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Chapter 19 - The Sinclairs� houseguest
Ruthie returned to her mother�s apartment while Do�a Lisette was still
at work. In spite of the quiet, she had a premonition that something
unpleasant awaited her as soon as her mother returned. The feeling was
so strong that Ruthie was tempted to call Mike, apologize for being rude
to him, and beg him to return and get her out of Salinas. She took a
deep breath and decided that no�it would be better to see what was the
problem. She assumed that her mother might be mad about her trip to
Nebraska�or maybe it was something having to do with Mike.
When Do�a Lisette returned home, she did not say anything to her
daughter. No hello, no asking how the trip to Nebraska went. Ruthie knew
right away that her premonition about a problem was dead-on. She could
tell that her mother was furious at her. She had one of those dark looks
that in the past would have preceded a vicious slap across the face, a
lecture, and several hours sitting at the kitchen table. Ruthie, because
she was an adult, no longer was subject to outright punishment, but it
was obvious she faced a very unpleasant afternoon. She nerved herself to
face whatever it was that had so upset Do�a Lisette:
�Mom�what�s wrong?�
�You really are a deceitful girl, aren�t you?�
�Deceitful? Why? What�d I do?�
�Do you know where Rosa is?�
Ruthie took a breath, momentarily relieved it wasn�t something else.
�I�I think she�s in the Army��
�Exactly. She�s in the Army! She ran away! And you knew about it! You
knew what she was planning to do!�
�Yes, mom�I knew.�
�And you didn�t have the decency to tell anyone�the decency to warn us!�
�She asked me to keep it a secret.�
�She asked you to help her lie to us! And because of you and your lies,
she�s gone!�
�Mom�it was her choice! It�s her life! She�s 18! She�s sick of things
around here and she left!�
�She left because of you! If you had just said something, we could have
stopped her!�
�Why? Why stop her? Why should I? Her life sucked�just like everyone�s
life around here sucks�and she wanted out�and the Army gave her that
chance!�
�Now my brother�s not speaking to me! Because of you!�
�That�s his problem! Maybe if he�d treated her better she wouldn�t have
left! And I really don�t give a shit about what��
Ruthie was interrupted when Do�a Lisette hit her across the face with a
vicious slap.
�You will NOT talk to me in the language of the Devil!�
Ruthie stunned by the blow, covered her burning cheek with her hand.
�Stop hitting me! Stop fucking hitting me!�
Do�a Lisette�s eyes lit up with fury upon hearing her daughter swear a
second time. She struck at the girl again, but this time Ruthie warded
off the blow with her free arm. Ruthie�s fist connected with the bone
just above her mother�s wrist. Do�a Lisette fell back, shocked at the
pain and at the fact that her daughter had actually struck her. She
nursed her arm and gave Ruthie a tearful look.
�Mom! I�m sorry! I didn�t mean to do that�but��
�Get out of my sight! Just get out of my sight!�
�Mom�please!�
�I mean it, Ruthie! Get your lying face out of my sight! If this is the
way you want to be, if you are gonna lie and hit your own mother, then
you�re not welcome in my home! Get out!�
�Mom! Please! I didn�t mean to hit you!�
�GET OUT!�
Ruthie picked up her backpack and carry-on. It was very lucky that she
had not yet unpacked. The moment she stepped outside, the door slammed
behind her. She gasped from the shock of what had just happened. Finally
she made her way to the main office of the apartment complex, sat down
in the waiting area, and called Mike.
�I�kinda need you to come get me��
�Right now?�
�Yeah�
�Is something wrong?�
�Yeah. Everything here�s fucked up.�
�OK�on my way. Are you gonna be OK �til I get there?�
�I �spose.�
As soon as she hung up, she buried her face in her hands. The
receptionist of the complex glanced at her, so Ruthie picked up her
stuff and went outside. She leaned on the sign of the main office,
feeling too numb to even cry.
Welcome back to Salinas, Ruthie�
----------
Mike was elated that his girlfriend had called him and that she had been
forced to set aside whatever it was that had made her so silent and
moody on the trip back from San Jose. Once again Ruthie�s circumstances
had forced her to be dependent on him. For the next half hour he drove
southward in an upbeat mood, thinking about how the latest crisis in
Ruthie�s life would once again force her into his arms.
