Storiesonline.net
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                               Drawn Apart
                             by Jay Cantrell

Copyright© 2009 by Jay Cantrell


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Description: David and Julie loved one another but couldn't co-exist as husband and wife. It's been 5 years since their divorce and their lives have changed dramatically. Is it too late for a second chance?

Codes: MF FF rom
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Prologue


If ever two people were incompatible for marriage it was Julie and me.

Of course, that didn't stop us from getting married.

It's not that either of us was a terrible person or that just one of us was to blame for the inevitable breakup. We meshed well in every aspect of our relationship except for the ones that were integral to a successful marriage. We were terrific at being friends and lovers. We just weren't very good at being spouses.

We were 19 years old when we met and started dating seriously. At that age, long-term goals and future plans rarely mean anything past graduation. We didn't discuss where we wanted to be and how we would like to see ourselves in 10 years — or even in five.

Our personalities were opposite. I'm laid back and easy-going. I often act as if I don't have a care in the world. And that's mostly because I don't. I am content to sit around the house and watch TV or read a book.

Julie required constant motion and stimulation. She always wanted to be doing something or going somewhere. She craved success — and she wanted it immediately.

I don't consider myself stupid but I'm very unlikely to study anything that doesn't capture my attention instantly. At the time, I was more likely to be able to tell you something about the No. 3 quarterback for the 49ers than I was about the Three Tenors. I wouldn't classify Julie as brilliant but she seemed worldly and knowledgeable about a wealth of subjects because she enjoyed the research involved in becoming well-versed in a variety of matters.

The differences weren't as noticeable when we were dating. Our time was spent juggling classes, friends and part-time jobs. We would spend more time apart than together so the time we shared was treasured. The cracks didn't become evident until we moved in together after graduation.

We didn't plan the move very well. Actually, there was no plan at all. It was dictated by circumstance more than by a desire to live together.

I was offered a job a few weeks before graduation and Julie was having difficulty finding work in her field. She pounded the pavement day after day but the only job she could find was working in a diner for less than minimum wage plus tips. Simply put, she was having a hard time getting by.

I, on the other hand, lucked out.

I had worked for a small corporation part-time before my junior year and I interned in the personnel department there during the summer before my last year in college.

A freak accident left the personnel manager incapacitated for most of the summer so my 20-hour-per-week internship quickly turned into 60 hours a week of slave labor. Everyone in the department was in over his or her head and we knew it. I got all the crap assignments but rather than dig myself a hole, I simplified everything and muddled through. We managed to keep the paychecks coming and everyone relatively happy.

My reward didn't come until the spring when I was offered the job as assistant personnel director at the company minutes after my resume landed on the owners' desks.

Julie was an artist. She didn't paint portraits or perform classical music but there is no other way to describe her skill. Julie earned a degree in journalism but she didn't enjoy writing much. Her goal was to become an editorial cartoonist and eventually to produce her own satirical strip.

Her wickedly warped sense of humor and her quick wit had never ceased to leave my side aching from laughter — even when she was skewering me.

But the places she tried to gain employment either weren't interested or already had someone in place. She was struggling to pay her rent and utilities so I did the only thing I could think of — I asked her to move in with me.

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Despite my title at my new job, I've never been very good with people. My problem is two-fold. First, I believe firmly that every person is responsible for his or her own happiness and I don't really care if you're unhappy. The second is an offshoot of the first: I don't really relate well to others. I am friendly and cordial but I seem to be missing that portion of my brain that allows me to connect with other humans.

But I recognize my faults and I embrace them. I try to compensate where I can but sometimes there is little I can do about them. Julie and I learned a lot about the person we had been dating for almost three years during the first month we shared accommodations — not much of it good. During our dating years we were the perfect foil for the other. I doubt I would have graduated if Julie's personality hadn't made me take a look a little further down the path to success. My attitude gave Julie a chance to enjoy the scenery along the way.

But once we were around the other more frequently the more obvious portions of our outlook on life began to grate on the other. I'm lazy. I readily admit that. I'll further admit that the only reason I work is to have money for fun things. I don't mind dirty clothes on the floor and dirty dishes in the sink — particularly if the alternative is me getting off my butt and doing something about it.

Julie dislike the very thought of my dirty socks anywhere but in the hamper — I should probably note that until she moved in I had never even seen a hamper. She wanted the cereal bowl washed and dried seconds after the spoon left my mouth. It was awkward but we reached a gradual compromise. I refused to be a neat freak but I did pick up after myself more frequently. Julie refused to become a slob but if something bothered too much to relax she took care of it herself rather than badgering me about it.

We weathered that problem and several others during our first few months of living together but the handwriting was on the wall — figuratively, of course; Julie would have scrubbed that sucker down to the drywall and I would have spent two days painting over it if something had actually been written on the wall.

Instead of accepting that perhaps we weren't compatible, we did what so many young couples do when faced with a dying relationship: we ignored the evidence and rushed headlong into the future hoping things would right themselves. We refused to admit that we might have wasted the last three years.

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I know that immaturity and insecurity played a large role in our divorce. Once the die was cast and we decided to marry, the real trouble began.

Our fights were never loud and didn't include the hurling of objects at one another. Our battles were subtle and we kept much of what was bothering us to ourselves.

The stress level in the apartment lessened some when Julie found an alternative newspaper that wanted to run her cartoons. It didn't pay much but at least it was in her field. The tranquility didn't last.

I never got a fix on Julie's political leanings because she would lampoon each side equally. I hold a dim view of politics in general and politicians in specific so she would often have to explain her sketches to me. I would feel like a moron and it seemed to me that she was looking at me that way, too.

It didn't help that I was more interested in the cost of Dole bananas at Clinton's Market than I was about the choice of Bob Dole or Bill Clinton for president.

When Julie got into a battle of wills with the newspaper over the content of her political cartoons I didn't communicate my feelings to her very well.

The newspaper was decidedly left leaning and it refused to print a couple of Julie's cartoons that made fun of Democratic policies. Julie told them it was an all-or-nothing proposition. I thought I was backing her decision wholeheartedly but it seems that I didn't give that impression.

I told her that things would work out no matter what she decided. When I said that, I meant that I had faith in her and her abilities, that now that she had her foot in the door she was too talented for it to be closed again.

What she heard was that since she made so little money it didn't matter if she quit or not, that she couldn't carry her share of the financial load regardless.

I held no allusions about my long-term earning capacity. In fact, I didn't worry about it. I liked my job and I liked the people I worked with. It wasn't overly stressful and when I left for the day it was behind me. I made a decent living and I was home by 5 p.m. every day. I would have been happy with a modest house in a decent neighborhood with a couple of children running around.

I told Julie at least once (and I'm sure it was more often) that I would be perfectly content being a stay-at-home dad while she worked to earn the money. I was her biggest fan and I knew that her work eventually would find the mainstream.

Because she misunderstood my intention, Julie took my comments about her newspaper job almost as a challenge. Within a month she had a better job at a better paper. But with it came more hours and more responsibilities. The paper wanted a fresh cartoon for each afternoon edition so Julie would spend hours upon hours at night at her desk. She would be drawing a sketch, researching a topic or scanning channel after channel for updates on things so her work wouldn't seem dated when it hit the press the next day. More than once she fell into bed after midnight only to rise at 2 or 3 a.m. when a fresh thought hit her.

Our schedules were completely different. I still worked the normal 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. shift but Julie couldn't really start to work until after I was home and she would toil until the early hours of the morning. We no longer shared meals and rarely did we share a bed. As often as not I would pass her in the hallway. I was headed to the shower as she was headed to sleep. In fact, we rarely shared much of anything. She would routinely cancel plans so I quit asking her to go places or to do things. To me, each time she decided to spend extra time at work was a personal affront: she was choosing her job over me.

I'm embarrassed to admit it but I started to keep a small notebook in my pocket. It was titled "Things I Can't Compete With." Childish, I know. But it gives a perspective of the times, I think.

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Another problem we faced is that we each carried an idealized view of married life. My parents had been married for more than 30 years at that point; Julie's for more than 25. We had no idea what to do when the reality didn't measure up to what we expected. So we did nothing.

The gradual slide into martial discord became a full-fledged plunge into separation rather quickly.

I love the outdoors, another life-long interest unshared by Julie. Grudgingly, she had agreed to accompany me on a three-day camping trip. At least that's where I told her we were going. I had rented a room at a romantic bed and breakfast and scheduled a tour of the vineyard that produced one of her favorite wines.

We were scheduled to leave at noon on a Friday. On Wednesday, she told me she wouldn't be able to leave until after 4 p.m. On Thursday, she informed me she really couldn't get away at all that weekend.

I started to tell her about the actual plans but she interrupted.

"It's not about sleeping on the ground," she said in a voice filled with frustration. "I just don't have time to do silly things with you."

In times past when our plans had been derailed I had stayed at home or at least relatively close by. This time I took the trip as planned.

It was a little awkward staying in the Honeymoon Room by myself but I did it anyway. I had made sure to bring along my camera and I probably took 200 pictures of the inn, the scenery on the way and the winery.

When I got home Sunday night, Julie was in her customary spot — behind her computer terminal. I didn't say a word. I just grabbed her chair and slid her backward, popped the CD with the weekend's pictures into the drive and started a slideshow.

"This is the silly stuff I wanted to do this weekend," I said as I went to the living room to watch a Raiders preseason game.

Julie looked repentant when she came in a few minutes later.

"I'm sorry you went to so much trouble," she said. "But even if I would have known it wouldn't have changed this. I had work to do. You'll have to accept that."

I already knew this so I just nodded.

"Julie, I love you," I said. "But I don't have to accept it and I don't want to live this life anymore. I spend too many days and evenings like I spent this weekend — by myself doing things that I want to be doing with you. I give up. I quit."

She looked at me strangely.

"You're saying that you want a divorce?" she asked, seemingly aghast at the very concept. It was the first time the word had been spoken but I can assure you it was not the first time it had been thought.

"I don't know," I confessed. "If this is how my life is going to be, then I guess I do. This was never what I wanted, Julie. I wanted to share my life with you, not live separate lives together."

I moved into a new apartment less than a week later. We spent hours talking for the next few days but we could never resolve the fundamental differences between us.

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For the next four years Julie and I would talk to each other on the phone or visit each other about every other day. There were long periods where we would spend more quality time together in a month than in our entire marriage. We reconciled several times. In fact, we would live together about six months of every year.

The pattern was always the same. For the first few months I would be more tolerant of the tolls of her professional life. And for the first few months she would be more understanding about the time needed for a personal life. After three or four months we would find ourselves slipping back to where we once were. And a few months after that, one of us would move out. We swapped apartments so frequently that I finally decided just to buy a house.

We tried couples therapy. We took vacations together. I took a greater interest in her work. She showed more interest in things outside of her job. None of them worked for very long. About the only thing we didn't do was file for divorce.

There was no doubt that we loved the other. And I think we kept hoping that we could eventually find a way to make it work. But it was fruitless.

I've read that men marry a woman hoping she'll never change and women marry a man hoping he'll change quickly.

I don't think I truly recognized the most pressing problem that Julie and I would face. I don't think it manifested itself until after we already were married.

I'm not sure if it was because she was a daughter born to a man who longed for a son or if it was because of the difficulty she had in landing her first job but Julie was nothing short of driven to succeed. As soon as she identified a goal she worked as hard as she could — to the exclusion of almost everything else — toward making it a reality. I have no doubt that in the waning days of our relationship Julie tried to put forth the same effort toward making our marriage succeed. Some things simply can't be fixed.

I don't think changing me was a goal for Julie. Oh sure, she wanted me to stop living in squalor, but any human who shared quarters with me would find that to be a reasonable expectation.

During our marriage she never pushed me to find a better job or to do something more meaningful for a living. She didn't complain about money or the lack thereof. We would cut back our budget from time to time but she didn't fuss about the things we couldn't do — even when she had time to do them.

Our last foray into living as husband and wife was probably the best we ever managed. We had both grown up a lot and we each finally understood that we couldn't have everything our own way. We had to make compromises and concessions.

But the pattern couldn't be changed. Eventually work called her away again, this time to Los Angeles when she got the chance at a syndication deal.

For the first few months while Julie was in L.A. we would speak daily. We shared e-mails sometimes dozens of times per day. The original plan was for Julie to spend three or four months getting her contracts and contacts in order. Then she would head back to our house. That plan changed within weeks. She told me she loved L.A. and was considering moving there.

She didn't ask me to join her. I don't know if she already knew the answer or if she didn't want me to come. It didn't really matter either way. In Los Angeles I think Julie finally found a pace and a lifestyle she enjoyed. Our conversations got shorter and the time between them longer as time passed. The e-mails became forwarded jokes sent from someone else.

It was three weeks short of a year when I realized I hadn't spoken to Julie in a month. I could hear laughter in the background when she answered the phone and disappointment in her voice when she realized it was only me. Still, we chatted amiably for a minute or two. But I recognized before I hung up the phone that a portion of my life had ended. I have come to the realization months before but I fought it bravely. But, as they say, there is a fine line between bravery and stupidity. If I wanted to carry the thought of Julie returning home to me, I would have to move firmly across that line.

During a talk a few days later we agreed that a divorce was probably the way to go. It was difficult decision for each of us. We had been a part of the other's life for more than a decade and we had been married — off and on — for almost eight years. But in the end we both knew the decision had been out of our hands for perhaps years.

We said goodbye on the courthouse steps six months later. With a tearful hug and a meaningful kiss we ended our marriage and promised to stay in touch.

That was five years ago last week and I haven't heard from her since. She was just 30 when she moved to L.A. and I was sure her new friends and her new life occupied the time she wasn't working.

And I had too much pride to call her first.



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Chapter 1


The years immediately following my divorce were good to me professionally even if they were unkind to me romantically.

My boss retired six months after Julie and I signed the papers. She had been slowing down for a couple of years but her retirement still was surprising — at least to me.

Beyond all reason I was immediately promoted to replace her and ordered to restructure the department top to bottom.

It was easier than I thought it would be. I was given carte blanche to create what amounted to a human resources department which took care of hiring, firing and all matters relating to employee benefits.

I readily admit that I stole the format from a company similar to ours but it worked extremely well so I offer no apologies. Fresh off my success in reorganizing the department, I was told to refine our benefits packages which hadn't seen significant changes in 20 years.

During the revamping of my department I had shamelessly raided other sections for people that I believed would be better suited in mine. Some people who had been attached to the departments I was consolidating were reassigned and some took early retirement rather than face the changes. At the outset we had 15 people nominally attached to the department but I managed to reduce the number to 8 through streamlined procedures and the elimination of redundancy.

The people I brought aboard were wonderful. My primary role was training them to do their jobs. Once that was accomplished I let them do their work and got out of their hair. I could tell from some of the early questions that this was a novel approach in our company.

I convinced the owners to take a long-term view when approaching the new benefits package. We focused on retention and expansion. One of our largest expenses was training people. If we could keep people longer — with better benefits and a friendlier environment — I suspected we could halve our training budget within five years.

There was some grumbling about the loss of some programs that had been offered but it stopped once the new ones were fully implemented. Within 18 months our turnover rate had dropped 30 percent and we were flooded with resumes from people who worked for our competitors but wanted to join us. We moved into the expansion phase.

The expansion accelerated less than a year later when the owners decided to sell the company to a consortium with a multitude of interests ranging from manufacturing plants to real estate development. Again, against sound judgment, the new owners had big plans for me. They offered promotions to my entire staff — right down to the part-time receptionist who worked only Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons. We would still be based in our old office but we would have new responsibilities.

Within three years I had gone from assistant personnel director for a company that employed less than 1,000 workers to assistant vice president of employee relations for a company of almost 500,000. It was overwhelming but everyone constantly told me that I had earned the promotions and that I would do well.

I could only hope they were right.

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Five members of the staff accepted the promotion but the travel involved in the new job turned four people off. They were promoted anyway and were placed in charge of human resources of the branch that used to be our company.

There were still responsible to me, so very little changed in the day-to-day operations except their paychecks.

I'm not sure if there was a vice president of employee relations but if there was I never met him during my time as his assistant. A year into my new job I was handed that title and given an additional task. It was my job to try to find a way to ease contract stalemates at three of our union shops. The first two were relatively easy. The union was asking for programs that were already in the pipeline but that hadn't been announced. We just pushed the timetable forward and settled within a day or two — after exacting a couple of concessions from them, of course.

It was the third one that led me to Los Angeles.

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I had spent three days in Los Angeles listening to an unreasonable woman relate demands that could never be met. For some unknown reason, I thought repeatedly about Julie. I thought about how unreasonable some of my demands had been all those years ago.

It was after 5 p.m. when I sat down in my hotel and pulled out my cell phone. I still had one of her numbers stored there. I dialed and voice mail picked up before it even rang.

"Uh, hi Julie," I stammered. "This is David. Uh, David Newman. I know it's been a while but I was in L.A. and I thought I might treat my favorite ex-wife to dinner. My cell phone number hasn't changed but in case you need it, here it is."

I read off the digits.

"I hope things are going well for you and to hear from you soon. Bye."

I was certain that things were going well for Julie. Although I had never contacted her, I was pretty up to date on her career. A year or so after we divorced I noticed a link to a syndicated strip on Julie's Web site. I checked it out. Although it was drawn under a pen name, I had seen enough of her doodles over the years to recognize her work immediately.

The critics said "Tracy Takes Off" is "Sex in the City meets Doonesbury." I guess that was as apt a description as I could have come up with. The comic — for want of a better term — is in serial format. Although to my knowledge it had never been picked up by the newspapers where I lived, I read a couple of years before on her site that it appeared in more than 500 papers in the U.S. Not bad.

"Tracy" chronicled the travails of a newly divorced 30-something woman trying to make her way in the dating scene. I checked out a couple weeks worth of the series and I was impressed with the drawing and the storytelling.

I was not impressed by the way her ex-husband was portrayed as an arrogant, self-center jerk who tried to squelch Tracy's budding career as a photojournalist. The strip wasn't so much about satire as it was a morality play. I stopped reading the strip a couple of years before because I was having a difficult time keeping myself from e-mailing Julie and telling her that her ex-husband saw himself far differently from how she was portraying him. And from telling her that any problems she had in the dating world were her own creation. If she had been willing to be any sort of partner, we'd still be married.

But I was happy that she had realized her dreams. I was only hurt and sorry that it had taken leaving me behind for her to do it.

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I had no more than put my cell phone on the stand when it beeped to let me know I had a new voice mail. I hesitated to pick it up because twice the night before the shrew from the negotiating committee had called to tell me another thing she decided the company owed the workers.

Still, I punched in my code to check my message.

"David," a hesitant voice started. "This is Julie. I saw you on TV and I wanted to get in touch. I know you'll be busy this week but if you get the chance, give me a call."

She read off the number I had just dialed.

I tried the number again and got a busy signal this time. When I closed the phone it rang in my hand. When I answered I heard, "Phone tag; you're it," and a laugh and a click.

It was a game we had played in college when we had difficulty reaching the other.

I tried Julie's number for a third time and this time she answered.

"Hi, Stranger than Most," I said, another nickname from better times. It earned another giggle. I couldn't remember the last time I had heard her laugh at something I said.

"I am surprised Mr. Executive has time to call," she joked. "I must have caught you between the caviar and the aperitif."

"You caught me between the Big Mac and the French fries," I replied. I couldn't believe how nervous I was to be talking to a woman I had spent almost a third of my life around.

"So you've already had dinner?" she asked in a voice that didn't sound as cheerful as it had a minute before.

"No," I said. "You know a Big Mac and fries are just my appetizer for the main course."

The laughter returned. But then silence.

"Can we get together?" she asked. "I'd like to see you."

A knock on my door kept me from replying to Julie.

"We're heading out for pizza," Belinda, a woman on my team, told me. "You in?"

I tried to cover the phone while I answered but with a cell phone it's impossible without disconnecting the call half the time.

"Jot down where you're heading," I said. "I might catch up to you in a while."

Belinda raised her eyebrows in question.

I silently mouthed the word "ex-wife." This drew more raised eyebrows from Belinda.

"Oh really," she said. "I didn't know you had one of that breed. I'll want to hear more about that."

She wrote down direction to a spot not far from the hotel and left.

"So," I said when I got back on the phone. "Would you happen to be free this evening?"

"I've never known you to turn down pizza and beer," Julie said. "So I guess I better make myself free."

It couldn't place my finger on it but something seemed different about Julie. It was almost like I was talking to two people. One minute I could hear her chewing on the inside of her cheek — a habit she did when she was nervous or upset. But other times I could detect almost a playfulness in her voice. Both were foreign to me.

"I haven't quite figured out how to get around here," I said. "Can we meet somewhere close to the Hyatt-Downtown. I know L.A. is huge so we might be 40 miles from each other."

We weren't 40 miles apart. We weren't even 10 blocks apart.

"I'm at my studio," she said. "It's about a five minute walk from the Hyatt — not that I'm suggesting you take your life into your hands and walk here. But it'll take less time than driving. I can meet you at your hotel or you can meet me here. Or we can meet somewhere in between."

The nervousness was back.

"Are you OK?" I asked. "Julie, I know you. Remember? I can tell when something is bothering you. I just never really knew what to do about it."

I heard a deep sigh on the other end of the line.

"I'll meet you in your lobby," she said without answering my question. "I feel like taking a walk anyway. I'll see you in about 10 minutes if you're ready."

She knew even if I wasn't ready I could be showered and dressed and in the lobby in 10 minutes.

"I'll see you in a few minutes," I said.

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Julie looked as pretty as she had when I married her. I was standing off the lobby and I watched her unseen for a few seconds before announcing my presence. I couldn't help but reflect on how much I wished things had turned out differently. I really missed the girl I fell in love with. But I didn't miss the woman I divorced much at all. It was a shame those were two halves that made up a whole.

