Looking Through The Lens

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Chapter 14: What Is and What Should Never Be

Back Home

For not being a morning person, I was sure getting up early a lot.� The sun was barely cracking the horizon as I walked past the gazebo, remembering the events of the night before.

She was already there, when I arrived at the end of the pier.

�I�m sorry about last night, over at the gazebo,� I said, after we exchanged subdued greetings.

She just shrugged a little.

�I probably shouldn�t have brought that up,� I continued.� �I didn�t consider how you might feel about it.�

�Well, you told the truth,� she said.

�Yeah, well, I feel bad.� I said it because� because I maybe was wanting a little revenge.�

She laughed gently.� �I know.�

�I hope you�re not mad at me,� I said.

She was looking at me, but I avoided her glance.

�No, Matt, everything�s fine.� No harm.�

We were quiet for a while.� Then she spoke again.

�So, is it over?� she asked softly.

I sighed heavily.� �Yeah, it�s over.�

There was no response from her as I watched the waves lapping the pilings of the pier.�

I looked at her, and found surprising comfort and sympathy in those lively blue eyes.

The night before had been somewhat of a mess.

In that moment of truth, that instant where the fork in the road had opened before me, it became clear which path was wrong.� Everything Lara had told me made sense.� The mistakes I had already made that summer became obvious.

I felt sad looking into those big brown eyes, as they pleaded with me silently.� But I wasn�t trapped by them anymore, or by the promise of long days looking at them full of desire.

My only hope was that we could remain friends.

�Why are you asking about John now?� Julie had asked.

After what seemed like an eternity of looking at each other, Julie turned away.�

�Someone�s coming,� she suddenly said.� She wiped at the streaks on her face.

I turned as two figures approached in the fading light.� I recognized one of them, just as she spoke.� My stomach knotted up.

�Hi, Julie,� Heather said, as they stopped just shy of the steps entering the gazebo.� The guy with her had his arm around her waist.

�Oh hi, Heather, Bill.�� Her voice was still a little tremulous.�

There was a brief silence, and then Julie spoke again.

�Um, sorry.� This is Matt, my boyfriend.�

I nodded to them, as my gut tightened further at hearing the word �boyfriend.��

It�s funny how one word can just set you off.� Up to that point I felt no anger towards Julie.� But suddenly, when I looked at her, I saw the things she had done to me, and the things she had kept from me.� Lara was so right.� I had never gotten my anger out.� Now it had crawled unwanted out of its hiding place.

�I know Heather,� I said to Julie, watching her.

Julie turned to me in surprise.� �Oh, I didn�t know that.�

�Yeah, we fish together sometimes, in the mornings.�

Julie�s face went into a frown.� I glanced at Heather, suddenly remembering that her boyfriend was right there.� Surprisingly, I saw a slight smile cross her face for a second.

I don�t know if Heather or Bill could sense it, but there was a definite tension between me and Julie.� Either way, they excused themselves and walked down to the end of the pier.

�Why didn�t you ever tell me you knew her?� Julie asked.�

�It didn�t come up,� I said dismissively.

�When did you fish with her?�� The suspicion was clear in her voice.

I shrugged.� �Last year for a while, and a couple of times this year.� She likes to fish on the pier here, where I come in the mornings.�

Julie shook her head and looked at me.� �You know, for all your talk of me not telling you about Lara and John, it sounds like you�re just the same,� she said quietly.

I wondered if she was really upset about Heather, or if she was just using this as a ploy to excuse herself from not having told me about her encounters.�

It didn�t matter though.� I knew what I needed to do, and arguing the differences between my secrets and hers was not in my best interest.

�Julie, sit.�

She just watched me silently in the dusk.

I shrugged.� �All right, don�t.��

I took a deep breath, wondering exactly how to begin.� What I had rehearsed all day for my talk with her was an optimistic, yet cautious healing of our relationship.� But that was not what I was going to say now.� Now, I had to wing it.

�I think we should stop being together as a couple,� I said.� I cringed a little, as it sounded pretty harsh.�

But so what, I thought suddenly?� She needs to feel some pain, too.

�What?� W-why?� Julie sputtered loudly.

�Shh, come on.� They�re just down there,� I said, gesturing towards the end of the pier.

�I don�t care.� Is this because of John, or Lara?�

�No, Julie, it�s because of me.� I don�t think I can handle doing the long dist ��

�It�s different now, Matt.� I was stupid last year.� I wouldn�t do that to you again!� she said, her tone desperate.

