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Ryan Sylander Looking Through The Lens http://www.asstr.org/~ryansylander/ Chapter 13: The Song Remains the Same
�Matt, you�re freaking me out! What the hell is going on?� Lara asked, clawing at my arm. �There are two girls called Heather that work there,� I said with a haunted voice. Lara took a deep breath.� �Okay.� But it still could have been her.� It looked like her, okay?� Just relax.� Tomorrow morning you can go check it out for yourself.� I�m sure it�s fine.� People just don�t jump off of piers because someone didn�t call them!� I digested her words.� Lara was probably right.� Once again I had let my overactive imagination take hold of my senses. �Lie down,� she said gently. I leaned back onto Lara�s pillow, and she lay down beside me.� �I�m just a little wigged out from this morning, that�s all,� I said.� �She was really different than I remembered her.� It took me by surprise.� �Well, like I said earlier� from her perspective, she has a different view of things.� �Yeah, I know.�� I need to talk to her. Tomorrow I�ll work this out, once and for all.� �Look, don�t blow this thing out of proportion.� Just relax.� Things will work out.� �I know, I know.� Lara stroked my arm.� Her touch was calming, and as my mind returned to reality from the nightmare, I started feeling foolish for waking her up.� Not everything in my life has to be like the end of the world, I thought.� Fucking drama king.
I woke up, confused, before realizing I was in Lara�s bed and not mine.� She was sound asleep next to me.� I sat up quickly, surprised that I had fallen asleep with her.� Lara stirred, and then was still again.� I cringed at the memory of my midnight madness.� It seemed all the more retarded in the dim morning light.� Of course Heather was fine! My watch said damned early, so I hoped no one had looked in on us.� That would have been an awkward thing to explain. I carefully unwrapped myself from the sheet, and slipped out into the hallway.� No one in the house was up yet, to my relief.� I went to my room, and pulled on a bathing suit and shirt.� I considered lying down again, but I was awake for the day. I decided to go fish, and maybe I�d get another chance to talk to Heather.
When I got to the pier, it was empty.� But it was also very early.� I didn�t know if Heather would come back after our last conversation.� If she was mad at me, I might have to go find her at her store.� After catching a few fish, I sat on the deck and looked out at the water.� The wind from the previous day had calmed.� The sea was glowing from the pink ribbon of sunrise hanging on the horizon. I pondered my situation.� I had to talk to Julie soon.� At the very least, we had to talk about Lara, and the future.� I was wary of trying the long-distance thing with her again.� Lara�s and James�s arrangement seemed much more suitable.� I didn�t know what Julie would think of that.� She wasn�t really in a position to complain, though, since she had messed things up the first time. A part of me started feeling that letting her give me those blowjobs the day before wasn�t the best thing to do.� It was just going to make talking about these things more difficult.� Particularly, if our talk didn�t go well, then the sex would be an added burden, especially since I�d received the lion�s share of the pleasure. A noise broke through my thoughts.� I sat up and turned, and let out a sigh of relief.� I realized my shoulders were twisted into knots.� Heather was approaching.� She looked at me for a moment, before setting her things down by the rail a couple of yards away. I felt nervous at seeing her.� At least she had come back, I thought.� That had to count for something. �Morning,� I said.� �Hi,� she replied.� �Catch anything?�� There was some life in her voice, I noticed with relief. �Yeah, just a few.� �You�re here early.� Trying to sneak in a few in before I showed up?� she asked. I smiled at her.� She was sounding more like the Heather I remembered from last year. �No, I wasn�t even sure if you were going to show up this morning.� She looked at me seriously.� �Matt, I�m sorry about yesterday.� I was in a really bad mood.� It was a crappy day.� �I didn�t know you had those.� �It happens.� �I�m sorry I was teasing you, yesterday�� I said gravely, �about not finding the note.