I watched as Julie glanced around the lobby and then pulled out a small compact from her purse. She checked her makeup and her teeth and fixed her hair a little. I shook my head. I thought she might have been living the life of "Tracy" a little too much.

I walked out from the hallway where I had been watching.

We exchanged an awkward hug and made small talk as we walked a couple of blocks to a little place where she often ate while working late.

Even in our darkest times Julie and I didn't have trouble talking to the other. But I guess five years apart makes a big difference because we couldn't seem to get past the monosyllabic answers.

"You seem to be doing well."

"I guess."

"Do you like your job?"

"It's OK."

"How is life treating you?"

"Touch and go at times."

Finally Julie asked a question that required explanation.

"Do you think about me?"

"Often," I answered.

"Fondly?"

"Sometimes."

"Only sometimes?" she asked as the corners of her mouth turned downward.

"Only sometimes," I said. "But I think of the good times more often than the bad, if that's any consolation."

It didn't seem to be much of one.

"You called me your favorite ex-wife," she said. "Is there more than one?"

I laughed out loud.

"My life is a little different now," I said and I thought I saw a touch of sadness in Julie's face. "In some ways it's better. I put some of the things I saw you do to use."

"Not too many I hope," Julie said and I was sure of the sadness now.

"I put together a few rules to live by," I said. "I learned a very important key to success: Never try something you know you're not good at.

"I'm not a good husband. I know that. So I haven't set myself up for failure again. Honestly, Julie, if I had more than one ex-wife do you think you'd be my favorite?"

I was joking. It was meant to be a light-hearted rejoinder to a silly question. She didn't take it that way.

"This was a mistake, David," she said as she started to rise. "I'm sorry."

"Hey, wait," I said. "I was playing. I was just trying to make things a little less awkward. We used to joke like that all the time."

Julie looked at me and then returned to her chair.

"I think of you fondly except when I read 'Tracy Takes Off, '" I said with a raised eyebrow. "When I read about how you think of your ex-husband."

Julie's eyes shot up and she leaned forward.

"Rex is not based on you," she said. "I don't know how you could have thought he was. He is nothing like you."

I looked at the table for a minute before I met her eyes.

"Julie, I told you before," I said. "I know enough about you to recognize that the things you draw are based on real life. Tracy's dad is your dad. Tracy's mom is your mom. I think I've even found my mom and dad in there. The Marine Corps colonel and the school teacher, right?"

Julie's eyes got wide and she nodded. I just looked at her.

"Rex is based on my ex-husband," she said. "But it's not you. You're in there, though."

I had lived with Julie long enough to know the time necessary to get a strip from concept to syndication. "Tracy" had been published within 18 months of our divorce.

"Oh," I said. I tried to look at her but she was staring at a space in the back of the restaurant.

"I'm an idiot," she said. "I met a guy when I first came down here. He said all the right things. He wore all the right clothes. He knew all the right people. I thought he was everything you weren't. We got married a few weeks after you and I divorced."

She sat silently for a minute.

"You were right," I said.

"Oh, I was right all right," she said. "He was insufferable. He wanted to control every single aspect of my life from where I went to how I dressed. He wanted to run my personal life, my professional life and any other life I might have found.

"He was everything you're not. That's for sure. He's an asshole."

Julie's eyes have never left the back of the room.

"It's why I agreed to the divorce," she said. "For five years I fought you tooth and nail every time you suggested it. Didn't you wonder why suddenly I was OK with it?"

I wondered but I had figured it out.

"I knew it was something like that," I said. "I didn't know you were that far along but I knew."

Julie's eyes shifted back to my face briefly before returning to the far wall.

"And you said nothing," she said. "You just let me go."

"You were already gone, Julie," I said with a little more bitterness than I should have. "You made your choice. What did you expect me to do? Run down and here and compete with Mr. Perfect? It would have ended the same."

Julie's gaze left the wall but settled on the table.

"You were having the time of your life," I continued in a gentler tone. "I didn't fit into the life you wanted here. Well, maybe I could have. I've proven to be pretty chameleon-like in the last few years. But I didn't want to. When you left you said you were coming home in a few weeks.

"When you decided to stay here I started to make plans for a life without you in it."

Julie balled up her napkin in what appeared to be anger.

"What if I had come home?" she asked. "I considered it, you know."

I doubted if she considered for long.

"You wouldn't have stayed," I said evenly. "You got a glimpse of the life you wanted and the person you hoped I would turn into. You would have been back in L.A. in three months. If you're truthful to yourself you know I'm right."

"You could have come down here," she said in almost a whine.

"Same thing would have happened," I said. "I would have been gone in three months. The only thing that would have happened if I had said or done anything back then is that we would have ruined any strides we made the last time we lived together.

"We sure as hell wouldn't be sitting across from one another now."

Tears were forming in Julie's eyes.

"It was two days after I got married again when I realized that I fucked up," she said sadly. "We went on a honeymoon to Maui. I was standing beside the ocean thinking about how often you tried to get me to do something like this. And thinking how much I wished I was there with you.

"That was even before my second husband turned into a complete douchebag. Once that happened I missed you more than ever. But I was too ashamed to call you, to ashamed to admit what I had done."

"It's the same reason I didn't contact you," I said. "I had too much pride to let you know that I missed you. And too much respect for you to force you to tell me something you obviously didn't want me to know."

Julie read off the first six digits of my home phone number. I looked at her blankly.

"I have dialed those digits perhaps 10,000 times," she said. "It's the last one I could never get through. David, I've wanted to come home since before I left Hawaii."

It was my turn to stare into at a blank wall. I was at a loss for words.

"You're Adam," Julie said breaking the silence that had enveloped us. "In the strip, you're Adam. Ellie's husband."

"I'm not a faithful fan, Julie," I said. "I read it periodically but I don't follow it."

We sat quietly for a few more moments.

"How long were we married?" I asked.

"Eight years."

"And we dated for almost three years before that," I said. "That's 11 years together, Julie."

She nodded and I'm sure she wondered where I was going with things.

"In 11 years, I'll bet we were happy at the same time for a grand total of six months or less," I said. "Different things make us happy. We didn't want to admit we could never be happy together so we kept on being miserable together."

"I was never miserable," she said quickly.

"Bullshit," I replied. "You were miserable any time that I would manage to drag you to something that interested me. I told you once that I wanted to share a life with you, not to live separately together. I think that's what you need to make you happy."

"You don't know me as well as you think," Julie said hotly. "Maybe, years ago, that is what I needed. But think about the last time we tried. Things were good. Right up until the time I fucked things up. I grew up, Dave. I've grown up more in the last five years. At least take some time to know the woman I grew up to be."

The food arrived and it seemed to signal that portion of the conversation to be closed. At least I hoped it was.

"I was worried about you when Global took over your company," Julie said. "I actually called your old office and talked to some woman who must have been 100 years old.

"'Oh, no, sweetie, ' she told me. 'They wouldn't get rid of him. He's the reason they wanted the company so bad. He got promoted. His office is right down the hall. He made sure his whole staff got a big raise as part of the deal. I get paid $1 per month less than the maximum I can earn under Social Security.' She sang your praises for a few more minutes so I wasn't worried any more."

Julie smiled and shook her head.

"I thought I might get to ride in and rescue you like you had for me after college," she said. "Instead I found out you're the rising star in the company. She offered to transfer me to your office — she said you answer your own phone — and I almost said yes just to tell you how proud I am of you. But I realized that you probably could care less what I thought. I had no idea you were a vice president. I didn't learn that until I was watching TV the other night. The business channel made it seem like you're a mixture between King Solomon and Ghandi when it comes to labor impasses. I really am proud of you, David, whether you care or not."

I'm sure I blushed.

"I fell on the shit wagon and came out smelling like a rose," I said. "I wish I could claim credit for any of this. But I really can't. It's just like when I started at the company. When my boss got hurt I managed not to bankrupt them and they hired me full time a few months later.

"I am a prime example of the Peter Principle. I have risen in spite of my own incompetence."

Julie got a hard look on her face.

"Bullshit," she said. "I wasn't there but I can tell you how it happened. It happened the same way it did all those summers ago. You took something hopelessly complex and simplified it and made it better. You found a couple of people who understood what should be done and you let them do it. You took the heat for the fuck ups and none of the credit for the successes so they worked harder and got more creative in solutions. You set the bar for the rest of the company to follow and you made sure they followed it. You forget, the whole time you were living with me I was living with you.

"I'm not so self-absorbed that I didn't see what was happening. You inspire a dedication in the people around you. The woman I talked to could have gone on for another half hour and never said anything that was unkind or untrue. I'll bet I could call half a dozen other companies that have dealt with you and get the same reaction. I'm just glad you do what you do. You could be a hell of a cult leader if you put your mind to it."

"I think you have a much rosier picture of me than is warranted," I said. "Part of what you say is right. I tell people my impression of what needs to be done then I let them do their jobs and I don't jump their asses if they make a mistake. I let them know they are respected and appreciated."

I grinned wryly.

"We might still be married if I had learned to do that in my personal life," I said. "I'm proud of you, too. I always was. Even when you were unemployed I was proud of the way you never quit looking. Now with the strip and your political cartoons, I'm amazed at how far you've come so quickly. But I never doubted you could do it. Never for a minute."

Julie smiled and reached for my hand across the table. I quelled the instinct to pull my hand back and let her take it.

"I always knew that," she said. "I wanted to succeed as much to prove you right as I did to prove I could do it. I'm sorry I ran away before you could see how much your support meant."

I paid the bill over Julie's objection and we walked back to the hotel. I kept my hands in my jacket pocket to make sure Julie wouldn't try to hold it again.

"Do me a favor," she said when we reached the lobby. "Read the last couple of years of 'Tracy.' Adam is an off-strip character. He lives only in the conversations Ellie has with Tracy. I could never bring myself to draw you for anyone else. The pictures I have done of you are for me alone.

"Tracy is who I am. Ellie is the life I want. See if that fits in with the life you have. And please let's have dinner again before you leave. Promise me at least one more dinner."

I did.



-------

Chapter 2


My door had barely latched before Belinda was knocking. I opened to find her standing with her hands on her hips.

"You got some 'splainin' to do, Lucy," she said in her mock Ricky Ricardo voice. It was one of her least endearing qualities.

"How long have we worked together?" she asked but she didn't wait for an answer. "You know my kids' birthdays. You know my husband's birthday. You know my anniversary. You probably even know my bra size. Why did I not know you had an ex-wife?"

I answered as well as I could.

"The important days in your life are important days to me, too," I said. "I feel that way about all of you folks. I don't want to schedule something late on your anniversary or early the day after. I don't want you to be in Topeka when your son's birthday rolls around. The fact that I was once married is not important."

Belinda looked at the floor.

"I know you're my boss," she said. "But I also thought we were friends. When we were eating we talked about you. No one knows anything about you. You get us a birthday present. You give us subtle hints that our anniversary is approaching. The only fact we knew about you was that you weren't married and you drive a beat-up pick up that probably has 100,000 miles on it.

"We don't know your birthday or if you have children. We don't know if you like beer or whisky. We don't know if you like pepperoni or mushrooms on you pizza. We don't know where you go or what you do when you leave the office. The only reason we knew you weren't married is because Karen's sister went out with you a few years ago."

I patted her on the shoulder. I could tell that it bothered her.

"I'm pretty private," I said. "I was married for a while. We separated and tried again and again and again. It just didn't work."

"I worry about things like that," Belinda admitted. "I know you do your best to limit the travel but..."

She let the sentence trail off.

"No one will ever be demoted because he or she wants off the travel team," I said with conviction. "At least as long as long I'm around. You have my promise on that."

Belinda chuckled.

"Oh, I don't want off the team," she said. "My time away is the only thing that keeps me sane. I look forward to a couple of days away and Jim and the boys have he-man days. But I can see how a few others might be worried. Is that what happened to you?"

This was crossing into territory that those who worked for me didn't need to be in.

"No," I said. "My job had nothing to do with it. We divorced before I took this job. My wife's work was more a problem than mine. It was very time consuming."

Belinda nodded her head quickly.

"So you make sure that we don't have that problem," she said. "I've seen you walk past a person's desk at five after five and turn off their monitor to send them home. What did your wife do?"

I was purposefully vague. I had seen cutouts of "Tracy" taped to Belinda's computer from time to time and I wasn't sure if Julie was out of the closet so to speak as the creator.

"She's an artist," I said.

"She's pretty," Belinda said and I looked at her oddly.

"You passed the pizza shop," she explained. "We all got a good look at her. You both looked nervous."

It was my turn to nod.

"It's been a while since we talked," I said. "I think we worried about hard feelings and things we wished we would have said years ago."

Belinda was sitting on the couch looking at me expectantly, as if I was supposed to continue. But I was finished.

"And ... what happened?" she prompted. "This is part of becoming closer. You tell me things like this. You know, like I told you how Jim's proctologist visit went."

"I could have done without that report, by the way," I said. "But tonight went about the same."

Belinda laughed like I was George Carlin and Henny Youngman rolled into one.

"Let me guess, part of being a closer friend is to laugh at things that aren't really funny," I said with a smile.

"That was so funny," Belinda said. "Comparing a dinner with your ex-wife to a butt scoping. It would have been funnier if her lawyer was involved. But I liked it."

I could only shrug because while I thought I was hilarious, my humor sometimes got lost in transition.

"Julie made a reference that you might help me with," I said, taking a chance. "It's a cartoon I've seen on your terminal from time to time."

"Tracy Takes Off," Belinda said. "It's so poignant. I read it all the time but Danielle seems to live it."

Danielle was another woman who worked with our team.

"Anyway, she said I resemble Adam," I said. "I've seen the strip but I don't remember him."

Belinda jumped off the couch and was out the door in a flash. She came back moments later with a startled Danielle in tow. Danielle was barely dressed and her face was beet red as she struggled to pull her night shirt down over her panties.

"Belinda," I said sharply. "What in the hell are you doing?"

"Yeah, Bebe," Danielle said. "I'm glad I had my shirt halfway on. I don't think nudity would have stopped you."

I turned my back while Danielle adjusted herself and Belinda waited impatiently.

"Tell him what you said the other day," Belinda declared.

Danielle looked at me questioningly.

"Yes, involuntary commitment is covered under the health plan," I said. "And yes, I will support your petition if you choose to file one."

Belinda shot me a glare and stuck her tongue out.

"I was getting to know David," Belinda announced. "Like we talked about at dinner. Now, what cartoon character does he remind you of?"

A light went off above Danielle's head.

"Oh, he is so Adam," Danielle said with a laugh. "Right down to his mannerisms. The way Ellie describes Adam flipping her off as he holds his nose with his middle fingers when he is frustrated. The expressions you use are exactly the same. I have cut out a hundred strips with Ellie talking about Adam to give to you. But I always chickened out."

I had never realized that I was viewed as unapproachable.

"Well, now that I've seen your underwear, I guess you can stop being afraid of me," I said. I hoped I wasn't creating a hostile work environment because our trip was financed by the corporation.

Danielle blushed again and I apologized but she brushed it off.

"So, tell me a little bit about Adam and Ellie," I said.

"Oh, you never see Adam," Danielle said. "You only know about him when Ellie visits for coffee. Tracy will talk about how horrible her ex-husband is. And Ellie will tell her that not all men are jerks. Then she'll tell a story about Adam. It's a line that runs mostly on Sundays' where she has more room. But she has taken a one-week arc of Adamisms. He is one of the most popular characters in the chat rooms, although some think Ellie just makes things up about him to perk up Tracy's spirits.

"I tell the people who say that about you," Danielle said with another blush. "Adam even works as a personnel director. It really is art imitating life. You don't know Emily Proctor, do you? Although I don't think it's her real name."

I assured Danielle that I had never met a woman named Emily Proctor. It wasn't really a lie.

"So how is getting to know David going?" Danielle asked. "Do we know his birthday yet? How about his favorite color?"

Belinda said she hadn't gotten to either yet.

"It's late," I said. "It'll give us something to talk about on the way home if we can convince that crazy woman that the union is going to wind up closing the plant if she isn't careful."

-------

I spoke with Julie daily during my L.A. excursion. The union was unwilling to bend on even the smallest point so my team and I left after a week to let the chips fall where they may.

I spent Saturday evening dining with my ex-wife. We kept the conversation neutral and I had a good time. She invited me to stay the night with her but I declined. She took my decision gracefully.

"Even when things were bad we were still good at that," Julie told me as she dropped me at the hotel. "If you change your mind during your stay, just give me a call. And if you want to get together for dinner again, same deal. You might not believe this, but I will make time for you."

I had hoped to spend another evening with Julie but this trip it was my time that was limited. We did manage to spend a little time chatting before I flew back north. As with our dinners, the conversations were benign. I didn't ask about her life in L.A. while we still were married. She didn't make any further comments about returning to my life.

The flight home from L.A. took only an hour but with security checks, flight delays and baggage claims it was almost four hours from the time I arrived at LAX until we all found our rides home.

Danielle and Belinda kept me occupied with their version of 20 (or 2,000) Questions. It was pretty innocent until we were landed then all bets were off.

"We are officially off company time," Belinda said with a grin. "You have ceased to be our boss and this is the time for personal questions."

I shook my head violently but since I was a captive in Danielle's SUV on the freeway for another 20 minutes, I saw no means of escape.

Still, I verbally put my foot down.

"This has been eye-opening," I said. "But I think we've learned all we should of the other for right now. I'm not sure how comfortable I will be a) sharing personal information with you and b) hearing about any personal information that you might want to share with one another."

Belinda and Danielle glanced at one another with smug smiles.

"So, how did your research project go, Bebe," Danielle said.

"It went well," she replied. "You would be amazed what a simple public records search can accomplish. Once you gave me the name I was looking for I just Google the hell out of them.

"For example, did you know that David's ex-wife is a cartoonist?"

"Why no. Hmmm, I wonder if I've read anything she's done."

"Well, her personal Web site said she is a political satirist. But there is a link to another site that I found most interesting."

"OK, OK," I said from the backseat. "You know the whole sordid story. Julie Whatever Her Last Name Is Now draws your favorite comic strip. It is not public knowledge and I think Julie would prefer it be kept that way. Julie told me that Tracy is based upon her; Maeve is based upon the person I was married to; and Ellie is based on how she would like her life to be. Rex is not based upon me but rather upon her second husband, a person I didn't know existed until a few days ago."

The women in the front seat exchanged nods.

"Was that so tough," Danielle said. "The more I thought about how similar the character was to you the more it bothered me. Then when Bebe told me your wife was an 'artist, ' well, it didn't take a rocket scientist to fill in the dots. She's still Julie Newman, by the way. At least that's the name on her California business license and her driver's license."

"Did you do a full investigation on company time or was it just a little snooping into Julie's private life?" I asked with frustration.

Either Danielle didn't care or she didn't notice the tone of my voice.

"Just a little," she said. "I didn't touch her tax records or her credit report. I redacted her Social Security number so no medical reports came back. And I did this on my own time with my own funds, thank you."

I sat back wearily and looked at the top of the car interior.

"This is why I don't let people into my personal life," I said to no one in particular.

"Look at it this way, David," Belinda said. "A guy from Danielle's past suddenly shows up. You can tell from her actions that their relationship ended badly but there he is anyway. Then you can tell further that something strange is going on in Danielle's life because of this person coming back. Are you just going to sit back and hope nothing terrible happens to her again?"

As usual, I didn't get the chance to reply before Belinda prattled on.

"No," she said. "I don't think you would. You would do a little preliminary check on him — criminal history and the like. If that turned up nothing, you might check on a couple of other things. That's all we did."

"You were off your game down there, David," Danielle cut in. "You were testy and distracted during the meetings and irritable of the evenings. I'm not used to seeing you that way and I was worried. Friends look out for one another."

I had been testy during the meetings with the union official but I didn't think it had anything to do with Julie. The distraction part, maybe, but my temperament was a direct result of the asshole I was forced to deal with.

"I admit that things didn't go as smoothly down there as we're used to," I said. "But I don't think it's because of anything our team did or didn't do. Moorman Industries will go under. The plant will close in 90 days and the workers will be out of job permanently. They simply wanted too much money for a job that requires very little skill. You know that and I know that.

"Perhaps some of my unusual behavior was caused by two people who shall remain nameless taking an unwarranted glimpse into my personal life."

The people in question did, in fact, have names and they looked at one another in the front seat. Far from abashed, they giggled and shrugged.

-------

I believe I have mentioned Julie's dogged determination when striving to reach a goal.

I fully expected the full-court press from her during my waning days in Los Angeles. She had made it clear to me that she wanted to give our relationship another try. Although I hadn't said 'no' specifically, I hadn't offered any encouragement.

What I needed was time to sit down and put my thoughts together. Julie seemed to have recognized this because although she offered nights of connubial bliss, she didn't press me for anything further. I was starting to regret that I turned down the offer of a renewed physical relationship with my ex-wife.

Her assessment was dead on: even when things weren't very good between us we were still very good together sexually.

I knew Belinda and Danielle would not let up either. Once they had set their minds to something they almost always saw it through to the end. It was obvious that they had set their minds toward taking a more active role in my personal life.

In some ways I didn't mind.

Both had encouraged me numerous times to spend less time worrying about them and more time worrying about myself. Once they found out about Julie and that I wasn't seeing anyone, they began to try to set me up on dates with their friends — and, in Belinda's case, her sister-in-law.

My personal life was almost non-existent. I hadn't had a date in more than six months and I had almost given up on finding someone to spend time with. What I told Julie was the truth. The time I spent as her husband had soured me on marriage. Sure, I still could see positive examples around me. My parents, Belinda and Jim and other people I knew had been together for years, if not decades. Each was happy with their situation.

