Time the Revelator

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�So, do you want to talk about sex?�

I watched her from the couch as she put a bite of cake into her mouth.� I had to smile slightly at her blunt attempt to return to the conversation of the previous day.� Megan just looked at me as she chewed.

�Sure,� I said as I moved to join her at the table.� I took a bit of the frosting from the scraps on the plate, remnants from the cake we had constructed for a friend�s party earlier that day.� A long but satisfying five-hour collaboration had produced a rather impressive castle, complete with moat and drawbridge.

We had left the party early to come home and watch a movie, but the intensity of baking and frosting in a small kitchen had drained me.� Particularly when Megan was in such a sprightly mood.�

The movie was out of the question now, I thought, looking at my watch.� Megan had insisted on cleaning the confectioner�s sugar and food coloring off of the counters and table before doing anything else.� Then I had waffled on whether I felt like starting the movie at all, and now it was getting too late.� I hate starting movies and not finishing them in one sitting.� It wasn�t an easy decision to bag the film, since it looked like a particularly romantic one.� Megan had admitted to me just the day before that watching romance on screen got her excited.� Not that I hadn�t figured that out in the last twelve years with her, but she had never voiced it.

But there was no point in starting a romantic movie if we were going to be too tired to finish it, let alone take advantage of any post-movie feelings.

�So have you had any thoughts?� she asked, licking a few last crumbs off of her fingers.

�Since yesterday?� No, not really,� I said.� The frosting was too good, so I grabbed a chunk of cake, a ruined turret.� Probably not a good idea, given the amount of cake I had already eaten that day.�

�You?� I asked back, through filled mouth.

�I don�t know.� I still feel the same.�

�I know that, but have you had any revelations?�

Megan shrugged.� I wondered if she was tired too, since her mood seemed to be suddenly drooping.� I had had an idea the night before.� I decided to try it.

�Okay.� Right now,� I said.� �Let�s go to bed.� You take charge.� Make love to me.�

�Now?� Megan said, staring at me.�

�Yeah.� Time for action,� I pressed, trying to get her excited about the idea.

�No!� Talk about spotlights on!� The pressure��

�Pressure?� Spotlights?� That�s my whole point.� They�re not there.� You�re putting the pressure on yourself.�

�I just wanted to talk,� she said quietly.

I sighed.� �Well, I don�t know what the answer is.�� My tone was more heavy than I wanted.

�Well, that�s why I thought we could talk about it,� she said.� The defensiveness crept into her voice, and I took another deep breath.� Perhaps we should just go to sleep, I thought.

�I kind of said my piece yesterday,� I said.� �I don�t know that I have much more to add, without some sort of response from you.�

Megan just stared at her paper towel, dusted with cake crumbs.

�What did you think of what I said yesterday?� I asked finally.

�I don�t know.� I... I don�t remember exactly what you said,� she admitted with downcast eyes.

�What?�� I slumped back in my chair, looking at her.� So much for having had a conversation the day before.

�We were busy, and things were crazy, and I didn�t have my full attention in it.�

I sat stone-faced.� So she hadn�t really listened.� What was the point of talking then?� Some resentment started to brew up, but then I quelled it.� I knew I was guilty of such ignorance as well.� How often would I drift off during conversation and then have to ask about already-told details?� Enough times not to get mad at Megan now, surely.� Besides, the subject was already touchy.

�What?� she asked tentatively, after I didn�t say anything for a long while.

�Let�s talk in bed,� I offered, moving the cake to the fridge.� Maybe we should just sleep and take the subject up on a better night.

I lay in bed a little while later, as Megan got ready in the bathroom.� The long weekend had been exceptional so far.� We were in the midst of a sexual renaissance of sorts, and this weekend was a highlight.� The night before had been magical, a quasi-spiritual experience.� Megan had completely let herself go, and I had driven her to thorough satisfaction.� And today, making the cake was more fun than I would have thought.� She wore my favorite skirt (wholly not a baking outfit, for sure, but I didn�t complain), and teased me with peeks down her top as she would express some frosting here or there.� Sharing the creativity of making the cake with her was refreshing and exciting.� I had been hoping the movie would fire us up into a climactic evening.� That was lost now, but the weekend was still memorable nevertheless.

Despite having somewhat crashed, I didn�t want to mar the night with a confrontation.� So turning out the lights was an option.� On the other hand, Megan was open to discussing the topic, even having reinitiated it.� That was an opportunity that was hard to pass up.� The whole weekend she was talking about things which I never expected she would.� We had reached a new level of sharing, both fantasies and fears.

