Storiesonline.net ------- Building a Past by Jay Cantrell Copyright© 2002 by Jay Cantrell ------- Description: A story of a man and woman from different worlds. Their interaction, and the lessons they teach and learn over 20 years, lead each to an intersection in their lives. Codes: MF slow rom cons ------- ------- Prologue June 2001 As I drove another 10-penny nail into the 2-by-4, the glint of sunlight off a car windshield caught my eye. It was unbearably hot, and still not 10 a.m. In awe, I watched as she walked to the site, my mind obviously playing tricks on me. There she was, the woman I had loved for 20 years, the woman I had searched for on thousands of streets in hundreds of towns.The woman whose face had seen me thought countless nights of horror in a faraway land. The woman whose grandmother's engagement ring still rested on a chain around my neck. The woman I hadn't seen in almost 14 years. She stopped and talked to some of the workers. Smiling as she gestured to the framing that soon would be a small hospital on the outskirts of this small Latin American town. As soon as she smiled, I knew it really was her. I had to talk to her. "Maria?" I asked, as calmly as I could. She looked at me in confusion. "Maria Gonsalves?" I tried again. "Yes, I am," she replied, still unsure. "DOCTOR Maria Gonsalves?" "Um, yes," she said, her eyes looking hard at my face. "I knew you'd succeed. I knew you would reach your dreams," I told her, beaming with pride. Maria just looked away. "I'm sorry, do I know you?" she asked finally. "Um, no. No, I guess not," I told her, my smile fading as my heart broke with each word. "I used to see you around when you were at San Diego State." "Oh, did we have classes together?" she replied. "What's your name?" "Josh," I told her, with a wry grin. "No, we didn't have classes together. I used to see you around the library. You were always so driven to succeed. I learned a lot from just watching you. I guess I wanted to say thanks and congratulations. I should get back to work." "Josh, that is very nice of you to say that," she said, a little uncomfortably. "I am sorry I don't remember. If I get time, I'll stop back out and maybe we can catch up." I knew she was just trying to be nice, so I let her off the hook. "That's OK, Dr. Gonsalves. No need for that. I just recognized you and wanted to say hi. I only can imagine how busy you are," I told her. "Take care of yourself." "You, too, Josh." As she turned to head back to her car, I realized that this was the first person I ever loved as much as I love me. The person who took me from who I was and taught me to be who I am. I just shook my head to keep from crying. I looked over and found Sam by my side. "So, that's THE Maria, huh?" he asked. In five years, Sam has gone from someone I worked with, to my best friend to the father I never had. The only person in the world, outside of me, who knew about Maria. "Yep. I guess she meant a lot more to me than I did to her," I said, sighing heavily. "You should go tell her who you are. Jesus, you've looked for her for years. Now you found her. Are you just going to let her go?" he asked. I knew I couldn't let her go. She'd always be in my heart. But, I also knew I had to let her leave. "It was a long time ago, Sam." As Maria started to get into her car, she turned to wave back at me. Out of habit, I waved to her like I had since we were teen-agers. Just my index finger, waggling up and down. When she drove away, I thought, "she really is as beautiful now as she was then." ------- Chapter 1 1977-1981 I met Maria when we were both 8 years old. I was the spoiled-rotten rich kid who had it all and knew it all. Although most know me as Josh now, my given name is Robinson Joshua Berisford III. Maria was the daughter of my mother's maid, and often came to the house with her mom. I took savage delight in proving to her that she was inferior to me. I would taunt her, ridicule her clothes or her hair, play with my new toys in front of her and never let her touch them. My mother often watched these exchanges with glee. After all, we were rich. And Maria was just a poor servant's daughter. More times that I care to count, I sent Maria home crying either in frustration, anger or shame. Sometimes, when I was feeling benevolent, I would lower myself to play games with Maria. Cheating to win was one of my favorite pasttimes. Maria always caught me cheating, but if she said anything, I wouldn't play with her for weeks at a time. Just to teach her a lesson. I remember her as a brilliant student now. But at the time, she was a freak because she liked to read. When I was at my worst, Maria would just take a book, sit in the shade and close herself off from my behavior. As I grew older, my impression of Maria changed. As I hit puberty, I became much nicer to her, hoping she'd let me feel her up or give me a blowjob. After all, she was just a servant's daughter. A low-class girl whose only worth was her body. That is what my mother taught me. I tried flattery, I tried threats, I tried bribes. Nothing worked. Maria wasn't willing to give me what I wanted. Finally, I tried force. One summer day, shortly after I turned 12, I grabbed Maria and pulled her aside. She was too startled to protest when I grabbed her face and kissed her. At first she stiffened, then, slowly, she relaxed and returned the kiss. I drifted off in a dream world only to return to reality when her knee smashed directly into my balls. As I lay on the floor, nearly puking, Maria stood over me. "If you ever try that again, I'll cut 'em off," she said, glaring at me. "I don't know who you think you are, R.J., but I know who I am. I am not something you can buy or take." Then, for good measure, she spat on me and walked out. I laid there, mostly because there was no way I could move at that point, thinking about what she said. I had found out when I was about 10 years old that there was very little I (or my mother) couldn't buy. What we couldn't buy outright, we could coerce until it was ours. Most of my friends at St. Paul's Prep School were the same. Maria showed me for the first time that some things aren't for sale. That was when I fell in love with her. I know that now. Then, well, let's just say that I was too stupid to think like that. Then, all I thought of was trying to find another way to get to her. Maria didn't come with her mother for almost 3 months. I guess she told her mother what I did, because her mom wouldn't even speak to me. I am sure her mother didn't tell mine. But I am equally as sure that if she had, my mother wouldn't have cared. The longer she stayed away, the more I realized that I missed her. Not tormenting her, not frightening her, not lusting after her. I just missed seeing her. Talking to her. Finally, after about 2 months of Maria's absence and her mother's silence, I walked up to Maria's mom and asked if I could talk to her for a minute. "Mr. Berisford, I can't imagine what we could talk about. If you'd like something to eat or drink, just tell me, and I will get it," she said. "Well, I, I," I stammered, "I just want you to tell Maria I'm sorry." Maria's mother just looked at me. Sorry was not a word she was used to hearing from either me or my mother. "I'm sorry not just for the last time she was here, but for the way I've treated her forever," I continued. "I wrote a letter to her, and I hope you give it to her. It just says what I told you, so if you want to read it to make sure, it's OK." I handed Maria's mother the letter and walked back to my room to listen to the stereo. About a month later, right after school started again, I was surprised when Maria was at the house with her mother. I just smiled at her and left her alone, reading in the living room. I went to the den, and started on my schoolwork for the evening. Although my mother wasn't much at disciplining me, one sure way to get her angry was to bring home a C on a grade card. Midway through my math, I glanced up and saw Maria standing in the doorway. I just smiled sheepishly and lifted my hand off the desk in greeting. I was nervous about what she might say. But, I was more nervous about what I felt seeing her standing there. "I got your letter," she said, simply. "I'm glad," I told her. "I didn't know if your mom would give it to you." "She didn't at first," Maria told me. "I think she wanted to see if you were sincere or just playing one of your games. She told me yesterday that she's watched you since you gave it to her. You seem to be a lot nicer than you used to be. Or you're getting more conniving and better at lying." That stung me. When I think about it, it stings me still. But I could hardly refute it, in light of my past. "I know. I really meant what I wrote. I'm only sorry it took a kick in the crotch to make me realize it," I told her, trying to lighten the tension. "If I would have known that's what it took, you'd have gotten one earlier," Maria told me, finally smiling. "God knows you've deserved a few over the years." I stood and walked over, holding my hand out. "Friends again?" I asked. Maria took my hand and said, "For now. But remember, I am not something you can buy. I will be your friend as long as you deserve to have friends." At the time, that sounded pretty good to me. ------- 1981-1988 From that day forward, I guess Maria and I were friends. Not in the spend-all-day-everyday-together sense, but in some ways, closer. Over the next two or three years, we spent time studying or talking about books or movies, but we didn't socialize outside of my family home. My mother saw to that. I had some girlfriends and I am sure Maria had plenty of boyfriends. She was beautiful, funny, friendly and intelligent. How could she not? But, we never broached on relationships. Still, I watched how she would treat people. How she carried herself with dignity and pride. I learned a great deal during those years. Somehow, hours of sitting next to each other reading, our legs touching, took on a different meaning now. It only seemed natural that we began to hold hands whenever we thought we were out of sight of my house. Then, I started going to wherever I knew Maria would be. Then she started doing the same thing with me. I amazed at how easily she fit in with my friends, how she was respectful but made sure she was respected. I made friends with Maria's circle, too. Especially her best friend, Miranda. It was Miranda who set up Maria's and my first real kiss. Somehow, the one I forced her to give me when I was 12 didn't seem like it should count. Miranda flirted with me outrageously. I was insecure enough to know it only was for Maria's benefit. At least I hoped it was. Miranda was pretty, too. But she wasn't Maria. Miranda used to playfully pinch my butt when I walked past. Or she would take my arm when we walked somewhere. She always made sure to sit next to me at the park or on the bus. I liked it, because as soon as she would get up, Maria always took her place, sitting closer or holding my arm a little tighter than Miranda had. Although I offered to treat them to a movie or to dinner, Maria never would let me. She resolutely refused to think I was buying her. So, we did free things. And I can't think of anything more fun in my life. We would go to library or find a nice spot on the grass at the park. Sometimes we would throw a frisbee or chase butterflies. But, always, we ended up sitting on the benches, talking and just enjoying the other's company. One day, while Maria had walked over to get a drink of water, Miranda leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "Uh, thanks," I said. "What was that for." She just answered crypticly, "You'll see." When Maria got back, Miranda decided she needed a drink and headed toward the fountain. As soon as she was gone, Maria started joking about me dumping her for Miranda. I turned to tell her that wasn't true, but she interrupted. "Do you remember when we were 12?" she asked. I knew immediately what she was talking about and blushed bright red. "I'm still very sorry about that," I told her, earnestly. "Do you think we could try it the right way," Maria said, now blushing as much as I was. So we did. It was the most romantic moment of my life. I had kissed other girls, but, outside of the one time that left me gasping for air on the floor when we were 12, never Maria. When our lips touched, it was like a bolt of lightning was sent straight to my heart. It was a sweet kiss, a gentle kiss. In the years since, I have had kisses with more passion, but never with as much sensuality. When we pulled apart, I was left gasping for breath once more. "Wow," I started. "That was nice." "Much nicer than the last time, huh," Miranda mentioned from behind us. I blushed for one reason, Maria for another. As always, when she got on the bus to head to her home, I stood watching as we wiggled our index fingers at each other. ------- As your average 15-year-old, I thought my mother was the most clueless person on the planet. In same ways, her ideas and her beliefs, I still think she was. But she was not so clueless as to not recognize my infatuation with her maid's daughter. And you can bet that she took great lengths to stop it. At age 16, I was sent to different prep school, one about 100 miles away. Maria and I would talk about once per month when I was home. Our lives were different. Our worlds were different. We just fell back into the comfortable mode of friends. OK, friends who would kiss occassionally, but mostly just friends. The summer of my 17th birthday, Maria's mother fell and couldn't continue her job with my family. Maria's family needed the income, so my mother hired Maria to work for her. "Remember, R.J., my mother told me. "Girls like Maria can only get out if they latch on to some rich guy. The best way to do that is to get pregnant. You stay away from her. Do you hear me?" I heard her alright. I just didn't listen. That summer, as I could see happening from when I was at school, my relationship with Maria changed further. In a way, it hurt me when it did, but in another, I understood. I also recognized that, once we were grown and on a level playing field, very little about me would interest someone as wonderful as Maria. During the summer, about once a week, I would meet Maria at the library and we would study for our SATs together. I knew her well enough to know that she would do fine. I also knew me well enough to know that I didn't give a shit. My mom would make sure I got to go to a good school. Why work? "Why work?" That was motto for as long as I could remember when I was younger. I would watch Maria's mother, then Maria, bustling around. Cleaning up my messes. Doing my laundry. Cooking my meals. For all the changes I went through in my teens -- from being a petulant, petty brat to someone I considered to be considerate and friendly -- it never dawned on me that there was something wrong with the way I viewed people. Outside of Maria's mom and some other workers at the house, I had very little knowlege of how the real world lived. The SATs were just another step in proving I am always right, and that life isn't fair. Maria scored in the top 2 percentile, and was awarded a partial scholarship to San Diego State. I scored well below and got accepted to Brown. Even at the prep schools I attended, I was richer than the rich and was accorded special treatment because of it. At Brown, I was just another student. A face in the crowd. No one special. I wasn't used to that, and actually had to develop a personality of my own. Most of it, I stole from Maria's, I must admit. I tried to treat people like she did. I tried to have the same dignity about me, even when I knew I shouldn't. In my first year of college, I found I didn't know shit about anything. I was just a snob from the West Coast. But, I made friends. Friends from many social classes. And I learned not to be a dick about things. I also was out from under my mother's thumb and away from her out-dated thinking. That helped as much as anything. Through it all, I thought of Maria. I wished she could see me. How I'd grown. Both emotionally and physically. I always played soccer in prep school. I was good, but never willing to work at it. At Brown, it became a passion. I also started playing rugby. It was a little too physical for me at first, since at the time, I was 6-foot tall, but weighed only around 150 pounds. But I learned. And I grew. By the time I went home for summer, I was two inches taller and weighed almost 200 pounds, and my frame had gone from bony to almost brawny. The summer after my first year in college was when my life changed forever. When I got home from Providence for the summer, the first person I wanted to find was Maria. But she was nowhere to be found. I asked my mother, but she just said, "Oh, Maria is too busy for us now. I wonder if she knows how she's been able to eat for the last few years. Because of us. Now, she works only one or two days a week. I guess she still needs our money sometimes." For the first time in my life, I stood up to my mother. "You know, she's in college. That is a lot of work, trust me. Of course, you wouldn't know, you didn't go. You latched on to money the first chance you got. Like you always claimed Maria would do. She didn't, but you did. "Mother, I promise you, if you do something to make that girl have to leave college or lose her dreams, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I will see to that." I guess my mother took that as a challenge. When Maria showed up for work at noon the next day, Mom fired her. Unfortunately, I was out of the house at that time, having been told by my mom that Maria wouldn't be there until 4 p.m. For the next few days, I cruised the library at San Diego State, looking for Maria. I didn't find her. I argued with my mother on an hourly basis for the better part of three days. She refused to give me Maria's new number or to rehire her. I knew I couldn't live like this. I knew I couldn't be responsible for Maria missing her dream of becoming a doctor. The fourth day after Maria was fired, I got up, packed a few clothes, and told my mother I was leaving. I told her I would call once in a while, but until Maria was back, she wouldn't see me. My mother said that was fine. To leave my house keys and my car keys and to get out. I'd be back before long, she told me. The boy I was might have been. The man I had become knew he wouldn't. As I was grabbing my clothes, I saw Maria's grandmother's engagement ring on the basin of the guest bathroom. I knew Maria always took it off while using chemicals. I stuck it in my pocket. On my way to the train station with the $214 I had to my name, I walked past the library at San Diego State one last time. As if by fate, Maria was walking out as I walked by. "Hey stranger," I said, just happy to see her. "Got a minute?" "R.J.? My God, what are you doing here?" "I came to see you. I'm sorry Maria. Mom firing you was my fault. I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did. I'm leaving. But, can I call you? Can you give me your address?" I tried to