Storiesonline.net
-------

                                  Magic
                            by Lazlo Zalezac

Copyright© 2008 by Lazlo Zalezac


-------
Description: Science is killing magic. The last of the magical beings decide that it is time for the return of a Merlin-like person to bring back the magic. The job requirements are: he's got to be an unlikely hero type that is lucky; he's got to own silver and be willing to trade it for a gift of magic; and he's got to be a horny guy with a bad fashion sense.

Codes: MF fant humor
-------



-------

Prologue


Chom entered the glade and looked around. Seated on a log by the fire was Pip. Pip, one of the Appalachian Mountain Dwarves, did not look well. He was getting a little transparent around the edges. Taking a seat on the log, Chom asked, "Where is everyone?"

"So far we are it," Pip answered looking over at the other dwarf. Chom, one of the Carpathian Mountain Dwarves, had the biggest nose of any dwarf he knew and that was saying a lot. Well, it was saying a lot when there had been thousands of dwarves, but that wasn't the case anymore.

Chom frowned at the answer. He said, "I was late. It can't be just the two of us left."

"The fairies, brownies, gnomes, banshees, and leprechauns are all gone," Pip said in a depressed voice. The dragons, unicorns, and centaurs had been gone for more than a thousand years. He didn't miss the dragons all that much. He'd been a little hostile towards dragons ever since he had been eaten by one. The year spent in its digestive system hadn't been fun.

"The fairies are gone?" Chom asked dismayed by the news. At the last Magic Folk Soiree there had been several dozen left. Of course, that had been a hundred years ago.

"I haven't heard anything about the pixies in ages," Pip said. He swayed and nearly fell over as a wave of weakness passed through him. His condition was getting worse.

Noticing Pip flicker in and out of view for a second, Chom said, "You don't look well."

"I'm fading," Pip said with a sad shake of his head.

Chom frowned when he realized the implications of that and said, "I don't want to be the last one."

From off in the distance Chom heard a shout, "Hello! Is there anyone here?"

Chom recognized the voice of Clea. He wondered if she was the last female dwarf. He shouted back, "We're over here!"

A few minutes later Clea entered the glade and said, "I was expecting to hear a party going on. Where is everybody?"

"This is it," Pip said feeling very depressed.

Clea sat down at the fire and said, "I was afraid of that. The pixies are gone. I saw the last one fade away two years ago."

"That's bad," Chom said. He had always been fond of the pixies.

Throwing a piece of wood into the fire, Pip said, "The magic is nearly dead."

"Science has just about killed it," Clea said. Pip flickered in and out of view. She looked at Pip and said, "You don't look so good."

"I'm fading. In another day or three I'll be gone," Pip said.

"Sorry," Clea said.

Although he was resigned to his imminent fading, Pip said, "I don't want to fade away."

"We're more or less immortal. We'll come back when the magic comes back," Chom said hoping that it was actually true. Every two thousand years or so there was a crisis with magic, but this was the worst in history. Last time it had been the spread of philosophy that was killing it.

"I think we need to help the magic recover," Pip said.

Clea said, "There's only the three of us left. Once we're gone, there won't be any magic ever again."

"You mean it is up to us to bring back the magic?" Chom asked tugging on his beard. He didn't like the sound of that. He wasn't the most responsible of Dwarves.

"That's right," Pip said. He looked down at his hand thinking it was beginning to look rather insubstantial. He added, "We better hurry before I'm a goner."

Looking over at Pip, Chom could see the need for them to get to work. He asked, "What do you suggest?"

Clea said, "We need to find another man like that last one. Oh, what was his name? You know who I mean ... He was doing a real good job until he got involved in politics and his cock got him into trouble."

"Clinton?" Pip asked.

Shaking his head, Chom answered, "Merlin."

"That's right. The man's name was Merlin. We need another Merlin to bring back the magic," Clea said.

Chom tugged on his beard and said, "There are special rules for that kind of stuff. I don't quite remember them all. In fact, I don't remember any of them."

"He's got to be an unlikely hero type," Pip said.

"He's got to be a lucky hero type," Clea said correcting him.

"There was an unlikely in there," Pip argued.

Clea shrugged her shoulders and said, "Okay, he's got to be an unlikely hero type that is lucky."

"Agreed," Pip said.

"That's fine with me," Chom said. He looked around at the other two dwarves waiting for a suggestion. He recalled something about a leprechaun being involved the last time there had been a crisis of magic. He said, "He's got to exchange precious metals for the magical gifts. The strength of the gift is proportional to the amount of metal."

Clea added, "He can only get one magical gift a year."

"That's right," Chom said nodding his head. He summarized, "He can only get one magical gift per year in exchange for precious metals with the gift proportional to the quantity of metal."

"Good enough for me," Pip said.

"I'm fine with it," Clea said.

Chom said, "That's not really a rule, but more like a procedure."

"You're right," Clea said. She was quiet for a moment and said, "He's got to own silver and be willing to trade it for a gift of magic."

"That's better," Pip said.

"Right," Chom agreed.

Pip said, "That's two rules. There's got to be three rules."

"Why three?" Clea asked tugging on her rather attractive beard.

"It is always three," Pip answered, "That's a rule. All rules come in threes."

The three of them sat around looking at each other waiting for someone to suggest the third rule. Getting tired of waiting, Chom said, "I don't remember a third rule."

Clea shrugged her shoulders and said, "So we make up one."

"Can we do that?" Pip asked.

"Why not?" Chom said looking at the other two Dwarves. He added, "We already made up the first two rules."

"Okay," Pip said shrugging his shoulders.

Chom asked, "Any suggestions."

"Celibacy?" Pip asked.

"No, Merlin was a horny bastard," Clea said remembering some of the stories about Merlin. If he wasn't trying to get laid, he was helping other folks get laid.

"I remember now. He buggered anything that moved," Chom said.

Pip asked, "Even chickens?"

Clea snorted and said, "He wasn't that bad. He left birds, fish, reptiles, and quadrupeds alone."

"He buggered frogs?" Pip asked looking over at Clea in amazement after he considered what was left. It was hard to believe that Merlin had even thought of the idea, much less did it. Not once in his long life had the thought of having his way with a frog crossed his mind.

"He left amphibians alone too," Clea said in disgust.

"Oh. That doesn't leave much," Pip said.

"It leaves him buggering a lot of people," Chom said.

Nodding her head, Clea said, "That's true."

Chom said, "So our guy has to be horny?"

"That covers just about any man walking around," Clea said rolling her eyes. "We need something a little more restrictive."

"Merlin grew that ratty beard and wore weird clothes. Everyone else was wearing pants and he was dressed up in a robe like some barbarian transvestite," Pip said.

Clea said, "So is that the third rule? He's got to be a horny guy with a bad fashion sense."

Chom shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't know."

"It is kind of a strange rule, but it is as good as any other," Pip said.

"Why not?" Chom asked tugging on his beard.

Stroking her long slender beard, Clea said, "So it is agreed."

"Sure," Chom said.

"Sure," Pip said.

"So we've figured out the rules governing the selection of the young man," Chom said.

"Why a young man?" Pip asked, "The rules don't require him to be young."

"It is not a rule, but common sense. An old man won't do. It would be a disaster if we gave some old geezer magic powers and then a week later he kicks the bucket as a result of a heart attack," Clea said.

"You're right," Pip said.

The three of them sat around the fire staring at the flames. After about thirty minutes, Clea said, "This isn't much of a party."

"You're right," Pip said.

Chom asked, "What should we do now?"

"We could try to make it a real party," Clea said.

Pip said, "With just the three of us? That's not much of a party."

Nodding his head in agreement, Chom said, "I suppose we ought to figure out where we're going to find this individual who is going to help bring magic back."



-------

Chapter 1


Turning off the alarm clock, Sean rolled over on his side to hide his morning erection from his sister. She always burst into his room to make sure that he was awake. The tent in his sheet created by his morning erection had the potential of great embarrassment. So far, his little sister had never noticed it.

The door swung open and his sister charged into the room. Lily yelled, "Out of bed, lazy head!"

"I'm awake," Sean moaned while trying to cover his head with his pillow.

"Up up up! Time to get up!"

"I'm awake," Sean said with a groan.

"If you are so awake, what are you doing still in bed?" she asked. Her cheerful voice drove nails into his brain. He hated morning people with a passion, especially first thing in the morning.

"I'm waiting for you to leave," Sean answered repeating a conversation that took place every morning.

"Why are you waiting for me to leave?" Lily asked wondering what answer her brother was going to give her that morning.

Wanting to get rid of her, Sean answered, "I'm naked."

Lily ran from the room shouting, "Mommy, Sean's a pervert!"

Sean sat up in bed and ran his fingers through his hair. His little sister didn't even know what a pervert was, but had liked the sound of it when she'd heard it on the television a couple weeks ago. She was ten years younger than him and would be entering second grade when school started in September. He would be starting his senior year, but at the moment he was in the middle of summer vacation. It wasn't fair that he had to get up before the roosters crowed during summer vacation.

He sighed thinking it was hell being a night person and living in a house full of morning people. At least dealing with her had given time for his morning wood to abate. He grabbed his old grungy sweat pants and put them on. He opened his drawer looking for a tee-shirt and found it was empty. Stumbling over to his closet, he looked for a shirt to wear. He grabbed the first shirt that came to hand. He didn't notice that it was a thick cotton plaid shirt that was more appropriate for winter wear.

He stumbled out of his room and headed towards the bathroom. As was the case most mornings, the door was closed. Groaning, he said, "You'd think that she could use it before coming in to wake me."

He sat down on the floor waiting for her to finish. He yawned and closed his eyes wishing that his family would let him sleep late on occasion. His eyes popped open when Lily shouted, "Wake-ee, Wake-ee!"

"I'm awake," Sean groaned wishing that just once they'd let him sleep late.

"Your eyes were shut," she said looking at him as if daring him to argue.

Rather than argue, he rose from the floor and headed into the bathroom. If it wasn't for the pressure in his bladder, he would have turned around and headed back into his bedroom. He hated mornings. He had just started urinating when his little sister banged on the door and shouted, "Don't fall asleep in there."

He shook his head thinking that his one attempt to get a little more sleep earlier that summer had been a major mistake. He had figured that no one would notice if he got a little half hour nap in the bathroom. He had hoped they'd just chalk it up to him taking a dump. Now he couldn't take his morning piss without having his little sister banging on the door every five minutes. It was so bad that he wouldn't be able to jack off until later in the morning. He shouted, "I'm awake!"

He could hear Lily running down the hall to report his morning progress to their mother. He finished his piss and washed his hands. With a yawn, he said, "Time to face the rest of the family."

Opening the door in time to face his sister, he said, "I hate mornings."

"You're so grumpy in the morning," Lily said.

Sean followed Lily to the kitchen. His mother looked up when he entered the room and said, "Good morning, sleepy head."

"It is six thirty. Normal people are still asleep," Sean said shaking his head.

"Early to bed and early to wise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise," she replied.

Sean said, "Ben Franklin was a sick bastard."

His mother hit him in the back of his head and said, "Don't talk like that in front of his sister."

"Let me sleep in the morning and I won't talk like that in front of anyone," Sean said rubbing the back of his head.

"Quite complaining," his mother said, "We're out of milk. I need you to run to the store."

"I'm still half asleep," Sean complained.

His mother looked at him and said, "You're so grumpy in the morning. It is hard to believe that you're our child. Look at your sister, she's cheerful. Your father is cheerful. I'm cheerful. All of us are cheerful except for you, Mr. Grumpy. What's the matter with you?"

"I hate mornings," Sean said.

His mother said, "You can't hate mornings. Mornings have dimples when they smile."

"That doesn't make sense," Sean said.

His mother pointed to the door and said, "Now go get some milk from the store."

Sean rolled his eyes and held out his hand. He said, "I'll need some money."

"It is on the counter," his mother said. Remembering that she had sent him to the store in the morning the previous day and that the clerk had enforced the no shirt, no shoes, no service rule, she added, "Wear shoes."

Sean went over to the counter and picked up the money. Stopping by the back door, he slipped on a pair of shoes. It probably would have been better if he had been wearing socks, but his mind was still in that sluggish first-thing-in-the-morning state. He headed out the back door to take the shortcut through the woods to the convenience store. He paused at the entrance to the path and then said, "It should be safe enough. Dickhead is probably still in bed."

A hundred yards into the woods, Sean groaned and came to a stop. The bane of his existence was in the middle of the path. Max Baxter, jock and hater of any kind of intelligent person, was standing with his back to him wearing a jogging outfit. He wondered what Max was doing just standing there. He said, "I hate mornings."

Max turned to face Sean. Frowning, Sean took a good look at what was going on in front of him. It looked like Max was holding a small girl upside down by her legs. At least it looked like a little girl. She had long hair that hung down to the ground and a dress that had fallen to her waist. Max was holding her legs spread and staring at her crotch. The idea of Max abusing a young girl the age of his sister caused his blood to boil. Despite knowing that he was going to die, Sean screamed and charged.

Max looked up surprised to see the wimp charging towards him. He tossed his captive aside and smiled at the chance to beat some more sense into the wimp. It wouldn't take long to take care of Sean and he'd be able to catch her before she got too far away. He crouched down to catch Sean.

Sean was just a few feet away from Max when he tripped over a root. His hand, outstretched to catch his fall, struck Max in the balls. His head hit Max right in the stomach with the full force of his body behind it. He was lucky he didn't break his neck. The net result of his accident was that Max went down like a rag doll. Curled in a ball, Max started vomiting.

Stunned by what he had done, Sean sat up and blinked. The impossible had happened. Max was down on the ground in worse shape than him. He considered getting up and kicking Max a few times, but thought better of it. He knew that the next time Max got his hands on him that the outcome was likely to be vastly different.

The girl he had rescued was standing in front of him. He wiped his eyes and looked at her again. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Confused, he said, "You have a beard."

"Yes," Clea said, "I'm a dwarf."

"A dwarf?"

"Yes, I'm a dwarf," Clea said.

Chom came out of the woods and looked at Sean. He said, "He's a rather unlikely hero."

"There was no skill in that take down. He's definitely lucky to beat someone so much bigger than him," Pip said while stepping out of the woods.

"Look at his clothes. He's wearing one black shoe and one brown shoe," Clea said.

Sean looked at his feet. He'd put on one of his shoes and one of his father's shoes. He shook his head and said, "This has got to be some kind of bad dream."

"He's got great taste in clothes. Who wears a plaid winter shirt with sweat pants in the middle of summer?" Chom said.

Sean looked at the three little people standing in front of him. It was obvious that two of them were male and the third was a female based on the size of the tits on her chest. Arguing against that was her beard. Convinced that he was dreaming, he asked, "When does the naked woman show up?"

"He's horny," Pip said.

"He's a male and that's a given," Clea said with her hands on her hips. She had expected something a little more than this guy.

"Do you own any silver?" Chom asked.

"Yes," Sean answered.

"So he's the one," Pip said.

Sean looked over at Max who was starting to get up. He asked, "What about him?"

Clea went over and picked up Max. With an ease that should have been impossible, she tossed him a hundred yards into the woods. Returning to stand in front of Sean, she said, "That guy is a jerk. He could have just asked and I would have showed him my pussy. Instead he has to dangle me upside down with my legs spread."

His early morning mental fog was starting to lift. After considering what she had just said, Sean asked, "Could I see it?"

Chom said, "He's definitely horny."

Pip felt another wave of weakness wash over him. He said, "I don't have much time. Can we make the deal now?"

Chom looked at Pip and decided that they didn't have much time. He asked, "How would you like to have magic powers?"

"That would be nice," Sean said wondering what kind of dream this was. He looked around and asked, "When does the naked woman show up? Come on, I'm going to have to wake up soon."

Pip said, "Let's just get it over. Clea, show him your pussy."

"It looks like he's the right one. He's just about as smart as Merlin. That guy couldn't think his way beyond his cock," Chom said shaking his head.

"I hate mornings even if I am dreaming one," Sean said.

Chom said, "He's hopeless."

Clea asked, "What is your name?"

"Sean."

"Sean, come back here at noon and bring some silver with you. We'll give you the gift of magic," Clea said.

"I take it you're not going to show me your pussy," Sean said rubbing his forehead where he had connected with Max.

Bruised and battered, Max crawled out of the woods. Looking at Sean, he said, "I'm going to kill you."

Chom shook his head and looked up to the sky. He walked over to Max and tossed him back in the woods. Sean could hear Max scream and then there was the thud as he hit the ground. He said, "That's got to hurt."

Returning to where Sean was still sitting on the ground, Chom said, "The youth today are pretty stupid if you want my opinion."

Feeling left out of all of the fun, Pip said, "It is my turn to toss him when he comes over again."

Clea ignored the action taking place behind her and said, "Sean, this isn't a dream. Come back here at noon. Bring some silver with you. We'll give you the gift of magic."

"Okay," Sean said wondering how people so small could toss Max around like that. Of course, anything was possible in a dream.

"You'll do it?" Pip asked.

"Sure," Sean said rubbing the back of his neck.

Clea asked, "What were you doing out here?"

He looked around trying to remember the beginning of this weird dream. Finally, he said, "I'm supposed to be getting some milk from the store."

"You should do that and come back here at noon," Clea said.

"I'm waiting for the naked woman to show up," Sean said.

Clea lifted her dress and said, "Look all you want and then go to the store. Come back at noon with silver."

"Okay," Sean said taking a good look at the valley between her legs. She wasn't wearing panties. His erection tented his sweat pants.

"You might as well take care of that. You can't go walking into a store with a boner," Clea said.

"How?" Sean asked. He noticed Chom making a gesture like he was jacking off.

He dropped his pants and jacked off thinking that this was a pretty strange dream. He was jacking off to a short stocky woman with a beard that went down to her waist. This was a dream that he'd never share with anyone. With a groan, he came. He stood there for a second waiting to wake up.

"Was that fun?" Clea asked dropping her skirt so that she was covered once again.

"Yes," He answered. He looked up at her face and said, "Thanks."

"You're welcome," Clea said, "Go to the store now."

"I guess I better. It doesn't look like I'll be waking up anytime soon," Sean said pulling his sweat pants up around his waist.

Shaking his head, Chom watched Sean walk down the path. He looked at the money on the ground and sent it to Sean's hand. He looked over at Clea and asked, "That's a strange kid. Why did you show him your pussy like that?"

"I felt like it," Clea answered. She looked at Pip and Chom for a second before she added, "It has been decades since either of you have asked to see it."

"That's true," Pip said.

Chom said, "It was a lot of fun for the first ten thousand years, but it got old after that."

"There was supposed to be a lot of that last night at the Magic Folk Soiree, but nothing happened," Clea said with a frown. She smiled and asked, "So do you want to see it?"

"Might as well," Chom said.

Pip said, "Sure. We've got a couple of hours to kill."

Sean arrived at the store and got the milk out of the cooler. He looked at the money in his hand and wondered how he had managed to keep a hold of it. He went to the counter and put the money down. The clerk looked over at his feet and said, "You do know that you have a black shoe and a brown shoe, don't you?"

"The dwarves already pointed that out to me," Sean answered grabbing the milk.

"You're a strange kid," the clerk said ringing up the sale.

Walking out of the store, Sean said, "This sure is a strange dream. I should have awakened by now."

He headed home and reached the spot where he had met the dwarves. There was no sign that anyone had been there. Scratching his cheek, he looked around and said, "I wonder if this is when the naked woman shows up."

When nothing happened, he headed back home. He reached home and handed his mother the bottle of milk. He dropped the change in the change jar. She looked at him with an expression of concern on her face. In a worried voice, she said, "Max Baxter's mother called. She said that you and three midgets beat up Max."

Looking at his mother, Sean said, "This dream is just getting weirder and weirder."

"Sean, you look like you've been in a fight," his mother said.

"It is all just a dream," Sean said. He hoped that his mother wasn't going to be the naked woman in his dream. He didn't think he could handle that.

Frowning, his mother held a hand against his forehead and asked, "Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm just waiting for this dream to end," Sean said.

His mother said, "Tell me about the midgets."

"Dwarves. They were dwarves — two males and a female," Sean said.

"How do you know they were dwarves?" his mother asked.

"They all had beards," Sean answered.

"If they all had beards, how do you know that one of them was a female?" his mother asked.

He answered, "The female dwarf had huge breasts and she let me look at her pussy."

"Sean Connery Michaels!"

Sean grimaced at hearing his mother use his full name. He hated it. His mother and father had been great fans of the fictional British spy. He said, "This dream is just getting worse and worse."

"You'll be having a nightmare if you keep talking like that," his mother said.

Sean grimaced at the thought of this dream turning into a nightmare. He said, "I hope that you aren't the naked woman who is supposed to appear in my dream. I really don't think I could handle that."

His mother put her hand to her mouth shocked that her son would dare say something like that. She screamed, "How dare you say those kinds of things to me?"

"I can say all kinds of things. After all, this is just a dream," Sean said.

"You aren't dreaming," his mother said in a very concerned tone of voice. She was afraid that he must have really taken a hard one to the head to be so confused.

Looking at her, he said, "Of course it is a dream. There's no way that I'd ever beat Max in a fight. There are no such things as dwarves. There's no way a female dwarf with a beard would let me jack off while looking at her pussy."

"Maybe you should go up to your room and lie down for a while," his mother suggested. She wondered how hard Sean had hit his head.

Sean wasn't going to argue about getting a little extra sleep in the morning even if it was happening in a dream. He immediately went to his bedroom. Going over to his bed, he looked at the alarm clock. It was seven thirty. He got into bed, yawned, and promptly fell asleep.

Sean woke up and looked at the alarm clock ready to turn it off before his little sister came charging into the room. He stared at the time wondering how his mother had let him sleep until eleven. He looked down at his clothes. He was wearing a plaid shirt and the sweat pants. He ran his fingers through his hair and said, "This is weird. I must have been sleepwalking in my dream."

He stomach growled. Hungry, he headed to the kitchen. He fixed a bowl of cereal and sat down to eat. His mother came into the kitchen and asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," Sean said. He dipped a spoon into the bowl of cereal and said, "I had the strangest dream this morning. You wouldn't believe it if I were to tell it to you."

"Tell me about it," she said crossing her arms.

Sean shoveled the cereal into his mouth remembering some of the details of the dream. There was no way that he was going to tell her about jacking off while looking at the female dwarf. He swallowed and said, "I had a fight with Max and actually beat him. There were dwarves there. It was really wild."

"Anything special happen with the dwarves?" his mother asked pointedly. She wondered if he was going to get into all of the sex stuff again.

Rather than answering, Sean ate another spoonful of cereal. He looked up at her and saw that she was still waiting for an answer. Shrugging his shoulders, he answered, "Just normal teenage dream kind of stuff."

"Okay," his mother said thinking that teenage dreams must have changed a lot since she was a teenager. She couldn't recall ever dreaming about masturbating while staring at a midget. Wanting to get to the bottom of the story, she had stopped by the Baxter's house and seen how Max looked. The boy was in pretty sad shape.

Sean glanced at the kitchen clock and returned to eating his cereal. He looked over at his mother and could see that she was still watching him. He asked, "Is there something wrong?"

"I saw Max Baxter," his mother said watching his reaction. At least Max's mother didn't believe the story. There were enough ridiculous elements to it that it appeared Max was lying. There was no way that Sean could have beaten Max like that. Max's mother may not have believed the story, but it jibbed with things that Sean had said earlier that morning.

"Okay," Sean replied wondering what was so significant about that.

She had to admit that it was a pretty wild story. A midget toss involved tossing the midget, not having the midgets toss a very large high school kid who was an offensive guard on the football team. She said, "He told me essentially the same story. He said that you beat him up and some midgets threw him into the woods."

"How'd he know about my dream?" Sean asked puzzled.

"It wasn't a dream," his mother said.

"Dwarves don't exist," Sean said.

"Midgets do," his mother said.

"Female midgets don't have beards that go down to their waist," Sean said pointing a finger at his mother making a point.

"Max was in serious shape. His mother told me that his testicles were injured. He had cuts and scrapes over most of his body. He can barely move."

Puzzled by his mother's insistence that his dream was true, Sean said, "Maybe he tripped when he was jogging and wants to blame me."

"Sean, it wasn't a dream," his mother said putting a hand on his arm. She said, "Max told the same story that you told me this morning. You beat him up and some midgets threw him in the woods."

"I didn't go anywhere this morning, I just woke up," Sean said trying to remember the kinds of things that he had told his mother in the dream.

"You went to the store and bought milk this morning. You got in a fight with Max and you saw some midgets," his mother said. She wasn't going to mention the bit about having sex with the midget. That was just too strange.

Sean looked down at his clothes thinking that he had worn them in his dream. It didn't make sense unless ... He didn't want to finish the thought. For the first time since seeing the dwarves, he questioned his belief that it had all been a dream. His mother was telling him details about his dream. He said, "It had to be a dream. Things like that don't happen in real life."

He finished his cereal under the watchful eye of his mother. He carried the bowl over to the sink and rinsed it out. Returning to the table, he glanced at the clock. Thinking that if it wasn't a dream that he might as well find out about that gift of magic business. The dwarves had told him to be back at noon and to bring some silver.

He returned to his bedroom and pulled out his rather substantial coin collection. Glancing at the clock, he realized that he didn't have much time. He started pulling the quarters and dimes from the cardboard holders. When there were too many to hold, he grabbed a sock and put the coins in it. He stopped when the sock was about half full and said, "They didn't say how much silver to bring."

He hefted the sock and decided that it had enough silver in it. He glanced at the clock and realized that he would have to leave now if he were to get there before noon. He headed over towards the backdoor and put on a pair of flip-flops.

As he raced out the door, his mother asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to trade some silver for a gift of magic," Sean answered after the door closed behind him.



-------

Chapter 2


Sean ran down the path cursing his choice of flip-flops. They weren't exactly the best footwear for running around in the woods. He looked down at his feet thinking that he was going to have to start waiting a little longer after waking before leaving the house. He reached the location where the altercation had taken place that morning and looked around. He said, "Now I find out if it was a dream or not."

The three dwarves stepped out of the woods. Surprised that they were actually there, he said, "You're here."

"I know. So are you," Chom said. He leaned over to Pip and asked, "What kind of a greeting was that?"

"I don't know," Pip answered.

"Given that he doesn't even know how to give a proper hello I'd have to say that he's not too bright," Chom said.

"I tend to agree," Pip said. He sniffed the air and said, "At least he brought silver."

Sean held out the sock and said, "This is all of the silver that I was able to gather in time to be here at noon."

"Idiot doesn't know about daylight savings time," Chom said.

"Give him a break. Noon is noon according to whatever clock people are using," Clea said.

"Are you sure?" Chom asked looking over at Clea.

"There's no rule about it, so we can just accept the local time," Clea said.

Not quite sure that he believed that, Pip asked, "There isn't a rule?"

"Nope."

Surprised, Chom said, "There should be."

"Can you come up with two other rules about time?" Clea asked.

Chom and Pip looked at each other with blank expressions on their faces and shrugged their shoulders. Finally, Pip answered, "No, but it just seems to me that noon is a time of day and not a time on the clock."

"These humans with their mechanical clocks and daylight savings time really know how to bugger things up," Chom said disgusted.

"What has daylight savings time got to do with anything?" Sean asked confused by the discussion.

"It is only eleven by our time," Chom said.

"Oh," Sean said thinking that no one had mentioned anything about daylight savings time to him. He asked, "So are we supposed to wait around for an hour?"

"No. It is close enough," Clea said. She looked over at Pip and added, "Pip isn't looking too good."

"I guess the sooner the deal is made, the better," Chom said realizing that Pip was still on the verge of fading away.

Pip poured the coins out the sock and picked through them. Looking up at Sean, he said, "Most of these don't have any silver in them."

"They are dimes and quarters. Everyone knows they are made of silver," Sean said confused.

"Told you he was an idiot," Chom said.

Pip said, "Everyone knows that they stopped making dimes and quarters out of silver forty years ago."

"They did?" Sean asked. He scratched his head trying to remember if he had known that. Fortunately for him, he hadn't even looked at the dates on the cardboard coin holders when he had grabbed them. If he had, he wouldn't have brought any of the older coins with him.

Nodding his head in the affirmative, Pip picked through the coins to gather the ones with silver. There were a few of the older coins. Once Pip was satisfied that he had all of the silver, he squeezed his hand into a fist. A small trickle of copper ran out between his fingers and dropped onto the ground. He opened his hand and looked at the small bit of pure silver there. Shaking his head, he said, "There's not much silver here."

Clea asked, "Is there enough?"

"Yes," Pip answered. He looked around for a small stone. He found one and picked it up. He held the stone in one hand and the lump of silver in the other. He made as if he was a scale comparing the weight of the stone against the lump of silver.

Sean asked, "What are you doing?"

"Making sure it is a fair trade," Pip said. He quickly rubbed a thumb across the stone and dust floated off from between his thumb and the stone. He stopped and juggled the two hands. He said, "That ought to do it."

"You're sure," Chom asked.

Holding out the rock to Sean, Pip answered, "I'm sure."

"You're giving me a rock in exchange for the silver?" Sean asked.

"No, you idiot," Pip said. He dropped the rock in Sean's hand and said, "This weighs the same as the amount of silver you gave me."

"That's not much," Sean said. It was just over two ounces since the silver had come from seven quarters and ten dimes.

"No kidding," Pip said, but the rules were the rules and they had to abide by them.

Clea said, "Give him a break. He's a kid. Where is he supposed to get a bunch of silver from?"

"Good point," Chom said.

"What am I supposed to do with this rock?" Sean asked looking at the stone. It was really more of a pebble than a rock.

Pip said, "Now throw the rock as far as you can down the path."

"You just gave this to me and you already want me to throw it away," Sean said looking at Pip while thinking it was kind of a stupid thing to do.

"That's right," Clea said, "Throw it as far as you can."

Sean leaned back and threw the stone as far as he could. He asked, "How's that?"

Chom made a big production out of estimating the distance the rock had gone. After a long low hum, he said, "Not bad for a girl."

"I agree, that was pretty good for a girl," Pip said enthusiastically.

"I'm not a girl," Sean said and then realized that he had just been insulted.

Chom and Pip chuckled while Clea rolled her eyes. Chom said, "That's the point."

"I'm glad you're amused," Sean said wondering when he was going to get that magic gift they were talking about.

"Let's pace the distance to where it landed," Pip said.

Sean counted out the steps as he walked to the stone. Upon reaching it, he announced, "Forty three steps."

"Not bad," Clea said. Too much more weight and he wouldn't have been able to throw it that far. Less weight and it probably wouldn't have gone that far.

Pip picked up the rock and handed it to Sean. When it touched his palm, it felt like a bolt of electricity shot up his arm. Surprised, Sean asked, "What was that?"

Pip answered, "That was the gift of magic. You can now command any object that weighs up to the weight of that stone from any distance within forty three steps of where you are standing at the time."

"Huh?" Sean asked.

Clea said, "Tell the rock to float."

Sean looked at the three dwarves and, feeling a little foolish, looked back at the rock. He said, "Float."

The rock lifted out of his hand and drifted on the breeze. Staring at the rock, he said, "That's amazing."

"That's magic," Chom said. He looked over at Pip and noticed that he was already looking a lot more substantial. He asked, "How are you feeling?"

"I feel a whole lot better," Pip said. At least one person believed in magic and that was enough to keep him from fading.

Sean grabbed the rock from where it was floating in mid-air. He asked, "What else can I do?"

"That's it," Pip answered.

"I can only make this rock float?"

Chom looked disgusted. He said, "I swear that humans are getting dumber every generation. Ten thousand years ago, they might not have had very good vocabularies, but they were a lot smarter. They only had to be showed once how to use a stick as a weapon."

"I'm smarter than a caveman."

"That's what you think," Chom said nudging Pip in the side with an elbow.

Pip said, "I told you. You can command any object that weighs up to the weight of that stone from a distance within forty three paces of where you are standing."

Sean frowned and looked around. He pointed to a leaf a dozen steps away and asked, "I can make that leaf move just by telling it to move?"

"Try it," Clea said.

Sean looked at the leaf and said, "Walk across the path."

Much to his surprise, the leaf walked across the path. He looked at Pip and said, "It really works."

"Of course it does. It is magic," Pip said feeling a whole lot better.

Clea said, "Come back here this day a year from now with gold. You will get another gift of magic."

"Cool," Sean said wondering where he would get some gold.

Chom said, "Go and use your gift of magic."

"Doing what?" Sean asked.

Pip said, "It doesn't matter. The more you use magic, the stronger the magic in the rest of the world gets."

"Is that a good thing?" Sean asked.

"Yes, that is a good thing," Pip answered.

"Okay," Sean said looking down at the rock. He looked up and the three dwarves were gone. He said, "I meant to apologize to her about that request this morning. It wasn't a very polite thing to do."

From deep in the woods, he heard Clea say, "Apology accepted."

Sean looked down at the dimes and quarters scattered where Pip had dumped them. In a way he was kind of glad that he hadn't lost his entire collection of dimes and quarters. It had taken him years to collect those coins. He knew that it wasn't really worth much money, but it did represent a minor accomplishment.

He ordered the sock to come to his hand. It rose from the ground and flew to his outstretched hand. He ordered all of the coins to enter the sock, but nothing happened. He realized that he had to order each individual coin. He looked at each coin and ordered it into the sock. He was grinning like a lunatic as the coins made their way to the sock. He said, "I'm not going to have to pick up anything from now on."

Holding the sock closed, he made his way along the path. He made leaves dance out of his way as he walked. Little sticks crawled out of his way. He didn't think about how the sticks crawled, just that they moved out of the way. Having fun playing with his powers, he took his time returning to the house.

His pleasure was somewhat dampened when he discovered his mother waiting for him at the head of the path. She had her arms crossed and was looking at him with an expression on her face that let him know that he was in trouble. It wasn't just trouble, it was trouble spelled with a capital 'T'. In a very irritated voice, she said, "There you are."

"What's the matter?" Sean asked.

"You just ran off without telling me where you were going," his mother answered.

"Sorry," Sean said realizing that he had just kind of run off without saying anything to his mother. He wondered if he was allowed to talk about the gift of magic.

"Until I get to the bottom of what happened this morning, you're grounded," his mother said. She knew that there was more than a little bad blood between Sean and Max. She was concerned about the confused story that he had told that morning. He was still acting a little odd.

Sean thought about it for a moment and said, "I think a more suitable punishment would be to require me to sleep late every morning for the rest of the summer."

His mother tapped him lightly on the back of the head and said, "In your dreams, buddy-boy."

"Hey, it was worth a try," Sean said rubbing the back of his head. He figured that by the time he moved away from home that he'd have a permanent callous on the back of his head. He idly wondered if that was the reason so many men had bald spots on the back of their heads.

"It is lunch time now. After lunch, you're going to mow the lawn," his mother said trying to think of something to keep him occupied.

"I just ate breakfast," Sean said looking at his mother.

"Well, it is lunchtime now," she said.

Sean frowned and asked, "How am I supposed to eat lunch when I just finished eating breakfast?"

"That's what you get for sleeping all morning," his mother said.

"That doesn't make sense."

His mother said, "It makes plenty of sense. You're the one who has lost his senses."

"It still doesn't make any sense," Sean said.

Noticing that he was carrying a sock, she asked, "What are you doing carrying a sock around?"

"I put my money in it," Sean answered. He held up the sock and shook it so that she could hear the coins.

"Why put it in a sock?" she asked wondering if he used that to hit Max earlier that morning. She didn't remember seeing him leave the house with a sock filled with coins that morning.

"My sweat pants don't have a pocket," Sean answered.

Sean followed his mother to the house tossing the rock in the air and then catching it. She looked at him and asked, "What are you doing with that rock?"

"I like it. It is special," Sean said.

She wondered if Sean had picked it up in case he came across Max. She didn't want to get a call from Cynthia Baxter with the news that Sean had put her son's eye out with a rock. She said, "You got that to throw at Max, didn't you?"

"No," Sean said. The thought had never crossed his mind although now that it had come up, it seemed to be a pretty good idea.

"So what's so special about it?"

He said, "It is magic."

"I swear that you're getting stranger by the minute," his mother said shaking her head.

"I'm just as strange now as I was a minute ago," Sean protested and then realized how stupid that sounded.

"That's not saying much," she said.

"I didn't mean it that way," Sean said.

"You might not say what you mean, but you mean what you say," his mother said with a smile.

"Huh?" Sean said trying to figure out what she meant.

Like Mother Hubbard, his mother went over to the cupboard and, like always, it was bare. She said, "Go to the store and get a can of soup."

"I need some money," Sean said.

"It is on the counter," his mother said.

He picked up the bill and headed towards the door. Before leaving, he stopped and asked, "What kind of soup?"

"Oh, get anything. If it isn't the right kind, I'll just send you back for a different one," his mother said with a smile.

"Great," Sean said knowing that she would do exactly that.

"Leave your sock here," his mother said.

Sean dropped his sock on the counter and then made his way to the store. He picked out a can of chicken noodle soup and went to stand in line. Quite a few people snickered when they saw him. He looked down at himself and realized that he was still dressed in his sweat pants, winter shirt, and flip-flops. Despite the fact that it was after noon, he said, "I hate mornings."

One of the girls from the neighborhood entered the store and broke out in laughter on seeing him. Going over to him, she hit him on the arm and said, "You're such a dork."

From any other girl he would have been embarrassed or angry, but he'd grown up with Suzie and they were friends. He looked over at her and took in her outfit. She was wearing cutoff shorts, a t-shirt, and sandals. The movement of her t-shirt bore silent testimony that she wasn't wearing a bra. Her legs went all of the way to the floor. Swallowing heavily, he said, "Hello, Suzie."

"Sean, Sean, Sean. You're never going to get rid of your reputation for being the weirdest kid in town if you walk around dressed like that," Suzie said shaking her head.

"It's been a rough morning," Sean said trying not to look at her. An erection now would be a disaster.

"I heard that you beat up Max," Suzie said. She hadn't believed the story until her mother had mentioned running into Mrs. Baxter at the pharmacy.

"I guess," Sean said staring at the back of the head of the person in line in front of him. He didn't trust his body enough to look at her.

"You guess?" Suzie asked surprised by his answer. Sean beating up Max was so unlikely that most guys would have been boasting about it.

"It was an accident," Sean said noticing that the clerk had finished with the person in front of him. He put his single can of soup on the counter.

"An accident?" Suzie asked.

"Yes," Sean answered.

The clerk said, "I expected you to drag in here three hours ago. When you didn't show up, I was beginning to think that it was my lucky day."

"We both know that you were disappointed. Everyone knows that you're hot for my body," Sean said.

Suzie rolled her eyes. This was typical Sean behavior. She said, "Don't argue with Sam."

"Is that his name?" Sean asked surprised that Suzie knew that.

"Yes, it is," Suzie answered.

"How do you know that? I've been coming in here every day since he started working here and never knew his name," Sean said looking at her face. It was an effort to keep his eyes from drifting down.

"I hate you," Sam said shaking his head.

"It is on his name tag," Suzie said pointing at Sam's chest.

Sean looked at Sam and saw the name tag with 'Sam' written across it in large letters. Surprised, he said, "I never noticed that before."

"You've been coming in here a dozen times a day all summer and you never noticed that?" Sam asked shocked that Sean had thought so little of him that he hadn't even bothered to learn his name. He hated summer jobs; particularly summer jobs where he had to put up with abuse and wise cracks from high school kids.

"I've been too busy defending myself from your insults to notice your name tag," Sean said.

One of the customers said, "Pay for your damned can of soup. I don't have all day."

"I can't help it that this guy is slow. He hasn't even rung up my purchase yet," Sean replied turning to face the line behind him.

Looking at the line, Sam was convinced that it was only going to get worse. He rang up the purchase and looked at the line of people fearing for the worst. He didn't see the bill in Sean's hand and figured he was going to get paid in change. Cringing, he said, "That will be seventy four cents."

"Here you go," Sean said putting the dollar bill on the counter.

Suzie noticed Sam cringe and asked, "Why is he cringing?"

"I think he's afraid of my money although I have no idea why that is," Sean said smiling at Sam. He ignored Sam's return glare.

"You know why," the clerk muttered looking at the line that had formed behind Sean. He really hated Sean. He was convinced that Sean purposefully went out of his way to make his life miserable.

Hearing the people in line start to grumble about the delay, Suzie said, "Sean, I swear that you bring out the worst in people."

"I don't know why," Sean said collecting his change and the can of soup. He pointed to his face and said, "I have dimples when I smile."

Suzie shook her head and said, "It is a miracle to me that we've remained friends all of these years."

"It must be my great fashion sense," Sean said stepping out of the way of the next customer in line.

Suzie burst out laughing and said, "You're too funny."

"I guess I better head back to the house. Lily is probably hungry and Mom is waiting for her can of soup," Sean said staring down at the floor to avoid looking at her.

"I'll see you later," Suzie said wondering why Sean very seldom looked at her when he was talking to her.

"Just hang around here for an hour or two. I'll be back," Sean said giving a wave as he turned to leave.

Suzie watched Sean walk off. She knew all about how his mother sent him to the store to get one item at a time. Her mother said that it was how his mother kept him from being a pain in the ass and lounging around the house all day. Of course, that only added to his reputation as the oddest boy in town. Her mother liked Sean well enough, but never let the two of them be alone.

Sean walked home through the woods congratulating himself on not reacting to Suzie in his normal manner. An erection while wearing the sweatpants would have been immediately obvious to everyone in the store including Suzie.

Arriving at home, he threw the change in the change jar and handed the can of soup to his mother. He asked, "Is that okay?"

"It is fine," his mother said, "While I'm cooking lunch, I want you to entertain your sister."

"Entertain?" Sean asked, "Don't you mean watch cartoons with her?"

His mother said, "You used to like those cartoons when you were her age."

"Come on, Mom. That's torture," Sean said. The idea of watching cartoon characters all day long made him wonder if he'd end up talking with a cartoon voice.

"You'll watch cartoons with her while I'm preparing lunch," his mother said.

"Yabi Dabi Dobi Dum, I smell the blood of a lazy bum," Sean said in the best cartoon voice he could muster. He couldn't do the voice of the duck or the mouse. The best he could do was the caveman.

"That's the spirit," his mother said. As he left the room, she said, "Don't let a one ton weight fall on you."

Shaking his head, Sean went into the living room. A one ton weight falling on him would be consistent with the rest of his day. It wasn't every day that a person defeated a major enemy, encountered three dwarves, got a magic gift, and got to talk to the prettiest girl in the school. He looked down at the rock in his hand and wondered how long he had been carrying it around. So far it had been a strange day and it wasn't even half over.



-------

Chapter 3


Lily was stretched out on the floor supporting her chin with her hands and watching a carton. Hearing him enter the room she turned to look at him. Smiling, she asked, "Are you going to watch cartoons with me?"

"Yes," Sean said taking a seat on the couch.

Lily got off the floor and jumped on the couch. She pointed to the television and said, "You'll love this. The cat is going try to hit the mouse with that frying pan."

"Really?" Sean asked knowing that he was going to get a running commentary of every action a minute before it happened.

"That's right. The mouse is going move the cat's tail to where the frying pan is going to hit," Lily said.

"That's going to be so funny," Sean said smiling at his little sister. Other kids might complain about their younger siblings, but he enjoyed his little sister. He didn't necessarily enjoy the cartoons, but the time spent with his sister was always fun.

"It is so much fun watching television with you," Lily said looking up at her big brother. She adored her big brother. He was the greatest big brother that any girl could want except for in the morning. Then he was just a big grump.

"It is fun watching television with you, Lily," Sean said rubbing her on the head.

Looking in the direction of the kitchen, Lily asked, "Is Mommy upset with you?"

"Yes, she is," Sean said.

"Why?" Lily asked, "Did you put too much toilet paper in the toilet?"

"No," Sean said.

"Mommy got so upset with me when I did that," Lily said. She had been paddled on the bottom and sent to her room.

"I remember," Sean said recalling when Lily had done that last year. The water had flooded the whole floor. It had been made worse when Lily kept flushing the toilet thinking that it would make the water go down.

"So what did you do?" Lily asked.

"I may have gotten into a fight with Max," Sean said. He looked down at the rock in his hand and ordered it to spin once. When it did, he had to admit that the events that morning had probably happened just as he remembered them.

"I hope that you beat him up real good," Lily said, but she didn't think that was possible. Max was a really big man and she had seen Max hurting her brother in the past.

"Fighting is never good. According to Mom, he's in pretty sad shape," Sean said. He wondered how Max was feeling and wondered if he should go over there to find out. Almost as soon as the thought came to him, he dismissed it.

"He scares me sometimes," Lily said with a shiver. She was afraid that Max was going to hurt her big brother sometime.

"Tell me if he ever touches you, okay?" Sean said getting serious.

Lily said, "He's big and mean."

"Don't worry, I'll protect you from him," Sean said. He remembered why he had charged at Max that morning. Just the idea of Max doing something like that to any girl had made his blood boil. He was pretty sure that he'd kill Max if the guy ever touched his sister. He looked at the rock in his hand and thought about what he could do now.

Lily looked at the television and said, "The mouse is going to paint the cat's tail so that it looks like a mouse. The cat is going to eat itself."

Sean hugged his sister and said, "That will be funny."

Their mother stuck her head in the room and said, "Rub a dub dub, time to eat the grub."

"Scarf scarf scarf, barf barf barf," Sean replied.

Lily giggled and said, "That was a good one."

"In the kitchen, kids," their mother said.

Rising from the couch, Sean went over to the video player and turned it off. He said, "Let's get to it."

"Okay," Lily said getting off the couch.

Walking to the kitchen with his sister, Sean asked, "What do you think we're having for lunch?"

"Soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and milk," Lilly said skipping happily at the idea of having her favorite lunch.

"You're probably right," Sean said. Just because his mother had sent him to the store for soup didn't mean they were going to actually have soup. When they entered the kitchen, he saw that she had been right.

Taking a seat at the table, Sean reached for his soup spoon. It met his hand about halfway surprising him. He hadn't consciously called the spoon to his hand. He looked around the table, but no one had noticed the unusual behavior of his silverware. He hunkered over the soup eating it.

He ate his lunch wondering if he was supposed to keep his magic abilities a secret. He thought about secret government agencies coming in the middle of the night to carry him away. With his active imagination he could see organized crime families wanting to exploit his abilities in pursuing their criminal activities. Images of witches getting burned at the stake came to mind. By the time he had finished his lunch he was halfway convinced that rather than being gifted he had been cursed.

Watching him sit back in his seat upon finishing his sandwich, his mother was worried about him. It seemed that he was just a little out of it the whole day. Normally he made smart-ass comments about everything. She wondered just much the fight that morning had affected him. Trying to get him to talk about it, she said, "You're quiet today."

"I guess," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

"Tell me about what happened this morning," his mother said.

"I told you about the dream I had," Sean said deciding that sticking to his original story about the events was the best policy.

"Do you really believe it was a dream?" his mother asked.

"I guess," Sean answered thinking that she would never believe the truth. He had experienced it and still didn't quite believe it.

Giving up, she said, "Go and mow the lawn."

"Yes, Mom," Sean said rising from the table.

She looked at his clothes and asked, "Aren't you going to change into something a little more suitable?"

Sean looked down at his clothes. Looking embarrassed, he said, "I keep forgetting about that."

"You're a strange boy," his mother said watching him leave the kitchen. Sweat pants, plaid shirt, and flip-flops. She wasn't sure what kind of fashion statement that was, but it was definitely not normal.

Lily said, "I don't think he's strange."

"That's because you are used to him."

"Oh," Lily said.

"After he's done mowing the lawn, you can play in the backyard."

"I'd rather watch cartoons," Lily said with a frown.

"I'd rather be a fashion model in Paris vacationing in San Tropez, but I'm not," her mother said mispronouncing Tropez. She pronounced the z because she liked mispronouncing foreign words.

"Huh?" Lily said. She didn't understand half of the things her mother told her.

"Never mind," her mother said. Pointing towards the bedroom, she said, "Get into some clothes appropriate for playing outside."

"Yes, Mom," Lily said. She stopped and asked, "Where is Sand Troops?"

"What?" her mother asked.

"You said you wanted to vacation in Sand Troops."

"It is somewhere in France," her mother said, "Now change your clothes."

"I'd rather be in Sand Troops," Lily said heading off to her bedroom.

"Put on a bathing suit and we'll pretend to be in San Tropez," her mother said.

"How can I pretend to be in Sand Troops when I don't know where it is?" Lily asked.

"Just put on your swimsuit and I'll explain it," her mother said. She muttered, "Kids these days just don't know how to play anymore."

Sean changed into a pair of blue jeans and a clean t-shirt. It appeared that his mother had refilled his drawer with clean shirts. He dug out a pair of socks and put on his shoes. Now he was dressed like a normal teenager.

Sean went out and mowed the lawn. One of the problems with living in the country was that the lawn was very large. Fortunately, he had a riding lawnmower, but it still took almost an hour to do the whole yard. While he steered the mower around the yard, he discovered some limitations to his magic ability. He couldn't move large sticks that weighed more than a couple ounces. It was actually pretty useless when it came to mowing.

After putting up the mower, he walked around to the backyard. His mother was stretched out on a lounge chair drinking a coke. She was wearing her bathing suit and dark sun glasses. His sister was similarly attired and occupied with a glass of coke as well. Stopping in front of them, he asked, "What's up?"

Lily answered, "We're fashion models vacationing in Sand Troops."

It took Sean a few seconds to figure out what she meant. He said, "You're lucky you aren't in San Tropez. They require women to sunbath topless."

"Mommy! Sean is a pervert," Lily shouted.

"You're right, Lily. There are a lot of perverts in Sand Troops," his mother said.

"What are you drinking?" Sean asked.

"Mind Ties," Lily answered.

"Mind Ties?" Sean asked trying to figure out that one. He gave up and said, "Don't drink too many of them. You'd hate to end up with your mind tied to some bad idea."

Lily looked at her mother and asked, "That won't happen, will it?"

"Look at your brother. His mind is tied to all kinds of bad ideas," her mother answered.

Lily looked at the soft drink and said, "I don't think I want to drink any more of these."

"Those are pretend Mind Ties," Sean said.

Worried, Lily looked at the soft drink and asked, "Really?"

"Really," Sean answered.

"Okay," Lily said.

Sean shook his head and wondered how she was going to survive to adulthood. He said, "I'll leave you to your sun bathing at Sand Troops while drinking pretend Mind Ties."

"Where do you think you are going?" his mother asked.

"I was going to go play in the woods," Sean answered.

His mother said, "Aren't you forgetting that you're grounded?"

"If I remember correctly, I have to sleep in late in the morning," Sean answered trying to look contrite and as if that was the most horrible punishment he could imagine.

"You remember incorrectly," his mother said.

"Really?"

His mother said, "We're out of soft drinks. Go to the store and get some."

"Okay," Sean said. It was normal for his mother to send him to the store a dozen or more times a day. He was convinced that it was a secret program to make sure that he got some exercise. He sighed and said, "I need some money."

"It's on the counter," his mother replied. She preened and whispered to Lily, "It is so hard to be one of the beautiful people. Everyone stares at you in envy."

"I know," Lily said acting like she was fanning herself.

"Oh brother," Sean said heading into the house. He stepped in the house and spotted the money on the counter. Holding his hand out, he commanded the money to come to him. It flew across the room and landed in his hand. Smiling, he said, "That could be useful."

He turned and headed towards the woods. He walked along until he got to the part of the path that split off to Max Baxter's house. He stood there remembering how many times Max had jumped out from that section of the path to rough him up. It wasn't that Max beat him bloody, although that happened on occasion. Usually, Max would stuff Sean's head under his armpit and scrub his head with his knuckles or give him wedgies.

Using his new magic powers, he gathered together a small pile of stones at the base of a tree. He noticed that using magic was getting easier with practice. Smiling at the result, he said, "Let's see Max bully me now."

He headed to the store. Once there, he headed over to the cooler to get a six pack of soft drinks. He picked up an extra one to drink on the walk back. Going over to the counter, he set the drinks down. The clerk looked at the drinks and said, "I take it you're here for a six pack."

"That's right."

"So you get seven," Sam said.

"One, two, three, three, four, five, six. That's six," Sean said.

The clerk rang up the sale and took the money. Handing the change back to Sean, he asked, "Do you want a bag?"

"Of course," Sean said.

The guy grabbed a plastic bag and put the drinks in it. He held up a second bag and said, "As many times as you come in here, I should insist that you wear one of these on your head so that I'm not bothered by your looks."

"Ha ha, very funny," Sean replied rolling his eyes.

"How many more times will I see your ugly face today?" Sam asked.

Sean looked at a pack of cigarettes and ordered it to hit the clerk on the head. When the pack didn't move, his first thought was that he'd lost the magic ability. It took him a second to realize that it weighed too much. He tried one item at a time until a three pack of condoms hit the clerk in the back of the head.

Rubbing the back of his head, the clerk bent down and picked up the package of condoms. Holding them up, he said, "I wonder how that happened."

Standing at the door, Sean said, "It was a message from God letting you know that your parents should have used those nine months before you were born."

"Your parents should have used them," the clerk said as he threw the box of condoms at Sean.

Sean caught the box of condoms and grinned. He held it up for the clerk to see. He said, "Thanks for the present. I shall cherish it forever as a reminder of your fond affections for me."

"Get out of here!"

"See ya' later," Sean said as he stepped out of the store.

After Sean left, the clerk said, "I can't believe I did that. I'm going to have to pay for them."

Pausing at where the trail entered the parking lot of the convenience store, Sean slipped the package of condoms in the bag with the soft drinks. He pulled out the extra soft drink and opened it. After taking a drink, he headed home. He played with the leaves along the trail as he walked.

Reaching home, he passed by his mother. She snapped her fingers to get his attention and said, "You can leave the soft drinks here."

Sean handed the bag to her and headed for the house. He had nearly reached the door when his mother screamed, "Sean Connery Michaels!"

He turned and looked at his mother puzzled by her shout. He asked, "What?"

"What are these?" she asked holding up a box.

Lily asked, "What are they?"

"Oh, God," Sean said staring at the box of condoms. He had completely forgotten about them being in the bag. He said, "They were a present from the clerk."

"And what would the clerk be doing giving you these?" his mother asked.

Sean grimaced and answered, "He suggested that you should have used them."

"What?" his mother asked getting out of her chair.

Not understanding what was going on, Lily stood up and put her hands on her hips just like her mother. In the same tone of voice, she asked, "What?"

His mother turned to Lily and, in a false sweet voice, said, "Lily. Why don't you go and watch some cartoons?"

"Okay," Lily said heading into the house.

"I'll go with her," Sean said looking for a good excuse to get out of the way.

"Stay where you are, Sean," his mother commanded.

It was the command voice and Sean found it impossible to disobey. He froze and looked back at his mother. He said, "I'm staying."

His mother waited for Lily to enter the house. Once she was in there, she said, "Now tell me about what happened at the store."

"The clerk doesn't like me," Sean said. Looking sheepish, he said, "We trade insults."

"You seem to provoke the worst in people," his mother said shaking her head.

Sean shrugged his shoulders and said, "What can I say? It is a natural talent."

"You have the worst natural talents of anyone I know," his mother said.

"I must have inherited them from someone," Sean said pointing at his mother.

"Maybe the clerk was right," she said. She threw the box of condoms at him.

Sean caught them and asked, "What am I supposed to do with these?"

"In the highly unlikely case that you should ever get laid, I suggest that you use them."

"Before or after getting laid?" Sean asked.

His mother laughed and said, "Get out of here, smart ass."

Sean went into his room and levitated the box of condoms into the drawer by his bed. He reached over and closed the drawer. Glancing down at the drawer, he said, "It just struck me that I should probably use them while getting laid. Hmm, I'm going to have to think about that."

"I've got to learn a bit more about this gift of magic," he said. He picked up the rock given to him by Pip. He said, "I guess I should start getting a feel for what I can move."

He sat down on the bed and looked around the room. Looking from item to item, he gave each a command to wiggle once. Some items surprised him when they responded. He had never realized how many things were made of plastic. His plastic comb moved, but not his wood hair brush. He said, "It is amazing that I never noticed how much individual items weigh."

He noticed the sock that he had taken to the woods earlier that day and decided that it was time to put the coins back in the cardboard holders. Thinking that the sock weight too much to move, he went over and picked it up. Taking it over to his desk, he dumped the coins out. As he reached for a coin, he ordered it to turn heads up. The coin flipped over so that it was head side up.

He went through the coins one at a time putting them in the cardboard holder. There weren't too many empty spots in the coin folders covering recent years. The coin collection folders that covered coins more than thirty years old still contained lots of empty spots. Occasionally he'd come across an old wheat penny or liberty dime and add it to his collection. He was always thrilled when he filled an empty spot in the cardboard coin folder.

Coin collecting had not been his first choice in hobbies. He had initially wanted to collect stamps. There had been one problem with that choice. It seemed like no one used stamps any more. He'd come across one or two stamps a month that he didn't have. It just wasn't the kind of hobby that filled hours of boredom.

He had switched over to coins when it dawned on him that everyone still used coins. In the first month, he had collected an impressive number of coins. Even when he didn't find many coins; going through the coin jar consumed hours of his time.

Coin collecting wasn't his only hobby. He had one other hobby; cruising the internet looking for porn. Of course, he couldn't talk about that hobby with anyone although he was convinced that it had replaced every other hobby in popularity world-wide. The only problem with that hobby was that he could only pursue it after everyone else went to bed. Of the two hobbies, coin collecting came in a distant second in terms of how much time it consumed.

He turned on his computer and looked up the value of the coins he had traded for his magic gift. They came to a little less than a hundred dollars. Thinking about it, he decided that he got a pretty good deal for his money. He chuckled at the idea.

Lily charged into his room and said, "Mom says that you have to go to the store to get some spaghetti noodles."

"Okay," Sean said getting up from his chair.

He followed his sister to the kitchen. When he got there, his mother said, "We need some spaghetti noodles."

"I need some money," Sean said.

"It is on the counter," she said.

Sean picked up the money and paused. He asked, "Do we need spaghetti sauce?"

"No."

"Are you sure?" he asked thinking that he might be able to get out of one trip.

"Positive," she answered.

Sean trudged to the store and bought a package of spaghetti noodles. He made his way back and dropped the change in the change jar. He spotted the bills on the counter and groaned. He handed the noodles to his mother and said, "Here are the noodles you wanted."

"Go get some spaghetti sauce," she said.

"You said that we didn't need any," Sean said.

"I was wrong," she answered with a smile.

He said, "I need some money."

"It is on the counter," she said.

Sean grabbed the money and walked out the back door. His mother went over to the pantry and looked in it. She said, "We're going to need some garlic salt for the garlic bread."

Lily said, "We're going to need some bread, too."

"We'll worry about that later," her mother answered with a chuckle.



-------

Chapter 4


Sean had a paper plane floating around the room doing acrobatics when his mother entered his bedroom carrying the change jar. She watched the plane flutter to the floor and shook her head. She asked, "Can't you find something better to do?"

"I'm grounded, remember?" Sean asked. He'd been forced to stay at home all week except for his excursions to the store.

"Well, Max is up and around now so I guess your grounding can come to an end," his mother said.

"Gee, I'm thrilled," Sean said thinking about what he'd find on his next trip to the store. Max was going to be out for blood. He said, "He's going to kill me."

"You boys used to play together when you were kids," his mother said.

"That was before his body started producing excessive quantities of testosterone and he got dumb," Sean said.

His mother handed the change jar to him with a groan and said, "It is allowance day."

"Thanks, Mom," Sean said taking the change jar from her. It was a gallon pickle jar that his dad had picked up from somewhere on his travels. When it was filled with coins it felt like it weighed a ton.

"I'll need the jar back," his mom said before closing the door.

"I know," Sean said to the empty room. He dumped some of the coins out on his desk. He started sorting the coins using the magic to have the coins flip over. As he checked the coins, he sent them to the jars at one edge of his desk. The pennies went into the penny jar, the nickels into the nickel jar, the dimes into the dime jar, and the quarters went into the quarter jar.

Using his magic gift, checking the coins went a lot faster than usual. He was amazed at how much time it used to take to turn over the coins. Having them flip to the right orientation was very convenient. In the whole jar of coins, he found one that he didn't already have. It was actually a pretty good day.

Once he was finished, he sat back and looked at the coin jars. They were all pretty full. He thought about counting them, but decided that it was a whole lot easier having the clerk at the store count them. He grabbed the penny jar. He reached inside and grabbed a handful of pennies. He stuffed his pockets until they looked like the cheeks of a chipmunk. Patting his pants, he said, "That ought to be enough for the next trip to the store."

It was the first trip after receiving his allowance despite the fact that it was his third trip of the day to the store and it wasn't even lunch time. Sean entered the store and went over to the shelves where the groceries were located. He picked up a can of soup and took it to the counter. The clerk asked, "Did it ever occur to you that it was possible to buy more than one thing at a time?"

"That would be too easy," Sean answered. He wasn't going to say that his mother sent him to the store over and over.

"You're a real pain in the ass," Sam said looking at the bulge in Sean's pants. He knew what that meant.

"Ring it up," Sean said.

The clerk scanned the can of soup and hit total on the cash register. Hating what he was about to say, he said, "Seventy four cents."

Sean reached into his pocket and pulled out a handful of pennies. He dropped them on the counter and asked, "How many is that?"

"Don't make me do this," the clerk said staring at the stack of pennies.

"They are legal tender," Sean said.

"You can have the can of soup," Sam said.

Shaking his head, Sean said, "It would be a crime for me not to pay."

"I hate you," Sam said starting to count out the pennies. He knew that this was only the beginning of three days of torture. For the next three days he would be getting paid for every purchase with a ton of change.

"You can't hate me," Sean said.

"Why not?" Sam asked looking over Sean.

Sean smiled and answered, "Because I have dimples when I smile."

"I need eighteen more cents," Sam said knowing that it was useless to argue.

"You might want to count that twice, just to make sure there isn't a mistake," Sean said. He was half tempted to make the pennies move around, but resisted the temptation. He reached into his pocket and took some more pennies out.

"Put the pennies on the counter and I'll count them out," Sam said.

Sean put the pennies on the counter. The clerk counted out eighteen cents and added it to the pile of pennies. Rolling his eyes, he pulled the pennies out of the pile by twos counting aloud, "Two, Four, Six, Eight, Ten..."

If Sean was of a slightly meaner character, he would have started calling out random numbers just to see if the clerk could stay focused. He wasn't, but that didn't prevent him from entertaining the idea. Of course, the clerk was expecting him to do that and Sean's silence was beginning to unnerve him.

The clerk stopped counting and looked up at Sean. He said, "I know what is going to happen. You're going to come in here twenty times a day and pay for individual purchases with a mountain of change. I am going to get a line of grumpy people wanting to pay for their coffees in the morning while I'm counting a mountain of change so that you can buy a stupid box of cereal or something. You know that the till won't hold all of the change."

"That's how it goes. I get my allowance in change," Sean said.

"That's stupid. No one gets their allowance in change," Sam said staring at Sean.

"I do," Sean said.

"Why?"

Grinning, Sean said, "That's how I want it."

Sam finished counting out the pennies and put them in the till. Knowing that he was going to be counting change for the next few days, he asked, "How much is your allowance?"

"I don't know," Sean said.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" Sam asked incredulously.

"If you got paid in change, would you want to count it?" Sean asked.

Sean left Sam stuttering at the counter. Stepping outside, he spotted Suzie walking up to the store. He said, "Hello Suzie."

Suzie looked at Sean and asked, "Allowance day?"

"How did you know?" Sean asked.

"You always walk around looking like you robbed the parking meter on allowance day," Suzie answered.

"Oh," Sean said.

"You know, you might want to change how you get your allowance," Suzie said.

"I like getting it in change," Sean said, "I collect coins. I convert my allowance to bills after I've checked all of the coins."

"How do you do that?" Suzie asked staring at his bulging pockets.

"I keep the bills Mom gives me for shopping and spend the coins," Sean answered.

"After you check the coins, why don't you take them to the bank across the street and get them changed into bills?" Suzie asked.

Sean looked blank trying to come up with a good answer to that question. He was having a little difficulty since the thought of doing that had never come to him before. Looking at him, Suzie burst out in laughter and said, "You never thought of doing that, have you?"

"Uh," Sean said, "No."

"No wonder Sam hates you," Suzie said laughing.

"I always thought that he didn't like my wry sense of humor," Sean said.

Suzie shook her head and said, "I don't know who is weirder, you or your mother."

"Mom is okay," Sean said.

"She sends you to the store a hundred times a day," Suzie said pointing out one of the more obvious ways in which his mother was a little different. She knew that she was exaggerating, but his frequent trips to the store were a common topic of conversation among the kids she knew. It was one of those things that gave him the reputation of being odd.

"She doesn't like shopping," Sean said.

Suzie said, "You don't think it is weird that a woman doesn't like to shop?"

"I never thought about it," Sean said.

Suzie grabbed his hand and said, "Come in the store with me while I get a drink. You can walk me home."

"Okay," Sean said looking down at his hand unable to believe that he was actually holding hands with Suzie. He was pretty sure that she had no idea what effect she had on him.

Suzie pulled him into the store. Although she could talk about his mother all day long, she had more pressing things to talk about it. She said, "I heard that Max is looking for you."

"He knows where to find me," Sean said shrugging his shoulders. Considering that he walked behind Max's house several times a day, it was almost a given where Max would find him.

"He's going to kill you," Suzie said in a concerned voice. She walked over to the cooler pulling Sean along by the hand. Much to his disappointment, she let go of his hand to get the drink out of the cooler. She picked out a diet drink and turned to face Sean. Concerned for his safety, she said, "Don't walk here alone."

"Don't worry about me," Sean said.

Afraid of what would happen when Max and Sean met on the path, Suzie said, "You know how Max is."

"I know," Sean said following her to the counter. He patted his pants and, hearing the rattle of hundreds of pennies, said, "Let me buy you that drink."

Upon hearing Sean's offer, Sam shouted, "No!"

Sean shook his head and said, "You'd think they would hire people who aren't afraid of money to work at the cash register."

"You're right," Suzie said with a smile.

"It's on the house," Sam said.

Dumping a handful of pennies on the counter, Sean said, "Don't make me look bad in front of the lady. I offered to buy her a drink and I don't need you to ruin the gesture."

Giving up, Sam counted out the change. At least there wasn't a line of people waiting. He knew that it was going to be bad the next morning when Sean showed up to buy cereal or something with three hundred pennies. He put the money in the register and said, "Don't come back."

"Service in this country is going downhill," Sean said ruefully.

Deciding that a graceful retreat would be better than a ten minute battle of words, Suzie grabbed Sean's hand and led him out of the store. Sean went along quite easily. Of course, Suzie could have told him to get down on all fours and bark like a dog and he would have happily done it. Outside, Suzie said, "Walk me home."

"Sure," Sean said enjoying holding hands with her.

They had walked a little way into the woods when Suzie asked, "Are you looking forward to being a senior?"

"I guess," Sean said unenthusiastically.

"You should be excited. We're going to be seniors," Suzie said wondering why he wasn't more excited.

Sean said, "I don't see how it is going to be any different than any other year in school."

"We're going to be the top dogs at school. We'll be the seniors. Freshmen will tremble when we walk past," Suzie said. She looked over at him and said, "Okay. That was a bit of an exaggeration."

"You're forgetting who you're talking to. Last year the freshmen stuffed me in the cafeteria trash can," Sean said.

"No they didn't," Suzie said with a laugh.

"Okay, but you know what I mean," Sean said.

Suzie was quiet for a moment and then said, "I know. You're just a little too eccentric for kids our age."

"Eccentric. I rather like the sound of that," Sean said.

"That's a highbrow way of saying batty," Suzie said nudging him with her hip.

"Batty. I rather like the sound of that," Sean said with a smile.

"You would," Suzie said with a sharp laugh. She slowed down at the junction of a path with the one they were on. She said, "We're at my house."

"I know," Sean said. The path ran behind all of the houses along their street. It ended behind the convenience store. All of the kids who lived along the street used the path to travel to the convenience store. The woods were part of a state nature preserve and were used by all of the kids for exploration, tree forts, and other activities.

Suzie turned to Sean and said, "Watch out for Max. You know how he is."

"I'll be careful," Sean said.

"Maybe you can come over for a swim later," Suzie said.

"I don't think your mother likes me," Sean said. He wasn't going to add that he didn't think he would survive seeing Suzie in a swimsuit.

"She likes you," Suzie said.

Sean looked at Suzie and asked, "What does she call me?"

"The Witless Wonder," Suzie answered with a grin.

"That's right," Sean said.

Suzie was convinced that it was her mother's way of keeping anything romantic from developing between them. She said, "She's just teasing."

"I'm sure that's it," Sean said wondering if Suzie really expected him to believe it.

Suzie said, "Come over around three, okay?"

"Okay," Sean said knowing that he was going to regret it.

Suzie ran down the path to her house leaving Sean staring at her retreating figure. He said, "If I jack off before getting there, that should get me through the first five minutes of seeing her in a bathing suit."

Sean continued down the trail taking extra care as he passed behind Max's house. Much to his relief, there was no sign of Max. He headed home wondering how he was going to survive the afternoon.

Sean entered the house through the back door. He handed his mother the can of soup and headed over to the counter where the dollar was lying. He picked it up and went to his bedroom. Opening the desk drawer, he placed the dollar bill in drawer with the rest of his money. The drawer was stuffed with dollar bills. He looked at the bills and said, "I wonder how much is in there."

He looked over at his coin jars and said, "Maybe I ought to take Suzie's advice and take my coins to the bank. It would be a lot easier on my pockets just to get cash for them."

Sean went out into the kitchen and scrounged around until he found two empty coffee cans. They were the modern plastic kind. He took them back to his room and filled them with coins. Holding one in each hand, he went downstairs and called out, "I'm going to the bank."

"Why?"

"Suzie told me that I could change the coins into bills at the bank," Sean answered.

"I wondered when you were going to figure that one out," his mother said.

"Thanks for telling me," Sean said.

His mother replied, "What are mothers for if not to help their children?"

"I hadn't thought about it like that," Sean said shaking his head. He added, "That is a question that will keep me up until the wee hours of the morning."

His mother was about to reply when something clicked in the back of her mind. She asked, "Did you say that Suzie told you that?"

"Yes. She also invited me to go swimming this afternoon," Sean said.

Wondering how Suzie's mother felt about that, she said, "Suzie must be looking forward to watching someone drown this afternoon. You should be quite entertaining when you go down for the third time."

"I've been practicing in the bathtub. I should manage to last four times before it gets exciting," Sean said.

"You better run to the bank," his mother said.

Sean turned to go and then stopped. Frowning, he asked, "Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"Why would I want to do that?" his mother asked trying to look surprised.

"So you can call Suzie's mother and warn her that I'm coming over," Sean said.

"You are so suspicious," his mother said trying to look innocent.

"Me? Not at all. What are mothers for if not to help their children?" Sean replied. He knew that he had scored with that one.

"Run along to the bank and turn your hard-earned coins into nice crisp bills," his mother said. She could hardly wait to get on the telephone.

"I'm going," Sean said.

The bank had a line waiting for the next available teller. Sean knew that it was the line for the next available teller since there was a sign saying exactly that. It wasn't a long line since there were just two people, but there was only one teller. Sean got into line thinking that the coins had somehow gotten heavier the further he had walked. He put the cans on the floor at his feet. The man in front of him asked, "Breaking into your piggy bank?"

"No. I'm cashing my allowance," Sean answered.

The person said, "Oh. You must be the Michaels boy."

"That's right," Sean said wondering how many people in this town knew that he was paid his allowance in coins.

The man looked down at the two coffee cans and said, "I heard you were weird."

"Some legends only grow with the telling," Sean said.

The man laughed and shook his head. He said, "Your mother must be a saint to put up with you."

"Not really. She just sends me to the store a lot," Sean said.

The man went up to the teller and did his banking business. Another person got in line behind Sean. He turned to look at the woman. She looked down at his feet and asked, "Did you break into your piggy bank?"

"No. I'm cashing my allowance," Sean answered.

The woman was silent for a second and then said, "You must be the Michaels boy."

"Score another one for having a reputation that extends far and wide," Sean said.

"My daughter says that you aren't quite all there," the woman said.

Sean patted his body frantically for a second and then said, "It seems to be all here. Are you sure that she wasn't talking about someone else?"

"Positive," the woman said.

"Who is your daughter?" Sean asked.

"Terry. Terry Jones," she answered.

Sean nodded his head and said, "If there is anyone who is all there, it is your daughter. She's got some of the best parts in the county."

"Thank you, I think," the woman said frowning.

"You're welcome, I think," Sean said turning to face the front of the line.

When it was his turn, he set the two coffee cans on the counter and said, "I'd like to change these coins into crisp new bills."

The woman behind the counter asked, "Do you have an account with us?"

"Yes, I do," Sean answered.

"Do you know your account number?"

Sean frowned and then shook his head. He answered, "No, I don't."

"I'll have to look up your account on the computer," the woman said.

"The name is Sean Connery Michaels."

The woman typed on the keyboard. It seemed to Sean that there was an awful lot of typing going on for such a simple task. The woman looked up and said, "Your savings account has $11.36 in it and has been inactive for almost seven years."

"Is that bad?" Sean asked.

"They will close it after seven years of inactivity and turn the money over to the state," the woman answered.

"That is bad," Sean said.

"You'll need some activity on the account to keep it open," she said.

Sean nodded his head thinking about it. Shaking a finger at the computer monitor, he said, "Bad naughty slothful savings account. I am so embarrassed by your laziness. How could you do this to me? The state is going to come and lock you up in some sort of savings account prison for loitering. Now get up and do something."

The woman laughed and said, "That's not what I meant."

"Is there some sort of exercise program for savings accounts in which I could enroll it?"

"You need to deposit some money in it," she said.

Sean exhaled loudly and said, "Let's count all of these coins and see how much I can deposit."

The woman picked up the two cans and started to walk away. Sean said, "Where are you going? Aren't you going to count it out here?"

"No. I'm taking it to the coin machine. It'll take a minute," the clerk said.

"Oh," Sean said.

After a few minutes the woman returned and said, "That was $33.27. How much of that do you want to deposit?"

"Twenty-seven cents," Sean answered.

"Twenty-seven cents?"

"Is that too much?" Sean answered.

"A little more would be better," the woman said.

Sean stood there for a second and then remembered all of the pennies in his pockets. He started pulling the pennies out and said, "We can deposit these."



-------

Chapter 5


Sean knocked on the back door of Suzie's house. Her mother answered the door and said, "Look at what the cat dragged in."

"What?" Sean asked looking around for a cat.

"The Witless Wonder."

Sean smiled and said, "Oh, I get it. Here I was thinking the cat dragged in something nice like a dead mouse or something. I can just imagine your disappointment at finding me camped upon your back door like yesterday's left-over meatloaf."

Suzie's mother smiled in spite of her better judgment. A lot of people found Sean abrasive, but having grown up with his mother she appreciated his humor. She asked, "How are you doing, Sean?"

"I'm fine, Mrs. Emery. How are you doing?" Sean asked.

"I'm fine."

"That's very good to hear, Mrs. Emery," Sean said doing his best to be polite.

"Suzie will be out in a minute. Why don't you wait by the pool for her?"

"Thank you, Mrs. Emery. I'll wait by the pool for Suzie," Sean said.

Under the watchful eyes of Mrs. Emery, Sean went over to the pool to wait for Suzie. It was an above ground pool that was four feet deep and fifteen feet in diameter. There was a small platform that ran around a third of the pool that was reached by climbing some stairs. He climbed the stairs and turned to watch the door.

Suzie's mother puttered around the patio sweeping it with a rather substantial broom. There was no way that she was going to go in the house and leave the two teenagers alone in the pool. It might not be that deep, but the four foot sides could hide a lot of hand action.

Suzie stepped out the back door and waved to Sean. His mouth dropped open on seeing her skimpy bathing suit. It looked like she had placed three band-aids in strategic locations. She had taken three steps towards him when her mother shouted, "Susanne Marie Emery, you get back in the house right this minute and change your swimming suit."

It was too late for Sean. He had stepped backwards into the pool. The shock of the cold water did wonders in preventing a rising problem. He came up sputtering. Mrs. Emery called out, "Are you okay, Sean?"

"I think so," Sean answered. He looked at around and saw that Suzie had already gone in the house. He said, "I hate to tell you this, Mrs. Emery, but your daughter is not a little girl anymore. You're going to have to keep the boys away from her."

"I'm trying, Sean," Mrs. Emery said chuckling.

"You better get a big stick," Sean said. He could just imagine how Max would react if he were to see Suzie in that bathing suit.

"Why do you think I'm holding this broom?"

"Oh," Sean said eyeing the broom for a second. "I don't think I'm helping my cause any."

"No you're not," she replied with a smile.

Smiling, he said, "I'm just trying to disarm your suspicions with my deceptively harmless chatter."

"You are just like your mother. She used to spout the same nonsense to my parents when we were about to get in trouble."

"Oh, you wound me to my core by comparing me to my mother," Sean said clasping his hands over his heart.

Mrs. Emery laughed and shook her head. She said, "Why don't you play in the deep end of the pool?"

"There's a deep end?" Sean asked.

Five minutes later, Suzie came out of the house wearing a conservative one piece bathing suit. Sean thought it was still sexy and wished that the water temperature was just a little colder. She jumped into the water and came up beside Sean. She said, "I can't believe that my mother sent me back in the house to change my swimming suit."

"I can. You are way too nice to wear a suit that revealing. With that body, you'd be giving old men heart attacks and driving young men to violence," Sean said.

"You think so?" Suzie asked. Her cheeks turned a light pink.

"Definitely," Sean said.

Taking a double handed grip on the broom, Mrs. Emery muttered, "That boy must have French kissed the Blarney Stone. I better call in reinforcements."

Feeling a little distracted by having Suzie standing so close to him, Sean looked around and noticed a plastic beach ball floating on the water. He commanded it to come to him. The ball slid across the surface of the water. He grabbed it and asked, "What do you say to a little beach ball action?"

Suzie looked at the ball with a puzzled expression on her face and said, "That was weird how the ball just came to you like that."

"Just a strange gust of wind or something," Sean said. He backed away and tossed the ball to her.

She batted the ball back to him. The sight of her launching out of the water with her hands held up distracted Sean to the point where the ball hit him square in the face. He commanded the ball to return to Suzie. She was too busy laughing to notice that the beach ball was barreling down on her. He commanded the ball to swerve at the last minute and it missed hitting her in the face.

The pair tossed the ball back and forth trying to keep it from hitting the water. Sean made minor corrections to the flight of the ball to keep it from leaving the pool. He was having as much fun moving the ball by magic as watching Suzie hit the ball. Of course, he did send it high on occasion so that he could watch her reach out of the water. Suzie had noticed the strange behavior of the ball but had no explanation for it.

After about ten minutes of playing she grabbed the ball and said, "All of this jumping around is tiring me out. What do you say we relax a bit and have something to drink?"

Not really trusting a certain part of his body to maintain a proper comportment, Sean was half tempted to say no. Instead, he found his mouth saying, "Sure. That sounds great."

He followed Suzie out of the pool. The sight of her perfect bottom climbing the stairs out of the pool just a foot or so from his eyes was almost too much for him. He had to stand there a few seconds to allow the swelling to go down.

They had just settled into some chairs when his mother and Lily appeared from the house wearing swimsuits. Sean looked around and didn't see Mrs. Emery anywhere. In a low voice, he muttered, "There is a plot afoot that is of a most diabolic nature."

His mother bent down to Lily and said, "Why don't you go talk to your brother while I find out what Mrs. Emery is doing?"

Lily looked over at her brother and said, "That would be great."

Sean leaned over to Suzie and said, "I told you that your mother hates me."

Looking at Sean's mother and little sister, Suzie knew that they hadn't appeared uninvited. She hadn't extended an invitation so that left one obvious person. She said, "You might be right."

Lily rushed over and asked, "Are you guys pretending to drink Mind Ties at Sand Troops?"

"That's right," Sean said with a smile.

"Huh?" Suzie asked.

Sean said, "Drinking Mind Ties at Sand Troops is the g-rated version of drinking Mai Tais at San Tropez."

"Ah," Suzie said. She asked, "What's the difference between Sand Troops and San Tropez?"

Lily answered, "At Sand Troops you don't have to remove your top."

"Oh," Suzie said turning red.

Lily leaned over to Suzie and, in a worried voice, said, "Don't drink any real Mind Ties. Your brain could get tied to a really bad idea."

"Really?" Suzie asked.

"Yes. Look at Sean. He's had a bunch of Mind Ties and his brain is tied to a lot of bad ideas," Lily said.

Suzie burst out laughing and asked, "Who told you that?"

"Mommy," Lily said, "but everyone else agrees."

Mrs. Emery came out of the house wearing a swimsuit. She asked, "What are you talking about?"

"We're talking about how Sean's brain is tied to a lot of bad ideas because he drank some Mind Ties and how lucky Suzie is that they are pretending to be at Sand Troops so that she won't have to take her top off," Lily answered. She had to pause to take a deep breath.

Mrs. Emery looked over at Sean's mother and said, "You're going to have to explain that one to me."

"I'll tell you in the pool."

"Okay," Mrs. Emery said.

Looking at Sean, his mother said, "If anything funny happens over here, I'm going to tell Lily that she can play wrap the mummy with you using duct tape. Do I make myself clear?"

"Was that mummy or mommy?" Sean asked.

"That was dummy," she answered pointing at him.

"I must have misheard," Sean said.

Sean watched Mrs. Emery, Lily, and his mother go over to the pool. He smiled while watching Lily put on her water wings and then jump in the pool. His mother had to scramble to get in the water with her. He said, "My little sister is a riot."

"I like her," Suzie said watching him. It was obvious that he cared for his sister a lot.

"She's a great little sister," Sean said.

"Your mom can be a little scary," Suzie said.

"Not really," Sean said. "The trick to dealing with her is to accept that she's right and you're wrong. If that is your starting position, negotiations for your surrender can progress rather smoothly."

"That's true of all mothers," Suzie said with a laugh. She was still a little embarrassed that her mother had sent her back in the house to change bathing suits.

"I guess," Sean said.

She waited until Sean was taking a drink from his coke and asked, "Wouldn't you rather pretend to be drinking Mai Tais at San Tropez?"

Sean choked on his drink. Once he recovered, he said, "I'm not sure that I could survive the excitement."

A dip in the pool followed after a while. Sean played with the beach ball with Suzie and Lily while the mothers sat on the patio discussing their respective children. Although Sean would never believe it, most of the comments about him were complimentary. It appeared that he was a much better child than his mother let him know.

The trip home was not along the path, but in his mother's car. As they drove past the Baxter place, Sean noticed Max hobbling around in his front yard. He said, "Max doesn't look good."

"You hurt him pretty bad," his mother said.

"It wasn't me," Sean said. He was about to talk about how the dwarfs had tossed Max into the woods and decided that wasn't the best idea. He added, "I was in bed asleep dreaming about dwarves."

"Right," his mother said shaking her head.

"Snow White lived with seven Dwarves," Lily said wanting to contribute a little interesting information to the conversation.

"That's right. She was a real hussy," Sean said.

Lily asked, "What's a hussy?"

Sean answered, "A woman who lives with seven Dwarves."

His mother said, "Don't tell your sister things like that."

"Hey, that's what you told me I was her age," Sean said.

His mother answered, "Of course I did. You are a bad ugly boy and she's a nice sweet little girl who should grow up all innocent of the harsh ugly realities that you're going to have to face."

"That makes sense to me," Sean said shaking his head. It seemed to him that women actually had to face a lot of ugly things that men would never see.

They pulled into the driveway of the house. Sean said, "Dad is home."

"Ah, the traveling salesman returns from visiting every hussy between here and California," his mother said.

"How many hussies are there between here and California?" Lily asked.

"Hundreds," her mother answered.

"That's a lot of dwarves," Lily said wide-eyed.

When they got in the house, Lily ran up to her father and hugged him. She said, "Mommy said that you were visiting every hussy between here and California."

"She did?" her father asked.

Lily nodded her head and said, "She did. Did you see the dwarves?"

"The Dwarves?" her father asked. He looked around and asked, "What dwarves?"

"The ones that live with the hussies," Lily answered.

Her father said, "Oh those dwarves. Yes, I saw them."

"That's good," Lily said.

He patted her on the back and said, "Run along and get out of your wet swimsuit."

"Okay, Daddy," Lily said before taking off for her bedroom.

Looking over at his wife, he asked, "Every hussy between here and California?"

"I may have exaggerated a little," Sean's mother replied with a grin.

"I take it the dwarves have something to do with Snow White."

"Yes and no," Sean's mother said, "Your son and three midgets got into a fight with Max Baxter and hurt him pretty bad."

"My son? Since when did he become my son?" his father asked.

"The moment he got into trouble," his mother answered.

"Has he been punished?" his father asked looking over at Sean.

"Severely. She is forcing me to sleep late every morning. I argued against it, but she insisted. She said that you would back up her decision in this matter, but I know better," Sean said shaking his head sadly.

"I think a better punishment would be to wake you a half an hour early every morning for the rest of the summer," his father said.

His mother said, "I concur except I already grounded him. He wasn't allowed out to play until Max was able to go outside."

Surprised, his father asked, "He was hurt that bad?"

"I only tripped into him. It was the dwarves that threw him into the woods," Sean answered.

"The dwarves threw him into the woods?" his father asked looking at Sean as if he had grown a tail.

His mother said, "Sean claims it all happened in a dream, but it didn't. He says that dwarves threw Max into the woods and Max says that it was midgets."

"I picked an interesting time to go to California," his father said.

Sean said, "So what is your verdict?"

"Guilty."

Sean frowned and said, "Okay. So what's the punishment?"

"According to your mother, you've already been punished. It is wrong to punish you twice for the same crime," his father said.

Sean pointed to his father while looking at his mother and said, "You can learn some things from him."

His mother's eyes narrowed. His father grimaced and then said, "Oh that was a mistake."

His mother walked over to the game drawer and pulled out a deck of cards. She bent the cards into a bow and let go. Cards flew all over the room. Smiling at him, she said, "Pick them up."

This was an old punishment that his mother would inflict upon him when he was a little kid. He wouldn't be able to do anything until all of the cards were picked up. Sean looked at all of the cards on the floor. She had really done a good job of spreading them around the room. He said, "Okay."

His father said, "Honey, that bathing suit looks great on you. How about I help you out of it?"

Sean watched them walk off to their bedroom. It took fifteen seconds to get all of the cards back in his hand. He didn't even have to move to get it done. He put the pack of cards back in the game drawer and headed to his room.

Back in his room, Sean launched the paper airplane and watched it circle around the room. He had it fly upside down for a little while and then had it do loops. He had it stop in place and hang in the air. He looked at the airplane and said, "That's fun, but I've got to be able to do more with this gift than just move things."

He made a fist and the plane crumpled into a ball. It landed in the trash can. Rising from his bed, he walked around the room trying to figure out what his gift would actually allow him to do. He stopped and picked up the stone. He sat there considering how little it weighed. There were a lot of things that he couldn't move. He shook his head thinking that magic, while great, wasn't of much real use.

Bored, Sean went over to his money drawer. He opened it and started pulling out ones. He had money in that drawer that had collected over the past seven years. He counted out a hundred dollars and put it in a stack. He counted out another hundred dollars and put it in a separate stack. He looked at the money still in the drawer and felt that he hadn't even made a dent in it.

A long time later, he put the last thirty bills in a separate pile. Sitting back, he looked at the stacks of bills scattered over his desk. Scratching his head, he said, "I wonder how that happened. That is almost five thousand dollars. I guess I'll be able to buy the gold for next year."

He started up his computer and tried to figure out what the interest would be on that money if he were to put it in his savings account. He was rather disappointed with the kind of return he would get. He looked at the stock market and saw that it was possible to make a lot of money. He played one of the simulations and lost a ton. Shaking his head, he said, "That's not for me."

Sitting back in his chair, he said, "It is a shame that I'm too young to go into a casino. I could move that little roulette ball onto any number I wanted. Thirty-five to one isn't bad. I could really clean up on that."

He realized that it had been a couple of hours since his mother had sent him to the store. Looking at the door, he wondered how much longer it would be before his mother sent him on another errand. Thoughts of his trips to the store reminded him of Suzie. Thoughts of Suzie settled on that short glimpse of her shockingly revealing swimsuit. He wondered who the lucky guy was that was the subject of her affections.

He sighed at the impossibility that it might be him. He took comfort in one thought. He said, "At least it won't be Max."

His sister came charging into his room and said, "Mommy says that we need some butter and that you are to go to the store."

"Okay," Sean said. He went downstairs and picked up the money that was on the counter. It wasn't dark yet, but it would be soon.

Sean walked down the path to the store. He was about at Max's house when Max stepped onto the path. Max said, "The midgets aren't here to protect you this time."

"Are you sure?" Sean asked with a smile.

"I'm positive," Max said.

Sean said, "Last time I talked to them it was about throwing stones."

Sean looked over at the little pile and ordered a rock to fly around to strike Max in the back of the calf. Max jumped so high that it looked like he was climbing a tree when the rock hit him. This was much more impressive than it might sound since he wasn't standing next to a tree. He sent a couple more rocks at Max from different directions giving Max the impression that he was surrounded by midgets.

Convinced that he was surrounded by midgets, Max shouted, "Don't throw me in the woods again!"

Sean decided that he couldn't take having this happen every time he went to the store. He said, "You might not want to come in the woods anymore."

Sean watched as Max headed down the path to his own yard. Sean shook his head and said, "I should be safe until school starts, then I'm dead meat."

Sean resumed his trip to the convenience store enjoying the approaching sunset. He entered the store and picked up a tub of margarine. His mother might have said butter, but he knew that she actually meant margarine. If he was wrong, she'd send him to the store again. Stepping up to the counter, he set the package down and looked at Sam. He said, "I'm back."

Sam said, "You're late. I was expecting you hours ago."

"I went swimming," Sean said.

Resigned to a life of counting pennies for the next few days, Sam rang up the sale and said, "That'll be 118 cents."

Sean put out the two dollars and said, "There you go."

Sam stared at the bills and asked, "What happened to all of the pennies?"

"I changed them at the bank for bills," Sean answered.

Sam opened the register and looked at the penny bin. Shaking his head, he said, "I'm nearly out of pennies."

"Why?" Sean asked.

Sam said, "Because I thought you were going to be buying things using pennies all day."

"Oh," Sean said.

Sam counted out the change and handed it to Sean. He said, "I take it you won't be coming in with massive quantities of change any longer?"

"That's right," Sean said.

"Good," Sam said thinking that was one headache that he wouldn't get. It would be nice not having to deal with tons of change the next morning.

Sean picked up the margarine and said, "See you in the morning Sam.

"Right," Sam said shaking his head. He wondered how he was going to last the rest of the day without pennies.



-------

Chapter 6


After doing stupid little tricks all week in his room, Sean decided that it was time to see what he could really do with his gift of magic. He hiked out into the woods thinking that it would probably be safer to try his next couple of experiments where there was nothing to break. He had already broken a glass that had been between him and an object that he called to his hand. He hadn't gotten into trouble over the incident, but it was a good reminder that he had to be careful.

Anyone who might have seen him enter the woods would have wondered what he was doing. He had a small board about six inches wide, twenty inches long, and an inch thick in one hand. He had a coke can in his other hand. A hammer was stuck in his belt. His left front pocket bulged with marbles and his right front pocket bulged with change. His right rear pocket was filled with nails.

When he was a good half hour into the woods, he stopped and looked around. There was nothing around except for trees. He said, "This looks like a good place."

His first experiment was to determine how easy it would be to use his gift to do something complicated. With his left hand, he held up the board to the trunk of a fairly large oak tree. With his right hand, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a couple of nails. The nails were the lightweight finishing nails that were within the limit of his ability to control.

Holding the nail in his right hand, he commanded it to penetrate the board. The nail penetrated the board unnervingly close to his hand. He said, "I had better be a little more careful. I'd hate to try and explain to Mom how I nailed my hand to a board."

It took a couple of attempts to figure out what he had to do to get the board nailed to the tree. He found the easiest way was to hold the nail next to the piece of wood where he wanted it to go in and then give it the command to penetrate into the tree. It took a good dozen nails before he was satisfied that the board was not going anywhere. He said, "That was fun."

He stepped back and examined his work. It wasn't too bad. He figured that he could always earn a living as a carpenter as long as he never had to use a nail heavier than his little stone. Giving a nice little tug on the board to make sure that it stayed up, he said, "On to phase two."

He pulled out the bag of marbles and walked twenty-five paces away from the board. He commanded the marble to hit the board like a bullet. The result was rather spectacular when the marble and the board exploded. He went over to the board and examined the damage. The marble had destroyed a good portion of the board. He whistled and said, "I could outdraw Billy The Kidder with that little trick."

He decided to see what would happen at fifty paces. He walked fifty steps away from the board and directed the marble to fly in the direction of the board at the speed of a bullet. Much to his surprise, the marble struck the board creating another explosion of glass and wood. Somewhat puzzled by the result, he said, "They told me I could only control things at a distance of forty- three steps."

He held out a marble and told it to stay in place. The marble floated in the air. He stepped back and watched what the marble did. He kept stepping back until he hit forty-four paces. Upon stepping out of range, the marble fell to the ground. Shaking his head, he said, "This doesn't make sense."

Sean spent a couple hours of the morning figuring out that once the object was more than forty-three paces away from him that the normal laws of physics held. If the object was moving, it continued to move but without his control. If the object was stationary, it then behaved like a normal object and fell if it wasn't supported. After fishing for a marble in his pocket and not finding one, he said, "As Mom would say, I've lost all my marbles."

After repeating the marble trick with some change, he discovered that the coins were less accurate than the marbles after forty-three paces. They tended to flutter and take off in unpredictable directions at the longer distances. More than half of them missed the target at sixty paces. However, they all struck the target within the forty-three pace range.

Satisfied with his discoveries, he decided it was time to head home and see if there were any trips to the store pending. The longer he stayed gone, the more trips he would have to make back to back. He looked at the coke can and ordered it to flatten. It turned into a huge flat sheet about the thickness of aluminum foil. After ordering it to fold itself into halves until it was small enough to fit in his pocket, he watched fascinated as it folded itself. He ordered the can in his back pocket and the sensation of it sliding in caused him to jump. It was kind of a weird feeling. As he bent down and picked up the hammer, he said, "That was kind of neat."

After making sure that he hadn't forgotten anything, he headed back towards the path. He came out near Suzie's house. He stood there looking down the path thinking about the afternoon spent swimming with her. Just the idea of seeing her in that bathing suit was enough to excite him. He debated about going to the backdoor and seeing if she was home, but decided that she wouldn't want to see him.

He turned to head home when Suzie asked, "Where are you going?"

Sean turned around surprised to see Suzie coming up the path from the convenience store. He said, "I was about to head home."

"I thought maybe you came by to see me," Suzie said.

"I thought about it," Sean said.

"And what did you decide?" Suzie asked.

"I decided that you probably had better things to do than waste your time with me," Sean answered. Two summers ago they had spent most of their free time together until he had noticed that she had turned into a pretty woman one afternoon. Her mother had picked up on the tension and hadn't helped the situation any. There were lots of comments about how it would be best if he didn't come over to visit Suzie when she wasn't at home. Her mother had watched every move that he made. All of a sudden, he had felt awkward around Suzie and stopped coming over so often.

Suzie shook her head and said, "Come on and have a coke with me."

"That might not be a good idea. Your mother doesn't like me," Sean said.

Suzie laughed at that. Sean was often a topic of conversation around the house and her mother always talked fondly of him; at least until the conversation came to having him stop by for a visit. She said, "She likes you well enough. She told me the other day that she's just afraid that if she feeds you that you'll move in like some sort of stray cat."

"In that case, I'll stay for supper," Sean said provoking a laugh from Suzie.

As they walked up to the backdoor, Mrs. Emery stepped out and said, "If it isn't the Witless Wonder."

"Hello, Mrs. Emery. It is a beautiful day isn't it?" Sean said.

"Yes, it is Sean. What brings you over here?" Mrs. Emery asked. One glance at Suzie and she knew the answer. Her daughter had been hanging around the path behind the house for the past couple of hours.

"Food," Sean said.

"Food?" Mrs. Emery asked not quite sure she understood his answer.

"Yes," Sean answered with a curt nod of his head.

"You're here to borrow a cup of sugar or something?" Mrs. Emery asked.

Suzie elbowed Sean as he said, "Suzie said that if you fed me that you would adopt me like I was a stray cat so I came here to eat."

"That's a novel idea, Sean," Mrs. Emery said shaking her head. She found it hard to keep from laughing.

"I thought so. I rather like the idea of living the lifestyle of a cat," Sean said.

"And what would that entail?" Mrs. Emery asked looking at him.

"You know, rubbing against people you like, sleeping wherever you want, and being a finicky eater," Sean answered.

Despite being shocked that Sean had actually said that to her mother, Suzie laughed and said, "It does sound like a nice lifestyle."

"Hearing it phrased like that, I'd have to agree with you Sean. It does sound like a nice lifestyle," Mrs. Emery said amused by his audaciousness.

"All I would have to do is purr on occasion," Sean said.

Smiling, Mrs. Emery said, "When I take in a stray cat, the first thing I do is take it to the vet for shots. Then I have it neutered. Are you still interested in staying for dinner?"

"Now that you mention it, my mother is serving fried liver tonight and I would hate to miss it," Sean answered smiling.

Suzie said, "You hate liver."

"It is better than the alternative," Sean said gesturing to her mother.

"Ah well, there's always next time. I'll make sure to talk to the vet about the charges for emergency services in case I adopt another stray cat," Mrs. Emery said.

"It is always good to be prepared, Mrs. Emery," Sean said.

Mrs. Emery said, "I was a girl scout once upon a time."

"They had them back then?" Suzie asked.

"Yes. I even got a merit badge for making a broom so that I could sweep out my parent's cave and chase out any stray saber toothed tigers that wandered in," Mrs. Emery said sweetly.

Sean said, "I get the feeling that being a cat in your house isn't all that pleasant of a prospect."

"Snip, snip. Tom cat turns into a pussy cat," Mrs. Emery said making a scissors gesture with her fingers.

"Yes, I must say that you definitely have a cat hostile household," Sean said.

"Let's get some cokes," Suzie said.

Sean followed Suzie into the house. She offered him a seat at the kitchen table. He started to sit down and remembered the hammer that he had stuck in his belt. He took out the hammer and set it on the place mat. Suzie returned to the table carrying a glass of soda and asked, "What's with the hammer?"

"I was out in the woods and thought I'd see if the old tree house was still there," Sean said frantically trying to come up with a believable explanation. He, Max, and Suzie had built it one summer with pieces of wood they had rummaged from around their respective houses. It was little more than a lopsided platform built across two branches with ladder steps leading up to it. Building it had taken a couple of days, but they had played in it most of the summer.

"Are you planning on running away from home?" Suzie asked.

"I thought it would make a nice little vacation retreat. You know, someplace to contemplate my existence between trips to the store," Sean answered.

Suzie smiled and said, "I haven't thought about that old tree house in years. How did it look?"

Even though Sean hadn't seen it that day, he had wandered across it last year when playing in the woods. He said, "There wasn't much left of it. The platform was gone. I guess the nails rusted and the wind blew the board away."

"We had a lot of fun that summer," Suzie said with a sigh. Those had been fun days when kids were kids and the whole world was new. She missed the sense of friendly togetherness and the adventures they had back in those times.

"Yes, we did," Sean said noticing that Mrs. Emery was poking her head in the kitchen to watch them every fifteen seconds or so. She was talking on the phone and he assumed that she was inviting his mother over.

Suzie said, "It would be nice if you came over more often. We could hang around, play some video games, swim in the pool, and do stuff."

"That would be nice," Sean said.

Mrs. Emery entered the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee. She sat down at the table and said, "There's more than one way to skin a cat."

Sean frowned and said, "I hate to say this, but you definitely have a thing against cats. You might want to visit a doctor and find out why."

"It comes from being raised around saber tooth tigers," Mrs. Emery said wryly.

"That would explain it," Sean said nodding his head and trying to look wise.

Mrs. Emery, knowing the answer to her question, asked, "What were you kids talking about?"

"Making some plans for the rest of the summer," Suzie said.

"Your daughter has found a most unique way of keeping her virtue," Sean answered.

Frowning at hearing Sean talking about Suzie's virtue, Mrs. Emery asked, "How?"

"What?" Suzie asked wondering how Sean was going to turn the discussion they had to something even resembling his comment.

"She has decided that being seen in my presence will give her the kind of reputation that will keep all of the guys away," Sean answered.

Suzie looked at him and asked, "Just how is that supposed to work?"

"What kind of reputation?" Mrs. Emery asked curious about where he was going with the topic.

"No one wants to go out with the crazy girl who hangs out with the weird guy," Sean answered.

"It is the weird guy I'm worried about," Mrs. Emery said.

Sean waved a hand dismissively and said, "Don't worry, Mrs. Emery. Weirdness isn't contagious."

"I'm not sure about that," Mrs. Emery said.

Sean shrugged off the comment and said, "You must admit that it is a most remarkable plan on her part."

"I'm not sure who is doing the planning," Mrs. Emery said.

Sean bowed to Suzie and said, "Weird guy at your service. I shall protect your virtue with my reputation as eccentric extraordinaire."

Suzie was giggling and said, "Sean is absolutely right. Hanging around with him will keep everyone else away."

Looking at the pair of kids, Mrs. Emery said, "That's what I'm worried about."

Sean said, "It could be worse, Mrs. Emery."

"How?"

"Give me a day or two and I'll come up with something," Sean answered.

Suzie giggled and asked, "Will you protect me when I wear my special bathing suit?"

"Uh," Sean said thinking that she would probably need protecting from him.

"I'll be doing all of the protecting around here," Mrs. Emery said in a rather stern voice.

Sean enjoyed drinking his coke and chatting with Suzie under the watchful eyes of her mother. He had been there about twenty minutes when the telephone rang. Mrs. Emery went over to answer it. A few minutes later she came back and said, "Your mother needs you to go to the store, Sean."

"I figured as much," Sean said. It had been close to three hours since his last trip. He frowned and then said, "I wonder how she knew that I was here."

"Run along. I'd hate for your mother to get upset with me for keeping you here," Mrs. Emery said making a shooing gesture towards the door.

Suzie gave him a weak smile and said, "Stop by tomorrow morning, okay?"

"Sure," Sean said.

Mrs. Emery said, "Suzie has an appointment in the morning. You can come by in the afternoon."

"Okay," Sean said noticing that Suzie was surprised by her mother's announcement of an appointment.

There was an awkward moment at the door when goodbyes were exchanged. Mrs. Emery did an excellent job of making her presence felt. As the door shut behind him, he could hear Suzie saying, "Mother!"

As he walked home from the visit, he said, "Mrs. Emery doesn't like me and I don't know what I did to make her feel that way. I guess I had better be more polite around her."

Upon reaching home, his mother said, "I want a piece of bubble gum."

"What?" Sean asked looking at his mother blankly.

His mother said, "I have a craving for a piece of bubble gum."

"Are you pregnant?" Sean asked wondering what had made his mother suddenly crave bubble gum.

"No, why would you ask that?" his mother asked surprised by his question.

"Strange cravings are usually a sign of pregnancy, aren't they?"

"Yes, but in this case the bubble gum is a form of birth control," his mother replied.

"Explain that one to me," Sean said crossing his arms and staring at her in disbelief.

She replied, "I'll explain it when you're old enough to understand."

"When will that be?" Sean asked.

She answered, "It won't be for at least eighteen years."

"Okay," Sean said shaking his head. He wasn't going to puzzle this one out any time soon.

"Take your sister with you and let her pick out a piece of candy, too," his mother said.

Usually his mother sent Lily along with him to the store when she wanted both kids out of the house. The normal scenario had his father waiting impatiently from the doorway of the kitchen. Sean looked around and said, "I didn't notice Dad's car at home."

"Get your sister and go," his mother said.

"I need some money," Sean said.

"It's on the counter," she replied.

Sean picked up the dollar bill and rounded up his sister. It took her ten minutes to change into clothes she thought would be an appropriate outfit for shopping. Sean didn't mind the wait since he was still trying to figure out how bubble gum could be used as birth control. Lily came out and said, "I'm ready."

Sean led his little sister out the back door. He took a slow pace since his little sister couldn't keep up with him. Trips to the store with her always took a lot longer than when he went alone. As they walked along, Lily said, "Mom always says that you will stay out of trouble for half an hour each time she sends you to the store. I wonder if she thinks I'm going to get in trouble unless I go to the store too."

"What?" Sean asked stopping on the path to stare at his sister.

Lily said, "You and Mom always say the same thing. You say, 'I need some money.' She says, 'It's on the counter.' You leave and she says, 'That will keep him out of trouble for half an hour.'"

"That's about what I figured," Sean said. To tell the truth, he wasn't sure what he'd be doing if he wasn't running to the store every hour or so. He'd probably spend all of his time with Suzie and he didn't think that would get him into too much trouble. He thought about her skimpy bathing suit and decided that spending too much time with Suzie could end up with the both of them getting into a lot of trouble. He burst out laughing and said, "I get it now."

"Get what?" Lily asked.

"Why Mom wants a piece of bubble gum," Sean answered.

"Oh. I like bubble gum," Lily said.

Rubbing her head, Sean said, "I know. Let's get to the store and see what flavors of bubble gum they have."

"Does Mom think I'm going to get into trouble?" Lily asked.

"No. I think she wants to make sure that I don't get into trouble," Sean said. He had a feeling that his mother was busy on the phone with Mrs. Emery hatching another evil plot to prevent him from spending too much time with Suzie.

"You must have been a very bad boy where you were little," Lily said.

"I was a monster," Sean said.

"What kind of monster?" Lily asked.

Sean reached over and tickled her. While she danced under his fingers, he growled, "I was a tickle monster."

"Oh, that's horrible," Lily said giggling while struggling to get out of his grasp. Sean relented before it got to be more than she could handle.

The pair walked to the store chatting about things that siblings talked about. When they reached the path leading to Suzie's house, Sean slowed down to see if she was out. Much to his disappointment, she wasn't waiting along the path. He wondered if she was busy doing something.

When they entered the store, Sam said, "You're late."

"I was busy," Sean said.

"I didn't think you did anything except walk to and from here," Sam said.

Sean said, "Quite the contrary. I have a very active life beyond walking to and from here. I spend hours every day contemplating my navel. It is a marvel of engineering. Did you know that it was perfectly designed for collecting lint?"

"No, I didn't know that," Sam said.

"It has been said that without navels that clothes dryers would break down more frequently due to the excessive amount of lint that would collect in them," Sean said.

Sam said, "I'll pass that along to the Maytug repairman. I'm sure that he'll be relieved to learn that the reason he's the loneliest guy in the world is because of navels."

"I'm sure that as a result of your efforts to make the Maytug repairmen feel better that we'll soon have large anti-navel protests popping up all over the country," Sean said.

Sam shook his head and asked, "How do I keep getting drawn into these weird conversations?"

Lily asked, "Is this the clerk that hates you?"

"Yes, Lily. This is the clerk that hates me," Sean answered.

"I don't think I like him," Lily said eying the clerk with suspicion.

Sam said, "I'm actually a very nice guy."

Patting her on the head, Sean said, "Go find a piece of candy."

Lily skipped over to the candy area of the store. Sean followed her and picked up a piece of bubble gum. He carried it over to the counter and waited for her to bring her selection over. He set it on the counter. Sam looked at the piece of bubblegum and asked, "Is that it?"

"She's going to get one, too," Sean said.

"You came here for two pieces of bubble gum?" Sam asked shaking his head.

"That is correct," Sean said. He grinned and added, "You should be glad that you don't sell M&N's by bulk. I'd be here a hundred times a day buying one at a time. I would only get red ones."

Sam said, "Somehow I believe you."

Lily came over to the counter and put her piece of gum down. She asked, "Aren't you getting one?"

"No. I'll come back and buy one later," Sean said.

"You would do that," Sam said ringing up the purchase. He said, "That'll be eleven cents."

Sean laid the dollar bill on the counter and said, "Here you go."

"You wouldn't happen to have change?" Sam asked looking at the coin bins in the register. He was getting low on quarters and dimes.

"No," Sean answered.

Sam reached over and pulled eleven cents out of the extra penny tray. Pushing the bill back, he said, "Here's your change."



-------

Chapter 7


"You heard me the first time. I don't stutter. I told you to clean the garage," his mother said.

Putting up his hands in protest, Sean said, "No human has entered that garage in ten years and returned. There are wild beasts that eat people dwelling in there."

"Stop exaggerating. Only one person got lost in there," his mother said.

Wide-eyed, Lily asked, "Who?"

"Your oldest brother," his mother said.

"I only have one brother," Lily said.

"That wasn't always the case," his mother said flippantly.

Seeing that Lily was getting scared, Sean said, "She's kidding."

"Are you sure?" Lily asked.

"Yes," Sean said, "I would remember if I had an older brother."

"Okay," Lily said giving her mother one of those looks.

"Get to work, young man," his mother said.

Lily looked over at Sean and said, "Be careful in there."

"I will," Sean answered striking a heroic pose. He added, "No mountain is too high, no valley is too low, no jungle too thick, no desert too dry, and no ocean too deep to keep this intrepid explorer from venturing into unexplored territory."

Lily clasped her hands together and looked up at him adoringly. In a pretty good imitation of a southern accent, she said, "My hero."

Sean laughed and headed out to the garage. He opened the door and then stepped back in shock. He had thought he was kidding when he described the state of the garage. It was obvious that the garage door had been left open a couple of inches last fall. The whole front half of the garage was buried in leaves.

Sticking out of the leaves were the tops of pieces of equipment that looked like they had been part of the Frankenstein laboratory. Considering that the company his father worked for was in the business of refurbishing used laboratory equipment, there was a very good chance of that being the case. Sean had no idea what any of the equipment did or why his father had them.

Tumbled amongst the equipment were boxes; the contents of which were a complete mystery. He could almost make out a workbench at the distant end of the basement. He figured it would be months before he could work his way far enough into the garage to see if there were any tools on the workbench.

Sizing up the job, he decided that he'd reach retirement age before finishing. Shaking his head, he said, "This is probably a better way of keeping me out of trouble than sending me to the store ten times a day."

He went back to the house and found his mother dusting the living room. He said, "I need some garbage bags."

"The money is on the counter," she answered.

Sean grabbed the money and headed to the store. He walked along the path moving little stones as he went. Other kids might kick stones along the way, but he moved them with magic. Little twigs and leaves were cleared to the side as well. He wondered if maybe he should be moving the rocks onto the path. He figured that as many times a day that he went to the store that the path would be completely covered with stones by the end of the summer.

He reached the path behind Max's house and noticed that it was starting to get over grown. He wondered if Max ever came in the woods any more. Just after passing Max's place, he heard a strangled cry from behind him. Puzzled, he turned and looked down the path. He didn't see anyone or anything. Shrugging his shoulders, he continued on his way without giving the matter any thought.

He passed behind Suzie's house hoping that she'd be around, but there was no sign of her. He trudged along the path wondering if he'd be done with the garage in time to visit her that afternoon.

At the store, he picked out the biggest trash bags they carried. There were only ten bags in the package. He looked at the money in his hands and realized that he had enough for two packages and a soft drink. He went to the counter and put the items down. Sam looked at them and said, "I'm getting concerned about you."

"Why?"

"You bought three things in one trip rather than making three trips," Sam said.

"I must be getting lazy in my old age," Sean said.

Sam picked up the package of trash bags and asked, "What are you using these for?"

"I'm cleaning out the garage," Sean answered.

Sam asked, "Are you going to be putting heavy things in these?"

"Yes," Sean said.

"You might need to double bag them," Sam said.

"These are the super heavy duty no break trash bags that are designed with a super secret internal webbing that will prevent tears," Sean said reading the label.

"They'll hold leaves, but twigs will go right through them. Sharp stuff will cut them. If you take my advice, you'll double bag," Sam said.

"Okay," Sean said.

Sam added, "Don't pick them up by the convenient built-in ties. The ties come off and then you'll never get them closed."

"Okay," Sean said looking at the packages of trash bags. He asked, "Do you have anything better?"

"They're the best we carry," Sam said looking apologetic.

Sean looked at the packages and said, "It is a sick world we live in."

"Why do you say that?" Sam asked.

Sean answered, "I'm spending money on something with the express intention of throwing it away. I'm buying trash."

"I never thought about it like that," Sam said, "You even throw away the box it comes in."

"That's right," Sean said shaking his head.

"Do you want a plastic bag for that?" Sam asked.

"Sure," Sean said taking note of the irony of the question.

The trip back home was made at a good pace. He reached the house and went directly to the garage. Opening the plastic bag, he pulled out a package of trash bags. After wrestling with the package to get it open, he managed to extract one of the trash bags tearing it in the process. He opened the trash bag and studied it. He didn't see any secret webbing. He said, "The box it came in is probably tougher than it is."

He looked around to see if anyone was watching. He opened the bag and started commanding the leaves to fly into the bag. It took a couple of seconds, but he figured out that he could keep the leaves flying into the bag at a very good rate. It took him a minute to fill the first bag. Stepping back, he said, "That's easy enough."

He closed the bag and carried it over to the side of the garage. He went and got another bag. He was on the sixth bag of leaves when one of the leaves didn't move when he commanded it. He bent down to look at it closer and realized that it wasn't a leaf. The thing was jumping up and down in a very excited manner. It took Sean a second to realize that it was a little person about six inches high. He asked, "Who and what are you?"

"I am Tim-Tim. I'm a Brownie," the little man answered giving him a bow.

"Pleased to meet you, I am Sean."

"I thank you," the little man said.

"For what?" Sean asked.

"For letting me live again," the Brownie answered. He jumped up and clicked his heels together.

"You're quite welcome," Sean said wondering what he had done. He looked around hoping that no one was watching him talk to a six inch tall person.

"I must be going," the Brownie said.

"Bye," Sean said watching the little fellow run off into the woods. He shook his head and said, "First it was Dwarves in the woods and now it is Brownies in the garage. I wonder what is next. Knowing my luck, it will be dragons in the basement."

Sean went back to work and before he knew it, he had ten trash bags filled with leaves. He was halfway convinced that he had seen other Brownies running out of the garage, but he never had a good look at any of them. It always seemed to happen when he was moving a lot of leaves at a time. The Brownies were so small that it was hard to spot them amongst the confusion of moving leaves.

There was now enough space to move a few feet into the garage and to see what was under and around the test equipment. He went over to the plastic bag and got out his soft drink. He stood at the door of the garage sipping on his beverage and trying to figure out what to do with all of that equipment. Most of it looked pretty heavy and he wasn't sure that he'd be able to move it.

His mother came out of the house and, as she was walking towards him, asked, "Why aren't you working?"

"Just trying to figure out what to do with this junk of Dad's," Sean answered.

She reached the garage and, surprised by the progress he had made, said, "Oh. You've been busy."

"Yes," Sean said.

"Mrs. Emery called."

Sean said, "Oh. What did she want?"

"She canceled your afternoon visit with Suzie," his mother answered.

"She hates me," Sean said shaking his head. He wondered how Suzie reacted to her mother's actions.

"No she doesn't. She's invited you over for dinner at five instead," his mother said.

"Oh," he said and after a long pause added, "Dinner."

His mother noticed the worried expression on his face. She asked, "What?"

After a very long pause he said, "That doesn't sound good."

"I accepted the invitation for you," his mother said puzzled by his reply.

Sean said, "Call her back and tell her that I'll be there only if she promises that there will be no visits to the vet."

"Huh?"

"She'll understand," Sean said holding his legs together tightly and covering his crotch with his hands.

"She's a pretty good cook," his mother said.

"I remember," Sean said, "Her cooking is not what I'm afraid of."

"You're an odd kid," his mother said.

Sean grinned and said, "I'm a chip off the old block."

His mother said, "I'll talk to her. You get back to work. Who knows, you might be done with the garage by the end of the week."

"Right," Sean said looking at the mass of equipment waiting to be moved. He would never finish it.

Bending down, he tried to pick up one of the pieces of test equipment. He had no idea what it was, what it did, or how much it weighed, but it was definitely heavier than he wanted to move. He looked at the piece of equipment and said, "I might be able to move it if I disassemble it and then put it back together again."

He stood up and stared at the piece of equipment. His magic wouldn't move anything of that weight. The parts were light enough, but the whole was too much. He considered the matter and gave up. He pushed the equipment across the floor until it reached the wall of the garage. Stepping back, he said, "There has to be a better way."

Sean pushed equipment against the wall for most of the morning. It was close to noon when his mother came out and announced, "Lunch is ready."

"What? No trips to the store?" Sean asked.

His mother shook her head and answered, "No. I'm going to go shopping after lunch."

"Huh?" Sean said staring at his mother.

"I'm going grocery shopping after lunch," she said.

"You hate grocery shopping," Sean said.

"Only when I have to drag kids along with me," she said. The time spent arguing about items that the kids wanted, but didn't need, had doubled the amount of time at the store. Sean was a sneaky brat and would just add items to the shopping cart. Lily was more argumentative.

"Oh," Sean said.

"Let's get in the house. You can work on the garage tomorrow morning," his mother said.

Sean closed the garage door and followed his mother into the house. Lunch was basic soup and sandwiches. The lunch time conversation was practically non-existent. Lily wanted to return to watching cartoons as quickly as possible. His mother was working out a grocery list while eating. Sean was thinking that there had to be a way to move that equipment with his magic. He felt that he was missing something important about his magic gift.

After lunch was over, his mother said, "Lily, why don't you watch some cartoons? Sean will join you in a little while."

"Sure, Mom," Lily said getting up from the table and running to the living room.

Once Lily was gone, his mother said, "Sean, they've took Max to the hospital this morning."

"What?" Sean asked surprised to hear that.

"It appears that he's suffering from a nervous breakdown," his mother said watching Sean for his reaction.

"You're kidding?" Sean said finding the news extremely surprising. He didn't think Max was the kind of kid who would lose it like that. Shaking his head, he asked, "What happened?"

"His mother said that he wouldn't go in the woods anymore because the midgets were out to get him. After they managed to get him to go out into the woods this morning, he came charging back claiming that a midget appeared out of thin air right behind you," his mother said.

"A midget appeared out of thin air?" Sean asked. He had to admit that he was feeling a little guilty about making Max believe that there were still Dwarves in the woods. Thinking about it, he realized that there might still be Dwarves in the woods. Just because he hadn't seen them didn't mean that they weren't there.

His mother said, "That's right. He locked himself in his room and refused to come out saying that the midgets were out to get him. He kept babbling that you were the head of some midget gang bent on killing him."

"They say that I'm odd, but even I have to admit that is more than a little strange," Sean said. He decided that he wasn't going to mention the Brownie that was in the garage. He figured that he could easily end up in the hospital with Max.

"I'd say it is a close tie," his mother commented absently. She was worried that the Baxter's might blame Sean for Max's mental condition.

"You might be right," Sean said grinning at his mother. He loved her little comments about him. Frowning, he asked, "So why did they take him to the hospital?"

"Hello Sean, pay attention. He's having hallucinations," his mother answered knocking on his head.

Sean rubbed his head and thought about the noise that he had heard that morning behind him when walking to the store. He wondered if that was when Max had seen the Dwarf. Not wanting to think about it, he said, "Hmm, next time I want to skip school I won't try to fake a fever, I'll just point to the wall and say that I saw a midget walk out of it."

"It won't work," his mother said.

"Why not?"

"Your behavior would have to represent a change from its normal pattern. Seeing midgets appearing through the wall isn't outside your normal range of behavior. It wasn't that long ago that you were claiming there were Dwarves in the woods," his mother said.

"I said that I dreamed there were Dwarves in the woods," Sean said deciding that he wasn't going to admit that there actually were Dwarves in the woods.

"Not much difference," his mother said.

Sean asked, "So what is going to happen to Max?"

"The doctors will run all kinds of tests on him to determine if he has a brain tumor. If he checks out okay physically, they'll put him on some drugs that will control his hallucinations. I'm not sure what is going to happen after they release him," his mother said.

Thinking about how everyone else would react to Max's situation, he said, "The kids at school are really going to make his life rough. I know; I'm speaking from experience."

"He's going to need a friend," his mother said.

"Maybe I should go visit him," Sean said.

"I don't think that would be a very good idea. You forget that you are at the center of all of his delusions," his mother said.

"Are you saying that my visiting him might be like pouring gasoline on a fire?" Sean asked.

"That would be an understatement," his mother said.

"You're probably right," Sean said thoughtfully. He did think it was a bit weird that Max was claiming the dwarf appeared out of thin air right behind him. He hadn't noticed anything like that happening and he figured that was something one should notice.

"I talked to Mrs. Emery and she promised that there wouldn't be any trips to the vet," his mother said amused.

"That's good," Sean said.

"That must have been a very interesting conversation that you had with her," his mother said with a sparkle in her eye. She had laughed tears when she had heard the story from Mrs. Emery.

Sean said, "Mrs. Emery has a serious attitude problem towards cats. If I was a cat, I'd definitely steer clear of her house."

His mother laughed and said, "She only has a problem with tom cats that threaten to rub up against her daughter and sleep where ever he wants."

"Oh, I guess I can see where she might have a problem with a tom cat like that. Of course, she couldn't think that I would do things like that," Sean said.

"Why?"

Sean smiled and, pointing to his cheeks, said, "I have dimples when I smile."

"You might consider showering, shaving, and dressing up for your dinner visit tonight," his mother said.

Sean scratched his chin thinking that he had shaved a couple of days ago. He asked, "Why?"

"I've seen how you look at Suzie," his mother said. It had been obvious for two years that Sean was more than a little fond of Suzie.

The comment shook up Sean more than he wanted to admit. He held up his hands in protest and said, "It is not like that. She and I have been friends ever since we could crawl. She doesn't see me that way and I'm not going to do anything to spoil a good friendship."

His mother shook her head and said, "I really feel sorry for that girl."

"What girl?" Sean asked.

"The one you are going to marry some day," his mother answered wondering if he was really that dense. If not, he was a pretty good actor.

Sean asked, "Why?"

His mother said, "There's nothing worse than being married to an idiot."

Sean looked at his mother wondering what she was trying to say to him. Giving up, he said, "I'm going to have to ask Dad for his opinion on the matter."

"What matter is that?" she asked hoping he wasn't going to say what she thought he was going to say. She added, "Think carefully before you answer. You might end up cleaning the attic if you give me the wrong answer."

"About feeling sorry for my future wife," Sean answered with a smile although the other answer had been just on the tip of his tongue.

"Good save," his mother said, 'I'm sure that I'll have a reason to have you clean the attic before the summer is over."

"I wouldn't be surprised," Sean said.

She grabbed the shopping list and said, "I guess I'll be off to the store. It is going to be a little strange going there again."

"Probably cheaper, too," Sean said knowing that the convenience store was very expensive.

"Even the convenience store was cheaper than raising a baby," she said glancing down at the list.

"Where'd a baby enter the conversation?" Sean asked thinking that his normally sharp wits had to be running a little dull that day.

"It didn't and that's the whole point," his mother said looking at him over the top of her list.

"I don't get it," he said.

His mother stood from the table and said, "It is all about who gets what that is important."

"Huh?"

"Watch after your sister," his mother said as she headed towards the back door. She paused and said, "Wash the dishes while you're at it."

Sean sat there staring at the closed door wondering what his mother was talking about. He turned to face the living room and shouted, "Hey Lily. Do you want to learn how to wash dishes?"

"No," Lily shouted back.

"Why not?" Sean asked in a shout.

Lily answered, "I know all about Tom Lawyer and how he tricked all of his friends into painting the fence."

Sean shook his head at hearing his sister refer to Tom Sawyer in the same manner that his mother had used when reading the story to him when he was a boy. She claimed that Tom Sawyer was a shyster lawyer in training because of that fence trick. Entering the living room, he said, "It is Tom Sawyer."

"No. It is Tom Lawyer. Only a lawyer would fake his own death and attend the funeral to hear what people said about him so that he could sue them for de-flaming his character," Lily replied with the kind of confidence that came from knowing that there was no arguing that point.

Sean gave up knowing he'd never be able to convince her of anything different until she actually read the story on her own. He asked, "Who woke Sleeping Beauty with a kiss?"

"Prince Charming," she answered.

"That's right. According to Mom, what did he look like?" Sean asked.

"He was old, fat, and ugly. He had twisted teeth, a broken nose, and one leg longer than the other. He had four fingers on one hand and six on the other. He ate onions and beans for every meal. His breath could kill a horse at a dozen paces and he passed gas every time he took a step. Poor Sleeping Beauty was doomed to a life of everlasting misery because he made her pregnant when he kissed her while she was sleeping and she had to marry him," Lily answered.

Sean asked, "What does everyone else say he looked like?"

"He was young, rich, and handsome," Lily answered.

Sean said, "Read Tom Sawyer before you discuss it with other people."

"Of course I will," Lily replied with a snort. She added, "I know that Mom tends to tell twisted tales. I'm not stupid."

"Okay," Sean said.

"You've got to admit that her versions are much more entertaining," Lily said with a grin.

"True."

After carrying the dishes to the sink, Sean stood there washing them while thinking about the conversation he had with his mother. He was worried about Max. He might not have liked the guy after he had turned into a jock, but having everyone think that he was having a nervous breakdown because he reported what he was seeing wasn't right.

Max had seen the Dwarves. Sean knew there were Dwarves in the woods. He knew that there was magic because he had been given it by the Dwarves. He had claimed it was a dream while Max had said it was reality. Max was in the hospital because he was telling the truth. He shook his head wondering how he could make it right.

He thought about the Brownie in the garage. He was pretty sure that he hadn't imagined it or his conversation with the little fellow. He wondered if it had anything to do with his use of magic. He was using it a lot lately and that might be attracting magic creatures.



-------

Chapter 8


"You aren't going to wear that, are you?"

Sean looked down at his t-shirt, blue jeans, and sneakers. He wondered what was wrong with his clothes. It was the same thing that he wore every day. Looking up at his mother, he said, "You're right. I should go there naked."

"Mom, Sean's a pervert," Lily said automatically.

"I know, Lily. All boys his age are perverts," his mother said. She smiled at Sean and said, "That would be a good way to get a quick ride to the vet's office from Mrs. Emery."

"I didn't think about that," Sean said. He rubbed the back of his neck still getting used to the haircut.

"Go put on a dress shirt, a nice pair of pants, and your good shoes," she said.

"Okay," Sean said frowning. He wasn't sure why she was insisting that he dress up just to have dinner with Suzie and her parents.

Sean went into his room and changed clothes. When he went to put on his shoes, he noticed that someone had polished them. After slipping them on, he ordered the shoelaces to tie themselves one at a time just to see what would happen. He was quite surprised when the laces formed perfect knots complete with symmetric loops.

He looked in the mirror when he was done and said, "I look like I'm going to church."

'Or a date, ' Sean thought. The thought quickly made itself felt in his groin. As his cock stirred, he hit his head and said, "Don't even think thoughts like that. She's your friend."

Sean left his room and made his way towards the back door. Passing his mother, he said, "Bye."

His mother asked, "Where are you going?"

"To Suzie's for dinner," Sean answered thinking that the answer was pretty obvious.

She shook her head and said, "Not the back way. Go out the front door."

"It is longer," he protested. The houses were set well back from the road. He would have to walk down to the road and then along it to get there since the Baxter's had a fence that ran around the front of their property.

"You'll drive," his mother said.

"Drive?" he asked with more than a little hint of surprise in his voice. She never let him drive.

"Yes, you'll drive. You don't want to show up with your shoes all scuffed up," she said.

Looking down at his shoes, he said, "I know that Mrs. Emery is a little hostile towards me and cats, but do you really think that she is going to be looking at my shoes?"

"I raised an idiot," his mother muttered. She answered, "Yes."

"Okay," Sean said having heard the idiot comment quite clearly. He wondered what had provoked that. He said, "I'll need the keys."

"Do you have any money?" she asked as she handed over the set of car keys.

Sean frowned and answered, "I don't think I'll need to buy any gas to get to her house. It is five houses over."

"You and Suzie might want to get some ice cream after dinner," his mother said.

"Oh, I didn't think of that," Sean said thinking that this little dinner was turning into a bit more than just dropping by for a bite to eat.

"Go get some money," his mother said.

Sean went to his room and got ten dollars out of his drawer. It was the first time in ages that he had actually removed any money from it. He picked up his wallet and put the money in it. If he was driving, he would need his driver's license. Convinced that there wasn't anything else for him to take, he paused in front of the mirror and checked his reflection. Grinning, he said, "Sean Connery Michaels, agent double o zero, is ready for action."

He headed for the front door convinced that he was prepared for this dinner engagement. As he reached the door, he came to a stop. His mother was blocking the door with her hands behind her back. He asked, "What now?"

"I just want to go over the checklist before you head out," she answered.

"What checklist?" Sean asked frowning.

"You showered, shaved, brushed your teeth, combed your hair, dressed nicely, and got some money. Did you get your driver's license?"

"Yes, Mom," Sean answered patting his wallet that nested in his back pocket of his pants.

She looked at him for a second and then said, "There's something missing."

After checking to make sure that his zipper was up, he asked, "What's missing?"

"Flowers," his mother answered holding out the bouquet of flowers she had been hiding behind her back.

"Flowers?" Sean asked with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He could just imagine how Mrs. Emery would react to him showing up with flowers. He said, "I'm not too sure about this. Suzie's mom is liable to get the wrong idea. The only thing she hates more than cats is me and you should hear what she likes to do to cats."

"Mrs. Emery doesn't hate cats," his mother said laughing.

"You haven't talked to her about cats," Sean said shaking a finger at his mother.

His mother shoved the flowers in his hand and said, "Go before you're late."

"I would have been there a half an hour ago if you hadn't kept sending me back to my room," Sean said.

It was a two minute drive to Suzie's house. He had to drive past the Baxter's house. Mr. Baxter was out by the street getting the mail from the mail box. The look he gave Sean when he drove past was not friendly. It sent shivers down Sean's spine.

He pulled into the driveway at Suzie's house and came to a stop. He had no idea where to park his mother's car. He sat there for a minute and then decided that he'd park next to Mrs. Emery's car and hoped that her father had somewhere else to park. He got out and headed towards the door. Although he had been half tempted to leave the bouquet of flowers in the car, he was pretty sure that his mother would find out.

Sean held out the bouquet of flowers and rang the front door. He fidgeted nervously thinking about the kind of reception that he would receive from Mrs. Emery. He hoped that the flowers his mother had given him would make a suitable peace offering. The past few discussions with her had not gone all that well.

Mrs. Emery opened the door and said, "Look at what the cat dragged in."

"Flowers," Sean said holding them out to her.

Amused by the gesture, Mrs. Emery asked, "Witless Wonder, would you rather be the cat or what the cat dragged in?"

"Knowing how you feel about the feline species, I think I would rather be what the cat dragged in," Sean answered.

"Smart," Mrs. Emery said, "Save the flowers for someone your own age."

"Yes, Mrs. Emery," Sean said thinking it was rather remarkable that she would make that particular suggestion. He thought that his mother sure would be surprised when he told her about that.

Mrs. Emery stepped back and said, "Come in."

"Yes, Mrs. Emery," Sean said sidling past her.

"You look nervous," Mrs. Emery said.

"Not at all, Mrs. Emery," Sean said looking down at the flowers in his hand. He hoped that Suzie didn't misinterpret the flowers and get angry at him. He'd hate to lose her as a friend and wondered if that wasn't the reason Mrs. Emery was suggesting he give the flowers to Suzie.

Mrs. Emery smiled at the worried expression on his face. He looked like he was about to face a firing squad. She said, "You look like a little lamb being led off to slaughter."

"Mrs. Emery, don't take this the wrong way, but I have a feeling that you don't like animals very much," Sean said.

"Actually, I'm quite fond of animals," Mrs. Emery said chuckling.

Sean looked skeptical for a second and then said, "So long as they aren't cats or lambs."

Mrs. Emery said, "Suzie is in the living room. Why don't you take the flowers to her?"

"You won't get angry?" Sean asked.

"Go give her the flowers," Mrs. Emery said pointing down the hallway towards the living room.

"Yes, Mrs. Emery." Sean wasn't about to argue with her although he was halfway convinced that she was trying to drive a wedge between him and Suzie. All he needed was for Suzie to get the wrong idea and he'd lose the only real friend that he had. Swallowing heavily, he made his way down the hall. He knew the way to the living room having played in it as a kid.

Sean stopped as soon as he entered the living room to look at Suzie. He couldn't believe what his eyes were seeing. Suzie was standing at the other end of the room looking at him. She was wearing a very nice dress that was far shorter than he figured her mother would allow. It showed off her legs from upper thigh to shapely ankle. The upper part of the dress was cut pretty low as well. The swell of the upper parts of her breasts were exposed to his view. Her hair had been styled that day and looked very nice the way it framed her face.

It took him a full fifteen seconds to get control of his voice. Thrusting the hand that held the flowers forward, he said, "I have some flowers for you."

Suzie looked at the flowers and ran across the room. She gave him a quick hug. Taking the flowers from him she said, "I can't believe that you brought me flowers. That's so sweet."

When Suzie hugged him, Sean had absolutely no idea what he was supposed to do. After he started feeling dizzy, he figured that a good beginning would be to start breathing again. The top of her dress looked even better up close. He looked at Suzie and saw that she was glowing while holding the flowers.

He took a breath and then realized that they might not be alone. Sean looked back to see if Mrs. Emery was coming with a knife. She was grinning at him. He wasn't sure what that meant, but the idea of the angel standing in front of him caused him to turn back to Suzie.