�But what about Florida?� I might never see you again.�

�Matt, I don�t know.� That probably won�t even work out.� My dad is probably going to disappear, again.�

I sighed.� She seemed pretty certain just a little while ago that they were going south.� Now she seemed to be bailing out on everything that was in my favor.

�Julie, I ��

�I can�t believe that you�re dumping me.� �

Suddenly Julie whirled on me.� �Is it Heather?�

�No, she has a boyfriend!� You know that,� I said dismissively.� �We just fish together sometimes.� Can you keep your voice down, please?�

She ignored me.� �Then why?� Are you mad I didn�t let you have sex with me yesterday?�

I winced and looked down the pier, wondering how much of this conversation Heather and Bill were hearing.� It was getting dark, but I could still make them out leaning on the rail.

�It�s not about the sex.� It�s that ��

�Because I thought I was making you happy.� I thought that things were getting better, and all this time you were leading me on!�

I shook my head.� Julie was out of control, freaking out.� I was taken aback, seeing this side of her.� The desperation and anxiety in her demeanor were scary.

��I told you, I�m sorry about what happened,� she continued.� �I was just confused.� I didn�t tell you about Lara or John because I was afraid of losing you.�

�Julie ��

�And Brian was just� was just a bad decision.� I�ve learned from that!� I thought you understood!�

I was tired of being cut off, and not really wanting to have Heather hear every word Julie was saying.

�I�m going to go home now,� I said calmly, standing and walking off down the pier.

�No, Matt, wait.� I�m sorry.� I�m sorry.� Just talk to me!� Tell me what�s wrong.� We can fix it, whatever it is.�

�You�re not letting me ��

�I felt so close to you yesterday, at your house.� Didn�t you feel it?� It was like old times.�

I stopped walking, and turned to her.� Her face was half lit from the shore lights, shining brightly where tears had left their trails.

�Julie, it�s over.� Go home.� We can talk when you are more in control, but right now, you are freaking out.� I can�t talk to you this way.�

My tone must have been heavy enough to penetrate her thoughts because she didn�t say anything further as I walked off down the pier.� I didn�t look back.

About halfway home, I sat on the sand.

I cried for a long time.�

�How are you taking it?� Heather asked.

�I�m all right.� I feel like a huge weight is lifted off of me.�

�Mmm.� Julie seemed pretty distraught.�

�Yeah, she didn�t take it so well.�

�We...�� Heather hesitated.

�What?�

�We kind of heard her yelling.�

My heart sank.� I tried to remember exactly what Julie had said.� What part of Julie�s half of the conversation had she heard?

�We hung back when we saw you leaving,� she added.� �Julie stayed in the gazebo for a while, before she went home.�

I was at least relieved to hear she didn�t do anything crazy.

�We followed her home, just in case,� she added.

I looked at Heather in surprise.� �Really?�

�Yeah, Bill was a little worried about her.� He thought we should just make sure she got home all right.�

�Well, that was nice of him,� I said.

�Heh, well, he has a soft spot for Julie.� They used to go out, you know.�

I shook my head in wonder.� Julie sure got around.

�Great.� So he probably hates me.� First he finds out you and I fish together, and then he sees me dump his ex-girlfriend and walk away.�

�Nah, Bill�s cool. �He already knew we fished.� He also knew about Julie and you, and the Brian thing.� Heather laughed lightly.�� �And, his breakup with her didn�t go much better, to be honest.�

It was a small town, I thought to myself.� I wasn�t sure if Heather�s words made me feel any better, but at least I knew some more to the story.

�So he knows we fish?� He doesn�t care?� I grimaced.

�No, he hates fishing.� If I have someone to fish with, then he�s happy because he can sleep in and not have to �touch the slimy fish,� as he says.�

The realization that Heather really had a boyfriend was growing.� Spoken for indeed, and she with a decent sounding guy no less.� Hopes of stealing her away from him were fading quickly.

Then I reminded myself that I hadn�t dismissed Julie because of Heather.� I knew that for the moment Heather was out of reach.� And Bill had given her his blessing to fish with me, which was more than most guys would have done.�

I needed to start there.� �Well, I�m going to fish.� I�m four in the hole.�

�Five,� she corrected, although her tone was gentle.� I laughed at my attempt to steal a point back, but she still was watching me seriously.