get it all out quickly. "R.J., I'm going to give up my old apartment. I can't afford it until I find a new job. What are you going to do? You can't just leave," she told me. "Yeah, I can. Someone taught me it is better to have principles. Someone I am very fond of," I told her, with Maria blushing slightly. "Call the registrar's office next month," Maria said as a car pulled up. "They will have an address for me. I got to go. My ride's here. See ya." Fourteen years later, she would see me. She just wouldn't remember me. ------- 1988-2001 Like clockwork, I called the registrar the following month and got Maria's address. I wrote a long letter telling her how much I missed her and how much she meant to me. It was returned, marked "Addressee not longer at this dwelling." As for me, I figured out I had no money and less skills. My future looked bright as day, right? I managed a series of short-term jobs (meaning I was fired pretty frequently), then, walking by a strip mall one day, I saw a sign that would change my life: "U.S. Marine Corps Recruiting Center." I joined, got a signing bonus of a couple grand, and three weeks later I was in boot camp. A year after that, I tested for recon. And a year after that I was in the first situation that my mom or I couldn't control. By that time, Robinson Joshua Berisford III was gone, replaced by a simpler, harder-working version known as Josh. I was part of a peace-keeping mission in Central Europe, when I was grabbed by a group of extremists. The very people were supposed to be protecting. How I got caught isn't of importance. It was my fault, plain and simple. I thought I could take care of myself. For 152 days, I was tortured and beaten regularly, to the point that if I had any information, I would have given it to them readily. After the first few days, after it was obvious to them (and to me) that I didn't know shit, I became the group's resident punching bag. My five captors took turns battering my body and my psyche, to where I truly hoped one of them would kill me. Through it all, each night, Maria came to me in my dreams. After I had forgotten to give her grandmother's ring back when I saw her at the library, I had a loop put around in, and wore it on a chain around my neck. It was all I had to remind me of her. On the 131st day, the most demented of my captors tore the necklace off my body, and put it around his neck. He told me that he would find my girlfriend when he was done with me and treat her the same way. I decided I was going to get the necklace back or die trying. On the 152nd day, my resolve strengthend by thoughts of Maria, he and his four friends paid for his mistake with their lives. As one of my smaller captors began to tie my arms about my head for my daily flogging, I brought my knee up as hard as I could into his groin (thanks again, Maria). With only one arm free, I stood on his neck until I crushed his windpipe. After I freed my other arm, I removed the dead man's firearm, and waited by the door for the next ones to enter. My escape wasn't dramatic, it was systematic. One by one, over the next hour or so, I killed them as the entered the tiny shack where I was kept. I made sure the one who had taken the necklace died last, and most painfully. As I retrieved my necklace off the not-yet-dead guerrilla, I saw the fear in his eyes that I knew once resided in mine. Then, I waited, guns in hand, for him to slowly bleed to death. My escape didn't last very long. Weakened from hunger and torture, and not really knowing where I was, I managed only about few hundred yards before the adreline rush I was on left me, and I collapsed. Somehow, I awoke in the U.S. Army Hospital in Germany. To this day, I don't know how. It was there I learned of my mother's death from a stroke about 2 months into my captivity. My life was about to take another turn. Four weeks after I had awoken, and a month after I had escaped, I was given a full discharge from the U.S. Marine Corps because of the hardship of my mother's death, and the fact they worried that my captivity had warped my mind. As my plane touched down in San Diego, I realized that I was not quite 22 years old, and had an estimated net worth of almost half a billion dollars. But, I saw what running my family's company had done to my father, who died at age 38 when I was about 3, and my mother, who turned into a money-grubbing shrew at about the same time. I was determined not to let that happen. I set up a receivership to run the company, hands-off, until I finished college, at which time I planned to sell it to the highest bidder. At Brown, I had majored in business for the year I was there. I was there long enough to know business wasn't for me. This time, I wasn't going back east, instead deciding to attend San Jose State. Once there, I found my true calling, mechanical drawing and architecture. I also made sure I had time to search far and wide for Maria. All I found was that her mother died shortly before mine, leaving me absolutely no ties to Maria. I spent part of the summer in San Diego, going to the places we went, looking for people we used to know. After a fruitless search of more than a month, I gave up, realizing the necklace I wore around my neck would have to be enough from then on. But, it didn't stop me from looking for her everywhere I went. And it didn't stop me from dreaming of her almost every night. It also didn't stop me from trying to find some way to honor her. After graduation, I sat down with my attorney, and told him my plan. I already had sold my family home, putting the money in investments. I also sold almost everything out of the house -- the paintings, the furnishings. Although I am not a shrewd businessman, I like to think I am halfway smart. So I started a non-profit organzation, JB Enterprises. With almost all the profits from the business, my stock portfolio, my personal inheritance, I decided to build hospitals in poorer countries. I set up an office in Denver, and looked around for the first recipient of The Maria Grant, $5 million for building and $2 million for stocking and $3 million for training staff. I decided the first one would be built in Guatemala. My attorney introduced me to Sam, and I let him handle most of the logisitics of hiring workers, finding machinery and buying property. I handled the designs. Now, don't get the impression that these were large inner-city hospitals, like many are used to. These were simple facilities, enough for everyday treatments and minor surgeries, but certainly not a trauma unit. To build, stock and train a hospital of that size would take more than I had if I sold everything. Still, the response of the residents was overwhelming. I saw the first hospital only after it was built. I promised not to do that again. I was careful that no one knew who was behind JB Enterprises, or that I was the sole member of the committee who decided where we should build. Word of mouth spread quickly, and before I knew it, I had applications for Maria Grants pouring in weekly. I decided that to do what I wanted, I was going to need help. So, I hired an office manager named Gwen to keep things straight for me, to organize the applicants, to set criteria on where we built. And to make sure the dumbass who owned the company didn't run it into the ground. She was a Godsend, let me tell you. After we decided where to build the second clinic, I felt comfortable enough to leave the day-to-day operations to Gwen and went with Sam to help build it. Although I wasn't good at construction, Sam was a patient teacher. He also became my most valued friend. Gradually, I got better at building, and would stand speechless as my drawings became a reality. It was over a few beers back in Denver after the second hospital was complete, I told Sam about Maria. About who I used to be and why I was so different know. I even told him about my captivity in Europe. We began to build 2 clinics each year, and Gwen even found ways to get used, but functional, equipment donated to us. As our buildings continued to rise, so did our profile. Still, no one at the site knew that I was one behind the operation. No one but Sam. In our fifth year, we received more than 100 grant applications. It was getting tough to turn people down. I always felt badly about saying no to someone who needed it. But, I didn't have enough money to build a hospital in every little town in Latin America. I wished I did, but I didn't. After much debate, we decided to build our second hospital of 2001 in a small town in Belize. It was the first application we had received from the small country, but, Gwen fought hard for it. Finally, she won, sending me to the country from where Maria's grandparents emigrated to the U.S. in 1955. It was there I stood, watching the only woman I ever loved drive away down a dusty road, waving as she pulled away. ------- Chapter 2 2001 As Maria left, I turned to Sam. "I'm going around back to check the fill dirt," I told him. Mostly, I just wanted to be by myself for a few minutes, to take the time to collect my thoughts and keep from running down the road after Maria. "I think you might want to wait for a second," Sam said. "Look." He pointed down the road where Maria had just left. But she wasn't driving away. In fact, she was barreling back toward us, as fast as her little car could go in reverse. She was out of the door before it stopped moving. "R.J.?" she screamed as she ran to me. I felt tears on her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around my neck. "Oh my God! It's really you," she said. "I can't believe it. I didn't think I would ever see you again. Oh, God. Look at you. You have changed so much." Maria still had her arms wrapped tightly around my neck. Finally, she pulled back with her hands resting on my shoulders, staring hard at my face. "Why didn't you tell me it was you? I almost died when I looked the mirror and saw you waving. It was just like when we were young!" "I just figured you didn't remember me," I told her, shrugging my shoulders. "I mean, it was a pretty long time ago." "I've never forgotten you, R.J.," she told me and I could tell by the look in her eyes she meant it. "But, I did pretty much give up on ever seeing you again." I told her that I had almost given up, too, but I was glad I hadn't. "Ride back into town with me," she said. "We have so much to catch up on! My God, I can't get over how much you've changed. You're definitely not the skinny little boy I grew up with. But, I guess you weren't the last time I saw you, either." "More than just my looks have changed Maria," I told her. "And I hope we do have time to catch up, but I can't right now. I have a lot of work to do here. Plus, I was filthy and probably stunk to high heaven. Definitely not what I pictured when I dreamed of meeting Maria again. "We don't work during the afternoons because it so hot. We have about an hour left this morning before it gets unbearable. Then we'll come back after 6 p.m. to work. Maybe I can get cleaned up and meet you in town this afternoon for a while." "Oh, no. I am not letting you out of my sight this time," she said. "Who is charge here? Maybe we can work out some way for you to take some time off." Sam stepped forward. "Well, I think I can do without him for the evening," he told her. As I started to protest, he concluded with a smile and a pat on my shoulder, "I somehow think my boss would forgive me." I knew immediately that he was right. But I still was nervous about being around Maria. What if I had changed into a person she didn't like? What if she had changed? What if the person I had become didn't compare to the one in her memory? I stood there, lost in my thoughts, until Sam pulled me back to reality. "Go hose off," he told me. "Then get going. You have the rest of the day off." "With pay, of course," Sam added with a sly grin. It was agreed that I would meet Maria in town at the only place I knew, a little basic shop near the small clinic where Maria worked. I took a few minutes to wash two or three days of accumulated grunge off my body, then walked back to our campsite to change clothes, realizing the only things I had were work clothes -- jeans, T-shirts and cut-off shorts. I guessed I was going to have to make the best of it. I put my baseball cap back on and began to walk the quarter-mile into the town, my thoughts racing a million miles a minute. What would I say? Would we have anything to talk about? What if I was right all along: in the real world, what did I have to offer Maria? I began to feel those old feelings of inadequacy that I long ago put away. But still I walked on. As I turned the last corner before the meeting spot, my mind was a blur. I saw her standing outside, talking to an elderly gentleman. When I noticed the ease in which she carried herself, the grace she always had, I figured that if she looked past my faults when we were younger, maybe she could now, too. Maria's face broke in to her trademark grin when she saw me walking toward her. I was pretty sure things would be OK. ------- OK would be, at best, an understatement. She had put together a small picnic and led me to a little spot near a small river that ran past the town. We walked arm-in-arm, talking about how life had brought us to this point. Then we sat under a small tree and talked more. Over the next hours, I found that Maria had left San Diego State after I saw her, and she had worked for a semester to help pay her tuition. Finally, she earned a full-scholarship to Cal-Bakersfield where she finished her undergraduate work about the time I was heading home from Central Europe. I found that for two years she and I lived less than a mile from one another when I was at San Jose State and she was in medical school at Berkeley. I told her about trying to find her, and about the letter I had written. I mentioned that I joined the Marines, but didn't tell her about Europe. When she asked about my mom, I told her simply, "I haven't seen her in a while." I guess it was true enough, but still not the truth. "Oh, R.J., I can't believe I came between you and your mother," she said, genuinely upset. "You really haven't seen her since you left? You really have changed. The last time we talked, I figured you'd be back there in no time." "First, Maria, R.J. pretty much is gone," I began. "I'm known as Josh now. R.J. was who I was when I was a rich, snotty kid. Really, at lot of who I am now, I learned from you. I meant what I told you earlier today. You taught me more about being a human being than anyone. I was a little nervous about coming here after I saw you at the job site. I wasn't sure you'd like the man I've become. He's far different from the boy you knew." Maria was blushing furiously beside, more beautiful because of it. "I can see that," Maria told me. "I could tell it embarrassed you that I didn't recognize you this morning. Not only do you look different, but you act different. Though I know it hurt you today, you didn't push it. The boy you were would have, maybe even made sure I was embarrassed too. Even though I cared about you a lot back then, you still were pretty used to getting your way. "But, today you just kept smiling at me and tried to make sure I wasn't embarrassed. I am a little surprised that you are working doing manual labor. I think you changed more than even you realize. I just want you to know that if you're happy with the decisions you've made and the person you've become, I am sure that I will be too. "You still have all your best qualities, you just refined some of the rougher ones," she finished with a smile. Finally, she asked how long I had been working in construction. "Since the second clinic was built," I told her, still not really wanting her to know much about my life. As much as I thought she was an adult version of the sweet, sincere girl I had known, somehow my mom's voice popped back into my head. "Be careful, she's probably only after your money," it said. "I met Sam after I got out of the service," I continued. "I am pretty good at reading plans, and I am getting better at building things. Eight of the 10 of us have worked together pretty much since the beginning. We're almost like a little family." "I could see that," Maria said. "It's nice for you. Speaking of family, do you know Miranda is here, too? I came down in 1997, after I completed my residency. She followed about six months later. I can't wait to see her and tell her I finally found you! "She and I did almost all the work on the grant proposal. I was so excited when it was approved. Now, after seeing you again, I am even happier." It was my turn to blush. "I heard it was really tough to get the grant," Maria continued. "Miranda talked to a group in Guatemala who got one two years ago. They said it took them three tries. But, they said that the group who gives them always sent back a letter, explaining why they didn't receive one and encouraging them to apply again. Miranda said it was a good sign since I'm named Maria and it's called the Maria Grant. "When we got the letter in March, I figured that was what I would be looking at. But then, Miranda talked to someone named Gwen and she filled me in on what would be happening. Gwen was so great, taking us step-by-step through the process. And two months later, it's a reality. "Have you ever met Gwen?" Maria asked. "Yes, I know Gwen," I told her. "She's pretty well keeps things running, from what I understand." "I heard that there is a small group who gives out the grants," Maria continued. "Do you know how it works?" "Well, some," I told her, wishing the conversation would move another direction. "It's pretty much like you said." "Is it true that one guy put all the money up for this?" she asked. "Yes, that part is true," I told her, wondering where this conversation was going. "Have you met him? I mean Gwen told me a few things, but she said he was pretty secretive," Maria said. "Yes, I know who he is, and Gwen was right. He is fairly secretive. I don't think many know who he is," I told her, a little disappointed. I was starting to think Maria had become a little more money-conscious as she grew. "What's he like?" Maria continued with the questions. "I guess he's nice enough," I told her. "Maybe a little hard to get to know, but once you do, I think he's OK. Really, I get the impression that he just wants to do something right." "Well, if you see him again, just let him know what he does makes a difference. These people in this town will have a much better life because of his efforts," she said. "If he wanted to do something nice with his money, he picked the right thing to do. Just let him know, from us here, OK, R.J.? Oh sorry, I mean Josh. That is going to take some getting used to. Josh Berisford. It has a nice sound to it." "I'll tell him," I said. "I know he will be pleased." Of course, since I was he, I knew for a fact he was pleased. The longer we talked, the quicker the years disappeared. We found ourselves sitting shoulder to shoulder against the tree. Our laughter accentuated by the rippling of the nearby river. It had been 14 