He was pretty sure that he should say something to her. The first thing that came to mind for him to say to her involved describing how he'd love to run his hands over her body. Fortunately his better sense prevailed and he said, "You look lovely."

Suzie looked up at him from the flowers and said, "You're looking particularly handsome yourself."

"You look beautiful," Sean said deciding that lovely wasn't an accurate description.

"You're all dressed up," she said.

"I like your outfit, too," Sean said licking his lips. His lips were dry and his hands were sweaty.

"Did you get a haircut?" she asked trying to think of something to say. She licked her lips. Her lips were dry and her hands were sweaty.

"Yes," Sean answered.

She asked, "Did you go to a barber or did your mother cut it?"

"Mom cut it," Sean said thankful she was asking questions. At least now he didn't have to try to come up with something to say.

Mrs. Emery had listened to the conversation trying hard not to laugh. The two kids were looking at each other with cow eyes and blathering on inanely. She asked, "Are you going to hold those flowers until they wilt or are you going to get them in some water?"

Sean shook his head and said, "She threatens cats and protects flowers."

Suzie laughed at the comment. It took her a moment to get herself together enough to say, "Why don't you have a seat while I put the flowers in a vase?"

"Okay," Sean said. He caught himself before sitting down on the floor and moved over to a chair never taking his eyes off of her. When she walked away, he swore that there was an extra sway in her hips that he had never seen before.

Mrs. Emery followed Suzie into the kitchen. Alone at last, Sean was able to adjust his pants. He could hear Suzie say, "I can't believe that he brought flowers!"

"I can," Mrs. Emery said knowing exactly how it was that Sean had ended up bringing flowers over that evening.

"Does that mean that he likes me?"

"I can't believe that you've never noticed the way he looks at you. He's been head over heels in love with you for two years," Mrs. Emery said.

"Two years?" Suzie asked.

"Yes, why do you think I don't let him be alone with you?"

"Oh."

Sean couldn't believe his ears. All of those trips to the convenience store suddenly made sense. Anytime that he and Suzie got too close, her mother was right there or his mother called to send him on a trip to the store. Mrs. Emery had been trying to keep him from getting too close to Suzie. He looked down at his sweaty palms and tried to dry them off on his trousers. He muttered, "I'm in trouble now."

Mrs. Emery returned to the room and looked at Sean. He was looking a little pale. She asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yes, Mrs. Emery," Sean said looking at the woman as if seeing her for the first time. She looked so nice and sweet, but she was evil through and through telling Suzie how much he liked her.

"You don't look too well," she said.

"I don't know what to say to Suzie," Sean said thinking that it was the last thing he should be saying to Mrs. Emery. He had heard her tell Suzie that he loved her. He was totally unprepared to have his feelings announced like that.

"What's the matter? You've known Suzie your whole life," Mrs. Emery said.

Sean leaned forward and said, "Mrs. Emery. I'm not sure that letting Suzie wear a dress like that is such a wise idea."

"Why?" she asked.

He looked around as if trying to make sure that he wouldn't be overheard and said, "I don't want you to think poorly of me, but it would be very easy to get the wrong idea about her feelings towards me."

"And what idea might that be?" Mrs. Emery asked.

"That she likes me as more than a friend," Sean said. He looked around nervously and said, "I'm afraid that I'll say something stupid."

Mrs. Emery smiled at him and said, "Saying stupid things is your forte, but I'm sure that you'll muddle through dinner just fine."

"Okay," Sean said thinking that she had really made his life difficult. He was halfway convinced that was her evil plan.

Suzie returned to the room and said, "The flowers are lovely."

"I'm glad you like them," Sean said. He clasped his hands together and just looked at her. His mind was a total blank.

After an uncomfortable silence, Suzie looked over at her mother and asked, "When is dinner?"

"When your father gets home," her mother answered.

The conversation was not going well. Sean decided that he wouldn't mind a chance to think without Suzie or her mother around. Suzie was distracting and her mother was scary. He said, "I think I parked in his spot. Maybe I should move the car."

"That's okay. He can park on the other side of my car," Mrs. Emery said effectively killing the conversation.

Sean sat there looking from Suzie to Mrs. Emery, but finding that his gaze was on Suzie much more than on her mother. She was looking back at him with a nervous expression on her face. He was convinced that now that she knew how he felt that she didn't want him around. Wanting to make some kind of conversation, Sean said, "Mom was telling me about Max earlier."

"I heard that his parents put him in the psyche ward of the hospital," Suzie said relieved to have a good topic of conversation.

"That's what my mother told me."

"They had to do it. He was hallucinating," Mrs. Emery said shaking her head. She didn't believe that Max was the kind of kid to have a nervous breakdown.

"I feel sorry for him," Sean said.

"Me too," Suzie said. She looked at Sean and said, "What do you think of his belief that you are the head of a gang of midgets?"

"I don't know what to think of it," Sean said. He felt rather guilty about having led Max on that there were still Dwarves in the woods.

"I can't imagine you being the head of any kind of gang. Of course, if you had to lead a gang then a gang of midgets would be about your speed," Mrs. Emery said with a smile.

"Thanks, I think," Sean said.

"I feel sorry for him," Suzie said.

Sean said, "I do too. He's going to discover that high school isn't all that much fun."

"He's going to get teased a lot," Suzie said.

"I thought about going to the hospital to visit him, but Mom convinced me that it wouldn't be a good idea," Sean said.

Mrs. Emery said, "I can understand that. She's afraid that they wouldn't let you leave."

"There is that, but Mom mentioned that I was the central figure in his delusions," Sean said nodding his head.

"He's not the only one with that problem," Mrs. Emery said looking at Suzie.

Suzie looked at her mother and said, "They aren't delusions."

Sean said, "I'm not the head of a midget gang."

The conversation was saved by the timely arrival of Mr. Emery. He entered the living room and said, "Ah, Sean. It is good to see you again."

"Thanks, Mr. Emery," Sean replied standing up from the chair.

"I heard you were hanging around here again," Mr. Emery said. He looked at Suzie and then said, "Isn't that dress a little too short?"

"Daddy!" Suzie said.

"I had similar thoughts. I took one look at it and thought to myself that that dress was short," Sean said thinking it would be wise to take his side.

Mr. Emery looked at Sean and said, "I have no doubts about that."

"Yes, I was rather surprised that Mrs. Emery let her wear that particular outfit," Sean said.

Mr. Emery looked at his wife and shook his head. He looked back at Sean and said, "You and I will have to take a long walk in the woods soon. We have a lot to talk about."

"Uh, I have a better idea. Why don't we have our little talk at the mall? We can have a little coffee or hot chocolate while chatting amiably," Sean said with a very forced grin. He was starting to sweat.

"Too many witnesses," Mr. Emery said.

"Daddy!"

Wondering if he should have worn more antiperspirant, Sean said, "That's okay. I don't mind witnesses."

Mrs. Emery went over to her husband and took his arm. In a sweet voice, she said, "Don't worry about it, dear. I've got everything under control."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, let's eat dinner," she said.

Sean looked over at Suzie and said, "I bet we're having lamb."

"Why?" Suzie asked.

"She mentioned something about taking lambs to slaughter when I entered the house," Sean said.

Suzie laughed and said, "We're having pot roast."

"I've got a feeling that you'll be eating lamb tomorrow," Sean said watching Mrs. Emery lead her husband out of the room. He had never noticed how big Mr. Emery was.

Sean went to the dining room with Suzie thankful that she hadn't tried to hold hands with him. His palms were so sweaty that he was wondering if he should have sprayed them with antiperspirant rather than his underarms. He was surprised when they reached the dining room and there were only two places set.

Suzie came to an abrupt stop when she reached the chair at which she normally sat. Looking down at the table, she asked, "Where are we supposed to sit?"

"I thought you two might enjoy eating out on the patio," Mrs. Emery said.

"Oh," Suzie said before bursting out in a big smile.

Sean looked at Mrs. Emery with a puzzled expression. Despite the horror at the words coming from his mouth, he asked, "Won't that make it kind of hard to watch us?"

"Yes it does, now that you mention it," Mrs. Emery said.

"Oh," Sean said.

"Why don't you two fix up some plates and go out to the patio table?" Mrs. Emery said. Mr. Emery started to say something, but was nudged in the side with an elbow.

"Sure," Suzie said.

Sean followed Suzie into the kitchen. It took a few minutes to load up a plate with food. He said, "This looks really good."

"Mom is a good cook," Suzie said smiling over at him. She added, "She's taught me how to cook."

"That's nice. All my Mom has taught me to do is to walk to the store," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

Suzie laughed and said, "I know."

"Would you like to hear something odd?" Sean asked.

"Sure," Suzie answered putting some of the vegetables on her plate.

"She went grocery shopping today," Sean said.

Suzie looked at him surprised. She said, "She hates shopping."

They carried their plates to the patio. Much to their surprise, the patio table was set with candles. It was still much too light outdoors for the candles to be of much use, but they did establish a nice atmosphere. Suzie said, "It is so romantic."

"Yes," Sean said trying to figure out what Mrs. Emery was plotting. He said, "I can't believe that your mother went to so much trouble."

"I know," Suzie said putting down her plate. She looked across the table at Sean and said, "She took me shopping today. She told me to pick out a dress that I would like you to see me wearing. I picked out this one."

"I bet she had a fit," Sean said imaging the scene that must have occurred when her mother saw her in that outfit.

"No. She told me that you would probably like it a lot," Suzie said with a grin.

"She was right," Sean said, "That dress is amazing."

"Thanks," Suzie said taking a seat. On sitting down she discovered a very real problem with wearing short dresses. The lattice work of the chair seat pinched her thighs.

Sean took his seat and said, "I like how you did your hair."

"After shopping for the dress, Mom took me to the stylist for a haircut and a manicure," Suzie said holding up her fingers for him to see.

"Very nice," Sean said wondering what the big deal was about having fingernails painted.

"Mom went to a lot to trouble today," Suzie said.

"To what end?" Sean asked.

Suzie cut a little piece of her meat and said, "My Mom told me that you like me."

"Sure, we've been friends forever," Sean said. The fork almost slipped out of his hand his palms were sweating so much. Only his magic was keeping it in his hand.

"She meant a little more than that," Suzie said. She took a bite of her meat and looked up to watch his reaction.

The fork went flying across the table. Sean called it back to his hand and said, "I hope that doesn't ruin our friendship. I don't know what I'd do without having you as a friend."

"That's okay. I feel the same way," Suzie said staring at the fork. She decided that she had been seeing things.

"You do?" Sean asked looking at her in surprise.

"Of course. You don't think I would wear my special swimming suit for anybody," Suzie said with a smile.

"I'll admit that I didn't have much of a chance to see it," Sean said.

"I'll wear it tomorrow when you come over for a swim," Suzie said.

Licking his lips, Sean said, "That would be nice, but I don't know if your mother will agree."

"She will."



-------

Chapter 9


Sean opened the garage door only partially ready to do battle with the disaster laughingly called a garage. He stepped back surprised by what he found. All of the test equipment was stacked up against the side of the garage and the rest of the garage floor was cleaned of leaves. He went out and looked at the side of the garage and noticed that there were three more bags of leaves piled there.

He returned to the garage and said, "This is amazing. I wonder if Dad did that last night."

He sat down on one of the pieces of test equipment and sighed. The previous evening had been better than anything he could have imagined. He and Suzie had sat around the table talking until eight. Then they had gone out for ice cream. They had stayed until the ice cream parlor had closed. Even though it was still before ten when they arrived back to her house, it was almost midnight before he arrived home.

The late night had made getting up that morning twice as tough as usual. Lily had been her normal cheerful self and had merrily served as an alarm clock without a snooze button. He had growled and threatened bodily harm to no avail. It was just 7:30 in the morning and he was already in the garage. That didn't mean that he was fully awake.

His head tilted forward and it wasn't long before he was asleep. He woke with a start and wondered how long he had dozed off. He yawned and looked around at the garage. He would have said that the garage wouldn't clean itself, but it appeared to have done just that the previous evening. Feeling a little more alert, he took stock of what had to be done.

The garage still had a long way to go before being clean. He rose from his seat and grabbed one of the boxes. Curious about the contents, he opened the box. Inside was a puppet that he had when he was a kid. He took it out and manipulated the puppet to walk across the floor. He folded the puppet and put it back in the box. He decided to stack the boxes on the other side of the garage.

As he moved each box, he opened it and examined the contents. He took his time and checked each item. There were a lot of little things he remembered, but had never missed their absence in his life. He had just stacked the seventh box when his mother came out to the garage.

Shocked at the progress he had made, she said, "Wow. You've really been working hard."

"Hardly working is more like it," Sean answered feeling guilty for his little nap.

"Your father and I came out here last night after dinner to see how it was going. We were quite pleased with your progress. I can't believe you moved all of that equipment this morning," she said.

Sean looked around the garage wondering how it managed to get cleaned if his father hadn't done it. He asked, "So did you do anything while you were out here?"

"What kind of question is that to ask your mother?" she asked. She felt it was none of his business what she did with her husband when he and Lily weren't around.

"I was just wondering if you moved any of the stuff around," Sean asked more than a little puzzled by her defensive answer.

"Oh," his mother replied.

"Did Dad happen to mention what he wanted to do with all of this junk equipment?" Sean asked.

"No, he didn't," his mother answered. She looked around still shocked at how much Sean had accomplished. She said, "You must be tired. Why don't you take a break?"

"That's okay," Sean said thinking that he had already taken a break. He looked at the boxes and asked, "What about the boxes?"

"I guess you can just stack them over against that wall with the others," his mother answered.

"Okay," Sean said.

"Well, I'll go back in the house," his mother said.

"Alright," Sean said lifting one of the boxes and carrying it over to the wall. When he set it down, he looked over at where his mother had been and found that she was gone. Stepping back, he said, "I wonder who cleaned the garage."

He thought about the Brownie that he had met the previous day in the garage and wondered if Tim-Tim was responsible for it. He felt bad about the little fellow spending all night cleaning the garage. Hoping that Brownie could hear him, he said, "I'll finish the garage tomorrow."

There were only a couple dozen boxes on the floor. Sean moved each one into place. Looking through one of the boxes, he came across a jewelry box with a bunch of costume jewelry in it.

He noticed that a couple of the pieces were made of 12K gold. Thinking about needing gold in a year, he said, "I wonder if I can keep this."

He put the jewelry box aside on the workbench. Stepping back, he looked over the garage. Most of it was pretty clean except for the area around the workbench.

Sean was about to close the door to the garage, when he thought about the puppet. Something was working in the back of his mind and he couldn't figure out what it was. All he knew was that the puppet was important somehow. He went over to the box and removed the puppet. While he was at it, he decided to take the jewelry box in the house as well.

Sean went directly to his room and deposited the puppet there. He knew that if Lily saw it that she would want to play with it. Once she got her hands on it he would never get it back. He went back to the kitchen carrying the jewelry box. His mother was seated at the table paying bills. Sitting down, he slid the jewelry box across the table and said, "I found this when I was cleaning the garage."

His mother looked at the jewelry box and said, "Oh. I completely forgot about that old thing.

You can throw that out."

"Okay," Sean said thinking that there was some nice stuff in it. He asked, "Can I keep it?"

His mother smiled and asked, "Going to be giving your girlfriend jewels?"

"Something like that," Sean answered although the thought had not entered his mind. He had been thinking more about the gold than what jewelry represented.

"So how was your date?"

Sean answered, "I had a great time last night. We had a nice dinner out on the patio and then went out for ice cream."

"You got home kind of late," she said.

"It was nearly midnight," Sean said. His mother and father had already gone to bed by the time he had gotten home. He wasn't sure if she knew what time he had come home.

"I know," she said looking over at him. She asked, "What did you do between the time the ice cream parlor closed and getting home?"

"We just talked," Sean said.

"Talked?"

Sean nodded his head and said, "Yes, we just talked."

"We didn't go to all of that trouble yesterday so that you could just talk," his mother said with a smile.

"We had two years of conversation to catch up on," Sean said with a grin.

"Two years of conversation?"

Sean said, "Yes. Our meddling mothers kept us from having any meaningful conversations for two years. Between Mrs. Emery hovering over us like a vulture and you sending me to the store every hour, we never had much of a chance to talk."

"So you're saying that our plan to keep you two apart succeeded," his mother said with a grin.

"Only too well," Sean replied.

"So what kind of things did you talk about?"

"Our meddling mothers."

"Ah, that is always a good topic of conversation. I'm sure that you had great things to say about us," she said.

"I'm not sure you would appreciate the phrases in which the word great was applied," Sean said with a smile.

"I'm wounded to the core," she said theatrically holding her hands over her heart.

"I'm sure you are," Sean said.

His mother asked, "So when are you seeing her again?"

Sean shrugged his shoulders and said, "She invited me over to swim this afternoon."

"Ah, she wants to show off her bikini," his mother said with a knowledgeable smile.

Mention of the bathing suit reminded him of the skimpy little thing she had worn the other day.

The idea of seeing her in that again caused his heart to redirect the flow of blood to a different region of his body. He shifted in his seat and said, "Maybe."

His mother noticed his sudden discomfort and said, "You like the idea of that."

"I think Suzie and I are cursed with meddling mothers," Sean said feeling his cheeks grow warm.

"You and Suzie are blessed with great mothers," his mother said smiling at the comment about meddling mothers. She was pretty sure that meddling was an integral part of being a mother.

Wanting to make sure that he understood some of the intricacies of motherhood, she added,

"Meddling is what makes a great mother."

"Who told you that?" Sean asked with a raised eyebrow.

"It is in the 'Great Mothers Handbook' on the first line of page one," she answered with a smile.

"You should have read the rest of it," Sean said.

"By the way, Suzie bought that swimsuit just for you," his mother said bringing the subject of conversation back to where it had been.

"How would you know that?" Sean asked surprised by that little piece of information.

"The vulture and I talk about you two a lot," his mother answered.

"A far more interesting topic to discuss with her is cats," Sean said.

His mother laughed and said, "You sure are fixated on cats."

"You would be too if you ever discussed the matter with Suzie's mother," Sean replied.

"I'll do that. Now get out of here so that I can finish paying these bills."

Sean looked down at the jewelry box and said, "I'm going to put this in my room and then head out to play in the woods for a while."

"Okay," his mother said looking down at the bills.

Sean took the jewelry box upstairs and sorted through the items in it. There were three rings that were made of 12K gold. He went to his computer and looked up how much gold content there was in 12K gold. He was a little disappointed to discover that it was only half gold. He wasn't sure how much the rings weighed, but together they were nowhere near an ounce. He said, "I'm going to have to get more than that."

He grabbed a shoebox from his closet and stuffed the puppet in it. There was no sense letting his sister see it. She would want to play with it and he would never get it back. Carrying the shoebox in one hand, he headed out for the woods. Once on the path, he looked around to see if anyone was watching. Convinced that the coast was clear, he headed off into the woods in the direction of the old tree house. He looked at it and shook his head. There was almost nothing left of it. The little structure held so many fond memories that it kind of hurt to see it that way.

When they were kids, it had been such a grand thing.

Opening the box, Sean studied the puppet with far more care than he had ever given it. The puppet as a whole was pretty heavy compared to what his magic could handle. The strings were definitely lighter than the rock and he hoped could manipulate them. He wondered if the fact that the strings were connected to the puppet and the cross sticks would affect his ability to control them. He looked around and found a good branch on which to hang the puppet.

Stepping back, he commanded the string attached to the right foot to rise. The string rose and pulled the foot up with it. He made a fist and raised it into the air while he shouted, "Yes!"

Sean looked around and found a comfortable patch of grass on which to sit while performing his experiments. It put him about six feet away from the puppet. For the next fifteen minutes, he practiced making the puppet dance. It took a bit of mental coordination to get the puppet to move in a fluid manner.

He was in the process of trying to get the puppet to disco dance when, from behind him, a voice asked, "What are you doing?"

Surprised, Sean jumped up and spun around. Feeling like he had been caught masturbating, he said, "Suzie!"

"Sean, what are you doing?" Suzie asked staring at the puppet. She had seen it moving all by itself. Looking at it, she recalled the strange little things she had noticed over the past few days.

"I'm playing with a puppet," Sean answered.

"It was moving and you weren't touching it," Suzie said still staring at the puppet. She wondered if there was a remote control, but she didn't see anything that suggested there was anything unusual about it. Sean wasn't holding any kind of control mechanism.

Deciding that he should tell her the truth, Sean said, "I was doing magic."

"Magic tricks?" Suzie asked forcing her eyes from the puppet to look at him. She looked to see if there were thin wires that were controlling the puppet.

Sean shook his head and said, "No. I was doing magic."

"Real magic and not magician type magic?"

"Yes, I was doing real magic," Sean said.

Suzie bit her lower lip and looked at the puppet. She wouldn't have believed without having seen the puppet move around like that. Looking back at Sean, she asked, "Is that the midget that Max saw?"

Shaking his head, Sean gestured to the grassy spot next to him and said, "Have a seat. This is going to take a long time to explain."

Worried that things were going to get strange, Suzie kept her distance from Sean. She asked,

"This magic can't make me do weird things like crow like a rooster or something?"

Sean laughed and said, "No."

"Just don't do anything weird to me," Suzie said.

"I won't," Sean said. He patted the grass next to him and said, "Have a seat and I'll tell you the whole story."

"Okay," Suzie said.

Once she had taken a seat, Sean said, "It all started with me finding Max molesting a female Dwarf."

"You mean a little person," Suzie said trying to remember the politically correct term for a person of extremely small stature.

"Nope. I mean a Dwarf. A real honest to God Dwarf that was straight out of a fairy tale," Sean said.

"Max was molesting a Dwarf?" Suzie asked finding it rather hard to believe.

"I found him holding her upside down and with her legs spread looking at her ... Well, you can guess what he was looking at," Sean said.

"Ugh," Suzie said in disgust at the idea.

Sean said, "Well, I thought he was doing that to a little girl because I could only see her backside."

"Okay," Suzie said. She hoped that Sean would have reacted regardless of the age of Max's victim.

"Well, I charged Max thinking he was molesting a little girl and I tripped. My head hit him in the stomach and my hand hit him in the groin," Sean said.

"Good for you," Suzie said.

"Thanks," Sean said smiling over at her. He said, "Well, I was still seeing stars when the Dwarf Max had been molesting walks over to where I was sitting. That was about the time that I became convinced that I was dreaming."

"Why?" Suzie asked.

"She had a beard," Sean answered.

"How do you know it was a she?" Suzie asked.

"She was anatomically correct," Sean answered.

In a voice that could have frozen water, Suzie asked, "How would you know?"

"She showed me," Sean answered wishing that he could take the words back as soon as they were out of his mouth.

"She did, did she?"

Sean said, "Remember, I'm sitting there after having taken down Max and talking to three Dwarves. I was seriously thinking it was a dream."

"Okay, where'd the other two Dwarves come from?" Suzie asked.

"They just showed up out of the woods," Sean answered.

"While the female Dwarf is getting molested by Max, they are hanging around in the woods.

You save her and then they show up. Have I got that right?" Suzie asked thinking that Sean ought to learn how to lie a little better than that.

"Yes, but I don't think the female Dwarf needed their protection."

Suzie shook her head and asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, the female Dwarf tossed Max a hundred yards or so into the woods," Sean answered.

"She tossed him into the woods," Suzie said finding his story more difficult to believe every minute.

"That's right. She just picked him up and tossed him like yesterday's lunch," Sean said.

"How big are these Dwarves?" Suzie asked. Max had to weigh 180 at the least.

"About so high," Sean answered holding his hand about three and a half feet above the ground.

"Does this female Dwarf have a name?" Suzie asked.

Nodding his head, Sean answered, "Her name is Clea."

Suzie was about to say something when she heard a conversation taking place behind her. She listened to two male voices exchange the following:

"At least he got her name right."

"You'll notice that he didn't say a word about choking his chicken while looking at her."

"Maybe he's not a total idiot."

"Sure he is. He just hasn't gotten to that part. Pretty soon he'll be blurting out that he was petting his trouser snake while gazing at Clea and the Nymph is going to haul off and hit him."

"She's not a Nymph."

"She looks good enough to be one."

"That's true. Of course, wait until the Nymphs come back. He's going to be spreading his seed all over the bushes."

Suzie turned to see where the voices were coming from, but when she turned there was no one there. She stood up and looked around trying to find where the voices were originating. There was no one behind her. Looking back at Sean, she said, "I assume that was the Dwarves."

"Yes," Sean said with a groan.

"Choking the chicken? Petting the trouser snake?" she asked having heard those terms before.

She wasn't thrilled to learn that he had been masturbating while staring at the private parts of a female Dwarf.

"To lie or not to lie, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or face an angry woman?" Sean muttered thinking that Hamlet had it easy.

"Don't lie," Suzie said.

"Yes," Sean said.

"Yes, to what?" Suzie asked giving him a look that would wither poison ivy.

"Yes. I jacked off," Sean answered convinced that his fledgling relationship with Suzie was doomed.

A voice from the woods asked, "Is she prettier than the nymph with you?"

"Hey! Stop doing that!" Sean shouted looking over his shoulder.

Suzie said, "It is a good question."

"It is a bad question that has no good answer," Sean said.

"I sometimes want to hear a bad answer on occasion," Suzie said.

"She threw Max a hundred yards into the woods," Sean said thinking about what could happen to him. The chances of coming up with a good answer was somewhere between none and none.

"You already told me that," Suzie said wanting to hear what he had to say.

"She's the prettiest Dwarf that I've ever seen," Sean said realizing that there was no way to duck the question now that it had been asked.

"How many female Dwarves have you seen?"

"One," Sean answered. "You're the prettiest human woman on the planet and I've seen a lot of human women."

Suzie grinned at his save and said, "Mom is wrong. You aren't entirely witless."

"Thanks, I think," Sean said feeling like he had ducked a painful death.

"So what happened after Clea threw Max into the woods?"

Sean said, "He crawled back and Chom threw him back into the woods."

"They must like tossing people in the woods," Suzie said she looked around to see if she could spot the Dwarves.

"I think so," Sean said.

"Definitely," said a voice from the woods. Sean couldn't tell if it was Chom or Pip.

Suzie turned to face the source of the voices, but still didn't see anyone. She asked, "Do they always hide like that?"

"I have no idea," Sean answered. He did know that they enjoyed making life tough for him.

Suzie asked, "So what happened after the Dwarves finished tossing Max into the woods?"

"They offered to give me a gift of magic in trade for some silver. I gave them some of my coin collection and they gave me the ability to control objects," Sean answered.

"So you can now control objects," Suzie said.

"Within limits," Sean added.

"So you can't control me?" Suzie said.

Sean was about to answer that she weighed too much and then realized how that would sound.

He had already skated onto thin ice and there was no reason to start jumping up and down on it. He said, "Only objects that weigh less than a couple of ounces."

"Oh," Suzie said thinking about it. She said, "The puppet weighs more than a few ounces."

"The strings don't. I was controlling the strings," Sean answered.

"Clever," Suzie said.

Sean said, "That is what I was doing out here. I was experimenting with the gift of magic in a place where I wouldn't be caught."

"I caught you," Suzie said stating the obvious.

"Blah, blah, blah. I'm getting tired of all this talk. Is he ever going to bugger her?"

Sean shouted, "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"No."

Still trying to spot the Dwarves, Suzie said, "I don't ever recall reading in any of the fairy tales that Dwarves were perverted voyeurs."

Sean was quiet for a moment and then asked, "What do you know about Brownies?"

"Why?" she asked.

"I talked to one the other day," Sean answered.

"The Brownies are back? Now that is good news," one of the Dwarves said.



-------

Chapter 10


Sean and Suzie talked for a long time out in the woods. Of course, Suzie was very curious about the kinds of things that Sean could do with his magic. She asked a thousand questions, the majority of which Sean could only answer, "I don't know." He didn't mind the questions and actually found them quite insightful. As a result of them, he had about a hundred experiments to perform.

After one suggestion from Suzie, Sean tied a little piece of string to the controller of the puppet and he was able to get it to walk around without being supported by the tree. Sean enjoyed having the puppet perform for an appreciative audience. After that little bit of experimentation was over, Suzie said, "That was amazing."

"Thanks. It is hard coordinating all of those movements," Sean said.

"Well, the puppet proves that you can use a small thing to move around heavier things," Suzie said.

"That's true. Want to tie some strings around your wrists and ankles?" Sean asked.

"No. You'll make me walk like a goose or something," Suzie said.

"I wouldn't do that," Sean said. He had been imaging having her perform a sexy dance.

Suzie laughed and said, "Knowing you, you'll probably make me strip or something."

Sean blushed and replied, "No."

"Right," Suzie said. She looked at her watch and said, "I better get back to the house. Are you still coming over to swim after lunch?"

"Yes," Sean answered.

"Great, I'll see you after lunch," Suzie said. She leaned over and kissed him.

A voice from the woods said, "Finally. I thought they would never get to the good stuff. Maybe they'll start rubbing bodies soon."

Suzie looked in the direction from which the voice came and said, "Not in the woods."

Disappointed, Sean said, "There's nothing to see here."

"I'll admit that you're not much to look at, but the nymph is pretty pleasing to the eyes."

"He's definitely not worth looking at. She's a different matter all together."

Sean rolled his eyes and said, "Maybe I should walk you home."

"Good idea," Suzie said. She looked around trying to spot the Dwarves.

Sean picked up the puppet and put it back into the box. He took Suzie's hand and said, "Let's go."

The pair walked back to the path. It wasn't actually that far. At the path to her house, she kissed him a second time. Sean decided that he could really get into kissing. He watched her walk to her house. Only after she disappeared from view did he turn towards his house.

Entering the house, Sean went into the living room and held out the box with the puppet for his sister to take. He said, "I found this in the garage."

"What is it?" Lily asked looking at the box.

Sean grinned and said, "It is our older brother."

"What?" Lily asked jumping back a little.

After opening the box, Sean pulled out the puppet and held it up for her to see. He said, "See. His name is BB."

"Oh. It's a puppet," Lily said reaching out for it. She asked, "What kind of name is BB?"

"Big Brother," Sean answered giving her the puppet.

Rolling her eyes, Lily said, "That's great. Now I can tell everyone at school that one of my brothers is a clown and the other is a puppet."

"What does that make you?" Sean asked raising an eyebrow.

Without missing a beat, Lily answered, "The smart one of the family."

"I walked into that one," Sean said shaking his head.

"I'd say that you hit that one running," his mother said from behind him.

Sean turned and flashed a smile at his mother. He said, "I'm just giving her opportunities to practice her rapier-like wit so that she can survive dealing with you and Dad."

"Isn't that like how football players use tackling dummies during football practice?" his mother asked.

"Yes," Sean answered.

Lily said, "It sure is nice of you to help the football players train."

"Are you sure that you're only eight?" Sean asked surprised at her comment.

"Quite sure," Lily answered. "Are you sure that you're eighteen?"

"Play with the puppet," Sean said shaking his head.

"Lunch will be ready soon," his mother announced.

"I can't believe that it is lunchtime and I haven't been to the store yet," Sean said.

His mother said, "I could send you there for something if you insist."

"No. I'm fine lounging around the house," Sean said realizing that he hadn't done that much lounging.

"I'm not sure that I'm fine with that," his mother said with a smile.

After eating lunch, Sean went to his bedroom and sat down at his desk to think about his morning. It appeared that the Brownies had cleaned the garage during the night. He had learned some important lessons about his gift of magic. He had been discovered using magic by Susie; something that could have destroyed his new relationship with her.

He smiled as he thought about Suzie. At least she had taken the news about his magical power well. She hadn't freaked out or declared him a freak. Maybe the Dwarves had brought up things he would rather have not discussed, but he felt that their unseen presence had taken some of the edge off of the story. At least she had enjoyed the puppet show.

He wondered why his mother had stopped sending him to the store. It was even stranger that Mrs. Emery had stopped hovering over him and Suzie like a vulture over road kill. He was convinced now that they had been trying to keep him and Suzie apart. All of sudden they didn't care anymore. In fact, they had gone out of their way to throw them together with that surprising dinner the previous evening.

He glanced at the clock and thought about how much time had to pass before he would be heading over to swim at her house. He was looking forward to spending the afternoon with her. He thought about her in her one piece swimming suit. While it was true that it didn't show much skin, it definitely showed off her figure. By all standards that Sean knew; she had a great figure. His eyes were drawn to the drawer of his night table while his mind entertained thoughts involving the rubbers that were stored in the drawer.

Suzie didn't wear the one piece swimming suit that afternoon. She wore the skimpy little thing that barely qualified as a bathing suit. Upon seeing her, Sean discovered that it was possible to drown in a swimming pool in which he could stand. All of his appendages except for the one between his legs had suddenly stopped working.

The closer Suzie got to him, the worse his condition became. His tongue and mouth stopped working as well. As she approached, he complimented her swimsuit, "Blug blab dab dub."

"What?" Suzie asked.

"Dingle blurry brab blub," Sean said wondering how 'You look real good, ' came out sounding like the noises issuing from his mouth.

Looking at him, Suzie asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yeth," Sean said concentrating on getting his mouth to work.

"You don't look okay," Suzie said noticing that he was swaying from one side to the other. He looked like he was about to faint.

"Yeah."

"Do you like the bathing suit?" Suzie asked while adjusting the straps to her top.

"Yub," Sean answered swearing that he had caught a glimpse of her aureole when she had adjusted her top. All of the blood fled from his brain.

She looked at the expression on his face and burst out laughing. She said, "You're so funny."

"Yab," Sean answered.

She went to hug him and jumped back when she was poked by something. Looking down at him through the water, she realized what had poked her. A little embarrassed, but satisfied that her swimsuit had the desired effect, she said, "You must really like it."

"Blathder," Sean answered wishing that his mouth would start working again.

Curious, she reached down in the water and said, "You must really like it."

Sean dropped like a rock the moment her hand touched him. There just wasn't enough blood left in his brain to process her touch and remain standing. Realizing that he was about to drown, Suzie grabbed him and pulled his head above water. She towed him over to the stairs wondering how she was going to get him out of the water.

Her mother chose that moment to come out the back door. She took one look at the situation and grinned. She remembered a similar situation when she was about Suzie's age. She said, "I told you that suit would kill him."

Struggling to keep his head above water, Suzie said, "Help me get him out of the water."

It was about that time when Sean realized that Suzie's mother was there. The thought that she would send him to the vet upon seeing his erection had the effect of redirecting the flow of blood away from that particular organ. His brain cleared up a little. He managed to get his feet under him and stood up. He said, "I'm better now."

"Can you stand?" Suzie asked taking a small step backwards.

Sean turned to her to answer when he noticed that her top had shifted a bit. Considering that there wasn't much material to start with, the slightest shift in suit exposed a lot to view. Even the threat of the vulture taking him to the vet was not enough to stop the reaction. In horror, the only words that escaped from his mouth were, "I no want snip snip."

Mrs. Emery laughed at the obvious panic on his face and wondered what was suddenly responsible for it. She looked at Suzie and saw the reason. She grinned and said, "Fix your top."

Looking down, Suzie turned scarlet upon seeing what she was showing the world. She quickly covered up and turned away from Sean. She had wanted to get his interest, but not show everything. Adjusting the little patches of cloth, she said, "No wonder he's acting that way."

Sean survived the afternoon of swimming. It took some time, but his reaction to her bathing suit finally abated to the point where they could splash around in the water without him drowning. Much to his surprise, the vulture barely put in an appearance the entire afternoon. He didn't trust it. He reached home with the worst case of blue balls in his entire life.

At home, he stopped by the bathroom to take care of his problem before going into his bedroom. Once there, he considered his situation. It seemed like a lot of things had happened in the past few weeks. He had gained a magic power and he had gotten a girlfriend. Those were two pretty big things, but it seemed to him like there had been a lot of little changes that added up to a lot. His mother had stopped asking him to make a dozen trips to the store every day.

He went to his money drawer and looked at the amount of money it held. In a year he was going to need some gold to get another magic power. He went to the web and looked up the price of gold. With his money, he could get a little more than five ounces of gold. He had no idea what that magic power would be, but he figured it would be just about as useful as the one he currently had. It was nice, but not all that useful. What had once looked like a lot of money didn't look like all that all that much.

Frowning, he sat back in his chair thinking about it. He had planned to use his money to buy a used car. Now that he was dating Suzie, he wanted to get the car sooner rather than later. His mother very seldom let him use her car. His father never let him use his car since it was a company car and only authorized drivers could use it. He sighed and said, "I guess there's no way around it; I've got to get a job. Maybe Sam at the store will give me a good reference."

Lily bounced into his bedroom and said, "Mom says that dinner is ready."

"Okay," Sean said getting up from his seat. Lily was already headed to the table by the time he reached the door of his room.

Feeling good about his decision to find a job, Sean joined his family in the dining room. Looking at the table, he was pleased to see that they were having Ukrainian Cabbage. This was a nice dish that had cabbage stuffed with rice and cooked in tomato juice. While taking a seat, he said, "I'm going to look for a job tomorrow."

"A job? You're going to work?" his mother asked surprised by his announcement.

Shrugging his shoulders, Sean answered, "Now that I'm dating Suzie, I figure that I'll need a little money."

"That's a good idea," his mother said staring at him.

"I think I'd like to get a car, too," he said glancing over at his father. His father didn't look surprised by that little announcement.

"Oh," his mother said suddenly feeling a little old.

Frowning, Sean asked, "Are you feeling okay?"

"She just realized that her little boy is all grown up," his father said in a rather paternal tone of voice.

"You don't say?" Sean asked looking at his mother. He figured that the theatrics were going to start any minute.

His mother made a gesture as if wiping a tear from her eye. Theatrically, she said, "Oh woe is me. My little itty bitty baby boy has growed up."

"Aw," Sean said with the barest hint of sympathy in his voice.

Lily looked over at her father and asked, "Is growed even a word?"

"It is, but only because your mother used it," her father answered.

His mother wiped a hand across her forehead and said, "He has a girl friend who wants to steal him away from his dear dear mother. Now he wants a job and a car in which he can make his great escape from this loving home that I've created for him. Before you know it, he'll have a career and will move into a place of his own. I'll be left behind suffering from an empty nest syndrome.

"That is just the beginning of my personal tragedy. Soon he'll be getting married and fathering yard apes of his own. I'll be a grandmother years before my time. I'll spend all of my money spoiling them rotten, but he won't care about my financial health. He'll drive me into bankruptcy by producing more children than I can afford to spoil.

"He'll forget all about me when I get old and wrinkled. My hair will turn gray, my arthritis will act up, and I'll shrink as my bones disintegrate. He'll laugh when I'm eating cat food while I'm trying to live off the pittance that is my pension. Cast off by the children for whom I've given the best years of my life, I'll disappear into the house surrounded by a dozen cats. I'll die and no one will know."

Lily was clapping her hands and saying, "Bravo. That was a great rant."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Sean said with a grin.

"You heartless beast," his mother said shaking her head.

Clearing his throat, his father looked across the table. He asked, "Where do I fit in that picture?"

"You don't. I'll be a widow," she answered.

His father considered her answer before he said, "That's pretty poor planning on your part."

"Is Dad going to die?" Lily asked. She wasn't really worried. They had similar conversations about once a week or so.

His father answered, "No."

Sean said, "He'll be around for a long time."

"That's right, Lily. It will take me a long time to come up with a perfect plan for getting rid of him," his mother said smiling at her husband sweetly. He gave her an air kiss in reply.

Lily took a bite of the food and grimaced. She spit her food out on the plate. Looking at her mother, she said, "I think your days of planning have come to an end. This food is going to kill us all."

"Huh?" her mother said.

His father took a taste of the cabbage and shook his head. He tried to swallow it, but with little success. He spit it out in his napkin. With a little more enthusiasm than was probably healthy for a good subservient husband, he said, "She's right. This is perfectly horrible."

"What?" his mother asked. She looked at Sean to see his reaction to the meal.

Sean threw his hands up in the air and said, "I am not going to taste it until after you try it."

His mother took a bite of the dish and grimaced. She managed to force it down. Pasting a false smile on her face, she said, "That's pretty good. Try some, Sean."

"You're not fooling me," Sean said pushing his plate away.

While poking the cabbages with his fork, his father said, "I think the tomato juice must have gone bad or something."

His mother looked a little embarrassed. She said, "I may have tried a little variation in the recipe."

"Like what?" Lily asked.

"It is all Sean's fault," his mother said pointing at Sean with her thumb and ignoring Lily's question.

"My fault?" Sean asked looking stunned by the charge. He looked around the table and asked, "How was it my fault? What did I do?"

His father asked, "What did he do?"

"He's been doing the shopping for so long that I had a few problems at the grocery store," his mother answered.

"Huh?" Sean asked with a puzzled expression on his face. He said, "You were the one sending me to the store."

Not deterred by her mother's avoidance of her question, Lily asked, "What kind of variation did you try?"

Looking rather embarrassed, his mother answered, "I may have used Clamato juice instead of tomato juice."

Sean laughed and said, "That's the tomato juice with clam juice in it."

"Clam juice and cabbage?" Lily asked staring at the food on her plate. She couldn't imagine anyone thinking that it would be a good combination.

Sean's father laughed out loud and said, "That's disgusting."

"It sounds like a toxic brew to me," Sean said with a grin.

"Hey, it looked like tomato juice," Sean's mother said. She had been a little overwhelmed by the variety of items at the grocery store. She said, "It is all Sean's fault."

"My fault?" Sean asked again.

"Yes, it is all your fault and you must be punished," his mother said.

Knocking on the table, Sean said, "I demand a trial."

His father said, "So noted. The accused has requested a trial."

Rising from her chair, Lily said, "All rise for Judge Dad!"

Everyone stood until Sean's father said, "You may be seated."

Everyone took a seat. Rubbing her hands together excitedly, Lily said, "This is going to be good."

Sean's father asked, "Sean, do you want representation?"

"No, Judge Dad."

Lily rolled her eyes and said, "That's a big mistake."

"So noted," his father said. He turned to look at his wife and said, "Would the prosecutor please state the charges against the defendant?"

Sean's mother pointed a finger a Sean and said, "The defendant did knowingly create tonight's meal disaster."

"How does the accused plead?" Judge Dad asked while looking at Sean.

"Not guilty," Sean answered.

"So noted. The accused pleads not guilty to the heinous crime of ruining tonight's dinner. Will the prosecutor state her case against the defendant?"

"The defendant undertook numerous trips to the store over the past few years. He did so for the express purpose of leading his poor mother into a state of confusion when she finally went shopping," his mother said.

"How did he do that?" Judge Dad asked.

"By preventing me from going to the store for such a long period of time, I was faced with a variety of unfamiliar goods when I finally went grocery shopping. Bewildered by the vast array of similar products, it was inevitable that I would err and chose the wrong item. That lead to this disastrous dinner," his mother said trying to look like a pitiful victim.

"That is very serious matter. You are saying that he intentionally confused you."

"That is correct."

Lily looked over at Sean and said, "Your goose is cooked. She's using the child confused the parent attack. You better come up with a good defense."

Sean's father turned to look at Sean and asked, "What does the accused have to say in his defense?"

"I did no such thing," Sean answered.

Lily laughed and said, "That's a real good defense. You'll hang for sure. It is not too late to request a lawyer."

Deciding that his sister was probably right, Sean said, "I request a lawyer."

Raising her hand, Lily said, "I volunteer to be his lawyer."

Smiling, his mother raised her hand and said, "I should be his lawyer. With my greater experience, I'll be able to mount a much better defense on his behalf."

"I object! She can't do that. She's the prosecutor," Sean said pointing at his mother. He had fallen for that trick once when he was a lot smaller.

"Objection sustained," Judge Dad said. He looked over at his wife and shook a finger at her while he said, "That was very sneaky. He could have actually fallen for it."

"I'll have attorney Lily defend me," Sean said.

"So noted," Sean's father said. He looked at Lily and said, "Present the defense for your client, attorney Lily."

Lily said, "He's not smart enough to create such a twisted plan."

"Hey," Sean said.

"That is a much better defense," Sean's father said.

"Thank you," Lily said taking a bow.

Sean's mother said, "A pretense of stupidity is not a defense. Even a broken clock is right twice a day."

Upon hearing the broken clock argument, Lily said, "Oh no. This really looks bad for you, Sean."

"I agree," Sean said. Shaking his head, he said, "I've never won against the broken clock argument."

Judge Dad asked, "Does the defense have any further arguments?"

"The defense rests, Judge Dad," Lily said.

Sean looked at his father and asked, "What's the verdict?"

"Guilty as charged," his father answered with a grin.

"What's my punishment?" Sean asked.

His father answered, "You have to choose the restaurant we eat at tonight."

"That's a horrible punishment," Sean said trying to look miserable.

Sean's mother said, "He's getting off too easy."

"There are only two restaurants in town," Lily said. "It is either surf and turf or the diner."

"Hmm, tough choice," Sean's father said knowing what Sean was going to pick.

Sean said, "Since clams are the subject of today's disaster, there's only one reasonable choice."

"Surf and turf," Lily shouted.

"That's right," Sean said with a grin.

"So noted," Judge Dad said while knocking on the table. Rising from his seat, he said, "Let's head over to the Surf and Turf."



-------

Chapter 11


Under the insistent and irritating prodding of his little sister, Sean was up bright and early. After a breakfast of cereal, he went out to the garage to finish cleaning it up. His plan for the day was to finish the garage and then search for a job. He opened the garage door and stared at what he found inside. The garage was spotless. Someone had cleaned up the workbench, swept the floor, and dusted all of the test equipment. Sean muttered, "I hope the job hunt goes this well."

Rather than head back into the house, he puttered around the garage checking out the little storage bins. Even the contents of the bins had been organized with little dividers between different nuts, bolts, and screws. It was too nice and he was sure that no one would believe that he did it. He wondered how he would explain it.

With no one around, Sean decided that it would be interesting to try one more little experiment with his magic powers. He picked up one of the cleaning rags from the neat stack on the workbench and went over to one of the pieces of test equipment. He looked down at the rag and ordered it to move the piece of equipment a quarter inch away from the wall. The rag flew up and around to the back of the piece of equipment. A few seconds later the piece of equipment had moved out a quarter of an inch.

Sean grinned on seeing the equipment move. He ordered the rag to move the piece of equipment back to where it had been. The rag quickly accomplished the task. Sean raised a fist in the air and shouted, "Yes!"

He ordered the rag to fly back to the stack where he had found it. Sitting on the piece of equipment, Sean considered all of the things that he had discovered about his magic gift. He could launch marbles like bullets, flatten cans to aluminum foil thickness, move things around with string, and push heavy objects with a rag. He said, "Maybe this magic is a little more useful than I had been thinking."

Looking around the garage, Sean realized that there were a lot of lightweight things in it that could be very useful in an emergency. He went over to the little storage bins and removed a small collection of nails and screws. He wasn't sure why he had selected them, but figured that they might come in useful at some point in time.

He looked at the nuts and realized that he could launch them with the same effectiveness as the marbles. He grabbed a few of them while he was there. The big bolts were too heavy for him to control, but he took one along anyway.

He went over to the rag and picked it up. He looked at it and realized that he could probably use a couple of them. He went through the stack and picked out another one that was light enough to control. He figured that he could probably lift something flexible by using a couple of the rags at a time to provide several points of support.

He looked around the workbench and spotted a couple of spindles with wire. He cut off some sections of wire and wound them into a coil thinking that wire would probably be able to resist stresses better than string. He knew that he could order the wire to tie a knot around something and then by controlling the wire that he would be able to control whatever item to which it was attached.

He noticed a small container with razor blades in it. He took one of the razor blades and ordered it to cut a small notch into a scrap of wood. He grinned at the result and added the small container to his collection of stuff. His pile was getting rather substantial.

Deciding that he had found enough stuff, he started putting it into his pockets. When he had managed to shove the last item in his pocket, he looked down and said, "I need more pockets."

He had just finished puttering around the garage when his mother came out. She looked at it and said, "Wow. You've really been hard at work."

"I can't take all of the credit," Sean said thinking that the Brownies must have cleaned up the garage overnight.

"Who helped you?" she asked.

"I'm not sure," Sean answered not wanting to tell her what he suspected. He figured that was a good way to end up in the hospital with Max. Just thinking about Max made him feel a little guilty.

His mother gave him a little love tap against the bag of his head and said, "Don't go all modest on me now. I taught you to boast and brag better than that."

"Yes, mother," Sean said. He looked down at the ground as if ashamed of his behavior and said, "I'll try harder to be an obnoxious braggart."

"That's better." She looked over the garage one more time and then asked, "What are you going to do now?"

"I figured I'd get cleaned up and change into some good clothes. I'll head into town and see if there are any jobs around," Sean answered.

"You're really serious about getting a job," his mother said.

"That's right," Sean said. He looked at his mother's car and said, "I'd really like to get a car so that I can take Suzie on real dates. The nearest movie theatre is over in Bigton."

"I understand," his mother said understanding what he really wanted with a car. She grinned and said, "Of course it is all about going to the movie theater. The idea of parking some big old car in an out of the way place and necking for hours at a time never crossed your mind."

"Never," Sean said innocently.

"I'm sure of that. You even hate the idea of getting poor innocent Suzie alone where her mother or I can't protect her from your evil male lustful urges," she said.

"You're right. That is a most despicable idea. I really and truly hate the idea of my evil male lustful urges being unleashed in her direction," Sean said looking away.

"Quite despicable," his mother said watching him squirm. She added, "You've even forgotten all about that box of rubbers in the drawer by your bed."

"Oh, is that where I put them?" Sean asked scratching his cheek. He knew exactly where the box of condoms was located.

"Right," his mother said.

Thinking that it was a good time to change the subject, Sean said, "I had better get ready to find a job."

Watching him leave the garage, his mother thought about what the future held for him. Calling out to him, she said, "Oh Sean."

He stopped and turned to look at his mother. He asked, "What?"

His mother said, "Make sure that her first time is nice. Don't do it in the backseat of a car or out in the woods."

"Yes, Mom," Sean said rather surprised by what she said. In none of his fantasies had he considered where Suzie and he did the deed.

"Go find a job," his mother said while making a shooing gesture towards the house. It was so hard to believe that he was growing up to be a man. One more year of high school and he'd be headed off to college. She sighed and watched him make his way to the house.

Sean left the path and stopped next to the convenience store while debating where to go first. Although it had only been two days since he had visited the place, it felt much longer than that. He shrugged his shoulders and went in to get a soda. Sam looked up from the car magazine he was reading and said, "Oh, it is you. I thought you were dead or something."

"Sorry to disappoint you, but you're not that lucky," Sean answered while making his way to where the cold soft drinks were held.

"You can say that again. I've got this miserable job that has me working ten hours a day four days a week. At least it beats cooking fries over at the Dairy King," Sam said. He had done that for one week the previous summer and hated the job. He had quit after nearly passing out from the heat.

"I'm looking for a job," Sean called out while grabbing a cold can of soda.

"Good luck. There aren't many jobs around except at the Dairy King," Sam said.

The Dairy King was basically a kitchen with windows where people ordered their food and ate at the picnic tables scattered under some trees. It was the only fast food place in town and a lot of the local kids hung out there during the heat of the day during summer. It wasn't exactly cool, but the ice cream and drinks were cold. Sean said, "I'll check it out."

Sam said, "Don't bother going there unless you're a masochist. It is a real hell hole. The kitchen is not air conditioned. You'll burn up in there."

Sean shrugged his shoulders and said, "I really need a job."

"Look everywhere else first," Sam said.

"I'll do that," Sean said handing over his bill to pay for the soft drink.

Sam rang up the sale and gave Sean his change. Sean opened the drink and asked, "Do you need anyone to work here?"

"No. The owner has all of the shifts covered," Sam answered leaning against the counter and crossing his arm. He said, "He's got seven people working here and he covers when someone is sick or on vacation."

"I guess I knew that," Sean said. He knew everyone who worked in the store.

"I'm sure you know it as often as you used to come in," Sam said with a grin.

"I guess those days are over," Sean said.

"What happened?"

Sean answered, "My mom started shopping again."

"She was sending you here all those times?" Sam asked secretly pleased to discover the motivation behind all of those frequent trips to the store. He had no idea that he could have just asked and Sean would have told him.

"Yeah," Sean answered. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "It was her way of keeping me out of trouble."

"There are better ways to do that," Sam said with a laugh. He grinned and said, "My mother used to give me a ton of errands every week, had me work a part-time job, and enrolled me in all kinds of sports programs."

"That's too much work. It was easier to send me to the store to get one item at a time," Sean said. He took a sip of his soft drink.

"You're probably right," Sam said. He looked over a Sean and said, "Someone was telling me that you were named after 007."

"That's right," Sean said.

"I hate to ask the obvious question, but shouldn't your name be James?" Sam asked. He had been curious about it ever since a couple of kids were talking about Sean and calling him Double O Zero.

"My mother says that Sean Connery was 007. It is her opinion that James Bond was nothing more than an alias he used because it sounded so suave to say, James ... James Bond. Sean ... Sean Connery, doesn't have the same pizzazz. I tend to agree. I've tried it and it fell rather flat," Sean said. He posed and said, "Sean ... Sean Connery Michaels at your service."

"You're right," Sam said.

"I've thought about adopting the alias, Jack Stone. Now that sounds really cool when you introduce yourself," Sean said, "Jack ... Jack Stone — man of action at your service."

"Man of action?" Sam asked with raised eyebrows.

"That sounds a whole lot better than man of indecision," Sean answered.

"You can say that again," Sam said chuckling.

Sean shrugged and said, "I can't adopt the alias until I become a secret agent. Right now, I'm just plain old Sean Connery Michaels, Double O Zero."

"What did your dad think of you getting named after the actor?"

"My dad didn't object to the Sean Connery name. He agreed that the other actors who played the role were pretenders. Like I said, Mom thinks that Sean Connery was Double O Seven," Sean said.

"What does your mother think of the new Bond film?" Sam asked.

"She hasn't seen the newest one yet. We have to wait for the DVD to come out," Sean answered.

"Why?"

"She got thrown out of the theatre while watching the previous one because she making comments about the actor and throwing pop corn at the screen. She's been banned from watching Bond films at the theater," Sean said. He would have been embarrassed, but he tended to agree with her opinion on the matter.

Sam chuckled and said, "Your mother sounds like a real piece of work."

"She's something else again," Sean said with a grin. It seemed that the whole town agreed that the only one stranger than the Michaels boy was the Michaels woman. Not that there was any official contest or anything, but there was something comforting about knowing that you were in the top two of something. He said, "I guess I better get out there and look for a job."

Sean took another sip of his drink. Sam said, "If you do take a job over at the Dairy King, try to get the late shift. It is a little cooler. You might be able to last a week."

"I'll take what I can get," Sean said finishing his drink. He paused and asked, "Or should that be I'll get what I can take?"

Sam said, "Would you like some job hunting advice?"

"Sure," Sean said.

"Don't start any weird conversations during the interview," Sam said.

Sean frowned and asked, "What kind of weird conversations?"

"You know, talking about things like spending all your spare time studying your navel," Sam answered.

"How else should one spend their spare time? Studying their toes?" Sean asked with a grin. When Sam snorted, Sean added, "Did you know that scientists actually think that people are going to evolve so that they lose their little toe? I figure if that is true, then the next toe will be the little toe and we'll lose that one too. Before you know it, people will be toeless and no one will be able to count to twenty. Civilization will collapse."

"That's exactly what I mean," Sam said shaking his head.

"Okay, I'll try not to talk about any weird subjects," Sean said. He tossed his empty soda can into the trash can and said, "I better go look for a job."

"Have fun," Sam said. He watched as Sean left the store. Smiling, he said, "He probably should have gone to the bathroom before heading out. He's going to have to piss after drinking that soda."

The Dairy King had been constructed in the fifties before the interstate highways had spanned the country. At the time it had been built, the little state highway that passed in front of the building had been a major thoroughfare. For the first decade, the shop had done a tremendous amount of business. That was a long time in the past. Since then, it had declined a lot.

When Sean reached the bathroom, he discovered that bathrooms had fared worse than the rest of the building. It was almost enough to make him want to wait until he returned to his house. Standing in front of the toilet that was constantly running he looked around and said, "I bet my first job will be to clean this up."

Five minutes later, Sean was standing in front of Mr. Catchums, the owner of the Dairy King. Mr. Catchums was a rail thin man with a pencil thin mustache. He was wearing white pants and a tee-shirt. The little white paper cap on his head was almost transparent from the sweat. Surprised at having someone knocking on the back door, Mr. Catchums asked, "What do you want?"

Sean answered, "I'm looking a job."

"You want to work here?" Mr. Catchums asked looking at Sean. The last kid he had hired lasted two whole days before quitting. The last kid who had applied for a job had left after five minutes in the kitchen. It had been three weeks since anyone had even come in looking for a job.

"Yes, sir," Sean said. Mr. Catchums didn't look all that convinced. Sean added, "I've always wanted to work in a fast food place. It's been a dream of mine ever since I was a wee lad. When I was small, I used to stand in front of the mirror and practice my lines. Would you like some fries with that burger? Can I supersize it for you? Is that to go or for here?"

"Are you okay in the head, boy?" Mr. Catchums asked. He was pretty sure that the kid wasn't suffering from heat stroke yet. He'd only been in the kitchen for three minutes.

"Yes, sir," Sean answered deciding that his little embellishment of the truth hadn't worked as well as he had hoped.

"Are you sure that you want to work here?"

"I heard that it was a hell of a place to work," Sean answered thinking that this had to be the hottest place in town.

Mr. Catchums laughed at that. Shaking his head, he asked, "Who told you that?"

"Everyone," Sean answered.

"What's your name?"

"Sean Connery Michaels."

Mr. Catchums said, "Ah, you're the Michaels boy. That explains everything."

"I wasn't aware that anything, much less everything, needed explaining," Sean said.

"You are just like your mother, kid," Mr. Catchums said with a grin. He had gone to school with Sean's mother. There was a little history with Sean's father.

"I'm not sure who will be more dismayed by that comparison, me or her," Sean said.

"You're hired," Mr. Catchums said. "When can you start?"

"Right now," Sean answered.

Mr. Catchums said, "Go home and change into blue jeans and a tee-shirt. Your clothes will get ruined."

"Yes, sir," Sean said.

Sean returned after forty minutes ready for his first day of work. Mr. Catchums was more than a little surprised to see him return. Mr. Catchums said, "First, I need you to clean the toilets."

"I knew it. I practiced my lines all the way home and back. Can I help you sir? Would you like fries with that burger? Would you like a burger with those fries? Is that for here or to go? So what happens? He asks me to clean the bathrooms," Sean said slapping the side of his head with his hand.

"I hired you as a cook, not as a waitress," Mr. Catchums said.

Sean said, "I would like to remind you that I have all of the equipment necessary to be a waiter."

"Then quit bitchin' like a girl and get to work," Mr. Catchums said gesturing towards the back of the building.

Loaded down with a bucket, mop, sponge, towel, and a large bottle of disinfectant, Sean entered the bathroom ready to do battle with years of collected dirt. He closed and locked the door behind him. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to see what he was about to do. He filled the bucket with hot water and poured in a bunch of the cleaning liquid. He held up the sponge and said, "Get to work. Clean this room from top to bottom."

The sponge dived into the water and emerged a second later. It flew over the surfaces giving them a cleaning that defied physics. Sean crossed his arms and leaned against the door watching the sponge do its thing. He said, "This sure is hard work."

After about five minutes, Sean looked at the pail of water and nearly choked when he saw that the water had turned into some kind of sludge. He dumped the water out and refilled the pail. He added more cleanser to the water just in time for the sponge to take a dive into the pail. The water turned a pale gray.

Sean stepped back to see how the sponge had been doing. It turned out that all of the tiles in the room were blue. He said, "I've been coming here for years and never knew this room was blue. I wonder if Mr. Catchums knows that."

When the sponge went after the toilet, Sean was shocked to discover that the gray porcelain bowl wasn't gray or white. It was actually a light baby blue. He stared at the toilet bowl and said, "Who in their right mind would even think to create a baby blue toilet bowl? I could understand green or yellow, but blue?"

By the time the sponge had finished cleaning the last little surface, there wasn't much left of it. It had worn itself out scrubbing the surfaces of the room. Sean ordered it to the fly into the trashcan. He'd have to carry that out to empty it, but that wasn't too horrible. The sponge had cleaned the outside of the trashcan.

Sean went into the kitchen where Mr. Catchums was cleaning the grill. He watched him for a second and said, "I need another sponge and some more cleanser."

"I thought you had quit," Mr. Catchums said. He figured after an hour had passed without Sean returning that he had just walked off in disgust.

"I just finished the men's room. You might want to check it out," Sean said.

Considering that it was a slow time at the place, Mr. Catchums went out to check out the men's room. He came back five minutes later and said, "I didn't know it was blue."

"To tell the truth, I was quite surprised," Sean said. He paused and then asked, "I haven't gotten to the women's room yet. Do you think it might be pink?"

"Could be," Mr. Catchums said scratching his head. He had been very shocked by the state of the bathroom. He wondered how Sean had managed to get it that clean in only an hour.

"I'm going to need another sponge and some more cleanser," Sean said.

Mr. Catchums went to the register and pulled out a couple of bills. He handed them to Sean and said, "Go over to the convenience store and buy what you need. Bring back a receipt."

"Yes, sir," Sean said. He stood up a little straighter and said, "I've only been on the job one hour and I'm already the head of purchasing."

Mr. Catchum chuckled and said, "Get out of here."

"Yes, sir," Sean said heading out the back door.

The trip down the street to the convenience store passed without incident. Sean entered the store and said, "Hello Sam."

"You're back here again?" Sam asked.

"Yes, I've to go buy some cleaning supplies," Sean said.

"Did you find a job?"

Nodding his head, Sean said, "Yes, I did. I'm now a proud employee of Dairy King."

Sam snickered and said, "You're a proud employee of Dairy King. Aren't you forgetting that I worked there for a week last summer?"

"I did not forget that you once worked there. I have a mind like a steel trap," Sean said tapping the side of his head with a finger.

Sam said, "You should have asked for stainless steel. I think yours has rusted shut."

"Not at all. I use WD-50 to keep my steel trap free of rust," Sean said.

"That's WD-40," Sam said.

"WD-40 has hydrocarbons in it. You spray that on your mind and you'll be seeing things emerging from the walls. WD-50 is organic," Sean said.

"There's no such thing as WD-50," Sam said realizing what he was arguing about. He grimaced and asked, "How do I keep getting sucked into these weird discussions?"

"I don't know, but you should really be careful when you talk to people. They are liable to get the wrong idea about you," Sean said tapping his temple with his index finger.

"Me?"

Posing dramatically and holding a finger up in the air, Sean said, "As much as I would love to stay here and talk to you all day, I've got a bathroom to clean. I must return to the Dairy King."



-------

Chapter 12


Sean was tempted to stop by Suzie's house on the way home from work, but after being in the hot kitchen at Dairy King for a couple of hours he stank. It was so bad that even he could smell it. It was a mixture of grease and sweat that would have brought tears to Superman's eyes. It wasn't a mild little odor, but a true stench that was capable of killing any mosquitoes that ventured too close to him.

Upon reaching the path to Suzie's house Sean stood there thinking about the beautiful woman at the other end of the path. He knew that no matter how much Suzie cared about him that one good sniff and she'd run for the hills. With a sigh, he continued on down the path towards his home. Rather than the lovely Suzie it was his mother at the end of that path.

Upon reaching his home, Sean stopped by the garden hose that snaked across the lawn. Looking down at it, he considered rinsing off before heading into the house. He knew that the smell was pretty bad. It would also feel pretty good to stand under the cool water after having spent the whole day in the kitchen. He stared at the hose for a full minute and then said, "Going in the house smelling like this would be too cruel. I should wash myself."

He looked through the kitchen window and saw that his mother was alone in the kitchen. He smiled and said, "After a hard day of work like that, I need a hug from my mother."

His mother was washing the dinner dishes so that they could be put in the dishwasher and washed once again. She took one whiff of the odor steaming off Sean and said, "Jesus, you stink. Did you run into a skunk on your way home?"

"No. That delightful odor is my new perfume. It is called Sean Au Natural," Sean answered giving the name of the perfume a French pronunciation.

"There's nothing natural about that odor. Go outside and use the hose before you come back in the house," she said pointing to the door. Tears were coming to her eyes and she was finding it hard to breath.

"It's not that bad. I expect to make millions off this perfume in the first day of sales," Sean said. He flapped his arms to help spread the smell through the kitchen.

"And you'll get sued for billions the very next day," his mother replied. Her voice was a little muffled by the dish towel that she was holding against her nose.

"Nay, the world will love it. It is organic," Sean said. He sniffed under his arms and attempted to keep a straight face despite his crossed eyes and the tears running down his cheeks.

"It will be banned under international law. Chemical weapons like that represent a crime against mankind," his mother said still holding the towel to her nose.

"I want a hug," Sean said advancing towards his mother with his arms held outstretched.

Backing away from him, she shouted, "Get away from me."

"Oh woe is me. I've been rejected by my own mother. What is this world coming to?" Sean asked as he shuffled towards the door. He did his best to look dejected.

"I don't know, but I want to live long enough to find out. One hug from you and I won't live to see the morning," his mother said.

"I'll keep that in mind," Sean said, "You never know when I'll need to knock off a meddling mother or two."

His mother said, "While you're at it, burn those clothes."

"I don't think this job will be very cost effective if I have to burn my clothes every day after work," Sean said.

"Okay. Take them off and put them in the washing machine. You'll wash them tonight," his mother said.

"Me?"

"You," she answered, "I'm not getting near them."

Outside, Sean stripped down to his underwear and turned on the hose. Although it was a shock to his system when the cold water hit his skin, the sudden cold felt heavenly. Wishing that he had a bar of soap, he did the best to wash off the accumulated sweat and grease. He figured that he would have to take a shower once he had dropped his clothes in the washer.

Sean returned to the house wearing nothing more than his white briefs and carrying his smelly clothes. Lily entered the kitchen and looked at Sean. She yelled, "Mom! Sean is a pervert."

"Of course he is, dear. All boys his age are perverts," his mother replied from the laundry room.

Sean grinned at his sister and held out the smelly clothes in her direction. He asked, "Do you want to take my clothes to the washing machine?"

Lily was close enough to smell the clothes. She looked at him and yelled, "Mom! Sean is trying to kill me."

"Of course he is, dear. He's on a murderous rampage," his mother said returning to the kitchen. She had been in the laundry making sure that the washing machine was empty of clothes. She looked at Sean and said, "You're getting the kitchen all wet."

"I didn't have a towel," Sean said shrugging his shoulders. Being wet was the least of his problems. He wasn't exactly comfortable standing around the kitchen wearing nothing more than his underwear.

"Stay there," his mother said. She looked over at Lily and said, "Get your brother a towel."

"Why me?" Lily asked wondering how she was suddenly getting roped into running errands.

"Because you're the smallest one here," his mother answered.

"That doesn't make sense," Lily said wrinkling her brow while she thought about it.

His mother said, "Of course it doesn't make sense. It is a state law and laws don't have to make sense."

"It is a state law?" Lily asked not sure that she believed the answer.

"Yes it is," his mother answered with a smile.

"Oh," Lily said. She headed down the hall to fetch a towel. She didn't want to violate a state law.

"We sure have some of the wackiest legislators in the country living in this state," Sean commented. His mother had used that excuse a thousand times on him. For about the first three times, it had actually worked.

"That's true. You never know what you're going to get when you vote for someone," his mother replied. Shaking her head, she said, "They passed a law the other day making it illegal for teenage boys to stand in the kitchen wearing only their underwear. You're in gross violation of the law."

"Oh that is horrible. I hate knowing that I'm violating some law. Maybe I should take off my underwear," Sean said.

"Then you will violate a dozen Federal statutes. You'll never get out of jail," she answered.

"I'll keep my underwear on and face the lesser charges. Are you going to call the police?" Sean asked.

His mother grinned and answered, "You did threaten me with bodily harm earlier by trying to hug me."

"Assault with deadly hug. I'll have to remember that," Sean said shaking his head.

"You better," his mother said.

Lily returned with the towel and held it for her mother to take. She said, "Here's the towel you wanted."

"Give it to your brother."

"No way am I going near those smelly old clothes," Lily said wrinkling her nose.

By this time, Sean was nearly dry. The same could not be said for the kitchen floor. He reached out and grabbed the towel. After running it over his body, he wrapped it around his waist and said, "I'll put the clothes in the washing machine."

"Use lots of bleach. They smell like something died in them," his mother said.

"That'll ruin my clothes," Sean said looking down at his blue jeans and tee-shirt imagining them becoming a pair of white jeans and a tie-dyed tee-shirt.

"They are already ruined. You'll just have to wear them when you go to work," his mother said.

"Yes, mother," Sean said. He went in the laundry room and dumped his clothes in the washing machine. After adding a bit of detergent and bleach, he turned on the washer.

After a long hot shower that required lots of soap, Sean entered the kitchen wearing his sweat pants and a tee shirt. He looked over at the table and saw that his mother had put out a serving of dinner. After cooking hamburgers the whole day, the last thing he had wanted to see was meatloaf. He sighed and sat down to eat his dinner. He cut a piece out of the meatloaf and ate it. Grousing, he said, "All I've seen, smelled, and eaten today is hamburger."

His father entered the kitchen and took a seat at the table. He said, "Your mother told me that you got a job at the Dairy King. How does it feel to be a working man?"

"Tiring," Sean answered dumping some ketchup on the meatloaf. He decided that it would be better to have a little ketchup on his meatloaf than to eat it plain.

His father laughed and said, "It will get better. With time you'll get promoted and will be able to make life miserable for others."

"I'm already the number two man in the place," Sean said with a slightly boastful tone in his voice.

"How did that happen?" his father asked surprised.

"Well, there are two of us working there and I'm not the top guy. If I understand my arithmetic correctly, that makes me the number two man," Sean said.

His father laughed and asked, "So how is Harvey?"

"Harvey who?" Sean asked puzzled by the question. He took a bite of his meatloaf and quickly wished that he hadn't.

"Harvey Catchums," his father answered.

"I didn't know that was his name," Sean said staring at the meatloaf.

"What do you call him?"

"Mr. Catchums," Sean answered.

"It is always a good idea to show your boss a little respect," his father said nodding his head in understanding. On thinking about it, he realized that he hadn't known the first name of his first boss until after working for him for a few months.

Sean smiled at his dad and said, "You and mom taught me to be polite and respectful of people. I'm always respectful."

"Is that what you call it?" his father asked with a laugh.

"Yes. I'm very respectful; especially when it comes to elderly people like you and mom," Sean said. He added a little more ketchup to the meatloaf deciding that it was better to have a little meatloaf with his ketchup than to have a little ketchup with his meatloaf. It didn't help.

"So how is Mr. Catchums?"

Sean stabbed one of the green beans while he answered, "I guess he's fine. He told me that he knew mom."

"Harvey used to date your mother," his father said. With a grin, he added, "You might want to talk to your mother about him."

Wondering if his father was setting him up for a long a painful discussion with his mother, Sean asked, "Do I hear a hint of jealousy in your voice?"

"Good heavens, no. That was long before your mother and I started dating. That must have been seventeen or eighteen years ago," his father answered.

Sean looked down at his meatloaf for a moment and then took a bite of the mashed potatoes. He thought about the timeline and said, "Uh, I'm eighteen."

"Really? So Harvey and your mother broke up about the time that you were born. That's an amazing co-incidence. I never thought about that," his father replied with a wink.

"What did you never think of?" Sean's mother asked upon entering the kitchen. She looked at the meatloaf drowning in a pool of ketchup and frowned.

"Dad was just telling me that you used to date Mr. Catchums," Sean said emphasizing that it was his father doing the telling.

His mother looked over at her husband and gave him an air kiss. She said, "That's true. Let's see, we broke up about seven or eight years ago."

"Uh," Sean said frowning. He looked from his mother to his father trying to figure out where the joke was in the discussion.

His father said, "That's right. It wasn't seventeen or eighteen years ago."

Sean said, "Lily is about eight."

"Really? Don't tell your father that," his mother answered taking a seat beside her husband. Her hand slid under the table and his father jumped in his chair.

Sean sat back in his chair and said, "You're pulling my leg."

His mother and father broke out in laughter. His mother said, "Harvey and your father were about as friendly with each other as you and Max."

"Oh," Sean said.

"They fought over everything. Their rivalry culminated when they fought over me. Your father lured me away from him with dark promises of chocolate and flowers," his mother said. She batted her eyes at her husband.

"That was promises of dark chocolate and flowers."

"That's not how I remember it," his mother said nudging him in the side with her elbow.

Wondering why Mr. Catchums gave him a job, Sean asked, "So what happened?"

"We grew up. I went to work at Laboratory Equipment Fixers and married your mother. Harvey went to work at the Dairy King and married Cindy. He took over the shop when her father died," his father answered.

"Oh," Sean said.

"There were three pretty girls in our school; your mother, Suzie's mother, and Cindy," his father said taking a moment to stroll down memory lane.

Sean remembered the questions from the dwarves. Wondering how his father would handle them, he asked, "So which one was the prettiest?"

"Cindy was the prettiest," his mother answered surprising Sean.

"Your mother was the smartest," his father said.

Sean frowned and asked, "What does that make Mrs. Emery?"

"The kindest," his mother answered. She smiled at Sean and added, "She was always taking in stray cats."

"Out of curiosity, did you happen to ask the cats what they thought of her?" Sean asked.

"You know what curiosity did to the cat, don't you?" his mother asked drawing a finger across her throat.

"The same thing that Mrs. Emery does to cats," Sean answered.

His father laughed at the expression on Sean's face and asked, "What does she do to cats?"

His mother answered, "She uses them to threaten perverted little boys who try to date her daughter."

Looking at Sean, his father said, "There must be a good story here."

"Very good," his mother answered. She watched Sean push around the meatloaf on his plate and asked, "How do you like the meatloaf?"

"It is delicious. In fact, I think I like it so much that I'll save some of it for tomorrow," Sean said.

"There's no need to save it. Have seconds or thirds, even. Eat it all. I'd hate for there to be any leftovers," she said, "Tomorrow, we're having hamburgers in honor of your new job."

"I'd prefer chicken," Sean said.

His mother gave him a look of mock pride. She said, "Look at him. It is hard to believe that there's so much selfless concern for his family in one little fellow. We know that he hungers for burgers, but wishes to spare us from his baser desires. He thinks that we would want to eat chicken. He tries to cater to our dinner preferences when he must be dying to have ground beef with every meal. Tomorrow night, I'm going to make him a real treat — a half pound burger with lettuce, onion, tomatoes, cheese, relish, mustard, ketchup, and bell pepper."

"You definitely have to serve that on soft white bread," his father said watching Sean sink in his chair.

"The grease dripping from the burger will turn the bread that lovely wet gray that we all love and appreciate," his mother said.

"Thanks. I'm so looking forward to that," Sean said with a groan.

Glancing at the plate, his mother said, "What are mothers for if not to look out for the needs of her children?"

"I have nightmares every time you ask that question," Sean said.

His mother said, "That is quite understandable. It is guilt that causes the nightmares."

"Guilt?"

"Yes, you lie awake in bed wondering what you've done to deserve such excellent parenting. Knowing that you've done nothing, you feel guilty and, hence, you have nightmares," his mother said.

"I'm going to grow up and spend a fortune on psychiatrists," Sean said.

"Do you think so?" his mother asked leaning forward.

"Yes," Sean answered.

His father rose from his chair and, taking his wife's hand, said, "Let's go to bed and celebrate. Our job here is done. We've created a dysfunctional child who will grow up to be a perfectly mediocre consumer of psychiatric services. Oh blessed is the modern American family."

"It makes you wonder why they keep saying that traditional family values are dead," Sean said rolling his eyes.

"We are so lucky that we discovered the Do-It-Yourself Book on Perfect Parenting," Sean's mother said rising to join her husband.

Sean said, "You read the Do-It-Yourself Book on How to Raise A Perfect Parrot. For the first five years of my life, all you asked me was if I wanted a cracker."

"That boy had no appetite. I remember trying to get him to eat," his mother said.

"I remember those horrible days," his father said.

"It took us years to teach him to say Sean wants a cracker," his mother said. She sighed as if relieving a painful memory and then smiled brightly. She said, "At least he's turned into a model citizen."

"Let us celebrate our parenting triumph in private," Sean's father said winking at his wife.

"That's a great idea. Perhaps we can create another child who will grow up to embody the American ideal," his mother said.

"Ugh," Sean said.

His mother said, "Make sure that Lily gets to bed on time. Make sure that she takes a shower and brushes her teeth before she gets in bed."

"Why me?" Sean asked.

"It is state law," his father answered.

"We'll be a little distracted," his mother said.

"This is wrong on so many levels," Sean said shaking his head. He watched his parents head towards the hall.

"Wash your dishes," his mother said while walking out of the kitchen with her husband. She jumped a little when her husband patted her bottom.

Sean had just finished washing his dishes when Lily came in the kitchen and asked, "Where are mom and dad?"

"They went to bed," Sean answered.

"Oh goody," Lily said and scampered from the room.

Sean watched her go and said, "She's acting strange. I wonder what's up?"

After turning on the dishwasher, Sean went out to the living room to check up on his sister. He stopped at the door and stared at the action on the television. Stunned by what he was seeing, he asked, "What are you watching?"

"Uh oh," Lily said upon seeing Sean.

"Change that channel right this minute," Sean said. The actress on the screen had just dropped her robe and was standing naked before her lover in her full glory.

"There sure are a lot of perverts on television," Lily said hoping to deflect the topic away from the fact that she was watching the show and onto the show itself.

"There's even a very young pervert watching it. Now change the channel before I have to do something really horrible," Sean said. He hoped that his mother or father didn't come out of the bedroom and see what Lily was watching.

"Like what?" Lily asked.

"Like telling Mom what you were watching," Sean said.

Lily snorted in disgust. She used the remote to change over to an animated movie that was showing on one of the other premium channels. She asked, "Are you happy now?"

"Yes," Sean answered.

Lily said, "What's the matter with me watching that?"

"You'll grow up to be a pervert," Sean answered.

"You mean I'll grow up to be just like you?" Lily asked.

Nodding his head, Sean answered, "That's right. Before you know it, you'll be one of the oddest people in town. Folks will talk about you as if you weren't even there."

"Why would they talk about me as if I weren't there?" Lily asked with a puzzled frown.

"Didn't you know that all perverts, odd people, and mentally slow people are hard of hearing?" Sean asked.

"Really? I don't believe that," Lily said.

"What was that? I couldn't hear what you said," Sean said leaning forward and cupping an ear.

"Stop it. You aren't nearly as good at that as mother," Lily said rolling her eyes. The idea of Sean laying a guilt trip on her was almost laughable. She knew that the next thing he'd do is try to convince her that she was going deaf.

Sean mouthed the words, "That's what you think."

"Would you speak up?" Lily asked turning down the volume on the television.

"See, you're going deaf already. That's the first sign that you're turning into a pervert," Sean said shaking his head. He mouthed the words, "Poor little thing."

"Stop doing that. You're scaring me," Lily whimpered. She scrunched up her eyes like she was about to cry.

"Oh, sorry," Sean said hoping that she wouldn't start crying.

"You are so easy," Lily said with a laugh.



-------

Chapter 13


Sean stopped at the convenience store on his way to work. He went over to one of the shelves and examined all of the products there. He picked out one and headed to the counter. Holding up the can of deodorant, Sean asked, "What have you heard about this new super high heat resistant underarm antiperspirant and deodorant for men made by stink blasters?"

"I heard that stuff doesn't work," Sam said.

"Really?" Sean asked.

"That's right," Sam said.

Sean looked at the can and said, "It even has odor fighting micro-capsules that will last all day."

"Won't last a minute," Sam said.

Sean looked down at the can finding Sam's assessment a little hard to believe. The can even had a picture of a thermometer reading 120 degrees on it. He said, "I was hoping that it would keep me from smelling too bad after working in the kitchen all day at the Dairy King. The stuff I used yesterday quit after an hour."

"I only know of one thing that can stand up to the heat of the Dairy King," Sam said.

"What?"

Sam leaned over the counter and, in a whisper, said, "The mildly scented women's deodorant. It is stronger than anything made for a man."

"You're kidding. Why would the women's stuff be stronger?" Sean asked.

Same looked at him as if he was stupid and said, "No woman would ever be caught dead smelling from BO."

"True," Sean said finding it was a statement that was hard to argue against.

"Get the cheap women's stuff. It is the best that we have," Sam said.

"I'll smell like a girl," Sean said.

"That's better than smelling like a skunk," Sam said.

"That's true," Sean said. He wondered how he was going to explain that purchase to his mother.

It was two o'clock in the afternoon and business was slow. Sean was outside cleaning up the front of the store while Mr. Catchums was busy cleaning the kitchen. To tell the truth, Mr. Catchums appreciated the help cleaning the place more than the help cooking. Trying to run the Dairy King single-handedly had required him to cut some corners. One of those corners was giving the place the kind of thorough cleaning that he preferred. That's not to say that the place was dirty; it wasn't. It just didn't have the kind of shine to it that it once had. An unkind person might say that it looked like a dump. A kind person would describe it as shabby.

Seeing that no one was around, Sean commanded the small cloth to clean up the counter that customers used when picking up their orders. He ordered another cloth to wipe down the outsides of the plastic squeeze bottles that held the condiments. He ordered a third cloth to wash the glass of the window. While the cloths moved to and fro, Sean sprayed the appropriate cleanser on the surfaces. Releasing a squirt of ammonia based glass cleaner on the window, he said, "I'm just working my fingers to the bone."

It wasn't long before the windows were spotless, the counter shined, and the condiment containers looked new. Sean couldn't remember ever seeing the windows that clean. The little metal edge of the counter no longer looked a dull gray, but reflected the sunlight. The squeeze bottles looked like they had been polished. He didn't realize that plastic could actually look that nice.

Sean leaned in through the window and spotted a little scrub brush. Waiting for when Mr. Catchums had his back turned, he ordered the brush to come to his hand. He then commanded the brush to clean the front wall of the store. There were lots of little stains and scuff marks left by customers picking up their orders and he thought it would be a good idea to remove them. He stepped back to watch the brush work and noticed that it was removing a lot of the paint that covered the wooden exterior. Muttering, he said, "Oops, that's not good."

He ordered the brush to stop. By that time, the brush had removed almost a square foot of the paint. He ran a hand over the surface of the wall and chips of paint flaked loose. He stuck his head through the service window and shouted, "Mr. Catchums, could you come outside for a moment?"

"Give me a minute," Mr. Catchums shouted back.

Sean stepped back and examined the exterior of the Dairy King. All of the paint was flaking and looked like it would fall off any minute. Even with his gift of magic, Sean was sure that scraping off all of that paint so that it could be repainted would be a major effort. He hoped that Mr. Catchums had enough money to hire a painter or two or ten.

Mr. Catchums came out of the kitchen carrying two cokes. He handed one to Sean. Hot, he went over to one of the picnic tables in the shade. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he asked, "What do you want?"

"I went to clean the area around the service window and discovered that the paint is peeling off the wooden exterior," Sean said pointing to the spot where he had removed the paint. He took a sip of his drink. The ice cold drink was much appreciated.

Mr. Catchums looked at the bare wood that Sean's cleaning had exposed. There was a nice square of bare wood surrounded by flaking paint. The clean patch made the rest of the store look pretty bad. He was not surprised to see that his building was in such disrepair. This day had been coming for a long time and he had hoped to postpone it for another year. He stared at the service shelf and windows for a full three minutes without moving a muscle. Sean was beginning to get worried when Mr. Catchums said, "You did a real good job with the bathrooms yesterday."

"Thanks," Sean said. He had sacrificed two sponges and two bottles of detergent to that little job.

"The counters look great and I can actually see into the store through the windows," Mr. Catchums said.

"Thank you sir," Sean said figuring that his accomplishments probably took the edge off the mess he had created.

"That patch of bare wood makes the rest of the building look pretty shabby," Mr. Catchums said after squatting down to study the cleaned patch of the exterior.

"I kind of noticed that," Sean said.

"I guess I'm going to have to take care of this somehow," Mr. Catchums said.

Nodding his head in agreement, Sean said, "There are only three things we can do."

"Three things? I only can think of one thing," Mr. Catchums said somewhat amused at the idea that Sean was going to advise him on what to do about the building.

"The easiest solution would be to ignore it. What do you think of that solution?"

"It is the easiest and cheapest thing I could do," Mr. Catchums said. "The problem is that it will still look bad and doesn't fix a thing."

Sean said, "I agree. The second thing we could do is hide it by putting some sort of sign over it."

"What would the sign say?" Mr. Catchums asked.

Sean answered, "We could have the sign say something like 'Read this sign and ignore the rest of the building.' That way, everyone will be busy trying to figure out what the sign means and no one will notice the peeling paint."

"That's brilliant," Mr. Catchums said. "Do you really think it will work?"

Sean shrugged his shoulders and said, "Not really."

"I tend to agree with you," Mr. Catchums said. Wondering how much it was going to cost him, he said, "There's only one real solution to the problem."

"You paint the whole building," Sean said nodding his head.

"No, you paint the whole building," Mr. Catchums said looking over at Sean with an amused grin.

"Even though our solutions are identically worded, I like my idea better," Sean said.

Mr. Catchums laughed and said, "You're just like your mother."

"My father mentioned to me that you used to date my mother," Sean said.

"Has he ever gotten over the fact that I wooed Cindy away from him with promises of chocolates and flowers?" Mr. Catchums asked.

"He tells it a little differently," Sean said. This was the first that he heard about his father dating Cindy. He wondered if his mother knew about that.

"I'm sure he does," Mr. Catchums said. He was quiet for a moment while taking a quick trip down memory lane. He patted the side of the building affectionately and said, "Why don't you head over to the hardware shop and get a scraper to start removing the old paint? I guess you'll need a drop cloth, too."

"It is just my second day on the job and I'm already the head of maintenance and chief purchasing agent. At this rate, I'll end up a senior executive by the end of the week," Sean said.

Mr. Catchums snorted and said, "You'll need some money. Take a twenty from the till before you head over to the hardware store."

"Yes, Mr. Catchums," Sean said.

-------

An hour later, Sean was busy scraping the paint off the building. Actually, he was wearing a glove that was holding the scraper while it was busy scraping the paint off the building. He couldn't command the scraper, so the glove was the best that he could come up with. Of course, he had to wear the glove so that no one would notice that the glove was doing all of the work. Despite all of his plans, his arm was getting tired from being pulled all over the place by the glove.

He was about to take a break when he noticed what he thought was a hummingbird next to him. He looked over at it and realized it wasn't a hummingbird. It was a naked miniature person with wings. Judging by the bare breasts that jutted disproportionally from her chest, the gender of his visitor was obviously female. Curious, he said, "Hello."

The little creature flying beside him replied, "Hello."

"Who and what are you?" Sean asked although he suspected that she was a fairy.

"Who and what are you?" she asked.

"I'm Sean and I'm a human," Sean answered fully expecting the little creature to echo his answer.

"I'm Daisy and I'm a fairy."

"It is nice to meet you Daisy," Sean said wondering what one discussed with a fairy.

"It is nice to meet you Sean," Daisy replied politely. She flew closer to the wall for a minute and then zipped back a bit. She asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm scraping the old paint off the wall so that I can put new paint on it," Sean answered.

"That doesn't sound like fun," Daisy said.

"It isn't," Sean replied. He leaned forward a little to see if she was anatomically correct. It was hard to tell from the angle.

Seeing that Sean was looking at her, Daisy said, "You're just like Merlin. He was always trying to check out the goodies."

"Sorry."

"That's okay, but it won't do you any good," Daisy said turning to face him. She spread her legs and held out her arms so that he could see everything.

"Why?" Sean asked surprised at her willingness to display her anatomical features.

Daisy said, "If you haven't noticed there's a little difference in our sizes. Your battering ram is bigger than I am. At least, I hope so. Actually I don't care how big or small it is, but I'm sure that any women you bed will care."

"It is," Sean said realizing what she meant.

"So you can't play with me," Daisy said.

"I don't have to play with you to appreciate your beauty," Sean said.

"Do you think I'm pretty?" Daisy asked running a hand through her yellowish blond hair. Fairies had a tendency to be more than a little vain about their appearance.

"Very," Sean said.

"That's sweet," Daisy said. There was a little popping sound next to her and another fairy appeared. This one was a red head. Daisy shouted, "Rose!"

"Daisy!"

Sean watched the pair of fairies fly off. Shaking his head, he said, "Those fairies sure are cute little things."

Sean wondered how long it would be before other people started noticing that there were magical creatures roaming around the area. He figured that a lot of people would be seeing them over the next few months, but no one would talk about it out of fear of joining Max at the hospital. He worked another twenty minutes before taking a break. By that time, his arm felt like spaghetti.

He was sitting at one of the tables drinking a soda when Suzie sat down next to him. She asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm working," Sean answered.

Suzie looked at him and said, "It doesn't look like you're working."

"Actually, I'm taking a break. I've scraped all of the old paint from almost this entire side of the building today," Sean said pointing over to where he had been working.

"Wow, you got a lot done," Suzie said looking at the bare wood.

Sean leaned over and whispered, "I'd be done by now if I could really use my magic. I'd get a dozen scrapers going all at the same time. That old paint would be flying off the building."

"I didn't think about that," Suzie said. She said, "I've known you your entire life and I didn't know that you knew how to paint a house. Do you know what you are doing?"

"I have no clue, but I'm not going to let that stop me," Sean said shrugging his shoulders, "It seems like the magic knows what to do."

"That's good," Suzie said. She fanned herself and said, "It is a real scorcher today. It must be murder working in the sun like that."

"It is not that bad," Sean said. It took him a few seconds to realize that she was hot. He said, "Let me go get you something to drink."

"Oh, that would be nice," Suzie said with a smile.

Sean went into the kitchen and staggered back at the heat. He said, "Mr. Catchums, it is really hot in here."

"It is a might bit warm," Mr. Catchums replied. He took another sip of his drink and noticed that all of the ice had melted. He wished for the thousandth time that business would pick up enough to purchase an air conditioner. One large enough to cool the kitchen cost a fortune and he just didn't have the money to do it.

"I'm going to get a little something for my girlfriend to drink," Sean said.

"Who's your girlfriend?"

Sean answered, "Suzie Emery."

"Ah, her mother was one of the three prettiest girls in high school. My Cindy was the prettiest, your mother was the smartest, and her mother was the kindest. I remember she was always taking in stray cats. I imagine Suzie is a pretty young lady with a kind heart," Mr. Catchums said.

"She's the prettiest girl in school," Sean said.

"I'm sure she is. Go ahead and get a drink for her," Mr. Catchums said.

Sean went over to the soda fountain and fixed a diet drink for Suzie. He carried it out the backdoor and over to the table. Handing it to her, he said, "It is diet."

"Are you suggesting that I need to lose weight?" Suzie asked.

Sean shook his head and stuttered, "No. I know that you prefer diet sodas."

"Good save," Suzie said with a laugh. She nudged him in the side and said, "I was kidding."

"Oh," Sean said.

Suzie took a drink of her soda. Leaning back, she said, "My dad was kind of surprised when he heard that you were working here. He said that your dad and Mr. Catchums used to fight about everything."

"Dad was saying the same thing," Sean said.

"My Dad said that Mr. Catchums stole Cindy away from your father. Of course, my mother said that your father stole your mother from Mr. Catchums," Suzie said.

"I heard both versions of the story from Dad and Mr. Catchums. Each of them claimed to be the one doing the stealing," Sean said, "I wonder who stole who from whom."

Suzie asked, "Is that a correct sentence?"

"I don't know. I always get confused with that who and whom business. At least you know what I meant," Sean answered.

"So are you going to be able to make it over to swim later?" Suzie asked.

"I don't know," Sean answered.

Deciding that using her feminine wiles would convince him to spend a little more time with her, Suzie said, "I'm planning on wearing my special bathing suit."

"Hold on, let me check with Mr. Catchums," Sean said coming to a very quick decision.

Sean went into the Dairy King and said, "Mr. Catchums. I was just thinking that I could probably get more work done on scraping the outside of the building if I work when it is cooler."

"Maybe," Mr. Catchums said glancing out the service window. He could see Suzie sitting there drinking her soda. She reminded him of her mother. He grinned and asked, "The little lady out there wouldn't have something to do with you wanting to leave a little early, would she?"

"Let's see. She promised a swim in a cold swimming pool while she's wearing a skimpy bathing suit. That's to be contrasted with the fun of scraping paint under a hot baking sun," Sean answered while scratching his head as if trying to solve a difficult algebra problem. He said, "Nope, she didn't have a thing to do with me wanting to leave early."

Mr. Catchums laughed. Expecting that Sean had only done a little of the side he had been working on, he said, "Well, let me see how much you've done out there."

"Okay," Sean said.

Mr. Catchums went outside and looked at the work that Sean had done. He was shocked to find almost the entire side had been finished. He figured that it would take an entire day to get that much done. Sean had only been out there for about two hours. He said, "You got a lot done."

"I would have gotten more done, but there are a lot of people around and it is hot," Sean said. He figured that in the morning there would be no one around and he'd be able to get two or three scrapers working.

Mr. Catchums walked up to the wall and examined the work carefully. He was amazed at how good of a job Sean had done. It looked like a real professional job. He said, "I'll bring a ladder tomorrow so that you can reach the high spots."

"Great. Just two days on the job and I'm climbing the corporate ladder," Sean said.

"Well, after you clean up here, get out of here and take that little swim in the pool with your lady friend," Mr. Catchums said.

"Right. Clean up the area first and then leave," Sean said.

"You'll come in the morning?" Mr. Catchums asked.

"Bright and early," Sean said knowing that his mother wouldn't let him sleep late no matter how much he begged.

"I'll bring the ladder over at about nine," Mr. Catchums said.

"I'll be here," Sean said.

Sean ran over to Suzie and said, "I can go after I clean up the area. It will take me about fifteen minutes."

Suzie smiled at him and said, "I'm so disappointed. Now I have to wear that special bathing suit."

Sean had very clear memories of that special bathing suit. He tried to look sad as he said, "I share your disappointment."

"I'll go home and change into my swimming suit. Delaying my disappointment any longer isn't going to help any," Suzie said standing up.

"I'll clean up here and be over at your house as quick as I can," Sean said.

She leaned forward and said, "Maybe I should give you a kiss to remind you not to take too long."

"Remind away," Sean said leaning forward to accept a kiss from her.

She paused and sniffed him. Frowning, she said, "You smell like women's deodorant."

"Remind away," Sean said puckering his lips for a kiss. He was hoping to avoid that discussion.

"I'm serious. You smell like women's deodorant," Suzie said stepping back and looking at him.

Wanting to change the subject, Sean said, "I saw two fairies today."

Suzie said, "They are called gays."

"They weren't gays; they were real fairies like in fairy tales," Sean said. Seeing her sidewise glance at him, he added, "They were only about four inches tall. When I saw the first one, her wings were moving so fast that I thought she was a hummingbird."

"She?"

"They were both females," Sean said.

"Were they wearing fairy gowns?" Suzie asked remembering the pictures of fairies from the books she had read when she was a little girl. She had always wanted a gown that looked like the ones pictured in those books.

"Uh, no," Sean answered wondering how the conversation had gotten around to what they were wearing so quickly.

"Oh," Suzie said looking over at him. He looked a little guilty about something. She asked, "Were they naked?"

"Uh, yes," Sean answered guessing what her next question would be.

"You wouldn't have noticed if she was anatomically correct, would you?"

"She was definitely anatomically correct," Sean said wishing even as the words were flowing from his mouth that he could take them back. He couldn't believe that he had answered that question despite knowing that it was coming.

"How would you know that?" Suzie asked.

Sean came to a sudden epiphany about men, women, and deodorants. The reason women's deodorants didn't fail was because women didn't get asked questions like that. Wiping his brow, he said, "She showed me."

"Was there any chicken choking going on?" Suzie asked. There was a definite trace of frost in her voice.

"No," Sean said thinking that they sure could use her voice in the kitchen at the Dairy King. One or two comments in that voice would cool the kitchen down by ten degrees.

Suzie shook her head and asked, "What is it with all of these magical female creatures showing you their anatomy?"

Sean was about to answer, "Just lucky," but his less than stellar and very shy commonsense finally asserted itself. He answered, "I don't know."



-------

Chapter 14


Sean and Suzie were seated around the patio table. Suzie was talking, but Sean was having a very hard time following the conversation. Her swimsuit kept distracting him. For some reason, she was enjoying the situation. She asked, "Do you like what you see more than the fairies?"

"Huh?" Sean asked once he realized that she had asked him a question.

Suzie wiggled in her seat and asked, "Am I prettier than the fairies?"

"What fairies?" Sean asked distracted by the wiggle.

"Would you pay attention to me?" Suzie asked.

"I'm paying attention to you," Sean answered. He wondered how she could think he was thinking about anything except her.

Mrs. Emery came out of the house and sat down at the patio table. Her sudden appearance seemed to sharpen Sean's ability to concentrate on something besides Suzie's body significantly. He managed to tear his eyes away from Suzie long enough to say, "Hello, Mrs. Emery."

Mrs. Emery announced, "I just got off the telephone. You might want to know that Max came home from the hospital today."

"That's good. I'm sure that he's a lot happier being at home," Sean said.

"They didn't find any kind of brain tumor," Mrs. Emery said.

"That's good news," Sean said feeling very guilty.

Mrs. Emery said, "I never thought Max was the type of kid to lose it like that."

"You never know," Suzie said giving Sean a significant look.

"I'd like to talk to Max and see how he's doing," Sean said.

Mrs. Emery laughed and asked, "Will you take your gang of midgets with you?"

"Mom! Don't joke about that," Suzie said. She had heard the whole story and knew that Max was not crazy.

"Poor Max must really be feeling awful about now," Sean answered.

"I'm sure he is," Mrs. Emery said wondering about their overreaction to her little joke.

"Maybe we should send him some flowers or something," Suzie said.

Frowning, Sean said, "I don't know. As a guy, I'm not sure how I would react to getting flowers."

"Well, I'll go in and start dinner. Would you like to stay for dinner, Sean? We're having hamburgers," Mrs. Emery offered.

"Hamburgers?" Sean asked.

Mrs. Emery smiled at him and said, "Your mother told me you had a craving for hamburgers all of a sudden."

Swallowing heavily, Sean said, "I'd love to have hamburgers. Let me call my mom."

"Just come in the house when you're ready to call her," Mrs. Emery said before she returned to the house.

"So you've got to call your mother," Suzie commented.

"Yes," Sean answered.

"What are you going to call your mother?" Suzie asked with a grin. Sean had told her about eating the meatloaf the previous evening.

"Nothing I can say in front of your mother," Sean answered.

Suzie laughed and said, "I'm sure of that."

Sean's eyes drifted back to her body and all thoughts of further conversation fled his mind. He managed to say, "You're so beautiful."

Suzie rose from her chair and sat astride his lap. She leaned forward and kissed him. She said, "You say the nicest things."

Sean's body reacted to the sudden presence of a nearly naked woman on his lap in a most predictable manner — all of the blood fled his brain. He answered, "Glob blub."

"Is that a trouser snake I feel?" Suzie asked looking down at his crotch. Her body was reacting in a most predictable manner as well. The miniscule swimsuit top was suddenly feeling very confining.

"Yab," Sean answered. His face turned scarlet despite the fact that all of his blood had seemed to have flowed elsewhere.

"Does it need petting?" Suzie asked. She was quite surprised when his eyes rolled up. She looked at him and said, "I think I killed him."

"Hello."

Suzie jumped at hearing a voice from right beside her. She turned her head and spotted a fairy hovering next to her. Blushing at the idea of her conversation being overheard by someone, she said, "Hello."

"I thought you were a nymph, but I realized I was wrong. He's supposed to do the chasing," the fairy said.

"I'm just a female human," Suzie said staring at the fairy unable to believe her eyes. She had heard the dwarves, but she hadn't seen them. Sean had mentioned talking to a Brownie, but that was kind of second hand knowledge. This was different. She was actually looking at a real live fairy like one right out of a fairy tale. She said, "You're a real fairy with wings and everything."

The fairy said, "You look like a nymph. All the men love to chase nymphs. You should see what happens when they catch them."

"You like to watch?" Suzie asked.

"Most definitely. Nothing attracts fairies like a man catching a nymph. It is the best two minutes of entertainment around."

"Two minutes?" Suzie asked. She hoped that Sean lasted a little longer than two minutes.

The fairy hovered in place and answered, "Oh yes. Nymphs tend to over excite men and they don't last very long."

"Oh."

"You really are pretty enough to be a nymph."

"Thank you," Suzie said wondering if the only thing these magical creatures thought about was sex.

"That's quite a weapon he's got," the fairy said.

"Uh, yes," Suzie said blushing upon hearing the reminder of what she was sitting upon. She examined the fairy noticing the long blue hair. Her breasts were disproportionately large. She wondered if she really was anatomically correct. She leaned forward to get a better look.

The fairy noticed what Suzie was doing. She spread her legs and arms. In an amused voice, she said, "Humans are so curious about our bodies. You'd think they'd know what a female looks like."

"Sorry," Suzie said.

"Are you satisfied?" the fairy asked.

"Yes," Suzie said thinking that there was no way that Sean could have resisted checking out the anatomy of the fairy.

"Can I watch when he finally sheaths that weapon of his in you?"

"Uh, no," Suzie answered.

"Please," the fairy begged.

"I'll think about it," Suzie said.

"Great. I'll tell the others," the fairy said and then flew off so fast that the eyes couldn't follow her.

Sean blinked and said, "Glug."

"You're back," Suzie said with a smile.

"Unk dunker do," Sean said when she shifted on his lap. He eyed her barely covered breasts thinking that he'd love to kiss them more than anything in the world. He said, "Blat blor blug."

"Huh?" Suzie said feeling a great deal of pride at having reduced him to babbling again.

What Suzie didn't realize was that pride comes before a fall. Giving into temptation, Sean leaned forward and kissed her breast not caring that it was covered with a very thin patch of cloth. It was Suzie's turn to lose the ability to speak. She said, "Hink. Oka. Bluh."

Sean switched over to the other side and kissed it. Wrapping her arms around his head, she pulled him tight to her breast. Breathless, she said, "Oh. Ga. Uh. Ah."

Sean shifted his hips and Suzie's eyes went wide. Something had rubbed a very special part of her anatomy. The only sound out of her mouth was a long low moan. Neither one noticed the growing number of fairies surrounding them.

"The man caught the nymph."

"It sure wasn't much of a chase."

"No chase at all."

"It has been a long time since I've watched a nymph have a bit of fun with a man."

"I bet she reaches heaven first."

"Nah. He's too excited."

"So is she."

"That's true."

"These humans and all their clothes."

"If she was a proper nymph they'd be at it already."

With the sound of a door opening, the fairies scattered in a dozen different directions. Mrs. Emery stepped out onto the patio and immediately spotted the young lovers. Deciding that it was time to get them to cool off a bit, she put her hands to her cheeks and, in a loud voice, said, "Oh my."

With the sound of her voice, both Suzie and Sean immediately forgot about their excitement. Neither of them regained the ability to speak, but the reason was not due to their passion. Their embarrassment at having been caught affected the ability to control their mouths. Rather than spouting nonsense all they could do was stutter. Suzie nearly fell down trying to get off his lap. Sean stared at Mrs. Emery hoping not to see any sharp instruments that could change his gender.

Sean was the first one to recover his voice. In a lame attempt to salvage the situation, he said, "Suzie was just helping me. I had something in my eye."

"I saw. It was her breast," Mrs. Emery said trying to look stern.

"Oh, yeah," Sean mumbled.

"If I remember my first aid correctly, removing a breast from an eye is a very delicate operation," Mrs. Emery said enjoying the sight of the two young lovers acting so flustered. When both kids turned a brighter shade of red, she added, "I've heard that it can take hours, if not days on rare occasions. You're both lucky that it didn't take that long."

"Uh, yeah," Suzie said.

"Despite the fact that it was quickly done, it appears to me that both eye and breast are in perfect working condition," Mrs. Emery said. She thought about how much fun Sean's mother would have with this situation.

"Uh, yeah," Sean said glancing at Suzie's breast. Mrs. Emery was right about one thing — Suzie's breast was perfect. He said, "Perfect breast."

Mrs. Emery chuckled. She was reminded of a time when she was caught by her mother in much the same position. At least Suzie still was wearing her top. There was nothing worse than getting caught bare breasted with her boyfriend's lips wrapped around the nipple. Well, there was that one time when her lower half was bare as well and so was his. She thought about reminding her husband of that little episode later that evening. She shook herself and said, "I just came out to remind Sean to call his mother. Sean, you should let her know that you want to stay here for dinner."

"Must call mother," Sean said. He had forgotten all about that the moment Suzie had sat on his lap.

Mrs. Emery said, "Well, go on and call her."

Sean glanced down at his crotch pleased to discover that his erection had totally disappeared. He stood up and said, "I'll call my mother now."

"Good boy," Mrs. Emery said with a grin. She watched Sean go in the house. Once the door had closed behind him, she said, "It looks like that swimming suit is having the desired effect on Sean."

"Yeah," Suzie replied waiting for the lecture about acting like a proper young lady. She imagined that the suggestion she wait until after they were married to do things like that would be forthcoming.

"You might want to be in the house when the top finally comes off," Mrs. Emery said.

"Oh," Suzie said. She didn't know if it was possible to turn any redder.

"You never know who might be watching."

Suzie thought of the fairies and the dwarves. Both had announced a desire to watch. She nodded her head and said, "You're right."

Mrs. Emery said, "I never imagined Sean had such restraint. If I was wearing a swimsuit like that when I was your age, your father would have moved that little patch of cloth out of the way before kissing my breast."

"Ugh," Suzie said with a frown.

"He's a real animal once his lips get close to a hard nipple."

"Too much information," Suzie said holding up a hand to stop her mother from talking.

"That man of mine really knows how to nibble on a breast. I can come just from his attentions to it," Mrs. Emery said.

"Stop," Suzie said holding her hands over her ears.

"It looks like Sean knows how to do that too," Mrs. Emery said.

"Uh," Suzie said taken aback by the sudden change in subject. She almost wished her mother would return to talking about her father.

"He had you babbling like an idiot there for a minute," Mrs. Emery said watching Suzie squirm.

Suzie said, "He kind of took me by surprise."

"He took you by surprise? Are you serious? You were begging him to do that," Mrs. Emery said.

Suzie looked a little embarrassed by the suggestion that she had been begging him to do that. She said, "Maybe a little."

"Maybe a lot," Mrs. Emery said. She leaned over to Suzie and pointed at the top. She said, "You could be wearing band aids for as much skin as that suit covers."

"Yes, mother," Suzie said.

Unaware of what had been discussed between mother and daughter, Sean came out of the house with a smile. He said, "Mom said that I could stay here for dinner."

"I was pretty sure that she'd be okay with it," Mrs. Emery said. She smiled at Sean and said, "I'm going back in the house and finish dinner."

"Okay," Sean said.

Mrs. Emery walked towards the door and stopped next to Sean. She leaned over and said, "Your mother is going to really enjoy the story I'm going to tell her."

"My mother? Story? Tell her?" Sean said feeling his stomach drop to the ground. Swaying a little from side to side, he said, "I'm dead."

"Have fun kids," Mrs. Emery said entering the house.

Sean went over to the chair and took a seat. Shaking his head, he said, "Your mother is evil."

"I know," Suzie said. She returned to her place on his lap. Leaning over to kiss him, she said, "Where were we before we were interrupted?"

"Uh," Sean said staring at her breasts. Sean shook his head and said, "I don't think that would be a good idea. I think your mother will send your father to fetch us when dinner is ready. I keep having this image of him and me taking a long walk in the woods with him being the only one who will return."

"Daddy isn't like that," Suzie said. She wished that Sean would get back in the mood. She had really enjoyed what had been happening before they had been interrupted.

Sean looked at her and said, "You know that he's really a mild mannered father by day, but what you don't know is that he's a serial boyfriend killer by night."

"He hasn't killed anyone," Suzie said.

"Yet," Sean said.

"Let's see. I think you were kissing me somewhere," Suzie said adjusting the top of her suit.

"We're going to get caught," Sean said looking around nervously.

Suzie rocked back and forth on his lap and said, "Mom told us to have fun."

"That's true," Sean said finding that he was rising to the occasion, or at least one part of his body was rising to the occasion. It was getting harder to think. He said, "I don't think she meant for us to have that kind of fun. She's probably watching us from the kitchen window."

His comment and the sudden movement under her reminded Suzie of her conversation with the fairy. She said, "You missed seeing a fairy."

"I've got heaven on my lap and you're talking about fairies," Sean said. There was the nice breast floating right in front of his eyes.

"She wants to watch us when we finally do it," Suzie said pleased to see that he was starting to sweat. The bulge under her had swollen quite substantially.

"Who? What?" Sean asked having a hard time following the conversation. There was a little patch of pink from her areola showing. He licked his lips.

"I'm talking about the fairy I talked with. She said that she wants to watch us when we do it," Suzie answered.

"That's nice," Sean said completely distracted by the presence of the woman on his lap. He reached up and put a hand over her breast. All thoughts of being caught or watched flew from his mind.

Somehow the small patch of fabric covering her left breast had shifted so that her nipple was exposed. That bare nipple drew Sean's lips like bees to honey. Suzie suddenly lost all interest in fairies. It would be fair to say that she lost interest in everything except the hand on her right breast and the mouth that had covered her left breast.

The fairies on the other hand increased their interest in what was going on in the chair. Twice as many fairies showed up as had been there previously. They hovered around the couple watching the action.

"The suspense is killing me."

"I was thinking that they'd never get started."

"You can say that again."

"What is she doing?"

"I don't know."

"It looks like she's rubbing herself on him."

"She's doing the nymph thing with her clothes on."

"That's interesting."

"It looks like she's about to blow."

"Definitely."

"There she goes."

"There he goes."

"Two minutes."

"That's all they ever last."

"It is all over here."

"Let's go check out the flowers."

The swarm of fairies disappeared. Suzie and Sean slowly became aware of their surroundings. Looking down at the mess in his swimsuit, Sean said, "This is not good."

Suzie followed his gaze down and saw the wet spot. She said, "I didn't think about that."

Red faced, Sean said, "I kind of got excited."

"You weren't the only one," Suzie said. Her breasts were hanging out for the whole world to see.

"You need to straighten your top," Sean said thinking that he was clever enough to get her out of the top but not to get her back into it.

"We need to get you cleaned up," Suzie said adjusting the top of her swimsuit. If he went into the house with that wet spot on his swim trunks, everyone would know what had just happened.

"I can't go in the house like this," Sean said. A vision of her father chasing him around the house with a shotgun came to mind. That was followed by visions of the shotgun going off. That was followed by a vision of his mother standing by his casket lamenting the fact that he couldn't keep his hands to himself. That was followed by a vision of his father complaining that the psychiatric profession had just lost a great customer. The stream of visions degenerated from there.

"The swimming pool," Suzie said. She jumped out of his lap and grabbed his hand. She dragged him out of the chair breaking his chain of visions.

The pair raced to the swimming pool. They had just entered it when Mrs. Emery opened the back door. Noticing them in the pool, she shouted, "Dinner is ready."

"We'll be right out," Suzie shouted back.

"Just made it," Sean said finding that his legs were weak. He did his best to wash his suit without looking too obvious.

"Dry off before you come in the house," Mrs. Emery shouted.

"Yes, mother," Suzie shouted back. She glanced at Sean and asked, "Have you got it all out yet?"

"I think so," Sean said.

"We better get in the house," Suzie said.

"Do you think your mother will think we just took a dip to cool off?" Sean asked.

"No way," Suzie answered. She had a feeling that she was going to hear all about it after Sean left.

When they finally entered the house, Mrs. Emery chuckled at their guilty nervous expressions. She knew exactly why they had jumped in the pool. She asked, "You don't think that little dip in the pool erased the evidence of your misdeeds, do you?"

"Our second grade teacher was Mrs. Deeds and her daughter, Miss Deeds, was nowhere around here," Sean said giving his stock answer.

"I know you well enough to know that wherever you go, your friend Miss Deeds is there too," Mrs. Emery said.

"I'm innocent, I tell you. I've never met Miss Deeds," Sean said trying to look innocent. It only made him look guiltier.

Mrs. Emery said, "By the way, I ran out of hamburger. I'm afraid that we're having fried chicken. I hope that is okay with you. I know how much you were looking forward to hamburgers."



-------

Chapter 15


"Wake up!"

"Don't shout," Sean mumbled. He was in the middle of a nice dream involving Suzie and didn't want it to end.

"The sun is almost up. You don't want to miss sunrise, do you?" Lily asked brightly.

"Yes," Sean said giving the short answer. He rolled over so that his back was to her.

"Wake up!"

"Go away," Sean said. He knew that as soon as he started arguing that the chances of getting any more sleep had dropped to zero.

"Suzie is here to see you," Lily said.

Sean's head popped up from the pillow and he asked, "She is?"

"No," Lily said with a grin. It was her job to get him up in the morning and she was quite proud at being very good at it.

"That's evil," Sean groaned. He turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling while considering running away from home so that he could sleep until after sunrise for once in his life.

"Out of bed sleepy head," Lily said. She knew that Sean found rhymes particularly irritating first thing in the morning.

"I'm awake," Sean said. He stretched thinking that there was something he was supposed to do that morning, but he couldn't remember what it was.

"Come on, get out of bed," Lily said.

"I'm in my underwear," Sean said.

Having an effect on Sean like nails were being driven into his brain, Lily shouted, "Mom! Sean's a pervert."

"Of course I am. All boys my age are perverts," Sean said. He sat up, yawned, and then said,

"One of these days I'm going to sleep until noon."

Lily said, "I'll let mom know that you're awake."

Sean watched her leave the room. He looked at his pillow thinking that his head should be resting on it. He scratched his head thinking there was something he was supposed to do that morning. Nothing came to mind and he yawned again.

Lily popped back into the room and said, "Come on. Get up. The day is almost half over."

"Yesterday is over and today hasn't even started yet," Sean said trying to focus on his sister. His eyes weren't working yet and she was just a blur.

"Get dressed. Breakfast is ready. We're having cereal," Lily said cheerfully. She seemed to think that the chance to have cereal was well worth the effort of getting out of bed.

"Oh, joy," Sean said. The blur that was his sister left the room. He got up and put on his sweatpants. He stumbled to the bathroom and found the door was closed. He sat down on the floor with his back to the wall waiting for his sister to finish inside. His eyes started to drift shut.

"Wakee, wakee!" Lily shouted.

"Why don't you go to the bathroom before waking me?" Sean asked.

"Because I don't have to go then," Lily answered as if there was no other possible answer to that question.

After a short visit to the bathroom, Sean stumbled to the kitchen. His mother placed an empty bowl in front of him. Looking almost motherly, she turned to him and grabbed his head. She examined his face very carefully. She said, "Hmm."

Puzzled, Sean asked, "What?"

"I was just checking your eyes. I heard that you had a breast stuck in one of them and I was afraid that there might have been permanent damage," his mother answered.

His father grinned and said, "You could have gone blind."

Sean wished there was some place to hide. This kind of stuff first thing in the morning was just too much to handle. He said, "I hate mornings."

"You can't hate mornings," his father said.

"They have dimples when they smile," his mother said.

"That doesn't make sense," Sean said shaking his head. He said, "Mornings are ugly things filled with horrible cheerful people."

"Did you hear him call us horrible?" his mother asked sounding offended.

"I heard. At least he tempered it with saying that we were cheerful," his father said.

"That's true. He could have really been nasty and called us horrible grumpy people," his mother said.

Smiling over at Sean, his father said, "That would have been the pot calling the kettle black."

"I hate mornings," Sean said staring into his empty cereal bowl. There was something missing.

It took him a second to realize that it was supposed to have some cereal in it. He reached for the nearest box.

His father said, "You've got a lot of hard work ahead of you today. How long will it take you to scrape the rest of the building?"

"I don't know. A couple of hours or so," Sean answered remembering what it was he was supposed to do that morning. With no one around, he would really let the scraper go at it. That would be later. For the moment, it was taking all of his mental energy to figure out how to open the cereal box.

"It will take you a lot longer than that. Last time I painted the house it took me three weekends to scrape the outside," his father said. Of course, his wife had kept distracting him whenever he was scraping near one of the windows. It was kind of hard to scrape and watch his wife do a sexy striptease. She had assumed that striping the paint off of the house was just a subtle hint that he wanted her to do a little striping as well. He hadn't bothered to correct that little misunderstanding.

"I guess I'll find out," Sean said pouring some cereal into the bowl.

"Just work at a nice steady rhythm and the job will be done before you know it," his father said.

"Okay," Sean said.

"You're going to have to sand it after that," his father said.

"Sand it?" Sean said. He figured that after scraping off all of the old paint that he'd just paint it again.

"You need to feather the edges of all the spots where the paint couldn't be scraped off or else the building will really look ugly," his father said.

"That's a lot of work," Sean said thinking about sanding the whole outside of the building.

"That's what a job is — it is a lot of work," his father said. He said, "After you sand it, you'll have to put down a coat of base paint and then give it a second coat of paint."

"Oh," Sean said staring at his cereal. He had been hoping to finish the job tomorrow. It was beginning to sound like it would take a couple of days.

"All of the real work is preparing the surface," his father said.

Sean stared at his bowl thinking that there was something missing in it. It took a minute for him to realize what it was. He said, "Pass the milk, please."

His father said, "The milk is right in front of you."

"That breast must have done more damage to his eyes than I thought," his mother commented.

His father said, "Dangerous things those breasts are."

"I remember the time when you got your mouth stuck on one of mine. You must have been stuck there for an hour before you were able to get it out of your mouth," his mother said grinning at her husband.

"It has happened more than once."

"I really hate mornings," Sean said covering his ears with his hands.

An hour after eating breakfast, Sean moved the drop cloth to catch the paint chips that were flying from the building. Once it was in place, he stood back to watch the pair of scrapers frantically moving over the wall. He had gotten a second scraper from the garage thinking that a second scraper would get the job done in half the time. Each scraper was wrapped by a single glove. They were moving a lot faster now than when he had his hand in the glove. He said,

"Well, that's the rear of the building down. One side and the front to go yet and I'll be done scraping the paint off this building."

He walked over to one of the picnic tables and took a seat. Yawning mightily, he said, "This sure is a lot of work."

A car drove past, but the area where the scrapers were hard at work wasn't visible from the road. He said, "I guess I'll have to be careful when I do the front of the building."

The drop cloth was collecting quite a pile of paint chips. Thinking about how he was going to have to empty the chips into the trashcan soon, he reached down and idly ran his hand over surface of the picnic table. He pulled his hand back when a rather large splinter went into his finger. He looked at his finger and ordered the splinter to get out. It worked its way out and dropped to the table. Sean shook his head and said, "These tables are a danger to the customers."

Sean got up and ordered the scrapers to stop. He took care of the drop cloths by folding them into thirds width-wise and then length-wise. They were almost too large and bulky to carry over to the dumpster. He struggled to get them there. Opening them, he dumped the paint chips into the dumpster. It was the hardest work he had done all morning. Frowning, he said, "There's got to be a better way to do that."

He carried the drop cloths back to the building and spread them under the area where the scrapers had not yet removed the flaking paint. There wasn't that much left on the side of the building to finish. All that remained to do was the front of the building. Sean glanced at his wristwatch and noted that it was nearly nine in the morning. He'd been there for almost two hours.

Sean was about to order the scrapers to get back to work when he heard a truck pulling into the parking lot. He went around the side of the building and saw Mr. Catchums getting out of the truck. He said, "Good morning, Mr. Catchums."

"Oh, hello Sean. I was wondering if you'd gotten here yet," Mr. Catchums replied. He went around to the back of his truck to get out the ladder.

Sean took the ladder from Mr. Catchums and said, "I was here at sunrise."

"Oh, I didn't expect you to start working without me to supervise," Mr. Catchums said surprised by Sean's claim.

"No need to supervise me. I'm just a paint scraping maniac," Sean said thinking it would be a disaster to have Mr. Catchums watching him. He might actually have to work.

"Set the ladder down and we'll see what you've done," Mr. Catchums said. He wondered just how much work Sean had actually done without someone around to make sure that he was working.

Sean looked at the ladder and said, "So this is a corporate ladder. It looks pretty easy to climb to me."

"It is a whole lot harder when there are other people already on it," Mr. Catchums said.

"Wow. This one even has warnings on it. Let's see. Do not to stand on the top step. I guess that means that you don't want to be the guy at the top of the ladder," Sean said examining the rather large patches of paper with writing on them.

"You do want to be the guy at the top of the ladder. You just don't want to stand on the top step of the ladder," Mr. Catchums said.

"Ah! I get it. Once you get to the top of the ladder you sit down and become lazy," Sean said.

"Just don't stand on the top step," Mr. Catchums said.

"Do not use on slippery surfaces. I wonder how you are supposed to change the lights over an ice rink," Sean said reading the warning labels aloud.

"I don't know," Mr. Catchum said. Sean's mother used to ask him questions like that. It was one of the reasons he went after Cindy.

Shaking his head after reading all of the warnings, Sean said, "You'd think that they'd warn us that only one person should be on it at a time."

Mr. Catchums shook his head. He'd be worried that Sean was going to be a problem except that the kid had showed up in the morning. He stepped around the side of the building and stopped.

Shocked at how much work had been done, he asked, "Did you skip the rear of the building?"

"No. Was I supposed to?" Sean asked puzzled by the question. He set the ladder down by the drop cloth.

"No. I just didn't think that you'd get that much done by now," Mr. Catchums said.

"Do you want me to slow down?" Sean asked.

Mr. Catchums said, "No. Just don't kill yourself."

"I won't kill myself. I never entertain thoughts of suicide except when my sister is waking me up in the morning. Then I just lie there in bed wishing that I was asleep or dead. Even then, it is just an abstract kind of dead rather than a real dead. I never really even gave it much thought about how I would go about getting abstractly dead. I don't think I'd enjoy waking up and finding that I was really dead," Sean said.

"Never mind. Just be careful," Mr. Catchums said.

"You know, when I become a secret agent I think I'll change my name to Jack Careful Stone.

That way, I'll be able to say that Careful is my middle name," Sean said.

"Huh?" Mr. Catchums said. He wasn't a morning person and this conversation was edging past weird and into surreal. He wished that he was back in bed with Cindy.

"My name is Stone ... Jack Stone and Careful is my middle name," Sean said sounding it out. He smiled and said, "Do you like that more than Stone ... Jack Stone — man of action?"

Mr. Catchums said, "I'm going to go back to the house. I'll be back a little before eleven to open the store."

"Excellent. I should be done by then," Sean said.

"You're sure that you'll be okay working here alone?" Mr. Catchums asked. He still found it rather incredible that Sean had done so much that morning.

"Sure. It was kind of nice working while it was still cool and nobody was around," Sean said.

Mr. Catchums went to his truck and drove away shaking his head. He muttered, "That kid is mad as a hatter, but at least he knows how to work."

Sean ordered the gloves to return to work scraping the exterior of the building. He sent one to work on the wall and the other to work on the higher areas. He stood there watching the gloves drag the scrapers across the surface of the building. He said, "It is a whole lot better working when no one else is around."

He went over to a picnic table that was on that side of the building and took a seat. Thinking about adopting a middle name for his secret agent persona, he said, "I wonder if James Bond had a middle name. I'd hate to get thrown out of the spy business because I happened to accidently break a secret agent rule. I'll have to ask my mother about that."

With his elbow on the table and his chin resting on the palm of his hand Sean watched the scrapers work their way across the remainder of the building. When that got too boring, he had them race each other across the building. That broke up the monotony for a whole five minutes. He tried to have them perform a square dance while scraping, but that didn't really work out too well.

"This is boring," Sean said after watching the scrapers work over the building for an hour. He added, "No one warned me that work was so boring."

Sean looked down at the drop cloths and noticed that there was a pile of paint chips on it. He ordered the gloves to stop while he emptied the chips on the drop cloths into the dumpster. He put the drop cloths back down on the ground and ordered the gloves to return to work scraping the building. He said, "You sit around waiting and then suddenly it is all rush rush rush."

Sean took a stroll around the building looking at the bare walls and thinking about how much work remained to be done. His father had said that he was going to have to sand the wood to feather whatever paint remained. He had no idea what that meant. It seemed to him that feathering paint involved birds and not sandpaper. He decided that he'd ask the guy at the hardware store about it.

He returned to his seat, sighed, and then said, "I wish Suzie was here."

The gloves fell to the ground. Looking over, Sean realized that the entire exterior of the building had been scraped clean of paint. He went over and started cleaning up the area around the building. There were quite a few paint chips that had missed the drop cloths. They were scattered all around the building and looked rather ugly. He said, "I wish I had a vacuum cleaner."

He looked around for something to help him pick up all of the paint chips. He looked at the gloves and gave them the order. The gloves flew around picking up paint chips. They would each pick up a paint chip and then fly over to the drop cloth. Watching them, he realized that it would take forever to clean up the area. He went over to the trashcan and noticed a paper cup in it. He ordered the paper cup to follow the gloves around and for the gloves to drop the paint chips in the gloves. That sped things up significantly.

He happened to glance down at his watch and noticed that it was nearly eleven. Mr. Catchums said that he'd be returning about then. He folded up the drop cloths and emptied them in the dumpster. He folded them and put them in a pile by the back door of the kitchen. He ordered the gloves to stop what they were doing and to rest on top of the drop cloths. He stood there and said, "I'm forgetting something."

"Oh, I forgot about the scrapers," Sean said. He went around to the front of the building and picked them up. He had just straightened up when Mr. Catchums pulled up in his truck.

Mr. Catchums climbed out of the truck staring at the front of the building. He couldn't believe that Sean had finished it already. He said, "You're done."

"Yeah, I just finished," Sean said slipping his father's scraper into his back pocket.

Mr. Catchums went close to the building and examined the area around the windows. Sean had even managed to get rid of the paint in the corners. He was impressed. He said, "You did a pretty thorough job."

"I guess I need to head over to the hardware store and get some sandpaper. I have to sand the building to bird the edges of the paint that remains," Sean said hoping that he was using all of the right words. He had no idea what he was saying, but it was pretty close to what his father had said. He realized he had gotten it wrong and said, "I mean feather the edges of the paint."

"Of course," Mr. Catchums said. He had no idea what Sean meant, but he wasn't going to let him know that. He had figured that after scraping the old paint off that Sean would just put on a coat of paint. Considering the job Sean had done so far, he figured that Sean knew more about it than him. He asked, "How much sandpaper will you need?"

Sean frowned as he considered the question. He had no idea. He answered, "I'll have to measure the building and take the numbers over to the hardware store."

"Of course," Mr. Catchums said. He opened the back door and said, "We'll get fifty out of the register and you go get what you need."

"Thanks," Sean said.

Twenty minutes later, Sean entered the hardware store. As soon as he stepped into the store, the clerk at the counter asked, "What can I do for you?"

"I need some sandpaper," Sean answered thinking this was going well. With a little clever questioning on his part, he would be able to learn all that he needed to know without looking too stupid.

"What grit?"

Having absolutely no clue what he had been asked, Sean answered, "No grits. I already had breakfast."

The clerk laughed and said, "That's a good one. I'm going to have to remember that."

Realizing that the subtle approach to curing his ignorance wasn't going to work, Sean went over to the counter and said, "I need a little help here. I've just finished scraping all of the old paint off the Dairy King down the road. My dad said that I needed to feather the paint that remained after scraping by sanding it. I've got no clue what that means."

The clerk asked, "Why didn't you ask your dad what he meant?"

"Are you kidding? He was busy teasing me about getting a breast stuck in my eye," Sean answered.

The clerk laughed and said, "That's a good one. I'm going to have to remember that."

"So what does it mean?"

The clerk looked at Sean and answered, "Whatever paint remains on the building has little edges. If you were to paint it, those edges would remain and the wall would look mottled and ugly. You don't want that."

"Right. We don't want mottled walls," Sean said nodding his head. He wondered if he should be taking notes. This was starting to sound complicated.

"When you sand the paint down, you are actually lowering the surface of the paint and getting rid of the edges so that you can't tell where the paint ends and the wood begins. That's call feathering."

"I kind of imagined that feathering involved throwing birds at it," Sean said.

The clerk laughed and said, "That's a good one. I'm going to have to remember that."

"So I get some sand paper and sand the paint until the edges disappear," Sean said.

"You'll do it first with 80 grit sandpaper. That will get rid of the hard edges and most of the paint. Then you'll use 120 grit sandpaper. That will smooth it out nicely," the clerk said.

"I take it that grit has nothing to do with breakfast," Sean said.

"Grit is the size of the abrasive on the sandpaper," the clerk said shaking his head.

"Lots of people tell me that I'm abrasive. What grit am I?"

The clerk laughed and said, "That's a good one. I'm going to have to remember that."

"Okay," Sean said. He thought about it and said, "I need 80 grit sandpaper and 120 grit sandpaper. So I have to sand it twice. Is that right?"

"That's right," the clerk said.

"How much sandpaper do I need in order to sand the outside of the Dairy King?" Sean asked.

"I assume you'll be using a sander," the clerk said walking out from behind the counter.

"No, I plan on doing it myself. I don't think Mr. Catchums would appreciate me hiring someone else to do the work," Sean said.

"No. I meant using an electric sander," the clerk said.

"He gave me fifty dollars to buy sandpaper. I'm not sure that will be enough to buy an electric sander, too."

The clerk said, "Doing it manually is going to be a lot of work."

"That's okay. I'll be a sanding maniac by the time I'm through," Sean said. He figured that he could send ten sheets to work at a time on the wall. It wouldn't take anytime at all to sand the outside of the building doing it that way.

The clerk shook his head and picked up three packs of sandpaper. Each pack held twenty-five sheets. He said, "This should get you started."

"What will get me done?" Sean asked.

"You'll have to see how far you get with that much," the clerk answered.

"Okay," Sean said wondering how he was going to deal with it when he ran out of sandpaper.

He said, "So that's it."

"Do you have a sanding block?" the clerk asked.

Sean answered, "If you were to ask my mother, I'm sure that she'd tell you that I was a blockhead, but I assume that's not what you meant."

The clerk picked up a sanding block and said, "You'll need this."

"What do I do with that?" Sean asked.

The clerk shook his head and said, "You have no idea what you're getting into."

Shrugging his shoulders, Sean asked, "Does anyone?"



-------

Chapter 16


After delivering the sanding supplies to the Dairy King, Sean was given the rest of day off by Mr. Catchums. He stopped by Suzie's house on the way home to let her know that he had the entire afternoon off and was hoping to spend it with her. To say that he was hoping for a little repeat of the activities of the previous evening would not be an exaggeration. He knocked on the backdoor and waited for someone to answer.

Mrs. Emery opened the backdoor and, grinning broadly, said, "If it isn't the witless wonder."

"Good day, Mrs. Emery," Sean said. He smiled politely and pantomimed tipping his hat to her.

"How's the eye?"

Wondering how long he was going to hear about that from their mothers, Sean turned a little red and answered, "Much better now, thank you."

"I wish I could say the same for Suzie's breasts. They just haven't been the same since the incident," Mrs. Emery said.

"Mother!"

Mrs. Emery ignored the outburst from behind her and said, "They seem all stiff and swollen. I recommended massaging them, but you know children — they never listen to you."

"Oh, God. I'm going to die of embarrassment," Suzie said trying to push her mother out of the door. Her mother was pretty well set and didn't budge.

Feeling trapped despite the fact that the whole outdoors was to his back, Sean said, "Uh, maybe I better go."

"Perhaps you could talk some sense into her. I'm sure that an hour or so of massaging them would cure her problem," Mrs. Emery said.

For the first time in a long time, Sean was speechless. Absolutely nothing came to mind. He stood there with his mouth opening and closing. Not even a nonsense sound or meaningless grunt managed to pass through his lips. He didn't even think of offering his services.

Suzie, on the other hand, had a lot to say. She said, "Maybe I should just have Sean massage them for an hour or two. How would you like that? I'm sure that Sean would just love to massage my breasts. I know that I would enjoy it."

"You know, that idea never crossed my mind," Mrs. Emery said rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

Somewhat off balanced by her mother's answer, Suzie said, "We can start right now if you want."

Sean swayed from side to side. The whole world faded from view as images of massaging Suzie's breasts flashed in front of his eyes. A small smile came to his face while he stared vacantly off into the distance.

Nonplussed, Mrs. Emery said, "I imagine you would want to wait until after lunch. You wouldn't want to interrupt your therapy session to have to eat."

"Are you saying that it is okay with you if Sean massages my breasts?" Suzie asked incredulously. She didn't think that her face could get much brighter red than it was. A vision of her mother watching them and making comments on technique flashed through her mind. She'd die if that were to ever happen.

"Well someone is going to have to do it. You'll have to deal with that swelling and stiffness sometime or another. I don't know how your breast ended up in his eye, but I'm pretty sure that he's partly to blame," Mrs. Emery said watching Suzie's reaction.

Suzie stood there looking at her mother speechless. Mothers weren't supposed to say things like that. She looked over at Sean wanting a little help in dealing with her mother and saw him standing there in a daze. She said, "I think Sean is about to faint."

Mrs. Emery grinned upon seeing Sean's blank face. She reached over and patted him on the cheek. She said, "Sean! Earth to Sean!"

Sean shook his head thinking that he had just experienced the weirdest daydream in history. He looked at Mrs. Emery and said, "Good day, Mrs. Emery. How are you?"

"I'm fine Sean. How are you?" she answered with a grin.

"I'm doing pretty good. I worked this morning and my boss gave me the rest of the day off," Sean answered.