� Heather didn�t say anything.� Instead, she went about getting her gear ready. �I should have told you, yesterday, but I didn�t get the chance,� I continued.� �I didn�t actually find your note right away.� I only found it a few months ago, when I was on a fishing trip.� I was looking for my new license, well, sort of�� And I found the one you had written on the back of.� Obviously you weren�t at your relatives� house anymore.� Heather looked up at me as I spoke. �So, I�m sorry I didn�t call you,� I said earnestly.� �I hope you didn�t think that I didn�t want to, because I would have, if� if� you know...� Heather smiled a little.� �Nah, it�s all my fault for playing stupid games with you,� she said. �I probably should have seen your number though.� But I was feeling bad that you were leaving that day, and looking at my license wasn�t really on my mind.� Heather nodded.� �Well, it�s in the past, now,� she said.� She cast her line out and looked down into the water. I gazed at her, a warm feeling flowing through me.� �I just want to say that finding that note made my day,� I said.� �My whole year, even.� Heather turned and looked at me with a frown.� �Why?� �I was going through a tough time. When I found it, it really caught me by surprise.� �Was that when you and Julie were splitting up?� I eyed her for a moment.� The feelings of regret at having hooked up with Julie again welled up a little stronger.� �Yeah, that and some other stuff.� I guess you know all about me and Julie,� I said. �It�s a small town,� Heather said simply. �Heh! I know what that�s like.� Heather pulled in a little fish.� �You should get to it, Matt.� I�m up one-zip,� she said nonchalantly. �One-zip?� What about the four I have in my bucket?� �Cheating,� she said, casting in again. �Cheating?� How�s that?� I said, raising an eyebrow.� Her calm tone was deceptive.� She was definitely back at her games. �I wasn�t even here yet,� she said. �Well, I caught four yesterday when you were here.� �First of all, it was three.� I laughed.� Through all the misery, she had still been keeping track! �Second of all,� she added, �everything that happened yesterday� never happened.� If only it was that easy, I thought to myself. I laughed gently.� �All right, fine,� I said.� �I�m going to stand up, cast in, and we start from here.� Clean slate, no excuses... Anything caught when the other is present, fishing or not, moody or not, counts.� I looked her in the eyes.� They were full of their usual life again.� She stared at me for a while, transfixing me to the spot.� If she had held my gaze indefinitely, I would still be there now. Finally she nodded.� �Fine.�� The game was set.� I got up slowly with an exaggerated yawn.� �All right, reel in,� I said. �What?� she asked innocently. �I can tell you have one on the line.� You�re just waiting for me to cast.� A smile spread across Heather�s face, as she cranked on the reel.� Sure enough, a fish was flapping on the end of the line.� I just smiled and shook my head as I hoisted my pole. �Zero-zero,� I said. �Zero-zero,� she echoed. I looked at her with a grin as I swung my rod over the railing.� We stared at each other, waiting for the imaginary start lights to go off. �Go!� we yelled at once. We cast in like we were starting the Kentucky Derby.� For a few minutes we worked our lines in silence, eyeing each other�s pole tips to see if something had been caught.� Neither of us hooked anything though. I looked at Heather, and she looked at me.� Then we started laughing. �Somewhat anticlimactic, huh?� she said to me. �Yeah, fishing could never be a spectator sport.� �I don�t know, the suspense here is killing me,� she said. �Heh.� Well, there�s a long way to go.� The first fish caught won�t matter much in a few weeks, when I�ve soundly kicked your butt.� Unless you�re planning to ditch me again like last year,� I said.� I knew it was a risky comment, but I thought her mood could handle it. �No, Matt.� Unfortunately, I�m stuck here fishing with you for the rest of the summer,� she said, with mock ennui. I felt relief at her returned barb.� � �Unfortunately?�� �Stuck here?�� Thanks!� That makes me feel good.� Heather stuck her tongue out at me, and then she whooped.� I rolled my eyes as she dramatically pulled on her rod.� �Ooh, a big, meaty one!� she exclaimed exaggeratedly as the fish rose above the surface. �You suck,� I said.