years since we spoke, almost 16 since we sat and visited for this long and nearly 25 since we first met. It felt to me as though we just spent time like this yesterday. Gone were the hours of longing for Maria, wondering where she was, wishing I was with her wherever that might be. I now was with her. I knew it would impossible for me to lose her again. "This is so nice, Josh," Maria said, as she placed her head on my shoulder, just like she used to when we were 15. "I've missed you, missed us, so much." As she leaned closer, her eyes moistened a little, our lips barely an inch apart, I took her hand in mine, and couldn't believe what I felt. An engagement ring on her left hand. ------- I pulled my hand away from Maria's as if stung. "I'm sorry, Maria," I said. "I didn't realize you were engaged." Forcing a smile, I continued, "I hope he realizes just how lucky he is." She glanced at her hand, a look on her face I couldn't recognize. "I, I guess I am engaged, R.J.," she said sadly. "I got caught up in seeing you again. I, I forgot. I should have told you." Again, I tried to put her at ease, but I think I failed miserably. I had so many emotions running through my head -- guilt, hurt and, yes, even betrayal. "It's OK," I said. "I think we both got caught up in seeing the other. It's been too many years." Our conversation was strained for a few minutes, and I was beginning to wonder if maybe I should get ready to head back to the site. But, after a while, our talk turned back to familiar things, and we spent another two or three hours visiting. But we didn't touch the other again. Finally, it was getting dark, and I knew I should go. At the same time, I knew when I left her this time, I really would finally have to leave her behind — for good. "Maria, I can't tell you how great it is finally see you," I said. "For a long time, I wondered if I ever would. Now, at least I know you are well and you're happy. I also hope we won't go another 15 years without talking." "Well, 15 hours maybe," she said, a smile forming. "I'll come out to the site tomorrow and get you in the afternoon." "Well, I'm not sure about that," I told her. "If we are going to get the clinic under roof in two weeks, it's going to take some work. I think I probably should stay and work for the next couple of days. Just to make sure that we get done on time." Maria knew what I was doing and probably why I was doing it. But, she wouldn't let me off the hook easily. "I saw Sam had a cell phone on his belt," she said. "Do you have one?" I told her I didn't, Sam was the only one who needed one, since he made the arrangements for deliveries. "Give me his number," she practically demanded. "I'll call and check to see how busy you are before I come out." I recognized the determined look on her face, so grudgingly, I gave in. "Why don't you wait a day to call," I said. "That way it won't look like I am trying to get out of work. OK?" I knew that would give me time to make arrangements to be very busy for the next few days. At least until I could sort out my feelings. "Alright, phones are pretty scare through here, but here is a number you can call me at," she said, taking a piece of paper from her purse to write down both numbers. "Come on, I'll give you a ride back to the site." "Nah, that's alright," I replied, laughing. "It's a pretty night and I'll just walk. I need to stretch my legs a bit after sitting for four or five hours." We walked back into the small town and I left Maria at her car. "Even if we get busy and I can't visit with you, I promise I will stop in before I leave to say goodbye," I told her. The hurt in her eyes was evident as she got in her car and drove away. ------- The walk back to the site was the loneliest I ever had taken. Always before, in the darkest parts of my life, there was a light. A hope that one day I would find Maria again, and she would love me as much as I did her. Now, that hope was gone. As I thought, absentmindedly, I traced my fingers around the necklace I had worn for the better part of 14 years, the engagement ring of Maria's grandmother. The ring I hoped to one day give to her as a testament of my love for her. I knew, the next time I saw her, I would have to give it back, but not with the sentiment I wanted. Time seemed to slip away as I walked and thought. In no time, I was back at our campsite, silent because everyone but me had put in an arduous day of work and now slept easily. I knew that I would have no such luck tonight, nor did I envision rest coming easily for a while. I pulled my sleeping bag out of the tent, so my tossing wouldn't wake the guys, and headed down to the clinic. I sat, dozing occasionally, until morning. Maria came to me in my dreams as she always did. But this time, the wedding dress she wore wasn't for me. As she walked to the altar this time, my view wasn't watching her come toward me, but rather it was her walking away from me. I knew I probably should stop her, just like I knew I should go to her, this very minute, and tell her I loved her. Tell her that I couldn't bear the thought of living without her. But, in my dream as in real life, I didn't. I made up my mind to let her go. To let her be happy. Even if it meant I couldn't be a part of her life. ------- I felt the others walking toward me before I heard them and instantly was awake. Sam saw me and came over. "Long night last night, huh," he said, with his best shit-eating grin. "The longest I've ever had, Sam," I told him without humor. Over coffee, I filled him in what happened and asked him to make sure there was something for me to do during the afternoons, at least for a few days. Sam, in his wise way, looked at me like I was an idiot. "You know, when I first heard of this idea of yours to build hospitals in countries most haven't heard of, I thought it was stupid," he said. I was stunned and more than a little angry. Sam had always been my biggest supporter, finding good in even my dumbest ideas. I started to say something, but he stopped me. "Now, just let me finish before you get all pissy on me," he continued. "It sounded pretty good in principle, but I didn't think you could pull it off. Hell, I figured after the first one, you'd give up. "But, you didn't. And what I thought was a stupid idea turned out to be a great one. The only reason we are still doing this is because you wouldn't give up. If someone told you it couldn't be done, you found a way to do it. If someone said it costs too much, you found a way to do it better, cheaper. "Up til now, this has been the most important thing you've ever done. But, goddamn it boy, it ain't anymore. You lived your whole fuckin' life for yesterday. You always looked ahead, but you kept looking back. "Guess what, yesterday's gone. It ain't coming back, now matter how much you want it to. But tomorrow, tomorrow is another story. I've never told you how to live your life. I thought you were a fool for waiting, hoping to find your Maria. I didn't say anything, but I thought it. I thought that until I saw her and you together. But, I will tell you something, if you don't put yesterday aside and look at tomorrow, then not only are you a fool, you're a damned fool." My lack of sleep and general morning disposition got the better of me, and I spoke before I thought. "Sam, what in the fuck are you talking about," I asked. "Today, tomorrow, yesterday, fools, damned fools. Is the heat getting to you? "You're right, Sam. Yesterday has played too big a part in my life. But tomorrow don't look too fuckin' sunny from where I sit either. Just make sure I have stuff to do in the afternoons and remember who signs your fuckin' paychecks." Sam, never one to lose his temper, just smiled at me. "Boy, you hear, but you don't listen," he said. "Tomorrow is what you make of it. You pissed away 15 years waiting to find her. Now you found her and you're just gonna walk away. That's not the man I know. That's not how the son I never wanted handles things. Think about that for a while. I'll find stuff for you to do in the afternoons as long as you want me too. "And, just so you know, Gwen signs my paycheck, thank you," he added with a grin. True to her word, Maria called Sam's phone a little before 10 a.m. And true to his, he told her I was tied up for the afternoon. Sam said he'd find things to keep me occupied, little did I know he would make me pay for my stupidity by making sure I spent the hottest part of the day in the sun. That afternoon, I thought I was going to drop, carrying wheelbarrows full of fill dirt from where we found it to where we needed it. But, at least when I finished, I was so exhausted; I slept like a baby for two hours until it was time to start the evening work. By nightfall, I was too tired to even eat and, like a repentant child, went to bed without my supper. The next day, Maria called again, but Sam covered, saying I had to go to the city about an hour and a half away to get supplies. As I returned from trip, I was surprised to see a car at the job site and Sam standing there talking to someone. At least the car wasn't the one Maria had driven the first day. Even from 50 yards away, I could tell by the sunlight off her auburn hair that Miranda decided to pay a visit. Sam walked over as I got out of the beat-up truck we were using. "Do you have a harem now, Josh. Or should I call you R.J.?" he asked, jokingly. "Is a new girl going to show up every couple of days looking for you?" "I'm glad one of us finds this funny," I replied. "What is she doing here?" Sam told me Miranda has arrived about 20 minutes after I left and steadfastly refused to leave until I got back. "She already made me promise to give you a little more time off tomorrow, Josh," he said. "I think you should count yourself lucky she didn't chase you to Belize City." As Sam and I carried the last of the supplies to the tent, Miranda fell is step beside me. When I finished putting the materials away, she cocked her head to the side like she always did. "Well, aren't you even gonna hug me, you big goof?" she teased. I gave Miranda a soft hug and a small kiss on the cheek. "It's good to see you," I lied. Well, it was good to see her. I just wished it was under different circumstances. "Maria said you'd changed, but I didn't think she meant that much," she said, looking me up and down. "Hard work looks like it agrees with you. She even said you changed your name." I smiled a little. "I didn't really change my name," I said. "I just went to a little less pretentious one." "So, took the stick out of your ass, huh?" Yep, same old Miranda. "I guess. Look, I need to rest a little before I have to go back to work," I told her. "I'm sorry, but we have a pretty thin timeframe to get this completed and stocked." "I know, I already talked it over with Sam," she informed me. "I know you have a lot of things to do, but I convinced him he could do without you tomorrow night. I'll pick you up at 2 o'clock." "Miranda, I can't do this to the other guys," I said. "It isn't fair for them to have to cover for me while I go out with beautiful women." "I know that, too," she replied. "I already talked to them about it and gave them a short version of how long it's been since we've seen each other. They understand, R.J. Sorry, Josh. Maria's right, that is going to take some getting used to. See you tomorrow. Remember, 2 o'clock. And do you have anything nicer than what you're wearing? We're going back to Belize City for dinner." I looked down at the dirt-covered blue jeans and work boots. "No, Miranda. This is pretty much all I brought. I wasn't exactly planning on a social tour." "No problem, that just means we have to shop a little first. Try to clean yourself up a little before I get here," she said, grinning. In fact, Miranda had done exactly what she'd said. As I returned to the campsite, all the guys told me not to worry about taking the time off. In the past, we had covered for each other for a variety of reasons. Like I said, we're almost like a family. By 1 p.m. the next day, we were well ahead of schedule, so there was no way I could beg off. By 2, I had cleaned myself up as best as possible and was waiting when Miranda pulled in. ------- As we drove, Miranda and I caught up on our lives. Well, mostly I caught up with hers. Maria had filled her in on my travels and travails. At least what she knew of them. "Listen, I don't know how much money you have," she said. "So whatever you want to buy, I'll pay for. And dinner is on me, too. God, I didn't think I would get the chance to say that to you." I assured her that I was doing fine financially, so long as it didn't get outrageously expensive. "As for dinner, maybe we should just go Dutch," I told her. I have to admit it was nice being around Miranda again. But, I realized it might be the first time the two of us had been together without Maria. That lessened the enjoyment I was feeling considerably. Shopping with Miranda was not a treat. Finally, I just bought a pair of decent shorts and a pullover and told her that was the best she was getting from me. Luckily, my sneakers didn't look as old as they probably were. So I thought I could make do. All in all, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. Finally, at dinner, Miranda hit me with both barrels. "You know why I brought you all the way out here, don't you?" she asked. To be honest, I had no clue as to why, and told her as much. "Well, you'll see in a minute," she told me. "But first, there are some things you need to know. "Maria told me what happened when you saw her engagement ring." I started to feel very uncomfortable with where this was headed. "You're more of a gentleman that I gave you credit for. And more of one than you should be," Miranda continued. "Yes, she is engaged. There is nothing really wrong with her boyfriend. I think he's a jerk, but I think most men are. Carlos is a bit like you. Well, the way you were. His family has money, but he seems to have manners. I know he probably is a decent guy inside, but he has a pretty bad temper. "Maria cares about him," Miranda said. "And I have to admit, he's handsome and occasionally funny and charming. There is just one flaw in him that I can see. One thing that keeps Maria from loving him." I waited, expecting Miranda to tell me he was an ax-murder or child molester. What I got was worse. "He's not you," she simply said. "If you hadn't come back, Maria probably would have been relatively happy as his wife. Now, I don't think she can be. For the past two days, every time the phone rang, I watched her hopes rise, thinking it was you. When it wasn't, I saw her spirits fall again. "The main reason I brought you here is because Maria and Carlos will be here in a few minutes. It will give her a chance to see how she feels inside seeing you with me, because, although you're sweet, I always used Maria's jealousy to push her toward you. It also will give you the chance to see her with someone else." "Miranda, I think perhaps we should go," I told her, getting angrier each minute. "I don't want to play the games we did when we were 14 and 15. Maria's life is different. So is mine. I think we all are too old for this." "Well, speaking of games, there is another reason we're here," she said. "Maria and I figured out who the JB in JB Enterprises is. And we recognize who the Maria Grant is named for. That's why I offered to pay for the clothes, to see how far you'd take this." I tried to look puzzled. I didn't succeed. "Josh, R.J., whatever the hell your name is now, give us a little credit for Christ's sake," she said. "How long have you known she was here? Why didn't you just come down to see her? You didn't have to do it this way. When I talked to her today, she was pretty mad about the way you handled this. Although I doubt I should have, I felt it right to warn you about it." Now, I truly succeeded in looking puzzled. Before I could answer, I saw Maria walking toward the table. ------- "Miranda, Josh, I didn't expect to you two here," Maria said with more than a trace of anger in her voice. "I see you can find some free time after all." I could see this wasn't likely to go well for me. Apparently my puzzled look made Miranda realize all wasn't as it seemed. "It was my fault, Maria," she said, willing to take the heat. "I sweet talked Sam into letting him go for an evening. I just wanted to catch up with him." Maria's look toward her oldest friends was not one of pleasure. "Yeah, perfect opportunity for a little catching up, isn't it," Maria said. "Try not to catch up on too much. Well, you two have fun. Josh, I hope we can have a chance to talk before you leave. There are some things I want to say to you, but not here." With that, she turned and walked back to her fiancé. "Well, that went over like a lead zeppelin," Miranda said. "But, at least you know she feels the same way about you. We can deal with that in a minute. First, you didn't do this just to see her, did you?" "I didn't know she'd be here," I said, tracing Maria's ring around my neck again. "I was surprised as hell when she drove onto the job site. I thought the heat had fried my brain." "I'm sorry, Josh. Maria was so convinced that you did this for her," Miranda said. "No, I guess I just did it because of her," I replied, knowing that is exactly why I had. Miranda stood up, walked around the table and took my hand. "Come on, you're right," she said. "We're adults. I think we get this straight." Before I could protest, I was being pulled toward the table where Maria sat having a rather heated conversation with her fiancé. "Carlos, I have someone I want you to meet," she said. "This is one of our best friends from when Maria and I lived in the States. Josh, this is Carlos. Carlos, this is Josh." I extended my hand in greeting as Carlos glared at me. Finally he reached across the table to shake my hand when Miranda added, "But when we knew him, his name was R.J. I think you might have heard Maria mention him." At that, Carlos' glare turned from displeasure to sheer anger. "So, this is R.J.," he almost spat. "I'm surprised that you have fallen so far as to a common laborer." "Carlos," Maria started, but he just turned his venom toward her. "Oh, yes. I know you had a very nice time with one of the construction workers the other day. Nothing you do gets past me." With that, Maria's temper reached a point I hadn't seen since my misguided attempt to kiss her when I was 12. "How dare you," she said in a voice louder than what she intended. "To spy on me." "It seems I have reason to, now doesn't it," Carlos replied. "You'll remember it wouldn't be wise to embarrass me like that again. A common laborer. Maria, if you are going to have a fling, at least have better taste." Now, my temper was soaring. "It looks like Maria's taste has dropped significantly since I knew her," I told him in an even voice. Then, looking at Maria, I said, "You could have done so much better." As I got up to leave, I heard Maria say "You bastard," but I wasn't sure if she was talking to me or not. I got my answer when Carlos' hand shot toward her face. As the sound of his