Megan walked into the bedroom and took off her clothes.� I smiled as I watched her pull her black bra and panties off, tiptoeing to send them through the laundry chute.� As she dug through her dresser, her bottom swayed a little.� Her resolution to work out had paid off: her body was almost back to the form she had when I first met her, the delicate yet firm curves of a dancer.�

A promising ballet career had disappeared with a pop of a tendon in high school.� It would never be the same, so she decided to leave it all behind and do something else.� Geology, then art history, before finally settling into education.� Was there resentment for missing out on a dream?� Surely, although that was a layer I had never dared to fully peel back.� But at the same time, we would not have met had she gone on to dance.� She would never have come to the same university, sat next to me in English class, agreed to get some coffee, come in my dorm room.� We both knew that but for the strange turns in each of our lives, we�d likely be unknown to each other now.�

I was surprised to see her pull on a pink negligee.� Sure, she wore the piece every now and then, since she had gotten it for our honeymoon cruise eight� was it really eight years ago?� Time slipped around us so slowly, and yet already eight years ago she was dressed like this, reclining on the bed in a cabin over the Mediterranean sea as I poured more champagne.� I could still smell her perfume if I needed to.

But her putting it on after the tense moment in the kitchen suggested she had not let her openness flag.�

She lay down in bed and pulled the sheet over her body.� Summer nights round here are hot, and the sheet was more for contact than warmth.

We looked at each other for a while.

�I�m sorry,� she said.

I smiled away her impending explanation.� My brief resentment from earlier was long gone.

�Don�t worry about it.� Let�s just start over.�

Megan nodded, as I took a breath and began again.

�So,� I started, �first off, your worry about losing me as your husband because of sexual performance is silly.� I mean, look at our life together?� Do you think with everything we�ve been through, I�m going to leave you because sometimes you aren�t into sex?�

�I don�t know, maybe you get frustrated.� I worry about that.�

�Look, Megan, we�ve been together for twelve years.� Yes, life has been busy and we�ve slowed down that part of our lives, while speeding up others.� But still, I have to say, when we have good sex, it�s not just good, it�s incredible.� So sometimes you are not in the mood, so what?� And besides, there are so many other reasons that I�m really married to you, this is just one facet.�

�I know, but I want to make you happy in this too.� We get all worked up, you do something nice for me, and then we get to the moment and it�s like someone turns the faucet off,� she said sadly.� �I know that must be frustrating for you.�

�It�s not about me,� I said.� �It�s about us.� I�d rather go great a few times than just do it for my sake more often.�

�But I do want to do it more too, and then I get these weird moods.� I get worried, and feel awkward.� It�s like I don�t know what to do.�

I laughed.� �I don�t know why you say that.� There�s very little that you could do that I wouldn�t like.� Barring pain, I think anything goes.� Just try whatever comes to mind.�

�I don�t even know what that is.� Sometimes I just feel like I�m not any good at sex.�

�Well, when you open yourself up to the mood, you are incredible.� Like just the other night,� I added.

�I know, but I can�t always let go.� It�s a vicious cycle.� I start worrying about letting go, or thinking about everyday stuff, work, you know.� Then that gets in the way of the moment.� Then I tense up, and then it starts.�

I looked at her with a smile.� �Don�t hold on for my sake.� I want to see you share this like we share everything else.� You�re the person I want to be with.� I�m not going anywhere.� Why not let go?�

�Because you can get hurt.��

I was slightly taken aback by her answer.� She was right; I had hurt her in the past.� Our second year together, as sophomores in college, a freshman and I had spent more time together than was prudent.� Despite this girl�s eventually obvious flirtations and propositions, I had remained true to Megan, and I faded my new friend away after the first semester ended.� But in retrospect, my closeness with this rather attractive girl after a summer mostly apart from Megan was not a good decision.� From Megan�s perspective, she thought for sure I was about to leave her.� Years later, she admitted how surprised she was when I invited her to my parents� house for Thanksgiving weekend that year.�

And then there was the time she found an adult video in my desk a few years after we were married.� I occasionally rented, and another bad decision on my part was not telling her about it.� Like my dad used to say, lies have short legs so it�s easy to catch up with them.� So I was not terribly surprised to come home one night and see her watching that video.� She� thought I watched it for the girls, when in truth I watched it for the sex.� But that subtle difference was hard to explain from the awkward position of having hid this activity from her to start with.

�Yes, you can get hurt,� I admitted.� �But, you still don�t ever get this time back.� You only get one chance at everything you do.� If you don�t let go today, you won�t get that day back.�

�How do you know we�re right for each other?� she asked.� �I mean, I can�t understand anything about what you do.� Why do you even want to be with me?� I can�t talk to you about your work beyond you telling me the basics.� You must get so bored.�

I smiled at hearing these words.� She had stuck through my long years of schooling and research, times where I wouldn�t come home until she was asleep and would be out the door before she even got up to pee.� We had some different strengths when it came to work, to be sure.

�Megan, that doesn�t matter.� I still like talking with you about work.� I don�t need you to be a colleague, though.� I need you to be you.�

�But why me?� You�re so good at what you do, how do I know you won�t want to be with someone who understands your work?�

�Because I don�t want that,� I said.� �We�re like two puzzle pieces.� If we were identical, we wouldn�t fit together well at all.� Besides, there are things you do that I have no idea about either, but I still love hearing about them.�

�I just teach kids.�

�I wouldn�t be able to do what you do.�� It was the truth.