"That's nice. I bet you thought you'd spend it with Suzie," Mrs. Emery said.

"That thought had crossed my mind," Sean said. He wasn't going to say what other thoughts had crossed his mind.

"I'm sure it did," Mrs. Emery said.

Horrified by the banal exchange taking place, Suzie said, "Look at what you did to him. He's got amnesia."

Mrs. Emery clicked her tongue and said, "I didn't do anything. He's just pretending that the whole conversation about massaging your breasts never took place. I think it is kind of sweet in a rather disturbing way. It makes you wonder what other thoughts run through that dirty little mind of his."

"I can assure you that there are no thoughts running through my dirty little mind," Sean said. He frowned when he realized what he had said and muttered, "That didn't come out right."

Mrs. Emery said, "Why don't you run on home and have lunch? Come back with your bathing suit. I'm sure that some time in the pool will be most enjoyable."

"A little time in the pool with Suzie does sound most enjoyable," Sean said looking over at Suzie.

"Run along now," Mrs. Emery said.

"Okay," Sean said. He stood on his tiptoes to wave to Suzie.

Suzie blew him a kiss and said, "I'll see you later, Sean."

"I can't wait to see you, Suzie," Sean replied. He would have kissed her goodbye but her mother was standing between them in the doorway. He turned and headed towards the path that ran behind the yard without thinking.

Once Sean was gone, Suzie looked at her mother and asked, "Did you have fun humiliating us like that?"

Mrs. Emery smiled at her daughter and said, "Yes."

"You could show a little remorse," Suzie said.

"Why?" Mrs. Emery asked.

Upon reaching home, his mother had pointed to the table and said, "Lunch is on the table. Eat up."

"Okay," Sean said watching his mother disappear down the hallway. She seemed to be in a hurry to get somewhere. Despite the odd behavior of his mother, Sean had a nice lunch with Lily. The BLT sandwiches and tomato soup was quite a treat.

Lily finished her meal and said, "I have to get dressed."

"Why?" Sean asked getting suspicious.

"We are going to the movies," Lily answered.

Sean frowned and said, "Nobody told me anything about going to the movies.

"You aren't going. It is just us ladies," Lily said.

Sean tried to remember what movies were playing. He looked up when his mother walked into the kitchen and burst out laughing. She was wearing a wild red wig, a scarf, and clothes that had gone out of style twenty years earlier. She was wearing bright pink blush and killer red lipstick. Sean would have bet that she was wearing green eye shadow, but it was hard to tell since her eyes were covered by a cheap pair of sunglasses. Barely able to keep his laughter under control, he asked, "What are you wearing?"

"A disguise," his mother answered. She turned in place and asked, "Do I look like me?"

"Yes," Sean answered.

"I'm not a redhead and I have a much better fashion sense than this outfit suggests," his mother said.

"Don't tell me you are going to see the new Bond film," Sean said.

"Okay, I won't tell you that," his mother said. ""We're going to a costume party."

"Do you expect me to believe that?" Sean asked.

"Yes." She turned to Lily and said, "I've got your outfit ready for you. You've got to be in disguise too. We don't want the mean old man at the, uh, costume party to recognize you."

"You are going to see that new Bond film," Sean said. Visions of getting a call from the police to pick her up from the police station started to float through his mind.

"We're going to a costume party," his mother said.

"They'll have you arrested," Sean said.

"Even if I were to go to the movie theater, they would never recognize me in this disguise," his mother said. She flipped her hair with a hand and added, "I'll be chewing gum too."

"They've got your picture on the wall at the theater with a sign that says not to allow you in for James Bond films," Sean said.

"I know," his mother said waving a hand through the air as if chasing away a fly. She pouted and said, "It isn't even a good picture of me. I look perfectly horrible in it."

Sean said, "I thought it was a remarkably good picture. It captured the inner you."

Lily asked, "Is it the one with mom sticking her tongue out?"

"Yes," Sean answered.

"I like that picture," Lily said.

"Go and get dressed."

"Yes, Mom," Lily said before leaving the kitchen.

His mother said, "You might want to drive my car over to Suzie's house in case you have to come pick us up."

Sean frowned and asked, "How will you get to the movie theater if I'm driving your car?"

"I've got a ride to the costume party," his mother answered. She looked down the hall and said, "I better check on Lily."

Sean watched his mother leave the kitchen. He wondered who would possibly give her a ride to the movie theater. The logical answer was Mrs. Emery since she usually participated in these little outings. That problem was that he was expecting to see her when he went back to have a swim with Suzie. After all of that talk about massaging breasts she was going to hover over Suzie like a vulture over a dying cow. There was no way she was going to let him near Suzie. He was still pondering the issue when the doorbell rang. His mother shouted, "Get the door."

Sean opened the door to find that he was looking straight at Mrs. Emery. She was wearing an old dress, a crazy hat, and a sweater with a rip in it. In her hand was a handbag that looked more like a suitcase than a woman's fashion accessory. Shocked by her appearance, he asked, "Is that really you?"

"Who did you think it was?" Mrs. Emery asked.

"For a second there I wasn't sure," Sean said stepping back from the door.

Pleased by his uncertainty, Mrs. Emery asked, "Do you like my disguise?"

"You look like a bag lady," Sean said.

"Thank you. I was going for the bag lady look," Mrs. Emery said entering the house.

"You got it although you might want to try looking a little dirtier," Sean said while closing the door. She was pretty clean for a bag lady. Of course, he had never seen a bag lady in his little town so his opinion wasn't based on personal observation.

Mrs. Emery replied, "You and your dirty mind. If I didn't like you so much, I wouldn't let you date Suzie. Of course, she's got a dirty mind too. Wait until you see what she's got planned for your visit this afternoon."

"What?" Sean asked.

Mrs. Emery smiled and said, "I don't know, but I know that she has high expectations. She was just too excited when I told her I wouldn't be back for three hours. She ran off shouting something about having to change the sheeps."

"Sheeps?" Sean asked with a puzzled expression on his face.

"It might have been sheets," Mrs. Emery said.

"Oh," Sean said, "Oh!"

"Where's your mother?" Mrs. Emery asked changing the subject.

"I'm here," Sean's mother answered entering the living room. Lily, dressed up like Little Orphan Annie, followed behind her.

Posing prettily, Lily said, "I'm in disguise."

"No one will know who you three are," Sean said rolling his eyes.

"I can't wait to visit the police station again," Lily said with a big grin, "Last time they gave me candy."

"Shh! He thinks we're going to a costume party," his mother said leaning down to Lily.

Glancing at the clock, Mrs. Emery said, "We better get going. The costume party starts in half an hour and it will take most of that time to get there."

Sean watched the three females head towards the door. Just before opening it, his mother said, "Wash the dishes."

"Yes, Mom," Sean said watching Lily skip out to the car. Mrs. Emery stepped through the door.

"I hope the actor who comes to the costume party as Sean Connery is better than the last one," his mother said to Mrs. Emery.

"You're not fooling anyone," Sean said.

"Did you bring the supplies?" his mother asked.

"Yes," Mrs. Emery answered. She lifted her purse and said, "It's all in here."

"You didn't!" Sean yelled.

"We'll be back in three hours," Mrs. Emery called out as the door slammed shut.

Sean returned to the kitchen to wash the dishes. As he worked, he muttered, "That's about right. It will take them half an hour to get to the movie theater. They'll get arrested and then they'll call me to bail them out. That'll eat up another half an hour. I'll have to drive there for half an hour. Then it will take an hour to get them out of jail. Then it will take some time to pick up their car and for them to drive back. That's about three hours."

He finished putting the dishes into the dishwasher. He went to his room and grabbed his wallet. He went to the drawer and looked at the money in it. He wondered how much it would cost to bail his mother out of jail. The last time had cost two hundred dollars. He grabbed five hundred from the drawer. He grabbed his swimsuit despite being convinced that he wouldn't get a chance to wear it. It was ten minutes later when he pulled in Suzie's driveway. He figured his mother was getting to the movie theater about that same time.

Excited about what she was hoping would happen; Suzie was waiting at the door. She had spent the past half hour making sure that everything was perfect for his visit. Waving him into the house, she said, "Mom went to a costume party with your mother and Lily. We've got almost three hours without our mothers around."

"No, we've got about twenty minutes," Sean said not nearly as excited as Suzie.

Suzie frowned at his lack of excitement and asked, "Why do you say that?"

"They aren't going to a costume party," Sean said finally reaching the door of the house.

A feeling of dread slowly rose in Suzie. She asked, "Where are they going?"

"They are going to the movie theater to watch the new Bond film," Sean said.

"Not again!"

"I know," Sean said following Suzie into the house.

Closing the door, Suzie said, "Dad is going to be pissed."

"These parents, they never listen to you. You just can't tell them a thing," Sean said.

"Tell me about it," Suzie said rolling her eyes.

Sean held up his swimming suit and asked, "Until they call, would you like to take a swim?"

"I've got a better idea," Suzie said while undoing a button on her blouse.

"Uh," Sean said feeling the hoard of butterflies taking flight in his stomach. Mrs. Emery's comment about changing the sheets flashed through his mind. The bathing suit dropped from his numb fingers and landed on the floor at his feet.

Suzie stepped up to him and kissed him. She stepped back and said, "We are all alone in the house."

"All alone," Sean said. He couldn't remember ever being all alone with Suzie in her house.

"There's no one to watch us, not even the dwarves or the fairies," Suzie said undoing another button of her blouse.

"No dwarves and no fairies," Sean echoed watching her fingers work the next button of her blouse. From where he was standing, it was pretty obvious that she wasn't wearing a bra.

She undid another button and said, "Do any ideas come to mind?"

"Oh, yeah," Sean said licking his lips.

She released her blouse and it fell open just enough to tease, but not enough to actually show anything. She asked, "What would you like to do?"

There were a hundred things that Sean wanted to do. Unfortunately, he couldn't decide which of them he wanted to do first. Trying to say all of them at the same time, he answered, "Glabber kliss bon bons."

"I was hoping you'd say that," Suzie said with a light little laugh. Nothing made her feel more like a woman than rendering a man incoherent.

Suzie turned her back to him and stepped away. She did a little move with her shoulders and then her blouse fell on the floor beside his swimsuit. Without saying a word, she walked away. The top half of her body was bare all of the way down to the top of her skirt. Like any normal red blooded teenage boy, Sean followed gazing upon her bare back. Suzie paused about halfway down the hallway. There was a little shake of her hips and her skirt fell to the floor leaving her naked except for her panties. She resumed her casual walk down the hallway. Like an obedient puppy, Sean followed. Much like a puppy, he kept tripping over his own feet.

Suzie reached the door to her bedroom and closed it almost completely before Sean got there. She stuck her head out and said, "You can come in when you've gotten rid of your shirt, pants, shoes, and socks."

"Yunko," Sean said fumbling for the buttons on his tee-shirt. His inability to find them confused him for a second and then he realized that there were no buttons. He pulled his shirt off and tossed it down the hall. Making the same mistake that millions of young men in his situation had made, Sean attempted to remove his pants before taking off his shoes. With his pants bunched up around his ankles, he jumped on one foot trying to remove his sneaker. When it finally fell to the floor, he hopped on the other foot trying to remove the other sneaker. One hop was off and he fell to the floor. The sneaker was quickly removed. In his mad rush, he couldn't remember when he removed his socks or where he had put them. Still sitting on the floor, he pulled his pants off.

Rising from the floor clad only in his tight white underwear, Sean was ready to charge through the door. The first two steps of his approach started out at as a charge, but he faltered before making it there. The enormity of what he was about to do swung down and hit him like a brick. He was about to make love to a girl that he really liked, maybe even loved.

The butterflies took that moment to practice dogfights in his stomach. They must have invited a bunch of friends because it was starting to get crowded in there. He had to swallow hard to keep them in his stomach. His breathing turned shallow, his hands shook, his face turned pale, and his cock lost a little of its erection. He knocked on the door and asked, "Are you ready for me?"

"Yes," Suzie answered hurriedly making minor changes to her position on the bed. She wished there was a mirror that would let her know how she looked to him. She wanted to look perfect for this once in a life experience.

Sean opened the door to her room. His eyes sought her out only stopping when he saw her lying on the bed with her arms curled above her head and her legs slightly spread. She was still wearing her panties and nothing else. Spread out on display for his visual pleasure, Sean gazed upon her thinking that he had never seen any sight more beautiful than that. In a soft voice, he said, "You're beautiful."

Suzie gazed up at Sean taking in his body. She didn't see the scrawny arms and thin legs. She saw that he was waiting for her to be comfortable with his lack of clothes. She didn't see a face that would never grace a magazine cover. She saw the wit and humor written on it. She said, "You're handsome."

"I love you," Sean said not caring that his erection was tenting his underwear and made him look ridiculous.

"Come here. Touch me, lick me, and kiss me. I want you to take me to heaven and then I will do the same for you," Suzie said. There was a low seductive tone to her voice that sent chills down his spine.

Sean was only too glad to cooperate. Rather than running to the bed, he took his time approaching it. It felt like he was going to someplace sacred. His hand trembled when he reached out and touched her. He ran his hand over her face; tracing her jaw line with a trembling finger. He ran his fingers through her hair enjoying the silky tingle left by the hair. His eyes followed his hands. He ran a finger over a blemish seeing it not as an imperfection but as a necessity to remind him that she was human.

With half closed eyes, her head leaned into his hand. Her skin started turning a light pink. Her breathing became shallow and jagged. Her mouth opened just a touch and a long low moan was emitted. Fascinated, Sean watched all of the changes. His hand swept over to trace the reddened skin, his finger raced up to softly trace out her lips. A little shiver went through her. He kissed her and got lost in the kiss.

He traced the features of her neck pausing to feel the life pulsing through her body. Her pulse was a little high. He ran a hand along the side of her neck and to the back. He rubbed the back of her neck finding that she shifted to a more relaxed position.

About the time that Sean's hands had progressed through their journey over Suzie's body to reach her breasts, the telephone started ringing. Neither one heard the phone. Suzie's brain was in the land of pleasure. Her body was tight and vibrating like a bell that's just been struck. Sean was too awestruck by what he was doing to notice anything as trivial as a telephone. His eyes drank in the magnificence that was her body.

Suzie had been getting more excited with each minute that Sean had stroked and caressed her body. Each inch of skin that he touched had taken her to a higher plane of excitement. She'd always thought that sex involved lots of kissing, grunting, and mashing of various body parts together. She had never thought about how sexually exciting touch could be. By the time Sean had reached her breasts, she was wound tighter than a clock. His mouth sucking on her nipple took her over the edge. She came.

Sean was taken completely by surprise when Suzie suddenly arched her back, screamed, and bucked. He scrambled back and looked at the contorted expression on her face. He recognized what was happening and grinned at the idea that he done that to her. His cock was hard as a rock and tenting his underwear almost painfully.

About the time that she relaxed, he noticed the telephone ringing. With Suzie out of it, he picked up the phone beside her bed and answered, "Emery residence."

"I've been calling for thirty minutes! What have you been doing?" Mrs. Emery shouted.

Sean glanced over at Suzie and didn't want to explain what he had just done. Instead, he asked, "How is the costume party?"

"We're not at a costume party," Mrs. Emery said.

"You're not?" Sean asked trying to sound surprised. He wasn't surprised to learn that.

Mrs. Emery said, "We were caught trying to sneak into the movie and now we are at the police station. Would you come pick us up?"

"I'm not sure that my girlfriend's mother would appreciate me hanging out with felons," Sean said with a grin. At hearing herself being described as his girlfriend, Suzie smiled up at him.

"Get dressed and get over here," Mrs. Emery said.

"Okay," Sean said wondering how she knew that he needed to get dressed.

"You'll need to bring three hundred dollars. Your mother says it is on the counter at home," Mrs. Emery said.

"It was only two hundred dollars the last time you two were arrested," Sean said.

"Just bring it," Mrs. Emery said before hanging up the phone.

Suzie looked up at Sean when he hung up the phone. Based on the expression on his face, she knew what had happened. Stating what was obvious, she said, "They are in jail."

"That's right," Sean said. He sighed and said, "We've got to go get them out."

"There's some swelling that needs to be taken care of before we go there," Suzie said sitting up in the bed.

"What swelling?" Sean asked stupidly. Suzie giggled and pointed at his briefs. Sean said, "Oh, I guess our moms can wait."



-------

Chapter 17


Holding hands, Sean and Suzie entered the police offices located in the municipal building. The main door led them to a small waiting room. There was a little booth at the far wall with a woman seated behind it. Next to the booth was a door with an electronic lock. The door led to the actual offices used by the police. Sean stepped up to the booth and said, "Hello."

"You must be the Michaels boy," the woman said. There wasn't much going on except for the two women being held in the jail cell.

"Yes," Sean answered.

"Are you here to pick up your mother?" the woman asked. She couldn't wait for six o'clock to arrive so that she could head home.

"What are my options?" Sean asked. Suzie hit his arm.

"Huh?"

"Do I have to take her home with me or can I leave her here?" Sean asked.

The woman frowned and then answered, "You should take her home."

"Then I guess I'm here to pick her up," Sean said.

The woman hit a button and the door started buzzing. She said, "Go on through. The Chief is waiting for you."

"Thank you," Sean said.

Sean and Suzie went through the door. Chief Fastman was seated at his desk with his hands laced behind his head. Lily was on the chair next to his desk merrily licking a sucker. She was swinging her legs back and forth. She waved to Sean when he entered the room. Sean waved back to her.

The single cell at the far end of the room held his mother and Mrs. Emery. Mrs. Emery was standing near the cell door looking pretty miserable. His mother was on the bed trying to hum some tune that was appropriate for prison. Since she didn't know any prison songs, she was butchering the song — Home On the Range.

The pair of young adults walked over to the chief's desk. Sean said, "We're here to bail out our mothers."

"I've been expecting you," Chief Fastman said thinking that taking care of this would take only a few minutes. He looked back at the cell and said, "Those two desperados have been a lot quieter this visit than the last time they were here."

"I'm glad to hear that," Sean said. He asked, "What did they do?"

"They tried to sneak into the theater to watch a James Bond film. The owner tried to keep them out, but they tried to force their way in anyway. The owner of the theater wanted them charged with assault with a deadly weapon, but the judge dismissed that charge. He said that silly string wasn't a deadly weapon. All we got them on was disturbing the peace and trespassing," Chief Fastman answered.

"Silly string, huh?" Sean said. He glanced over at the cell and gave the two women disapproving looks.

"That's right."

In a serious tone of voice, Sean said, "There should be age limits on purchasing products like that. Of course, they could have used my little sister to front for them when they went to purchase it. Old folks have been known to do that before going on a crime spree involving juvenile products."

"It wouldn't surprise me," Chief Fastman said with a smile.

"Hello, Sean," Lily said.

"Hello, Lily. Enjoying your visit?" Sean asked.

Lily nodded her head and said, "This is the third sucker they've given me. This is lemon flavored. I already had cherry and grape."

Smiling at Lily, Suzie said, "That looks really good. I could use one of those."

Chief Fastman reached into his drawer and pulled out another sucker. He handed it to Suzie. Turning back to Sean, he said, "You know that the fine is three hundred dollars."

Sean said, "I know. I brought the money with me."

"Okay."

Sean turned towards the jail cell and shouted, "You know that this is going to come out of your allowances, don't you?"

"Trying to teach them some responsibility?" Chief Fastman asked. He had no idea how many times he'd heard parents saying those exact words to their kids.

Nodding his head, Sean said, "I'm trying."

"It is going to take a couple minutes to fill out the paperwork."

"That's okay. Take your time. It might do them some good to keep them in that cell for a little while. Maybe they'll learn their lesson," Sean said.

"Do you want to talk to them?" Chief Fastman asked.

"I guess I should," Sean said with a sigh. He shook his head sadly and added, "You know how it is with these senile delinquents. You talk and you talk to them, but it is like talking to a wall. It goes in one ear and out the other. What is a child to do?"

Chief Fastman chuckled. He answered, "I don't know."

"We try to raise our parents right, but they just turn out bad," Sean said shaking his head as if disgusted.

"You probably should have thrown more tantrums when you were younger," the Chief offered.

"You might be right. Spare the tantrum and spoil the parent," Sean said.

"That's a good one. I'm going to have to remember that," Chief Fastman said laughing out loud.

"You wouldn't happen to have a relative that works over at the hardware store over in Springfield?" Sean asked.

"No," Chief Fastman asked, "Why?"

"He kept saying that same thing to me when I was there this morning," Sean answered.

"Sorry," Chief Fastman said.

Sean went over to the cell and looked inside. The pair of mothers looked back at him. Shaking his head, he said, "It is hard to believe that you two are prison babes."

"Don't start," his mother said.

Smiling at her, Sean said, "I've been raised better than that."

His mother said, "Oh God, he's never going to shut up."

"Have they taken you out to work on the chain gang, yet?" Sean asked with a smile.

"No," his mother said.

Mrs. Emery asked, "What chain gang?"

"They've got this swamp south of town that requires draining. There are alligators and poisonous snakes all over the place. I've heard that prisoners who don't behave disappear out there all of the time. They say it is alligators, but stories suggest otherwise," Sean said.

Listening to Sean talking, Chief Fastman looked over at him and said, "We got rid of the swamp years ago."

"They've got this mine south of town that they are digging. There are giant poisonous spiders and blood sucking bats all over that mine. The deeper you go, the bigger the bats get and the thirstier they are. I've heard that prisoners who don't behave disappear in there all of the time. They say it is cave-ins, but stories suggest otherwise," Sean said.

"We closed the mine," Chief Fastman said wondering what Sean would come up with next.

"They've got this road south of town that they are building. They have the women prisoners go out there in wet tee-shirts and hot pants. There are perverts and psychos out there. I've heard that prisoners who don't behave disappear out there all of the time. They say that is UFOs, but the stories suggest otherwise," Sean said.

Chief Fastman was about to say something, but Suzie winked at the Chief and said, "He's just getting started."

"What do the stories suggest?" his mother asked.

"They become part of the road," Sean said.

"Steam rollers?" his mother asked.

"That's right," Sean said, "We're going to miss you."

"Why?" his mother asked.

"It is a long story filled with twists and turns of a most improbable nature. Are you sure that you want to hear it?" Sean said.

"Sure," Mrs. Emery said. She slapped a hand over her mouth as soon as she realized what she said.

Sean said, "The owner of that theater is going to have a James Bond Festival. Not just any festival, but one that lasts three days. He's going to show every James Bond film ever made."

"That man is so cruel that he would do that," his mother said.

"He's a vile man," Mrs. Emery said nodding her head in agreement with his mother.

"It gets worse. He's going to invite Sean Connery, but you'll be banned from the theater," Sean said shaking his head.

"That won't stop me," his mother said.

"That's the tragedy. In a mad fit of passion, you'll do what you think is necessary to get into the theater. Once inside you'll attempt to have your way with Sean Connery," Sean said.

"What happens then?" Suzie asked.

"Unfortunately, his wife will be there and she'll take a very dim view of my mother's actions. Mom will be arrested for engaging in various kinds of mayhem," Sean said.

"Mayhem," Suzie said shaking her head. She clicked her tongue and added, "That's terrible."

"It would be worth it," his mother said.

"A few minutes of bliss with Sean Connery," Mrs. Emery said with a sigh.

"We'll run. They'll never find us," his mother said.

"That is the ill founded hope of all criminals. After a nationwide man-hunt, you'll be found and sent to jail," Sean said.

His mother said, "Those coppers will never find me."

Sean smiled and said, "The police won't find you. You'll be found by other women who are fans of Sean Connery and are angered that you got to him before them."

"Those tramps," Mrs. Emery said.

"They're just jealous," his mother said.

"Tragic," Suzie said.

Police Chief Fastman sat back in his chair watching Sean talk to his mother. He hoped that the surveillance camera was recording the entire conversation. He was going to take it home and show it to the wife. She was a big fan of Sean Connery.

Sean said, "You'll be sent off to work on the road."

"Not the road!" his mother said.

"One day we'll be driving home and when we pass mile marker one hundred, Dad will say, 'Kids, we just drove over your mother.' We'll take a moment of silence and then go back to singing a Hundred Bottles of Beer On the Wall."

Lily said, "I love that song."

"I'm touched knowing that you'd actually stop singing for a minute in my honor," his mother said. She acted like she was wiping tears from her eyes.

"I said a moment, not a minute," Sean said correcting her.

"I stand corrected," his mother said.

Sean looked over at Mrs. Emery and asked, "Has my mother started making eyes at you?"

"No," Mrs. Emery said.

Leaning over toward her, Sean said, "I've seen all of the prison movies. First she'll start looking at you funny. Then she'll start making obscene gestures involving fingers and sticking her tongue out at you. You'll find it a little disturbing, but that's not the worst of it. It is when she starts asking you, 'Who's your momma?' that it is time to ask for a new cell."

"I'll remember that," Mrs. Emery said. She gave Suzie a pleading look as if hoping that her daughter would rescue her from Sean.

"You better. I've lived with her for eighteen years. You wouldn't believe the horrors I've witnessed," Sean said.

"What kind of horrors?" Mrs. Emery asked.

"I would tell you, but you'll have nightmares for the rest of your life," Sean said.

"I'm strong," Mrs. Emery said.

Sean looked around and leaned forward. He said, "She doesn't cut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the diagonal. She cuts them crosswise."

Lily nodded her head and said, "It is true."

"You don't?" Mrs. Emery said.

"I confess, Lily did it," his mother answered pointing at Lily.

Suzie asked, "Can you charge her with a crime?"

Trying to keep a straight face, Chief Fastman said, "It is truly a horrifying thing that she's done, but I don't think it is against the law."

Lily said, "Why not?"

"I don't know," Chief Fastman answered wondering from what planet these people were from.

"If state law requires the littlest person in a room to be the one who has to fetch a towel, then there should be law about how to cut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," Lily said. She licked her sucker and looked at Chief Fastman.

"Who told you about that law?"

"The criminal over there," Lily answered pointing at her mother.

"I'm not aware of that law," Chief Fastman said shaking his head.

"You might want to look it up. Mom knows all kinds of laws like that," Lily said.

Sean asked, "So how did you get caught?"

"We were buying tickets when Lily went over to my picture on the wall and said, 'With your disguise on you don't look at all like your picture.' I hoped that the owner didn't hear her, but he came charging out of his office like shot," his mother said.

"Well, you didn't look like your picture," Lily said.

Mrs. Emery said, "I think the girl at the ticket counter was suspicious. She kept looking over at your picture."

"That doesn't mean anything," his mother said.

"She did ask you to cross your eyes and stick out your tongue," Mrs. Emery said.

"She asks that of everyone," his mother said.

"I'm sure that it is a pathological condition on her part," Sean said.

"Oh, it is. I tell you, she probably chases off more customers than could ever be attributed to bad actors impersonating Sean Connery," his mother said.

"Truly sad," Sean said.

Chief Fastman said, "I've finished the paperwork. All you need to do is give me the money for the fine and sign the paperwork."

Sean's mother glanced at the clock. She said, "There's another showing at 5:30."

"We can just make it if we leave now," Mrs. Emery said.

Lily asked, "Are we going to get arrested again?"

Sean went over to Chief Fastman and asked, "Can you break a ten thousand dollar bill?"

"No," Chief Fastman said.

"Darn. Suzie and I will have to go over to the bank to get some change. We'll be back around five-thirty," Sean said looking over at his mother.

"Spoil sport," his mother said.

Mrs. Emery said, "He's no fun. I have no idea what my daughter sees in him."

"Hormones," his mother said. She looked up at the ceiling and said, "Young women and their hormones. It is a tragic combination."

"You're right. Many a pretty girl has ended up with a stick-in-the-mud boy because of hormones," Mrs. Emery said.

Suzie said, "We won't be back until six. We're going to stop and have some pie before coming back here."

"Can I have some pie too?" Lily asked.

"Sure," Sean answered.

Chief Fastman said, "You're not leaving here without them."

"Drat," Sean said.

"I guess that means no pie," Lily said.

"I guess not," Suzie said.

Sean paid the fine and Chief Fastman released the two women from the cell. He said, "You'll spend the night in here if you go back to the movie theater. Do you understand that?"

"Yes," his mother said.

"Yes," Mrs. Emery said.

Sean said, "Go straight home. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars."

"Okay," his mother said. She looked over at Lily and said, "You're coming with us."

"Can we get some pie?" Lily asked.

"No, it will spoil your appetite," her mother answered.

Sean looked over at Suzie. She was licking the sucker in what could only be described as a sexy manner. Feeling nervous for some reason, he asked, "Would you like to go out with me tonight?"

"Is this a real date?" Suzie asked.

"Yes," Sean said swallowing heavily. He'd die if she said no.

"I'd love to go on a date with you," Suzie said with a smile. She did an obscene thing involving her mouth and the sucker.

"Mom, I'm taking Suzie out on a date," Sean said.

Suzie said, "Sean's asked me out on a date."

Watching Suzie attempt to give the sucker an orgasm, Mrs. Emery said, "Be home by midnight."

"Yes, mom," Suzie said.

Sean's mother said, "You kids be good and don't get into any trouble."

"Do you need a ride?" Sean asked.

"No. We parked halfway between the theater and the police station," his mother answered.

Sean watched his mother leave with Lily and Mrs. Emery. He turned to Suzie with a smile on his face and said, "That was fun."

Suzie asked, "How much do you want to bet that they try to get in the movie theater?"

"Nothing," Sean said. He shook his head and said, "These senile delinquents. They never learn."

Chief Fastman said, "If I've heard that once, I've heard it a thousand times."

"I take it you've had a rash of senile delinquency lately," Sean said.

"Not really," Chief Fastman replied.

"Let's go. We've got a date," Suzie said grabbing Sean's hand. She asked, "Where are we going?"

Sean asked, "Would you like to see a movie?"

"Sure. What's playing?" Suzie asked.

"There's a new James Bond film at the movie theater. I have it on good authority that there's a showing that starts at 5:30. We'll make it if we leave right now," Sean answered.

"Sounds good," Suzie said.

Chief Fastman watched the young couple leave. As soon as they were out the door, he burst out laughing. It took him a full three minutes to recover. He reached over for the radio on his desk.

Sean pulled out of the parking lot and stopped at the one traffic light in town. He noticed six police cars headed towards the municipal building with their lights and sirens on. He watched them pull in and park behind the building. He said, "It must be a shift change."

"Maybe," Suzie said looking over at the police streaming into the building. She asked, "Is that guy carrying a bag of popcorn?"

"I can't tell," Sean said.



-------

Chapter 18


"Morning, Sam," Sean said putting a cup of coffee on the counter.

"You look horrible," Sam said.

"I'm sure that I look better than I feel," Sean said. He had never had coffee, but hoped that it would help jump start his brain.

"Bad night?" Sam asked. Sean had dark bags under his eyes. It looked like he was having a hard time focusing. The only time Sam looked like that was after pulling an all-nighter studying for a test at college.

"Great night," Sean answered.

"Oh, I get it. You've got a hangover," Sam said nodding his head knowingly. He'd had a few mornings like that.

"Nope," Sean said. He shook his head and tried to focus his eyes. He said, "Late night and early morning. I only had about three hours of sleep."

"It wouldn't happen to have anything to do with your mother?" Sam asked.

"My mother? What do you mean?" Sean asked. His face was scrunched in confusion while he tried to figure out what Sam meant. The date had driven all thoughts about his mother's time spent in jail. Little details started returning to him.

"Did you happen to see the paper?" Sam asked gesturing to the stack of the local papers next to the counter. The paper came out twice a week. He didn't know it, but they had literally stopped the press to incorporate the article about Sean's mother. In middle of a slow news time for a slow news city, charges of disturbing the peace and trespassing almost constituted a crime spree.

"No," Sean answered. He wondered why his mother hadn't mentioned anything about her little trip to jail over breakfast. Now that he thought of it, his mother had been rather quiet that morning.

"Your mother is on the front page," Sam said.

Sean yawned and rubbed his eyes. He asked, "Does it have her picture?"

"Uh, yes," Sam answered wondering what Sean's reaction would be to the picture they had used in the paper.

Sean reached over and grabbed a copy of the newspaper. He looked at the front page and focused his eyes on the picture. He said, "Oh, they used that one. She'll be glad to see that."

"She's got her eyes crossed and is sticking out her tongue at the camera," Sam said looking down at the picture. The only reason he had even read the paper that morning was because of the picture.

"I know. It is the picture of her that they have over at the movie theater," Sean said. He said,

"She gets that picture in the paper about once a year; sometimes twice a year. She doesn't normally get on the front page like this."

"Is she going to sue?" Sam asked. If such an unflattering picture of him was ever published in a newspaper, he would definitely sue.

"No, she provided them with the picture years ago. This is just another article about her that is going to go in her scrapbook," Sean answered.

"Were you the one that bailed her out?" Sam asked.

"Yes," Sean said.

Shaking his head, Sam said, "They said that you were very mature in dealing with the situation."

"I'm in the article?" Sean asked putting the paper back on the stack from which he had gotten it.

"Yes. Aren't you going to buy it?" Sam asked.

"No. My mother will buy a couple dozen copies," Sean answered shrugging his shoulders.

"It must be weird growing up with a mother like that," Sam said.

Sean yawned and said, "Not really. It is just that about once a year, she and Mrs. Emery decide that it is time to raise a little hell."

"Strange," Sam said. He decided that normal was whatever you grew up with.

"Hey, are you going to stand there gabbing all day or are you going pay for that stuff?" the guy standing in line behind Sean asked.

"Decisions, decisions. Let me think about it," Sean answered.

"I don't have all day," the man groused. He was holding a gallon of milk. He added, "I've got to get this home for the kid's breakfast and then head off to work."

Sam rolled his eyes. It never failed that Sean was the source of complaints whenever he came in the store first thing in the morning. He rang up the coffee and said, "The coffee is a dollar ten."

Sean said, "That's outrageous. A can of soda costs half that. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"Why should I be ashamed?" Sam asked.

"Soda has a lot more ingredients and comes in an expensive metal can. This has one ingredient and comes in a cheap paper cup," Sean said pointing at the cup on the counter.

"Over at Buckstars, the coffee is four dollars a cup," Sam said not feeling any shame at all.

"It better taste better than a soda," Sean said eying the cup of coffee with suspicion.

"Come on, kid. Reach in your pocket and get out your money," the guy said. He muttered, "She should have known that we were out of milk last night. Now I'm going to be late for work."

Sean paid for his coffee and stepped out of line. He examined the cup and said, "I bet this stuff is more expensive than gasoline."

"It is," Sam said taking the gallon of milk from the man to scan it.

"I hope it tastes good," Sean said.

"That will be four seventy-nine," Sam said after ringing up the gallon of milk.

"I never realized that milk is more expensive than gasoline," the customer said handing over a five dollar bill.

"So is bottled water," Sam said.

The man looked at Sam and asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yes. At a dollar forty nine for a twenty ounce bottle, a gallon of bottled water costs twice as much as gasoline," Sam said.

"That doesn't make sense," the man said shaking his head. He said, "Water is basically free coming out of the tap."

"It makes perfect sense," Sean said.

"In what way does it make sense?" the man asked.

"Bottled water is worth a dollar forty-nine for a twenty ounce bottle because people pay that much for it," Sean said. Seeing the expression on the guy's face, Sean added, "Tap water is worthless. When did you ever see a commercial urging you to buy tap water?"

"Never," the man admitted.

"There you go," Sean said. He took a sip of his coffee and grimaced while he swallowed it. He said, "Gads, that is horrible. Why would anyone in their right mind drink this stuff?"

"Commercials," the man said picking up his change and the gallon of milk. He headed out the store without a backwards glance.

"He's right," Sam said.

"Darn. I was afraid of that," Sean said. He sighed and said, "I guess I'll just have to learn to like coffee."

"Why?" Sam asked.

"If word gets around that some people don't like coffee, then everyone will know that the commercials have got the facts wrong. Next thing you know, people will stop buying coffee and then they will stop buying bottled water. All those people who fill the little bottles with water will be laid-off. Then the clerks who sell bottled water at convenience stores will lose their jobs.

After that, the entire economy of the country will go down the tubes," Sean said.

"That's real thoughtful of you to protect the economy like that," Sam said.

"I'd hate for you to lose your job," Sean said.

"Well, enjoy your coffee," Sam said shaking his head.

Sean said, "I guess I better get to work."

"I thought you were working at the Dairy King," Sam said. He knew that it didn't open until eleven. That was hours away.

"I am," Sean said.

"Why are you going in there now?" Sam asked.

"I thought I'd practice climbing the corporate ladder," Sean answered.

"Have at it," Sam said shaking his head.

Sean stepped out the convenience store still carrying his cup of coffee. He got about ten yards from the store and tried another sip of the coffee. It didn't taste any better than the first sip. He poured it out on the ground and said, "Sorry Sam, you're going to get laid-off. You could get a job at the Dairy King. Of course, I'd be your supervisor."

Sean paused for a moment while thinking about it. He said, "That would be fun. I could even have him wear a costume and parade around in front of the store. Nah, I couldn't do that even if a penguin outfit would be perfect on a hot day."

Sean arrived at the Dairy King a few minutes later. He got out the packages of sandpaper and a pair of scissors. He carried it all to a picnic table. He yawned and said, "He said the 80 grit paper first and then the 120."

He pulled out two sheets of the 80 grit sandpaper. The guy at the hardware store had told him to cut the sheets to size for the sanding block. Sean didn't plan on using the sanding block, but the idea of cutting it into smaller parts made some sense to him. He cut the large sheets into quarters and ordered each quarter to start sanding. He sat back and watched them work. He grabbed two sheets of the 120 grit sandpaper and cut them into quarters. He ordered them to start sanding the places where the 80 grit sandpaper had already sanded.

Sitting back, he watched the little squares scrub the wall of the building with an energy that no human being could match. The dust created by sanding filled the air. He said, "That's amazing."

The sheets of sandpaper inched across the building working their way left to right and top to bottom. The 80 grit sandpaper worked an area about two feet ahead of the 120 grit sandpaper.

He watched them get through about two passes before his lack of sleep finally caught up to him. He crossed his arms on the table and laid his head down. A few minutes later he was sound asleep.

Sean woke to the sensation of someone poking a finger in his side. Startled, he sat up and looked around. Expecting to find that it was Lily waking him, he was surprised to find a short man dressed in an odd looking green suit staring at him. The little man definitely wasn't human. Sean asked, "Who and what are you?"

"Who and what are you?" asked the short man.

"I'm Sean and I'm a human."

"I'm Liam and I'm a Leprechaun."

"Please to meet you, Liam," Sean said thinking that he should have known that. The man was dressed like a Leprechaun.

"What are you doing?" Liam asked pointing to the building.

Sean looked over at the wall and noticed that the nice square pieces of sandpaper had turned into tattered little scraps. Progress in terms of sanding the wall had slowed to a crawl. It was definitely past time to replace the sandpaper. He answered, "I'm feathering the paint."

Liam looked at Sean for a second and then asked, "Shouldn't you be using a bird for that?"

"You know, I thought that at first too," Sean replied. He picked up a pack of sandpaper and pulled out a sheet. While he cut the sheet into quarters, he said, "It turns out that feathering paint has nothing to do with real feathers. It is all about making things smooth."

"That paper makes things smooth?" Liam asked skeptically.

"It does," Sean answered.

Liam reached out and touched the paper. He said, "It is rough. You'd think it would make things rough."

"It does," Sean said.

"You just told me it makes things smooth," Liam said thinking that he'd show this human that it wasn't good to play games with a Leprechaun.

"That's the strange thing about sandpaper. If the surface is already smooth, it can make it rough. If the surface is rough, it can make it smooth," Sean said looking at the sandpaper. He ordered the first eight pieces to go to the trashcan and sent the pieces he had just cut to replace them.

"That is strange," Liam said.

"I agree with you," Sean said nodding his head.

Liam asked, "How does it know which to do?"

"That's a good question. I have no idea why it works," Sean asked.

Liam ran a hand over the surface of the table and said, "This is rough. Will that paper make it smooth?"

Sean cut another sheet into quarters and ordered one of the quarters to sand the tabletop. He said, "You can see for yourself."

Liam watched the sandpaper go to work on the table. He shook his head after a minute and said, "That is amazing. The only magic involved is in moving the paper."

"Yes," Sean said.

"Have you seen any other Leprechauns around?" Liam asked.

Sean shook his head and said, "You're the first I've seen."

"Oh," Liam said, "I'm sure another one or two will show up eventually."

Sean looked at Liam and said, "I always thought that Leprechauns lived in Ireland."

"We live where we are brought back," Liam said. Leprechauns didn't have a reputation for traveling around much. In fact, they tended to be rather lazy. He looked around and said, "I'll miss the old country. It seems to me that it is a little hotter here than there."

"You can always go back there for a visit," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

"That's a long way to swim," Liam said. He wasn't going to mention that Leprechauns were lousy swimmers -- they had a tendency to sink. It had something to do with being denser than water.

"You could fly there," Sean said.

Liam laughed at the idea of flying over the ocean and said, "I'm a Leprechaun, not a fairy or a dragon."

"I was thinking more along the lines of you taking an airplane," Sean said.

"What is that?" Liam asked. He climbed up on the table where it had already been sanded and sat down so that he was sitting tailor fashion. He pulled out a long-stemmed pipe and started puffing on it. Without lighting it smoke appeared.

"It is thing that flies through the air. You get on the plane at an airport, it flies to your destination, and then you get off," Sean answered. No one had ever asked him what an airplane was and he didn't think his answer was all that good.

"I don't want to ride on a thing. I'll fall off. That won't kill me, but I won't be very happy when I hit the ground," Liam said. He blew a smoke ring and watched it float off on the breeze.

"You don't ride on top of it. You ride in it," Sean said.

"If I wanted to get eaten, I'd let a dragon eat me. At least it would be large enough to hold me without having to chomp me into little chunks," Liam said. He leaned over and said, "There was a dwarf who got eaten by a dragon once. He has never liked dragons since then. I can't blame him. Of course, the dragon complained of having gas for a year."

"You don't get eaten by an airplane. You enter and exit through a door. There are chairs that you sit in while it flies," Sean said.

"It sounds like a house," Liam said. He blew a smoke heart.

"It is like a house with wings," Sean said. He'd never been on an airplane, but he figured that was a good enough description.

Liam said, "Now I know you're joking. Who ever heard of a house with wings?"

"It isn't really a house, it is an airplane. That's quite a different thing altogether," Sean said.

"That tells me a lot. How do I get in this airplane that is like a house but is not a house?"

"You buy a ticket," Sean answered, "but a ticket to Ireland might cost you a bit of money."

"Ah, they're always after my pot of gold," Liam said shaking his head.

"You don't have to pay them in gold. Just a little money," Sean said.

"Money? And where might I get some money?" Liam asked.

"I guess you'd just get a job," Sean answered shrugging his shoulders.

Liam was shocked at the suggestion that he get a job. He said, "A Leprechaun work for wages?

Are you crazy?"

"Don't call me crazy. I prefer the term eccentric, although I have been known to accept batty,"

Sean answered. He wondered if the magical creatures that were returning were really ready for the twenty-first century. He said, "You're going to have to do something to buy a house and food."

"Leprechauns don't live in houses and we don't need to eat food. We've been known to quaff a pint or two or three or so," Liam said.

Sean said, "I guess that makes sense."

Liam asked, "Did you know that I was the one who picked Merlin to save magic the last time it failed?"

"No, I didn't," Sean answered.

"He was a horny little fellow. We found him chasing a nymph. The amazing thing is he actually caught her. He was always chasing nymphs, but he did an okay job in bringing back the magic.

Too bad that he never got the centaurs back," Liam said. He, along with the nymph and a pixie, had given gifts of magic to Merlin.

"Why not?" Sean asked. He kind of liked the idea of a centaur.

"It requires using lots of the second gift of magic I gave him and Merlin never really figured out how to effectively use it," Liam answered.

"What was the second gift of magic?" Sean asked.

"I'd tell you, but that would ruin the surprise," Liam said. He puffed on his pipe until he was surrounded by a large cloud of smoke.

"That's okay. You can ruin the surprise," Sean said finding his eyes watering from the smoke.

Liam pointed at him with the stem of his pipe and said, "Merlin was impatient too. I think it comes from always chasing nymphs. You remind me of him."

"Thanks, I guess," Sean said.

Still puffing on his pipe, Liam said, "I hope you travel around a bit more than he did. It has been two thousand years since there were dragons in China."

"I'll try to travel," Sean said. He'd never thought of traveling to China.

"You won't be able to bring back dragons until you get your third gift of magic," Liam said. He ran a hand over the table top and said, "That paper is remarkable."

"I agree," Sean said. It had already sanded the entire top and was going to work on the underside of the table. He looked at it for a second and then said, "I hope that I won't get in trouble for this. I don't know if Mr. Catchums will be happy to find out that we'll need to paint this table too."

Sean looked over at the cloud of smoke and realized that he couldn't see Liam. When the smoke dissipated he was surprised to find that Liam was gone. He said, "That was a nifty little trick."

Sean was left pondering the subject of the second and third gifts of magic. He wondered if he should be working a little harder to acquire more gold than the little he had found while cleaning out the garage. After his date with Suzie, he wanted a car of his own more than ever.

The sandpaper's progress across the wall of the building had slowed significantly. He cut more sheets of sandpaper into quarters and sent them to the wall. The previous sheets were sent to the trashcan. He hadn't realized just how much time he had lost because of his little nap. It was well after eight and he hadn't even finished a single side of the building.

He went to work cutting the sandpaper into quarters. When he looked up, he noticed that the sandpaper was just finishing the side of the building. Picking up his stuff, he moved to a picnic table at the front of the building mentally kicking himself for not starting on that side of the building first. He hoped no one noticed the sandpaper when they drove past.

Getting bored, Sean decided that it was time to really speed things up. He sent the whole stack of sandpaper quarters to work on the building. The dust literally flew off the building in a huge cloud. It only took fifteen minutes for the front of the building to be done. Pleased, he said,

"That's more like it."

After he sent the sandpaper to the other side of the building, Sean stood around wondering what he should do. He spotted the ladder where he had set it the day before. Thinking about it being a little suspicious if he never climbed the ladder, he went over and set it up. He climbed to the top of the ladder and took a seat. He adopted an exaggerated frown and shouted,

"Listen up everyone, I'm the boss. You over there! Tot that barge! Lift that bale!"

"That's not mean enough," Sean said. He shouted, "Work! Work! Work! That's all you peons are good for. I demand that you come in early and leave late! You think you deserve the weekends off. Ha! I tell you again, ha! You should be glad you have jobs you ungrateful dogs!"

"Now that sounds like a real boss," Sean said. He rubbed his hands together, laughed maniacally, and then said, "I'll suck up all of the profits from your labor and feed you dirt for your dinner! I'm the boss!"

"Who are you talking to?"

Sean nearly fell off the ladder when he heard Suzie's voice. Turning around and looking down, he saw her standing beside the ladder with her hands on her hips. She looked more than a little amused. Embarrassed, he said, "I'm practicing my employee motivation speeches for when I get to a management position."

"You're trying to motivate them to quit, right?" Suzie said shaking her head.

"Maybe," Sean said looking a little sheepish.

She looked over at the building and said, "You've gotten a lot done."

"Yes, I know," Sean said.

"You might have done a little too much," Suzie said.

Surprised by the unexpected criticism, Sean asked, "What do you mean?"

"I asked Dad how long it would take you to sand the entire building. He said that it would take at least three days and that is only if you are using an electric sander," Suzie answered.

"Uh oh," Sean said realizing that he may have blown it. He bit his lower lip and asked, "How long if a person was doing it by hand?"

"A week or more," Suzie answered.

"That's not good. Mr. Catchums is liable to wonder how I got so much done in such a short period of time," Sean said. He couldn't even think of a believable lie.

"You don't even look like you've been working," Suzie said.

"I didn't think about that," Sean said. He had just a trace of sawdust on him from when the sandpaper had sanded the table. He remembered that he had never ordered it to stop sanding.

He looked over at the table and ordered the sandpaper to stop.

"You should be covered in sawdust," Suzie said looking him over.

Sean climbed down from the ladder and went over to where the paper was sanding the wall. He stood under the cloud of sawdust for a minute and then asked, "How's that?"

"Better," Suzie said. She went over to him. It didn't take long for her to get covered in sawdust as well.

"Hey, you've gotten all dirty. You didn't need to do that," Sean said.

She said, "Now you can tell him that I stopped by and helped you."

"Thank you," Sean said.

"What's a girlfriend for?" Suzie asked with a smile.

Sean stood there trying to figure out how to answer that question. There were just too many answers and he didn't think she'd like most of them. He brushed his hair with his hand dumping a small pile of sawdust from the top of his head and answered, "To love."

Suzie looked at him and said, "Good answer."

"Thanks," Sean said.

"We should move. We probably don't want to overdo it with the sawdust," Suzie said.

Wanting to thank her properly for helping him, Sean leaned over to kiss her. A second later they were both spitting sawdust out of their mouths. Sean said, "Remind me never to kiss you when we're covered in sawdust."

"Good idea," Suzie said trying to wipe her mouth off.



-------

Chapter 19


Stepping back from the building, Sean looked over the paint job feeling a real sense of accomplishment. The walls were painted a nice bright white that gleamed in the sun. The trim was painted a bright robin's egg blue. The picnic tables were hunter green. He had even repainted the Dairy King sign. The entire place looked almost new again.

Much to his surprise, Sean had discovered that he enjoyed painting and had ended up doing the work without using magic. Of course, he didn't do all of the work himself. Mr. Catchums had hired to Suzie to help him with the paint job after finding them covered in sawdust that one morning. She had picked out the colors.

Suzie broke the silence, "It looks new."

"It sure doesn't look like the old Dairy King," Sean said.

"You can say that again," Suzie said.

Sean said, "It sure doesn't..."

Suzie elbowed him and said, "That was a rhetorical statement."

"Your command is my wish. You speak o' lovely one and I shall do, rhetorical or not," Sean said smiling over at her.

"I've got you well trained," Suzie said giving him a kiss.

Sean smiled and said, "I just say those things to keep you kissing me like that."

"You've got paint on your nose," Suzie said shaking her head.

"I've got paint on my hands, too," Sean said holding his hands up in the air and wiggling his fingers.

"You're a sloppy painter," Suzie said knowing that she wasn't in much better shape.

"Maybe I should pat you on your cute butt," Sean said.

"You wouldn't dare," Suzie said edging away from him. She had no doubts that he would dare.

"You know that if I were to stand behind you and caress your breasts, everyone in town would know what I did," Sean said grinning evilly and waving his green hands in the air.

Suzie smiled brightly and, staring at his crotch, said, "After I spill some paint on my shoes, everyone in town will know where I kicked you."

"Maybe physical contact while wet with paint is not a good idea," Sean said. He started to cross his legs and cover his crotch with his hands. He stopped in time to prevent advertising what he was about to do to the whole world. Nothing would be as embarrassing as walking around with a green crotch.

"Let's wash up. Mr. Catchums will be here soon," Suzie said laughing at the expression on his face.

The pair of them washed using the hose that was behind the store. The latex paint came off their hands easily enough, but it was a little more work getting the paint brushes clean. Somehow, in the process of getting clean Suzie accidently sprayed Sean with the hose. Sean sputtered and said, "You did that on purpose."

"Maybe I did," Suzie said with a giggle. She lifted the hose and sprayed him in the face. When he advanced on her, she dropped the hose and ran off taunting him, "You'll never catch me."

Sean ran after her shouting, "I'm going to get you."

Suzie looked over her shoulder and said, "Never!"

A dozen heads popped out of the bushes along the back of the property and watched the action. Chom said, "Finally, he's chasing the nymph. Maybe we'll get to see something soon."

One of the fairies said, "She's putting up a good run."

"She's wearing too many clothes."

"He's giving a pretty good chase."

"He almost caught her."

"There she goes around the trashcan."

"There's only one tree over there and he runs into it."

"That's got to hurt."

"He's not very coordinated, is he?"

"That's going to have to be one of the rules next time."

"He got her."

"He's going to have to let her go to get her clothes off."

"She'll run off again."

A car drove up in front of the Dairy King. The heads disappeared back in the bushes when the car door opened and a man got out. The man paused and looked at the front of the building.

Sean was holding Suzie against his wet clothes. She was struggling a little bit, but not enough to prevent him from holding her. It would have looked bad except she was smiling too much. Doing his best to leer at her, Sean gave an evil laugh and said, "I've got you."

"Oh, you evil man. You're a savage. I just know that you're going to ravage me," Suzie said theatrically while weakly beating on his chest.

"I'll ravage you like a savage," Sean said giving his words a little emphasis with a cave man grunt.

"You're going to have to do it later," Suzie said spotting Mr. Catchums walking around the building.

"Why?"

"We've got company," Suzie said.

"No," Sean said frustrated. Every time he was alone with Suzie and things were just beginning to heat up, someone would interrupt them.

"I can't believe how nice it looks," Mr. Catchums said while approaching them. It hadn't looked that nice when he had inherited the business.

Sean released Suzie and said, "Thanks."

"I really like the colors," Mr. Catchums said. The place had always been painted a plain white. The mix of blue and white on the building had really made it look nice.

Suzie said, "Thanks."

"I see you finished the picnic tables, too," Mr. Catchums said.

"We did half of them first so that they'd be dry by the time anyone wanted to use them. It didn't help," Sean said.

"They're still a little sticky," Suzie said.

Mr. Catchums said, "You should have done half of them yesterday and half today."

"You're right, but I didn't think about it," Sean said shrugging his shoulders. He paused and looked off into the distance for a second. Holding a finger up in the air, he said, "I've got the solution to our problem."

"What?" Mr. Catchums asked with a worried expression on his face.

Sean answered, "I will go home, invent a time machine, go back to yesterday, paint half of the picnic tables, and return to the current time. Problem solved."

"There's no need to go to all of that trouble," Mr. Catchums said.

Sean said, "It is no trouble at all. All I have to do is make one of the greatest discoveries in the history of physics. There's nothing to it."

"I'm serious. There's no need to go to all of that trouble. I decided last night that I'm not going to open today. I'm going to give the inside of the place a real good cleaning," Mr. Catchums said. Two days ago, the whole building had been painted white when they put on the undercoat. Yesterday, they had given it the second coat of paint. He'd been shocked when he looked at the result. He had really let the place go downhill.

Thinking that three pairs of hands would make the work go faster, Suzie said, "We'll help you."

"You kids have been working hard the past four days. Are you sure you want to help me clean up?" Mr. Catchums asked. He'd decided a long time ago that the younger generation didn't have much of a work ethic anymore. These two were proving him wrong.

Sean frowned at the idea cleaning with Mr. Catchums around. There was a very good chance that he'd actually have to work. He said, "I've got a better idea. Why don't you take today off and we'll clean up?"

Suzie realized that Sean was going to use his magic to clean up the kitchen. She smiled at him and said, "That's so thoughtful of you, Sean. Mr. Catchums probably hasn't had a day off in years."

"That's true," Mr. Catchums said with a frown. He was pretty sure that his wife would enjoy spending the day with him. It had been years since he had taken her on a summertime picnic.

Pleased at how things were turning out, Sean said, "We'll see you tomorrow."

"Are you sure?" Mr. Catchums said. Now that the offer had been made, he was finding it nearly impossible to turn down.

"Positive," Suzie said patting him on the arm.

"Well, okay," Mr. Catchums said.

Sean said, "Great."

Mr. Catchums reached into his wallet and pulled out fifty dollars. He handed it to Sean and said, "Buy whatever cleaning supplies you might need."

After taking the money from him, Sean leaned over to Suzie and said, "I didn't want to brag earlier, but I've been climbing the corporate ladder. I'm head of purchasing and head of maintenance."

"You're the gopher and janitor," Suzie said rolling her eyes.

"It may look like that, but we have a rather flat management structure here at the corporate headquarters of the Dairy King," Sean said.

"Oh brother," Suzie said.

After a lot of fussing around, Mr. Catchums returned to his car and drove off. He said, "I'm glad I never married his mother. That kid is mad as a hatter, but he's a hard worker. That poor little lady has one hell of a mess on her hands."

Sean and Suzie went over to the convenience store to purchase the cleaning supplies. Sam saw them walk in together and said, "If it isn't beauty and the beast."

"Hello, Sam," Suzie said with a smile.

"Hello, Sam," Sean said.

"Here for some coffee?" Sam asked with a smile.

"No. I surrendered to the inevitable. My will with regards to learning to love coffee is not strong enough to stave off economic disaster. You're going to lose your job," Sean answered.

"The horror!" Sam said. He put his hands to his cheeks and asked, "Whatever will I do?"

"You can work for me over at the Dairy King," Sean answered.

"I'd rather die," Sam said. He knew that Sean was aware of how he felt about his past experiences at the Dairy King.

"It won't be that bad," Sean said.

"Why?" Sam asked curious where Sean was going to take this.

"I've been practicing my employee motivational speeches. I'll convince you to love the job," Sean said.

Sam looked at Suzie and asked, "Do I want to hear it?"

"No," Suzie answered with a grin. She had already heard a couple of his motivational speeches.

"I didn't think so," Sam said.

Sean said, "Oh ye of little faith. I can convince a cat to take a bubble bath, a gnat to buzz off, and a fish to jump directly into my net. I read how in a book."

Sam rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes. He said, "Let's hear it."

"This ought to be good," Suzie said.

"Sam, I know that you're concerned about coming to work at the Dairy King. You're afraid of what the future will bring. Let me assure you that there's no need to be concerned. With a little career planning, we can map out your future.

"Now, we both know that you'll start out as the lowly fry boy, but you don't have to be one for your entire career at the Dairy King. If you come in early, work late every day, say 'yes, sir' and 'no, sir', and work without break, then one day you'll rise to the level of chief fry boy. It may take years and years for that to happen, but that day will come. I know that you'll appreciate the nickel an hour raise that comes with the promotion," Sean said.

Sam stared at Sean for a minute and then said, "That makes me want to quit my job here and come work for you."

"See, I told you I was good at motivating people," Sean said looking over at Suzie.

Suzie laughed and said, "I never doubted you."

Sean said, "Enough fooling around. I have come over as head of purchasing..."

"Gopher," Suzie said.

" ... and head of maintenance..."

"Janitor," Suzie said.

" ... to purchase the materials necessary for our newest employee..."

"His superior," Suzie said without missing a beat.

" ... to restore the Dairy King to its former glory," Sean said.

"I take it that you need some cleaning supplies," Sam said.

"Right," Sean replied.

Sam pointed to the back of the store and said, "You know where they are."

An hour later, Suzie was watching the sponges flying around the room cleaning every nook and cranny of the place. She said, "This magic stuff is pretty spooky."

"You get used to it after a while," Sean said. He sprayed some more cleanser on a particularly dull part of the wall.

"I guess," Suzie said.

"I've gotten used to it. It is kind of like television. You might not understand how it works, but you watch it anyway," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

"Don't you think it is kind of a waste to use all of that magic cleaning up a burger place?" Suzie asked.

"Not at all," Sean said surprised by her question.

Surprised by his answer, Suzie asked, "Why not?"

Sean said, "I like Mr. Catchums. He's a nice guy. He gave me a job despite the fact that my father stole his girlfriend away from him. What's wrong with helping him out by cleaning up his place?"

"I didn't think about it like that," Suzie said looking over at Sean. She realized that a lot of people would have let the power that the magic represented go to their head. Sean wasn't like that.

"Besides, I kind of like watching the sponges fly around like that," Sean said. One of the sponges flew away from the wall and executed a loop-the-loop before returning back to work.

Suzie asked, "Don't you think you could be doing something a little more important with that magic?"

"You mean, I should act like some sort of comic book superhero?" Sean asked.

"Yes," Suzie said.

Grinning over at her, Sean said, "I look horrible in spandex."

"True," Suzie said shaking her head.

Sean sprayed some more cleanser on the vent. He said, "I've been walking around with the gift of magic for a couple of weeks and there hasn't even been a cat stuck in a tree to rescue."

"I guess there aren't really any super-villains running around here," Suzie said realizing that Sean was right.

Sean shook his head and said, "You're wrong."

"What?"

Sean said, "I'm on the trail of a super-villain right now. He calls himself grime. He's a particularly nasty piece of work. Everywhere he goes; he leaves a little dirt and smudges behind. What we're doing now is cleaning up after him."

Suzie slapped his arm and said, "You had me going there for a moment."

Sean flashed a grin in her direction. He said, "It has been fun hanging around with you over the past few weeks. I really missed being with you after your mother turned into a vulture and my mother started sending me to the store ten times a day. You're one of the few people who can appreciate my perspective on life."

"I missed being with you. You always make me laugh," Suzie said touched by what he said.

Sean stepped back and studied the metal face of the refrigerator. He said, "This thing really sparkles."

"You did a good job on it," Suzie said. She looked around the room. It was easy to tell where the sponges had been hard at work.

"Thanks," Sean said. He let out a breath and said, "Watching all of this scrubbing is making me tired. Do you want to take a break?"

"Sure," Suzie said with a laugh.

Sean gave an evil little laugh and said, "When I get my hands on you, I'm going to ravage you like a savage!"

Suzie darted out of the building saying, "You have to catch me first."

The chase was on. Suzie ran around a few of the trees making sure that she kept a tree between her and him. Spotting the row of bushes, she darted around behind them. She fell flat on her face.

Sean, seeing her fall, raced over to her shouting, "Suzie, are you all right?"

Suzie looked at the little man struggling underneath her and said, "I think I tripped over one of the dwarves."

Sean helped her up and said, "That's Liam. He's a Leprechaun."

"Oh."

"Pleased to meet a lovely nymph like yourself," Liam said lifting his hat.

"Likewise," Suzie said staring at the little man. The Leprechaun looked exactly like what she imagined one would look like. There was even a little twinkle in his eye.

Sean looked around and said, "The dwarves are over there. That's Chom and Pip."

"Oh," Suzie said looking at the two dwarves standing around looking a little sheepish.

"The fairies are here," Sean said noticing some movement among the bushes.

"What's everyone doing here?" Suzie asked unable to believe her eyes.

One of the fairies answered, "We were waiting for him to catch you."

"We want to watch you do the nymph thing."

Nodding his head, Chom said, "We've been waiting a long time for him to catch you."

Shocked by what she was hearing, Suzie asked, "What?"

"He caught her a while back."

"It was more like she caught him."

"Doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does."

"They did the nymph thing?" Pip asked upset at having missed it.

"Yes they did."

Chom said, "Why didn't anyone tell us?"

"Well, it wasn't really the nymph thing."

"They had their clothes on the whole time."

"She wasn't wearing much."

"That's true."

"She came."

"He came."

"It was a fun two minutes."

"Hey," Sean exclaimed. He was pretty sure that it was more than two minutes.

Sounding slightly pompous, Liam said, "These human men never last more than two minutes when they catch a nymph."

One of the fairies said, "Neither do Leprechauns."

"Hey!"

"Don't worry. Dwarves aren't any better."

"Hey!"

"Two minutes. That's all they ever last."

Suzie shook her head and said, "Let me get this straight. I've got Dwarves, Fairies, and a Leprechaun all waiting for Sean to catch me so that you can watch us do the nymph thing. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"What else is there to do?"

"Don't forget the Brownies."

Suzie looked around and asked, "What Brownies?"

"They aren't here at the moment, but they've been waiting too."

"They come out at night."

"Brownies sneak into houses and watch."

"They get so horny that they have to clean up something."

"I don't want to hear that," Suzie said. She had images of going to bed with Sean one night and finding a dozen Brownies watching her.

After looking at all of the magical creatures there, Liam asked, "Would you do me a favor?"

"What?" Suzie asked not wanting to hear his request.

Liam answered, "Could you take off running so that he can catch you?"

"That's a splendid request," one of the fairies said.

"I second it."

"All of those in favor say aye."

"Aye!"

Chom said, "Don't run too far or fast. I get tired easily."

"Oh, brother," Suzie said rubbing her forehead while feeling a headache coming on.



-------

Chapter 20


Sean returned home and heard the noise of a power saw ripping through wood coming from the garage. Curious, he headed over to find out what was happening. He found his father cutting a large sheet of plywood. He waited until his father finished the cut and turned off the saw to ask, "What are you doing?"

"I'm building something for your mother," his father answered stepping back. He put the saw down on the floor.

"What are you building?" Sean asked trying to make sense out of the pile of wood on the floor.

It looked like a bunch of scrap wood strewn about the garage at random.

"I don't know," his father answered putting his hands on his hips.

"You don't know what you're building," Sean said.

"That's right." His father stepped back and looked at the wood scattered around the garage. He pursed his lips while looking over his work and said, "It is going to be really nice when I get it done."

"Will you know when it is done?" Sean asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Of course I will. Your mother will tell me," his father answered.

Talk of his mother reminded Sean of her behavior ever since getting released from jail. He said,

"Mom has been kind of quiet the past few days."

"You know your mother," his father said looking over at him.

"She only gets quiet when she's plotting something," Sean said watching his father for a reaction. His father only shrugged his shoulders.

"You wouldn't happen to have any paint left over from your job painting the Dairy King, would you?" his father asked.

Sean crossed his arms and stared at the pile of lumber. The pieces finally came together in his head and he said, "You're building a billboard. Mom is going to put it up across the street from the theater with some kind of weird protest message written on it."

"Now that you mention it, it does look like a billboard," his father said rubbing his chin.

"It is one," Sean said. He could see his mother sneaking out there in the middle of the night to erect the billboard. She would wear a black leotard with lampblack on her face. Knowing her, she would have a tail attached to the leotard so that it would be a cat suit. Come to think of it, she would probably wear cat ears, too.

"Maybe, maybe not," his father said with a smile. He was having similar images of his wife.

Rather than imagining her wearing a leotard; he was seeing her in a latex cat suit.

Sean said, "What is she going to write on the billboard?"

"She promised me that she wasn't going to do that," his father said.

"You believed her?" Sean asked incredulous.

"Of course," his father said.

"I think someone just fell off the turnip truck," Sean said.

"Did you have any paint left?"

"I put a half a can of white and a quarter can of green by the dumpster," Sean answered.

"Perfect. Go get them," his father said.

Rather than try to talk his dad out of making the billboard, Sean turned and headed down the path to fetch the paint. He walked along the path thinking of how many times he had traveled it over the past few years. As had become habit, he moved little stones onto the path using his magic gift.

It didn't take him long to reach the Dairy King. He paused to examine the paintjob thinking that he had actually done a pretty good job of it. Feeling a rather nice sense of satisfaction, he went over to the dumpster where the cans of paint were stacked. Most of the cans were empty, but two held some paint and those had been set aside from the rest. He ordered the metal handles to lift the cans from the ground. Once they were high enough, he grabbed the handles. The magic carried the weight of the cans while he directed their motion.

Carrying the two cans of paint effortlessly, Sean walked along the path to return home. Nothing caught his attention until he noticed some movement at the spot where the path from Max's house joined the main path. He snuck over to see what was moving around. He was surprised to see Max hiding in the bushes. He said, "Hello, Max."

Max jumped five feet in the air and spun around to face Sean. He landed and promptly fell on his ass. He then scuttled back until he hit the tree behind him. He squawked, "Sean!"

"What are you doing?" Sean asked.

"I was trying to spot the midgets," Max answered looking around wildly. He figured if Sean was here, that the midgets weren't too far away.

"There aren't any midgets," Sean said.

Max stared at Sean unable to believe that he was denying what had happened that horrible morning weeks ago. He said, "You know I'm not crazy. You were there and saw what the midgets did to me."

"They weren't midgets," Sean said patiently.

"Yes, there were. There were three of them," Max said getting angry.

"They weren't midgets; they were Dwarves," Sean said.

"What are you talking about?" Max asked thinking that Sean was making fun of him.

Sean let go of the paint cans and moved over to Max. The cans floated in the air. Max stared at the cans and said, "I'm going crazy."

"No, you aren't," Sean said patiently.

"I'm seeing things," Max said nearly on the verge of tears. The entire time he had been in the hospital, he had been convinced that he had seen midgets and they had thrown him into the woods. Seeing two paint cans floating around destroyed his confidence in his sanity.

Glancing in the direction Max was staring, Sean realized that he had forgotten to set the cans down. He said, "I'm sorry Max. You aren't going crazy. Those cans are floating."

"That's not possible," Max said. His arms started shaking uncontrollably. All of the charges of weird behavior his father was saying he was doing suddenly seemed possible.

"Max, look at me," Sean said moving so that he blocked Max's view of the paint cans.

"I don't want to be crazy," Max said feeling like he wanted to curl into a little ball and die. He covered his eyes with his hands.

Sean looked over his shoulder and ordered the paint cans to settle on the ground. He turned back to look at Max and could see that the young man was completely shattered. The guilt he felt was almost overwhelming. He sat down and said, "You don't really know what happened that morning. You might think you do, but you don't."

Max slowly looked up at Sean and, wiping the tears from his eyes, said, "I know what happened to me."

"Yes, but that isn't the whole story," Sean said. Seeing that Max wasn't going to cooperate and listen, he decided that it would be best if Max told his side of the story first. He said, "Tell me what you think happened that morning."

Max said, "I got up that morning and decided to go for an early jog. I sometimes jog down the path to the road and then follow the road back up to the house. It is about a mile."

"I didn't realize it was that far," Sean said.

"It is," Max said. He usually made a round trip in the morning for a nice two mile run.

"So what happened when you went out for your jog?" Sean asked trying to get Max back on topic.

"I got here and started doing my warm up exercises. The next thing I know is there's a midget dude wearing a dress stepping out of the woods. At least, that's what I thought at first," Max said shaking his head. He added, "Midgets have always kind of creeped me out, but a transvestite midget is too much. It just isn't right for guy with a beard to have breasts and walk around wearing a dress."

"So what did you do?" Sean asked.

"When the midget kept insisting that it was a woman, I picked it up to prove that it was a guy,"

Max said. This was the first time in telling the story that he had mentioned that part.

"That's very rude," Sean said. He figured that was about the time he had come across the scene.

"It was a midget and I was sure that it was a transvestite. A transvestite midget has got to expect those kinds of things," Max said defending his actions. In hindsight, it did seem kind of indefensible.

"That doesn't matter. It is still a person," Sean said. He shook his head and said, "You can't go around treating people like that."

"I guess. I sure was surprised to discover that it weren't no guy," Max said with a puzzled expression on his face. Of all the things that happened that morning, he still wasn't sure that he'd seen what he'd seen. He looked over at Sean and added, "I was trying to figure out if it was the result of some weird sex change operation."

"You could have asked," Sean said.

Max said, "That's when you came charging at me."

"I thought you were holding up a little girl," Sean said.

"I guess from where you were that it kind of looked like that," Max said. The idea that someone would think that he would do something like that to a little girl made him feel very uncomfortable.

"It did," Sean said.

"After you hit me, I was really out of it. You got me right in the balls," Max said glaring over at Sean. He didn't think that was a fair thing to do in a fight.

"It was an accident. I tripped," Sean said.

"I was just recovering a bit when that midget picked me up and threw me into the woods," Max said. It didn't seem possible to him that someone that small could toss him that far.

"I've got to admit that took me by surprise," Sean said.

"I crawled out and another midget threw me back in the woods. I landed against a tree. That really hurt and it took me a long time to get up. I crawled back here, but you were gone and so were the midgets," Max said. He had returned home and tried to explain what happened, but it had all come out confused.

Sean said, "You see, they weren't little people. They are Dwarves like out of a fairy tale. She wasn't a transvestite midget, Clea is a female Dwarf. Female Dwarves have beards."

"You're making fun of me," Max said confident that Sean was the one telling the crazy story that should have gotten him locked up.

Sean shook his head and said, "No, I'm not. They really are Dwarves like out of a fairy tale."

"I think that is a little weirder than midgets," Max said.

"Suzie says that midgets prefer to be called little people," Sean said.

"Whatever," Max said.

Sean said, "After Clea threw you in the woods, they offered me a gift of magic."

He looked at Sean for a moment thinking that the story was getting less believable by the minute. Skeptically, he said, "So you say that they gave you magical powers."

"Well, they offered me a gift of magic. I had to come back at noon to actually receive it," Sean explained.

"So what can you do?" Max asked.

"I can order lightweight objects to do things," Sean answered. Saying it aloud didn't make it sound too impressive, but he knew otherwise. With a little creativity, he had been able to do a lot with that gift of magic.

"Lightweight objects?"

Sean looked around and ordered a rock to fly to his hand. Max jumped when he saw the rock fly through the air. Sean held up the rock between his thumb and forefinger. He said, "Stay."

Removing his hand, the rock floated in the air exactly where it had been. Seeing the rock floating in midair caused Max reassess the whole story. Speechless, he said, "Oh."

"Roll over," Sean said. The rock rolled over.

"Ah," Max said leaning forward to study the rock. He didn't see any wires controlling the rock.

Sean said, "I would order it to bark like a dog, but I'm afraid that the rock would find it a little degrading."

"You wouldn't want to make a rock feel bad," Max said. No matter the circumstances, it seemed to him that Sean remained Sean.

"That's right. Everyone knows that rocks have sensitive feelings," Sean said.

Max stared at the rock and asked, "Why are you telling me this? I would keep something like that a secret."

"Well, I feel a little guilty about you having to go to the hospital and all," Sean answered.

"Oh," Max said rather surprised by that. He had blamed Sean for what had happened, but he didn't think Sean had blamed himself as well.

Sean said, "I wanted to visit you while you were there, but everyone said that was a bad idea."

"They would have locked you up," Max said.

"That's what everyone says," Sean said. He didn't understand why.

Max added, "And then they would have locked up your mother when she came to get you."

Sean laughed and said, "You aren't the first one who suggested that."

"I read what your mother did in the paper. Did she really attack a guy with silly string?" Max asked.

"I wouldn't call spraying him with silly string an attack," Sean answered.

Max shook his head and said, "I remember when we used to be friends. Your mother was always pulling strange stunts like that."

"She's still doing it," Sean said thinking about the billboard that was getting built in the garage.

Max was silent for a minute and then asked, "Aren't you worried that I'm going to tell everyone about you being able to order objects around?"

"Not really," Sean answered with a negligent shrug of his shoulders.

"I guess no one would believe me after I've been in the wacky ward of the hospital. Everyone thinks I'm crazy," Max said.

Sean said, "True."

"My Dad is convinced that I'm crazy," Max said frowning.

"Why?"

"He keeps telling me that I've been getting up in the middle of the night to clean. He says that I cleaned up the garage the other night. I don't remember doing that, but the garage was a whole lot cleaner that morning," Max said.

"Those are the Brownies," Sean said.

"Why would little girls who sell cookies door to door clean our garage in the middle of the night?" Max asked.

"Not that kind of Brownie. I'm talking about the magical kind of Brownie. From what I understand, they like to go in a house and watch people have sex. They clean up the area because they are horny," Sean said.

"That's crazy," Max said believing it was impossible that anyone in the house was having sex.

He knew for a fact that he hadn't been having sex. It definitely wasn't his parents. They were too old to do something like that. He said, "Brownies? You are crazy."

"No. I'm eccentric," Sean said correcting Max. He'd hate for Max to have the wrong idea about him.

"I can recommend a doctor over at the hospital who can cure that," Max said. They had lots of little pills that could cure all kinds of things.

"That's okay. I kind of like being eccentric," Sean said. He looked over at the rock and said,

"Down."

The rock dropped to the ground. Max stared at the rock for a moment. He decided that all of this was just a bit too much for him at the moment and said, "I think I better go in the house and lie down for a bit."

"Okay," Sean said. He watched Max head down the path. He shouted, "You might consider apologizing to Clea for what you did to her. It isn't good having a Dwarf pissed off at you."

Max called back, "I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted," called a female voice from the woods.

Hearing an answer, Max took off at a run towards the house. In a sad voice, Sean said, "Poor Max. He's got such a narrow view of the world. I've got a feeling that he isn't going to handle having magical beings walking around too well."

Sean got up from the ground and walked over to the paint cans. He ordered the handles to lift them and grabbed the handles when they were an appropriate height. It sure was a lot easier carrying them that way. He headed home.

His mother had joined his father in the garage. She turned to him when he entered and said,

"Hello, Sean. How was your miserable day at work?"

"Miserable," Sean answered giving the standard reply to that question.

"That's good," she said.

He asked, "How was your miserable day?"

"Miserable," she answered.

"That's good," Sean said. He looked at what his father was doing and asked, "What is dad building?"

"That's a secret," his mother answered.

"It is a billboard, isn't it?" Sean said watching her for her reaction.

She looked at the pile of wood for a moment. She smiled and said, "It does look like one, doesn't it?"

"Yes, it does," Sean answered. He ordered the paint cans to act normally. The sudden return of weight almost caused him to drop them. He set them down on the floor.

"It isn't," she answered.

"So what is it?" Sean asked.

"I told you. It is a secret," his mother said with a smile. She looked over at him and asked, "Do you work tomorrow?"

Sean didn't know the answer to that question. He had assumed that he would work, but Mr.

Catchums hadn't discussed his work schedule with him. He answered, "I think so."

"I really need to know your schedule for tomorrow," his mother said.

"Why?" Sean asked suspiciously.

"I've got plans for tomorrow night," his mother answered absently. She looked over at her husband and said, "Put the parts together."

"Yes, dear," he said without moving.

"What are you waiting for?"

Sean's father stared at the pile of lumber and said, "You're going to have to tell me what gets connected to what."

"Ah," she said. Looking over at Sean, she said, "Run on into the house. We'll talk a little after we're done out here."

"What about dinner?" Sean asked.

"Cook something for all of us," his mother answered absently. She bent over and picked up one of the 4x4's that was cut eight feet in length.

"What?" Sean asked. He had never cooked anything in his life other than French fries and hamburgers at the Dairy King.

"Boil some spaghetti noodles and heat up a jar of sauce," she said struggling with the piece of wood. Looking over at him, she added, "I've got a lot of work to do if I'm going to get this all done in time for tomorrow night."

"I'm going to spend tomorrow night bailing both parents out of jail," Sean muttered returning to the house.

Upon entering the house, he was greeted by Lily, "Hello, Sean. How was your miserable day?"

"Miserable," he answered.

"That's nice," Lily said. She looked at him and said, "I'm hungry. When is Mom going to cook dinner."

"I'm cooking dinner," Sean said moving over to the pantry. He hoped that the noodles came with directions on how to cook them.

"I'm not that hungry," Lily said.

"We're having spaghetti," Sean said.

Lily thought about it for a moment and decided that it was pretty hard to ruin spaghetti. She asked, "Can I watch?"

"I guess so," Sean answered. He didn't think there would be much to see. How difficult was boiling noodles and heating up a jar of sauce? He rummaged through the pantry and found the package of spaghetti noodles. He read the directions and asked, "How much is a quart?"

"I don't know," Lily answered. She went over to the kitchen table and sat down where she could watch him. She had a feeling that this was going to be entertaining.

Sean went to the refrigerator and said, "I thought she might have had a quart of milk, but she's got a gallon."

"You're going to boil the noodles in milk?" Lily asked.

"No. I was going to pour out the milk and use the quart bottle to measure the water. Then I would put the milk back in the bottle," Sean answered.

"Mom measures water with cups," Lily said.

"How many cups is a quart?" Sean asked.

"I don't know," Lily said.

"Hold on. I will go look it up on the internet," Sean said. He headed towards his room and returned five minutes later.

"How much is a quart?" Lily asked.

"Four cups," Sean answered. He went over to the cabinet and opened the door. Looking at the cups in there, he said, "There all different kinds of cups in here."

"Use the biggest one," Lily suggested with a grin.

"Okay," Sean said pulling out the monster coffee cup that his father used in the morning. He grabbed a sauce pan.

"That's too small," Lily said.

Sean looked at the coffee cup and the sauce pan. He said, "You're right."

"Mom has a real big pot," Lily said.

Sean went to another cabinet and dug out the big pot. He carried it over to the sink and filled it with four cups of water using the monster coffee cup as a guide. Looking over at his sister, he said, "So far, so good."

"It looks like it to me," Lily said.

Sean set the pot on the stove and picked up the package of spaghetti noodles. He read the directions again and said, "I'm supposed to add a teaspoon of salt to the water."

"That seems simple enough," Lily said.

Sean went over to the drawer where the silverware was stored. He grabbed a long handled teaspoon and said, "Here we go."

He filled the spoon with salt and added it to the water. He stirred the water to dissolve the salt.

He said, "Someone was really clever when they invented the teaspoon. This long handle makes it easy to stir in the salt."

"Neat," Lily said.

"Now all I have to do is boil the water," Sean said.

"That sounds easy enough," Lily said watching Sean turn on the stove.

Sean watched the pot for a couple of minutes and said, "Nothing is happening."

"It takes some time," Lily said.

"I guess what they say is true," Sean said. He stuck his finger in the water to see if it was getting hot. It was still pretty cool to the touch.

"What do they say?"

Sean answered, "A watched pot never boils."

"So stop watching it," Lily said.

Going over to the table, Sean took a seat. He asked, "Do you have any idea what Mom is doing?"

"She's making a surprise," Lily answered.

"That's what she told me," Sean said. He looked over at the pot of water.

Lily said, "Don't watch it or we'll never get to eat."

"Maybe I ought to turn the stove to high," Sean said.

"That might be a good idea," Lily said.

Sean went over to the stove and turned the setting to high. He returned to the table and said,

"Any minute now."

"This is fun," Lily said.

He reached over and affectionately rubbed her head. He said, "Yes, it is."



-------

Chapter 21


The afternoon at the Dairy King had been hot. Sean felt like he had sweated ten gallons of water by the time it was over. He trudged home looking forward to a cool shower and a lazy evening. He stopped at the fork in the path leading to Suzie's house and muttered, "I don't think I'm up for a visit tonight."

He thought about the skimpy bathing suit and then said, "Who am I kidding? I'm always up for a visit with Suzie."

He continued on his way home thinking about how nice it was that he didn't have anything planned for the evening. All he wanted to do was take a cold shower and a nap. He reached his backyard and spotted the billboard standing at the far end of the yard. There was a large sheet thrown over it. He muttered, "I'd look to see what she wrote, but that is just too much effort."

He entered the house. His mother was at the kitchen table looking over a list. She looked up and asked, "How was your miserable day?"

"Hot and miserable," Sean said.

She smiled and said, "That's nice. Now go take a shower. Suzie will be over here any minute now for your date."

"What date?" Sean asked. He didn't remember setting up a date with Suzie.

"It is Friday night," his mother answered as if that explained everything.

"So?"

"Everyone knows that Friday night is date night," she said.

"I didn't ask her out," Sean said.

His mother snorted and said, "Of course you didn't, I did."

"Oh. Where am I taking her on this date?" Sean asked.

"To dinner at the Surf and Turf," his mother answered.

"That's nice of me. I must have put a lot of thought into it," Sean said.

"You did," his mother said, "Now go take a shower before she gets here."

"Okay," Sean said looking forward to a shower. He headed towards the hallway.

"Lily is going with you," his mother said.

Sean stopped and turned back to look at his mother. He said, "I'm not taking a shower with Lily."

"She's not going to the shower with you. She's going on your date with you," his mother said.

He figured that she was getting him and Lily out of the house so that she could put up the billboard in front of the movie theater. He asked, "What kind of date is it when you take your little sister along with you?"

"The kind of date that your mother arranges for you," his mother answered.

"That makes sense," Sean said. He and Suzie hadn't had a chance to really be alone with each other since the day that their mothers had been arrested. He suspected that it was intentional on their part.

"Now go take your shower," his mother said.

The shower did wonders for Sean. The cold water cooled him down and woke him up. Returning to his bedroom, he found that his mother had laid out some clothes for him. They were rather dressy for around town. Frowning, he asked, "What is she up to?"

Leaving his bedroom, Sean found that Suzie was waiting for him at the kitchen table. Her mother and father were there talking to his parents. Sean frowned at seeing her parents there.

His mother was up to something and the fact that Suzie's parents were involved worried him.

Putting on his best smile, he said, "Hello, everyone."

"How was your miserable day?" his father asked.

"Hot and miserable," Sean answered.

"That's nice," his father said.

"I drove past the Dairy King this afternoon while I was running some errands for your mother. I was really impressed by the job you did in painting it. The place looks new," Mr. Emery said.

"Suzie picked out the colors and painted the trim," Sean said wondering what kind of errands his mother would give to Mr. Emery.

"It really looks sharp," his father said.

"Thanks," Sean said.

Lily entered the kitchen wearing a nice outfit. She said, "I'm ready to spoil your date."

"That's nice," Sean said.

Suzie looked over at Lily in surprise and asked, "She's going with us?"

"Of course dear," her mother answered. Seeing the look of dismay on her daughter's face, she added, "How else can we ruin your date?"

"There's nothing like having a chaperone along on a date to cool the passions," Mr. Emery said.

Hugging Lily, her mother said, "Remember what I told you. When they start kissing you are supposed to make all kinds of loud comments."

"Yes, mother," Lily said with a giggle. She pointed a finger towards her mouth and said, "Gag me with a spoon. Get a room you two."

"Perfect," his mother said with more than a little pride in her voice.

"I couldn't have done that any better myself," Mrs. Emery said with a twinkle in her eye.

"Thank you. I've been practicing," Lily said.

Suzie's initial expectations for the date had taken a beating since learning that Lily was going along with them. She shook her head and muttered, "I'm going to die a virgin."

"That's the plan," Mr. Emery said pleased to hear that his daughter was still a virgin. He gave Sean a rather unfriendly look that suggested he wasn't going to be happy when he learned otherwise.

"Nonsense. That's not the plan at all," her mother said. Seeing the surprised look on Suzie's face, she added, "We're just building up the suspense so that when it finally happens you'll be disappointed."

"So disappointed that you join a nunnery and live the rest of your life practicing vows of silence," Sean's mother said.

"And I'll have an excuse to kill him," Mr. Emery said cracking his knuckles.

Looking sad, Mrs. Emery said, "It is a shame that he'll have to die. We just couldn't come up with any other way to avoid having to pay for a huge wedding."

"I keep forgetting that part of the plan," Mr. Emery said looking over at Sean with a smile. Sean swore that Mr. Emery had filed his teeth down into wicked looking fangs.

"The great part of this plan is that I won't have to pay his way through college," his father said.

"It is a rather economical solution to all of our problems," his mother said.

"There is a method to our madness," Mrs. Emery said patting Suzie on the arm.

"More like a madness to your method," Sean said.

After glancing at the clock, his mother said, "There are still a lot of things to do. You kids run along on your date so that we can get to the serious business of getting things ready for tonight."

Suzie rose from her chair and asked, "Where are we going?"

"We're going to the Surf and Turf. I'm going to eat fried shrimp until I barf," Lily said.

"Please don't barf," Suzie said thinking this was going to turn into the date from hell.

"Remember, you have to be back at eight," his mother said.

This was the first that Sean had heard of that. Shocked, he said, "Eight?"

"Isn't that a little early to end a date?" Suzie asked. Even with Lily along they should have been able to stay out until nine.

"We have our plans and they require you to be home at eight. Now run along and have a perfectly horrible date," Mrs. Emery said giving a little shooing gesture towards the door.

Sean and Suzie left the house holding hands. Lily skipped along beside them and said, "Now the mushy stuff starts."

Thinking about the effort the mothers had made in setting up the date, Sean said, "We're going to have to bail all four of them out of jail tonight."

"Why?" Suzie asked.

Sean said, "Mom had Dad build a billboard. They're going to put it up tonight across the street from the movie theater."

"Will the policeman give me candy if I haven't been arrested?" Lily asked.

"I'm sure that they will," Sean said.

"Good," Lily said.

Puzzled, Suzie said, "I have a hard time believing that they talked my dad into doing something like that. He was pretty upset about mom getting arrested."

"Why? I kind of enjoyed it," Lily said.

Sean shook his head and said, "We'll worry about it later."

After a short drive, the three young people entered the Surf and Turf. The hostess looked up from the little seating chart that was marked up with a grease pencil. She had been busy drawing little hearts all over it. She asked, "Do you have a reservation?"

"I have many reservations. Which one do you want?" Sean asked. The hostess looked to be about three years older than him.

The young woman frowned and asked, "What's the name?"

"Sean Connery Michaels."

The young woman looked over the list and said, "We don't have a reservation in that name."

"Of course you don't. You didn't know I was coming here. If you did, you'd have a lot of reservations too," Sean said. Suzie rolled her eyes. Lily grinned.

"Are you famous or something?" the hostess asked.

"That was a joke," Suzie said.

"Apparently it wasn't a good one," Sean said.

Lily said, "You can say that again."

"You're going to have to wait," the hostess said.

Sean looked around and saw that there were a lot of empty tables. He asked, "Why?"

"We need to keep a table clear in case someone with a reservation shows up," the hostess said.

Her boss told her to send walk-ins to the bar for ten minutes. She said, "If you had a reservation, then I could seat you right away."

"Can I make a reservation?" Sean asked.

The woman frowned and then said, "I guess so."

"Good. I'd like a reservation," Sean said.

"The name?"

Lily slapped a hand to her forehead and muttered, "She's falling for it."

"Sean Connery Michaels."

"What time?" the woman asked.

"Six thirty," Sean answered after glancing at his watch.

"Okay," the woman said writing down the time. "How many are in your party?"

"Three," Sean answered.

"Okay."

"Excellent," Sean said. He took a step back and then a step forward. He said, "I have a reservation for six thirty. The name is Sean Connery Michaels."

The young woman looked over the list and said, "Oh, I see it right here."

"Good," Sean said with a smile.

"I'll take you to your table," the hostess said while gathering together three menus from the little rack.

Curious, Suzie asked, "Did you go to school here?"

"Yes. I graduated three years ago," the woman answered heading over towards an area filled with empty tables. She didn't bother to look back to see if they were following her.

Suzie said, "Somehow, I don't find the idea of that very comforting at all."

"Huh?" the woman said looking at Suzie with a puzzled expression on her face.

"Are you a natural blond?" Lily asked following behind the hostess.

"I'm not a blond. I'm a brunette," the hostess answered.

Lily said, "Oh. I thought you had dyed your hair brown."

Seeing that Lily's comment went right past the woman, Sean said, "I'm in the food industry service myself. How do you like your job?"

"It is okay. Sometimes it gets a little confusing when it gets busy," the hostess said.

"I'm not surprised," Lily said.

"I'm the number two man in our chain," Sean said.

Suzie laughed at that characterization of his job and said, "It is one store. That makes it a link, not a chain."

Lily put a finger to her lips and said, "Shh. He's bragging about nothing. Mom would be so proud of him."

"Thank you, Lily," Sean said.

Suzie said, "He's good at that."

"Yes, he is. He has a lot of nothing to brag about," Lily said.

"Thank you, Lily," Sean said. He stopped beside the hostess who was standing amidst a couple of empty tables. Suzie and Lily joined him. They stood around looking at the hostess wondering where they were supposed to sit.

After a moment, she asked, "Why aren't you sitting?"

"Which one is our table?" Sean asked.

The hostess stamped her foot and said, "I always forget to tell people that."

Suzie said, "Don't worry. I'm sure that in a few years you'll be the best hostess in town."

"Thank you," the hostess said. She looked around at the four empty tables and said, "Oh, take anyone you want."

"Thank you," Sean said.

The hostess managed to pass out the menus without incident. She left the table without a word.

Suzie said, "I think they have her picture next to the phrase dumb as a rock."

"Don't insult rocks. They might be hard on the exterior, but ... Well, they're hard in the interior too. Despite that all that hardness, they are sensitive about negative comments concerning their intelligence," Sean said.

Their waitress bounced over to the table and said, "Hello, Suzie. Hello, Sean."

"Hello, Debbie," Sean said feeling sick to his stomach. She was in their class at school and never let a chance to insult him pass.

"Hello, Debbie," Suzie said.

"Sean, I heard you were working over at the Dairy King," Debbie said.

"Yes. I'm the number two man there," Sean said.

"I heard that you were the fry boy over there. If you work real hard maybe you could become a hostess here," Debbie said brightly.

"I fear that I would never be able to be the hostess here," Sean said.

Debbie said, "That's right. It is too challenging for you."

"No. The operation is too expensive," Sean said.

Getting a little irritated, Lily muttered, "They should rename this place the Dumb and Nasty."

Debbie looked over at Suzie and asked, "What are you doing going out with Sean? You can do a whole lot better than him. He's the weird kid in school. You don't want to be seen with him."

"I find myself utterly unable to resist weird," Suzie answered with a forced smile.

Debbie snorted and said, "If you want weird, you've got Mad Max living next to you. He spent some time in a padded cell."

"Don't talk that way about Max," Sean said with a frown. It was hard to believe how fast people could turn against someone. He didn't like it at all.

"It is just one loon looking out for another. One of these days they are going to get their hands on you and you'll never get out of the psyche ward," Debbie said.

Sean looked over at the table behind Debbie and ordered three sugar packets to hit her in the rear. Debbie whirled around and shouted, "Who did that?"

"Did what?" Suzie asked. She had seen the packets fly from the other table and patted Sean on the thigh.

"Someone pinched me on the butt," Debbie said rubbing her ass.

"You must be imagining things. There's no one there," Sean said.

"I'm not crazy like you. Someone pinched me on the butt and it hurt," Debbie said.

Sean said, "Well, turn around, lift your skirt, and we'll check out your ass to make sure that there aren't any marks."

Debbie said, "Pervert!"

Lily said, "All boys his age are perverts."

Although she wasn't too thrilled with the idea of Sean checking out Debbie's butt, Suzie had to laugh at her. She deserved everything that Sean was doing to her. She said, "You're so bad."

"I'm just trying to be helpful," Sean said. He sent two more packets of sugar on a collision path with her butt.

Debbie jumped and spun around ready to kill. She said, "I'm going to kill whoever is doing that!"

"Doing what?" Sean asked innocently.

Debbie glared at Sean. If he wasn't across the table from her, she'd have accused him of doing that. She said, "Someone is pinching me on the butt."

"There's no one there," Lily said. She leaned over to Sean and said, "I think she's imagining things."

"I agree. She must be crazy," Sean said with a smile at Debbie.

Snarling at him, Debbie said, "You're driving me crazy!"

Suzie said, "Sean has that effect on a lot of people."

"True," Lily said.

"I'm not crazy," Debbie said. She looked down and noticed the sugar packets on the floor. She looked around and spotted the bartender at the other end of the room. He noticed her looking at him and smiled at her before turning back to his work. She stormed over to him and started yelling at him.

Watching the action taking place across the room, Suzie said, "That Debbie is such a bitch."

Lily said, "The service is a whole lot better when Mom and Dad are here."

"I wonder if she's ever going to take our order," Sean said. Things were really heating up at the far end of the room. It appeared that the bartender wasn't exactly happy about the things that Debbie was saying to him.

"We might have to stop by the Dairy King for a burger at this rate," Suzie said.

Lily said, "I'd rather not. Ever since he got that stupid job, we've been eating hamburger every night. Mom says that he craves hamburger."

"I'm sure he does," Suzie said.

Sean watched the action at the far end of the room. Feeling sorry for the bartender, he said,

"I'm so looking forward to returning to school."

"It won't be so bad this year," Suzie said. She didn't have to force any hopefulness in her voice.

She had a feeling that with the use of a little magic that life at school this year would be a lot different for Sean.

"I'm a geek," Sean said. He gestured in Debbie's direction and said, "The kids like her will make my life miserable just like they've always done."

Lily shook her head and said, "You aren't a geek. You don't play computer games all day. You're a nerd."

"Are you sure? I'm pretty positive that I'm a geek," Sean said.

"She's right. You are a nerd," Suzie said.

Accepting their decision as final, Sean said, "It doesn't change anything. Geeks and nerds get treated the same way."

"That's true," Lily said.

Sean looked at Lily and said, "You're going into second grade. What do you know about geeks and nerds?"

Looking at Sean as if he were an idiot, Lily answered, "I know a lot. The geeks in first grade already have laptops. The cool people have designer clothes and cell phones. The nerds lack the same social skills as the geeks, but they don't have any of the neat toys."

"What are you?" Sean asked.

"I'm a nerd," Lily answered shrugging her shoulders. She shook her head and said, "You can't believe how dumb everyone in my class is. They are all such linear thinkers. Mom would eat them up and spit them out in one minute."

Still angry about the episode with the sugar packets, Debbie came back to the table and said, "I need your orders."

Lily said, "I'll have a shrimp cocktail, the fried shrimp dinner, and shrimp ice cream for dessert."

Debbie frowned and said, "We don't have shrimp ice cream."

"Why not?" Lily asked sweetly.

Sean nudged Suzie and whispered, "This ought to be good."

"Because it would taste horrible," Debbie said answering Lily's question.

"How do you know?" Lily asked.

"I know because I know."

"Have you ever tried it?" Lily asked.

"I'm too smart to try it," Debbie said. She muttered, "The nuts don't fall far from the tree in that family."

Lily heard the comment and her smile got even bigger. She asked, "How many people order ice cream after eating shrimp?"

"Lots," Debbie said.

"Let's see if I've got this straight. After eating a whole shrimp dinner, people order ice cream."

"That's right," Debbie said.

"Would you agree that after eating a whole shrimp dinner that people have the taste of shrimp still in their mouths?" Lily asked.

"Yes," Debbie said.

"People then eat ice cream," Lily said.

"Yes," Debbie said.

"Aha! We are making progress," Lily said triumphantly.

"She's only eight," Sean said proudly to Suzie.

Lily said, "The flavor of the ice cream and the flavor of the shrimp must mix in their mouth. If the two flavors were terrible together, people wouldn't want to eat ice cream after their dinner."

"I guess," Debbie said with a frown.

"People love having ice cream after eating a shrimp dinner." Lily said, "We have to conclude that shrimp ice cream would taste good."

Debbie shook her head and said, "I guess so."

Going in for the kill, Lily asked, "Are you a natural blond?"

"No, I'm a brunette," Debbie said.

"You could have fooled me," Lily said. "I'll have vanilla ice cream for dessert."

Patting Lily on the back, Sean said, "That was magnificently done."

"What is your order?" Debbie asked turning to Suzie.

Suzie answered, "I'll have the Caesar Salad with shrimp."

Looking at Sean, Debbie asked, "Well, weirdo, what are you having?"

"I'll order for him," Suzie said.

Surprised, Sean said, "Okay."

"Sean will have the oysters on the half shell, the fried oyster dinner, and oyster ice cream,"

Suzie said winking at Sean. Patting his hand, she said, "You know what they say about oysters."

"We don't have oyster ice cream," Debbie said rolling her eyes.

Suzie smiled and asked, "Why not?"



-------

Chapter 22


Sean stopped the car at the entrance to the driveway. There was a small sign made of yellow poster board stapled to a small stick that was stuck in the ground. The slight breeze made reading the sign a little difficult. Puzzled, he read the sign aloud, "Grand Opening. Private party. Fred Wilkins is not invited."

"What does that mean?" Suzie asked turning to look at Sean.

"I have no idea," Sean said reading the sign a second and a third time.

Suzie said, "Grand Opening? What could your mother possibly be opening?"

Sean said, "I've got no clue."

"Party?" Lily said. She hadn't been to a party in a long time. The last one had been her birthday party. They had played all kinds of games including pin the tail on the donkey. Rather than a picture of a donkey there had been a picture of man. She didn't know who the man was, but her mother assured her that he was a jackass and that was nearly the same as a donkey.

Still staring at the sign, Sean realized that the name on the sign was familiar. He asked, "Isn't Mr. Wilkins the owner of the movie theater?"

"I think so," Suzie answered uncertainly.

"Why would he want to crash one of mom's parties?" Sean asked. He eased the car down the long driveway to the house.

"I have no idea," Suzie answered.

Sean stopped the car and hit the steering wheel in irritation. Any chance of spending some quiet time with Suzie had just evaporated. He said, "I knew it. Their cars are gone."

"We better get inside in case they try to call us. You know that we're going to have to bail them out," Suzie said.

"Are we going to the police station?" Lily asked brightly.

"Probably," Sean answered. He parked his mother's car in the usual spot. Getting out, he went around the car to open the door for Suzie. Lily bailed out of the back and headed towards the door of the house at a run.

Suzie said, "Let's go face the music."

Surprised by the fact that she couldn't get into the house, Lily came back to the car and said, "The door is locked."

"That's okay. We'll go around to the back of the house. They never lock the backdoor," Sean said.

Coming around the side of the house, all three of them stopped and stared at the sight in front of them. There were two cars parked in the middle of the yard so that they were facing the white billboard standing at the far edge of the yard. By the house there was a long table with an old fashioned movie theater style popcorn maker and a soda fountain.

Sean was still trying to figure out why there were two cars parked in the backyard when his mother came up and said, "You're right on time. Suzie, you run the concession stand. Sean, you run the projector and help Suzie when there's nothing else to do. Lily, you're the kid on the swing."

"Huh?" Sean said still trying to take in the full scene in front of him.

"You're going to run the projector," his mother said.

"What projector?" Sean asked looking around.

Turning to point at the VCR that was hooked up to a projector, his mother said, "That one."

Suzie asked, "What is going on?"

"We opened our own private drive-in movie theater and we're having a Sean Connery film festival," Sean's mother answered as if it should be obvious.

"Why am I on the swing?" Lily asked.

Her mother rolled her eyes and said, "There's always a kid or two on the swing at the drive-in. They swing until they get tired and then go back to their parent's car to sleep."

"Oh," Lily said wondering why she shouldn't go to her own bed when she was tired. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "I guess that's okay. I like swinging on the swing."

Sean's mother said, "Sean, why don't you go over to the concession stand with Suzie. Your father will be done taking pictures for the newspaper article. We'll start the showing at 8:30 sharp."

Suzie stared across the yard at her mother. She was draped over a life sized cutout of Sean Connery while Sean's father was taking her picture. She said, "So that is what mom was doing on the computer all day."

"What newspaper article?" Sean asked.

Ignoring the question, his mother said, "Suzie's father is waiting patiently over at the concession stand for someone to fix him some popcorn and drinks. Go over there and concess or whatever it is they do at concession stands."

"Yes, mother. We'll go over there and concess," Sean said. He was pretty sure that 'concess' wasn't even a word.

"Don't forget, the coming attractions are scheduled to start at 8:30," his mother said.

He and Suzie headed over to the table. There was a stack of paper cups, popcorn boxes, and two boxes of assorted packages of candies. There were all of the classic movie theater candies including juju fruits, snowcaps, hot tamales, and junior mints. His mother had gone all out to make this as much like a theater concession stand as was possible.

When they arrived, Mr. Emery said, "I thought you two would never get here. I'll have two popcorns and two cokes; one diet and one regular."

Sean looked at the soda fountain and asked, "Where did she get all of this stuff?"

"I rented it," Mr. Emery answered.

"You rented it for one night?" Sean asked while fixing a coke. He noticed the lids and straws for the cups. There were even carry trays for the items. He couldn't believe it.

"No. This is a weeklong film festival with a double feature every night," Mr. Emery answered.

"Oh," Sean said realizing that his nights for the next week were going to be spent in the backyard of his house. He glanced over at Suzie and realized that she'd be there with him. He considered the idea of that and then muttered, "That's not so bad."

While Sean started a second coke, Suzie fixed two popcorns. She asked, "What's showing tonight?"

"Dr. No and From Russia With Love," her father answered.

Not entirely surprised by the choice of films, Sean said, "Mom loves those two films. She says that Dr. No is the film that got her interested in Sean Connery."

"Mom loves From Russia With Love. She says that it makes her weak in the knees," Suzie said.

Her father looked over at his wife getting her picture taken with the Sean Connery cutout. He said, "I know. I've got a feeling that I'm going to lucky tonight. You can see that her nipples are stiff all the way from here."

"Too much information," Suzie said making a face. She set the boxes of popcorn on the little tray Sean had used for the cokes.

Suzie's father walked off laughing. A few minutes later Sean's father stepped up to the table and said, "Two cokes and two popcorns. The movie is going to start soon and I don't want to miss the coming attractions."

"Don't worry about that," Sean said, "According to mother I'm running the projector."

"Shouldn't you be over there?" his father asked pointing in the direction of the VCR.

"If I'm over there, then you'll miss the beginning of the film," Sean said. It was just getting dark enough to show the movie.

"I know, but that's all part of going to the drive-in," his father replied.

"I didn't know that," Sean said while putting the lid on the first drink.

"That's right. You've never been to a drive-in movie," his father said. He wondered what kinds of things kids did on dates now that drive-ins had closed down.

"What else is part of going to the drive-in?" Sean asked.

His father answered, "Fogged up windows. That's the best part of going to the drive-in."

"I didn't want to know that," Sean said. His mother honked the horn. He looked over and saw that she was in the car waiting for the movie to begin. She held down the horn for a full five seconds.

"The coming attractions should be starting now. It is eight-thirty," his father said looking at his watch. He added, "She's going to honk her horn until you start the show."

Shaking his head, Sean went over to the VCR. There was a stack of video cassettes beside it. The one on the top was labeled, 'Coming Attractions.' He looked at the VCR and noticed that there were wires leading off towards the cars. He shook his head when he realized that there were speakers hanging off the windows of the cars.

His mother continued honking the horn while he turned on the projector. He slid the topmost cassette into the VCR and hit play. When nothing happened, he looked around to find out what was the matter. It took him a minute to realize that the lens cover was still on the projector. He took the cover off and watched the image projecting on the screen. His mother stopped honking the horn as soon as the show started.

Once he was satisfied that the projector was working correctly, he went back over to Suzie. He noticed there was a speaker there so that they could hear the movie. Shaking his head, he said, "If you're going to do something weird, then do it well."

"Is that the family motto?" Suzie asked with a smile.

Sean laughed and said, "Yes it is."

Suzie glanced over at the screen in time to see a list of the movies that were going to be shown. Impressed, she said, "She's picked out all of his best movies."

"She put a bit of work into it," Sean said knowing that his mother had a tape of every movie that Sean Connery had ever made. She must have spent hours making the coming attractions tape. Maybe staying around the whole week wouldn't be that bad. He laughed and then said, "It is a lot better than putting up a billboard across from the theater."

Sean watched Suzie wipe up some spilled popcorn. She was so pretty that it was hard to keep from touching her. The sound of a pair of horns being blown interrupted his thoughts. He looked up and realized that the tape was over. He rushed over and ejected the tape. Grabbing the top tape, he put it into the VCR. The whole time he was working, his mother was blowing the horn. He shouted, "Alright, already!"

Once the video was playing, he returned to the concession stand. Suzie said, "They are both a little quick on the horn. They could just roll down the window and yell."

Sean sighed and said, "I guess that is just what you do at the drive-in."

"I'm bored. You've got the neat job. I'm just the swing kid," Lily said coming over to them.

"Would you like some popcorn and a soda?" Sean asked.

"Is that allowed?" Lily asked suddenly interested.

Suzie laughed and said, "I think having popcorn and soda is part of the job description for the swing kid."

"Someone should have told me more about my job," Lily said putting her hands on her hips and looking in the direction of the two cars.

"I know what you mean. They only tell you about the work you have to do. They never cover the job benefits," Sean said.

Lily eyed the two boxes of candy and asked, "How about candy?"

"I think that is essential to being a swing kid," Sean said giving her a package of gummy bears.

Tearing open the bag, Lily said, "This is more fun than going to jail."

"Are you planning on growing up to be a career criminal or something?" Suzie asked while preparing a box of popcorn for Lily.

"I'm planning on being something, I just don't know what yet," Lily answered. She popped a gummy bear in her mouth.

"Good answer," Sean said finishing pouring a soda for Lily.

"You better get back to your job," Suzie said.

Still holding the bag of gummy bears, Lily picked up the popcorn and soda. Juggling the three items in her hands, she made her way back to the swing set. Once there, she was confronted with the problem of what to do with everything in her hands.

Sean looked around and realized that they had nothing on which to sit. He went over to the garage and got out three lawn chairs figuring that Lily wouldn't last the night on the swing. Returning to the concession stand, he set out the chairs next to the table.

Suzie already had a box of popcorn and a soda. She started to hand it to him when he said, "You take a seat and watch the movie. I'll get my own."

"Thanks," Suzie said taking a seat. It was nice having a considerate boyfriend. She looked over at the screen and settled into her chair.

Sean was fixing a box of popcorn when a voice asked, "Do you have any beer?"

Sean looked up and then looked down before spotting the speaker. Nervous, he asked, "Liam, what are you doing here?"

"We're watching the play," Liam answered. He gestured over to the far end of the yard where another Leprechaun and four dwarves were seated. Sean didn't recognize the other Leprechaun or Dwarf.

"Are you crazy? My parents are going to see you," Sean said terrified of what would happen when his parents found out about the folks out of a fairy tale that had taken up residence behind the house.

"So?" Liam asked.

"Aren't you worried about how they'll react?" Sean asked.

"No. We were invited to this party by inclusion under the principles of exclusion," Liam said.

"Invited by inclusion under the principles of exclusion? What does that mean?" Sean asked wondering if his mother had actually invited them.

"You post who you don't want at the party. Everyone else is welcome. None of us are named Fred Wilkins," Liam answered.

"I don't know if my mother will see it that way," Sean said looking over at his parent's car.

"She posted the invitation so she has to live with the consequences," Liam said with a shrug of his shoulders. "So do you have any beer?"

Sean laughed at the idea of his mother living with the consequences and answered, "No."

"Pity. I'll take seven of the drinks and six of that stuff in the boxes," Liam said.

"Seven sodas? There are only six of you," Sean said after making a quick count of who was at the far end of the yard.

Liam shook his head and said, "You forgot about the fairies. They're going to share a drink."

Sean looked over at Suzie as if seeking guidance. She shrugged her shoulders and said, "They're going to share a drink."

Liam watched Sean fix eight sodas and seven boxes of popcorn. When Sean was finished, he asked, "Don't you know how to count?"

"One, two, four, two, nine, five," Sean answered using his fingers as a visual aid. Having run out of fingers, he counted his thumb twice. He smiled at Liam as if proud of his accomplishment and said, "See. I learned all my numbers and can count real good. My teachers learned me. Why did you ask?"

"I asked for seven drinks and six boxes of food. You fixed eight drinks and seven boxes of food," Liam answered unimpressed with Sean's counting ability.

"I wanted a drink and a box of popcorn, too," Sean said while placing the drinks in the carry tray. It took two trays to hold the seven drinks.

"Oh. Times must really be bad when you have to hire help who eats up all of the food before the guests have a chance to partake of it," Liam said.

"You don't know the worst of it," Sean said.

"The play, though, is very well done. Usually art is the first to suffer when civilization collapses," Liam said.

"You like the movie," Sean said surprised. He didn't think that the magical folks would be able to make sense of the cultural references.

"Well, the actors in your play are all rather flat, but the stage effects are quite good," Liam said pointing over at the screen. He leaned over and said, "That woman would be quite busty if she wasn't so ... flat."

"Ursula Undress?" Sean asked using his mother's name for the actress.

"That's a good name for a nymph," Liam said with approval evident in his voice.

"She's not flat. That's just a picture of her," Suzie said once she realized what Liam was saying.

"Ah, that's a different matter all together. Where might this nymph be found?" Liam asked.

"I don't know," Suzie answered.

Liam raised his hands and the two trays of drinks and the six boxes of popcorn rose up in the air. He said, "I'll be back for more when we've finished this."

"Okay," Sean said watching Liam walk back to where the others were watching the film. He looked inside the popcorn machine and said, "We're almost out of popcorn."

Suzie said, "I'll make some more before the end of the movie. I'm sure that the parents will want some during the intermission."

Sean took a seat in the chair next to Suzie. He took a sip of his soda and then placed it on the ground beside his chair. Opening up his box of popcorn, he said, "This is going to be interesting."

Wide eyed, Lily appeared beside Sean and said, "I saw you talking to a little man. He was dressed just like the Leprechaun on the cereal box."

"That was Liam and he is a Leprechaun," Sean said. He didn't think that Liam and the others were working too hard to keep the news of their existence quiet.

Lily was silent for a moment looking at the group of little people at the far end of the lawn. She asked, "Does Mom know that he's a Leprechaun?"

"No," Sean answered.

"You know what is going to happen when she learns that, don't you?" Lily said.

Nodding his head, he answered, "She's going to spend all of her time trying to capture him for his pot of gold."

"No more home cooked meals," Lily said shaking her head.

"I forgot all about the stories about catching a Leprechaun," Suzie said realizing that she could have gotten his pot of gold from him that afternoon she had tripped over him.

"Not you, too," Sean said.

Dismissing his concern, she waved a hand at him and said, "You don't hold a friend hostage for gold. I'm worried about Mom. She is going to be chasing him all over."

"We're going to be orphans," Lily said sadly.

"Orphans?" Sean asked.

Lily said, "Mom will spend all of her time chasing the Leprechaun. Dad will spend his free time chasing mom. You and I will be left alone to eat your spaghetti. We'll be orphans."

"You made spaghetti?" Suzie asked looking at Sean in surprise.

"Yes, I did. I followed the recipe and everything," Sean answered.

Lily said, "He did. I was there and saw him do it."

"Wow, I'm impressed," Suzie said imaging Sean in the kitchen wearing a chef hat and cooking up a storm. The idea of a man who knew his way around the kitchen excited her.

"Thank you," Sean said grinning at the praise.

"What recipe did you use for the sauce?" Suzie asked.

"Rago," Sean answered.

"From the jar?" Suzie asked.

"That's right," Sean said.

Nodding her head, Lily said, "It was a real struggle to get the lid off, but he managed."

"Let me get this right. You boiled some noodles and heated a jar of sauce," Suzie said.

"That's right," Sean said proudly.

"It was pretty good even though the noodles were a little hard in the center," Lily said.

"Didn't you check to see if the noodles were done?" Suzie asked.

"They looked done," Sean answered.

Lily said, "Mom always throws a noodle at the wall. If it sticks, she says it is done."

"You didn't tell me that," Sean said looking at Lily.

"You didn't ask," Lily replied.

"You could have tasted it," Suzie said.

"Taste it?"

"Sure, it is food," Suzie said.

"That's true. You could have tasted it," Lily said.

Trying to remember what had been written on the package, Sean said, "I read the instructions that came with the noodles. There was something about some guy named Al Dante on the box. I guess I should have known that Al Dante was cook talk for taste a noodle."

"Al Dante?" Suzie asked staring at Sean. It dawned on her what he was saying. She said, "It is al dente and means that the noodle is firm, but not hard."

"Oh, I was really curious about that Inferno connection," Sean said.

Curious, Suzie asked, "Where does the Inferno enter into it?"

"You know, gluttony is one of the dastardly sins that will get you a ringside seat in hell," Sean answered.

Suzie shook her head and said, "Lily, you can come over to my house and eat any time you want."

"Thank you. You have no idea how much that offer means to a poor little orphan girl like me," Lily said.

"You're welcome," Suzie said.

"Can I go talk to the Leprechaun?" Lily asked.

Sean looked over at the group seated at the far end of the yard. He didn't see any reason that she couldn't talk to them. He said, "Sure."

"This is going to be fun," Lily said running over to the swing to get her soda and popcorn.

Worried, Suzie asked, "Are you sure that it will be okay?"

"I'm sure that Lily will be fine. The Dwarves and Liam have all been perfect gentlemen," Sean said.

"I am more worried about them than Lily," Suzie said.

"Why?"

Suzie said, "She's going to talk them into conjuring up some oyster ice cream and getting them to try it."

"Maybe I ought to warn them," Sean said with a frown.



-------

Chapter 23


Sean picked up the video tape labeled intermission. When the credits finally rolled past, he stopped the VCR and popped out the Dr. No tape. He put in the intermission tape and hit play as quickly as possible. It was getting rather late for his mother to be honking the horn. He looked up as a film started a countdown to the end of intermission. It looked like something that had been made thirty years ago. Shaking his head, he said, "I wonder where she got this."

He looked over and spotted his mother walking into the house with Mrs. Emery. The two women were giggling like giddy school girls. His Dad and Mr. Emery were in line at the concession stand. He glanced over at the intermission film and saw that there were nine minutes to go before the end of intermission. He headed over to help Suzie.

Suzie looked over at him when he arrived and said, "Could you fix two sodas? Regular and Diet."

"Sure," Sean said grabbing two cups from the stack.

Mr. Emery said, "My date gets real excited watching Sean Connery."

"I know what you mean," Sean's dad said.

"I already got to first base," Mr. Emery said.

"Same here," Sean's dad said nudging Mr. Emery with an elbow. He winked and said, "I'm hoping that she'll go all the way tonight."

"I know what you mean," Mr. Emery said returning a similar wink and a nudge.

"Stop that! I can't fix your popcorn and listen to you talking like that," Suzie said with a horrified expression on her face.

"Why?" her father asked.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Suzie answered.

"Six minutes to go," Sean said glancing over at the intermission movie. He set the two drinks in the carry tray.

Mr. Emery said, "Hurry up. We need to be in the car before the movie starts."

"I need two sodas: one regular and one diet. One box of popcorn," Sean's father said.

Mr. Emery said, "When those two ladies get out of the women's room, why don't you give them each a candy bar? Tell them that we wanted our sweets to have some sweets."

"This is so wrong," Suzie said shaking her head.

Nodding his head in agreement, Sean said, "It is sick; that is what it is. Sick, sick, sick."

"What?" his father asked innocently.

"We're helping our fathers to score with our mothers," Sean said disgusted.

"Don't knock it until you've tried it," Sean's father said.

Mr. Emery said, "Hey, don't go giving that boy any ideas now."

"Sorry," Sean's father said. Turning to Sean, he said, "Keep it in your pants son. I know it is hard, but use your willpower to resist those evil urges."

"Listen to your father, son. He knows best," Mr. Emery said.

Sean stared at his father while the soda overflowed the cup. Realizing his hand was getting wet, he pulled the cup away. Shaking his head, he said, "You're talking to me like that after telling me about how you're hoping to get lucky with my mother."

"She's not your mother; she's my date," his father answered.

Sean put the two sodas in the carry tray. Suzie handed him the box of popcorn. He put it on the tray with the sodas and said, "Here you go."

"Can we ban them from the concession stand?" Suzie asked after they had stepped away from the table.

"I don't know," Sean answered staring at the two men heading back towards their cars. He was thankful that Lily was over with the Dwarves.

His attention returned to Suzie when she said, "Those two fellows wanted you to have some candy."

"Oh really," Sean's mother said while accepting a candy bar from Suzie.

"That's so nice of them. Did they say why?" Mrs. Emery asked holding up her candy bar.

Suzie grimaced and said, "Sweets for their sweets."

"Isn't that adorable?" Sean's mother said. She used the same little squeal when saying the word, 'adorable, ' that women use when talking about a cute baby.

"It is. It really is," Mrs. Emery said.

"How should we thank them?" Sean's mother asked.

Wiggling her eyebrows, Mrs. Emery said, "We're going to have to do something really nice for them."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Sean's mother asked with a smile.

Smiling, Mrs. Emery turned to Suzie and asked, "Have you got any napkins back there? He gets so messy sometimes when he's eating popcorn. You just have to rub and rub and rub and then suddenly you have a bigger mess than what you started with."

"I could use some too," Sean's mother said.

"This is so wrong," Suzie said looking at the pair of women.

"I want to die. Kill me now," Sean said.

Suzie handed over two bunches of napkins to the mothers. Sean's mother said, "Oh, look. Intermission is almost over."

Sean looked at the screen and then ran over to the VCR to change the video tape. He had just reached it when he heard his mother scream, "Ahh!"

"Ahh!" Mrs. Emery screamed a fraction of a second later.

Sean looked over to see two screaming women pointing at Liam. The Leprechaun, deciding that it was some kind of new greeting, screamed, "Ahh!"

Sean's mother screamed, "Who are you?"

"Who are you?" Liam screamed back.

"I asked first!"

"I asked second!"

Just as the fathers arrived on the scene, Lily said, "Hi, Mom. This is Liam. He's a Leprechaun."

Sean's mother looked down at the little man for a second. She looked over at Mrs. Emery for a second. She looked back down at Liam. In a very conversational tone of voice, she asked, "Did I understand correctly that you are a Leprechaun?"

"That's right," Liam answered straightening the collar of his green suit coat.

Mrs. Emery looked at Sean's mother and, in a very soft voice, said, "I seem to remember a story or two about Leprechauns."

"Same here," Sean's mother said.

"Are you real Leprechaun?" Mrs. Emery asked.

"Yes," Liam said. He looked from woman to woman feeling very uncomfortable all of a sudden. He noticed the two men standing behind him. He muttered, "Why is it that I suddenly feel like a worm surrounded by robins?"

"Get him!" Mrs. Emery shouted as she reached for the little man dressed in green. As if by telepathy, Sean's mother was making her move on Liam as well.

Liam was long gone by the time either woman reached where he had been standing. Sean turned to Suzie and said, "He sure can move."

"I didn't even see him leave," Suzie said nodding her head. She hadn't seen Sean arrive either.

Looking around wildly, Sean's mother asked, "Where did he go?"

Lily stamped her foot and said, "You scared him away."

Patting Lily on the head, Sean's mother said, "Don't worry Lily, we'll get him tomorrow."

"You're right. There's a James Bond film to watch tonight," Mrs. Emery said.

"A woman must have her priorities," Sean's mother said.

"Are you okay?" Sean's father asked.

"I'm fine. Well, I'm a little disappointed. Actually, I'm a lot disappointed, but I'll get over it when I catch the little fellow," Sean's mother answered.

Mr. Emery asked, "How about you?"

"The only thing that could me feel better is a little James Bond," Mrs. Emery said.

Grinning, Sean pointed at the screen and said, "The film has started."

His words sparked a mad dash to the cars. Suzie commented, "They weren't that fast when they went after Liam."

Lily said, "You're right."

Sean said, "I would say that the introduction to the magic folks went well."

"Yes, it did," Suzie said. She ate a piece of popcorn out of the corn popper.

Lily tugged on Sean's shirt and said, "I'm tired. Can I go to sleep in my bed or do I have to go to the car?"

"I'd say that you could go to your bed," Sean said smiling down at his little sister. It was way past her normal bedtime.

Lily said, "Good night."

"Good night," Suzie said.

"Do you want me to tuck you in?" Sean asked.

"No, I have to act like a big girl now that I've become an orphan," Lily said with a sigh.

"Get in your pajamas. I'll come to your room in a couple of minutes," Sean said patting her on the head.

"Thanks, Sean," Lily said smiling up at him.

After Lily went into the house, Suzie said, "You sure are good with her."

"She's a neat kid," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

"You'll make a great father someday," Suzie said. The idea of him being a good father excited her a lot more than the idea of him knowing his way around the kitchen.

"Do you think so?"

"Yes," Suzie said. She leaned over to kiss him.

There was a slight clearing of a throat. Sean looked down and said, "Hello, Chom."

"Hello Sean," Chom said.

Suzie said, "I'm a little surprised that you interrupted us. I thought you were waiting for him to catch me."

"To tell the truth, there was a lot more catching going on during that last play than we've seen you two engage in," Chom said.

Suzie rolled her eyes and said, "I'm sorry we're such a disappointment to you."

"Don't be sorry. We'll be more than happy to watch you after the play is over," Chom said.

"Thank you," Sean said glancing over at Suzie. She didn't look amused. He asked, "Until that time, what can we do for you?"

"We need some more of those wonderful beverages and boxes of food," Chom said.

"How many?" Suzie asked.

"The fairies are still working on their first beverage. I guess six of each," Chom answered.

"Liam left," Sean said.

"He'll be back," Chom said waving a hand in a dismissive manner.

"Okay," Suzie said.

Looking back at the house, Sean said, "Can you handle this? I should go tuck Lily into bed."

"Go ahead," Suzie said smiling at him.

Sean entered Lily's bedroom and found that she was in bed. He sat down on the edge of her bed and asked, "Did you have a good time tonight, Lily?"

"Yes, I did. I really like the fairies," Lily said smiling up at Sean.

"They are kind of cute, aren't they?" Sean said.

Lily giggled and said, "They said you were a pervert."

"They did, did they?"

Nodding her head, Lily said, "Rose said you checked out her naked body."

"How did that topic of conversation come up?" Sean asked. He was pretty sure that Rose wasn't going around telling everyone that he checked out her body.

"She caught me looking at her," Lily answered looking a little embarrassed.

"Ah," Sean said.

In a much softer voice that was filled with wonder, Lily said, "She sat on the palm of my hand. It was like holding a butterfly."

"She must like you a lot," Sean said.

"I guess," Lily said. She yawned and then said, "I'm sleepy."

Pulling the sheet up and tucking it around her, Sean said, "Sleep tight; don't let the bed bugs bite."

"If they do, I'll send them to Mom's room. That will kill them," Lily said sleepily.

Sean watched her drift off to sleep. He stood carefully so that he wouldn't disturb her sleep and tip-toed from the room. He left the door open a little knowing that his mother would be by to check up on her after the film ended.

Sean went outside and took a seat by Suzie. He asked, "Did anything interesting happen while I was gone?"

"No," Suzie answered, "I served up six drinks and popcorns for the Fairy Tale Gang."

"That's a good name for that motley crew seated in the peanut gallery over there," Sean said.

Suzie laughed and said, "Yes."

Sean looked over at the movie. He had missed so much of it that he wasn't really interested in watching it. Deciding that he'd rather talk, he said, "I can't believe our parents acting like that."

"They were just teasing us," Suzie said.

Picking up his soda, Sean took a sip. The straw made that sucking noise that announced to the world that his cup was empty. He said, "I don't think they were teasing us."

Suzie looked over at the two cars parked in the middle of the yard. She leaned forward and studied the car for a moment longer. Sitting back, she asked, "Isn't your mother supposed to be in the car with your father?"

"Yes," Sean said.

"I don't see her," Suzie said.

"I bet that she's off chasing Liam," Sean said.

Suzie looked over at the far end of the yard. She said, "Liam is over there watching the movie."

"So where is she?" Sean asked.

Suzie blushed when she spotted some movement in the car and said, "My mistake. She is in the car."

"Dad's head must have been blocking your view of her," Sean said. He looked over at the candy box debating about getting a little snack to eat.

"I don't think so," Suzie said squirming uncomfortably in her chair.

"Where's your mother?" Sean asked glancing over at the other car.

Suzie said, "Let's go in the house."

"Why?" Sean said puzzled.

Suzie realized that Sean had no idea what was going on. She said, "Our Dads are getting lucky."

"Oh," Sean said making a face like he had bitten into a lemon. He said, "Let's go in the house."

Sean led the way into the house with thoughts about what was going on in the backyard, how this was the first time he had been alone in his house with Suzie, and that the peanut gallery was distracted with the movie. All of those thoughts were just a little too much for his poor little mind and he started getting nervous. He said, "Let's sit down in the living room."

"Great," Suzie said. She was still feeling a little weird about what she had seen in the car.

Sean sat down on the couch with Suzie beside him. They sat side by side as if they were complete strangers. Wanting to break the uneasy silence that had settled over them, Sean said, "I imagine that we'll have to clean up after the movie is over."

"Probably," Suzie said.

"It is going to be a mess," Sean said stiffly. He had spilled some coke and it would get all sticky by the time the movie was over.

"Yes," Suzie said thinking about the messes suggested by her mother.

They sat side by side without talking for another few minutes. The tension seemed to build to very uncomfortable levels. In what he hoped was a real smooth move, Sean yawned, covered his mouth with his hand, and then laid his arm along the top of the couch behind Suzie. He hoped it all looked natural enough. He said, "I didn't realize that running a concession stand or projector was such hard work."

"The concession stand was busy," Suzie said.

He said, "You really did a good job running the concession stand."

"You were a lot of help," Suzie said.

Sean looked nervously around and let his arm move down around Suzie. When she didn't hit him, he relaxed a little. She settled into the crook of his arm with a little sigh. Feeling a little more confident, Sean pulled her a little towards him. He said, "I didn't want you doing all that hard work alone."

Suzie giggled and said, "This is ridiculous."

"What?" Sean said pulling his arm back.

Suzie said, "You're acting like this is our first date. Come here and kiss me."

Sean was good at following instructions and a very heavy make-out session followed. It lasted for a good half of an hour and ended with Suzie snuggled up to him. Unfortunately the hard day's work and the late hour caught up to them. The young couple fell asleep holding each other in an intimate embrace.

"Oh, look at that. Isn't that sweet?"

Sean heard someone taking, but he did his best to ignore it. He nestled up to Suzie dreaming that they were together like that all of the time.

"She's got her hand on his crotch and he's got a hand on her breast."

Sean heard that last voice. A little thought flitted through his mind, 'That was a man's voice and it wasn't Dad talking. Maybe I should wake up now.' He opened one eye and found Mr. Emery's face about a foot from his face. He said, "Awk."

Sean's sudden movement woke Suzie. Still half asleep, she said, "Oh, hello Daddy."

Managing to smile at Suzie while simultaneously glaring at Sean, Mr. Emery asked, "Are you ready to go to the nunnery?"

"Yes," Suzie answered. It took her a few seconds to make sense of the question. Realizing what her father had asked, she said, "No. I mean no, I'm not ready to go the nunnery."

Leaning over to Suzie, Mrs. Emery said, "I think your father is asking you to take your hand off of Sean's crotch."

"Oh," Suzie said moving her hand away as if it were on fire. Any residual sleep seemed to vanish in an instant.

Deciding that a change in subject and mood was in order, Sean pasted a very artificial smile on his face and asked, "Did you enjoy the movie?"

"Yes, I did," Mr. Emery answered.

"That's very good," Sean said wishing that his brain could come up with something else to say. He really didn't like the way that Mr. Emery was looking at him.

"Did you enjoy the movie?" Mr. Emery asked.

"I think so," Sean answered. His face was beginning to hurt from trying to hold the smile. He was afraid that if he frowned that would be the beginning of his end. He didn't his life to end at the moment.

Mr. Emery asked, "Are you enjoying holding her breast?"

"Oh my! Is that what I was holding?" Sean screamed making sure that his hand was no longer anywhere near Suzie's breast.

Mrs. Emery said, "Of course, he was enjoying it. Every young man enjoys breasts. They live for each and every opportunity to play with one."

"You're not helping, Mrs. Emery," Sean said between clenched teeth.

"Look at the bright side, honey. Even though her blouse is half unbuttoned, his hand was more or less outside the shirt. It could have been worse," Mrs. Emery said.

"You really aren't helping," Sean muttered. It looked to him like Mr. Emery had grown two feet taller.

Mr. Emery stood up and looked down at Sean. He asked, "Did you remember your father's advice?"

Sean sat there wondering to what advice Mr. Emery was making reference. Realizing that a reply was expected, he answered, "Of course."

"What was it that he said again?"

"Uh," Sean said looking around as if there might be a clue somewhere in the room with him.

"You don't remember, do you?" Mr. Emery asked.

"I remember all of his advice. I'm just a little short on clues as to which particular piece of advice you want me to recite," Sean said breaking out in a sweat.

"Something about willpower," Mr. Emery said.

Nodding his head, Sean said, "Oh, that one."

"What did he say again?" Mr. Emery asked.

"When it is hard, use your pants to keep it in your willpower," Sean answered. He frowned and muttered, "That wasn't quite right."

"What was that?" Mr. Emery asked.

"When it is hard, keep it in your pants until you can use your willpower on it," Sean said knowing he had blown it again. He muttered, "That definitely wasn't right."

"Maybe the third try is the charm."

Sean said, "When it is hard, use your willpower to keep it in your pants! I got it right that time."

"Did you?" Mr. Emery asked.

"Did I what?" Sean asked wondering if he had gotten it wrong again.

"Use your willpower?"

"You bet! I was so hard that I thought my pants were going to tear, but they didn't," Sean said thinking the whole time that he should just shut up. While others might have mastered that elusive mental power of mind over matter, Sean was still working on mind over mouth. He had a long way to go before mastering that particular mental power. He said, "I'm going to have to get some baggier pants because one of these days the zipper on this pair is going to bust wide open and that will be all she wrote."

"Isn't that cute?" Mrs. Emery said cheerfully, "He's babbling just like you used to when you would have little man to man talks with my daddy."

"I didn't babble," Mr. Emery said.

"Oh yes you did. I remember you telling my father that I had the sweetest ... Well, you remember what you said you had tasted," Mrs. Emery said realizing that she had almost said too much.

Throwing up his hands, Mr. Emery turned to his wife and asked, "How am I supposed to put the fear of God into him if you're making those kinds of comments?"

"Well, you're doing a good job of it," Mrs. Emery said. She gestured at Sean and said, "Look at him. He's quivering."

"This is my first opportunity to really terrify the boy. That's one of the greatest pleasures of being a father," Mr. Emery said.

Sean's father nodded his head in agreement and said, "That's true."

"Relax. You'll have another chance when you catch him sucking on her breasts," Mrs. Emery said.

Mr. Emery cheered up a little and said, "That's true."

"I'm so dead," Sean said.

Suzie said, "I'm going to die a virgin."



-------

Chapter 24


For the first time in years, Sean woke up without the voice of Lily demanding that he get out of bed. Even with his eyes closed, he could tell that the room was much brighter than normal. He yawned and said, "I must have left the light on last night."

Upon opening his eyes, he glanced at the clock and saw that it was after seven in the morning.

He couldn't remember ever being allowed to sleep that late. Surprised, he sat up in bed and said, "I wonder if Lily is okay."

Feeling much more awake than usual, he got out of bed and dressed. Leaving his room, he stopped and looked in Lily's room. She was still asleep in bed with a peaceful expression on her face. He watched her sleep for a minute, but his bladder made its demands known. He headed to the bathroom. The massive quantities of soda that he had consumed the previous evening took a long time to leave his system. He zipped up and washed his hands.

Walking into the kitchen, he found his mother seated at the kitchen table working over a stack of papers. He said, "I can say for once that this is indeed a good morning."