palm striking her cheek echoed through the restaurant, Carlos got very little time to enjoy his manly triumph. In a second, I grabbed his arm and heard the sickening crack of his wrist breaking. In three seconds I had snatched him off his chair and was dragging him by his neck through the eatery. As I got to the door, I pinned him against the wall and whispered into his ear, "As God is my witness, if you ever hit her again, I will put you in the ground." Then to add injury to insult, I punched him in the mouth and tossed him outside. The last I saw of Carlos, he was stumbling to his car and driving away. As I returned to the table, the manager was staring at me. In my calmest voice, I told him, "Don't worry, I was just taking out the trash for you." Maria was crying, and Miranda was steaming as I got back to the table. "Are you OK?" I asked her, putting my hand softly on her shoulder. "If I would have known he would hit you, I wouldn't have egged him on. I'm sorry, Maria. I didn't mean to disrupt your life. I hope you know that." Now it was Maria's turn to be angry. "Is this part of your plan?" she asked bitterly. "You find me, you lie to me, then you turn my life inside out. Do you think you're 12 again, R.J.? "Why did you do it? How did you find me? Why didn't you just come down or call me? You didn't have to give us money just to visit me again. Is that why we got the grant on our first try? I told you before, I am not something you can buy." It took me a minute to regain my senses after the barrage. "Maria, some of what you said is true," I began. "I guess since you figured it out. I should tell you the whole story. "First, I am the one who started JB Enterprises. And the Maria Grant is named for you," I told her. "I started it after I graduated from college. Mom died about 10 years ago. Right after yours, I found out. I was sorry to hear about your Mom. She was a very nice lady. "I didn't like what money had turned me into. So I decided to find a right use for it. Judging from the reactions I have seen at the other places, I would say I made a pretty good choice. "But, Gwen is in charge of filtering all the applications. She boils them down to why we should or why we shouldn't consider each application. Since the first couple of years, I don't see the originals. She doesn't know about you. I hope you believe that I had no idea you were here. If I did I would have been here years ago. Money or no money. "But, when I decided to do make this my life's work, there was no way I couldn't name it after you. Because if it weren't for you, it is hard to tell how I would have turned out. It was just my way of saying 'thank you.' I can't make you believe me. I can only tell you the truth." Maria wouldn't even look at me. As I stood, preparing to leave, I remembered one more thing I had to do. I took the chain from around my neck and slowly unclasped the loop from around the ring. "Maria, I found this many years ago, the day I left home," I began. "It's been around my neck almost every day since, because one day I wanted to return it to you. I think this probably will be the last time we see each other, so I guess it has to be now." As I looked at Maria's grandmother's engagement ring, I finally got to say part of what I dreamed of saying for years. "Maria, I know how much this meant to you. Over the years, it has come to mean a great deal to me, too. But, now it is time for it rest where it belongs. With you. I only wish you knew how much I owe you, not just for when we were younger, but for the years since. I held this ring close to my heart as a memory of the one person I'll always love." There were tears in my eyes as I put the ring on the table next to her hand. They were flowing freely as I walked outside. ------- Chapter 3 2001 Miranda stared at Maria, then shifted her eyes to watch Josh walk out of the restaurant. "You're going after him, right?" she asked. "He's telling you the truth, Maria. He loves you. He's always loved you." Maria simply sat there, looking at her grandmother's ring. "Jesus Christ, we just can't leave him to find his way back from here," Miranda continued. "If you don't go get him, I will." "Go then," Maria told her. "He might have loved me. He might think he does still. But he doesn't know who I am. He only knows the me in his mind. I know he wouldn't love me now. He couldn't if he knew me." Miranda stood up. "He can't if you won't give him the chance," she said, then headed toward the door. "Don't forget, you forgave him for a lot of shit. Don't you think he'll do the same? If you let him go, you'll regret it forever." Maria didn't look up, but answered, "What's one more?" ------- After I left the restaurant, I walked about two minutes before it dawned on me -- I was a crime statistic waiting to happen and I had put myself in the same position I was in Europe. I knew I couldn't go back to the restaurant, but I also had to figure out how to get back to the camp. The street was relatively active, but since I didn't know exactly where I was, I pretty much was screwed. I thought my best bet was to find a phone and call Sam to pick me up, but that proved fruitless. Then I decided I would have to find Miranda for a way back. As I walked past the restaurant, I glanced through the window, hoping maybe Miranda was there. But she and Maria had left. I hoped Miranda had waited for me by her car, if I could find the damned thing. After a couple of false starts, I found a street that looked vaguely familiar and located Miranda's car with her sitting behind the wheel. "I was about to give up on you," she told me. I shrugged. "There's a lot of that going around," I said as I got in beside her. We both were silent for the first part of the ride back. Miranda searching for the right thing to say; me looking back on the years I had wasted. "I'm sorry, Josh," Miranda said, finally. "I shouldn't have butted in. I thought I knew what's best." "It isn't your fault, so don't be hard on yourself," I said, and surprisingly I realized I meant it. "I guess it's best now that I know how things stand. "You know, I had finding her again all planned out in my mind. What I would say, how I would feel. What she would do." I told Miranda about how I never doubted I would find Maria one day and how I didn't doubt for a minute she was my one true love, even now. "I had such an elaborate plan for her grandmother's ring," I said, smiling ruefully. "After we met and realized we loved each other, I was going to ask her to marry me. Then propose to her with the ring I wear. Or, wore, I suppose. It seems I neglected to let Maria in on her role in my fantasy." As I finished telling her my thoughts, Miranda suddenly pulled off the road. "Josh, I thought you carrying her ring around for all these years was the most romantic thing I'd ever seen," she said, her eyes filled with tears. "But, you topped it. You have to tell her all this. Don't tell me. Tell her. She needs to hear it." "Miranda, I am just starting to realize that the past 20 years of my life have been a lie," I said. "I thought that first day, on the riverbank, it might have been real. But this is real, Miranda. Now is real. What I feel inside this very minute is real. "Sam and I were talking the other day. He told me that I have spent almost my whole life looking backward. He told me to look ahead, to start thinking about tomorrow. I guess maybe I should." "I'm so glad you said that," she told me. "I worried that you wouldn't." "Why?" "Because, I thought you were going to let her go without a fight," she said. "You belong with her, and you proved tonight with Carlos that you can fight when you need to." I stared silently across the car. "Miranda, we had the fight," I said softly. "I think now I just have to let her go. The funny thing is, I didn't consider that maybe I didn't mean as much to her as she did to me. I mean, I did, but I thought I could prove to her that I am a good man. "It didn't occur to me what would happen when I found her and things didn't work. I guess I will find out soon. I didn't mean to hurt her. I hope you, at least, know that. I didn't mean to let her think I was the same guy I used to be." As Miranda pulled back on the road, she took a minute to glance at me. "I know you're not, Josh," she said. "And I think she does too." "I'm not sure," I said. "When we were growing up, I know I did some stupid things. But only once on purpose. And I regret that to this day. I wish I could change some of things I've done as an adult, too. But not many. I sure as hell would change the past couple of days though." "Honey, you have to realize that Maria is just like you," she said. "She's not the same little girl you used to hold hands with. Where life has changed you, it's changed her, too. You seem to have gained perspective, but, in a way, she's lost some. That happens when you're taken advantage of too many times. In a way, part of it's your fault." "In my head, I know you're right," I replied, thinking rationally for the first time in days. "Even when I didn't mean to, I took advantage of her. I realized that too late." "That's not what I mean," Miranda replied sharply. "It's your fault because she expected every guy she met to treat her the way you did. And when they wouldn't or couldn't or didn't, she thought it was her fault. She worked hard to get where she is, damned hard. But, it took a lot out of her. She made sacrifices where she didn't have to and made decisions she wished she didn't. You said it yourself, you have those, too. You can't expect to miss out on 15 years of a person's life, walk back in and start where you left off." "I know I carried an idealized version of her with me for these years," I said, my sadness gradually giving way to hurt. "But, I was willing to get to know how she turned out. She wasn't." "Bullshit," Miranda said. "You were willing to get to know how she turned out so long as it fit into the world you already had created for her. Then when she didn't fit the mold you cast, you turned away." "What the hell does that mean?" I asked. "She told me how you reacted to finding out she was engaged," she said, her voice rising. "And I know how you hid behind Sam to avoid her. So what you're saying is pure bullshit. Don't fool yourself. You and she started out as friends after you got over the 'I'm-better-than-you' routine. "It took you time to learn she wasn't what your mom said she was. It took her time to learn you weren't who she thought you were. You've been apart for more years than you were together. And both of you have lived with the thoughts of the other in your heads for your entire adult lives. Did you stop for a minute to think that maybe, just maybe, it would take more than a fleeting glance across the room or an afternoon at the riverfront to fall in love again?" "No," I replied, thoroughly abashed. She was right. In all my thoughts — my dreams and schemes — never once did that pop in. "Do you see it now?" she asked. "Yeah, I do," I replied sheepishly. "Let me ask you," she said as we neared the campsite, "in your mind, when you fell in love and lived happily ever after, where would it be? Here? Or did you expect her to go with you? What if she had been married already? You say you thought about finding her for so many years, why didn't you stop to think it might not be as you imagined? Did you stop to think you might not be how she imagined?" Miranda knew I had no answers for her questions. Or rather none I was prepared to share. "Think about that," she said. "I have to go check on Maria." "Do me a favor, OK?" I asked. "Tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I didn't mean to hurt her. And let her know I'll never forget her." "That's something you're going to have to tell her yourself. You owe it to both of you if this is how it ends," she said and drove away. ------- I spent another restless night away from the campsite, sitting propped against one of the few trees that surrounded the future home of Maria's clinic. The depth of Miranda's words finally sank in. I hadn't given Maria a chance after I learned of her engagement, when I found out that the ideas in my head were going to have to remain there. I realized I reacted in much the same way I would have when I was younger. In haste and in anger. I truly enjoyed the time I spent with Maria and I let my disappointment outdo my common sense. But, was it too late to rectify that? Would it be possible for me to talk to her and convince her that I realized the way I treated her was wrong? It occurred to me that I had expected Maria to have put her life on hold. As I reflected, I realized that was what I had done. Aside from Sam, I had no close friends in my adult life. I had acquaintances and drinking buddies. I had colleagues and business associates. I had people I worked with and people who worked for me. But no friends. Over the years, as it looked like someone might get a chance to know me well, I turned away. The longest relationship I had since Maria was three months. I always enjoyed being around others, so long as they didn't want to be personal with me. I was more than willing to share my time with them, but never my heart. My heart couldn't be part of the relationship, because I always thought my heart already was spoken for. Then I wondered: Did Maria and I ever have a relationship? I know I thought we had. But what had she thought? It bothered me I didn't take the time to ask. Now or then. Would I be able to find the love for her that I put away years ago? Or was it gone, dried to dust like so many things that aren't used in years. Over the years, I thought I was different than the way I grew up. Now, I wasn't so sure. Did I still expected more from others than I was willing to give? The more I thought, the more questions popped into my head -- and the fewer answers I had for them. But, one thing WAS clear to me. Yesterday, literally and figuratively, was gone. I had to let it go. ------- "Sam, I guess you can consider this my two-week notice," I told him, first thing in the morning. After I managed to clear my mind of some things from the past, sleep came easier than it had in days. "You're kidding, right?" he asked. "What about your plans? Your dreams?" "I've spent a lot of years dreaming, my friend," I replied. "And for all that time, it didn't make a one of them come true. Don't worry. The trust that supplies the money for the grants is self-perpetuating. It won't stop because I do. So long as the company stays solvent, JB Enterprises will keep doing what it always did. It's just JB won't be around. "But, I hope you will take this opportunity to advance up the ladder, so to speak." "Up the ladder?" he asked. "You're getting too damned old to go traipsing around in this heat," I said, only half joking. "I was hoping that you would take care of the little shit I used to. Work with the lawyers and accountants. Help Gwen run the whole show." "Does this mean you're staying here?" he said, intentionally avoiding my offer. "Are things going to work out?" I didn't know the answer to either question, yet. "Well, Sam, I guess they will or they won't," I shrugged. "But, I won't know unless I try. If they do, Maria and I will figure out where we go together. If they don't I'll figure out where I'm going alone. Either way, I know I am not going back to where I've been. And I'm not going back to how things were. "A wise old fart once told me to quit looking at yesterday and try to see tomorrow," I continued, drawing a faint smile from Sam. "I know he was wise, because that is damned good advice. But, I know he was old, because he forgot the most important part: Don't forget about today. So, until we finish this project, I'll keep an eye on tomorrow. Once we're done, I am going to focus on making up for the todays I forgot to live." "Josh, I've told you this before, but I think you need to hear it again," Sam started, a serious look on his face. "You are one altogether fucked-up individual." As he broke out laughing, I wondered if he really knew how true that statement was. But I couldn't help but join in on his laughter, too. "So, this is it," he asked, suddenly serious again. "After this, the son I never wanted is gonna go off and seek his future." "Well, I'm gonna go off," I said. "I know that much. But, in all honesty Sam, you are the most important person in my life. You're like my best friend and father rolled into one. If you think, even for a minute, you're getting rid of me that easily, you're as fucked-up as you say I am." Sam's relief was evident, but still he joked. "Just when I thought I was going to get some rest," he said, a twinkle in his eye. "You'll let me know how it turns out?" "Sam, you'll know," I replied. "Either you'll be meeting us somewhere or you'll be getting calls from me from every beach I can find. But, I promise, you'll know. Speaking of which, I won't be needing you to cover for me during the afternoons now. In fact, I have a couple of things I need to do today, if you didn't already plan my off-time for me." "Josh, I know you know this," he said. "But, you don't have to work here. I think you should tell the guys who you really are, then you can come and go as you please." "Maybe at the end of this one, Sam, I will," I said, since I had thought about it the night before. "But, I have a commitment to you and them. I'll stick by that. "And," I said, looking at the spot where in a little more than a week a new hospital would stand, "I have a final commitment to Maria. However it goes, I owe her this." ------- By 10 in the morning we were almost a half-day ahead of schedule. I was surprised since most of the morning was spent with the guys having fun at my expense. "So, Joshy," one asked. "When's the next one showing up? What to you have this time, a bus load of nuns coming to say how sweet you are?" "Yeah, Josh," another joined in. "That one yesterday was a hottie. Should I ask why you didn't sleep in the tent last night?" "What about the first one? And she's a doctor. Think she'll take you away from all this," one asked, pointing to the dust and sweat that soaked our shirts. "Hey," they continued. "Are you sleeping a bed while we get a bedroll over hard ground? Or are you just in a bed. Maybe I should leave out the sleeping part." "Yeah, you have looked a little tired lately. Whichever one you don't keep, you have to throw back, you know." It continued this way all morning. Wherever I went, someone new was chiming in. Funny part was, I felt closer to the guys today than I had before. So, I just let them enjoy the fun, but was careful not to make any allusions to Maria or Miranda. To their credit, the guys pretty much kept their smartassed comments directed at me, leaving the other two out of the fray. Maybe it was because they didn't know how I felt about Maria or Miranda, maybe it was because they really hoped I would toss one of the two back. Maybe, but I was pretty sure that it was because these were decent guys. They realized I was fair game, but people they didn't know were out-of-bounds. By 10, they pretty much had witted themselves out, so I was