�But you save lives,� she said.

�And you shape them, which is even more important.� I replied.� �I don�t want to be with anyone but you.� You know that.�

Megan finally smiled wistfully at me.� �I know.� But sometimes I just need to hear you say it.�

Yes, I thought, life sometimes does get in the way of telling her how I feel about her.�

�I guess it�s like the cake we made today,� she suddenly said, hope in her voice.� �I could never have done that without you to lay out the architecture.�

�And I can�t frost for shit,� I said.

Megan laughed out loud.� �No, you really can�t,� she agreed.� She sighed.� �I had a good time today.� This whole weekend, really,� she added.

�Me too.�

As I gazed at her, I wondered how often in twelve years we�d had these kind of discussions.� It suddenly struck me that in the past, we had talked about this after she was in a funk, when she was the distant, closed Megan.� But this weekend she was very much not.� And yet, she wanted to bring this part of our relationship up.

Megan really could be two different people:� a sexy, wild lover, willing to try almost anything, connecting emotionally with me so closely that I felt like I was her sometimes.� And at other times, she was detached and closed, unable to stay in the moment, only letting me in to please me.� Early on, before I could read her, I would forge ahead, unaware of the distance between us even as I was inside her.� But eventually I figured it out, and now, unless I knew she was with me, I wouldn�t continue the journey.� It was frustrating, particularly when we were both excited, building up the tension only to have her drift off in the middle.� But I wasn�t with her just for the physical anymore, so it had to be mutual right to the end.�

It made it worth it, as the weekend had reminded me.

�So back to the topic?� she said.

�Which one, now?�

�Sex.�

�Sure, I�m always ready for that.�

Megan considered something for a moment.

�Sometimes I wonder if maybe my first time, I don�t know, messed me up.�

I watched her carefully, as her past sexual experience didn�t come up too often.

�I mean, I never knew why he broke up with me,� she continued.� �I sometimes wonder if it was because I was not very good when we had sex.�

�Why?�

�Well, the first week back at EBT, Ben told me that he thought we needed a break.�

EBT was a summer dance camp Megan attended after her Junior year in high school.

�And then soon after that,� she went on, �he started going with this other girl.� Monette.� What a stupid name.� She was such a� she was very sexual, I think.� She wore long shirts and short shorts so it looked like she had nothing on under her shirt.� She had big boobs, and she always walked around pushing her chest out.�� She demonstrated for me.

�So he went for her then?� I asked, as I caressed the soft flesh of her chest.

�Yeah.� I think he wanted someone more experienced.�

�I wouldn�t jump to conclusions.� I mean, what was Ben like, wasn�t he an asshole, a total jump-from-one-woman-to-the-other kind of guy?�

�Yeah, he was an asshole.� He was also really popular.� Like big man on campus type of guy.� I�d never been out with someone like that, so maybe that�s why I was drawn to him.� But I later heard some stuff, like that he was with someone when he started dating me.� He let her go after he was with me, but still.� And he would always pick on people.� I really don�t know what I saw in him.�

�Well, it�s definitely his loss.� And those kind of guys aren�t worth shit, I think.� And plus, he would have left you, sexual or not.� I mean, is he still with Monette?�

�Monette?� No, they were done before the summer was even over.�

�Well, there you go.� But still, there�s something in this, tell me more,� I said.

�Like what?�

�How did you end up having sex with him again?�

I knew the rough timeline of her relationship with Ben, but none of the details.

�It was prom weekend, I was over his house, and it just� happened.�

�Had he talked about doing it before, or was it��

�I don�t remember, it�s been a long time.� But yeah, I think he talked about it some.�

�Why did you have sex if you didn�t like him?�� It wasn�t an accusation, just a clarification.

�I don�t know, I felt like I was in a trance when I was with him.� I couldn�t think straight.� He was a very persuasive type of guy.� I didn�t really want to, but I just felt like I couldn�t say no to him.�

�So, did he force you?� I asked delicately.

�No, I don�t think� I don�t think it was that, I wouldn�t say he� raped me or anything.� I was just going along with whatever he said, for some reason.� Like I said, I was in a daze.�

�Hmm.� Well, that�s obviously a powerful association for you, since he broke up with you soon after.�

�I just wish I could take that time back.� Tell him to his face what I really think of him.�

�Why don�t you?�

�How?�

�Just write him a letter.� Don�t send it, but just get it out of your system.�

Megan thought for a moment.� �I kind of did once.� Remember when Talia and I went cross-country to visit her aunt?�

�Yeah, I remember,� I said.

�We got to talking about Ben and the breakup, and she said, �Pretend I�m Ben, and tell me what you want to say to him.� �So I did. �I told her.� And I did feel better after that,� she admitted.� There was a lack of closure to her statement though.