� I moved over closer to her and smacked my rod tip against hers.� To my surprise, the fish dropped off her hook and into the water.� I sniggered.� Heather turned and gave me a foul look. �What was that?� she exclaimed. �Sorry, just trying to help...�� �That�s a penalty!� Malicious interference.� Three fish penalty!� �Wait, that�s not fair!� I barely tapped your rod, so it was about to shake itself off anyway.� I�ll just let you count that one, out of pity.� �Out of pity?� Whatever!� The score is one for me, negative three for you.� The fish counts, and you get a penalty.� �When did you become referee?� I asked with a grimace. �I�ve always been the referee. I always will be,� she said matter-of-factly. �Well, sounds like there�s no room for discussion on that point,� I said. �Nope,� she confirmed. I felt a hard pull on my line. �Oh... oh... well, look at that.� What a shame!� They just never learn, do they?� That looks a lot like the fish you just had, doesn�t it?� I said triumphantly.� I grinned wickedly and eyed the fat fish wriggling on my hook.� �It�s so big and� �meaty,� that I can hardly pull it in.�� I pretended to stagger under the weight of the half-pound pan fish. Heather scrunched her face up and whipped her rod at mine, but I anticipated her and swung my pole out of the way, pulling the fish to the temporary safety of my bucket. �You better watch out,� I warned.� �That was almost a penalty for you.� What was it? �Malicious interference?� � I mimicked in a high voice. Heather just made another face at me, which I smiled back at sweetly.
The fishing for the next while was intense.� Well, as intense as fishing for pan fish on a pier in high summer can get, which is not very intense.� �I have to get to work,� Heather sighed at last. I felt a twinge of sadness at the impending end of our morning together. �That�s cool.� Nothing�s biting anyway.� Heather leaned over and peered into my bucket.� She laughed for a moment, and then pretended to contain it.� She couldn�t keep her face straight, though. �Negative two,� she said with derision. �What?� I have negative one fish,� I corrected, feeling ridiculous at having to argue for that pathetic score.� I looked in my bucket as they swam around: one, two, three, four� no wait, three, four, five� �Hey, where�s the big meaty one?� I said suddenly.� I looked at Heather.� She shrugged.� I checked in my bucket once more, but it was clearly not there.� When I turned to Heather again, I caught the end of a smile that evaporated just as I looked at her. I started for her bucket.� She blocked my way. �Heather,� I warned with arched brow. She just grinned at me, moving back and forth in front of her bucket as I tried to get past her.� Finally I crossed my arms on my chest and stood before her. �Penalty, I say!� �Get over it, Matt.� I�m the ref.� We stared each other down for a moment, and then I lunged and grabbed her by the shoulders, turning her out of the way.� As I made contact with her, electricity shot though me.� I had never touched her before, except for the one time she had kissed my cheek the day she left last year, I remembered.� As I held her bare shoulders, I could feel her skin warm and alive in my hands.� It was vividly sensuous.� For a moment, I forgot what I was even doing. Heather shrieked, trying to prevent me from seeing in her bucket.� She pulled on my arm, but it was too late:� swimming in her bucket was the big meaty fish we had both caught.� �Hey!� I exclaimed, pointing at it as she pulled me back from the edge of her bucket.� �Thief!� Thief!� I cried. �All right, fine!� Fine.� I�ll take a penalty,� she said, breathing deeply.� Her eyes were on fire.� She let go of my arm suddenly, like it was burning her. �I want my fish back, too,� I griped, regaining some composure. �No.� Penalty, or fish, which will it be?� �What?� Oh, wait: �I�m the ref,� � I mimicked.� �How the hell did you steal it anyway?� Heather just shrugged.� I thought back to when I had to tie a new hook on my line.� I probably had my back to her for ten seconds as I pulled out some leader.� She must have done it then.� It was impressive. �Oh crap, I really have to get to work!� I�m already a half-hour late,� she said.� �Fish, or penalty?� �What�s the penalty?� I asked. �Fish or penalty?� she just repeated. �All right, penalty.