I looked down at her as she was taking her last breaths. This fragile weak woman was my mother. I had no wish to remember her as the old woman fighting for life; I wanted to remember her as the strong woman that she was. A woman full of life with her own views on what life should be. There are so many things that we did not say to each other. I told her often that I loved her, but did she know that I really meant it? Did she really know that I knew that she loved me unconditionally?

As I sat down by her deathbed, old memories started to come:

I had one big problem when I was 11 years old, and it was wetting the bed. It was an embarrassing thing at the time. Every morning when I would wake up, I would take my wet pj and bed sheets out to the hamper. Then Mum would give me new sheets, and I made the bed. Nothing was said about it, just a smile. I knew then that Mum didn�t want me to feel embarrassed or have bedwetting as a negative experience. We talked with the doctor, and he gave me exercises to do as well as tell me that it will be better at some stage. Until then, I would have to live with it. He told me that I was not alone. Many children had the same problem.

One day, when we were shopping, I was being a bit of a spoilt brat. Did you ever wish that you had chocolate and the only thing you could think about was chocolate? That was my problem. I wanted chocolate cereal. I wanted chocolate spread. I wanted chocolate milk. I wanted chocolate bars. Mum just smiled every time and said no. After saying no 50 times, I saw a boy that went to our school. He was in the class above me. Something about him looked strange. As I studied him, I found out what it was. It was his bum. He had a huge bum. He wasn�t fat or anything, it was just that his bum was bulky. I was staring at him, thinking that he must have a hard time at school, because of his bum. I never heard anyone tease him. As he was reaching up and stretching to get something, I noticed that his pants fell down a bit. Then I was interested because his undies shown. I could see a tape and the top, which looked like a diaper. This boy was wearing a diaper!

All that day, I was thinking about the boy with a diaper. If I were mean, I would tease him. But I found it very exciting. I was still thinking about it when I went to bed. I wondered what it was like wearing a diaper. Did he feel wet when he peed? Did he feel like a baby?

The next morning I woke up. I was wet as usual. While I changed my wet clothes and bed sheets, I thought about the boy with a diaper on. I bet if I had a diaper, that I wouldn�t wet my clothes and bed sheets. To many of you that have read similar stories, this might be normal. But for me it was radical. I was 11 and was considering wearing diapers to bed. Just like a baby. I bet none of my friends had the same thoughts that I did. If they knew what I was thinking, they would tease me and even might beat me up

I met mum in the kitchen

�Mum you know that I wet the bed every night.�

�Yes.�

�I was thinking that it�s a lot of work. We have to clean bed sheets and PJs every day and that don�t help. I still get wet�

�We just have to be patient until your body grows. Are you doing the exercises that the doctor said�?

�Yes, But I thought of something else. I want to wear diapers to bed. You can get them in my size and they will help me a lot.�

�I never thought that my son would ask me to buy Diapers. What do you think your friends will say about it?�

�They don�t need to know. If a friend does find out, I am sure that he will understand, as if he didn�t, he wouldn�t be my friend. �

�You are so mature. It�s just I never heard about 11 year olds wearing diapers. I wish that your father was alive so he could help us�

�I got the idea, because I saw a boy that�s older me wear diapers yesterday at the department store. It made his bum look big, but I thought that that�s better than if he had to go around with wet clothes. At least I won�t wear them during the day�

�OK, let�s give it a try. Here is some money. You can cycle down to the department store and buy the diapers that you want.�

It didn�t take me long to get my bike and cycle down to the department store. I headed straight for the diaper section. Suddenly I got embarrassed. It seemed like everyone was watching me. I was blushing, everyone could see me look at diapers and guess that I needed them. As I was looking at diapers, I saw some with Walt Disney Princesses. They looked so pretty. It had slightly pink top as well as different pictures of princesses. The problem was that the diaper pack said it was for girls. That didn�t bother me. I figured that I would be wearing trousers, so no one could see them. Another problem was that they were diapers that used tape, and not pull up diapers. I supposed that I would just have to ask Mum for some help. As I was taking the diaper pack to the check out, I saw something interesting. A Pink and white pacifier. I thought that would help me sleep at nighttime. I put it in my basket and rushed to the checkup. The cashier looked at me as she took the diapers and pacifier. I was going to say they were for my sister, but I don�t think that she would have believed this. So I just held my head low and paid and quickly put them in a bag.

When I got home, Mum was surprised that they were not pull-ups. She said that it would be easier for me if they were pull-ups. She also said that I made a mistake, because I bought girls diapers. I just smiled and said they were pretty

At night, after cleaning the kitchen, Mum would call me to the room. Then I would lie on the bed and Mum would gently take my trousers and briefs off. You would think that I would be embarrassed, because Mum could see me naked. But I wasn�t. She was my Mum, and seen me since I was born. I enjoyed also the feeling of getting a diaper on. I was quickly becoming a diaper lover. Mum wouldn�t say much when she changed me, and I do not think the experience was as special for Mum as it was for me. I mean who likes changing diapers on an 11 year old? When I was lying on the bed, I would look at Mum. Silent as she was, her eyes said it all. She was doing this for me. She knew I hated wet bed sheets and would help me in any way she could. I also think that she knew I was quite happy and comfortable about wearing girl diapers. Unlike many other children, mum and I developed a special loving relationship during these years

Victoria was a friend of mine that lived next door. She was one of two people that found out about the diapers. The other person being Chris, but that�s another story. I never spoke with her or anything like that. I mean she was a girl. Then one day, when she was bored, she asked me to visit her house. I just sat and watched her as she practiced her ballet. She was wearing a tutu and tights and those strange slippers. It was like as if I was in a trance. I just stared at her.