�Well, good, but�?��

�I still don�t know what his side was.�

�You�ll never know.� Therein lies the key, it�s all you now.�

Megan nodded.

�I wish I had never done it with him,� she said seriously.� �I�ve always said I wish you could have been my first.�

�I know.� And you were, in here,� I said, tapping her chest.

Megan smiled a little.� �But still.�

We watched each other for a little while, and then her eyes narrowed.

�I found out some stuff about him later,� she said mischievously.

�Oh yeah?� Like what?�

�He got expelled from college, he couldn�t pass his classes.� Don�t think of me as a bad person, but I felt kind of good hearing that!�

�I know you�re not a bad person.� And that even makes me feel a little good!�

We laughed and kissed.� I had never heard this much detail about her first encounter.� I felt connected to her in a way I had never been before, and I wanted to explore that connection further.

�So what about your second time?� I asked.

�My second time?�

�Yeah, was there anything bad with that?�

�Um, no, not really.� It was short.� At the end of EBT.� Ben was already gone, but some part of me maybe wanted to show him.� Prove that I could do it right.�

�Prove to him, or to yourself?�

�Me, I guess,� she admitted.

I nodded, and squeezed her hand.� She was being incredibly honest with me, and I appreciated that.

��It was funny,� she continued, �he had gotten some rubbers from an education thing he went to, and they were green.� I was really worried, they looked kind of weird.� I remember wondering if they were going to work or not.�

I laughed a little, picturing a pack of ugly green rubbers.�

I had always thought her second time was a one-off as well, but from the way she spoke, it seemed like she had done it several times.� It was a small detail, but an interesting one.� It changed a little the nature of her second sexual relationship.

�So why didn�t you stay with him?� I asked.

�We wrote a few times.� But he lived in Germany.�

�He was German?�

�No, American, but he was over there.� I wasn�t about to try that long-distance relationship.� I mean, Ben was hard enough, he lived two hours away.� I only saw him on weekends at dance rehearsals, and at EBT.� So trying to stay with Nate while he was in Germany was going to be stupid.�

�So it was just a fling?� I said, clarifying the relationship.

�Yeah, a fling,� she agreed.� �It was ten days, and then I had to leave.�

I nodded, searching her eyes.� Then I let out a sly smile.

�What?� she asked, suspicious.

�Nothing.�

�You have that look.�

�What look?�

�Like you�re not telling me something.�

�Well, maybe, but I�m not saying.�

�What?� Why not?�

�You�ll think it�s weird.�

�What is it?� she begged.

�No.�

I wondered what thoughts were going through her head.� I was going to have to tell her now, but I liked teasing her.� And warning her too, before I spilled some of my secrets.

�You have to tell me,� she urged.� �I promise I won�t think it�s weird. �Depending on what it is.�

I laughed richly at her fine print.� I rolled onto my back and looked at the ceiling.

�Alright.� It�s naughty, though.�

�Okay,� she said expectantly.

�Hearing about you with these other guys is a bit of a turn-on.�

Megan looked at me, a questioning smile growing across her face.

�A turn-on?� You like hearing about me with other guys?�

I turned back to her.� �Yeah.� I mean, they happened in the past, before I knew you.� But it�s a bit exciting.�

�Why?�

�I don�t know, just picturing you with them is��

Megan just smiled at me, appraising me.

�I mean, I don�t like that you had a bad relationship,� I added, �but the second one, a fling, you know, it�s a bit wild.� For you.�

�For me?� Usually I�m not wild?�� She pouted gravely.

�Oh, yes, you can be wild, but back then?� It�s not exactly the picture I have of you at seventeen, I guess.�

�Okay,� she said.

I could tell she wasn�t quite convinced, but she didn�t press further.

�So, the second time wasn�t bad then?� I asked, returning to the subject at hand.� �But you said maybe you did it to prove something to yourself.� Did you really like him, or was it just that he was willing and ready?�

�No, I liked him too.� Probably I was willing and ready because of what happened with Ben, so things went faster with Nate.� But it�s hard to say.� It was a short relationship.� A fling, you know?�

�No, I don�t know, I�ve never had a fling.�

Megan was my first and only lover.� The closest thing I ever had to a fling was kissing Nicole Garrard for a few weeks one summer, and then again a year later when we were drunk and stoned.� And touching her breasts, I think.

�Well, I just meant a fling, like it didn�t really matter.�

�I get the idea,� I said.

Megan�s eyes narrowed again.� �So it really turns you on?�

I laughed a little, surprised at her return to that theme.

�Yeah, I know, it�s weird.�

�No, it�s not that.� If I had to hear about you with other girls, I�d be jealous.�

�I think I would have been jealous years ago, but I�m not bothered by it now.�

�Last time we talked about this you wigged out,� she said.

