a look at my sweaty pink face, they joined in on the round of applause.

Yeah, my dignity was LONG gone.

Marie took me by the arm and led me over to an unoccupied boulder, upon which I immediately sat down with wheezing gasps for air. We were among the last to arrive, and all of the man-made benches were taken. But this boulder had a relatively flat top and just barely enough room for two, a fact I found out when to my surprise, Marie squeezed herself onto the space beside me, her hip pressed tight against mine.

This was by far the most physical contact I'd had with a female in my short time here at the camp (excepting Zoey's dramatic lake rescue), and I found myself gawking at Marie in surprise. She wasn't paying any attention to me, her gaze locked onto the horizon. It was a gorgeous vista to be sure, the kind of view they publish in travel magazines. We could see clear across the valley filled with evergreens and the winding river. And in the distance, one could almost believe the sun itself was going to sleep in the water itself beyond the horizon.

But with Marie distracted by the view, I found I had a few stolen moments to look at her.

I'd noticed her the very first day, the brunette who seemed to have a nice body under unflattering clothes giving 'back off, fucker' glares to every male who so much as glanced at her. She'd softened around the edges as the days went on and everyone got familiar with each other. But she still refrained from flirting and had kept every guy at the camp at arm's length.

Hidden behind square but not unstylish glasses were blue eyes: sharp and wary whenever she looked at a guy, but warm and friendly whenever she was with a girl. The second night after our arrival, Aaron and I had gone through the laundry list of every female ranch hand and commented on their hotness and potential availability. Aaron had pegged Marie as a bitter lesbian from the beginning, an assessment I couldn't really disagree with, especially since her roommate and best friend Zoey seemed to fit the stereotypical lipstick lezzie to a T.

And yet here she was, hip-to-hip with me on a boulder staring out at the sunset. The view alone could make a quiet moment here into a romantic one, the very kind of situation Marie went out of her way to avoid. One could almost believe that this was her way of showing some interest in me as a romantic partner.

But I knew better. This moment was the last dagger in my dignity. Marie's physical proximity to me was not an indicator of my desirability. Rather, it meant that out of every single male within fifty miles, I was the ONLY one so completely pathetic as to not even be considered a potential romantic entanglement.

NOW I'd hit rock bottom.

With a sigh, I tore my gaze away from Marie and scrutinized the pebbles at my feet. By now I had caught my breath and no longer needed to hang my head from sheer exhaustion. But I found myself hanging it anyway, feeling crushed down by the weight of my failures and the misery of the situation in which I found myself.

"Hey, pick your head up." Marie nudged me in the ribs with an elbow. "It's a nice evening. Enjoy the view."

"It's just a bunch of trees."

She turned and fixed me with one of those 'fucker' glares she now reserved for the guys she believed actually owned a pair of balls. After pushing her glasses further up the bridge of her nose, she gestured grandly. "It's more than a bunch of trees. This is a special, special place. I've grown up around this camp my entire life, and there's a magic here you don't know about, not yet. This place transforms you."

"Pssht. It's transformed me alright. A week ago I was a confident, happy, healthy young man. Now look at me."

She frowned at me, her forehead furrowed. "Why did you come here? Clearly, you're not happy. Aaron's right, maybe you're better off going home. No one here is a prisoner."

"-I- would be, if I tried to go home that is."

"What is THAT supposed to mean?"

I took a deep breath, picking my head up to see the bottom curve of the sun disappearing out of view. The people across the ridge had gone silent, but this last boulder was out of the way enough that if we kept our voices down, no one would really hear. "It's a long story."

"I've got time."

I glanced at her. "You're really interested?"

She shrugged. "Curious. I've been trying to figure you out for a couple of days. You don't really fit the type for a ranch hand around here."

"And you do? You know your way around camp, that's for sure, but most of the others are social creatures. You do a lot of observing, hanging in the background and not so much interacting. I've noticed that."

Another shrug. "I like trying to figure out what makes people tick: why they do the things they do, what is their motivation, and how that stuff forms who they are as a person."

"You a psych major?"

She laughed. "No, nothing like that. Just curious."

I mused on that for a moment, debating whether or not to tell her the truth. I could probably spin a fungible story, use the same one I gave Aaron and everyone else when they asked me the 'Why did you come here' question. It was the 'parents wanted me to build character' non-answer, and nobody had shown any interest in digging deeper.

But for some reason, I got the feeling Marie wasn't going to stop at so simple an explanation. And after pinching my lips together and taking one more deep breath, I finally said, "Long story short: I did something really bad back home and got sent here as punishment."

That got a raised eyebrow out of her, and she once again pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose with an index finger. "Punishment?"

"This is my community service. It was a sweetheart deal my dad worked out, and my alternative was going to jail. I'm one less mouth for the prison system to feed, and my paycheck goes to restitution, so it's a financial positive for the government. Bottom line: if I did decide to quit and go home, I wouldn't be going home; I'd be going to jail."

"Huh." Marie certainly wasn't expecting that explanation, and she turned her face forward.

I went silent at that point. No need to add further detail if it wasn't needed. That information alone made me look pretty bad, and it wasn't the sort of thing I would want becoming part of the camp rumor mill. As if my time here hadn't been miserable enough, having everyone around me know that I was this close to being a convicted felon would surely make my situation even less tolerable. And I wasn't even sure why I'd told her.

Maybe it was because I'd given up on Marie just as much as she'd given up on me. I was already so pathetic in her eyes that I knew I could sink no lower in her esteem. What infinitesimal chance I had of ever hooking up with her had already been wiped away. So what was the harm? It's not like I had to worry anymore about impressing her.

And in fact, I kinda felt better about my confession. If nothing else, at least ONE person in this place now knew precisely how much of a fuck-up I'd become. It was no longer a secret I had to keep entirely to myself. And one very small pebble had now fallen off the weight on my shoulders.

At least I felt better until Marie turned to look back at me. She had a look, an expression of deep, abiding disappointment on her face. It was the same kind of glare my dad had given me the day he found out what I'd done, and I found myself wilting beneath the heat of her disapproval.

Clapping a hand against my shoulder, Marie shook her head and then shook my shoulder. "Nick, you need to wake up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. You've been moping around this camp all week complaining and whining and bitching about everything you've had to do. But you don't realize how good you've got it. You don't realize how lucky you are to BE here."

"Huh?"

She now gave me a lopsided grin. "Look, I've never been in prison myself, but it can't be nearly as good as this. You're not on work detail. You're not dressed in an orange jumpsuit picking up trash on the freeways. You're not locked in a cinderblock eight-by-ten with a hulking bald man named Jasmine who's just waiting for you to bend over in the group showers. You are in one of the most beautiful and natural environments in the whole world, with clean air and genuinely nice people who don't want to butt-rape you. Wake up! WAKE. UP. And recognize that your time here isn't punishment. It's an opportunity."

I frowned at her. "An opportunity for what?"

She diverted her gaze over my shoulder and got a faraway look in her eyes. There was a stillness, a serenity about her as she gazed away somewhere else ... perhaps somewhen else. And with a deep breath, she sighed and said, "For a fresh start."



-------

Chapter 2: A Fresh Start


-- SEPTEMBER 26 --

"C'mon you landlubber! Put your back into it!" Aaron urged from behind me.

Setting the business end of my pitchfork on the ground, I turned and shot my roommate a look. "Landlubber?"

"Brace those halyards! Man off the port bow!" He gave me a goofy grin and shrugged. "We watched Pirates last night; whaddaya want from me?"

I rolled my eyes and then shoved my farm tool into one of the stacked bales of hay before me. And without looking I threw an entire bale at him, forcing Zoey to shout "Look out!" too late for my buddy to avoid having about twenty-five pounds of dry hay hit him in the side and knock him off balance.

"Dude! You so did not just do that!" Aaron promptly dug into his own pile and lofted a hay bale in my direction, only to have his face fall right as he watched his bale similarly fall a couple of feet short of me.

I just threw him a smug grin.

"No fair," Aaron grumbled. "You've spent your entire life carrying around forty pounds of excess fat. It's the only reason you're stronger than me."

My grin only got wider as we went back to work.

"Actually," Marie chirped from my left as she approached us. "I think you're getting stronger, period." She reached up and patted my left arm, but Zoey let out a teasing two-note whistle and Marie jerked her hand back like she'd accidentally stuck it into a hot toaster.

The blushing brunette backed off and composed herself before pointing rather business-like at the wheelbarrow beside me. "I think that's plenty, guys. Why don't you go ahead and bring it all into the stables."

I eyed my cart, judging the weight of the hay I'd already stacked there. With a shrug, I threw one more bale on top, then set down my pitchfork and went to stand between the two handlebars. Squatting down, I got a good grip and then stood up with a grunt of exertion, and then smiled at Marie as I trundled forward to wheel my load inside.

Zoey followed after. "I hate to admit it, but Marie's right. You ARE getting fitter, Nick."

"Nothin' like a little honest work to re-shape a man," I grunted as I continued waddling.

"Yeah – hnngh," Aaron grunted as he too lifted his wheelbarrow. "But your shape is still round."

Zoey reached out and pinched some of my love handle, which caused me to wobble and nearly lose my load. After steadying myself, I shot her a look while she gave me a 'What did I do?' expression of innocence. Rolling my eyes, I simply continued on and into the stables. And after parking my cart, I set about hoisting the 25-pound hay bales with my hands and re-stacking them against a wall.

When I was done, I looked around for my friends. Zoey was putting feed bags onto some of the horses, and Aaron was still unloading his hay. I took one step in Aaron's direction, intending to help him finish. But when I glanced around for Marie, I couldn't locate her and turned back the other way in curiosity.

"There, there. Easy, easy..." Marie's tender voice carried over from a nearby stall. At first glance, it appeared to be empty; but when I stepped to the half-door and peered over the edge, I finally saw them.

Marie was seated on the ground just inside the door, her legs together and folded to one side. A young colt stood in the straw before her, eyeing her carefully as she held up a grooming brush in her right hand.

"I'm not gonna hurt you. I'm just here to brush your coat ... Thaaat's it ... All gentle now. I'm not gonna hurt you. Just a tender caress here ... and a nice, easy stroke there ... See? That doesn't hurt a bit."

Marie kept talking, slowly and deliberately, repeating phrases and otherwise just keeping up her one-sided conversation so that the horse would get used to the sound of her voice. It seemed to be working, because the baby horse was letting her brush his coat. At least, he did right up until he noticed me out of the corner of his eyes, and with a start, the colt jerked away from Marie.

She sighed and then glanced up at me, fixing her glasses with an index finger up the bridge of her nose.

"Sorry, sorry," I apologized with both hands up in the air. "Didn't mean to disturb."

"That's okay," she replied with her eyes on the colt. "Nick is a nice man, and he's just here to bring you more straw. I know you'll like that, won't you Cilantro? You're just a baby, and I know you're anxious since your momma isn't around right now. But you can relax. Auntie Marie is taking good care of you, huh?"

Cilantro calmed down the more she kept talking. And although he kept an eye on me, the colt settled down and let Marie resume grooming him. Once the tension in the air evaporated, I decided it was a good time to get out of there. And as quietly as I could, I backed away and out of sight.

Further up the barn, I ran into Zoey. "Marie doing her horse whisperer-thing again?"

I cracked a smile and nodded. "She seems really good with them."

"I don't get it," Zoey shrugged. "She says she didn't grow up around horses or anything, apart from her vacations to come here. And she didn't have a clue what to do when we first started. But lately, she's gotten so good with them that our team leads keep assigning us to stable duty."

"Not really your cup of tea? I'm sure they could split you up from time to time. Aaron and I have gotten different work details every so often."

"Nah." She waved me off. "It's easy work. And I do think Norma is trying to put the ranch hands where they're best suited."

I rolled my eyes. "So what does that say about me and Aaron? We keep getting assigned manure duty."

"Speaking of which," Aaron said from behind her before goosing Zoey's ass.

"Hey! Fucker." She turned and slapped his arm.

Aaron just grinned. "Hope your new and improved biceps are up to the task. We've got a big pile of dung we need to shovel in twenty minutes."

I sighed. "Ah, shit."

-------

As one might expect, the worst thing about manure is the smell. The stuff isn't particularly heavy, and there were far more exhausting things we could be assigned to in this place. Personally, I would much rather shovel manure than clean the bathrooms or do kitchen work.

But of course, there was the smell. Hang around the crap long enough and it feels like the scent is working its way into your pores. It certainly soaked into our clothes, so much that even an hour after leaving the work behind, we still quite literally smelled like shit.

Aaron and I had quickly learned to take extra showers and change our clothes immediately after manure duty. We had a gazillion camp-labeled polo shirts for uniforms and one pair of khaki shorts is just as good as any other. So before dinner we hustled back to our bunkroom to get cleaned up.

"I call first," Aaron announced as we hit our room.

"What? You went first yesterday," I bitched.

"Then call 'first' tomorrow. Or go use the girls' bathroom. There's no one here."

I rolled my eyes and then weighed my options. These staff cabins had been built in the 1940s, back when indoor plumbing was a luxury for such a remote mountain retreat. Eight rooms with double occupancy meant that sixteen people were sharing two bathrooms, one at each end of the single main hallway. And each bathroom had only one shower.

Despite being a "family" camp, management hadn't segregated our particular cabin by gender. The four rooms on the west side were female and the four rooms on the east side were male. While this predictably led to a lot of extra-curricular fraternization between the sexes, the thin walls and close proximity also made it nearly impossible for physical intimacy without EVERYONE knowing about it. People hooking up tended to arrange a rendezvous elsewhere.

The point is: it only made sense for the west end bathroom to be for the girls and the east bathroom to be for the guys. But Aaron was right, the bathrooms themselves were identical and my choices were to wait for him or to just hop over to the west side and do my thing.

"Fine. Whatever." I stripped my smelly shirt off and grabbed my towel and bathroom kit. Aaron just gave me a head nod as he exited our room and turned right. And I made the relatively longer walk over to the left.

As always, it took a little while for the hot water to come on. I wasn't expecting all that much out of 1940's plumbing, not going from a cold start. But surprisingly, it came on faster than I would have expected. Perhaps the water heater was closer to this end of the building. I shook my head as I fully unclothed and then stepped into the spray. Somehow, someway, girls ALWAYS get the nicer bathrooms.

Anyway, I soaped up and shampooed (manure-smell is TWICE as bad in your hair), and I was just rinsing off when I heard the door open. "Ooh, thanks for getting the water warmed up," a female voice called. "I need a shower BAD and I can't WAIT to get out of these smelly clothes. Are you almost done?"

Now in retrospect, I should have announced my presence right away. The female in question would then have still been fully clothed, and the worst awkwardness could have been avoided.

But I panicked. I froze in place, not daring to say a word knowing that my voice would never pass for a woman's. My eyes went wide and my hearing sharpened as I went absolutely rigid beneath the shower spray, and my heart began racing while I heard the rather obvious sounds of clothes being stripped off someone's body just outside the floor-length curtain.

"Hey did you hear me? Are you almost done?" she repeated.

My jaw opened slightly, but no sounds came out. I blinked rapidly, my mind awhirl. What the fuck do I do? What the fuck do I do?

My conscience was no help to me. No brilliant strategies or situation-defusing words came to mind. I simply froze there, unable to react. And then the girl outside decided to take matters into her own hands as she reached in and pulled the curtain aside.

"EEEK!" Deedee squealed in shock when she saw me. She jerked backward, her right hand flailing out and accidentally tugging the curtain even farther to the side.

My own reaction was to cover my crotch with both hands, my eyes impossibly getting even wider in shock. And NOW my brain decided to start spitting words into my brain.

Boobs! Boobs! Boobs!

And Deedee certainly had a pair of them. I didn't know enough to judge based purely on sight whether they were truly Double-D's, but they were certainly big, especially on her slender frame. And one thing I now knew for sure: Zoey had been dead wrong. These perfect melons were ALL real.

The gorgeous blonde had undressed down to just her panties, her clothes folded neatly on the bench beside her. Her hands first went up and to her sides in fright, giving me that wonderful view of her naked tits. But then a second later she used her arms to cover herself as she shrieked, "What the FUCK are you DOING in here?!?"

Words finally filled my mouth. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry. I thought no one was here and Aaron called first on the other shower and I didn't want to wait around so I thought I could just come in here and then get out and--"

"GET OUT!" she screamed, latching onto those words. "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

I got out. Wet, naked, and petrified, I darted out of the shower and scrambled out the door. I forgot my towel, my shorts, and my bathroom kit. I left everything behind in a mad dash through the hallway. And I barely glanced at Priscilla, Deedee's roommate, who had come out of her bunkroom to see what the commotion was about and now stood in her doorway with one hand over her mouth, trying not to laugh TOO hard at the schlubby, naked man hustling through the cabin with his hands over his crotch.

Whether it was his fault or not, I was going to KILL Aaron.

Either that, or I was calling 'first' for the rest of the year.

-------

"Hey, you got a minute?"

I recognized the voice immediately and my spine stiffened. I'd been sitting on a battered vinyl armchair in the staff lounge, sipping my Diet Coke when Aaron had suddenly gone quiet on the seat in front of me. We hadn't been talking about "the shower incident", not in a public place like this. But our attempts to make small talk about anything else had not been very successful, and so I was still rather on edge.

Setting my drink down, I turned and looked up at Deedee. From this angle, her big tits actually obscured the lower portion of her face, but I forced myself to look past them and nod. "Yeah."

"Wanna go for a walk?" Her eyes tracked over to Aaron before coming back to me. "Just the two of us."

I gulped. "Uh, sure."

The conversation around us died down as I got to my feet and followed her out. I was fairly certain that nobody outside of Aaron and Priscilla knew what had happened this afternoon, but it was so unexpected for Deedee to be asking ME to go for a walk that everyone around us had taken notice. After all, Deedee was the hottest girl on staff who STILL hadn't hooked up with any of her many more desirable suitors, and I was ... well ... me.

We left the building and then turned down the hill. I let her lead, but stayed about a pace back on her right side as we rounded the Main Lodge and started on the path toward the lake. This route was the most heavily traveled in the camp, and even though we were now officially in autumn there were still some guests around, although nothing like the peak summer season before Labor Day had been.

We walked in silence as Deedee pulled up the zipper on her vest, not to remove her cleavage from sight (I think) but because the temperature was rapidly falling, as it did every evening around this time. Of course, she could have been feeling uncomfortable around the sick pervert she'd caught in the women's bathroom; but I was hoping not, else she wouldn't have come out here with me alone.

When we got to the lake, we saw six guests playing sand volleyball off to the right. One of them beckoned and invited us to join them. We were no longer in uniform, and it wasn't uncommon for the staff to mingle with the guests like that during our off-time. But Deedee waved them off and turned us to the left, walking us almost halfway around the lake before stopping at a little outcropping of boulders.

Perching herself on one, Deedee gestured to another for me to sit. I did so obediently and looked around. There wasn't another human being in sight except for the volleyball players almost directly across the lake, and they certainly were well out of hearing range. And as she took a deep breath before speaking, I braced myself for a sharp rebuke.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I should have handled that better."

My head picked up and I looked at her in surprise. Blinking twice, I stammered for a second before getting out, "You're... You're sorry?"

She gave me a shrug and a wan smile before nodding.

"I, uh..." I began before furrowing my eyebrows and taking a moment to get my bearings. "You, you have nothing to apologize for. I was the one in the girls' bathroom. I'm the one who should be apologizing."

"Well, maybe. But you tried to explain yourself, I just wasn't listening at the time."

"Yeah, well, that's understandable given that we were both rather, uh ... naked."

She blushed and looked down. Damn she looked cute when she did that. The vision of her naked breasts suddenly popped into mind, but I shook my head to clear it and focused myself on her blue eyes.

"Really, -I- should be apologizing," I began. "When I heard you come in, I should have said something immediately, before you started getting undressed. Like, 'Hey, I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be in here but my roommate is using the other shower and I thought no one would be here.' Something like that."

"Yeah, that probably would have been much easier to handle," Deedee giggled and nodded. But then she gave me a coy wink and added, "But then you would have missed your chance to ogle all this."

I let my eyes follow her hands up and down her body as she gestured to herself. Once again, that vision of her naked breasts sprang to mind. "I ... uh..." I fumbled, unable to process a thought coherently for a few seconds. And then squeezing my eyes shut, I forced myself to breathe before saying with my eyes still closed, "It was spectacular; I won't deny it. But I'm still sorry. It was an accident and I didn't mean for that to happen."

"It's okay. I'm actually not all that bashful about my body; you just surprised me, that's all." She suddenly sat up straight and held a palm out to me. "Not that I make a point of flashing myself to every guy I see or anything."

"'Course not."

She chuckled. "Besides, I got to see you in all your glory too."

"Oh, right," I drawled. "Big thrill there, checking out the tubbiest chunk of lard working at this camp."

"Oh, you're not that bad, especially in the last couple of weeks. You're really getting into shape, and I actually think you're pretty cute."

That raised my eyebrows. "Me? I think you're confusing me with one of the many handsome, muscular young studs around this camp."

She turned her head and waved a hand dismissively. "Guys are guys. They all just want one thing."

I chuckled and nodded, muttering, "Yeah. You."

Her head snapped around to me, and suddenly I felt those blue eyes boring into the back of my skull. "What do you mean by that?"

I winced, realizing that I'd spoken without thinking. Holding my hands up defensively, I said, "I'm sorry. I don't mean any offense."

"What DID you mean?"

I took a deep breath, and then dropped my hands back into my lap. I eyed her face, noting the sudden curiosity in her expression and frowned. "Surely you've noticed how almost every guy here is constantly checking you out."

She blushed and averted her gaze. "Not every guy."

"Most of them."

"You included?"

Now it was my turn to blush as I turned my head. But then after another deep breath I forced myself to look straight at her and admit, "Sure. You're beautiful, but then you already know that. You're a comfortable flirt, you've even been doing it with me right here, despite what happened in the shower this afternoon. But even more alluring to everyone is that you AREN'T hooking up with anyone. You're friendly, you're nice, and if you just crooked your finger you could get almost any guy in this place to obey your every whim. But you don't. You just kind of glide through this place as if you barely even realize just how much people are staring at you. That's a mystery, and I have to be honest, when we guys get to talking, a lot of them wonder what it would take for THEM to be the first guy to actually hook up with you."

She scowled. "You make it sound like I'm a prize to be ... scored."

I grimaced. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like that. It's not like there's a competition for somebody to be the first to nail you. I meant romantically: like a boyfriend, or even just a date."

She shook her head. "Not interested."

"So I've heard. But you're single? No boyfriend waiting for you back home?"

Looking out across the water, she sighed. "Ex. And not a very good breakup."

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault."

"So is that why you're not interested in dating? Still getting over your last relationship?"

"Something like that." She took a deep breath. "I just ... I just needed to get away, you know? Too many things back home reminding me of him, reminding me of us, what we once were. Spending a year up here wasn't what I had always been planning on, but after the breakup it seemed like a good place to re-boot and get my head straight again. And I really don't want all the complications of dating or otherwise getting involved with a new guy."

"Well, I guess that answers that question."

"What question?"

I gave her a lopsided grin. "Whether or not you were a lesbian."

She gave me an equally lopsided grin and threw in a wink. "Technically, you don't know that."

Suddenly, a new image sprang to mind, that of Deedee's supple round breasts ... being sucked on by Priscilla, her cutie Asian roommate. I blinked twice and forced myself to keep my focus. "Uh, with an ex-boyfriend, you at least weren't a lesbian. 'Bisexual', I guess, is still an option."

"Or maybe my bad experience with him turned me into a dyke."

"Sure." I chuckled and shook my head, not believing we were having this conversation. Already, Deedee had spoken twice as many words to me in the past several minutes than she had in the entire month we'd been working together.

"But what about you?"

I frowned in confusion. "What about me?"

She eyed me carefully, one eyebrow arched as she said slowly, "You were saying that ALL the guys want me and everyone is wondering what it would take to hook up with me and all that. I have to admit, I HAVE noticed a lot of male attention, and I'm kinda used to that. But not from you. In a month, you haven't made a single pass at me, unless you planned your little shower surprise as a mastermind way to get me to go on this walk with you."

"Uh, no." I blushed and averted my eyes.

"So what about you? Why haven't YOU tried to hook up with me?" A wide grin spread across her face and she leaned forward conspiratorially. "Are you gay?"

My eyes flew open and I held my hands up. "No, no. Nothing like that."

"Didn't think so. Can't help but notice where your eyes keep going, even with my girls fully zipped up and all." She patted the bulges denting out the chest of her sweater for emphasis.

I let my eyes drop to "her girls", sighed, and then brought my gaze back up to her face. Her question still hung in the air – why I didn't make a pass at her – and though I knew the reason, it wasn't the sort of thing to feel good about.

She waited me out. She kept her gaze on me as I turned to look at the lake, across the lake, to the trees beyond, or anywhere ELSE besides looking at her. But with one final sigh, I returned my eyes to hers and admitted, "Well, uh, you're kinda out of my league."

She blinked. "Why, because you think you're fat?"

I shrugged. "Call it a lifetime of experience. Girls don't exactly find me all that appealing."

Her look turned sympathetic, and after a moment of awkward silence between us, she reached forward and patted my knee. "Well -I- like you. You're easy to talk to, you're not pretentious, and you don't have a massive ego like some of the blowhards around here."

I snorted and shook my head. "Shoulda seen me a couple of months ago; I had ego aplenty. Getting dumped here in the middle of nowhere out of shape and lacking all the necessary qualities for being a good ranch hand made sure to kill that."

She giggled musically and gave me another room-lighting smile. "At least you've got a sense of humor about it. I like to think I'm a pretty good judge of character, and after just a few minutes sitting here talking to you, I think you, Nick Campbell, are a really nice guy."

I blinked in surprise, not just because she said she liked me but also that she even knew my full name.

"So apart from the 'out of your league' thing, which I think is bullshit by the way," she continued. "Would you be one of the guys hitting on me? I mean, maybe in a couple of months if you get in shape and get some confidence in yourself and happen to be feeling horny, are you going to make a pass at me then?"

I raised my eyebrows, surprised by her question. Two months ago? Absolutely I would have made a pass at her. I'd have talked to her about my high-paying job and the Malibu beach house and found some way to subtly flash the keys to my Benz. But not anymore. I didn't have the job, the beach house, OR the Benz. All I had left was ... me. And the me that was left didn't have a prayer, even IF she thought I was a "nice guy".

It was sobering to realize just how undesirable I really was, but then that was a realization I'd already come to grips with. I had absolutely NO chance with Deedee, and knowing that gave me a sense of calm. With a shrug, I explained, "First of all, getting into good enough shape that I don't feel like Mr. Potato Head next to these gym rats? I kinda doubt that. But even if it happened, no, I wouldn't make a pass at you."

She gave me that lopsided grin again. "Sure you're not gay?"

I chuckled. "I'm sure. I have a better reason."

"What's that?"

"You just told me you're getting over your ex-boyfriend and you don't want the complications of hooking up with a new guy. I won't mess with that." I shrugged again and gave her a wry smile. "I guess you can at least count on ONE guy in this camp to not be angling to get into your pants."

She gave me a very frank look, surprised by my response. Blinking slowly, she held my gaze as those blue eyes seemed to be digging into the back of my skull once again. "You really mean that?"

"Sure." I nodded before exhaling slowly. "Not like I had a chance with you anyway."

She blushed and looked away for a second before rolling her eyes and slapping the side of my arm. "Get off that, will you? Any girl that ends up with you is getting a catch. I just know it."

I sighed. "Well, that makes one of us."

-------

I felt a half-dozen pairs of eyes zero in on us the moment we stepped into view of the Main Lodge. I didn't know whether to feel some measure of pride that I got to walk alone alongside the hottest girl in camp, or to feel embarrassed that she stood a good couple of feet apart from me with her arms across her chest.

In any case, once we got to a fork in the road, she gave me a polite but dismissive "See ya around" and then turned right, heading back up the hill toward the staff cabins. I hesitated for a moment, half-wanting to follow her, but instead I tried to keep my gait as smooth as possible and continued heading straight for the Main Lodge. It was almost dinnertime, and I could see that my friends were waiting for me.

Zoey was the first to approach me, stepping off the porch and coming over to meet me with the other two in tow. About fifteen feet from the deck, she began coolly, "So? Have a nice little conversation with Dolly Bigtits?"

I glanced over at Aaron, the look in my eye questioning just how much he'd told the girls. Aaron shrugged helplessly and explained, "They wanted to know where you went. All I could tell them was that Deedee showed up in the lounge and asked you to go for a walk."

"Nothing else? Not what happened before?" I asked with raised eyebrows.

Aaron blushed but shook his head. "Nah, man. Figured that story better come straight from you."

Marie looked puzzled. "Something happened before?"

I glanced up and noticed that some of the other ranch hands were standing at the deck railing, still within earshot and looking down at us. Gesturing to my friends, I started walking away from the main lodge and off the trail, getting us to a somewhat more private location.

Once we settled down around a fallen log and a couple of boulders, Zoey spoke up again. "Okay, spill it."

"Nothing happened."

"Riiight. You and the blonde bimbo just decided to go for a pleasure cruise."

"Hey, what's with all the name-calling? What the hell did Deedee ever do to you?"

"What?" Zoey flung her hands out. "Is it suddenly off-limits to make fun of big-titted sluts?"

I shook my head. "In a month, exactly what has she done to make you think she's a slut?"

Zoey gave me a hard look. "Wow, must have been some little walk. Twenty minutes and she's got Mister Big Shot here coming to defend her reputation!"

I rolled my eyes and looked to the others while jerking a thumb back at Zoey. "Is it just me, or is Zoey here turning green with envy?"

Aaron chuckled. "I think it's jealousy, bro. Lilith Fair here secretly digs you, and she doesn't like another chick horning in on her man."

Zoey turned around and backhanded him in the chest.

"She has a point, though," Marie spoke up quietly. "Zoey's been calling Deedee names ever since we got here. This is the first time you've said anything about it."

"Hmph," Zoey grunted. "So what's up?"

I shook my head. "Fine, you wanna know the truth? Deedee dragged me into the bushes for a quickie and we fucked like bunnies. Happy?"

Now Zoey rolled her eyes. "You? Yeah, right. You're in much better shape than when you started, but don't start getting delusions of grandeur."

Aaron spoke up. "What really happened?"

I shrugged and took a deep breath. "Okay, it starts with me and Aaron on manure duty."

"Clearly, the quickest path to boinking Miss Bigtits," Zoey drawled.

I chuckled and shook my head. I explained to the girls about the shower-incident, which Aaron confirmed. Everyone had a good laugh over the imagery of me running buck naked down the hallway with my hands over my private parts. I embellished the amount of love handle flab I had jiggling the whole way down. And finally I got down to Deedee asking me to go for a walk.

"She just wanted to give me an earful about why the hell I was in the girls' shower. I apologized. She wanted to apologize for overreacting. And that's it. End of story."

Aaron leaned forward. "But dude, did you get to see her naked?" Zoey slapped his arm, and Aaron grumbled, "What?"

"No," I lied, looking away. "She was still dressed, of course."

"Fuck," Aaron groaned. "All that embarrassment and it's Opportunity Fucking Wasted."

"Hey! Language, doofus," Zoey admonished with another slap to the arm.

"And she didn't come onto you while you were off on your little walk?" Marie asked for clarification.

I shook my head wryly. "Of course not. Look at me. A snowball's got a better chance in hell."

-------

-- OCTOBER 3 --

"Ready? On three. One ... two ... THREE!"

"UNGH!" From a squatting position, I lifted up while making sure to use my big hamstring muscles for power and to keep my back straight. The heavy weight in my palms fought back with every ounce of gravity, but the conglomeration of two-by-fours and two-by-sixes was actually lighter than I was expecting. With a couple of great groans, I did a clean and jerk, finally thrusting the top end of the wall frame over my head and forward, following it with my feet as Aaron to one side and Edwin to the other helped guide the eight-foot tall assembly into place.

The tourist season had just ended, and in years past Morris Camp would simply let all of its summer staff go and re-hire them next spring. Not so this year. Yeah, most of the experienced summer regulars had left to go back to school or their full-time jobs or just gone home. But this very first ranch hand program would have us new recruits and selected "team leads" working all year around the place: learning, renovating, and generally taking personal ownership of the camp. By next spring, we would all be MORE than just your typical summer staff, or so the hope was. As a grand experiment, it was worth a shot, and heaven knows they weren't spending a whole lot of money on us.

Under the supervision of a licensed contractor, four of us guys had started last week to help build a brand new cabin for the camp. From start to finish, the job would take us from now until the snows came; and while construction wasn't the most exciting work, it sure as hell beat manure duty. Plus, I was learning many new things, especially that a constructed building is a lot less complicated - and less intimidating - than I used to think. And I had to admit, I could see myself feeling rather proud of the work I'd accomplished once the shed was done.

For years, I'd scoffed with some disdain at the kind of people who used their vacation time to do things like Habitat for Humanity or the Peace Corp. We lived in a modern world that ran on money. Sure, money might not buy you happiness, but a lack of money certainly could lead to unhappiness. I'd been raised in a life of privilege, and couldn't imagine growing up worrying about how expensive it was to go to Disneyland or Magic Mountain as a kid. I never wanted to have to think about how much I was spending on that Starbucks venti every morning. And I never wanted to hesitate to buy something I really liked only out of concern that I might not be able to afford it.

I could have majored in anything I wanted once I got to college. I held a certain fondness for history, my childhood imagination awash with pirate stories and naval battles from the Phoenicians to the Battle of Trafalgar. But history majors don't make money. They become librarians if they're lucky, coffee baristas if they're not. Economics was quite literally where the money was at, and although my consulting day job worked me close to ninety hours a week, I was making eighty grand by my second year.

To blow one's vacation by doing good for others? That was for dirty hippies out of touch with the real world. Vacations were for living it up, and if I was ever to find myself doing work, I'd damn well be getting paid for it.

Except for now. Here, it didn't matter WHAT I did; I would be getting paid the same (zero). Shoveling manure, waiting on guests, or building a cabin: it didn't really matter. I was stuck here until my time was up, a jail sentence in all but name. Short of quitting and ending up in a REAL jail, my only option was to bide my time and keep myself occupied as best I could.

It hadn't ALL been bad. Yeah, I wasn't really a fan of the manure, but there really were worse ways I could be spending my time. And after spending my entire career literally making money from nothing but thin air, actually BUILDING something with my own two hands was pretty cool. I liked it. Sure, it wasn't quite like building a home for some disadvantaged family in Venezuela, but for the first time I could understand the appeal.

I held the frame in place while the other guys went to work securing it, and I took a breather while patting the wood. "For once, I actually feel like I'm creating something worthwhile," I mumbled to myself.

"You say something?" Edwin picked his head up and gave me a funny look.

I blushed a little but shook my head. "Nah. Just thinking out loud."

"Don't do that. Might strain something," Aaron quipped.

Still holding onto the beams, I extended my middle finger to flip him the bird. Everyone chuckled and we moved on.

About two hours later, we wrapped up for the day. Aaron, Edwin, and Shawn decided to head straight for the staff lounge and cool off with a few sodas. I, on the other hand, opted to return to the staff cabin to change clothes. While the majority of ranch hands were accustomed to being in the outdoors and didn't seem to mind the progressively ripe aromas of their fellow co-workers, I was far too conscious of my own B.O. and had to at least change my shirt and put on some fresh deodorant, even when I wasn't on manure duty.

Once finished, I could already taste the ice-cold Diet Coke in my mouth, and so I was in a bit of a hurry as I popped the front door open and strode through. The door suddenly jerking to a halt accompanied by a high-pitched yelp stopped me in my tracks. And wincing at the realization I'd just hit somebody, I grabbed onto the door to steady it and peered around.

Marie stood on the other side, holding her forehead with one hand. She dropped the hand and grimaced at me, squeezing her left eye shut, and I then noticed that her ever-present glasses were missing from her face.

"Oh, shit. Sorry, Marie!" I blundered, stepping around the door and scanning the porch. "I'll get your glasses."

"Oh. Right," she mumbled before wheeling in place. She actually spotted them before me, turning and squatting to pick them up. They appeared no worse for wear, and after rubbing the lenses with her thumb she popped them back on and pushed them up the bridge of her nose with one finger.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't see you," I apologized profusely before noticing a reddish vertical line on the left side of her forehead. "Shit," I exclaimed and leaned in to look at it more closely.

She caught my gaze and asked, "Is there a mark?"

"Uh, yeah. Marie, really. I'm SO sorry. I--"

"It's alright, it's alright." She gave me a crooked smile. "I'm tougher than I look."

I grimaced, but took a deep breath and nodded. She was handling things better than I was, and I forced myself to calm down and be less of a weenie. Stepping aside, I re-opened the door and held it for her. Gesturing in, I said, "I, uh ... I believe you were heading that way."

She barked a short laugh and nodded as she entered. Two steps in, though, she turned back and said, "Hey, wait up for me. We can walk down together."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Uh, sure." Dumbly, I followed her back into the cabin and down the hall.

Two rooms down and on the left, she opened her door and then paused. Glancing back at me, she arched an eyebrow and asked, "Were you planning to come inside and watch me change?"

I blinked twice and blushed red. Jerking a thumb back down the hall, I mumbled for a second before rubbing the back of my head. "I, uh ... I'll just wait outside."

She laughed. "Sure thing."

I turned and walked out, trying to appear calm and relaxed and certain I had never walked more awkwardly in my life.

Once back on the porch outside the front door, I took a deep breath and promptly facepalmed.

-------

Marie emerged a couple of minutes later, wearing a thick blue and white plaid button-down over a white T-shirt and her dark hair loose over her shoulders instead of her usual ponytail. Setting her right hand onto the guard rail, she bounced happily off the porch and onto the dirt beside me.

"You look pretty happy for a girl who just got her forehead bashed in," I commented, relieved that I hadn't somehow ruined her day.

She flashed me a winning smile, and not for the first time I found myself marveling at how pretty she was when she wasn't frowning or otherwise keeping her guard up. "I've had a good day."

"So tell me about it."

Giving me a smile and a nod, she reached up and grabbed my forearm. "Okay, but not at the lounge. Too crowded."

I licked my lips momentarily at that Diet Coke I'd already fantasized about, but shrugged the craving aside. Dinner would be in an hour anyway, and opportunities to hang out and chat with nice-looking females were rare enough for me as it was. Especially when said female was holding onto my arm.

Marie dropped my arm two steps onto the trail, though. She stuck her thumbs into her jeans pockets and sort of ambled aimlessly on a path that took us around the periphery of the camp instead of down the main road toward the lodge.

I fell into step alongside her and waited. She still had that smile on her face as she gazed up at the afternoon sunbeams cutting down at an angle through the foliage. We walked for a couple of minutes in silence, none of it awkward, passing a few other cabins as we left the staff section and moved amongst the now-empty guest quarters. She was looking left and right as if lost in some happy memories, and I was content simply to watch her.

"I ever tell you I've been coming here for as long as I can remember?" she finally spoke.

I shrugged. "So has just about everybody else working here, except me."

She chuckled. "Not everybody, but yeah, a lot of lifers here. It's a magical place, worth coming back to."

I nodded like I understood. Morris Camp sure as hell beat jail, but I still thought it could use a few enhancements, like plasma televisions, Wi-Fi, and central air. Oh, and more showers.

She caught my look and laughed. "Oh, that's right. I'm talking to the guy who is only here by mandated court order."

"It's a nice place," I stated almost defensively. "Good weather. Fresh air. No butt-pirates hunting me in the showers."

She cracked a fresh smile and gestured around. "There's so much LIFE. The trees, the birds. And hey, even a deer!" Marie started pointing excitedly, and as I tracked her finger, sure enough I saw a deer that had peeked through the foliage behind a cabin on our left, not fifteen feet away from us.

Both of us went dead silent, unmoving as we watched the deer cautiously scope us out for a minute before deciding that we weren't a threat. It came closer, taking about three steps forward before coming to a halt and turning its head back. And moments later, a baby came through the bushes to join its mother.

Marie inhaled sharply and backed up, bumping into my chest. I reached up and held her shoulder to steady her, and then we just watched silently as the pair moved through our camp and headed further off to the left. I didn't know enough about deer to be able to tell how old the baby was, but it didn't look like it could have been born any earlier than this spring.

Watching the deer, I actually forgot that Marie had been pressed up against me until she stepped away, following after the pair that were now heading away from us. We watched them go until they disappeared behind another cabin, and a few heartbeats after they were gone, Marie spun around and smiled at me with the widest grin. "See? LIFE."

I smiled and nodded at our little close encounter. "That certainly was one of the coolest things I've ever seen."

Marie's smile threatened to explode, like she had so much happy energy inside that she just couldn't contain it anymore. She started hopping from foot to foot, almost jogging in place and waggling her head side to side. Her hair danced with her movements and she finally jerked herself straight while clapping her hands together just under her chin with her elbows tucked in against her sides. "Oh, this has been SUCH a great day!"

"What on EARTH happened to you?" I couldn't help grinning myself, her joy was so infectious.

She shook her head, her eyes dancing as she looked past me where the deer had gone. And without warning, she suddenly shot her hands over my shoulders and jumped onto me, wrapping her legs around my waist and hugging my neck so fiercely I momentarily worried she'd choke off my air supply.

It was all I could do just to hold onto her. And I started chuckling as I marveled over the transformation in the girl I'd thought I was beginning to understand. Quiet? Marie. Deliberate? Marie. Defensive? Marie. Where had this little bundle of joy and energy come from?

In any case, I was just glad that Joyous Marie had come out, and I rather enjoyed that she was climbing all over me. She was not a small girl, but I held her weight up with relative ease, making sure to keep my hands under her legs and not on her ass. She'd been giggling uncontrollably, happy and relaxed. And as she now calmed down and regained a little of her composure, she pulled her chin back from over my shoulder and looked at me.

Her glasses were a little crooked, but through them I could see straight into her clear blue eyes. With a goofy smile, she seemed to only now realize our physical positions, and with raised eyebrows she mumbled, "Uh, sorry about this. Guess I got a little carried away."

"Anytime," I replied with a grin, lifting her up a few more inches and resettling her weight more comfortably against my body. "I got you."

Her eyeballs clicked back and forth, scanning me for a moment. We were both breathing hard, her from her excitement and me from being caught up in her excitement as well as the exertion of holding her. Her gaze dropped down to my mouth briefly, then back up into my eyes. She took a breath and opened her mouth as if to say something, and--

"Wow! Never expected this. Especially from you, Marie."

The voice startled both of us, and I suddenly dropped Marie six inches. She got her feet down, though, and once I was sure she wasn't going to fall, I let go of her legs and backed away. We both turned to see Deedee standing on the path before us, the busty blonde evidently returning from work somewhere in that direction and on her way back to the staff cabins.

Marie was the first to start stammering, "What? No, no. That ... We're just ... We're just friends."

"Right," I nodded, blushing bright pink I was sure. "There was a deer and its baby and we got a little excited and--"

"There's nothing between us," Marie insisted, her old defensive personality coming back to the fore.

Deedee just smirked as she looked back and forth at us. "If you say so. It's okay though. You two DO seem to get along really well. You know, I'm sorry for interrupting. I'll just head off that way and leave you two alone." She pointed to the path behind us leading back to the staff area and started forward.

"No, no. It's okay." Marie waved her off. "I should be getting to the staff lounge. Zoey will be waiting for me."

"No, Marie. You never told me about today and--"

"Later, later. I'll ... uh ... see you later, Nick. We'll talk later." She was half-turned away from me already, and without another word, she was gone.

I looked after her for a long minute, wondering what the hell had just happened. The next thing I knew, Deedee had stepped up alongside me and elbowed me in the side. "Sorry about that. The last thing I wanted to do is cockblock you."

I turned to look at her, "What? No, no. Really, we're just friends. Zero romantic chemistry between Marie and me."

Deedee raised an eyebrow. "That's what I thought, but then I turn the corner and you two are..."

I waved her off. "Really, there's nothing between us."

