Taking the D(ragon) by Smutomancer After a terrible dragon is seen in the region, a poor village sacrifices a maiden to appease the beast. With cunning and grace, she convinces him not to eat her. Also they have sex. I fucking hate all of you! Yea, you heard me. Fuck! You! [to herself] Lousy town, anyway. It's almost worth getting eaten, don't have to live there anymore. [also to herself, but softer] I hope they'll be okay... [a bit of walking] H-hello? Is, um, is anyone here? Ugh, this place so creepy. Ah! Is that... oh gods, that's a skull. I- I think I need to sit down. Eww, eww. Not sitting there. Why do caves have to be so dank, anyway? And dark. And spooky. H-hello? Mister, uh, mister dragon? Hello! Maybe he's out... Um... Maybe I should, uh, go deeper or- AH! [trip/falling/in pain] Ow, dammit- that was- Oh- Oh, uh, t-there you Um, where are, uh, where are my m-manners? H-hello mister drago- B-Balthazar! Okay, mister Balthaza- Lord! Lord Balthazar. My name is, um... what nice, long, sharp fangs you have. I mean, my name is- um... I don't even remember right now. N-no, I guess you don't need to know the names of your foo- Oh, gods, please don't eat me! Uh, I'm sure I can be of some OTHER- Err, no, I'm not a princess. We don't really have a princesses- Cook! I can cook! I'm sure you could use someone who can cook the... other... people... you... S-sing? Well, uh, my throat is a little dry right now [to herself] Knew I should have taken lessons, dammit! Hmm? Oh, nothing, your most terrible lordship. Terrifying! I meant terrifying! What can I do? Let's see, besides the cooking and the singing and the- Oh, I can sew? Maybe I could make you a... blanket... big enough for a horse-sized giant lizard... with my bare hands... I can make nets! Oh, not a big fish eater, huh? Cleaning! I can do that! Tidy the 'ole cave up a bit? Sweep up some of the dank- Oh, you like the dank? Hay! Watch the claws, buddy! We're still, um, negotiating here. I know! You must get lonely up here, all alone. Maybe it would be nice to have someone to talk- What do you mean, "strip?" Well I don't see why I should spare you indigestion. In fact, I think I have an obligation to- Okay, okay, just watch that fire. There's just no reasoning with some people. Dragons. Well? Look away! Oh, come on! I had to walk all the way up this mountain, I'm about to be eaten, and now I have to get naked for a one-ton lizard in the middle of a smelly cave! Can't I have a little dignity? [petulant and condescending] Thank you, O mighty lizard. And no peaking! [some struggling with clothes] At least I, unf, at least I don't have to wear this damn corset, ugh, anymore. I said no peaking! You are so rude! It's not like I'm doing this for you. Well, I am, but, but... What are you doing back there? Oh. My. Gods. You are such an unbelievable pervert! I mean, really, doing, uh, THAT, and in front of a lady. Oh, you know what I mean. Now you're just arguing semant- oh, god, is that what that smell is? What do you do all day? Really? Is that ALL you do all day? You know what, I don't even care anymore. Just eat me. Just come over here and that is a huge penis. Damn. That is a huge penis. I didn't know lizards HAD penises. Peni. Penae. Whatever. Okay, fine. You're not a lizard. You just a giant, scaly, winged, fire breathing, incredibly well hung NOT-lizard. Say, can I ask you a favor? Well yeah, I'd like to go free but- Listen, will you? Since I'm going to die anyway, can I, um, you know? Touch it? Just a little? I've never really seen one up close. [some shuffling] Oh, wow. It's so hot! [nervous giggle] I can just get my fingers around it. This is SMALL by dragon standards? Damn, those other dragons must have- But it's so big! I don't think- I mean, I never would, but... I wonder if it would, you know, fit? Ow, ow! Watch the claws! Put me down, you son of a- What are you going to- Yes, I know I brought it up, but there is no fucking way that thing can- Getting me wet will NOT make it fit better, that thing is- [wet slurping sound] Ah! Just, hold on a- [wet sound] Holy shit that was- [again with the wet sounds] You're pretty good with your tongue, aren't- AaaAaAAaah! [panting heavily] That was... that was, ah, intense. I can hardly feel- No, there is no way- Stop scrapping up my legs like that! [voice slowlly lowering into an almost inaudible whisper] I can, um, I can move them myself... You heard me. What? No. There's no way I'm going to say it. You can't make me. You can't. AaaAaAagain with the tongue? Fine! Fine! I give! T-take that big, that big- Oh, just shove it in me already! [pained cry of pleasure] Holy FUCK! [labored breathing from here on out] Slow, ah, slow down. Please, I can't, fuck, I can't take it so- Gods, it's big. Ah! Oh my gods, there. That thing you, Ah! Yeah, that. Keep, ah! doing that. Hmp hmp AH! [panting very heavily] I guess, [pant] I guess it fit after, after all. Shit, there must be gallons of this stuff. Do you always? Ugh, it's everywhere. I need a bath. Hot springs? Down that way? I couldn't walk two steps. Carry me? What happened to eating me? No, I'm not complaining. It's just that- What do you mean, "married?" --------- And that, children, is how I met your father. What? Why are you looking at me like that?