NSFW! Cuthbert and the Cleric NSFW!

Tags: Vaginal, bisexual, magic strap-on, pegging, anal, prostate play, rimjob, frotting, cumswap
Note: Ctrl+F ~s~ to skip right to the action

I'm Cuthbert. Niles Cuthbert, marksman and professional letdown. I let down my family when I ran away at age 12 to join the Fighter's Guild, and I let them down when puberty showed that I would never amount to a frontline mercenary. I was too lanky, too uncoordinated with the sword, and had no mind to even be one of their tacticians, and after four years of failing to meet any of their standards they settled for making me clean the stables. It was only out of sheer boredom when the guild was away on adventures that I discovered my only natural talent lay in the bow, so after two years of dogged determination I became proficient enough with the bow to steal it and set off and make a name for myself.

And, naturally, I was a letdown to myself. After almost dying to a few rats in someone's basement because I didn't have the clearance to easily shoot any arrows, I spent my last coin on a secondhand short sword and some chainmail and was lowered to shooting crows off statues for table scraps. I needed a job, but every posting on the notice board would have easily killed me and no adventuring group wanted a fighter who couldn't fight to save his skin.

And then I had the good fortune--from a certain point of view--to run into the cleric.

I hadn't sought her out, of course, hers was just another face in the crowd I was ready to ignore and be ignored by, but we had both reached up to grab the same notice and I was hungry enough to be a bit confrontational. I snatched the notice out of her hand but stopped when I got a good look at her: clearly from some far-off land, she had auburn hair, freckles, bright blue eyes, and a button nose, but despite her being here in the western kingdom what caught my attention was her attire. She was wearing a heavy gambeson, quartered in blood red and soft gold colors, with a stylized vertical infinity sign as the sigil on her left breast. That meant she was a cleric of the goddess Freyja, a mysterious order composed entirely of women and surrounded by all manner of horrible rumors. I didn't know what was real and what was hearsay, but all the rumors had in common was that you did not want to get on a disciple's bad side. I started to stammer an apology, but she cut me off.

"Hi! I'm Madeline Ziri. Well, not really, but everyone calls me Maddie." She stuck out a hand for a handshake. "What's yours?"

"Uh... Cuthbert," I responded, trying not to wince as she took my hand in a surprisingly crushing grip for a vigorous shake.

She waited a beat, clearly hoping I would give her a cute nickname, and when I didn't she continued unabated. "Well hi, Cuthbert! I was just looking for a simple quest to take for lodging money... most towns at least have one Daughter of Freyja I can stay with, but this is okay."

It was a pleasant surprise that she hadn't tried to smite me where I stood, but my rumbling stomach wasn't interested in niceties. "Sorry to to hear that, but I need this one. You can take that other notice for an exorcism."

To my surprise, the cleric sheepishly looked away and said, "Normally I would, but I've been traveling alone so long that I'm not at my best right now. Freyja is a goddess of love and companionship, so isolation doesn't suit us. Hey! Why don't we work together? It'll be fun."

I sighed and looked at the paper, it was a job to stop some mercenaries that were making a scene at the tavern on a nightly basis. Only 10 copper for a reward, but there was no way I could take on a band of mercenaries by myself. "You don't even know how I'd be of any help."

"Aww, I can see it in you, I'm good with people. Now come on!" Ziri grabbed my wrist with that iron grip and practically dragged me to my very first job as an adventuring group. The Winking Pilgrim was an appropriately dingy tavern for the dingy township of Cridfell, dimly lit and smelling of mildew as the crusty old guard drank their memories away. The overweight barkeep gave the notice a glance, told us to wait about an hour, and promptly ignored us for paying customers. We talked for an hour--or rather, Ziri talked about Freyja while I nodded and watched the door. The party started right around sundown, when the door slammed open and a mountain of a man strode in with the grotesque head of a harpy strung over his shoulder. He slapped it on the counter, splashing blood everywhere and loudly proclaiming to the room that he had personally slain three of the creatures for two gold each so he was clearly going to have the best drinks and food in the tavern. Ziri let out a breath to brace herself and said, "Yep, that's the guy. I'll to talk to him, okay?"

