I
threw my backpack and tent into the back of the van. I would stop on the way
to the park for some food to take with me. I needed to get away from
everything for a few days and just sort out all that had happened in the last
year. The kids climbed into their seats and threw their suitcases into the
back with my gear. After the inevitable squabble over who gets which seat, we
were off. My sons, ages 8 and 10 were staying at my friend�s house to play
with her kids for the week. I was so grateful when she offered to take them
and suggested this camping trip. She knows how close I am to losing it these
days.
The
kids dropped off and a weeks worth of ready to eat food picked up, I checked
in at the office of Sunken Lake Park. Being mid-September, I had no problem
getting a choice place to pitch my tent; in fact, I was the only one in the
whole park. I carried my stuff across the beautiful covered bridge. It
straddles a small river, which flows into a small lake that has formed in a
sinkhole. I hardly noticed my surroundings, "Maybe I can leave my sorrow
at the bottom of this lake." I think to myself as I look at the dark
waters, beckoning me to their cold depths. I sigh, remembering my one
lifeline, the kids. �Come on girl, you need to get your head on straight�no
more pity parties!� I admonish myself.
I
looked around the area for a good spot to set up. This is the place I camped
frequently with our youth group when I was growing up. Walking past the old
boathouse, I had to stop as the memories threatened to undo me. I had spent
many stolen hours in this place, locked in tender embraces with the boy who
would become my world. Sweet kisses that ignited within me a passion that
lasted for decades. Reminiscing brought tears to my eyes; I wipe them away and
attempt to focus on what I need to do. I chose a spot right next to the water
yet slightly down the beach from the boathouse so I would be able to think
clearly. After several trips to the van, and a wrestling match with my family
sized dome tent, I finally had my little camp set up.
Once
that was done, I felt the need to take a swim to wash away the sweat and grime
accumulated from working in the warm sun. Scanning the park, I quickly striped
down right there in front of God and nobody and decide to swim in the nude,
something I haven't done in 20 years. Diving into the cold, deep water was so
exhilarating it left me breathless. Slowly stretching in the water, I warm up
my muscles a bit before I start to swim. It is tradition for me to swim across
the lake like this, something I have done on every visit here since I was a
young girl, racing with whoever I could get to swim with me, nearly always
winning and receiving a congratulatory kiss from my sweetheart on the shore.
The
cold water gliding along my long, lean body brings back to mind the knowledge
that I am all alone now, no one to swim with, no one to kiss. I feel tears hot
against my face as I remember Jack, my husband. It has been nearly a year
since he walked out that door to go to work, but the pain is still fresh in my
heart. The next time that door opened it was to see Eric standing there with
tears in his eyes. We had all been friends for years and Eric worked with my
husband at the factory. He told of the accident with the crane and how he
tried to get Jack out, but they were unable to revive him. Eric had performed
CPR on him for nearly 20 minutes until the paramedics arrived. My world went
black that day. My husband was my best friend, my soul mate. We had been
together since we were 15, last month we would have been married for 25 years.
I
rolled onto my back to do a lazy backstroke until my sobs were quieted. As my
head brushed on something and I realized I was at the opposite shore. I sat on
the bank to gather myself for a few minutes. --The reason I came out here was
to find some reason to keep going. I need something in my life to focus on so
I can get beyond this gray haze that clouds my life. But how do I do that
without feeling like I am betraying 25 years with the love of my life? Diving
back into the water I begin to think about writing again. Maybe I can capture
on paper all that our lives together have been. I grab on to that thought like
a drowning person grabs for a life raft. I worked out the rough sketch of a
book in my head on the way back to my camp site. After drying off and getting
dressed, I grabbed my laptop out of the van and sat down to write.
