Girl Fag 19
Have you ever had a moment of clarity when suddenly everything makes perfect sense? It's a good feeling, but it disappears fast, doesn't it? Like when you have a good dream and for a few seconds after you wake up. It's vivid and fresh, but by the time you stumble into the bathroom, it's gone. All you're left with is the sad knowledge that you had it once.
That's what I had, one of those moments. I understood who and what I was, finally it all made sense; and I knew how to tell my dad about it too. That was important to me because, well, he's my dad. I needed him more than ever, but until I figured everything out he was off limits, sorta. I mean, I couldn't try and explain it to him if I couldn't even explain it to myself, right?
That was the good news. The bad news was that I had a football scrimmage at 1:00. And that meant I had to be on the field warming up at 12:30. And that meant I had to be on my bike and pedaling my little round butt off by 12:15. And we were just pulling into the driveway at 12:13.
So much for clarity.
I couldn't tell my dad anything in two minutes! It would take that long just to get his undivided attention. Besides, I had to spend those two minutes grabbing some stuff for practice, like clean underwear and a towel, those would be handy. Some socks too. And somewhere in between getting out of Daddy's truck and getting on my bike, I forgot what I'd finally understood.
It was almost enough to make me cry.
Miss Haven wasn't at the scrimmage, which was okay. I didn't figure she would be, since it was a Saturday and all. She probably had other things to be doing. I wasn't sure what I'd have said to her anyway. I was still trying to decide if getting Miss Haven and Sherry together would be a good idea. It had seemed like it before, but now I wasn't so sure.
Coach was someone I really wanted to talk to, but of course I couldn't during the scrimmage. There would be way too many people around to be talking about BDSM and all that stuff. Besides, he was pretty busy since a scrimmage is sorta like a regular game, except it's just practice. So Coach would be trying different players in different positions, and all the plays, even the really strange ones. He wasn't going to have any time for me asking questions, that was for sure. But maybe later…
"Uh, Coach?" It was halfway through the second quarter and Coach was sort of alone, checking his notes when I decided to talk to him.
"Yeah, Russet?" he barely glanced at me.
"I was wondering if um, we could talk…Like after the game," I was a little nervous, but not bad.
"Talk about what?" Coach heard a whistle and looked at the field, staring hard under his bushy eyebrows. "Pearson! Get your ass on the other side!" he was yelling. "Other side…That way…Over there!" he was pointing and shaking his head. "Goddamn kid," Coach went back to his clipboard.
"Uh, sort of private stuff, Coach," I lowered my voice, looking around a little. "You know, personal."
Coach looked at me then, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking, "Personal, huh?"
"Uh-huh, yes sir," I nodded seriously.
"You knocked up?" he grabbed my chin in his hard but gentle fingers, tilting my head so he could see my eyes.
"N-No sir!" I blinked at him.
"Okay," Coach licked his lips and looked around for a second, letting go of my face. "I…Uh, I got my special training I gotta do and…"
"Hey Coach!" Lance was yelling, "The ref wants you!"
Coach looked over and the referee was looking at someone's helmet. Probably a chinstrap broke or something.
"Kay," Coach nodded and looked back at me. "How bout you come by my place round four?"
"Your house?" Coach lived just around the corner from the gas station, in Fair Willie's old place. It seemed sort of strange, since I didn't think I'd ever been to any teachers' house before, except maybe to fix a car or a lawnmower or something, but that was different. "Uh, okay."
"Good," Coach nodded and went off to see what the problem with the helmet was.
If you believed Stan, Squinosha's only barber and local amateur historian, Fair Willie was a real Wild West hero. I must have heard at least a dozen stories about him, and all of them 3 or 4 times over while I was growing up and getting my haircuts. Back in the olden times, before there were the modern humanitarian methods of killing a man, people around Squinosha County would gather up the children and pack a picnic basket and head on over to Fair Willie's to see justice handed out on the stump. Of course Fair Willie was more often called 'Fare Willie' since he'd get a nickel for every eyeball that wanted to see the actual hanging, but women and children were half price.
According to the plaque on the stump, according to Stan, since the plaque was hard to read, Fair Willie was a large sort of man. He came from big stock, but he wasn't the kind you'd find imposing, you know? He never crowded a fella, never pushed; hardly even raised his voice that anyone could recall. Maybe cause he didn't have to. Willie was the county Judge, Jury, and Executioner all rolled up into one. Now to some people nowadays that might seem kinda strange, almost unconstitutional in a way. But I guess people back then didn't mind so much; he got that name Fair Willie cause he just had a way of sorting stuff out.
I thought it was sort of a good omen then that Coach just happened to be living in Fair Willie's old house, since I really needed some help sorting stuff out myself. The stump was still there in the front yard and it had a plaque, like I said. Some people had tried to get it made into a state historical site, sort of a museum or something, I don't know. But it didn't seem like anybody else in Washington had ever heard of Fair Willie, at least not the folks in Olympia. Or maybe they just didn't want to spend money on some old tree stump. That was too bad maybe, I don't know, but at least that stump was good for leaning my bike up against.
I knocked on Coach's front door and he let me in with a little grunt and a smile, "Want a beer or something, Russet?" He was just wearing a pair of white shorts and a blue bathrobe that he hadn't bothered tying closed. He looked a little damp and smelled like Zest soap. I figured he must have just come from the shower.