The dating scene for a divorced male in his 30s is no better than that for a divorced female. I have reached a conclusion that it will be impossible for anyone to disabuse me of: when you are unmarried in your 30s there is a pretty damned good reason.

I recognized that I bore half the responsibility for the failure of my marriage. Most other people didn't seem to think that way. I had dated divorcees and, to a woman, each had blamed the entirety of their divorce on someone else.

I didn't want to be involved with someone who, first, had that high an opinion of herself and secondly, would refuse to share the load when times were rough.

I also had dated some unmarried women. My conclusion held true for them, too. I had found clones of Julie — women so obsessed with something they didn't have time for marriage — and women who were so choosy about their partner that there was no way I could measure up and I wasn't willing to try.

Dating someone significantly younger didn't pay dividends because we had nothing in common. We came from different generations, it seemed. I was only in my mid-30s but I found most of the women in the mid-20s to be less mature than I hoped I was at that point in my life.

So I found myself sitting in my apartment, nursing my fourth beer of the night and thinking about the 10 years I wasted with Julie.

But were they really a waste?

When a marriage ends — even if it doesn't end badly — one tends to reflect mostly on the tough times. I know that I'm as guilty of that as the next person. There were good times, too — the shared smiles at parties or clandestine meetings when we were newlyweds. But it goes without saying that the bad times overrode the good ones a hundredfold.

By the time I finished my beer, I had come to a difficult conclusion: it wouldn't hurt to try to become friends with Julie but there was too much in our shared pasts to allow anything romantic to develop. The fundamental elements — trust, caring and the willingness to put your partner ahead of yourself — could never be found once they were lost.

And they were definitely lost in my mind.

-------

It was a couple of days after my revelation before I picked up the phone and dialed Julie's number.

She sounded pleased to hear from me and for a moment my mind went back to the times I would call home during the day when we were married. The tone of voice was completely different. Then she sounded almost angry that I had interrupted her.

We talked for a few minutes, catching up on what had happened during the past 10 days or so. I told her that the closure of Moorman Industries would be announced in the morning. And she told me about what she had been putting together for the comic strip and the upcoming gubernatorial election.

"Oh, I should have called earlier but it slipped my mind," I said. "A couple of women who work with me figured out who you are."

I sat back and waited for the torrent of venom to come spewing forth. It was one of the reasons I had waited to call. I knew Belinda and Danielle would keep the information to themselves but I also knew that Julie might not accept that.

Instead of harsh words I got a laugh.

"Let me guess," she said cheerfully. "Bebe1972@gmail.com and DanniDimples@hotmail.com."

I sat stunned for a moment before I answered.

"Well, I can't be certain," I said. "But their names are Belinda and Danielle. Some people call Belinda by Bebe and Danielle has dimples. So that sounds about right."

"I got an e-mail from them about a week ago," she said. "They sent it to my personal e-mail listed on my official Web site not Tracy's site. It was a little disconcerting at first but both were nice and said my secret was safe with them. They also told me I better be nicer to Adam than I had been in the past. I figured out pretty quickly they were connected to you."

I was shaking my head but I realized that Julie couldn't know that.

"I specifically told them to extort money from you," I said. "I guess I'll have to paddle their asses. It's so hard to find good help these days."

That earned more laughter from Julie and I was extremely relieved to hear that she wasn't pissed. But I was going to have a frank discussion with Danni Dimples and Bebe1972.

"I know this sounds like a broken record," Julie said. "But I'm in the middle of something that I want to finish. Can I call you back in about an hour?"

I knew that Julie's hours were more like five hours so I demurred.

"I'm getting ready to fix supper and go to bed," I said. "I'll catch up with you later in the week."

Julie took a deep breath before she spoke.

"It's only 6:30," she said. "One hour. If I don't call you by say 7:45 you can spend five minutes telling me you told me so the next time we talk."

"Julie, it's nothing like that," I said. "I know you have commitments and deadlines. I recognize that far better now than I did back then. I also know how you get when you're in a groove. If you're on a roll in an hour I don't want you to drop what you're doing to call me. That's unfair to you.

"But I also don't want a call at 2 a.m. when you finish because you didn't realize that you'd been working for eight hours," I added with a laugh. "Remember, I need a good night's rest. I'm not as young as I used to be and I have asses to paddle tomorrow for bothering you. I'm a real taskmaster."

"I'll call you in an hour," Julie insisted. "I really want to talk with you. Like you said, I do have a commitment. But not just to work this time. I'm capable of focusing on more than one thing."

I saw no way out so I agreed but with a caveat. I would harbor no resentment if she called in an hour to tell me she couldn't talk.

-------

I hadn't even finished my dinner before my phone rang.

"Ha!" Julie said. "I called five minutes early because I get that time to tell you I told you so."

She didn't but she kept me on the phone for almost two hours. It was as pleasant a conversation as I've ever had.

"Let's go away next weekend," she said out of the blue. "Somewhere like Las Vegas."

I stammered while I figured out a reply and Julie kept going.

"I know," she said. "We can take a camping trip. You always tried to get me to go out in the woods. I think it would be fun. I saw an air mattress that I can sleep on. What do you think?"

I finally had my response formulated in my head. But it came out differently that I had planned.

"Why?" I asked.

"I just want to get away," she said. "And I want to be with you. The least I can do is to give you home-field advantage."

"Julie..." I began but she started talking again.

"We can even throw in some skinny dipping," she said with a giggle. "Do you remember that night in Monterrey?"

We had been dating for less than a year and we snuck away for what passes for romance to college kids — three days of drinking, screwing and sleeping in the same bed. But we managed to go skinny dipping in the hotel pool at about 4 a.m. We had a great time and I had always joked about a camping trip being the perfect place for an encore.

"Julie," I began again. "You hate bugs and you hate dirty. You live in L.A. If you put clean air in your lungs they probably would rebel. Plus you probably have a house with a pool where you can skinny dip at any time. I don't think it's a good idea."

There were more reasons why I thought that but I was content to leave it at those.

"Maybe we can meet about halfway," I said. "Do you remember the vineyard you always wanted to visit?"

I heard Julie sigh.

"I visited it," she said. "Let's just say it wasn't as much fun as it could have been."

My ears had to be playing tricks on me. I thought I heard Julie crying. I had never heard that before.

"I can't prove anything to you if you won't drop the wall, David," she said. My ears were right. She was crying. I didn't know what to do.

"The girl you married is back," she continued. "She got lost for a few years and she made some mistakes. But I found her again. You have to believe me."

A part of me really wanted to. But we had danced to this song before. The tune always changed after a while.

"How about a Giants game," she said. "The Dodgers are up there next Tuesday through Thursday. I can come up and we'll take in a game one day and maybe just hang out for a while. I can even stay at a hotel if you want."

"I'll see what I can do with work," I replied. "I can't promise anything until I check my schedule. Can I let you know in the morning?"

I heard a soft snort from Julie.

"You might have to work?" she said. "A familiar refrain from an unfamiliar source. If you don't want to do it, just tell me. I can't force you to let me back in your life."

It might have been the first time in 15 years I had said that I couldn't do something because I might have to work.

"Come on up," I said. "We'll figure something out."



-------

Chapter 3


I should have been a little more specific when I was talking to Julie. She took my invitation literally and two days later she showed up at my office.

I was on a conference call still dealing with the fallout from Moorman Industry's demise when I saw Julie, Danielle and Belinda standing in the doorway.

I lost my train of thought immediately and I couldn't seem to regain it even after they saw I was busy and left.

When I finally was able to get off the phone I found the three women sitting in the conference room drinking coffee. I could tell by the quick silence that claimed the room when I walked in that I was the topic of conversation.

"Don't let me interrupt," I said pointedly. "Danielle, Belinda, I'm sure you have some work to do somewhere."

Both women looked at me and shook their heads.

"All finished, Boss," Danielle said in a fake southern drawl. "You won't have to paddle our asses this evening."

I shot my former wife a glance but she was sitting demurely studying the writing on her coffee cup.

"We invited Julie to have lunch with us," Belinda said. "We really are caught up on things. Is it OK if we take the afternoon off?"

She knew she didn't have to ask. If her work was finished I saw no reason for her to sit in the office just for the sake of being there.

"I'll log you off when I leave," I said. "I apologize for the comment I made to Julie. It was meant in jest."

Danielle and Belinda both rolled their eyes at me as they got ready to head out of the room.

"You never know," Danielle said as she wiggled her behind at me. "I might just have enjoyed it."

-------

I spoke to Julie for a few minutes while her new buddies closed out what they were working on and we made arrangements to meet at 5 p.m. for dinner.

Danielle popped her head into my office before they left.

"Uh, David," she stammered. "About that, uh, in the conference room. I hope I didn't embarrass you. It was harmless, you know. I mean, you saw me in my undies in L.A. I just don't want problems."

I was one of only two males in the department when it started and it had taken some time to break the women from sharing intimate details in loud voices. Most of them had worked with only one or two others in their previous jobs and none had worked with a male in proximity. It wasn't unusual for them to discuss feminine hygiene or other things that I neither wanted to know about nor needed to hear about.

"I know," I said. "I shouldn't have made a joke about it to Julie. I can't see any problems arising from it. Just make sure you don't make that offer too many times. Next time, you never know."

I figured if she wasn't offended and I wasn't offended it didn't hurt to make light of it.

She laughed but there was an exaggerated sway to her hips as she walked away. She looked back over her shoulder and smiled when she saw me watching.

Sexual harassment lawsuit, here I come!

It was a few minutes before three when Julie called.

"Do I need to get a hotel room?" she asked and I could hear Danielle and Belinda urging her on in the background.

"I guess that depends if you mind sleeping in your car," I said as I tried to hide a laugh.

"Oh," she said.

I heard Danielle in the background and then her voice on the phone.

"What did you say to her?" she asked.

I repeated it.

"You better have been kidding," she insisted. "It wouldn't hurt you to let her stay."

"Well," I said. "I was going to do exactly that after I let her stew for a minute. But someone apparently grabbed the phone away from her. Now I can't let her stay with me because she will think it was your idea and not mine. I guess she'll just have to stay with you."

I don't think she could tell if I was joking or not. I'm not exactly known for my sense of humor at the office.

"Kidding," I said. "I'm kidding. If you'll just hand her the phone back I swear I'll make amends."

"My ass might not be the only one smacked," Danielle said and in a second Julie was back on the line.

"I'm sorry to upset you," I said. "I was kidding. You can stay at the house. I still live where I did last time you were here."

That brought an uncomfortable silence from Julie.

"I had hoped you had moved," she said.

"Moved? Hell, I haven't even changed the locks," I replied. "If you still have your key it still works in the front door."

"I probably still have the key somewhere," she replied. "But not with me. We'll still meet you for dinner. Any chance you can get away early?"

There wasn't and I knew it.

"Not today," I said. "I might even be a little late. I'm expecting another call in a few minutes. I never know how long those will last. I'll be no later than 5:30 p.m. though. I'll see to that."

I finished up a little after 5 and was getting ready to call Julie's cell phone to figure out where we were meeting when the sound of laughter drew me to the conference room.

There on the whiteboard, instead of facts and figures pertaining to our work, were caricatures of every member of the staff drawn in Dry-Erase marker. Julie was just finishing up when I walked in.

"I'll stop and get a new board on my way in tomorrow," Danielle said. "I think I can lacquer this one and we can keep it."

I nodded my assent. I had allowed the staff to decorate their workspaces in any manner they saw fit. The only rule was no offensive language or artwork. Since everyone in the drawing had clothes on, I saw no harm.

"Take the money out of petty cash before you go," I said. "Just remember the receipt."

"You forgot David," another member of the group said. "And there's no space for him."

Julie looked at the board.

"I don't draw pictures of David," she said. "Well, I don't share the pictures I draw of David. Maybe someday I'll put something together for you."

Everyone was looking at her to continue but I knew she had said all she would.

"OK, everyone," I interrupted. "You know the rules. It's after 5 and you're still here. Get out."

"You don't have to go home but you can't stay here," the group replied in unison as they started to the door. Julie was dressed casually so I was thinking about a chain restaurant for dinner. She surprised me.

"Let's stop at the market and I'll cook tonight," she said. "I assume you still have a few kitchen utensils."

The shocked look on my face was unmistakable. Julie hated to cook and she was terrible at it. Cooking was always my department.

"Uh, maybe that's not such a great plan," I said. "I have all the items necessary but I haven't checked the smoke detector batteries in, well, probably five years."

I was further stunned when Julie gave me the finger.

"I can cook," she stated. "Well, I can cook a little. I fix a steak and a salad and things like that. It would be what you ordered if we went out anyway."

Julie had taken a taxi from the airport so we loaded up in my pickup and headed to what used to our home.

-------

"I had hoped you got rid of this piece of crap, too," Julie said with a laugh. "You kept everything else and just got rid of me."

I replied with a shrug.

"Everything else still worked," I said. I instantly regretted it but I couldn't take it back.

"I guess you're right," Julie said sadly. "Maybe we can change that outcome this time."

I figured it was as good a time as any to come clean with Julie.

"I'm not looking for that kind of relationship with you," I confessed. "We can try to make it as friends but I think that is as far as I can go. I'm sorry if that isn't going to be enough."

"You've been upfront with me from the beginning," Julie said. "So I'm going to do the same."

She got a determined look on her face.

"I'm going to do everything I can to win back your trust and your respect," she continued. "And eventually your love."

I looked over at her.

"You've never lost my respect or my love, Julie," I said. "Until you confirmed my suspicions about L.A., you still had my trust. I just love you and respect you more when we aren't together."

I got an icy stare for my efforts.

"You can say that all you want about the person who left here five years ago," she said firmly. "I spent an afternoon with people who have worked beside you for years and they learned more in an afternoon with me than they have in all that time with you.

"You were never like that. You were friends with everyone you worked with and half the people you dealt with. You used to play softball and go to football games. We would go to barbeques and picnics. Even when I couldn't go, you would. Now you don't. You've changed and not for the better. So have I. If I accomplish nothing else, I'm going to drag you back kicking and screaming to the person you were. And I'm going to do it quickly. Once you're there, you'll see that our outlooks on life are similar."

I bit my tongue and watched the road. Over the years I had learned to temper my comments for the most part and this certainly seemed like the time.

"Go on and say it," she said. "I know I'm the cause of any changes on your part. I may be the reason but you're the one who let it happen. The same is true for me. You're the reason I've changed but I'm the one who made the decision to do it. You can say whatever you want to me. I deserve whatever you have to offer and then some.

"I was a lousy wife and a terrible partner. I didn't understand how important it was to have someone at your side until I didn't have you anymore. It took me another year to figure out that I had never been at your side. Our whole life had to be my way. You wanted kids but I said no. You wanted to spend time together and I said no. You wanted to be a part of my life and I said no. You wanted me to be a part of your life and I said no.

"I get it. I understand I did all that. You let me live the life I wanted to live even at the cost of your own happiness. I see that now. I buried myself in a hole and wouldn't let you dig me out. Well, you've done the same thing. And I'll be damned if I'm going to take no for an answer."

We were sitting the parking lot of the grocery store when Julie finished so I let it go. I figured we would have more time to hash out why our old relationship didn't work and why our new one wouldn't work any better. Because she damned sure didn't seem like she was going away any time soon.

-------

I could tell a wave of nostalgia washed over Julie when she entered the house she had called home off and on for four years. Nothing much had changed since she left. I hadn't painted or bought new furniture. I had taken over her drawing table for my purposes but it was still there. I still had the same comforter on the same bed as we had years before.

I hadn't thought much about it until I watched her go from room to room and look at things.

"It's like a time warp," she said wistfully. "Honest to God, David. It's like I never left."

She spun around and kissed me before I was prepared. I didn't push her away but I didn't melt into her the way I would have in the past.

It might seem to her as if she hadn't gone away but that fact was still fresh in my mind.

Julie seemed to sense my reluctance to pursue the course because she pulled away and grinned at me sheepishly.

"Sorry," she said. "I just got caught up in the moment. It's good to be home."

She caressed my cheek.

"But the invitation is still open," she added.

Once again I should have had my head examined because I bypassed another opportunity to spend time in bed with Julie.

We passed the evening with dinner and idle conversation but Julie was openly flirtatious with me. For a change, I flirted right back. We even snuggled up on the couch together to watch a movie at the end of the evening. It was the first time in I couldn't remember how long that Julie hadn't taken time to check the television or the Internet for breaking news.

In fact, her laptop was still sitting by the door where she had left it along with her sketch pad.

Her face dropped a little when I began to put sheets on the couch when the movie ended. I really wanted to spend the night with Julie in my arms but I knew where that would lead. And I wasn't ready to face that prospect just yet.

Julie greeted me in the morning wearing just a T-shirt and panties. It was her usual morning attire but it got my mind — and other body parts — into gear. We shared toast and coffee and more conversation. Even during our reunions, we had never shared breakfast together. Julie was often just going to bed as I was getting up.

I offered the truck for her usage if she would take me to work but she declined.

"I have plenty of things to occupy my time around here," she said. "I don't need transportation. I don't plan to go anywhere without you. Belinda said she could come to pick me up if there was some place I absolutely have to go. Apparently you don't keep your workers very busy most of the time."

Julie was probably right, but in a few weeks I knew the early departures and long lunches would be a thing of the past. In fact, I was supposed to receive proposals from new health insurance providers sometime that week.

Once I took a look at them it would be up to the staff to do the necessary research to see which one would work the best for a particular area of the country. That task would keep even the fastest worker busy for the next six to eight weeks.

I was besieged with questions from Julie's two newest friends as soon as I walked in the door. I was fortunate that one of the proposals — the one I needed to do the most work on because we had purchased holdings in the state for the first time and I was unsure of its laws — was awaiting me. I was able to forestall the inquisition for a while.

Still, one or the other popped into my office almost hourly to see if I needed help in getting things together or if I just wanted to chat.

When I arrived at the house shortly before 5 p.m. Julie was at her drawing desk with her laptop in front of her. The scene was so familiar that I forgot myself for a moment and wrapped my arms around her waist for a backward hug and a kiss on the cheek. Instead of shooing me out of the room as she had done for years she tilted her head back on my shoulder and wrapped her arms around my neck to keep me in place.

"Did you have a good day at work?" she asked. It might have been the first time I had heard those words from her in a sincere tone in 10 years or more.

I told her that I had been buried in paperwork all day and for one of the rare times in my career I had brought some of it home with me. But I had still managed to stop at the market. I figured it was my turn to cook since Julie prepared the meal the night before. There would be no steak and parsleyed potatoes tonight. Instead it would be hamburgers and French fries.

Julie started to log off the computer but I put my hands on hers.

"I'm going to fix dinner and do some research," I said. "There's no reason for you to knock off. I'll give you a yell when supper is ready. If you're not hungry now I have some other things to do. Don't stop on my account."

She smiled her beautiful smile and my pulse quickened again.

"I'm stopping because it's time to stop," she told me sincerely. "If you want to take care of some of your work I don't mind fixing dinner again. The Dodgers are on ESPN tonight. If you finish up maybe we can watch the game."

Instead of cheeseburgers Julie whipped up a delicious enchilada dish with rice. It was better than my plan and I managed to catch up on thing while she worked, humming in the kitchen. We settled in on the couch to watch the Dodgers and Astros do battle on the diamond.

I was surprised that Julie had become a baseball fan but she had. She knew the players for L.A. and the better-known ones from the Houston. She even made the appropriate comments at the appropriate times.

"Catch the damned ball," she hissed when the Dodgers third baseman allowed a grounder through his legs. "You get paid $5 million a season and I could have at least knocked that one down."

She even shared a beer with me.

When the game ended, she took my hand and led me to the bedroom.

"No couch for you tonight," she said. "If anyone sleeps on the couch tonight it'll be me. Understand?"

I understood perfectly.

-------

The next morning I awoke with my ex-wife in my arms and her body pressed tightly to mine. The alarm clock hadn't sounded yet but I knew it was inevitable. I tried to slip away and leave Julie sleeping but she grasped my arms.

"Call in sick today," she said. "Call in dead today. Just don't get out of bed."

I was tempted. But instead I patted her cute little naked bottom and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"C'mon," I told her as I rolled away. "I've got things that have to get done and so do you."

Julie roll onto her back and parted her legs.

"There's something that needs done right here," she said with an impish smile. "Me, again, and right now. Well, after I pee and brush my teeth."

I figured I could stand to be a little late for work.

It was almost 10:30 before I wandered into the office. Julie had come to breakfast with her trademark T-shirt but sans panties. We had made love on the bed and in the shower that morning. But the kitchen table seemed like too good an opportunity to pass up.

We christened her drawing desk when I got home from work. She was at her usual spot but this time when I slid in behind her to give her a kiss she moved my hands from her waist to her breasts. Then she stood, lowered her jeans and panties and bent over the desk.

"I've been thinking about this all day," she said. I had been thinking of pretty much the same thing. If this kept up I was going to have to make sure the little blue pill was covered under our health plan.

It kept up but Julie was able to use whatever was at her disposal to make me rise to the occasion. She dropped her head into my lap during a commercial later in the evening then straddled me when she was happy with what her mouth produced. By the time I staggered into the bedroom I didn't think I would even be able to reach quarter-mast for a week. But when Julie came out of the bathroom in a translucent white negligee and heels, I was ready to go again.

"I don't think we made love this often on our honeymoon," I said later that night as I held her close. "Not that I'm complaining."

I got a satisfied purr in response before she fell asleep in my arms.



-------

Chapter 4


I have to admit I was a little sore the next morning. I could tell by Julie's gingerly movements in the shower that she was uncomfortable too.