"Well, okay then." Deedee turned to face me, a wide smile on her face. "That makes this much easier."

"Makes what easier?"

She crossed her arms beneath her breasts, lifting them and squeezing her cleavage into a deep line clearly visible over the low cut neckline of her shirt. "I've got a proposition for you."

-------

I stood there with my eyebrows furrowed, my juvenile mind instantly jumping to vulgar conclusions regarding the busty blonde's "proposition", which I discarded immediately. For her part, Deedee scanned the trail in both directions before suddenly taking me by the hand and leading me over to the nearest cabin.

I figured she just wanted a little more privacy, and by sheltering against a cabin we would feel less exposed. But I underestimated just how much privacy she was looking for, as she led us around the cabin and further away from the main trail until we came to a smaller cabin half-hidden amongst a grove of trees. Scanning the area once more, she hopped us onto the porch and then dug into the pocket of her rather tight shorts.

"Master key," she explained while holding up a silver Schlage. Fitting it to the lock, she quickly got us inside and closed the door behind us.

The main room of this particular cabin had a westward-facing window, so we were catching some of the Sun's fading afternoon rays; but it was still pretty dark and I gestured toward the light switch.

Deedee shook her head in the negative, so I sighed and shrugged, asking, "Okay, what's this about?"

She stepped forward. I don't know if she did it intentionally or not, but the diagonal slash of orange light cut straight across her torso as if to put a spotlight on her bounteous bosom. And just as I caught myself dropping my gaze to her tits, she explained in a quiet but firm voice, "I want you to fuck me."

There was no liquid in my mouth, but somehow I still did a spit take. Choking on my own saliva, I began coughing and pounding my chest with the thumb-side of my right fist. Deedee quickly stepped over to me and patted my back, giving me a concerned look. I stared back at her, a little bleary-eyed. But I fought to regain control of my breathing and soon enough managed to stop choking, although I was still breathing hard. Gulping, I raised my eyebrows and said, "Run that by me again? I don't think I heard you quite right the first time."

She smiled and shifted her hips, a motion which somehow did wonderful things for her cleavage in the V-neck sweater. And putting one hand on her hip while giving me a rather coy look, she repeated quite calmly, "I want you to fuck me."

I stared at her, dumbfounded, for five very long seconds. Then shaking my head as I tried to clear the cobwebs, I said, "Okay, one more time. I still don't think I'm getting this right."

Giggling, Deedee stepped up into my personal space and placed both palms on my chest. She looked at her hands for just a second before flicking her eyes up to meet mine. And canting her head to the side, she gave me a new brilliant smile and repeated very slowly, "I. Want. You. To. Fuck. Me."

Now I stared at her for TEN seconds. I processed her words, repeating them over and again while realizing that they did not compute. I knew my worth. I'd had my worth beaten into me time and again over the last month or so, and the fact was that I didn't measure up. Just about every other male working here would be a more attractive mate, and probably a few of the females too. Plus, we had just talked about this a week ago after "The Shower Incident", and I'd promised not to make a pass at her.

Was that why? My throat feeling dry, I managed to ask that. "Why me?"

The tip of her tongue came out and snaked across the underside of her upper lip. I felt my boxers get tighter. "Why not you?"

"Deedee," I pleaded. "Don't mess with me."

She giggled and shook her head. "I'm not messing with you. I'm serious."

"So back to my original question," I began, beginning to get my legs under me again. "Why me?"

"Because I like you."

My eyebrows shot up, while my chin dropped down. "Really. Uh-huh." My tone was full of skepticism.

She nodded. "Really."

My eyes narrowed as my brain started to catch up. "But you didn't ask me out. You didn't try to seduce me or flirt with me or otherwise express any romantic interest in me. You just dragged me in here and told me you want me to fuck you."

"Is that a problem?"

"Just trying to understand. You DID say a week ago that you didn't want the complications of dating or a new boyfriend."

She took a deep breath and sighed, dropping her hands from my chest and turning around. Pacing around the room, she disappeared into the shadows for a second before moving by the window and looking outward. Facing away from me, she hugged herself and explained, "I don't want the complications. I don't want the headache and the neediness and the constant, cloying demands for attention."

She spun around, the backlit illumination making her blonde hair look like a halo around her. Canting her head, she dropped her hug and raised her hands up to her sides. "But I'm horny. I'm a beautiful girl who is used to getting a regular pounding, and I've already gone two months without cock. And I've decided that I want yours, if you'll let me."

I blinked in surprise, my male brain able to understand her rationale of wanting the sex without commitment, but still unable to comprehend why she wanted me. "So back to my original question."

"Why you."

I nodded.

"I've been checking out all the guys around here, at least the ones I'm actually attracted to and are single." My eyebrows went up again and she giggled. "Yes, you fit the category of a guy I'm attracted to."

I hefted my belly.

She laughed again. "You're cute, you know that? And you're getting in much better shape than you give yourself credit for. But seriously, you need to stop with all the self-deprecation or I might actually get annoyed by it."

I stood up straight, sucked in my gut, and puffed out my chest, striking a pose.

"Better." She grinned, and then started walking back to me. "In all sincerity, I am attracted to you. You're tall, strong, and you have big feet." Her eyebrows waggled at the mention of my feet. "Even more, I really think you're the kind of guy who can keep this our private little secret. I've been watching you, and you're not a blabbermouth. You don't have a big ego to stroke, like a need to go crowing to the world that you nailed me."

"And..." I interrupted as my head rose up with a new self-realization. "Even if people were to suspect you were sneaking off for some nookie, I'm the absolute LAST guy in this place people would think you were doing it with."

Even in the dim light, I could see Deedee blush. "Well, the thought HAD occurred to me."

Despite what she was proposing, and despite her insistence that I stop with the self-deprecation, this knowledge was still a blow to my ego. "So if I turn you down, you go straight to the next closest sad-sack loser?"

She looked hurt, and folded her arms across her chest. "No. That's not it at all."

I gave her a skeptical look.

"I mean it." She reached out and touched my arm. "I don't have a Plan B; I picked you."

I kept looking at her skeptically, waiting to see if she'd crack.

She did turn away a bit, blushing again. "Actually, it didn't really occur to me that you might turn me down."

I winced, letting my eyes scan up and down her body. "Well ... you ARE hot."

She gave me a hopeful smile and shrugged. "Yeah, I know..."

I took a deep breath, turning the situation over in my head. I hadn't actually given her an answer, but the reality was that I already knew I would never turn her down. My disbelief at being chosen aside, an insanely gorgeous blonde Playboy playmate was asking me to be her fuck-buddy. The Morris Camp Nick I'd become wasn't so different from Malibu/Hollywood Nick to reject her offer. Fuck, even Martina wasn't as beautiful as Deedee.

Exhaling slowly, I found that she was waiting me out. Nodding my head, I finally managed to say, "Okay. I'm in."

"Really?"

I let my eyes rove quite obviously up and down her delectably-stacked body. "Uh, yeah. I'm sure."

"Great!" She immediately pounced on me, jumping up into my arms and wrapping her legs around my waist the same way Marie had done just a few minutes ago.

Marie. The thought of her gave me pause.

Deedee felt my hesitation and pulled her head back. Still wrapped around me, she gave me a quizzical look. "You sure you're up for this?"

"Uh, yeah. Just a little nervous, that's all."

She gave me a more scrutinizing look. "Are you a virgin?"

"What?" I sputtered and nearly dropped her, stumbling around for a moment before setting her down on her feet. She backed up two steps and pulled her blonde hair behind her ears with both hands as she stood up. "No, no. Of course not," I stated firmly.

"Pity, I would have enjoyed teaching you." She flashed me a predatory grin that was all lust, crossing her arms beneath her breasts to lift them for me.

"I know what I'm doing," I said with a little less confidence than I would have liked, my eyes yo-yoing down to her cleavage once again. "Relax on that count."

"Really..." she began a little smugly. "We'll have to see. Every girl responds differently after all. I mean, hell ... have you ever nailed someone as hot as me? Wait. Don't answer that. Trap question," she added hurriedly.

I took a deep breath and stared right into Deedee's perfect blue eyes. "No. I haven't," I answered truthfully. "You are far and away the sexiest ... most gorgeous ... most unflippingbelievably hot girl I would ever ... uh..."

My voice trailed off as Deedee slowly but steadily moved closer to me. My mouth flapped open and closed a few times without a sound emerging as she rather deliberately invaded my personal space, a brilliant smile on her face and even more brilliant sparkles in her eyes. I shuddered as I felt her massive breasts nudge against my chest. And with one finger, she lifted my jaw shut.

I could only stare into her beauty.

"Good answer," she said softly. And then she kissed me.

-------

We regrettably didn't have time to actually bang each other before dinner. Deedee's kisses were overwhelming, and I lost track of all space and time before she abruptly pulled away and headed for the door. "Meet me back here at 8pm. Leave the front door unlocked."

Still dazed, I managed to nod.

Flashing me that brilliant smile, she shook her ass at me and then ducked out through the door. I wobbled unsteadily on my feet before backing up and dropping down onto a bed, really just a wooden box with a bare full-size mattress on top of it. My heartbeat had been racing as Deedee kissed me, and had yet to slow down. Fuck, in a few hours she and I might actually be fucking on this very bed.

The room spun suddenly as a wave of vertigo washed over me.

Eventually, I managed to get the world to stay still and gravity to regain a firm grip on my feet. I took a couple of minutes to calm myself (and to wait for the bulge in my shorts to go down). And then reminding myself that this wasn't my first rodeo and the old me used to have at least a little self-confidence around the ladies, I got up and returned to the real world (well ... to Morris Camp).

Everyone was gathering for dinner as I arrived, and I met up with Aaron, Zoey, and Marie. Marie gave me a questioning look but then reverted back into her shell. Aaron and Zoey led the conversation, and neither of them asked about my previous whereabouts. Ever since the paying guests had departed, our schedules had eased considerably and we all had a lot more free time to do whatever, and it wasn't uncommon for one or more of our little foursome to hang out with other friends or just be by ourselves.

I stayed pretty quiet throughout dinner, lost in my thoughts. I stole a couple of glances across the room to where Deedee was eating with Priscilla and their friends, but she never really looked my way. For about three seconds, I felt indignant that she just wanted to use my body for her selfish pleasure, but that idea faded away pretty quickly. I just had to picture those tits and remember that she was going to let me slobber all over them, and I realized I could be quite happy with our arrangement.

But despite my previous agreement and scheduled rendezvous, there was still ONE thing holding me back:

She sat diagonally across the table from me, eyes focused on her food. Most wallflowers I'd met in my life slouched, but her posture was poised. Even without makeup, she really did have a beautiful face, a model's face, with great cheekbones and perfect symmetry and luminous eyes that really weren't complemented by her choice in eyeglasses. I found myself wondering what she'd look like in contacts, trying to recall those moments I'd seen her without the glasses. And even though she always wore those bulky, unflattering sweatshirts, I-

I jerked my gaze down to my food when Marie glanced up at me, my ears reddening as I realized that she'd have to have noticed me checking her out. But a second later, she looked elsewhere and I relaxed a bit, wondering at my own hesitation.

Despite my attempts to scrutinize Marie's appearance, she really couldn't compare to Deedee on looks alone. What concerned me more was that I was even ATTEMPTING to compare them. Why should I? Deedee had point-blank offered to fuck me and Marie had done everything in her power to assure me that she had ZERO romantic interest in me.

Well, except for a half-hour ago, when she'd jumped into my arms.

That wasn't romantic, moron. She was just excited about something.

Okay, fine. Marie STILL wasn't sending me any signals of romantic interest. Then why – just fifteen minutes after I'd had Deedee's tongue halfway down my throat – was I thinking about Marie?

Duhhh. Because you LIKE her.

Get real. She's a friend, one of my best friends in this place, nothing more.

Sure. Fine. Whatever, dude ... You still like her.

Do not.

Do too.

Do not!

Do toooo!

Ohmigawd, how juvenile are you?

Arguing with your own head? How juvenile are YOU?

I decided to stop the conversation and forced myself to take another bite of food. I concentrated on chewing, attempting the finite control of manipulating each and every muscle movement for optimal- OWW! I think I just bit my own cheek.

You like her. She's nice to you. She's the one person here who has never given you a really hard time about your weight. And let's face it: Despite her apparent frumpiness, you think she's pretty.

I sighed. My mind was right. But what did it really mean? Marie had shown no interest. Deedee was still offering. And I still wanted to go through with it.

Just ask her.

Ask her what? 'Hey Marie, Deedee over there wants to make me her fuck-buddy but I wanted to know if you wanted me instead.' Yeah, that'll work.

No. For one thing, Deedee's counting on you to keep this a secret. Just ... find out if Marie's into you.

And if she is? Would it make a difference? Deedee's WAY hotter than Marie.

If it didn't make a difference, you wouldn't be arguing with yourself right now. You already have your answer, no matter HOW hot Deedee is.

So there it was: I liked Marie. I liked her enough to hesitate in becoming Deedee's fuck-buddy. But did I like her enough to turn down Deedee completely?

Well ... let's not go THAT far. If Marie wants to let you find out what's really under those bulky sweaters, we might have something to work with. But if not? While the busty blonde playmate is a sure thing? Please.

Right. But I still had to find out.

I looked up, and to my surprise found Marie looking at me curiously. Just then, Aaron stood up with his tray full of empty dishes and nudged me with an elbow. "Eat up, bro. Or is your idea of dieting just pushing your food around with your fork?"

I looked at my half-full plate and winced. Aaron laughed, with Zoey joining him. And together, they left the table to bus their trays. That left Marie and me alone for a minute, and seizing the opportunity, I looked up at her and said, "Hey ... Can we ... uh ... go for a walk after dinner?"

She gave me an arched eyebrow, but with a bemused smile, replied, "Sure."

-------

"Balcony?" Marie suggested as I fell into step alongside her after dinner.

I shrugged and nodded. She knew seemingly hundreds of spots around camp that were either scenic or private, and 'The Balcony' was a place that was both. It wasn't too far away from the main lodge, making it a short hike. And while the place would always be occupied during the summer, now that the guests were gone there were better than even odds that we'd have the place to ourselves.

Marie dug her hands into the tunnel pocket on the belly of a battered Half Moon Bay sweatshirt, and together we headed off on the trail. The sun would be setting soon, and as the long redwood shadows closed in around us, I flicked on my Maglite. We walked in silence for the first couple of minutes, putting some distance between us and the others. But once we turned at the fork in the road onto the narrow trail, we started making small talk about nothing important.

Ten minutes later, we came to "The Balcony." It was a short bluff in the shadow of the much larger ridge, and without nearly the expansive view. But it was about twenty feet down to the ground below it, enough to put us above the tree line and give an unobstructed view of the valley. As sunset spots went, it was a pretty good one.

Together, we looked westward and tracked the big orange disk as it started its touchdown. We both went silent, just admiring the scenery for a bit. But before the sun completed its journey, Marie glanced over at me and said, "So I'm guessing this is about Deedee?"

"What?" I reacted a little too defensively before calming my voice. "Uh, what makes you say that?"

"Please. I left you two alone right before dinner. Twenty minutes later, you come back all quiet and contemplative and barely say a word during the meal. And before we're even done eating, you look over and ask me to take a walk with you."

I looked over at her and shook my head. "All true. But honestly, I wanted to talk about you."

Marie frowned. "What about me?"

I looked forward, focusing on the sunset ahead of me for a moment. I hadn't really planned this all out in my head, and wasn't sure of the right words. But I could feel Marie's attention boring down on me, and after a deep breath, I turned to her and explained, "Well, about you AND me, actually."

She hissed a bit as she inhaled sharply, clearly caught off guard by my statement. She jerked her eyes away and stared at the setting sun, which by now was almost gone.

Feeling the sudden tension in the air, I plunged forward. "I really just wanted to know if you had any romantic feelings for me."

"Do you?" she asked, looking back at me suddenly.

"I ... uh..." I took a deep breath before nodding. Like my mind already said, my hesitation at Deedee's offer was proof enough. "I think so."

"Shit."

I winced at her curse. This was not going well.

She caught my expression and shook her head. "Please don't take this the wrong way. It's not about you. It's all about me."

I gave her a doubting look. "I tell you I think I might have romantic feelings for you and you reply 'shit'. I'm not supposed to take that personal?" I managed a humored smile.

She managed to crack a smile of her own. "I DO like you, Nick. Just ... not like that."

"It's the belly, isn't it." I hefted my gut.

She barked a quick laugh and then turned forward, shaking her head. "No, not that."

"Then what is it?"

"We're friends."

"Getting to be good friends, I thought."

"We are. And I don't want to mess with that. But more..." she trailed off, her gaze drifting off to the horizon.

I waited her out for a few seconds, then ventured, "But more..."

She shook her head, but after a few seconds, she pinched her lips and narrowed her eyes as she turned to look at me. "What DID you and Deedee talk about after I left?"

I averted my gaze at her sudden change in topic and looked to where the sun was now gone. There was still some illumination over the horizon, but it was fading fast. "I'd rather not say."

Marie scrutinized me carefully, peering harder in the dying light. "But that conversation WAS the catalyst for you coming out here with me."

I grimaced and sort of waggled my head noncommittally.

"Did she ask you out?"

"No," I shook my head firmly. "She didn't. But she got me thinking about relationships and about my feelings for you."

Marie looked at me skeptically. "SHE asked YOU ... if YOU liked ME?"

Another noncommittal head shrug. "Not exactly."

"What did she ask you?"

"Nothing."

"Nick, there's 'nothing' and then there's NOTHING."

"I can't talk about it, okay?"

Marie went silent for a moment, realizing that I didn't want to be badgered on the subject. She kept looking at me strangely, and then looking away, and I could almost see the gears in her head turning.

We stood there in silence, the sun now long gone. The sky was darkening rapidly, and today was the new moon. But I could still see Marie's profile and after a minute or so, she returned back to facing me.

"Do you really like me?" she asked in the deepening darkness. "Or do you think you might like me?"

"Uh, which one will get me into less trouble?"

Marie barked a short laugh and then slapped my shoulder.

I rubbed it, not because it hurt but because it gave me something to do with my hands while I gathered myself. "Honestly, I'm not sure. Before today, I never thought I had a chance with you or anyone else in this place. But I know I have some feelings for you and I wanted to get them out in the open before I hurt either one of us."

She took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly, nodding. "Fair enough. The answer is no: I'm not interested in you."

"Okay, okay."

And then she added firmly, "So I wouldn't mind if you hooked up with someone else."

I picked my head up sharply. "I ... uh ... I didn't say..."

"You didn't have to."

"Nick, let me make this plain: You don't have a chance with me. I'm your friend, and I like hanging out with you, but I'm not attracted to you. You're not my type."

"What, outdoorsy? Physically fit? Vegan?"

"Female."

My tongue dropped into my stomach. But after several gulps for air I managed to retrieve it and croak, "Oh."

I guess Aaron was right about the lesbian thing after all.

She laughed and reached up to pat my back, as I was still having some difficulty breathing. "So relax. Don't think I'm gonna get jealous or something if you sleep with Deedee."

"Who said anything about Deedee?"

She just shook her head. "You didn't have to."

-------

Twenty feet away from the cabin, I stepped alongside a tree and shut off my Maglite. It took almost a minute for my eyes to adjust to the near pitch-black darkness of a new moon evening. The main trail was well behind me, and the cabin itself was completely shadowed. But I had recorded a mental picture of how to get to the door and there would be just enough ambient light for me to make it without tripping ... I hoped.

I paused for another full minute to make sure I didn't see or hear anyone else in the vicinity. I took Deedee's request for secrecy quite seriously, figuring that if we were exposed in any way, I would not be experiencing any future booty calls with the gorgeous bombshell.

When I was sure the coast was clear, I crossed the patch of ground and went onto the porch. Feeling around, I found the door knob and twisted it with a very slight creak.

For a second, I worried that it would be locked. I worried that this whole thing was an elaborate prank put on by the beautiful, popular girl and I would soon find myself butt-naked and the laughing stock of all the more physically fit ranch hands.

For a second, I worried that I had been magically transported into a horror zombie movie and that nefarious supernatural creatures lay within the cabin, eager to devour my brains.

But I shook off these concerns, believing the potential rewards to be worth the risks. What were zombies against my hands, lips, and tongue all over Deedee's naked body?

The door opened at my touch, and the room inside wasn't as dim as I might have feared. The main room itself was completely dark, but the crack beneath the bedroom door glowed from artificial light within. I relaxed, finding that I was not under attack by supernatural creatures, although I was still a little wary of what lay behind that door. But steeling my spine, I stepped forward with purpose and closed the door behind me.

"Glad you could make it."

I practically jumped out of my skin at the voice and the touch of hands on my shoulders from behind. Spinning around, I backed up two steps before Deedee's hand caught mine and her flashlight came to life, illuminating her own smirking face.

"Hey! Hey! Relax!" she giggled. "It's me."

With wide eyes and heaving breath, I shook my hand free of hers and growled, "Don't DO that to me!"

She laughed and took my hand once more, tugging me back toward the bedroom door. "Sorry. A little jumpy, aren't you? I was just watching by the window for you to come. You're five minutes late."

Struggling to calm myself, I let her lead me and muttered, "Wanted to make absolutely sure the coast was clear."

"Thank you for being careful. And hey, the adrenaline rush is probably a good thing for what you're about to do."

"And, uh..." I began, thinking about the popular-girl prank. "Just what AM I about to do?"

Deedee opened the door, revealing a spartan mountain cabin bedroom with minimal furnishings and only a fitted sheet and blanket on the full-size bed. Also, the table lamp was set on the floor to keep most of its light below window-level. But I only noticed all that later. That's because the moment the door opened, Deedee dropped her robe and I got a full glimpse of what the gorgeous busty blonde was wearing underneath:

Absolutely nothing.

Clothed, Deedee was gorgeous. Naked, she was spectacular. Trim figure, effortlessly in shape without being muscular. Long legs, flared hips, and wonderfully buoyant breasts that defied gravity. She was the personification of perfection, an angel of beauty come to life. And I honestly couldn't imagine a more exquisite-looking girl.

Jutting a hip out to her left side and planting her fist on it, she turned her face up and began tapping at her chin with her right index finger. "What are you about to do?" she murmured rhetorically. "Well let me put it this way: I'm the kind of girl who would like to get properly laid at least three times a week, and I'm not talking five-minute one and done's either. The breakup was... forever ago ... So that means that YOU ... my lucky boy..."

She returned her attention to me, pinching her elbows against her sides so that her forearms elevated her breasts while she reached up and grabbed onto my shirt. " ... You are about to relieve me of a LOT of pent-up horniness."

-------

I abruptly found myself lying flat on my back across the bed, Deedee showing off a strength I wasn't expecting from her. She kicked her robe inside the room and then shut the door before stalking over and climbing onto the bed like a savannah cat mounting its prey. She practically hissed with a feral grin just before her mouth descended over mine, and I felt the gentle prick of her teeth just before her tongue snaked into my mouth and we were making out as if we'd never been interrupted by dinner or my conversation with Marie.

She devoured me. There really is no better word to explain it. I was not an equal partner in the activity any more than a gazelle is an equal partner in a lion's meal. I gave, she took. I surrendered, she conquered. And we both got exactly what we wanted.

There were no words spoken, except when she first pulled my shorts down and breathed with a smile, "Yeah, I knew you had big feet." I had grinned proudly, knowing that my cock was built like me: long and thick.

That grin had been wiped away rather suddenly, replaced by a gasp as she more or less deep-throated me on the first try. Deedee was certainly no stranger to sucking cock.

This knowledge, by the way, didn't bother me in the slightest. My whole life I had been around girls who were ... experienced ... for lack of a better word. I wouldn't call them sluts per se, but the simple fact of the matter was that the kinds of girls I met in bars and who went home with me because of my bank account, Mercedes Benz, or Malibu beach house were the kinds of girls who weren't strangers to sucking cock.

I didn't really know a whole lot about Deedee. I didn't know if her parents were married or divorced. I didn't know if she had siblings. And I didn't know what kind of life she led outside of Morris Camp. All I really knew was that she was friggin' HOT and she wanted to suck MY dick, and I knew (now) that she was really, really good at it.

She was wet. She was sloppy. And she seemed to enjoy pulling off and laying my prick into the valley of her cleavage, squeezing those melons around my shaft and humping away to my absolute delight.

The single table lamp was on the floor beside the bed, casting an eerie glow up the front of her body that illuminated her chin while shooting rays up around her arms and breasts. Her eyes seemed to glitter as she stared at the rapturous expressions I was making while she tit-fucked me. She seemed to truly enjoy the power trip, being able to manipulate my body with her own. And when my abs tensed in my final efforts to hold orgasm at bay, her grin got even bigger and she abruptly pulled away, leaving me short of final ecstasy.

"Nooo..." I groaned pathetically.

"Just kidding." She winked, and then deep-throated me once more, pulling back until just the head was in her mouth as she furiously jacked my rod with both hands until I shuddered and began spraying her tonsils with months of pent-up sperm.

Her head jerked at the force of my ejaculation, my cock exploding like a damaged fire hydrant inside her mouth. Her eyes bulged as she fought to keep up with the deluge, swallowing rapidly but ultimately failing as the overflow began to leak out the corners of her mouth. Eventually, she just pulled off and gasped for air while jacking my remaining spunk over her bare tits. And when I finally finished spurting, she sat back on her heels and began giggling once more, exclaiming, "Well, you seem to have been saving that up for a while."

I groaned, "I was..."

"Well, time for you to return the favor. I gotta warn you, Nicky, that if you don't show me your 'Numero Uno' move downtown you might not get a repeat."

Given how supremely awesome that blowjob had just been, I desperately wanted a repeat. So despite feeling momentarily wiped out, I propped myself up on my elbows to look down at her and nod vigorously. "I will."

Deedee clapped her hands joyously and hopped up onto her feet. Not bothering to wipe herself off or anything, she mounted the bed once more, crawling straight over me and shoving down on my shoulders to make my elbows collapse. After first removing my shirt, she reached up with both hands to collect her long locks of silky hair and pin them back behind her head. And then kneeling astride my face, she lowered her pretty pussy down to my lips.

My eyes were locked onto her face, my gaze passing through the expansive valley between her tits. I felt my tongue slide effortlessly through her super-lubricated nether lips, tickling the prominent button I found at their apex and then rubbing over the stubble of her neatly-trimmed blonde landing strip.

Deedee had demanded my 'A' game. Now I knew with certainty that I was no sexual savant, but I hadn't been shy about asking my various girlfriends what they liked. Some liked it rough, most liked it soft. Some liked variety, most liked rhythm. But all of them agreed that while the various parts of their lower anatomy liked varying degrees of stimulation, the clitoris is where it's at.

It's not rocket science: The clit is a female penis. Sure, I liked my balls played with, my inner thigh tickled, and all that jazz. But nothing could beat a mouth going to town right on my pointed pecker. And given how revved up and wet Deedee already was, I didn't see the need for any warm-up. I went after her clit, and I went after it hard.

"NNNNGH!!!" Deedee grunted over and over through clenched teeth as she writhed atop me. I could tell she was trying to keep the volume down, lest some unnatural noise escape our remote cabin and be heard by some creature that walked on only two legs, but she was having a hard time doing so and I took that as encouragement to continue what I was doing. My eyes danced as I watched her naked torso pitch left and right and arch back and hunch forward. I growled in pleasure as I chewed on her love button, my hands gripping her hips and pinning her butt against my chest as I strained my neck to keep firm pressure on her snatch.

Deedee moaned and groaned, reaching up to palm her big tits. She found her palms still a little slimy with my previous ejaculate and rubbed my cream into her creamier skin. She then slid her still-wet hands over her face and into her hair, biting on a finger here or there to stifle a scream as she clenched her eyes shut and whimpered in obvious ecstasy.

I didn't stop at one orgasm, and I didn't stop at two. The area of my face between my nose and chin was dripping wet, but she'd demanded my best and I was doing everything I could to give it to her. I probably could have given her a third orgasm as well, but before she got there, Deedee abruptly rolled off me and flopped onto her back, gasping for precious oxygen while muttering, "No more ... no more ... No more..."

I lay right beside her, a goofy grin on my girlcum-soaked face as I stared at the ceiling and panted for breath. I let my hands flop back and my sore neck just rest as we collectively let our skins cool down in the mountain air and let the trickle of life's energy gradually flow back into our bodies.

But further down my body, my renewed erection bobbed and weaved upright like an ocean buoy. The sounds of Deedee's ecstasy and the vision of her nakedness thrashing about had been more than enough stimulation to revive me. And when I glanced down at it, so did she.

"Fuck me, Nick," she breathed, still panting. She raised her arms and knees, letting her hands flop back and her legs flop to the sides, opening herself up for me. And then she repeated, "Fuck me."

With energy I didn't realize I had, I quickly rolled atop the prone blonde's body. Planting a hand to either side of her head, I did a push-up over her and dipped my lips to kiss her a little more gently than either of us expected. She looked at me with little bit of surprise after that, and a bit of worry as well. But I quickly ducked my head down to seal my lips around one of her hard little nipples while sliding off the bed and getting my feet firmly planted on the cabin floor.

"Fuck me," she urged one more time, and I needed no further invitation. Relocating my hands to her hips, I pulled her to the edge of the bed. Without releasing my grip, I angled my pelvis to nudge my cock head into her gaping folds. And with a well-satisfied grunt, I thrust myself inside.

She was tighter than I expected. The "experienced" girls I was used to had cunts that accommodated my thickness with relative ease. Perhaps Deedee was just built this way, or perhaps she really hadn't had anything inside her vagina in quite a long time. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised and had to dig my toes into the floorboards for a second thrust to get myself fully seated.

Deedee's eyes were closed, her thoughts turned inward as she reached up and held onto my forearms. Without looking, she re-directed my hands to her tits, patting them once I squeezed both melons. And I grinned as I pulled out about three-quarters of the way before fully imbedding myself once again.

"Fuck me..." she crooned, still with her eyes closed, clearly absorbing the sensations of being fully-filled with man meat.

"Fuck me..." she repeated, urging me into a steady rhythm.

"Fuck me..."

After all the wild and aggressive oral stimulation, we actually had a rather sedate copulation. It had been such a long time, for both of us, that we both were rather in the mood to savor the experience.

I marveled at the sheer physical beauty of the woman who was allowing me such sacred intimacies. She was by far the hottest specimen to have let me do this, and I spent a long time memorizing the lines of her face and the curves of her body. I explored those with my hands as well, smiling when she suckled a finger into her mouth. And of course, I was as happy as a kid in a candy store while playing with her massive breasts.

For her part, Deadee was soaking in her internal feelings. She barely opened her eyes, something that upon later reflection made me feel just a little bit used, as if I only existed to be a thick cock for her detached pleasure. Having cum once already, I was going to last a long time, and I certainly kept slow-dicking her for about twenty minutes, egged on only by her verbal "Fuck me" every so often.

Slowly, like water inexorably heated by the lowest burner setting, she eventually came to a boil. She directed my hands where she wanted me to go, stimulating her nipples or teasing her sides exactly how and when she wanted. Deedee clearly knew what turned her on, and she manipulated her own body like she had her own ... user manual ... or something...

That's not to say I couldn't take credit for it. I did my best, providing the hard, thick, heated tool for the job. I tickled where she wanted, squeezed where she wanted, stimulated the way she wanted. And I paid attention, forcing my business consultant's analytical mind to remember what the hell I was doing so that I would be able to do it to her again during future encounters.

And then suddenly her eyes were open. Reaching up, she yanked down on my shoulders as she began to seriously buck her loins against mine in earnest. I couldn't bend all the way down to her, but remained at about a 30-degree angle with my hands planted on the mattress. This left a gap between our chests that she constantly strove to close by clutching me tighter with her nails digging into the back of my neck, but she always fell back against the bed, her face a twisted grimace of resistance against the pleasure threatening to overwhelm her senses.

After a minute, her inner muscles began squeezing me in a way I'd never experienced before, like she had a third hand inside that knew how to jack me off. I groaned, feeling my own pleasure rapidly coming to a boil. And as the pace and force of our fucking increased, I bent my head forward and asked in a strained voice, "Are you safe?"

"Cum in me," she gasped immediately, her sparkling blue eyes flaring to life as she stared right at me. No longer trying to climb up my chest, she instead settled for keeping my torso rigid above her, a stable platform to rut against as she lunged her hips at me over and over and over again, impaling herself on my rampant rod.

"Cum in me," she repeated, her tone a command. "Fill me with your spunk and drown me in your cream!"

I was so close, but I was desperately trying to hold out for her. I still wanted a repeat performance (MANY repeats, if I could), and I was terrified of spurting while leaving her unsatisfied. But she was insistent, grunting, "Cum in me! CUM IN ME! CUM IN MEEEE!"

At last, I couldn't hold it in anymore. My hips suddenly began jack-rabbitting like a machine gone haywire, and my feet lost their grip on the floor. With Deedee still yanking down on my shoulders, I abruptly pivoted forward, my feet flying into the air and my chest crashing down onto hers. I felt my dick sliding out of her ... backward ... backward ... but not QUITE dislodging. And then suddenly I was falling back in, a final thrust with my full weight behind it that completely knocked the wind out of both of us.

And then I was cumming. The fire hose erupted, pouring out wave after wave of hot jizz into Deedee's willing body. Her legs came up with my impact and she crossed her ankles behind my ass, tugging me even deeper. And as she felt the spray scalding her deep within her loins, she threw her head back and screamed, discovery of our secretive rendezvous be damned.

It was the best damn fuck of my life.

-------

What felt like hours later, the world came back to me a little bit at a time. I first noticed the warmth of Deedee's naked body beneath mine. I felt the cool air surrounding us, sucking away the heat of the sweat on my back. And then I became quite consciously aware of my weight, realizing that I was way too heavy a tub of lard to be lying on top of a girl.

But she resisted my first attempt to roll off, saying, "No, don't" while tightening her grip on my shoulders. She held herself against me, adding, "I like this feeling."

I remained where I was, but shifted my knees and elbows to support my own weight and ease some of the pressure. And after rubbing her cheek against mine for another few seconds, she patted my arm and let me roll away.

My first thoughts were for my clothes. My lust sated, I could now worry about how exposed we were. Sure, this cabin was remote and well-shaded from the trail, but there was always a chance we could be caught. I wasn't worried for my own sake; it wouldn't exactly hurt my reputation to be caught naked with Deedee. But I was still quite aware of the possibility for future encounters, and I honestly did care about Deedee's reputation.

I spied my shirt, and as I reached across the bed for it, chivalrous instinct kicked in and I suggested, "You should probably go out first. I'll stay here and clean up. Can't leave a beautiful woman all alone in a dark cabin any longer than she has to."

"I was thinking about that," she replied quietly, staring at the ceiling. I noticed that she made no move to cover up, and I couldn't help but pause and ogle her naked body while fondly remembering all the things she'd just let me do to it.

"So we're on the same page."

She shook her head. "No, actually. What I meant was that I don't think we should keep this a secret, if that's alright with you."

I was halfway into my shirt, but I stopped in surprise with only one arm through its sleeve. "Wait, what?"

She now turned her head to mine and pushed herself up on her elbows, a position which did wonderful things for her tits. "I don't mean any offense, but I don't want you for a boyfriend."

I shrugged and gave her a wry smile. "None taken."

"It has nothing to do with you; I don't want ANYBODY for a boyfriend."

"You don't have to explain. I'm alright with it, really."

"But I want to keep doing this. I want to keep fucking you."

I grinned. "Fine by me."

"But I don't want to worry about sneaking around anymore. This one time worked out and all, but the more I think about it, the harder it'll be to get away without anyone noticing or looking for us or just wondering where we are. Making elaborate plots for a secret rendezvous and then figuring out how to sneak away? It's a hassle. And with only 22 other people around, someone's bound to notice eventually."

I slid my other arm into the sleeve and then gave her my full and undivided attention.

"Nick ... if it's okay with you, I want the camp to think you're my boyfriend, only..."

"Only I won't actually be your boyfriend," I finished for her.

She gave me a hopeful and yet apologetic smile. "You'll still get exclusivity. I don't want the hassles of other guys hitting on me, either."

"So let me get this straight: the camp thinks we're together, we don't have to sneak around to keep fucking, but it doesn't go beyond that. No romance, no cloying emotions, no complications. I'm just your booty call, that about cover it?"

"Well, I don't want people thinking you're my booty call. The whole sex without commitment perception ... I don't want people thinking I'm a slut, you know? Think "boyfriend", at least as far as others are concerned. We'll sit together sometimes. I can handle spending time with you; I think I'd like that actually. I just need you to promise me you won't get all emotional and clingy and needy and--"

"I got it, I got it. Let the camp think we're together, but no pressure on you. And for me, I keep getting..." I waved my hands across her entire naked body " ... all that..."

She giggled and nodded. "Yeah. Boyfriends are needy. I just wanna fuck every now and again, no strings attached. Can we do that?"

I took one more look at her figure, then grinned and nodded. "Yeah, we can do that."



-------

Chapter 3: No Strings


-- NOVEMBER 7 --

"Mmm-wah! Bye, babe." Deedee kissed me before hoisting her backpack over her shoulder as she descended the porch steps and headed for the hills. Today she and some others would be doing maintenance on the trail to the Garden of Eden. They'd be trimming back branches and clearing out rocks, as well as re-carving part of the trail to curb erosion.

"Bye," I waved, leaning against the railing as I watched her go. A hand tapped my ass, causing me to jerk up and turn around.

"I still don't know WHAT that girl sees in you," Zoey scoffed with a smirk.

I shrugged and turned forward to watch my girlfriend depart. "She says I have big feet."

Zoey snorted before her eyeballs rolled behind her cat-eye glasses. Shaking her head, she asked, "So how are those snowballs doing? Still keeping them nice and toasty?"

I chuckled. Ever since my "relationship" with Deedee had become public knowledge (i.e. the following morning), Zoey had been giving me a hard time about my "snowball's chance in hell" comment of a month ago. I couldn't blame her. Even I could scarcely believe it.

"I don't think HIS balls are ones you should be worried about, girlie," Aaron drawled as he stepped alongside us and slipped his arm around Zoey's waist.

Zoey giggled and turned into Aaron's body, flipping purple bangs out of her face before tilting her head back to receive her boyfriend's kiss.

I sighed and averted my eyes just before their lips met. I caught Marie looking at me from the other side of the couple, and she mimed sticking a finger down her throat and gagging. Our respective roommates had carried on a love-hate friendship ever since meeting during orientation (mostly 'hate'), and in the last two weeks that friendship had turned into something more. They still squabbled like territorial alley cats, especially since Aaron wasn't exactly apologetic about continuing to letch after other hot women or about his various other character flaws. But I think they both got off on needling each other and they certainly had a rather combustible chemistry that couldn't be denied. And ever since they'd hooked up, the pair had not been shy about PDA.

Leaving my friends to their little embrace, I raised my eyebrows at Marie and jerked a thumb back inside, asking, "Coffee?"

She nodded. "Please."

I headed for the door, and Marie followed after. Coming out was a strapping young man named Caesar, and he head nodded to me while raising a fist. "Hey, sup."

I fist-bumped him and nodded back. "Sup," I replied and continued my way in without giving him a second thought. Two other guys inside noticed our arrival and nodded in greeting as well.

It had certainly been a different world for me ever since I hooked up with Deedee. The inquisitive stares had come flying from all over when she sat with my clique for breakfast the morning after our first booty call. You could practically hear the wind sucked out of the room as everyone gasped the first time she kissed me in public. And the bombardment of questions had begun about three seconds after she walked out of the room.

Aaron and Zoey had been the worst, whining that I should have warned them ahead of time. Marie, of course, had remained quietly detached.

The respect level for me had skyrocketed in the intervening weeks as my relationship with Deedee continued. Once it became clear that the hot blonde's newfound attachment to me was neither a one-time aberration nor an episode of Punk'd, I found that practically everyone at the camp was looking at me in a new light, some of them wondering what mystical knowledge of the female psyche I possessed and hoping that I could share it with them. The point is: guys who used to make fun of my weight now held me as an equal, hence the nods and fist-bumps.

Speaking of weight, I'd dropped another ten pounds, down to a very respectable 215. I probably would have weighed even less, but I'd put on quite a bit of new muscle mass, and my waist had gotten so thin that Marie had needed to sew my pants and shorts tighter.

Speaking of Marie, she'd been the one whose reaction I'd worried about the most. True, she'd professed a complete lack of jealousy should I hook up with Deedee, not to mention the assertion of her homosexuality. But even including Aaron, she was still the one person I'd come to spend the most time with as a friend, and I didn't want her to think I would abandon her now that I'd gotten myself a new girlfriend.

I still liked Marie, as a close friend if not romantically. And despite Deedee's beauty – not to mention the mind-blowing sex – when I asked myself which one I'd choose if forced to, I found myself leaning toward the reserved, wallflower brunette.

I'd told Marie as much from the beginning, and she waved off my concerns like the thought had never even occurred to her. In practice, Deedee didn't really take up much of my time, so Marie and I still got to spend a lot of time together. We still went for walks and hung out as friends. And with Aaron and Zoey hooking up, Marie and I found ourselves alone together more often than not.

We made our way through the staff lounge, greeting friends as we passed. While we ranch hands were paid a pittance for wages, the camp really took care of us when it came to food. Every meal was all-you-can-stand-to-eat, and high quality stuff too. And besides the soda machine in the lounge, ownership had sprung for a high-end espresso machine and gourmet beans for all us budding baristas here in the Pacific Northwest. The point is: Camp coffee was as good as any I could find in the Southland.

"What'll it be, Miss?" I inquired in an overly genteel manner as we stopped at the coffee station.

"Caramel Macchiato, per favore," Marie replied in a decent Italian accent.

"Molto buon, signorina," I replied with a smile and began whipping up her drink.

She watched my actions for a moment before commenting, "You're starting to get good at that."

"Practice, practice. I drank enough of these sorts of things every day from the Starbucks right around the corner from my office. Never quite realized how easy it would be to do it myself." I stopped for a moment and chuckled. "I wasted sooo much money on that stuff over the last year, even more if you count college."

She grinned as I finished up her drink and handed it over. I then poured myself some french roast coffee, black. Although I'd practically lived on the elaborate cream and sugar-injected "handcrafted beverages" for years and years, I'd sworn off them for the past few months while trying to get myself into shape.

I initially gestured Marie over to one of our usual couches, but she shook her head and waved toward the door, holding up two lids for our paper coffee cups. It wasn't uncommon for us to take our morning brew on the road and find somewhere less crowded to chat; Marie always seemed more at ease away from other people.

I followed her outside, across the porch, and then down onto the main trail. We walked slowly, taking sips of our coffee and being careful not to spill them. When she started walking us down the path toward the lake, I glanced over and asked, "No assignments this morning?"

She shook her head in agreement, swallowed her sip, and then replied, "Not until after lunch. You?"

"The new cabin, as usual. But we're not meeting up until 10."

"Nice. How far along are you guys?"

"Halfway it seems, but the easy stuff is over. Now we're getting down to the details."

She nodded. "George is going to start training me on horse-breaking this afternoon."

"Sounds dangerous."

"It can be."

"Did you know you were going to get this involved with horses before you came up here?"

She shook her head in the negative. "I liked them well-enough on previous trips to camp. Went for a ride on occasion, but nothing like this. Learn something new every day."

"I'll say. Word around is that you're one-eighth horse yourself, which is why you speak the language. Even Deedee's mentioned it."

She blushed and glanced at the trail for a moment. "So you and Deedee actually talk now, huh? Thought you two did nothing but screw whenever you're alone."

"Not always," I replied with a raised eyebrow. Marie was the only one who knew the truth about my relationship with Deedee, knew that I was basically just Deedee's booty call and the rest was only window dressing. For some reason, the first time I was alone with Marie I couldn't bring myself to hide it. I trusted her with the truth, and trusted her not to harshly judge us for it. For a month now, she hadn't shown any jealousy over my physical relationship with the other girl, but I detected an off note in her voice right now.

