Overheard in a Confessional
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been ten years since my first confession."
"The first?"
"The only one, Father."
"Go on then."
"Are you okay? You sound…old."
"I'm well enough."
"I didn't expect that."
"Expect?"
"You to be so old. It's funny."
"Do you want to confess?"
"More than anything, Father."
"Alright."
"I lied once, but it was a long time ago. I barely remember it."
"Was it a terrible lie?"
"Terrible, Father? That's a strange word. At the time…"
"Yes?"
"…I thought so."
"Do you regret it?"
"Do you remember the story of the Greek who went to Jerusalem?"
"Cyrus."
"Yeah, that one."
"He made a pilgrimage to hear the teachings of Jesus."
"And when he got there, Jesus was already dead. He found only empty crosses on the hill and he asked people, 'Is this the cross where Jesus died?' and they told him no. So he went to the next cross and again he asked, 'Is the cross where Jesus died?' and they said no. He went to the last cross and this time he didn't ask, he got on his knees and kissed it."
"Yes."
"And he got a splinter in his tongue, right? And after that, the Greek could only speak the truth and if he lied, his mouth would bleed."
"That's the story."
"When I lied, I thought I could taste blood."
"You were very young."
"Tell me, Father, since you're old now…What do you taste?"
"Are you smoking?"
"Do you want one?"
"No."
"They don't have smoke detectors in these things do they?"
"No, they don't."
"No hidden cameras? No microphones? You guys don't sit around on Friday nights, watching catholic porn?"
"There's only us."
"And God."
"Yes."
"Don't forget God, Father."
"He's here."
"I'm killing myself with these things. Will I go to hell for smoking?"
"Do you want them to kill you?"
"Yeah."
"Then you should quit and ask forgiveness."
"I just said I want to die."
"You might change your mind later."
"When it happens, huh? I've heard that one before."
"Then you should be listening."
"You're full of good advice. I can't believe I missed out on it all these years."
"You're angry."
"Aren't you? No. Of course you're not. Priests aren't allowed to get mad, are they?"
"Everyone gets mad sometimes."
"So get mad at me, Father."
"Have you been to mass?"
"Coward."
"I'm only asking."
"You're changing the subject."
"There's only one subject here."
"What?"
"You."
"I had an abortion. Two of them, actually."
"Okay."
"Not for any good reason, Father. Just…birth control."
"I see."
"That's a sin right?"
"Yes."
"What's a bigger sin, Father? I always wondered, abortion or eating meat on Fridays?"
"It doesn't work like that."
"What? How does it work?"
"All sins are bad. None are better or worse than any others."
"I don't believe that."
"Do you believe getting an abortion was wrong?"
"Sometimes."
"And the rest of the time?"
"If God made everything so black and white, why are sunsets so fucking pretty?"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been a day since my last confession."
"The Lord is listening. Confess your sins faithfully."
"Faithfully. Is that a pun?"
"Honestly."
"Oh."
"Go ahead."
"I'm thinking. Don't rush me. Um...I went out last night. I got a little drunk."
"Alright."
"Drinking's not a sin though, right? I mean, you guys drink all the time, so…"
"Drinking can be good or bad, but getting drunk is a sin."
"It is?"
"Anything to excess."
"Anything? That sucks."
"It's one of the definitions of sin."
"I do everything to excess."
"Hmmm…"
"I live to excess, I think. Is that a sin?"
"Living to excess?"
"Yeah. Didn't you ever feel too alive?"
"I'm not sure if I know what you mean."
"Me neither. Never mind. Who cares anyway?"
"I care."
"Sure."
"God cares as well."
"I feel like a soap opera."
"Why?"
"Tune in tomorrow. People don't really care."
"What happened?"
"I let this guy pick me up. It just…I don't know."
"You sound unhappy about it."
"Of course I'm unhappy. God! You think I'd be here if I was happy?"
"Some people are."
"Are what?"
"Some people are happy and they still come to confession."
"Oh."
"They still go to mass. They pay their bills and take care of their responsibilities."
"You don't even know me, Father."
"I've been doing this a long time."
"So you think you know me?"