I'd just showered too, and changed clothes so that I looked sorta presentable. I still hadn't found a ride to Beaverton. All of my brothers were out, which was sort of normal for a Saturday. I'd find a ride though, I was sure, there were a lot of guys around town who owed me a favor or two. Of course it might be that I hadn't found a ride because I didn't really want to, since if I couldn't get to Beaverton to see Julie, I'd spend the night with Jane. And that was something I wouldn't mind very much either.
"A beer? Ummm…" I shrugged, "…Sure."
"Good boy," Coach walked into the kitchen and I followed him. He grabbed a Heineken for me and a ginger ale for himself, which made me wonder a little. "Stomach problems," Coach frowned and rubbed his flat stomach while I just sort of stared at him.
He was rock hard, that was for sure. I'd never seen him without a shirt on before. His abs were serious, like a washboard except better. He had a lot of hair on his chest too, steel grey and curly. And down low on his belly I could see some scars, or something, three little round spots of lighter colored skin, kinda puckered, and wondered about those briefly.
"Hey there," I was startled when another man walked into the kitchen.
He was younger than Coach, a lot younger, maybe 21 or so, I thought, since he sort of reminded me of my brother Steve, except for one thing. He was wearing what looked like girl's underwear, a pair of sheer black panties with little red roses around the waistband. I could see his penis, thick and dark and curled up beneath the thin material. He was also handsome as heck!
"Uh, hi." I took a big drink of beer.
He was a good looking man, like he ought to be an underwear model or something, and the weirdest thing was that he had no body hair at all. Not even under his arms. But that was okay cause he had a really, really great body. He was 6'3" easy with short black hair on his head and his dark nipples were pierced with small gold rings hanging from them. His body was bronze, like he'd spent all summer on a beach, and I mean one of those nude beaches they have in other, exotic places. He was exotic and I was falling down a deep hole right from the get go!
"This here's my Boy," Coach grinned and slapped the man on the back as the guy opened the fridge, getting himself a beer. "That's Russet," Coach introduced me, but his tone made it sound like the name would mean something special to the man.
"So that's him, huh?" he smiled and looked me slowly up and down, nodding. "He's sweet, Coach, you weren't lying." I was turning 16 shades of red. "Coach tells me you're a hell of a football player."
I couldn't hardly look at the guy. I mean, he was gorgeous and obviously queer as Rock Hudson, and he was looking at me like…Well, like I was queer too and he wanted to do something about it. It was embarrassing, but only because nobody had ever looked at me like that before, at least no man had, and I really liked it for the obvious reasons.
"Uh, thanks," I licked my lips. "What's your name?"
"I told ya that already, Russet. Goddamn, you gotta pay attention son!" Coach laughed as I blushed a little more. If Coach had said his name I'd totally missed it.
"Coach thinks my name's Boy, but most folks call me Levi," he stuck out his hand. "Levi Smith."
"Oh, um…" I was smiling and shaking his hand, doing my best to match his strong grip, when I realized what he'd just said. "Levi…Smith?" I asked slowly. "You're the quarterback for the Cougs!" I kicked myself for sounding like an idiot.
"Yeah. That's me," he grinned and I felt my heart doing flip-flops. He had green eyes, like really green eyes, and I just sorta looked at them for awhile.
"I think he's gonna mess his shorts, Boy," Coach chuckled.
"How old are you?" Levi asked me and I blinked a couple times.
"Do you have a boyfriend?" I asked him, before I realized he'd asked me a question. And then I thought asking a guy if he had a boyfriend was pretty damn rude when you'd just shook hands, so I looked down quickly, really wishing I hadn't said anything.
"I told ya, didn't I, Boy? He don't pussyfoot around," Coach pulled up a chair to his table and sat down.
"I guess not," Levi laughed lightly and didn't seem put off by my directness at all. "Uh, nope, no boyfriend at the moment. But I'm always looking."
"I'm fourteen," I bit my lip and looked at him.
"And already a heartbreaker," Levi shook his head and looked me up and down some more. "Coach said you busted your quarterback's nose."
"He, uh, deserved it," I took another swallow of beer, hoping there wasn't like a quarterback's code or something that would keep Levi from liking me.
"I heard he grabbed your ass," Levi grinned as I blushed some more. It was really getting hot in that kitchen.
"Uh, yeah," I nodded, trying to keep my eyes from roaming across his hard chiseled body. He was seriously built and I wondered why more guys didn't wear lace panties, they looked great on him.
"So, if I wanna grab something I should…" Levi played the tip of his tongue across his lips and my pussy spasmed hard.
"Alright, yeah, yeah…" Coach kicked a chair out with his foot. "Have a hunker, Russet."
"Be right back," Levi grinned at me and walked out of the kitchen, his hard ass making my mouth water, literally.
"You like that, huh?" Coach laughed, watching me as I stared at Levi. "He was one of my special players once, down in Walla Walla. Biggest goddamn flirt I ever met, but sweet Jesus what a mouth on that kid."
"He, uh, he knows about me?" I looked at Coach, almost whispering.
"What? You bein' one of my special boys?" Coach smiled and looked a little guilty maybe, but not much. "Normally I wouldn't say anything, but I thought maybe you might not mind so much. Anyway, that's why he come up from Pullman. Musta drove like a banshee too."
I hadn't meant that, but I got sidetracked, "He came up just to meet me?"
"Yep," Coach grinned. "I told him all about you, hell you're one of the best players I've ever seen, Russet. I gotta show you off, boy!"