"Wait-wait-wait," I began, giving her a measured look. "You're not jealous of Deedee and me fucking, but you're jealous of me TALKING to her?"

"What? No. What gave you that idea?"

"You did. Just now. Tell me I'm wrong."

"You're wrong," she replied flatly and then looked away, a little too quickly I thought.

But then again, I might have been reading too much into things. I certainly knew I wasn't the best at sensing a woman's moods or intentions. Deciding not to press the issue, I shrugged and said, "Okay then. My mistake."

"What else did you guys talk about?" Marie asked, and then looked away again as if she wished she could take back the question. I gave her a knowing look, and she just reached a hand out and shoved me off balance, adding, "About ME. I'm not jealous of you banging the blonde; I'm just curious what everyone is saying about ME!"

I laughed and then pointed over to the right. We'd nearly arrived at the lake, and I gestured us over to a set of picnic tables that stood back a little ways from the beach. We went over to them, climbing up and parking our butts on the table top, resting our feet on the bench below. Sipping my coffee while holding the cup with both hands for warmth in the cool morning air, I explained, "We didn't talk MUCH. Like you said, mostly we just hook up to get ourselves off and then go our separate ways. But last night, after we both were finished, we just got to talking about our work projects and everything. I told her a bit about the cabin we're constructing and she told me about the trail maintenance this morning. She said the team leads are really starting to specialize everyone, and we both had noticed how you're almost exclusively in the barn nowadays."

Marie nodded. "I really like it. Everything is so new and exciting. I feel like it's something I'm good at, and I can actually see myself doing this for a long while."

"What, like past the end of next summer? Or a lifetime career?"

"Oh, I dunno about that. Have to go back to school eventually; my parents would kill me if I didn't graduate someday. But for the rest of the Ranch Hand program? Sure, why not? I certainly wouldn't mind leaving here with some new useful skills."

"I suppose. Personally, I'm just trying to get through the next year in one piece, you know?"

"Ah, the infamous 'jail sentence'."

I smirked, staring out into space and thinking about exactly what Deedee and I had been doing last night before that conversation. "Nicest jail sentence I can imagine."

Marie sensed my thought pattern (probably by looking at my shit-eating grin), and said, "Speaking of whom, you two make any plans beyond next summer?"

I glanced over at her with an arched eyebrow. "What, me and Deedee? Yeah, right. I'm just a living, breathing dildo to keep her libido in check until we both get out of here. There's nothing more to us than that."

"And you're alright with that?"

"Sure, I guess. We'll do our thing, enjoy it while it lasts, and at the end of the summer go our separate ways. There are certainly worse ways I could be keeping myself occupied."

"But that's all this is to you, isn't it?"

I looked at her in confusion. "What?"

"Biding your time. Keeping yourself occupied. Just marking the days until you can go back home without getting arrested."

"Is there anything wrong with that?"

"Maybe you should be doing MORE than that." Marie sighed and stared out across the lake. "This is your fresh start, remember?"

"Yeah, sure."

"No, I don't think you do. This is a very big opportunity for you."

"Opportunity to do what?"

"An opportunity to really THINK about what got you here in the first place. An opportunity to step back from that world and consider the person you'd become. An opportunity to recognize, and then change yourself for the better so that it doesn't happen again."

I stared at her like her skin had turned plaid and she'd just spoken in Mandarin Chinese. "Okay, what the hell is in your coffee this morning? Because I think someone may have spiked it with weed."

"Dammit, Nick! I'm serious!"

"This isn't some grand metaphysical journey here. Sure, we're in a rustic retreat separated from the real world with no Wi-Fi, cable TV, or cell phones. But this isn't an Indian ashram with a yoga guru who's gonna help you find the meaning of life."

"It's still a place away from your old life where you've got both the time and space to reflect on who you are, and who you really want to be."

I still looked at her skeptically. "It's a court-ordered community service, without which I'd be drinking my coffee indoors in a nice lounge on the way to my high-paying job."

"Ugh, you're impossible," Marie grunted in obvious frustration and got off the table. Without a backwards glance she started walking back up the hill toward the main lodge.

"Hey, Marie!" I called after her, clambering off the table as well and following her up the path.

"Forget about it. You don't understand."

"What did I say?" Clearly, I must have struck some sort of nerve I wasn't aware of, because she was certainly overreacting. The things I'd said weren't THAT bad.

"Just leave me alone," she huffed without turning around. "Or better yet, go find your bimbo. After you two screw each other's brains out, maybe you can ask her."

"Marie!"

"Goodbye, Nick!"

I'll never understand women.

-------

"Hey, boyfriend," Deedee greeted me warmly as she arrived at the table with her tray. Her trail-maintenance group had arrived late for lunch, and most of us were already halfway through our meals.

Priscilla and her camp boyfriend Hiro looked up and smiled. Aaron and Zoey did as well. Marie glanced up but quickly returned to shoving her food around her plate. The brunette had been exceptionally quiet during lunch today, and my casual attempts to start conversations with her had so far been rebuffed.

Focusing my attention on Deedee, I tilted my head to receive her friendly peck on the lips and then scooted over as she took the seat beside me. I asked how her day had been going, and she shared a few unimportant details that nevertheless entertained the table for the next five minutes or so. The conversation then followed a tangent over to another topic. And all in all, we finished the meal amiably.

Marie was the first to leave. Without commenting or really even looking at anybody, she got up and hustled off to bus her tray. Still feeling uncomfortable about the way we'd left each other's company this morning, I resolved to track her down and get us a one-on-one chance to work things out.

But before I could do so, Deedee slid her fingers through mine and gave me an intense look right into my eyes. "Got some time to get away?" she asked almost breathlessly.

Immediately I felt my shorts tighten. Checking my watch, I replied, "Uh, yeah, actually. Joe is doing some electrical work with Edwin and I'm not needed until after two."

"Perfect. I've got a free afternoon. C'mon!" Giggling like a schoolgirl, Deedee started running out of the room, pulling me along with her.

I glanced back, looking around for Marie. But my quick scan didn't immediately find her. And telling myself I could always talk to her later, I simply let my girlfriend drag me off.

-------

We more or less raced into "our" cabin. Deedee had charmed some higher-up into giving her the keys, and we'd started to leave some niceties in the room to make it more comfortable. The bed was now fully made with sheets and pillows. We'd moved in one more lamp to improve the lighting. And we'd also dragged into the bedroom a sturdy armchair that had been the location for more than a few wild and crazy sex acts. Only a handful of people knew we were boinking in that cabin, but we weren't going out of our way to keep it a secret any longer. Heck, I was pretty sure more than a few other couples had designated cabins of their own. I only worried what we'd do when springtime came and the guests returned.

But that was a long ways off, and Deedee and I had more pressing things to think about, like the most efficient way for getting her polo shirt off or whether or not she could unfasten my pants with one hand, leaving the other wrapped around the back of my neck to make sure our lips didn't come apart as we attempted to simultaneously undress and make out.

I took charge today, grasping the hem of her shirt with both hands to rip it over her head and then reaching behind her to unsnap her bra. She turned around in my embrace to face the bed and shoved her ass against my crotch while twisting her head back to keep kissing me. I yanked the bra down her arms and then raised my hands back up to palm her big tits, squeezing them and grinding my bulge into her butt crack.

Having successfully unbuttoned me, Deedee now reached her hands back and pulled down my zipper. I took the hint and dropped my pants, taking my shorts down with them. Then I pushed Deedee forward so that she had to plant her hands on the mattress to keep from falling. And with her so bent over, I grabbed the sides of her khaki work pants and dragged them down with her panties as well.

That put my face right behind her ass, and as the heady aroma of aroused pussy wafted into my nostrils, I grabbed onto her thighs and pushed my busty blonde lover onto all fours on the bed. Standing on the floor behind her, I then squatted and pried apart her asscheeks so that I could stick my nose into her crack and begin licking at her peach from behind.

"Ohhh, yeah..." Deedee groaned as I went to work on her. She hung her head and then spread her knees a little wider to give me better access. I introduced first one finger and then another into her snatch, pumping just a few times to wet my digits before pulling them out and curling them together to bracket her clit and give it a few loving strokes.

She writhed and wriggled on my tongue for only about a minute, but then rocking backward with her butt to push my face away, she looked back at me upside-down and between her own legs to order, "Enough of that. Get up here and get inside me!"

"Yes, ma'am," I replied with a smile. My neck couldn't hold that position very long anyway. Standing up, I ripped my shirt over my head, leaving myself as naked as she, and then stepping up to the edge of the bed, I grabbed onto her hips and pulled her down into alignment with my waving prick.

"Oooh, yeah..." Deedee crooned as she felt my thick prod separating her folds. The sheets bunched up in her hands and she arched her back while accepting each inch after penetrating inch.

When I was fully seated, we both paused to catch our breath. That was the way Deedee usually liked it. Things could be hot and heavy, fast and furious as we got to the point of initial coupling. But once we were completely joined, she liked to pause and just get used to the feeling of being so full. I liked to think it had something to do with the thickness of my dick, but really I think she especially savored those first few moments.

Like always, we started out slow, taking long enjoyable strokes before speeding up to our climaxes. Deedee rocked back and forth, controlling the tempo while letting me hold onto her hips or tits to make sure we didn't become dislodged. After a few minutes, she began to speed up and even reached back with one hand to finger her own clit, humming in rapturous pleasure until she had to put that hand back down for balance and let me take over rubbing her love button while we kept fucking.

With the steady pace, I was usually able to hold out through at least her first orgasm, something Deedee more than once told me that she appreciated. This afternoon was no exception, and after she got her starter climax, she pulled off me and then turned to lie comfortably on the bed with the pillows supporting her head. I followed her onto the bed and moved between her legs. She spread her knees to the sides to accept me, and met my cock in her pussy with her tongue in my mouth.

Sucking on my lips, she crooned as I began to speed up my thrusting. I felt her nails scratching at my back before her hands fastened onto my shoulders. I braced my elbows on the bed beside her and pushed myself up to look down at her gorgeous face, finding her smiling at me proudly as my penile-pumping brought her the pleasure she was looking for.

Raising her legs, Deedee refastened them around my waist as I added more force. I ducked my head down to suckle at her upright nipples and bury my face in her abundant titflesh. And then I picked my head back up to give her a wet, open-mouthed kiss as the ecstasy intensified and I felt us both approaching our climaxes.

"Ngh! Ngh! Ngh!" she grunted into my mouth before twisting her face to the side so she could breathe. "Fuck me, Nick! Harder, now! Harder! Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!"

I was fucking her. Ramping up to full speed, I let the full weight of my body drive her ass down into the mattress before rapidly pulling back and doing it again. Harder and harder I hammered her while she thrashed and bucked beneath me, throwing her hips up to slam against mine as she whipped her head left and right while screaming out her ecstasy.

I had to close my eyes lest her fine blonde hair scratch them out. But I held on and focused on driving her up the proverbial wall while holding back my own orgasm. Over and over I pounded her while she alternately yelled, "Fuck me" mixed with "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

At last, she screamed, "I'm cumming!" not caring who might be outside to hear. Her back arched and she threw her head back, a strangled gasp coming out of the throat as all sound suddenly cut off. And as I felt the erratic muscle spasms of her pussy begin to clench around my cock, I let myself go as well.

With a roar, I deposited my delivery deep within Deedee's depths. She started laughing as she felt my load hose down her insides. And as she returned to Earth from her momentary high, she wrapped both arms behind my head and pulled my face into her cleavage once more, sighing happily as both of our bodies went limp and she felt my weight settle down onto her torso.

"Nngaahhh..." I sighed as every fiber of my being relaxed post-ejaculation. Despite my protestations that I was too heavy for her, Deedee insisted that she liked feeling my weight on her after sex. I smothered her for a little bit before setting down my knees and elbows to support the majority of my bulk. But after another minute or so, I realized that the cabin's heater wasn't turned on, and my adrenaline and arousal were no longer keeping me warm in the November Sierra cold.

Rolling off her, I reached down and pulled the thick furry blankets over our naked bodies. Deedee complained for a moment about not being surrounded by my body's warmth, but she quickly snuggled her face into my chest and waited for our collective heat to warm the space beneath the blanket.

"Mmm, this is nice," she murmured. "Wish we could stay in here the rest of the day instead of going back to work."

"Sounds like a plan to me." I glanced down and cradled her body with my left arm and began to stroke her scalp with my right hand.

"That's nice," Deedee commented at my stroking. Nuzzling her nose against my chest, a dreamy smile spread across her lips. Still with her eyes closed, she added, "I can almost believe we're guests and not workers here. This is our cabin, our little retreat together away from the real world. Nothing for us to do but enjoy the great outdoors and then crawl into bed to fuck and cuddle."

"Would be nice," I agreed.

Deedee hummed happily and smiled even wider. She looked so pretty and at peace, I couldn't resist bending down and pecking her forehead tenderly. Deedee cooed at the touch, and then tilted her head back to look up into my eyes. She looked at me dreamily for a few seconds, but then her eyes sharpened and she took on a more thoughtful expression. By now, we were both plenty warm beneath the blanket, and after a few more seconds, she turned to prop herself up with her forearms on the mattress beneath her chest. And canting her head to the side, she gave me a questioning look. "Does it bother you that we haven't become a closer couple?"

I raised my eyebrows. "What do you mean? Naked and cuddling for warmth would generally be considered pretty close."

"I mean as boyfriend/girlfriend. Yeah, we've told the whole camp that we're together, but behind closed doors all I've really wanted is to get regularly laid. I don't talk to you all that much or do all the regular girlfriend emotional stuff."

I shrugged. "I'm okay with that. You made your intentions quite clear from the beginning: we're fuck-buddies, no strings attached. If you're wondering whether or not I'm feeling used, relax. I don't. If anything, I feel like you actually DO treat this like a regular relationship, albeit a casual, low-pressure one."

"You don't mind that we don't go out on dates, or take long walks, or do anything really romantic?"

I shrugged again then let my hand slide upwards underneath her body, palming and then squeezing one of her big breasts. With a smug grin, I replied, "I'm pretty good with the current arrangement."

She rolled her eyes and lightly slapped my forearm. "Hmph. Maybe -I- should be the one feeling used." She quickly added, "Kidding, kidding" to my momentarily abashed look. And then she grabbed my retreating hand and put it right back on her breast.

Taking a deep breath, she gave me a frank look and said, "I just want to make sure that you're cool with the way things are going. I like you, Nick. I really do. You don't pressure me, you're very obedient when I want something, and of course I love your big ... feet." She giggled with a deeply satisfied look. "I just don't want to mislead you into thinking that anything is going to grow out of this. I'm not looking for a serious relationship and while I'm perfectly happy with the status quo as it's been for the last month, we're not gonna last forever and get married or anything."

I paused for a moment to squeeze the breast in my hand and give her my own deeply satisfied grin. "We're on the same page, don't worry about that," I told her. "Honestly, it was never my choice to come out here, to Morris Camp. I'm just biding my time until this ranch hand thing ends and I can go back to my old life. I'm marking time, doing my best to stay occupied until then, and I frankly can't think of a better way to do that than with you."

"Enjoy it while it lasts and then go our separate ways, huh?"

"Yeah..." I nodded my agreement, but even as I did so, I found my thoughts turning elsewhere. Laying my head back down on the pillow, I stared up at the ceiling and started to wonder what Marie was doing right now.

I had felt so sure of myself when I said the words about marking time and staying occupied. I wasn't lying; deep down, I knew those words were perfectly true. I really DIDN'T want to be here, and if given a choice whether to have come here or to have stayed in LA this entire time, I would have gladly chosen LA, despite the friendships I'd formed or even this wonderful hookup with Deedee. I missed the internet and cable TV. I missed my old friends. I missed the hotties that would bend over and let me ogle their cleavage for the price of a cocktail or two.

But I found myself thinking of the last time I'd told someone those words, only hours before. Marie had gotten quite indignant with me over them, even though I felt like I'd told her the same thing many times now. Why had she gotten so upset, and why now? That girl was an enigma to me, so quiet and reserved in public and then perfectly at ease when alone with just me. She could be funny and even a little flirty one moment and then closed-off and insistent about her lesbian sexuality the next. She was calm and almost serene amongst the crazy, childish antics of some of the other ranch hands, but then she was prone to emotional outbursts that defied my attempts at understanding.

Even now, Marie was mad at me for something ... and I found that it really bothered me not knowing why.

"Earth to Nick. Earth to Niiiick..." Deedee's voice floated into my consciousness.

I blinked rapidly and jerked my chin down. Deedee was resting her cheek on my chest, looking at me curiously.

"Where did you go?"

"Uh, nowhere. It's, uh, nothing..." I stammered.

She gave me a doubting look. "No really, where'd you go? I'm curious."

"Nowhere. Just random thoughts..."

"Not so random, I'll bet. Lemme guess. You were thinking about Marie."

The way my eyebrows popped and the way my head jerked up gave me away.

Realizing she'd hit it on the nose, Deedee propped herself up on her elbows once more and scrutinized my face. "Knew it," she said. "Here I am, completely in the nude with your cum running out of my pussy, and you're thinking of another girl!"

"It's not like that. WE'RE not like that," I insisted.

"I know, I know. Just friends you two always insist. But I wonder if you wouldn't like there to be something more..."

I shook my head quickly. "Of course not."

"Then why wouldn't you tell me you were thinking about her?"

"I wasn't trying to HIDE anything. They really were just random thoughts, not worth mentioning."

"Then tell me. What were you thinking about? Were you comparing our two bodies? She wears these REALLY unflattering clothes, but I've noticed a few things here and there and she's actually--"

"NO," I cut her off. "I was NOT comparing you two. This has nothing to do with sex."

"Then what IS it about?"

"We got in a fight this morning."

"A fight?"

"Sort of. I think," I sighed and rubbed my forehead with my right hand. "I don't even know, actually. One minute we were talking, the next she was huffing off telling me to leave her alone."

"What did you say?"

"That's the thing! I don't know! She avoided me all morning and then didn't say a word to me at lunch."

"Huh..." Deedee rolled onto her back, forcing my eyes to yo-yo down to her bare tits before she pulled the blanket up to cover them. She frowned at the ceiling for a moment before flipping her gaze back over to me. "Y'know, what IS the deal with you two?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you two SAY you're just friends and all, but seriously, the whole camp knows you and her spend all your free time together, especially ever since Aaron and Zoey hooked up. Hell, you spend more time alone with her than you do with me, and it kinda gets people talking."

"Is that a problem? I mean, are you worried about people staying convinced that you and I are really together-together and not just fuck-buddies?"

"No, no," she waved me off. "Even if people suspect, I'm not as concerned about my reputation at this point. I'm not sleeping around and we've been together long enough for everyone to know that I'm no slut. And as long as you and I are happy with this arrangement, that's good enough for me."

I nodded and then explained, "Marie and I are friends, always have been. Everyone knows that."

"I know, I know. But why aren't you two MORE? Long before you and I started boinking, if you two had become a couple no one in camp would have questioned you."

"We're not like that."

"Evidently. Unless, of course, you're cheating on me behind my back."

"What?" I barked in alarm.

"ReLAX," Deedee laughed as she waved me off. "(A) If you two had ever wanted to have sex, you would have had a bazillion opportunities way before me. And (B) I actually don't think I'd really mind if you did want to hook up with her. You and I are not a committed couple, so if you two wanted to have sex and could keep it a secret and if you still continued rocking my boat ... Well, it's all complicated but what I'm saying is that I wouldn't feel betrayed or anything."

"Well don't worry. That's never going to happen."

"You're so sure?"

"Believe me, I'm sure."

"What, you don't think she's pretty?"

"She's very pretty, though she seems intent on not admitting it to anyone else."

"Then what is it?"

"She's--" I cut myself off. "Uh, well..."

"She's... ?" Deedee led me, her curiosity obviously piqued.

I sighed, not wanting to spill Marie's orientation. It wasn't my place. "Let me put it this way: you and I get along from a purely physical standpoint, although perhaps not so much on an emotional one, right?"

"Well, I honestly don't spend enough time with you to develop the emotional stuff, although more because I'm consciously trying to avoid romantic entanglements rather than because I don't want to spend time with you."

"Right, right. Well Marie and I, we get along as friends but aren't ... uh ... physically compatible."

"'Physically compatible'?" Deedee frowned as she turned that over in her head. She blinked a couple of times and then shot me a look. "She tell you she's a lesbian?"

I blushed, not intending to reveal it, but the cat was already out of the bag. With a grimace, I shrugged and nodded in confirmation.

"Ohhh..." Deedee exclaimed, as if everything now made sense to her.

"So that's why we're 'just friends'," I finished.

Deedee nodded in full understanding. "Huh..." she began contemplatively, and then with a new twinkle in her eyes, she shot a look over at me and grinned. "Hey, you think maybe she'd wanna do a threesome?"

-------

-- NOVEMBER 8 --

"Mmm-wah! Bye, babe." Deedee kissed me before hoisting her backpack over her shoulder as she descended the porch steps and headed for the hills. Today was the second day she and some others would be doing maintenance on the long trail to the Garden of Eden. And after talking to her about what it was actually like at the Garden, I resolved to eventually visit it myself.

"Bye," I waved, leaning against the railing as I watched her go. Deedee threw me a pixie wink before hooking her thumbs into her backpack straps. And she joined up with the rest of the crew and hiked out of sight.

"Hey ... Feel like getting some coffee?"

I turned around quickly in surprise to hear her voice, and smiled in relief to see Marie standing behind me looking quite apologetic. She was really cute, actually, looking like this. Her hair was loose and draped around her shoulders. There was no scowl, and the frank, open-eyed expression looked good on her. She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose with one finger and smiled in response to my own, and her whole face lit up along with her.

"So ... is that a yes?" she asked.

I chuckled and nodded, replying, "Yes, yes. Let's get some coffee."

"I need to apologize for the way I overreacted yesterday. It's just--"

"It's forgotten," I interrupted her. "Water under the bridge."

She relaxed visibly. "Thanks."

"No problem." I crooked an elbow out to her without even thinking about it. "Coffee?"

Blushing, she eyed my elbow for a moment and I realized that I'd accidentally put her in an awkward situation. Although we'd become relatively close friends in the last few months, ours was not a relationship with a lot of physical contact. But rather than force her to choose between taking my elbow or refusing and thus neutering her apology, I quickly dropped my elbow and started walking for the door, nodding with my head for her to follow after.

But then I felt her hand slip around my arm and I stopped in surprise. Marie stood alongside me, her left arm looped around my elbow. And with her right hand she patted mine.

I popped my eyebrows in surprise.

She just shrugged and said, "Let's go."

-------

-- NOVEMBER 9 --

"So I was thinking," I began, and then paused as I mentally heard Aaron make some wisecrack about over-straining my puny brain. But it was only Marie with me, and she wasn't the type to make such a comment. Instead, she merely turned her gaze away from the setting sun and patiently gave me her undivided attention. "I was thinking about what you said the other day, about me seeing this as an opportunity to really think about what got me here in the first place and to understand how to change myself for the better."

She nodded with a smile, quite interested in what I had to say.

"But the truth is: I'm not really sure I see it that way."

Her smile dropped as a confused expression crossed her face. "You're not?"

I shrugged. "I mean, I KNOW how unsuited I was for this ranch hand program, at least initially. I was out of shape and if you dropped me in the middle of the woods five miles from rescue, I'd probably have died instead of making it out."

She chuckled and nodded her head. "No argument there."

"But I'm not that guy anymore. I've learned a lot in these few months. I've lost weight, put on muscle, and you taught me how to make a fire from kindling and a couple of pieces of wire."

"Better idea: always carry a Bic in your back pocket." She fished out a baby blue lighter from her own back pocket to emphasize her point.

I grinned and nodded. "But I'm not really sure what else I need to change. I'd like to think I've grown up while I've been here, learning not to take so many things for granted and having an appreciation for the simpler things in life. But let's face it: Morris Camp is NOT the real world. Once I go back, I really don't see a whole lot of reasons why I can't be the person I used to be, albeit with a few more survival skills and a smaller waistline."

"The person you used to be nearly killed a lot of people."

I sighed and looked away. Not long after I'd arrived, I'd told Marie the entire story of why I was court-ordered to be here. She was the only one at camp who knew, and this was the first time she'd brought it up since I told her. "It was an accident. A one-time thing."

"Are you so sure?"

"Yeah. I'm sure," I stated firmly, though I didn't look at her.

"And what about your ego?"

I frowned, caught off guard by Marie's question. "What do you mean?"

"Don't take this the wrong way; you know I like you," she began, raising her eyebrows for emphasis. "But you were kind of an asshole when you first got here."

I barked a short laugh, turning my head and shaking it before returning to her with a grin. "C'mon, I wasn't THAT bad."

"Sure you were. Cocky, entitled, acting like you were above this place because you're 'special': all the stereotypically bad things older people say about Gen Y. People might have made fun of you for being fat whether or not you had an ego. But the fact that you acted all superior AND were fat just made you that much more of a target. Even more, you were a whiner."

I frowned, looking chagrined. "But ... I'm not like that anymore, am I?"

Marie giggled and glanced at the fading sun, waving a hand dismissively. "Course not. Within two days you were too tired to walk without slouching, let alone lord your sense of superiority. Probably a saving grace that you were so out of shape. Still, you certainly whined a lot."

I winced. "But that was a long time ago." And then I winced again as I hoped that didn't sound whiny, either.

Marie shook her head. "It's been barely more than two months."

"Really? Feels like it's been so much longer than that."

She shrugged and looked off into the distance.

"But even in two months, I've changed a lot, haven't I? I mean, you wouldn't hang around me this much if you still thought I was an asshole, right?"

Marie didn't answer me right away. Instead, her gaze remained off in the distance, and she pulled her feet up onto the bench, hugging her knees to her chest before setting her chin down atop them.

I waited her out, leaning back against the tree trunk behind me and raising my own left foot onto the bench. I was used to Marie having these little spaced-out moments. She was one of the most contemplative people I'd ever met, given to spending large chunks of her day lost in thought. The sun was nearly gone, only about a tenth of it still above the horizon. And idly, I watched it until it was completely out of sight.

"Then why'd you do it?" she suddenly asked out of the blue.

I turned to look at her, the features of her face already fading with the dimming light. But there was an intensity about her eyes that was captivating, and I zeroed in on them. She didn't need to elaborate. I knew what she was asking about.

But the only answer I had was, "I don't know."

"Me, neither," she replied. "And that's what we need to figure out."

-------

-- NOVEMBER 24 --

"To the first night they finally let us drink around here," Aaron offered, holding up his wine glass. "Cheers."

Zoey was quick to raise her glass alongside her boyfriend's, adding her own, "Cheers!"

Deedee's glass went up. So did Priscilla's, Hiro's, and mine. And last but certainly not least, Marie's wine glass went up and clinked around the others in the middle of the table.

Sitting back in my chair, I took a sip and felt the tickle of Martinelli's Sparkling Cider work its way down my throat. Setting my glass down, I then picked up my knife and fork and dug into the hearty slab of turkey on my plate.

It was a great looking meal. We always had plenty of food at the camp, all of it good. But today was a special occasion, and all of my favorite traditional Thanksgiving foods were present: turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, and cranberry sauce. Pies waited at the dessert table. And of course, as Aaron had pointed out, this was one of the few times the camp gave us real alcohol.

Everyone was enthusiastic about the meal. I was a little TOO enthusiastic, actually, and managed to dribble a drop of gravy onto my silk tie. And upon noticing I'd done so, I immediately dropped my silverware and groaned at my clumsiness.

"Aww, poor baby." Deedee already had a napkin in hand and turned in her seat to begin dabbing at my tie.

"Ah, forget about it. I'll just drop the thing off for dry cleaning," I remarked with a wry grin, knowing full well the nearest dry cleaner was about a hundred miles away.

"That's what you get for wearing a tie to dinner," Zoey snarked.

"Hey, they said to dress UP."

Zoey just laughed and shook her head. "Dressing up" at Morris Camp apparently meant wearing a clean polo shirt or button-down that DIDN'T have the camp logo on it. Ties and jackets weren't part of the dress code, and I was the only one wearing either. But I didn't let that knowledge stop me. I was different from the rest of the ranch hands, and not embarrassed about it. So they called me "City Boy" and thought I was a little weird; I could live with that. I happened to LIKE looking nice, and if they didn't get that, screw 'em. I'd learned way in the beginning that I could either let the others' jokes get to me, or own up to myself and live with it. With the help of my friends (not to mention the ego boost of having Deedee for a girlfriend), I'd chosen the latter.

But for now, the tie was history. I wore it because I wanted to look more refined than everyone else, but that wasn't going to happen with a gravy stain right in the middle of it. Jerking the offending silk loose around my neck, I pulled it off and stuffed it into my jacket pocket. And then with a shrug, I picked up my silverware and resumed my meal, albeit with a little more care not to spill.

Dinner itself went along pleasantly. We'd had the day off from work and everyone was feeling quite relaxed. A couple of leads made boring speeches and thanked everyone for their hard work so far, but otherwise it was a dinner like any other.

The biggest difference from any other evening was the aforementioned presence of alcohol. We weren't taking shots or mixing cocktails, but there was plenty of good wine and several cases of beer. And to throw that at a bunch of early twenty-somethings who haven't had a drop in a couple of months, well ... let's just say a bunch of ranch hands were having a REALLY good time.

Edwin got blitzed out of his mind before dinner was through. He had a permanent blush visible even through his tanned skin, and his eyes weren't focusing very well.

Priscilla got buzzed, giggly, and frisky with her boyfriend; and from the perpetual smile on Hiro's face, he seemed to be like-minded.

And even my own team lead Todd came over about an hour after the meal had ended, shook my hand a little too vigorously, and burped out an apology for not being nicer to me in the beginning. I told him that he didn't need to, but he insisted that "It's not cool when a new ranch hand can't even depend on his own lead to not make fun of him".

I, myself, was abstaining. I'd learned the lesson that Nick and alcohol do not mix well, and though I was tempted, I was enjoying my evening just fine without.

But surprisingly, Marie appeared to be drinking enough for both of us. Oh, she didn't get falling-down drunk or anything, but it seemed that there was always a wine glass in her hand, and though I watched it slowly empty, the glass always managed to fill up once again. As the evening progressed, she went from mellow to bemused to giggly to outright flirtatious.

For the girl who had gone out of her way to be as androgynous as possible for the entire duration of the program, it was a startling change in behavior. Not only were the 'back off, fucker' glares gone, but she actually SMILED at a guy or two (and more than a few girls, which seemed to confirm the lesbian diagnosis). For a girl whose idea of PDA began and ended at holding my elbow (except for once or twice when she held my hand and dropped it the moment she realized she was doing it), it was a shock to see her hugging people in public, including me.

But then again, just about everyone was getting a little more touchy-feely. The first real alcohol in three months was loosening tongues and lowering inhibitions all over, and even those not partaking were carried along by the festive mood.

That included my girlfriend. Deedee wasn't going overboard on the alcohol, but she was more on the plus side than minus. HER idea of PDA had always included French kisses and over-the-clothes fondling, regardless of whether people could see us or not.

Scratch that, her PDA-levels increased when other people were around, so as to maintain the illusion of our relationship. That's not to say the whole thing was an illusion; we certainly spent a lot of time together, most of it fucking each other's brains out. It's just that in almost two months of "dating", we still never sat down and had a serious conversation about emotions or feelings or what we might become in the future. I was her fuck-toy, and a deeply satisfied fuck-toy at that.

Deedee was an energizer bunny in the sack. Many of my past hookups were one-shot affairs, with me holding out as long as I could to make sure my girl was satisfied before busting my nut and then being done for the evening. But about half the time, that wasn't enough for Deedee. If she was so inclined, she had the magic ability to suck me back to life and go for a second ride, and even a third one time. I have to admit, her sexual appetite made me worry about my manhood not being enough to satisfy her, and given the casual, uncommitted nature of our relationship, I'd actually asked her if she had any other fuck-toys at the camp, with the suggestion that I really wouldn't mind if that's what she needed.

Deedee was thoroughly bemused by my suggestion, but informed me that her only other "fuck-toys" were literal toys, bits of plastic, latex, and electronics that she actually brought into our sex play at our private cabin. For one thing, the male-female ratio meant that all 8 guys in camp were now spoken for. And besides, maintaining ONE fuck-buddy relationship was hard enough for her, thank you very much. Since her sexual satisfaction was therefore dependent upon the stiffness of my prick, she pretty much ordered me to take more vitamins so I could keep up with her.

The way she was draping herself all over me, I should've popped extra vitamins TONIGHT. My girlfriend was in a special mood, and more than once I'd caught her snaking a hand down my pants to pet my, uh ... snake.

After the meal ended, someone hooked up an iPod to the Great Room's stereo system and started up a dance. One of the girls mentioned something about the Camp setting up a big tent outside during the summer months, but this was nothing on that scale. We didn't even have a formal dance floor, but among the two dozen or so ranch hands we began to pair off and move to the music.

The fast songs were fun, just a bunch of young people gyrating in time. The slow songs got a little bit awkward, with 16 female ranch hands and only 8 guys to match them. It basically meant the girls had to take turns, although some of them just decided to dance with each other, and the guys were pulling double-duty.

My double-duty quickly became a simple alternation with Deedee and Marie. I wasn't expecting my "girlfriend" to be quite so attached to me. With few exceptions, she was friends with everyone, and it would have been easy for her to move from fast-song group dancing to pairing off with the nearest guy for a slow song or two. I wouldn't have minded. There was no jealousy. And yet this night she seemed determined to remain by my side at all times.

The only times she gave way was for Marie. The pretty brunette seemed to be coming out of her shell tonight, even going so far as to giggle about the involuntary erection I'd formed while dancing with her. I had been positively mortified by it, worried what she would think. And I spent the rest of that dance doing my utter best to calm myself down.

Of course, when Deedee took over, she seemed determined to get my erection right back up and waving.

But in any case, Marie was continuing her evening of emerging from her cocoon. She actually joined in the group circles to dance to the fast songs. And she took several more twirls with me during the slow songs. She actually joked around with several other people, and I started to think that we needed to get Marie buzzed much more often. She was having a good time – we ALL were having a good time – and it was nice to see my close friend having fun and interacting with everyone else.

But all that didn't seem so farfetched. Marie got along with everyone when she felt comfortable around them, that's all. And her one night of becoming friendlier and letting down her guard a bit could certainly be attributed to the wine. I was pleasantly surprised by her behavior, but not shocked or anything. What REALLY shocked me was yet to come.

-------

"G'night, y'all," Zoey drawled lazily as she snuggled deeper under Aaron's arm. "Don't stay out too late."

"Hell no. Stay out LAAATE," Aaron urged drunkenly over his shoulder as he led his girlfriend down the trail, a flashlight dangling from his free hand. "And don't come in until I take the red string off the doorknob, if you know what I'm sayin'..."

I chuckled and shook my head. Aaron's 'red string' was actually an ordinary tan-colored rubber band, his signal to me that he had Zoey in our bedroom. He'd forgotten it a couple of times ever since they got together, and sometimes it didn't matter because they'd be loud enough for me to hear them through the door. But sometimes it did matter, and I'd walked in on them snuggling naked beneath the covers twice already.

And one time, they weren't beneath the covers, and I'd run to the bathroom to try and scrub the vision of Aaron's hairy ass out of my eyeballs.

The point is: I knew my bedroom would be occupied for the evening. That was okay, because I'd already been planning to spend it screwing Deedee's lights out in our cabin. But first, I wanted to escort Marie to her room in the staff cabin, making sure she got back safe and sound.

My left arm was already around Deedee's waist. Looking back, I opened up my right arm and offered, "Hey, Marie. Walk you back?"

Glancing back at the few others who were still hanging around the Main Lodge, Marie pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and then came into my grasp, her pleasantly drunk state erasing any nervousness she might have had about the physical contact. "Sure, thanks."

The three of us finished our goodbyes and then started on the same trail Aaron and Zoey had just gone down. Deedee led us in a light conversation commenting about some of the amusing things that had occurred that evening. But as we turned around a bend, Marie glanced back behind us and then suddenly tugged to the right, saying, "Hey, let's go this way."

I glanced at Deedee, who gave me an odd look in return. The light was dim, but I thought I saw the hint of a smile, and she followed after as all three of us took the fork in the road and switched onto a different trail.

I honestly thought Marie was just enjoying the conversation and didn't want to go to her room just yet. So we kept chatting amiably and ambled along. I recognized that we were on the trail to the guest area, but thought nothing of it as it would only take a simple course correction to the left on another path to bring us back to the staff cabin and Marie's room.

But we were never going back to Marie's room. A trickle of electricity ran up my spine as we left the main trail and turned around a cabin. Deedee had taken the lead now, and of course I realized that she was leading us to OUR cabin. The silver Schlage came out of her pocket and she released her arm from around my waist. And then suddenly the door was open and all THREE of us were inside.

My mind was whirling as Deedee led us through the dark main room and into the back bedroom. She switched the heater on as we passed, and followed that with the light switches to first one and then the other lamp. At this point, Marie slipped out of my grasp and turned to sit down on the armchair, looking nervous for a moment and then taking a deep breath. And after looking at me a little guiltily, she blushed and smiled at Deedee.

"Uh, pardon me for asking this," I began, confusion still reigning in my brain. "But what's going on?"

"She asked me if she could watch," Deedee explained rather matter-of-factly, with a smirk and a shrug as she dropped a hand to her sweater's zipper and pulled it all the way down. "I told her I wouldn't mind."

I gulped, as the confusion in my brain rapidly turned into panic. "Uh, YOU wouldn't mind ... but what about me?"

"Do you want me to go?" Marie asked quickly, her face ashen. "I really don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"Uh, well..." I began, my mouth dry. "I don't know if that's possible anymore. This is all catching me rather by surprise."

"Let ME make you comfortable," Deedee offered, sidling up to me and turning my head toward hers with both hands. She gave me a quick peck on the lips before holding my cheeks more firmly and then likewise giving me a much firmer kiss.

It was nice, but I was still a little apprehensive about Marie's presence. It was one thing for the other woman to be aware of my booty calls with the busty blonde; it was QUITE another thing to have her in the room. "I'm not saying I can't do this. I'm just saying ... uh..."

Deedee giggled and then suddenly dropped her hands from my cheeks. Leaving me, she crossed the room and sank to her knees in front of Marie. My girlfriend's back was to me, so I couldn't see her lips. But from the way the brunette's eyes widened, I figured that Deedee was whispering something to her.

And then she kissed her.

I stopped breathing for a moment. I stopped hearing too, for that matter. I'm pretty sure I stopped smelling and touching and tasting as well. My only sense that still functioned was that of sight, and my brain was racing while attempting to make a photocopy or otherwise record what my eyes were seeing at that very moment.

Marie gasped as Deedee kissed her, but quickly flowed back into it. Her eyelids fluttered before shutting completely, and she turned her head as she parted her lips. Deedee turned in the opposite direction, which actually gave me a much better angled view of their lip lock. And as their lips writhed like sinuous snakes against each other's face, I swore I could even see the quick-flash darting of tongues as well.

It was over too soon. Deedee suddenly stood before me as my brain apparently was just now recovering after a reboot. With a silly grin on her face, she took double-handholds of my jacket and used it to propel me to the side and then backwards until my calves hit the bed frame. I sat down heavily, and after grabbing a pillow for her knees, my girlfriend went to work on my pants.

"Sorry, babe, but you're not getting a threesome or anything," Deedee explained as she got me unfastened. "Marie just wants to watch. But don't worry, I plan on giving her a good show."

I nodded dumbly, and then began breathing much more quickly as my girlfriend extracted my hard prick into the still-cold air. I wasn't the only one, as Marie was similarly breathing hard in her spot on the armchair, now having pulled her feet up onto the cushion with her knees together and bent to one side. She had a perfect view of what was happening on the bed, and both she and I inhaled sharply the moment Deedee's mouth surrounded my dick.

Deedee certainly put on a show. She was loud, she was messy, and she slobbered all over me. Her hands were a blur, constantly in motion and attacking every target within reach. She was capable of inducing great pleasure in a man, and she was using all that capability tonight. But I wasn't watching her.

I was watching Marie. The pretty brunette's lips were slightly parted as she panted in heated arousal. Her blue eyes were locked onto my crotch so tightly that I don't think she even realized I was watching her. After a couple of minutes, she had to unzip her sweater against the rising temperature both from the cabin's heater as well as her own internal arousal. And a minute after that, I actually watched her slide a hand down her long skirt, and then close her eyes and moan as she evidently began fingering herself.

I admittedly knew very little about lesbians. I'd met a number of girls who claimed to be bisexual, or who at least were willing to make out with other girls merely as a way to get guys excited. I'd never actually WITNESSED a lesbian in action, apart from girl-on-girl porn, so I didn't have much of a base from which to understand a lesbian's psyche.

I was surprised to see Marie so turned on watching Deedee give me a blowjob. I sort of figured that lesbians weren't turned on my penises in general, the way the few gay guys I knew said that breasts just didn't do anything for them. And yet Marie was clearly getting hotter and hotter watching Deedee work away at my prick. Perhaps my assumption was wrong. Perhaps a sex act is still a sex act when it comes to visual stimulation.

But I didn't have much more time to speculate, because Deedee stopped blowing me at that point and then stood up to strip. I had already gone topless, and Marie wasn't bothering to check ME out. But for her to get turned on watching Deedee peel away layer after layer of clothing made PERFECT sense, and I found myself similarly unable to take my eyes off the bodacious blonde as she did a bump and grind to an imaginary beat while shedding her apparel right down to the skin.

I further was unable to look anywhere else as Deedee pulled my face into her cleavage, urging me to motorboat her melons before pushing me onto my back and then squatting on my face.

I ate my girlfriend to a moaning climax, and my keen ears detected the different note of Marie's orgasmic croon as well. For my lesbian friend to get off watching a girl get eaten out made perfect sense as well, and the sounds of Marie's ecstasy were an aural aphrodisiac that spurred me on to getting Deedee off on my tongue once more.

But I actually can't take credit for Deedee's second orgasm. Sure, I had her well on her way, but what really seemed to put my girlfriend over the top was the sudden and unexpected addition of a fresh pair of hands on her tits and a mouth at her neck. My eyes went wide to see Marie, sans glasses, giving my girlfriend a neck hickey while Deedee threw her head back and screamed. Marie's hands were palming my girlfriend's tits, squeezing and caressing them before reaching up to turn Deedee's cheek a little further to the right. And once in position, the brunette climbed a little higher and shoved her tongue into the blonde's mouth.

With their lips pressed together, Marie slid her left hand back down to fondle Deedee's left breast. Her right hand dropped all the way down, searching for and then finding my girlfriend's prominent clit. And as I shoved my own tongue up my girlfriend's wet channel, Marie's nimble fingers strummed Deedee's love button and quickly brought the busty blonde to a shrieking, shaking climax.

"Oh! Marie! AAAAAAUUUUGHHH!" Deedee screamed into the night air as her back arched and her pussy dumped out a wave of honey right onto my face.

Marie held her tight, squeezing that tit and rubbing that clit as Deedee bucked and shivered and thrashed on top of my face so hard that I was worried she'd rub off my nose.

But she didn't quite manage that, and after a few more seconds of thrashing Deedee started to calm down. She shifted backward, perhaps seeking to snuggle herself against Marie only to find that the brunette wasn't there anymore. In the end, Deedee wound up sitting on my stomach, with her shoulders slumped forward. Wet bangs were plastered to her forehead as she looked at me with glassy eyes. And she was gasping for air as she dropped her hands down onto the mattress behind my head and just barely kept herself from collapsing.

The position draped those big, swollen boobies right in my face, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to suckle on the sweet melons. Feeling the firm nipples on my tongue, I rolled them around with my lips and sighed rapturously as new pleasure began working its way up from my loins. The wet warmth of a heavenly mouth worked its way up and down my shaft, bathing me with pleasure as ... Waitaminute. What the FUCK?

Jerking in surprise, I grabbed Deedee's sides and rolled her off me while picking up my head and staring absolutely slack-jawed down the length of my own torso.