I was more than happy to let the cleric be confrontational, and for a second it seemed to be working. She seemed to be giving him a lecture, but when the mercenary shouted something about her being his entertainment for the night and grabbed her on the ass some protective instinct I wasn't even aware of took over me and I rushed over to give the man a shove. When he turned my direction I got my first up-close look and immediately recognized him: Marcellus, one of the top men in the local Fighter's Guild and an absolute barbarian of a fighter. And he recognized me, too. "Little Connie? Is that you? Why, we thought one o' the horses ate 'cha! Guess I can surprise th'boss by bringing you back for a court martial, might even get t' pawn your stuff." Marcellus grabbed me by the scruff of my tunic and threw me bodily into the street, and I stayed down. I learned with his ilk long ago that not being an interesting target usually meant they got bored of you faster.

I looked up to see Marcellus' drunk, Neanderthal face grinning down at me, but a shout challenged him him from inside the tavern. It was Ziri, who strode outside wielding a one-handed warhammer that had one flat face and one that ended in a curved spike. "The marksman's with me," She said, all giggly demeanor gone and replaced with a stone cold determination. Marcellus started to say something about getting to her next, but before he could finish the slurred thought Ziri swung her arm in a backwards windmill, slamming the flat end of the hammer into the man's testicles so hard even I felt bad for him. Ziri loomed over the downed mercenary, held up the notice, and said, "Marcellus, you are not to trouble this establishment of The Winking Pilgrim again, lest I end your life."

I scrambled to my feet, grabbed the notice, and for good measure balled it up and forced it into his mouth. Ziri laughed, her good nature back, and clapped me on the shoulder. "Good one, partner. Now I think there's a whole platter left over we deserve as a down payment. Let's celebrate!"

~s~
I don't know if it was the potent drink or the fact that my belly was full for the first time in months, but I was so happy I took the celebration idea to heart. We drank, we sang, we very possibly caused a bigger scene than the one we were hired to stop, and by the end of the night we had the entire tavern following along in some half-remembered song. The barkeep even offered his very last room to us for free, and I was more than willing to let the cleric take it while I slept in the stables again but she hugged me around the waist and insisted that her new partner not sleep outside. I hadn't been able to tell through the gambeson, but when she hugged me it became immediately apparent that the woman had curves to die for so I didn't fight much when she pulled me along with her.

The room itself was small, but it had a warm bed and privacy, and the second the door was closed Ziri grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me down for a kiss. A full, wet, drunken kiss filled with a compassion I had never felt from anyone, and I was immediately painfully hard. She looked up at me with hazel eyes--were they always this beautiful?--and said, "Thank you for helping me, Cuthbert. Let me show you how a Daughter of Freyja appreciates her partner."

Without taking her eyes off mine, Ziri reached down and quickly untied the drawstrings on my trousers, allowing her to reach inside and pull out my raging manhood. "Ooo, bigger than I expected," she giggled, giving my shaft a tentative stroke that sent shivers all over my body. I had been in such a funk that I stopped bothering to even masturbate, so I was completely backed up and ready to pop at her slightest touch. Ziri could tell this and let go, guiding me to sit down on the bed while she removed her gambeson and kneeled down in front of me. Some tiny fraction of my mind that that wasn't drunk or horny was telling me that all this was too good to be true, but that voice was drowned out by the sight of the cleric.

She was marveling at my cock, stroking it with just the tip of one finger while it twitched and dribbled precum. "Such a pretty little thing," Ziri sighed to herself before looking up at me with a devilish grin. "I bet you'd like me to stop teasing, mmm?" All I could manage was a whimper, so while keeping her eyes locked with mine Ziri lowered her head and swallowed my cock.