"Oh," I smiled a little self-consciously. "But um, he doesn't know I'm a girl? On the outside?"
"Hmmm…" Coach rubbed his jaw. "Not sure I mentioned that."
"Mentioned what?" Levi stepped into the kitchen smiling like he was selling toothpaste, and he could have, believe me. He was carrying a red 3-ring binder. "I thought maybe you'd like to see my playbook."
"Not sure it matters none either," Coach said softly and chuckled.
"Uh yeah, sure," I smiled as Levi started pulling up a chair between me and Coach. The Cougars playbook! I couldn't believe it! I was sitting in Coach's kitchen next to Levi Smith, one of the best college football players in the country, looking through a real playbook like it was a photo album or something, which it was in a way.
"Why don't you take that into the other room," Coach said, giving me a little wink that made me smile with embarrassment.
Coach was hooking us up, that was obvious and I was pretty much in heaven. I didn't know what Levi would think about me being a girl, but for the moment I didn't care. This was very literally my ultimate dream come true, like all of my secret wishes being granted. A handsome, strong, gay man who liked me a lot, who wanted me as a boy, you know? Nothing else anywhere mattered except being with Levi and wanting him to like me.
Whatever I'd wanted to talk to Coach about, I couldn't remember what it was. I couldn't think of anything really, except that my mouth was hurting because I was smiling so much. Levi was telling me about the plays and what it was like playing for the University of Washington, and getting to start in the Rose Bowl the year before. He was funny and sweet and smart and I was hopelessly head over heels in love. This was the real deal too, there wasn't any doubt, no fear or any of that. I'd met Mr. Right as they say.
We sat close together on the sofa, close enough so I couldn't help but feel his smooth body next to mine. I was still dressed, but all Levi was wearing were those panties and he must have liked me just fine. His cock was thick, growing beneath the lace, and he wasn't trying to hide it. His voice was gentle and whispering in my ear, even though he was just talking football, it was still making me hot and tingly all over.
Every now and then Coach would pop his head into the room, just to make sure we were okay. Like how would we not be? I was sitting next to Levi Smith, my hand on his thigh, although I don't remember how it had gotten there and he didn't seem to mind. I was terrified that I was gonna wake up and find all of this a dream. My heart was pounding, my mouth was dry. I couldn't even breathe.
"Hey," Levi said gently. I was looking down at the playbook and when I turned my head to look at him, he kissed me.
It was like a damn broke or something, because I was kissing him back eagerly. My hands went to his body, just exploring his smooth hard flesh like I'd been waiting all my life to do it. His tongue was big and thick and strong, so much different than Jane's, but I could barely spare a guilty thought for her, every part of me was focused on Levi.
He was touching me too and trying to pull my shirt off, over my head while we kissed and I had a momentary attack of fear, wondering what he'd say when he saw my small girlish boobs. We got my shirt off though, and I breathed a sigh of relief as Levi took a good look at my breasts and smiled.
"I was wondering if you were just teasing me," he squeezed my left tit with his right hand, which was big enough to cover the whole thing easily. My nipple hardened instantly, or maybe it already was hard, but now it ached and so did the other one, even though he wasn't touching it at all.
"Teasing you?" I breathed, sliding my hand down to his underwear, those sexy lace panties, and finding his hard thick cock straining for release. I squeezed it through the slightly rough material and it was hot and heavy.
"I like boys who look like girls," Levi practically sighed, and his hips moved a little.
"I, uh…" I swallowed hard. "I am a girl." Just in case he hadn't figured that out already, but my brain wasn't entirely working either.
"I know," he smiled and kissed me. "That's why you're perfect," Levi kissed me again. "The perfect…" kiss! "…Boy…" kiss! "…For me." He was sucking my bottom lip, nibbling it gently as his hands worked at my belt and I was moving my legs frantically, trying to kick off my boots.
I was kissing his body too. I went for his nipples, just because I had to. Those wonderfully dark, hard nipples Levi had. I took one in my mouth, ring and all, playing my tongue around it while my hand pulled his cock free. I was stroking him, rubbing his cock gently and collecting precum on my thumb. Levi seemed to like all that and he encouraged me softly to kiss his other tit, to squeeze his cock, and do whatever I wanted with him. I was in paradise.
His hands were all over my body and everywhere Levi touched me it felt like I was on fire. I was touching him too, feeling his powerful muscles moving under his warm smooth skin. I squeezed and pulled at his flesh, and sometimes pushed against him too, just wanting to feel how strong he was, how incredibly sexy his body felt under my fingers. I'd never, ever felt so excited, and while that always seemed to be true with every new experience, this time it was absolute. This really was a dream coming true.
When I lowered my mouth to his cock, after kissing that gorgeously hard stomach of his, Levi groaned and let out a happy sigh. I opened wide for it, taking the man as gently as Iknew how into my mouth. I was making love to his cock. Where I'd sucked off a lot of guys already, this was way, way different. I was focused on it, intent to make it the best blowjob that Levi had ever gotten in his life. I wanted to worship him, you know? I wrapped my lips around the thick shaft, minding my teeth, and washing the head lightly with my tongue. I tickled the underside and slid all the way down while Levi worked his hands over my shoulders and back.