Marie was gorgeous, alluring, and infinitely sexier than I had ever believed possible. Her lustrous dark hair was down, full of volume and swaying in front of her shoulders to perfectly frame her angelic face. Her glasses were gone, giving me an unobstructed view of those intense blue eyes as she stared back at me. And of course, there was no mistaking the sight of my fat dick stretching her lips wide around its circumference, a trickle of saliva running down my shaft as she pulled upward, groaned, and then resumed a downward motion to take me deeper into her mouth.

"Ohmigawd..." I raved in wonder before asking questioningly, "Marie?"

She flinched at the sound of my voice, and her eyes popped open wide. The sultry, smoking intensity of her previous gaze was immediately wiped away and replaced by a look of hesitation that gradually widened into sheer terror. With a gasp, she backed off my prick and then backed away from the bed. And both hands clapped over her mouth as she gaped at us in absolute SHOCK at what she'd just done.

"Marie..." I began in a gentle tone, realizing she was freaking out even more than me. "Hey..."

But it was already too late. Rushing headlong and off-balance, Marie darted for the bedroom door and pulled it open so fast she couldn't get out of its way. It hit her in the forehead, recoiling several inches while she squeaked and raised a hand to the impact point. But after a scant few seconds, she opened the door once again and ran through it, thereafter bursting through the front door of the cabin and into the mountain night beyond.

Marie had run so fast she'd left her sweater behind, and even her glasses. Deedee and I were fully naked and gawking at each other on the bed, wondering what in the world had just happened.

What had prompted Marie to join us, given that she'd originally planned just to watch?

What had caused her to actually suck my dick, given that she was supposedly a full lesbian?

And most importantly, why had she run away?

-------

Marie hid behind her bedroom door. Deedee stood beside me, looking pensive and guilty at the same time. Later, my girlfriend would explain to me that Marie had approached her during the Thanksgiving party about coming to watch us have sex. A little drunk and feeling good, Deedee had readily agreed, seeing the exhibitionism in front of someone she trusted to keep her mouth shut as a turn-on.

Neither Deedee nor I wanted to say anything too loud. The walls in this staff cabin were simply too thin. But we quietly kept knocking and heard enough whimpering to know that Marie was within. And after about five minutes of no response, Deedee pulled me aside and whispered that we should just leave her alone.

She set down Marie's glasses and jacket at the base of the door, and then looked at me and said, "It's a small camp and she's not going anywhere. Give her some space, and you'll have another chance to talk to her."

Indeed, the very next morning, Marie pulled us both aside after breakfast and asked us to go for a walk.

"Can we just forget the whole thing ever happened?" she pleaded with us. "I was drunk and I was horny and I wasn't in my right head. I never should have done that, and you have NO idea how embarrassed I feel right now. Nick, you're really the best friend I have here, and I wish more than anything else that I hadn't done something that could really screw that up. I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me."

"Marie..." I soothed, opening an arm to her, and feeling much better when she accepted my offer and came to me for a hug. "Of course I can forgive you."

"But can you forget it ever happened?" she sniffled.

"Well..." I hedged, glancing at Deedee for a moment. "I don't think I can actually erase my memory. But I promise you that we can be friends just the way we were before, okay?"

Squeezing me tightly, Marie nodded into my chest. And thankfully, we were able to do just that.

Mostly.

-------

-- DECEMBER 16 --

"Holy SHIT it's getting cold out there," Aaron exclaimed as he slammed the door shut behind him. The wind howled for a moment against the wood, threatening to squeeze frigid air through the cracks before abating and quieting down. August had been hot and humid, perfect weather for lounging by the snowmelt-fed lake. October had been pleasant, with days in the 70s and brisk evenings perfect for sweaters. But now it was December, and the old style mercury thermometer outside the door hadn't topped 40 since Tuesday, not to mention the below-freezing temperatures overnight.

I definitely wasn't in SoCal anymore.

"Hey! Language, doofus," Zoey admonished without any real heat in her voice.

My buddy turned and put on an overly sad puppy dog face. "I'm sorry, sweetie." He immediately wrapped her up in a hug, rubbing her back for extra warmth.

Zoey giggled and snuggled herself into Aaron's body, and then flipped purple bangs out of her face before tilting her head back to receive her boyfriend's kiss.

Leaving my friends to their little embrace, I raised my eyebrows to Marie and asked, "Coffee?"

She nodded. "Please."

Marie went with me to the coffee bar where I mixed up drinks for both of us. When I was finished, I gestured with my cup across the room. Marie then followed me over to a vacant couch where we sat down side-by-side and flopped against the backrest. I kicked my feet up on the table, sipping at my coffee since it was still pretty hot, and sighed to feel the warm liquid burn down my throat and begin to thaw out my semi-frozen body from the inside. "So what's on your duty schedule today?"

"Trail setup," she replied quietly, staring off into the distance.

"Really? I thought you had something going on at the stables?"

She sighed and shook her head. "Big group today. We're going down south, setting up a new scenic area. Clearing out vegetation and installing a swing at a fork in the creek with some nice views. We'll be gone all day."

"Really?"

She nodded.

"But you'll be back at the stables soon, right?"

She turned her head back to me and said sullenly, "Monday. Next week."

I frowned at her tone. "One would think you'd be excited to get back. Weren't you telling me the other day that something big is happening with Cilantro? Your three-month-old?"

"Yeah, well ... Plans change." Her gaze drifted away again, and she went awfully quiet.

I waited for her to come back to me, but when she didn't after a long while, I waved a hand in front of her face. "Marie? Helloooo..."

Blinking, she snapped out of her trance and stared at me. "What? Huh?"

I chuckled. "The horses? You were just saying something about plans changing?"

"Oh, oh, no," she said distractedly before taking a breath and focusing on me. Her malaise evaporated, and she flashed me a perfect smile that made my heart speed up a bit. But then she went right into her explanation. "No, the plans with Cilantro aren't changing. Next week we'll be pasturing him and his mom with the rest of the herd. He's big enough now that he needs more to eat than just his mother's milk. But I think the little guy has gotten really used to his nice, warm stable and he really isn't going to want to go outside."

I chuckled. "Can a horse that young stand up to this cold?"

"Of course. They do it in the wild all the time. This little bugger has just been spoiled all his life."

I grinned. "Only because you're spoiling him."

She blushed. "Well, sure. Got a soft spot for babies, of any species."

"You're a good caretaker. Bet you'll be a great mom someday."

Marie's eyes rapidly clouded over, and she looked away from me for a second. I felt the wall immediately come up between us, the same kind of wall she still held up between her and every other guy in camp besides Aaron and me.

Well, that's not quite true. That wall still came up even with us every so often, like whenever Aaron made a crack about her hiding away a perfectly nice body. I usually gave her far fewer reasons to raise that wall in front of me, but the grim reality was that the wall had been making a steady comeback over the past three weeks.

I'd been doing my best to let things between us be the way they had been before Thanksgiving. I had never been the type of guy to pressure a girl, to prod where I hadn't been invited. Sure, I might have had more success with women in general if I'd been willing to make that kind of first move more often, but it just wasn't something I felt comfortable with, and the girls' sense of that had served me well in its own way. Deedee, for example, had trusted that I wouldn't demand any more of her than she was willing to give, and I'd been having the best sex of my life as a result. And I'd also been the one person Marie had been willing to open up to ... well, open up a little bit.

But even my conscious effort to not bring up the events of Thanksgiving night could not erase their existence. One minute, we'd be enjoying a casual hike through the woods just like any other day. The next minute, our fingers would brush purely by accident as we navigated our way through a narrow part of the trail or climbed over some obstacle. Pre-Thanksgiving, such an innocent touch wouldn't have caused any reaction of any kind from her. But now, she would visibly recoil and shoot a look at me as if wondering whether I'd touched her on purpose.

It was frustrating. Despite living together in such close quarters for almost four months, I still knew almost nothing about Marie's background. She volunteered little and I didn't pry, so I had almost no basis for understanding what made her the way she was.

Marie was an enigma: a beautiful, tragic mystery that resonated with something inside me. Despite my inherent nature not to meddle with another person's life or stick my nose in where it wasn't wanted, I'd found myself wondering more and more these past few weeks just what it was that haunted Marie's past. Was it a relationship that had gone sour? Was it a childhood trauma? Or worse, was there some nefarious abuse that she kept so tightly hidden that it was rotting her out from the insides?

I didn't want to find out to satisfy any impulsive need to know. I wanted to HELP her. If only I knew how.

I tried to be the best friend to her I could be. I went out of my way to make time for her, even skipping sessions with Deedee if the occasion called for it. My "girlfriend" seemed to understand, recognizing that as much as I enjoyed her incredible lovemaking, I was still far closer emotionally to the mysterious lesbian wallflower. Marie and I hung out a lot, we talked even more, and she didn't seem to be trying to avoid me. But in simple fact: three weeks ago she was far more open with me than she was today.

And now this. I'd learned over the past three weeks not to hug Marie or otherwise initiate physical contact. Any questions about her family or past relationships were likewise obvious triggers to raise her defense wall. But as the warmth of her presence now evaporated, I frowned and wondered what the hell I had just this time said to cause this reaction.

All I'd done was compliment her caretaking skills, right? Everyone in the camp knew of Marie's affinity with the horses and her almost mystical abilities in nurturing the younger foals. Surely that couldn't have set her off.

And yet it had.

Marie wasn't looking at me, so I moved my head into her line of sight in an attempt to recapture her gaze. But keeping her eyes averted, she glanced down at her coffee and mumbled, "Uh, I think I need to add more milk to this. Excuse me." And then she got up and returned to the coffee bar.

I watched her add milk to her coffee, and then slowly stir it around her cup. She stayed there for a long while, and I began to wonder just how long it could take a person to stir extra milk into their drink. But then Ashley stopped by to make her own coffee, and Marie stepped back with an apology to give her room.

Maire turned and glanced at me briefly. But then she looked across the room and noticed that Aaron and Zoey had settled around a table with some other friends, and instead of coming back to me she went over there and joined them.

I frowned and stared into my coffee, wondering what the heck had just happened. And I was just making up my mind over whether or not to go after her and join that group as well when a new voice spoke above me.

"Well that looked awkward."

I glanced up to see a perfect pair of tits. Well, those tits were obviously attached to someone, and I raised my eyes a little further to see Deedee's pretty face before briefly yo-yoing my gaze back down and up from her proffered cleavage. Deedee wore the standard-issue Morris Camp Polar Fleece jacket, but it was fully unzipped from throat to tails now that she was indoors. Underneath, she wore a baby blue V-neck sweater that did little to obscure her big melons. But despite the view I tore my gaze away and asked her face, "What was awkward?"

She'd waited patiently for my attention to leave her breasts and only now dropped into the seat beside me. "Marie over there. What did you say to her to make her take off like that?"

I gave her a blank look. "No idea. Not this time."

Deedee sighed and rubbed my leg. "Relax. Whatever's going through that pretty little girl's head, you're the one person in the place she'd be willing to share it with. Just give her time and space and she'll come back to you. She always does."

"The hell if I understand it."

"There's an easy explanation: she likes you."

"Of course."

"No, I mean she LIKES you, likes you."

I smirked and gestured a hand across the room to where Marie had gone. And in a slightly sarcastic voice, I said, "Oh, NOW I see! I always thought I didn't understand women but you've just confirmed it for me. All this time, I thought that when girls fled away it meant that they DIDN'T like me."

Her laugh was musical, as was the delight in Deedee's blue eyes. She gave me a playful slap on the arm and then shook her head before taking a sip of her coffee. And after swallowing, she flashed me a new smile and explained, "Little secret: we had a long talk last night."

I jerked my head back in surprise and gave her a funny look. "You and her?"

"No, me and Ashley," she mocked. "Of COURSE me and Marie."

"Since when did you two get all chummy?"

Deedee shrugged. "I wasn't expecting it, either, but we have been pretty friendly with each other for a while. Well, ever since you and I started boinking at least."

I nodded. It had only made sense for the two to start getting along since Deedee had joined our clique and they had me in common.

My girlfriend then leaned into me. "And of course," she whispered. "A couple of girls are bound to be a little closer when they stick their tongues down each other's throat and help each other get off."

I gulped and felt a tingle run up my spine at the reminder of our aborted Thanksgiving three-way. I had been fully cognizant of my own attempts to keep things friendly between me and Marie in the aftermath, but I suppose I hadn't thought much about the need for Deedee and Marie to do the same.

"Point is: we had a pretty interesting conversation last night while you were playing pool with Aaron and the others. I asked her a few questions she probably didn't want to answer, and made a few observations she didn't seem too enthusiastic about realizing. And one of them was about her true feelings for you."

"She doesn't like me."

"Yes she does."

"She's a lesbian."

"Who decided to stick your dick in her mouth."

"We're friends."

"Only because she's deathly afraid of losing you as a friend. Well, maybe not ONLY. She's pretty damn gun-shy about starting ANY relationships with ANYONE, male OR female."

"She actually TOLD you all this?"

Deedee grimaced and turned to look across the room, waggling her head a little uncertainly. "Well, not in so many WORDS. Todd came over and told us she had a phone call she needed to take. But I was getting the gist of all that. Believe me, a girl knows. Marie likes you. In another world, one where she wasn't facing all these inner demons, she'd have been all over you well before I arrived on the scene, proclaimed lesbian or not."

I took a deep breath and shook my head. "But this isn't another world. This is the one we're all stuck in. She's got those demons, and I'm determined to be her friend. So that's where we are."

"Yeah, that's where we are. I suppose it's a good thing for me," Deedee said with a shrug and a nod, sliding her hand back up my thigh. "If Marie hadn't kept herself on the sidelines, I might not have been able to do this." And then she wrapped an arm around my head and pulled me to her for a firm kiss.

Our tongues played for a little bit, and as our lip lock continued I felt my heartbeat speed up and my adrenaline surge. I started getting into it and turned to hold Deedee's shoulder and give my mouth a better angle against hers. But just as I did so, she pulled away and gave me a bemused look.

"On the other hand, if Marie wasn't keeping herself on the sidelines, maybe all THREE of us would be enjoying this ranch hand program a LOT more. Gawd that girl was so good with her fingers." Deedee sighed rapturously and stared off, looking like she could have another orgasm just from the memory. But after a few seconds, she grinned at me and grabbed my face for another kiss.

"Okay children. Break it up, break it up! Twelve inches between your two bodies. This is a FAMILY camp after all!"

Deedee had stopped an inch short of kissing me again, and with my face still in her hands we both turned to see Aaron waltzing up to us with a shit-eating grin on his face. Zoey and Marie were coming up right behind him.

"Very funny, asshole," Deedee groused before dropping her hands.

Aaron tapped his watch. "Duty calls, loverboy. We got work to do this morning."

"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled as I got up and glanced back at Deedee. "See you later, babe."

"Bye," she replied with a wave and a wink. "To be continued tonight."

I grinned. "You know I'll be there."

-------

The door opened at my touch, the heater was already running, and light shone through the open door to the back bedroom. As usual, Deedee had beaten me here, and with an extra spring in my step I bounded into the cabin. It had been a good day today. I'd gotten a lot of work done, and while my muscles ached, it was the ache of honest labor and not soreness from being out of shape. Indeed, though I'd only lost two or three net pounds since last month, I'd shaved off a lot of fat and packed on a good bit of muscle. True, I still didn't quite look like some of the hardbodies like Caesar and George, but my arms, abs, and calves never looked so good.

Flush with testosterone from the hard work and buoyed with pride at how good I was starting to look, I was eager for some good old-fashioned fucking. I already had in mind the specific way I would hold Deedee's hips from behind while she bent over and took my thick cock into her tight twat doggy-style. And with that vision in my head, I strutted into the bedroom eager to seduce and be seduced as a wonderful way to cap off the evening.

But all that sexual energy evaporated when I saw Deedee sitting in the armchair. There wasn't anything wrong per se, and there was no one else in the room. But I could tell immediately that while this was the appointed place and I had arrived at the appointed time, sex was NOT at the top of her priority list.

The horny male inside me felt a little miffed, having come here expecting to get laid and instead of finding a horny female I was encountering a ... contemplative ... woman. Deedee didn't look up at my entrance, staring off into space with her eyes narrowed and her lips pursed. She was clearly lost in thought, and I approached the armchair slowly, watching her face for any sign that she recognized my presence. And finally, I stood right before her, waving a hand up and down in front of her eyes until she blinked and started in her seat, grabbing the armrests and looking up at me in surprise. "Oh, hey!"

"Hey yourself," I drawled with a smirk. "Uh, is this a bad time?"

"What? Oh, no ... of course not," she muttered while gathering her bearings as if only now remembering where she was and why she was here. Having collected herself, the beautiful blonde smiled and reached her hands up to me. "Hey there, loverboy..."

Feeling somewhat relieved, I accepted her hug. But rather than let her pull me down, I dropped my hands to her ass and hoisted her up, sending her squealing through the air until she found balance once more while molded to my chest with her legs wrapped around my waist and her lips on mine. We kissed tenderly, without hurry. Despite my earlier eagerness I recognized that we weren't going to hastily strip off our clothing and start rutting like rabbits. This was going to be a foreplay warm-up evening.

But even that was overestimating things. Moments later, Deedee pulled her lips off mine and sighed with a mournful note that rather killed the budding erection forming in my pants. Dropping her legs off my waist, she made me set her down on her own two feet and loosen my arms. And as she backed up a step and turned around, I had to ask, "What's wrong?"

"Oh, it's nothing to do with you," she replied immediately, turning back and giving me a brave smile. "It's Marie, actually."

"Marie? What about?"

"You didn't notice how quiet she was at dinner?"

I gave her a blank look and shrugged. "Marie's been quiet at a LOT of dinners the last few weeks. Didn't you tell me just this morning to give her time and space and that she'd come back to me?"

"So you didn't talk to her before dinner or anything? No quick hike off to The Balcony?"

I shook my head. "She wasn't around. I gathered from some of the others that she went off to walk somewhere by herself."

Deedee winced and sat down heavily back in the armchair. "She was doing that all day."

"Really?" I asked with some concern. If anyone would have noticed, it was Deedee. She had been assigned to the same scenic area duty as Marie this morning, and it was far out enough that they had packed their lunches and only returned to camp just before dinner.

Deedee nodded. "When we were working, everything was fine. She was focused on the job and talkative when we needed to communicate. But during breaks she would wander off on her own, and at lunch she simply took her bag and disappeared."

I didn't have an immediate response to that. Frowning, I crossed my arms and sat down on the edge of the bed, mentally rehashing the past few days for any clues that would lead me to a cause for Marie's most recent behavior. She had always been a private person, prone to going off on her own and holding people at arm's length. But the type of conduct Deedee had just described was the way Marie had been the first week or two of the program, not the friend I had come to know these past few months.

"I'm worried about her," Deedee sighed.

I nodded my agreement. For a couple of minutes, we both just sat there in silence, together but alone with our thoughts.

It was Deedee who broke the spell. She was suddenly up and off the armchair, giving me an apologetic look as she stood over my knees and reached down to touch my face. "Oh, I'm sorry. This is exactly what I'd wanted to avoid during these rendezvous."

"What, talking about another woman?"

Deedee laughed. "No! Well ... yes, but not what I meant. I just meant getting into heavy emotions and all that crap. If we wanted to talk about our friends, we could do that anywhere. But here ... this cabin ... this is for fun! This is for sex. This is for unwinding and de-stressing and getting royally pounded after a long day of work, right?"

"Right, right," I nodded in agreement, and taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

"No need for YOU to apologize. YOU were in the right mindset; this is my fault." With a wide grin, she cupped her hands behind my ears, tilted my face up, and pulled my chin into her cleavage. "But at least it's a problem I can fix."

I smiled, willing myself to push Marie from my mind. She was a dear friend, and I was concerned for her. But her little bouts of solitude were nothing new, and I was sure she'd bounce back soon enough. There would be time to talk to her ... later.

Right now, I had more important things to attend to.

Deedee was like-minded, and soon I found myself lying on my back across the bed while she crawled over me like a panther stalking its prey. My girlfriend's golden hair fell artfully around my face until she pulled it all to one side and tilted her head to keep it there. I turned my face to match hers, and we met in a fierce kiss that soon consumed all our attention and helped clear our minds of any outside distractions. My hands found her ass and slid beneath her sweater to stroke her naked spine. Hers tugged at the hem of my sweater, similarly pulling it upward to reveal my bare chest. And after a couple of minutes, we broke our lip-lock long enough for me to pull my shirt over my head and for her to do likewise, lifting with that cross-armed stroke I always love to see.

Deedee was then back on me, kissing me harder than ever while my fingers worked the clasp of her bra. Once I had it undone, she helped me slide it off her arms without ever separating our mouths. I groaned into her throat as I felt her hard nipples etching grooves into my chest. And then my hands were down the back of her work pants, palming her butt cheeks before grabbing at the waistband to start tugging them down as well.

"Hey guys, I'm sorry to interrupt. But I really need to talk to both of you."

The voice surprised the hell out of both of us. I usually locked the front door on my way in, but in my eagerness I must have forgotten tonight. Deedee rolled off me and scrabbled at the sheets to instinctively cover herself, and I raised my arms over my face, adopting a defensive position before my brain caught up to my eyes and realized that it was just Marie.

Only ... it wasn't. The woman standing before me stood straighter, lacking my friend's often hunched-over posture. Her dark hair had been styled, flowing over her shoulders with gentle curves born of a curling iron that Marie never used. Her glasses were missing, giving me a clear view of her angelic face with expertly-applied makeup. Her eyeshadow highlighted her crystal clear blue eyes, and her lipstick emphasized the shape of her nervous smile.

And she was no longer hiding the body I'd long ago realized was under there. She wore a standard-issue Morris Camp Polar Fleece jacket, but this one appeared to really fit her. Actually, on second glance, it seemed a size too small, like she'd borrowed one of Zoey's. The zipper was only pulled up part way, leaving the upper half of the jacket open to accommodate the swells of her large breasts. And jeans that for once didn't look two sizes too large completed the look.

Holding up her hands, Marie gave us an apologetic look and continued. "I know I'm catching you both at an awkward moment, and I wish that could be helped. But this is something that couldn't wait. And really, you aren't hiding anything I haven't already seen."

Deedee recovered more quickly than me, and a wry grin spread across her face. She didn't fling the bedsheet aside and show off or anything, but she sat up straight while demurely keeping the sheet against her chest for basic modesty. I still had my pants on, so I just turned and tried to collect myself. And once we were both settled, Deedee said curiously, "Sure. What's up?"

Marie took a deep breath, resting her hands on her thighs and splaying out all the fingers to stretch them before balling her hands and taking one more deep breath. And after looking Deedee straight in the eye and then turning to fix me with a gaze every bit as intense, she stated, "First, you should know that my real name is Dawn."



-------

Chapter 4: Aurora



-- AUGUST 28 --

Even though I hadn't been this way in over three years, I still knew the roads like the back of my hand. Without needing to consult any maps, I left I-5 and headed west from Yreka, cruising along at a comfortable pace. I wasn't in any hurry. The weather was clear and Orientation wouldn't begin for almost two hours.

Almost lazily, I guided my beater Chevy Malibu around the winding mountain roads. I let my gaze drift out to the rows upon rows of verdant redwoods that lined my path. Above them to both sides rose the imposing Marble Mountains, any surfaces not covered with trees instead exposing rocky brown-gray faces. And below ran the ever-changing, ever-moving blue and white surface of the river.

I pulled into a turnout to let the tailgating black GTI sprint past me and watched it take the next hairpin curve at about sixty-five. I waited and listened to hear if it went crashing through the far side guard railing, possibly to explode on the valley floor in a roiling fireball like in the movies. While the driver of the GTI surely wasn't actively searching for his or her violent death, I could certainly understand such an act as being ... simpler ... than life's continued existence.

But no such explosion came, and I shook aside my morbid thoughts. If I really wanted to kill myself, it would have been much easier to do so back home. I hadn't driven all this way up north just to end my life. Instead, I had hopefully driven all this way to FIND my life once again.

After checking to make sure the way was clear, I pulled back into the road and resumed my trip. I navigated the twists and turns of the mountain road as it hugged the river, sighing in melancholic nostalgia at all the familiar sights. And about forty-five minutes after leaving the highway, I made the final turn onto the main driveway and passed beneath the archway sign that read "Morris Camp".

I followed the driveway, with the creek running on my left and an open field on my right, bordered by a horse fence. About a hundred yards from the road, the Main Lodge appeared amongst a stand of conifers. There were a lot of them around this place (conifers, not lodges): Brewer's spruce, foxtail, ponderosa, and if memory served there was a grouping of mountain hemlock on the far side.

Hemlock ... A different plant by the same name was used to kill Socrates.

Enough with the death thoughts. Pull yourself together, girl.

I bypassed the Main Lodge. The parking lot was only partially full, and I still had more than an hour to get to Orientation. Instead, I drove straight on, leaving the paved asphalt and moving onto dirt roads that got narrower and narrower as I continued. My destination wasn't very far.

And there they were. They looked just the same as they had three years ago. I couldn't go inside; both cabins were currently occupied by paying guests, and would continue to be so through Labor Day weekend at least. But in my mind's eye, I could still see the interiors of both spaces. I could see his bunk in the cabin on the left and remembered the way I'd stroke his hair as he slept, right before tickling him or jumping onto his belly to wake him in the mornings to go to breakfast. I could see my own bunk in the cabin on the right, which would still have both our initials carved into the wood from when we were eight, and the very place where I'd given him my virginity on my sixteenth birthday.

I turned the engine off and lay my forearms on the steering wheel. I set my chin down on top of them, letting my mind fill up with old memories of who I was – who WE used to be. And after staring off into the past for a little while, I tilted my lips down and kissed the silver bracelet that circled my right wrist.

Ben Forever.

Here was where we began. Here was where we would end.

Someday.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

But not today.

Ben was my goal, still my goal. I craved him, needed him in my life. I felt it deep in my pores, and without him I felt like a fish with dry skin. He was the oxygen I needed to breathe. He was the nourishment I needed to survive. Regardless of whatever else had happened to us in the past, I still knew these basic facts deep in my soul. It had nothing to do with our parents. Well, it had everything to do with our parents. But their influence and their subtle (and not-so-subtle) nudging to pair us together were all a part of the past. They were things that had happened already, and nothing short of a time machine would erase them. I had lived my entire life to this point with Ben as a huge, integral, necessary cog in my existence, and the time spent away from him this past summer was nothing if not a reminder that he would continue to be so.

Would he be my husband, the way I'd always dreamed?

Hopefully.

Would he be a sibling, like Brooke or Dayna or the twins: just another part of our joined families?

Maybe.

Would he just be a friend, someone I'd grown up with and then grown up from, like so many people I'd known in grade school and high school and college who might say 'hi' if we passed in the street, but nothing much more than that?

I'd rather die.

Would we find some other balance, some way to be ... special ... to each other and yet without that defining, romantic love? It seemed to be working for Adrienne. She always said he was her rock, and she's never seemed happier than the way things were now.

Adrienne. She had been there, the last time I was here. She'd been WITH him, romantically, as his girlfriend, while I was just the friend. I remembered that day like it was yesterday, hugging him from behind with my forehead against his shoulder. We were standing ... there ... by that parking spot where they always parked his van. And I remembered my own words.

"I love you, Ben," I had whispered, softly so that his girlfriend wouldn't hear. "I'll always be yours ... forever. Don't forget that." And I'd kissed the back of his neck.

"We're still young, Ben, and we've got time. Someday, I WILL marry you."

I could have done it. It would have been so easy. Ben was the spontaneous, romantic type. For all his wonderful qualities, he wasn't the greatest at thinking five steps ahead (except between the sheets). He led with his heart, and sometimes that let him leap before he looked. I could have talked him into getting married a week after breaking up with Ryan, before starting our Junior Year. Nobody would have even questioned us. I was me. And he was him.

But I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't even sure who "ME" was. The girl Ben fell in love with got corrupted somewhere along the way, and I had to find her again. I had to become Ben's soulmate once more.

If that was what I still wanted.

Did I?

I closed my eyes and sighed. Seriously, dying in a fiery explosion would be sooo much simpler than this.

The road trip with Gwen and Robin had given me some space. I'd spent the first part of the trip just trying to FORGET Ben, because to think of him was to remind myself of the evil slut I had become. Selfish actions had led to guilt, which led to a sense of impurity, which led to anger with myself for not being as perfect as I wanted to be. Then I would try and lose myself in some new selfish action, like an overweight glutton diving into a tub of ice cream to simultaneously make herself feel better AND punish herself for previous failures. And the cycle continued to the point where I was already regretting the things I was doing AS I was doing them.

I knew better, but I did it anyway. And I cursed myself for doing it all the while.

Every thought of Ben recalled the very things I'd done to betray him. My very love for him had become a poisonous symbol of that which I'd lost, a reminder of how far I'd fallen, and I'd needed to get away from it all.

It hadn't been easy, and I hadn't been entirely successful. Sure, seeing new things and visiting new places had been a welcome distraction, and as long as I was occupied with posing for pictures with the girls or poring over the maps to make sure we didn't get lost, I had been fine. But for at least a few minutes every night, just before I could fall asleep, my bad deeds would come back to haunt me, and it was all my friends could do to keep me from driving myself insane.

It got easier to avoid my self-loathing as the days went by and as we put more and more miles between him and me. That was when I'd started blaming our families, blaming the pressure put on us to be together and unite the families as one. I began to convince myself that -I- controlled my own destiny, and it was not written in stone that he and I were meant to be together. Gwen quite insistently advocated the notion that there were plenty of guys out in the world, and I started to think I could live a perfectly happy life without him.

By then, we were clear across the country in Washington, D.C. We girls had a few drinks. The lawyer sitting with his friends at the bar was very cute. And for one night, I let myself go. For once, I would enjoy my physical sexuality without Ben around. For once, I would take a step toward an independent future on a path that DIDN'T lead to him.

It had been a mistake. Lying there beneath this stranger, all I could think about was Ben. As cute as Mr. D.C. was, there was no way he could make me feel the way I did with Ben. There was no way he could possibly push my buttons the way my soulmate could.

I couldn't find orgasm. I could barely keep myself from crying. I faked it and Mr. D.C. was satisfied. And then I left to go back to my girlfriends the first chance I got.

I couldn't move on from Ben. I couldn't go back to him. I was trapped on one side by my undying love for him and everything he represented in my life. And I was trapped on the other side by the horrors of my failings and the deep-rooted knowledge that the girl I currently was just wasn't good enough for him.

I'm not worthy of him. And I don't honestly know if I ever will be.

Perfect was impossible. Perfect was an ideal, a mathematical limit that could never be reached. My attempts to BE perfection had always been doomed to fail. Now? Now all I wanted to be was ... his.

Bless his heart, he probably would have taken me back the way I am now. I could see it in his eyes before I left him yesterday. He told me he accepted me however I was. He told me he would be perfectly happy with an imperfect me.

But I still had my pride.

God damn my pride.

Sure, it would have been easier to just crawl back to him and heal together. Easier, but not better. Not for him. He deserves better.

I wouldn't let him take me the way I am. I couldn't. To return to him now, before I'd come to terms with what I'd done, would poison our relationship. It would eat me from the inside, a rotting cancer at my core. For his sake, I knew I had to be better. The only question was: how?

This was my solution. I had come back to this place – this special, special place. It was the birthplace of "us", of the "we" we would become. They say that to find yourself you need to go backwards, to retrace your steps until you find the time when you still recognized yourself in the mirror. I was going back to the beginning, the beginning of Ben and me. I was going back to the place where we recognized each other as soulmates in the hope that one day, I might find myself again.

And I would be doing it as a completely different person.

Checking the time, I saw that I still had about fifteen minutes before the start of Orientation. Plenty of time to check in and get my informational packets. Re-starting the car, I first glanced into the rear-view mirror to make sure I could back out safely, and on impulse, I tilted the mirror down and then smirked at my own reflection.

Same sky blue eyes – apart from color contacts those would never change – but I now put on thin-frame glasses with false lenses. Although I needed no vision correction, the rectangular shape added an edge to my face and already I looked different to myself. Feeling the pads slip a little, I pushed the frame back up the bridge of my nose with my right index finger and sighed. These were going to take a little getting used to.

Above the glasses, I'd cut my bangs into a relatively even row across my forehead. The rest of my hair I'd pulled into a functional ponytail, absent of any sort of style one might consider to be "pretty". And not for the first time, I marveled at my hair's even shade of dark brown, dyed just last night.

The rest of my clothes were similarly plain. The weather was too warm for a sweater, but the baggy plain blue polo shirt was a size too large and did absolutely nothing for my figure, especially with a full coverage, flattening bra underneath. Comfort-fit Lee jeans were similarly unflattering, and the brown hiking boots on my feet were the antithesis of "sexy".

I'd given up my pride. I'd given up my beauty. For far too long in my life, I had been the golden child, the pretty girl, the one who always got her way. I'd used my looks as a weapon to manipulate those around me. I'd played on people's perceptions to make them see me as better than I truly was. I'd cruised through life getting everything handed to me, and grown up to believe such an easy path was my birthright.

I wasn't perfect. I wasn't even going to try to be. I didn't yet know who I would become, but I was determined that the future me be someone who was fully grounded, who EARNED the things she received. I was determined to truly BE a good person, and not just look like one for the sake of looking like one. And I hoped to be someone worthy of him.

I'd put myself in a good position. I was in a place of familiarity, comfort, and warmth. While the work would be hard, I knew all my basic needs would be taken care of. It was a new me in an old place. And here I would make my fresh start.

Upon entering the Main Lodge, I found the signs directing me to the auditorium where Orientation would be held. In the hallway, I saw a familiar staffer at the registration desk, and allowed myself a little smile when he looked at me without familiarity.

I helped him find me on the registration list, and smiled again as he gave me a double-take after reading my name. He slid over an 8 ½" by 11" sheet with several peel-off nametags on it, three of which were already missing. I picked up the black Sharpie, and drew a long line straight down to begin the letter 'D'.

But then I stopped. I stared down at the nametag, visualizing the rest of my name, and I realized something: This was the final thing I had to give up. My name had represented everything of who I was. It had been Ben's favorite word in the whole universe, but now had to be a source of frustration and pain. I didn't deserve that name anymore. The girl I was now wasn't the girl that name truly represented.

Someday ... soon, hopefully ... I would deserve that name again. Someday ... soon ... I would BE the girl for him.

But not today.

I glanced back at the registration list, reading it upside down and a new name caught my eye. It was a name that had always been mine, and yet a name I had scarcely ever used. It was the middle name my parents had given me, in honor of my paternal grandmother long since gone.

And steadying the Sharpie once more, I wrote in neat, blocky letters: Marie.

-------

-- AUGUST 29 --

"What about you, Marie?"

"Marie?"

That's YOUR name, remember?

Jerking my head up, I blinked twice and looked in the direction of Sunflower, the girl with the hippie parents who had just spoken to me. Glancing around the circle, I realized that the other four girls sitting with us were ALSO looking right at me.

"Uh, can you repeat the question?"

Sunflower (or "Sunny" as she liked to be called) giggled and glanced at the others. "We were just sharing what made us join the program and come here. It's your turn."

"Oh, um. Yeah, uh..." I fumbled for a moment, staring at my kneecaps in my seated position. Pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose, I shrugged and explained, "Just needed a break from school. Took a year off."

"Which school?"

"Uh, I'd really rather not say."

Sunny's eyebrows went up in surprise. "Uh, okay then ... Have you been to the camp before?"

"Yeah, yeah. I gather that pretty much everyone has."

"When did your family usually come? I don't know if any of us has ever seen you before. Ashley and I were August kids. Zoey and Tamara were July. Lucy came in June."

I blushed and looked down. I actually recognized Tamara, although she was a few years older and we'd never hung out during previous years. I would have thought I'd recognize Zoey, my roommate, but apparently her family just came for the occasional weekend and we didn't really cross paths. Still, I didn't know who else might recognize the real me, and I kept my eyes downcast as I replied, "Well, I'd rather not say."

The girls all sort of looked at me for a second, wondering what kind of weirdo had come to join their midst. A second later, Tamara changed the topic by volunteering to share her life story. And I let out a big sigh.

I was going to have to decide soon: either come up with a fake background to give to everyone and hope I remembered all the details, or just spill the beans and hope nobody connected me to ... myself.

Or just keep saying "I'd rather not say".

Yeah, I liked that better.

-------

-- SEPTEMBER 1 --

"Edwin?" I suggested.

"Nerd. And not in a cute, geeky way," Zoey scoffed.

"How about George? He's handsome and studly."

"Maybe. He's a lead, though. The really hot girls always go after the leads first. Look at me, I can't compete with them."

"Sure you can. You're very, very cute yourself."

"Am not. I'm weird and I've got purple hair and cute guys don't like sarcasm," Zoey sighed, picking at her cuticles. "But you're pretty hot, at least if you'd try to be. YOU could get George."

"Not interested," I drawled, waving her off immediately.

"I know, I know. Your funeral." She sighed and leaned back on her towel, adjusting her sunglasses. "I can't hook up with one of the jock-types. I need somebody weird ... quirky ... like me."

"Aaron's a certifiable nutcase," I suggested with a little grin.

"Aaron? Yeah, right. A little too nutcase, if you ask me." She turned her head and rolled her eyes.

"Maybe. But if you ask me, he likes you."

"Does not."

"Oh, yeah? Then why is he always going out of his way to needle you?" I waggled my eyebrows suggestively.

"Because I react. It's an attention thing and he's a pest. If I could get myself to stop reacting to him, he'd leave me alone."

"'You 'fight back' is more like it. It's sparring. It's you guys' way of flirting."

"I'm not flirting. Gawd. As if I'd be attracted to so repellant a human being. Aaron is a foul-mouthed, uncouth barbarian."

"Getting a little worked up over someone you claim to have no interest in."

"As IF..." Zoey rolled her eyes. "Aaron and I are about as likely to hook up as you and ... and ... Fat Nick!"

"Pssht," I scoffed. "Yeah right."

Zoey likewise started laughing. "Ohmigawd, did you see his swim trunks today? Neon ORANGE. As if he didn't stick out enough like a sore thumb already. Where is he anyway? Guy that big should be hard to miss."

Zoey turned and scanned the water. It was a lazy Thursday afternoon, and with the full summer staff still in place, the camp wasn't putting us to hard labor just yet. We were still going through orientation, shadowing the regular staff, and being introduced to some of the basic "chores". Technically, we were spending the afternoon going over water safety. But that had finished twenty minutes ago and now we were just hanging out until dinner.

"Ohmigawd. Is he drowning?" Zoey suddenly gasped.

I picked my head up and followed my roommate's line of sight. Sure enough, there was a large, pale mass of human being foundering in the water just twenty feet away from us. I gasped in surprise, and instinctively got up to help. But while we were still in the getting-to-know you phase, in the interests of keeping my body under wraps and avoiding unwanted attention, I had not changed into a swimsuit and instead remained fully dressed, complete with a wide-brimmed hat and light long-sleeved overshirt.

My hands fumbled at the buttons to strip off my extra clothing, but Zoey had already taken off. We had been lying out on a grassy strip alongside the lake, where there was no sandy beach to speak of and the water dropped four feet immediately over the edge. Zoey launched herself in a perfect dive, and after three strokes she'd already reached Nick, who had gone under the water twice by now.

I ran to the water's edge myself, just in case Zoey needed more help. But fortunately, fat is quite buoyant. And as Zoey settled into a lifesaver's side stroke with Nick being towed on his back by her off-arm, I quickly realized that she was doing just fine on her own.

By now, a small crowd had formed, mixed guests and other ranch hands. A few of the guys were already chuckling to themselves about Fat Nick needing to be rescued by a 115-pound GIRL. And I shook my head as well in mild disbelief.

Hey, at least nobody was looking at me.

-------

-- SEPTEMBER 4 --

Somewhere behind me, I heard the sounds of feet scuffling in the dirt, followed by a male voice warbling, "Whoa! Whoa!" And then there was a meaty thump.

I stopped walking and turned about to see Nick face-down on the trail, snorting out dust that had gone up his nose. Aaron and Zoey were howling in laughter, and I shot Aaron a dirty look, wondering if he'd tripped the poor guy. When I realized that no one was immediately going to help Nick up, I rolled my eyes and backtracked to the fallen schlub, kneeling beside him and touching his shoulder.

"C'mon, it's not very far now," I encouraged. "We're almost there. Really. Since you've never been, this is something you really shouldn't miss. And we're running out of time."

With a groan, Nick rolled onto his side and accepted Aaron's proffered hand. Once he was upright, Aaron made some dry comment about hitting absolute rock bottom, which didn't exactly help his spirits any. And I wondered to myself just how much more the guy could take.

It had been easy to see from the beginning that Nick was completely out of sorts here at Morris Camp. Whereas everyone else in the ranch hand program had at least come from an outdoorsy background, even if not from the Camp itself, the guy seemed like his most extensive camping experience had been pitching a Power Rangers tent on his bedroom floor. He'd started off with a little self-confidence, almost cocky at Orientation in his nice shoes, designer jeans, and expensive cologne. But then he'd been rather rudely introduced to raw physical labor, and that confidence had more or less evaporated by the end of the first day.

In a word, Nick was pathetic. He was obviously out of shape, and had picked up the nickname "Fat Nick" on Day One. I refused to call him that, and certainly I'd seen fatter people in my life. But it was a moniker that wasn't altogether untrue: Though his excess weight was more overall chubbiness than a rotund waistline, Nick was fat, especially in comparison with the rest of us.

He didn't belong here – he knew it, I knew it, everybody knew it. Seriously, who wears cologne at a rural camp in the middle of nowhere? Nick was a fish out of water, completely out of his element, and lacked even Clue One about how to fit in. A week of having the crushing realization of his utter ineptitude had completely beaten him down, ripped out his soul, and left him a walking shell of a man. He was perpetually out of breath, he sweated more than he could possibly drink, and he was clearly miserable at all hours of the day. So why stay? We weren't prisoners. This was a voluntary program with no penalties for quitting. It made no sense that he was here.

There was much speculation amongst the ranch hands as to exactly WHY a fat, uptown city-boy had signed up for a year in the great outdoors with little pay and few creature comforts. People who asked got half-assed explanations about his parents sending him out here to build character and other bullshit, but I personally thought there had to be more to it. The guy was 23 and already graduated from college. Men that age don't get 'sent' where their parents tell them to go – we weren't high schoolers off to summer camp anymore. But Nick had very quickly become the "unpopular" guy, not because he was unpleasant to be around but really just because he was out of shape and didn't know how to do some of the most basic ranch chores. And no one really wanted to form their budding clique of friends around the unpopular guy, so no one really got close enough to him to find out more.

Except for us. Aaron was Nick's roommate, and whatever character flaws Aaron had, disloyalty wasn't one of them. He stuck by his roommate, doing his best to show Nick the ropes and prod him from Point A to Point B is his own sarcastic, sometimes rudely harsh way. I was more surprised to find that Zoey had some interest in Nick, not romantic in any way but an almost maternal concern for his well-being. Perhaps she felt some sort of cosmic responsibility for him after the lake-rescue. Personally, I thought she liked Aaron more than she let on – nobody banters THAT much with a member of the opposite sex without it meaning something. Hanging out with Nick would then be more of a by-product of her simmering crush on Nick's roommate.

As for me, I was still trying to keep out of the limelight. Others girls had made initial overtures at being friends, and some of the guys had noticed my attractiveness beneath the glasses, lack of makeup, and frumpy clothes. But I resisted all of them. It wasn't that I was against having friends; but for now at least, I really just wanted to focus on the job and have a little more time for self-reflection. Falling in with a crew that included the least popular person in the program was just ... convenient.