I visited her every day and the more I seen her do ballet, the more I was in a trance. One when she was finished, she said she wished that I were her baby sister. I didn�t laugh. I just couldn�t wait until I came the next time. The next time was the same, she started doing ballet and in between saying how much she wanted a baby sister. I was in a trance as usual. Then she asked did I want to try? I said nothing as she started putting ballet clothes on me. She wanted then to see me in my diapers. It was humiliating, but it was like I was in a trance. I wanted to learn how to do ballet. At the end I looked in the mirror. I looked like a girl. I felt the tights and tutu; they were so soft. She was delighted and said that now she has a little sister. Every day since then she taught me how to do ballet. I became quite good at it and loved every minute of it. I even liked the clothes. They felt so soft and nice on my body.

Once, she invited me over for the weekend. Before I knew it she said I would be her baby sister all weekend. I said nothing. It was like she had me in a trance again. Before I knew it, she had me on the bed and started changing my clothes. Her mum stood at the door a bit drunk and told me she heard I was going to be a baby sister all weekend. I didn�t say anything. It was in that trance. I didn�t even say a word when she put a diaper on me and a pink dress with a lot of ribbons and bows. When I was about to ask some obvious questions, she put a pacifier in my mouth.

That weekend and many weekends after, I was her baby sister. She would dress me as a baby girl and take care of me. I even slept in a crib. Sometimes it was embarrassing because she would invite some of her friends from school. It was embarrassing being a baby sissy. They would say that I looked so cute and ask if I wet myself or did I want a bottle?

During the week again I was a boy, Even though the girls would smile as if they knew my secret. Especially when my neighbour bought me a pink coat for my birthday, then the girls would whisper �sissy� in my ears, sometimes they would ask was I dry?

So that was my life. During the week, I was a boy with a pink coat and during the weekend, I was a sissy baby under a trance.

I off course told Mum about Victoria and her weekends. I thought Mum would think I was totally weird. She didn�t. She just listened to my experiences. Then she would ask if I thought that Victoria was mean or if she was using me. I said no. She was a bit bossy, but I liked doing ballet and being her little sister.

Then the big question came. I asked Mum if I could practice ballet at home and even if I could start at some classes.

�You want to start ballet? You will be totally teased at school. Most boys think that ballet is for girls�

�It�s not. I can already do many things in ballet. Victoria has been helping me.�

�I just don�t want to see you hurt. Can Victoria not teach you ballet in the weekends?�

�She already does. Ok. I�ll continue to learn from Victoria. But can I have my own leotard and Tutu?

�Tutu? I can see a problem here. I suppose you also want your own dress,� My mother said as a joke.

I was more serious. I would love to have a dress. Dresses like I wore at Victoria�s. I said thank you to Mum for the dress. She didn�t look all that surprised and just asked was I sure that I wanted a dress. I said it was my dream to have a dress and tights.

�Ok� Mum said, �I think you are a Transgender child. This means you do not know if you are a boy or girl. I�ll buy you some dresses and tights, but I expect you to only be a girl at home, or at Victoria�s. Not at school or outside. I don�t want the other boys to tease you. They will give you a hard time, and you don�t deserve this.�

I didn�t understand what transgender child meant, but Mum would buy me new dresses and tights, and I liked that. I gave her a hug.

So my life changed. I was a baby girl at Victoria, a girl at home and diapered at night. At school and every other place, I was a boy.

Once, I visited my friend Chris. We were playing Wii when I noticed that he had the most beautiful eyes that I ever have seen. I was staring at them as he was playing a tennis game. Then he smiled after winning. I couldn�t believe it; he had the nicest smile that I ever seen. My eyes started going down his body. He had a nice body. Then it hit me. I fancied my friend. Did this mean that I was gay? I suppose it did. I decided to go home, because suddenly I was so sad that I was now gay.

You guessed it; the first person that I talked with was my Mum.

�Mum, I think I fancy Chris. I think he has the most beautiful eyes that I ever seen and I just felt my heart beating when he was close to me. I think that I fancy a boy�

�Oh Darling. I think you should wait and see what happens. Your friend might not be gay, and you might not be gay either. You are so young that you have plenty of time to find out what love is. Be a good friend with your friend and love him, as a friend if there is real love, then you will find out. Don�t worry, if you discover your gay, I will love you just as much.�

Mum always knew what to say. I thought she was right. Maybe I was too young to be gay, but I had these feelings so I would just have to wait to see if they went away or not. It was hard to wait for. Every time I visited him, I had the same problem. I felt like I was in love. But it was obvious that Chris was not in love with me. It hurt real down loving a person and not being able to tell them about it.

I got real support from Mum. She let me be a girl at home. I loved it. At the same time, I liked that none of my friends ever found out. I am sure they would have called me names. They already called me Miss because my hair was too long.

Only one person outside the house knew it, and that was granny. She thought I was a spoilt child and Mum was screwing with my mind, so when I grew up, I would be totally confused how the world worked

�He is not a baby.� Granny would say, �He is not a girl. Stop treating him like one. I know you love him, but love is also discipline. You have to learn how to say no to him�

�My son is not like other boys. He is boyish in his body but a girl in his mind. He is exploring who he is. I will support him in his exploration to find out what he is. It�s not easy for him and I don�t think life will ever be easy for him. But he will have my love and support all the way. He does not need discipline to find out who he is, he needs love and support�

Years later, I stood by Mums dying bed. She said nothing, but kept giving me a reassuring smile. Even in death, she was trying to make me feel better. I took some of my lipstick and did Mums lips while telling her I love her. If she was going to heaven, she will look her best.