It was a great blowjob, it had to be. I did everything I could think of and when I got my throat open and took Levi all the way to the base of his beautiful cock, he lifted his hips and groaned, holding me there for a long second with obvious pleasure. I'd been afraid I couldn't do it, not cause he was too long, he wasn't, but only because he really was pretty thick. What a great cock! I deep throated him several times, until he wanted us to do something else and I wasn't going to say no! Even though I really wanted to swallow his cum and taste his sweet balls emptying into my tummy, I let him pull me off for another deep kiss.
He wanted to see all of me too, that's what it was. Levi wanted us naked and I lifted my hips as he worked my jeans down my thighs, my boxers too, pulling them all down together so I could kick them off my legs. I hadn't brought my strap-on and I regretted it for a second, thinking how much better it might have been to have a hard cock, just to give some proof that I really was a boy inside. I felt suddenly shy, of course, and very self-conscious as I was completely naked in Levi's strong arms.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
Levi was above me as I had sprawled back a little on the soft couch, with my legs slightly spread so he could see my bare sex, plain as day under the sparse blonde hair that concealed nothing. I felt a little ashamed of myself, like I had a deformity, and I wanted to cover myself up, but I didn't. That would have made it worse somehow, I thought. I had no choice but to let the man of my dreams see my stupid pussy and I hated it. I wanted to be the boy I was supposed to be. The faggot that Levi could love forever. I'd forgotten Jane and Julie and Sandy, all those girls meant nothing compared to this and I would feel bad about that later maybe, but I couldn't deny who I really was inside. What I really wanted in a partner. I could spend the rest of my life with Levi, I thought, if only I had a real dick instead of my stupid cunt.
"Sorry for what?" Levi looked genuinely puzzled and he reached down, stroking my stomach.
"That I…I don't have a dick," I breathed, closing my eyes and feeling my body flush with embarrassment.
"A dick doesn't make you a man," Levi told me, his voice soft but a little firm too. "Didn't Coach teach you that yet?"
I swallowed hard as Levi's hand moved down, touching the swell of my pussy. It was the first time anyone had touched me there, at least without me pushing them away, or telling them to stop. I gasped a little as his thumb touched my clit, hard and burning and barely peeking from its soft sheath. I wasn't going to stop Levi and maybe I still didn't really understand, but if he wanted to touch me? If Levi was okay with my pussy? Then, maybe, I could be okay with it too. It was the first time in my life I'd had even a small idea that I could actually like my body and it made me shiver.
"Yeah," I nodded slowly, looking up into his face. "I think so."
"Then don't be so hard on yourself," Levi smiled. "This…" he slipped a finger along my vagina, splitting my labia slightly so that a trickle of wetness spilled out of me, "…Just makes you a special boy."
"Ohhhh…" I moaned and my body gave a little jerk as he moved his finger back and forth. "Please…" I reached down, grabbing his wrist and squeezing him hard.
"Do you want me to stop?" Levi asked me.
"N-No…" I panted. "I just never…No one ever touched me…" He wriggled the tip of his finger inside me, just a little and I thought I was gonna cum any second. "…There!" I shrieked breathlessly as I pulled Levi's hand hard against my sex, rocking my hips and cumming like crazy.
Levi rubbed my sex hard, with my thighs clenched around his hand. He didn't have his fingers inside me, not past my lips anyway, mostly he was just massaging my cunt with small movements, squeezing my soft pliant vulva, and rubbing me harder and harder. I was lifting my butt off the couch, arching my back and wriggling against the pressure. I'd never felt someone else's hand on my pussy and it was making me crazy.
I think I came for about three minutes, but it felt like three hours and I was crying, but I didn't know why. Levi moved on top of me, kissing my body slowly, my stomach and breasts, my shoulders and neck, and I had my arms around him, sighing and taking deep breaths. I kissed his face, his cheeks and lips. He tasted my tears and smiled at me, telling me it was okay, that everything was okay, he knew I was really a boy and I believed him. He was making it okay that I had a pussy. It was part of me and that was all that mattered. He liked me. Maybe he even loved me, but I was so afraid to want that much.
I felt his hard chest against mine, pressing to my small tits, rubbing my itching burning nipples until I thought they were going to explode. Levi's stomach too, hard and flat moved against mine and below that I'd spread my legs around his ass and thighs, and I could feel his penis rubbing across the soft swell of my sex. It was trapped between our bodies and as Levi kissed me, he shifted a little, reaching down to move himself and I felt the smooth rounded head of his cock across the opening of my pussy.
"Are you going to…" I hitched a sharp breath as my labia was split wide around him, "…Put it in me?"
I felt scared and nervous and excited all at the same time. My heart threatened to leap from my chest, it was pounding so hard. I'd never, ever dreamed of having sex this way, real sex with my pussy. Levi was rubbing the smooth glans up and down, working the swollen head between my greasy lips and just that felt insanely good. If anyone else had tried to do this, I would have stopped them, but this was Levi and he was queer like me and I was a boy for him. My pussy didn't mean anything, he told me.
Yeah…" he breathed. "I want to make love to you, beautiful boy. My pretty little boy. I want to love you. Let me put it in, please…"
"Yeah…" I swallowed hard because it felt like I could barely talk. "I…I want you to put it in me…Okay…Oh…"
Levi pushed against me with his hips slowly and I felt real pain as my tight virgin sex was penetrated for the first time. His cock was huge, I thought, it had to be the biggest cock in the world, it hurt so much because I was so small and I'd never even had a finger inside me. Not all the way. I tensed and my legs tightened around Levi's hips. I held my breath and closed my eyes, but I wanted to see him, I wanted to look at the man I was giving my virginity to. So I kept them open and stared into those green eyes of his, loving him completely right then.