"The day is almost over," his mother said absently.

"This is a perfectly reasonable time to wake up," Sean said.

His mother looked up from her work and said, "When it gets hard, use your pants and willpower on it."

"That's not what I said," Sean replied rolling his eyes. He had a feeling that he was going to be hearing a lot of comments like that.

"That's right. It was use your willpower to get it hard and then bust out of your pants," his mother said laughing.

Protesting, Sean said, "I was half asleep."

"You must not have been that tired, you got up and cleaned the backyard last night," his mother said. She had been surprised at how neat and clean everything was when she woke that morning.

"Uh, I don't remember doing that," Sean said wondering how she would react to the news that it was probably Brownies who had cleaned up the mess.

"Someone cleaned it up and it wasn't me or your father. We were a little busy last night," his mother said with a private little smile.

That clinched it for Sean. It was definitely Brownies who cleaned up the mess. Sean asked, "Are we having another movie night tonight?"

"Of course," his mother answered. She looked over at him and said, "You will run the projector and Suzie will run the concession stand. You might want to make sure that you keep it in your pants. Her father was a little upset at finding you groping her."

"I wasn't groping," Sean protested.

"Groping, fondling, squeezing, massaging, and generally appreciating a girl's breasts are all the same to a father," his mother said brightly.

"I was asleep," Sean said.

"That's a poor excuse for letting your lust run rampant," his mother said.

"I give up," Sean said. He eyed the stack of papers and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I've been researching Leprechaun traps," his mother said.

"You believe Liam is a Leprechaun?" Sean asked.

His mother answered, "Of course, I'm part Irish."

"There's no Irish in our family," Sean said surprised by the claim.

"I know, I just feel Irish this morning and that makes me part Irish," his mother said dismissing his objection.

Knowing that arguing wouldn't do any good, Sean asked, "So what did you find?"

"Most of these traps are just too small," his mother said. She lifted a sheet of paper and said,

"This one says to use a shoebox. Can you imagine that Leprechaun trying to fit in a shoebox?"

"Ah, no," Sean said.

"This is going to be tricky," his mother said looking over another sheet of paper.

"I imagine," Sean said thinking that he should probably warn Liam that his mother was taking up the hunt.

She said, "You have to understand your prey in order to catch it."

"That's a good start," Sean said.

"Did you know that Leprechauns are cobblers?" his mother asked.

"Desserts are in high demand," Sean said with a smile.

His mother looked over at him and saw his smile. Ignoring his comment, she said, "I need some bait. I think I've got a pair or two of shoes that need to be repaired."

"I've heard Dad describe your shoe collection in terms of tonnage," Sean said. One night his father had created a shoe train that extended from his mother's closet and ran all of the way out the backdoor.

"Posh! He's always exaggerating," his mother said dismissively.

"He's not the only one in this family with a propensity to exaggerate," Sean said.

His mother said, "I remember reading how the tendency to exaggerate was tied to the Y chromosome."

"You don't have a Y chromosome," Sean said.

"I know," his mother said smiling at him.

Giving up, Sean said, "I guess I had better eat breakfast."

"Do you work today?" his mother asked.

"I don't know," Sean said scratching the back of his head.

His mother said, "You haven't had a day off since you started that job."

"I hadn't realized that," Sean said. He had spent a week painting the building when no one else was around. Before that, he had worked a couple of days and then had worked yesterday in the kitchen.

"You're supposed to have a day off occasionally," his mother said.

"I'll ask Mr. Catchums about it," Sean said grabbing a cereal bowl.

Lily came out of her bedroom rubbing her eyes. She saw her mother seated at the table and, in a very surprised tone of voice, said, "I'm not an orphan."

"Of course you aren't," her mother replied looking at her surprised. She asked, "Did you have a bad dream?"

"No. I thought you would be busy trying to catch Liam," Lily answered.

"Oh. I imagine that we'll have him by the end of the week," his mother said confidently.

Lily looked over at Sean and said, "It is you and me against the world."

"Do you want some cereal?" Sean asked.

"Yes," Lily said. She looked at her mother and said, "I'll have the one with the Leprechaun on the box."

Sean handed her the box of cereal saying, "Here you go."

Lily said, "Mommy, you might want to hold on to this box after I'm done with it."

"Why?"

"I've got a feeling that it is going to be as close as you get to catching a Leprechaun," Lily said solemnly.

"Your faith in me is truly inspiring," her mother said.

"And well deserved," Sean added with a smile.

"Oh, yes," Lily said.

"I'm wounded to the core," their mother said theatrically holding her hands over her heart.

"I'm sure you are," Sean said.

"I guess I better go. Suzie's mother and I are meeting to plan how we're going to catch that Leprechaun," his mother said rising from her seat. She gathered the papers together and straightened them by rapping the edges against the tabletop.

"When will you be home?" Sean asked.

"I'll be here for lunch," his mother answered distracted by the material on the top sheet.

"Where's dad?" Sean asked afraid that he'd have to skip work to watch Lily.

"He's in the living room reading the paper. There's an article that people have reported seeing Fairies and Dwarves in the woods around here. There's another article saying that local officials are worried that there is something in the water affecting the mental health of the people living in this area," his mother answered.

"Is there any chance the two articles are related?" Sean asked.

"I would think not. It makes sense that if there are Leprechauns running around, that Dwarves and Fairies wouldn't be too far away. To think otherwise would be crazy," his mother answered.

"Of course," Sean said.

She smiled and said, "It is going to be a busy news week this week. First there will be the article about my film festival. I have enough material for a whole page. Then there will be the article about how I caught the Leprechaun. I'm sure they'll print up a special edition for that."

Lily poured her cereal and said, "I better eat up. I don't think we're going to get lunch."

It was a little after eleven when Sean showed up at the Dairy King. Mr. Catchums was busy getting the shop ready for another day of business. When he saw Sean come in, he said, "Ah, you're here."

"I thought that is where I was. I appreciate your confirmation of it," Sean said nodding his head in agreement.

Mr. Catchums shook his head thinking it was better just to have the kid working than to spend any time talking to him. He reached in his shirt pocket and pulled out a check. He said, "Here's your pay."

"Oh boy! I forgot completely about that," Sean said taking the check. He looked at the check to make sure that his name was spelled correctly. Surprised by the amount, he said, "This is a big check."

"I got an estimate on how much it would cost to paint the place. You earned it," Mr. Catchums said. The amount was slightly less than half of the estimate he had gotten. With the amount he had for Suzie, he had gotten the building painted for about one-third of the price he had been quoted.

"Wow. Maybe I should be a painter," Sean said. He held his arm out with his thumb pointed up like he was some sort of artist.

"I imagine that you'd like a day or two off to take that little lady of yours somewhere," Mr.

Catchums said.

"That would be wonderful," Sean said thankful that he didn't need to bring up the subject of having some time off.

"Hold on," Mr. Catchums said on noticing that someone was already at the service window.

Business had really picked up since the building had been painted.

"Okay," Sean said still looking at his check. It was for a little over eight hundred dollars. He remembered the price of gold and thought, 'This is one more ounce of gold.'

After taking care of the customer, Mr. Catchums returned and said, "It looks like it will be a busy day. Everyone keeps asking if the place is under new management."

"I'm sure that everyone is overjoyed upon learning that I've joined your customer service team," Sean said.

Mr. Catchums nearly choked. Recovering he said, "I need you to work Monday. You're going to be on your own for a while. I'm going to the bank to try to get a loan to improve the business."

"Alright!" Sean shouted. He started doing a little victory dance.

"What?" Mr. Catchums asked taken aback by Sean's rather exuberant reaction.

"I've been on the job for less than a month and I've already been promoted to day manager!"

Sean said.

"Oh," Mr. Catchums said wondering how asking Sean to watch the store for a couple of hours translated into a promotion.

Sean said, "Don't worry Mr. Catchums. I won't let you down."

"Well, I'll see you Monday," Mr. Catchums said shaking his head. He hoped that he wasn't making a mistake.

"I'll be here wearing a suit," Sean said.

"No need. Just wear your regular work clothes," Mr. Catchums said.

"Ah, I get it. Casual Mondays," Sean said.

Ignoring the comment, Mr. Catchums said, "I'd appreciate it if you would tell Suzie that I have a check here for her."

"I'll do that," Sean said.

Another customer came to the window. Mr. Catchums said, "It is going to be a busy day, today."

Sean left the Dairy King and decided to stop at the convenience store for a little conversation and a soda. He would have gone straight to Suzie's house, but he wasn't quite ready to face Mr.

Emery yet. Entering the store, he said, "Hello, Sam."

"Hello, Sean," Sam said looking up from what he was doing. He noticed the splotched white pants Sean was wearing. He asked, "Working today?"

"No. I got the day off," Sean said.

"Lucky you," Sam said. He bent down and scribbled some notes on a piece of paper.

"What are you doing?" Sean asked.

"I'm trying to come up with an ad for my truck," Sam answered.

"Are you trying to sell it or are you advertising the store on it?" Sean asked.

"I'm trying to sell it. I'm going to be leaving for school in three weeks. Since I can't keep a car on campus, I'm going to place an ad in the Saver to sell it," Sam answered. He was returning early to school because he worked in the athletics department to help cover the cost of tuition.

The football team would be starting practice two weeks before the fall semester started.

"How much are you asking for it?" Sean asked thinking that it was fortuitous that Sam had a truck he wanted to sell and that he wanted to buy a car.

"Eight-fifty," Sam answered.

Sean pulled his check out of his pocket and looked at the amount written on it. He sighed and said, "You work and you work, but before you know it you've spent all of your earnings and find yourself in debt."

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked wondering if he really wanted to know the answer.

"I got my first paycheck," Sean said holding it up for Sam to see.

"Oh," Sam said thinking that didn't explain anything.

Looking down at his check, Sean asked, "Would you take eight hundred for your truck?"

Sam frowned at the question and said, "I wasn't expecting to sell it today. The only reason I was working on the ad was that I have to get it in later this week for it to appear in the Saver next week. I figured that it would take at least a week to sell."

"That's okay. I don't need it today; I'd just like to get a car before school starts," Sean said.

"I guess eight hundred would be okay," Sam said thinking that he wouldn't have to pay for the ads or worry about selling it.

"Excellent. I'll have my mechanic check it out," Sean said trying to sound very adult about the sale.

"Your mechanic?" Sam said looking at Sean surprised at the suggestion that he had a mechanic.

He asked, "You have a mechanic?"

"Oh yes. I'm sure that I have a mechanic around here somewhere; I just don't know who it is yet," Sean answered.

"You don't carry one around in your pocket?" Sam asked with a laugh.

Patting the pockets of his pants, he said, "I would, but my pockets are too small."

"So are you really serious about buying my truck?" Sam asked. He was never sure when Sean was serious or not.

"Yes, I am," Sean said. He paused for a minute and then said, "There are lots of trucks parked around here. Which one is it?"

"It is the white one parked in back," Sam answered.

"White? White is a good color for a truck," Sean said.

Sam said, "Well, the passenger door is kind of a gold color."

"That's an interesting choice of color schemes," Sean said.

"It was like that when I bought it," Sam said.

Sean shook his head and said, "Sometimes people have no idea what treasures they are giving away when they sell something. Imagine that; a white truck with one gold door. I bet Detroit didn't make many of them."

"They didn't make it that way. It was in an accident," Sam said.

Sean shook his head and said, "I don't think so. You don't paint a door gold by accident. That sounds like something a person would intentionally do."

"It was a replacement door," Sam said wondering how his conversations with Sean always ended up being like something out of the Twilight Zone.

Nodding his head, Sean said, "This truck is beginning to sound very intriguing. I've never heard of a truck door up and quitting its job. Are there any other major labor disputes in progress that might cause other parts to quit?"

"The truck was in an accident," Sam said. "It is mechanically good, but looks like hell. I bought it at the beginning of summer so that I wouldn't have to walk everywhere. Now I'm selling it."

"Maybe I ought to go look at it."

"That might be a good idea," Sam said rolling his eyes.

Sean went behind the store and found the truck. The body was in pretty bad shape. There were dents, dings, and scratches on nearly every square inch of the body. Even the hood was dented.

It looked like someone had jumped up and down on it. He walked around it a few times and then studied the gold door. He said, "I can always tell Suzie that I am giving her gold door service when I open it for her."

"What are you doing?" Chom asked.

"I'm thinking of buying this truck," Sean answered wondering how Chom had snuck up on him like that.

"Why?" Chom asked.

"So that I won't have to take the bus to school this year," Sean answered.

"Ah," Chom said looking up a Sean. After a long pause, he asked, "What's a bus?"

"Do you remember that big vehicle in the film last night?" Sean asked. He didn't remember if there was actually a bus in either film, but figured the odds were pretty good that there was one.

"Maybe," Chom answered unable to remember any of the details of the film except for that busty actress with the nice name.

"It is one of those," Sean said.

"So why would you want to take one of those buses to school with you?" Chom asked.

"I don't. That's why I'm thinking of buying this truck," Sean answered.

"That makes sense," Chom said nodding his head sagely.

Sean said, "It sure is beaten up."

"It looks like some idiot metal smith let his apprentice take a hammer to it," Chom said shaking his head.

"That it does," Sean said.

Chom walked around the truck pausing to look under it and over it and inside it. Coming back to stand beside Sean, he said, "It would be easy to fix that. Any halfway decent metal smith could have that straightened out in ten minutes."

Pip joined them and said, "I could do it in five minutes."

"It would only take me two minutes," Chom said.

"On second thought, I could do it in a minute," Pip said.

"I could do it in half a minute," Chom said.

"I could snap my fingers and it would be done," Pip said.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Then do it," Chom challenged.

"I will," Pip said.

The pair stood there for half a minute with Chom tapping his foot impatiently. Finally, Chom asked, "When?"

"When I feel like it," Pip answered crossing his arms.

"Do you feel like it now?" Chom asked.

"No," Pip answered.

A few seconds later, Chom asked, "Do you feel like doing it now?"

"No."

Sean listened to the bickering and then said, "I'm going to go get a soda."

"Soda?" Chom asked looking over at Sean with renewed interest.

Looking up at Sean, Pip asked, "Is that the beverage that you served at the party last night?"

"Yes," Sean answered.

"We'll fix the metal on this carriage for a soda," Chom said.

"Two sodas. One for each of us," Pip said pointing a finger at the two of them.

"Can you fix it?" Sean asked.

"Of course we can," Pip answered insulted that his ability should be questioned.

"We're Dwarves! We're the best metal smiths in the world," Chom said proudly.

"Okay. After I buy the truck, you can give it a try," Sean said wondering if he was making a mistake. Of course, it would be pretty hard to make it look worse than it was. He took another walk around the truck looking it over.

"Aren't we going to get a soda?" Chom asked impatiently.

"Come on," Sean said heading towards the store.

"What's going on?" Liam asked joining the little parade.

Chom answered, "Sean is buying us sodas."

"I like sodas. Can I have one?" Liam asked.

"We're fixing his carriage in exchange for the sodas," Chom said.

Liam said, "I can fix his carriage, too."

Sean asked, "What can you do?"

"I'm a cobbler. I can do the leatherwork," Liam said.

"Okay," Sean said thinking it would be nice to have an all leather interior.

"What's up?" Clea asked joining the small group.

Chom answered, "We're putting together a team to repair Sean's truck."

Wondering what everyone was doing here, Sean said, "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"No," Pip answered.

"Thur and I are the best Dwarves at working with mechanical things," Clea said.

Pip said, "He's buying us sodas for being on the team."

"Who is Thur?" Sean asked.

"I am," the Dwarf Sean had never met said. He was a little shorter than Pip, but about twice as round. The overall appearance was of a rather cheerful individual.

"It is nice to meet you, Thur. I'm Sean."

"I told you he was polite," Chom said nudging Thur.

"You did. Yes, you did. I remember you telling me that," Thur said.

"I take it you're joining the team," Pip said.

"What team?" Thur asked.

"We're going to fix his truck," Liam said.

"I have really wanted to take one of those metal chariots apart. I'm glad to see that I'll have my chance now," Thur said rubbing his hands together excitedly.

"Hold on," Sean said watching another Dwarf and Leprechaun as they arrived.

"I'm joining the team, too," Clea said raising her hand.

"I'm Grum," the Dwarf said.

"I'm Agar," the Leprechaun said with a wave of his hand.

"It is nice to meet you, Grum and Agar. I'm Sean."

"They've got to join the team, too," Thur said.

Sean looked around at all of the magic folk. He said, "Okay, you are members of the team, too.

Are we missing anyone?"

"No. This should be enough to fix up that little truck," Chom said.

"What truck?" Grum asked.

"That one over there," Crom answered.

Grum looked in the direction of the truck. Shaking his head in disgust, he said, "It looks like some idiot metal smith let his apprentice take a hammer to it."

"I said the same thing," Crom said patting Grum on the back.

Grum said, "Great minds think alike."

Eyeing the truck with interest, Clea said, "I can't wait to get started on it."

"You're going to have to wait. I haven't bought it yet," Sean said. He didn't think Sam would appreciate finding his truck taken apart when getting off of work.

Chom cleared his throat and said, "Speaking of buying things, you said you were going to buy all of us sodas."

"I guess I did," Sean said grabbing the handle of the door to the store.

Sam looked up at Sean and took in the herd of little people that followed him into the store. He had never seen so many people with beards. Looking over at Clea, he realized even the women had beards. He said, "I see that you brought some of your friends in with you."

"Uh, they're my mechanics," Sean said even as the Dwarves and Leprechauns dispersed across the store.

Chom held up a can of soda and shook it. He shouted, "There's water inside this and there's no hole."

Thur said, "I think if you pull that little thing on the top that it will open."

It was too late to prevent the inevitable by the time Sean realized what was happening and shouted, "Don't!"



-------

Chapter 25


"Forty-three dollars," Sean said pulling his wallet out of his pocket. He hoped that he still had the fifty dollar bill in it.

"And twenty-seven cents," Sam added.

Sean sighed while he pulled the bill out of his wallet. Looking at the puddle of soda on the floor, he said, "I suppose it could have been worse."

Looking across the disaster that was the store, Sam said, "I don't see how. I'll never get the floor clean."

"At least I got them out of here before they did more damage," Sean said. There was even coke on the ceiling. With Chom's demonstration of what happens when a soda can is opened after shaking it, the entire troop decided to repeat the experiment.

"They are your mechanics?" Sam asked while making change. He couldn't believe that they could replace a light bulb much less fix a car.

"Yes," Sean said.

Sam looked over at the stack of newspapers and said, "You know that people have reported seeing Dwarves and fairies in the area."

"I heard about that. Do you think there is any truth to the rumors?" Sean said leaning on the counter. He looked over at the store front window and saw that Chom had his face pressed against it. He waved at hand at Chom to back away.

"It is hard to say. It is a crazy world we live in today," Sam said. He looked over at the door and saw that one of little men was trying to open it. When Liam finally managed to open the door, Sam shouted, "Stay out!"

"We're waiting for the sodas," Liam said impatiently.

"I'll be out with them soon," Sean shouted.

"Don't try to sneak off. We've got both doors covered," Liam said and then closed the door.

Rubbing his chin, Sam said, "Your mechanics look a lot like Dwarves to me."

"That's odd. I keep thinking the same thing," Sean said.

"People could confuse them with Dwarves," Sam said putting another two liter bottle of soda in a plastic bag.

"You might be right," Sean said.

He packed the last two bottles of soda in a plastic bag. Unable to contain his curiosity, Sam asked, "Are they really Dwarves?"

"Well, two of them are Leprechauns," Sean answered.

Sam threw a hand up in the air and said, "I thought so. For a minute there, I was afraid that I was going crazy."

"You're just as sane as I am," Sean said.

"For some reason that doesn't make me feel better," Sam said. He wasn't entirely surprised that Sean would be the first one that magical creatures would approach.

"Are you afraid that you're eccentric too?" Sean asked.

"Yes," Sam answered.

"If you're really worried about it, you might swing by the hospital. I understand they have people who can cure that," Sean said.

"I'm supposed to go back to school in three weeks. I think that spending the rest of my life locked up will interfere with those plans," Sam said.

"That's quite possible," Sean said. It was a well known fact that being locked up tended to reduce one's opportunities for spontaneity.

Sam said, "You go around talking about seeing Dwarves and Leprechauns ... Well, people tend to think that you're crazy and start hiding the sharp objects from you. Sometimes it is best just to keep your mouth shut."

"Sage advice if I've ever heard any," Sean said. He wondered if he was ever going to be able to manage that.

Liam opened the door and shouted, "Are you done yet?"

"I'll be right out," Sean answered.

Sam looked at the four bags filled with two liter bottles of sodas. He asked, "Are you going to be able to carry all of those?"

"No problem," Sean said looking at the lightweight plastic bags. After ordering them to hold up the bottles, he picked up the bags and said, "I'll see you later, Sam."

"Are you going to buy the truck?" Sam asked.

"Yes. My mechanics say they can fix it up so that it will look real nice," Sean answered. He wished that he had half the faith in their abilities as they projected.

"Why do I have the feeling that he's about to throw away eight hundred dollars?" Sam muttered. He watched Sean step out of the store where he was mobbed by the magical folks. It took less than three seconds for them to shred the bags, distribute the large bottles of soda, and have the caps off.

Chom drank down about a third of the two liter bottle in one shot. He belched loudly and said,

"Ah, that's good."

"I'm glad you like it," Sean said. He looked at the motley crew and said, "Sam's pretty upset about how messy you left the store."

"All he has to do is chase a naked nymph around the store for a bit. The Brownies will clean it up," Pip said shrugging his shoulders.

"Speaking of cleaning up, that soda is kind of sticky," Grum said. He was covered head to toe with soda. He had tried to see what happens when you try to drink a shaken soda upon opening it. The results had been spectacular, but it did little to slake his thirst.

Clea said, "There's that stream back in the woods."

"Good idea," Liam said.

"I can't wait to go skinny dipping," Clea said.

"Oh," Chom said without sounding excited.

"Don't you even want to peek?" Clea asked.

Liam said, "We've all gone skinny dipping with you a thousand times."

Pip said, "It is hardly worth a peek."

Clea looked over at Sean with a speculative expression on her face and said, "I'm sure that I could find someone interested in peeking."

Oblivious to the hint, Sean said, "Have fun everyone, I've got to go see Suzie."

"What's a girl got to do to receive a little attention around here?" Clea asked stroking her beard.

Pip said, "We'll see you later, Sean."

"I noticed that the invitation to the party hasn't been removed. Are you having another play tonight?" Liam asked.

"I think so," Sean answered.

"You think so?" Liam asked. "I would hate to show up at a party only to discover that there wasn't one."

"Liam, I should probably warn you that my mother is hunting you," Sean said.

Upon hearing the news, Liam jumped up in the air and clicked his heels together. He shouted,

"Yes!"

"You're taking the news a little better than I anticipated," Sean said rather surprised by Liam's reaction.

Rubbing his hands together, Liam said, "Ah, it is just like old times. The humans chase wee little me for my pot of gold."

"Let the fun begin," Agar said with a gleeful laugh.

"I take it you aren't concerned," Sean said.

"Not at all," Agar said with a huge grin.

Liam said, "How else are we supposed to have fun?"

"I've got to warn you, my mother is pretty tricky," Sean said. He had a feeling that Liam would be at his house one day complaining about having lost his pot of gold.

"All the better," Agar said.

Like magic, all of the Dwarves and Leprechauns disappeared. Sean assumed that they were off to take a bath in the stream. He headed towards the path before realizing that he had forgotten to get a soda. He looked back at the store thinking about returning to buy one.

Deciding that he had already spent too much time at the store, he said, "Later. It is time to gaze upon my fair Suzie while avoiding her hostile father and evil mother. You know, that sounds like the makings of a pretty bad fairy tale."

Sean walked along the path thinking about how the Leprechauns had reacted to the news that his mother was hunting them. It seemed to him that they were as excited by the idea of being chased as she was of catching them. He wondered what his role in bringing back the pantheon of magic creatures was.

Lost in thought, he walked up to the backdoor of Suzie's house and knocked. He nearly jumped out of his skin when a hand came down on his shoulder. He turned to find Mr. Emery standing behind him. Licking his lips out of nervousness, he said, "Hello, Mr. Emery."

"How are you doing this afternoon, Sean?" Mr. Emery asked.

Sean said, "I'm doing fine, sir."

"I take it you came here to visit with me," Mr. Emery said knowing that the truth was that he was the last person that Sean wanted to see.

Thankful that he was wearing women's deodorant, Sean answered, "Sure."

"Great," Mr. Emery said slapping Sean on the back.

"Real great," Sean said eyeing the distance to the path wondering if he could make it there before Mr. Emery caught him. That was kind of hard with Mr. Emery standing between him and freedom.

"You're just in time to help me with the yard work," Mr. Emery said.

"Oh, boy," Sean said with insufficient enthusiasm to convince anyone that he was looking forward to doing yard work.

"I'll ride the mower. You can trim the hedges, edge the sidewalk, and cut the grass growing around the trees," Mr. Emery said smiling over at Sean.

"Yes, sir," Sean said, "You wouldn't happen to have some gloves that I could wear, would you?"

Mr. Emery shook his head and said, "You don't need gloves. We need to toughen up those hands of yours. A man's hand should have some calluses on them. A boy your age should have hands rough as sandpaper."

"Sandpaper?" Sean asked.

"Sure son. Women love to know that their man is a manly man," Mr. Emery said with a smile.

"Won't rough hands irritate their delicate skin?" Sean asked looking down at his hands.

Mr. Emery said, "Of course, it will. That's why a real man keeps his hands to himself."

"Oh. I get it," Sean said looking back up at Mr. Emery. It seemed to him that every time he looked at Mr. Emery, he saw someone different. Last night, he had been afraid that the man was going to grow about two feet taller and turn green with bulging muscles everywhere.

Today he looked like some mad scientist about to turn some poor unfortunate victim into giant worm or something.

"Let's go get the tools you'll need to do the job," Mr. Emery said heading over to the garage.

"This is going to be so much fun," Sean muttered. He followed Mr. Emery past the gasoline powered edger. He turned to stare at the powerful looking machine thinking that it would make quick work of the edging. He followed Mr. Emery past the electronic edger. It didn't look quite as powerful as the gasoline version, but it would still save a lot of effort.

Mr. Emery stopped and pulled an old tool out of a storage bin. Sean looked at it with a sinking feeling in his stomach. Mr. Emery said, "Here's an edger."

"Where's the motor?" Sean asked looking at the long stick with a wheel at one end.

"That's the great thing about this one. It is green. It doesn't use any electricity or produce any greenhouse gases. It runs on a renewable energy source — elbow grease," Mr. Emery said with a smile.

"I don't mind using electricity or producing greenhouse gases," Sean said in protest.

"Nonsense. All of the kids your age want to be green," Mr. Emery said patting Sean on the back.

"I look terrible when I'm green. I prefer being pale, to tell the truth," Sean said.

Mr. Emery laughed while he dug around in the tool bin. After a minute, he stood up and held out a pair of hedge trimmers. He said, "You can use these to trim the hedges."

"Giant scissors," Sean said eyeing the tool with dread.

"Take it. They won't hurt you," Mr. Emery said putting the hedge trimmer in Sean's hands.

"I don't quite believe you," Sean said with a wrinkled brow. This was bad and getting worse by the minute.

"Now where did I put those grass clippers?" Mr. Emery mused aloud. He looked around the garage for a second and then exclaimed, "I remember now."

"You don't have to remember. That weed whacker over there will do a wonderful job," Sean said pointing to the powerful little two stroke weed whacker hanging on the wall.

"Nonsense. We're going green," Mr. Emery said.

"Now that you mention it, I am feeling a little ill," Sean said looking at the old rusted pair of grass clippers that Mr. Emery had found.

"Some fresh air and a little exercise will have you feeling better in no time," Mr. Emery said handing the grass clippers to Sean.

"It is nice that you are so concerned with my health," Sean said juggling a pair of small scissors, big scissors, and a stick with a wheel on the end.

Mr. Emery smiled and said, "Why don't you get started on the front yard while I mow the back?"

Pointing to the hand push manual mower, Sean asked, "Are you going to use that one?"

"That antique? No. I'm going to use the riding lawnmower over there," Mr. Emery answered pointing to a monster mower that looked more like a tractor.

"What about green house gases?" Sean asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm too old for that. Being environmentally friendly is something for young people," Mr. Emery said with a smile. He looked over at the old push mower and an even bigger grin spread across his face. He said, "Of course, if you want to mow the lawn..."

"No, that's okay," Sean said backing away.

"Well, let's get to work," Mr. Emery said with a smile. He walked over to the riding lawnmower with a chuckle.

Sean patted his pockets wishing he had something to use in them. He thought about the pile of stuff on his desk at home and how he could use a few of the items at the moment. Shaking his head, he said, "I'm definitely going to have to get some more pockets."

He looked around and spotted a couple of red rags. He called them to him using his magic. He carried all of the tools out to the front yard and sized up the job. The driveway was long, the hedges ran along both sides of the property, and there were lots of small trees with tall grass growing around their trunks. Dropping the hedge trimmer and grass clippers on the ground, he tried out the edger along the driveway. Frowning, he said, "This is work."

He played with the edger until Mr. Emery drove around the side of the house on the riding mower. Once Mr. Emery was gone, he whipped out one of the red rags and ordered it to operate the edger. The red rag wrapped around the handle of the edger and started moving it back and forth along the edge of the driveway.

Satisfied with the result, he picked up the hedge trimmers. Ordering two rags to operate it, he sent the trimmers over to the hedges. The trimmers made a loud scissoring sound as it floated across the yard to where the hedges were.

He used the last rag to operate the grass clippers. The rag wrapped around both handles and squeezed so that it opened and closed the jaws of the scissors. Sean wasn't sure if the clippers would survive since the blades were so rusty. He sent it to work around the tree.

Standing back, he watched the tools go about their assigned tasks. Thinking of how much work it would have been doing it manually, he said, "I don't think Mr. Emery likes me very much."

Suzie came out of the house and greeted him with a kiss that threatened to light his socks on fire. In a sexy voice, she said, "Hello, Sean."

"Hello, Suzie," Sean squawked. He still had trouble getting control of his tongue and vocal cords when she did things like that.

"What are you doing?" Suzie asked looking at the activity around the front yard.

"I'm helping your father with the lawn work," Sean answered.

"Why?" she asked looking at him puzzled.

"He assumed that was the reason that I came over," Sean answered. The expression on his face let her know that he definitely hadn't volunteered.

"With those old tools?" Suzie asked shocked by the tools Sean was using.

Sean shrugged his shoulders and said, "It was your father's idea. He says that it was so I could be green, but I think he had other ideas in mind."

"Dad is just a little upset about last night. He went so far as to give me a list of nunneries this morning. He told me to pick out one," Suzie said. "I told him I want to go to the nunnery of carnal delights on the isle of Lesbos."

"I bet he liked that idea," Sean said thinking that he'd like to visit her there.

Suzie rolled her eyes at the goofy look that crossed his face. She said, "He stuttered for a minute and then walked off muttering something about having to kill that boy."

"I wonder who the boy is that he wants to kill," Sean said looking up at the sky as if the answer were written there.

"I have no idea," Suzie said with a laugh.

Sean looked over at the tree where the grass clippers were supposed to be hard it work.

Instead, it was on the ground in pieces. He said, "Your dad is going to kill me when he sees that I broke his grass clippers."

"I don't think so. I didn't even know that we had a pair. Dad always uses the weed whacker,"

Suzie said.

Sean ordered the rag to bring the parts of the grass clippers over to him. He looked at the parts and said, "I see what happened. That little thing that holds the two things together broke."

"It sure is rusty," Suzie said looking at the parts Sean was holding.

Sean put the scissors together and looked at the broken part. He said, "Maybe I ought to clean this up before I fix it."

"The metal is broken," Suzie said.

Sean shrugged his shoulders and said, "I think I can order the two parts of the broken piece to fuse together. They are light enough."

"Can you do that?" Suzie asked.

"I don't know. I can try," Sean answered. "Let's go into the garage. Maybe I can find something to help fix them."

Suzie followed Sean into the garage. It took him about five minutes of searching around before he was able to find some fine grit sandpaper. He ordered the sandpaper to clean the rust from the parts. The result wasn't as nice as he wanted, but he just figured that was because he didn't have the right materials to fix it nicely. He put the grass clippers together and ordered the rivet to fuse together. Holding up the clippers, he said, "It worked."

"Neat. I guess that you can put things back together again," Suzie said.

"I don't know the limits on it though," Sean said looking at the clippers. They didn't quite look new, but they did look a lot better than when he had been handed them. He said, "I wouldn't go breaking any expensive vases on purpose."

"You might not want to try it out on any inexpensive vases either," Suzie said.

Hearing the riding mower roar past the backdoor of the garage, Sean said, "Let's go back outside and see how the work is progressing. Your dad should be done mowing the backyard anytime now."

"Right," Suzie said.

Outside, Sean sent the clippers back to work. The red rag seemed to be able to operate the clippers much faster now. He smiled when he noticed that the edger was lying on the driveway.

The drive and walkway were neatly edged. He looked over at the hedge trimmers and said, "It won't be long before the front yard is done."

"I was thinking about what you said the other day and you're right," Suzie said thinking back to a conversation that took place at the Dairy King.

"About what?" Sean asked.

"You do get used to magic," Suzie said.

Watching the hedge trimmers working their way along the long row of hedges, Sean said, "Yes.

There are times when I don't know what I'd do without it."

"Like now?" Suzie asked.

"Yeah, like now," Sean said. "Your father wants to kill me. He's going about killing me in the slowest and most painful way possible."

"No he doesn't," Suzie said with a smile.

"Yes, he does. You should have seen the evil look on his face when he handed me this edger,"

Sean said.

"Daddy is gentle as a lamb," Suzie said.

Sean said, "A killer lamb."

"Don't be silly," Suzie said laughing.

"You've heard of Rambo? Your Dad is Lambo," Sean said.

After a few minutes, the rags returned to Sean carrying the tools with them. He had them set the tools down on the ground. Stretching, he said, "That was a pretty good job of yard work if I do say so myself."

"Not bad," Suzie said in agreement.

"I guess I ought to carry this stuff around to the back yard," Sean said.

Hearing the mower headed their way, Suzie asked, "Would you like something to drink while you're working on the back yard?"

"That would be wonderful," Sean said.

Suzie headed into the house. The door closed just as Mr. Emery drove up on the riding lawn mower. Seeing Sean standing around, he turned off the mower and called out, "What's the problem?"

"No problem," Sean said watching Mr. Emery climb off the mower.

"Why aren't you working?" Mr. Emery asked. He was pretty sure that Sean's arms probably felt like rubber by this time.

"I was just getting ready to go around to the back yard," Sean said.

Mr. Emery looked around seeing that the hedges were trimmed, the drive edged, and the grass trimmed around the trees. Surprised, he said, "I can't believe that you've already finished."

"I know," Sean said shaking his head. He added, "I can hardly believe it myself. I'm just a maniac when it comes to yard work."

"You didn't even break a sweat," Mr. Emery said wiping his brow. His shirt was soaked with sweat and he was the one riding around on the mower.

"I know," Sean said.

"How did you manage that?"

Somewhat embarrassed by his choice of antiperspirant, Sean said, "That's a secret."

"What is it?" Mr. Emery asked.

"I can't tell you," Sean answered thinking about all of the comments that Mr. Emery could make about him.

Mr. Emery said, "Tell me or you'll never see Suzie again."

"Women's antiperspirant," Sean answered suddenly convinced that any snide comments weren't nearly as bad as the alternative.

"You're kidding," Mr. Emery said.

"Nope," Sean said shaking his head.

Mr. Emery said, "I use that super high heat resistant underarm antiperspirant and deodorant for men made by stink blasters."

"Does it work?" Sean asked.

"No," Mr. Emery said after lifting his arms and smelling his armpit. Shaking his head, he said, "It even has these time-release micro-capsules."

"Sam over at the convenience store told me not even to try that stuff. He recommended the women's antiperspirant. I'm glad to hear that he was right," Sean said.

Mr. Emery said, "Don't you end up smelling like a girl?"

"Yeah, but it is better than smelling like a skunk," Sean said.

"That's true," Mr. Emery said scratching his chin.

Thinking that this little conversation was going well, Sean smiled and said, "Women like it when you don't stink."

Mr. Emery was about to agree and then realized what he was about to say. He frowned when he realized the identity of the woman that Sean was trying to please. He said, "You should be ashamed of yourself, young man. Luring unsuspecting young women into your evil clutches by wearing their antiperspirant. How low can you go?"

"I'm going to have to learn how to keep my mouth shut," Sean said hitting the side of his leg with his fist.



-------

Chapter 26


Sean paused on arriving at work to appreciate the changes that had occurred at the Dairy King over the past three weeks. The building had been air conditioned making it a much more pleasant place to work. The gravel parking lot had been paved with blacktop and a carport cover erected that allowed two rows of eight cars to park in the shade. Suzie had taken a job as a carhop, taking and delivering customer orders to the parked cars. Business was hopping at the Dairy King.

Sean went into the backdoor of the Dairy King expecting another busy day. Looking up from the grill where a dozen patties were cooking, Mr. Catchums said, "There you are. You're right on time."

"Thank you for reminding me of my space-time coordinates," Sean said.

"Huh?"

"It always amazes me how few people take the time to extend that little courtesy nowadays. It is really refreshing to hear someone remind you that you exist in the here and now," Sean answered.

"Whatever," Mr. Catchums said.

Sean said, "Usually I am hit with a request to change my space-time coordinates."

"What does that mean?" Mr. Catchums asked.

Sean answered, "Most people tell me to leave."

"I can understand that," Mr. Catchums said. Pointing to the fryer, he said, "We're really busy today. We need some more fries and onion rings."

"Yes, sir," Sean said moving over to the fryer.

"Strange kid," Mr. Catchums said shaking his head. He flipped a patty and laid a slice of cheese on another one. He looked over at Sean and watched the kid fill a basket with frozen fries. He cringed at the thought of what was going to happen next.

"Fry you dastardly slivers of potato, fry," Sean shouted as he set the fry basket into the hot oil.

"You don't have to say that every time you cook some fries," Mr. Catchums said.

"I know, but I feel compelled to do the best job possible," Sean replied. He picked up the bag of frozen onion rings and poured them into the second fry basket.

"Really strange kid," Mr. Catchums muttered.

Sean held the basket of onion rings aloft and said, "You have been found guilty by a jury of your peers for the high crime of hiding your true nature as onions by wearing a disguise of batter. Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?"

In a high pitched voice, he answered, "No."

"I sentence you to death by boiling in oil," Sean said. He gave a little scream while the basket was lowered into the fryer.

Looking over at Suzy taking another order, Mr. Catchums said, "I have no idea what she sees in him."

After a few minutes, Sean lifted the basket of fries out of the fryer. He said, "Another perfect batch of golden fries. French fry aficionados around the world will sing songs of praise about you."

"I need two small fries," Mr. Catchums said.

"You who are about to die, we salute you," Sean said while salting the fries.

"We really don't need all of those commentaries," Mr. Catchums said.

Sean said, "I really hope that when something eats me that it takes a moment to appreciate the sacrifice that I'm making on its behalf."

"For crying out loud; it's a French fry," Mr. Catchums said.

Sean handed two small orders of fries to Mr. Catchums. He said, "I know, but they are perfect French fries prepared by a master chef."

Mr. Catchums put the fries into the bag and called out the pickup window, "Order up."

Suzie picked up the bag and, smiling, said, "I heard Sean arrive."

"What do you see in that guy?" Mr. Catchums asked.

In the background, Sean said, "Oh you perfect onion rings. While it is true that the Gods heap praises upon you, the onerous task of telling you that there is one other far more beautiful than you falls upon me. Your beauty pales beside that of my fair maiden, Suzie. Fret not; her beauty is such that even the sun pales in comparison."

"That," Suzie said with a smile.

"I'm going to have to remember that line," Mr. Catchums muttered returning to the grill.

Returning home from a hard day at work, Sean stopped by the wooden box that was by the side of the path. Liam was leaning against the box polishing the fingernails of his right hand on his green coat. Looking down at Liam, Sean said, "Hello, Liam."

"Hello, Sean."

"How are things?" Sean asked. There were some muffled noises coming from inside the box.

"They couldn't be better," Liam answered. "Getting chased around the country-side by two women is rather exciting."

"That's nice," Sean said. He looked at the box that was now shaking from side to side and commented, "It looks like something is trapped in the box."

"You're right. It does look like something was caught in this poorly disguised trap," Liam said with a smile.

"Indeed it does," Sean said nodding his head.

Liam said, "Imagine the shame of getting caught in such an ugly trap."

"The horror of it all," Sean said.

"Judging by the way the trap is moving around, I would say that something pretty big was inside," Liam said.

"I hope that it isn't a monster," Sean said.

Liam rapped on the side with a knuckle. He shouted, "Hello in there."

After listening to a few choice words issuing forth from inside the box, Sean said, "That voice sounds rather familiar."

"Such language," Liam said.

"Shocking and most foul," Sean said.

Liam said, "It doesn't sound that monstrous."

"You can never be too careful," Sean said.

Liam stepped back and said, "Would you like to have the honor of letting the poor unfortunate creature caught in this insidious trap loose?"

"That is most kind of you," Sean said.

Bowing and pointing to the box, Liam said, "Be my guest."

Sean stepped up to the box and opened the trap door. The next thing he knew was that he was on the ground with a pair of arms wrapped around his ankles and someone shouting, "I got you!"

Sean looked down the length of his body at the person holding onto him. In a conversational tone of voice, he said, "Hi, Mom."

"Oh, it is you," his mother said sounding a little disappointed.

Sean asked, "How was your miserable day?"

"Miserable," his mother answered relaxing her grip on him.

"That's nice. Would you mind getting off of me?" Sean asked.

"How was your miserable day?" his mother asked getting off of him.

"Perfectly miserable," Sean answered.

"That's nice," his mother said.

Sitting up, Sean said, "Thank you."

Liam asked, "Did you enjoy your time in the box?"

"Oh, yes. It was quite comfortable," his mother answered looking over at Liam. He was too far away to have any chance of catching him.

"Really? It looked rather cramped to me," Liam said.

"No. It is much bigger inside than it looks," Sean's mother said.

"I find that rather hard to believe," Liam said skeptically.

Stepping back, Sean's mother gestured to the interior of the box and said, "You can try it and see for yourself."

"That's okay, I'll take your word on it," Liam said with a twinkle in his eye.

The discussion was interrupted when Clea ran past giggling loudly. Max followed two steps behind her. Watching the pair disappear into the woods, Sean's mother asked, "Is it my imagination or were they naked?"

"They were naked," Liam said.

"Strange things are afoot in the forest this fine evening," Sean said.

Liam said, "It looks like Clea found a little friend."

Sean's mother said, "It is nice to see Max smiling again. His mother was complaining the other day that he seemed rather sad all of the time."

"I must admit that he did look happy," Sean said.

"Well, I guess I'll follow along and make sure that they don't get in too much trouble," Liam said looking in the direction that the pair had headed.

"Watch them closely," Sean said.

Smiling, Liam said, "Oh, I will."

Seeing Liam disappear into the forest, Sean's mother glanced at her watch and said, "I suppose I ought to go home and get dinner ready."

Since everyone else was making plans, Sean thought he should do the same. He said, "I think I'll go home and do nothing."

His mother said, "You need to set up the projector and concession stand for the movie tonight."

"I forgot about that," Sean said. After the weeklong Sean Connery film festival, his mother and father had continued by having Saturday night movies. He looked at the box and asked, "What about that?"

"The Dwarves will get it. After all, they brought it here," his mother said heading towards home.

"Ah," Sean said. "I had wondered how it got there. I was tempted to ask you, but I was afraid that you'd tell me."

"You're such a timid boy when it comes to learning. You should never be afraid to ask a question," his mother commented.

Looking sideways at his mother at the suggestion that he was timid about anything, Sean said, "There was something that I was meaning to ask."

"What?"

Sean asked, "How did you end up inside the box?"

"There are some questions that you shouldn't ask," his mother said.

"Answer it anyway," Sean said.

"It is a long story," his mother answered looking up at the sky.

"Do tell," Sean said.

"It is a very long story."

"Even better," Sean said with a smile.

"My throat is too dry to tell such a long and involved story," his mother said massaging her neck.

"I'm sure that you can give me a condensed version," Sean said.

"He tricked me," his mother said.

"That's what I thought," Sean said.

"Catching that little fellow is proving to be a bit more difficult than I had initially imagined," his mother said.

"Where would the challenge be if it was easy?" Sean asked.

"That's true," his mother said.

Curious, Sean asked, "Where's Mrs. Emery?"

"She's recovering," his mother answered.

"Recovering? From what?" Sean asked.

"She got caught in the other trap earlier today," his mother answered.

"What other trap?" Sean asked.

"We thought we would drive him into a net," his mother answered.

"Oh. I think I know where this story is going," Sean said.

"He moved the net on us," his mother said.

"I thought so," Sean said.

His mother said, "It took me an hour to get her down."

"He's a real tricky one," Sean said. "Is she okay?"

"More or less. The only thing injured was her pride," his mother said.

"There are few wounds that hurt more than injured pride," Sean said.

"Too true."

They walked along in silence for a moment. It took Sean a minute to realize that it wasn't all that silent. He asked, "What's that noise?"

"I don't know. It sounds like a riot," his mother answered. There was a lot of yelling and shouting going on.

"I'd say it sounds more like a construction site," Sean said.

"It sounds like it is coming from our back yard," his mother said coming to a full stop.

Sean said, "I didn't know we are having some work done on the house."

Worried, his mother said, "We aren't."

There was a large crash. Sean said, "That didn't sound good."

Sean was talking to himself by that time. His mother was a hundred yards ahead and pulling further away by the second. Shaking his head, he said, "She sure can move."

"Impressive," said a little voice by his foot.

Looking down, Sean spotted a little man about half the size of a Dwarf standing beside him. He was a rotund little fellow wearing a familiar looking pointy hat. Curious, he asked, "Who and what are you?"

"Who and what are you?"

"I'm Sean and I'm a human."

"I'm Sid and I'm a Gnome."

"Nice to meet you," Sean said.

"Nice to meet you," Sid replied.

"I hope that I'm not asking a rude question, but what do Gnomes do?" Sean asked.

"A little of this and a little of that. Very little of anything, really," Sid answered. He thought for a second and said, "Mostly we stand around in gardens and watch grass grow."

"Sounds exciting," Sean said.

"It is," Sid said.

"I can believe it. I have always wanted to watch grass grow."

"You must try it sometime," Sid said.

"I fear that I'll never have the opportunity," Sean said.

"Pity," Sid said shaking his little Gnomish head. The effort almost tired him out.

Sean looked around and said, "There isn't much grass here to watch grow."

"I heard there was a play being shown this evening. You wouldn't know where that is going to happen?" Sid said.

"I'm headed that way right now," Sean said.

"Excellent. I've heard that they provide a magical elixir called soda there," Sid said.

"I wouldn't exactly describe soda as a magical elixir," Sean said.

"I've heard that it foams like beer without making you crazy or feeling bad the next day," Sid said.

The sounds of his mother yelling joined the noise emanating from the yard. Sean said, "It sounds like Mom has discovered what is happening and she doesn't sound all that happy."

"Mom is the lady who was running down the path?"

"Yes," Sean answered.

"Weren't you supposed to be chasing her?" Sid asked.

"No," Sean said in disgust.

"Sorry. I was just asking," Sid said sounding a little disappointed. Watching grass grow didn't produce many opportunities for watching a man chase a nymph.

"I should probably get there and find out what is happening," Sean said.

"Would you mind giving me a lift?" Sid asked looking up at Sean.

"A lift?" Sean asked.

"It is a rather far distance to walk," Sid said shrugging his shoulders.

"It isn't that far," Sean said.

"Not for you. You have long legs. I'm small so the distance is effectively ten times further for me," Sid said.

"I didn't think of it like that," Sean said.

"When you watch grass grow all day you have plenty of time to think of things like that," Sid said.

"I suppose you would," Sean said.

"So you'll give me a lift?" Sid asked.

"I suppose," Sean answered.

Sid climbed up onto Sean's shoulders and asked, "What are we standing around for? We don't have all day."

"He's rather impatient for a guy who stands around watching grass grow," Sean muttered.

Sean walked down the path to his home. Upon reaching the yard, he spotted a rather large structure next to the back of the garage. Frowning, he stared at it trying to make out what it was. Sid said, "Dwarves! They're building a workshop."

"Is that what it is?" Sean said.

Without saying a word, Sid climbed off of Sean's shoulders. He stopped where he landed and stood on the ground watching the furious activity surrounding the building. There were clangs of metal, pounding of hammer against wood, minor explosions, and shouts originating from inside the building.

Chom came out and walked over to Sean. He asked, "Where's Clea?"

"Last I saw of her, she was running through the woods being chased by Max," Sean answered. He wondered if that would stop the activity around the building.

Chom looked over at the woods for a second before he said, "It is about time someone took an interest in her. I'm half tempted to drop what I'm doing and check out the action, but I don't have the time."

"What are you doing?" Sean asked.

"We're making some tools so that we can work on your car. What does it look like we're doing?" Chom asked.

"It looks like you're making a mess," Sean said.

Chom said, "Your mother said the same thing."

"It must be a genetic thing," Sean said.

"Undoubtedly," Chom said.

Sean looked over at the slightly lopsided building and said, "It doesn't look very sturdy."

Chom shook his head and said, "It is a rush job."

"Why all of this activity all of a sudden?" Sean asked wondering why it was a rush job.

"You told us the car was being delivered Monday morning. You could have given us a little warning. Three days is just not enough time to get ready for a job of this magnitude," Chom answered.

"You've known for three weeks that I was buying the truck," Sean said. Sam had told him that morning that he would be delivering the truck the coming Monday morning.

"That was abstract knowledge. Now, it is definite," Chom answered.

There was a loud explosion and Thur flew out the door of the structure. Upon landing on the ground, Thur jumped up and started patting his beard in order to put out the small flame that had appeared. While it was still smoking, he ran back into the building. Sean asked, "What is Thur doing?"

"He's trying to cure the furnace," Chom answered.

"Is it ill?" Sean asked scratching his head.

"Uh, no," Chom answered.

"Preventive medicine, huh?" Sean said.

"Uh, yeah," Chom answered looking over at Sean with a confused expression on his face.

"That makes sense. We'd hate for a furnace to get a cold," Sean said.

Chom nodded his agreement and said, "There's nothing more useless than a cold furnace."

"What do you need a furnace for?"

Chom answered, "We need to melt some metal to make our tools. You can't work metal without tools."

"I didn't realize that," Sean said.

Sean's father stepped out the backdoor of the garage with a puzzled expression on his face. Looking over at Sean, he asked, "You wouldn't happen to know what happened to all of the test equipment that was in the garage?"

"No. What happened?" Sean asked.

"Everything is gone," his father answered.

"Gone?" Sean asked. "That stuff weighed a ton."

"There was a lot of metal in that old equipment," his father said shaking his head.

Trying to look innocent, Chom put his hands behind his back and rocked back and forth on his heels. He whistled for a second or two before he said, "Uh, I better get back to work."



-------

Chapter 27


Sean stepped out of the front door to wait for Sam to arrive. His excitement made waiting difficult. Sam was finally delivering the truck and Sean had grand plans of taking Suzie out for a drive in it. Spotting Chom and the other Dwarves standing around, he asked, "What's up?"

"Nothing," Chom said looking up at Sean with an expression on his face that was just a little too innocent. The other Dwarves stood around nonchalantly looking into the air with their hands behind their backs.

Considering that the clanging, banging, and yelling from the workshop had stopped earlier that morning, Sean asked, "Did you finish what you were doing in the workshop?"

"Well, we've got some crude tools built. We've banged together a small anvil, hammers of various sizes, and tongs," Pip answered.

"Don't forget about the vises, devices, and advices," Thur said.

"What's an advice?" Sean asked.

Pip answered, "The best advice I know is to watch where you're stepping when you're walking in a barnyard."

All of the Dwarves broke out into laughter. Some were laughing so hard that they fell to the ground and rolled around. Slapping his thigh, Thur said, "They always fall for that one."

Holding her side, Clea said, "I love that joke."

"Me, too," Grum said.

Liam rolled his eyes and said, "Blacksmiths think they have a good sense of humor."

"We all know that cobblers have the best sense of humor," Agar said.

Sean was too interested in the truck that turned into the driveway to follow up with additional questions. Waiting three weeks for the truck had been a lot harder than he had thought it would be. Excited, he shouted, "Here it is."

"It is about time," Chom said rubbing his hands together.

Sam pulled up in the truck and got out while Sean stood near the door. He looked at the Dwarves all lined up eyeing the truck. He was reminded of runners waiting at the starting line of a big race. Handing the keys to Sean, Sam said, "I guess the truck is now yours."

"My own set of car keys," Sean said looking down at the keys in his hands.

Noticing that as soon as he had handed over the keys that the Dwarves had charged across the short distance to the truck, Sam said, "It is in good mechanical shape. I don't think you'll have any problems with it for a long time."

"That's great," Sean said. "I now own my own truck. I can't wait to drive it."

"That's good because I could use a ride home," Sam said with a smile.

"Let me get my driver's license and I'll give you a ride," Sean said. He noticed the Dwarves climbing all over the truck, but didn't give it much thought.

"Okay," Sam said.

"Why don't you come in the house for a minute?" Sean said opening the door.

"That would be nice," Sam said following Sean into the house. He stood by the door looking around at the décor of the living room. It was a much nicer house than he expected based on the reputation of the family as a bunch of oddballs.

Lily, seated upon the couch watching cartoons, looked over at Sam and said, "Hello, Sam."

"Hello, Lily," Sam said.

Lily asked, "Did you bring the truck?"

"Yes, I did," Sam said.

"Sean was so excited that it only took me five minutes to wake him up this morning," Lily said.

"Only five minutes? How long does it usually take you to wake him?" Sam asked.

"Half a day," Lily answered.

Sam frowned while thinking about all of the early morning visits Sean made to the store and said, "It seems to me that he's up pretty early. He has staggered into the store before sunrise on some occasions."

"Didn't you know that by the time the sun rises that the day is half over?" Lily asked.

Sam answered, "No, I didn't."

"It is," Lily said as if stating a well known fact. She pointed to the cartoon playing on the television and asked, "Are you familiar with this cartoon?"

"Yes, it is one of my favorites. I've always liked the cat," Sam said.

"I like the mouse. It is smarter than the cat," Lily said.

In that condescending voice that adults often use around precocious children, Sam said, "I guess you like the mouse because you're smart like the mouse."

"That's right," Lily said with a sweet smile. Someone talking to her in that tone of voice irritated her. She said, "I wonder what liking the cat says about you."

"I don't know," Sam said frowning at her.

"Why am I not surprised by that answer?" Lily asked in a bored voice while turning back to the television.

Sean returned and said, "I've got my wallet. We can go now."

"Great. I've got a lot of packing to do before leaving for school tomorrow," Sam said. Looking over at Lily, he said, "Goodbye, Lily."

"Goodbye, Sam," Lily said.

Sean opened the door and stepped out with Sam leading the way. They both stopped a few steps from the door. Sean asked, "Where's the truck?"

"I don't know," Sam answered with a frown.

Holding up the keys, Sean asked, "Is this the only set of keys?"

"Yes," Sam answered. Looking around the empty driveway, he asked, "Where are the Dwarves?"

"Uh oh," Sean answered. He ran to the backyard as fast as he could with Sam close behind him.

If it wasn't for all of the truck parts scattered across the entire lawn, Sean would never have known that there had been a white truck anywhere within miles of the place. The frame had been taken apart along the welds. Even the paint had been removed from the metal. A hubcap was hanging off the head of the Gnome who hadn't moved since the day he had arrived. Sean stared in shock at the mess.

Chom was standing in the middle of the yard holding up a cam shaft. He asked, "Does anyone know what this is?"

"No, but I'm sure that we can straighten it out in no time," Pip said.

Sean squawked, "What happened to my truck?"

Stroking her long thin beard, Clea answered, "It was in real bad shape. It is going to take a long time, maybe months, to fix all of the problems."

Tugging on his beard, Pip said, "Maybe years."

Nodding his head in agreement, Thur said, "Years and years, maybe longer."

"I was thinking the same thing," Chom said.

"Years?" Sean asked in a state of shock.

Liam was holding up a small piece of the seat cover. He said, "Look at this. It isn't even real leather."

"Horrible," Agar said shaking his head in dismay.

"It can't take years," Sean said.

"That's where you are wrong. It could take forever," Chom said.

"And a day," Pip added. He looked down at the section of tailpipe in his hand and shook his head. He said, "It is going to take ages to straighten this out."

Sean said, "It only took you three minutes to take it apart."

"That's the easy part," Chom said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"The hard part is figuring out what to do with all of the parts that are left over when you try to put it back together," Pip said.

"Sometimes you run out of parts. That really slows you down," Clea said. A couple of the Dwarves nodded their heads in agreement.

"Nothing is worse than trying to figure out what parts had been left out when they made it the first time," Thur said.

"That's definitely hard to do," Grum said.

Wiping his forehead, Sean said, "I need to take Sam home."

"No need to do that," Chom said dismissively.

Pip said, "He can stay here until we get it put back together."

"No he can't," Sean said.

Chom snorted and said, "That's rather rude."

"That's no way to treat a guest," Pip said.

"You can say that again," Clea said.

"If you insist," Pip said bowing to Clea. He repeated, "That's no way to treat a guest."

Sean rolled his eyes and said, "I'm not being rude. He has to get back to school."

"That's true. I do need to leave," Sam said. He couldn't imagine living in the same house with Sean. He'd be checking into the hospital within two days.

"Oh," Chom said.

"That's different," Pip said.

Thur said, "There for a minute I was worried that you had lost your manners."

"So put the truck back together," Sean said.

Chom said, "That's not possible."

"Impossible, absolutely impossible," Pip said.

"I need it now," Sean said.

"Well, we could get it done in a year," Thur said thoughtfully scratching his chin.

"Only if we were properly motivated," Grum said.

"You know, we could possibly get it done in half a year if we were really motivated," Pip said looking around at the other Dwarves and the two Leprechauns to see if they agreed.

"A month if the motivation level was really high," Crom said pulling on his beard.

Sean raised an eyebrow and asked, "What kind of motivation are we talking about?"

"Let's say another one of those big bottles of soda each," Grum said.

Agar nudged Grum and said, "You were supposed to say two bottles, not one."

"Oh, sorry," Grum said. He looked at Agar and said, "I thought you said that we were going to settle for one bottle each to get it done it four weeks."

"You don't start with the end when negotiating. You have to start with the beginning where you ask for more than what they are willing to pay," Agar said shaking his head.

Grum said, "I keep forgetting that."

Liam looked over at Sean and said, "Never let a Dwarf negotiate a deal when you have a Leprechaun around to do it."

"I'll keep that in mind," Sean said.

Sam said, "Maybe you could negotiate on Sean's behalf."

Liam said, "I could do that."

"Do it," Sean said desperate to get his truck rebuilt.

"When do you want it?" Liam asked.

"I need the truck now," Sean said.

Liam shook his head and said, "That's not any good. You have to tell me the latest that you can accept having the truck fixed and how much you're willing to pay. I'll negotiate something between now and then for an amount between nothing and that."

Sean said, "I need the truck now."

"That doesn't leave me much room for negotiations. How about a year from now?" Liam asked.

Shaking his head, Sam said, "They already offered to have it fixed in a month for one bottle."

"Oh, right," Liam said.

"School starts in three weeks. I bought the truck so I could take it to school," Sean said.

"That establishes the maximum time you'll accept. So how much are you willing to pay?" Liam asked.

"One bottle," Sean answered.

"You just keep limiting my options. You're going to have to be a little more generous than that,"

Liam said.

"They said that they would do it for one soda. I already bought that soda," Sean said.

Liam grinned and said, "Aha! I can use that when I'm negotiating with them."

Sam leaned in and said, "A two-liter bottle each would run you about fifteen dollars. Five each would cost about seventy-five dollars."

"Ah, now we are getting someplace," Liam said.

Sean replied, "The problem is that we aren't getting there in my truck."

"Ha, ha. That is very good," Liam said.

"I wasn't joking," Sean said.

Liam said, "Now we have to decide the third negotiating point and I can begin."

"What point?" Sean asked suspiciously.

"You can have it better than new and fast, but it will cost you. You can have it cost a little and fast, but the quality will suffer. You can have it low cost and high quality, but it will take longer to accomplish," Liam said.

"I want it as good as they can make it and fast," Sean replied.

"That will cost you," Liam said.

"I need my truck now," Sean said.

"Okay," Liam said.

Sam said, "Maybe I better call a cab."

"Hold on, this won't take all day. They took the car apart in three minutes. I'm pretty sure that they can get it put back together in five," Sean said. There was more than a little hope in his voice.

Liam walked over to where the Dwarves were standing around and announced, "I am here to negotiate on behalf of Sean."

Holding his head in his hands, Chom said, "We're doomed."

Agar stepped forward and said, "I'll negotiate on behalf of the Dwarves."

Clea said, "With Agar negotiating for us, we won't end up paying to fix the truck."

"I was worried there for a minute," Pip said wiping his brow.

Liam said, "You will deliver the truck in better than new condition today for free."

"This isn't looking good," Chom said.

Agar clutched his heart, let loose with a wail, and dropped to the ground. After laying there for a minute, he stood up, looked at Liam, and then said, "You kill me with that offer. We counter with delivering the truck in a month in running condition for twenty sodas each."

Pip said, "Did you see how well he played at dying? He's a great negotiator."

"Truly great," Chom said nodding his head in agreement.

Liam put his hands over his heart, staggered around a little, and then dropped to the ground.

He moaned and then laid still. After a minute, he rose and said, "Tomorrow in better than new condition for free."

"Did you notice that little stagger?" Grum asked.

"Truly artful it was," Clea said.

"We are doomed," Pip said.

Agar put his hands over his heart, staggered around a little, dropped to the ground, and then stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth. After a minute, he rose and said, "Running condition in a month for ten sodas each."

While Liam staggered around with his hand over his heart and wailed as if getting cut with a thousand knives, Sam said, "I think that it is going to take them a week just to do the negotiations."

"I think you're right," Sean said watching the horrible acting taking place in front of him. Liam was still staggering around and hadn't dropped to the ground yet.

"I guess I'll call a cab," Sam said.

Sean shook his head and said, "Let me see if I can borrow my mother's car."

"Okay," Sam said watching Liam going into death spasms.

Sean returned from dropping Sam off an hour later. He went around to the backyard to see how the negotiations were progressing. It didn't look good. Tired of standing, he sat down next to the Gnome. He asked, "How is it going?"

"The action is so fast and furious that I fear my heart may explode. I'm not used to so much excitement," Sid answered.

"It is that exciting, huh?" Sean said watching Liam clutch his stomach and stagger around as if poisoned.

"It definitely isn't as tranquil as watching grass growing," Sid said.

"That's true," Sean said. He lifted the hubcap off Sid's head.

"They are both fearsome negotiators," Sid said.

"Bad actors the world over will be happy to learn that a second career awaits them," Sean said.

"Did you see that little side slip stagger?" Sid asked.

"I missed it," Sean said.

"It was truly magnificent," Sid said. He almost worked up the energy to smile, but that was just too much work.

"My poor beautiful truck," Sean said shaking his head. He never expected to see it in one piece again.

Sid said, "I saw the truck when they carried it here. I wouldn't describe it as beautiful."

"It was my first truck and I paid for it with my own money," Sean said. He looked over and saw Liam lying on the ground in convulsions. It seemed to him that each round of negotiation was taking longer than the one before it.

"That was your first mistake," Sid said.

"What?" Sean asked.

"You paid for it with your own money. You should have used someone else's money," Sid said.

"Why?" Sean asked.

"Because they would be the one with a problem now," Sid said.

"I didn't think of that," Sean said.

Sid said, "Standing around watching grass grow gives you plenty of time to think of things like that."

Liam stood up and said, "Five days in better than new running condition for free."

While Agar ran around in circles holding his head, Sean said, "An hour ago he was asking for three days."

"Things are progressing quite well," Sid said.

Sean watched Agar flip and hit the ground with his neck at a strange angle. Shaking his head, he said, "I'm going to speed things up a bit."

"How?" Sid asked.

Sean stood up and walked over to the Leprechauns. Liam saw him approach and frantically shook his head while trying to wave Sean off. Sean said, "I need to talk to you."

Liam said, "Go away. I'm negotiating on your behalf. It is really bad form when one of the principles gets involved."

Agar snorted and said, "Amateur!"

"His side is caving in already," Chom said nudging Pip in the side with an elbow.

"He crumbled."

"He's running off with his tail between his legs."

"What tail?"

"Don't be so literal."

Sean scratched his chin and said, "Oh, I just remembered something that was important."

"What?" Liam said getting irritated.

Sean looked around the yard and said, "Look at the yard."

"What about it?" Liam asked.

"Yes. What about it?" Agar asked feeling that he was on the verge of victory.

"It is full of truck parts," Sean said gesturing to all of the parts scattered around the yard.

Pip nudged Chom and said, "You know they are about to lose when they start stating the obvious."

"We're going to get a dozen sodas each," Chom said with glee.

Getting excited, Clea said, "Maybe more."

The Dwarves started strutting around and congratulating each other on their choice of negotiator. There was lots of back slapping and high fives given out. Agar turned around to the Dwarves and gave them a thumbs-up gesture.

"So?" Liam asked.

Sean said, "We won't be able to park any cars back here."

"That's true. So what?" Agar said.

Sean said, "That means no play Saturday night and no play means no popcorn or sodas."

"No play?"

"No popcorn?"

"No sodas?"

"This is a disaster."

"I told you we shouldn't have gone with a Leprechaun."

"No you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"What are we going to do?" Chom asked. All of the Dwarves dropped to ground on their butts.

As one, they all looked over at Agar for guidance.

"This is bad," Agar muttered.

Liam pointed a finger in the air and said, "By Saturday morning in better than new condition for one soda."

Agar turned back to the Dwarves and asked, "Well?"

Depressed, Chom said, "At least we're getting a soda out of it."

"That's true," Pip said shaking his head sadly.

Thur said, "We'll take it."

Agar said, "It is agreed. We'll deliver the truck by Saturday morning in better than new condition for one soda."

Liam smiled up at Sean and said, "They've accepted the deal."

"Excellent. Remind them that I already paid them their soda," Sean said.

Chom fell back and cried. Pip said, "I forgot all about that in the excitement."

"It just doesn't pay to be greedy."

"I could have told you that."

"Why didn't you?"

"I didn't think of it."

"I was so looking forward to another soda."

Liam scratched his head and then said, "I think I just negotiated myself out of a soda."



-------

Chapter 28


Sean's mother held out the phone to Sean and said, "Your boss is calling."

"I wonder what he wants," Sean said walking over to his mother. He had been getting ready to leave for work.

"You might ask him rather than me," his mother answered.

"Why didn't I think of that?" Sean asked.

"I don't have a clue," his mother answered.

"Should I hang up and then call him to find out what he wanted?" Sean asked taking the phone from his mother.

"Sure," she answered with a smile.

Sean held the phone up to his ear and said, "Hello, Mr. Catchums."

"Sean, could you work this evening?" Mr. Catchums asked.

"This evening?" Sean asked.

"I've hired a couple of new people and I want to train them during the quiet time. I won't need you until four," Mr. Catchums said.

Sean said, "I'll be happy to train them. I've even been working on some great sales scripts for others to use."

"That's okay," Mr. Catchums said after a long pause. He quickly added, "I'd rather do it myself."

Sean said, "Are you sure? I would love to be put in charge of corporate training."

"I'm positive," Mr. Catchums said. He mumbled, "Note to self — do not put Sean in charge of training new people."

"If you're sure," Sean said sounding a little disappointed.

Mr. Catchums said, "I'd really appreciate it if you'd come in tonight."

"I guess I could come in," Sean said.

"I hope that this doesn't ruin any of your plans for the evening," Mr. Catchums said.

"I'll have to cancel my date with Suzie," Sean said with a frown.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but I really need you tonight," Mr. Catchums said.

"That's okay. I'll be there," Sean said wondering how he was going to break the news to Suzie.

"Great! I'll see you at four," Mr. Catchums said. He hung up before having to exchange more words with Sean.

After he hung up the phone, his mother asked, "What did he want?"

"He wants me to work tonight instead of this morning," Sean said.

Indignant, his mother said, "Friday night is date night. Doesn't he know that?"

"I guess not," Sean said.

"You better hustle your bustle down to the store and get some candy for Suzie before you break the bad news to her," his mother said.

"I have a bustle?" Sean asked.

"You bet," his mother said.

"Wow, I never knew that," Sean said.

"You had better go now," his mother said.

"Okay," Sean said not trusting his mother's insistence that he leave. It wasn't that he was of a suspicious nature, but that he was naturally suspicious.

Stepping outside, Sean ran into Chom. The Dwarf was walking around in a circle while holding his head in his hands. Chom moaned and said, "Oh the pressure!"

"What pressure?" Sean asked.

"Deadlines! I can't stand deadlines," Chom said throwing his arms up in the air.

Looking at all of the parts scattered around the yard, Sean said, "You haven't done anything."

"There's plenty of time," Chom said dismissively.

"I thought you were worried about the deadline," Sean said.

"I am. I hate them," Chom said.

Looking up at Sean, Pip asked, "You wouldn't be interested in changing the deadline, would you?"

"Let's see ... If I change the deadline, then there will be no movie, no popcorn, and no sodas tomorrow night," Sean said rubbing the back of his head.

"I keep forgetting that," Pip said stamping his foot on the ground.

Sean said, "I've got to get to the store."

"Going to buy us some sodas?" Chom asked hopefully.

"Not until after I get my truck," Sean answered.

"Are you sure you aren't a Leprechaun?" Pip asked.

"Positive," Sean answered.

"You negotiate like one," Pip said.

"Not quite," Liam said.

"He needs to learn how to act properly when negotiating. No wailing, no moaning, and no falling on the ground; it is embarrassing," Agar said.

"You can say that again," Pip said.

"No sodas until I get my truck," Sean said.

"I would really like a soda right now," Chom said sadly.

"We're going to have to find another source for soda," Pip said.

Twenty minutes later, Sean entered the convenience store and looked over at Sam's replacement. The middle-aged woman looked familiar, but he couldn't place her immediately.

He went to the shelf that held the candies. He looked over the entire selection before picking the simple box of chocolate covered cherries. He had been hoping for one of those assortments of chocolate candies that were common around Valentine's Day, but there wasn't one.

Taking the box of chocolate covered cherries to the counter, he leaned over and read the name on the name badge worn by the woman behind the counter. It only had her first name — Betty.

He wasn't particularly subtle about where he was looking.

Irritated at him, Betty asked, "Are you enjoying the view?"

"What view, Betty?" Sean asked looking at her face.

"You were checking out my breasts, pervert," Betty answered.

"Really?" Sean asked with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Your eyes were glued to them," Betty said caustically.

Scratching the back of his neck, Sean said, "I thought I was reading your nametag."

Betty looked down and remembered the nametag. She said, "Oh."

"Sam worked here for a month or more before I learned his name. I thought that I wouldn't make the same mistake again," Sean said setting the box of chocolates on the counter.

"It really looked like you were checking out my breasts," Betty said feeling a little embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," Sean said. He smiled and said, "If it makes you feel any better, my Mom says that all boys my age are perverts."

"She's probably right," Betty said thinking that a more accurate statement would be that all men are perverts, but she didn't say anything to that effect. She smiled at Sean and said, "It is nice to meet you."

"It is nice to meet you. I'm Sean Connery Michaels."

"You're him," Betty said looking at Sean with an odd expression on her face. She'd heard a lot of stories about a young man who frequented the store and sowed confusion with each visit.

"Maybe," Sean replied. He stared off into space for a moment while thoughtfully stroking his chin and then said, "Let's see. First I'm sorry, then I'm Sean Connery Michaels, and then I'm him. I wonder who I'll be next."

"Huh?"

"Never mind, I'm just having an existential crisis," Sean answered with a smile.

"Oh," Betty said. She looked down at the box of chocolates and said, "I guess I better ring you up."

"I've never been rung up before," Sean said. He flashed a grin and asked, "Will it hurt?"

"Pardon?"

"You said that you were going to ring me up. I just wanted to know if it will hurt," Sean answered.

Betty frowned and said, "I meant that I was going to ring up the box of chocolates."

"That's much better although ringing a bell probably makes more sense. At least ringing a box of chocolates won't hurt me," Sean said. It dawned on him that she could have been making reference to calling him on the telephone.

"Huh?" Betty said.

Shaking his head, Sean said, "Never mind."

"Chocolate covered cherries?"

"Yeah, they were the closest to a box of chocolates that I could find here," Sean said.

"Who are they for?" Betty asked.

"My girlfriend," Sean said. He looked away for a second and said, "I have some bad news to tell her."

"Take flowers," Betty said pointing to some flowers sitting in a small bucket.

Sean looked at the flowers for a moment and then asked, "When did you start carrying flowers?"

"I grow them," Betty said. She had taken the job thinking that she'd be able to make a little extra money selling her flowers in the store.

Sean said, "Ah! You're the plant lady. I thought you looked familiar."

Betty rolled her eyes at the all too common characterization of her as the plant lady. She said,

"Yes, I'm the plant lady."

"If you had been bent over and facing the other way, I would have recognized you right away,"

Sean said.

"Bent over and facing the other way?"

Nodding his head, Sean said, "Every time I've ever seen you, you've been outside working on the flowers. All I could see of you was your butt."

"My butt?"

"Yes. It is probably the most recognized butt in the county," Sean said.

"Oh," Betty said with a frown.

Seeing that she looked upset, Sean said, "Don't feel bad. You have a nice butt."

Shoulders sagging, Betty said, "That'll be $4.65."

"Let me add some flowers to that," Sean said walking over to the bucket of flowers.

"Okay," Betty said thinking that she'd never be able to work in her garden again.

Max entered the store while Sean was picking out a bouquet of flowers. Looking over at Sean, he asked, "What are you doing?"

"Buying flowers for Suzie," Sean answered.

"I wonder if Clea would like some," Max said looking at the bucket of flowers.

Betty said, "I've never met a woman that didn't like getting flowers from a young man."

"Oh," Max said biting his lower lip. He had been about to comment that Clea wasn't your typical woman.

Sean stood up with a bouquet of flowers. He said, "Hey, Max. Have you met the plant lady?"

Max shook his head and answered, "Nope. She's got a fine butt though."

"That's true," Sean said.

"Sometimes you drive past and there's her butt poking up above the plants. It's hard to say what looks nicer — her butt or that garden," Max said holding out his hands like he was holding a woman's bottom.

Betty covered her face with both of the hands and shook her head. She had gotten used to being called the plant lady. She didn't know if she'd ever live down being known for her butt.

"This is Betty. She's the plant lady," Sean said gesturing over to the red faced woman behind the counter.

"Nice to meet you," Max said glancing in her direction. Leaning over the Sean, he said, "I wouldn't have recognized her without you introducing her to me."

Putting the bouquet of flowers on the counter, Sean asked, "So what is with you and Clea?"

"Outside of you, no one else would talk to me after I got out of the hospital. One day she and I just started talking. Well, one thing led to another and... ," Max answered.

"You ended up chasing her naked through the woods," Sean said.

"Yes," Max said feeling a little embarrassed about hearing it phrased that way.

"It brought a smile to Mom's face," Sean said cheerfully.

"Oh, God," Max said.

"She said it was nice to see you smiling," Sean added.

"She's going to tell my mother and I'll end up back at the hospital," Max said.

Sean shook his head and said, "I wouldn't worry about that. She's too busy chasing the Leprechauns."

Betty asked, "Leprechauns?"

"Clea did mention something about your mother spending all of her time chasing Liam and Agar. She said that no one has been that persistent in centuries," Max said.

"You know how Mom is," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

Max said, "Yeah. Once she's got something on her mind, she doesn't give up."

Betty couldn't help but listen to the conversation. Feeling a little uneasy about what she was about to admit, she said, "I've got Fairies in my garden."

Sean looked over at her and said, "So does everyone else."

"We don't. We don't have any flowers in our yard. Mom has a brown thumb and couldn't grow a flower if her life depended on it. Dad just hates gardening," Max said.

"The Fairies like flowers," Sean said.

Max said, "I guess that's the reason I haven't seen a Fairy yet."

"That's a shame. They're real cute," Sean said.

Max said, "We've got something around our house. Something or someone has been busy cleaning. Every morning something has been cleaned around the house."

"Those are the Brownies," Sean said.

"You told me that they only clean after watching people having sex," Max said.

"That's right," Sean said.

"Brownies?" Betty asked with a frown. She had been a little disappointed that they hadn't made a big deal out of her statement about Fairies.

"Well, it can't be Brownies because my parents don't do that. Mom and Dad don't even kiss. For all I know, my mother is still a virgin," Max said thinking that his parents were too lazy to have sex. His father came home from work and slept all evening on the couch. His mother took naps all afternoon.

Sean raised an eyebrow and said, "I wasn't aware of any immaculate conceptions going on lately."

"Okay, they did it once," Max said.

"Right," Sean said deciding that further discussion would only end up in a fight that he'd probably lose. He looked over at Betty and asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"$9.90," she answered.

Max said, "I might as well buy some flowers. Clea might like them. I think she has been avoiding me."

Sean handed Betty a ten. He turned to Max and said, "If you're looking for Clea, she is over at my house working on my truck or at least she's supposed to be working on my truck."

"You got a truck?" Max asked.

"Kind of. The Dwarves took it apart and now it is spread across the entire back yard," Sean answered. So far, the Dwarves had done nothing except stand around and stare at the parts strewn about the yard. They didn't have much time to finish it.

"Dwarves?" Betty asked.

"Why would they do that?" Max asked.

"They promised to fix the body for a soda each," Sean answered.

"When will they be done?" Max asked.

Sean said, "They promised to have it done by tomorrow morning, but they haven't done a lick of work on it."

"Oh," Max said.

Betty handed Sean his change and said, "Here you go."

"Thanks, Betty," Sean said absently.

"There will be a movie tomorrow night, won't there?" Max asked.

"I doubt it. We can't park the cars in the back until the Dwarves finish fixing the truck," Sean said.

Carrying a bouquet of flowers over to the counter, Max said, "I've kind of enjoyed watching the films with Clea."

"I'll call and let you know if we show a film," Sean said picking up his purchases.

"Thanks," Max said.

Sean left the convenience store and headed towards Suzie's house. He wondered how she was going to take the news that it was highly unlikely that the truck would be finished tomorrow. It seemed to him that the pair of them had not had a moment alone since the afternoon his mother had been arrested.

He knocked on the backdoor and waited until Suzie's mom opened the door. Looking over at him, she said, "Look at what the cat dragged in."

"It is nice to see you, Mrs. Emery," Sean said.

"Ah, I see you brought flowers and candy," Mrs. Emery said.

"Your powers of observation are as excellent as usual," Sean said.

Mrs. Emery asked, "Are they for me?"

"Uh, no," Sean answered. He hadn't thought to buy her flowers.

Mrs. Emery assumed an expression of great concentration for a few seconds before she asked,

"Are they for Mr. Emery?"

"No," Sean answered.

"I wonder who they might be for," Mrs. Emery said.

"Suzie," Sean suggested.

"Oh my! A young man showing up at the house with flowers and candy for my daughter does not bode well for her virginity," Mrs. Emery said tapping her lower lip with a finger. She added,

"That's real tricky -- bringing flowers to deflower the naïve pure virgin."

"Uh," Sean said rather flustered by the sudden shift in topic.

"I wonder what I should do about it," Mrs. Emery said ignoring Sean's stammer.

"Um, nothing," Sean stuttered.

"Perhaps I should call my husband and ask for his advice," Mrs. Emery mused aloud.

Sean found his voice very quickly and said, "There's no need to do that."

Mrs. Emery said, "Perhaps you are right. Why don't you go in and give my emotionally vulnerable daughter her candy and flowers? I'm sure that with your silver tongue you'll have her naked in no time."

"Uh," Sean said.

"The real pity is that I won't be here to protect her virtue. I guess that she'll have to do that all by herself," Mrs. Emery said shaking her head.

"What?" Sean asked.

"There is a Leprechaun to catch," Mrs. Emery said with a grin.

"Oh," Sean said thinking that he needed to work on his conversation skills.

Mrs. Emery leaned back and shouted, "Suzie! Come out to the kitchen for a minute."

"I'm doing my toes," Suzie yelled back from her bedroom.

"Come out here now," Mrs. Emery shouted.

"Okay," Suzie yelled back in a tone of voice intended to let her mother know that she wasn't happy about being interrupted.

Mrs. Emery started laughing. She pushed him in the kitchen and stepped out the door. Starting to hold her sides, she said, "I'll see you later."

"Okay," Sean said wondering why she was laughing like that. Even after she shut the door behind her he could hear her laughing. Frowning, he said, "That laugher really sounds evil."

He turned around just in time to see Suzie enter the kitchen. He jumped when she screamed upon seeing him standing there looking at her. He nearly screamed when he saw her hair up in rollers, the moisturizing cream spread all over her face, big wads of cotton between her toes, and the nasty old pink bathrobe she was wearing. She was holding her fingers stiffly out in front of her. She shouted, "You're not supposed to be here!"

Holding up the flowers and box of candies, Sean said, "I brought these for you."

He was talking to her back since she had already fled the kitchen. Echoing down the hall was her scream, "I'm going to kill my mother!"

Sean put the flowers and the box of candy on the kitchen table. Scratching his cheek, Sean said,

"That was interesting. I wonder what I'm supposed to do now."



-------

Chapter 29


Sean lay on the floor looking up at the very beautiful and completely naked Suzie. She was seated astride his chest with her breasts lowered to his mouth. He had no idea how he had gotten there. There had been a short little walk from the kitchen, a couple of kisses, and then he was suddenly on the floor naked. Of course, he didn't really care how he had gotten there.

He was at heaven and just minutes from entering the pearly gates. Every part of his body was in perfect working condition except his mouth. Random sounds emerged from his mouth periodically, "Ik lik kak."

Suzie wasn't exactly sure of what he was saying and she didn't really care. It had been Sean's idea to see if he could use his magic to drive her wild. He had commanded some small pieces of silk to arouse her. They were floating around exciting her body with exquisite teasing touches. This had the consequence of putting her brain in a rather stupid state nearly equal to that held by Sean. She answered the best that she could, "Big badda big."

"Big badda big dig," Sean said lifting his head up to suck on her breast. In just a few minutes they were going to be doing it. His whole body shivered in anticipation.

Their conversation, however witty it might have been, was immediately cutoff when the backdoor slammed open. There was the sound of a low growl and then the noise of the door getting slammed closed. They both jumped and looked at the entrance to the living room with terrified expressions on their faces. Sean had images of butcher knives being used on his most treasured possession; which at the time was only too easily accessible for destruction.

Mrs. Emery marched into the living room grumbling, "When I catch that Leprechaun, he's going to pay me with his blood."

Sean was the first to see Mrs. Emery. His brain wasn't functioning well enough to even look for something with which to cover himself. He stared in shock at the woman. It didn't take Suzie long to scramble off of Sean leaving him looking up at Mrs. Emery from the floor completely exposed to her view.

Mrs. Emery was covered from head to toe with thick black mud. Sean had no idea where they even had dirt that black. The only clear spot was around her eyes. The mud was even in her hair. There were little muddy footprints on the floor where she had walked.

Suzie took one look at her mother and completely forgot the compromising position in which she had been caught. Shocked, she asked, "Wha..."

Glowering, Mrs. Emery held up a mud covered hand. She stood there with for a moment before she said in a tight voice, "Don't ask."

"But..."

"Don't ask," Mrs. Emery growled. She was still holding up a hand.

With both hands covering his private parts, Sean was frozen in place. He was sure that he was about to die and there was nothing he could do to save himself from the obviously angry woman. It was with more than a little relief that he watched Mrs. Emery stiffly turn and walk down the hallway. Even her back was covered with mud. There was a hand print on her bottom.

Based on the size, it looked like Liam had slapped her on the ass.

Sean whispered, "Leprechauns."

"Yeah," Suzie said.

Sean whispered, "Someone was having fun."

"It sure wasn't my mother," Suzie whispered back.

Sean looked over at Suzie taking in her naked body. She was so close and yet so far. Pleased to have survived this long, he said, "I think we should probably get dressed."

"You're probably right," Suzie said. She jumped upon hearing the bedroom door slam shut down the hallway.

"She's going to kill us when she gets back here," Sean said. He still hadn't moved from where he was lying.

Suzy wasn't paying too much attention to what Sean was saying. The little squares of silk were still floating around trying to excite Suzie. Two of them had just settled over her breasts and were lightly teasing her nipples. Simultaneously two of the cloths started running up and down her thighs; creating sensations that she didn't think were possible. She gave a little shiver and said, "You might want to call off the sex toys."

"Oh, sorry," Sean said giving the command to return the cloths to their normal state.

"Is there any way you can leave them here for later?" Suzie asked immediately missing their touch. She watched them flutter to the floor.

"I don't know," Sean said thinking about it. He wondered if he could actually command something to accept commands from someone else.

Suzie got up and searched the room for her panties. After a few minutes of frantic searching, she gave up and pulled her skirt on. She did manage to find her bra and blouse at the other end of the room. Sean managed to get dressed without much difficulty despite being distracted by the sight of Suzie getting dressed.

Fascinated by the sight of Suzie putting on her bra, Sean asked, "Should I go?"

"That might be a good idea," Suzie said hearing the sounds of the shower in use. Much to Sean's disappointment she finished buttoning up her blouse.

"I'm staying here," Sean said thinking that he didn't want Suzie to get in trouble without him there to take some of the blame.

"Thank you," Suzie said. Taking his hand in hers, she led him over to the sofa and took a seat.

Sean looked down the hallway with more than a little dread. Of course, his worries were competing with his curiosity. He said, "I wonder what happened to her."

"She's not going to tell us," Suzie said. This wasn't the first time her mother had come home from chasing the Leprechauns in such a state.

"My mother tends to encourage my curiosity except when it comes to the Leprechauns," Sean commented.

"My mother is the same way," Suzie said shaking her head.

"Do you think she is going to yell at us?" Sean asked worried about what was going to happen next. The sounds of the shower suddenly cut off.

"Probably," Suzie said shifting nervously.

Taking her hand in an attempt to comfort her, Sean said, "That's about what I figured. I'll take the blame."

Looking over at him, she had a feeling that she wouldn't be seeing him until school started.

Thinking about what had caused the sudden rush of desire that had overwhelmed her, she said,

"Thanks for the candy and the flowers."

"You're welcome," Sean said.

She was quiet for a minute and then asked, "Not that I'm complaining, but aren't you supposed to be at work?"

"I came over to tell you that I have to work tonight," Sean said apologetically. He was still wondering how they had ended up on the floor of the living room.

Suzie sighed while thinking about how close she had come to having him and what was likely to happen now. She said, "We probably wouldn't be able to go out tonight anyway after what Mom witnessed."

"Yeah, I think you're right," Sean said. He could just imagine what his mother was going to do to him. He was pretty sure that she would have him cleaning the attic during the hottest times of the day.

After a very long and quiet ten minutes in which the young couple waited anxiously, Mrs. Emery entered the living room wearing her bathrobe. She paused at the chair by the door and picked up a pair of panties. She held them up between her hands so that it was obvious what they were. Looking at them and then at Sean, she said, "I assume these are yours Sean."

"Uh," Sean said starting to sweat. He wanted to say that they weren't his, but his mouth wasn't working. He couldn't take his eyes off of the panties to save his life. It was as if they were the most fascinating things he had ever seen.

"Those are mine," Suzie said. Her cheeks were turning bright red.

"You don't have to cover for him," Mrs. Emery said. She moved the panties back and forth while watching Sean's eyes track their every movement.

"He doesn't wear women's panties," Suzie said defensively.

"Don't be silly. I wasn't accusing him of wearing panties. I know that you gave them to him as a present," Mrs. Emery said twirling them around on a finger. It looked to her like Sean was starting to get dizzy watching them.

"Uh," Suzie said wondering how she was supposed to respond. She hadn't thought of doing that, but now that her mother had mentioned it she felt that it wasn't a bad idea. It would definitely keep Sean thinking about her.

"I wonder what he's going to do with them," Mrs. Emery said with a smile. She looked up at the ceiling and tapped her chin with a finger as if deep in thought.

"Mother!"

"All kinds of nasty ideas come to mind," Mrs. Emery said with a grin. She held the panties up and wiggled them from side to side in a dancing kind of motion.

"There's not a single idea in my mind," Sean said. He was getting dizzy watching the panties. He was afraid that his ears were on fire.

Mrs. Emery said, "Isn't that cute? He can't take his eyes off of these panties."

"Uh, yeah," Suzie said thinking that it might be a good idea to agree with her mother.

Mrs. Emery tossed them to Sean and said, "It is clear to me that she wants you to have them."

"Uh," Sean answered staring at the panties crossed-eyed as they hung off his nose. It seemed to him that that whole world was suddenly moving in slow motion. It felt like it took him hours to reach up and remove the panties. The sharp pain when his hand slammed into his nose made him wonder if he had broken it.

"So are you still a virgin?" Mrs. Emery asked in a nice conversational tone of voice. It almost sounded like she was asking them if they wanted something to drink.

"Yes," Sean answered thankful there was a question that he knew how to answer.

"I was asking Suzie," Mrs. Emery said.

"Oh," Sean answered sinking down into his chair. He looked down at the panties in his hands.

"At this rate, I'm going to be a virgin until I'm thirty," Suzie said feeling more than a little irritated.

Mrs. Emery shook her head and said, "You only have four years and eleven months left on the IUD."

"IUD?" Sean asked looking over at Suzie. He frowned while trying to remember what an IUD was. He asked, "That's a birth control thing, right?"

"Yes," Suzie said. She hadn't quite gotten around to telling him that her mother had rushed her off to the doctor after that first afternoon when Sean had come over for a swim. Once the IUD had been in place, she had been allowed to wear the skimpy bathing suit.

"Wow," Sean said. "All I've got is a box of condoms in my bedroom drawer."

"Let's see. You were here. Suzie was here. Your clothes were strewn all around the room and the condoms are nowhere around here. Have I got that right?" Mrs. Emery said fixing him to his chair with a simple stare.

"Uh, yes," Sean said. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he realized that he hadn't been thinking about the consequences of his actions. He felt about six inches tall. Of course, he still hadn't figured out how he had gone from kissing Suzie to being naked on the floor with her atop him. He remembered kissing her, some hands fumbling around with his belt, the pants dropping, and then landing on his back with her on top of him.

Shaking her head, Mrs. Emery said, "There was a reason your mother and I wouldn't let you two be alone together until after Suzie was developed enough for the IUD."

"Oh," Sean said.

"I just don't like the idea of a young woman taking the pill," Mrs. Emery said in a conversational tone of voice.

"Oh," Sean said. He hadn't ever given the matter much thought. He sat there wondering if he was supposed to be saying something. He looked over at Suzie and saw that she was just sitting there fidgeting nervously.

In a rather cheerful voice, Mrs. Emery asked, "How about the three of us having some grilled cheese sandwiches and soup?"

Taken back by the sudden change in subject, Suzie said, "Okay."

"Uh, are you sure?" Sean asked. He had fully expected to be told to leave and never come back.

"Quite sure. In fact, I insist," Mrs. Emery said with a smile.

"I probably ought to let my mother know that I'll be eating here," Sean said wondering if she was going to get them to relax a little before bringing out the knives.

Walking towards the door of the kitchen, Mrs. Emery muttered, "That poor boy is wound tighter than a thirty day clock. I'm sure that some food and a nice conversation with his girlfriend's mother will help cure that little problem."

Sean returned home feeling lucky to have escaped Suzie's house. Lunch had definitely been an educational experience. He hadn't known that the woman on top was called the cowgirl position. Blinking his eyes in disbelief, he said, "That was a weird lunch. There's nothing to improve the appetite like listening to Mrs. Emery talk about sexual positions from the Kama Sutra and fun places to have sex. I think I need some of the pink stuff to settle my stomach."

He paused to look at the backyard. The truck was still in pieces that were scattered around on the lawn. He sighed figuring that he'd never have a truck that worked. Until he got the truck working, getting alone with Suzie was virtually impossible. Depressed, he asked, "What next?"

He answered his own question, "I wouldn't be surprised if I was invited over for a little man to man chat with Mr. Emery a little later today. At least I won't live long enough to miss my truck."

Sean went into the house. As soon as the door closed behind him, his mother said, "The thumbtacks are on the counter."

"Thumbtacks?" Sean asked looking over at his mother.

"You'll want to mount your trophy on the wall," his mother said with a smile.

"Trophy?" Sean asked trying to figure out what his mother was talking about.

She nodded her head and said, "Those panties you have sticking out of your back pocket."

Looking down at the floor, Sean said, "Oh, God."

"I'd offer to wash them, but that would rather defeat the purpose of having them," his mother said.

"Huh?"

Shaking her head, his mother said, "Never mind."

"Mrs. Emery must have your number on speed dial," Sean said thinking that Mrs. Emery must have called his mother the moment he had stepped out of the house.

"She does."

"I thought so," Sean said.

Grinning, she said, "Mrs. Emery said that she really got an eyeful when she went into the living room. To tell the truth, she wasn't surprised that Suzie was going for the woman on top position. We all know who is in charge of your relationship."

Sean looked up at the ceiling and said, "Lord take me now. I want to die."

"You know, cowgirl is my favorite position. I think your father prefers doggy style though," his mother said. She tapped her pursed lips with the finger nail of her forefinger thoughtfully. After a second, she added, "Yes. That is definitely his favorite position. He's an ass man. Are you an ass man?"

"I don't want to hear this," Sean said trying to cover his ears.

"Now now. Don't be that way," his mother said.

"What way?" Sean asked.

His mother said, "I'm just trying to make you feel a little more comfortable about your emerging sexuality."

"Any more comfortable and I'd be falling asleep," Sean said wishing he could find a quick way to end this discussion. He had already had the birds and bees discussion with his father.

Effectively it was that boys were birds and girls were bees and that bees sting if you aren't careful.

"You might be surprised to learn that you aren't the first generation to discover sex. It is a natural part of growing up. Your father and I do it. Mr. and Mrs. Emery do it. The most uptight couple you'll ever encounter does it. It is everywhere," his mother said looking across the kitchen table.

"I guess," Sean said.

Gesturing to the chair across from her, she said, "Have a seat."

"I'd rather stand. It is easier to start running from a standing position," Sean said eyeing the door to the hall.

"Sit down," she commanded while pointing to the chair.

"Yes, ma'am," Sean said. He knew better than to argue when she used that particular tone of voice when issuing a command. Moving over to the table, Sean took a seat.

"You might believe that Suzie's mother and I have been playing games with you and Suzie," his mother said.

"The thought never crossed my mind," Sean said with a snort.

"We kept you and Suzie apart because we didn't want the two of you to go through the anguish we went through after we started dating our husbands. I would say that we were successful," his mother said.

"You were definitely successful in keeping us apart. I'm not so sure about the anguish part,"

Sean said.

His mother sighed and said, "I had no problems with birth control until your father and I started dating. I don't know, but none of the other men managed to get my motor running to the point where I just lost total control of myself. It was all just so ho-hum."

"Other men?" Sean asked staring at his mother. He couldn't believe that his mother was talking about having had sex with men other than his father.

"With your father, it was so easy to forget that there was supposed to be no playing in the cave without a proper raincoat."

"Playing in the cave? Proper raincoat?" he asked puzzled by her comment. It dawned on him what she meant. Looking sick to his stomach, he groaned, "Oh God!"

Ignoring the outburst, his mother said, "That first time with your father was amazing. I don't even remember how we ended up naked and doing it. All I remember is that I came so hard that my life flashed before my eyes."

"I don't need the details," Sean said waving his hands in front of him.

Ignoring him, she said, "Of course, that high was followed by a low. I spent the rest of the month terrified that I was pregnant. It was the most horrible time of my life. The next month was just as bad. It seemed like we'd get started with kissing and all thoughts of birth control disappeared. We'd be lying there afterwards all hot, sweaty, and sticky before I'd realize that neither one of us had thought of using a rubber."

"Oh," Sean said.

"I'd cry. He'd comfort me. The next thing I knew, we were going at it like bunnies," his mother said.

"No details!" Sean said covering his ears.

"We knew that you and Suzie would be just as bad. One look at the two of you together and it was obvious that your passions would just overwhelm you. She's just like her mother," his mother said.

"She is?"

"Definitely," his mother said.

"In what way?"

"She's a passionate girl," his mother answered.

"Suzie's mother? Passionate?" Sean asked. The word that came to mind when thinking of her mother was 'evil.'

"Suzie's mother and father couldn't keep their hands off of each other. They were caught having sex so many times by her parents that it became a standing joke. I remember one time when we were on a double date. We had stopped by her house to drop her off. Well, the goodnight kiss heated up to the point where pants were dropped and she was ... well, I don't need to go into the details of what she was doing," his mother said.

"Right," Sean said. His mind didn't want to venture into that territory. He was never going to be able to look Mrs. Emery in the eye again.

"You should have seen the expression on her father's face when he opened the front door," his mother said with a laugh. She said, "I wouldn't have seen it except your father had already come."

"Ugh," Sean said with a grimace.

"So what you are going through is nothing special. Well, it is special to you. It just isn't all that unique," his mother said.

"The other kids in school don't talk about things like that happening to them," Sean said.

"Like what?"

Sean said, "Uh, getting caught naked in the living room by their girlfriend's mother."

"They aren't dating a woman like Suzie," his mother said looking at him.

"That's true," Sean said.

"All the other boys are dating stupid women who don't know what they want. Suzie knows exactly what she wants and she's going to get it," his mother said.

"What does she want?" Sean asked.

"You and she's going to get you on her terms," his mother answered with a smile.

"Oh," Sean said.

"So long as you let her set the pace, you won't have a problem. She's protected from having babies so you won't have to worry about that," his mother said.

"Oh," Sean said. He frowned and said, "That won't keep Suzie's father from killing me."

"Don't worry about him. Suzie's mother has him on a short leash," his mother said.

"I never noticed a leash around his neck," Sean said. Mr. Emery was about the scariest man alive.

"Of course not. It isn't around his neck," his mother said waving a hand dismissively.

"Where is it?" Sean asked.

"Where do you think it is?" she asked with a grin.

"Oh," Sean said once he realized what his mother was saying.

His mother smiled across the table at him and said, "It was so nice having this little talk with you."

"Right," Sean said thinking that he was now irreparably damaged for life.

She made a little shooing gesture towards the door and said, "Now grab the thumbtacks and mount your trophy on your bedroom wall."

"I'm not going to mount them on the wall," Sean said.

"Ah. You're going to put them under your pillow," his mother said. She smiled and said, "Your father used to do that. You know, come to think of it ... he still does when he's away on a business trip."

Sean fled the room screaming.



-------

Chapter 30


Lily poked Sean and shouted, "Wake up!"

"No," Sean mumbled thinking it wasn't possible that it was morning already. He was pretty sure that he had just gotten to sleep.

"Time to get out of bed lazy head," Lily said.

"Don't wanna," Sean grumbled. He pulled his pillow over head.

"Whose panties are those?" Lily asked while lifting the pillow from his head.

Sean jumped up and frantically pressed his pillow on the bed while looking around wildly. With the words coming out of his mouth so fast that it was hard to understand what he was saying, he said, "What panties? There aren't any panties here. You must be mistaken. There's nothing here that even closely resembles panties. You must be imagining things. No panties here."

Smiling at him, Lily said, "Mom said that would wake you up."

"She's a sadist," Sean said slapping his forehead remembering that the panties were still in the drawer by his bed. His heart was beating a thousand miles an hour.

Lily skipped out of the room laughing. Sean was about to fall back into the bed when there was a huge crash from the backyard. The crash was followed by the sounds of hammering, shouting, and screams. Looking around, he asked, "What is going on?"

The volume of noise increased dramatically. Sean sat on the edge of his bed and ran his fingers through his hair. After a particularly loud crash, he said, "There's no way to sleep through that."

Sean got up and started dressing. He stumbled out of the bedroom and headed towards the bathroom. Of course the door was closed. With his back to the wall, he slid down to sit across from the door. He moaned while staring at the closed door. He muttered, "Why doesn't she go to the bathroom before waking me up?"

He closed his eyes and listened to the sounds coming out of the backyard. Lily tapped him on the head and said, "Wake up."

"I'm awake," Sean groaned.

"Your eyes were closed," Lily said.

"Why don't you use the bathroom before waking me?" Sean asked. There was a particularly loud series of crashes the whole time he was asking his question.

"What did you say?" Lily asked knowing full well what he had said. It was the same thing he said every morning.

"Never mind," Sean said getting up from the floor. He stumbled into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot. There was a loud boom that rattled the house. Ignoring it, he went over to the toilet and relieved his bladder.

After washing his hands, he went down to the kitchen. The noise down there was even louder than it had been in his room. In order to be heard over the noise, his mother shouted, "Your breakfast is ready."

Sean shouted back, "I'm going out..."

The noise level dropped to nothing. His mother said, "That's better. It was so loud I couldn't hear myself think."

Sean was about to say something when Chom entered the house. The dwarf nonchalantly walked through the kitchen. Sean and his mother watched him walk past them and enter the hallway.

Worried, Sean asked, "Was that Chom?"

"It looked like him," his mother said looking in the direction of the hall.

"I wonder what he's doing," Sean said.

Chom returned to the kitchen and walked past the pair. He stopped beside the kitchen table and picked up the salt shaker. He slipped the salt shaker into his pocket. Without saying a word, Chom went over the kitchen door and opened it. The door closed behind him.

"That was odd," Sean said. As far as he knew, none of the Dwarves had ever been in the house.

"I wonder what he wanted with the salt shaker," his mother said staring at the kitchen door.

"I don't know," Sean said. There was a muffled boom from the backyard.

"You might want to go outside and see what is happening out there," his mother said.

"I'm not sure that I want to do that," Sean said looking over at the back door.

"Why?" his mother asked.

Sean said, "I figure they probably took your car apart."

"They wouldn't dare," his mother said with a sick feeling in her stomach.

"You're probably right," Sean said staring at the door like he expected it to open again.

"Go see what is happening," his mother said.

There was another muffled boom from the backyard. He said, "There are booming noises coming from out there."

"Go out and see what is happening," his mother said.

"I don't want to go out there. I'm liable to get blown up or something," Sean said.

"Go!"

Sean slowly approached the door and opened it. He stuck his head out and looked around. After a few seconds, he said, "Oh."

"Well," his mother asked.

Without answering, Sean stepped outside and closed the door behind him. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. He took a couple of steps forward and stopped to stare at the truck.

"As agreed, we finished the truck Saturday morning in better than new condition," Chom said pointing to the truck.

Pip asked, "What do you think?"

"It is gold," Sean said staring at his truck. It was polished to such a high sheen that it was almost hard to look at.

"That's right. We covered it with gold so that it wouldn't rust. That's much better than the paint that was on there," Clea said.

Unable to take his eyes from the truck, Sean said, "I hate to ask this, but..."

"Then don't ask," Chom interrupted.

"Definitely don't ask the question if you hate asking it," Pip said.

"Good advice," Thur said nodding to the other two Dwarves.

"I thought so," Chom said.

"Do you think he'll follow your advice?" Thur asked.

Chom shook his head and said, "They never do."

"It's true. They never do," Pip said.

"Where did you get the gold?" Sean asked.

"See, I told you," Chom said. He slapped the side of his leg and gestured at Sean with a look of disgust.

"You did," Pip said nodding his head.

"Pity. Such good advice and he wasted it," Thur said.

"Aren't you going to answer my question?" Sean asked.

Turning to Pip, Chom said, "For someone who hates asking questions, he sure does ask a lot of them."

"You're so right," Pip said.

"He's going to run out of questions soon," Grum said.

"He's bound to run out sometime or another," Pip said.

"Will someone answer my question?" Sean asked.

"Which one?" Chom asked not sure which question Sean wanted answered.

"Which one what?" Sean asked confused by Chom's question.

"Huh?" Chom asked.

"What?" Sean asked.

Scratching his head, Pip said, "I've never heard of questions being contagious, but Sean's got Chom asking them now."

"Are we in danger?" Thur asked.

"Danger?" Pip asked looking around to see if there was something bad in the area.

"Are we going to catch it?" Thur asked.

"Catch what?" Chom asked looking around for something to catch.

"Why are you asking each other so many questions?" Clea asked.

Pip pointed at Sean and answered, "He started it and now we caught it."

"Caught what?" Clea asked.

Sean shouted, "Quiet!"

All of the Dwarves turned to look at Sean. Once he was sure that he had their attention, he asked, "Where did you get the gold from?"

"Oh, is that what you wanted to know?" Chom asked.

"Yes," Sean answered.

"From your desk drawer," Chom answered. Shaking his head, he said, "It was a pitiful amount of gold. Hardly worth mentioning, it was. We had to use all of it to cover that truck."

"You used all of my gold?" Sean asked with a frown.

"Was that all of your gold?" Pip asked.

"Yes," Sean said.

"You're going to have to get some more before next summer," Chom said.

"Definitely. You'll need a bunch to get the next gift of magic," Liam said.

"I know," Sean said shaking his head.

Clea said, "So what do you think of the truck?"

"I like it," Sean said. He had to admit that it looked better than new. He said, "I'd like to see how well it runs."

Looking around nervously, Thur said, "We had a few problems with that."

"Problems?" Sean asked in a worried tone of voice.

"Well, it had a whole bunch of parts that it didn't need," Clea said.

"It was missing a few that it did need," Thur said.

"Getting it to run off of water was a real problem. We had to cheat a little," Clea said.

"Cheat?" Sean asked wondering what that meant in terms of getting the truck to run off of water.

Chom shrugged his shoulders and said, "You've got to add a little salt to it."

"It doesn't require too much salt; just a shake or two," Thur said looking a little embarrassed.

Pip said, "It is real quiet. It is running right now and you can't hear it from here."

"It runs on water," Sean said looking at his truck.

"With a shake or two of salt added," Thur said.

Chom said, "You'll need to fill the tank every month or so."

"I would just keep it running if I were you. It is a real beast to get started," Thur said.

Clea said, "The transmission was really very poorly constructed. You'll find that it is a whole lot better now."

Looking a little embarrassed, Pip said, "It has a small problem with staying on the ground when it gets to full speed. That's not really a good shape for a fast moving chariot."

Nodding his head, Sean asked, "How fast does it go?"

"I don't know. That little dial initially stopped at ninety but we fixed it so that it goes up to two hundred. The needle thing goes past that," Grum answered.

"I wouldn't recommend driving it that fast. That was about the time when we left the ground," Clea said shrugging her shoulders.

Pip said, "You've got to admit that it was exciting."

"That's true," Thur said.

Liam looked over at the corner of the house and said, "Agar fell out the back about the fourth time we bounced. We're still waiting for him to show up."

"He fell off?" Sean asked.

"Yes he did," Liam answered.

"Is he okay?" Sean asked worried that Agar was lying by the side of the road injured.

"He's okay," Liam said waving a hand. "He's a Leprechaun. It takes more than a little bounce to hurt one of us."

Clea said, "You should have heard him."

"I didn't know that he knew those words," Pip said.

Gesturing towards the house with his thumb, Liam said, "He learned them from Sean's mother."

"That woman has a mouth on her," Clea said.

"You can say that again," Liam said.

"She has quite an impressive command of the vulgar elements of the language," Thur said.

Liam said, "Of course, the other one is just as bad. You should have heard her yesterday when I gave her a little pat on the bottom. I thought my beard was going to get singed."

Sean's mother stepped out of the house and asked, "What's going on?"

Pip answered, "We were just talking about you."

"You were talking about me?" she asked looking around to see if her car was in pieces.

"We were discussing your mastery of the vulgar language," Clea said.

"Indeed we were," Chom said.

Rather than respond to comments about her vocabulary, Sean's mother stared at the truck. She said, "It is gold."

"You didn't mention that she was observant, Liam," Chom said.

"She's not all that observant," Liam said.

"She noticed that the truck was gold," Pip said pointing over at the truck.

"You've got to admit that is kind of obvious," Liam said.

"That's true," Pip said.

"When did you take it for a test drive?" Sean asked wanting to get the topic of conversation away from his mother.

"We got back right before you came out," Chom answered.

Sean looked at the Dwarves and the Leprechauns for a minute. Something was bothering him about what they had said. It finally dawned on him what was the matter. He asked, "How did you work the gas pedal and the steering wheel to drive the car?"

"I pressed the pedals," Pip said proudly.

"I steered," Chom said.

"I navigated," Thur said.

Sean's mother returned from examining the truck. Impressed by what she had seen, she said, "It has a real leather interior."

"Of course it does," Liam said straightening his coat and striking a proud pose.

Sean frowned and asked, "Where did you get leather?"

Chom pointed down the path and said, "They had a whole bunch of leather clothes over at that house down there."

"You took it out of someone's house?" Sean asked worried that he was going to get arrested.

Waving a hand at Sean, Pip said, "Don't worry. We didn't take them; the Brownies got them for us. They only took the clothes that had holes in them."

With an expression of concern on her face, Clea said, "I had no idea that Max was that poor."

"It was kind of strange. Usually, holes form at the knees and elbows, but all the holes in those clothes were in the crotch and chest area," Chom said rubbing the back of his head.

Clea shook her head and said, "Max's mother must have frozen her breasts off when it got cold. With the way the holes were located, her breasts would just stick right out there."

"It is really sad when you think about it; being forced to wear clothes until they're worn out like that," Chom said looking down at the ground.

Sean's mother put a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. Sean said, "Let me get this straight. You used leather clothes from the Baxter's house to make the seat covers for my truck."

"That's right," Chom said.

Liam nodded his head and said, "Despite the holes, that was some of the best leather I've ever worked with. It was nice and supple. It was black as night. I've never seen leather that shiny. I have no idea what she did to cause holes like that. Good leather like that shouldn't ever wear out."

"I have an idea," Sean's mother said trying hard to stifle her desire to laugh. She would have never believed that of the Baxters.

"It is time for you to take us to the store for some sodas," Chom said to Sean.

"Let me get my wallet and driver's license," Sean said turning to head to the house.

Once Sean had gone into the house, Pip said, "You were right, Chom."

"He forgot that he already paid us," Thur said.

"He's a decent sort of lad, but not too sharp first thing in the morning," Chom said with a smile.

Agar came walking around the corner of the house. He looked over at the Dwarves and said, "That was fun. I bet I flew a hundred paces when that truck bounced."

"Impressive," Liam said.

"Can we do that again?" Agar asked.

Chom said, "Sean's going to take us to the store for some sodas."

"Let's get in the truck before he changes his mind," Agar said. His suggestion triggered a stampede over to the truck. The Dwarves fought over the best positions in the bed of the truck. There was a rather loud argument about where the best bounce would be found.

Sean returned from the house and noticed all of the little folk in the back of the truck. Shrugging his shoulders, he climbed into the truck. After looking over the interior, he said, "It looks like they didn't make any changes to the controls."

It only took a few minutes to get to the convenience store. Much to Sean's surprise, the truck drove very nicely. It was very responsive to his touch and had a lot more pickup than he had expected. As soon as he had parked it, the little folk boiled out of the back and charged into the store. It was about that time when he realized that they had suckered him into buying them sodas. Sean sighed and said, "This is going to cost me a fortune."

He got into the store to find that the Dwarves had a pile of sodas already on the counter. Walking over to the counter, Sean said, "Hello Betty."

Betty barely noticed what Sean had said. She was busy watching the Dwarves and Leprechauns moving around the store checking out everything. Standing on Chom's shoulders to reach the top shelf, Pip held up a bag and said, "Look! They have popcorn in a bag."

Chom leapt forward causing Pip to fall off of him. He held up a bag and asked, "What is this?"

"Potato chips," Sean answered.

"I wonder what those are," Chom said squeezing the air-filled bag.

"Don't squeeze the bag!" Sean shouted. He was too late and the bag burst. Of course, it was the bottom of the bag that opened and chips flew all over the floor. He groaned and said, "This is going to cost me a fortune."

Clea walked over to the counter and looked at the woman. She said, "You're the lady with all of the plants, aren't you?"

"Yes," Betty answered staring at Clea's beard.

"I'm kind of jealous of you," Clea said.

"Why?" Betty asked.

"All the guys talk about is your butt. They say that you have the best butt in the area," Clea said.

"Oh God," Betty said. She had heard that about three times a day since starting the job.

Clea said, "The only one who notices my butt is Max."

There was a round of pops while the Dwarves checked out the chips. Sean shouted, "Everyone out while I pay for this stuff."

Grumbling, the Dwarves lined up and marched out the door. When they passed Sean, Chom mumbled, "He's got no sense of adventure."

"We're going to have to come down here sometime when he isn't around," Pip said.

"That's a good idea," Thur said.

"I thought so," Pip said.

Betty had gone over to the chips area and was busy surveying the damage. There were the contents of a couple dozen packages of chips scattered around on the floor. It was going to take forever to clean up the mess. She looked over at Sean and said, "You are going to pay for this."

"I know," Sean said. He opened his wallet to make sure that he had enough money.

Liam walked past carrying a dozen bags of chips. He put them on the counter and said, "Add these to the bill."

"No," Sean said.

Agar stumbled around with his hands over his heart. He fell down and let loose with a long slow moan that ended with a little quaver. After a few seconds, he stood up and said, "Buy one for each of us."

With visions of spending the next hour arguing with the Leprechauns echoing in his head, Sean said, "Okay."

While holding the front door open for the other Leprechaun, Agar said, "That was another demonstration that Leprechauns are the best negotiators."

"Thank you," Liam replied pausing to make a little bow.

"That was a very good moan. You're going to have to teach me how to do that," Agar said letting the door close behind him.



-------

Chapter 31


"We're going to be showing a movie tonight," Sean said into the telephone.

Max said, "I can't go."

"Why not?" Sean asked.

There was a long moment of silence and then Max answered, "My mother thinks I stole some of her clothes."

"Oh," Sean said with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"I didn't," Max said. His voice sounded like he had cupped a hand around the handset so that it wouldn't carry into the room.

There was a loud screech in the background and then the voice of Max's mother shouting,

"Don't lie!"

"I've got to go. Let Clea know," Max said just before hanging up the phone.

Sean stared at the telephone handset for a second before hanging it up on the wall phone. He hadn't imagined that Max would get blamed for the missing leather clothes. He sighed and said, "I guess it is up to me to make things right."

"What do you have to make right?" his mother asked.

"Max's mother thinks Max stole her leather clothes," Sean answered.

"What are you going to do?" his mother asked.

"I guess I'll explain that the Brownies stole them so that the Leprechauns could make leather seat covers for my truck that the Dwarves were fixing," Sean answered. Saying it like that really sounded crazy. He'd be lucky if he didn't end up in the psyche ward of the local hospital.

"Ah. Good luck," his mother said shaking her head.

Sean went outside and found the Dwarves lying around on the ground with swollen bellies from the chips and sodas. Chom belched and said, "Oh my, that was good."

Ignoring Chom, Sean looked over at Clea and said, "Max can't make the movie tonight."

"Why not?" Clea asked with a frown. She was looking forward to a little chase before the movie started. She sat up and looked at Sean.

"He's grounded," Sean answered.

"What does that mean?" Chom asked with a puzzled expression on his face.

Pip said, "I'm lying on the ground. Does that mean I'm grounded?"

"He's being punished," Sean said.

"I really don't like the sound of that. It sounds a lot like getting ground between two heavy grindstones like wheat getting turned into flour," Clea said folding her arms across her chest.

"Being grounded means that he's not allowed to leave the house. It is a common punishment,"

Sean answered.

"Punished for what?" Clea asked getting angry. She wasn't sure who she was angry at, but she was not happy about her date with Max getting canceled. He was the only male within a hundred miles who was paying attention to her.

"His parents think he stole his mother's leather clothes," Sean answered.

Shocked at the suggestion that Max was getting blamed for stealing the clothes, Clea said, "He didn't do that."

Shrugging his shoulders, Sean said, "His mother doesn't know that."

"Oh," Clea said.

"I am going to go over there and explain what happened," Sean said.

Clea said, "Good."

"She's not going to be happy. I think that she really liked those clothes," Sean said. He hoped that the Dwarves didn't ask for details about why she might really like clothes with holes in them. He wasn't sure that he could explain it to them.

She looked over at Liam and said, "We should never have asked the Brownies for the leather outfits."

Pip said, "It is too late to return them."

"If I had some good leather, I could make new ones without holes," Liam said.

Clea didn't like the idea of giving someone perfectly good clothes for having taken ones with holes in them. She asked, "Do you have any leather left?"

"Just a little," Agar answered.

"Is there enough to make one of those outfits for me?" Clea asked.

"Not really," Liam answered.

Agar said, "We'd have to leave some holes in it to get the general outfit right."

"Make one for me that was just like one we used. Put the holes in the same place. When she sees how ridiculous it looks, she won't be upset that we used them," Clea said.

"I don't think that is a good idea," Sean said.

"It sounds like a great idea to me," Pip said.

"I'll give her a piece of my mind if she doesn't stop punishing Max. We've got a date tonight,"

Clea said.

Sean looked around and realized that the two Leprechauns were missing. He looked back and discovered Clea was gone as well. Having no idea how long it would take them to come up with the outfit he groaned and said, "I better get over to the Baxter's house right away."

Sean took off at a run for the path. He hoped that if he ran fast enough that he'd beat Clea there. The rest of the Dwarves ran along behind expecting to see quite a show. Noticing that he had a herd following him, Sean stopped and turned to face them. He said, "There's no need for you to go along."

"That's true," Pip said nodding his head vigorously.

"We want to watch the fireworks," Chom said rubbing his hands together excitedly.

Pip said, "I've never seen Clea that angry. There's going to be lots of fireworks."

Grum said, "This is going to be spectacular."

"Bang, boom," Pip said waving his arms around.

"Besides, she's going to really look stupid in that outfit," Thur said. The other Dwarves all nodded their heads in agreement.

Sean said, "Hey. That's not very nice."

"Clea is always doing weird things about her appearance," Chom said.

Pip said, "Do you remember seven hundred years ago when she wore that ivy in her hair in an attempt to look pretty only to discover that it was poison ivy?"

"That was a good one," Chom said laughing.

Thur said, "I laughed for a hundred years on that one."

"How about that time when she got dyed purple?" Chom asked.

"That was funny," Pip said laughing.

"Remember when she cut off her beard?" Thur asked.

"That was so stupid. Who ever heard of a female dwarf without a beard?" Grum asked shaking his head.

Pip said, "We better get over there before we miss the show."

The reminder of his mission caused Sean to take off in a run. The path that he had taken several times a day seemed to be twice as long as he remembered. He reached the fork in the path and headed towards the house. The Dwarves thundered along behind him. One or another would make a comment about how Clea would look in her clothes and they'd pause to laugh a bit.

Sean reached the backdoor of the Baxter's house too late. Clea was already there knocking on the door. She was wearing a tight leather corset with her breasts hanging out. The little garter straps dangled around her legs. She was not wearing any underwear and her bare ass was exposed for everyone to see. Ruining the overall effect for Sean was the thin beard nestled between the breasts.

He arrived at the door just as it opened. Mrs. Baxter stood at the door with an expression on her face that threatened to curdle milk. Looking at Sean, she said, "Max is grounded."

"I know," Sean said looking up at the tall woman. Despite her height, she was wearing high heels that made her even taller. She had her jet black hair tied back in a tight bun. The only word that came to mind was formidable.

There was an impatient tapping on Mrs. Baxter's knee. She looked down and saw Clea for the first time. In a voice that could have shattered glass, Mrs. Baxter screamed. Looking up at the woman, Clea screamed. Hearing the screams, Mr. Baxter came charging to the backdoor with Max close on his heels.

Mr. Baxter looked around at the Dwarves standing behind Sean and shouted, "Oh my God! Sean is the head of a gang of midgets!"

"They're not midgets. They are Dwarves," Sean said hoping to defuse the issue a bit.

"Dwarves?" Mrs. Baxter asked looking over the assembly of little people.

Mr. Baxter stared at Clea open mouthed. The beard put him off a little, but the outfit definitely had his attention. Mrs. Baxter noticed and her control immediately returned. In a sharp voice, she said, "Down boy."

Mr. Baxter dropped to his knees and hugged his wife's leg. The sudden change in his position allowed Max his first clear look at Clea. Eyes wide, Max licked his lips and said, "I like it."

"Why is Max grounded?" Clea demanded. She stood there with her legs spread and her hands on her hips.

"He took some of my clothes," Mrs. Baxter answered glaring down at the small woman.

"No he didn't. The Brownies took your clothes," Clea said.

"I want them back," Mrs. Baxter said. She wasn't going to ask why little girls who sold cookies would take her fetish attire.

"Why?" Clea asked. She glanced over at Max and noticed that he was staring at her glassy eyed.

"They are very expensive," Mrs. Baxter said.

Clea snorted and said, "What are you talking about? I'm wearing an outfit that is an exact duplicate of one that the Brownies took. This dress is so worn that it doesn't hide the breasts and there are only four little straps left of the skirt. It looks ridiculous."

"Uh, Clea," Chom said raising a hand to get her attention.

Clea turned to look at the rest of the Dwarves. She hadn't seen them looking at her that way in almost eight thousand years. She asked, "What are you staring at? You've seen me naked a thousand times."

"Uh, this is a little different," Chom said nervously.

Confused, she asked, "What are you saying?"

Pip cleared his throat and said, "It doesn't look so ridiculous."

Thur said, "In fact, it looks kind of nice."

"I like it," Grum said.

Sean looked around with a puzzled expression on his face. Personally he thought that Clea looked kind of ridiculous in the outfit. He asked, "What is going on here?"

Ignoring Sean, Chom said, "You look good in it."

"I'd chase you through the woods," Thur said.

"So would I," Pip said.

"Me, too," Grum said.

"Me, three," Chom chimed in.

The comment about being chased through the woods reminded Clea of the reason she was there. She turned to Max and saw that he was still staring at her slack jawed. Concerned, she asked, "Are you okay, Max?"

Mrs. Baxter looked over at Max and shook her head. She said, "He's just like his father. You show him a little leather and he falls all over himself."

"Huh?" Clea asked confused by the statement.

Turning back to look at the much smaller woman, Mrs. Baxter asked, "Who are you?"

"I'm Clea."

Mrs. Baxter crossed her arms and said, "So I finally meet the mystery woman who has captured my little boy's heart. To tell the truth, I didn't believe that you actually existed."

"We have a date tonight," Clea said.

Mrs. Baxter pointed in the house and, in a very stern voice, said, "To your room, Max!"

"Yes, mom," Max said running off to his room.

"To your room," Mrs. Baxter said with a snap of her fingers. Mr. Baxter released his hold on her leg and ran off to his room.

Sean raised a hand and said, "I came over to..."

Interrupting him, Clea said, "Max and I have a date tonight. Get him back here."

"I just wanted to..." Sean started to say.

"Well, you might as well come in. We've got a lot to talk about," Mrs. Baxter said interrupting Sean.

"Yes, we do," Clea said. She was going to have a date with Max regardless of what this Amazon woman said.

Clea stepped into the house and the door slammed shut in Sean's face. To the closed door he said, "I just wanted to clarify the situation with the clothes. You see, the Brownies took them for the Leprechauns to make seat covers for my truck that the Dwarves were repairing."

Chom walked over to Sean and asked, "Who are you talking to?"

"No one," Sean said with a sigh.

Pip said, "I think that Clea really looked good in that outfit."

"Yeah," Chom said stroking his beard.

"Maybe we haven't been paying enough attention to her," Thur said looking around at the other Dwarves.

"I'll pay attention to her," Chom said.

"No. I'll do it," Pip said.

Knowing that they'd argue about it for hours, Sean said, "I'm going home."

"I'm going to wait here for Clea," Chom said.

"No need for you to do that. I'll wait for Clea," Pip said.

Thur said, "I'll wait here for her."

Sean walked away thinking that he'd take his truck over to Suzie's house and show it to her.

He'd have to do that on the way to work. He realized that he could actually give her a ride to work. Walking down the path he said, "It isn't even ten in the morning and I've already had a full day."

The trip home didn't seem to take as long as the trip to the Baxter's house. After changing into his work clothes, Sean was soon on the way to Suzie's house to show off his truck. Once he was on the road, he pressed the accelerator to the floor to see just how much get up and go it had.

He blew right past her house before putting on the brake. White faced, he turned around and headed back to her house.

He pulled into the driveway and parked the truck where it would easily be seen from the front door. Walking up to the door, he knocked on it hoping that Mr. Emery didn't answer. When the front door opened, he groaned and said, "Hello, Mr. Emery."

"Sean," Mr. Emery said putting a hand on Sean's shoulder. He said, "You and I are going to have to have a long talk."

Sean let a weak smile cross his face and said, "I would really enjoy talking about the current status of the global economy, but I must get to work soon."

"That isn't what I wanted to talk to you about," Mr. Emery said.

"How about the disgusting behavior of Congress? That's a topic that is worth hours of talk,"

Sean said.

"Not that topic either," Mr. Emery said shaking his head.

Sean was kind of stuck for a moment coming up with a nice neutral topic. He tapped a foot while thinking about it and then said, "How about the future of engineering and science in a service oriented society?"

"No," Mr. Emery said shaking his head.

"Religion?"

"No."

In a rather apologetic tone of voice, Sean said, "You know, I'm beginning to suspect that you and I have very little in common."

"How about we talk about Suzie?"

"She's such a lovely young woman. Not only is she lovely, she's smart. You must be so proud of her," Sean said nervously.

"I am," Mr. Emery said.

Thinking it was about time to make a strategic retreat, Sean said, "Well, it sure has been nice talking to you, Sir. I really must be heading to work now. Perhaps we can have a talk some other time about a less emotional topic. I suggest something like economics, politics, or religion."

"Hold on," Mr. Emery said when Sean tried to wiggle out from under his hand.

"Leave the boy alone. Suzie has him well in hand," Mrs. Emery said coming to the front door.

Mr. Emery frowned and said, "That's what I'm worried about."

"What?" Sean asked. Not for the first time he wished that he had greater control over his mouth.

"What part of you she has her hand on," Mr. Emery replied. He narrowed his eyes trying to look tough.

"Oh," Sean said.

From behind, Mrs. Emery ran a hand around Mr. Emery's hip and cupped him between the legs. With her mouth next to his ear, she asked, "What part might that be?"

While Sean covered his eyes, Mr. Emery stood up straighter and answered, "Uh, that one?"

Mrs. Emery looked around her husband and said, "Look at that. He's got a pretty little gold truck. I bet he wants to show it off to Suzie. Isn't that sweet?"

"That's another thing that I want to talk... ," Mr. Emery said stopping when there was a little squeeze between his legs.

"Let me handle this," Mrs. Emery said.

"Uh, okay," Mr. Emery said.

"I'm sure that Sean is a safe and careful driver," Mrs. Emery said pleasantly.

"Uh," Mr. Emery said licking his lips.

"I am," Sean said still keeping his eyes covered.

"I'm sure you are. Do you remember our discussions about vets?" Mrs. Emery asked.

"Yes, I do," Sean said starting to sweat. There was a tone to her voice that he didn't like when she asked that question.

"Vets occasionally have to put down cats when they are injured. One little accident with Suzie in your truck and I'll be sure that they take you to the vet rather than the hospital," Mrs. Emery said.

"I can see that happening," Sean said.

"I'm sure that Suzie would be disappointed to lose her favorite tom cat like that," Mrs. Emery said with a smile.

"Uh, yeah," Sean said peeking between his fingers. He swore that the look on Mrs. Emery's face was the scariest expression he had ever seen. There was a hunger there that he didn't quite trust. At least he wasn't the subject of that look. Mr. Emery was wiggling around in a rather distracted manner.

"Maybe I ought to go in the house," Mr. Emery stammered.

"That would be a good idea. While you're there, why don't you send Suzie out here? She has to go to work and I'm sure that Sean would love to give her a ride there," Mrs. Emery said giving him a little rub.

"We'll be alone?" Mr. Emery said squirming while a hand traced out a certain very prized part of his body.

Sean didn't know whether to cover his ears or his eyes. He compromised by closing his eyes and covering his ears. He stood there for a minute feeling rather impressed by the effectiveness of his compromise. His eyes flew open when someone kissed him. Much to his relief, it was Suzie.

He grinned and said, "Hello, Suzie."

"Hello, Sean," Suzie said with a smile.

"Do you want to see my truck?" Sean asked pulling her into a hug.

"Yes," Suzie said. She had been waiting for a long time to see his truck.

Turning so that they both faced the truck, Sean pointed to the truck and said, "See."

Suzie laughed and said, "It is gold."

"I know," Sean said.

"Take me for a ride in it," Suzie said. She had plans that involved getting far enough away that the Dwarves, Fairies, Brownies, and Leprechauns wouldn't be anywhere around. Unfortunately those plans couldn't be put into play at the moment.

"Okay," Sean said thinking about Mrs. Emery's threat. He said, "You're going to have to promise not to distract me."

"Why?" Suzie asked.

"Your mother promised to take me to a vet if I had an accident with you in the truck," Sean said.

"You must have misunderstood her," Suzie said smiling at him.

"Nope. She really hates cats," Sean said shaking his head.

"She loves cats," Suzie said.

"Not cats named Sean."



-------

Chapter 32


Sean looked over at the car parked next to his truck. His mother and father were seated in the back seat while Mr. and Mrs. Emery were in the front seat. The movie was playing on the screen. Even though he had put the tape in the VCR, he couldn't remember what the movie was. With an arm around Suzie, he said, "I kind of like this drive-in theater idea."

"It is nice," Suzie said snuggling up to him. It was a shame that there weren't any drive-in theaters anymore. They were the perfect place for a date.

"Very nice," Sean said glancing over at the other car. Mr. Emery was watching him. He wished that their parents were parked a lot further away. He really liked holding Suzie close to him like that.

Suzie looked back at the peanut gallery and noticed that it wasn't quite as large as usual. She asked, "Where's Max and Clea?"

"I don't know," Sean answered. He suspected that they were still over at Max's house. He didn't want to think about what was going on there.

"They seem to be getting along well," Suzie said.

"Uh, I think they are taking their relationship to the next level," Sean said. He looked in the rear view mirror and saw that Lily was busy swinging on the play set. It looked like she was having fun.

"That's nice. I never expected Max to be the kind of guy that went for a woman with a beard," Suzie said. Of course, she didn't know any guys that would go for a woman with a beard.

"I know. That's not exactly what you expect from a football player," Sean said. The members of the football team were the big men on campus. In a way he had always found that rather disgusting. He felt that school was supposed to be about learning and not playing sports. As the sole member of the chess club, he felt that academic activities should be celebrated more than physical activities.

Nodding her head in agreement, Suzie said, "Like all of the other members of the football team, he always went after the pretty girls on campus. He only dated cheerleaders in the past."

"That's not saying much. We've got the ugliest cheerleaders in the county," Sean said shaking his head.

"Why do you say that?" Suzie asked pulling away from him to look him in the eye.

"You aren't on the cheerleading team. The only way they'd be the prettiest cheerleaders in the county is to add you to the team," Sean said.

Rubbing his thigh, Suzie settled back against his side and said, "That's sweet."

"It is the truth," Sean said glancing over at the car parked next to his. He noticed that Mr. Emery kept glancing in his direction. The look he was receiving was not exactly comforting. He sat up a little straighter. He said, "Your beauty alone would make all of the other cheerleading teams go home in disgrace."

Grinning at him, Suzie said, "I'm not interested in being a cheerleader."

Sean was quiet for a moment and said, "You know, I've never thought about it before but there are twice as many football players as there are cheerleaders."

"So?" Suzie asked wondering why Sean was talking so much about cheerleaders.

"So how is it that all of the football players are dating cheerleaders?" Sean asked. Although math was one of his favorite subjects, he was having a little trouble with the numbers.

"That's why I didn't want to be a cheerleader," Suzie said.

"Why?" Sean asked. The speaker hanging inside the window of his truck was playing some suspenseful music. He wondered what was happening on the screen, but decided that the action inside the truck was a whole lot more interesting than the movie or what their parents were doing.

"I'm a one man woman," she answered with a giggle. She moved her hand and he jumped. She added, "And I've got him right where I want him."

"Oh," Sean said with his voice breaking. He wondered if she knew where her hand was.

Deciding that it was time to change the subject, Suzie shifted so that she was pressed against his body. She kissed him. In a soft voice, she said, "I really like this."

"Me too," Sean squeaked. He could feel his cognitive abilities taking flight.

Pressing her tongue into his mouth, Suzie upped the passion in her kisses. In the process of adjusting her position in the truck, her elbow hit the horn. They jumped apart looking guilty. Sean looked over at the car next to theirs and saw Mr. Emery glaring at him. The two women were laughing while his father was looking around as if seeking something interesting to look at so long as it wasn't in their direction.

Looking over at the car, Suzie straightened up upon seeing the expression on her father's face. Less than happy, she said, "I swear that if he has his way that I'm going to be a virgin until I'm thirty."

"I'm sorry," Sean said not quite sure why he was apologizing.

"It's not your fault that we can't seem to get any time alone together," Suzie said.

"I know," Sean said.

Suzie watched her parents hoping that their attention would return to the movie. Her father was grumbling and looking over at the truck occasionally. When she noticed her mother reaching over to her father, she said, "Way to go Mom."