�� I didn�t really care about the fish. �Okay.�� She started to pack up her stuff. �So?� I asked impatiently. �So what?� �So what�s the penalty?� I blurted out, exasperated. �Oh, right.� So I caught� five.�� She considered for a moment.� �So I�ll take a one fish penalty.� �One fish?� That�s it?� I get three for knocking your rod, and you just get one for steal�� �And,� she said loudly over my protest, �I�ll give you one point too.� So you have negative one.�� After a pause, she sniggered a little at my pitiful score. �Your scoring system is completely random,� I said.� �Not true.� I thought for a second.� �Wait.� You counted the points like you had caught the big fish, not me!� �I did catch the big fish,� she said simply. �So basically nothing changes, and you get to keep the fish you stole?� I asked, incredulous. She pursed her lips, and looked up at the sky.� God, she�s cute, I thought to myself. �Mmm... Yeah, that�s basically it,� she said, nodding in agreement.� �Good assessment of the situation, Matt.� I�m glad you agree.� Now, I really need to go!� �You are incorrible,� I said.� Heather smiled at me.� �And you just let me get away with it,� she said sweetly.� But there was a challenge in those eyes. �Bye, Matt.�� She picked up her gear and started off down the pier. �Hey, wait,� I called out after her.� I looked at my equipment, scattered over the pier.� I didn�t want to make her any later, so walking back together with her was not an option.� But at least I wanted to see if we could fish again the next morning. Heather turned to me expectantly. �Are you coming back tomorrow?� I asked, completely distracted by those eyes. �I�ll be here.� Maybe I�ll see you, if you have the guts to show up.� And by the way, it�s �incorrigible.� �� Her face softened into a radiant smile.� �Bye now!� She turned and hurried down the pier as I shook my head.� I decided that I was making things way too easy for her, even though I really didn�t mind her antics.� They were funny and endearing, even if on some level she was seriously competitive.� I could handle her walking all over me, for the most part, but I had to at least put up some more resistance.
That evening I met Julie at the pier.� I wasn�t looking forward to talking with her, though.� The benefits of dragging the past out into the light were becoming less clear with each passing day. We walked to the gazebo and sat, making small talk.� I didn�t know how to start.� As we watched the sun get lower, she announced some news. �My dad is back in town.� I looked at her, surprised.� �Really?� What�s going on with that?� Julie�s father had moved away with another woman six years earlier.� �Things didn�t work out with his new wife, I guess.� Ex-wife, I should say.� �Wow.� Is he back for good?� Julie shrugged.� �I don�t know.� He showed up a few weeks ago.� He�s been staying with us for the last week or so.� �How is your mom taking that?� �She�s really changed.� It�s been good for her to have him back.� But I hope he�s not just on a stint before he moves on.� She�s been desperate to have him back since he left.� �Hmm.� What about you?� How are you feeling about it?� Julie sighed.� �Well, you know, I�ve resented him ever since he took off.� But now�� �Now?� I gently urged, as she had stopped talking.� Then I noticed a tear rolling down her cheek. �It made me see what I had done to you in a different light.� �How?� �Here I was, hating my dad for leaving my mom and going off with someone else, and then I turned around and did the same thing.� I was the person I hated.� I nodded, knowing all too well what that felt like. �So that�s why you broke it off with Brian?� I asked gently. �I guess.� Yeah.� I moved closer to Julie, and put an arm around her.� She leaned against me, crying quietly. �Well, I hope for your sake, and for your mom�s, that he stays around.� Has he moved back in?� �No, but they�re talking about that.�� Her voice was tremulous. �That�s cool.� �I�m sorry to bring you down with all this,� she said. �No, I like knowing what�s going on.� There was a pause. �Matt, I�m scared.� �Of what?�� I looked at her with concern. �Me. You.� �Why?� �I mean, there�s talk about� about maybe us moving to Florida.� I digested these words.� �Where your dad lives?� I asked. �Yeah.� I mean, he has a really good job down there, and it�s been hard up here for my mom.