�I�m fine, really,� I said, nodding.

Heather nodded back, and went about getting her line tied.

�I was thinking,� she said, �that maybe your fish should count double.�� The playfulness was back in her voice.

�Why?�

�Because otherwise it�s no challenge.�

I looked over and rolled my eyes at her.

�I mean, you have negative fish right now,� she said.� �You owe the ocean a fish!�

I laughed.� �Hey, it was just day one of the competition.� I suffered a horrible penalty at the hands of the, um, impartial judges,� I said dramatically.

�Hey, no one said life was fair.� Tell you what, just because I�m so sweet, I�ll give you a pity point because of Julie.�

�Pity point?� I don�t need it.� I�m going to beat you fair and square,� I said confidently.

And with that, a fish grabbed onto my line.� I felt a surge of excitement as I pulled it up, but kept that feeling off my face.

�Four-nothing,� I said, as evenly as I could.

�Six-six!� I whooped, as I finally tied the score.� �Still want to count mine double?� I asked.

Heather scrunched her face up, but said nothing.� She couldn�t quite hide the smile, though.� I was on my best behavior, avoiding anything that she could call a penalty, and it had paid off.

I peered in her bucket dramatically.� �What time do you have to go to work?� I asked pointedly.

�I�m not working today.� Day off.�

�Oh! That�s nice.�

�Yeah.� It is getting hot though,� she said.� �I have to admit, I�m surprised you�re back in it.�

I looked at her with a grin.� �You want to come have breakfast at my house?� I asked suddenly, before thinking.

Heather�s eyes narrowed as she considered my words.

�I mean, you don�t have much in there,� I said quickly, gesturing to her bucket with my foot.� �I can share some of my fish.� My school of fish,� I added.

Heather laughed.� �You are funny, Matt.�

�Well?�

She considered a moment longer.� �Okay.�

I almost jumped in the air, but I managed to keep it to just a slight nod.�

�Cool.� We should go and get the grill started, then.�

I pulled my line in, and started unhooking the leader when Heather spoke quietly.

�Hey, Matt, look.�

I turned, and she pointed down to the water.� I didn�t see anything, but then she pulled up on her line slowly.� I laughed as the catch broke the surface.� Not one, but two fish were on her line.�

�Hmm, I wonder how much that�s worth,� she said speculatively.

I groaned.� The ref was back.

�Three,� I said quickly, trying to stave off any thoughts of a higher number.

�Three?� All right, thanks!�

So much for putting up resistance, I thought.� I had just given her a free point.� Then again, it wasn�t every day your treble hook caught two fish.

�Nine-six,� I said, the euphoria of having tied her lessening somewhat.

�Hey, at least you�re in the black,� she said.� �How far away do you live?�

�Not far,� I said.

�All right, I�ll bring my gear with me instead of dropping it off at home.�

I suddenly got really nervous.� Heather was coming to eat at my house!� With my family, whom she didn�t know much about, I suddenly realized.� I had to at least fill her in.� I had no idea what everyone else was going to think.� Hopefully, they wouldn�t ask anything about Julie.

�Is this okay, coming to eat with me?� I said, leaving the obvious question unspoken.

�Yeah, why wouldn�t it be?�

�Just checking.�

She gave me a warm smile as she picked up her tackle.� �Lead the way.�

�There�s something I should tell you,� I said, as we set off down the pier.

�Go for it.�

�My family is a bit... different.�

�So is everyone�s,� she said, unperturbed.

�Yeah, I know, but my parents are� they have��

�I met your mom, remember?� she interrupted.� �She seemed really nice.�

�Yeah, well� That wasn�t really my mom.�

Heather looked at me with a frown.� �What?�

�That�s my sister�s mom, Melissa.� My mom is Sarah.� You�ll meet her now, too.�

I glanced at Heather, and could tell that she was figuring it out.

�So are you and your sister related?�

�Yeah, we have the same father.�

�What�s his name?�

�Chris.� But he actually, uh, he died when we were young.�

�Oh, I�m sorry.� That�s really terrible!�

I had heard people say those words to me many times, but rarely was it with real feeling, as Heather had just used.� I was once again surprised by my friend.

�So� I vaguely remember you saying something once about you and � what�s your sister�s name?

�Lara.�

�Something about you and Lara being the same age.�

�Yeah, we�re six days apart.�

�Who�s older?� she asked.