"What?" Sean asked unable to see what was happening. All he could see was Mr. Emery turning to look at Mrs. Emery. At least he wasn't glaring at them anymore.

"Mom is distracting Dad," Suzie said.

"How?" Sean asked with a frown. After observing Mrs. Emery's little demonstration of distracting Mr. Emery earlier that day, Sean didn't really want to think about what was happening in the car next to his.

"She has her ways," Suzie said with a smile.

Shaking his head, Sean said, "My mom and dad are in the car with them."

Suzie checked out the action in the backseat of the car parked beside theirs. She smiled and said, "They look a little distracted, too."

"Oh," Sean said. He looked in the rearview mirror and saw the Dwarves dancing around like they were having a sword fight. Liam was staggering around like he was dying. He glanced at the movie screen and saw that there was some kind of medieval battle taking place. He said, "It looks like the Dwarves are enjoying Condor the Barbarian."

Suzie looked over her shoulder and laughed at the action taking place behind them. She said, "Yes, it does."

Looking at the actor on the screen, Sean felt like a scrawny little kid in comparison. He was a scrawny little kid in comparison. He asked, "Would you like me to build up my muscles like his?"

"I like you how you are," Suzie answered with a smile. Running a hand over his chest, she whispered, "I love running my hands over your chest."

"Uh," Sean said. He was going to say more, but Suzie ran her tongue along his neck. He shivered unable to believe how nice that felt.

"Do you like running your hands over my chest?" she asked in a teasing voice.

"Uh," Sean answered. His mouth was moving, but no words were coming out.

"I'm not wearing a bra," Suzie said pulling one of his hands under her shirt.

"Glung," Sean said feeling her smooth skin under his hand. He could just feel the swell of her breasts when there was a tapping on the door. He groaned.

Suzie growled in frustration and asked, "What is it now?"

Sean looked out the window and saw Lily standing beside the truck. He rolled down the window and, attempting to look composed, said, "Ding crod muggling?"

Staring at her brother, Lily asked, "Why are you talking funny?"

Suzie pulled his hand out from under her shirt and sat up straighter. Now that his brain was capable of functioning, he asked, "What's the matter, Lily?"

"I'm bored with being the swing kid," Lily said with a pout.

Sean looked over at Suzie and saw that she had adjusted her shirt. She scooted over and said, "Let her in."

Lily got in the truck and climbed over Sean. Her knee caused him to double over. She settled into position between the two teenagers. Looking around, she said, "This is better."

"Uh, yeah," Sean said remaining bent over and trying to uncross his eyes.

"Right," Suzie said in disgust. She slumped against the door and said, "Let's watch the movie."

Lily sat there for a minute watching the action on the screen. She said, "I kind of like Condor the Barbarian. He hasn't worn a shirt throughout the whole movie."

"I hadn't noticed," Suzie said. She had maybe watched two minutes of the film so far.

Sean looked over at Suzie and then at the movie. Condor the Barbarian was in the process of flexing his muscles while waving a sword around in the air. He sank in his seat and muttered, "All brawn and no brain."

Nodding her head, Lily said, "I think I like men with muscles. All of the movies on the dirty movie channel have men with muscles."

This was the first that Suzie had heard of Sean's parents having a dirty movie channel. She looked over at Lily and, wanting to make sure that she had understood correctly, asked, "Dirty channel?"

"You know, the channel with all of the perverts on it," Lily said.

"She's talking about the Household Box Office channel and their late night movies," Sean said looking over at Suzie.

"Oh," Suzie said unsure if she was disappointed or not. The idea of him watching dirty movies was a little disturbing, but she was kind of curious about what they showed.

"You aren't supposed to be watching that channel at night. You're too young," Sean said wondering what had happened to his nice innocent little sister.

Lily shrugged her shoulders and said, "I'm going to have a nice boy with lots of muscles for a boyfriend when I get older."

"No you're not," Sean said thinking that a second grader was too young to be thinking those kinds of thoughts.

"I'm going to be a cheerleader when I grow up," Lily said.

"Oh, no you're not!" Sean said.

"Why not?" Lily asked turning to look at her brother.

Glancing over at Sean, Suzie knew exactly what he was thinking. She said, "You don't want to be a cheerleader."

"Yes, I do," Lily said.

"Why do you want to be a cheerleader?" Suzie asked.

"You're not going to be a cheerleader," Sean said. He was half tempted to sent Mrs. Emery over to her for a nice long talk about cats.

Lily smiled and said, "All of the boys like cheerleaders. I would get my choice of boys. I'd pick three or four of them with lots of muscles."

"You're not going to be a cheerleader," Sean said.

"You keep saying that," Lily said.

Sulking, Sean said, "Watch the movie."

Lily sat there looking at the screen for a few minutes and then said, "You can see her boobs through that outfit."

"What?" Sean asked shocked that his sister would say something like that.

Pointing at the action on the screen, Lily asked, "Wouldn't you like to see Suzie in that outfit?"

Sean covered his ears and shook his head. Looking up at the sky, he asked, "What has happened to my little sister?"

Lily looked at Suzie and asked, "Do you have an outfit like that?"

"No," Suzie answered turning bright red.

"I bet you want one," Lily said.

"Uh," Suzie said.

"I know where you can buy one," Lily said.

Wanting to end the discussion, Sean said, "I don't think you can buy one like that."

"You can buy one at Suzie's Secrets," Lily said.

"Shirley's Treasures," Suzie corrected.

Lily said, "I went there with mom once. She bought a lot of outfits like that."

"They do have some nice stuff there," Suzie said.

"Sean is going shopping for school clothes tomorrow. Maybe he'll buy you something like that. I'm sure that mom will help him pick out something really nice for you," Lily said.

"Just watch the movie," Sean said hanging halfway out his window. The idea of going into Shirley's Treasures with his mother was going to give him nightmares.

"Okay," Lily said crossing her arms across her chest. She was silent for a minute and then said, "I'd like some popcorn."

On the verge of tears, Sean looked at Lily and asked, "Did Mr. Emery send you over here?"

"Yes," Lily answered. She looked puzzled for a minute and then asked, "How did you know?"

"My dad is dead meat," Suzie growled looking over at the car parked next to them. Her father flashed a big smile at her and turned to watch the film.

When the film finally came to an end, Sean went over to the VCR and put in the tape with the intermission advertisement. Suzie went over to the concession stand to serve up popcorn and soft drinks to the long line that was forming. Sean was on his way over to the concession stand when Mr. Emery put a hand on his shoulder. "Are you enjoying the movie, Sean?"

"It was a very good movie," Sean answered trying to remember anything from the first half of the film.

"Make sure that is all you're enjoying," Mr. Emery said.

"Like I have any choice," Sean muttered. He noticed the Gnome was facing the screen rather than the Dwarves' workshop.

"What was that?" Mr. Emery asked.

"I'm looking forward to watching the sequel," Sean answered doing his best to paste a smile on his face.

Chom walked past and said, "That was a most wonderful play."

"Such action," Pip said.

Thur said, "I never saw anything like it."

Still suffering under the constant pressure of Mr. Emery's hand on his shoulder, Sean said, "We're showing the sequel next."

"Really?" Chom said.

"That is great," Pip said.

Grum said, "I'm going to get some branches so that we can have more realistic sword fights."

"That's a good idea," Pip said.

Thur said, "All of that fighting really made me hungry and thirsty. Maybe we should get two popcorns and two sodas each for the next movie."

"We can do that?" Pip asked.

"Why not?" Thur asked.

Patting Sean on the back, Mr. Emery said, "You had better get over there and shovel popcorn."

"Yes, sir," Sean answered.

For the next eight minutes, Sean was busy serving popcorn. He finished just in time to race over to the VCR and swap out cassettes before his mother started blowing the horn. When the second film finally started, he made his way back to the concession stand where Suzie was cleaning up. He got over there and asked, "How's it going?"

"It could be better," Suzie answered after glancing over at Lily. To say that the events of the evening had left her frustrated would be an understatement.

It was well after Lily's normal bedtime. Yawning, Lily said, "I'm tired."

"Why don't you go get ready for bed and I'll be up in a few minutes to tuck you in?" Sean said gently. At least having her in bed would remove one obstacle that was keeping him and Suzie apart. He wished that he could send Suzie's father, the two meddling mothers, and his father off to bed for the night. He amended that to include the Dwarves, Leprechauns, Fairies, and Brownies. He figured that he should probably throw the Baxter's into the mix for good measure.

"Okay," Lily said heading into the house.

Suzie smiled over at Sean and said, "You really care about her."

"Yes, I do," Sean said.

"Even when she talks about becoming a cheerleader?" she asked with a laugh.

"Don't talk about that," Sean said with an expression on his face as if he had just bitten into an apple and discovered half of a worm.

"Go on and tuck your sister into bed," Suzie said with a smile.

Sean entered the bedroom to find Lily already in bed. He adjusted the blanket around her with a smile. Looking up at him, Lily said, "I like Suzie."

"I'm glad," Sean said.

"Are you going to be a pervert with her?" Lily asked.

"No," Sean answered.

Lily frowned upon hearing his answer and said, "I think she wants you to do that."

"Don't worry about it," Sean said with a smile.

"Okay," Lily said. She yawned and closed her eyes.

"Good night, Lily," Sean said softly.

"Good night, Sean," Lily mumbled. She rolled over and fell asleep.

Smiling, Sean watched her for a moment. Thinking about the discussion in the truck, he whispered, "You are not going to be a cheerleader."

Tiptoeing out of the bedroom, Sean headed out to help Suzie with cleaning up the concession stand. He had just entered the kitchen when Suzie entered it from the backdoor. She walked up to him and said, "Kiss me."

"Yes, ma'am," Sean replied more than happy to comply with her request. His arms slipped around her and he pulled her close.

"Shut up and kiss me," Suzie said tilting her head up to him.

Sean got lost in the kiss. After about five minutes, he realized that his hand was being directed to a bare breast. He moaned as his ability to think fled. He slowly stepped back as a hand started stroking him. His universe narrowed down to his hand on her breast and the hand rubbing his crotch. After what seemed like forever, he found that he was lying on his back on a soft surface.

"Ung gung ga," Suzie said pulling her shirt off. It was the last of her clothes to get removed. Complicating the removal of the shirt was the fact that Sean was doing amazing things between her legs.

Eyes half rolled back in his head, Sean said, "Gunga dun."

Suzie lifted off his mouth and moved down his body. She gave a little hiss when she lowered herself onto him. A shudder went through her body at the sensations created. She moaned, "Ah."

"Oh," Sean said unable to believe how great this felt.

"Dinga bon bon," Suzie said lifting herself a little before sliding down on him.

"Mundo mando," Sean said looking up at Suzie in wonder. He could die now and be a happy man.

Suzie shuddered and then squeaked. At that point, the whole world became a blur to both of them. The action became fast and furious while their passion took them on an uncontrolled ride. At some point in time, Sean realized that he was on top of her. A few minutes later, she was on top of him. Neither really knew what had happened. They regained consciousness lying side by side on his bed.

Breathing heavily, Sean said, "That was amazing."

"Yes, it was," Suzie said. She was hot and sweaty.

"Absolutely amazing," Sean said.

"I want more," Suzie said looking at him with a hungry expression on her face. A month of pleasures denied had whetted her appetite. She planned on leaving this experience with her baser desires fully sated.

"Me too," Sean said. He had seen that hungry expression before, but he couldn't place where. Somehow he wasn't scared by it.

"What are you waiting for?" Suzie asked grabbing him.

Sean never thought of answering. Suzie wasn't about to complain; his actions were answer enough. She moaned, "We've got another hundred positions to try."

Thirty minutes later, they revived enough to talk. Breathing so hard that it was difficult to talk, Sean said, "That was amazing."

"Yes, it was," Suzie said grabbing his head and pulling it to her breast. In a soft voice, she said, "Again."

"Oh yeah," Sean moaned latching onto a nipple. He enjoyed the little squeak she made when he gave her nipple a little love bite. After that, things got confusing again.

Sean slowly became aware of a conversation taking place in his vicinity. Unaware of what he was doing, he snuggled closer to the warm body next to his. It slowly percolated through his mind that there was a soft breast with a hard nipple under his hand. That thought caused him to wake up.

"Is that a satisfied look or not?"

"I haven't seen a look that satisfied since I saw my reflection in the mirror this afternoon."

"Oh? Did you have a little afternoon delight today?"

"Right after she went to work with him."

"She's got a smile like a cat that swallowed the canary."

"I think she got that bird with cage and all."

Sean opened one eye to find his mother and Mrs. Emery standing beside his bed. He closed his eye and froze not wanting to let them know that he was awake. He remembered tucking Lily into bed and then kissing Suzie in the kitchen. His recollection got a little fuzzy at that point and he couldn't remember how he got to his bedroom. There were little flashes of the action that followed, but it was all rather confused.

"She's so much like you."

"Do you think so?"

"Yes, I do. She's got him well and truly under control."

"I don't think he'll complain."

"I think you're right. I saw that smile on your husband's face after the movie ended."

"Your husband had just as big of a grin."

"It has been a long time since we double dated like that."

"I swear you and God are on a first name basis when you come."

"You should talk. You still make that high pitched squeaking noise when you come."

Sean groaned and said, "I want to die."



-------

Chapter 33


Sean shifted in bed enjoying the chance to wake up in a nice relaxed manner. His brain slowly started functioning. The first problem it addressed was the usual warmth in the bed. Unable to solve that problem, his brain slowly moved puzzle represented by the flesh under his hand. It took about three minutes for his brain to come to the conclusion that there was a woman in bed with him. A millisecond after coming to that conclusion, his eyes shot open.

"Good morning," Suzie said with a very satisfied smile on her face.

"Good morning," Sean said hoping that his breath wasn't bad.

"I've been waiting for you to wake up," Suzie said moving a hand under the sheet.

Sean was about to answer, but her hand reached its destination. His eyes settled on her breasts and his mouth just naturally moved to it. The next thirty minutes was a confused scramble while each tried their best to pleasure the other. Needless to say, they were quite successful in their attempt. Sean discovered that the doggy position was indeed a very nice position.

"I've waited years for that," Suzie said breathing hard.

"Oh yeah," Sean said. He thought about it for a second and then asked, "Years?"

"You bet," Suzie said with a satisfied smile on her face.

"Oh," Sean said. He looked over at her unable to believe that he was so lucky to be with a woman that was so pretty.

She sighed and said, "I'm going to have to go now. I promised Mom that I would be home before Dad woke up."

Wondering when she had made that promise, Sean looked at the clock and said, "It is nine o'clock."

"Oops, I'm late," Suzie said looking over at the clock.

"You don't look particularly worried," Sean said with a frown. He imagined that Mr. Emery was at home cleaning the guns and trying to decide which one to use on him.

"Since I'm late, I might as well be later," Suzie said licking her lips and then lifting the sheet.

"I don't understand," Sean said.

Smiling at him, Suzie said, "Let's do it again."

"That I understand," Sean said with a grin.

Before either had a chance to act on the decision, there was a knock on the door. His mother stuck her head in the room and said, "Time to have breakfast kids. We're going shopping for school clothes."

"Okay," Suzie said.

"You might want to take a shower before getting dressed, Suzie. Your mother brought over some clean clothes for you," Sean's mother said with a smile.

"Thank you, Mrs. Michaels," Suzie said.

"You might as well share the shower," his mother said right before closing the door.

"Uh," Sean said staring door after his mother had closed it. Pointing at the door, he asked, "Was that my mother?"

"Yes," Suzie said with a smile. She really liked the idea of taking a shower with Sean.

"She didn't make any comments," Sean said wondering if his mother had been replaced by a pod person.

After a nice long shower that ended only when they ran out of hot water, Sean and Suzie made their way to the kitchen. His mother was at the stove making French toast looking very domestic with a lacy apron and all. Looking over her shoulder, she asked, "Are you hungry?"

"Yes," Suzie answered.

"Uh, sure," Sean answered waiting for some other kind of comment about how he must have worked up an appetite.

"Did you sleep well, Suzy?" Sean's mother asked.

"Very well, Mrs. Michaels," Suzie answered in a conversational tone of voice.

"That's lovely," Sean's mother said.

Sean watched the conversation in disbelief. His mother said, "Your mother will be here soon and we'll all go to the mall after you've finished eating breakfast."

"I can't wait," Suzie said.

Sean's father shuffled into the room. His face was unshaved, his eyes were red, and his hair uncombed. While heading towards the coffee pot, he said, "God woman. You wore me out last night. What got into you?"

"If I remember correctly, it was you," Sean's mother answered with a wink and a grin.

Sean groaned and covered his ears. He was afraid that he was going to hear a lot more before the breakfast was over. Leaning over to Suzie, he said, "They are going to torture us with tales of their sex life. My worst nightmare comes true."

"I think it is kind of sweet," Suzie said.

Sean's father poured a cup of coffee and looked around the kitchen. Noticing Suzie, he looked down at his cup of coffee for a second and then over at his wife. She was standing with her back to him. He smiled when an idea crossed his mind. He put down his cup of coffee and walked over to his wife. Reaching around her, he grabbed her breasts. The effect on Sean's mother was immediate. She stood up straight and shivered. Sean's father said, "We're going to talk about how Suzie ended up spending the night here."

"No," Sean's mother said. She rubbed her legs together and moaned. When her husband squeezed her nipples, she whimpered, "Oh God."

Not releasing his hold of the woman's nipples, Sean's father said, "Sean, watch the food so that it doesn't burn."

"Stop doing that to my nipples. Oh, yes ... just like that. Stop it. You know what that does to me," Sean's mother begged. Her face was turning red. She started breathing heavily. She whimpered and then said, "Oh God. Oh God. Oh dear Lord."

Sean's father directed his wife out of the kitchen. She stumbled when her legs threatened to give out on her. He picked her up and carried her out of the room. Just as they left the kitchen, he said, "You're going to tell me all about it, aren't you?"

"Anything, just don't stop," Sean's mother begged.

Sean stumbled over to the frying pan and stared down at the French toast. He said, "I'm damaged for life."

"Did you see that?" Suzie asked amazed. She nudged him out of the way and took over cooking breakfast.

"Unfortunately, I did," Sean said.

Suzie said, "That was so amazing the way your Dad was able to take control over your mother like that. She was putty in his hands."

"Uh, yeah," Sean said. He couldn't remember his father ever doing that before. His mother had turned into a bowl of gelatin.

"I swear I could see your mother's nipples all of the way across the room," Suzie said.

"Can we not talk about that?" Sean asked with a groan.

Suzie put two more slices of bread in the frying pan and said, "My Dad does that to Mom sometimes. Rather than playing with her nipples, he nibbles on her ear. She squeaks and then meekly follows him off to the bedroom."

"I'm not going to be able to look an adult in the eye for the rest of my life," Sean said shaking his head. First it was the Baxters, then his parents, and now Suzie's parents.

"It kind of excited me to watch him do that to your mother," Suzie said.

"Huh?" Sean said realizing that he was a whole lot more like Max than he had thought. Parents weren't supposed to be doing things like that, particularly where their children could see.

"You know," Suzie said looking a little embarrassed. She focused on preparing the breakfast.

"Uh, yeah," Sean said having no idea what she was talking about.

"Good," Suzie said. She put the two pieces of French toast on a plate and said, "Breakfast is ready."

"Oh, let me get the syrup," Sean said racing over to the refrigerator. He had just reached for the bottle when it dawned on him what Suzie was saying. His voice cracked when he said, "Oh!"

The young couple had just finished eating breakfast when there was a knock on the front door. Lily answered it and sent Mrs. Emery into the kitchen. On arriving she announced, "Sorry I'm late."

"Late?" Sean asked.

Looking around, Mrs. Emery asked, "Where's your mother, Sean?"

"Uh, Dad is having a little talk with her," Sean answered. He didn't think his parents would appreciate him announcing what they were doing to the world.

"He grabbed her nipples?" Mrs. Emery asked.

Surprised, Suzie asked, "How did you know?"

Mrs. Emery sat down at the table and answered, "Your Dad nibbled on my ears. He had the whole story about you spending the night here before we made it to the kitchen table."

"Kitchen table?" Sean asked with a worried frown. He wasn't sure what disturbed him more, the fact that her father had the whole story or the bit about the kitchen table. He decided the fact that Suzie's father knew about her spending the night was the most worrisome. The full implications of that dawned on him. He groaned and said, "I'm dead."

Mrs. Emery reached across the table and patted Suzie's hand. She said, "Enjoy this time while you can. Once Sean discovers your magic spot he'll be the one in charge."

"Huh? Sean asked.

"Is that so bad?" Suzie asked with a smile.

"Not really," Mrs. Emery said with a sigh. With a satisfied expression on her face, she sighed again and said, "That man of mine fucked me until I was a blithering idiot. This has been the best morning I've had in a long time."

"Did she just say fucked?" Sean asked Suzie unable to believe what Mrs. Emery had said.

Mrs. Emery turned to him and said, "Watch your language. There are ladies present."

"Yes, Mrs. Emery," Sean said wondering if he was dreaming. He got up to clear the dishes. While carrying the plates over to the sink, he thought about what Mrs. Emery had said about her husband nibbling on her ears. Returning to the table, he stopped behind Suzie. Curious, he leaned over and nibbled on her ear. She squeaked and then shivered.

Seeing Suzie's reaction, Mrs. Emery said, "Too late. He's got you now."

Wide-eyed, Suzie asked, "What was that?"

"He found your magic spot," Mrs. Emery answered.

"What does that mean?" she asked. She nearly melted when Sean nibbled on her ear again. She squeaked, rubbed her legs together and asked, "What's happening to me?"

Before Mrs. Emery had a chance to answer, Sean's mother entered the kitchen. She looked over at Mrs. Emery and said, "I'm sorry I'm late. I'm afraid that he knows everything."

"Don't worry about it. My husband nibbled on my ear this morning. He knows everything," Mrs. Emery said.

"I'm going to die," Sean said forgetting all about Suzie's ear. He hoped that Mr. Emery was a good shot. He was afraid that Mr. Emery would shoot his toe off and then watch as he bled to death. If death was inevitable, then he wanted to be put out of his misery as quickly as possible.

Suzie whispered, "Can we sneak off to your room for a minute?"

"Huh?" Sean asked unable to believe that she would even suggest that in front of her mother.

"Let's head out to the mall," Sean's mother said.

Suzie rose from her chair and asked, "Can we stop by Shirley's Treasures?"

"Of course," Mrs. Emery said heading towards the front door.

Sean's mother said, "That's a great idea. My husband completely destroyed the last outfit I got there in his rush to get it off of me. He was an animal that night."

With visions of spending the next two hours during the drive to the mall listening to the mothers talking about sex, Sean followed them out of the house. He said, "This is going to be the worst day of my life."

Holding his hand, Suzie asked, "Are you going to help me pick something out?"

"Uh," Sean said imagining Suzie giving him a fashion show right there in the store.

His mother answered, "Of course we will."

"Is there any chance you and Mrs. Emery could go shopping somewhere else?" Sean asked. His fantasies had fled like mice being chased by a cat.

Mrs. Emery laughed at the suggestion and answered, "No chance at all."

"I was afraid you'd say that," Sean said.

Two hours later Sean walked into Shirley's Treasures still holding Suzie's hand. His heart was pounding in his chest unable to believe that he was entering this temple dedicated to the sexy display of the female body. Shirley's Treasures had every kind of outfit that was capable of exciting a male. There were maid uniforms, garter belts, panties of every shape and size, bras that the covered the breasts and some that didn't, merry widows, and sheer gowns. There were displays of leather outfits and accessories. There was even a wall of sex toys. Sean had no idea where to look so he just stared at the floor.

He nearly fainted when Suzie picked up an outfit. He could see right through it. It was hard to catch his breath when she said, "I'm going to try this one on."

His excitement died when his mother ran over to a display and held up some kind of skimpy outfit. He could see right through it. He held his hand over his eyes when she said, "I'm going to try this one on."

"No," Sean said shaking his head. He squeezed his eyes shut.

"Oh. Look at this," Mrs. Emery exclaimed.

Sean zombie walked over to a chair and sat down. It took a few minutes before he became aware of Max sitting next to him. He looked over and said, "Hello, Max."

"Hello, Sean," Max said looking as bad as Sean felt.

"Suzie, her mother, and my mother are trying on outfits," Sean said numbly.

"Clea and my mother are trying on outfits," Max said slouching down in his chair.

"That's rough," Sean said shaking his head.

Max sighed and said, "Boy was I wrong about my parents."

"It's wrong," Sean said with a sigh.

"What?" Max asked.

"To have your mother around when your girlfriend is trying on sexy outfits," Sean said.

"It is worse knowing that your mother is trying on sexy outfits," Max said.

"You're right," Sean said. Just imagining it was making him feel ill.

Looking over at Sean, Max asked, "Can we change the subject?"

"Good idea," Sean said. There was squealing from the changing rooms. He couldn't tell who was making the noise. It could have been Suzie or Mrs. Emery.

"Clea told me that they fixed your truck yesterday morning. How is it?" Max asked.

"It is better than new," Sean answered feeling a lot more comfortable now that they were discussing a manly subject. His relief was short-lived.

Clea walked out wearing some weird outfit made of leather and decorated with chains. She posed and asked, "How do you like this, Max?"

Max's eyes glazed over and he answered, "Uh."

Satisfied by his reaction, Clea turned around and walked back to the dressing room saying, "You were right. He likes it."

Max collapsed in his chair and said, "I don't want to talk about it."

"I understand," Sean said feeling butterflies taking flight in his stomach. He was pretty sure that he was going to be treated to a fashion show as well. He said, "What happens in Shirley's stays in Shirley's."

"Agreed," Max said.

"Oh my God! Weird Sean and Mad Max are hanging out in Shirley's Treasures!"

Recognizing trouble when they heard it, both young men turned to look in the direction from which the voice had originated. With his heart sinking to his stomach, Sean said, "Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, it did."

Debbie said, "I always knew you two were perverts. I can't wait to tell everyone at school about this."

Suzie chose that moment to step out of the dressing room wearing a skimpy little outfit that covered almost nothing. Even what was covered, wasn't. She posed and asked, "Do you like it?"

"Uh," Sean said forgetting how to talk.

Satisfied with his reaction, Suzie turned around and headed back towards the dressing room. As she walked, she said, "You were right. He likes it."

"Slut," Debbie said freezing Suzie in her tracks.

Suzie slowly turned to look at Debbie. She was about to slap the woman when a rather large paddle held by a lacy bra flew across the room and hit Debbie squarely on the rear. Sean stood up and, pointing a finger at Debbie, shouted, "You will not talk to Suzie that way!"

Debbie stared at the paddle that was maneuvering around to give her another swat. Unable to believe what she was seeing, she was frozen in place until a second swat landed on her rear. She screamed and turned around. The paddle tried to move behind her. She turned some more. Suzie was having a hard time controlling her laughter, but Sean was still angry.

Hearing the disturbance, Clea ran out of the dressing room. Seeing what was happening, she shouted, "Sean! Stop it!"

There was a long low growl from the back of the store. Clea looked towards the back of the store when the saleslady screamed. Putting a hand to her forehead, she said, "That sounds like a troll."

"Uh oh," Sean said not liking the sound of that. He looked towards the back of the store. The paddle and bra dropped to the floor when a large crash filled the air.

The troll lumbered toward the front of the store. It didn't walk down the aisle, but through the displays. Lace and leather flew through the air while metal racks were stomped into the floor. Debbie chose that moment to make a strategic retreat out of the store. Max stared at the frightening looking creature. The creature stopped in front of Sean and asked, "Who you? What you?"

"I'm Sean. I'm a human."

"Me Stomp. Me Troll," the troll said. Having exhausted a significant fraction of his vocabulary, he turned and headed out the door taking out another dozen displays as he went.

In the quiet aftermath of the troll's passing, Sean finally managed to say, "Troll?"

"Didn't we tell you to never use your magic in anger?" Clea asked putting her hands on her hips.

"No, you didn't," Sean answered. He leaned back and looked through the door of the store. Stomp had marched straight across the hallway of the mall and smashed his way through the wall.

"Oops," Clea said snapping her fingers. She looked away and said, "I knew there was something we forgot to mention."

Feeling a little guilty, Sean said, "I take it that I'm not supposed to use magic when I'm angry."

"That's right. If you had hurt her, you could have brought back an Ogre. Don't even ask what would have happened if you had killed her," Clea said.

"What would have happened?" Suzy asked wide-eyed.

"If Sean had killed her he could have brought back a Banshee," Clea said with a shiver. No one liked Banshees.

"What's the troll going to do?" Sean asked worried about what he had just done.

"Oh, trolls like to destroy things until they find a bridge. He'll move under the bridge and charge people a toll to cross it," Clea answered.

Suzie said, "I don't think the police will like that."

"You're right," Max said nodding his head. He looked at Suzie wondering what men found attractive about that kind of outfit. He looked back at Clea appreciating the leather bra she was wearing.

Realizing that Max was there, Suzie headed back towards the changing room. Clea followed behind her and asked, "Can you believe that Max likes this outfit?"

Suzie stopped and looked over at Clea. Tilting her head to the side, she said, "Yes, I can."

"Chom and the rest of Dwarves liked the other leather outfit a lot. I wonder what they would think of this one," Clea said stroking her beard. She had been quite surprised to find them all waiting for her to leave the Baxters' house earlier that morning.

Mrs. Emery came out of the dressing room wearing a black lace outfit that revealed a lot more than Sean wanted to see. She said, "That's not too surprising. Tough guys go for leather."

Wearing a tight black leather outfit, Mrs. Baxter joined her and said, "Nice guys go for lace."

Max looked at his mother and wilted. Anguished, he said, "No!"

Mrs. Emery looked at Mrs. Baxter and commented, "You look good in that."

"Thanks. You look good in that outfit," Mrs. Baxter said.

Sean's mother stepped out and said, "Wow. You look great in leather."

Seriously disturbed by the conversation taking place among the mothers, Max and Sean slinked back to their seats with hands covering their eyes. Plopping down in the chair, Max said, "What happens in Shirley's stays in Shirley's."

"Agreed," Sean said falling into his chair.

"Everyone stay where you are!"

Max looked at the door and said, "It just gets better and better. Now the police are here."

The women scrambled back into the dressing rooms. A police officer approached Sean and Max. He asked, "What happened here?"

"A troll appeared over there," Sean answered pointing towards the back of the store, "and left the mall over there."

"A troll?" the officer asked studying the path of destruction that led through the store.

"Yes," Max said nodding his head. He realized that he could always claim insanity. He'd already been in the hospital once and wasn't too worried about visiting there again. They would just increase his medication.

In a rather skeptical tone of voice, the officer asked, "Would you mind describing this troll?"

Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, Sean said, "If he were to stand up straight, he'd be about your height. He was wearing a loincloth. He's got tufts of black hair sticking out in patches on the top of his head. His face is so ugly that it could curdle milk. He's got a hook nose the length of a small banana. He's got gnarly arms the size of tree trunks and feet about the size of skateboards."

"You don't say?" the policeman asked while reaching for his handcuffs.



-------

Chapter 34


After giving Suzie a goodbye kiss, Sean stepped out of the car holding a huge bag containing his new school clothes. He watched the car pull out of the driveway. Tired, he headed to the front door thinking that he would take a nice long nap. Stepping in the house, he found Lily, his father, and Mr. Emery watching baseball on television. Pasting a smile on his face, he said, "Hello, everyone."

"Hello, Sean," Lily said with a smile.

His father said, "Hi, son. I heard there was a little excitement at the mall."

Mr. Emery looked at Sean through narrowed eyes and growled.

Glancing over at Mr. Emery, Sean swallowed and then said, "Yes. A troll tore up the store. The police didn't believe me until the troll stomped a police car into a pancake outside the mall."

"We saw it on television," his father said.

Nodding her head, Lily said, "That troll was real ugly."

"Stomp was a nice enough fellow when I talked with him," Sean said. He looked over at Mr. Emery and smiled at him. He received a growl in return.

"I guess appearances can be deceiving," Lily said. She smiled and said, "He looks kind of strong. I like strong boys."

"You can date when you're fifty," her father said automatically.

"I'm going to be a cheerleader when I grow up," Lily said crossing her arms.

"No you're not," Sean said automatically.

Looking at Lily, her father said, "You and I are going to have a long talk about boys later."

"You tell her, Dad. Young girls need a strong hand from their fathers when it comes to dealing with boys," Sean said.

"You're right," his father said.

"I wouldn't trust any boy that came around here to see Lily. You don't know what they're like," Sean said. He felt pretty good until he glanced in Mr. Emery's direction. He mumbled, "I've got to learn to keep my mouth shut."

Mr. Emery growled while looking at Sean.

Sean swallowed heavily and decided that a change in subject was needed. Trying to sound as enthusiastic as possible, he said, "So what do you think of those Democrats, Mr. Emery?"

"I'm a Democrat," Mr. Emery said.

"So you must really like Democrats," Sean said thinking he could have picked a worse topic.

"Not really," Mr. Emery said.

"So what do you think of those Republicans?" Sean said forcing a large smile on his face.

"I'm also a Republican," Mr. Emery said.

Sean's smile faltered for a second. He said, "What do you think of those Independents?"

"I am an Independent," Mr. Emery said enjoying watching Sean sweat.

"Green Party?"

"Yes, I'm a member."

"Anarchist Party?"

"Member in good standing."

Sean looked around for a second trying to come up with something to say. Finally, he said, "You have pretty diverse political views."

"Not really."

"You're not making this easy," Sean said still trying to keep a smile on his face.

"That's right," Mr. Emery said.

"Oh, boy," Sean said. He looked to his father and asked, "Any suggestions?"

"You look like you're doing fine, son," his father answered sitting back in his chair with his hands behind his head. He had a big smile on his face. He remembered having a few discussions just like that with his father-in-law.

"Appearances can be deceiving," Sean said looking over at Mr. Emery with a worried expression on his face. The man looked even angrier than when he had come home.

His father said, "Mrs. Michaels didn't raise a fool. I'd never step in between a father and his daughter's boyfriend. That's a real good way to get hurt."

Sean muttered, "I wish I had to go to work now."

"What was that?" his father asked.

"I was just thinking about work," Sean said.

Mr. Emery patted the couch next to him and said, "All work and no play can make Sean a very dull boy. Come here. Have a seat and watch the game."

"Uh, who is playing?" Sean asked thinking that sitting next to Mr. Emery would put him within arm's reach. He wasn't sure that was such a great idea. In fact, he was pretty sure that it was a very bad idea.

"I wouldn't worry about little details like that if I were you. It doesn't matter," Mr. Emery said.

Impressed, Lily said, "Isn't Mr. Emery a nice man? Suzie wants you to do perverted things with her and he invites you to sit next to him."

Sean suddenly became a firm believer in the virtue of cowardliness. It was time to retreat. Lifting his bag containing his school clothes, Sean said, "Let me put these away and I'll join you in a bit."

His father rose from the couch and took the sack from his hands. Patting Sean on the shoulder, he said, "That's okay. I'll take them upstairs for you."

"I'm not going to get out of this, am I?" Sean asked.

"That's right," his father answered thinking that Sean looked a lot like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck. Turning to look over at Mr. Emery, he asked, "Would you like another beer?"

Mr. Emery said, "Sure, I'd love one."

Edging over to the couch, Sean asked, "Will you promise me one thing?"

"What?" Mr. Emery asked.

"Will you ask Lily to leave the room before the blood starts to flow," Sean answered. He sat down and flinched when a hand settled on his shoulder. He glanced at the hand thinking that it was pretty close to his throat.

"Good idea," Mr. Emery said with a grin. Looking over at Lily, he said, "Lily, why don't you help your daddy take that stuff up to Sean's room?"

Lily went over to her father and said, "Isn't that nice? They want to be alone while they play together."

"Very nice," Sean's father said leaving the room.

After Lily left the room, Mr. Emery looked over at Sean. He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. To Sean, it kind of sounded like a bull snorting before it charged. Mr. Emery asked, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Sean was definitely not expecting a question. Pretty sure that it was a trick question, Sean answered, "I bleed pretty easily."

"I'm talking about you and Suzie," Mr. Emery said shaking his head.

"I'm crazy about her," Sean said hoping that was the right answer. He wondered if there was a book to read that would allow him to prepare for tests like this. If not, someone should publish one. He would definitely buy a copy.

"She spent the night with you," Mr. Emery said.

Sean sat there for a moment waiting for the rest of the question. When he realized that there wasn't a question, he wondered if he was supposed to say something. Having heard the breakfast conversation, he knew that it wouldn't do any good to lie. Finally, he shut his eyes, cringed, and said, "Yes."

"Was it your idea?"

Sean nervously licked his lips and answered, "I was in no condition to think well enough to have an idea, sir."

"Were you drinking?"

"No," Sean answered feeling good that he was able to come up with an immediate answer for a change.

"Drugs?"

"No," Sean answered thinking that getting two easy questions in a row was pretty good.

"So why weren't you thinking?" Mr. Emery asked. There was an edge to his voice that sent a shiver down Sean's spine.

Sean blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "She kissed me."

"And?"

"I can't think when she kisses me," Sean said holding out his hands. He knew it was a pretty stupid answer, but it was the truth.

"I remember how that was," Mr. Emery said shaking his head.

"Oh?"

Mr. Emery took another deep breath and exhaled loudly. Sean wished he would stop doing that. It really did remind him of a bull about to charge. Mr. Emery said, "You had better treat her nice. Let her set the pace and don't pressure her into doing anything she doesn't want to do. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, sir," Sean said.

"You do know what is going to happen to you if you hurt her?" Mr. Emery asked.

Sean was glad to have another question that he knew how to answer, despite the fact that he didn't like the answer. He said, "Mrs. Emery will take me to the vet. You will cut me up into little pieces and feed me to the troll."

Mr. Emery looked at Sean wondering what threats his wife had used on him. Curious, he asked, "What is going to happen at the vet?"

"He's going to cut my balls off," Sean answered squeezing his legs together. Just saying it was painful enough.

Mr. Emery smiled and said, "I didn't even think of that. Taking you to the vet now would eliminate all of my concerns."

"Why did I know you would say that?" Sean asked shaking his head.

Mr. Emery said, "Maybe there's hope for you yet."

Sean's father returned to the room and asked, "Is everything worked out?"

"Yes," Mr. Emery said.

"Yes," Sean said feeling somewhat relieved. He figured that he could live with threats with much greater ease than a broken body.

"Good," Sean's father said handing a beer over to Mr. Emery.

Lily looked at Sean and said, "No blood. I was kind of wondering what you'd look like all beaten and battered."

"I would have been red," Sean said rolling his eyes.

"Who's winning?" Sean's father asked gesturing to the game.

"Mr. Emery is," Sean said gesturing to the man seated next to him.

"Not so dumb after all," Mr. Emery said with a chuckle.

"So did you go to Shirley's Treasures with Suzie?" Lily asked brightly.

"I don't want to talk about it," Sean said shaking his head. He really wanted to get some tape and tape her mouth shut. A few more questions like that and he'd be visiting the vet.

Sean's mother chose that moment to arrive home from Suzie's house. She held up the bag with the Shirley's Treasures label on it and said, "Look at where we've been."

Sean was getting convinced that the universe was out to get him. He slumped in his chair and moaned. He mumbled, "Just when I thought I was going to live."

"Oh, nice," Sean's father said sitting up straighter. He was more than a little curious about what was in the bag.

"You were at Shirley's Treasures?" Mr. Emery asked looking over at Sean.

"I didn't do anything," Sean protested.

"Why don't I believe that?" Mr. Emery asked. He had once gone to a lingerie store when he was dating and lots of things happened as a result of that little visit.

Sean gestured to his mother and said, "She was there. Mrs. Emery was there. Mrs. Baxter was there. Everybody in the whole neighborhood was there. It was like a block party. There was even a troll there. The only ones not there were you and dad."

"A party?" Mr. Emery asked fighting to keep from smiling.

"Max and I just sat there trying to look small," Sean said.

"Max?" Sean's father asked.

"Clea was there too," Sean said. Thinking about it, his whole visit to the temple dedicated to making women look sexy had not been that much fun.

"You should see what your wife bought," Sean's mother said with a smile.

"Oh yeah?"

"Real sexy," Sean's mother said seeing that she had his full attention. She added, "I think there was even some material missing in the crotch area."

Mr. Emery stood up and said, "I better be heading home, now. I've probably over stayed my welcome. I really should leave. I'd hate to be a bad guest by overstaying. I really must go now."

"Sure," Sean's father said eyeing the bag his wife was holding.

Mr. Emery fled the room. Sean wondered if he should have used that line on Mr. Emery upon arriving home. His whole return home would have been very different if he had. He looked at the front door and said, "He sure was in a hurry to leave."

Turning back to face the rest of the room, he discovered that his mother and father had left the room. Sean and Lily were left in the living room looking at each other. Lily said, "I'd rather watch cartoons."

"Me too," Sean said after glancing at the television. He still didn't know who was playing.

"The rabbit?" Lily asked.

"Why not?"

Lily put the cassette into the VCR and then sat down on the couch next to Sean. She said, "I like watching cartoons with you."

"Same here," Sean said. It was definitely much better than talking with Mr. Emery.

"So did you do perverted things with Suzie?" Lily asked.

"No," Sean answered.

Lily said, "From the way Dad and Mr. Emery were talking, it sure sounded that way."

"I'm sure it did," Sean said.

"So did Suzie give you a fashion show?" Lily asked.

"What's with all of the interest in me and Suzie?" Sean asked wanting to deflect the question.

"I'm just curious," Lily answered.

"Curiosity killed the cat," Sean said.

"Have you got something against cats?" Lily asked.

Sean laughed and said, "I've just been about around Mrs. Emery too much."

Suzie glanced over at the television and said, "This is funny. The rabbit is talking to the hunter. He's going to dive into the hole and then move it to the side so that hunter dives into the ground."

"You don't say," Sean said.

"See," Lily said pointing to the screen.

"That's funny," Sean said. He put an arm around Lily and hugged her to him. A few minutes later he was sound asleep.

The next thing Sean knew was his mother calling out, "Dinner is ready."

He woke with a start wondering how long he had been asleep. Getting up from the couch, he stretched and yawned. He made his way to the dinner table. His mother had made a nice barbecue brisket in the crock pot. His stomach rumbled at the idea of eating it. He was the last one to the table and sat down.

While the plates were passed around, his mother said, "Suzie was really impressed with how you defended her honor."

"Oh," Sean said. He had kind of forgotten about that in all of the excitement that resulted from the appearance of the troll.

"He defended her honor? What happened?" his father asked.

"I'd rather not talk about it," Sean said losing his appetite. It was a shame because barbecued brisket was one of his favorite meals.

Ignoring him, his mother said, "Well, I must admit that the story was a little confusing. It appears that Sean ordered a bra to pick up a paddle and spank the girl who called Suzie a slut."

"Huh?" his father asked puzzled by the explanation.

"Uh oh," Sean said. He held up a hand to his ear and said, "I think the Dwarves are calling me. Better go see what they want."

"A bra?" Lily said clueing into the one word that interested her.

"Yes, a bra. It appears that Sean has the ability to make things do what he wants them to do," his mother said. Smiling at Sean, she asked, "Did I get that right?"

Wanting to avoid answering the question, Sean took a bite of his barbecued brisket thinking it would give him a chance to come up with a reasonable answer. Tasting the food, he frowned. He said, "This tastes funny."

"Don't change the subject," his mother said.

"If you don't believe me, then taste it yourself," Sean said pushing the plate away.

"What?" his mother asked looking at the slices of brisket on her plate.

"It tastes kind of sour," Sean said.

His father tasted the brisket and grimaced. He said, "Sean's right."

His mother tasted it. She made a face and then pushed the plate away. Shrugging her shoulders, she said, "The store was out of regular brisket so I used corned beef brisket. I guess they aren't the same thing."

"They aren't," Sean said.

"I know that now," his mother replied.

"So what are we going to do for supper?" Sean asked.

"We'll go to the Surf and Turf," his father answered.

"After you tell us about how you can order stuff to do things," his mother added looking across the table at him.

With three pairs of eyes staring at him, Sean knew that he wasn't going to get out of telling them. He looked at the napkin in his hand and then threw it up in the air. He said, "Dance."

The napkin danced around in the air. Everyone except Sean watched it. He said, "You can't tell anyone. I'm pretty sure that I'd end up locked away in the lab of some mad scientists."

"You're right," his father said watching the napkin.

"Cool," Lily said obviously impressed. "Do you think they'd operate on your brain?"

"Probably," Sean said.

"I'd like to see that," Lily said with an excited grin on her face.

"No you wouldn't," Sean's mother said frowning at Lily.

Sean's father watched the napkin dance wondering how one discovered that they had that talent. He asked, "When did you learn that you could do that?"

"It was a magic gift from the Dwarves," Sean answered.

"Oh," his father said looking in the direction of the backyard. It seemed to him that the Dwarves were behind a lot of the things that happened around Sean. He was impressed that Sean's truck ran off of water.

"When did you get that gift?" his mother asked suspecting that she knew the answer.

"That day I got into the fight with Max," Sean answered.

Nodding her head, his mother said, "That makes sense."

Sean's father asked, "So are there any limits to what you can do?"

"I can only directly control things that weight less than a couple of ounces. I have to be able to see it in order to control it. I can't move air or anything like that," Sean answered with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Oh," his father said thinking about it.

"Lift the glass," Sean said pointing to his glass of milk. "I can order light things to move heavier things for me."

The napkin swooped down and wrapped around the glass. It lifted the glass up in the air. The glass hung in the air for a second and then slipped down. Milk went everywhere when the glass hit the table. He shrugged and said, "It isn't perfect."

His mother stared at the mess. She said, "You can say that again. You better clean that up."

Sean shrugged his shoulders and sent a dozen napkins to clean up the spill. While everyone stared at the napkins moving around the table, he said, "I kind of have to carry stuff around with me that I can use. If I had a pair of rubber gloves, the glass wouldn't have slipped out."

"That explains why you bought those pants with all of those pockets," his mother said. She had thought he was crazing getting pants with pockets everywhere. This little revelation cleared a lot of things up in her mind.

"What kind of stuff?" his father asked.

"Little pieces of cloth, string, wire, a razor blade, gloves, and marbles," Sean answered. He actually had a pretty good collection of stuff on his desk, but he could only carry a small fraction of it with him. He added, "I figure that it wouldn't hurt to be prepared for anything that might happen."

"Marbles?" his father asked.

"I can launch a marble like a bullet," Sean answered.

Lily frowned and said, "I think Mr. Emery is pretty lucky that he didn't hit you. I think you could have really hurt him."

"I couldn't do that," Sean said.

"Why not?" Lily asked.

Sean noticed that his mother and father were paying close attention to him. He answered, "He's Suzie's father. I wouldn't hurt him."



-------

Chapter 35


Trying to look like a professional, Mr. Kindle stepped into the classroom and made his way to his desk. Once there, he sat down and opened his roll book. He had dreams of teaching these young kids the thrill of history. He read out the first name, "Max Baxter."

"Here," Max said.

One of the kids in the class snickered and said, "His name is Mad Max. He's so crazy they had to lock him away this summer."

Sean sent a piece of chalk to hit the kid in the back of the head. The kid jumped and asked, "Who threw that?"

Mr. Kindle said, "Be quiet everyone."

"Susan Culbertson," Mr. Kindle said continuing to call the roll.

"Here," Susan answered in a bored tone of voice. She didn't want to be in school and wasn't afraid of letting anyone know that.

Sean was seated right in front of Mr. Kindle. He shifted excitedly waiting for his teacher to reach his name. He really enjoyed the first day of school. Mr. Kindle looked up and shook his head. He called out the next name, "Susan Emery."

"Here," Suzie said.

Reaching over to her, Sean patted her hand and said, "That was masterfully stated."

"Thank you, Sean," Suzie said with a grin.

"Be quiet everyone," Mr. Kindle said. He called out the next name, "Sid Eddings."

"Here," Sid said.

"His name is Sad Endings," one of the kids said with a snicker. Sean turned around and sent another piece of chalk towards the back of the kid's head. The boy jumped and asked, "Who keeps throwing things at me?"

"Sean," Debbie said looking over at him with an expression of fear on her face.

"Don't be ridiculous. Weird Sean is sitting in front of me," the kid said.

"Be quiet class," Mr. Kindle said. He continued reading the roll until he reached one name on the list. All of the teachers had warned him about this student. They said that he was way too smart and a lot of trouble. He considered skipping the name, but had a feeling that wouldn't help. He looked up and saw Sean wiggling in his seat. He said, "Sean Michaels."

Sean stood up and said, "Sean Connery Michaels, also known as Agent Double-o Zero, present and accounted for, sir."

While the class laughed, Mr. Kindle said, "A simple 'here' would suffice."

The kid in the back of the class was about to make a comment when a ball of paper flew in his mouth. He looked around wildly looking for the culprit responsible, but everyone was laughing at Sean. He reached up and pulled the wad of paper from his mouth.

"Forsooth! It would be a shame to give such a dull answer on such an exciting occasion. I have been looking forward all summer to the chance of listening to you tell about your conversations with great writers such as Shakespeare, Milton, and Mark Twain," Sean said gesturing in the air with a pointed finger.

"This is a history class, not literature," Mr. Kindle said rubbing his forehead. He wondered where a kid his age would even hear the word 'forsooth' much less use it.

"Ah! That is even better. I want to hear all about your childhood in ancient Greece. Was Socrates really so smart? I'm sure that your first hand experiences at the Battle of Troy will make those times come alive for us," Sean said. He flashed a smile at Mr. Kindle.

The other teachers had warned him, but he hadn't really believed it. He stared at Sean and said, "That was more than two thousand years ago."

"Wow and to think you knew those folks. I bet you have a lot of stories to tell us," Sean said.

"I wasn't even born then," Mr. Kindle said. He really should have brought along a bottle of aspirin.

"Oh," Sean said. He looked around the room and said, "Despite our disappointment to learn that, I'm sure that all of us are looking forward to learning lots of history from you, Mr. Candle."

"The name is Mr. Kindle."

"Oh, sorry about that," Sean said. He sat down and looked directly at the teacher. He flashed him a friendly smile. When Mr. Kindle looked down to read the next name off the role, Sean leaned over to Suzie and asked, "Did I impress him?"

"You definitely made an impression on him," Suzie answered with a giggle.

"Good," Sean said.

The kid who kept making cracks about everyone in the room said, "I bet he offers to pose naked in art class."

Sean sent a piece of chalk to the back of the kid's head. The kid looked around and said, "Stop that!"

"Be quiet everyone," Mr. Kindle shouted. He was beginning to regret his decision to become a teacher and it was only the first class of the first day of school.

"Thomas Westerland," Mr. Kindle said.

The kid who had been making all of the comments looked around suspiciously before he said, "Here."

Closing the class roll, Mr. Kindle said, "Welcome to history. I'm Mr. Kindle."

"You told us that," Sean said.

Looking at Sean, Mr. Kindle said, "You will raise your hand and wait to be called upon before saying anything. Do you understand?"

Sean raised his hand. Mr. Kindle said, "What?"

"Yes," Sean said lowering his hand.

Mr. Kindle stared at Sean for fifteen seconds and then shook his head. He said, "You can answer without raising a hand when I ask you a direct question. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand," Sean said shaking his head in the negative.

"Do you have something else you wish to say?" Mr. Kindle asked.

"You should have been a little more explicit in your original instructions. Some of us do know how to follow instructions better than others," Sean said.

Resuming his introduction to his lecture, Mr. Kindle asked, "Does anyone know what the Golden Age was?"

Sean raised his hand and grunted, "Oh, oh!"

When no one else raised their hand, Mr. Kindle said, "Sean."

"1849! They discovered gold in California. Everyone on the East Coast ran over there and dug up the whole state. All of that added weight from the people and the fact that they had dug all of those holes caused California to break. Since then, the state has been plagued with earthquakes," Sean answered.

"That's not what I meant," Mr. Kindle said.

Sean shook his head and said, "You must mean the Golden Age referred to by the ancient poets as a time in their history when it was all peaceful and everything."

"That's right," Mr. Kindle said surprised that Sean had known that.

Sean said, "That isn't history, that's mythology. You must admit that it is a stretch of the imagination to consider mankind as ever existing in a state of purity with men being immortal. Of course, the Greeks were pretty good at mythology. So were the Romans, come to think of it. Even Hollywood is pretty good at it."

"Uh, yes," Mr. Kindle said surprised that Sean had actually known the right answer.

"You know that the Golden Age was the highest age of the Iron, Heroic, Bronze, Silver, and Golden ages written about by Hesiod. Of course, the Romans had their own version that was written by Ovid, but it only had four ages. He left out the Heroic age. Go figure. I'd be remiss if I failed to mention that the names of the Gods in Ovid's version were all different from those in Hesiod's version," Sean said.

"I was going to explain that," Mr. Kindle said shocked that anyone in this town even knew the name of Ovid, much less Hesiod.

"Pity they didn't know about platinum. Can you imagine what that age would have been like," Sean said.

"We're going to talk about the Golden Age," Mr. Kindle said. He looked down at his carefully prepared lecture realizing that Sean had already torn it to shreds. It was going to start with an introduction of Hesiod and introduce the five ages of mankind. He even had a little digression about Ovid's version. He was going to use that as a platform from which to introduce the modern ages of history.

"I'd rather talk about the Gold Rush," Sean said. He smiled and added, "I have a bit of interest in finding some gold."

"Same here. I heard that one of my ancestors went to California during the gold rush," Sid Eddings said.

Tom Westerland said, "Shut up, Sad Endings. If you are so interested in your ancestors, why don't you search through all of the massage parlors in town? I'm sure that you'll find your father, Happy Endings, in one of them."

Sean sent another piece of chalk at Tom. Rubbing the back of his head, Tom shouted, "Who keeps throwing things at me?"

"It is Sean," Debbie said pointing at him from across the room. She was seated as far from him as was possible. Fortunately, that also put her close to the door in case she had to make a run for it. She twitched when Sean looked in her direction.

Tom snorted and said, "Don't be such a dumb blond, Barbie. Weird Sean is all the way over there. I can see him and he's not doing anything."

"I'm not blond and my name isn't Barbie," Debbie said. Her eyes got big when she saw a piece of chalk sneak up on Tom and then launch itself at the back of his head.

"Who's doing that?" Tom shouted.

"Be quiet class," Mr. Kindle said. He wondered if he had any of the pink stuff. His breakfast was sitting pretty heavily in his stomach. He went over to the blackboard and wrote the name 'Hesiod' on it. He said, "The Greek poet, Hesiod, wrote about the five ages of mankind."

Sean leaned over to Suzie and said, "They say that repetition is a good pedagogical methodology."

"You don't say," Suzie said.

Nodding his head, Sean said, "I say that repetition is kind of boring. It is no wonder that most people don't like history."

Mr. Kindle rubbed his forehead. He looked up to find Sean with his hand raised. Knowing that he was going to hate himself, he asked, "Do you have something to say, Sean?"

"Are you feeling okay?" Sean asked.

"Why do you ask?" Mr. Kindle asked thinking he had only five more classes to go.

"Well, I'm concerned about you. You keep rubbing your forehead like you have a headache," Sean said.

"I do feel one coming on," Mr. Kindle said.

Sean reached into one of his pockets and pulled out a bottle of aspirin. He asked, "Would you like one?"

"Yes," Mr. Kindle said holding out his hand.

"Teaching must be a very stressful profession. All of our teachers get headaches with great regularity," Sean said dumping two of the pills into Mr. Kindle's hand. He added, "It makes you wonder why anyone would want to be a teacher."

"That thought has passed through my mind several times today," Mr. Kindle said. He popped the two pills in his mouth and chewed.

"Didn't you want some water with that?" Sean asked.

"That's okay," Mr. Kindle said. He looked up at the clock and shook his head. With this being the first day of class, they only had half classes. He'd already used up all of his time. Even as the bell rang, he announced, "Tomorrow we'll revisit the ancient ages of mankind and look at the modern ages of mankind."

Sean stood up and said, "That was pretty close to a good lecture, Mr. Kinders."

"The name is Mr. Kindle."

"Oh, sorry," Sean said. He put an arm around Suzie and said, "We've got history next."

"English," Suzie said shaking her head.

"That's right. We've got Ms. Woodhill," Sean said brightening. "I like her."

"She likes you," Suzie said. Shaking her head, she said, "She really likes you."

"I don't think Mr. Kindling likes me," Sean said.

"That's Mr. Kindle," Suzie said.

Sean shook his head and said, "I'm going to have to get better at remembering people's names."

Suzie said, "That would be a good idea."

Walking towards the door, Sean said, "You know. They just don't pay teachers enough for what they have to put up with. Could you imagine teaching a whole class full of people like us?"

"Oh God," Mr. Kindle said feeling dizzy at the idea. He looked over at the stack of books and realized that he had forgotten to hand them out to the students.

"You're right," Suzie said with a laugh. She looked over her shoulder and saw Mr. Kindle shaking his head.

Stepping out of the room, Sean noticed the principal standing around the door. He said, "Hello, Principal Charmers. How are you doing today?"

"I'm doing fine, Sean," Mr. Charmers said with a smile.

"Enjoying the first day of school?" Sean asked.

"Yes, I am. You seem to be much more excited than usual," Mr. Charmers said.

Sean said, "My girlfriend convinced me that I didn't have to put up with abuse from anyone."

Looking at Suzie, Mr. Charmers said, "So you finally got him."

"Yes, I did," Suzie said.

"You knew?" Sean asked looking over at the principal.

"You bet," Mr. Charmers said. He grinned and said, "No Public Displays of Affection. I'd hate for our best student to end up in trouble."

"Don't worry Principal Charmers. I'll keep Suzie out of trouble," Sean said hugging her protectively.

"I'm not the one he's worried about," Suzie said rolling her eyes.

"You're the best student," Sean said.

Suzie rolled her eyes and said, "You have a perfect GPA."

"You've got the second highest GPA and you're pretty," Sean said.

"You are our two best students," Mr. Charmers said shaking his head.

Sean said, "We have Ms. Woodhill for our next class."

"She really likes you," Mr. Charmers said. A lot of people thought she was a flighty woman, but she really knew literature and enjoyed students with lots of imagination. Sean was her perfect student.

"She's a good teacher," Sean said.

After watching Sean walk off down the hallway, Mr. Charmers stuck his head in the classroom door and asked, "How did it go?"

"Is he for real?" Mr. Kindle asked.

"Yes and he's yours for the rest of the year," Mr. Charmers said with a grin.

"I don't know if I can take it," Mr. Kindle said with a groan.

"Just talk to Ms. Woodhill," Principal Charmers said. Of all of the teachers who had ever had Sean in their classroom, the only one who asked to have him in their class a second time was Ms. Woodhill. This was her third year teaching at the school and she'd had him every year.

Sean and Suzie walked into Ms. Woodhill's class. Seeing Sean, Ms. Woodhill screamed, "Oh, there you are my dear boy."

"Suck up," Tom Westerland said glaring at Sean.

"How was your summer, Ms. Woodhill?" Sean asked ignoring Tom.

"It was wonderful. I went to the mountains and just sat there enjoying the view while reading my favorite books for days at a time," Ms. Woodhill gushed. She turned to Suzie and said, "I see that you finally got him. It is so romantic. You'll just have to tell me all about it."

"Will we get to write stories this year?" Sean asked. Ms. Woodhill was the only teacher who actually made him work.

"Of course you will," Ms. Woodhill said.

"I hate writing stories," Tom said. He looked around the room and decided that he'd sit in the back row where no one would be able to throw chalk at him during class without him seeing who did it.

Susan moved woodenly into the classroom and took a seat. She sighed and said, "Oh boy. This is just what I need, another year of school with Ms. Woodhill."

Debbie grabbed the seat nearest the door. If another troll appeared, she wanted to be able to get out of there as quick as possible. She looked over at Tom and said, "Watch out for Sean. He's scary."

"I'll dump him in the trashcan just like I did last year," Tom said with a snort.

"You'll be sorry," Debbie said.

Noticing Sid enter the room, Ms. Woodhill said, "Ah, Mr. Eddings. It is a pleasure to see you again this year."

"Thank you, Ms. Woodhill."

She asked, "Did you find out if you are related to the author who bears your last name?"

"We are not related," Sid said.

"Pity. It would be such a thrill to have a famous author come visit us in class," Ms. Woodhill said. She noticed Max enter the room. Turning to him, she asked, "Will you be taking us to the championship this year, Mr. Baxter?"

"Uh, we came in last place last year," Max said with a frown.

"Through no fault of your own," Ms. Woodhill said. She smiled and said, "You just keep rushing that pitcher and we'll win a game sometime."

"Quarterback, ma'am," Max said.

"Quarterback or pitcher, they both throw the ball," Ms. Woodhill said. She smiled at him and asked, "Who do they have playing goalie this year?"

"I don't know, ma'am," Max said staring at her.

The bell rang and Ms. Woodhill went to the front of the class. She said, "There's no need to take roll since I see that all of the usual suspects are here."

"And we're all acting suspicious as usual," Sean said with a grin.

Ms. Woodhill laughed and said, "Yes, indeed. Now I like to encourage my students to make insightful comments about the material we will cover in class. So if you find something interesting to say about the material, just pipe up."

"Oh boy, I get to talk in class," Sean said rubbing his hands excitedly.

"That's right," Ms. Woodhill said cheerfully. She looked around the room and spotted Tom seated in the back. She said, "And Thomas Westerland, I'll remind you that a nasty comment about your classmates does not constitute a witty remark. It is nasty and I don't tolerate nasty."

She flitted around the front of the room for a few seconds handing out the textbooks. Once that was done, she said, "I saw a most wonderful example of young love just a few minutes ago. Our young Mr. Michaels and the ever lovely Miss Emery have found love. It reminds me of a poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning."

"That one about counting the ways?" Sean asked.

"Exactly," Ms. Woodhill said.

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach, when feeling out of sight for the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee..." Sean recited while looking at Suzie.

"Isn't that lovely?" Ms. Woodhill said with her hands clasped in front of her.

"Oh God. She's got the weirdo spouting poetry," Tom said. He sat back in surprise when a piece of paper flew in his mouth. He grabbed the piece of paper wondering how it managed to fly off his desk like that.

Ms. Woodhill said, "Tom, I warned you. You make one more derogatory comment about one of your classmates and I'll send you to Principal Charmers' office. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes," Tom groused. He looked over at Debbie and said, "He's going in the trashcan."

"You'll be sorry," Debbie said eyeing the door. She'd seen the piece of paper fly off Tom's desk and in his mouth.

"That was lovely, Sean," Ms. Woodhill said when he had finished reciting the poem. She asked, "Do you know any others by her?"

"The one about loving me for love's sake," Sean answered.

"If thou must love me, let it be for nought," Ms. Woodhill said. She smiled at Sean when he nodded his head and said, "You must have read a little over the summer."

"I spent a little time on the internet this summer," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

"While it will never replace the allure of bound paper encased within a leather cover, the internet is such a treasure trove of little things to know. I could spend years traversing from link to link taking joy in never knowing what little snippet of wisdom I'll find next," Ms. Woodhill said.

Snorting, Tom said, "I bet she's looking for pictures of naked men."

Another sheet of paper lifted from his desk and headed towards his mouth crumpling into a little ball as it flew through the air. He covered his mouth with a hand and watched it bounce away. He pointed at the piece of paper and said, "Ha!"

The piece of paper flew in his mouth. Debbie was already out the door. Ms. Woodhill said, "I wonder what the matter with her is? Oh well, she'll be back."

Tom grabbed the piece of paper out of his mouth and said, "There's something weird going on here."

Ms. Woodhill looked at Tom and said, "Quit playing around, Tom."

"I'm not playing," Tom said glaring at the piece of paper in his hand.

Ms. Woodhill looked at Suzie and asked, "Does he recite little love poems to you, my dear?"

"Uh, no," Suzie said. She hadn't really thought about asking him to do that.

"Pity. You must train him better than that. There's nothing quite so romantic as having a young suitor on bended knee declaring his love to you through poetry," Ms. Woodhill said holding her hands clasped over her heart. She winked at Suzie and said, "He's still a little malleable at his age."

"I will treasure your advice and put it into practice at the earliest possible moment," Suzie said. She smiled over at Sean and winked.

Tom started to say something and noticed a sheet of paper start to move. He shut his mouth and the paper settled back down. He studied his notepad trying to figure out what was causing it to act that way.

Sean turned to Suzie and said, "Suzie and Sean sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G..."

"Oh that is funny," Ms. Woodhill said laughing.

Suzie rolled her eyes and said, "That is not what she meant, Sean."

"Hey, it was the best I could do on a moment's notice," Sean said.

Ms. Woodhill looked up at the clock and said, "Alas, our time is almost over. I think that we shall have a fun time this year."

"You can say that again," Sean said. He leaned over to Suzie and said, "Now that is teaching."



-------

Chapter 36


Mrs. West looked across the classroom with a frown. It was a small class; only five students had signed up for calculus. This was the smallest class of her entire teaching career. She had been teaching math for thirty-four years and this was her last year to teach before retiring. The chances of finding a jewel in the rough this year was just as bad as they had been the previous thirty-four years. She looked down at the roll and said, "Susan Culbertson."

"Here," Susan said in a bored voice.

"Sid Eddings."

"Here," Sid said staring at the floor.

"Susan Emery."

In a bright clear voice, Suzie said, "Here."

Leaning over to Suzie, Sean said, "That was well said."

"Thank you," Suzie said with a smile.

"Sean Michaels."

Sean stood up and said, "Sean Connery Michaels, also known as Agent Double-o Zero, present and accounted for."

"Do you have a problem?" Mrs. West asked looking at Sean.

"Not really, ma'am. I am relatively problem free," Sean said with a smile.

"Then what was with the excessive response to my calling your name when I'm going through the roll?" Mrs. West asked in a cold voice.

Sean smiled and said, "This is the first day of class and I want to make a great first impression. I'm excited about the chance to learn some math."

"Some math?" Mrs. West asked.

"Yes, ma'am. I think math is really neat," Sean said.

Mrs. West shook her head. She'd heard that kind of statement from mediocre students every year. She said, "We'll see if you feel the same way by the end of the year."

"Are you saying that it is going to be pretty hard?" Sean asked.

"Yes," Mrs. West answered.

"Alright." Sean sat down and leaned over to Suzie. He smiled and said, "This class is going to be so good."

Mrs. West raised her eyebrows and looked at Sean. Parents had wilted under her intense scrutiny. Even other teachers had wilted when she looked at them like that. This kid just smiled back at her. She looked down at her roll and said, "Jerry Walker."

"Here," Jerry said.

Mrs. West stood up to hand out the five text books. She handed the first one to Sean since he was seated directly in front of her. She then handed out the rest of the books to the rest of the students. She had just made it back to her desk when Sean said, "Hey, Suzie. Look at this stuff on page 95. This is so cool."

"That is a limit," Mrs. West said after glancing at the page.

Sean said, "Yeah, I know. You've got to admit that is a pretty neat concept. I mean, finding the value of a function at some point by evaluating it at nearby points is pretty neat. You get ever closer to the answer as the distance between the point you are evaluating it at and the actual point diminishes down to zero. It works even when the function isn't defined at the point of interest. That is so cool. Are you going to teach us about that?"

"Yes," Mrs. West answered staring at Sean.

"Suzie, we are going to have so much fun in this class," Sean said. He hunched over and looked in the book. He flipped a few pages while looking at the equations. He looked up and said, "Hey, it even works when the function is discontinuous. That's so cool."

"Uh, yeah," Mrs. West said staring at Sean for a moment. Frowning, she said, "If you'll turn back to page ten, we're going to review some material."

"Aw," Sean said. He flipped to the correct page and said, "Look at this. Algebra! We had this junk last year."

Jerry sat back and said, "I might as well take a nap for the next two months."

Susan yawned and said, "This is so boring. If I didn't need this class to get into college, I'd be taking art or something else just as stupid."

Mrs. West asked, "Are you saying that you'd rather skip the review?"

"Yes, yes, yes," Sean shouted.

"Sure," Jerry said.

"You bet," Susan said.

Sid said, "Let's get to the neat stuff."

"Okay," Suzie said looking at the book with a small sense of dread. She hoped that she remembered enough of her algebra to get through the class.

Mrs. West flipped forward through the book. She stopped on the third chapter and said, "Let's start on page ninety-three."

"Alright!" Sean said raising his arms in the air.

Thinking this class might be a little different; Susan sat up and looked at the book. She looked over the page and said, "Sean is right. This is interesting."

Sid said, "Wow. There's an elegance to this that is rather surprising."

"You can say that again," Jerry said.

Mrs. West said, "Now if..."

Sean leaned over and pointed to a figure in the book. He said, "Suzie, look at this. See how when you get closer to the target point from above and from below, the function approaches the desired value."

"Yes," Suzie said seeing exactly what he meant.

"Check out the formal definition on the bottom of page ninety seven," Susan said.

"That's the..." Mrs West started to say.

"It says here that this is the delta-epsilon form," Suzie said pleased to discover that all of that algebra was coming back.

Looking up from his sheet of paper, Sean said, "I got the first five problems without much difficulty, but this sixth one is a problem."

Suzie looked over and said, "The answer is eight."

"Oh, right. Stupid me," Sean said erasing his work on his sheet of paper.

Mrs. West said, "Ah..."

"Hey, look at this stuff with infinity on page 105," Susan said.

"You've got to draw some of this stuff to see what's going on," Sid said. He could see that the function was oscillating around some value as the function was evaluated at larger and larger numbers.

Picking up his book, Sean said, "That's easy to solve. Let's go to the board."

"Good idea," Jerry said grabbing his book.

While her five students gathered around the blackboard to work some limit problems, Mrs. West took a seat and watched them correcting each other's work. She muttered, "I spent thirty- four years trying to drag students kicking and screaming into this subject. I must have been doing something wrong."

The bell rang, but the students didn't move from the board. Mrs. West stood up and said, "I hate to say this, but you better get to your next class."

Walking over to her desk, Susan said, "I've got social studies next. I want to die."

"I bet they don't even have any statistics in that class," Jerry said with a groan.

Sean said, "What good is social studies without going into demographic data?"

"Useless," Suzie said packing her book into her book bag.

Sean put an arm around Suzie and said, "This is going to be a fun class."

"I think so," Suzie said.

Walking towards the door, Sean said, "I don't know why everyone says that Mrs. West is a witch."

"Got me," Sid said shrugging his shoulders.

Suzie said, "I think she's a pretty good teacher."

Jerry said, "It's because of that book, The Wizard of Ooze."

Sean asked, "Did you ever read any of his other books?"

"Yes, I read the whole set," Jerry said.

"Compared to all of the others in that series, The Wizard of Ooze wasn't all that great," Sean said.

"You're right," Jerry said.

"See you tomorrow, Mrs. West," Susan said stepping out of the class.

Sean stepped out of class and ran into Mr. Charmers. He said, "Hello, Principal Charmers. I keep running into you after every class. Isn't that a co-incidence?"

"It sure is, Sean," Mr. Charmers said with a smile.

"You don't have to worry about me, I promise not to kiss Suzie in the hallways," Sean said.

"You might not have a choice about that," Suzie said with a grin.

"Oh," Sean said. Looking at Mr. Charmers, Sean said, "Never mind."

"Stay out of trouble, you two," Mr. Chalmers said. He watched the young couple walk down the hall towards their social studies class. He noticed Susan and Jerry arguing while walking down the hallway. It was the first time he had ever seen either of them looking animated. He looked in the classroom and saw Mrs. West seated in her chair. Her hands covered her face and her shoulders were jerking uncontrollably. It looked like she was crying. Concerned, he rushed into the room and asked, "Are you okay, Mrs. West?"

She sat up and uncovered her face. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She grinned and said, "I can't stop laughing."

"What?"

"This has been the best class I've ever taught in my entire career," Mrs. West said. She shook her head and said, "They pushed me out of the way and started working through the book. I never had a chance to say a word and they got through a week's worth of material in a half an hour."

"Oh," Mr. Chambers said.

Mrs. West grinned and said, "The rest of that group's teachers had better know their stuff. Those five will roll right over them. I can't wait to hear the talk in the teacher's lounge."

"Oh," Mr. Chambers said turning pale.

Mrs. West said, "You don't look well. Is something wrong?"

"They are all headed towards social studies," Mr. Chambers said.

"Man-hater Molly?"

"Yes," Mr. Chambers said.

Ms. Hawkins paced across the front of the class scanning the class role. She frowned while looking at the composition of the students. There were more males than females. She was convinced that it was a plot to prevent the women of this class from learning the truth of the woman's movement. If she had her way, Mr. Charmers would be returned to the classroom and she'd have his position. She smiled thinking about the changes she'd make in the school.

Sean entered the room with his arm held around Suzie's shoulders. She was snuggled under his arm with her head on his chest. Seeing the pair, Ms. Hawkins said, "Get your hands off of her!"

"This isn't a public display of affection," Sean protested.

"That's a perfect example of a man subjugating a woman."

Suzie looked over at Ms. Hawkins and said, "I like it when he puts his arm around me."

"We'll see how you feel about having your individuality stripped from you by the end of the year. I assure you that you'll see the situation completely differently," Ms. Hawkins said.

"What?" Suzie asked looking at Ms. Hawkins.

"It is a classic example of an individual's identity being suppressed by a boorish jerk through mismatches in the power dynamics of an interpersonal relationship," Ms. Hawkins said.

It took Sean a second to parse that sentence. He said, "You don't have to stand up for me, Ms. Hankins. I know that she's in total control of this relationship. I don't mind, really. In fact, I rather like it. However, I do take exception to you calling Suzie a boorish jerk."

"She was calling you the boorish jerk," Suzie said rolling her eyes.

"My name is Ms. Hawkins."

"Me?" Sean asked surprised.

"Yes, you," Ms. Hawkins said.

"Wow. No one has ever called me a boorish brute before. My feelings are kind of hurt. In fact, I feel like I should be offended," Sean said looking at Ms. Hawkins.

"You should be ashamed. Strutting through the school claiming ownership of a young woman like that," Hawkins said.

"Gosh, here I thought that I was enjoying the feeling of being close to my girlfriend and that she was enjoying being close to me," Sean said.

"Then you clearly don't understand the social implications associated with male domination of females through ownership gestures," Ms. Hawkins said.

"Obviously," Sean said removing his arm from around Suzie.

Suzie grabbed his arm and put it back over her shoulder. She said, "There's nothing obvious about it."

Jerry's and Susan's argument had slowly gotten louder. Turning to the two students, she said, "Young man, be quiet so that she can explain why you're wrong."

"I'm not wrong," Jerry said.

"Well, I'm not wrong," Susan replied.

Ms. Hawkins asked, "What are you arguing about?"

Jerry said, "I asserted that Heff Hughner contributed more to the women's movement than Gloria Steinfield."

"I said that Gloria Steinfield had a greater impact," Susan said.

Glaring at Jerry, Ms. Hawkins said, "I can set that argument to bed right now."

Irritated, Susan said, "I can prove to him that I'm right without you."

"Do you want to bet?" Jerry asked.

"Yes," Susan said.

"What do you want to bet?" Jerry asked.

"If you're right, I'll buy you a meal at any place you want," Susan said putting her hands on her hips.

"Agreed. Loser buys the winner a dinner at a place of the winner's choice," Jerry said crossing his arms.

Sid asked, "How will you settle that bet?"

Susan said, "We each write a paper supporting our case. The best paper wins."

"Who will judge your papers?" Sid asked.

"We'll let Mr. Charmers decide," Susan said. She looked at Ms. Hawkins and added, "He's fair."

"Agreed," Jerry said with a short nod of his head.

"Let's go to the library," Susan said standing up to leave the room.

"Fine with me," Jerry said picking up his books.

Ms. Hawkins said, "She can go, but you can't."

"Why not?" Jerry asked.

Ms. Hawkins said, "Her research has real merit. You just want to look at pictures that are degrading to women."

"There are articles in Playgent magazines," Jerry said.

"Like a man would actually read the articles," Ms. Hawkins said with a snort of disgust.

"That's enough," Jerry said, "I'm out of here."

Sean watched the two leave the room and said, "Wow. I'd love to have a project like that. I wonder if Ms. Dankins will assign us something like that."

"That would be nice, but I don't think we're going to be that lucky," Sid said looking over at the teacher. She didn't look very friendly. In fact, she was glowering at Sean.

"My name is Ms. Hawkins."

"Odd, I thought you said it was Ms. Duckins earlier," Sean said scratching the side of his face. He looked over at Suzie and asked, "Did I misremember that?"

"Yes," Suzie answered nodding her head.

Sean said, "I'm really going to have to work on remembering names."

Suzie said, "That would be a good idea."

"I do have good ideas on occasion," Sean said standing up a little straighter.

Glancing over at the clock, Ms. Hawkins realized that more than half of the class time had passed without getting the roll taken or the books distributed. She shouted, "Everyone take a seat."

"Where?" Sean asked picking up the nearest chair.

"Huh?" Ms. Hawkins asked looking blankly at Sean.

"Where do you want us to take them?" Sean asked.

"Sit down," Ms. Hawkins said.

Moving over to the desk in front of the teacher's desk, Sean mumbled, "Some of these teachers really need to learn how to give instructions."

Ms. Hawkins started to read the roll. When she reached Sean's name, he stood and said, "Sean Connery Mich..."

"Shut up and sit down," Ms. Hawkins said.

"I haven't finished introducing myself," Sean said looking at her.

"I told you to sit down," Ms. Hawkins said.

"Okay," Sean said returning to his seat. He leaned over to Suzie and said, "This Ms. Cluckins isn't very friendly."

"The name is Ms. Hawkins!"

"You're not helping the situation," Suzie said looking at him.

"I don't think I'm going to enjoy this class at all," Sean said.

"Be quiet or I'll send you to the Principal's office. Do you understand me?" Ms. Hawkins said glaring at Sean. Sean turned and looked at Ms. Hawkins. After a minute passed, she said, "You're supposed to answer me when I ask you a question."

"Make up your mind," Sean said. He leaned over to Suzie and said, "First she tells me to be quiet and then she tells me to talk. I think she wants me to get in trouble."

"That does it. You're going to the Principal's office," Ms. Hawkins said.

Snickering from the back of the room, Tom Westerland said, "Way to go, Weirdo."

Ms. Hawkins looked at Tom. He was pulling a ball of paper from his mouth. She said, "You can go too."

Before Sean had a chance to leave the classroom, Mr. Charmers entered the room. He had run into Jerry Walker and Susan Culbertson heading for the library. He wanted to know why two of the smartest students in the school had already walked out of a class.

"Hello, Mr. Charmers," Sean said, "If this isn't a coincidence, I don't know what is. I was just on my way to see you."

"You were?" Mr. Charmers asked with a frown. He glanced over at Ms. Hawkins wondering what had been happening in the class.

"Yes. Apparently, I've been a very bad boy and have been sent to the Principal's office," Sean said.

From across the room, Ms. Hawkins said, "He's been disruptive in class. So has that other cretin."

"What other cretin?" Mr. Charmers asked in a voice that could have frozen water.

"She must mean Tom," Sean said. He frowned and then said, "Hey, wait a minute. Did she just call us cretins?"

Sid nodded his head and said, "I think so."

"Definitely," Tom said glaring at the teacher.

"First she calls me a boorish brute and now she's calling me a cretin. That kind of irritates me," Sean said looking over at Ms. Hawkins with a frown.

"Return to your seat, Tom. From now on, don't make rude comments about your classmates," Mr. Charmers said.

Sean smiled and said, "I wouldn't worry about that Mr. Charmers. Tom isn't going to bother anyone this year."

"I don't need..." Tom jumped when a piece of chalk hit him in the back of the head. He looked around and asked, "Who threw that?"

Pointing at Sean, Debbie said, "It was him."

Mr. Charmers turned to Suzie and asked, "What did Sean do?"

"Sean was just being Sean," Suzie answered shrugging her shoulders.

"Ms. Munchkins didn't even let me finish introducing myself," Sean said. "I even practiced my introduction in front of a mirror so that I could make a good impression."

"My name is Ms. Hawkins!"

Sean threw up his hands and said, "Every time she says her name, it is something else."

Mr. Charmers looked at Sean and said, "How many times have I told you that you actually need to listen when people tell you their name?"

"Hundreds," Sean answered.

"Did you listen when she told you her name?"

"Um, not really," Sean admitted.

"Now listen to me carefully. Her name is Ms. Hawkins," Mr. Charmers said.

"Like the theoretical physicist except without the 'g'?" Sean asked.

"Yes," Mr. Charmers said.

"Oh, okay," Sean said.

Mr. Charmers said, "Return to your seat, Sean."

"Do I have to?" Sean asked looking over at Ms. Hawkins.

"Yes," Mr. Charmers said.

"Ms. Hawkins doesn't like me," Sean said gesturing to the teacher with his thumb.

Mr. Charmers said, "You have that effect on a lot of people."

"I don't understand why," Sean said shaking his head. "I have dimples when I smile."

"Sometimes dimples aren't enough," Mr. Charmers said with a laugh. While Sean returned to his seat, Mr. Charmers said, "Ms. Hawkins, I'd like to see you in my office after classes are over."

"She's going to get it now," Sean said sliding into his chair.

Mr. Charmers said, "And Sean ... don't talk for the rest of the class."

Sean ran a hand across his mouth like he was zipping it shut. Holding out her hand, Suzie said, "Lock it and give me the key."

Sean locked the zipper and handed her the key.



-------

Chapter 37


"Listen up girls!"

Sean raised his hand. When the coach ignored him, he asked, "What girls?"

"Michaels!"

"I'm not a girl," Sean said looking around at the other guys in the gym. There wasn't a single athlete among them. By and large, they were a pretty scrawny lot, except for the overweight guys. However, they were all male. He said, "I don't see any girls around here."

"Don't be a smart ass, Michaels," the coach yelled getting in Sean's face. He hated lazy kids like Sean who didn't appreciate the character building value of team sports. If he had his way, he would use them all as tackling dummies for the football team.

Sean scratched the back of his head and studied the coach for a good ten seconds. Finally, he asked, "Do you have gender identity issues?"

"What!"

"Well, you can't tell boys from girls," Sean said pointing to the other guys in the gym.

"Sean's dead now," Sid said shaking his head.

"Coach will make sure that he never walks again," Jerry said.

"Michaels, I'm warning you," Coach Slaughter said finding it nearly impossible to keep from striking him. His face turned red and the vein in his forehead started throbbing.

"What did I do?" Sean asked looking at the coach. The man looked like he was about to explode. He covered his mouth and said, "Sorry. I didn't realize you were still in the closet."

"What!"

Sid asked, "Did he just say that coach was gay?"

"It sure sounded like that to me," Jerry said shaking his head.

"I didn't realize you were still in the closet. Don't worry, I'll keep your secret," Sean said.

The whole class laughed until the coach looked in their direction. It got very quiet in the gym. Just about everyone expected Sean would leave class by ambulance except for Sid and Sean. Sid was pretty sure the Sean would leave by hearse. Sean was waiting for the coach to say something.

Coach Slaughter growled. It was a real growl that originated deep in his chest and came out with a low rumble. His fists turned white and his arms trembled while he kept himself from killing Sean. Normally, he would work a kid like this until he couldn't move. Unfortunately, there was no real work out scheduled that day. However, tomorrow would be a different story and he'd be able to drive Sean into the ground. Coach Slaughter said, "Tomorrow, you are going to give me fifty."

"Fifty what?" Sean asked not liking the sound of this.

"Push-ups," Coach Slaughter said.

Sean thought about it for a few seconds with a worried frown. A smile crossed his face and then he said, "I bet I can do more push-ups than you."

"What?" Coach Slaughter said thinking he had misheard Sean.

Pointing a finger at the coach, Sean said, "I bet I can do more push-ups than you."

Coach Slaughter broke out into laughter. The entire class burst out in laughter. The coach was in excellent shape and did a hundred push-ups every morning. He doubted Sean could do ten. He said, "You're on."

"If I can do more push-ups than you, I get to spend the rest of the year in the library and you'll give me an A for the class," Sean said.

"When you lose, you'll do exercises for an hour every day after school," Coach Slaughter said.

"Okay," Sean said.

Sid said, "You're crazy Sean."

"I'll do more push-ups than him," Sean said. The last half of his sentence was drowned out by laughter.

Coach Slaughter shouted, "Listen up girls."

"Uh, coach."

"Shut up, Michaels," Coach Slaughter yelled. He held up the little green gym pants and said, "You are required to show up to gym tomorrow with gym shorts that look like this. They are to be green, just like this one that I'm holding up. You will bring a plain white tee shirt. You will have white gym socks and sneakers. Are there any questions?"

Sean raised a hand. When the coach ignored him, Sean said, "I have a question."

"What is it?" Coach Slaughter asked.

"Those are pretty short. Do they come in a style that comes down to the knee?" Sean asked.

Coach Slaughter shouted, "This is not a fashion show. It is a gym class and you'll wear proper gym attire."

"Why do they have to be so short?" Sean asked.

"Because that is how gym shorts are!" Coach Slaughter looked around the room at the boys watching him. He said, "Every Friday you will take your gym clothes home and wash them."

"What if you're sick Friday?" Sean asked.

"Then you'll take them home Monday night," Coach Slaughter yelled.

"Okay," Sean said.

Sid said, "I think Sean has a death wish."

"He's going to die tomorrow once coach gets him in gym clothes," Jerry said shaking his head.

"Suzie is kind of young to be a widow," Sid said.

"Yeah," Jerry said.

Coach glared at the pair of boys. They did their best to hide. Coach said, "If you fail to wear the correct gym clothes or fail to wash them over the weekend, then you'll have to give me five laps for each infringement."

"What if you're sick Friday? Will you have to do laps on Monday?" Sean asked.

Furious, Coach Slaughter looked at the clock and said, "Everyone get out of here!"

"You didn't answer my question, Coach," Sean said.

"I'll tell you tomorrow," Coach Slaughter said stomping off to his office.

Sid said, "He's going to kill you tomorrow."

"No. I plan on spending the rest of the year in the library," Sean said with a smile.

"It has been nice knowing you," Sid said.

"You can say that again," Jerry said.

"I better head over to chemistry," Sid said.

Sean stood up straighter and asked, "Do you need a lab partner?"

Sid paled and said, "Jerry is my lab partner."

Jerry nodded his head and said, "That's right."

"Oh," Sean said. He headed off to chemistry. Smiling, he said, "Maybe I'll get to work alone."

"Sean!"

Hearing his voice being called out, Sean stopped before entering the chemistry room. He turned around and spotted the principal running towards him. Smiling, he said, "I just keep running into you everywhere I go, Principal Charmers."

"Uh, there's been a slight change in your schedule," Mr. Charmers said. He looked in the chemistry room and saw Mr. Donaldson staring at Sean with a terrified expression on his face.

"What?" Sean asked wondering if he was going to get out of social studies with Ms. Hawkins.

Turning Sean around and stepping away from the door, Mr. Charmers said, "We put you in biology rather than chemistry."

"Oh," Sean said. He looked in the chemistry room wistfully and said, "They got a whole bunch of neat stuff in chemistry. I would really like to tinker around with the chemicals and stuff."

"Well, you tend to be a little enthusiastic at times," Mr. Charmers said with a worried frown.

"At times? I'm enthusiastic all of the time," Sean said.

"A chemistry lab isn't the best place to be enthusiastic," Mr. Charmers said.

"It isn't?" Sean asked looking puzzled.

Mr. Charmers said, "Biology is a little better for that."

"Really?" Sean asked dubiously. He looked across the hallway and through the door of the biology room. He frowned and said, "All they've got are skeletons in there. In the chemistry lab they've got Bunsen burners, pipettes, and chemicals. They've got a lot of chemicals. Some of them make smoke when you mix them together."

"They've got more than just skeletons over in Biology," Mr. Charmers said turning Sean to face the biology class.

"I really had my heart set on chemistry. I really wanted to make water by burning hydrogen," Sean said trying to face the chemistry lab.

A chill went down Mr. Charmers' spine. He glanced over in the chemistry room and saw that Mr. Donaldson was holding up two pipettes in the configuration of the cross in Sean's direction. Mr. Charmers said, "Sean, I know you can keep a secret."

"You bet," Sean said preening a bit. He smiled and said, "The last time someone told me a secret, I kept it for almost three days."

Mr. Charmers grimaced. He was pretty sure that Mr. Donaldson would forgive him. He said, "Mr. Donaldson is of a rather nervous temperament."

"Really?" Sean asked.

"I'm not sure that he could take someone with your level of enthusiasm in his class," Mr. Charmers said.

"You don't say," Sean said. He looked back at the chemistry room. Mr. Donaldson was on his knees praying. Sean frowned and asked, "Do you think he remembers me from ninth grade?"

"He'll never forget you," Mr. Charmers said. He had almost slipped and used the word 'forgive.'

Scratching his stomach, Sean said, "I guess you just don't forget some things like that."

"Not many people would think of seeing what happens when you flush sodium down the toilet," Mr. Charmers said.

"It was a legitimate experiment," Sean said. "I even wrote it up in my lab book before I did it."

"I know," Mr. Charmers replied.

"I didn't think it would cause every toilet to spray water," Sean said.

"I know," Mr. Charmers said. Sean had been lucky that the toilet hadn't exploded.

"I didn't realize he was using one of them at the time," Sean said.

"I know," Mr. Charmers said.

"He shouldn't have been smoking," Sean said.

Mr. Charmers said, "He discovered that in a very painful manner."

Sean said, "It was a tragic accident."

"You convinced me of that. I saw how you had arranged all of those meter sticks to measure any splash made as a result of the sodium," Mr. Charmers said.

Sean was quiet for a moment and then said, "Mr. Donaldson doesn't want me in his class."

"Right," Mr. Charmers said softly.

"I guess I can understand that," Sean said. He looked in the chemistry room and sighed. He said, "So close and yet so far away."

"I know. I'm sure that you'll enjoy Biology. Mrs. Bird is a good teacher," Mr. Charmers said.

"Really?" Sean asked somewhat interested. He looked over at the biology class and said, "Skeletons. I'm not really wild about skeletons."

"I know," Mr. Charmers said. "You'd be doing me a favor."

"Oh, okay," Sean said. He looked over at the Principal and said, "You owe me a pass on one public display of affection with Suzie."

Mr. Charmers chuckled and said, "Okay, Sean. It's a deal."

With one last look of longing in the direction of the chemistry room, Sean shuffled across the hallway to the biology class. He stepped inside and stared at all of the skeletons scattered around the room. Disappointed by the change in plans, he said, "Skeletons. At least they are plastic."

Just after Sean sat down in the one remaining seat, Mrs. Bird waddled into the room. She was a large woman with a broad friendly face. She smiled at the class and said, "Welcome to Biology."

The class looked at her and waited for her to say something else. She sighed and said, "I guess I'll take the roll, hand out the books, and talk about what we'll be doing this semester. Are there any questions before I begin?"

She looked around the room. When no one answered, she went over to the desk and opened her class roll book. She read out the roll one name at a time. Each student answered with a dull here. When she came to the end, she said, "We have a late addition to the class. Sean Michaels."

Sean stood up and said, "Sean Connery Michaels, Agent Double-o Zero, present and accounted for."

"Wonderful," Mrs. Bird said. She smiled at him and said, "I hope that you enjoy this class."

"I don't like skeletons," Sean said looking at the skeletons arranged along the walls.

"Neither do I, except around Halloween time," Mrs. Bird said with a laugh. She looked around at the class and said, "Biology is about living things. I know that most of you are concerned about having to dissect a frog. You'll have a choice of writing a report, dissecting a frog, or raising an animal."

"Really?" Sean asked.

"Yes," Mrs. Bird said. She said, "Since you're standing, why don't you help me hand out the textbooks?"

"Sure," Sean said. While handing out books, he said, "This isn't so bad."

"Hey, Weird... ," Tom started to say. He reached up and pulled the ball of paper from his mouth. He unfolded the ball of paper finding that it was his notes from the last class. Mumbling, he said, "I'm going to have to find out why that keeps happening to me."

One of the boys in the class said, "Sean challenged Coach Slaughter to a push-up contest."

"He did what?" one of the girls asked.

"He called the coach a homosexual and challenged him to a push-up contest," another boy said.

"I heard that he has something on the coach that proves the coach is gay," another boy said.

"The coach is going to kill him," another kid said.

Mrs. Bird looked around the room hearing bits of the discussion and asked, "What are you talking about?"

"Sean called Coach Slaughter a homosexual and challenged him to a push-up contest," one of the students answered.

"Did you do that, Sean?" Mrs. Bird asked with a worried expression on her face.

"Well, I did ask him if he had a gender identity issue since he can't tell boys from girls. I didn't realize he was in the closet. I did bet that I could do more push-ups than him," Sean answered.

"You're dead meat," one of the girls said.

Holding a hand against her cheek, Mrs. Bird said, "Oh, dear. Didn't you know that Coach Slaughter was a gymnast in college?"

"No," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

"He can still do that cross thing on the ring thing," Mrs. Bird said.

"I can still do more push-ups than he can," Sean said unconcerned. He thought about it for a second and then said, "It will probably take more than an hour to wear him down, though."

"What did you bet him?" Mrs. Bird asked thinking that she was going to have to tell Mr. Charmers about this bet right after class.

"If I win, I get to spend the rest of the year in the library," Sean answered with a grin. He gave two thumbs up.

"What if you lose?"

"I have to do an hour of exercise every day after school," Sean said unconcerned with the possibility.

"Sit-ups."

"Push-ups."

"He'll make you duck-walk for an hour," one of the guys said. With the exception of Sean, every male in the class groaned at the thought of that.

"He's going to kill you," one of the girls said.

"At least we'll be rid of one weir... ," Tom said. He pulled a wad of paper from his mouth and muttered, "This is ridiculous."

Debbie pointed at Sean and said, "He's doing it to you."

"I'm going to stuff him in a trashcan," Tom said with a snarl.

"Stay away from him," Debbie said.

Sean returned to his seat and faced the front of the class. Mrs. Bird said, "Like I said before, you don't have to worry about being forced to dissect a frog. You have your choice of a writing a report on the anatomy of some multi-celled organism, dissecting the frog, or taking care of some lower order form of life.

"Last year, one of the students did a wonderful two hundred page report on the anatomy of a spider. It was one of the most fascinating things I've ever read. Of course, you don't have to do a spider, but I would like a rather complete report on whatever you do.

"We had a student who raised earthworms last year. He started with two and ended up with about a hundred. It was really a very fascinating process to watch. Now, I don't want anyone to raise an animal with an endoskeleton. That means no puppies, no kittens, no fish, no frogs, no mice, and no snakes. Anything else is fair game."

"Anything?" Sean asked.

Mrs. Bird said, "Use your imagination."

"Squids?" Sean asked.

"That was an interesting project. We had a kid raise some six years ago," Mrs. Bird said.

Surprised that someone had already done that project, he asked, "Slime mold."

"You could do that, but it would be kind of boring. At lease Cindy found it rather boring three years ago," Mrs. Bird said cheerfully.

"Ameba?" Sean asked.

"That's a fascinating subject. I have a colony of Ameba at home from last year," Mrs. Bird said.

"Bees?" Sean asked.

"I have a hive from last year," Mrs. Bird said.

"Snails?" Sean asked.

"That's been done a dozen times," Mrs. Bird said.

Desperate, Sean said, "Leeches!"

"Five years ago a kid raised a batch of medical leeches."

"Wow, this is going to be tough," Sean said. He found it hard to believe that she wasn't fazed by a single suggestion.

"Are you up to the challenge?" Mrs. Bird asked with a grin.

Sean said, "You bet."

"Excellent," Mrs. Bird said. She looked over at the clock and said, "Well, your half day of school has come to an end. I'll see all of you tomorrow."

Sean sat there thinking. He looked up and asked, "How about flies?"

"That's almost too easy. Every year we've had flies," Mrs. Bird said.

"Cockroaches?" Sean asked.

"I had two kids raise them three years ago. You might remember when they escaped," Mrs. Bird said.

"Oh, yeah," Sean said. He frowned and asked, "How many of these projects have you had?"

"Five classes a year, twenty students per class, and ten years," Mrs. Bird answered.

"A thousand projects?" Sean asked.

"Oh, only a third of the students chose a project and about half of them were unique. Maybe twenty of them were outstanding," Mrs. Bird answered.

"Twenty," Sean said. He rose from his chair and said, "You'll say twenty one next year."

"I think this is going to be a fun class," Mrs. Bird said with a grin.

"Yes. It might not be so bad," Sean said.

Mrs. Bird put a hand on his arm and said, "I'm sorry that you didn't get Chemistry."

"That's okay," Sean said. He looked around to make sure there was no one else around before he added, "I think a lot of people were scared about me being in the lab."

"You might be right," Mrs. Bird said.

A very upset Suzie charged into the room and asked, "Are you crazy?"

"Not the last time I checked, but that was a while ago," Sean answered. He smiled waiting for her to laugh. She didn't.

"Did you ask Coach Slaughter to give you a blowjob?" Suzie asked.

"No," Sean answered disgusted by the suggestion.

"Did you say he was gay?" Suzie asked.

"Kind of," Sean answered.

Shaking her head, Suzie said, "I had such hopes of getting married to you."

"We can still get married," Sean said. He frowned and then asked, "How did that slip out?"

"Not if you're dead," Suzie said near tears.



-------

Chapter 38


Sean reached into one of the dozen pockets of his pants and pulled out a box of bandages. Opening the box, he proceeded to put bandages all over his chest and stomach. Looking down at the patchwork of flesh colored bandages, he said, "I should have gotten the ones with ducks on them."

He put on his bright white tee shirt covering all of the bandages. Thinking about what he was going to have to do a little later, he said, "It is going to hurt taking all of them off."

No one had gone anywhere near Sean in the dressing room while he had been preparing for the challenge. Now that everyone was in their gym clothes, they would sidle past and say something to him. Most of the comments were to the effect that it had been nice knowing him.

Sid walked over and said, "How many push-ups do you think Coach Slaughter can do?"

"I don't know. I guess he can do a couple hundred of them," Sean answered pulling on his gym shorts.

Shaking his head, Sid said, "Last year you managed to do five."

"That was last year," Sean said with a shrug.

Jerry came running over and said, "Half of the school is out there waiting for you."

"I guess I better put on my sneakers," Sean said sitting down on the bench.

"There's still time for you to back out," Sid said looking towards the door. He could hear the noise of the gathered crowd.

"I can't do that," Sean said. He put on his sneakers. They were brand new and he expected that this would be the only time he would be putting them on in the gym. Although he was confident, there was still a small worm of fear in his stomach. He said, "I'll be fine."

He tied the shoelaces saying the little ditty about the Indian, "Build a tee pee, come inside, close it tight so we can hide. Over the mountain and around we go, here's my arrow and here's my bow."

"Do you always say that?" Sid asked staring at Sean.

"No," Sean answered.

Shaking his head, Sid said, "You better tie the bows. You wouldn't want to trip on your laces when you're walking out there."

"That's a good idea. There's not much chance of winning if I happen to break an arm or a leg," Sean said. He tied the laces into a knot.

Sid said, "There's no chance of you winning no matter what you do."

Sean stood up and did a muscle man pose with both arms bent out to the sides and leaning over a bit. He said, "I am ready."

"You're dead," Sid said thinking that Sean looked a lot like a plucked chicken strutting around like that.

Sean walked out to the gym where a huge crowd was gathered. All of the seniors and half of the juniors were there to watch the contest. He looked around at the people amazed that he recognized so many of them. He knew that Suzie would be there, but didn't realize that Mr. Charmers and Ms. Woodhill would be there although he should have guessed that about Mr. Charmers. The real surprise was Ms. Hawkins. She was busy berating Coach Slaughter with some lecture about testosterone driven feats of male domination propagated by older bulls over the younger bulls. Sean tried to follow her logic, but got lost about the time it turned to comments about dominating women. Coach Slaughter was just staring at her blankly.

"Lots of people are here to watch me win," Sean said. Deciding that they deserved a show, he went from one body builder pose to another showing off his great physique. His rather skinny build, thin arms, and scrawny legs did not present the heroic image that he so desired. The effect was almost like a hairless Chihuahua trying to look like a Mastiff. Most of the people laughed and shook their head.

Mr. Charmers stepped over to him and said, "It isn't too late to call this off. Just give me the word and I'll stop it."

"Which word might that be?" Sean asked looking at Mr. Charmers.

"Uh, stop it," Mr. Charmers suggested.

"That's two words," Sean said.

"You're quite right. Just give me the two words and I'll stop it," Mr. Charmers said rolling his eyes.

"I'm ready," Sean said. He looked over at Coach Slaughter and saw that he was doing some warm up exercises.

"Are you sure?" Mr. Charmers said.

"Quite sure. It is time to show the world what Agent Double-o Zero can do," Sean said with a smile. He struck a heroic pose.

"Michaels! Quit playing around," Coach Slaughter bellowed.

"Hold your horses," Sean yelled back. He looked over at Mr. Charmers and said, "I must go."

"Are you ready?" Coach Slaughter said when Sean finally arrived.

"Yes, but first let me apologize. I fear that my little discovery of your gender identity problem has more or less forced you out of the closet. Let me assure you that I didn't say anything to anyone, but the whole school knows it now. I did not intend that to happen and I'm truly sorry," Sean said extending a hand to shake.

Suzie put a hand to her forehead and said, "I told him not to say that."

Coach Slaughter turned red and then purple. He pointed to the floor and said, "Let's begin."

"I take it that you are not accepting my apology," Sean said.

"I am not gay," Coach Slaughter said through clenched teeth and pronouncing each word quite clearly. He looked around and realized that there were too many witnesses to get away with hitting him. He was going to have so much fun with Sean after the kid lost.

Frowning, Sean asked, "So what is it with that whole gender confusion thing?"

"Sean, drop it," Mr. Charmers said.

"Okay," Sean said.

"Let's get this charade over with," Coach Slaughter said.

"Charades? I thought we were doing push-ups," Sean said.

"Michaels!" Coach Slaughter shouted.

"Sorry," Sean said. "I wouldn't have gotten all dressed up in my proper gym attire if I had known we were going to be playing Charades."

"Down on the floor," Coach Slaughter yelled.

Sean got down on the floor to start doing push-ups. Coach Slaughter got down on the floor beside him. Mr. Charmers walked over to stand in front of them. He said, "I'll count out the pushups."

"Okay," Sean said.

"Are you ready?" Mr. Charmers asked thinking this was going to be over in less than a minute.

Sean wiggled around on the floor for a second and then answered, "Yes."

"What was that, an impersonation of a spastic worm?" Coach Slaughter asked staring at Sean.

"Just loosening up a little," Sean answered.

"Let's start. One," Mr. Charmers said.

Sean ordered the bandages to lift him slowly and then to lower him. The effect was that of a perfect push-up. He looked over at the coach and said, "Only a couple hundred more to go."

Mr. Charmers started counting out the pushups. He had figured that they would reach about ten and have to stop when Sean collapsed. At ten, Sean was still doing pushups. He kept on counting until he reached a hundred. Sean was still doing pushups and didn't even look the least bit tired.

The crowd was beginning to make noises. There was the beginning of a chant developing, "Go Sean Go."

Coach Slaughter kept glancing over at Sean. He could not believe his eyes. There was no way that this scrawny kid should be able to keep up with him. Sean would occasionally smile over at him as if this was just a stroll through a park.

"We're going to be here all day at this rate," Sean said, "We can go a little faster."

"Okay," Coach Slaughter said.

Having gotten into a rhythm, Sean was enjoying doing the exercises. After all, the bandages were doing all of the lifting. The hard part was keeping his hands on the floor. Sean started giving his commands verbally, "Up down. Up down."

At five hundred pushups, Coach Slaughter started to feel it. He kept glancing over at Sean noticing that the guy wasn't even sweating yet. A rather sick feeling started developing in his stomach when he realized for the first time that it was possible that Sean would beat him.

Mr. Charmers kept counting out the pushups rather stunned by what he was watching. Everyone else in the room was counting along as well. Ms. Hawkins stood off to the side and said, "Ladies, do you see what happens when men have too much testosterone?"

"Lots of horny women?" Suzie asked.

Mrs. West said, "When I was younger a demonstration like this would have had me hot and bothered."

"Oh, please," Ms. Hawkins said. She said, "Someone should just cut off their balls and we wouldn't have any more of this kind of nonsense."

Suzie looked over at Mrs. West and said, "Isn't Sean cute in those little gym shorts?"

Sid looked at Sean and said, "No."

Looking over at Coach Slaughter, Sean asked, "By the way. How many pushups can you do?"

"I've done over a thousand," Coach Slaughter answered rather surprised that Sean could still talk.

"How long have we been doing this?" Sean asked.

Suzie answered, "Thirty-five minutes."

"We're at six hundred and something. I don't think we'll finish in time for me to make Biology," Sean said.

Mrs. Bird said, "That's okay, Sean."

Sean looked over at her and said, "Oh, hello Mrs. Bird. I didn't realize you were here."

"I was a little late. I stopped to get a donut on the way here," Mrs. Bird said with a smile. She held up a small piece of a donut.

"That sounds good. I might want a donut when we're done here," Sean said looking up at her.

The bell ending class rang shortly after they hit nine hundred pushups. Mr. Charmers asked, "Do you want a break?"

"No," Sean said.

"No," Coach Slaughter said. He was watching Sean trying to figure how that kid could be cheating. He asked, "Did you spend all night breathing helium or something?"

"That's so much fun to do. Your voice gets real weird when you breathe helium," Sean replied with a smile.

"There's something wrong here," Coach Slaughter mumbled. His arms were starting to burn. He knew that the next two or three hundred pushups were just going to get harder to do.

In a loud voice, Mr. Charmers announced, "One Thousand."

"Up down. Up down. Up down," Sean started singing.

"You don't have to be so cheerful," Coach Slaughter said. He was beginning to have problems keeping up with Sean.

"Why shouldn't I be cheerful? I'm going to get to spend the rest of the year in the library," Sean said happily.

Coach Slaughter said, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

"I don't have any chickens," Sean replied.

The most miserable person in the room was Mr. Charmers. His voice was starting to give out on him. He had expected this to end after two minutes and now it had gone on for fifty minutes. He interrupted the count and said, "Would someone get me some water?"

"This is so boring!" Sean said. He hadn't realized that just moving up and down like that would be so mentally tiring.

"Boring?" Coach Slaughter asked incredulously. He almost missed a pushup.

"Who in their right mind would want to do so many pushups?" Sean asked shaking his head.

"It is about pushing your limits," Coach Slaughter said.

"All of that work and nothing gets done. It is a complete waste of time," Sean said.

"It is about being physically fit," Coach Slaughter said.

"That's nonsense," Sean said.

"No it isn't," Coach Slaughter said.

Sean said, "Now moving blocks of stone that weigh thousands of pounds to build a pyramid would make better sense. Not only would you get physically fit, but you would end up with a pyramid at the end."

"It is about being physically active," Coach Slaughter said.

"So is building a pyramid," Sean said.

Realizing that Sean would soon be recommending that they build a pyramid, Suzie asked, "Do you see any blocks of stone around here with which to build a pyramid?"

"No," Sean answered. He did a couple more pushups and then said, "We could order some."

"We don't need a pyramid," Suzie said. She had visions of a pyramid appearing in Sean's backyard.

"You're probably right," Sean said.

"I am right," Suzie said.

"It just seems to me that all of this stuff about running around in circles until you drop to the ground exhausted is just stupid," Sean said.

When they hit 1300 pushups, Coach Slaughter was really feeling it. He looked over at Sean and watched him chatting with Suzie. He knew that the kid's arms should have been feeling like spaghetti noodles by this time. He nearly lost it when Sean said, "I hope that I won't be late to work."

"We'll make it on time," Suzie said rolling her eyes.

"You know, I thought this would only take an hour or so," Sean said. He looked over at Coach Slaughter and asked, "How are you doing?"

"Fine," Coach Slaughter answered between clenched teeth. He wasn't sure how many more pushups he was going to be able to do.

"You're slowing down," Sean said.

"I'm doing fine," Coach Slaughter said glaring over at Sean.

"Another six hundred pushups and school will be over," Sean said.

"You're right," Suzie said glancing over at the clock.

"This is really boring," Sean said.

Suzie looked around the gym and noticed that most of the people had broken into little groups. They were all engaged in little conversations. She said, "You're right. Even the cheering section has gotten bored."

Sean said, "This is really stupid. You can't do anything else while doing a pushup. I don't think it would even be possible to read a book while doing a pushup."

"I bet you could," Suzie said.

"We could try it," Sean said. He heard a groan from beside him and looked over at Coach Slaughter. He asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Coach Slaughter said.

"You know that men your age shouldn't overdo it. You could have a heart attack and die," Sean said.

"Shut up," Coach Slaughter said.

"He's getting a little testy there," Sean said.

"Eighteen hundred," Mr. Charmers announced loudly.

"This is so boring," Sean said stretching out the last word.

"Would you shut up?" Coach Slaughter said.

"Why?" Sean asked.

"I'm concentrating here," Coach Slaughter said glaring over at Sean.

"On what?" Sean asked.

"On doing pushups," Coach Slaughter answered.

"What's there to concentrate on? All you're doing is going up and down," Sean said. He shook his head and said, "If you want my opinion, this is the stupidest exercise ever invented."

"I don't want your opinion," Coach Slaughter said.

Ms. Hawkins said, "I really hate to say this, but I have to agree with Sean."

"See. That didn't hurt," Sean said looking up at Ms. Hawkins.

"What?" Ms. Hawkins asked.

"Agreeing with me," Sean answered. He smiled up at her.

Ms. Hawkins said, "I hated every second of it."

Sean looked around for something to say and noticed his math teacher. He said, "Mrs. West, there's a math problem that has been bothering me for a while."

"Oh? What is it?" Mrs. West asked.

Sean said, "There are more football players than cheerleaders. How is it that all of the football players are dating cheerleaders?"

Suzie giggled on hearing the question. Smiling at the question, Mrs. West said, "That's an easy one."

"Does it involve fractions?" Sean asked with a wink.

"Each cheerleader dates several football players," Mrs. West answered with a grin. She glanced over at Coach Slaughter and swore he just changed colors.

"That's what I thought," Sean said.

Ms. Hawkins growled and said, "Someone needs to talk to those cheerleaders."

"Maybe you should talk to them," Sean said.

"I will," Ms. Hawkins said.

"I think you should also talk to Coach Slaughter," Sean said.

"Why?" Ms. Hawkins asked surprised by the suggestion.

Sean said, "He has a problem telling boys and girls apart. Yesterday, he kept calling us girls. I'm sure that you know all about that kind of gender confusion stuff."

Coach Slaughter suddenly found it was getting a whole lot easier to do pushups. He growled and said, "I know the difference between boys and girls."

"You sure were confused yesterday," Sean said.

Ms. Hawkins said, "He was using verbal abuse to establish a dominant position among the pack."

Sean frowned and said, "Do you mean he was insulting us?"

"Exactly," Ms. Hawkins said.

"Do you mean that he got dragged out of the closet because he was trying to insult us?" Sean asked.

"I was never in the closet," Coach Slaughter shouted. He felt like his arms were about to drop off.

"Oh, so you were openly gay?" Sean asked looking over at the coach.

"I'm not gay, you idiot," Coach Slaughter.

"You're not?" Sean said, "Sorry. I thought you said you were gay."

Coach Slaughter didn't say a word. He focused on doing more pushups. His whole body was about to give out. He looked over at Sean unable to believe that he looked so fresh. His arms started to tremble. He almost failed to get to a full extension. He looked over at Sean realizing that the contest was nearly over. He had three or four more pushups in him.

Sean looked over at Suzie and said, "This is so boring."

Coach Slaughter just couldn't do another pushup. He collapsed on the floor with a groan. Sean looked over at him and asked, "Are you okay, coach?"

"You won," Coach Slaughter said.

"Two thousand one hundred and twenty three pushups," Mr. Charmers managed to squeak out.

"Oh," Sean said still doing pushups. He said, "I guess that means I can stop now."

"Yes," Mr. Charmers said shaking his head. He would have bet his house against Sean ever standing a chance of winning this contest.

Sean sat up and said, "That was fun."

Staring at Sean, Sid asked, "Fun? Do you realize that you would have had to do more than a hundred pushups in every class to do that many pushups this year?"

"Really?" Sean asked. He frowned while thinking about it and then smiled. He said, "I got out of having to run a single lap."

"I hate running laps," Sid said.

Sean stood up, yawned, and stretched. He looked over at Suzie and said, "Well, I better take a shower. We've got to head off to work soon."

"I'll be waiting," Suzie said with a smile.

Coach Slaughter was sprawled out on the floor. He asked, "Could someone help me up?"

Ms. Hawkins bent down and pulled him off the floor. Supporting him, she said, "I can't believe that scrawny little kid beat you."

"Neither can I," Coach Slaughter said.

"I'll get you into the shower," Ms. Hawkins said shaking her head.



-------

Chapter 39


Sean stood under the streaming water of the hot shower hoping that it would remove the glue that held the bandages to his skin. The water had no effect. He reached up and pulled a bandage off. It was like the bandages had fused to his skin. His scream echoed through the room. He shouted, "Oh, that hurts!"

After dancing around the shower for a minute he pulled a second bandage off clenching his teeth to keep from screaming. What came out of his mouth sounded like, "Argh!"

Sitting down on the chair in his office, Coach Slaughter couldn't have lifted his arms if his life had depended upon it. Still unable to believe that he had lost, Coach Slaughter said, "He must have cheated somehow."

"I don't know. He sounds like he is in real pain," Ms. Hawkins said listening to the moans emerging from the shower.

He said, "I'm glad he's in as much pain as I am."

Another moan of pain echoed through the deserted dressing room. Ms. Hawkins said, "I can't believe that he managed to carry on feeling that kind of pain."

"He's tougher than I thought," Coach Slaughter said sliding down out of his chair. He would have hit the floor except Ms. Hawkins caught him.

"At least you aren't screaming like that," Ms. Hawkins said.

Thinking of how sore he would be in the morning, Coach Slaughter said, "Wait until tomorrow."

Another scream echoed through the dressing room. It was followed by a muffled shout, "My chest feels like it is on fire."

"His chest muscles are cramping up on him," Coach Slaughter said sagging over to the side. He just kept falling until his head lightly hit his desk. His eyes closed.

Inside the shower, Sean was staring down at his bloody chest. He had three bandages to remove yet and he wasn't sure that he'd survive it. Closing his eyes and thrusting his chest forward, he ordered, "Off of me."

He screamed a few milliseconds later when the water hit the raw patches of bloody skin that had not departed with the bandages. He said, "That is going to be sore."

Ms. Hawkins stared down at Coach Slaughter. He was wearing tight shorts and a shirt that showed his muscles. She looked around for a moment to make sure no one was around. Licking her lips, she said, "What a hunk."

Sean ended his painful shower and dressed for work. It was time for him to leave, but he wanted to say goodbye to the coach before he left. He swung by the office. As he stuck his head in the coach's office he said, "It has been nice knowing you."

Ms. Hawkins looked at him and said, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I didn't know you were in here," Sean said. He looked around embarrassed and then said, "I would have worn my clothes in the shower if I had known there was a woman in the boy's dressing room."

"I'm sure you would have," Ms. Hawkins said wishing he would leave.

Sean looked at the coach and asked, "Is he dead?"

"No, he's sleeping," Ms. Hawkins said.

Sean looked at the position the coach was in and said, "Someone ought to take him home and put him in bed."

"That's not a bad idea," Ms. Hawkins said checking out the bulge in the coach's pants.

"Should I get Principal Charmers?" Sean asked.

"I'll handle it," Ms. Hawkins said thinking Sean hadn't said whose home and which bed.

"Okay. Well, I'm off to work," Sean said with a smile. He headed out of the locker room and towards the door leading outside from the gym.

"Hello," Sean said upon encountering a couple standing by the door of the gym.

"Hello," the man said.

"Hello," the elegant woman said. She was wearing a translucent gown that revealed enough to suggest more treasures were hidden underneath it.

Sean looked at the tall thin man with silver hair and the very attractive woman holding onto his arm. She actually had golden hair. They had pointed ears. Suspecting that they weren't quite human, he asked, "Who and what are you?"

"Who and what are you?"

"I'm Sean and I'm a human."

"I'm George," said the man. There was a musical sound to his voice as if a choir was singing.

The woman smiled and said, "I'm Georgette."

"We're elves," the man said.

"It is nice to meet you, George and Georgette," Sean said looking at the couple.

"You're a very polite young man," Georgette said.

"Thank you," Sean said thinking that her voice sounded like silver bells in the distance. He frowned and then said, "Although I may risk seeming rude I mean no offence, but may I ask a question?"

"With such a preamble, I doubt I could live without hearing your question. Ask and we'll see what offence is taken or not as the case may well be," George said.

"I never thought of Elves having names like George and Georgette. What's with the names?" Sean asked.

"They are elfin names of long standing and honor," Georgette answered.

"Really?" Sean said in amazement.

George gave a short nod of his head and said, "Yes. Your question bore no offense since it was asked in honest curiosity."

"I learn something new every day," Sean said with a satisfied smile.

George said, "We came back in time to watch the last half of your contest of strength with that muscle man. That was a most impressive victory. Our kind appreciates the subtle use of magic to defeat brutish strength."

"It was well done and with style," Georgette said. She nodded her head towards him in a most regal manner.

"Thank you," Sean said.

"You are a most remarkable man, although there is one thing that puzzles us," George said.

Sean asked, "What?"

Georgette smiled at Sean and said, "I think this is the first time that elves have returned before nymphs."

"Really?" Sean asked. He had wondered when the nymphs would return.

"Yes. Not that I can tell you what you should do, but you might consider spending a little more time helping the young lass over there experience pleasure," George said pointing to Suzie.

Rubbing a finger down George's arm, Georgette said, "All of the men would enjoy the return of nymphs."

"I suppose so," Sean said looking over at Suzie wondering what pleasing her had to do with nymphs.

"We must be off," George said.

"We will meet again," Georgette said before disappearing.

"Good bye," Sean said giving a little wave to the air. He sighed and said, "That's a real nice couple. I guess I better head off to work."

Sean went out to the parking lot heading to where Suzie was waiting for him beside the truck. Before he even got halfway there when he saw the Dwarves were packed in the bed of the truck. He groaned upon seeing the Dwarves and said, "Every time I go for a drive it is the same thing."

Suzie hadn't noticed that Sean was approaching. Facing Chom, she asked, "What do you mean, you want me to drive?"

Gesturing to the others as if to demonstrate that it was a general consensus among them, Chom said, "We think that you might know how to go a little faster."

Nodding his head in agreement, Pip said, "Sean is too slow."

"He's a safe driver," Suzie said. She watched Sean arrive and took his hand when he got close enough.

Grum said, "The problem is that we don't get enough bounce on the bumps."

Sounding disgusted, Agar said, "I even jumped when he hit a bump yesterday and that didn't do any good."

"What do you mean it didn't do any good?" Suzie asked looking over at Sean wishing the Dwarves weren't around. She had been pretty impressed with his feat in the gym and wanted to show him in the most private of ways.

Thur said, "Agar didn't go more than ten feet in the air."

Sean said, "I'm not driving fast so that you can fly out of the truck when I hit a bump."

"We're not asking you to do that," Chom said with a smile.

"You're not?" Sean asked skeptically.

Pointing to Suzie, Pip said, "We're asking her to do it."

"Someone could get hurt," Sean said.

"We're pretty hard to hurt," Pip said.

Chom pointed to Pip and said, "He got eaten by a dragon. That didn't hurt him any."

"I hate dragons," Pip said.

"The point is that you didn't get hurt," Chom said.

"Who cares if it didn't hurt? It wasn't pleasant," Pip said. He turned his head and pretended to spit. He muttered, "Dragons!"

Shaking his head, Sean said, "We've got to get to work."

"Maybe if we delay him he'll drive faster," Agar said.

"That's a good idea," Pip said nodding his head.

"That's a bad idea," Sean said.

"Why?"

"All that would accomplish is for me to be late," Sean said

"You could learn to drive a little faster," Chom grumbled.

Pip looked over at Sean and asked, "Could we borrow your truck while you are work?"

"No," Sean said holding the door open for Suzie. She paused a moment to kiss Sean. All of the Dwarves crowded to one side of the truck bed to watch them kiss.

Watching the kiss heat up, Chom said, "Hey, this is better than getting bounced out of the truck."

"Yes, it is," Pip said trying to move Chom out of the way.

"All we need now is for her to take off her clothes," Thur said climbing up on the roof of the truck to get a better view.

Climbing up on Pip's shoulders, Chom said, "Then there will be the chase."

"Then the catch," Pip said.

Chom said, "The best is what happens after the catch."

"You can say that again," Pip said nodding his head in agreement.

Suzie broke off the kiss and said, "Dream on boys. It is not going to happen"

"Aw," Sean said.

"Not you, them," Suzie said seeing how disappointed Sean looked.

"Oh, okay," Sean said with relief.

Thur said, "I tell you, they are no fun."

"You can say that again," Pip said.

"They are no fun," Thur said.

"You can say that again," Pip said.

Suzie rolled her eyes and said, "Stop that."

"Let's get to work," Sean said. He was still holding the door open for Suzie. She climbed in and he closed it.

Walking around the truck bed so that he followed Sean, Chom said, "You use the pedal on the right to go fast."

"All of the way to the floor," Pip said. He turned to Agar and said, "We should have taken it for more than one test drive."

"You're right," Agar said.

"I'm not driving fast just so that you can fly out of the truck," Sean said reaching for his door handle.

"Just remember, it is the pedal on the right," Chom said pointing to inside the truck.

A minute later, Sean pulled out of the school parking lot and headed down the road towards the Dairy King. He had just gotten the truck up to the speed limit when there was a clunking sound overhead. Sean looked up at the ceiling. He said, "I wonder what that is."

When he looked back out the front window, Chom was upside down looking inside the truck. Suzie screamed. Sean hit the brakes and Chom flew down the road. Sean sat there with his hands tight on the steering wheel watching as Chom rolled a hundred yards down the street. When Chom came to a stop, Sean groaned and said, "I killed him."

"No, you didn't," Suzie said shocked. Her face was pale and her hands trembled. "He's getting up."

Chom walked back to the truck and stopped by Sean's door. He knocked on the door with a loud rap. Sean rolled down his window. Looking up at him with his hands on his hips, Chom asked, "Can we do that again?"

"What?" Sean said.

"That was great," Chom said. Looking up at Sean with a hopeful expression on his face, he said, "I want to do that again."

From the truck bed, Pip shouted, "It is my turn next."

"It is my turn," Thur shouted.

A fight broke out in the back of the truck. Sean looked at Chom and said, "No."

"Why not?" Chom asked.

"You scared the life out of me," Sean answered.

Chom studied Sean for a second. He moved to one side and examined Sean some more. He climbed up on the hood of the truck and looked inside the front window at Sean. After a few seconds he climbed back down to the ground. Finally, he said, "You don't look dead to me."

"I know that," Sean said.

"Then why did you say you were?" Chom asked accusingly.

"I meant to say that you nearly scared the life out of me," Sean replied.

"Oh, that's better. We can't have you dying on us," Chom said.

"That's right," Pip said.

Thur said, "There are still a lot of magical beings to unfade."

"You pull a stunt like that again and I will die," Sean said. He still couldn't get his hand off of the steering wheel.

Chom climbed back into the truck bed, grumbling, "He's no fun."

Sean rolled up his window and turned to Suzie. He asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. He just startled me," Suzie answered. Her heart was still beating a thousand times a minute.

"Yeah," Sean said. He glanced in the mirror and saw that the Dwarves were bickering over positions.

"Let's get to work. You have fries to sacrifice to boiling oil," Suzie said.

"That's what I love about you," Sean said starting the truck back down the road.

"What?" Suzie asked looking over at him.

"You always know what to say to cheer me up," Sean said grinning happily.

Suzie chuckled and said, "We're going to be busy today. Everyone at school said they were going to go over to the Dairy King after you won."

"Busy is good," Sean said. Grinning, he added, "Lots of fries to sacrifice."

There was a tapping on the back window of the truck. Sean looked in the rear view mirror and saw Chom pointing to the floor and mouthing, "Use the pedal on the right."

Sean rolled his eyes and said, "Every time I get in the truck it is the same thing. Go fast. Hit more bumps."

"What can you do about it?" Suzie asked.

"We're going to have to get them a truck of their own," Sean answered.

"That wouldn't be a good idea," Suzie said looking in the back. Thur was walking along the tailgate like a tightrope artist.

Sean heard the sound of a siren and looked in the rearview mirror. He shook his head and said, "I'm going to get a ticket."

The police car roared up to Sean's truck. The officer inside pointed to the side of the road. Sean pulled over. The police car pulled up behind him. Reaching for his license, Sean said, "Your mother is going to take me to the vet."

The policeman approached the car and tapped on Sean's window. Sean lowered his window and said, "Hello, Officer."

"I need to see your license and registration," the policeman said.

"Here they are," Sean said handing them out the window.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" the policeman asked.

"Speeding?" Sean asked. He wasn't sure if the speedometer was actually calibrated or not.

"No."

"Oh," Sean said. He shrugged his shoulders and asked, "Why did you pull me over?"

"You aren't allowed to carry passengers in the back of a pickup truck," the officer said. There was a tapping on his leg. He looked down and saw Chom standing there. Surprised, he stepped back and asked, "What?"

"Do you always drive that fast?" Chom asked.

"Only when I have to catch up to speeding cars," the officer answered. He eyed the little people who were now standing around looking at him.

The Dwarves all looked at each other for a second. Thur asked, "Are there many speeding cars?"

"Yes," the policeman answered wondering what was with all of the questions.

"How fast do some of these speeding cars go?" Chom asked.

"I've pulled over folks going seventy or eighty miles an hour," the policeman answered moving so that he could watch the whole crowd.

"How fast was Sean going?" Chom asked looking back at the others gathered behind him.

"Forty," the policeman answered.

Chom said, "I told you he was a slow driver."

"We all knew that," Pip said.

"I bet you have to go faster than the speeding cars to catch them," Agar said.

"Of course," the policeman said.

"Did you hear that?" Pip asked. "There are lots of speeding cars and he has to go faster than them to catch up to them."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Chom asked.

"I think so," Pip said.

"I'm pretty sure we're all thinking the same thing," Thur said.

The policeman turned to Sean and said, "I'm going to have to write a ticket. You're going to have to go to court on this one."

"I'm definitely going to the vet," Sean muttered.

"What?" the policeman answered wondering if he had heard Sean correctly. He looked up from the ticket he was writing.

"Her mother said that she'd take me to the vet to be neutered if I was driving in an unsafe manner," Sean said pointing over at Suzie.

"Smart mother," the cop said.

"She's evil," Sean said.

Finishing with the ticket, the cop asked, "Is this truck gold plated?"

"Yes," Sean answered. He was asked that question almost every day.

Handing the ticket to Sean, the policeman said, "I'll see you in court. Don't drive with them in the back of your truck anymore."

"Okay, officer," Sean said wondering how he was going to make that happen.

The policemen turned around and saw that all of the little people were climbing all over his police car. He headed over to it shouting, "Hey, get off of my car!"

Sean looked over at Suzie and asked, "What should we do?"

"I don't know. We're already late for work," Suzie said watching the Dwarves argue with the policeman.

"I'll let the policeman deal with them," Sean said feeling a little guilty. He didn't really want to do that to the nice policeman. Looking at Suzie, he said, "They are trained professionals who know how to deal with the public."

"I'm not sure they've been trained on how to deal with Dwarves," Suzie said doubtfully.

Sean said, "I'm sure he'll get the whole thing straightened out a whole lot easier than I would."

"You're probably right," Suzie said.

"Let's get to work," Sean said.

As he pulled away, all of the Dwarves cheerfully waved goodbye to him. He could hear them shouting, "We'll see you around."



-------

Chapter 40


Friday afternoon, Sean was at his desk writing a report on Napoleon when his mother stuck her head in his room. She said, "Chief Fastman is here to see you."

"I wonder what he wants," Sean said looking up from his computer.

"I don't know. Maybe you should ask him," his mother answered.

"Do you think he'll tell me?" Sean asked.

His mother answered, "I'm sure that he will. He came all this way just to talk to you."

"If you're so sure then maybe I should talk to him," Sean said. He saved his report. It wasn't long, but typing all of the references was killing him.

"That would be a good idea," his mother said. She added, "You might ask him if he's seen the Leprechauns. Mrs. Emery and I have had no luck finding them the past two days."

"I'll be sure to ask," Sean said. It had been rather peaceful around the house ever since the Dwarves had gone off with the policeman who had stopped him. The only magic creature that he'd seen since then was the Gnome. He was still standing in the backyard facing the movie screen.

Lily bounded into his room and asked, "Are we going to jail again?"

"I hope not," Sean said rising from his desk.

"I hope so. I kind of enjoy going there," Lily said.

Sean entered the living room followed by his mother and Lily. Chief Fastman looked over at Lily and said, "Hello, Lily."

"Are you going to take us to jail?" Lily asked hopefully.

"No, Lily. I'm just here to ask a favor from your brother," Chief Fastman answered.

"Oh," Lily said unhappy with the answer.

"What can I do for you?" Sean asked pleased to think that the police needed a favor from him.

With a little more desperation in his voice than he intended, Chief Fastman asked, "Can you take the Dwarves back?"

"Uh, why?" Sean asked. He had enjoyed driving around without the Dwarves climbing all over the truck for the past two days.

"Half of my officers are on the verge of nervous breakdowns. Every time they get in their patrol car, a Dwarf gets on top of it," Chief Fastman said. His officers were driving around town like little old ladies.

Sean asked, "Why don't you arrest them?"

"Uh, we did," Chief Fastman answered shifting nervously from one foot to the other.

"So what is the problem?" Sean asked with a frown. It seemed to him that the police should have had everything under control.

Chief Fastman said, "We threw them in the cell last night. When we came in this morning, all of the Dwarves were sitting around the office drinking coffee and eating our doughnuts."

"Did you forget to lock it?" Sean asked.

Looking embarrassed, the Chief answered, "They took it apart. In fact, they took apart both cells. We can't find the bars to put it back together again."

"Oh," Sean said. He looked over at his mother and said, "How embarrassing."

"Were the Leprechauns there?" his mother asked.

"We couldn't catch them," Chief Fastman said looking up at the ceiling. It had been like a scene from the Keystone Cops around the station house. He had personally erased the tapes taken of that little episode.

His mother said, "I've been trying to catch them for months. They are tricky little fellows."

"You can say that again," Chief Fastman said.

"They've got this trick they do with mud," his mother said.

"I know what you mean. I have no idea how so much mud got into the station. It is going to take us a week to clean it up," Chief Fastman said shaking his head.

"It sounds like you've had an interesting couple of days," Sean said scratching the back of his head.

"You might say that," Chief Fastman said. At least they had fared better than over at the town where the mall was located. They'd lost all of their patrol cars to the troll. It appeared that it didn't like police cars. He said, "It could have been worse."

There was the sound of banging from the backyard. It was accompanied by a couple of explosions. Sean, his mother, and Lily looked towards the back of the house. Lily said, "They're back."

"Uh, did you say that they took all of the bars from the cell?" Sean asked. A rather bad idea was forming in the back of his mind.

"Yes," Chief Fastman answered drawing the word out. He afraid to hear what Sean was going to say next. He jumped when there was another bang.

"You're not going to like this," Sean said.

"What?" Chief Fastman asked.

As another explosion went off in the backyard, Sean said, "I think they are building their own car."

"Oh, God," Chief Fastman said going over to a chair and sitting down. He had visions of the Dwarves racing around on their own. It seemed to him that the noise from the backyard was getting louder or maybe it was just the pounding in his ears.

"There wouldn't happen to be an unused road with a good bump in it around here, would there?" Sean asked. The idea of driving on a road with the Dwarves loose scared him more than he was willing to admit.

"There's an old logging road not far from here," Chief Fastman said.

"You might want to show them where it is," Sean said.

"That's a good idea," Chief Fastman said.

Sean's mother looked up at the ceiling and said, "That's a very good idea, Sean. I'll even put some benches there for them to sit on."

Lily looked at her mother suspiciously. She asked, "What are you going to do?"

"I think a little superglue on a chair might hold a leprechaun in place long enough to catch it," her mother answered.

Chief Fastman said, "I don't think that is a good idea. They are tricky little fellows."

"You're liable to find yourself stuck to the seat," Lily said.

"Don't be silly," her mother answered with a dismissive wave of her hand.

The backdoor opened and Chom walked into the kitchen. Sean, his mother, and Lily leaned over to watch him through the living room door. Chom went over to the table and picked up the salt shaker. He turned around and walked from the kitchen. Sean looked over at the policeman and said, "Chom just got some salt."

"What does that mean?" Chief Fastman asked. He jumped when there was a loud bang from the backyard.

"I think it means that they just finished building a car," Sean said.

"I better get out there," Chief Fastman said.

There was another bang from the backyard and the sound of tires spinning. Sean said, "Too late. They're gone."

"I better go after them," Chief Fastman said.

"I wonder where they got tires," Sean said scratching the back of his neck.

Chief Fastman looked out the front window and sighed. He said, "Can I use your phone?"

-------

Saturday morning, Sean was at his desk typing a second report for his history class just in case the first one hadn't been good enough. He was particularly proud of this one. His mother stuck her head in the door and said, "Chief Fastman is here to talk to you."

"I wonder what he wants," Sean said looking up from his computer.

"I don't know. Maybe you should ask him," his mother answered.

"Do you think he'll tell me?" Sean asked.

His mother answered, "I'm sure that he will. He came all this way just to talk to you."

"If you're so sure then maybe I should talk to him," Sean said. He saved his report. It was pretty long, but at least there weren't many references.