He pulled into the complex and immediately saw a very forlorn-looking
young woman leaning on the sign near the main office. He popped the
trunk and grabbed her luggage. She hugged him and started crying.
Finally she took her place in the passenger seat and they departed.
Tears rolled down her cheeks as she sat silently watching the vegetable
fields pass by. Mike now knew his partner well enough to realize that he
needed to stay quiet until she was ready to tell him what had happened.
They returned to the Sinclairs� house. Both of Mike�s parents were still
at work, much to their relief. He took her luggage to the guest room
while she listlessly followed him. When he suggested a swim, she
shrugged her shoulders and casually took off her clothes. She tossed her
stuff into the guest room while Mike undressed as well. He grabbed two
towels and she followed him to the pool. They didn�t need to worry about
taking anything with them to put on, because Mike knew his parents were
at work and would not be home for a couple more hours.
For a long time she stood with the water up to her neck, feeling the
comforting water against her bare body. She quietly watched the
reflections of the sky and nearby trees shimmering on the surface. Mike
said nothing. He just tread water at the other end of the pool and
waited for his girlfriend�s mood to change so he could talk to her.
Ruthie remained in the same spot for a very long time, gently waving her
arms back and forth but otherwise not moving. Finally Mike got tired
treading water in the deep end and swam to where the water was
shallower. By then some of the numbness in Ruthie�s brain was starting
to wear off, and the usual swirl of disjointed thoughts resurfaced in
her consciousness. Finally she was ready to talk.
�Have you ever been to Nebraska?�
�Through it a bunch of times. We did stop in Omaha, but not in Lincoln.�
�You know most of it�s totally flat.�
�Yeah.�
�You know why?�
Mike shook his head.
�It used to be ocean�kinda like an inland waterway going between the two
halves of North America. That�s why they�ve got so many marine fossils
from there. There�s places you can dig up clamshells from the Cretaceous
period.�
Mike said nothing, wondering where Ruthie was going with the unexpected
topic.
�There used to be all kinds of neat animals there�pterodactyls, big
nautiluses, sea reptiles�but that�s all gone. It�s just a bunch of dust
that gets plowed up every year and blown around. When you think about
it, all those animals might as well have never existed, �cause now
they�re just a bunch of dirt.�
Mike thought about what his girlfriend might be getting at. He decided
to counter her before her thoughts became too morbid.
�Those animals had their time. They were around for hundreds of millions
of years. Now it�s our time. And I think it does matter that those
animals were around when they were�just like it matters that we�re
around now.�
Ruthie did not respond. Mike added:
�I take it things did not go well for you on your trip.�
�They went OK. My dad did break up with Debra, but now they�ve got a kid
and he�s taking care of him. But my dad�he�s the same in a lot of
ways�drinking with his friends, running around on his Harley, got a new
girlfriend�it�s like he doesn�t give a shit about anything�and I was by
myself most of the time I was in Lincoln�just kinda wandered around�it
was fucking cold the whole time I was there�and I kinda realized that
Lincoln was�I don�t know if this�ll make any sense to you�it was the way
I remembered it, but totally different from the way I imagined it.�
�So�you think you kinda idealized Lincoln? Imagined it to be better than
it really is?�
�Kinda�not exactly�I don�t know how to say it so you�ll see where I�m
coming from�but I guess that�s sort of it.�
Mike reflected for moment, remembering the details that Ruthie had told
him about her life and how she saw herself.
�A couple of times you told me �I�m not from Salinas. Actually I�m from
Nebraska.� You went there and figured out that�s not true?�
Ruthie�s eyes filled with tears and she nodded.
�I�m not from Nebraska. I�m not from anywhere.�
Ruthie then did something that surprised Mike. She apologized for her
behavior on the way back from San Jose to Salinas. The apology surprised
him because she had never apologized for anything before. However, she
justified herself by explaining that she was struggling with what she
had learned about herself in Nebraska and was not yet able to articulate
her feelings when riding in the car. OK, Mike thought to himself�that�s
half of what went on with her�now for the other half�why she called him
from Salinas and was standing outside her apartment complex leaning on a
sign. He asked her how come she was waiting for him near the manager�s
office:
�My mom kicked me out.�
�What?!�
�We got into a big fight�really big�at first it was about Rosa��cause I
helped her keep it quiet that she was gonna go in the Army. My uncle is
pissed at both me and my mom, and my mom�s pissed at me. And I told her
that it was his fault that Rosa couldn�t put up with his shit anymore
and I didn�t give a shit about his feelings�and my mom slapped me for
cussing�and I told her to fucking stop�and then she was gonna slap me
again�and I hit her on the arm�and she threw me out.�
Mike held out his hand. Reluctantly she let him hug her in the water.