At least I wasn't worried about him hitting on me. Aaron was an unrepentant letch, but other than staring at my ass a few times, he respected my wishes to be left alone. Nick didn't even stare. He was so far gone that every ounce of his willpower seemed to be consumed by merely putting one foot in front of the other, especially as he made the hike with us up to The Ridge. And even when he wasn't hiking uphill, his ego had reached such a low point that he seemed to have lost his masculinity period. Hell, the guy barely even glanced at Deedee when the busty blonde walked by in a scoop-necked top. It was as if he'd completely given up.

And yet he hadn't walked away from the program. Why?

As it turned out, I would be the first to know ... sort of. Once atop the ridge we wound up sitting together, and I found myself asking him why he was here.

And he told me ... sort of.

I didn't get the details. He didn't offer them and I didn't press. But one thing I got was that despite the obvious differences between us, our situations weren't really so dissimilar.

We'd both made mistakes in our previous lives. We both were here as a form of penance because of those mistakes. And for both of us, this was an opportunity for a fresh start.

NOW we had something to talk about.

-------

-- SEPTEMBER 5 --

"They keep going and going and going..." Nick sighed, watching a red Honda Pilot kick up a cloud of dust as it drove past us, went through the archway, and then made a left turn onto the main road. "How many has that been?"

"Fuck man, you seriously thought I was counting those things?" Aaron scoffed.

"That's the sixth SUV we've seen, four minivans, two sedans, and the 70s-era Oldsmobile," I stated before looking up the road to see a Dodge Grand Caravan pull out of the main lodge parking lot. "Make that five minivans."

Zoey rolled her eyes and dropped off the horse fence that we were all sitting on. "You people need a better hobby. And I need a Coke." She dusted off her knees and then looked back at me. "Coming with?"

I closed my eyes as a burst of wind rushed cooling air through my hair and over my face. We were well-shaded by a tree and really didn't have anywhere to be. It was the afternoon of Labor Day, and fully 90% of the camp guests were packing up and heading home to return to school, jobs, and the rest of their lives. Just about all the summer staff were leaving as well, and as the grand majority continued to depart, I actually thought I could feel the whole camp becoming quieter.

I liked it.

Opening my eyes after the wind died down, I shook my head and replied, "I'm good right here."

"I'm going," Aaron spoke up and hopped off the fence. "Cold drink sounds great. Nick? Surely you can't turn down an ice cold Diet Coke."

The big lug shook his head. "You two go on ahead. I'll keep Marie company. We'll meet up with you guys before dinner."

Zoey and Aaron shrugged and then went on their way. It wasn't like they were trying to give Nick and me "alone" time; there was no chance of romance. He knew it; I knew it. Still, I appreciated the gesture.

"So, fourteen cars in the last hour?" he asked as he slipped off the rail and walked closer to me. Climbing back onto the railing with about two feet of space between us, he nodded forward with his head and asked, "Are you even tempted to get up and head home yourself?"

"Not in the least," I replied, staring down the exit road. "But I'm sure you are."

"Of course I am. My own bedroom with air conditioning. Cable TV. Dodgers Games. BEER."

I smirked. "What, they won't serve you beer in prison?"

Nick blushed and looked away. "Hey, about telling you all that stuff. Last night, I didn't ask you to keep that private or anything, but I'd actually appreciate it if--"

"If I kept that private?"

His ears reddened. "Well ... yeah."

"No worries. I'm pretty good at keeping secrets."

"I'll say. After Aaron and Zoey, it feels like I spend the most time with you ... and I barely know a thing about you."

"Not much to tell."

He chuckled. "Somehow, I doubt that."

I looked over at him, waiting for the follow-up question that would be his initial probe into my past. But I found that his eyes were closed and he was enjoying the same kind of cool breeze that I'd experienced a minute ago. His face was one of serenity, relishing this simple pleasure. I couldn't help but be reminded of his stated preference for modern creature comforts, and with a smile I leaned over and asked, "Better than air conditioning?"

Still with his eyes closed, he smiled and replied, "Nope. But I'll take what I can get. I've got a lot of ... insulation ... Takes a lot to keep this body cool."

I took a glance down at his body. To be perfectly fair, Nick wasn't THAT fat. Oh, he certainly was out of shape, and he really was the fattest ranch hand in the program. But compared to a lot of people I'd known over my life, both at college and at home, he could have been a lot worse. With the regular exercise this program would require of him, I was sure he'd shape up in a few months. And once that happened, well, he actually had some rather good-looking features he could work with.

"Punch bug!" Out of nowhere, a fist came out and lightly jabbed me in the shoulder.

"Oww!" I jerked back, scowling in surprise at Nick before noticing the lime green VW New Beetle go rolling down the road. "Did you just hit me?"

"Uh, well..." he stammered, his face turning bright pink. "I'm sorry. I don't even know what got into me."

My eyebrows popped as movement behind him caught my eye, and with a grin I reached forward and punched him in his upper left chest, calling "Red one!"

"Oww!" he grunted in surprise before turning his head. Sure enough, a bright red beetle went rolling after the green one. Perhaps they were together.

That left the two of us just sort of grinning at each other like idiots. There were no more cars coming right away, let alone any Beetles. I looked at the silly grin on his face, and how relaxed he seemed to be. Given that we were just talking a minute ago about his whole prison-thing, his current mood seemed a little incongruous. "You know, for a guy who is only stuck here by court order, and who quite honestly seems rather out of his element by all the ranch duties we have, you seem pretty chilled out."

He shrugged. "Bit of a wake-up call I'll admit. But if there's a silver lining in getting my ass physically handed to me each and every day, it's that it's forcing me to appreciate some of the simpler things in life: Ice cold soda at the end of the day..."

"Cool breeze while sitting in the shade..." I chimed in while feeling another gust of wind blow across my forehead.

"Sitting next to a pretty girl without worrying whether or not I'm impressing her."

I glanced over at him. "You're not worried about impressing me?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "Believe me, I have no delusions about doing THAT. After needing Zoey's skinny butt to save my life out on the lake a few days ago, I am quite conscious of the fact that I have ZERO chance of ever getting laid with ANY of the girls here."

"Oh, it wasn't that bad..."

"Wasn't it?" He gave me a rueful smile. "Anyway, it's been strangely liberating. I used to spend all my time worrying about how good my clothes looked or flashing my money or buying girls drinks in the remotest of hopes that doing so might eventually worm my way into their panties. But here? Never gonna happen. Not that I don't think you're worth the pursuit, Marie. I don't mean any offense."

"None taken." I waved him off and arched my eyebrow at him, still trying to figure him out. "I'm surprised though. I would imagine most guys finding themselves in your position would be ... well... depressed by their situation. Or angry. Or something."

"You expect me to get all bottled up in impotent rage?"

"Something like that."

He shrugged and looked down the road, seeing another minivan make the turn. Waving at it, he sighed and said, "They're all going home. Everyone. And I'm stuck here. Nothing much I can do about that. I fucked up. I fucked up big time. My ego told me I could drive just fine, so what if I had a few extra drinks? My friends tried to take away the keys. But I got all macho about it and let my pride do the talking. Next thing you know, I'm out of control and my car is parked at Table 12 of a half-empty diner, my headlights shining into the terrified face of some poor waitress who thought for sure she was gonna die."

I blinked in shock at the picture he'd just painted for me. My neck was stiff and my fingernails were digging into the wood rail beneath me. "Jesus..." I breathed.

Nick went silent for a long while, staring off at nothing. I got the distinct impression he hadn't explained that whole story out loud in quite some time, and he was reliving the moment while a self-disgusted scowl spread across his face.

I realized my throat had become dry, and after swallowing, I found my voice and asked, "Was anyone hurt?"

My question seemed to snap him from his reverie, and after a bit of hesitation while he re-connected himself to the real world, Nick glanced at me before looking away and shaking his head. "No, actually. Freaking miracle. Lots and lots of property damage, but no one actually got hurt. Good thing the diner wasn't more popular, huh?"

"Guess so," was all I could reply.

We both went quiet again, but Nick didn't let the silence linger. Sitting up straight, he turned and shrugged. "So that's my story. That's why I'm stuck here. I fucked up, and I'm getting off lightly. I know it, so there's nothing for me to get angry about, or depressed about. Yeah, I'm out of shape. Yeah, I'm not getting laid anytime soon. But my situation could be much, MUCH worse. I shudder to think of what might have been had that diner been any more popular."

"Uh-huh..."

Nick took a deep breath. Then he gave me an embarrassed look, and asked, "Um, do you mind not telling anybody all that?"

I popped my eyebrows and then mimed zipping my lips. "Your secret is safe with me."

"Thanks, Marie."

I nodded, and then gave him a curious look. "Can I ask why you told me? Like you said: you barely know a thing about me."

He shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I knew I had to get that off my chest. Telling you just seemed ... I dunno ... It just felt right."

I nodded and gave him a hopeful smile. "Well thank you. That's an awful lot of trust you just put in me."

"I'm not worried," he replied before going back to looking at the departing cars. "Here comes another SUV. Tahoe, I think."

I frowned at him, still curious. "Aren't you going to ask me my story? You just told me yours."

Nick glanced over at me as if he hadn't even really thought about it. "Do you want to tell me?"

"Uh, well ... Not really, I suppose," I answered truthfully. "I just thought, usually when someone says something really personal to someone they don't know very well, the first thing they do is trying to find out more about the person they just told."

He shrugged. "But you don't want to tell me. I'm cool with that."

"You're not even curious?"

"Of course I'm curious." He took a deep breath and looked over at me. "You're a very pretty girl, Marie, though you're trying not to be. You hide your body under really fugly clothes. You glare at any guy who so much as looks at you. Clearly, there's some odd behavior that begs an explanation. Of course I'm curious."

"But you're not going to ask?"

He shrugged. "Not my business. If you want to tell me, I'm all ears. If not ... no pressure."

"Huh..." I turned all that over in my head for a bit before reaching over and patting Nick's shoulder. He turned and looked in surprise that I was even touching him. "You were wrong, Nick."

"Wrong?" He looked thoroughly confused.

I smiled broadly. "You just impressed me."

-------

-- SEPTEMBER 10 --

"THERE you are!" Zoey exclaimed as I walked into our room late in the evening. "I was beginning to wonder if I should send out a search party."

I rolled my eyes and looked at the clock. "It's barely after nine, and on a Saturday with the camp mostly empty. It's not like we have to get up at the crack of dawn in the morning anymore."

"We're still usually in bed by nine. And if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were holed up in some private little spot with a guy's tongue in your mouth."

I shot her a look and frowned. "Yeah, right." I went to my dresser and started pulling out my bedclothes.

Zoey began singing, "Nick and Marie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S--"

"Ohmigawd, grow up!" I snapped at her. "What are you, nine?"

My roommate started giggling. "Hey, people are starting to talk. You two have been awfully chummy the last couple of weeks."

"We're friends. Everyone knows that."

"Uh-huh. Rumor is you like 'em chunky, which is why you hadn't hooked up with anyone else yet."

"Oh, really? Then what's your excuse for being single?"

"Hey, I know what I got and I ain't got what YOU got." She leaned back on her bed, planting her hands on the mattress behind her and canting her head to the side as she obviously ogled me. By now I'd already removed my sweatshirt and stood there in just my bra and hunter green cargo pants.

I threw my sweatshirt at her, hitting her across the face.

She laughed and pulled my sweatshirt away. "I'm just saying that if I had a body like yours, I'd have half the men lined up outside my door begging for a crack at me."

"Which is why I DON'T go around advertising it to people," I sighed, pulling off my pants and then grabbing a thick towel and my bathroom bag.

"What gives, Marie? You've got all that going for you and yet you seem like you'd rather spend every night alone in your bunk with Big Ben."

I blushed at the mention of the dildo I kept in the top drawer of my nightstand, though not because I was embarrassed about masturbating. Every girl I knew did it, and Zoey and I had even done it at the same time in this very room, albeit in our very separate beds. It was just something a girl had to do every now and again. "I should never have told you his name."

"What, the dildo? Or your ex-boyfriend?"

"Both."

"Doesn't matter. I figured it out after the first two or ten times that you moaned his name in the middle of the night."

I sighed and then wrapped the thick towel around my torso before adding a plush bathrobe over that as well, turning my figure into a rough, padded cylinder. "The boyfriend is long gone. I'm not interested in getting a new one, with Nick or anybody else. And really, Big Ben the dildo does a perfectly good job of keeping me satisfied, alright?"

Zoey sighed as well, and then leaned back on her hands once more. She heard the plea in my voice to stop teasing, and nodded in acquiescence. But just as I turned away from her and started for the door, she spoke up quietly, saying, "Hey Marie?"

I paused and looked back at her. My roommate looked suddenly nervous, and she licked her lips before pinching them together tightly and dropping her gaze to the floor as if in embarrassment. "Yeah?" I asked.

She didn't answer right away, keeping her gaze down. But as I turned back to face her, she flicked her eyes up to mine and suggested with a quiver in her voice, "I don't know if you're interested, but if you like, maybe one of these nights I could give you an extra hand with Big Ben."

Though caught off-guard, I wasn't completely surprised by Zoey's offer. Just like noticing which guys checked me out, it was hard not to notice Zoey watching me undress whenever we were alone in this room. My first impulse was to turn her down, to politely inform her that I didn't swing that way and then work to defuse any future awkwardness for the sake of maintaining our friendship. That would nip things in the bud and help me maintain the celibacy I'd promised myself in penance for what I'd done to Ben.

Abstinence was something I HAD to do. I was a criminal, in a moral sense if not legal. After what I'd done to him, it was only fair that he continue to find some physical pleasure while I denied it to myself. I'd called him, as promised, just last week ... Or was it two? The conversation had been brief, and awkward. Neither of us really knew what to say to each other. He'd asked about camp and I'd told him about the work I was doing, the new skills I was learning.

And then the question had just sort of tumbled out of my mouth. I hadn't meant to ask him, didn't think it was FAIR for me to ask him, but the words were already gone. I'd asked if there was anyone special in his life, a new girlfriend or a potential one or even just immersing himself in Tri-Delts. He'd gone quiet for a long few seconds, maybe even a full minute, and I'd started to panic that he would tell me he'd fallen in love. But no, he'd said he was just trying to learn to get along by himself, and that there was no romance on his horizon.

And then he'd said the words that sent a chill through my heart: "Dawn ... I'm waiting for you."

In fairness, he did admit that he was having sex. Brooke and DJ were obvious: they were family, and I was glad for Ben's sake that they were around to take care of his legendary libido. I even liked to think that they would be enough to keep his hormones fully in check, saving him for me until I returned. He then told me that he had been boning Paige, but assured me that theirs was not and would not become a romantic relationship. And then he told me he had no other lovers beyond those three.

I didn't begrudge him those three. Even his booty-calls with Paige made logical sense now that she'd returned to school while still taking care of her baby in Atherton. He deserved them. He had done nothing wrong. -I- was the one who required penance.

But then again, it wasn't like I'd be sleeping with a GUY. Despite my promises to myself for abstinence, I still had my hormones. Ben often said he was a sexual creature, and the reality was that I was too. My over-charged sex-drive of the last few months at Berkeley had faded after my break-up, but I still had sexual cravings and desires. Except for that mistake with D.C. guy, I had learned to make do with just Big Ben, my own fingers, and a little device Dayna had found online called the "Pocket Rocket".

The truth was, I hadn't orgasmed from another human being since Jaron, and the less I thought about that the better. I KNEW I didn't want another dick in me until Ben. But another woman? Would that really be so bad?

So far I had gotten by without even sleeping with other girls. But a whole year is a long time to go completely solo. Maybe another girl would be okay, right? After all, while I could see the hurt in Ben's eyes whenever he watched another man take me, I had never seen anything but lustful arousal in his gaze every time I was with another girl. Staying away from men was important in finding myself again – in becoming the person I needed to be for him. On the other hand, having sex with girls was just part and parcel of who WE were, together.

I needed this. I NEEDED this. I'd gone MONTHS without feeling the tender touch of another human being against my skin. I was lonely, and it wasn't like I'd be sleeping with a GUY. I NEEDED this.

But that need was selfish. That was physical pleasure for the sake of making myself feel better. Letting Zoey "help" me get off would do nothing for getting me back together with Ben. It would only be for giving MYSELF pleasure.

And I didn't deserve that.

"Thanks for the offer," I told Zoey with a blush. "I know it took a lot of guts for you to say that, and I want to assure you that I don't feel offended or weirded out by it. I've done some experimenting myself with other girls, but I don't swing that way. Sorry."

"Oh, no, no. No need to apologize," she stammered before pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. Looking away from me, she kept rambling, "I know a lot of people look at the weird hair and the bitchy attitude and think I'm this total dyke. And honestly, I do like girls. But I'm totally into guys and you already knew that from all we've been talking about the guys around here and it's totally cool that you're straight, really. I don't want to make you feel awkward or anything and it's cool and I'm sorry I brought it up and I never wanted you to feel like I was coming ON to you or anything and--"

"It's cool," I interrupted, holding my hand up and giving her a warm, encouraging smile. "I'd be flattered if you were coming onto me. But we're friends and I'd like to keep it that way. Alright?"

"Right!" she nodded, a little extra vigorously. "Right."

"Right." I nodded myself, and before the situation got any more awkward, I opened the door and left.

-------

-- SEPTEMBER 25 --

I was sitting well back from the bonfire, perched on a familiar boulder up the hill. It was a rock I knew quite well, having spent more evenings than I could remember in this very spot. Almost absentmindedly, I let my right hand reach out to the empty space beside me, the place where he would always sit. And I sighed as I felt my heart sink just a little to miss his presence by my side.

Youthful giggles caught my attention, and I looked twenty feet over to my left to see a couple of elementary-aged boys setting their marshmallows on fire. One boy, about eight, seemed to be doing it deliberately, while the older brother was getting exasperated trying to both roast his marshmallow correctly and also teach his younger brother at the same time.

"Hey, you work here, right?" The elder brother suddenly asked the darkness.

"Uh, yeah," a familiar voice replied before stepping into the light. I smiled as I saw that it was Nick.

"Can you teach us how to roast a s'more? I keep setting mine on fire."

"Uh, well, actually ... I've never made a s'more." Nick fumbled for a minute, glancing around the bonfire. There were about ten other people nearby, at least two of them fellow ranch hands. And probably any one of them would be a better teacher for the kids.

"C'mon, Mister. Please?"

"Uh, sure. I'll give it a shot." Nick took the proffered roasting stick, jabbed it amongst the flames, and promptly set his marshmallow on fire.

I couldn't help but burst out laughing. The sound caught Nick's attention, and he looked up at me with a chagrined expression on his face. "Need a little help there, big guy?" I asked as I slid off the rock onto the tree stump beside it, and then hopped down the rest of the way.

There was a challenge in my voice, a tone Nick didn't fail to detect. Setting his jaw, he popped the burnt marshmallow off his stick and handed it to the boy, and then reached into the bag and pulling out a fresh one. I watched with a smirk as he eyeballed the marshmallow and studied the fire for a moment. And then with careful concentration, he aimed the gooey white ball of sugar into a pocket of heat between the flames without actually touching any, carefully maneuvering the marshmallow's location with the flickering flames.

"Is it done yet?" the eight-year-old asked thirty seconds later.

"Give it a minute," Nick replied without taking his eyes off the marshmallow. By now, I was standing right behind him, watching with amusement. He was careful not to touch the flames, rotating his ball like a rotisserie amidst the heat. And after another two minutes or so, he pulled his stick back with a nicely golden-browned marshmallow on the end. "Ha-HA!" he crowed proudly.

"Thanks, Mister!" the elder brother said effusively, taking the stick back.

"Nothing to it. Just get as much heat as you can without actually touching the flames. It's all about patience."

"Got it."

Nick patted the kid on his shoulder, and then looked up at me.

"Good job, hotshot," I drawled with my arms folded across my chest.

"Piece of cake."

"Uh-huh. For a ten-year-old," I cracked with a smirk. And then turning on my heel, I headed back up the hill to my familiar boulder.

Nick followed after me up onto the stump and then onto the boulder by my side. We had no sooner gotten seated than Zoey went cruising by, singing, "Nick and Marie, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S--"

"We're sitting on a ROCK, Zoey! Not a tree!" Nick shot back right away. "Might wanna get those glasses checked!"

I rolled my eyes and grinned. Just another evening in paradise.

-------

-- SEPTEMBER 27 --

"I think I'm actually starting to like it here," Nick sighed as he leaned against a big subalpine fir atop this little ledge.

"You've always said you liked this view," I replied, gesturing out toward the sunset. The two of us had come here, to 'The Balcony', specifically for the setting sun. Normally there would be a modest crowd, but the official end of tourist season was this weekend and already the guest count was down below twenty. And all of them typically hiked out to The Ridge for the grander spectacle.

"Well, I always liked the view. I mean I'm actually starting to like it here, at this camp."

My eyebrows went up and I put on a fake pout. "And what, the last month spent in my company has just been chopped liver?"

He favored me with a sideways smirk and shook his head. "Course not. Hanging out with you has been the highlight of my existence."

"Until now." I arched an eyebrow at him. "Having Deedee flash her tits at you yesterday must have knocked me off the top perch. What did she do now? Show you the whole enchilada?"

"What? No..." Nick laughed. "Nothing happened with me and Deedee, and nothing's gonna happen. You know she didn't flash me on purpose, and I never should've told you I actually saw her naked."

"Perhaps not. But what's done is done."

He shrugged and looked out at the setting sun.

"So if not Deedee's tits, what IS responsible for your sudden change of heart? Wait, don't tell me. The only thing new is ... the cabin construction thing?"

Nick turned to me and smiled. "Yeah, good insight."

I screwed up my face and then pushed my glasses up the bridge of my nose, as they had started to slip. "Funny thing to get all excited about."

"Sure as hell beats shoveling manure."

"Okay ... I'll give you that."

"No, what's really cool is the construction aspect of it. Believe me, I'm no genius at working with my hands."

"I believe it," I drawled with a smirk and a flash of innuendo in my eyes.

He caught the look and blushed. "I don't mean like THAT. I just mean, my dad didn't teach me how to use power tools or anything like that growing up. Today was quite literally the first time I've ever held a cordless drill, let alone a miter saw."

"Ooh, tough guy getting his hands on power tools for the first time."

"Yes!" he crowed as he faced me, the sunset now completely forgotten. "Holding that equipment in my hands, feeling the vibration and energy, and then seeing what I could really DO with it. Man, it was such a rush!"

"One might think they would sell power tools in LA."

"Yeah, but in my old life I'd never have a reason to use them. Got a problem? Call the super."

"Must be nice."

"I honestly took it for granted; didn't know any better. But now that we're looking over the plans for this cabin we're building, it got me thinking about the cabin we're sleeping in. These things really aren't all that complicated: coupla boards with insulation stuffed between them, electrical wires ... I feel like I could almost build these things out of Legos! As soon as lunch was over I went crawling around our cabin and the girls' staff cabin next door."

"I know. Melanie came by the barn and told me she saw you snooping around the windows trying to catch a peek."

"I wasn't! She did NOT!" he insisted indignantly.

I laughed. "That's what she said."

Nick's ears reddened. "Ah, shit. Now I'm the camp PERVE."

I waved him off. "Relax. She also told me she saw you crawling around the foundation scoping things out."

"Well ... it's interesting. I remember taking high school physics and wondering what the hell for. Now, some of that stuff actually makes sense."

I smiled ruefully. "One day of cabin detail does more for improving your mood than an entire month spending time with me."

He paused and gave me a heartfelt look, his eyes softening like a puppy's as he stared right at me. "No way. I wouldn't have made it this far without you, Marie."

Now it was my turn to blush.

But rather than let the moment get awkward, he turned and stared back at the horizon. The sun was now halfway down, and the sky was dimming rapidly. "I feel like I'm becoming a new person out here. The last couple of days, I haven't wondered how badly my email is piling up. I haven't wondered how the baseball playoffs are going. And I haven't even really missed my cell phone. I used to wake up in the morning completely miserable, in denial that it was 6 AM and mentally counting down the days until I could leave this hellhole and go home without getting arrested for it. I used to pray for sweet death to save me from my melancholy. And a couple of times, I actually started crying over how out of shape and out of place I felt amongst all of you."

I frowned and looked at him sadly. "You never told me you cried..."

He just shrugged and looked away. "Look at me now. I've lost fifteen pounds already and I'm getting a nice tan. I'm not sweating bullets just hiking from the Main Lodge up to the staff cabin anymore. And today, I really started BUILDING something with my own two hands. I CREATED something that will last, not just making money out of thin air by telling rich white men shit they should already know. For the first time in my life, I can actually SEE myself as a capable MAN: strong, fit, and able to fix things on my own without having to call a super. I'm not there yet – fuck I need to lose another twenty pounds at least and there's a helluva lot more I need to learn about power tools – but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can actually see the man I just could be..."

There was such wonder in Nick's eyes that all I could do was watch him, for fear of ruining the moment with my voice. He was well and truly having an epiphany, seeing his life change before his very eyes.

And that made me sad.

I'd always known that this was a magical place. Here, detached from the real world, I'd seen and experienced so many things. Here, my own life had changed dramatically in more ways than one. And here, I believed I would eventually reach my own life-altering moment to take me away from... her ... and back to... me...

But it hadn't happened yet.

And I wondered if it ever would.

I wanted to change my life. I wanted to become ... better ... But I had no idea how to do it or what steps I needed to take. I had no idea what path I should be on in order to take myself back to... him...

To the man I still loved...

To my original handyman, who fixed toilets, killed spiders, and repaired appliances. To the man who really was a genius at working with his hands ... in that innuendo-laced way that made my panties damp just to remember.

Nick wasn't him. Nick wasn't anything LIKE him. He was just a baby, coming out of his sheltered existence, learning his way and looking at the world in wonder as if for the first time. I was happy for him.

But I was still sad for me.

-------

-- OCTOBER 3 --

I'd been watching the signs for days. First, a waxy coating had appeared on Merryweather's teats. Milk had started to run from them two days ago. And I'd been able to feel the muscles over her buttocks fall and relax to provide an easier passage.

This morning, Merryweather had been extremely agitated, pacing around her pen or standing rigid for long stretches at a time. Her swollen belly was obviously uncomfortable, and I could only imagine what sensations she must be feeling. But then five minutes ago she'd lain down, and I just knew it was time.

I took off at a dead run to find George, excited and anxious. The lead in charge of the stables was on the other side of the corral, working with Ken on proper riding technique when I showed up, huffing for breath. "Merryweather is lying down," I informed him.

George glanced over at me. "Wow, this early? Must not want to wait until tonight."

I shrugged, not really knowing how to answer that. I'd been told mares usually gave birth in the middle of the night, and I'd been preparing myself for such an event, but it wasn't a hard and fast rule.

George nodded once and gave final instructions to Ken. Then he followed me back to the barn at a jogging pace. "You ready for this?" he asked as we entered the big doors and slowed to a walk.

I took a deep breath, and then nodded nervously. I'd never delivered a foal before. Hell, I'd never delivered anything before. I'd prepped everything as best I could. Merryweather was lying on a bed of clean, dry straw. Emergency materials were on hand nearby. But there wasn't much else I could do. The majority of foals were born naturally, without human intervention. All I was really supposed to do was stand back and watch.

"Okay, then, you look all set. Make yourself comfortable, because this could take a while. Here, take this." George handed me a walkie-talkie.

I took it and glanced over at him. "You're leaving?"

George gave me a lopsided grin. "Process will usually take care of itself. Don't worry. If you run into trouble, give me a call and I'll come right back here."

"But how will I know if there's trouble?"

"C'mon, we've drilled this: you already know. What should you see first?"

"The hooves," I answered smartly.

"Nose and head should be out..."

"Once the front legs are out to the knees."

'Don't let her strain more than..."

"Twenty minutes."

"See. You're golden." George gave me an encouraging smile and reached up to pat my shoulder before thinking better of it and pulling his hand back.

"Okay ... okay..." I took a deep breath, willing myself to remain calm.

"You got this Marie. So just sit back and watch a miracle happen."

And I did.

-------

I floated back to the staff cabins, my feet not even touching the ground with my passing. Surrounding me was light, dazzling to my eyes. The flora around me glowed with an inner luminance, a natural glow that pulsed with the energy of the universe. And everywhere warmth enveloped me with the rich abundance of LIFE.

Music descended from the heavens, an angel's aria of beauty that celebrated the purity of all living things. It had a rather nice rock beat to it, a steady guitar chord that emphasized each step I took that didn't quite touch the ground. Chimes sounded on the wind, single-note bells in high pitch that sang a melody so familiar and yet brand new. Words accompanied the chimes, invisible to my eye and yet so real I could taste them. And the words said: Life. Is. Beau. Ti. Ful.

I had witnessed a miracle. Life had appeared from nothingness, a void of absence suddenly filled by a wriggling, kicking being. A creature had come alive before my very eyes, so small and innocent and beautiful and delicate. One moment, she did not exist. The next moment, she did. Something special had been created. Her past did not exist. Her future was a blank slate. And then magically, as if she were incredibly eager for that future to begin, she stood up.

So this was an epiphany! It wasn't so simple as an "A-ha" moment. No light bulb went off. But I understood now. It wasn't a single realization, but more a clarity of thought that had now come to me. The reality around me had changed, and with it changed my comprehension of self. My universe had suddenly exploded outward, intimidating me with the sheer magnitude of my perception and the humbling knowledge of just how truly small I was within it. But rather than frighten me, this newfound knowledge inspired me. The grand cosmos was more than just me and my problems. The Circle of Life had more important things to deal with. And the evidence was right in front of me.

Everything had changed. Everything would be different. I could now finally see beyond the things that had trapped me for so long, the things that clouded my vision and my judgment. I was free. Free to do. Free to be. Free to become that which- "OWW!!!"

The light around me died, and my feet suddenly dropped to the floor. The real world seemed dark and cold after the heaven I'd just visited. And as pain exploded in my forehead, I clapped a hand over its epicenter, the pressure easing my ache.

"Oh, shit. Sorry, Marie!" Nick appeared on the other side of the door that had just slammed into my face, his eyes wide and his expression that of pure apology. He winced as he looked at me, and then turned to scan the porch. "I'll get your glasses."

Given that I could see just fine, it took me another moment to realize I wasn't currently wearing my glasses. "Oh. Right," I mumbled and spun in place, panic momentarily setting in that Nick would find them before me and discover that the clear lenses didn't magnify a thing.

But fortunately, my glasses were just behind me, and I quickly squatted to pick them up. I rubbed the lenses with my thumb to clear off some dirt and then hurriedly popped them back on, relieved that my cover had not yet been blown. Nick was profusely apologetic, but I tried to pass it off. I was more annoyed that my mental high was gone than actually injured, and I reassured him that I was tougher than I looked.

Like a gentleman, Nick then held the door open for me and gestured for me to go on my way. But two steps into the hall, I realized that meant that he'd be going off in his own direction, and I found that I didn't want that.

Something amazing had just happened to me, and I wanted to share it. And who better to share it with than Nick? He told me he'd wait for me, and I went inside to change. Spending a few hours with a newborn filly-foal had me pretty grimy. And even though I'd washed up as best I could, I desperately wanted to get into a fresh set of clothes.

I was still buzzing on the energy of the birth, and for some reason that energy made me want to look pretty. I hadn't brought a single tank top, not wanting my girls to be on display. I instead settled on a fresh white T-shirt, which seemed perfect for its purity, and a blue and white plaid button-down that I always liked as "country-cute". I wore jeans that actually seemed to fit me instead of being excessively baggy. And halfway into re-tying my hair, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and spontaneously decided to leave my hair down, tossing several long locks over to one side before posing and smiling for the mirror.

Thus satisfied with my appearance – not overly pretty but not so obviously ugly, either – I emerged from our cabin. I bounced off the porch as I joined Nick, and he commented about how happy I looked considering he'd just hit me in the forehead with a door.

I thought about the filly-foal and smiled. "I've had a good day."

"So tell me about it."

I nodded and then realized that while I definitely wanted to share, I didn't want to have this conversation in front of the whole camp. So I pulled Nick onto a trail heading away from the Main Lodge, remembering old nostalgic memories with fondness as we moved amongst the guest cabin areas. And I marveled at the magic this place always seemed to have for me each time that I returned.

Nick was less than enthused. Pampered city-boy was still a little too accustomed to his creature comforts, and I poked fun at him for it. "Oh, that's right. I'm talking to the guy who is only here by mandated court order."

"It's a nice place," Nick replied somewhat defensively. "Good weather. Fresh air. No butt-pirates hunting me in the showers."

My thoughts went back to delivering the foal and witnessing such a miracle, and I wished I could somehow make him understand. As I looked around, I saw the flora begin to fill once again with that inner luminance, the sky brightened, and birds began to sing. Gesturing out to it, my excitement crept into my voice. "There's so much LIFE. The trees, the birds. And hey, even a deer!"

Sure enough, a doe had crept around the corner of a cabin to our left, not fifteen feet away. I pointed animatedly before realizing I shouldn't frighten the creature away, but fortunately Nick had spotted it as well.

We both went quiet, neither of us making any sudden moves. It was all I could do to contain my enthusiasm, elation welling up inside me along with the belief that today I had been touched by nature: first with the foal, and now with this doe. It was as if the animal sensed my commune with these living things, and thus accepted me as an unthreatening part of its environment. And after another minute, it came three steps forward before stopping and looking back.

Oh. My. GAWD.

A fawn stepped through the bushes behind its mother. I gasped in astonishment and backed up, bumping into Nick behind me. He held my shoulder, steadying me, and I felt myself melting against his chest. My heart was racing, and I was sure I began to hear that angel's aria singing around me once again.

Life. Is. Beau. Ti. Ful.

The deer moved past us, walking slowly and without fear. I followed them with my eyes, and then actually followed them a few steps until they turned and went around another cabin, heading for the open woods. And once they were gone, I spun back to Nick with brand new excitement in my voice. "See?" I urged, willing him to understand. "LIFE."

Nick seemed bemused by the encounter, pleased if not overwhelmed like me. "That certainly was one of the coolest things I've ever seen," he agreed.

Inside, I was bursting at the seams. The energy of life was flowing through me, expanding as it coursed through my veins. I felt my skin begin to crackle with electricity, and my feet threatened to come off the ground. I was almost floating again, my whole body coming ALIVE.

And I was horny.

This wasn't lust. I didn't want to have sex for the mere sake of pleasure. But I was only too aware that I hadn't had sex in a very, very long time, and right now more than anything else in the world I wanted to CREATE. I wanted to MATE. And I wanted it RIGHT NOW.

I wanted to make a baby. I wanted to give birth and see the miracle of my own body. I wanted to hold her, nurture her, and finally see her stand up on her own two feet. I wanted to make LIFE.

And suddenly I was holding him. I didn't know how I'd gotten here, but here I was. Nick held me easily, his hands under my thighs while I wished they were under my ass. I couldn't help but continue giggling, only now realizing that I'd even started. I tightened my arms around his neck, keeping a firm grip and reassuring him that I was right where I wanted to be. He really was a handsome man, if you looked past the gut. He had a pleasant face, a strong jaw, and his muscle tone was improving dramatically. The "Fat Nick" moniker really didn't apply anymore, and as I felt his strength holding me, I realized it would be easy to see him as a worthy sexual partner, not to mention a strong and protective father.

What would it be like to kiss him? I'd honestly never thought of it before. Despite the long hours we'd spent together, much of it alone while we hiked off someplace to talk, I'd never before thought of him under any romantic terms. But now I considered it, and as I considered it, a decision began to form in my head. Perhaps this was the right time to find out what Nick really meant to me. Friend? Of course. Lover? Well ... perhaps. And as I pulled my gaze up from his lips, I took a deep breath and told him, "--"

"Wow! Never expected this. Especially from you, Marie."

Startled, Nick dropped me. Well, almost dropped me. He managed to catch me before I fell, and I quickly set my feet back down onto the ground. We both then turned to see Deedee standing on the trail, hands on her hips while she gave us an amused, 'I-know-what-you-were-doing' look.

What WAS I doing? How could I even THINK of doing something with Nick? Wasn't this whole sabbatical about Ben? Wasn't I saving myself for him? What the fuck was wrong with me? One newborn foal does not change my destiny. I'd gotten caught up in the moment and let my guard down for a split-second and nearly KISSED another man.

The fuck is WRONG with you, girl?

"What? No, no. That ... We're just ... We're just friends," I stammered. Nick agreed, and started saying something about the deer and getting excited. I interrupted his babbling to state emphatically, "There's nothing between us."

Deedee's smirk told me what she thought about that little denial. Suddenly, I wanted to be ANYWHERE but here. So making my excuses, I quickly ran away.

That was close.

-------

They're probably doing it right now.

Probably.

Think he's enjoying it?

He's a guy. And Deedee looks like Deedee. Of course he's enjoying it.

But it's just sex, right?

Right. You would have known if there were any real sparks between them.

Then why HIM?

Fuck if I know. She certainly didn't show any physical interest in him before.

Well there WAS that thing with the shower last week. Could Nick have been lying about what really happened between them?

Possibly. Given how honest he's been with you, I doubt he would lie maliciously; but I wouldn't put it past him to hide something out of embarrassment.

Wow. Just ... wow. Nick and Deedee having sex.

Yup. No doubt about it. It was written all over his face.

But they're not dating. Can't be dating. Otherwise he wouldn't have been trying so hard to not admit what's going on. She probably just wants a booty call.

Slut.

I wonder how many other guys she's done this with?

A bunch, probably. Tells 'em all to keep it a secret or she'll cut off access to her pussy. That's why she still has this pristine reputation.

Bitch. She doesn't deserve him.

Hey, Fat Nick is getting laid. More than you're doing for him.

What? We're friends. There's never been anything physical between us.

Says you. We've both known he'd have loved to get intimate with you for weeks.

He's a friend.

Uh-huh. Then why did he practically ask your PERMISSION twenty minutes ago?

He didn't ask my permission. He just ... he just ... uh...

He asked if you had romantic feelings for him.

I don't. I made my intentions clear from the beginning.

Intentions-shmintentions. Boy's been crushing on you since the first day you started being nice to him.

But I didn't mislead him. I've gone out of my way to make my stance on dating quite clear.

Except when you jumped into his arms and nearly kissed him this afternoon.

That was different! I let my guard down. It was a one-time mistake.

No matter. He's balls-deep in Miss Bigtits now.

Ugh, fucking slut.

What? Are you suddenly bothered by this?

What? No! Of course not!

Oooh. Quite insistent when you're talking to your own head. Methinks she doth protest too much.

Urgh. Get out of my head!

Not happening; I'm kinda here to stay. Meantime, you were saying it doesn't bother you that Nick's fucking the dumb blonde?

No, of course not. Nick's had a hard time here. He deserves some nice things to happen to him.

YOU coulda been giving him that nice thing all this time. Might have kept us more satisfied than Pocket Rocket's been doing so far.

NO! I'm staying loyal to Ben.

Fine, fine. I don't want to go down this road again.

Besides, it's just sex. It's not like he's starting a relationship with her or anything.

So it WOULD bother you if he did?

I didn't say that.

You don't have to. I'm you and I already know what's in your head because ... well ... I'm in your head. It WOULD bother you, and I know why. Now we just have to wait for YOU to figure out why.

It wouldn't bother me.

Keep telling yourself that, girlie.

We're friends, nothing more. He's not mine.

Isn't he? He's certainly been "yours" for the past six weeks. Your best friend. The one person in this whole place you talk to the most. The one you go for long walks with and spend "alone time" with.

Just TALKING. Nothing more.

Only because you won't let him.

He's never even made a pass at me.

Didn't he? Just tonight? He told you he has romantic feelings for you.

And I told him I don't return them.

You replied 'shit', to be precise.

There you have it. I don't WANT romantic complications with Nick. I'm preparing myself to return to Ben.

You didn't actually answer his question, though.

What?

You didn't answer. You didn't answer, because you know the real answer is 'yes'. You LIKE him. And if you'd answered his question honestly, you'd have to tell him that.

I do not.

Honey, there's no lying to your own conscience. Whether you intended to or not, you LIKE Nick. You've considered getting closer to him. And your considerations have been leading you toward an affirmative.

Doesn't matter. He's boinking Miss Bigtits.

Only because you turned him down. Don't be naïve. You saw it in his eyes. If you'd reciprocated his feelings, he wouldn't be with her right now. He'd be with YOU.

I don't want him with me. I'm waiting for Ben.

If you WANT Ben, then you should be in BERKELEY right now.

I can't. And you should know better. Aren't you supposed to be my guilty conscience as well?

Yeah, yeah. Fine, fine.

Nick and I are friends. Nick is single. And he's free to fuck whomever will let him fuck her. That's FINAL. Okay?

Sigh ... Fine.

Good.

But this doesn't change the fact that deep down, you actually like him.

Shut up.

Shutting up.

Sigh ... Maybe now was a good time to call Ben.

-------

-- OCTOBER 4 --

"Mmm-wah! Bye, babe." Deedee kissed Nick before hoisting her backpack over her shoulder as she descended the porch steps. I watched his eye-level drop ever so fractionally as he stared at her ass (and to be truthful, so did mine). And then he waved and called out "bye" to her in return.

And then silence. As Deedee passed beyond our sight down the trail, Nick HAD to be fully aware that a crowd had gathered behind him, and that NOBODY in that crowd was making a sound. I watched him gather himself, leaning with both forearms on the railing before him. And then pivoting around while trying to remain fully relaxed, he turned to face us and set both elbows back behind him on the railing while giving us all a shit-eating grin. "Something I can do to help you folks?" he asked nonchalantly.

The assembled ranch hands gawked at him and at each other. Everyone had of course noticed the moment Deedee sat down at our table. Conversation around the dining hall had been eerily quiet as people kept sneaking furtive glances in our direction. And when Nick had walked Deedee to the end of the porch and then rather proudly kissed her goodbye in full view of everyone, you could practically hear the wind sucked out of the room as everyone gasped.

Even Aaron and Zoey were as shocked as everyone else. Only I had known what to expect, though of course, I hadn't yet understood the WHY. Why him? Why on Earth would a girl that looks like her want a guy that looks like him?

YOU want him. And let's not pretend we don't know how you'd really look if you'd fix your makeup and wear less fugly clothes.

I told you to stay out of my head.

Good luck with that.

I sighed and shook my head. Nick was looking a little too smug at the moment, like a cocky guy who'd just gotten laid with the hottest girl in camp ... Needing to nip this in the bud, I took a step forward from the semi-circle that had formed around him, jerked my thumb back inside, and asked, "Hey. Coffee?"

Nick's reaction was instant. He pushed off the railing and immediately came to me. "Yeah, sounds great."

But as Nick approached, I felt the crush of everyone moving to follow us into the staff lounge. And as they did so, I turned back to him and grabbed his hand. "On second thought, let's just get out of here."

To his credit, Nick didn't hesitate for a second. I led him back out through the crowd that had formed between us and the porch exit, pulling him with me as we walked rather briskly down the steps and onto the trail. Thankfully, nobody followed us. And about ten minutes later we found ourselves at one of our usual hangout spots up in the hills with good privacy and a semi-decent view of the lake.

"Can I have my hand back now?" Nick asked once we stopped.

Belatedly, I realized that I was still holding his hand and dropped it like it was a hot coal. "Sorry," I apologized instinctively.

He shrugged and shook his head. "No need to apologize." Stepping back, he settled onto a bench roughly cut from half a tree trunk, scooting to the far edge so that he could lean against the trunk of a redwood still upright and growing high into the sky. "This is good. I really wanted to talk to you, and I'm glad we don't have to wait until this afternoon."

"YOU wanted to talk to me?"

He nodded. "About yesterday."

I raised my eyebrows. "Oh, Mister Hot-Shot banged the babe and now you're here to brag? Tell me, big guy, what positions did you guys do it in and how many times did you make her orgasm?"

Nick jerked his head back in surprise and raised his eyebrows. "You really want me to give you the blow-by-blow?"

"Interesting choice of words." I smirked. "So she fellated you twice?"

It took Nick a second to catch on, and then rolled he his eyes at my pun. "We hooked up. It was good. End of story. But that's not what I wanted to talk about."

I arched an eyebrow. "It's not?"