How I didn't immediately cum, I'll never know. I could feel my glans bobbing into the back of her throat, and despite the gagging and tears Ziri never looked away from me. She held that position for a moment, the gentle squeezing of her gag reflex almost becoming a comfort before she started to move her head. She came all the way up, stopping to lick the precum off the tip before diving back down to the base in long, slow strokes while her tongue worked the entire shaft.

Ziri was prepared to take her time, but the technique was so perfect that I barely lasted a few strokes before my body convulsed in a rocking orgasm. Easily one of of the best I've ever had, and when my vision cleared I saw Ziri still diligently sucking on the head. She grinned at me, tilted her head back, and swallowed the entire load, tracing a line down her throat and humming with satisfaction. "Oh yes, it has been far too long for me. And such a big serving, too! How generous of you, Cuthbert."

"Heh. You're welcome, Ziri."

She closed her eyes and sighed, clearly taking pleasure from my voice. "Mmm, say my name again."

I leaned forward a bit, trying to be sexy. "Ziri, that was amazing."

She kissed me again, only this time I noticed the kiss was much harder, and when she pulled away her eyes had a ravenous hunger I hadn't seen before. "Cuthbert, I need more. Please, please give me more."

"I'd love to, Ziri, but I can't go again so soon."

"Oh yes you can!"

The cleric playfully pushed me onto my back, pulled my pants down, and began working my flaccid penis with a sweet-smelling oil she pulled out of some pocket. "Don't worry, Freyja teaches us many secrets to pleasure. Now breathe deep." I did, confused but willing, and yelped when a sudden pressure wiggled into my asshole. She was fingering me! I tried to push her off, but the wench pinned me down with that deceptive strength of hers. "Trust me, Cuthbert! Just relax!" I wasn't interested in relaxing anymore, but suddenly my back arched and an involuntary moan escaped my lips. Ziri had pressed against something inside me that was sending out waves of pleasure throughout my body with a shocking intensity, and she was clearly enjoying herself.

"There's your prostate! And so sensitive, I love it!" I looked down to see Ziri with a triumphant smile on her face while she fingered my ass with one hand and stroked my now fully-erect member with the other. I was almost scared of how good it felt. Satisfied, the maiden pulled me up to my feet and got on the bed herself, pulling down her trousers just a bit to present a full, plump mound and a pair of wonderful curves for hips. "Now I need you to fuck my pussy, and fuck it deep. Please, Cuthbert!"

I was only too happy to oblige, and my dick slid into her like a familiar glove that elicited a happy moan from Ziri. The actual sex was brief but intense, my fingers digging into her soft waist hard enough to leave welts and our rhythmic grunting loud enough to wake the dead. I wanted to make sure I was satisfying Ziri as thoroughly as she was myself, but I couldn't stop thrusting long enough to think of any special tricks and she never stopped moaning to ask. We fucked for a few minutes without changing from the doggy style position, and as I was nearing my limit the cleric stood up and twisted her head around to give me a sloppy kiss as we both came together. Actually cumming inside a woman felt so good that my legs buckled and I fell over Ziri, but any panic I felt was erased when she burst into laughter. The cleric helped me to my feet and we both finally finished getting undressed before flopping into bed and passing out.

I awoke the next morning to a killer hangover and a tangle of soft flesh on my chest. It took a second, but when the memories of the night before came trickling back I broke into a wide smile. Money, food, sex with a beautiful woman, last night almost made the past few years of misery totally worth it. And it was all thanks to the cleric snoring gently on top of me right now. I quietly nudged her her to the side so I could finally look at her entirety in a new, sober light: a slope of hills and valleys traced Ziri's curves down her body, from the shoulders framing perky tits to the dip of her hourglass waist, coming back up for luscious thighs and--

"Oh holy shit!" I shouted, knocking myself out of bed and rocking the cleric awake with a fist held ready in the air.

"Freyja's tits, what's wrong!?"

