I Spy, You Spy
By Spunk N. Wagnels

Com'on Diane, why don't you just hire a private detective?

Frank would see the money gone from our account.

You mean you don't have any separate money just for yourself?

No.  He turns his paychecks over to me to run the household, and I see that the
bills get paid.

You could call it something else.

I don't think I could come up with a good enough cover for a sizable chunk of
money.  Private detectives cost a lot don't they?

I still don't think you should spy on him at his work.  What if you get caught?

When I was there last time, I found that the bottom cabinet under a built-in
bookshelf is empty.  It is big enough for me to lie completely stretched out,
and even roll over in it, for long hours at a time.  I can push the door open
just enough to see into the room and hear everything that goes on.  Frank has
been staying after at work every night for the last two weeks, and he has a new
secretary.  I want to know for sure before I confront him.  I don't want to ruin
a perfectly good marriage if he isn't doing anything to violate our covenant.

You're just a hopeless romantic.  He's got motivation and opportunity.  How has
your sex life been lately, if you don't mind my being so forward?

You, Jen? Forward? I don't know you any other way.  Well, it's been quick pecks
and mechanical 'I love you's' for weeks now.  He's always too tired from the
extra work.  We are down to Saturday's only, and that's only if he doesn't
unwind too much.

There you have it.  I'd say confront the louse now.  At least he will know you
are watching out for it, and not rolling over like a doormat while he is out
having his fun.

Well, I need to be sure.  I'm going to do it.  I just have to figure out how to
get into the cabinet, and how to convince him that my being gone from home is
normal.

You can tell him that you are going to accompany me to visit my mother as my
social buffer, and to get in some shopping in the big city.  He'd buy that,
wouldn't he?

That would work for the excuse for being gone, but how about getting into the
building?

Does he have a spare set of keys?

Yeah, he does.  Let me see.  Here.  I think these work for his building.

Great.  You're In Like Flint.

Still not so great yet.  There is usually a person at the front desk in the
lobby.

Is that during the day, or around the clock?

I don't know.  I've never been by the place early in the morning.

Now let me get this straight.  You want to climb in this bookcase cupboard
before he gets to work and stay in there all day, until after he leaves so you
can spy on his activities with his secretary.

Pretty desperate hunh.

Not only is it desperate, but what about food, going to the bathroom, or an
unexpected sneeze?

I hadn't thought it through that clearly.

I really only need to be there at the end of work.  I doubt they would do
anything while the office was fully staffed.

So, you really would only want to get in, let's say, after lunch and ride out
about four hours in an enclosed space.

That would be the optimal way to do it, but how do I get into the cupboard in
the afternoon?

Hmm.  You could go out with him to lunch as a goodbye before leaving town with
me, and somehow duck in.  You would use the key there to get back out.  Umm, you
would tell the guard at the desk that you were working late.  I don't think they
would pay as much attention to someone leaving as they would to someone just
coming in.

That could work, but I'd need an accomplice to distract everyone while I duck
in.

I could be your accomplice, hmmm, under what guise though?

You're pretty sneaky. Can't you think of anything?

Hmmm, the only way I can think of making it work is if I was the one doing the
spying and you were to do the distracting, but I don't want to get involved.

How do you mean, if you were the one to do the spying, how do you see that
working?

I'm not going to get involved in this. But if I was, there would be a
possibility to get into Frank's office if, let's say, you were to get publicly
amorous with him right in front of his secretary, embarrassing her to take a
bathroom break, and I'd slip in behind him while you occupied him out front.

How would you get out?

When the lights to his office go off, I'd climb back out and work my way out of
the building as if I was a secretary just finishing up late.  If I had a key to
let myself out, no one would be suspicious I'd think.

Would you do that for me?  If anyone could pull this off, it would be you.

Diane, my dearest friend, you can ask me to do just about anything for you, but
this, I just don't see . . .

Jen, remember when we were girls watching Mission Impossible, and we imagined
what it would be like to pull off a mission like the MI squad.

Yeah, but we were really into makeup and thought the disguises were cool.

Well, remember how you always used to say that there was no point in living life
if we did so without adventure?

I think I was trying to get you to go with me to Europe between your junior and
senior year at U. Conn. over the summer.

Yes, and I did go.  You never would have been able to get your parent's support
for it if I didn't agree to go along with you.  And, remember the times I lied
to Paul for you so you could get out of the in-law hassles?