He shook his head. "I want to know what had you so excited yesterday before we got interrupted."

"Seriously? You just fucked the hottest girl in a several hundred mile radius, and you want to know about my day yesterday?"

He blinked twice and gave me a frank look, surprised I didn't understand. "Isn't that what we've done together every day since we got here?"

"Well ... I guess so. But, you're not going to tell me about how you and Deedee ended up sucking tongue on the porch after breakfast?"

"Of course I'll tell you, I'll tell you anything you want to know," he stated sincerely. "I don't want to hide a thing from you, and if for one second you're not comfortable with what's going on between me and Deedee then I can end it just like that."

I looked at him skeptically. "For real?"

He nodded. "For real. We're friends, Marie. And even though we're not romantic or anything like that, I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship. Yeah, it was really, REALLY nice to get laid. But if forced to choose between you and her, I choose you."

Now it was my turn to jerk my head back in surprise. It took me a second to find my voice, but after a deep breath I replied, "Nick, I never wanted to lead you on. We ARE friends, but nothing's ever going to happen between us."

"I know, I know. You're lesbian, and I'm cool with that. I just don't want you thinking that me hooking up with Deedee is going to take anything away from our friendship. You've been my one constant ever since I got here. You're the one person that's gotten me through this ranch hand program, and I don't want to lose you."

I blushed and smiled. That was really sweet. But not wanting to reveal my emotions, I just waved him off. "It's cool. Really, it is. There's nothing for me to be jealous over, and I'm happy for you that you're getting some. Although you're going to have to explain to me how this all happened. I like you Nick, and I do think you're worthy of a girlfriend. But you'll forgive me if I don't totally understand yet how you and Deedee ended up a public couple."

"Tell the truth, I'm not sure -I- understand it either," he replied with a grin. "But I'll try to explain as best I can. Really, I will. But first, I want to know what had you so excited yesterday. You never got the chance to tell me, and I'm truly sorry about that."

I shook my head, still a little in disbelief. "You really would give up boinking Deedee if I wasn't okay with it?"

He gave me an encouraging smile. "I'm delighted that she wants to use my body. Really, I am. But there's not much more to our relationship than that, and YOU are the one thing I don't want to go without."

"Even if that means giving up awesome sex with Miss Bigtits?"

He shrugged. "I've spent my whole life knowing how to use my right hand to get physical satisfaction. I'd rather not, but I can do it again if necessary."

I shook my head. "Just when I think I'm starting to understand you..."

-------

" ... I watched her struggle a bit. Have you ever seen Bambi?" I asked, my eyes wide with wonder.

"The Disney movie?" Nick shrugged. "Sorry, but the only Bambi I've ever seen was a dancer at this strip club called Bliss."

I actually snorted in surprise, covering my nose with my right hand and blushing. "Uh, yeah, the Disney one, not the stripper. Anyway, the point is that I watched this little creature, only minutes old, working her way onto her feet. She got her hind hooves planted in the straw, then stuck her butt up into the air, wobbling the whole time."

I was miming the whole thing while Nick watched me with bemusement. I was facing him with my butt wiggling out behind me, and from the look in his eye I gathered he wished I would turn around or something. That thought made my heart flutter just a bit, but I wasn't about to turn around and show him my ass, so with a smile I simply continued. "Then she got her forelegs down and pushed up off the ground, and voila ... Aurora stood up!"

"Aurora? That's her name?" Nick raised his eyebrows questioningly.

"Yeah ... I named her for the dawn..." My voice trailed off and I looked away for a moment. But after a deep breath, I turned back to him and explained, "Another Disney thing: Sleeping Beauty ... Merryweather ... Aurora..."

He shrugged. "I was more into Transformers when I was ten. Beast Wars! Rawr!"

I rolled my eyes, and Nick grinned. Continuing, I said, "Anyway, she didn't stand up for long, of course. A newborn foal isn't exactly used to supporting its own weight. But she'd stood up on her own. And even though I couldn't take an ounce of credit for her success, I couldn't imagine being more proud of her..."

My voice drifted off again, and I found myself staring out across the view.

Unexpectedly, I felt Nick's hand slide around my back before hooking around my side. But I didn't recoil. Instead, I found myself leaning into his embrace, scooting over until he was practically hugging me with his left arm. I lay my head down on his shoulder, feeling some of the same ... intimacy ... I'd felt for him yesterday afternoon when I'd jumped into his arms. It wasn't quite the same, and I had no real urge to kiss him. But for the moment I found myself basking in the afterglow of excitement over Aurora's birth once again, and it really just felt GOOD to share some of that energy with this simple human contact.

"You seem happy," he murmured quietly, leaning his cheek down to press against the top of my head. "Happier than I've seen you this whole camp."

"I am, I guess..."

"I think I know why."

"You do?" I lifted my head off his shoulder and looked up at him.

With a warm smile, he explained, "It's like when I started working on the cabin last week. You had a moment, a special moment when you saw your whole life changing in front of you."

I blinked twice and then looked down, thinking about that without replying. And then I raised my eyes back up and looked at him.

With a deep breath, Nick gathered himself. And then canting his head to the side, he stared deep into my eyes. "I don't pretend to know what you're running from. You haven't wanted to share that and I'm not going to press you to tell me. But you have often talked these last few weeks about making a fresh start. Well, your little filly-foal has a new beginning."

He took another breath, and then gave me an encouraging look. "Now, perhaps, so will you."



-------

Chapter 5: Conversations



-- NOVEMBER 6 --

"Balcony?" I suggested as Nick and I met up outside the staff cabin. "We'd better hurry, though. The sun is dropping fast." Indeed, Daylight Savings had ended on October 30, and the sun had been setting around 5pm ever since. We had just enough time to hike out there, enjoy the view, and then get back by 5:30pm chow time.

Nick checked his watch and nodded to me. He then stepped off the porch and took two steps before turning around and looking back for me. "You gonna be warm enough? It's getting colder and colder these days."

I hugged myself in my fleece sweater and nodded as I hopped down from the porch and stopped alongside him. "Thanks for your concern, but I'll be fine."

Together, we started down the trail. It wasn't very narrow – not while we were still within the camp boundaries – but I found myself walking rather close to him. Our fingers brushed by accident a couple of times, the first one causing Nick to blush and move aside. The second one really wasn't an accident, since I'd rather purposely closed the gap between us once more.

Exactly WHAT are you doing, young lady?

The truth was: I didn't know. I certainly had no romantic designs on Nick. Yeah, we were friends and I considered him my best friend at camp by now, even moreso than my own roommate. But our relationship was a platonic one, and besides, he was still porking Deedee several times a week.

Not that I minded ... well, not really. I liked seeing Nick happy, and since he was able to burn off his typically male hormones with someone else, he was able to be around me without any of that uncomfortable sexual tension that so often gets in the way of male-female friendships. Being someone else's booty call was GOOD for our relationship, and I desperately needed him more as a friend than as anything else.

But I'd be lying if said I wasn't curious.

Let's start with the obvious: Deedee was smokin' hot. I wouldn't put her in a category with Adrienne or DJ for pure fuckability, but she was still a curvaceous blonde bombshell with a very pretty face. Even I had to admit she was the most desirable female in camp...

Well, except for you, if you'd ever go back to being yourself.

Shut up, you.

Anyway, as I was saying, Deedee was hot. And Nick, as much as I liked him, was not in her league. He was in good enough shape now that nobody could call him "Fat Nick" anymore, and he was one of the strongest guys in camp for pure power. I certainly thought he was handsome, with a nice jaw line, good skin tone, and warm, considerate eyes that could look into the back of your soul and raise all sorts of butterflies that would flutter around your stomach and...

Anyway, as I was saying, Nick was a decent enough guy, but he wasn't in Deedee's league. He had been so cute and nervous when practically asking my permission to sleep with her. I remembered my initial analysis of the situation, figuring that the busty blonde just wanted to get laid and figured the most pathetic guy in camp would keep his mouth shut about it if he wanted seconds. At the time, I'd assumed she'd use him for a little while and then cast him aside when she got bored, like so many other beautiful women I'd known and seen over the years. Even when she showed up the next morning at our breakfast table, publicly announcing Nick as her "boyfriend", I was sure the whole arrangement wouldn't last.

And yet, a month later they were going on as strong as ever, stronger even.

It was a purely physical relationship, Nick assured me, and I believed him, because Nick never lied to me. They met, they screwed, they went their separate ways. Sure, there were some pleasantries bookending the fuck, but nothing serious. He certainly didn't confide in her, the way he did in me. At least, I didn't think so...

And yet, they were still going. And whenever I saw her, Deedee looked far from bored. If anything, she looked supremely satisfied.

Was he some super-being in bed? Unlikely. Surely there could only be one Ben in the world.

Was he perfectly adequate? Perhaps. A girl like Deedee certainly would have a little experience in such matters. And for her to be "supremely satisfied" for this long without moving on to the next guy? Well, Nick had to be at least perfectly adequate.

And I couldn't help but wonder how perfectly adequate he might be with me.

Those are your hormones talking. Listen to your conscience. You're here for a reason, and Nick is NOT IT.

I thought you were supposed to be tempting me to give IN to my urges.

That's your devil inside. She's on a coffee break. I'm your angel.

Oh, relax. I'm not going to DO anything about it.

Of course you're not. That would be betraying Ben.

{{Even though Ben isn't here, and is probably surrounded in bed by a dozen Tri-Delts, Kim Fukuzaki, and your sisters at this very moment.}}

Hey, what the-?

{{Coffee break over, bitch.}}

Shut up, both of you!

{{I'm just sayin': Nick is certainly doing a better job satisfying Deedee than Big Ben and Pocket Rocket have been doing for you.}}

Shut UP!

You're horny. We get it. But the real you is above these physical urges. Focus on the pure.

{{Purity was Perfect You's shtick. Been there. Failed that.}}

A single failure is no reason to go and throw away your entire future with your soulmate.

{{C'mon, can we just get LAID once while we're up here? I'm not talking long-term. I'm not even talking commitment. Just one, single, fucking GOOD orgasm, huh? When was the last time we had one of those?}}

Last night was perfectly good climax.

{{Last night it took Big Ben in the cunt, Pocket Rocket on the clit, AND a Nick-centered fantasy to get that climax.}}

OKAY ... We are stopping that train of thought right there!

"Hey, you alright?"

I blinked and looked up. Nick was about three steps in front of me on the trail, giving me an odd look. Only then did I realize that I had quite literally stopped in my tracks, and I blushed in momentary embarrassment.

"You looked pretty lost in thought there for a bit," he said with a smile. And shrugging, he reached a hand out to me.

Automatically, I walked forward, reached out, and took it. Feeling the firm warmth of his fingers as they entwined around mine, I looked into his warm, considerate eyes. Those butterflies I mentioned set to fluttering in my belly, and a smile spread across my lips.

"C'mon, we're almost there," he said.

I nodded and fell into step with him, feeling a bolt of energy shoot up my arm from the point at which our hands met. And together, we walked about a hundred yards until we turned the corner and came upon The Balcony.

"Beautiful," he murmured.

I turned to look at him and found his eyes on me.

Did he just call me beautiful?

But then his eyes went forward and he nodded toward the horizon, where the sky was awash in a brilliant tapestry of colors: golds and oranges and reds swirling across the landscape in a pattern that was even more breathtaking than usual. From the sun's low position, I figured we only had a few more minutes until sunset. And still with our hands together, we stood side-by-side in silence and watched nature's beauty entertain us.

"Hey! I KNEW I'd find you guys here."

Deedee's voice startled us, and our hands dropped as we turned to see Miss Bigtits skip up into the clearing. Her eyes went straight to Nick, and sliding both arms around his waist, she pressed her chest against his and looked up into his eyes. "Hey you, got time for a quickie?"

Nick's eyes popped as he glanced at me and then back at his 'girlfriend'. "What, now?"

She nodded. "Been such a busy day of work and I've got all this steam to blow off. I was thinking about your ... uh..." Her voice trailed off as she glanced back at me with a blush. And then she leaned in and whispered the rest to him, all of it inaudible except for the last exclaimed " ... all day!"

Still with her arms around him, Deedee glanced back at me. "You don't mind, do you? We'll meet up again for dinner."

"Uh, no. Sure. You two go right on ahead," my mouth answered while my brain railed inside my head, No! Bitch! Leave me my man and go fucking find your own!

"Great! See you later!" she said perkily and then literally dragged Nick away with her. He gave me a shrug and a wave, and then was gone, pulled off balance by his randy girlfriend.

Looking after them, I sighed. I didn't WANT to miss him, but I kinda did. I didn't want to LIKE him, but I kinda did. I didn't WANT to feel jealous of his time with her ... but I do.

Get your head straight, girlie. It's a GOOD thing that Deedee's around to distract him. You've been way too Nick-obsessed these last couple of weeks. It's not healthy. He's better off with someone else, or at least, YOU'RE better off if he's with someone else.

You're right. You're right. This is my chance to re-focus myself. This is my opportunity to make myself a better person, not to get infatuated with someone other than my soulmate. Nick is a temptation – sure, a temptation I wasn't expecting given his initial pathetic-ness – but a temptation all the same. And that Nick-centered fantasy I had last night with Big Ben and Pocket Rocket was a step in the WRONG direction.

This is your fresh start. Don't you ever forget that. Let them go. Let HIM go. Nick started off being a safe friend who wouldn't hit on you. He became a safe companion to give you unthreatening company so you wouldn't feel lonely. But he's becoming dangerously more than that, and you've got to nip this in the bud before it gets any worse.

This is my fresh start.

This is my fresh start.

This is my fresh start.

And it's high time I got real serious about it.

-------

-- NOVEMBER 7 --

NOW you've done it. Stupid, emotional, irrational woman. Why the hell did you go and pick a fight with him?

Because he's being a blockhead!

About what? Making the best of his situation?

For not taking this blank slate opportunity seriously!

C'mon, are you mad because NICK isn't taking it seriously, or because YOU aren't?

...

I'm waiting... 

And you're not going anywhere. You're inside my head.

True dat.

If you're saying I overreacted-

I am.

Sigh ... Fine. Whatever.

Sounds like your approach to 'finding yourself'.

And what's THAT supposed to mean?

I mean, exactly what have you been doing to better yourself, other than shutting everyone out and twiddling your thumbs while waiting for the Mystical Morris Camp to magically make everything better?

I'm not just twiddling my thumbs.

No, you're just pining over a soulmate you're not even entirely sure is your soulmate while pretending to not be attracted to a very nice guy who's banging the same kind of hot blonde you USED to be.

And your point is... ?

Take your own advice. Step back from the world and consider the person you've become. This is your opportunity to recognize, and to change yourself for the better.

That's what I've been DOING.

Stepping back from the world ... maybe. You've certainly walked away from modern life and shunned most human contact. But considering the person you've become? When was the last time you had an honest evaluation of what turned you into the so-called Fallen Angel?

I talked about all that, with Gwen and Robin on the road trip.

So ... several months ago ... and not once since you arrived here, that about cover it?.

Well ... I...

Recognize WHY you did what you did. Was it because you ENJOYED those things? Or was it because they were the OPPOSITE of the carefully constructed "Perfect You"?

I don't know.

Don't know? Or don't WANT to face those things again?

Why should I?

Wasn't that the whole point of coming here?

The point was to start fresh, blank slate.

'Blank slate' is a pipe dream. You are who you are now because of who you WERE before. Trying to be someone completely new out of the ether is impossible. You've first got to figure out who you WERE before you can figure out who you will BECOME.

When the fuck did you get so smart? Aren't you just ... well ... me?

I am. And I am proving my own point. If you were truly a blank slate, I wouldn't be here. But I am here, and I am the collective experience you have accumulated over your entire lifetime. I am the wisdom your parents – who love you dearly and miss you at this very moment – have instilled in you. I AM your past, and I'm honestly here to help. You just haven't wanted to listen to me.

Because the past is painful.

Of course it is, otherwise you'd still be in Berkeley with your sisters, and with him. So back to the why: Why did you do those things? Because you WANTED to be like that? Or because you were trying to destroy 'Perfect You'?

Well ... maybe both.

Now we're getting somewhere. But this is just scratching the surface. Do you really understand why you want to destroy 'Perfect You'? I mean really, apart from the cheating, what was so bad about being you? You were nice to people.

I kept my snarky comments to myself instead of blurting them out loud.

You were a motivated student.

To the point of valuing my perfect GPA over my relationship.

You always strove to do the right thing.

Until I couldn't handle it anymore and went out of my way to to do very WRONG things.

Well, there IS that ... So let's start there. We're going to have to look at every horrible thing you did to the people you truly cared about, and we're going to have to examine WHY you did them and figure out how you can make amends.

Greaaat.

And we can start with an easy one. You overreacted with Nick today. You need to apologize to him.

Nodding, I took a deep breath and sighed, saying aloud, "Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to enjoy the next couple of hours?"

Because it's real. And sometimes reality hurts.

-------

-- NOVEMBER 9 --

"So I was thinking," Nick began, which drew my attention away from the setting sun and over to him. "I was thinking about what you said the other day, about me seeing this as an opportunity to really think about what got me here in the first place, and to understand how to change myself for the better."

I nodded with interest. It was a topic I had spent much of the last two days on myself.

"But the truth is: I'm not really sure I see it that way."

I frowned. "You're not?" That didn't make sense. One of the things that had led me to spend more time with Nick at first was that I felt a sort of kinship with him. We'd both made mistakes in our past, and though our reasons for being here were rather different, we did both have the time to reflect and improve and the opportunity for a fresh start.

But Nick didn't seem to think so. He explained that he was fully aware of his initial unsuitability for being a ranch hand. But most of his problems were physical, and those had been more or less corrected through hard work and repeated exercise. Along the way, he had gained an appreciation for the simpler things in life, recognizing that he didn't really NEED the luxuries he'd depended upon before. But ultimately, he seemed to think he could just go back home and pick up where he left off as the person he used to be.

And maybe he could. In little more than two months, the program had seemingly done exactly what his parents had hoped for: It had toughened him up. It had built character. Nick wanted to make sure I didn't think he was an asshole anymore, and truly, he wasn't.

Nick was a good person. I knew that, felt it deep in my core. I made no claims to being an excellent judge of character or anything, but I thought I had a pretty good asshole-radar, born of years and years of fending off the unwanted advances of bad boys, pretty boys, and unrepentant jerks in general. Nick was no asshole. He had been a fish-out-of-water city-boy wearing too much cologne who didn't get enough regular exercise, but he'd cleaned up pretty well over these last several weeks. Not even scoring a hottie like Deedee for a girlfriend had turned him into strutting peacock.

So was that it? Did Morris Camp work its magic and turn Fat Nick into a genuinely nice guy?

Perhaps, but there was one unresolved blip on his resume: the car accident. Nothing in his personality would have told me he'd be capable of something like that. Nothing in all our friendship would make me believe he could ever come perilously close to killing a bunch of people.

Then again, I rather doubted that anything Nick knew about me would lead him to believe I could be a wanton slut who'd cheated on her boyfriend and gotten off on triple-penetrations.

But Nick had been an open book, the exact opposite of my invented personality and closed-off demeanor. I knew him. I KNEW him. So why didn't things add up?

"Why'd you do it?" I asked out of the blue, only now realizing that I'd zoned out for a bit in my contemplation.

Nick, ever patient, was right with me despite the interlude in our conversation. I watched him look inside himself, doing the math and realizing things didn't add up, searching for that mysterious variable that would balance the equation and explain the catastrophic lapse in judgment. But all he had was, "I don't know."

What was inside of me? How would I reconcile the differences between Perfect Me, Wallflower Marie, and Wanton Slut? What was the catalyst? What made me do what I'd done?

I didn't know, so all I could reply to him was, "Me, neither. And that's what we need to figure out."

-------

-- NOVEMBER 14 --

"Whew ... Is it hot in here, or just me?" Deedee sighed, wiping the sweat off her brow.

"It's hot," Melanie agreed from across the room.

"Hey, you think if we deliberately make them think we can't cook, they'll keep us off kitchen duty the rest of the year?" Sunny chirped from her station, where she was cutting up vegetables.

"No, you'll still be rotated to kitchen duty. Only they'll make you take out the trash and mop the floors," I commented dryly.

"Ugh," Sunny groaned and resumed dicing.

I smiled and focused on my pot. Part of the ranch hand program involved cross-training all the staff on pretty much EVERYTHING that needed to be done at Morris Camp, so that if any one person went down he or she could easily be replaced. So even though I would have been perfectly content to spend every single day at the stables with Cilantro, Aurora, and the others, I still had to spend time in the kitchen, in the cabins, and even the bathrooms.

The four of us were on kitchen duty for the week, which meant that we were making breakfast, lunch, and dinner for everyone. I rather enjoyed cooking, and thanked my mother once again for teaching me (almost) everything she knew. Having built on that knowledge with the cooking class I took in school, I was as comfortable here as I was anywhere else, and some of the other girls (well, Deedee and Sunny) were almost constantly looking to me for help.

Back in September, I would have been uncomfortable in such a situation, preferring to remain in the background. But by now, everyone knew me and everyone knew not to pry into my personal history. We all got along as acquaintances if not friends, and when it came to the kitchen, I didn't really mind being in a position to mentor the others. The others came, they asked their questions, and they liked me better for my answers even as they turned and left me alone. After a couple of months being on the outside and thought of as a little weird, it was rather nice to be liked.

Deedee, especially, was being nice to me. Well, she'd started being nice to me when she and Nick hooked up, but that only made sense. After all, making nice with the friends of your boyfriend is usually a requirement for the relationship to last, isn't it? But she had been extra nice for the past week or so. She'd gone out of her way to chat me up, to try and pull me out of my shell, and she did it with a friendly demeanor and subtle charm that had me spilling details before I realized I was spilling them.

Part of me didn't want to like her. After all, she was the girl fucking the guy I felt like I had some claim over. In the course of my introspection over the past week, I had come to terms with my attraction to Nick. In another world, in another life, I might have started a relationship with him. He was warm, honest, and very respectful of me. He had many qualities that I liked, and I thought he was physically appealing in his own way. That I couldn't actually have him was irrelevant; I couldn't control being attracted to him, only what actions I took because of it. So I accepted that I liked him, and I accepted that I would always be a little jealous over him, but I was determined not to let it interfere with my relationship with him OR with his girlfriend.

Instead, I focused on the qualities I DID like about Deedee. She WAS friendly, and funny, and enjoyable to be around. She kept up a lively conversation at the dinner table, bantering with Aaron and zinging Zoey right back at her. She was fully aware of her physical appeal and had a disarming way of mocking her own attractiveness without seeming smug. And she made Nick happy; that was important.

And if I really had to admit it to myself, I was sort of attracted to her as well.

In owning up to my past, I recognized that I had always been bisexual. From the first time I hit puberty, I had found myself attracted to both boys and girls. I appreciated the aesthetic physicality of a broad, manly chest as well as a nice, shapely bosom. And of course, there were my deeply satisfying sexual liaisons with my own sisters and other women around me.

I remembered being a teenager and feeling like that part of me wasn't "proper". "Good girls" were straight and narrow, and fucking other girls just shouldn't be a part of "Perfect Me". I never acted on any attractions to my friends, especially my best friend Tricia. Those unholy urges I buried below, acting them out only within the safety of my own home first with Dayna and then eventually DJ after Ben awoke the sexual creature inside me. There were a lot of sexual urges I didn't think were "proper", like the urges to seduce Tri-Delts, try butt-fucking and eventually triple-penetrations, and eventually to have sex one-on-one with someone who wasn't my boyfriend. "Good girls" didn't do those things, but then doing them with Ben didn't seem so wrong, and it was a slippery slope beyond that.

"Proper" didn't have a place with me anymore. "Perfect Me" no longer existed. But that didn't necessarily mean I WANTED to do drugs, have sex with random strangers, or pull trains in seedy back rooms. In fact, I was pretty sure I didn't want to do ANY of those things. And let's not even approach water sports.

But I AM bisexual, and that will always be a part of me. It could not be erased in some attempt to remake myself. Even if I swore off other girls, I knew my instincts would continue to lead me toward them. And so I couldn't help but notice that Deedee was a very sexually desirable woman, even to another girl.

She reminded me of Adrienne with her curves, self-confidence, and presence, and that reminder only fueled my arousal. If I fantasized about Nick from time to time while driving Big Ben up my pussy, well, I fantasized about Deedee a couple of times while rubbing myself as well. I noticed when her towel slipped in the bathroom, showing me a quick flash of her turgid nipple. I found myself glancing over when she bent at the waist to pick something up off the floor. And I could smell the scent of her perfume when she leaned into me to share some witty comment or when I helped show her the right angle for chopping onions this morning.

Her eyes kept watering from the onions, which dampened her mood. And she wasn't being very careful to hold the vegetables properly, which led to off-center and uneven strips. I told her to hold it straight, and when that didn't seem to work, I stood alongside her and cut up one myself just to show her.

But Deedee took things a step further. Placing a foot between mine, she moved herself between me and the table. Then taking hold of the knife, she placed my right hand on top of hers, and asked me in a small voice, "Show me again?"

I didn't think much of it, feeling more annoyed than awkward by this point. I mean really, how hard is it to cut an onion? So I just gripped her hand and lined her up, letting her do the actual cutting after I placed the knife each time. And I also reached around with my left hand to correct her hold on each onion.

It took me a minute to realize just how closely pressed we were in this position. I was maybe an inch taller than her, but the height difference wasn't enough to make our arm lengths match while I was standing behind her. My chest ended up firmly pushed up against her back, and my big boobs were getting in the way. And it didn't help when she seemingly backed her ass up against my crotch, leaned her head back, and ... sniffed ... at me.

My nose had suddenly been filled with the scent of something fruity ... peach? And when I looked down at her in confusion, our eyes met with a sizzle of electricity for just a moment.

Flustered, I immediately let go of both her hands and backed away. "Uh, yeah. I think you've got it," I stammered.

She sort of blushed demurely and coyly turned away, her face rotating toward the table but her eyes flashing back toward me. I simply turned around, forcing myself to concentrate on my own station while I took a deep, calming breath.

For the rest of the day, I noticed that Deedee kept finding little ways to show off her body and pose sexily just for me. She went out of her way to touch me, little pats here or a meeting of our hands there. I kept watching her, and realized she wasn't doing those things with Sunny or Melanie ... just me. She also kept glancing over to see if I was checking her out, which ... well ... I was. But then it was time to serve lunch, which we did, and Deedee went back to her normal self as we interacted with our friends and ate our meals.

During cleanup duty after lunch, I started watching her to see if she continued ... messing with me ... for lack of a better term. She'd been flaunting herself deliberately, and yet the moment the lunch bell sounded she had turned off like a switch had been thrown. And now as we went into kitchen clean-up, that switch didn't turn back on. Deedee remained friendly, but the ... flirting ... stopped.

We had a break for the afternoon, and went our separate ways. Nick was working and I decided to go for an introspective walk on my own. I thought about everything: myself, my past self, my feelings for Nick, and what the hell was going on with Deedee.

But then it was back to the kitchen to prepare dinner. And as the ovens fired up for baking, despite the cold temperatures outside it started to get very warm inside. Deedee made her comment about it getting hot. Melanie agreed with her. And Sunny began plotting how to get out of kitchen duty for the summer.

And then Deedee took her shirt off.

Seriously. One moment she was wiping her brow of sweat, the next minute she said "Fuck it" and whipped her shirt over her head.

HELLO! HOLY MAMMARIES AT TWO O'CLOCK!

I didn't actually know if Deedee was her real name or a nickname in reference to her tits. My eye calculated that those things really WERE Double-D cups, 36DD to be precise. Of course, it could be just a really good push-up bra, but I'd gotten enough glimpses of them in the showers to think they were all her. Today, Deedee had those big hooters AND a very nice bra, which led to massive amounts of cleavage put on full display.

Now some girls who like girls like a feminine body to be built for speed. They either like 'em butch, like a man, or just slender and fit. Tits were supposedly a male-lust thing, while we lesbian-inclined appreciated a firm tush and a well-groomed pussy.

Me? I liked 'em curvy. Chalk it up to my first Sapphic experiences being with Dayna. Or maybe I was just wired that way. It certainly meant I appreciated Ben's taste in women. For my entire life, I'd understood perfectly well the reasons why guys lusted after the big-titted hotties, and there was one staring me right in the face right now.

No, seriously. Deedee stood there with her hands on her hips, staring straight at me with a challenging expression as if to say, 'Yes, here they are. I DARE you not to ogle them.'

She didn't actually say that, but rather quipped, "Hey, we're all chicks here, right?"

"Hell yeah," Sunny agreed and ripped her own shirt off as well, using it to wipe the sweat off her own forehead. The hippie girl with long, straight, dark blonde hair only had a B-cup, and a small B at that. But she seemed perfectly comfortable in just her bra top and khaki pants, and she tossed an equally challenging look over to Melanie.

"Oh, all right." Poof, Melanie's shirt was off. She had a much fuller B. And I scolded myself for noticing. What was going on?

"Marie?" Melanie asked, perhaps feeling emboldened by the group solidarity.

"Yeah, right," Sunny commented dryly, a doubtful look on her face. I was infamous for my sense of modesty.

"Hey, don't be mean," Deedee said defensively, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at Sunny. "This isn't high school. It's not a peer pressure thing. I'm just hot and I feel comfortable with my shirt off. As long as no guys walk in here while we're baking, nobody will be the wiser."

"Right, right." Sunny sighed before looking back at me. "Seriously though, you'll feel much better."

"Cooler, perhaps," I replied in a measured tone. "I don't know about 'better'."

"Like you have anything to be ashamed about," Sunny quipped, cupping her own modest chest. "I would KILL to have a rack like yours."

As I blushed, Deedee again came to my defense. "Hey, can't you see she's not comfortable?" she said, physically interposing herself between me and Sunny.

"Sorry," the other girl sulked, sounding anything but apologetic. But she turned her back to us and returned to her vegetables.

Deedee then spun around to face me. God help me but my eyes did that yo-yo thing down to her freshly-presented tits once more. "We're all friends here, right?" she said with a broad smile.

I glanced around, seeing three very attractive young women wearing just their bras, and tamped down on the arousal bubbling up inside me. It really had been a LONG time since I'd cum from anyone but my toys or my right hand. Still, I managed a smile back. "Right."

-------

Meal duty didn't stop when dinner ended. We still had final cleanup duty, so while everyone else took the rest of the evening off, the four of us girls headed back into the kitchen. The oven had been off and the air had cooled, so nobody was inclined to remove their shirts again (damn). And all of us seemed eager to just get things over with as quickly as possible, so the casual conversation was at a minimum as well.

After we finished, Sunny and Melanie headed straight out the door and around the corner to the staff lounge, where most people congregated in the evenings. But I felt grimy and badly wanted to clean myself up, so I simply stepped off the porch and started for home.

"Hey, going back to the cabins?" Deedee called after me, drawing my attention. "I'll come with."

Walking in groups was only natural. Even though we didn't expect any trouble, it was still an unlit path through dark woods after sundown. So with a shrug, I waited for her to catch up to me, and once she did, I turned without a word and started the hike up the hill.

"Hey, thanks for all your help today," Deedee bubbled. "The kitchen is SO not my usual habitat, and I would have been lost without you."

"No problem," I mumbled.

She kept up the chatter for the rest of the trip, and I felt comfortable enough to hold up my end of the conversation, though I didn't take the lead. When we got to our cabin and turned for our bedrooms, she asked, "You taking a shower, too?"

I nodded.

"Okay, cool. See you in a minute." And then she disappeared into her room.

I went into mine and retrieved my shower caddy and a change of clothes. Going into the bathroom, I realized that I'd beaten her in, so I disrobed and turned on the water. When the temperature heated up, I stepped inside and closed the curtain.

I had just started to shampoo my hair when I heard the door open. There was a rustle of clothing outside, and just as I was finishing up, Deedee called out, "Hey, do you mind sharing? I've kinda got a hot date pretty soon."

Sharing? What?

Before I could reply, the curtain was suddenly pulled aside. My eyes popped WIDE open in shock, though my hands were still up in my shampooed hair. And on the other side of the curtain, spectacular in all her naked glory, was Deedee.

Boobs! Boobs! Boobs!

Wait, she's staring at MY boobs! My boobs! My boobs!

Shifting her weight to one hip, Deedee whistled appreciatively. "Damn girl. I knew you were hiding some good stuff but you are SMOKIN'."

Only then did I suddenly jerk my arms down around my body in a belated attempt to cover myself.

"Hey, hey, relax. It's just us girls in here," she soothed, stepping forward into the shower with me. She held a bottle of body wash in one hand and a smaller pack of shampoo and conditioner in the other. Stepping alongside me, she reached her hands past my shoulders to either side of my head, bringing her face within inches of mine as she bit her lip and concentrated on setting her cleaning supplies on the windowsill beside mine.

I think I just sort of squeaked, drawing her gaze down to my eyes. A silly smirk spread across her pretty features, and then adjusting her balance, she brought her naked tits up to gently brush against mine.

Deedee giggled, "This is fun." And then with her eyes blazing, she took a half-step forward to really squeeze her breasts against mine.

My mouth dry, I managed to croak, "Deedee ... What are you doing?"

"Tell me you don't like it," she replied.

"But why are you doing it?"

"Do you want me to stop?"

I gulped, and with thoughts of Ben in my head, took a deep breath and then nodded firmly, replying, "Yes."

That stopped her short. It was as if the thought had never occurred to her that I might reply in the affirmative, and a look of confusion spread across her face. But after a few blinks, she frowned and backed away. "I'm sorry."

I just sort of looked at her, now able to focus entirely on her face with the sensuality of the moment broken. Taking another deep breath, I gathered myself and then repeated my first question. "Uh ... What were you doing?"

"I thought you might like it."

"Why?"

"You're into girls, aren't you?" Suddenly she seemed a little nervous.

My head went straight back to Zoey's first offer to help me with Big Ben, back at the beginning of camp. I'd told my roommate that I didn't swing that way, and sticking to my story, I now replied to Deedee, "No. I'm not, actually."

There was a shakiness in my voice that belied my words, something that didn't escape Deedee's notice. Arching an eyebrow, she gave me a scrutinizing look and turned her head slightly. "You're not, huh?" she murmured skeptically as she backed away and folded her arms below her breasts, lifting them up into the shower spray and presenting them for my view.

God help me but my eyes did that yo-yo thing again.

"Thought so," she commented with a knowing smirk.

"Those things could attract their own satellites, let alone a pair of eyes," I groaned with some exasperation.

"You know, Marie, you're a whole bundle of contradictions. You SAY you aren't interested in Nick, but I see the look in your eyes whenever you two separate. You SAY you're not into girls, but then I can definitely feel it when your eyes rove all over my body, or even Sunny's and Melanie's this afternoon."

I blinked. "You saw that?"

"Why do you think I manipulated things so that they'd take their shirts off? Oh, don't worry, they don't suspect that you're butch. I just thought you'd enjoy the view."

I blushed, feeling the pink color my entire naked body. But then a thought suddenly occurred to me, and I planted my fists on my hips and stood up straighter. "Waitaminute, you're into girls, too!"

Deedee didn't blush. Instead, she posed prettily and then took a long, lingering look up and down my body. "Guilty as charged."

"So ... What was this all about? Seducing me in the shower? Didn't you just say you had a hot date pretty soon?"

"Sure. But to tell you the truth, I really don't think Nick would mind if I brought you along."

Now my blush wasn't pink, it was bright red. The thought HAD occurred to me, usually while masturbating in my bed. But I quickly banished those fantasies and shook my head. "Never gonna happen."

"Why not? You clearly like him."

"As a friend."

"Heard that before."

"Really, we're just friends."

"Only because you won't let it go further than that. I've seen the way HE looks at YOU, and if it came down to a choice between me and you, he'd pick you in a heartbeat. Tell me you haven't noticed."

I couldn't. We both knew it was true. But with a sigh, I said, "Well if it's competition you're worried about, don't. I have no interest in stealing him from you."

"Of course not."

I picked my head up again. "Wait, is that why you haven't gotten closer to him? Because you think he's hung up on me?"

"I don't think he's hung up on you, I KNOW he is. But no, that's not the reason. I like Nick well enough: he's nice, he's undemanding, and he's got really big ... feet." She giggled. "But I've been completely honest with him about not wanting a relationship. I really just want to have some fun with no strings attached."

Deedee then stepped forward, bringing our wet tits into contact once again. And with her deep blue eyes sizzling, she added, "And if you're interested, WE could have some fun ... No strings attached."

I gulped. I was tempted. Sorely, sorely tempted. I must have leaned forward a bit, because Deedee was then leaning to meet me and puckering her lips. But I caught myself and held back. "I'm sorry," I began quietly. "I can't do that."

"C'mon. I know you're holding yourself back, for reasons I don't know and you don't want to tell me. I don't want to tie you down or start a relationship or do anything to make you uncomfortable. But I sense that you've got some pent-up arousal and nobody to help you take care of it. I could do that for you." She took a deep breath, and then brought her lips even closer to mine. And looking straight into my eyes from only inches away, she added, "And besides, now that I've seen you without the glasses or the baggy clothes – or ANY clothes for that matter – I KNOW you're the hottest chick around for a hundred miles, and the mere sight of you makes my pussy sopping wet."

For a moment, I nodded. Deedee took that as my agreement, and she closed the gap. But just before our lips met, my fingers stopped her. With my palm holding her mouth at bay, I took a step back, bumping into the wall behind me – this shower stall was only so big after all. And shaking my head, I said, "I'm sorry. I'm flattered, really. And there's a big part of me that just wants to give in and let go. But I can't. Not for you. Not for Nick."

I had been standing with the back of my head in the water, and by now, the shower spray had pretty much rinsed all the shampoo out of my hair. Ducking my head back in just to make sure it was all gone, I decided that I'd had shower enough, and grabbed my toiletries off the windowsill.

With one final, "I'm sorry," I gave Deedee an apologetic glance. And then I grabbed my towel and made my escape.

The hallway was clear, so I chanced it and rushed back to my room. Once inside, I dried off and began to put my clothes back on. But when I snaked my panties up my hips, I realized that my crotch was still quite damp, and it wasn't from shower water.

Dammit, I'm still horny.

-------

-- NOVEMBER 15 --

"You've been awful quiet this morning."

There had been a stray twig on top of the bench, and I'd picked it up before sitting down. Only now, as Nick's voice jolted me back to reality, did I realize I'd been fidgeting with it ever since. "I ... uh..." I muttered while picking my head up and squinting at the ray of sunlight that just happened to pierce through the trees and catch me right in the eyes. Turning away from the beam, I sighed and said, "I've got a lot on my mind."

"That's 'Marie everyday', but today you seem even more distracted than usual. We've only got about a half-hour until you've got to get back to the kitchen, and I guess I'm just trying to figure out whether we're going to spend all that time in silence. I'm here if you want to talk. But if you'd rather be alone, I can quite literally take a hike."

I sighed and thought about the kitchen. Prepping for breakfast with Deedee, Sunny, and Melanie had felt awkward enough. Seemingly every time I looked over at Deedee, she was looking over at me. Her smile was friendly and she kept making overtures at peace, even pulling me aside at one point and apologizing point blank for making me feel uncomfortable the night before. The problem was that her apology made me feel uncomfortable, and every time I looked at her I was suddenly reminded of seeing all three girls in just their bras, which made me even MORE uncomfortable to be around them.

Shaking my head, I offered, "Trade you: You make lunch and I'll work the table saw this afternoon."

"No deal," Nick replied with a grin. He was loving his new assignment and I knew it.

But despite the humor in our little exchange, I felt anything but light-hearted. The absolute LAST thing I needed now was awkwardness not only with the guys who might potentially hit on me, but also now the girls. And the sense of isolation closed in around me, making my heart beat faster and my blood pressure increase until I started breathing hard and fully began to worry I was about to have a panic attack.

"Hey ... hey ... Breathe, Marie. Breathe..." Nick was suddenly in front of me, kneeling in the dirt and looking right into my eyes. But he kept his hands to himself. He braced his arms on the bench to either side of me, leaning in with the urge to hold me or stroke my arms or do SOMETHING to actively soothe whatever was happening to me, but he resisted, knowing that such a physical touch wasn't what "Marie" would want.

But I wanted it right now. I felt so alone, felt like there was nobody in the world I could trust. My roommate spent every waking moment with her boyfriend, Aaron. I hadn't made any other close friends in this camp. The absolute ONLY person I could trust was ... Nick. And I wanted him to hold me.

I couldn't find the words, so I just reached down and grabbed his forearms, pulling them around my body. I had started shivering by now, and Nick hesitated at first, not realizing what I really wanted. But then I insistently wrapped his arms around my back, and he quickly gave in, wrapping me up in a fierce hug and then springing up off the dirt, pulling me up and then dropping himself down onto the bench so that I was sitting sideways in his lap with my face buried against his shoulder while he quite literally bear-hugged me.

"It's okay ... It's okay..." he soothed, whispering into my ear. He freed his left arm enough to stroke my back, and he continued telling me everything would be okay while maintaining an almost metronomic movement up and down my spine. And as I lost myself to the rhythm of his strokes, I felt my panic begin to ease and my heart rate slow down.

I think we must have stayed like that for about fifteen minutes. When I stopped shivering, he stopped rubbing my back. But we otherwise remained in that position, my forehead against his shoulder and his arms wrapped around me while being careful not to brush against anything he shouldn't. And as I felt the warmth of his hug and the strength in his arms, I began to find some peace.

Gawd this feels good. When was the last time someone gave me a hug?

Eventually, I picked my head up. I felt moisture in my eyes, but no actual tears. Nick stared at me with an expression of worry mixed with support. And I actually smiled to feel that my trust in him had been validated. He really was a true friend, the best kind of friend I could have.

"Thank you," I said at last. "I don't know what came over me."

He sighed, a mournful exhalation as sadness came into his gaze. "Neither do I."

My eyebrows furrowed as I didn't understand his comment right away.

Nick took a deep breath, and then cocked his head. "Marie, I swore to myself I would never pressure you to tell me anything more than you felt comfortable. But I AM here if you want to share what's going on inside that pretty little head. I'm glad you felt safe enough with me for ... well ... this." He squeezed me with his arms, still wrapped around me. "But I can't help you if you won't let me in."

I blinked twice, wondering what I should tell him. But what could I tell him? That I'd lied about who I really was? That I'd even lied about my real name? That the person he had come to believe was his best friend in this camp – such an alien place to him – wasn't real?

I couldn't do that.

Why not?

Oh, you again.

I'm serious, why NOT tell him?

It would kill him.

No it wouldn't. In fact, it would probably explain a lot for him.

He would feel betrayed, feel that the person he knew and liked had been lying to him all this time.

Person that he knew? Nick knows zilch about you, because you won't tell him. All he knows is the person you've been since he's gotten here, and that won't ever change. He's seen a scared, shy girl shut herself off from the world and only open herself up to the baby horses she's taking care of. He knows you're smart, and gorgeous, and badly, badly scarred from ... something. All he's missing is the beginning, the source for all your pain. And telling him would FINALLY help him understand where you're coming from.

I can't do that.

Again, why NOT? Look at him. Puppy dog ... Helplessly in love with you. Compassionate ... wanting nothing more than to make you happy. He wants to KNOW. He NEEDS the ability to do SOMETHING to help you. But you keep him at arm's length, and he's so terrified of losing your friendship that he sits on his hands (literally) and plays by your rules of contact.

He's not 'in love' with me.

Uh, who are you trying to lie to now, girlie?

Deedee is his ... Ah, fuck it. Fine, he's in love with me.

Okay, progress. Frumpy clothes or not, babe, you're a magnet.

But I can't tell him.

Broken record time? Okay, one more: WHY NOT?

I've spent so much time being 'Marie' that I can't let this secret out now.

Sunken costs. That's the past now. You decide what you do from here into the future.

The whole camp will think I'm weird.

The whole camp ALREADY thinks you're weird. And that's beside the point. Ask Nick to keep it your secret, and he will. You know it.

Maybe...