"Muscles I haven't used in a while," she explained after a kiss. "And portions of my anatomy that aren't used to visitors. Well, non-plastic visitors. Eight times in 24 hours. Not bad for a couple of old fogies.

"But if you come near me with that thing in the next, say six hours, we are going to have to find another place to put it," she added as she rubbed her butt against me.

Amazingly I got erect again. Julie smiled and patted my hard-on gently.

"Ask me again sometime," she said. "When he's not sore and I'm not feeling so sluttish. Or maybe when he's not sore and I am feeling so sluttish. Maybe tonight we can just kiss each other's boo-boos away."

I had a morning meeting scheduled with Belinda and Danielle — or Bebe and Danni as they had asked me to call them since we were friends now as well as coworkers — so the kissing part couldn't begin.

Julie rode into the city with me and claimed my truck for the day. Julie was, by all accounts, tiny. I always got a smile watching a woman barely 5-feet tall wrestle with a full-size pickup. The meeting with Bebe and Danni didn't flow as smoothly as they usually do. I guess my mind was elsewhere and it seemed theirs might be, too. We wrapped up a little before 11 and they asked me to accompany them to lunch.

I agreed and we wound up a deli a few blocks away.

"It's time for a heart to heart," Bebe announced. "We both like Julie so please don't take this the wrong way. We just like you more. Please don't jump in over your head. The past few weeks you've been like a totally different person. You've always been nice and treated us well. But lately you've been joking around with us and going to lunch with us.

"Just be careful, David."

I understood the motivation behind her speech and a part of me appreciated it. But another part took umbrage at their temerity for jumping back into my personal life again.

Danni seemed to sense this and moved to alleviate it.

"That's what we meant by 'don't take this the wrong way, '" she said with a smile. I saw why her e-mail address was Danni Dimples. Her smile worked as she probably knew it would.

"I know things are going well," she said. "And I'm happy for you. Just don't fall back in love with her until you're sure."

I considered what she had said and I realized it was good advice. In had been only three days and while those days had been wonderful we had managed three wonderful days before and I didn't want to forget how that ended.

"Good point," I conceded. "Things are going pretty well. But you're right. I have noticed some marked changes in her personality from what I knew before. But I have to see if those are long-term changes or just something for my benefit."

"How long is she staying?" Bebe asked with a glance toward Danni that I didn't understand. I admitted that I didn't know.

"You're not planning to go back to L.A. with her, are you?" Danni wondered with a worried look on her face. "She isn't trying to convince you to quit your job and move there, is she?"

I pondered the questions. I believed that Julie knew me well enough to know that L.A. wasn't a place I wanted to live. But she also knew me well enough to know that if things were going well for us, I probably would be willing to move there with her for a short time, job or no job.

"I don't think that's her goal," I decided. "I think she wants to come back here — to start over. But I can tell you firmly that I have no plans to leave my job or to move to L.A. I might visit her there from time to time but I can't see myself being happy living there.

"Perhaps if I could take my girlfriends along with me, it would be OK," I joked, earning a giggle from Danni and a head shake from Bebe. "But for now you don't have to worry about breaking in a new boss."

-------

Before I knew it five days had passed and I heard the words I dreaded.

"I have to go back to L.A.," Julie told me on Saturday morning. What she said next sent a cold chill down my spine.

"It'll only be for a few weeks, just until I get things settled. Then I'll be back."

I doubted she would remember but it was almost word-for-word what she had said to me five years earlier. I held my tongue but my countenance belied my emotions.

"Seriously, David," Julie said as she took my hand. "I just have to get some things wrapped up there. I'm coming back. I want to be here with you if you want me to be."

I dropped her off at the airport Sunday evening.

"I love you," she told me at the terminal gate. She put her finger over my lips when I started to reply. I think she knew I wouldn't be willing to share those words even if it was what I was feeling.

"Don't say anything," she said. "I know how you feel. I just want you to think about something. When I come back do you want me to look for my own place or move in with you? You know what I would prefer but understand if you want to slow down. Don't answer now. Just think about. Promise?"

I nodded and she removed her finger and replaced it with her lips.

"I'll call you when I get in," she said as she departed.

I decided that I should wait to see if she came back before I made up my mind about where she should live.

-------

If Julie's words were eerily reminiscent of her previous departure for points south, our actions continued the similarities.

For the first week we were apart we spoke on the phone for hours at a time. We talked about big things and silly things. We talked about her work and my work. There would be a cute e-mail waiting in my inbox every morning and I would wish her goodnight the same way every night.

But after 10 days or so it seemed as if we ran out of things to talk about. Our chats dropped off from an hour or two to 10 or 15 minutes. The e-mails became more sporadic as our lives got busier.

By the fourth week it was down to a phone call every couple of days. Then they stopped.

I left a voice mail for her on Tuesday night just telling her hi and to call me when she got the time. I heard nothing from her on Wednesday so I tried again on Thursday with the same result. There was no word from her Friday, either. No voice messages, no e-mail, no carrier pigeon.

Despite my friends' earlier warning, I took it hard. I had slept alone almost every night for the five years prior to Julie's reappearance. Hell, I had slept alone more often than not for the four or five years before she left. But in six short days I had grown accustomed to waking up beside her. I missed the smell of her hair in the morning and the warmth of her back against my chest.

I was disheartened. Again.

-------

Friday was the last day of work for one of my employees who was taking a new post in the corporation. We always had a going-away celebration for those who departed and this time was no different.

I usually stayed for the dinner portion of the evening but skipped out before the hard-core reveling began. This time I stayed and partied with the rest of them. By 9 p.m. it was down to Danni and me at the fourth stop on our bar list. We both were pretty well hammered.

"One of these days, boss, I'm gonna quit," Danni slurred. "And the moment I do, you and I are going to do the horizontal rumba."

Although I had heard Danni mention the horizontal rumba on other occasions, for some reason the wording struck me as the funniest thing I had heard in years.

"What's so funny," Danni asked. "I'm not ashamed to say I'd like to fuck you."

I said the first thing that came to my mind.

"No time like the present."

We stumbled outside and caught a taxi back to Danni's apartment. I have a vague recollection of some hot and heavy kissing and petting in the taxi and a dim memory of the two of us undressing the other.

Then nothing.

We awoke the next morning in an embarrassing tangle of arms and legs. Her full breast fit nicely in my hand and my other hand had found its way inside of her panties. Danni summed it up best. I saw her eyes go wide when she looked at me and I heard her mumble, "Oh, shit!"

We disengaged ourselves as best we could. Danni was certainly a nice-looking woman and I couldn't help but admire her trim figure. Her thin waist made her breasts seem larger than they really were. I couldn't seem to take my eyes off of them.

Danni looked around the room at the scattered articles of clothing. Then she smiled.

"It looks like things got a might bit outta hand," she said, reverting to her southern drawl. I remembered the feeling of her hard nipple on my palm and blushed.

"A couple of things got a might bit into hand," I said. She was still topless, wearing just a thong and I could see the red handprint on her creamy skin where my hand had rested for most of the night.

"Nope, nothing awkward about this," she said as she picked up a shirt and put it on.

Both of us were still wearing our underwear and the box of condoms was on the nightstand but unopened.

"I guess it could have been worse," she muttered as she picked up the box.

I flipped her with the end of my shirt. I wasn't embarrassed and I didn't want her to be, either. It had taken two of us to wind up where we were.

"I'll have you know that I'm of the opinion that it would have been pretty damned good. At least for me," I said and Danni graced me with a dimpled grin.

"Any idea of how we got here?" she asked. I simply nodded.

"Taxi," I said but her look told me it wasn't what she meant.

"I told you about my fantasies, didn't I?" she asked. "I told you that I wanted to, uh, well, you know."

"Possibly," I lied. I didn't think it would hurt the situation to be a little untruthful. "But I know I certainly wanted to be here. If we didn't work together, well..." I shrugged.

"But we do," she said and looked at the floor. "Not only do we work together, I work for you. That's why I never, well, you know I'm usually pretty upfront."

I leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Danni, I'm glad we spent last night together," I said. "And I'm sorry that it can't happen again. You're a beautiful woman and I find your personality and wit to be amazingly attractive. I hope you don't think badly of me."

She sat down on my lap, surprising me.

"If I thought I wouldn't hate working for someone else, I would quit today and you and I could go right back to where we seemed to have left off last night," she said. "But I think we should get dressed and get our vehicles. I don't think badly of you. After all, I can be pretty enticing when I want to be."

She wiggled her panty-clad bottom against my crotch for emphasis.

"If I don't flirt with you for a while, don't get the wrong impression," she said. "But I don't remember who was around when we left and I don't want any tales to get started."

I assured her that I remembered us being the last two standing so she could flirt all she wanted. I pinched her butt as I made my point. She certainly had a nice butt.

"It'll be tough for me after seeing you in your almost-naked glory," I said with a feigned smirk. "But I hope our friendship won't change because of this. I don't think last night was a mistake and I don't want you to feel bad about it. But if I were you I'd make sure you keep my office door open when you visit for a while."

She rested her head on my shoulder.

"My only regret is that I don't remember most of it," she said.

-------

I grabbed a quick shower at Danni's before we took a cab to the office to collect our cars. I was glad I kept a spare set of clothes in my truck because I was late for my weekly Saturday golf game and my house was in the opposite direction from the course.

I was almost at the course when I heard my cell phone ringing in the glove compartment. I managed to extricate it but not before the caller hung up. A minute or so later, it rang again.

"Yeah," I said as I struggled to get the earpiece to fit.

"Where in the hell are you?" Julie demanded.

"I'm almost at the golf course," I said, irked by her attitude. "Where in the hell are you?"

"I'm where I've been off and on since 5:30 yesterday," she huffed. "Sitting outside the house waiting for you to get home. Don't you ever check your messages? Jesus Christ. I started calling your cell phone when I got to town. I have a U-Haul full of my crap and no place to put it. I can't even get into the house for God's sake. I sat here until almost midnight before I got a hotel room for the night. I've been sitting here and dialing this stupid fuckin' number since 7 this morning. I was about ready to start calling the hospitals."

Well shit, I thought.

"It'll be a longer wait," I said. "I tee off at 10 so it'll be around 1:30 or 2 before I get back."

I heard a huff from the other end and I could picture Julie working up a head of steam.

"Can't you come out and let me in," she began.

I figured I would cut her off at the pass.

"You know, if you had bothered to call in the past, oh, I don't know, four days or so, you wouldn't be on the outside looking in," I said in a voice that let her know that I didn't care if she waited outside until Christmas. "One phone call. I left at least two voice messages and sent an e-mail since the last time I talked to you. I'm running late as it is and I'll miss my game if I drive out there."

Julie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Where were you last night? And this morning?" she asked quietly.

"We had a going away party and I got plastered," I said. "I wound up staying with a friend."

"Oh," was all the reply I got.

The heat and humidity did little to ease the aching in my head. Part of it was the fact that my brain was soaked in alcohol and part of it was that I knew Julie was going to turn her U-Haul around and head right back to L.A. when I told her about Danni.

I should have just canceled my game and driven out there. But I wanted to punish her for leaving me in the lurch for four days. And I wanted to avoid the eruption that was bound to happen when I told her where I had spent the night.

It was the fifth hole when the first real thought popped into my head. I pulled my cell phone and called Julie's number.

"Hey," I started. "Do you remember the bathroom window you used to worry about?"

Julie thought for a moment then answered in the affirmative.

"Big shock," I said. "I never fixed it. If you want in, you can crawl in that way. I should have given you a key before you left."

Julie's voice was lighter than when she had answered the phone.

"It's my own stupid fault," she said. "I wanted to surprise you. Surprise! Turned out to be a bad idea. I have to pee so I probably will crawl in the window. Did Old Lady Burkhammer finally die? I don't want her calling the cops on me for B&E."

I chuckled and told her that Old Lady Burkhammer was very much among the living but that her kids had tucked her away in some care facility after finding her roaming the neighborhood half dressed one too many times.

"If there are any problems have them call me," I said. "If you promise to be nice to me, I won't have your butt tossed in jail."

Julie's voice got lower when she answered.

"Oh, I can promise to be very nice to you," she said sultrily. "Or I can promise to be very, very bad. Your choice."

I almost left the golf course in the middle of the round.



-------

Chapter 5


I knew the promises of naked fun with Julie stood a high probability of evaporating once she found out where I had spent the night. Although Danni and I had not made the leap into full sexual union, it wasn't for a lack of trying.

Danni was an enigma to me. I hadn't been lying when I told her I found her extremely attractive. In truth, she reminded me of Julie 15 years before. Danni was playful and fun. She was flirtatious and audacious. But she carried herself with a quiet, sultry dignity. And those dimples! When she smiled it was like Mother Nature herself had taken the time to gently carve out the divots in Danni's cheeks. Coupled with a smattering of freckles that ran across her cheeks and over her nose, Danni was, well, cute as hell.

And she had a body that would stop traffic. She was large busted and small waisted. I doubt there was an ounce of fat anywhere out her body outside of her mammaries. Danni was easily 5-feet-9 but with her soft green eyes and light-red almost blondish hair she seemed delicate somehow.

Julie was the physical opposite. She always claimed she was 5-feet tall but I doubted it. Maybe with shoes on. She had dark wavy hair that seemed to be in place even when she woke up. Her eyes were dark brown — almost the color of chocolate — and they got darker with her moods. Julie was small everywhere. She had breasts, but barely. Her waist had flared some as she had gotten older but I still doubted if it were more than 22 inches. But she had a fantastic ass. When she wore a skirt there wasn't a straight man alive who wouldn't take a second — or third or fourth — glance.

Before her career took up so much of her time, Julie was fun. We would spend hours playing games or goofing off. She was a master at quarter bounce and beer pong when we were in college and the only time I saw her hair truly unkept was after a day of Go-Kart racing — an activity we used to participate in at least twice a month before we were married.

The first five years we knew one another it was rare to see Julie without a smile. The last five years we were married it was rarer still to see her with one.

And yet I loved her. Despite all of Danni's wonderful attributes — physical and social — she wasn't Julie. Even when Julie would practically barricade herself in the study for a week, I loved her. Even when she would break plans at the last minute, I loved her. Even when she was in L.A. and I suspected she was seeing someone else, I loved her.

There were many times in the last 15 years that I hadn't liked Julie very much. But I had always loved her. Just like I loved her then.

-------

It was close to 2 when I came home from my golf excursion. I was tired and hungry and hung-over. All I wanted to do was have a sandwich and an aspirin and go to sleep for 10 hours.

But I knew I had to tell Julie about the night before. I didn't feel guilty. I probably should have. But I didn't. I didn't feel regret. Any remorse I felt stemmed from the fact that Julie might leave again.

I found Julie rearranging my garage to accommodate the things she had brought back from Los Angeles. I wondered if she were wasting her time.

She smiled when she saw me and bounded over to give me a hug. The fact that I smelled like sweat and stale beer didn't stop her as it would have in our previous life. Instead she grabbed hold of me like I was the last life preserver on the Titanic.

"I missed you so much," she said.

"I missed you, too," I said truthfully but without much enthusiasm. I suspected that I would get the opportunity to miss her more frequently after the conversation that was coming in the next couple of minutes.

"I'm all sweaty, too," she said. "Why don't we take a shower and then I'll fix us a late lunch. I've been eating crap for the last week and I took out your garbage so I know you have, too."

"I think we need to talk about yesterday first," I said. "The friend I went home with was a female. We didn't make it to the main event. I'm sure we would have, though, if one or the other or both us hadn't passed out drunk first."

She glanced at me and smiled. I wasn't sure if what the smile meant but I hoped it wasn't because she had just remembered where the carving knives were stored.

She took my hand and led me through the garage to the kitchen.

"I was gone a long time," she said. "I don't doubt you had some unfinished business here."

I explained that it wasn't anything like that.

"I thought you were gone again," I said. "I didn't believe you were coming back. A woman told me she would like for me to go home with her and I went. I mean, there is a precedent for you heading off to L.A. and deciding to stay."

I didn't mean it harshly and I don't think Julie took it that way. If she did, she hid it well.

"I know," she told me softly. "The last week has been a disaster. I advertised the condo a couple of months ago. I had two really good buyers. Then the condo association said no to each of them. They weren't the Ken and Barbie types so the association said they wouldn't fit it.

"I can't believe they let me stay after Armando was gone."

I was the first time I had heard the name.

"Armando?" I asked.

"The jerk I married down there," she said and this time her eyes did flash. I couldn't tell if it was anger or sadness. "He bought the condo when we got married. I took it from him when we got divorced."

I definitely detected a note of triumph in her voice.

"Anyway, the two months of work I put in on selling the thing was undone in five minutes," she continued. "So I spent most of Wednesday on the phone with Realtors relisting it. I was plenty pissed off. Every time I would pick up the phone to call you I would realize you were at work or it was after 11 p.m. I should have sent you an e-mail. But somewhere in the middle of all this, I got the idea to surprise you.

"Then there was another matter I had to attend to. I have a, uh, friend down there. It's nothing emotional, purely physical. At least from me."

"Another Armando?" I said. This time it was harshly. "I should have guessed."

Julie looked at the floor. She had lied to me and I had caught her. She told me the first night that she hadn't been sexually active in more than a year. It's why I didn't have to run out to buy condoms.

"Not an Armando," she said. "Maybe an Amanda."

She was still studying the tile.

"Her name is Tara," she said. "She didn't take it very well when I told her I was coming back up here. I spent Wednesday and Thursday night at her place. Just like you, we didn't do anything sexual. I basically just wanted to let her know that I would still be her friend. I don't think a friend is enough for her."

"She really is a dear friend and I don't know what to do about her. I wanted to leave Thursday night but she seemed so despondent that I stayed. I met her a few years ago..."

I interrupted the narrative.

"I really don't want all the details of your sex life," I said. "If you feel the need to recount them perhaps you should start a blog."

"You think I'm a lesbian," Julie said. "You're angry."

I still wasn't sure. I was probably somewhere between angry and hurt.

"Do you remember the second night you were here?" I asked. "When we sat down and discussed, in general terms, the past five years. I don't recall this portion being mentioned. It makes me wonder if there are other things that you've omitted. I didn't care about the men you told me about. Well, I cared but I had already known so I, you know what I mean. I wouldn't have cared about Tara, either. What I care about is you lying to me. It must be an L.A. thing because I don't think it started until you went there. It sure seems to be a hard habit to break."

"I thought it would be the opposite," she said. "I thought you would be hurt because I played around with a woman. I didn't say anything because of that. I knew there was no possibility of disease. I didn't lie. Well, I guess I did. But I didn't know what to say. Just like I don't know what to do about Tara."

"And I don't know what to do about a lot of things," I said. "Telling you about last night was difficult for me. I knew I faced the possibility of you packing up and leaving again. But I did it anyway. I didn't have to. I could have told you a hundred different things and you would never have known the difference. But I thought you deserved the truth. I'll know better the next time I have a choice in the matter."

At some point I guess I had crossed the barrier into full-blown anger. When I came back from the shower, Julie was still sitting in the same spot. The warm water had not quelled my anger despite my wish that it would.

"What should I do about Tara?" she asked as I entered. "I trust your opinion. I don't know what I would do if something happened."

"I thought you said there is no emotional attachment," I said. "Sounds like you have an investment there."

Julie's eyes become coal black.

"Just because I don't want someone hurt doesn't mean I'm in love with them," she said bitterly. "She threatened to do something terrible to herself."

"What do you want me to do?" I asked just as nastily. "Do you want to buy a bigger house? We can bring her up from L.A. to live. That way you can dig for clams whenever the desire hits you."

Julie jumped to her feet and glared at me. I thought for a moment she was going to physically attacked me.

"This was a bad idea," she declared.

"Not being upfront with me from the start was the bad idea, Julie," I spat back at her. "Not taking the time to call me and let me know what was going on was the bad idea. Coming back here and basing a life on half-truths and mistruths was the bad idea."

She stormed out of the house.

-------

Her U-Haul was still parked in the driveway and the back door was still open. I didn't want the neighbors to think I was having a yard sale so I hooked my truck to it and backed it into the garage. I figured Julie could pick it up whenever she decided to.

I lay down on the couch and fell into a troubled sleep.

I awoke a couple of times but saw no real reason to get up. I was hungry but I knew that I wouldn't starve to death before I got some energy.

An hour or two after she left, I heard Julie come back in the front door.

"Thanks for pulling the trailer in," she said. Somehow it wasn't the way I thought our next conversation would begin.

"I didn't want your stuff stolen," I replied.

She looked at me sadly.

"I noticed you didn't start unloading anything," she said. "Should I read anything into that?"

I was unsure of where to begin.

"I don't know if this will work," I said. "There is always going to be a residual of distrust. It has nothing to do with Tara, per se, but she exemplifies my point. When you went to L.A. the first time, I knew, at some point, that you had met someone else. I didn't know who and it really didn't matter.

"I suspected initially that there was a person down there this time, too. You told me there wasn't and I eventually came to believe you. The gender of the person is not the issue. It never was and it never will be, despite my earlier inappropriate comment. Before we can talk about anything else, I need you to fill me in on anything else you might have left out. I don't need sordid details but I need to know if there is anything that I should know about before I am willing to discuss the future."

Julie nodded her head.

"Let's talk about last night first," she said.

I didn't know what more I could tell her. I wasn't going to reveal Danni's name because it wasn't any of her business.

"I was at a bar," I said. "There was a woman there. We went home together. We passed out and woke up together. End of story."

"Was it a woman you had slept with before?" she ask and I shook my head. "Was it a woman who will offer you the opportunity to sleep with her in the future?"

Again I shook my head.

"It was a one-time thing," I said. "If we hadn't been drinking it would have been a no-time thing."

"So you know this woman?"

"I know this woman."

"And yet you know you won't sleep with her again. Is it because of me?"