I
spent most of the week pouring my heart and soul into writing the book, trying
to put on paper what had been so dear to me. Re-living the tenderness,
passion, struggles and joys of nearly three decades together. In the pre-dawn
hours of Friday morning, my strong, compassionate husband still lived within
the nearly 300 pages on my hard drive and disks. I felt mentally and
emotionally spent after having just re-lived losing him again. The sleep I had
denied myself nearly all week finally overtook me and I fell into a deep
peaceful sleep. I awaken to the hot sun filtering through the trees, feeling
fresh and whole again. My heart has been cleansed. I have come to terms with
my love and my loss; I have found the closure I was seeking. Finally, I feel
that I can go on living without Jack; I have to, for the boys and for myself.
He loved my strength and independence, he would be very sad to see me as I
have been this past year. He would want me to get on with my life. I think
about that and realize that for the first time in my life I want to go on
without him. It is an odd feeling to be this independent, but I can draw
strength from it and go on with my life.
I
inhale deeply, feeling the life flow back into my body. I still have 3 days
left out here, but I think I may go home this evening. Being here and writing
this book have had such a healing effect on me, I can hardly believe it. I
stand up and take a long look around the lake, noticing the beautiful fall
colors just starting to tinge a few leaves. Feeling the weight lifted from me,
I decide to take another swim across the lake.
As
I glide through the chilly waters I notice, that while I am still empty and
aching inside, I have a fresh resolve about life. I am feeling quite good on
the swim back to my campsite, noticing my hands as they brush past my body,
just touching the warm skin. It ignites in me a desire I have not felt in a
long while, too long. I miss my husband, but it is not the all-consuming ache
any more. I feel soft and feminine. I feel strong again. The haze is gone. I
smile as I roll to my back and enjoy the sensations of my hands rubbing my
skin as I slowly swim. It feels incredibly wonderful to feel again. I climb
out of the water and just lay on the beach enjoying the sun beating down on my
body. It feels glorious. My mind is spinning with thoughts of things I need to
do to get my life back on track.
Lost
in my thoughts I suddenly hear a man clear his throat not too far from me. It
doesn't register until he says,
"Uh,
Jen, can you put on a towel or some clothes or something so I can turn around
again."
I
scream and run to my tent, diving through the flap door. Who on earth could be
here? Why would someone be here? I am panting and my mind is racing nearly as
fast as my heart as I throw on some shorts and a T-shirt. When I emerge from
the tent, I see Eric sitting on a log by the fire pit. His face flushed and
looking down at the ashes from last nights fire. Without looking up he starts
to speak.
"I'm
sorry, Jen, had I known you would be like that, I would not have come out
here." He clears his throat again, "I saw one of the boys in town
and he told me you were out here. I was worried about you being alone, so I
decided to come out and check on you." He looked up briefly, and then
stood, looking down again, "Well, I guess you are ok, so I will go
now."
As he started to walk back towards the bridge, he turned,
looking me in the eyes.
"You
look good Jen. I saw you smile; I don't think I have seen you smile in a long
time. It was nice to see."
Now
it was my turn to blush.
"Thank
you. I am sure you saw more than my smile, Sorry about that."
I
smiled again at him, now he was blushing too.
"The
caretaker told me I would be alone, so I didn't expect to be seen." Now I
was the one clearing my throat. "I guess I am feeling a lot better now.
This week has been very good for me, but I would like to hear another voice. I
didn't realize that I was lonely. Will you stay for lunch, such as it
is?"
He agreed to stay and I fixed peanut butter sandwiches and
chips for us as we talked. I told him about the book and how hard it was to
write, but how much better I felt since it was done. He told me how he had
been spending a lot of time out at my husband�s grave the last few months.
How he had finally come to terms with the loss of his closest friend and how
he had overcome his tremendous guilt for not being able to revive him. We
talked about Jack a lot. We cried together and held one another for comfort
from time to time. I found myself enjoying how safe I felt within his strong
arms. My emotions were sliding out of control again, I needed to clear me head
and think. I stood up to start a fire so I could get dinner ready.
"Would
you like to stay for dinner too?" I asked him.
He
looked at me and said, "Um, yeah, sure, if you don't mind."
�Mind?