went back to camp for a few minutes to rinse myself off. I should have known it would start a whole new round, but that was OK. It helped take my mind off what I was headed to do. ------- As I turned the corner near the shop where I met Maria earlier, I suddenly was filled with dread. All day, I had been confident I could face her. I could talk to her and apologize to her, probably for the millionth time in our lives. I had convinced myself that, come what may, I would be alright. As scant hundreds yards from the clinic where I knew Maria worked, I turned away. And found a spot where I could wait to catch up to Miranda when she left. I decided to talk to her, to try to scope out if what I thought was the right thing to do seemed best to her. It didn't take long for my opportunity to come, but not because Miranda left. Instead, Maria walked from the clinic and headed to her car, probably to pay a house-call I thought. If there was a doctor in the world who still made house-calls, I was pretty sure it was Maria. As she drove off, I walked to the clinic and saw Miranda looking over a small child with a large welt on her back. She saw me as I walked in. "Oh, now you show up," she said. "Maria just left." I was tempted to lie, but thought better of it. "I know, I saw her go," I said. "I was hoping to talk to you for a minute before I said what I want to say to her." "You might as well just tell me," said a voice from behind me. I turned and was face-to-face, again, with Maria. "Maria," I stammered. "I, oh hell, I came here to talk to you, but chickened out when I got close." It was then I realized the little girl still was sitting there. "Oh, I didn't mean to curse in front of you," I said to the child. "Please forgive me." Miranda just smiled and whispered something in Spanish to the girl, whose face lit up with a smile. "She doesn't speak English, Josh," Miranda said. "I just told her you said a bad word and didn't want her to think you were dirty." I smiled at the little girl and told her, in Spanish, that I hoped she would forgive me. She nodded, her smile never leaving. Finally, I knew I had to face Maria. "Um, I know you're busy, but I can wait until you get back," I told her, as she motioned for me to follow her outside. "Well, Miranda agreed to stay in the office today. I was on my way to your job when I saw you slink across the street as I pulled out," Maria said. "I wanted to talk to you, too. I was afraid you'd want to leave for home this morning, but I knew you couldn't get a flight out until later in the day." As we walked down the street, with children playing and a few folks bustling by, I realized we were headed to the riverbank once more. When we got there, I wasn't sure where to start. Maria had none of my trepidation. "I had a long talk with Miranda last night," she said. "I gather that you did, too." I nodded. "I should apologize for the way I reacted when I saw you sitting with her," Maria continued. "It surprised me. I felt the same pang of jealousy I used to feel when we were kids. I also want you to know I'm sorry for leaving you in a strange place like that. I should have been the one to leave. Not you." Finally, I felt the need to interrupt. "I appreciate your apologies," I told her. "But they're not needed. I think your reactions were based mostly on the way I treated you the other day. For that I apologize. One of many I owe you for the way I've acted. As for leaving, you didn't ask me to go. I left on my own. If I was too stupid to realize the possible consequences, I get what I get." Maria tried to say something, but I continued, "I also want to apologize for intervening in a personal matter between you and your fiancé. I know that if I hadn't shown up, what happened wouldn't have." Maria just shook her head. "As of that moment, he was my ex-fiancé," she said. "He's never treated me well, but I don't put up with that kind of shit. But, I can take care of myself." I couldn't help but glance down at her hand. I tried not to, but looked anyway. The ring finger on her left hand was bare. "But, I'm glad you were there," she continued. "Since the day I agreed to marry him, he's tried to take more and more control over my life. Although I didn't admit it to myself until last night, I just let him. So, I'm not disappointed that he's not my fiancé. But, I know he doesn't take kindly to what happened last night. Please be careful. That's part of what I was coming to tell you." "I will, Maria," I replied. "Outside of last night, I'm pretty careful about my actions, and, believe me, I have been in a lot worse spots than where I was last night. "Maria, can I just start rambling about things for a few minutes? I have a lot I want to tell you. Most of what I'm going to try to say will sound silly, if not downright stupid, and I am not sure I have the guts to do it unless I just do it. If that's OK, I promise to answer your questions honestly when I get through." Maria actually laughed at me. "It's funny how things change, but stay the same, huh," she said, still laughing, although, for the life of me, I had entirely missed the humor. "I guess," I said, not really knowing what else to say. "No, seriously," she said. "When we would go places or do things back then, I always worried about saying or doing something dumb. I always had to work up the courage to talk to you about important things. Then, when I would start, you couldn't get a word in. Do you remember?" I smiled as the memories of Maria's tireless rants, as I called them then, returned to my mind. "Yeah, I do remember the rants," I said. "Do you remember the time you overheard me tell a stupid racist joke to one of my buddies, and you thought it was about you? It took you two days to talk to me about it, then I don't think you stopped talking for two more." "It really pissed me off. Some of the things I overheard your mom say about me pissed me off too, but I held those things inside," she said, cringing at the memory. "I know it's bad to speak ill of the dead, but I spoke ill of her when she was alive, too. So I don't feel so bad. Anyway, I promise to hold my questions until the end." "Well, here goes," I said. "Some of what I say you already know, but there are other things I think you should know... Over the next seemingly hours, I gave Maria a relatively in-depth description of what I'd thought about the night before, my motivations in doing some of the things I had, and my wrongheaded notion that she would be exactly the way I pictured her. I told her about losing a part of my life that I was determined to get back, about trying to find out who I was, outside of her, about how I was going to move forward with my life and not continually think of the past. I left out some things I probably should have told her and included some things she probably didn't want to know. But everything I told her was the truth. Even the things I now wished I had thought through better, I confessed to. In the end, I felt as though a great weight had been lifted off my soul. Maria looked worried during parts of my monologue, then seemingly happy during others. Mostly, she kept her face neutral until I ran out of steam. Then she looked at me, with a trace of sadness in her eyes. I doubted in portended well for our future. "Our lives aren't that different are they?" she asked. "I can't say that, Maria. But I'd like to find out," I said with all sincerity. "I guess you should know some of the things I left out of my life story the other day," she said, but she wouldn't look at me, instead staring at the water rippling by. "I hope you know I meant everything I told when we were here before: I have missed you. "In my life, I've never met anyone like you," she began. "But, it didn't stop me from looking. I looked sometimes far too often. I guess you were content to live with a memory and search for the original. I wanted a replica." Tears formed in her eyes as she began recounting failed love affair after failed love affair. She still wouldn't look at me, but I felt compelled to reach over and put my hand on hers. I was grateful when she allowed me to keep it there, and even curled her fingers around mine. "As time passed, I admit to thinking about you less and less," she continued. "I convinced myself that we lost each other in high school, and that you weren't coming back. "But, every time you were gone from my memory for a while, something came along to remind me. Sometimes just silly things like two kids walking hand-in-hand. I always thought about the way you and I could have fun doing about anything. Once, it was an old man holding a chair for his wife to sit down that caused me to think of you and start crying. That was a tough one to explain to my boyfriend. "Every time I would have a fight with a boyfriend or a break up, I half expected you to come walking in. That's where you caught me at the library the last time we saw each other. "Finally, when I came here, I made the decision that you made last night. We weren't the same people anymore, and even if we did meet again, it would be different. So I decided to move on. Unfortunately, that move included Carlos. "In the beginning, he did treat me like you used to. But that changed over time. And I won't tell you I didn't love him. I might not have, but I think I did at one time. At the end, I didn't, I realized that a while ago. But that's not the point. "You say that you know I am not the girl who's lived in your head for 15 years. You probably still hope I am, though. And you'll still expect me to react to things like I did all those years ago. "R.J., Josh, the truth is, just like you turned out far better than you thought you would, I've turned out far worse. "You said, that first day at your job, you knew I'd reach my dreams. I didn't. I changed dreams so often that eventually I came back around to the first one I had. But I'm unhappy a lot of the time. I'm disappointed most of the time, and outside of Miranda, very few people can stand to be around me for very long. "I have a side I show to almost everyone, but that side changes quickly. I guess you know that now. I was the same way with you when we were younger. You only got to see the good parts of me. I hid the rest. I don't hide them so well anymore. "All things considered, maybe it would be best for you to live with the memory in your head than to have it replaced by who I really am." I was a little stunned. I couldn't picture Maria unhappy and certainly couldn't picture her being mean, even to a fly. I sat silently for a minute, and I think Maria took that as a sign I agreed with her. She slipped her hand out of mine and started to stand up. "Don't I get question time, too," I asked, reaching for her hand again. "At the end, if you decide you still want to go, I want you to know, I won't bother you again. I will leave quietly and never return unless you decide you want me to. But in good conscience, I can't go without trying to convince you to change your mind." For the first time in a while, Maria looked at me. "You want me to change my mind?" she asked incredulously. Thinking I had offended her, I decided the best way to handle this was with the truth. "Yes, I do," I said. "I know I'm not the same guy you remember. You might think I'm better, but you don't know me any better than I know you. Really, I don't figure we have that much to lose. Worst case, we find an old friend and spend a little time getting re-acquainted. Best case, we find our best old friend and spend a lot of time getting re-acquainted." "What you seem to miss, and I did too for a long time, is that, outside of Miranda for you and Sam for me, we probably know the other better than anyone. "God knows, you've seen me at my worst. And now you know I act that way still sometimes. We know where the other came from, and, though it took us a while, we learned to respect our difference and cherish our similarities. "You're right about what you said a minute ago: Our lives aren't that different. I hide as much as you do. But, outside of my role in the grants, I knew I didn't have to with you. "There are things in my life very few people know about. If you want to know about them, all you have to do is ask. I would rather you didn't ask at this point, but if it something you have to know, I'll tell you now. Although inside, I think you probably wish it wasn't, I still think there is a bond between us. Not as strong as it used to be, but still stronger than what we have with anyone outside of our closest friends. "I can't lie, Maria, I have dreamed of holding you and kissing you and making love to you. I'm sorry if that embarrasses you. But, I also missed talking with you, sharing things with you and relying on you. And having you rely on me. "For what it's worth, and bear in mind I am highly biased in this area, you're worth getting to know again — in any capacity you choose. "Maria, I'm leaving your memory behind, when I leave here. I have to in order to live again. But, even if I weren't, I'd be willing to trade it for the chance to have you in my life again. "So, I guess the only real question I have is where do we go from here?" ------- Chapter 4 2001 "With all the new information," Maria said, "you're still willing to give up what you have?" I met her question with a chuckle, although I didn't mean it badly. "What am I giving up? All my ideas, all my ideals, they're based on a fallacy, a ghost. I did most of what I did based on my belief that was what you'd want me do to. I am who am I am based on my belief that was who you'd think I should be. The past isn't what I thought it was. The present isn't what I thought it would be. "If you think we should, we'll go forward. I won't go ahead of you; I won't stay behind you; but I will go beside you. If that's what you want. We'll face it together." Maria's look softened as I said this, but only a little. "Maria, you don't have to decide now," I said softly, although I wished she would. "We have another week before I should go. And a lifetime before I have to go." For the first time in a while, Maria looked at me. "No," she said. "This isn't a hard decision." I know I held her hand a little too tightly at that point, but I was afraid to let it go. "If you go, I'll spend the rest of my life like you spent the last years of yours — wondering," she continued. "It may not work. But what if it does? Let's get to know each other again. If you're sure you want to." Outside of being sure that the sun rose in the East, I never was surer of anything in my life. "Well," I said, smiling for what seemed like the first time in days, "I think that answers part of the question. But, I guess, where I go from here is back to work." ------- For the next week, I worked as hard as I ever had, but I made sure each minute I had off was a minute I tried to spend with Maria. The offshoot was, I spent a great deal of time with Miranda, too. Because, as I suspected, Maria made house calls as often as people came to see her. During the week, I found out more about Maria, where she'd been, who she became. She was right when she said parts of her past would surprise me. For the most part, we stayed away from serious topics, since, for now, our time together was limited to an hour or so at a time. Only once, did we touch on a topic that presented a problem, but then only a small one. From her humble origins, her rise to prominence in the small community wasn't easy. She told me a little about her life after graduation, how she fought to get into a medical school and how despite her good grades it had been difficult. She told me her grades often suffered because she had to work. Although scholarships cover tuition and fees, they often don't touch incidentals — like shelter and food. I learned how she and Miranda had lived in a one-bedroom apartment, smaller perhaps than my office in Denver. She told me about the cans of tuna they shared because eventually, they became tired of eating Ramen noodles, and they could afford little else. Part of her life, she laughed at now. But parts of it, I could tell, bothered her still. At one point, I tried to offer a bit of solace, saying that all of us face those times. She rebuffed me, somewhat cruelly, I thought. "You didn't, did you?" she asked. "You always knew you could go home. You took your shots, I guess, but you knew that if life dealt with you too harshly, you had a fallback. I didn't. I had to do whatever I could. Not just for a job or a career, but to survive." I accepted this as best I could, still wishing to keep parts of my life hidden, for reasons I didn't understand. "Some of what you say is true, Maria," I said, with a bit more force than I should have. "But, I made my choices never expecting to go back. I could have I guess, but I wouldn't have. And I've seen some things I wouldn't want my worst enemy to see again, but I would have gone to bottom of the well before I took help without the conditions I'd set being met." She softened some, but not much. "Oh, and what were those conditions, a bigger allowance," she asked sarcastically. I knew it was best to just cut my losses here. "It doesn't matter what they were," I told her. "They didn't include me in the least, but what's done is done. I just hope you know how much you mean to the people here and how glad they are for what you've accomplished." She looked unhappy, but accepted my segue with grace. "Oh, I know, I think," she said. "But it wasn't an easy road." I wished the road we were on now could be easier, too. My conversations with Miranda were a lot more jovial. While I still had difficulty showing my emotions around Maria, I had no such inhibitions with Miranda. When I would stop at the clinic, I often was greeted with a warm smile and a soft hug, but only from Miranda, never from Maria. Just as when we were young, the hugs were tighter and the kiss on the cheek a little closer to my mouth when Maria was around. And, just as when we were young, I didn't mind in the least. What I did mind was the palpable tension in the air when Maria and I would meet at the clinic. Finally, I asked Miranda about why she and I could joke, but Maria and I couldn't. "You're silly sometimes," Miranda said. "You're both so scared of making the other uncomfortable, and you both have so many guards in place. It really is fun to watch. "But, don't worry, Maria and I talk about you all the time. She's happy you're here and decided to stay for a while. It will take some time to break through the ice." As the hospital rose on its foundation, Miranda — and to a certain extent, Maria — rose in my estimations. Finally, a full 12 hours ahead of schedule — a new record for JB Enterprises, which always worked on a tight schedule — the hospital was built and ready for the equipment to be placed. I stood proudly with the rest of the crew and a small group of locals as the final door was put on its hinges, fittingly by Sam. He walked toward us, his face filled with pride, as I'd seen 10 times before now. "Guys," Sam started, a tear forming, "this one is special, for many reasons. "I think you know that this is probably the last time