Look, we can sit here all night creating lists of sacrifices we have made for
each other, but if you tally both columns, I'm pretty sure they would come out
just about even.

You're right.  I never should have even thought about asking you.  If you hadn't
planted the seed in my thinking, the thought would have never crossed my mind.
I am desperate to know if I have a marriage with Frank right now or not.  

So, if you find out that he is messing around, you and Frank are through?

You sound like that would make you happy.  I thought you liked Frank.

I do.  I do. Why, I'd even trade you Paul for him.  Just kidding.  But, if he's
been cheating on you, my opinion of him is out the window.  All the good times
the four of us have had over the years, gone.  Just like that, I'd disown the
crumb from my life, just like I'd do to Paul, if he did anything like that to
me.  Zero tolerance baby, zero.

So you'll help me then?

Oh gawd.  This isn't going to go away, is it?

* * * * * 

Well, here we are.  I can't thank you enough for helping me with this.

Diane, you are going to owe me big time.  I really don't want to do this.

Jenny, I will owe you big time.  I really appreciate you helping me out here.
Now like we discussed, when you see Frank and I return from lunch, you meet us
in the lobby like you are picking me up.  I'll have you tag along to Frank's
office, and I'll proceed to gross out his secretary.  He'll think I grossed you
out too when he surfaces and finds you gone.

If any part of this fails to proceed as planned, I'm bailing.

I understand.  Now, the bookcase is built in along the wall on your right.  If
you crawl in headfirst through the door closest to his desk, you will be able to
look back on him at work.  We should be back from lunch around 1:30, because I
told him that that is when you were picking me up.

Got it.

So are you ready for some adventure?

About as ready as I am going to get, and frankly, it's not a whole lot.

Thank you.  I'm so glad I could count on you.

Unhand me woman.  Just go; go before I change my mind.

Thumbs up for good luck?

Right, go.

* * * * * * *

Hi Frank, Diane, have a good lunch?

The best.  Would you like to come with us to Frank's office?  I'll show you
Frank's natural habitat.

So Frank, do you get dressed up this natty with that nice cologne every day, or
is it just a special day taking your lovely wife out to lunch?

I think I turn myself out this good every day.  What do you think Hun?

You're still my dashing prince charming.  I'm going to miss you over the next
day.  Are you going to miss me?

I think I'm going to be sick.  You guys have been married too long to act like
teens in love.

Here we are.  What do you think of his place, Jen?

Cool hangout Frank, and does She go along with the place?  Easy to look at.

Diane, this is Taylor, my secretary, and Taylor you've met Jenny?

I'm glad to meet you all.  Here are your messages Sir.

Sir!?  Don't call him that too much around here, or he'll be asking me to call
him that at home.

Well if you will all excuse me, I have to take these to make some copies.  It
was nice to meet you all.

Nice to meet you too.  So Frank baby, come here.  I want to say goodbye, the
right way.

Honey, honey.  What's gotten into you?  People will see us.

I thought you liked me to touch you there.  

I do, but not when we can't do anything about it.

Well kiss me again, and I'll only grab those buns of steel this time.

Honey, honey.  Look, Jenny must be in a hurry, she's already gone.  

Oh, she's just probably waiting for me downstairs.  I'm sure she won't leave
without me.  So will you miss me?

You know I will.

Are you going to have to work late tonight again?

Probably will, so you go and have a good time and don't worry about me.

One last kiss.  Muwa.  Be good and I'll call.

Bye Sweetie.

* * * * * * 

Goodnight Taylor.

Goodnight Sir.  Do you need anything before I leave for the evening?

No, here's the Jenkins file.  I'll be all set.  Thank you for your help.  By the
way, when do I get to meet that fiancé' of yours?

He's picking me up tomorrow.  I'll have him come all the way into the office the
next time to meet you.

That'll be good.  Have a wonderful evening.

You too, Mr. Russell.

{Oh shit, oh shit.  He's on the level.  Jenny is so lucky.  God now what am I
going to do?  It would have been an adventure if something were happening.  Now
it's going to be torture until he wraps this evening up.}

Alex Jenkins, please.  Alex, can we meet for drinks and go over a few things?
Fine.  At the Egyptian Room, let's say, half an hour?  See you there.

{Great, he's outta here.  Go Frank.  Go now, you don't want to keep Jenkins
waiting.  The Egyptian Room, hmm, must be for drinkers in de-nial.  Com'on
Frank, time to go.}

Oh blast!  Where did I put those keys?  Here you are.  Okay Tiger, maybe this is
the night.