"Slow…Uh…Slow…Please…" I tapped his back with my hands, begging him to be careful. My pussy burned and the soft muscles at the entrance protested sharply as they were gradually forced to give way. My hole was so small he was having trouble getting inside, mostly because he didn't want to hurt me. He didn't want to push too hard and I loved the concern on his handsome face.
"It's okay…It's okay…" Levi was saying, over and over, trying to relax me. I felt myself being split slowly, painfully even though I was so wet for him, so ready for this. My pussy lips were spread around him, the smaller ones inside giving way reluctantly to the first and only cock I'd ever want inside my girlish sex.
I felt him stop, finally and I thought that was it, that must have been it. He was all the way inside and that wasn't so bad. I actually smiled and I did relax a little, taking a few breaths and letting the tension out of my body. That hadn't been bad at all and I wondered if I was bleeding like I'd heard some girls do when they lose their virginity. I didn't really feel different, but…
"Are you ready?" Levi whispered, staring into my eyes.
"Wha-What?" I breathed, wondering what he meant and then realizing his cock had only gone as far as my hymen and he hadn't broken through that barrier yet. He couldn't have been more than an inch inside me, if even that far! I reached down and the pronounced ridge of his cockhead was still outside me!
Levi moved, just a fraction, pressing his hard cock deeper so that I felt a sudden ache as he nudged my cherry, just a little. "Are you ready for this?" he asked me again.
"N-No…" I shook my head, suddenly terrified by what we were doing.
I couldn't do it, I didn't want to. I mean I did want to, more than anything. I wanted to make love to him, to let him do whatever he wanted with me. I wanted to just give myself to Levi forever…But I couldn't. I just couldn't for some reason. I was a virgin and I had to stay that way, didn't I? This was gonna be wrong and it didn't make any sense, since it had been perfectly okay just a second before. What was different? I didn't know, but I just didn't want to lose my virginity on Coach's sofa to a guy I'd just met, even if he was Prince Charming, you know? Maybe I was just coming to my senses finally.
"Shhh…" Levi kissed me and rocked his hips, just a little and the ache became something sharp and hot and it made me gasp loudly.
"No!" I pushed him, digging my fingers into the skin just below his arm, trying to force him away. "Stop…Please…No…" I wanted to get away, to move myself out from under him, but I was afraid that would just make the man go deeper.
I was almost sobbing with fear, knowing he was gonna do it. Any second he was going to give me a hard push and split me in two, break my virginity forever and I didn't know what that meant. I wasn't afraid of the pain, I was afraid of not knowing what came afterwards. I wasn't ready for it and the confused emotions were more than I could handle. What if I never saw Levi again? What if he didn't love me? What if…
"Come on…" Levi was fighting a little to stay on top of me, and it wasn't all that hard for him. I was sorta strong, yeah, but he was a lot bigger and a lot stronger, and he definitely had the better position. "It's gonna be okay…"
I knew that was it. He was gonna do it, right then, right there on Coach's sofa and there wasn't a thing I could do to stop him. I'd let him get me there. I'd begged him for it and now he was going to take my cherry and change me forever.
"No!…Stop please, oh no!…Grapes!…Grapes!…Please!" I was yelling and kicking and hitting his sides with my fists and then…
"Get off her, boy!" Coach had his forearm around Levi's neck, in a headlock, and yanked him straight up and back and off of me so quickly I wasn't sure what was going on. "Grapes means stop, didn't I ever learn you that?"
Levi struggled for a second, but only cause he didn't know what was going on either at first. As soon as he heard Coach's voice, Levi stopped and his body went slack, so Coach could relax his arm, but he still kept it around Levi's neck.
I was covering myself up and crying, feeling sick to my stomach and afraid to look at either of them. My mind was cloudy and I couldn't think straight. What had just happened? Rape was the only real thought I had and the word just kept repeating itself over and over in my head. I'd been raped, I thought, and that was bad. It was bad. I was raped and it was bad.
Coach told Levi he needed to get his clothes back on and get on back to Pullman. He didn't yell or anything, didn't even seem real mad, just disappointed, and that was the worst of it for Levi, I thought. It would have been the worst for me, if I'd disappointed Coach somehow.
Levi went upstairs and Coach sat down on the couch, wanting to touch me, I thought, just to comfort me somehow, but not really knowing how or even if he should.
"I'm sorry, Ann," Coach said gently. "He just got a little carried away, all that hot blood a young man has. It's my fault. I shoulda known better."
I was sniffling and every time I did my body would jerk a little. I was still naked, sort of covered with my pants and shirt. "I want to go home," I said softly.
Levi tried to apologize on his way out, looking very ashamed and very sad, but I couldn't look at him for long and I didn't say anything. I just listened as he closed the front door behind him and started his car a few minutes later. Coach went to get me a beer while I dressed, thinking maybe a little alcohol might calm me down, and it did.
"He didn't really rape me," I told Coach, who was looking pretty ashamed himself, although I wasn't sure why. Maybe cause Levi was his friend and it was his house too. "Right?" I'd reached down to feel my sex, gingerly exploring and as far as I could tell I was still a virgin. "He didn't really do it."
"Uh…" Coach didn't know what to say and he didn't need to say anything.
"Not really," I was telling myself. "He didn't really rape me."