Josh will be with us," he continued. "He may be back, but I don't think so." As everyone looked at me, I saw they probably knew I wouldn't be. "Happiness comes in many forms," he said. "For many of you, it's the few months you get to spend at home, with your kids. For the others, it's the few months you get to spend at home without me. "For me, it's working with all of you. We come from different backgrounds, but we're the same. You're my kids. All of you. "But, like this is Josh's last round, it's mine, too. The big man asked me to take over some of the day-to-day stuff. And I decided to kick my old ass upstairs. So, when we start building again next year, I won't be here." This was news to me. Although I made the offer a week before, Sam had deferred comment each time I broached it. "But, I'll be watching back in Denver," Sam said. "Probably closer than I did before. So, tonight, like we always do, we'll have a few beers and talk about who we are. But tonight, we'll have a bit more to talk about." With that, he turned to me. "I think most of you know that Josh has become almost like a son to me," Sam continued. "Some of you probably have guessed why. Some of you maybe haven't. Some of you I doubt care. "Josh wasn't willing to say anything, well, because it ain't his nature. But it's mine. I've had a week to think about this, and I think you ought to hear my reasons why." I thought I should try to intervene, but Sam was having none of it. "Now hush, Josh," he started again. "This is my farewell speech. You'll get your chance. Truth is, Josh is more than just a hired hand here. I ain't sayin' the rest of you are, but it's no coincidence his initials are the same as the company's owner. Josh is the JB in JB Enterprises." The silence around me told me the guys hadn't guessed my secret. "But, he's been here every day, hot and cold, for as long as the rest of us," Sam said. "He's one of us. He worked his ass off just like we did. He didn't ask for more, but he didn't accept less than we did. "Each time we finished one of these," Sam went on, gesturing to the now-finished structure, "it was his dream. It was our work, but his dream. "But, funny thing is, he's no prouder than you are about what we accomplished. Because he knows it couldn't have been done without us all. And just because he's not gonna be with you anymore doesn't mean it's worth less." The applause from the small group of men brought a lump to my throat. I realized, as hard as I tried not to, I had friends after all. Sheepishly, I spoke. "Well, most of what Sam said is true," I began. "I don't want you to think I deceived you guys out of spite. Mostly, it was because I knew the best way to get your respect was to earn it. "I hope I have. But, one part that Sam said was wrong. This stopped being my dream a while ago. It became our dream. The pay isn't good enough for you to work for the money. And I've gotten to know each of you well enough to say that you do this not because you have to, but because you can. "For that, I know that I am eternally grateful. Right now, our dream lives in 11 towns in six countries. I've been looking for something for longer than we've known each other. But, I found it here. Or at least I think I have. So, I think it's time for my dreams to change. But, so long as you guys do what you do, JB Enterprises will live. What Sam said holds true for me: you're all my brothers, and you never need but ask and I'll be beside you." Our night was spent, like it had been so many other times, around the camp, with a few beers and a lot of lies. But this night was filled with talk of the future, not of the past. As nice as my night was, it didn't compare to how great my next day started. For the first time, I awoke to see Maria sitting next to me. I hoped it wouldn't be the last time. ------- "Hi, Josh," she said. "I didn't mean to wake you. You were sleeping so soundly." I assured her that she needed never to worry about waking me. "In fact, this is just about the first time in years I haven't started cursing first thing in the morning," I said with a smile. "Ask Sam, if you don't believe me." Maria smile as broadly as I'd seen her in years. "Oh, Sam said to wake you at my own peril," she said, stifling a laugh. "I thought I could risk it." She turned serious in a heartbeat. "I was wondering, the equipment is coming today, right?" she said. "So, the rest of the guys are going to be leaving later?" I had explained previously that while we had the skill to move the equipment in, none of us knew how to install or operate it. "That's right," I told her. "The rest of the group will be flying out in a few hours. But, I'll be here to fix a leaky roof if that crops up. Another group will be in Monday to give you brief training on the equipment, although I doubt you'll need it." Maria continued to look past me. "Josh, have you thought about where you'll stay while you're here?" she asked. "There are no hotels within 100 miles and not exactly a budding real estate market in town." I realized I hadn't given that much thought, supposing I would just stay at the camp about 200 yards from the clinic. Yet, I wondered where this conversation was headed. "Not really," I said. "I guess I'll just stay out here for a while, at least until I see how long I'm going to stay. Then I'll figure out something else." "So, you weren't planning to stay with me?" Maria asked. I really hadn't considered this option. "Maria, I, uh. No, I hadn't really thought of that," I told her. "We hadn't talked about that, so I wouldn't want to presume." She looked a little relieved. "I know we haven't talked about it," she said. "But, it would be easy for you to assume that, I guess. I'm glad you didn't, though. "But, you can't stay out here. With the others here, it was safe, but alone, I don't think it would be." I tried to assure Maria that I would be fine here. But she was not really interested in listening. "Without the Carlos thing, maybe you could," she said. "Once he finds out you stayed and, worse, if he founds out you're here alone, things could be very bad." Suddenly, I saw her point. I have no doubt that I could handle Carlos, one-on-one, in a fair fight. But I doubted he was the type to do his own dirty work. "Well, I guess I can stay in Belize City for a while until I find someplace here," I told her. "But, I'd rather stay closer, to be honest." Maria smiled again. "I didn't say you couldn't stay with me or Miranda for while," she said. "I just didn't want you to assume you could. We're staying here while you guys take the equipment in, then we'll talk after." ------- The medical equipment arrived shortly after Maria did, and we moved it inside the structure as efficiently as possible, with Maria and Miranda directing us to where everything should be placed. After, I bid a warm farewell to the rest of the crew and pulled Sam aside for a minute. "It's been a lot of fun, my friend," I said, fighting back the tears. "You know it's hard for me to let go of things I care about. "I'm not going to tell you goodbye, because I think goodbye means forever. So, I'll see you soon. As soon as I get a cell phone, I'll call you with the number." "You'd better," Sam said, his eyes in the same shape as mine. "But, you know, this ain't our last rodeo, my boy." As Sam headed to the van to ride to the airstrip, he left me with some parting words, "Be happy, Josh." I watched another chapter of my life close and turned to see what I hoped was the last chapter standing near me. Maria, Miranda and I stood watching the van leave for a minute, then they turned to walk to Miranda's car. "Have you got your stuff?" Maria asked. I knew I didn't have much, just some old work clothes and a pair of shorts and pullover shirt I had bought when I went shopping with Miranda. "Yeah, pretty much," I told them. "You guys go ahead, I have a couple of things I need to do, then I'll meet you in town." Miranda spoke before Maria could. "Bullshit," she said. "What are you going to do? Mope around? Get your ass in the car." She was right. I had wanted the time to mope around. Still, I headed to the car. "See, Maria?" she joked. "You just gotta train them right." As we got to the car, I asked a question that had bothered me for a week. "Do you like the clinic?" I asked them both. "Is it what you expected?" Maria reached over and took my hand. "It's beautiful," she said. "You have no idea how much it means to this area. I can't wait to get started here." As we headed for the river, for the first time in years, I truly believed things would be all right. A few minutes later, the three of us were discussing my living arrangements. We agreed that it was unlikely that I would be able to purchase an existing house and if I could find someone willing to sell one, I would be expected to pay well-above its value. It seemed the best bet would be to take the small piece of land beside the clinic that JB Enterprises still owned and build a dwelling. But, there also was a difficulty in finding help. Well, finding it wouldn't be a problem, but most of the help I could find wouldn't have much technical knowledge. So, I would have to bring in a group from Belize City or, maybe even bring my old crew back down, for the more difficult parts. I knew I would have plenty of time to work on it by myself, but I wasn't sure that would be enough. It certainly seemed like something I should have thought of earlier. Luckily, Maria and Miranda had. "Josh, Miranda and I have lived together for almost half of our lives," she said. "For most of that time, we saw each other 24 hours per day. It took a toll on our friendship. We both need time to ourselves." I began to interject about not wanting to be a bother, but was stopped by Miranda's hand across my mouth. "Thank you, Miranda," Maria said, with a smile. "I hoped that wouldn't be necessary." Now, smiling even bigger, she continued. "We've already worked out a plan, so just listen for a minute, then you can make comments," she said. "As I said, we both like time to be alone and, well, time away from each other. "At the same time, we both are fond of you," Maria said, now blushing a bit. "But, neither of us is comfortable having you come live with us." "Yet," Miranda added and drew a glance from Maria. "So we will rotate somewhat," Maria continued. "You can stay with Miranda a day, then me a day, then Miranda and I will stay together a day. "We live within about 2 minutes of each other, so it won't be a problem. "But, we have to careful. People here are a little behind the times at least as far as you're used to." Finally, Miranda, took her hand off my mouth. "I'm glad you two were thinking of things I should have been," I told them both. "But, you think too much. I realize that it will be an imposition on you both to have me underfoot. That's the last thing I want. "But, there is no reason for either of you to have to stay with the other. I don't mind being shuttled back and forth, but I wouldn't feel right staying at either of your houses without you there." Miranda giggled, then said, "Some people are curious about you already. I don't think you will find anything else but curiosity, but keep in mind, some of the younger women are pretty curious about you, too. You might need some time alone, too." I wasn't sure, but I think Maria shot Miranda a pretty harsh glance. "Well, that's not exactly what we talked about," Maria said, still looking at Miranda. "But, during our conversations, I take it you have lived mostly by yourself for many years. I think you should have the same time for yourself as we should." "But, I will get time to myself while you're both at work," I said, thinking I was making a point. "For the next few days, I might be around you some, but not much." Maria and Miranda gave the other a look I didn't understand. "That's another thing we should discuss," Maria said. "Since it was Miranda's idea, I'll let her explain." Miranda began, like the whole thing had been rehearsed. "Well, the place we're using now for a clinic is not going to be used any more," she said. "It's not really the sort of place you could live in, but, Maria and I want to use it for private offices. Neither of us has had an office before. "I was thinking that it is big enough for you to have an office there too." "Uh, Miranda," I said, now a bit baffled. "I'm not a doctor, nor would I like to be. I'll leave that to you two. In fact, in about 3 days, I will be unemployed." "Not that," she replied. "But, it could be a place to do your drawings and work from. That way you don't have leave JB Enterprises completely. Of course, that means, you'd be around one of us at work almost every day." She chuckled a little bit before continuing, "That is, if you decide to stay." It seemed like a perfect idea. It also struck me for the first time that Maria had considered the possibility of long-term. "I don't mind that idea at all, I mean working there," I said, a grin firmly planted on my face. "I think we could work that out without much trouble. "I have one other problem," I told them. "I need to get to Belize City to look for transportation and to find some clothes and other items. I know both of you have taken just about as much time off as you dare, so can I borrow one of your cars?" "Absolutely not," Miranda said, laughing. "I've seen the way you shop. One of us has to go with you." I laughed along. "I've been shopping with you, that's why I want to go alone," I said. Maria had evidently been left out of the joke, because she looked confused. After I explained, she chuckled, too. "You survived shopping with Miranda," she said, still laughing. "You probably could survive out by the clinic by yourself. "But, I guess that means you will have to go with me." Well, I'd had worse offers than that, so I gladly accepted. "I hate to be a pest, but how soon can we go?" I asked. "Sam left behind a couple of things for me, but I really could use some clean clothes and a cell phone. I also want to look at some computer equipment. So, I really think I should go today while you two head back to the clinic." After a few minutes of debate — me trying to be left out of the shopping spree, Maria and Miranda insisting that wouldn't be the case — it was decided Miranda would stay and watch the offices while Maria and I went to Belize City. After a few minutes of driving, Maria turned to look at me. "We're really going to do this, huh?" she asked. "This all seems so fast. Two weeks ago, we didn't know for sure that the other still existed. Now, we're practically going to move in together." I wasn't sure how to answer, so I just nodded, stupidly. "A part of me is really scared, Josh," she said. "I'm not so blind that I don't see there are things about you that you haven't told me. "You and I act almost the same around others, and I know I have my reasons. Some of those you know about, some you don't. So, I don't blame you for keeping some things to yourself. "Eventually, we have to let the other into our world." I wasn't expecting a serious conversation on the drive. I know I should have been, but I wasn't. So I wasn't prepared. Still, I knew she deserved an answer. "Maria, our lives have always been different. Right now, we're as similar as we've ever been," I said. "That is somewhat scary to me, because I always enjoyed our differences. "There were times in our lives when we had little in common. But after I proved I deserved it, we always shared respect. The years haven't changed that from my part. "I have kept things from you," I continued. "It has nothing to do with respect or trust. It has to do with how much difficulty I have talking about parts of my life. I suspect the same is true with you. "But, I don't think here is the right place to talk about my regrets. Before we play musical houses tonight, I promise to tell you anything you want to know. "And, when you're ready, I will listen as you tell me about yours. OK?" Maria glanced over at me again, but this time, I detected something in her eyes I hadn't seen in years. Could it be love? ------- Shopping with Maria was a lot more pleasant than with Miranda. I actually got to make my own choices, although Maria reserved the right of veto. A right she took seriously. I was also pleasantly surprised that U.S. currency carried still carried so much value in Latin America. By 4 p.m., we were headed back to town, my new wardrobe safely tucked in Maria's car and me driving a used, but serviceable truck. I also managed to locate a computer store with the most modern of equipment. Although some of my things would have to be sent from Denver, the computer I found would work very well in the office I planned to set up in Belize. As we entered town, I realized that I had no idea where Maria lived. When she pulled up in front of a small house on the far side of town from clinic, I pulled in behind her. "Be it ever so humble," she started, "This is where I live." I could tell by looking that Maria had spent a good deal of time making the house into a home. "It's beautiful, Maria," I said, my awe not hidden. I was glad when Maria put her arms around me for a hug. "Come on," she said, with a hearty laugh as we started to gather my things. "Let the neighbors start talking." Once inside, Maria placed her arms around me again. "I know we are going to be moving around a little for a while," she said, looking closely at me. "But I want you to consider this your home." I was a little stunned. "Thanks, Maria," I managed. "I guess it's been a long time since I had a home." As we stood there, arms around each other, I doubted things could get any better. Somehow, they did. "I haven't said it yet," Maria continued, "but I'm glad you stayed. You're right about the bond between us. It's just hard to think of you as I see you now." "But, it's getting easier, Maria," I answered. "At least for me. I really do like what I'm finding out about you. "You're more complex than I remembered, but most likely, I just didn't notice that earlier. But, I'm so happy we're getting to know each other again." I stood there, holding Maria, lost in my thoughts, treasuring the feel of her body against mine. But, Maria slowly pulled out of my embrace. "Do you think we can talk seriously for a few minutes, before we get in over our heads?" she asked. I nodded. "I think we should," I said. "But, I'm not sure it isn't too late for the over our heads part," I added with a small smile, although I meant each and every word. As we sat, not beside each other on the small sofa, but rather opposite each other on chairs, Maria spoke. "Josh," she began, looking downward, "I don't know where to start. Parts you know, but some parts of it you couldn't imagine. "Do you remember how I always told you that you couldn't buy me? That I wasn't for sale?" Again, I nodded as Maria continued. "For a while," she said. "I was. I was for sale. To anyone. And I hate myself for it." I tried to stay calm and assess what Maria was saying. "Before I got the scholarship to Cal-Bakersfield, I needed money," she said. "So I worked as a stripper. Then, I found I liked having money so much, I became