Lily bounded into his room and asked, "Are we going to jail?"

"I hope not," Sean said rising from his desk.

"I hope so. I kind of enjoy going there," Lily said.

Sean entered the living room followed by his mother and Lily. Chief Fastman looked over at Lily and said, "Hello, Lily."

"Are you going to take us to jail?" Lily asked hopefully.

"No, Lily. I'm just here to ask your brother some questions," Chief Fastman answered.

"I'm really disappointed," Lily said unhappy with the answer.

"Sorry," Chief Fastman said.

"What kind of questions?" Sean asked wondering what he might know that would interest the police.

Unable to believe the story he had been told earlier that morning, Chief Fastman answered, "I talked to Mr. Charmers this morning."

"How is Principal Charmers?" Sean said.

"He's worried," Chief Fastman answered.

"Why?"

"It appears that two of your teachers disappeared."

"Which ones?" Sean asked.

"Ms. Hawkins and Coach Slaughter," Chief Fastman answered.

"That's odd. They were together when I left the gym the other afternoon," Sean said.

"When was this?" Chief Fastman asked opening his pad of paper.

"Oh, right after winning the pushup contest. I had just finished taking my shower and stopped by Coach Slaughter's office," Sean answered.

"I heard about your pushup contest," Chief Fastman said. According to his timeline, Sean would have been the last one to talk to the missing teachers.

Sean posed like a bodybuilder and said, "It is hard to believe that I was born with such a great physique, isn't it?"

"Uh, yes," Chief Fastman said wondering if Sean was all there. He still couldn't believe what Mr. Charmers had said about how many pushups Sean had done. He shook his head and asked, "Did you talk to them?"

"Well, I talked to Ms. Hawkins," Sean answered.

"Could you tell me what she said?"

Sean said, "I stopped by to tell the coach that it was nice knowing him, but Ms. Hawkins was there. I mentioned something about how I would have taken my shower with my clothes on if I had known that she had been in the boy's dressing room. I remember asking her if Coach Slaughter was dead, but she said that he was sleeping. Then I mentioned that someone should take him home and put him to bed. She agreed with me on that. I asked if I should get Principal Charmers, but she said that she'd take care of it."

"You thought he was dead?" Chief Fastman asked jotting down some notes in his pad of paper. This case was beginning to look a whole lot more interesting.

"He wasn't moving," Sean said. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "He's a pretty active guy and he was just slumped there in his chair with his head on the desk."

"Okay," Chief Fastman said. "Do you recall anything else?"

"No. I went out to my truck and headed off to work with Suzie. That's when I got the ticket for having Dwarves in the back of my truck," Sean answered.

Chief Fastman said, "Speaking of that. We'll take care of that little ticket."

"Really?" Sean asked wide-eyed.

"Yes," Chief Fastman said. He had an appointment with the Mayor that afternoon to ask for some money to replace the jail cell. That was one meeting he was looking forward to with more than a little dread. He mumbled, "The less said about that little incident the better."

"Okay," Sean said.

Chief Fastman closed his notebook and said, "If I have any more questions, I'll come back here."

"Always a pleasure to help out one of our men in blue," Sean said.

"Thank you," Chief Fastman said suppressing a smile.

Sean looked at his mother and, shaking a finger at her, said, "Do you see how nice it is when you cooperate with the police rather than argue with them? He even took care of my ticket. I've talked to Chief Fastman twice now and I haven't ended up in jail. I hope you've learned something from all of this."

"Be quiet," his mother said.

Lily said, "I like going to the jail. It is fun there. They have lollipops."

Chief Fastman said, "I better go now."

-------

The second movie of the night was playing in the backyard. All of the usual suspects were gathered there watching the film. The Dwarves, Leprechauns, Fairies, and the Gnome were in their usual places. They had been joined by the Elves. Lily was in bed. Max and Clea had snuck off to his house. Sean and Suzie had snuck back to her house.

Suzie was atop Sean making little squeaks. Little silk scarves flew around her; teasing her body with little caresses. When she wasn't squeaking, she was urging Sean on with demands, "Hik hock cuch muck."

"Bling blang blung," Sean answered in reply while his eyes rolled back in his head.

"Ingy ding," Suzie said. She had no idea that particular spot was so sensitive. She squeaked again.

"Umga," Sean said. He thrust up and then passed out. Suzie fell atop him while the scarves continued to stroke her body.

When Sean came to, Suzie moaned, "Make them stop."

Sean commanded the silk scarves to stop. They dropped to the bed. Suzie rolled off of Sean and said, "Oh my."

"Wow," Sean said breathing heavy.

A little giggle from the side of their bed captured Suzie's attention. She looked over at the source of the giggles and said, "There are naked women in my room."

"That's nice," Sean said absently.

"I'm serious. There are naked women in my bedroom," Suzie said.

Sean stroked her and said, "I only have eyes for you."

"I'm serious," Suzie said. She made a little shooing gesture towards the naked women. They just giggled in response.

"Who cares if there are other women here besides you?" Sean asked staring at Suzie's breast.

Suzie looked over at Sean and realized he hadn't taken his eyes off of her. She looked back at the nymphs. They were the epitome of cute and she didn't like that at all. She said, "I care. I'm supposed to be the only naked woman in the room."

Sean looked up and spotted a half of a dozen naked women. Surprised, he said, "You're right. There are naked women in your room."

"They aren't supposed to be here," Suzie said.

He said, "Hello."

He was greeted with a chorus of hellos. Noticing that the women had blue or green hair, he asked, "Who and what are you?"

"Who and what are you?" one of the women asked.

"I'm Sean and this is Suzie. We are humans."

"I'm Ivy."

"Fern."

"Willow."

"We're wood nymphs," Ivy said.

"I'm Brook."

"Bubbles."

"Misty."

"We're water nymphs," Brook said.

Sean said, "It is nice meeting you."

"The nymphs are back," Suzie said shaking her head wondering when Sean was going to jump over her and start chasing them.

Sean said, "The Dwarves are down the path watching a movie. Why don't you join them?"

"Aren't you going to chase us?" Willow asked sounding a little disappointed.

"I knew it," Suzie said growling at the nymphs.

"No, I've already got a girlfriend," Sean said.

"Okay," Ivy said.

"Have fun."

"I'd like to have fun with him."

"He's mine," Suzie said grabbing onto Sean.

"She's got him and she's not going to let him go."

"Pity."

"He looks like he'd be fun."

"She looks satisfied."

"More than satisfied."

"Maybe we should stay and watch."

"Go," Suzie said pointing towards the door.

"Okay."

Sean turned to Suzie and kissed her. He looked over at where the nymphs had been and said, "They're gone."

"That's good. What were we doing before we were interrupted," Suzie asked thinking that she was really going to reward him for sending the nymphs away.

"Uh, that," Sean said when her hand reached a rather private spot. He nibbled on her ear.

Suzie squeaked and said, "I love it when you do that. Do it again."

"Anything you say," Sean said taking another nibble on her ear.

"Mount me," Suzie moaned. She grabbed him and pulled him atop her before he had a chance to react.

An hour later, Sean stumbled home on rubbery legs. He sat down at the concession stand just as the movie ended. He looked over at the peanut gallery. The nymphs jumped up, the dwarves jumped up, and the chase was on. Sean looked over at the little go-cart the Dwarves had made and said, "I doubt they'll remember about that for a while."

He went over and started picking up the area. His mother came over and asked, "Where's Suzie?"

"She's at home," Sean answered.

"That's nice. Did you have a fun evening?" his mother asked.

"Yes," Sean answered.

His mother looked around for a moment and then asked, "What was with all of the naked women?"

"The nymphs are back," Sean said.

Nodding her head, she said, "I'm glad."

"Why?"

"Your father was an animal tonight," his mother said with a private little smile.

"I don't want to hear that," Sean said looking at his mother in horror.

"Mrs. Emery was quite happy," his mother said.

"What?" Sean asked incredulous. He covered his ears and started shouting, "La, La, La. I can't hear you. La, La, La. I'm not listening."

"Ah, isn't that cute. He hasn't thrown a tantrum like that in almost a week," his mother said with a smile.

Still covering his ears, Sean headed towards the house. While he walked, he shouted, "La, la, la. I can't hear you."

Mrs. Emery said, "What's with Sean?"

"Oh, I think I embarrassed him."

"How?"

"I was just about to tell him that your husband was an animal this evening."

"He was, wasn't he?"

"You sure squeaked a lot tonight."

"You and God had quite a conversation."

"What can I say?"

"Did you manage to ask about the naked women?"

"He said the nymphs are back."

"I hadn't known they were gone."



-------

Chapter 41


Mr. Kindle paced in the front of the class waiting for the bell to ring. Once it rang, he said, "Would everyone who did the extra credit report please pass it up to the front of the room?"

No one moved except for Sean and Suzie. Sean held up his nicely bound sheaf of papers and said, "I did two reports!"

Mr. Kindle picked up Suzie's report and glanced at it. It looked to be about five pages long. Based on the title he knew that it was about the Egyptian Campaign of Napoleon. It was a topic that he found particularly fascinating. He picked up Sean's report and noticed that it was about thirty pages. Shaking his head, he said, "You two got perfect scores on the test. You didn't need to do the report."

"It was fun," Sean said with a smile.

Taking the advice given to him by Mrs. Woodhill to use Sean's more fanciful work as a launching point for teaching real history, Mr. Kindle opened the cover on Sean's report. He read the title on the cover sheet aloud, "A Short Report On Napoleon by Sean Connery Michaels (aka Agent Double-o Zero)."

"Wasn't that a great cover page?" Sean asked.

Mr. Kindle flipped to the next page and read, "A Short Report On Napoleon."

"I put the title at the top of the page, just like you asked us to do," Sean said.

"Napoleon was short [see references 1-100]."

"A masterpiece," Sean said sitting back in his chair with his hands folded across his stomach in satisfaction.

"A little short, but I'll give you full credit for it," Mr. Kindle said. After all, he had asked for a short report on Napoleon.

"Thank you. I'm glad I didn't need the second report. It wasn't exactly on topic," Sean said.

Mr. Kindle flipped through the reference section and came upon a second report. He read the title aloud, "The Neapolitan Wars by Sean Connery Michaels (aka Agent Double-o Zero)."

"I just love that cover page," Sean said smiling up at Mr. Kindle. He leaned over to Suzie and said, "I get to put my name on it."

"I think you mean the Napoleonic Wars," Mr. Kindle said. He had experience with spell checkers making that substitution for him in the past.

Sean squirmed a little and then said, "This report wasn't exactly on topic."

"This ought to be good," Mr. Kindle said rolling his eyes.

"However, Napoleon does show up in it," Sean said.

Mr. Kindle flipped to the next page and read, "The Neapolitan Wars."

"You'll notice that I put the title at the top of the page. There are even page numbers at the bottom of the page just like you told us to do," Sean said.

"In the beginning there were two flavors of ice cream: vanilla and chocolate," Mr. Kindle read. The entire room started giggling. He said, "I think I'm starting to get a flavor of your report."

"Just read on. It is a masterpiece," Sean said.

"With such a limited selection countries aligned themselves with their favorite flavors. The British in their normally bland manner selected Vanilla. Also known for their blandness, the Swedes and Scandinavians chose Vanilla as well. Of course, the Belgians and the Swiss chose Chocolate. As each country went about choosing their flavor, those that had chosen watched them with interest since ice cream was going to be the basis for establishing alliances and trade agreements," Mr. Kindle said. He shook his head and said, "I don't think it was that way."

"The best part is coming," Sean said nodding his head. He added, "There's a footnote. You've got to read the footnote."

"It must be understood that ice cream was available only to the very rich because it had a tendency to melt and the poor couldn't afford ice. As a result, only wealthy people were concerned with the national flavor of ice cream."

"Interesting insight to the times," Mr. Kindle said looking over the page at Sean.

"That's me — Mr. Insightful," Sean said with a happy smile.

"The world watched as the Austrians argued the issue. Much to everyone's surprise, the Austrians choose to invent strawberry ice cream," Mr. Kindle read aloud. The whole class laughed. He looked at Sean and asked, "The Austrians invented strawberry ice cream?"

"Read on, Napoleon is coming up," Sean said. He leaned over to Suzie and said, "The political intrigue will just suck you in."

"I'm sure," Suzie said with a laugh.

"The whole of Europe watched and waited to see what Napoleon would do," Mr. Kindle said.

"See, I told you Napoleon would be in it," Sean said.

"Now it is a well known fact that Napoleon was short [see reference 1]."

Sean said, "I referenced the first paper in which I thoroughly covered that topic."

"I noticed," Mr. Kindle said wryly. He read on, "Being short, Napoleon had a Napoleonic complex. That just means he thought he was actually tall despite being short. It is mental disorder common amongst short people, magical creatures excluded."

Sean leaned over to Suzie and said, "I didn't want the Dwarves to think I was insulting them."

"Of course," Suzie said.

"The upshot of the mental disorder was that it made Napoleon surly," Mr. Kindle said. He looked over at Sean and asked, "Surly?"

"Yes. It also made his stomach itch as illustrated in all of the pictures of him, but I didn't include that in the report," Sean said.

Suzie said, "You should have included it as a footnote."

"I didn't even think of that. I did include footnotes though," Sean said.

"Good. You can't have enough footnotes," Suzie said.

"I agree," Sean said.

Mr. Kindle cleared his throat and said, "Being of a rather cantankerous nature, Napoleon did the unexpected. He packaged all three flavors together and named it after himself. It came to be known as, "Neapolitan Ice Cream, ' as a result of typo by some idiot typesetter."

"That's the Napoleon connection," Sean said. He leaned over to Suzie and said, "I hope he reads the footnote."

"There's a footnote here. Let me read it," Mr. Kindle said. "As a side note, Napoleon went to Egypt to civilize the natives. After all of his ice cream melted in the heat, he realized it was a lost cause since you can't have civilization without ice cream. He shot the nose off the sphinx, spent the night in the great pyramid, stole the Rosetta stone, and then went home declaring victory after losing most of his army."

Smiling, Mr. Kindle looked over at Sean and said, "That is the most succinct explanation of Napoleon's Egyptian Campaign that I've ever read."

Nodding his head, Sean said, "I thought you would like it."

"It is probably as accurate as Napoleon's version of events. It took me about five pages to cover that whole campaign, but it did boil down to that," Suzie said.

"You're right," Mr. Kindle said. He looked down at the paper and said, "Where was I? Ah! All of Europe took offense to their flavor of ice cream being in such close proximity to the other flavors and a great war took place called the Napoleonic Wars."

"There's another footnote," Sean said.

"Ah yes," Mr. Kindle said. He read, "Napoleon invented canning so that he could carry food with his army. Unfortunately, his experiments with canning ice cream were a failure. The outcome of the Napoleonic Wars might have been very different if he had been successful in that endeavor."

"Napoleon invented cans?" Sid asked skeptically.

"Yes in a way he did," Mr. Kindle said. "Napoleon was responsible for a number of inventions and construction projects. He ran a contest to find a way to preserve food and canning was the result. His army invented the ambulance service. He paid for the invention of the submarine. He had the Paris sewer system revamped to improve hygiene inside the city. The Rosetta stone allowed linguists to decipher Egyptian writing. He has even been credited with proving a mathematical theorem that bears his name."

"He did?" Susan asked.

Sean said, "A lot of people doubt that he really did it."

Holding out the paper, Mr. Kindle said, "After stomping on most of Europe, Napoleon marched to Russia thinking that the Russians would like his ice cream. He thought that he wouldn't have any problems civilizing them because it was cold there and the ice cream wouldn't melt."

Sean said, "Footnote. Read the footnote."

Mr. Kindle looked down at the bottom of the page. He read, "If Napoleon's experiments in canning ice cream hadn't failed, then all of history would have changed. He didn't go to Russia until the winter so that the ice cream wouldn't melt on the way there. That was a big mistake as will be discussed later."

"It is little things like that which determine the course of history," Sean said.

Mr. Kindle read, "Rather than be forced to eat ice cream during the winter time, the Russians fled Moscow after burning it to the ground. They figured that he could just freeze there with his ice cream. Disappointed that no one wanted his ice cream, Napoleon returned to France. He lost a lot of troops along the way because eating ice cream in cold weather is a good way to freeze to death."

"There's another footnote," Sean said raising his hand.

"The weir... ," Tom started to say. He was cut off when a balled up piece of paper flew in his mouth. He stared at his notebook daring it to try that while he was looking.

"I almost missed that," Mr. Kindle said. He looked down at the bottom of the page and read, "Napoleon probably should have told the Russians that he was serving cake with the ice cream. They might have stayed around if he had. In the author's opinion, Marie Antoinette's unfortunate suggestion about eating cake followed by getting her head chopped off probably lead to Napoleon to believe that it would be a social blunder of the worst kind."

Mr. Kindle said, "I've read a lot of history books about the Russian campaign and not one of them suggested that Napoleon should have offered to serve cake."

"Sometimes it is easy to miss the obvious," Sean said.

"Obviously," Suzie said with a laugh.

"Sean does have the essence correct here. Napoleon did march on Russia and the Tsar did burn down Moscow to prevent Napoleon from establishing a foothold in Russia. With an extended supply chain, Napoleon was forced to retreat. The majority of his soldiers froze to death on the march back to France as a result of the Russian winter," Mr. Kindle said.

Holding up the paper, Mr. Kindle read, "The upshot of all of those wars was that national identity with flavors of ice cream was destroyed. They chose to rally around flags instead since they didn't melt. Napoleon's creation of Neapolitan Ice Cream had eroded the flavor loyalty among the royalty. The history of the Napoleonic War and the Neapolitan War diverged at this time.

"The Neapolitan war transitioned from a war among nations to a war among neighbors as ice cream slowly made its way into the homes of regular people. The transition started as an underground movement in which ice cream was served at fairs and carnivals by the spoonful."

"It is like a guerilla war. You could be a vanilla lover surrounded by chocolate lovers and never know it," Sean said.

"A frightening prospect," Suzie said laughing.

Mr. Kindle exhaled loudly wondering where Sean was going to take his story next. He read, "It wasn't long before ice moved out from the seedy fairs and onto Main Street in the form of ice cream parlors. At first, ice cream parlors only served the national flavor to the wealthy. With improving economic conditions, more people were able to afford the delectable treat. However, the average person had not developed a national loyalty to a single flavor. They demanded more flavors. Soon, ice cream parlors started carrying all three flavors as well as the Neapolitan variant."

"No longer could a neighborhood ice cream parlor survive by making the national flavor for the wealthy. They had to make many flavors and serve the masses. Some places even invented their own flavors. They tried weird flavors like mint, peach, and pistachio. It was chaos plain and simple. People had to eat hundreds of different flavors before they could claim to have a favorite," Mr. Kindle said. He said, "There's another footnote here."

"I was afraid that you were going to skip it," Sean said.

"The plethora of flavors is responsible for the obesity problem. People have to try a hundred different flavors of ice cream to select down to the top twenty. They have to eat all of those flavors to winnow the field down to ten. Then you have to eat those ten to get down to three. Then they have to eat all three of those to identify their favorite. Of course, the irony is that the final three are almost always chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. By this time, the person weighs four hundred pounds and shouldn't be eating ice cream," Mr. Kindle said.

"I put that in for the health conscious crowd," Sean said.

"Good move. It really adds balance to your paper," Mr. Kindle said shaking his head.

"Thank you," Sean said.

Mr. Kindle said, "From somewhere out of a nightmare, an evil empire arose determined to destroy all of the local ice cream parlors. The name of this evil empire was the Basket-Robbins Multitude of Flavors Ice Cream chain. Like a plague of locusts, they spread across the world wiping out little mom and pop places."

"That's a Biblical reference," Sean said.

"Most artfully introduced," Suzie said with a laugh.

Mr. Kindle said, "I'm not allowed to comment on that."

"Oh. Sorry about that. I forgot about the Supreme Court rulings concerning religion in the classroom," Sean said.

"That's okay," Mr. Kindle said.

Sean said, "Please continue. The best part is coming up."

"At the darkest hour, Benjamin Franklin and Gary Garcia banded together to fight off the evil Basket-Robbins conglomerate. They created the Ben and Gary's Ice Cream Company in Boston," Mr. Kindle read aloud.

"I had to put two footnotes there because I didn't know how to footnote a footnote," Sean said.

Suzie asked, "Can you do that?"

"I don't know," Sean answered shrugging his shoulders.

Mr. Kindle frowned and said, "I'll have to look that one up."

"The first footnote says that Gary Garcia was a musician with the band Thankful Dead until he died. Their fans would follow the band around the country and were called Deadheads. It appears that every concert was sold out, but it was always to the same audience. It is kind of hard to understand why the band kept moving around unless they were actually trying to get away from all of their fans," Mr. Kindle said. He had no idea how to turn that into a lecture point about history.

He said, "The second footnote says that no one really knows why the fans of the Thankful Dead were called Deadheads. The author suspects that it was because they would stop at convenience stores while traveling from one place to the next and buy those frozen drinks that cause brain freeze. Repeated exposure to brain freeze causes brain damage and, hence, the fans became known as Deadheads."

"Don't you hate brain freeze?" one of the girls in class said.

"You don't have brains, Bl... ," Tom started to say. He had to stop in order to pull another balled up piece of paper from his mouth.

"It is the most horrible feeling in the world," another kid said.

Sid said, "I've often wondered if it could cause brain damage."

Susan said, "Something that feels that bad has to be bad for you."

"Hey, enough about the brain freeze. I want to find out what happens next," Jerry said.

Mr. Kindle read, "While it may not be that way today, Boston used to be a bastion of radicals. They used to protest taxes by having costume parties at the harbor where they would dress up like Indians and brew tea in the filthy water. Anyone drinking that tea would get sick and that is why we drink coffee in the morning and everyone else in the world drinks tea for breakfast."

"I had to throw in a little American history in there. It is an election year," Sean said.

"The success of Ben and Gary's in Boston pushed Basket-Robbins out of the area giving hope to Mom and Pop Ice Cream parlors all over the world. Since then, Boston has calmed down to where it is known only for its baked beans, liberal Senators, and a baseball team," Mr. Kindle read aloud.

He looked at Sean and said, "I hate to tell you this, but Ben and Gary's was started in Vermont. It wasn't started by Ben Franklin and Gary Garcia."

"Do you mean I got some of my fictions wrong?" Sean asked.

"Not very wrong," Mr. Kindle said.

"I'm so dismayed that my fictions were not accurate enough to be facts," Sean said slumping down in his chair.

Suzie patted Sean on the arm and said, "Vermont is close to Boston, more or less. It is known for maple syrup, fall colors and not having a baseball team."

"That's true," Sean said brightening a little.

Mr. Kindle read on, "The Neapolitan Wars came to a slow end with the emergence of the self- service markets of the early 1900's, the explosion of the chain store in the 1920's, and the establishment of the supermarket in the 1930s. It was ultimately the supermarket in which ice cream was sold as a regular market item that marked the end of the Neapolitan War."

"What's a self-service market?" Tom asked watching to see if another wad of paper flew into his mouth. He noticed that the paper didn't move at all.

Mr. Kindle said, "It is more like a specialty market today that sells only one line of items. At one time they sold things like dairy products, packaged meats, vegetables, or dry goods, but allowed customers to pick out their own items. Before self-service markets an employee of the store pulled your shopping order."

"You mean they actually had service at grocery stores?" Susan asked.

"Yes," Mr. Kindle said. He said, "It used to be that a woman would go marketing which meant that she went from one specialty store to the next. The grocer would select the vegetables for her, the butcher would cut the meat and wrap it for her, the baker would wrap the bread or cake, and the dairyman would deliver the eggs and milk to the house. There were many different kinds of stores at that time.

"The self-service market is more like what you see at a small pharmacy. You would walk around and get your off the shelf items yourself. Then you would go to the counter and pay for them."

"You can do all that at a supermarket," Jerry said.

Mr. Kindle said, "I think that is Sean's point. The supermarket made that kind of small shop competition end. All of those stores were combined first as chains of stores and then evolved into supermarkets that sold everything. Ben and Gary's ice cream is distributed through supermarkets."

"I knew that," Susan said. "I love their ice cream."

Although there was still a little to Sean's paper, Mr. Kindle looked up at the clock and said, "Class is almost over. Let's see, we've covered Napoleon's Egyptian Campaign, Napoleon's Invasion of Russia, and Napoleon's contribution to the sciences and public health. We also got a public service message about eating healthy, a little background on an episode of the Revolutionary War, a little cultural insight into a modern music phenomenon, and a short history of marketing. That's pretty good for an hour."

Sean leaned over to Suzie and said, "I was kind of worried about him that first day of class. He's getting to be a much better teacher."

"I tend to agree with you," Suzie said gathering her books.

Sean said, "It is off to English and the ever friendly Ms. Woodhill. I like her."

"I know," Suzie said.

Mr. Kindle read the rest of Sean's paper. The last page had been a killer. All of the incorrect facts had been identified and corrected. There was a comment about the whole story being an allegory for the changes in the large scale economics of trade that resulted from the revolutionary age. Sean had commented that marketing had changed more in the past two hundred years than it had in the previous two thousand. He shook his head and said, "I'd give it an A."

As they walked to class, Sean noticed Sid drifting along as if in a daydream. He looked at Suzie and asked, "What's up with Sid?"

"I don't know," Suzie answered.

"Should we ask?" Sean said.

Suzie said, "That's the most likely way we'll find out anything."

"You're right as always," Sean said.

"You know all of the right things to say to me," Suzie said with a smile.

Sean called out, "Hey, Sid. What's up?"

"Oh, hello Sean. Hello Suzie. I didn't see you there," Sid said.

"You look like you're lost in outer space somewhere," Sean said.

Suzie said, "He was looking for you and got lost on the way to Pluto."

"Oh, yeah," Sean said with a laugh.

Blushing, Sid said, "I met a girl."

Curious who it was, Suzie asked, "Who?"

"You don't know her. Her name is Bubbles," Sid said looking a little uncomfortable.

Holding his hand up to his chest, Sean said, "She's stands about so tall?"

"She's got blue hair?" Suzie said gesturing to her hair.

Sean was about to describe her other attributes and then thought better of it. He didn't want to hurt Sid's feelings. He said, "She likes to hang out around water."

"Oh, you do know her," Sid said. He had met her by the stream in the woods behind his house.

"We met her Saturday night," Suzie said.

Sid leaned over and whispered, "Did you know that she's a nudist?"

"She's nymph," Sean said.

Suzie asked, "Did she ask you to chase her?"

"Uh, yes," Sid said blushing. His blush did little to hide the rather large grin on his face and dreamy look in his eyes.

"Did she let you catch her?" Sean asked.

Nodding his head, Sid answered, "Yes. It was great."

Laughing at the goofy expression on Sid's face, Suzie asked, "Didn't you get tired from chasing her?"

"I'll tell you one thing. Chasing her was a whole lot more fun than running laps around track," Sid said.

Sean said, "Now that's a concept that should be brought up before the school board. I bet the physical fitness of American youth would increase tremendously."

"Among males," Suzie said pointedly.

"True," Sean said. He paused for a minute and then added, "Some lesbians would get in shape too."

Sid nodded his head and said, "You're right. She's so pretty."

"You think so?" Suzie asked looking over at Sean for his reaction to that statement. Much to her surprise he was just waiting for Sid to say something.

"If you look up cute in the dictionary, her picture would be there," Sid said.

Patting Sid on the shoulder, Sean said, "I hate to disagree with you, but Suzie's picture is already there."

"You are going to get so lucky later," Suzie said. She had seen the competition and had been a little intimidated.

"Why? What did I do?" Sean asked looking around.

"Don't worry about it," Suzie said hugging his arm.

"I'm going back to the stream right after school gets out," Sid said with a lovelorn sigh.

"You've got it good," Sean said.

"You don't know what it is like to feel this way," Sid said dreamily.

Shrugging his shoulders, Sean said, "I feel that way whenever I even think about Suzie."

"You're going to get so lucky," Suzie said looking over at him.

"Why? What did I do?" Sean asked.

Suzie spun him around and kissed him. As all ability to think fled his brain, Suzie upped the wattage of her kiss. Before they knew it, hands were moving to areas that weren't to be explored in public. Things were about to get well out of control when Principal Charmers loudly cleared his throat and said, "Break it up you two."

Panting, Suzie eased back and said, "Sorry."

"Blug bluther," Sean said swaying from side to side.

Smiling at the stunned expression on Sean's face, Principal Charmers said, "Get to class before the bell rings."

"Okay," Suzie said taking Sean by the hand and heading towards the classroom.

"Blather brot," Sean said stumbling along after her. He waved goodbye to Principal Charmers.



-------

Chapter 42


Tom stood in Sean's way from the cafeteria line to the table where Suzie was waiting for him. With a snarl on his face, Tom said, "You're going in the trashcan."

"Really?" Sean asked looking at Tom surprised. He figured that Tom hadn't realized what was being served in the cafeteria that day.

"Yes," Tom said enjoying the moment.

Sean looked over at the trashcans for a second. Turning back to Tom, he asked, "Which one?"

"Huh?" Tom asked rather surprised by the question. Sean wasn't playing the harassed victim as dictated by the victim of a bully script.

"Which trashcan am I going in?" Sean asked gesturing over to the row of trashcans.

Picking one at random, Tom answered, "That one on the end."

"That one on the end? Are you sure?" Sean asked looking back over at the row of trashcans.

"Yes. I'm going to stuff you in it when lunch is over and it is full of trash," Tom said pointing a finger at Sean's chest. He moved forward trying to look intimidating.

"Interesting," Sean said. He held his tray with one hand and fished out a piece of wire out of one of his pockets with the other hand. He dropped the piece of wire on the floor.

"You're going to smell like trash all day," Tom said thinking Sean should have been looking terrified by this time. The problem was that Sean looked like he was having trouble keeping from laughing.

"Oh. That will be a novel experience," Sean said with a smile.

Tom blinked and said, "Don't you get it? I'm going to throw you in a trashcan."

"Yes, I got that. You've mentioned in several times," Sean said nodding his head. He glanced down at the piece of wire and ordered it to affix itself to the handle of the trashcan. It flew across the room.

"Aren't you afraid?" Tom asked very confused by Sean's reaction.

Sean, in an exaggerated manner, looked off to the distance with an expression of concentration on his face. After a few seconds, he looked at Tom and answered, "No."

"I'm going to throw you in a trashcan," Tom said growling. By this time, Sean was supposed to be looking around like a frightened puppy and seeking some direction in which to escape. This standing around discussing the matter wasn't right.

"Okay. I'm going to eat lunch and I'll come back a little later so that we can talk about it," Sean said cheerfully. He stepped around Tom and headed over to the table where Suzie was waiting for him.

Tom stared at Sean's back confused by his behavior. Last year he had been terrified by the threat of getting stuffed in a trashcan. It had been even better after he had put him in it. Shaking his head, he said, "Something fishy is going on."

Less than satisfied with the outcome of his little confrontation with Sean, Tom started to walk to the end of the line to get his lunch. He had only taken a couple of steps when he noticed a strange noise behind him. Curious, he turned around to find that there was a trashcan three feet behind him. He stared at the trashcan wondering how it got there. He took a step away from it and the trashcan slid forward a bit to maintain the three foot distance. He checked to see if there were any wires connecting him to the trashcan, but there weren't any that he could find.

He looked around nervously hoping that no one noticed the rather large trashcan beside him. He stepped over to the trashcan and tipped it over to look underneath for some kind of mechanism that would make it move. There wasn't one. He scratched his head and said, "That's really odd."

Tom went through the line getting his tray and silverware. With each step, the trashcan followed right behind him. The trashcan was beginning to freak him out. It wasn't until he had his lunch plate in his hand that he saw what was being served for lunch. Hanging his head, he said, "The menu said pizza."

"Hey, Tom. What's with the trashcan?" Jerry asked pointing to the trashcan following Tom.

"I don't want to talk about it," Tom answered.

Jerry laughed and said, "I've heard of puppies and cats following people home, but never a trashcan."

"Stuff it, you... ," Tom had to pull a wad of paper from his mouth. Disgusted, he threw it in the trashcan.

"That's a pretty lame trick," Jerry said. He pointed to the woman at the register and said, "You're holding up the line."

Tom moved forward and the trashcan followed him. He paid for his lunch looking over his shoulder at the trashcan. The woman at the register cackled and said, "Enjoy your lunch."

Tom quickly walked to his table and turned around. The trashcan was three feet away from him. With a sinking feeling in his stomach, he said, "This isn't right."

Debbie slid into a chair across from Tom. Leaning forward, she said, "Don't make Sean mad. He's really scary when he's mad."

"What's with you and Sean? You act like you're afraid of the little twerp. He's nothing but a..." Tom's rant was interrupted by a wad of paper flying into his mouth. Growling, he pulled it out and said, "That does it. I'm going to destroy whoever is doing this to me."

"It is Sean," Debbie said inching back from the table. She looked around nervously and said, "He can move things with his mind."

"Come on, Barbie," Tom said pausing to pull a piece of paper from his mouth.

"Don't call me Barbie," Debbie said angrily. She stood up and said, "When Sean does a number on you, don't say that I didn't warn you."

Tom watched Debbie walk off. Shaking his head, he said, "I wonder what's wrong with her?"

Sean and Suzie were eating their lunch. It was school spaghetti which consisted of limp wet noodles drowned in a generic pale red tomato sauce. Sean had covered his with lots of parmesan cheese. Rubbing his hands together excitedly, he said, "This looks positively horrible."

"It is," Suzie said looking at her spaghetti lunch. The noodles weren't even full length, but cut into pieces that were too short to twist on the fork and too long to carry on a fork.

"Still, it is the best thing they make here," Sean said shoveling half of a forkful of noodles into his mouth. The other half of the noodles fell off his fork and onto his lap. He said, "It is better than the pizza that was on the menu. I guess they realized they didn't have enough cardboard to use as crusts."

Deciding that she'd have a better chance of getting the spaghetti to her mouth if she cut the noodles in half, Suzie started cutting the noodles. Looking at them, she decided that they were still too long and cut them into even smaller chunks. Suzie said, "They shouldn't call it spaghetti."

"Even I make better spaghetti than they do," Sean said. He attempted to get another forkful of noodles to his mouth, but they all fell off before the fork left the vicinity of the plate.

"You open a jar," Suzie said. She used a spoon to scrape up the little chunks of spaghetti noodles. She had missed cutting up one long strand and it slid off to land on her lap.

"They open a can," Sean said attempting to get another forkful of noodles.

"You're right," Suzie said. The bad thing was that they left the can out for them to see. The label on it was white with black letters that spelled out, 'Generic Spaghetti Sauce.' Someone had written a little message under the letters saying, 'Your lunch money at work.' She had wondered who had written the graffiti on it until she noticed a pen returning to Sean.

One of the cheerleaders walked past wearing a nice dress. There was a large red stain down the front of it. Sean commented, "That spaghetti sauce really clobbered her little outfit."

"Sid did a pretty good job on his shirt," Suzie commented when Sid walked past. The entire front of his shirt was red and he was scrubbing it with a piece of the garlic bread that had come with the spaghetti. The net effect of his efforts was that he now smelled of garlic.

"Looks like everyone took the spaghetti today," Sean said. A lot of the young women were staring at their plates on the verge of tears.

Suzie snorted and said, "It was the only thing they served today."

"You'd think this bread would soak up all of the sauce considering how dry it is," Sean said tapping it on the table. It made a nice knocking sound very similar to that which would be made by hitting the table with a brick.

Suzie said, "I never thought of serving Melba Toast the size of Texas Toast. This bread was dried out when cavemen walked the earth."

"Stone-aged garlic bread," Sean said with a smile. "Maybe we should donate it to a museum."

Suzie looked over at Tom and noticed the trashcan standing behind him. She smiled at the sight and asked, "Did he threaten to throw you in the trashcan?"

"Yes," Sean answered with a grin.

She looked at the trashcan and said, "I can't believe you actually decided to do it."

"Well, I figured that getting chased around by a trashcan all day might make him think twice about dumping somebody in one," Sean said.

"You weren't angry?" Suzie asked.

Grinning, Sean answered, "I was having a hard time keeping from laughing."

"Good, we don't want any more trolls," Suzie said wondering what had happened to the troll since they had left the mall.

Sean said, "Considering that today was surprise spaghetti day, no one would have noticed if he had put me in the trash can."

"Ironic, isn't it?" Suzie said as another student passed by with a patch of red down the front of their shirt and pants.

"Yes," Sean said. He noticed Tom get up to return his tray. The front of his shirt was red from the tomato sauce. The trashcan followed Tom across the cafeteria. One of the kids stopped him and dumped the rest of his spaghetti into the trashcan. Tom stood over by the trashcans trying not to draw any attention to himself or the trashcan. Sean commented, "You'd think that after getting served school surprise spaghetti for twelve years someone would have figured out how to eat it."

Suzie scooped up another spoonful of chopped up noodles and took a bite of her lunch. Much to her surprise she hadn't spilled a single noodle. After swallowing, she looked over at Sean and said, "I swear that they cut the noodles that way on purpose."

"Did you see how happy the serving people were today?" Sean asked. He took a forkful of noodles and got it most of the way to his mouth before a quarter of the noodles slipped off. He decided to try something a little different. He piled some spaghetti on his piece of garlic toast thinking that he would put the toast to his mouth and then slide the noodles into his mouth. The piece of toast broke in half before it got halfway to his mouth.

"You'd think they would warn us when they are going to serve spaghetti," Suzie groused when another noodle fell into her lap. It was impossible to cut all of the noodles into a manageable size.

"No one would buy lunch here if we were warned," Sean said. He managed to get a third of a forkful of noodles to his mouth.

A gray skinned man that was six inches tall walked across the top of the table and came to a stop in front of Sean. He had a little pot belly and a tail. Sean looked down at him and said, "Hello."

"Hello."

"Who and what are you?" Sean asked.

"Who and what are you?"

"I'm Sean and I'm a human."

"I'm Irving and I'm an imp," the little man said wiggling his eyebrows.

"Ah," Sean said.

"You've been up to a little mischief today," Irving said smiling at Sean.

"Do you mean the bit with the trashcan?" Sean asked gesturing over to where Tom was standing. Kids were walking by him dumping their left-over spaghetti in the can. Tom finally ran out of the cafeteria with the trashcan chasing him. It stopped as soon as it reached the end of Sean's range.

"Yes. I appreciate mischief that has been done well," Irving said with his little tail waving around. Mischief was in the air and he could smell it. Now all he had to do was find it.

"There's been a bit of it today," Sean said.

Irving looked around the room for a few seconds. It was hard not to notice that everyone had spaghetti sauce stains on the front of their clothes. He looked at the plate of spaghetti and rubbed his hands together. Pointing at the plate, he said, "Now that is brilliant."

"The kitchen staff deserves all of the credit for this one," Suzie said.

Sean said, "It is a little hard to eat without making a mess considering the spaghetti sauce and the slippery plastic eating utensils. There's just no friction to hold the noodles on."

Looking in the direction of the school kitchen, Irving said, "I think I have found a home."

"That's nice," Sean said with a smile.

"Yeah," Suzie said with a frown. She wondered what kinds of things would be served from now on.

Irving left in a flash. Sean said, "He's a nice enough fellow."

There was a loud crash from the kitchen. Suzie said, "It sounds like someone slipped on a noodle."

"That happens," Sean said.

Suzie frowned and said, "I think it is going to happen around here a lot more often."

"Why?" Sean asked looking over at Suzie. He managed to get a forkful of spaghetti to his mouth.

"Irving," Suzie answered.

"Ah," Sean said nodding his head sagely. He had no idea how that explained anything. "Why?"

"You know that imps are mischievous, don't you?" Suzie asked.

"They are?" Sean asked. He looked at her and said, "I thought he was a pretty nice guy."

"You thought Stomp was a nice guy," Suzie said.

"He is," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

"Let's go visit him after school," Suzie said when a really nice idea came to mind.

"Why would you want to go all of the way there to see Stomp?" Sean asked a little puzzled by her apparent change of mind.

"Where is Stomp?" Suzie asked.

"Near the mall," Sean answered.

"What else is there?" Suzie asked.

Sean frowned and thought about it for a few seconds. The expression of concentration on his face was almost comical. He answered, "I don't know."

"Shirley's Surprise is there," Suzie said.

"Come to think of it, I'm sure that Stomp would love to see us," Sean said. The suggestion of going to Shirley's Surprise without either of their mothers there had the logical consequent effect on his anatomy.

"Let's head to class," Suzie said rising from her chair. She put the little piece of plastic wrap that had protected her from the noodles on her tray.

"I can't," Sean said turning red.

"Why?" Suzie asked looking at him with a puzzled expression.

"I could explain, but you'd probably get bored," Sean said.

"Explain anyway," Suzie said returning to her seat.

Sean squirmed for a second and then said, "I was thinking about Shirley's Surprise, you being there, me being there and the kind of clothes they have there. Well ... uh ... stuff happened."

"Huh?" Suzie asked.

Waving a hand in a circular motion, Sean said, "Stuff happened."

"What happened?" Suzie asked.

"You know, down there," Sean said through clenched teeth while jerking his head around and kind of pointing towards his lap. He didn't want to advertise his condition anymore than necessary. In fact, he didn't want to advertise it at all.

"Oh," Suzie said. She leaned against the table and, in a sultry sexy voice, said, "It is a shame that it has to go to waste."

"It will never go down if you keep taking like that," Sean said fidgeting in his chair.

"Really?" Suzie asked with a grin. She wiggled her eyebrows and asked, "Did you ever think that I might not want it to go down."

"Think baseball stats, Sean. That won't work, I don't know any baseball stats," Sean said.

Suzie leaned over to him and whispered in his ear, "I'm going to be thinking about your little problem all during class. I'm going to get so hot that I'll want to explode."

"Uh," Sean said. With a real look of concentration, he said, "Must think ugly thoughts."

"Think of me in lingerie," Suzie whispered running a hand across his thigh.

"Uhh," Sean said wondering why there was suddenly two of everything. Concentrating with all of his will he said, "Blinja goona."

Satisfied with what she had accomplished, Suzie sat back and said, "Your eyes look lovely when they're crossed."

"Ningoda rah," Sean said.

"Like windows to your soul," she said giggling when he just nodded his head in agreement.

It took a good ten minutes for the swelling to go down. Sean ordered the little piece of plastic wrap onto his tray. It was covered with spaghetti noodles. His shirt and pants were stain-free. There weren't nearly as many noodles on her piece of plastic wrap. He said, "I told you it would work."

"Yes, you did," Suzie said looking down at the front of her dress. There wasn't a single stain on it.

"Let's go find Tom and see what he thinks of the idea of throwing me in a trashcan," Sean said with a grin.

"Let's just go to class," Suzie said taking his arm and putting it around her shoulders.

Frowning, Sean thought about his next class. After the first few days of class he was convinced that it was going to spoil his perfect record. He said, "I don't like social studies."

"I know," Suzie said with a sigh. She didn't like it either, but they had to attend the class.

Dressed in a tight-fitting outfit, Ms. Hawkins watched Sean and Suzie enter the classroom. Sean had his arm around Suzie. She smiled at them and said, "Don't you make a lovely couple?"

"Uh, yeah," Sean said eyeing her suspiciously.

"Okay," Suzie said waiting for Ms. Hawkins to tear off into another one of her tirades.

"Have a seat, class will start in a few minutes," Ms. Hawkins said going over to her desk. There was a rather large bouquet of roses on the desk. She leaned over and smelled the roses.

"What's with the flowers?" Sean asked.

"Oh, an admirer sent them to me," she answered with a smile on her face.

"Chief Fastman came by my house and said that you and Coach Slaughter were missing," Sean said.

Ms. Hawkins turned red at the memory of the police breaking into their hotel room thinking she had killed the coach. She said, "We just kind of got caught up in the moment and three days went by without us realizing it."

"What moment?" Sean asked looking over at Suzie as if she might know the answer.

"You and Coach Slaughter?" Suzie asked incredulously.

Waving a hand to fan her face, Ms. Hawkins said, "Did you see the muscles on that man?"

"Uh, yes," Suzie answered.

"I like muscles," Ms. Hawkins said. She giggled and then said, "I really like muscles."

"Okay," Sean said. He leaned over to Suzie and whispered, "Something took Ms. Hawkins and replaced her body with some kind of alien intelligence inside."

"You might be right," Suzie whispered back.

"Should we sit in the back of the classroom?" Sean asked unable to take his eyes off of Ms. Hawkins.

"I think we'll be safe enough in our usual seats," Suzie said.

"A horrible monster is likely to burst through her stomach or something," Sean said watching Ms. Hawkins smell the roses again. She ran a finger across her lips with a dreamy expression on her face.

Suzie laughed and said, "I don't think so."

Coach Slaughter stuck his head in the classroom and said, "Hello, Baby-doll."

"Hello, Snookems," Ms. Hawkins replied. She actually tittered.

"Ugh," Sean said.

Coach Slaughter said, "I'm going to end practice early today."

Frowning, Max asked, "Did he just say he was going to end practice early today?"

"Yes," Sean answered.

"Great," Ms. Hawkins said.

"I'll meet you at your house," Coach Slaughter said.

"We've got a game Friday," Max said.

"I'll be dressed in that little outfit that you like so much," Ms. Hawkins said.

Worried, Max asked, "What about that game Friday?"

"The little lacey thing?"

Raising a hand to get Coach Slaughter's attention, Max asked, "Coach? What about the game Friday?"

"Yes," Ms. Hawkins answered.

While the couple blew kisses to each other, Max laid his head on the desk and moaned, "We're going to lose."

"This is scary," Sean said.

"Let's move to the back of the class," Suzie said deciding that Sean had been right the first time he had suggested it.

"Good idea," Sean said picking up his books.

Tom entered the room. Looking around, he saw that the only seat available was right in front of Ms. Hawkins. He walked to the desk trying to look nonchalant, but the class broke into laughter.



-------

Chapter 43


Sean parked his truck in the mall parking space next to the flattened police car. At least, he was pretty sure that it was a police car despite the fact that it was rather dimensionally challenged. He got out and walked around to the passenger side. Opening the door, he bowed and said, "Gold door service for the lady."

"Why thank you," Suzie said with a giggle.

Sean helped her out of the truck. Once she was out, she gave him a curtsy. Sean closed the door and said, "There's another flattened police car here. Let's see if Stomp is around."

Having seen the gold truck approach, a policeman walked over to the young couple with a concerned expression on his face. Although no one had been hurt so far, he feared that the first would be a couple of kids. He could imagine the kind of lawsuits that would result from that. He said, "You shouldn't be around here, kids."

"Why?" Sean asked.

"There's a monster over there," the policeman said gesturing in the direction of the woods that started a few feet from the parking lot.

"We came to see him," Sean said as if it was the most natural thing in the world for him to want to do.

The policeman pointed to the flattened car and said, "You don't want to get anywhere near him. He's dangerous."

"Stomp? I thought he was rather polite," Sean said. He looked at Suzie and asked, "Didn't you think he was polite?"

"He did introduce himself to us," Suzie said.

"It is a big ugly monster that will chew you up and spit you out," the policeman said trying to scare the kids away. They had tried a dozen times to arrest the troll, but it had flattened their cars like aluminum cans and was so strong that two dozen policemen couldn't wrestle him to the ground. Their bullets just bounced off of him. The Tazer made him giggle.

Looking over to the woods in the hope of spotting Stomp, Sean said, "Let me go talk to him."

"I'm afraid that I can't allow that," the policeman said moving to block Sean from heading into the woods.

Sean decided that if he couldn't go to Stomp, that Stomp could come over to him. He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Hey, Stomp. Come over here!"

The troll came out of the woods and looked around trying to figure out who had called him. He noticed Sean waving to him and stomped over to the young man with a big smile on his face. It should be noted that a troll's smile looks a lot like a snarl that shows lots of very ugly looking teeth. People who were afraid of snarls like that typically found a troll's smile very scary. The policeman backpedaled away from the troll while firing his pistol at him. The bullets just bounced off the magical creature.

Looking over at the policeman, Sean said, "Hey, stop that."

"That's not very friendly," Suzie said putting her hands on her hips reminding Sean of her mother. She said, "What would your mother think of you acting like that?"

"She'd be glad that I'm still alive and that I'm protecting stupid kids like you," the policeman answered. He was busy trying to reload his gun. His nervous fingers were not helping him at all.

"That's not nice," Suzie said shaking a finger at him.

Stomp stopped in front of Sean and said, "Hi Sean."

"Hi Stomp."

Turning to face the troll, Suzie said, "Hi Stomp."

"Hello lady," Stomp said scratching his stomach. He smiled at her; showing lots of yellow teeth. The policeman took another dozen steps away.

Sean pointed over at the flattened police car and asked, "Why did you do that?"

"Bad noise," Stomp said holding his hands over his ears.

"What?"

"Hurt ears," Stomp said. He went over to the flattened car and stomped on it a few times. His actions had little effect since it just wasn't possible to flatten it any more than it was.

"You say that the siren hurts your ears?" Sean asked. It seemed to him that Stomp could only put together sentences of two words.

"Bad noise," Stomp said nodding his head. He stomped on the flattened police car a couple of more times. He stopped and turned to Sean with a frown on his face.

"You don't look happy," Sean said.

Putting a hand on Stomp's arm, Suzie said, "Poor Stomp looks very unhappy."

"Not happy," Stomp said.

"Why?" Suzie asked.

"No home," Stomp said. The poor troll looked like he was on the verge of tears.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Sean said.

"Want home."

Nodding his head, Sean said, "I understand. It must really be hard being homeless."

"Want home. Charge toll," Stomp said. He reached over and pulled a sapling out of the ground. He used it to scratch his back.

"Let me see what I can do," Sean said.

"We have to find a home for you," Suzie said looking over at Sean.

Sean pointed at the policeman who was still busy trying to reload his service revolver. The poor man kept dropping the cartridges. Sean said, "You won't hurt them will you."

"Wrestle good. Like wrestle," Stomp said with a smile crossing his face.

"You enjoyed it when they wrestled you?" Sean asked rather surprised.

"Good fun," Stomp said.

Suzie looked over at the policeman who was staring at them incredulous that they were just talking with the monster. She said, "He doesn't look very happy."

"Too many unhappy people around here and only one of you," Sean said shaking his head sadly.

"Of me?" Suzie asked surprised.

Surprised by her surprise, Sean said, "One look at you and it is like the sun came out. If that can't cheer up someone, nothing can."

"Oh," Suzie said hugging his arm. Sean said the nicest things to her.

The policeman couldn't help but overhear their conversation. He finally got a cartridge into his revolver. He shook his head and said, "I'm going to have to remember that line."

"I guess we're going to have to solve this problem the old fashioned way," Sean said.

"How?" Suzie asked.

"We'll just have a make a wild-assed guess at a solution and hope it works," Sean answered.

Suzie laughed and said, "That just might do it."

"Let's go talk to the policeman," Sean said deciding that would be a good place to start.

Suzie turned to Stomp and said, "We'll be back."

"Pretty lady," Stomp said. He twisted the tree until it burst into slivers of wood. He took one of the slivers and worked it around his teeth like a tooth pick. He was quite proud of the fact that he had most of his teeth and attributed that to his dental hygiene rather than magic.

Sean walked over to the policeman and, holding up a hand, he said, "Hello Human. Take me to your leader."

"Huh?" the policeman said staring at Sean.

Sean leaned over to Suzie with a grin on his face and said, "I've always wanted to use that line."

"The opportunities are few and far between," Suzie said with a laugh. She hugged his arm and asked, "What next?"

"I assume he'll take us to his leader," Sean said looking at the policeman.

"You want to talk to the Chief?"

"How," Sean said holding up one hand so that the palm was facing the policeman.

"Huh?" the policeman said while Suzie giggled at his confused reaction.

"I would like to talk to your Chief," Sean answered. He leaned over to Suzie and said, "Some people just don't understand Indian."

"It is just a sign of the times," Suzie said.

"Political correctness run amuck," Sean said nodding his head in agreement.

The policeman got on his radio. After a few minutes, he said, "The Chief said he would be here in a thirty minutes, although considering the distance it might take him an hour."

"Must have a long way to come," Sean said. The town only took about five minutes to drive through and that was only if you hit the traffic light when it was red.

The policeman said, "He's riding a bicycle."

"Why is he riding a bicycle?" Sean asked puzzled.

"We ran out of police cars," the policeman answered pointing to the flattened police car. He gestured over to a bicycle parked a short distance away and said, "That's my bike. It is a ten speed."

"It must be hard to pull over speeders," Sean said imagining the police peddling like mad to catch up to a car going seventy miles an hour.

"Uh, yeah," the policeman said. Cars didn't even slow down when they gave pursuit on bicycle.

"Maybe we should go to him," Sean said thinking that it would be the polite thing to do.

The policeman said, "No. According to his wife, he needs the exercise. He's lost about ten pounds since his car got flattened."

"Why doesn't he use his personal car?" Sean asked. He noticed Stomp pulling another sapling from the ground. He was running the branches through his hair.

Pointing to the other end of the parking lot, the policeman said, "It was flatted over there."

"Oh, I didn't notice it," Sean said looking in the direction the policeman pointed. Of course, a flattened car was a little difficult to spot from a distance.

Pointing to the mall, the policeman said, "There he is."

"It will only take him five minutes to get here," Sean said watching the bicycle off in the distance. The bike was going all over the place. It stopped and the man on bike stood there. Puzzled, Sean asked, "What is he doing?"

"He's catching his breath," the policeman said watching the chief stand there breathing heavily.

"He went fifty feet," Sean said incredulously.

"He's doing better," the policeman said with a nod of approval. Looking over at Sean, he said, "There was a time when he couldn't walk that far."

"You don't say," Sean said.

No one had noticed that Stomp had come over to see what they were watching. Surprising everyone, he said, "Fatman Come."

With a yelp, the police officer backed away. He shouted, "Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"Want Wrestle," Stomp asked looking at the policeman.

"Just stay away from me," the policeman said.

"No fun," Stomp said crossing his arms and looking unhappy. He added, "Want play."

Suzie looked over at Sean knowing that there was only one person who could possibly play with the troll and that person was Sean. She said, "Why don't you go play with the troll?"

"How?" Sean asked thinking that wrestling was definitely out of the question. He doubted that Coach Slaughter would even last a minute with the troll.

"Use your magic," Suzie said.

Sean reached into one of his pockets and pulled out a pair of gloves. After putting them on, he went over to one of the saplings and used magic on the glove to pull it from the ground. Holding the sapling out in front of him, he called to Stomp, "Hey Stomp. Let's play swords."

Delighted that someone wanted to play with him, Stomp grinned and grabbed a sapling. They roared and charged each other across the small clearing. They both swung their saplings. With a great crash, the saplings came together and then broke. Sean and Stomp stood there looking at their broken pretend swords. Stomp said, "Bigger sticks."

"Yeah," Sean said running over to a slightly larger tree. He pulled it from the ground.

The policeman looked at Sean and said, "That's not normal."

Watching the pair, Suzie turned to the policeman and said, "Sometimes he's just a big boy who likes to play."

"Which one?" the policeman asked.

"Sean," Suzie said with a smile. The bigger trees they were using now made satisfactory thuds when they hit. They still broke after the first swing or two. She said, "Isn't he cute?"

"He's swinging a tree," the policeman said staring at Sean. The scrawny little kid shouldn't have been able to pick it up much less pull it out of the ground.

Charging across the meadow with his tree held over his head, Sean shouted, "You scurvy pirate!"

"Good fun," Stomp shouted swinging his tree. There was a huge crack when the trees hit each other. The top halves sagged to the ground.

"Bigger tree," Sean said.

While the pair separated to get bigger trees, Suzie turned to the policeman and said, "That'll keep them busy for a while."

"He's swinging trees at a monster," the policeman said still staring at the action.

Suzie said, "All the troll wants is a bridge to live under and to charge people a toll to cross the bridge."

"He's going to jail when we figure out how to arrest him," the policeman said.

Suzie shook her head and said, "A jail cell won't keep Stomp contained. He walked through the wall at the mall."

"That's true," the policeman said. There was a huge crash from where Sean and the troll were fighting. He heard a strange noise from the troll and asked, "What's that noise?"

"I think he's laughing," Suzie said looking over at the troll. The troll was rocking forwards and backwards with his hands on his stomach. Sean was laughing as well.

Looking over at the parking lot, the policeman noticed that police chief was halfway there. He said, "The chief is making good time today."

"He's not very good on the bike," Suzie said noticing a definite wobble to the contraption.

"He hasn't fallen down once on the trip here," the policeman said approvingly. The chief promptly fell over. He said, "I spoke too soon."

"That bike seems a little small for him," Suzie said watching the chief struggle to get back on the bike. From the distance, it looked a lot like a kid's bike.

"He couldn't get his leg up high enough to get on an adult bike," the policeman answered. They had to reinforce the frame to support the weight. There was a very loud crash behind them.

Suzie turned and yelled, "Boys, be good and don't destroy the woods."

"Okay, Suzie," Sean shouted back.

"Yes Lady," Stomp said having spotted a very tall tree without any branches except for two very odd ones at the very top. Their play had started with little trees barely an inch in diameter and had progressed steadily up to trees that were seven inches in diameter. This tree was a foot in diameter and would make a very satisfying noise when used. He headed over to the tree in order to pull it out of the ground. There was another tree just like it not too far away.

Suzie turned back to face the policeman and said, "I'm afraid that Stomp might get carried away."

"Good Stick," Stomp shouted to Sean while pulling his tree from the ground.

Sean turned to check out what Stomp was doing in order to know how big of a tree he needed to get. Seeing what Stomp was doing, Sean shouted, "Don't Stomp."

The rather startled cry of Sean attracted Suzie's attention. She turned to see what was happening. She saw that Stomp was pulling a utility pole out of the ground. Stomp said, "Odd tree."

Putting a hand to her forehead, Suzie said, "Oh no."

"Watch out," Sean said when the utility pole finally was wrestled from the ground.

Sean's warning was too late since the act of pulling the utility pole from the ground had snapped wires attached to it. The wires fell to the ground amidst a shower of sparks. Trying to control the pole, Stomp stepped back on the power line. The sudden introduction of massive quantities of electricity into his body caused him to jump and release the pole. The pole arced away; tumbling end over end as it flew across the parking lot of the mall.

In the middle of the parking lot, the chief had taken another break to catch his breath. Fortunately for him, he had watched the entire scene unfold. Seeing that the pole was headed directly at him, the chief scrambled off his bike. He fled leaving the bike lying on the ground. With a horrible crash, the utility pole landed on the bike crushing it flat.

Having observed the entire sequence of events, the policeman commented, "That whole parking lot and it lands on the chief's bike."

"He's lucky," Suzie said.

The policeman shook his head and said, "He's lost two patrol cars, his personal car, and now his bike. He's not going to be happy about that. He really liked that bike."

Suzie said, "I've never seen anyone move that fast."

"Pretty impressive considering how fat he is," the policeman said.

"That was so cool," Sean said sidling over to Suzie.

"How's Stomp?" Suzie asked afraid to look.

Sean looked back to watch Stomp jump up and down on the electric wire. Each time he hit the wire there sparks of electricity, the troll would be thrown ten feet away. He would land and then rush back at the electric wire. There was a huge smile on the troll's face. Sean answered, "Stomp is having fun."

Suzie looked over at Stomp in time to see him grab the fallen power line. Stomp was dancing around the clearing. She said, "Fun like that could kill him."

"Nah, he's okay," Sean said waving a hand dismissively.

Bouncing around the clearing, Stomp held the power line in his fist. He looked over at Sean and shouted, "Great snake. Come play."

"Later," Sean shouted back. He leaned over to Suzie and said, "I'm not playing with that wire until after they turn off the electricity."

"Smart," Suzie said rolling her eyes.

An hour later, Sean, Suzie, the policeman, Chief Fastman (the brother of the other Chief Fastman), and the manager of the mall were gathered around a table in the dark conference room located deep within the mall. There was a flashlight providing illumination for the meeting. Chief Fastman and the manager of the mall, Mr. Hoffman, were not happy men. Chief Fastman said, "He smashed my bike."

"There's no electricity in the mall," Mr. Hoffman said. The store owners were all pretty upset to begin with about having a mall on the property scaring away customers. Losing electricity had left him facing an angry mob of mad merchants.

"Stomp isn't very happy either," Sean said.

"He smashed my bike," Chief Fastman said repeating his complaint for the hundredth time.

"Would you shut up about that bike?" Mr. Hoffman said irritated by the Chief's fixation on his bike.

Chief Fastman said, "I liked that bike."

"I'm sure you did," Suzie said.

"It looked like a nice bike," Sean said.

"I liked that bike," Chief Fastman said.

"Really? I had no idea," Sean said. He leaned over to Suzie and said, "I think he liked that bike."

"He's only said that a thousand times," Suzie said rolling her eyes.

"He's going to buy me a new bike," Chief Fastman said.

"Stomp doesn't have any money," Suzie said.

Nodding his head in agreement, Sean said, "He's homeless."

"I've got a home for him. It is called a jail cell," Chief Fastman.

Sean said, "You might want to talk to Chief Fastman about that."

"Which one?" Chief Fastman asked.

"Which one what?" Sean asked.

"I've got eight brothers and one sister. All of us are Chiefs except my sister," Chief Fastman answered.

"What is your sister?" Sean asked.

"She's a state trooper," Chief Fastman answered.

"I take it that law enforcement runs in your family," Sean said.

"Not really. I come from a long line of accountants. Dad was an accountant, Granddad was an accountant, and Great-granddad was an accountant," Chief Fastman answered.

"Oh," Sean said. He looked at Suzie and shrugged his shoulders not really knowing how to respond to that.

Chief Fastman said, "He'd probably tear that jail cell apart."

Mr. Hoffman said, "I don't care about your bike or your jail cell. I've got a hundred store owners up in arms about not having any electricity. They are already upset about having a troll living here and chasing off customers."

"What do you expect me to do about that?" Chief Fastman asked.

"Arrest it," Mr. Hoffman answered.

"I've tried," Chief Fastman said.

"Try harder," Mr. Hoffman said glowering at the chief.

"Ten of us can't wrestle it to the ground. Bullets tickle it. It ate the handcuffs we managed to put on it. It giggles when we hit it with the Tazer," Chief Fastman said.

Sean said, "All Stomp wants is a home. Isn't there a bridge around here?"

"No," Chief Fastman answered.

"All you need to do is build a little bridge for Stomp to live under. He'll charge people tolls and can pay for all of the damage out of the tolls he collects," Suzie said.

"That's all we need," Mr. Hoffman said in disgust. "A troll living here will scare everyone away."

Sean said, "Use him to attract customers. He's actually a pretty nice person for a troll."

"Advertise that you have the only toll troll at an American mall," Suzie said.

"Are you saying that I should turn him into a tourist attraction?" Mr. Hoffman asked.

"Are you saying that he can pay for my bike?" Chief Fastman asked.

"Yes and yes," Suzie answered.



-------

Chapter 44


The referee threw a flag on the play when the home team went off-sides. Ms. Woodhill stood up and shouted, "The umpire needs glasses."

"That's a referee," Jerry said looking over at his teacher like she was a complete and total airhead.

With a wide-eyed expression of wonder on her face, Ms. Woodhill said, "Really? All of these sports are just so confusing."

"Umpires are for baseball," Jerry said patiently.

The man seated next to Ms. Woodhill laughed and said, "She knows that."

Sid, seated a row or two away, had been staring at the man with Ms. Woodhill for most of the game. He said, "I know him. I just don't know him."

"Make up your mind," Sean said.

Suzie looked over at the man next to Ms. Woodhill and said, "He does look familiar."

On the field below, there was another play in which the other team made a good fifteen yards on a quarterback sneak. Ms. Woodhill stood up and shouted, "Tackle that pitcher."

The man with Ms. Woodhill laughed. He said, "You should be down there coaching that team."

"Our goalie needs to intercept that ball," Ms. Woodhill said smiling at the man beside her.

"Where do you come up with those?" the man asked laughing so hard that he had to hold his sides.

Ms. Woodhill put a finger to her mouth in a coquettish gesture. Batting her eyelashes at the man seated beside her, she asked, "Don't you know that English teachers don't know anything about sports?"

"You aren't fooling anyone. You know more about football than all of the coaches combined," the man said with a laugh.

Jerry raised an eyebrow at that comment and said, "She sure fooled me."

Sid realized where he recognized the man from and asked, "Hey, aren't you the offensive coach for the Fighting Tigers?"

"Yes," the man answered with a smile.

The Tigers was the local college football team and had been national champions the previous year. Everyone in the area knew the coaches. Shocked to discover one of them was watching a high school football team, Jerry couldn't believe it. Just to make sure, he asked, "You're Coach Reynolds?"

"What are you doing here?" Sid asked staring at him. No one on their team was good enough to be scouted by a college.

"I skipped a banquet to spend an evening going over last week's game tapes with my girlfriend," Coach Reynolds answered.

"Who?" Jerry asked looking around to see who his date might be.

"Carla," Coach Reynolds answered patting Ms. Woodhill on the thigh.

"Who is that?" Sean asked thinking that Carla would probably be very upset to see him patting Ms. Woodhill on the thigh like that.

"Me," Ms. Woodhill said with a grin.

"You?" Sid asked dumbfounded.

Curious, Suzie asked, "Does he read poetry to you?"

"Yes," Ms. Woodhill answered. She smiled at her date and said, "He minored in English Literature in college."

"I'm not going to be able to get out of reading poetry to Suzie from now on," Sean said hanging his head.

"That's right," Suzie said hugging his arm.

"Roses are red, violets are... ," Sean began.

Suzie tapped him on the arm and said, "You're going to have to do better than that."

Deciding that it was time to give into the inevitable, Sean said, "I'm going to have to go out and buy a book of Limericks."

"Don't you dare," Suzie said afraid that he would actually do that. She could just hear him reciting a Limerick concerning a Suzie from Nantucket.

Surprised by the entire sports exchange, Jerry said, "How did you meet?"

"My twin brother played college ball with him," Ms. Woodhill said patting Coach Reynolds on the arm.

"Your twin brother?" Jerry asked staring at her.

"Carl Woodhill," Ms. Woodhill answered.

"Quarterback of the Florida Fishes?" Sid asked staring at Ms. Woodhill. She was famous in the school for being totally ignorant of sports. It was hard to believe that her brother was a quarterback for a pro football team.

"Yes," Ms. Woodhill said.

"Carla used to go over the game tapes with us. She knows more about football than half of the coaches in the college circuit," Coach Reynolds said.

"She gave a speech about the batting averages of the tight ends last year," Sid said incredulously.

Laughing, Coach Reynolds looked over at Ms. Woodhill and asked, "You didn't?"

"I did," Ms. Woodhill answered with a grin.

Coach Reynolds burst out laughing and said, "I would have loved to hear that one."

Ms. Woodhill stood up when the offensive team took to the field. Cupping her hands over her mouth, she shouted, "Come on boys, hit a homerun!"

"You kill me," Coach Reynolds said wiping tears from his eyes.

Sitting down, Ms. Woodhill said, "Did I mention that Walt was signed by the Atlanta Rebels?"

"Your little brother got signed?" Coach Reynolds asked.

"Yes. He's going to have to spend a year or two in the minors before moving up to the big game, but he's going to make it. He's got a solid bat," Ms. Woodhill said.

"I remember," Coach Reynolds said.

"You've got a brother in pro baseball?" Jerry asked.

"Yes," Ms. Woodhill said.

Looking over at his English teacher, Sean asked, "Do you have any relatives in hockey or basketball that we might know about?"

"Not really," Ms. Woodhill answered.

"Her father is the head coach for the... ," Coach Reynolds said faltering when he caught a glimpse of Clea. His head swiveled to stare at the short woman walking past him. Unable to believe his eyes, he said, "She's got a beard."

Clea sat down next to Sean and pointed to the football field. She asked, "What is Max doing down there?"

"He's playing football," Sean answered.

"What's that?" Clea asked looking down at the football field. She rather liked the way that Max looked in his uniform.

"Who is that?" Coach Reynolds asked still staring at the woman with a beard.

"That's Clea," Sean answered.

"I'm Clea."

"Oh," Coach Reynolds said thinking that answer hadn't enlightened him at all.

"Max is her boyfriend," Suzie said.

Coach Reynolds asked, "Who is Max?"

"Max is one of the offensive linemen on our team," Ms. Woodhill said.

When the ball was snapped, the two lines charged into each other. Max was knocked onto his butt. Clea jumped up and put her hands on her hips. Angry, she said, "Did you see what that guy did to Max?"

"That's part of the game," Suzie said.

"I'm going to go down there and throw that guy between those two posts at the other end of the meadow," Clea said.

"Don't do that. He'll get thrown out of the game," Sean said trying to pull Clea back down in her seat.

"Where are the rest of the Dwarves?" Suzie asked wanting to get Clea's mind off the action on the field.

"Oh, they'll be along any time now. I was driving," Clea said sitting back down.

"You drove here?" Sean asked with a nervous flutter in his stomach.

"Yes. I hit a really good bump and everyone else flew out of the chariot," Clea said. She smiled when Max knocked the other guy on his butt. She jumped up and shouted, "Way to go, Max."

"You're going to get a ticket for driving without a license," Sean said.

Clea said, "After our last little visit to the police station, the police decided that dwarves don't need driver's licenses."

"Dwarves? She's a Dwarf?" Coach Reynolds asked staring at Clea.

Sid shrugged his shoulders and said, "We have a real multi-cultural community here. We have nymphs, dwarves, fairies, and leprechauns."

"You don't say?" Coach Reynolds said shaking his head. He figured that he should have heard about this before now.

"Don't forget the brownies, gnomes, elves, imps, and troll," Sean said.

Surprised that Sean had mentioned the gnomes, Jerry asked, "You know about the gnomes?"

"Yes. We have one in our backyard," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

"We've got two of them — Edgar and Isobel," Jerry said.

"That's nice," Sean said wondering what a female gnome looked like.

Jerry said, "They are kind of lazy. All they do is stand in one spot and watch the grass grow."

"That's what gnomes do," Sean said.

"Gnomes?" Coach Reynolds asked. He was wondering how it was that everyone was so accepting of having magical creatures walking around.

Sid looked over at Coach Reynolds and said, "My girlfriend is a water nymph. I'd bring her to the game, but I can't get her to wear any clothes."

"Clothes?" Coach Reynolds echoed.

"She's a nudist," Sid said shrugging his shoulders.

"A nudist?"

Sid said, "I'm not complaining or anything. It is just that all of the guys chase her."

"That's understandable," Coach Reynolds said moving a little closer to Ms. Woodhill so that he'd be able to better protect her.

"I'm the only one she lets catch her," Sid said.

"I'd like to catch a nymph," Jerry said. He sighed wistfully recalling the wood nymph that he had spotted the other day in the woods behind his house.

A line of dwarves walked past Coach Reynolds and sat down on the bench in front of Sean. He stared at the group incredulous. He leaned over to Ms. Woodhill and asked, "More Dwarves?"

"Yes," Ms. Woodhill answered keeping her eyes on the football field. She added, "Our team isn't doing very well."

Sean looked them over and noticed that one of the dwarves was missing. He asked, "Where's Thur?"

"Oh, he had a little accident," Chom said looking around.

"What kind of accident?" Suzie asked not sure that she actually wanted to hear an answer.

Chom said, "Clea was driving us down the road and hit the brakes. Thur flew through the air..."

"And, uh, he landed on a truck that was passing by," Pip said. He had actually landed on the side of the truck and then scrambled onto the top. He had left a nice dent in the shape of a dwarf on the side of the truck.

"I stopped to avoid hitting the truck," Clea said shrugging her shoulders.

"A truck?" Sean asked, "What kind of truck?"

"One of those real big ones with all of those wheels," Chom said.

"Was he okay?" Suzie asked concerned about Thur. They all talked about not being easy to hurt, but she still worried about them.

"He was fine," Pip said dismissive of her concerns. Dwarves were pretty tough.

"The last we saw of him he was standing on top of the truck waving goodbye," Clea said.

"When was this?" Suzie asked.

"Yesterday," Clea answered.

Chom looked around at the other people in the stands. Seeing that they were eating and drinking, he said, "They have sodas and popcorn here."

"Yes, they do," Suzie said.

"You have to pay for them here," Sean said when all of the Dwarves started to get up from their seats.

"We're going to have to do something about money," Pip said in a depressed tone of voice. The plant lady was always chasing them out of the convenience store.

Chom said, "There's all that stuff in Sean's desk drawer."

"Stay out of my money," Sean said afraid that he was going to find his money drawer empty. He was still trying to figure out how to get some gold for the next magic gift.

"He's in a bad mood," Chom said.

"Yes, he is," Pip said looking over at Sean.

Liam and Agar arrived. Agar said, "I bet I went two hundred yards on that last bump."

"It was a good one," Liam said nodding his head.

Sean said, "I was wondering where you were."

In a very cheerful voice, Liam said, "Hello, Sean. Hello, Suzie."

"Hi, Liam," Suzie said.

Coach Reynolds leaned over to Ms. Woodhill and asked, "Are they Leprechauns?"

"Yes," she answered and then groaned when the referee threw another flag on the play. She stood up and shouted, "Hey Umpire. We know you're blind, we've seen your wife!"

"There was something that I wanted to tell the two of you, but I don't remember what it was," Liam said tapping his chin with his finger.

Agar rubbed his chin thoughtfully for a second and then suggested, "Maybe it was about their mothers."

"Come to think of it, it was about their mothers," Liam said nodding his head.

"What about our mothers?" Suzie asked getting worried.

"What about our mothers?" Sean asked not nearly as concerned as Suzie.

Agar said, "They sat down on the bench they put out for us and now they can't stand up."

"You don't say," Sean said.

"Maybe we ought to go see if they are okay," Suzie said a little worried about her mother.

"Why?" Liam asked.

Suzie looked around and said, "It is kind of dark."

Pip said, "You're so observant."

"Now that you mention it, it is kind of dark," Sean said nodding his head in agreement.

"She is observant," Chom said nodding his agreement with Pip.

Suzie said, "We need to do something."

Sean asked, "Why?"

"Our mothers are sitting on a bench in the middle of the dark woods," Suzie said as if that explained everything.

Sean said, "I can imagine the scene. Our mothers are sitting on a hard bench in the middle of the woods. The trees are making creepy noises. Owls are hooting in the distance. Do they care that it is dark? No. They are sitting side by side discussing how to make my life miserable."

"What would happen if some wild animal were to discover them?" Suzie asked thinking that Sean was probably right about what they were doing.

"You're right. We better get over to them to protect the wildlife," Sean said getting out of his seat.

"I thought you would see it my way," Suzie said rolling her eyes.

"Always," Sean said.

Suzie said, "I bet they did the superglue thing."

Nodding his head in agreement, Sean said, "I warned her about using superglue."

"You should stop and get some nail polish remover on the way there," Jerry said.

"Why?" Suzie asked.

"My dad glued his fingers together. He called the hospital and they told him to use some nail polish remover that has acetone in it to dissolve the glue," Jerry said.

"How did he glue his fingers together?" Sean asked out of curiosity.

"I asked him exactly that same question," Jerry answered.

"What did he say?" Sean asked.

"He said that he didn't want to talk about it," Jerry answered shrugging his shoulders.

Sean said, "That is my mom's favorite answer to all of my questions."

"Funny isn't it. They ask us a question and they expect a full answer," Jerry said.

Suzie said, "You know, I've never tried that answer."

"Me either," Sean said. He wondered how that answer worked on parents.

Jerry looked blank and then said, "Come to think of it, neither have I."

"Are we going to go rescue our mothers?" Suzie asked.

"You mean rescue the wildlife from our mothers?" Sean asked.

"Yes," Suzie said rolling her eyes.

"Let's go," Sean said. He looked over at the game and noticed that the other team had made another touchdown. He said, "The game is going well. It is only forty-one to zero."

"It is still the first quarter. We still stand a chance of scoring a point," Suzie said.

Disgusted, Ms. Woodhill said, "We need a new goalie."

"You need a new coach," Coach Reynolds said.

In the woods, Mrs. Emery sat on the wood bench staring up at the stars. The sun had set a long time ago. She asked, "How long do you think it will be before someone notices that we haven't come home?"

"I figure about breakfast time," Sean's mother answered.

"Sounds about right to me," Mrs. Emery said with a sigh.

Sean's mother asked, "When do you think they'll think of looking for us here?"

"About lunch time. My husband can handle cereal, but sandwiches confuse him," Mrs. Emery said.

Looking down at the bench, Sean's mother said, "I really thought the superglue would work."

"Me too," Mrs. Emery said. She tried it to get up again, but the superglue had bonded with her pants. She shook her head and said, "We shouldn't have gotten a bench with a back. We might have been able to shimmy out of our jeans."

"You're right," Sean's mother said. She asked, "Who do you think will find us?"

Mrs. Emery said, "I hope one of our husbands finds us."

"Me too," Sean's mother said.

"Of course, with the way our luck is going Sean will find us," Mrs. Emery said.

"There's a light coming this way," Sean's mother said noticing the trees getting lit up in the distance.

"Please be my husband," Mrs. Emery said.

"Please be my husband," Sean's mother said.

"Anyone except Sean," Mrs. Emery said.

"It is a truck," Sean's mother said.

"Don't be gold. Oh no. It is gold," Mrs. Emery said sagging down in her seat.

"Act casual."

Sean stopped the truck next to the bench. He got out carrying a rather large bag in one hand and walked around to let Suzie out. Suzie climbed out of the truck and stood next to Sean. They looked over at the two mothers. The two women sat there trying to look relaxed and causal.

"It is kind of late to be sitting out here all by yourselves," Sean said gesturing to the dark woods.

"We just wanted to get out of the house for a bit," his mother said.

Sean asked, "Are you running away from home?"

"We were thinking about it," his mother answered.

Sean pointed down the road and said, "The bus stop is at the other end of the road."

"You don't say," his mother answered.

"It is true. I had never noticed it until Sean pointed it out to me," Suzie said with a smile.

Sean looked around and asked, "Have any wild animals been by?"

"Just a Tom Cat," Mrs. Emery said.

"I bet you scared him away," Sean said.

Mrs. Emery said, "Snip snip."

Suzie smiled and asked, "Would you like a ride home?"

"Maybe," Mrs. Emery said.

"Well, get in the truck and we'll take you home," Sean said gesturing to his truck.

"We can't," his mother said.

"Why can't you?" Sean asked.

"We're stuck," Mrs. Emery mumbled.

"What was that?" Sean asked cupping his ear.

Suzie said, "I couldn't make out what you said."

"We're stuck," his mother said. She stuck her tongue out at him for having made her admit that aloud.

"How did that happen?" Sean asked bending down to look at the bench. He was careful not to touch it.

"We'd rather not talk about it," Mrs. Emery said.

"We would," Suzie said with a smile.

Sean said, "Definitely. I'm sure that this will be a story that I'll tell the grandkids."

Looking at Sean, Mrs. Emery said, "You'll drop the subject if you ever expect to get laid again."

"Subject dropped," Sean said frantically.

"Dropped and forgotten," Suzie said.

"You wouldn't happen to have a saw with you?" Sean's mother asked.

Holding up the bag, Sean said, "We brought nail polish remover."

"Nail polish remover?" Mrs. Emery asked wondering why they had brought nail polish remover.

"It dissolves superglue," Suzie said.

Holding the bag out to them, Sean said, "Here you go."

When neither woman reached out to take the bag, Suzie asked, "Don't you want to get free?"

"Our hands are stuck," Sean's mother muttered.



-------

Chapter 45


Tongue stuck out the corner of his mouth, Sean drilled the hole through the sheet of transparent acrylic. His little project was not going as easily as he had thought it would. The acrylic kept melting and gumming up the drill bit. He had to keep stopping periodically to order the melted acrylic to get off of the drill bit. It was even worse when he cut it with the saw.

"What are you doing?" his father asked looking over Sean's shoulder.

"I'm working on my biology project," Sean answered. He pulled the drill bit off the sheet of acrylic and ordered the melted plastic off the bit.

"I thought you were supposed to raise an animal," his father said watching Sean do his little bit of magic.

"I am," Sean replied. He finally managed to cut the hole. After examining the hole, he decided that it was almost round. He hoped that it was close enough to work.

"That's an odd looking animal," his father said trying to figure out what kind of strange contraption Sean was constructing.

"It is going to be even stranger when I get it finished," Sean said. He had thought it was going to be a relatively easy project. Who knew that working with acrylic was such a difficult thing to do? He hadn't.

"What is it?" his father asked giving upon trying to figure out what Sean was building based on the parts scattered around the garage.

"Right now it isn't anything," Sean answered looking around at all of the small sheets of acrylic that he had cut.

"What is it going to be?" his father asked. Sean had just about every tool that he owned set out on the workbench.

"I'm not sure what it will end up being, but I'm pretty sure that it won't be what I wanted it to be," Sean answered scratching his head. All of his parts were almost like what was shown in the picture. He hoped that it would all fit together when he was done.

"I've experienced that," Sean's father said nodding his head knowingly.

"I know," Sean said. That was why he didn't want his father helping him.

"Do you need some help?" his father asked.

Sean shook his head and said, "No thanks. I can probably mess this up all by myself."

"I'm sure that you can," his father said with a grin. He heard a noise behind him and turned to check it out. "You've got visitors."

"Oh no," Sean said upon turning around. There were three dwarves poking into the material that he had stacked by the garage door.

"What are you doing?" Chom asked.

"I'm talking to my father," Sean answered evasively.

"He's holding a tool," Clea said noticing the drill in Sean's hand.

"He must be making something," Chom said.

"That's a logical conclusion," Pip said. He went over and climbed up onto the workbench. He walked over to where Sean was working and bent over to check it out. Shaking his head, he said, "There's not a scrap of metal to be found here."

"That's right," Sean said.

Clea picked up a piece of paper and said, "I found his plans."

"Can I see that?" Sean's father asked heading over to where Clea was standing. She was holding the piece of paper in her hands. She rotated it around while studying the picture.

"You can't tell top from bottom on this," Clea said.

"Uh oh," Sean said. He had a feeling that he was just about to lose control of his project.

"What is it?" Clea asked squinting at the drawing.

Sean's father looked at the plans and answered, "I have no idea."

Chom and Pip gathered around and studied the plans. Chom said, "It is poorly designed, whatever it is."

"We could do it better," Pip said nodding his head in agreement.

"You're right. We could," Clea said. She held the page on a diagonal and added, "That's the way you're supposed to look at it."

Pip said, "It looks totally useless."

"You can say that again," Chom said.

"It looks totally useless," Pip said.

"I think there are some parts that don't need to be there," Chom said pointing at the drawing.

"I concur," Pip said nodding his head.

"We'll just have to leave them out," Chom said tugging on his beard.

"Some parts are missing," Pip said.

"That's right. No wonder the design is so bad," Chom said tugging on his beard thoughtfully.

Turning her head so that she was looking at the plans sideways, Clea said, "It would be a challenge to build."

"You don't even know what it is supposed to do," Sean said getting worried. It was approaching dinner time and he was afraid that they would take over his project.

"So?" Chom asked.

"How can you make something when you don't even know what it is?" Sean asked.

"That's never stopped us before," Pip said.

"Not once," Clea said.

"Never," Chom said.

Sean said, "There's a first time for everything."

"It will never happen," Pip said.

Jabbing a finger at the plans, Chom said, "This is a project worthy of a Dwarf."

"We should get started on it now," Clea said.

"Don't worry about it. I'll finish it," Sean said trying to keep control of the project.

"Nonsense. We'll do it," Chom said picking up all of the acrylic sheets that were on the floor.

Pip said, "It will be done in no time."

"None whatsoever," Clea said picking up the PVC pipes.

"I need it by Monday morning," Sean said knowing what was going to happen next.

"Now that's a problem," Chom said stopping what he was doing. The other Dwarves stood around nodding their heads in agreement.

"This project looks like it could take a year to finish," Pip said gesturing over at the plans.

"No. I can finish it by Monday," Sean said trying to wrestle the sheets of acrylic from Chom.

"Pish," Chom said.

"Posh," Pip said picking up the cans and tubes of glue.

"No way," Clea said. She looked over at the plans and said, "A month, maybe more."

"Come back here," Sean said when the Dwarves marched out of the garage with all of his supplies.

"We'll see you in a year or so," Pip said.

"This is a disaster," Sean said.

His dad patted him on the back and said, "Just think, you could have had me helping you."

"Thanks dad," Sean said shaking his head. He jumped when there was a minor explosion from the dwarves' workshop.

His dad asked, "What are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to order some more material," Sean said with a sigh.

"Why?" his dad asked.

"I'm going to have to start all over again," Sean answered staring out the garage door. He wondered how he was going to explain it to Mrs. Bird. He didn't think that she would believe that the Dwarves stole his homework.

Sean's father said, "You can worry about that later. Dinner is almost ready and I'm starving."

Walking around to the backdoor, Sean passed the Dwarves' workshop. The Dwarves were yelling and screaming at each other. There was the sound of someone hammering on an anvil. Imagining what was happening to the acrylic sheets, he said, "That was almost two hundred dollars worth of material."

"That's a bit of money," his father said.

"It is worse now that I've stopped getting an allowance," Sean said looking over at his father to see his reaction.

"You've stopped getting an allowance?" his father asked surprised to hear that.

"That's right. Now that mom isn't sending me to the store ten times a day, I'm not collecting any change from her," Sean said pleased to see that his father was surprised.

"That's not right," his father said.

"I agree," Sean said with a smile. He had a feeling that he was going to be getting an allowance again. Maybe they'd even pay him for the two months they had missed.

His father said, "We should be charging you rent now that you have a job."

"Uh," Sean said.

"I'll have your mother work up a bill," his father said clapping him on the back.

"No need to go to all of that trouble," Sean said with a worried frown.

"My pleasure," his father said with a grin.

"Really, there's no need," Sean said wondering if this happened to every teenager upon getting a job.

"I do enjoy these father-son talks," his father said opening the door to the house. The smell of garlic boiled out the door.

"Is that what this was?" Sean asked holding his nose upon smelling the garlic.

"Yes," his father said walking over to the table.

"Wash your hands," his mother said looking over at the pair of men.

"Yes, mother," Sean said heading towards the bathroom to wash his hands. He went in and scrubbed his hands using the soap with little granules of lava embedded within it. He looked at the bar and said, "I wonder if it was invented in Hawaii after some soap manufacturer had a volcano blow up next to his factory."

With clean hands, Sean headed back to the dinner table. There was a very large meatloaf on the table. He sniffed the air wondering from whence the garlic smell was coming. He said, "Meatloaf. I love your meatloaf."

"It is a new recipe," his mother said. She cut the meatloaf and tears appeared in her eyes.

Lily leaned back from the table and asked, "What's the matter with the meatloaf? It smells like garlic."

"The recipe called for two cloves of garlic," his mother answered with a smile. She had thought that was a lot of garlic, but she followed the recipe.

Sean's father said, "I like garlic."

"The cloves were really big," his mother said. She blinked her eyes to clear the tears from them.

Sean leaned over and looked at the meatloaf. Puzzled, he said, "I see at least two cloves worth of garlic just in that slice you just cut."

"That is two sections of a single clove," his mother answered.

"Cloves don't have sections," Sean's father said looking over at the meatloaf. This looked like it was going to be another dining disaster.

"Sure they do," Sean's mother said. The clove she had used must have had close to twenty large sections and a dozen very small ones.

"I don't think so," Sean said. He blinked his eyes to get the tears out of them. He said, "A bulb of garlic has cloves in it."

"You buy a clove of garlic and it has sections," Sean's mother said.

Lily frowned and said, "I think Sean is right."

"I cook and he doesn't. That should give you a very good idea of who is right and who is wrong," Sean's mother said placing a slice of meatloaf on Lily's plate.

Lily sat back in her chair to get as much distance as possible between her and the meatloaf. She was pretty sure that she could see fumes rising from it. She wondered if too much garlic was poisonous.

Sean said, "I have one word to say about that."

"What?" his mother asked looking across the table at him.

"Clamato juice," Sean answered. He gave his mother a big smile.

"That was an accident," his mother said dismissively.

"Besides, that's two words," Lily said as if that proved Sean wrong.

Sean asked, "How about the barbecued corned beef brisket?"

"That's four words," Lily said looking over at Sean.

"It is an easy enough mistake to make," his mother said.

Lily poked at her slice of meatloaf with a fork. Noxious fumes wafted off the meat. She said, "I think we're going to eat at the surf and turf tonight."

"Nonsense. It is just a little garlic," Sean's mother said.

Fumes that were nearly visible were rolling off the meatloaf. Sean said, "That's not a little bit of garlic."

"Quit complaining and eat," his mother said.

"I don't want to," Sean said.

"Me neither," Lily said staring at the meatloaf.

Their mother said, "You're not leaving the table without eating your dinner."

"If I die, you're paying for the funeral," Sean said while pointing a finger at his mother.

"You're not going to die," Sean's mother said.

His father watched Sean take a bite of the meatloaf. He leaned forward and watched Sean's eyes roll back in his head. He said, "That's interesting."

"Where did his eyes go?" Lily asked leaning forward to study Sean's face.

"I'm not sure," her father answered. He looked at Sean for a second noticing that sweat had broken out on his forehead. He said, "That's an interesting color."

"He's turning green," Lily said.

"It isn't really green. I'd almost say it is closer to gray," his father said.

Sean's mother rubbed her chin while studying the meatloaf. Finally, she said, "Maybe it needs a little ketchup on it."

"Is he breathing?" Lily asked with a concerned expression on her face. She'd never seen Sean looking like that.

"He's over acting. You'd think he was a Leprechaun or something," her mother said waving a hand dismissing Lily's concerns. She added, "It just needs a little ketchup."

Lily said, "He's scaring me."

"Have some meatloaf," her mother said wanting to get Lily's mind off of Sean.

"No," Lily said while folding her arms across her chest. She didn't think that she would look good if she turned that particular shade of green.

Sean groaned. His father said, "He's coming around."

"Put some ketchup on Sean's meatloaf," Sean's mother said.

Sean's father went to put some ketchup on the meatloaf, but the condiment wasn't coming out of the bottle. He gave it a mighty shake and a quarter of the bottle flew out making a loud splat. The meatloaf, part of the table cloth, and Sean was covered with the thick red ketchup. He said, "I hate it when that happens."

"I know what you mean," Sean's mother said.

Examining the ketchup bottle, Sean's father asked, "Why would they put a thick liquid in a bottle with a narrow neck like this?"

"So that it does exactly what it just did. You waste ketchup and have to buy it more frequently," Sean's mother answered.

Sean's father said, "Ah, another nefarious capitalistic plot to earn money through bad design."

"That's right."

"Ketchup comes in a squeeze bottle," Lily said.

"It does?"

"Yes," Lily said rolling her eyes.

"Maybe I'll buy some the next time I'm at the grocery store," her mother commented.

"It probably costs more," Sean's father said.

"It all comes down to money," Sean's mother said.

Sean's father said, "That reminds me - Sean was mentioning that he hasn't gotten any allowance since you stopped sending him to the store."

"I hadn't realized that," Sean's mother said.

"So what do you think we should do?" Sean's father asked. He looked over at Sean when he moaned.

"Start charging him rent?" Sean's mother asked in reply.

"That's what I told him."

Sean's mother smiled and said, "Great minds think alike."

"They do, don't they?" Sean's father said with a grin.

"Oh brother," Lily said. She scooted her chair back away from the table trying to put a little more distance between her and her dinner.

"I'll work up a bill," Sean's mother said.

"Good idea," Sean's father said.

"Eat your meatloaf," her mother said gesturing to the plate in front of Lily.

"After you," Lily said noticing that her mother hadn't taken any meatloaf.

Her mother said, "As you can see, I've cleaned my plate."

"You didn't even put anything on your plate yet," Lily said with a frown. She wasn't going to fall for that trick.

"I need to serve your father first."

"Please do," Lily said. The aroma of garlic coming from her plate was starting to make her dizzy.

"I'm not all that hungry," Sean's father said even as his wife dropped a slice of meatloaf on his plate.

"I'll give you two servings," Sean's mother said.

"No," Sean's father said staring at the gray mass of ground beef.

"Here you go," Sean's mother said while dropping another slice of meatloaf on his plate.

Sean moaned. His eyes flickered open and he stared at the plate in front of him feeling confused. There were two plates in front of him and he wondered why he had two plates. It took a few seconds for him to realize that his eyes were crossed.

She smiled and said, "He's coming around."

"I'm going to die; I threw up blood," Sean said upon getting his eyes focused and seeing the red liquid in front of him.

"That's ketchup, silly," Lily said.

"Oh, I was scared there for a minute," Sean said wiping his forehead. His hand now smelled like garlic.

"Have some more meatloaf," his mother said gesturing to his plate.

He looked around the table and noticed no one else had taken a bite to eat. He said, "No thanks."

"Lily," Sean's mother said gesturing at the plate.

"After you," Lily said.

Her mother asked, "Does anyone want some scrambled eggs and bacon?"



-------

Chapter 46


Bright and early Monday morning, Sean stepped out of the house holding his lunch bag as far from his body as possible. He hadn't even taken three steps out the door when he was immediately surrounded by dwarves. Chom asked, "What is that heavenly smell?"

"What heavenly smell?" Sean asked looking around. All he could smell was the garlic in the meatloaf sandwiches his mother had made for his lunch.

"That perfume coming from the bag that you carry," Clea said.

"This is my lunch," Sean said wondering when the Dwarves had learned sarcasm. He waved the bag around. He stopped waving it when he noticed that the Gnome had fallen over on his side.

"We've smelled that for two days now," Chom said unable to take his eyes off the bag.

"Torture is what it has been," Pip said.

"A most cruel and unusual punishment," Clea said nodding her head in agreement.

Sean said, "You can say that again."

"Tantalizing us with such a heavenly aroma," Chom said. He leaned forward and breathed deeply through his nose.

"I've got to have it," Pip said. His whole attention was fixated on the lunch bag.

"It is mine," Clea said licking her lips.

"I want it," Chom said.

Pip stared at the bag wondering if he could grab it and run before the other dwarves knew what was happening. Deciding that he could, he reached for the bag. Clea slapped his hand away and shouted, "Don't you dare."

"I wasn't going to do anything," Pip said trying to look innocent. He rubbed his hand.

"Yes you were," Clea said.

"What was he doing?" Chom asked unable to take his eyes off the lunch bag.

"He was going to grab it," Clea said shaking a finger at Pip.

"No I wasn't," Pip said.

"What will you take for it?" Chom asked.

"I want my project back," Sean said. A bird flying overhead at the time fell out of the sky stunned by the smell.

"You'll have it this afternoon," Clea said leaning forward to smell the bag.

"Take it," Sean said handing the bag to Clea.

"Alright," Clea shouted while dancing around the backyard.

Chom and Pip shouted, "Hey give us some of that."

Sean watched the two male dwarves chase Clea around the backyard demanding to be given a share of the sandwich. Pip tripped over Chom and the two dwarves rolled around on the lawn wrestling. Watching the action, Sean shook his head and said, "Thank goodness I didn't have to eat that."

Sean drove over to Suzie's house to give her a ride to school. She was outside waiting for him to arrive. Sean parked the car and got out to open the car door for her. Keeping her distance from him, she said, "I would kiss you, but you still smell like garlic."

"I am still sweating out the toxins that were in the meatloaf that mom served the other night," Sean said wiping the sweat from his brow. His hand came away smelling of garlic.

"How much did you eat?" Suzie asked.

Sean answered, "One bite."

"That must have had a lot of garlic in it," Suzie said waving a hand in front of her nose in an attempt to keep the odor away.

Sean said, "I'm sorry about Saturday night. I was feeling a little sick from dinner."

"I could tell," Suzie said. He had locked himself in the bathroom for the entire evening leaving her stuck with running the concession stand alone. When she had gone to check up on him, the noises that had penetrated through the door had an unnatural quality to them that had frightened her. She didn't think it was possible to be that sick.

"I can't believe that mom packed meatloaf sandwiches in my lunch bag," Sean said shaking his head.

"You brought lunch today?" Suzie asked.

"Don't worry. I gave it to the dwarves before I picked you up this morning," Sean said.

"You didn't?" Suzie asked horrified at the idea.

"They seemed to like it. They argued over it," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

"It won't kill them, will it?" Suzie asked.

"I don't think so. I am worried about the Gnome though," Sean said with a concerned look on his face.

"Why?" Suzie asked.

"It fell over on its side the moment the smell reached it," Sean answered.

"That doesn't sound good," Suzie said with a frown.

"I know," Sean said.

Hoping that she wouldn't hurt his feelings, Suzie asked, "I hope you don't mind that I'm going to sit as far from you as possible in the truck?"

"I understand," Sean said. This was not looking like it was going to be a good day.

Even by the class after lunch, the odor of garlic had not abated. Sean walked through the hallway of the school noticing that people were still avoiding him. It was as if there was a force field that extended five feet around him. Kids pressed against the wall in order to keep away from him. He looked over to Suzie and said, "I didn't realize we went to school with a bunch of vampires."

"Vampires?" Suzie asked.

"They seem to be afraid of garlic," Sean said. He exhaled loudly in the direction of a freshman. The poor kid stumbled back as if slapped.

"Don't pick on the freshman," Suzie said. She would have slapped him on the arm, but she was staying outside the sphere of garlic and he was too far away.

"Okay," Sean said. He noticed Tom approaching him. He asked, "How about I pick on Tom?"

"You're not a bully," Suzie said giving him one of those looks.

Sean was very familiar with that look. It was the look she gave him when he was going overboard and it was time for him to stop. He looked around and then said, "Okay."

"See, that wasn't so hard," Suzie said when Tom went over to the wall to keep as much distance between him and Sean.

"I just wanted to be like my favorite Marble Comic superhero," Sean said looking disappointed.

Puzzled, Suzie asked, "Which superhero is that?"

"Gingivitis Guy," Sean answered.

Suzie laughed and asked, "I probably know the answer, but what is his super power?"

"He stops villains in their tracks using his overpowering bad breath," Sean answered with a grin.

"I thought so," Suzie said just as they reached her class. She stopped and faced Sean holding her books in front of her.

Sean said, "Well, we're here."

"I know," Suzie said looking across the hallway at him. The poor guy looked positively miserable.

"I'd kiss you goodbye, but I'd probably be late to the library," Sean said giving her an excuse not to get near him.

"Maybe tomorrow we can kiss," Suzie said. She kissed her hand and then blew a kiss to him.

"Maybe," Sean said.

He started to kiss his hand, but stopped when she said, "Don't you dare!"

Sean walked away while mumbling, "Now I know why Gingivitis Guy is single. They don't tell you that in the Marble Comic books."

Sean made his way to the library where he spent the time when he normally would have been in gym. The librarian, Mr. Booker, noticed him arrive and said, "Hello Sean. How's my favorite student?"

"Hello, Mr. Booker. I'm more or less fine," Sean said. He knew that he was Mr. Booker's favorite student because he was the first student to step into the school library in two years.

Mr. Booker stepped back and said, "Whoa! Did you have Shrimp Scampi for lunch?"

"No. I had meatloaf Saturday night," Sean answered.

Mr. Booker said, "That explains it. You're sweating it out. You should have tried eating a bunch of parsley with it. That would have kept the garlic smell away."

"Really?" Sean asked. He looked around and asked, "You wouldn't happen to have any parsley around here?"

"No," Mr. Booker answered with a laugh. "All I have are books."

"Would eating a book on parsley help?" Sean asked. He was rather desperate.

"No, Sean. You should probably take a good hot steam bath and just sweat it out at this point," Mr. Booker said.

"Do you know where there's a good steam bath?" Sean asked.

"I think Coach Slaughter has a sauna at his house. He got it when he was training for the triathlon," Mr. Booker said.

"Oh. I can't really ask him. I'm not really his favorite person on campus," Sean said.

Mr. Booker smiled and said, "I can understand that."

"Triathlon? Isn't that the race with running, swimming, and biking?" Sean asked.

"Coach Slaughter is actually quite the athlete," Mr. Bookman said.

"He sure can't coach football," Sean said.

"Of course he can't. He's never played the game. He went through college on a gymnastics scholarship and nearly made it to the Olympics. After college, he competed in the triathlon held in Hawaii," Mr. Booker said.

"He should learn about football from Ms. Woodhill. I was told that she's an expert on the game," Sean said.

"At the last basketball game she was shouting to the center to hike the ball," Mr. Booker said shaking his head.

"Her twin brother is Carl Woodhill of the Florida Fishes. She actually knows a lot about the game according to her boyfriend," Sean said.

"Who is her boyfriend?"

Sean answered, "Coach Reynolds of the Fighting Tigers. He mentioned something about going over the game tapes with her."

"Does Coach Slaughter know about that?" Mr. Booker asked with a frown.

"I doubt that he could be bothered," Sean said dismissively.

Mr. Booker looked at Sean and said, "Don't sell Couch Slaughter short. He's a very competitive man and he doesn't like losing. Believe me, he really doesn't like losing."

"That's kind of what I figured," Sean said. That was the reason he was keeping his distance from Coach Slaughter.

"Why don't you visit him and tell him about Ms. Woodhill?" Mr. Booker suggested. He thought it might be a good way for Sean and Coach Slaughter to bury the hatchet.

"Maybe I'll do that," Sean said.

"He might let you use his sauna," Mr. Booker said.

"Or he might suggest that I run thirty laps instead," Sean said.

"That's true," Mr. Booker said.

Deciding that he would think about it, Sean said, "I'll go read stuff for my biology paper until it is time for my biology class."

"I thought you were doing one of her projects," Mr. Booker said with a frown. Last week, Sean had been in the library reading all about his project.

"I'm doing all three," Sean said.

"Ambitious," Mr. Booker said.

"Bored," Sean replied. He went to his favorite seat and headed over to the shelf where biology books where stored. He picked up a book on invertebrates to look for a suitable subject for his report. He figured that there had to be some creature so disgusting, so foul, and so simple that no one would have ever picked it before.

Setting the book on the table, he used his magic to open it. The book opened to a picture of starfishes. Looking at the picture, he said, "Everyone likes starfishes. There's got to be something worse than that in this book."

A couple of pages later, Sean said, "That's perfect."

-------

"The Dwarves absconded with the materials for my project," Sean said shuffling from one foot to the next.

"That's an excuse I've never had," Ms. Bird said.

Sean asked, "What kind of excuses have you had?"

"I'd say that the best one to date was that my project ate my project," Ms. Bird said after thinking about it for a second.

"How did they expect you to believe that?" Sean asked.

Ms. Bird answered, "The young man used a wood box to house his termites."

"That is a good excuse," Sean said.

"One does learn to appreciate interesting excuses in this job," Ms. Bird said with a smile.

"I suppose so," Sean said returning to his seat.

Turning to the next student who had failed to bring in their habitat for their project, Ms. Bird asked, "George, where's your project?"

"My project ate my project," George answered red-faced.

"Oh? How did that happen?" Ms. Bird asked.

George answered in a mumble, "I put my termites in a wood box."

"I have heard that excuse before," Ms. Bird said patting George on the arm.

Sean said, "It does sound familiar."

"I built the box in woodshop," George said.

Sean said, "Trying to get credit in two classes for the same project. I can appreciate that."

"It didn't work quite the way I anticipated. Now my shop teacher is angrier than a wet hen and I'm liable to fail the course," George said.

"Why?" Sean asked.

"We have termites loose in the school's woodshop," George answered.

Ms. Bird said, "I can see where that would be a problem."

"How was I supposed to know that they would eat the box rather than the food that I put in there for them?" George asked.

"Did you explain the difference to them?" Sean asked with a smile.

"No," George answered.

"That was your mistake," Sean said thinking George should have known that as far as termites were concerned that wood was wood.

"You're right. Next time I'll tell them not to eat their house," George said.

Ms. Bird looked over at Sean and shook her head. She said, "I don't think the termites speak English."

"Oh," George said.

"Find someone that speaks termite," Sean suggested.

"Use an aquarium and make sure you have a good cover for it," Ms. Bird said.

"Okay," George said.

Ms. Bird turned to the next person and asked, "Katie. Where's your project?"

"Um, my dad is still trying to build the habitat," Katie answered looking down at the floor. There was no way she was going to tell her father that she was going to fail Biology because he hadn't finished the habitat for her project.

"When will he be done?" Ms. Bird said.

"I'm hoping that he'll get it right soon. I don't know if we'll survive another failed attempt," Katie answered. Her father had been in a bad mood all weekend.

"Bring it in when he gets done with it," Ms. Bird said. That was one excuse she had learned was a good one. She had once made the mistake of calling up the parent involved. After listening to one of the most impressive swearing sessions that she had ever heard she had hung up the telephone.

Thinking this would be a good way to get his helpers out of the way, Sean said, "I have a couple of Dwarves you can borrow. They'll build it for you."

Seeing a possible end to the insanity at home, Katie asked, "Really?"

"Well, you'll have to negotiate a deal with them," Sean said.

Frowning, Katie asked, "How much will it cost?"

"The raw material and a couple of sodas," Sean answered.

"That's cheap," Katie said.

"You won't think so by the time you're done negotiating with them," Sean said.

Katie asked, "Could you help me negotiate with them?"

"I'm not that bad of an actor," Sean answered earning a blank stare from Katie.

The bell rang and Sean stood up to leave. Ms. Bird said, "Get your projects in as soon as possible."

"Yes, ma'am," Sean said hoping that the Dwarves would honor the deal in giving back the materials for his project. Since he didn't have to work that night, he might be able to finish it.

Ms. Bird said, "Sean, you never did tell me what animal you're going to raise."

"That's a secret," Sean answered with a grin.

Shaking her head, Ms. Bird said, "Schools over. You better get to your girlfriend."

Sean left the room filled with skeletons and met up with Suzie in the hallway. She held up a hand and said, "That's close enough."

"Okay," Sean said.



-------

Chapter 47


While there are some that might have felt that Suzie was in complete control of the relationship between her and Sean, she had gotten used to having him around. After all, she had fantasized about having him for a boyfriend for years and the reality had far exceeded fantasy. The lack of intimacy for the past three days had driven home the point that she was just as much in love with him as he was with her. She didn't know how she would last another day without wrapping herself around him.

When Sean arrived at his truck to meet with Suzie to give her a ride home, she walked over to him with her arms outstretched to give him a kiss. As soon as she stepped within four feet of him, she stepped back and said, "Whoa. I thought that smell of garlic would be gone by now."

"Sorry," Sean said disappointed that the closest she could get to him was four feet. Of course, what really disappointed him was that he hadn't kissed her in three days.

Suzie sighed and said, "This has got to come to an end soon."

"Yeah," Sean said.

"I can't take it much longer," Suzie said. She tried to step closer, but the odor of garlic drove her back.

"Same here," Sean said.

Licking her lips, Suzie said, "I was looking forward to spending the night with you last Saturday night."

"I wasn't feeling well," Sean said getting seriously depressed.

"I had all kinds of ideas for that night," Suzie said. She ran her hands over her chest and then hugged herself in frustration.

"Uh," Sean said watching her hands.

She rubbed her legs together and said, "I can't stand it."

"Ug," Sean said.

"You've got to do something. If I can't get my hands on you I'm going to explode," Suzie said. Her entire body undulated in an extremely sexy manner.

"Dim bumb," Sean said.

"Do something," Suzie said impatiently.

Entranced, Sean stepped forward to kiss her, but the odor of garlic forced her back. Hurt by her reaction, he said, "Ing mung mim, awww."

"It is too strong," Suzie said near tears.

Sean thought about what Mr. Booker had suggested about sweating the garlic from his system. Despite that fact that he didn't really like the idea of visiting Coach Slaughter, he was beginning to get desperate. He said, "I go slaughter and sweat."

"Huh?" Suzie asked.

"Coach Slaughter sweat, I go."

"What are you going to do to Coach Slaughter?" Suzie asked confused.

Sean took a deep breath in an attempt to gain control over his hormones and said, "I'll go to Coach Slaughter and sweat in his sauna."

"He has a sauna?" Suzie asked.

"Yes," Sean said.

Thinking about it, Suzie said, "That just might work."

"Mr. Booker suggested it," Sean said frustrated by his overwhelming desire to wrap his arms around her.

Pointing to the truck, Suzie said, "Go there now!"

Worried about the kind of welcome he would receive, Sean knocked on the front door of Coach Slaughter's house. The door opened and the Coach started to say something until overpowered by the odor of garlic. He stepped back and shook his head. The effect of getting hit with the garlic odor was the same as having an ammonia capsule broken under his nose. It definitely cleared his sinuses. Sean took advantage of the distraction to say, "Hello Coach Slaughter."

"It's you," Coach Slaughter said.

"Yes," Sean said wiggling his eyebrows.

"What are you doing here?" Coach Slaughter asked convinced that nothing good was going to come of this.

"Mr. Booker suggested that I come over to talk football with you."

"Football?" Coach Slaughter asked knowing that Sean was not athletically inclined. He was still trying to figure out how Sean had managed to beat him in the pushup contest. He wondered if breath that bad would force the ground to push him away.

"Oh and to borrow your Sauna so that I could get rid of the garlic smell," Sean said. Suzie had been rather assertive in demanding that he get rid of the garlic smell as quick as possible.

Coach Slaughter looked down at Sean's scrawny legs and then said, "You could just run thirty laps and sweat that garlic smell away."

"I told Mr. Booker that you would say that," Sean said thinking that this hadn't really been all that great of an idea. He added, "Mr. Booker said that you would be interested in my suggestions about how you might start winning football games."

"Mr. Booker, eh?" Coach Slaughter asked. The librarian had found him some books on football to read when he had gotten the job as a coach. He jogged on occasion and was a descent enough jogging partner.

"That's right," Sean said. He figured the Coach didn't think too much of Mr. Booker. A male librarian was probably not too high up on the food chain as far as athletes were concerned.

"He's a good man. We occasionally jog together in the morning," Coach Slaughter said opening the door a little wider. Half tempted to tell Sean to leave; he gave Mr. Booker the benefit of the doubt and decided that he would listen to what Sean had to say. He grunted, "Come in."

"To my parlor said the spider to the fly," Sean said peering into the house. He figured that the Coach had torture equipment in the form of exercise equipment in every room of the house.

"Come in," Coach Slaughter repeated making sure that he kept far enough away from the cloud of garlic fumes that surrounded Sean.

Sean stepped through the door and looked around the room. It looked like a normal living room. It even had furniture instead of exercise bikes and rowing machines. He said, "Nice."

"You look surprised," Coach Slaughter said.

"I was expecting exercise equipment," Sean said relaxing a little.

Coach Slaughter raised an eyebrow, but said, "So what is this about talking football?"

"You need to take Ms. Woodhill as an assistant coach," Sean said.

Coach Slaughter laughed at the suggestion and said, "She knows nothing about the game."

Sean said, "She knows more about it than you."

"How can you possibly say that?" Coach Slaughter asked.

"Quite easily. I can even say it three times in a row real fast," Sean said.

Shaking his head, Coach Slaughter said, "Tell me one thing that can convince me of that."

"Her twin brother is the quarterback of the Florida Fishes and her boyfriend is a coach for the Fighting Tigers. She actually knows a lot about the game according to Coach Reynolds," Sean replied. He paused and said, "That's two things. Sean, my boy, you are an overachiever."

"You're kidding?" Coach Slaughter said. He had met Coach Reynolds at a coaching camp the previous summer.

"No. I really am an overachiever," Sean said.

"Not that. Her brother and boyfriend thing," Coach Slaughter said.

"Her twin brother is Carl Woodhill," Sean said.

"I've heard of him. I didn't know he was related to her," Coach Slaughter said. There was no way that someone growing up with a football player of that stature could help but know a lot about the game.

"She's got a boyfriend who isn't her brother but used to play with his brother," Sean said.

"Coach Reynolds?"

"Right. He was telling us that he often goes over game tapes with her to help spot problems with the offense for their team," Sean said.

"She calls the quarterback the pitcher," Coach Slaughter said unable to believe what Sean was telling him. Everything she said about sports, suggested that she knew less about football than he did.

"She's just having a little fun with people. Like me, she's a lot smarter than people think," Sean said.

"And she's just as irritating," Coach Slaughter said.

"Talk to her," Sean said.

"I'll talk to her," Coach Slaughter said. He had never really liked the ditzy English teacher since she was always spouting poetry in his general direction.

"Great. Mr. Booker said that you would do that," Sean said nodding his head.

"I'll only do that because I hate losing more than poetry," Coach Slaughter said. He knew that the team wasn't doing well because he wasn't a good football coach. That hadn't been a problem before since there had been another coach who did the football coaching. He had done the soccer and the team had actually done quite well until the other coach retired. The football team now had four losing seasons in a row and there was a lot of grumbling over the matter.

"That's what I suspected," Sean said. He asked, "Can I use your sauna now that I've saved the entire football season?"

Whether Sean had saved anything remained to be seen. Coach Slaughter said, "Well, come into my weight room and get in the sauna. I figure about fifteen minutes in there should get rid of most of that garlic smell."

"Okay," Sean said following Coach Slaughter though the man's house. There were all kinds of pictures of the coach holding up awards and trophies on the wall. Sean stopped in front of one of the pictures and said, "That trophy is almost bigger than you."

"Oh, yeah. I was nine when I won that," Coach Slaughter said looking at the picture.

"It must be hell growing up as an athlete. Every year you compete, the trophies get smaller. I guess when you win the geriatric Olympics they give you a thimble," Sean said.

"What planet are you from?" Coach Slaughter asked.

"Rumors have it that I'm a native of Earth, but I'm not saying one way or the other," Sean said with a grin.

Coach Slaughter led him to the room that was intended to be the master bedroom. There was exercise equipment neatly lined up around the room along with a couple pieces in the center of the room. It looked like a professional gym. He said, "I had to use this room since it was the largest room in the house. It also has a shower in it."

"You really like exercising," Sean said stopping to examine a particularly gruesome looking piece of equipment. He had visions of being strapped in it and forced to exercise. A shudder went through his body.

"You've only got one body so you had better take care of it," Coach Slaughter said.

"That's why I avoid exercise at all times. People who exercise a lot seem to spend most of their time recovering from injuries," Sean said.

"It toughens you up."

"It hurts," Sean said.

The coach went over to where a wooden box with a door stood in the corner of the room. It was a small sauna. Coach Slaughter fiddled with a knob on the outside of the sauna setting the temperature to a moderate level. There was no sense in baking Sean. He said, "Strip out of your clothes and put a towel around your waist before you get inside."

Sean stood there looking stupid for a moment. He realized he hadn't thought through this little idea. He asked, "I'm supposed to strip?"

"Well, you don't want to sit in a sauna wearing your clothes," Coach Slaughter replied.

"I don't know about that," Sean said eyeing the sauna and the coach with suspicion. He looked over at the coach wondering if he was going to watch him strip.

Coach Slaughter said, "I set the timer for twenty minutes. Strip and get in. When you get out, take a shower and wash the sweat off of you. I'll come back in thirty minutes."

"Okay," Sean said watching the coach get a clean towel off of a stack by the shower door.

Hoping that he wouldn't have to listen to fifteen minutes of poetry, Coach Slaughter said, "I'm going to call Ms. Woodhill and talk to her."

"Good idea," Sean said waiting for the coach to leave.

"That crazy woman is going to spout poetry at me," Coach Slaughter muttered while leaving the room. "I hate poetry and she knows it."

Once the coach was gone, Sean got undressed and wrapped a towel around his waist. He stepped into the sauna shocked at how hot it was in the closet sized area. He sat down on a bench feeling the sweat roll off of his body. After a minute, he had reached his boredom threshold. Looking around, he said, "This is so boring."

A little bucket filled with water and a ladle in it caught his attention. He looked over at a little pile of rocks that were in a little container. He reached out to touch the rocks and pulled his hand back when he felt how hot they were. He said, "I bet that water is for cooling down the rocks."

Sean used the ladle to pour a little of the water on the hot rocks. An impressive amount of stream appeared instantaneously. He took a deep breath in and then exhaled. He swore that his breath was a sickly yellow color. He went over to the little window in the door of the sauna and starting waving his hands around. In a bad imitation of Belly Lugosi, he said, "It is I, the fog monster from the wooden box."

Sean wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there baking in the heat when he heard a giggle coming from the room outside the sauna. He stood up and looked through the little window in the door. Much to his amazement, Ms. Hawkins ran past wearing a cheerleader outfit. She stopped and flipped up the rear of her small little skirt showing that she wasn't wearing anything under it. Sean said, "Uh oh. I think someone forgot that I was here."

Oblivious to his audience, Coach Slaughter stood at the door with a grin on his face. Crooking his finger at Ms. Hawkins, he said, "Come here you naughty little school girl."

"Catch me if you can," Ms. Hawkins shouted back while giving her boyfriend a saucy wink.

"This doesn't look good for me," Sean said watching the pair running around the exercise equipment. He watched the couple run around the room for a minute. He returned to the bench and crossed his arms. He muttered, "He's going to kill me."

There were shouts and screams from the room outside the sauna. He listened for a minute and then said, "That doesn't sound human."

The timer went off, but the heat stayed on. Despite the fact that he was sweating profusely, Sean said, "I'm not getting out of here until it is quiet out there."

Sean had no idea how much time passed. Just when he would think that things were quieting down in the room, he would glance through the little window and catch bits and pieces of activities that were too intimate to interrupt. It did appear that Coach Slaughter wasn't the only gymnast in the room. Ms. Hawkins was twisted into positions that didn't look physically possible. He would return to his seat and wait for a little more time to pass before checking on the activities.

It got quiet for a bit and Sean went to the little window of the sauna to see if it was safe to leave. It wasn't. Stunned by the sight, he stepped back and said, "I didn't know that was humanly possible. There are two of them, but it looked like there were five arms and three legs."

He stepped back up to the window and looked through it again. He said, "My mistake. That was a leg. I wonder how she got it all the way up there."

All of that sweating was making him feel a little light headed. He decided that he better lie down on the bench to keep from falling over. He put a little more water on the rock to maybe cool it off a little more. Before he knew it, he was asleep.

The next thing Sean knew was Coach Slaughter was shaking him and saying, "I hope I didn't kill a student."

"That's not encouraging," Sean said slurring his words.

"I thought you were dead," Coach Slaughter said finding that his heart rate was coming back to normal.

"I thought so too," Sean said blinking his eyes.

"We've got to get you cooled off," Coach Slaughter said pulling Sean off the bench.

"I just want to sleep," Sean said feeling weak.

"You don't want to sleep," Coach Slaughter said.

Sean said, "You're right. I was having weird nightmares of aliens with five arms and three legs having sex. One of them looked a lot like you."

"It was just a dream," Coach Slaughter said.

"The horror! The horror of it all!" Sean screamed.

"You're dehydrated and over-heated," Coach Slaughter said.

Sticking her head in the room, Ms. Hawkins asked, "Is he dead?"

"Not yet," Coach Slaughter answered.

"Thank goodness," Ms. Hawkins replied. After the last discussion she had with Principal Charmers, she couldn't afford to be party to killing a student. She realized that she wasn't exactly dressed appropriately for interacting with a student and hustled out of the room.

"Let's get you in the shower," Coach Slaughter said leading Sean out of the little sauna. The cool air felt frigid after the heat of the sauna.

"What happened?" Sean asked finding that his legs weren't quite working. He was starting to remember what he had seen. It wasn't a nightmare, but reality. Little details quickly returned and he looked at Coach Slaughter.

"Uh, I had a visitor and forgot you were here," Coach Slaughter answered.

Sean said, "If Suzie was dressed in that skimpy little cheerleader outfit, I would have forgotten I was here. Of course, I do that regardless of what outfit she's wearing."

"Uh."

"Oops. That's another cat out of the bag," Sean said.

"You do that a lot," Coach Slaughter said wrestling Sean into the shower.

Sean said, "It is a gift. If I was a cat in a bag, I would definitely want me around."

"You're babbling," Coach Slaughter said. He turned the cold water knob. Sean screamed when the frigid water hit him. For some reason, the scream made Coach Slaughter feel a whole lot better.

After a cold shower, dressing, and drinking two classes of orange juice, Sean was beginning to feel human again. Mrs. Hawkins, dressed in clothes more appropriate for public life, entered the room and asked, "Are you feeling better?"

"I think so," Sean said.

"Good. I was worried about you," Ms. Hawkins said.

He looked at Ms. Hawkins and said, "If I had known you were here, I would have worn my underwear in the sauna."

"I'm sure you would have," Mrs. Hawkins said. She wasn't going to tell him the same thing.

"You are both quite limber, you know," Sean said. When Coach Slaughter and Mrs. Hawkins turned red, he asked, "I've got to know; with all those weird positions you two managed to get into -- is that tantrum sex?"

"Do you mean tantric sex?" Ms. Hawkins asked with a stutter on the last word when she realized that he had been watching them. She wondered how much he had seen.

"That's it," Sean said.

"No," Coach Slaughter answered forcing the word through a throat that didn't seem to work anymore. There was a little vein in his forehead that was throbbing.

Seeing that he had embarrassed them, Sean tried to make them feel a little more comfortable. He said, "Excuse my curiosity, but you two got in positions that I've never seen on the internet."

"We're both gymnasts," Ms. Hawkins said and then realized what she had just said. She turned an incredible purple color.

Sean pointed at the coach and said, "If you ever gave a public demonstration of that, I bet kids would be beating down the door to get into gym class."

"We'd rather not talk about it," Coach Slaughter said.

"I never knew the duck walk was a sexual position," Sean said looking at Coach Slaughter with awe. The whole episode had been an eye-opening experience. Shaking his head, he said, "Just watching you squat walking around like that with her on your lap almost made me want to rejoin the gym class."

"Don't!" Coach Slaughter screamed. He would give anything to make sure that Sean never joined the gym class again.

"You can't tell anyone what you saw," Ms. Hawkins said imagining the kinds of stories that would be circulating around the school. She'd have to move out of town.

"Never say a word," Coach Slaughter said.

"You've got to admit, that was impressive particularly the way her legs were sticking out there like that," Sean said unable to get the image out of his mind.

"Please, I beg of you. Don't say a word to anyone," Ms. Hawkins said. She wondered how she was going to ever face him again in class. Her greatest fear was having people discover that she was a slave to her female hormones and reproductive drive.

"Okay," Sean said. He turned to Coach Slaughter and said, "I can't wait to tell Suzie."

"You're killing us," Coach Slaughter said with a groan. Ms. Hawkins would have responded with more than a squawk, but she was having trouble breathing. Her life was passing in front of her eyes.

"Suzie and I are going to have to try some of those positions," Sean said. Ms. Hawkins started making little croaking noises. Sean looked at her and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Not really," she answered finding that she was experience a full fledged panic attack.

"You must have overdone it earlier," Sean said worried about his social studies teacher. He looked at the coach and said, "Maybe we ought to call an ambulance."

"Just go," Coach Slaughter said.

"Are you sure?" Sean asked wanting to be helpful.

"Yes."

Seeing that Ms. Hawkins was having trouble breathing, Sean said, "I know first aid."

"She'll be alright," Coach Slaughter said.

"I'll be more than happy to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation if she stops breathing."



-------

Chapter 48


Sean returned home having left the majority of the odor of garlic behind in the sauna. He would have stopped by Suzie's house on the way home, but his clothes still smelled of garlic. He figured that he would change clothes and then head over to her house. He parked his truck in the driveway and walked around the house. There in the center of the lawn was a construct made of acrylic. He walked over to it and examined it. It was completely different than the thing he had been trying to build.

He looked around, but the dwarves were nowhere to be seen. He sniffed the air and said, "I don't smell garlic. They either didn't eat the sandwich or they aren't around here."

He went over to the door to enter the house and ran into it when it didn't open. Stepping back, he said, "That's odd. We never lock the backdoor."

He knocked on the door. He could hear his mother shout, "I told you a hundred times — there's no more meatloaf! You ate it all."

"It's me," Sean shouted.

"Who?"

"Sean, your son."

"Prove it!"

"You owe me two months allowance!" Sean shouted back.

"I just had to make sure it was you."

Sean frowned and asked, "Who else would it be?"

There was a little rattle at the door. The knob slowly turned. The door opened about an inch which was just enough to make out his mother's eye. She asked, "Are you alone?"

"Yes," Sean answered little around to see if there was anyone else around. The only one in the yard was the gnome and he was still lying on his side.

"Quick, get in the house," his mother said opening the door a little.

Sean found himself flying through the door and landing on the floor. Little feet scampered across his back. He looked up to find his mother shouting at the Dwarves. They were crowded around the refrigerator and wrestling with each other.

Sean shook his head to clear it and asked, "What hit me?"

Chom managed to grab the door of the refrigerator and swung it open. He said, "We've got to have some more of that stuff."

"Get out!" Sean's mother screamed.

"Where are you hiding it?" Pip asked pulling things out of the refrigerator.

"She's hiding it?" Chom asked turning to give Sean's mother a look of distrust.

Pip answered, "She must be hiding it. Wouldn't you hide it if you had some?"

"Yes, I would," Chom answered.

"Hide what?" Sean asked picking himself up off the floor.

Chom said, "If we take him hostage maybe she'll give us some more."

"You know better than that," Clea said.

"She'd never make any of that meatloaf ever again if it meant getting him back," Pip said. He held up a jar of pickles and looked at it.

Chom said, "I forgot. She hates him."

"Hey!" Sean's mother said. "I don't hate him."

"You could have fooled me," Pip said. He opened the jar of pickles and smelled the contents.

"He's my baby boy. I love him," Sean's mother said.

"She does care for him," Pip said drinking the juice in the pickle jar. He belched.

"That makes him a good hostage," Clea said.

"Grab him," Chom shouted.

"Grab who?" Sean asked looking around wildly.

Ten minutes later, Chom was standing in the backyard with his arms crossed. They had fled the house without getting anymore meatloaf. Disgusted, he said, "We should have used a Leprechaun negotiate for us,"

"And share that Ambrosia with a Leprechaun?" Pip asked as if the suggestion was beyond ridiculous.

"We didn't get any of that Ambrosia so what would it matter if we had to share it with the Leprechauns or not?" Chom asked.

Considering the degree of failure their attempt to get more meatloaf had achieved, Pip said, "That's a good point."

"That's the whole point," Chom said shaking his head. "At least we escaped that vile woman who lives inside that chamber of horrors that masquerades as a house."

Thinking about the kinds of things that came out of that woman's mouth, Clea said, "It is hard to believe that she's a mother."

Sean shrugged his shoulders and said, "I was quite proud of her."

"She begged us to let her be the one who tortured you," Clea said looking at him with a puzzled expression. It was impossible to understand how Sean could defend his mother after what they had heard come out of her mouth.

Putting his hands over his stomach, Chom said, "I was never so sickened by anything in my entire life."

"It just goes to show how much she cares for me," Sean said.

"What do you mean?" Clea asked wide-eyed.

"She would have avoided permanent scars. When you are as attractive as I am, you worry about things like that," Sean answered. He took a moment to run his fingers through his hair.

Pip said, "The tortures she described were diabolical."

"She was going to make you to go to an ACME seminar on door to door sales techniques!" Clea said horrified by the idea. Even Genghis Khan had never come up with a torture that nasty.

Chom shivered and said, "That's a fate worse than death."

Looking proud, Sean answered, "You just have to admire her imagination."

"I thought I was going to die when she insisted on forcing you to watch an entire Kevin Coster film festival," Pip said. Just the idea of it gave him a headache.

"We'd have had to watch Dances with Wolverines," Clea said shuddering in horror. No one knew just how long that movie was because no one had survived to see the end of it.

"There's nothing worse than a bad story told poorly," Chom said shaking his head sadly.

"I tell you, she's an evil woman," Clea said.

Chom said, "It wouldn't have been so bad except she kept insisting that we go along to make sure the torture was being performed correctly."

"We were lucky to get out of that house with our lives," Pip said looking back at the house with an expression of terror on his face. He felt a little bad about having climbed over Chom during the great escape.

Rubbing the spot on his back where someone had run over him, Chom said, "Very lucky."

"Kevin Coster," Clea said in revulsion.

Pip said, "I'll have nightmares for a week after listening to her description of the pain that would produce. I'd look horrible with my eyes popped out of their sockets."

Sean said, "She was just warming up. I figure that she would have suggested an H&R Black tax preparation class next. I would have."

"Pure evil. What kind of mind could come up with those kinds of things?" Clea asked.

"Blood would have been running out of our ears after a half an hour of listening to American tax codes," Pip said.

"She would have followed that up by a concert of the worst singers from American Idiot. She would have insisted that they all sing 'I Likes Virgins' by Madame," Sean said.

"Brain damage. That's the effect she was trying to achieve," Chom said holding his hands over his ears at the thought of listening to that song.

Pip said, "It makes spending a year in the digestive system of a dragon sound like a vacation."

"You and dragons," Chom said.

"I hate dragons," Pip said. He spit on the ground.

Sean said, "I would have ended it with a visit to Congress."

"Senate or House of Representatives?" Clea asked wondering to what extreme Sean's mother would take her cruelty.

"House of Representatives," Sean answered.

"Just when I thought it could get no worse," Chom said collapsing on the ground.

"Death would have been the result," Pip said.

"You can say that again," Chom said finding that the world was spinning.

"Death would have been the result," Pip said.

"A most horrible and gruesome death," Clea said.

Pip said, "To think that she insisted that we go with her on that tour of horrors."

Sean said, "Well, she wanted you to know how much pain I would have suffered."

"Evil. We have met evil and it defeated us," Clea said sounding depressed.

"We should have brought in a Leprechaun to negotiate for us," Chom said.

Pip said, "We'll never get any of that meatloaf again."

Sean went over to the acrylic device. He asked, "What is this?"

"That's your project," Clea answered.

"It doesn't look like my project," Sean said.

"That's because your project was poorly designed. The only good thing about your design was the material," Clea said. She ran her hands over the acrylic and said, "This is wonderful stuff. It is like glass but not as fragile."

Chom stood by the device for a second and then said, "I wonder if we can make a car out of that stuff."

"That would be interesting," Pip said.

"A most interesting project," Chom said getting excited by the idea.

They would have discussed the subject more, but Suzie came charging up the path. She ran past the Dwarves and tackled Sean. Showering him with kisses, she said, "The garlic smell is gone."

"Ung," Sean said finding that he really enjoyed the feel of an excited woman squirming around atop him.

Looking down at the young couple making out on the ground, Chom said, "That was a short chase."

"No chase at all if you ask me," Pip said staring at the couple on the ground.

"More like an ambush," Clea said.

"It is supposed to be the man doing the ambushing," Chom said.

"Not the girl," Pip said.

Chom tapped his foot on the ground watching the couple roll around. He asked, "When are the clothes coming off?"

"That's a good question," Pip said.

"I'll ask it again," Chom said, "When are the clothes coming off?"

"I don't think the clothes are going to come off," Clea said. She noticed that the gnome had stood up to watch. Gnomes didn't get to watch nymphs getting caught very often.

Noticing the look of disappointment on the Gnome's face, Pip asked, "Why not?"

"She's a prude," Rose, one of the fairies, said while hovering beside Pip.

"Hello, Rose," Pip said. He hadn't noticed her arrive.

"Hello, Pip," Rose said while being joined by a half dozen other fairies.

Daisy said, "They are such a tease. They are always getting us excited and then leaving us frustrated."

"I wonder what she sees in him," Buttercup said.

"The nymphs said that he is well endowed."

"He caught one of the nymphs?" Pip asked wondering how he had missed that.

"They came back while the pair of them were at it."

"That must have been something to see," Pip said.

Chom said, "I wish I had been there to see that."

Brook, one of the nymphs in question, arrived on the scene with Willow and Mist. She watched the couple on the ground for a second and then said, "She's ruined him for us."

"I find that hard to believe," Pip said looking Brook over from top to bottom. Well, it was close to the top and nearly the bottom. Actually, it was from her chest down to the top of her legs.

"He doesn't even look at us," Willow said shaking her head.

"He just keeps looking at her."

"Rather insulting if you ask me."

"She wasn't too happy to see us."

"They never are."

"That's true."

"They can't compete with us."

"She can."

"I know."

"I wonder what she has that you don't have," Chom said eyeing Suzie with outright curiosity. She did look a lot like a nymph.

"We'll never discover that until she gets her clothes off," Pip said.

Shaking her head in disgust, Rose said, "I find it amazing that they can do the after catch thing with their clothes on."

"She's about to come."

"Any second now."

"There she goes."

"There he goes."

"That's not natural."

Pip said, "You can say that again."

"That's not natural."

Rose said, "There shouldn't be any clothes in the way."

"Sick, I tell you it is sick."

Sean opened his eyes and saw the crowd of magical creatures standing around him. He nudged Suzie and said, "We have company."

Suzie looked around for a second taking in all of the magical folks watching them. She figured the Brownies were probably around somewhere as well. She said, "Let's go to your room."

"Can we come?" Rose asked.

"No," Suzie said.

"They are no fun," Chom said shaking his head.

"After all that work on their project and they leave us out here knowing what they'll be doing in there," Pip said.

"It is rude," Chom said.

Sean said, "My mother is in the house still."

"We'll stay out here for the moment," Chom said.

Suzie stood up and headed towards the backdoor. She said, "Let's go in the house now."

Sean stood up and followed her into the house. His mother was in the kitchen still cleaning up the mess created when the dwarves had rummaged through the refrigerator. She looked up at them and said, "Hello Suzie."

"Hello, Mrs. Michaels," Suzie said.

"What are you up to?" his mother asked.

Suzie said, "Sean is going to take me to his room for a few minutes to show me his coin collection."

Sean's mother laughed at that and said, "The only coin collection that he wants to show you is the roll of pennies that he keeps in his pants."

"Hey!"