I cast my thoughts back to my apartment in college.� Nine years ago?� Incredible, I thought.� Such time had passed.

We were in bed, and Megan was having trouble getting in the mood.� It had been a long night already, helping a friend move out of the dorm into the same apartment building I was living in as junior in college.

For some reason I had been wondering about her past lover, after seeing a picture of him in her old photo album.� He looked like an arrogant prick, I thought.� I couldn�t help wondering about the guy, how many times they had done it, how, where.� Megan�s vacillating mood was only stoking the flames of curiosity.

As I lay there with my back to her, she caressed me for a while.� I could tell she was frustrated with her low sex drive, but was unsure what to do.

All I wanted to do was ask about her past, but I was afraid to.�

She pulled away from me, and there was long silence as we lay apart.

�What are you thinking about,� I said.

�A lot of stuff.� Us, and what it was like before,� she said.

�What it was like before?� I asked, surprised to hear that her mind was in the same place mine was.

�It was not good.�

�You mean not being with me?�

�Yeah.� What were you thinking about?�

�Same things.� Us, and before.�

�What about before?�

�I was wondering about you.� I said vaguely.

�What do you mean?�� Her voice had grown soft.

�I don�t know.�� I couldn�t ask.

After an eternal silence, she spoke.

�You want to know about Ben.�� It wasn�t a question; she knew.

So that was his name.�

After a bit of hesitation, for my sake as much as hers, I asked her to tell the story.

She started going out with him in her junior year in high school, in March, she explained with even voice.� After the spring prom, he fucked her, as she put it.� Then he didn�t talk to her anymore, and broke up with her on the first day of EBT, to go out with someone else.

I was somewhat shaken at this point.� My chest was tight.� I was angry, sad, hurt, jealous, protective, and somewhat turned on, even.� My Megan, treated such, was not something I liked hearing about.

But I was able to compose myself.� At least I knew, now, what she had been through.� It was not a deep romance, or a great love, or even a friendly coupling.� Just some asshole taking advantage of her polite and na�ve upbringing.

So asked her if she ever did it again with him.� She said besides kissing, that was the only thing she�d ever done.� That was good.� It could have been worse, I thought.

She was pretty upset, seeing that I was hurt.� But I comforted her, saying that the details made me sad, and I wished she didn�t have to have gone through that.� There was no reason to be upset over something we had never talked about, and besides, it was in the past, and she wasn�t like she was keeping it from me.�

�I mean, you did tell me, early on, that first week we were together, you told me you�d done it once before,� I said.

Megan grew agitated, asking disjointed questions about why I thought she had told me it was just once.� Was I sure?� There was fear and desperation in her voice.� I calmly replied that she had told me, on our first night of serious petting, that she had had sex �once� before.

There was some silence as she sat on the bed.� I wondered what was coming.

�There�s something else,� she said.

�What is it?�

�There was another person.�

I thought she was kidding.� I seriously did.� But at the same time, I knew she wasn�t.� There was no mistaking the anguish in her voice.� But damn, I wanted it so much to be a joke!

�You�re kidding, right?�

�No, I�m so sorry.�

�Megan, this isn�t funny, tell me you�re kidding?�

�I�m not.� That summer was crazy, I was messed up.� I�m so sorry.�� She was in tears.� �There was someone else besides Ben.�

I�d read in books that when someone hears something so shocking, their mind reels.� I knew in that moment what they meant.� I was dumbstruck.� My whole perspective changed for an instant.� I was laying down, and then I was sitting on the edge of the bed.� Megan was crying insanely.� I kept saying, �I�ll be alright, I just have to sit up.�� She threw herself on my shoulders, crying, apologizing, telling me she had lied.

She pleaded for me not to be mad at her, or dump her. �Or hate her.

I loved her so deeply, even then.�

I didn�t want to lose her.� I couldn�t handle her sadness, her terrified thoughts that I would leave her for something like that.� And at the same time, a million images of her with another guy flashed through my mind.� And mixed in like a black thread was arousal, twisting itself into the stew of feelings swirling in my head.

She pleaded with me to talk to her, but I just sat still, breathing raggedly.� I felt on the edge of a precipice, with these demon thoughts about to push me over.�

Eventually I regained control of my senses.� Megan�s tears had soaked my shoulder and back.� I took her into an embrace; it was hard for both of us right then.� She was devastated.

I told her that I would never leave her.� Not for this.� She hadn�t done anything wrong.

She told me vaguely that her second time didn�t mean anything, that it had been at summer dance camp, and she didn�t keep touch with him after that summer.

She said she didn�t really want to talk about it ever again.� Through the vulnerability of my emotions, I consented, and stashed my million questions away.

I had let that night slip away from consciousness over the last nine years.� How different we were now.� The same discussion, in essence, but the bond we had built in the nine years since now allowed for honesty.� That tenuous thread connecting us back then,� that wouldn�t let me leave her for keeping it from me, had grown into a thick coil which wrapped us tighter together the more we opened ourselves to each other.