an escort." As Maria started to cry, I tried to comfort her. "We all do things we wish we didn't," I said. But, Maria was having nothing to do with my attempts. "R.J.," she said. "Do you understand what I'm saying. I am a whore. I let people fuck me for money. I hated it. But, I hated being poor more. I'm just like your mom said I'd be. "I would do anything with anyone as long as they paid me enough money." As Maria's tears came with more force, I stood and closed the distance between us, taking her in my arms again. "Maria, honey," I began. "I am the first to say that money does strange things to people. You were young. You made mistakes. People screw up, honey. "Our mistakes can't rule our lives. You regret what you had to do. I can see that. Others can forgive you. You have to forgive yourself." Maria's head was buried in my shoulder as she cried for a while longer. "I thought you'd hate me when you found out," she said. "I hate me for doing it. I want you to hear the whole story. I want you to know what kind of sick, disgusting person I am." I held Maria tighter and said, "I know what kind of person you are. I see it everyday with your patients, with me. You're wonderful. I see things about you when you don't realize I'm watching. So I know. You don't have to tell me any thing else if it hurts you. I have some ghosts I live with too." "There are things you have to know," she said. "I hate sex. I haven't sex by my choosing in 10 years. I hate intimacy. "It scared me when I was sitting with you the first time we saw each other again. It scares me when I am sitting here like this. Because I want to kiss you. I want to make love with you. I want you close to me. "It scares me, and it makes me think of things I don't want to. Because now you know I really am something you can buy, you might want to try to buy me." Now, I was confused. "Maria," I started again, "Our relationship was never physical. That's why it was so hard to let you go. I could find people who were willing to have sex with me. I haven't found someone who makes me feel inside the way I do when I hold your hand or see you smile. "I won't ask you give something you're not willing to give freely." I guess, for maybe once in my life, I managed to say the right thing. Maria wrapped her arms tighter around me neck and kissed me softly on my cheek — the first kiss we'd shared since our re-acquaintance. "Thank you," she said. "Only Miranda, and now you, know about that part of my life. I'm glad you know. "And I'm glad you didn't leave," she added, with a slight sigh. "I worried you would." I returned a kiss to her cheek and whispered softly, "I'm not leaving you." As Maria settled her emotions, I decided to go for broke. "Maria, I think you should know about what haunts me," I said. ------- Being me is not an easy thing. I tend to make my most egregious errors at exactly the wrong times. This was one of those. In my effort to explain about my demons — killing five people and being tortured and the scars it left behind — I stood and started to remove my shirt. Maria blanched physically when I did, thinking it the start of a sexual overture. She realized it wasn't when she saw the scars across my abdomen and where my ribs had been broken and hadn't healed properly. "Oh, my God!" she exclaimed. As I lifted my shirt higher and turned, she saw the marks didn't stop. They continued up my torso from front to back. The scars had faded over time, but still were noticeable. The markings of sticks and chains. The scars of cigarette burns on my skin. The bumps where bones had to be re-broken to be set right. "This is what one of my worst mistakes earned me," I said. "These are on the outside, you can see them readily. They are a reminder to me every day. "It doesn't compare to the scars you have inside. The ones in my mind don't either, I doubt. Maria, these scars remind me of the mistake I did to get them. They also remind me of the person I can become. "Maria, the men who gave me these, I killed. What's worse, I enjoyed it. I can't reconcile the fact that you try to make human life better, and I am capable of taking it. Not only am I willing to kill, but I like it. And I know I could do it again, if I had to." Maria was still looking at the scars on my chest, so I decided I should put my shirt back on. "Wait," she said as she walked to me. "Oh, Josh, these look terrible. How did it happen?" In detail, I told her about my experiences in Europe. "The reason I always will love you is because you're the only way I made it out, Maria," I finished. "Without you, I would have died there. But, you know what I'm like now. Worse than Carlos, even. I'll go if you want me to." As I turned around to gather my shirt, Maria's arms encircled my waist and I felt her lips kissing the scars on my back. "No," she said. "We both did what we had to to survive. We let wounds fester. They closed, but they didn't heal. Let's heal together." I turned and accepted Maria's embrace and her lips moved to mine. Her kiss was as sweet as I remembered, but I was elated when I felt her tongue tracing my lips. We stood there, kissing for what seemed like days. Finally, we parted. I was spellbound by the beauty in Maria's smile. "I think we're going to be OK, Josh," she said. I certainly agreed with that assessment. ------- Chapter 5 2001-2002 For a while, things were OK. The clinic was flourishing, and Maria or Miranda would come home beaming each day with a new story of who they'd been able to help because of the facility they occupied. The three of us settled into a comfortable routine. One of the women would work at the clinic and the other would be at their offices with me. Miranda and I got along famously. Even after the "do you remember this or that" phase ended, we still found something to talk about. In some ways, being around Miranda again was like being 15 again. We had water balloon battles with some of the local kids. We'd take bike rides. We even played hooky one after noon and drove into Belize City to visit a batting cage and watch a couple of baseball tournament games. Sure, it wasn't Coors Field, but it was a nice distraction. My relationship with Maria, while not flourishing like the clinic, was at least constant. We'd spend the evenings I stayed at her house chatting and catching up, but there was always an unspoken line. We could talk about what we'd done that day. We could talk about things we remembered. But we never spoke of the future. We couldn't seem to find a way to move past first gear. It was frustrating and awkward, I think for each of us. When I tried to talk to Maria about this, so just said it was a big adjustment for her and we needed to let things play out. I accepted this as a reasonable explanation and put it off as something I'd created in my mind. Another big adjustment was the loss of my anonymity. Almost everyone in town knew Miranda and Maria — either by name, by face or by reputation. Soon, everyone knew me, too. I couldn't get used to having people point at and talk about me every time I'd pass. I know they did the same to Maria and Miranda as well, but it either it didn't bother them or they'd gotten used to. The worst part was, although I speak passable Spanish, I had a problem picking up the local dialect, so half the time I couldn't determine if they were saying good or bad things about me. The first chinks in the armor came about four months into my stay. The next clinic was to be started in a couple of weeks — and I'd been in the tiny town for almost six months now, excepting an occasional visit to Belize City. I know Maria had to have seen that I was going a little stir-crazy. Outside of my time in captivity, I've always lived in or near a major metropolitan region. I'm not a hugely social person, but I enjoy a movie or evening on the town every once in a while. I was constantly walking on eggshells around Maria — I didn't dare suggest we take a trip into the city or even get satellite television. She fought me tooth and nail when I bought — without asking — a cell phone for her and Miranda. She only relented when I mentioned the clinic was relatively isolated and the phone service there was spotty at best. Maria's time was limited and much of the payment for Maria's and Miranda's services wasn't in currency but in goods or in-kind trade. On more than one occasion I'd drive to the clinic to pick up a piece of livestock that was payment for medical treatment and then drive two or three towns over to a farmer or rancher who would buy the animal from them or butcher it for them. The women's salaries — paid by the government — were meager. It provided enough for necessities, but left little for anything outside of those. On the afternoon we skipped out to Belize City, I think Miranda saw how crazy small-town life was making me. When she asked me if I wanted to go, at first I declined. "You can't afford that," I told her. "I can't. But you can," she said. "It never bothered me you had money. Hell, the only reason I didn't ask you to buy me a pony when I was 12 and a car when I was 16 was because Maria would have killed me. You know you don't have to purchase my friendship. But if you want to, I prefer straight cash these days." So we went. And I had a great time, but for the first time I started to wonder if I was going to be happy living this way even with Maria. It was also the first time I realized that Maria was just going to have to get over the money thing. There was no reason for me — or her and Miranda — to live like paupers. I was supposed to stay at Miranda's that evening so I rented a hotel suite to avoid another night on a couch. I figured we'd drive back first thing in the morning. Miranda took one look at the gigantic bathtub and decided that would be her first stop. "If I'm not out by morning," she told me. "Just leave me here." It wasn't morning, but it was almost an hour later when she came strolling out. "Holy, balls," she said, laughing. "That is what you can get me for Christmas!" I told her the tub wouldn't be a problem, but given our water system, we'd probably have to take turns pissing in it to get it filled. "Yeah, I doubt bubble bath and urine go well together," she joked. But then she turned serious. "Josh, I'd like to tell you it gets better there," she said. "But it doesn't. The life we have there is the life that will be there 10 or even 20 years from now. I'm a city girl, like you're a city guy. It took me a while to get adjusted there, but I was already used to the poverty part. You've been doing well so far, but I can tell you're starting to get to the end of your rope." I told her "end of the rope" might be stretching it, but I was frustrated sometimes that I didn't have some of the amenities I had taken for granted. "I'm used to a month or two of 'roughing it' and then I go back to my air-conditioned office and my king-sized bed," I said. "When I came down here, that's what I expected to happen this time, too. The evenings I stay by myself I'm so bored I've started going into the office and surfing Internet porn sites." Miranda laughed and said, "You too, huh? We'll have to compare bookmarks sometime. You have to talk to Maria about this. I've tried to tell her, but she doesn't seem to want to listen to me about this." I mentioned that Maria wasn't paying much attention to me on this subject either. We agreed that neither of us was going to find an answer, but there was no reason not to make the best of the situation at hand. I headed to the shower for what I was sure was going to be the first consistently hot, full-pressure washing I'd had in months. I was just starting to enjoy the scrubbing when Miranda knocked on the door. "You're only bothering me because you know I'm naked in here," I joked, but I wrapped a towel around my waist and opened the door. She was standing there holding the cell phone. I could hear Maria's voice through the earpiece. She didn't sound pleased. ------- Miranda stared at the scars on my chest for a moment before dragging her eyes to my face. With a questioning look on her face, she pulled the phone away from her ear and whispered, "It's for you." I pulled a shirt on before I answered, and Maria lit into me like I'd killed her dog. "You couldn't wait for me to get used to things, could you," she yelled. "I can't believe you're sneaking around with Miranda. How could you do this to me? She's the only friend I had." I should have taken a deep breath or counted to 10 or something. I didn't. "Maria, what in the fuck are you talking about?" I yelled. "No one is sneaking anywhere with anyone. Are you out of your fuckin' mind?" I was greeted with stony silence for moment, then Maria launched into another tirade. "Now you lie to me," she sobbed. "Are you going to tell me you didn't sneak off the city for an afternoon and that you're not in a hotel room, naked with Miranda right now? She already told me you were." I realized, except for the towels that covered all of our good parts, I had been naked in a hotel room with Miranda. "Honey, hold on a minute," I started only to be met with "Don't honey me." "OK, Maria, hold on a minute," I tried again. "Factually, you are correct — although both us have on towels. You're simply taking the whole thing out of context." She told me, "See if you can take this out of context." Then she disconnected. I tried to call her back for the next five minutes, but got voice mail each time. I turned to Miranda. "You ready to head back?" She said no she wasn't ready to head back. And she had no intention of heading back. "Screw her," she steamed. "First, she has no property rights to either of us. You're a nice guy, but I can be pretty persuasive. If I wanted to be fucking you right now, I'm pretty sure I could convince you. And even if couldn't convince you, I'm pretty sure I could convince somebody and I'd fuck him right in front of you." I tried to get Miranda to calm down a little, but my efforts were wasted. "If you want to be calm, you be calm. I'm mad and I'm going to stay that way until I get the chance to give that stupid little bitch a piece of my mind," she started again. "There's no way I can go home now because I'd beat the fuck out her. She's been this way for years about you and me and it's the last time. I told her once when we were younger, 'If I decide I want you, I'll flat-out take you from her.' And I'd do it right in front of her face. There wouldn't be any sneaking around or hiding bullshit." Finally, I think she'd calmed down a little. "Feel better?" I asked with a wry smile on my face. She smiled and said "Maybe a little." I figured this was the time to mention that her boob had popped out of the towel as she was gesturing about kicking Maria's ass. "Well, so it has," she said as she tucked it away. "I guess Maria was right. I'm just a slut." I jokingly told her since I had taken her out to dinner and set her up with a bubble bath a boob shot was only fair. "She really called me that," she said, and I could see the anger rising again. "After all the shit I put up with from her, she calls me a slut." I asked how the conversation managed to escalate to the point of name calling, since I'd never know Maria to hurl pejoratives freely. "I guess that is kinda my fault," Miranda admitted. "She was so huffy when she called. The first thing she asked was, 'Where are you two?' in this really snotty voice. So I told her we'd taken a little road trip Then she asked when we'd be back and I told her tomorrow and she got a little madder. Then she asked what we were doing and I kinda lost my cool. I told her I was enjoying some naked time in a hotel suite with her boyfriend. "As you told her, it was all factually correct. It's not my fault if she wanted to assume the worst." Miranda got a strange look on her face. "Josh, I don't mean to pry, but what happened to you? Your chest? We're you in an accident?" she asked. I enjoyed spending time with Miranda, but this wasn't something I wanted to share with her. It's what separated Miranda from Maria. And I knew it. "It's just part of something that helped make me who I am," I told her. "Maybe someday I'll tell you about it." She asked if Maria knew, and I thought I saw a flash of hurt cross her face for a moment when I nodded. I mentioned again that perhaps we should cut our losses and head back to town. "Let her stew," she said. "If you are going to stay there, you and I are going to have to do this more often. It's good for your mental health and if you think I'm going another three years without a bath like that, you're crazy. She's going to have to get used to it." It seemed Maria was going to have to get used to a whole lot of things if this was to work. ------- Maria wasn't at the house when returned. She wasn't at the clinic or the offices either. Miranda and I were starting to worry before we found her sitting in her car in front of Miranda's house. I'd hoped she cooled down. I would have to hope again. When she saw us drive up, she was out of her car in flash. Also out her car in a flash was just about everything I'd left at her house. No fanfare, no garbage bags, just my stuff tossed on Miranda's yard. At least she waited until we got there so the neighbors didn't think it was an unattended yard sale. "Let me handle this, please," I asked Miranda. "Yeah, right," was the only answer I received. From the look on Miranda's face I thought she might just run Maria over and let it be done. Thankfully — or maybe not at this point, who knows — she didn't. Maria was storming toward the car and Miranda met her stride for stride. "You don't even have the decency to be embarrassed by this," Maria yelled. "Why should I be embarrassed? You're the one making a complete ass out of yourself," she screamed at Maria. To me she yelled, "Pick up your shit." I was about ready to leave the shit there, grab my truck, head to the airport and get as far away from these crazy people as I could. Instead, I gathered my belongings as Miranda snagged Maria by the arm and practically dragged her into the house. The argument continued unabated for the time it took me to collect my meager possessions. With each item I grabbed, I felt my frustration and my anger rise. By the time I picked up the last of my shoes and piled them onto Miranda's porch I was seething. When I saw the scene that met me when I walked into the house I couldn't help it. I burst out laughing. Not a chuckle or a guffaw, but side-splitting laughter. Maria and Miranda were face-to-face not an inch between their noses, each of their mouths moving a mile a minute and neither was listening to a word the other said. Their faces were so red I was glad each had medical training because I figured one of them was going to pop a blood vessel at any minute. The only thing I could think of was former Seattle Mariners manager Lou Piniella going toe-to-toe with an umpire. I could just picture Maria (or Miranda) picking up second base and tossing it into the outfield. Suddenly I wondered if either of them chewed tobacco. By the time I sat down on Miranda's couch, I had tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing so hard and the women were looking at me like I'd lost my mind. I think they were right. "Look at yourselves," I said when I finally could speak. "You look like a preview for the Jerry Springer Show. Please, let's sit down and clear the air. I think after you've heard what I have to say, Maria, you'll look at things differently. And Miranda if you'll bear with me for just a moment, I'll give you your chance to address the name-calling." Apparently Maria couldn't resist one more snide comment. "I just call them like I see them," she snarled, to which Miranda replied, "Fuck you." It was the last straw. "Enough!" I screamed. "You want to act like kids? I'll treat you like kids. Sit your asses down, shut your mouths and listen for one god-damned minute." I'm pretty sure it was the first time either had seen my temper. When I was growing up, I used other methods to get my point across — methods such as manipulation and coercion. Really, as a kid, I didn't have a whole lot to be pissed about. Miranda looked like she might say something. But she saw the look on my face and changed her mind, I think. The women sat, but still glared at the other. "First, Maria," I started. "Miranda and I are not having a sexual relationship. But if we were, I can't see what right you'd have to be angry about it. You and I are getting re-acquainted. It's your pat response to anything I try to discuss with you. We've never talked about the future; we've never discussed dating. "Hell, we haven't even been on a date in 15 years. If you think the fact we hold hands on your couch a couple of times a week constitutes a committed relationship, then it's you who've get your head buried in the 1980s this time. I understand your initial reaction. I don't appreciate it, nor do I think it was correct, but I understand it. "I tried to explain the situation to you. You refused to listen. You've refused to listen to any serious concern I've had for the last month. When you're ready to listen — and I don't mean sit there and formulate arguments while I'm talking — I'll tell you minute-by-minute, if you'd like, what Miranda and I did on our trip and why we took it. Until then, I really don't care if you're mad. "Miranda, if you're ready to talk rationally, I'll let you speak to your concerns. But if you're just ready to yell some more, I insist you wait." Miranda composed herself for a moment and began. "I wasn't trying to destroy your relationship, if that's what you even have," she told Maria. "I've never sabotaged a relationship — even the ones I knew you'd get hurt in. "Josh was going to leave. Not this week or even this month, but I could see it. This little town is driving him nuts, so I took him to the city so he could enjoy himself. Not to fuck him." Maria looked at me. "It's what I've been trying to talk to you about," I told her. "A majority of the time, I love being here with you. But I'm having a hard time adjusting to the pace here. But we'll talk more about this later. I think Miranda has some more she'd like to say." I was right. Miranda had a lot more to say. I was impressed by how rational Miranda was. She didn't rave about things. She didn't curse or yell. She stated her case calmly and left no doubt how hurt and angry she was by Maria's accusations and the names her best friend had called her. "I told you before. If I decide I want him, I won't go behind your back. I'll just take him from you," she finished. The edge was off Maria's anger, but she still didn't look abashed. "Miranda, it's your day at the clinic," she said. "I'll take it if you want me to, but I'd rather not. I apologize for the things I said to you. You're right about one thing. You have never intervened in any of my relationships. I should have waited for an explanation. But, if you'll remember, you were the one who told me you were naked in a hotel room with Josh. I was already mad at that point, though, and I already assumed that's what you were doing. "But you're wrong about something else. If Josh decides to stay here and wants to be with me, and you decide you want to take him, you better pack a lunch. Because you're going to have one hell of a fight on your hands and it won't be as easy as you seemed to think it'll be. If you both will excuse me, I'd like to get to the office." And she left, leaving me to wonder if I'd just ended a 30-year friendship between these women. ------- Maria already had two patients waiting at the office — and also a goat and three chickens — when I arrived. Every time there was a lull, I would try to catch her before she was out the door, but I never succeeded. After three tries, I sat in the waiting area for her to finish with a patient. As she speed-walked to door, I said, "Doctor, I've been waiting here for over an hour." "Are you sick," she asked curtly. I replied I certainly wasn't feeling well. "Maria, I know you're just avoiding me," I said. "If you don't want to talk now, just tell me. But stop hiding from me." She asked if it could wait until we got home. I told her it could, but I asked, "Do I still have a home here? I must have misunderstood the meaning of you tossing my things all over the neighborhood this morning." She actually smiled, which was my intent. "Yeah, I guess I got a little out of hand," she said. "But look at the bright side." I asked if the bright side was now I had an inventory of everything if I needed to report an insurance claim. "Well, that too," she said. "No, the bright side I was talking about is now you don't have to wonder if I'm interested in pursuing a relationship." She was out the door before I could ask if the clothes tossing mean she was or was not interested. I guess I didn't see the bright side at all. Maria and I managed to work the rest of the day without bumping into one another. The next clinic to be built was only weeks away and I spent most the day conversing with Sam and Gwen over instant messenger. Maria must have been hiding nearby because even when she was out of the office, she showed up minutes later if a patient walked in. Maybe she just has a keen nose for goat shit. I managed to get most of my work completed even with my mind wandering. Luckily Sam and Gwen had attended to most of the difficult items before I got my hands on things. I had spoken to Sam a number of times, and I knew staying in the office once the construction began was going to be as rough for him as it was for me. During our instant messaging session that afternoon, a thought hit me. "Sam," I typed, "Why don't we meet up in Bolivia about a week before the clinic opens? We won't work, but we'll be there to see the finished product." Sam typed back, "Now you're talking!" So it was decided. Gwen wanted to come along, too. So it would be a little working vacation. We'd stay in the nicest spot we could find and charter a plane to take us to the site a day or two before it opened. Now I just had to figure out how to tell Maria. ------- Maria and I had other things to talk about at this point, so I figured my vacation revelation could wait a day or two. Depending upon how this evening's discussion went, my leave from my dusty paradise might be longer than two weeks anyway. I hadn't seen Maria in a couple of hours when I decided to call it an evening. I swung by Miranda's to pick up my belongings — she'd been kind enough to fold my clothes and bag up the rest of my things. She even gave me an unused toothbrush since Maria had included mine with the items tossed from the car. She told me Maria had visited her today and "they had everything cleared up." At least I didn't have to worry about their relationship. I only had to worry about mine. Maria's car was in front when I arrived, but she wasn't in the house. I finally found her in the backyard trying to battle what looked to be an out-of-control brushfire. I grabbed some water from the well and was getting ready to douse the blaze when she grabbed my arm. "No," she yelled. "You'll ruin dinner." Unless we were having embers for supper, I was pretty sure that worm had already turned, but I put the bucket down anyway. If she wanted to fix dinner, who was I to argue. When she wrapped her arms around me and put her head on my shoulder, I decided even if we were having charcoal, I'd eat it with a smile on my face. "I wanted to surprise you," she told me. "And to say I'm sorry. "But, like last night, things got out of hand pretty quickly," she added as she tossed the bucket of water on what was supposed to be our evening repast. I had been thinking during my work session that this was just as much my fault as it was hers. In the last 15 years, I'd never been one to leave my feelings unstated — regardless of how they might be perceived. But I'd done exactly that with Maria. I told Maria this, and I told her I wouldn't let that happen again. "I know we've got a lot of things to figure out," I said. "But we have to work together to figure them out. I can't expect you to know how I'm feeling if I don't make sure I tell you — even when you don't want to hear it." Maria agreed. "I can't hide and hope things will be better," she told me. "I knew you hated it here. So I kept you at a distance so it wouldn't hurt when you left." I told her I didn't hate it here. But one of the things I was uncomfortable with here was the friction between the two of us. "I don't like the fact I'm afraid of you," I said. I realized I was afraid of Maria. Not physically — although her display of temper had me rethinking that one, too — but emotionally. I was deathly afraid of saying or doing something that would make her send me away. The times we'd let our guard down long enough to let the other in were wonderful. But those times were rare — on both of our parts. So over salad, we talked. We listened like we hadn't in weeks. We didn't need to walk to the riverbank to open our hearts this time. We sat side-by-side on the couch, occasionally holding hands, and got everything out in the open. I told her living here full-time, with no breaks wasn't something I thought I could do. "You never were able to sit still for very long," Maria laughed. "It's unfair of me to ask you to now. But this is my home. I belong here." I told Maria I'd never ask her to leave. "For now, this is my home, too," I told her, earning a squeeze on my hand. "You're needed here and you need to be here. I don't. I want to be here. I can do what I do from anywhere. We've proven that. I just can't be here all the time. I'll go crazy. I'm not talking about moving away, I'm talking about being away from here for a night or two or a week or two. But this is still where I want to come home to. I haven't changed my mind. It's been difficult, but wherever you are still feels like home to me." I told her there was one other thing I thought we needed to discuss — and she told me she thought so, too. I was talking about the fact I had money and I didn't want to live in abject poverty anymore. She was talking about something entirely different. "We've hinted around this for the last few weeks," she began. "Last night was terrible for me. The way you and Miranda flirt has bothered me since you came here. I'm not a jealous person. But I'm jealous when it comes to you. I hated every girl you dated when we were teenagers. I'm sure I'd hate every woman you've dated since then. After you went to that new school, I'd see you sometimes at home when you didn't know it. You'd be holding hands or something and I'd freak. It should have been my hand you were holding not some blonde-haired girl. It should have been my hair you were stroking as you sat in the park not that girl with the blue eyes. And last night, I knew it should be me making love to you. Not Miranda. I wanted to drive to that hotel and rip her out of bed. Just like I wanted to rip all the hair out Blondie's head and turn Miss Blue's eyes black. "We can't face things together if I keep holding back. And I don't want to hold back anymore." Maria swung her legs over and sat astride my lap. Her lips gently touched mine and her tongue danced across my mouth. As our kisses become hungrier, I felt myself becoming aroused. I knew there was little I could do given the Maria's proximity to my erection to keep her from noticing. I tried to shift my weight so my hard-on wouldn't press into Maria, but she closed her knees around my hips and slid her waist closer to mine. "It's been a long time since I wanted one of those near me," she whispered. "Let me enjoy this." As we kissed, Maria ground herself against me. My hands found their way to Maria's butt and I felt her flinch as I pulled her tighter against me. "I'm sorry," I told her. "Tell me if I need to slow down." Maria pulled back for a minute, but only to lift her shirt over her head. Bound only by her bra, her breasts were more magnificent than I could imagine. I pulled my gaze away and looked into her brown eyes. I saw a mixture of hesitance and desire on her beautiful face. This was more of Maria than I'd seen since we used to swim together as children. "You're absolutely stunning," I told her and her mouth met mine again. If it was a look of hesitation on her face, her actions belied none. I stopped her when she tried to remove my shirt. "Maria, I'm not sure," I told her. She silenced me with another scorching kiss. "I want to love all of you," she told me. She lifted my shirt from my battered chest then removed her bra. We sat on the couch, topless, kissing, our waists entwined in their own dance. "You can touch my chest if I can touch yours," Maria told me with a smile. When I brushed the backs of my hands across her breasts, Maria shuddered. Her kisses became fiercer as I circled her nipples with my thumbs. Maria's hands lightly tickled my chest and shoulders, and she slid back on my thighs and reached for the button on my shorts. "Honey, you don't have to do this," I told her, but her hands continued until my zipper was lowered, too. "I'm not sure how far we'll go," she told me. "But I want to go farther than this." Maria stood and tugged at my shorts until I lifted my butt. She took my underwear with them, freeing my erection. She put her thumbs in the waistband of her shorts and lowered them to the floor. But she kept her panties in place, the pale color of her panties striking against her tan skin. I could feel how wet she was when she resumed her place on my lap, a thin piece of cotton our only separation. Maria traced her hands down my chest again and placed her hand on my erection. Her grasp was tentative, but her kisses weren't. She stroked my hard-on slowly, teasingly until I dipped my head and took her brown nipple in my mouth. As my tongue traced her protrusion, Maria's hand moved faster in my lap. Her pace picked up again when my hands found their way through the elastic of her panties and cupped her cheeks. Her breathing quickened, Maria sat up and slid her panties past my hands, giving me full access to her lower back. Then her hands went immediately back to work on my erection. I glanced down as I latched onto her nipple and I could see the treasure that lay between her thighs. My hands slipped beneath her cheeks and I began to caress her lower lips and her inner thighs, eliciting a moan from Maria. I about erupted on the crotch of her panties when I realized Maria was using the head of my hard-on to stimulate herself. I moved my hands around her hips and gazed at Maria's face as I slipped my hand across her taut stomach. There was no fear in her eyes, only desire. Maria threw her head back when my fingers parted her lips and began teasing her button. Her hand was frantic in lap and her hips started grinding, trying to force more contact with her sensitive clit. Maria finally stopped her below-the-waist play and put her hands on my shoulders as she humped my hand. Her breath was ragged; her face a picture of concentration as she stared into my eyes, her pink tongue trapped between her teeth, a thin sheen of perspiration on her upper lip. Finally, she broke the stare, her eyes lost focus and the air escaped her lungs in short bursts, punctuated by breathy moans as my finger and her hips worked in harmony to push her over the edge. Maria slid forward on my lap, encircling my neck with her arms and resting her forehead on my shoulder as she savored her relaxing orgasm. I could feel her hot moisture as her pubic hair tickled my erection. I knew with only the slightest shift of my hips, I'd be inside her. My mind was screaming at me to make the subtle move, but my heart wouldn't let me. I held Maria tight, kissing her hair and kneading her back muscles with my thumbs. I felt Maria's breath start to return to normal, so I tried to remove myself from temptation. "Honey, I need to adjust a little bit," I whispered in her ear. "Or we're going to go farther whether we want to or not." I think Maria realized where my hard-on was pointed. "If I'd been more prepared you'd already be there," she said between kisses, but she slid her hips back toward my knees again. "You would so be there." When her butt reached my knees, her eyes locked on to my erection again. "What are we going to do with that I wonder," she asked, her eyes gleaming mischievously. "I hope we have lots of babies one day, Josh. But I don't think we want to start today. Do we?" The sudden image of Maria and me with a houseful of kids made my erection produce an involuntary throb. "Ooh, maybe you do," she smiled. "But I think we should at least wait a little while." Maria moved off my knees and stood up, her knees still a little shaky, I think. She smiled, then lowered her panties to the floor and held her hand out to me. "Stand up," she said. I thought we were headed to her bed, but Maria spun me around, sat back on the couch and took my hard-on in her hands again. Her fingers traced over it, rubbing the foreskin to produce a bit of moisture on the head. She dipped her tongue forward and licked the fluid, sending a tremor through me. "I can't take care of this the way I want to," she sighed. "But I can still take care of this." Then she gently took me in her warm mouth. Her tongue tickled the underside of my shaft and my knees almost buckled. I knew it would be only moments before I couldn't hold back. "Maria, I'm close," I gasped. "I'm very close." She didn't stop her efforts, just met my eyes and nodded, picking up speed with her tongue and hand. The look in her eyes was all I needed. My thoughts went a thousand directions as I spurted what felt like a quart into Maria's hot mouth. I had no choice; I had to sit down while Maria went to brush her teeth. I was amazed to feel a stirring in my groin as I watched her butt sway as Maria left the room. I stood when she sauntered back in and Maria got a cat-that-ate-the-canary grin when she saw I was at half-mast again. I met her in the middle of the room and asked if she was OK. "I'm better than OK," Maria purred with a smile. "Let's go to bed." I knew we'd cleared a couple of major hurdles to our happiness that evening. ------- Incomplete and Inactive ------- Posted: 2002-02-23 Last Modified: 2007-06-23 / 09:25:03 am ------- http://storiesonline.net/ -------