"It was never because of you," I said. "Perhaps peripherally but nothing more. At the time we made the decision neither of us knew that you still wanted to be a part of my life. I thought you were gone and had no intention of coming back. The reason we won't see each other in the future is not because of you either."

"I've always trusted you," Julie said. "And with good reason. I'm sure you've probably lied to me in the past. Things like you were OK with the way I was acting or that you planned to mow the yard when you had no intention of doing it anytime soon."

Her statement actually brought a small smile to me. I guess she knew me well.

"I hated to go back to L.A.," she continued. "Not because of what was waiting there. I didn't really want to deal with it but I knew I had to. No, I hated to go because of what was waiting here for me and what was waiting here for me to leave."

I didn't follow the line of thought.

"I know who you spent last night with," she said. "I've known since the first day I met Danni that she had a thing for you. At first I thought it was hero worship. Don't look at me that way. The people who work for you think of you that way. It's time you admit it.

"The more I was around Danni and Bebe the more I understood the dynamics at work. If Danni could find a way to keep her job and have you, she would do it. In fact, if Danni could find a way to have you without me in the picture, I think she would do it, job or no job. Why settle for 8 hours a day 5 days a week when you can have the leftover time instead.

"I don't know where you left the conversation this morning but I do know this. Danni Dimples isn't done with you."

"She's done with me," I stated flatly. "I can assure you of that. This morning was awkward. And you are off the point. Regardless of whether she has designs on me or not, I am capable of making that decision for myself. And the decision has been made. Regardless of what happens with us, I will not be spending any time with Danni outside of work. It's a simple as that. Now, can we continue to the important matters we need to discuss."

Julie sat stone still and looked at me.

"I've always had a fleeting interest in women," she told me. "In fact, if I would have cheated on you when we were married, it would have been with a woman."

"You did cheat on me when we were married," I pointed out. "We never filed a legal separation claim when you went to Los Angeles."

"You're right," she conceded. "But I was convinced the marriage was over at some point. Legally or not, we were no longer married in my eyes."

"It would have been nice to have been informed of your decision."

"You were, shortly after I had decided."

"I don't consider you avoiding all attempts to contact me adequate notice but it is a point we can debate later."

Julie's eyes were becoming darker. I found I really didn't care if she was mad or not. There was no reason for me to be angry by myself.

"I am not emotionally attracted to women," she said. "I am remotely sexually attracted to some women. Tara is one of those women. She is, however, my friend. She started out as my friend and I hope she will remain my friend. While I am not in love with her, I do care about her well-being. That is the point I am trying to make. As with you, I considered my affair or whatever you want to call it, with Tara over weeks ago. When I made the decision that I would prefer to be with you."

"See, your problem is this," I said. "You make a unilateral decision about things that greatly affect other people. When you decide something of the magnitude of, oh say, ending a long-term relationship, it is customary and, in most instances, necessary to allow the other person in on the information.

"I think if you're honest with yourself you'll agree with me. You kept me on a string and you're keeping Tara on a string until you see if things are going to work out the way you want. If they don't, well, the other person is still waiting patiently for your return. I'm certain if things hadn't gone well up here, you would have reconsidered your decision. Just as you would have reconsidered your choice five years ago if Armando had proven to be Mr. Not-So-Wonderful earlier."

Julie sat back in the chair hard.

"Is that what I'm doing?" she wondered aloud. "I put off talking to you. I know that. But I truly thought it should be in person and I couldn't — hell, I didn't want to — break away and come back up here. But with Tara, I wouldn't have reconsidered. I only put off telling her because I knew how she would react. It's this sort of thing that made me want to stop seeing her. She broke the rules, damn it. She knew I would never love her."

"I'm sorry, Julie," I said. "I really don't think I can get involved with you until you have matters resolved with her. I want to give you a little piece of advice from someone who deals with people every day.

"In my opinion she is manipulating you. I'm sure she is sad about losing you. Believe me, I know that feeling well. You said she threatened to do something terrible. May I assume she threatened suicide?"

Julie nodded but she didn't need to. I already knew the answer.

"Did she try?"

Julie looked shocked. "Of course not."

"Then she is playing a game with you," I said.

"She threatened other things, too."

"Such as?" I asked.

Tears came to Julie's eyes.

"She threatened to go public. With everything."

"Again, such as?"

"Our relationship, that I write Tracy, everything."

"Is there more besides those two?"

"No. But those two are big enough."

"So beat her to the punch," I said. "Tell her that you've decided to go public. That you're going to announce that you write the strip and tell everyone why you're announcing it — because a former lover is threatening to extort you. I mean, what's the difference? Who really cares, in this day and age, if you had a relationship with a woman? Anyone who does isn't worth your time. If anyone thinks you're a lesbian, I'll provide a sworn deposition on your behalf. Hell, if you want, we can leak a sex tape."

Julie's eyes were on her lap but she jerked them up quickly.

"I'm kidding," I said. "Well, about the sex tape thing. I would recommend that you take control of the situation. She will have no leverage against you and I can't anticipate any fallout. Maybe the Christian Science Monitor won't buy your editorial cartoons anymore but that's about all."

"But what about the other thing? The suicide?"

"There's nothing you can do about that," I said. "If you think rationally for just a minute, you'll see my point. Unless you're willing to be her lapdog for the rest of your life — or until she grows tired of you — you can't let that affect your decision. The simple fact is that people who threaten suicide are not the ones to worry about. It's the ones who never say anything that are most likely to do it. And if she's going to do it, she's going to do it. Again, unless you're willing to accede to her every whim for the rest of your life.

"The choice is yours, ultimately. If you think she's serious, are you willing to remain in her life in perpetuity?"

Julie looked thoughtful.

"You would allow that?" she asked.

"I would have no say in it whatsoever," I said. "The choice is yours. I can't decide for you."

"I mean, could we still be together if I decided that?"

"No."

"Then the choice isn't mine. It's yours."

"How do you figure? You've left me often enough to know that I'm not going to do anything drastic if you leave. But, if we do manage to find a way to be together, I would no sooner share you with Tara than you would share me with Danni."

"That's not the same," she insisted.

I raised my eyebrows and looked at her.

"What's different?" I asked. "You are convinced that Danni wants me to herself. I believe Tara wants you to herself and you are convinced that she will go to great lengths to achieve it. I am not, how did you put it, emotionally involved with Danni. You say you're not emotionally involved with Tara. I see no difference in the matter.

"But, again, we're putting the cart before the horse. I know you well enough to know that you're going to do as you want."

Julie was still staring at me. I took it as a sign to continue.

"Sometimes things aren't as they seem," I continued. "Manipulation is worldwide, I know that. It seems to be more prevalent in L.A., too."

Julie looked as if she didn't follow my reasoning.

"Think about the first time you went down there," I said, trying to bring her to where I was in the thought process. "Specifically, I want you to think about the week right before you were supposed to come home for a few days."

Julie eyed me warily. I wasn't sure if I was right, but the pieces seemed to fit.

"I talked to you that Wednesday," I continued. "You seemed excited as hell about getting out of L.A. for a long weekend. Remember?"

Julie smiled.

"I was looking forward to seeing you," she said.

"But you didn't make it home that weekend," I said. "Why?"

"You know why," she said. She was suddenly defensive.

"I know why," I replied. "I was wondering if my recollection matched yours."

"I had a meeting on Saturday morning," she said tersely.

"And what was the byproduct of that meeting?"

"Nothing."

"I remember what you told me afterward. Do you?"

"Yes. It was like he had never even looked at my work."

I nodded in agreement before I spoke again.

"Where did you have your meeting?"

"At a coffee shop. What are you getting at?"

"If you'll bear with me for a moment," I said. "You've been in the business for a few years now, tell me this: Have you had another meeting in a coffee shop? And have you ever seen the guy again or heard his name mentioned again?"

Julie looked at me strangely.

"What are you implying?"

"Tell me this first, then I'll answer if you don't see my point: What happened after your coffee house meeting?"

Julie thought back. I could tell she was trying to remember. Maybe I was wrong about the whole scenario.

Suddenly her eyes got wide.

"It was a few blocks from Armando's apartment," she said. "I ran into him outside the coffee house and he invited me to lunch.

"But that doesn't mean anything," she added quickly. I couldn't decide if she was defending the guy or refusing to admit she had been duped.

"Did Armando set up the meeting for you or did the publishing agent contact you?"

"He knew Armando. Armando showed him my work and the guy liked it. Is that so hard to believe?"

She was back on the defensive again and I could see the start of tears in her eyes. I did what I could to reassure her.

"It is very easy to believe," I replied honestly. "In fact, I would wager that the first or second legitimate person you met in the syndication industry had a contract for you the next day. I'll further bet that this person was recommended by your agent, not your boyfriend. I simply don't think the people Armando introduced you to were the honchos he made them out to be."

"Well, Armando turned out to be a bit player himself," she replied.

I stifled a retort about whose bits Armando was playing with because Julie was still talking.

"He had a lot of things that didn't turn out as he hoped," she continued.

I imagined things turned out as he hoped right up to the time Julie divorced him, I wanted to say.

"Like the museum display?" I asked instead.

"That was just a misunderstanding," she insisted. "There were a lot of things in the exhibit. I'm sure mine was there. It just wasn't displayed as prominently as we were led to believe."

I knew it hadn't been there. I considered whether to tell her the truth and decided she needed to know.

"It wasn't there, Julie," I stated. "There were more than twenty-three hundred pieces of satirical literature on display in the exhibit and not a one of them was yours. In fact, your work was never even considered."

Julie glared at me.

"How would you know that?" she spat. "I'm sure you didn't take enough interest to come down to see it. You could have offered to go with me."

I shook my head sadly.

"Do you remember the timeframe surrounding this?"

She gave me a blank stare.

"Labor Day weekend," I said. "You had promised faithfully for two weeks that you were coming home to go with me to the company picnic. Remember? I was getting an award. As recently as the Tuesday before you told me you wouldn't miss it for the world."

Julie looked hard at the coffee table.

"I'm sorry," she said finally. "I had forgotten. But that doesn't explain how you can say with so much certainty that my work wasn't in the exhibit. Hell, I had that on my resume for a year."

"I checked," I said quietly. "I talked to the curator, a woman named Masha, I believe. She faxed me the entire list of the exhibits and their creator. I asked specifically about you and she had never heard your name. She checked her files and she had no work of yours to even consider. Please believe me when I tell you that your work was never in that museum."

Julie's eyes got misty.

"Why did you check?" she asked. "It doesn't make sense. Just because I didn't come home?"

"It's when I knew for sure that you were never coming home."

Our eyes met across the table. Hers were filled with tears.

"Armando convinced you to skip coming back here every time you tried," I said, hoping my point was finally made. "Whenever you made plans, he created some fictional thing to keep you in L.A."

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you come to get me?"

I knew the answer would be painful for her to hear but I said it anyway.

"I assumed you were complicit," I stated tonelessly. I didn't want the anger and hurt that I felt to creep into my voice. "I assumed that you took an active part in it. And if I would have come down it would only have exaggerated our differences. You knew what was waiting for you here — or at least you thought you did. Was I supposed to drag you kicking and screaming back here? I may outweigh you by 100 pounds but we both know it wouldn't have been possible. I guess I could have chained you in the basement but that seemed a little self-defeating."

"We don't have a basement," Julie said offhandedly.

"It was only in the past few weeks that I put things together," I said. "The picture you paint of Armando led me to believe he wasn't all that he seemed. In fact, I would guess he was hoping to live off your money. He was smart enough to spot talent. But yours isn't that difficult to see so I don't give him much credit there, either."

"You must think I'm an idiot," she said. "Until you spelled it out, I never even considered the possibility. A meeting in a coffee house on a Saturday morning. What the fuck? You're right, I never saw that guy again. He 'forgot' to bring a business card to the meeting but he said he'd get in touch with Armando. Of course, he never did. Fuck!"

I was glad to see that Julie was accepting this with anger and not remorse.

"And now Tara's doing the exact same thing," she said. "I'll be damned if I let her. But I'm not giving her the satisfaction of claiming the credit. I'll have my agent send a release first thing Monday."

She looked at me smugly.

"I'll say a couple of people found out and I wasn't willing to lie about it," she said.

She looked at me hopefully.

"I'll say they work in an office with my boyfriend."

I bit my lip.

"That will serve as well as anything," I said. I hoped it was general enough that she would assume I was OK with both the release and the boyfriend part. I didn't want to get into why I thought we should wait for the second designation.

"What about the other threat? You know, to kill herself?"

I was outside my depths.

"I don't know," I replied. "You have to make that decision for yourself. You have to figure out what you can live with."



-------

Chapter 6

I was a little more distant toward Julie in the coming days. We still hadn't decided where she would be living — with me or on her own — but for now I cleaned out a spare bedroom that I had been using for storage and put a bed in there. I didn't always sleep there but I did occasionally.

Julie, I think, was hoping for a quicker resolution to our situation. But I just couldn't get let myself be put into a situation again where she could hurt me.

If Julie was having a difficult time separating work from the other portions of her life, I didn't recognize it. Every evening at 5 p.m. she would stop what she was doing and we would spend time together. We would take a walk or visit an ice cream parlor. We would hold hands and laugh like we were teenagers. But there was always an unspoken line that I was unwilling to cross.

On rare occasions she would pull out a notepad and jot down ideas but she wouldn't race back to her desk to put her ideas into pictures as he had in the past. For my part, work ended at 4 p.m. — OK, sometimes 5 p.m. — but when I left I didn't bring it with me.

The Tara situation didn't resolve itself easily. Julie's publicist gave the announcement that Julie wanted and it was greeted by a collective yawn. As I had believed, no one seemed to care. If they cared at all it was in a positive way. Besides, anyone who had seen more than a couple pieces of her work could recognize that she was the mind behind both her political punditry and "Tracy Takes Off."

At least it only took me one or two glances to know. But I might have had a head start.

Tara stayed in the background. She didn't contact, to my knowledge, Julie and Julie didn't try to contact her. I hated for Julie to end a friendship but I also knew me well enough to know that I couldn't commit to anything further until Tara was completely out of the picture. Perhaps it was selfish but I couldn't seem to forget what had happened with Armando.

The Danni situation also didn't resolve itself easily either. It wasn't a tense time at work but it was awkward. It appeared that everyone in the office was aware of Danni's feelings toward me long before I was. There were times I would see her with such a sad look on her face that I wanted to wrap my arms around her and protect her from whatever was bothering her. But I knew that I was likely the cause of her discomfort, so I couldn't help.

After a couple of weeks of watching someone I consider a friend studiously avoid me, I decided to face the problem head on. Probably not one of my better ideas.

"Are we going to be OK?" I asked her one afternoon when I managed to catch her alone. "I'm worried."

She smiled and the dimples made a reappearance for the first time in what seemed like months.

"We're going to be fine," she said. "I just have to work through some guilt and anger issues."

"You have nothing to feel guilty about," I assured her. "I don't want you mad at me. That's for sure. I don't feel guilty..."

Danni cut me off with a raised hand.

"I don't feel guilty about that night," she said sweetly. "I feel guilty because I hope Julie hurts you again. I hope she takes off and leaves for L.A. or Hong Kong or Timbuktu. I hope she drops you like she did last time so I can be the one to help you get over it."

Ever the master of words, I replied, "Oh."

"And I'm not angry at you or Julie," she continued. "A part of me is angry that I want to see her leave you again. But most of me is angry because I just sat around for two years and watched you. I didn't say a word. I didn't make a move. If I hadn't been drunk that night, I would still be sitting here pining away like a schoolgirl. It pisses me off that I let that opportunity go by."

I tried to calm the anger that I could see rising.

"Even if you had said or did something," I replied. "It wouldn't have changed the underlying circumstances. We still work in the same department and I'm still your boss."

Danni smiled at me again.

"I'm pretty marketable," she said with a grin. "I was approached discreetly about applying for the comptroller's job when Mark Jones left last year. About every three months one of our competitors tries to steal me away. Someone once told me I was selling myself short by working for a jackass like you instead of heading up my own department."

I knew who had told her that — it was me during her personnel evaluation the year before.

"Instead I stayed here," she went on. "I didn't want to be that far from you — even if it would only be a couple of offices down the hall. And I didn't want to have the last obstacle removed. If I left, there was no reason I couldn't ask you out. Then I would have to be willing to face the fact that you didn't find me attractive."

"A man who is not attracted to a witty, personable woman like you would be an idiot," I said. "I might be a jackass but I'm not an idiot. I just could never allow myself to think of you that way. When I did allow it, it led us here."

"Then there's Julie," Danni said. "I truly do like her. I would really enjoy being a friend to her. But every time I consider inviting her for coffee or for lunch, I picture myself leaping over the table and trying to scratch her eyes out for coming back into the picture. I don't think I would do that, but then again, I never thought I would wake half naked beside you after a drunken evening."

I smiled.

"I would guess you were about seven-eighths naked," I said. "That thong was pretty tiny."

Danni flipped me off.

"You know what I mean," she said. "I won't say I haven't pictured waking up that way with you before. But the circumstances that led us there were far different in my mind. In my original scenario you weren't tricked by a drunk when you were vulnerable."

I sighed.

"I wasn't tricked by a drunk and I wasn't vulnerable," I said. "I wasn't sober. I won't lie about that. But I was aware of who I was with and what I was doing. It was my idea to go home with you. I remember the taxi ride to your apartment and I remember us rushing to get our clothes off. I don't remember much after that. But I remember that I was as eager as you were. Most likely I was more eager."

Danni smiled her wonderful smile.

"It's nice to hear you say that," she said. "Honestly, I remember bits and pieces. You might be surprised that it was me who asked if we could just kiss and cuddle. You said that would be fine with you. Please don't think I regret our night. And please don't think I hope it will never happen again. But I do need a bit more time to work through my feelings before we can get back to normal. Or what passes for normal for us."

A week later she stopped into my office and closed the door.

She sidled up to my desk and plopped her shapely behind on the corner of it.

"You know, it occurs to me that there is only one portion of my anatomy that remains a mystery to you," she said in her fake drawl as she turned her knees toward me. My eyes were immediately drawn to the hem of her short skirt because I knew what she was talking about. A millisecond before I got a glimpse she hopped off my desk and moved to the chair.

"A little mystery is good," she said deadpan. "It adds spice."

A day later she begged off a two-day trip to Denver. When I returned, I found a letter of resignation on my desk and vacant terminal where she used to sit.

"Don't worry," Belinda told me as I stood there in stunned silence. "She took a job as the marketing director for Stroechine. She didn't want a going away party yet. She'll call you in a couple of weeks. David, this isn't about what happened. Well, part of it is. Mostly, it is about her moving up, just like you always told her she should."

-------

Tara came to the forefront soon after.

I was still reeling about Danni's departure — and the way she handled it — when Julie got a phone call in the middle of the night. She and I still weren't sharing a room every night, to her disappointment, I think, and I heard yelling coming from where Julie slept.

I raced to the room to make sure she was OK but I found her sitting on the bed, white-faced and shaking.

"Tara just told me she swallowed a bottle of pills," she said. "What in the fuck am I going to do?"

"Call 911," I said. "Tell them what you just told me and ask them to alert the L.A. sheriff's department and EMS. Give them Tara's address and they'll take care of it."

It was all I had. We were 400 miles away. I was trying to hide my anger at Tara for being such a manipulative cunt but I don't think it was working so I turned to leave the room.

"I have to go to L.A.," Julie said through her tears. I tried to bite back my retort and failed once again.

"People intent upon killing themselves don't call someone to announce it," I said flatly. "She is interested in dragging you back to her."

"What do you expect me to do?" Julie asked hotly.

"Send her a box of razor blades," I replied evenly. "Tell her if she's serious to go longways. If she's not serious then she should leave you the fuck alone."

Julie stared at me.

"When did you get so unfeeling?"

I gave a mirthless chuckle. "About five years ago," I said as I left the room.

-------

Julie did go to L.A., of course. I hadn't doubted for a moment that she would. In fact, she was gone for the airport before I got up the next morning. She left me a note telling me she would call me when she landed.

"I'm sorry, David," she told me when she called. "She needs me. I had to come down here."

I told her I knew she did.

"I'll be home soon," she said. That part I doubted.

"Whenever you're ready," I replied.

"What do you mean by that?" she asked with anger in her voice.

"I mean just what I said," I told her. "Come back when you're ready to come back. Don't come back before you want to."

"You're pissed because I won't do what you want me to do," she stated.

Again I gave the mirthless laugh from the night before.

"If I were mad every time you didn't do something I wanted, I would have spent the first 10 years we knew each other pretty much angry all the time," I rejoined. "I'm angry because you're allowing yourself to be played by a conman — in this case a conwoman — again."

"You don't know her," Julie said. "How can you say that?"

"I don't know her," I replied. "That gives me a better perspective of the situation. I do, however, know you. I firmly believe you're walking into the same trap as you did five years ago. When you want to come back, it'll be something else. She'll fall down the stairs or get mugged or wreck her car. You're both adults for fuck's sake. Don't forget that. She's acting like a spoiled teenager and you're acting like her over-indulgent mother."

"I hoped you would support me on this, David."

"I'm supporting you the only way I know how," I said. "I'm letting you make your own decisions. I don't think you can say the same about the other party involved. If you want unconditional support, I think you know me better than that. I support your right to make whatever decision you want. But I don't have to like the decisions you make. If you want me to keep quiet when I think you're making an error in judgment, I guess you shouldn't ask my opinion."

The phone was silent before I heard an outrush of air from Julie's end.

"I'm at the hospital," she said. "I'll call you later."

-------

Again, the lack of specifics proved troublesome.

My interpretation of "later" was later in the day. Certainly not past the next day. Julie's was somewhat different.