No way, it is great to hear another voice again.� I looked at him, realizing
that he had been going through the same sort of hell I had been for the last
year. �Eric, it�s great to see you again. I guess I have been so tightly
wrapped this last year that I didn�t realize you were hurting just as badly
as I have been. I am so sorry. We should have been there to help one another.�
�Jen,
we both had to get to the point where we could accept each other�s help, I
think we are finally there.�
He
looked deeply into my eyes causing a stirring of butterflies deep within me. I
looked away.
�So,�
I took a deep calming breath before turning around again. �Since we are both
in helping moods, why don�t you help me get this fire going then.�
I
smiled and extended my hand to him to help him get up. His touch only served
to further stir those flutters within me. He dropped my hand and quickly went
to find some wood for the fire.
The
fire started, I opened a couple of cans of soup into a pan and set it over the
lowest flames to warm. I walked down to the dock to join Eric, who was looking
out, across the lake.
�Let�s
take a swim for old times sake,� I suggested. �It will be a while yet
before the soup is ready.�
He started looking at his feet again, so I asked him what was
the matter, I knew he was an excellent swimmer. We swam across this lake many
times together with Jack. He finally admitted to not having a swimsuit. I
smiled; I was feeling pretty feisty and relaxed with him.
"Tell
you what,� I said with a newfound boldness, �you turn around and I will
strip down and dive in, then I will turn and you can do the same, we can both
swim in the buff. We can do the same when we get out."
He
reluctantly agreed then went to gather some towels while I got into the water.
We
were both very careful not to swim too close to one another, each of us
acutely aware of our nakedness. The feeling was exhilarating. Being so close
to Eric and being so exposed made me feel alive. Following with tradition, we
decided to race to the far shore. Having made this swim several times
recently, I quickly took the lead. Our bodies slicing through the water as we
quickly moved along, pausing only when I yelled taunts back to him from time
to time. As we were just about in the center of the lake the water became very
cold. I looked back to tell him to pick up the pace before we both turned to
icicles. I noticed that he had stopped swimming quite a ways back and was now
treading water. I swam back to him, yelling to him and laughing.
"Aww,
come on old man, can't you even make it across once anymore?!"
As
I got closer I realized he was in real trouble. Recognizing the signs of a
swimming cramp. I swam up next to him and supported his body in the water. He
was gasping to catch his breath,
"Help
me to the shore, Jen.�
My
old lifeguard training kicked in right then. I grabbed him under the chin and
told him to relax and float behind me as I did a sidestroke. I look of panic
crossed through his eyes as he realized again that he was naked and would be
bobbing above the water line. I smiled at him, trying to reassure him.
�Oh
come on Eric, you saw a whole lot more of me just a while ago. Besides, you
silly man, yours is not the first manhood I had ever seen, so just relax and
float like a good drowning victim�
He gasped and let out a half laugh, half groan then began to
float on his back.
As
I began to swim with him, my body brushed again and again against his, causing
all kinds of thoughts to run through my head. Feelings I thought were long
dormant caused my heart to beat faster. After a few minutes my head was
reeling with thoughts and feelings, my breath coming in short gasps, which
Eric noticed.
"Jen,
I�m feeling better and this is hard on you, lets see if I can swim
now."
I
stopped and let him reposition himself in the water. I still held on to him
under one of his arms until I was sure he was ok. I felt his full body brush
against mine. I jolt of electricity passed through me. I gasped. He turned to
me and began to tread water as I was doing. He looked very concerned as he
looked me in the eyes.
"Are
you ok?" He asked.
"Yes,
I replied, "just a little out of breath."
He
seemed to be doing well on his own now.
"Stay
close to me" I said to him, "and we will swim slowly back to shore,
ok."
He
agreed. We swam, our bodies bumping and our hands brushing one other a few
times. I enjoyed the feeling of his warmth against me and I noticed that I was
beginning to feel very warm myself, in spite of the cold water and rapidly
cooling air. I bumped into him on purpose a few times and enjoyed the
sensation of his naked skin against mine. I�m not sure, but I thought I felt
him doing the same. We reached the shore far too quickly.