"It is more like three rolls of half dollars," Suzie said giving Sean a wink.

"That's nice. I am sure that after all of that time, you have some needs that require his attention. There's no need to rush. We'll be having dinner in two hours," his mother said smiling over at Suzie.

Sean stared at his mother unable to believe what she was saying. He said, "You just told the dwarves that you'd help them torture me."

"I didn't mean it," she replied. She paused and then added, "Of course, it would have been interesting to watch you watch Dances with Wolverines."

"You threatened him with that?" Suzie asked horrified.

"It was to get rid of the dwarves," his mother said.

"How would that get rid of the dwarves?" Suzie asked.

Sean's mother answered, "I told them they would have to watch it too. You should have seen them rushing to get out of the house."

Relaxing, Suzie said, "I can understand that. I would have threatened him with the same thing."

"Hey!"

Looking down at the mess still on the floor, Sean's mother said, "Now run along and do whatever it is that teenagers do when they are alone in a room without any curious parents around."

"Thank you, Mrs. Michaels," Suzie said grabbing Sean by the hand. She dragged him behind her as she headed to his bedroom.

"Lily, turn up the volume on the television," Sean's mother shouted. She had to shout so that Lily could hear her in the other room.

"Is Sean going to be doing perverted things with Suzie?" Lily called back.

"Yes," Suzie shouted from halfway up the hallway.

"No," Sean shouted turning his head in the direction from which they had just come. He was nearly jerked off his feet when Suzie tugged on his arm to get him to hurry.

"It is none of your business what they do with each other," Sean's mother shouted out.

"She sure loves it when he does perverted things with her," Lily shouted.

Sean shouted, "I don't do perverted things with Suzie."

"Just turn up the volume on the television," Sean's mother shouted while holding up the pickle jar. She wondered what happened to all of the juice that had been in it.

"I can't wait to have tons of boys doing perverted things to me," Lily shouted.

"Not until you are thirty," Sean shouted back.

"I'm going to be a cheerleader when I grow up," Lily shouted.

Sean shouted, "No you are not."

Suzie pulled Sean into his bedroom and said, "Enough of that. Now do perverted things to me before I explode."

Sean asked, "Like what?"

"I like that thing you do with the silk scarves," Suzie answered with a smile.



-------

Chapter 49


Ms. Bird stared at the strange contraption that Sean was setting up in the biology room. She had lots of students raise all kinds of creatures, but none of them had lived in such a strange habitat. Unable to hold back her curiosity, she asked, "What is that?"

"It is the habitat for my project," Sean answered. He fiddled with it to make sure that it was still in one piece.

"It looks like what Pablo Piccasi would do if he were to make an abstract structure of an octopus wrestling with a scorpion," Ms. Bird said. She didn't think too much of Pablo Piccasi. She figured that he conned women into posing naked for him before discovering that he didn't have any talent. She had fallen for that trick once.

Sean stepped back and looked at the habitat. He had been trying to find some way to describe it and just hadn't been able to find the words. He said, "You're right. It does look a little like that."

"What are you raising?" Ms. Bird asked. She knew all of the basic things sold in pet stores in the area and everything that grew wild. She just couldn't imagine what required a habitat like that.

"It is a secret," Sean answered filling the habitat with water from one of the four ten gallon jugs of salt water he had brought to school with him.

"Do you know what you are doing?" Ms. Bird asked. She jumped back when the water started moving through the habitat as if by magic. She couldn't see any moving parts that would cause it to flow like that.

"Of course not," Sean answered deciding that whatever was making the water move was powered by salt water like his truck. He muttered, "I should never have let the dwarves make this."

"What is making the water move around like that?" Ms. Bird answered.

"I have no idea," Sean answered unable to find any mechanism responsible for it. He finished filling the tank with salt water.

"When are you getting your animals?" Ms. Bird asked.

"I'm going during my library period. I wanted to make sure that I had the habitat set up before getting them from the store," Sean answered.

"Which pet store are you going to?" Ms. Bird asked hoping to get a hint of what he was going to get. There were only two pet stores in the area and they both carried the normal salt water aquarium stock. She wondered if he was going to try raising a sponge.

Sean laughed at the question and said, "I would never do anything so obvious as to go to a pet store for a project like this."

"You wouldn't?" Ms. Bird asked.

"Nope," Sean answered shaking his head.

Ms. Bird asked, "Why not?"

"Everyone goes to the pet store. What kind of challenge is it to raise a pet? No challenge at all," Sean said smiling over at Ms. Bird.

"I guess," Ms. Bird said frowning. A lot of students had their projects die on them.

"I'll be the first of your students to raise these creatures," Sean said proudly.

"You don't say," Ms. Bird said.

"That's right. I'm also doing a report," Sean said.

"Really?" Ms. Bird said. She had never had a student raise a project and do a report for the class.

Nodding his head, Sean said, "I want to make sure that I get an A in this class."

"Will it be thorough?"

"Oh, I've got Mr. Booker ordering hundreds of articles about it. Such an exciting little creature," Sean said.

"Exciting?" Ms. Bird asked. She had students describe the subjects of their papers as interesting, but never exciting. She tried to think of something that someone would find exciting and came up blank.

"Very. I was on the edge of my seat reading about it."

"What are you doing your report on?"

Sean leaned over and, in the conspiratorial tone of voice that one might use when passing along a hot stock tip, said, "Sea Cucumbers."

"You find sea cucumbers exciting?" Ms. Bird asked wondering what Sean considered boring.

"Definitely," Sean said.

"They aren't noted for doing much of anything," Ms. Bird said trying to remember what she could of them. She remembered that they were of the starfish family, but couldn't remember any specifics.

"They eviscerate and shoot out Cuvierian tubules," Sean said.

"Remind me what that means again," Ms. Bird said. She must have missed the class where they covered sea cucumbers when she was in college because she was drawing an absolute blank concerning them now.

"They throw up and shoot tentacles out their ass," Sean said. He leaned over and whispered, "Believe it or not, it makes them very dangerous."

"That sounds disgusting," Ms. Bird commented.

"Quite," Sean said with a grin. The first bell rang and Sean said, "I must get off to my English class with Mr. Kindle."

"He teaches history," Ms. Bird said.

"I've got to start remembering that. I keep showing up to class with the wrong book," Sean said. He packed up his stuff and headed out the door. Looking over his shoulder, he said, "I'll be back after lunch. I should be able to make it to the Wiggly Pig and buy my project."

"That's a grocery store," Ms. Bird said staring at the door. She noticed Ms. Woodhill walk past with a stack of books in her hands. Shaking her head, she said, "Oh no. She's handing out poetry books again. I better tell the school nurse to start handing out condoms."

Sean ran into Sid on the way to class. Looking over at the young man, Sean said, "How's it going, Sid?"

Anita Huskings was over at her locker juggling her books. Sid managed to tear his eyes away from her long enough to answer, "I'm fine."

Frowning, Sean asked, "What's up with Anita?"

"She's pretty, isn't she?" Sid asked. He wished that he had enough nerve to go over to her and give her a hand.

"I suppose. Of course, Suzie is prettier," Sean said looking over at Anita. She was rather well developed in the chest area and had legs that went on forever. He thought the rest of her was a little skinny.

"Anita is gorgeous," Sid said.

"I guess," Sean said looking at Sid.

"She's real smart, too," Sid said. She wasn't mathematically inclined, but she did have one of the highest GPAs in school.

"I knew that she was an artist," Sean said.

"Yeah," Sid said. He sighed when she grabbed her stuff and left.

"I thought you and Bubbles were an item," Sean said.

Shaking his head, Sid said, "She's a nymph. I discovered you can't have a meaningful relationship with a nymph. There's just no depth to them."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Sean said.

"I wasn't the only guy she was letting catch her," Sid said.

"Oh, that's horrible," Sean said.

Sid shrugged his shoulders and said, "That's okay. I still chase her around on occasion."

Sean entered his history class and looked around the room to find Suzie seated in her normal place. He waved at Mr. Kindle and asked, "What are you talking about today?"

Mr. Kindle smiled and said, "We're going to cover a particularly favorite period of history of mine — the hundred year's war."

"Let me guess, it was a war that lasted a hundred years," Sean said.

"No. It was a hundred and sixteen years long," Mr. Kindle said.

"It makes you think."

"What makes you think?" Mr. Kindle asked.

"Most people think you should start the day looking forward to all that you have to accomplish and spend the evening thinking about what you've done. We start the day off by looking at the past," Sean said.

"Interesting observation," Mr. Kindle said.

Sean took his seat next to Suzie and said, "I've got to go out for lunch today."

"Can I go with you?" Suzie asked. She batted her eyes to assure that his answer would be yes.

"Yes," Sean said automatically. He was unable to deny any request from Suzie that was accompanied by a batting of her eyes. He thought about it for a second and realized that he couldn't resist any request from Suzie regardless of whether her eyes batted or not.

He settled into his chair. Much to his surprise, he found the hundred year's war to be totally boring. Usually, he could find something interesting in just about any topic. People did the strangest things and strange actions demanded comment. For a change, he was short of comments.

He opened his text book and stared at it. Doing something that he hadn't done in a while, he started thinking about how he was going to get some more gold for the next magic gift. The Dwarves had used all of his gold to coat his truck. His money was flying away at an ever increasing rate.

Thoughts about the next gift made him think about his current magic gift. He came to the rather remarkable conclusion that his use of it was rather limited. He could make things move. He could use light things to move heavier things. That's not to say that he couldn't accomplish some pretty amazing things with it. After all, he could pull a pretty good sized tree out of the ground.

He could also have things change their shape. So far, the only use that he had found for that was flattening soda cans. He wondered if he could use his magic to make little statues. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ball bearing. Cupping it in his hand, he ordered it to turn into a little statue of Suzie. The ball bearing turned into a remarkable accurate rendering of Suzie. Unfortunately, the figurine was naked. His eyes got wide on seeing it. He quickly changed it into a Dwarf before anyone had a chance to see it.

He stared at the perfect rendition of Chom thinking that he could really make a lot of money with that use of his talent. He slipped the little statue into his pocket thinking that he'd give it to Chom when he got home. Ideas of what he could to do make larger statues came to mind. With a lightweight plastic, he could make a pretty substantial sized statue and then cover it with metal.

He was still lost in thought when class came to an end. Suzie shook his arm to get his attention and said, "You really paid attention in class today."

"I was a little distracted. I hope no one noticed," Sean said.

"Everyone noticed," Suzie said. Mr. Kindle had called on Sean three times and had given up when Sean hadn't answered.

Mr. Kindle looked over at Sean and said, "I'm glad to see you're back among the living. Please pay attention in class. We missed your comments."

"Sorry," Sean said.

Mr. Kindle had seen students zone out before, but none of them had been as bad as Sean. He wasn't sure what to make of that. It was obvious that Sean had been thinking about something and it wasn't history. He hoped that Sean wasn't having problems in his life. He knew that a person with such a talented and creative mind would often find peer approval a very difficult thing to achieve. He asked, "Is there something bothering you?"

"No. I was just thinking about things," Sean said.

Mr. Kindle said, "If you need someone to talk with, I'm always available."

"Thanks, Mr. Kindle," Sean said.

"Let's get to class before we're late," Suzie said.

As they were walking to class, Max came over and said, "You won't believe who the new assistant football coach is."

"Ms. Woodhill?"

"How did you know?" Max asked.

"I talked about it with Coach Slaughter," Sean answered.

"I thought he hated you," Max said.

Looking around a little nervously, Sean said, "He probably does."

"This season is going to be a disaster," Max said thinking about having Ms. Woodhill acting as a coach.

"I don't think so," Suzie said.

The trio entered the English class. Smiling, Ms. Woodhill clapped her hands together and said, "Hello, Sean. How's my favorite student?"

"I'm fine," Sean answered. He leaned over to Max and said, "She's such a great teacher."

"She likes you," Max said shaking his head. Everyone knew that Ms. Woodhill was a flake. He wondered how she had become the assistant coach for the football team.

Ms. Woodhill looked at Max. The smile on her face instantly disappeared. In a stern voice, she said, "Mr. Baxter."

"Uh, yes," Max replied wondering what he had done wrong.

"You had better be ready to bust your balls on the football field this afternoon. Your ass is mine. We're having a double length practice today."

"Huh?" Max said staring at Ms. Woodhill in shock. Teachers didn't use language like that. Only coaches talked like that.

"We're going over the basics. You'd better be ready to drill, drill, and drill some more. You'll be lucky if you can walk by the time I'm done with you," Ms. Woodhill said.

"Uh," Max said looking over at Sean.

"You boys dance around on that field like girls at a prom. By the time I'm done with you, you'll be mean hard-hitting football players. Losing this Friday is not an option," Ms. Woodhill said shaking a fist.

"Are you feeling alright, Ms. Woodhill?" Max asked.

Ms. Woodhill rubbed her hands together and, with a look of real determination on her face, answered, "I'm feeling fine. We're not going to lose another game this year."

"Uh, we haven't won a game in years," Max said wondering who this stranger in the classroom was.

"Those days are over. You're going to be busting your ass on that field. If you don't, you'll be running laps and giving me pushups until you die," Ms. Woodhill said sounding a lot like a drill instructor.

"I think she's going to make a good coach," Sean said with a smile.

The bell rang. Ms. Woodhill turned around and in a sweet voice said, "Ah! It is time for us to discuss literature. Today, we're going to start with Romeo and Juliet. It is such a nice little love story despite the tragic ending."

Stunned, Max said, "Maybe we should be reading Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde."

Sean leaned over and said, "Boy. She sounds meaner than Coach Slaughter."

"Yeah," Max said stumbling to his chair.

"I know that teenagers just hate Shakespeare, but I think you'll come to enjoy it," Ms. Woodhill said. She danced around the room as if swinging a sword and said, "It has sword fights in it."

She clasped her hands together and held them over her heart. With a wistful expression on her face, she said, "It has love scenes of a sweet and tender nature."

She made an ugly face and said, "It has mean old parents trying to keep our lovers apart."

Acting as if she was stabbing herself with a knife, she said, "It has tragic deaths by suicide."

"Neat," Sean said.

"It has all of the stuff that makes a great story," Ms. Woodhill said.

Sean asked, "Does it have car chases?"

"Alas, that technology wasn't available at the time Shakespeare wrote this tale," Ms. Woodhill said. She grinned and added, "That would make an interesting assignment though. Why don't we write a scene including some modern element into the story?"

"Cool," Sean said writing down the assignment in his notebook.

In the back of the classroom, Tom groused, "That's another weird assignment we've got to do thanks to him."

"Be quiet. He'll hear you," Debbie warned.

Tom started to say something, but noticed the piece of paper on his desk start to move. He closed his mouth and stared at Sean. He still wasn't sure why that trashcan had followed him around that one day in the cafeteria, but he was pretty sure that Sean had something to do with it. One good thing had come out of that whole episode. He had gotten Debbie as a girlfriend.

After going over the first scene, Ms. Woodhill asked, "What do you think of the story so far?"

"Well, I wouldn't have used Juliet as the main female character," Sean said.

"Why?" Ms. Woodhill asked rather surprised by the comment.

"She's not as pretty as Suzie," Sean answered. Half of the class groaned on hearing that.

Ms. Woodhill beamed and said, "It looks like Suzie has quite an admirer."

"I do indeed," Suzie said smiling over at Sean.

"Has he started quoting poetry to you?" Ms. Woodhill asked patting a stack of books on her desk.

"No," Suzie said. When he started to open his mouth, she put a hand over it. Rolling her eyes, she said, "He found a book of limericks."

"That will never do," Ms. Woodhill said with a laugh. Ms. Woodhill went over to her desk and picked up a book. She handed it to Sean and said, "Try a few poems out of this."

"Yes, ma'am," Sean said. He looked over the title and said, "That's a real catchy title."

"What is the title?" Suzie asked.

"Poetry for Seducing Young Women," Sean answered reading the title aloud. It sounded a little risqué to him.

Snorting loudly from the back of the room, Tom said, "Seducing Young Women? It sounds to me like a book on how to get laid."

Ms. Woodhill said, "If you haven't figured it out by now, poetry is about putting into words those heartfelt emotions that we have such difficulties in expressing. The best poetry is about love. Young men who have a hard time saying how they really feel about a special woman can find the right poem that says all that they feel. A young woman who listens to a man recite a heartfelt poem becomes defenseless in the face of his emotions. Each word batters down the defensive no turning them quickly into yeses. Some young women even find that their desires exceed their ability to control them. Like a flower, they open themselves to be appreciated by the right young man."

"Huh?" Tom asked. He had not expected that answer.

Deciding that she wouldn't mind opening up a little, Debbie asked, "Could you loan Tom a copy of that?"

At the idea of reading poetry, Tom shook his head and said, "This is a disaster."

"Would you prefer if I gave him 'Poems of Seduction' or 'With this Gentle Word I Take Thee'?" Ms. Woodhill asked holding up two slender volumes in her hands.

"Poems of Seduction," Debbie answered.

Seeing the expression on Tom's face, she knew that he wasn't interested in this turn of events at all. She added, "I'm sure that you'll love them, Debbie. They are guaranteed to leave you panting in desire after the young man who reads them to you."

"Panting? I kind of like the sound of that," Tom said sitting up straight.

"The sensual imagery that a well chosen word can invoke ... let's just say that it is ... exciting," Ms. Woodhill said with a little shiver.

Tom raised his hand and said, "I'll take every book of poetry that you have."

"Don't get greedy," Ms. Woodhill said. She looked around the room and said, "There are lots of young men and women in this room who could use a little poetry in their lives."

Susan yawned.

Ms. Woodhill looked at Susan and said, "Susan, life just doesn't seem to interest you."

"There's nothing new," Susan replied. She wished the day was over.

Ms. Woodhill smiled and said, "I bet there is the spirit of a real tigress inside that bored body of yours just waiting for the right lion to free it."

Susan shrugged her shoulders and said, "I doubt it."

Ms. Woodhill picked up a book and handed it to Jerry. She leaned down and said, "Free the sexual tigress inside her."

Jerry opened the book and read the title of the first poem he found. Open mouthed, he said, "Parting the Gates of Heaven."

Susan sat up and asked, "What was that?"

"With a Simple Yes She Conquered Him," Jerry said reading the title of the next poem.

"Conquered?" Susan asked raising an eyebrow.

Jerry read the first few lines of the poem. Confused, he looked up and asked, "Is this about bondage?"

Leaning over to look at the book, Susan asked, "Can I see that?"

Ms. Woodhill interposed her body between the two young people and said, "Oh no dear. He has to read it to you for it to have its full effect."

Jerry read a few more lines and then said, "I'm not sure I'd like a woman to do that to me."

"What?" Susan asked trying to look around Ms. Woodhill.

"Look at how many guys have suddenly become interested in poetry. Didn't I tell you that she's a great teacher?" Sean asked leaning over to Suzie.

Suzie looked at Jerry's flushed face and said, "I hope he's up to it."

Holding out a book, Ms. Woodhill said, "Sid, I bet the words in this book would just overwhelm Anita Huskings."

"Anita?" Sid asked swallowing heavily.

"Yes," Ms. Woodhill said. Sid grabbed the book out of her hand. She grinned and said, "I'm sure she'd love the poem on page forty-two."

Max asked, "How about me? Do I get a book of poetry to read to my girlfriend?"

"Are you kidding? You've got football practice this afternoon," Ms. Woodhill said. She added, "You're going have to earn the approval of your girlfriend through hard work and sweat."

Sean leaned over to Suzie and said, "She's going to be a really good football coach."

"I think so," Suzie said just as the bell ending class rang.

Sean and Suzie arrived at math class. Sean held up the packet and said, "That sure was nice of the nurse to give us all of these condoms."

"I wonder why she did that."

"I don't know." Sean said. He looked around at the empty classroom and said, "It looks like we're the first to get here."

Mrs. West asked, "Where is everyone?"

"I saw Susan dragging Jerry away," Suzie answered. "I don't know where Sid is at the moment."

"I saw him talking to Anita," Sean said.

Looking at the condoms Sean was carrying, Mrs. West asked, "Was Ms. Woodhill handing out poetry books?"

"How did you know?" Sean asked thinking that there had to be a very effective rumor mill among the teachers of the school.

"We won't see any of your classmates for the rest of the day. I'm glad the nurse was handing out condoms. The first year Ms. Woodhill taught here we had six pregnancies," Mrs. West said. With only two students, there wasn't too much to do. She said, "I'm going to go grab a cup of coffee. Would you like me to bring anything back?"

"No thank you," Sean said. He watched Mrs. West leave the room.

Suzie looked over at Sean and asked, "So what happened during history class?"

Sean reached into his pocket and grabbed another ball bearing. Holding it in his hand, he ordered it to change into a statue of Suzie. He felt the metal change shape and then pulled it out of his pocket. He handed it to her and said, "I made this."

Suzie looked at the statue and turned red. She said, "I'm naked."

"I know," Sean said shrugging his shoulders. He hadn't thought to have the statue include clothes.

"It really looks like me," Suzie said looking at it closely. It was kind of strange to look at it. She wasn't used to seeing herself in that manner. It was one thing to look in a mirror or a photograph, but that didn't have that same three dimensional quality.

"It does, doesn't it," Sean said admiring his work.

"I'm kind of pretty," Suzie said taking in her shape.

"You're a lot pretty," Sean said. He realized that he could actually make the statue move and gave it the command.

Suzie jumped when the statue came to life in her hand. It started to adopt sexy poses. When it turned to give a sexy look at Sean, she couldn't believe it. Staring at it, she asked, "Is that how you see me?"

"That's how you are," Sean said with a smile.

"I'm sexy," Suzie said unable to believe how the statue looked.

"Very sexy," Sean said.

Licking her lips, Suzie asked, "Can I keep it?"

"Sure," Sean said. He looked at the statue and realized that it would stop moving as soon as it was out of range of his gift. He commanded it to adopt a very sexy, but modest, pose and froze it in that shape.

"Wow," Suzie said unable to believe what Sean had done.

Getting an idea, Sean reached into his pocket and took out another ball bearing. He commanded it to take his shape. He glanced down at the nude figurine of himself. Putting it into her hand, he said, "Watch."

Suzie watched what the two figurines were doing with each other for a minute. Who needed poetry? When her figurine grabbed the head of his figurine and pulled it into just the right spot, she said, "It is getting hot in here."

"I noticed the same thing," Sean said.

Watching the figurines wiggling around in the palm of her hand, she whispered, "I think I understand why the Dwarves and Fairies want to watch."

Sean looked around nervously and then said, "Let's leave school for a little bit."

"Yeah," Suzie said pulling on the front of her blouse to cool down. She looked at the condoms and said, "At least we don't need those."



-------

Chapter 50


Sean was grounded as were a dozen of his classmates. Principal Charmers had informed the parents of a number of students that they had left school without permission. Although a few parents were overjoyed that their children were taking a sudden interest in poetry they weren't quite so pleased with the direction that interest had taken. It appeared that the seductive powers of poetry had been missed by an entire generation. Thanks to the dedicated efforts of Ms. Woodhill, the current generation would enjoy poetry and all of the consequent benefits.

Sean's mother and Mrs. Emery had taken the news about Sean and Suzie skipping school without batting an eye. It appeared that neither Sean nor Suzie was the first members of their respective families to skip school. Rather than yell or scream, the two mothers first looked through the book of poetry. There was a bit of an argument as to who would remain in possession of the book.

Sending chills down his spine, his mother said, "My husband will read this to me."

"You can't do that," Sean said turning green.

Suzie nearly passed out when her mother said, "I want a photocopy so that my husband can read it to me."

"I know. We'll have our husbands take turns reading it to us," Sean's mother said with a wicked grin.

"Not that! You don't know what will happen," Suzie said.

Mrs. Emery said, "We could force the kids to watch."

"That would kill us," Suzie said horrified at the idea.

"You can't do that!" Sean shouted.

"Why not?"

"There are laws against it," Sean said.

"What laws?" his mother asked.

"It is a cruel and unusual punishment," Sean said.

Feeling woozy, Suzie said, "That's right."

It was about that point that the real discussion concerning their punishment began. It ended with a simple grounding, but it could have been worse. Sean's mother was arguing that they should use the young couple as Leprechaun bait. Sean wasn't sure what that entailed, but he didn't like the sound of it. The horrible cackle that had accompanied her announcement had really worried him. Suzie had quivered in fear on hearing it.

Terrifying Sean, Mrs. Emery had just voted for a trip to the vet. Suzie didn't seem so worried about that prospect until it was mentioned that Sean wouldn't be the only one getting a treatment. Sean had found himself in the strange position of arguing to be grounded. It was only through negotiations that would have made a Leprechaun proud that he had managed to get them to settle on a simple grounding.

Depressed, Sean had gone to his room to read while Suzie returned to her home under the watchful eyes of her mother. With nothing to do, Sean decided that it was time to read a little of his history book. Opening the book to a page at random, he found a chapter about the discovery of America. He said, "Imagine discovering a whole country. I bet someone got a Nobel Prize for that."

Reading about the voyage of Columbus, the image of Columbus steering his way across the ocean using a compass came to Sean's mind. In terms of mundane things, a compass was actually a pretty magical item in the way that it always pointed north. It got him to wondering if he could do the same kind of thing using magic. Of course, rather than having the compass point north it would be nice to have it point to something that he wanted.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a paper clip. Unfolding it so that it became a nice pointer, he set it down on his open book. He ordered it to point at the nearest letter 'e' and was quite surprised when it spun around so that the pointer was right over the proper letter. Thinking that he may have influenced it, he closed his eyes and commanded it to point to the letter 'f'. Opening his eyes, he saw that the pointer was right over the correct letter. Smiling, he said, "This is perfect."

Sean stared at the bent piece of paper clip thinking that it wasn't really all that good for his purposes. He thought about the statues and realized that he could make a proper device that would allow him to find things. He pulled out a ball bearing and a small piece of clear plastic from his pocket. Grinning, he went to work ordering them to form themselves into proper shapes and joining together.

After half an hour, he sat back and looked at what he had built. It was a lot like a compass, but with a triangular pointer instead of a long thin needle. It was actually quite nice looking. He had ordered the base to have artistic etchings a lot like an old-fashioned compass. There were even elaborate letters corresponding to the cardinal directions despite the fact that they were useless unless he ordered it to find north. The transparent plastic formed a nice cover.

Deciding to give it a try, he looked around the room trying to think of something to find. His eyes settled on his nightstand. He said, "Find a condom."

The needle swung to point towards the bedside nightstand. He walked towards the nightstand watching the needle with each step. He opened the drawer and the needle was pointed directly at the package of condoms. He stepped to a side and it continued to point to the condoms. He smiled and said, "It works."

Thinking about his problem getting gold, he knew that he held the solution in his hand. He decided it was time to put that problem to rest. He looked at the pointer and said, "Find the closest gold."

The needle turned around and pointed off to the side. He looked at the wall and said, "That's problem. I guess I'll have to go around it."

He walked out of his room and slowly followed the needle. He kept his eyes on the needle getting excited by the idea that it was actually working. Grinning, he said, "I'm going to find some gold and then I'll get the next gift of magic."

A few minutes later, he stopped in the middle of the kitchen. Looking up from his detector, he spotted the gold ring. He reached out to grab it and then realized that it was around a finger. Tracing the finger to the arm and then to the face, he found his mother glaring at him. He realized what had happened and said, "This isn't good."

"What are you doing?" Sean's mother asked.

"I'm looking for gold," Sean answered pointing at her ring. He realized that there was a major flaw in his plan. Although he hadn't thought about it, he was surrounded by gold. Married people wore gold rings. There was a ton of gold jewelry everywhere. People even had gold teeth.

"You're not getting my ring," his mother said covering her hand. She figured that it was time for her to give him his allowance. She knew that he hadn't been desperate for it since he still had a stack of bills in his desk drawer.

"I know," Sean said feeling depressed. He realized that his detector was about as useless as a compass in a magnet store. Even his truck was covered in gold.

"Aren't you supposed to be grounded?" his mother asked.

"Now that you mention it, yes," Sean answered.

"Well."

"Well what?" Sean asked.

"What are you doing out of your room?" his mother asked.

"I'm not grounded to my room. I'm not allowed to see Suzie," Sean said.

"Oh. That's right," his mother said. She muttered, "I still say we should have used them for Leprechaun bait."

"What does that involve?" Sean asked. He couldn't imagine how he and Suzie could be used to attract Leprechauns.

"You don't want to know," his mother said with an evil grin.

"You're probably right," Sean said.

"Well, get out of the kitchen. I've got to finish cooking dinner," his mother said.

"What are we having?"

Sean's mother answered, "Meatloaf."

"Awk," Sean said before he turned green. Holding his hand over his mouth, he headed towards the bathroom hoping to make it in time. Just the idea of eating meatloaf made him sick to his stomach.

Watching him run from the room, his mother said, "I wonder what is wrong with him."

She followed him down the hallway to the bathroom. The sounds coming out of the room were not natural. She frowned and knocked on the door. Sean shouted, "Go away! I'm dying in here."

Sean's mother knocked on the door again and asked, "Are you okay?"

"No," Sean answered swearing that he could smell garlic. He wiped his mouth hoping that was the end of it.

"What's the matter?" she asked wondering if he was suffering from food poisoning or something.

"The idea of eating meatloaf makes me sick," Sean said. It was amazing that just mentioning meatloaf was like an instantaneous return to how he felt that night.

"What's wrong with meatloaf?" Sean's mother asked. Outside of that one little failure, she felt that she made a pretty good meatloaf.

"Blahh!"

"I thought you liked my meatloaf," Sean's mother said.

"Blahh!"

Sean's mother said, "You make one little mistake in the recipe for meatloaf and they won't let you live it down."

"Blahh!"

"The meatloaf wasn't that bad," his mother shouted.

"Blahh!"

"The Dwarves loved the meatloaf," his mother said protesting his reaction to her cooking.

"Blahh!"

"Come on," his mother said. This was beginning to hurt her feelings.

Finding that the bathroom was spinning around on him, Sean moaned, "Stop it. You're killing me."

"I'm a good cook," his mother said crossing her arms.

"Blahh!"

"That doesn't sound good," Sean's mother said. He really sounded sick. She wondered if he had a fever.

Breathing heavily, Sean said, "I've got to recover."

"Can I get you something to help settle your upset stomach?" his mother asked.

"I'll be okay in a minute," Sean said. He took a couple of deep breaths and said, "Just don't mention that poison around me ever again."

"What poison? Do you mean my meatloaf?" his mother asked puzzled by his comment.

"Blahh!"

His mother crossed her arms and stared at the closed door. She tried the handle, but the door was locked. Shaking her head, she said, "Even the mention of my meatloaf makes him sick."

"Blahh!"

"This is ridiculous," Sean's mother said. She asked, "What can I do to help you?"

"Stay away from me," Sean said unable to get much energy behind his words. He was halfway convinced that another offering to the porcelain God would kill him.

"I'll come back and check on you," his mother said deciding that he probably knew best how to take care of himself.

She returned to the kitchen and pulled various medicines for easing upset stomachs from the medicine shelf. She laid them out in a neat row to give him his choice when he returned. She said, "Well, I now have a new way to punish him. Meatloaf!"

She stood there in the kitchen for a moment and said, "Those stupid kids. Why would they skip school to have sex? They know they come home and do that anytime. The principal blamed it on the poetry. I wonder why?"

In the bathroom, Sean flushed the toilet and washed his mouth. Looking in the mirror, he said, "That was a most unexpected turn of events."

On wobbly legs, Sean returned to his bedroom and took a nap. He had dreams of chasing a rainbow with his compass seeking out the pot of gold at the end of it. The Leprechauns and his mother entered the dream and it turned into a nightmare. The Leprechauns were teasing him about not ever finding the gold and his mother was threatening him with finding a pot of meatloaf buried at the wrong end of the rainbow.

Sean woke and made his way out of his bedroom. He met Lily in the hallway. She looked at him with an expression of worry and said, "Mom and Dad are acting weird."

"Weird? How could you tell?" Sean asked with a smile.

"Okay, they are acting weirder than usual," Lily said. She looked down the hallway and said, "It scares me."

This was starting to sound serious, Sean asked, "In what way?"

"I think Mom swallowed a snake or something," Lily said looking worried.

Sean wasn't quite sure how someone would react to swallowing a snake, but he was pretty sure that it would be on the verge of weird. He leaned over and asked, "What did she serve for dinner?"

"Stuffed Cabbages," Lily answered.

"How were they?" Sean asked.

"They were pretty good," Lily answered. She liked her mother's stuffed cabbages.

"No harmful side-effects?" Sean asked.

"No. I feel fine," Lily said shrugging her shoulders.

Sean looked down the hallway and said, "I guess I had better check it out."

"Be careful," Lily said afraid that her parent's condition might be contagious.

"I will," Sean replied.

Sean stepped carefully down the hallway worried about what he would find. He had just about reached the living room when he heard his mother say, "Read that one to me again."

His father said, "I'm going to read the next one."

"This stuff is better than those letters in your magazine," Sean's mother moaned.

Sean stood there wondering what they were talking about. He wondered what magazines his mother was talking about. He stepped into the room just as his father was about to open his mouth. Sean's eyes flew around the room. His mother was sprawled out on the couch. His father was seated in the chair across the room from her. His father said, "She Pleasured Herself to Please Me."

Sean recognized the poem. It was the same one that had Suzie stripping out of her dress when he had read it to her. He shouted, "Stop!"

"What do you mean, stop?" his father asked.

"That stuff is dangerous," Sean said frantically. His mother had started undulating on the couch after hearing just the title. He was going to spend the rest of the evening in the bathroom if his father said one more word.

"What's wrong with reading a little poetry aloud?" his father asked holding up the little book of poetry. He looked across the room at his wife and said, "She's enjoying it. I'm enjoying it."

"Your children aren't," Sean said fully convinced that potential for long-term psychological damage had never been higher.

Sean's father looked down at the book and read aloud, "Mine eyes have seen the glory of her..."

Horrified, Sean looked over at his mother. It looked to him like she was starting to remove clothes. He screamed and ran from the room. He passed a terrified Lily and made it to the bathroom in time.

Lily stood outside the door and asked, "What is the matter Sean?"

"Blahh!"

"Is mom alright?" Lily asked concerned.

"Blahh!"

Looking down the hallway, Lily was very worried about her mother. She asked, "Did some sort of space creature come popping out of Mom's stomach or something?"

"Blahh!"

"You're scaring me," Lily said.

Breathing heavily, Sean said, "Just give me a minute to recover."

"You're making the same sounds you made after eating that meatloaf," Lily said worried about her brother.

"Blaah!"

"Just like after that meatloaf," Lily said.

"Blahh!"

Very worried, Lily said, "Some terrible must have happened to mom if he gets sick like after eating meatloaf."

"Blahh!"

"This really sounds bad," Lily said stepping back from the door a little.

"Just give me a minute to recover," Sean said convinced that he would never be able to read poetry again.

"Maybe I should go check on Mom," Lily said.

"No! Blahh!"

Lily could hear strange sounds coming from the living room. They were the same kinds of sounds that sometimes came from her parent's bedroom when they locked the door in the middle of the day. She frowned upon thinking about what that meant. Even at her young age she knew that there were things children were not meant to see. Listening to Sean, she had an idea what he had seen. She said, "I'm scared."

"Be scared," Sean said weakly from the bathroom. He looked around the small room thinking he had spent way too much time in it that day.

"What should I do?" Lily asked.

"Go to your room and lock the door," Sean answered. He was going to follow his own advice as soon as he was able to get to his feet.

"Bye Sean. I'll see you if we survive this nightmare," Lily said looking down the hallway. The noises her mother was making were getting louder. Afraid to wait for Sean to answer, she fled to her room and closed the door. She crawled into bed and pulled her pillow over her head.

"Goodbye, Lily. Take care of yourself," Sean said with a groan. He used the counter to help stand and stared at the mirror. He was pale. With a little effort he washed his mouth. "I hope she makes it through this."

Taking a deep breath, he said, "I hope I can make it to my room."

He opened the door and headed for his bedroom door. He had just about made it when he heard his mother shout, "More! More! I've gotta have that poetry!"

"This is sick," Sean mumbled as he collapsed in his room. Even with the door closed, he could hear his mother. Feeling like his head was about to explode, he crawled towards the bed. Just as he lost consciousness, he said, "I hope Lily makes it because it looks like I'm a goner."



-------

Chapter 51


Max staggered into class, paused, staggered to the side, paused, and then leaned against the wall. He slid down to the floor allowing the friction of the wall to slow his descent. For a full minute he just stared into space. He then slid down to lie on his side. All was quiet for a few seconds and then Max let loose with a low moan. After a long drawn out groan, he said, "Death by football practice."

Jerry walked into class walking like Frankenstein's monster. He reached his chair and looked down at it without moving his neck. He slowly bent down until he managed to get seated. He moaned and said, "She's an animal."

Tom staggered into the room as if his legs wouldn't support him. He collapsed into the chair by the door and said, "I'm exhausted. She wore me out."

Sid crawled into the room and slowly made his way towards his desk. He looked up at the seat and wondered how he would make it all of the way up there. He gave up and just stayed on the floor. He groaned, "Page forty two."

Sean entered the room walking like he had palsy. He jumped at every little noise. His eyes darted around the room as if seeking some dire threat. He reached his desk and sat down. In a shaky voice, he said, "The horrors."

Susan slinked into the class and sat down at her desk with a purr. She looked over at Jerry, licked her lips, and said, "I've tasted blood and I like it."

"I need to heal," Jerry said looking at her without moving his neck.

"Don't take too long," Susan said. She checked out her fingernails and added, "With These Chains I Bound Him To Me. I loved that one."

Debbie bounced into the room full of energy. She sat down next to Tom and said, "Good morning. Actually, it is not such a good morning since I'm grounded until I'm a hundred and one years old, but I feel good. As soon as I'm ungrounded, you're reading some more of that to me."

"Yes, dear," Tom said lifting his head off the desk long enough to get the words out. His forehead made a nice thud when his head hit his desk.

"He Dined and I Visited Heaven," Debbie said with a sigh. "That was so good."

Suzie came into the room looking from side to side. She kept her back to the wall and edged around the room towards the desk. Once she was near her desk, she darted to her seat and sat down. She leaned over to Sean and said, "My mother gave a copy of the book to dad. I'm scared."

Sean just stared at her and shook. She said, "You don't look so good. Do you need to see the school nurse?"

"No," Sean managed to stutter. He said, "Sick world."

Ms. Woodhill entered the class smiling at everyone in the room. She stopped and looked down at Max. In a voice that would have made a Drill Sergeant proud, she barked, "Max Baxter!"

Max sat up and looked around wildly. His eyes got big on seeing Ms. Woodhill.

"Get to your desk!" Ms. Woodhill said.

Max jumped up and ran to his desk. He dived in it and stared at her in fear. She shook a finger at him and said, "You won't lie around like that in practice this afternoon."

Max looked like he was about to cry.

Smiling sweetly, she turned to the rest of the class. She looked over at Debbie and said, "Debbie. Did you enjoy the poetry?"

"Oh yes," Debbie gushed. She smiled over at Tom.

"Tom? How did you like it?" Ms. Woodhil asked.

"Mmmm," Tom answered.

Taking in his physical condition, Ms. Woodhill said, "Remind me to tell Coach Slaughter to work on a program to build up a little stamina."

"Umm," Tom answered thinking that forming words using him mouth was just a bit too much work.

Ms. Woodhill turned to Susan and asked, "Did you find anything in this dull dull world that interests you?"

"Oh, yes," Susan said. With a predatory growl she looked over at Jerry.

"That's good," Ms. Woodhill said. She looked at Jerry and said, "Your back is bleeding. Maybe you should see the school nurse."

"I can't walk," Jerry said between clenched teeth.

"Okay. Maybe a little later," Ms. Woodhill said. She looked at Suzie and frowned. Suzie should have been glowing rather than looking around frightened. She asked, "How did you like the poetry, Suzie?"

"It was great," Suzie said.

"Why are you so ... nervous?" Ms. Woodhill asked.

"My Dad has a copy of it. I escaped before he found Mom," Suzie said. Half of the class groaned.

Turning to look at Sean, Ms. Woodhill was shocked by his appearance. Worried, she asked, "What's the matter with you, Sean?"

"I caught my Dad reading poetry to my Mother."

Tom sat up and said, "You poor bastard. No one should ever experience that."

"That's sick. Parents should stick to age appropriate materials," Debbie said making a face as if she had just bitten into a lemon.

"They've got Sears catalogs to read. Why should they read our stuff?" Jerry said. His comment was greeted with lots of agreement by others in the class.

"You can say that again," Sid said from the floor.

Ms. Woodhill noticed Sid sprawled out on the floor. Bending down to look at him, she asked, "What happened to you?"

"Anita. She wore me out," Sid said. Those long legs of her gave her some leverage and she definitely knew how to use that leverage to her best advantage. Of course, the oxygen deprivation resulting from having his head crushed between her breasts might have had a bit to do with his general weakness.

"I definitely need to talk to Coach Slaughter about building up these boys' stamina," Ms. Woodhill said shaking her head in dismay. "They should have able to last a week at least."

She sighed and said, "There are advantages to dating athletes."

Walking up to the front of the class, Ms. Woodhill said, "Let's read some Romeo and Juliet."

She looked around the room for a second when there was no reaction from the class. She then said, "Maybe tomorrow."

Susan looked over at Jerry and asked, "Are you sure that you can't manage just one more poem?"

"I can't move," Jerry said through clenched teeth.

"I'll hold the book for you," Susan said with a low purr.

Looking over at Tom who was now sprawled out across his desk, Debbie said, "Let's skip school and read some more poetry. I mean, what can my Dad do? Ground me until I'm two hundred and two?"

"Mmmm," Tom said. Forcing one eye open, he said, "I read ten poems to you yesterday."

"We wouldn't have had to stop if we hadn't run out of condoms," Debbie said sounding disappointed.

"I got home at three this morning," Tom said. The world started disappearing on him. He realized that it was his eye closing on him and forced it back open.

"We'd still be going it if the nurse had given us more than ten condoms," Debbie said giving herself a hug.

"My Dad yelled at me until seven," Tom said giving up on seeing the world. It was just so much easier with his eyes closed.

"We can stop by the nurse's station and pick up some more condoms," Debbie said brightly.

"I need sleep," Tom said.

Delirious, Max mumbled, "Football. I used to play football. Yesterday wasn't football. That was hell. The Devil is a woman wearing a southern belle dress, a floppy hat, and carrying a little umbrella."

Ms. Woodhill asked, "Max, are you making derogatory questions about my coaching attire?"

"Was my mouth moving?" Max asked.

"Yes," Ms. Woodhill said.

Max said, "It wasn't supposed to be moving."

"For your information, it is a parasol; not an umbrella," Ms. Woodhill said.

"Death by football," Max moaned letting his head sink to the desktop.

The bell rang and Ms. Woodhill said, "I'll see you tomorrow, kids."

No one moved. She looked around the room and said, "Class is over."

Principal Charmers came in the room and looked around. He cleared his throat and said, "Everyone to their next class."

Jerry said, "I can't move."

"I'll get the school nurse," Principal Charmers said shaking his head.

"Good morning, Principal Charmers," Ms. Woodhill said brightly.

Frowning, Principal Charmers said, "Two of your students may have eloped to Las Vegas to get married."

"Who?" Ms. Woodhill said.

"William and Lucy," Principal Charmers said.

Ms. Woodhill smiled and said, "They make such a nice couple. She's so bold and he's so shy."

"What do you have to say for yourself?"

Ms. Woodhill said, "They say that the written word has lost its power in this modern day of television. It is nice to see that's not true."

"We had two dozen students skip school yesterday. Two of them have run off to get married and all you can say is that the pen is mightier than the tv?" Principal Charmers said looking at Ms. Woodhill. He had been on the telephone until three that morning dealing with irate parents.

"No one got hurt," Ms. Woodhill said. She caught a glimpse of Sean and said, "Well, except for maybe Sean."

"What happened to Sean?" Principal Charmers asked. He looked at the physical wreck that was seated in front of him.

"He caught his father reading poetry to his mother," Ms. Woodhill said looking a little embarrassed.

"That poor bastard. I feel for him," Principal Charmers said looking at Sean with pity.

Tom woke up long enough to say, "I said the same thing." His forehead made a nice thud when he fell back onto his desk.

Debbie pulled on his arm and said, "Come on."

"Tired," Tom said.

Suzie was worried about Sean. He was a mere shell of his former self. Each sound caused him to flinch. There had to be something to she could do to snap him out of it. She reached into her purse and removed the two figurines from within it. Holding them out to Sean, she said, "Make them move."

After jumping back in reaction to the sudden movement of her hand near him, Sean ordered the figurines to move. He looked at them for a second and then said, "Look at us."

"Look at what they're doing now," Suzie said.

Sean sat up a little straighter and said, "You are so pretty."

"What do you think of that position?" Suzie asked smiling at him. His shaking had almost stopped.

"I think I'd like to try it," Sean said looking over at her with a smile.

Suzie could see that his tremors had stopped. She took his hand and raised it to her lips. Kissing it, she asked, "How do you feel?"

"Uhg nonga," Sean said finding that his ability to articulate words had fled.

Suzie slipped her mouth over one of his fingers. She sucked on it for a few minutes and then asked, "How do you feel?"

"Gling gling mung mu," Sean answered.

Suzie threw her arms around him and kissed him. She said, "I've got my Sean back."

"Cong Cong Dong," Sean said.

"Come with me," Suzie said standing up. She looked down at the figurines that were still moving and put them back in her purse. It wouldn't do to let others see them.

Sean rose from his chair and said, "Meenga Papapa."

"Yes, you are," Suzie said leading him out of the room with a smile on her face. Her Sean was back to his old self and all was right with the world. It didn't take her long to navigate her way through the hallways.

Sean leaned his head on her shoulder and sighed. He stayed that way through Calculus. They didn't miss anything since they were the only ones in class. It appeared that Jerry had gone to the nurse's office. He had been followed by Susan who was carrying a poetry book and begging to hear just one more poem. Sid had fallen asleep somewhere between the English classroom and this one.

Mrs. West didn't mind the lack of students in the classroom. She sat at her chair drinking coffee and thinking about past classes. They were only a few months into the semester and her students had already completed all of the required material for the year. They were about to start multivariable calculus. It was a subject that she'd never had to teach before. She didn't think she'd have to teach it now. These five kids were ready to invent their own form of calculus.

When the bell ending class rang, Suzie asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Like I want to stay like this forever," Sean said thinking that Suzie had a nice soft shoulder.

"Don't you have something that you're supposed to do today?" Suzie asked.

Shrugging his shoulders, Sean answered, "All I have to do today is to pick up my critters for my project from the store at lunch time."

"How about social studies class?" Suzie asked.

"I guess I should probably go to that too," Sean said not wanting to leave.

"Let's go to class," Suzie said.

"Do we have to?" Sean asked.

Suzie said, "Our grounding is over. We can spend the afternoon together. We'll get grounded again if we skip class."

"That's no good. We have to work this afternoon," Sean said thinking that life was unfair.

"You get to sacrifice French fries to the vegetable oil god," Suzie said.

Brightening, Sean said, "You always know how to cheer me up."

"Let's go," Suzie said rising from her chair.

Sean followed Suzie to the Social Studies class. Ms. Hawkins was standing at the front of the class ready to lecture. There were more empty seats than normal. She asked, "Is there something wrong with everyone?"

"They are just reading poetry or recovering from having read it," Sean answered.

"Poetry?" Ms. Hawkins asked looking at Sean blankly.

Nodding his head, Sean said, "You should try it."

"It turns women into sexual animals," Susan said. She gave a scary little growl as if to prove her point. Half of the boys in the class moved their chairs a little farther away from her.

Sean said, "Now that I think about it Ms. Hawkins, you don't need to try it. You and coach do a pretty good job without it."

Ms. Hawkins turned pale and started gasping for breath. Sean looked at her and asked, "Are you okay?"

Ms. Hawkins started panting in an attempt to take a deep breath. It wasn't working and all it was accomplishing was to make her feel dizzy. Sean said, "Maybe you should sit down, Ms. Hawkins."

Ms. Hawkins got down on the floor still gasping. Worried, Sean said, "You know, this teaching profession must really be stressful. She's too young to be having a heart attack."

Getting out of her chair, Suzie said, "Maybe we ought to get the nurse."

"You're right," Sean said standing up. He looked at Suzie and said, "Maybe you should get the nurse and I'll get Coach Slaughter in case she needs mouth to mouth resuscitation. I'm pretty sure he'd enjoy doing that."

A half an hour later, the EMS people were taking Ms. Hawkins out on a stretcher. Principal Charmers was asking Sean, "What happened?"

"I don't know. We were talking about poetry and she started acting funny," Sean answered.

"Poetry?" Principal Charmers asked wondering what Sean could have said about poetry that would trigger such an extreme reaction.

"It turns women into animals," Susan said. She gave another scary little growl as if to prove her point. Half of the boys in the class stepped closer to the door in case they needed to make a quick exit.

"You should try it. I bet your wife would really enjoy it," Sean said smiling.

"I know all about poetry," Principal Charmers said rubbing his forehead. He had just gone through the worst twenty-four hours of his life because of poetry.

"You stud," Sean said. He turned to the class and said, "Principal Charmers reads poetry to his wife."

"I like poetry," Susan said licking her lips.

Principal Charmers looked over at Susan and stepped back. The expression on her face was a little scary. He had seen Jerry earlier and the poor guy didn't look good. He looked at Sean and said, "Let me give you a little advice, Sean."

"I would be honored," Sean said leaning forward to make sure that he didn't miss a single word.

"Poetry should be a forbidden topic of conversation for you," Principal Charmers said.

"I was kind of expecting advice that was a little more exciting that than," Sean said disappointed.

"Just because it isn't exciting doesn't meant that it isn't good," Principal Charmers said.

"Okay. No talking about poetry," Sean said. He looked over at Suzie and then asked, "Can I still read it to Suzie?"

"That is up to Suzie," Principal Charmers said. He was going to have to talk to Ms. Hawkins to find out what Sean had said to her. His headache was getting so bad that he was beginning to worry about the possibility of a stroke.

"Great," Sean said smiling. He looked over at Suzie and said, "Principal Charmers said that I can read poetry to you."

"Now?" Suzie asked perking up.

"Not now," Principal Charmers said holding up a hand.

"Tease," Suzie said shaking her head in disappointment.

Looking at Principal Charmers, Sean said, "You get a girl all excited like that by leading her to believe that she's going to get poetry read to her and then you leave her frustrated. I don't know how your wife puts up with you."

"We're not talking about my wife," Principal Charmers said rubbing his forehead.

"I forgot, you read poetry to her. I bet you don't leave her frustrated," Sean said.

"Do you remember my advice?"

Sean nodded his head and said, "Yes. No talking about poetry."

"Thank you," Principal Charmers said.

"You're welcome," Sean said.

Principal Charmers said, "Why don't you head out for lunch now?"

"I've got to pick up the creatures for my science project," Sean said giving a credible impersonation of a mad scientist. He even followed up the statement with a diabolical laugh.

"That's even better. Go. Now. Stay gone."

Sean returned to school just in time for his biology class. He walked into class carrying a paper bag. Ms. Bird noticed the bag and asked, "What do you have?"

"The creatures for my project," Sean answered setting down the paper back.

"What are they?" Ms. Bird asked.

Reaching into the bag with both hands, Sean pulled out two of his creatures. Holding one in each hand, he answered, "Lobsters!"



-------

Chapter 52


Taking a break from the difficult job of sacrificing French Fries in boiling oil, Sean was seated at the picnic table at the Dairy King wondering how he was going to get some gold. His money was quickly running out despite having a job. His mother had given him his allowance and that had increased the pile of money in his desk drawer. Still, it wasn't enough to buy much gold.

"How are you doing?" Chom asked sitting down beside Sean.

"I'm okay. I'm trying to figure out how to buy some gold," Sean said staring at his compass. It was basically useless in trying to find some gold. After that little problem with finding his mother's wedding ring, he had tried using it well away from the house. It had led him to his gold-plated truck. There was just too much gold around to find some that he could keep.

Pip said, "You can't buy gold."

"Why not?" Sean asked surprised to hear that.

"You do know that you have to use magic to get it, don't you?" Chom asked looking over at Sean.

"I didn't know that," Sean said looking at Chom incredulous that he had left out an important little detail like that.

Nudging Chom, Pip said, "We might not have explained that little rule."

"I thought we did," Chom said looking confused.

"I think we might have thought about it," Pip said.

"I definitely thought about it," Chom said.

"Are there any other rules that you didn't tell me?" Sean asked getting worried.

"None that I can think of," Chom said tugging on his beard.

"That doesn't mean that there aren't any other rules," Pip said helpfully.

"That's true," Chom said nodding his head in agreement.

Pip said, "There are probably hundreds of rules that we haven't told you about."

"You didn't tell me any rules," Sean said trying to remember that day when he had been given the gift of magic.

"Well then, you have your answer," Chom said.

"What?" Sean asked.

"There are hundreds of rules that we haven't told you," Pip answered.

"Well what are they?" Sean asked thinking it was about time that he learned the limits of his magic before he got hurt or something.

"I don't remember," Chom said scratching the back of his head.

"What do you mean, you don't remember?" Sean asked.

Chom shrugged his shoulders and said, "I have problems remembering rules. Sometimes I find it more useful to make them up as I go along."

Nodding his head in agreement, Pip said, "We will probably remember a rule when you break it and then we'll tell you that you broke a rule."

"Right," Chom said finding that was a perfectly reasonable plan.

Sean said, "That won't help me if I break a rule that ends up killing me."

"We'll tell you those rules," Pip said.

"When we remember them," Chom added.

Pip said, "If we remember them."

"Great," Sean said feeling depressed.

Chom said, "You are going to need a lot of gold."

"Why?" Sean asked.

"I don't remember. I just remember that Merlin had tons and tons of it," Chom said.

"I don't remember him having tons of gold. Are you sure it was tons?" Pip asked looking over at Chom.

"Well, it might have been pounds," Chom said after a minute of thinking about it.

"I don't remember it was pounds. Are you sure it was pounds?" Pip asked.

"It might have been ounces," Chom said.

"That sounds a little better," Pip said.

Chom said, "Now that I think about it, he might not have had much gold at all."

"I think you're right," Pip said.

"So do I need a lot of gold or not?" Sean asked.

"Definitely," Chom said sounding confident in his answer.

"Definitely what?" Sean asked.

"You need a lot of gold or not," Pip answered. He leaned over to Chom and asked, "Did we pick a good one?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I wonder. He doesn't know the rules and he doesn't know how much gold he needs," Chom said.

"Well, you won't tell me," Sean said getting frustrated.

Pip said, "He's always blaming us for his shortcomings."

"You can say that again," Chom said looking at Pip expectantly.

Making Chom wait for it, Pip looked around for a few seconds. About the time that Chom was about to repeat himself, he said, "He's always blaming us for his shortcomings."

"No I don't," Sean said rolling his eyes.

Chom stood up and said, "Now that we've answered all of your questions it is time for us to be on our way."

"You didn't answer any questions," Sean said. He still didn't know how much gold he needed or what were the rules to using magic.

"We've got lots of work to do," Pip said looking serious.

"What work?" Sean asked wondering what the Dwarves were plotting.

"We've got to find some metal," Chom said.

Sean looked at Chom and asked, "What do you need some metal for?"

"It is a secret," Pip said evasively. Chom nodded his head in agreement.

"I know where there's some metal," Sean said wondering what they were doing that was so secret.

Pip asked, "Where?"

"Where?" Chom asked.

"At the mall. Stomp flattened a couple of police cars," Sean said.

"You don't say," Pip said stroking his beard.

"I just did," Sean said.

"So you did," Chom said.

Thinking about his conversation with the Chief of Police, Sean said, "I bet the police would pay you to make new police cars out of that metal."

"That wouldn't be good," Chom said with a frown.

"We won't get our airplane if we use the metal to make cars," Pip said covering his mouth as if he had just let some great secret out.

"It is kind of hard to get soda and popcorn without money," Sean said wondering what Dwarves knew about airplanes.

"That's true," Pip said. The plant lady at the convenience store was always chasing them out of the place because they didn't have any money.

"Can you buy meatloaf?" Chom asked deciding that there might be some merit to earning a bit of money.

Upon hearing that dreaded word, meatloaf, Sean ran off towards the woods with a hand over his mouth. Watching him go, Pip asked, "What's the matter with him?"

"I don't know," Chom said. He listened for a minute and then commented, "The noises he is making aren't natural."

"I don't know what he's doing, but I can smell it from here," Pip said wrinkling his nose.

"It sure smells bad," Chom said edging away.

Pip asked, "Do you think he's going to figure out how to get some gold?"

"He's not entirely stupid," Chom answered trying to spot Sean in the woods.

"Let's head to the mall and visit Stomp. Maybe we can work out a deal for some metal," Pip said.

"We better bring a Leprechaun with us," Chom said.

While the pair of Dwarves walked off, Pip said, "Good idea. I bet we can negotiate for four big bottles of soda each."

"Maybe we can even get two boxes of popcorn each," Chom said.

Sean returned to work after recovering from his trip to the woods. Holding a French fry above the fryer he said, "You will tell me all you know or I will drop you in the boiling oil!"

"No!" he cried out in a high pitched voice.

"Who is blackmailing Rita?" Sean asked shaking the fry.

"I will tell you nothing," he answered in a high pitched voice.

"Talk now or it is the oil for you!"

"No!"

Sean released the French Fry and watched it fall into the fryer while crying out in a high pitched voice, "Nooooo!"

Shaking his head, Mr. Catchums asked, "Are you done torturing French Fries?"

"It depends," Sean answered looking at his boss.

"It depends on what?" Mr. Catchums asked afraid of the answer.

Sean leaned forward and said, "It depends on if you want to know who is blackmailing Rita Onion Ring or not."

"Why are the French Fries blackmailing Rita Onion Ring?" Mr. Catchums asked wondering why he was bothering to ask.

"For engaging in natural acts with Ryan Onion Ring," Sean answered.

"Shouldn't that be unnatural acts?" Mr. Catchums asked thinking one would only get blackmailed for committing unnatural acts.

"What kind of onion ring do you think Rita is?" Sean asked shocked and dismayed by the suggestion that Rita was anything but a good onion ring.

Deciding that he had enough of this foolishness, Mr. Catchums said, "It is approaching closing time. You need to clean up."

"Okay," Sean said looking around his work area. It wasn't all that messy.

"If you find my keys, let me know. I can't find them," Mr. Catchums said patting his pockets as if checking that his keys were still missing.

"I can probably torture the location of your keys out of the French Fries," Sean said. He gave the bag of French Fries a dirty look and said, "They're criminals. Odds are good that one of them stole your keys or knows who did."

"Just clean up the kitchen," Mr. Catchums said shaking his head. Sean was a good worker, but there was something that just wasn't right in his head.

Sean waited for Mr. Catchums to leave the kitchen area before ordering the sponge to start cleaning. He stood there for a second watching the sponge float around the room scrubbing away grease and smudges from the surfaces of the kitchen equipment. An idea came to him and he reached into his pocket for his locating compass. Looking at it, he ordered, "Find the closest lost keys."

The needle spun towards the backdoor. He walked in the direction indicated by the needle. He opened the door and stepped through. The needle turned so that it pointed behind him. Sean said, "That's strange. First it was pointing in front of me and then it is pointing behind me. I wonder what that means. Perhaps I walked past them. Or maybe some villain is trying to sneak the keys off behind my back."

Sean turned around and looked at the door knob. He was about to grab it when he thought to look down at the ground. Smiling, he spotted the keys lying on the ground. He said, "You can run, but you can't hide from me."

He picked up the key ring and headed back into the store. He noticed that the sponge was still cleaning. He went into the front and held up the keys. He said, "Mr. Catchums, your keys were taken by Black Bart Burger. I found his hiding spot."

Mr. Catchums looked over at Sean and saw the young man was holding out his keys. Taking the keys from Sean, he asked, "Where did Black Bert Burger hide them?"

"I know it is easy to confuse Black Bart Burger with his twin brother Black Bert Burger, but the villain in this case was Black Bart Burger. He hides his stolen goods on the ground near the backdoor," Sean said.

Mr. Catchums said, "The logical explanation is that I dropped them."

"That's a boring explanation. I like mine better and I'm sticking to it," Sean said looking at his boss.

"Thanks for finding my keys," Mr. Catchums said shaking his head. It wasn't worth arguing about it.

"You're welcome," Sean said. He returned to the kitchen to watch the sponge at work. He thought about Black Bart Burger for a few minutes and then said, "If I can find lost keys without interference from unlost keys, then I can find unowned gold without interference from owned gold. There's an idea in that sentence somewhere."

He looked down at this locator compass and said, "Point in the direction of the nearest unowned gold."

The pointer moved to indicate a direction. Sean let loose with a wicked laugh and said, "It works. All right! I'm going to get me some gold."

"What are you doing?" Mr. Catchum called out.

"I'm plotting the demise of the head of the lettuce leaf cartel," Sean answered.

"Don't make it too bloody," Mr. Catchem said. All he needed was ketchup sprayed around the kitchen. He muttered, "There's something wrong with that boy. He cleans like a demon, but that head of his is on sidewise."

The sponge, having run out of dirty surfaces, finally stopped cleaning. Sean ordered the sponge to return to the sink. Once it was there, he said, "Mr. Catchums, the kitchen is clean."

"You can go home now," Mr. Catchums said knowing that he didn't need to check Sean's work. The kid always left the kitchen spotless. It was unnatural.

Sean went outside following the pointer on his locator compass. Looking down at it, he oriented himself so that he was facing in the proper direction. Looking up all he saw was the woods. He said, "I think I've got a problem. I know in what direction it is, but I don't know how far away it is. That is not good."

"I must triangulate," Sean said waving a finger in the air. He walked a few feet to the side and looked at the direction the pointer was pointing. It hadn't changed direction. He moved a few more feet to the side and saw that it still didn't change direction.

Having cleaned the front counter, Suzie came over to where Sean was walking sideways and said, "We can go now."

"In a minute," Sean said taking a couple of steps to the side. The pointer still didn't change direction.

Suzie watched him thinking that it was rather unusual behavior even for him. Giving up on finding a rational explanation on her own, she asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm finding some gold," Sean answered.

"That's interesting," Suzie said. She sat down at one of the tables and watched Sean walking sidewise across the parking lot. After he had made his way to the far end of the parking lot, she said, "That sure is a strange way to find gold."

Sean came back to her and said, "There's gold that way, but I don't know how far away it is."

Suzie looked at the locator compass in his hand and asked, "What is that?"

"It is my locator compass," Sean answered quite proud of the witty name he had come up with for the device. He had considered calling it the loca-tron, but there were no electronics involved.

"How does it work?" Suzie asked looking over the device. It just looked like a compass to her.

"I order it to point at something and it points at it," Sean answered.

"Can you show me how it works?" Suzie asked curious about this new application of magic.

"Point at the handsomest man in the world," Sean ordered. Smiling, he held it out for Suzie to look at.

Suzie pointed off to the side and said, "He's that way."

"It must be broken," Sean said looking down at it. Seeing that it was pointing off to the side, he said, "It is supposed to be pointing at me."

"You might not be its type," Suzie said with a smile.

"Point at the most beautiful woman in the world," Sean ordered. The needle swung to point directly at Suzie. He said, "I guess it only works half of the time."

"Right," Suzie said amused at his honest puzzlement.

Pointing to the woods, Sean said, "I know there is some gold in that direction. I just don't know how far away it is."

"We'll just have to triangulate," Suzie said.

"That's a brilliant idea," Sean said hugging Suzie.

Fishing for a little compliment, Suzie asked, "Do you really think so?"

"Of course," Sean answered. "I already thought of it."

Sean and Suzie got into his truck. He drove off in a direction for a mile until the needle started changing direction a little. Sean stopped and said, "It is off in that direction now."

"I would say that puts it a long way away," Suzie said trying to figure out how far it would be.

"We'll just drive around until we hit it," Sean said. He turned down a street that headed in the right direction.

Seeing that Sean had turned into a dead-end street, Suzie said, "Maybe we should get a map."

"We can't do that," Sean said looking at her with a horrified expression on his face.

"Why not?" Suzie asked.

"Getting a map is worse than asking directions," Sean said knowing that knowing where you are going is not a manly activity. Seeing the look she gave him, Sean explained, "Men are trailblazers. We aren't supposed to know where we are going."

"That makes sense," Suzie said rolling her eyes. She looked down at her wristwatch wondering if she would get home before morning.

"I am a manly man," Sean said. He cocked an arm to show off his mighty muscles despite the fact that his muscles could hardly be called mighty.

"What are you doing?" Suzie asked.

"I'm showing off my great physique," Sean answered.

"That must explain why I'm breathless," Suzie said smiling at him. He might be a goofball, but he was her goofball.

After driving down dark roads for half an hour, Sean finally reached the place where the needle was moving in a manner consistent with being near the gold. Looking across the broad expanse of ground, he said, "We are here."

"Where are we?" Suzie asked trying to peer out into the dark.

"There be gold in them thar hills," Sean said pointing off to his side of the truck.

Suzie wrinkled her nose as a vile smell assaulted her. She asked, "Where are we?"

"The dump."



-------

Chapter 53


Friday night football at the school was one of the few social occasions that brought the entire student population together. They weren't there to cheer the team on to a win since that happened so infrequently that everyone had given up hope. It was basically that it was the only thing to do in the entire area.

Sean and Suzie climbed the bleachers to watch the game. Sean spotted Coach Reynolds seated in the stands and said, "Ms. Woodhill's boyfriend is here."

"He must be here to watch her coaching debut. Let's sit with him," Suzie said thinking that he would appreciate a little company.

"I'm sure that he'll appreciate our fine company. I know I would if I was him," Sean said heading in his direction.

"Hello, Sean and Suzie," Coach Reynolds said when they sat down next to him.

"Hello, Coach Reynolds. Are you here to watch Ms. Woodhill lead our team to another loss?" Sean asked thinking that was a nice polite opener to a conversation.

"Your confidence in her coaching is a little underwhelming," Coach Reynolds said with a laugh.

"The word around school is that we'll only lose by fifty points," Suzie said.

Nodding his head, Sean said, "I even heard someone say that we might even get a touchdown this game. We haven't had one of those for a long time."

"That would really be exciting," Suzie said.

"They aren't that bad," Coach Reynolds said. He had faith in his girlfriend's ability to whip the team into shape.

"Yes, they are," Sean said as if that was a widely known fact on par with the world being round.

The team came running out to the field from the gym. Suzie commented, "Look. They are actually running to the field."

"Of course they're running," Coach Reynolds said.

"Usually they kind of walk out there," Sean replied.

Suzie said, "Sometimes they just shuffle along."

Coach Reynolds caught sight of Ms. Woodhill and burst out laughing. Slapping his thigh, he said, "I don't believe it. She said that she was going to wear that outfit."

Ms. Woodhill strolled out to the sideline wearing a pink southern belle dress, a large pink floppy hat, and carrying a pink parasol. Coach Slaughter walked next to her looking like he wanted to crawl into the nearest hole. The opposing coach and team were laughing at them.

Suzie said, "That's a nice outfit. She looks very feminine in it."

"You'd look good in it," Sean said agreeing with her.

"You've just got to love her. She's got a style that is all her own," Coach Reynolds said grinning.

"She's a great teacher," Sean said.

"Yes, she is," Suzie said.

Coach Reynolds asked, "Did she teach you about poetry yet?"

"Yes," Suzie said looking over at Sean to make sure that he didn't start talking about poetry. He was still under orders not to discuss the matter on school property.

From the row behind them, Susan said, "I like poetry."

Jerry said, "Down girl."

"Read to me," Susan said with a ferocious purr.

Coach Reynolds looked back at her and shivered. He said, "Scary."

"She can be a little scary particularly when people start talking poetry," Sean said. When Suzie shook her finger at him, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "I know. I'm not allowed to talk about poetry."

"It is nice to see her taking an interest in something for a change," Suzie said looking over at Susan. The young woman had her arms wrapped around Jerry.

Sid and Anita took seats in front of Sean. Anita was hanging onto Sid like he was a life preserver. Sean said, "Hello, Sid."

"Hello, Anita," Suzie said thinking that Anita looked very satisfied.

Grinning from ear to ear, Sid said, "Hello, Sean."

"Hello, Suzie," Anita said snuggling up to Sid.

"How are things going?" Sean asked.

"Things are going great," Sid answered.

"Things are real great. He was reading poetry to me earlier," Anita said. She ran a hand along Sid's thigh and kissed him on the neck.

"I like poetry."

"Down girl."

"Read to me."

Looking out at the action on the field, Coach Reynolds said, "It looks like they are about to start the game."

The opposing team kicked the ball. One of the players caught it and started running. Watching the action, Suzie asked, "What is he doing?"

"I think he's running," Sean answered leaning forward to see the action a little better.

"Shouldn't they have tackled him by now?" Suzie asked when one of the players from the other team missed tackling him.

"Yes," Jerry said.

Taking a moment to look away from Anita, Sid watched the action on the field with a puzzled expression on his face. He asked, "We're the team in blue, right?"

"I think so," Sean said watching one of the players in blue knock a player in white on his butt. He asked, "Was that a block?"

"Maybe we're the team in white," Suzie said watching the runner avoid another tackle.

Demonstrating that she wasn't all chest and long legs, Anita said, "All of the players standing next to Coach Slaughter are wearing blue."

Coach Reynolds stood up and shouted, "Way to go!"

Not quite sure that he believed what he had just witnessed, Sean asked, "Did we just score a touchdown?"

"It sure looks like it to me," Suzie said.

"How did that happen?" Sid asked. He looked at Anita and she shrugged her shoulders in reply.

Still a little excited about the poetry teasers, Susan stood up and shouted, "We scored a touchdown."

The stunned silence that had held sway in the stands was finally broken. Everyone stood up and started shouting. Coach Slaughter was staring at the far end of the field with his mouth open. Waving her parasol around, Ms. Woodhill shouted, "Now that is the way to score a homerun!"

"She's good," Coach Reynolds said with a grin. The coach for the other team was throwing a fit.

Clea arrived while everyone was celebrating the touchdown. Clea sat down next to Suzie and asked, "What's going on?"

"We actually had a touchdown," Suzie said excited.

"Okay," Clea said having no idea what that meant. She pointed at Ms. Woodhill and asked, "Is that the woman that has Max terrified?"

"Yes," Suzie answered.

"She doesn't look like much," Clea said. She studied Ms. Woodhill for a second and then added, "I like her outfit."

"It is nice, isn't it?" Suzie said.

"Where can I get a dress like that?" Clea asked.

"I don't know. We can probably ask her after the game. They might have one at Shirley's Treasures," Suzie answered. They had all kinds of outfits there. She looked over at Clea and asked, "Are you giving up on leather?"

"Never," Clea said, "Max really likes it when I wear my leather outfit. Of course, with all of the holes in it, I can't wear it everywhere."

"Leather?"

Everyone turned to look at Susan. All of the males moved away from her a little. Jerry said, "Down girl."

"He Worshipped My Leather Clad Body," Susan said shivering. Looking at Jerry, she sighed, "I love that poem."

Leaning over to Suzie, Clea asked, "Who is the scary lady?"

"Susan," Suzie answered, "You should talk to her."

Clea climbed the bleachers and sat down next to Susan. She asked, "You like leather clothes?"

"Oh yeah," Susan said with a growl. She rubbed Jerry's thigh and he groaned.

"You should see some of the outfits I have. They drive Max wild," Clea said.

"Where did you get them?" Susan asked more interested in the topic of conversation than the ballgame on the field.

"Shirley's Treasures," Clea answered. She looked out at the field in time to see Max tackle someone. She shouted, "Way to go Max."

"They'll be closed by the time I get there," Susan said. She leaned over to Jerry and asked, "Would you like to take me to Shirley's Treasures tomorrow?"

"Yes," Jerry said. His eyes glazed over while imagining Susan wearing some of the outfits there.

"It is a date," Susan said.

Coach Reynolds was more interested in the game than in the conversations taking place around him. He leaned over to Sean and said, "It is hard to believe the improvement the team is showing in just a week."

"We are actually winning," Sean said staring at the field. He wasn't quite sure what to make of that fact.

Thinking it was a newsworthy event, Suzie said, "Maybe we ought to tell someone on the school paper to cover the game."

"They already wrote the article," Sean said.

Suzie said, "Oh, I forgot."

"The game just started. How could they have written it already?" Coach Reynolds asked.

"Every week they publish the same article covering the football game. They just substitute in the score and name of the opposing team in the headline," Sean answered.

"You're kidding?" Coach Reynolds asked.

Suzie said, "Everyone in school knows the football report verbatim. Last Friday, the football team suffered another humiliating defeat at the hands of the opposing team. Crushed by a score of something to something, the team left the field in a sad procession reminiscent of a funeral."

"You've got to admit that is great imagery," Sean said.

"Very heartfelt," Sid said nodding his head in agreement. He added, "I particularly like the part about the hopes of the fans disappearing like ashes in a gale."

"That is good," Sean said.

"I don't know. I always thought that was taking the funeral analogy a little too far," Suzie said.

"That's true," Sid said. He could see why someone would think that way.

Sean said, "They've had years to perfect that article."

"You're right," Suzie said.

Considering that he worked at a large football school in which even a sneeze by the quarterback made the school paper, Coach Reynolds asked, "Do you mean to tell me that you've been running the same article reporting the football news every week?"

"Yes," Sean answered. It made perfect sense to him.

Sid said, "You know what. I don't think we even have a sports reporter on the school newspaper."

"You might be right," Suzie said. She turned around and said, "Jerry. Who is the sports reporter for our school newspaper?"

"We don't have one. We haven't needed one since old coach what's his name retired," Jerry answered.

"Who works on the school newspaper?" Sean asked.

"I don't know," Suzie said looking around puzzled.

Sid called out, "Does anyone have a copy of the school paper?"

When no one answered, Anita asked, "Do you have one in one of your pockets, Sean?"

"No," Sean answered. Considering all of the things that he carried in the pockets of his pants, it was kind of surprising that he hadn't thought to include a copy of the school paper.

Taking a break from the pile of paperwork on his desk, Principal Charmers walked out to the stands to make sure that everyone was behaving themselves. He had to make a token appearance at every game. He was walking past the group of students when Sid shouted, "Hey Principal Charmers, we have a question over here."

"What?" Principal Charmers asked coming over to where they were all seated.

"Who is on the school newspaper?" Sean asked.

"I'm not sure anyone works on it," Principal Charmers answered. He scratched his head and said, "I think we just reprint last year's paper by changing the date on it. Ms. Hawkins usually takes care of that."

Coach Reynolds said, "That's not much of a student paper."

"It is printed on recycled paper," Sean said objecting to the rather poor characterization of their school paper. "It is even eight and a half by eleven. Sometimes there are articles on both sides of the sheet."

"There are no students working on it," Coach Reynolds said.

"That's why we call it the school newspaper and not a student newspaper," Principal Charmers said. He added, "We only have articles on both sides of the sheet when the photocopier is working correctly."

"Who is going to write up this game?" Suzie asked.

"We've got a perfectly good article for our football games. We've been running it ever since coach what's his name retired and no one has complained," Principal Charmers answered. He looked out at the scoreboard and studied it for a second. Puzzled he asked, "Is the scoreboard broken?"

"No. We're ahead seven to nothing," Suzie said.

"Really? How did that happen?" Principal Charmers asked. The first quarter was about to end with his school ahead.

Thinking that the explanation should be obvious, Coach Reynolds said, "Your team scored a touchdown."

"How did they manage to do that?" Principal Charmers asked.

"Ms. Woodhill is a very good coach in addition to being a most excellent English teacher," Sean said. He leaned over to Suzie and said, "Didn't I say that earlier?"

"Yes, you did," Suzie said.

Watching Max tackle someone else, Clea said, "I'll write the article."

Principal Charmers looked at her. The beard kind of threw him for a moment, but he recovered nicely and asked, "Are you a student here?"

"No, but my boyfriend is on the team," Clea answered.

"I think the person who writes the article should be a student," Principal Charmers said. There was a large shout from the other students. Looking around, he asked, "What happened?"

"I think we scored another touchdown," Anita said.

"We did?" Principal Charmers asked. Two in a single game had to be some kind of school record.

Clea asked, "What is a touchdown?"

"How did that happen?" Sean asked.

"I think Max stole the ball and scored," Sid said.

Giving Sid a dirty look, Clea asked, "Max scored? Who did Max score with?"

"It means that he carried the ball over the goal line," Sean explained.

"I thought when a guy scored that he had sex with a woman," Clea said wondering if Sean was trying to trick her.

"That's another meaning," Sean said.

"You're going to have to explain this football thing to me," Clea said.



-------

Chapter 54


"I wasn't quite expecting it to be this bad," Sean said looking over the dump. In the midst of an unusually hot day, the mounds of garbage gave off a stench that threatened to destroy his sense of smell forever. The limits on the range of his magic gift required him to be right in the center of it.

"What are you doing?" a male voice asked him from behind.

Sean turned around and spotted the pair of elves, George and Georgia, watching him. George was devastatingly handsome and Georgia was overwhelmingly beautiful. They were floating about a foot above the garbage. They were watching him with obvious amusement on their faces. Sean said, "Oh, hello. I haven't seen you around for a while."

"We've seen you," Georgia said. Her voice reminded Sean of a choir singing.

"We caught a few of the plays you've had at your house," George said.

"Oh, you should have come up for some sodas and popcorn," Sean said. He had not realized that the elves had actually been by his house.

"Unlike the Dwarves, I'm afraid that we don't particularly care for sodas and popcorn. We prefer wine and fruit," George said with a hint of disdain in his voice. Elves tended to be the aristocrats of the magical races.

"I fear that my parents would never allow us to serve wine. I will make sure to have some apples out for you tonight," Sean said. He could imagine a bunch of drunken dwarves loose in the backyard. They would probably remodel the house, or at least begin to remodel the house.

"We'll stop by your concession stand the next time that we watch one of your plays," Georgia said.

Looking at the trash around him, Sean felt that it wasn't the kind of place where Elves would normally live. He asked, "Do you come out here often?"

"This is our first time out here," George answered amused by the question.

"We came out here to see what you were doing," Georgia answered.

Surprised by that, Sean said, "You came out here to see me? I am honored. I doubt that I would come out here to see me if I were you."

Georgia said, "What are you doing out here amongst all this trash?"

"Looking for gold," Sean answered knowing that it sounded kind of stupid. A dump would have been the last place he would have thought of to find anything of value.

"Treasures in a midden," George said with an amused expression on his face.

Georgia laughed and said, "I like it. There's nothing like seeking a beautiful rose in the midst of a dunghill."

"There is a sense of irony about it that I can appreciate," George said. The Elves were attracted to ironic situations.

"I don't know about a sense of irony, but this is killing my sense of smell," Sean said. This was not on his list of most favored ways to spend a Saturday afternoon. In fact, if he had such a list with this on it the list would have been ten miles long and it would have been the very last item on it.

"I can imagine," George said. Their magic was working overtime to keep the stench away from their noses.

Waving a hand in front of her nose, Georgia said, "We must be off. The smell is becoming a little too much for us."

"Have a nice day," Sean said smiling at the pair of elves.

"Fare well," Georgia said while turning transparent and disappearing from view.

"Have fun," George said fading from view.

"Goodbye," Sean said waving to where they had been. He looked around and then said, "I'm going to have to learn how to disappear like that."

Sean looked down at his locator compass. He was standing right next to some gold; more accurately he was standing above some gold. He looked down at his feet wondering how he was going to get the gold. He moved a little of the trash with his toe. The sudden increase in odor convinced him that he didn't want to dig around in the trash.

He said, "There's got to be a way to get it out without having to dig for it."

Sean was wearing his pants with a dozen pockets. Each pocket was loaded with lots of lightweight items that he could control with his magic. Thinking there had to be something in his pockets that would help; he rummaged through them trying to find something that inspired him. Finally, he pulled out a latex glove. He ordered, "Get the gold."

The glove dropped to the top of the trashed and wormed its way in amongst the trash. Sean watched it slowly disappear into the trash pile. He stood there looking down at his feet waiting for the glove to return. He had visions of it returning with a jewelry box filled with valuable jewels. After nothing happened for a minute, he said, "This is exciting. The anticipation is about to kill me."

After two minutes, Sean started to get worried said, "It should have been back by now."

After five minutes, he asked, "Is it digging its way to China?"

"I don't think it is coming back," Sean said after waiting ten minutes. By this time his eyes were watering from the fumes generated by the decomposing trash that surrounded him.

He was about to give up when the tattered remains of the latex glove poked up through the trash. A small gold gleam was just visible through the debris at his feet. Sean reached down and picked up the piece of gold. Holding it up, he said, "A gold tooth? That's disgusting, but I guess it is a start."

He slipped the gold tooth into his pocket and pulled out the locator compass. He said, "Find the nearest unowned piece of gold."

The locator compass pointed to the next mound of trash. It looked to him like someone had dumped ten thousand disposable diapers on it. Looking at the size of the mound, Sean said, "Oh boy. This is just getting better and better."

Walking over to the mound of trash, he reached in his pocket and pulled out another latex glove. Looking at it, he said, "Get the gold."

The latex glove wormed its way into the trash heap. It was ten minutes before the thumb of the latex glove returned to the surface. The thumb was all that remained of the original glove. Trapped within the curled bit of latex were ten links of a fine gold chain. Sean picked it up and stared at the miniscule quantity of gold. He couldn't even feel it in his hand. He frowned and said, "The latex glove was worth more than that."

He put the chain into his pocket and pulled out the locator compass. He ordered it to point to the nearest piece of gold that was not owned by anyone. It took him a few seconds to determine that the nearest piece gold was in the trash pile at his feet. He pulled out his last latex glove and ordered it to get the gold. By this time, the odor from the baby diapers was making him dizzy. He couldn't move away since his magic didn't extend that far. He hoped that he didn't collapse because that would kill him.

The latex glove returned after twenty minutes. There was so little left of it that he couldn't even recognize what part of the glove it had come from. It held a little piece of gold. He picked it up and examined it. At first he couldn't make out what it was, but then realized that it was a small part from an earring. Staring at it, he said, "This is not quite working out the way I thought it would."

He pulled out his compass and ordered it to find the nearest gold that was not owned. It pointed to the next mound of garbage. Looking at the pile of garbage, Sean said, "I could end up being out here all day."

Having exhausted his supply of latex gloves, Sean returned to his truck. The hour spent out at the dump had a great disappointment to him. He had a gold tooth, a small bit of chain, and a broken earring to show for his time out there. The total didn't weigh much and he knew that the pure gold content was probably less than half of what the pieces weight. Getting in his truck, he drove home thinking that he had to find something around the house that would be better at retrieving the gold than the latex gloves.

Discouraged by the time spent at the dump, Sean arrived at home and walked around to the backyard to see what the Dwarves were doing. They were standing around five flattened police cars. Sean could see that they were arguing about something, but he couldn't hear the details.

Curious about how they had managed to get the flattened cars to the backyard, Sean went over to them. He asked, "What are you doing?"

"Whoa! What is that smell?" Clea asked waving a hand in front of her nose.

"I've been out to the dump," Sean said realizing that his time out at the dump had saturated his clothes with the smell.

Chom held his bulbous nose and said, "It is at times like this that my substantial nose is a liability rather than an asset. You stink!"

"Your nose is your best feature," Clea said.

"That is true," Chom said. He was quite proud of his large nose.

Pip didn't care one way or the other about Chom's nose. Chom would have said that Pip was jealous, but he was too polite for that. Changing the subject, Pip asked, "What were you doing out at the dump?"

"I was looking for gold," Sean answered.

"I hope you found a lot," Chom said still holding his nose. He moved upwind of Sean hoping that it would cut down on the smell a bit. The other two dwarves joined him.

"It would take a pile of gold to make me willing to smell that bad," Pip said.

Sean reached into his pocket and pulled out the three items of gold that he had found. He held them out to the dwarves and asked, "Is this enough gold?"

"What gold?" Chom asked staring at the pitiful amount of gold in Sean's hand from a distance. Due to the stench rolling off of Sean, he wasn't willing to move any closer to look at it.

"Robbing the dead for their teeth?" Pip asked looking at the gold tooth.

"This was what I was able to find," Sean said hoping that it would be enough. He didn't relish the idea of spending another day at the dump.

Chom took the gold and squeezed it in his hand. The impurities ran out between his fingers. He opened his hand and there in the palm was a tiny nugget of gold. Looking at it, he said, "There's not much there."

"Is that it?" Sean said staring at the tiny nugget.

"That's it," Chom said.

"That's not much," Sean said thinking that he had spent more on latex gloves than the gold was worth.

"You can say that again," Chom said. The three dwarves looked at him expectantly. They started tapping their feet impatiently. When Sean didn't reply, Chom cleared his throat and said, "You can say that again."

"That's not much," Sean said pretty sure that the conversation wouldn't continue until he repeated his last statement.

"You're going to need more than that," Chom said handing the gold over to Sean.

"I'm going to have to figure out a better way to get the gold out of the trash," Sean said.

"You might try to find a way that doesn't smell so bad," Chom said. He took another step back from Sean.

Liam wandered over to them, but stopped a dozen paces away from Sean. Holding his nose, he asked, "What is that stench?"

"Sean," Chom answered.

"Me," Sean said shrugging his shoulders.

"What were you doing? Playing around in a trash heap?" Liam asked.

"Yes," Sean answered. "I was looking for gold."

"Gold?" Liam asked perking up.

"That's right," Sean answered.

"You say there is gold in the trash heap?" Liam asked getting a large grin. Rubbing his hands together excitedly, he shouted, "Hey, Agar! Come here."

A few seconds later, Agar appeared beside Liam. Agar asked, "What do you want?"

Liam whispered to Agar for a second. The second Leprechaun burst out laughing. It took him a minute to recover enough to say, "I like it."

"Can you imagine the pair of them out there?" Liam asked with a great big grin. Agar doubled over in laughter.

Listening to the conversation, Sean had a feeling that he knew what they thinking. He asked, "What are you planning?"

"Nothing really," Liam answered. Agar fell to the ground and rolled around laughing.

"Somehow I don't quite believe you," Sean said eyeing the two Leprechauns suspiciously. They were planning something and he had a feeling that his mother wasn't going to be too happy about it.

Wiping the tears from his cheeks, Agar said, "We shall have to discuss the matter at a later time."

"I can't wait," Liam said chuckling.

Sean looked at the flattened police cars and said, "I see that you've been to the mall."

Chom nodded his head and said, "We had a nice little visit with Stomp."

Liam said, "I negotiated a great deal with the police for a new car."

"Oh? What did you get?" Sean asked.

"One hundred sodas," Liam said smugly.

Gesturing proudly at Liam, Chom said, "You should have seen Liam negotiate. He was magnificent. The policeman gave a pitiful first offer. Liam fell over once clutching his chest and the policeman caved in before he was even able to whimper."

Pip said, "They should have had a Leprechaun negotiating for them."

"What was their first offer?" Sean asked. He could imagine Liam out there faking a heart attack in front of a police officer. The cop would probably grab a defibrillator and attempt to jumpstart his heart.

"A thousand dollars," Pip said snorting disdainfully.

"What do we need dollars for? We want sodas," Chom said stabbing the air to emphasize his point.

"And you countered with one hundred sodas?" Sean asked. He had a feeling that they weren't going to be too happy in a minute.

"That's right. We were only expecting to get twenty sodas," Chom said nodding his head.

"It was a masterful piece of negotiating if I say so myself," Liam said. He strutted around proudly for a moment.

Sean looked down at the ground for a second trying to figure out how to tell Liam that he hadn't done a very good job of negotiating. Sean said, "Well..."

Noticing Sean's less than enthusiastic reaction, Liam said, "You don't look very impressed. What's the matter?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," Sean said scratching the back of his neck.

"Well, just say it," Pip said.

"You move your mouth and words come out," Chom said thinking that Sean might need a little hint on how talking worked.

"Don't forget to exhale while moving the mouth," Clea said adding the missing details.

Sean said, "A thousand dollars would buy more than five hundred sodas."

"What?" Liam asked staring at Sean with a frown.

"What?" the Dwarves asked glaring at Liam with frowns on their faces.

"A big bottle of soda costs less than two dollars," Sean said.

"What?" Liam asked not quite believing what he had heard.

"Five hundred bottles of soda?" Chom asked taking a step closer to Liam.

Pip said, "Something stinks around here and it isn't Sean."

Liam looked around at the Dwarves for a second. They didn't look particularly happy. Backing away from them, he said, "Uh, I better be running along. I'm late for an appointment."

"You come back here," Chom shouted when Liam took off running.

Sean stood there watching the Dwarves take off after Liam. He said, "The Dwarves look a little angry."

"They'll get over it," Agar said.

Shaking his head, Sean said, "I would hate to be Liam when he gets caught."

"He won't get caught. He's a Leprechaun. Nobody catches a Leprechaun," Agar said watching Chom trip up with Pip. Clea just ran right over them in hot pursuit of Liam.



-------

Chapter 55


Mr. Kindle went to the blackboard and wrote the words, 'Compiling Evidence About Historic Events, ' across it in large block letters. He turned to the class and asked, "Can anyone name a historic event of the last century?"

"Winning the football game," Thomas Westerland answered without raising his hand. It felt kind of good knowing an answer to a question asked by a teacher for a change.

Looking across the room at Tom, Mr. Kindle said, "I don't think that has sufficient significance to be a historic event."

"You know not what you say," Sean said looking horrified by the comment.

"It was the first win in a long time," Max said indignant at the suggestion that it wasn't significant.

"Perhaps, I should say that the event is a little too local to be of much significance," Mr. Kindle said.

"Boo!" Tom said from the back row. He glanced down at this notebook to make sure that there wasn't a wad of paper headed towards his mouth. There wasn't. He relaxed a little.

Sean leaned over to Suzie and commented, "I don't think he understands the historical significance of the events last Friday night. You would think that a historian would recognize a historical event when he sees it. Perhaps I have over-estimated his abilities as a historian."

"Maybe he is thinking of something with a little greater scope to it — like a war," Suzie suggested.

"I'm still waiting for him to tell us about his tea-time conversations with Attila the Hun," Sean said.

Overhearing Sean's comments, Mr. Kindle rubbed his forehead trying not to get a headache. He asked, "Can anyone tell me why they think it is so historically significant?"

Speaking as if the answer was obvious, Max said, "We moved from being in last place to being tied for last place."

"That's a significant change," Sean said nodding his head in agreement.

Deciding that it wasn't worth arguing about, Mr. Kindle said, "Okay. Let's assume that winning the football game is a historic event. How would a historian go about ascertaining what happened?"

"They could talk to me," Max said looking at Mr. Kindle.

"Excellent," Mr. Kindle said. He wrote on the board, 'Interview participants, ' while saying, "You can interview a participant in the event. That is a first-hand account. If the participant is deceased, you can read any letters, diary entries, or memoirs he or she might have written. Now are there any factual errors that can be introduced as a result of getting information from a first-hand account?"

"Are you saying that I would lie to you?" Max asked giving Mr. Kindle a dirty look.

"This lecture is not going well at all," Sean said leaning over to Suzie.

"I think you're right. Max would never lie about something like that," Suzie said frowning at Mr. Kindle.

Feeling a major headache coming on, Mr. Kindle answered, "Not at all, Max. I'm suggesting that your account would focus on the elements that were most important to you."

"We won," Max said.

"That's true. However, I imagine that your account of the game would be different than an account given by a member of the opposing team," Mr. Kindle said.

"Of course it would. I would be talking about winning the game and he'd be talking about losing the game," Max said wondering what the problem was with that.

"Exactly. Your account would have a bias because it would focus on your role in the game rather than the game as a whole," Mr. Kindle said.

"Maybe," Max said not sure that he liked the idea that he was biased. He leaned over to Sid and asked, "What that an insult?"

"I don't think so," Sid answered although he wasn't quite sure.

Mr. Kindle asked, "Who else could a historian talk to about the game?"

Tom answered, "Me. I was there and saw the whole thing."

"Yes, a historian could interview a witness to the event. That is also a first-hand account. Now are there any factual errors that could be introduced by interviewing a witness?" Mr. Kindle asked. He wrote, 'Interview Witnesses, ' on the board.

"Are you saying that I would not be factual?" Tom asked. He was still a little perturbed that Mr. Kindle didn't consider the game historic.

"No. I'm just saying that you might have been watching the cheerleaders rather than the game when something important happened," Mr. Kindle said.

Donna looked at Mr. Kindle and crossed her arms. In a chilly voice, she said, "He wasn't. I was there. If he was looking at any women it would have been me."

"I stand corrected. He might have been watching you," Mr. Kindle said with a forced smile. He hadn't thought this lecture was going to be so difficult. Nodding at Donna, he added, "So there might have been events that Tom missed while looking at Donna."

"While gazing with adoration at Donna," Donna corrected.

"And lusting after her hot sexy body," Tom interjected earning a smile from his girlfriend.

"He's become quite the sweet-talker, hasn't he?" Sean commented to Suzie while pointing at Tom.

Suzie nodded her head and said, "You could learn a thing or two from him."

"I know, but he has to work at it a lot more than I do. After all, she isn't as pretty as you," Sean said.

Suzie smiled and said, "You're not that bad at sweet-talking yourself."

Trying to get control over the class discussion, Mr. Kindle asked, "So we have active participants and witnesses to the event as sources of information. Did anyone film the game?"

"No," Sean answered.

"Why not?" Mr. Kindle asked in surprise. Normally parents would record any games in which their children participated.

"Considering our past game history, who would want to watch us get creamed a second time?" Tom asked as if the answer should be obvious.

"That's true. My parents stopped coming to the games," Max said shrugging his shoulders. They had been very surprised when they had learned that his team had won the game. He could have knocked them over with a feather when he had told them he had scored a touchdown.

"Why?" Tom asked. His parents would have been overjoyed if he participated in any school activities. His parents had gone to the Thanksgiving school play back when he was in second grade. Of course, his role had led to him getting called 'Tom the Turkey' for the rest of the school year. That had dampened his enthusiasm with regard to participating in school events for life.

"Friday nights are their game nights," Max answered. He wasn't quite sure what kind of games they played while he was out playing football and he didn't really want to know. He suspected that lots of leather and toys were involved. The less he thought about the subject, the better.

"They play sports too?" Tom asked shifting to look at Max. It made sense to him that the parents of a jock would be jocks.

Max shifted uncomfortably and answered, "Not really."

Curious, Tom asked, "So what are they doing?"

Max growled and answered, "They are probably having sex."

"That's gross," Donna said wrinkling her face.

Susan shuddered and said, "Old folks shouldn't be doing things like that."

Jerry said, "It isn't natural."

With his experience at having caught his father reading poetry to his mother, Sean said, "You would probably be shocked if you knew what your parents are doing when you aren't around. It is truly disturbing."

"Somebody should be supervising them," Donna said.

Mr. Kindle cleared his throat and said, "We've established that there aren't any recordings of the game. Where else can a historian get information about an event like that?"

The whole class stared at Mr. Kindle trying to come up with an answer to that question. After waiting for a minute, Mr. Kindle held up a newspaper that had been on his desk. He asked, "What about the newspaper?"

"I clipped out that article," Max said. "There weren't any details about the game in it."

Frowning, Mr. Kindle looked down at the article. He hadn't read anything beyond the headline since he had planned on reading the newspaper when he took his break in the teacher's lounge. Thinking that Max had to be exaggerating; he read the article aloud, "It appears that the Fighting Ferrets actually won a football game last Friday night. It is their first win since Coach What's-his-name retired years ago."

Faltering, Mr. Kindle said, "It is a little short of details."

"See," Max said. He would have liked it if his name had been in the article. After all, he had scored a touchdown.

"You're right. So what can we say about newspaper reports of events?" Mr. Kindle said. He went over to the board and wrote, 'Newspaper accounts, ' on it.

"They can be a little lacking in details," Max said.

"Exactly. They can also have political biases," Mr. Kindle said.

"Like what?" Tom asked.

Mr. Kindle said, "Well, let's take the example of the article that I just read to you. Does it strike you as odd that the article starts with the phrase, 'it appears?'"

"That does suggest that we might not have actually won," Max said with a frown.

"That's right," Mr. Kindle said.

"I'm going to write a letter to the editor," Max said getting angry.

Mr. Kindle said, "Now for this to be a truly historic event there has to be some consequences that extend beyond the event itself. Can anyone give such a consequence for the game?"

Suzie answered, "We now have two reporters on the school paper."

"Tom and I work on the school paper," Donna said raising her hand to get Mr. Kindle's attention. She leaned over to Tom and said, "That will teach my parents to try grounding me for a hundred years."

"How many did we have before?" Mr. Kindle asked wondering how the game could have affected the number of reporters on the school paper.

"None," Sid answered.

"None?" Mr. Kindle asked incredulous. He wondered how they managed to have a school paper without any reporters.

"It appears that last week's newspaper was written five years ago," Sean said.

Nodding her head, Suzie said, "They just changed the date."

Shaking his head, Mr. Kindle went to his desk draw and rummaged through it for a few seconds. He pulled out a copy of the student newspaper from a couple of weeks ago and looked over it. He asked, "Do you mean that we didn't send Mary Marcher to the state capitol to meet with the Governor's commission on education quality?"

Not recognizing the name, Max asked, "Who is Mary Marcher?"

Susan answered, "I think that is Kerry Marcher's older sister."

Looking around the room at his fellow students, Jerry asked, "Didn't she graduate two years ago?"

"Yeah. She works over at the Surf and Turf as a hostess," Donna answered.

"You know, I thought there was something suspicious about that article," Sean said scratching his cheek.

"I guess we learned that newspapers aren't exactly reliable sources of information," Mr. Kindle said incredulous that they would reissue an edition like that. He wondered if this wasn't worth an article in a history journal. He wondered how many small town newspapers did exactly the same thing. That would make an interesting doctorial thesis.

Nodding his head, Sean asked, "Have you read the Times lately?"

"You have a better chance of finding facts on an adult story site on the web," Sid said with a grin.

"I'm going to tell Anita that you're reading stories on an adult story site," Susan teased looking over at Sid.

"Who do you think told me about it?" Sid asked. He had read some of Anita's stories. They may not have been well written, but they sure gave him some ideas. He was pretty sure that Anita was hoping that he would try out some of those ideas with her.

Susan's mind slipped over to the topic of most interest to her and asked, "Do they have any poetry on that site?"

"I don't think so," Sid answered edging his desk and chair away from Susan. She had that feral excited look on her face.

Jerry said, "Pity."

Mr. Kindle decided that it was time to regain control over the conversation. He said, "We've established that there is at least one significant consequence to the game Friday night. Are there any others?"

"My girlfriend was quite pleased to celebrate our victory," Max said with a broad smile on his face.

"You're girlfriend has a beard," Tom said thinking it was a little strange for a woman to have a beard.

"Thomas Westerland, what did I say about making rude comments about people?" Mr. Kindle asked.

"She does have a beard," Tom said in protest.

"Of course she does. She's a Dwarf. Female Dwarves have beards," Max explained.

"They prefer the term Little People and females do not have beards," Mr. Kindle said thinking that all he needed was for word to get out that his class was talking in a derogatory manner about height challenged individuals. It was a well established fact that teaching was a very political profession today. Teachers not only had to watch out what they said, but what they allowed their students to say.

"No. She's not a Little Person. She's a Dwarf," Max said rolling his eyes.

"She is a Dwarf," Sean said supporting Max. Seeing that Mr. Kindle was about to argue he added, "He's talking species and not genetic irregularities."

"I don't think that having a girlfriend celebrating a victory with you is really a significant consequence," Mr. Kindle said wondering about what Sean meant by his suggestion that Little People belonged to a separate species. No matter what they talked about, it seemed to him that these kids kept coming back to the subject of sex.

"Speak for yourself," Dennis Walker said. He was the prototypical pimply faced kid of the school. He knew that every school had to have a pimply faced kid, but it really bothered him that he was the one at that school. He planned on having a long talk with God about that subject when he died.

Max said, "You've never celebrated a victory until you've celebrated one with a Dwarf wearing leather."

"That's too much information," Tom said holding up his hands.

"Leather?" Susan asked sitting up straighter. She asked, "Were there whips involved?"

"No," Max answered moving his desk and chair a little further from Susan.

Mr. Kindle took a step back and stared at Susan. The idea of her loose with a whip sent chills down his spine. They weren't chills of excitement. He said, "Were there any other significant consequences to the game?"

"Isn't it a little too soon to know all of the consequences?" Sean asked after thinking about it.

"That's an excellent point," Mr. Kindle said.

Nodding his head in agreement, Dennis Walker said, "We won't know for at least a month how many cheerleaders got pregnant."

"That's true," Suzie said.

"We won't know until the genetic tests come back who the fathers are. That will be at least nine months from now," Sean said. Now that he understood the math behind how the entire football team managed to date a handful of cheerleaders, he was pretty sure that paternity would become an issue.

Knowing a bit more about cheerleaders than the rest of the class, Max said, "All of the cheerleaders on are the pill."

Thinking that little piece of information was going to have a significant affect on his fantasies, Dennis Walker said, "That figures."

Mr. Kindle looked over at Dennis and shook his head wondering what was going on in the young man's mind. His headache was starting to pound. He only had a minute left to make his point about the lecture. He said, "We can speculate about the long-term consequences about an event, but to know if it is truly historic we have to wait to see what actually follows from it. That's what historians do. They assess past events in term of their long-term consequences. If a historian does his job well, then his or her assessment of past events can improve the quality of our speculations about current events. That is what makes the work of a historian important in the modern world."

"That's a good save to a pretty bad lecture," Sean said impressed.

"You're right," Suzie said.

"I was starting to worry there for a while. It looked to me like he was about to crash and burn," Sean said. He looked over at Mr. Kindle and asked, "Do you need some aspirin?"

"Yes," Mr. Kindle answered. Sean's comment hit too near the truth.

Sean rummaged around in his pockets for a few seconds before pulling out a bottle of water and a bottle of aspirins. He handed them both to Mr. Kindle. He said, "Teaching must be a very stressful occupation."

"It is," Mr. Kindle said opening the bottle and dumping out a handful of aspirin. He looked at the small pile of pill and dumped a few more into his hand. The bell ending class rang when he handed the bottle of pills back to Sean.

From history, Sean went on to English, math and social studies. In each class, with the exception of math, there was a long discussion about the football game. Other than that minor difference, Sean's day progressed like a normal day in school until his biology class.

The typical activity on Mondays in biology was to take measurements documenting the health of their projects. Reaching into the salt water habitat, Sean picked up a lobster and looked at the underside. Smiling at the lobster, he said, "Ah, Michael! How are you doing today?"

Sean put Michael down on the scale and weighed it. He frowned while recording the result under the value entered the previous week. Disturbed by what he saw, he said, "You've lost weight. Last week you weighed a half an ounce more than today."

"You're going to have to fight Michelle for food. If you don't eat, you'll disappear in a couple of months," Sean said holding the lobster so that he was looking it in the face. A claw came out and attempted to grab his nose. Shaking a finger at the lobster, Sean said, "Bad lobster."

Sean set down the lobster on the table. He got out the ruler in order to a measure the length of his lobster. He had to drag it back in front of him several times since the lobster kept trying to walk off. It took several attempts to get a decent measurement. He sat back and said, "That's odd. Michael shrank. Lobsters aren't supposed to shrink. Lobsters aren't supposed to grow without shedding their shell."

Sean reached over and grabbed the lobster before it walked off the edge of the table. Holding Michael, he went over to the habitat to get the other lobster. He picked up the other lobster and looked at the underside. Puzzled, he said, "Huh?"

He flipped over the first lobster and examined it. He used the lobster in his right hand to scratch his head just barely avoiding getting an ear clipped off in the process. He turned and stared at the habitat wondering if that had anything to do with his problem. Shaking his head, he said, "I don't think the habitat had anything to do with that."

Ms. Bird noticed Sean looking around the room rather puzzled. She asked, "Sean? What's the matter?"

"I've got a bit of a problem here," Sean said. He looked at the undersides of the two lobsters again.

"What?"

Sean said, "Michael shrank and Michelle turned into a boy lobster."

"Lobsters don't change gender," Ms. Bird said gently.

Holding up his lobsters, Sean said, "Last week I had a boy and a girl lobster. This week I have two boy lobsters."

Ms. Bird asked, "Are you sure?"

"I know enough about lobsters to tell the difference between a boy lobster and a girl lobster. Girl lobsters have a small shield between the second pair of walking legs. Last week, I had one of each gender and this week I have two boys," Sean said. He had been careful to pick out a pair of lobsters since he hoped to have them breed.

Deciding that Sean must have been mistaken, Ms. Bird said, "Well, take your measurements and put them back."

"Okay," Sean said. He put Michael back in the habitat and carried Michelle over to the table. Putting the lobster down on the scale, he weighed it. Grabbing the ruler, he measured the lobster. Looking up at his teacher, he said, "Michelle lost a half an ounce and shrank, too."

"Both of your lobsters shrank?" Ms. Bird asked puzzled. She could understand a little mistake about the gender of a lobster, but lobsters didn't shrink. She shook her head and said, "Lobsters don't shrink."

"That's right," Sean said. Troubled by what he believed happened, he put Michelle back in the habitat. He raised a finger in the air and declared, "Something stinks in Denmark and it ain't the fish!"

"They aren't fish," Ms. Bird said absently. She'd never had anything like this happen before.

"Well, you know what I mean," Sean said.



-------

Chapter 56


"What are you doing?" Sean asked. He knelt down to study the contraption the Dwarves had built.

"We're busy, don't disturb us," Chom answered.

"You're the only one here."

Chom replied, "Okay, I'm busy."

Since Chom was lying on his back with his fingers laced together on his stomach and watching the clouds go by, Sean didn't think that Chom was so that busy that he couldn't talk. He asked, "Busy doing what?"

"I'm busy working on the police car," Chom answered. He yawned and shut his eyes.

"This doesn't look much like a police car to me," Sean said rising up to walk around the contraption.

"Of course it does," Chom said opening his eyes to look at Sean.

"Well, police cars tend to be car shaped. This is shaped like a missile," Sean said. He noticed that it even had little fins on the back.

"They want a fast police car. We built a fast police car," Chom said explaining away any differences between what Sean expected and what they built.

Sean walked around the police car and asked, "Does it have a siren?"

"No. Stomp doesn't like the sound of a siren," Chom answered. There wasn't much sense in building a new police car just to have it stomped flat again. He said, "It does have pretty red and blue lights that flash."

"It really does look like a missile," Sean said not finding any sign of red or blue lights. There were only three wheels with two in the back and one in the front. He wondered how difficult it would be to turn.

"It isn't a missile; it is a police car," Chom said getting irritated at Sean's persistent criticism of their car.

"I'll take your word for it," Sean said shaking his head. He said, "I bet the first time you drive it that it takes flight for the moon."

"It will hug the ground like a scared child clinging to its mother," Chom said confidently. He yawned and then added, "Speaking of mothers, you might want to go get your mother if you want to eat dinner tonight."

"What about my mother?" Sean asked concerned by the sudden change in topic.

Chom answered, "She headed out to the dump about nine this morning with your girlfriend's mom."

"She's at the dump?"

"Yes."

"Why would they be out at the dump?" Sean asked pretty sure that he knew the answer.

"The Leprechauns were out here talking to each other about there being gold hidden in the dump," Chom said with a chuckle.

Knowing what the dump smelled like on a warm day, Sean asked, "They didn't happen to hold that conversation where my mom could overhear them did they?"

"I do believe that your mother was busy sneaking up behind them at the time," Chom said stroking his beard and looking thoughtful. He nodded his head and said, "Yes, I do believe so."

"Oh, brother," Sean said. He sighed and asked, "When will she ever learn that you can't catch a Leprechaun?"

"Leprechaun's do have a reputation of being rather tricky," Chom said.

Sean went into the house. Lily was seated at the kitchen table with a bag of cookies. She grabbed the bag and held it close to her chest. Looking at him through narrowed eyes, she said, "Mom has run away without leaving any dinner for us to eat. You're going to have to find your own food."

"Mom is at the dump looking for the Leprechaun's pot of gold," Sean said. He wondered if there was a twelve-step program for weaning mothers off of chasing Leprechauns. After a moment of thought, he decided it was a little too narrow of a problem to deserve its own support group.

"Oh," Lily said putting the bag of cookies back on the table. She thought about it for a second and grabbed the bag of cookies. She said, "You never know when she'll return."

"Let's go down there and get her," Sean said. There was a loud bang from the backyard.

"What was that?" Lily asked just when another loud bang sounded.

"I think the Dwarves are giving the police car a test drive," Sean answered. He wasn't quite sure why the cars the Dwarves built always made a bang when they started them. Of course, the sound of explosions was rather typical whenever the Dwarves did something. Sean looked out the back door and said, "The car is gone."

Sean and Lily decided that it would probably be a good idea to wait for the dwarves to return from their test drive before heading out to the dump. The Dwarves were out there somewhere driving the police car at what were undoubtedly high speeds and with reckless abandon. Sean didn't like the idea of being on the road at the same time as them.

"When do you think the dwarves will return?" Lily asked.

Glancing over at the clock, Sean said, "I'm not sure. They should have been back by now."

"It is starting to get late," Lily said. She reached into the bag of cookies and grabbed one.

"Can I have a cookie?" Sean asked.

"Get your own food," Lily said clutching the bag tightly to her chest.

When the Dwarves still hadn't returned after half an hour, Sean decided that it was becoming necessary to go to the dump anyway. If they waited too much longer it was going to be dark before they returned home.

Driving to the dump, Sean said, "Keep an eye out for the Dwarves."

"Why?" Lily asked. She was still holding onto the bag of cookies.

"They are driving around somewhere," Sean said terrified at the prospect of running into them on the road. It wasn't the chance of encountering them somewhere on the highway that concerned him, but the chance of literally running into them.

Lily pointed to the sign advertising the lingerie shop at the mall and said, "I don't think they will be driving anywhere for a while."

Sean looked in the direction that Lily was pointing. The police car was half buried in the Shirley's Secrets/Shirley's Treasure sign. The missile-like car was embedded right between the legs of the rather scantily clad model adorning the sign. The back two tires were spinning lazily. Pip was underneath the car tugging on his beard. Chom was sitting astride the vehicle checking out the situation while scratching his head. He said, "I told him that it would take off for the moon."

Giggling, Lily said, "Wow! That looks just like a scene from one of those movies on the dirty movie channel."

"What?" Sean asked turning to stare in shock at his little sister.

"Chom's rocket landed in her pocket," Lily said with another little giggle.

"No more television for you," Sean said sternly.

Lily rolled her eyes and said, "You need to learn how to clear the history file on your browser. I bet Suzie would just love to know what kind of websites you visit."

"You wouldn't dare," Sean said looking in horror at the smug expression on her face. He knew that she would tell Suzie about the websites he occasionally visited if he argued too much. Sighing, he said, "Let me find out what happened here."

Stepping out of the truck, Sean headed over to the sign. On reaching it, he asked, "What happened?"

"Nothing," Chom answered trying to look nonchalant.

"The car is embedded in a sign," Sean said pointing out the obvious.

"Really?" Pip said trying to look surprised. He stepped out from under the car and looked up at the sign. Going for the full innocent effect, he said, "You're right. The car is embedded in a sign."

"How did that happen?" Sean asked.

"I parked it here," Chom answered while Pip snickered.

"Great parking job," Sean said rubbing the back of his neck.

Looking a little worse for wear, Clea appeared on top of the sign and looked down at Chom. She said, "I told you I should drive. I warned you to watch out for that bump in the road."

"It was just a wee little bump," Chom said.

"It was a good flight. I flew about two hundred yards through the air," Pip said grinning.

"You didn't hit the sign," Clea said rubbing her forehead. She had enjoyed the flight for the fraction of a second that it had lasted.

Sean leaned forward and examined the sign a little more carefully. There was a slight indention that was oddly dwarf shaped above the point where the car was embedded in the sign. A normal person would have been killed hitting the sign that hard. Shaking his head, he asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Dwarves are tough," Clea said.

Looking back at the missile shaped car, Sean asked, "How are you going to get the car down?"

"Don't worry about that. We've got the situation under control," Chom said while pacing along the length of the car. He jumped up and down at the end furthest from the sign. The car didn't even rock a little bit.

"We do?" Pip asked surprised by that revelation.

Deciding that a change in topic would be a good idea, Chom asked, "Have you found your mother yet?"

"We were just on our way to the dump," Sean answered. He looked over at Lily and noticed that she was furtively eating another cookie.

"You didn't answer his question." Pip said. He ducked under the sign and looked at the front of the car. There was a lot of car stuck through the sign. He asked, "How are we going to get the car out of there?"

"Later," Chom answered.

"We're going to get it down later?" Pip asked. He jumped up trying to touch the bottom of the car. It was just out of reach.

"We'll talk about it later," Chom answered.

"When?" Pip asked.

Chom glanced over at Sean and answered, "When he's gone."

"When who's gone?" Pip asked.

"Him," Chom answered trying to gesture inconspicuously at Sean.

"Him who?"

"Him him," Chom said nodding his head in Sean's direction.

"I don't know anyone named Him Him," Pip said. From under the car he couldn't see Chom yanking on his beard in frustration.

"I'll explain it later," Chom said clenching his fists and looking up at the sky.

"When?" Pip asked walking to where he could see Chom. He noticed that Chom wasn't looking too happy. Turning to Sean, he asked, "Do you know Him Him?"

"I think he's talking about me," Sean answered wondering what kind of plan Chom had in mind that he wasn't going to talk about it with him around.

Lily rolled down the window and asked, "Are we going to go find Mom anytime soon?"

"Yes," Sean answered. He looked at the car and muttered, "It looks just like a missile."

"It's a police car," Chom shouted.

"It does look a bit like a missile," Pip said cringing when Chom glared at him. Standing up straight, he said, "What can I say? It looks like a missile."

Sean walked off while the two dwarves were arguing about whether or not the police car looked like a missile. He got into the car in time to hear Chom ask, "What is a missile?"

While Sean was putting on his seatbelt, Lily asked, "Why does Shirley's have two names?"

"Uh, I don't know," Sean answered despite the fact that he did know. He pulled away from the side of the street and continued the trip to the dump.

Lily said, "I bet it is because they sell naughty clothes and dirty toys."

"You might be right," Sean answered staring fixedly down the street ahead. He really didn't want to have a conversation about that with his little sister. She was too young to be talking about subjects like that.

"Maybe I ought to get some dirty toys," Lily said.

Sean was about to tell her to talk to their father, but held back. Their father would sputter for a minute and then send her to their mother. Knowing his mother, she would probably take Lily to Shirley's Treasures just to irritate him. He grimaced at the idea and said, "Stick to dolls."

"I heard they had inflatable dolls there," Lily said. She wasn't quite sure why anyone would want an inflatable doll, but she enjoyed watching Sean turn bright red. Wondering how red he could get, she said, "I heard that they were life size and anatomically correct unlike my Burbie doll."

"Stick to your Burbie dolls," Sean said.

"I want an inflatable doll," Lily said watching her brother for his reaction. She could almost see steam coming from the top of his head. Sweetly, she asked, "Do you think they have a Kent doll?"

"No!"

Lily said, "You are turning a particularly nice shade of purple."

"Can we change the subject?" Sean asked. His fingers were making indents in his steering wheel.

Lily grinned at him. She asked, "What would you like for your birthday?"

"My birthday isn't for months," Sean answered wondering why she had chosen that particular topic.

"I bet you would like an inflatable doll," Lily said with a giggle.

"No," Sean said thinking he wasn't going to survive the drive to find his mother. He wished that the dump was closer to the house.

Lily said, "I think I'll tell Suzie that you want one."

"Don't you dare," Sean said nearly driving off the road. He looked over at the bag of cookies she was hugging tightly to her chest and asked, "Can I have a cookie?"

"No," Lily said nearly crushing the bag of cookies when she clutched them tighter.

"Come on," Sean said begged.

"Okay," Lily said. She reached in the bag and pulled out a cookie. Handing it to him, she said, "Just one."

"Thanks," Sean said glad to have changed the subject.

"You're welcome," Lily said.

Sean nibbled on his cookie until they reached the dump. He parked his truck next to where his mother had parked her car. He turned to Lily and said, "There's mom's car. You might want to stay in here until I find your mother."

"Good idea," Lily said wrinkling her nose. Young ladies who wanted to become cheerleaders did not spend their free time at the dump. She was pretty sure that was in the cheerleaders' rule book. She said, "Cheerleaders do not play in the dump."

"You aren't going to be a cheerleader," Sean said firmly.

"That's what you think," Lily said. One day she was going to have lots of boyfriends who would fetch and carry things for her.

Sean got out of the car and wandered around the dump looking for his mother. The odor coming off the trash was mind-numbing. It seemed to him that it was worse than the day that he had spent out there searching for gold. It didn't take him long to find the two women. The foul language (perfectly fitting for environment) that came from their mouths seemed to carry for a mile. He stopped and looked down at the pair wondering how they had managed to get buried up to their chests in the trash. The two women exchanged looks that spoke volumes.

Amused, Sean said, "Tsk, tsk, tsk. It looks like someone threw away two perfectly good mothers."

"Shut up and get us out of here," his mother said not sharing his amusement for some strange reason. She was hot, tired, and thirsty. She had been stuck in the garbage since the early morning and was not in the best of moods. All she wanted to do was to get home and take a shower.

Suzie's mother said, "I hate Leprechauns."

"Whoever threw these mothers away must have wanted a younger model," Sean commented wondering why they didn't see the humor in the situation.

"Younger?" his mother screeched.

"I've heard that mothers get pretty cranky when they hit a hundred years old. I guess it is true," Sean said scratching his cheek.

His mother glared up at him and said, "If you keep talking like that, you won't live to see your next birthday."

Suzie's mother said, "I really hate Leprechauns."

"I'm beginning to understand why they threw you away. They wanted a nicer model," Sean said knowing that he was probably enjoying the situation a little too much.

"Get us out of here," Suzie's mother said.

Trying to look miserable, Sean said, "Look at what I've become. It is sad to think that I'm reduced to digging through the dump in the hopes of finding a mother. Imagine what it will be like going through life telling people that the only reason I have a mother is because I found one at the dump. I'll never live down the shame."

"I'll mother you," his mother threatened.

"I bet if I look around here a little longer that I'll find a nicer mother. I'm sure that other families have thrown away a mother or two," Sean said with a grin.

Resigned to the fact that she was going to be stuck there until Sean had finished having a little fun at her expense, Suzie's mother asked, "Why is he always the one who finds us?"

"I'm just lucky," Sean answered.

"The universe hates us," his mother answered. This was worse than having him find them glued to the bench in the middle of the woods.

Sean said, "I wish I had a camera."



-------

Chapter 57


Having nothing better to do, Sean walked down the path that led to the convenience store to pick up a soda. It was a nice Saturday afternoon and the weather had convinced him that it would be nicer to walk there rather than take his truck. Traveling the well worn path, he reached the junction that led off to Max's house. Much to his surprise he found Max seated on a fallen tree trunk tossing pebbles across the path.

After checking around to say hello to Clea, Sean realized that Max was alone for a change. Waving a hand at the young man, Sean said, "Hello, Max. How's it going?"

"Well enough," Max answered. They had won another football game the previous night. The game and the victory celebrations afterwards with Clea had left him worn out. He gestured to the trunk and said, "Pull up a seat."

"I don't mind if I do," Sean said. He sat down on the trunk and looked around. It was actually a rather nice spot to watch the activity in the woods. A pair of squirrels was running about; playfully taking turns chasing each other. There were a few birds flitting about in the trees. A nymph ran past being chased by one of the boys from school. It was just another typical day in the woods.

"I was doing a little research on the web this week," Max said.

Knowing the kind of research that was often his pursuit, Sean asked, "Did your research include pictures of naked women doing nasty things to men?"

"I think it would be more accurate to say that the pictures were of men doing nasty things to naked women," Max answered after double checking to make sure that Clea wasn't around. There was nothing quite as intimidating as a jealous Dwarf.

"Those are some of my favorite kinds of pictures," Sean said after looking around to make sure that Suzie wasn't anywhere around. There was nothing quite as intimidating as a jealous girlfriend.

Looking over at Sean, Max said, "I have come to the conclusion that you are doing it all wrong."

"That's interesting," Sean said. He thought about it for a minute and then asked, "Doing what all wrong?"

"You know, that magic thing," Max answered as if it was obvious.

"Oh, I thought you were going to say that I was doing the nasty thing to naked women all wrong," Sean said.

"I wouldn't know about that. I was talking about the magic thing," Max said.

"I think I'm doing the magic thing all right," Sean said. There were a lot of things that he could do with magic and he was still discovering more. It was his personal opinion that he was doing everything just the right way.

Max was silent for a second and then asked, "Have you figured out how to control an atom?"

Sean shook his head and answered, "No, I can't see the atom so I can't control it."

"Oh, I guess I didn't think about your magic having constraints like that," Max said a little disappointed by that particular restriction. He had a whole lot of ideas on how Sean could use individual atoms. "Can you change lead to gold?"

Shaking his head, Sean answered, "I can't do that. My magic doesn't work like that. That's changing the substance and not the thing."

"That sucks," Max said.

"You can say that again. I have to find a whole bunch of gold by the middle of next summer using magic. Believe me, it would be a whole lot easier to just change some lead to gold," Sean said. He was still a little unclear on how much gold he needed but suspected he was nowhere close to the appropriate amount.

Not really interested in Sean's problems in locating gold, Max shrugged his shoulders and said, "Anyway, that isn't what I meant by not doing the magic thing right."

"What did you mean?" Sean asked.

Even Max would have admitted that he had spent way too much time on the adult story sites over the past few days if anyone had asked him. Fortunately, no one asked him. He looked at Sean and said, "Well, I've been researching what teenage boys do when they get magic powers. You haven't been doing the right things."

"I'm not really cut out for that superhero stuff. Despite the fact that I've got the body of a young Adonis, you've got to admit that I would look stupid in spandex," Sean said waving a hand dismissively. He had already had that superhero conversation with Suzy. She disagreed with his assessment about how he would look in tights, but it wasn't a violent disagreement.

"That's not what I meant," Max said watching Sean adopt the pose of a muscleman. The only phrase that came to mind to describe the result was 'Super Chicken.'

Max thought about all of the stories he had read. They all had a few key common features. After reading a dozen of them, he had taken the time to compile a list just in case he had the chance to discuss the matter with Sean. He pulled out a sheet of paper and made a production of opening it. Convinced he had Sean's attention, he said, "I have made a list of the key relevant points. I started with the essential characteristics of the young man upon whom magic is bestowed."

"That's interesting," Sean said raising an eyebrow. The Dwarves had already explained the criteria by which he had been chosen.

Max read, "The finder of magic is a geek."

"That's not me. I'm more of a nerd than a geek," Sean said proudly. He and Lily had established that at the Surf and Turf over dinner one night.

"The finder of magic is an inept virgin until right after getting the magic," Max said.

Blessed with an active imagination and less than firm memory for history, Sean said, "I was always a sexual god. Women fell to their knees for my favors. I'm enough of a gentleman that I won't mention what they did while on their knees."

Max stared at Sean wondering how he could say that with a straight face. He said, "Name one woman who fell to her knees in front of you."

"Well, maybe they didn't actually fall to their knees, but they wanted to do that," Sean said. He wasn't going to admit that he still tended to hyperventilate when Suzy was acting particularly sexy.

Shaking his head, Max decided that subject was best dropped. He said, "The finder of magic is smarter than every adult around him."

"That is true," Sean said nodding his head in agreement. He added, "I would deny it, but that kind of humility doesn't become me."

"I was going to say that the last bit didn't fit you, but the other criteria were pretty accurate," Max said looking down at the list.

Sean said, "At least the description of me is almost right. We won't quibble over those two areas where it is totally wrong."

"There are only three characteristics," Max said looking down at his list.

"It is odd isn't it? You have three characteristics that sound almost right and yet they are off by so much," Sean said. "It just makes you wonder."

Shaking his head, Max said, "The point I am trying to make is that you started out as the perfect young man to get magic, but that you failed to follow the correct pattern of behavior after getting magic."

"Really? I find that rather surprising," Sean said sitting up a little straighter. He thought that he had been doing things rather well.

"I'm serious," Max said.

Worried that he was doing something incorrect, Sean asked, "What did I do wrong?"

"Well, you were supposed to immediately acquire a harem of sex starved women," Max said looking back down at his list.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Suzy wouldn't like that," Sean said trying to imagine how Suzy would react to that suggestion.

"You are supposed to be having sex ten times a day," Max said looking down at his list. The stories were quite explicit about that point. In fact, that was a major proportion of the stories.

Looking down between his legs, Sean wondered if he could actually do something like that. The idea was kind of attractive, but he didn't think Suzy would go for it. He said, "I kind of like the idea of that."

Max snorted and said, "Like you would even be able to move after having sex ten times in one day."

"Why would I want to move?" Sean asked confused by the suggestion that he would ever want to move around. "With a harem there to feed grapes to me and a number of women willing to have sex ten times a day, I would never want to leave the bedroom."

Max privately agreed with Sean on that, but he said, "There are other things that you are supposed to be doing. It appears in all of the stories that the guy becomes a millionaire, changes the entire political situation of the world, defeats dozens of bad guys, and still gets eight hours of sleep every night."

"When am I supposed to be doing other stuff?" Sean asked thinking that having sex ten times a day would pretty much occupy all of his time. There wouldn't be much of a day left even if he just spent five minutes spend doing the deed. The naps after each coupling would use up the rest of the day.

Max frowned while he considered the question. He answered, "That was one of the things I couldn't figure out. Somehow people with magic are able to have buildings constructed in a week."

"It takes a week for the concrete to dry," Sean said pointing out an obvious problem.

"That's beside the point. You're supposed to be out in the world doing great and unrealistic things," Max said.

"It sounds tiring to me. I'd be exhausted after having all of that sex," Sean said rubbing his chin.

"Despite the fact that I agree with that," Max said, "the point is that you are supposed to be fighting all kinds of bad guys."

"Why?" Sean asked. The chances of finding a bunch of bad guys to fight were pretty horrible since there weren't any bad guys in his little town. Considering that he spent most of his time either at school or at work, that didn't leave much time to go elsewhere looking for bad guys. He didn't think it would be proper to go out and create some bad guys.

Max frowned while trying to come up with a reasonable answer. The stories never covered that aspect of it. He answered, "So that any stories about you aren't boring."

"I guess I can agree with that," Sean said. "I suppose that a story in which the main character doesn't do much other than go to school is kind of boring."

"You can say that again. Of course, it wouldn't be boring if everyone went to school naked," Max said thinking that the web was full of great ideas like that.

"That's a good idea," Sean said perking up. "Maybe we ought to suggest that to Principal Charmers."

"I don't think he would go for the idea. We wouldn't learn how to read and write much less do arithmetic," Max said knowing the effect that the distractions of having naked women in class would have on his education.

"You're right. It is hard enough to concentrate on the material in classes with the girls dressed," Sean said knowing that he would spend all of his time looking at Suzie rather listening to the class material. Of course, he already did that so it wouldn't be much of a change.

"Right," Max said getting lost in a daydream about going to school with naked girls.

Sean sat there for a minute thinking about what Max had said. Finally, he said, "I suppose I can ask Suzy if I could have a harem."

Thinking that wouldn't be the smartest thing in the world to do, Max said, "I'd like to watch you propose that idea to her."

"Nah, that is something that I should probably do when I'm alone with her," Sean said. He figured that there was likely to be a pretty ugly scene until he convinced her of the merits of having a harem. He doubted that she was going to want to have sex ten times a day.

"I think I would rather have a crowd around so that they could protect me when she goes crazy," Max said.

"You're probably right," Sean said.

"I am," Max said. "Can you imagine how Clea would react if I were to ask her to have sex ten times a day?"

"No," Sean answered.

"Actually, now that I think about it -- she might go for that idea," Max said. At least it was a lot more likely that Clea would go for it than Suzie.

"Maybe I ought to just start with the idea of having sex ten times a day and hold off on the harem idea for a bit," Sean said exhibiting the first bit of common sense in the entire conversation.

"That would probably be safer," Max said.

-------

"Ten times a day?" Suzie asked wanting to make sure that she had the details correct. She wasn't about to kill Sean without being sure of why she was killing him.

"That's right," Sean said nodding his head.

"You're supposed to have sex ten times a day," Suzie repeated. She looked around the area for something to throw at him. It was beginning to sound to her like he was taking their relationship for granted.

"Max said I'm supposed to be engaging in sex ten times a day. I guess that is morning, noon, and night. Well, really it would have to be three times in the morning, three times at noon, three times at night, and an extra one added somewhere during the day."

Sarcastically, Suzie suggested, "Maybe that extra time should be in the afternoon."

"That would be perfect," Sean said. She was accepting this proposal a whole lot better than he had anticipated. Maybe making it at the picnic table at the Dairy King had been a smart move on his part.

"Max told you that you were supposed to have sex ten times a day?" Suzie asked. She wanted to make sure that the she had the source of this idea correct. It was going to complicate Sean's murder to have to kill the two of them rather than just him.

"Yes, he did," Sean answered. This was going a lot better than he thought it would.

"I might get sore doing it that often," Suzie said sweetly. It was a whole lot easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar. She was sure that there was more to this idea than Sean had told her.

"Hmm, I wonder if that is why I'm supposed to have a harem." Sean said rubbing the back of his head. The frequency of doing it ten times a day seemed to fit well with the concept of a harem. He wondered how many women constituted a harem.

"A harem?" Suzie asked. Her sweet smile had disappeared simultaneously with hearing the word 'harem.'

Sean wondered why it was suddenly so cold. It seemed like the temperature had dropped a good twenty degrees. He looked up at the sky wondering if a cold front was moving into the area. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. Sean answered, "Yes."

"Max said that you were supposed to have a harem," Suzie repeated just to make sure that she understood from whence these ideas were coming. She didn't want to go to jail for murdering the wrong person. As far as she was concerned, Max shouldn't be putting those kinds of ideas in Sean's head.

"Yes he did. He researched it on the web and said that all young men in my position had a harem and engaged in sex ten times a day," Sean said.

"What position is that?" Suzie asked.

Sean thought he had already explained that. He answered, "Having magic powers."

"I see," Suzie said.

"Max thoroughly researched it. He even had a sheet of paper that outlined exactly what a young man with magic powers does."

"When were you going to bring up the harem?" Suzie asked.

"I figured that I would suggest it about the time when you got tired of having sex ten times a day," Sean answered. Once the words were out of his mouth, he realized that they didn't sound all that good.

Suzie looked at Sean for a full minute thinking that Clea should know about the kinds of things that Max was telling Sean. She was pretty sure that Clea would find it very interesting. She asked, "What else did Max tell you?"

Sean answered, "That I'm supposed to build buildings overnight, get rich, rule the world, and fight bad guys."

"Where did he do all his research?" Suzie asked.

"On the web," Sean answered. He added, "You know that if it is on the web that it has to be true."

Pretty sure that she knew that answer to her question, Suzie asked, "Was that the website for horny boys with too much time and lubricant on their hands?"

"They have one like that?" Sean asked. He thought that might make an interesting search term.

Rolling her eyes, Suzie answered, "They have millions of them."

"I'll have to check it out," Sean said. About the time that the words were out of his mouth, he realized that he probably shouldn't have said them aloud. He also realized that it was long past time he started backpedaling.

"That's not a good idea," Suzie said.

"You're right. That is a horrible idea," Sean said agreeably. The expression on Suzie's face reminded him of the expression on her mother's face when she threatened him with a trip to the vet.

"I'm glad that you agree with me," Suzie said. She sighed and added, "I guess if the research is so good that we'll just have to do it."

"Really?"

Suzie looked thoughtful for a minute and then said, "I think I'll discuss this with my mother. I'm pretty sure that she'll have a suggestion on how we can go about having sex ten times a day and finding women for your harem."

"Uh," Sean said with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"What's the matter? You're looking pale," Suzie said.

Getting worried, he said, "Maybe you shouldn't mention this to your mother."

"Why not?" Suzie asked as if telling her mother that her boyfriend wanted to have sex ten times a day was an everyday kind of event.

"She will send me to the vet," Sean answered.

"That's not a bad idea," Suzie said with a smile.

Worried by the sudden return of her smile, Sean asked, "Why do you say that?"

"If you go to the vet then you won't want to have sex ten times a day and there would be no need for a harem," Suzie said.

"I don't like that idea," Sean said crossing his legs and covering his crotch with his hands.

"I think it is a marvelous idea," Suzie said.

"Let's just forget that I ever mentioned the whole thing," Sean said thinking it was suddenly getting pretty hot.

"Are you sure?" Suzie asked sweetly.

"I'm quite sure. It wasn't even my idea. It was Max's idea and I never really thought it was a good one," Sean said.

"If you're sure..."

"I'm sure," Sean said thinking that he had dodged a bullet.

Suzie was quiet for a few seconds and then asked, "Why would you bring up the topic of having sex ten times a day without mentioning the getting rich part?"

Sean was about to answer that having sex ten times a day was a whole lot more interesting than getting rich when he reconsidered his answer. After trying to come up with a good answer and not finding one, he said, "I think I need to be getting back to work. There are French Fries to torture and onion rings to execute."

"Not until I'm done with you," Suzie said with a smile.

-------

Sunday morning, Sean slipped into the classroom and went over to his biology experiment carrying a bag with food for the lobsters. Once there, he looked in the habitat to see how his lobsters were doing. Not quite believing his eyes, he stepped back and scratched his head. Thinking that he might see something a little different upon giving it a second try, he stepped forward and looked into the habitat again. He had the same result. Frowning, he said, "They must have escaped."