I was surprised when she didn't call me that evening. I was perturbed when she didn't call the next day. By the third day, I was boxing up her belongings to send back to her condo — which she hadn't sold despite two solid offers. I was in the middle of resealing some of her boxes a day later when my phone rang. The ID said it was Julie.

"Well, it certainly is later," I said in lieu of a greeting.

"Don't start," she said. "There's enough shit going on that I don't need it from you, too."

"I wasn't starting," I said. "In fact, I was just finishing."

There was silence on the other end of the line but she didn't rise to the bait.

"I want you to come down here," she said finally.

"What good would that do?"

"I just want you near me. I can't handle this alone. They put her in a psych ward for four days."

"Well, duh."

"What the fuck does that mean?" Julie asked. "You're starting to piss me off. You know that."

"Well, welcome to the club," I shot back. "I went passed pissed off yesterday when you didn't call. Ninety-six hour commit, it's called. It's state law. After a suicide attempt, they lock you in the loony bin for four days. Did they petition for an involuntary commitment?"

"No."

"Here's the deal," I said. "If you're serious and likely to do it again, they use the four days to petition the court for an involuntary commitment so they can keep you. If they think it's a cry for help — or an attempt to manipulate someone — they toss you in the rubber room for four days to teach you a lesson."

"Oh."

"I haven't even gotten the chance to talk to her yet," Julie continued. "I'm not family so they won't let me visit."

"Damn those gay marriage law," I said. "You would think a progressive state like California..."

Julie cut me off.

"I can't believe you're acting this way," she said and I heard the tears coming. "I need support and compassion. I don't need you to be an asshole. What did I do to piss you off so badly?"

I sat stunned.

"This is Julie, right?" I asked. "You left like a thief in the night to go down there. You tell me you'll call me later and it is four days before I hear from you. You've refused to confront this woman and you're playing her silly games with her. You've turned down at least two offers for the condo so you can keep a residence in L.A. I'm sure I've missed a few things but that's a pretty good start to the list.

"I'm still a person down at work and I'm up to my ass," I said. "But if you think it'll help, I can come down in a couple of days. Of course, if you would have called on, say, Friday, I could have spent the weekend with you."

Julie ignored most of my words.

"Why are you short a person? Did someone leave?"

"Danni," I said without explanation.

"Why didn't you tell me? When did she leave?"

"Last month when I was in Denver," I replied. "I didn't think it would matter to you. I mean, we don't discuss my work very much."

Again I was met with silence.

"How many times have you talked to her since she left? How many times has she visited you?" Julie seemed to be hyperventilating.

"None and none," I said. "You're wrong about what you're thinking. She took a job as a marketing director at a greeting card company. I figure you'll hear from her before I will. Anyway, I'll try to come down if you can convince me it would help. I mean, if you want moral support — such as it is — I'm only a phone call away when I'm not pissed off at you. If you want me to give you an ultimatum, that's not going to happen. I'm pissed at myself for trying to talk you into something you obviously don't want to do. And I'm pissed at you for not wanting to do it. And I know you're pissed at me because I'm not doing what you want me to do."

"And just what do I expect from you?" Julie asked quickly and none too nicely, I should add.

"You're mad that I didn't welcome you back with open arms and drop to one knee and propose the first night you were here," I said. "I'm smart enough to understand that part of the reason you're there is the distance I've forced us to maintain."

"At least you understand that much," Julie stated.

"But you need to understand it's a Catch-22," I said. "I can't let the distance close until L.A. is gone."

"So it is an ultimatum," she shot back. "I thought you said you wouldn't do that."

"It's not an ultimatum," I countered. "It's a fact. I've enjoyed having you in my life again. It's nice to have my oldest friend back. But I'm content with where we are even if we go no further. I'm just letting you know what I have to have for us to do that. This is the wrong time for the conversation. We'll talk when things aren't so up in the air."

Julie still wasn't mollified.

"What's up in the air?" she asked. "As soon as I get Tara settled, I'm coming back."

I tried to change the subject.

"Did she take something non-lethal or did she just not take enough?" I asked.

"What in the hell difference does that make?"

"It makes a lot of difference," I said. "If she took something that could kill her, you need to make sure that nothing like that exists wherever she winds up."

I already knew in my mind where Tara would wind up. It was part of what was still up in the air.

"I'm sure there's nothing there that would hurt her," she said.

I let it go and moved forward.

"If it's a prescription, you'll need to notify the doctor who prescribed it," I said. "He'll put her name in a database and it'll be harder for her to get it again."

"She wouldn't tell them what she took," Julie said. "So they pumped her stomach. Again, I'm not family, so they wouldn't give me the information. The doctor just said it was non-lethal. But I heard some of the nurses talking."

I must have misheard what Julie told me Tara had taken.

"Did you say Midol?" I asked. "Isn't that the PMS stuff?"

Julie said yes twice.

I couldn't help it. I laughed out loud.

"Well fuck me a runnin'," I said. "At least she won't have to worry about water retention for a while. So do you still think this wasn't just something to get you back down there? I mean, come on."

"I don't know for sure if the nurses were talking about Tara or not," Julie said. "That's why I have to stay here a while to be sure. I'll ask her, of course. But I doubt she'll tell me. If she does, she'll probably lie."

"So don't let her know you don't know," I said. "Act like you know for sure. But I want to ask you something?"

"Okay," Julie said hesitantly.

"Where did you expect me to stay while I'm there," I asked. I figured I might as well get everything out in the open.

"Let's see if you're coming first," she answered.

"Where I'm staying might play a big part in that," I said truthfully. "If I'm coming down there to stay with you and be with you, it's one thing. If I'm coming down there to spend 23 hours a day in a hotel room waiting for you to grace me with your presence or to need something, it's another."

Julie didn't answer me for a minute.

"What am I supposed to do with Tara if you stay with me?" she asked in a voice that belied more than a little anger.

"That's a variation of the question you have been asking for six weeks," I said. "I really hoped you had an answer by now. Really, Julie. This whole issue is becoming tiresome. I'll arrange things for a couple days off work. You decide if you really want me to come down there and let me know what you expect of me while I'm there. Then I'll decide if I'm coming."

I hung up without another word and finished taping up the last box.

-------

The next day started out badly and went downhill.

I told Belinda I might be taking a couple of days off this week so I needed her to be prepared to handle some of the things. Danni was overqualified for what she did so I exploited it. She took a lot of the load off my shoulders and was one of the main reasons I didn't have to stay at the office every night. Without her, I was still trying to find someone to whom I could delegate the responsibilities she always took on.

"Second honeymoon?" she asked with a twinkle in her eyes.

My demeanor and the deep sigh told her she was wrong.

"I'm sorry," she apologized hastily. "Is everything alright?"

"I don't know," I replied. "I told you Julie has a friend in L.A., right?"

Bebe nodded.

"Well, her friend tried to commit suicide last week," I said. "Well, not really but it appeared to Julie as if that were the case."

"And she went rushing down there?" Bebe said crossly. "Are you going down? Is she coming back?"

I replied I didn't know the answer to either question.

"I'm tired of not knowing," I said. "And it's making me an unhappy person."

Bebe looked at me for a minute.

"I guess this is a bad time to mention that Danni asked about you at lunch last week," she said with raised eyebrows. "She wanted to know how you're doing."

"I hope you told her I was doing a lousy job of finding someone to fill her place while still getting my work done and her work done," I said. I was still a little pissed at Danni, too. "I mean, I think she owed this company a two-week notice even if she did think I didn't deserve one."

Belinda looked at the floor.

"Uh, about that," she said. "She planned to give you a month's notice and to offer to help train her replacement. I talked her out of it. I thought she needed a clean break."

My strained temper was at its end.

"Why in the fuck would you do that?" I demanded in a much louder voice than I'd used in the office before.

Belinda's eyes got wide.

"I figured the rest of us could pick up the slack, you know," she said. "I didn't realize it would be so difficult to manage her duties, too."

"Yeah," I said in the same voice as I'd used before. "I'm known for that. I pawn fucking work off on you folks all the time. I practically keep you chained to your desks. You knew god damned well that I would end up doing all that shit.

"Ms. Sweed, I swear to Christ if you ever make a decision like that again, I'll fire you on the spot. Believe me when I tell you I can replace you far easier than I can replace Danni."

My temper didn't abate and, in fact, flared again a half hour later when Belinda knocked on my door.

"Not a good time, Ms. Sweed," I said crisply.

"Uh, you have a call, sir," she said. "Your phone is on Do Not Disturb so it was forwarded to my line."

I looked up at her.

"If my phone is on DND there probably is a reason for it," I said. "Wouldn't you agree?"

Usually it's because I forgot to take it off DND, but I was still pissed.

"Yes sir," she said timidly. "But it's a personal call. It's Julie, sir."

I glanced up again.

"Tell her I'm busy and I'll call her later," I said. "She'll know what that means."

Belinda was still standing in the doorway.

"She said it was urgent."

-------

Urgent is not a subjective term. It means it requires immediate attention. Of course, there are varying levels of urgency I realized after I had spoken to Julie for a moment.

"Are you coming down?" she asked immediately.

"That is not urgent," I replied harshly. "My ass is on fire and my hair is catching. Now that is urgent. Whether or not I'm coming down is not something that requires immediacy."

Julie was silent but I heard her taking deep breaths. Apparently her temper was as near to surface as mine.

"You're right," she said finally. "I'm sorry to have interrupted you. Belinda said it might be a bad time but I wasn't sure when I would be able to take your call. Tara is being released in an hour and I'm sure that will take up a great deal of my time."

I couldn't avoid the sarcasm in my voice.

"And what if I were planning to come down today?" I asked. "What if I could only be there today and tomorrow? It doesn't matter. I'm sure you're only responding to my tone. So, how's it going to be if I come there?"

Julie was thoughtful for a minute.

"Maybe I should call you tonight," she said. "I don't think it's a good time for you. Belinda said you're angry today."

"I'm extremely angry at Ms. Sweed today," I said. "It has nothing to with anyone else. But I am still angry with you, as well. If you plan to wait until I'm done being angry with you, perhaps next week or next month would be a better time to call."

"Fine, David," Julie said. "I plan to spend one night with you and one night at the condo. We'll alternate like that until you go home."

"Unacceptable," I said.

"Just like that?" she said. "Without further discussion, it's unacceptable."

"Yes," I replied. It was all I could say.

"Perhaps you'd be so kind as to explain why you find it so objectionable," she said.

"Two things, off the top of my head," I answered. "I'll go with the second part first. It'll never work. The first time, Tara might let you leave but certainly not a second time. I think you know that, too. Now to the first.

"I'm uncomfortable sharing your affections with another lover. Jealousy? Probably. It doesn't really matter the reason behind it. It's something that I won't agree to."

"I told you there was no emotional attachment on my part," Julie insisted.

I sat back noisily in my chair.

"And yet we're having this conversation," I replied evenly. "Fine, I am uncomfortable with you having sex with another person."

Julie laughed.

"There will be no sex," she said. "Tara will have her own room."

"Please, Julie, think for a minute," I said. "Remember you have your own room at my house, too. Tara will need to be comforted. And she'll try to kiss you. She'll start to cry when you pull away and you'll go back. She'll beg you to hold her for just a little while so she can go to sleep. She'll play on your misplaced guilt just like you let that idiot play on your misplaced insecurities the first fucking time."

My voice had been rising in intensity as I spoke. Although Belinda had closed the door, I saw several heads turn toward my office with concerned looks.

"God damn it, Julie," I screamed. "Will you stop being such a mindless fucking twit? You're not this god damned stupid, I know you're not. Open your eyes for one minute. Just one fucking minute."

My voice got softer.

"The first time it didn't matter," I said. "There really was nothing left up here to save. This time might be different. I don't really know for sure. You need to decide if you think it is."

I laid the phone back on its cradle without allowing Julie to reply.

I stood up and walked to Belinda's desk.

"Ms. Sweed," I said in an even tone. "I have three weeks of unused personal time coming to me. I'm taking them effective immediately. You're in charge of the office. If it's something you can handle, handle it. If it's something you can't handle, find someone who can. If you find that no one can handle it, set it aside until I come back or they hire someone to replace me. If anyone asks, tell them I said 'Fuck it. I'm outta here.'"

I dropped my cell phone into the waste can and headed toward the elevator. As I waited for the car, the rest of the office sat in stunned silence. But I heard an outburst of excited murmuring as the door was closing.

-------

There were already 12 messages on my answering machine when I walked into my house. I ignored them completely. I tossed some things into a suitcase, grabbed some aspirin out of the bathroom for my splitting headache and headed for the open road. I'm not sure I even bothered to lock the doors.

Eight hours of driving later I found my destination. There was no way in hell I was driving to L.A. Instead I headed north to Oregon. I found a room at a bed and breakfast and went inside to take stock of my life.



-------

Chapter 7


I had been a step off kilter since my trip to L.A. almost five months before. Julie's return, departure, return and departure; Danni's revelation and departure; the failure to keep the L.A. plant open; the amount of work involving in bring our programs to new states and, now, new countries. I probably could have handled any of them on their own without too much worry.

But I couldn't handle all of them at once. Some things were out of my hands: Danni wasn't returning to work, I knew that; the company wasn't going to stop expanding any time soon, I knew that as well; the L.A. plant was dead.

That left only the personal situations with Danni and Julie as something I could make decisions about on my own. Perhaps not even Danni now, I thought, which whittled the list down to Julie.

But I had something else I needed to do first.

I went to a pay phone and called Belinda's office line. I knew it would ring to voice mail and that she would never be able to track where I was calling from.

"Bebe," I said into the receiver. "I'm sorry about today. There is no excuse for me to berate you in front of everyone. It was unprofessional and uncalled for. I promise to try to make amends when I return. I just wanted you to know that I'm fine and I'm safe. So there is no need to worry about it. Trust me, I know you well enough to know that you are worried. Well, you can stop.

"I'll be out of contact for perhaps as long as the 30th. But rest assured, I have faith in you to keep things running fine. My office is unlocked, so you can access any material you need to from there. You know my password, I'm sure. If you don't, it's taped on the bottom of the stapler. Not very secure, I know. But I figured it needed to be somewhere. Anyway, take care and please don't think any of this is your fault. It's not. I just felt myself spinning a tiny bit out of control — I'm sure you didn't notice — so I need to take a break from it all. Bye."

I felt better about my departure once I hung up the phone. It had been extremely selfish to toss Bebe into the fire as I had. Now I just had to figure out what do about the rest of my life.

-------

It only took me a couple of days to reach a decision. I would do nothing.

Julie knew where she stood. I hadn't wanted to put her in a do-or-die situation but she was right. I had.

Somehow that didn't bother me much. I told her what she needed to do for us to be able to move forward. Of course, just because she left L.A. behind didn't mean we would necessarily be able to make things work.

I had come to realize that the problems we faced the first time had disappeared. We had figured out what the problem was — albeit after five years apart — and they seemed to be resolved. But new problems, problems just as potentially fatal to a relationship as the others, had taken their place.

I know I was biased but I didn't find what I was asking Julie to do as unreasonable. Before I could cross the line to anything resembling commitment, I had to know that Julie was just as committed as I was. Keeping a house and life in L.A. didn't exactly seem like commitment to me.

At the same time, I understood why she wanted the security of having someplace to call home if she didn't wind up in my life. I didn't have to face the prospect of abandoning my life for something that might not be possible.

But I knew I had to let whatever was going to happen in Los Angeles unfold before I could do anything else.

After I recognized that fact of life, I spent another two and a half weeks relaxing. I took hikes in the woods and spent afternoons at the shore. I went bird watching and fishing. I drove to Eugene to watch a college baseball game and spent two days camping in the Cascades.

When I crossed the California and Oregon state line late on the 29th, I was far calmer than I had been 20 days earlier when I crossed in the opposite direction. If I learned nothing else during my vacation, I learned that there was a happy medium. Even if nothing worked out, I would be just fine if I was alone for a while.

After Julie and I divorced I had stopped doing a lot of things I enjoyed. She was right when she told me that I had changed. I barricaded myself behind some invisible barrier. My promotion only added to the level of security I placed between me and those around me. I stopped playing softball and going camping. I didn't socialize and I didn't travel.

Even if Julie had moved all of her belongings out the house and Danni had gotten married in the three weeks I'd gone AWOL, I wasn't going to let that happen again.

-------

Of course, neither of those things happened. Julie's boxes were still piled in the garage when I'd left them. But she wasn't at the house. A part of me expected that she would be. I couldn't figure out if the feeling I had was disappointment or happiness. I think it might have been a mixture of both.

It was about 8 p.m. on Saturday night when I unlocked my door and stepped inside the house. The mail was stacked neatly on the end table, so someone had been there. The refrigerator didn't hold a houseful of mold, so someone had been there recently. Even the milk wasn't spoiled.

There was even a six-pack of beer — crappy beer, to be sure — but beer nonetheless. I pulled one out and sat down on the couch. The answering machine read zero so Julie must have erased them. I hope she listened to them first. One or two might not have been from her or Belinda.

Who was I kidding? Well, Danni might have called, I thought with a chuckle. I decided to head into the city for a few minutes to check make sure my office hadn't been burned. I was pleased to find my name still on the nameplate on my office door. I had wondered for a while if I would still have a job after my exit.

I guessed I still did.

I closed the door and fired up the computer to see if my crew had kept everything rolling. A cursory glance told me that everything pressing had been dealt with. I had just finished reviewing some of the details of a contract when I saw the elevator doors open and Belinda hustle out.

I glanced at the clock on the computer. It was almost 9 p.m. She didn't stop at her terminal but headed straight for my office.

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"I might ask you the same question," I said with a smile to let her know that I wasn't angry. "I just wanted to see if everything was OK and if I still had a job. If I didn't, I was going back on vacation."

Belinda smiled.

"Your job sucks," she said succinctly. "When you add in Danni's job, it double sucks."

I shrugged.

"You still haven't answered my question," I said. "Why are you here at 9:08 p.m. on a Friday? Your boss would be highly pissed if he knew."

Belinda smiled and shook her head.

"My boss is on vacation," she said. "He won't be back until Monday morning. What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

"And yet you seemed to know he was here," I said. I thought she knew I was here when she headed straight for my office. I knew it for sure when she didn't bother to check to see if the door was locked.

Belinda eyes shifted nervously.

"Just never mind why I'm here," she said. "Everything here is fine so you just get on home. You are heading home, right?"

"Eventually," I replied. "I want to look at a few more things. I've been incommunicado for almost three weeks."

"Don't remind me," she said. "You have no meetings that I know of scheduled for next week. I really wasn't sure if you were coming back. But your password doesn't work for your e-mail."

She looked upset.

"So if someone sent something there, I wouldn't know about it," she continued.

"Bebe, is something wrong?" I asked. "You did a great job while I was gone. Don't worry about that. I won't hold you accountable for anything sent via e-mail that didn't get addressed. You know me better than that. I sometimes get confidential things sent to me that way. Don't ask me why. It's a terrible way to handle something personal. But yet, every couple of days someone's personnel file comes via e-mail.

"Did someone mention sending something to me? Is that why you're upset? I promise, don't sweat it. Whatever it is, I'll handle it and made sure that any fallout lands on me, not you."

"It's nothing," Belinda said. "Well, we didn't exactly part on good terms."

I laughed.

"Do you think I might have overreacted a little bit?" I asked rolling my eyes. "I can't tell you how badly I feel about the way I treated you. When you come back from your vacation, I will apologize to you in front of everyone."

"I'm not scheduled for vacation until Thanksgiving," Belinda said.

"Yeah, about that," I said. "I was going to call you in the morning. I think there are about two weeks before school starts, right?"

Belinda nodded.

"You have two weeks off with pay," I said. "And I want to pay for a week in Monterrey for you and Jim if you can get your mom to watch the boys. It's a thank you for all you do. Not just when I went mental, but before that, too. I figure a week at home with the boys and a week for just the two of you. If Jim can't do it now, we'll find a way to work it out for you."

Belinda stared at me.

"I was a little worried," she said as she sat down. "I thought you might just say to hell with it. I know things with Julie have been rough. I know I didn't help anything by what I did with Danni's departure either."

I waved my hand dismissively.

"Under the bridge," I said. "Whatever happens with Julie, I'll be fine. Whatever happens with Danni, I'll be fine. But I will not be fine if I lose your friendship because I was selfish and insensitive. You bore the brunt of my problems, through no fault of your own. Danni is your friend and you gave a friend advice. Just because it inconvenienced me does not give me a reason to be angry at you. And please believe me when I tell you that I rescind any threat I may have made directly or implied during my tirade.

"The only way you're leaving here is if you take a new job or retire if I have anything to say about it."

Belinda smiled and leaned forward to pat my hand.

"I was wrong, too, you know," she said. "I didn't consider the affect Danni leaving would have on you. Professionally and personally. I didn't realize how much you relied on her at work. I understand better now. I also didn't know how much you do to keep people off our backs. I understand that, too.

"I'm only surprised you didn't go loopy earlier. But I still think you should go on home and rest. I told everyone about your phone call but everyone is still a little on pins and needles. Monday might be a little awkward. Come on, I'll walk out with you."

Belinda led me to the elevator and on the way down she asked about Julie.

"What about her?" I asked. "I can't make decisions for her. I didn't mean to, but I told her what has to happen for us to be anything more than friends. I might have lost her friendship, too, though. That will bother me more than anything.

"If she wants to date, I think I've made it clear that it will have to be exclusive. If she just wants to be roommates and friends with, uh, intimacy, I'm OK with that, too. But she can't have it both ways."

Belinda nodded.

"She was worried, you know," she said. "She was back in town the next morning. She didn't look as if she'd slept in days. She was frantic when you weren't home. She showed up here about 10 a.m. and I told her about your call.