Eric
turned his back as I got out first and wrapped in a towel then went to stand
by the fire while he got out. The heat felt so good on my shivering body.
Eric, now wrapped in a towel and shivering too, came to stand by me. He turned
to me and looked at me for a moment.
"Jen,
I want to thank you, I guess I am getting too old to be jumping into freezing
cold water. I was pretty scared there for a minute. I didn't think you were
ever going to turn around and see I needed help, Thanks."
He
reached out and timidly hugged me. I returned the hug not wanting it to end.
His body was so strong and warm. I felt like I could melt into his embrace. I
sighed.
"Oh,
Eric, it feels so good to be held right now."
He started to pull away from me.
"No,"
I croaked out, "Please, Just hold me for a little while."
I
felt him embrace me again, his hands slowly stroking my shoulder and back. It
felt so good. I sank further into his arms and gently rubbed his back a
little. His body straightened up as he pulled back a little.
"No,"
I whimpered.
He
pulled back a little as he looked intently into my eyes. His voice was
unsteady and full of emotion as he spoke.
"Jen,
if I continue to hold you, I am going to kiss you. I don't want to rush you
into anything you aren't ready for."
I
looked into his eyes and saw the desire there but I also saw love behind it. I
realized than that it wasn't just a physical need my body was responding to,
but rather, I really loved this man. We had been friends for nearly 30 years.
He was Jack's best friend, I knew him nearly as well as I had Jack. I had
always loved and respected him, as a friend, but there was more to it than
that. When Jack was alive, I had spent many a night dreaming about what it
would be like to be with Eric, not that Jack wasn't all I ever needed, but
just the random fantasies every woman has. I was suddenly confused. Could I
love Eric as I had loved Jack? I looked into his eyes again. I felt his warm
arms around me. He was looking intently at me, a mixture of hope, desire and
fear on his face. Yes, I think I do love him. I reached up to him, running my
fingers through the hair at the back of his neck.
"Eric,
I want you to hold me like this for a very long time." I stretched up to
him, stopping only inches from his lips, " Kiss me please."
He
looked at me uncertain,
"Are
you sure, Jen?"
He
groaned as I pulled his lips to meet mine. His mouth was so soft and warm.
Very gently I felt his tongue nudging my lips apart, seeking permission to
explore my mouth. I caressed his tongue with mine and gently sucked on it. The
electricity passing between us was incredible. I let out a breathy moan as I
felt his hands slowly begin to explore the exposed skin on my back. I pressed
my body closer to his and began my own exploration of his skin. The passion
between us grew with every touch and stroke we exchanged. Encouraged by my
responses, he began to get bolder, sliding his fingers just under the edge of
my towel. This slow probing closer to my intimate parts was sweetly torturous
and only fuelled my desire for him. I could feel my towel working its way
loose from around my body. When he moved his hand slowly up the side of my
breast, I moved my body slightly, causing the towel to drop from my body. He
froze. I looked up into his disbelieving eyes.
"Please,
Eric, I need you to touch me."
He
looked at me for a moment. I saw him swallow, then he kissed me, so full of
passion it took my breath away. He
slowly kissed his way down my neck as his hands continued to roam the newly
exposed areas. My passion was building to a frenzy. I arched my back, urging
him to take my hardened nipples into his warm mouth. He shyly licked them and
gently took one into his mouth. As he flicked his tongue over the nipple I
felt the explosion set off inside me. My body tensed as I cried out. He
expertly held my nipple and continued to move his tongue over it sustaining my
orgasm for several moments. As I came down I pulled his mouth up to meet mine
kissing him hungrily and thoroughly.
He
broke the kiss by taking my face in both his hands so he could look deeply in
my eyes.
"Jen",
he began, his voice dripping with tenderness and emotion," I know you are
just getting through a very tough time, as am I. I think I loved Jack nearly
as much as you did. I don't want to rush into things with you, but I do want
you to know that I love you. I love you so much. My life is not complete
without you. You may not be ready to hear it, but I wanted you to know. I miss
Jack so much it hurts some days, but I've discovered I miss you even more. I
never want to leave your side again, I know you aren't ready for that, but
having had this time with you has given me the hope that someday that may be a
reality."