�She is.�

I could tell she was still trying to fill in the gaps.

�You�re wondering how my moms ended up together?� I said.

Heather laughed, her eyes twinkling.�

�I guess.� Did they know about each other when you were born?� she asked delicately.

�Yeah.� Our parents all lived together for a long time before they had Lara and me.� They�d still be together, if he hadn�t died.�

�Wow...� That is different.� But cool!� Is it weird to live with two mothers?�

�Is it weird to live with a mother and father?� I asked her.

Heather laughed a little.� �All right, true, it�s what you know.� Do they treat you as their own?� Sorry, this is getting too personal,� she suddenly said.�

I didn�t mind telling her at all.

�No, it�s fine.� They raised us as if we were both their own.� I didn�t know which was my real mother, until I was old enough to know what that meant.� In fact, I think I�m closer with Lara�s mom now, and vice-versa.�

�I�m sure there were awkward moments when you were younger.��

�Yeah, and there still are.� Not everyone thinks my parents do the right thing.�

�Mmm.� So whose house are we going to?�

�My aunt and uncle�s.� We come here in the summer, and they come up in the winter � hey, did you go skiing at Windham last January?� I asked excitedly.�

I had suddenly remembered the incident on the chairlift.

�January?� Was I skiing at Windham then...� she echoed, thinking for a moment.� �Uh, yeah.� I think I was there in January, why?�

�I saw you!�

�You saw me?�� Heather stopped walking and stared at me.� �Where?� Why didn�t you come and say hi?�

�I was on the chairlift.� You skied under me.� Were you wearing a blue�no, a green jacket and blue pants?�

�Yeah, that�s what I ski in!� she exclaimed, smiling broadly.

�I tried to find you after that, but it was impossible.�

�Yeah, that place is a zoo�� Wow!� But that sucks!� I was keeping an eye out for you, too.�

�Really?�

�Yeah, you said you skied there, so��� She shrugged.

�How often do you go up?� I asked, envisioning her coming to visit me�� Then I reminded myself that she was taken.�

�A few times a year.� Usually we go up during winter break for a week, and then a few other times, too.� My dad is a skiing freak.�

�Really?�

�Oh yeah, he always says he wants to move up to the mountains whenever we�re there.�

I felt a twinge of excitement.� �Why doesn�t he?�

�His work is here,� Heather said simply.

�Is your dad called Angus?�

�Yeah, how did you know?�

�I went to the store last week to ask about you, and they mentioned his name.�

Heather smiled at me.

�So where do you stay?� I asked, as we started walking the beach again.

�Stay?�

�When you ski.�

�Oh, we rent a house somewhere.� Different places.�

�If you ever need a place to stay, your family is welcome at my house.� We have a guest cabin.��

As I said those words, I felt my nerves leap, again.� Was I being too forward?�

�Thanks, Matt, that�s really sweet.�

�Do you have brothers or sisters?�

�No, it�s just me.�

�There are two rooms in the cabin, plus a bathroom and the kitchen� it�s nice.� We�re only about fifteen minutes from the slopes.�

�You are so lucky.�

�Why?�

�I�d kill to live in the woods.� I like the ocean well enough, but there�s nothing like being in the woods.� A stream running through the trees...� Do you fly fish?�

�Yeah, definitely.�

�Mmm.� I�ve always wanted to learn.�

�Well, if you ever come up in the spring or fall, I can show you.� I�m not that great at it, but it�s really relaxing.�

�I bet.� It must be way cooler than catching this little stuff on the pier.�

�That�s pretty fun, too,� I said.�

I didn�t say �when you�re around.�

Heather laughed a little, and I wondered if she had read my thoughts anyway.

�There�s the house,� I said, pointing.�

We angled up the beach.� I could hear animated voices on the porch, and laughing.� Man, those three women could talk forever, I thought to myself.� Maybe they wouldn�t even notice Heather and me entering the house.

I walked up the steps and Heather followed.� I was a little apprehensive as I went in and waved Heather through into the porch.

�Hey.� This is my friend Heather,� I announced, �These are my parents, Melissa and Sarah, and my Aunt Beth.�

General greetings went around.�

�You work at Martin�s,� Melissa said immediately.�

I was a little surprised that she had remembered her.

�Yeah, I remember you and Matt coming in last year,� Heather answered.

I decided that was enough face time with my parents and aunt.� �Where�s Lara?� I asked.