"The sex last night!" I shouted, finally realizing what I had done. "I hadn't taken an infertility potion. Oh damnit, I am so sorry!"

"Don't worry about it, Cuthbert! I told you, I have full control over that, courtesy of Freyja," Ziri said, gently guiding me back onto the bed. I tried to think back to the tavern stakeout, she had said something about body control but I hadn't been listening.

I dug my head into my hands, but Ziri pushed them aside to straddle my lap and droop her forearms on my shoulders. "Take a breath, it's okay. Besides, you can't say you didn't have fun last night." From the way she was sitting all I could see were those supple breasts and her warm smile, and despite everything I started to grow hard again. "Yeah, I thought so. And there's so many more things I could show you, if you'd let me. Did you like it when I played with your ass?"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but yeah. I really did. What was that?"

Ziri grinned and pecked me on the cheek. "That was your prostate, sweetie. A magical button that's the secret to true sexual pleasure, and I must say you reacted better to it for a first try than any man I've seen. You got so hard with just one finger, I can hardly imagine how you'd react to some of my other skills... Oh!" She suddenly hopped up and turned her back to me, rummaging in a pack while I admired the view of her plump rump. Successful, she turned around to present to me what seemed like a limp artificial phallus, a set of pale pink dick and balls with a knob where a person's pelvis would be. She reached down and slipped the knob into her pussy, sighing as it attached itself to her and the dick twitched to half-mast.

The cleric sat back down on my lap and said, "This is the greatest gift Freyja gives us, the ability to please and be pleased in every way." Ziri was clearly getting aroused as she spoke, her hips started to grind ever so slightly and I looked down to see that both of us were now fully hard. Her dick was rubbing against mine as her hips moved, and to my own surprise I didn't try to stop her or move away, I wanted her to keep going. The cleric placed a hand on my neck to get my attention and she kissed me again, but this time was different. Not filled with drunken recklessness or ravenous hunger, Ziri kissed me slow and deep, flicking her tongue in my mouth as we tasted every part of each other.

It was the best kiss I had ever experienced, but I started when her other hand started to stroke my cock. "Hey, look at me," the cleric said, her voice soft but commanding. Her hazel eyes were staring lasers into mine, and her breath quickened a step as she gripped both of our members in one hand and started to jerk them simultaneously. "I want to show you my skills, Cuthbert. I like you, and I can please you in ways you wouldn't believe, ways that men can only dream of. You'll see stars, hear Freyja's song, and I promise it will change your life forever."

"Do I have to join your religion?" It was nearly impossible to concentrate with her tugging at me, but that possibility stood out. Everyone in my family had been followers of Pelor, as humans are wont to do, and even though I never fully embraced the concept changing deities still would've felt oddly wrong.

Ziri scoffed and said, "No, nothing like that. Just travel with me, trust me, be my companion and I'll be yours. So, do you want me?"

"Y-yes," was all I could manage to respond. I had a white-knuckle grip on Ziri's thighs as I tried to not cum, but her heaving breath and piercing stare wasn't making things easier.

"Say you want me."

"I w-want you, Ziri!"

The cleric smiled and quickened the pace. "Good boy. Oh, I am going to have so much fun with you!" I groaned as I felt the pressure starting to build. "No! Not yet. I want you to cum with me, Cuthbert, please hold on!" She was panting now and I could swear her eyes were glowing slightly, and I almost managed to hold out for another minute before I reached my limit. With animalistic grunts we both came together, globs of pearly seed splashing all over both of our chests while we tried to catch our breath.

Ziri scooped up every drop she could in one hand, looking at the mess like a fine art piece before she slowly licked each finger clean. "Mmm, we taste wonderful together," she said with a wink, standing up and stretching to show off her curves in the morning sunlight before she pulled the magical phallus out with a pop. "Tell you what, Cuthbert, we have enough copper for two tickets to that big trade city to the south, Ightwood. We can find some real adventures there, but as a send off to your old life I want to make tonight extra special for you. So go out and don't come back to the room until sundown, okay? Now shoo."