"She was pretty angry that you called me and not her."

I shrugged.

"I called your voice mail because I wanted you to know I was OK but I didn't want to talk to you," I replied. "There was no way I could do that with Julie. If I called her cell phone, it would leave a number on her caller ID. I didn't want you to know where I was."

"I figured that much out," Bebe said. "But that didn't make it easier for her."

"Well, her shit's still in my garage," I said. "Someone has been staying in my house, so I assume it's her. She must have gotten over it. If she didn't, I'll deal with it when I see her. If I see her. Whatever."

Belinda was shaking her head.

"You don't care if she comes back?" she asked. "It might be best not to let her know that. When you see her, I hope you'll let her know how happy you are she's there."

"She might not be there long," I said. "I don't know. I spent a lot of time worrying about this the first couple of days. I decided there's nothing I can do about anything until she makes up her mind."

"So you'll take her back if she stays here?"

"I don't know," I said truthfully. "Let's be honest, I doubt I'll have to face that. The old problems in our relationship have been replaced with new ones. That's all. It took us five years apart to fix stuff we knew was a problem for years. The new ones are just coming to the front. It's only been a few months. If I were Julie, I wouldn't come back here."

Belinda tilted her head and looked at me.

"Why not? I mean, I could tell that you two love each other."

"Sure we do. We always have. But just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them. There are a lot of things we view differently. There are a lot of things we simply can't agree upon."

"Where does this leave Danni?"

"I don't think it leaves Danni anywhere," I replied. "Danni is wonderful. Don't get me wrong about that. If she and I were to get together, I think it would be fantastic. We probably agree on more things and look at life more similarly than Julie and I do.

"But the real issue, in my mind at least, is what happens when I don't live up what she's created in her mind. It's going to happen, you know. The first time I lose my temper with her the way I did with you or the first time the parts of my personality that you folks here don't see often come out. Danni probably will run for the hills when that happens. It might be best if she and I just stay friends and get to know each other better in that respect before we make any lifelong plans. Of course, if Julie comes back, that tosses another log on the fire. It is unfair for me to expect Julie to leave behind what I'm asking her to and still continue to spend time with Danni. Somehow I don't think Julie would be too willing to let that happen."

We had reached Belinda's car by this point.

"So, in essence, you don't know much more than before you left," she said with a smile.

"I don't know how things will work out," I replied. "But I know it'll be OK either way. Now get home to your family before Jim thinks we're having an affair. If your mom can't take the boys, maybe they could stay with me for a week."

"You have lost your mind," she said. "I would no sooner get back before you would need another break."

"Let me know," I said. "Now get on out of here and I don't want to see or hear from you for two weeks. Even if you and Jim can't get away, my offer to watch the boys still stands and so does your vacation time."

Belinda surprised me with a kiss on the cheek before she got in her car.

"Julie and I have talked almost every day," she said as she started the engine. "She is a mess and you're unannounced vacation didn't help. Keep that in mind before you say something you can't take back."

She drove off before I could ask what she meant. But she sure managed to get my mind racing into places I didn't want it to go.

-------

A couple of more beers on the couch were exactly what I needed. OK, the rest of the six pack but I was still sound asleep before Saturday Night Live was over. Of course that might be a reflection on the quality of the program.

I was awakened by voices and the sound of keys in the lock.

Julie and a woman I didn't recognize entered seconds later. Each seemed surprised to see me. But no more surprised than I was to see them.

"I didn't expect you back until tomorrow," Julie said. "Or maybe later today."

I could tell she was trying to keep her voice light.

"Surprise," I said. I didn't want to get into an argument. "Thanks for taking care of the house while I was gone. I half expected to find mail hanging out the box and a ton of spoiled food in the fridge."

I was still a little tipsy from the beer I had consumed — and the fact I hadn't bothered to pick up the empties clued Julie into my state.

"Uh, did you have a welcome home party and not invite me?" she asked. I had been around her long enough to know the she was still trying to avoid the obvious question: who was her friend and why was she in my house.

"No," I replied.

"When did you get in?" Julie asked as she began gathering up the empty bottles.

"About 8, I guess."

She appeared relieved.

"I went to the office for a couple of hours to check on things."

Her nervousness reappeared. I assumed it was because she thought I was loaded and I would be spoiling for a fight.

"Don't worry, Julie," I said. "I'm not drunk. Well, pleasantly tipsy, I think."

Julie knew she could avoid the question no longer.

"David, this is Tara," she said.

"I assumed that," I replied.

Julie seemed to brace herself for what was coming next, but nothing came.

"Well, I'm off to bed," I said. "It was nice to finally put a face to the name, Tara."

I headed off to my room. I was brushing my teeth when Julie walked in.

"Uh, I've been staying in here," she said, looking at the floor. "Is that OK?"

I shrugged.

"If it isn't, what am I supposed to do about it now?" I wondered aloud. "You know my rule: it's easier to seek forgiveness than permission."

Julie was nonplussed by my nonchalance to the situation. I was a little pissed that she brought her girlfriend to live in my house but there was little I could do about it tonight. I figured my situation would rectify itself pretty quickly in the morning.

"Is it still OK if I'm in here? I had Tara put her things in the guest room."

"That's fine, Julie," I replied. "I know you weren't expecting me back until tomorrow. I was sleeping just fine on the couch. After 8 hours in a car, I'm sure I could sleep just fine on the garage floor if it came down to it."

"No," she said quickly. "Can I sleep in here with you?"

I took a deep breath.

"Probably not a good idea this evening," I said. "I'll crash on the couch so long as you two promise not be up at the crack of dawn."

I glanced at the clock. It was after 2 in the morning.

"Well, that doesn't seem like it will be an issue," I said as I headed for the closet to get some linen and a blanket. I passed Tara on the way.

"That was my beer," she said. Not exactly the first words I expected but what did I know.

"That was my fridge," I replied. "Consider it a cheap rent payment."

Julie hustled out of the bedroom.

"I'll buy you another six-pack," she said quickly.

I just shrugged and headed for the couch. I had started to doze off again when I heard someone walking down the hallway. I figured one of the women was paying a visit to the other. I shrugged it off but I about jumped out of my skin when I felt a hand on my arm.

"You still awake?" Julie asked.

"Are you determined to make sure I get no sleep?" I asked. Even in the dark I could see Julie smile.

"Actually, I was," she replied. "But you should know that this is not how I planned to keep you up all night."

"Julie, I've been pretty polite and understanding tonight," I said. "Let's not push things too far, though."

I saw the smile disappear and I heard Julie start to chew on the inside of her cheek.

"I'll explain everything in the morning," she said. "But I wanted to thank you for being so nice tonight and I want you to know that I love you."

"Yep, I'm one loveable SOB," I said as I leaned back and closed my eyes. I hoped Julie would take the hint. She did but not before she leaned in and kissed me.

I didn't return her kiss.

-------

The sunlight through the windows awakened me at 8 a.m. I had to piss and I wanted a shower but I hesitated to walk into the master bathroom. I would have to pass through the bedroom to get there and I really didn't need any visual evidence to get my day started off right.

I figured it to hell with it. I wasn't going to let them alter my plans.

I was somewhat shocked to find the door to my bedroom locked. I muttered a curse and started down the hall to the other bathroom when I heard the lock turn. Julie was standing there glaring at me.

"Oh, sorry," she said. "I didn't realize it was you."

"Uh-huh," I muttered. "I'm going to grab a shower and head out for a while. It's about 8 so I figure you want to sleep for a while longer before you go."

Julie's eyes filled with tears.

"I wasn't planning to go anywhere," she said. I glanced down the hall at where Tara was sleeping but I didn't say anything. "OK, I'll see you when I get back then."

I collected a towel, some clothes and my shaving kit and headed to the bathroom.

Julie followed me in.

"Well, first, I want to say that I'm glad you're shaving that thing off," she said with a smile as she touched the goatee I had been growing for the last three weeks. "It looks likes you swallowed a cat and its ass is still hanging out of your mouth."

I laughed in spite of myself. Julie's sense of humor was one of the things I enjoyed most about her.

"Of course, I heard it's also called 'prison pussy, '" she said as she touched my arm. "Is there anything about your 'vacation' that I should know about?"

It was another funny joke but it reminded me also of my other guest.

Julie saw the humor leave my eyes.

"No," I replied.

"OK, on to the second thing," she said. "Don't you even want to know about what's going on?"

Again I replied, "No."

Julie looked at the floor as I started the water running and lathered up my face. I saw her glance up in the mirror with a determined look on her face.

"Well, I'm going to tell you anyway," she said. "But in a minute. First I want to tell you how scared I was when you just disappeared. I was hurt. I was frightened and yes, I was angry. Then you were gone without a word for three weeks. No one knew anything."

I nodded. I hope she didn't think that would be a surprise to me.

"I figured either you'd call Bebe or she'd call you," I said. "She told me last night that she'd spoken to you the next day and clued you in that I was fine."

"She clued me in," Julie said sharply. "I should have been the one to clue her in. How could you do that?"

"Really, it was simpler than you might think," I said. "I told Bebe to handle the office. I packed some stuff and I left. It only took about 25 minutes if you want to know the truth."

Julie's eyes had darkened to the color of night.

"Well, I'm glad it wasn't time consuming," she said. "Do you mind if I ask where you went?"

I nodded.

"In fact, I mind quite a bit," I said but I said nothing more.

I did, however, move any sharp objects out of Julie's reach.

"OK," she said. "Have it your way. Did Bebe tell you what I asked her first?"

I shook my head. It was easier than talking while I shaved.

"I asked if Danni went with you," Julie state. "I was just certain that she would be your first stop."

"You were wrong," I mumbled as I tried to keep the shaving cream out of my mouth. "I bet you felt like a dumbass."

"And so will you in a minute," she said.

"So, anyway, after Bebe told me you were fine, I went back to L.A.," she said.

I was back to using head motions to relay my points, so I nodded.

"But I stopped here to grab some more clothes," she continued. "I was pretty surprised when I saw my closet was empty."

I shrugged this time because I was working around my mouth.

"I went to the garage and all my stuff was packed in neat little boxes," she added. I saw nothing I could contribute so I continued shaving.

"I found the one labeled 'clothes' and took it with me. I figured I could sort it out down there."

Once again, I was silent and motionless.

"I only needed one outfit, but I wound up with a box of things. I'm glad you took time to fold them. That was nice of you even if the sentiment behind the packing was not."

I shifted my eyes to glare at her. It didn't seem to have the effect I wanted.

"I only needed one outfit because I was meeting with the tenant's association about the people who bought my condo."

Julie was still staring at me in the mirror refusing to move from my gaze.

"Everything was fine and they took possession a week later. But that sort of left me homeless. Tara said I could share her loft with her, but I decided to come back here. I got back here two days after you left. I've been here since."

I had finished shaving so I undressed and stepped into the shower.

"The Monday you ran off was quite interesting for me," she said. "I don't think in all the years we've known one another we have hung up on the other. It took another half hour before I could finally reach Belinda. Then she told me what had happened. By the way, your cell phone is in the desk drawer."

"Thanks," I replied.

"Things down there went pretty exactly as you scripted them. I met Tara outside of the hospital and she tried to hug me. I allowed her to, but I didn't hug her back. She seemed offended but let it go. She tried to turn it around on me but I refused to let her. She tried to kiss me, but again I refused to allow it. It really wasn't until she asked me to hold her while she slept that the alarm bells went off. But as you said I would, I did nothing about it."

I had yet to figure out why I would be feeling like a dumbass momentarily. In fact, I was almost finished with bathing and I felt remarkable intelligent.

I shut off the water and stepped out of the shower. Julie handed me a towel.

"I walked out of her room and I stopped cold. Unlike you, I channeled my anger into something positive. I gathered up the few items that I had brought over from Tara's loft and sat on my bed and waited for what I expected next. I didn't have to wait long. She wandered in a few minutes later complaining that she couldn't sleep."

I was half dressed and I started to head for the door. Julie grabbed my arm tightly.

"I'm not finished," she said. "As I said, she came into my room. Instead of greeting her as she expected, I took her arm, grabbed her bag and led her to the car. I drove her to her loft — with her complaining the whole way — and I unceremoniously dumped her ass on the curb with her bags. I told her if she grew up and decided she wanted to be friends, to call me. But not to call me if she had some asinine notion that I wanted to be more than that.

"I knew I would never be able to sleep so I drove through the night and got here about 7:30 a.m. I was surprised you weren't here but I wasn't frantic. I had tried to call you a hundred times but I figured you just weren't picking up. No, I really didn't get frantic until I talked to Bebe and she told me you just up and left. Before I looked in my closet, I looked in yours. I saw that you had grabbed some clothes hastily and left. I hoped you might be in L.A. waiting for me. But you weren't."

I shook my head to let her know that I was, in fact, not in L.A. waiting for her.

"Tara however was camped out in front of my door. I hadn't slept well since I left here. I hadn't slept at all — well, I took an hour nap on the couch when I got in from Los Angeles — since the day before. So I really let her have it. I told her what her selfishness and immaturity had cost me. I called her manipulative and self-centered. Somewhere in there I must have slipped in when you were coming home. I know I told her if you came home and kicked me out, I was coming down to L.A. and she wouldn't have to worry about another suicide attempt because I planned to put her sorry ass out her misery."

I had nothing to offer to the narrative.

"Which brings us to last night. I wasn't sure exactly when you would be back. So I was prepared. I also wasn't sure how you would react to the fact I was here, so I've only been taking things out of boxes as I've needed them. I heard a car door slam and I prepared to meet you at the door for our own little welcome home celebration — if you were willing. Instead of you, I find that stupid little bitch standing there with a smirk and a six pack. I was wearing, uh, well, I was in negligee. I really didn't want to give you the chance to say no, to be honest. I grabbed my clothes put the beer in the fridge and set off to find Tara a hotel room."

The facts didn't seem to be adding up, but I didn't say anything.

"There are two conventions, a golf tournament and a home football game this weekend," she said. "To put it plainly, the only hotel rooms within a hundred miles cost far more money than I am willing to spend for her comfort. So, the alternative was to put her out on the street or bring her here. I chose what I found least objectionable — although depending upon how the rest of our conversation goes, I might rethink that. In fact, since I am the only one talking, it is not even a conversation. That is how you managed to find Tara in my company when we returned home last night."

It certainly was a convoluted tale.

"I'm glad you didn't lose your temper last night," she said. "When I saw the beer bottles, I worried that first, you saw Tara and I leave and second, that you were going to react before allowing me to explain."

"So, what's next?" I asked.

"What's next is a fucking restraining order if she doesn't face reality," Julie hissed. It wasn't really what I was talking about but it made perfect sense.

"May I assume that from the locked door you had an unwelcome visitor?"

Julie huffed.

"I thought it was you," she said. "When I heard the door open, my heart leaped. I swear it did. When the weight entering the bed didn't correspond with yours, well, I'm surprised you weren't awakened. I didn't want you to get the wrong impression — which I'm sure you would have and I'm sure was Tara's intention — and I didn't want to have to give you the explanation you got this morning in the middle of the night."

"How long do you plan for her to stay?" It was probably a stupid question.

"About 20 more minutes," Julie said. "Or until the cab gets here. Whichever comes first."

I heard muffled ringing from the bedside table so I reached in to retrieve my cell phone. It was Danni.

"Hey," I answered. "This really isn't a good time. Can I call you back?"

"Are you getting nekkid?" she asked. She had explained the difference between naked and nekkid to me in the past.

"Nowhere near," I said.

"Do ya wanna? Cause I can be there in about 15 minutes."

I couldn't help it. I laughed.

"It's not a good time for that either," I told her.

"Oh well," she said. "You never know which chance is gonna be your last. You remember that."

At least she was chuckling when she said it.

I hung up shaking my head to see Julie staring at me.

"Danni asked if I was getting nekkid," I said.

Julie didn't seem to find it as amusing as I did. I wasn't sure I believed half of the shit she had told me that morning, so I really didn't give a crap.

"Anyway, so you're plan is to wake Sleeping Beauty and send her to the airport?" I asked just to get the conversation on track.

"Well, I guess if you and Danni want some naked time together, I could drive her myself," Julie said.

I laughed again.

"Nekkid, not naked," I replied. "There is a big difference. I promise. For instance, in the shower, I was naked. Once Tara is safely ensconced as someone else's problem, I'll do my best to introduce you to nekkid."

I still hadn't figured out where the rest of our relationship was going. But the final part of my Oregon epiphany was that there was no clear reason not to continue to have a sexual relationship with Julie — or Danni — or Tara, for that matter — until I had a better grasp. Out of respect for Julie, I wouldn't approach Danni but if Julie and I were just going to be friends with benefits and roommates that might change, too.

"Really?"

"Why not? I want to see what you were planning to wear if I didn't come home until today."

Julie pushed me back on to the bed and was kissing the daylights out of me when I heard Tara enter the room.

"Hey, Tara," I said. "I'll be up in a minute to fix breakfast. There's juice in the fridge or you can make coffee if you prefer."

Tara left the room without another word.

"Friendly sort, isn't she?" I asked. Julie kissed me again until I slapped her bottom. I noticed she was wearing one of my T-shirts and her panties again.

"Might wanna put on some pants before you come out," I said. "That one might get the wrong idea."

"So you know I was telling the truth, right?" she asked as I stood up. I was caught. I wasn't willing to lie to her but I had hoped to avoid the question.

"It doesn't matter if you were or not," I said. "I figured out some things in — on my trip. This doesn't fix everything. But I hope you know, even when you left for Los Angeles again, I still love you. It doesn't mean things will work out any better than the last time. It just means that I love you. I'll let everything seep into my alcohol-addled brain before I decide if I believe you or if I don't. But either way, I'm glad you're here."

Julie eyed me strangely.

"You don't know if you believe me but you say it doesn't matter," she said. "That doesn't make any sense but I'm not going to argue about until after we figure out nekkid. Then we'll have to discuss what you learned on your sabbatical."



-------

Chapter 8


Tara did not go quietly into that good night — or good morning. Julie told her that if she wanted a ride to the airport or the train station Julie would call her a cab or I would drive her.

"Does the train even run on Sundays?" Tara asked Julie. Julie, in turn, looked at me.

"How would I know?" I asked. "Do I look like I work for Amtrak?"

Julie stuck her tongue out.

"You seem to know about so many arcane things, I suspected you might know this, too," she said with a grin.

I gave her a searching look.

"OK, I'm a fountain of worthless knowledge," I said. "I confess."

Julie didn't defer.

"For instance, Tara," Julie said. "Are you familiar with the 96-hour commit? David knew. And, of course, he told me. So the whole time you were telling me about how concerned the doctors were for your welfare and safety, I knew it for what it was: a lie."

Tara looked stricken.

"I know you wanted me to believe they truly thought you would try again," she continued. "And perhaps you will some day. But I hope you have a better understanding of why I have treated you as I have."

Tara didn't look much happier but she rebounded.

"So what?" she said. "I told you I'd do whatever I have to to keep you. That hasn't changed."

I eyed my visitor strangely.

"So long as you get what you want, you're willing to base it on lies and deceit?" I asked. "That seems like a recipe for disaster."

"What's it to you?" she asked hotly. "I somehow doubt you're very worried about my well-being."

I pursed my lips and nodded.

"That would be a fact," I said. "And yet, I allowed you to sleep here last night instead of beneath a bridge. I have fed you breakfast instead of tossing you out."

"That's because you're a pussy," Tara spat. "You won't fight for her. You didn't fight for her last time and you won't fight for her this time. You're a pussy."

"Perhaps," I started before Julie leaped to her feet.

"You mistake kindness for weakness," she said loudly. "I did that once, too. Trust me, I know he's not weak. And you better damned well bet that I'm not. You've done the same thing with me. You've mistaken my compassion for something it's not. He might be too nice to fight but I'm not. I'll fight for him with you or with Danni or with anyone else. You better believe that for a fact, bitch."

Tara sat back as if slapped.

"David, would you excuse us for just a moment?" Julie asked. "I am about to physically eject this piece of lying trash from our house. I know you would probably try to stop me and I'd rather that you didn't."

I shook my head sadly.

"Julie, Tara, is this really how you want it to end?" I asked. "Do you really want to think back about this portion of your life and have this be the final chapter? If you do, I'll leave you to your business. But if you don't..."

"This isn't the final chapter," Tara said. "She'll be back. I know it and you know it. Don't you, David. You know you'll never be able to satisfy her like I do."

I really hadn't considered that. I guess I got a thoughtful look on my face because Julie patted my hand.

"Oh, he's a much better lover than you," she said. "He's not selfish. He makes sure that I enjoy every minute of it. And guess what, girl. He's far more talented with his tongue than you'll ever be. He's not just interested in getting off. He isn't just a functionary."

Tara smirked.

"Please, no one did you like I did," she said. I was getting a little more information that I wanted.

"No," Julie said. "Thankfully. I always hoped you'd get better at it. But you're too selfish to put anyone else's needs before your own. Believe me, when David and I go to bed, it's not a 10-minute exercise. When I first got back here, we made love 8 times in 24 hours. Eight times, Tara. That's three weeks of my time with you. I must have cum a hundred times in those 24 hours. I was so sore and dehydrated the next day I could barely move. A hundred times, Tara. I wished I would have counted. I haven't cum a hundred times with you in three years.

"So, don't you worry that I'll be coming back to you for any of what you call sex."

The smirk fell from Tara's face but I could tell she was poised to say something else.

"Look," I said. "I'll be honest. I don't give a fuck where you go. Train, bus, plane, hitchhike. But Julie has made it clear she doesn't want you here any longer. So you need to collect whatever you brought and hit the bricks."

"Fuck you," Tara hissed. "I'll leave when Julie tells me to." Julie started to say something but I interrupted.