I drank the beer fast and Coach wanted to drive me home, or call one of my brothers, but I told him no, I was just going to ride my bike and left before he could change my mind.
But I felt too sore, even though Levi hadn't broken my cherry, it still hurt a little. That coulda been mental too though, I mean sometimes we feel pain just cause we think we should, you know? I was feeling ashamed and guilty and thinking Levi hadn't gotten a fair deal at all. I'd wanted it, you know? I'd been more than willing and he'd had no reason to think otherwise. I'd just changed my mind for no good reason and that was so wrong for him. I wished I'd had the wits to talk to him before Levi left. He deserved better than what he'd got and it hadn't been rape at all. I was the same. Still a virgin and I hated my pussy more than ever.
So…I just walked my bike a ways, maybe half a mile or so, until I found myself right by Josh's house.
Him and his grandmother were just sitting down to dinner when I rang the doorbell. I hadn't really wanted to, but it was around six and I needed a phone. I felt a little surge of embarrassment when Josh's grandma opened the door, like maybe she'd know what just happened. It was a weird feeling and so strong it almost made me turn around and run without saying a word, but I didn't. I just tried to smile and act normal.
"Why, what's wrong, Scottie?" she said, first thing, and I just closed my eyes. "You've been crying! Come in here, come on…"
She was pulling my arm and I didn't resist it. Josh's grandma was pretty old and sorta strict in an old woman's way, but she was a mom more than anything else. She also tended to confuse me with my brother Scott, but if I told her I was Ann, she'd start giving me a hard time about looking like a boy.
I told her I'd had an argument with a friend, and then told Josh that too when he came in the room, wondering what was going on. I guessed my eyes must have been pretty red and puffy looking, cause he said I looked like I'd got a big shot of pepper spray or something.
They let me use their phone and I called Julie first off, apologizing that I wasn't gonna be able to make our date. I didn't say why exactly and I really tried hard to let her know that I was seriously disappointed. She sounded disappointed too and made me promise to call her tomorrow. It wasn't a good phone call and I felt like crying again when I hung up.
After that Josh's grandma made me sit down and eat with them, which I didn't want to do at all. I didn't feel very hungry for one thing, and for another I just wanted to be alone so I could think, you know? But I couldn't really refuse and it was pretty good, homemade chicken dumpling soup that was real thick with meat and vegetables and while I'm not a big dumpling fan, they were pretty tasty. But I didn't really eat a whole lot.
Josh's grandma liked to talk, or maybe she just wanted to keep me busy listening so I wouldn't think so much about what was bothering me. She was talking about her water heater and how it was thunking and not making enough hot water, so I found a good excuse to leave the table and fixed it for her. It was just a bad regulator valve that needed a little love and some Teflon.
Fixing stuff always made me feel better and this was no different. It was like figuring out mechanical problems in my hands helped with the emotional problems in my head. Like put them in perspective or something. I hadn't been raped, I decided. In fact, as far as it went I'd been pretty willing right up to the very end. I'd just chickened out and Levi hadn't understood me completely. I don't know for sure, and I never would, but I suspected that Levi would have stopped once he really heard me. He'd loved me.
I felt a little mad at myself actually, a little guilty I suppose, that I'd gone that far and then quit. That wasn't supposed to happen, I mean once you started it wasn't hardly fair, or reasonable, to expect someone to just stop on a dime and turn around. Especially a guy, cause boys are wired a little different from girls, and that made me wonder about my own wiring.
I'd felt like a boy with Levi. I mean even when he was touching my pussy and putting his cock inside me, I was just a boy with a vagina. Like Hal Saunders, a kid in the seventh grade who had 6 toes. Well, 12 altogether and he used to take off his shoes and socks and show everybody during recess when he was little. I didn't have extra toes, I just had a vagina, or that's how it had seemed. Levi hadn't cared, he was eager to have sex with me even though he was queer as a three dollar bill. He liked boys who looked like girls and how much more like a girl could a boy look than me? No wonder he hadn't wanted to stop.
But I had and that made me wonder a lot. What did I care if I was a virgin or not? If I really was a boy, then having a little extra skin inside my vagina shouldn't have made any difference at all, should it? I oughta be glad to be rid of it, even if it did hurt. Good! The more it hurt the better, and blood too, I told myself. Who cares? Like getting a bloody nose between your legs, that's all. It hurts a little, makes a mess, and teaches you a good fucking lesson!
I was really getting mad at myself again, all those frustrations coming out down there in Josh's basement. I banged that valve with a little hammer, harder than I needed to and I was lucky I didn't crack it. Stupid body. I stopped what I was doing and just sat there, wishing I knew what I was doing. If I was gonna be a boy, what did I have to do to stop thinking like I was a girl? And if I was gonna be a girl, even a queer lesbian one, then what did I have to do to accept it and stop wishing I was a boy all the time? I couldn't be both, it was tearing me up inside.
"Oh yeah, I'm a boy who looks like a girl," I said softly to myself in a mocking voice. "Oh, I'm a girl who looks like a boy!" I raised the pitch of my voice, sighing and knowing I'd said or heard those words way too many times over the past few weeks. It was getting old and it didn't solve anything.
"I'm a girl who looks like a girl," I tried, not because it was true, it wasn't, but just cause it was something different to try. "I'm Ann and I'm a girl," I rubbed my nose with the back of my hand. "I'm a girl…Hi, I'm a girl…I'm a girl too…Yeah, I'm a girl…Of course I'm a girl…" I said it a bunch of ways, trying to imagine myself wearing a dress with long blonde hair and lipstick, smiling as I said it. "I'm a girl, do you want to see my pussy?" I giggled and shook my head, wondering if I wasn't going crazy.