...

I almost didn't come back. Once I had put some distance from Ziri's curves and pheromones, my mind cleared and I sat down on a river bank for a real long contemplation of what I had just gotten tangled in. Would my pa be disappointed of what I had done, and what I had agreed to do? Then again, he had always been disappointed in my decisions, so the better question was whether or not I am disappointed in myself. Does this make me gay? Is that a worse fate than slowly dying of exposure in this no-name town? Is being with Ziri actually a bad thing at all, or am I just worrying about the unknown? Once you looked past the strange religious sex, she really was a beautiful woman with a contagiously positive outlook, so maybe getting involved with her would do good things for me. In the end I decided that anything was better than staying here, so heart thudding in my chest I went back to the tavern to face my new life.

Ziri was already there, of course, and had been waiting for me for some time. She had changed out of the battle garb and was wearing a very suggestive satin robe, yet rather than being surrounded by would-be lovers every man in the tavern was admiring her from afar. Guess she had already told them off. "Cuthbert! I was starting to worry you weren't going to show. Sit, sit." She pulled out two goblets as I got comfortable, they were elaborate gold pieces decorated with all manner of curves and symbols I didn't recognize that she then filled with a drink from her own wine skin. It was a deep bloody red, and when she handed me a goblet I could smell heavy notes of strawberry. "Now this is our special wine, brewed only by my sisters in the order. We use it for all sorts of things, but tonight we are celebrating a new beginning and a new partnership. Cheers!"

We clinked goblets and Ziri downed hers in a few massive gulps, then tilted her head back with her eyes closed and said, "Mother Freyja, thank you for bringing Cuthbert into my life. Please bless us with many opportunities to bring happiness to the lives of others, as you have to mine." I drank mine as quickly as I could and mumbled something to the same effect; it's always awkward to pray to a deity that hasn't taken you in, but I didn't want to seem rude. "Okay, next I want you to give me just a second and come up to the room. Now don't keep me waiting," she said with a wink before scooping up the goblets and scurrying up the stairs.

I started to time a one minute countdown in my head, but before I even got to 30 seconds I suddenly became overwhelmingly, almost sickeningly horny. My whole body ached for release, and the sensation was so intense it I actually thought I might explode if I'm couldn't cum inside something. What in the hell was inside that wine? I stumbled up to the room as quickly as my fogged mind could handle, my footing so awkward I almost fell through the door.

When I saw what Ziri had done, I did actually fall to to my knees. The humble room had been redecorated to be some sort of shrine, with the bed as as the centerpiece in the middle of the space. Lit candles and burning incense adorned all the shelving, dark tapestries hung from the walls, and a circle of dried flowers and herbs surrounded the bed. And atop the bed, sitting like some personification of her deity, the cleric glowed in the moonlight. She was actually wearing makeup, smoldering red lips below the fiery waves of her auburn hair, all to match the red corset and stockings that accentuated her hourglass curves.

And without even a hint of shame, her exposed fake member stood erect and throbbing with an idle confidence that said Ziri knew exactly what she was doing. "Quite the aphrodisiac in the wine, isn't it?" Ziri asked with a slight grin. That would explain the almost insatiable need I had to fill the woman up in every way I could, even completely overriding any misgivings I had about her body. She motioned me over and we shared a deep kiss while she undressed me. Not a word was spoken and every movement was slow and deliberate; no longer fumbling and drunk, the cleric was treating this as a consecrated ritual and it was taking all of my focus to not make a fool of myself. Fully nude, she sat me down on the bed and gave me a few shallow jerks. "Now I'll ask this one last time. Do you trust me, and do you want me?"

"Yes, yes, please yes," I almost whined. Anything to finally get some release.