Think about it. You'd LOVE to have someone to share this hidden identity with. Or better yet, go ahead and tell the whole camp.

WHAT?

Exactly what is this 'Marie' identity doing for you anyway? If you'll recall, I thought you were out of your mind when you decided to do it.

I was not.

Uh, I AM your mind. And if I was disagreeing and you did it anyway, then CLEARLY you were out of your mind.

You KNOW why I did it. Look at Deedee. Look at all the attention she got being the hot blonde with big boobs.

Look at her now. Quite happy with her booty calls with Nick, easily able to fend off unwanted attention since she's used to it. And since there are only seven other guys in the camp now, it's really not a bother. She's comfortable in her own skin. You could have been too.

{{And YOU could have been getting that regular dosage of Nick-dick.}}

Hey, you! Not now! Get gone!

{{Fiiine.}}

Okay, just us again.

I'm crazy. I'm certifiably crazy. I'm not only talking to myself, but I'm talking to TWO of myselves.

Well, you might be right on that point. But consider it just a further side effect of splitting your sense of self. This is YOUR identity crisis.

I'm fine the way I am.

The hell you are. You're wearing glasses with lenses that don't magnify a thing. You're wearing clothes that don't fit you to avoid unwanted attention from people who already know better than to hit on you. And you're spending so much effort trying to either lie or mask your past that you can't even keep your own lies straight. Don't you get it? Even in your atonement you're still trying to do everything perfectly! Why don't you just give it up and go back to being YOU?

Because I can't!

Can't? Or won't?

I can't. Not back to her.

Why not? What was wrong with being her?

What was wrong? WHAT WAS WRONG? SHE WAS A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE PERSON! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!

She wasn't "horrible".

She blackmailed a professor into giving her a better grade.

He's likely a pervert and a predator, and you just got lucky. Guy doesn't cave that quickly unless he's got some skeletons in his closet.

She cheated on her soulmate. And even before that, she manipulated his sense of fairness into feeding her own depraved sexual curiosities.

Everyone gets curious at some point; it's a part of growing up.

It wasn't just curiosity. She didn't just want to "try things once". She actually ENJOYED getting made airtight by three different cocks and ENJOYED screwing around with Dayna's and Brandi's friends and ENJOYED joining in at the Tri-Delt blowjob party. She got off on the power trips of dominating Viktoriya and Kim.

And didn't Ben? Just because you enjoy wild and crazy sex doesn't make you a "horrible" person.

Those things aren't normal.

Who defines what's "normal"?

Marie doesn't crave those things.

Sure she does. Marie is still you. Marie also wants to fuck Nick's brains out. Marie wants to shove her entire fist up Deedee's cunt. Marie fantasizes about those things while masturbating in bed every night when Zoey goes out to sleep with Aaron. Marie's just been repressing those urges more than SHE did, and repression doesn't end well.

Marie is handling things better than SHE did.

Can't even say her name, can you? She's YOU. The Real You. Wasn't your whole point of coming here coming to find YOU?

I wish SHE were dead. She screwed up. She fucked up my life. Marie is better.

Ben doesn't want Marie. He wants HER.

Because our parents told him to.

Bullshit. He still loves HER for HER. And he's still waiting right now.

No, by now he will have moved on and-

He's waiting for YOU. Don't you want him back?

Of course I do.

I blinked and suddenly there was a person holding me. I was in a clearing, the morning light all around me. I was in Morris Camp, OUR Morris Camp. And the person in front of me wasn't HIM.

Nick was nice enough. I liked him well enough. And in another life ... perhaps ... perhaps something. But he wasn't HIM.

Nick sat on the bench. He held me in his arms. And with a look of infinite pain and concern, he hugged me tighter once he realized I had returned to reality. "Marie ... please..." he whispered in my ear. "Won't you let me help you?"

He's not HIM.

I took a deep breath, and then gingerly extracted myself from his grasp, getting a foot down on the ground and then stepping away. Looking down at my feet, I searched for the words before settling on, "Thank you. Thank you for ... for being my friend. It means a lot to me." And then without another word, I turned and left.

-------

-- NOVEMBER 24 --

"Hey ... HEY!"

Nick's hand grabbed my shoulder just in time, because without it I'm not sure I wouldn't have fallen over.

"Are you alright? What's wrong?" he asked worriedly.

I felt a great disturbance in the Force.

I shook my head, clearing out Alec Guinness' ominous English tones from my head. What the hell? The sense of vertigo remained, and the room spun around in circles for a few more seconds before re-balancing. And only then was I able to pick my head up and stand straight.

"What happened? Too much wine?" Nick asked, his hand still on my shoulder.

I reached up and patted it, giving him a reassuring smile. "I'm alright. And it can't be, I've only had the one glass."

He scrutinized me for a moment, but I now felt completely normal and I'm sure he could see that. "Weird."

I shrugged and looked at my glass, which was now empty. "Speaking of which, I need a refill. More apple juice for you?"

"It's not apple juice," Nick retorted with an eye roll. It was Thanksgiving dinner, and for the first time in the program we had been provided with real alcohol. Nick and I both knew perfectly well why he was refraining from the wine and beer, and he knew I wasn't seriously giving him a hard time about it. He led the way back to the drinks table and poured me a fresh glass of wine before topping off his sparkling cider.

"Hey boyfriend, me too?" Deedee requested with an upraised empty glass. She'd gone to the restroom for a moment, but now returned ready to continue the party.

"Sure thing, sugar," Nick replied with a grin, blushing as Deedee leaned in and pecked his cheek.

While he poured, the blonde turned to me. "I miss anything exciting?"

"Only if by 'exciting' you mean Norma rambling on and on during her speech about teamwork and congratulating each other as spiritual brothers and sisters, ' I replied dryly.

She made a face and shook her head. "Not exactly. Ooh, dancing!" Suddenly, Deedee stood up straight and stared excitedly past my right ear. I turned to see that indeed, Sunny was plugging her iPod into the speaker system while a few others were moving tables out of the way to clear a dance space. There wasn't a formal dance area, but I knew the dining room's parquet flooring had been used for such an occasion more than a few times.

"C'mon, babe. Let's get jiggy." Grabbing Nick's arm, Deedee tugged him in the direction of the dance area. Resisting her pull, he barely had enough time to set down her now-full glass and the wine bottle on the table without spilling either. And then shooting me a bemused smile, he allowed his girlfriend to pull him away.

I simply smirked and leaned back against the table, taking a sip of my drink.

Hmm. That nagging feeling in the back of my head hasn't gone away. Something's ... off... 

I glanced around the room, unable to discern anything out of the ordinary. I ran a mental checklist of anything I might have forgotten before coming here tonight, such as closing my bedroom door or leaving my toiletries in the bathroom. I then looked down at my own appearance, making sure I hadn't worn mismatched socks or put my long skirt on backwards. And finally, I touched the bridge of my nose to make sure that I indeed was wearing my fake glasses. I'd caught myself walking outside without them a time or two in the last few weeks.

Still ruminating on what might be causing my odd feeling, I kept sipping at my wine. And I was still lost in thought when I tilted my glass back and discovered that there were only a few drops left, not enough to slide out from the rounded cup.

Huh, that's weird.

Fortunately, I was still leaning against the drink table, so it was an easy matter to get a re-fill.

And then I got another.

And another.

I didn't have any particular desire to get drunk. But Nick was off dancing with Deedee, and Zoey and Aaron were as oblivious to anyone but themselves as ever. I didn't really feel like socializing, so standing back and sipping my wine seemed as good a plan as any. It's not like I was chugging it or anything, but I began to notice that the odd feeling in the back of my head was going away the more I kept drinking, replaced by a ... floaty ... sense welling up from deep inside me, as if my brain were being wrapped in a cocoon of fuzzy warmth that kept the dark thoughts at bay.

And yet I couldn't completely shake the feeling that something was still ... off. So, what the hell? My glass was empty, and I was conveniently still standing here.

Deedee was now gesturing to me from across the room, tapping Nick's chest and miming a boogie by shaking her own ass from side-to-side. Edwin was fully-plastered by now, and I saw his jaw drop to the floor as he gawked at Deedee's backside. Edwin's girl Tamara noticed and smacked him in the arm.

For about two seconds, I considered Deedee's suggestion. I hadn't been dancing since ... since ... Well if I couldn't remember, it had been FAR too long; and it wasn't like doing so would mean anything. Everyone already knew Nick and I were friends, and his own girlfriend was making the suggestion. If not him, who ELSE would I dance with in this place, really? My only other option was to not dance at all, which ... well, that was my standard operating procedure every other day of the week, but perhaps not today. This was a party, wasn't it?

But before I could step forward, nature called. Waving Deedee off, I turned away and headed for the restroom, that "floaty" feeling buoying me as I rather sashayed down the hall in time with the disco strains of Madonna's "Hung Up" playing behind me.

Hey, third option: dancing by myself!

My floaty feeling intensified after I did my thing and returned, and I now consciously realized that I was buzzing. Four glasses of wine (or was it five?) was a lot to take in after having gone without alcohol for more than three months. My feet barely touched the ground as I walked back into the dining hall, which made it difficult to dance. But I found my anchor the moment I cut in on Nick and Deedee, grabbing onto my man's hands and allowing him to pull me around the floor in a series of quarter turns to my right as we spun around the room to Carrie Underwood's "Inside Your Heaven".

Nick had the widest grin on his face as we moved together. I think he was surprised that I had actually come to dance with him, especially since he may have thought I was bolting the party when Deedee first gestured for me to come join. For my part, I was simply enjoying the alcohol buzz and the feel of a strong man's hands holding me as we swayed and turned with the music. I felt completely safe in his arms, a feeling that was a pretty rare and special thing as I thought about it.

In my present world of uncertainty, Nick was the one thing I could count on. Oh, I wasn't dependent on him or anything, and he was far from a slave at my beck and call. But whenever I was with him, I knew exactly what I was getting. He never failed to give me his full and undivided attention. And despite all the mysteries surrounding my mood swings and closed-off past, I always knew he would never pressure me into doing or saying more than I could give him.

On the other hand, as the song progressed I began to feel ... something ... pushing against my belly. My eyebrows went up as I realized he was getting an erection, and I giggled before glancing down at it and then back up into Nick's eyes.

Right then, Carrie Underwood crooned "I ... wanna be inside your heaven!" And with all the sexual undertones of that phrase, Nick turned positively pink. But I merely giggled and then went ahead and pressed my belly against his pelvis, letting him know that I was aware of his situation and was comfortable with it, hiding it even from outside view.

With my encouraging smile, Nick relaxed. He didn't take it as an invitation to push any further or slide a hand down to my ass or anything. He seemed to simply accept his boner as an involuntary reaction to a pretty girl, and let it go at that.

But for once, Nick's "hands-off" approach bothered me a little. If he was aroused enough by dancing with me to get a stiffy, shouldn't he want more? Wasn't I still a sexy young woman? I mean, sure, I dressed in baggy clothes, wore the glasses, and deliberately kept my hair unstyled to specifically AVOID unwanted male attention. But what about WANTED male attention? Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but right now as I danced with a handsome man, was it really so wrong for a girl to want to feel desirable?

The song ended, and Nick and I split up. A fast song started, and Deedee joined us along with several others in a big circle to get grooving to Rihanna's "Pon De Replay". And I found myself starting to really have fun.

Sunny started talking to me, and I found myself talking back.

Ashley made a funny comment about something, and I made a dry crack about it too.

Edwin dropped a sly innuendo about finally seeing the real Marie underneath the baggy clothes, and I actually winked at him and replied, "In your dreams".

I fast-danced. I slow-danced. I had a few more glasses of wine. And I giggled with the other girls. I actually hugged a few people. And at some point, I took off my sweater and found that my blouse fit my slender body rather well while emphasizing just how awesome a rack I really did have beneath my baggy clothing. In fact, I think Todd made an excuse to hug me just so he could go back and tell the guys how much boobage he felt pressing against his chest.

I had a great time, and I started to think I should get drunk more often. But despite several requests, the one thing I drew the line at was slow-dancing with any guy but Nick. Deedee got half of his slow-dances, and I got the other half. I simply wouldn't have felt comfortable ... or safe ... in anyone's arms but his. And to be honest, I was rather jealous of Deedee's half.

Later, toward the end of the night, I found myself in Nick's arms one last time. Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" started up, and as I felt him cinching me into his embrace, I discovered that I was mumbling the words right along with Kelly.

// I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky

// And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway... 

// Out of the darkness and into the sun, but I won't forget all the ones that I love

// I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway... 

My sabbatical was far from over. It was still November, and there were nine months left before I would return to Berkeley. That was a LONG time I still had available to truly find myself, and I promised that I would NOT forget the people that I truly cared about back home.

But maybe it WAS time I took a risk. Maybe it WAS time I took a chance. I felt SAFE with Nick. I felt that I could trust him. No, I KNEW it. Deep down, deep in my core, I knew he would understand.

So far, he had only known "Marie". Perhaps now it was finally time for him to understand who I used to be. I could make that change. I could break away.

For this entire time, I had held him at arm's length. He was attracted to me – he knew it and I knew it. But I was also attracted to him; he didn't know that. I'd even gone out of my way to lie to him that I was a lesbian – well, half-lied at least. That didn't necessarily mean I would sleep with him. I still belonged to Ben, and I would NOT forget the ones that I'd loved. Abstinence was part of my penance, but ... perhaps I could open myself up just a little to that world.

I'd been so horny. Very horny. Actually, I'd been horny ever since I got here. I hadn't gotten laid in what now ... six months? Except for DC guy and that was so pathetic as to not count. I was a sexual creature, and Ben had ruined me. He'd been too good. He'd gotten me so used to such wonderful orgasms that I was now an addict going through major withdrawal without him. But that was the promise I'd made to myself. Being unfaithful had ruined our relationship, so being faithful now was necessary to regain it. Abstinence was a punishment that fit my crime.

But what if I didn't have sex? What if I just ... watched? My fantasies were only so good. Big Ben and Pocket Rocket just weren't cutting it anymore. Deedee had already offered one time for me to join the two of them. If she was comfortable enough with me joining in, then surely she could handle it if I just wanted to watch. It was the best of both worlds, the compromise that satisfied both of my goals. It would be sooo much better for me than a fantasy, and yet I wouldn't actually be touching anyone, right?

That would be okay, right?

Gotta do it now. Gotta ask her now, before you lose your nerve. Hey, maybe another glass of wine would help?

The second the song ended, I made a beeline for the drinks table. I absolutely CHUGGED an entire glass. I then made a beeline for Deedee.

And I asked her if I could watch.

-------

Okay, this wasn't part of the deal. But ohhhhh does it feel nice... 

Lightning bolts shot off in my brain as Deedee's lips found mine. I gasped in surprise and then moaned in rapturous pleasure as her tongue snaked out to spar with mine, and I flowed into her lip lock giving just as good as I got. It was wrong. It was so, so wrong. Kissing another person, ANY other person, was a betrayal of my celibacy for Ben. But it was too late. SHE'D kissed ME. And once she started, I simply couldn't help myself.

Thankfully, she let go of me soon after. I watched Deedee tackle Nick onto the bed, leaving me alone on the armchair to catch my breath and calm my racing heart. Okay, maybe that wasn't SO bad. After all, Deedee was explicitly informing Nick that he wasn't getting a threesome or anything, so I wouldn't have to worry about any further breaking of my vow. And it wasn't MY fault I'd gotten kissed; Deedee had done that before I could stop her.

Do you think maybe she'll do it again?

Shut up.

Oh, shit. She just deep-throated his cock.

For the next several minutes, my eyes were glued to the sex act before me. Deedee was putting on a show, being loud, messy and slobbering all over Nick's dick.

"Nick's Dick". Ha. I like that.

Gawd I'm drunk.

And I was also getting hot. The air was still cool; the cabin's heater hadn't yet fully kicked in. First, I unzipped my sweater, trying to let my skin breathe. Then, I realized I was hot, and not in a sense of temperature. And before I knew it, my hand had found its way into my panties, and I finally stopped staring at Nick's Dick as I closed my eyes and groaned at my self-inflicted pleasure.

Isn't this so much better than imagining it in your bunk and rubbing off while hoping Zoey won't notice?

Shut up.

Nick stopped groaning for a moment, and the room went silent save for heaving breaths. Opening my eyes, I saw that Deedee had stood up and was pulling her clothes off. I'd seen her completely nude that one time in the shower, but that didn't mean I was any less excited to see such a beautiful specimen of woman getting naked right before my eyes. She twisted and shook her booty to some rhythm that was only in her head, letting both Nick and me ogle every bit of her flesh that we could. She then turned and mashed Nick's face into her cleavage while I heard him motorboating her melons, and I couldn't help but drive my fingers deeper into my slit while wishing his face was in my bosom instead.

After that, Deedee pushed Nick onto his back and then sat on his face. With the armchair positioned to the side of the bed, I had a perfect profile-view of her as she humped up and down on his tongue, grinding her crotch against his chin while squeezing her tits and tossing her hair. I timed my own finger movements to match hers, fantasizing that it was me on top of Nick's tongue instead of her. And as I watched Deedee climb the peak and then fall over the cliff into orgasm, I strummed my clit and found myself moaning my climax as well.

Gawd damn that was good.

{{Fuck yeah. I agree!}}

Me, too. Three votes yes, this was a good idea.

It was my idea.

{{No, mine!}}

"Ohhhunghh!"

I was pulled from my momentary argument with myself(selves) and looked at the bed again. Nick had grabbed onto Deedee's thighs and raised his head, eating her out with a fury, intent on driving his girlfriend to a second climax.

Shit, THAT would be better.

{{Damn fucking straight. Tongue on the clit beats fingers in the cunt any day.}}

'Fuck, yeah, ' I agreed. Getting an orgasm while watching Deedee get eaten out by Nick was good. But really, it wasn't good enough. I needed more. I COULD get more. They were right in front of me. They wouldn't complain. Hell, I knew with CERTAINTY that BOTH of them would absolutely LOVE IT if I joined in.

I wanted ecstasy. And I fucking wanted it now. Any objections?

Nope.

{{Fuck no. Get in there girl!}}

Deedee's tits were just as supple as I had dreamed. Her Double-D melons were firm and yet plushy and all real, and I nearly creamed myself just to feel them in my hands. Her skin tasted salty with sweat in my mouth, but her scent was pure musky sex. She smelled like aroused woman, and I couldn't get enough of it. I buried my face against her neck, knocking my glasses off my head.

Fuck your glasses. You can see perfectly well without 'em anyway.

Deedee screamed the moment I grabbed her, astonished at my sudden presence. But it wasn't entirely a scream of surprise, as I felt her lower body trembling and jerking as she climaxed on Nick's tongue for a second time, or perhaps my arrival had scared her just enough to cum. Whatever the reason, I suddenly felt the urge to kiss a woman in the throes of climax, and while she was still thrashing I turned her head to mine and shoved my tongue down her throat.

Deedee kissed me back with furious desire, moaning into my mouth. I dropped my left hand to fondle her breast, and send my right hand south in search of her distended clit. Beneath my fingers, I felt Nick's wet tongue darting in and out of our mutual lover's snatch, and together we worked her over until she came to a shrieking, shaking third climax.

"Oh! Marie! AAAAAAUUUUGHHH!" Deedee screamed into the night air as her back arched, and I felt an extra quiver in my loins to hear her scream my name. Still, I held her, fondling and rubbing her all through her orgasm, until she finally went limp and sagged back against where she thought I'd be.

But I'd already moved. Knowing Deedee had gotten her rocks off, I had already set my sights on a new target. And with Deedee now collapsing face-down on top of Nick's upper body, I was free to slide off the bed and focus on his lower body.

There was Nick's Dick: tall, proud, purple, and engorged. It called to me. I HUNGERED for it.

And then it was in my mouth.

YES! YES! FUCKING FUCK-ALL YES!

{{High fives! Oh, wait. I'm a disembodied conscience without hands. Hey! Hey! High five!}}

Stop distracting her! Her hands are busy!

Indeed they were. Stroking Nick's shaft, I pumped him a few times before flattening my palms on his thighs and taking him deeper into my mouth. It had been a little while since I'd done this, but I was sure with a couple of practice lunges I could deep-throat him. Oh, the power ... Oh, the pleasure ... of finally having real, live, non-plastic cock in my mouth.

{{Fuck YEAH... }}

"Ohmigawd..." Nick raved in a voice of euphoria. He loved the feel of my mouth on his cock. And his smile told me everything I needed to know.

But then his old hesitation came back. For months, he had nursed his crush on me while keeping it restrained and under control. He truly cared about me, and that made me like him all the more. But what I was now doing to him clashed with what he had always known about me, and though he didn't make any move to push me away, he couldn't help but raise his eyebrows and ask questioningly, "Marie?"

I flinched at the name. Marie? Oh, yeah, that was me. I'd forgotten that was my name for a moment. It was the name I'd given myself, well, it was the middle name my parents had given me. But it was the moniker I'd adopted for my time here at Morris Camp, the place where my dearly beloved Ben and I had grown up over the years and fallen in love.

But Ben wasn't here.

And Marie wasn't me.

And that meant that I was truly ... HER.

{{Ah, SHIT.}}

"Marie..." Nick soothed, reaching out to me now. Somehow, I'd ended up standing upright and several feet from the bed. Still naked, and with his angry cock waving at me as if calling for my mouth to return, he sat up and gently called, "Hey..."

But I couldn't deal with this. I had just broken my sacred vow. I had TOUCHED another person in a sexual manner. Fuck that, I had SUCKED on NICK'S DICK!

You betrayed him.

{{Again.}}

I wanted to DIE.

-------

Nick and Deedee came after me. I heard them knocking on the door and calling my name, but I willed myself not to hear them. How could I face them after what I'd done? How could I face myself?

But here, in the quiet of my room, I found that I didn't have much of a choice. There was no one here BUT myself. And as I curled up in a ball in a dusty corner of the floor while hugging my knees, my self came to face me.

So... that went well... 

What am I doing? What the HELL am I doing? Have I lost sight of what I came here to do? Have I completely lost my mind?!?

Judging from way we keep having two-person conversations, I'd say so. I believe they call this clinical schizophrenia.

I came here for a specific reason. Out of all the places in the world I could have run, I came HERE. And why? To remember 'us'. To remember the girl who fell in love with a boy when we were just little. So see if I could become that girl again and someday go back to him. That was the goal. That was the purpose of this place.

Then why haven't you re-visited the places that were special to you? This whole time, you haven't even hiked to the Garden of Eden.

The Garden? That's a forty-five minute hike! And the pond is dried up this time of year.

Why haven't you gone to the clearing?

...

I'm waiting... 

...

I'm not going anywhere... 

I DON'T KNOW!

Sure you do. If -I- know, then you know.

I DON'T KNOW!

Then I'll tell you... 

No.

Why not?

Because.

Because what?

Because ... I ... I don't...

Because you STILL don't want to face it. Six months later, and you still don't have the guts to stand up and face what you've done. That's your modus operandi: To run away.

It's not.

Oh, really? Let's examine things, shall we? When you reached that tipping point of feeling like a failure, instead of sitting down and talking things over with your boyfriend, you cheat on him. Boom: irrevocable reason to break up. No further discussion. No telling him you're having issues. You cheated, and therefore you HAVE to break up. Move home and don't have to look him in the eye anymore. That's running away.

I didn't MEAN to cheat on him.

And THEN, rather than TALK to him about how fucked up your life and your decision-making is becoming, you take off on a road trip across the entire friggin' country!

Needing time and space is normal after a break-up.

And AFTER that time and space, you run away AGAIN to come here.

I'm not running. I'm here to FIND myself.

And how's that going for you?

Unable to answer that one, I just dropped my forehead on my knees and willed my brain to shut the fuck up.

Didn't work.

Even now, you're still not FINDING yourself. You're running away from yourself.

No...

You come here and completely strip down your looks, doing your level-best to be as unattractive as possible even though you look like ... well, you.

There's purpose to that: to avoid unwanted distractions.

You're running away from everything that made you YOU. You change your name. You change your looks. You even try to change your sexuality.

What?

You're hornier than a billy goat with too much calcium in its diet. But you think that enjoying a healthy sex life is too much "old you". So you make this grand resolution to be completely abstinent, avoiding sex entirely, even with other girls.

Penance.

Maybe. But it's also about trying SO HARD to be the EXACT OPPOSITE of the girl you used to be. Want to tear down the Perfect You? Become completely IMperfect! Unfriendly. Unsexy. Unattractive. It's less about finding yourself and more about destroying who you used to be! Really, you still can't even say your own name! Watch this: Daw-

NO!

See... 

I can't.

Why not? Why can't you? Really ... Why is it that you're doing all this? Why?

Because...

Because ... why?

Because ... because...

Go on. You're almost there.

Because I HATE myself.

Yes, you do.

My mind went quiet then, and as the room around me returned, I realized that could no longer hear Nick and Deedee outside. They were gone now, alienated by my unwanted intrusion into their blossoming relationship. Aaron and Zoey were gone, having realized it was more fun to be with each other than with me. The only friends I had in this place had left me. And as I continued waiting, listening to the silence, I realized that even my own conscience had gone away.

I was all alone, trapped with the one being in this entire universe I hated more than anything.

Just me.



-------

Chapter 6: Breakaway



-- NOVEMBER 25 --

I felt someone gently rocking my shoulder and calling my name. "Marie ... Marie..."

As unwelcome consciousness flooded my brain, I turned my head and accidently put my face in the direct path of a beam of sunlight. Clenching my eyes shut against the sudden illumination, I flipped over and then blinked my eyes to find Zoey standing over my bunk.

"Hey ... You okay? Bad hangover or something?"

I stared at her in confusion, not understanding what she meant. But then memories surged forth, and it all came back to me in a rush: getting royally drunk at the Thanksgiving dinner, joining in the sex between Deedee and Nick, discovering just how badly I hated myself while sitting on the floor, and then Zoey coming back to the room and waking me up just enough to put me into my bed with all my clothes on.

"Or something..." I mumbled through crusty eyelids as I grimaced and smacked my dry lips. Something told me I wouldn't need to pretend to be unattractive right at this moment.

"Well breakfast starts in about ten minutes," Zoey told me. "Figured you'd want to clean yourself up a bit before going down there. Unless you'd rather go back to sleep."

I turned my head and glanced at my pillow. I felt anything but rested, so going back to sleep was a very tempting proposition. And if I skipped breakfast, I wouldn't have to see Nick or Deedee again until lunch.

Running away again?

Damn. Just when I thought my conscience had gone away. I knew I couldn't avoid them forever, and the intellectual inside me knew that the safest course of action would be to nip any awkwardness in the bud and meet them as soon as possible. I wanted anything but a confrontation right at this moment, but I had a feeling that the awkwardness was more on my part than theirs. After all, -I- was the one that had embarrassed myself.

Zoey left me to my own devices, and I used all ten minutes to clean up as best I could, short of a shower. Fortunately, almost everyone had already left the staff cabin to go to breakfast, leaving the place to myself as I scrubbed away day-old makeup from the party and tied back my oily hair. And as I puttered about going through the basic, mindless mechanics of getting dressed and putting on my shoes, I realized that much of the darkness from last night was gone from me.

I hated myself, that I knew. At least, I hated who I had become: the girl who had cheated on her soulmate, blackmailed a professor into awarding her an undeserved 'A', and generally made a fuck-up of her entire carefully constructed life. But I wasn't that girl anymore. True, I had gone out of my way to become the exact opposite of that girl, and this 'opposite' wasn't the real me either; but at least I knew I wasn't THAT girl anymore. Now I was ... well ... I didn't KNOW who I was, but at least I didn't hate the current "me" as badly.

I felt like it was the morning after a big storm. The air smelled of electricity and dampness, but there was no more lightning and no more rain. Those things were now in the past, the worst of the danger over. When you're at the pinnacle of perfection, it's easy to fear that there's nowhere to go but down. But here, at the bottom, you realize there's nowhere to go but up.

I was only a few minutes late to breakfast, and Nick and Deedee exchanged a glance before greeting me warmly. Neither of them mentioned last night, and they wouldn't in front of Aaron or Zoey. But there was obvious concern in their eyes and I couldn't help but feel heartened by their expressions. Maybe this could all work out after all.

Even better was our conversation after breakfast. Still feeling horribly embarrassed by my actions last night, I pleaded with both of them to just forget anything had ever happened. I blamed things on being drunk and horny, and I apologized profusely while they both told me I had nothing to apologize for. I kept thinking Ben would have made some joke about girls never having to apologize to a guy for sucking on his dick, but Nick made no such remark. He seemed sincerely worried about me, and even ... scared ... that our relationship wouldn't be able to go back to the way it was before.

That's exactly what I was scared about, too. So both Nick and Deedee promised that we could be friends again. And as we all hugged and made up, I sighed in relief that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't completely alone after all.

-------

"Hey, you made it." Nick smiled as I made the final turn and came upon The Balcony.

I managed a weary smile of my own. It hadn't been a terribly hard day of work, but I was sleep-deprived and emotionally running ragged at this point.

"It's a great sunset today," he commented, sweeping his arm out across the vista.

He was probably right, but I wasn't really in the mood to look at it. I really wasn't in the mood for anything right now, feeling the urge to go back to my room, curl into a ball in my corner, and cry myself to sleep once again. But I told myself that I still needed this, still needed to hold onto what little friendship and companionship I still had lest I completely lapse into the schizophrenia of talking to myself at all hours of the day.

Nick must have sensed my mood, because only three seconds after he gestured me to the brilliant horizon, he realized that I wasn't looking at it. Without hesistation, he turned his back completely on the view to focus entirely on me. I'd sat down on the bench and leaned against a tree, and Nick sat down beside me before putting his hand on my knee. "Hey, you okay?"

I don't know why, but I jerked my knee away from his hand like it had been on fire. Instinctively, I looked up at him with wild eyes that said 'Back off fucker!' And my whole body twisted away from him like it hadn't done since the first week of our arrival.

Instantly, Nick's hands were both up in the air defensively while he tried his darndest to give me an unthreatening expression.

"I'm sorry," I said quickly, forcing myself to relax (which if you think about it, is kind of an oxymoron). Taking a deep breath, I apologized, "I don't know what came over me."

He winced and remarked, "It's okay, I know you were never a touchy-feely person."

It was true, except not lately, and not with him. I'm not saying we had our hands all over each other these past couple of months, but little innocent touches like his hand on my knee that hadn't bothered me in a LONG time and truth be told, I had sort of been going out of my way to touch him a little more in the recent few weeks. "I'm sorry. I think last night just really screwed me up."

He blushed and looked at his lap. "I wasn't going to mention it."

"Yeah, let's not," I agreed.

Nick nodded and looked away again. He wanted to ask. He wouldn't, though, and I appreciated that about him. But it would have been impossible for him to NOT want to know why. Why had I asked to watch him and Deedee? Why had I joined in? Why had I sucked his dick?

How could he NOT be curious? And at that moment, I realized that going back to the way things were could never really happen. Bridges can't be un-crossed. Bells can't be un-rung.

Dicks can't be un-sucked.

Lots of people I'd known had tried to go back to being "just friends" after a relationship; none had succeeded. It wasn't that they couldn't be on friendly terms anymore, or even be perfectly comfortable around each other; it's just that once the relationship line had been crossed, there was no going back. Those people could only move forward, accepting what had happened as a part of their past and constructing a new friendship from that point on.

Even though Nick and I had never been in such a relationship, a line had still been crossed. Going back to the old friendship, as wonderful as that might be, was impossible. Nick had told me as much this morning, when he admitted that he wouldn't be able to erase his memory. If I wanted to continue being his friend, I couldn't just sweep this under the rug. And really, if I wanted this to be a TRUE friendship, then I had to start being a BETTER friend than I had been so far.

Taking a deep breath, I said, "You know what? Let's mention it."

"Huh?" His eyebrows went up.

"Last night. Let's talk about it."

His forehead now furrowed in confusion. "Uh, didn't you say just this morning that you wanted to forget it ever happened?"

"Yeah, I know, I know. But human brains don't really work that way, unfortunately."

Gawd, if only I could find some way to forget all the horrible things I'd done to Ben.

Fiddling with my fingers, I looked down at my lap. "I've held back so much from you. There's so much I haven't told you about myself, or my past. I want to be a better friend than that. Once upon a time, you wound up face-down in the dirt, my friend. Remember that?"

Nick smirked and gave me a wry smile. "Yeah, I remember."

"Yeah, well last night was my face-in-the-dirt moment. And I'm going to try my best to climb upward from here on out."

"Really?" His smile broadened.

Taking a deep breath, I held out my hands and offered, "Okay go ahead: Ask me anything."

His eyebrows went up. "Anything?" A million questions suddenly raced across his eyes. Where was I from? What school had I attended? Why had I come here? What dark secrets was I hiding in my past? Why did I cover up my appearance? And why the hell did I suck his dick?

"Let's start with asking me about last night," I said quickly, limiting his options and thus shutting down the momentary acceleration of both his mind and his heartbeat.

"Okay..." he began, taking a deep breath. "Well here's one: Why didn't you ask me about coming to watch me and Deedee?"

I pulled my head back, surprised by his question. I had expected him to ask WHY I had wanted to watch in the first place, to better understand my motivations and thought processes. But now I realized that was my own self-centeredness, believing him to be entirely concerned with MY mental state when really, he was just like anybody else and his first thought was to wonder about himself. Why had I had gone and asked Deedee and not him?

"Uh ... well..." I fumbled, looking for the right answer, or even IF I wanted to give him a straight answer. Nick had been completely candid with me for our entire time at camp, and he'd been quite forthcoming in general, in stark contrast to my reticence at every turn. His forthright honesty deserved some reciprocation, or at least that's what the rational part of me believed. But the scared little girl inside me still wanted to curl into a fetal position and just say "No" to every question put to me, and I didn't know how I really wanted to proceed.

But fortunately, once the answer came to me I realized it was an answer that actually didn't have much to do with my feelings for him. Latching onto that as a way to get past my own defenses, I sighed and explained, "I didn't tell you this before, but Deedee tried to seduce me a couple of weeks ago."

"Really?"

I nodded. "It was that day we first got assigned to kitchen duty together. She'd been flirting with me off and on for about a week, and then after dinner she followed me back to the cabins and stepped into the shower with me."

"I see," Nick said with a squeak in his voice. He tried to cover it up by raising a fist to his mouth and coughing, but I could see that little visual had gotten to him and couldn't help but smile.

"You want me to give you the nitty-gritty details? You want me to explain about how she got naked and then started rubbing her bare breasts against mine while the shower's spray cascaded all around our nubile young bodies?"

Nick's eyes popped open wide and I saw the bulge forming in his pants. His ears were turning pink again, and his lower lip dropped an extra inch. I could see him wrestling with himself, a big part of him wanting me to continue, but instead he gulped and shook his head. "Uh, that won't be necessary."

I shrugged, "Your loss." And I grinned to myself at the tease, my heart feeling lighter already. "The point is: she told me she was into girls and invited me to come join you two that night."

"Really?"

I nodded. "Obviously, I didn't go that night."

His face fell, but he nodded. "Obviously."

"But because of that," I explained, "I already kinda knew that she wouldn't object to my presence. So when I found myself wanting to watch, I went and asked her."

Nick blinked a couple of times and NOW asked the question I'd thought he would have asked earlier. "Why DID you want to watch?"

I took a deep breath, forcing myself to recognize my own actions and really face up to my motivations for doing them. Giving him a shrug, I said, "This may shock you, but I DO actually have hormones."

Nick chuckled. "I never thought you didn't."

"Didn't you?" I asked with a skeptical look. "C'mon."

"Well ... okay. Maybe a part of me thought you were this asexual being," he admitted. "You're clearly the only one here who has shown no interest in hooking up with anyone else, male OR female. And if nothing else, if you lacked a serious sex drive, it certainly would explain a lot about why you dress and act the way you do."

I sighed, closing my eyes as I admitted to myself as well as to him, "I DO have a sex drive. I DO get horny. And I spend a lot of time by myself ... well ... taking care of myself."

I think Nick blushed more than I did at the mention of masturbation. It was rather cute, actually.

"But I don't want the complications of sex, and I don't want to get involved in a relationship."

"And there probably aren't a whole lot of lesbians here, are there?" Nick added while nodding in agreement with me.

Lesbians? Oh, right. I almost forgot. He still doesn't know I'm into guys.

"Right ... well..." I muttered. "There might be more than you think, actually."

Nick picked his head up. "Really? Who?" I giggled and Nick quickly held his hands up, waving them while staring at the ground in embarrassment. "No, no. Forget I asked that. Not my business," he stammered.

"ANYways..." I continued. "I've had a lot of pent up arousal. We're in double-bunk rooms and there's no internet porn or magazines."

"Maybe Aaron can let you borrow his stack of Playboys," Nick commented off-hand.

"He's got a stack?" I gaped.

Nick turned his eyes to me and grinned.

"Maybe ... Huh." I actually considered it. Extra eye candy couldn't hurt.

Nick squeezed his eyes shut and waved me off again. "Okay. Now I'm starting to imagine you alone in your bed with Playboy magazines in your hands, and that's NOT imagery I want in my head."

"Sorry, sorry," I laughed. "Get in the way of the friendship we've built and all."

"Right." He nodded.

I smiled though. I'd always felt comfortable around Nick, knowing he would never make a move on me. But somehow, I felt even MORE comfortable around him now that we were broaching that taboo subject of sex and yet weren't getting truly awkward about it.

"And so last night," I continued. "I'm sure it was partly because of the alcohol. I was drunk, I was horny, and my imagination just wasn't cutting it anymore. I remembered Deedee inviting me to join you guys before, and while I knew I wouldn't be comfortable actually joining you, I figured the visual stimulation would be really, really nice."

"Except you DID join," Nick intoned quietly.

Oh ... right... 

All those warm and fuzzy feelings I'd had a moment ago evaporated. The awkwardness I had been so pleased that we didn't have now suddenly showed up in full force. And a blanket of heavy silence fell upon both of us as I turned my eyes away and felt Nick look at me rather strangely.

I didn't have an explanation. I still couldn't remember precisely WHAT I was thinking, and yet, Nick's voice floated around me, asking, "Why did you do it?"

I felt Nick's hand touch my shoulder, and this time I didn't jerk away. I turned to look at him, saw his expectant face, and only now realized that he'd ACTUALLY asked me that question. I didn't know how to answer him, and from my blank expression he seemed to realize that. So taking a deep breath, he gave me a serious look and said, "I don't want to pressure you. If you're not comfortable telling me anything, you don't have to, alright?"

I nodded silently.

"But ... I ... I..."

"You still want to know," I finished for him.

Now it was his turn to nod silently.

"I don't know," I said. And then I turned away.

We were both silent for a long time. I was lost in my thoughts, still trying to understand myself and just what had happened to me. I'd gone into that cabin with certain intentions, but also certain barriers that I told myself not to cross. But I'd crossed them, and I couldn't come up with a rational explanation why.

As for what was going through Nick's head, I couldn't say. He was just as silent as me, perhaps waiting me out, waiting to see what I would say. Perhaps he was figuring out what HE wanted to say. Perhaps it was a little of both, because in the end, he was the one who spoke.

"You want to know why -I- did it?" he said. "Not last night, but a night that feels like an eternity ago. It was the night I totaled my Mercedes-Benz. It was the night I got behind the wheel while intoxicated and parked my car at Table 12."

That got my attention, and I turned back to look at him. Though the reason for his current 'prison sentence' here at Morris Camp was something we'd discussed a few times, the REASONS why had not been mentioned. I did want to know, and after gathering myself, I nodded in the affirmative.

He wasn't looking at me anymore. He was looking off into the distance, at a horizon that had long since gone dark without either of us paying attention. He was looking beyond, back through time and space into the past, putting himself in that situation once more and grimacing as he did so.

Nick pursed his lips, pressing them together until they formed a flat line across his face that matched the flatness of his gaze. And as he slowly began to shake his head, he turned back to me and shrugged, saying, "I can't tell you. I don't know."

I frowned. "Huh?"

"Why I did it? Can't tell you. There IS no rational explanation for what I did. No reasoning that makes any sense. It was completely irrational, and it happened like that." He snapped his fingers for emphasis. "It was in the heat of the moment. Just a moment, is all it took. And that momentary lapse in judgment cost me everything.

"I had the car keys. My friends were demanding them. I knew I was drunk. I KNEW better. I KNEW I shouldn't get behind the wheel. There is no logic, no reasoning, that says 'Get behind the wheel and drive'. None. Zilch. Nada. But I did it anyway. I knew it was wrong, but in that moment I said 'fuck it' and went anyway.

"I can't explain it. I can't defend it. I wish to hell I could take it back, do something different. I wish I could make myself UN-stupid and UN-reckless, but I can't. I can't change the past, and nothing I do will ever make up for it, even though supposedly that's what this court order is supposed to accomplish. I fucked up. I did wrong. I'm helpless to actually FIX anything, and now I have to live with the consequences."

With that, Nick dropped his hands onto his knees and used them to push himself off the bench. He stood and paced a few steps away from me, exhaling loudly before spinning around, his eyes turned skyward as he scanned the trees and the darkening sky. He was lost in his own thoughts, still back there on that street in LA. And that was okay, because I was lost in mine.

I had done the same, hadn't I? The moment with Jaron. The cheating. Oh, there were a million other things I did wrong in my relationship with Ben, but all of them were recoverable until I slept with Jaron. If I hadn't done that, I might have been able to face Ben the next day. I could have told him about the turmoil in my head. I could have shared my pain and asked for his help. Together, we could have fixed things. Together ... we'd still be together.

But I didn't. I fucked up. I KNEW better. I KNEW I shouldn't sleep with Jaron. There was no logic, no reasoning, that said to cheat on my boyfriend and sleep with another man. I couldn't rationalize it in any way that might equal 'the right decision'. But I did it anyway. In the moment, I said 'fuck it'. And I fucked him.

It was heat of the moment. I'd nearly died, trying to re-cross that street. Jaron saved me, saved my life. My mind was off its axis and my brain was flooded with adrenaline. My cognitive functions probably weren't so different from Nick's when he was drunk. We'd both made bad decisions. And now we were both living with the consequences.

The reality was that Nick's consequences were rather more survivable. Nobody died. Nobody he knew had gotten hurt. All of the damage was monetary, and money is replaceable. Though he felt helpless to make amends, there really weren't any amends to be made. At the end of the year, he really COULD go back to his old life, pick up where he left off, and just be a little wiser, a little more careful, and a little more abstinent from alcohol, the way he'd refused to drink at last night's party.

But not me. My actions had HURT. My actions had torn apart a relationship.

I thought back to that first day up on the ridge when Nick first told me he was here by court order. I remembered thinking that here was a guy in a situation like mine. He'd made mistakes in his past. He was here to serve his sentence. For both he and I, this was a chance for a fresh start. And together, we could learn from our past mistakes and change ourselves for the better.

But Nick was already light-years ahead of me in that. He'd lost the weight. He'd gotten physically stronger. He'd stopped whining. And he'd learned to appreciate the little things in life. He was building a house with his bare hands. He was starting a relationship with a freakishly hot and busty blonde. And he had learned the one valuable lesson he'd needed to learn here: be careful with alcohol.

That's it. That was fucking it. Nick didn't need to learn anything more from his past mistakes. He wasn't a fucked-up human being who had torn apart a perfectly good relationship and broken the heart of someone who had been truly in love. He'd been sent here by the people who loved him to grow and learn, and that's just what he'd done. Nick was ready – right now – to leave this place and go HOME to the real world. He was a fully-functional member of society who could make financial reparations for the harm he'd done and stay away from alcohol and NEVER get into the situation he'd gotten himself into before.

But not me. I'd HURT people, people that were probably still in pain from the damage I'd caused. I'd ABANDONED people who loved me and who didn't want to see me go. I was STILL fucked-up. I still didn't know who I was, or who I was going to be. I still didn't understand myself, let alone how to fix myself. I'd been here for three months already, and I wasn't any closer to knowing how I was going to get back to Ben.