{Good.  He's gone.  I think.  He left the lights on.  I'd better wait a bit. . .
.  What's this?  It swings open.  It is like a pet entrance.  I don't feel a
hinge; it must be on the other side.  I can barely feel the crack around the
swinging flap when it is at rest. Is this a hideaway or something?  I've got to
get some light in here.  It's been awhile.  It must be safe to get out now.}

Whew!  That is the last time I spend time in coffin space while I'm still alive.

{Better be quiet.  I don't want any surprises.  Now if I open all the cupboard
doors, maybe I can get enough light in there to see what's what. . . .  It's a
strong box.  He's hiding out on Jenny after all.  Let's see if . . . It's not
locked.  I've got to drag it closer.  Oh shit, oh shit.  That was brilliant
Jennifer.  Now the flap is jammed down on your elbows.  How the fuck are you
going to get yourself out of this jam.  I've got to figure a way to move my arms
forward enough to loosen it's grip.  My head is already smashed up to the back
here.  I'm stuck!  I'm fucking stuck.  Call for help.  No, stupid.  It's like
getting caught with your hand in the till.  Oh fuck.  Oh shit.  What am I going
to do?  Be calm.  There is a way out.  You have to be calm enough to see it. . .
.  This is not very comfortable.  This is getting desperate.  I've got to figure
a way . . .  Who's that?}

(Whistling)  !Ay, dios mio! . . .

{Oh god no}  Can you speak English?

Si, si, un poco . . .

I can't understand all of that.  I need you to push on this door for me so I can
get my arms back out.  {Shit, he doesn't understand a word I'm saying.}  No, no,
don't pull on my hips.  It's making it worse.  {Fuck, I can't understand a word
he's saying.  Oh no, I think I know what that refers to.  He's fucking tucked my
skirt up on my back.  He realizes that I am totally stuck.  Oh shit! . . .  Oh,
that filthy son-of-a-bitch, he's pulling my pantyhose off.  I'm going to have
him arrested for this.  Holy Shit, he could have me arrested!}  Hey stop that!

. . . Com'on now, the fun is over.  Speak English for god's sake.  Now you leave
those panties alone.  Stop that!  Goddamn you.  

{Okay, okay, unbutton my shirt.  No don't pull!  I hope there are some buttons
left.  You can play with my tits just don't violate me any more than this.  Hey
you ignorant brute.}  You don't need scissors for the bra, it opens in front.
Shit, you asshole! 

I'll have you arrested for this.  Now unhand me and help me out of here.  I'll
give you a better look at these when I'm free, and I won't tell anyone about
what you've done already, if you just help me out now. . . . Ouch! {Don't pinch
them} Ouch!

He he he he . . .

{Oh god, this is so humiliating!  Be calm, be calm.  He's stopped.}  Oh god, no.
Stop that, get your fingers away from there.  {It's doing no good to flail; it
just hurts my arms more.  His knees are between mine and I can't close my legs
anyway.}  Stop this right now.  This is a felony.  Do you hear?  That's prison,
not jail, you bastard.

. . .  Speak English for Christ's sake.

You like?  You wet.

{That was his zipper.  Oh god, this smelly janitor is going to enter me.}  Oooo,
no!  Please, no! {That's the door again?  Shit I'm being too loud.  Now someone
else is in the room.  God!  Get that filthy thing out of me.  I can't stand the
smell.  Extra hands on my breasts!  They've closed the other doors so I can't
see them.  How many are there?  Who are they?  More people of the night, who
work when we all sleep and play.  This is creepy; oh, he's too rough.  God make
him stop. . . .  Thank you God.  No, not again.  Don't touch me there with those
filthy hands of yours.  I'm already as wet as I'm going to get.  Hey, don't pull
my legs so far apart.} Ow, ow, ow, ow, {I can't hold this position.  What are
they doing?  What is that, spit?  They're spitting on my asshole.  Ooooo, now
those grubby fingers in my asshole.  My legs are stuck.  I can't stop it!  No
one has ever put anything in there!  Not even Paul . . .  I've got to try to get
free again.} Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.  {That is just making it worse.}  No!  Stop it!
Take that out!  Help!  Help! {That was smart!  Now you have this disgusting
moist rag in your mouth and nothing you can do about anything. . . . }

{. . . Crying isn't going to help.  What has that been, six maybe seven guys?
God I hope it was just a few of them having seconds rather than a whole bunch of
different ones.  I didn't know I could feel so reamed out.  I hope I'm not
bleeding.  Oh no, not the door again!}

Ahem! . . .