Ziri whispered, "Then satisfy me, Cuthbert," and I was suddenly aware of the erect cock right at my eye level. Surely she couldn't mean... yet my mouth obediently opened, and with more care than I thought was possible I gave my very first blowjob. I started at the tip and tried my best to mimic what I've received in the past, tasting the salty precum and peeling back her foreskin to lick the frenulum. A soft gasp told me I had the right idea, so I tried to take as much in my mouth as my gag reflex would allow.

"Oop, watch the teeth. That's okay, don't take too much, we'll work on it. Use your hands, too." I settled for just sucking on her head, using one hand to stroke the shaft and another to work her balls, and from Ziri's moans I was certainly doing something right. To my surprise she pulled away and took a steadying breath before saying, "There's no way that was your first time. Now come here."

She turned me around so that my ass was pointing up in the air, leaving me to jolt with surprise when something cold and wet splashed on it. "Shh shh, it's just a special oil. Here, I'll make it better." Ziri kissed a trail on my rump, starting at the tailbone and working her way down until she got to my asshole and plunged her tongue deep inside me. I had no idea such a thing could feel so good and an involuntary moan escaped my lips, quickly muffled by my own hand. Clearly enjoying the sound, the cleric gently grabbed both my hands and held them down to the bed while her tongue worked its way around inside me, leaving me no way to avoid moaning like a bitch. I could feel the pressure starting to rise, so when Ziri's tongue stopped massaging me I practically begged her to continue.

Instead she turned me over and spread my legs, giving my glans the slightest kiss that made it shoot out a stream of precum and my whole body shudder. She was looming over me now, stroking herself with that naked hunger back in her eyes. Ziri looped hands under my knees to hoist me closer, and with barely any restraint she pushed her way inside me.

To say the sensation was a complex one would be an understatement. Getting stretched out by her thick meat hurt like nothing else, but the instant she touched my prostate all I could do was want more and my ass eagerly accepted the rest of her. Once Ziri was down to the base, she stopped and I realized she was actually saying a quiet prayer to Freyja, but the aphrodisiac had made me so impatient that I started to grind my hips on her. I couldn't do much from my position, so to my relief the cleric finished up her prayer and really started to fuck me.

Gripping my waist and fucking me deep, I could only look up and marvel at the cleric as she loomed over me: gorgeous curves barely concealing strong muscle, dancing candlelight causing the beads of sweat on her skin to shine like diamonds, face scrunched in hungry determination, my eyes drank in all of Ziri and I couldn't get enough of her. Speaking of, my ass was desperately clenching as each thrust sent a shockwave of pleasure through me that I never wanted to end, and yet was alien enough that I knew it wouldn't make me cum.

Desperate to finish, I gripped my cock but Ziri slapped my hand away with a commanding, "No! I'm not ready yet, don't you dare cum before me." I was begging her and moaning like a bitch for I don't know how long, so when she actually screamed and an overwhelmingly hot sensation filled my ass I was finally sent over the edge. It was enough to make me black out for a split second, and when my senses returned Ziri was licking my cum off my chest. By Pelor, there was a lot of it, and I could feel more spurting out of my twitching asshole. For one final surprise, Ziri came up with a mouth full of my seed and forced me to eat it with a hard kiss. The taste was awful, but after just having such a powerful orgasm I didn't have the strength to fight back. Plus, it seemed to make her happy.

I guess I'll be doing a lot of that now.

-Epilogue-

"What do you mean it was an accidental enchantment!?"

Ziri flinched from the supplies she had almost finished packing. "It's okay, Cuthbert! Just that, the oil and wine are both common spell components, and when I prayed to Freyja it matched some ritual a little too much I guess, so she answered by enchanting your... arsehole and cock to always be ready. With a magical lube job that'll never dry. Oops."

I groaned and pinched the bridge of my nose as a headache started to form. "And is this 'gift' going to do anything else?"

"My morning prayers didn't hint at anything. But you should be happy! Freyja must really like you, and you're not even an official disciple!"

I mumbled something unsavory and went back to my own packing. My poor, unfortunate asshole.


-To be continued-