�You know, that night I think I mostly wigged out at your reaction,� I said, smiling gently.� �Not so much the news.�

Megan shrugged.

�So tell me about your second time.�

�Tell you about it?� she asked.

�Yeah.� I want to know.� Where, how?�

�Really?�

�I told you, I don�t mind.� I want to hear.�

She watched me for a second, and then smiled.

�Alright.� I did something naughty the last night of camp.� My parents were coming on Sunday to get me, but my last dorm night was Friday night.� So I told everyone that I was going to stay with a friend in town on Saturday.�

I listened raptly as Megan relived the details of her fling for me.

�There was a curfew in the dorms back then, and we couldn�t be in the guys� dorm after ten or something, when they did room check.� So I hid in a closet in some guy�s room while they checked, and then Nate came and got me.�

�Wow, risky!� I said, sharing the feeling of her nervousness.

�I know.� I had snuck out before, at NCSA, but this was kind of more daring.�

NCSA was the arts school Megan attended for her last two years of high school.

�So then what?� I said, unable to keep the excitement from my voice.

�So I slept in Nate�s bed.� Nothing happened that night, though.�

�Why not?�� I was almost disappointed at the ending.�

�His roommate was in the other bed!�

I laughed.� �That never stopped us,� I said with a grin.

Megan giggled.� �That was naughty,� she agreed.

�Anyway, go on.�

�The next morning I got up early and showered � alone, and back in my dorm, pervert,� she said, raising her eyebrows at me as she saw me get a look when she said �showered.�

�That�s too bad, why didn�t you shower in the guys� dorm?�

�I totally would have been caught!�

�Why?�

�They were open showers, I think.�

She eyed me.

�Yeah, I know, �never stopped us,�� she said in a husky voice.

I just shrugged and smiled innocently.

�So when did you actually have sex?� I prodded.

�In my dorm room.� I didn�t have a roommate at that point in the summer, she had left already.�

�So that made it easy, you could just go crazy in there,� I said.

�Yeah,� she said.� I had expected her to object to the word �crazy,� but she didn�t.

�So give me some more,� I pressed.� I was hoping she wouldn�t get cold feet and close up what was an amazingly honest conversation about her reality, and my fantasy.

�I don�t know, we did it a few times.� Three, I think.� Or maybe four.�

�Did he just get on top, or what?�

�I guess.� I don�t remember exactly.�� I had the feeling Megan was being a little shy, perhaps afraid of somehow hurting me.� I wrapped an arm around her.

�I told you, it doesn�t bother me.� Tell me about the first time with him.�

�Well, we were in my bed, kissing.� Then he � �

�Were you nude?� I interrupted, needing the detail for my mental picture.

�I don�t� uh, yeah, I guess we were.�

I wanted to hear how they undressed each other, what she had been wearing, but decided to skip that for now.

�So we were kissing, and then he asked if I wanted to do it.�

Megan suddenly laughed.�

�What?� I said.

�It was kind of bad,� she said confidentially, though Nate was certainly not going to hear her now.

�The sex?�

�No.� After all the kissing, he had gone soft, and he had some trouble getting it up again.�

�And?�

�Well, he worked on himself for a while.�

I laughed a little at the image.

�I felt bad, he was really going at it, trying really hard,� she said.

We both giggled.

�But finally he did get hard again, and then he got on me.�

�Was he always on top?� I asked.

�Um, I think I got on top once, just to see what it was like.�

�Mmm.�

�My first times were such, not to be silly, such flops.�

�Flops, heh,� I laughed.

�No wonder I have trouble sometimes with sex.� My first times were all messed up.�

�Well, it was the same with me.� Our first try wasn�t exactly a success either, but here we are.�

�Our first real time was great,� she corrected.

�Yeah.� But that one night in my room, but I didn�t exactly perform all that well either.�

�I thought we didn�t try that night.�

I thought back to the week I had met her.� I had one rubber at my command, and we tried using it one night.

�We didn�t in the end,� I concurred, �but we were going to.� After I licked you, then��

�Wait, you licked me that night?� I didn�t think I let you do that so soon.�

�Yeah, remember, I undid your buttons, and then I went down there?� Remember, �May I?��

She smiled at the memory.� �Yeah, but I thought you only kissed my tummy.�

�No, I got down further, but only for a little bit.� I had no idea what I was doing back then.� Obviously, since it�s so burned into your memory,� I said sarcastically.

�Well, you�ve definitely learned something since,� she said suggestively.

�Oh, why do you say that?�

�That was some fancy tongue work last night.�

�Mmm.� Thanks.� Anyway, after that you gave me a blowjob.� And I was so tired from four hours of kissing and making out and rubbing and being rock hard, that the blowjob just finished me.�

�Oh, right, now I remember.� That night is kind of hazy.� That whole week is just a blur of hot kissing, sweat, and body rubbing.�

�And looking into each other�s eyes for hours,� I added.