�Sleeping.�

�We�re going to grill up these fish for breakfast.� Anyone want some?�

They had just eaten, so they declined.

�Probably better that way. Matt didn�t have much luck today,� Heather said, straight-faced.�

I looked at her with a grimace and shook my head.� �Come on, let�s go clean these.�

Once we were in the kitchen, Heather set about cleaning the fish at the sink.�

�Want something to drink?� I asked her.

�What do you have?�

�Uh, I don�t know, actually.�

�Well, why did you ask then?� Heather teased, her eyes twinkling.

I shrugged and smiled, and then opened the fridge.

�Let�s see�� Looks like lemonade, iced tea, water...� beer.� And some weird herb tea that my aunt makes.� I don�t recommend it though: it�s pretty nasty.�

�Nasty?� came the call from the other room.

I put a finger in my mouth and made a face.�

Heather laughed.� �I�ll have some lemonade, then.�

I served up two glasses just as Lara came out into the kitchen, yawning and wiping the sleep from her eyes.� Her hair was askance and her eyes were still half-shut.

�Hey guys,� she said groggily.� She didn�t register Heather for a moment, perhaps expecting Julie.� Then she realized.�

�Oh, hi!� You must be Heather.�

�Covered in fish guts, but yeah, that�s me!� And you�re Lara?�

�Yeah.� We meet at last.�

I winced as Lara looked at me pointedly.

�We�re having some fish.� Want some?� I asked, ignoring her hundred silent questions.

�Sure.� Once I wake up,� she said.� �I just rolled out of bed, and probably look like shit.�

Heather just smiled.

�I�ll be out in a minute.� Let me get some clothes on.�� Lara yawned again and went off into her room.

�Whose camera?� Heather asked, pointing the bloody knife at the camera I�d left out on the counter.

�Oh, that was my dad�s.� I�m messing around with it.�

�That�s cool.� Do you do much photography?�

�Not really.� I just started this summer.� Taking some random pictures, trying to figure out how the thing even works, you know.�

�Yeah. Manual cameras are fun.�

�Do you know how to use one?�

�Yeah, in art class at school I did a photography project.� The camera was an old Canon manual, pretty much the same as that Nikon, looks like.� I learned a lot.� You really appreciate old pictures more, after you learn to use these things.� You have to work hard to get a good picture on them.�

�I haven�t even developed a roll yet, so I don�t even know if anything came out.�

�What film are you using?�

�Film?� I don�t know, just the regular Kodak from the drugstore.�

�I can show you some stuff later if you want.� I mean, you might know more than me by now, but...�

Heather finished washing the knife she had used, and I handed her a hand towel.

�I doubt I know more than you.� I�d appreciate any tips you have.� Hey, let�s get these on the fire,� I said, indicating the clean fish.

We went through the porch.� The women looked at us, but nothing was said.� I could see a grin hiding on the edges of Melissa�s mouth.� I got the grill started, and then we sat in some lawn chairs, waiting for the flames to burn down.� Lara came out pretty soon afterwards.

After a few minutes, I had to smile.� Somehow Heather�s breakfast with me had turned into Heather�s breakfast with Lara.� They hit it off instantly, and started talking about whatever it is that girls talk about.� They moved so easily from this topic to that, like they had the entire world in common.� It was talent, or instinct, and I wished I knew how to do that.� Even though the conversation was non-stop, I still can�t remember what was really said.

When they started referring to me like I wasn�t there, I cleared my throat.

They stopped and looked at me.

�I�m actually still sitting here,� I said petulantly.

�Oh, we know.�

And with that Heather went on to describe how she was beating me in our fishing competition.� I just sighed and turned the fish over on the grill.

A movement caught my eye, up on the road.� I turned and saw Julie walking towards the front of the house.�

She looked down the grassy stretch where we were sitting, and saw the three of us.� Lara and Heather were facing the beach, so they didn�t see Julie, but she definitely saw them, because she froze for a moment, looked at me, and then turned and went back to the road.

As I tried to control my pounding heart, I considered whether to go after her.�

But why had she come?� To tell me off?� No, then she would have done so; Heather�s presence would have given her even more firepower.

She must have come to try and make up with me.�

I knew I couldn�t go there.� Not now, not after seeing the desperation in her eyes the night before.

Lara had been right: being Julie�s friend was hard.� Being her boyfriend was even harder.� And leaving her was hardest of all.

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