�I�ve got to go back to campus next Monday to finish my parking meter
training. I�ll be let back in my room early. You�re welcome to stay with
me�you know�until they open your dorm up.�
Ruthie nodded.
�Until then, you can just stay here. We�ve got a guest room. You can
crash there in the meantime.�
Again she nodded.
He continued to hold her close, comforting her and enjoying the feeling
of her body against his own. His emotions at that moment were very
mixed. He was genuinely concerned about what had happened to her;
however, he also was very pleased that she was so dependent on him. He
would be her support in life: she would need him and because of that
need, she would be unconditionally his. If she were cut off from her
family and had no other friends, if he was the only person remaining in
her life, then she truly would belong to him. He did not yet have enough
experience in relationships to understand that love based on need is the
same as love based on circumstances. His relationship with Ruthie would
be every bit as fragile as the one he had with Lisa, unless he could
somehow get her to love him for who he was instead of what he could do
for her.
----------
That night Ruthie and Mike had dinner with his parents. Mike was
uncomfortable because his mother gave his girlfriend several
disapproving looks while Mr. Sinclair and Ruthie talked about Nebraska.
The topic drifted to the state�s geological past and the fact that the
state still looked like a flat ocean of dirt. From there Ruthie and Mr.
Sinclair talked about extinction and the ultimate futility of life.
After she talked about the fossil animals, he chimed in with his
knowledge of the Indian tribes that lived in the area during the 1800�s
and how their fate paralleled the fate of Ruthie�s pterosaurs. Mrs.
Sinclair, irritated by the morbidity of the topic, cast angry looks at
her husband and their guest, but they both ignored her. Mike found
himself cut out of the conversation, but he knew better than to
interrupt. He simply ate and pretended to not see his mother�s hostile
expression.
After dinner the Sinclairs and Ruthie sat in lawn chairs by the pool.
The conversation about Nebraska became even more morbid, because Ruthie
talked in detail about what happened to her grandmother. Mr. Sinclair
was genuinely interested, because he knew enough about medical
procedures to understand that much of what was done to Ruthie�s
grandmother was totally unnecessary. He pushed her memory back to
various medications she had been given and was able to tell her which
ones actually helped and which ones were prescribed simply to drive up
the medical bill. Ruthie opened up to Mike�s father about how she felt
about her grandmother and the conflicting emotions she had experienced
when she visited her grave. When she commented that she wished that she
could believe that her grandmother�s spirit was still with her, he
responded:
�Maybe that�s for the best, Ruthie. When you think about it�I can tell
you I�m real happy that my dad didn�t live to see me lose the
pharmacy�and I�d like to think he�ll never know about that�not even in
Heaven, assuming there is such a place�maybe the way you think just
makes more sense��
Mrs. Sinclair excused herself and went upstairs, not interested in
hearing any more of the morbid trans-generational talk about sickness,
death, and oblivion. She was upset that her husband had openly admitted
his doubts about Heaven to a stranger. That was not something she wanted
to hear. It was clear her current life was never going to get any better
and Heaven was the only hope remaining to her. She did not want that
last hope taken away.
After some more conversation, Ruthie�s father had a small surprise for
his son�s girlfriend. He took her into the living room and showed her
his collection of records. (Yes, Mr. Sinclair still listened to
records.) Ruthie looked dumbly at the large black disks, never having
seen any up close before. Mr. Sinclair found the record he was looking
for, by a �70�s group called Kansas. He took the record out of its
cardboard cover and handed the cover for Ruthie to look at. He carefully
laid the fragile plastic disk on a turntable.
�Here. This is an old song�a bit before your time�but I think you�ll
like it. It was a favorite of mine when I was your age.�
Mike�s father delicately placed the needle into a barely visible grove
that separated two songs from each other. There were some pops and snaps
as the record spun and the needle moved inward slightly. Ruthie listened
to the following song that, in spite of having been popular a generation
before, reflected her outlook on life more than anything she had ever
heard:
I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams�pass before my eyes�a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind�
Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do�crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind�
Now, don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, and all your money won't another minute buy.