Megan purred.� �I miss that.�

�Me too.�

Megan drew a hand across my boxers, and left me tingling.

�That was the first time anyone licked me,� she confided.� �I�d never done that with anyone.� I�m surprised I let you, I was pretty sensitive about doing something like that.�

�You still are, sometimes.�

�I�m sorry, I can�t help it.� It�s that first touch that just kills me.� Once you get in there, I settle down, but before you actually are doing it, I just am hyper-sensitive.�

�I know.� I�ve been caught in the grip of death by your thighs when my approach was too delicate.�

�Sorry.�

�I don�t mind.� There are worse places to be than crushed between your dancer�s legs.� Which by the way are looking fantastic.�

Megan laughed.� We sighed, and smiled at each other.�

�So what other naughty things have you done?� I asked.� I was starting to feel that we were getting to the end of salacious details, having expired both her past lovers now.

Megan watched me for a moment, and then leaned in.�

�You want to hear how dumb I was back then?�

�Dumb?�

�Yeah.� Oh, I don�t know, I don�t want to tell you, you�re just going to tease me about it.�

�No, I won�t.� Well, depending on what it is.�

Megan just shook her head.

�Come on, I really like you telling me these things,� I said.

Megan opened her mouth to speak, and then hesitated again.

�I swear, I won�t make fun of you,� I added, sweetening the deal.

�Okay.� The first time, when I did it with Ben, I was really scared of getting pregnant.� So I� I made him put two condoms on, just in case.�� She covered her face as she spoke, peeking out at my reaction.

A smile cracked my face.� I shouldn�t have sworn not to tease her, I thought with a grin.� I might have to break that promise, since this was just too good, too innocent to leave untouched by gentle teasing.

�No wonder he broke up with me,� she lamented.

�Megan, that�s pretty funny!�� I had to let out the snigger that was building up in me.� Luckily Megan was good-natured about it, and we both had a good laugh.

We lay for a moment, looking in each other�s eyes like we did those first days together.� I was getting tired, and was about to suggest turning out the lights, when I noticed Megan�s eyes dancing again.

�So you weren�t my first blowjob,� she said suddenly.� I could sense that the pendulum had swung to her side, and she was the one taking pleasure in opening up to me.� I immediately felt a twitch as she smiled provocatively at me.� Who was it, I wondered. �Ben?� Unlikely, since she didn�t want to even have sex with him.� Probably Nate.

�I had a another fling with someone,� she said.

For a brief moment I was once again taken back nine years to that tense moment when I first found out about her second lover.� A pang of anxiety split though me.� There was a third lover, then, before me.�

But then the anxiety went away, replaced by my earlier excitement.� More salacious details, I thought to myself.� How things had changed, I thought with a smile.� The coil pulled us together.

�Do you remember me mentioning Dan Parker?� she asked.

I thought for a moment.� The name was definitely familiar.� Then it came to me.

Every few years I�d come across this cassette labeled �Dan Parker � Songs� and I�d always show it to Megan.� Do you still want it, I�d ask.� She�d consider for a moment, and then ask me to keep it.� It was a friend from NCSA, she�d say, it was his music.� I�d throw it back in the storage box, wondering why she�d never listen to it, if it was worth keeping for eight, ten, twelve years now.� I wasn�t sure if we even had a tape player anymore.

�Oh, yeah, that�s the guy who�s cassette you have.� It turns up every now and then when I clean out the storage room.�

��Do we even have that tape anymore?� Megan asked.

I smiled to myself.� So now I knew why she had kept it.

�Yeah, it�s somewhere.� Should I go get it?�

She slapped me on the arm playfully.

�No, that�s alright.�

�So go on then,� I urged.

�You�re not mad are you?�

�Mad?� About what?�

�That I never told you about Dan?�

�No, like I said, this is turning me on.� And you still haven�t �told me about Dan,� so continue.�

�Well, like I said, at NCSA I used to sneak out at night and party.�

�Heh, so that�s what you meant by that!�

�No, not really,� she said shyly, �but I did hang out with Dan a lot.�

Megan looked me in the eye.� �He taught me how to give a blowjob,� she said.

I almost groaned in pleasure as I pictured this new encounter.� How specific, how deliberate, how innocently sexy.

�Do you like it when I massage your balls and kiss them?� she asked.

�Well yeah, what do you think?�

�Well, you have him to thank for that � well I mean, sort of, not � �

�I�ll thank him if I ever see him,� I said, interrupting her attempts at softening the obviously strange comment.

�I�ve made my blowjobs my own, a lot of the stuff I do is my invention. �The �hurricane,� all that is mine.� But Dan taught me the basics.�

�This is incredible.� Go on.�

I was about ready to climb on top of her.� The tiredness had vanished.