-------

Chapter 58


Sean drove down the road to the mall feeling a little grumpy. His weekend was not going according to plan. Saturday night was supposed to have been date night, but the date had ended up being an inquisition filled with trick questions. He made a mental note never to bring up the idea of a harem ever again. Needless to say, there had been no sex. He had not slept well that night.

His mother had been in rare form earlier that morning. She had dragged him out of bed two hours before sunrise. He was not a morning person under the best of circumstances and the lack of sleep had made it even worse. His mother had noticed the tensions between Suzie and him. She had grilled him over breakfast trying to discover what he had done wrong. Like any woman she had naturally assumed it was the man's fault and was determined to pry the information from him. After getting the truth from him, she had declared that it was his fault and that he should make amends.

On top of everything else that had gone wrong, he had stopped by the school to feed his lobsters only to discover that the habitat was empty. He had no idea how they could have managed to escape. He had spent an hour looking for the lobsters but there had been no trace of them anywhere in the school. He muttered, "Someone must have taken them. Lobsters just don't walk off all by themselves."

Sean headed towards the mall after deciding that his mother's advice to purchase an apology present was probably a good idea. Unable to decide what would make an appropriate present, he said, "I guess I'll just have to look around until something strikes me."

Something odd grabbed his attention when he approached the mall. A sign which advertised that the mall was only five miles ahead had a rocket car stuck through it. Like any normal driver, he slowed down to investigate. He came to a stop in front of the sign and got out of the truck. Walking over to the rocket car, he recognized the rather massive man seated atop the rocket car. Sean said, "Hello Chief Fastman. How are you doing today?"

"It could be a little better," Chief Fastman answered balancing precariously in his seat. He had managed to climb out of the driver's seat and onto the body of the car. The car was at least ten feet off the ground. He didn't think it would be too healthy for a person his size to fall that distance.

"I know the feeling," Sean said. "I'm having one of those kinds of days myself."

"It happens to the best of us," Chief Fastman said.

"How does the car handle?"

"It is a little faster than I'm used to," Chief Fastman answered. He looked down at the ground and said, "It tends to leave the ground when I hit a bump."

"I tried to warn the Dwarves that might happen," Sean said looking up at the policeman.

"It goes fast. I might even hazard a guess that it goes a little too fast," Chief Fastman said. It seemed to him that it had two speeds — sitting still and airborne.

Sean asked, "How fast does it go?"

"I probably hit about five hundred miles per hour before launch. It is hard to tell since there isn't really a speedometer in it," Chief Fastman answered. There were some who believed that he had a reputation for exaggeration.

"That is fast," Sean said.

Chief Fastman sat there for a few seconds and then said, "I think I'll go back to riding the bike."

"That might be a good idea," Sean said. Chief Fastman had to have lost forty pounds while peddling the bicycle around the area. In a couple more years, there was a chance that he would actually be thin.

"It'll be hard catching speeders. Of course, I haven't had much luck catching speeders in this thing either," Chief Fastman said.

"Why not?"

"I keep ending up in billboards," Chief Fastman answered pointing to the front of the car.

"That would tend to put a damper on the old ticket writing routine," Sean said trying to sound wise. He looked down the road and noticed that there were a couple of billboards with holes in them.

"Yeah. I see a speeder and get too excited. I just can't help it; I floor it. The next thing I know is that I've passed the speeder and then I'm airborne," Chief Fastman said.

"Zero to a hundred in four seconds?" Sean asked.

"It is closer to three," Chief Fastman said.

"Three seconds?" Sean asked.

"No. Three hundred miles per hour," Chief Fastman answered.

"That is fast," Sean said. "Speaking from experience, I can say that the Dwarves do like fast cars."

"Do you know what really makes me mad?" Chief Fastman asked.

"No."

"I hate it when the speeder drives past while pointing and laughing at me when I'm stuck in the sign," Chief Fastman said.

"I can imagine how it must make you feel," Sean said.

"Yeah," Chief Fastman said. He sat there looking down at Sean while Sean looked up at him. Neither one could think of much else to say. Finally, Chief Fastman asked, "You wouldn't happen to be able to help me down from here?"

"Oh, sorry about that. I should have offered to help out," Sean said. He looked down at his pants trying to remember where he had put his gloves. His pants were covered with pockets containing twelve pounds of miscellaneous items for use in emergencies like this. It was only the sixth pocket before he found a pair of gloves.

It took Sean a couple of minutes to get Chief Fastman off the car and the car lowered down to the ground. While walking around to inspect the car, Chief Fastman said, "You're a handy person to have around."

"Thank you," Sean said. He used his magic to bring the gloves back. He tucked them into his back pocket.

Chief Fastman said, "I guess I better get back to patrolling the community. There are lots of crooks out there just begging to be caught."

"I didn't realize this was a hotbed of crime," Sean said perking up. He figured this might be the start of his new career as a crime fighter.

"It is. There are speeders galore; not to mention folks that make turns without using their turn signals," Chief Fastman said. He would complain, but it did represent job security.

"Sounds dangerous," Sean said. There wasn't anything here that required magic to set right.

"Very," Chief Fastman said.

Sean watched Chief Fastman get into his missile shaped car. The wheels spun when the chief pressed the accelerator. Sean got back into his truck and drove to the next billboard. Parking, he got out and walked over to the billboard. Looking up, he said, "Hello Chief."

"Hello, Sean. It has been a long time since I've seen you," Chief Fastman said. He wasn't very good at small talk.

"At least three minutes," Sean said. "Do you need some help, Chief?"

"If you wouldn't mind," Chief Fastman answered. He looked through the window at the ground below. He wasn't looking forward to trying to get out of the car.

"Just stay inside while I lower the car to the ground," Sean said while rummaging through his pockets for his gloves. It took him a minute to remember that he had put them in his back pocket.

"I think I will," Chief Fastman said. "If there's ever anything I can do for you, let me know."

"You could help me with a problem I've got with my lobsters," Sean said while the gloves lowered the car to the ground.

"What kind of problem?" Chief Fastman asked. He climbed out of the car and pulled out his little notepad.

"I think someone is stealing my lobsters and replacing them with others," Sean answered.

"That sounds like a serious crime," Chief Fastman said. He was thoughtful for a moment and then asked, "Is there anything special about these lobsters of yours?"

"Yes," Sean answered.

"What?"

"They are my science project," Sean answered.

"Ah, scientific lobsters," Chief Fastman said. "That makes it an even more serious matter."

"That's right," Sean answered.

"At least they aren't eating lobsters. That wouldn't be such a serious matter at all," Chief Fastman said. "I mean — what kind of a crime is it to eat food?"

"Uh, right," Sean said.

With his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth, Chief Fastman made some notes in his little notepad. Looking up, he asked, "Where is this criminal activity taking place?"

"At my high school," Sean answered.

"That's out of my jurisdiction, but I'll talk to my brother," Chief Fastman said. He folded up his notepad and put it back in his pocket.

"I'd appreciate it," Sean said.

Chief Fastman said, "I can't make any promises. My brother isn't as good of a criminal investigator as I am. I was the first of us to get a magnifying glass when we were kids."

"That's interesting," Sean said.

Leaning against his car, Chief Fastman polished his fingernails against his chest. Looking over at Sean, he said, "Yes. I'm the real investigator in our family. I remember when I was eight someone stole my mother's reading glasses."

"That is a major crime," Sean said doubtfully. He looked around wondering how he was going to get out of there.

"We never caught the culprit, but I did recover her glasses," Chief Fastman said.

"Where were they?" Sean said.

Chief Fastman answered, "Someone had hidden them on a chain around her neck."

"Huh?" Sean asked. It didn't sound to him like a crime had occurred.

"We call that hiding the stash in plain sight. Only the really nasty crooks do things like that," Chief Fastman said.

"I've never heard of that strategy," Sean said.

"Shirley Holmes described it in her famous story the Perfumed Letter," Chief Fastman pontificated.

"Don't you mean Purloined Letter by Sir Author Conon Doyle?" Sean asked.

"No. I'm pretty sure it was the perfumed letter by Shirley Holmes," Chief Fastman answered. "I read all of the great detective authors: Shirley Holmes, Agate Christie, Sue Grafted, and Hillary Queen."

"You mean Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie, Sue Grafton, and Ellery Queen?" Sean asked.

"You must not be going to the same library as me," Chief Fastman said.

"I guess," Sean said.

Chief Fastman shook his head and said, "The education system is really getting bad."

"I wouldn't say that," Sean said.

Chief Fastman said, "Well, I guess I better head on back to the station."

"I guess I better head to the mall," Sean said.

"What are you going to do there?"

Sean said, "I'm buying a present for my girlfriend. She's a little upset with me."

"If you wouldn't mind a little advice -- don't buy her a weed whacker. I learned that one the hard way," Chief Fastman said. He rubbed the back of his head feeling the ever present bump. He said, "Who knew that the little lady could wield a cast iron frying pan like a fly swatter?"

"What would you suggest?" Sean asked.

"You might try a lawnmower," Chief Fastman answered.

"Good idea," Sean said scratching that off his list of potential items. He watched Chief Fastman get in his car.

"Take it easy," Chief Fastman said while waving at Sean through the window of the car.

"Be careful with the..." Sean said watching Chief Fastman launch the car into the next billboard. He said, "Oh well. The mall is only a couple of miles away. I should reach it before it closes."

Sean parked his truck next to the billboard and climbed out of it. He looked up at Chief Fastman and said, "Hello."

"Ah, we are going to have to stop meeting this way," Chief Fastman said looking down at Sean.

"That might be a good idea," Sean said.

Chief Fastman pointed at the sign and said, "I'm thinking that we might want to outlaw these signs. They are a traffic hazard."

"Most people seem to be able to avoid them," Sean said.

"Would you mind helping me down from here?" Chief Fastman asked.

Reaching in his back pocket, Sean pulled out his gloves. He sent them over to the missile car and pulled it from the sign. He gave a second command that had the gloves lower the car to the ground. With a separate command, the gloves returned to his pocket. Sean glanced over to his right and noticed the stone pillar beside him. He leaned against it and said, "I'm getting pretty good at this."

Looking pale, Chief Fastman got out of the car and stepped around it so that it was between him and Sean. He asked, "What's that?"

Sean looked over to his right and noticed that the stone pillar looked a lot like a very large leg. He stepped back and noticed that there was a rest of a person above the leg. The head was a long way up there. He answered, "I don't know. Maybe we should ask."

"That might be a good idea," Chief Fastman said while fumbling with his holster. This was one of those times when he really disliked the fact that his wife used superglue to fix the strap on his holster. She still hadn't forgiven him for shooting the television when the last election results had been announced.

Sean looked up at the huge man standing beside him and asked, "Who and what are you?"

"Who and what are you?" asked the huge man made of stone.

"I'm Sean and I'm a human."

"I'm Rock and I'm a Giant."

"Nice to meet you, Rock," Sean said.

Rock said, "It is nice to meet you, Sean."

"The gentleman over there by the car is Chief Fastman," Sean said.

"Hello Chief Fastman."

"Hello, Rock," Chief Fastman said not quite sure that he was all that happy about having a giant move into his town. On second thought, he decided that he wasn't happy about having a giant move into his town. His third thought was in the same vein.

Ignoring the unhappy expression on Chief Fastman's face, Rock bent over and sniffed the car. Looking over at Chief Fastman, he said, "That smells like it was made by Dwarves."

"The Dwarves made it," Chief Fastman said.

"You are friends with Dwarves?" Rock asked.

"What's the matter? Don't you like Dwarves?" Sean asked.

"Most Dwarves are okay, but there's one who is totally vile. He preys upon innocent women and defiles them with his greasy body," Rock answered. He raised a fist to the sky and shook it. He growled, "I will catch him one day and he will pay for his sins."

"Who?" Sean asked. He didn't want a Dwarf like that hanging around his house.

"Chom is the name of that depraved Dwarf," Rock said with a growl that sounded a lot like an earthquake.

"What did he do?" Sean asked curious about what Chom could have done to deserve that kind of reputation.

"My wife still had nightmares about it. It was so horrible I don't want to talk about it," Rock said. He looked at the car and asked, "Why did the Dwarves make that for you?"

Chief Fastman answered, "They agreed to replace a car destroyed by Stomp."

"Stomp is here?" Rock said standing up and looking around excitedly.

"Yes. He's over at the mall," Chief Fastman answered pointing in the direction of the mall.

"I like Stomp. He's fun to wrestle," Rock said with a grin. His grin showed off a row of perfectly large stone teeth.

Sean said, "That's great. Ever since the police gave up trying to arrest him, Stomp has been looking for someone with whom he can wrestle."

"You are friends with Stomp?" Rock asked surprised. A lot of people didn't like toll trolls. It was his experience that most people didn't appreciate paying tolls or getting thrown off bridges.

"He and I occasionally play pirates," Sean answered. He wished that he could take a few minutes to play with Stomp, but he had to get a present for Suzy.

Grinning broadly, Rock said, "That sounds like fun."

"No it doesn't," Chief Fastman interjected. He wished the mayor had taken his advice and made it illegal to play pirates using small trees for swords. He muttered, "The last thing I need is another power outage at the mall."

Sean said, "I better head over to the mall before the stores close. I still have to buy my girlfriend a present."

"I better head out also," Chief Fastman said getting back into his car. Just before closing the door, he said, "Remember, get her a lawnmower."

"Lawnmower? Why would you give a girl a goat as a present? I always get my wife a nice sack of coal," Rock said.

"Goat?" Chief Fastman said scratching his chin thoughtfully. "That's not a bad idea. I'll have to keep that in mind for the next time I get the little lady upset with me."

"I'll think about it," Sean said. He could imagine how Suzy would react to a goat or a sack of coal and it wouldn't be pretty.

Chief Fastman said, "I better head on back to the office."

Sean watched Chief Fastman maneuver his car onto the road with his wheels spinning. Watching the car's unstable progress down the street, Sean said, "I'll never make it to the mall at this rate."

When the car hit a bump, it launched into the air. Rock said, "I'll get the fat man and his chariot down."

"Thanks," Sean said relieved that he could head straight to the mall.

"Goodbye, Sean," Rock said taking the most direct path towards the sign down the street. It looked like he was moving in slow motion, but his size was misleading.

"Goodbye, Rock," Sean said. He watched Rock walk through the billboard leaving a stack of kindling in his wake. He said, "I've got a feeling the insurance rates in this area are going to rise."



-------

Chapter 59


Sean pulled into the parking lot of the mall and drove around looking for a place to park. The mall parking lot was packed with cars. He finally found parking spot a distance away from the mall proper. Surprised to see the crowd on a Sunday afternoon, he said, "There must be a sale today."

He got out of his truck and headed towards the mall. While on his way to the main entrance, he noticed a teenage boy flying through the air. He detoured to investigate what was happening. On his way, he noticed a little path marked by a sign that read, 'Troll Toll Bridge Ahead.' He paused to examine the sign and then commented, "I see they've set up a home for Stomp. I wonder how he's doing. I bet he's real happy to have a home at last."

There was a loud yell and another teenage boy flew through the air. Concerned, Sean said, "This doesn't look good. I better visit Stomp and make sure that he isn't getting in trouble."

Sean walked along the path to the Troll Toll Bridge. There was quite a line of people waiting to cross the little bridge. He stood in line while it slowly progressed. Occasionally he would hear a scream and see a kid go flying through the air. He examined the sign beside the path, "Toll Ahead — One Coin."

"That isn't very specific," Sean said upon reading the sign.

"Don't worry about it, he'll take any coin," the woman in front of him said. She calmly ignored the fact that another kid flew through the air while she was talking.

Gesturing towards the sky, Sean asked, "What's going on?"

"Some of the kids try to get around the troll without paying. The troll throws them into the pond," the woman said calmly. She watched another kid fly through the air. The kid did a flip at top of his flight. She said, "That's my son."

"He's got good form when flying through the air," Sean commented.

"Harry gets lots of practice," the woman said.

"He comes here often?" Sean asked.

"Every day," the woman answered. "That troll is the cheapest afterschool program in the area."

"You don't say," Sean said. He noticed a soaking wet kid get in line behind him. Turning to talk to the kid, he asked, "What's up?"

"Stomp is in good form today. I bet I went a hundred yards on that last throw," the kid said with a broad grin.

"That's nice," Sean said.

"Did you see Harry?" the kid asked.

"Is he the one who did the flip?" Sean asked.

"That's him," the kid said.

"I saw him," Sean said.

"He's real good. I can't get that flip down right," the kid said.

"Practice makes perfect," Sean said.

"The line today is long," the kid said. "I'll probably only get through it four or five times today. Maybe I'll get that flip right today."

"I noticed the line was kind of long," Sean said.

The kid frowned and said, "It wouldn't be so bad, but those squatty guys with beards keep cutting in line."

"Squatty guys with beards?" Sean asked. That sounded a lot like a Dwarf.

"Hi Sean," Chom said stepping into line in front of him.

"Hi Chom," Sean said. "You're wet."

"I took a dip in the pond," Chom said.

Pip arrived and got into line behind Chom. He looked back at Sean and said, "Hello, Sean."

"Hey, quit cutting in line," the kid behind Sean said.

"You're wet," Sean said.

"I took a dip in the pond," Pip said.

"What are you doing here?" Sean asked.

"We delivered the car to the police," Pip said.

"That was earlier this week. Why didn't you go back home?" Sean asked.

"Stomach ache," Chom answered. He belched long and loud.

"Stomach ache?" Sean asked.

"Too much soda," Pip said.

"That's right. You got paid a hundred bottles of soda," Sean said. He wondered where they had the soda hidden.

At the reminder of how much they had gotten paid, Chom said, "Liam made a real bad deal."

"That's right. We worked all week on the car and the soda didn't even last an afternoon," Pip said. He belched and said, "Next time we ask for a thousand sodas."

The line took a step forward. Stomp said, "Pay Toll."

"I brought you some cookies," the woman said holding out a bag.

"Love cookies," Stomp said taking the bag from the woman. He swallowed the cookies, bag and all.

Dropping a coin in the troll can, she said, "You're the answer to a single mom's dreams."

"Love cookies," Stomp said stepping aside so that the woman could walk past. He turned to face Chom and said, "Pay toll."

"No," Chom said trying to step around Stomp.

"Pay Toll," Stomp said picking up Chom and putting him down in front of him.

"No," Chom said trying to duck between Chom's legs.

"You fly," Stomp said grabbing Chom by an arm and a leg.

"Okay," Chom said.

Stomp tossed him into the pond. Pip looked over at Sean and rubbed his hands together. Excited, he said, "My turn."

A few seconds later, Pip was flying through the air. Sean watched him tuck into a ball before he hit the water. Looking over at Stomp, he said, "That was a good splash."

"Splash good," Stomp agreed grinning broadly. His crooked teeth looked greener than usual.

"Hi Stomp."

"Hi Sean."

"How are you doing?" Sean asked.

"Stomp happy," Stomp said. "Good home."

The kid behind Sean said, "Hey, quit holding up the line."

Sean stepped aside and said, "Go ahead."

Looking down at the kid, Stomp said, "Pay toll."

"No," the kid said trying to sneak around Stomp.

Stomp grabbed the kid and set him down in front of him. He said, "Pay toll."

"No," the kid said trying to duck between Stomp's legs.

"Go fly," Stomp said picking up the kid.

"Okay," the kid said just before Stomp tossed him into the pond. He almost completed his flip before hitting the water. His entry into the water was spectacular in terms of the splash he created.

"Must hurt," Stomp said cringing.

"He'll get better," Sean said wondering how many belly flops the kid would experience before getting the flip down.

"Kids play," Stomp said nodding his head.

"It looks like fun," Sean said.

"Pay toll," Stomp said.

"Okay," Sean said dropping a penny into the toll jar.

"No fly," Stomp asked with a look of disappointment on his face.

"I've got to buy a present for Suzie," Sean said.

"Get club," Stomp said.

"A club?" Sean asked.

"Good present," Stomp said rubbing his head. He was pretty sure that a girl liked a present when she uses it right after she receives it.

Sean said, "I'll think about it. By the way, I ran into Rock."

"Rock here?" Stomp asked. His grin was so large that all of his teeth were visible. It was a truly gruesome sight.

"Yes," Sean answered.

"Wrestle good!" Stomp said jumping from one foot to the other excitedly. He was finally going to have someone who could wrestle with him.

"He said that he was looking forward to wrestling you," Sean said.

"Good fun!"

"Who wrestles good?" Chom asked while trying to nudge Sean aside.

"Rock," Sean answered wondering how Chom was going to react to the news. He had a feeling that Chom would disappear for a while.

"Rock is here?" Chom asked. His voice squeaked when asking the question.

Grinning, Pip said, "It sure sounded like Sean suggested that if you were to ask me."

"I'm not asking you," Chom said.

Realizing that there was a long line of people behind him and that Chom had just been tossed by Stomp, Sean asked, "Did you cut in line?"

"Uh, don't you remember that I was behind you?" Chom asked innocently.

"You were in front of me," Sean said.

Chom said, "Then maybe you cut in line."

"No I didn't," Sean said.

"Yes you did. You must have if we were in front of you and now you're in front of us," Pip said. Chom was nodding his head in agreement.

"Besides, you shouldn't avoid answering my question by changing the subject," Chom said stepping in front of Sean.

"What question?" Sean asked.

"Is Rock here?" Chom asked.

"Oh, that question. I wasn't sure which question you were referring to," Sean said.

Chom looked at Sean for a second waiting for an answer. Losing patience, he asked, "So is Rock here?"

"Yes," Sean answered.

"Oh my! I just remembered that my sister in Timbuktu is ill. I need to leave," Chom said edging away.

"I'm sure there's no need for you to go to Timbuktu," Pip said. He gave Chom a friendly little shove.

"She's very ill," Chom said. He put a hand over his heart and stared down at the ground looking very serious. He said, "She might not make it."

"You don't have a sister," Pip said pointing out an obvious flaw in Chom's statement.

Frowning at Pip, Chom said, "There's no reason to let facts get in the way of an excuse to leave."

"I'm sure that Rock has forgiven you," Pip said with a smirk.

"What did you do?" Sean asked.

Grinning, Pip answered, "He took a nap inside Rock's wife."

"Huh?" Sean asked. He wondered how one took a nap inside someone else.

"It was raining and I thought it was a cave," Chom said.

Stomp shook his head and said, "Stupid Dwarf."

"You thought what was a cave?" Sean asked.

Pip said, "Do we need to draw you a picture?"

"Yes."

"He mistook her vagina for a cave," Pip said.

"Oh," Sean said. He could see why Rock would be a little perturbed with Chom. He said, "I bet Rock was angry."

"Lava came shooting out his ears," Pip said.

Chom said, "Hey, it was raining."

Pointing towards the parking lot, Stomp said, "Rock comes."

"Bye," Chom said just before disappearing.

"That was a quick exit," Sean said.

"He's good at those," Pip said.

"Well, I better get a present for Suzy."

Pip said, "Get her a hammer. Women love it when you give them hammers."

"A hammer?" Sean asked. There was a loud sound. He looked in the direction from which the sound had originated and saw that Rock had just walked through the electric wires running to the mall. He sighed and said, "There goes the power to the mall. I'll never get Suzy a present at this rate."



-------

Chapter 60


The trip to the mall had been a disaster. He had not found anything that would serve as a appropriate present to apologize to Suzie. She wasn't exactly the type of woman who would appreciate an axe, a hammer, a chainsaw, or a lawnmower as a present. After seeing the power go out at the mall, he had come to the brilliant conclusion that only flowers and a poem could save his relationship with Suzie.

Sean stopped by the convenience store on the way home. On entering the store, he was presented with a vision of a woman's butt. She was bent over to straighten the magazines on the bottom shelf.

"Flower Lady! I thought you would be here. I'd recognize that ass from a mile away."

She looked at him over her shoulder. Her mouth was turned down in an irritated frown. She said, "I know that I have the most famous derriere in the county, but you don't have to talk about it."

"It is indeed a famous derriere," Sean said.

"What do you want?" the woman asked while straightening up.

"I need flowers."

The flower lady said, "What did you do?"

"I tried to talk my girlfriend into letting me have a harem," Sean answered.

"That was stupid."

"I guess it was," Sean said.

The flower lady said, "You're going to have to get roses at a minimum. You might even need two dozen roses."

"I'm going to include a poem," Sean said. "Women love poetry."

"Which poem?" the flower lady asked.

"I'm writing it as soon as I get home," Sean said.

The flower lady said, "You might need three dozen roses."

"I'm great poet," Sean said.

"Let me guess ... it is going to start with ... Roses are red."

"How did you know?" Sean asked looking at her in amazement.

"It was a lucky guess. You might need four dozen roses."

"I'll just take a bunch of those yellow flowers," Sean said pointing at a bouquet with daisies. He asked, "Do they come in blue?"

"No, they're daisies. While daisies come in many different colors, blue is not one of them. The only daisies I grow are yellow," the flower woman said shaking her head.

"So that's a daisy."

"Yes."

Sean pointed to a bucket of roses and said, "Roses are red, but you've got white and yellow ones there. Why can't yellow flowers be blue?"

"It's complicated," the flower woman said.

"I'll take a bunch of those daisies," Sean said while pointing at the bucket.

An hour later, Sean was at his computer starting on his current project — an apology poem. He grinned at the screen while he said, "Watch what happens when the apologetic power of flowers combines with the seductive powers of poetry."

Lily walked past the door just in time to hear Sean laugh manically. She looked in to see him hunched over his keyboard rubbing his hands together excitedly.

She shook her head and said, "He's going to do something stupid. I better warn Suzie."

Sean typed for a minute and then read the line aloud, "Roses are red."

He stared at the screen for five minutes and then said, "Roses aren't always red. Sometimes they are white, yellow, pink, or carmine. I'm going for honesty here so I better not start the poem with a lie."

He stared at the screen for another minute. Finally, he said, "Maybe I should use a footnote to explain that I'm taking poetic license rather than going for absolute fact."

After typing two pages of text to explain the various colors in which roses were found, he said, "That won't work. I've never seen a poem with footnotes. This is harder than I thought."

An hour later he read what he had on the screen, "Roses are rose colored, violets are white, blue, purple and even yellow, the harem idea was stupid, these flowers were bought for you by a very sorry fellow."

"That is a masterpiece worthy of Willy Shakespeare," he said with a smile. "She's going to love it despite the fact that it doesn't exactly rhyme."

Sean got out of his chair and started doing his little victory dance. It was reminiscent of drunken man attempting to perform the chicken dance.

His mother stuck her head in the room. She said, "Chief Fastman is here to see you."

"I wonder what he wants," Sean said stopping his victory dance.

"I don't know. Maybe you should ask him," his mother answered.

"Do you think he'll tell me?" Sean asked.

His mother answered, "I'm sure that he will. He came all this way just to talk to you."

"If you're so sure then maybe I should talk to him," Sean said

"That would be a good idea," his mother said.

Lily bounded into his room and asked, "Are we going to jail?"

"I hope not," Sean said.

His mother said, "You might end up in jail. I'm sure that there are laws against dancing like that."

"Can I go with you?" Lily asked.

"My victory dance is not against the law," Sean said.

"It should be," him mother said, "Watching that nearly made me sick to my stomach."

Sean headed out to the living room followed by his mother and Lily. Lily bounced along repeatedly saying, "We're going to jail!"

On reaching the living room, he said, "What can I do for you Chief Fastman?"

"My brother said that you mentioned something about a theft of scientific lobsters," Chief Fastman said.

"That's right," Sean said.

"Tell me about it," Chief Fastman said.

"Someone has been stealing my lobsters and replacing them with others," Sean said. He had stopped by the school after returning from the mall and two new lobsters had been in the habitat.

"Is there anything special about your lobsters?"

Sean said, "They are my science project."

"I guess that makes them scientific lobsters," Chief Fastman said making a note in his notepad. "Where is this crime taking place?"

"At the school," Sean answered.

"Which one?" Chief Fastman asked.

"The high school," Sean answered.

Chief Fastman wrote down the information in his notepad. He looked up and said, "I'll get to investigating it right away."

"Good," Sean said.

Chief Fastman said, "You're lucky that I'm the one doing the investigation. None of my brothers are any good at that."

"Your brother said that he solved a major case involving your mother's reading glasses," Sean said.

"He's still boasting about that?" Chief Fastman asked shaking his head. "We'll never live that down. He had just finished reading the Perfect Letter by Doc Watson."

"You mean the Purloined Letter by Sir Author Conon Doyle, don't you?" Sean asked.

"I'm pretty sure it was the Perfect Letter by Doc Watson," Chief Fastman said with a frown. He wasn't quite sure that he remembered it correctly, but he wasn't going to let them know that.

Lily rolled her eyes and said, "It was the Purloined Letter by Edgar Allen Poe."

"Are you sure?" Chief Fastman asked feeling pretty stupid to have gotten that wrong.

Picking up the book she had been reading, Lily said, "It is right here."

"It doesn't matter who wrote it," Chief Fastman said. He scratched his cheek for a second and then added, "I've read all of the classic mysteries that matter: the Hardly Boys, Tom Stiff, and Nancy Crew."

"You mean, the Hardy Boys, Tom Swift, and Nancy Drew?" Sean asked.

"You must go to a different library than me," Chief Fastman said.

"I guess," Sean said.

Looking at the policeman hopefully, Lily asked, "Are you going to take us to jail?"

"No," Chief Fastman answered.

"Drat," Lily said. She went over to a chair and sat down with a pout. "What am I going to have to do to go to jail?"

Sean whispered to his mother, "You are going to have to have a long talk with Lily. I fear that she is going to become a cheerleader with criminal tendencies."

"There are worse things," his mother replied.

"Like what?" Sean asked.

"She could start dating Liam," his mother said. She thought about it for a second and then said, "I have an idea!"

"Oh no," Sean said rubbing his forehead.

After writing furiously in his notepad for a minute, Chief Fastman had an almost accurate record of the entire conversation. Chief Fastman said, "I better head home and start researching how to pursue this investigation."

"Research?" Sean asked wondering what kind of research was required. He figured that Chief Fastman would install a video camera to record activities around his lobster habitat. "What kind of research do you need to catch a lobster thief?"

"I think I'll need to reread the whole Hardly Boys adventures," Chief Fastman said.

Frowning, Sean asked, "How long will that take?"

"I should be done reading in a couple of months," Chief Fastman answered. He walked to the front door mumbling, "If I don't find a way to catch the villain in one of those stories, I'll just have to read the Tom Shift stories. I just wish I was better at inventing stuff. Of course, I never did figure out the link between inventing and investigating crime..."

"I'm going to graduate college before he finds who is switching lobsters on me," Sean said shaking his head.

"I wouldn't say that. These things take time," Chief Fastman said. He opened the door and said, "Don't worry about a thing. You've got the best detective in the state working on the case now."

"I'm glad to hear that," Sean said.

Sean went over to the book that Lily had held up. He picked it up and said, "You know, I've never read the Purloined Letter. I wonder if it is available online."

"Why read it online?" Lily asked.

"Where else would I get a copy?" Sean asked.

"How about in the book you're holding?" Lily asked.

"I must be hanging around with the Dwarves too much," Sean said.

Giving up, Lily turned to her mother and asked, "What's for supper?"

"Lobster bisque," Sean's mother answered.

"Huh?"



-------

Chapter 61


Sean and Suzie were seated at the table behind her house. Suzie was reading the nicely printed out poem while Sean was watching pensively, awaiting her verdict of his poetic masterpiece. Suzie was doing her best not to laugh.

Finally, Sean could not hold back a moment more and asked, "Is that not the greatest poem you've ever read?"

"It almost rhymes," Suzie said finding it hard to talk. Every time that she opened her mouth, a laugh threatened to burst forth.

This had been the worst poem she had ever read. She bit down on a knuckle to keep from cracking up. She was lucky that Lily and Sean's mother had called to warn her that he was coming over with a poetry masterpiece. It was hard to believe that it was so bad.

"I was going to footnote the inaccurate descriptions of the flowers, but... ," Sean said. He shrugged his shoulders as if he was unsure about the rightness of his decision.

Suzie said, "There was no need for footnotes. The poem was completely understandable without them."

"Are you sure? I can always go back and add them," Sean said.

In his opinion, she didn't seem all that enthused about this poem. She sure didn't react in such a lukewarm manner to Elizabeth Barrett Browning. She had gone wild listening to that poetry. Of course, so did his parents and observing that hadn't been much fun. He shivered at the memory of hearing their moans.

"I'm quite sure," Suzie said.

Sean said, "Maybe it comes across better if I read it to you."

"Please don't," Suzie said quickly, holding up her hands to stop him. Seeing the hurt look on his face, she said, "I doubt I would be able to control my passions."

"What's the problem with that?" Sean asked. To tell the truth, that was his goal in writing it.

"Daddy is home and he's cleaning his guns," Suzie said thinking quickly.

"We don't want to excite your father. Still..."

Thinking that a little reinforcement might be in order, Suzie said, "Mom was talking to the vet this morning. I think your name came up in the conversation."

"Perhaps it would be best if I didn't read it to you," Sean said while cupping his hands over his private parts in an attempt to protect them.

"Thank you for the lovely flowers," Suzie said deciding that it would be a good time to change the subject.

"I'm glad that you like them," Sean said. "I bought them from the flower lady."

She picked up the bouquet and smelled the flowers. She said, "I like daisies."

"I tried to get them in blue," Sean said.

Surprised, Suzie asked, "Why would you try to get blue daisies?"

"I have recently discovered that flowers have suddenly started changing colors. Roses used to be red, but now they are white, yellow, blue, and orange. I thought violets were blue, but discovered there are violets that are pink, purple, white, blue, and a bunch of colors in between," Sean said.

"So?" Suzie asked.

Sean sat there thinking about how difficult it had been to write his poem. He wondered if other poets had encountered the phenomenon in which the colors attributed to various flowers weren't quite the correct colors. In fact, he was beginning to think it was kind of suspicious.

Suzie noticed that Sean was suddenly distracted. She asked, "What are you thinking?"

Sean said, "Something strange is going on."

"What?"

Sean leaned over and whispered, "Someone is messing with plants."

"What are they doing with plants?" Suzie asked.

"Someone is messing with the colors of the flowers. Before you know it, the bees won't know how to pollinate the plants. Bees will become extinct. Flowers will become extinct. Life on this planet will disappear," Sean said. "It is up to me to discover who is behind this evil plot."

"They are breeding them," Suzie said.

"They?" Sean frowned. Suspicious, he asked, "Who are 'they'?"

"I guess the flower growers," Suzie answered.

"Those fiends," Sean said. He hit the palm of his left hand with his right hand that was clenched in a fist.

"Fiends?" Suzie asked.

Sean said, "I didn't recognize that we had a diabolical plot here in our nice little town."

"What diabolical plot?" Suzie asked.

"The diabolical plot to confuse the bees and thereby end life on this planet as we know it," Sean answered.

"To do what?" Suzie asked with a frown.

Sean said, "They are going to confuse the bees so that they can't pollinate the flowers anymore. Then the bees are going to die off. Once that happens, the plants won't be able to have anymore baby plants. All of the plants will die off. Without plants, every animal will die of starvation. Once that happens, people will become extinct."

"I don't think that is the plan. People just like flowers in different colors," Suzie said.

Sean said, "The flower lady must be a part of this plot."

"I don't think so," Suzie said.

"She's subtle. She's always showing us her spectacular ass knowing that it will distract us from what she is really doing," Sean said.

Suzie crossed her arms and said, "You might want to tone down the talk about other women's asses being spectacular."

One look at Suzie and Sean knew that he was busy digging another hole for himself. Holding up his hands, he said, "She might have a spectacular ass that is known throughout the county, but it doesn't compare to yours. You've got the best ass in the state, if not the country."

"You say the nicest things," Suzie said.

"I'd kiss it all day long if I could," Sean said.

"That doesn't mean what you think it does," Suzie said.

She was about to explain how his comment sounded when there was a loud scream from the area near the path behind Suzie's house. It didn't sound like someone getting attacked. It was more like the sound of a woman getting her bottom pinched. Suzie and Sean turned to look in the direction of the woods.

Wondering what caused the scream, Suzie asked, "What was that?"

"It sounded like a scream," Sean said sitting up straighter in his chair.

A flesh colored blur ran past them and disappeared into the house. It looked a lot like his mother. She didn't appear to be wearing much.

Sean asked, "Was that my mother?"

"I think so," Suzie answered.

"What was she wearing?"

"It looked like a half bra, panties, garter belt, and stockings," Suzie answered.

"She must have lost her dress and shoes somewhere," Sean said. There was more than a little hope in his voice that she wasn't running around dressed like that on purpose.

Another scream sounded. Another blur ran past the table and disappeared into the house. Sean asked, "Was that your mother?"

"I think so," Suzie answered. "What was she wearing?"

"It looked like the same outfit my mother was wearing," Sean said.

"Why are they dressed like that?" Suzie asked.

"I don't know and I don't even want to speculate," Sean said.

Walking along with his hands behind his back, trying to look nonchalant while whistling a nondescript tune, Pip made his way over to where Sean and Suzie were seated. All of a sudden he looked surprised to see the young couple seated at the table. Holding his hands over his chest as if trying to calm his beating heart, he said, "You startled me. I didn't see you there."

"You don't say?" Sean asked skeptically.

"I do say," Pip said.

"It sure looked like you were trying to act like you didn't see us," Sean said.

"Did I say that I didn't see you?" Pip asked.

"Yes," Suzie answered.

"I meant that I didn't observe you. There's a difference," Pip said.

"What?" Sean asked.

"What what?"

"What's the difference?" Sean asked.

"I don't know," Pip said. "There is one, though."

Having watched Sean and Pip get into similar discussions, Suzie decided that it was time to put an end to it. She asked, "How are you today?"

"I'm fine. Isn't the weather loverly?" Pip asked.

"Loverly?" Sean repeated. He wasn't quite sure that he had heard him correctly.

"Yes, loverly," Pip said.

"I'm not sure that is a real word," Sean said.

Pip replied, "Sure it is. It is the perfect word for a beautiful day like today. The sky is blue, the clouds are white and puffy, and the weather is warm. It is loverly."

"We'll take your word for it," Suzie said knowing this was another discussion to cut short.

"We will?" Sean asked.

"Yes, we will," Suzie said.

Pip said, "Listen to her, Sean. She's got more sense than you."

"I still don't think that loverly is a real word," Sean said. There were times when he could be quite stubborn about things.

Suzie said, "That is an unusual coat you're wearing. It is a weird shade of green. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen that color green before."

"Do you like it?" Pip asked. He struck a pose like a male model showing off a Brooks Brother's suit.

"It is definitely a green coat," Sean said.

Suzie asked, "What motivated you to get a green coat? You almost look like a leprechaun."

"It has come to our attention that some women really go for diminutive men who wear green clothes. We're irresistible to them," Pip said. He adjusted the collar of his coat.

"I find that hard to believe," Sean said.

"Believe it," Pip said trying to look very knowledgeable about such matters.

Sean said, "I would have worn a green suit a long time ago if I had known that."

"Tis true. Women can't resist a sharp dressed man," Pip said preening a bit while he was saying it.

"I think I've heard that before. In fact, I think it is a line in a song," Sean said.

"There's a lot of truth in songs," Pip said nodding his head sagely.

"You wouldn't happen to know any good work songs, would you?" Sean asked.

"Not a one," Pip said.

"Hi ho."

Pip looked around for a second and then asked, "You wouldn't happen to know where your mother is, would you?"

"Why do you want to know?" Sean asked.

Pip looked around nervously for a moment. Finally, he said, "I heard that she was hoping to meet a couple of short men wearing green coats."

"Who told you that?" Suzie asked.

"Liam may have mentioned it to us," Pip said.

"My mother did mention something about wanting to attract a couple of leprechauns," Sean said.

Pip said, "Liam said that your mothers were looking to have a little fun with a couple of men wearing green. Well, it was obvious to me what she meant."

Sean said, "So you assumed that it meant you."

"Without a doubt. Of course, poor Chom is convinced that Liam was talking about him," Pip said.

"Where is Chom?" Sean asked.

"I'm up here," Chom said from the roof of Suzie's house.

Chom was wearing a coat that was a sickening pea green. It looked like he had taken a blue coat and dyed it yellow. That was, in fact, how it had come to be that color.

"What are you doing up there?" Sean asked. An even better question might have been to ask how he got up there.

"I'm sure that I saw them run in the house," Chom said.

"That doesn't tell me why you're up on the roof," Sean said.

"I'm just hanging around until your mothers come out," Chom said.

"Why are you waiting on the roof?" Sean asked.

Suzie answered, "He's up there because he knows they won't come out if they spot him."

"That's not true," Pip said. "Nymphs who dress like that want to be chased. That's why they dress like that."

Chom said, "I'm up here so that I can catch your mother when she comes out."

"Maybe she doesn't want to be caught," Suzie said.

"Nonsense. She ran in the house to catch her breath. She'll be out any minute now to let the chase continue," Pip said.

"I can't wait to catch her," Chom said rubbing his hands together. "She's a saucy wench."

"You're talking about my mother!" Sean said.

"Did you see the outfit she was wearing?" Chom asked.

Sean said, "No and I don't want to."

There was the sound of a gunshot from inside the house. Suzie and Sean looked at each other. Sean said, "You did say that your father was cleaning his guns, didn't you?"

"Yes," Suzie said.

"I wonder what's happening inside your house," Sean said looking at the door.

There was a long moment of silence.

Suzie asked, "Should we go in there?"

"I don't think so," Sean answered while looking over at the door. There was no way that he was heading into the house if their mothers were in a near state of undress. "I don't really want to know what is going on."



-------

Chapter 62


Sean's mother, upon charging into Suzie's house, took nearly a minute to catch her breath. While waiting, she decided that the den was the safest place to hide until someone was able to bring over some clothes. She did not think it appropriate to be parading around in someone else's home wearing a half bra, sheer panties, garter belt, and stockings. Her high heels had been left behind when fleeing the Dwarves. Her hair, standing out in every direction, gave her the appearance of having stuck a finger in a light socket.

She was quite surprised to discover that the den was not unoccupied. Suzie's father, dressed in his boxer shorts and t-shirt, was getting down his shotgun to clean it. He was unaware that Sean's mother had burst into the room behind him. Not expecting to see him there, Sean's mother gave a little scream.

The shock of a nearly naked woman screaming at him had caused him to drop the shotgun. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the gun was loaded. Fortunately, it was only loaded with birdshot. The gun went off and sent one (count it - one) pellet into his big toe.

At that point in time, Suzie's mother rushed into the room. She was wearing a half bra, sheer panties, garter belt, stockings, and one high heel. A small branch that had become entangled in her hair hung down ruining what could have been considered a rather sexy look.

Despite having had a gun go off inside the house, things were going well so far. Suzie's father was sitting there staring at two women dressed in scanty lingerie thinking the kinds of thoughts that come most naturally to all men in similar circumstances. The effect was somewhat ruined by the fact that Sean's mother was rubbing her ears trying to regain her hearing after being deafened by the shotgun blast.

The wound, with an effort worthy of Hercules, managed to produce a very small drop of blood. Seeing the drop of blood, Suzie's father let loose with a scream that was almost deafening. According to the noise he made, one would have thought that the whole foot had been blown off.

When the scream ended, he shouted, "I've been shot!"

Suzie's mother ran to the backdoor. After throwing the door wide open, she shouted, "Suzie! Your father has shot himself!"

With that little announcement, Sean's quiet afternoon of groveling for Suzie's forgiveness had suddenly come to an abrupt end. A bare fraction of a second later, several things happened simultaneously.

While images of her father lying in a pool of blood flashed through her mind, Suzie jumped out of her chair and shouted, "Oh, no!"

Pip, getting a good eyeful of the risqué outfit worn by Suzie's mom, shouted, "She's almost naked!"

Thinking that he needed to take control of the situation, Sean jumped up and shouted, "We need to get him to the hospital. I'll drive!"

While leaning over to a get a better view of Suzie's mom, Chom fell off the roof landing on his head.

At this point, a sequence of events worthy of a Keystone Cops episode ensued.

Surprised at having a Dwarf fall at her feet, Suzie's mother screamed and slammed the door. Panicked by thoughts of her father dying, Suzie ran towards the door. She tripped over Chom, hit the closed door, staggered back, tripped over Chom, and fell into Sean. The back of her head hit Sean's nose. Sean fell backwards and landed on Pip. In the process of landing on Pip, Sean received a fist in his ribs.

Sean groaned and then said, "I tink ma 'ose iz boken."

"My daddy is dying," Suzie said struggling to get off the pile of bodies under her. Her elbow landed directly in Sean's eye.

Sean moaned, "I tink ma eye iz boken."

It took a while for everyone to get untangled. Sean and Suzie made it into the house after wrestling with the Dwarves to keep them out. Sean took one look at his mother and fell face forward on the floor. His nose was definitely taking a beating.

Suzie's mother was running around the den shouting, "We've got to get him to the hospital before he dies."

Sean sat up and said, "I know ma 'ose iz boken."

Sean's mother was jumping up and down shouting, "We've got to do something."

With a sore eye, broken nose, and ribs that hurt something horrible, Sean struggled to get to his feet. He had just managed to stand upright when the unthinkable happened. His mother's bra, a dainty lacy little thing that hadn't quite covered everything, decided that it was time to end its role in supporting her breasts. The bra went flying across the room. Sean took one look at his mother and fell over backwards. He hit his head on the floor.

Although it seemed like an eternity to those involved, it was only a minute later that the two women were helping the wounded man, Suzie's father, to the car for a quick trip to the hospital. Neither woman was aware of her state of near nakedness. Suzie's father wasn't complaining since he was enjoying attention, as well as the view.

Getting Suzie's father out to the car was quite an experience. While the two nearly naked women were helping to carry him to the car, a swarm of diminutive magical males were doing their best to attract the attention of the women. Dwarves, elves, leprechauns, and even a garden gnome had appeared from nowhere with all of them wearing green coats. All of them, with the exception of the leprechauns, were trying to catch the two mothers. The leprechauns were rolling on the ground laughing.

Suzie was left in the den trying to get Sean off the floor. She grabbed him and shouted, "This is no time to take a nap. You've got to drive up to the hospital!"

Rubbing the back of his head, Sean said, "I tink ma 'ead iz boken."

"Get up," Suzie demanded.

"No wanna zee ma mudder," Sean said.

It was about this time that Suzie noticed that Sean's nose was bleeding. She ran into the kitchen and grabbed a towel. She ran back into the den and shoved the towel against Sean's nose. She was a little over enthusiastic in putting towel to nose. Worried, she asked, "Can you drive?"

"Uh," Sean said cross-eyed. The world had just spun around him after the third blow to his now overly sensitive nose.

Sean made his way to the car with Suzie guiding him. One look at the trio in the rear of the car, Sean wrapped the towel around his eyes so that he wouldn't be able to look at his mother. Suzie was distracted by her father's condition and nearly threw Sean into the car. Sean, unable to see where he was going, bumped his head getting into the car.

He said, "I tink ma 'ead iz boken."

"My daddy is dying. Drive us to the hospital," Suzie said unaware that he had taken another blow to his head.

"I ca't zee," Sean said.

"Take the towel off your head," Suzie said rolling her eyes.

"Ouh, ea," Sean said. He checked the rearview mirror and saw his mother. He immediately covered the mirror with the towel.

"You're nose is bleeding," Suzie said.

While starting the car, Sean said, "I t'ink ma 'ose iz boken."

Suzie's father, having been quiet for too long, decided that it was time to get some attention. He moaned and said, "I'm going to lose the whole foot."

"How did you shoot yourself?" Suzie's mother asked.

"I wasn't expecting her to come over to the house dressed like that. I dropped the shotgun and it went off."

"You aren't supposed to leave it loaded," Suzie's mother said.

"It was loaded with birdshot," Suzie's father said.

"You could have killed yourself."

"Birdshot won't hurt anyone," Suzie's father said.

"It hurt you," Sean's mother said.

She leaned down in an attempt to see the damage from the gunshot. She couldn't see anything except a single drop of blood. It looked like a pretty pathetic wound.

"Don't worry about me. It is just the pain talking," Suzie's father said.

Suzie turned in her seat and asked, "Will Daddy live?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

"You never know with these kinds of accidents. They might have to amputate my foot to save my life."

Sean was blinking his eyes while trying to focus on the road. He asked, "W'en 'id 'hey 'iden ta 'oad?"

"What did you ask?" Suzie asked.

"W'en 'id 'hey w'den 'da roud?"

"Did you just ask me when did they widen the toad?" Suzie asked.

"'Da 'oad!"

"When did they widen the road?" Suzie echoed.

"Yea," Sean said.

"They didn't widen the road," Suzie said.

"'es, day did," Sean said. He could clearly see four lanes where there used to be only two.

The two bickered about whether the road had been widened throughout the drive to the hospital. Sean parked in the emergency drive. The group exited the car and went into the emergency room.

For one stunned moment, the staff stared at the group that had just entered the hospital. There were three nearly naked adults, a teen-aged girl on the verge of shock, and one battered bleeding teenage boy. It didn't take much of an imagination to come up with some scenarios that explained most of what they observed, but a full explanation was beyond most of them.

Once the initial surprise at the unusual sight had worn off, the nurses hustled Sean off to an examining room. One of the nurses had to come out to get the doctors who were rather distracted by the vision of the two women. Suzie's father raised a hand and said, "I was the one who was shot."

-------

Two hours later, Chief Fastman stood by Sean's hospital bed with notepad in hand. Looking down at the teen-aged boy, he asked, "Who beat you up, son?"

"Nobody," Sean answered.

"You have a broken nose, a cracked rib, a mild concussion, and a black eye. Someone beat you up," Chief Fastman said.

"No one beat me up," Sean said.

Chief Fastman said, "You can tell me, son. You and the young lady were in bed when her parents discovered you. The father, in a fit of rage, attacked you."

"No," Sean said.

Chief Fastman said, "I didn't think so. You and the young lady were dressed. The adults weren't."

"Right," Sean said. A shiver went through him at the memory.

"You caught her parents having sex with your mother. When you tried to break it up by shooting her father with a shotgun, he beat you," Chief Fastman said while scribbling furiously in his notebook.

"No," Sean said.

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure," Sean said.

"I was afraid of that," Chief Fastman said.

After making some additional notes in his notebook, Chief Fastman looked around suspiciously. Once he was sure that no one could overhear him, he leaned over to Sean. In a whisper, he asked, "Does this have anything to do with the thefts of the scientific lobsters?"

"No," Sean said.

"Are you sure?" Chief Fastman asked sounding disappointed.

"Positive," Sean answered.

"That's a pity. I was pretty sure that the gang stealing your scientific lobsters learned that you had talked to me. Gangs don't like it when people talk to the police about their criminal behavior," Chief Fastman said.

"Do you think it is a gang stealing my lobsters?" Sean asked.

"I haven't ruled it out," Chief Fastman said. "Who else would traffic in stolen lobsters?"

"I didn't think about it that way," Sean said.

"Are you sure that members of the gang didn't attack you to get you to ask me to drop the investigation?" Chief Fastman said.

"There was no gang there," Sean said.

Chief Fastman said, "This is a real mystery. No one seems to know how you got hurt."

"All I remember is a dwarf falling from the sky, a gunshot, and my mother wearing... ," Sean started to say. His mind refused to recall details about seeing his mother.

Chief Fastman said, "Ah ha! No one mentioned a dwarf falling from the sky."

"Is that important?" Sean asked.

"It could be," Chief Fastman said. "It all depends on why the dwarf fell from the sky."

"He was trying to catch my mother," Sean said.

"So you broke up an attempted kidnapping of your mother," Chief Fastman said. This was almost as good as having a case involving a gang.

"No. She was trying to get a leprechaun to chase her," Sean replied.

"Why would she do that?"

Sean said, "She figured she would let him catch her so that she could catch him and get his gold."

"Devious," Chief Fastman muttered while scribbling some more notes in his notepad.

Sean said, "I don't think her plan worked."

"It doesn't look like it to me," Chief Fastman said.

"Her plans to catch a leprechaun never work out," Sean said.

Chief Fastman asked, "Are there any other details about the attack on you that you can remember?"

"No," Sean said. "To tell the truth, I don't remember being attacked."

"Well, if you remember anything let me know."

Sean said, "I'll do that."

Chief Fastman said, "I don't think I'm going to make much progress on the case at the moment. I guess I'll head home now. The wife is putting together a romantic dinner for us."

"Really? That's nice of her," Sean said.

"She's making a lobster dinner," Chief Fastman answered. He closed his notebook and put it in his shirt pocket.

"What?"



-------

Chapter 63


The little metal statue of Suzie danced in Sean's hand. He had found that a paper clip and a bit of magic made a nice little statue. He put the statue on the table by his bed and watched it walk around. He sighed wishing that the real Suzie was there with him. He had to spend the night in the hospital because of his concussion.

For the tenth time that morning, he picked up the latest copy of the newspaper. His mother's picture was on the front page. At least they had the decency to blur out the private bits. He sighed and said, "That's another one for her collection."

His mother entered the room. Seeing that he was looking at the newspaper, she said, "I wish they would use my official publicity picture. I look so stupid in that picture with my breasts blurred out."

"I don't want to talk about it," Sean said.

"Did you read the article?"

Sean said, "Yes."

"I thought it was a pretty good. That whole bit about me being a distraught mother sounded kind of ... I don't know ... motherly," she said.

"Right," Sean said shaking his head.

"No one has ever said that I was motherly before."

"I wonder why," Sean said.

His mother said, "I don't know. I do have say that I really liked that article."

Sean asked, "You don't think that bit about you being engaged in a sex party was in bad taste?"

"It is better that people think that then having them learn the truth," his mother said.

"Why do you think that having people believe you were having a sex party with Suzie's parents is a good thing?" Sean asked. He could only imagine what Suzie had experienced at school that day. It was tough enough being a teenager without having an article in the newspaper about your parents being swingers.

His mother said, "Can you image what would happen if people found out there were leprechauns running around in our backyard? We'd have so many people chasing them that Suzie's mother and I would never have a chance of catching Liam."

"That actually makes sense," Sean said.

"I knew you would understand," his mother said with a smile.

"How did Dad react to that bit?" Sean asked.

His mother answered, "He wanted to know why he wasn't invited to the party."

"That sounds like dad," Sean said shaking his head.

"He was so disappointed. I guess we're going to start doing movies in the backyard again. At least the weather is warmer," his mother said.

"What?" Sean asked.

"We're going to have to enlarge the parking area in the backyard. I never realized that we had so many interesting neighbors," his mother said. "I've been getting calls all morning. You wouldn't believe the kinds of invitations that we've gotten."

"I don't want to hear about it," Sean said.

"Max's mother called and wanted to know if we would come over for a visit one night," his mother said.

"Why would they invite you over?" Sean asked. He regretted asking the question even before the words were out of his mouth.

"She mentioned something about a leather and lace party," his mother said.

"I don't want to hear about that," Sean said putting his hands over his ears.

"Coach Slaughter called. He wanted to know if we'd be interested in working in his private gym. He mentioned that it was clothing optional," his mother said.

"No, no, no," Sean said.

"What's the matter?"

Sean asked, "Can we change the subject?"

"To what?" his mother asked.

"How about we talk about me?" Sean asked.

"I can do that. According to the newspaper, I'm a motherly kind of person," his mother said.

Sean looked at her.

After a minute, she asked, "How do I start?"

"You might ask me how I'm feeling," Sean answered.

"So how are you feeling?"

Sean answered, "Not very well."

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"I keep finding out things about people that I don't want to know," Sean said.

His mother said, "That's all part of growing up."

"That is a part of growing up that I don't want to experience," Sean said.

His mother noticed the little statue walking around on the table. She leaned over and examined it carefully. She said, "That looks like Suzie."

"I know," Sean said.

"She's naked," his mother said.

"Uh, yes."

"My little boy is growing up. I'm so proud of you," his mother said patting him on the arm.

"Uh, thanks," Sean said.

An awkward silence descended on the room. Much to their relief, Suzie's mother entered the room. She said, "Good morning."

"Good morning," Sean said.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked.

"Yes. How's Mr. Emery feeling?" Sean asked.

Suzie's mother answered, "Oh, he's fine. It was nothing. They pulled out one pellet and then put a tiny little Band-Aid over the hole."

"I'm glad it wasn't more serious than that," Sean said.

Suzie's mother noticed the little statue walking around on the table. She leaned over and examined it carefully. She said, "That looks like Suzie."

"I know," Sean said.

"She's naked," Suzie's mother said.

"Uh, yes."

"She's really a pretty young lady," Sean's mother said. "You must be so proud of her."

"I am," Suzie's mother said.

"Our children make a nice couple," Sean's mother said.

"They are a little inhibited," Suzie's mother said.

"Excuse me. I'm here," Sean said holding up his right hand with his forefinger pointing up.

His mother said, "They're still at that exploratory stage in their relationship. They'll loosen up with time."

"Maybe Sean and Suzie should start double dating with Max and Clea," Suzie's mother said.

Confused by the suggestion, Sean asked, "Why?"

"I think you would have a bit of fun with them," she answered.

Sean asked, "What did you mean?"

Nodding her head in agreement, his mother said, "Once you get past Clea's beard, she's got a pretty substantial set of breasts. You could really have a lot of fun with her."

"Mother!"

"What?" his mother asked.

"I'm dating Suzie," Sean said.

"So?" his mother asked.

Sean said, "What would Suzie think?"

Mrs. Emery said, "She wouldn't think anything about it. She'd probably be too busy with Max to worry about what you are doing."

"What would she be doing with Max?" Sean asked looking over at Mrs. Emery in shock.

"What do you think she would be doing?" his mother asked.

"I don't know," Sean answered.

His mother turned to Mrs. Emery and said, "These kids have no imagination."

"Where did we go wrong?" Mrs. Emery said.

"I don't know," his mother answered.

"Do you feel up to a cup of coffee?" Mrs. Emery asked.

"That sounds good to me," his mother said.

Mrs. Emery asked, "How did your husband react to the newspaper article?"

"He was jealous and wanted to know why we were partying without him," Sean's mother answered.

"Why don't you come over tonight and we'll make it up to him," Suzie's mother said.

Sean said, "Uh, excuse me..."

"What about the kids?"

Suzie's mother said, "I'm sure that Suzie would love to spend the night with Sean."

"True. I can't imagine Sean complaining about getting to play a little nurse and patient game for the night."

Sean said, "Uh, could I ask a..."

"I'll take her by Shirley's Treasures this afternoon," Suzie's mother said.

"That's a good idea. I'm sure that they have a nurse's outfit in just her size," Sean's mother said.

He watched the pair of women walk out of his room. He stared at the door once it closed behind them. Incredulous, he said, "I must be dreaming."

After pinching his arm, Sean woke up and sat upright in the hospital bed. He sighed in relief and said, "What a weird dream!"

Sean noticed a paper clip on the little table by his bed. With a little magic, he turned the paperclip into a miniature statue of Suzie. He watched it dance in his hand. He put the statue on the table by his bed and watched it walk around. He sighed wishing that the real Suzie was there with him.

For the tenth time that morning, he picked up the latest copy of the newspaper. His mother's picture was on the front page. At least they had the decency to blur out the private bits. He sighed and said, "That's another one for her collection."

His mother entered the room. Seeing that he was looking at the newspaper, she said, "I wish they would use my official publicity picture. I look so stupid in that picture with my breasts blurred out."

"I don't want to talk about it," Sean said with a rising feeling of horror.

"Did you read the article?"

Sean said, "Yes."

"I thought it was a pretty good. That whole bit about me being a distraught mother sounded kind of ... I don't know ... motherly," she said.

Sean looked at the door and screamed, "Nurse!"



-------

Chapter 64


Sean entered the biology class room. This was the first time he had visited the high school since getting released from the hospital. He had missed one whole day of school. His nose was taped, his ribs still hurt, and his black eye had started to turn ugly. All in all, he thought he looked pretty good.

He had a minor headache that he was sure was going to get worse upon checking up on his lobsters. He wondered if there would be any lobsters and if there were, what genders they would have. His lab book had to contain the screwiest data ever taken on a science experiment.

No matter how many times he went in the biology classroom, walking past all of the skeletons that decorated the room gave him the willies. There were skeletons of fish, a dog, a cat, a bat, and a human being. Deciding that today was the day to face his unease, he paused by the skeleton of a human being.

Looking it over, he said, "I've heard of anorexia, but this is a little ridiculous. You really need to start eating more."

He used his magic to move the jaw of the skeleton. In a high pitched voice, he sang, "I so pretty, so very very pretty."

"No you're not," he said in his regular voice.

"Yes, I am. I have a very sexy rib cage," he said in the high pitched voice. He used his magic to lift the right hand of the skeleton to point to its rib cage. "All the boys want to date me."

"You have no breasts," Sean said in his normal voice.

"You beast! All you boys talk about are breasts," he said in a high pitched voice.

He used his magic on the small wire parts that connected the plastic bones together to get the skeleton to cross its arms. He discovered something pretty odd. It was hard to express emotions when all you had to work with was a skeleton.

"With a good reason. Breasts are great," Sean said.

"You're ignoring the inner me," Sean said in a high pitched voice.

Speaking normally, Sean said, "I can't see anything except for the inner you and it is kind of creepy."

"You are a very mean person," Sean said in the high pitched voice.

Sean said, "You've been standing here. Did you happen to see who is stealing my lobsters?"

"Do I look like I have eyes?"

"No," Sean said.

"So why did you ask such a stupid question?" Sean said in the high pitched voice.

Getting angry, Sean asked, "Who are you calling stupid?"

"You," he said in the high pitched voice.

"How dare you say that?" Sean asked giving vent to his ire.

"I can say that because you're the one who is talking to himself using me as a prop," Sean said in a high pitched voice.

"Oh, yeah," Sean said feeling rather stupid. "Don't forget, I'm the one here with a brain."

"Rub it in."

Sean looked over at the skeleton of a dog. In a cartoon voice, he said, "Woof woof. What are you doing looking at me?"

"I wasn't doing anything," Sean replied.

The dog's head turned to look at the human skeleton. In a cartoon voice, Sean said, "Is this fleshy monster bothering you?"

"He keeps undressing me with his eyes," Sean answered in a high pitched feminine voice.

"Pervert," Sean said in the cartoon voice.

Sean said, "I really wanted to be in the chemistry class mixing random assortments of chemicals together in the hope of finding the perfect ink remover. Instead, I'm stuck in a room full of smart ass skeletons and plastic body parts."

Knowing that arguing with the skeletons was a losing proposition, Sean made his way towards the lobster habitat. He passed a box that held some dirt which was home for a bunch of earthworms. Next to it was an aquarium with a hermit crab in it.

There was a jar filled with sea monkeys. Sean wondered where the student had found them. He had heard that one could buy them from advertisements in the back of comic books years ago, but he couldn't recall seeing anything like that recently.

There was another aquarium with a piece of coral in it. He was thinking that watching coral grow was about as interesting as watching paint dry.

Ms. Bird entered the room and walked over to where Sean was staring at the piece of coral. She was used to him coming into the classroom early in the morning to check on his lobsters. He claimed that he wasn't a morning person and was tortured into waking up early by his sinister sister and evil mother.

She looked over at Sean and remarked, "I read the article in the newspaper. You look terrible."

"Thank you," Sean said. "I've always appreciated honesty, particularly when it comes to my appearance. You have no idea how much it lifts the spirit to hear that you look terrible."

"Actually, I do know," Ms. Bird replied with a smile.

Sean headed over to his lobster habitat. Once there he looked into it expecting to find either two lobsters or none.

She asked, "How are your lobsters?"

"They are duplicating. I now have four of them," Sean said.

"Four?" Ms. Bird said leaning forward to study the habitat. She smiled and said, "How nice. I'm having company tonight."

"Company?" Sean asked looking at her suspiciously.

"Never mind," Ms. Bird replied while looking up at the ceiling.

Sean frowned. He asked, "What kind of company?"

"Not that it is any of your business, but it is the kind of company that keeps you from being alone," Ms. Bird answered. She leaned over to look at the lobsters in the tank.

"Sorry," Sean said.

"I have no idea how I'm going to grade your science experiment," Ms. Bird said with a frown.

It wasn't his fault that someone was taking his lobsters and returning different ones. Still, he wouldn't have collected any data that could possibly be graded.

"That's okay. I have been working on my fall back plan," Sean said.

"What was that, again?" Ms. Bird asked.

"I'm writing a treatise on that most amazing creature – the Sea Cucumber," Sean answered.

Ms. Bird shook her head and asked, "I remember now. How is it coming?"

"Well, I only have about six hundred pages written," Sean answered.

"Only six hundred pages?"

Sean said, "Well, there's a lot of material. The first few chapters of it deal with a basic introduction, the biology of sea cucumbers, and commercial uses of sea cucumbers. I've got a whole chapter dedicated to Japanese Haiku about sea cucumbers. Most of the page count comes from the appendix where I've used a page for each species of sea cucumber."

"It sounds like you've put a lot of work into it," Ms. Bird said. She wondered how long it would take her to read the entire report.

"I'm still working on the modern adaption of Romeo and Juliet," Sean answered.

Looking rather confused, Ms. Bird echoed, "A modern adaptation of Romeo and Juliet?"

"Yes. It stars two sea cucumbers of different species as the main characters. The whole balcony scene where Romeo talks about her being his coral reef will just send shivers down your spine. At least it will when I'm done writing it," Sean said.

"You don't have to include that," Ms. Bird said.

"I want to. It is so sad to think that sea cucumbers have never played a big role in western literature. I want to change that by producing a masterpiece," Sean said.

"I'm looking forward to reading your report," Ms. Bird said.

Sean stared at the lobsters for a second. Looking back over at Ms. Bird, he said, "It sure is strange how they keep disappearing and appearing."

"What? Sea Cucumbers disappear and appear?"

"No. I'm talking about my lobsters, Michael and Michelle," Sean said.

"That is a mystery," Ms. Bird said.

Sean sighed. He turned away only to discover his mother standing at the door of the classroom holding a large plastic sack. Surprised, he said, "Mom! What are you doing here?"

Ms. Bird said, "Hello, Mrs. Michaels. I saw the article in the newspaper. I thought you came across rather motherly in it."

"I thought so too. I wasn't pleased with the photograph they used of me. They blurred out all of the good bits. It made me look flat," Sean's mother said.

Ms. Bird said, "Yes. I would be upset too if I were you."

"Mom! What are you doing here?" Sean said.

"The sad thing is that I gave them a publicity picture to use of me years ago," Sean's mother said.

"The one with your tongue stuck out at the camera?" Ms. Bird said.

"You've seen it," Sean's mother said.

"Yes," Ms. Bird answered. "They have a copy at the movie theater."

"Mom! What are you doing here?"

"They are having an early morning sale on lobsters over at the grocery store. I bought some for dinner and thought I'd store them in your lobster tank until later," his mother answered.

"Sale?" Sean asked.

"They are having a buy one get one free sale on lobsters. They have a special sale every time they are about to get a new shipment of lobsters, but this one is the best ever," his mother answered.

"I might go over there during my break and pick up a couple," Mrs. Bird said.

"You better hurry. They are almost out," his mother said.

"I'll go during second period," Ms. Bird said.

"Excuse me, I need to get through," Ms. Hawkins said.

"Oh, hello Ms. Hawkins," Sean said.

Ms. Hawkins said, "I need to get over to the lobster tank. I picked up a couple of lobsters for a romantic dinner and need a place to store them."

Holding up a plastic bag, Mr. Chambers said, "I've got a couple lobsters here."

"Me too," said Ms. Woodhill. "They are having a really good sale on lobsters this week."

"I know," Sean's mother said elbowing her way from the lobster habitat.

Sean turned around to look at his lobster habitat. It now contained fourteen lobsters. The little habitat was beginning to get crowded.

Ms. Bird was staring at the crowd of people lined up at the door waiting to get in with their lobsters. Chief Fastman held up a plastic bag and said, "I thought I'd store my lobsters here while trying to solve the crime."

"You!" Sean's mother shouted.

"What?" Chief Fastman asked.

"You tried to have me arrested for indecent exposure," Sean's mother said indignantly.

"Well, you were exposed," Chief Fastman said.

Sean's mother said, "Every man there agreed that what was showing was more than decent. Why several of them said that I had the best breasts they'd seen in ages."

"I don't know about that," Chief Fastman said. "That's not what..."

Sean's mother opened her blouse and turned to Mr. Chambers.

Sean took one look at his mother and put his hands over his eyes. He shouted, "I'm blind."

She asked, "Is that a decent pair of breasts?"

"Yes," Mr. Chambers answered.

Chief Fastman said, "Mrs. Michaels, you are under arrest for indecent exposure on school grounds."

"How can you say that?" Sean's mother shouted.

"I'm blind and I'll never be able to see again," Sean wailed.

Ms. Bird said, "Look on the bright side, Sean. I think we know what has been happening with your lobsters."



-------

Chapter 65


The bailiff announced, "All rise for the honorable Judge Jack."

Everyone in the court room rose to their feet. Judge Jack walked into the court room and paused to look around. He so enjoyed that moment of attention. It made those many minutes spend getting an on-line law degree worthwhile. He frowned when he spotted the top of someone's head poking up above the defendant's table. He said, "Would the person hiding under the table please stand?"

Liam walked around the table while looking under it. He turned to the Judge and said, "I don't see anyone hiding under the table. Have you been drinking?"

"No. I have not been drinking," Judge Jack said indignantly. "I should cite you for contempt of court for even suggesting such a thing."

"You're the one seeing things that aren't there," Liam said.

"I didn't realize you were a dwarf," Judge Jack said.

"I'm not a Dwarf, I'm a Leprechaun" Liam said indignantly. "I should cite you for contempt of court for even suggesting such a thing."

"You can't cite me for contempt of court," Judge Jack said.

"Why not?" Liam asked.

"Because I'm the judge and that's my job. I don't know who you are."

"I'm Liam."

"Why are you here?" Judge Jack asked.

Liam adjusted his coat. He pulled out a handkerchief and theatrically dabbed his eyes with it. In a emotional voice, he answered, "I'm here defending this poor wretched widow. This unfortunate woman has ten children, all of whom are in diapers. You should see this poor wretched widow struggle to feed and clothe so many babies. Imagine the anguish of being surrounded day and night by ten babies crying to be fed. It is a sight that will break your heart. And what is her reward for her valiant struggles? Charges placed upon her by the evil Sheriff as part of a nefarious plot to force her to marry him."

Chom said, "He's good. Look at him. He's going for the poor wretched widow defense."

"It works every time," Pip said.

Judge Jack looked at Sean's mother and said, "I know the defendant. She has been in my courtroom before. She's not a widow and only has two children."

"She'll be a poor wretched widow when her husband dies," Liam said gravely.

Concerned, Judge Jack asked, "Is he ill?"

"No," Liam answered.

"What about the eight extra children that don't exist?" Judge Jack asked.

"There are plans for eight more children," Liam said.

Pip shouted, "I volunteer to father two of them."

"I'm first," Chom said.

"See, your judgeship," Liam said. "We've got volunteers."

"At the moment, she's not a widow and she's only got two children," Judge Jack said.

"Just look at her. Have you ever seen anyone look so miserable in your entire life?" Liam said.

He gestured theatrically at Sean's mother. She was wearing a battered grey dress with a shawl draped around her shoulders. Black teardrops were drawn just below her eyes. She was bent over doing her best to look miserable.

Judge Jack said, "My daughter's Halloween costume was better than that."

Liam said, "You've got to admit, that's pretty miserable looking."

Nudging Pip in the side with an elbow, Chom said, "He's really good. He knows better than to let the facts get in the way of a good defense."

"Never stick to the facts. That's a sure way to lose," Pip said in agreement.

"You can say that again," Chom said.

"Never stick to the facts. That's a sure way to lose," Pip said.

"I agree," Chom said.

"Could we have quiet in the courtroom?" Judge Jack shouted.

"Only if you shut up," Chom shouted back.

"Who said that?" Judge Jack asked while looking out across the courtroom to see who was talking.

"He did," Pip answered.

"Come up here where I can see you," Judge Jack said.

"Who? Him or me?" Chom asked.

"Both of you," Judge Jack answered.

Chom and Pip pushed their way up to the front of the courtroom.

Rubbing his forehead, Judge Jack said, "I don't believe it – two more Leprechauns."

"I'm a Dwarf, not a Leprechaun" Chom said indignantly. "I should cite you for contempt of court for even suggesting such a thing."

"Same here," Pip said.

Chom looked over at Liam and said, "He can't be much of a judge if he can't tell the difference between a Dwarf and a Leprechaun."

"It's an easy win," Liam said.

Judge Jack said, "What's with the green coats?"

Chom said, "The defendant..."

"You're supposed to call her the poor wretched widow," Liam said interrupting him.

"Sorry, I forgot," Chom said.

Pip said, "You keep forgetting like that and we'll never get any meatloaf."

There was a sudden disturbance created by Sean when he ran from the courtroom. Lily said, "You know you're not supposed to talk about meatloaf around Sean."

"Sorry," Pip said.

Chom said, "The poor wretched widow has a thing for men of small stature who wear green suits."

"It's all part of our plans for the poor wretched widow to have eight more children," Pip added.

Liam said, "You're supposed to wipe tears from your eyes whenever you say poor wretched widow. How am I going to win if you keep undermining my efforts?"

"Sorry, I forgot," Chom said.

Pip said, "This testifying in court is a whole lot trickier than it sounds."

Lily shouted, "Can we sit down? My feet are getting sore."

The judge made his way over to his chair and sat down. He was reaching for his gavel when the bailiff shouted, "You may take a seat. This court is now in session."

Turning to the bailiff, Judge Jack said, "You are just supposed to tell them to take a seat. The whole bit about the court being is session is my line. I start the session and I end the session. I control everything in between. Got it?"

"Sorry. I keep forgetting that," the bailiff said.

Judge Jack turned back to face the court. He looked around for a second and then asked, "Where are the two Dwarves?"

"We're here, your judgeship," came a voice from under one of the rows of benches.

"What are you doing there?" he asked raising from his chair trying to find the Dwarves.

"We're trying to get this bench removed from the floor so we can take it," Chom answered.

"Stop that," Judge Jack said.

Chom said, "He told us we could do it."

Pip said, "He did. I heard him. He said, 'you may take a seat.' So that's what we were doing."

"He meant for you to sit down," Judge Jack said.

"He should have said so," Chom said.

"You can say that again," Pip said.

"He should have said so," Chom said.

"He did. Now sit down," Judge Jack said. Chom and Pip sat down. Judge Jack said, "I'm not done talking with you. Come back up here."

"You just told us to sit down," Chom said. "Make up your mind."

Pip said, "That's all we need is a judge who can't make up his mind."

Judge Jack said, "That does it. I'm finding you in contempt of court. Bailiff, I want these two put in jail for the next twenty-four hours."

Chief Fastman stood up and said, "I object, Your Honor."

"You can't object."

Chief Fastman said, "I know that. It's just that I have to object."

"Why?"

"I don't want them in my jail," Chief Fastman said.

Judge Jack asked, "Why not?"

"The last time we arrested them, they stole the bars from the cell and ate all of our donuts," Chief Fastman said.

"Did you charge them for the theft?" Judge Jack asked.

"No. We didn't have a jail cell to hold them in. It was one of those Catch 66 situations," Chief Fastman said. "We couldn't arrest them for stealing the jail cell because they stole the jail cell."

"You mean, a Catch 22," Judge Jack said.

"No, that's a bullet size," Chief Fastman said.

Judge Jack turned to the two Dwarves and said, "I want you two to sit down and shut up."

"Are you talking to us?" Chom asked.

"Yes," Judge Jack answered.

"Okay," Chom said.

While walking back to the seat, Pip said, "This has been kind of fun. Maybe we ought to come here when we're bored."

"We're always bored," Chom said.

Pip said, "So we'll spend a lot of time here."

Judge Jack turned to the bailiff. He said, "Bailiff, there's a bottle of brandy in my chambers. Would you bring it here?"

"I knew you were a drunk the moment you started seeing people under tables who weren't even there," Liam shouted.

Judge Jack said, "That does it. I'm finding you in contempt of court. Bailiff, I want him put in jail for the next twenty-four hours."

Chief Fastman stood up and said, "I object, Your Honor."

"You can't object."

Chief Fastman said, "I know that. It's just that I have to object."

"Why?"

"He's a Leprechaun. You can't catch a Leprechaun. You don't even want to try to catch a Leprechaun," Chief Fastman said.

Judge Jack said, "He's standing right there. How hard can it be?"

Sean's mother said, "Pretty hard. They do this thing with mud..."

"Don't say I didn't warn you," Chief Fastman said while backing towards the door.

"Bailiff, grab him!"



-------

Chapter 66


The bailiff announced, "All rise for the honorable Judge Jack."

Everyone in the court room rose to their feet. Judge Jack walked into the court room and paused to look around. He so enjoyed that moment of attention. It made those many minutes spent getting an on-line law degree worthwhile. He frowned when he spotted the top of someone's head poking up above the defendant's table. He muttered, "Do not let him get to you."

"Hello, Judge Jack," Chom shouted.

"Hi, Judge Jack," Pip shouted.

The judge made his way over to his chair and sat down. He was reaching for his gavel when the bailiff shouted, "You may take a seat. This court is now in session."

Turning to the bailiff, Judge Jack said, "You are just supposed to tell them to take a seat. The whole bit about the court being is session is my line. I start the session and I end the session. I control everything in between. Got it?"

"Sorry. I forgot," the bailiff said.

Turning to the court room, Judge Jack said, "First, I would like to thank the cleaning crew for the wonderful job they did in removing all of that mud. It only took them a week. Now that we've got the mud cleared out, we can proceed. The first case is an indecent exposure on school grounds charge against Mrs. Michaels. Is the prosecution ready to proceed?"

"Yes, Your Honor," the prosecutor said.

Judge Jack said, "So noted. Is the defense ready to proceed?"

"Do I have a choice?" Liam asked.

"Not really" Judge Jack answered.

"I guess I'm ready," Liam said.

Judge Jack said, "The prosecution may make its opening statement."

"Thank you, Your Honor," the prosecutor said. "On the morning of..."

"Boo! Hiss!" Chom shouted.

Pip shouted, "Throw the bum out."

"Quiet in the court room!" Judge Jack said while banging his gavel. "I will not tolerate any outbursts."

"That wasn't an outburst, that was a heckle," Chom said.

"No heckling," Judge Jack said.

Pip said, "Whoever heard of a trial without heckling?"

"Not me," Chom said.

"This is highly irregular," Liam said.

"No heckling," Judge Jack said again.

"I object," Liam said.

"On what grounds?" Judge Jack asked.

Liam asked, "How are we supposed to know who is winning the case without feedback from the audience?"

"You don't," Judge Jack. "Objection overruled."

"I get it now," Liam said. "You want the poor wretched widow to lose."

"No I don't," Judge Jack said.

"Then let her go," Liam said.

"No. We must have a trial to establish her guilt or innocence," Judge Jack said.

"Good try, Liam," Chom shouted.

Judge Jack said, "No heckling."

"That wasn't a heckle, that was an encouragement," Chom said.

"No outbursts. No heckling. No encouraging," Judge Jack said.

"Why have an audience if we can't participate?" Pip asked.

"You are here to see that justice is done and not to be entertained," Judge Jack said.

"That sounds pretty foolish to me," Chom said. "Nothing is more entertaining than watching justice. I can't wait for the angry mob to show up."

"There will be no angry mob," Judge Jack said.

"No angry mob?" Pip asked. "Why not?"

"We don't do that," Judge Jack said.

"I object," Liam said.

"On what grounds," Judge Jack asked.

"Where's the drama?" Liam said.

"There is to be no drama," Judge Jack said. "Objection overruled."

Liam sat down next to Sean's mother. He leaned over and said, "Don't worry. We'll make sure there's an angry mob."

"I'm not sure I want an angry mob," Sean's mother said.

"Sure you do. It's all part of my strategy," Liam said.

Judge Jack turned to the prosecutor and said, "You may continue."

"We will show that on the said morning the defendant indecently exposed herself on school grounds. This is a simple open and shut case in which there are many witnesses to the events of that morning," the prosecutor said.

"You're going to show her indecently exposing herself?" Chom asked.

Pip said, "I'd like to see that."

"Me, too," Chom said.

"I don't," Sean said.

"I'm going to prove that the defendant indecently exposed her breasts on school grounds," the prosecutor answered.

"There will be no questioning from the audience," Judge Jack said.

"What are we allowed to do?" Chom asked.

"Nothing," Judge Jack said. He looked around the room. Pointing over at a garden gnome, he said, "Act like that garden gnome over there."

"I want to see her breasts," the garden gnome said.

"Be quiet," Judge Jack said. "Are you done with your opening remarks?"

"Well, I had a long speech, but I kind of lost my place. I'll just summarize – she's guilty of indecent exposure on school grounds," the prosecutor said.

"Counsel for the defense may make his opening remarks," Judge Jack said.

"This ought to be good," Chom said.

"What did I say about no encouraging?" Judge Jack asked.

"That wasn't encouragement, that was a commentary," Pip said.

"You can add that to the list of things you aren't allowed to do. No commentaries," Judge Jack said. He was half tempted to go back to that website where he had gotten his law degree and demand his money back. Life was a whole lot easier back when he was just the dog catcher.

"Next thing you know, he'll say no breathing," Chom said.

"No commentaries!"

"That wasn't a commentary. That was a complaint," Chom said.

"No complaints," Judge Jack said.

"That's not fair," Chom said.

"I said no complaints."

"That wasn't a complaint. That was a protest," Pip said.

"No protests," Judge Jack said. "The counsel for the defendant may give his opening remarks."

Liam stood up and paced back and forth in front of the judge. He pulled out his handkerchief. He cleared his throat. "Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the compassionate jury..."

"There's no jury," Judge Jack said.

"No jury?" Liam asked.

"No," Judge Jack said.

"That will cut a whole day out of my opening remarks," Liam said in protest.

"Continue," Judge Jack said.

Liam took a moment to pace back and forth in front of the judge. He cleared his throat. "Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the jury that isn't here, members of the concerned audience, witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for..."

"Are you saying that you bribed the witnesses?" Judge Jack asked.

"Who me?" Liam asked trying to look innocent.

"There's to be no bribing of witnesses," Judge Jack said.

Chom said, "This judge is making a mockery of the whole legal process."

"I agree," Pip said.

Judge Jack said, "Please continue your opening remarks."

Liam took a moment to pace back and forth in front of the judge. He cleared his throat. "Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the compassionate jury that isn't here, members of the concerned audience, witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for but not by me, vile and evil prosecutor..."

The prosecutor rose from his chair and said, "I object."

The audience started applauding. Judge Jack asked, "Why are you applauding?"

"We're starting to see some action finally," Chom said.

"It's about time. We've been here for hours," Pip said.

"There is to be no applauding," Judge Jack said. "Now what was your objection?"

"He's slandering me," the prosecutor said.

"There will be no slandering," Judge Jack said.

"This is impossible," Liam said.

Judge Jack said, "Please resume your opening remarks."

Liam took a moment to pace back and forth in front of the judge. He cleared his throat. "Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the compassionate jury that isn't here, members of the concerned audience, witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for but not by me, the prosecutor whose likes haven't been seen since the days of the Spanish Inquisition, members of the angry and unruly mob gathered upon the steps of this courthouse, members of the biased and slanderous press, we are here to prevent a miscarriage of justice from occurring."

"Now that is a sentence," Chom said approvingly.

"Yes it is," Pip said. "You don't get many sentences that long anymore."

The judge cleared his throat. "Be quiet."

"Outrageous and grievous charges have been laid upon this poor wretched widow..." Liam paused to wipe his eyes, " ... whose only crime is wanting to feed and clothe her ten crying babies..."

"We've already established that she isn't a widow and doesn't have ten babies," Judge Jack said.

"I object," Liam said.

"On what grounds?" Judge Jack asked.

Liam said, "You're not supposed to be interrupting me. That's the job of the audience and the unruly mob."

"Objection overruled," Judge Jack said.

"He's making a complete mockery out of this trial," Chom said in disgust.

"No commentaries," Judge Jack said while pointing at Chom. He said, "Please resume your opening remarks and make them accurate."

Liam said, "Outrageous and grievous charges have been laid upon this woman who will one day be a poor wretched widow..." he paused to wipe his eyes, " ... whose only crime is wanting to feed and clothe the ten crying babies she will one day bare."

"I'm hungry," Lily said.

Thinking this was one person with whom he could talk rationally, Judge Jack said, "Young lady. This is a courtroom. If you interrupt the proceedings, I'll be forced to cite you in contempt of court. You'll be taken over to the jail..."

"I'll go to jail?" Lily asked.

"Yes," Judge Jack said.

Lily started jumping up and down. She started chanting, "I'm going to jail. I'm going to jail..."

Judge Jack looked over at the police chief. He asked, "You have no objection?"

"No. She's a frequent visitor to the jail. We enjoy having her around," Chief Fastman answered. "We even stock lollipops for her."

Lily said, "I want to be a cheerleader..."

"Over my dead body," Sean said.

" ... and a career criminal just like my mother."

Judge Jack asked, "Who is your mother?"

"The poor wretched widow over there," Lily answered while pointing at her mother. "I'm one of the ten hungry babies."

"We're going to break two hours for lunch. I need a couple martinis," Judge Jack said. He banged his gavel once and ran from the room.



-------

Chapter 67


" ... of what crime has she been accused? Could it have been treason? No, for this woman who will one day become a poor wretched widow..."

Judge Jack raised his head up and said, "Stop it! Right now! We've been here for two days and you're still giving your opening remarks. Enough all ready!"

Liam pouted. He asked, "You don't like my speech?"

"I really liked that bit about her being willing to climb the highest mountains in order to collect condor eggs to feed her innocent and starving babies," Chom said.

"I didn't like that bit about offering herself to a dragon as a virgin sacrifice to protect her helpless babies," Pip said. "I don't like dragons and it's wrong to sacrifice virgins to them. There are a lot of better things you can do with virgins."

Sean said, "I even thought he made her sound very motherly. I didn't realize he was talking about my mother there for a while. I had no idea that she wept tears of grief every morning when I went off to school."

"I don't like that judge," Lilly said sulking. "He said I could go to jail and then never sent me there."

"For the thousandth time, no talking in the audience," Judge Jack said.

"You've only said that four hundred and eighty-seven times," the gnome said.

"Shut up," Judge Jack said.

"That you've said over a thousand times," the gnome said.

Judge Jack said, "You've got ten seconds to end your opening remarks."

"The end," Liam said. He sat down next to Sean's mother and said, "We'll win on the appeal."

Judge Jack said, "Will the prosecutor call his first witness?"

"I'd like to call Chief Fastman to the stand," the prosecutor said.

It only took ten minutes to swear in the chief. Liam objected to the proceedings twice. First he objected to the question and then he objected to the answer. He didn't like the idea of only telling the truth since it made it much more difficult to catch the witness in a lie.

The prosecutor said, "Chief Fastman, you were at the high school on the morning of the incident, were you not?"

"I was," Chief Fastman answered.

"Why were you there?" the prosecutor asked.

"I was investigating the theft of some scientific lobsters," Chief Fastman answered.

Judge Jack leaned forward and asked, "Are you telling me that there been thefts of scientific lobsters at the high school?"

"Yes, Your Honor."

"That's terrible. My wife works at that school and never mentioned it to me. I better warn her. She stores the lobsters she buys for our romantic dinners in some lobster tank there. I'd hate to see them stolen," Judge Jack said.

"Your wife works at the school?" Chief Fastman asked.

"She's the janitor there. She works a couple hours there every afternoon," Judge Jack answered.

Chief Fastman asked, "You said that she stores lobsters in a lobster tank there?"

"Yes. She buys a couple of lobsters on her way to work and stores them in a lobster tank there so they'll be alive when she brings them home," Judge Jack answered.

Sean stood up and shouted, "I want his wife arrested for the theft of my scientific lobsters."

"Who are you?" Judge Jack asked.

"I'm Sean Connery Michaels ... also know as Agent double-o zero. I'm the owner of those scientific lobsters," Sean said.

Chief Fastman said, "I can't arrest her yet. I have to interview the suspect, acquire some evidence, and ... ah ... do some other stuff. Then I'll arrest her."

"You better," Sean said.

Liam stood up and said, "Your judgeship, I'll defend your wife for ten large sodas. Of course, you'll also have to pay whatever fees are necessary to line up a couple dozen friendly witnesses. I've got to warn you, those fees can get pretty large. The poor wretched widow had to pay a fortune to come up with two friendly character witnesses."

"That's us, your honor," Chom said waving at the judge.

"You're hired," Judge Jack said.

"I object," the prosecutor said.

"Overruled," Judge Jack said. "Continue your questioning of the witness."

The prosecutor said, "Chief Fastman, tell us in your own words the events of that morning."

"The defendant opened her shirt in front of me, several faculty members, and a student."

Judge Jack said, "There was a student there?"

"Yes, Your Honor," Chief Fastman answered.

"That would be me," Sean said waving a hand to draw attention to himself.

Judge Jack said, "I assume you were there about your scientific lobsters."

"That is correct," Sean answered.

"I'm sure the prosecutor will be calling you to the stand later," Judge Jack said.

"Really? He didn't mention anything about that when he talked to me," Sean said. "He just whimpered and left."

"We'll see," Judge Jack said. "Continue your questions."

"Were her breasts clearly visible to all in the room?" the prosecutor said.

"Yes. They were quite visible," Chief Fastman said.

"And what did you do then?" the prosecutor asked.

"I arrested her," Chief Fastman answered.

"I have no further questions," the prosecutor said.

Judge Jack said, "The defense can cross examine the witness now."

Liam got up paced for a minute. He suddenly spun around, pointed a finger at the chief, and asked, "Where is the confession?"

"We didn't get one," Chief Fastman answered.

Chom shouted, "How can you have a trial without a confession?"

"Most irregular," Pip said.

"You didn't get a confession?" Liam asked taking two steps backwards.

"That's right."

Liam said, "I object."

"To what?" Judge Jack asked.

Liam asked, "How can we have a trial without a confession?"

"We do it on the basis of evidence," Judge Jack answered.

"That's ridiculous. How are we supposed to know the charges if we don't have a confession of everything she's guilty of doing?" Liam asked.

"We read them at the beginning of the trial," Judge Jack answered.

"You did?"

"Yes."

"What are they?" Liam asked.

"Indecent exposure on school property," Judge Jack said.

Liam stood there for a second looking puzzled. Finally, he asked, "What does that mean?"

"She showed her naked body to others while on school property," Judge Jack answered.

"And?" Liam said.

"And what?" Judge Jack asked.

"What's the crime?" Liam asked.

"Showing her naked body to others while on school property," Judge Jack.

"Is this a joke?" Liam asked.

"No," Judge Jack answered. "Your objection is overruled. Continue your questioning of the witness."

Liam asked, "How many days did you stretch the poor wretched widow on the rack in an attempt to get a confession?"

"What?" Chief Fastman asked.

"My question was quite clear. How many days did you stretch the poor wretched widow on the rack in an attempt to get a confession?" Liam said.

"We didn't stretch her on a rack. We don't have a rack," Chief Fastman said.

"They must have budget problems not to be able to afford a rack," Chom said.

Pip said, "It sounds like misappropriation of funds. They can afford coffee and donuts, but not a rack? This just smells of corruption."

"I agree," Chom said.

Pip stood up and said, "Hey Chief! We'll build you a rack for ah ... four large sodas."

"We don't need a rack," Chief Fastman said.

"You two shut up over there," Judge Jack shouted. He pointed to Liam and said, "Get back to your questions."

Liam asked, "So you used hot pokers on her?"

"No."

"Did you pull out her finger nails?" Liam asked.

"No."

"Break any bones?" Liam asked.

"No."

"Did you flog her?" Liam asked.

"No."

Liam stood there puzzled for a moment. Finally, he asked, "What kind of torture did you use in an attempt to get a confession out of her?"

"I didn't use any kind of torture," Chief Fastman said.

"No wonder you didn't get a confession out of her," Liam said.

"I didn't try to get a confession out of her. There were plenty of eye witnesses," Chief Fastman said.

"Did you torture any of the eye witnesses?" Liam asked.

"No."

Liam turned to the Judge. "I have to demand that you dismiss this whole case. The police did not do their job and collect proper evidence."

"I'm not dismissing the case," Judge Jack said. "Do you have any further questions for the witness?"

"No," Liam answered.

Judge Jack said, "Would the prosecution please call the next witness?"

"I object," Liam shouted.

"Why?"

"None of the witnesses have been properly tortured," Liam said.

"Objection overruled," Judge Jack said.

Liam returned to his chair and said, "We are definitely going to win on appeal."

One witness after another was called to the stand. Each basically stated that Sean's mother did indeed bare her breasts for all to see and then was promptly arrested. Under cross examination, each admitted that their testimony had not been obtained as a result of torture.

Finally, the prosecutor announced, "The prosecution rests."

Judge Jack asked, "Aren't you going to call the student?"

"I'd rather not," the prosecutor said.

"Why not?" Judge Jack asked.

The prosecutor answered, "He's not that reliable of a witness."

"That's why you're supposed to torture them first," Liam said like he was talking to a slow learner.

Chom said, "It's clear he didn't go to law school."

"Evidentiary Procedures 101," Pip said.

"In what way is he not reliable?" Judge Jack asked ignoring the Dwarves.

"When I asked him about his part-time job, he told me that he was a high priest who sacrificed fries to the boiling oil God of the Aztecs," the prosecutor answered.

"Mayans ... It is the boiling oil God of the Mayans," Sean called out.

"I can understand why you would hesitate to call him as a witness," Judge Jack said.

Liam said, "Don't worry your judgeship. I'll be calling him as a witness."



-------

Chapter 68


Liam said, ""Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the compassionate jury that isn't here, members of the concerned audience, untortured witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for but not by me, prosecutor who doesn't even know how to properly torture witnesses, members of the angry and unruly mob gathered upon the steps of this courthouse, members of the biased and slanderous press, we shall now hear from my first witness on behalf of the poor wretched widow.

"He's known far and wide as an impeccable judge of character. He's a Dwarf among Dwarves! I give you the one ... the only ... the uniquely unique ... Chom!"

Pip clapped while Chom marched to the witness stand. He shouted, "Way to go, Chom!"

"Not him," Judge Jack groaned.

Chom sat down on the witness stand after taking an opportunity to bow to the applause. He preened a bit. He spent a few seconds straightening his beard.

The clerk asked, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"Is that a trick question?" Chom asked.

"No," the clerk said.

"Do I have to answer it?" Chom asked.

"Yes," the clerk said.

"What's the correct answer?" Chom asked.

"Yes," Judge Jack said.

"How can I be a witness for the defense if I answer yes?" Chom asked.

Judge Jack said, "You answer yes and then you answer the questions truthfully."

"There won't be any torture involved, will there?" Chom asked.

"No," Judge Jack said.

"Okay," Chom said. "I'll answer yes."

"You can ask your questions of the witness," Judge Jack said.

"Do you know the poor wretched widow woman over there?" Liam asked.

"Yes," Chom said. He wiped his brow and said, "I didn't have to lie on that one."

"Are you familiar with her character?" Liam asked.

"Yes," Chom answered. He leaned over to the Judge and said, "This witnessing is pretty easy."

"Would you describe her character?" Liam asked.

"I spoke too soon," Chom said. He fidgeted in his chair. He tugged his beard and yanked on his hair. Finally, he said, "She's a character."

"I have no further questions for this witness," Liam said.

Judge Jack said, "The prosecution may cross examine the witness."

"I have no questions," the prosecutor said.

"You may step down," the Judge said.

Chom said, "That was the easiest meatloaf I've ever earned."

Sean jumped up and ran out of the room. Judge Jack asked, "What's wrong with him?"

"He gets sick whenever he hears the word meatloaf," Chom said. "I don't know why. His mother makes the best meatloaf you can possibly imagine."

"I'll ask my wife to get the recipe from her," Judge Jack said.

Lily shouted, "You'll be sorry."

"Call your next witness."

Liam said, "Your judgeship who men say little to nothing about, members of the compassionate jury that still hasn't arrived, members of the extremely frustrated audience, witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for but not by me, the prosecutor who would prosecute his own mother, members of the angry and unruly mob gathered upon the steps of this courthouse who are still waiting for something to happen, members of the biased and slanderous press who have already tried and convicted my client, we shall now hear from my second witness on behalf of the poor wretched widow.

"He's known far and wide as an impeccable judge of character. He's a Dwarf among Dwarves! I give you the one ... the only ... the uniquely unique ... Pip!"

"Not him too," Judge Jack said hanging his head.

Pip rose from his seat and shook hands with Chom. He said, "You did a most excellent job. I can only hope that I do as well."

"You'll do just as well, I'm sure," Chom said.

Pip sat down on the witness stand after taking a minute to bow to the applause. He preened a bit. He spent a few seconds straightening his beard.

The clerk asked, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"Sure, why not?" Pip answered confidently.

"That's a yes or no question," the clerk said.

"Yes," Pip answered.

"You may now ask questions of the witness," Judge Jake said.

Liam said, "Do you know the poor wretched widow seated over at that table?"

"Yes," Pip said. He turned to the Judge and said, "This is easy."

"Are you familiar with her character?" Liam asked.

"Yes," Pip said. He turned to the Judge and said, "This is going great."

"How would you describe her?" Liam asked.

"Hey!" Pip said. "That's not the question we rehearsed."

"Oops, that was Sean's question," Liam said.

"Just answer the question." Judge Jack said. "How would you describe her?"

"Awkwardly," Pip said after thinking about it for a minute.

Judge Jack said, "I'm looking for a bit more than that."

"I'd agree with Chom. She's a character," Pip said.

"Good save," Chom said.

"I thought so too," Pip said.

"I have no further questions," Liam said.

Pip said, "Well, I'll be going now."

"Hold on a minute," Judge Jake said. "The prosecutor may have some questions for you."

"I do," the prosecutor said. "You said you'd describe her awkwardly. Why?"

"I object," Liam said.

"On what grounds?" Judge Jack asked.

Liam answered, "I don't want you to hear his answer."

"Objection overruled," Judge Jack said. "The witness will answer the question."

"Can I talk to Liam for a minute?" Pip asked.

"No," Judge Jack answered.

"Well, the ... uh ... well ... ah ... it's hard to find the words... ," Pip said searching for an answer.

"I can understand that," the prosecutor said. "Could you please answer the question?"

Liam stood up and said, "I object."

"On what grounds?"

"The prosecutor is badgering the witness. He's answered the question. It's hard to find the words to describe this poor wretched widow."

"Yeah! That's right. Once you get beyond poor, wretched and widow, there just aren't many good words left," Pip said.

"Objection sustained," Judge Jack said.

"That was one bullet ducked," Pip said.

"Good save," Chom shouted.

"I'll step down now," Pip said.

"I want you to describe her," the prosecutor said.

Pip sat there for a moment. Shrugging his shoulders, he said, "Well, she has hair that color. She's tall and shaped like a woman. All of the basic body parts are there except for the beard. I've never gotten used to women without a beard. Some of body parts look pretty good, if you want my opinion."

Liam said, "That's a perfect description of her."

"I agree," Chom said.

"I have no further questions," the prosecutor said deciding it was hopeless.

"Great," Pip said.

Chom said, "I was worried there for a second, but you did great."

Pip said, "Another few minutes of that and I would have cracked. I almost said she was crazy, obsessed, and somewhat delusional with a mean streak a mile wide."

"Be glad you didn't say that where the hanging judge could hear you," Chom said.

"I heard it," Judge Jack said.

"Oops," Pip said.

"You can call your next witness," Judge Jack said.

Liam said, ""Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the compassionate jury that must by now have learned they missed the exemplary testimony of my past two witnesses, members of the audience who are anticipating my next witness with bated breath, witnesses whose testimony was not a result of torture and were fairly bought and paid for but not by me, the prosecutor with the disposition of an ogre first thing in the morning, members of the angry and unruly mob now about to riot upon the steps of this courthouse, members of the biased and slanderous press who are even now preparing the gallows for the poor wretched widow, we shall now hear from my first expert witness.

"She's known far and wide as an expert on all things decent and indecent. She's the one you have to chase and love to catch. I give you the one ... the only ... the uniquely unique ... the nymph of nymphs ... Bubbles!"

Bubbles stood up. Judge Jack stared at her. She skipped forward with all of her body parts jiggling. Judge Jack stared. She got into the chair and jiggled. The clerk fainted.

"There's a naked woman in the courtroom," Judge Jack declared once he got control of his mouth. It was fortunate that his mouth was the first body part he got control of since there were other body parts of which he hadn't regained control and he would likely not have control over them for several hours.

"He's got eyes," Chom said.

Pip said, "Don't talk to me. I'm looking at Bubbles."

"She's a nymph," Liam said. "That's her natural state."

"A nympho?" Judge Jack said. "I've always heard of nymphos but I've never had the opportunity to meet one."

"She's not a nympho. A nympho is a human woman who is trying to act like a nymph. She is a real water nymph," Liam said. "You can tell by the blue hair if your eyes ever reach that high up."

The judge looked down at the court clerk who was still out cold. He turned to Bubbles and asked, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"Yes," Bubbles answered while touching the dimple in her right cheek with a finger. She gave a little twist of the finger and all the men in the room went "Aah."

"You may question the witness," Judge Jack said.

Liam asked, "Do you know the difference between decent and indecent?"

"Yes," Bubbles said. She jiggled and all the men in the room went "Ooh."

"Would you say you are an expert on decency and indecency?" Liam asked.

"Definitely," Bubbles said. She rubbed a nipple and all of the men in the room released their breaths at once.

Liam asked, "If the poor wretched widow over there were to show her breasts, would that be decent or indecent?"

"Is there a chase?" Bubbles asked.

"No," Liam said.

"Is there a catch?" Bubbles asked.

"No," Liam said.

"Then it would be decent," Bubbles said. "The indecent doesn't start until the catch."

Liam asked, "Would you show us what indecent would be like?"

"Okay," Bubbles said brightly.

Bubbles jumped up and shimmied. She ran towards the door followed by a crowd of panting men. It took thirty seconds for the melee at the entrance to the courtroom to end. (For those who care about things like that, no one was seriously injured.) Only four males were left in the courtroom -- Liam, Sean, Judge Jack, and the court clerk who was still passed out on the floor.

Liam said, "Now that's indecent."

"She nearly cleared out the room," Judge Jack said. He spotted Sean and asked, "Why didn't you chase after her?"

Sean answered, "I'm with Suzie. Even when I'm not with her, I just don't see other women."

"You're getting so lucky tonight," Suzie said.

"My wife has that same effect on me," Judge Jack said. "I love her romantic lobster dinners."

"I'll be seeing her in court," Sean said.

"What did you say your job was?" Judge Jack asked.

Sean said, "I'm the high priest in charge of sacrificing fries to the boiling oil God of the Mayans down at the Dairy King."

"I remember now," Judge Jack said. "You're also the student who observed the exposure."

"Yes," Sean answered.

Judge Jack asked, "Was it traumatic?"

"Was it ever. A kid should never see his own mother like that," Sean said. "I was blind for a whole day."

"The defendant is your mother?" Judge Jack asked.

"Yes, I'm one of the hungry babies of the poor wretched widow," Sean said.

Lily said, "Dad is going to be so upset when he finds out that his wife is going to be a widow that he's liable to kill himself."

Judge Jack asked, "Do you have more witnesses like him?"

"Yes," Liam answered. "I have a lot of them. Lily was going to be my next witness."

Lily jumped up and said, "I don't want to testify. I don't like that nasty judge. He promised I could go to jail! Did I go to jail? No. How can I become a career criminal like my mother if he doesn't send me to jail?"

"I remember you," Judge Jack said.

Judge Jack picked up the gavel and banged it once on the desk. He said, "I find the defendant not guilty on the basis of sanity."

"Isn't that supposed to be insanity?" Sean asked.

"I thought so," Lily said.

Shocked by the verdict, Liam asked, "I supposed to prove that she was sane?"

"No. I'm talking about keeping my sanity," Judge Jack said while getting up to leave the room. There was a bottle with his name on it in his chambers. That job as dog catcher was looking very attractive.

"Thank goodness. Convincing anyone with half a brain that she is sane would have been an impossible task," Liam said wiping his forehead with his handkerchief.



-------

Chapter 69


Sean marched into the room, gave a Roman salute to Mr. Kindle, and then said, "Hail Caesar, Roman Centurion Sean Connery Michaels reporting for final exams."

Having survived having Sean in his class for nine months, Mr. Kindle was not in the least surprised by the greeting. He said, "I thought you were Agent Double-O Zero."

"I'm in disguise," Sean answered.

"You're wearing your regular clothes," Mr. Kindle said.

"I'm Agent Double-O Zero disguised as a Roman Centurion who is disguised as a high school student," Sean said. "Pretty good disguise, huh?"

"About as good as I've come to expect from you. Are you ready for the test?"

Sean held up a roll of pens. It must have contained twenty of them. "I'm fully supplied. I studied like a madman last night, and the night before that, and well, forever."

"You are a madman," Tom Westerland said.

He covered his mouth and then looked around to see if a piece of paper was going to fly into his mouth. He looked over Sean. Sean was carefully setting out his pens across the desk.

Mr. Kindle said, "If everyone will sit down, we'll start the test."

Sean leaned over to Suzie and said, "I love starting the test. You sit down thinking you know it all. After that, it's more like 'oh I don't know that one' and 'I don't know this one' and then 'this is not going well' and then you finish, at which point you say 'thank goodness that it's over.'"

"I know," Suzie said.

Mr. Kindle went to the board and wrote, 'Who is your favorite historical figure and why?' He turned to the class and asked, "Are there any questions?"

Sean raised his hand.

"Sean?"

"Can you give us a hint?" Sean asked.

The entire class burst out in laughter. Even Suzie giggled on hearing his question. Everyone knew this was a gimme test. There wasn't a wrong answer.

"No," Mr. Kindle answered trying not to smile.

"Boy, is this a tough test," Sean said. He leaned over to Suzie and said, "I didn't study anything about favorites."

Mr. Kindle said, "Get to work everyone."

Sean started writing. He got through half a page and then wadded up the paper. He started on another page, got through about half of it, and then wadded that page up. He wrote about five lines on the next page before wadding it up. Everyone else in the class turned in their answers after ten minutes and left the room.

For forty minutes, Sean would write a bit and then wad up the paper. Sean was still writing furiously.

Fascinated by what he was seeing, Mr. Kindle asked, "Sean, what are you doing?"

"This test is impossible. I start to answer the question and then realize I've got the wrong answer," Sean answered.

Mr. Kindle said, "Why don't you unwad all of those papers and we'll see what you've got?"

Sean flattened all of the papers and then put them into a nice stack. He handed the papers to Mr. Kindle.

"You started with Socrates?"

"Yes. I was doing good until I got to the part about him being the mentor for Plato who was the teacher of Aristotle and I realized that I liked Aristotle more Socrates. Socrates was pretty cool in that he drank some poison and then died, but Aristotle was brilliant with his whole theory of metaphysics. Then I started writing about Aristotle and that was going well until I got to the bit about how he was the teacher of Alexander the Great.

"So I started on Alexander the Great. Then I realized, Caesar was a whole lot more interesting than Alexander the Great – I mean, Caesar was murdered and Alexander the Great got sick and died. There's no comparison there in terms of being interesting.

"Caesar was an emperor of Rome and that got me to thinking about other emperors of Rome. Who is a more interesting emperor than Nero? He was just a sick puppy and that's kind of fascinating. Nero may have fiddled on a lute while Rome burned, but he didn't write a symphony like Beethoven.

"The cool thing about Beethoven was that he was deaf. Of course, I immediately thought of Mozart. He was a child prodigy and I think that a prodigy trumps deafness every time.

"Thinking of prodigies got me to thinking about geniuses. Michelangelo lead to Galileo, who lead to Di Vinci, which got me to thinking about Newton. Newton invented calculus. Of course, you can't think about calculus without thinking of geometry which lead me to consider Euclid.

"Now you might think that Euclid got me to thinking about Plato, but actually he reminded me of the non-Euclidean nature of General Relativity. Who's the big guy in General Relativity? Einstein. What's there not to like about Einstein?

"Einstein was a great guy, but then when I was writing about his coming to America, I realized that Hitler was pretty fascinating. He was about as sick as Nero and killed millions of people and was short like Napoleon. I don't know if you recall, but I wrote a paper on Napoleon and that he was short."

"I'm going to staple all of these papers together and grade them as a whole. Would that be okay with you?" Mr. Kindle said.

"I guess so. That was a tough test," Sean said. "Thank goodness that it's over."

"You've got ten minutes to your next test. You might want to go outside and relax," Mr. Kindle said.

Sean stepped out of the room to find Mr. Charmers standing there.

"How was the test, Sean?"

"I think I failed it," Sean said.

"Really? I'm surprised. You usually do pretty good on tests."

Sean said, "I didn't know favorites would be on the test. I didn't study the right material."

"I'm sure you did fine," Mr. Charmers said. "Let's see, you've got Ms. Woodhill next. That should be easy. She likes you."

"She's a great teacher," Sean said.

"She's a great coach, too," Mr. Charmers said.

"That's true. Do you think she might slip a football question in on the exam? I didn't study football," Sean asked.

"I'm sure it will be on English," Mr. Charmers said.

"Good," Sean said.

He headed directly over to Ms. Woodhill's classroom. Suzie, having finished her history test in five minutes, was waiting for him there. He headed straight for Suzie, but Ms. Woodhill reached him before he reached Suzie.

Hugging Sean to her, she said, "Hello, my dear boy. I'm going to miss your insightful and imaginative questions, Sean. No other student that I've had has ever come close to having your imagination. My life as a teacher will be much duller without you here next year."

"Thank you, Ms. Woodhill. You're the best teacher I've ever had. Maybe you can transfer to the college I'm going to and I can take your class there," Sean said.

Ms. Woodhill said, "It is almost time to take the test. Run along to your seat, Sean."

"Yes, Ms. Woodhill," Sean said.

Ms. Woodhill went to the board and wrote, 'What was your favorite poem and why?' She turned to the class and asked, "Are there any questions?"

Sean raised his hand.

"Sean?"

"Can you give us a hint?" Sean asked.

Ms. Woodhill said, "Of course, I can. What poem had the most effect on Miss Emery?"

"This is an easy test," Sean said grabbing a pen and paper. "I didn't even get through five lines of it and she was all over me."

Suzie turned bright red. He wrote down the answer and turned it in. It had taken him less than a minute to complete this one.

He handed it into Ms. Woodhill and said, "I know I got this one right."

"I'm sure you did," Ms. Woodhill said.

Sean left the classroom and headed towards the gym where the school had set up a decompression area with food and beverages. Coach Slaughter was standing around to make sure that things didn't get out of hand.

"Hello, Coach Slaughter."

"Hello, Sean," Coach Slaughter said worried about what was going to happen next.

It seemed to him that every time Sean was around, life got interesting in a bad way. He still was trying to figure out how Sean had managed to do so many pushups. It just wasn't possible that the scrawny kid could do more pushups than him.

"Am I supposed to show up to gym class for my final exam or should I go to the library?" Sean asked.

"You've got an A already as per our agreement. You don't need to come to the gym."

"Good."

"So are you looking forward to going off to college?" Coach Slaughter asked.

"Yes. I'm going to take a chemistry class," Sean said. "I'm thinking about inventing the perfect spot remover."

There was a strangled yell from across the room. Mr. Donaldson, the chemistry teacher, ran out of the gym yelling, "Armageddon."

"I didn't realize that you were interested in chemistry," Coach Slaughter said wondering what was the matter with Mr. Donaldson.

"I am," Sean said. "I'm hoping to reproduce my sodium in the toilet experiment."

"Have fun in college," Coach Slaughter said.

"I intend to," Sean said.

When Suzie arrived, Sean hung around with her eating cookies and drinking soft drinks until it was time for their next test. On the way to the classroom, he stopped by his school locker and grabbed a fistful of pencils along with a few erasers and a pencil sharpener.

Suzie asked, "Did you get enough pencils?"

"I don't know. Math tests can be pretty hard on pencils," Sean said.

Never all that confident in her math skills, Suzie said, "I'm worried about this one."

"You'll do fine," Sean said while giving her a hug.

Much to their surprise, Mrs. West had arranged for pizza and soft drinks to be delivered to her classroom. The food was spread out on her desk at the front of the classroom. It looked like she was throwing a party.

She welcomed the students, "Come in and have some pizza."

"Oh wow! This is great," Jerry said.

"What kind of test is this?" Sean asked looking over the selection of pizzas.

Mrs. West said, "There's no test. You passed the class a long time ago."

"Really?" Sean asked looking relieved.

"Yes."

"Did I get an A?" Sean asked.

"Yes. All of you got an A."

"That's great," Sean said.

Sid said, "Wonderful."

"Were you worried?" Mrs. West asked.

"Of course, I was. Those coupled partial differential equations can be pretty tricky," Sean said.

Mrs. West said, "Do you remember when you did the integral over a single variable?"

"Um, that was back around Thanksgiving," Jerry said wondering why she was bringing that up.

"Do you mean the stuff we did in that first math book?" Suzie asked.

"Yes."

"I remember that," Sean said.

"That was the last of the material we were supposed to cover in this course," Mrs. West said.

Susan said, "This was the least boring class that I've ever had."

Mrs. West chuckled. "Believe it or not, I can say the same thing. This has been a wonderful class. It's a perfect end to a teaching career."

The pizza was great. Almost out of habit, the five students discussed the last bit of their math book. Mrs. West joined in the discussion taking time to point out some topics that she thought was interesting to study. It was, in a nerdish kind of way, a very pleasant time.

Shortly before the next test was supposed to begin, Susan said, "It is time to change clothes."

"I didn't bring any clothes to change," Sean said.

"Not you, us," Jerry said.

"Why are you changing clothes?" Sean asked.

"Today is the day."

"Yes, it is," Sean said. He frowned, "The day for what?"

"Mr. Charmers is going to announce his decision concerning our bet," Jerry said. "Susan will be taking me to dinner."

"Me taking you ... are you kidding? You'll be taking me out to dinner," Susan said.

"We'll see about that," Jerry said.

Susan and Jerry left the room.

Sean said, "We've got social studies next."

"I have no idea what to expect on that test," Suzie said. "How are we supposed to demonstrate that we've learned something in her class?"

Sean raised a finger to the sky and said, "I have the perfect plan for an A."

Time passed and before long, it was time for Sean and Suzie to head over to their Social Studies class to take the final exam for the course. They met Susan and Jerry while walking to the class.

Susan strode like a woman in complete charge of her environment. She was dressed in a very tight-fitting black leather outfit with high-heeled boots that came up to her knees. She was carrying a little box that she would occasionally wave at Jerry like it was a threat.

In complete contrast to Susan, Jerry casually followed behind her wearing a suit and tie. He was carrying a rather large box that he would hold up to Susan like it was a present whenever she waved the little package at him.

Susan's appearance was really kind of scary in a not so subtle Dominatrix manner. Students cleared a path down the hallway for her out of fear that she's pull out a riding crop from somewhere and start whipping bottoms. People stayed out of Jerry's way, in part because they felt sorry for him. No one, male or female, couldn't imagine going on a date with Susan.

Upon reaching the class room, Sean fell to the floor making quite a nice thwap sound when his head bounced off the floor. He then proceeded to wiggle around on the floor, looking a lot like a snake crawling over a fallen power line.

Sean shouted, "Mercy! I beg for mercy. Just give me a little of your attention, Suzie, and I'll be your slave. I'll crawl away happy."

"What are you doing?" Ms. Hawkins asked looking down at Sean.

"I'm seeking Suzie's attention in a manner approved by feminists everywhere," Sean answered.

"Someone has done his homework," Ms. Hawkins said looking very pleased.

Ms. Hawkins looked at Suzie and then pointed at Sean.

Sticking a foot in Sean's general direction, Suzie said, "Lick my ankle."

"Your ankle?" Ms. Hawkins asked. "You've got to do better than that, dear."

"I like it when he does that. It sends shivers down my spine," Suzie said.

"In that case, you pass," Ms. Hawkins said.

Sean asked, "How about me?"

"Your grovel could use a bit of work, but I'll give you an A," Ms. Hawkins said.

"Thank you," Sean said.

A couple of the boys got down on the floor and spread their hands and legs as if getting arrested by the police. They kept shouting, "Don't taze me bro!"

Turning to look at the two boys on the floor, Ms. Hawkins said, "I see a couple of other students have paid attention in class, as well."

Ms. Hawkins went off to grade a few other performances.

Suzie said, "That was a good plan."

"Do you really like it when I lick your ankle?" Sean asked.

"Yeah."

Sean licked her ankle. Suzie gave forth a contented sigh. From across the room, Ms. Hawkins shouted, "That was definitely worth an A+, Sean and Suzie!"

"Definitely an A+," Suzie said.

Mr. Charmers walked into the room. He looked down at Sean and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Getting an A+," Sean answered.

"I see ... maybe I don't," Mr. Charmers said with a frown.

Ms. Hawkins said, "Everyone to their seats. Mr. Charmers is here to tell us how Gloria Steinfield contributed to the Woman's Movement while Heff Hughner set it back."

Mr. Charmers stood at the front of the class. "I was asked to judge the contributions of two individuals to the Woman's Movement as documented by two students. They had a bet concerning who could provide the most convincing argument. I'm not sure of the details of the bet."

Jerry said, "The loser takes the winner out to dinner at the place of the winner's choosing."

"The loser has to wear the outfit selected by the winner," Susan said holding up the little box in her hand.

"What's in the box?" Sean asked.

Susan grinned. She opened the box and pulled out a chain and a collar. "This is his outfit."

"Where's the rest of it?" Sean asked.

"That's it."

Max mumbled, "My Dad has one just like it."

Ms. Hawkins said, "I like it."

Suzie asked, "What did you get for her to wear, Jerry?"

Jerry opened his box. He lifted an emerald green formal dress out and held it out for everyone to see. "It matches her eyes."

"Nice," Suzie said.

"That's not quite as degrading as I would have anticipated," Ms. Hawkins said sounding a little disappointed.

"I bought her matching lingerie at Shirley's," Jerry said.

"That's more like what I expected," Ms. Hawkins said. Rolling her eyes, she added, "Men!They're just slaves to their hormones."

"As are women," Mr. Charmers said.

"No, we're not."

Smiling, Jerry said, "Just imagine Coach Slaughter naked and lifting weights - all of his muscles bulging with effort, his sweat drenched body glistening in the light, and his manly voice counting out the reps."

Ms. Hawkins turned red and had to fan herself to cool off a little.

"That'll get your juices going," Debbie said.

Susan said, "The imagery reminds of that poem, Naked Hercules Stands Erect."

"I'm not reading that one to you again. You nearly killed me last time," Jerry said.

Looking down at the floor, Ms. Hawkins said, "Maybe women are affected a little by hormones."

Susan asked, "So what did you decide, Mr. Charmers?"

"The Women's Movement would have failed without either of them. Gloria convinced women of their right for equal treatment and Huff sold men on the idea of it. Sorry, but I have to say it was a tie," Mr. Charmers said.

Ms. Hawkins said, "How can you say that? He published pictures of naked women."

"Gloria convinced woman that they should be liberated from the sexual and social constraints of their time. Huff used sex as a means of convincing men that having liberated women would be a good thing for men. They were selling the same thing to two different audiences and both audiences bought it," Mr. Charmers said.

"What about our bet?" Jerry said.

"Yeah, what about our bet?" Susan asked.

"You can each take the other out," Mr. Charmers said.

Jerry said, "That sounds good to me."

"Outside of a little poetry, we haven't really had a proper date," Susan said after considering the matter.

"I'd love to take you out ballroom dancing."

Susan said, "That dress does match my eyes. It would be kind of fun going dancing."

Suzie asked, "Where were you going to take him where he could wear only the collar?"

"I was searching the web and found a nightclub in the city that's perfect. He wouldn't be the only one there wearing nothing but a collar."

"I guess I could wear the outfit you picked out for me if I'm not the only one dressed like that," Jerry said.

Jerry and Susan walked out of the room making plans for their dates.

Suzie said, "That's a strange relationship."

"I'm so lucky to have you," Sean said.

The time for the last class of the day rolled around and Mrs. Bird was seated at her desk grading project reports that students had been turning in all day. It was a lot of work grading them, but she enjoyed reading about the lessons learned from raising various kinds of animals.

Sean entered the room carrying a very large box. Actually, he wasn't carrying it, but only looked like he was carrying it. It was too heavy for him to lift. Instead, a pair of gloves was doing the real work. He commanded the glove to set box on the floor in front of Mrs. Bird's desk.

"What's that?" Mrs. Bird asked afraid of the answer.

"My reports," Sean answered while digging around in the box.

He stood up holding a thin report. Placing it on her desk, he said, "Here's the report on dissecting the frog."

Mrs. Bird looked over the report. "Nice cover page. Well organized. Excellent drawings. Good job."

"Thank you," Sean said. "It sure was gross."

"That's what everyone says."

Sean put a two inch bound stack of papers on her desk. She picked it up and glanced through it. It was a very detailed report on sea cucumbers. The index showed that he had covered all of the basic biological facts of sea cucumbers as well as their distribution in the oceans around the world.

She said, "Your report on the Sea Cucumber looks pretty substantial. I don't think I've gotten one quite this detailed."

Sean put a four inch bound stack of papers on her desk. "Appendix A. The Species of Sea Cucumbers. I think I got them all. There's one thousand two hundred and fifty species documented in there."

"Oh my," Mrs. Bird said staring at the binder.

Sean put a two inch bound stack of papers on her desk. "Appendix B. Sea Cucumbers in Japanese Haiku."

"They must like sea cucumbers in Japan," Mrs. Bird said.

Sean put another four inch bound stack of papers on her desk. "Appendix C. Romeo and Juliet adapted for Sea Cucumbers."

"You didn't," Mrs. Bird said.

"Yes, I did," Sean said.

"I'm sure it will be interesting reading," Mrs. Bird said thinking it would be something to do when she retired.

Sean held out a thin little report. Two pages were stapled together. He said, "This is my report on raising lobsters."

Mrs. Bird took the report from Sean. "I've been curious what you were going to say in your report."

"I think I presented my conclusions quite nicely," Sean said.

She read the cover sheet aloud, "On Raising Lobsters. By Sean Connery Michaels."

"I see you left off the bit about being a secret agent."

"Suzie pointed out that it's hard to be a secret agent if you're always advertising it," Sean said.

"She's a smart girl."

She flipped to the next page. She read aloud, "Don't bother trying to raise lobsters. People eat them."

"It's short, but straight to the point," Sean said.



-------

Chapter 70


Sean was sitting on a mound of garbage looking depressed. The hot sun overhead was doing its bit to make the air truly foul smelling. Even the rats were avoiding the landfill that day. Sean was convinced that he'd start hallucinating if he spent another half hour out there. He was hoping that he'd find a nice big gold ring somewhere in the midst of that garbage heap.

There was a little disturbance in the mound of garbage. Sean leaned forward to see what was about to emerge. A pair of tweezers holding a half link of gold chain poked out from the trash. Sean picked up the little bit of gold. He couldn't even feel it. Even worse, it wasn't even made of gold, but was just gold plated.

Grumbling, he said, "That's it? I've been waiting twenty minutes for this?"

He put the piece of gold in his pocket and pulled out his magic compass. "Where's the nearest piece of unowned gold?"

The little pointer of the compass turned in circles. It never stopped turning. He asked again, "Where's the nearest piece of unowned gold?"

He got the same result as before. He shook the compass and examined it. It looked okay.

"What's the matter with this thing?"

"I think that it's telling you that there are no pieces of unowned gold near here."

Startled, Sean turned around to find George and Georgette standing there. The elves managed to look ethereal despite standing in the middle of a garbage dump.

"Hello, George and Georgette. I didn't know you were here, otherwise I would have greeted you," Sean said.

George said, "We were passing by and saw you sitting over here."

"You looked so dejected that we thought to come over and cheer you up," Georgette said.

"That was very nice of you," Sean said.

Georgette asked, "Why are you so down?"

"Midsummer's day is tomorrow and I don't think I have enough gold to get my next gift of magic," Sean said.

"How much do you have?" George asked.

"A nugget about the size of a lentil bean," Sean said.

George said, "That doesn't sound like much."

"But it may be more than you think," Georgette said.

Sean said, "I don't understand it. There should have been more unowned gold here. People throw away boxes of junk not knowing what's inside of it all of the time."

"It's the Leprechauns," George said.

"Leprechauns?" Sean asked.

Georgette said, "They can't walk past unowned gold without picking it up."

George said, "By now, they've cleared out the whole area."

"I should have realized that. I guess I could drive a couple hundred miles from here and try my luck there," Sean said.

George said, "You don't have time to do that."

"I've got all day. Tomorrow is Midsummer's day," Sean said.

"Yes, but today is judgement day," Georgette said with a smile.

"Judgement day?" Sean asked thinking of apocalyptic events of a Biblical nature.

"Yes, today is the day we judge you to make sure that you're good enough to get the next gift of magic," George said.

"No one said anything about that to me," Sean said getting worried.

"Of course not. It's against the rules," Georgette said.

"Why?"

George said, "You can't have a fair judgement if the person being judged can be on their best behavior."

"Not everyone can handle having magic, you know."

Sean said, "I guess that makes sense. When is this judgement taking place?"

"Now."

"Here?"

"No way." George raised a hand and snapped his fingers.

Sputtering, Sean floundered around in the water until he realized that the water wasn't very deep. He stood up. He was standing in the middle of the creek with water to his knees. His clothes were soaking wet.

"What happened?" he screeched.

"Sorry about that," George said.

Holding her nose in a very petite manner, Georgette added, "You smelled."

"That's to be expected. I was in the garbage dump," Sean said.

"Hi Sean!"

On hearing the shout, Sean turned around to see who it was. It was Thur and he wasn't alone. Every magic creature that had returned so far was standing in the meadow next to the stream. Sean hadn't even met most of them. There were Brownies, Nymphs, Fairies, Elves, Dwarves, Imps, Gnomes, Trolls, Leprechauns, Will 'o the Wisps, and a bunch of other species Sean didn't recognize.

"You're back," Sean said to the Dwarf.

"Yes, I am," Thur said. "I wouldn't miss a judgement."

Sean asked, "How does a judgement work?"

"It's pretty simple, really. You stand there and we say bad things about you," Chom said.

"I've got to stand in the middle of the stream?" Sean asked finding it was rather uncomfortable standing there with his shoes soaking wet. He could live with wet shoes, but his socks felt icky.

"No."

"Yes."

"Maybe."

"Why not?"

"He doesn't have to stand, he can sit."

"It would be better if he stood on his head."

"In the water?"

"Yeah."

"He'd drown."

"Oh, yeah. I guess he would."

"It would be fun to watch."

"Maybe not."

"So can he sit or stand?"

"Yes."

"What's that mean?"

"I think it means that he can sit or stand."

"What do the rules say?"

"Does anyone remember the rules?"

"Who needs rules?"

"We can always make up some more."

"He can get out of the water."

"Okay."

"Sure."

Chom said, "It's been decided. The rules say that you don't have to stand in the water. You can sit or stand on dry land while we say bad things about you."

"Thank you," Sean said.

He climbed out of the stream. There was a weird feeling in his shirt that kind of tickled him. He reached inside his shirt and pulled out a fish. He put the fish back in the water.

"Was he supposed to do that?"

"What?"

"Put the fish back in the water."

"Why should he?"

"Why shouldn't he?"

"I'm hungry."

"Did you tell him that?"

"No."

"See."

"See what?"

"There was no reason not to put the fish back."

"Okay."

"Good."

"I'm still hungry."

"The party is tonight. You can eat at the party."

"Can we get this over and done with? I want to start the party early."

"It's got to start at Sunset."

"Why?"

"That's the rule."

"What rule?"

"The rule that was made up ten thousand years ago about when the party starts."

"Can we make up a new rule?"

"Not if it un-makes-up an old rule."

"Why not?"

"Un-making-up an old rule is against the rules."

"How do we get rid of a rule?"

"We forget it."

"Oh, that's right. I forgot."

"Once we forget a rule, then we can make up a new rule."

"That makes sense."

"Hey, when are we going to start talking bad about him?"

"We already started."

"We did?"

"Yes."

"What bad thing did someone say?"

"He shouldn't have put the fish back."

"That's not a bad thing."

"Yes, it is."

"Why?"

"I'm hungry."

"We already had this discussion."

"Somebody has to say something bad about him."

"He isn't a likely hero type."

"He isn't supposed to be."

"He's not?"

"Nope."

"He's lucky he got picked."

"He's supposed to be lucky."

"Why?"

"We picked him because he's lucky."

"Oh."

"There's a tautology in there somewhere."

"What's that?"

"What's what?"

"A tautology."

"A thing that proves it self."

"I don't get it."

"He's lucky because he's lucky."

"Oh, I get it."

"He isn't lucky when it comes to clothes."

"Why?"

"Did you see his clothes?"

"They're wet."

"His pants pockets look like the cheeks of a chipmunk."

"Definitely lacks a fashion sense."

"I doubt he ever gets laid."

"He's got a girlfriend."

"Is she pretty?"

"He doesn't even look at us."

"Not look at a Nymph?"

"He's only got eyes for his girlfriend."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"He's got to be horny."

"She takes care of that."

"Not for long."

"They never take care of that for long."

"You're thinking of a wife, not a girlfriend."

"Girlfriends become wives."

"Good bye sex."

"That's why there are nymphs."

"Lucky us."

"Lucky everybody."

"So what other bad things can we say about him?"

"He's stupid when it comes to women."

"Aren't all men?"

"I'm smart."

"You only think you are."

"He wanted a harem."

"Doesn't everybody?"

"Well ... yeah."

"I bet his girlfriend liked that idea."

"They never do."

"So he is horny."

"Aren't we all?"

There was a long moment of silence.

"Well, say something someone."

"He's boring."

"That's better."

"Boring is better?"

"No. Saying he is boring is better."

"Sean fun. Stomp like."

"Do you want to know what is boring?"

"What?"

"This is boring."

"I can't believe that I came all the way back here for this."

"We have to have something negative to say about him."

"His mother is weird."

"Don't go there."

"Don't bring her up."

"Why not?"

"We'd be here for the next century talking about her."

"She is..."

"Don't bring her up."

"Okay."

There was another long moment of silence. Sean was looking around at all of the magic creatures gathered together. He wondered how much longer this was going to take. It wasn't very organized and he couldn't even tell who was talking.

"Say something."

There was more silence.

Chom said, "Okay. Judgements over."

Sean asked, "That was it?"

"That was a lot of work," Pip said wiping the sweat from his forehead theatrically.

Stomp said, "No work."

"What was the judgement?" Sean asked.

George said, "We all agree with one exception – you are kind of boring."

Sean asked, "You got everyone together for that?"

"That's the rule," Liam said.

Chom said, "As you know, we're sticklers for rules."

"When we can remember them," Pip said.

Sean asked, "Now what?"

"You go back to the dump," George said and then snapped his fingers.

Sean found he was buried up to his waist in garbage. "That was strange. I wonder if they decided I should get the next gift of magic."

Disheartened that he wouldn't be able to find any more gold, Sean headed home. Once there, he added the pathetic little link to his private stash of gold. It was really a pitiful amount of gold. He thought about how the amount of silver he had taken to the dwarves the previous year had determined how much he could pick up and how far his magic extended. Based on the amount of gold, his next gift of magic wasn't going to be too great.

He moped around the house for the evening. The only one who understood his sad mood was Suzie and she knew that there was little she could do to help. She had offered to give him some of her gold, but the fact that he had to use magic to get it put an end to that idea. His mother offered to make some meatloaf. At least that got Sean moving, even if it was to the bathroom.

Inspired, Suzie came up with a foolproof approach for cheering up Sean. The two of them went to bed early, went to sleep late, woke early, and got out of bed late. Sean had gotten a lot more practice on his silk scarf trick with Suzie as an ecstatic participant.

On the morning of Midsummer's Day, Sean was outside when Chom staggered out of the workshop holding his head.

"Hey Chom, how are you doing?"

"My head ... oh my head..."

"Hung over from the party?" Sean asked.

"No. I tripped and hit my head on the anvil," Chom said.

"Will you be okay?" Sean asked concerned.

Chom hit the side of his head with his palm. There was a rattling sound. He shook his head. "Much better."

"So am I supposed to show up at noon?" Sean asked.

Chom answered, "Sure, why wouldn't you?"

Sean said, "I don't know. I just figured ... well ... I'm boring."

Chom said, "Sometimes, boring is good."

"I'll be there with my gold," Sean said hoping that it would be enough.

The End

Chom frowned at that last sentence. He asked, "What does he mean, the end? The story's not over!"

"Yeah!" Sean exclaimed. "What happens to me? What's the magic gift?"

"He can't end the story here!" Chom said.

"I think he's holding out for some more sodas," Pip said coming out of the workshop.

Chom turned to Sean and said, "Buy him some more sodas."

Thur said, "He's going to do a Bride of Sean story. That's the Hollywood way. The writer runs of out of material and recycles it in a sequel."

"The Bride of Sean? That doesn't sound right," Pip said.

"After that, it will be The Son of Sean," Thur said.

Pip said, "What a sickening thought."

"I know. That will really be a pathetic story," Thur said.

Chom said, "I know. If this story was Magic, then the next story must be More Magic."

"I like the sound of that – More Magic," Sean said.


-------
The End
-------
Posted:  2008-06-11
Last Modified: 2011-09-01 / 09:23:04 pm
-------
http://storiesonline.net/
-------