"How's it going?" Josh's voice startled me as he started coming down the creaking stairs. I blushed a little, but I knew he hadn't heard me.
"Pretty good," I busied myself with that valve. "I'll be done in 20 minutes."
"Thanks for fixin' this, Gram's been driving me nuts about it," Josh squatted down close to me.
"No problem," I shrugged. "I don't mind. Just some crap in here keeps it from working right, mineral deposits and stuff. You oughta get a water softener."
"Yeah," Josh chuckled. "Right after I win the Lotto."
"Well, anyway, it'll work good for awhile now," I gave him a little grin. "You owe me another favor now." But I didn't really mean nothing by that, we were friends and he grinned too.
"Hey, uh…Can I um, can I ask you something?" Josh asked quietly, clearing his throat. "I don't want to make you mad or nothing, it's sorta personal."
"Uh…" I licked my lips and thought about it for a second. "I guess so, but I might not answer."
"Okay," Josh nodded. "Just um, don't get mad, okay?"
I laughed, "I'll try not to. Maybe you oughta wait until after I get this back together."
"Maybe," Josh laughed nervously and I wondered what was on his mind. For a second I was sorta worried he was gonna ask me out or something. But he didn't.
"Did you, um…Did you have sex with my cousin?" he was rubbing his neck and not really looking directly at me.
"Sandy?" I looked at him. "What, uh…Why would you think that?"
"I sort of saw you guys, climbing out the window last week," he coughed a little. "And she called the other day, just to say hi, but mostly asking about you."
"So you think we…" I tried to give him a little look like he couldn't be serious.
"She's been my cousin a long time," Josh shrugged. "I just…I wanna know, that's all."
"You like her, don't you?" I said, suddenly sensing something else hiding under Josh's words. It wasn't just family concern in his face and voice, there was a little jealousy too, I thought.
"What?" Josh coughed a little. "Yeah, of course, she's my cousin…"
"No, I mean you really like her," I smiled at him as his features filled with guilt. "It's okay, she's beautiful and fun, you don't have to feel bad about it."
"Yeah, but she's my cousin," Josh sounded so sad right then and I realized he was really in love with her. Probably had been since they were real small and had never told anyone about it, least of all Sandy.
"Well, yeah…" I started getting myself back into the water heater so I could replace the valve. "But she's a girl too."
"Did you do it with her?" Josh wanted to punish himself or something, I thought, or maybe he wanted to get off on it. I'd about given up trying to figure out what got other people excited.
"What do you want to know that for?" I asked him, not really wanting to answer Josh directly. I glanced at him awkwardly, laying on my side with both hands under the big water tank.
"I uh…" Josh frowned a little. "I just wanna know if she's a total lez or if there's a chance she might, you know…Like me. Somehow."
I thought Sandy was pretty much a lesbian, she'd basically told me that she was, but who was I to say for sure? I'll admit I had a hard time seeing her with Josh though, even if she'd been straight as an arrow. Sandy was beautiful and Josh was, well not a bad looking guy, but just so ordinary seeming. Like his personality just didn't inspire confidence, you know? If I was a girl, I thought to myself, I wouldn't go out with him. And that made me feel bad, cause he was my friend.
I wondered if I shouldn't lie a little, just so he could keep a light burning, but that didn't seem right either. I didn't want to be leading him on and then set him up for a real fall later. I especially didn't want to get blamed for anything. I worked on that valve slowly, taking my time and wondering what the heck I was supposed to say. They'd never taught me how to kill a friend's dreams on Sesame Street.
"Yeah, Josh," I sighed and sat up, wiping my hands on a rag. "We did it." I looked at him and he just shrugged, like he'd already known, but didn't want to believe it.
"So she's completely queer," he said, like he was stating a fact.
"I don't know," I admitted. "You should talk to her, you're friends right? Like real close?"
"Yeah," Josh scratched his head. "I just wish…I don't know. Okay, um, thanks for telling me the truth, Ann."
I felt really bad for him. "Hey, just talk to her and don't be shy, she's really cool. Sandy's not gonna get mad, she'll listen to you."
"Yeah," Josh looked like a little boy sitting there under the bare 100 watt bulb above us.
"Just, um, don't be crude or anything," I giggled. "Don't tell her you want to jump her bones, just tell her how you feel."
"I wouldn't say that!" Josh glanced at me and then he actually smiled, just a little. "But I would like to jump her bones, yeah."
I was getting all Josh's tools together, congratulating myself on not screwing up too bad. I thought maybe there was even a little tiny hairline chance that Sandy might somehow like Josh the same way, but I doubted it.
"So you're a total lez too?" Josh asked me quietly a minute later.
"Me?" I looked at him. "Uh, I don't know. I'm just a guy, so, uh…I guess I am. Sorta."
"But you like guys too?" Josh pressed, probably thinking my answer wasn't much of an answer.
"Some guys. Here…" I handed Josh his tools wrapped up in the rag I'd used. "I haven't figured it out yet."
"Everybody likes you," Josh said and I wondered what that meant and what we were talking about.
"Ummm…" I laughed. "Not everybody."
"Everybody I know likes you," Josh insisted. I was heading up the stairs and he followed me. "What kind of guys do you like?"