Dust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind
Dust in the wind, everything is dust in the wind.
�That�s so cool, Mr. Sinclair! That�s really neat! I wish I could get it
on CD!�
�You probably can�but you know; I�m old-school. Still listen to records
and 8-tracks. But I�d guess it�s on CD too.�
Ruthie borrowed a pen and copied the information from the album cover.
Mike inwardly cringed. He hated the hopeless message of �Dust in the
Wind�, but undoubtedly within the next day or two he�d be spending some
money to get a Kansas CD for Ruthie.
----------
Ruthie spent the next four nights at the Sinclairs� house. She slept in
the guest room, while Mike slept in his own room. Ruthie was very
grateful for the space and for being able to have some time to herself.
Once she closed the door, the room was totally hers, because it never
would have occurred to Mike to go in there when his parents, especially
his mother, were present. It was strange to think that, even though Mike
was just a door away from her, the unspoken protocol of the household
dictated that he keep his distance if anyone else was present.
The same was not true during the day. Mike�s parents always were away
during normal working hours, so the couple spent a lot of their time
enjoying the pool and the house�s other amenities. They spent almost all
of their time during the days naked, especially Ruthie. She tried her
hand at cooking several Mexican dishes for her boyfriend. When she
cooked she put on an apron and Mike took pictures of her, finding her
appearance wearing an apron and nothing else very amusing. They also
spent a lot of their time enjoying the pool. Although the days were cool
and overcast, the pool had a heater so it was comfortable to swim in.
The only problem was getting out; withstanding the chilly air always was
a challenge.
Mike wanted to take advantage of having sex with Ruthie as much as
possible when his parents were not home. Her naked body, constantly in
front of him and beckoning to be touched and caressed, was a temptation
he couldn�t resist. She did not object. She relaxed as best she could
and tried to give Mike what he needed. As long as she was properly
lubricated, there was no problem from him entering her.
Now that the couple could have sex in a relaxed setting, Ruthie made
some discoveries about herself. She did not like being entered, but she
did enjoy being massaged and caressed. Looking through the Sinclairs�
collection of books, she found a manual on massage techniques. She
showed it to Mike and asked him to try massaging her. They discovered
that massages were something they both enjoyed. He liked touching her
body and she enjoyed releasing control of herself and being touched.
By the end of their stay at Mike�s house she started massaging him as
well. She started clumsily, but got better after a few tries. He clearly
enjoyed it, especially when she massaged his bottom and the area around
his penis. His reaction to her touches gave her an idea. She started to
wonder if there was any way she could get out of enduring sexual
intercourse but still �do her duty� by massaging him.
----------
Mike totally enjoyed having Ruthie to himself during the days. He never
looked forward to his parents getting home, because once they pulled
into the driveway, the fun part of the day was over as far as he was
concerned. However, that was not true at all for Ruthie. She very much
looked forward to seeing Mr. Sinclair in the evenings and talking to
him. It was strange to watch what was going on during those four nights;
that Mr. Sinclair and Ruthie were becoming friends. He spent several
hours showing her more of his old music. He seemed to know by instinct
what songs she would want to hear: morbid or philosophical music from
singers as diverse as the Eagles, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Seger�all of it
music that predated the classic Heavy Metal that Mike preferred.
One night Ruthie and Mr. Sinclair spent several hours talking about drug
trafficking and violence in Sinaloa and Salinas. On the surface Ruthie
seemed apolitical, but that was only true about events in the United
States. It turned out she was very knowledgeable and insightful about
what was going on in Mexico. She was able to share her personal
knowledge about Culiacan and its most infamous residents: the drug
cartel leaders. She talked about the city�s dysfunctional culture and
the criminals cruising around listening to narco-corridas. She repeated
the outlook in life that she had given to Mike a couple of months
earlier, that she believed organized criminal groups and the CEO�s of
large corporations would be the world�s next ruling elite, and democracy
as a system was doomed. That transition had already happened in Mexico,
the drug cartels were in complete control and the ongoing violence
amounted to little more than criminals consolidating their power over
everyone else. Mr. Sinclair added his observations from what he had seen
when he was still a pharmacist, about the diversion of medicine into
illegal drug production and what impact it was having in central
California. By the time the conversation wound down, Mrs. Sinclair had
long since retreated from the living room. Meanwhile, Mike sat silent
and envious that his father seemed so much better at getting his
girlfriend to open up about her life than he was. In the conversations,
Mike learned a lot about Ruthie, but only because he was present to hear
what she was saying to his father.