�Well, I snuck out one night, and went over to his room, and we were drinking and stuff, and I ended up getting in bed with him.� He asked if I wanted to sleep over.� So I did.� Sometime that night he woke up and started kissing me.� Then he asked if� Oh wait, no, that wasn�t it.� Nothing happened that night.� It was the next day.� We were in his room and he asked if I wanted to give him a blowjob.�

The balls!� There was so much I didn�t know, I was ready to explode.� A million questions eddied in my mind, waiting to be let out and asked.� I didn�t want to break Megan�s spell, so I waited.

�So I said that I didn�t know how.� He said �That�s alright, I�ll talk you through it.�� So he did.�

�And?�

�He showed me what felt good.� Oh, and then he came, and � �

�In your mouth?� I interrupted.� I knew she didn�t like that, but it was inevitable, from her description.

�Yeah, I wasn�t expecting it.� I didn�t know, all of the sudden I was like, oh my god, do I have to swallow this?�� She grimaced at the memory.

�And you swallowed!?� I said, bursting at the image.� My innocent Megan, 16 and surprised by Dan Parker�s semen.� And swallowing it!� I had only once ever come in her mouth, that first night where we were going to have sex.� I think I had surprised her then too.�

�Yeah, I had to swallow.� I can still feel the texture in my throat as it went down, I don�t think it�s ever left.�� She shuddered, and looked at me apologetically.� �I�m sorry, you know I just can�t do that, it really makes me feel weird.�

I looked at her with a grin.� Megan had told me early on that she wasn�t into having me come in her mouth, and I never really felt the need to have her do that for me, so I didn�t care.� But to hear her tell this story was a revelation.

�The next time I did it to him,� she continued, �I pretended to miss, and I only got a little bit in my mouth,� she said, holding up two fingers close together.

�And the rest of it?�

�It shot out everywhere, but at least I didn�t have to swallow it!�

�Did it get on you?�� My voice was on the verge of trembling.

�Yeah, on my cheek first, and then on my boobs and legs.� It took a while to clean up!�

And she was nude at the time, no less, I thought.� A million questions.

�Why didn�t you have sex with him?�� I found myself almost wishing she would tell me that she had.

�Well, I didn�t want to, and there was the age thing too.� He kept saying �I can�t believe you�re only sixteen,� and I think he thought it would have been risky.� He was nineteen at the time, see.� So we never did.� I did want to learn how to give a blowjob, though, so that�s why I did that.�

She wanted to learn how to give a blowjob!� I looked at her in amazement.� Twelve years of going out.� Eight of them married.� After twelve years, it�s easy to fall into complacency.� You�re so sure you know everything exciting about your partner by now. �All her buttons, and how to make her press yours. �You take her out to Le Pannetiere, or watch a sexy movie, and that�s enough spark to ignite some passion.�

But real passion?

It comes from discovering things inside her that I never knew were there.� Peeling back another layer of her secrets, peering inside, and finding something completely unexpected.�

This night would never have happened five, ten years ago.�

I was falling in love with Megan all over again, and completely.

��There was another time I almost gave a guy a blowjob,� she said excitedly.

She was definitely in control now, I thought.

�It was right after I got to EBT.�

�The same summer Ben dumped you and you hooked up with Nate?� I asked.

�Yeah.�

Busy summer, I thought.

�You have to understand,� she said, �that when I got to EBT, I was getting over that eye injury, so I had to lay in bed a lot.� And this guy was the only one who hung out with me at first.� He�d hang out in my room, because I couldn�t go out.�

�I wonder why he�d want to hang out with a girl who had to stay in bed alone in her room,� I said sarcastically.

�Yeah, I know, right?� So anyway, he was a terrible kisser,� she said vehemently.

�Nasty,� I said.

�It was like kissing a dead fish, you know, slimy, gross.�

�Actually, I�ve never kissed a fish.�

�Me neither.� Except for this guy.� One time we were kissing, and he kept pushing me down towards his lap.� I was like, if his mouth is so gross, do I really want to kiss his dick?�

We laughed at the image.� I could just see her resisting the pushing, as the smarmy guy kept trying.

I couldn�t hold back anymore, so I rolled on top of her, and kissed her gently.�

�Mmm, he didn�t kiss anything like that,� she purred, �or I would have given in to him.�

I smiled at her, taking in her green eyes.

�Your eyes have this look like when we met,� she said.

�How so?�

�They have this wild look in them.� You get that way sometimes, and it�s the look I fell in love with.�

A noise broke us out of our reverie.� Some small coughs echoed from the other room, and then all was still again.

�And now we have a beautiful one year old daughter,� I said, smiling warmly at the sound.

�Yeah, amazing isn�t it?�

�Unbelievable.�

Her hands snaked up my back, drawing me against her body tighter than possible.� I felt her body alive beneath me.

I knew she had completely let go, that she was completely in the moment.� As I kissed her lips gently, I knew this was a night I�d remember forever.

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