"Josh," I stopped at the top of the stairs, turning around so we were eye to eye as he stopped a few steps lower. "Are you hitting on me?"
"Uh…" he licked his lips and it looked like he wasn't sure, but thought maybe he was.
"We can't be friends if you're hitting on me," I told him, deciding that I'd had enough problems with that sort of thing already. "Besides, look at me, I'm not your type, am I?" I spread my arms a little and smiled.
"Uh, no…" Josh looked down. "Sorry."
"It's okay. You're just thinking about your cousin too much, that's all." I turned around and went through the door into the kitchen, washing my hands in the sink. "Ain't there a party someplace tonight? I feel like a party." And I did, for some reason. I wanted to be around people suddenly.
"Yeah, Darryl's having a party in his barn. Just a couple pony kegs," Josh nodded, dumping his tools in one of the big kitchen drawers where he kept them. No wonder he couldn't fix anything, I thought to myself, the man didn't even own his own toolbox!
"You wanna go check it out?" I looked at him, drying my hands.
"Sure, I guess," Josh shrugged.
"Cool, let me use your phone real quick," I grabbed it off the hook without waiting for an answer and called home. It was only 7:30 anyway, still real early.
"Hey Daddy? Hi, it's me, Ann…" Like he wouldn't know. "Yeah, I'm over here at Mrs. Hoskins' house, she got a bad water heater…Nah, just a valve, anyway…Huh?...Oh yeah, I ate already…Uh-huh, who called?...Okay, yeah…Yeah…So I'm gonna hang out with Josh for awhile…Sure Daddy…Yep…Love you! Bye!"
Then I called Jane. "Hi, it's me…Yeah…What?...You were? When…No, yeah…My dad said you called…Heh…Of course, yeah…You wanna go someplace?...Yeah right now…So?...I can pick you up…We'll go to a party…Yeah…Out at Frick's…Yeah…Okay…15 minutes…Do I what?...Ummm…Well, yeah…Dress sexy?….Uh, it's a kegger, Jane…Heh…Okay…Yeah…Yes…Yes…Yes, I do love you…Yes…Bye! 15 minutes!" I was sort of giggling most of the time we talked.
"We gotta pick up my girlfriend," I told Josh without thinking.
"Your girlfriend?" he stared at me, but he already knew I'd had sex with his cousin Sandy anyway.
"Um, just sort of keep all this secret, right?" I grabbed Josh by the arm. "A real secret, okay?
"Uh, yeah, sure," he nodded. "I ain't gonna tell anybody."
So much for my fears of Jane spilling the beans about us. I hadn't even made it through a single day and Josh already knew. But I could trust him, I thought. We weren't best friends, but I didn't think Josh really had a best friend, so maybe we were in a way. I just really hoped he wouldn't get drunk and say something by accident, although truthfully, my mood was such that I really didn't care who knew what about me anyway. I was teetering right on the edge of something, I just didn't know what.
Maybe I was just really tired of being so up and down all the time, like undecided about who I was. And not just that, but I was tired of being the town's favorite game. I felt like a topic on Jeopardy sometimes, you know? Part of me really wanted to come out of the closet, either as a lesbian or as a fag, although being a fag wouldn't mean anything to anyone, since I was a girl. It would just mean a hard time for my boyfriend because everyone would assume he was a fag and only dating me because I acted like a guy. So no real fag was gonna want me, and no real straight boy either, unless he had a thing for fags, but didn't really want to be one.
I was giving myself a headache.
"Here you go Scottie, now you take this!" Josh's grandmother was putting twenty bucks in my hand, sort of folded up small.
"Oh, no Mrs. Hoskins, I can't take this," I tried giving it back to her. "You didn't call me, remember? I knocked on your door."
"Nope…Nope…You fixed my water heater, you take a little something for it, young man." And even though I asked her how I was gonna face my Daddy and tell him I'd taken 20 bucks from a lady after she'd fed me dinner, Mrs. Hoskins wouldn't let me give it back.
"I need gas anyway," Josh laughed and gave his grandma a kiss on the cheek. "Don't you stay up too late, Grams."
"Oh, I won't," she waved him away. "You boys be good."
"She likes to stay up and watch Matlock and then she's cranky the next day," Josh was telling me in his old F150 pickup truck. It was a rough ride, but somehow it kept moving. Lord knows I spent enough time under the hood of that thing, but there's only so much you can do with bubblegum and bailing wire, and that was about all Josh could afford.
"Hey, end of the month we're goin' scavenging, you wanna come?" I asked Josh.
Scavenging was when we hit about a dozen junkyards around the area, getting parts for cars and whatnot, looking for useful stuff. It wasn't free, generally, but whatever we might find for Josh's truck I was sure Daddy would cover if he came along and helped. It was hard work usually, and Josh would be tired like the rest of us, but who knows, we might dig up some good stuff for him.
"Yeah, sure. Now who are we picking up?" he got to the only real intersection in town, the one with the turned off stoplight hanging over it, and I pointed left.
"Jane Hudson," I told him. "You know where she lives?"
"The Hudson Ranch? Yeah sure…" he glanced at me. "Jane Hudson is your girlfriend?" I nodded. "She's totally killer, dude!"
"Yeah," I grinned. "She is."
"I thought she was going out with one of your brothers."
"She was," I shrugged. "I sorta stole her away."
Josh just laughed, "Oh man, I wish I was you!"