"Julie might have led you to believe that this is her home," I said. "She was incorrect in that interpretation. You'll leave now. I really have no qualms about tossing you. The only reason that I didn't do it last night was because of my consideration for Julie.

"Tara, I knew what you were from the moment she told me about you. Now, you have two minutes to grab what you brought and leave."

I got my wallet and dropped $3 on the table.

"There's your beer money," I said. "Now, off your ass and on your feet. You're down to a minute and a half."

Julie had no expression on her face.

"One minute," I announced and Tara headed back to the bedroom. I supposed it was to put on some pants.

"Thank you, David," Julie said.

"Don't thank me," I said harshly. "You got what you wanted. I got to be the bad guy. You got your licks in — no pun intended — but I got to be the one to toss her out. It's what you wanted me to do from the beginning. But I was tired of listening to her shit."

Tara came back in the living room to see Julie with tears in her eyes.

"Don't worry, babe," Tara said. "I'll always be there for you."

Julie took her by her arm and led her to the door.

"Which one of you is giving me a ride?" Tara asked.

Julie opened the door and pushed her through.

"Neither of us."

The door closed in Tara's face.

-------

The dual mysteries of why everyone was so interested in my work e-mail solved itself Monday morning. Well, actually I knew what to expect after Julie and I talked on Sunday after Tara's rude expulsion from the house.

I relented and drove the poor girl to the bus station and even spotted her the money for a ticket back to L.A. Julie told me that I shouldn't but I thought it was for the best.

I also didn't want her to wind up camped out at my house that night.

When I returned — and after I introduced Julie to nekkid — she mentioned that there might be a couple of e-mails sent to my work account from hers.

"Just delete them, David," she told me urgently.

Naturally, my curiosity was piqued.

"Let me guess," I said. "After I spoke to you a few weeks ago you were pissed off at me and unloaded in an e-mail. It's OK. I'm sure I can almost guess what you said."

"David, it's worse," Julie said somewhat sheepishly.

Now my curiosity was raging.

"Tara got on my computer and sent pictures to you," she said. "Rather explicit pictures. I didn't realize it until I got back here and set up my laptop. I was checking my sent folder to see if I replied to a message and there it was. I asked Bebe to delete it but she couldn't get in to your account. I'm embarrassed and ashamed."

I nodded.

"May I inquire as to why you allowed an obviously unstable person to have explicit pictures of you in her possession?" I asked. "Or allow her to have access to where you store them if you decided to keep them as a souvenir?"

Julie's eyes couldn't meet mine.

"I didn't realize she had them," she said in a shallow voice. "I mean, I thought I had destroyed them. We took them last year. We both were drinking and it seemed like a harmless thing to do. We took them and looked at them and I deleted them. But I guess she burned a CD before I got rid of them."

"You realize of course that our e-mails are saved on a company computer," I said. "With so many pieces, Global is fanatical about security. So anyone who works in our IT department would have access to those pictures. Not only that, but I'm certain that I'll have to explain why I am receiving inappropriate e-mails at work. Nice going, Julie. Not content to tangle yourself up with that fucking lunatic, you had to drag me in with you. Thanks so little."

"Come on, David," Julie said. "It isn't that bad. Is it?"

"It is that bad, Julie," I said. "I'm certain someone has already asked Bebe about it. I'm sure they weren't specific but she was nervous enough about it to mention it to me last night. And I doubt it was because of you. Incidentally, I'm positive that your little fuck-toy will be uploading them to numerous internet sites — if she hasn't already. You sure know how to pick them. Well, there is nothing to be done about it now. I'll deal with the fallout tomorrow and you can deal with locating all the illicit sites that Tara has sent the pictures to."

"She didn't send them anywhere and she is no longer able to send them," Julie said. "She is practically computer illiterate and I checked both of mine to see if any strange sites popped up in history. When I went back down there I confiscated the CD and smashed it into a million pieces. Just to make sure she didn't have another copy, I broke all the CDs she had in her loft. The only copy of those pictures is in your e-mail."

"And in the hands of Global's IT department," I said. "Let's hope they have scruples and haven't made copies or uploaded them somewhere."

Julie put her head in her hands.

"If you hadn't run off like that it would already be taken care of," she said.

"And if you had any taste in bed partners it would never have come to this in the first place," I shot back. "I swear to God the air in L.A. must be laced with Retard Pills. You've acted like a fuckin' idiot since the first time you went down there."

Needless to say, I slept alone again that night.

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I made sure I was into work early on Monday. I had a lot of things to catch up on and I figured I would be answering questions — from my employees and my bosses — about my sudden and unannounced disappearance.

The chatter started around 8:30 a.m. when folks saw that I was in my office and that Bebe was nowhere to be found. I hadn't taken into account that people might get the wrong impression, so I sorted that out as quickly as I could.

I had no more finished that task when I was summoned to the top floor of the complex to meet with the general manager of the entire company.

I took my ass-chewing like a man and I didn't accept his offer to explain my actions.

"I had time coming and I took it," I said. It was the best he was going to get from me and he seemed to understand that. What he didn't understand was why I received "pornographic" material in my private e-mail account.

That one took a little more explanation but in the end I was let off with a verbal warning. Of course, I would be responsible for documenting it in my file — and I was certain that I would forget to do that by the time I got back to my office.

"I need you to assure me that each and every person who has access to my e-mail account did not download or forward that file," I said. "It was not a random person in those photos. It was my ex-wife and it was sent by someone with the sole purpose of injuring her reputation and mine."

The GM assured me that only the director of security had access to my files. He flagged the e-mail and deleted it from the server after notifying the proper department head — usually me but in this case, the general manager. His word was all I could hope for.

"The next time you need time off, David, please arrange it with me beforehand," he said in parting. "I realize the strain you're under down there and I can understand why you felt the need to get away. But the woman you left in charge of the department is woefully inadequate for the task. You might consider restructuring your division to have someone who can take over for you. It doesn't appear that you have that at this point."

I had to concede that fact.

"My nominal number 2 left for Stroechine last month," I said. "I haven't found anyone capable of replacing her. There certainly is no one in my department who can do it and the people we've interviewed seem more entry-level than mid-level management. But I understand your concern and it's one I share."

"Any chance we can get your Number 2 back from Stroechine?" he wondered.

I shook my head.

"She really was overqualified for what we had her doing," I said. "She's the head of their marketing department now. About the only way to get her back would be to give her my job. Which I'm sure you're considering after the past few weeks."

The GM laughed and shook his head.

"Not just yet," he said. "Truly, I was shocked. We have some people here that I have to constantly worry about. You're not one of them. Then in the space of 48 hours I hear you've gone over the wall and you're getting porn sent to your corporate account."

"Don't forget Moorman Industries," I added ruefully. "That was a wholesale failure, as well."

"Well, that one wasn't your fault," my boss said. "There was nothing that could be done and I thought you phrased it best in your report. The people there expected something for nothing. Now we own an idled factory and the state has 800 more unemployment claims. You offered what you could. Obviously we can't afford to operate a factory at a loss. That's what they wanted."

He let out a deep sigh.

"Are you doing OK now?" he wondered.

"Much better," I said. "The time away from everything — the job, my ex-wife, my crappy social life — was exactly what I needed. I figured out that I could tackle any of the obstacles I faced one at a time but when they all hit at once, I got a might bit overwhelmed."

By the time I left my boss' office, I had a little less skin on my backside but everything seemed pretty well under control.

The same couldn't be said for my life at home.



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Chapter 9


I probably could have been a tad bit more diplomatic with Julie about the e-mail situation. But coupled with my unplanned vacation, I conceivably could have been fired for receiving the pictures.

It was something that I couldn't seem to get across to Julie and her inability to grasp the nuances of corporate politics irritated me. At the same time, I realized that she was naïve to the situation because she had never had to play the game before. There was no way she could know the rules because she had worked as an independent contractor or for herself for almost a decade.

By giving Bebe two weeks off, I was now down two people in my department and my performance before I left had those who remained walking on eggshells.

The tenseness of my office carried over to my house.

Julie was still pissed off because I called her an idiot. And she seemed to harbor resentment that I was right about Tara and her motives.

Either way, it was a quiet night at home. Or at least it was until Danni called.

After a brief conversation with Ms. Dimples, the fireworks really started.

"So, we never got to discuss what you learned on, what did you call it, your sabbatical," Julie said moments after I hung up.

I nodded thoughtfully.

"OK," I said. "What would you like to know? What I decided in general or how it applies to you?"

"Both," she replied. I noticed her eyes were darkening.

"In general, I learned there are a great many things over which I have no control," I said. "In specific, I learned that you are one of them. The result is that I plan to take a step back and let things play out before I make any decisions or commitments."

Apparently that might have been the wrong thing to say.

"So, you have no commitment to me?" Julie almost screamed.

"No more than you have to me," I replied in an even tone. "Ultimately, we each have a commitment to ourselves first."

"What in the fuck does that mean," Julie hissed. "Did you go all fucking Zen Buddhist on me?"

I chuckled — at the joke and at Julie's anger. Luckily for my well being, she thought I was only laughing at her humor.

"No," I answered. "Look, this whole thing with Tara really brought out some different issues for us. You were right. We were apart for five years. I lived mostly by myself during that time and I got used to making decisions for myself."

"Well, so did I," Julie replied hotly.

"I recognize that," I said. "That is probably a good thing — although some of your decisions don't seem entirely well thought out."

Julie had the grace to blush — or perhaps she just got angrier. Either way, her face got redder. Undaunted, I plunged ahead.

"The fact is that we're each guilty of making decisions over the past couple of months without regard to the other," I said. "That is not the hallmark of a strong relationship. I'll admit to the fact that I did consider your feelings when I departed but I disregarded them. At the time, I didn't care if you were angry. Unfortunately, that attitude has carried over to now. I just want to be honest with you."

"So you don't care if I pack up and leave tonight?" she said and I could see tears coming to the corner of her eyes.

"Would I care?" I asked. "Of course I would care. I do love you, Julie. I do enjoy the fact that you're here. I don't want you to go anywhere else. But at the same time I want you to realize that there is a real possibility that you and I can't get to where you seem to want to go."

"Where I seem to want to go?" she asked in a harsh tone. "I think I've been very clear about what I would like to see happen and I think I've done just about everything in my power to get through to you."

I nodded.

"Then perhaps it's just me," I answered. "Look, the whole L.A. thing the first time took me off guard. The fact that you became so good at hiding things from me — and that you still seem to be willing to do that — makes it very difficult for me to allow you that power again."

"But I'm not the same person," Julie said. "We spent 11 years together. We were committed to each other."

"Really?" I wondered. "Did that seem like a commitment to you? Listen, perhaps we're going about this the wrong way. You say you base your ideal relationship on what you put into your strip. Tell me more about that? Does it include hiding things? Does it include refusing to listen to another side of things? Tell me what you expect from me and maybe I can give you a better idea of whether I can meet those ideals."

Julie's eyes narrowed and she tilted her head back and looked at the ceiling.

"Well, first off Adam is based on the David I remember not the David that is here now," she said. "That casts a different light on things. Your personality is harder than it used to be. I'm sure I'm responsible for some of it but I also think your responsibilities at work are to blame somewhat, too."

I nodded my agreement.

"That is something else I realized while I was away," I said. "You're not the only person I've kept at arms length. I've lost touch with most of my old friends and I've failed to create new ones."

"You haven't seemed to keep Danni at arms length," Julie offered. "You and I are sitting here in stony silence and suddenly you're Mr. Personality when she is on the phone with you."

"I think that can be chalked up to the fact that I'm not angry and frustrated with Danni," I replied.

"Of course not!" Julie said loudly. "She pushes those tits out at you and smiles and you're a fucking puddle at her feet."

"I was on the phone with her," I said incredulously. "I haven't seen her in almost two months. There was no way I could see her tits or her smile. Jesus Christ!"

Julie took a deep breath and laughed out loud.

"Yeah, you got me on that one," she replied. "Still, the shift in your attitude was disconcerting. It hurt me."

"OK," I said. "For that, I apologize. My conversation with Danni was not intended to hurt you. She heard about my meltdown and she wanted to make sure I was OK."

Julie got a triumphant look on her face.

"Just like I did with Tara," she said.

"Except for the fact she didn't offer to come over to make sure I was fine," I replied. "She didn't offer to abandon the life she is trying to lead to ensure it. She didn't create a rift by checking up on me. She seems to understand that her presence in our lives is a complication."

I expressly left out the part where she had offered to come over, jokingly, the day before.

"Now, what do you think are the things that will lead you from Tracy to Ellie?" I asked in a valiant attempt to get the conversation off Danni Dimples. "And if my personality is so divergent from what you remember, are you certain that you want to?"

Julie was silent for almost a full minute.

"There are times when I want to very much," she answered finally. "And there are times that I wonder if it is worth the hassle."

"Then we agree on that fact," I offered. "The problem with our marriage was that it got to be a hassle more often than it was worth it. I don't want to see that happen again. We both agree that the last time, before you went to L.A., was really the best portion of our marriage."

Julie nodded her assent.

"I've thought about those six months very often over the past few years and more often over the past few weeks," I continued. "I think we both started to learn a little about the person we turned out to be. I realized that I had to take life a little more seriously. You learned that you had to make a little time for other things besides work. Although we divorced, I think we each carried those over to afterward."

Julie again agreed.

"I think we also became a little closer as friends during that time," I proposed. "We spent more time talking about things and more time just doing stuff together, even if it was just sitting down and paying bills. We each made a concerted effort to find common ground on contentious issues."

Julie had stopped nodding but now had a thoughtful look on her face.

"I can see that," she admitted. "We would compromise on things. You even took a marginal interest in politics so you could offer cartoon ideas. I really appreciated that you did that."

I pursed my lips because that wasn't exactly the way I remembered it.

"OK, maybe I didn't appreciate it at the time," Julie said with a slight smile. "But in retrospect, I really appreciated it. When I reflected back on our lives together, I came to appreciate a lot of the things you did that I probably didn't grasp at the time. I guess I didn't really understand it until you weren't there to do it. I guess I thought that everyone would act that way. They don't, by the way."

I offered a half smile.

"And I underestimated the bond we shared," I replied. "One of the reasons I closed myself off was because I couldn't find anyone else I wanted to share my life with."

"You couldn't find anyone else who would put up with your crap," Julie said playfully.

"That, too," I said earnestly. "But, back to the point, over the past few years we haven't had to compromise — at least I haven't — so I think I misplaced those skills. I'm used to getting my way whenever I want something and I suspect that you are, too."

I saw Julie biting the inside of her lip.

"So you're saying that we should have reached a compromise on Tara," she said.

"Oh, no," I said quickly. "That one I was right about. If the last couple of days have proved anything it was that. What I'm saying is that I should have been more open to your concerns and you should have been more open to mine."

Julie's mouth set in a firm line.

"I think I was open to your concerns," she said. "But as you so aptly put it a little while ago, I disregarded them."

"Touche," I answered. "But I think in retrospect you see that I was further away from the situation so that I was able to give you an unbiased opinion."

"Just like I can give you an unbiased opinion on Danni," Julie stated — and just like that we were back on a topic I wanted to avoid.

"I am willing to listen to your concerns about Danni," I answered diplomatically. "But I will say up front that I believe you to be nowhere near unbiased."

"And you're unbiased about Tara?" Julie said. "Get real."

"Does the fact I was right about her mean nothing?" I shot back. "Prejudice had nothing to do with it. I told you I was comfortable about where our relationship was — is. I'm still comfortable if you and I can only make it as friends and nothing more. I'll The only way I'll be disappointed is if it is five years before I see you again."

"So, you are willing to listen to my concerns about Danni," Julie reiterated. "OK, here they are. I believe she left Global for the sole purpose of establishing herself on equal footing to you. As soon as she does, she is going to make a run at you, whether I am in the picture or not."

I did my best to look unfazed — but I'm not sure I succeeded.

"OK, I understand," I replied. "Now, here are the facts. Since Danni's departure two months ago, I have heard from her twice. Each time, you were in the room. Once was yesterday morning and once was this evening. She has made no effort to visit me and she has not called me at work. She has not pulled some drama queen stunt and I don't think you can truly say you believe she will."

"Oh no," Julie said. "When she makes her play it will be right in front of everyone. She is biding her time, growing her confidence. She won't go behind my back. She'll make her move right in front of me and leave it to me to respond."

I couldn't help it. I laughed out loud.

"Dear God!" I said. "Listen to yourself. You make it sound like she is going to show up at the house in her birthday suit one afternoon and offer herself up on a platter. Besides, you know me better than that. Do you really think that I would let things get that far? If you and I are committed I'll make sure Danni gets the memo."

"God damn it," Julie yelled. "I am committed to you. I sold my apartment in L.A. I have every fucking thing I own in storage or in your garage. I am sitting here in your house — a house that I would dearly love to be our house again. Does that not scream commitment to you?"

My eyes widened and a million thoughts raced through my head.

"Uh, yeah," I said. "I guess it does. But you've already said there are times you wonder if I'm worth the hassle."

"Yeah," she said. "And yet I'm still here. I guess that means you are. I'll admit that when I first talked to you in Los Angeles, I had a romanticized idea of you. It honestly hadn't occurred to me that you might have changed in the five years we were apart. You were always so at ease with yourself. Some of your actions and reactions caught me a little off guard. Some of the ways you view things now are different than before. I guess it shouldn't surprise me because I know I'm not the same either. But I honestly can't say that I expected that you were so different from who you were."

Julie's sentence trailed off and the tears returned.

"I've been so intent on returning to the past," she continued through her sniffles. "All I've wanted for the last five years is to go back to where I was. As soon as I grew up a little bit I wanted a man in my life like the one I had when I was so spoiled and selfish. I never stopped to realize how my actions would have affected you. I never considered that you wouldn't be exactly who I left. I never understood — until right this very minute — that you and I can't go back. Whatever we had — and I'll admit that at times it wasn't very much of a marriage but at other times it was — whatever we had is gone. There is no way to get it back because I let those assholes in L.A. play to my ego. I let those assholes in L.A. convince me that I was too good to be your wife."

Anger had replaced Julie's tears.

"Please know, David," she added. "Please know that I understood my folly quickly. But I was embarrassed and ashamed at what I had become. I was embarrassed and ashamed at what I allowed to happen to me. Oh, I didn't really understand the magnitude of it until you pointed it out to me, but I knew I let them move me away from where I belonged."

Julie was silent. I couldn't tell if she expected me to contribute or if she was mulling over her thoughts. I took the safe route and stayed silent. After an eternity, Julie's voice, much quieter than before, returned.

"We can't go back, can we?" she asked. "That's what you've been trying to tell me all along. Isn't it?"

I nodded sadly.

"I held out hope that we might be able to move forward," I said helpfully. "But we can't do that if you expect me to be just like the guy you left here five years ago. I'm not him anymore. Part of it is because of how things happened between us. I'll admit it. But most of it, just like you said, is because I allowed it to happen. I allowed you to stay in L.A. I let my pride keep me from going down after you. I let my own personal failings — my inability to move forward without prodding, my mistaken belief that everything would work out if I just left it alone — keep me from telling you what was happening."

"Of course, if I had been honest with you it would have helped," Julie said with disgust. "If I had told you what was going on instead of generalizing everything, you would have been able to make a more informed decision. I'm sorry, David. Not only because I lost you but because of what I turned you into.

"But you're right. I do want you to be the man you used to be. I had my heart set on living my life with him. That is what was so disconcerting about your disappearance. The old David, the one I remember and want to come home to, would never let things get to him. He never got to the point where he was overwhelmed. I don't know why you didn't but you didn't. There is so much anger — anger I put there, to be sure — that I find troubling."

Again I could only nod.

"I think part of it was a natural maturation process," I said. "I think, years ago, I was too immature to let things bother me. I held the attitude that they would work out or they wouldn't. If they did, great. If they didn't, I was OK with that too. It kept me rooted here while you were in Los Angeles. It kept me sitting on the couch while Armando was stealing you away. Then you were gone and I spent a year or so wondering what I could have done to keep you. I know I wasn't blameless. I could have been more open with you, too. I could have told you what was bothering me. I could have let you in on what I was thinking and wondering. I could have confronted you with my suspicions as they arrived.

"Instead, I did nothing. I learned from that, though. It's part of what's created problems for us this time. I'm no longer willing to sit back and watch things implode. I guess I'm a lot more proactive than before."

Julie greeted my wry smile with one of her own. It was a fleeting smile on both of our parts.

"That's not who I'm looking for," Julie said sadly. "I need the tranquility of your personality. It's what I loved most about you."

"I know," I answered in a matching tone. "A large part of me wishes I were who you are looking for. But I know I'm not. I guess I've known that all along."

"We'll still be friends?" she asked hopefully.

"I can't think of a reason why not," I answered. "We were always friends, Jules. That's what saw us through the hard times of our marriage. We were friends."

"But being friends wasn't enough to see us through the worst time," she said.

"No."

"And it's not enough for us to build a life on now," Julie said with conviction.

"No," I answered. "It's not. It probably was a bad idea to try it the first time."

My answer evoked a half laugh from Julie.

"I think you're right about that, David," she said.

"You can stay here as long as you want," I added. "I know it is unheard of to share a house with your ex-wife but since you're also my oldest friend, I think we can swing it."

"Maybe for a little while," she said. "But not too long. I have plenty of money this time and you can't close your life off forever. And like it or not, we both need to leave the past behind us."

I held open my arms and Julie stepped in for a hug.

"I'll miss you," she said. "But I've always missed you."

I kissed her on top the head — and wondered how long I should wait before I asked Danni to dinner.


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The End
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Posted:  2009-02-09
Last Modified: 2009-02-13 / 11:25:43 am
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