I
looked at him, feeling the lump in my throat that kept me from speaking; I
wiped the tears from the corners of my eyes.
"Oh,
Eric, This week I have discovered not only that I am able to love again, but
that I love you. Maybe in time I can love you as much as I love Jack. I think
I should feel like I am betraying the love that I have for him by loving you,
but I don't feel that way. You just feel right. I know that Jack loved you
nearly as much as he loved me. It feels right that the two people that Jack
loved the most should continue to love him and each other as well. I think
Jack would be happy we are taking care of one another."
I
reached up and gently kissed him, my body pressed against his. I kissed his
cheek then his ear. Everything was so clear t me now.
�Eric,�
I whispered, �I want you to make love to me. Do you think we could do that?
I need to feel you inside of me.� I sucked gently on his earlobe.
�Oh,
God Jen.� His voice was a low and shaky. �You have no idea how long I have
wanted to hear you say that. Yes, my beautiful Jen, we can make love.�
He
held my body close to his as he lightly bit into my shoulder. I kissed my way
down his neck to his chest, then took his hand in mine and looked up at him.
�Come
with me.� I whispered.
I
led him into my tent where I laid down on the open sleeping bag. The tent
walls glowed a soft red in the setting sun. Eric knelt down by me feet, his
eyes taking in ever inch of my flesh.
�God,
Jen. You are even more beautiful than I imagined you would be. I am almost
afraid to touch you for fear I�ll realize you are a dream and you�ll
disappear.
�Oh
Eric, I have been living in a dream world, a horrible one for far too long
now. I need your touch to wake me so I can live again.�
He
picked up my foot and cradled it in his hand then dipped his head down and
kissed my ankle. His kiss sent shiver up to the very top of my leg setting me
on fire. He slowly kissed his way up my leg, pausing to kiss the lips nestled
in the center. A moan escaped my lips as he continued on to my belly then up
my body. I felt his hardness dripping on my thigh. I reached under his body
and wrapped my hand around it, stroking up the shaft then letting my fingers
brush his balls.
�Oh
my God! Jen, that feels so good!�
I
pulled down on him so his head was just brushing inside my wet lips. Sliding
him up and down the slick inner side of them until we were both panting.
Pushing my hips upward I slid him inside of me then wrapped my long legs
around him and pulled him deep.
My
body trembled, overtaken with passion from his entry. We both held very still
and savored the feeling of our joining. Our eyes met and in that moment I knew
I would never feel a moment of loneliness or despair. Eric reached down and
kissed me deeply then ever so slowly withdrew until he was just barely in me.
He raised his face from mine and I watched him bite his trembling lip just
before he plunged deeply into me.
�Oh,
Yes, Eric! Yes!� I screamed as he drove deep into me over and over.
My
entire body felt like it was on fire. My toes curled as I wrapped my legs
around him, pulling him into me again and again.
�I
can�t take much more Jen.� The strain was evident in his voice.
�Oh
Eric, cum for me. I want to feel your hot cum deep inside of me!�
I
felt another wave of orgasm crashing over me as he made one final thrust into
me.
�Yes!
Oh yes, my beautiful Jen, Yes! Uuunnnggghhhh!�
I
could feel every twitch as he filled me completely. My body responding to his
as we rode the waves of passion to completion. Our bodies slick with sweat and
our breathing coming in short gasps as we came down. My entire body tingled. I
couldn�t recall a feeling this intense ever.
As
we held one another, Eric�s gentle kisses on my neck, I peered through the
tent flaps watching the beautiful sunset blazing behind the autumn trees. I
could see a future filled with color, and love. I knew the dream was over,
Eric and I could help one another and our lives would begin again.
Note: Background provided by
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I hope you enjoyed the story. If you have any comments, please feel free to e-mail me. I love to hear from my readers and I personally answer all of my e-mail. Thanks!
Tracy