{Why are they whispering? . . .   Thank you, whomever you are, for putting my
legs back into a more comfortable position.  You smell nice too. . . . You're
not like the rest; that's a gentle hug on my back.  I like the way you are
playing with my breasts.  Kisses on my ass, what is this?}  Hello, hello!  {He
can't make that out with this rag-gag.  What's the use in trying to talk to him.
. . .  Oooo, oh my god, that actually feels nice, so big, so firm, and he is so
gentle with it.  Actually you can go faster if you want.  Oh, this is heaven.
What am I saying, my legs hurt, my arms are in pain, my asshole is reamed open,
I'm going to get what god awful diseases from this rag, and I think this is
heaven?  Yes, yes, that's the way to do it.  You are a master at this.  Oh you
wonderful man you.  More, more, faster, deeper, yes like that smooth and
determined.  You're reviving my flesh there.  If my arms were free, I'd hug you.
Yes, yes, yes, don't stop, keep,  . . . keep, . . .Oh Yes!  Ooooo, I can't
breathe deep enough.  Ohmygod, oh-my-god, yes, yes, yes, yes. . . . You can stop
now.  I can't do it again.  Oh no, that's pretty fast, oh let me ride your
missile forever.   That's it, that's it, anytime you want to shoot, I'm with
you, but you'd better hurry. . . . Ohmygod, how wonderful.  How can it be this
wonderful?  I want to hold you, thank you, you magnificent creature. . . .Oh I
hate to see that slippery eel slide out for the last time. . . . What am I
saying?  I've just been gang fucked by strangers; I'm in pain everywhere on my
body.  Please be merciful on me. Let me go.  Please be done with me and let me
go.}

{What's all that commotion?  What are they whispering about?  What is this?  A
broomstick!?  The gate!  Let go and pull back your arms; They're letting you
out. . . .} Ouch! {Now there's insult to injury.  I'll have a knot on my head
for sure.  Okay, now it's time to back all the way out and face the music. . . .
They're all gone!  This rag.}  Pew, sput, yuck.  Hello.  {I'm outta here.  Where
are my clothes?  Maybe I can staple this bra together.  My skirt will cover my
nakedness below.  Now look first.  Okay go for it.  I never should have worn
heels.  Com'on elevator, com'on.}

Buenos noches, Senora.

You go on, I'll take the next one.

Buenos noches, Senora.

Buenos noches, Senora.

{Oh god.  Don't cry.  Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you cry.  Take
the stairs.  Slow down.  Why won't my body let me slow down?  The bouncing it'll
. . . there go the staples.  I thought these larger breasts were supposed to be
the envy . . . right now, flopping on these stairs, I'd trade them in a
heartbeat. . . . Good, nobody at the desk.  Just the door left to get out of
this god-forsaken place.  Oh no, someone washing the glass doors.  Yes hold it
open so I don't have to take my arms down.}

Good evening, Senora.

{Now he speaks English.}

{Good, my car's still there. . . . Now pull yourself together.  Now is not the
time to break down.  Get to the hotel and take a bath and a shower, and into
warm sheets and in the morning it will be a new day.}

* * * * * * * 

Jen?

I'm sorry did I wake you?

I must have dozed off.  What kept you so long?  I thought you'd be out of there
in time for us to have a late dinner.

I got hung up.  No, don't turn on the light.  I want to stay as sleepy as I can.

Okay.  You are heading to bed now, aren't you?

Just have to clean up first.  Will be right there.

* * * * * * * * 

{Finally, in bed.}

So, what did you find out?  How was the Mission Impossible?

Well, he's not sleeping with the secretary.

Oh, I hoped you'd say that.

What is that smell?

What?

Next to me.  From the chair.  That is Frank's cologne on your jacket, isn't it?

Yes, I suppose so.

Hmmm, interesting.  In one way, you are a very lucky woman.  

Yes I am, and thank you for finding out about the secretary. 

Sure, no problem.  So what are you going to do now?

Tomorrow night we have a lavish party to go to for the widow Jenkins,
celebrating the finalization of her inheritance.  Right after we get home, I'm
going to show Frank how much I love him.

Yes you do that, and from now on, the adventures are on you.