� I have a feeling she�s starting to open up to it.� But I don�t want to go.� All my friends are here.� And I wouldn�t see you, or Lara, or your family anymore.� I mean, I�ve known you since we were four or five.� I sat in silence, wondering what this meant.� The passion in her voice seemed to make us out to be a steady couple, being separated.� That didn�t quite mesh with my impression of our situation.� But then again, there was also her and Lara�s relationship, which was much closer and longer than ours.� In some ways Julie felt more like a family member than my girlfriend at that moment. �Well, listen; nothing�s set yet, is it?� I asked. �No.� �So maybe things will work out.� �I don�t know.� I think my mom is really caving in.� I didn�t know what to say, so I just stroked her head. �Matt,� she said, �what do you want this summer?� �What do you mean?� �I mean with us.� What do you see happening?� I thought for a moment.� �To be honest, I don�t know.� I do know I don�t want to go through another year like I just did, though.� Julie didn�t answer.� Before we got to questions about our future, I felt like it was the right time to bring up some other questions about the past. �What about Lara?� I asked softly. �What about her?� �I know, Julie,� I said, with unmistakable emphasis. Julie tensed up.� She said nothing for a long time. �I was wondering if she had told you,� she finally said.� Her tone was strangled. �Why didn�t you ever tell me?� �I don�t know.� I didn�t want to lose you.� �Well, in one way I can see that, but still.� �I�m really sorry, Matt.� God, I screwed things up so bad�� Was it hard when Lara told you?� I almost laughed at the question.� �I lost my sister a few months ago.� It was a bad time for both of us.� I paused to let that sink in. �But,� I went on, �we worked things out, and we�re much better now.� �Don�t blame her.� It was me who didn�t tell you.� �I know.� I trust Lara with my life, and more, and I don�t blame her for anything.� I think you should apologize to her, though.�� ��I will,� Julie whispered.� I felt a little bad for being so preachy and blunt, but I had to get these things off my chest. �Do you still want to be with her?� I asked. Julie was silent for a bit.� �Do you mean, be with her in that way?� she asked. �Yeah.� �I don�t have to anymore.� Lara and I were just experimenting back then.� I�m not, you know�� �So you�re more into guys?� �Yeah,� she said slowly.� �Not that I �� �Not that you didn�t enjoy it?� I finished again.� �Yeah,� Julie answered quietly.� �You seem very comfortable with this,� she added. �It doesn�t bother me anymore.� I looked out at the waves.� They were a little rougher than they had been earlier.� �So why didn�t you tell me about John?� I asked.� Another tense moment as Julie stiffened. �John?� she asked. �Lara told me he was your first.� Julie sat up suddenly.� �Why are you doing this?� she asked, anguish in her voice. �Julie�� I reached out to her, but she pushed my hand away. �What do I have to do to show you that I�ve changed?� You make it sound like I�ve slept with all these people, and, and �� �Julie, whoa, wait, I�m not saying anything like that!� I said, confused by her abrupt reaction.� I kept my voice calm, but Julie was getting more and more agitated. �Then why are you bringing up John?� That was before I even was with you!� �So was Lara,� I said quietly. �So, s-so what?� �Look, it was just a simple question.� I�m not saying you should have told me, but, I just thought�� �Then why are you asking now?� It�s in the past.� I breathed deeply, trying to keep my anxiety from growing.� Maybe I had pushed her too far, bringing up John. I looked at Julie, standing half-lit by the ruddy sun.� Her chest was heaving, and her eyes were fixed on mine.� It suddenly became painfully clear to me, that what I did next was going to influence the rest of my vacation, and beyond� far beyond. Was the girl I wanted to be with standing in front of me now at sunset?� Gorgeous, secretive, and sexy, but heartbreaking? Or had she been standing before me that morning at sunrise?� Playful, challenging, and cute; but spoken for? Time hung still as Julie and I stared at each other.� As I watched her, she gave me that look, with her big, brown, wet eyes. I knew then, in my heart, what the right decision was to be.�
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