"I think you've been hurt."
"You're pretty talkative today, huh?"
"I like to talk."
"Downright chatty, Father."
"I worry about you."
"Me? Save it. You know what the first miracle Jesus performed was?"
"Changing water into wine."
"The last one?"
"Raising Lazarus from the dead."
"How many apostles were there?"
"Are you testing me now?"
"Answer the question, Father."
"Eleven."
"You're good. Okay, here's a hard one. Why did Jesus curse the date tree?"
"The date tree?"
"Yeah. You know. He was walking in the desert and it was hot and he was hungry and he found a date tree, right?"
"Yes, I remember."
"But it was out of season and had no fruit. Remember that part? So Jesus cursed the tree and it withered and died."
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure."
"You're a priest. Come on! It has to mean something."
"Perhaps it teaches us that serving no greater purpose, being useless to the Lord…"
"He had to know it was the wrong time of year though."
"…is the equivalent of death. The soul is cursed and withers when it bears no fruit."
"It wasn't the tree's fault."
"It's an allegory."
"Not a miracle?"
"That's for you to decide."
"Sounds pretty hokey to me, Father."
"You asked."
"You're a funny guy. That wasn't you in the bar last night, was it?"
"No."
"That would be embarrassing. Let a priest take me home, fuck me, then I confess to him later without even knowing it."
"He wasn't me."
"I'll be worried about it all day now."
"Me too."
"Haha…That's what he would have said."
"Is it?"
"Now I know it was you."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been, um...five days since my last confession."
"Confess your sins, child."
"Yeah. I got mad at my neighbor the other day."
"Alright."
"She's like eighty years old and she's got Alzheimer's or something."
"Why were you angry?"
"I help her sometimes. Like I take her to the grocery store, since she can't drive and she takes forever to get ready..."
"I see."
"...And I ask her if she's got everything before we leave, but halfway there she always remembers something. Last time it was her glasses and she can't read the labels without her glasses."
"It sounds like she's your friend."
"She reads every label too! She takes five minutes to read a can of corn, Father."
"Well, old people can be..."
"She buys the same corn every time and she always has to read the stupid label. I hate her."
"No. You don't."
"I want to."
"How long have you been helping her?"
"Since I moved in. At first I just wanted to do her a favor, you know? Like a one time deal."
"Okay."
"But then it was suddenly like I'm doing it for her every week. When a favor becomes an obligation...What is that, Father?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, is it still a good deed? Or is it just a job?"
"Helping someone is always a good thing."
"But am I really helping her or am I just enabling her dependence?"
"Enabling her dependence?"
"I read a lot of self-help books. Sorry."
"I see."
"Anyway, I got mad and I told her I wasn't going to do it anymore."
"Uh-huh. And how did your friend react?"
"She cried."
"And how do you feel about it now?"
"How do you think? I feel like shit. People go to hell for that, right?"
"For hurting her?"
"Yeah, that and...Just for getting mad at her. That's bad all by itself, isn't it?"
"Anger isn't a sin, it's what you did with your anger..."
"But didn't Thomas Aquinas say that the sin was in the thought and not in the deed? I wanted to kill her, Father. I mean, I wanted her to have like a stroke or something, you know?"
"Sin is in the heart, that's what Aquinas was saying. Did you want to hurt her in your heart?"
"I don't know."
"I'm pretty sure you didn't."
"Why?"
"Because you're here. You're telling me about it and you feel bad for what you did."
"But what if I don't really care about her, Father?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like, what if I just don't wanna go to hell? So I feel bad, but not about her, just about me. That's a sin too, right?"
"Do you believe that's why you're here?"
"I know it is."
"How do you know?"
"She's got Alzheimer's, remember? She doesn't remember any of it. Like it never happened."
"And so..."
"I don't even have to apologize to her."
"You mean you can't apologize?"
"Exactly. Like, what use would it be, you know?"
"It would help you, I think."
"To forgive myself?"
"Yes."
"Maybe."
"I'll pray with you."
"Hey, Father..."
"Hmmm?"
"...You ever wonder if God has Alzheimer's?"
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rache