My friendship with Nick had been borne out of a mutual sense of not belonging. We had both been outsiders, recovering from our past mistakes and trying to discover how to find our way back again. I had bonded with Nick because I didn't feel threatened by him, and because I saw in his lost soul a kind of kinship, knowing that we were both in the same boat.

But all of a sudden, I didn't feel that kinship with Nick anymore.

And once again, I felt all alone.

-------

-- DECEMBER 2 --

"Balcony?" Nick suggested as he caught up to me just outside the staff cabin.

I had just been about to step off the porch, but paused for a brief moment to turn and shake my head. "Nah. You go ahead if you want, maybe take Deedee for a romantic stroll. I was just on my way out on my own."

"Again?" Nick almost whined, catching himself and taking a deep breath. We were both fully aware that I'd been going out on my own a lot over the past week, and Nick certainly could tell that our relationship was not what it once was. But rather than press me, he backed off even MORE than usual, constantly reminding me of his presence and willingness to talk about anything if I would only take him up on his offer.

But I couldn't. Not anymore. It wasn't because of Thanksgiving, although he'd been making a conscious effort not to bring that up anymore. It wasn't even because of anything Nick had done. This was all me, and it was really because I just didn't feel that connected to him anymore.

He was the same nice guy I had always known. He was still attractive to me, even more so now that I had come to appreciate his endearing cuteness, sense of respect and boundaries, and obvious warmth for me. But I just didn't feel that connection with him anymore. I didn't feel that kinship. And really, half the time I looked at him I was reminded that he had succeeded in turning his life around where I had failed.

That's not to say that we weren't friends anymore. Zoey and Aaron were still all over each other, and my interactions with my own roommate were now polite greetings in passing or casual conversations at mealtimes. I was still at arm's length with most everyone else in the camp, so my choices were to hang out with Nick and Deedee, or with nobody at all.

We still went on hikes together, just ... not ALL the time anymore. We still spent mealtimes and common times together, just ... not ALL the time. And we still talked a lot with each other about what was going on or the funny anecdotes of the day, just ... not the deep personal stuff anymore.

We were going backwards. For the first three months of our friendship, Nick and I had gradually worked to a point of comfortability that included casual touches, comments without fear of judgment, and a complete lack of tension. In the span of seven days, we'd regressed back to early September, with Nick second-guessing everything he wanted to say to me for fear of my reaction, and me second-guessing everything I wanted to say to him simply because my guard was back up. He didn't hug me anymore. He didn't touch my arm. And the few times it happened by accident, it was such a surprise that I couldn't help but recoil, feeding the vicious cycle of further regression.

The awkwardness that had not been a part of our recent relationship was back – not all the time, or it would have been impossible to stay friends – but it cropped up more often than either of us would have wanted. I didn't like it. I wished it would go away. But I knew that the majority of the awkwardness was because of me, and I simply didn't know how to change it. It was almost like we'd had drunken sex, and then didn't know how to face each other in the aftermath.

Well, that's sort of true, isn't it?

Not helping...

"Just got some things I need to sort out in my head. We'll go out tomorrow night, okay?" I promised, forcing myself to smile as I looked back at Nick. "And I'll see you in a little bit for dinner."

"Dinner. Right." Nick nodded, seeming anything but satisfied. He was worried about me, but he knew that once the wall was up, it was staying up. "I'll see you later."

With a tight smile, I shrugged and stepped off the porch. "Bye."

-------

-- DECEMBER 10 --

"Hey." Nick smiled as I approached. We had just finished lunch, and he was leaning against wall by the dining hall doorway, waiting for me. It was a Saturday, a day off when friends would gather together to hang out, couples would pair off for some alone time, and when Nick and I used to go for a long hike somewhere remote to talk for several hours until hiking back for dinner.

Used to.

He looked at me hopefully, but when I didn't immediately respond his smile faltered. I slowed down and took a deep breath. I gathered myself to offer an apology, but Nick read my face and his expression fell before I could say a word.

I couldn't say anything. I didn't know WHAT to say. So I didn't. I just bowed my head and walked outside. And I didn't start breathing again until the door closed behind me.

It wasn't fair to him. I knew he had feelings for me: a crush for certain, maybe even "in love". But what could I really do? I'd told him from the beginning I didn't want a relationship, and even assured him I was lesbian to further dampen any futile hopes. I'd encouraged and supported his relationship with Deedee, so he should have always known we would never be together.

And yet, I HAD given him every reason to believe we were close, platonic friends. We'd spent the whole program together up to this point. I had been his one confidante, the companion he could count on to ward away the loneliness and isolation of being so far away from home in a rustic, Sierra retreat with people he'd never met before. Now, I wasn't even being a dependable companion.

But what could I do? I had problems of my own to deal with. Especially today.

Today I'd finally worked up the gumption to do what I'd always known would be inevitable. Today, I was going back THERE.

Focusing on my destination, I concentrated on walking the path out from the Main Lodge and into the parking lot. My beater Malibu had only been used sparingly since my arrival, taking a turn or two down the mountain into town to fetch supplies or to ferry fellow ranch hands down to a launching point for a white-water rafting group or some other bonding adventure. We all tried to use our cars at least once a month, just to make sure they started and would continue running. But I wasn't driving anywhere today.

After fetching what I needed from the glove compartment, I changed directions and walked across the grounds until I found a familiar trail. Doing so saw me cross paths with a couple of other ranch hands, but I didn't even wave back to their polite greetings. I had too much on my mind. No matter, they were used to such anti-social behavior from me.

Even after a three-year absence, I knew the route by heart. I took my time, walking at a measured pace. I was anxious for my arrival, and yet hesitant at the same time. I found myself slowing down more and more the closer I got. A trip that only took thirty minutes when I had the shorter legs of a ten-year-old took me forty minutes today, as I paused along the way to admire how little had changed over the years. Finally, I left the trail and walked across a hundred yards of bare earth that would rise again as a field of long grass next summer. The bushes, however, were perennials that kept their leaves in the cold, as were the trees above.

Apart from the seasonal changes, it was just like I remembered it. The fifteen-by-ten foot flat clearing was shaded and blocked on two sides by trees, with the bushes behind and the now dry creek before me. I had a view of the canyon beyond and a gentle breeze that intensified and chilled me every so often. It was nearly winter now but in the summer, The Clearing was quaint, and calm, and perfect. It was our private paradise.

Ours.

Mine and His.

Or at least it used to be.

I hadn't been here in three and a half years. We had just graduated High School back then, and I had celebrated my eighteenth birthday. Now, that felt like a lifetime ago, an epic eon of time back to the days when I was a carefree teenager enjoying the bliss of being with my summer boyfriend while carelessly dismissing any romantic realities waiting for me back home.

It's funny ... When you think about it, I was only actually TOGETHER with Ben just once here, for a scant couple of weeks between our junior and senior years when we agreed to become a couple and try a long-distance relationship that turned out to be doomed. All the other summers we were just friends, albeit friends with some benefits. So for all our romantic (and sexual) interludes in this special place, very few of them were ever as an official couple.

And yet our relationship had always gone beyond the "boyfriend/girlfriend" definition. Such labels had never truly applied to us, unless you considered the label of "soulmate".

I still wanted to believe he was my soulmate. After all, I had long believed that we shared a destiny that defied explanation. There was an almost mystical connection between the two of us, a bond that had formed in our infancy and had been only strengthened over time. No hatchet job of cheating, hurtful action, or miscommunication could sever that bond, no matter what we did to each other. It would always connect us, always bind us, always keep us in each other's life.

But did that necessarily mean we were meant to be together? Were we truly destined to get married, have children, and live happily ever after? Or were we like ... twins ... forever intertwined, forever family, but never more than that?

Was our bond the product of our shared experiences with each other? Or was it a construct of our parents perpetually pushing us together?

I didn't know. And really, I didn't care anymore.

I was miserable. I knew that my soul ached without him. And that this time away from him was killing me.

Then why the fuck are you not in Berkeley?

Because...

Because what?

Because I don't deserve him.

Do you have ANY idea how much of a broken record you sound like by now?

Hey, I'm HERE, aren't I?

Took you long enough.

I sighed and sat down on the ground, looking around this sacred ground where we'd spent so many precious moments together. I'd spent a helluva lot of time talking one-on-one with Nick these past few months, but that time still paled in comparison to the amount I'd spent with Ben in this very place. We'd learned about the birds and the bees here. We'd discovered our sexuality here. And we'd redefined the limits of human pleasure here. If any single place on the planet represented 'US', it was here.

And if any single object on the planet represented 'US', it was the thing I'd retrieved from my car's glove compartment.

Staring at the silver bracelet, I rubbed my thumb over the inscription: Ben Forever. It was the goal. It was the destination. It was my purpose in life.

But why? Why him? What's so special about him? I mean, besides the ungodly orgasms.

He's my Ben.

So? Nick could be 'Your Nick'.

And yet he's not. He's just Nick. Ben is BEN.

You keep putting him up on this pedestal. But the boy isn't perfect. He's made his share of mistakes. He's a fuck-up, just as much as you.

He didn't cheat on me.

Well, not on YOU. But you know full-well that cheating is a part of his past.

HE didn't cheat on ME. That's all that matters. -I- fucked up this relationship, don't you see? -I- don't deserve HIM.

And why DID you do that exactly? Ben Forever. The goal, the destination, your purpose in life. You had him. He was ready to marry you. He was ready to father your children. You had everything you ever wanted, and you threw it all away. Why?

I don't know.

Maybe it's because you weren't SURE that's what you wanted?

I'm sure now.

Why? What's different?

Because I realize what I had, and what I took for granted.

Which is what, exactly?

Happiness. Companionship. Compatibility.

You two just fit.

Yes.

And you can't find a nice fit with anyone else?

No.

How do you KNOW that?

No one else has ever made me feel the way he did.

No one YET.

No one ever. I tried. Ryan, Jaron, even Bert.

That's three dudes. Not exactly "all the fish in the sea" there.

They were enough. I'm lost without him. I'm not complete without my Ben.

So you really, really NEED Ben. That's what you're saying?

Yes.

And what if he finds someone else while you're gone? What if he falls madly in love and decides to get hitched and raise a family and do all those things together ... with someone else.

He won't. He's waiting for me. He told me.

Told you on very emotional phone call back in September. It's been a while since then. Lot can happen to a boy in that time, especially one with that many horny sluts orbiting him all the time.

He won't. He's waiting for me.

So sure of yourself?

We're soulmates. It's meant to be.

Is that why you're not back there, fighting for him right now? You just assume he'll be there for you when you get back?

I believe. I HAVE to believe.

Without a doubt?

Without a doubt.

Um, you DO remember that I am YOU, right? I'm your head, and if I'M questioning this, then you DO have a doubt.

I don't doubt.

Sure you do.

I DON'T DOUBT!

Shouting at your own brain isn't going to make this any better.

Fuck you.

Oooh, yeah. Cursing yourself in the third person is soooo much better for your sanity.

I took a deep breath, and on impulse, I slipped the bracelet around my wrist.

Wow ... Okay, that's new.

That's where it belongs. A reminder of why I'm here.

If that's the case, why haven't you been wearing it this entire time?

Because.

Because... 

JUST BECAUSE!

Uh, huh. Riiight.

The past doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm focused on him now. Ben is the goal. Ben is the destination. And the bracelet is my reminder.

So ... it's NOT a desperate measure because you've been finding your resolve slipping lately with the whole Nick and Deedee thing.

It's a symbol. It's a statement.

To yourself? Or to Nick?

Nick has nothing to do with this. This is a statement to myself.

If it were just to yourself, you wouldn't NEED a statement.

Will you SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Hey, you came here, to this place, to talk to me. I didn't see you bringing anyone else by to have this conversation. You wanted this conversation with yourself.

I didn't come here to have a conversation, period. I came here to think, to introspect.

Not get all schizophrenic again?

YES!

Too late, girlie.

Fuck.

Yeah, about fucking. How exactly are we going to manage being celibate for the rest of the year?

We'll manage. And let's not get sidetracked.

But I'm HORNY.

Me, too. But that's not the point.

Then what IS the point?

Ben.

Ah, right. Getting Ben back. Uh, not to get sidetracked again, but exactly how are we doing that when we're way up here and he's way down there?

We're finding ourselves again.

Ah, right. How's that going for you, Marie?

I'm not Marie. My name is Dawn.

I took a deep breath, waiting for my conscience to make some crack about how long it had taken me to think that name "out loud" or some equally-derisive noise of disbelief, but none came. I kept breathing, inhaling and exhaling twice more, but no further retorts were coming from my brain.

Finally, the voice had gone away. I guess it made sense. Perhaps the voice had been the REAL Dawn, the part of me that truly knew who I was. And this whole time that I ran around pretending to be someone I wasn't, that voice was screaming inside me, trying to get out.

Every time I found myself walking a path that wasn't the real path I should be on, she was there to talk me into getting back.

Every time I seemed to lose my way, she was there to nudge me in the right direction.

Now that I had finally declared myself once again to be ME, to be DAWN, that voice and I were no longer separate entities. We were together again.

And -I- was whole once more.

Pssht, in your dreams, girlie.

What the--? You're still here?

You've made progress. You're willing to say your own name. That's a good start, but we've still got a long ways to go. You think one little moment of bravery is going to make you whole once more? It's not THAT easy. There's a whole laundry list of things we need to go through.

Such as?

Actually giving answers to all the questions about your life. You've been doing that a lot: asking questions, wondering who you really are and where you're meant to go. But you have been giving a lot of 'I don't knows', and precious few concrete answers.

Sigh ... fine. Where do we begin?

We already have.

-------

-- DECEMBER 15 --

"Ooh, look at the time. I gotta run," Nick sighed as he checked his watch.

"Duty calls?" I asked with a shrug.

Nick nodded, and for a second, I thought he would hug me. We'd spent a good hour chatting together after lunch, and everything had felt like old times. I'd certainly been feeling more comfortable around him these last few days, ever since I reminded myself that I was really "Dawn" and resolved to fully dedicate myself to getting Ben back.

I'd been making regular trips to The Clearing (and having regular conversations with myself). And through them I had come to realize that while I'd initially come here with every intention of fixing myself and returning back to my one true love, I really HADN'T been doing that. My own self-doubts over whether or not Ben and I were really meant to be clouded my direction and undermined my motivation. And my self-hatred of the girl who had been with – and ultimately cheated on – Ben had been a barrier to becoming HIS true love once more.

But once I accepted my imperfection, once I accepted the mistakes I'd made, I found it easier to not hate myself. The Dawn who had thrown away her perfect life had fucked up, sure. And her actions were worthy of loathing. But it really could have been a LOT worse, and as long as I was honestly remorseful of what I'd done, I believed that MY Ben could eventually find a way to forgive me.

And more importantly, I believed that I could eventually find a way to forgive myself.

All this framed my relationship with Nick that much more clearly. He was a nice guy, and a good friend. He had feelings for me, and if I could allow myself an ego stroke for a moment, even as frumpy Marie I was still a woman worth having feelings for. But he recognized that I needed a friend, not a lover, and he had been the perfect guy for me to hang around with because he respected my boundaries and stayed behind them.

Over the months I had been falling for him, after a fashion. Lonely, isolated, and far from home, it was only human to latch onto someone else for comfort and companionship. Pent-up horniness mixed with mild jealousy for Deedee's sexual pleasure had set me down a path I shouldn't have gone down, but that was behind me now. I belonged to Ben. Even if we weren't together, he would forever be my eternal boyfriend, husband, and soulmate.

And Nick was just ... Nick.

At the last moment before hugging me, Nick's shoulders relaxed and he sagged back. Giving me a smile, he turned to head away for his job assignment. But just before he went, my hand automatically shot out of its own accord and grabbed his forearm. He paused at my touch and glanced back at me. And with a gentle tug, I pulled him toward me and wrapped my arms around him.

It was just a friendly hug, right?

Nick slumped against me for a moment before regaining his balance. He patted my back chastely, and then pulled away first. "See ya later," he said warmly.

"Laters," I replied.

When he was gone, I checked my watch. Sliding my left hand into the right sleeve of my sweater, I rubbed the bracelet tucked underneath. I had almost three hours until dinner and a free afternoon. Good time for another trip to The Clearing.

-------

Upon arrival, I sat down in the center of the clearing and took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and felt the cool December wind rustle through my hair and across my face. The tree above shaded me from direct sunlight, and I zippered my jacket fully to protect against the cold. The crisp air was cleansing, but I wanted to be comfortable.

Folding my legs into a lotus position, I balanced my head slightly forward and controlled my breathing, searching for an inner peace. I was getting used to this routine, and it only took a few moments for me to quiet away the ambient sounds into the background. And when I felt ready, I said aloud, "Okay, I'm here."

Good afternoon.

"Good afternoon, Dawn," I replied back, and then stopped speaking aloud, letting the rest of the conversation play out in my head.

Let's start with an easy one: Who do you want to be with?

Ben.

Are you sure?

Most definitely.

Why?

Because he's my soulmate.

Sure that's not your mother talking?

I'm sure. I feel it in my bones. I feel it in my pores. I belong with him. I belong TO him. He completes me. He loves me. He makes me feel better about myself. I sense it, with every sense including both common sense and sixth sense. I believe. I BELIEVE.

Works for me. Then what went wrong?

I was a child. I was immature. I wanted more, wanted different, wanted it all. It was nothing against him. I truly LOVED him. I trusted him, and I believed in our bond. It was only BECAUSE I loved him so much that I felt comfortable reaching beyond him. If I were with any other man, I would NEVER have gone to that Tri-Delt BJ party, I would NEVER have asked for a triple-penetration. Sure, they were great, but I only had the confidence to do those things because HE was my boyfriend. He was my foundation, without which I could never have ... well... 'skydived'.

Sure they weren't just selfish adventures?

Of COURSE they were selfish adventures. I was scared of him, scared of Ben's reputation. He'd done so much and experienced so many things. My life was incredibly sheltered by comparison, and I felt like I was ... behind ... for lack of a better term. But I wanted to try those things for me. And I had faith enough in our relationship to believe we would be just fine even if I tried them.

All evidence now to the contrary.

I fucked up. I hid the truth from him. If I had just told him, if I had just COMMUNICATED with him, we would still be together. If I'd just TOLD him I wanted to fly my slut flag and try new things after spending years and years of being Miss Perfect, he would have accepted me. He would have protected me. I felt guilty about them, and I tried to hide them, but I never needed to HIDE from him. He's my soulmate. He's the one man who would have stood by me all the way.

Even though he never LIKED it.

But he would have accepted it. He DID accept it. And once I got it out of my system, there would be nothing left for him not to like.

DID you get it out of your system? What, you're telling me you'll never want another triple-penetration for the rest of your entire life?

Well, maybe not my ENTIRE life. But I was never going to be a girl who needed to get made airtight twice a week. It was fun. It was different. But as much as I like sex, I'm not really a slut. I have my standards, and I would never sleep with just anybody. I'm better than that.

"Better than that?" That sounds like Miss Perfect again.

Fine, I accept that as a part of me. I have my ego. I'm beautiful and I know it. This body is a temple, and you've got to be fucking SPECIAL to get access to it. Maybe I lowered my standards a little in the search for my new and different experiences, but now that those are out of the way, the bar has been raised to where it really belongs. There's more to my relationship with Ben than wild and crazy sex with strange people. As great as the orgasms were, they were never as special as feeling his warmth and his weight on top of me when it was just the two of us alone.

So you're OKAY with being Miss Perfect?

Maybe not Miss Perfect, but Miss Pretty-Fucking-Good has a nice ring to it. Perfection is impossible, but it's still a nice thing to aspire to. I want to be the best I can be. Is that really so wrong? Why CAN'T I try to be the best girlfriend I can be for Ben? Why CAN'T I be the best student I can be? I'm driven. I'm motivated. That's not a BAD thing.

But when you fail at perfection, and it WILL happen... 

Then I'll accept it. I'll recognize perfection is impossible, and move forward.

Can you really live with yourself?

I can. And I will. Because I'll have HIM.

That's really the key, isn't it? Having Ben?

It is. With him, I am invincible.

What about your 'penance'? What about how you don't deserve him, and you're not worthy of him, and your great evils don't deserve his forgiveness.

Then I will make amends with him, WITH him.

Thought you couldn't do that. Thought you had to go and 'fix' yourself, atone for your sins, and cleanse your soul of past wrongdoing BEFORE you could be with him again.

I was still trying to be perfect. Even having fallen from grace, I was making unreasonable demands of myself. By telling myself that I couldn't go back to him until I had 'fixed' myself, I was actually saying that I had to Become Perfect again. It's impossible. And a goal that daunting made it so hard to even start. But I'm not trying to be perfect anymore. I just want to get better, and I know he will help me do that.

Assuming he even takes you back. You DID hurt him pretty bad.

He's him. I'm me. It's destiny.

It won't be that simple.

Then I'll fight for him, tooth and nail.

Sure about that?

Absolutely.

Then what the fuck are you still doing here? Go home. Go get him back.

I will. Tomorrow is the 16th. That's the last day of Finals. He'll be off on Winter Break for two weeks. It's the perfect time for me go and get him.

What about your friends? What about Nick and Deedee and Zoey and Aaron?

They'll be fine. They belong here, even Nick. Me? I belong with Ben.

That's it? Quit? Up and leave this program you dedicated yourself to?

It's not quitting. I came here for a purpose: to find myself and to return to HIM. I've accomplished what I needed, so now it's time to go home.

You really mean that, don't you?

I do.

Good. Maybe THEN I'll finally leave you the fuck alone.

I chuckled aloud and sighed. Opening my eyes and looking down, I slid my right sleeve back away from my wrist.

Ben Forever.

-------

"8-Ball, side pocket." Like a military sharp-shooter, Nick timed the rhythm of his breathing and waited until a pause between breaths. He inhaled ... exhaled ... and [CRACK]. The white cue ball went racing off at high speed, striking a glancing blow on the black 8-ball, nudging it to the right as it rolled two inches before striking the green felt cushion right at the corner of the hole, which redirected the ball's path across the hole to the opposite corner and then back again. Its momentum not yet arrested, the 8-ball spun backwards a millimeter at a time as it rapidly slowed to a halt, balancing right on the edge of falling in.

"Ha!" Aaron crowed, surveying the table that was completely bare save for the two remaining balls. Nick was stripes, Aaron was solids, but the only non-cue ball on the table remaining was the 8. "Easy shot."

"Not so fast," Nick remarked while holding a hand up, his eyes fixated on the black ball. It's rotation had not yet completely stilled, and in fact, it seemed to be picking up speed ... to the right. And then the ball abruptly spun over all the way, and dropped down into the pocket.

"Stupid table is slanted, that's what," Aaron grumbled.

"Isn't that cheating?" Zoey complained.

"We're both using the same table," Nick explained. "I just played it better, that's all."

"That's my man," Deedee laughed, walking behind Nick and patting his shoulder before goosing his ass and then continuing on her way to the coffee station.

Nick flashed a smile at his girlfriend before turning his attention back to Aaron. "Two out of three?"

"You're on."

I chuckled and shook my head, sagging into my chair and sipping my hot chocolate. Feeling the heated liquid warm my throat, I sighed and allowed myself a melancholic frown. I would miss these people. I would miss them a lot. Even though I hadn't made close friends with the majority of the ranch hands, it was still just 24 people all alone on a mountainside. It was impossible for us NOT to become rather close-knit after more than four months together, and I'd especially become quite fond of my little clique. But in less than 24 hours, I wouldn't be seeing them anymore. With any luck, in 24 hours I'd be back in my Ben's arms.

The decision had been made. The camp owners had been informed. They said they would miss me, and even more, the horses would miss me. But they saw the resolve in my eyes and when I explained that I had to go home for a personal matter, and they had no choice but to let me go. None of us were required to be here; whatever Nick might say, this wasn't a prison camp.

All that was left was how to break it to my friends. How would I tell Nick, Zoey, Aaron, Deedee, and the rest that I was leaving? And why? I still didn't have the details all worked out. Telling them my real name and purpose for being here would raise more questions than answers. All I really knew was that those four deserved to know first, and I had decided to collect them all together at the end of the night and explain things to them as best I could before letting the ranch leads make the announcement tomorrow morning at breakfast.

"Hey, I got next," Edwin announced as he arrived at the table with Tamara on his arm.

By now, the boys had already re-racked the balls and broken, starting their next game. Nick put the 4 and the 6 in already while Aaron's 13 was in the corner pocket closest to me. George, Jane, and Caesar also arrived, and now that I felt the crowd starting to close in around me, I decided to go outside and get some fresh air. It was chilly outside, but not so extreme as to be unbearable.

A minute later, the door opened behind me, and I glanced back to see Deedee come through, bundled up in her jacket and wearing a cute beanie with her long blonde locks hanging straight out from underneath.

"Hey, you," she greeted in a friendly tone.

"Hey," I replied with a smile.

"Getting away from the crowd?" she asked as the door shut behind her. She leaned her forearms on the railing beside me, holding her coffee cup with both hands for warmth.

"You know me."

"That I do. Well, some of you. The rest is still a great mystery."

There was some extra spice in Deedee's tone, and I glanced over at her. "Yeah, well, you also know I'm a private person."

"Probably the most private person I've ever met."

"We all have our secrets," I replied with a shrug.

"Most of which aren't any of my business," she admitted before picking her eyes up to mine. "But one of which, is."

I blinked in surprise. "Pardon me?"

She shrugged and leaned back from me. "Sorry, I don't mean to seem like I'm coming in on you with guns blazing. This isn't the Spanish Inquisition."

"No, it's alright. I'm curious what you mean. One of my secrets is your business?"

"Of course," she replied. "Your true feelings for Nick."

I laughed and shook my head. "I don't have any true feelings for Nick."

"Come on now. I've seen the way you look at that boy."

"I like Nick, don't get me wrong. But no. We're just friends."

"That's not what your eyes say. You certainly don't look at anybody else the way you look at him."

"We're close friends," I admitted. "Nick's different to me from all the rest. But that doesn't mean I'm interested in him."

"Why not?"

"You mean besides the fact that he's your boyfriend?"

"He's my sex toy. You and I both know there's not much to our relationship beyond that."

I raised my eyebrows. "Come on now," I parroted her earlier tone. "You and I both know you like him more than that, else you wouldn't even be here asking about MY feelings for him. You like him too, and not just as a toy. Nick's a genuinely nice guy, and he's a perfect boyfriend for you: low maintenance, low pressure, eager to please. You could do a lot worse."

"So could you."

I waved her off, thinking of Ben. "Never happen, I've actually got someone else waiting for me back home."

"Hmm, interesting." Deedee now turned to face me, propping her left elbow on the railing.

I furrowed my eyebrows and asked, "What?"

"Your immediate defense wasn't that you're a lesbian, it was that you've got someone else at home. I wonder ... is that someone else female? Or male?"

I blushed and averted my eyes, hoping that the porch lights wouldn't show the color in my cheeks. "I'd rather not talk about that."

"So it's a guy."

"I didn't say that. I like GIRLS."

"I know you do. I was there when you kissed me, fondled my tits, and rubbed my clit to a screaming orgasm."

I shivered inside and glanced back to see Deedee's grin.

"I also was there when you stuck Nick's dick into your mouth," she added.

"That was a mistake," I stated evenly.

"I'm just trying to figure out: Did you do it because you wanted cock? Or did you do it because it was Nick's?"

"Why are you doing this?" I huffed harshly as I turned and glared at the other girl. "It was a mistake and I thought we agreed to forget it ever happened!"

"I'm sorry," she replied quickly, raising her hands up before realizing she was about to spill her coffee. She then set it down on the railing and held her hands up to me once more. "I'm not trying to upset you. But I AM trying to understand what's inside that pretty little head of yours."

"To what end?"

"For Nick."

I blinked and frowned. "What about him?"

"The boy's in love with you. He's always been in love with you. And he's been outright MISERABLE these last few weeks since Thanksgiving. He tries to hide it, tries to play like you're the same friends you always were; but he's aching inside, or hadn't you noticed?"

I took a deep breath and looked away.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'," Deedee said. "Now don't get the wrong idea: I don't actually mind per se. You're right: he's a genuinely nice guy and I DO like him. But there's no future for the two of us and I tend to like my long-term commitments with a little more backbone and testosterone."

"What's your point?"

"My point is that I'm wondering if you're ever going to DO anything about him."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Me?" She smiled. "If it were up to me, you and Nick would hook up and become a cute little couple of weird-ish outsiders, and I would just tag along for mind-blowing sex with both of you. But that's just if it were up to me."

My eyebrows popped as I gaped at her.

"He's in love with you," she said sincerely. "You really like him. What's the problem?"

I took a deep breath and focused my thoughts on Ben. Averting my gaze, I stared off across the darkness of the treeline and shook my head. "It could never work."

"Why not?"

"We're friends, GOOD friends," I stated emphatically. "Why mess with that?"

"Because maybe a relationship would be even BETTER for you two."

"I didn't come here to start any relationships."

"I didn't come here to have regular booty-calls with Fat Nick. And yet it happened."

I kept shaking my head. "It would never work."

"Why NOT?"

"Because..." I thought of Ben. And then I thought of Nick. I'd been so firm in my desire to get back to my soulmate. But when I stopped and thought about it, I'd really MISS Nick. He really was a great guy, and he deserved more than what he was getting from me.

"You like him," Deedee prodded. "You LIKE-like him. Admit it."

I took a deep breath. I did. I really did.

Deedee didn't wait for me to answer. "You've GOT to be the first one to make a move. We both know he won't. It's not wimpy; he just respects the hell out of you."

But I belonged to Ben.

Sorry Nick. In another life, who knows what might have been? But this wasn't another life. I am Dawn. I am BEN'S Dawn.

Taking a deep breath, I shook my head and replied firmly, "I can't."

Deedee sighed. "Why not?"

I gave her a pained look. "I just can't. If things were different ... But they're not ... I just can't."

Deedee took a deep breath. She looked at me, looked at the anguish in my eyes. Shaking her head, she gathered herself and then leveled me with a serious gaze. "At the very least, you owe it to him to say that you DO have feelings for him, but that you can't or won't or whatever." There was resignation in her voice. "Don't leave him in this limbo of not knowing what the hell is going on in your head. Communicate with the poor guy, will ya?"

Communicate.

Communicate.

Sorry Nick. I like you. I really do like you, and it's the sort of thing that could have, maybe, led to something romantic. But it's not going to happen. I'm going home to my soulmate. He's my destiny, and any relationship I have with anybody else would be doomed. So you see, I can't start with you, because I still belong to HIM.

I'm going HOME.

"Marie?"

Both Deedee and I looked over at the new voice. The door behind us was open and Todd had poked his head out. "Yeah?" I called uncertainly.

"You've got a phone call. It sounds urgent."

-------

-- DECEMBER 16 --

"Okay everybody. Break for lunch!"

Exhaling, I dropped my garden hoe right where I stood and turned around. Lucy was already leaning over one of the insulated packs we'd carried out containing our sack lunches, and I turned to fetch one myself.

"Hey Marie. Come sit over with us," Deedee called from my left. They'd already installed the new swing, and she and Melanie were currently swaying back and forth on it with their lunch bags in hand.

I waved vaguely back toward the trail. "I'm going to go for a walk, actually," I told her, and then turned around.

Norma stepped in front of me, the older woman giving me a concerned look. "You okay, Dawn?" she asked quietly, saying my real name even more quietly. Norma was one of the owners of Morris Camp, and one of the very few people here who knew that name. She had hired me purely from knowing me and my family over the years. I had informed her only yesterday that I was leaving the ranch hand program, and I had told her just this morning before breakfast that I was changing my mind and sticking around.

I hadn't told her WHY, not why I was leaving nor why I had instead chosen to stay. She'd simply read my gaze and offered her unconditional acceptance. But I definitely think she was the reason why I'd gotten assigned to this scenic area setup at the last minute instead of staying in the stables today.

"I just need to be alone for a bit," I explained. "I promise I'll be right back."

"Break is a half-hour. Don't take too long or I'll have to send a search party after you," she sighed.

I nodded and then stepped around her. I might not actually make it back within thirty minutes, but The Clearing wasn't that far away from here.

There was no way Norma could have known that Ben's and my special place was less than a ten minute hike from the new scenic area. She'd probably assigned me to this crew out of a maternal desire to keep an eye on me. But I took it as a sign of divine providence, a reason to be out here despite having a full workload for the day. I walked the trail quickly, knowing these paths like the back of my hand. I knew I didn't have a whole lot of time, but there was nowhere on Earth I wanted to be more than there.

The Clearing was where I'd found peace and a way to communicate with the real Dawn.

The Clearing had always represented our bond.

It was special. It was magical. And unless it had been washed away by some freak flash flood, it was SOMETHING I could hold onto as a sign that maybe things weren't COMPLETELY over.

But they would be over, and soon. Somewhere around nine months I imagined.

I still couldn't believe the words that had come out of Ben's mouth over that phone line.

Pregnant.

Baby.

Marriage.

Each of those words was like a sword slash across my heart. Arteries burst. Blood spilled forth. The more he talked the more he killed me.

Killed US.

Killed what we might have been.

24 hours ago, I was ready to leave this all behind and reconnect with my soulmate.

24 hours ago, I was SURE I would be back in Ben's arms. But no, he was in someone ELSE'S arms.

He was supposed to be waiting for me.

I BELIEVED he would wait for me.

We were soulmates, weren't we? We were destined to be together. But what happened? Where did we go wrong?

-I- went wrong. I'd had him. I'd had him forever. He asked Mom and Dad for permission to marry me. He was ready to put his crazy life behind and settle down with me. He was ready to father my children. And he would have married me in an instant if that was what I'd wanted.

I'd had it all. I'd had my soulmate. I'd had my Ben. And -I- fucked it all up.

And now I'd lost him.

One phone call, and my world had gone to pieces.

One phone call, and my future was gone.

I'd cried myself to sleep again, curled in that corner of the room. Zoey had found me ... again ... and put me into bed with all my clothes on. My dreams were full of terror, happy memories with Ben torn asunder by all the demonic consequences my feverish mind could conjure up. I'd awoken in a cold sweat, dismayed to find myself here, hundreds of miles away from him, and an eternity away from our destiny.

I had planned on telling my close friends that I was leaving them last night. I had planned on Norma making an announcement to the rest of the staff this morning. None of that was necessary. I didn't have a Ben to go home to anymore.

I should have known it was a possibility. After all, Ben had fired live sperm into dozens and dozens of nubile, fertile girls by now. It was a mathematical inevitability, wasn't it? But an accident with some sorority slut would have been one thing; THIS was different.

THIS girl was special.

I'd heard it in his voice. The pregnancy had not been planned, of course, but it was a consequence they would both accept. Ben would do the right thing. Ben was forever trying to do the right thing. That's my Ben, of course. He'd fucked up enough in his early life, but now he was always trying to do better. He was always trying to BE better. He didn't say he was going to marry her per se, but I knew it anyway. The fact that he even dared to mention the M-word, mention it to ME, well ... I just couldn't take it anymore. My whole world was crashing down, and unable to deal with the anguish of any further sword-slashing words, I ran away again. I hung up the phone.

I'd gone through a riot of emotions there, starting with throwing the phone off the desk. I'd taken the call in Norma's office while she wasn't around, and immediately felt guilty over what I'd just done. Looking around the office, finding that it was still empty and that no one had come running at the sound, I went to pick up the phone and gingerly rubbed the dark mark it had made on the wall.

Putting the phone back, I sat down in a wing chair and started crying. Moments later, I got angry and began plotting how to destroy the woman who had taken away my life.

If I found a way to abort her baby, there wouldn't be anything to deal with, right?

Even better, if I killed her outright, she would no longer be able to come between me and my soulmate.

I dismissed these ideas as quickly as they had come, pounding my own skull with the heels of my hands for even thinking them. I was going crazy, I knew. But this time, I didn't even have the comfort of my own schizophrenic minds to keep me company.

Then I blamed Ben. How could he? Baby or not, how could he choose HER over me? That wasn't supposed to be possible! Not her. Never HER. How could SHE ever measure up to ME? Someone else in his life, perhaps. Adrienne, even, I could understand. But her? What did she have that I didn't?

Oh, that's right: Ben's baby growing in her belly.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!"

Ten seconds later, the door had popped open behind me. Todd had been just outside, and come running at my scream. I hadn't even realized I'd said that aloud. His presence had short-circuited my rage, and with pink cheeks of embarrassment I'd excused myself and then run away to continue my mind-racing elsewhere. I'd bounced around the camp, drifting aimlessly for about an hour. I'd even considered trying to hike here to The Clearing, but a half-hour trek in broad daylight is quite different from doing it in the darkness with only a Maglite for illumination.

No matter, I was here now. Looking around this place, envisioning all the positions our two bodies had entwined on the grass, I felt tears filling my eyes once again. I sank to my knees as a bout of shaking sobs overtook me, and when that moment passed I sat down and tried to form a lotus position of peace.

I couldn't do it. My knees, always so flexible, refused to budge. I wound up hugging them to my chest, rocking back and forth while alternately crying and laughing and then doing them both at the same time.

Pregnant? Ben? With HER?

What the FUCK?!?!?!?

It wasn't over yet. These things take time, and my doomsday clock had somewhere just under nine months to go. But although the only clock around here was that on my wristwatch, I SWORE I could hear it ticking down.

Oh, wait, that IS my wristwatch.

Fuck, I'm going INSANE.

It's over. It's all over. I lost my Ben. He told me to stay with him. He pleaded for me not to leave him. But I couldn't live with myself. I ran away.

I suppose I didn't have anyone to blame but myself. If I had been there, if I had been with him, maybe we would have worked this out. Maybe we would have figured out our relationship TOGETHER. But we didn't. -I- didn't. I ran away. It was my fucking fault. It was my fault for ruining the relationship in the first place. And it was MY fault for not sticking around to heal with him.

I didn't deserve him.

I really, REALLY didn't deserve him.

I was fucked up. Truly, truly FUCKED UP. I didn't even know who I was for the last four months! He was better off without me. Yeah, with her, he might be truly happy. She could make him happy, right? Better than me, at least.

He was better off.

Wait, am I going about this the right way? Think, Dawn. Think. What's that cycle again? You learned this in class. Ah, yes. Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Acceptance.

Denial: Well yeah, when he told me I didn't believe it. Ben? Pregnant? Without ME? Never. And yet he was.

Anger: I was pissed at him. Sure I was pissed at him. I was pissed at HER. How could she do this to me? HOW could SHE do this to ME?!?

Depression: That's the crying bit, right? I'd certainly shed a lot of tears in the last what, 18 hours or so.

Bargaining: Must have missed this part. I don't remember any bargains. Maybe it was because I couldn't talk to him. How could I bargain ... Still be friends? Still be a part of his life? Still be a part of THEIR lives? Be Aunt Dawn to their little one, something like that?

And Acceptance: He was better off without me. If nothing else, this whole camp experience has proven one thing: Dawn is OFF her FUCKING ROCKER.

I'm fucked up.

I'm supremely fucked up.

I'm so fucked up I don't even know what fucked up is.

Why the fuck am I giggling like a crazy woman?

Oh, that's right. I AM A CRAZY WOMAN! HA-HA-HA!

Okay, hand-heels to the forehead again. PULL. YOUR. SELF. TOGETHER. WOMAN!

Oww! What was that? Something else banged into my forehead.

Oh yeah. Bracelet. Ben Forever.

Ben Forever.

Ben ... Forever...

Ben...

Forever...

Not anymore.

And I started crying again.

-------

I made it back to the work detail in thirty-five minutes. Nobody really noticed that I was five minutes late, and nobody really noticed that I was being rather quiet. Why would they? Marie had made a career out of being quiet so far at camp.

I was equally quiet as we hiked back to camp. And I was still quiet as we cleaned up, took showers, and then went our separate ways before dinner. I knew Nick would be looking for me, but I ducked out the other way and took a circuitous route to avoid him. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to see ANYBODY right now.

After an equally quiet dinner, I found an isolated spot away from prying eyes, really just a random log to sit on twenty feet away from the nearest trail, with a big redwood behind my back so that nobody would see me, especially since the sun had gone down. I found my left hand fiddling with my right wrist beneath my sleeve and then forced myself to stop fiddling, but I couldn't help but miss the special unbroken circle that was now missing.

Why SHOULD I miss it anyway? It was just a cheap silver band I'd picked up at a mall kiosk. But I missed it, and for now, I regretted my impulsive action hiking back from The Clearing.

In my rage, I'd taken off the bracelet and thrown it into the river. Not the creek, mind you, that was just a dry bed this time of year. No, the trail had taken me alongside the main river, which was still flowing even in December. And I'd tossed the hunk of junk aside where it would never be found.

I remember the way it had gone into the water. For some reason, I'd thought it would sit on the surface for a moment, like the One Ring in that Frodo-movie. But it just blasted through the surface like a rock, disappearing in an instant for all eternity.

It was gone, and now I had to accept that.

Ben was gone, and now I had to accept that.

My life as I knew it was gone, and I had to move forward.

I had dreamed a dream, but now that dream was gone from me.

So much of my early life had been built around Ben. Even when he moved away from me when we were ten, he annually remained a part of my life. He was my first love. He was my first everything.

Perhaps he could still be our LAST?

Shut up you.

But he's BEN. He's our SOULMATE.

He's just a man. And he's not even as perfect a man as I might wish him to be. It's easy to think of of how wonderful things could have been, would have been...

Think of how wonderful things actually WERE.

There was a lot about our relationship that was great. But I have to remember: there was a lot that was NOT.

Only because SOMEONE got cold feet.

I wasn't ready. And he wasn't ready for ME.

Blame-shifting again?

I know what I fucked up. But I've GOT to stop putting Ben on that pedestal. There CAN be a good life without him.

How can there? He's our destiny!

What is destiny? What is a soulmate? I can't live the rest of my life desperately clinging to those two ideals.

Why not?

Because a happy life isn't just going to drop into my lap. I can't sit around any longer, waiting for destiny to bring my soulmate to ME. I just tried that over the last four months, and look what happened. I HAVE to move on. I HAVE to move forward.

But how? How can we move on when we're still in love with him?

Stop being in love with him.

Easier said than done.

The bracelet's gone. That's a first step.

What about the one still circling our heart?

That one's gotta go too. Somehow. Someway. I came here to make a fresh start. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

So how do we begin?

We build a new life. New career. New friends. New possibilities.

Nick and Deedee?

They're a start.

A relationship? Romance?

Maybe not yet. I still need to get over this one.

Sex?

Well ... perhaps. I AM horny.

Friendship?

Definitely. With communication. Definitely with communication. That's the one thing Ben said I lacked. That's the one thing that undermined my relationship with him more than anything. And that's the one thing I've held back from my friends in my time here: Communication. It's in my nature. I hide who I really am in an attempt to make them see the me that I WANT them to see. But I can't do that anymore. I've got to communicate, and it starts with telling them my real name.

But what if they don't LIKE the real us?

I have to try. Once, Nick shared his past with me on nothing but a leap of faith and the vague sense that he could trust me. Now, it's my turn to do the same.

What if he's not the right guy for us? What if we aren't meant to be?

If he isn't, he isn't. I'm not looking to get into a new relationship. But I DO need friends. I need to start opening up and SHARING my emotions with someone, both the good AND the bad.

But starting over ... Can we really do that? Can we really leave everything behind?

We're not leaving EVERYTHING behind. I still want to get my degree. Family is still family. And really ... whether I like it or not, Ben's family will always be a part of my own. Some part of me will always love him ... in some way or another.

But not together. Ben and Dawn ... forever... 

That dream is gone.

That dream is gone.

That dream is gone.

I took a deep breath. I let out the exhalation. And for some reason, Kelly Clarkson's voice filled my head.

// I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye

// I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway... 

// Out of the darkness and into the sun, but I won't forget the place I come from

// I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway... 

Breakaway.


-------
The End
-------
Posted:  2012-06-15
Last Modified: 2012-06-18 / 09:43:30 am
-------
http://storiesonline.net/
-------