On her final night in the Sinclairs� house, Ruthie woke up at 1:00 in
the morning. She could not get back to sleep, so she decided to go for a
swim in the pool. The air was very chilly and steam was rising up from
the heated water, which would be perfect for hiding her body if anyone
else came out. She took off her shorts and t-shirt and stepped in.
She had only been in the pool for a couple of minutes when Mr. Sinclair
came outside, apparently with the same idea of having a mid-night swim.
Before he had a chance to take off his bathrobe, she called out to warn
him she was in the pool. He turned his back to her to give her the
chance to get out, dry off, and get her clothes on. When she started
shivering he handed her an extra towel, which she gratefully wrapped
around her shoulders.
Although both had intended to swim alone, once they were together they
were reluctant to say goodnight. Mr. Sinclair went to the pool house and
returned with two blankets. They settled into lawn chairs and looked out
over the steaming water into the darkness. Ruthie wished so much that
her father could be like Mr. Sinclair, instead of being a stupid drunk
biker.
She felt that she knew Mike�s father well enough to entrust him with
some details about Jake Burns. She talked about his irresponsible life,
his bar-hopping and girlfriends, Debra, and her half-brother Jake Jr. He
listened patiently until she ran out of things to say. There was a long
pause; then Mr. Sinclair decided to change the subject.
�Ruthie�I�m gonna have to get up early to go to work, so I probably
won�t see you tomorrow�but before you and Mike head out, I want to tell
you a couple of things. First of all�I like you a lot, and I think my
son�s very lucky to have you. I can tell you that his mood is totally
different now than it was back in September. I was worried about
him�because�I don�t know if you know this�but his last girlfriend really
did a job on him.�
�I�kinda know about all that, Mr. Sinclair. But it wasn�t all Lisa�s
fault. Some of it was, but Mike sorta messed things up too.�
�He told you what happened?�
�Yes, Mr. Sinclair. He did.�
�Well�I guess that�s for the better. Anyhow, you know�Mike�s gonna need
you. You need to understand that. Things around here are gonna get a bit
rough, and he�s gonna need someone he can trust. I�d hope that person
would be you.�
�Mr. Sinclair�I�I�ll do what I can�but just to let you know�I�m kinda
messed up�I mean�I have a lot of my own issues��
�I know you do. Your issues are the same ones I have. Why do you think
we�ve been able to talk so much�you and me?�
Ruthie nodded, but did not know how to answer. Mr. Sinclair continued:
�It doesn�t matter that you have issues. What matters is how you treat
the people you love. All I�m asking is that you�re there for Mike�that
you love him�that�ll get both of you through a lot of problems.�
�Well, yes Mr. Sinclair�I do love him�� Inwardly Ruthie flinched,
because�did she really love Mike? She was getting ever deeper into the
relationship, without being able to define what she truly felt for him.
It was certain that she did not love Mike in the same way he loved
her�so what exactly did she feel for him?
Ruthie was more uncomfortable than ever, because she realized that had
Mr. Sinclair been 20 years younger and not married, she easily would
have picked him as a partner over Mike. She felt more connected with the
older man than with anyone else in her life.
Finally they were ready to go back to sleep. Ruthie turned to look at
her boyfriend�s father one final time before entering the house. Their
eyes met in the in the dim patio lighting. They didn�t say anything
more, but she noticed his sad expression. His words came back to her:
�Your issues are the same ones I have.�
With that single glimpse of his face she understood what he meant. There
was something about him that made her realize he was much closer to
facing death and oblivion than most people. He fully understood his
reality and accepted it. There was death in his voice, just as death
always seemed to be so close to Ruthie. That must have been why they
felt so close to each other; death connected them. Whether the topic was
pterodactyls, or Indians, or Ruthie�s grandmother, or Culiacan�s drug
traffickers, they could honestly talk about the ultimate reality of
life.
So�he must have realized that she had contemplated suicide. He knew,
because he was thinking about doing the exact same thing. They truly did
understand each other. She badly wanted to hug him. She later would
regret not having done so.
